Chapter 1: spring
Chapter Text
(n.) a time for new beginnings. a flower begins to bloom, the warmth of the sun a gentle touch, followed by a light breeze. the start of a new chapter, a second chance. the season provides the opportunity to try a different approach and start over for a different outcome.
Chapter 2: one
Notes:
wowowoow the post fanfic depression hit so hard i had to make another HAHAHA
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
THREE DAYS AFTER THE ACCIDENT.
it's funny how deafening the silence can be.
at first, it took some time for you to fully realize the lack of sound in your world. you brushed it off as delirium. a difficulty in coming to your bearings when you opened your eyes and found yourself in the hospital room with no recollection of how you got there. it doesn't really strike you as odd until several moments after the given fact.
initially, your sense of touch awakens. a deep ache inside your muscles and bones, a pain that has lingered for a long time now. it spreads throughout your entire body, growing more and more prominent the longer your mind stays conscious.
then, your sense of taste. a lack of it, really. it's recognized by the dryness in your mouth and the scratchiness of your throat, as if it's been ages since you last ate food or drank water.
your sense of smell hits you hard in the next instant. in the air, the thick scent of bleach makes your nostrils burn, the feeling of it so heavy you have to breathe through your mouth to ease the headache forming and the discomfort within your nose.
and finally, your sight. a curtain rod and a white ceiling are the first things you see, items that your brain recognizes as foreign, and therefore revealing to you that something has happened, something that has caused you to end up in the hospital. when you shift your eyes to your left, there are several machines. you spot the steady shape the rhythm of your heart makes, along with several other numbers related to your health produced on the screen. even then, you don't recognize the fact that you cannot hear the beeping of those machines.
but when you direct your attention to your right and see your mothers face, take in her tear stained cheeks and the way her mouth forms the echoes of a relieved wail, you realize how wrong it is. you know she's producing sound, can see it in the way her throat moves, how her lips shape into a flurry of words. but they never reach your ears. they simply fail to pick up on it.
the doctor enters then, and he breaks the news to you with somber eyes and a sticky note.
'unfortunately, your accident has caused your eardrums to rupture. it is unlikely that you will ever hear again.'
the note lays in your hands for a long time. you've crumpled and uncrumpled the small piece of paper several times now, the messy scribble of words changing your entire life within a single instant. it is astonishing how heavy the weight of such simple words can bear, the impact it leaves on a poor girl whose life has barely started. from the corner of your eye, you see the doctor talking to your mother, no doubt assuring her how blessed you are regardless of your impairment. in his eyes, you're just another patient who successfully escaped death. there are countless of other people in this hospital who would trade places with you in a heartbeat. who would take damaged ears over any chronical illness plaguing their bodies.
you recognize how fortunate you are, how lucky, but it doesn't make the pain of it hurt any less.
your attention is drawn to the large window beside your bed, studying the scene outside. the trees are full of leaves, and there are a handful of patients and visiting family members idling in the courtyard. it's strange, how clearly you can see everything. how perfect the scene is. but despite the open window, you can't hear a single thing. it's like there's water in your ears, muffling any sort of sound you'd initially take in. you try to imagine what it would sound like. a child's joyous laughter. the rustle of leaves. your mother's soft, tender voice. but trying to imagine it, to conjure up a semblance of the truth, it's not the same as actually experiencing it.
there's a hesitant touch on your shoulder, bringing you away from your internal thoughts. your blink slowly, turning your head to find your mother leaning towards your side, eyes fixated on your resting form. she opens her mouth to speak, the immediate regret flashing in her eyes upon realizing her mistake. her obvious error causes her to snap her lips shut and hurriedly search her purse, pulling out a pen and a scrap of paper.
when she's done writing she hands you the piece of paper, and your eyes swiftly scan the contents, something akin to resentment bubbling inside your chest at her questions.
'do you need anything? a blanket? food?'
you take the writing utensil, forming your deepest desire in two short sentences.
'i need new ears. i need to hear.'
your mother scans the page. you can see the exact moment your words sink in. it's found in the way tears build in the corners of her eyes. the way her hands begin to tremble, wrinkling the delicate object. she releases it, and your eyes follow the way it flutters to the floor, landing face up on the ground. she pulls you into a hug, her body shaking as her fingers rub soothing circles into the muscles of your back. you feel her soft breath against your ears. she must be saying something. perhaps an apology, or a reassurance, but it doesn't matter which outcome it turns out to be. nothing will fill the hollow space inside your chest, something precious ripped out by someone unknown.
you can't find it in yourself to return the embrace, nor do you ever look away from that scrap of paper on the floor, the wish left unanswered.
-
you return home the following day. as expected, the car ride is silent, and not just because of your inability to hear. your mother makes no attempts to speak to you, eyes trained on the road, her grip on the steering wheel tight. it may seem like she's doing it for your sake. how exactly do you have a conversation with someone who is hard of hearing without any knowledge of sign language? but you can see the truth, the reality of it like a slap to the face, something worse than the pity she bestowed upon you earlier. she has nothing to say. all her apologies, all her excuses, all her words, have been exhausted.
when you enter your house, it, too, is silent. the only shoes by the door are yours and your mothers, and when you walk through the familiar sight of your living room and kitchen, everything is still. it remains undisturbed, frozen in time, like no one has passed through the space since you last stepped inside. you wouldn't even know someone lived here if you weren't living proof of it.
you direct your steps to your room, pushing the door open. it looks the same as you last left it. your bedsheets are wrinkled from its last use, having been too lazy in the morning to properly make your bed. on your desk lays abandoned pencils and open notebooks, discarded clothes hanging from the back of your chair. everything is the same, down to the open violin case on the floor by your music stand. you remember it clearly. returning home from school, flicking the latches up and revealing the wooden instrument so you could practice, only to abandon it several seconds later when receiving a text from your friends to meet up for food.
everything is the same. nothing about the world changed when you had your accident. not when your body collided with the earth, fighting desperately to stay alive, nor when the most precious thing you possessed was ripped from your cold, dying hands. it kept spinning, time kept flowing, waiting patiently for you to return.
you crouch down by the open case, inspecting your beloved instrument. the day you first started playing has long since left your memory, but it's been told to you enough times to practically be your own. before you could even walk, you picked up a pink, plastic violin, finding great delight in the sound it produced when you pulled on the strings, no bow attached. tentatively, you copy the motion of your childhood, the tips of your fingers plucking the taut fiber, but of course, as you should've expected, the sweet sound of the violin doesn't fill your ears. you do it again, harder this time, but it only produces the same result.
the resentment from earlier returns, this time with more ferocity, a tidal wave filling your chest and spilling at the edges. something wet slides down your cheeks, but you don't wipe them away, allowing the dam inside of you to finally break.
you release a yell, throwing the violin across the room. it crashes against the wall, falling to the floor and remaining relatively untouched save for a small dent on the side and a couple of scratches. the sight of it repulses you. how can so much damage be brought to it only for it to remain the same? you grab the next closest thing, your music bag, and take out the music sheets from your folder, ripping them to pieces. you don't care for the mess you're making, the unintelligible screams being produced from your throat, the wreckage formed by your trembling hands. you kick the music stand, watch it fall to the floor. pick up your bowstring and snap it in half.
years of staying up late at night to practice. of missing out on hangouts with your friends. playing until your fingers bled. the violin was your entire life. you were supposed to go to music school. join an orchestra. make up for all the years you wasted your time indulging in something that was only supposed to be a hobby. it was the only way you could justify choosing it over a proper career. a stable one. but you loved it so much you couldn't bear the thought of living without it, so you worked hard to make it work. to make your fantasy a reality.
and all of it ended up being for nothing, all because of a pair of useless ears.
you drop your hands, breathing heavily as the exhaustion builds and the adrenaline fades. you know you're crying, can feel the way the sound builds in your throat, the way your mouth refuses to close and tears continue spilling down your cheeks. it intensifies when you see the door open, your mother's shocked face taking in the chaos of the room, your broken, fragile state. she rushes to the floor and pulls you into a hug, and this time, you tighten your arms around her, sobbing into the familiar crook of her neck.
"what do i do mom?" you wail, tightening your fingers around the soft fabric of her shirt, "what do i do? if i have no music, i have nothing. do you hear me? am i speaking right now? i'm nothing."
she doesn't answer. you don't expect her to, not that it would matter. but for once, you wish she would. how you longed for the gentle tone of her voice, telling you it'll all be okay.
but it never comes, and you're forced to live with the fact that it never will ever again.
-
the pills in your hands feel heavy. it's a strange way to describe it, considering the small size of them. even with a handful, they aren't nearly large or heavy enough to cover your hand, to make any sort of difference to your present self. but if you swallowed every single one in a singular breath, then your body will react.
perhaps it was stupid to indulge in the idea. you hadn't really intended to give it much thought. it was supposed to be a passing concept, something you'd ponder for a moment and then discard just as easily. but holding it in your hands, staring down at the white pills, the reality of it hits you. it would be so simple to just shove them in your mouth and wash it down with water. you wouldn't even feel death decaying your body until it was too late.
you lift up your eyes, staring at the girl facing you in the mirror. there are dark bags beneath her eyes, her complexion pale from lack of nutrients and sunlight. it was hard to eat, to find the energy in yourself to get dressed and see your friends, let alone take care of yourself. it was so much simpler to just lay in bed, staring at the ceiling, closing your eyes and becoming empty space in a big world. if you laid still enough, you could pretend that you didn't exist anymore. you could ignore the heavy weight on your chest, the faint ringing in your ears, never ceasing no matter how hard you tried to ignore it. you pitied her, the girl in the mirror, wasting away, all her potential gone.
just as you're about to lift up your hand towards your mouth, something on the corner of your desk catches your eye. you slowly lower your hand, taking in the object more clearly. it was a small box, but the sight of it was strange. for one, it didn't belong to you, and it wasn't there the previous day. did your mother leave it for you?
curiosity pulls you away from the pills, laying them on the desk and picking up the box instead. it doesn't have your name on it, but surely it was intended for you. why else would it be sitting there, unopened? your fingers lift up the lid, placing it on the underside of the container.
inside lays a singular note and a small bracelet.
you pick up the piece of jewelry first, inspecting the fine craftsmanship. it was obviously made by hand, three different threads interwoven into a beautiful pattern of greens, blues and yellows. you place it back into the box and pick up the note instead.
this bracelet is used to grant wishes. if your heart desires it enough, then the bracelet will break and your wish will come true.
i wish for you to live a full and happy life.
k.
you read the words over and over again, allowing them to sink in. you pick up the bracelet once more, hesitantly pulling it over your wrist. it fits perfectly, the threads wrapped delicately around your skin. you hold it up to the light, allowing the sun peeking through the blinds to make the colors more prominent. your eyes shift back down to the note, tracing the messy scrawl of the owner's handwriting, the way their words slant across the page and they fail to fully close their circles. for some reason, their words leave behind a prominent ache. it doesn't hurt, not like a lack of space within a hollow heart, but rather, a warm pressure in between your ribs, filling up space rather than removing it.
you're not sure why this person's note effects you the way it does. it's not like their gesture is grand. it's not like they've solved all the problems you currently face. the burden on your shoulders still feels heavy, and your hearing still fails to return. but for a single moment, even just for a split second, you don't feel so lost in this world anymore.
live a full and happy life.
yes, you believe the notion to be doable.
-
THREE YEARS AFTER THE ACCIDENT.
living a full and happy life is difficult when your interpreter doesn't know how to sign the complexities of biology.
you aren't even sure why you're taking the class. your major has nothing to do with science, but alas, arguing with your advisor about the course only resulted in your poor interpreter being unable to translate your signs quick enough to express your frustration. so, you relented. trying to find a way to understand the notes would prove a whole lot easier than expressing your distaste for the class.
the two of you leave a little later than the other students, which makes it easier to communicate in the hallways without the bodies of other students bumping into you every couple seconds. you're attentive to both her hand signals and the movement of her lips, trying to piece together the last bit of explanation she was trying to provide regarding the latest lesson. having to rely on sign language the past three years made it simple to understand, but you still struggled with reading lips, especially when the person communicating with you talked too fast. you interrupt her flurry of thoughts by holding up your hand and signing for her to just type it out and send it to you later.
she leaves with a grateful bow, rushing off to her next class, and her absence prompts you to direct your footsteps towards the courtyard. the sun shines down on you gently, the start of spring warming the earth and causing the cherry trees lining the path to start growing its leaves. just a week ago it was cold enough to require a coat, but now, you find yourself slipping your sweater off, laying it across your arm as you maneuver around groups of students walking down the sidewalk and lingering at the benches.
a vibration is felt against your hand, prompting you to lift up your phone and read the most recent text.
yoon-seo: to your right!!
you follow the direction, immediately spotting the girl several yards away. she lifts her hand up in an enthusiastic wave, her joyous smile causing you to quirk up your own mouth and return the motion. beside her, jung-won's happiness is much quieter, contained within the small grin she sends your way. it doesn't take long for you to shorten the distance between you.
yoon-seo immediately pulls you into a hug, her embrace warm and tight, before pulling back shortly after to communicate with you.
'how was class?' she signs, her question causing you to release an exasperated sigh.
'terrible. i don't understand anything. and neither does my interpreter.'
'why are you even taking that class?' jung-won asks.
you shrug, the motion an answer in itself. yoon-seo lifts up her hands once more.
'are you hungry? let's go eat.'
the three of you find a small family owned restaurant near campus, specializing in cheap and large portions of bibimbap. you settle at a table in the center of the room, your steaming bowls of rice displayed nicely in the center. yoon-seo snaps a quick photo before pushing the dishes in front of their respective owners and digging in.
eating lunch with yoon-seo and jung-won is one of the only times you can forget about being deaf. while they do talk verbally, they use sign language as they do so, and speak more slowly so it's easier for you to follow along with the conversation. although they've been learning sign language nearly as long as you have, yoon-seo still struggles with certain words, and every so often she'll flush to a light shade of pink, turning towards jung-won to clarify a certain phrase or word, and once yoon-seo learns it, resumes the conversation like nothing happened.
jung-won, on the other hand, was much quicker to grasp the new language. she had no issue with memorizing an abundance of phrases, and sometimes you'd catch her practicing her conversation skills by herself, her personal ksl book propped open in her lap and her fingers hovering in the air, mimicking the images in the book.
at first, you were afraid of what would happen to your friendship upon learning of your disability. for weeks you refused to meet with them despite their frequent visits to your house, hiding in your room and feigning slumber or sickness. it wasn't until your mother eventually let them in without checking with you first did you finally face them. you remember your surprise and fear as you lowered your book to your lap, meeting yoon-seo's soft expression and jung-won's worried eyes. but instead of crying, instead of apologizing to you for your pitiful state, they simply held up a bag of your favorite food and cracked open two korean sign language books.
there's a small break in conversation, which brings yoon-seo to pick up her phone and check her notifications. you shove another bite of food into your mouth, watching her face carefully, wondering if she was texting jun-hee. it's easy to tell when he's texted her. her eyes will light up, and a shy, bashful smile will settle on her face, turning her cheeks a rosy pink.
but yoon-seo's current expression is not that of someone in love. instead, her large, brown eyes widen into shock, her lips parted, the color in her face fading rapidly. jung-won also notices her sudden change in demeanor, angling her body to look over her shoulder and read whatever was currently presented on the screen.
you wave your hand to gain their attention, 'what's wrong?' you sign, causing the girls to share a hesitant look.
yoon-seo turns her phone around to show you the screen. it's a news article, a very recent one based on the date and time displayed right below the title. you scan the words swiftly.
YOUNGEST SON OF KO GROUP FOUND MURDERED THIS MORNING.
yoon-seo sets down her phone and lifts up her fingers to speak, her lips trembling ever so slightly, "it doesn't say his name, but wouldn't the youngest son be kyung-jun?"
ko kyung-jun. it's been years since you've heard that name. you recall him vaguely, having never paid much mind to the boy in your class, partly due to lack of interest, and partly due to the fact that he was mean. you remember da-bum and ju-won periodically being summoned by kyung-jun and his friends, only to return with scrapes and bruises all over their body. he was also disruptive, throwing objects at the back of people's heads across the room, refusing to cooperate with teachers and students alike. it was much simpler to pretend he didn't exist if not to avoid becoming the target of his wrath. you think the only time you've ever interacted with him was once towards the end of your junior year at the bus stop. it was raining, and the two of you were alone under the cover, waiting for the vehicle to arrive. you can't remember if you talked to him or not. probably the latter.
but even if kyung-jun was a bully, it didn't mean he deserved to die the way he did.
'do they know who did it?' you ask.
yoon-seo lifts up her phone once more, skimming through the article. her eyebrows press together in vivid concern, teeth catching onto her bottom lip. she sets it down again and thinks for a moment before signing, "they suspect it was the result of gang violence."
a gang? were kyung-jun's bad habits ever that severe? you knew he smoked from time to time, and he obviously had no issue picking fights with people at your school. but to go as far as joining a gang? or getting involved? it was hard to believe. it's not like kyung-jun was desperate for money, he had endless amounts of it, and buying cigarettes or dealing drugs just didn't seem like something he would enjoy doing for the fun of it.
so what happened?
"he must've gotten himself mixed up with the wrong sort of people." jung-won adds on several moments later. her expression is indifferent, her arms folded across her chest once she finished signing the sentence. maybe she expected this from kyung-jun, or she just simply didn't care.
yoon-seo leans back in her seat, the motion of her hands slow and lacking her usual enthusiasm, "i can't believe it. i mean, i haven't seen him since high school, but it's hard to imagine that he's actually dead. i hope his family is okay. do you think jin-ha and seung-bin know? they were close, weren't they?"
jung-won shakes her head, unfolding her arms, "i'm pretty sure they stopped being friends after (name)'s accident."
your entire body freezes when your brain recognizes both your name and the sign for 'accident'. you lean forward, waving your hand to gain jung-won's undivided attention.
'what do you mean? what does my accident have to do with anything?'
jung-won's face transforms into confusion, "don't you remember? he was there when it happened."
it takes you a moment to register her words. your hands move rapidly to keep up with your spiraling thoughts, 'what are you talking about?'
"he was the one who saved you. yoon-seo," she tilts her head towards the girl, "you remember, right?"
yoon-seo nods her head, "he was there at the hospital the first day we visited. after that, we never saw him again. he stopped coming to school, too."
your hands hover in midair, shock slowly working it's way through your entire body. it starts in your stomach, feeling more like dread the longer it sits, spreading towards your lips and the tips of your fingers. you find it in yourself to move them once more, 'ko kyung-jun? ko kyung-jun saved me?' you clarified.
"didn't your mom tell you?"
you drop your hands, staring down at your half eaten bowl of bibimbap. every thought running through your mind regarding the current matter feels like it's going in circles, containing no start and no end, reaching no set destination. how could you not know? how could you spend three years of your life unaware that the person who saved you that day, who brought you to the hospital just in time before death pulled you away, was kyung-jun?
you get up, clumsily signing your intention to go home. you don't stay long enough to await their responses, hastily grabbing your things and bolting towards the door.
before, you thought your lack of memory regarding the incident was a blessing in disguise. surely if your brain locked it away, unreachable for years, it was for a good reason. but now, you wish you knew where the key was, if not to face what happened that day, but to answer the question at the forefront of your mind.
ko kyung-jun was there.
why?
-
you're not sure why you came. was it guilt? pity? a mixture of both, or something else entirely? what exactly provoked you to dress in dark clothes and enter ko kyung-jun's memorial service?
you thought you'd find the answer there. sitting in front of his portrait, your legs folded neatly beneath you and your hands curled within your lap. but being there, left with nothing but your thoughts, the answer seems to evade you.
kyung-jun looks the same as you remember, which isn't surprising considering the photo that they used was from his senior year of high school. for once, he wears his complete uniform, but that doesn't prevent him from leaving the top button undone and for his tie to hang loosely and crookedly around his neck. his hair is pushed back with gel, the way he usually wore it throughout your senior year, revealing his earrings. you're not quite sure how he was able to sneak it into the photo, but knowing kyung-jun, he had no problem finding a way. he barely smiles, but you can see the corners of his lips twitch with amusement, the ghost of a smirk.
for some reason, an ache forms in the space right next to your heart.
it hits you then, the reality of the situation. kyung-jun is dead. he will remain frozen in time, never growing old, never shedding his curled lips and sharp eyes. for a moment, you wish you had seen him before his passing. did he change in the last three years? did he cut his hair, grow it out longer, wear different clothes? did he ever learn to shed his anger, fall in love?
why did he never reach out to you?
someone sits down beside you. their sudden presence causes you to turn your head, regarding the man by your side. he tilts his head at you, studying your expression, and a flicker of recognition crosses his features. his lips move, and you realize he's talking to you. you hold up a hand, indicating for him to wait, and bring out a small notebook and pencil from your bag.
'sorry, i'm deaf. could you repeat that?'
he glances down at the words, an apologetic smile forming on his lips. he writes down his initial phrase.
'you're that girl.'
a frown pulls at your lips. you read the words again, but they don't change, and they don't make any more sense as you repeat the motion, 'do you know me?'
instead of replying, he reaches into his pocket, pulling out his wallet and slipping a single photograph out. hesitantly, your fingers reach for the object, staring down at the sight of the clear blue sky and two carefree teenagers. you recognize it immediately. it was from your school trip your senior year of high school. you and kyung-jun stand by the shore at the beach. both of you are initially caught off guard by the sudden capture of the moment by your teacher. while you muster up a shy, unsure smile, kyung-jun's lips part slightly in surprise, his eyes replicating the emotion. for once, there is no anger or cruel amusement marring his features.
you remember that day vividly. somehow, despite living in two different worlds, you and kyung-jun ended up in the same place at the same time. you're almost positive that upon snapping the image, you left the shore to join your friends, and kyung-jun disappeared into his own direction. your fingers brush over the photograph, the edges worn down, like whoever possessed it initially had looked at it often.
you reach for the notebook, scribbling down the question running rampant through your mind, 'how did you get this?'
'when we were looking through kyung-jun's things, we found it in his wallet.'
your mouth grows dry, unable to think of anything to say in response. instead, the ache inside your chest intensifies. you look back down at the photo. after the trip, your teacher printed out copies of any photos taken upon request. since you forgot about it, it was likely that kyung-jun was the one who asked the teacher to print it out, making this the only copy. and for three years, he kept it on his person, holding it in his hands every so often to remember that day. what was so special about it? why did he look upon it frequently enough to make the colors fade and the edges curl?
the notebook is pushed back in your direction, a new statement scribed neatly on a separate page.
'i see you still wear the bracelet.'
unconsciously, your fingers brush against the worn down accessory. since the day you received it, you've never taken it off, wishing desperately to live a full and happy life. it has yet to break, and in your mind, it was a sign that you hadn't reached that goal yet, and you needed to keep going.
'did you give it to me?' you write down.
the man shakes his head. it takes him several long moments for him to produce his explanation, 'kyung-jun did. our mother used to make them when we were younger. that's the one she gave kyung-jun before she died.'
you blink in bewilderment, unsure if you read the words correctly. but the more you think about it, the more the pieces fit together, forming a complete picture. kyung-jun was there the day of your accident. he was present in the hospital. someone left a small box on your desk, wrote a note for you, signed by k. they wished for you to live a full and happy life.
it was all kyung-jun.
did he continue wishing for that, even after your paths diverged and you went on to live separate lives? now more than ever, you wish you hadn't turned away the visitors when you woke up. maybe kyung-jun had been among them. maybe he would explained things to you. maybe the world would've turned out differently then.
you write down the first thing that comes to mind.
'it was special to him.'
a gentle smile rests on his lips, followed by a short nod, 'at first, i was surprised he gave it away. it was the last thing she gave him, and he refused to put it on because he didn't want it to break.'
'then why did he give it to me?'
'i know less about my brother than you do. did you make a wish with it?'
a memory of the note presents itself in front of your eyes, the words echoing in your head. live a full and happy life.
you glance down at your lap, pressing your nail against the pad of your thumb, swallowing thickly to let the uncomfortable feeling pass.
'i'm trying kyung-jun. i'm trying, but now that i know it was you, now that you're gone, the task feels impossible.'
the man reaches into his pocket once more, pulling out a small, silver lighter that shines in the light, reflecting different colors. you recognize it immediately. how many times did you walk out of school and see kyung-jun pull it out to light up his cigarettes?
he holds it out to you, and you don't realize his intention until you stares at you expectantly, switching his attention between your eyes and the object. your fingers grab hold of it, curling around it protectively.
he picks up the notebook and turns it around when he's done writing.
'you know what this is, right?'
you nod, and the man smiles, scribbling once more.
'keep it. i'm sure he would've wanted you to have it.'
you're not sure why, but the declaration results in a heavy emotion to form within your throat. it persists, even after the man stands up, bows, and then exits the room, leaving you completely alone. you sit there for a long time, staring at the small object, brushing your fingers against the cold metal. you wipe away the smudges left behind by your fingerprints, the collected dust in the crevices of the lighter. it takes everything within you to rise to your feet, to spare kyung-jun's photo one last glance, and finally take your leave.
that night, you curl up in bed, eyes never straying from the lighter in your hands. a memory surfaced about an hour ago. kyung-jun, leaning against the wall, twirling the object between his fingers, his movements practiced and eased. it's such a simple scene. a familiar sight you eventually grew used to, and therefore gave it no more than a single thought. but now, you want nothing more than to remember the small glimpses of kyung-jun when he was in your life. isn't that funny, how you never realize the impact a person can have until they're gone?
your fingers tighten around the lighter, and you feel the tears slipping down your face, the emotion finally tearing away from your throat.
kyung-jun, i wish i would've used my wish on you. i wish you could've lived a full life, even if it's not a happy one. happiness is fleeting, but you could've learnt to find it. i would've helped you if you had asked. if you had reached out.
why didn't you reach out to me? why didn't you come find me?
i wish we could start over. i wish we could do it right this time.
-
the strange thing isn't the sunlight pressed directly against your face. you sleep with your curtains pulled back, allowing the rise of the sun to pull you from your slumber. it isn't the sweet scent of breakfast wafting in the air, despite living alone. it's not the lack of dryness in your mouth, which should've been the case after crying yourself to sleep last night. it's the fact that you hear a knock at the door, and your mother's urgent voice at the doorway.
"hey! wake up! you're going to be late for school."
at first, you release a groan, rolling onto your back and shielding your face with your arm. but then it hits you, less than a second later, the abnormality of it. your eyes snap open, hurriedly sitting up in bed and staring at your mother in bewilderment. did you hear that right? her voice? you almost forgot the way it sounded, but now that you've heard it again, you remember it more vividly, as if you never lacked the nurturing tone ever in your life.
"am i dreaming?" you ask out loud, eyes widening when you hear your own question. you thought it'd be scratchy, both from misuse and the fact that you sobbed all night. but it is perfectly clear, the same as you remember.
your mother's face twists in confusion, then exasperation, shaking her head softly, "this is why you shouldn't stay up so late practicing. you wake up all confused and sleepy."
practicing? your eyes drift towards the corner of your room, finding your music stand and your open violin case laying on the floor. three years ago, when you destroyed it in your fit of rage, you locked all that stuff away in the back of your closet, never to be seen again, forever collecting dust. was this truly a dream? you reach up and pinch the delicate flesh on the inside of your forearm, jumping when pain erupts from the sore point. it hurts. it hurts. which means, this wasn't a dream. you really can hear again.
your mother calls out your name, "come on, get dressed and come down to eat. the bus will be here soon."
this time, your mother's words register in your brain as odd, prompting you to glance up and stare at her in puzzlement, "the bus? but i don't have class until later."
your mother laughs, "is this another excuse to skip school?"
you realize with a start that she is serious, and the situation finally sinks in, if not by the lack of amusement in her words, but by the uniform hanging from your door. your high school uniform. you blink, but it never changes, and the pain still lingers from your earlier attempt to wake yourself from this so called dream.
something isn't right.
how is it that your high school uniform, an outfit you donated once you graduated, now hangs on the back of your door? how is it that your instrument, lacking the small dent and rough scratches, lays pristine on the floor? the fact that you're laying in your childhood bedroom when you moved out a year ago, and your ears pick up on the sound of your bedsheets rustling each time you move, your mother's expectant voice?
a sudden thought forms in your mind, so completely bizarre and utterly impossible that you almost disregard it. almost. you shift your eyes back towards your mother.
"what day is it?" you ask.
a frown pulls at her lips, "it's monday."
"i mean, the date," you clarify, adding on quickly so as not to appear suspicious, "i forgot. you know how i am."
she narrow her eyes at you, squinting at you in disbelief, before releasing a short breath, "it's the sixth of march. seriously, you need to keep better track of your days."
march six? but that couldn't be right. just yesterday, it was february twenty-fourth. how can so much time pass without you knowing? you reach for your phone, tapping at the screen to pull up the date. the sight of it makes your phone slip out of your hands, falling in your lap with a soft thud.
march 6th, 20xx
one year before your accident. one year before you lost your hearing, and your entire world fell apart. three years ago, the beginning of your senior year of high school.
'did i just travel back in time?'
Notes:
let me know what you guys think so far and if you have any questions or theories,,,,i'd love to hear them. (also hi i missed you guys it's good to be back mwah)
Chapter 3: two
Notes:
decided to upload this early as a present for reaching 1k reads on wattpad. i will also still be uploading another chapter next saturday so stay tuned for that. enjoy!
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
ONE YEAR BEFORE THE ACCIDENT.
MARCH - MAY
you'd forgotten how loud the world could be.
after spending so long in complete and utter silence, you eventually grew used to it, even found some comfort in your small, isolated world. you didn't find yourself seeking certain sounds during certain situations, carrying on with life as usual. while others winced at the disruptive motor of an engine, you passed by without a second glance, and the endless barking of a dog no longer annoyed you. of course, there were things you missed, like the music that plays in a department store and the sound of laughter, but your longing eventually ceased. you simply learnt to live without it.
but now, it's like the volume of the world has been turned up to the max, and you'd be a liar if you said it didn't feel a little bit disorienting. it's like you've been thrown into the midst of the ocean with no life jacket, and you're forced to adapt to the sudden change. as you walk to your bus stop, you find yourself jumping at the slightest noise, and you wince each time you pass by a group of people and their loud, unfiltered voices fill the air.
regardless of the fact, there were much softer sounds that made you relieved to have the ability to hear again. the quiet chime of a bell on a bicycle. the gentle rustle of leaves. the faint sound of music coming from the small record shop just a couple blocks from your house. a teenage girl's eager shout from a couple feet away.
you recognize the tone of her voice immediately. yoon-seo's words sit a bit lower than other girls, but there is a lightness there that makes her voice a bit sweeter. if you had to describe it, the whistle of a flute would best replicate the sound.
upon hearing it, you shift your eyes away from your shoes to her waving form. her hair flows in long waves down her back, a stark contrast to the haircut she gets in two years that makes it sit along her collarbone and soft, wispy bangs lay across her forehead. her face remains unchanged though, just as youthful, with rosy cheeks and large, doe eyes.
jung-won stands beside her, and she looks just as different since the last time you saw her. in college, she ditches her glasses for contacts, and she ends up growing out her hair to a similar length as yoon-seo's. but now, the large, black frames sit on her face, and her hair stops just below her chin. jung-won's melody is more sophisticated. a calm sound, replicating her monotone voice. the rhythm of it is steady, just loud enough to be heard, but the role it plays in the overall melody can never be substituted.
when you reach them, yoon-seo greets you as she always does. a quick hug, followed by the rush of her voice and friendly smile. jung-won, of course, strays away from excessive amounts of physical affection, but there's no denying the way her eyes soften at the corners and her lips pull into a grin.
"did you sleep in again?" jung-won asks as soon as yoon-seo releases you, eyeing you skeptically, "the bus is almost here and we got worried you'd miss it."
you send her a bashful smile, "i just missed my alarm. sorry to worry you."
"what are you doing with your hands?"
you didn't even realize they were moving until yoon-seo pointed it out. your fingers hover in the air, forming the ghost of the sign for 'worry'. you've grown so used to communicating with them through sign language that you forgot they haven't learned it yet, and therefore, it was unnecessary for your current conversation. you clear your throat, shoving your hands into the pockets of your blazer and laughing the awkwardness off, "uh, it's sign language."
jung-won furrows her brows in confusion, "since when did you know sign language?"
'since it became the only way for me to communicate with people'. but of course, you can't say that. you're not sure what the logistics of time travel are, but it was better to be safe than sorry, "i got bored, so i started learning."
jung-won continues staring at you, unconvinced, but before she can press the issue further, the bus arrives. grateful for the distraction, you hurriedly step on, and the three of you stand in the open space in the center of the bus. you reach up, curling your fingers around the handle on the ceiling.
as the vehicle moves across the road, yoon-seo rambles about her most recent book, and you do your best to listen to her words with as much intent as possible. but the more you stand there, alone with your thoughts once more, the more difficult it becomes to focus. although you're grateful to have the ability to hear again, there was still so much that didn't make sense to you. why are you in the past? how did you get here? were you here for a certain purpose? to fulfill a goal? did the past three years never happen, and you're simply moving forward as intended?
you feel someone nudge you gently in the side, and when you turn your head, you find yoon-seo's curious, but also knowing, eyes, "distracted again?"
you stare at her in surprise, but then again, yoon-seo as always been intuitive of your emotions, "yes. i suppose i have a lot on my mind."
"thinking about him again?"
you pause, confusion working it's way onto your features. they must mistake your emotion for surprise, because both yoon-seo and jung-won's grins widen, a knowing look reflected in their eyes. this time, jung-won is the one who speaks, and there's a hint of amusement laced within her voice, "when is she not thinking about him?"
your confusion grows. what exactly are they talking about? you try to rack your brain for this exact conversation in your memory, but you turn up empty. you open your mouth, intending to ask them for clarification, an answer as to who they are referring to, but the bus lurches to a stop right outside your school, and the doors open to let you out.
you step outside, and the sight of your high school, the same as it was three years ago, brings a sense of nostalgia. attending college is an exciting endeavor in your life, if not by the big campus, but by the freedom you gain as a young adult. and yet, there is something about the smallness of your school, the intimacy of knowing everyone in your class, that comforts you. you didn't realize how much you missed it until then.
you follow jung-won and yoon-seo through the school, going through the familiar motions of your daily routine. slipping off your shoes and exchanging them for indoor ones. venturing up the stairs to the third floor. wandering through the halls amongst a throng of students, both journeying to their own classes or lingering by the windows to talk. you catch glimpses of conversations as you walk, most related to plans for the weekend or whatever is trending on social media.
but then you hear it. a singular name hidden between a mouthful of words, something so miniscule you normally would've missed it. but when your ears pick up on the familiar syllables, your body seems to stop entirely on its own.
"ko kyung-jun is at it again. does he ever stop?"
yoon-seo and jung-won send you matching confused glances, and vaguely, you can hear them asking you what's wrong. instead of answering, you repeat the name in your head, over and over again, the shape of it lingering on your tongue.
ko kyung-jun.
three years ago, ko kyung-jun was a simple high school student in your class. he was a boy who enjoyed picking on the weak and climbing his way to the top. time has yet to pass, meaning, he's alive right now. death has not yet taken him from this world.
"i'll be right back. you guys go on ahead." you find yourself mumbling, ignoring their protests as you spin around and dash down the hall.
you brush past a sea of blurry faces, searching for a specific one. the further you get away from your classroom, the further the voices get, until there's barely anyone present in the still, quiet space. you pause, catching your breath, glancing around frantically. kyung-jun usually hung out near this side of the school, so why couldn't you find him?
"ju-won! stand still!"
it's not kyung-jun's voice, but you still recognize it. it carries the crash of cymbals, resonating in your head long after it ceases to speak. you dash towards the source of the sound, skidding to a stop by the stairs. at the landing between the third and fourth floor, seung-bin and jin-ha stand in front of a small, trembling boy, and you recognize him to be ju-won, one of your quieter classmates. and there, watching the scene unfold, leaning casually against the wall, is kyung-jun.
they all turn at your arrival, their faces holding a mixture of annoyance, curiosity, and fear, the latter coming from ju-won, who is currently pinned against the wall by the collar of his shirt. the annoyance comes from seung-bin and jin-ha, the ghost of a scowl forming on their lips, while the curiosity lays evidently on kyung-jun's face.
"what are you looking at? get lost." seung-bin snaps.
normally, you would've acted in that situation. threatened to call a teacher, or record their violence. but this time, all you can do is stare, eyes locked on the boy just several feet away from you, something unexplainable pressing down against your chest. kyung-jun looks the same. his hair is gelled back, his eyes sharp and his expression guarded. but it's the fact that his chest rises and falls in even breaths, the fact that he's alive, that puts a feeling to the name. relief.
"hey!" jin-ha's annoyance grows, and he steps closer, standing by the top step and looking down upon you, "we're talking to you. can't you hear?"
you freeze, any words you wanted to speak dying in your throat. it shouldn't affect you the way it does. it's not like jin-ha knows the future, and that one day, your hearing will cease to exist. but that question has been asked to you so many times, both out of confusion and frustration, that your body's initial response is to glance away in shame.
kyung-jun lets out a short, exasperated breath, pushing himself away from the wall and motioning with his head for them to follow, "come on, let's go."
seung-bin stares at the boy in bewilderment, "what? why?"
kyung-jun's eyes shift to meet your own, holding you there, regarding you for several long, quiet moments. a hint of his earlier curiosity remains, but something else arises too, something you can't place, "it's not fun anymore."
he descends the steps, brushing past you, and when it's apparent that kyung-jun has no intention of continuing his earlier antics, seung-bin and jin-ha comply. the blond shoves ju-won back against the wall, pulling a grunt from the boy, before falling into step with jin-ha as they catch up to their leader's purposeful strides. you turn around, watching kyung-jun's back, seeing him get farther and farther away. a part of you wants to call out, to say his name on your lips, reassure yourself that he exists in this world still, but a firm hand placed on your shoulder prevents you from doing so.
"just ignore them. they aren't worth your time."
jang hyun-ho's voice is like the deep strum of a guitar. when you turn your head to look at him, there's a comfort in his strong presence. you aren't exactly surprised to find him there. he's always been the type to protect the weak, to extend a helping hand to those who need it. three years ago, when you last saw him, you've always been eager to take his hand. and even now, as he stands before you, the same as you remember, you find yourself feeling at ease.
"i know." you reply, mustering up a small smile. but why does it feel like the wrong choice? letting kyung-jun walk away?
hyun-ho calls out to ju-won, who brushes the wrinkles out of his uniform and meets the two of you at the bottom of the steps. he leans down and gives you a grateful bow.
"t-thank you! i'm really grateful!"
your eyes widen, shaking your head while motioning for the boy to straighten his posture, "oh! there's no need to thank me. i didn't really do anything."
hun-ho laughs, "she's just being modest. whatever she did had them tucking their tails between their legs," he places a hand on ju-won's shoulder, shaking him lightly, "seriously though, don't let those bastards pick on you anymore, ju-won. if they try anything again, let me know, and i'll teach them a lesson."
you roll your eyes at hyun-ho's words, the boastful tone of his voice. three years and you'd forgotten how overly confident he could be. back then, you used to worry about his rash actions when it came to kyung-jun and his friends. you lost count of the amount of times those two argued or ended up in some sort of fight. you find that you feel a similar emotion stir in your chest.
"hey, you shouldn't be picking fights. they won't let you on the national team with a record." you scold, which causes hyun-ho to turn towards you with a cocky grin.
"are you worried about me?"
you blink, tilting your head at him, slightly puzzled. his question didn't make much sense to you, given your relationship, and there was something about the teasing lilt hidden within his tone that you couldn't explain, "of course i am. we're friends."
something shifts in hyun-ho's expression, a slight disappointment in the space between his brows and the corners of his lips. but it's gone so quick you think you imagined it, and even if it had occurred, you couldn't explain why.
ju-won clears his throat, muttering something about going to class before scurrying down the hall. you watch him disappear around the corner, baffled by his sudden departure. did you say something wrong? eventually, you feel a soft nudge at your shoulder. hyun-ho smiles down at you softly, titling his head towards the boy's direction, not a trace of that earlier, strange emotion on his face.
"come on, we should head back, too. class will start soon."
you slowly nod, following after the taller boy while forgetting about your internal dilemma. when you make it to the classroom, you're the last two to enter, and your arrival right before the bell causes several of your classmates to glance up and send you several amused looks. you aren't sure why exactly they wear such delight on their faces, and yoon-seo and jung-won don't help with the fact as you sit down, the two girls shooting you eager, curious looks.
'why do they keep looking at me like that?'
once more you attempt to question their strange behavior, but the door to your classroom slides open, your teacher striding in and placing a notebook neatly on the podium. the voices around you hush to a quiet whisper, and with the beginning of class, the opportunity escapes you once again.
"alright, settle down. let's start with attendance. kim jun-hee?"
-
the day passes in a blur. you thought it'd be difficult adapting to the routine of your high school schedule, but you found that you had relatively no problems easing into this part of your life again. as you sat through lectures, the material came back to you quickly, and when lunch time rolled around, your steps automatically went towards the benches in the courtyard, the spot you sat in everyday when you were still in school. you didn't exactly miss high school, but things were much simpler then. it's a part of your youth that you always look back on with a fond smile, a wistful memory.
when the bell rings, you walk with yoon-seo and jung-won by your side, your footsteps directed towards the pathway that will lead you to cram school. typically, you would walk your friends to the building before heading home, but this time is different.
you spot him immediately.
ko kyung-jun walks by himself several paces ahead. his bag is slung over his shoulder, and he keeps his head held high. the students around him step away at the sight of him, avoiding his sharp eyes as he leaves the school grounds. he takes a right, the opposite direction to both your bus stop and your friends destination, but that small detail doesn't matter to you at the moment.
"hey, you guys go on ahead. i have something to do." you mumble absentmindedly, focus trained on his retreating form.
the girls share a look, but they don't object, and it's yoon-seo who smiles gently and waves you off, "okay, we'll see you tomorrow."
you rush off, slowing your footsteps when he's finally back in sight. your fingers grip the straps of your bag, taking in the scene before you.
you think it odd that seung-bin and jin-ha aren't with him. if you remembered correctly, the trio typically left school as a group, and ended up either at the park smoking cigarettes or an internet cafe playing games. it's weird to see kyung-jun alone. you consider calling out to him, but immediately falter. what would you even say? the future hasn't happened yet. this version of kyung-jun can't answer the questions you have. this kyung-jun hasn't saved you yet, and you're not sure if the moment that pushed him to make that decision has occurred either. the only thing he can offer you is a bit of comfort in his living, breathing form.
as he walks, you notice other qualities about him that you never paid much mind to before. kyung-jun doesn't get distracted by his surroundings. he keeps his attention trained ahead, his footsteps relaxed and steady. due to his tall stature, his strides take up more space than you, and you have to quicken your own steps to keep your distance the same size. and then there's the sound. the rhythm of his feet hitting the earth remind you of a drum, and right now, without his acrimony, it's a softer sound, but the impact is all the same.
an annoyed curse pulls you away from your thoughts, and you stop walking when kyung-jun turns around and pins his hard stare on your face, "what the fuck do you want?"
you blink, fingers curling and uncurling around the strap of your bag nervously. you weren't expecting him to notice you, but now that he has, you hesitate. what are you supposed to say? that you wanted to talk to him? that you were curious about his whereabouts? that you're worried about him, and the sight of him alive puts you at ease? he'd call you crazy, "nothing."
he narrows his eyes suspiciously, unconvinced, "then why are the hell are you following me?"
"i'm not. i just happen to be going in the same direction."
the corners of kyung-jun's lips twitch upwards, and he lets out a disbelieving laugh, "liar. you don't live in this neighborhood."
busted. you ignore the fact that he doesn't live here either, so really, he had no way of knowing whether you were lying or not. instead, you drop your hands, releasing a breath, "okay fine. i don't want to go home, so i was stalling. but i'm going in this direction to visit the convenience store," you lift up your hand and point over his shoulder, "that one up ahead."
he follows your fingers, his attention drawn to the small store only for a second before shifting back to you. he studies you for a moment, and you wait anxiously, keeping your expression neutral, hoping he'll believe the quick lie you conjured up. finally, a scowl forms on kyung-jun's lips, and he mutters something under his breath before turning around and resuming his stride.
you step into the convenience store, hesitating for a moment once inside. your eyes drift towards kyung-jun's retreating form, taking in the way his hair blows in the wind and his hand sits comfortably in his pocket. when he's out of sight, you enter the quiet space and purchase a drink, the image of his figure never leaving your mind.
for the remainder of the day, it becomes difficult to think. not because it was hard to focus, but because you had so many thoughts running through your mind and it was difficult picking just one to settle upon. during dinner, you replay the scene with kyung-jun in your head, paying close attention to every detail you remember. what were you even doing, following after him like that? if it really was to talk, you would've been more honest with him. you wouldn't have hesitated.
"is something wrong? you're barely eating." your mother asks, noticing the way you push your food around on your plate. you shrug, taking another bite of food to satisfy her.
"just tired." you mumble, indicating your reluctance to continue the conversation.
while you do your homework, your attention drifts towards your situation as a whole. you've yet to figure out why you were sent back in time. you tried to look it up, to find other cases of people being sent back, but your research results in only movie recommendations and unreliable sources. as far as you're aware, you're the only person in the world who has managed time travel.
while you get ready for bed, you try to figure out if you did anything differently. you run through your entire day leading up to the moment you woke up in your childhood bedroom, but no details stand out. but there had to be a reason, right? people usually go back in time to fix something, to change the future. was there something crucial you needed to prevent?
you pause, hesitantly reaching up your fingers and brushing against the shell of your ears. was that it? did the world finally answer your first wish back in that hospital bed when you received the news? did you come back to this moment in your life to prevent the crash that ruined it? you rush towards your desk, pulling out your calendar and flipping through the pages. you stop when you reach the month of march. the exact day of your crash remains blank. one year from now, it'll happen. and no matter what, you couldn't let it.
you pick up a red pen, circling the date. you feel a little more at ease after doing so, dropping your hands to the surface of your desk and letting out a small breath.
the bracelet on your hand catches your eye.
slowly, you lift up your wrist, your fingers pulling at the worn down thread around your skin. the memories surrounding the accessory surface, one after the other, making your chest feel tight and the oxygen in your lungs scarce. the letter and the box. the photo in kyung-jun's wallet, faded and creased. the lighter in your hands, the last thing that remained of him in your world. ko kyung-jun, murdered by someone unknown, dying alone and afraid.
what if that was your purpose? preventing kyung-jun's death? you had wished for it, hadn't you? wanted it so desperately you would've given anything to try again. to pull kyung-jun away from the cliff and back on the solid path towards a full and happy life. was this the bracelet's doing? granting your wish?
but why this time? why during your senior year of high school? wouldn't have it been more convenient to be sent back a day or two before his death?
he must have gotten himself mixed up with the wrong sort of people.
jung-won's words come back to you, hitting you in full force. right. kyung-jun died because of a gang. at this point in time, he must not be involved with them yet. but if you were able to somehow stop him from joining, that would work, wouldn't it? if kyung-jun never associates with them, he will never die because of it.
but how the hell do you convince him to listen to you?
-
you pondered over the solution all throughout the night and morning. it plagued you as you pulled yourself out of bed and slipped on your uniform, running through your mind as you ate breakfast and rushed to the bus stop. once again, yoon-seo and jung-won notice your faraway look, but this time they don't question it, to which you're grateful for. an answer to your dilemma has yet to reach you, but you think you're almost there. on the precipice of a solution.
and sure enough, when you step off the bus and walk towards the front gates, it hits you then. latching onto your brain with a tight grip, never letting go.
kyung-jun stands at the front, an annoyed look present on his face, glaring at the back of your teachers head as he makes him step aside. you realize that it's the disciplinary committee, and kyung-jun is lacking his sweater vest and nametag, resulting in a punishment for his incomplete attire. surprisingly enough, seung-bin and jin-ha enter the gates without an issue, leaving the boy alone.
hurriedly, without properly thinking it through, you slip off your tie and stuff it into your bag, feigning ignorance as you step towards the gates. as expected, the teacher's eyes latch onto the spot where the piece of clothing should be, and holds out his ruler to prevent you from taking another step.
"wait just one moment. where's your tie?" he asks.
your hands reach towards your collar, twisting your face into false surprise and exasperation, "oh, i forgot it. i must've been in such a rush that i left it on my bed. sorry teacher."
the man shakes his head, motioning with his chin to the spot by kyung-jun's frame, "step aside."
yoon-seo and jung-won turn back briefly. yoon-seo sends you a worried glance, while jung-won narrows her eyes at you, a hint of suspicion creeping into her face. you smile bashfully, waving them off, feeling relieved when they leave without another word.
you and kyung-jun are the only ones to get caught that day. the teacher has you kneel in front of the school doors, your hands raised above your head, forced to stay silent as the man paces back and forward in circles around you. you shift every so often, feeling the exhaustion slowly creep into your muscles. beads of sweat also begin forming on your skin, being directly under the sun making your body heat up. beside you, kyung-jun is utterly still, his intense gaze set on the floor.
when the teacher disappears out of sight, kyung-jun speaks, his voice a sharp whisper, coated thickly with annoyance, "you stalking me or something?"
"what?" you whisper, sparing him a quick glance. his head is tilted slightly in your direction, and although he sounds irritated, he doesn't look angry, "no. i just forgot my tie."
he scowls, "you really expect me to believe that?"
you glance away, straightening your posture, "i'm not sure what you're implying."
"how dumb do you think i am? i saw you take it off."
you feel a flush spread across your face. why does he have to be so observant? "well-"
a sharp pain erupts from the back of your head, causing you to wince. the teacher scolds you for talking, and while you whisper a quick sorry, you hear the quiet snicker of laughter from beside you. this time, you're the one irritated, and you send kyung-jun a pointed glare in his direction. he merely quirks his lips up into a smirk.
"shut up, that was entirely your fault." you hiss.
instead of responding, kyung-jun presses a finger to his lips before facing forward once more, fixing his posture. the fact that he's pretending to comply to the teachers demands just to annoy you makes your frustration build.
'is this really the same guy who saved my life?' it seemed so unlikely, especially considering the fact that kyung-jun didn't seem to like you that much.
several more minutes pass, and the teacher pauses his motions, pulling out his phone and speaking into the device. you watch his face carefully, see the way it morphs from confusion to bafflement to panic. he slips the device into his pocket, directing his attention to you and kyung-jun. he motions between the two of you, eyes narrowed in suspicion.
"hey, you two. stay here for another ten minutes. i'll know if you leave, so don't try anything, otherwise i'll make you run laps instead."
with that, he slips inside the building, leaving the two of you utterly alone. you shift once more, peeking at kyung-jun from the corner of your eyes. he angles his body to glance back at the doors, searching for something, and whatever he seems to find satisfies him. he drops his hands and stands up.
"hey, where are you going?" you call out when he starts walking towards to the doors.
kyung-jun turns back around, appearing bored and just slightly displeased by your question, "what does it look like?"
"the teacher said to stay."
the corners of kyung-jun's lips twitch. he pulls a hand out of his pocket and points at the camera sitting by the entrance of the school, "those cameras don't even work, and he's not coming back," his eyes drift back to your own, and this time, a smile really does form on his lips. he tilts his head at you, "what, don't believe me?"
for some reason, the sight of kyung-jun smiling at you, mocking or not, makes your chest feel tight. you feel exposed for a moment, helpless under his scrutinizing eyes, his playful grin. it feels different than his amusement when picking on others. it feels more like he's testing you, pushing your buttons to see how far you'll go, how willing you are to get close to him.
you slowly lower your arms, push yourself to your feet, meet his gaze head on. a hint of surprise reflects in his dark brown eyes, like he wasn't expecting you to actually trust him. you feel a bit of satisfaction at the sight.
you follow kyung-jun to your classroom, and just like the previous day, you're the last one to enter. this time, however, the expression on your classmates faces display a more prominent version of surprise. you can feel their stares on your form as you sit down, especially yoon-seo and jung-won's. they turn around in their seats.
yoon-seo leans towards you, her eyebrows pressed together in concern, "what happened?"
you clear your throat, easing the nerves crawling across your skin, "i just forgot my tie. the teacher made us sit in front of the school and keep our arms above our head as punishment."
"that's all?" she questions, still not entirely convinced. you muster up what you hope is a reassuring smile.
"that's all."
yoon-seo's eyes drift towards the right side of the room, towards a certain boy slumped against the desk, resting his head on a pillow. her attention then lands on jung-won, who won't stop staring at you with her clinical eyes, trying to pick apart the situation you weren't being entirely honest about. you avoid their gazes, having never been good at hiding your emotions, and feel relieved when they finally turn around in their seats and face the board.
despite that, however, you can't shake off the feeling that someone is watching you, specifically kyung-jun. the back of your neck prickles upon feeling his intense eyes from across the room, making something stir in the pit of your stomach. for a split moment, you turn your head to look at him, take in the way his cheek is pressed against the pillow, his eyes scanning your face, a curiosity lingering in his gaze. it strikes an emotion inside your chest, something you can't name, something you're afraid of.
you turn away, and thankfully, the feeling disappears.
Notes:
HAHAHAH finally some kyung-jun content sorry for depriving you guys last chapter but rest assured you will be sick of him by the end LOL
also hyun-ho scenes? i was hoping more people would point out his appearance in both the tags and the summer chapter, but alas, only one person so far caught onto the fact that he plays a key role in this story. i sense some jealously may brew between the two....as always, i appreciate comments on this story, even if you're just saying hi. i do my best to respond to each and every one. and feel free to rant about the chapter and i will rant with you HAHAH love you all until next week!
Chapter 4: three
Notes:
hi my lovelies how you enjoy this chapter we get to see more of kyung-jun being a stubborn bitch
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
ONE YEAR BEFORE THE ACCIDENT.
MARCH - MAY
you're slowly starting to think that maybe the universe doesn't want you getting close to kyung-jun.
it may seem like paranoia, but every time you think an opportunity arises for you to talk to the boy, a roadblock stands in your way. it comes in many different forms. a scheduling conflict. being at the right place at the wrong time. kyung-jun's unknown whereabouts. you didn't realize it in the past, but he's hard to approach. not just because he tends to skip class or wander in secluded areas of the school, but whenever you do see him, his focus is always set on a particular thing, and he doesn't stop for anybody. seung-bin and jin-ha don't help with the situation either. they are always around kyung-jun, and the one time you tried talking to him with them present, they wouldn't stop taunting or teasing you until you left.
and just when you see an opportunity, a sliver of hope in the steadily helpless situation, an issue arises. something like your current situation.
classes for the day have ended, and as you're walking out of school with your friends by your side, it doesn't take long for you to spot kyung-jun's figure several feet ahead. just like before, he's leaving by himself, confident in his stride, his sharp eyes set on the path ahead. it's the first time he's been alone since your last encounter, and you believe it to be the perfect chance. but just as you're directing your footsteps to the right, yoon-seo and jung-won stop you.
"where are you going? don't you have practice today?" jung-won asks, sending you a puzzled look.
you pause in your steps, realizing with a start that she was right. you always had practice on this day of the week. but it's been so long since you've last attended lessons that you forgot the way it fit into your schedule.
"right. it must've slipped my mind." you release a small laugh, a futile attempt to diffuse the awkwardness of the situation as you direct your footsteps to the bus stop.
yoon-seo searches your face worriedly as you walk, "are you feeling okay? you never forget practice."
"yeah, you refuse to ditch it even if it's to hang out with us." jung-won pipes in.
you clear your throat, shrugging your shoulders, "i've just had a lot on my mind lately."
they both grow quiet for a moment, sharing a quick glance. it's yoon-seo who speaks up, her voice soft, holding a tender note within, "you know you can talk to us right? don't keep everything to yourself."
guilt creeps its way into your body at her blatant display of concern, pressing its heavy weight against your lungs. yoon-seo and jung-won have always been there for you throughout your life. during the aftermath of your accident, when you struggled to communicate, all the times you felt like giving up on yourself. they've always been so patient with you, so understanding. 'i've been a bad friend lately, haven't i?' but how could you explain the dire situation you're in? that the girl they are talking to is a different version of yourself? she is not naive or carefree. she has burdens, an incessant desire to save someone from a cruel fate. you'd feel terrible passing the weight of it to their shoulders.
"i know. thank you guys," a smile works its way onto your face, and you nudge jung-won gently with your shoulder, "hey, let's get food once i'm done with practice. i'll even meet you at cram school."
"only if you're paying." yoon-seo grins, causing you to shake your head and laugh.
"okay. deal."
the three of you part ways at the bus stop. as soon as you step inside, you stand by the window, watching the two girls wave you goodbye. while yoon-seo uses her entire body to express her passion, jung-won only moves her wrist, a much milder, quieter affection. it's funny how different the two of them are, two sides of the same coin, one extreme to the other. it's no wonder they are best friends. they balance each other perfectly. your own hands lift up and mimic the motion, not dropping your hand until they are completely out of sight, a fondness blooming in your chest.
you arrive home only to pick up your violin case and music bag, then proceed to the practice center. when you enter, you pause at the entrance for a moment, taking it all in. the lobby is filled with a handful of children and adults alike, each holding different instruments in their arms while either leaving or arriving for their lessons. you pass by the check in desk and move through the hallways, your feet automatically taking you towards the classroom you've played in since as long as you could remember. when you reach the familiar door, your teacher's name etched into the plaque right beside it, you take in a deep breath before stepping inside.
miss lee, an unmarried woman in her forties, smiles at you gently from where she sits by the piano. her long, brown hair is pulled back into a neat bun, the corners of her eyes creased with something tender. an unknown object lodges in your throat at the sight of her, feeling emotional all of a sudden. she's been teaching you for as long as you could remember. that first day in this very classroom, when your mom finally enrolled you in classes, you had been so nervous, hiding behind your mother's legs, fingers curling around the edges of your dress. but instead of scolding you for your shyness, miss lee had merely smiled, crouching down so she was eye level with you and handing you a lollipop. you'd begged your mom to let you stay for an extra hour when class was over.
you haven't seen her since your accident, losing all contact with her. what was the point? you couldn't hear, so you couldn't make music. not the way you used to. it was that simple.
but god, you missed her so much.
"well don't just stand there, let's get started with some warm up exercises."
her gentle voice pulls you away from your thoughts, and you smile weakly, swallowing thickly to get rid of the emotion as you slip off your violin case and pull it out. you stare at the instrument for a moment, brushing your hands delicately over the polished wood, pulling at the strings. a gentle sound erupts, tickling your ears, and it makes the pressure in your chest return with newfound intensity.
you stand in the center of the room, relaxing your muscles as you get into position. the violin rests against your collarbone and chin, balanced on your left side as you hold the bow with your right hand. you take a deep breath, then hesitate.
what if you don't know how to play? it's been three years since you've picked up the instrument. after you had destroyed it, you refused to even look at it. it was nothing but a cruel reminder of the life you could no longer have, and the heartache was too much to bear.
but if you let this opportunity slip away, you think you'll live to regret it.
you take another deep breath, expanding your lungs, pushing away all the doubt, and pull the bow across the strings.
the moment your wrist moves, it's like you never stopped playing in the first place. muscle memory kicks in, and it doesn't take long for you to find the rhythm of the song, growing lost in the beautiful melody that enters your ears. your eyes flutter closed, the pads of your fingers pressing down on the strings, the bow moving up and down, high and low, a symphony of different notes.
you didn't realize it until it was gone, but now that you were in the midst of it, it becomes so painstakingly clear how much you missed music. standing in this room, feeling the vibrations of the strings in your entire body. how did you ever manage without it? sure, your life was never an unhappy one, even when you had to give up your dream. you found different ways to bring yourself a little bit of joy. but after being given this rare gift to experience the better part of yourself, you're not sure if you could ever do it again. go through the grief of losing the most precious thing to you.
"is it too much to ask for things to be different? please, if anyone is listening, let me hold on to this moment a little longer. let me savor it, lingering on the tongue, an incessant ringing in my ears. let me clutch it tightly in my trembling hands until it slips away.'
when practice is over, you feel oddly liberated rather than depressed. energy buzzes across your skin, and you find yourself humming a soft tune, your fingers unconsciously mimicking the motions of the song you just worked on in the air. as you're tucking your instrument back into its case your teacher speaks.
"very well done today. i'd say you're almost ready for the concert this summer."
the latch snaps shut, and you lift your head, searching your brain for a clue as to what your teacher is referring to. it dawns upon you several seconds later. the concert hosted by the music center begins at the start of summer, taking place in this very building. not only will the violins play, but pianists will as well, along with a performance by the orchestra. you remembered it vividly. it was your last concert before the accident. afterwards, you got busy preparing for your audition to music school, so you never participated in another one.
you stand up, smiling softly in miss lee's direction, "i'm excited for it. i'll make sure to keep practicing hard." you pull the straps of your case over your shoulders, adjusting the weight of it on your back. you bow in gratitude to your teacher, crossing the space to the door. just as you reach for the handle you stop, a sudden thought springing to mind. you turn back, calling out her name, "by the way, do you have a flier for it?"
-
the second opportunity that escapes you happens later in the month, and this time, a different person prevents you from speaking to kyung-jun.
at the front of the classroom, your teacher checks his watch, waiting for several moments before lifting his head and gaining the attention of the room, "alright pencils down," you hear the shuffle of movement across the room, the rustle of papers and annoyed groans blending together to create a certain song. your teacher remains unfazed, turning around and writing on the whiteboard, "for the remainder of class get into pairs to go over the answers."
as expected, as soon as the teacher leaves the room, jung-won and yoon-seo turn around in their seats to face you, holding up their hands to play a game of rock paper scissors. this is how you always decided who'd work with who when groups larger than two weren't allowed, and this time was no different to them. but for you, your eyes were set on a boy on the right side of the room, his head propped up by the palm of his hand, looking slightly bored and annoyed by the instructions on the board. his eyes shift to your own, and when he notices your attention, he raises an eyebrow in your direction, curiosity simmering beneath his expression.
"you guys can work together. i'll find someone else." you reassure them, pushing yourself to stand. but just as you move to take a step in kyung-jun's direction, someone blocks your way. you lift up your eyes, meeting hyun-ho's small grin and relaxed posture.
"you don't have a partner yet, right? let's work together."
you blink in surprise, having not expected the boy to seek you out for partnership. he never has before. you glance behind him, making eye contact with kyung-jun once more. he quickly averts his gaze, his loud, commanding tone calling out to jin-ha, who scrambles to move his desk beside the boy. you release a sigh, feeling an emotion akin to disappointment settle in your limbs.
you turn back towards hyun-ho, who is still staring down at you expectantly. you muster up a small smile, "as long as you don't make me do all the work."
his grin widens, and the sight of his amusement causes you to laugh. you reach for your desk, only to stop when hyun-ho pushes you aside, picking it up for you and placing it beside his own with quick efficiency. you thank him quietly, and the two of you settle into your seats, working through the problems for the first half of the session.
true to his word, hyun-ho offers as much help as possible, focusing attentively on the problems on the paper. your own attention, however, is not as vigilant. every so often, you find yourself glancing back towards kyung-jun's position, taking in the way he leans his back against the wall, twirling a pencil between his fingers, but he never meets your eyes again.
"my next game is this weekend. you're coming, right?" hyun-ho's low voice pulls you away from your distraction. his arms are folded on the table, his body leaning towards you slightly, patiently awaiting your response. he may look unbothered, his expression cool and neutral, but you know him too well to not see the anticipation in his eyes.
"this weekend?" you pretend to think, tapping your pencil against your bottom lip, "i suppose i can free up my schedule for you..."
he frowns, "hey, come on. you know you wouldn't miss it for the world."
you hum absentmindedly, fighting the smile threatening to form on your lips, "i don't know. for dong-hyun? absolutely. for you? not so sure."
hyun-ho's frown deepens, his eyes narrowed at you slightly. he reaches across his seat and ruffles your hair, causing you to laugh and halfheartedly push him away.
"okay okay! i'll be there. promise." you plead, relieved when hyun-ho releases you. satisfied, he returns his attention back to the paper, focusing on the problems once more.
you reach up, fixing your hair, eyes drifting across the room as you do so. by the window, yoon-seo and jung-won laugh quietly, the sound of it ringing in your ears, soft like a bell. up front, jun-hee and dong-hyun are silent, their heads bent over their papers, eyes scanning the contents swiftly. and by the wall, kyung-jun hasn't moved from his position, but his eyes finally settle on your own.
they hold you there for a moment, roaming across your face, examining every inch. then, his eyes dart towards the boy beside you, and his expression shifts, an emotion that is hard to place but oddly familiar. it wasn't exactly anger. perhaps more milder, but it simmers beneath his features, threatening to grow into something bigger, something more intense. his lips curl into a scowl, and he turns away, leaving you even more baffled than before.
"hey, what did you get for number six?"
hyun-ho's low voice pulls you away from the scene, and upon meeting his eyes, you learn to forget about your puzzlement. you turn your attention towards the paper, scanning the contents, pondering his question, and don't think of the exchange for the remainder of the class.
-
eventually, your failed attempts start to get frustrating, and you find that a lot of your irritation is directed towards the boy in question. you know it's unfair, but you can't help the way the flame flickers in your chest, burning hotly through your blood. you didn't think it'd be this difficult to get close to kyung-jun. when you racked your brain for memories from high school, it never seemed like kyung-jun disliked you, so it couldn't be avoidance, right? if anything, he regarded you with the same lack of interest you held for him. he never picked on you, and whenever you did interact, he always seemed distant, like he was keeping you at arms length.
but now that you're actively trying to talk to the boy, he always seemed to be out of reach. you thought it'd be different this time around. you thought that if you offered kyung-jun a kind smile, a helping hand, he'd let you inside his walls. you could even become friends, and eventually, he would never find the need to turn towards the shady life of a gang member. you wouldn't lose him the way you do in three years time. he wouldn't die, leaving you with questions unanswered and a hollow space in your heart.
you take a deep breath, blowing out the flame of your exasperation. let's think this through again. initially, your plan had been to incorporate yourself into kyung-jun's life. wandering in places he normally frequented, becoming a part of his routine. during those moments, there was bound to be some contact, even if the conversations were curt and limited. but what mattered was seeing him, slowly gaining his trust, becoming someone he could rely on.
are you going about this wrong? do you need to try a different approach?
you contemplate this heavily during lunchtime. you stand in front of the vending machine outside the school building, shifting your weight from time to time as you press your nail against your bottom lip. your money is already in the machine, but as you pondered over what to get, your thoughts ended up elsewhere, more specifically to a pair of sharp brown eyes and curled lips.
you release a sigh. no matter how you went about it, kyung-jun was just too unpredictable. you really couldn't understand him.
just as the thought enters your mind, a hand reaches out and presses one of the buttons, the loud thud of the drink falling to the bottom startling you. you glance up, your bafflement apparent on your face when kyung-jun's familiar features enter your vision.
he leans down and takes out the drink, holding it up with a smirk resting lazily on his lips, "thanks for this."
he starts walking away, and you blink in bewilderment, not processing the exchange until several seconds after. you laugh in disbelief, shaking your head as you rush after him.
you find kyung-jun leaning against the wall in a secluded area of the school, twisting the cap open and tilting his head back to take a sip. you slow your footsteps, crossing your arms as you stand beside him, "if you wanted something to drink, you could've just asked."
kyung-jun shrugs, unbothered by the accusing tone of your voice, "you were taking so fucking long i thought i'd be nice and pick for you."
"i was deciding what i wanted."
"for ten minutes?" he questions, raising an eyebrow in response.
heat spreads across your face at his observation. you quickly glance away, "there are a lot of options. it's hard to pick just one."
kyung-jun chuckles softly, and the sound is so unexpected, you aren't sure if you heard it correctly. you step closer, mirroring his position against the wall. he spares you a quick glance before returning his attention up ahead, reaching into his pockets and pulling out a pack of cigarettes and a lighter.
the sight of the familiar object makes your heart squeeze inside your chest, painfully tight, and it makes the pocket of your skirt feel heavy where the same lighter sits inside. kyung-jun easily pulls out a cigarette and holds it between his teeth, flicking the latch of the lighter open and pressing down on the switch until a flame erupts. when the fire flickers in the wind, he lifts it to the end of the cigarette, the white object catching fire and producing smoke into the clear, quiet air.
kyung-jun puts the lighter back into his pocket and relaxes against the wall once more, pulling the cigarette from his mouth to blow out a puff of smoke. it curls into the air, twisting around his face and becoming thinner the further away it goes. it's a mesmerizing sight, the way kyung-jun's dark eyes barely flutter shut, the position of his fingers around the cigarette, the shape of his mouth each time he takes a drag and blows out the smoke. it makes your stomach feel a little funny, and you would've pondered the strange feeling if you weren't so against the hobby.
at this rate, he'll die from lung disease rather than murder.
"you know, you should stop that." you find yourself speaking. kyung-jun snaps his eyes to your face, tilting his head in your direction. he doesn't say anything, just stares at you silently, so you continue speaking, "it's bad for your health. do you really want to die young?"
"why do you care?" he retorts, irritation barely concealed beneath his calm exterior.
for some reason, you can't say that you don't. you think it started the moment you learnt about what kyung-jun did for you. a selfless act from a selfish person. how could you not learn to care for him? how could you not worry about his health and safety when he wished for you to have the same? it's sort of strange when you think about it. looking at this boy, seeing his cruelty, but knowing that one day, kyung-jun will put your life before his own.
'i care, because i know that you're hiding behind someone you aren't, and i want to know you. the real you.'
you glance away with a smile, "i don't wanna tell you."
kyung-jun remains quiet for several moments, his eyes never leaving your figure, studying you intensely. eventually, however, his low voice fills the silence, the tone of his words laced with amusement.
"oh, i get it," he pushes away from the wall, stepping closer, and you have to brace yourself when he leans down, his face level with your own. a smile curls his lips, and his eyes, dark and intense, bore into your own, "you like me, don't you?"
the absurdity of his question makes you let out a scoff, "wow. that's where your mind goes to? you have a big ego, don't you?"
he leans back, tilting his head slightly, the smirk on his face never leaving, "don't you think i'm good looking?"
at kyung-jun's question, you find yourself studying him for a moment. you take in the way his hair falls around his face, the easy grin on his lips, the shape of his eyes. how his tall frame makes him tower of your own, and his deep voice, the clatter of a drum, forms a warm ache within your ribs. the thought never crossed your mind before, but looking at him now, the proximity making the heat of his skin practically your own, you realized that kyung-jun is in fact very handsome.
but, of course, you'd never admit that out loud, especially to him. not when his confidence was being used to tease you.
you clear your throat, straightening your posture, "maybe i do. maybe i don't."
the boy narrows his eyes at you, not convinced by your answer, "you do. admit it."
"i will if you stop smoking. i don't find it attractive."
the smirk on kyung-jun's lips widens, and he releases yet another soft chuckle. the sound sends your heart straight to your stomach, sitting there, pounding rapidly.
unfortunately for you, he doesn't seem to care about your opinion, for he takes another drag from his cigarette, purposely making a big show of releasing the white cloud from between his lips. and while it leaves you a little disappointed, it doesn't make the lightness in your chest disappear. it was sort of fun hanging out with kyung-jun like this. talking like it's the most simple thing in the world, his laughter reaching your ears. and for the remainder of lunch, it is. for a single moment, you can forget about the cruel fate he will face one day in the future, and pretend you're nothing more than two teenagers having fun.
-
yoon-seo rests the tip of her fingers against her chin, her eyes narrowed in concentration. she examines jung-won carefully, the latter seated casually in her seat, staring back with a slight hint of amusement. yoon-seo lifts up her fingers, mimicking a camera and positioning it in front of jung-won's face. she tilts her head, her tongue sticking out, and you can't help the small laugh that leaves your throat at the sight.
yoon-seo hums, dropping her hands, seemingly satisfied as she picks up the marker and starts drawing on the board. you share a look with jung-won, who merely shrugs, the amusement on her face increasing.
after several moments, yoon-seo turns to you, "what do you think? is it missing anything?"
you examine the drawing, stifling a laugh at the sight. a cartoonish version of jung-won is now displayed on the board, mirroring her large glasses and straight cut hair. only the upper half of her body is drawn, exhibiting her usual attire of the school's sweater vest and an unintelligible nametag.
"what are you doing?"
a soft blush flushes across yoon-seo's cheeks at the sound of a soft, deep voice, her head turning slightly to the right to stare at kim jun-hee, who peeks over her shoulder. a smile pulls at his lips when he meets her eyes, a softness spreading delicately upon his features. he leans back, inspecting the work on the board.
he mimics yoon-seo's earlier position, resting his nimble fingers on his chin while humming appreciatively, "i'd say it looks exactly like jung-won. have you ever considered being an artist?"
yoon-seo lets out a soft laugh, shaking her head in disbelief as the colors on her cheeks deepen. jung-won uncrosses her arms and leans forward on the desk, her knowing eyes resting on the two teens in front of her, "she could be those sketch artists that work for the police. don't you agree?" she directs the last question to you, and you nod your head enthusiastically.
"are you guys making fun of me?" she asks, narrowing her eyes at you playfully. you straighten your posture, feigning innocence as you do the complete opposite of your earlier action and begin shaking your head rapidly.
jun-hee places a hand on yoon-seo's shoulder, her eyes glancing at the placement of his palm for a brief moment before settling on his face, "i, for one, think your drawing is very nice."
she rolls her eyes, releasing a soft breath. jun-hee's smile grows bigger on his face, and he laughs along with her, the sweet moment only lasting a second longer. breaking the sounds of quiet laughter is a high pitched voice, coated thickly in envy, which comes from the front of the room.
"jun-hee! it's time for class announcements!"
kim so-mi's voice gains your attention, and there she stands, right behind the podium, her eyes sharp and her lips pulled into a thin line. jun-hee turns back towards your friend group, sending you all an apologetic smile, before dropping his hand and joining the vice presidents side.
yoon-seo hastily cleans the board, and the three of you, along with the rest of the class, return to your seats.
jun-hee clears his throat before speaking, "as stated before, we have two big events coming up this summer. in june, we will have our senior class trip. any ideas are welcome."
heo-yool, a boy with slightly curly hair and mischievous eyes, slams his hands down on his desk, his chair scraping against the floor as he stands up. he raises his hand, gaining the attention of the room, "i say we go to the beach!"
murmurs of excitement erupt across the once quiet space, the prospect of the ocean and warm sand appealing to more than half the class. heo-yool grins in triumph at the positive feedback his suggestion brings.
"i object! i think we should go camping!" eun-ha also stands up, her loud, boisterous tone ringing in your ears. once again, your classmates begin whispering about the potential location, glimpses of conversation discussing bonfires and the lake the most prominent topics.
heo-yool scowls, dropping his shoulders in exasperation, "the class last year went camping. we need to do something different!"
eun-ha crosses her arms over her chest, mirroring heo-yool's expression, "why should that matter? we can do whatever we want."
"you really want to go hiking and get bitten by bugs?"
"you want sand everywhere?"
"alright guys, settle down. we can vote to decide." jun-hee's calm voice diffuses the situation, and eun-ha and heo-yool glare at each other before slumping into their seats. immediately after, they turn towards their friends to convince them that their option is clearly the better one, causing you, yoon-seo and jung-won to share amused looks. you remembered this exact scene playing out in your memory, and it's just as funny as ever to see heo-yool and eun-ha bicker like children. of course, you already know what the outcome will be, but it's still fun to watch. it makes you feel like time never passed, and the rest of your life is full of hope and possibilities, your youth never far behind.
while that occurs, jun-hee nods towards so-mi, who picks up the marker and writes both options down on the board.
everyone in the class pulls out their notebooks and rips out a piece of paper, writing down their preferred location and handing it to the front row. while jun-hee counts the votes, so-mi puts tally marks on the board. at first, it appears as if the votes would be even. when the beach would get one vote, the camping trip would get another immediately after. but towards the end, a staggering number of five votes makes the beach the winner.
"yes!" heo-yool cheers, throwing his fist into the air. eun-ha narrows her eyes at him, and the boy sticks out his tongue, which earns him a vulgar gesture from the girl.
"the beach will be fun. we can collect seashells and build sandcastles. oh! maybe we can look for fish. i heard some of them swim pretty close to the shore." yoon-seo begins rambling on about the trip, her excitement apparent through the way her eyes brighten and her hands move in vague gestures in accordance to her words.
as she talks, your mind drifts to your memories of the school trip, and despite yourself, you find kyung-jun there, a prominent figure in your thoughts through recent weeks. the worn down photo hidden in his wallet materializes at the forefront of your mind, the way his soft, unguarded expression is forever captured in that small, singular moment you had together. when you first saw it, you wished you could go back. experience that brief moment where your paths crossed, and make a different choice. and now, you finally have the opportunity to do so.
you want a different memory to come to mind when you think of that day. a day filled with pieces of kyung-jun in them, his presence forever recorded in more than just a single photo.
-
"so, what's the deal with that girl?"
seung-bin's question makes kyung-jun pause, his cigarette halfway to his lips, the smoke curling in the air. his eyes snap to the blond, the latter of which who leans casually against the wall, the weight of his inquiry not quite sinking in. the way he asks it so carelessly makes the blood in kyung-jun's veins boil for a reason he cannot explain.
"mind your own fucking business." kyung-jun mutters, finally placing the object between his lips. jin-ha shifts awkwardly, glancing hesitantly between the two as if he could see the tension rising, threatening to escalate.
and of fucking course, seung-bin continues talking, unaware of the way kyung-jun's jaw tightens, "i'm just saying. she's been hanging around you a lot. she like you or something?"
as he mumbles his thoughts out loud, a group of girls walk pass, their faces morphing into disgust as they wave away the smell of smoke in the air. they mutter something as they pass, something about how unattractive it is, and kyung-jun finds himself pausing, your earlier words repeating in his mind.
he lowers the cigarette, inspecting it carefully, and despite himself, feels a frown pull at his lips. does it really make him look bad? he thought he looked cool doing it. thought it made him look intimidating. and if there was anything ko kyung-jun craved more than power, it was appearing powerful. you could have the strength, but you needed to look the part as well to make others bend under your will.
he presses the cigarette against his mouth, taking another drag, but it has the opposite effect he desires. instead of distracting him from your soft voice, your gentle smile, he feels something hot curl in his stomach, an uncomfortable tightening in his chest. he lets loose a curse, dropping the object to the ground and stomping the flame out with the heel of his shoe.
"she's bold, i'll admit that. but she's so fucking annoying when she's bothering us at school. honestly, she'd be prettier if she wasn't so nosy."
kyung-jun doesn't realize what he is doing until it's already done. he blinks, and instead of staring down at the crushed cigarette beneath his feet, he's staring into seung-bin's widened eyes, his fingers gripping the front of his collar, pressing him harshly against the wall.
"say that shit again." he snarls, and when the blond fails to respond, pulls him back briefly only to shove him against the hard bricks once more. the boy releases a pained grunt, but he doesn't dare make a move to push kyung-jun off.
"i was just kidding!" he chokes out, the desperation in his voice and the fear on his face bringing kyung-jun a sense of satisfaction. the corners of his lips twitch up in response.
"seung-bin," kyung-jun leans forward, his tone low and dangerous as he speaks into his ear, "if i ever hear you say a word about her again, i'll kill you."
he leans back, inspecting seung-bin's face once more. the alarm on the boy's features is more prominent now, and kyung-jun watches the way his fingers tremble by his side, the way his eyes flit rapidly across his face, awaiting his next move. kyung-jun's anger simmers to a low flame, and he lets out a laugh.
"what? why are you so scared?" he releases him, and makes a show of straightening his collar and brushing off the dust on seung-bin's clothes. then, his hand reaches up, lightly slapping the side of seung-bin's face in a mocking manner. the boy averts his eyes, appearing humiliated by the action, and kyung-jun revels in the fact, "i was just joking around. relax."
kyung-jun steps back, and seung-bin swallows thickly, slowly composing himself, but his eyes fail to meet his own once more. jin-ha, the more compassionate one out of the three of them, diffuses the situation by suggesting a round of basketball. while seung-bin nods his head slightly, forcing a smile, kyung-jun just shrugs, leading the way to the nearest court. he rests his hands in his pockets, fiddling with the box of cigarettes inside, but doesn't bring them out again.
Notes:
WHATTTT?? KYUNG-JUN POV???? the crowd is screaming !?!? i'm trying to explore kyung-jun's character a bit more and writing a bit of his pov was a lot of fun i hope it's not too ooc lol i'll definitely include more scenes in his perspective so stay tuned for that, this is not the last you will see of him..
also hyun-ho?? i actually love him so much he's also very fun to write about. AND JUNHEE i promise we will get more of him later on in the story. next chapter is one of my favorites so i'm super excited to release it. see you all next week!
Chapter 5: four
Notes:
i decided to upload this a bit early as a gift for reaching 1000 hits on my other kyung-jun fic 'do you see right through me' idk if i'll upload another chapter on saturday since this is released early butttttt i have four hours to kill at uni so we will see how things go. hope you enjoy!
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
ONE YEAR BEFORE THE ACCIDENT.
MARCH - MAY
the roar of the crowd is deafening. it echoes throughout the entire gymnasium, the vibrations of the sound felt beneath the sole of your shoes, down to your very bones. it's like a symphony, steadily rising, a crescendo in the forms of excited cheers and anticipating shouts. and when it hits a certain level, the final note, it all comes rushing back down.
your eyes swiftly scan the stands, spotting yoon-seo, jung-won and jun-hee towards the center. yoon-seo waves her hands to gain your attention, motioning you over. you hastily rush towards the steps, excusing yourself as you make your way towards the spare seat she saved beside her on the bench.
"am i late?" you ask anxiously as you sit down.
yoon-seo smiles at you reassuringly, "you're just in time. they are about to start. see?" she points towards the right side of the gym, "there's dong-hyun and hyun-ho, right there."
you follow her fingers, spotting a small crowd of players off to the side. they are huddled in a small circle, their heads slightly bent, craning to listen more intently to their coaches instructions. you spot hyun-ho first, his tall stature a stark contrast compared to the rest of his teammates. he wears his white uniform, which is tied by a black belt, and his arms are crossed over his chest, his face calm and relaxed. beside him, dong-hyun stands with his hands on his hips, his nervousness enough to carry for the both of them.
"dong-hyun looks like he's about to throw up. will he be okay?" you ask worriedly.
jung-won purses her lips, hiding a smile, "who's to say? let's just hope he doesn't vomit all over his opponent."
jun-hee, who sits on the other side of yoon-seo, nudges jung-won with his shoulder, "come on, let's have some faith in him. it's his first big match after all."
"hey hey, it's starting!"
yoon-seo's frantic, excited tone brings your attention back to the center of the gym. sure enough, the small circle previously formed has now broken, and one of the members of hyun-ho's team steps up to the empty space, accompanied by his opponent, who wears a blue judo uniform instead of a white one. they face each other, lean down and bow, and when the referee lifts up his flag and strikes it down, they collide.
as the matches progress, you find yourself sitting on the edge of your seat, leaning forward, your fingers curled tightly around the bench. you thought you wouldn't enjoy watching people fight each other, especially for fun. it was always a little unsettling seeing fights break out at school, the sight of blood and the sound of pained grunts a less than appealing sight. but as you watch the practiced ease in which each player moves, the precision, there's a rush that accompanies the exact moment the opponent gets pinned to the ground, signaling the end of the match. the scream of excitement released from the winner's throat, their fist lifted into the air, reigning victorious, brings a sort of thrill that is difficult to ignore.
"oh, look! hyun-ho is up!" yoon-seo exclaims.
as hyun-ho walks to the center of the room, his strides are purposeful, even, not a single falter in his step. his head is held high, his shoulders set back, exuding his confidence. when he reaches his designated spot, his eyes drift across the deafening space, searching for something, perhaps a face, in the crowd.
his eyes meet your own.
you feel rooted to your spot as hyun-ho stares at you, a flicker of recognition shifting in his expression. you lift up your hand and wave, calling out his name, and one side of his mouth lifts up into a smile as he returns the gesture. you feel yoon-seo nudging you gently on the side, almost teasingly, but you ignore it in favor of watching hyun-ho as he directs his attention back to the match.
he rolls the left side of his shoulder, loosening his limbs before getting into position directly in front of his opponent. compared to the other players who've already played, something about the way hyun-ho stands, not a hint of fear evident in his figure, pulls you towards him. your eyes never stray away from his face, the ghost of a smile always playing on his lips, and it's striking, how intense his gaze becomes as he finishes the customary bow and lifts his hands. mesmerizing would be the right word, you believe, the way hyun-ho looks in the midst of his element. a star shining brightly amongst the crowd.
when the flag gets pulled towards the ground, hyun-ho and his rival move quickly, shifting on their feet, their hands reaching out and attempting to find purchase on any weak spot in their demeanor. hyun-ho's eyes lock onto the belt around the other boy's waist, and he moves quicker than you can blink, far faster than you can comprehend. his hands latch onto the fabric of his hips, then on his back, and he pulls him forward while locking both his legs around the boy's right one. pulled off balance, they both fall, tumbling towards the ground, and you let out a soft gasp when their bodies hit the floor. but the fight is not over, and hyun-ho is quick to rearrange his limbs and roll, laying the blue uniform flat on the ground.
you don't even realize you're on your feet, screaming in excitement alongside your friends, until several seconds later, when your throat starts to hurt from how loud your voice becomes. your hands clap together excitedly, jumping up and down, feeling proud when hyun-ho stumbles to his feet and allows a crooked, victorious smile to rest on his lips.
the rest of the morning progresses with a series of matches, both victorious and defeating, and dong-hyun, despite his earlier anxiety, manages to win his own game. by the end of it, your throat is sore and your voice is scratchy from all the excitement, and your school takes home several medals, two of which hang around your friends necks when they're finally released to go home.
the four of you follow the crowd down the steps of the stands, maneuvering through the hundreds of bodies trying to file out all at once. when you reach the bottom, jung-won wraps her fingers around your wrist and pulls you towards an open, unoccupied space, and it doesn't take long for jun-hee and yoon-seo to join you, their own hands clasped together. they immediately pull apart, a dark flush spreading across their entire face and ears. you can't help the knowing look you share with jung-won, who rolls her eyes in response.
an excited yell pulls you away from the exchange, finding hyun-ho and dong-hyun approaching. while hyun-ho's paces are slow and even, his hands hidden inside his pockets, dong-hyun runs ahead, lifting his arms in the air as he lets out another whoop. you release a laugh, meeting the boy halfway. you mirror his movements and lift up your arms, slapping your palms against his hands as the two of you jump up and down.
"did you see that?" dong-hyun's voice comes out rushed, strung together like the notes of a trumpet. his eyes are bright as he replays the events of his match, "did you see the way i slammed him to the ground? i totally thought i was a goner, but then i used this move my teacher taught me and bam! ippon!"
"i saw! it was awesome!" you laugh, squeezing his hands once more before dropping your arms back to your side. jun-hee, jung-won and yoon-seo approach from behind, each of them exchanging high fives with dong-hyun as they congratulate him.
their voices blend together as the conversation continues, each of their expressions reflecting the pride and elation the victory of the game created. you watch the scene unfold with a fond sort of smile, a warmth blossoming in your chest at the way yoon-seo and dong-hyun exchange eager grins. from behind her, jun-hee watches your friend with a soft look, something tender in his expression, and jung-won's scarce praises makes the victor beam with pride.
hyun-ho ruffles your hair as he finally catches up to the group, looking down into your face with a smile, "so? was i cool?"
"oh yeah, the coolest. i couldn't look away for a single second," you agree, recalling hyun-ho's swift movements during the match. no matter how many times you've watched him practice, it never failed to amaze you, "thanks for inviting me out here by the way."
hyun-ho leans back, crossing his arms over his chest as he tilts his head slightly, "aren't you glad you cleared your busy schedule to see me?"
you roll your eyes, exasperated by his remark, "when did i say that?"
"if i remember correctly, you said you'd only come here for dong-hyun. are you going back on your word?"
"oh come on. you know i was just teasing you."
hyun-ho's grin widens, a playfulness painting his features. it reminds you of when you first met the boy back in elementary school. back then, he'd do nothing but pull your hair and steal your crayons. it annoyed you greatly at the time, but there came moments when the other kids would pick on you, and the boy in which you hated would never hesitate to scold them. from then on, you became close friends, even if his mischievous tactics never subsided.
it's a shame really, that you lost contact with hyun-ho after the events of your accident. if you remembered correctly, he tried to visit you a couple times, but you always turned him away. eventually, hyun-ho grew busy with his career on the national team, and he was always leaving the country for competitions.
"hey, hyun-ho, dong-hyun," jun-hee's voice gains the attention of the group, and they all turn towards him expectantly, "this means you guys are eligible to try out for the national team, right?"
dong-hyun straightens, a prideful look on his face, "yup. we're gonna start training for it right away."
"no way, really?" your eyes widen, and you turn towards hyun-ho, who tries to hide his own boastful smile. you didn't realize that this was the game that signified the start of his dream. you slap him on the shoulder, "why didn't you tell me? this is a big deal!"
he winces when your hand makes contact with his arm, bringing his fingers up to massage the spot, "hey, careful, i'm still sore from the match."
worry replaces your initial shock, "oh! i'm sorry! did i hurt you?"
instead of responding, the boy lets out a long sigh, twisting his face into that of pain, "i think you broke my arm."
for a moment, you feel guilty, intending to figure out a way to right your wrong. but then you catch the way hyun-ho's lips twitch at the corners, threatening to form a smile, and his expression is far too exaggerated to be real. you narrow your eyes at him, your tone low with a hint of warning laced within, "jang hyun-ho."
this time, he lets the smirk rest on his face, and he straightens, dropping his hand, "tell you what. i'll forgive you if you treat me to a meal."
you purse your lips, glaring at him more intensely before releasing a sigh, "fine. only because you won your game," you turn towards the rest of your friends, "what do you guys think? should we go out to celebrate?"
for a split moment, your friends exchange a quick glance, something unspoken passing between the three of them. unknown to yourself, but definitely concerning some sort of premade mutual agreement. jung-won readjusts her glasses, clearing her throat.
"actually, yoon-seo and i made plans to visit cram school and start studying for our exams, so we can't make it today."
yoon-seo nods her head, a sheepish, apologetic smile settling on her lips, "we're really sorry. maybe next time?"
you wave her off, "don't worry about it. jun-hee? dong-hyun?"
dong-hyun brightens, "i could eat-"
"dong-hyun," jun-hee hastily cuts in, gripping the athletes shoulder with a laugh, "don't you remember your promise to help me with that thing?"
dong-hyun blinks in confusion, "what thing?"
"you know. about the festival." jun-hee stares expectantly into the boy's face, and for several seconds, he stares back in bewilderment. but then jun-hee subtly tips his head in your direction, and the boy shifts his eyes to follow before a sort of realization dawns upon him.
"oh right! the festival!" he lets out a laugh, turning towards you and bowing his head slightly, "sorry, looks like i'll have to sit this one out as well. but you two go ahead! have fun without us!"
"are you sure? we could reschedule-"
"no it's fine! we'll see you two at school!" dong-hyun exclaims, not letting you get another word in as he and jun-hee quickly walk away. jung-won and yoon-seo pull you into a swift hug before doing the same, leaving you and hyun-ho alone in the gymnasium.
you slowly turn towards the boy, unable to help the puzzlement sitting on your chest and morphing the planes of your face, "hey, is it just me, or was that really strange?"
hyun-ho shrugs, appearing unbothered by the entire exchange, but there's a bit of amusement reflected in his eyes, "probably just you. so, where are you taking me out to eat?"
-
a hot bowl of yukgaejang sits in front of you, the steam of the heat blowing in the air. it enters your nose, providing you with the scent of beef and spice, and you hum in appreciation, feeling your stomach stir in anticipation.
"wow, this looks amazing. how did you know about this spot?" you ask eagerly.
"i saw it online. it's pretty popular among the locals." hyun-ho explains.
you glance around the restaurant, which holds a large quantity of customers crowded into various tables scattered throughout the space. it's a small place, run by an older couple who scurry throughout the room, placing down steaming plates and bringing over bottles of soju when asked. and despite the constant clinking of plates and the rush of voices rattling your eardrums, it's cozy in a sort of familiar way.
'maybe i should bring kyung-jun here one day. does he like yukgaejang? i wonder if he has a low spice tolerance.'
you grin, the thought of kyung-jun's face flushing to a deep red making you laugh quietly to yourself. across from you, hyun-ho sends you a strange look, and you quickly clear your throat, clapping your hands together and briefly fluttering your eyes shut, "jal meokgesseumnida," when you finish the prayer, you eagerly pick up your spoon, scooping up the soup and blowing on it softly before taking a bite.
the flavors melt on your tongue, and you release a contented hum, taking another bite. hyun-ho chuckles softly at your delight.
"good?"
"amazing. hey, you've been holding back on me, haven't you? keeping this place all to yourself."
the boy shrugs lightly in response, "just haven't found a good opportunity to take you out for food."
you frown, setting down your spoon and folding your arms neatly on the table. you lean forward, glaring at him playfully, "hey, i'm the one that paid. if anything, i'm the one treating you."
hyun-ho stares at you for a moment before smiling softly, "then let's have a meal together again."
you grin while nodding your head, picking up your spoon once more, "sure. let's have dong-hyun tag along too. he seemed a little disappointed he couldn't come today, and i wanna congratulate him on his win as well."
"wow, him again?" hyun-ho narrows his eyes at you. he lifts up his spoon, shaking the utensil in your direction in an accusatory manner, "i'm starting to think you like him better than me."
"only partially true. he's nicer to me. and," you pointedly stare at him, mimicking his accusing tone, "he didn't pick on me in elementary school."
the boy lets out a huff, "come on, i thought you were over that."
"i'm still bitter about my crayons. they were new you know."
hyun-ho stares down into his bowl, distractedly moving the contents of his food with his spoon. his voice comes out softer this time, holding just the slightest note of vulnerability, as if his next words would be something more honest, even to himself, "i just wanted your attention."
you blink in his direction, feeling slightly confused by his response. usually, whenever you mentioned your little quarrel back in elementary school, hyun-ho's answer was always the same. because you were fun to mess with. because you had the prettiest crayons. because we were dumb kids. never because he felt the need to gain your consideration, "well, you have it now."
hyun-ho looks up, considering you for a moment. his eyes scan your face in search of something, and you shift slightly in your seat, unsure of how to behave under his scrutiny, "do i?"
once again, you're left dumbfounded, not knowing how to respond. for some reason, this hyun-ho feels different than the one you grew up with, the one branded in your memory. is it because it's been so long since you've last seen him that you've forgotten how he normally behaves? is it this interaction specifically, which has never happened before? or are things in the past changing, hyun-ho along with it?
you shake away the thoughts. you wouldn't let it worry you, at least not at this particular moment. for now, you wanted to enjoy a simple meal with your friend.
"just hurry up and eat your food." you laugh, and whatever abnormality regarding hyun-ho disappears as he grins in your direction and shoves another handful of soup into his mouth.
when you finish your meals, you find yourselves walking outside, the warmth of the sun a soft touch on your skin. pretty soon, summer would arrive, and with it, a sequence of events you felt both prepared for and uncertain of. your mind drifts back to kyung-jun. you haven't seen him since the school week ended, and you find yourself wondering about him. what is he doing? is he outside, just like you, enjoying the last bit of spring before it is gone?
hyun-ho abruptly stops, and the halt of his movements causes you to cease your own, turning towards him with a puzzled look. he turns towards you, nodding his head towards a small parlor several feet ahead, "let's get ice cream."
you stare at him in exasperation, "i already spent all my money buying you soup. i'm afraid to say it, but i'll go broke trying to sustain our friendship," it was an exaggeration, of course, but you planned on saving the rest of your allowance for your upcoming school trip.
"i'll pay this time. my treat." hyun-ho says.
"really?" you ask eagerly, wrapping your hands around the sleeve of his jacket and dragging him towards the ice cream shop before he can change his mind, "i want two scoops then. wait, no, three! all different flavors! don't go back on your word now!"
-
the music room at your high school typically goes unvisited. at some point in time, it became a storage room for clubs to dump their belongings in, and although it wasn't technically allowed, no one went through the trouble of cleaning it up. even you, the only person to frequent the quiet, crowded space, never put in the time to organize it. you could play just fine without putting in the effort of cleaning. and half the time you ended up sitting in the room by yourself anyways, needing a vacant space to be alone with your thoughts, a way to get away from the chaos of your life. instead of being a burden, the added items provided several places for you to hide, remaining unseen for those who entered.
so when you came back to this room, violin case in hand, you weren't expecting anyone to show up. the possibility never crossed your mind, even as you stepped towards your favorite spot off to the side, your figure hidden from the door by the stack of boxes piled towards the ceiling. not even as you crouched down, opened your case, and pulled your instrument out.
but the reality becomes very real when the quietness of the space gets interrupted by a loud bang. it revibrates throughout the entire room, the impact of the sound shaking the objects within, as if they trembled beneath the presence of the one who entered. you freeze, your body impossibly still as the door slams shut, and none other than ko kyung-jun appears in your vision.
he crosses the room, and you catch the way his hands are clenched tightly into fists, the way his eyes are fierce, dripping with anger, and his lips are curled into a sneer. his entire presence is coated in his acrimony, from the soles of his shoes to the wild mess of his hair. every part of kyung-jun reflects his frustration, as if the emotion is a fundamental part of his very being.
kyung-jun pauses for a moment, his chest rising and falling in quick succession, his temper rising and rising in a swift crescendo. he turns towards the nearest object, a chair, and kicks it, the force of his attack causing it to tip over and skid across the floor, "fuck! shit! those fucking bastards!" kyung-jun shouts, running a hand through his hair frustratingly. he continues his actions, grabbing objects within his reach and throwing them wherever he pleased. you watch the scene unfold before you, never moving, never making a sound, just observing kyung-jun as he releases his anger in any way he can.
kyung-jun finally spots you just as he's about to throw a bottle of paint in your direction. his entire body freezes, and his eyes widen, your own face mirroring his expression. because now that kyung-jun faces you, now that his eyes lay upon your own, you spot the injuries across his body. his lip is cut open, the skin around it red and bruised, and he wears a similar injury on his right eye, like he got punched in the face. and his clothes aren't in disarray because of his earlier movements. there is dirt staining his dress shirt and pants, and the wrinkles on the fabric, the crumpled collar, appears as if he was grabbed and thrown around a couple times during the fight.
his limbs slowly grow lax the longer he stares at you, until he finally drops the bottle, the object rolling across the ground and landing at your feet. you stare at each other for a long time, and you think you should say something, maybe ask him what happened, or if he was okay, but your tongue refuses to move, and your words fail you, remaining defiant at the back of your throat.
finally, kyung-jun snaps out of his daze, hardening his expression as he releases another curse and turns to leave. the rush of his movements, his figure getting closer and closer to the door, away from you, finally pulls you away from your earlier shock.
"wait!" you call out, and the desperation in your tone, or maybe the fact that you spoke at all, is enough to make kyung-jun stop. he glances back, and you swallow thickly while forcing yourself to speak, "you can stay. i don't mind sharing the room as long as you don't mind me playing."
a puzzled look reflects in kyung-jun's character, and he considers you for a long time, scanning the planes of your face, his eyes narrowed slightly in suspicion. you keep your expression even, not allowing the rapid pounding of your heart to betray the nervousness you feel, even for a second. eventually, much to your relief and surprise, kyung-jun closes the door, slumping into a nearby chair with a harsh breath, "fine. as long as you don't play like shit."
you smile, disregarding kyung-jun's comment, because the fact remains that he chose to stay. quickly, before he can second guess himself, you stand up and pull over another chair, settling across from kyung-jun's figure. once you're seated, you pick up your violin, taking a deep breath, closing your eyes, and allow your heart and hands to guide you through the rhythm.
the soft strings of your violin are the only sounds in the quiet space. it's a slower melody, something calm, and you feel your muscles unwind and your limbs grow loose as you play the song. you can't see kyung-jun, for your eyes remain closed, but he stays in his spot, never shifting, and never breaking the chorus with his voice. you wonder what he looks like in that moment. you wonder if he's watching you, and a small part of you, barely legible, hopes that he is.
when the song ends, you lower your violin first, resting the instrument and the bow neatly in your lap, the weight of it a comforting thing. and then, you open your eyes, settling on the boy across from you. his own attention rests on your face, and something lingers in his eyes, something you can't explain, but he looks more relaxed than before.
"so? do i play like shit?" you ask, grinning in his direction.
kyung-jun laughs, the sound of it so soft it registers more like the release of a breath. he glances away, "you know better than anyone the answer to that question."
you let out your own chuckle, tucking your hair behind your ear as you look down at your instrument, "who knows. maybe i care about your opinion."
kyung-jun doesn't answer for a long while, just stares down at your lap, focused on the violin in your hands. he looks conflicted, like he wants to say something, and you wait patiently, never pushing for him to speak, just allowing him to decide on his own.
"that song, what was it?" he finally asks, and you smile gently, shrugging your shoulders simply.
"i don't know. i just made it up."
"seriously? just like that?"
"yes. i played what i felt."
kyung-jun squints at you, his eyes sharp and intense, a substitution for his confusion, "what the fuck does that mean?"
"i mean," you tap your fingers against your knee, doing your best to formulate what you wanted to say into a coherent string of sentences, "to me, different emotions have certain melodies. when i'm happy, i play something light and airy, like this." you replicate the sound, a sweet, gentle melody filling the space, "and when i'm angry, i play something like this." you demonstrate with more frantic movements, a harsh plucking of the strings, the sound bordering the line between a screech and a very high, harsh note.
kyung-jun takes in your words quietly, a thoughtful look befalling his expression. you lower your violin, placing it back on your lap while contemplating your next words.
"i can pretty much play any emotion as long as i've experienced it," you begin, gaining his attention once more, "i think as of right now, there's only one i don't know how to play."
"which is?"
you pause your movements, hesitating for a moment before breathing out the words in a single, quiet breath, "love."
though you've had crushes before, you don't think it's ever been deep enough to consider love. you've felt it intensely, sure, but no music accompanied your rapid heartbeats nor your blushing cheeks. you wished you could replicate it though. you've seen the sweet looks your parents used to share, the tenderness that surrounds jun-hee's and yoon-seo's every movement when they are together. and you've seen it in media, amongst movies and songs. but you could never feel it in your own chest, only imagine it.
"isn't that a bit cliche, even for you?" he retorts.
you shrug, "what can i say? i'm a romantic at heart. i like to think that one day i'll finally fall in love and i'll play that song as many times as i want, and you'll realize i was right all along."
"and what if you went deaf?"
the question catches you off guard, and you find your smile falling off your face, your eyes snapping to kyung-jun's. but unlike jin-ha's comment, kyung-jun's words don't strike you as cruel, and it doesn't leave you feeling ashamed of the future, of the fate you'll eventually face. instead, you consider it, replaying the past three years of your life when your hearing left you. and yes, you could never experience music in it's entirety, and it hurt you greatly, enough to make you so depressed you could barely leave bed, even considering the thought of ending your misery. but though you could never replicate the emotions in your chest, they were always there, lingering in different parts of your life. you saw it when you spotted children dancing in the street, their movements free and joyful, their expressions carefree, and you felt it each time you took the bus, feeling the steady rhythm of the vehicle moving, following the beat of a drum, a bass felt in your bones.
you think that even if you fail to prevent the crash, and your hearing still escapes you, it wouldn't be the end of the world. maybe for the time being, you should focus on this. living your high school days again peacefully, appreciating every moment you spend with kyung-jun. learning about him, bit by bit, until you know him better than yourself.
"i don't know," you say finally, leaning back in your seat as you stare at the ceiling in deep thought, "i think even if i couldn't hear, i could still feel it, see it. after being a musician for so long, i've learnt that it's not limited to just sound. music without feeling isn't music at all, so it should turn out fine even if i go deaf. i'll even play for you again, just to prove my point, even if it sounds like shit."
kyung-jun releases another laugh, this time more prominent, and the sound of it echoes in your ears, tickling the soft appendage. you smile, joining in his laughter, taking in the way his expression softens, and his anger fades away, leaving behind the real version of kyung-jun you have yet to know.
suddenly, the boy's face changes into that of pain, and he winces, ghosting his fingers over the cut on his lip. it's then that you remember the state that he's in, the bruises that are darkening, becoming more prominent on his face. you stand up, placing your instrument in its case, and walk over to the boy.
"stay here." you state firmly, your command earning you a scoff.
"what am i, some kind of dog?"
his snarky comment almost makes you laugh, but you hold it in, staying serious as you stare down into his face, "well, i'm going to the infirmary to get something, and then i'm going to come back. whether you stay or not depends on you."
kyung-jun grows quiet, and his silence allows you to rush out of the room, directing your steps to the infirmary. when you arrive, the nurse isn't there, so you help yourself to the needed supplies, gathering the items in your arms as you retrace your steps back to the music room. as you approach the closed door, you fear that when you open it, kyung-jun will be gone, and it will be the end of your exchange.
and yet, when you step inside, he sits in his chair, leaning back, his head tilted towards the ceiling, and it brings you a sort of relief. he stayed.
tentatively, you shift the items into one arm, pulling your chair closer so when you sit down, your knees brush against kyung-jun's. he eyes you skeptically as you pull out a q-tip and a small container, scooping up the clear, thick consistency at the end. you lift it towards kyung-jun's face, only to pause when he wraps his fingers around your wrist and leans his head back.
"what are you doing?"
you blink, dumbfounded, but you know you shouldn't be surprised. you didn't think it'd be this easy to get kyung-jun to comply, but it doesn't mean you're willing to give up so quickly, "it's ointment. it'll help your wound heal quicker."
he narrows his eyes at you, dragging his focus across your face in quick, rapid movements, his fingers tightening around your wrist. when he speaks, his tone is coated in suspicion, "why are you doing this?"
"because i want to," you reply simply, stating the truth. you peer up at him, mirroring his skepticism in a playful manner, "what? don't think i'll do a good job? you can do it on your own then if you don't trust me."
his expression hardens, but he doesn't speak, just continues staring at you, a flicker of uncertainty shifting across his face. it takes several seconds for him to come to a decision, and for a moment, you think he'll push you away, refusing your help once more. but instead, kyung-jun's resolve weakens as his grip loosens, his fingers slowly slipping away, his body leaning forward as he tilts his head in your direction. you realize the meaning behind his actions when he remains still, eyes boring into your own, his jaw clenched, but compliant nonetheless.
gently, you press the q-tip against the cut on his lip, being careful in your movements as you spread the ointment delicately across the wound. you worry that despite your caution, the motions will hurt kyung-jun, and you make sure you're acutely aware of every shift in his expression. but kyung-jun just stares at you, lazily tracking your movements, and if he is feeling any sort of pain, he doesn't outwardly reveal it. so you continue, leaning in closer, trying to ignore the way the warmth of his skin seeps into your own, the way his soft breaths tickle your cheek, the fact that if you dared to look into his eyes, you'd have to face the rapid pounding of your heart, so you never do.
when you finally finish, you lean back, clearing your throat as you place down the object, looking anywhere but his face. you find yourself staring at chest, the way his tie threatens to slip loose, and the dirt and blood still prominent on his clothes. his own hands shift, and you catch the movement, faltering when you see the bloody knuckles.
without a word, you reach into your pocket and pull out your handkerchief, which consists of music notes stitched across a cream white fabric. a gift from your grandmother when you were five years old. before he can properly react, you take kyung-jun's hands, gingerly pressing the soft material against his skin and wiping away the dirt and blood that coats it.
and surprisingly enough, kyung-jun lets you, never saying a word as you hold his rough, calloused hands within your own.
when you're done, you press your fingers delicately against the scraped skin, feeling relieved when no more blood is released. it would probably scab over by the next day, "thank goodness it's not any worse. did someone at school pick a fight with you?"
kyung-jun scoffs, and when you lift your eyes, you see a smirk resting lazily on his lips, "as if anyone here could beat me."
you don't point out the fact that there are plenty of people at school who could beat kyung-jun, hyun-ho being amongst them, but you bite your tongue, knowing the ongoing tension that hangs between them. it is probably for the best not to make it any worse, especially when he's let you in this far. maybe it was unrelated to your school then. perhaps from a different one? it's happened before, but kyung-jun has never looked this roughed up by a bunch of high school boys. a different thought enters your mind then, something that makes your heart pound inside your chest but for an entirely different reason. it couldn't be the gang, right? surely he isn't involved already.
"whoever it was, you should stay away from them. it'd be a shame if your pretty face got ruined." you add the last comment mainly as a joke, a reminder of your last conversation. but it has the opposite effect, and kyung-jun snatches his hands out of your own, his smile slipping away.
"stay out of my business. it doesn't concern you."
you feel an emotion clog in your throat, a feeling you can't name nor explain. all you can do is meet kyung-jun's sharp eyes, noting the way they waver, hiding something within.
'i want it to be my concern. i want to care for you, kyung-jun. i want to stay by your side so you'll never feel alone. why can't i be that for you?'
"don't look at me like that."
you lean back, his harsh tone echoing in your ears, "like what?"
he lifts up a hand, gesturing vaguely at your face, "like that."
your furrow your eyebrows in confusion, "i don't follow."
his frustration grows, and kyung-jun abruptly stands, his chair scraping across the floor. he stares down at you, his entire face twisted in anger, "do you pity me or something? do you think i need help? that you need to fix me?"
"what? no," you find yourself on your feet, pleading with him desperately so he doesn't misunderstand, "kyung-jun, i swear that is not what this is."
maybe at first that's what it felt like. guilt. an obligation to save kyung-jun's life when he had saved your own. but somewhere along the way, sometime during those tender, simple moments in his presence, you found that kyung-jun was different than you anticipated. he wasn't the bully you heard whispers about. there was more to him that he let on, than he allowed others to see. nowadays, when your eyes find his own, you see a boy who is hurting. who shoulders a heavy burden all alone.
"then why the fuck are you barging into my life acting like you care?"
'because you'll die if i don't.'
the statement repeats in your mind, resting on your tongue, the sound of it forming in the back of your throat. but you can't say that, and the thought strikes you as you look at him, feeling the ache in between your ribs when the memory of kyung-jun's funeral enters your mind.
you're scared to lose him. more than anything, more than your hearing. you don't know why or how, but it's true. a fact embedded into your mind, more real than this entire fantasy you found yourself within.
"i want to be your friend."
kyung-jun recoils, appearing as if he's been slapped in the face by your words, "what?"
"you heard me," you step closer, grabbing his hand and placing your handkerchief in the palm of it, "i want to be your friend. starting here, right now, with this."
his attention shifts down to the fabric in his hands, a disbelieving laugh escaping through his lips, "you're crazy."
"why is that so hard to believe? you think i need to pity you to want to be your friend? that i need to feel sorry for you? well i don't. i just want it, plain and simple."
kyung-jun studies you for a moment, his eyes shifting between your own, searching for a hint of a lie, a slip in the truth. but he will never find it, and he must realize this fact as his jaw tightens, his fingers curling around the handkerchief until his knuckles turn white. he releases a curse beneath his breath, running his fingers through his hair, hesitating for a moment, unable to decide between the two paths in his mind. he catches your eyes once more, and for a moment, you see his anger wavering, the walls of his resolve cracking beneath your consideration.
but of course, it is never that easy, and kyung-jun guards his expression and fixes the cracks before they can crumble.
he storms out of the room with another low curse, and the sight of him as he disappears, unable to do anything but watch him, it hurts. it hurts so much, much deeper than you expected, that you can't help the emotion building in the corners of your vision. why do you always have to watch kyung-jun from behind? why do you always have to watch him leave?
just once, you want to stand by his side wherever he goes.
Notes:
next chapter is the last chapter of the spring arc and im sosososos excited to start the summer arc a lotttt of things happen and i think you guys will really like it (especially 'cause the vibes are just immaculate) anyways sorry for making kyung-jun a little bitch this chapter just give him some time he has trust issues HAHAHAH as always comments are appreciated (pls i just need ppl to rant with im boredddddd and i wanna hear your theoriesssss) anyways i love you guys and see you either in two days or next week lol
Chapter 6: five
Notes:
AHAHAHAH i spent like the entire day writing this and it came out a little later than i intended but yk me im a perfectionist and i edit drafts like 10 times before im happy with it. anyways enjoyyyyy ya'll won't get to see me for another week cuz i got midterms LOLOL
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
ONE YEAR BEFORE THE ACCIDENT.
MARCH - MAY
at times, there's a sort of comfort to be found in the silence.
sound is present, of course, though much softer than you're used to. the scratch of a pencil against paper. the rustle of clothing when someone shifts in their position. the sound of a page being turned, or a quick, frustrated breath released from one's lips. but there are no words said, just barely, and the familiar noises of a typical south korean study room fills the majority of your afternoon and night.
what really brings you comfort is the sight of your friends. jung-won works diligently at her desk, her eyes trained on her notebook with an intensity you recognize as determination. her glasses slip down the slope of her nose, and her hair, though short, manages to obscure her face when she leans forward just a bit too much. but her expression remains unchanged, and there's a sort of stability in her appearance, as if her presence cannot be altered by external factors.
from beside her, yoon-seo is slightly more animated. she constantly changes her position every couple of minutes, and her face betrays her emotions regarding the study material present in her notebook. when a question is particularly difficult, she worries insistently at her bottom lip, and her eyebrows scrunch together in confusion, her pencil tapping against her temple in deep thought. on the other hand, when she's able to work through a problem more quickly, the ghost of a smile curls her lips, and she'll straighten her posture, her pencil moving rapidly across the paper and never ceasing until she is done.
at the beginning, you tried to focus on your own work, but that task proved difficult when your thoughts tended to wander away from math, straying towards a certain scene in your memory instead. each time you recall the events that happened, your heart sinks, and an ache, something small but prominent within your body, served as a reminder of the hurt you felt when kyung-jun left the room. you retrace your steps, trying to find a turning point in the conversation that made him pull away. an error in your words, or perhaps a certain action that sparked the chain of events spiraling towards failure, but nothing ever comes to mind, and it leaves you feeling dumbfounded over the entire exchange.
you hear a soft tapping noise against your desk, the sudden sound causing you to pull away from your thoughts and lift up your eyes. across from you, yoon-seo stares at you worriedly, her features painted with the same emotion, a frown present on her lips. she stops the motion, but her pencil still rests on your side of the table, her hand outstretched like a reminder that if you needed to take it, it was there.
"what's with the long face?" she asks softly, her tone barely above a whisper and coated with her gentleness, "did something happen?"
"what do you mean?"
"she's right," jung-won pipes in from beside her, finally dropping her own writing utensil and settling her attention on you, "you look like a kicked puppy in the rain."
the image forms in your mind, and it's enough to make a soft breath leave your lips, bordering between a sigh and a laugh. you rest your cheek in the palm of your hand, fiddling with the edge of your paper as you consider the question. it's obviously been bothering you enough to make your friends notice, and after the last time they grew worried over your distant pondering, you wanted to make more of an effort to confide in them when needed. it wouldn't hurt to be honest, right? even if jung-won and yoon-seo don't like kyung-jun, maybe you could convince them that he's not the person they think he is. maybe they could even help you.
coming to a decision, you begin to speak, filling the quiet space with your internal dilemma, "well, lately i've been trying to get closer to someone, and i thought i was making progress. but every time i feel like he lets me in, he suddenly pushes me away."
yoon-seo's expression softens, and she gives you a knowing smile, like she knows exactly who you're talking about. she leans forward, rubbing your shoulder in a soothing manner, "he's probably just scared or nervous around you."
"do you really think so?" you mumble, a little unsure. you recall kyung-jun's face, trying to catch any of the mentioned emotions. you do remember a bit of hesitancy in his expression, and his reluctance to accept your help could be blamed on being scared. but it still doesn't answer your question as to why. what is he so afraid of? is it you in particular, or something else?
"just give it time. he probably has his reasons." jung-won agrees, and you feel sort of relieved by the conclusive tone of her voice. it makes you feel like everything will be okay, and slowly, the pieces will eventually fall into place.
"i know. i just hope kyung-jun comes around soon. why does he have to be so stubborn?" you sigh, not noticing the shock written onto both of your friends faces until several seconds later.
"kyung-jun?" yoon-seo repeats, and you blink in confusion, switching your attention between both girls. yoon-seo's puzzlement is the most prominent, her eyes impossibly wide, her mouth parted slightly in surprise. jung-won, on the other hand, narrows her eyes at you, a frown pulling at her lips, her bewilderment more on the suspicious side.
"yes?" you reply, suddenly getting hit with the feeling that something was off, and you were missing a very crucial detail, "why do you guys look so confused?"
"i thought we we're talking about hyun-ho." yoon-seo answers.
the feeling grows, "why would we be talking about hyun-ho?"
"because he's the guy you like?"
yoon-seo's words sink in far quicker than you initially thought they would, and the result is immediate. your expression mirrors her earlier shock, and you slap your hand against your mouth, all the pieces falling into place rapidly, one after the other. the picture is clearer now, and it is almost laughable how obvious it was from the beginning, making you feel a mixture of embarrassment and stupidity for not realizing it sooner. but can you really be blamed? the most crucial detail is something you hadn't thought of in years.
the fact that during high school, you had a crush on jang hyun-ho.
back then, your feelings for hyun-ho were quieter. even after being friends for so long, you didn't develop a crush until high school started, and you never made any grand attempts to showcase them either. for you, it was enough to simply remain by his side, even if it meant watching him from afar. you believe there was only one time you tried to confess, but ultimately it failed, and after your accident, all romantic feelings towards hyun-ho were pushed aside, eventually fading into nothing.
but maybe you were more lovesick during those years than you initially realized. it would explain your friends recent strange behavior each time hyun-ho was around. their attempts to get you alone, or their teasing remarks whenever something remotely exciting would happen. you feel heat creep up onto your cheeks at the thought.
'hyun-ho hasn't noticed, right?' you think if he has, you wouldn't be able to face him. despite not harboring any romantic feelings for him anymore, if he ever finds out that you did, you'd never hear the end of it.
"right. hyun-ho." you straighten in your seat, clearing your throat, "i've decided it's best that we remain friends. so you guys don't have to go through the trouble of setting us up anymore."
this time, jung-won speaks, and her shock is finally apparent, a clear sign on her face, "seriously? but you've liked him since first year. what happened?"
"nothing. i just want him to focus on his career. and besides, there's no way he returns my feelings, so i'm just saving myself the hurt in advance."
both your friends share a glance, looking unconvinced by your reasoning, but they don't press the issue any further. even though you feel a little bad about lying, since technically speaking, the you in the past definitely liked him at this time, it's easier if you remove that thought from their heads sooner rather than later to avoid any confusion.
"then what's this about kyung-jun?" jung-won asks, switching to a different topic.
"oh. that," you stare down at your paper, curling your fingers around the edge of your skirt, a nervous habit of yours since you were younger. but you don't know why you feel nervous, or why a smile forms on your face when you recall the image of kyung-jun in your mind, "i want to be his friend."
"friends? with kyung-jun? why?" jung-won asks, and you shrug lightly in response.
"i just do," you can't explain the real reason, especially given the fact that it wouldn't make much sense, at least not right now. but you promised yourself that you'd explain everything to your friends when the time came. they deserved that much, even if they don't believe you.
jung-won leans forward in her seat, "are you forgetting that he's a bully? he made ju-won late to school for a week because he had him running petty little errands. and don't even get me started on da-bum," jung-won persists, her tone turning slightly harsh as she speaks. when she realizes this fact, she pauses, softening her expression and breathing out a long sigh, "look, i know you think being his friend is going to change him, but a person like that doesn't care about being good. he's only going to hurt you."
for some reason, jung-won's words causes your heart to squeeze painfully inside your chest, threatening to sink down into your stomach. you know she means well. her logical thinking is a way of looking out for you and your feelings. but it doesn't stop the resentment you feel, a part of you wanting to defend kyung-jun even if he never asked for it, even if he wasn't present.
"i think you're wrong jung-won. i think kyung-jun does care. he just needs someone to care in return."
jung-won purses her lips, but she doesn't say another word, simply staring at you with a sad expression on her face. yoon-seo doesn't speak either, but she fiddles with her pencil, appearing conflicted about the whole ordeal.
you release another sigh, pushing yourself up from your seat and gathering your things, "it's getting pretty late. i'm gonna head home now. i'll see you guys at school." you pull your bag over your shoulder, mustering up a small smile for your friends, and they return it, but they don't try to bring you back to the table, and you don't linger any longer than necessary.
-
during lunch the next day, you find yourself alone.
it's not for any particular reason. when you met up with jung-won and yoon-seo in the morning, the small conflict from the day prior was never brought up, and it didn't affect your relationship with the girls. you talked as if nothing happened, and your day went about the same as usual. long, boring lessons by the teachers, the usual jokes called across the classroom by heo-yool, the sunlight from the window warming the exposed skin from your uniform. but you could never shake off the thoughts surrounding kyung-jun. it persists in the back of your mind, a distraction and a reminder, causing your eyes to drift from the board to his seat on the far side of the room. of course, he rests his head against his desk, his eyes closed, slumbering peacefully, and you resist the temptation to keep your eyes there, if not to soothe the ache that returns each time you look away.
so when lunch time rolls around, you insist on being alone. luckily for you, yoon-seo and jung-won let you go without much protest other than a reassurance in the form of two long, warm hugs. perhaps they recognize the reason why, and for that, you're grateful. since then, you've been aimlessly wandering the hallways, a carton of mango flavored milk in your hands, barely touched. occasionally, you'd take a sip, but the sweetness resting on your tongue doesn't help lift your mood.
you think it's safe to say that you miss kyung-jun. since your encounter in the music room, you've only seen glimpses of him, and it's bizarre to think that despite not being friends, the lack of his presence in your life is a prominent one. it's hard to wrap your head around, let alone understand, and your directionless footsteps and wandering thoughts don't help either. if anything, it makes it all the more noticeable.
"yah! ko kyung-jun!"
you falter as you round the corner, freezing in your spot at both the familiar name and the sight that greets you. at the end of the hallway, two figures face one another, both male, a thick tension hanging in the air. the second year, a boy you don't recognize, clenches his fists against his sides, his face both angry and fearful, as if he regrets garnering kyung-jun's attention but is too prideful to back down.
kyung-jun, on the other hand, appears more relaxed, regarding the other student with little interest. if anything, he looks more annoyed about the fact that he's being bothered at all. he leans back against the wall, stuffing his hands in his pockets as his sharp eyes rest on the boy before him, "what?" he mutters.
"seung-bin," the boy chokes out, standing up straighter, lifting his head and setting his shoulders back to assume the confidence he clearly lacks, "he owes me money."
kyung-jun lets out a scoff, glancing away in disbelief, "so? talk to him about it. don't go bothering me about that idiot's debts."
the boy falters, his mouth agape as he struggles to come up with a response. when he continues to remain silent, kyung-jun pushes himself away from the wall, turning to leave, and you think it'll be the end of it. that a fight has successfully been avoided.
but something seems to take a hold of the second year. it could've been driven by a number of things. fear that if he didn't do something now, he'd never get his money back. frustration at kyung-jun's lack of interest, feeling belittled by the sight. maybe it was both. maybe it was neither. but some sort of intense emotion makes him march towards the other boy and shove him hard with both his hands.
kyung-jun, not expecting the motion, stumbles forward, but he's quick to catch his balance. he spins around, rage flickering across his face, the beginnings of his violence forming in his limbs as he tightens his fists, but it's interrupted when the second year lifts up his arm and punches kyung-jun in the face.
once more, kyung-jun stumbles back, his fingers ghosting over the spot, bewildered. the second year widens his eyes, blinking rapidly as he stares at his fist, as if he's just now realizing the weight of his actions. both boys look at each other, unmoving, and it's tranquil only for a second longer before it all unravels.
kyung-jun moves first, swiftly returning the punch, and the other boy lets out a pained yell when his fist connects with his stomach. he recoils, leaning forward slightly, and when another hit comes his way, this time he matches kyung-jun's energy with as much vigor. the hallway is filled with the sounds of cursing and pained grunts, each boy shoving and hitting each other in any way they could.
from where you stand, you watch it all unfold, unsure of what to do. should you call a teacher? break up the fight? kyung-jun's voice rattles in your ear, and you spot a trail of blood on his face after a particular strike. the sight of it, of the open wound on his lip, the same one you patched up yesterday, causes something shift inside of you.
your feet move on their own, shortening the distance between you and the ongoing fight. when you reach the two quarrelling boys, you lift up your arm, throwing the milk carton as hard as you can at the back of the second year's head.
as soon as the object hits him he stops, freezing at the feeling of cold milk running down his hair and staining his uniform. kyung-jun, who stands before him, pauses as well. he looks over his shoulder and meet your eyes, a mixture of confusion and surprise morphing his features at the sight of you. you breath heavily, lifting the corner of your mouth into a smile, causing kyung-jun to laugh in disbelief, his eyes bright.
the second year slowly turns his head to face you, his eyes dragging across your form as he takes you in, "did you just throw milk at me?" he mutters, a dangerous tone hidden in his voice. when you don't answer, his volume grows louder, making you jump, "yah! how am i supposed to clean this out?!"
"you should've thought about that before getting into a fight." you retort.
his expression hardens, and he turns around to face you fully, stepping closer, "the fuck did you say?"
"this fight is pointless. didn't you hear him? he has nothing to do with seung-bin's actions. don't go dragging him into your problems."
he stares at you, momentarily caught off guard before laughing in disbelief. then, it abruptly stops, the sound ceasing like a flame blown out. he curls his lips into a sneer, lifting up his hand as if to strike, "you fucking bitch-"
before he can move any further, kyung-jun shoves the boy away, the force of his action making his back hit the wall with a low grunt. once more, his frustration is directed to the boy who stands before you, as if to shield you from any more of his attacks. briefly, you feel touched by the gesture, a motion kyung-jun barely thought of before doing, like it was instinctual. but your tenderness is broken when the second year rushes forward, and kyung-jun has to lift up his arms to stop the boy from landing another blow. the both of them engage in a fight once more, stumbling across the hall, but this time, it's far more intense. you glance frantically between both boys as they throw punch after punch, racking your brain for another solution to prevent it from escalating any further.
without thinking more of it, you latch your hands around the sleeve of the second year's uniform, using all your strength to try and pull him away. at your disturbance, he passes you a glance, swearing as he tries to shove you off, "yah! let go! are you fucking crazy?!"
you tighten your grip, expending more of your strength, and as the struggle continues, his attempts become more forceful. paired with kyung-jun's continued hits, his attention is split between the two of you, doing his best to shove you off while dodging kyung-jun's attacks. it's precisely the reason why he doesn't pay much attention to the amount of strength he is using, nor where it ends up landing.
his elbow strikes you right in the nose, and for a moment, you feel disoriented, stumbling back, pressing your fingers against the appendage as you blink away the harsh sting and the tears building in the corners of your eyes. you must release a pained cry, because both boys stop fighting immediately, snapping their attention towards you. something warm drips onto your fingers, and hesitantly you lower your hands, faltering at the copious amount of blood that stains your palms. kyung-jun widens his eyes, staring at you in shock, and there's a flicker of worry creasing the space between his brows and pulling at his lips.
"hey! you three! what's going on?"
the sound of your teachers voice causes all of you to freeze, reluctantly turning your attention towards the end of the hall. your homeroom teacher widens his eyes when he sees the blood on your face, then drifts his focus to the two roughed up boys beside you, taking in their guilty expressions and avoidant eyes. slowly, realization dawns upon his face as he connects the dots in his brain, changing his confusion into that of fury.
"to the principal's office. now."
-
the silence in the room is suffocating, and with the handful of tissues pressed against your nose to stop the bleeding, it feels especially difficult to breathe. as you await the principal's arrival, the three of you sit in separate chairs in front of his desk, harboring different stances and emotions.
while the second year stares at the ground in shame, his hands clenched tightly around the fabric of his pants, kyung-jun leans back against his seat, working insistently at his jaw, his foot tapping restlessly against the floor. his eyes avoid your own, but they hold a hint of his usual feelings. anger, frustration, but something else, too. guilt. you're not sure why or how it arose, but it's there, hiding beneath his silence, concealed by his irritation.
when the door finally opens, there's no mistaking the way all three of you grow tense, flinching slightly at the sound of the principal crossing the room and settling in his chair. he regards all three of you carefully. first the second year, with a bit of disappointment, then you, with a hint of remorse, and finally kyung-jun, who bears the brunt of his scrutiny with the authority figure's contempt.
he lets out a long sigh, pressing his fingers against his forehead and massaging the tension filled muscles. finally, he lifts up his head, settling his eyes on your own with an apologetic smile.
"i apologize deeply for these boy's actions. i assure you, they will face the appropriate punishment for wrongfully getting you involved."
you lower the tissues, opening your mouth to protest, "well actually-"
"min-jun," the second year startles at the sound of his name, cautiously meeting the older man's gaze. the principal's expression hardens, but it's not as harsh as you would've assumed as he starts scolding the boy, "i expected better from you. you need to resolve disagreements in a peaceful manner, not through fighting, even if the other person starts the fight."
it is obvious what the underlying message in his words are, even if it isn't said out loud. the blame is already set, concluded without any sort of explanation from any one of you. and that simple fact, as if it's the most natural thing in the world, makes you angry.
"and kyung-jun." this time, the principal's words are sharp, cutting through the space like a knife. kyung-jun doesn't look up, keeping his eyes fixed on a random point in the room, but the tension in his bones deepens, "this is the second time this week. can't you make our lives easier and stop picking fights with the younger students? you even hit a girl this time. if you don't stop getting into trouble, i'll have no choice but to get your father involved."
at the mention of his father, kyung-jun's expression hardens. it's a subtle change, but you catch it nonetheless. it presents itself in the hard set of his eyes, the intensity growing, and the rhythm of his shoes colliding with the ground picks up speed. he plays it off with a harsh breath, a fake smile on his lips, like the thought doesn't actually bother him. but you know it does. it is so painstakingly obvious to you, and you can't believe that no one else has noticed. that no one else sees the hurt that he tries so hard to hide, and it hurts you in return that kyung-jun would rather take the blame than express any sort of vulnerability.
'why do you let them do this to you kyung-jun? why don't you speak up for yourself?'
unable to take it any longer, you push yourself to your feet, gaining the attention of the room, "sir! kyung-jun wasn't the one who hit me."
kyung-jun quickly lifts up his head, snapping his eyes to your own and staring at you incredulously. his eyes flit rapidly across your face, examining you carefully, his lips parted in surprise like he couldn't believe that you would challenge authority so boldly for his sake.
the principal slowly turns his attention to you, "what?"
"it was min-jun. i mean, it was an accident, of course," you lift up your hands, and they move about the air incoherently as you try your best to explain yourself, "you see, i was trying to stop the fight, and he accidentally hit my nose with his elbow. but it wasn't kyung-jun."
he lets your words sink in, switching his attention from you to min-jun, "is this true?" he asks the boy warily, to which he hangs his head in shame.
"yes sir. i'm sorry."
he appears taken aback by his response, sparing another glance at kyung-jun as if this is somehow his doing. but he eventually realizes the truth, and he sits back in his chair in deep contemplation, "well, okay. still, i can't ignore the fight itself. kyung-jun, you'll be suspended for the day. and min-jun, you'll have detention."
"that's not fair!" you protest suddenly, earning yet another bewildered look from the man behind the desk.
"excuse me?"
"sir, kyung-jun didn't start the fight. it was min-jun. i saw it. he hit him first, so the only reason kyung-jun fought back is because he was trying to defend himself."
once more, the principal stares at the boy in question, and he shrinks back against his seat under his scrutiny, "that's true as well..." min-jun mumbles guiltily.
the man lets out a sigh, shaking his head slightly, "well, if that's the case. min-jun, you'll be suspended for the day, and kyung-jun will have detention."
you let out your own sigh of relief, and the man waves his hand to usher you all away, concluding the end of the conversation. without wasting another moment, kyung-jun gets up from his chair and exits the room, his sudden departure surprising the entire room. you quickly bow towards the principal and discard the tissues in a nearby trashcan, running down the hall to catch up to him.
"kyung-jun, wait-"
kyung-jun spins back around so quickly you have to step back to avoid bumping into him, "why did you do that?"
you stare at him for a moment, unsure as to what he was referring to, but you quickly realize he's talking about what occurred in the principal's office, "it was wrong of him to assume you started it without knowing what happened. i mean, he didn't even ask!"
kyung-jun lets out a harsh breath, "what does it matter? i usually start the fights anyways. it hardly makes a difference to them."
"but you didn't. and i'm tired of people assuming the worse of you when they don't even know you."
kyung-jun scowls, "don't act like you know me either. why can't you just stay out of it?"
"why can't you have some self respect?" you bite back, feeling your own irritation bubble beneath your skin, making your face hot and your hands to move wildly in the air, "i mean, just look at you kyung-jun. aren't you tired? do you really want to be stuck living your life labeled as a bully?"
for a moment, something in kyung-jun's eyes waver, an emotion that looks eerily similar to guilt. but he replaces it with his anger, discarding it without consideration as he takes a step forward and peers down at your face with a sneer, "it's better than pretending to be all self righteous just to feel better about my life."
his words leave a bitter taste in your mouth, and you never realized it until then, how cruel he could be. never before have you ever been the target of kyung-jun's spiteful actions, and it hurts far worse than you could've imagined. because kyung-jun doesn't even mean it. he's saying it to protect himself, to push you away, and for what? to avoid getting too close? to protect himself?
it's not like you to give up so easily, nor to let your anger get the best of you. but the hurt is too much to bear, and you can't stop yourself from taking kyung-jun's bitterness and spitting it from your mouth, "you're a coward ko kyung-jun."
kyung-jun is taken aback by your response, pausing for a brief moment, appearing uncertain for a split second. you feel your throat go dry, your words hanging in the air, but you can't take them back, even if you wanted to. despite yourself, a tear slips down your face, and you hastily wipe it away, feeling your frustration hit you in full force. this time, you're the one to spin on your heels and start walking down the hall, your back turned to the boy who watches you leave. when you turn the corner, disappearing, kyung-jun doesn't say a word, and he doesn't follow after you either.
-
ko kyung-jun is excellent at avoiding his problems.
when he was younger, he used to pretend his issues didn't exist by busying himself with other tasks. before his mom died, he'd ride his bike around the neighborhood until he was too exhausted to even think, laying on the cold grass as he'd focus all his attention on catching his breath. an even better outcome was falling asleep from the consumption of energy, for it's difficult to face his problems when he isn't even conscious.
but after her death, it wasn't enough anymore. no matter how much he tried to run away from the pain of losing his mother, not even exhaustion was enough to take away the numbness that overcame his body, the ache that persisted even in his sleep. it wasn't until one day at school, when some kid picked a fight and kyung-jun stood over his crying form, taking in his bloody nose and feeling the distant pain in his knuckles, did he finally feel something other than nothing.
pain wasn't a great distraction, but focusing on it, causing it to others, it made his own suffering feel less intense. he recognizes vaguely in the back of his mind that what he's doing is less than praiseworthy, but he avoids that issue as well. what did it matter if he was a bad person? his mother was gone, his father both emotionally and physically absent, and his brother loves to pretend as if he didn't exist. no one really cared that what he was doing was wrong, and even if they did, it was all for pretend. he decided early on that it was better that way. if he doesn't let people in his life, it won't hurt him when they eventually leave.
da-bum's face as he kneels on the floor, taking the brunt of his frustration, should've made him feel better. it always had. whenever his face visibly expressed his fear, a clearly pitiful sight, kyung-jun felt in control of his emotions. so this time shouldn't have been any different. this time, when kyung-jun grips the back of da-bum's hair and pulls a pained cry from his throat, he shouldn't feel any worse than he already does. if anything, when the milk carton he previously opened gets dumped onto his head, trailing down his face and dripping onto the floor, kyung-jun should feel elated by the shame that crawls across his features.
but all he can think about is you. the way you looked when his words slapped you in the face, transforming from determination to clear, unfiltered hurt. you were the last person he wanted to cause pain to. but the way you looked at him in that hallway, staring at him as if you saw through all his defenses, you'd pulled out the root of his problems, forcing him to see, and kyung-jun's instinct was to do what he did best. create hurt greater than his own. a foul proof way to run away from his problems.
you're a coward.
"fuck!" he shouts, releasing da-bum as he turns and throws the empty carton across the room. the sound of it clattering to the ground paired with his frustrated yell breaks seung-bin and jin-ha's laughter, causing the room to grow silent save for kyung-jun's rapid breathing.
coward? coward? so what if he's a coward? why does it matter to you? why do you care if he's constantly running from his problems so he doesn't have to face the person he's become?
jin-ha shifts uncomfortably in his spot, and seung-bin stares at him in bafflement, "dude. are you-"
"get out."
seung-bin pauses at the sharp tone of his voice, not registering the words as he blinks once, "what?"
"do i need to repeat myself?" kyung-jun shouts, tipping his head towards the door, "all of you, out."
seung-bin and jin-ha share a look, but they don't question it further as they flee the room, shoving each other as they walk. da-bum remains in his spot, trembling on the floor, the milk still plastered to his face. his hands clench tightly against his lap, and he avoids kyung-jun's eyes as much as he can.
kyung-jun lets out a harsh breath, shoving the boy on the shoulder, "you too. leave."
da-bum snaps his head up, watching him like he isn't sure if he heard his demand correctly. when he still doesn't say a word, he hesitantly gets to his feet, slowly brushing past kyung-jun. and when he realizes it's not a trick, he moves more quickly, rushing out the door and leaving him alone.
kyung-jun leans against the wall, running his fingers through his hair as he takes in several deep breaths. when he's calmed down, he reaches into his pocket, but instead of pulling out his pack of cigarettes, a different object lays in his hand. a handkerchief with stitched music notes.
he presses his fingers against the soft material, unable to help the image that forms in his mind. your eyes trained on his lips, your gentleness as you pressed against his wound, caring for him in a way he wasn't used to. it both puzzles and frustrates him. how persistent you've been lately in gaining his attention, offering friendship. friends. are you naive or something? asking for something so simple like it's nothing. like it wouldn't cost him everything to lay down his walls and let you in.
but kyung-jun looks back down at the handkerchief, recalls how easy it was to talk to you. to spend time with you without any expectation of needing anything in return. it's so simple, kyung-jun feels as if he doesn't deserve it. is he really allowed to feel that way? to smile and laugh simply because he can?
'is it really okay for me to be happy?'
-
the rest of the week passes by in a blur. between attending school, practicing your violin and going out to eat with your friends, you barely had any time to really think about what happened days prior. perhaps it's best that way. while a part of you wishes to seek kyung-jun out, maybe even apologize for your harsh words, you never find it in yourself to do so.
at the end of the school day, you walk alone, yoon-seo and jung-won having stayed behind for cleaning duty. as you approach the gates, you stare at your shoes, curling and uncurling your fingers around the straps of your bag, lost in thought. the sun beats down with a harsh intensity, causing you to squint against the bright glow and shift uncomfortably in your clothes at the newfound warmth. you should get home quickly so you can wash up and change. maybe if you are lucky, your mom will let you sit in front of the fan and take a nap.
just as you leave through the gates and turn the corner, the sight of someone leaning against the wall startles you. not because the sudden sight of them was unexpected, but because of who stands there.
ko kyung-jun lifts his eyes at your arrival, and it's clear that he was waiting for you, a fact that confuses you greatly. but it's obvious in the way he straightens, how he regards you with slight hesitation, not a hint of his frustration from your previous encounter evident in his figure. if anything, he looks a little awkward standing there, as if he was forced to show up, but now that he's here, he's unsure of how to behave.
"hi." you mumble awkwardly, feeling just as uncertain. while you are still a little hurt over your disagreement, being in kyung-jun's presence washes away a majority of your pent up frustration. instead, you feel relieved. when you study his face, searching for an indicator that would tell you his reason for being here, you find that kyung-jun appears more calm than before. his wounds have healed, and he doesn't look tormented by your own presence, so that's always a good sign. but it still doesn't answer your question as to why he's suddenly shown up days after your last conversation.
kyung-jun nods his head down the path, an indicator for you to follow, "come on. let's go."
"huh? go where?" you ask, dumbfounded.
"to the convenience store. i owe you a drink."
you blink once, feeling confused as to which instance he was referring to. was it the fight with the second year? when you threw your milk carton at his head? but kyung-jun shouldn't have felt obligated to return the favor. it's not like he was the one who wasted a perfectly good drink. then you remember your encounter at the vending machine. when he'd stolen your drink after you failed to come to a decision as to what you wanted. the realization makes the answer to his sudden appearance all the more clearer, and it's so simple that it almost makes you laugh. it may not be an apology, but it's clear that he regrets lashing out at you, and he's using something like a petty debt as an excuse to talk to you.
it's sort of cute, when he doesn't know what to do with himself, lacking his usual confidence.
without another word, you follow him to the convenience store, pausing in front of the drink display at the back of the store. kyung-jun doesn't move, simply staring at you as he waits for you to make a decision. you quickly scan the options, roaming across a variety of juices and sodas, before reaching forward and grabbing the mango flavored milk carton.
kyung-jun lifts an eyebrow at your choice, and you smile sheepishly, holding it up, "it's my favorite."
at the sight of your smile, kyung-jun quickly glances away, plucking the container out of your hands and placing it down on the counter to pay. you don't question his behavior as you retrieve it shortly after the purchase has been made, curling your fingers around the drink protectively as you leave the store.
you find yourselves walking down the road, side by side, never discussing where you were going next or why you were walking together at all. you sneak several glances at the boy beside you, noticing how he seems to avoid meeting your eyes, keeping his attention trained ahead. he has yet to shake off his hesitancy though, making you assume that he wanted to say something, but he was struggling to put the words together. so you decide to speak instead, wanting to get rid of the weight pressing down on your chest.
"kyung-jun," you begin, causing the boy to glance at you. you stare down at your hands, your words coming out quiet as you fiddle with the container in your hand, "i'm sorry for calling you a coward. it was mean of me, and i didn't want to hurt you."
kyung-jun is quiet for a long time, and you think it'll be the end of it. that this whole ordeal would finally end, and your ties will be severed forever, despite how hard you tried to keep it together. but his voice breaks the silence, and there's an amused note hidden in his tone as he shrugs lightly, "i'll let it slide just this once, since we're friends and all."
at his words, you snap your head up so quickly you get whiplash, staring at kyung-jun in shock. did you hear that correctly? kyung-jun considers the two of you friends? it wasn't a joke, right? you search his face, and while he does allow a smile to curl his lips, it is not out of mockery.
"you mean that?" you breathe out, stepping closer. for a moment, kyung-jun widens his eyes, appearing uncertain by your proximity, "you want to be friends? you can't take it back you know. it'll hurt my feelings."
he clears his throat, rolling his eyes as he lightly pushes you away, "i know. you think i'd say that after all your pestering if i wasn't serious?"
you find yourself laughing despite his snarky retort, unable to help the warmth that forms in your chest and spreads across your face. he stares at you for a moment, taken aback by your sudden joy, but he slowly lets his own smile form, shaking his head as he starts walking once more.
for a second, you watch him walk away, rooted to your spot, memorizing the shape he takes in this world. the even strides of his steps, his tall frame and his relaxed posture. you glance down at the bracelet on your wrist, brushing your fingers against the tightly woven strings, feeling giddy as you glance back up. this time, rather than getting left behind, you fall into step beside him, and kyung-jun doesn't push you away.
Notes:
SPRING HAS ENDED. KYUNG-JUN IS FINALLY FRIENDS WITH READER. LIFE IS GOOD HAHAHAAHH
also yes ik kyung-jun was a little jerk this chapter and last but he has TRAUMA and i hoped his little pov would better explain his actions. i love writing his pov it's so fun.
the next arc won't start until next week, but i will be posting a sneak peek of the summer arc a little earlier. it'll be similar to the spring chapter which has a bunch of photos and a little excerpt just to tell you the vibe of the story. I CAN'T WAITTTTT TO SHARE IT WITH YOU GUYS AND THANK YOU THANK YOU FOR THE SUPPORT i'm having a lot of fun writing this story so far. see you guys next week!!
Chapter 7: summer
Chapter Text
(n.) the epitome of youth. a season of precious moments forever embedded into one's memory, looked upon often with a tender smile. it can be felt in the crash of waves against the shore, the sound of laughter in the air, a pounding heartbeat within one's chest. there's a rhythm in the way it beats, and a shift occurs at the sight of curled lips and dark eyes, transforming into something akin to love.
Notes:
let's play a game where we guess what's gonna happen in the story based on the photos (and where some of these photos are from heheheheh)
Chapter 8: six
Chapter Text
9 MONTHS BEFORE THE ACCIDENT.
JUNE - AUGUST
the beginning of summer brings about a prominent change. a fundamental shift in the universe, barely noticed, but impactful nonetheless. not just in the atmosphere, but within yourself as well.
in the mornings, the cicadas chirp insistently from beyond your window, the notes of their melody long and drawn out, constantly tickling your ears with the song of their call. the weather grows warmer, hot enough to require the constant drone of your fan, a buzzing noise that plays in the background of your daily life. and as the sun rises, large and bright, a striking star in the sky, you find yourself adjusting to the slightly uncomfortable heat, pulling your hair into a ponytail and shedding your sweater vest and blazer when the humidity causes sweat to form along your skin.
as for the qualities of your character, you find yourself expressing your joy more vividly than before. instead of groaning in protest at the sound of your alarm, you jump out of bed immediately, not wasting a second as you pull the curtains open and slide into your slippers. as you wash up for school, a soft tune is pulled from your throat, blending with the rushing water from the facet and the rustle of your clothes as you move. and when you sit at the breakfast table with your mother, you eat with a smile plastered on your face, shifting excitedly in your seat.
"someone's in a good mood today. are things going well at school?" your mother muses, setting down another plate of food before joining you at the table. this time, it's a steaming plate of bulgogi, and you eagerly help yourself to a serving.
"school's been great. we have our senior trip coming up, so i'm pretty excited about that. plus we have summer break in a month."
"and?" your mother asks expectantly.
"and what?" you laugh, slightly confused.
your mother shoots you a knowing look, shaking her head softly, "you're my daughter. i know you as well as i know myself. there's something else isn't there? or perhaps someone?"
heat creeps up onto your face, and you find yourself glancing down into your plate, trying and failing to hide the shy smile that stretches across your lips, "i made a new friend."
"oh? what's her name?"
"his name is kyung-jun."
"a boy?" your mother confirms, an emotion akin to delight shining in her eyes as she grins widely at you. the warmth on your face intensifies, burning hot, and you suddenly feel embarrassed by the underlying message hidden in her tone.
"mom, it's not like that. we're just friends." you protest, your nervousness increasing when she simply laughs at the defensive note in your voice. you halfheartedly glare at her, and when that doesn't deter her pestering, you aggressively pick up a handful of food and shove it in your mouth.
"i'm just teasing you. you said the same thing about hyun-ho after all, and now you're head over heels for him."
you choke on your food, surprised by the comment. was your crush really so obvious that even your mother noticed? you quickly swallow it all down, your coughs rattling your chest as you reach for your cup of water and wash away the feeling. when the pain subsides, you stare at your mom, hoping she recognizes the seriousness in your tone as you speak, "i don't like him anymore."
"what?" your mother's smile slips away from her face. she leans forward, her eyes creased with worry, "did you two fight?"
"no! i just lost feelings, that's all. it's not a big deal." you mumble, avoiding her eyes as you pick at your food once more.
your mother stares at you for a moment, searching your face for confirmation before leaning back. she hums, an absent sort of sound, before resuming her previous action of eating her meal, "so, is this kyung-jun boy in your class?"
at the mention of your friend, your mood lifts, and you straighten your posture as you nod your head once, eagerly, "yup. we had class together last year too, but we never talked until recently."
"what's he like?"
you think for a moment, trying to find the right words to describe the boy. it's a difficult task, especially considering how perplexing kyung-jun could be. you think back to your last encounter, the moment kyung-jun finally laid down his walls long enough to let you in. you recall his smile, the way it softened the hard edges of his face, how his laugh echoes in your ears even to this point in time. it causes something to stir in your stomach, resting there indefinitely, fluttering against your ribcage. you ignore it in favor to speak, "a bit grumpy, but he's funny. really clever too."
the smile returns to your mother's face, "he sounds like fun. hey, why don't you bring him some of the cookies i made? as a little gift?" she stands up, walking to the kitchen and returning with a small bag of chocolate chip cookies. she places it down on the table, and you reach for the packaging, finding the little bears on the plastic pouch a cute touch. kyung-jun would definitely hate it.
"thank you! i'll give this to him today."
you finish your meal, and after putting the bag of cookies into your backpack and bidding your mother farewell, you tug on your shoes and exit through the door. thankfully, the winter uniform is no longer required, so the heat of the sun feels less intense as you walk the path to your bus stop. as you pass through your neighborhood, you spot other kids from different schools walking in different directions, laughing and chatting about everything and nothing.
when you reach the bus stop, the vehicle just barely arrives, and you quicken your steps to join the line of students trying to enter at the same time. you greet the bus driver, scanning your card and searching the crowded space for a spot to stand. as your eyes wander, they catch onto a boy wearing your school uniform, and a warmth settles in your chest when you recognize the gelled back hair and silver earrings. one of his hands reaches up to hold onto the handles, while the other holds his phone, scrolling through the device.
"kyung-jun!" at the sound of your voice, the boy lifts his head, scanning the space before settling his attention on you. when his eyes meet your own and the recognition registers in his brain, surprise paints the surface of his face, a brief emotion that quickly gets replaced by a small, foxlike grin. you brush past the bodies in the bus, stopping right beside his own and lifting up your hand in a wave, "good morning! i had no idea you took this bus to school. how come we've never run into each other?"
kyung-jun shrugs, peering down at you, every portion of his features painted with his teasing nature, "maybe you've never noticed me."
you scoff, "no way. you're so tall you practically stick out like a sore thumb," to prove your point, you push yourself up to the tip of your toes, measuring your height difference by pressing your hand against his forehead and slowly bringing it to hover over your own head. kyung-jun follows the movement of your palm, tilting his head slightly in your direction, a chuckle being pulled from his chest. you settle back on your feet, inspecting him carefully, "oh, i know. it's 'cause you're late all the time."
the boy rolls his eyes, "i'm not always late."
"your attendance record says otherwise."
kyung-jun narrows his eyes at you, a slight frown forming on his lips, "are you this mean to all your friends?"
"just admit you came here early to see me and i'll be nicer," you tease, delighted by the scowl that replaces his frown. the more time you spend with kyung-jun, the more you realize how simple it is to annoy him. you find it quite funny seeing him all worked up, especially when his irritation is halfhearted at best, lacking his usual vigor. the cookies in your bag surface to the front of your mind, and you straighten, turning to face him fully, "oh! right! do you like sweets?"
all traces of his irritation are swiftly erased. kyung-jun considers your question for a moment before shrugging, "they're fine i guess."
"great! 'cause-"
the bus lurches to a stop, the abrupt movement causing your balance to falter. several surprised yelps erupt across the space, and you find yourself releasing your own disconcerting noise, gravity pulling you back. kyung-jun's eyes widen, realizing what will occur within the next split moment. but before you can fall, he reaches forward and latches his fingers around your forearm, halting your movements.
you blink slowly in surprise, and the two of you stare at one another for several long, silent seconds, time feeling as if it's been brought to an abrupt halt. his grip is firm yet gentle, the warmth of his fingers spreading across your skin, something electric buzzing within your blood.
you open your mouth to speak, only to get interrupted by the sound of the engine roaring to life. once again, the sudden movement causes you to lose your balance, only this time, it brings you in the opposite direction. you're yanked forward, body colliding with kyung-jun's own, pulling a surprised grunt from both your throats. the firmness of his presence, the warmth of his body, causes your stomach to twist unexpectedly, and it doesn't help that when you slowly lift your head, peering into kyung-jun's eyes, his face is mere inches from your own. you blink, registering the way his fingers slip away from your arm, and how his ears turn a dark shade of red, his adams apple shifting in his throat as he swallows thickly. you quickly step back, clearing your throat as you avert your eyes.
"sorry. i lost my balance," you let out a laugh to ease the awkwardness, "thanks for catching me. you have good reflexes."
kyung-jun doesn't say anything, and when you sneak a glance in his direction, his head is tilted away from your own, his attention fixated intensely on some random point outside the window. his ears have yet to return to their normal shade, and you stare at his face for a beat longer before turning away, focusing instead on preventing any more incidents.
you arrive at your stop shortly after, your school within view down the road. you follow kyung-jun's figure as he steps off the bus, easily falling into step beside him. he has yet to speak, and the awkward tension from earlier has yet to cease, suffocating the air. you decide to break it in the best way you can.
"hey, let's play a game."
kyung-jun falters slightly, turning towards you and staring at your hands, which forms a fist laid upon an open palm. his eyes narrow in confusion, and the corners of his mouth twitch into a disbelieving smile.
"rock paper scissors? what are we, five?" he questions sarcastically.
you roll your eyes at his snarky response, "come on. it'll be fun. and it's not a normal game of rock paper scissors. the winner gets a wish."
he lifts an eyebrow, "a wish?"
"yes! anything you want. now come on, play with me."
kyung-jun studies you for another moment before releasing a sigh, lifting up his hands and getting into position. you count down for the both of you, pressing your fist against the palm of your hand three times before unfurling your fingers. while your hand creates a flat gesture representing paper, kyung-jun's fist remains the same. you let out an excited cheer.
"ha! i win!" you quickly cover his fist with your hand, solidifying your victory before pulling away. you then shake your head at him disappointingly, "you know, you shouldn't be so obvious and pick rock."
he frowns, "what's that supposed to mean?"
"you just look like you pick rock every time you play. now, my wish." you pretend to think for a moment, tapping your finger against your chin. a mischievous grin works its way upon your lips when a thought forms in your mind, growing more prominent the more you consider it. you move quickly, slipping your bag off your shoulders and thrusting it into kyung-jun's chest, "you'll carry my bag to class."
kyung-jun catches your bag, releasing a scowl at the weight of the object, "i'm not carrying your shit."
"too bad. you should've picked scissors." kyung-jun takes a step forward, and you take a step back as a response, your smile widening at the frustrated breath he releases. he does it again, lifting up your bag, and you quickly turn around, taking off at a run.
"yah! where are you going?" kyung-jun yells, causing you to slow your steps and turn around, jogging backwards.
"we'll be late if you don't hurry up!" you shout back, laughing when kyung-jun lets out a curse. he hesitates for a moment, shifting on his feet, but he finally relents, gripping your bag more firmly as he runs after you.
you dash past the gate and several bewildered students, shouting the occasional apology when you almost run into someone along the way. from behind you, kyung-jun easily catches up, just several paces beyond your running form, the harsh impact of his feet hitting the ground a crash against the earth.
"what the fuck do you have in here? rocks?" kyung-jun breathes out, letting out another low curse. you tip your head back and laugh, pumping your legs faster than before.
when you finally make it to the front doors you skid to a stop, leaning forward and pressing your hands against your knees. you eagerly gulp down as much air as possible, pressing a hand against your chest and feeling the rapid pounding of your heart, the way your lungs constrict and expand to obtain oxygen. several seconds later, kyung-jun approaches, tossing your bag at your feet.
"if i knew being your friend meant becoming your errand boy," he begins, catching his breath, "i would've declined."
you laugh, leaning down and picking up your bag, "okay, stop whining you big baby. here," you unzip it, pulling out the plastic bag of sweets and holding them out in his direction, "some cookies as payment for your labor."
kyung-jun eyes the object warily, as if there was another trick hidden in your kind gesture. eventually, however, he relents, straightening his posture, letting a laugh slip through his teeth as he takes the cookies. as he does so, his fingers brush against your own, and you ignore the way it causes your heart to drop down into your stomach, and how the sound, however brief, is so light and airy it causes your own laughter to bubble to life.
you look at him then. kyung-jun may try to hide his amusement, but it's there, clear as the day, flickering across his face like waves across the shore. you want him to have more happy moments like this. to have summer days enjoying his youth, nothing but a simple boy living his life without a care in the world. to laugh and smile like it's the most natural thing in the world, because the way it forms on his face is nothing short of beautiful.
you pull your backpack over your shoulders, nudging kyung-jun along as you enter the building.
-
usually, the heat of summer doesn't get to you. although the days can get unbearably hot, you can withstand the heat as long as you aren't in it for extended periods of time. but as soon as you change into your gym uniform and hear the announcement from your teacher that all physical education activities have been moved outside, you start to feel a bit of resentment towards the season.
and the cherry on top? his idea of a warm-up is running laps around the field.
despite the collective groans that erupt from your classmates, he blows his whistle, and the high pitched screech makes all of you move your limbs to assume a light jog, complying despite your reluctance.
by the second lap, a thin layer of sweat has formed across your skin, sticking your hair to your temple. by the third lap, you're struggling to breathe, your movements more sluggish and painful. at that point, you're ready to give up, and as soon as you step past the mark indicating the end of the fourth lap, you collapse onto the ground. you lean back on your arms, tipping your head towards the sky as you catch your breath. yoon-seo follows right after, stretching her legs out on the ground as she fans her face with her hand.
"i'm starting to think our teacher hates us." you gasp out, reaching up and wiping the sweat from your forehead.
jung-won is the last to make it past the finish line, and she crumbles to the ground in a less than graceful manner, laying flat on her back, "i second that."
"why is it so hot?" yoon-seo complains, quickening the motion of her hands and fluttering her eyes shut when it brings a small breeze.
"it's south korea. the humidity levels make it miserable." jung-won breathily explains.
"i miss the cold. how long until autumn starts?" you whine, squeezing your own eyes shut. just as the thought is spoken out loud, something is pressed against the back of your neck, ice cold and so unexpected you can't help the scream of surprise you let out. your eyes snap open, and you lean forward, pressing your fingers against your skin as you meet the perpetrators eyes.
kyung-jun lets out a laugh at the sight of your bewildered expression, the corners of his lips stretched wide across his face, his eyes creased with his amusement. you can't find it in yourself to be annoyed at him, especially when he holds out the water bottle in your direction.
"take it. you look like you're dying."
you stare at the object, scoffing at kyung-jun's remark, but smiling nonetheless. you reach out and take it, popping the cap open, "we need to work on your compliments."
kyung-jun doesn't reply. he simply settles into the empty space beside you, copying your position of leaning back on his palms and using his free hand to fan his face with his shirt. his hair lays messily around his face, his cheeks slightly red from the heat, sweat sliding down his throat. he glances at you, and when he notices your staring, a smirk forms on his lips.
ever since kyung-jun has officially accepted the two of you as friends, his presence frequents your life more often. the two of you run into each other at the bus stop almost everyday, sometimes with yoon-seo and jung-won present. you'll never forget the shock on their faces the first time it happened. you distinctly remember them pulling you aside and bombarding you with questions, a hint of worry apparent in their words. but when you explained the newly formed friendship, it didn't take much more convincing for them to finally understand. though wary at first, they grew to accept it, noting the joy on your face each time he was around. how he seemed calmer in your presence, his anger reduced to nothing, a dying flame. eventually, they began making an effort to include him when the opportunity arose, and they never spared his arrival more than a single glance, realizing that the shift in their reality is something not easily changed.
"how are you going to do sports day if you can't even run a lap?" kyung-jun asks, taking the bottle from your hands and swinging it towards his lips for a sip.
"hey, don't forget who beat you in a race last week," you reply, snatching it back from his possession, "besides, it's the heat that's getting to me. couldn't we have ran inside?"
"the volleyball team is using it to practice." jung-won sighs, finally sitting up.
a frown pulls at your lips, "out of all the days of the week? do i just have bad luck?" you mumble quietly to yourself.
kyung-jun snickers, and you shove him on the shoulder with a playful roll of your eyes, earning you a scowl and a low curse. jung-won chuckles softly at the exchange, turning her attention towards yoon-seo.
"do you know when they'll talk about sports day? it's coming up, isn't it?"
"i think jun-hee is mentioning it later today." yoon-seo replies.
"remind me not to sign up for dodgeball again. i could barely stand after getting hit with the ball twenty times." you complain, shivering at the reminder. for some reason, you decided to sign up for the sport your last year of high school, wanting to do something fun and unexpected to commemorate your last sports day, but it turned out to be the worse out of the two you'd done so far. as you recall the event, you start to feel the ghost of an ache deep inside your muscles, a catch in your breath. you were sore for days afterwards, barely being able to get out of bed without feeling the tension in your body.
kyung-jun gives you a strange look, "are you not getting enough oxygen to your brain or something? you didn't do dodgeball last year."
"huh?" you blink, slowly realizing that kyung-jun is right. with the whole time travel thing, your days are starting to get mixed up. sometimes, you couldn't remember what happened recently and what occurred in the other timeline, "oh, you're right. i must have gotten it mixed up with something else."
"i'm surprised you remember that. i swear you were conveniently absent a majority of the day the last two years." jung-won says, eyeing the boy warily.
kyung-jun shrugs, "it gets fucking boring sitting around all day. and for your information, i played in the dodgeball event last year. i think i would've noticed if she was there."
jung-won's eyes flicker with newfound suspicion, regarding the boy carefully, but she doesn't say anything further. she glances away, tapping her fingers against her knee as she swiftly changes the subject, "i heard the relay race is the easiest. you only have to run for a short amount of time. after that it's up to your teammates."
you consider it for a moment, and the logistics make sense. it's better than long distance running. you did that your first year and promptly decided to never sign up for it again.
"what about you kyung-jun? do you know what event you want to do?" yoon-seo asks the boy, who blinks, caught off guard by the question. he quickly masks his surprise with a bored expression, shrugging his shoulders.
"don't know, haven't thought about it much. probably basketball."
"oh!" you speak suddenly, excitedly grabbing the sleeve of kyung-jun's shirt and shaking it lightly to get his attention, "we should do the three legged race together!"
"and fall on my face when you trip? no way." he protests, leaning back slightly, but he doesn't try to push you off.
"come on, it'll be fun! please?" you plead desperately, leaning in closer. kyung-jun hesitates for a moment, avoiding your eyes as he chews the inside of his cheek. you grin, knowing that he's about to give in, his resolve slowly unwavering.
"i'll race with you."
the sudden voice coming from behind pulls you away from kyung-jun's face, angling your body to face the newcomer.
"hyun-ho." you mumble in surprise, following his movements as he crouches down on the other side of you. his eyes settle on kyung-jun, and while his smile doesn't falter, it feels more forced than before, and his eyes narrow slightly in his direction.
kyung-jun, on the other hand, doesn't return his grin. instead, he clenches his jaw, his gaze intense, a flicker of annoyance crossing over his features. hyun-ho must take notice, for his smile widens, a soft chuckle leaving his lips.
hyun-ho turns towards you, "is this jerk bothering you again? should i teach him a lesson?" you open your mouth to speak, but hyun-ho's attention is already diverted back to the boy beside you, whose expression hardens as a response, "hey, don't you have better things to do? hang out with your own friends. stop getting her involved."
"kyung-jun is my friend." you speak suddenly, catching hyun-ho off guard. he snaps his attention to your face, a frown now upon his lips.
"what?" he asks in disbelief.
this time, kyung-jun is the one to grin in triumph. he leans in closer, tilting his head in mockery, "you heard her. what? you surprised?"
hyun-ho's eyes sharpen, tension evident across his entire body, especially in his facial features and the strained smile on his lips, "that she'd give you the time of day? absolutely."
they continue staring at one another, and you can feel it thickly in the air, the agitation coming from their bodies. it's practically suffocating, and when you look at yoon-seo and jung-won, they also appear uncomfortable by the silent quarrel.
you clap your hands, gaining their attention as you push yourself to your feet, "well, i think we should-"
"i'll do it with you."
you don't register kyung-jun's words at first, blinking at him slowly, "huh?"
"the stupid race. i'll do it." he repeats.
your lips part in surprise, staring down at him for several long, quiet moments. but kyung-jun is entirely serious, and there's a fierceness in his eyes, the corners of his lips twitching to form a smile. you slowly find yourself grinning at him in return, nodding at him enthusiastically, "okay! let's win a medal for our class."
kyung-jun's smile finally forms, creating a gentle, warm ache in the space between your ribs. he's been smiling a lot now lately, but the sight of it never fails to make you soften.
from beside you, hyun-ho watches the exchange, the frown on his lips deepening, but he doesn't say anything. he simply stares, and when he can't take it any longer, he pushes himself to his feet and calls out your name.
you turn to look at him, slightly confused by the tone of his voice. it's not exactly cold, but there's an underlying hint of urgency in it, an expectancy that pulls you towards him. but it's hard to decipher it completely, especially with the way he remains relatively relaxed, an easy grin now resting on his lips, as if his confliction over the interaction never occurred in the first place.
"the teacher asked me to set up the field. can you help me?"
"just do it yourself." kyung-jun responds sharply, earning him a glare.
"i wasn't talking to you."
sensing that the situation is escalating once more, you take a step towards hyun-ho, smiling at him softly, "sure. i'll help."
you nudge him along, away from the tension filled space, and find yourselves at the equipment room, filled with boxes ranging from tennis rackets and bright orange cones. as you reach for one of them, hyun-ho grabs your wrist, his grip firm and demanding your attention. you turn towards him.
"what are you doing?" he asks, his tone thick with both worry and displeasure.
"what do you mean?" you respond, not quite understanding the reasons behind his annoyance. sure, him and kyung-jun have never been on the best of terms, but something about that interaction felt off. it felt more intense somehow, like there was a different reason for the animosity between them. something reaching beyond their usual irritation with each other.
"i mean hanging out with that jerk, calling him your friend."
a deep frown pulls at your lips, "because he is."
"why? is he blackmailing you or something? do you need money?"
"what? no."
"so you're willingly hanging out with a person like that?"
"hyun-ho stop," you pull your hand away, missing the way hyun-ho's expression falters, a flash of hurt reflecting across his eyes, "i get it, okay? you're worried about me. but i promise you, my friendship with kyung-jun is genuine."
"why?"
"he's not who you think he is."
he releases a scoff, "oh, i know exactly who he is. a bully. an arrogant asshole who thinks he's above everyone. who picks fights for no apparent reason."
his tone is harsh, and the thing is, you can't even be mad at hyun-ho. his feelings are justified. how many times has he stepped in to prevent kyung-jun and his friends from hurting your classmates? but it's true that ever since becoming kyung-jun's friend, you've never seen him get sent to the principal's office, and ju-won and da-bum don't flinch each time he passes by. you just wish hyun-ho would notice the effort that he's trying to make.
"he's changed. haven't you noticed ju-won and da-bum haven't been bothered these past two weeks?"
"so he got bored of them. he'll pick his next target soon enough," when you don't respond, hyun-ho sighs, his face softening as he lowers his tone, "i just don't want it to be you."
you feel touched by the vulnerable expression he holds, suddenly feeling guilty for no apparent reason. you reach forward, laying a hand on his shoulder in what you hope is a comforting manner, "hyun-ho. i'm fine, really. i want to be his friend. you don't have to like it, but you can't stop me either. i've made my choice, and i'm sticking with it."
he stares at you, his attention flitting across each dip and crevice in your features, no doubt recognizing the determined set of your jaw and the purposeful fire in your eyes. he lets out another short breath, a grin twitching the corners of his lips, a sign of his steadily wavering resolve, "you're really stubborn sometimes you know."
"but you love it, don't you? come on," you nudge him playfully, "give me a smile."
the previously mentioned grin finally forms, and the boy shakes his head, releasing a defeated sigh, "you're making this really difficult."
you tilt your head at him, slightly puzzled, "what do you mean?"
hyun-ho lifts up his hand, ruffling your hair with a laugh, "nothing. come on, let's bring these boxes out."
you want to question him further, but the reminder of your initial task makes you push the matter to the back of your mind, and you don't think about it for the remainder of the day.
-
YOOIL HIGH SCHOOL SPORTS DAY
the words on the board cause the classroom to erupt into excited chatter. an ensemble of music notes and different pitched melodies, blended together like a disorganized symphony. as promised, jun-hee and so-mi stand at the front of the room, holding a stack of papers in their hands.
jun-hee claps his hands once, loudly, and the voices cease immediately, "alright everyone! i know you've been anticipating this, and as seniors, we get first pick of the events for this years sports day, so we're starting a bit earlier than usual. so-mi is passing around the sign up sheet. please pick your top five choices. as for partner events, make sure you both rank it the same on your papers."
jun-hee nods at so-mi, who walks around the podium and leaves a piece of paper on each person's desk. when it reaches your own, you quickly scan the available activities, smiling at the sight of the three legged race beneath the team events.
"we're also adding a new event this year. after all the activities are completed, a student led performance will occur in the auditorium with food and snacks. if you guys wish to participate, please indicate so on your paper. those who perform only have to do two events instead of three. also, don't forget about the upcoming senior trip. permission slips are due by the end of the month. that's all." jun-hee concludes his announcement, stepping away from the board and settling in his seat.
at the mention of a performance, you quickly look down at your paper, seeing the aforementioned event at the bottom of the page. it lists suggestions as to what students can perform, ranging from magic tricks to music. you recall the specific memory within your mind of your last sports day at yooil high school. you didn't end up participating in it simply because you were busy, and you didn't think anyone would enjoy a violin performance. but you always regretted not signing up. not just because it meant one less physical activity to complete, but seeing your friends on stage brought a bittersweet feeling.
'i don't want to live my life with regrets anymore.'
yoon-seo turns around excitedly in her seat, "should we do a performance?"
"and do what? we aren't musicians." jung-won replies.
"i think it'll be fun. i could teach you guys some simple chords, and if we practice hard enough, we can play at least a couple songs." you pipe in. jung-won purses her lips, considering your suggestion with careful analysis. a new voice breaks her thinking process.
"is this a band i hear forming?"
hyun-ho and dong-hyun pull up two chairs, facing the pieces of furniture backwards. when they settle in, they hug the back of the seat whilst leaning forward. both boys wear matching eager grins.
"oh no. no band here. i'm out." jung-won leans back in her seat, crossing her arms and signifying her decision. you laugh, finding her refusal adorable. jung-won isn't suited for the spotlight anyways. if anything, she much preferred the behind the scenes aspect of putting something together.
"i can play the guitar." hyun-ho speaks suddenly, causing you to snort.
"you? play guitar? since when?" you challenge.
"since forever." he replies cheekily, his arrogance especially prominent in the way he grins. you roll your eyes in response, turning towards the boy beside him.
"okay. what about you dong-hyun? you want to join our band?"
dong-hyun nods eagrly, "sure. i can play the drums."
"no way. that's so cool." yoon-seo gushes, causing his cheeks to grow slightly red.
"will you play the violin?" hyun-ho asks, and you shake your head in response.
"it wouldn't fit the vibe very well. i can play the guitar though. it's pretty similar. shouldn't take me long to learn."
"okay, so we have two guitarist and a drummer," dong-hyun counts the amount of members off on his fingers, frowning slightly when he turns to you for clarification, "what else do we need?"
"oh, are you guys doing the performance?"
na-hee, a girl with short hair and a kind face, hesitantly approaches your desk, smiling shyly at the five of you. she tucks her hair behind her ear, her eyes flitting towards hyun-ho for a split second before settling on the group as a whole.
you turn towards her, "yup! do you wanna join?"
her eyes brighten, "i can play the keyboard if you guys need someone to do that." she mumbles softly.
"sweet. we're set then, right?" dong-hyun confirms.
"we don't have a singer though." yoon-seo frowns.
"i think i can help with that."
jun-hee pulls up his own chair, resting his arms on yoon-seo's desk as he leans forward. when he approaches, his eyes lock with the girl beside him, and you don't miss the way his features soften, an expression reserved only for her, speaking volumes that you'll never hear.
yoon-seo mirrors his position, her browns eyes bright with wonder, "you can sing?"
at her proximity, jun-hee leans back, his face covered in a red flush as he rubs the back of his neck bashfully, "well, just a bit. nothing special."
dong-hyun leans towards hyun-ho, murmuring beneath his breath, "hey, is he trying to outshine us?"
"no no this is good. jun-hee's visuals will bring a lot of attention to your band." jung-won examines him closely, humming to herself in appreciation.
"aren't we handsome enough? hey," hyun-ho nudges you, "tell her."
you wave him off absentmindedly, "sure sure, you're quite handsome. i'll even let you be the lead guitarist so you can have some of the spotlight."
he grins, leaning towards you with a smirk, "should i give you my autograph now then?"
"no thanks. i want the drummer's autograph. drums are way cooler than guitar."
hyun-ho frowns, pulling your ponytail softly, and you have half a mind to hit him for the action. but your need for violence is interrupted by yoon-seo's passionate voice, "this is great! we have a complete band now. oh! me and jung-won can be your managers. you know, help you guys advertise and stuff."
"awesome. hey, do you think we'll get a lot of fans?" dong-hyun wonders out loud.
you stand up, throwing an arm around na-hee's shoulder and pull her close, "i think me and na-hee will be the popular ones actually."
"oh, definitely." jun-hee agrees, causing everyone to laugh.
the rest of the class period is spent discussing the logistics of the performance, such as what sort of songs you wanted to play and what days you should meet up to practice. as the discussion continues, you find yourself glancing around the room, straying towards kyung-jun, who leans towards seung-bin and jin-ha's desk as they engage in their own discussion. you wonder if he'll attend the performance, despite not staying long for sport's day. you find that you desperately want him there, to find his face in the crowd as you stand on stage and play your instrument. you keep your eyes there only for a split moment longer before returning to the small circle that has formed, but the thought lingers there in the back of your mind.
-
the sound of a ball thumping against a wall makes your footsteps falter, cautiously approaching the door to the music room. you peek inside, and the sight that greets you causes a bubble of laughter to burst out of your throat. kyung-jun leans against the wall beside the window, throwing a small ball against the opposite side of the room and catching it each time it bounces back. he looks entirely relaxed, concentrated on the repeated motions.
you turn the handle, the sound of the door creaking open gaining his attention and bringing his eyes to your own. upon recognizing you, he stops the motions, lifting the corner of his mouth into a smile.
you close the door behind you, crossing the room to join him at his side, "we have to stop meeting like this. if it happens one more time, it'll become a habit."
"you'd like that, wouldn't you?" he asks teasingly, tilting his head in your direction.
you shrug, feigning ignorance as you lean against the wall and pull out your book, hiding your smile behind it. you open the pages, only getting to scan the words briefly before the object is snatched from your hands.
kyung-jun holds up the book, reading the front cover out loud, "korean sign language?" his eyes shift to your own, an eyebrow lifted in question, "are you bored or something?"
"with you around? hardly." you reach for it, only for kyung-jun to hold it above his head as a response. he peers down at you, clear delight written across his face, his amused laughter ringing in your ears.
you let out a short breath, "go on, laugh all you want. use your ridiculous height to make fun of me."
kyung-jun lowers the book, casually flipping through the pages, "how do you say 'you're annoying' in sign language?"
"is that for me or for you?" you ask sarcastically, folding your arms across your chest as you settle back against the wall, "i decided to take your deaf comment seriously and learn some sign language. happy?" it isn't a complete lie, but it's not the entire truth either. after spending months back in time, you've realized that your capability to hear came with a downside. there's been barely any instances where you needed to sign, and you've found that slowly, you've started to forget simple phrases and words. and while you are planning to prevent ever becoming deaf in the first place, you still wanted to practice, just in case, "now come on, hand it over while i'm asking nicely."
"or what?"
"you know, i'm not above hitting you if it requires it."
kyung-jun's grin widens, like he doesn't entirely believe your threat, but he finally hands the book over. you put it back into your bag, deciding that you'd practice later, before pausing at the sight of a familiar flyer hidden among your things.
"hey, what are you doing at the end of the month?" you ask curiously, trying to hide the anticipation your body feels upon expecting his answer.
kyung-jun furrows his eyebrows in confusion, "why?"
"i have a concert, and i want you to come."
kyung-jun falters for a moment, almost surprised, before it is replaced by a deadpan expression, "so i can fall asleep listening to classical music?"
"it's not all classical. there's some modern music too. come on, please? i really want you to be there." you hold out the flier, and kyung-jun stares at it, his expression hard to decipher. his eyes meet your own for a brief moment, and you do your best to look as sad as possible, hoping he'll feel at least a little guilty. it must work, because kyung-jun quickly averts his eyes, snatching the paper out of your hand with a huff.
"fine."
you grin in triumph, noting the way he neatly folds the paper and stuffs it into his pocket. you place your bag on the ground, acutely aware of the way kyung-jun shifts, resuming his previous motions of throwing the ball across the room. he moves with ease, never once faltering, and you're mesmerized by the way his hands expertly catch the ball in his palm.
"you ever figure out that love song?" he asks suddenly, breaking the silence.
you release a sigh, "not yet. the time will come though. hey, speaking of which," you turn towards kyung-jun, "did you know people have melodies too?"
he lets out a brief laugh, "oh yeah? what's mine then?"
you grin, speaking confidently as you take a step closer, "a drum."
"a drum?" he repeats, slightly confused.
you nod, speaking out loud the thoughts that have plagued your mind since you've met him, reciting the sound and feelings kyung-jun creates in this world, "it demands to be heard. the sound of it makes your heart pound, and you can feel it in your entire body. when you hear it, you can't look away."
kyung-jun stares at you quietly, his eyes widened slightly, something unreadable reflected in them. when he speaks, his voice is low, holding the slightest hint of wonder, "you really hear that kinda stuff?"
you hum in confirmation, "i hear it with everybody. yoon-seo is like a flute. oh, and hyun-ho is a guitar."
kyung-jun considers it for a moment before speaking, "then you're probably a violin."
you laugh, "why? 'cause i play it? that's pretty unoriginal kyung-jun."
"because you're gentle."
his statement catches you off guard, and your mouth goes dry, any words you would've said in return dying on your tongue. you stare at him, scanning the planes of his face for his usual amusement, but kyung-jun speaks truthfully. he is not messing with you. he said it because to him, it's the truth, and at the revelation, you feel your heart pound inside your chest, and a quiet tune plays distantly in your ears, so soft and so quiet you think you've imagined it.
you shake your perplexity away, shoving him lightly while smiling sheepishly, "i didn't know you could be so sweet kyung-jun. are you warming up to me already?"
he scowls, rolling his eyes, "shut up." he mutters, but there is no bitter note hidden in his words, and yet again, he doesn't push you away. even if he tries to hide it, you see the ghost of a smile on his lips, and his chest shakes with his quiet laughter, the sound of it like a breath of fresh air on a sunny day.
'i want more sunny days with you, kyung-jun. i want to hear your laughter four years from now, on a day not unlike this one, and i hope it sounds the same.'
Notes:
HEHEHEH i loved this chapter 'cause not only do we get a glimpse of kyung-jun and reader's dynamic as friends, but it looks to me like someone is developing feelings hehehehehh. this chapter also sets up some things for the rest of the summer arc. flier and concert have been mentioned once more, i think a couple of you pointed out that reader may invite kyung-jun to it and you guys were exactly right. also sports day? yes. your theories from the summer sneak peak were 100% regarding that fact. i'm excited for it 'cause it brings a bit more of the twinkling watermelon aspect. also na-hee has finally been introduced! i love her so much, she deserves the world. anways i'm finally on spring break so i have endless hours to write. lets see how much of the summer arc i can complete before i return to school lol. see you guys soon!
Chapter 9: seven
Notes:
wowowwo i'm actually really surprised this came out so early LOL i told myself that i would post chapters whenever i finished them since i'm on spring break and have nothing to do, but i was surprisingly busy today (somehow, i ended up becoming everyone's uber, and i had my paper to finish lol) and yet i found myself unable to put the laptop away and my brain just went crazy with this chapter. it's a little short, but it's purpose is more as a filler tbh. i'm trying to set some things up for later events throughout the story, and im trying to progress their relationship as naturally as possible. anyways, hope ya'll enjoy you'll see me yapping again in the end notes.
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
9 MONTHS BEFORE THE ACCIDENT.
JUNE - AUGUST
when ko kyung-jun tips his head back towards the sky and feels the warmth of the sun on his face, he thinks of you.
it's frustrating, but not in the usual way he feels his anger consume his body. it's like a song that plays over and over again. ringing in his ears, lingering in the back of his mind as he goes about his daily life. at first, it's annoying, the presence of a girl he barely knows taking space in his thoughts. but as time passes, and the more it stays, kyung-jun finds a bit of comfort and familiarity in the way his mind turns towards the image of your face each time he's reminded of that sunny day his first year of high school.
a vibration in his pocket pulls him away from his thoughts, and kyung-jun reaches in and holds the device, glancing at the screen. his eyes swiftly scan the text message displayed, and he lets out a scoff, entertaining the idea of ignoring it. but another message pops up, an incentive for him to comply, and kyung-jun has no choice but to lean more comfortably against the wall and respond.
ko ki-jung
ki-jung: can you stop by the bookstore and pick up a package for me?
ki-jung: i'll buy you that new game you wanted.
kyung-jun: do it yourself.
ki-jung: you're already by the area and it's a gift for one of dad's clients. please don't be difficult.
ki-jung sent an image.
ki-jung: here's the location. just stop by the front counter. it shouldn't take long to get it.
kyung-jun sinks his teeth into the delicate flesh inside his cheek, thinking up a multitude of ways he can respond to his older brothers request, all of which will surely earn him a smack on the head if he actually sends them. instead, kyung-jun bites his tongue and pulls up the location on his phone, seeing that the bookstore is only a couple streets down from his current location. he types out a curt response as confirmation, then pockets his phone and ventures off to the area.
the bookstore in question is a small shop located on the corner of the street, and when he enters, he's immediately greeted with piles upon piles of books, wedged in between shelves, stacked upon each other in various parts of the store. the smell of it hits him hard, containing both paper and something else he can't explain, causing his nose to twitch. it's dimly lit, the space washed by a yellow light coming from the ceiling and through the windows, requiring him to squint if he wants any chance of seeing.
he walks towards the counter off to the side of the entrance, curtly greeting the shopkeeper and pulling out his phone to show the package confirmation number. the man steps towards the back of the shop to retrieve it, and as he does so, kyung-jun finds himself glancing around once more, taking in the messy space as he taps his foot impatiently against the floor.
really, it's no wonder why there's barely anyone present. he can hardly step inside without the possibility of tripping over a pile of books, and the smell of dust makes his nose twitch once more, a sneeze threatening to form. and it is so fucking dark kyung-jun wonders how the shop keeper ever finds his way around the place. why his father would buy a present from a store like this, he doesn't know, but he doesn't particularly care enough to ask either. he just wants to get out of here as quick as possible and stop wasting his time running errands for his brother.
a soft bell coming from the front door pulls kyung-jun towards the source, and while he does so, he doesn't plan on giving the newcomer more than a second thought. his attention serves more as a distraction, for he is still waiting on the stupid package. but when his eyes catch the familiarity of your face, the shape of your eyes, he can't find it in himself to look away, and it feels as if his entire body seizes on its own accord.
'what the fuck? is he hallucinating now?'
he blinks, but you're still there, walking slowly through the piles of books, your attention fixed on a point in the back of the room. his eyes follow your figure until it disappears behind a row of shelves, and kyung-jun can feel something shift inside of him. like words in the back of his throat in the shape of your name, and the function of his body willing to move in your direction.
"here you go. do you need help with anything else?" the shopkeeper returns, and kyung-jun feels a shock run across his spine, snapping his attention towards the voice. he blinks, feeling disoriented, like the earth has tipped over on its axis and he's struggling to find his footing. he hates it, the way your presence affects him. how it renders him helpless when he's spent his entire life gaining control. he shakes his head, picks up the box, and turns to leave.
but when he reaches the door, kyung-jun hesitates, something he rarely ever does. his mind screams at his body to move. to push open the door and leave. but something stops him, something he refuses to put a name to, but it grows stronger by the day. he lets out a short breath, dropping his hand and venturing further inside the shop.
he finds you rather quickly, and it becomes apparent to kyung-jun that you are very much real, and not a distant memory lingering in the back of his mind. he pauses, taking the sight of you in, the way your hands brush against the spines of the books, and your lips purse in deep concentration, eyes swiftly scanning the words printed on the side. kyung-jun knows he should walk over and greet you. you're friends after all, even if the notion still confuses him greatly, unsure about how to navigate such a relationship. but the hesitation from earlier returns, and for some reason, kyung-jun feels his heart pound inside his chest, his mouth growing dry. it's all too similar to nervousness, and kyung-jun doesn't know what to do with that revelation.
he hears you release a frustrated sigh, your face scrunched in a similar emotion as you push yourself to the tips of your shoes to lengthen your height. kyung-jun finds the sight of your irritation funny at best, like a harmless bunny thumping its foot against the ground. when he isn't agonizing over the way you lean in too close at times and press your hands against his skin, he takes great delight in pushing your buttons. your responses always vary, ranging from messing with him in return to feigning your own version of anger, and kyung-jun thinks it doesn't suit you very well. but the fact that you try at all causes him to let out a soft laugh, unable to prevent the sound from being produced.
another short breath is pulled from your throat, and kyung-jun watches the way you start to jump, reaching for a book nestled on the top shelf. it's placed on the very bottom of a stack of novels, and he doesn't register the way it slowly starts to tip over until you manage to wedge it from the stack, your eyes widening when you take notice of the same fact.
kyung-jun's feet move on their own. he knows he can't stop the pile from falling, that part is inevitable, so it's strange and frankly stupid that he would try anyway. when he reaches you, your hands are covering the top of your head, an attempt to soften the blow, and kyung-jun finds himself using his body as a shield. his hands brace against either side of you, covering you as much as possible, and the proximity would make the nervousness return if it weren't for the heavy weight that hits his head and back a moment after.
kyung-jun flinches at the pain that spreads from both points, clenching his jaw to muffle the hiss slipping through is teeth. several more books fall on his body, thumping towards the ground, and kyung-jun braces for the impact, relieved when it finally ceases.
'shit, that fucking hurt.'
he starts to regret not thinking properly before following through with his actions, squeezing his eyes shut to will the feeling away. eventually, it transform into a distant throb, mild enough to ignore.
"kyung-jun?"
your soft voice makes kyung-jun slowly open his eyes, and he finds himself staring down at you, your faces so close he can feel your soft breath against his cheek. his lips part slightly in surprise, his entire throat dry enough to prevent any words from forming. you peer up at him, your eyes wide and confused, but there's a flicker of affection that starts to form, slowly at first, but growing more and more prominent the longer you scan the planes of his features. kyung-jun feels his heartbeat pick up in speed, pounding in his chest and ears, like a drum vibrating across his entire body.
"are you okay? you're not hurt, are you?" your fingers reach towards the back of his head, brushing lightly against him, and the warmth of your touch sends yet another shock down the length of his spine. and when your lips form into a frown, your eyes creased with something tender, heat spreads across his ears and curls within his stomach, a pleasant warmth that lingers. the feeling, less foreign nowadays, brings him back to reality, and he hastily pulls away.
"are you dumb? why are you grabbing a book from the bottom of the pile?" he mutters out sharply, a frown upon his lips. you could be pretty oblivious at times. kyung-jun still thinks back to the time he had to roughly pull you away from oncoming traffic because a car decided to run a redlight, and you failed to notice the danger coming your way. he hates to admit it, but you worried him sometimes, and he doesn't know what to do with the feeling. worrying about someone other than himself is not a task that he's used to. he doesn't know how to express it in a calmer manner, driven only by his fear.
"it's the only copy i could find of the book i need. i didn't think it would fall." you mumble, appearing guilty. the sight of it creates an uncomfortable feeling in his chest.
"just...be more aware of your surroundings. it'll get annoying if i have to save you every time." he spits out, the uncomfortable feeling growing.
a small smile spreads across your face, unbothered by his harsh tone, "you're right. you're always saving me kyung-jun. thank you," the way you say the words, softly and genuinely, your gratitude something you extend freely, makes kyung-jun's heart skip a beat, and he has to look away to calm the frantic emotions plaguing his body. you speak once more a couple seconds later, "by the way, what are you doing here?"
kyung-jun glances down at the package on the floor, which he dropped as soon as he saw the books tipping down towards you. he walks over and picks it up, placing it under his arm.
"just some stupid package i had to pick up for my brother. the bastard couldn't do it himself, so he has me running errands like some delivery boy."
you breathe out a soft chuckle, "oh, i see. he's your older brother, right? do you have any other siblings?"
"just the one."
"you're lucky, you know. i'm an only child, so it gets pretty lonely at home. it's just me and my mom."
kyung-jun doesn't miss the way your voice gets quieter at your last comment, but he doesn't push the topic further. for some reason, he gets the feeling that it's a touchy subject. how funny, the way he takes your feelings into consideration. he releases a hollow laugh, "i guess we're both pretty lonely then."
you don't respond right away, staring at him quietly in a way he cannot explain. sometimes, kyung-jun doesn't know what to make of the way your eyes hold him. when they first regarded him, he wanted nothing more than to run away from the feeling. he felt exposed under your consideration, laid bare for you to pick apart and make of him what you see. but over time, he realized that he was just afraid. he saw the way your eyes creased at the corners with something tender, an affection he was still getting used to. you looked at him like he was someone worth looking at. like there was nothing in the world you'd rather lay your eyes upon.
"i don't feel lonely when i'm with you."
it's a simple sentence. a coherent formulation of words that reach kyung-jun's ears and comprehends rather quickly in his head. but there's a heavy weight to them, an implication that he can't even begin to understand. slowly, your usual eager smile replaces your frown, and your eyes brighten as you speak, "hey, since i have you, let's go do something."
kyung-jun takes only a brief moment to compose himself, slightly skeptical, "like what?"
"i was buying this book for yoon-seo's birthday, but i wanted to get her one more thing. you can accompany me, and afterwards i'll treat you to a meal. how does that sound?"
you look at him expectantly, and you do that thing that makes his resolve weaken, an expression that appears sad, but kyung-jun knows it's just a facade. he hates that despite knowing the truth, he crumbles beneath it regardless.
he glances away, pretending to be annoyed by the prospect, "fine. not like i have anything better to do."
you step closer, nudging him lightly, "oh, don't be like that. i can see your excitement. you're happy to hang out with me, aren't you? come on, say you are."
kyung-jun has to bite his tongue to refrain from commenting with something snarky, his usual bitter insults. it's not to hurt you or anything, it's just habit, and it's his way of disguising how your arm brushing against his own makes the warmth in his belly grow hotter. instead, he rolls his eyes and starts walking, acutely aware of the way you fall into step beside him with a soft laugh.
-
kyung-jun feels ridiculous following you around like some lost puppy. he wasn't sure what to expect at first. when you mentioned your friend's birthday present, kyung-jun realized he's never given anyone a gift before, so he wasn't sure what sort of shops you'd drag him to. but finding yourselves in the middle of a busy shopping center and visiting various clothing and makeup stores, he feels completely out of his element, trailing behind you, a step too close.
your attention span is not that great either. when you examine a white t-shirt with foreign letters printed on the front, it doesn't take long for you to step towards a dark blue skirt instead, treating it with the same level of intensity. he finds himself releasing a breathy chuckle at the sight, amused by your carefree attitude.
you end up leaving the store with nothing, and while kyung-jun would usually be annoyed, having wasted hours wandering aimlessly from each clothing rack, he feels far from it.
you stretch your arms above your head, yawning loudly, "i can't believe how hard it is finding the perfect gift."
"i can't believe you made us enter five different stores and you didn't buy a single item." kyung-jun mutters, which earns him a light shove on his shoulder.
"hey, don't start complaining. none of it felt right. i don't want to give yoon-seo a half-assed gift."
kyung-jun stays silent. he starts to wonder what you would want for your own birthday. something music related? or would you prefer clothing? makeup? what do girls even like? he starts to feel a bit frustrated, realizing he's not very good at this, and he's too prideful to ask you. he has noticed that you gravitate towards brighter colors when inspecting clothing items though, and you always seem to linger by the windows of any and all toy shops with stuffed animals and small trinkets. like a part of you longs to go in and browse for something for yourself.
"oh! let's go in here!" you tug on the sleeve of his t-shirt, and kyung-jun looks in the direction you're pointing towards, spotting a tightly packed makeup store several feet away. he feels the protest form in the back of his throat, pressing down on his tongue, but he has no chance to voice his refusal out loud when you link your arms with his own, pulling him inside.
you gravitate towards a section filled with different lip products, and kyung-jun stands rather awkwardly as you lean down and examine the various objects. around him, there are only girls present, and if he did spot a boy in the store, it was rather obvious that he was dragged there by his girlfriend.
kyung-jun is struck with a sudden thought.
'do people think we are a couple?'
"hey, give me your hand."
kyung-jun snaps out of his internal dilemma, so surprised by your question that he doesn't register the reason why. he stares, dumbfoundedly, as you wrap your fingers around his forearm, facing his wrist up. your touch is gentle, warm, creating electricity across each point your skin makes contact with his own.
when you lift up your other hand, holding the applicator of a lip gloss, kyung-jun tries to pull away from your grip, "what are you doing?"
you tighten your fingers, "hold still. i'm trying to check the color."
"why do you have to use my arm?"
"because you and yoon-seo have similar skin tones. relax, it'll wash off."
kyung-jun wants to fight it, but then you step closer, and he's hit with the scent of your shampoo, making his head feel dizzy. his entire body goes slack, and he sees the triumphant grin that plasters itself onto your face, followed by the cold liquid brushing against his wrist. you purse your lips, examining the color, and when you appear dissatisfied, you put the product away and pick up another one.
the process repeats itself, and kyung-jun finds his arm and the back of his hand covered in different shades of pinks, reds and purples.
"they all look the same to me." he mutters, inspecting the canvas you turned his arm into. 'i look ridiculous like this.'
"they are obviously different. this shade is more cool toned, see?" you press your fingers against a certain shade of pink, right on his pulse point, and he hopes you don't notice the way it jumps under the sudden touch. you move your fingers a centimeter to the right, "and this is warm toned. you should be taking notes."
he scowls, pulling away, "why would i do that?"
"how do you expect to buy your future girlfriend a gift if you can't tell the difference between two shades of pink?"
despite himself, a frown tugs at the corners of kyung-jun's lips. he doesn't know why, but your question forms an ache in the space between his ribs, an uncomfortable feeling that he does his best to push away. sometimes your obliviousness could hurt, he realizes with a start, "i don't need a girlfriend."
"you say that now, but one day you're gonna fall head over heels for a girl, and you'll regret not taking my advice."
kyung-jun stares at you in disbelief, the way you're completely unaware by the meaning behind your comment. you have no idea, do you? the effect you have on him. how a simple smile makes him crumble.
"i doubt it." he says instead, to which you shake your head and turn back towards the display.
you end up purchasing one of the many pink shades you'd painted on his hand, exiting the store with a small white bag around your wrist. the two of you walk along the streets of the shopping center, brushing past a sea of bodies and squinting against the uncomfortable heat beating down against your skin. when you turn the corner, you stop, and kyung-jun tilts his head towards you with a questioning glance.
you nod your head towards the small shop you stopped outside of, "let's go eat in here. they have japchae."
kyung-jun lifts his head towards the direction you indicated, scanning the menu taped to the window and smelling the scent of roasted vegetables. he finds himself nodding in confirmation, and you grin widely before pulling him inside.
two bowls of japchae sit on the table, and kyung-jun stares at the plate of food, his hands placed awkwardly in his lap. his hesitation returns, keeping a tight grip around his limbs, and he hates it so much he wishes he had a way to eradicate it completely. he directs his attention to you, sitting right across from him, already chewing on the glass noodles, entirely unfazed. the pleased hum you release from within your throat finally makes him move, shaking his head with a soft laugh as he takes his own bite.
"how's your spice tolerance?" you ask suddenly, several moments later.
kyung-jun considers your question for a moment before responding, "i can eat jjambbong without a problem."
"really?" your eyes brighten, and you lean forward slightly, "there's this restaurant you should try then. they have yukgaejang and it's really good."
"are you offering to treat me to another meal?" he asks, curling his lips into a teasing grin. you let out a laugh, feigning exhaustion shortly after.
"i suppose so. i'm a great friend, aren't i? spoiling you like this."
kyung-jun rolls his eyes, taking another bite of his food. though he can never understand some of the comments you make, he can't deny the way it amuses him, despite his stubborn nature. the sort of happiness you bring him is different than the one he gains with seung-bin and jin-ha. it's derived from something must simpler and kinder than pain, something he didn't know he was capable of receiving.
when you finish your food, he follows you to the front counter to pay, and as you busy yourself with reaching into your bag for your wallet, kyung-jun is struck with a sudden thought.
"is that yoon-seo?" he asks, pointing towards a far off part of the restaurant. predictably so, you lift your head and stare in that direction, and kyung-jun is pleased once more by how easily you're distracted. 'she's so gullible sometimes.' as your attention is diverted, he lifts up his phone, pulling up his card and pressing the device over the card machine. the beep pulls you back towards the counter, and your mouth falls open in surprise as you stare at him incredulously.
"did you just pay?"
he shrugs, pretending to be indifferent about the matter, but he can feel his face stretch wide to accommodate the smile that forms, "now you owe me a meal. i'm thinking yukgaejang?"
you blink owlishly at him, before slowly, beautifully, your own smile lays upon your lips. you laugh, the sound shaking your entire body, a breathy sound that plays distantly in the back of his mind for days to come, "okay. sounds like a plan."
-
you've noticed a strange peculiarity in two of your classmates behavior as of late.
you're not sure what exactly changed. you don't treat them any differently than you did before. typically with little interest, regarding them as you would a stranger you met on the street. you never had any desire to get closer to them, not like kyung-jun. but lately, seung-bin and jin-ha have made it their mission to seek you out at any given chance.
it started with smaller interactions. calling out to you from across the classroom. asking you questions about the material in class. asking you to eat lunch together. at first, their sudden interest in you puzzled you greatly. you couldn't explain how they suddenly went from taunting you to leave them alone to wanting you around when the situation called for it. the only commonality you could decipher was kyung-jun.
for some reason, seung-bin and jin-ha have taken it upon themselves to mention kyung-jun as much as possible. at first, you thought it was a product of their admiration, being boastful about their friend in the way subjects are to their leader. but the comments they would make made it seem like there was a different motive behind their praises.
"you know, kyung-jun is great at math."
seung-bin and jin-ha easily slip into the empty seats right across from you. their sudden appearance makes you pause, your pencil hovering over the math problem you're attempting to complete. both boys eagerly stare at you, awaiting your reaction to their information.
"really? isn't he at the bottom of our class?" you ask, slightly entertained and wondering what direction the two boys would take in this conversation.
"third to last" seung-bin clarifies, not deterred by the way you raise your eyebrow in question, in disbelief by how proudly he states it. he straightens, speaking with newfound enthusiasm, "but if he actually tried, he could easily beat jun-hee and jung-won, right jin-ha?"
jin-ha nods his head, "yeah! he's just too lazy to try."
"not that kyung-jun is lazy!" seung-bin cuts in, thrusting his elbow sharply into jin-ha's side. the boy lets out a grunt in pain, scowling at the blond, and he shoves him on the shoulder, causing the other boy to lift his hand to return the act of violence. you watch the exchange, both amused and bewildered, and when they notice your staring, they quickly settle back into their seats, feigning innocence.
jin-ha clears his throat, continuing the banter, "not lazy at all. he can be really determined when he wants to be. there was one time-"
"what are you idiots talking about?"
kyung-jun slips into the seat beside you, his eyes narrowed suspiciously in the boys direction. under his scrutiny, seung-bin and jin-ha grow rigid, averting their gaze as they glance wildly around the room and busy themselves with fixing their uniform.
"they were telling me how great at math you are." you answer softly. kyung-jun shifts his attention to your face, still slightly suspicious, but he eventually lets out a short breath, leaning back in his seat.
"don't listen to them. they're stupid."
"hey!" jin-ha protests, appearing slightly hurt by the comment.
you nudge him lightly, "come on, don't be mean."
"yeah kyung-jun, don't be mean." seung-bin mocks. kyung-jun sneers in his direction, standing from his seat and reaching over to smack him on the top of his head. it obviously isn't hard enough to hurt, but it does its job of making the boy lower his head and cease his teasing.
when kyung-jun settles back in his seat, you turn to face him, "so? are you good at math?"
"does it matter?"
"it's a cool talent to have. i suck at it. but," you drag the sound of the word out, similar to holding a particular note on an instrument as long as possible, "if i had a dear friend who's good at it, maybe they could help me out?"
"kyung-jun can tutor you!" jin-ha exclaims suddenly.
kyung-jun kicks jin-ha under the table, who lets out a low curse, face twisted into that of pain. he composes himself rather quickly though, forcing a strained smile in your direction.
you clear your throat, turning back towards the boy beside you, "some extra tutoring wouldn't hurt. i've actually been thinking of joining yoon-seo and jung-won at cram school. i'm a bit worried about the exams coming up."
kyung-jun releases a short breath, "why do you care so much about school anyways? aren't you going to be a musician?"
"well, yeah, but i shouldn't rely on it. you never know what can happen in the future."
he glances away, leaning forward and resting his face against his now folded arms, "you worry about the future too much."
you pause, pushing away the dread that settles in the pit of your stomach. you bite the inside of your cheek, curling your fingers around the edge of your skirt as you try to stop the image of a bold headline and a funeral portrait from surfacing to mind, "i think you don't worry about it enough. aren't you curious about what happens?"
he shrugs, completely unbothered by the prospect, "not really."
in a way, kyung-jun's attitude makes you feel relieved. if he isn't worried about the future, then it means he doesn't feel the impending doom of his fate. it means kyung-jun believes he will live a full life, and you want to keep it that way. you don't want him to worry about the possibility that he may die cold and alone in his home, stripped away from this world far too soon. it's not something a teenager should ever have to worry about in the first place.
you copy kyung-jun's movements, resting your cheek against the cool surface of the table, your faced turned towards his direction. he opens one eye, lazily dragging his attention across your face before fluttering it shut, the ghost of a smile twitching the corners of his lips. you feel yourself copying that motion as well.
'i'll take your burdens for you, kyung-jun, and i'll turn them into something else. something happier.'
-
you push yourself to the tip of your shoes, peering over the swarm of heads gathered in front of the snack bar located in the school cafeteria. students from all years push and shove each other, fighting for a spot at the counter that would allow them to obtain their desired snack or drink. you, yoon-seo and jung-won stand at the edge of the crowd, feeling defeated at the sight.
"this is going to take forever." jung-won sighs, a deep frown prominent on her face. she scowls when yet another student shoves past her to join the crowd, muttering something incoherent beneath her breath.
"i'm sure it'll go by quick." yoon-seo supplies, rather unhelpfully you may add. though she makes the attempt to lighten the mood, it's apparent that you'll be spending the majority of your lunch period fighting for food.
you reach into the pockets of your skirt, feeling your heart drop down into your stomach when the familiar weight of your wallet is no where to be found. you pat each side of your skirt down, searching for the lump that would indicate it being in your possession, but it's not there.
"what is it?" yoon-seo asks, noticing your panicked state.
"i forgot my wallet in the classroom." you realize suddenly. you were in such a hurry to exit the room that you left in on top of your desk. you mentally facepalm your own incompetency.
"it's okay, i can pay for you."
you shake your head, "no, i'll be super quick. just wait for me!"
you take off at a run towards the exit of the cafeteria, jogging up the stairs and finally reaching your classroom completely out of breath. you pause outside the door, calming your erratic breathing before softly pushing it open and stepping inside.
at first, you thought that the quiet space was completely empty, but that proves to not be the case when you notice a figure slumped against their desk. you blink, and the image remains the same, the details of the situation registering in your brain. kyung-jun, fast asleep, resting his head on his neck pillow.
tentatively, so as to not disturb him, you step closer, pausing right beside his desk. you inspect him carefully, feeling a smile pull at your face when you take in his peaceful state. his cheek his squished against the soft cushion of his pillow, and his lips are parted slightly, releasing calm, even breaths. and his face, it's completely relaxed, untouched by his emotions, a raw, unfiltered version of himself. the sun from the window reaches past the glass and spreads across the right side of the room, lighting his face in a soft, yellow glow. slowly, you lift up your hand, blocking the sun from reaching his face, and you notice the way his face shifts, his nose twitching, scrunched in discomfort before easing back into a tranquil expression.
the more you look at him, taking in the slope of his nose, the shape of his lips, the way his hair falls around his face, it's hard to deny what's obvious.
'he really is handsome, isn't he?'
of course, you've taken notice of kyung-jun's features. how could you not? it is obvious to everyone in your class, whether they want to admit it or not. but in this specific moment, the revelation feels different to you somehow. like it carries a heavier weight, shifting the essence of your soul into something that can never be reversed, engraved into your entire existence. you lean forward, brushing the hair away from his face, and feel a shock rush down your body when your skin comes into contact with his own.
'i need to leave.'
you step back, hastily weaving through the desks and exiting the room. when the door closes behind you, you lean against it, breathing heavily, completely disoriented by the events that occurred. shakily, you press your palm flat against your chest, right over your heart, and you feel it beneath your touch. it pounds like a drum, an erratic rhythm that never ceases, demanding to be heard and acknowledged. like a song produced by a tender feeling in your heart.
you suck in a sharp breath, feeling heat spread across each inch of your face.
Notes:
HAHAHAHH despite being pretty short i think we can all agree that a lot happened in this chapter. for one, a lottt of kyung-jun pov. ik you guys were starving for more of his perspective, and i hope i delivered hehehe. i think it's safe to say this boy has a crush, even if he never explicitly says it. also reader?? perhaps developing her own crush?? what?? they are so precious. anyways, i'll save the rest of my thoughts for your guys comments so we can yap about it together. i'll see you guys soon with the next chapter, i think you guys will really like it :3
Chapter 10: eight
Chapter Text
9 MONTHS BEFORE THE ACCIDENT.
JUNE - AUGUST
from beyond the window, the scene that greets you brings about nostalgia akin to the feeling of youth.
a group of students gather near the edges of a basketball court, clustered tightly together as their faces replicate the excitement of the game. six individuals run back and forward across the asphalt, their movements swift and efficient, seeking out an air filled ball that bounces easily against the ground. you can imagine the sound it makes each time it makes contact with the earth, not unlike the pounding of footsteps or a crash of cymbals pushed together.
"should we go to the aquarium or the hike?"
distantly, you hear a conversation occur between your two friends who sit across from you, but while their attention is drawn to a small piece of paper, your own eyes follow a particular figure who runs across the ground, weaving through bodies like sand slipping through one's fingers. he pauses, holds the ball in both hands and jumps, throwing it in the air. the cheers that erupt when the orange sphere slips through the net is muffled, but it doesn't matter, for you're focused on the way the boy allows a wide smile to stretch across his face, his eyes bright with triumph, and how confidently he approaches his teammates and claps his hands against their own, receiving their praising pats on the back.
"are you listening?"
jung-won's tone, bordering on exasperation, pulls you away from your staring. you snap your head away from the window and meet her displeased eyes.
"huh?" you mumble, blinking once in confusion.
jung-won sighs, tapping the paper insistently with her finger, "come on, we have to finish this by the end of the day or all the spots will fill up."
"sorry sorry, i'm listening now. hike or aquarium, right?" you consider both options carefully. in your original timeline, the three of you opted for the latter, and the experience itself was more than entertaining. you don't mind repeating it once more, even if the quality of participating in something new has worn off. plus, hiking up hills in the middle of summer sounds far from appealing, and you don't think you're willing to push your luck and find out if it's true or not. perhaps it will be best to not change the future in this case, "i think we should do the aquarium. we can save our energy for the beach later."
jung-won nods, "good idea," she leans down to start writing, successfully signing the three of you up for the event. then, she pauses, her sharp eyes swiftly scanning the informational aspect of the school trip. her eyes widen slightly, clearly pleased, "oh, look. there's a shopping center nearby. we can kill some time there if we finish early."
you tip your own head forward in confirmation, giving her an encouraging smile, and jung-won returns it with a small grin of her own before quickly going back to reading the rest of the packet. while she's occupied, you turn back towards the window, finding that the game occurring outside is still ongoing, and the boy your eyes were previously captured upon now holds the ball.
"what are you looking at?" yoon-seo's soft voice tickles the shell of your ear as she leans forward, peering over your shoulder. her eyes take in the scene outside, and a surprised expression paints her features, "oh, it's kyung-jun. i've never seen him play basketball before. he's pretty good."
said boy passes the ball to seung-bin, who retrieves it gracefully, their partnership earning them another point, "his height gives him an advantage," you muse lightly, causing the girl to laugh.
"he is pretty tall, huh? have you asked him what activities he's going to do?"
"yah!" both you and yoon-seo startle, bodies growing rigid as you guiltily turn back towards jung-won. your friend narrows her eyes at you, slightly annoyed, and her arms are crossed over her chest in an intimidating manner, "both of you, pay attention. we still need to figure out the room situation."
"i thought we're all rooming together?" yoon-seo asks.
"it's four to a room. there's only three of us."
"we could ask na-hee. i don't think she's picked her roommates yet." you suggest. you recall her mentioning it during lunch the previous day, more as a passing comment, but you picked up on the underlying implication nonetheless. this particular situation didn't occur in the past, for you remember rooming with a different girl in your class. but ever since na-hee joined the small band you created for sports day, you've gotten closer to the girl, and you think it'll be fun sharing a room with her on the school trip.
"sounds like a plan." yoon-seo agrees, and jung-won's signal of compliance is seen in her silence, already moving on to the next task regarding the senior trip.
sensing that a null in conversation has occurred once more, you turn back towards the window. of course, as expected, your eyes immediately gravitate towards kyung-jun, an action you can't seem to prevent in recent days. it's like an invisible string pulls you in any direction he faces, landing easily upon his face like it's familiar, a natural thing to do. as you take the sight of him in, carefree and determined, you start to think about the senior trip.
the photograph materializes at the forefront of your mind, and as you recall kyung-jun's awkward stance and surprised expression, completely caught off guard, a pleasant warmth stirs within the pit of your stomach. for some reason, that moment on the beach feels like an important one. back then, you viewed the crossing of your paths as a strange phenomenon, a rare occurrence that is unlikely to ever happen again. something to think back on with a strange, puzzled look. but now that kyung-jun is a fundamental part of your life, a person whom you seek out regularly so as to keep him in any way you can, you sense that a shift in the universe will officially occur. that it'll be the start of something new.
and you hope that the photograph, a warn down copy kept in someone's wallet, will replicate a different emotion in both your faces. something simpler. something that will express the joy and youth of being in each other's presence. an affection fostered each time your paths cross and your worlds blend into one.
-
when you leave the school gates, the sound of your name is formed by the crash of cymbals and a loud trombone.
you recognize the voices, and when you pause, turning around to face those who created it, you find yourself to be correct in your assumptions. seung-bin and jin-ha run towards your current position, and when they reach you, they come to a sudden halt, wearing big grins on their faces. since your encounter at the library, you've grown accustomed to their sudden presence in your life, so you don't feel as uneasy about their presence like before.
"seung-bin, jin-ha, what's up?" you greet them simply, switching your attention between both boys faces. it's jin-ha who speaks up first.
"what are you doing right now?"
"right now?" you repeat, uncertain as to which direction the conversation will turn towards, "i was gonna go home. why?"
"we're hitting the internet cafe to play some games. you should join us."
"games?" you smile apologetically, "i'm afraid i'm not very good at those. i don't think i'm the right person to ask."
"kyung-jun can teach you!" seung-bin cuts in, his words released in a rushed manner, "he's super good at them. and he'll love it if you're there."
jin-ha jabs the blond boy in the ribs, a panicked look crossing over his expression for a split moment. seung-bin's eyes grow wide, and they nudge one another insistently, whispering incoherent sentences beneath their breath. you watch the exchange with the same level of confusion as before, peering at them in bewilderment as they finally turn towards you with expectant eyes.
"so? wanna come?" seung-bin asks.
"sure. where is he right now?" usually the two boys are accompanied by kyung-jun when they leave school, so it's a little strange that he's currently absent. it's also strange that they'd invite you to this hangout without him present. you start to get the feeling that they're up to something, but you can't even begin to guess what exactly it is.
"cleaning duty. he'll catch up to us when he's done." jin-ha responds.
"yah," seung-bin nudges jin-ha gently, lowering his voice to a low murmur, "let's hurry before he comes. if he finds out-"
"right right." jin-ha nods. they both lift up their heads at the same time, meeting your quizzical stare, before grinning widely and ushering you excitedly towards the gate.
as you walk to the cafe, you anticipated silence, or at least, quietness on your part. seung-bin and jin-ha have always been the type to chatter non-stop, their boastful laughter a familiar sound within your classroom. so it's not unexpected for them to engage in conversation on the way there. however, what you didn't expect was to once again be bombarded with questions from the two boys.
"so, what activity did you pick for the senior trip?" seung-bin asks suddenly, drawing you away from your thoughts.
"i'm doing the aquarium." you respond, still feeling a little unsure about their motives.
"cool cool," he mutters slowly, nodding his head as he glances away, "you know, kyung-jun signed up for that too."
"really?" you can't help the way your heart buzzes with excitement at the prospect. you couldn't remember what event kyung-jun chose in the past, so it is nice to finally get some confirmation, "i guess we'll be seeing each other then."
"so, do you have a boyfriend?"
you falter slightly in your stride, blinking at jin-ha slowly, "huh?"
"yah! that wasn't the plan!" seung-bin hisses sharply, smacking the boy on the back of his head.
jin-ha winces, swatting his hand away as he responds just as harshly, "you were beating around the bush too much!" he turns towards you, "yes or no?"
"no?" you respond, still processing the sudden question.
jin-ha grins in triumph, turning back towards seung-bin, "see, i told you."
he scowls, "how was i supposed to know? that hyun-ho jerk is always hanging around her."
"but this is good," jin-ha clears his throat, facing you once more, "second question, do you-"
"yah! what are you idiots doing?"
the familiar voice causes your heart to pick up speed, and as the three of you turn, spotting kyung-jun approaching from several feet away, the feeling intensifies at the solidity of the fact.
kyung-jun pauses right in front of you, and you don't miss the way his eyes swiftly scan your face, as if checking for any signs of discomfort. there's something tender there, creased at the corners of his eyes, softening the features of his face. it makes your face feel hot and your stomach all queasy. but then, when he turns to regard his two friends, any trace of warmth vanishes, hardened by his annoyance.
"kyung-jun!" jin-ha greets, noticing the tension in his jaw. quickly, before you can blink, he's stepping behind you, putting his hands on your shoulders and pushing you forward like presenting a prize, "we brought her along to play with us!"
"hi." you mumble softly, lifting your hand and giving him a small wave.
kyung-jun releases a short breath, fluttering his eyes shut for a brief moment before settling on you once more. just like the first time, his irritation is milder when he meets your eyes, "did these bastards force you here?" you open your mouth to respond, but kyung-jun is already snapping his head towards jin-ha and seung-bin, stepping around you to hit them on the back of their heads, "yah! what did i tell you about bothering her?"
"hey, what do you take us for?" seung-bin whines, attempting and failing to shield his head with his arms. feeling guilty over the misunderstanding, you urgently tug on the sleeve of kyung-jun's uniform, and indicator for him to stop, and the effect is immediate.
"don't worry. i came 'cause i wanted to." you reassure him, to which he shifts his attention to your face, eyes flitting frantically between your own in search of a single slip in the truth. when he finds none, he tilts his head at you, eyeing you skeptically.
"why? do you even know how to play?"
you purse your lips, "well, no, but it shouldn't be that hard, right?"
it is, in fact, very difficult.
as you sit beside kyung-jun in a small cubicle within a dark room, the only light source coming from your computer, you start to realize how badly you underestimated the complexities of controlling the keyboard and mouse. you thought you'd do a better job at doing two separate actions at once, being a musician and all, but pulling the strings of your violin and dragging the bow across them is completely different then using the various buttons on the keyboard to complete a certain action.
"you really suck at this." kyung-jun comments when you die for what feels like the hundredth time.
you release a frustrated breath, dropping your hands in defeat. you lean back against your seat and tilt your head in his direction, glaring at the amused smile on his face, "hey, i'm still learning. this is my first time playing, remember?"
kyung-jun snickers, "a little kid could play better than you."
"kyung-jun," you whine, frowning slightly, "don't hurt my feelings. instead of using your energy to make fun of me, you should be helping me."
kyung-jun rolls his eyes, but instead of mocking you further, he rolls his chair back, motioning for you to scoot over and create space in the small cubicle. it's a tight squeeze, so when he settles in, your arms are pressed together, his warmth practically your own.
he leans towards you, lifting his other arm and pointing towards a certain spot on the keyboard, "see this?" his voice is low, said almost directly in the shell of your ear, and you feel his warm breath against your skin, "you use these keys to move your character."
"why couldn't they use the arrows? wouldn't that make more sense?" you complain, hovering your fingers over the set of keys. you try to get used to the feeling, but it's hard to concentrate when kyung-jun is still so close. his familiar scent hits you then, a mix between cologne and clean laundry, lacking the usual smell of leftover smoke from cigarettes. you realize he hasn't smelled like that in a while, not since you scolded him for ruining his health several months ago.
"why are you asking me? i didn't create the game."
"considering how much time you spend here, you should have the answer."
kyung-jun leans back, his dark eyes narrowed sharply in your direction as he frowns, "do you want me to help you or not?"
"yes yes okay, i'm sorry. continue." you wave him off, urging him to carry on, and kyung-jun releases an annoyed breath before leaning back in, closer than ever.
"only use your mouse to change the screen. go on, try it," your fingers reach for the device, hesitating for a moment before dragging it swiftly across the desk. immediately, your screen blurs from the rapid movements, and kyung-jun hurriedly presses his hand over your own to stop the action, "don't move it so fucking fast. how do you expect to see anything?"
your eyes latch onto your joined hands, feeling the rough callouses of his palm, his excessive warmth. you notice the size difference between your hand and his own, and the revelation makes your throat go dry. your words come out shaky as you nod your head once, slowly, "oh. okay."
kyung-jun pulls his hand away, leaning back against his chair and motioning for you to continue. this time, you adhere to his advice, grinning in triumph when the screen doesn't go haywire, "now try shooting the object." you squint in concentration, pressing your teeth against your bottom lip as you aim at the closest object. but no matter how many times you adjust the view and press the button to shoot, you always seems to miss it. kyung-jun laughs, the sound a mix between disbelief and amusement, "yeah, i'd stick to music if i were you."
you shove him lightly, your frown deepening when he merely laughs harder as a response, "you're so mean sometimes."
when he settles down, kyung-jun nods his head towards the screen, smiling at you encouragingly, "come on, try again."
you release a huff, but comply nonetheless, determined to prove him wrong. the evening continues, and you spend several hours in that small space, cheering when you succeed and groaning when you make a mistake. but kyung-jun sits next to you through it all, his joy contained in the quiet shakes of his body each time he laughs, both teasing and patient as you play. by the time the four of you decide it's time to leave, night has fallen, and your neck and legs feel stiff as you exit the building.
your small group walks along the deserted streets, seung-bin and jin-ha's laughter overcoming the cicadas chirping and the sound of cars rolling past. you pause only when you reach your bus stop, awaiting the vehicle.
seung-bin pulls out a pack of cigarettes and a lighter, handing one to jin-ha, who takes it eagerly in his hands. he then turns towards kyung-jun, extending the box in his direction.
"want one?" he asks, his own cigarette moving between his teeth as he speaks.
kyung-jun gives the box a disinterested glance, shoving it away, "throw that shit out."
"come on, you never smoke with us anymore." seung-bin whines, but doesn't make another attempt to persuade him. he merely closes the box and stuffs it into his pockets.
his comment, though a passing remark, catches your attention, and you turn towards kyung-jun, who doesn't seem to notice your sudden interest. kyung-jun quit smoking? since when? sure, you've noticed that he doesn't smell like cigarettes anymore, but you assumed he just stopped doing it when you were around. did he really listen to you that day? or did something else encourage him to quit the bad habit?
"don't feel like it." kyung-jun mutters vaguely, signaling the end of the conversation, a clear sign that he doesn't want to be pestered for a more direct response.
seung-bin shrugs, "suit yourself," he brings the lighter to his lips, flicking the flame to life. when the cigarette successfully catches on fire, he takes a long drag, blowing copious amounts of smoke into the air. the smell of it hits you instantly, and you bring your hand to your nose to stifle the scent, letting out a cough when it reaches your face.
kyung-jun kicks seung-bin in the leg with a sneer, "smoke that shit somewhere else. you're blowing smoke everywhere and it fucking reeks."
seung-bin rolls his eyes in annoyance, but complies nonetheless, nudging jin-ha along as they walk down the path and find a different area to smoke peacefully.
kyung-jun watches them leave, releasing a harsh breath, "fuck. those idiots seriously don't know how to read the room," he mumbles bitterly, to which you laugh, stepping closer so your arms brush against each other every time you shift on your feet.
"thank you. i had a lot of fun today." you mumble softly, a small smile forming on your lips. kyung-jun turns, peering down at you, and an unreadable expression passes over his face, his adams apple bobbing in his throat.
he quickly looks away, nodding his head once, curtly, "sure."
a comfortable silence settles, and you rock back and forward on your feet, the movement causing your skin to come in contact with his own more than once. it sends a pleasant shock down your spine, and while it makes your heart pound, you can't find it in yourself to step away, chasing the feeling instead.
"hey, you're still coming to my concert this weekend, right?"
"didn't i say i would?"
you smile, feeling a bit relieved, "good," you stop your movements, turning your body to face him completely and form a serious expression on your face, "you can't back out you know. if you don't show up, it'll make me sad and i'll have no choice but to cry."
kyung-jun chuckles, the corners of his lips twitching with his amusement. eventually, he releases a quiet breath, his expression tranquil, perhaps even a bit soft, "i'll be there."
the bus arrives, lurching to a stop right in front of you. you turn towards it, seeing the open door and the exhausted driver. for some reason, you're hit with a sudden wave of hesitation. don't want to leave. you want to stay in this moment with kyung-jun, appreciating his closeness for just a minute longer. why did the day have to end so early?
"are you getting on?" you ask, to which kyung-jun glances at his friends, still several feet away, laughing and smoking.
"i'll catch a later bus." he responds, and though you feel disappointed, you don't voice your selfish wants out loud.
you step inside, paying the fee and settling into a seat by the window. kyung-jun stands there, watching you go, his eyes following the movement of the bus as it rolls down the road. you lift up your hand, waving at him goodbye, and kyung-jun returns the motion with his own hand, fostering something affectionate in your heart.
before you can change your mind, you open the window, sticking your head out. the wind blows against your face, and you cup your hands around your mouth, "i'll see you tomorrow kyung-jun! don't forget this weekend!" you yell, hoping the wind carries the sound of your voice. it must do the job, for kyung-jun smiles, hanging his head low as he shakes it and laughs.
-
'g.'
'b.'
'e.'
'g.'
you mutter each letter under your breath, mimicking the way your hands would press down on the strings of your violin in the air. they move rapidly, one after the other, the mental image of your music sheet materializing as a clear picture in your mind. as you continue through the motions, a nervous feeling flutters in your stomach, growing more and more prominent as time passes and the number of people before you dwindles down to a significant change.
a vibration against your leg causes you to pause your movements, picking up your phone and seeing the texts displayed on the screen. there are a multitude of messages from each of your friends, ranging from words of encouragement to confirmation that they have arrived at the venue. the most recent one comes from yoon-seo, and the sentence that you read makes your heart drop down into your stomach.
yoon-seo: he's not here yet.
your fingers hover over the keys, hesitating, for you're not sure which emotion to express at the moment. urgency over the lack of his presence? frustration that he's late? or sadness over the fact that ko kyung-jun has yet to arrive to your concert.
"hey, you're on standby. five minutes."
the director of the event waits for you to nod in confirmation before disappearing into the depths of the backstage, leaving you alone in the hallway. pretty soon, someone else will take your spot, and the line of people waiting to perform will shrink until the last note is played, and the concert is finally over.
as you numbly step towards the spot at the side of the stage, you fiddle with the strings of your violin, the way the taut fiber cuts against the pads of your fingers a comforting feeling. from your position, you can see a girl playing the piano, and small glimpses of the crowd. the lights shining on the stage are too bright for you to see the faces clearly, but you spot your mother towards the center of the auditorium, almost half the row occupied by your friends. you see yoon-seo and jung-won leaning towards each other, a hit of wonder on the former's face, and jun-hee, right beside her, watching the performance with an appreciative smile. to his left, hyun-ho and dong-hyun lean back in their seats, arms crossed, their expressions carefully blank. the spot next to them remains empty.
ko kyung-jun is no where to be seen, and the reality of the situation hits you then. but the visual confirmation revealing his lack of presence, the fact that he is not a face in the crowd for you to lay your eyes upon, hurts more deeply than you initially imagined.
your name gets called from a microphone, and you quickly fix your expression to a confident smile, keeping your head held high as you walk across the stage. when you reach the center, you give a slight nod towards the pianist, who will accompany you during the song. when she returns the gesture, you finally face the crowd, blinking against the harsh light, acutely aware of the way all sound reduces to a quiet hush. you take a deep breath, lifting your violin and pressing it snugly against your collarbone and neck. you close your eyes, counting down the seconds, and finally play.
the song you create starts off slow. the notes are long and drawn out, an octave higher than you'd usually play. but as the melody progresses, the chords become more complicated, and the emotion is more vivid, prominent in the way your notes become more rushed and raise in volume, even more high pitched than before. your movements become frantic, trying to keep up with the pace of the chords. you keep your eyes closed throughout the performance, focusing only on the way your body moves and how the melody plays in your ears.
as you drag out the last note, there's a hollow space in your heart, like when you finally live through the moment you've been anticipating for a long time. and now that it's over, you start to miss it, longing to live through it once last time. just a second moment longer. you slowly lower your instrument, open your eyes and see the crowd rise to their feet and erupt into a thunderous applause. you see your friends and family shouting in excitement, calling out your name, and for a moment, the empty space fills.
but when you exit the stage and the concert finally ends, the feeling returns. when you find them in the crowd, it becomes painstakingly clear that the person you wanted there most is not one of the faces you see.
"that was amazing!" dong-hyun shouts as soon as you reach him in the sea of bodies, his smile impossibly big and his eyes bright with wonder. his joy is contagious, so you can't help the big smile that forms on your face and the sheepish laugh that slips through your teeth.
"thanks dong-hyun. i had to upstage you after going to all your games. i need a bit of spotlight for myself."
"you're seriously something. how do you remember all of that? that song had to have been like, twenty minutes." hyun-ho asks, clearly in disbelief.
"it's only 9 minutes. and loads and loads of practice." you respond.
he lets out a low whistle, "i'm starting to understand why you refuse our invitations to hangout."
"told you." you muse lightly, to which hyun-ho smiles. your eyes drift down to the flowers in his hand, and he follows the movement, blinking in realization as he holds them up and hands them over.
"here. these are for you."
your mouth falls open at the sight, feeling at the loss of words by the kind gesture. as you take the bouquet in your hands, you inspect the various colors and assortment of roses, tulips and baby's breath, all arranged carefully into a big white bow, "oh. thank you. they're beautiful."
"we all pitched in to get it for you." yoon-seo explains eagerly.
your smile widens, and you look at each and every one of your friends, an affection for them growing warmly in your chest, "thank you guys for being here. i really appreciate it."
they all nod eagerly, erupting into chatter, the topics varying from your own performance to the event itself. your mother comes up behind you, and you turn, allowing her to engulf you into a big hug. her hands rub soothingly along the exposed skin of your back, a product of the long black dress you wear, and her gentle voice whispers a sweet praise in your ear, kind enough to almost make you burst into tears. when you lean back to inspect her face, there's a proud expression present, along with something sadder, an emotion you try not to dwell on too much at the moment.
"should we get something to eat?" jun-hee asks suddenly, to which the rest of your friends immediately voice their approval. they turn towards you, awaiting your response, and your mother smiles encouragingly, nudging your forward.
"i think that's a wonderful idea. there's this excellent restaurant not far from here. we can all leave together." she says.
you hum in confirmation, "sure. i just need to get my stuff from the back room."
"we'll be waiting outside for you. here, i'll take your flowers." she reaches out her arms, and you carefully hand them over.
"thanks mom. i'll be quick."
it doesn't take long for you to gather your things, say goodbye to the other performers, and exit the venue. in fact, it happens so quickly, time itself moves rather slowly.
you hold your violin case in one hand, and in the other, your music bag is clutched tightly in your fingers. the night is neither cold nor warm, a perfect blend between the two, and a great relief from the hot day you had earlier. as you walk, you stare down at your shoes, black heels that click against the ground with each step you take, echoing in your ears. there's no one around, mostly everyone having gone home or ventured to a different part of town.
the hollow feeling returns, intensified now, pressing down on your chest and squeezing the air from your lungs. everything feels muffled then, like a distant memory, barely felt and remembered. and yet, you can't seem to ever push away the empty seat in the crowd, haunting you indefinitely.
kyung-jun didn't come. why didn't he?
why didn't he come see me?
as if nature heard your desperation, a different sound enters your ears. the thump of a drum, crashing against the earth, pounding and drowning out the clack of your shoes. you pause, glancing up, and the sight before you makes you feel like the entire world has shifted beneath your feet.
ko kyung-jun appears...worse for wear. as he approaches you, running at full speed, there's an urgency in his steps, his face stricken by pure panic. as he gets closer, and finally spots you, he slows down, steadily at first, going from a sprint to a light jog, and finally, a walk that ends with him standing several feet in front of you. he's breathing heavily, gasping for breath like he ran the entire way here, but the worse of it is not his ragged look. it's the blood and bruises on his face, a sharp cut on his cheek, scratches along his nose and chin.
as you both stand there, taking each other in, there's an ache forming in the space between your ribs, a hurt you recognize from before, caused by the sight of kyung-jun hesitating in his position. his eyes frantically roam across your face, lips parting to form something, anything, that would make the situation hurt less than it already does.
"did you get into a fight?" you ask, surprised by how steady and even your words come out, a stark contrast to the rapid pounding of your heart, the frantic thoughts running rampant in your mind.
kyung-jun averts his gaze, guilt displayed tragically upon his face. he clenches his hands into fists, which are also bloody and bruised, and his jaw tightens as his eyes sharpen, glaring at the ground as if it were the cause of all his misfortune.
"kyung-jun." you mumble, softly, encouraging, pleading with him to just be honest with you. he finally glances up, and the way he looks at you, both pained and frustrated, makes you want to cry.
"it was just some trouble along the way, no big deal," he responds, his tone lacking the usual qualities that make up his voice. it feels wrong, and you almost ask him to say it again, to repeat the rehearsed statement so as to reveal the truth in it, but kyung-jun is speaking again, and this time, there's a hint of hesitance laced within his monotone question, "did i miss it?"
not, 'is it over?' or 'am i late?' but rather, 'did i miss it?' as if ko kyung-jun cared about the fact that he was absent for your performance. he doesn't say it out loud, but his body language, his tone, speaks more clearly to you than the words he leaves unsaid. something builds in the back of your throat, a large ball lodged tightly within, and tears gather in the corners of your eyes, threatening to spill down your face. and when kyung-jun shifts, as if wanting to get closer, you close the distance for the both of you.
you drop your bags and rush forward, pulling a surprised grunt from kyung-jun's throat when you latch your arms around his middle and pull him into a tight hug. his body is warm and firm, and when your face presses against his chest, you feel his heartbeat, a loud, frantic rhythm that you count the beats to, memorizing it.
"it doesn't matter. you're here now." you croak out, and this time, you really do cry, sobbing into his clothes. you can feel his body grow rigid at the sounds of your cries, perhaps unsure of how to console you. but kyung-jun doesn't say anything. instead, you feel his arms shakily wrap around your back, cautiously at first, as if he's unsure if he's allowed to pull you close. but when his palms make contact with the skin on your back, all hesitancy vanishes, and his grip grows firm, the security of his presence making the emotion in your chest grow stronger.
kyung-jun ran all the way here. he ran, because he hoped against all odds that there was a chance he would get to see you perform. he fought back against those who hurt him so he could be here, with you.
"i'm sorry."
you aren't sure if you heard the words correctly. they are uttered so softly, just beneath a whisper, as if the person who said it never intended for you to hear. you pull back, looking up into kyung-jun's face, seeing the hurt, both emotional and physical, across each inch of his features.
you smile, shaking your head, "don't apologize. it must've been hard for you, huh?" kyung-jun doesn't say anything, and you reach up, pressing your fingertips lightly against the bruise forming around his eye. he flinches, and you pull back slightly, afraid you must've hurt him or crossed a line that never should've been crossed. kyung-jun looks away, avoiding your stare, biting the inside of his cheek. you sigh, dropping your hand and stepping back, "i'm sorry this happened to you. i wish i could take away your pain kyung-jun."
"i'm used to it."
"i wish you weren't. i wish you never had to learn to accept it in the first place."
kyung-jun meets your eyes once more, and the shape of them, paired with the tension between the space of his brows and his trembling lips, makes you take his hand within your own, slowly interlacing your fingers.
you squeeze once, then step back another step, tugging him along encouragingly with a gentle smile, "come on, i want to show you something."
kyung-jun silently trails behind you, and as you pass your violin and music bag, you pick both up with one hand. it's a bit heavy, and the weight of it makes the muscles of your arm scream in protest, but you ignore the discomfort in favor of leading him up the steps and through the venue doors, and finally, to the large auditorium where you recently played.
it's completely empty except for the janitor who picks up the trash left behind by the guests. quite simply, you're able to convince him to allow you the room for an extra fifteen minutes, and when the arrangements are made, you have kyung-jun sit in a seat towards the front.
"stay here. keep your eyes on me." you murmur quietly, turning around and rushing towards the stage. you unlatch the instrument and get into position, sending kyung-jun a cheeky smile before closing your eyes and dragging your bow across the strings.
for some reason, this performance feels more intimate than the one you gave in the music room. perhaps it's because of the setting. the fact that it's just the two of you in a large auditorium, his face the only one you see in the crowd. perhaps it's the implication behind the gesture itself. making kyung-jun's efforts to attend despite his difficulties not in vain, and a chance for you to mend your heart from the disappointment of him not being there in the first place. or perhaps, it's simply because when you open your eyes, and find kyung-jun's own, he looks at you like you could mean more to him that you'd ever believe.
when the last note plays, long and drawn out until sound ceases to exist, you flash him a big grin, rushing towards the front of the stage and sitting down on the edge. you place your violin neatly in your lap, tucking your hair behind your ears as you nervously stare at the ground.
"sorry it's not the best. this song is supposed to be played with the piano, but since this is pretty last minute, i-"
"don't do that. don't downgrade your abilities. fucking own up it." kyung-jun cuts in. not harshly, but firm nonetheless, ensuring that you take his words into careful consideration.
you smile, touched by the concern he tries to hide, "i take it you liked the performance then?"
instead of responding, kyung-jun nods, an unreadable expression passing over his face. you pat the space beside you, encouraging him to sit with you, and he hesitates only for a moment before standing up and joining you on stage.
his warmth is apparent as your legs press together, and you look down, calming the pounding of your heart as you brush your fingers over the polished wood of your violin. it's quiet for a long time, and you listen to kyung-jun as he breathes, a steady sound that puts you at ease.
kyung-jun is the one to break the tranquil silence, his voice low and soft, finally carrying the qualities of his character with his light, teasing tone, "did you make up that song too?"
you snort, "as if i could ever create something as great as chopin's first ballad," you quiet down your laughter, pulling delicately at the strings while reminiscing about a fond memory in the past, "my dad used to play that song all the time when i was younger. he's the one who got me into music. before bed, instead of reading me bedtime stories, he would pick up his violin and play a lullaby. it'd put me right to sleep."
kyung-jun motions with his head towards the violin in your lap, "did he buy it for you?"
"yeah. it was a gift for my sixth birthday. it was the last birthday present i got from him before he died," you feel kyung-jun grow rigid beside you, and you turn to face him, finding that his face is once again entirely unreadable. sensing that kyung-jun is no doubt conflicted over how to react to the piece of information you shared, you nudge him softly, "you don't have to look so serious. it happened a long time ago."
when he stays silent, you smile at him reassuringly, and finally, you feel him slowly relax.
suddenly, your phone buzzes from within your music bag, and you pull it out, eyes widening when you see the numerous missed calls and text messages from all of your friends. every single one of them is a different variation of asking for your whereabouts.
"shit." you mutter.
kyung-jun leans in closer, looking over your shoulder, "what is it?"
"i forgot that my mom is waiting for me outside," you turn to face him, feeling your lips pull down into a frown, "i'm sorry. i have to go now."
despite saying it out loud, however, your body doesn't move. you continue sitting there, staring at kyung-jun, drinking the sight of him in. slowly, a smile curls his lips, and he lets loose an amused chuckle, "shouldn't you get going then?"
"yeah," you sigh softly, remaining rooted in your spot, "but now that the moment is finally here, it's a lot harder than i imagined. i don't think i want to leave yet kyung-jun."
kyung-jun lets out a soft breath, partially in disbelief, the other half in amusement. before you can blink, he takes your phone from your hands and starts tapping away at the screen, handing it back several moments after. you tentatively take it in your hands, seeing the contacts app pulled up with his name and phone number saved.
"there. so you can always reach me. and this too," he reaches into his pocket, pulling out a small container of mango milk. he holds it out to you, his smile small but beautiful nonetheless, "your favorite."
the sight of the drink makes your chest feel fuzzy and warm, kyung-jun's consideration creating butterflies in your stomach. you take the drink, holding it in your hands and smiling brightly at the boy beside you, "thank you, kyung-jun. you're a good friend."
you know you have to go. it's a fact you can't escape, and you're acutely aware of the way your phone buzzes once more, yet another message telling you to hurry up. but just once, you let yourself be a little selfish. you allow yourself just several more seconds in his presence, where your universe is filled with only you and him, paths crossed, worlds colliding, until they part ways and meet again sometime in the future.
Notes:
i love this chapter so much because it is sooooo soft and vulnerable and AH they are so precious. if anyone is interested in what song reader played, it's chopin's ballade no.1 in g minor. i can't wait to share the next chapter, i think you can all guess what's happening next hehehehe. see you soon!
Chapter 11: nine
Notes:
okay so content warning there's a bit of underage drinking here. it's not like, a prominent thing and no one does anything stupid or dangerous but it's there. other than that this chapter is full of fluff and tension and i hope you guys enjoy hehehheeh.
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
9 MONTHS BEFORE THE ACCIDENT.
JUNE - AUGUST
as the days slowly creep by, june transitions into july, the heart of summer and your youth. during the first week of the month, you find yourself waking up before the sun, lugging a small suitcase down the road towards your school.
the morning is crisp, the sun barely peeking out over the horizon, making the sky a beautiful blend between golden yellow and dark blue. when you breathe in the air, there's a fresh quality to it, furthering the notion that the day will be filled with something new and exciting. you shuffle on your feet excitedly alongside your classmates, who slowly start to push their way into the bus parked outside the school gates.
jung-won and yoon-seo step on before you, and you follow in their footsteps as they cheerfully greet the bus driver and scan the open seats in the vehicle. jung-won, who leads your small trio, stops suddenly in the aisle. while you and yoon-seo stare at her with matching puzzled looks, the moment she turns, a mischievous glint hidden behind the large frames of her glasses, it doesn't take long for you to decipher the reason why. when you look over her shoulder, the sight of jun-hee sitting alone several seats down causes your own expression to transform into delight.
you nudge yoon-seo playfully, and this time, you're the one who gets to tease her about her crush, "hey, there's an open seat next to jun-hee. you should sit with him."
"what?" yoon-seo blinks, following the direction of your eyes. as soon as they land on the boy, she immediately turns away, her face flushed entirely red as she releases a nervous laugh, "i don't think-"
"yoon-seo, come on. this is your chance." you complain, trying to nudge her forward. but the girl plants her feet defiantly against the ground, not moving an inch despite your pestering.
"i'm sitting with jung-won. and jun-hee is probably saving that seat for someone." she mumbles quickly.
jung-won rolls her eyes, "yeah, for you."
hesitantly, she looks back in jun-hee's direction. your friend leans his head against the window, his expression peaceful and unbothered, staring quietly at the scene beyond the glass. the red on her face intensifies, and before you can stop her, she's sliding into the two open seats to the left of her with frantic urgency.
you share a look with jung-won, who appears both amused and exasperated. the two of you shake your head at the same time, not surprised in the slightest bit by her nervousness. though yoon-seo's crush on jun-hee has been ongoing for years now, her shy nature makes it pretty much impossible to make any progress despite your efforts. she longs for him from afar, unable to grasp the idea that he could like her back (despite it being obvious to everyone but her). jung-won releases a soft breath, before sliding into the seat next to yoon-seo, leaving you alone in the aisle.
you stare down the rows lining the bus, noting that a majority of the seats are already occupied. towards the back, heo-yool and his friends take up a large portion of the space, laughing loudly as they come up with a game to pass the time. your eyes drift towards the left side of the bus, spotting seung-bin and jin-ha two rows from the back. they meet your eyes, faces brightening as they quietly motion with their hands towards the row directly in front of them.
for sitting next to the window, the seat to his left unoccupied, is ko kyung-jun.
you smile, carefully weaving down the aisle with the intention of joining him at his side. as you reach the halfway point, however, someone's hand latches around your wrist. the sudden action gains your attention, causing you to stop abruptly in your movements. you turn, glancing down into hyun-ho's face with a quizzical stare.
"come sit with me." he murmurs quietly, a small smile present on his lips. his eyes are strange though. they are reflected with a sort of longing, a look hyun-ho has never before regarded you with. the sight of his pleading confuses you greatly, and you hesitate, only for a moment, before gently tugging your arm away from his grasp.
"i'm sorry. i already agreed to sit with someone else. maybe on the way back?" you smile apologetically, and hyun-ho's expression falls, his eyes slowly shifting towards the back of the bus. when they land on kyung-jun, something seems to click in his brain, and his entire demeanor changes. his eyes sharpen, a displeased frown pulling at his lips. but he doesn't say anything to coax you back.
as you walk down the rest of the aisle, you do your best to push the strange interaction towards the back of your mind. hyun-ho has been behaving rather odd lately, and while you're curious about the reason behind it, it's not an issue you want to dwell on at the moment. besides, when you pause beside kyung-jun, taking in the way his eyes widen slightly as he looks up from his phone, any thoughts related to hyun-ho swiftly disappears. 'he's cute when he's caught off guard.' you gesture to the seat beside him, smiling at him hesitantly.
"can i sit here?"
kyung-jun blinks at you, just once, taking in the nervous shuffle of your feet and the bashful expression on your face. slowly, a smile curls his lips, and he tips his head towards the empty seat, an indicator for you to take it. your smile grows bigger, and you sit down, your heart pounding excitedly in your chest.
it doesn't take long for the rest of your class to file into the bus and settle down into their seats. your teacher stands at the front of the bus, his loud voice announcing a few quick things regarding the journey ahead. but as soon as he finishes, he sits down, and the bus slowly starts rolling down the road. cheers erupt across the space, a large majority of the sound coming from the back, before it settles down into rushed chatter and distant laughter.
you pull out your phone, untangling the wires of your earbuds and plugging the cord in. when music starts to play in your ear, you turn towards kyung-jun. the boy sits quietly in his seat, one leg propped up, a neutral expression on his face as his eyes stare out the window. the sun has risen now, and the golden glow lays across his cheeks and eyes, making them appear a shade brighter in the light. you tap his shoulder, garnering his attention.
"do you wanna listen to music?" you ask, holding out the other earbud. kyung-jun looks at the object, switching between that and your eyes, before cautiously taking it in his hands and putting it in his ears. pleased, you face forward once more, closing your eyes and humming softly to the tune.
the rumble of the engine. the steady motions of the bus moving. the music in your ears. all of these sound and feelings paired with kyung-jun's warmth at your side calms you. you lean back against your seat, feeling every inch of your muscles relax against the soft cushions. it doesn't take long for your mind to quiet down as well, and for sleep to pull you away into its inviting arms.
-
"-so freaking loud."
"hey, tell them to-"
"-trying to sleep!"
jin-ha's loud voice, paired with the bus hitting a particular bump, finally causes you to stir. you shift slightly in your seat, face twitching as consciousness slowly returns. you're vaguely aware of the warmth pressed against your cheek. the fact that your earbuds are no longer in your ears, as if someone took them out before you slipped into a dream. there's the familiar scent of cologne and clean laundry coming from right beside you. lazily, you flutter your eyes open, glancing around in slight confusion, slowly taking in your current position.
at some point while you were sleeping, your head ended up falling against kyung-jun's shoulder, and your hands, which were holding your phone, slipped down onto the seat, pressing against the back of kyung-jun's own. his fingers twitch, bringing the appendages closer, and you feel that familiar shock run down your spine, your heart picking up in speed. you're struck with the sudden urge to take his hand into your own and never let go.
you groggily sit up, blinking away the drowsiness still coating your mind, before shifting your attention to kyung-jun's face. he's already staring at you, and for a moment, your heart skips a beat inside your chest, laid pliant beneath his consideration.
"sorry. i didn't mean to fall asleep on you." you smile tiredly, releasing a small yawn shortly after you speak. a part of you feels a little embarrassed by doing so, but another part of you is secretly pleased by the fact. for when you examine kyung-jun's features, it is carefully constructed into a blank expression, but the fact remains that he doesn't seem particularly upset about it.
kyung-jun releases a soft breath, "it's fine. go back to sleep."
you shake your head in refusal. since waking up, your energy has steadily returned to your body, making your mind buzz with activity. besides, if you continued sleeping the day away, you wouldn't be able to do so at night, "it's okay, i'm already awake. are we almost there?"
"the teacher said we should arrive in about an hour."
you sigh, leaning back into your seat, "i'm so excited," you mumble happily, feeling anticipation stir in your stomach. it feels similar to the feeling one gets before going on a ride at the amusement park, "hey, seung-bin and jin-ha were telling me you also signed up for the aquarium. i'm pretty surprised. didn't feel like hiking?"
"in this fucking heat?" kyung-jun mutters, causing you to laugh. you had the exact same thought process when making your decision.
"true. are there any animals you want to see in particular?"
he thinks for a moment before shrugging, "probably a shark."
'fitting', you think, "i want to see the otters. oh, and the jellyfish. i was looking at pictures online, and their set up is super cool. hey," you lean in closer, peering into kyung-jun's face excitedly, "let's go see them together."
"i want to go too!" seung-bin exclaims suddenly, shooting to his feet. the bus goes over another bump, making the boy lose his balance. he lets out a surprised yell, hurriedly gripping the back of your seat for support.
kyung-jun scowls, "idiot, sit down." but there's no denying the slight twitch at the corners of his lips, threatening to form into a smile.
the boy sheepishly settles back down into his seat, and you laugh at the embarrassed look on his face, unable to quiet the gentle shakes of your body.
the rest of the bus ride is filled with different notes of joy, ranging from quiet giggles to laughter so intense you can barely breathe. around you, your classmates engage in similar conversations. the back of the bus has taken upon themselves to host a small game of mafia, and distantly you hear eun-ha and heo-yool arguing over who is the culprit, their bickering raising in volume the more it continues. the front of the bus is more quiet, a majority of your classmates either sleeping or scrolling through their phones, your own friends a part of the bunch.
by the time you arrive to the hotel, it's barely afternoon, and each of you step out of the vehicle with either sluggish movements or barely contained excitement. when your feet hit the ground, you stretch your arms towards the sky, feeling a bit of relief by the strain of your muscles. you then direct your footsteps towards the side of the bus where your luggage awaits.
you peer down into the compartment, frowning when you see your blue luggage pushed all the way towards the back. you lean in, reaching for the handle and pulling as hard as you can. you're successful in shifting it a couple inches in your direction, but it's a lot heavier than you remember, and the effort quickly tires you out. you grunt slightly in frustration when it struggles to move any further as a result of your exhaustion.
you feel someone come up behind you, and before you can react, ko kyung-jun is leaning down and pulling your suitcase out with unbothered ease. he places it on the ground and pulls the latch up, swinging his own duffel bag over the top before turning towards you.
"come on, let's go." he says, titling his head towards the direction where the rest of your class stands, motioning for you to follow. you numbly nod your head in response, trailing after him as he rolls the suitcase across the concrete without another word. for some reason, his nonchalance about the simple act of chivalry makes your face feel hot, and not because of the sun beating down against your skin.
"alright everyone!" your teacher's authoritative tone makes everyone quiet down, awaiting his announcement, "you have fifteen minutes to drop off your things and bring whatever you need for today's activities. we'll meet back here and separate into two groups. go on, hurry up. countdown starts now."
all at once, your classmates rush to the front doors of the hotel, the sound of pounding footsteps and rolling suitcases filling the otherwise quiet hotel lobby. students try to squeeze their way into the same elevator, laughing when elbows bump into unsuspecting bodies and urgent yells are shouted to create space. when you reach the third floor, everyone stumbles out with stifled laughter, running down the hall, and you hear the sounds of doors opening and exclamations of wonder.
"what room are you in?" kyung-jun asks, and you point to a door several feet away.
"this one, right here." you continue walking, pausing in front of your room. from beyond it, you can hear voices inside, no doubt belonging to your roommates. you turn towards kyung-jun, who is already slinging his duffel bag over his shoulder and releasing the handle of your suitcase, "thank you. i'll see you later?"
he nods, just slightly, and a small grin curls his lips, "yeah."
you return the expression, and when kyung-jun doesn't make any motions indicating his departure, you turn towards the door, twisting the handle and stepping inside. before you close it behind you, however, you send kyung-jun one last look, feeling your heart flutter in your chest, before pulling it shut.
-
"let's go see the turtles first!"
yoon-seo loops her arms through jung-won's own, her footsteps rushed, forcing the girl to match her strides. jung-won, undeterred by the sudden change in pace, keeps her eyes trained on her phone, which has a map of the aquarium displayed on the screen, "the turtles are on the other side of the aquarium. we should work our way around following this path, that way we can see everything in a timely manner."
"you planned this all out, didn't you jung-won?" you muse lightly, falling into step beside her and looping your own arm around her other one.
while her face remains neutral, generally untouched, you notice her cheeks turn a light shade of pink in mild embarrassment, "i just want to be efficient."
"nah, i think you were excited, huh?"
at your teasing, jung-won releases a huff, turning her attention back towards her phone with newfound vigor. despite her annoyance, there's a smile slowly forming on her lips, and when you and yoon-seo nudge her playfully once more, it spreads fully across her face, followed by a small laugh.
the three of you stick to jung-won's carefully curated plan, slowly going through each part of the aquarium according to the path she created. as you venture into different parts of the building, you cycle through a variety of reactions. you pause to take pictures when warranted, snapping photos of swimming ducks and waddling penguins. you gush over the otters lounging lazily on rocks, their fuzzy faces eliciting a feeling akin to mild, playful aggression. when you reach the shark tank, you stand motionlessly, staring silently in wonder at the hundreds of fishes swimming around in tanks, lips parted and eyes wide.
hyun-ho, dong-hyun and jun-hee are not present during your adventure, for they decided to sign up for the hike, and you're almost positive na-hee tagged along, too. as for kyung-jun, seung-bin and jin-ha, they entered the aquarium at a later time, and you've yet to run into either of them.
when you finally reach the turtle exhibit, yoon-seo rushes over to the glass with a large smile plastered on her face, her wide eyes swiftly scanning each animal with a hint of amazement. she crouches down, inspecting the reptile swimming near the edge of the glass, and you see jung-won snap a photo of the girl on her phone, no doubt intending to send it to jun-hee later on.
"she's gonna be here for a while, huh?" you ask jung-won, who releases a soft breath, her version of a laugh.
"i already fit it in the schedule," she turns to face you, "you wanted to see the jellyfish, right? they're in the room next door. i'll stay here with yoon-seo."
at the mention of the animal, you straighten, nodding your head eagerly, "i'll meet up with you guys later then."
you step around the various children and visitors in the room, walking beneath a tunnel surrounded by water and various fishes, sharks and plants. when you reach the end, the room you enter is dark, lit only by the soft glow of jellyfish swimming in various containers. there are hundreds of them, all different colors, floating slowly through the clear blue water.
you slowly step through the room, turning around in aimless circles as you take in the sight before you. the pictures you saw online don't do it justice. there's something about seeing it in person, taking in the purple glow with your own eyes, that creates a special feeling that cannot be named nor described, something that can't easily be replicated by a digital device. it's exactly why you don't take out your phone to snap photos. instead, you engrave each part of the room into your memory until you can recall it as vividly as it appears.
a particular tank catches your eyes, and you step towards it, finding the peculiar shape of it an astonishing sight. it sits in the center of the room, tall enough that when you stand in front of it, you don't have to lean down to fully inspect the creatures inside. these jellyfish are a lot smaller than the rest, appearing more like blobs, but their colors are just as bright. your eyes trail across them, fascinated that such things exist in this world, and you are here, seeing them first hand.
there's a shift of movement at the other side of the tank, another body leaning forward to see the small fishes more clearly. when you look past the blobs of purple and the clear blue water, you recognize kyung-jun as the figure beyond the glass.
he hasn't spotted you yet, so you seize the moment and take him in, a version of himself not influenced by the presence of others. there's something soft about the way his eyes follow the fishes, his lips slightly parted in awe, every inch of his features calm and unguarded. the purple light glows softly across his face, and it's so beautiful, the color upon his features, that you feel an ache form between the space of your ribs. a feeling of disbelief that kyung-jun is real, breathing and alive, and you're lucky enough to lay your eyes upon him. you wish he looked like that more often. unchanged by his acrimony, appearing soft and vulnerable in the light.
you feel selfish then, how desperately you're seized by the unfiltered want in your body. you want to hold him tight, to feel the security of his presence around you, the warmth of his skin against your own. you want to hold his hand, wipe the blood from his knuckles and press your lips against the wounds, to treat him so gently he'll never feel hurt again. you want him to let you in fully, so you can have every part of himself, every version he hides and displays.
kyung-jun finally looks up, and you love it, the way his expression changes. he looks startled at first, like he wasn't expecting you to be there, blinking as if the image of you on the other side is a figment of his imagination. then it transforms into something else, something you can't accurately describe, but it borders the line of being affectionate. the corners of his lips are curling up into a smile, and you find yourself mimicking the action, that warm feeling in your chest intensifying, consuming you entirely.
you step around the tank, standing right beside him, close enough to press your arm against his, "funny running into you here. it must be fate."
kyung-jun tilts his head at you, his eyes reflected brightly with his amusement, "you stalking me again?"
"i'm the one who wanted to see the jellyfish. i think you're the one stalking me."
a chuckle is released from his throat, and you grin, turning your attention back towards the tank. the jellyfish are all clustered together now, creating an even brighter glow, and once again you're hit with a rush of emotions associated with the sight.
"they're beautiful, aren't they?" you whisper wistfully.
you feel kyung-jun shift to look at you, and he's quiet for several moments before breathing out in a low voice, "yeah. they are."
"you know, jellyfish live forever. when they get sick or grow old, they reduce their cells into the adolescent stage, and the process repeats."
"would you want to live forever?"
you consider his question for a moment, pursing your lips, before shaking your head, "i don't think so. right now, i'm focused on living my life as happily as possible."
this time, you're the one shifting your body to look into kyung-jun's face, recalling the words he will write down on that note sometime in the future. his words are always with you, lingering in the back of your mind, repeating like a song in your heart. live a full and happy life.
'i think it's possible with you, kyung-jun. when i'm with you, i'm the happiest, and my days feel full, like there's nothing i could possibly want more than to be by your side.'
-
the small town near the beach is a dainty location, harboring an array of seafood restaurants and small souvenir shops. as you walk through the pebbled paths with yoon-seo and jung-won, you can smell the salty sea in the air, and the breeze that ruffles your hair is a relief against the humidity.
"this place looks cute." yoon-seo points to a small shop wedged between two restaurants. through the window, you can see an array of handcrafted figures made of clay and glass, representing different sea animals and seashells.
"sure, let's have a look." jung-won agrees, leading the two of you inside.
when you enter, a soft bell rings in your ears, and an older lady at the front counter looks up. she greets you all with a smile, waving her hand to usher you in, "hello! come in come in. do you ladies need help finding anything?"
"we're just looking around." you respond.
"well, everything you see here is made by my daughter and i. we use clay from the ocean and sea glass to make everything." she says, motioning towards the various shelves around the shop holding her work.
"everything here is so beautiful." yoon-seo mumbles, her tone coated in her wonder.
the woman smiles, "thank you dear. let me know if you need anything."
the three of you venture to different parts of the store, pulled by different objects within. while yoon-seo looks at the handmade turtle statues, jung-won inspects the seashells, mumbling something about the authenticity of it. you, on the other hand, gravitate towards a wall filled with keychains, containing smaller versions of the animal statues.
your eyes catch a beautiful shade of purple, and when you lean down to inspect it, you notice with great delight that it's a jellyfish, not unlike the ones you saw at the aquarium. this one, of course, is not shaped like a formless blob, but rather, has long, wavy tentacles and a round head. you pick it up, holding it to the light, seeing it shimmer when the sun catches the pearls reflection. you find yourself thinking back to just an hour previously, the way kyung-jun looked beneath the luminescent light.
"oh, it's beautiful," yoon-seo breathes, brushing her fingers delicately over the pearls as she comes up behind you, "are you going to get it?"
you hum lightly in confirmation, staring at the object for a second longer before grabbing a second keychain.
"why two?" yoon-seo asks as you walk to the front counter.
"i want to give the other to kyung-jun."
something shifts in her expression, and when she smiles, there's a knowing look reflected in her eyes, "you two have gotten close over the months."
"yeah. he's really dear to me." you mumble shyly, feeling heat rush to your cheeks when you say it out loud. but it's true, and you don't have any intention of taking the words back. it feels good to say it. like confirming something your heart knew long before your mind did.
when you leave the shop, the three of you venture towards the outskirts of town, stopping by a railing that overlooks the sea. in about an hour, you have to meet up at the hotel to check in with your teacher, and from there, the entire class will spend the rest of the evening by the ocean, doing whatever your hearts desired.
but for now, you spend the rest of your remaining time with your friends, watching in amusement as yoon-seo gazes out into the sea, the wind ruffling her long black hair and carrying her laughter beyond the horizon. you turn towards jung-won, who gives you a nod, and you reach into your bag and pull out a small box, opening the lid to reveal a singular cupcake. she reaches into her own bag, pulling out a candle, and you use a lighter to create a flame.
"happy birthday to you," you and jung-won sing in unison, the chorus of your voices causing yoon-seo to turn around. when her eyes land on the cupcake and your smiling faces, her eyes soften, a tender emotion apparent on her features as you step closer, holding the cupcake out in front of her, "happy birthday to you. happy birthday to yoon-seo, happy birthday to you."
when the last note is sung, yoon-seo claps her hands together, shifting on her feet excitedly.
"go on. make a wish." jung-won urges, and yoon-seo closes her eyes for a brief moment before leaning forward and blowing the candle out.
"did you two plan this?" she asks, playfully narrowing her eyes in suspicion.
"you know we couldn't miss your birthday. it may be our senior trip, but today is still your special day." you say.
yoon-seo looks at the two of you then, and when she speaks, her voice is wobbly and coated with emotion. she gets up, pulling the two of you into a hug at the same time, "i love you guys."
"okay, don't get all sappy on us now," jung-won chuckles, patting the girl's back reassuringly. when yoon-seo pulls away, she reaches one final time into her bag, pulling out a small box, "here. your birthday present."
"oh, wait! mine too mine too!" you exclaim, bringing out the neatly wrapped gifts and presenting them to her proudly.
yoon-seo laughs, taking both objects in her hands. as she opens each gift and expresses her pure, unfiltered reactions, you watch the scene unfold before you with a blooming warmth in your chest. yoon-seo and jung-won's presence in your life has always been a stable one. a constant variable, undeterred by external forces. you're grateful that no matter the timeline, no matter the choices you make, they will always be there by your side, and you wouldn't want it any other way.
-
the sand you sit upon is warm, heated by the sun blaring from the sky. when you pick it up, it's as soft as you imagined, slipping through your fingers towards the ground in a delicate manner. beside you, yoon-seo is smoothing down the structure of your sandcastle, while na-hee uses a red, plastic shovel to dig a small pit around your creation. your own hands use a small stick to create little lines across the sand, giving it the illusion of cobblestone bricks.
"okay, i think we can start putting in water for the moat." na-hee announces, leaning back and using the back of her hand to wipe the sweat from her brow.
sensing an opportunity, you pick up the matching red bucket, pushing yourself to your feet, "i'll go get it."
as soon as you leave the shade of the umbrella, the heat intensifies, a harsh warmth against your skin. each step you take is a bit wobbly at first, your shoes sinking down into the sand, making your efforts to move both slow and sluggish. but as soon as you reach the shore, the sand hardens, still wet from the waves of the ocean.
you crouch down, using the bucket to scoop up a handful of water. when it touches your fingers, you flinch a little at the sudden cold temperature, silently reminding yourself to be careful so you don't fall in or get too close. the last thing you need is to shiver in wet clothes with no way of drying off until you return to the hotel.
just as you chant the words in your mind, a splash of cold water hits you on your side. it's not a lot, but it's enough to shock you into screaming and shuffling away, eyes frantically searching for the source. unsurprisingly, the snickers ringing in your ears comes from kyung-jun, who straightens when your eyes land upon his own, noting the mischievous glint in his eyes.
"yah, ko kyung-jun," you mutter, eyes sharp and your tone creeping into something dangerous, "do you have a death wish?"
instead of responding, kyung-jun's laughter increases, and the sight of his curled lips, his carefree attitude, makes your heart pound in your chest and a flicker of annoyance to stir in your stomach. you pick up the bucket, stepping towards him, and kyung-jun realizes rather quickly what your intention is. he breaks off at a run, and you huff in frustration, sprinting after him.
"yah! get back here!"
kyung-jun laughs even harder, pumping his legs faster, and you have no choice but to respond in turn. every so often, he'll glance over his shoulder, almost taunting you with the way he'll slow down and pick up speed again, taking delight in your struggle. the water in the bucket sloshes around due to your movements, despite you being careful, and a large portion of it splashes into your arms, just as freezing cold as before. but it doesn't take long for you to ignore the exasperation you feel towards him. for the moment, running across the shore in breathless laughter, chasing each other, it's hard to deny how perfect it feels.
it's apparent when kyung-jun starts to get tired. instead of running, he resorts to stepping out of range when you get too close, using his height to create distance between you rather quickly. you narrow your eyes at him, a frown forming on your lips, which only further motivates kyung-jun's amusement.
"getting tired?" you tease, breathing just as heavily as he does, and while your stamina isn't as great as kyung-jun's, you're faster, so it's easy to dash forward the moment he stops to catch his breath.
just as you reach him, your foot gets caught in a mound in the sand, causing you to lose your balance. you let out a surprised scream, barreling forward, and kyung-jun only has a moment to widen his eyes before your body slams into his own. the impact sends the both of you backwards, right into the water, pulling you underneath for a brief second before you're sitting up straight.
you blink, shivering in the cold waves, feeling your clothes stick to your skin and your hair plaster to your face. kyung-jun is in a similar state, his entire face bewildered, perhaps even a bit annoyed as he shakes the water out of his hair and pushes the strands back with his hand. water droplets slide down his face, past his chin, and the sight of him drenched from head to toe causes laughter to burst out of your throat.
"oh my god, you should see your face." you cackle, holding your stomach as your entire body shakes with your giggles.
kyung-jun scowls, rolling his eyes as he stands up, "my face? you should see yours."
you push yourself to your feet as well, "hey, you started it."
"and now look what happened. we're both soaked."
you copy his movement of rolling your eyes, lifting up your hands and signing offhandedly, 'you're an idiot.'
kyung-jun laughs in disbelief, "yah. did you just call me an idiot?"
you blink, not registering his words until a second after, "huh? how'd you know that?"
"hey! guys! smile for the photo!"
you both turn, spotting your teacher several feet away, holding up a polaroid camera in the air. you're struck with the sudden realization that this is it. this is the moment that started it all, slowly unraveling the events that follow your life as time passes by. you look at kyung-jun, the boy who saved you, your friend, someone you hold a special place for in your heart.
so you don't hesitate as you step closer, pressing your body against his own, holding up a peace sign while grinning brightly in the direction of the camera. he snaps the photo, looking down at the device briefly before holding up his hand with a thumbs up. you shift your attention to kyung-jun, who looks down at you in surprise, something inexplainable reflected in his eyes. you quickly realize he never changed his position for the photo.
"hey, you didn't pose." you frown, slightly disappointed.
kyung-jun blinks, quickly snapping out of his shock. he lifts up his head and shouts across the beach, "teacher! take another one!"
your teacher smiles, nodding his head and holding up the camera once more. this time, kyung-jun mimics your peace sign, only he holds it just behind your head, his lips curled into his signature foxlike smirk. you laugh softly to yourself, just as amused, before turning back towards the camera and grinning broadly in its direction.
you and kyung-jun walk back towards your belongings, still dripping wet, leaving a trail of water droplets in the sand. every time a breeze blows harshly against your skin, you shiver, feeling cold from the way your clothes stick to your frame. you rub your hands against your upper arms hurriedly to create heat, then cup your palms against your mouth, blowing hot air against your skin. you don't notice kyung-jun leaning down and shaking the sand out of his green windbreaker, not until you feel the weight of the clothing on your body when he lays it over your shoulders.
"oh. thank you." you mumble, feeling a mixture of surprise and shyness at the gesture. you pull the jacket closer over your body, hit with kyung-jun's familiar scent, the gentle warmth.
instead of responding, kyung-jun just stares at you silently, his eyes roaming across your face and body, something unreadable shifting in his expression. his ears turn a dark shade of red, and he quickly looks away, his eyes pinpointed to a certain spot on the sand, bearing the brunt of his hard set gaze. you watch the change in his demeanor with a hint of puzzlement, but don't question his behavior as you sit down on the sand, listening to the waves crash against the shore and inhaling the sea breeze in the air. several seconds later, kyung-jun joins you, and you watch the horizon as the sun slowly starts sinking towards the ground.
-
"hey, is this really okay?"
yoon-seo's hushed voice, hesitant, with a small note of anticipation, tickles the shell of your ear. she stands behind you, followed by jung-won, and both girls await your signal as you peek around the doorframe and check if anyone is in the hallway.
"sure it is." you say reassuringly, cautiously stepping out and motioning for them to follow.
"but curfew already passed. won't we get in trouble?" yoon-seo whispers.
"the teacher won't find out. i saw him drinking a bottle of soju at dinner with the rest of the staff. he'll be knocked out until the morning." you whisper back.
"are the teachers even supposed to be drinking on a school trip?" jung-won asks.
"we're seniors, they don't care enough to follow the rules. as long as no one dies or gets injured they are happy." you grin, reaching eun-ha's door and knocking softly against the wood. you wait for a moment, feeling yoon-seo shift anxiously from behind you, and it takes a couple seconds longer before your classmate opens the door and ushers the three of you inside.
all four of you giggle as the door closes, greeting the rest of your class inside the room. almost the entire class is here, except for a select few, and everyone gathers in the center of the room, sitting in a tight circle. the table which previously sat in the middle has been pushed back against the wall, holding a variety of drinks and snacks. within the small crowd, jun-hee, dong-hyun and hyun-ho shift over to make space, and the three of you settle down.
heo-yool suddenly stands up, holding something within his jacket. the suspiciously large lump does not go unnoticed by the rest of your friends, but no one comments on it as he gains everyone's attention and starts to speak, "everyone! i want to make an announcement. as seniors, i think it's a rite of passage for us to celebrate this trip in only one way."
"heo-yool, what are you up to?" eun-ha asks suspiciously, crossing her arms over her chest.
the boy merely grins, glancing around the room to build anticipation. finally, he pulls out the object hidden in his sweater, revealed to be a rather large bottle of alcohol.
eun-ha gasps, "where did you even get that?"
"i know a guy." heo-yool replies simply, feeling smug as the room erupts into excited chatter.
"give it to me," eun-ha reaches for the bottle, holding it in her arms as she inspects it, "wow, this is legit, huh?"
"let's play a drinking game!" min-a suggests loudly, causing the rest of your classmates to erupt into cheers.
"apartment game?"
"yeah yeah!"
"hold on guys," jun-hee cuts in, appearing worried as he eyes the bottle of alcohol suspiciously, "i don't know if this is a good idea."
"come on class president. live a little. its our senior trip. please?" heo-yool whines, clasping his hands together as he sends him a pleading look. one by one, everyone else mimics heo-yool's tactics, whining and pouting excessively until jun-hee's resolve wavers.
he sighs, "okay okay fine. but in moderation."
"fuck yeah!" heo-yool cheers, taking the bottle back from eun-ha and holding it up, "who's first?"
for the next hour, you cycle through a variety of drinking games, the passion in your voices blending together in a chorus of cheers and laughter. jung-won, jun-hee and yoon-seo don't participate in any drinking, surveying the scene to ensure it doesn't get out of hand. but the rest of you chant the words of the game, slapping your hands against your knees and thumping your feet on the ground.
each time it is your turn to take a sip, you tip your head back and allow the alcohol to burn down your throat, twisting your face in disgust at the foreign taste. you've never gone drinking before, and in the original timeline of this exact moment, you opted out of participating in heo-yool's antics. instead, you sat in the corner with your friends, watching the scene unfold. but you figured there was no harm in having a little bit of fun, and you've always been curious what it would be like to get drunk.
when your mind starts to feel a little fuzzy, a knock comes at the door, and eun-ha, the soberest out of everyone so far (having won the most games) stumbles to open it. at the other side, seung-bin, jin-ha and kyung-jun stand outside, the sight of them causing everyone to quiet down into both shock and annoyance.
"what the fuck. is this a party in here?" seung-bin asks, peering inside.
eun-ha scowls, pushing him back, "get out. we don't wanna deal with your shit right now."
"come on, you guys didn't even invite us." jin-ha whines.
"for good reason." she bites back, moving to close the door. hurriedly, you stumble to your feet, stepping towards eun-ha and placing a hand on her shoulder to stop her from closing the door.
"wait! eun-ha. let's give them a chance. they'll behave, right guys?" you turn to look at the three boys, accentuating the last part of your sentence with a serious note. seung-bin and jin-ha eagerly nod in confirmation, while kyung-jun releases a short breath.
"yes! we even come bearing gifts." seung-bin announces, pulling out yet another bottle of alcohol.
eun-ha's eyes widen, "no way," she mumbles, before plastering a smile on her face and motioning for them to enter, "okay, you guys can come in."
seung-bin and jin-ha grin in triumph, stepping into the room and holding the bottle above their heads. your classmates cheer, ushering them to sit down, already trying to pull the bottle open. when the door clicks shut and eun-ha hurries over to join the commotion, you turn towards kyung-jun, grinning at him brightly.
"i'm so happy you're here," you exclaim, pulling him into a hug. kyung-jun freezes beneath your touch, but you hardly notice as you mumble against the fabric of his shirt, "i missed you."
"have you been drinking?" he asks when you pull back, lifting an eyebrow in question.
you giggle, holding up your hand and pinching your fingers together, "just a little. is it noticeable?" you suddenly frown, pressing the back of your hand against your face. sure enough, it's a lot warmer than it was before, but you figured it must've been a product of the tightly packed space, "come on, let's go sit down."
you take his hand, not allowing him to protest as you drag him over to the circle. the only empty spot available is beside jin-ha, which only has room for one person, so you motion for him to settle down before crossing the circle and taking your spot between dong-hyun and hyun-ho.
the rest of the night goes by in a blur. more alcohol is passed around, and it doesn't take long for your mind to grow foggy and for a pleasant heat to spread across your face, flushing your cheeks. it's weird, you start to think, the effect alcohol has on different people.
while you hum a soft tune beneath your breath, swaying side to side as you blink sleepily at your classmates, hyun-ho leans back on his hands, laughing at seemingly nothing, quieter now that the alcohol has hit him. as for dong-hyun, he takes it upon himself to be the loudest out of the three of you, his words slurred and his volume so loud it rings in your ears, blaring like a trumpet.
heo-yool and eun-ha are now the drunkest out of everyone, laying on the floor, on the verge of passing out. seung-bin and jin-ha engage in a game of arm wrestling, trying to see who is stronger under the influence, their attempts halfhearted at best.
as for kyung-jun, he sits quietly in his seat, his eyes dazed, barely open, and the red flush on his cheeks is especially prominent. he looks cute like that, fighting to stay as alert as possible, but it's obvious that the alcohol is starting to have an effect on him, too. you think about going over to him, hit with the sudden urge to pull him into a hug and fall asleep surrounded by his warmth.
suddenly, kyung-jun stumbles to his feet, swaying for a moment before stepping around your classmates and pausing at the door leading to the balcony. he slides the door open, disappearing behind the curtain, and no one stops him, too preoccupied on their own activities. perhaps they don't even notice that he's gone.
but you do.
you notice the absence of his presence. his lack of space in this world. the alcohol rushing through your own veins makes you bolder, following whatever selfish desires spring to mind, like a calling that is hard to ignore. you push yourself to your feet, but you don't get to take even a single step before someone stops you.
hyun-ho's fingers around your wrist are firm, and when you look down at him, it's easy to spot his hazy eyes and concerned expression, "where are you going?"
"to kyung-jun." you reply simply, truthfully, not afraid to voice your wants out loud.
hyun-ho furrows his eyebrows, and you feel his grip tighten, "why?"
"because i want to."
hyun-ho searches your face, and something changes in his eyes. there's a vulnerability there, a strong pleading, and his voice is coated with the same strange emotion, "don't go. don't go to him."
you mirror his earlier confusion, and conflict arises in your chest. you get the feeling that this whole situation is wrong, but you can't pinpoint why, "hyun-ho, you're being weird."
"please." he murmurs, barely loud enough to be coherent, but you catch it nonetheless, especially the desperation in his tone.
you look back at the open balcony door, then down at your friend, and it becomes clear which want is stronger than the other. the song is calling out to you again, coming from outside, and you can't ignore it any longer, "i'm sorry."
something pained passes over his expression, and hyun-ho's fingers slip from your wrist, falling limply on the floor. you turn around, resuming your previous journey, not once looking back.
when you step through the door, the cool night air hits you instantly, and you sigh a little at the relief it brings to your heated cheeks. you sit down beside kyung-jun, bringing your knees up to your chest, and tip your head back.
"my face feels so hot." you mumble, reaching up and patting your cheeks with your hands. then, you press your palms flat against your face, feeling the heat from beneath your fingertips.
"that's what happens when you drink." kyung-jun mumbles softly, his own words coming out a bit slurred. it makes you giggle, insistently, and it becomes hard to stop.
"have you ever been drunk before?" you ask suddenly.
kyung-jun shrugs, staring down at his shoes with an indifferent expression, "a couple of times."
you hum absentmindedly, "this is my first time. it feels funny."
"i can tell. you shouldn't have had so much. or so quickly."
"i got excited," you say, closing your eyes for a brief moment, allowing the silence to consume you. your brain, while foggy, runs through various thoughts in your mind, and you're struck with a sudden realization, standing up straighter with a start, "oh! i got you something." you clumsily reach into your pocket, pulling out the jellyfish keychain you bought earlier. you proudly hold it out to kyung-jun, allowing the pearls to shine under the fluorescent lights, "cute, right? i got it so you can always remember this day."
kyung-jun stares at you quietly for a moment before lifting one side of his mouth into a smile, shaking his head softly. he reaches over, brushing his fingers against your own as he makes to grab the object.
but then, the boy's entire demeanor shifts. it changes so suddenly you don't realize what is happening, and it doesn't help that your drunken state makes you process things at a much slower rate. it's not until the smile slips from his face and his eyes narrow in disbelief, that you realize his hands are latched around your wrist, holding it up and inspecting the bracelet decorating your skin.
"where did you get this?" kyung-jun says, a bit urgently, as if is it crucial that you answer.
you glance at the wish bracelet, staring at it fondly as you recall your past. the truth slips past your lips without a single afterthought, "from you."
kyung-jun shifts back, appearing entirely confused, "i didn't give this to you."
you huff, frustrated that he doesn't understand and the fact that you have to explain. distantly, you hear a voice in the back of your mind telling you to stop, that it's not the right time yet, but you ignore it, "not the you right now. the you in the future."
"the future?" he repeats. his fingers slip away from your wrist, and the way kyung-jun stares at you, you know he doesn't believe you. of course, you expected that, but with the alcohol clouding your mind, you can't find it in yourself to stop. you lean in closer, lowering your voice to a soft murmur.
"to be honest, i came here from there. the future i mean."
kyung-jun flits his eyes across each of your own, and when he speaks, his voice comes out shaky, "why?"
"because you're my friend. you're the person who saved my life. who encouraged me to live," you flutter your eyes close, allowing the warmth washing over your entire body to consume you entirely, "all of it was you."
you wonder if this is how it was always meant to turn out. kyung-jun's life and your own connected in a way you can't even begin to comprehend. tightly interwoven, influencing each other and the course of your paths. you find the notion to be comforting. how lucky you are to have the chance to know him.
kyung-jun abruptly stands, causing you to snap your eyes open and stare at him in bewilderment. he shifts, hesitant, and you furrow your brows, clumsily pushing yourself to your feet as well.
"where are you going?"
"i think it's about time you go to sleep."
"i don't want to sleep. i want to stay here with you. kyung-jun," forming his name on your tongue feels right, and you wish to repeat it, like a prayer, longing for things you can't explain. you reach out, taking his hand, peering up into his eyes, "please don't go. stay with me."
kyung-jun sucks in a sharp breath, glancing between your face and your joined hands. he closes his eyes, appearing conflicted as his voices come out in a ragged croak, "sometimes i wonder if you do it on purpose."
"do what on purpose?"
"look at me like that. say those sorts of things."
you step closer, lowering your voice to a soft murmur, "why? does it make you nervous? do i make you weak, kyung-jun?" he leans back, averting his gaze, and you grin, bringing up your other hand and brushing your fingers against his ears, "your ears are red, and you won't look me in the eyes. i must be right."
"stop that." he mutters, his tone bordering the line between something pained and restrained.
you huff out a quiet laugh, "i don't want to. it's hard to resist teasing you when you look so cute all flustered."
kyung-jun swallows thickly, releasing a shaky breath through his nose. it's endearing, you think, how nervous he is right now. it makes you want to lean in, press your lips against his skin, unraveling each part of him until he has no choice but to give in.
while the thoughts run rampant in your mind, kyung-jun takes a step back, tugging you through the door, "come on, let's go."
he pulls you along, and you follow him blindly, not caring where he leads you as long as you stick together. as you pass by your classmates, they don't spare the two of you a second glance, so it's easy to slip out the door and go down the hall. it's quiet, and you look at the back of kyung-jun's head, acutely aware of the warmth of his palm in your own, his even strides. the sound he makes as he walks, a drum against the earth.
when you reach your door, kyung-jun opens it for you, tipping his head towards the inside, motioning for you to go in. but you can't find it in yourself to move. you stare at him, blinking through your drunken haze, but the feelings in your chest are real, and they are hard to ignore.
you've noticed the shift in your being. how a certain emotion sits comfortably in your body, brought upon by the boy before you. perhaps they're new, nurtured like a flower in the spring, blooming to life with each second you spend in his presence. or perhaps it's always been there, lingering in the back of your mind, awaiting the moment it can finally feel the touch of the sun.
but the fact is, ko kyung-jun means more to you than you initially realized. more than words can describe. more than numbers can quantify. it cannot be contained in such a space. it's never ending, a relentless feeling that consumes you entirely, body and soul, a fundamental fact of the universe. this feeling in your heart, the song it creates, it's the way it should've always been. in every time line, in every universe, traveling through the future and past.
"kyung-jun. i think you were right."
he pauses, staring down at you with a questioning glance, "about what?"
you smile, fluttering your eyes shut as you listen to the rhythm of your heart, breathing out the words in a singular, breathless murmur, "i think i like you."
Notes:
man, what a cliffhanger am i right? would you guys be mad if i suddenly disappeared and left you all hanging...?
just kidding lol that would be cruel but you guys will have to wait to find out what kyung-jun's response to this is HAHAHAH, other than that though, i got butterflies writing the drunk scene. reader being super bold while kyung-jun is a flustered mess is just so cute i love them. i seriously love this chapter so much. might just be my favorite so far (i say that about all the chapters) anyways ill see you guys soon with part two of the beach trip mwah love you all.
Chapter 12: ten
Notes:
sorry this is so late i would've came out sooner but the plague hit me and i was suffering a majority of my day lol BUT THAT DOESN'T STOP ME FROM WRITING ABOUT MY MAN KO KYUNG-JUN i'm actually convinced he healed me 'cause i'm thriving after finishing this chapter LOL
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
3 YEARS BEFORE THE ACCIDENT.
MARCH
they say march is a time for new beginnings. it's when the flowers start to bloom, a bud nurtured into uncurled petals. it's when birds return from a far away land, chirping and whistling in the soft breeze that blows, their songs carried past the wind. it's a time that calls for the sun, gently coaxing it from the depths of the clouds, warming the earth, lighting a path of opportunities.
it's spring, and ko kyung-jun hates his life.
it's all bullshit, he thinks, believing a different path can be carved than the one already followed. isn't that what a path is? a prominent mark in the earth, leading the way towards a certain destination, already predetermined. there's no changing it. fate. destiny. it's no use trying to defy the life set out before him. his mom tried, but there was no stopping the sickness in her body. no matter how many wish bracelets she made, no matter how many times ko kyung-jun clasped his trembling hands together, whispering an insistent prayer beneath his breath, there was no fork in the road for her to follow.
it was sunny when she died. the day was beautiful, a beautiful spring, perhaps the most beautiful out of the entire season. it was meant to be spent outside beneath the sun, laughing without restraint, thinking of the distant future ahead. and yet, she spent it inside that hospital room, on that hospital bed, and she didn't get to feel the warmth of it before she passed.
kyung-jun believes he was destined for pain. he carries it on his person, a fundamental part of his being that cannot be shed no matter how hard he tries. he carried it all throughout middle school, in his heart, the passing of his mother a fresh wound barely beginning to close. and he carried it all over his body, a physically prominent mark. he lost count of the amount of times the older kids would drag him into the depths of an alleyway, punching and kicking him until he lay numb on the cold floor, barely conscious.
but he would take it. at first, it was nothing more than a distraction from the ache in his chest. a different feeling he could focus on. but as he grew older, moving past the grief stricken stages of his pain, a different emotion emerged. festered beneath his skin, boiling to greater temperatures until exploding into a singular spark. suddenly, ko kyung-jun wasn't a sad little kid anymore. he was older, taller, stronger, and his pain turned into anger. he released it in the only way he knew how. the same way he took it.
kyung-jun sits on a bench at the bus stop, curling and uncurling his fingers into fists. only a week into high school, and he already resented the place. his older brother told him to do better this time. to make a good first impression. to take the fresh start he was being given. but kyung-jun's pain and acrimony is so deeply engraved inside of himself he doesn't know how to function without it. it's exactly how he managed to get into three fights so far, and the week hasn't even ended.
whatever. who cared about new beginnings? about second chances? kyung-jun knows who he is, and he doubted anyone at this damn school cared to know as well. he's already been presented with looks of fear and disgust. people have learned to step away when he walks, averting their eyes to avoid his consideration. that's the path he's been given. so he walks it.
kyung-jun tips his head back, noting the dark clouds in the sky and the rain that falls rapidly down to the earth. it hits the roof of the bus stop, creating a different sound, more harsh, more prominent. kyung-jun dreads the walk home. he forgot an umbrella. but he supposes it's better than the sun. he dreads that even more.
the rush of footsteps pounding against the earth pulls his attention in the direction of the sound. a girl runs down the sidewalk, water splashing beneath her shoes, her hands holding a backpack over her head. kyung-jun thinks it's a stupid attempt to stop the rain, and he's proven right when she finally reaches cover, her entire body drenched. water droplets slide down her hair and face, and she holds up her hand and pushes the strands back, mumbling something incoherent beneath her breath. she drops her backpack by her feet, using both free hands to squeeze the excess water out of her hair and clothes.
she doesn't realize he's there until he shifts, his slight movement caught in the corner of her vision. she freezes, turning her head, blinking owlishly at him. there are droplets caught at the end of her lashes, and her lips are parted slightly in surprise, eyes wide.
kyung-jun waits for the look she'll give him. alarm upon recognizing him, knowing of his reputation at school. loathing at the sight of him, running across every inch of her features, despising him and his existence. perhaps indifference, thinking him beneath her, someone not worth looking upon.
and yet, kyung-jun doesn't expect this. he doesn't expect her lips to lift up, stretching across her face, into a smile.
at first, he's dumbfounded. he blinks at the sight, wondering if it's a figment of his imagination. it's not the fake smiles people give him in hopes that his frustration will turn towards a different target. an attempt to avoid pissing him off. no, the expression on this girl's face is genuine. she does it, not because she feels obligated to, because she fears him, or because she doesn't know how else to react. she does it because she wants to.
as she smiles at ko kyung-jun, the expression creases the corners of her eyes, making them softer, kinder, complimenting the brightness that reflects in them. distantly, he hears the rain come down in gentle pats, and the clouds, once stormy and gray, slowly lighten. it's a rainy day, and yet, the sky turns brighter, the rain glistens beneath it, and her appearance, haloed by a golden glow, is like sunlight peeking through the mist.
kyung-jun is struck by her beauty. he feels weak beneath it, and he hates every second of it.
the bus arrives, and she turns towards the vehicle, hurriedly stepping on. but kyung-jun doesn't follow. he simply sits there, watching the car disappear down the road, taking her with it. he blinks, stares down at his hands, which lay slack by his sides. he slowly tightens them, until his knuckles turn white, and he holds onto the familiar feeling of pain within his muscles.
this is what he knows. this is what he's used to. not whatever that was. not the warmth of the sun. he's never known it to be gentle. only harsh, taking away the things he loves most.
throughout the rest of his first year, he sees glimpses of her.
it's maddening. kyung-jun hates how his body betrays him, no matter how many times he tries to go against it. how no matter the time or place, his eyes drift over to her figure, a mixture of curiosity and something else settling in his chest. she's not in his class, so he doesn't see her often, but sometimes he's caught off guard when their paths suddenly cross.
he'll spot her in the hallway, walking down the path with two girls by her side, wearing that same smile he saw that sunny day. during lunch, he'll catch sight of her at a different table, her laughter loud, coated thickly in her joy. and sometimes, very rarely nowadays, he'll see her at that bus stop, waiting patiently beneath the covers, seemingly lost in thought as she sways lightly on her feet.
at some point, driven by his frustration at the things this stranger does to him without an explanation as to why, kyung-jun is struck with the sudden thought of approaching her. yes. he would demand answers from this girl. or perhaps tell her to stay out of his life, out of his head, so he can go about it in peace. not agonizing over the sight of her, her smile. how she made a sunny day feel less painful than the rest before he met her.
secretly, a different motive lingers in the back of his mind.
smile like that again. prove to me that it was not a fluke. that the world isn't as bitter as i originally believed it to be. that the sun can be kind, and the path that i'm on isn't destined to bring me pain.
but just as kyung-jun entertains the thought in his mind, he sees her. with him. jang hyun-ho. the person he hates most in this godforsaken school.
and the way she looks at him, peering into his face with those bright eyes and that kind smile, it tells him everything.
kyung-jun feels the familiar emotion entering his body, and he greets it as he always does. it tightens his hands into fists, knuckles white, and he finds himself clenching his jaw, the muscles twitching insistently as he stares. but there's something else too. a different emotion accompanies his anger.
disappointment.
ko kyung-jun is disappointed.
its like the moon just barely missing the sun. living in the same world, taking space in the exact same sky, but their paths never cross. the moon is forced to watch from afar. to only see glimpses of the sun's warmth as it fades away.
kyung-jun tries to forget it. to push it aside like all his other problems. but no matter how much he tries to distract himself, he can't get rid of the image in his mind. it's like it's branded there permanently, haunting him through time. he lays awake at night, tossing and turning, squeezing his eyes shut with a frustrated huff. he gets into fights, focusing on the pain that roots from his punches, but nothing fucking works.
kyung-jun's frustration turns into loathing, but that emotion is short lived as well. he tries to hate her as much as possible, blaming her for his restlessness, his confliction. but the moment he sees her again, catches her smile for a brief moment, no matter how fleeting, he's reduced back to the mess she created of him.
eventually, he accepts defeat.
he learns that there's no stopping it. it's like the path he resents. all this time he's been following it blindly, taking whatever gets thrown at him, and perhaps this is apart of it too. perhaps he was always meant to meet her that rainy day, on the precipice of being sunny, and kyung-jun was always meant to be nothing but a background character in her life.
even if she never smiles at him like that again, he's fine with it. as long as he can see it from afar, kyung-jun is content. for once, he won't be selfish. he won't be greedy. he'll accept the role he plays in this world. for once, he'll do so without complaint.
9 MONTHS BEFORE THE ACCIDENT.
JUNE - AUGUST
"i think i like you."
when kyung-jun hears those words come out of your mouth, when his brain registers the syllables, his initial reaction is to freeze. he has to blink rapidly to ensure it's you standing there before him uttering that confession. he has to tighten his hands into fists, just to feel the pain of his nails digging into his palms, to believe that this is not a dream. that this is his reality, and somehow, someway, you've grown to reciprocate the feelings he's kept buried deeply in his heart. and kyung-jun wants to feel happy. he wants to be thrilled at the prospect. to feel triumph at the fact that the girl he's been longing for for three years could finally be his.
but kyung-jun knows better than to believe in false hopes. he knows, because the red flush is still prominent on your cheeks, not because you're flustered, but because you had one too many drinks just an hour before. your eyes, half lidded, are still reflected with that dazed, faraway look, like you're there, but not entirely. not the way he wishes.
so kyung-jun's next reaction is nothing short of pain.
"you're drunk." he mutters, and the words come out sharper than he intended, but he hates how they're coated a bit in his disappointment, betraying the ache in his chest.
you blink slowly, a bit of clarity returning to your eyes as you twist your face in frustration, "no. i mean," you squeeze your eyes shut for a brief moment, composing yourself, "yes, i'm drunk, but i know what i'm saying. i know what i feel. listen." you suddenly reach forward, taking his hand, and kyung-jun feels helpless when you press his palm flat against your chest. he wants to pull away, he knows he should, but he can't ignore the warmth of your skin resting against his own, the rapid pounding beneath his fingertips, a product of your heartbeat, "it's a drum. it's you."
kyung-jun feels his throat go dry, and he wants so badly to believe it. to think that the world could tip in his favor. but he reminds himself that people like him never have it easy. their paths are always difficult. he pulls away, turning towards the door, "please, just go inside-"
"why aren't you listening to me?" you demand, your frustration returning. when kyung-jun turns back in your direction, he sees your expression falter, and your voice comes out wobbly, as you mumble softly, hesitantly, "is it 'cause you don't feel the same?"
kyung-jun squeezes his eyes shut, pressing his teeth against the inside of his cheek. his own words come out shaky, holding a bit of his own pain, "because you don't fucking mean it."
you retract slightly, appearing dumbfounded for a moment. then, your expression turns desperate, and you shake your head insistently. he can see tears forming in the corners of your eyes, "that's not true kyung-jun. it's not."
he scoffs, glancing away in disbelief, "oh please. you think you'd be saying this shit if you weren't drunk? if it were hyun-ho standing here-"
"why are you bringing him into this?"
"you think i don't know?" he snaps, and the words feel bitter on his tongue. the truth always tastes like that, ever since he learned it two years ago when he met you, "i'd have to be fucking blind to not realize you're in love with that jerk."
a tear slips down your cheek, falling delicately across the planes of your face. your eyes waver, not in guilt, not in shame, but in clear, unfiltered pain, "kyung-jun." you croak out, the syllables breaking off at the end. more tears fall down your face, rapidly now, and the sight of you crying makes kyung-jun's chest feel tight.
he looks away, for he cannot bear the sight of your pain any longer, "forget it. you won't even remember this in the morning. i'm leaving."
"kyung-jun, please-"
he ignores you, and it takes great restraint for kyung-jun to not look back. to replace his sharp tongue with something softer, reserved only for you. to take your hand as you once did, and hold it gently in his own, brushing his fingers across the delicate skin of your knuckles, not roughed up or bloody. but he knows the cards he's been dealt. and a much as kyung-jun wants a different hand, he knows it's not possible.
-
is it possible for the world to end when physically, nothing has changed?
it feels that way. despite time moving ahead as planned, despite the fact that a couple doors down, your classmates and friends enjoy the rest of their night without a clue of what occurred, it feels as if everything you've known has come crumbling down around you. there's a crack along your heart, and all your emotions, and your hopes and wishes, collapse in your hands.
you're not sure how long you cry for. you're not even sure how you managed to move inside your room and close the door. you don't make it to any of the beds though. as soon as you're enclosed in the small space, your knees hit the carpet, and sobs are pulled out of your body until your throat is raw and you're exhausted enough to sleep.
"are you sure she's in here?"
"she has to be. she's not anywhere in the other room."
"i can't believe we lost her. what if she's not in here? what if-"
the door opens, and you turn, your two friends standing at the entrance of the room. as they take in your current state, you note the exact moment their expressions change. jung-won's eyes widen in bewilderment, her mouth falling open in surprise. and yoon-seo's features shift into worry, tension apparent across the muscles of her face.
"yoon-seo. jung-won," you croak out, wiping your eyes with the back of your hand, "i've been so blind."
the latter rushes forward, crouching down beside you and rubbing your back with soothing circles, "what happened? what's wrong?"
you open your mouth to speak, but as the name forms on your tongue, your mouth refuses to let the words fall from your lips. the ache in your ribs intensifies, and you feel your chest tighten, like someone reached in and is squeezing your heart as hard as possible. the sobs intensifies, and it isn't until jung-won takes up the space of your right side do they quiet down.
"it's kyung-jun, isn't it?" she mumbles softly, gently enough to coax you into answering, but declarative as well. like she knows even before you confirm it.
"i really like him," you sob, curling your fingers around the edge of your shirt, squeezing your eyes shut, "i really really do. i didn't know it before, but now that i do i can't stop. why does it hurt so much? to love someone? why?"
yoon-seo throws her arms around your shoulders, holding you tightly, the soothing motions on your back continuing, "it's okay." she whispers, and her tender voice, the reassurance she brings you, it doesn't heal the damage of your heart, but it steadies the world beneath your feet.
-
"want some?"
hyun-ho's voice is clear amongst the distant chatter and boisterous laughter in the bus. when you turn your head to face him, he holds a bag of chips in your direction. turtle chips, you're favorite. and yet, not even the sight of your favorite snack is enough to get rid of the heartache still prominent in your chest.
"no thanks. i'm not hungry." you smile in an attempt to appear lighthearted, letting it thicken the tone of your voice, but your attempts must be halfhearted at best. or maybe hyun-ho just knows you too well to not see past your pain.
"what's wrong?" he frowns, leaning closer, "you never turn down food, let alone turtle chips."
"i'm just tired."
hyun-ho appears unconvinced by your excuse. he nudges you softly, forming a small smile on his face, "hey. we've been friends for years. it's no use lying to me."
you release a sigh, leaning back in your seat as you flutter your eyes shut. normally hyun-ho's worry would make you feel happy. when you were kids, you'd tell him all of your problems. complaining about the teacher. about the pain in your fingertips after practice. how your mother wouldn't let you eat an extra slice of cake. but as you got older, it became harder to be honest with him. not because he did anything wrong. but because you didn't want to be a burden.
and in this particular situation, knowing it involves kyung-jun, hyun-ho would surely turn it into something it is not, "please hyun-ho. i'm not in the mood to talk about it."
hyun-ho stays quiet for a moment, and you think it'll be the end of it. then, he wraps an arm around your shoulder, rubbing your arm soothingly.
"alright. go to sleep then. i'll sacrifice my shoulder as a pillow." he teases lightly, bringing you closer so your head rests on his shoulder. at first, you're not amused, but hyun-ho continues smiling down at you, and your resolve slowly wavers. you form a small smile, shaking your head softly in exasperation.
"my knight and shining armor." you mumble sarcastically, rolling your eyes in response.
despite it, however, you allow yourself to lean against him, accepting his kind offer. sleep would be good. it's better than replaying the night before. than angling your body to look down the aisle, where kyung-jun sits in his usual seat, only this time, he's accompanied by jin-ha. it's better than being regarded with his indifference, as if the events of last night is nothing more than a hindrance in his life.
-
the rest of the month slowly creeps by. in mid july, exams are held, and you barely keep yourself afloat as you cycle through the various materials. in a way it's a relief. focusing on math equations and english words keeps you distracted from the tension that arises between you and kyung-jun. you've noticed it, the rift in between you now, and while he doesn't push you away, it never feels like he's really there. like he's keeping you at arms length, never letting you get too close, not like before.
you've tried talking to him. numerous times in fact. the morning right after. when you see him in the hallways, begging for just a moment of his time to explain things. but recently, kyung-jun has become busy. at first, his excuses were related to the upcoming exams, insisting that he wanted to study and didn't have time to discuss whatever it was you deemed important.
then, when exams passed, summer break arrives, and you are left with an entire month without the convenience of seeing kyung-jun everyday.
-
jun >:C
july 15
you: hey! i wasn't able to catch you after exams finished.
you: what are you doing during this break?
you: we should hangout.
you: and maybe talk?
kyung-jun: can't. busy.
you: please? it's really important.
july 25
you: kyung-jun.
you: please don't ignore me.
you: i'm sorry if i hurt you.
you: i didn't mean to.
you: please just let me explain everything.
august 1
you: kyung-jun?
"hey, we're getting started soon. you ready?"
you glance up from your phone, meeting dong-hyun's expectant eyes. from over his shoulder, you spot the rest of your friends at the front of the room, engaged in light conversation. they each hold their designated instrument, messing with the strings and keys as they shift excitedly on their feet. the sight of them, carefree and happy, makes you smile. you pocket your phone inside your jacket and stand up from your seat.
"yeah, let's go."
you take the guitar hyun-ho holds up for you, pulling the strap over your body and resting it comfortably against your front. all of the equipment is being borrowed from the music center you take lessons from, who were ecstatic to hear about your school performance occurring once break ends. so ecstatic in fact, that they were willing to let you use a spare room without charge.
"should we run through the first song?" yoon-seo asks, holding a notepad and pen in her hands. ever since you started practicing during the summer break, she's been taking her role as manager very seriously. each time you practice, she writes down notes regarding the performance to help you all improve.
"let's do this!" dong-hyun exclaims, tapping his drumstick against the rim of the instrument.
you take out the guitar pick from your pocket, holding it over the strings while your other hand presses against the neck of your own instrument. just as you assumed, it was easy to pick up the motions of playing it. the chords were not unlike the ones on the violin, and though it produced a different sound, much deeper and electric, it sent a pleasant hum throughout your entire body each time you played.
dong-hyun counts you off, and when you hear the last click, you brush the pick against the strings. from beside you, hyun-ho follows along with his own set of notes, and you hear na-hee tap her fingers against the keyboard, all instruments blending together to create a single melody. several seconds past, then jun-hee shifts closer to the mic, and his steady, soft voice fills the space of the room.
at the end of the song, you all exchange matching prideful looks, laughing softly beneath your breath. jung-won and yoon-seo clap excitedly from their seats, flashing you a thumbs up.
"you guys sound amazing. it's crazy to think you've only been an official band for two weeks." yoon-seo praises.
"should we go pro?" hyun-ho asks playfully. he pulls the strap over his body and gently leans the guitar against the speaker.
"yeah right. you'd give up your olympic career for music?" you respond, copying his actions.
"i think it's my calling."
you roll your eyes, huffing out an exasperated breath, which only furthers hyun-ho's amusement.
"should we get changed now?" na-hee asks, stepping around the keyboard.
"right. we have to take photos while the sun is in the right position." jung-won gets up from her seat, reaching down into her bag and pulling out several matching t-shirts, "here."
"woah! these are so cool. did you make these?" dong-hyun exclaims, holding up the piece of clothing. on the front is your bands name and logo, displayed in bright colors and a fun font that yoon-seo insisted would catch the crowds attention.
"my mom was able to pull some strings at work." jung-won responds coolly, but there's no mistaking the hint of pride along the edges of her voice.
"awesome. thanks jung-won." hyun-ho takes his own t-shirt, pulling his athletic jacket off his shoulders. he then reaches for the edges of his shirt, pulling it up and exposing a sliver of his stomach.
you release a surprised scream, squeezing your eyes shut as you reach out and pull his hands back down, "what are you doing?"
"what? it's nothing you haven't seen before." hyun-ho replies, and while his expression is indifferent, there's a smug smile twitching the corners of his lips. bastard. he's doing it on purpose.
you feel your face burn at the remark, "when we were kids. and it's not just me in the room."
sure enough, yoon-seo and na-hee have covered their eyes with both their hands, trying to give the boy some privacy. jung-won, on the other hand, just hands out the rest of the t-shirts, completely unbothered by it all.
hyun-ho chuckles, but he listens to you nonetheless, ruffling your hair as he passes by on his way towards the door. dong-hyun and jun-hee follow closely behind, and when they leave the room, you finally feel like you can breathe.
"what a flirt," jung-won sighs, turning towards you, "should i smack him?"
you snort, and yoon-seo shakes her head softly, na-hee releasing her own quiet giggles from beside you. he's impossible sometimes.
fifteen minutes later, you find yourselves outside in a park nearby. since the performance would take place in august, yoon-seo insisted on pushing towards a nostalgic, summertime vibe for your promo photos. the pictures are mainly being used to post on social media to encourage people to come. since sports day was an event anyone could come watch, parents and friends from other schools included, you all agreed that a large crowd was needed. yoon-seo, the one behind the camera, starts off with individual photos, and na-hee volunteers to go first.
while jung-won helps the timid girl pose beside a tree, you feel someone come up from behind you, and you don't have to turn to know who it is.
"i'm still mad at you." you mutter bitterly, refusing to meet the boy's eyes. hyun-ho, undeterred by most things, smiles boyishly.
"oh come on. i wasn't actually going to change in front of everyone. i just wanted to get a rise out of you."
you release a huff, shaking your head, "you're seriously so annoying."
"you used to love me you know. when we were kids, you worshipped the ground i walked on."
"well, my eyes have been opened, and i realize how much of a jerk you actually are."
hyun-ho grows quiet, and his silence finally urges you to turn to face him. the sight that greets you is strange, as are most things about hyun-ho in recent times. on his features is a thoughtful expression, once you can't entirely explain, especially the cryptic tone hyun-ho uses to speak, "you really have changed. it's weird."
"huh?" you blink, uncertain whether you heard his mumbled words correctly.
hyun-ho's smile grows wider, and he shakes his head, "nothing."
"no, tell me." you insist.
"it wouldn't make sense if i tried to explain it to you. so don't worry your pretty little head about it, okay?" he reaches up and ruffles your hair once more, fondly this time, his face mirroring the tender gesture. instead of feeling touched by his actions though, you only feel confused.
"you're different too, hyun-ho."
he pauses, and his hand slips away from your hair, "how so?"
you shrug, turning around, feigning indifference, but there's a mischievous grin on your face, "too complicated to explain."
hyun-ho chuckles, amused by you repeating his initial excuse, "of course."
"hyun-ho! you're up!" yoon-seo calls from across the lawn. hyun-ho shouts back his agreement, turning back around to face you once more.
"well? do i look dashing and handsome?"
you shake your head softly, but you can't help the laugh slipping through your teeth, "as always."
hyun-ho's grin grows wider, pleased by your response. you think that'll be the end of the conversation. that he'll turn around and join yoon-seo and jung-won in the grass. but instead, hyun-ho reaches a hand forward. his fingers brush against the side of your face, and you feel a strand of hair get tucked behind your ear. when he speaks, his voice comes out as a murmur, the release of a breath, "you look pretty, too."
you don't get a chance to respond. hyun-ho is pulling his arm back just as quickly, sending you one last cheeky grin before jogging away. you blink, staring his retreating form, feeling even more bewildered than before.
-
ko kyung-jun's fingers hover over the keyboard on his phone. displayed on screen, a message catalog is pulled up, messages sent weeks before entering his vison. he's repeated the motions daily for almost the entirety of his summer break. opening his phone. typing out a message. deleting it. the process repeating and repeating like a mantra in his head. but he can never bring himself to press send.
he releases a frustrated breath, throwing his phone across his bed. he stares at the ceiling, pressing his fingers against the space between his brows, massaging the tension away from his face, before draping his arm across it. he closes his eyes then, but he's only hit with the image of your tearstained face and and the echo of your painful voice.
he releases a curse. 'fuck this shit.' he gets up, crossing his room and slipping through the door. he descends the stairs, his footsteps loud and heavy against the wood, the sound trailing after him as he moves towards the kitchen. when he enters though, he pauses, for a figure sits comfortably in the leather seats near the island.
ko ki-jung glances up at kyung-jun's arrival, not saying a word. the two brothers stare at one another for several long, quiet moments, the atmosphere become tense the longer it settles. kyung-jun is the first to move, continuing his journey to the fridge.
"not going to say hi?" his brother's light voice comes out airy, and kyung-jun finds himself scowling at the sound of it. leave it to his brother to come visit unannounced after months of being away. only he would treat it like nothing.
"don't feel like it." he mutters, pulling out a container of banana milk and twisting the cap open.
"come on, little brother. don't be like that."
"don't you have your own house to loiter around?" kyung-jun asks, tipping the lid towards his lips. the sweet taste of milk and banana runs down his throat, but it doesn't get rid of the bitter taste in his mouth. he's hit with the sudden urge to throw it across the room. fuck it getting messy.
"too lonely over there. and aren't i allowed to visit my family?"
"go see dad then. i'm sure he'll love to see you." kyung-jun responds sarcastically, but there's a hint of truth in his remark. out of the two sons, ki-jung has always been the favorite. ki-jung doesn't get into fights. ki-jung doesn't let his anger control him. ki-jung is perfect.
his brother chuckles dryly, "your tongue is as sharp as ever."
kyung-jun rolls his eyes, "whatever." as he moves towards the exit, however, a flash of red catches the corner of his eye, and his eyes snap towards the handwoven bracelet resting around ki-jung's wrist. a wish bracelet.
"forgot something?" ki-jung questions, a hint of curiosity found in the edges of his tone.
kyung-jun swallows, hit with the memory of that night. your soft, sweet voice. your warmth pressed against his skin, too close for comfort, but not close enough to satiate him. but most of all, the bracelet around your wrist. kyung-jun wasn't sure at first. he thought perhaps you purchased it at some random vendor, and it just so happened to look similar to the ones his mother used to make. but when his fingers clasped around your wrist, and when he took in the intricate design and carefully chosen colors completely identical to the one that sits in a box inside his drawer, kyung-jun couldn't deny it any longer.
he thinks back to your babbling. he thought you were just speaking nonsense. you were drunk after all. but what if there was some truth in your words? kyung-jun always thought it was weird, your sudden interest in him, not to mention the way your personality changed, just slightly. he thought he was just reading into things too much, but if you really were from the future, it would explain the peculiarities, wouldn't it?
"mom's wish bracelets." kyung-jun begins, and he notes the way ki-jung's eyes widen. how his posture straightens, impossibly still as if afraid that a single shift in movement would scare kyung-jun off, "did she ever make duplicates?"
"duplicates?" ki-jung repeats, eyebrows furrowed. he ponders the question for a moment, tapping his fingers against the granite counter, "not that i know of. she hated using the same design twice."
"so it's impossible for two of the same bracelets to exist at the same time." kyung-jun confirms.
"i guess so? why? did you see one that looks similar to hers?"
blue, green and yellow around your skin. tied with a double knot. kyung-jun sighs. he's being ridiculous, "forget it."
ki-jung remains quiet for a moment, staring at him in a thoughtful manner. he tilts his head at him, a smile forming on his lips as he sighs, "you've changed kyung-jun."
kyung-jun freezes, "what?"
"your grades are up. i don't get calls from the school anymore. you look happier," ki-jung stares down at his hands, his voice getting quieter, softer, "you know, ever since mom died, i was worried about you. i didn't know how to approach you. i knew i couldn't give you what you needed. but someone else did, right?" when kyung-jun doesn't respond, ki-jung chuckles, looking a little relieved, "i figured as much. i'm glad."
kyung-jun swallows thickly, unable to think of a response. instead, he turns and storms out of the kitchen, retreating into the familiar space of his room. he paces across the floor, pulling frustratingly at his hair as he tries to calm the thoughts running rampant in his mind. but no matter what he tries, you always materialize. always present, lingering in his memory, peering over his shoulder with that damn smile. he lets out a low curse.
it was all your fault. why did you have to force your way into his life? he was content with the way things were. he didn't mind watching you from afar even if that was the only way he could have you. for once, he wasn't selfish. he wasn't greedy. he didn't try to defy his fate written in the universe. steered clear of any diverging paths.
but that moment you offered him your kindness. when you finally looked at him again, bestowing him with your warmth, your affection, kyung-jun wondered if it was okay for him to change. to take the less trekked path so long as it was your hand leading him down it. he didn't feel guilty when he was in your presence. in a way, it felt right. like perhaps that's the way it should've always been. you and him. friends. perhaps something more, if he allowed himself to take it.
he's flown a little too close to the sun, hasn't he? and now he's falling, with no way of getting back up.
Notes:
i need to stop listening to sad songs while i write 'cause i fear it affected my mood while writing the opening scene lol my bad fr. anyways don't hate kyung-jun too much he's just got some conflicted feelings. also sad to say there are only two chapters left of the summer arc :C it flew by so quickly. i'll miss summer dearly. also my spring break ends in like four days (i can't believe it i swear it JUST started) so updates will go back to once a week regularly. i probably have one or two more chapters left in me though so maybe i'll finish the summer arc before i go back to school (the grind never stops) anyways love you guys i swear i'm taking care of myself i appreciate the comments though hehe you guys are my precious darlings fr. mwah
Chapter 13: eleven
Notes:
hey guys thanks for the sweet comments i'm feeling a bit better now :D hope you enjoy this chapter! crazy things happen
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
9 MONTHS BEFORE THE ACCIDENT.
JUNE - AUGUST
WELCOME TO YOOIL HIGH SCHOOL'S SPORTS DAY CELEBRATION
at the sound of the announcement, a chorus of cheers erupt across the air, followed by the thumping of feet banging against the metal bleachers. it's deafening, each note blending into the other, pounding within your entire body long after it ceases.
you and the entirety of yooil high school sit outside beneath the blazing sun, divided by year and class among the uncomfortable seats. to your left, yoon-seo fans her face with a small white fan, rustling her long black hair. to your right, jung-won picks at the edge of her pink t-shirt, frowning distastefully at the fabric.
"these are awful," she says, releasing the cloth with a huff, "who's the idiot that designed these?"
"i'm pretty sure it was heo-yool's doing." you reply. the ridiculous bright pink color and silly logo printed on the front points towards only one individual in your class. and sure enough, when you shift your eyes to the boy several seats over, he seems pleased by all the annoyed expressions the rest of your classmates have.
"i knew i should've stepped in when jun-hee mentioned class shirts." jung-won sighs regretfully.
"they aren't that bad," yoon-seo attempts to lighten the situation, but her words only earn her two matching glares. she falters, smiling nervously, "i mean, they're kinda cute. if you squint."
"look on the bright side. we won't have any trouble spotting people from our class during the activities," jun-hee cuts in, rather unhelpfully you may add.
"right. but if we lose an event, people will know exactly who we are." jung-won grumbles. you stifle your laughter behind your hand, masking the sound with a swift cough.
you clap your hands together, smiling brightly at your three friends, "positive thoughts, right guys?"
yoon-seo and jun-hee give a small cheer, and when jung-won remains silent, you nudge her gently, sending her a pleading look. she rolls her eyes, giving a halfhearted whoop, which sends the rest of your small group into fits of laughter.
when the opening announcements have concluded, all students file off the bleachers and gather on the field to either stretch in preparation of the rigorous activities or begin setting up the first of the events. you and the rest of your small friend group find an empty spot towards the center, chatting mindlessly as you start warming up. you align your feet with your shoulders and hold up both arms, crossing one over the other and shifting your hips until you can feel the pleasant burn across your muscles. you repeat the motion a couple more times before switching arms, dragging your eyes across the field where hundreds of other students in brightly colored shirts do similar exercises.
then, like the sun peeking through the clouds, parting away to reveal the light, your eyes spot ko kyung-jun amongst the sea of bodies in the field.
your movements falter as you take him in, the sight of the boy creating a deep, warm ache in the space between your ribs. his hair falls delicately around his face, shielding his eyes trained on the ground, his features calm and unguarded. he stretches his arms up, pulling the edge of his shirt along with it, revealing a sliver of skin, pale and smooth.
you feel your entire body grow rigid at the sight, your mouth suddenly feeling dry and your face burning hotter than the sun. you quickly whip your head away, your frantic movements causing yoon-seo to pause her own stretches to look at you curiously.
"what is it?" she asks.
"huh? what? nothing." you speak quickly, clearing your throat as you bend over to brush your fingers against your toes. this time, the stretch of your muscles burns greater than the one on your face, and you focus on that until it subsides into a dull sensation.
kyung-jun has yet to return your messages, and while it does hurt, a part of you understands why. you never should've admitted those feelings, at least, not while you were drunk. of course he wouldn't believe you, thinking the words were meant for someone else, or that you'd wake up the next day with no memory of what occurred, leaving him hurt and confused.
but that is far from the truth. you remember every single detail of that night, and perhaps it wouldn't have mattered if you were drunk or sober. perhaps the words would've spilled from your lips regardless, your bottled feelings tipping over from how long they've been growing and growing, until they finally grew too big to ignore.
you've been patient since the moment kyung-jun pulled away, wanting him to come around at his own pace. but the longer you spent away from him, the more it hurt. because you just missed him. you missed laughing with him, talking to him, sitting together in silence while enjoying each other's warmth and company. you wish he would stop being so stubborn and actually listen to you. then, you could clear up all the misunderstandings, and your relationship could go back to the way it was before, even if a part of you will forever long for something more. to cross the line between friendship and love.
but for now, you'll focus on sports day. as much as kyung-jun takes up space in your mind, you still have two activities to win and a concert to perform. you'll worry about the much needed conversation once the day is over.
a horn is blared across the field, indicating the official start of sports day. a vast majority of the students slowly venture off to the bleachers to watch the events they are not participating in, while the rest get into position for the first activity of the day. as you, yoon-seo and jung-won direct your steps towards the edge of the field, hyun-ho, dong-hyun and jun-hee approach from the other side.
"you guys will be cheering for us, right?" dong-hyun asks excitedly, to which you eagerly nod, patting his shoulder.
"of course, you have our full support." you reassure. dong-hyun visibly brightens, standing up a little straighter as a result of his confidence boost.
"what's the first event again?" yoon-seo asks, turning towards jun-hee.
"tug-o-war. we're going against class two." he responds.
jung-won grimaces, "good luck, i heard they have beom-soo on their team, and he's supposed to be super strong."
"beom-soo?" yoon-seo repeats, a thoughtful look crossing over her features, "he does wrestling, right?"
dong-hyun falters, the smile on his face slipping, "no way, seriously?"
"yah. don't scare dong-hyun," hyun-ho scolds, putting his arm around his friend and shaking him lightly, "who cares if he's done wrestling? we do judo, so we're just as strong."
dong-hyun doesn't look entirely convinced, but he relaxes ever so slightly, sending hyun-ho a halfhearted smile. you hear another horn come from the speakers, another warning for the student loitering around to get to their seats or attend their events.
"okay okay, hurry up or you guys will be late." you start pushing the two boys in the direction of the other participants, and while dong-hyun starts walking away with jun-hee, hyun-ho plants his feet firmly into the ground.
"i think i deserve something for good luck, right?" he asks, turning around and staring at you expectantly.
"like what?" you ask suspiciously.
a grin spreads widely across his face, and hyun-ho leans forward, tilting the side of his head in your direction. he closes his eyes, tapping the side of his cheek with his pointer finger, "a kiss?"
you stare at him for several moments, completely and utterly baffled by the request. hyun-ho hasn't joked like that with you since middle school. back then, it was nothing more than a way to get on your nerves, pointing and laughing at the way your face would flush into a dark shade of red. you got lucky that as soon as you entered high school, his teasing remarks never bordered into that sort of territory ever again. he may be childish sometimes, but he recognized that as you got older, his remarks held a weight to them, and it could easily be mistaken for something else. something he made clear wasn't something he could handle on his plate at the moment.
'so why slip into old habits so suddenly?'
hyun-ho continues waiting, patiently, and without second guessing yourself, you reach up and pinch the side of his cheek.
hyun-ho's entire face twists into pain, and he leans back, rubbing the side of his cheek while looking at you with a hint of irritation and betrayal. you grin wickedly, feeling triumphant at the fact that you've managed to fool the jang hyun-ho so easily.
"stop messing around and go win a medal for our class." you pat him on the shoulder, then turn away and continue walking.
you settle into the seat jung-won and yoon-seo saved for you on the bench, watching the scene unfold with a high level of anticipation. jun-hee, dong-hyun and hyun-ho line up with some other guys from your class, and you see them discussing something briefly before getting into formation beside the rope. the other team mirrors their actions, and there's a brief moment of silence that occurs when their hands clutch tightly around the rope, their bodies impossibly still as they await the sound of the horn.
you feel your body jump when it finally echoes in the air, and the quiet is broken as rushed voices erupt from each members throat, shouting out words of encouragement. at first, neither class moves forward or backwards, the rope pulled taut, each of their strength matching the others. then, one of your classmates releases a staggered breath, and it all unravels from there.
steadily, each classmate starts to lose their footing. it starts of small, just a shuffle of movement that brings them closer to the line in the middle, until it stacks upon each other to create a noticeable difference. you watch their faces contort to mirror their struggle, their faces flushed and sweaty as they use every ounce of their strength to prevent themselves from tumbling forward and losing the game.
"come on, come on." you mumble beneath your breath, scooting closer to the edge of your seat as you curl your fingers around the fabric of your shirt. from beside you, yoon-seo shifts anxiously within her own spot, her eyes nervously flitting between each side of the line. jung-won's apprehension isn't as noticeable as your own, but her eyes are narrowed, sharp and perceptive beneath her black frames.
then, something changes. the leader from the other class falters, perhaps due to exhaustion, or perhaps due to feeling confident that they would win no matter what. jun-hee catches the shift in his demeanor, and he uses it to his advantage, yelling something incoherent over his shoulder that makes the rest of your classmates begin pulling with more vigor than before.
the other team must not expect this, completely caught off guard by the sudden use of strength. they stumble, and one boy falls to the ground, messing up their entire formation. your class continues pulling, over and over again, never stopping until the other leader steps over the white line.
as soon as it happens, you jump up from your seat, cheering so loudly you can barely hear the excited babbles coming from yoon-seo's own mouth. your classmates release the rope and run towards jun-hee, barreling towards his form and patting one another excitedly on each other's backs as they release several excited whoops into the air.
when the three boys come back from the field, sweaty but triumphant, you nudge them enthusiastically as they take their seats.
"pretty great start to sports day, huh?" hyun-ho asks, grinning widely before taking a sip from his water bottle.
"that was awesome. did you guys plan that?" yoon-seo questions, peering at each boy with a hint of wonder.
"nah, we have our class president to thank for that. good thing we put him at the front." dong-hyun pats jun-hee on the back, and the boy flushes slightly at the praise.
"it was a team effort." he says, brushing the compliment off with a small smile.
dong-hyun rolls his eyes at jun-hee's words, "oh come on, no need to be humble. we wouldn't have won if you didn't tell us what to do."
jun-hee release a soft breath, but he doesn't deny it any longer. jung-won leans forward slightly so she can see the entirety of your small group.
"you guys only have one more event to do, right?" she asks. jun-hee and dong-hyun nod their heads in confirmation while hyun-ho does the opposite.
"no, i signed up for three."
"three?" you repeat, staring at him in surprise, "but you're doing the performance. why would you sign up for more than what's required?"
he shrugs, appearing indifferent, but there is no denying the slight air of confidence hanging over his shoulders and morphing the planes of his face, "thought i'd help our class win as many medals as possible."
you sigh, shaking your head, "sometimes i wonder how your ego is this big."
hyun-ho doesn't respond, simply flashing you another broad smile. you turn away, keeping your attention trained on the field as the rest of the events play out. another couple rounds of tug-o-war occur before switching to obstacle races and soccer matches. finally, it's hyun-ho and dong-hyun's turn to participate once more. this time, a match of dodgeball.
you all give the two boys brief words of encouragement as they hop up from their seats and jog down the steps to the field. the rest of the participants gather in the center, where a line of bright orange cones divides the field into two separate boxes. a row of volleyballs run along the cones, ready for the taking.
"oh no." yoon-seo mumbles from beside you, her tone thick with worry.
you turn towards her, confused, "what is it?"
the girl doesn't respond, her wide eyes stuck on a certain point in the field. you follow the direction of her gaze, feeling your own heart skip a beat at the sight.
kyung-jun.
he stands alongside seung-bin and jin-ha, and it's obvious they are participating in the game. that's not the reason yoon-seo looks so anxious though. it's the fact that kyung-jun's own attention is drawn towards hyun-ho, and you don't have to be any closer to see the tension evident on both boys faces.
"well, this should be fun." jung-won mumbles dryly.
yoon-seo scoots closer to you on the bench, placing a soft, hesitant hand on your arm, "hey, you okay?"
you swallow thickly, unable to tear your eyes away from kyung-jun's form. when yoon-seo and jung-won found you that night, sobbing yourself to exhaustion, the words spilled out of your lips uncontrollably, replaying what occurred between you and the boy. since then, both girls have done their best to console you, spending long summer days at your house and dragging you outside so you'd stop staring at your phone waiting for a text. but you miss him. you miss him so much you'd do anything to run down to the field and pull him into a hug. not yet, you remind yourself. you feel your head numbly nod in response, "fine. i'm fine. let's just watch the game."
a warning whistle cuts through the air, and each member of the game lines up several feet away from the middle. they get into position, leaning forward, one leg pushed back so it's easier to start running right away. once again, the crowd grows a little quieter, anxiously awaiting the sound of the alarm, which finally echoes several seconds later.
kyung-jun and hyun-ho are the fastest out of the entire group, and they rush forward, quickly shortening the distance as they attempt to reach for the same ball. kyung-jun manages to snatch it up first, and hyun-ho sends a sharp glare in his direction before grabbing different ball not that far away. kyung-jun smirks a little in triumph, then directs his sharp eyes across each member of the other team, searching for a weak point in their defenses.
the moment he finds his target, he pulls his arm back, throwing the ball with as much force as possible. it flies through the air, and the person on the other end barely has time to react before the ball slams into their chest.
hyun-ho's strategy is not as aggressive as kyung-jun's. he uses his ball to deflect the one's coming his way, causing the other teams supply to dwindle down into a staggeringly noticeable number. when a pile lays at his feet, he finally takes the time to start throwing them across the other side, managing to get a couple people out.
at some point, however, it becomes painstakingly clear that hyun-ho and kyung-jun are not the type of people to let go of old grudges, no matter how much they may want to win the game.
despite being on the same team, it's obvious that subconsciously, the real competition is between each other. the tension in the atmosphere is apparent even from your far off position, seen in the way their jaws clench and their eyes narrow every time they land on the other, their annoyance displayed clearly on their faces.
the final straw, the event that tips their distaste over the line to hatred, happens quickly. kyung-jun is preparing to throw a ball to an unsuspecting player, who is too busy staring at the ground to notice that they've become target. however, hyun-ho steps in kyung-jun's line of direction, making the boy pause with a scowl. he says something to hyun-ho, and the boy turns, regarding him with calm indifference, which only seems to further agitate him.
"what are those idiots doing." jung-won mutters, leaning forward anxiously when their argument seems to escalate.
"are they seriously fighting right now?" jun-hee asks in disbelief.
their altercation continues on, and people in the crowd and participating in the game start to take notice. dong-hyun calls out to them, appearing panicked by the conflict, uncertain as to how to deescalate the situation. kyung-jun rolls his eyes in response to something hyun-ho says, his lips pulled into a sneer as he cuts back in equally sharp words, and hyun-ho pushes him back with one hand. kyung-jun's anger spikes, and your own panic grows, worried they will start physically brawling in the center of the field. but then, two balls get thrown at the same time, hitting hyun-ho on his arm and kyung-jun on his leg, signaling the end of their performance in the game.
jung-won groans, tipping her head back into the air with annoyance, "great. there go our best players."
the rest of the game goes exactly as you feared. without hyun-ho and kyung-jun playing, the rest of your classmates get out rapidly one by one, until the other class reigns victorious.
you release your own weary sigh when the match is officially over, feeling both disappointed and agitated at the two boys. 'can't they ever get along?' you wonder what they were fighting about. surely it wasn't because of their distaste for the other. there had to be something else going on.
the crackle of a speaker comes to life, announcing that the next event will be the three legged race. at the mention of your event, you feel something twist inside your stomach, and your heart picks up in speed.
"that's the event you're doing with kyung-jun, isn't it?" yoon-seo asks, her eyebrows creased in the slightest hint of concern. jung-won straightens, turning towards you with her own version of unease.
"are you guys still doing it together?" she questions.
you purse your lips, "well, we never said we wouldn't."
while yoon-seo's expression deepens, jung-won looks as if she wants to say something, but thinks better of it. you shakily get to your feet, waving the girls goodbye as you go down the steps to the field.
as you reach the edges of the grass, hyun-ho approaches, and at least he has the heart to look guilty when you immediately send him an annoyed look.
"okay, not my best moment." hyun-ho starts, to which you release a snort in response.
"yeah, clearly." you continue walking, and he sends you a puzzled look, following after you.
"where are you going?"
"to do the three legged race, what else?"
hyun-ho's expression hardens, and he reaches for your wrist, latching his fingers around it to stop you from walking. you pause, turning towards him, and hyun-ho's eyes search your face rapidly, "you're still doing it with that jerk?"
"did i say i wouldn't?"
at the sound of the boy's voice, you both turn towards him, showcasing both surprise and irritation. kyung-jun walks towards the two of you, appearing calm and unbothered despite his recent defeat. his eyes meet your own for a brief moment, sending a spark down your spine, before shifting down towards your hands, where hyun-ho has yet to let you go. his eyes harden, something unreadable passing over his expression, before he glances away.
hyun-ho must take notice of the strange emotion, and it must amuse him, for he straightens, the corners of his mouth twisting upwards into a smirk, "well, you've never been one to go through with your promises."
kyung-jun whips his head back towards hyun-ho, the muscle in his jaw moving as he clenches his teeth. you open your mouth to speak, only to get interrupted by the announcers voice coming from the speaker.
"teams, please come up to the starting line so we can get you ready for the race."
sensing an opportunity to break the tense atmosphere, you hastily pull away from hyun-ho's grip, walking towards kyung-jun and pulling him away from the other boy, "come on."
kyung-jun follows after you without much resistance, and you let go of his arm when you meet up with the rest of the participants, which stand at the starting line as a knot is tied around their ankles. you and kyung-jun take your positions at the end of the line, and another student from a different class approaches the two of you with a blue ribbon in their hands.
"can you guys stand closer? i need to tie this around your legs." they say, and you feel the pit of your stomach twist nervously, sending a quick glance at the boy. he keeps his eyes trained on the floor, but he complies as he shifts slightly in your direction.
the student sighs, stepping forward and grabbing your upper arms to position you even closer. they don't seem satisfied until your arms are pressed so tightly together you can feel his warmth through your clothes, and every small shift of movement he makes, every breath he takes, is felt within your own body as well.
the knot is successfully tied around your legs, and you glance down, testing the movement as you try to lift your leg. as expected, there's resistance, meaning you have to rely on each other to make it across the finish line swiftly and efficiently.
'why couldn't i confess after the race? this feels so awkward.' you silently reprimand yourself, pressing your teeth against your bottom lip, 'is it too late to go back in time again?'
"teams, get ready!"
you startle slightly at the announcement, glancing around and seeing the rest of the participants get into position. most of them either have their arms around each other or looped between them, and you spare a quick glance at your partner, hesitating between the two positions. which would be better?
without a word, kyung-jun chooses for you. he lays his arms across your shoulders, resting his palm flat against your upper arm, pulling you even closer than before. you feel heat creep up onto your face, your heart pounding inside your chest as you hesitantly lay your own arm around his waist.
the alarm finally resonates within your skull, and you and kyung-jun move at the same time, walking quickly across the grass. it's a bit wobbly at first, not used to the sudden need to rely on someone else to move, not to mention that kyung-jun is taller than you, so your strides are much different. you feel yourself stumble, barely being able to catch yourself from falling. kyung-jun's fingers tighten around your arm, and he pauses briefly, sending you a quick glance eerily similar to concern before resuming his stride once more. only this time, you feel him slow down, just barely, enough to match your pace.
you spot the finish line, and you go a little faster, kyung-jun responding in time, and it's between you and another team from a younger class. you're head to head, and all it would take is one mistake, one person to slow down to win or lose it all. you push yourself to go faster, feeling anticipation buzz across your entire body, and finally, you and kyung-jun step over the finish line.
a bright smile stretches across your lips, a bubble of laughter bursting from your throat as you let out a victorious cheer. on instinct, you turn towards kyung-jun, your fingers grasping his shirt excitedly as you search his face for the same level of elation. however, you falter at the sight that greets you.
kyung-jun's expression is unreadable. it borders the line between confliction and something else. something soft, just barely noticeable in the shape of his eyes and the slight parting of his lips. your chest squeezes tightly at the sight, and you open your mouth, wanting to say something, anything, that would put all his worries to rest. 'i like you kyung-jun. i meant what i said that day. i meant it so deeply it's practically engraved in me, and i'll say it over and over again until you believe it.'
someone calls out your name, and the both of you are snapped out of your daze, turning towards the source of the sound. dong-hyun leads the way through the field, his expression bright and cheerful as he holds his arms up. hastily, before you can blink, kyung-jun is untying the knot around your legs, and he steps out of the way just in time before dong-hyun slams into your body, pulling the air from your lungs.
"hell yeah! first medal you've won for our class!" he cheers, picking you up slightly as he sways you side to side. you find yourself laughing, which turns into a wheeze when it becomes difficult to breathe.
"air." you croak out, tapping his back urgently. he finally lets go, and the rest of your friends finally join the two of you, exclaiming different variations of congratulations.
you thank each of them profusely, subtly turning your attention back towards kyung-jun. but he is being bombarded by his own friends, and much to your disappointment, you're being pulled away from the field, lengthening the distance between you two.
for the next hour or so, you watch the rest of your classmates engage in volleyball and other sports along the field. jung-won and yoon-seo play a game of badminton, which ends in defeat, but the girls hardly seem to care as they walk off the field in fits of laughter, giggling over the mishaps of their match. once the hour passes, the running events begin to take place, starting with relay racing.
you find yourself back on the field, stretching your legs as you take your place on the track. you decided to do the event with jung-won, na-hee and yoon-seo, and they all collectively agreed that you'd go second in the race. jung-won is at the starting line, her face calm and collected as she grips the baton tightly in her hands, taking in a slow, deep breath. you watch anxiously as she gets into position, and the anxiety grows when the alarm erupts and she takes off at a run.
when she starts to get closer you move at a light jog, keeping one hand outstretched behind you. when she reaches you, holding out the baton, you clasp it tightly in your fingers, then pick up speed as you dash across the track.
you do your best to keep your breathing even as you run, your eyes trained on the path ahead. several meters away, you spot na-hee waiting for you, beginning her own light jog as she cranes her neck over her shoulder to await the exact moment the baton is within her reach. you pump your legs faster, stumbling a bit when you hold out the object, and the pass is wobbly, but she gains purchase of it a second later, picking up speed.
the moment she takes off, you stumble once more, not paying attention to where your feet are landing and how fast you are going. unable to stop yourself in time, your body gets pulled towards the ground, sliding harshly across the hard rubber.
you feel the pain immediately, squeezing your eyes shut at the sensation in your knees and arms. you blink, slowly pushing yourself to your hands and knees, wincing at the blood coming from the scrapes along your skin. 'fuck, that hurt.' you push yourself to your feet, your face twisting in discomfort when you feel another twinge of pain come from your ankle the moment you take your first step.
you ignore it as you walk steadily towards the edge of the field, slumping towards the nearest bench. jung-won, who watched the entire thing, comes running towards you, her brows knit together in concern.
"what happened? are you okay?" she asks.
you dismiss her concern with a wave of your hand, "yeah, i just fell-"
the sound of your name gets called from afar, causing you to glance up. what surprises you is not the sight of hyun-ho running down the field in your direction, but rather, kyung-jun following closely behind, his expression tight and his eyes wide with panic.
'i don't think i've ever seen him look so scared before. is it really because of me?'
"shit, that looks bad," hyun-ho breathes out as soon as he reaches you. kyung-jun pauses a couple feet away, standing awkwardly as his eyes catch sight of the injuries along your body. hyun-ho crouches down, taking your arm, "let me see."
"i'm fine-"
"you're bleeding." he states firmly, turning your arm gently to expose the scrapes. it didn't look bad the first time you saw it, but now that you're taking another look, you notice that it runs down nearly your entire arm, and the sight of the injury makes the pain spike.
"it's just a scrape." you mutter, which earns you a scoff.
"you should go to the nurse." jung-won cuts in, her tone gentle enough to make you comply. hyun-ho stands up, holding out his hand.
"come on, i'll take you-"
"i'll take her-"
all four of you pause, and you switch your attention between kyung-jun and hyun-ho, who said the sentence at the same time. both boys stare at one another, and the tension from the dodgeball game returns, their eyes sharp as they glare at each other. you share a glance with jung-won, who shrugs, giving you a look as if to say it's not her problem, and the decision is up to you. you turn back towards your friend, clearing your throat to gain their attention.
"hyun-ho," you say gently, and the boy turns, his face brightening hopefully at the sound of his name falling from your lips. you hesitate before continuing, "you still have an event to do, right? you shouldn't miss it. i'll go with kyung-jun."
his expression falls, "but-"
"seriously. it's fine." you smile reassuringly, and hyun-ho's expression hardens, like he wants to protest. he cuts another glance towards kyung-jun, who remains silent, perhaps even a little surprised by your words. eventually, however, he releases a sigh, the first indicator of his compliance.
"fine." he mutters, the words sharp and bitter, and he turns, stepping away from where you sit. as he passes by kyung-jun, he sends him one last glare, before walking away completely.
kyung-jun, undeterred by hyun-ho's hostility, steps closer, turning around and crouching. at first, you're confused, and when he realizes this fact, he releases a soft breath, mumbling out almost embarrassingly, "get on my back."
you blink, uncertain if you heard him correctly, "huh? why?"
"you were limping. you hurt your ankle right? you shouldn't walk over there."
heat rushes to your face. you thought you hid that injury pretty well, but it looks like nothing gets past kyung-jun's perceptiveness, "it's fine, i can-"
"do you have to be so stubborn?" he grumbles.
you hesitate, staring at his back for a second longer before taking a shaky breath and finally complying to his request. as soon as you're situated, kyung-jun places his palms beneath your knees, and he lifts you higher up his back, the sudden motion making you wrap your arms around his neck to steady yourself. you feel him pause for a moment, his breathing growing unsteady, before he stands up fully, walking in the direction of the school building.
as he does so, you find yourself acutely aware of your situation, and it makes nervousness settle in your limbs. this is the closest you've ever been to kyung-jun, even more than the hug you gave him that night of your concert. once again, you're hit with the selfish need to be even closer, to take a part of him greedily, consuming him entirely.
before you can stop yourself, you press your face against the nape of his neck, your breaths fanning against his skin, making a shiver run through is entire body. his familiar scent fills your nose, and his warmth soaks through his clothes, greater than the sun coming from above. you feel every shift of movement, the steady rise and fall of his chest, the twitch of his fingers where they hold you.
you wonder if he can feel it. your pounding heartbeat within his body, shaking your ribcage. you hope that he can.
you reach the nurses office far sooner than you would've liked, and as soon as you enter and kyung-jun gently places you down on a nearby bed, you feel the loss of his presence more deeply than before. you peer up at him, and he stares down in return, his expression conflicted, his eyes unreadable, his throat swallowing thickly to let something pass.
the nurse walks over, her face weary, as if this is not the first time she's been visited this day alone, "what is it this time? heat exhaustion?"
"she fell. she's bleeding from her arms and legs, and i think she twisted her ankle." kyung-jun responds.
she sighs, nodding her head as she dismisses him with a wave of her hand, "alright. i'll take care of her. you can go back outside."
kyung-jun's eyes slide back to your own, and you see him hesitate for a moment, like he doesn't truly want to leave, but he swallows down his conflict and turns around, disappearing behind the door, never to be seen again. you can't help the disappointment that weighs heavy on your chest as a result.
-
dong-hyun peeks around the corner of the stage, his eyes scanning the sea of faces. slowly, anticipation dawns upon his features, and he hurriedly turns back towards the rest of you, "is everyone ready?"
"pretty much. hey, there's a lot more people here than i thought there would be." hyun-ho exclaims.
"you can thank yoon-seo and jung-won for that. they posted everyday leading up to today." jun-hee replies, a hint of pride creeping into his tone.
you sigh dreamily, clasping your hand together, "they're awesome, aren't they?"
"guys," na-hee whispers suddenly, panic widening her eyes, "the magician just finished. i think it's our turn."
at the sound of na-hee's rushed voice, you all scramble into a singular line, one that was predetermined as the best way to move across the stage without getting in anyone's way. when the previous act steps off the stage, you wait for the sound of your band name being announced by the host, and finally, when the lights turn on once more, dong-hyun leads the way across.
as the light shines down on you, you face the crowd, waving your hands as a chorus of cheers erupt across the space. you walk towards your guitar, which leans against the speaker, and pull it over your body in one swift movement. you hold your guitar pick between your teeth as you lazily pluck the strings, turning the pegs so it matches the sound you're looking for. when that's situated, you share a glance with dong-hyun, then jun-hee, who nods once in your direction, the signal for you to start playing.
you take the guitar pick from your teeth, situating the instrument more comfortably against your body as you press it against the strings. dong-hyun, just like your previous practices, raises his drumsticks in the air, clicking them three times before bringing them down against the heart of the drum.
the melody that plays resonates throughout your entire body. you feel the deep strum of your and hyun-ho's guitar against the pads of your fingers, feel the press of na-hee's keys against your ears, dong-hyun's pounding drum within your chest, and finally, jun-hee's soft, mesmerizing voice in your throat. the music fills every part of you, every crack and crevice, until you're nothing but music notes and nostalgic melodies.
each of your friends move their bodies as they play, their own version of displaying the music in more than just coherent sound. dong-hyun's entire body shakes as he slams the sticks against each center of the drum, while na-hee only moves her head, replicating the gentle notes she plays. jun-hee wraps both hands around the mic, swaying side to side, and hyun-ho, out of everyone, uses his ability to move about freely to his advantage.
he turns towards you, giving you a wicked grin as he steps closer, pressing his back against your own. he leans into you, moving his fingers expertly across the body of the guitar, and you find yourself laughing at his playful antics, shaking your head slightly. when he finishes the melody, he shifts away, returning back to his spot. you shift your attention to the crowd.
you spot yoon-seo and jung-won first. front and center, the former jumping excitedly as she waves her hands in tandem to the music. jung-won nods her head along to the beat, a large smile plastered on her face. the colors of the lights, a mix of red, blue, purple, yellow and green display on the planes of her features, switching periodically as they are moved wildly throughout the room.
then, when you shift your eyes to the right, you see him. ko kyung-jun, just slightly at the edges of the crowd, but the place he stands in puts him directly in front of where your own body stands. and there's something about the way he looks at you. his eyes slightly wide, just barely, but they shine in wonder and amazement, completely in awe of the sight before him. that notion, the prospect that kyung-jun could regard you as a sight to behold, makes your heart race inside your chest.
at the end of the set, jun-hee's deep voice thanks the crowd profusely for attending, and he waves as he starts walking off the stage, followed by dong-hyun and na-hee. you and hyun-ho throw your guitar picks somewhere in the crowd, before waving your arms enthusiastically as you jog towards the exit.
when you're finally out of sight, all five of you chat endlessly as you walk away, your words blending together as you replay different parts of the performance. dong-hyun and na-hee's excitement is the most prominent of all, their eyes bright, hands moving wildly in front of their faces as their lips move rapidly to keep up with the thoughts running through their head. you watch it unfold with amusement, so enraptured by their happiness that you don't notice the person waiting at the corner until hyun-ho abruptly stops, his entire stance cold and guarded.
kyung-jun leans against the wall, tapping his foot anxiously against the ground. when the five of you approach, faltering at the sight of him, he finally lifts his head, his eyes flitting rapidly between each person before landing on your own. he pushes himself away from the wall, taking one step towards you as his voice comes out soft, urgent.
"i need to talk to you."
before you can respond, hyun-ho steps in front of you, his expression serious, something hyun-ho rarely ever displays with kyung-jun. usually, he is the one pushing buttons, treating their exchanges like a game, "back off man."
kyung-jun barely looks his way, "stay out of it. this is none of your damn business."
"it is my business because she's my friend."
"she's my friend too."
"do friends make each other cry?"
kyung-jun falters, his expression turning vulnerable for a split second before shifting back into his annoyance, his acrimony. his clenches his hands into tight fists, turning the knuckles white, and the muscle in his jaw jumps when he clenches his teeth.
hyun-ho lets out a disbelieving laugh, "what? you think you can come over here and apologize and things will be okay? you think you deserve her or something? you can't even show up for her when it matters."
"shut the fuck up. you don't know anything." kyung-jun snaps.
"i know you're pathetic."
it happens so quickly it doesn't register in your brain until several seconds later, your shock at the scene before you making your entire body grow impossibly still. one moment, hyun-ho is spitting hurtful words in kyung-jun direction, and the next, the latter is throwing a punch at his face, causing hyun-ho to stumble back in surprise. na-hee releases a gasp, and dong-hyun opens his mouth to speak, only to stop when hyun-ho rushes forward, throwing his own hits against kyung-jun's body.
frantic yells are pulled from each of your throats, followed by screams and grunts of pain. dong-hyun and jun-hee intervene immediately, pulling each boy back before it can escalate into something dangerous, but they both struggle in each other's grip, sneers and sharp glares pointed in each other's direction.
"let me go! i'll teach him a fucking lesson." kyung-jun grits out, attempting and failing to shrug jun-hee off.
hyun-ho scoffs, "oh yeah? i'd like to see you try."
"stop it! what is wrong with you two?" you shout, your loud voice causing both boys to suddenly stop, growing quiet.
they both avert their eyes, appearing guilty as they allow dong-hyun and jun-hee to finally release them. you huff out a disbelieving breath, your own irritation and hurt simmering beneath your skin. your voice comes out shaky as you speak.
"you're acting like children. grow up." you turn towards kyung-jun, who shifts slightly beneath your hard stare, his head tilted downwards, further displaying his shame, "you need to stop using violence to solve your problems. picking fights is not the answer. and you," you whirl around to hyun-ho, jabbing a finger aggressively against his chest, "stop aggravating him. you do it on purpose and i'm sick of it. kyung-jun is my friend too and if you hurt him for no reason at all i'll never talk to you ever again, do you hear me?"
hyun-ho doesn't respond, and at his silence, you let out another frustrated yell, turning around and disappearing down the hall. distantly, you hear jun-hee's calm voice speaking to each person, but you're only able to catch the first part of his sentence.
"kyung-jun, i think it's best if you leave. i'm sorry."
after that, you're too far to hear properly, let alone know what kyung-jun's response is. you direct your footsteps to the nearest bathroom, grateful when it reveals itself to be empty the second you step inside. you brace yourself against the sink, closing your eyes and doing your best to stop the tears from falling down your cheeks.
'why am i even crying?' you think bitterly, feeling angry when your emotions don't listen, and they spill anyways. you sniff, rubbing your arm across your eyes to wipe them away, but when it proves to be futile, you drop it in defeat, allowing each part of yourself to crumble completely, 'those dumb jerks. making me cry like this. i'll punch them myself. that'll show them.'
your internal threats are halfhearted at best, but it makes you feel better, directing your anger and frustration to their idiotic actions rather than the hurt still lingering in your chest. you release another sigh, calming down your ragged breathing, then splash cold water on your face, relieved when the low temperature makes the irritated flush on your cheeks disappear. after another second, you turn towards the door, marching back towards the stage.
'hyun-ho. you got some explaining to do.'
Notes:
okay ik a lot of you are probably pissed at kyung-jun and hyun-ho BUT i promise you both boys have their reasons and a lotttt of it will be explained next chapter. next chapter is also the last of the summer arc, so we'll officially be moving into fall HEHEHEH so excited for this era its gonna be lots of fun. OKAY idk when the last chapter will come out, probably sometime this weekend, depends on how motivated i am. ANYWAYS LOVE YOU ALL AND SEE YOU SOON
also if you're curious about the song they played for the performance, i couldn't find any korean songs that fit the vibe i was looking for, but the songs 'what once was' by her's and 'sex, drugs, etc.' by beach weather fit that summertime nostalgia vibe i wanted so you can listen to those
Chapter 14: twelve
Chapter Text
9 MONTHS BEFORE THE ACCIDENT.
JUNE - AUGUST
by the time you make it back to the stage, the auditorium is almost entirely empty. students and visitors trickle through the exit doors, and the bright overhead lights have been turned on, casting the vacant space in a warm glow. since you were the last performance to take place, each member of your band stands on stage, cleaning up the instruments and equipment so it's ready to be transported to the music center in the morning.
your presence is announced by the click of your shoes, thudding harshly against the ground, commanding the attention of the room. dong-hyun glances up first, and when he takes in the shape of your lips set in a thin line, the way your eyes narrow in on a certain boy across the room, he nervously clears his throat, nudging the individual with the sharp bone of his elbow.
as soon as hyun-ho glances up and meets your hard stare, he pauses, blinking slowly in your direction, traces of his guilt left behind across the planes of his features. the rest of your friends shuffle awkwardly at the tense silence that suffocates the atmosphere, sharing uneasy looks with one another as they all attempt to think of a way to respond to the simmering conflict waiting to arise.
jun-hee is the one to finally fill the silence, "i think we've all had a long day today. we can clean up in the morning." he gives pointed looks to both na-hee and dong-hyun, who are quick to understand the underlying message behind his words. 'let's leave them alone to talk things out.' either due to unease or simply all to eager to go home, they quickly grab their things and shuffle out with barely any protest, leaving with only a quick goodbye thrown over their shoulders.
when you hear the door click shut, the sound of it echoing throughout the space, you let the silence settle for a moment longer before speaking.
"why did you do that?"
hyun-ho appears taken aback by your question, and he visibly recoils, his puzzlement replacing his earlier guilt, "what?"
"why do you always start fights with him?" you clarify.
hyun-ho frowns, and there, emerging from the depths of his emotions, comes his irritation, "he punched me first-"
"don't act like you're innocent," you cut in sharply. hyun-ho goes quiet, and you release a long, drawn out breath, running a hand down your face, "this entire day you've been taunting him, like you want him to start something," you drop your hand, meeting hyun-ho's eyes once more, and there's a bit of hurt creeping into your tone as you speak, "i'm getting tired of it hyun-ho. i get it, okay? you hate him because he used to be a bully, and you've never been the type of person to stand by when someone is getting hurt. but kyung-jun is not that person anymore. so why? why do you still treat him like shit?"
hyun-ho doesn't respond at first. he stares at you for a long time, something flickering across his dark eyes, an emotion you've never been able to put a name to creeping to the surface. it shifts his entire demeanor, all within the matter of a second. he no longer looks frustrated at the entire predicament. he no longer looks guilty, ashamed that he would let his personal grudge guide his decisions. instead, he looks vulnerable. defeated. a version of the boy you've never seen before.
hyun-ho has always been confident. he carries his head high, shoulders rolled back, easily taking space in a room while taking attention like he was born for it. you think it's always been in his nature. to turn heads and gain the public's favor, if not by his charm, then by his looks. the world could not deny that jang hyun-ho was destined for greatness, and the boy knew that.
so why? why does he look at you like he's crumbling? like whatever words forming on the tip of his tongue could easily be turned into a weapon that destroys him completely?
"don't you know why?" he murmurs gently, barely above a whisper. it's like he's pleading with you desperately to understand. to not make him say the words out loud.
your chest tightens, an uncomfortable feeling stirring in the depths of your stomach. you're almost afraid to voice your curiosity verbally. you get the feeling that as soon as you do, the world will change, and no amount of wishes will turn it back, "know what?"
hyun-ho release a soft breath, a sad smile forming on his lips, "come on. i thought i made it pretty obvious this time around."
'this time around?'
he steps closer, his proximity enough to make you tilt your head up to face him properly. your body grows rigid, caught between stepping away from the conversation entirely and needing to know. needing an answer as to why the boy you grew up with has suddenly changed.
hyun-ho flutters his eyes shut for a brief moment, and his words come out a little shaky, as if they carry a heavy weight, noticeable to make a difference, "because i like you."
you suck in a sharp breath, feeling all the air in your lungs get pulled away from your body, leaving you with nothing but pure dread. you search his face, frantically seeking his usual mischief. his playfulness. anything that would reveal this to be nothing but a cruel joke.
"i have for a while now. ever since we were kids."
suddenly, you're hit with a different memory. a distant one from the past, not unlike the current scene before you. only, in the images that surface to mind, the roles are reversed. instead of hyun-ho pouring out his heart, it's you who spills the truth from trembling lips.
"hyun-ho. i like you."
"i'm sorry."
hyun-ho rejected you that day because he knew how important your careers were to each other. he knew that the path he wanted to take as an olympian was far different from the one you wanted as a musician, and if you started a relationship, it would only hold you back. love was bound to hurt you both. as time passed, you realized he was right. hyun-ho did not delay the inevitable, he simply saved you the pain that came with the outcome.
so when your feelings disappeared, and you found yourself back in time, you had no intention of ever repeating this moment. to put it simply, there was no point. hyun-ho never would've admitted the feelings himself, and the affection you held no longer existed. this whole scenario should've been impossible. and yet it's here, right in front of you, playing before your eyes. and it feels wrong. like something is amiss within the world, and you don't know who or what the anomaly is.
numbly, you feel yourself shaking your head, shuffling back step by fearful step, "that's...no. this is wrong. this isn't-"
"but you like him, don't you? kyung-jun." hyun-ho cuts in suddenly.
you feel your mouth grow dry, unable to answer him properly. what could you even say? hyun-ho knows the truth even without you confirming it. you can tell by the way he said it, the accusatory tone thick in his voice, coating it like mud.
hyun-ho glances away, his eyes reflected with something not much different than hurt. he stares at the ground, running his hand through his hair frustratingly, causing the strands to stick up in wild directions. "i don't get it. why is it different this time? what changed?"
you know he's not talking to you. the inquires are muttered under his breath, like he's trying to solve the puzzle on his own. regardless of the fact, you hear it, and the choice in words, it makes your entire body go cold, "what?"
hyun-ho starts pacing around the room, his mutterings becoming more hasty, trying to keep up with his rapid thoughts, "back then you never gave him a second thought. i was almost convinced you didn't know he existed. but all of a sudden you're seeking him out, calling him your friend," he pauses suddenly, his eyes growing wide, "is this like the butterfly effect? did i accidentally change things by being here?"
he releases a frustrated curse, finally ceasing his restless motions. he slides his eyes back to your own, and they become softer, creased at the corners, smoothing out his tense expression. he takes a step closer to you, and for some reason, he looks guilty again. but you get the feeling that it's unrelated to his earlier fight with kyung-jun. the reason for his guilt is something else entirely, something you've yet to grasp.
"i thought if i came back i could save you. if i hadn't put my career over us...if i had reached out more, you wouldn't have gotten hurt."
your furrow your eyebrows, "i don't-"
"it's my fault. i'm sorry. i should've shown up that day. i ruined your life. if i hadn't-" he stops, choking on the emotion thickening in his voice, "if i hadn't pushed you away you wouldn't have been there in the first place."
"hyun-ho. what are you talking about?"
"listen to me," he grips your arms firmly, his expression and tone serious, insisting that you do as he commands, "you need to stay away from kyung-jun. you may not know it, but the people he hangs out with, they're bad news. it should've been him that day but instead it was you."
"you're not making any sense."
"i know. i wish i could show you instead. if you saw the future, you'd understand."
every single bone in your body, every muscle, goes still. there is not a single shift of movement, not from your lungs nor heart, all motions halting at the words hyun-ho just uttered. there's a ringing in your ears, growing louder and louder as your brain processes the syllables, picking them apart and morphing it back together, only to come to the same conclusion.
"if you saw the future, you'd understand."
"the future...?" you repeat numbly, and even as you say it, it feels foreign on your tongue. wrong. but it doesn't feel like a lie. and that's what scares you the most.
hyun-ho's eyes widen, like he didn't mean to let the words slip. he hesitates, his palms opening and closing around your arms nervously, "it sounds crazy, but-"
"don't tell me...you're from there, too?"
he falters, and you wonder if your own words feel amiss as they shape themselves upon his tongue, "too?"
the entire room goes silent. for several seconds, it's just the two of you, staring at each other like you don't recognize the person before you. like you're seeing them for the first time. and as it all sinks in, as the peculiarities over the months regarding your friend pile up and materialize at the forefront of your mind, you feel like your entire body has been dumped in cold water. the way he talked as if he knew something you didn't. treating you differently than you remembered. what could it be if not the question forming in the back of your throat, finally producing sound?
"hyun-ho. be honest with me. did you...travel back in time?"
instead of looking confused. instead of laughing in disbelief. instead of wearing any of the emotions you expected of him, hyun-ho swallows thickly, appearing like a deer caught in headlights, "yes."
you blink, hoping you heard the word wrong, but there is no mistaking it. you glance away, running your fingers through your hair, "no way. how is this possible? i thought i was the only one...how did you come back? and why?"
hyun-ho's expression finally displays a bit of bewilderment. he frowns, "hold on. you speak as if you came back, too. did you?"
you hesitate for a moment before nodding, "yes. i did."
hyun-ho laughs in disbelief, "this is...why? did you also come back to prevent your accident?"
"my accident?" you mumble, shaking your head, "i came for kyung-jun."
his frown deepens, "him? why?"
"didn't you read the news? he's dead hyun-ho. kyung-jun dies less than four years from now."
hyun-ho's eyes widen slightly in surprise. he must not have heard then. he glances away, contemplating for a moment, before returning his attention to your face, "still, you guys didn't become friends until recently. don't tell me you liked him even in the past?"
"i don't know. but what i do know is that i can't let him die. i just can't."
"are you even listening to me? you can't get involved with those people."
"i don't care. if i go deaf then so be it. i'll gladly trade my hearing for his life."
hyun-ho sighs deeply, composing himself for a moment before speaking in a gentler tone, "look, your mind is all over the place right now. you should get some rest before making any rash decisions."
"i made my choice a long time ago. just because you're here to save me doesn't mean i'll let you stop me from saving him."
hyun-ho stares at you in disbelief, "you're seriously gonna-"
"i'm leaving." you announce, spinning around and reaching for your bag. you pull the straps over your shoulders, adjusting the weight on your back as you walk. you're only able to take a couple steps before hyun-ho's fingers are wrapped around your wrist, preventing you from taking another.
"please don't do this. think about your life. your career. you're really going to throw it all away for him?"
"wouldn't you do the same for the person you love?"
hyun-ho falters, and his hesitance, his lack of response, tells you enough. you pull away, sparing him your consideration only for a second longer before turning back around, and this time, you don't stop until you exit the building.
-
the cool night air hits you instantly. the breeze presses against the flush on your cheeks, a product of the heated argument you just had with hyun-ho. even just thinking about it makes your frustration return, but you aren't in the right headspace to continue. it's definitely a topic you have to revisit, as much as you dread the conversation.
you approach the school gates, and when you turn to your left, you see your bus stop several meters down the road, vacant, with no signs of the vehicle coming any time soon. the thought of standing there, waiting with nothing to do but replay the events that occurred, feels far from appealing to you. you turn towards your right, down the empty street lit by the warm yellow glow of streetlamps. the convenience store you visited the first time you approached kyung-jun isn't that far away, just past the corner at the end of the block. your body makes the decision before your mind does, directing your footsteps down the path.
perhaps a long walk and some mango milk will help you clear your head.
the steady, mindless motions of putting one foot in front of the other and keeping your eyes trained to the floor keeps you busy, enough to cease the conflicted emotions stirring within your stomach. instead, your mind drifts elsewhere, towards a boy with dark eyes and a scowl laid permanently upon his lips. you wonder what kyung-jun is doing right now. what did he want to talk about earlier? was he finally ready to face the conversation you had that night?
'i miss him.'
you turn the corner, and you're suddenly bombarded with the smell of cigarettes. you cough, waving your hand in the air to disperse the smoke, faltering slightly when you notice a man leaning casually against the wall. he doesn't look much older than you, perhaps in his early twenties, but his appearance is what sends a fearful stutter in the rhythm of your heart. not only are there piercings decorating his face and tattoos peeking from his shirt, but the way he lazily drags his eyes to your own, something dangerous lurking beneath the dark gaze, delight, recognition, like he's been expecting you, makes you take a nervous step back.
"hey kid."
his voice makes you freeze, and you hesitantly glance up, carefully watching the way he pushes his body away from the wall and shakes off the ash from his cigarette.
he tilts his head at you, "you're from yooil high, right?"
you swallow thickly, curling your fingers around the edge of your skirt as you do you best to keep your voice steady. 'don't show fear. he'll catch it.' "do i know you?"
a smile spreads across his face, not carrying an ounce of kindness nor affection, "no. but i know you. you're that musician. you play the violin real pretty."
something prickles the back of your neck, slowly traveling down the length of your spine. you take another step back, nervously avoiding his eyes, "sorry, i have to go-"
someone comes up behind you, and it's not the weight of their presence against your back that causes you to freeze. it's not the way the man before you chuckles darkly, delighted by your fright. it's the press of something sharp felt through your school uniform, digging into the soft flesh of your side. not deep enough to hurt, but to remind you that it's there. a warning.
"so soon?" the man asks, feigning disappointment as he steps closer, "come on, let's chat for a bit."
"please let me go." you whisper, afraid to make even the slightest movement. 'is there anyone nearby? can i call for help? are they going to kill me?'
the man leans down, inspecting your face carefully. you continue to avoid his gaze, staring at your beat up shoes, refraining from the instinct to squeeze your eyes shut and disassociate from the entire conversation. but from the corner of your eye you can see his smile widen, a soft chuckle leaving his throat, "now i know why kyung-jun likes you so much. you have pretty eyes."
kyung-jun.
it clicks then, who these people are. why they didn't seem surprised to see you. the gang. the people who kill kyung-jun three years from now. who take away his life like it means nothing.
the man lifts up his head, leaning towards your ear, and you flinch when you feel his hot breath against your skin when he speaks, "listen. if you don't want to get hurt, you'll follow along silently, okay?"
words fail you. even if you wanted to say something, to retaliate perhaps, it wouldn't have mattered. all sounds die in the back of your throat, a graveyard of all the things you never said. the man tips his head back and laughs, slinging an arm around your shoulder and forcing you to move, matching his footsteps, helpless against the knife still pressed against your back.
-
"ye-na! i brought you something."
a woman looks up disinterestedly from her nails, raising a heavily filled eyebrow in response to the scene before her. her sharp eyes drag from the man to your form, trembling violently at the entrance to a smoke heavy karaoke room.
"huh? a high schooler?" she questions, looking more confused than disgusted by the sight.
the man grins, pushing you forward and guiding you to stand in front of the woman, "not just any high schooler," he begins, patting your shoulders lightly, grinning wickedly, "she's the girl kyung-jun likes."
"kyung-jun?" her red lips part in surprise, and she examines you more closely. slowly, her own smile forms, "she's pretty cute. he has good taste. what's your name?"
your mouth opens, but once again, you're hit with the inability to speak. the woman frowns, appearing displeased, and the man behind you clicks his tongue in annoyance.
"hey, don't be rude. did your parents not teach you any manners?"
ye-na scowls, "stop it, min-jun, you're scaring her. look at her, she's shaking like a leaf," she turns back towards you, shifting over and patting the space beside her, "come here, sit down. you like to sing?"
the man shoves you forward, and you stumble before catching your footing, hesitantly lowering your body against the couch. the room is hot, filled with sweaty bodies and the suffocating smell of alcohol and cigarettes, making it hard to breathe. the woman hands you a microphone, and you curl your fingers around it, squeezing it so tight your knuckles turn white. the vacant space on the other side of you is quickly occupied by min-jun, who leans back casually, swinging a bottle of beer towards his lips.
ye-na starts singing obnoxiously into her mic, swaying her body side to side while her shrill, drunken voice rings in your ears. you stiffen every time her body collides with your own, and while she encourages you to sing along with her, you can never bring yourself to comply.
you glance down, noting the way your hands tremble, and your feet are planted firmly on the ground, ready to run the moment an opportunity presents itself. but so far, it's apparent that you're trapped. you're squished between two bodies, and the space between the couch and the table in front of you is so small you'd have to shuffle past min-jun to leave.
you consider grabbing your phone. you feel the weight of it in your pocket, a tempting offer. but every time you shift, min-jun's eyes cut towards you sharply, eyes narrowed suspiciously like he's waiting for you to give him a reason to hurt you. so you remain still, never uttering a word, barely breathing a sound as you pray that the entire nightmare you're stuck in goes away.
"hey, smile for the camera," min-jun leans in suddenly, throwing an arm around your shoulder as he lifts up his phone. you catch a glimpse of yourself on the screen when it captures the moment. your eyes wide and fearful. your body language screaming discomfort. min-jun finally pulls away, lowering his phone as he taps his fingers against the device, "let's see how long it takes kyung-jun to respond."
your head snaps up quickly at the mention of his name. min-jun takes notice, his smirk widening in response. the dread from earlier intensifies, and now more than ever you wish to find a way to escape. if kyung-jun comes here...
you have no idea what these people would do to him.
'stay home kyung-jun. don't come looking for me. i'll figure it out myself. just please. don't change your habits. think about yourself. please be safe.'
as time passes, the ticking hands of it growing more and more urgent, your eyes dart around the room, searching for anything that could help your situation. there are probably seven other people in the room beside yourself. ye-na, min-jun, another guy with short brown hair and two girls who appear to be ye-na's friends. the three of them sit a bit further away from the door, occupied in their own conversation, barely glancing your way. so your only obstacle is min-jun.
on the table are empty beer bottles and plates of food, along with an ashtray in the center. the beer bottles you could use as a weapon if it came to it. if wielded the correct way, it could create a distraction long enough for you to bolt for the exit. the microphone in your hands could come in handy, too. though not as effective, it is better than nothing.
just as you're entertaining the thoughts in your mind, the door slams open, the loud thud of the heavy wood hitting the wall causing the room to grow quiet. all at once, each head turns towards the source of the sound, and you feel your heart drop down into your stomach at the sight.
ko kyung-jun breathes heavily at the entrance, his appearance disheveled, hair falling wildly around his face and his feature tense with panic. he looks like he ran here, never stopping once along the way, not until his hands reached the handle and entered the room. his eyes flit rapidly across the space, and when they land on you, you see the way his shoulders seem to sag ever so slightly in relief.
"kyung-jun. long time no see. finally decided to return my calls?" min-jun muses.
kyung-jun ignores him. his eyes never leave your own, not once, as he marches across the room and reaches for you, "let's go-"
min-jun stands up so quickly you don't register it at first, blinking as he cuts in front of kyung-jun and prevents him from reaching you. the boy's stance goes rigid, his jaw tight, and min-jun merely laughs at the sight, "what? leaving so soon? you just got here," he lays a hand on kyung-jun's shoulder, ushering him towards the couch, "come on, sit down. have a drink."
kyung-jun doesn't move, but he doesn't respond either. his eyes harden, and you hate it. the way he seems to close in on himself, keeping his guard up in the presence of his awful man. min-jun releases an annoyed breath, a deep frown forming on his lips.
"you know, you've gotten pretty bold. all grown up, are we? first you ignored my text messages, then you told me you didn't want to work for us anymore. it really hurt my feelings," he spares you a glance, and you stiffen beneath his scrutiny. kyung-jun's jaw tightens even more, and once again, min-jun catches the shift in his demeanor. he smiles, "is it 'cause of her? you decided to turn your life around for this girl?"
"yeah, so what?" kyung-jun snaps back.
min-jun starts laughing hysterically, shaking his entire body, bringing tears to the corners of his eyes. the sound is chilling, cutting through the space sharply like a knife, making the dread grow bigger. he finally composes himself, regarding kyung-jun like he's nothing more than a naive child, "you think it's that easy? you don't just get to leave without consequences kyung-jun."
the scoff that's produced from your throat is not of your own accord. it's pulled out of you involuntarily, a result of the hatred you feel towards this man. the way he treats kyung-jun like he's nothing. as if he's someone beneath him, dirt beneath his shoe. slowly, min-jun turns towards you, giving you a questioning glance, and you figure you're too far in to keep silently watching him belittle the person you care about the most.
you stand up, fixing him with your hard stare as you cross your arms over your chest, "just because your own life is pathetic doesn't mean you need to drag kyung-jun down with you."
he chokes out a breath, easily mistakable for a laugh, "the fuck did you say to me bitch?" he turns around to face you fully, peering down at you with an eerily calm expression, "yah, kyung-jun. your girl has a sharp tongue. she learn that from you?" he shakes his head, tsking at you disapprovingly, "that won't do. girl's should learn to keep their mouths shut."
min-jun raises his hand, and you flinch, bracing yourself for the hit. but it never comes, and when you open your eyes, you notice kyung-jun's fingers wrapped around the man's wrist. for a brief moment, he's caught off guard, perhaps never expecting the boy to ever go against him, and kyung-jun takes advantage of his surprise. he pulls his other arm back, swinging as hard as he can until his fist connects with his face with a sickening crack.
screams erupt across the entire room, all three women shuffling back in fright as they scramble away from the commotion. the only other man quickly rises to his feet, eyes pinned to the fight occurring, and you don't waste a second as you reach for the nearest soju bottle and smash the end against the edge of the table. the glass shatters, leaving behind a jagged point, and you point it towards him. he pauses, appearing taken aback at first, before curling his lips into a smile when he notices the way your hands tremble.
"scared, are you?"
"stay back. i'm warning you."
he chuckles at your threat before dashing forward, forcing you to swing your makeshift weapon blindly in his direction. somehow, it ends up hitting its mark, and the man lets out a scream, clutching his palm as a stream of blood coats it rapidly with each passing second. you throw it at his face, and he stumbles back, releasing a curse when it leaves a cut across his cheek.
from behind you, kyung-jun is releasing his own curses, his frustrated grunts and pained breaths forcing you to act quickly. while the other man is distracted, you grab another soju bottle, coming up to min-jun and swinging it across his head as hard as you can.
the effect is immediate. the glass shatters, sprinkling to the floor, coated in a thin layer of blood. min-jun stumbles, dazed, releasing kyung-jun as he presses a hand against his head. kyung-jun's eyes widen, slowly meeting your own in bewilderment, but you don't give anyone anymore time to respond as you pick up your backpack and reach for his hand, dragging him out of the room.
from behind you, you hear min-jun's frustrated cursing, but you don't turn back. you don't stop running even as you and kyung-jun make it outside, immediately dashing down the street past various alleyways and vacant paths. you don't stop until the room is so far behind you, their shouts no more, that you can almost forget about it. like it's some distant fever dream to push into to the back of your mind.
you make it to a small neighborhood, a deserted playground filled with the sound of creaking swing sets and the distant wind. you slow down, releasing kyung-jun's hand as you gasp for breath. you press your palm flat against your chest, gulping down as much air as possible, squeezing your eyes shut as you listen to your heartbeat in your ears.
you hear a shift of movement behind you, and kyung-jun appears by your side. just like before, his face is tight with tension, his eyes wide with pure, unfiltered panic, clear enough to make your lungs feel smaller than they actually are. he grabs your arms, his voice ragged in the cool night air.
"are you hurt? did they touch you? let me see." his eyes roam across every inch of your body, searching for a single scratch upon your skin. emotion clogs at the back of your throat, building and building until it is too much to bear, too much to keep contained within yourself. and even though you're mad at him for coming, for putting his life in danger for your own, it becomes clear why. so painstakingly clear it almost makes you cry.
"you came for me." you croak out.
kyung-jun pauses, slowly lifting his eyes. he stares at you for a long time, drinking you in, like the sight of you is one he can never get enough of. one he must engrave in his memory, counting the rise and fall of your chest and the rhythm of your heart. his eyes shift, glossed over with something tender. something pained.
then, kyung-jun does something you never would've expected.
he pulls you forward, one hand cradling the back of your head, the other flat against your back, pressing you against his body so you're as close as humanely possible. and he holds you. he holds you like you're something precious, something he wants to protect. the events of the day hit you hard, and you feel the emotion in your throat release, your arms reaching around his trembling frame and holding him just as tightly, just as fervently, as if the moment you pull away, he'll disappear.
'of course i came for you.' his actions seem to say, and the sobs are pulled raggedly from your throat.
later on, you find yourselves sitting on the swing set. while kyung-jun remains still, his shoes digging into the sand, your own feet don't quite reach the ground, and you swing gently, legs swaying uselessly in the air. once again it's quiet for a long time. at first, you considered being the one to break it. to discuss the events that just occurred. perhaps the fight after the performance. maybe even what happened at your senior trip.
but instead, you opted for patience. somehow, you get the feeling that this is a conversation kyung-jun needs to take control of. so you remain quiet, letting kyung-jun be the one to come to you. and he does.
"you really are from the future, aren't you?"
it's not the question you were expecting. you feel your entire body freeze, almost forgetting about the scene on the balcony where you admitted that crucial detail. you assumed kyung-jun would brush it off, paying no mind to something scientifically impossible, even if it's the truth. you don't speak, trying to find the words that would best explain it, but kyung-jun is speaking once more, and when you spare him a glance, his eyes are trained to the ground, where his sneakers shuffle the sand beneath him.
"that bracelet," he begins, nodding his head towards the accessory around your wrist. subconsciously, your fingers brush against it, "my mom made it. she's the only one who tied her knots like that. there's no way you could have it. not unless i gave it to you. but when i checked my room, there it was. sitting in my drawer. so the only way you could have it is if you brought it from the future."
you stare down at your hands, fiddling with the knot he mentioned. you let out a soft sigh, fluttering your eyes shut for a brief moment, "i didn't expect you to believe me. i wasn't planning on telling you. how do you explain that to someone?"
kyung-jun lets out a hollow laugh, "i still find it hard to believe. but the more i thought about it, the more i realized there's no other explanation. so it must be the truth."
"i can barely believe it either."
"so, why?"
you blink, "why what?"
kyung-jun shifts, and he finally lifts up his head, staring at you intensely, "in the movies, people usually come back for a purpose. you came here for a reason, didn't you?"
you think back to that day. kyung-jun's picture at the memorial service. the creased photograph in his wallet. the lighter clutched protectively within your fingers, wishing desperately for a second chance. for a single moment within a world where he still exists, his figure taking space, the way it's supposed to be. it's still so strange when you think about it. how deeply you felt his loss when you barely knew him. as if your body knew the love you would harbor for him one day, long before it actually occurred.
"i came to see you." you breathe out softly.
kyung-jun's expression shifts. first into confusion, then something else, unreadable to your eyes, but one you're used to. he wears it often, almost as much as his frustration. his amusement. he squints, tilting his head in your direction, "does something happen to me in the future?"
you hesitate. you're not sure what will happen if you reveal his fate. but you don't want to lie to kyung-jun. not anymore.
"you die," you state simply. kyung-jun's face barely changes, not enough to show clear signs of fear or acceptance of the path laid before him. his destiny. but he does tighten his fingers within his lap, remaining still and silent. you swallow thickly, and you're unable to prevent your pain from creeping into your tone, "and i couldn't bear it. i couldn't live in a world without you in it. so i made a wish. i wished to start over. to do it right this time."
there's a long pause. kyung-jun takes in your words carefully, allowing them to sink in, reaching deep within his muscles and bones until it's a part of him. you shift in your seat, the chains creaking in protest as you release a shaky breath.
"kyung-jun."
he blinks, his attention yours for the taking, waiting patiently for you to continue. 'well, here goes nothing.'
"i meant what i said that night," you start, suddenly hit with a wave of nerves consuming your entire body. you curl your fingers within your lap, squeezing your eyes shut as you listen to your heart. it pounds within your ribcage, THUMP THUMP THUMP, following the beat of a drum. a sound you've grown accustomed to. something familiar, an intimate part of yourself heard only by you and one other person. a smile curls your lips, and you turn back towards him, allowing the tune playing in your ears to guide your words, "every time i look at you, i hear this melody. i think-no," you correct yourself, stating it firmly, "i know it's love. it's a love song."
kyung-jun's eyes widen, just barely, but you catch it nonetheless. it's cute, the way his astonishment softens the features of his face, making him look younger than he actually is. his lips part slightly, his eyes flitting rapidly between your own, still taking in your confession. you don't expect him to say anything in return. you just wanted to be honest. to clear up the misunderstandings so he never has to doubt the way you feel.
then, kyung-jun abruptly stands, and you're caught off guard by the sudden movement, following him as he walks over and stands in front of you. you peer up at him, puzzled, but it all vanishes the moment kyung-jun's fingers wrap around the chains of the swing set, gripping it tightly as he tugs it forward while leaning his head down.
you don't register it at first. the press of his lips against your own, so soft, so gentle, it's barely there. but you feel it, not just within the action alone, but by the sharp intake of his breath, the tremble of his lips, his warmth passing over into your own skin. at first, you don't move, your brain not catching up with what's happening, blinking slowly. but the moment kyung-jun shifts away, the moment you feel the loss of his touch, your body reacts on its own.
you reach your arms forward, one hand tightening around the strands at the back of his head, pulling him closer, while the other cradles the side of his face. kyung-jun releases a surprised noise from the back of his throat, faltering only for a moment before responding just as fervently.
you move against each other, acutely aware of the other's motions, pressing forward when one shifts back and tilting your head to fit against the space created. kyung-jun exhales shakily through his nose, and your own fingers tremble against his cheek, brushing the flushed skin delicately with the pad of your thumb. another sound is pulled from his throat, the melody sending a pleasant spark down your spine, and you tighten your fingers around his hair as a response.
kyung-jun's free hand slides against your neck, cradling your jaw, his warm, calloused palm a comforting touch upon your skin. then, his fingers slide back down to your pulse point, which jumps at the contact, your pounding heart vibrating from your body to his own.
'oh, he knows exactly what he's doing to you, doesn't he? it's like you're unraveling each other piece by piece, taking and taking until there's nothing left to give. you like it, the idea that kyung-jun belongs to you just as much as you belong to him. the way he allows himself to be known by you, giving no protests and no complaints.'
you don't want to pull away. you want to stay in that moment forever, frozen in time, feeling nothing by the press of kyung-jun's lips against your skin until you can't take it anymore. but your lungs start to ache with the need for air, and you can't deny it any longer. kyung-jun must feel a similar desire, for he shifts back, just slightly, his breaths ragged as he slowly flutters his eyes open.
you peer up at him, in awe by the look present on his features. his lips are red and bruised, a product of your own doing, and his cheeks are flushed red. his eyes are half lidded, a bit dazed, fixed on your own expression. you wonder if you appear to be in a similar state. you wonder if it affects kyung-jun the way it affects you. the need to forget about oxygen and pull him back.
kyung-jun swallows thickly, his voice coming out as a croak as he breathes, "then lets do it. you said you wanted to change things. to do it right this time. then let's start. right here, right now."
you blink, taking in the weight of his words and holding it tightly to your chest, refusing to ever let them go. kyung-jun studies you intently, waiting for any shift in your demeanor that will show your compliance or disagreement. he doesn't take until you let him.
'what, done being greedy, kyung-jun?' you think, feeling a smile form.
instead of responding, you pull him back down, back to the familiar shape of your lips.
'too bad you've rubbed off on me, huh? you make me selfish, kyung-jun. so i'll take for the both of us.'
Notes:
well guys. it happened. it only took twelve chapters and like 80,000 words, but they finally kissed HAHAHAH can you tell i like slow burn.
this marks the end of the summer arc, and i'll miss it so dearly. it was definitely the longest out of all of them, even though everything happens within a short amount of time. but even though its sad to say goodbye to summer, it just brings new possibilities for the fall :D
this is also the halfway point of the book. the next two arcs are pretty short. i think about four chapters per arc? at least, that's what i planned out. idk how long they will actually turn out. we shall see how things go. it's actually kinda crazy 'cause originally i mapped out this book to be like 16 chapters. chapter twelve was always supposed to be the start of their dating era too. but i felt like i wanted to include more development to their romantic relationship and feed you guys with fluff regarding their dynamic as a couple (ah their dating era is so cute i can't wait to share it with you guys)
i'm also sad to say that my spring break has officially ended and i'll be returning to school on monday so no more updates every day :C i'll go back to updating once a week (although since we are starting a new arc, ill be uploading a sneak peek with photos as usual sometime this week)
FINAL NOTE!! i've mentioned it on my wattpad, but for those who don't follow me there, i've decided to work on another story as well. i've recently grown an obsession for woo jeonghu (cha woomins role in melo movie) and i've already started mapping out bits and pieces of the fanfic. it'll definitely be a lot more lighthearted than my other fanfics, perhaps even a lot shorter, but i want to feed the fandom with some content (and feed my own delusions) SO i'd love for you guys to support me on that story as well. idk when it'll come out but i'll let you guys know.
anyways thanks for sticking around this far. promise everything will be mostly fluffy from now on (with a few exceptions. i can't stay away from the hurt/comfort for long) but i'll feed you guys good trust. I LOVE YOU ALL AND ILL SEE YOU FOR THE AUTUMN HEHEHEH MWAH
Chapter 15: autumn
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
(n.) the fall of a leaf from a shaky, bare branch, fluttering to the ground without a single sound. flushed cheeks from the cold, seeking warmth from a comforting presence, spreading steadily throughout your entire body. there's something peaceful about it. standing at the foot of the treelined path, feeling a lover's hand tangled within your own.
Notes:
the dating era is gonna go CRAZYYYYY AAAHHHHH also once again i was supposed to hold off on posting this but i finished finalizing the storyline for the autumn arc and my fingers ended up slipping and posting this LOL anyways you guys are free to leave your theories i mean nothing too crazy happens this arc. it's mainly full of fluff and development in their relationship. also it's a pretty short arc compared to the summer one. only about four chapters. i'll see you guys this saturday with the first chapter!!
Chapter 16: thirteen
Notes:
enjoy the calm before the storm
Chapter Text
6 MONTHS BEFORE THE ACCIDENT.
SEPTEMBER - NOVEMBER
the fall of summer into autumn brought upon a gentle sort of cold. mornings became chilly with a shivering induced temperature, requiring the use of light jackets and long, thick socks. trees began to shake, dropping multicolored leaves onto the ground, resulting in a loud crunch with each step you take.
it should've been felt within your own body, this lack of warmth in the air. slowly freezing the earth into something barren. a steadily dying life form. a plague of sadness begins to take root and spread into people's bodies, a sort of helplessness as a result of the shift within the world.
and yet, your body burns.
it is felt most prominently in your chest. a warm ache in the space between your ribs. a pleasant heat curling in the depths of your belly. the rapid pounding of your heart, the speed in which it moves akin to the flickering flames of a bonfire. it takes and it takes, consuming you entirely. and you let it.
because when you step outside the door and feel the soft breeze against your flushed cheeks, when you walk down the path and goosebumps crawl along your skin, when you turn the corner into the main road and catch sight of a boy, any signs of the cold that previously surrounded you swiftly vanishes.
you pause, drinking the sight of him in. ko kyung-jun stands several feet away, comfortable in his position, his head titled towards the road where his eyes lazily scan the motions of cars passing and people walking by. due to the shift in seasons, kyung-jun now wears his winter uniform, and he looks especially handsome in the crisp blue blazer around his tall frame.
you take off at a brisk walk, the sound of your shoes thumping against the sidewalk urging him to glance up. as soon as he spots you, as soon as the recognition settles in, ko kyung-jun's expression softens with a smile.
arms spread wide open, you don't stop moving until your body collides with his own. kyung-jun releases a grunt at the force of impact, but he doesn't make any more noise of complaints, simply allowing you to wrap your arms tightly around his body and press your face against his chest. unlike before, when kyung-jun would hesitate to step anywhere near your space, his arms easily slip around your body, returning the gesture as his chin rests easily on the top of your head.
the warmth of his body, the security of his presence surrounding you, makes your stomach flutter. the tender affection always lingering in your body, practically apart of your very being, swells like waves against the shore. you shift, tilting your head upwards, smiling broadly at kyung-jun before jumping up and sneaking a kiss onto his lips.
as you pull away, kyung-jun's face shifts into that of surprise, rapidly blinking away the dazed look reflected in his eyes. as the moment sinks in, he quickly averts his gaze, his ears transforming into that familiar shade of red you've grown used to seeing in recent weeks.
"what's wrong jun? are you embarrassed?" you tease, angling your body to peer directly into his eyes. he releases an annoyed breath, beginning a slow walk down the road without a word. undeterred, you hurriedly fall into step beside him, reaching down and curling your fingers around his own.
kyung-jun doesn't falter in his stride nor does he comment on the gesture, but his ears turn even redder, causing a bubble of laughter to slip through your teeth. his hand squeezes yours once, tightly.
"did you eat already?" he asks, sparing you a quick glance.
you clear your throat, and this time, you're the one avoiding his eyes. kyung-jun notices the shift in your demeanor, and he sends you a pointed glare, causing you to smile at him guiltily, "ah, well, i might have woken up a little late today..."
kyung-jun sighs, the sound both exasperated but not entirely surprised, as if he expected this outcome. with his unoccupied hand, he reaches into his pocket, "here." his fingers loosely grasp a small container of mango milk, dangling it enticingly before your face. the sight of your favorite drink causes you to brighten immediately, hurriedly taking it into your possession.
you sigh dreamily, holding up the drink, "my boyfriend is so sweet. what would i do without you?"
kyung-jun shakes his head, reaching into his pocket one last time and revealing a packet of hotteok, "just eat your food." despite his response, however, the corners of his mouth lifts into a smile, as if pleased by the notion.
for the remainder of your journey to school, you eat the breakfast kyung-jun brought for you while chatting endlessly about everything and nothing. the boy remains quiet for most of the exchange, providing his own input for the questions when needed. but otherwise, his attention remains solely on you, taking in your words with careful consideration, taking in the sight of your bright eyes and broad smile with a soft sort of expression on his face.
when you make it to class, you part ways by the door, retreating to your own respective sides of the room. yoon-seo and jung-won greet you as you settle in your seat, and from across the space, you hear seung-bin and jin-ha exchange their own version of acknowledgement.
the world continues moving around you, unaware of the beating drum within your body, the way your eyes always seem to shift their focus onto that other side of the classroom, as if pulled by gravity towards the place kyung-jun sits. it doesn't know how your thoughts always stray to the warmth of his smile, his soft creased eyes, staring at you with a tender sort of affection. it doesn't know because you keep it to yourself, a secret just for the two of you, a version of him you're not ready to share.
there goes your selfishness again. usually it's regarded as an ugly feeling. a vice that needs to be eradicated. the type of greediness that grows and grows until it becomes your downfall. and maybe one day it will be. maybe one day the all consuming need you feel to have every piece of kyung-jun will destroy you. but the prospect of that happening doesn't scare you. if anything, it's a comforting thought.
when lunch time rolls around, you jump out of your seat, startling your two friends as they send you matching incredulous looks. you smile sheepishly, gesturing vaguely towards the door, "i'm going to eat lunch outside."
"again?" yoon-seo asks, frowning slightly, "but it's cold outside. won't you get sick?"
"i like the weather." you say as an excuse, which is convincing enough. you do prefer the colder months of the year. it is a well known fact among your friends, especially after the hot and humid summer you just experienced. all the complaining you did throughout the long days is solid evidence of that fact.
"just leave her be. whatever is up there must be waiting patiently." jung-won sighs softly, nudging yoon-seo gently to get her moving towards the cafeteria. your friend sends you a smile, and while it seems innocent enough, you get the feeling that she knows more than she lets on.
you don't dwell on it too much at the moment though, running off towards the stairs and climbing the steps until you reach the door leading to the roof. as soon as you push it open, a gust of wind blows across your face, reducing your body to a shivering mess. the motion is short lived, however, as your eyes land upon your boyfriend leaning back against the railing, curling his lips into that boyish, foxlike smirk you've grown to love.
"you sure took your sweet time." he calls out, to which you laugh, shaking your head as you shorten the distance and take up the space beside him. you lean your arms against the railing, tilting your head in his direction as you frown at him disapprovingly.
"time is precious kyung-jun. you should feel lucky that i give so much of mine up for you."
instead of responding to your lighthearted quip, he copies your motions by turning around, staring out across the school grounds. a handful of yooil students loiter around the field, taking advantage of the cool weather to play some games without fear of breaking a sweat. most students stayed inside for lunch, but there is still the occasional group of friends sitting on the benches around the field, huddled closely together as they eat their food.
another gust of wind blows across the air, and since you're so high up, it's felt more vividly than those below. kyung-jun shivers, "fuck it's cold. remind me why we're up here and not the music room?"
"i'm enjoying the cold weather while i can. i only get six months of it." you reply lightly, closing your eyes to focus on the gentle brush of the wind ruffling your hair.
he frowns, displeased, "it'll come around again you know."
"that might be so. but i'm a bit sentimental. besides, when will we ever have moments like this again?"
kyung-jun shrugs, "you could always go back in time again."
this time, it's your turn to frown, "it doesn't work like that. and even if it did, i wouldn't do it."
"why not? doesn't that contradict your entire reason for being here? you said you came here to see me. so you're reliving memories." he points out.
"well, yes, but," you shift your focus back to the field, listening to the sound of laughter tickling your ears, each scene like a snapshot in a movie. albeit yourself, a smile replaces your initial expression, "all of these moments we have together, it's never happened before, so i was living my life with regrets. in our other timeline, we remained strangers, so i never got to know you properly. not like i do now."
"and?" he questions, a quiet curiosity now reflected in his gaze.
you turn your head to face him, smile widening, "and now that i do, this time is precious to me. if i went back in time to live it over and over again, it would lose its meaning. so i'll just live in the moment, and when it passes, i'll remember it."
kyung-jun remains quiet for a moment, allowing your words to sink in. eventually, a soft smile of his own lifts the corners of his lips. it's truly a beautiful sight, when kyung-jun allows himself to smile without restraint. how lovely they make his entire expression, soft and tender, smoothing down all his hard edges. he reaches over and touches the side of your head, stroking your hair softly, the gentle ministrations making your eyes flutter close, leaning in.
"how do you manage to make complete nonsense sound smart?" he chuckles amusingly.
a retort builds on the tip of your tongue, ready to spill out, but it gets interrupted by the sound of the door slamming open. surprised by the sudden noise, you both jump back a fraction, whipping your heads towards the source, staring in disbelief at the two individuals who stand at the entrance.
seung-bin and jin-ha wear the same bewildered expression on their faces, glancing between you and kyung-jun. how close your bodies are, his hand still lifted in the air. the moment it clicks, their faces shift instantly. pure delight plasters itself on their features.
"oh, whats this? two lovebirds?" jin-ha sings.
"i knew it!" seung-bin exclaims, turning towards jin-ha and holding out his hand, "hey, pay up."
kyung-jun scoffs in disbelief, a hint of irritation creeping into his tone, "you guys betted on our relationship?"
"don't get mad at us!" seung-bin points an accusing finger at him, "you're the one who kept it a secret! i thought we were friends kyung-jun. how could you not tell us you got a girlfriend?"
"yah!" kyung-jun shouts, stepping towards him to smack the back of his head repeatedly, "why do you have to be so damn nosy?"
seung-bin lifts up his arms to shield the attacks, attempting (and failing) to step outside of kyung-jun's range, "ouch - hey!" he turns towards you, pouting, "tell your boyfriend to stop hitting me."
you release a weary sigh, shaking your head at their antics, "both of you need to quiet down, you're giving me a headache," you turn towards the curly haired boy by your side, who also watches the scene quietly, "jin-ha, this is why you're my favorite out of the three."
"really?" he asks, surprised. he straightens, visibly pleased as he calls out to kyung-jun, "you hear that kyung-jun? your girlfriend likes me better than you!"
when kyung-jun hears the declaration, he abruptly stops, slowly turning his head in your direction. when you continue smiling, feigning ignorance, a deep frown settles on his lips, the beginnings of jealousy crawling across his face.
"yah! take that back."
when you don't respond, kyung-jun reaches for you, and you laugh as you swiftly dodge his touch, creating a cycle of amused giggles and agitated huffs.
-
you weren't expecting to find him here.
when you exit the music center after your practice, you expect to be greeted by the quiet night. you expect to feel the urge to pull your jacket tighter around your body when the cool air settles beneath your skin. you expect to see students across the street walking home from cram school. you expect to hear your bus down the road, pressure released from the tires as it rolls to a stop by the sign.
what you weren't expecting is jang hyun-ho waiting for you outside the doors.
you hesitate at the sight of him. it's been nearly a month since that night, and although things have remained civil between you, you could never shake away the air of awkwardness controlling your words and actions. you know you had to confront it at some point, and you tried to at first. fingertips catching the sleeve of his blazer, asking for a moment of his time. but hyun-ho brushed you off. not in a cruel way, but one that indicated he was not ready to face the bitter truth revealed from your last conversation.
hyun-ho opens his mouth, and when he speaks, there's all the vulnerability in the world laced in his words, "can we talk?"
the steps right outside the music center are far from comfortable, but the both of you silently agreed that it's the best place to engage in the much needed conversation. you sit side by side, not close enough to touch, but enough to be aware of every shift in his demeanor. while your eyes remained trained ahead, fingers curled around your skirt, hyun-ho fixes his attention on the floor, wringing his hands in his lap.
"i'm sorry," hyun-ho's voice finally breaks the silence, and the sound of it, the ragged croak around the edges, makes your heart ache, "the things i said, it was insentitive. i've been a big jerk lately, haven't i?"
you breathe out a dry, humorless laugh, "yeah. you have."
"i'm sorry. i never meant to hurt you. i was just...scared. knowing what the future was like, knowing how much you suffered...and when i saw how sad kyung-jun was making you, i couldn't stand back and watch it happen."
you turn your head, studying hyun-ho carefully. it's obvious that the boy's statement holds true, if not by the slight tremble of his hands, then by the sincerity within his dark eyes. he looks all too much like the small boy you grew up with. how funny it was when he apologized for the first time for all the mean things he did to you in elementary school. guess he never broke the habit of playing with his fingers when he's nervous.
you lean over, nudging him playfully, "you're lucky you're one of my best friends. it's hard to stay mad at you for too long when i know your heart was in the right place."
hyun-ho finally cracks a smile, "i'm sorry about kyung-jun too. you're right. he is different. but admitting that he's changed...it feels like admitting that you've moved on."
you're suddenly reminded of the confession from that night. you sigh, reaching over and taking his hand within your own, "hyun-ho. i've loved you since we were kids, and that will never change, even if the kind of love i feel for you is different."
"i've missed my chance, huh?" he mumbles, the hurt of it all cracking at the end of his sentence. but hyun-ho doesn't dwell on the pain. he merely smiles brighter, shining like the sun he is, "who would've thought it'd be kyung-jun to take my place? well," he sighs in an exaggerated manner, leaning back and tilting his head towards the sky, "i guess i'll have to get used to it. i can tell you really love him."
"yeah. i do."
the silence settles for a brief moment, filled with the sounds of cars passing and crickets chirping. then, hyun-ho straightens, "about the whole time traveling situation...."
you blink, eyes growing wide as yet another detail of that night resurfaces, "right. i was so busy being mad at you i forgot about that."
he laughs, shaking his head softly, "how long have you been here for?"
"about six months? you?"
"same here."
"how did you come back?"
hyun-ho mimics the motion of catching something in the palm of his hand, "cherry blossom petal."
"really? it's different then."
"how did you?"
you hold up your wrist, showing off the accessory decorating it, "wish bracelet."
hyun-ho nods slowly in understanding, and once again, the quiet falls. the break in conversation is not awkward. rather, you relish in it. closing your eyes to feel the cool breeze that blows. listening to the notes of soft footsteps and distant chatter. hyun-ho shifts, and the rustle of his clothes blends into the music, until the deep strum of his voice takes hold of the melody.
"you really came back for him?"
you open your eyes, staring at your hands. since sitting down, they've yet to unfurl around the fabric of your skirt. hyun-ho isn't the only one with a bad habit, "when kyung-jun died...there was a lot of things i learned about him. it may sound bizarre, but i learned that he saved me. multiple times. and knowing that, knowing that somehow he cared about me quietly from a distance, i just...i needed to see him."
hyun-ho doesn't say anything at first, and you wonder what's going through his mind. you spare a glance at his face, searching for his reaction, but the boy merely stares at you in deep thought. finally, he admits something you never would've predicted, "i saw you. at college."
"huh? when?" last you checked, hyun-ho was in japan for a tournament. plus, he didn't go to college. the likelihood of seeing each other was close to none.
"i was in town for the week. thought i'd stop by to see jun-hee. and i saw a glimpse of you across the courtyard. at first, i was relieved because there you were, living your life, and on the surface you seemed fine. but i could tell you weren't truly happy, were you?"
hyun-ho has always been well adapted to your emotions. even if you hid it the best you could, three years without sound required a lot more time to make the hurt disappear entirely, "i've grown to accept it. my hearing impairment."
"still. seeing you again for the first time in three years...i just wished for you to be happy."
hyun-ho's words ring in your head. just like you, he made a wish. a declaration made to the universe so reverently it could not go ignored, "you really came back for me?"
hyun-ho smiles, reaching over and ruffling your hair, "of course i did."
when you successfully swat his hand away, you take on a more lighthearted note, "it'll happen six months from now. we can worry about it when the time comes. but for now, let's enjoy our youth hyun-ho. how many people get to say they relived the best part of their lives?"
a crease forms in the space between his brows, concern etched within his face. but hyun-ho eventually sighs, nodding his head in agreement. you smile.
the two of you stand up and start walking down the steps, trailing silently down the path leading to your bus stop. as you get closer though, you notice a familiar figure standing idly by the sign, and as the qualities of their character piece together in your brain, your heart begins to race.
"kyung-jun!"
he glances up at the sound of his name, curling his lips into a soft smile as you run towards him and engulf him in a hug.
"what are you doing here?" you ask breathlessly when you pull away.
kyung-jun takes your music bag from your hands, slinging it over his shoulders, "i came to walk you home."
heat spreads across your cheeks, "you're just too sweet, you know? give my heart a break every one in a while."
kyung-jun chuckles softly at your remark. from behind, you hear footsteps approaching, and as you turn your body to face hyun-ho, kyung-jun lifts up his head. immediately upon seeing him, the smile slips from his face, his expression growing cold as he shifts closer to your side.
"hey kyung-jun, nice seeing you here." hyun-ho greets, lifting one hand into a lazy wave.
kyung-jun scoffs, "the hell? what's this jerk doing here?"
"relax. we were just having a chat."
kyung-jun narrows his eyes, seemingly unconvinced. hyun-ho's own expression remains relatively the same, but there's no mistaking the way his jaw tightens. the tension in the air thickens, and you groan loudly, momentarily dispersing the charged air.
"alright, let's settle this now before i pull my hair out seeing you two bicker."
hyun-ho blinks, "what do you mean?"
"we're going to get dinner. all three of us."
"now?" kyung-jun questions, already showing the tell-tale signs of reluctance.
"yes, now," you mock, taking both boys hands and ignoring their protests as you drag them down the road, "come on, get moving."
-
the ramen shop is busy even at this hour, but you manage to snag a table near the window at the back of the restaurant. as soon as you sit down, hyun-ho across from you and kyung-jun to your right, the tension from earlier persists.
a woman comes around to take your orders, and she returns shortly after with paper wrapped chopsticks, a cup of ice and your preferred drinks. before you can blink, kyung-jun takes your soda and pops open the can, pouring the liquid until it's empty. afterwards, he places it on your side of the table.
hyun-ho watches the motions with the same expression as before. an easy going smile paired with a clenched jaw. even now, he doesn't say anything, just watching silently, returning kyung-jun's hard stares with amused eyes.
when several more minutes pass, you huff loudly in exasperation, "are you guys going to glare at each other the entire time, or will you stop acting like children?"
"what do you even want from us?" kyung-jun groans, clearly displeased by the entire interaction. hyun-ho merely picks up his drink and starts sipping from the straw.
you release another drawn out sigh. looks like you'll have to take matters into your own hands, "hyun-ho," you start, fixing your attention on your friend. his eyes slide over to your own, growing a little softer, and you allow the words to rush out without a single pause, "kyung-jun and i are dating."
the boy chokes, setting down the glass much harsher than intended. he wipes his mouth with the back of his hand, staring between the two of you incredulously, "you're what?"
"you heard her." kyung-jun replies smugly. he leans back, resting his arm on the back of your chair as if to solidify the fact with the intimate gesture.
"kyung-jun," he stiffens at your voice, hesitantly glancing at you from the corner of his vision, "hyun-ho has been my friend since i was a kid. he's also really special to me."
at the soft, tender note in your voice, kyung-jun's resolve wavers. he glances away, guilt crawling upon his features as he bites on the delicate flesh inside his cheek.
"now, all i ask is for my boyfriend and best friend to get along. okay?" at first, they remain silent, their attention fixed on anywhere but each other. when you repeat the question, they finally grumble their agreement. well, it's better than nothing.
you grin, clapping your hands together, "lovely. now let's eat."
three steaming bowls of ramen are positioned on the table, containing different variations of spice and toppings. kyung-jun takes your chopsticks and breaks the wooden utensils apart, handing them to you before doing the same for his own pair. you eagerly take your first bite, humming in appreciation when the flavors hit your tongue.
"so, how's your mom?" hyun-ho asks through a mouthful of noodles.
"she's good. she keeps telling me to ask when you're free so you and your mom can come over for dinner."
at the mention of a possible invitation, hyun-ho straightens, leaning forward eagerly, "can she make bulgogi?"
you frown, "you're really needy sometimes you know. do you have any idea how much time and effort it takes to make that?"
hyun-ho ignores you, turning his attention towards kyung-jun, "her mom makes the best bulgogi. i swear she does something different to it. by the way, what did she think of you two dating?"
you hum absentmindedly, "i haven't told her yet."
"really?" hyun-ho shakes his head, clicking his tongue disapprovingly, "what happened to chivalry? yah, kyung-jun, don't you know you're supposed to ask the family for permission before dating?"
you lean across the table and smack him on the head, "yah, don't be so old fashioned hyun-ho."
he sighs, undeterred by the hit, "kids these days. sneaking around to date. shameful."
you turn towards your boyfriend, "i take it back. kyung-jun, you can fight with him as much as you want."
"come on i'm just kidding," hyun-ho whines. he shifts in his seat, clearing his throat as he fixes his attention on the other boy, "seriously though. take care of her, okay?"
kyung-jun blinks at hyun-ho in surprise, as if he wasn't expecting the serious request. he looks back down into his bowl, releasing a quiet huff, "obviously i will." he mutters, and you're not sure if you're imagining the lack of annoyance he portrays, as if he, too, is taking hyun-ho's wish seriously.
seemingly satisfied, hyun-ho resumes eating, and the three of you finish your meals in soft laughter and mindless chatter.
when the bowls are clean, you part ways outside the restaurant. hyun-ho ventures off on his own while you and kyung-jun walk as a pair, fingers intertwined. you swing your hands gently between you, pleased that kyung-jun allows the movement without much resistance. if anything, he appears lost in thought, fixated on a certain idea in his head.
you squeeze his hand to gain his attention, "penny for your thoughts?"
kyung-jun hesitates for a moment before speaking, "do you care about that kinda stuff?"
"what stuff?"
"meeting the parents. asking for permission." he clarifies. there's a serious expression on his face, intently awaiting your response. it's sort of cute, the expectancy, how much he seems to care.
you nudge him gently, "hey, don't let hyun-ho's words get to your head."
kyung-jun frowns, "i'm not doing it for him. i'm doing it for you."
you falter in your stride, turning your body to face him completely. he eyes you curiously, and you bring your free hand up to your lips, staring at him with wide eyes, "kyung-jun. are you being considerate of my feelings?"
a displeased noise rumbles in his throat, "why do you make it sound like i never am?"
you laugh, swinging your arms once more as you resume your previous motions of walking, "i'm just teasing you," you hum thoughtfully, gnawing at your bottom lip, "i've never really thought about it before. but i guess if i had to choose, it'd be nice for you to meet my mom."
"then i'll come by one day." he states firmly.
"really?" you confirm, surprised by the declaration.
kyung-jun nods, just once, breathing out his next word with a soft sigh, "yeah."
your heart picks up in speed, the pounding of the drum vibrating your bones and thumping in your ears. in a way, kyung-jun has always taken your feelings into consideration, even as friends. though you have noticed it's become more prominent since the moment you made your relationship official. whenever you walked, he was careful to keep his pace slow enough to match your own, and his bag would always be on the opposite side of where you stood. he knew you liked sitting next to the window since you had a tendency to stare outside the glass, so he'd always pick a seat right by it whenever you went out together.
and he does it all so effortlessly. as if he's memorized your habits and preferences like the back of his hand, using that information to navigate his life with your heart in mind.
it's ironic, how he's driven by selflessness while you're driven by greed. you suppose the two of you bring out parts of yourselves not yet discovered. kyung-jun, his tender heart a beating lifeform in your hands, bared for you and all the world to see. it shows his kindness, kept hidden for so long it's unrecognizable, but it's there, and you see it. your own heart lays within his own palms, painted with your want, your need. every crevice, every crack in the delicate flesh reveals that lingering ache that craves his presence near your own.
you smile, leaning upwards and planting a soft kiss against his cheek, "okay. i'll arrange something sometime this week."
a soft flush paints itself on his cheek, but this time, he doesn't shy away, "should i bring a gift?" he asks.
"nah. she'll love you on the spot since you're so handsome."
a teasing smile rests easily upon his lips. he tilts his head at you, "you think i'm handsome?"
you shrug, feigning indifference despite your own teasing grin, "maybe just a little."
"come on, admit it. it's the least you can do after putting me through that awful dinner."
you scowl, smacking his arm lightly, "hey, don't start again. i'll lock you two in a room until you work it out if i have to."
kyung-jun grimaces, as if even the mere thought of that happening repulses him, "don't do that. i think i'd go insane if i have to spend more than a minute with him."
you sigh, "you are seriously impossible. why do you hate him so much anyways?"
kyung-jun clicks his tongue, "he's annoying."
"no, there's another reason," you mumble, studying him carefully as you filter through several different conclusions. then, it finally hits you as you recall kyung-jun's behavior at the ramen shop. you jump, waving a finger at him, "ah ha! you're jealous."
"of him? yeah right." kyung-jun rolls his eyes, but it's so obvious that he's lying that you can't help but push his buttons even further.
"oh? so i guess the fact that hyun-ho confessed to me doesn't bother you?"
kyung-jun stops abruptly, whipping his head towards you so fast you barely have time to react, "he what? when?" he scowls, a hint of anger flickering across his features. and of course, that jealously he was trying so hard to deny, "that jerk. why is he hitting on someone else's girlfriend?"
"just admit it jun." you nudge him, peering up at him with big, hopeful eyes. his expression hardens, and he turns away, grumbling beneath his breath as he pulls you along.
"shut up."
you laugh, the sound echoing in the quiet air, and your teasing continues as you follow him down the path he takes.
Chapter 17: fourteen
Notes:
a little present since i don't have a lot of homework this week (i sense this will change the next week....send help)
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
6 MONTHS BEFORE THE ACCIDENT.
SEPTEMBER - NOVEMBER
"i'm home!"
your voice echoes past the foyer and into every nook and cranny of your house, bouncing off the walls like the pluck of a violin. you hear the rummaging of pots and pans occurring through the kitchen, followed by the scent of fresh japchae wafting through the air.
"hi sweetheart! how was school?" your mother calls back.
"good!" you slip off your shoes, placing them neatly against the small step leading into the hallway. you slide into your pink fuzzy slippers, then glance back at kyung-jun.
your boyfriend stands awkwardly by the door, having not moved an inch since entering. hesitation looms over his shoulders like a persistent shadow, uncertain as to how to behave in such an unfamiliar place. his eyes trail cautiously around the space, his fingers clenching and unclenching by his sides, his teeth chewing the inside of his cheek. it's cute how nervous he looks, and you'd tease him for it if you weren't feeling the small fluttering within your own stomach.
"kyung-jun." you mumble gently. his eyes slide over to your own, and you give him an encouraging smile, pleased when he starts pulling off his own shoes and steps into the guest slippers you laid out previously. you reach out your hand, curling your fingers around his own and squeezing once, tightly, in a reassuring manner, "mom! i brought someone i want you to meet!"
"oh?" curiosity is thick within your mother's airy tone, and you hear her soft footsteps slowly padding towards your current position, "who is it?"
her figure emerges from around the corner, and as soon as she spots kyung-jun lingering in the doorway she freezes, her feet growing roots and planting her body into the ground. her eyes are wide, glancing rapidly between you and the boy, a question lingering in her gaze. they eventually catch sight of your intertwined hands, her surprise transforming into something softer.
you give kyung-jun's hand another squeeze, feeling your confidence grow when he returns the gesture, "mom, this is kyung-jun," you announce, taking a deep breath, "my boyfriend."
"boyfriend?" she repeats, gaze flickering back to your joined hands.
kyung-jun clears his throat, leaning forward in a deep bow, "hello ma'am. nice to meet you."
your mother blinks, silent for a moment as the gears in her head click and turn in rapid succession. finally, a smile spreads across her face when she finally puts the pieces together, "kyung-jun!" she exclaims, no doubt remembering your conversation months ago regarding your new 'friend,' "my daughter told me all about you!"
"mom." you hiss, heat spreading across your cheeks at the implication. that kyung-jun is someone you talk about often. which isn't entirely wrong, but it's not something you want to go around announcing, let alone to the subject of conversation.
"but she never told me how handsome you are!" she gushes, ignoring your steadily growing embarrassment.
kyung-jun chuckles, sending you an amused glance, "thank you ma'am."
"please please, call me eomeoni, we're practically family now, huh?" she grins, waving the two of you over as an indication to follow her into the kitchen, "come in, come in, i'm almost done with dinner."
your mother disappears around the corner, leaving you and kyung-jun alone. he squeezes your hand three times to gain your attention, and when you angle your head to face him, you notice the mischievous glint in his eyes and the corners of his lips twitching to form into a smirk.
already knowing which direction this conversation was going, you quickly look away, pulling him along, but it doesn't stop kyung-jun from leaning down and whispering into your ear.
"you talk about me a lot, huh?" he mumbles, his hot breath tickling the soft appendage and making you shiver.
the heat on your face intensifies, "shut up." you mutter, sending him a sharp glare. his smirk only widens.
jerk.
when you enter the kitchen, your mother is already halfway done with setting up the table. there are a variety of dishes placed neatly across the dark wood, ranging from side dishes like kimchi to the main dish, japchae. there is already an extra set of plates and chopsticks next to your own, the kind of porcelain used only for guests, and you and kyung-jun settle into your respective spots.
your mother sets down the steaming pot of japchae onto the center of the table, then takes her own seat across from you. she takes your bowl and serves you a heaping spoonful of the noodles, then takes kyung-jun's bowl and does the same. he blinks, seemingly surprised by the gesture, but she doesn't comment on it, merely sends him a soft smile while plating her own food. once the food has been distributed, you clap your hands together, mutter a quick prayer, then proceed to dig in.
unsurprisingly, it only takes two bites for your mother to start bombarding you with questions.
"so," she says casually, motioning between the two of you with the ends of her chopsticks, "how long have you two been together?"
you freeze halfway through another bite, the vegetables in your noodles slipping out of your loosening hold and back into the bowl. from beside you, kyung-jun also goes still, and you can see him staring at you from the corner of his vision, waiting for you to respond. you clear your throat as you slowly lower your chopsticks, "about a month."
"oh, really?" she hums, her smile widening, but there is something unsettling about it, a hidden meaning. before you can ponder why, she leans across the table and swats you on the top of your head, "you brat," she hisses, giving you another swift whack, "why didn't you tell me?"
"ow! mom!" you whine, rubbing the top of your head in soothing circles. soft snickers are produced from kyung-jun's throat at the exchange, entertained by your struggle rather than feeling concerned and coming to your rescue. you kick him under the table, and that's enough to quiet his chuckles, "i didn't tell you because it's still pretty new."
"i'm your mother. getting your first boyfriend is a big deal. you should tell me this kinda stuff." she snaps, waving her chopsticks threateningly in your direction.
at first, you don't realize what information your mother has revealed, not until you feel kyung-jun pause beside you. you open your mouth to defend yourself, but unfortunately, kyung-jun beats you to it.
"first boyfriend?" he repeats, turning to look at you. there's no denying the teasing note creeping into his tone, nor the smug expression currently plastered on his face.
"shut up. don't say anything." you threaten.
kyung-jun blinks, feigning innocence as he smiles, "i wasn't going to."
"you totally were. i can see it in your smile." you retort accusingly, narrowing your eyes suspiciously. kyung-jun simply smiles wider as a response.
"kyung-jun," you mother swiftly changes the topic, dispersing the tension filled air, "what do you like to do? any hobbies? or are you in any clubs?"
with the attention suddenly pinned on him, kyung-jun's awkward state from before returns. he sends you an uncertain glance, as if silently pleading for help. sensing an opportunity to mess with him, you merely grin, shrugging as you return to your food.
now forced to handle the conversation on his own, kyung-jun clears his throat, "i play basketball sometimes."
"really? how fun."
"he's super good." you chime in, laughing when his ears turn a dark shade of red at the praise.
"you should be eating more then! so you have a lot of energy to play." your mother starts loading kyung-jun's bowl with another serving of japchae and some kimchi, and she doesn't stop until the contents threaten to spill out.
"mom, that's too much, he's not going to finish all that." you gasp, eyeing the heaping quantity in bewilderment.
"it's fine," kyung-jun reassures, sending her a polite smile, "thank you." he gets to work on finishing the plate by shoving large mouthfuls of the noodles into his mouth, chewing silently with no complaints.
you find yourself laughing softly at the sight, shaking your head in disbelief. 'ah, he's trying so hard to please her.'
"come by the house more often, okay? i'll make you lots of food." your mother declares.
kyung-jun pauses, peering at her with a soft sort of expression. it's a mixture between surprise, like he can't fathom the idea of having a place in your home, and something else you can't quite place, something a little sad and vulnerable. he nods his head slightly, the ghost of a small grin placing itself on his lips, lacking his usual teasing manner and amusement, "okay."
your mother's smile widens, pleased, and she goes back to eating her own food, chattering about mindless topics to fill the quiet space. you reach under the table and thread your fingers through kyung-jun's own, feeling grounded by the warmth of his touch and the rough callous of his palm. you turn to face each other at the same time, a gentle look exchanged between the brief glance and tiny smiles.
from the moment kyung-jun stepped through the doorway of your childhood home, you'd felt this warm sort of ache settle deep beneath your bones, lingering in the space around your heart and lungs. the world fell into place piece by piece, and for some reason, you know it is because of kyung-jun. seeing his presence take space in your home, being treated like a routine rather than an anomaly, is so comforting, so right, you wish to remain in the moment forever. this time, when the heat flushes your cheeks, it's a feeling you wish to keep for all of eternity.
-
"you gotta be fucking kidding me."
seung-bin and jin-ha flash kyung-jun two matching innocent smiles, waving enthusiastically at their friend from across the street. while your boyfriend mutters a string of curses under his breath, you merely laugh, shaking your head in amusement as you return their greetings.
"funny running into you two here. are we interrupting?" seung-bin asks as he approaches, jin-ha not very far behind him.
"yeah, you are, so get lost." kyung-jun snaps, lazily shoving the boy on the shoulder while sending him a sharp glare.
at the boy's sour attitude, seung-bin frowns, "kyung-jun, we haven't hung out all week!" he whines, sagging his shoulders dramatically, "i feel like you're neglecting us and our friendship."
"i'm hanging out with my girlfriend idiot!"
"we want to hang out with her too!" jin-ha complains, chiming into the argument.
"get your own!"
"yah!" you yell, finally fed up with their arguing. all three boys immediately snap their mouths shut, "stop fighting and eat your tteokbokki or i'll shove it down your throats."
seung-bin and jin-ha clear their throats, shifting awkwardly from foot to foot as they avert their gazes to the floor. kyung-jun scoffs, shaking his head as he takes an aggressive bite from his food.
"fucking unbelievable." he mutters as his friends scurry off to the tteokbokki stand to get their own serving of the spicy street food, momentarily leaving the two of you alone on the empty bench you found in the park.
"come on, no pouting," you console, gently patting kyung-jun's back, "we have all the time in the world to go on a date without these two."
kyung-jun tears off another piece of tteokbokki with his teeth, grumbling something unintelligible beneath his breath. you release a soft sigh at his childish behavior, finding it more endearing than anything. though kyung-jun will never admit it, he's a rather jealous person, and he's terrible at hiding it.
you lean back against the bench, taking a bite of your own food as you swing your legs across the ground. the weather outside is still nice enough to do outdoor activities if one desires, but as the month of october passes by, it's slowly venturing into the territory of a bitter cold. even now, you've exchanged your light sweaters for a thicker jacket to prepare yourself for the wind that passes through every so often, cutting sharply against your skin.
still, there are a lot of people present in the park at the heart of your city. people walk their dogs along the sidewalks and children play in sandboxes and sway on swing sets, the sound of laughter and the smell of street food filling the air. and when you glance up, peering through the leaves of the trees, the autumn colors are beautiful against the clear blue sky, and you appreciate it even more with the comforting presence of kyung-jun by your side.
'it's so beautiful. i want to capture this moment forever.'
a sudden thought arises, making you straighten and angle your body towards your boyfriend, "give me your phone real quick."
the boy sends you a questioning glance, but doesn't protest as he reaches into his pocket and hands over his phone. you take it into your hands, pulling up the camera feature and stretching out your arm to fit both you, kyung-jun, and the autumn leaves into the small rectangular box of the photo. you grin brightly at the camera, and kyung-jun allows his own lazy grin to rest on his lips. you press the button, and the moment is captured.
"wait, take another one!" seung-bin exclaims, him and jin-ha running over with his food. you laugh, holding up the phone once more and managing to fit the four of you into another picture.
"perfect." you grin, staring fondly at the image displayed on the screen.
"hey, send that to me." jin-ha orders through a mouthful of tteokbokki.
kyung-jun grimaces, smacking him on the back of the head, "don't talk while you eat. it's fucking disgusting."
while the two boys start bickering, you unlock kyung-jun's phone and search for seung-bin and jin-ha's contacts. it's pretty easy to find them. kyung-jun has them saved under the names 'idiot 1' and 'idiot 2', a sight which made you chuckle the first time you found it. when you search for your own name though, you're unable to spot it amongst his contacts.
you frown, going through the list in order, being more attentive as you read through each and every name. just when you're starting to think the jerk got rid of your info to get a rise out of you, you spot a certain word that makes your heart skip several beats.
'jagiya.'
you press it, and sure enough, your phone number and a photo of you in the music room pulls up. a delicate heat spreads across your cheeks, like the soft flames of a candle flickering in the night. kyung-jun looks over your shoulder, a soft chuckle escaping his lips when he realizes what's got you so flustered.
you clear your throat, ignoring the amusement dancing across his face as you send the photo to yourself and hand over his phone. you pick up your own, swiftly saving the image to your camera roll.
"i'm gonna post this photo, okay?" you announce, showing the image of you, kyung-jun, seung-bin and jin-ha with your respective containers of tteokbokki, "you should too, it's cute."
kyung-jun frowns, a flicker of annoyance reflecting in his eyes when he glances at the image. he looks up, "can't we post one without these idiots in the background?"
"yah!" seung-bin barks, visibly offended by the term. you laugh quietly to yourself. wait until he finds out what his contact name is in kyung-jun's phone.
"i'll post both, how about that?" you compromise, and kyung-jun must be satisfied enough, for he nods and takes another bite of his food.
"hey, tag me!" seung-bin calls out.
"me too me too!" jin-ha adds, the excited blend of their voices making you smile, creating a warm ache in your heart.
you reassure them with a wave of your hand, going through the motions of doing as they requested. once you're done, you scoot closer to kyung-jun on the bench, pressing your arms and legs against each other. you laugh at one of jin-ha jokes, enjoying the simple moment of autumn and your youth, and the rest of the afternoon passes by like the soft fluttering of a leaf towards the ground.
-
the presence of ko kyung-jun's father is a rare one.
since his childhood, the appearance of the man has always been infrequent, and oftentimes, fleeting. like a ghost merely passing through the room, wandering to its next destination without sparing anyone a second glance. it's strange, and a little disconcerting, especially considering the fact that even when he's not there, just the sound of his name is enough to make backs grow rigid and for hushed whispers to erupt across the space. he is the type of powerful that does not need to be physically present to make a difference.
and that's the most terrifying kind.
when ko kyung-jun returns home after dropping you off at your own house, he pauses momentarily by the door, staring down at the polished dress shoes arranged neatly at the entrance. usually, he doesn't spare it a second glance, but for some reason, the weight of his father's attendance feels more heavy this time around. kyung-jun swallows thickly, then slips off his own shoes and enters the room.
he walks quietly through the hallway and enters the living room, where the stairs leading to the second floor is not that far within reach. and there, sitting casually against the couch, a glass of liquor swishing in a crystal cup, sits his father.
he's completely silent, his eyes trained on an unknown point in the room. kyung-jun checks the time, and concludes that the scene before him is indeed strange. usually his father will stay at the office until the late hours of the day, and if not, he's having dinner with business partners and colleagues. the fact that he's home right now, taking space like he's never left, unsettles him greatly.
luckily, his back faces kyung-jun, and he can easily slip past without actually facing him. perhaps he can avoid any conversation entirely. it's not like they are the type of family to talk about each other's day anyways. the boy starts walking quietly towards the stairs.
"kyung-jun."
at the sound of his father's cold, steady voice, kyung-jun freezes, his bones and muscles growing rigid despite himself. he waits anxiously for the pin to drop, for the fire to unleash with his next words.
"come here."
the way he says it, curt and distant, kyung-jun knows it's not a suggestion. it's a command.
he continues standing there, curling his fingers into fists, feeling the muscles in his jaw go tight. he releases a shaky breath, composing himself, before turning around and walking around the couch. but he doesn't sit, just stands there, waiting for his father's next move.
the older man glances at him only for a brief moment, barely considering him, as if he were just another face in the crowd. with slow, measured movements, he picks up his phone and scrolls through the device, turning it around to face kyung-jun.
"who is this girl?" he questions, and kyung-jun hates it. how his tone does not betray even a hint of his emotions. so kyung-jun has to lean forward to look, feeling his heart drop down into his stomach when he recognizes the photo displayed on the screen. it's the one he posted earlier in the day, the one of you and him sitting on that park bench.
he feels his mouth grow dry, but he forces himself to speak, "that's-"
"and don't think about lying to me." he cuts in, and this time, there's a sharp edge to his tone, cutting through his defiance.
kyung-jun glances back at the photo. there really is no way to dance around the truth. he can lie all he wants, but there is no explaining the reason for your close proximity. the way your cheek presses against his own, the soft blush on his cheeks, the tender look in his eyes. the fact that kyung-jun never posts on his social media, not even of his friends, and yet there it is, a singular picture of him and the girl he loves.
he straightens, forcing the words out despite his reluctance. he wasn't supposed to know about you. he wasn't supposed to ruin this one thing for him. this one, precious happiness in his life.
"she's my girlfriend."
there is no surprise in his father's eyes, as if he already knew the answer, and that pisses kyung-jun off even more. it's like he did it on purpose, pulling the truth out of him just because he can. he slowly lowers the phone, placing it neatly on the table, then brings his cup up to his lips. he takes a long, slow sip, his eyes returning to that far off point in the room.
"bring her over." he announces, and those words alone, the thought of you here, in this cold, barren house, is enough to make kyung-jun snap.
"no."
his father shifts his attention back to him. this time, he really does consider kyung-jun more carefully, lazily taking in his rigid stance and guarded eyes. he releases a soft breath, appearing more exasperated than angry at his defiance, "it is not a request, kyung-jun. you will listen and bring this girl over. do i make myself clear?"
kyung-jun, more than anything, wants to retort with something snarky. he wants to take his anger, his frustration, and unleash it upon this man. to bare his teeth, fight with everything he's got, and slip out of his control. but the moment he parts his lips, the bitter words dangling at the tip of his tongue, his father sends him a sharp glare, and all kyung-jun's fight gets trapped inside his body.
he clamps his mouth shut, pressing his teeth around the delicate flesh of his cheek.
satisfied, kyung-jun's father blinks, and that cold stare vanishes into his usual indifference, "let's do this friday. i'll let your brother know."
he goes back to swishing the drink around in his cup and staring off into space, indicating the end of the conversation. kyung-jun, not one to linger, storms away, feeling the dread in his stomach settle uncomfortable in his body with each second that passes.
when he shuts the door, successfully shutting out the man downstairs, he takes the nearest object and throws it across the room. the notebook hits the wall and lands with a soft thud on the ground, pages slipping out and fluttering to the floor. kyung-jun breathes heavily, each intake of air feeling like sharp glass against his lungs. he's hit with another urge to take something and destroy it, to release the flames of his frustration in any way he can.
but when kyung-jun picks up his school bag, ready to give it the same fate as that notebook, he sees the jellyfish keychain hanging from the zipper, and the sight of the glistening pearls and soft strings makes him hesitate.
instead, kyung-jun gently lowers it to the ground, then pulls out his phone, spotting your contact name at the very top. he second guesses himself only for a moment before pressing the call button and pressing the device against his ear.
it rings once, twice, and you pick up on the third.
"jun? what's up? it's pretty late." your soft voice crackling through the speaker instantly brings kyung-jun relief. he sags against his bed, feeling all the tension in his body unwind as the echo of your gentle tone replays in his ears.
"i know." he mumbles, shifting so he lays flat on his mattress, staring up at the ceiling.
"ah, did you miss me?" your amusement is apparent even through the device, and kyung-jun doesn't need to see you to know you have a teasing smile present on your lips.
he breathes out a laugh, "maybe."
"yah, what did i tell you about making my heart race like that?" you scold, though there is no bite in your words.
"you make it too easy. and don't act like you're innocent, you tease me too." he retorts.
the silence settles, and kyung-jun closes his eyes, listening to the comforting sound of your breathing. your presence has always been so soft, and yet so impactful. a clear contrast to his father. he never feels suffocated by it, never wishes for it to go away. if anything, he wishes to remain in it forever.
"kyung-jun," you mumble gently, and kyung-jun thinks he can listen to the sound of his name formed by your tongue forever. it's always said so tenderly, filled with the affectionate notes of fondness. something he's not used to, not until he met you. who knew someone could say his name out of love rather than hatred? "what's wrong?"
kyung-jun feels a lump form in his throat. he swallows thickly to let it pass, hoping it doesn't carry into his voice, "nothing's wrong."
"come on, i know you better than that. even if i can't see you, i can hear it in your voice."
kyung-jun opens his eyes, staring at the ceiling. despite how much he wishes to forget it, the images replay in his mind, causing the dread from earlier to be felt more deeply within his body. he wishes he could reach in and carve it out.
"jagiya," the term of endearment makes the dread feel just a little bit more bearable. kyung-jun feels an ache form in the space between his ribs, and he releases a shaky breath as he replays it in his mind, allowing it to ground him in the moment, "talk to me."
"my dad wants to meet you." he forces out, cringing at the bitter taste on his tongue that lingers after the truth.
"oh, is that it?" you question, your tone not at all fearful. kyung-jun feels a little relieved at the fact, "it's not a problem for me. you met my mom, i think it's only fair i meet your family, too."
"no you don't get it he-" kyung-jun sighs, passing his fingers over his face, "he's nothing like your mom."
"kyung-jun." this time, when you say his name, the concern is more prominent, curling around the edges of the syllables.
"i already know him. he's meeting you not because he cares but because he wants to find a reason to make you leave," when he realizes his tone is growing harsh with every word spoken, kyung-jun abruptly stops, forcing himself to take a deep breath before continuing, "i don't want you getting involved with my family. you don't deserve that."
you're silent for a moment, quietly taking in his words. the lack of sound stretches for several moments, as if you're pondering your next words. finally, when you fill the space with your voice, kyung-jun feels disoriented by how light and airy it is, a stark contrast to what he expected.
"you know, in the future i met your brother."
kyung-jun blinks, caught off guard by the sudden switch in conversation, "you did?"
"yeah, that's how i knew you had one. he looks a lot like you, you know. you're obviously more handsome though."
kyung-jun breathes out a laugh. leave it to you to use flattery to make him smile, "obviously."
you hum absentmindedly, and kyung-jun can imagine the pondering state of your being. your fingers tapping mindlessly against your knee, your lips pursed. the image makes him smile.
"kyung-jun," you start, gaining his attention, "did you know that in the future, you were in love with me?"
he snorts in disbelief, "what gave you that idea?"
"our senior beach trip. we took a photo together. and you kept it in your wallet for three years."
kyung-jun freezes, his eyes shifting towards his school bag, where his wallet sits in the front pocket. and within that wallet is a photo of you and him, the one where he failed to look at the camera in time. it sits in a protective cover, the first thing he sees each time he opens it. despite that, the corners are already starting to curl in on itself from how often he takes it out to stare at it.
"when i met your brother, he gave it to me. and he told me things about you that i never knew before. the fact that you held onto that photo. the fact that it was you who gave me the wish bracelet."
"you didn't know it was me?" kyung-jun asks.
"you gifted it to me anonymously. you were pretty secretive about your infatuation with me." you tease.
'sounds about right'. something that's been bothering him since the moment he noticed the accessory around your wrist surfaces to the forefront of his mind. he considers it for a moment before deciding to just ask the question out loud, "why did i give it to you anyways?"
"ah," you pause for a moment, and kyung-jun can hear your quiet breathing through the other side, the hesitancy filling the space between you, like this is a topic that's difficult to discuss. for a moment, he thinks you won't respond, but your voice eventually comes to life once more. kyung-jun does not miss the vulnerable note carried within, "i went through a hard time in my life. a really hard time. so much so i...wanted to die."
kyung-jun feels his chest grow tight, like someone reached in and wrapped a fist around his lungs, refusing to let go. the thought of you gone from this world, not a trace of your laughter or smile remaining, is too much to bear. he understands it now. why you went back in time to save him. if the roles were reversed, and kyung-jun was faced with that choice, he would take it in a heartbeat.
"but then i saw this cute little box on my dresser, and in this note, you told me that you wished for me to live a full and happy life. isn't that sweet kyung-jun? in another time line, even in one where we don't know each other, you cared about me."
kyung-jun hates imagining a world where these soft, quiet moments don't exist. he tried so hard to keep his distance, to stay out of your path. but now that he has you, now that he knows what it's like to love you, he can't give it up. he'll hold onto it even with his cold, dying hands.
"what i'm trying to say is, no matter what happens, we will always find each other. so no matter what your family thinks about me or us, i don't care. alright?"
"are you sure about this? you really don't have to come. i never listen to him anyways."
"well, that would just give them a bad impression of me. besides," your voice gets softer, quieter, tickling the shell of his ear, "i'll have you right next to me the whole time. when i'm with you, i feel like i can take on the world."
kyung-jun lets out a breathy chuckle, feeling all the dread disappear entirely, "okay. does this friday work for you?"
"yup. should i wear something nice?"
"you don't have to dress up to impress them."
"i am meeting the ceo of the infamous ko group. plus, it's your family. i want to make a good first impression."
"it's really not a big deal."
"oh come on. just tell me to dress up and look pretty like a regular boyfriend would."
kyung-jun laughs, shaking his head slightly in disbelief, even if you can't see the motion. he hears your own gentle giggles through the phone, the sounds blending together to create a single melody.
it gets disrupted by the hinges on his door creaking open, making kyung-jun hastily sit up on his bed, fearing that it is his father. instead, his brother stands at the entrance, and though kyung-jun feels a little relieved, it doesn't lower his guard completely. he stops laughing.
"hey, i'll call you back." he mutters softly, hearing you hum lightly in response.
"okay."
he lets the call linger for a moment longer before lowering his phone and hanging up. his brother enters the room fully, pushing the door closed behind him with a soft click.
"is that the famous mystery girlfriend?" he asks as he crosses the room and settles into the chair at his desk.
"get out." kyung-jun hisses through clenched teeth, not in the mood for his brother's games.
"come on little brother. why so feisty today? is it 'cause of dad?" he sighs wistfully, shaking his head, "man, i've never seem him look so surprised in my entire life. well, in his own way that is."
kyung-jun's anger, which had previously simmered beneath his skin, bubbles more furiously, threatening to spill, "was it you who told him?"
ki-jung holds up his hands in surrender, "i didn't tell him anything. ms. kang saw your post and reported it to him."
"what the fuck? she stalks my social media?" he asks in disbelief.
"she's just making sure you're not posting anything that could cause a scandal. usually it's a simple job since you never post anything. except for that photo of course."
kyung-jun runs a hand through his hair, "shit." maybe he shouldn't have posted it.
ki-jung tilts his head at him curiously, "why are you stressing out about this so much?"
"do i need to remind you of what happened to all the girls you brought home?"
he dismisses his words with a wave of his hand, "that's different. i'm the heir, you aren't. father won't be so harsh on you. you pretty much have the freedom to date whoever you want. be grateful."
kyung-jun rolls his eyes, "yeah right." when has his father ever given him the freedom to do anything? he may ignore his existence, but kyung-jun can always feel his influence over his life, no matter how miniscule it may be.
"he's just trying to see if she's a good fit for you. all a formality really. it's the first time you've shown an interest in someone after all."
"i don't give a fuck about his opinion."
"just show off all her great qualities and you'll be fine. what does she do anyway? is she planning to go to college?"
at first, kyung-jun considers ignoring his brother, simply because he's tired of the conversation. all he wants to do is lay in bed and hear you rant about whatever springs to mind, your voice drifting delicately through the phone. but he decides to relent, breathing out the words with a long sigh, "she's a musician."
he lets out a low whistle, "dad is gonna love that."
kyung-jun sends him a sharp glare, "i thought you were supposed to be comforting me?"
"right right. is she at least good?"
"she won first place at the seoul international music competition last year." he responds, a bit pridefully he may add. he remembers hearing the news as a whisper in the hallways, and kyung-jun spent his lunch break searching for your performance amongst the hundreds of participants from all around the world.
ki-jung's eyes widen in disbelief, "wait, seriously? that was her? i remember seeing her video. pretty sure dad watched it, too," he grows quiet for a moment, a thoughtful expression passing over his features. he suddenly sits up, "hey, isn't she the one that got offered an audition to seoul national university's music program? those are really hard to get."
"yeah. her audition is next month."
ki-jung nods his head thoughtfully, "that's pretty impressive. i see my little brother's standards are pretty high."
kyung-jun rolls his eyes at his brother's teasing smile. he grabs the nearest pillow, throwing it directly at his face, "fuck off."
he easily dodges it, laughing as he walks towards the door, "okay, i'll let you call back your sweetheart."
"yah, ko ki-jung! you got a death wish?" kyung-jun shouts, fumbling for another pillow. his brother laughs wickedly as he slips through the door, and kyung-jun feels the burn on his ears intensify when he hears that laughter echo down the hall until disappearing entirely.
'i hate him.' he thinks bitterly, glaring at the closed door before slumping back onto his bed.
Notes:
wowowow finally a scene with kyung-jun's father are ya'll scared HAHAHHA you should be (threat)
anways i love late night calls with kyung-jun and mc they are so soft it makes me physically ill like the fluff is sickening maybe i need to just ruin their lives already (kidding...mostly)
Chapter 18: fifteen
Notes:
early chapter cuz im impatient and im the author so i can do whatever i want
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
6 MONTHS BEFORE THE ACCIDENT.
SEPTEMBER - NOVEMBER
often times, it feels like you're racing against time in fear of falling behind.
this sense of urgency is something you're used to. when you chose the path of a musician, chasing dreams rather than pursuing practical reality, you understood that you'd have to work twice as hard just to maintain the same pace as your peers.
so you went about your life making great use of your time. taking every hour, every minute, every second and putting it towards your future. if you weren't at school, you were at the music center, and if you weren't there, you were at school. a continuous cycle of balancing your studies with your practice sessions.
you were constantly running, rarely taking a break to pause and catch your breath. because if you didn't spend the scarce hours with the sun working towards your far fetched future, then you were wasting time. and if you wasted that, then your life would mean nothing.
and yet, ko kyung-jun has a way of grounding you in the moment. somehow, someway, his presence forces you to stop in your tracks and take in the world around you. and now that you've taken a pause, now that you're no longer passing through life so fast it blurs by before your eyes, you realize how beautiful it is. the simple moments of your youth. yearning for quiet occasions where you do nothing but bask in the sun, and you don't have to feel guilty for living.
your room is silent save for the rustle of clothes with every subtle movement and the soft breaths released through one's lips. kyung-jun rests his head against your stomach, and his arms are wrapped tightly around your middle. your fingers thread lazily through his hair, scratching lightly at his scalp, mindless motions that soothe you as you focus on the rhythm of his breathing and the comforting weight of his body on your own.
his face is a sweet sight for you to behold. his lips are parted slightly, and his cheek is squished against the fabric of your shirt. it softens his features, smoothing out all the tension and emotions in his body. all that remains is peace.
his eyes are closed, but you know he's not sleeping. at least, not entirely. he was asleep before, having fallen into slumber the moment the two of you situated yourselves on your bed. but now that several hours have passed, and your fingers press gently against his temple, his face twitches, and a soft groan rumbles in his throat.
"comfortable?" you muse when he presses his face closer to your body.
"very." he mumbles, his voice coated thickly with the remains of sleep, making it more ragged than usual.
"why is it that every time you come over you fall asleep? am i that boring to you?" you pretend to be offended by the prospect, pursing your lips into a small pout.
"it's relaxing. being with you." his words are mumbled softly, and they weaken your resolve, soothing your heart and filling it with a tender sort of affection.
you understand what kyung-jun means. when you partake in these quiet, simple moments, your own mind grows drowsy. it's like whatever walls were built instantly crumbles, and all the armor over your body unlatches and slips away. as if your soul recognizes that it's safe, and it's okay to lay itself to rest.
kyung-jun lifts up his head, the shift in movement causing you to pause your gentle touches and stare down at him with a questioning glance. your boyfriend peers up at you with mischievous eyes, the kind of amusement that makes your stomach tighten into knots, warily anticipating his next move.
he pushes himself up just slightly, maneuvering his body so he hovers directly above you, caging you against the bed. the sudden proximity makes your heart pound like a drum within your ribcage, rushing to your ears and down the length of your spine. the knot in your stomach tightens even more.
he leans down, tilting his head at you while smiling playfully, "but if you want to do something else, i have a couple of ideas in mind."
you blink at the suggestive note in his tone, feeling heat creep onto your face when his lips ghost over your own. you sputter out a laugh, shaking your head and pushing his face away out of embarrassment. kyung-jun releases an annoyed breath, plopping onto the space right next to you with another dramatic huff.
"i liked you better when you were asleep." you respond rather than indulging in his antics.
kyung-jun rolls his eyes at your words. he then begins settling more comfortably amongst your various blankets and pillows, creating the perfect space for you to curl into his side. and that's exactly what you do, throwing a leg around his own and tucking your head within the crook of his shoulder.
"so, the future," kyung-jun begins several seconds later, letting the question hang in the air for a moment. you hum lightly in acknowledgement, urging him to continue, "what's it like?"
"what do you mean?" you inquire.
"i'm just curious about what happens."
"i thought you said you didn't care what happens?" you muse lightly before settling more comfortably against him, "besides, i only went back in time four years you know. i'm not some all knowing being bestowed with a bunch of wisdom. the world is pretty much the same as it is now."
kyung-jun remains quiet for a moment, pondering over his next question. his arm, which is thrown lazily around your shoulder, shifts, and you feel his fingers beginning to tap mindlessly against your forearm, "what about music school? do you get in?"
you feel your heart squeeze inside your chest at the reminder of your music career, a dream short lived. even though you've accepted it, the truth of your own future still hurts, and you can't help the way your body reacts involuntarily each time you're reminded of it. bones growing rigid and all the air in your lungs deflating like a balloon.
you haven't even told kyung-jun about it, and you made hyun-ho promise not to say anything either. if kyung-jun knew about your fate, you'd have to explain the accident. and not only is it something you're not yet ready to face, still unaware of all the details pertaining to it, you also didn't want to cause him any unnecessary stress.
you release a long, drawn out sigh, unwinding all the tension in your bones, "yeah, i did."
"i knew you would." kyung-jun's declarative tone, the blatant confidence in his words, makes you smile.
"oh? did you take a peek into the future for me?"
kyung-jun chuckles softly, his body shaking as it produces the sound, making your own head vibrate where it still lays against his chest. you close your eyes, counting the steady beats of his heart, every subtle shift within his lungs. each motion blends with his idle tapping against your skin, creating a symphony of chords that you arrange neatly inside your mind.
"what about me?" he suddenly questions.
"dunno," you mumble, feeling your lips pull into a frown at the thought, "like i said, we never got close. you pretty much disappeared from my life once school ended." and according to yoon-seo and jung-won, he pretty much disappeared from everyone's lives. not even his close friends could get a hold of him. whatever kyung-jun did in those three years after your accident remains a mystery.
kyung-jun hums noncommittally, "and those two idiots?"
"seung-bin and jin-ha?" you laugh, clicking your tongue at him disapprovingly, "you know, you shouldn't be so mean to them. they're good friends. but i'm not sure about their future. i didn't talk to them either, and they didn't go to the same university as me."
your boyfriend scoffs, obviously displeased at the prospect of being nicer to his companions and bearing the brunt of your scolding. but he doesn't argue with you any further, simply continuing on with the conversation, "what about that jerk hyun-ho?"
"oh you're gonna hate this," you laugh, lifting up your head and meeting his curious eyes. you pause for a moment for dramatic effect, "our dear friend hyun-ho becomes an olympic athlete."
kyung-jun frowns, "why does he get a cool future like that and i end up dead?"
"bad karma?" you suggest. kyung-jun narrows his eyes at you, the gaze sharp and piercing, his discontent growing with each passing second. you smile apologetically at him, pressing a quick kiss to the tip of his nose before settling back into your previous spot. your affection must work, for kyung-jun relaxes slightly.
the silence settles only for a little while, and during that time, you begin to occupy your own fingers with his other hand. you cradle the limb in both of your palms brushing your fingertips against his knuckles. they are no longer scabbed and bloody. instead, they are clean and smooth.
"how do i die?"
you don't register kyung-jun's question at first. despite that, however, you feel your entire body freeze as you blink, dumbfounded, "huh?"
"i obviously die young. do i get sick? or is it some freak accident?"
something hard lodges itself within your throat, making any sort of words difficult to produce, let alone explain. and even if you could, you don't want to. kyung-jun's death is a difficult topic to touch upon, for each time you're reminded of it, you feel this heavy weight overcome your entire body. it feels like the world is crushing down on you, and any hopes of the future crumbles, slipping through your fingers like sand.
"don't worry about that. it doesn't matter." you declare firmly, blinking away the tears threatening to form at the corners of your eyes. you sit up, shifting your body back so you are sitting right beside him. you take his palm, laying it face up, and you trace your pointer finger delicately against the curved line in the skin, "look here. see? this is your lifeline. it means you're going to live a long life. this time, you won't die young. i'll make sure of it."
you repeat the motions, angling your head to face him. kyung-jun's eyes carefully follow your movements, and the emotion on his face is difficult to place. it's a blend between vulnerability and something unknown, something that makes your heart squeeze and for your lungs to grow smaller, struggling for air.
he blinks, shifting his attention to your face, and that emotion transforms into something you recognize. affection. his eyes flit rapidly between your own, his eyes creased and his brows furrowed. you smile, reaching up and tenderly brushing the hair away from his face. kyung-jun's eyes flutter shut the moment your hand makes contact with his skin, and when he opens them, his gaze settles on your lips.
the air in the room shifts, and it's like a gravitational force pulls you both forward at the same time, closing the remaining distance between you. the moment your lips press against his own, you release a soft sigh, melting as you ease into the familiar motions.
kyung-jun's hands rest themselves on your hips, squeezing the delicate flesh, while your own fingers curl into the strands of his hair. not tight enough to hurt, but just enough to hold him close to you, never wanting to let go. you're both filled with the need to keep each other as close as possible, tethered to this moment and this moment alone, with nothing but your quiet breaths and the warmth of each other's skin.
as you continue the gentle push and pull of lazy, slow kissing, your mind starts to grow fuzzy, drifting off into an unknown space. all you can focus on is every hitch in kyung-jun's breath. the way the room starts to feel unbearably warm, the heat spreading from your face to every inch in your body. how kyung-jun shifts, laying you flat against the bed, his weight pressed comfortingly on top of you.
he pulls back, just slightly, and while a protest builds on your tongue, it dies the moment you feel his lips trail along your jaw. you release another sigh, fluttering your eyes shut at the pleasant feeling of his touch. as he continues moving, you instinctively tilt your head back, granting him more access, a clear indication for him to keep going.
kyung-jun's light kisses run down the length of your throat, then settles on the junction between your neck and shoulder, lingering there. you feel his hot breath against your skin, making your stomach twist in anticipation. your heartbeat is even more frantic than before, and you wonder if kyung-jun can feel it. the way it threatens to jump out, going so fast it practically blends into a long, drawn out beat.
then, kyung-jun does something that makes your throat produce a sound out of your own accord.
he parts his lips, sinks his teeth into the delicate flesh of your skin, and bites down.
hard.
your eyes shoot open in shock, your fingers curling involuntarily around his hair, pulling a grunt from his throat. kyung-jun continues sucking, dragging his tongue across the tender spot, his fingers squeezing your hips. when kyung-jun makes no moves to stop, you panic, left with no choice but to tighten your hold and yank his head away.
kyung-jun hisses through his teeth, his face scrunched in pain as he squeezes his eyes shut, "shit, that hurt."
"yah. i told you not to leave any marks." you scold, mustering all your annoyance into a singular sharp glare.
kyung-jun rolls his eyes, "i was going to be careful."
"you bit me."
"it's barely even noticeable."
"don't you remember what happened last time?"
at the reminder, kyung-jun at least has the decency to look a little guilty, "i told you to keep your hair down, but you never listen to me. it's not my fault yoon-seo noticed."
the mortification from that day still haunts you. you didn't even realize the mark was peeking out from behind your school shirt until yoon-seo pointed it out, asking if a bug unknowingly bit you during the night. the awkward silence once you'd hastily covered it was enough to make the realization dawn upon her, and your friend's cheeks were rosy for the remainder of the evening.
"if you knew how to control yourself we wouldn't be having this issue in the first place." you retort, "how would you feel if i left your neck looking like a crime scene?"
kyung-jun grins, leaning forward, "well, i wouldn't complain."
annoyed, you tug on his hair once more, making the boy wince.
"okay okay i'm sorry, i'll be more careful. happy?" he reluctantly grumbles.
you frown, already well aware that kyung-jun tends to get a little carried away when the two of you kiss. this is probably bound to happen again in the future. but at the moment, you're more focused on the distant throbbing that pulses along the spot.
"is it noticeable?" you ask worriedly.
kyung-jun's eyes fixate on the mark, and for a moment, you see a flicker of satisfaction cross over his features. as quick as it was there, it disappears without a trace, replaced by indifference, "you can barely see it."
"don't lie to me."
kyung-jun clears his throat, averting his eyes, "you'll want to keep your collar buttoned at school."
you release a groan, your distress mixing with kyung-jun's amused laughter, "i hate you."
your boyfriend, undeterred by your exclamation, drops his weight on top of you, successfully trapping you on the bed. you wheeze out a protest, flailing your arms and trying to get him off. but kyung-jun remains in his spot, stubbornly so.
eventually, you get tired from attempting and failing to remove the heavy weight on top of you. so you accept your fate, dropping your limbs against the mattress and muttering out another curse.
-
the ko family's home is as extravagant as you imagined.
standing before you is a large, modern house, sleek with muted colors and long, sharp edges. it looks nothing like your own tiny home, with its bright colors and flower garden. rather, every corner of the building is clear cut and perfect. not a single detail is out of place, and there are no telltale signs of age wearing it down. it looks completely brand new, untouched, as if it doesn't care about the world and its flow of time.
that's what makes it difficult to approach. it's a lot more intimidating than you initially presumed, and the anxiousness settling in your stomach causes your body to hesitate by the steps leading to the front door.
"we can turn back."
kyung-jun stands beside you, dressed in a simple black suit, a request from his father. his hair is pushed back, away from his face, revealing all the sharp edges of his features and his dark brown eyes. he looks handsome like this, and even a little older, fitting seamlessly into the role of the ko groups youngest son.
when he makes the suggestion, his tone is completely serious, and you know he'll go through with it. all he's waiting for is your approval, or for any sign of your discomfort to trigger the action.
you shake your head, mustering up a gentle smile, "we're already here. i'm pretty much committed now," you take his hand, squeezing it once as another form of reassurance.
it clearly works, for kyung-jun sighs, relaxing ever so slightly beneath your touch, "let's just get this over with."
he pulls you along, and you hear the click of your heels against the pavement blend with the sounds of his own dress shoes. he's not the only one dressed up today, yet another request made by kyung-jun's father. for the special occasion, you opted for one of your recital dresses, and the simple black gown flows towards the floor in shimmering black waves.
you smile upon recalling kyung-jun's reaction when he came to your house to pick you up. the awestruck expression on his face, staring at you like a wonder to behold. the way his lips parted, intending to speak, but no words filled the air, like nothing was enough to describe whatever thoughts or feelings coursed through his body.
kyung-jun slips inside, you following closely behind, and he's quick to exchange his shoes for his house ones. he steps onto the main flooring, then turns around, holding out his hand for you to take. you do so without a second thought, but confusion builds when he moves your hand to his shoulder and suddenly crouches down.
you blink when he taps your leg, and you quickly realize his intention, making your heart pound inside your chest. you slowly lift up your foot from the ground, using his body to maintain your balance. you watch as he begins pulling off your heels, gently easing your foot into the soft slippers. he does the same action for the other foot, then straightens, flashing you a small smile before leading you through the house without another word.
you step into a room separate from the kitchen, enclosed by extravagant sliding doors and beautiful paintings. in the center of the room sits a large table with four sets of tableware, right beneath a crystal chandelier. two out of the four seats are occupied, one by kyung-jun's brother, who you recognize from the funeral, and the other by a much older man who looks just like your boyfriend.
their reactions upon your arrival are starkly different. while kyung-jun's brother smiles in greeting, a soft, warm tilt of his lips, his father's face remains eerily blank. instead, he considers you carefully, taking in the state of your appearance, not a single shift in his features revealing the thoughts in his head. unease crawls along your skin, prickling like needles at the back of your neck.
finally, he looks away, tipping his head towards the two empty seats across from him at the table, "take a seat."
kyung-jun pulls your chair back, and you settle stiffly into the soft cushion, thanking him quietly when he pushes you closer to the table. he then takes his own seat, and the silence settles suffocatingly for a long time. stretching like a taut string, disturbed only by the clink of dishes being placed on the table and the shuffle of movement as someone shifts in their chair, until it finally breaks.
kyung-jun's brother clears his throat, glancing around uncertainly, "well i suppose introductions are in order?" when no one responds, he fixes his attention on you, "i'm ki-jung, kyung-jun's older brother."
"nice to meet you." you reply, repeating your own name with a hesitant smile.
he returns it with a soft one of his own, "you guys go to the same school, right?"
"yeah, we've been in the same class for the past two years."
"so you guys have known each other for a long time." he directs this particular question to kyung-jun, who tips his head in a curt nod.
"what are your plans for the future?"
everyone visibly stiffens at the sound of kyung-jun's father speaking, cutting through the conversation like sharp glass. for a brief moment, everything goes still, the world holding it's breath as it anxiously anticipates the next shift of movement or the following utterance of a word.
you clear your throat, gently setting down your chopsticks and laying your hands in your lap, "i'm applying to SNU."
"for what? law? medicine? business?" he inquires.
you curl your fingers around the fabric of your dress, "music, sir."
this time, kyung-jun's father is the one to pause, and he finally meets your eyes. they are the same shade as kyung-jun's, the same shape, too. but it lacks the same warmth, the same fire that makes up his character. his father's eyes are cold, and when they roam across your face, considering you more clinically now, you see the flicker of indifference come to life.
"music." he repeats slowly, pressing his lips into a thin line, acting as if the word itself leaves a bitter taste on his tongue.
ki-jung, sensing the tension, leans towards his father, "kyung-jun was telling me she won the seoul national music competition. remember we watched her performance? you really liked it."
kyung-jun's father releases a scoff, but it barely holds any amusement, the sound distant and hollow, "and what good is music going to do for you in life?"
you feel your heart stop, faltering in it's rhythm at the harsh reality of his words. you shrink a little against your chair, your fingers curling tighter around your dress. from beside you, you can feel kyung-jun shift, and when you spare a quick glance in his direction, you notice that his jaw is tight and his hands grip his chopsticks so hard his knuckles turn white.
ki-jung breathes out a shaky laugh, "father-"
"to waste your education on something as useless as that is disappointing to say the least," kyung-jun's father continues speaking, his sharp eyes fixated on his plate. with practiced movements, he begins rearranging his food on his plate, acting like this entire conversation is just another part of his day, "kyung-jun's affection is not easily given out, so when i found out he got a girlfriend, i was expecting more," he sighs, shaking his head disapprovingly, "i thought he found someone worthwhile. guess i was wrong."
kyung-jun slams his chopsticks down on the table.
the clatter of metal makes you jump, and the sound of it is loud enough to make kyung-jun's father pause, finally giving his attention to his son. his son, whose eyes are full of hatred, all of that anger directed towards the man in front of him. his son, whose lips twitch, threatening to curl into a sneer. his son, whose voice is steady, but his words drip like venom when he speaks.
"apologize."
kyung-jun's father lifts an eyebrow in mild surprise, "excuse me?"
"you have no right to say that about her. worthwhile?" he scoffs, "what do you know about worth? how would you know when you're just some pathetic excuse of a human being?"
kyung-jun's father blinks. he barely reacts to kyung-jun's words, as if they don't affect him at all. his lack of reaction makes the boy continue, his anger rising and rising with each word he spits out.
"so what if she's not going into law or business? who the fuck cares about that? she has talent, and that's a lot more than half your employees can scrap up combined. so apologize. and don't ever talk to my girlfriend like that again if you wish to maintain a relationship with me."
a flicker of emotion finally appears on his father's face. it twitches, threatening to form into something you cannot name, but it makes his expression harden, his eyes a little sharper than before. but there's something else too. something like curiosity. interest. maybe even amusement.
surprising nearly everyone in the room, kyung-jun's father smiles. it's the ghost of a grin, barely even noticeable, but it's so foreign on his face that everyone is able to catch it. and while it is a little unsettling, you don't see any signs of malicious intent in the expression.
"ki-jung is right. you have changed. guess we know the reason now." his directs his attention to you, accentuating his point, and he keeps it there as he continues, "apologies for my rudeness. still, i advise that you consider taking up a minor in business. kyung-jun will work for the company when he's older, and i'll expect his wife to do the same. we can put you in a lower division job so you can continue your music career if that's what you wish."
kyung-jun chokes at the word, and you feel your own face heat up in bafflement, "w-wife?"
he frowns, "are you not planning to marry my son?"
you shake your head, waving your hands insistently so he doesn't get the wrong idea, "it's not that it's just..." you spare another look at kyung-jun, whose ears are flushed a dark shade of red, just as embarrassed as you feel, "we've only been dating for three months. i haven't really thought of it yet."
"it's a crucial thing you need to consider. if you aren't serious about my son, then you can leave. don't waste his time."
"father." kyung-jun hisses.
you clear your throat, laying a hand gently on kyung-jun's arm, "i assure you i'm very serious about your son sir. he means a lot to me, and i want to spend the rest of my life with him, as much as time will allow. but marriage is pretty far in the future i think. let's revisit this conversation then?"
"it's never to early to think about it," he responds, but doesn't press the issue further. he nods his head towards your untouched plates of food, a clear indication for you to eat. you share a quick glance with kyung-jun, and silently, without another word, you both pick up your chopsticks and start stuffing it piece by piece into your mouths.
-
"well, that went better than i thought."
kyung-jun immediately groans at your statement, slumping over to his bed. the back of his knees hit the frame, and he drops onto the dark green sheets, throwing his arm across his face as he flutters his eyes shut.
"it was a fucking disaster." he grumbles, making you laugh.
the rest of the dinner went by exactly as you expected. polite conversation, mainly driven by ki-jung, while his father would ask more serious inquires about your future. towards the end, when the plates were cleared, he dismissed the three of you with a wave of his hand, and kyung-jun wasted no time in leading you away to his room.
"he approved our relationship though. that's all that matters, right?" you point out, trying to look on the bright side of things. even if the dinner itself was awkward and tense, he didn't kick you out, and he seemed somewhat pleased by kyung-jun's little outburst. in your book, that was a win.
kyung-jun remains quiet for a moment, considering your words. he removes his arm and slowly sits up, leaning forward and clasping his hands together in his lap. his head is lowered, eyes trained to the floor, and his voice comes out quiet, "i'm sorry. he was awful to you."
"jagiya," you smile when kyung-jun's ears flush at the term of endearment. you step closer, gingerly running your fingers through his hair, causing him to lift his head. you slip your hand down to cradle his face, stroking your thumb gently along his cheeks, "don't apologize. i'm fine. we're fine. okay?"
you lean forward, pressing your lips lightly against the space between his brows. you feel kyung-jun's body relax at the touch, his eyes fluttering close as he presses his cheek more firmly against your palm.
you glance around his room, which contains qualities of the boy you love. next to his bed is a small bookshelf, which holds a variety of video games, and on his desk sits a computer and some photographs of the two of you. the space is a lot neater than you would've expected, and while kyung-jun doesn't own a lot of things, there's a clear pattern within the objects that do decorate the space. like the reoccurrence of the color green and basketball related items.
the door clicks open, and you both turn, spotting ki-jung at the entrance. he looks between the two of you, a sly grin curling his lips as he steps inside. his hands are clasped behind his back, holding something you cannot see from your current position.
"hey lovebirds. i brought you a little gift. you know, to celebrate dad giving his blessing."
"get out ki-jung." kyung-jun snaps, glaring at his brother from across the room.
"you guys can kiss all you want when i'm done. here." he holds up a small binder, waving it enticingly in the air.
your eyes widen when you recognize the item, "oh my god. is that what i think it is?"
kyung-jun goes still, lips parted in disbelief, "where the fuck did you even get that?"
ki-jung's grin widens, a hint of mischief reflected in his eyes, "i've been saving it for the moment you got a girlfriend. it's tradition to show off all your embarrassing photos after all."
a flash of panic seizes kyung-jun's body. he abruptly stands, lunging for the book, but ki-jung is quicker. he throws it to you, and you catch it in your hands, eagerly sitting down on the bed and flipping to the first page.
a photo of a small baby is the first thing you see. his chubby face is flushed red from the cold, small fingers stuffed in his mouth. his tiny body is dressed in a fluffy bear sweater, and on his head is a hood with cute fuzzy ears.
"kyung-jun! you were so cute as a baby!" you gush, your affection growing as you continue scanning similar photos tucked neatly into the plastic covers.
"why do you have to ruin my life?" kyung-jun grumbles to his brother, who cackles loudly as a response.
"you're welcome." he pats him on the back before slipping out of the room, clicking the door shut behind him.
you continue flipping through the pages, the tenderness of your heart growing with each image you see of your boyfriend when he was a kid. you can feel kyung-jun's eyes on you from across the room, his annoyance radiating off his figure. but when you pay him no mind he sighs, staggering over to the bed and sitting down beside you.
he rests his head on your shoulder, joining you in the activity of scanning the memories of his childhood. you pause when you reach his early childhood stage, finding a photo of him and a woman outside eating ice cream. his face is covered in the pink treat, but kyung-jun smiles brightly at the photo, flashing all his teeth. you notice he's missing his front tooth, creating a cute little gap in his grin.
you point to the photo, "when was this?"
kyung-jun leans in closer to get a better look, and when his eyes land upon the captured moment, his expression softens, "at the amusement park. my mom let me and ki-jung skip school that day so we could go."
"is this her?" you ask, referring to the woman beside him.
"yeah." kyung-jun breathes quietly.
you take the sight of her in. she has long hair, the same shade as kyung-jun's, and her eyes are bright with joy. you notice she has the same crooks in her smile as the boy, as well as the same slope of his nose, "she's beautiful."
kyung-jun doesn't say anything, a thoughtful look in his eyes. you balance the album in your lap, resting one hand on the back cover. with your free arm you reach up and press your palm against his cheek, brushing your fingers gently along his skin in a soothing manner.
you flip to another page, revealing several photos of him in school. the walls and layout of the classrooms look familiar, and when you flip to a page of him in his uniform with the entire class, a gasp slips through your lips.
"no way," you remove your hand, causing kyung-jun to lift his head and lean back in confusion. you angle your body to face him completely, "you went to daehyun elementary school?"
kyung-jun furrows his eyebrows in confusion, "yeah?"
"i did too!" you laugh, shaking your head in disbelief, "we could've met a lot sooner. i guess our paths were always meant to cross, huh?"
kyung-jun's lips part slightly in surprise, before slowly curling into a smile. you return it, then shift your attention back to the photo album.
"oh, looks like we went to different middle schools though. that's a shame." you mumble when you encounter a class photo of kyung-jun in a light gray uniform. at this point in the album, the photos are all taken by the school, and you wonder if this is around the time his mother died. ki-jung must've collected whatever photos he could to help contribute to the collection.
"you wouldn't have wanted to know me in middle school." kyung-jun mutters, and there's a bitter note in his tone, along with something else you cannot currently place.
you lift up your head, frowning, "why do you say that?"
"because i was small. and weak," he lets out a hollow laugh, his eyes fixated on that photograph, staring at it like the sight of it repulses him, "i got picked on a lot, too. it was pathetic really."
"kyung-jun." you mumble softly, urging him to look up. he does, "you aren't pathetic. and i wouldn't have cared if you were small and weak. i like every version of you."
kyung-jun's eyes waver, something pained and tender reflecting in them. it makes your heart squeeze inside your chest, aching at the sight. you wish he wouldn't think so lowly of himself. you wish he knew that vulnerability didn't have to be a weakness, and he could share that side with you. you wish he knew that you loved every single part of him, no matter what.
you give him a soft smile, and when he slowly returns it, the light in his eyes returning, you feel like you can breath a little easier.
"anyways, those kids are lucky i wasn't there. i would've beat them up for you." you lift up your arm, flexing your muscles to prove your point. kyung-jun laughs, shaking his head before leaning forward and pressing his face against your neck. he rests there, breathing softly, his hot breath fanning against your skin. it tickles, and a small giggle bubbles in your throat as you bask in the moment, fluttering your eyes shut.
-
you're not the one dying, and yet, it feels that way. like your body is decaying in tandem to the one cradled in your arms, the life rapidly draining from their form far quicker than you can comprehend. you've tried to stop it. to suspend time just long enough to fix it. to mend the broken pieces.
because this wasn't supposed to happen. not like this. not to him.
something warm and sticky coats the palm of your hands. when you glance down, taking in the dark red color covering every inch of your trembling fingers, your heart stops inside your chest, all air seized from your lungs.
blood. so much of it, filling the air with its heavy, metallic scent. your eyes widen in horror, a choked, distressed noise pulled painfully from your throat. how can the human body produce so much of it? the way it pools beneath a dying boy, spreading to places it should've never touched, spilling and spilling with each second that passes.
wet tears slide down your face, blurring your vision and distorting the world around you. there's an inescapable dread twisting in the pit of your stomach, followed by an ache that fills every empty space within your chest, intensifying until it becomes hard to breathe. like your lungs are too small to function, and your heart has been torn into pieces, barely even recognizable.
your vision clears, and there, staring up at you with hazy eyes, is kyung-jun.
his skin is pale and clammy, his face twisted in discomfort, wincing with every subtle shift of his body. his lips part to speak, but no words come out, only pained groans that barely reach your ears. your lips move rapidly to produce whatever incoherent mumbling you can, a blend between hushed reassurances and desperate begging for him to stay here, to not slip away from your fingers.
"just keep your eyes open, okay? i know it hurts, but you have to stay awake, kyung-jun. please. please don't leave me. please just-"
your body snaps awake.
a sharp gasp is produced from your throat, eyes flying open as you hastily sit up on the bed. your attention flits rapidly around the dark room, the panic seizing your body slowly ebbing away as you take in the scene before you. you blink, recognizing your pink curtains and the dresser opposite of your bed. when it finally hits you, the realization that you're in your room, you sag a little in relief.
you look down at your hands, which are trembling uncontrollably, but they are clean of any blood. you press your palm flat against your chest, where your heart pounds erratically within, your breaths torn and ragged. then, you slip your touch to your face, where wet tears slide down your cheeks.
'you're fine. it was just a nightmare.'
but why hasn't the dread settled? why does it linger in your body, looming like some bad omen?
you get the feeling that whatever you witnessed in your sleep was not just a product of irrational fear over kyung-jun's death. that somehow, someway, your mind is trying to warn you of something. and the prospect of that, the idea that your dream could be a reality, makes your heart drop.
'this didn't happen in the future.'
but if that's true, then kyung-jun's fate hasn't changed.
it only happens sooner.
Notes:
first things first
yes i got butterflies writing that kiss scene. yes there is more where that came from. you're welcome for feeding you
secondly
mc meeting the family??? kyung-jun being the epitome of acts of service?? defending his girl?? yes.
lastly
sorry for that last scene of the chapter MAUAAUUAU i told you this is the calm before the stormanyways the next chapter is the last one of the autumn arc :C i can't believe it's ending already like it literally just started LOL but like i said autumn is pretty calm and a lot of it is just filler tbh and setting up for winter. which omg the winter arc is so exciting i can't wait.
as always i love you guys and love reading your comments and leave your theories of what you think that dream means HEHEHEHEH see you guys with the next chapter !! mwah
Chapter 19: sixteen
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
6 MONTHS BEFORE THE ACCIDENT.
SEPTEMBER - NOVEMBER
there's this feeling of unease that seems to suffocate the world now. pressing down on every inch of the room. eradicating the oxygen in the air, resulting in trembling forms and anxious hearts.
for seniors in all parts of south korea, this anxiety is rooted from the most important day of their lives. the one that will dictate the rest of their future, their children's future, and everything in between.
the day of the college entrance exam.
while the test makes your own stomach feel a little queasy, stress becoming a close companion of yours as a result of endless studying, the fate of your future is not the reason for your restlessness. rather, it is the fate of someone else's future.
ko kyung-jun's future.
the nightmares come almost every night now. they arrive like a ghost haunting your dreams, igniting terror in all parts of your mind and body. it's always the same scenario. the pop of a gun echoing in your ears. kyung-jun's blood all over your trembling hands. his cold, pale skin and the flame of his life growing dimmer and dimmer until it's blown out completely.
you'll wake up in a cold sweat, your heartbeat pounding in your ears, threatening to burst out of your chest. and the tears never stop, flowing steadily down your face, creating shiny trails along your cheeks.
automatically, like it's instinct, your hands will reach for your phone and pull up kyung-jun's contact. all you want to do is hear his voice. to listen to the steadiness of his breathing. any signs that he's alive, a drum that has yet to stop playing.
but you always stop yourself. your thumb will hover over the button, hesitation keeping a tight grip around your limbs, preventing you from taking that final step to reach him. because no matter how much comfort kyung-jun may bring, how do you explain the cause of your distress? how do you reveal the possibility that his death may come sooner than expected? than you're ready for?
so instead, you wipe your tears away with the back of your hand, take several large gulps of air, and fall back asleep.
one november morning, while you were spared from another night of terror, your anxiousness hasn't dimmed. it still flutters in your stomach, brushing against your ribs and turning the contents within. you glance to your left, eyeing the calendar pinned to the wall and the bright red circle around today's date.
you release a long breath, that singular exhale easing some of the tension coiling around your body. you slip out of bed, finding comfort in the mindless motions of washing up in the bathroom and pulling on some warm clothes. it helps momentarily distract you from the long day ahead of you, and somewhat soothes the uncomfortable twisting in your stomach.
your mouth falls open in a yawn, arms stretched towards the sky. you feel the satisfying ache that pulls your muscles, shaking off the last remnants of sleep lingering in your body. you enter the kitchen, ready to greet your mother, only to stop in your tracks at the sight before you.
ko kyung-jun sitting at the kitchen table and eating quietly from a large spread of breakfast like it's nothing.
recently, the scene has become a new development in your household. your boyfriend has made it a habit to show up at your doorstep so the two of you can walk to school together, but as the weather grew colder, your mother insisted he wait for you inside. and of course, that also meant accepting whatever food she made that morning. as time passed, he began arriving earlier and earlier, and now he sits at the table and eats breakfast with you almost every day. your mother even purchased his own set of plates and chopsticks that she brings out each time he comes over.
while your heart usually grows warm at the sight, the heavy weight on your shoulders is affecting your current mood, causing irritation to simmer beneath your skin when you spot kyung-jun's smug grin.
"yah," you mutter, shooting him a sharp look, "do you live here or something?"
kyung-jun barely glances up to acknowledge your presence. he simply carries on with his previous actions, which consists of tucking various side dishes inside a large perilla leaf, "should i?" he mumbles absentmindedly, quietly contemplating your question, but there's no denying the teasing lilt in his voice, "eomeoni, can i move in?"
your mother, who sits across from him, smiles warmly, "i'm not opposed to it."
you release a sharp breath, shaking your head. yet another recent development that fills your days. your boyfriend and mother ganging up on you for their own enjoyment.
you shuffle to the spare seat at the table and nudge kyung-jun's leg with your own, "scoot over. you're taking up all the space."
kyung-jun chuckles softly at your irritated voice, no doubt finding your grumpy mood an entertaining shift in your demeanor. but kyung-jun must know what's good for him, for he silently complies by picking up his seat and moving over to the right. you plop down into the chair, immediately relaxing into the plush cushions by leaning your head back and closing your eyes.
when you feel the shift of movement beside you, followed by the warmth of someone's leg and arm pressed against your own, you open one eye and peek at the culprit from the corner of your vision. kyung-jun smiles at you, a falsely innocent expression, as if he isn't aware of his actions and the way it gets under your skin. annoyed, you shift away, only for him to erase the distance created with another swift, casual movement. you huff, leaning your body forward and resting your arms on the table in defeat.
"mom, tell him to stop. he's being annoying." you whine.
your mother clicks her tongue at you and sends you a sharp glare, making you shrink back against your chair in fear of being scolded. when she finds she's been successful in her threat, she directs her attention to kyung-jun, and the way her features instantly soften makes you blink at her in disbelief, "ignore her dear. she gets grouchy when she's stressed."
"i'm not stressed." you stubbornly deny.
"the bags under your eyes says otherwise." kyung-jun retorts. his remark earns him a swift kick to his leg, causing him to release a pained yelp and a barely concealed curse.
"shut up." you snap, picking up your chopsticks and aggressively stuffing a serving of rice into your mouth.
as you chew forcefully on the grains, kyung-jun chuckles before placing a firm hand on your back, his touch warm and comforting. as he begins rubbing small circles along your spine, you start to relax, any and all negative emotions seeping out of your body.
you grab a serving of kimchi and eat it alongside another bite of rice. the sour flavor lingering on your tongue makes the bitterness return, much more intense than before.
"why do i have to take this stupid test? wasn't my audition enough? all that practicing is the equivalent of studying is it not?" you rant, slumping back into your chair and kicking your feet dramatically.
kyung-jun snickers from beside you, his laughter barely contained within the silent shake of his shoulders. you angle your head towards his face, pulling your lips into a pout as if it'd cease his teasing. instead of apologizing, your boyfriend assembles another bite of rice and kimchi wrapped in a perilla leaf and presses it against your lips, keeping it there until you have no choice but to part them open and chomp down on the contents.
'well, i guess this is his way of saying sorry.'
"just get through the test and you'll be fine," you mother reassures you with a firm and gentle tone, causing you to exhale harshly through your nose in defeat. you lean forward and resume eating.
for the remainder of breakfast, you listen to the idle chatter between your mother and kyung-jun, and the sound of their voices, the ease and familiarity in which they interact, helps calm you down. the intense twisting and curling of your stomach is soothed into nothing but a gentle flutter, and your heartbeat slows down in rhythm until it's simply the gentle tapping of a drum.
kyung-jun gathers up your plates and stacks them into a pile, and while he moves to place them in the sink, you reach for both your bags in the hallway. the boy meets you at the entryway where your shoes sit, and after slinging his bag across his chest, the both of you sit side by side and tug on your shoes.
"wait! i packed some snacks for you," just as you stand, your mother comes rushing to the door, holding up two boxes wrapped neatly in a cloth. she hands you a flower print one, "there's some cut up mango slices. oh, and kyung-jun, i left you some bananas."
she hands the other to your boyfriend, who blinks slowly in surprise, staring down at the object in his hands with quiet contemplation. kyung-jun always got like that whenever your mother did something kind for him, like packing him lunch or pulling him into a tight hug. he's slowly grown to accept her blatant display of affection, but oftentimes, like this particular moment, he's always caught off guard, like he can't fathom the idea of her caring for him like her own.
eventually, the corners up his mouth twitch into a smile, and he tips his head slightly in gratitude, "thank you."
she smiles warmly at him, reaching out a hand and tenderly stroking his hair. she does the same for you before stepping back and waving the two of you off, "i'll be waiting for you guys once it's over. good luck!"
you wave goodbye as you step out the door, immediately being greeted with the cold autumn air. the bitter wind nips at your cheeks, eliciting a shiver throughout your entire body. you hastily zip up your jacket to the very top, burrowing your face into the soft inner fabric. as you begin walking, you step closer to kyung-jun, linking your arm with his own and stuffing your hand inside his pockets. almost immediately, his fingers curl around your palm, allowing you to feel the warmth of his skin.
you walk alongside one another down the treelined path, huddled close enough to exchange body heat in order to fight against the harsh cold. november came with a dramatic shift in the world. as the month quickly rolled past, a drop in temperature and the dying of plants was brought upon with it, leaving behind nothing but naked trees and withered grass plots.
unlike summer, autumn passed by with the snap of a finger. in just the blink of an eye, the season came and went. it is strange, considering how slow your days felt at the time. lounging around in bed with kyung-jun, walking idly in the park to feed ducks and catch red leaves from the sky. you soaked in every precious moment, never taking a single second for gratitude. and yet, it slipped past your fingers so quickly no matter how tightly you tried to hold on.
'how much more time do i have here in the past? until the nightmares in my sleep come true?' you look at kyung-jun, taking in the way his cheeks are flushed red from the cold. a quiet ache settles in the space between your ribs, a tender sort of affection, 'i don't want these simple days to end.'
you lean your body against his and press your cheek against his arm, "let's do our best on the csat, okay?"
kyung-jun releases a short breath at the mention of the upcoming test, his lips curled into a slight frown. ever since you insisted he take it with you, he's done nothing but his annoyance over the matter any time you brought it up in conversation. his displeasure was especially prominent during quiet afternoons at your house. instead of sleeping the day away, you forced him to study with you, to which he complained almost the entire session.
"i can't believe you insisted i take this stupid test. you know i don't need to go to college, right?" he grumbles.
"it doesn't matter if you're rich. you should still get an education. and besides," you tilt your head towards his face, smiling brightly in his direction, "wouldn't it be nice for us to go to the same college? think of all the dates we could go on, and we'd see each other everyday."
"we already see each other everyday, and not everyone is capable of getting into SNU like you are." he points out.
"yah, don't doubt yourself," you scold, glaring at him rather halfheartedly. when your boyfriend's features remain relatively indifferent, you clear your throat, grinning mischievously as you nudge him playfully with your elbow, "i actually heard you're quite the math genius."
kyung-jun scoffs, "did those idiots seung-bin and jin-ha tell you that?"
"you know, now that i look back on it, they were totally trying to set us up."
he tips his head back and groans, "i told them not to interfere. they never fucking listen."
"well it worked. smart people are totally my type."
"oh yeah? then was hyun-ho an outlier?"
you sigh, shaking your head in exasperation, "you really know how to hold a grudge, don't you?"
this time it's kyung-jun's turn to smirk teasingly in your direction. while the two boys remain civil in your presence, there's remains the underlying tension hidden behind false smiles and clipped, polite exchanges. and you, you're always stuck in the center of their quarrels, unable to do anything but give them pointed stares to help relieve the strained atmosphere.
instead of responding, kyung-jun picks up in speed, turning his pace into a brisk walk. still looped around his arm, you're forced to stumble after him with a shriek, which is quickly followed by breathless laughter and a curse with no bite.
-
the csat goes exactly as you anticipated. eight long hours of pouring any and all information within your head onto several pieces of paper. restraining yourself from looking at the clock and the time steadily slipping away. ignoring the twisting and turning of your stomach, which was making it especially hard to concentrate.
during snack time, you stuffed mango slices into your mouth while agonizing over your answers, wondering if you were judging yourself too harshly. then, the process repeated for the remainder of the exam, until you finally stumbled out of the building with a fried brain and a weight lifted off your shoulders.
kyung-jun, annoyingly so, barely seemed affected by the absolute torture you just endured, as if it were simply another day at school. when the two of you met up outside the doors, you could barely speak as you stumbled towards him, too tired to formulate any words onto your tongue. and kyung-jun, understanding your wants and needs, simply opened his arms and pulled you into a tight, warm embrace, taking all your burdens as his own.
for dinner that night, your mother took the two of you to a restaurant you used to frequent as a kid. she didn't ask any questions related to the exam, but rather, expressed how proud she was of you both for completing it. from then on, the conversation took hold of various topics, ranging from christmas wishes to kyung-jun's upcoming birthday.
days later, you find yourselves tucked into a small corner of the music room. the space is still crowded with random objects and large stacks of boxes, but you hardly cared for the mess. even months later, it is as comforting as ever, especially now that the world has slowed down from the frantic pace the csat brought upon.
you sit perched on a chair by the window, golden light washing across every surface it reaches through the glass panes. kyung-jun sits on the floor, leaning against the shelves carrying old instruments and music books. one leg is stretched out across the floor while the other is folded to his chest, his arm resting casually on his knee. his head is angled in your direction, his gaze unwavering and intense as he keeps his attention trained on you.
a sweet melody fills the still, quiet space, brushing gently against your ears and sinking deep into flesh and bone. it feels nice to play simply for the fun of it. to create music for nothing more but the wish to fill the world with something beautiful, and not with the accompanying stress of preparing for your audition. now that it's done and over with, you allow your body to guide itself in creating whatever sweet notes surface to mind.
at some point during the song, when you pluck the string with your finger, a sharp pain follows the vibration beneath the pad. you halt abruptly, momentarily startled as you place down your instrument and look down at your hands. little indents run along the skin, a result of years of practice, but right along your pointer finger is a drop of blood.
"what's wrong?" kyung-jun asks, face twisted slightly in confusion.
"i'm bleeding," you mumble, lifting up your hand and showing it to the boy, "it must be because of the weather." with how cold it is now, the air is drier than usual, making your skin crack if you forget to moisturize properly. it could also be because of how hard you pressed down on the strings.
it doesn't bother you though. you've had your fair share of injuries from practicing for too long. it is not an uncommon sight for your fingers to have band-aids wrapped around almost every single one, and you hardly notice the pain of it at all.
kyung-jun gets up from the floor, walking the short distance to where you sit by the window. all his attention is fixed on your outstretched palm, and gingerly, like he's afraid of hurting you, he takes your hand and cradles it in his own. as he inspects the cut, the corners of his lips twitch into a frown.
without a word, he crouches down and reaches into his pocket, taking out two objects. one is a band-aid, a light blue one with little stars, and the other makes your heart stop entirely in it's gentle rhythm, breath caught somewhere in your throat.
kyung-jun uses the creamy white handkerchief with music notes to gently wipe the blood away, then unwraps the band-aid and places it around the cut. as he does the tentative motions, his eyes are narrowed in concentration, making his features tense, but in an endearing way. when your boyfriend is attentive like this, you can't help the flush that settles upon your cheeks, nor the pounding of your heart growing louder and louder with each passing second.
"you kept it." you find yourself blurting out loud, still fixated on your possession in his hands.
kyung-jun freezes for a moment, his ears turning a bright shade of red. he then lowers his gaze, "i just forgot to give it back."
you smile teasingly, leaning in closer, "you had plenty of opportunities to do so. did you perhaps want to keep it for yourself?"
"so what?" he mutters out, still refusing to meet your eyes.
a bubble of laughter bursts out of your throat as you shake your head softly at his shyness. you press a hand against his cheek, cradling the side of his face, which prompts kyung-jun to finally lift up his gaze. you brush your thumb lovingly against his cheek, drinking the sight of him in.
the golden light drifting through the window reflects in his eyes, casting a warm glow across his face. it makes the dark shade of his irises appear lighter than before, a beautiful blend of chocolate and honey. and the way he stares up at you, blinking slowly as he leans into your tender touch, makes the warmth blooming inside of you grow like a bonfire being fed barks of wood. this feeling, this affection, it is no longer a flickering candle dripping wax, but rather, an internal fire that consumes you entirely.
you lean forward and press your lips against his forehead. kyung-jun sighs, tilting his head up slightly, and you smile as you pull back and mumble gently against his skin, "what am i gonna do with you? at this rate, you'll make me fall in love."
"aren't you already?" he mumbles lowly, a quiet chuckle rumbling in his throat.
"yeah. i am." you sigh, pressing another kiss against his skin, this time on his cheek, right below his eye. kyung-jun's eyes flutter close, his body sagging in relief, all the tension pulled out his body from the careful way you brush your lips along every inch of his face.
you finally pull back, drifting your hand from his face up to his hair. you begin running your fingers gently through the strands, massaging his scalp and pressing small circles against his temple. kyung-jun's eyes remain closed, pliant beneath your touch. it makes you laugh quietly beneath your breath. it's way too easy to reduce him to nothing at the palm of your hand.
"hey, kyung-jun, i just realized," you mumble, struck with a sudden thought. kyung-jun hums absentmindedly, the only indicator that he's listening as his current state goes relatively undisturbed, "it's become a habit."
kyung-jun slowly flutters his eyes open, confused for a moment by your comment. but then it hits him, the underlying meaning behind your statement. it dawns upon him in one swift moment, transforming his features into a small, knowing smile.
"it has." he agrees.
at his confirmation, that this quiet, still space is one where your paths continuously cross, merging your lives into one, it solidifies the fact that it belongs only to the two of you. that the lovely melody of a violin, the quiet attention he fixes upon your face, the gentle sunlight streaming through a window, is something time and fate cannot alter.
-
"is this the right house?"
yoon-seo, jung-won and yourself stare at the white gate and gray walls that surround the current building in front of you, rather uncertain in your actions. in each of your arms you hold a variety of dishes, all of which have been prepared beforehand and placed neatly into plastic containers and old grocery bags. yoon-seo is the first to step closer, squinting at the plaque right beside the entrance.
"638?" she asks, turning towards jung-won for confirmation, who already has her phone out to check the address.
"seems about right." she mumbles, and that's all the affirmation you need to push the gate open and step inside.
your friends follow closely behind, glancing around the unfamiliar place as you reach the door. you hesitate only for a moment before swiftly knocking three times then stepping back, waiting anxiously for it to open.
"do you think the others have arrived already?" yoon-seo whispers to you and jung-won.
"most likely," you reply, listening to the sound of muffled chatter and quiet rummaging coming from within the walls. you sigh dejectedly, "hopefully they haven't started eating without us." you've been anticipating this event all day, even skipping lunch so could savor the promise of food. at the thought of what awaits beyond the door, your stomach grumbles slightly.
"if only we didn't burn the first batch of cookies." jung-won mutters, sending a quick, pointed glance in your direction.
at the reminder of the unfortunate scene that occurred earlier in the morning, the smell of burnt food and gray smoke billowing in the air, you frown, "i said i was sorry!"
"doesn't your mom bake for a living?"
"i got my dad's skills."
jung-won opens her mouth to respond with something clever, like how genetics hardly matter when it comes to talent. but the sound of a lock clicking and the hinges of a door opening ceases any smart remarks. all three of you straighten, holding up your respective trays of food and presenting them to heo-yool, who stands at the door with crossed arms and a playful grin.
"please forgive us for being late," you apologize, peeking one eye open to gauge his reaction. heo-yool's expression hasn't shifted one bit. if anything, he looks even more amused than before. you swallow thickly, holding the container higher, "we brought dessert?"
"jung-won, i would've expected you to be more punctual." heo-yool clicks his tongue disapprovingly, shaking his head in the same manner.
jung-won narrows her eyes at him, "it's not like it was my fault. i told them to just buy something at the store."
"cookies taste better homemade though." yoon-seo mumbles.
"and it's the thought that counts, right heo-yool?" you plaster on the most pleading look you can muster, "so, can you please let us in?"
heo-yool hums thoughtfully, tilting his head as he presses a finger against his chin, "i don't know, should i?"
"please? we're really hungry, and we spent all day making this for you." you whine.
your classmate continues his contemplative state, unmoved by your pleading. just when you're about to take matters into your own hands and just barge in, eun-ha's irritated voice cuts through the silence, echoing from somewhere inside the house, "heo-yool! stop being a jerk and let them in, i'm starving!"
heo-yool sighs dramatically before stepping aside, "alright, fine. come in."
you eagerly rush inside, kicking off your shoes and wandering towards the source of all the laughter and conversation. in the living room, the couches have been pushed back against the wall, leaving room for a large table surrounded by a random assortment of chairs. almost all the seats are completely filled by your classmates, save for a couple scattered in different spots.
there's an empty chair to jun-hee's right, which you and jung-won push yoon-seo towards so she has no choice but to settle in with a shy smile. the last three empty seats are next to dong-hyun, na-hee, and kyung-jun.
the moment you spot him, a smile stretches across your face, and it doesn't take long for kyung-jun to glance up and return it with one of his own. your feet begin moving automatically, maneuvering carefully around the crowded room to settle into the plastic chair beside your boyfriend.
"cookies?" he asks, nodding his head towards the container.
"yup. i made them myself. with the help of yoon-seo and jung-won of course." you confirm proudly before placing them neatly on an empty spot on the table.
"is that why your face is covered in flour?"
"what?" you whip your head around so quickly the muscles in your neck scream in protest, cramping slightly. panic consumes you as you hastily wipe your face with the back of your hand, "but yoon-seo and jung-won said i got it all off!" you continue the frantic motions, not realizing kyung-jun is messing with you until you hear his quiet chuckles. you huff, shoving his shoulder, "you're a jerk, you know that?"
the clink of metal upon metal pulls you away from your annoyance, directing your attention to heo-yool, who stands at the far end of the table. each conversation dies down until the room is silent, all heads turned towards your classmate and patiently awaiting whatever announcement he wants to make.
heo-yool places down the cup and dramatically clears his throat, "firstly, i would like to congratulate all my hardworking classmates for taking the college entrance exam. you are way better than me, 'cause i didn't even sign up," some laughs erupt across the room, making heo-yool's smile widen. he turns towards you, "and also a congratulations to our class prodigy for her audition to SNU. remember me when you're famous," when you flash him a grin and a thumbs up, he finally angles his body to face jun-hee, "class president? any words for the lovely guests?"
jun-hee pushes back his chair and stands up, looking at each and every person, "i just want to say i'm proud of everyone, regardless if you took the csat or not. you've all worked really hard senior year. so let's finish exams just as strong okay? and let's make the last of our senior year a good one."
"class president," heo-yool mumbles, placing his palm flat on his chest, directly over his heart, "that was so beautiful i could cry."
jun-hee chuckles at the boy's emotional response, then proceeds to clap his hands once, loudly, and announce, "let's eat!"
all at once, each person scrambles for the dishes scattered on the table. each one was brought in by a different person, creating a grand feast to properly celebrate the end of the csat season. there is store bought containers and homemade food and takeout boxes, anything you can possibly imagine covering each inch of the furniture. the sight of it makes your hunger return in full force.
your eyes catch onto a container filled with kimchi pancakes further down the table, much too far for you to reach sitting down. you contemplate standing up, or perhaps asking someone to pass it down, only to pause when kyung-jun silently reaches for it himself.
he must've noticed you eyeing the food, for he places a serving on your plate without a word. he then puts it back in its original spot and exchanges it for a plate of mandu, another one of your favorite foods. as he's arranging it neatly on your plate, heo-yool's voice cuts through the chaos of the dinner.
"wait a minute...." he trails off, narrowing his eyes as he glances frantically between the two of you. a thought forms in his head, transforming the planes of his face into that of concentration as he slowly puts the pieces together, "are you two dating?"
he says the latter part of his sentence with a shout, loud enough to make everyone in the room freeze and turn towards you and kyung-jun with wide eyes and lips parted in disbelief. your face burns from the sudden question, alongside being beneath the scrutiny of your classmates. from beside you, kyung-jun's ears are that familiar shade of red, the only quality of his character that betrays his embarrassment.
as the silence persists, suffocating the room, you finally clear your throat to respond, "we are."
"holy shit." heo-yool breathes, and following his curse is an onslaught of questions thrown into the air so rapidly you fail to wrap your head around each one.
"what? since when?!"
"no wonder he's been acting all nice lately."
"i did not see that coming."
"kyung-jun? ko kyung-jun? how did that even happen?"
"is this real? are we getting pranked?"
"kyung-jun! how did you manage to get her to like you?"
"who confessed first?"
"are you guys done?" kyung-jun finally snaps, sending a sharp glare to each person bombarding you with their inquiries. they all jump in their seats, sealing their lips shut as they glance around the room and pick at their food to avoid his stare.
eun-ha sighs, leaning back in her seat, "it's about time we had a new couple in the class. ji-soo and yu-jun are insufferable."
"hey!" yu-jun shouts, offended by her comment.
"alright alright settle down, no fighting while we eat," heo-yool effectively disperses the tense atmosphere with the wave of his hand.
people quickly forget about the announcement as more food gets distributed around the table, making you sag a little in relief. heo-yool stands up and disappears into the kitchen, returning shortly after with two bottles of soju.
"now who's ready for a drink?" he announces, holding it up proudly in the air.
at the sight of the bottle, the whole class groans.
"oh no, not again. i threw up so much last time." eun-ha whines, staring at the object fearfully as if the sight of it alone could hurt her.
heo-yool snickers, "lightweight."
"excuse me?" she shouts, holding up a fist in a threatening motion.
heo-yool sticks out his tongue before walking around the perimeter of the table, pouring a bit of the liquid into the cups of those who request it. when he makes it to your side of the table, you hold out your own cup, only for it to get snatched out of your hands by none other than your boyfriend.
kyung-jun ignores your pout as he places it back on the table, "your mom will kill me if i bring you home drunk."
"then i'll spend the night with you." you respond, which makes kyung-jun pause for a brief moment, caught off guard by your suggestion. he blinks at you, a slow smile settling upon his lips as he shakes his head.
"you shouldn't say things like that. i'll get the wrong idea."
"maybe i want you to get the wrong idea."
kyung-jun stares at you in disbelief, which makes you throw your head back and laugh. he scowls, displeased that you're finding his reaction entertaining rather than taking it serious. he shifts away and starts eating his food, and doesn't spare you a glance until you tug on the sleeve of his shirt and apologize profusely for teasing him.
as the night continues and dinner ends, groups break off into different sections of the house. the table is moved and the couches return to their original spots, filled with your classmates cramped onto the soft cushions watching tv. in the kitchen, heo-yool experiments with the alcohol by adding different juices for a sweeter taste, and those partaking in the drinking give him requests. near the stairs, people sit on the steps eating the desserts you brought and conversing quietly.
you find hyun-ho with na-hee near the hallway. the girl is huddled close to your friend, a shy smile painting her expression and a gentle flush on her cheeks. hyun-ho watches her speak quietly, attentive to her every word and movement. as you take in the exchange occurring before your eyes, something clicks in your brain when hyun-ho laughs and na-hee's eyes twinkle with something you're all too familiar with.
'oh, she totally likes him.'
na-hee gets up from her seat, motioning towards the kitchen as an indicator for her motive. as she shuffles past you, you give her a knowing look, causing her cheeks to redden even further than before. she scurries away, leaving you and hyun-ho alone.
you settle into the seat on the other side of him, slumping back with a soft sigh. hyun-ho offers you a cookie, and you take it gratefully, nibbling distractedly on the sweet chocolate as you stare off into space.
hyun-ho nudges you slightly, earning your attention.
"what's on your mind?" he asks, his concern clear in his eyes.
you hesitate for a moment, unsure whether you should confide in hyun-ho about the nightmares terrorizing you each night. but he's probably the only person who could fully understand what you're going through without thinking you're crazy. and being a time traveler himself, maybe he's experiencing the same thing.
"i've been getting these weird dreams," you start to explain, feeling the unease coil tightly within your stomach along with a heavy weight pressing down on your chest until it becomes difficult to breathe, "and i can't shake off this really bad feeling. like something bad is going to happen soon."
hyun-ho frowns at your words. he glances around, and once confirming no one is nearby, he shifts closer while lowering his voice, "does it feel like a vision?"
you nod, "have you been getting them, too?"
"yeah."
you sigh, feeling just slightly relieved that you're not alone in this, "what's yours about?"
hyun-ho doesn't respond at first. his eyes grow unfocused, like he's recalling the images that've been coming to him in the late hours of the night. when he does speak, his voice comes out shaky, "your accident."
you stiffen slightly, having not expected that response. you still don't know anything about that day. not a single detail, at least, not one that hasn't been told to you already. and while you wish to ask hyun-ho to elaborate, you don't feel ready to face what's to come quite yet.
instead, you focus on a different detail that burrows beneath your skin, bothering you relentlessly, "why are they different?" you ask.
"i don't know. could it be two possible outcomes?" hyun-ho guesses.
you contemplate the probability of his reasoning, and it seems probable enough. but if that's the case, then does that mean you have to make a choice? kyung-jun's life for your future? as the realization forms, your heart sinks down into your stomach, leaving behind a hollow ache that you can't ignore.
"it's snowing in my dream. so it must happen sometime during the winter."
"that's really soon."
"i know."
you glance down, curling your fingers into tight fists as you fight back the tears threatening to spill down your cheeks. hyun-ho takes notice of your despair almost immediately, wasting no time in placing a reassuring hand on your shoulder and rubbing it comfortingly, "hey, it's going to be okay. i won't let either scenario happen, okay? let's just enjoy tonight. it may be one of the last times the whole class is together like this."
you exhale shakily, composing yourself until your fingers unfurl and the tears disappear. you turn towards hyun-ho, mustering up a small smile, "yeah. you're right."
na-hee returns, so you stand up and wave goodbye so the two of them are left alone. you venture back into the main part of the house, spotting kyung-jun leaning against the wall by himself. he watches seung-bin and jin-ha play a game with heo-yool, an amused smile twitching his lips when his friends start yelling frantically at each other.
you walk over and settle into the empty space beside him, leaning your head against his chest with a soft sigh. kyung-jun immediately wraps an arm around your shoulders to bring you closer, and he squeezes your upper arm reassuringly, brushing his lips against the top of your head.
around you, the house is filled with the nostalgic feeling of comfort, the emotion coming in different forms. seung-bin and jin-ha's boisterous laughter when they finally score a point in the game. the shrill screams coming from the living room at a particularly scary scene. the lingering smell of food wafting in the air. kyung-jun's warmth pressed against your body.
'just let me hold onto these moments a little longer.' you think quietly to yourself, holding onto this happiness which feels far too fleeting, 'all i ask is for a bit more time.'
Notes:
AAAAHHHHH autumn has come to an end :C it's a bit bittersweet knowing that winter is the final arc and season of their love but i've soooo excited for everything that is to come. i'll be uploading the first chapter of winter sometime this weekend (hopefully. not quite sure yet lol)
Chapter 20: winter
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
(n.) the beginning of the end. the shriveling of a dying flower held preciously in the palm of a hand. a bitter cold that sinks deep into one's skin, burrowing into the root of bone. the effect of an anomaly tampering with the future, and a consequence of an outcome not predetermined by fate.
Notes:
teehee feel free to leave your predictions of what will happen this season!
Chapter 21: seventeen
Notes:
the start of winter!!! aahhhh im so excited for this arc
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
3̵̢̡̩͈͓̊̈́͌̿̚ MONTHS BEFORE THE ACCIDENT.
DECEMBER - F̵̖͚̑Ë̷̠͎̟́̄͋̊B̸̗̥̥͜͝͠R̸̹͉̔̇͘U̵̡̡̍̈́Á̴̧̛̳̓̌R̶̜͖̃Y̶̻̬͊̋͋
ko kyung-jun is annoyed to say the least.
irritation is a familiar feeling. one he wears often, a layer of himself he cannot shed no matter how hard he tries. even when it's not in use, it simmers beneath his skin, prickling the back of his neck and crawling along his spine. it lingers like a shadow looming over his body, threatening to boil over with the right click of a button or a certain shift in the atmosphere.
he feels it when seung-bin and jin-ha talk too loudly in the mornings, their raised volumes causing a headache to form deep within his skull, an uncomfortable sensation he cannot soothe away with his fingers.
he feels it each time he's in the presence of his older brother, who loves to do nothing but tease him relentlessly over every little thing in his life. his relationship. his grades. his hobbies. it's like ki-jung knows exactly what to say to form the scowl on his lips, and where to peel away his defenses until he's vulnerable and exposed.
and kyung-jun feels it most prominently in this particular moment.
you sit across from him, legs folded neatly beneath you, one elbow resting casually on the table. the small piece of furniture separates the both of you, creating the kind of distance kyung-jun doesn't like. one both physical and metaphorical. the kind that he wishes would just vanish each time he blinks his eyes.
winter has officially arrived, and with it, the looming date of final exams. the brief period of calmness after the csat has long since passed, replaced with the same hasty movement that comes with long days of studying. kyung-jun is not a victim of this shift in pace. while he does intend to at least try with his exams, he's not worried over his grades. he knows he'll be just fine as long as he briefly looks over the material before the scheduled tests.
his girlfriend, on the other hand, does not have the same mentality.
it started small at first. spending your lunch time practicing math problems. muttering english words beneath your breath during the bus ride home. kyung-jun didn't mind your occupied state. he found your intense concentration to be rather amusing, if not by the furrow in your brows, then by your pursed lips.
but slowly, your determination to study took a turn in kyung-jun's life, one he couldn't ignore. a shift in a once familiar pattern that turned his amusement into frustration.
because while you became busy with preparing for the upcoming exams, there was barely any time left in your days to spend with him.
kyung-jun never thought he'd be the type of person to seek out someone's attention. to crave a fraction of their focus, even if just for a moment. when his mom died, and his father became emotionally and physically distant, he spent his life chasing his father's consideration. getting into fights, doing poorly in school, smoking cigarettes in alleyways. and when he failed to receive it, he gave up. no one was hardly worth his own time anyways. not anymore.
but when kyung-jun sees you in a room, he wants nothing more than for your eyes to find his own. for you to look at him like you see him, and not like he's just another face in a crowd, a passerby meant to come into your life only briefly until disappearing entirely. he wants you to take him into consideration, to peel back the layers of his defenses and still take his hand despite what you may see.
and you do.
and kyung-jun revels in it. the way you quietly observe him, eyes roaming across every inch of his face, offering him a large smile the longer your attention settles. it's nice to finally be seen. to have someone that'll find him no matter where he ventures in life.
so kyung-jun is annoyed to say the least when you barely acknowledge his presence in the room.
for the past hour, your eyes have remained fixated on the textbook laid flat on the table, switching your focus from the practice problems on the page to your notebook where you work. the room is silent save for the buzz of the heater keeping it warm and the scratch of the pencil dragging across paper, working furiously to complete whatever math equation is soaking up all your time.
and kyung-jun hates it. when he complained about you spending all your time at cram school, you had apologized and invited him over for dinner. the boy was under the impression that you would kill the several hours until then with your usual activities. watching tv. playing video games. maybe even taking a nap. but instead, you'd unpacked nearly everything from your backpack and got to work, causing kyung-jun's annoyance to grow.
by the second hour, kyung-jun's patience runs thin. it hangs by a thread, a shaky leaf threatening to fall from a branch with nothing but a simple breeze. so he does what he does best to garner someone's attention.
mess with them until they have no choice but to look at him.
kyung-jun picks up his own notebook and rips out a page, and once confirming you barely even flinched at the loud sound, starts breaking it off into small sections. he rolls each piece into a ball until a small pile lays in his hand, barely bigger than a pebble.
he picks one up and lazily throws it in your direction.
the first one lands on your paper, and much to kyung-jun's irritation, you simply brush it away and continue working. a scowl pulls at his lips, so kyung-jun tries again, the wad of paper landing in your hair the second time he throws it.
you barely even blink, as if you didn't even notice.
what the hell? how can she act like i'm not even here?'
kyung-jun shifts, leaning back on one hand while he narrows his eyes in concentration. he throws it one last time, and luckily for himself, your body language finally changes.
the piece of paper hits your forehead then lands on your notebook without a sound. a quiet breath is released from your lips, almost like a laugh. you still refuse to look up, but your lips are curled with the ghost of a smile.
"jagiya," you muse gently, "do you need something?"
"when are you going to stop studying? i'm bored here." kyung-jun grumbles, maneuvering his limbs to he's leaning forward and resting his head on his folded arms. his complaints earn him a more prominent laugh.
"when i finish this set of problems."
he frowns, "can't you do that later?"
"exams are really soon. every second counts. you should study, too."
kyung-jun exhales sharply, but his annoyed breath goes unheard. or rather, you simply ignore it.
as you grow silent once more, devoted to your work, kyung-jun occupies himself by watching. he takes notice of the way your hair falls into your eyes, curtaining around your face, and how your fingers delicately tuck the strands behind your ear. how your emotions regarding the material barely affects the molding of your features, but he manages to catch the subtle shifts within the creasing of your eyes and the shape of your lips.
as kyung-jun continues drinking the sight of you in, he's once again reminded of the physical distance between you, a singular table separating you both. something tightens in his stomach at the thought, an uncomfortable tension that feels a little too much like disappointment. he lets out a sigh, long and drawn out, but it doesn't ease the weight pressing down on his chest.
'this fucking sucks.' he thinks bitterly, glaring holes at the table until he's struck with a sudden thought. he glances up, eyeing you carefully, 'should i just mess with her more?'
kyung-jun doesn't contemplate it for more than a second before coming to a decision. he stands up and maneuvers around the table with quiet, careful movements. you don't comment on the way he enters your space like he belongs there, nor do you question him when he presses his chest against your back and wraps his arms around your waist, the warmth of your skin now his own.
instead, you lean back slightly, settling comfortably against his body with a soft sigh. kyung-jun tucks his head into the crook of your shoulder, his lips just barely brushing against the dip in bone and muscle. he's hit with the scent of fruits and something else distinctly you, one that reminds him of the sunny days of his youth.
but you still refuse to stop working.
so kyung-jun tests the limits of your composure. his fingers find the hem of your sweater, curling around the soft fabric before skimming the pads of his thumbs against your stomach. the tentative touch elicits a shiver from your body, more surprised than anything by the unexpected feeling of skin upon skin.
then, he tilts his head to rest his lips against the curve of your neck. kyung-jun presses light kisses along each inch he can reach, doing so with lazy, slow movements. as much as he'd love to sink his teeth into the flesh, a sure way to get your attention, he restrains himself. he learned his lesson last time, especially after you nearly ripped his hair out. he does not want to bear the weight of your wrath at the moment.
instead, kyung-jun presses closer, allowing his hands to wander higher, letting his teeth nip playfully at your earlobe, until you finally crack.
"kyung-jun." you say his name with a warning, the note hidden in the qualities that make up your voice. kyung-jun chuckles, noticing the tight grip you keep around your pencil. he hums absentmindedly as a response, satisfied that he was finally able to make you react the way he wanted you to, "what are you doing?"
"i thought we came here to hangout." he replies, purposely mumbling the words against your skin. another shiver crawls down your spine when his breath touches the surface.
"we are hanging out." you reply, voice surprisingly calm and even despite your bodies reaction.
"doesn't feel like it."
"are you upset?"
kyung-jun pauses, just for a moment, before stubbornly denying the accusation, "no."
you laugh, and he feels the way it tremors through your body, "you totally are."
he scoffs, annoyed by the amused sound reaching his ears. how is it that you pay such little attention to him and yet you're still able to catch him in a lie? "shut up. i'm not."
another laugh slips through your teeth, before it quiets down into an echo. you shift slightly within your current position so your face is angled towards his own, and kyung-jun can see your expression more clearly. a teasing smile rests on your lips, eyes bright with the same emotion. the sight of your amusement forms a warm ache in his chest, like feeling sunlight on one's skin after being in the bitter cold.
you lift up one hand and gently push kyung-jun's hair back. despite himself, the boy's eyes flutter shut beneath the gentle ministrations. your smile widens, and kyung-jun realizes then and there that you know exactly what you're doing to him, and he can't even fight back.
"just let me finish this, and then we can do anything you want."
kyung-jun opens his eyes at your suggestion. the corners of his lips twitch into a smile, and he leans in closer, raising one eyebrow in question, "anything?"
a soft pink settles upon your cheeks when you take notice of the implication in his words and tone. you quickly avert your gaze, "not like that."
kyung-jun leans back, tilting his head and feigning innocence, "i was just thinking we could play games. maybe take a nap. what are you thinking of?"
the flush on your face deepens to a dark red, eyes widening when you realize you've fallen right into his trap. you clear your throat and turn back around, "nothing. now stop being distracting and let me work."
kyung-jun opens his mouth to retort with something clever, a quip that'll surely make your annoyance grow. but before he can allow any words to form, a wad of paper is thrown in his direction, landing in the space between his brows. he scowls at the pleased smile you send his way, but eventually decides to comply with your request rather than start a pointless argument.
he stands up, shuffling over to your bed, falling into the soft cushions, and finally closes his eyes.
when kyung-jun is close to succumbing to slumber, he hears the rustle of clothes and paper filling the silence. shortly after, he hears soft footsteps padding across the floor, then feels the bed dip down beneath the weight of someone settling against the mattress. and finally, a gentle warmth pressed against his back, followed by someone's arms circling around his waist.
kyung-jun turns around so the two of you are facing one another. the moment his eyes settle upon your face, he feels his heart stutter in his chest when he's greeted with your tired smile and the tender way you peer up at him.
"finally done?"
"yeah," you sigh softly, fluttering your eyes shut as you lean forward and bury your face against his chest, "so stop your pouting. it makes my heart hurt."
"maybe if you didn't ignore me..." he trails off, his lingering bitterness coating his words.
you laugh, "you're so cute, you know that?" you tease lightheartedly, making him frown. you press closer, nudging your foot against his ankle and throwing an arm around his waist, palm flat against his back, "don't worry. i'm all yours for the rest of the day."
whatever irritation that remained vanishes the moment he feels your lips brush against his collarbone. it lays dormant in his body, as far away as possible from his mind as he finally gives in. kyung-jun tightens his hold around your frame and closes his eyes.
the silence settles like a warm blanket, laying comfortably around the atmosphere. kyung-jun listens to the gentle rise and fall of your chest, feeling slightly ticklish each time your breaths touch his collarbone. from beyond the window, he hears the rustle of branches and the howl of the wind, the sounds mixing with the creak of the house.
at some point, your hand is removed from his back and lays on his chest instead. he's acutely aware of the way your fingers start fiddling with his shirt, slowly curling around the fabric. kyung-jun opens his eyes, and he notices that your own gaze is open but unfocused, like your mind is spinning with whatever thoughts occupy it.
kyung-jun lifts a hand and brushes the back of his knuckles down your cheek, the gentle touch effective in earning your attention, "what's wrong?"
you blink, lips parting slightly in surprise as you lean back and tilt your head up, "what do you mean?"
"you're thinking about something."
"you can tell?"
"of course i can," he mutters, slightly offended you'd even question it in the first place. he wraps his fingers around your own, successfully stopping the anxious movement. his fingers carefully cradle them against his chest, "you only do this when you're stressed."
you study where your hands are joined, a thoughtful expression befalling your features. a smile eventually curls your lips, soft and tender, "what else have you noticed about me?"
kyung-jun thinks for a moment before responding, "you pick out the carrots in your food."
"they don't taste good."
"you also bite the end of your pencil when you don't know how to solve a problem."
you breathe out a laugh, "you're quite perceptive, aren't you jun?"
he hums, shifting back slightly so he can face you properly, "so? what's on your mind?"
kyung-jun notices your hesitation almost immediately. he sees the way your throat shifts as you swallow hard, words forming in the hollow space and resting on your tongue. how your eyes hold onto something he doesn't quite understand, but he sees it, lingering behind the soft color.
kyung-jun is not a patient person, but he waits for you to arrange your thoughts, to take your burdens, and hand them over to the palm of his hands.
but instead of confiding in him, you smile, shaking your head slightly as you rest your head against his chest once more, "it's nothing. i'm just worried about final exams."
a lump forms in his throat, an uncomfortable feeling that only makes the hurt taking root in his body more prominent.
it's obvious you're lying. kyung-jun knows you too well to miss it, not when it's dangling right in front of him, feeling like a slap to his face. and if it were anyone else, kyung-jun would call them out on their bullshit. he is not a patient person after all.
but he can't bring himself to push. to poke at your defenses until you break. it may hurt him, but whatever is plaguing the thoughts in your mind must hurt even more. and trust is a fickle thing. something that must be given out willingly, not forced. and kyung-jun has given all of his to you.
so ko kyung-jun cradles the back of your head, tucks his chin on the crown of it, and lets it go.
-
"freedom at last!" you cheer the moment you leave the school building.
all around you, similar exclamations of relief fill the buzzling air as students file out the front door and scatter across the grounds. shrieks of laughter and excited yelps ring in your ears as friends and classmates find each other in the chaos of dismissal, the cold air feeling warm as a result of comforting embraces and congratulatory pats on the back.
after three days filled with nothing but tests for each subject, the exam season officially comes to a close, and with it, an exhalation of withheld breaths. somehow, this period of testing felt more intense than your csat exam. perhaps because your heart knows that once it's done and over with, the world will slow down again, and it anxiously anticipates the promise of peace.
"those tests were pretty brutal, weren't they?" yoon-seo laughs, trailing after you with jung-won by her side.
"i'm glad it wasn't just me," you sigh in relief. you slow down your steps so you can settle on jung-won's other side, pressing your shoulders together. you loop your arm around her elbow, squishing the girl between you and your other friend, "what'd you guys think of the math section? it was hard, right?"
"i was having trouble with the word problems," yoon-seo mumbles, her face tense with concentration. she tilts her head towards the middle of your small group, "jung-won, did you feel the same way?"
jung-won hums thoughtfully, "they're tricky at first, but you just have to read carefully and you'll realize they're pretty simple."
for some reason, the creator of the math section loves to incorporate long paragraphs for the word problems. you hate it, because not only does it make your head hurt with how much information is presented on the paper, but it takes forever to filter out what's useful and what isn't. a lot of precious minutes were wasted just by reading alone, minutes you could've spent solving the problem itself.
you squeeze your eyes shut, burning the memory from your mind as you wave your hands frantically in the air, "i don't want to think about it anymore. don't mention that test around me until the scores are out."
yoon-seo and jung-won laugh before agreeing.
yoon-seo takes out her phone, scrolling through the device for several seconds before lifting up her head, "hey, the others are asking if we want to go out to eat to celebrate."
"really? with who? and where?" you ask eagerly, lured in by the prospect of food.
she hums, glancing down to check the details, "hyun-ho, dong-hyun, na-hee and jun-hee. they're suggesting a barbeque."
you gasp, squeezing jung-won's arm excitedly, "say yes say yes!" it's been forever since you've gone out to eat with your friends, and the scent of grilled meat conjured in your mind makes your mouth water.
"you in jung-won?" yoon-seo asks.
said girl tips her head slightly in acknowledgment, "sure. it sounds like fun."
"okay, i'll let them know."
as yoon-seo types away on her device, you're struck with a sudden thought. you swiftly garner the girls attention once more, "oh, is it alright if i invite kyung-jun?"
she blinks owlishly in your direction before smiling, "i don't mind."
you both then settle your eyes on jung-won, who simply shrugs, "go for it. he'll throw a fit if he has to spend another second away from you after all."
her comment makes you laugh, because technically she isn't wrong.
you reach into your pocket and take out your phone, swiftly pulling up your messages with your boyfriend.
jun <3
you: jagiyaaaaaa
ko kyung-jun: ?
you: our friends want to get bbq to celebrate the end of exams
you: come with us
ko kyung-jun: what time
you: like
you: now
ko kyung-jun: okay
ko kyung-jun: are you still at school?
you: we're about to walk past the front gates
ko kyung-jun: stay there. i'll come find you
a smile stretches across your face as you turn off the device and place it back into your pocket. when you shift your attention back to your friends, they smile knowingly, almost teasingly, and you can hear the echo of the words they want to say about your current lovesick state. your cheeks warm in embarrassment, eyes quickly turning towards the ground as you clear your throat and mutter a threat that makes them remain quiet.
just as promised, kyung-jun meets up with you at the front gate, and after exchanging pleasantries with your two friends, the four of you begin walking to the destination jun-hee sent to yoon-seo.
the two girls walk slightly ahead while you and kyung-jun trail behind them, fingers laced together and each step synchronized into one. the sky is covered in gray clouds, making the day appear darker than it actually is. every so often, a gust of wind will blow across your face, leaving behind a harsh sting on your cheeks. you adjust the scarf around your neck to capture any remaining warmth in this frigid cold.
when the restaurant comes into view, the remainder of your group stands outside the doors. jun-hee and na-hee sit on a bench while dong-hyun and hyun-ho stand beside them. the moment they spot you, they wave their arms in greeting.
"over here!" dong-hyun calls out, his smile impossibly wide as he bounces slightly on his feet.
"dong-hyun!!" you call out, releasing kyung-jun's hand and rushing forward to pull him into a quick hug, "reunited at last."
"thank god for that. hyun-ho is so mean to me these days." dong-hyun complains the moment you pull away, his comment earning him an amused chuckle from his friend.
"you're such a baby."
"you see?" he pouts, pointing a finger at the boy in an accusatory manner.
"yah, stop being mean to my favorite drummer." you scold, and this time, hyun-ho is the one to frown.
"how come you don't greet me like that anymore?"
instead of responding, you pinch the delicate flesh near his elbow. hyun-ho yelps at the unexpected pain, jumping back a step. he sends you a sharp glare, one you ignore as you turn towards jun-hee and na-hee, "sorry we're a little late."
"no worries. we're still waiting on the table," jun-hee reassures with a soft smile. he glances down at his phone, then stands up from the bench, "actually, i need to go check on it. yoon-seo, come with me?"
the girl blinks in surprise before nodding her head, "sure!"
jun-hee opens the door and gestures the girl inside. she thanks him with rosy cheeks, and the couple disappears not long after the bell above the door rings.
you swiftly take jun-hee's seat, pulling the girl beside you into a warm embrace, "na-hee, my favorite pianist. the boys aren't causing you too much trouble, are they?"
she shakes her head with a smile, "not at all. hyun-ho was just telling me about his practices."
"oh?" you turn towards the boy, "you guys started up again?"
"we're preparing for the spring season." hyun-ho explains.
you hum thoughtfully, "that's also when you find out if you can join the national team right?"
"yup!" dong-hyun wraps an arm around hyun-ho's shoulder and ruffles his hair playfully, "pretty soon the name jang hyun-ho will be known everywhere!"
hyun-ho shakes him off with a laugh, going for the humble route of brushing off his compliment with a smile. but it's obvious that he revels in the idea of becoming a prominent figure in his career. even if he already knows the outcome of his future, hyun-ho takes pride in it, and that confidence is apparent in the sure way he carries himself when he straightens.
it doesn't take long for jun-hee to stick his head out the door and wave you all inside, "hey guys, our table ready."
"let's go!" dong-hyun cheers, leading the way inside.
the restaurant is packed with families, couples and friends alike, all gathered around tables and booths filled with an abundance of food. the air is thick with the scent of smoke and cooked meat, the smell of it making your stomach grumble slightly. the space buzzes with activity as people shout and chatter amongst themselves, servers rushing past with plates and drinks in hand.
you're seated in a table near the center of the restaurant. it holds two grills on both ends of the furniture and eight sets of chopsticks and plates. you, kyung-jun, yoon-seo and jun-hee sit on one side while the rest of your group sits on the other.
once your drink orders have been fulfilled, jun-hee takes the lead in requesting different cuts of beef, pork and chicken for the whole group to share, along with some side dishes to eat alongside the main courses. when the plates arrive and every inch of the table is filled with food, he's also in charge of cooking the meat on his side of the table, while dong-hyun does so for your side with hyun-ho helping every so often.
the familiar sound of your friends voices blend together, filling the air with a nostalgic sort of feeling. the whistle of yoon-seo's gentle flute as she guides the conversation. the delicate strings of hyun-ho and jun-hee's laughter. the blare of a trumpet when dong-hyun scolds his friend for flipping the meat over too early. jung-won's soft and steady oboe as she instructs jun-hee to cut up the pieces. the chorus of na-hee's music notes as she hums in response to a question. and of course, the rumble of a drum as kyung-jun joins in the chatter.
when the first round of food is ready, everyone eagerly reaches for their servings. kyung-jun picks up a pile of brisket with his chopsticks and places it on your plate before doing the same for his own dish. he also grabs a strip of pork belly, which he cuts up into little pieces for you to consume.
dong-hyun watches the exchange in disbelief, unable to fathom the idea that the infamous ko kyung-jun is capable of selfless acts. he leans towards hyun-ho, lowering his voice slightly, "i don't think i'll ever get used to this."
"me too." hyun-ho agrees, grimacing slightly as he also takes in the scene before him.
"who do you think seduced who?"
"hard to tell."
"it had to be kyung-jun, right?"
"probably. when do you think it happened?"
"we can hear you you know." kyung-jun's voice cuts through their conversation, laced with a blend of irritation and slight amusement.
both boys straighten immediately, a flash of guilt crawling along dong-hyun's expression. but hyun-ho narrows his eyes suspiciously, glancing between you and your boyfriend, "no, seriously. who asked who out?"
"uhm, it was sort of a mutual decision?" you say uncertainly. it's not like the words were said explicitly. after the kiss at the playground, it became obvious that your relationship was no longer that of friends. a shift had occurred that you both noticed and agreed upon silently.
"someone had to confess first." dong-hyun insists, not giving up on the question.
you sigh, finally giving into their curiosity since you knew they wouldn't let it go, "it was me."
hyun-ho blinks in surprise, caught off guard by the answer. he glances between the two of you once more, the detail now accompanying his consideration. seconds pass, before the boy sputters out a laugh, "no way. kyung-jun, you seriously had her make the first move?"
"shut the hell up." kyung-jun snaps, flicking a piece of rice in his direction.
"i mean, i just assumed you're the type of guy to go after what he wants."
kyung-jun throws another piece of rice at him, which hyun-ho throws back in return. this goes on for several moments as hyun-ho's taunting continues, which only further agitates kyung-jun.
"yah, stop teasing him. you're no better." you scold, shooting your friend a sharp, knowing look.
he frowns, "what's that supposed to mean?"
rather than respond, you stick your tongue out at him, laughing when his frown deepens.
"yah!"
"can you guys please stop bickering and just eat? the food is getting cold." jun-hee sighs, growing tired of your childish behavior.
all three of you clamp your mouths shut, stiffly shoving bites of food and chewing silently on the contents. you send hyun-ho one last triumphant look before turning towards kyung-jun, who seems pleased by the whole exchange.
by the time dinner ends and you exit the restaurant, your bellies are full and your hearts are warm. the air outside is colder than before now that night has come, making everyone shiver the moment they step through the door. each time you exhale, a cloud slips past your lips, curling through the air like smoke.
dong-hyun, hyun-ho, na-hee and jung-won leave together since their houses are in the same direction, while yoon-seo and jun-hee walk down the street as a pair. hugs are exchanged and goodbyes are uttered, and you watch fondly as each of your friends disappear down their respective paths.
you turn towards kyung-jun, who rubs his hands together to create enough friction for warmth. he cups his palms around his face and blows, his own cloud of air curling around his flushed cheeks.
"hm? where's your scarf?" you ask, noticing that his jacket doesn't sit high enough to cover his neck and face, leaving it exposed to the cold temperatures.
"left it at home." kyung-jun states simply, continuing his motions.
"one moment," you slip off your backpack and press it against your chest, rummaging through the contents in search of a particular object. your fingers brush against something soft, and you brighten as you pull it out and hold it proudly in the air, "i brought a spare."
once you pull your bag back over your shoulders, you take a step closer to kyung-jun and loop the scarf around his neck and shoulders. your actions are careful and deliberate as you adjust the wool fabric so it covers his neck and his chin, making sure there are no spots exposed to the bitter wind.
as you're doing so, you're acutely aware of kyung-jun's eyes following your every movement. from the corner of your vision, you notice the gentle crease of his eyes, his features smoothing out the longer he drinks you in. when you finish and flick your eyes up to meet his own, your breath catches in your throat at the softness that reflects in them, something that feels so similar to love you wonder if it must be a mistake.
but then kyung-jun leans forward and presses his lips against your own, and any doubts you had vanish as you close your eyes and respond in turn.
because how can it not be love when he pours it out for you so generously, and you're able to drink in the sweet taste of it?
as you walk home that night, side by side, the world feels just right. time doesn't feel too fast or too slow. the cold is bearable with his hand clasped in your own. and the touch of his kiss lingers on your lips, tingling with the aftertaste of it all.
when you turn the corner, a flurry of movement catches your attention, making you abruptly stop. kyung-jun sends you a questioning look, one you return with a bright smile as you eagerly point a couple feet down the road.
"jun, look! it's a cat."
kyung-jun follows where your finger leads, which lands on a small tabby with gray fur and big brown eyes. it sits perched near the wall, peering up at you with curious eyes. unable to help yourself, you let go of kyung-jun's hand and cautiously step over until you stand right in front of it.
when the feline doesn't move, you crouch down, offering your hand. it leans it's head forward and sniffs your fingers, it's nose and whiskers tickling your skin. then, it flops down onto the ground and exposes its belly, which you take as a clear sign to run your hand down in gentle motions.
"aren't you a cutie? jun, come here." you call out to your boyfriend, continuing to brush your fingers through the cat's soft fur. when he doesn't join you, you lift up your head to look at him, noticing that he has his phone pulled out and the camera facing your direction. you blink, "did you just take of photo of me?"
kyung-jun smirks, holding up the device and showing off a photo of you petting the cat, "it's cute."
your eyes widen in horror at the sight, "i look terrible. delete it!"
when kyung-jun refuses, you shoot to your feet and rush forward. your hands desperately reach for the phone, but kyung-jun simply laughs and holds it high above his head. you huff, jumping up to snatch it from his hands, but you're unsuccessful in all your attempts. switching tactics, you grip the sleeve of his jacket and balance on your toes, straining your muscles, only to brush against his fingers rather than the device.
still staying in your position, you shift your eyes to your boyfriend, who continues smiling playfully in your direction, not an ounce of remorse on his features. you start thinking of other ways you can retrieve the phone. perhaps an ultimatum? or would begging work? no, he'd find that way too entertaining. you'd rather not provide more fuel to the fire.
when another amused chuckles shakes his chest your eyes land on his lips, which are curled into his signature grin. an idea forms in your head, a sprout that grows larger and larger the longer you give it your attention. slowly, your own mischievous grin settles upon your lips, and kyung-jun only has a moment to take in the sight before you're leaning forward and stealing a quick kiss.
he blinks, completely caught off guard by the action, and it's all you need as his fingers slacken slightly and his arm lowers along with it. you jump once more and pull it away from his hands, not giving the boy a chance to react as you take off running down the street.
you hear kyung-jun's curse from behind you, which is quickly followed by the pounding of his footsteps against the concrete. you pump your legs faster, feeling the wind nip at your cheeks and howl in your ears. your fingers grip the phone tighter, the rush of the moment making your heart beat frantically inside your chest.
you realize the moment you've been caught as soon as you hear kyung-jun's ragged breathing from behind you. still, his arms circling around your waist and picking you up from the ground is unexpected.
you scream, the sound quickly blending into breathless laughter as your legs flail uselessly in the air. you beg him to put you down, even offering to allow the photo to remain in his storage. but kyung-jun just laughs, spinning you around until you're dizzy from the feeling and your stomach hurts from all the giggles pulled from your chest.
then, kyung-jun starts dashing down the street, and your surprised screams echo across the space and chilly night as you hold onto his body and never let go.
Notes:
HEHEHEH SO FLUFFY RIGHT RIGHT enjoy it while it lasts (threat) anyways i'm excited and nervous to write the next chapter. i've left hints as to what will happen, so if you're able to guess ill give you a gold start. i'll be back next week with two more chapters (hopefully) LOVE YOU GUYS MWAH.
Chapter 22: eighteen
Notes:
yeah so uhm that content warning is real LOL but its sooooo vague like if you blink you'll miss what's happening. anyways hope ya'll enjoy hehe
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
CONTENT WARNING: VAGUE DESCRIPTIONS OF SEXUAL CONTENT.
3̵̢̡̩͈͓̊̈́͌̿̚ MONTHS BEFORE THE ACCIDENT.
DECEMBER -
F̵̖͚̑Ë̷̠͎̟́̄͋̊B̸̗̥̥͜͝͠R̸̹͉̔̇͘U̵̡̡̍̈́Á̴̧̛̳̓̌R̶̜͖̃Y̶̻̬͊̋͋
jagiya
kyung-jun: hey i'm coming over
you: i'm not home right now :C
you: mom has me running errands
you: i've been at it all day crying face
kyung-jun: i can help
you: nah don't worry about it
you: it's superrrrr boring
you: you'd hate it
kyung-jun: i don't care
kyung-jun: can't i just come see you?
you: ah my heart just skipped a beat
you: as much as i'd love to see my darling boyfriend
you: i am unable to abandon my duties sigh
you: but we'll see each other tomorrow, okay?
kyung-jun: not even for a little?
you: afraid not :C
you: i'm sorry jagiyaaa
you: i'll make it up to you i promise
a frown pulls at the corners of ko kyung-jun's lips, settling there as the weight of your words sink in. he exhales sharply and throws his phone onto the bed, slumping into the mattress shortly after the frustrated action. he blinks up at the ceiling, and as the silence envelops him, a cruel reminder that he remains alone in the room, an uncomfortable feeling presses down against his chest.
'she didn't even say happy birthday.'
the bitter thought squeezes his lungs, pulling all the air from his body. it's like someone reached in, cracked apart his ribs and wrapped a tight fist around the organs. kyung-jun breathes shakily, but it doesn't ease pain. it doesn't get rid of the tension. if anything, it only makes it more prominent, something he cannot ignore no matter how hard he tries to push the thought away.
kyung-jun doesn't understand why he feels so disappointed over it. why the bitterness lingers on his tongue, leaving behind a bad aftertaste. why his heart hurts in a way he cannot explain, a parasite taking root in his body and rotting every inch it touches. why a lump forms in his throat, lodged so tightly it never passes no matter how hard or thickly he swallows.
ko kyung-jun never made a big deal about his birthday. at least, not since his mom passed away. she was the one who arranged everything after all, and she was always considerate of every single detail regarding the celebration. like the fact that kyung-jun didn't like chocolate. you could even say he despised it, for one time as a kid, he ate so much of it he grew sick of the taste. so instead, she would purchase a vanilla cake from his favorite bakery and hide his favorite fruit inside the layers, along with extra frosting for him to lick off.
the first birthday spent without her only made her absence more prominent, because kyung-jun realized that the coveted celebration he once cherished was simply another day of the year. it was his mom that made it special, and with her gone, it meant nothing. when he woke up to an empty home with no cake and no neatly wrapped box, the space she once took up in the world only solidified his resentment of the holiday.
he thought it'd be different this year. for the first time in a long time, he had someone he wanted to spend the day with. the presence of a girl he aches for. who makes him feel relieved that he exists in a world with her in it. one that makes him feel lucky to be seen, the qualities of his character exposed from his carefully crafted defenses, but she never grimaces at the sight, never recoils in fear or disgust.
she regards each part of him with something tender, something he thinks must be love.
the door cracks open, the hinges squeaking in protest at the action. kyung-jun lazily lifts himself up, his current annoyance growing when he's greeted by his older brother at the door. he wears his usual teasing grin and mischievous eyes, dressed in a sweater vest and dark dress pants. as he leans against the doorframe, he balances a neatly wrapped box under his arm.
kyung-jun doesn't know whether he should be confused or angry by his sudden appearance.
'seriously, why does he barge in like he still lives here?'
"hey little brother. catch." ki-jung tosses the box into the air, leaving kyung-jun no choice but to catch it before it hits him in the face. when it lands against his chest, it's surprisingly light, but something rustles within. a clattering of multiple objects sliding against whatever empty space is left.
kyung-jun frowns, inspecting the present almost suspiciously, "what the hell is this?"
"your birthday present. congrats on turning eighteen." ki-jung replies.
kyung-jun glances up for a brief moment, narrowing his eyes as he inspects his brother more carefully. ki-jung has never gotten him a present before. the most he's ever given him was a poorly drawn birthday card when he turned five.
that in itself causes an alarm to ring in his head. he also can't shake off the unrelenting feeling that something feels off about this. not just because of the expectant look on his face, the barely concealed excitement in his eyes, but when he spoke, the edges of his tone carried a note he's all too familiar with.
playfulness.
kyung-jun looks back down at the gift, hesitating to rip it open. there could be a variety of things inside. a bug. something stupid like paperclips. maybe even food. he shakes the box again, pressing his ear against the side. the crinkling of plastic tickles the shell, but even with that newfound detail, kyung-jun is stumped.
'whatever.' even if it is a prank, kyung-jun's curiosity gets the best of him.
tentatively, he places the box down on his lap and slowly removes the lid.
the moment he peers inside, his fingers make quick work of snapping the lid back shut. ki-jung's cackling laughter fills the air as an unbearable heat flushes his skin, spreading across his face, his ears, and down his neck.
"why the fuck would you give me this?" he yells, trying to vanquish the image now burned into his mind. he hastily places the box down on his nightstand and reaches for a pillow, chucking the object at his brother's head.
ki-jung catches it easily and hugs it against his chest, which annoys kyung-jun greatly. he scans his room, searching for a different object to throw. 'definitely something heavier. and smaller. does he still have that toy gun laying around somewhere?'
as he's contemplating his next move, his brother's boisterous laughter simmers down into several quiet, amused chuckles, "you should be thanking me. i saved you the embarrassment of buying them yourself."
the reminder of what lays inside makes kyung-jun groan. he dramatically falls back onto the bed and reaches for his one remaining pillow, using it to cover his face, "i hate you." he declares, the words coming out muffled as he presses it more firmly against his mouth.
ki-jung releases another laugh, the sound followed by his soft footsteps crossing the room.
he shoves kyung-jun lightly on the shoulder, "come on, get changed. we're going out."
kyung-jun rolls over onto his side so his back faces his sibling, a clear indication that he'd rather do anything but comply, "no thanks." he mutters sharply, even going as far as to close his eyes and burrow beneath the covers.
"are you sulking? what, did your girlfriend not say anything yet?" ki-jung teases.
your earlier words cause a sharp sensation to spread across his chest, like a knife jabbed repeatedly through his skin. and ki-jung is the one twisting the weapon.
instead of responding, he lifts up a hand and flips him off.
despite kyung-jun's rude gesture, ki-jung continues, "i'm sure she has a good reason."
"don't act like you know everything." kyung-jun snaps back, the bitterness from earlier returning in full force, but for an entirely different reason.
he hates it when his brother does this. pry into his life like he never left, acting as if he cares when kyung-jun knows the truth. that all of this, the pestering, the conversations, his presence in an abandoned house, it's because he feels bad. not because he wants to spend time with him, not because he loves him, but because he's trying to make up for all the years he left him alone.
and what kyung-jun hates the most is how quickly his heart is starting to accept it. how comfortable it grows in an unfamiliar scene. he can claim that he doesn't need him. that he can take care of himself. he's been capable of doing so for the past several years after all.
but the more ki-jung settles into his space, his path merging into his life, kyung-jun is unable to reject it with the same ferocity as before. as if his inner child yearns for his older brother in a way he would never admit.
kyung-jun's eyes snap open the moment he hears the click of a camera shutter fluttering close. he hastily sits up, blinking in disbelief at the sight of his brother's phone held up and pointed in his direction.
"did you just-"
"i'll delete it when you get dressed and meet me in the car. deal?"
kyung-jun scowls, grimacing slightly at the mere thought, "fuck no."
ki-jung shrugs, like it's kyung-jun's loss, not his. he swiftly pockets his phone and slips out of the room, and once again, kyung-jun blinks in disbelief at the entire situation. a laugh carrying the same connotation slips from his teeth, followed by the steady rise of his frustration.
"yah! ko ki-jung!"
-
in the end, kyung-jun had no choice but to give in to his brother's wishes.
after swallowing his pride and reluctantly getting dressed, he found himself being brought to all his favorite places in the city. the internet cafe he frequents with seung-bin and jin-ha. the video game store right next to it, where ki-jung buys him a proper present. the ice cream shop his mom used to take him and his brother to on hot summer days. the weather is too cold for the treat, but kyung-jun eats it anyways, tasting the nostalgic feeling of his youth each time he licks the vanilla cone.
despite his initial objections, kyung-jun found some semblance of joy within the quiet evening. it was awkward, of course, considering he and his brother didn't have the kind of relationship where they hung out somewhere other than the house, but he couldn't say it was unbearable.
whatever smart remarks he shot at his brother were met with an equally witty quip, so much so kyung-jun began to wonder if he got his sharp tongue from his older sibling. at some points in the conversation, he even found himself smiling, and all the bitterness contained within his body didn't feel so prominent anymore.
when the car pulls to a stop in front of his house several hours later, kyung-jun unbuckles his seatbelt and lays his hand on the handle. but before he can pull it open, his brother's voice, soft and expectant, halts his movements.
"kyung-jun."
he freezes, because the way the syllables are formed, the sound they make in the air, carries a weight that kyung-jun isn't ready to carry nor face. he considers ignoring his brother's plea, doing what he does best - run away from his problems.
but if not now, then when? how long will kyung-jun continue to run? until the path reaches a dead end and he can't anymore? until his breathing is so labored he's left with no choice but to stop?
the boy sighs, then turns in his seat to give him an exasperated look, "what?"
for a brief moment, ki-jung looks surprised that kyung-jun is giving him the time of day. that he'd consider whatever it was he so desperately needed to say. and his brother must know how rare a moment like this is, so he continues on with a barely audible murmur, "i'm sorry."
kyung-jun swallows hard, forcing down the jagged glass cutting the inside of his throat. his fingers flex against his lap and the latch on the door, the only way he's able to release the tension in his body, "for what?"
ki-jung chuckles, a hollow sound that feels wrong in the air. his brother's laughter has always been one filled with emotion. amusement. joy. everything in between. to produce the same noise without the qualities of his nature doesn't feel like ki-jung at all.
"for everything. i know it doesn't mean much, but i truly am," ki-jung breathes in shakily, his fingers tapping anxiously against the steering wheel as he glances out the window. it takes several long seconds of suffocating silence for him to find whatever words he was searching for in his mind, "things changed when mom died. dad changed. even me. and i know it's not an excuse for abandoning you when you needed us the most, but i want to acknowledge it."
kyung-jun clenches his jaw, biting the inside of his cheek. each word cut through his skin in a way he can't avoid, sinking beneath flesh and muscle, striking bone. when he finally finds the ability to speak, his bitterness and pain thickly coats his voice, "it's whatever. i don't even care anymore."
"you and i both know that's not true."
"what does it matter?"
ki-jung sighs at his response. the silence envelops them once more, everything unspoken hanging in the air, screaming to be heard. kyung-jun spares another glance at his brother and takes in the way his eyes are creased with something soft, the same shape his own make. and there, reflecting in the dark undertones, is the one emotion that makes his resolve crack.
sincerity. a form of hope.
ko kyung-jun thinks of his mother then. what would she think if she saw her sons now? how their bond, once so close, broke the moment she wasn't there to keep them tethered together.
kyung-jun can imagine her response. a light scolding, more in the form of a lecture, that makes the two young boys hang their heads in shame and shuffle their feet in guilt. shortly after, she'd crouch down to meet them face to face, taking on a gentler tone as she reminded them of their status as family, the sort of relationship not so easily destroyed. and finally, forcing the two of them to share an embrace, not allowing them to let go until the moment starts to feel silly, and whatever argument that transpired between the two feels insignificant amongst their giggles.
"i want to be in your life again, kyung-jun. you might think it's too late, and that's fine, but i just need you to know that i want to make an effort. if you'll let me," ki-jung smiles then, a crooked quirk of his mouth that makes him look younger, the exact image of himself kyung-jun still recalls when the distance between them wasn't so large, "you're my little brother, you know?"
at first, kyung-jun's defensive nature urges him to refuse. it screams in his mind, shouting its negativity in a way that demands to be heard. and his trust, the one thing he guards so fervently, curls within a corner at the idea of being given away.
"ki-jung, kyung-jun, you know what makes siblings so great? it means you'll always have someone to rely on. someone to stand by your side in every point of your life. so take care of each other, okay? don't let something petty come between you two, otherwise it'll make mom sad."
his mother's voice and ki-jung's genuineness is what makes kyung-jun's resolve crumble. the walls don't come down completely. they are not destroyed forcibly. kyung-jun let's himself waver, and although it's not much, it's a start.
"we can try." he finally mumbles, and when he exhales, it feels like a weight has been lifted from his shoulders.
the smile that stretches across ki-jung's face is a mix between relief and joy, "that's all i'll ask for," he then nods his head towards the house, a knowing look barely concealed behind the expression, "now go on, have fun."
kyung-jun doesn't register the odd structure of the sentence until he enters the building. it hits him as he's climbing the stairs, causing him to pause briefly as he contemplates whether or not it was a mistake. he furrows his eyebrows, lips set into a deep frown, but once he's unable to come up with an explanation as to why it bothers him, he continues.
kyung-jun enters the hallway and shuffles mindlessly to his room, the creak of the floorboards sounding much louder in the silence that settles in the atmosphere. he reaches the door, turns the doorknob, and pushes it open.
the moment kyung-jun flicks on the switch and the warm yellow light engulfs the space, he has to blink several times to ensure that the scene before him is real, and not a trick of his mind.
above the doorway, little paper stars are strung across, paired with shimmering streamers that brush against the top of his head. the room itself is littered with green balloons, all variations of the same three shades floating around aimlessly on the floor and ceiling.
and there, standing in the center of the room holding a small cake, is his girlfriend.
"happy birthday to you. happy birthday to you," you begin, your sweet voice filling the silence as you slowly walk over to him.
there are a handful of candles sticking out from the top of the cake, eighteen if he had to guess, and each one is lit up with a small flickering flame that dances across your eyes. you carefully balance one hand beneath the tray the small pastry sits on while the other hovers over the feeble fire, preventing any wind from extinguishing the light.
"happy birthday to kyung-jun," you drag out the sound of his name, curling your lips into a playful grin when you catch the sound of his brief chuckle. you finally stop in front of him, finishing the rest of the song with a gentle, breathless whisper, "happy birthday to you."
kyung-jun glances between your eager expression and the cake in your possession, the sight of both things at once forming a warm ache in his chest. and alongside that, relief, because the doubts he contained earlier in the day no longer held true.
"you remembered." he finds himself mumbling out loud, blinking slowly as he stares at the cake and balloons. he still feels a little dumbfounded over the entire situation, but he's slowly putting the pieces together in his mind.
"what, you think i'd forget my favorite person's birthday?" you ask, feigning offense.
he ignores your question, asking one of his own that blurs the lines of his reality, "how'd you even get in here?"
"ki-jung let me in."
he sighs, "of course he was involved in this."
"i heard it was a hassle trying to get you to leave the house. i heard some sulking was involved?"
the boy shoots you a glare, his lips pulling down into a frown, "and whose fault was that?"
the teasing glint in your eyes vanishes, replaced by something gentler, "i know, i'm sorry. i just wanted to make this day special for you. forgive me?"
your lips form into a pout, eyes wide and pleading as you blink up at him. kyung-jun feels himself grow weak at the sight, unable to help the way his resolve wavers the longer he's held beneath your apologetic gaze.
he releases a breath, and when the small smile replaces his frown, you grin at him triumphantly, "only 'cause you brought cake." he says, even if you both know that's not the reason for his defeat.
"vanilla with strawberries," you announce proudly, holding it up so the dessert sits right below his chin, "now, blow out the candles and make a wish. and make sure it counts."
kyung-jun pretends to think for a moment, humming thoughtfully to himself. he fixes his attention from the cake to your face, and the moment he sees the way the flames dance in your eyes, how the golden glow of the fire paints your skin, the beautiful curl of your lips, kyung-jun doesn't think there's anything else in the world he could want more than this.
he gets it now, what you meant that day when you said it was him you heard within the rhythm of your heart. he hears it now the longer he drinks the sight of you in. as his heart pounds, it vibrates in his chest, not unlike the pluck of a violin. and while it is impossibly loud, felt even in his ears, there's a gentle note to the way it moves.
a love song.
isn't that funny? you went on about it for so long, and he thought it was a ridiculous notion at the time. but now he hears it, that sweet melody you insisted exists, and he feels it, too. and it only solidifies a fact his heart knew long before it was acknowledged.
'i'm in love with this girl.'
and rather than deny it, rather than be afraid of the prospect of becoming weak beneath someone else's control, kyung-jun can do nothing but embrace it.
he flutters his eyes close, murmuring a singular wish quietly within his mind, and blows out the candles.
-
when you return from the kitchen, you find kyung-jun sitting on his bed with his back resting on the headboard. he glances up upon your arrival, the corners of his mouth twitching up into a small grin. you respond with one of your own, before drifting your eyes towards a neatly wrapped gift box on his nightstand.
the plastic covering is a dark green that shimmers in the light, finished off with a large silver bow. the object itself is barely larger than a jewelry box, but your curiosity is piqued, especially when you catch sight of the nametag attached to the bow.
"oh? is that from ki-jung? what'd he get you?" you direct your footsteps to the nightstand with the intention of setting down the plates in your hands in exchange for the box. but your plan is interrupted the moment kyung-jun scrambles from the bed and cuts in front of you.
he opens his drawer and shoves the box inside, then slams it shut with a little more force than necessary. the furniture rattles slightly, causing you to frown.
"nothing." he mutters quickly, keeping his eyes trained on the floor. then, just barely, his ears start to turn red.
"hm? what's with the weird reaction? now i'm curious."
"it's stupid."
you narrow your eyes suspiciously, inspecting him more carefully. kyung-jun clears his throat, shifting on his feet, and even then, he refuses to meet your questioning gaze. if it weren't so endearing, you'd have pestered him about it more, maybe even snuck a peek without him knowing. but it's his birthday after all, so you decide to save him the embarrassment.
you shrug, "if you say so."
you move towards the bed, being cautious in your movements to prevent either of the plates from spilling its contents. you settle back against the headboard, and it doesn't take long for kyung-jun to join you.
you hand him his share of the pastry, to which he takes with tentative hands. a fork lays next to the slice that he wastes no time in picking up, using the utensil to break off a piece so he can take a bite.
you laugh when kyung-jun's face softens the moment the flavors hit his tongue, a pleased expression overcoming his features as he chews slowly. you copy his actions, releasing an appreciative hum when the sugary vanilla blends with sweet strawberries.
"how'd you know i like strawberries in my cake?" kyung-jun questions suddenly.
"i saw it in the photo album," you reply, giggling to yourself when you recall the exact image you stumbled upon that gave you the idea of surprising him for his birthday, "your face was covered in it. you were quite the messy eater."
kyung-jun scoffs, "i was three."
instead of responding, you shove another piece of cake into your mouth, this time with a handful of frosting. the baker used buttercream to surround the dessert, an off white color that compliments the pale yellow of the vanilla cake. the rich, creamy flavor lingers on your tongue as you swallow it down.
kyung-jun's annoyed expression shifts the moment his eyes settle on a different point on your face. it transforms into something akin to amusement, a gleam in his eyes that screams trouble.
before you can question whatever motives are running in his mind, kyung-jun leans forward, his nose inches from your own when he eventually pauses. you blink, heart pounding inside your chest as you feel the warmth of his proximity. you part your mouth to stammer out a response, but your body is unable to produce any words, not when your boyfriends eyes glance down towards your lips.
you squeeze your eyes shut the moment he shifts, anticipating the eventual press of his lips against your own. but the feeling never comes. instead, you feel his thumb swipe against the corner of your mouth, slowly and delicately, a deliberate motion. the touch of his skin sends a shiver down your spine, breath catching in your throat.
you slowly peek your eyes open, watching as kyung-jun grins at you while leaning back. a dab of frosting now sits on the pad of his thumb, transferred from your face to his hand. at first, you think the boy will wipe it away with one of the napkins you brought up from the kitchen.
but of course, kyung-jun takes any opportunity he can to mess with you.
while keeping eye contact, he opens his mouth, presses his thumb against his tongue, and licks it off.
your face burns at the action, both mortified and embarrassed. kyung-jun laughs at your reaction, and you hate the fact that you instinctively gave him exactly what he was looking for. you huff, quickly glancing away as you aggressively stab the cake with your fork.
"tease." you grumble, which only increases the laughs leaving his throat.
the rest of the evening is spent in the comforting presence of each other. once the cake has been efficiently devoured, you occupy yourselves with various activities within the room. playing the new video game kyung-jun received as a gift from his brother. eating the seaweed soup you cooked at the kitchen table. watching him open the present you purchased for him. laying comfortably on the bed, watching the scenery outside the window.
enormous gray clouds cover every expanse of the sky, creating a dark, gloomy effect. the lack of sunshine makes the air colder, forcing you to press your body closer to kyung-jun as you bury yourself beneath the covers. at some point during the day, the pitter patter of rain began tapping against the glass, gently at first, before landing on the surface so hard it rattled the structure of the house.
"it doesn't look like it'll let up any time soon." you mumble, listening to the roar of the rain crashing against the world.
"probably not." kyung-jun responds.
"you think it'll snow?"
"maybe. it might be dangerous going home in this weather."
you grin, angling your head to stare at him directly, "what are you suggesting kyung-jun? that i stay the night?"
he shrugs, "you said it, not me." he replies, feigning indifference, but you manage to catch the teasing lilt in his tone and the smile threatening to crawl upon his lips.
"how would your dad feel about that?"
"he's away on a business trip."
"oh? how convenient for you."
"just a suggestion."
you laugh, before resting your head against his chest once more, "let's see if the weather gets any worse before we get excited, hm?"
kyung-jun hums lightly in response, his muscles growing lax as he pulls you closer. time stretches lazily as evening turns into night, the hours passing by in the blink of an eye. when you awaken, kyung-jun's fingers are gently running through your hair, his attention fixated quietly upon your face. you give him a sleepy smile, before turning your head and studying the weather outside.
the sky is darker now, the sun finally taking its rest. the rain comes down harder, a harsh wind now accompanying the storm. as the whistle of it howls through the night, you hear the rustle of leaves and the shaking of metal gates. and every so often, you hear the rumble of thunder and a flash of lighting striking the ground.
"considering it now?" kyung-jun muses, his cocky tone causing you to shoot him a sharp, warning look.
"zip it."
kyung-jun's grin widens, "i'd start calling your mom."
"if you want me to sleepover so bad then you call her."
"okay." he sits up, reaching for his phone on the nightstand. when you realize he took your words seriously, you hastily snatch it from his hands.
"that was a joke!"
his unrestrained laughter makes you want to both kiss and strangle him. you decide for neither as you get up and grab your own phone, sending him another glare before opening the door and exiting the room.
you don't go far. just a couple steps down the hall to the landing at the foot of the staircase. you sit down on the steps, calming the nervous turning of your stomach as you turn on the device and pull up your mother's contact.
when you press the call button, you lift up the phone and rest it casually against your ear. each ring that echoes makes your heart pick up in speed, your fingers curling around the edge of your shirt. the moment you hear a click, indicating that the call was successfully connected, you take a deep breath before speaking.
"hey mom."
"hi sweetheart," your mother's gentle voice eases some of the nerves prickling along your skin, enough to make you momentarily forget about the reason you are calling in the first place, "everything okay?"
"yeah, everything's fine."
"are you still at kyung-jun's house?"
"yup."
"how'd the celebration go? did he like the cake i baked him?"
"he loved it. i've never seen someone devour a cake so quickly."
she laughs, the sound of it crackling through the speaker. somehow, it's able to carry all the warmth that comes with it, "that's good. are you coming home soon?"
the question makes you pause, hesitating as you struggle to find the right words that would properly express what you'd planned out in your head, "well, actually..." you trail off, glancing down into your lap as you pick at a loose string on your t-shirt, "it's raining pretty hard right now, and kyung-jun's driver is off for the night."
"and?" she questions, a hint of uncertainty creeping into her tone.
"well...we just don't think it's safe to walk or take the bus anywhere at the moment. it looks like there's a storm."
she hums, the line growing quiet for a moment as she considers your logic, "you're right, the roads are really dangerous when it rains."
"yeah. so we were thinking...uhm..." you stumble in your words, struggling to grasp the correct sequence and structure that would make the mess of your mind make sense. you compose yourself, then charge forward in the conversation before your nerves get the best of you once more, "is it okay if...i stay the night?"
your mother doesn't speak for a long time, and as the silence stretches, the implication hanging in the air, you almost blurt out an apology and rush home to avoid the embarrassment of it all.
"is kyung-jun's dad okay with this?" her sudden question makes you straighten, fumbling for a response.
"he is."
she releases a weary sigh, "well, it can't be helped. just be home by the morning."
it's almost too good to be true, and while you're slightly suspicious of how well the conversation went, you aren't about to waste the opportunity you've been given, "i will, thank you."
just as you're about to hang up, your mother's firm tone interrupts the action, "now hold on. there are some things we need to discuss before i let you go."
'dammit.'
"yes?" you question uncertainly.
the line is dead for several seconds until another breath is released through the phone, "look, you can deny it all you want, but it doesn't change the fact that you're spending the night at your boyfriends house."
the moment those words register in your brain, your face burns upon realizing what your mother is implying. your eyes widen, threatening to fall out of your skull as you cradle the phone closer to your head.
"mom." you hiss, but she doesn't stop.
"i can't prevent the two of you from doing anything-"
"oh my god." you groan, coming to the conclusion that she is going to finish whatever speech she has prepared despite your protests.
"-but all i ask is that you guys be careful. take care of each other. and please be safe."
"i'm hanging up now." you declare firmly, done with enough embarrassment for the night.
"wait, put kyung-jun on the phone-"
"love you bye."
you end the call before she can get another word in, shooting her a quick text consisting of several hearts. you stand up and walk back towards kyung-jun's room, slipping through the door. when you enter, kyung-jun glances up.
"what'd she say?" he asks, anticipation creeping into his tone.
you clear your throat, forcing a smile as you push away the mortification you endured from that phone call, "she said yes."
"that's all?" he asks, not entirely convinced.
"yup. where's your bathroom? i want to shower first."
kyung-jun eyes you suspiciously for a moment before getting up, leading you over to a door just several paces down the hall. he walks away for a short period of time before returning with a towel and a change of clothes. once he shows you how to turn on the water and what products to use, he closes the door and walks back to his room.
the warmth of the water cascading down your body helps wash away your embarrassment, and by the time you step out, the heat lingers in the air. you make quick work of drying your body, pulling on the clothes and brushing your teeth with the spare toothbrush he left out for you.
you spare a glance at yourself in the mirror, taking in the way your hair is plastered to your face and the slight flush of your cheeks. the clothes are obviously kyung-jun's, a dark gray sweatshirt and sweatpants. the fabric swallows you whole, with sleeves that engulf your hands and legs, requiring you to fold them so you can move properly. the clothes itself are warm though, and soft, and when you lift up the sleeve and press it against your face, you can smell his familiar scent.
you quietly exit the bathroom and enter his room, sending him a shy smile when he glances up. you walk over to the bed, crouching down as you shove your old clothes into your backpack, unaware of the way kyung-jun's eyes follow your every movement. it isn't until you finally straighten and turn to face him that you notice the strange expression on his face.
his eyes are imperceptibly wide, just a fraction, but it's enough to hold the awestruck look reflected in the dark brown color. his lips are parted slightly, his ears a light shade of pink, only furthering the conclusion that the sight of you strikes a certain unknown feeling in his heart.
the moment he notices you've caught him staring, he swallows hard, but his gaze never wavers.
you pause, a slow smile curling your lips as you tilt your head at him curiously, "what's with that look?"
kyung-jun doesn't respond at first. he sits up from the bed and shortens the distance between you until he's standing directly in front of your form. his eyes drag down to your collarbone, where the skin and bone are exposed from where the fabric continues to slip. he lifts up a hand and adjusts it, your eyes fluttering close for a singular moment when you feel his fingers touch your bare skin.
"i like this." he murmurs, his hand lingering, as if reluctant to pull away.
"like what?" you ask breathlessly, peering up at him.
"you wearing my clothes."
a small laugh slips through your teeth, your stomach fluttering at his words, "better get used to it then. i'm stealing these," you brush past him and sit down on the bed, "by the way, do you have a blowdryer? i need to dry my hair."
"hold on." he leaves the room and returns with a small white blow dryer. there is no cord attached, so you assume it runs on batteries, "here."
you take it with a grateful smile, "thanks."
kyung-jun's presence lingers for a moment before finally disappearing, his soft footsteps retreating to the bathroom. you hum, clicking the button on the blow dryer and testing the air with your hand. once confirming that it's a suitable temperature and just the right amount of pressure, you gently start running your hands through your hair, allowing the gentle breeze to rustle the strands.
the mindless action is comforting, one that makes you feel a little sleepy as the time drags on. the warm air soothes your body, quieting the activity in your mind. you close your eyes, focusing on the feeling.
kyung-jun returns just as you finish. the sight of him standing at the doorway, wearing pajamas with his wet hair curling around his eyes, makes your heart burn a little inside your chest. he looks soft like that. a version of himself reserved for the quiet hours of the night, untouched by the harsh reality of the world. you shift over, patting the empty space beside you on the bed.
"come here, i'll dry your hair for you."
kyung-jun complies with no complaints. the mattress dips down under his weight as he sits, his hands curling gently in his lap. you stifle a laugh at his awkward stance, but you don't comment on it as you crawl onto the bed and sit directly behind him. since he's taller, you fold your legs beneath your body and sit up on your knees.
you turn on the blow dryer and slowly start brushing your fingers through his wet hair, ensuring the warm air hits every strand on his head. a pleased hum rumbles in his throat, his eyes fluttering shut and his expression serenely peaceful. he tilts his head back ever so slightly, as if prompting you to continue.
you bring your fingers down to his neck, where the ends of his hair somewhat curl against his nape. tentatively, you brush your thumb against the tender muscle, smiling when he exhales shakily, as if releasing all the tension in his bones.
being this close to kyung-jun makes your heart vibrate like a drum within your rib cage. you're vaguely aware of every subtle shift in his body, every hitch of his breath. the warmth of his skin feels hotter than normal, seeping into your own due to his close proximity. and the scent of his shampoo enters your senses, making your head feel a little dizzy.
it's like the moment is fabricated within your mind, filled with surreal elements that make it impossible to decipher between dream and reality. it would be so simple to float away, drifting into a realm in which you can never return from.
to ground yourself, and simply unable to resist the urge, you lean forward, pressing a light kiss against his neck.
kyung-jun sucks in a sharp breath at the contact.
you shift back slightly, noticing with great delight that his ears are flushed, "hm? why are your ears red?"
"it tickles." he murmurs, a hint of embarrassment laced in his tone.
"are you sensitive here?" you ask, brushing your fingers along the delicate cartilage. this time, a shiver rushes down his spine. he tilts his head in your direction, shooting you a halfhearted glare.
"don't do that." he grumbles, but his words hold no bite. it lacks all his frustration, his acrimony, qualities of his character that used to brand him, but now no longer surface. his lips are pulled into a frown, appearing more like a pout than a displeased scowl, which makes you laugh.
"sorry. couldn't help myself." you apologize, motioning for him to turn back around so you can continue drying his hair.
since his hair is much shorter than your own, it doesn't take long for the dampness to disappear. you click off the blow dryer and place it down on the end of the bed, filling the room with silence. as it stretches, you wrap your arms around his waist and lean your body forward, pressing your face against his back.
once again, you smell his shampoo, a clean, herbal scent that mixes with his natural one. the heat of his body is more prominent now, too. much more than before. it's just shy of sweltering, a comforting warmth that sinks past the surface of your skin down to the center of your bones. kyung-jun leans into your embrace just slightly, filling whatever empty space that remains.
as you both sit there, allowing the silence to settle with its comfort, you're struck with a sudden emotion so intense it feels impossible to bear it on your own. it fills you so completely, so generously, it spills from your body out of your own accord.
how can you not share it? how can you not express this tender affection taking root within your heart, found in the space between your ribs, the tip of your tongue?
"kyung-jun." you whisper, the sound of his name coated in that same emotion.
he hums in acknowledgement, his head angled just slightly towards you. not enough to face you properly, but to urge you to continue.
the words that form taste sweet, the shape they make comforting, the sound of it familiar. like it's always been there, felt within your heart long before your mind recognized it. you press closer, burying your face further into the fabric of his shirt, your hands tightening around his waist.
"i love you."
the moment the phrase leaves your lips, kyung-jun freezes. the room is quiet for several long seconds, the only sound you can hear being the pounding of your heartbeat rushing in your ears. you wait, anxiously, for the first shift in movement, the first sign that will reveal whatever thoughts are running rampant in his mind.
finally, kyung-jun's body begins to move, causing you to lean back as he turns around. his eyes land on your face, searching the planes of it frantically, as if he's seeking to reassure himself that what you said was not a lie, not a slip in the truth. and the moment he realizes the sincerity of your declaration, he doesn't waste a second before grabbing the back of your neck and pulling you in.
the world seems to stop in its tracks, time holding its breath. the two of you move slowly, not rushed, as if to savor the precious moment you've been given. kyung-jun's palm slides from your neck to your cheek, cradling the side of your face gently. and he holds you not like you're something delicate, a thing he's afraid to break, but rather, like you mean something, everything.
so you lean in closer, your trembling fingers clutching the fabric of his shirt, taking everything he gives you. and kyung-jun responds in turn, pressing more insistently as his palm guides your head upwards. his lips part slightly, capturing your bottom lip, and he tugs on the flesh with his teeth.
a sound, so unlike yourself, is pulled from your throat. the echo of it hangs between you as you both pull back, just slightly, to stare at one another in slight surprise. kyung-jun exhales shakily, his eyes dark and hazy, his lips bruised red. he looks beautiful like that. unraveling slowly beneath your touch, a complete mess.
for some reason, the air in the room feels different somehow. is it the remembrance of that sound still lingering in the air? the temperature in the room growing warmer with every second, sticking to your skin? how every subtle shift, every uneven breath, feels louder and more prominent?
kyung-jun looks up. he meets your eyes. an understanding fills the questioning gaps as he leans forward once more.
something shifts, and there's a sense of urgency in the way you and kyung-jun move, a desperation in the way your hands roam across exposed skin and lips press insistently against the other. it's so different from the careful motions from before, but you find that you don't mind the change in pace. you don't hate the way time moves faster, and your body moves just as quickly to keep up with it.
at some point between soft gasps and mumbled incoherencies, your head ends up laying on the pillows, your back flat against the bed. you're not quite sure how, for your mind has started to spin each time you hear kyung-jun's quiet groans, but you become aware of the situation when you feel his body above you.
his legs are pinned on each side of your own, his hands resting on your hips, each squeeze tightening a knot in your stomach that sends a pleasant spark down your spine. your own fingers run down the length of his back, feeling the ridges of his bone and the warmth of his skin. when your fingers slip beneath his shirt, you feel the smooth, sweaty skin, completely hot to the touch.
kyung-jun pulls away when your fingers find the small of his back. his body jerks, causing you to presume that you've found yet another ticklish spot. you laugh, causing his lips to form into a scowl. he buries his face against your neck, his hot breath fanning against your skin due to his heavy breathing.
his fingers push past the hem of your shirt at the same time his lips start pressing against your throat. it's innocent enough at first, a lazy path made with each kiss, his palm flat against your stomach. but then, you feel the quick, sharp nip of his teeth, teasing the space below your jaw and the pulse point in your neck. and when you don't scold him, when you lean your head back to expose the length of your throat, he bites down harder than before.
a barely concealed moan slips out despite how hard you tried to suppress it. your face flushes with embarrassment, already anticipating whatever teasing remark your boyfriend will say in response to it. but rather than point it out, he moves with more vigor, sucking hard enough to leave behind a bruise, a fact you can't find yourself to care about when heat pools in your stomach, the fire curling up and licking your insides.
you squeeze your eyes shut, nails digging into his back, bottom lip caught between your teeth. you wrap your legs around his waist, pressing your hips against his own as a response to the pleasant warmth burning you entirely.
kyung-jun's fingers start to move higher, dragging tentatively along your ribcage, stopping just below your chest. at first, you're confused as to why he doesn't venture further. but then kyung-jun rests his head against your shoulder, breathing more harshly than before as he temporarily pauses his kissing.
and he says your name.
his voice comes out ragged, almost broken, and there's something about the way he says it that makes the knot in your stomach tighten. questioning, hesitant, his way of asking for more.
"kyung-jun," you say, just as breathlessly, just as reverently, a response to his desperate inquiry. you don't need to say anything more for him to understand.
kyung-jun's movements are careful as he unravels you. his touch, soft and slightly hesitant, is so tender you feel your heart ache with every touch of his fingers, every kiss his presses against your skin with each layer of yourself slowly removed.
you hold onto it, this feeling that consumes you. one that bloomed in two different hearts, but here in this space, it merges into one. it's surreal to think you cradle it now in the palm of your hands, a love that's been nurtured with every shared look, every breathless whisper of the others name.
when you lay beneath him, vulnerable and exposed, kyung-jun just as unraveled, he pauses. his eyes drag across every inch of your face, a quiet, contemplative look passing over his expression. you lift up a hand, brushing your thumb across his cheek.
"what are you thinking about?" you whisper gently, afraid that anything louder will shatter the fragile moment.
"my wish came true." he murmurs, fluttering his eyes shut as he leans into your palm.
"what did you wish for?"
he pauses for a moment, considering the question before replying, "everything. this. you."
a laugh escapes you at his reponse, "how long have you been dreaming of this?"
"since first year. at the bus stop."
you blink in surprise. kyung-jun has loved you for that long? it feels impossible, too good to be true, but here he is, confirming it, and it only
makes you love him even more, "really? why?"
the corners of his lips twitch at your question. he leans down, gently coaxing you into a kiss, pulling back slightly to whisper the words against your mouth, "you smiled at me that day."
isn't that funny? how a simple act, as minuscule as a butterfly fluttering its wings, could shift the trajectory of the world. you remember that day. how you ran through the harsh rain to your bus stop, soaked down to the bone. how you encountered a boy sitting on the bench, the sight of him causing a stutter in your heart, however brief. how your lips pulled into a bright grin, an instinctive motion that felt right in the moment.
you never knew the impact that scene would carry to the here and now. how your actions, one you'd brushed off the second the moment passed, would reveal a new path you almost missed.
you're immensely grateful for it. if that butterfly never flew, if it never rained, would you still be here right now? would you love and be loved so reverently it physically makes you ache?
when kyung-jun died, you lived in a world without him in it. his absence was not one you had to imagine, because it had become your reality. but listening to his heartbeat, feeling the warmth of his vitality, you can't imagine going back to that world. not even one where's he's alive but your paths never cross. call yourself selfish, but you wish to always be with him, to always be given the opportunity to know him, to love him.
"kyung-jun." you mumble, wrapping your arms around his neck and pressing your bodies flush against the other, "i'd give all my time to you. every minute, every second, it's yours."
kyung-jun takes all his love and pours it into every touch, every kiss, and every exhale he lays upon your form. and you consume it, greedily, earnestly, not allowing a single fraction of his affection to go unnoticed.
'how lucky i am to experience a love so beautiful. to taste the sweetness of it. to hear the lovely melody. to feel the gentle warmth.'
you don't realize you're crying until kyung-jun stops moving. one hand presses against your cheek, his cautious touch causing you to flutter your eyes open. a frown settles on his lips, eyes creased in worry.
"what's wrong? does it hurt?" he asks, his eyes flitting frantically between your own.
"no," you croak out with a sniffle, shaking your head.
despite the tears that continue to fall down your face, you don't feel an ounce of pain or sadness. in fact, it's quite the opposite. everything is so unbelievably perfect, so surreal, you question if it's even real. what did you do to deserve this? this opportunity to experience something so pure and genuine, something that others have given up everything in order to receive even an ounce of the sweetness. and kyung-jun gifts it to you so willingly, expecting nothing of you in return.
a choked sob is pulled from your throat as you smile, feeling overwhelmed by the love you've been given so generously, "i'm just really happy right now."
he stares at you for a moment, unconvinced at first, but the longer his gaze settles, his face softens. when he realizes you're being genuine, he releases a quiet breath, a flicker of amusement shifting across his features. he leans down, pressing his lips against the corners of your eyes, brushing away your tears and soothing your scrambled thoughts and emotions.
when your cries are reduced to quiet sniffles, all your tears washed away, kyung-jun tenderly brushes your hair away from your face. then, he rests his forehead against your own, and continues to pour out his love for you to drink.
time warps into something difficult to comprehend.
it goes fast each time kyung-jun pushes against you, waves that rock along the shore. it pulls soft sighs and gentle moans, a cacophony of sweet sounds that settles comfortably into the atmosphere.
it goes slow down when his presence lingers, when his touch grows languid and featherlight, dragging the seconds out to prolong the feeling.
and within the line between rushed and gradual movements is a singular phrase. it's uttered breathlessly amongst kisses, etched to flushed, sweaty skin, whispered in the shell of one's ear. and each time you hear it, your hold on kyung-jun tightens as you melt into his embrace, until it's hard to distinguish between two beating hearts.
the world grows silent when it all unravels like the snap of a branch, the undoing of a knotted string. kyung-jun releases a choked gasp against your neck, the tension coiled in his body slowly unfolding as he slumps against your form. the breath is pulled from your lungs beneath his weight, but you can't find it in yourself to care as your eyes flutter shut and the dizziness in your head finally starts to disappear.
all you can do is hold him against you, cradling the love in your hands delicately, refusing to let it go. you count the rhythm of kyung-jun's heartbeat, memorize the exact feeling of his weight and body pressed against your own.
and you will away the passing of time, wishing that the hands of the clock don't grasp the sacred moment and alter it with its touch.
'you can take away whatever you want. transform a blooming flower into a wilted stem. change the seasons from something warm into the bitter cold. but not this. i won't let you affect this.'
'please don't take this love away from me.'
Notes:
HAHAHA did you guys like it? i'm not very good at writing kiss scenes let alone anything more but i just wanted this to be a sweet moment between the two cuz it's his birthday :CCC also that's what i was alluding to the last chapter lol SORRY FOR SCARING YOU GUYs when i said i was nervous to write this its cuz i wanted it to be perfect so yeah ANYWAYS i can't believe theres only like three chapters left of this entire series its SOOOO INSANE like when i originally drafted the outline it was only supposed to be like 16 chapters max but i had to extend it cuz of the pacing BUT AHHH things are getting real now and this is like the last bit of fluff until the very end oopsie so i apologize in advance for how much angst i'm about to throw at you all i've been starving for it. anyways i'll see you guys next week dont' forget to comment i miss you guys i swear i'm reading them all i just haven't found the time to respond to each and every one sad face I LOVE YOU GUYS MWAH
Chapter 23: nineteen
Notes:
sorry i didn't get to upload twice last week i went on a mini vacation. BUT I WILL POST THE LAST CHAPTER OF WINTER SOMETIME THIS WEEKEND TRUST. anyways hope you guys enjoy, this chapter hurt me a little
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
T̷̰̣̙͎̋͛̒̂̎͌Ḧ̵̝̦̠̣͐E̷̫̐̾̓̄̾ͅ ̸̧̻͇̹̖̖͐͊̚ͅA̵̩̿̋C̵̡̮̩̦̲͛̉̈́̏͝C̵̛̰̼̑I̸̪̻͓͔̜͑̽̓ Ḏ̸̦̮̈́ E̷̯̪̝͒̑͑̀͛͂͘Ñ̷̳͚̞̞̏͂̓̌͝͠ͅͅȚ̴̹͕̹͈͕̼̑̆́̑̚
there's a sinking feeling in your stomach.
it sits in the pit of it, settling there like it belongs, when the reality of the situation is far from the truth. that really, it falls in a place it shouldn't. rot that decays your body as time passes, and the feeling takes root in all parts of your life.
when the silence lingers, you feel it twisting into knots, churning like waves in a storm that only seems to get worse as the weather persists and the rain progresses.
when you venture through an unfamiliar setting, it squeezes your lungs, a burning pressure that crushes your heart and organs. you can't escape it, this feeling like you're trapped. constantly running in a loop towards an ending that will never change. where death feels inevitable.
it's as if somehow, some part of you recognizes the place.
and for some reason, something terrible is associated with it.
it's worse than anxiety over something that's yet to arrive. worse than anticipating an inevitable outcome. it sinks beneath flesh and bone, found in the center of it, prickling like needles in the back of your neck and goosebumps along your arms.
you recognize it as the feeling one gets when something bad is about to happen. an instinct that warns the body of danger. it's deeper than a signal sent from the brain. it's a phenomenon that can't quite be explained, only felt, and it consumes you entirely. every waking moment, every second of your dreams consists of this warning.
this impending doom is a stark contrast to the trajectory of your life. why do you feel this way when spring has arrived, and the world is filled with new beginnings and endless possibilities? when the warmth of the sun washes away whatever was left behind by winter, a golden glow that paints every surface it touches, bringing life to a once dying earth. where cherry blossoms line the sidewalk, where birds sing their songs on a hidden branch, and an acceptance to seoul national university sits on your dresser.
the letter came in the mail just hours before. the large packet branded with the famous logo of your dream school carried something that was heavy and difficult to swallow. at first, you were acutely aware of the way it sat in your trembling hands, the pounding of your heartbeat going so fast it threatened to burst out of your chest the longer you stared.
but the moment you opened it, the moment you read the words that read 'congratulations! we are pleased to inform you-' all the weight of your burdens disappeared.
finally, you thought, releasing a long withheld breath.
here in your hands was the reward for all your struggles. a compensation for the hardships you endured. the fruit of your labors. after spending all your precious time memorizing finger placements and counting rhythms in your head, feeling your fingers bleed and barely getting any sleep, here was proof that it wasn't just some silly dream. that it meant something. the music you played.
here was your future.
when you enter your room after school, you're greeted with the same sight. white parchment. a broken seal. it brings the same feeling of accomplishment, not yet worn down by the passing of time. gradually, almost instinctively, a smile stretches across your face.
after changing out of your uniform you tread lightly towards your window where your music stand and violin case occupy the space. you lean down, flicking the latch open to reveal your beloved instrument. you run your fingers down the wood, brushing across the neat cursive etched into the side, feeling the taut pull of the strings.
just as you're about to pull it out, a vibration in your pocket stops you in your tracks. you lean back and fish out your phone.
yoon-seo: this new cafe opened up in the area. wanna come?
normally you'd decline the offer, opting instead to use the remaining hours of the day to practice your instrument. but you didn't have any concerts coming up, nor did you have any auditions to prepare for. for once in your life, you had time to spare.
and you deserved it, didn't you? a chance to live your life the way you pleased after working hard for so long.
coming to a decision, you stand up, sending a quick response to yoon-seo's offer while rushing out the door.
the cafe bustles with activity, a murmur of excited voices and light laughter filling the dainty building. you spot yoon-seo and jung-won at a small table near the window, two teacups and a tray of pastries decorating the surface of the furniture. you walk over with a slight skip to your steps, a warm feeling overcoming your body when their faces instantly brighten at the sight of your arrival.
the rest of the evening is spent chatting about random topics, ranging from the quiet nervousness of graduation to future plans regarding the small break between then and the start of university. by the time the conversation dies down, the cafe is quieter, washed in golden light filtering through windows. evening transforms into night, signaling the end of the day.
as you peer thoughtfully at the rich haze that settles around you, you think about hyun-ho. the sudden thought is accompanied by an ache in your heart, filling the vacant space in your chest. you blink away the reminder of the lingering pain, and instead focus on the sudden realization that strikes your body.
the sound of the chair scraping along the floor prompts your friends to glance up. yoon-seo's eyes are reflected with a soft sort of concern, the quiet kind that surfaces often, while jung-won frowns, a barely legible tension forming along her delicate features.
"where are you going?" yoon-seo questions, her palms flat on the table, as if to push herself up to stand alongside you.
"i forgot i had plans to meet up with someone," you explain, ignoring the way their worry depends as you grab your bag and sling it over your shoulder, "i'll see you guys tomorrow."
you head off with a wave, hurrying along the streets of the city as you venture towards the destination in mind. every so often you'll check your phone, ensuring that you'll make it there before time slips away.
by the time you arrive, night has fallen, leaving the world dark and cold. the streetlamps have turned on, the flickering lights lining the sidewalk you currently stand on. the road is still busy with cars and pedestrians, the buzz of city light not quite dying out with the shift in time.
you're not sure how long you stand there, nor the exact moment you realize the person you're waiting for is unlikely to show up. still, you hold onto that last shred of hope, curling your fingers around the slight possibility.
when he fails to show, something heavy lands on top of your shoulders. it looms over you, its wicked laughter sharp in your eardrums. you push it away, defiant until the end as you pull out your phone and press call.
it rings for a long time, so long the hope you clung to starts to slip from your fingers. you count each break in silence, the absence of sound growing heavier and heavier, leaving behind the sort of pain that starts to become unbearable the longer it lingers. you exhale shakily, but it doesn't ease the uncomfortable feeling.
it rings a final time, and finally, the person on the other line picks up.
"hello?"
jang hyun-ho's familiar voice instantly brings you relief, but that comfort is short-lived as you're reminded of the distance that sits between you. not just physically, but emotionally, too. the kind that's difficult to reduce, a line that isn't always easily crossed, "where are you?"
a low curse crackles from the line. you can imagine it, the way hyun-ho's eyes widen. the frown that settles upon his lips, "i'm sorry. i forgot."
the guilt in his voice is apparent, but it's joined by something else. a hesitancy that wasn't there before. you hold the phone tighter, pressing it more insistently against your ear as if it'd do anything to get closer to him, "you're avoiding me, aren't you?"
hyun-ho doesn't respond for a long time. within the silence are unspoken words and confessions that never gain the ability to be spoken out loud. it dies in your throats, lost in the jumble of thoughts that run rampant in your minds.
he exhales. hyun-ho's voice comes out wobbly, and perhaps it's a distortion resulted from the phone call, or perhaps it's a product of the pain that coats it, "it'll make it easier for the both of us."
"for us or for you?" silence. tears starts to gather in the corners of your eyes as you push on, desperate to change the way things are, "hyun-ho, please don't push me away. i get it, okay? you don't have to return my feelings. i understand why you can't. but please, you're my best friend."
the lack of sound is deafening. as it stretches, you feel your heart break a little. piece by piece, cracks running along the edge. it finally snaps when hyun-ho whispers, and this time, there is no mistaking the torment that shackles his tone, "go home."
the line goes quiet.
"hyun-ho?" you squeeze your eyes shut, trying to listen for the sound of his breathing, the gentle strum of a guitar, "jang hyun-ho!"
you pull your phone back, expecting to see the call time and hyun-ho's photo, but instead you're greeted with a dark screen. you stare, blinking rapidly, not just to stop the tears threatening to fall down your cheeks, but to change the clear fact presented before you.
it doesn't work.
you find yourself wandering aimlessly down the road, a numbness overtaking your body as you pass by closing shops and moving figures. your arms hang limply by your side, each step heavier than the last. you barely notice your surroundings. barely realize you've stepped up to the intersection, waiting with a crowd of passerby's for the light to turn green. it all feels like white noise to you.
and the paranoia. it's returned with a vengeance, clawing at your insides as if begging to be acknowledged. you grimace slightly, forcing it back into the depths in which it came from.
'what is wrong with me? why can't i shake off the sense that something is wrong?"
your mind clears when you spot a familiar figure across the street. you can't see his face due to the hood pulled over his head, but the other qualities of his character reveal his identity. his tall stature and the way he carries himself. the hair peeking out from beneath the fabric, a certain shade of brown that curls around sharp eyes.
ko kyung-jun.
it's strange to see him out in public. you're used to his figure being confined to classrooms and secluded alleyways near the school, surrounded by smoke and fearful eyes. at first, you're struck with a feeling of unease, primarily because any encounter with the boy is quickly followed by trouble.
despite your discomfort, however, you can't seem to look away. your eyes follow the way he walks hurriedly down the sidewalk. they take notice of his lips curled into a scowl. it's not an unfamiliar sight, kyung-jun wearing his acrimony like a second skin. but something feels off about it. it rings an alarm in your head, insisting that you pay attention and look .
something isn't right. you aren't sure what it is, or why, but you feel it deep in your bones.
the light turns green. your feet start moving on their own, pivoting towards the direction of the boy. you maneuver around the crowd of those walking in the opposite direction, momentarily making you lose sight of your classmate as the distance between you gets larger and larger. at last, it thins out, and you're just barely able to catch sight of kyung-jun turning the corner several meters ahead.
you quicken your pace, taking a sharp turn into an alleyway wedged between two buildings. you pause when you're greeted with an empty street, barely any remnants left behind by his departure. you wildly glance around, cautiously inching forward as you look for clues as to kyung-jun's whereabouts.
"you lost?"
you whip around at the sudden voice, finding two men, not much older than yourself, standing near the entrance of the alleyway. one holds a cigarette halfway to his lips, while the other rests one hand on the doorknob leading into one of the buildings. both individuals eye you curiously, but there's something dangerous lurking beneath their gazes, something that makes the paranoia worse than before.
unease crawls along your skin.
you swallow thickly, struggling to find your voice. you don't miss the way they step closer, nor the way they effectively block your path, "i'm just looking for someone."
"a friend?" he questions, the ghost of a smirk twitching the corners of his mouth.
you open your mouth to respond, only to pause shortly after the answer forms in the back of your throat. for some reason, you hesitate, a fact that you don't understand, not one bit. because the truth of the matter is no, ko kyung-jun is not your friend. far from it actually. he's simply a boy whose path you've crossed more than once. a classmate you're forced to tolerate. if anything, you ignore his existence, treating him with indifference, because it is much easier to avoid him than face someone everyone claims to be cruel.
then why do you hesitate? as if ko kyung-jun means more to you than he actually does?
"yes." the word slips from your lips before you can stop it, solidifying the claim. you can't take it back, even if you wanted to (why don't i want to?). you spare an uncertain glance over your shoulder, but kyung-jun still doesn't show, "i have to go."
"what's the rush? we can help you look." both men take another step, still effectively blocking the only exit. there's no way around their figures. not without being in reach of their grasp, if they choose to use it.
"no thank you." you shuffle back, just a step, but the sound of your shoes scraping against the asphalt catches their attention. a horrifying delight rises upon their features, eagerly feeding off of the fear that starts to overcome you. you turn around, walking hurriedly down the opposite direction.
"hey kid."
you ignore the call of the voice, curling your fingers around the strap of your bag as you pick up the pace of your walking. distantly, you can hear their shouts grow louder, their amused laughter blending with the click of their shoes trailing after your own. the realization that they're following you makes the rhythm of your heart grow faster, matching the light jog you force your body into. you turn corner after corner, trying to lose them in the maze of narrow pathways leading to quiet neighborhoods and vacant streets.
don't look back. keep walking. they'll get tired of you and move on.
in the distance, you finally spot a busier part of the district. you hear the rush of voices and the rumble of car engines, a stark contrast to the eerie quietness that previously surrounded you. you break into a run, not stopping until you step into the light and your figure gets lost in the hundreds of other individuals lining the sidewalk.
you sneak a look into the alleyway, but the two men don't emerge. either they really did get bored of the small chase, or they realized there was no point in causing a scene in such a busy area. you exhale shakily, directing your attention back to the bustling city.
your entire body tenses when someone stumbles past you, emerging from an alleyway not far from the one you just came from. the sight of him startles you, but not for the reasons it should. not because of their staggered steps. not because of the bruises forming on their face.
but because it's kyung-jun.
for some reason, relief floods your body, spreading like waves across every inch, a part of your discomfort soothing into a warm ache. then you pause, utterly confused by the reaction. usually kyung-jun's presence puts you on edge, always cautious of the possibility that his violence could turn in your direction at any moment. it never has before, but it doesn't mean it's impossible.
and yet, you're glad to see him.
the feeling is short lived, however. when you inspect him more carefully, the abnormalities clinging to his form causes your unease to return, but for an entirely different reason this time. kyung-jun's hood no longer covers his head, so you can see his face more clearly. see the pain that twists his features. see the ugly bruises on his cheek and right below his eyes. and the blood. his bottom lip is busted open, his nose leaking the same substance. the boy squeezes his eyes shut, clutching the side of his head.
he's hurt. and as that thought sinks in, your heart squeezes painfully inside your chest.
"kyung-jun!"
he doesn't respond. doesn't so much as flinch at the urgency in your tone. the light turns green. he starts moving across the sidewalk. cars slow down to a stop. all but one.
"kyung-jun!"
it's coming faster now. other pedestrians scatter to safety, casting weary looks at the approaching vehicle. kyung-jun is still clutching his head, wincing as he limps across the sidewalk.
"ko kyung-jun!"
time slows to a stop.
it's hard to decipher what exactly happened. all your thoughts, all your emotions and the events that occurred are scrambled somewhere in the complexities of time and space. some pass by in a blur, barely acknowledged, while others tread so slowly you have no choice but to pay attention.
the realization that kyung-jun is in danger strikes you slowly. it seizes all your limbs, takes hold of your mind to the point of complete and utter devastation. kyung-jun is going to die. it's a well known fact. a fate that's been branded into his life the moment he stepped onto that road and the car refused to stop.
but the sudden movement of your body, your outstretched hands reaching for his own go by quick, along with the sudden chant racing through your mind.
he's going to die. he's going to die. ko kyung-jun is going to-
vaguely, distantly, as if it's happening to someone else, you're aware of the tremendous pain your body is in. a gap occurs in your memory, the trajectory of your world switching from one scene to another in the blink of an eye. one moment you're running across the sidewalk and shoving the boy out of the way, and the next, you find yourself cradled in someone's arms.
'how did i get here?'
you start to shake, but not of your own accord. you blink again, refocusing your vision, recognizing kyung-jun and his warmth surrounding you. he's running down the street, carrying you tightly in his arms, resting your head against his chest. his eyes are wide and panicked, his lips forming the shape of your name. over and over again. a prayer. a plea. a wish.
you drink the sight of him in, inspecting each inch of his features. you look past the tension marring the space between his brows, the purple blemishes forming around his eyes, the dried red on his cheek.
'he's okay. he's safe. death has not yet taken him.'
'thank goodness', you think.
something wet lands on your cheek. a tear drop. you blink rapidly, but they did not come from your own bleary eyes. you glance up, realizing with a start that the grief filled water forms along the corners of kyung-jun's eyes. they trail down his cheeks, spilling freely down his face. his lips press firmly together, as if to push down the emotion, but he always fails. all it takes is a glance in your direction for his composure to crumble completely.
'is kyung-jun crying...for me?'
why? why does he break at the sight of you? you open your mouth with the intention of consoling him. to smooth down his anguish. because seeing him in pain, physical or not, hurts worse than the distant throb felt in your head.
you're only able to get one singular word out. a ragged croak that cracks along the edges.
"-jun."
then, the world goes silent. the sound of kyung-jun's name falling from your lips is the last thing you hear. the last thing you feel. the shape of it on your tongue, the echo of it lingering in the back of your throat.
and finally, all the noise in your world grows muffled, replaced by a ringing in your ears. kyung-jun's lips move more fervently now, his desperation rising as he picks up in speed and his tears fall more rapidly, but his words fail to reach your ears. is it because your vision is slowly fading? your consciousness slipping away? or is it something else you don't quite understand yet?
'kyung-jun. what are you saying? i can't hear you. i can't-'
3̵̢̡̩͈͓̊̈́͌̿̚ MONTHS BEFORE THE ACCIDENT.
DECEMBER -
F̵̖͚̑Ë̷̠͎̟́̄͋̊B̸̗̥̥͜͝͠R̸̹͉̔̇͘U̵̡̡̍̈́Á̴̧̛̳̓̌R̶̜͖̃Y̶̻̬͊̋͋
time snaps back into place.
you wake up in a cold sweat, engulfed completely in the eerie quiet of a dark room. your breaths are released in quick, choked gasps, quiet sobs produced by your trembling lips. and the tears. they never stop coming, falling freely down your face as the reality of the situation sinks in.
someone shifts beside you, and while you can't see, you can feel kyung-jun's steady presence settling next to you. you feel his arms wrap around your shaking frame, pulling you against his chest and cradling the back of your head as if to protect you from the torment that lingers.
"hey, it's okay. just breathe." he mumbles against the crown of your head. the steadiness of his voice grounds you to this point in time, removing you completely from the images still haunting your mind.
yet, the heavy weight of it still crushes you slowly. the sort of pain that starts of small, barely felt, and you don't realize it's killing you until it's already too late. you bury your face against the fabric of his shirt, listening to the steady rhythm of his heart, the warmth of his skin.
you exhale shakily, somehow finding your voice amongst the depths of your despair.
"kyung-jun." you whisper, curling your fingers around the edge of his shirt. you hold on tightly, desperately clinging to his form, as if you're afraid that if you let go, he'll disappear, and you'll be back in that point of time.
kyung-jun pulls back, just slightly, enough to peer down and search your face worriedly, "what happened?"
"i-" the words get caught in your throat, dying in the hollow space as you recall flashes of the nightmare. you swallow thickly as you compose yourself enough to breathe out a vague explanation, "i saw something. in my dream. something that's already happened."
kyung-jun frowns, "what do you mean?"
"i don't know. i don't-" the carefully crafted composure breaks, reducing you once more to a sobbing, trembling mess. why can't you get the words out? why does some figment of your imagination, perhaps a result of your recent paranoia, affect you so vividly?
kyung-jun tugs you closer, whispering countless variations of soothing words that relinquish the chaos of your pain. one palm travels down your back, pressing small circles against your spine, while the other curls around your hair, brushing delicately through the strands.
and while you manage to calm down into a fitful, exhausted sleep, the truth of the matter doesn't stay hidden. it lingers, slowly clawing its way up, pushing past your defenses to present itself clearly at the forefront of your mind.
that it wasn't a dream. it wasn't a premonition. it was the past. your past. one you'd buried long ago. the memories you'd never felt capable of facing. but the truth always has a way of coming out eventually, whether you want it to or not. and now you know what really occurred the day your world fell apart.
only one question echoes in your brain as the silence settles.
'why show me this now?
and why do i get the feeling that fate has something planned?'
-
during the night, it snowed.
the temperatures dropped with the storm, and between the heavy raindrops and the howling winds, snowflakes began to fall instead. while everyone went to sleep expecting to wake up to wet cement and the scent of mildew, instead they were greeted with a layer of fluffy white. the entire city is blanketed by the delicate substance, which lays peacefully in the atmosphere beyond the comfort of warm homes.
while children rush outside and marvel at the sight, your own mind and body is seized with an emotion far less enjoyable.
dread.
you thought you had more time. you thought the world wouldn't be so cruel as to yank you away from the precious moments of your youth. but as you run your fingers across the cold powder and it fails to melt away with the days that go by, one singular thought becomes painstakingly clear.
ko kyung-jun will die soon.
there's no way to explain how you know. perhaps it's because of the vague details you recall from your visions. how cold the air was, the bitter wind nipping at your cheeks. how his blood pooled beneath his body, staining the white ground. or perhaps it's a hidden sense as a result of your time traveling abilities. being able to tell when and where something will happen before it occurs. isn't that how the movies go? the character feeling the world shatter long before the cracks appear.
this impending sense of doom feels all to familiar to the feeling you felt in the past. the fact that your body knew what would happen to you, and it tried to warn your mind as a desperate attempt to change your fate.
is it truly impossible to erase what's written in the stars? to mutter enough prayers, to whisper enough wishes, that'll actually make a difference?
you start to wonder, what if you hadn't been there that day? was kyung-jun always meant to die, and all you'd done was delay the inevitable?
no. you refuse to believe it, even if it's true. you'll tear fate apart and rewrite destiny if you have to.
a week later, you find yourself sitting beneath a string of paper snowflakes. a mug of hot chocolate sits in your hands, the warmth of it seeping past the glass into your palms. your body, wrapped in a large wool sweater, is wedged between kyung-jun and jung-won on a large couch.
in the center of the living room is a coffee table, where a board game sits in the middle along with a plate of cookies. your classmates are sprawled across the floor, actively engaged within the heated dispute occurring between so-mi and woo-ram. in other corners of the space, girls are braiding each other's hair with ribbons and beads, while another group decorates a fresh batch of cookies still warm from the oven.
this time it was eun-cha who coordinated the event, along with the help of his best friends eun-ha and yeon-woo. your classmates living room is decorated with a small christmas tree, walls taped with holly and a variation of animals wearing scarves and earmuffs sitting on shelves. a pile of presents sit beneath the tree, each one marked with a name. heo-yool had insisted on doing a gift exchange, saying it was the perfect bonding activity to do as a class. he claimed it wasn't really christmas without presents, but really, you think he was excited about the prospect of ripping through paper.
kyung-jun's fingers tap mindlessly against your arm, the rhythmic beat lulling you into a trance. it's difficult to focus on the countless activities that buzz across the room. na-hee's shriek of laughter. dong-hyun's excited yelp. the whine of heo-yool's voice.
"you okay?"
kyung-jun's voice snaps you away from your drifting thoughts, pulling you back to the present. you tilt your head towards him, taking in the quiet question in his eyes, his eyebrows just barely raised to accompany his worry and curiosity.
"yeah. just thinking." you mumble quietly, blinking away the dazed look reflected across your features.
you've been getting distracted a lot lately. each time a peaceful moment settles, you're instantly yanked back to being driven mad by paranoia and bombarded with the images of what's to come. at first you tried pushing the thoughts away, but when that didn't work, you tried sorting through them instead. your efforts only made you more anxious than before.
"that's dangerous." kyung-jun chuckles, a flicker of amusement dancing across his eyes.
you roll your eyes, nudging him halfheartedly with your elbow, "shut up."
kyung-jun leans back against the couch with another laugh. as you settle more comfortably against his shoulder, his eyes start trailing lazily around the room, "you think eun-ha left any mistletoe laying around?"
"why? want an excuse to kiss me?" you tease.
"i don't need an excuse to do that," kyung-jun quips back, his comment making heat rise to your cheeks, "i'm just tired of watching yoon-seo sneak glances at our class president"
"i see you noticed it, too."
"hard not to. she's pretty obvious about it."
"and yet jun-hee is quite oblivious to the message."
"that or he's pretending not to know."
"probably." you muse quietly.
from across the room, hyun-ho gets up from his spot at the table and treads towards the door. a gust of cold wind spreads throughout the room when he opens it, producing high pitched squeals of complaint and body racking shivers within each person close to the entrance. he steps outside, alone.
you gently remove kyung-jun's arm from around your shoulder, pushing yourself up from the couch to stand. just as you position yourself upright, you feel your boyfriend's fingers tug at the hem of your sweater, and when you turn around, a frown rests on his lips.
"where are you going?"
"to get some fresh air," you explain. when he fails to release you, a quiet laugh slips through your lips. he's so cute when he's clingy, "don't worry jagiya. i'll be back."
kyung-jun huffs, but he doesn't protest any further. his hand falls back to his side, allowing you to maneuver around the bodies of your classmates to reach the door.
you find hyun-ho sitting on the steps. he rests his arms on his knees, hands clasped together as he tilts his head towards the sky. you lift up your own head, drinking in the twinkling lights strung across rooftops and curled around streetlamps. it's not snowing, not anymore, but the world still harbors the white color on unpaved roads and dead grass.
as you adjust the scarf around your neck you settle into the empty space beside him, "hey."
hyun-ho doesn't glance in your direction, but he acknowledges your presence with a slight tip of his head. a contemplative look rests on his features, prominent in the slight furrow of his brow and the thin set of his mouth.
"it snowed." he finally mutters, and you don't need to ask for clarification to know the underlying meaning behind his declaration.
you swallow hard, tearing your eyes away from the sky to stare at the ground, "yeah. it did."
hyun-ho is quiet for a moment. despite the air being filled with nothing, it's heavy with the weight of the world, of every concern, doubt, and fear. he shifts, angling his body in your direction, "it doesn't have to mean anything. it'll probably be snowy until february. maybe even march."
"that's just wishful thinking, isn't it?" you reply numbly. he's right about the weather, but somehow you get the feeling that he's wrong. that really, the event you've braced for is coming a lot sooner than you wish to believe.
hyun-ho studies you intensely for a moment. whatever he finds makes the concern in his eyes deepen. he shifts closer.
"what is it?"
you curl your fingers around your sweater, exhaling shakily. your breath produces a white cloud in the air, which thins out and fades into the night, "my memory came back."
hyun-ho's eyes widen in disbelief. he continues searching your face to confirm the truth in your words, and when he finds it, his lips part open slightly in tandem to his shock, "seriously? then you know-"
"i know i saved kyung-jun's life. and then he saved mine," a dry chuckle is produced from your throat. the sound is wrong. it's hollow and lacks all the qualities of an amused noise. you lift up your eyes to face your friend, "isn't that funny? we save each other in every timeline. even in one where we don't know each other. it's strange how fate works. is that what we're destined to do? risk our lives for one another?"
hyun-ho doesn't respond at first. a pained, tormented sort of expression befalls his features, as if he is unable to formulate a response that would ease your worries. his hesitation only confirms what you already understand.
"does kyung-jun know? about what happens to you." he asks suddenly, making your blood run cold.
"no." you spit out, feeling the guilt creep into your body when you say it out loud. you avoid hyun-ho's pointed stare.
"you can't keep it from him forever. he'll find out one way or another."
"i know," you mumble, tightening your current hold around your sweater. your knuckles turn white from the pressure, "but how do i tell him that i'll almost die? that i'll live the rest of my life without music? and he's just supposed to be okay with that? it's not fair."
"still, you have to tell him-"
"tell me what?"
you and hyun-ho freeze, the tension in your bodies quickly followed by the quick whip of your heads as you turn towards the source of the voice. a part of you had hoped it was a trick. that your mind was so plagued with paranoia that you imagined the familiar octave. but your eyes don't deceive you, even as you blink rapidly at the individual standing by the doorway.
"kyung-jun." you mumble, a blend of disbelief and shock mixing into your wobbly tone. you hastily push yourself to your feet, hyun-ho not far behind the sudden movement.
kyung-jun switches his attention between the two of you, his puzzlement growing as he takes in your guilty expressions and eyes that can't quite meet his own. he frowns, something unexplainable passing over his features, "what is he talking about?"
the silence stretches for a long time. you try to think of a response to his inquiry. perhaps a way to explain the situation without revealing the harsh truth. a way to keep kyung-jun ignorant, if not to maintain his carefree attitude, then to preserve his joy. it's always been a fickle thing. something that slips past no matter how hard you try to keep it close. you just want him to hold it a little longer.
"the accident." hyun-ho breaks the silence. those two words alone, the syllables that have haunted you the past year, make your heart drop.
"what accident?" kyung-jun presses on, turning his attention to you. his eyes flit rapidly between your own, searching beneath your expression for a clue, a sign, anything that will help him to understand.
'he will find out one way or another.'
'i'm sorry for keeping this from you kyung-jun. i'm sorry.'
"the accident..." you begin, swallowing thickly to get rid of the lump that formed. you spit out the rest of the bitter truth so it doesn't scorch your tongue, "that makes me go deaf."
the words hang heavily in the air, sinking past flesh and bone and settling like poison in your blood. kyung-jun recoils slightly, taken aback by what you just revealed, "what?"
you take in a deep breath to prepare yourself, squeezing your eyes shut for a brief moment before barreling forward, "in the original timeline i get hit by a car," you begin, somehow able to keep your voice steady, "the impact makes my head hit the ground so hard my eardrums rupture. i'm never able to hear again."
kyung-jun blinks, just once, as he takes in your words. he glances towards the side, that arduous contemplation returning in full force. he clenches his jaw, the sharp edges of his hard set eyes and tight muscles accompanying the frustration that builds within his body. but when he speaks, his words are even, not at all coated with his acrimony.
and worst of all, he sounds betrayed.
"why didn't you tell me?"
"i-"
"you think i didn't deserve to know?" his tone raises slightly in volume, his hurt and anger betraying his once steady collectiveness.
the pain in his voice, how apparent it is on his figure, eats away at your insides. it hurts more than anything you've ever felt, striking the tender points of your body. because you were the one who caused it. you were the one who brought upon the ache in his heart, the torment shackling his limbs.
"i didn't tell you because you'll be there kyung-jun!"
the words rush out before you can stop them. the taste of it, spoiled, sits on your tongue. kyung-jun falters, all his bitterness vanishing in one swift moment, "what?"
"the day i go deaf..." you start again, and this time, your voice starts to break. it breaks because you recall the warmth of kyung-jun's blood staining your hands. you see the paleness of his skin, the frailness of his life blown out so quickly you don't have time to stop it.
there are worse outcomes than this. it's just a pill you have to swallow, a life you have to learn to live.
"you'll be there to witness it. and unless you want to die, you can't stop it."
Notes:
yeah uhm i'm sorry. i did warn you guys that the fluff would disappear for a bit. but uh on the bright side we finally know what happened in the original timeline? and kyung-jun knows the truth? yay? sigh anyways i'm sad cuz the next chapter is the end of winter. after that, there's only one more chapter left :C so depressing ughhhh
Chapter 24: twenty
Notes:
last chapter of winter :C i listened to all the depressing songs in the world to create this so keep that in mind as you read, and good luck
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
3̵̢̡̩͈͓̊̈́͌̿̚ MONTHS BEFORE THE ACCIDENT.
DECEMBER - F̵̖͚̑Ë̷̠͎̟́̄͋̊B̸̗̥̥͜͝͠R̸̹͉̔̇͘U̵̡̡̍̈́Á̴̧̛̳̓̌R̶̜͖̃Y̶̻̬͊̋͋
a cold chill has settled in your bones, but it runs deeper than the wind continuing to blow past your numb figure. it's the kind of cold that feels akin to a spider crawling down your spine, acutely aware of every singular step, the slight prick of its fangs sinking into your flesh. you try to brush it off, to eradicate this unsettling feeling coursing through your body, but you can never reach it. it's buried too deep, practically engraved into your being.
kyung-jun doesn't meet your eyes. he stares at the floor, curling his fingers into fists and biting the inside of his cheek. like he's withholding something begging to be unleashed. restraining an emotion he doesn't want to feel. something inside of you dies a little at the sight.
isn't it strange how the truth can bring more harm than good? how it leaves a bitter taste on the tongue, eliciting a sour expression on one's face. you thought you were doing kyung-jun a favor by keeping him ignorant about the blatant reality of your situation. you thought that maybe, if you could quietly figure things out on your own, he'd never suffer the way you had. knowing about each other's fate, how intertwined they actually are.
how a price must be paid, a debt fulfilled, in order to change his destiny.
"hyun-ho," you whisper quietly, the first sound to finally break the suffocating silence. it cuts through it like a jagged piece of glass, causing him to flinch. he looks up, worry creased eyes desperately searching your face, "please go."
hyun-ho steps forward, fingers reaching for your own, "but-"
"please." you croak out, squeezing your eyes shut so you don't have to look at him. to face the hurt flashing across his face. you hear a shuffle of movement. his hand dropping back to his side. it's followed by his quiet, hesitant footsteps. the door opening and closing shut with a soft click. kyung-jun's even breaths, inhaling and exhaling steadily into the air.
when you flutter your eyes open, kyung-jun's expression feels like a punch to the gut.
at some point in time, he finally found the ability to glance up. his sharp brown eyes rest on your face, intense and unwavering, creased with his tension and something else that's difficult to explain. it strikes you in the chest, in the space between your ribs, digging deep into your flesh.
and within that exchange, within the clenched jaw and white knuckles, a clear, unfiltered hurt passes over his expression, settling there like a permanent mark. you blink, and you aren't imagining the tears building in the corners of his eyes.
"i'm sorry," you speak carefully, trying to refrain from crumbling into a million pieces. but it feels futile when a crack in your voice echoes in the air nonetheless, "i didn't mean for this to happen. i didn't mean to hurt you."
kyung-jun swallows hard. for the first time since you've been left alone, his breath comes out shaky. the notes in his own voice break with his words, "what do you mean i can't change it?"
you glance away at his question, loathing the truth that sits on the edge of your tongue.
'i hate fate. i hate how cruel it is. how can it let a person suffer their whole life? and just when the sun starts to shine, just when it becomes a little easier to live, it takes that, too?
why can't fate just leave him alone?'
your curl your fingers around themselves, just barely pressing your nails against your thumb, "hyun-ho and i have been getting these visions."
at the sound of the boy's name and the implication that follows, kyung-jun's eyes widen imperceptivity, "what-"
"he's just like me. though he came for different reasons." you quickly explain, already anticipating the confusion kyung-jun feels and all the questions he surely carries. you wait for it, and the boy opens his mouth as if to voice it out loud, but he pauses just before. he glances away, studying the ground carefully like he's picking apart the situation and putting it back together in his mind.
when he finally meets your eyes once more, his voice is firm, his body held more certainly than before.
"tell me the truth. all of it."
you take a deep breath.
"i saw you the day of the accident," you begin. the images play back in your mind as you speak, a montage of your feelings, your thoughts, and all the sounds and sights you witnessed before everything as you knew it fell apart, "you were walking by yourself, but you looked terrible kyung-jun. and seeing that, seeing how much you were struggling," you lift up your hand, pressing your palm against your chest, curling your fingers around your heart, "something inside of me hurt for you. i just wanted to make sure you were okay."
even now it aches. it doesn't hurt exactly. not physically at least. it's much deeper than that. it's felt more vividly, too. you think if someone reached in and tried to pry it out of you, it'd still remain rooted inside your chest. as if it's a fundamental part of your being.
"i followed you into this alleyway. you weren't there when i arrived, but other people were," your voice gets a little quieter when you recall the smell of cigarette smoke, the fear shackling your limbs, a cruel smile on a man's face, "min-jun was there."
kyung-jun freezes at the familiar name. panic replaces his indignation as he hesitantly steps forward, "did he-"
"no. i managed to get away," you reassure him, noting the way kyung-jun releases a relieved breath. you take one of your own to continue, "i made it back onto the streets, and i saw you again."
a lump forms in your throat as the memory of kyung-jun in fresh bruises and covered in his own blood materializes in front of you. the ache in your heart intensifies. it's not an unfamiliar sight, kyung-jun wearing the aftermath of his fights. just the past year alone you've seen your fair share of his physical repercussions. but it never gets any easier to witness.
as long as you're alive, you never want him to be hurt like that again.
"i think they hurt you, kyung-jun. really bad. you could barely walk. you were crossing the street and-" you choke on your words, a tear slipping down your face, "you weren't paying attention. i tried calling out to you, but it didn't work."
the desperation that clung to at that time returns. it digs its claws into your flesh, sinks its teeth into your bones. it was all consuming, then and now, looming over you like a shadow you could not shake off.
"so i ran to reach you. i didn't think, i just did what i felt was right. and that was to save you."
kyung-jun sucks in a sharp breath. you note the exact moment the realization dawns upon him. how it shatters his resolve, weakens his hard defenses, reducing him to a broken shell of himself. another tear escapes from your own eyes, followed by another, and another and another.
"when i woke up, you were carrying me to the hospital. an ambulance was called, but it wasn't going to arrive in time. if you hadn't done that for me...i would've died," you step closer, reaching for his hand and cradling it in your own. you squeeze it once, firmly, insisting that he meet your eyes and listen, "you saved me, kyung-jun. i may have lost my hearing, but you saved my life."
kyung-jun stares down at your joined hands, an intense, quiet contemplation overcoming his features. with every moment that the truth sinks in, kyung-jun's eyes gloss over with unshed tears. and the hurt scorching his skin, the pain burning him, it doesn't wash away with the passing of time. if anything, it only becomes more clear.
"why would you keep something like this from me?" he finally mutters out, eyes flittering rapidly, desperately, between your own in search of the answer.
you release a soft breath, "i didn't want you to worry."
tension forms in the space between his brows. kyung-jun opens his mouth, a protest building on his tongue, but you quickly cut in before he can spit it out.
"i know. i know it's a terrible excuse. but what did you expect me to do, kyung-jun?" you cry, feeling your face grow wet with your tears, your throat aching with every word formed, "if the roles were reversed, would you have told me? would you have been able to look me in the eyes and tell me you're going to get hurt and there's nothing i can do about it?"
kyung-jun doesn't respond, and perhaps he knows you're right. perhaps deep down he understands your actions. in another world, in another timeline, it was you that died young, and he who traveled through time to save you. and in that universe, it was him holding back his tears and you who suffered the truth.
"these visions. what do you mean by that?" he questions.
"i've been getting them almost every night. it shows me glimpses of the future. i think the outcome of the accident is different. i must have changed things too much. hyun-ho keeps dreaming about me getting hurt, and i dream that..." you pause, averting your eyes, "i dream that you die sooner than you're supposed to."
kyung-jun grows quiet. you feel his fingers tighten around your own, as if to ground himself, and you're the only thing keeping him tethered to the earth.
"i think the gang you used to be a part of has something to do with it. they're connected to both our outcomes, one way or another."
kyung-jun bites down harder on his cheek. a flicker of frustration comes to life, starting off as a flame, threatening to burst into a raging fire, "are they the ones who kill me in the future?"
you numbly nod, "i think so."
"fuck," kyung-jun curses. he laughs in disbelief, a hollow sound that carries a negative connotation. the sort of note that signifies the start of an unraveling destruction, "those fucking bastards."
you watch as kyung-jun steps away. how he runs a hand frustratingly through his hair. the way the tic in his jaw jumps every couple seconds. the shape his eyes make, narrowed and sharp, jagged edges that cut through the silence.
"i never asked because it felt like a touchy subject but..." you trail off, struggling to find a way to put it carefully in a way that wouldn't cause any unnecessary distress. kyung-jun glances up, staring at you quietly as he awaits your next words, "how do you know them?"
kyung-jun glances away for a brief moment. it only happens for a second, but it's enough to make it clear to you. that the topic of the people he used to associate with is one he would prefer to keep buried. you part your lips to take the words back, to apologize, but kyung-jun is speaking before you can right your mistake.
"i used to buy cigarettes from them. in the beginning, it was nothing more than that. half the time the exchanges weren't even face to face. sometimes they'd leave a pack somewhere for me to find, and i'd take it and leave the money behind."
he pauses, and you swear you see a flash of regret reflect in his soft brown eyes. they flutter shut, and when he opens them, the vulnerability is gone.
"but then they started asking me to hangout. to smoke, to drink..." he exhales shakily, "i was a dumb kid angry at the world. i only did it because it was better than facing the person i'd become. and when i finally found a reason to leave," he scoffs, "well, you saw how that turned out."
all the times kyung-jun showed up covered in dark bruises. dragging his limbs like he carried too much weight. the scabs on his knuckles. the rough edges of his features. appearing worse for wear.
you think of the day you saw it for yourself. how suffocating the air felt being stuck in that karaoke room. the unease that prickled the back of your neck. the broken glass scattered across the floor.
in the original timeline, how many times did min-jun try to keep kyung-jun close until he finally gave in? you assume the reason that kyung-jun stopped showing up to school after the accident was because of him. he'd finally found a reason that would make kyung-jun stay. enough to make the boy remain in his grasp despite how much it tormented him, even if it killed him. and in the end, it had.
"do you ever recover?" kyung-jun asks suddenly. his words come out rushed at first, then quiet down to a hesitant whisper, "do you ever...play music again?"
you squeeze your eyes shut. force the tears to settle down. swallow thickly to let it pass, "no. i had to give it up."
the anguish that morphs kyung-jun's features sucks all the air from your lungs. it rips your heart to shreds. breaks all the composure you had carefully built. the tears rush down your face rapidly with no signs of stopping, blurring your vision and turning kyung-jun into a watery, distorted version of himself.
"it's my fault isn't it?" he croaks, voice thick with emotion, "i ruined your life."
"no. no," you rush forward and press your hands against his cheeks, turning his face to your own, "don't you ever for a second think that way. none of it was your fault. i'd do it all over again for the same outcome if it meant keeping you alive."
kyung-jun peers down at you, blinking rapidly to prevent the tears from slipping. he exhales shakily, his throat bobbing as he swallows hard as a response to the words you poured for him and the emotion he took from it.
"kyung-jun," you mumble gently, brushing your thumb lightly against his cheekbones, "listen to me. it's going to happen soon. i don't know when, but it will. and when it does, it's going to end up with either you dead or me going deaf," you lower your voice to a whisper, a sad smile forming on your lips, "you need to promise me that you won't prevent it."
as soon as he registers your request, what it would entail to fulfill it, kyung-jun twists his face bewilderment, a sign of his protest. he recoils, trying to pull away, "no. that's bullshit. you don't even know if that's true."
"no, but i feel it," you respond, coaxing him back. he doesn't fight the movements, and you think that's the first sign of his defeat. the moment ko kyung-jun starts to accept the world for what it is, "i feel like that's what it's come to."
he shakes his head, trying to stay defiant until the end, even if his heart wavers, "we can change it. get hyun-ho involved, i don't fucking care, just-"
"kyung-jun."
he squeezes his eyes shut when he hears the soft way you utter his name. how the syllables carry your tenderness, all the love you hold in your heart for him. he hears all the things you cannot say, but he understands, even if he doesn't want to.
kyung-jun puts his palms over your own, keeping your touch against his face.
"do you realize what you're asking me? i can't just...i can't just sit back and watch you get hurt. and what about snu? what about your violin? music is everything to you."
"you are everything to me."
kyung-jun flinches, but not in the way the reaction is usually elicited. not in fear. not in pain. it stems from being told something you could never quite believe. something you could never fathom, barely grasping it in your hands. but the moment the truth is revealed, the moment your fingers touch the flame, you realize the permanency of it, everything it means, and everything it could affect.
"i lost you once kyung-jun, and i didn't even know you, but it destroyed me. if i lost you again, especially now that i love you, i can't even begin to imagine how it'd feel," you lean forward, and kyung-jun lowers his head in response. your foreheads press gently against the other. you can feel his breath against your skin, the warmth of his proximity, "i think it'd kill me."
kyung-jun starts to tremble. his shoulders shake, his fingers, still engulfing your hand, twitch and quiver. you pull back, feeling your own sobs rack your body when you see the tears falling down his face. how unrestrained it is, his emotion, his vulnerability, clearly on display for you to see.
"please don't cry," you croak out, brushing away his tears with your thumbs, "it breaks my heart to see you like this. it's going to be okay. i'll be okay. i promise."
your reassurances do nothing to calm down kyung-jun's ragged breathing, a fact that twists your stomach uncomfortably. you lean forward, press your lips against his cheeks delicately, cradling him like he's something that could break. you taste the saltiness of his tears, feel how warm they are, how his breath hitches with each careful contact you make to take his pain as your own.
"kyung-jun," he looks down at you. his eyes are shaped with his hurt, rimmed red and glistening. you smile softly, then tug him forward into a firm hug. his arms immediately wrap around your frame, holding you tightly as if afraid to let go. you curl your fingers around his shirt, pressing your face against his shoulder. when you speak, you mumble it into his ear, "i came here because i wanted you to live a full and happy life. let me finish what i started."
-
the world feels a little too quiet as of late.
as christmas passes, you're surrounded by warmth. you press hot mugs against your lips, taste peppermint and chocolate on your tongue. you peer up at twinkling lights, the soft colors of red, green, blue, yellow and purple reflecting beautifully upon dark brown eyes. you slip into fuzzy socks and wool sweaters, fingers tearing through wrapped presents and pulling out tissue paper.
and kyung-jun. you watch the way snowflakes catch the tips of his eyelashes. how his cheeks flush red in the cold, deepening with every kiss you press against his face. how your love for him grows and grows, filling every hollow space within your body.
it's almost enough to make you forget about the future. when you lay curled beside his tall frame, cushioned by pillows and wrapped in blankets to brave the bitter cold, you can push away the anxious pit in your stomach. the paranoia poisoning your mind. you can pretend like the world didn't shift in its trajectory that night his tears spilled into your palms and you had to taste the bitter truth.
the end of the year comes before you realize it's here. when the holidays pass, it creeps up on you unexpectedly. you thought you'd be prepared for it, the end, but that's not a fact you can confirm with certainty. if anything, as you cross out the boxes of your calendar, you feel something akin to disappointment.
you find yourself in a grocery store not far from your house. the sun dips towards the horizon, transforming the sky into a blend of golden light and hazy red. the cold is still as harsh as before, prompting you to cover your face with a large fluffy scarf and to wrap your fingers in matching gloves. you were reluctant to run the errand so late in the day, but your mother insisted that now was the best time to do so. less people around she claimed, or something like that.
as you exit the doors, you shiver at the cold gust of wind that blows across your cheeks. you hurry down the street, joining the small crowd of people at the light. as you wait, you adjust the weight of the bags in your hands, distributing it evenly amongst both your arms. when you hear the beep indicating it was safe for pedestrians to cross, you glance up.
you falter slightly at the sight that greets you at the far end of the crosswalk. you recognize him immediately. how can you not when you've stared into that exact shade of brown almost everyday? memorized every dip and slope of his features, the exact way his lips curl into a smile.
you rush across the road, pausing in front of your boyfriend with a surprised smile.
"what are you doing here?" you ask breathlessly, either a product of being winded by the excursion, or something else that makes your heart ache a little inside your chest whenever he's near.
"i stopped by your house, but your mom said you were out. i came to help."
"you could've waited for me there. i was just on my way home."
kyung-jun releases a short breath, leaning down to grab the objects in your hands, "just give me the bags."
you release them without much protest, envying the way he effortlessly carries the bulk of it in one hand. with his free one, he reaches for your fingers, curling them around your own. when he starts tugging you gently down the street, a smile twitches the corners of your mouth.
by that point in time, the sun has disappeared, replaced by the moon. it's large and full, shining down gently with a soft, silver light. paired with the thick blanket of snow surrounding you, it's beautiful in a haunting way. it feels like you've been transported into another world. an enchanting terrain with countless possibilities.
"it's pretty." you mumble quietly, not quite sure what you're referring to. but kyung-jun seems to understand, tipping his head slightly in acknowledgment as he spares you a quick glance.
"yeah."
the snow crunches beneath your feet. your footsteps are left behind, your figures engraved semi permanently into the earth. at least until the next snow falls, or someone comes by to remove it. the thought makes you think of the moon. how the shape and size of someone's shoe is left there, a mark of their existence, proof that at some point in time, they were a living, breathing form.
"how long do you think you have?" kyung-jun breaks the silence. you both turn to each other at the same time, resting gentle gazes upon one another's faces.
"until when?"
"until you go back to your time."
you hum thoughtfully, glancing up at the sky, "i don't know. i'm not even sure what will happen to me when i'm gone," you purse your lips, beginning to mumble quietly to yourself, "will i remember everything? maybe only certain bits? or will i forget everything that happened?"
kyung-jun remains quiet. you spare a glance in his direction, seeing the contemplative state he's put himself in. you squeeze his hand, garnering his attention. when he fixates his attention on your form, you flash him a smile.
"i think i know one thing for certain though."
kyung-jun tilts his head in confusion, "what is that?"
you stop, the abrupt halt of your movements making him pause as well. he blinks, his confusion growing the longer you allow the silence to settle. you angle your body to face him fully, speaking evenly, firmly, as if stating a well known fact, "i'll always love you. that's a memory that cannot be erased."
kyung-jun eyes widen slightly, before smoothing down into something soft and tender. a red flushes his cheeks, creeping down his neck and up his ears. you laugh softly at the sight, leaning up and pressing a gentle, lingering kiss upon his cheek. he exhales at the touch, all the tension pulled from his body.
you resume your stride once more, only pausing to greet your neighbors returning to their own homes and to stare at a bird that swoops down into a branch, shaking a pile of snow onto the ground.
you don't stop until you reach the small park in the center of your neighborhood. there are no kids present, it being far too dark and cold to play. you spot a small snowman next to the swing set. it's a small lump of different sized rocks and too short sticks. it's pathetic, really, but in an endearing way. one that makes you want to protect it at all costs.
you tug on kyung-jun's hand, nodding your head towards the creation, "let's fix it."
"now? we're almost home." he protests, eyeing the sad pile of snow wearily.
"i want the kids to see it in the morning." you pout, pleading with him. kyung-jun holds his ground only for a moment longer before caving in with a huff. you grin at his defeat, pulling him along eagerly.
kyung-jun deposits the grocery bags on the sidewalk, where snow has not yet reached, and joins you on the soft cushion of snow around the snowman. you begin making quick work of adding more heaps of snow around the base, rounding it out with your hands, kyung-jun working silently beside you.
as you begin working on the middle section, kyung-jun starts looking around for a better pair of sticks. by the time you're done fixing the head, he returns with two large ones that branch out into something that resembles tiny hands. you exchange the limbs, then arrange the rocks to form a crooked smile.
kyung-jun inspects the newly formed figure. then, he unwraps the scarf around his neck and wraps it around the head.
a warm feeling spreads across your body at the selfless act, the tender way he adjusts the piece of clothing, "not bad. our future kids will be pleased to know their dad is capable of helping them make a snowman."
"kids? as in plural?" he muses.
"yup. i want at least two. one boy and one girl. and they will be similar in age. no big gaps."
"you have it all figured out, huh?" he chuckles, sitting back to admire your work. his eye twinkle in the night, making your breath catch in your lungs. you nod slightly.
"i even have names picked out. want to hear them?"
a grin curls his lips, lighting up every inch of his features. he leans back, urging you to continue, "alright, go ahead."
your grin widens, a soft laugh slipping past your teeth, echoing in the empty park. you reach over, brushing the snow off his shoulders, shaking it from his strands. the cold continues to nip at your cheeks, but you hardly feel it. not because you've grown numb to the temperature, but because you're surrounded by so much warmth, physical and metaphorical, that you hardly notice the way it sinks into your body.
you part your lips to respond, only for any and all words to die in your throat when your body is seized by a vision.
this one is different from the ones you had while you were asleep. this time, you know you're awake. you still feel the frigid chill. the soft cushioning of snow beneath your legs. and everything around you looks the same. the abandoned playground. the snowman to your right.
but slowly, the scene around you starts to change.
there's a puddle of blood beneath your body. it stains the blank, white canvas, marring the untouched perfection of it. you hear distant sound of sobs in your ears, a wretched noise that clenches your heart.
and pain.
it erupts within your own body, causing you to release a choked gasp. you shift back, instinctively pressing your hands against the root of it, but your slight movement makes it disappear. the phantom sounds echoing in your head and the sticky, warm substance is gone without a trace, as if it wasn't there in the first place.
"what's wrong?" kyung-jun asks worriedly, laying a hand on your shoulder as he searches your face.
your mouth grows dry, unable to formulate a response. something buzzes within your pocket. your phone. you shakily pull it out, squinting at the bright screen. on the home screen are a bunch of missed calls from hyun-ho, followed by a string of texts. the sight of it fills you with dread.
"what is it?" kyung-jun asks again.
"something is wrong. this...this isn't right." you mumble numbly.
fear stabs you in the chest, striking you in the ribs. it seizes a tight hold over your body, suffocating you completely. get out get out get out. danger danger danger. you scramble to your feet, your fingers grasping at kyung-jun's jacket to pull him up.
"we have to go. we have to-"
"kyung-jun."
you both freeze at the voice. you recognize the notes. the sound it makes in the air. it's the same as hitting a drum too hard. running the bow down the violin too harshly. it scratches the inside of your ears, making one flinch at the ragged breaks it produces.
min-jun stands several feet away. his hands are hidden inside his pockets, the sort of smile that causes a chill to rush down your spine resting on his lips. and his eyes, they are bright with delight, but hidden in the falsely joyous emotion is something dangerous.
"long time no see. are you having fun?" his eyes slide over to your own, and it only takes him a second to recognize you. when it hits him, his smile widens, eyes brightening in response, "oh? it's you again."
kyung-jun scrambles to his feet, standing tall as he slightly blocks your path and effectively keeps you out of min-jun's view. he clenches his jaw, glaring intensely in the man's direction. min-jun spits out a laugh.
"just as shy as before, huh?" he leans to the side, trying to catch your eye, "hey, we aren't exactly strangers now, are we? you did hit me with a soju bottle. that fucking hurt you know."
without breaking eye contact, kyung-jun shuffles back slightly to put more distance between you and the older man. you glance back, pressing closer to kyung-jun when you notice three more men standing several feet away. they are spread out evenly, making escape nearly impossible. their smiles grow when they realize you've recognized that fact.
'shit. what do we do?'
as discreetly as possible, you pull pull your phone from your pocket. your shaking hands click the button, lighting up the screen. you only manage to press on one of hyun-ho's missed calls before the device is snatched from your hands.
"hey, she's trying to call someone." he announces, holding up the device.
kyung-jun turns around, shoving the man back, "get your fucking hands off of her."
the man stumbles slightly at the force, releasing a curse as his body threatens to crash towards the ground. his arms flail out to prevent himself from falling, and when he manages to regain his balance, he shoots kyung-jun a sharp look, curling his lips into a sneer. in his hands, the screen lights up when the call connects, followed by hyun-ho's voice. but before you can call out, the man presses the red button.
min-jun cackles, clapping his hands once, excitedly, as he glances between the two of you, "it's cute seeing you all protective kyung-jun," he fixes his attention on a certain point behind you, an unreadable look reflected in his eyes. his expression grows dark, his smile slipping from his face as he nods his head towards where you stand, "grab her."
terror floods through your body. all at once, the three men march towards you, their slow, even footsteps building in intensity with every second that passes. as they get closer to your position, kyung-jun once again pushes you behind him, serving as a barrier between you and the three gang members.
when the first one approaches, kyung-jun wastes no time in throwing a punch. the man staggers back, clutching his jaw with a low groan. the second man he swings his fist towards is quicker, blocking it with their arm. kyung-jun grits his teeth, lifting up his other hand to perform the same action. the man grabs his wrist and twists it, causing kyung-jun to cry out in pain. as he stumbles back, the third man approaches, kicking him forcefully to the ground.
his body lands with a soft thud across the snow.
you rush towards him, only to get pulled back by the first man. he circles his arms around your body, locking your arms by your side. you scream and kick at him, doing anything within your power to break free, but his strength overpowers your own.
min-jun steps towards kyung-jun, peering down at him with a cruel smile, "let's teach you a little lesson, hm? you know what we do to members who fall out of line," he looks up, nodding his head towards the other two men as he steps back, "go ahead."
the next sequence of events makes your desperation build, wave after wave, drowning you in the stifling consistency of it.
kyung-jun staggers to his feet, doing his best to avoid the punches thrown and attempting to land some blows of his own. and he's successful in the beginning, holding his ground. but he's outnumbered, and his wrist is starting to swell up, putting him at a clear disadvantage.
the first punch to his face produces blood. it strikes him in the center of his nose, causing him to step back and blink rapidly as tears form within his eyes. the next kick strikes him in the ribs, taking all the air in his body as he wheezes out a cough. another one hits his ankles, and ko kyung-jun falls to the ground. he clutches his body, his face twisted in pain, eyes squeezed shut.
"stop it! stop it please! leave him alone," you sob, struggling in the man's grip once more. you channel all your strength into each movement, trying to land your kicks on his knees, pushing up against his arms, but it only makes him grunt with the effort of keeping you in place. it's not enough, you think helplessly, he's going to die at this rate, "kyung-jun!"
"shut the fuck up bitch." he mutters.
the two men, along with min-jun, start taking turns sending swift kicks to kyung-jun's body. the boy covers his head with his arms, curling in on himself to soften the blows as much as possible. but each wince that crosses over his face, each pained noise produced from his throat is clear as day, stabbing repeatedly within your heart.
your sobs echo in the air, blending with the sound of snow being disturbed, kicks landing on a poor boy's body, and the grunts that are produced from each party's vocal cords. you don't want to watch the scene unfold, but you're afraid that if you look away, kyung-jun will be gone the next moment.
please. someone. anyone. i'm begging you. stop this. i'll do anything. i'll pay any price. make any bargain. just don't hurt him anymore.
"fuck!"
the man releases you, bending forward as he clutches painfully at his head. you stagger a couple steps, regaining your balance as you straighten and turn around. you blink bewilderedly in the man's direction, dragging your eyes from his cursing form to the boy standing where you used to stand.
"hyun-ho." you breathe out in relief, a sob being wrenched from your throat. you take in his current state, his ragged breathing and the small rock in his lifted hand. he drops it, inspecting you carefully for a brief moment before rushing towards kyung-jun.
"stay there!" he calls out, his loud voice causing one of the men to briefly glance up. he only gets a moment to widen his eyes in shock before hyun-ho is sending a calculated kick to his stomach, striking a weak point that makes him clutch the tender spot. he's momentarily weakened by the unbearable pain, which buys the boy enough time to adjust his position.
min-jun and the second man stop their actions, turning their attention towards your friend. hyun-ho waits until they step towards him, locking his eyes on the first opening that presents itself. for the second man, it's failing to take into consideration how exposed he becomes when he throws a punch. hyun-ho easily dodges it, pivoting on his heel as he grabs a hold of his arm and yanks down. the man is thrown off balance, landing on the floor with a surprised yelp.
the first man has regained his composure, returning hyun-ho's initial attack with a kick of his own. hyun-ho grabs his ankle, holding him still as he swipes his foot under the other man's shoe. he also goes crashing towards the ground with a groan.
finally, only min-jun is left. he's a bit smarter about his actions. he doesn't blindly rush forward. instead. he throws punches in directions that force hyun-ho to block, giving him no time to grab hold of his body. hyun-ho clenches jaw, flitting his eyes rapidly across each inch of min-jun's body to find an opening. he bounces on his feet, keeping his fingers curled into fists and his arms lifted in front of his face.
"you're pretty good kid. you an athlete?" min-jun breathes heavily, wiping a trail of blood away from his lips.
"judo olympian candidate." hyun-ho responds cockily, making min-jun's face pale slightly.
his hesitancy is enough.
hyun-ho moves quickly. he wraps both his legs around min-jun's right limb, grabbing a fistful of his shirt. he throws his weight against him, forcing them to tumble towards the ground. min-jun's back hits the snow, his eyes blinking up in a daze. hyun-ho turns around, presses his knee against his chest, making oxygen scarce in his lungs as he presses harder and harder. he doesn't let up until min-jun's face grows red and tears stream down his face from the lack of air.
he gets up, scanning each man on the ground, defeated and in pain. when he's satisfied by the outcome, he walks over to kyung-jun, who has now lowered his arms. he glances up at hyun-ho, a little bleary and confused, but he sags a little against the ground when he recognizes him. hyun-ho peers down at him, considering his state for a moment.
then, he holds out his hand. an offer. one that holds many meanings.
kyung-jun stares at his outstretched palm for several moments. he switches his attention between the limb and hyun-ho's face, slightly reluctant to accept his help. but then kyung-jun studies him more thoughtfully, and whatever he sees, whatever conclusion that surfaces to mind, makes him press his palm flat over his own.
their fingers curl around each other, and ko kyung-jun lets hyun-ho pull him up into a standing position.
the moment is broken by a string of curses. the three of you turn towards min-jun, who stumbles to his feet. his face is twisted in rage, his teeth revealed behind the sneer that forms on his lips. the other three men have gotten up and run off, leaving him alone. one hand clutches his chest, his breathing still labored and ragged, while the other reaches into his pocket. he pulls out an object, the metal glistening in the moonlight.
a gun.
before any of you can react, the barrel is pointed in kyung-jun's direction. all three of you freeze, not moving a muscle, barely even breathing, as you stare down at the weapon.
"you stupid fucking brats," he rasps, his voice strained and broken. he settles his attention on the boy at the other end of the gun, a hollow laugh slipping past his teeth, "you think you're better than me kyung-jun? we're the same, you and i. just some low lives who find comfort in pain. you don't get to just leave when i took you under my wing,"
he presses his thumb on a latch. a click is heard, echoing in your ears.
"i'll ruin your life, and then i'll fucking kill you."
time slows to a stop when you hear the gunshot. it pops with a deafening volume, rattling in your bones, shaking the entire earth. you see how kyung-jun's eyes barely widen. how hyun-ho's lips shape into a yell. how min-jun's finger locks down on the trigger.
how at the last second, the gun turned in your direction.
you glance down at your stomach. a dark, red stain is visible across your sweater, spreading out as the fabric soaks up the blood. you press your hand against the wound, vaguely feeling the distant throb that accompanies the slight pressure. your trembling fingers come back with blood, the warm, sticky substance making the reality of your situation hit harder than before.
did i get it wrong? all this time, did i misread the message fate was trying to send? did i underestimate the price one has to pay for a life? for kyung-jun's life?
slowly, you look back up at the boy. from beside him, hyun-ho has kicked the gun out of min-jun's hand. the moment the weapon hits the snow, the man runs off into the distance, followed by your friend.
time is steadily returning to its normal pace. the adrenaline coursing through your body disappears as the pain burns you up from the inside. the flames lick across your wounds, flickering aggressively as it take the life inside of you for it's own, it's greediness consuming you entirely.
kyung-jun starts towards you just as you fall to the ground.
you don't make a sound as you land against the soft snow. you barely affect the world with your collision, as if you mean nothing against the extravagancy of it all. the only sign of your disturbance is the pained whimper that rips from your throat and the blood that pools beneath your body.
kyung-jun drops down to his knees right beside you. his eyes waver as they lock onto your stomach, his hands hesitantly hovering over your frail body. the longer the silence settles, the longer kyung-jun takes in the sight of your labored breathing and pale, trembling form, he breaks and breaks until there's nothing left to be broken.
"no," he gasps, carefully lifting you up so you're cradled against his chest, "no no no-"
"kyung-jun." you whisper, wincing when he applies pressure on your wound. a cry escapes you, the tormented sound making him retract immediately. when he pulls back, his hands are coated completely in the dark substance, making his eyes widen in horror. his fingers start trembling uncontrollably.
"shit. fuck." he freezes for a moment, staring at the copious amount of blood and what it means.
he blinks, hastily reaching for his phone and dialing a number. you hear him yelling something to the person on the other line, frustrated tears spilling down his cheeks as his voice gets louder and louder, more desperate and strangled.
they must give him instructions, for he lays a firm hand on your wound. a scream is ripped from your throat, the throbbing injury burning hotter than before, like flames fueled by the disturbance, curling around torn flesh. his expression is apologetic, but he doesn't pull away this time.
"it hurts." you choke out, weakly attempting to push his hand off.
his eyes snap to your own, "i know," he swallows thickly, delicately pressing a palm behind your head, holding you closer, "i know. help is on the way okay? so just...just keep your eyes open. can you do that for me?"
kyung-jun's request is difficult to perform, for you can feel sleep coaxing you into its warm embrace. each time you succumb to it, the pain ebbs away, and all your exhaustion gets carried into someone else's arms. it would be so easy to give in. to simply disappear so you don't have to feel anymore. but despite the enticing offer, you nod, blinking rapidly to fight against the dark dots dancing in your vision, gritting your teeth to push down the agonizing ache in your body.
"i'm scared." you whisper as you feel your vitality slipping, the time left in your life falling like sand through your fingers. you try to hold on, to defy fate in order to remain present with kyung-jun.
'don't take me away. not yet. i'm not ready yet.'
"i won't leave you," kyung-jun croaks out, his lips trembling along with his words, which come out shaky and ragged. more frustrated tears run down his face, and you'd think he was angry if he wasn't holding you so gently, if his sobs weren't so coated in his agony, "i'm here, so don't you dare leave me. don't you fucking dare."
'i'm trying kyung-jun. i'm trying, but i don't know if i can do that anymore. i'm so tired. i'm so cold.'
you must've slipped away momentarily, for you feel your body start to shake, a warm, trembling hand pressed against your cheek. your eyelids feel so heavy, but you crack them open, spotting kyung-jun's panic stricken face. he's yelling something, but it sounds muffled in your ears, like your head has been dunked underwater. but you can see the shape of his anguish, how it forms in his throat, creasing the corners of his eyes.
'don't cry. please don't cry. i can't stand the sight of it.'
you part your lips to speak, forcing the words out despite how hard it is to do so. to use your remaining energy. but you have to do it. you have to speak your one desire out loud before time slips away, "my wish."
kyung-jun is confused for a brief moment, but as soon as the words click, and why you choose to say them, he shakes his head insistently, "stop-"
"don't forget it."
"i can't do that without you. i can't."
you lift up your hand, curling your fingers around the sleeve of his sweater. you tug on the fabric, urgency in your actions, in the syllables you create, "promise me."
"no. i won't."
"please."
kyung-jun falters. his eyes flit rapidly between your own, his head shaking ever so slightly as a sign of his denial. is it for the promise you're begging him to make? to reject the possibility that you may die, despite how prominently it is seen in the blood on the snow and felt in your cold, clammy skin?
he leans down, pressing his forehead against your own. you sigh a little at the contact, closing your eyes as you drink in his proximity. his presence in your life.
"you said you'd be okay. you promised me." he rasps, which is quickly followed by a choked sob.
somehow, you're able to lift up your arm and lay your palm against his cheek, brushing away the tears he releases with no restraint. his hands clasps over your own, holding you there, not allowing you to leave him just quite yet. the wish bracelet around your wrist catches your eye, his fingers barely brushing the fabric.
'i wish for you to live a full and happy life.'
kyung-jun's wish for you that day echoes back in your mind. it makes you cry, the thought of it, and how deeply it impacted you.
'i wish the same for you kyung-jun. i wish for it with my whole heart. and i wish for more. i wish that you'll always know the gentle warmth of the sun. i wish for your smiles. your bubble of laughter. i wish for life to give you a break, to allow you to find peace in the world.
and i wish i could be there with you. to be the reason your life is never empty of anything. why your cup always full, the taste of it always sweet.
i wish to love you, just one more time.'
you can't stop it before it happens. you struggle against it, the grip that takes hold of you, forcing you down into its depths. you try to reject fate, to decline the outcome that has fallen upon you.
but your vision fades, your hearing going along with it. and pretty soon, your sense of feeling is gone as well. you can no longer feel the burn in your stomach, the warm, wet tears sliding down your face, mixture of kyung-jun's and your own.
you last thing you're aware of is your hand slipping away, a taut string stretched in response to kyung-jun's resistance.
you feel the bracelet snap.
and your time in the past has run out.
Notes:
yeah. uhm. so. i know it looks bad, but even though winter is over, there is still ONE final chapter of the main storyline left. so don't strangle me yet pls. i love you guys i swear. you gotta have faith in me and the outcome of the story.
Chapter 25: seasons of love
Chapter Text
a sprout rises from the soil. it's a small stem with a pair of frail leaves, nurtured by gentle sunlight and cautious fingers. you coax it out of the earth, urging it to blossom into something new. something that takes root in your heart, heard before it is recognized.
love.
how beautiful it is. the way it takes the form of a flower, growing as time passes and two souls learn the rhythm of each other's breaths, the sound their voice makes, every subtle shift of their form.
and there's something else there, too. when life goes dark, and you feel helpless against the trajectory of your path. but you see green in the cracks of the sidewalk, actively defying the obstacles trying to break them.
hope.
that's what it feels like. the beginning of life. the opportunity to bend fate at your will. to tread down a different path.
"did you have fun?"
you blink away from the growing stem, exchanging the soft pink petals for the expanse of black that surrounds you. a place where the sun doesn't reach, and a cold chill settles in your bones.
"did you enjoy messing with fate? tampering with things you weren't supposed to?"
"please," you mumble, straightening your posture, curling your fingers around your heart as if to keep it whole, "did i change it? does kyung-jun get to live?"
"he does. but there comes a price."
"a price?"
"a certain balance must be maintained in this world. an eye for an eye. a life for a life."
rather than feel crushed by a fact you already knew, you feel relieved. you exhale shakily, fluttering your eyes close as you drop your hands, "i understand."
"you don't care? even if it's your life you must trade for his own?"
you shift your focus back to the flower. it's in full bloom now. the petals unfurl to reveal bright, vibrant hues of pink, red and white. it stands tall against the ground, as if certain in its position. the role it play in the world.
"i love him. i've lived in a world without him once. i can't do it again. i just can't." you whisper.
it grows quiet. you watch as the flower starts to wilt. the petals fall one by one, fluttering to the ground without a sound. when it shrivels up and dies, your heart goes along with it.
"very well," you feel a soft press against your face, brushing down your eyelids, gentle hands coaxing you into the warmth, "then close your eyes and sleep."
you let the feeling wash over you, exhaling quietly into the cold, wet earth. you cradle the tender affection in your heart, keeping it close to your body, refusing to let it go.
somewhere in the dark, the petals sink into the ground. and in time, a seed cracks open, and a sprout rises from the soil.
Notes:
ONE MORE CHAPTER AND THEN THIS STORY IS DONE RAHHHH I CAN'T BELIEVE IT thank you all who stuck around until the end i'm sad to let this story go but i'm excited to work on other stuff. i'll see you next week with the finale.
Chapter 26: twenty one
Chapter Text
THE PRESENT
you wake up slowly in the beginning.
and as your mind is stuck between the past and the future, lost in the stretch of time, it all starts to feel like some distant dream.
the past leaves a mark on you that lingers even as you try to escape it. you're surrounded by darkness, so you're unable to see the last images of your memory before you're pulled away. but you can still hear it. ragged sobs that shatter through the space. a wish mumbled insistently beneath ones breath. your name, repeated over and over again, the sound of it growing more desperate each time it's formed.
and you can feel it. the pain consuming your body, spreading like wildfire across your skin. it burns in your stomach, the spark of the fire, and it eats away at your flesh, scorching everything it touches until nothing remains.
there is a kinder warmth, too. the gentle press of someone's fingers on your cheek, cradling you against their chest. you feel the pounding of a drum against your ear, which sits right over their heart. THUMP THUMP THUMP. the rhythm of it is rapid and uneven, carrying no melody that you can recognize. but it's soothing, the familiarity of the beats, how it feels reverberating in your skull like a song you've felt before.
you can taste the dryness of your mouth. the remaining bitterness on your tongue. the salt of tears, not quite your own. you smell blood, the metallic scent of it prominent in the air, heavy against the atmosphere with its weight.
but then it all fades. one by one, carried away by the hands of the clock as you slip further into the abyss. the more you try to hold onto it, desperate to stay tethered to that particular plane of the earth, the harder it becomes to remain in that reality. the sounds become muffled, the feeling goes numb, and all traces of the smells and tastes disappear.
as you float towards a different time, you start to wonder.
was it even real?
or will you find yourself curled in your bed, clutching a lighter that isn't yours and wishing for something impossible?
the details slowly get replaced by something else. you feel the soft cushions of a pillow beneath your bed, the warmth of the sun against your cheek. you smell food wafting through the air, cooked rice and eggs that make your mouth water. you hear the rustle of movement in the kitchen, the metal of pots and pans clinking together, soft footsteps padding against the floor. you listen to the birds chirping outside, their sweet songs luring nature into the morning. into a waking, present state.
you don't realize it at first. the singular detail that stands out against the rest, because it fits so perfectly into your life you don't even question its presence. but as you slowly stir awake, hearing your low groan echo in the air, it hits you with startling awareness.
'i can hear?'
your eyes snap open at the same time your body shoots up into a sitting position. you flit your attention rapidly around the room, taking in the sight of each familiar corner. your sheer curtains billowing in the wind. your desk filled with open notebooks and scattered pens. your small bookshelf covered in trophies and medals from your music competitions.
it's obvious where you are. your room looks almost exactly the same, the space undisturbed since you left it nearly a year ago. so much so, you start to doubt whether any of it were real. whether you were trying to hold onto something that was never there in the first place.
but there's no doubt about the sounds registering in your brain. it's loud and clear, unable to be mistaken for a phantom touch, the feeling of longing for a memory you can never experience again. you slowly lift up your hand, your trembling fingers brushing against the delicate cartilage. your snap your fingers. once, twice, then another just to be safe. you hear each and every sound produced by the swift motion.
you blink, the weight of the situation sinking in as the seconds pass. you lower your arm, staring blankly at the wall as you work through the jumble of thoughts running through your mind. you carefully pick through the pieces, fitting each one together into a visible picture.
one thing becomes clear as you grow aware of the fact that this is not another dream.
because if this is the present, then you shouldn't be able to hear. your world should be silent, filled with nothing but a distant ringing that you can never tune out.
but that is not the current case, so the question remains.
how are you able to hear?
and how are you alive?
'did i really change things? somehow, someway, was i able to escape the debts of my actions and still return with the outcome i wished for?'
you recall the the distant details of what you assumed was a dream. it starts to feel fuzzy now, each memory filled with static, blurred over with the inevitable passing of time. a natural consequence that not even something intangible can escape.
you remember the snow. how it felt nipping at your cheeks. the way it caught at the end of kyung-jun's lashes. his soft, rosy cheeks.
you remember his frail body on the floor, curled in on itself to protect against the dangerous blows to his body, each kick dealt with more force than before.
you remember hyun-ho's quick, swift movements. the sound of each body thudding against the ground when he found their weak points and took advantage of their defenseless figures.
you remember the glint of the metal gun in the moonlight. how it shone in the silver light, the tranquil night shattered by the bullet piercing through the air, landing right in your stomach.
you choke out a gasp, your body tightening with a sudden jolt as it's hit with the reminder of the pain. you hastily throw your blanket off, lifting up the hem of your shirt to stare down at your stomach. but there is no blood, not like before. instead, a patch of jagged tissue sits on the left side of your navel, almost completely healed over. your fingers trace the round circle, the small indent the exact size and shape of the bullet. you stare at it with a hint of wonder, unable to comprehend its existence on your body, a mark for what occurred that night.
the door creaks open, startling you into dropping your hands and whipping your head towards the source of the sound. your mother stands at the doorway, looking the same as before with the exception of an additional number of silver strands in her hair. but time has not changed her smile, nor the particular note of her voice as she speaks. in another life, you'd have given up everything to hear it again. and now, you can.
"oh good, you're awake," she notes simply, as if confirming something she already knew. she almost turns to leave, but pauses by the doorway, slowing turning her head back around. her eyes take in the state of your appearance, narrowed slightly in suspicion, and you think she'll acknowledge the wide set of your eyes, or question the way your lips hang open in disbelief. instead, she pulls her lips into a frown, "why aren't you dressed? you'll be late for class."
"huh?" you reply dumbfoundedly, not quite registering her words or what they mean. you're hit with a vague sense of deja vu, but you can't quite place your finger on why it feels so familiar.
she squints, her tone taking on a more accusatory note as she crosses her arms over her chest, "did you forget you have school today?"
"no i just..." you trail off, scanning the room for a clue as to what she's referring to. your calendar is no longer pinned to the wall, and you don't know where your phone is, "what's today?"
your mother sighs, closing her eyes for a brief moment like she needs to compose herself, "did you stay up late practicing again?" when you fail to answer, she clicks her tongue in disappointment, "snu is giving you too much work. that's why you need to sleep and eat properly so you can work hard. no more staying up late at night. you hear me?"
her lighthearted threat goes in one ear and out the other. your brain only catches one word, latching onto the syllables with a grip so tight there's no way it'll slip through your fingers.
snu. seoul national university.
in this timeline, you can hear, which means you never had to turn down the offer of your dreams. in this life, you're a third year student at the best university in south korea. in this plane of existence, you play music to your hearts content at the music program you promised your father you'd attend.
you could almost cry at the thought. you could break down into tears, crumble into a sobbing mess, allowing each emotion to run through your body until you're nothing but that small, little girl who held the violin for the first time and announced she wanted to be a musician.
a relieved smile breaks out across your face as you nod, "okay. i won't."
your mother returns your smile with one of her own, "good," she straightens, slipping her fingers away from the doorknob as she turns, "i'm heading off to the bakery. kyung-jun is waiting for you in the kitchen."
his name crashes through you like a wave. it rocks through your body, bringing with it every tender feeling you associate with the sound. an ache that forms in the space between ribs. sunlight that reaches each crack within yourself, filling the hollow crevices with its warmth. and with the realization that kyung-jun is here, waiting for you, it causes your body to scramble out of bed and rush towards the designated room.
you spot his figure immediately, and as you're drinking the sight of him in, your heart stutters in your chest, twinging with the sort of pain that arises when one is faced with relief so intense it hurts.
he leans against the counter, holding a bowl of freshly cut strawberries in one hand, the other plopping the slices into his mouth. his eyes are trained on the ground, the right side of his face washed with soft, golden light streaming in through the window. his hair is slightly shorter now, the strands no longer long enough to tuck behind his ears, falling into his eyes in a delicate manner.
and he looks just slightly older. a little taller perhaps, too. his face has lost most of the boyish features that made him unmistakably a teenager. instead, he looks like a proper young adult, and you start to wonder if this is the same kyung-jun in your other timeline. if this is the boy you could've met before death took him away, ripping the chance out of your hands.
he glances up when you skid to a halt at the entryway. the corner of his mouth twitches slightly when he takes in your unruly appearance. the pajamas still hanging on your form, the mess of your hair sticking up from your sleep. but you don't care, not when he stands before you, breathing and alive.
"hey-"
his voice, the gentle drum, is all it takes to make your body move of its own accord. you rush forward, not stopping until your body collides into his figure. your arms wrap around his waist, face pressed against his chest, clinging to him like a lifeline.
"kyung-jun." you whisper, already hearing the telltale signs of your emotion coating your words.
kyung-jun's arms hang in the air, frozen in time as he peers down at you with a questioning look in his eyes, "what-"
"you're here. you're okay," you laugh a little as you say it out loud, solidifying a well known fact of the universe. your relieved laughs blends into a choked sob as you pull back to face him, "thank goodness. i'm so glad."
kyung-jun slowly lowers his arm to place the bowl of strawberries on the counter. an unsure smile curls his lips, "what's gotten into you? you're being weird."
he places his palm over your upper arm, gripping you gently as his confusion grows. as he worriedly searches your face, you shake your head, "nothing. i'm just," you exhale shakily, pulling your lips into a wobbly smile, "i'm so happy kyung-jun. and i feel so relieved." tears start falling down your face, an action you cannot control the same way you can't stop the sobs currently ripping from your throat. it's pulled out of your body by an invisible thread, spilling its contents into the air for kyung-jun to catch.
"why are you crying?" he asks in a panic. his eyes widen slightly, his palms reaching up to rest hesitantly on your cheeks. and as he brushes his thumbs along your face, wiping away the wet, salty substance, you're reminded of the same action in the past. remembering it, paired with the tender touch, makes your sobs louder.
"i was so scared kyung-jun. i was so scared to leave you. i didn't want to. not yet. i just wanted more time with you."
you croak out the words between gasps, squeezing your eyes shut momentarily. you place your hand over his own to hold onto his warmth, feeling the slight tremble of your fingertips.
"and then when i woke up, i was so scared that it was all a dream. i was scared that everything was the same. that you'd be gone, and i'd have to live in a world without you again."
you open your eyes, greeted with the sight of kyung-jun's slight frown, the tension in his face, the confusion slowly ebbing away into something you can't describe.
"but you're here. and you're alive," you say, lowering your voice into a quiet whisper, "my wish came true."
kyung-jun doesn't say anything for a long time. that unnamed emotion reflecting in his eyes grows, and you don't realize what it is until he speaks. his words come out tentatively, as if treading a path that carries something he's afraid to discover.
"did your memory come back?"
your sobs stop immediately, reduced to soft sniffles as you blink at him in bewilderment, "what?"
filled with newfound vigor, kyung turns your head in every direction. his eyes inspect you carefully, squinted with his concentration, his movements careful and deliberate. whatever he's searching for, he must find, for a flicker of recognition crosses over his features. his rigid stance sags a little in relief, "it did. it's really you."
"what do you mean?" you mumble.
he lowers his gaze for a brief moment, taking a moment to formulate his thoughts. when he exhales, it comes out a little shaky, and this time it's not your own fingers that tremble against your skin, "after that night, when you finally woke up in the hospital, you said you didn't remember anything. only bits and pieces. but nothing about traveling back in time."
it hits you like a slap to the face. somehow, a memory that you know is your own, but you can't recall experiencing, surfaces to mind. your body, heavy and lethargic, waking up from surgery. your mother's face hovering over your own, relieved tears streaming down her cheeks. kyung-jun on your other side, gripping your hand tightly, his features marred by his fear. your voice, rasping out a singular question. what happened?
"so i really did forget." you mumble to yourself, feeling something squeeze your lungs.
you peer up into kyung-jun's face, noting the slight hurt that lingers in his expression. you're not sure how your amnesia affected the course of your life, but it must've frightened everyone, kyung-jun especially. because he was the only one who knew the truth. and for you to claim that you don't remember the reason you changed his destiny, he must've been scared that you'd forget him, too.
you grip his hands more firmly, lowering them from your face to hold against your chest. you curl your fingers around his own, cradling it insistently, "i'm sorry kyung-jun. i'm sorry for forgetting."
kyung-jun releases a soft breath, eyes fluttering shut. then, the corner of his mouth twitches, threatening to form into an amused smile.
"not everything. you didn't forget the one thing you said you wouldn't."
at first, you're confused, but then your words come back to you, echoing softly in your head.
"i'll always love you. that's a memory that cannot be erased."
you release your own soft breath, bordering the line between a sigh and a chuckle, "of course. how could i?"
this time, a smile breaks out fully upon his face. it softens his features, washing away all the tension, all the hurt, leaving behind only the traces of his relief and affection. he tugs you forward, pulling you into a tight embrace. the moment you're surrounded by his warmth, your body goes limp in his arms.
"are you back for good?" he mumbles against your head, and you don't need to ask for clarification to know what he's referring to.
"yeah. i'm done running through time," you respond quietly, burying your face against the fabric of his shirt. his scent fills your senses, soothing you like a sweet lullaby, "this time, i'm here to stay."
you feel kyung-jun relax slightly. you hear the relief in his voice as he whispers, just as quietly, his arms tightening around you, "good."
for a few blissful seconds, the tender moment remains undisturbed. you stand in a realm that slows just slightly, as if life were giving you more time to remain in each other's presence not tainted by the harshness of reality. it's just you and kyung-jun. two hearts. two souls. two songs that sync into one.
the sudden thought that arises only forms because of the car passing by outside, its engine striking through your bones with the sort of fear that always lingers, never quite disappearing now matter how much you try to forget it.
"wait, but how?" you ask, pulling away to face your boyfriend properly, "i thought someone had to die in order for you to live."
kyung-jun presses his lips into a thin line, his jaw tightening ever so slightly, "someone did."
you furrow your eyebrows in confusion. he doesn't exactly look sad, but it doesn't seem like a topic he likes talking about, "but it wasn't me. who was it?"
he finally spits the word out with a grimace, "min-jun."
"min-jun died?" you repeat, eyes wide in disbelief, "how?"
kyung-jun shrugs, leaning back against the counter, "car crash. it happened while hyun-ho was chasing after him."
min-jun paid the price for kyung-jun's life. the same person who took it is the one who has given him the chance to live. how ironic. how funny, you think, the way fate works.
kyung-jun must notice the bitterness on your face, for he presses his fingers against your temple, rubbing small circles against the tender muscle. your eyes momentarily flutter shut under his gentle ministrations, "don't think about it anymore. he's not worth your time."
"i know. you're right." you sigh.
when he drops his hand, you open one eye to peek at him, smiling immediately when he meets your stare. the smile that breaks out across his own face fills your chest with a gentle sort of warmth, tipping the world into place, grounding you to the moment.
it all feels too good to be true. hearing his bubble of laughter. taking in his living, breathing form.
"are you really okay? you're not sick or anything, right?" you ask, needing to be certain that fate wasn't playing tricks on you. that you could really live your life with kyung-jun by your side. that this tender moment is not on a timer steadily running out.
kyung-jun raises an eyebrow, "you're the one who got shot. shouldn't i be more concerned over you?"
"that was three years ago. it's nothing more than a scar now."
kyung-jun frowns, his amusement replaced by a vulnerability that makes your heart ache inside your chest. he grips the counter so tightly his knuckles turn white, and the muscle in his jaw jumps with the tension that forms, "you scared me. that night i thought..." he exhales shakily, the edges of his tone cracking, "i thought i was going to lose you."
you sigh, your own body hurting at the sight of his pain. his fear. the lingering traces of his grief from three years ago. you reach up and brush your fingers through his hair, smiling gently in his direction, "fate will have to try harder than that."
he cracks a smile at your declaration, "don't tempt it."
"i don't plan on it."
you brush away the hair across his forehead, revealing the soft brown of his eyes, which peer at you so gently. something constricts your chest. it's not suffocating, but it coils tighter the longer his attention settles, never wavering, relentless.
"kyung-jun." he hums lightly in acknowledgment, urging you to continue. unable to help yourself, you lean forward, pressing a soft kiss against the space between his brows, "thank you for waiting for me."
he scoffs, almost in disbelief, but you recognize it as an amused noise, one that makes you smile, "you weren't the only one running through time," he murmurs, tipping his head up slightly. he presses his own lips against your face, barely shifting back, as if to remain in such close proximity, "it took a while, but i finally caught up to you."
-
when your bellies are full of strawberries, eggs and rice, you find yourselves on a bus that leads to seoul national university. with every minute you spend in that vehicle, the anticipation grows, stirring in your stomach as you shift relentlessly in your seat. when it finally pulls to a stop in front of the school, your heart starts to race inside your chest.
kyung-jun stands quietly beside you, observing the way you stare up at the main entrance, wide eyed and awestruck. the nervousness previously fluttering in your stomach is now replaced by excitement and wonder, no longer making you feel sick with the weight of it all.
"this feels so surreal," you mumble breathlessly, watching students walk in and out of the school grounds, the sound of distant chatter and laughter filling the air. you turn slightly in kyung-jun's direction, "you know i've been dreaming of this day ever since i was young? of getting to walk through those gates as a student."
kyung-jun chuckles, "you made that same face your first year here."
strangely enough, you start to remember. once again, it plays in your head like a distant memory, seen through your eyes. you spot the same building in front of you, the day just slightly brighter than it is now. you see your mother beside you. you feel the heavy weight of your bag and violin. and the same excitement consumes you then and now.
you turn your body to face kyung-jun, noting the bag slung around his own shoulders, which spikes your curiosity, "where are you going right now?"
a playful smile stretches across his face, "well, i wasn't smart enough to get into here, but i wasn't completely hopeless."
"you got into college? really?" you ask eagerly.
"don't act so surprised," he mutters, feigning an annoyed expression.
you laugh at his halfhearted complaint, "i'm just happy for you. that's all i ever wanted for you kyung-jun. to live life to the fullest. so hearing about your achievements, all because i was able to change your fate, i'm relieved."
kyung-jun blinks, slightly taken aback by your proclamation. but slowly, his eyes crease with a gentle, fond sort of emotion, his smile just as tender. he steps forward, cradling the back of your head and pressing a soft kiss against the crown of your head.
"i'll come by to pick you up after class." he mumbles quietly, leaning back to search your face for confirmation. when you nod slightly, he pulls away, beginning to walk down the sidewalk.
"be safe! text me when you arrive!" you call out, waving enthusiastically in his direction. and while he doesn't turn around, he shakes his head slightly, sending you a wave of his own over his shoulder.
you grin, not turning around until he's completely out of sight.
-
seoul national university is everything you imagined and more. as you step out of your first class, wandering down the sidewalk, you're surrounded by things that make you fall more and more in love with the school. the green patch of grass surrounding every inch of ground on campus. trees that are full of leaves, casting shadows across your face. the buildings, tall and sleek, looming over your figure.
you have a bit of time until your next class, so you spend it walking around, exploring every inch of the school like it's your first time there. and technically speaking, it is. you drink in every monument, every sitting area, every figure that walks past.
it's not until you spot a familiar form across the lawn that you stop, blinking in bewilderment. it's hyun-ho. he walks hurriedly down the path, glancing around like he's searching for something. it confuses you, not because of his current state, but because he doesn't even go to snu, so you're not sure what he's doing here in the first place.
his eyes land on your own, and the moment he recognizes you, he's running across the lawn. the moment he shortens the distance and reaches you, he engulfs you into a crushing hug. you let out a grunt in response, all the air pulled out of your lungs by the impact. you pat his back insistently to wordlessly communicate your current struggle.
thankfully, hyun-ho pulls back, allowing you to breathe once more. he then grabs your shoulders, craning his neck as he inspects you carefully. you're not sure what he's looking for. maybe any signs of injuries. you imagine he knows as little as you do about the aftermath of that night.
"you're alive. thank goodness," he breathes out, momentarily relaxing before he straightens once more in a panic, "wait. can you hear me?"
you laugh at the expression he makes when he realizes the mistake, "loud and clear."
at your words, he sighs once more, dropping his hands back down to his sides, "that's a relief. i'm so glad."
you lead the boy over to an empty bench, which sits beneath a large tree in the center of campus. the leaves billow in the breeze, creating a soft rustling sound that calms you. your fingers grip the edge of the seat, your legs swinging in the air. hyun-ho leans back against the bench, his hands hidden inside his pockets.
he's the first to break the silence after several moments. his voice comes out a little quiet, carrying a weight you didn't realize he was holding. it's coated in the same vulnerability kyung-jun expressed, making your heart twist a little inside your chest.
"you really scared us back then. we thought you were going to die." he mumbles softly, staring blankly at the ground, caught in a place only he seems to be stuck in.
"i thought so, too," you admit, unable to shake away the fear that still takes hold of your mind. it's not as prominent, but it remains there, and you aren't sure if it'll ever go away, "but i'm here now, so don't worry anymore, okay?"
you reach over, laying a hand reassuringly on his arm. he glances at the action, and finally, a smile curls his lips.
"yeah," he agrees, tipping his head back towards the sky, "it's all over."
you mimic his posture. when he hears you shift, he turns his head towards your own, your head mirroring the action. you grin, "you still on the national team?"
his smile turns smug, "of course. you still playing music?"
"seems like it."
"look at that. you got to keep both after all. music and your love. didn't i tell you that'd be the case?"
"yeah, you did," you lower your tone to a gentle note, a sincerity laced in your words, "thank you hyun-ho. for everything."
he doesn't respond at first. hyun-ho leans his body forward, pushing himself up into a standing position. he turns, facing you directly, his posture relaxed and easy going. his eyes, bright and certain, a clear image of the boy you grew up with and knew just as well as yourself.
"just live your life happily now. that's all i ask for." he finally says, and you nod, because in the end, you both got what you wanted, and that's enough.
-
jung-won and yoon-seo sit at a small table in the center of the park. a game of go is placed in the center, two coffees, halfway done, next to their respective owners. yoon-seo bites her lip in concentration, her brows furrowed slightly, her eyes squinted with the same thoughtful look. jung-won, on the other hand, masks it more carefully, making her appear a little frightening with how unbothered she appears by the intense game laid out before them.
you join them quietly, slipping into the seat to jung-won's left and yoon-seo's right, giving you a clear view of the match. jung-won acknowledges you with a quick glance, while yoon-seo smiles softly in your direction.
"you all done with classes?" she asks.
"yup. i'm officially free for the rest of the day." you announce cheerfully, which makes the girl laugh.
"where's kyung-jun? you guys are usually attached by the hip." jung-won questions, twirling a black bead between her fingertips as her eyes never stray from the board. she then leans forward to place it on yoon-seo's side, causing the girl to frown at the action. her eyes flit rapidly across the board as she searches for a way out of the situation jung-won put her in.
"unfortunately only one of us is free from the shackles of college." you sigh dramatically, leaning forward to rest your elbow on the table, tucking your chin on your palm. you watch as yoon-seo places another bead down, which is quickly followed by jung-won mimicking the action.
"i think you missed your calling to be a writer." jung-won muses lightly.
"you think so? it's not that different from writing music, is it?"
she shrugs, "probably not."
the game goes on for another hour, each turn lasting longer and longer as the board fills up with black and white beads. as your friends play, you drink the sight of them in. of course, they look the same as they do in your memory of the other timeline. yoon-seo has cut her hair to her shoulders, soft, wispy bangs covering her forehead. and jung-won's glasses are nowhere to be seen, her hair reaching just past her chest.
their voices haven't changed much, but there are differences that stand out to you. they carry slightly lower notes, sounding more even and sophisticated. they sound older, and you know this is what you'd have heard if you never went deaf in your other life.
and while you appreciate the fact that things have changed, a part of you misses it. you miss going to the same college as your friends, seeing them as often as you did in high school. and the memories you made back then, learning sign language in your room, falling into heaps of laughter when you couldn't quite get the conversation right, you mourn the loss of it.
but you'll just have to make new memories with them. to fill that empty space where those forgotten scenes once were.
"how are you guys? are you doing okay?" you ask.
jung-won looks up, raising a questioning brow in your direction, "of course we are. why wouldn't we be?"
you shrug, "i just want to check up on you."
she frowns, unconvinced by your response, "you're being really sentimental right now," she eyes you suspiciously, a frown pulling at her lips, "you're not moving away, are you?"
"no," you laugh, and the truth must be apparent enough for her to relax slightly, "i guess i'm just starting to appreciate it all."
"what? life?"
"yeah. we only get one shot at it. and right now, i'm really happy. so i want to savor it as much as possible."
yoon-seo smiles, her way of saying she agrees with your statement. jung-won, on the other hand, shakes her head, as if tired of your sentimentality. she picks up her cup, taking a sip of her coffee, but you don't miss the smile she hides behind the rim.
oh jung-won, always the realist. but you still love her, indifference and all, and you wouldn't trade it for the world. you wouldn't trade any of these moments with your friends. not now, not then, not ever.
-
"how long are you going to cling to me for?"
ko kyung-jun's voice holds a hint of exasperation, but there's something else there, too. not just his amusement, but rather, an affection reserved only for you.
his body lays flat against his bed, and your own form is draped across his figure, bodies pressed so close it's hard to distinguish one from the other. your head lays on his chest, ear pressed against his heart while your fingers rest on the right side of his chest, curled slightly around the fabric. your leg is thrown over his hip, the heel of your foot tucked against his ankle.
at his question, you simply press yourself firmer against his body, "as long as time allows." you mumble, making him laugh.
"even if it's for the rest of your life?"
"if so, can i?" you ask, lifting your head up slightly to meet his gaze.
kyung-jun rolls his eyes, releasing a soft breath. it sounds more like an amused chuckle than an exasperated sound, a fact that the boy would deny as much as possible.
you resume your previous position, "don't complain so much jagiya. i know you secretly love it."
kyung-jun doesn't respond, and maybe it's because he can't. maybe it's because he knows you're right, and he lives for the bouts of clinginess that suddenly take hold of your mind. moments where you enter each other's space as if to remind one another of your presence. maybe secretly, he longed for it, too.
you close your eyes, tuning out the hum of the fan and the soft music playing in the background to listen to his heart. it beats steadily, even and sure, following a rhythmic song you know all too well. your fingers drum against his chest, tapping along to the vibration in your ears.
"what are you doing now?" he inquires, confusion and amusement blending into one.
"listening to your heart," you respond, not ceasing your movements, "did you know it sounds like a drum?"
"don't all hearts sound like that?"
"not to me. only yours makes that sound. that's how i knew it was love."
kyung-jun's chest shakes slightly from his quiet laughter, "by listening to my heart?"
"yes." you affirm, not an ounce of doubt in your tone.
the trembles stop, and you hear the first disruption in the beat. there's a quick stutter, a misplaced sound that gets lost when kyung-jun sucks in a sharp breath. then, the pace of it picks up in speed, and it grows louder, pounding against your head.
"i hear it, too." he whispers quietly, which makes your tapping stop.
"in my heart?" you clarify.
you feel kyung-jun shift. hear him swallow thickly, "more than that."
you start to feel your own heart get a little louder, ringing in your ears. warmth spreads across your face like sunlight filtering through glass, "like what?"
"your voice," he mutters out, so quietly you barely hear it. your breathing starts to come out a little shakily, or maybe those are kyung-jun's breaths. it's hard to filter out what's yours and his, "you always speak to me so gently. when i first heard it," his breath catches slightly, an emotion that feels so much like vulnerability snagging his words, "i didn't know if i deserved it."
you lift up your head, shifting your body so your face hovers over his own. kyung-jun peers up at you, his eyes glassy with the same emotion you recognized, creasing the corners of his eyes. he looks so small then. so soft. so breakable. it makes your heart ache painfully inside yourself.
"you deserve it all, kyung-jun. you know that, right?" you whisper, each word more shaky than the last. you lean forward, pressing your forehead against his own, "anything you could want, anything you could wish for, it's yours. i'll give it to you myself if i have to."
kyung-jun exhales shakily, his body trembling ever so slightly. he tips his head up, brushing his nose against your own, his fingers working their way towards the back of your neck. and he holds you there, your warmth seeping into his own, your breaths mixing into one.
"i love you." he whispers, and those three words alone, the way they are said so reverently, fills you completely.
"say it again."
kyung-jun pulls you closer. his lips ghost over your own, and he brands the declaration against your skin. you will forever remember the way they form on his lips. how they sound in your ears, how they feel within a kiss.
"one more time?"
he huffs, "i'm starting to sound like a broken record."
you grin, "that's a sound i could hear over and over again."
he releases another laugh, but doesn't protest anymore, complying one last time. his palm slides from your neck to your cheek, cradling you gently as he starts tilting your face in different directions, giving him access to the left side of your cheek, the tip of your nose, the corners of your eyes. and each time his lips reach your skin, he repeats those three words.
"i love you, too," you mumble, doing your best to hold back the emotion wrecking through your body, "more than you realize. more than you can comprehend."
destiny is meant to be a permanent thing. something that cannot be rewritten, exchanged, or defied. it can only be accepted. a path that must be walked along if one hopes to make it to the end.
but sometimes there are greater things out there that can alter fate. a way to carve a different path. just slightly. enough to change the events that lead up to an inevitable ending. like a wish made so reverently, called upon so desperately, destiny has no choice but to listen.
and when fate grants you that wish, you'd go to the ends of the earth to fulfill it.
time has a way of altering things. physically. emotionally. in all the metaphorical senses. when time touches you, you change, even if it's just slightly, even if it's in ways you don't realize. it makes things grow, it makes life form, and sometimes, it takes things away too soon.
sometimes, when you love someone so deeply, you'd run across the stretch of time to reach them. you'd take their hand, and you'd pull them down the path you created. and sometimes, when love is so strong, time can feel it. and it waits. it takes a pause, pulls back its hands, and allows you to remain untainted.
time. destiny. fate. they all heard the lovely melody of a song in your heart. and the sound of it was so beautiful, so true, they sat back, and they listened.
Notes:
RAHHH AND ITS OVERRRRR i wont put too many words here since i still have an author's notes chapter to release so i'll save all my sentimental thoughts for there :D anyways i hope this healed your hearts hehee
Chapter 27: deleted scenes + easter eggs + rolling credits
Chapter Text
DELETED SCENES
SCENE ONE
right after the sports festival, it starts to rain. you realize as you're sitting on front steps of the school that you don't have an umbrella. but kyung-jun walks past, and despite the tension between you, he drops his jacket on top of your head. and it hits you then, that despite the space between you, he still cares. you find yourself running after kyung-jun's bus, unable to make it before it leaves, but you're undeterred. you're running after it, yelling at him through the window, not stopping until he looks up. and when he does, you yell out about a song in your heart that you think must be love.
SCENE TWO
after the events of the previous, you end up sick. you miss several days of school, and kyung-jun takes notice of your absence. after asking your friends as to where you live, he shows up at your house with medicine and other amenities. when you step outside, facing him for the first time in a while, he looks worried. he presses his hand against your forehead, harshly scolding you for your reckless actions of running in the rain. when he turns to leave, you can't help the emotion that rushes through you. you run forward and hug him from behind, thanking him with a quiet voice. his body grows rigid beneath your touch.
SCENE THREE
during the autumn arc, kyung-jun and ki-jung were supposed to spend chuseok (a south korean holiday) at your house with you and your mom.
SCENE FOUR
during the winter arc, you were supposed to visit the graveyard with your mother. you invite kyung-jun to the occasion, and the three of you sit in front of a small grave. food is laid out across a blanket, and you and your mother talk to your deceased father. and this is a point when kyung-jun realizes that death doesn't have to ruin a family. it can bring them together.
SCENE FIVE
after the events of the sports festival, hyun-ho's confession was supposed to take place in a classroom during cleaning duty. and kyung-jun was supposed to overhear it.
SCENE SIX
kyung-jun was supposed to be in the band, along with seung-bin and jin-ha. with this scene, there would've been one where you're fixing kyung-jun's hair for the photoshoot. he shys away at your touch, avoiding your eyes as your gently fix the strands laying across his forehead, your warmth shooting a spark down his spine.
SCENE SEVEN
a conversation was supposed to occur in the music room where kyung-jun asks why you're learning sign language. you respond that a shaman told you you'd go deaf one day, so you're learning to be prepared. he's exasperated, asking if you really believe in that stuff, and you respond with the affirmative. he proceeds to mention that you can still play music even if you're deaf because of muscle memory, and even then, you can make music without playing the instrument, like writing songs, or teaching a class. you smile, because he's trying so hard to cheer you up.
SCENE EIGHT
the morning after kyung-jun's birthday, ki-jung would've shown up to the house, and based on the state of their appearance, he would catch onto what happened. he would've sat them down at the table and lectured them about safety and whatnot, not really because he cares, but because he wants to tease his little brother.
SCENE NINE
originally, you were supposed to remain deaf. when you woke up, you would've found yourself in an apartment that you don't recognize, and as you're inspecting your room, you see a flash of colors dance across the space. it leads you towards the front door, where kyung-jun has just returned from somewhere. and when he sees you, he smiles, and he starts signing. the fact that he learned for you hits you all at once, making you emotional.
SCENE TEN
also a deleted scene in the last chapter, as you're looking for something in kyung-jun's room, you encounter a small box. you open it, and inside sits a ring. kyung-jun walks in, freezing immediately when he sees what lays in your hands. i had two variations of what the ring meant. one, it was an engagement ring, but he wasn't planning on proposing anytime soon. he just kept it with him, because he promised himself that one day he'd marry you. he wasn't sure when, but it would happen. or two, a promise ring that you weren't supposed to find yet since he had a plan for gifting it to you.
EASTER EGGS
the scene on the school trip where you and kyung-jun are looking at the jellyfish and lock eyes across the glass is inspired by see you in my 19th life
the photograph and you and kyung-jun on the beach is inspired by 20th century girl
the drunk confession is inspired by 20th century girl
the concept of a deaf reader is inspired by twinkling watermelon
the music performance is inspired by twinkling watermelon
the bookstore scene where kyung-jun saves you from all the books falling on your head is inspired by twinkling watermelon
when you and kyung-jun play rock paper scissors and the loser has to take the other's bag, this scene is inspired by all of us are dead
the sports festival is inspired by extraordinary you
you and kyung-jun going to the makeup store is inspired by true beauty
and of course, the plot itself is inspired by lovely runner
there are many references to my other kyung-jun fanfic. here are a few details.
- your bad habit of curling your fingers around something
- mango milk being your favorite drink
- the idea of 'being seen'
- falling in love in the rain
you and kyung-jun have crossed paths before
- kyung-jun mentions that his birthday cake is purchased at his favorite bakery. it's mentioned earlier that your mom bakes for a living. she also baked kyung-jun's birthday cake for the celebration (the exact flavor with strawberries)
- there's also the fact that you went to the same elementary school
- all in all, despite kyung-jun thinking your paths were never meant to cross, that's in fact not true. it just wasn't meant to cross quite yet.
ROLLING CREDITS
dear loveliest readers,
this book has been quite the journey. i mean, over 140k words in itself is insane. but given how much love and support i received throughout, i truly am lucky to have such wonderful readers. i truly am so grateful to all of you for sticking around until the end. to everyone who voted, commented, or just silently read, i love each and every one of you tremendously. we have built quite the beautiful community together.
while this is the end of the main storyline, i do have at least two more bonus chapters planned for release. not quite sure when i will post it, depends entirely on how busy i am with my other stories and how inspired i am. but there's a little bit more to kyung-jun's story (mainly for fluffy purposes. it doesn't advance the plot at all)
speaking of other stories, i will continue writing on this platform, and yes, yet another ko kyung-jun book is amongst my drafts for those of you who want more content. i told myself i wouldn't write for him anymore since i want to focus on cha woo-min's other roles, but i was convinced to create one last story for him (this is the last time though i hope).
i've mentioned this before, but i have quite a bit of ideas and i simply cannot choose only one. so i will let all of you choose which story you want me to write next. i'll write out the title, the character, and the general plot. you can vote for that story by commenting on it (if you're reading this on ao3, just comment at the end).
LIFESAVER
drama: weak hero class one
pairing: kang woo-young x reader
after years of getting relentlessly bullied by your classmates, you seek out help from a boy who people pay to fight. but rather than pay for a good beating, or a threat that would make them stay away, you ask for his assistance in getting revenge on the people who've tormented you.
BET ON LOSING DOGS
drama: weak hero class one/the hunger games crossover
pairing: kang woo-young x reader
you, the daughter of the mayor. a rich, privileged girl within the poor, struggling district. the odds have always been in your favor. and yet somehow, all your luck runs out when your name gets called in the reaping. even worse, you're paired with a boy from the poor parts of town, one who fights in the ring for his dinner.
HATE TO BE LAME
drama: weak hero class one
pairing: geum seung-je x reader
you try to stay away from your cousin na baek-jin's shady dealings. but when he sends an arrogant, cocky boy who nicknames himself wolf to ensure your safety, you have no choice but to get pulled into a life you don't want.
HEARTACHE
drama: study group
pairing: phi han-wool x reader
born with a precarious heart condition, the only way you're able to keep up with the rough momentum of the yeonbaek gang is through your charm. with a singular look, without any effort at all, you're able to uncover secrets from a person that could ruin their lives. but as you meet a group of misfit students in a study group, and a teacher who reminds you of someone you once knew, your heart weakens. and phi han-wool, the boy you grew up with, makes it ache in a way you can't explain.
IF THE WORLD WAS ENDING
drama: night has come/duty after school crossover
pairing: ko kyung-jun x reader
you, most referred to by the nickname tokki, thought you'd live high school quietly. annoy your twin brother, practice judo, and study for the csat. but when the spheres in the sky fall, and the country is put under threat, you find yourself being trained for a war you're unprepared for. and in the fight for survival, the only thing keeping you grounded is a boy you tried so hard to hate.
AT THE BEACH, IN EVERY LIFE
drama: squid games
pairing: kang sae-byeok x reader
taking care of your younger sister is hard, but life becomes more difficult when she's diagnosed with cancer. unable to keep up with the bills of your small apartment and her medical treatment, you decide you need money as quickly as possible. so when a stranger approaches you with an offer, you take it, not realizing the death game you signed up for. and through it all, you're unable to tear your eyes away from a freckled faced girl you feel a distant connection to.
i'll keep voting open for a week or so. after that, i'll announce the final decision hehe. once again, thank you everyone. i love you all, and until next time!
with lots of love,
rain
Chapter 28: bonus I
Chapter Text
a world in which ko kyung-jun doesn't die young, and you never travel back in time.
ko kyung-jun hasn't seen the sun in three years.
he's seen glimpses of it. a sliver of the warmth he once knew. it slips between the cracks of his walls, filling the space in his body that's been hollow and vacant since the moment it left. kyung-jun is always stuck between savoring the tender feeling or pushing it back out.
in between conversations, he'll hear her name. it's typically said as a passing remark, gone as quick as it was there. but within that split second, kyung-jun feels the weight it carries. he notes the way it sounds in the air, how gently it reaches his ears, and how his heart picks up in speed.
just that one word alone is enough to throw him off balance, teetering on the edge of something he isn't sure he can come back from.
he's seen her, too. the sight of a girl staring out the bus window, her peaceful expression taking all the air in his lungs. something aches inside of himself when he spots her. when the sun just barely reaches him, offering just a fragment of its warmth the moment their paths cross.
he can never face her though. can't bring himself to. an emotion, far too much like guilt, arises each time he spots her. it's been in his body since that night, taking root ever since he came to his bearings and saw her fragile form on the street right next to a car.
he remembers it so clearly, each detail of the past haunting him despite how hard he's tried to bury it. the fear that struck the center of his heart when he held her against his chest, a knife stabbing repeatedly between his ribs when her eyes remained closed no matter how hard he shook her. he hears the echoes of his ragged wails, his incoherent mumblings. how he felt something warm and sticky on the side of her head, and his hands came back coated in her blood.
he recalls how he ran with everything he had to the hospital, racing against time to nurture the flickering flame that was her life. how just for a brief moment, her bleary eyes settled on his own, and the one word she uttered, his name, broke something inside of himself. out of all the words, all the names she knew, she called out for him.
he almost didn't let go of her when he reached the emergency unit of the hospital. he was afraid that the moment she slipped from his arms and they took her away, she'd be gone, and the only thing left of her would be the blood on his clothes and kyung-jun's memory of her warmth and weight in his hold.
for a long time, he stood outside the surgery room, his trembling form slack against one of the chairs lined along the wall. nurses, doctors and patients came and went. some stopped to ask him questions, to offer him food, or a place to change out of his clothes. but no words left his mouth. no shift in his body to indicate that he was listening. not when he realized the role he played in her fate. the fact that it should've been him on that operating table hanging onto his life, not her.
'my fault.' he realized, and he loathed himself for it.
the guilt became especially prominent when he saw her mother for the first time. he heard the rush of her footsteps first. then the panicked tone of her voice, mumbling her name repeatedly beneath her breath, each formation of it cracking more and more until it crumbled completely.
when her eyes met his own, shining with her tears, it took everything within himself to not break down. to apologize profusely. to take the blame. to do anything that would make up for what happened.
because it was kyung-jun's presence in her life that resulted in her hearing loss. the formal delivery of such news struck kyung-jun quickly, barely giving him time to process the fact. but as the words sunk in, as the cold feeling in his body waned, the air in the room felt scarce, and his heart dropped down into his stomach.
she'd never hear again.
she'd never play music again.
'you ruined her life.'
-
ko kyung-jun never went back to see her again.
it was better that way. at least, that's what he told himself. in fact, he convinced his mind of that reason so often, he started to believe it was true. it didn't matter if his heart ached in a way he couldn't understand. if unconsciously, his hands fished for his wallet to pull out a small polaroid hidden in one of the pockets. it didn't matter that his fingers brushed tenderly over the faded image, smoothing out the creases in the film and the curling edges.
it didn't fucking matter, because even if kyung-jun missed her, he knew better than to defy fate.
and his destiny was to always come up short to the sun.
or maybe some part of him was afraid. maybe kyung-jun was scared that the moment she saw him, she'd state exactly what he feared. and if her eyes reflected her hatred, if she grew to loathe him, he wasn't sure he'd be able to bear it. he'd take it, because it's what he deserved, but it'd feel nothing short of dying.
it's precisely why he stopped going to school. stopped contacting seung-bin and jin-ha. stopped doing anything, really. because her absence carved a hole in his life that became difficult to fill no matter what he did. no amount of cigarettes, alcohol, or sleeping pills took away the numbness. not even the physical pain after getting into a fight snapped him out of his lifeless, wandering state.
he only went to her house once.
the reason behind his sudden visit was impulsive. and the reason behind his impulsivity was an accident. it's funny how one singular action can result in a multitude of outcomes, and yet the one he chose, a small, wordless choice, tipped the world off balance and shifted the trajectory of intertwined lives.
it happened on graduation day. he didn't come in a cap and gown like his classmates. he didn't even see them. he simply went to pick up his diploma and depart, intending to leave not even a trace of his existence.
but the voices he heard drifting down the hallway, and what the conversation implied, made him stop completely in his tracks.
"she won't sleep. she won't eat. i'm worried about her jung-won. what do we do? it's like she lost her will to live."
he hated it, the feeling that arose. one that made kyung-jun feel like the world just shattered by his feet. as if someone punched him in the ribs. knocked the air from his lungs. a hand cracking apart the bones in his chest to grab a fistful of his heart and squeeze until there was nothing left.
he knows what the brink of death feels like. when she was dying, he'd held it in his hands, and it was the kind of feeling he never want to feel again. not in this lifetime.
kyung-jun is not the comforting type. he doesn't know the right words to say to ease one's pain. he doesn't know what actions to take that would soothe the hurt in their bones. but it doesn't mean he lacks the capability to try.
when the door opens, he's relieved that it's her mother that stands on the other end, not her. the woman seems surprised at first, raking her eyes across his face with a mixture of curiosity and apprehension. while her own features lack the tears that streaked down them before, there's a sort of exhaustion that sits upon the surface, a product of the dramatic shift in her life.
"are you here for my daughter?" she asks, straight to the point, but not unkindly.
kyung-jun swallows hard to dispose of the lump in his throat, "yes."
she purses her lips, considering him more carefully now that he's confirmed the reason for his sudden appearance. he shifts awkwardly beneath her intense gaze, suddenly feeling self conscious the longer the silence stretches, a feeling he isn't used to acknowledging. usually kyung-jun is the one to make people avert their eyes. he's the one who forces them to lower their heads, too afraid to meet his gaze head on.
a flicker of recognition crosses her features quicker than he can blink. her eyes widen, lips falling open slightly, "oh, you're that boy. the one that brought her to the hospital," suddenly, she's bowing her head slightly in gratitude, the door opening fully to invite him in, "i can't thank you enough for saving her that day. please, come in. let me make you some food-"
"don't," he blurts out, and it comes out harsher than he intended. he visibly recoils, feeling guilty when she pauses, blinking in surprise. he clears his throat, lifting up the small box in his possession, "i just came to drop this off. please make sure she gets this."
her eyes slowly lower to his outstretched hand, the small container that holds a singular note and one of ko kyung-jun's most prized possessions. tentatively, she takes the box, grasping it gently within her palms. at first, confusion molds itself across the lines and dips of her expression, then it's replaced by something else. something quieter. something that makes her eyes crease slightly, for kyung-jun's chest to feel heavy, his mouth dry.
"i'm sorry." he mumbles quietly.
she glances up. she stares at him for a long time. she doesn't say anything. doesn't ask for clarification. maybe she understands what he means. or maybe it's her way of refusing his apology. kyung-jun lingers for a moment, then he finally steps back, turns, and leaves.
-
ko kyung-jun was supposed to die last night. during the late hours of the day, while the darkness engulfed the world, a murder was to take place. but somehow, someway, fate changed. or perhaps, ko kyung-jun is luckier in this timeline. and in another, not so much.
the dining room is tense with silence. that much isn't new. it's a detail to be expected each time kyung-jun's father calls for those rare family dinners, which feel more like a meeting than a way to spend some quality time with one another.
as always, his father arrives well dressed. hair combed back, collar crisp, tie straightened. he brings with him an air of authority, and something else that makes the room feel suffocatingly thick, resulting in uneasy glances and cautious movements.
his brother, just as predictably, presents himself in a similar way, though in a more casual and relaxed manner. he's always navigated life like that. as if it were tailored to his existence.
but the bright blue packet in the center of the polished mahogany wood, that was new and unexpected.
"what's this?" he asked, lifting up the corner of the packet. the word 'congratulations' is printed across it in bright, bold letters.
"your college acceptance letter." his father replies. kyung-jun glances up, blinking in bewilderment at the man across the table. he searches for a hint of amusement, any signs that his words were a joke. but his father is as composed as ever. he barely even glances up to acknowledge his son's bafflement.
"i didn't apply to college."
"i had ms. kim apply on your behalf. you start this monday."
kyung-jun drops the packet, glaring at it like it personally offended him. and in a way, it had. his grades were not good by any means. barely even passable. he didn't even take the csat. meaning, his father did what he did best. solve his problems with his wealth, "what, did you donate a shit ton of money? offer to pay for a new building?"
"does it matter? you're going to school and that's final."
his father's voice is firm, the slightest hint of warning laced within. this time, he does offer kyung-jun a glance, a pointed stare that tells him to stop asking questions and comply with his demands.
kyung-jun scoffs. he leans back in his chair, clenching his jaw so tightly he feels the muscles jump every so often. but he bites his tongue.
he hates every second of it though. when he arrives on campus for his first day, the irritation simmering beneath his skin builds with every inconvenience that comes his way. the heavy weight of his backpack due to the finance books he was forced to purchase for his classes. the loud chatter entering his ears when he walks into the plaza. every subtle brush of a person's shoulder against his own due to the crowded, cramped space of the coffee shop.
his impatience runs thin when the line shuffles forward with only the slightest movement. he glances down at his phone, frowning deeply when the numbers tick closer and closer to the start of his class. he starts to regret a lot of things then. like ignoring his alarm the first time it went off. getting into this godforsaken line in the first place, all for bitter coffee that was probably overpriced.
when he finally makes it to the front and pays, he stands off to the side with the rest of the customers awaiting their drinks. he shifts his balance from foot to foot, dragging his attention lazily throughout the busy cafe. practically every table is filled with college students typing away on laptops or writing furiously in notebooks, headphones pressed snuggly around their ears. he hears the sound of glass clicking together, the rush of voices so loud they all blend into one wordless murmur.
then he sees her. the sun.
every bone in kyung-jun's body grows rigid at the sight of her, and piece by piece, he feels the world around him fade in and out. and despite himself, he eagerly drinks the sight of her in, as if he'd never get another chance to embrace the warmth of her presence.
she stands at the front of the line, eyes glued to her phone, her fingers pressing delicately against the screen. her bottom lip is tugged between her teeth, eyebrows furrowed slightly in concentration. she looks a bit older, a natural consequence of the passage of time. hair slightly longer, the air around her more sophisticated and mature.
but she fills kyung-jun with the same tender warmth. that much hasn't changed.
the person in front of her finishes paying. the cashier calls out for the next person in line. she doesn't move, completely unaware of the growing agitation that arises within the worker and the other individuals behind her. they all cast her with frustrated looks, curling their lips in disdain.
finally, someone taps her on the shoulder, and she finally glances up. her eyes scan her surroundings rapidly, switching between the impatient cashier and the person who garnered her attention. her eyes widen slightly, and she turns, bowing deeply in apology with a sheepish smile.
she shuffles quickly to the counter, pulling out a small notebook. she presents one of the pages to the worker, who glances at it with slight confusion before typing something away on the system. when she puts the notebook away in her bag, she exchanges it for her wallet, and when she pays, she turns in kyung-jun's direction.
the moment her eyes gravitate towards his own, kyung-jun quickly looks away. he ducks his head, avoiding her stare while praying that she doesn't recognize him. he doesn't know what he would say. and a part of him doesn't feel ready to face her despite the three years between them.
luckily for himself, his food gets placed down on the counter for pick up. he hastily grabs his things and rushes out the door, not sparing a single glance back in her direction.
unluckily for himself, he can't get her out of his mind.
it's not that he never stopped thinking about her. over the three years, a thought would randomly pass through his mind, oftentimes related to her. sometimes a question. wondering what she's doing. if she's feeling better. whether she wonders about him, too.
sometimes he'll think about high school. he'll think about the first time he saw her, recall the way the rain looked as it fell around her figure. how the water droplets slid down her cheeks, caught at the tip of her lashes. how her smile, unrestrained, sincere, all the warm qualities of her character, arose because of him.
but from the moment his eyes landed upon her figure, all thoughts within his mind strayed to her. at first, he tried to push them away. he occupied himself with schoolwork. video games. sleeping. but somehow, one way or another, his mind drifted back to her.
one night, as kyung-jun is curled beneath his covers upon his bed, a photograph lays in his hands. the colors are all but gone now, faded into a distant memory. the creases are more prominent, and he has to hold it a certain way to unfurl the edges curling inwards.
his eyes study her expression. she smiles, just slightly, a little hesitantly, as if unsure of what to make of that moment. his own face is caught by surprise, eyes wide, lips parted. but for once, kyung-jun was untouched by his anger, his pain. he was just a kid on the shore wondering if the girl he liked would ever glance in his direction.
he makes an impulsive decision. one he knows he shouldn't have entertained. but a form of want arranges itself within his chest, the kind that is selfish, greedy, and begs for attention. to not be ignored.
ko kyung-jun goes to the bookstore, and he buys a book about sign language.
it's a lot harder than he initially believed, but he's nothing if not stubborn. alongside his schoolwork, he found himself propping the thick book open and mimicking the gestures depicted in various images throughout the pages.
it was a good distraction, at least for some time. he could almost convince himself that it was a useless hobby for himself, and he'd never use it. maybe if he was lucky, he'd need it to communicate with someone at his dad's company, and his father wouldn't think of him as a complete failure. but deep down, he knew the truth, even if he never acknowledged it.
weeks later, he finds himself in the city.
it's against his will, of course. these days, ever since the accident three years ago, he tries to avoid the busy parts of town. perhaps it's paranoia that history would repeat itself, or maybe he's afraid of running into min-jun and his gang. he's cut them off since then, and they haven't bothered him, but that doesn't mean they're gone completely. he knows they still lurk around in alleyways, places kyung-jun now avoids with great purpose.
he turns into a narrow street, where kids play with a plastic ball and deliveries are made to restaurants. and there, in the center of the road, walking down the path, is her.
kyung-jun's steps slow down into a complete stop. he's not sure which fact he should be more surprised about. the fact that he's encountering her off campus, in a place that people don't usually frequent no less, because what are the chances of their paths crossing at this particular place in time? or should he be more surprised over the fact that this is his second time seeing her, and so soon at that?
her eyes are trained ahead, but they are vacant, like she's lost in thought, mind and body switched to autopilot. the wires of earbuds curl around her neck, but the cord isn't connected to anything. kyung-jun assumes it must be a precaution she takes whenever she goes out, just in case someone calls out to her without realizing she is incapable of hearing their voice.
she's coming down in his direction, but she hasn't seen him yet, which should give kyung-jun ample time to disappear into one of the stores or turn back around the corner. and he almost does so, just to avoid running into her. but then a flash of movement occurs from behind her, followed by a loud honk.
the kids previously on the street scurry off to the side, passerby's mirroring the same cautious movements to avoid the large food truck rolling down the road. everyone stays clear of its path except her. she doesn't flinch at the obnoxious horn, doesn't spare a glance back at the warning voices who try to get her attention. she just continues on, completely unaware that the vehicle is getting closer and closer.
kyung-jun's body moves on his own. out of his own accord. it's like instinct, the way he rushes forward, wraps his fingers firmly around her arm, and yanks her back.
her body crashes into his own, pulling a surprised grunt from both their throats. kyung-jun's heart hammers against his ribcage, partly due to the proximity, partly due to the fear that floods his body, this particular moment feeling all too familiar to the one that occurred three years ago. he lowers his eyes, scanning her body from head to toe to ensure himself that no injuries blemish her skin, no blood spills from her head. relief replaces the anxiety twisting in his stomach when he sees nothing out of the ordinary.
slowly, the world tips back into balance, and as kyung-jun shakes away the momentary disorientation, she blinks, lifting her head up slowly in bewilderment.
she recognizes him immediately. kyung-jun knows, because her puzzlement washes away the moment she takes the sight of him in, her widened eyes replaced by something softer, something reserved for a person you once knew, even if only in small flickers, in brief flashes.
the truck speeding past must enter her line of vision, for she turns, examining the way it takes up nearly the entire street. she quickly puts the pieces together, and the realization dawns upon her slowly, causing her shock to return with more force. she steps back, and kyung-jun releases her, watching as she leans forward into a deep bow. when she straightens, she curls one hand into a fist, pressing the side of her palm against it repeatedly. he recognizes it instantly as the sign for thank you.
then, her motions abruptly stop, her body tensing with a sharp realization. she drops both her hands, her cheeks flushing slightly. and as she shifts awkwardly on her feet, kyung-jun realizes she is embarrassed for unconsciously signing to him.
his lungs clench uncomfortably at the thought. for some reason, the sight of her shame, small or not, fills him with a bubble of irritation. not directed at her, but at something else. what it is, he's not quite sure. perhaps the world.
he swallows thickly. then, before he can second guess himself, he lifts his fingers and hesitantly signs, 'are you okay?'
her body goes still. she blinks, her attention caught on his hands, which hover uncertainly in the air. she doesn't say anything for a long time. instead, a quiet contemplation settles upon her features, along with something else too, something kyung-jun can't even begin to describe. he stares, starting to feel a little self conscious the longer the silence stretches.
"is that not right?" he mutters out loud to himself, frowning as he looks down at his hands. as he racks his brain in search for his mistake, his fingers mimic his earlier actions.
but then he hears it. her laugh. a soft, airy sound that makes his heart falter in its rhythm. his eyes shoot back towards her, and there it is. that smile that made him fall in love. the one that makes him feel the warmth of the sun. that makes the day seem a little brighter than before.
'yeah. i'm okay.' she signs in response. he's relieved that he's able to understand each gentle movement. guess all that studying wasn't useless after all.
'that's good.'
when he drops his hands, the silence returns. she continues staring at him, her eyes scanning every inch of his face, that thoughtful expression prominent in the color of her eyes. kyung-jun, for reasons unknown to himself, starts to get nervous. he shifts on his feet, avoiding her stare, clearing his throat to get rid of the words trying to form on his tongue.
he only meets her gaze once more when he sees her hand waving in front of his face, a clear indicator that she wants his attention.
when his focus settles, she smiles gently, and he notes that she signs slowly enough for him to catch every word she forms, 'it's good to see you again, kyung-jun.'
he feels his heart skip a beat, stuttering in his chest in a way he cannot prevent. he swallows hard, nodding his head numbly in agreement. then, he scrambles to respond properly.
'me too,' he falters when he realizes the words don't make much sense. heat rushes to his cheeks as he quickly amends his mistake, 'i mean, it's good to see you, too.'
his embarrassment causes his frustration to form. but rather than make fun of him, or point out his error, her smile widens, her eyes creasing slightly with what he could easy misinterpret as fondness. that sight alone is enough to wash away his acrimony.
'are you doing anything right now?'
he shakes his head.
'do you want to sit somewhere together?'
kyung-jun blinks. at first, he thinks he's misunderstood her. perhaps he thought one sign meant one thing, when really, it meant something entirely different. but when he replays the memory, it all corresponds with what he initially believed it to be. and when that realization hits him, he can't stop himself from listening to the rhythm of his heart and nodding.
she leads him over to a bench in the center of a park. he sits stiffly upon the rickety wood, unsure of where to place his hands, how close he's allowed to be to her. she, on the other hand, appears completely at ease. he watches as she leans back, head tipped towards the sky to stare at the leaves. when a soft breeze brushes past her cheeks, she flutters her eyes close momentarily.
she looks peaceful like that. calm. unbothered. untouched by the force of nature. kyung-jun is afraid to disturb it. he's afraid that if he moves, this quiet moment will shatter. and as this hesitancy closes in on him, he starts to wonder. is she still hurt over what happened? does she miss music? does she blames him the way he blames himself?
her eyes lazily flutter open. she tilts her head in his direction, causing kyung-jun to straighten, just slightly. a smile easily curls her lips as she lifts up her hands.
'how have you been?'
it's a difficult question to answer. for the past three years, he's been miserable. but at the moment? he's the happiest he's been in a while.
'fine.' he responds instead. a good enough answer that satisfies the internal dilemma he struggled with.
'are you in school?'
'i just started.'
her lips fall open in understanding, slowly nodding her head in tandem to the action. she looks away for a brief moment before resting her eyes upon his face once more.
'how do you know sign language?'
'i took it for a class.'
liar, his brain echoes. he ignores it.
'you're pretty good.'
he scoffs, because that's far from the truth. his movements are clumsy, and it takes him several long seconds to not only understand what she said, but to properly formulate his own response. he isn't sure if she said it in a teasing way, or perhaps to make him feel better about his attempts at communication. regardless, his annoyed breath makes her smile.
'i wondered where you went after graduation.' she says several moments later, when her laughter quieted and his annoyance disappeared.
he feels his heart skip a beat at her words. the underlying message makes him turn, studying her face carefully. the subtle shift of every line and dip in her expression. the twitch at the corners of her mouth. the way her eyes are soft and quiet, staring at him with that tenderness that makes his heart ache.
she thought about him. however brief, however fleeting, her thoughts strayed to his name, his figure.
'i'm glad you're doing well.'
kyung-jun feels an emotion clog his throat. he wondered if she knew the truth. the whole truth. if she would still think of him the same then.
'and you?' he finds himself asking.
she tilts her head to the right, eyes squinted slightly in confusion. it's a cute look, one that reminds him vaguely of a puppy. something warm settles in his chest.
'are you doing okay?' he clarifies.
her features soften into surprise. and the way she looks at him, marginally in wonder, it's almost as if she's seeing kyung-jun for the first time. really seeing him. looking past his defenses, down to his very bone. and whatever she finds within himself makes her lips twitch into a wide smile.
'yeah. i am.' she responds. kyung-jun feels himself release a soft breath.
the silence settles, but it is not awkward or uncomfortable. it delicately blankets the atmosphere, allowing for other senses to heighten beneath the quiet. the smell of fresh leaves after a light rain. the cold breeze that sweeps past his face, rustling his hair and kissing down his cheeks. her eyes, large and bright, which never stray from his own. kyung-jun finds himself caught beneath her quiet consideration, unable to look away.
kyung-jun hears a light buzz, like a vibration. it startles her enough to make her look down at her wrist, where a watch shakes slightly in sync with the constant sound. her eyes scan the device, then, just barely, her lips pull down into a frown.
she glances back up, and all traces of her disappointment disappear, replaced by an apologetic smile, 'i have to go now. but it was nice talking to you.'
kyung-jun ignores his own disappointment settling in his chest, making his lungs feel small within his ribcage. he nods in agreement, watching her quietly as she pushes herself from the bench and adjusts the strap of her bag around her shoulders.
just as she's about to leave, however, she stops. she lingers by the bench, hesitation clinging to her form as if to draw her away from disappearing. and it must be enough, because she slowly turns her body to face him once more. he recognizes the shy smile that molds onto her features, and just the lightest shade of pink flushing her cheeks.
'can i get your number?' she signs, each movement slow and deliberate.
he watches, stunned, as she lowers her hands and pulls out her phone, extending the device towards him. kyung-jun feels his mouth go dry at the same time her eyes waver, her nerves found in the way her fingers tremble and her throat moves as she swallows thickly.
he should decline. this was his chance to sever ties once more, ensuring that he stays away. because that's what he promised himself three years ago when the world fell apart, and he ruined her life.
but god. feeling her warmth for the first time in three years, how gentle it is, how it's given so freely without restraint, he never realized how cold he was. he never realized how much he missed the sun.
and when his attention lowers to the device in her hands, he sees the one thing that pushes him over the edge. a bracelet hanging delicately around her wrist. the last one his mother made him. the same one he left in a box at her door.
fuck it. ko kyung-jun never said he was a good person. he's greedy and selfish. when he wants something, he takes it.
he swiftly grabs the device from her hands and types in his number. when he returns it, she grins, holding her phone to her chest like something precious. she then steps back, waving her arm from side to side in an enthusiastic goodbye. kyung-jun doesn't look away until she disappears completely out of sight.
-
ko kyung-jun isn't sure how it happens. if you asked him to recount the events that led to his here and now, he'd be unable to formulate a coherent response. all he knows is that somehow, as the months slipped past, her presence became a constant in his life.
it started off small. bumping into one another on campus, their brief encounters filled with casual conversation and her friendly smile. then it shifted into something more, their time together stretching out into longer periods when their schedules aligned. grabbing coffee together. sitting at the library to do work. walking along the treelined paths, side by side, shoulders brushing.
and during those soft, quiet moments, kyung-jun feels his world get a little brighter. he doesn't sleep as fitfully as before. his appetite isn't so scarce. the heavy weight of his guilt and shame that used to press down on his chest lifted, and he barely felt it anymore, that constant pressure that followed him around. instead, it's replaced by something lighter, warmer, something he recognizes from a long time ago.
kyung-jun realizes he likes her. he doesn't think that feeling ever went away. not really. even if his mind thought it did, his heart knew better. and somehow, as he's greeted by her bright eyes and kind smile every morning, that emotion resurfaces with more intensity than before, consuming him entirely.
and call him crazy. call him some lovesick fool, but sometimes kyung-jun thinks she likes him, too.
at some point during their encounters, he noticed a slight shift in her own demeanor. the shy smiles she hesitantly sent his way. how when they sit together, their knees touch, and neither of them pull away. how she looks at him like he means something more than he can fathom, an emotion he can't quite name reflected softly in the colors. and her cheeks, always a little rosy, flush a dark shade of red when he allows one of his rare smiles or leans in too close.
kyung-jun doesn't wish for things. he doesn't pray for an outcome he knows won't occur. but god he hopes. he hopes that he's right, and her heart beats to the same rhythm as his own.
one day, kyung-jun receives a message from her asking him if they could meet. and of course, he jumps at the opportunity without a second thought.
it's easy to spot her amongst the crowd. kyung-jun has grown used to the way she stands, the exact way her presence feels in a room full of people. she glances around, looking past each person's face, searching for something, someone. her eyes meet his, and her features blends into a mixture of unfiltered joy and enthusiasm.
when he reaches her, she leads him over to a picnic table beneath a large cherry blossom tree. the pink leaves aren't in bloom anymore, it being closer to the end of summer, but the vibrant green is bright and full, providing enough cover to shade them from the intensity of the sun.
she looks excited the moment she takes her seat. bouncing her leg up and down, shifting in her position, like she's anticipating something. kyung-jun figures out what it is the moment he sits, for she turns to him, knees bumping clumsily into his own. her smile is large and wide, hands moving quickly to keep up with the rapid pace of her thoughts.
'i figured out a face name for you.'
kyung-jun blinks in surprise. face names are a way to introduce yourself in sign language. it's much easier and quicker than spelling out each individual letter. usually it's something the person comes up with on their own. he's never made one for himself. he wasn't sure how to go about picking a gesture that would best replicate who he is as a person, but he never imagined she'd be the one to create one for him.
'what is it?'
if even possible, her grin widens. she presses her pointer finger and thumb against each corner of her lips, mimicking a smile. kyung-jun slowly copies the movements, repeating it a couple of times to ensure he's got it down.
'what does it mean?' he asks.
her cheeks flush red, spreading across each inch of her face. all too quickly, her initial excitement changes into something shy, almost nervous.
'when you smile,' she begins slowly, the movement of her hands hesitant, 'the corners of your mouth look so pretty,' her hands hover in the air as she pauses, uncertain if she should continue. she spares a quick glance in his direction, then hastily looks away as she finishes off quickly, 'you have a really beautiful smile.'
kyung-jun's heart starts beating so fast he thinks it'll burst out of his chest. his mouth goes dry, a lump forming in his throat as all the words within his body sit on the tip of his tongue. and yet, he doesn't know what to say. can't formulate any thoughts to respond to her explanation.
'does she really think that way about me?' he wonders to himself, searching her face desperately for an answer, 'does she really look at me and see something beautiful? not the cruel person he'd once been? the one he'd been for so long before meeting her?'
she folds her hands neatly in her lap, signifying that she is done talking for the time being. her eyes lower, avoiding his own, and as kyung-jun drinks the sight of her in, he comes to a startling realization.
his heart aches. it aches so much it hurts. and he doesn't know if he can ignore it anymore. if he even wants to.
before he realizes what he's doing, before he can even stop himself, his arm is lifting. his fingers, trembling slightly, reach over, tucking the loose strands of her hair behind her ear. she blinks, glancing up the moment his skin makes contact with her own. his fingers linger near the appendage, unwilling to pull away from her gentle warmth. her cheeks flush even more, but this time, she doesn't look away.
he feels a tug on his heart. a pull that draws him in, closer and closer. her eyes flicker to his lips, and she doesn't move. doesn't look away. kyung-jun's heart beats faster as he comes to understand.
he cups her cheek, just barely, as if afraid to apply any more pressure in fear of hurting her. his fingers tremble, betraying his inner turmoil. but she just smiles, leaning into his palm, encouraging him to press his thumb against her cheek and tip her head upwards. and when she doesn't pull away, when she doesn't flinch at his touch, he closes his eyes and presses his lips against her own.
he feels her suck in a sharp breath, the sound quickly followed by a soft sigh as her body melts a little. it encourages kyung-jun to move, slowly, cautiously, acutely aware of her every movement. how her hands curl around the front of his shirt. how her lips move delicately against his own, responding to his deliberate kisses.
when he leans back, his face burning from the warmth he drunk in, his head a little dizzy, a smile breaks out across her face. a laugh slips out, her eyes creasing slightly as she peers up at him.
and kyung-jun sees it. the blinding light. the star. the sun.
and it's his.
Notes:
TEEHEE ive had this idea in my mind for a while now and i'm happy that i finally get to write it. there will be a part two to this story, but not in the way you think :D