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It was slowly starting to rain outside. He could feel it in the slight humidity as he walked down the street. Yunho was already wishing he had brought his jacket with him like San did. They decided to wander into a bar to relax and have a beer. The space was filled with noise, men talking, drunks yelling, and music coming from the speakers. A typical bar atmosphere. Yunho liked it. San does too.
The final preparations for the mission had brought them both to their senses.
Jongho, as well as Yunho, couldn't stand to be in that damn garage anymore, so he went with Wooyoung to meet with Seonghwa to discuss the final details. Yunho was glad that he didn't have to deal with it, and that his part of it was over. God, he wished he could rest, just sleep, preferably for two weeks, and then sleep for another week to consolidate.
But now they're at the bar.
Him and San.
Yunho missed him a lot, he was often distracted by the mission, he had to keep up with everything and excel himself, but in his free moments he thought about San and the fact that he had to participate in those dirty fights without rules again. He didn't like that San was put in this position in this mission, but they had no other choice as San was the best variant to participate in the fights, so Yunho accepted it within himself. Though to be honest, he wants to scream, tear and throw, but he realizes that he can't undermine the mission with that. So he waits. Waiting for the moment when it's all over and he can worry about something else, which would preferably be related to San.
He was alone now, sitting at a table with six glasses of beer drunk, one of which he swigged as he pondered. San had gone to get a quadruple pair to complete their sit-down here.
Just before the young man could think that his companion was long gone, a full glass of beer was placed in front of his face, and San loomed across from him. Very tired and slightly flushed from the beer. He had a fresh bruise on his jaw from his last fight, which was starting to give off a sickly green in the horrible lighting of the bar. According to the plans this was his last fight, Yunho wanted this to be San's last fight very badly.
They choked in silence and took a sip each.
"God, did you ask me to pour another one?" asked Yunho with an expression of disgust at the horrible taste.
"No." San stared at his glass with the same expression. He stood up from the table again. Yunho grabbed his hand.
"Don't do it." he immediately realized what San was trying to accomplish. "Let's just leave the money and go home."
"We won't leave money for shit like this" replied San and headed to the bar to sort things out.
Yunho sighed and rubbed the bridge of his nose. He knew they would be leaving the bar in the next few minutes, so he grabbed San's jacket and headed towards the bar.
From a distance he could already see that San was very impulsively talking to the bartender, he also noticed the tension in the younger man's pose, which he really didn't like and if he didn't hurry up a fight would break out.
Yunho was late.
"...like you shouldn't live-". That was all he heard from the bartender before San slammed him through the bar, he jumped over it and grabbed the man, it looked like his nose was broken. Yunho didn't care, they needed to get out of here. The light alcoholic haze that was in the older man's head quickly evaporated. He needs to go get San.
"San..." he tries to get to him faster, before there was no bloody mess left of the bartender for his face to turn into. While Yunho was making his way through the small crowd, San managed to land a few more punches on the man's face, then he got to his feet and punched him in the stomach as well.
Yunho finally reached San and pulled him by the shoulder with a quiet "let's go" and "stop" coming out of his mouth. He noticed how the younger man's face changed from angry to concerned as his attention shifted to him, as if Yunho was the instant catalyst for his anger.
"Asshole" was the last thing San spat out to the man who was lying on the floor covered in blood and followed the older man. Yunho's hand was still on the younger man's shoulder, he noticed that the wounds on his knuckles had reopened.
Yunho hated to see the blood on San's hands.
They walked out of the bar and into the street. It was still raining, and it looked like it was going to get heavier. San threw on his jacket, taking it from Yunho's hands. They stood in silence for a while. Yunho waited. He knew San would tell him what had happened. It wasn't usual for the younger man to lash out at people.
San went first, Yunho stepping beside him but a step behind. He shivered from the cold because his work shirt was starting to get wet. They should hurry up.
Yunho noticed the slight tenseness in San's gait that remained after the bar fight. He wanted to walk over and run his hand over his shoulders, to release that tension, to guide his hand up the back of his neck and neck, to hear San's satisfied mooing. But he couldn't. San was too wound up, and Yunho had no right to do that. He just wasn't the right person to do it.
So they walked. Home. Together. Yunho didn't want it to be in this atmosphere.
"That asshole asked for it." San began quietly.
"You think so." the older man directed, but it also strained him, the way San said it.
"Yeah, because what he was saying was just awful. He pissed me off."
"I guess you shouldn't have wasted your nerves on him. We could have just lea..." Yunho didn't have time to finish before San interrupted him abruptly.
"Why do you say that as if I shouldn't have done it?"
"San, let's not argue-"
"Why? Are you just willing to put up with the attitude he's showing us?"
"That's not the point, just-"
"What's the matter then? Tell me why, I shouldn't have don-"
"Because it's out of character for you!" Yunho interrupted him abruptly and stopped. He stared at San, who stared back at him with slightly rounded eyes in surprise.
No one was going anywhere. Only the rain was pouring down, rather turning into a downpour. Yunho's shirt was finally soaked, water running all over his body. He didn't want to talk about it like this and at a time like this and he was tired, but he was just so sick of it.
"This mission," Yunho decided to continue, "It... has hardened you. You're not inherently cruel, you're not like that I know that. I understand that you're tired, we're all tired, we're all driven by this mission, but you... I... I sometimes feel like I don't recognize you and honestly, I'm afraid of it. I'm afraid that you can't change back. Go back to the way you were before."
San had been looking at him the entire time, staring into his eyes. While Yunho was expressing his worries to him, San's expression didn't change for a second. It was still as stoic and slightly surprised.
For a second, Yunho thought that San had turned into a stone statue that would never move again because it had grown into the ground and turned into a memorialized monument.
But the statue came to life. First its shoulders slumped, then its head lowered. San exhaled heavily.
"I... didn't mean to do that..." mumbled San quietly, Yunho probably wouldn't have heard it because of the downpour, but he had the ability to always make San stand out from others, be it people or sounds. "But I... I just couldn't stand what he said about us... what he said about you..." he looked up at Yunho, "Because I'm worried about you."
"I'm worried about you too, but it's not worth it..."
"No, you don't get it," the younger man interrupted him, "I'm worried about everyone. How are the others doing with the mission? I worry about Wooyoung because he's my partner and best friend, but you... you're the one I worry about almost every day. I always want to know if you're okay, if there's been a surprise raid or something. It tears me apart every night, making me unable to sleep, but it keeps me fighting on, so if I'm being violent, it's only for the purpose of protecting us... of protecting you..."
Yunho doesn't know what to say. He was now staring at San like a statue. They were still standing in the downpour. Yunho sighed quietly, he needed to think, so he turned around and spoke softly.
"Let's go home."
He felt San grab his arm and try to turn him around. Yunho turned in his direction and felt San's fingers hooked into the collar of his shirt and lips pressed against his lips. Yunho became numb again. San kissed him.
San. Kissed. Him.
He's ready to scream.
But again he did nothing. When he pulled away, without any response, San looked so shabby, like a battered and very wet kitten that had fallen into a puddle.
"Come on. Let's go home." he grabbed San's hand, and it looks more like he pulled him along because the younger man looked like he wanted to disappear. Yunho was already wishing he hadn't reciprocated, it would have been easier that way, but he was stubbornly caught up in his thoughts and he really needed to think. There was still that damn water running down his body.
They reached the garage faster than Yunho had anticipated they would have to go through. The downpour must have made them speed up. Yunho had been pulling San along the whole time.
The garage was on a low-traffic street, which Yunho liked very much, because passersby didn't come by very often with some sort of fix. He needs to change his clothes right away. He feels like a wet dog.
As soon as the two of them entered the garage, San abruptly yanked his hand out of Yunho's grip and headed toward the van parked in the garage. Yunho could have let him go, but he had one important thing to do ― take care of San. As soon as the junior opened the back door of the van, Yunho grabbed his arm again.
"Where are you going?" asked Yunho.
"I don't want to get in your way." San was about to break free, but this time Yunho didn't let him go "What?"
"Your hands are covered in abrasions..."
"So what?"
"They need to be processed."
San realized that Yunho wouldn't just let him go, so he sighed heavily and closed the van door with a thud. Yunho smiled slightly at this. Still, San, willing to listen to him even if very much offended. Yunho is sure San is offended by him, maybe even angry, whoever it is, after such silence on the most obvious confession. He's left the younger man in a terrible let down, and keeps pestering him with this weird worry about his hands being bloody. If Yunho had been in San's shoes he would have punched himself, but San is San, he doesn't hurt those he cares about.
At the back of the garage was the room where Yunho and Jongho were staying. There were only the bare necessities, like two mattresses and their bags of belongings, some would say empty, but they didn't need much more than that. In the corner of the room were accumulated packages of fast food that Yeosang had delivered for them.
The best part of their garage was having a very small shower room with a toilet, Yunho blessed it. He didn't envy San and Wooyoung, who had to live in that van and, God forbid, get a proper shower once a week at some cheap motel.
Yunho directed the younger man to the shower room, he heard the sound of water turning on. Apparently San had decided to rinse his hands to make it easier for him, Yunho was grateful for that. He himself changed into dry clothes very quickly. Since he was grabbing San's hand, his clothes were stained with small spots of blood that were left on Yunho's hands. He didn't care, clean clothes weren't the most important thing in their circumstances. The elder also grabbed a first aid kit and a t-shirt for San so that he wouldn't aggravate the look of a soaked kitten in Yunho's eyes.
Walking into the shower room, Yunho had a view of San sitting on the toilet lid and steadying himself on his hands. He threw his jacket on the floor of the shower room. If Yunho could, he would have stroked San's head and enclosed him in a hug. He held out a t-shirt to him.
"Change."
San did it very slowly, it felt like he wasn't in this room and it was just his ghost. Yunho was terrified by this picture.
The older man pulled a stool out of the corner and sat on it in front of the younger man. It was very small, making it uncomfortable for Yunho's long legs, but he was willing to tolerate it. He placed the first aid kit next to him, taking out some absorbent cotton and antiseptic. He tried to ignore San, who was changing clothes right in front of him. He didn't need the extra thoughts in his head just yet.
Yunho held out his hand and San put his own in. His hands were rough and chapped from all the frequent fighting. San's smaller hand looked too rough in Yunho's hands.
When the older man made the first touch to the wound on his knuckles, San hissed at it.
"Sorry."
San didn't say anything back to him.
Yunho continued to work on his arm. His movements were precise and accurate, as if San was made of crystal. He methodically treated the wounds while immersed in his thoughts. The shower room was filled with the smell of antiseptic and blood, which forced Yunho to remain vigilant. He tried to read San's every movement and emotion, but he continued to sit staring at their hands.
When Yunho finished with one hand and began to work on the other, San decided to speak.
"You shouldn't have been doing that." he said it so quietly, as if he didn't want anyone to hear him.
"I want to."
"Why?"
Yunho paused for a moment because he wanted to pick the right answer to this question. The problem was that he didn't have the right answer. All his thoughts were adding up to the fact that he wanted to show wild concern for the younger man, but for some reason, he felt it was inappropriate right now. Not after the way he'd acted a few minutes ago, out there on the street. So he decided to answer simply.
"Because, I'm worried about you."
San snorted at this, as if the phrase was a mockery of the words he was saying. Junior pulled his hand out of Yunho's grip.
"You think this is funny?" San really thought Yunho was mocking him.
"No."
"And I think..." Yunho didn't let him finish and grabbed San's hand again.
"I needed to process everything that happened."
"And what do you have in mind?"
Junior isn't going to drop the subject, but they should have talked about it a long time ago. Yunho understands why San wants to get some sort of coherent answer out of him for all of his actions. He leaves the question unanswered.
As soon as Yunho finished working on San's hands, he once again pulled his hand out, stood up abruptly and was about to leave. The older man stood up, blocking the younger man's path, and the stool he was sitting on fell on its side with a loud thud. Yunho towered over San, but he was not frightened, as if Yunho towering over him was just an ordinary thing.
"Let me pass." Yunho didn't budge, continuing to stare at San. He threw away the absorbent cotton, he would deal with the mess later, right now he had another mess in front of him to deal with. The older man slowly raised his hands and placed them on San's shoulders, he felt himself tense up under his hands.
"I..." he began cautiously, "I don't want it to be like this, I don't want to see how hard it is for you and how it changes you."
"This is the kind of job we have. It can't be easy."
"I understand, but I wish things were different."
"Why can't you say it straight?"
"Because I don't know how!" Yunho snapped, he began to feel tears begin to form in his eyes, "I don't know how to do this. I want a lot of things, I have a huge amount of thoughts in my head about our mission, about the other participants... About you." he noticed the worry in San's eyes, "You're a very selfless person Sanny and I hate that. You're willing to give up everything to accomplish a task. You're willing to sacrifice your life and I fucking hate that. I don't want you to do that to yourself… because I just don't know what I'm going to do next. I don't know what I'll do without you..."
Yunho felt himself start to fall, but San caught him. The younger man grabbed him and pulled him into his arms, he felt hands on his back, which began to move in small circles in an effort to calm him down. Yunho wished he could stay here.
"I'm sorry, I don't have to-" the older man interrupted San.
"Don't. You don't have to apologize for this. I have no right to act so selfishly, but I can't do it any other way."
San tried to pull away from Yunho slightly to look him in the eyes. The older man didn't want to be seen like this, so he squeezed San tighter, but he showed strength and still pulled away. Yunho felt hands on his face, the tear-washed face of the younger one appeared in front of him.
"You shouldn't keep it all to yourself." Yunho had already opened his mouth to oppose, but San didn't let him. "No, you shouldn't, we needed to talk about it. I was doing all this to keep us and you safe. Am I giving myself wholeheartedly to this case? Yes, because that's the kind of person I am and no one could change that about me. I didn't see the payoff from you and I just didn't know what to do about it. I was terribly confused and I just tried to distract myself from it by doing my own thing." He gently wiped the tears from Yunho's face, "I don't want to do that to you and right now it really hurts me to see you like this. Let's not think about “what if?" just yet, we'll wait for a quiet time and talk about it, okay?"
"But what..." began Yunho, but San interrupted him again.
"No, I told you, we'll wait. This moment will happen. I'm not going to let anything happen."
The shower lamp buzzed above them. They sank into the silence. It wasn't tense, but it felt like the conversation wasn't finished, but they realized they would talk about it later. Yunho sighed heavily, no more tears pouring from his eyes.
The older one slowly leaned towards San, he paused before the younger one's lips because he was afraid. San lifted himself up and they merged in a slow kiss. Yunho pulled the younger man tightly around his shouldes. He wanted to dissolve into this moment, this damn shower in the back of the garage. He wasn't going to let go of San anytime soon, San apparently not either.
Later, they settled down on Yunho's mattress. San was against the wall and Yunho was on the edge. They lay on it facing each other with their hands between them. Yunho was stroking San's bandaged knuckles. The younger man stared at him, trying to read the thoughts in his head.
"So how long has it been...?" Yunho began.
"I don't know." the older man looked up at San, "I think it just started out as something expected, I was attracted to you right away, but to say at what point it grew into something bigger and more serious? I can't say. It's like this feeling has been with me forever."
Yunho felt so stupid. He noticed San was paying attention to him, but he didn't want to get his hopes up about what he was hoping for.
"What about you?"
"I guess all your attempts at self-sacrifice finally got to me." San snorted at that, "But I was afraid to show it because I didn't think it could be mutual."
They fell back into silence. From the small window at the top of the wall they could hear the sounds of the street, and the rain had stopped. Yunho's sternum itched.
"Can I..." San showed that he was willing to fulfill anything Yunho suggested, "Can I hug you?"
"Of course." San replied immediately, without a shadow of a doubt.
Yunho moved towards San, the latter opened his arms in invitation. The older man nuzzled into his neck and hugged him tightly, he felt hands on him, one wrapped around his back and the other burrowed into his hair at the back of his neck, making slow scratching motions. Yunho inhaled and smelled San's scent. A scent that helped calm him down. Musk, sweat, and blood. He wished he could cross blood off that list, he waits for the moment when San won't smell like the blood of those he fights.
They didn't speak again.
They'll deal with everything later, when there's no danger waiting around the corner.
But right now, Yunho was glad to be lying in San's arms and slowly sinking into dreamland.