Chapter Text
Chan takes some of the kids to the Hyundai shopping mall on a random Saturday. There’s a reason they call him the group-dad, and it’s not just because the up-and-coming music producer out-earns them all and pays for things so often; he really takes the role as the leader of the friend-group seriously.
Seungmin, for his part, is pretty sure that Felix and Hyunjin are scheming to trap Chan in a changing room with Felix during the outing, but he figures that at this point it’s worth trying. God knows Felix has been pining since everyone was in college together and Chan needs to be smacked upside the head.
The reason Seungmin is one of the shopping mall attendees is simple: Jeongin is going too.
He doesn’t need any new clothes but he came to the resigned conclusion, years ago, that anywhere that Jeongin goes is where he wants to be. It’s fine. He has settled into the comfort of wanting without having, at this point, and the ache is old and familiar—to the point where he might not know what to do with himself if it went away. He is in love with his best friend, he is that tired cliché, and he has made peace with it.
“Hold this for me?” Jeongin says now, handing him something without looking away from the row of jackets he was perusing.
Seungmin takes it; the jacket is heavy, layered and with a big fluffy hood. Jeongin would look adorable in it, as he does in everything.
“Oh, and this?” Jeongin adds, and gives Seungmin a second jacket—the same design but in black instead of dark brown, the colors nearly indistinguishable.
They dwarf Seungmin, both voluminous, both so heavy that his lithe arms are straining just a few seconds in. He envisions Hyunjin or Felix asking him to do the same, and how much complaining he would be doing right now… he might have even refused, in fact. But with Jeongin, he presses his mouth shut and perseveres, wanting to be… gracious. Wanting to be agreeable. It’s another side effect of his chronic Jeongin-related condition; that Seungmin is weak, weak, weak to his bidding.
“Thanks hyungie, just wanna find a mirror…”
Jeongin eventually does find one, and they shuffle over to it, Seungmin holding his clothes, Jeongin trying on both jackets with a critical eye. Seungmin isn’t sure what he’s looking for; his hair is black again after that adorable ginger period and it looks good with every color (ginger did too, really; the face below it could pull anything off).
Eventually, Jeongin decides on neither and instead buys an adorable French beret and a sweater that he won’t be able to wear much longer this season, as spring is getting hotter. Seungmin carries his bags (light, doable) and informs Chan and his big muscles that he’s done, and Chan can shoulder everyone else’s, thank you very much.
Chan seems delighted regardless, looking like the brute-force security guard he definitely isn’t to Felix’s (and Hyunjin’s and Jeongin’s) fashionistas. They wander into more stores, check out other brands, and Seungmin has Jeongin’s bags so he has to doggedly trail him the whole time, which if he’s being honest with himself was the plan all along.
Felix succeeds in getting Chan in a changing room with him in the Moncler outlet, and Hyunjin rushes Seungmin and Jeongin to leave without the other two so that they have some additional privacy. Seungmin is impressed; Felix can be conniving when he wants something badly enough, and he wants Chan a lot.
Inside Gucci, the store clerk starts hitting on Hyunjin just the way he likes it—enthusiastic, a touch desperate, friendly, and he waves at Seungmin and Jeongin to move on without him, leaving them the last two doing any actual shopping. Getting one-on-one time with Jeongin is an even better outcome than Seungmin had hoped, so he’s not about to complain.
They wander from Prada to YSL to Bottega Veneta, as Jeongin browses and tries things on, using Seungmin to bring things to and from various dressing rooms.
“Oh, can you check to see if they have this in a bigger size?” eventually becomes “Find this in a bigger size please, hyung,” not because Jeongin is rude but because he is distracted, and Seungmin doesn’t mind that they are requests instead of questions. It’s helpful to have something to do, he’d be so bored otherwise.
“Get me the yellow one please.”
“Ask the clerk for the price, I can’t find it.”
“Come, let’s check out the next store.”
It’s helpful. He feels helpful, he feels… good. He thinks of making a joke of it for a moment, saying something like “Heel, sit, paw, roll-over,” in a mocking tone, but doesn’t. The jokes about him being a dog are tired, anyway.
A calm, zen-like peace creeps in as the afternoon progresses. There are dozens of mindless tasks for him to perform: get me this, exchange that, hold this, no, the other color, yes thank you, wait for me, come this way, go that way, fetch. It takes no thought to do as Jeongin asks, and he finds himself sinking in to the thoughtlessness of it. It’s downright pleasant, actually; he had shown up intending to weather the event in order to pathetically soak up Jeongin’s presence, but something warm blooms inside him as the commands continue. Requests, not commands, but.
“Seungmin-hyung.”
The warmth flows through him, spreading from his chest to his gut to his neck and his face, warmth up to his hairline and a floaty lightness to his brain. He feels… vacant, in a good way. A vessel to carry out Jeongin’s bidding, because none of his duties require a single spark of opinion or reason so it’s okay for him to just dumbly follow orders.
“Hyung.”
A vague part of him recognizes the feeling but is confused by the context, and anyway he’s too empty to question it. Too light.
“Hyung. Hello?”
He blinks, finding Jeongin in front of him with a curious expression on his face. A few meters behind him, Felix and Hyunjin are looking at earrings while Chan looks fondly at them—Seungmin has no idea when the group re-united. He also isn’t sure how much time has passed, he’s a bit lost.
“What?”
He feels off. Like his descent from that floating place is going slow. Like a feather in a breeze; light.
“What? You were staring into space.” Jeongin sounds confused, but not upset. His voice becomes kinder, actually, as he watches Seungmin for longer. “Are you… feeling okay?”
“M’fine,” Seungmin replies automatically, but it’s a half-truth. “Yes. Of course.”
“…Okay.” Jeongin hesitates for a moment. “Do you want to go home?”
It feels difficult, to answer questions in this state. So much easier to be told things. Seungmin frowns—does he want to go home? What does he want?
“Hey guys!” Chan calls, waving at them. “If we want to beat traffic we should probably head out soon, what do you think?”
Jeongin checks Seungmin’s face, a silent question in his eyes, but Seungmin is in no place to answer him yet. He’s relieved, when Jeongin responds for both of them: “Sure!” And they start weaving their way to the others in order to head back to the parking lot. Felix is clinging to Chan and giggling with Hyunjin, calling Chan his ‘sugar daddy’ and making Chan blush crimson while Hyunjin snorts in the background. It’s all very in character: Felix’s ‘daddy’ jokes are getting pretty blatant, Chan’s sputtering blushes are getting a lot worse, and Hyunjin got three different phone numbers that he’s not going to call but will be sure to tell Changbin about the next time they all hang out together. Meanwhile Jeongin and Seungmin were behaving, innocently doing their own thing while their friends acted messy, like they always do.
Or.
Well.
They’ve never done this before. Seungmin still feels a bit funny, a bit floating, though gradually less so as they pile into the car. He is torn between the fact that it’s dawning on him, what just happened, and the wish that Jeongin would comment on how attentive and obedient he was today. He’s usually quick to cater to Jeongin’s whims, but he’s not normally quite so docile, and a part of him wants… acknowledgement. A simple ‘good job, hyung’ would suffice. Hell, a pat on the shoulder or, or on his head, just any soft gesture of approval. Something. Anything.
“Hyung,” Jeongin mutters next to him. They made Seungmin sit in the middle seat between him and Hyunjin because he’s the smallest of the three.
“Mh?”
“Thanks for coming and helping me today, I know you don’t like shopping.” His hand briefly rests on Seungmin’s knee, then pulls away. “It was nice. You were… so helpful.”
The words are a balm, and Seungmin feels some of his inner tension start to deflate.
“Seungmin? Helpful?” Hyunjin says, snorting. “That’s surprising.”
The others chuckle but Jeongin puts his hand back on Seungmin’s knee, and this time waits a lot longer before moving.
*
The day at Hyundai is the first time it happens, but it’s not the last.
*
Three years ago, Seungmin entered into a shitty relationship that involved dominant-submissive play in the bedroom, and he’s not naïve to that stuff at all. He prefers submission, though it had taken his ex some brat-taming to get him there, and when he eventually succumbed to the space he found it so addicting that he stayed with that abusive asshole way longer than he should have. It was his first foray into that side of himself and he was young, inexperienced and stumbled into it at the time, but he has done a lot of research since and has vague plans for safe practices in the future with a partner that he trusts. He has gone to therapy about it. He is well-informed now, if not yet well-experienced.
What happens at Hyundai feels like a slap in the face of all his planning, because he has never succumbed outside of an explicitly sexual environment, and never so easily before.
For days afterwards he mulls over the events at the mall and how he felt around Jeongin. He has a tendency to indulge Jeongin and do as he asks—everyone in the friend-group does, he’s the maknae, he was so shy when they all first met him, so adorable, they all loved catering to his every whim. But as Jeongin has grown in his confidence their babying of him has become more of a joke; he is taller than half the kids, more muscular, too, and he is arguably more mature than most of them as well. He still gets away with most anything he wants, but it’s different now, and Seungmin knows this better than anyone.
Indulging him is one thing, but he's never drifted down to subspace for Jeongin before. And certainly never as deep as he went at the mall.
He decides that he’s going to need to be careful, and prevent it from happening again, but he can’t help but worry about the lingering high from such a powerful hit of that drug.
*
A week later, Changbin hosts Hyunjin’s birthday party in his apartment for some reason that Seungmin does not care about, and everyone gets a little bit drunk and acts a little bit stupid except for Seungmin and Jeongin, again. This is par for the course in a friend-group where most of the people want to sleep with each other but somehow, miraculously, no one has yet, and four years in the kettle has passed the boiling point and is whistling at an eardrum-shattering pitch. Maybe tonight will be the night someone caves and finally lays one on someone else, but given their history… probably not.
Felix gropes Chan so blatantly that it tips Chan past some internal breaking point and causes him to abruptly get up and leave. Changbin and Hyunjin get into an argument that turns into a shouting match (and sure, Seungmin helps them along, but it’s not like it’s his fault) and the sexual tension in the air between them becomes cloying. Jisung ends up drunk in Minho’s lap and looks so blissed out that Seungmin feels a curl of jealousy despite knowing that situation is a hot mess involving Jisung’s still-unrealized sexuality, and not envying the drama that is surely yet to unfold before someone knocks some sense into him.
As always, him and Jeongin are left to watch as their friends act up from the sidelines, but after Chan leaves and Felix goes to take a nap in Changbins room, the two couples remaining have a clearly worse off pair. Changbin and Hyunjin are facing each other on the larger couch, but at least they are a respectable distance away compared to Jisung sitting back-to-chest on Minho. Even as Seungmin watches, Jisung takes Minho’s hand and slides it from his waist to his lower stomach, pressing it in like it’s helping soothe some ache there. His eyes are closed but his face is pinched with tension, clearly seeking something. It’s obscene.
“God, look at those two,” Jeongin murmurs.
Seungmin already was because it’s like a car crash; he’s not not concerned that Jisung is a little hard as he shifts his hips back into Minho’s lap… but he wishes he hadn’t been looking so that he could do it now, as Jeongin is telling him to. So he could do what Jeongin is telling him to.
Wait. Shit. All this tension in the air is sending confusing signals to his brain and his—other organs, he’s not supposed to be seeking out commands and instructions, he’s supposed to be on the lookout to fight that. Down, boy, he thinks to himself, gritting his teeth.
“Minho, are you okay?” Changbin asks from the other couch. He interrupted his heated discussion to look at Jisung and Minho, too, and Hyunjin looks taken aback but Seungmin finds it endearingly in character. Changbin is the self-appointed guardian of poor Minho’s lovesick heart, and it’s really noble of him and all, even if Seungmin would have preferred to quietly gossip with Jeongin a few moments longer.
Minho drags reluctant eyes from the side of Jisung’s face to the others.
“S’fine. He’s asleep,” he whispers, soft. “I don’t mind it.”
Seungmin scoffs, both because Jisung is not asleep and because Minho clearly minds it, just not in the way that he should.
Changbin stands up, arms reaching towards Jisung. “I’ll get him off you,” he says, and Seungmin watches reluctance and relief war in Minho’s eyes before he nods, mutters: “Thanks, Changbin-ah,” and then Changbin is lifting Jisung up.
Jisung’s eyes open immediately, big with disappointment. He’s so stupid, Seungmin thinks bitterly. He could have the one he loves if he’d just open his eyes properly, metaphorically. He is squandering something others would kill to have.
“Who is gonna help me take Jisungie home?” Changbin asks.
“Hyung,” Jisung pouts, and they all know which hyung he means.
Seungmin sighs and stands up, full of annoyance but knowing what is best for his stupid, stupid friend. “I’ll do it. Makes sense for me to.” They live a block away from each other, in the cheap apartments just outside of campus that all four seniors moved out to for their final year. He’ll stay and make sure Jisung sobers up enough to be safe by himself because he actually loves him a lot, no matter how frustrating he is.
“Thanks, Seungminnie.”
“Hyung,” Jisung whines again, and the look on Minho’s face makes Seungmin’s chest hurt.
“Bye, Jisungie,” Minho says, and then Changbin gently coaxes Jisung towards the door. Seungmin waves goodbye to the others; pensive Minho and disappointed Hyunjin, and finally Jeongin, who didn’t move from his floor pillow but watched them from afar.
“Text me when you get home, hyung,” he calls to Seungmin, and a shiver runs down Seungmin’s spine at his tone.
“I will,” he says, helpless, and shuts the door behind them. Jisung is way steadier on his feet than he was expecting, but even if he stumbles Changbin’s got it. Seungmin is just there for moral support, really.
*
He texts Jeongin the second he’s through his own doorway, phone shaky in his hands, still toeing his shoes off. He almost makes two typos, he’s so clumsy.
just got home
And Jeongin responds a minute later, with one word.
good
He doesn’t think too hard about what he’s doing as he trips over to his bed and grabs at his own neck to hold it while he jerks off, breaths hitching and cheeks burning as he hears the word in Jeongin’s voice, low and simple but so charged that his lashes flutter ecstatically at the thought. Good. Good. Good. Good good good—
*
yo can I come eat dinner on your couch
Him and Jisung hang out sometimes—living near each other means it’s easy to walk over to each other’s place, and neither deals with the frequent dance rehearsals that alter Minho, Hynjin and Felix’s schedules so many evenings a week, making time after classes the easiest to free up.
Jisung hits him up the week following Hyunjin’s birthday dinner, and Seungmin accepts after internally gaging whether his frustration at him has faded. He knows it’s misplaced jealousy, but he can’t help himself—putting himself in Jisung’s place and imagining that his best friend, the object of his affections, was as in love with him as Minho is with Jisung… well. It makes him furious to watch someone squander that kind of potential happiness from up close.
“Have you heard from Chan?” Jisung asks, chewing with his mouth open on Seungmin’s spotlessly clean couch. “Has Jeongin?”
“No. I think Changbin is gonna do a wellness check soon if he still doesn’t say anything.”
Chan seems to have vanished off the face of the Earth the past week for some reason.
“His Instagram updated something about a new collab with an American artist, so he’s like… alive.” Jisung is frowning. “But Minho says it’s been taking him a day or two to text back, if he remembers. That’s so unlike him, don’t you think?”
“Yeah.” He’s not sure what the deal is with Chan right now—he’s actively transitioning from recently-graduated amateur music producer to up-and-coming big-deal music producer and he certainly has less time for his friends than he did when they were all in school, but this past week has been extremely out of character. He’s usually annoyingly responsive via KakaoTalk, one of the main texters in the group-chat the eight of them share, and the sudden radio silence is jarring.
Maybe Felix finally crossed a line while he was drunk that night? He seemed his usual overly affectionate self, but he was the drunkest among them by far, maybe he forgot himself when he was plastered all over Chan on the couch and said something he can’t take back?
“He tends to overwork when he’s stressed though, doesn’t he?”
“I guess. I wish he’d talk to us instead,” Jisung sighs.
“Me too, but we’re all shit at talking to each other, Jisung-ah,” Seungmin counters, and Jisung snorts and laughs.
“That’s fair.” He ends up looking at Seungmin consideringly. “Speaking of… are you dating anyone, Minnie?”
Seungmin blinks. “…No, why.”
“Nothing. I just wondered… you’ve been single since what’s his face. Do-hyun, right? Wasn’t that over two years ago?”
Seungmin nods, putting down his chopsticks. Jisung must have some sort of point he’s trying to get to, but Seungmin hasn’t figured out what it is, yet. “Yeah, around two years. Why?” He’s not going to throw out a platitude that’s a lie about how he hasn’t found the right person since—he’s found them. He gets to be near them. That’s going to have to be enough for the rest of his life.
“I know he sucked, but you’re not still hung up on him are you?”
If it were socially acceptable for Seungmin to fully spit on the ground of his own apartment at the thought, he would. “I am definitely not hung up on him,” he says firmly instead, and means it. Do-hyun hurt him in ways that took a long time to heal from, but Seungmin’s addiction to how he made him feel was never love, and once he realized the extent to which Do-hyun had harmed him he realized that he was never, ever going to feel anything positive for Do-hyun ever again. “Why are you asking about my love life?” He’s really asking about Seungmin’s lack thereof.
Jisung shrugs. “I don’t know… you’re really hot and it’s weird that we have so many hot and single friends?”
“Flattery will get you nowhere, Han Jisung.”
Jisung blushes a little, and Seungmin is flattered in spite of himself. “Shut up, I-I was just thinking about Minho, and how weird it is that he’s single, you know?”
Oh here he goes, god dammit…
“And I guess, I mean he gets plenty of offers, half the campus is, like, obsessed with him, but it’s kind of crazy that he’s never had a long-term boyfriend…”
Seungmin picks his chopsticks back up and resumes eating, tuning Jisung out in favor of focusing on his food. Jisung is a good friend and a caring and thoughtful person, but there are moments when Seungmin really wants to kill him. Another time he might have texted Jeongin about it, because they complain to each other about the others all the time, but his accidental scene at the mall is still too fresh in his mind and he chickens out. That, and his reaction to Jeongin’s single, meaningless good text.
So he stays silent, and shoos Jisung away after dinner, and holds off from masturbating thinking about Jeongin’s distracted nods of approval and off-handed smiles when Seungmin retrieved something he wanted. He doesn’t think about how it equated, in Seungmin’s mind, to the way someone would indulge an overeager pet who did well in a public setting but ultimately wasn’t the focus of the outing. He doesn’t think about Jeongin’s hand on his knee in the car, how his large palm wrapped around Seungmin’s skinny thigh, how warm it was. He certainly doesn’t thumb his phone open and re-read the text right before he comes, panting with his tongue lolling out, drooling down the side of his chin.
*
you have to finish Vincenzo hyung you’re years behind
Seungmin had lost interest about five episodes in, but the next day he watches two more just so he can text Jeongin back in the evening.
working on it, just finished ep 7
watch one more before bed!
It’s ten at night, not so late but not so early that the extra hour might not be felt by Seungmin at his early morning class. He wants to say something. He wants to say no, be a brat about it, refuse to ever touch the show again.
are u watching?
yes
send me proof
He takes a selfie where only the side of his face is visible, but Vincenzo episode eight is on his television screen.
nice
youll love it
The worst part is not that he’s right, though he is—the worst part is how Seungmin feels when reading the word ‘nice’.
*
“Pass me the oil?”
Familiarity breeds comfort, and three years into their friendship Seungmin and Jeongin are very familiar with each other. Instead of saying ‘hyung, can you please pass me the oil?’ Jeongin is comfortable just pointing at his intended target and wording things a bit more casually. It’s a familiar setting, too; they are grabbing lunch on campus between classes. Even though he’s a year ahead of Jeongin and studying for a different degree, Seungmin’s schedule molds to his pretty well, and they have free lunch periods on Tuesdays and Thursdays which they usually spend together. These are, tragically, often the highlights of Seungmin’s week.
He passes Jeongin the oil on his end of the table and forces himself to think nothing of such a simple request. Jeongin clearly doesn’t. Seungmin doesn’t even know if Jeongin has ever put someone into subspace on purpose, let alone on accident. He definitely didn’t recognize when he did it to Seungmin while shopping, and he’s not intending to do it now.
Despite their familiarity, they’ve never talked about their sex lives with each other because that’s not the kind of relationship they have. Jeongin knows Do-hyun was an asshole but not why, and he has no idea that Seungmin gets off on being told what to do. Likewise, Seungmin has no idea what Jeongin likes in bed. The topic of sex comes up amongst the group sometimes and he has a vague sense for people’s preferences regarding topping and bottoming, for those that have them, but Jeongin is usually silent unless it’s to quietly agree or disagree with something random, like Changbin’s opinion on period sex (staunchly in favor; Jeongin had voiced his approval) or Hyunjin’s thoughts on threesomes (not worth it unless he is the focus; Jeongin had shaken his head in disinterest).
“Hyung?”
“Hm?”
Jeongin makes a face at him, and Seungmin feels a smile immediately curve his mouth up. It’s hard not to smile when Jeongin is with him—makes it feel like the restaurant around them melts away, dissolves into irrelevant background.
“You’ve been a bit distracted lately, yeah?”
“Me?” He has. “No I haven’t.”
“No?” Pretty eyes flatten skeptically. Jeongin is annoyingly good at seeing through his bullshit sometimes. “Is something going on? Do you have someone… special on your mind, or something?”
He asks Seungmin this a lot—kind of like how Jisung did the other night, Jeongin has expressed skepticism at the idea of Seungmin remaining single for two years, not even a casual hookup or random date to speak of here or there the way all the others do. He seems to believe Seungmin is concealing a secret love-affair he doesn’t want to publicize.
“Nope.” He’s gotten good at concealing his feelings for him from him, at least. “No one special. People suck.”
Jeongin snorts, rolling his eyes. “One day you’re gonna open up to me.”
“Eh, probably not.”
That makes him laugh, which was the goal, and Seungmin smiles even bigger, embarrassing and wide, pleased as punch with himself. Jeongin laughs so cutely, he is truly so—so cute—
“Why not?” he asks, still half-chuckling. “What would it take, huh?”
He’s teasing. Seungmin’s smile stays in place. “Torture, probably,” he says easily.
“Torture?” This is a hilarious notion to Jeongin, apparently. “Like, flogging and stuff?”
Okay, now is a good moment to stop this.
“And stuff,” Seungmin says noncommittally.
“You don’t seem like the kind of person to do well with pain,” Jeongin says, no longer laughing but still with humor in his tone. He’s right, by the way; Seungmin is into the loss of control, not the pain. Do-hyun didn’t understand the distinction. “You’d cave in two seconds, I think.”
He would. “I probably would.”
Jeongin is watching his face. “…You know, some people are into that.”
Seungmin keeps his expression carefully blank, knowing he should have ended the conversation four sentences ago. “Into torture?”
“Yeah. Flogging and stuff.”
“Hm. I guess.” End it. Stop it now. “Anyway, it’s not like you open up to me.”
“I told you about the church stuff,” Jeongin counters immediately, like he had the rebuttal ready. And he did; about a year after he started college across the country from his beloved Busan and loving family, Jeongin admitted to feeling conflicted about his relationship with God and the church. He’d grown so much so fast that first year, come out as bisexual to himself and then to his friends soon after. Him and Seungmin had talked about it a lot. It was around that time that twenty-year-old Seungmin started falling in puppy-love with nineteen-year-old Jeongin.
“That was three years ago, Iyen-ah.”
“Still counts.” He scoots forward in his seat, gaze intent. “You never tell me anything. Especially lately.”
“There’s nothing to tell.” I love you, he thinks, like he has for ages. It’s not new.
“There’s no way that’s true.”
“It is.” It’s not, but he can’t tell him the one thing. “Believe me.”
Jeongin rolls his eyes. “Fine, I’ll stop pushing. For now.” He turns back down to his rice, an irritated hunch to his shoulders. He can’t always tell when Seungmin is lying to him, but this was definitely one of the times.
Seungmin thinks sorry at him, but doesn’t say it. He can never say it.
*
In Seungmin’s defense, everyone in the friend-group is obsessed with Jeongin. He trips and they all coo, he smiles and they all sigh, he gets his way all the time. Hyunjin is arguably the worst of them; a self-declared ‘simp’ for Jeongin who makes no secret of it. He tries to kiss him all the time too, and even though Seungmin knows it’s supposed to be a joke and Hyunjin often checks to see how Changbin is reacting to the situation, it is still… not his favorite. But whatever, it’s fine, he knows Hyunjin glares at him whenever he successfully goads Changbin into putting him in a headlock, so tit for tat, and all that.
Their university campus is massive and they rarely run into each other, but on a random day after his class ends early Seungmin passes the humanities building and spots Hyunjin and Jeongin together. Hyunjin is ruffling Jeongin’s hair in a clear fit of cuteness-aggression, and Jeongin is batting him away without exerting the full force of his muscles.
“Hey!”
Seungmin runs up to them, which breaks up their little stalemate. The other students were watching with looks ranging from confusion to profound interest, but after they spring apart Seungmin notes that several people are shooting him interested looks, too. He wonders what they are seeing in his face that’s so fascinating.
“Hyung!” Jeongin grins, and Hyunjin smiles in surprise too. “Hi Seungmin!”
“Are you guys fighting?” he asks, knowing that wasn’t a fight.
“Yes,” says Jeongin, just as Hyunjin says: “No!”
All three laugh, and Hyunjin pats Jeongin’s shoulder. “Ayen was just asking me for my notes for art history from last year and he did it so cutely! I couldn’t resist.”
“You couldn’t resist mauling him?”
“I was showing him my love,” Hyunjin corrects, smirking. “There’s nothing Ayen could ask for that I wouldn’t give him.”
“What if I asked you not to show me your love?”
“What if he asked you not to show him your love?”
They speak in such perfect synchronization that it’s almost eerie, their voices and pitches matching each other.
Jeongin bursts out laughing, and Seungmin snickers while Hyunjin fakes offense and puts a hand over his chest like they shot him.
“Iyennie! My baby! You couldn’t live without my love, could you?”
Seungmin positions himself next to Jeongin so their sides are touching, and feels an unexpected hand curl heavy over his waist, pulling him in. “Sorry, Hyunjin-ah,” Jeongin says, grinning. His fingers dig into Seungmin’s narrow flesh, implying… something. That he’s on Seungmin’s side? That Seungmin’s love is the one he couldn’t live without?
“The betrayal,” Hyunjin sighs, but then he nods in the direction Seungmin was heading towards; out of campus. “Are we all heading home?”
“Yes, but I have an afternoon lab,” Seungmin says. “Just taking the break before I come back.”
“Ugh, that’s annoying,” Hyunjin says. “You science nerds have it tough, they are working our Minnie like a dog.”
“You’re hilarious,” Seungmin deadpans.
“Behave, pup.”
“Bite me.”
“You’d like that, wouldn’t you?”
Jeongin’s hand is still on his waist, preventing him from lunging at Hyunjin by tightening his grip.
“Hyung!” he scolds, holding on to Seungmin like he weighs nothing. “Stop that.”
“He started—”
“Hush.”
Seungmin’s mouth snaps shut. Hyunjin and Jeongin don’t seem to notice, but he does. Shit.
“Good dog,” Jeongin says, grinning, and Seungmin strangles a whimper in his throat before it comes out, turning it into a cough.
He keeps his wits about him, though—it takes a couple of head-shakes and a soft, contained growl when Jeongin eventually lets him go, but he holds on to reason that time, padding above water still. Not sinking yet.
*
Until he does again.
*
A couple of weeks after Hyunjin’s birthday and Chan’s disappearance, Minho finally gets a boyfriend and Jisung is insufferable about it. He would also be the first one to correct Seungmin (yes, even in his thoughts) and say that Myung is not Minho’s boyfriend yet and the two just started dating, but whatever. Minho deserves a chance to move on and Seungmin for one is glad he’s taking it.
He does reach a boiling point though, where he needs to vent to Jeongin about the situation or explode.
“And did you see the way he was all over him at dinner?” he adds, gesticulating at nothing as he speaks into his headphones while pacing his apartment. “He was practically marking his territory.” He thinks back to Jisung draped over Minho’s shoulder earlier tonight, sighing something about how he’s going to ‘put out more’ in order to not be ousted from his position as Minho’s soulmate by Minho’s new fling. It didn’t sound like the joke it was clearly intended to be, and Minho had looked like he was two seconds away from throwing caution to the wind and kissing him fully on the mouth right in front of everyone at the dinner-table (it was seven of them today because Chan is still MIA, but it would’ve been disastrous anyway).
“I know,” Jeongin sighs, right in Seungmin’s ear. “He needs to open his eyes.”
“It’s just ridiculous. They are so in love, they have it so easy,” Seungmin crosses his arms over his chest. His stomach rumbles; he was so irritated at dinner that he didn’t eat enough soup and now he’s hungry. “By the way, do you know if the GS25 is back to being open twenty-four hours?”
Which is how they end up on a late-night convenience store run together, Jeongin having immediately expressed interest in joining as soon as he realized Seungmin was going. They haven’t done this in a while, but it’s far from their first escapade; the GS25 is located between Seungmin’s apartment building and Jeongin’s dorm, about a ten minute walk from each, and makes for a perfect meeting place.
There’s a pleasant lack-of-routine routine to it; browsing the aisles together and then apart, taking their time picking out the food. Usually Seungmin is the one to carry their stuff in a shopping basket, and they can spend upwards of an hour in the campus GS25, because it’s massive and reliably well-stocked.
“Hyung,” Jeongin calls, making Seungmin lift his head up in the air to find him. “Over here.”
He goes, finding Jeongin holding a couple of bright packages.
“Thanks for grabbing that,” he says, tossing the snacks into Seungmin’s basket. Seungmin nods, and they separate again for a little while.
“Hyung, basket,” Jeongin calls, and Seungmin goes to him again, finding him one aisle over. This time Jeongin puts the miso chips in the basket without even looking, just with an off-handed: “Thanks.”
Seungmin is reluctant to wander too far after that in case Jeongin needs him again, so he hovers near him and has the basket at the ready when Jeongin wants it, eliciting a couple of approving smiles and a pleased nod when Jeongin realizes. Like he’s behaved well. Like he’s done good.
“Did you get a drink yet?”
Seungmin shakes his head.
“Let’s go look.”
They go, Seungmin following behind him, Jeongin pausing from time to time to silently add to the basket if things catch his eye on their way to the fridges. He puts his arm out or says: “Wait,” or “Ooh, here,” and Seungmin does. He waits. He goes. He offers the basket. He holds it, and follows. He shows him how dutiful he is. How trainable.
Eventually, Jeongin brings them to the wall of fridges with the drinks and they look around, Jeongin puttering about, Seungmin patiently waiting for him to need the basket.
“Try this,” Jeongin says, handing him a can. Seungmin almost opens it right there, before they’ve even paid, and then he registers that Jeongin meant he should try it later. He wants to shake his head to clear it, reset. He can’t. They pay (Jeongin pays) and go outside, braving an unusually chilly spring night. Their routine usually involves the campus park late at night, but Jeongin says: “Let’s go inside, it’s too cold without a jacket,” and leads them to Seungmin’s own apartment.
The studios are small but still nicer than the dorm rooms, and Seungmin is a neat person; his place is spotless. Jeongin hums in approval even though he’s been here plenty of times before, and he smiles big when their haul gets laid out on the low table in front of the couch.
“This was such a good idea, hyung,” he says, approving. Seungmin warms. “Hand me that?”
He’s pointing at one of the miso-chip packets, and Seungmin scrambles to pass it to him.
“Thanks.”
He tears into it without further ado, and Seungmin hesitates. He feels weird, like he needs to wait before choosing a snack of his own. He’s still hungry, but—
“Oh my God, these are amazing—you have to try these.”
Relief floods him—yes. It’s no decision to lean towards Jeongin and open his mouth—it’s not even that weird, they’ve bitten off the same sandwich before, feeding each other isn’t weird within a friend-group where Minho tried to start a game of ‘pass the ice cube’ mouth to mouth.
Jeongin puts a chip in his mouth, eyes on his task, and Seungmin chews down on a burst of flavor that goes so, so nicely with Jeongin’s: “Good, right?”
He nods, happy, and before he knows it he’s opening his mouth again for another.
If he’d been within his full faculties, he might have snagged the bag from Jeongin’s grip, maybe even tried to wrestle him for it (and yes, lost immediately). As is, Seungmin waits with his mouth open again, a faint ringing in his ears and a lightness in his hungry insides.
Jeongin waits a little longer this time, but Seungmin is patient. A second chip gets placed there, a second burst of flavor, and Seungmin blinks slowly in contentment. He opens his mouth again.
“You’re in a weird mood,” Jeongin comments, voice a bit unsteady.
Seungmin can’t answer. He waits.
Jeongin feeds him a third, then a fourth and a fifth piece. Seungmin feels half-present and half-not, anchored by the taste in his mouth and the pulsing warmth that is comfortably filling him, but also floating outside of himself as his favorite person in the world takes care of him.
“You’re…” Jeongin sounds uncertain, wavering. “Are you…?”
He doesn’t finish his questions, which is a relief because questions feel difficult, right now.
Wait. No. Seungmin is not meant to—Seungmin is meant to speak. To be able to answer questions. He’s not supposed to fall into this with Jeongin again, they aren’t even—
“I’m… tired,” he manages. It’s hard. Is it the hardest thing he’s ever done? Surely not. But God it feels that way.
“Oh.” Jeongin leans back, slowly at first and then really abruptly, lurching backwards on the couch. “Oh, y-yeah of course. Wanna watch something while we eat? We don’t have to talk.”
Not having to talk… Seungmin nods gratefully, and Jeongin grabs the remote and puts something mindless on the television. Mindless is good. Mindless helps, as they eat in silence and Seungmin slowly starts to regain his faculties, realizing what happened to him, again.
Shit. Shit.
The inner chagrin makes him feel terrible but the shitty feeling helps to dispel the fog, and he feels like he’s waking from a deep sleep. He’s even able to act like himself after a while, speaking normally to Jeongin when he eventually announces that he’s leaving with minimal fanfare, as is their usual.
He is not able to stop himself from immediately taking himself in hand, literally the second the door clicks shut, and jerking off with a desperation that feels utterly pathetic, pulling and pulling until he comes with a cry of relief, fully clothed with his pants still on, and newly damp boxers.
*
He has always been weary of enjoying anything with someone whom he has no romantic feelings for, but after the events at the convenience store he decides to attempt to fuck it out of his system.
Seungmin is nothing if not well-researched, and he spends an entire day online vetting apps and different services (he does not want to go to a club, that he decided) until he settles on a site that has fascinating ‘reviews’ for various Doms from prior partners who have been paired with them. He picks someone who seems trustworthy and is available in three days, and sends them a message from his account as soon as his online application is approved. The man seems to appreciate his direct tone and they exchange an extremely clinical back-and-forth of preferences, hard limits, soft limits, what constitutes what for the traffic-light system which they will use to gage each other’s comfort during the encounter, and recent test results.
He doesn’t really want to have sex with a stranger, but he is too afraid of his relationship with Jeongin changing into something unsustainable, and he has no idea how else to prevent it, other than being on the lookout.
And, of course, not hanging out with him alone anymore.
*
lunch today?
I can’t today
oh okay, no worries. see you tn at bar hang?
gonna miss it, have plans
with who??? you don’t have other friends
with my degree in computer engineering, asshole
*
He chickens out when the actual time comes, though.
He cancels the appointment with the Dom an hour before they are due to meet, and the man is very understanding despite the inconvenience Seungmin surely put him through. He can’t bring himself to leave his apartment and meet the other kids even though he is free, either; so he stays curled up on his couch and feels sorry for himself instead.
Jeongin texts him later to tell him that Hyunjin invited Minho’s new boyfriend to the hang and Jisung made a complete ass of himself (not surprising), so Seungmin feels vindicated in his decision to isolate himself. In his current shitty mood he might have snapped and yelled ‘You’re in love with your best friend! Wake up!’ at Jisung in the middle of the bar, and gotten into trouble.
we missed you, Jeongin adds.
you missed me because there was drama
there’s always drama
you should’ve been there to keep me company during the drama like always
do better next time
Seungmin blinks at his phone screen, staunchly fighting the stupid prickling heat at the corners of his eyes.
ok I will
yes you will
He can’t think of a response to that so he was going to leave the convo there, but thirty minutes later Jeongin sends another text.
I was joking btw you’re always good
And it’s pathetic, really, how shaky his sigh of relief is.
*
After his solo pity party, Seungmin makes the decision to cut back on Jeongin without totally icing him out, because he can’t fathom that. He sticks to avoiding one-on-one time with Jeongin but still sees him in group settings, so he tries not to miss him too much, and he also works on re-donning the comforting cloak of his overarching resignation, which was keeping him warm enough until recent developments. He can just love Jeongin from afar, like always. It’s enough.
It has to be.
He tries to keep himself occupied in other ways. He deletes his account from the online service, but expands his usual research to include his current predicament and finds that he is far from the first person it has happened to, which is a comfort. He also hangs out with his other friends—tries working out with Changbin one time and immediately quits, goes on a couple of walks with Hyunjin instead, meets up with Felix (who is a nervous wreck over Chan’s disappearance and clearly needs comforting) and even gets dinner with Jisung again. He is starting to feel more sorry for Jisung than angry at him, because Jisung has been walking around with quiet panic and desperation in his big tapioca-pearl eyes these days.
Jeongin keeps texting him like always; random bits of gossip, selfies, check-ins like nothing’s changed. On paper nothing has, of course.
lunch by myself again today :|, and a picture of his rice bowl from their usual place.
grab your sunglasses today or a baseball hat, it’s really sunny
cute dog on the street looks like u, watch the whole video
bored in class, entertain me
look at this puppy in a jacket!!
hyunjin is sooo annoying he wants changbin to rail him so bad come save me from hanging out w them alone
I heard lix and jisung showed up at chan-hyungs studio yesterday
Seungmin is very good about not texting Jeongin first, or letting their interactions fall into any sort of realm that might put him at risk, but he does answer on occasion, and the studio visit is one of them.
we become a bunch of lost orphans without chan-hyung don’t we
yeah kind of
Minho-hyung too busy having a boyfriend to step up and be step-mom
honestly? that would make me respect minho-hyung more
but we both know he feels responsible
and he’s like incapable of neglect
yeah youre right
speaking of neglect are u free for lunch today or what?
no sorry in
too busy
wtf is making you soooo busy lately
have lunch with me
But Seungmin knows he has to stop responding at that point, so he does.
*
A couple of weeks into this, Minho organizes a barbecue outing. It’s set to happen the night before a big dance showcase that determines some huge chunk of Felix and Hyunjin’s final grades. To Seungmin, this seems like a crazy way to assess students just two months before graduation, but what does he know. Minho is the dance instructor for that class, but he is not the sole person in charge of their scores, and it’s his first year on the job so he has a lot to prove too. Everyone seems really nervous except for Seungmin, because he has seen all three of his friends move like their joints are made of fluid, and has no doubt Felix and Hyunjin are going to be incredible and get top marks.
In a shocking turn of events, Chan miraculously resurfaces just in time for the barbecue dinner.
He is the first one to reply that he’ll be there, in the main group-chat even, and Jeongin immediately side-texts Seungmin to say studio visit worked we think?!??! and Seungmin responds with a dry thumbs up emoji and nothing more, because he is being good. In the… the healthy way, not the other one.
He is glad, though; having Chan back is recentering. He was the initiator of the friend-group after all, he’s one of the pillars. When he walks into the barbecue place, all eight of them (Minho’s boyfriend is there too) erupt into cheers, which makes Chan blush instantly.
"We were going to file a missing person's report!" Jeongin says, teasing. He used to be shier around Chan, before, but as he’s grown so has his confidence.
"I looked into senior care homes to see if you'd finally checked in," says Seungmin, and Chan giggles.
Dinner is fine except new tensions are at the table due to Myung’s presence and also due to Felix, of all people, because he is being weirdly shy and awkward where he sits next to Chan. Something must have happened between them, Seungmin just can’t figure out what. Even as he watches, an uncharacteristically muted version of Felix mutters: “It wasn’t that funny,” in reference to something Seungmin missed from earlier in the conversation.
“No? I thought Chan-hyung liked it,” says Changbin, from Chan’s other side.
Chan looks down at his lap.
“I.” He swallows. “I didn’t mind. It was funny, Lixie.”
Felix gives him a tentative smile. “Really?”
Changbin’s expression becomes thoughtful. “Wasn’t one of your hookups from last year into that, Felix?”
His tone is slightly louder, enough that it carries to the rest of the group, and Seungmin can’t help noticing that Felix’s face suddenly becomes very red, and Chan’s becomes very white.
"Ooh, are we talking about 'call me daddy'?" Hyunjin pipes up, and ah. That makes sense, if they were talking about Felix joking around by calling Chan ‘daddy’ recently. "What happened to him? I thought the dick was good."
"Uh." Felix gulps. "It didn't work out."
"I'm not sure I'd want to call someone 'daddy' in bed," Changbin says, humming. "But maybe if my partner asked me to I would consider it."
"What about 'mommy'?" Jeongin asks. "A girl asked me to do that, once."
Seungmin stops breathing, which is hard to do when actively chewing a bite. He manages.
"Really?" says Hyunjin.
"Did you?" asks Changbin.
"Yeah." Jeongin shrugs. "She taught me how to shibari as a thank you, it was awesome."
Seungmin chokes on his food.
Hyunjin has to end up patting him on the back as he struggles not to cough up the beef tongue he’d been working on. He can’t hear what’s being said after, he can’t feel his fingertips—he doesn’t even like being tied up, it’s not the thought of Jeongin doing that to him that’s killing him, it’s… it’s…
“You okay?” Hyunjin asks him, quiet.
“Fine,” Seungmin wheezes. He grabs some more beef tongue, maybe that will cure him of the thought of Jeongin roping someone up because of what it takes, to do that. Jeongin telling them to be still, praising them when they do, punishing them when they don’t. A woman, a man, anyone, it doesn’t matter—Jeongin being in charge, their confident, grown-up maknae who has gotten so big, being in control—telling the person to shh be quiet if they moan when he tightens a knot—
He misses the rest of the conversation completely, stuck in a place where only white noise and distant ambulance sirens are audible as he chews on food he can’t taste anymore. At some point Chan leaves and pays for everything. Shortly after, Minho goes to the bathroom and is followed by Jisung, and the remaining others (Changbin, Hyunjin, Felix and Jeongin) have to entertain Minho’s boyfriend and pretend nothing’s wrong. Then Felix announces that he’s also leaving with a weird edge of urgency, and at that point they are all starting to disband and head home and Seungmin has enough energy left in him to make his own way to his apartment. It’s a ten-minute bus ride or a thirty minute walk, and he chooses to walk in hopes that it will clear his head.
The spring breeze is cool but not so cold anymore, and he breathes it in, grateful for the fresh air. He is also grateful to be alone.
His thoughts, naturally, are of Jeongin. If he has experimented with shibari he may have ventured into other realms that are a bit less conventional. Had Seungmin been wrong, to assume he’s never dominated someone before? How much does he know about domming? Seungmin is still convinced that he didn’t realize what they did at the mall, but after the convenience store Jeongin had almost asked him a question, right? Was it to ask about what they were doing? Was he confused? Seungmin certainly is.
He should probably have a conversation with Jeongin, of course. Realistically, that would be the healthiest thing to do; to admit to his sexual feelings, not even having to get into his romantic ones. To admit to what happened to him at Hyundai and at GS25, and ask for Jeongin’s help and understanding going forward, in order to prevent it from happening again.
He mulls it over; the mortifying admission, Jeongin’s possible responses. He might have to do it if this new avoidance plan fails him; it hasn’t yet, but it might.
In the end, Seungmin comes to the conclusion that he will talk to Jeongin if it happens again. He’s not going to risk losing his best friend, that can’t happen, so if he fucks things up one more time, then he will brave the humiliation of confessing to his desires in order to save their relationship. Pulling away even further would surely only damage it, and won’t fix things.
If he’s lucky, it simply won’t come up.
*
The dance showcase is the following day. In Seungmin’s limited understanding, the show goes well. The guys do a great job and Seungmin pays attention to at least forty percent of it even though Jeongin sitting next to him and leans into his side to whisper commentary throughout, the heat of his breath distracting enough to pull focus.
Jisung is on his other side, but he looks pale and kind of sick, and after the performance ends it takes him way longer than everyone else to get up from his seat.
“He looks like he’s gonna throw up,” Jeongin whispers in Seungmin’s ear.
Seungmin fights a shiver, aided by the fact that Jisung really does look like shit. “We should make sure he drinks some water.”
“Yeah.”
Together, they herd him out of the auditorium and stick to him on the way to Felix and Hyunjin’s apartment for the post-showcase party with the dancers. Once there, Seungmin gets Jisung food and water and wonders whether it was a bad idea to have his friend be in a tightly-packed crowd right now, but he did insist on coming so it’s not like they can kick him out.
“Should we take him outside, at least?” he asks Jeongin, eyeing Jisung cautiously. He’s so grey. “I know he said he wanted to come, but…”
“No you’re right, I think that he might need a moment.” Jeongin squares his broad shoulders decisively. “I’ve got it: Jisung-hyung, come.” And he grabs Jisung’s hand and pulls him in the vague direction of the bathroom, halting Seungmin in his tracks before he can follow them with a single dismissive hand gesture. Seungmin is left to watch as the two vanish into the crush of bodies, deflating internally. Disappointed, if he’s honest with himself.
He doesn’t love party environments, particularly when left to fend for himself, but a few minutes into the awkward standing around an older dance alum who is here for some reason strikes up a conversation with him. Seungmin allows it because the other guy asks all the questions, making it easy: how do you know the dance crew? What’s your degree? Do you have hobbies? Do you want another drink? Do you like sports? Oh, which baseball team?
And then they get to talking about baseball and Seungmin decides that actually this is a little bit fun. Tae-yang is ridiculously tall to the point where Seungmin is concerned he’ll get a crick in his neck from looking up, but he helps make the time pass. At some point Jeongin and Jisung return to the main common area but they stick close together and don’t seem to see him, and Seungmin holds off on interrupting Tae-yang to go reunite with them. More time passes and the next time he checks on the pair Seungmin notes that Jeongin is in the kitchen with Jisung, Minho and Myung, and he’s just pulled Jisung close to whisper something at him while Minho clings to the bottom of Jisung’s T-shirt like a lost kitten.
“…had to come support my baby sister, you know?”
“Oh.” Seungmin tears his eyes away from Jisung standing so close to Jeongin. “Are you guys a dancing family or something? Is it genetically transmitted?”
Tae-yang laughs like that was actually funny, and Seungmin thinks idly that he probably wants to sleep with him. They’ve been talking for about an hour at this point, and Tae-yang got pretty close to him—Seungmin’s neck aches.
“You’re funny.”
“If you say so.”
“And sassy. I like it.” Tae-yang steps towards him, a little too much into his personal space, but Seungmin can’t back away because he can feel people standing right behind him.
“Hey,” says a new voice, and then a hand lands harshly on his shoulder.
Oh. Jeongin must have crossed the room quick.
“Hey,” Tae-yang says, looking confused. “What’s your name?”
Jeongin’s jaw is set firmly and he looks from Tae-yang to Seungmin with apparent irritation. “Doesn’t matter, I have to talk to my hyung for a moment, sorry. Come, hyung.” And he moves his arm to circle Seungmin’s waist and pulls, bodily maneuvering him away from Tae-yang and towards… the bathroom?
“Are you hosting office hours in there or something? Isn’t that where you took Jisung to talk to him, too?” Seungmin quips, pulse racing at the manhandling. Jeongin isn’t as easy to rile up as Changbin is, it’s harder to get him to put rough hands on his body, but now—
“Shut up,” Jeongin snaps, no real bite to it but Seungmin, abruptly, does.
Fuck.
The bathroom door closes behind them and Jeongin lets out a sigh from his nose. “Did he tell you that he’s thirty years old?” he demands, crossing his arms over his chest.
It didn’t come up. “How do you know that?”
“He’s Nini’s older brother. She’s in my year, and also in the dance class.” Jeongin is glaring at him. It’s not unheard of, that he’ll get pissy and upset with one of his hyungs, but Seungmin is usually the exception—it’s usually them two versus the others. They are the order amongst the chaos, always on the same side versus the mess. They are allies. “He was hitting on you.”
“Yeah, probably.” Seungmin shrugs, which seems to rile up Jeongin even more.
“He’s thirty.”
“I’m gonna be twenty-four in a few months. It’s not a big d—”
“No way.” Jeongin’s eyes flash. “No. Don’t sleep with him.”
Seungmin blinks. The command doesn’t bring him under this time, actually—he’s too surprised for that. Jeongin has never inserted himself into his love life before, outside of his periodic skeptical inquiries about Seungmin not actually having one to speak of.
“I’m.” Before he can respond, Jeongin shakes his head and keeps speaking. “Sorry, I-I mean. I know I don’t get to… I meant, you shouldn’t sleep with him. He’s too old.”
Seungmin stares at him, weirdly confused about Jeongin being the flustered one here.
“Uh, I wasn’t saying I will.”
“Oh.” Jeongin is flushed. He’s so beautiful when he’s flushed, he’s so utterly gorgeous. His shirt is really tight—it’s an old graphic print one he’s had for ages, but as he’s filled out so too has he filled it out, to the point of straining the seams across the shoulders and pecs. “Oh, okay then.” He moves towards the bathroom door immediately, and Seungmin follows him, but before they step outside Jeongin turns around with concern in his eyes. “Are you going to go talk to him again?”
Seungmin shakes his head right away, ever the obedient mutt. “No.”
“Good.” And Jeongin turns back with a clenched jaw and a firm nod.
Seungmin’s stomach flips.
*
Felix and Chan disappear at some point during the party, and around midnight Hyunjin directs Changbin to turn off the music and send everyone home, leaving Hyunjin, Changbin, Jisung, Jeongin, Seungmin, and an uncharacteristically drunk Minho to clean up.
“And Chan-hyung and Felix are…?”
“In Felix’s room,” Changbin responds, handing Jeongin a broom. “Talking. Maybe.”
‘Talking’. Right.
Seungmin is happy for them, and maybe also a little jealous, but then he gets put to work. Jeongin hands him the garbage bag with unusual seriousness, no question this time, either, no “Can you hold this while I sweep?”. He just says: “Hold this,” and Seungmin does. Jeongin seems a touch curt, or Seungmin is being sensitive—but things feel slightly tense after their brief bathroom convo.
He feels it start to happen, this time. Maybe because it’s just the beginning.
Jeongin’s slight irritation makes him slightly anxious, which fuels an inner subservience and desire to please. All he has to do is follow him around with the open bag, holding it and obeying instruction. Jeongin half-turns to him when the scoop is full and he wordlessly waits for Seungmin to catch the trash in the bag and that’s it, there’s not that much more to it, but Seungmin does his best anyway, hoping for a kernel of approval, a small smile, a touch, a word—
He gets lucky, this time.
“Oh my God, guys!” Minho cries from where he’s lying on the floor, his head in Jisung’s lap.
It jolts Seungmin out of the state he was tipping into like a rubber band snapping; suddenly he’s back in the living room with most of his friends around, cleaning up. That’s it.
“Listen!”
Everyone freezes, Changbin and Hyunjin going silent where they are in the kitchen, Jeongin halting the motions of the broom, Seungmin turning to look at the pair on the floor.
In the silence and stillness, a distinct thumping becomes faintly audible.
It is… vigorous.
Jeongin gasps and cries out in shock, and the room explodes into laughter—Changbin and Hyunjin fully cheering like their team just hit a home run. “It’s official!” Hyunjin shouts.
“They’ll hear you!” Jisung hisses, panicked, and Seungmin is among the many who laugh even harder because Chan and Felix are clearly not in a position to hear anything right now.
He’s fully out of it, though—Seungmin made it out, and he’s back to feeling like his usual self. It didn’t even count, this time, because he barely skimmed the surface of it, and it lasted all of five minutes anyway. He’s fine. He’s totally fine. Things are still in his control.
*
He avoids Jeongin all week, which is hard because the gossip is teeming.
omg chanlix officially a thing
do you think chan was getting off on the daddy thing fr I think he was
as much as felix was anyway
wait hang on changbin says minho broke up with his boyfriend??
oh hyunjin says boyfriend broke up with minho, not the other way around
happened at the dance afterparty thing, damn
had to be because of minhos big fat love for jisung right?
do we think minho and jisung will make it till the end of the week before confessing
He texts him back sparingly, annoyed with himself for not being able to just get over the stupid subspace thing in order to get a proper venting session in with Jeongin because this kind of shit is what they thrive off of; discussing their friends’ entangled love lives and confiding what they know to each other, happily gossiping from the sidelines. Instead he’s stuck eating lunches alone and missing his best friend, trapped by his own stupid brain.
Changbin organizes another bar hang at the trashy campus dive they usually meet up at which both Felix and Chan agree to join, marking their first outing with the friend group as a couple exactly one week after the events at the afterparty. Seungmin agrees to go because everyone is going, and he thinks it will be nice, to see his friends happy and in love, but what actually happens is that Felix is an unhinged little shit and cannot keep his hands off his new boyfriend for longer than a minute.
“We used to have decorum,” Jeongin mutters, side-eyeing the pair as Felix whispers something in Chan’s ear that has Chan hunching over in his seat.
“It’s a lot,” Seungmin agrees.
“Is our pet hetero doing okay?” Hyunjin says to Jisung, mocking. “Do you need us to cover your delicate heterosexual eyes, Hannie?”
“I need my eyes covered,” Minho volunteers, smirking. “You offering, Hyunjin?”
“Didn’t peg you for the blindfold type,” Hyunjin shoots back, which makes Changbin go still and Jisung overreact, as usual.
“Jagiya, are you cheating on me?” Jisung cries, putting a hand on his heaving chest. “Are you losing interest? Do I need to spice it up in the bedroom?”
“Ugh—” Jeongin starts, but the two ‘soulmates’ keep amping up the teasing until Jisung says something that makes Seungmin’s jaw drop and Felix resurface from his boyfriend’s side.
“Did someone say ‘deep-throat’ just now?” Felix asks, confused, and everyone bursts out laughing.
It’s nice, to hang out just the eight of them again. Seungmin had nothing personal against Minho’s (very temporary) boyfriend, but he has to admit that the group is at its best when they stick to the core eight, no extraneous people, no unwanted others. He even lets himself exchange a conspiratorial glance with Jeongin when Chan and Felix eventually leave (the people all the way across the bar could probably tell why) and then again, a while later, when Minho declares that he's going to take Jisung home. Minho never takes his drunk and clingy bestie home; it’s usually Changbin, Seungmin or Hyunjin trying to spare Minho the pain of pushing his allegedly straight best friend away over and over.
“…You sure, hyung?” Changbin asks.
“Yeah. It’s only three blocks, we’ll be fine.” Jisung wraps his arms around Minho’s neck, and Minho’s eyes are so soft that Seungmin has to look away. “I’m gonna come back once he’s asleep.”
“I bet you one trillion won he is not coming back,” Jeongin hisses the second they are out of earshot.
Seungmin, who was about to say the exact same thing to him, snorts.
And then there were four, because in a shocking turn of events Minho does not come back.
“So. Jeongin-ah, catch us up on your love life,” Changbin says after a while. “Any girls? Boys? Hot people in your vicinity?”
“Why don’t you ever bother Seungmin about this stuff?” Jeongin asks, sipping his beer.
“Because Seungmin is boring,” Hyunjin answers, in a rare moment of sticking up for his hyung.
Seungmin just nods along, happy to let them think that.
“The quiet ones are never boring,” Changbin responds, turning thoughtful eyes on Seungmin. “Why don’t we bother Seungmin about this stuff? Seungmin, what’s going on with you?”
“Nothing,” Seungmin lies, shrugging. “I’m as vanilla as they come.”
But even Hyunjin has narrowed his eyes by then.
“I think you’re lying, actually.”
“You’re not vanilla,” Jeongin says flatly.
“How would you know?” Seungmin asks, defensive before he can think about it. Idiot. Stupid question that’s all bark and no bite.
“Vibes,” Changbin says when Jeongin doesn’t answer right away, and Seungmin gets caught up looking at Jeongin’s gorgeous, sharp features for a moment. Jeongin’s eyes flickered with uncertainty, scanning his face like he has a question of his own. “You give me freak vibes, and I say that as a compliment.”
Of course Changbin would know that. Seungmin curses his past self for not being able to resist goading Changbin into scruffing him, grabbing him, pushing him around. He can be so dumb, sometimes, honestly… a mindless, helpless little—
“What vibes do I give you, hyung?” Hyunjin asks, feigned disinterest in his voice. Thank God for Hyunjin’s inability to not be the center of Changbin’s attention for longer than thirty seconds; Seungmin takes a breath, then he takes a sip of beer, and then he takes another look at Jeongin.
Jeongin was looking back at him, but he looks away as soon as their eyes meet again.
*
When Jeongin gets a bit tipsy it shows in his ears, cheeks and nose the most. He flushes, glows prettily and cutely, is a bit clumsier than usual, and is also harder to shake. Not quite clingy, Jeongin could never be accused of that, but… there. He lingers.
“Aren’t you going home?” Seungmin asks him, once they have stumbled out of the bar and said good night to Hyunjin and Changbin. His studio is closer to the bar than the dorms, but it’s in the opposite direction.
“Aren’t you going home?” Jeongin counters.
Seungmin snorts, fondness making him dig his canine into his own bottom lip to fight a big, stupid smile. “Yeah. But my home is this way and your home is that way.” He points behind Jeongin down the street.
Jeongin doesn’t turn to look. “It’s late,” he says. “And dark.”
Seungmin shrugs. “So?”
“So you’re… dainty and, and skinny and little. The breeze could knock you over.”
“There is no breeze right now.”
“You know what I mean!”
“I really don’t right now, Ayen.”
“I’m gonna walk you home to make sure you get there safe.”
Oh. He snorts. “It’s four blocks, and I’m not drunk. I don’t need an escort—we can see the building from here, look.”
“I’m walking you,” Jeongin says firmly. “You’re tiny and frail and someone might wanna keep you.”
Seungmin laughs. “I’m literally taller than y-ah!" Jeongin suddenly grabs his shirt by the collar and starts to march him forward, Seungmin startling and stumbling after him. “Ayen!”
“Hush.”
“W-what’s gotten—”
“I’m walking you,” Jeongin says again, an explanation, but also not. Also… something else. “Let me walk you.”
Seungmin gulps, something hot shooting down his spine, and he stumbles harder, almost actually falling if not for the strong grip Jeongin has on his clothes. Like this, half-doubled over in his clumsiness, he’s… not quite on all fours, but not… The thought of Jeongin’s words not meaning ‘I’m walking with you’ but the more literal… the more devastating…
“J-Jeongin-ah,” he rasps, ears ringing as he stares at the ground. Jeongin slows his pace, allowing Seungmin to right himself, and Seungmin finds himself panting from the handful of steps they just took, and whatever else is surging through him right now.
“We’ll be there soon,” Jeongin says, his side profile glowing crimson in the streetlight. “Be good.”
Seungmin swallows a whimper, compelled to improve his posture and keep step with Jeongin so he doesn’t have to pull so hard. The ringing in his ears turns deafening, but he can still hear Jeongin crystal clear. Jeongin is the only thing he can hear, all of a sudden.
“Good. We’re almost there.”
His face burns, his neck aches from the tug of fabric around it, pressing into his nape and the right side of it where Jeongin still holds the fabric taut. He’s putting one foot after the other out of sheer momentum, nothing more. He wishes Jeongin would say heel, because that’s what he’s doing. He wishes Jeongin would say a lot of things.
“Give me your key,” Jeongin commands when they get to the door. Seungmin scrambles to fish it out of his pants pocket, not thinking about anything else to do with the front of his pants, and presents it to him. “You didn’t change your door code, right?”
Seungmin shakes his head.
“Good.”
The warmth slides down his scalp all the way around his throat and into his chest, gut, pelvis, legs. Good. Jeongin said good.
They walk inside, Jeongin letting go of Seungmin’s shirt to open doors and go up the stairs, and Seungmin fights a whimper. He was good, doesn’t that deserve a reward? Doesn’t he get a treat, instead of getting punished? Not having Jeongin’s hand on him feels like the worst form of punishment imaginable.
“Seung-ah.”
They are in his apartment. Jeongin doesn’t leave right away, at least; he turns to look at Seungmin in the dark and his breathing is shallow, like he got really winded walking up one set of steps.
“Why aren’t you saying anything?” Jeongin asks.
Puppies don’t talk, Seungmin thinks, and ironically that’s what snaps him out of it.
What the fuck is he doing?
Seungmin blinks, shaking his head once on instinct, missing the way his longer fringe used to swish against his forehead when he did it before. He forces himself to wake up faster, this time, because Jeongin asked him a question and he’s still waiting for an answer. It’s not pleasant, but he pushes past the fog, breathes through the haziness until he feels a bit more present.
“Are you okay?” Jeongin says, voice soft. “You’re being weird.”
“Sorry.” Seungmin swallows. “S-sorry, I’m.”
Is this it? Time for the truth?
He’d promised himself he’d do it. He made a deal.
Jeongin steps towards him, eyes glassy and shining in the moonlight. “Did I… do something wrong?” he sounds so uncertain, not at all as he had just minutes before. He looks lost, and still really breathless, still really flushed.
“I.”
“Tell me what’s going on, hyung-ah.” It’s a plea, not an order. “Please… tell me the truth.”