Chapter Text
Finding it hard to breathe was normal. At least, for Akutagawa, it was. Between the spurts of coughing and the amount of jobs that were slided onto him, it had just became the new normal for him. Physically, and mentally.
But, wasn't this a bit much?
He just got off of a job, which was tracking down an ability user with the Armed Detective Agency. It wasn't even that complicated of a mission. Hell, there wasn't even confrontation! He and the weretiger were simply sent to try and tail the individual for as long as possible and see what they could gather. So.. that left a question. As Akutagawa stumbled into the front door of his home, clicked the lock shut behind him and kicked off his shoes, and collapsed idly onto the couch, he couldn't help but wonder.
Why do I feel so lightheaded? More than usual, at least.
And speak of the devil, he started coughing, and he had to sit up and get hunched over on his couch.
Akutagawa hated feeling weak. And irony must've had it in for him, since it felt like he felt it the most sometimes. He was weak in terms of health, weak compared to Atsushi, had weak ties with Dazai, his very own mentor. He was even weak in terms of being in touch with his emotions. Sometimes, it felt like he had woken up and then all of a sudden he doesn't remember anything and he'd just come out of a job, having killed so many people in some random old building.
His throat burned, and he went to go fetch a glass of water. As the tapwater dripped into the cup, he couldn't help but idly trace the slim scar on his neck. Had it already been a few days since they solved that entire ordeal.? Akutagawa honestly could barely remember. Or care less, for that fact. Everything was fine now, right?
But not everything. Something was wrong. Akutagawa wasn't able to pinpoint what, but he could just feel it, after the whole Fyodor fiasco. The way he'd find his stoic facade slipping from time to time, laughing at Chuuya's jokes. Or the way Rashomon would flinch when having to hurt the weretiger. Or the way he'd just find his head reeling in the mornings, after relentless nightmares of Dazai and rabid dogs, tearing him apart inside and out.
Suddenly, he felt as if he'd come back to reality. Having snapped out of his thoughts, He realized the water was overflowing, spilling out of the cup and onto his hands. When did that happen? God, I really need to get myself in check. Turning off the tap, he brought his lips to the cup. Taking a sip, he winced. Somehow, that hurt his throat even more. Had he injured it from coughing? Akutagawa wasn't able to tell.
Sighing, he made his way back to the couch. He couldn't find himself sure of what it exactly was, almost like he couldn't put his finger on it, but something made him feel like just sitting somewhere and rotting. But, the thing is, he can't. For Gin and for the job. He found himself relaxing, and he couldn't help the fact that he was drifting into a calm, dreamless sleep. After a long time, really.
Even the simple mission has managed to knock the wind out of Akutagawa, and it made sense with his weak lungs and all. Stupidly weak. Oh, if only he knew how much worse they were entailed to get.. of course, he'd hid his troubles. His weakness. His broken moments, he'd spent coughing in that empty alleyway after parting with the weretiger. It was all kept a secret, for his dignity and the Port Mafia's sake, like everything else.
And so he slept.
Well, he tried to, at least. Sadly, the peace that came with unconsciousness didn't last.
Akutagawa awoke only hours later to a coughing fit. His mood immediately soured. Oh, come on...
"Did I wake you?"
Akutagawa's head shot up at the sound of his sister's voice. Glancing around the room, he noticed how she looked tired, more so than she used to. There were dark circles under her eyes, a slight detail which he noticed upon second glance. Akutagawa knew she worried about him, and after the entire deal with Fyodor, her worry had only gotten worse. Akutagawa hated it. He didn't want to be babied. Treated like an incompetent child. He was supposed to be taking care of her. Not the other way around.
Yet, Akutagawa couldn't blame Gin. He had seen himself in the mirror. He knew how bad he looked. He saw the scars on his body. The bags under his eyes, the vacant expression that never seemed to go away, no matter how hard Akutagawa tried.
"No, it wasn't you."
Akutagawa sat up, groaning as his stiff joints cracked. Falling asleep on the couch probably hadn't been his brightest idea, especially when he was already hurt. Well, more so than usual, at least. The tingling in his lungs from before hadn't gone away- if anything, it had gotten worse. Tighter. Running a hand through his hair, he yawned, feeling it was greasy. When was the last time he was able to take a bath?
Gin's eyes narrowed in concern just taking in his appearance, but Akutagawa waved her off. "Do not look at me like that. I am perfectly fine." He reassured, fists clenching ever-so-subtly.
"Your cough sounds worse. Your voice too, for that matter," she retorted. Gin stalked into the room, putting a hand to his head. "Are you getting sick? You fell asleep so early.." Her brows furrow, as if trying to pinpoint what was wrong with her brother. It irks him. Tension is heavy in the room, almost like a staring contest is happening between the two with their eye contact.
"I'm fine, Gin. Why aren't you listening?" He swatted her hand away, earning himself a scowl.
Gin shook her head, not at all impressed with him. "You need to take it easy. I'm serious."
"I am taking it easy."
"Are you? You've barely recovered from the- well, basically war we just went through. And yet you're still going on missions."
"Easy missions," Akutagawa pointed out. Really, he could be doing more, if not for his pathetic lungs. Even Mori had seemed concerned for him, and that just creeped Akutagawa out. He really was used to being seen as some sort of pawn, but for this kind of treatment all of a sudden- to him, it was not only unecessary, but also stupid.
"They're only easy because Chuuya won't let you do anything harder. We both know you would push yourself to the brink again and again, brother. We're just looking out for you." Gin's expression continues to shift into that goddamn worry, and that look she's giving him just makes him feel even more fragile. Which he wasn't. Akutagawa tried his best not to glare. She's just.. looking out for me, after all. Even though i told her not to.
Akutagawa hated it. The way Gin's eyes softened in concern, the way she babied him. The way Chuuya, his mentor, babied him. Akutagawa wanted to be strong, to prove that he was strong. How could he do that if he wasn't even allowed to work to his full potential? He felt himself tense for a moment.
Nobody understood how much it irked him. To be told to be on standby, when the one person he's been reaching out to for years still failed to acknowledge him. Sometimes, he wished he could stab some sense into those people. Those who can't comprehend common sense, of course. Not Dazai. Never Dazai.
Akutagawa took a breath, sighing deeply. He just..needed to calm down. Maybe the reason he couldn't breathe was due to being inside since his mission. The apartment Akutagawa shared with his sister was clean, but no one had dusted in a while. Maybe a nice walk was all he needed, in order to clear his mind.
Sighing, he stood from the couch. His legs were a little wobbly, and for a moment, he wondered- Am I actually trembling..? Gin, upon noticing his shakiness, immediately rushed over and lent a hand. "Okay, what the hell? Are you alright?" She berated him, as corcern was practically etched into her expression. Like he was some sick child that urgently needs care. It made Akutagawa feel sick.
He frowned. "Yeah, I am. I've simply been sitting for too long, that's all." He murmured, shoving her away. Gin eyed him wearily, but she didn't argue. At least, until he grabbed his coat. As Akutagawa slipped on his shoes, Gin raised an eyebrow.
"Where do you think you're going in that condition?" she scolded, walking over. The look in her eyes clearly screamed, if you're trying to work, I will tie you down and make you rest myself. Akutagawa could already picture the lecture he was about to receive. He couldn't help his brows from furrowing in irritation. Can I not go on a simple walk without being told off? I am not that weak. The entire situation was just ridiculous on a whole other level.
"I'm going out for some fresh air. Now, if you'll excuse me, I think I'm stable enough to grab some tea. I'll see you later, Gin." Akutagawa retorted, storming to the door. He shut it behind him, shoulders sagging slightly as he heard it click.
He stumbled into the elevator, and pressed the button for the ground floor. With a simple breath of air, it didn't take take long for Akutagawa to find himself enjoying the night breeze. It frustrated him, all the way down to his core, when he thought about how difficult it was for him to take in that one simple breath. As he strolled out of the block, he vaguely admired the lights. He didn't have anywhere specifically in mind to go. It was too late for tea, as he had told Gin he was going to get. I'll come up with some excuse, later...
It was a cloudy night, and a cloudy winter night at that. The air was filled with a freezing chill, and as a cold wind arrived, he couldn't help but feel his throat close up. He coughed, gasping desperately for air, onlookers staring as they passed by him.
Dammit, why here out of all places? And when I'm just starting to take a moment to myself for once? He thought, grudgingly making his way down the congested streets, watching as the people slowly disappear into the night as he struggled. Families, heading home after a night out. Friends, messing around as they see each other off. Lovers, laughing together over mutual happiness. Sometimes, Akutagawa wished he could feel something akin to that. Or emotions, at least. He was known as this cold, heartless killer and had nothing else to his name.
Sure, he felt things. He cared deeply for his sister, and would murder anyone who dared lay a hand on her. Especially that fool, Tachihara, who he had noticed looking at her more often. Just another box on my never ending list of problems...
What he really wished for happiness, even though he knew that any he had would be stripped by the mafia too soon. All of his friends were gone. All he had was his little sister, his precious little sister which they had the mercy to save.
No matter how much Akutagawa cared for her, he couldn't deny the fact that he hurt her. He snapped at her before he got here. He was the reason for her pain. Was this.. what guilt felt like? Whatever it was, Akutagawa didn't like it.
As Akutagawa walked, depressively thinking through his entire shitty life, it began to pour. Raindrops fell one by one, hitting the ground and creating a melody that should pleasing to the ears. It probably was, to anyone but Akutagawa, who was already dreading the rest of the night. The lone mafioso began to cough, and it quickly turned into choking for a breath of air. Fuck, not this again.
Akutagawa ducked into a small alleyway, refuge from the rain. Well, it was more of a refuge from the people. There wasn't exactly a roof over his head. Hidden from prying eyes, he allowed himself to collapse for a moment, knees hitting the wet ground as he attempted to recuperate. He was fine. He was fine.
After one particularly harsh cough, he looked into the palm of his hand. He felt mostly indifferent at the sight of coppery blood looking back up at him. He only had two real thoughts, one being, Thats new. Gin will never let me leave the apartment again.. and the other being, I..feel dizzy. Crap, I might black out at this rate...
Yet all of his thoughts vanished suddenly when he realized he could no longer feel the rain hitting his back.
"Are you alright, Akutagawa?"
He recognized the voice immediately. He wiped the blood on his coat so that it wasn't seen, before looking up, his dark eyes meeting the weretiger's. Even he had the audacity to pity him, a look of worry in his eyes. Infuriating, Akutagawa thought.
Akutagawa saw the weretiger's extended hand- the other fixed tightly onto the black handle of a clear umbrella-, but he didn't take it, instead scrambling up onto his feet on his own.
"I'm alright," he snapped. Akutagawa was mortified to find there was no real bite in his words. Since when had he gotten so soft? The atmosphere felt heavy, and awkward at that. The last time they were on a mission, they had something to busy themselves with. This, however, was different. Atsushi was just..staring at him, concern in his eyes. Pathetic. It made Akutagawa feel pathetic. Small. He hated it.
Atsushi was clearly trying to contemplate saying something, yet he decided not to. Akutagawa probably wouldn't listen to anything the weretiger said, either way. He was somewhat glad that Atsushi said nothing. It was easier to avoid the current situation that way, anyway.
Standing there, in the dark back alley, weretiger holding an umbrella over both of them, Akutagawa felt like the silence spoke louder than words ever could.
With a long sigh, he Akutagawa turned to leave.
"Have a good night."
"Y- Yeah.. you too." Atsushi murmured, shoulders slumping slightly, as if disappointed they hadn't talked. How foolish. Nothing will change, we simply did what we had to do in the line of battle. Akutagawa let the throughs stew in his mind, believing them entirely.
Yet he couldn't help but choke on a cough. One cough, that turned into many.
The weretiger rushed over, umbrella abandoned on the floor behind him, and yet again Akutagawa felt like a child. He shouldn't be treated like this! He hated it with all his guts.
"I'm fine," Akutagawa growled, walking away before Atsushi got any chance to say anything else.
Akutagawa couldn't tell what he hated more: Atsushi pitying himself, or Atsushi pitying him.
The rain got worse as Akutagawa moved through the streets. Few other people were out, all having seen the bad weather and returned home. Akutagawa was trying to the same, but he could hear the weretiger trekking along behind him.
Why won't he leave me alone?
Akutagawa was buzzing with anger, and another feeling he did not want to name. He wasn't even sure he knew the name.
"Weretiger, I told you I was fine. There is no need for..this."
Atsushi gave no answer. Akutagawa sighed. He wasn't going to give the foolish weretiger the pleasure of him turning back to look. It all made him feel sick.
Knowing that Atsushi pitied him so, so much. Seeing that the weretiger thought him incapable, that he felt the need to follow Akutagawa home to make sure nothing bad happened. It made Akutagawa want to scream. The way that so many people now looked down on him, after the Fyodor incident. The fact that people thought they were better. Thought that Akutagawa was lesser. Not strong enough.
The weretiger was the worst offender. After working together for a short time, the foolish cat acted so superior. He acted as though he knew everything about Akutagawa, acted like he was so in the right to keep meddling with Akutagawa's life.
Hearing Atsushi's quiet steps behind him was all the proof he needed. It was also the final thing that pushed Akutagawa off the edge.
He spun around, anger and exhaustion mixed in his eyes. Atsushi startled, taking a step back.
"I told you to leave me alo-"
Akutagawa's words were broken off by coughing. Akutagawa doubled over, burying his face in the crook of his elbow. The weretiger gasped, and Akutagawa heard him running over. Akutagawa stumbled back, trying to get away from him. He didn't want anyone to see him like this. He didn't want Atsushi to see him like this. It would only make the weretiger's stupid pity greater. Akutagawa hated it. He wasn't weak. He wasn't!
The coughing fit worsened. Akutagawa felt nauseous.
"Akutagawa-"
"Leave!"
Akutagawa slowly pulled his arm away, leaving blood and...what..?
He didn't have time to process the thing he saw, before Atsushi was trying to get close again. Akutagawa didn't want him to get close. He couldn't handle it. So he did the only thing he could.
Akutagawa ran home, feeling worse than ever. He ran, like a pathetic little child. He heard Atsushi calling after him, but it didn't matter. He didn't stop.
The mafioso wasn't sure what he was running from. Atsushi? The rain?
...the petal that had just come up from his lungs?