Getting It Wrong

by Senela

Summary:

Draco Malfoy does everything right. Too right. After passing out in school he is sent to Hogwarts, an institution that offers around the clock mental health services while still functioning as a school for the patients. Draco struggles to settle into this new place, but some of his new peers might help him to open up...
An alternate universe with no magic but a lot of mental illness.

Notes:

Hi!
This is a bit of an outlet for myself, so please be advised that this will talk about topics such as body image issues, eating disorders, self harm, addiction, etc.
If you are in a bad place or struggling with any of those topics please evaluate whether this is safe content for you at this time.
Also note that I am aware that in patient programs don't really function the way that I am describing it here so please don't comment anything about how unrealistic it is.
English isn't my first language so please excuse any minor grammar mistakes.
Other than that please enjoy!

Chapter 1: From The Rain

The cold stone walls rose against the stormy evening sky. The first raindrops fell full and heavy on the cobblestone path that led through the gate, over the bridge and onto the stone steps.

Draco stood shivering, staring up at the tall towers of Hogwarts Castle. His father was wearing a long black coat, taking long steps next to him. He kept his head lowered as if trying to disappear in the coat. Draco's father did not want to be associated with this place. And as far as he could tell his father, at this moment, did not want to be reminded of his association to Draco either.

His mother on the other hand held her head up high, stern face urging them along up the path. She was carrying a small black suitcase. Draco had no idea how this tiny suitcase was enough to fit his belongings. Surely, this wasn't everything they allowed him to take in with him. A gust of wind carried the thought away as it combed through his hair.

Without realizing how he had ended up there, Draco's perfectly shined shoes hid the first stone step leading up to the massive wooden doors. His father was already ahead of him. The sound of metal hitting wood ripped through Draco's brain and brought back the headache that he had just managed to push away. His father let go off the old-timey door knocker. It was shaped in a peculiar way - a monster clinging to a metal ring. Draco wondered why they didn't just install a regular doorbell.

After a short moment the door was opened. Before them stood a tall, older woman with spectacles. She eyed the Malfoy's for a long moment, her eyes lingering on Draco. He wanted to disappear.

Finally, she stepped aside and allowed them entrance. 

Lucius Malfoy was clearly displeased. His long blonde hair, clung to his face, wet from the rain. Narcissa, however, continued to hide whatever her true feelings were behind a well-practiced and  long-perfected stern facade.

The woman who had let them in turned to Draco's father.

"Mr. Malfoy. It is a pleasure to meet you.", she said, holding out her hand. "I am Professor McGonagall. One of the full-time faculty at this fine institution."

Draco's father nodded, ignoring the hand.

"As I am sure you are aware, Mrs. McGonagall, my wife and I are not entirely convinced of the necessity of this whole ordeal. Our son will only stay as long as it takes for us to clear these things up with his physicians.", Lucius said coldly.

McGonagall dropped her hand. 

"I assure you we will take the best care of him until then.", McGonagall replied with a small smile that didn't quite reach her eyes. "Now, if you don't mind, I would like to have Draco meet his roommate and settle in."

"You mean this is it? We are to leave him here, just like that?", Narcissa chimed in.

"We find that a quick departure of parents and caretakers typically leads to an easier transition for new students and patients."

Narcissa looked as if she was about to argue, but then thought better of it and turned to Draco instead. She handed him the suitcase.

"Draco, dear, you know this is just a temporary situation. Your father and I will work this out and you should be home in no time."

Draco nodded, disinterested. Here or home, it was quite irrelevant to him. 

His mother pulled him into a short formal hug, while his father simply gave him a stern look. 

The next moment, they were gone, back out into the now howling storm, that seemed to mirror Draco's headache.

McGonagall looked at Draco with an unreadable expression on her face. 

"Well then, Mr. Malfoy", she said, "Follow me!"

---

She led Draco down a corridor to their left. Draco was struggling with the suitcase, it had seemed far too small just moments ago but now in his boney fingers it appeared to weigh tons. 

As they walked McGonagall spoke, but Draco was struggling to understand her through the pain behind his forehead. Still he kept his face neutral, no need to concern this old woman with his pain. He grabbed the suitcase harder and tried not to fall too far behind. 

Finally, McGonagall stopped. She led them into what Draco guessed was some sort of activity or community area - there were couches with green cushions, a few blankets, pillows and tables. Draco noted that there were only three other people in the room as they entered. A young man sat at the far wall with a book. And two girls were to their right in a couple of armchairs having a quiet conversation. 

McGonagall turned to Draco.

"This is the common room for your station. Down that hallway are the boy's bedrooms. And this young man over there is your new roommate. Mr. Zabini!" 

The boy looked up from the book and stared at Draco before a genuine smile crept onto his face. He got up and walked across the room towards them. Draco took him in, his face was quite angular, his eyes slightly glassy, Draco knew those eyes. His eyes often looked like that these days, along with dark shadows underneath. He was wearing a large sweatshirt, and pants that hung loosely from his hips. Draco realized he was staring when the boy stood in front of him.

"I am Blaise Zabini", Blaise said.

"Malfoy. Draco Malfoy.", Draco replied.

Blaise nodded. "I've heard of your family... big name, huh?"

Draco shrugged.

McGonagall interrupted: "Well. I will leave you for the evening, Mr. Malfoy. Tomorrow morning we are expecting you at breakfast, Quiet Hours start at 10.30pm. It is currently 9.00pm. Mr. Zabini has offered to show you around, so I will leave you in his hands for now."

With that McGonagall left. 

As soon as she had left Draco dropped his suitcase. 

"Long day?", Blaise asked in a chipper tone. He picked up the suitcase. "Come on. I will show you our room."

---

A few moments later Draco found himself in a small room with two beds and two desks. One side of the room was barren, while the other had posters and pictures on the walls, a couple of lights hung up above the bed, which tinted the room in a warm glow. Blaise plopped himself down on that side.

Draco steered towards the other bed. He sat down and eyed the decorations that Blaise had put up.

"You like it? Soccer fan?", he asked.

Draco shrugged.

"Wow. You're a real talker, huh?"

Draco shot him a cold look.

"Alright... Well, you'll warm up sooner or later. Most kids are like that when they first show up. In the meantime - you wanna see the rest of this place?"

"I suppose", Draco finally said.

They returned to the common room.

"As you can probably guess this is where they put all the kids that have trouble with food. Overeating, Undereating, Eating and Throwing Up, etc. etc. So, for example, that's me and Pansy over there", Blaise pointed at one of the girls who were still in the room. She promptly flipped him off. "aaand evidently yourself as well! Congratulations.", Blaise explained, keeping his cheery expression.

"Great," Draco grumbled. 

"They are very strict about meal times, obviously. So Breakfast is at 7.30 on the dot. Lunch is at 1 and Dinner is at 6.30. If you're late, you get in trouble. They might take away privileges if they feel like it, so at least show up." Draco tuned him out. He didn't like thinking about this too hard, plus his headache was still persistently pushing up against his skull.

"If you follow me this way..." Blaise led him out of the common room back into the entrance hall. "These mighty doors...", he pointed at the large double doors ahead of them. "... take you straight into the pits of hell, or as everyone else calls it the Dining Hall. I can't show you right now, cause they don't let us go in there outside of meal times but we get our very own special section separate from other kids from different stations, so that they can keep a close eye on us. Makes sense, yeh?"

Draco nodded.

Next, Blaise showed him a classroom and therapy room ("Believe it or not we have a lot of these around here"), the hospital wing ("Try not to come here to often or they might put a tube up your nose") and the courtyard ("During your first few weeks they won't let you go out onto the grounds, so stone benches must be enough for now"). 

"The faculty and caretaker offices are close to the different common rooms, they gotta make sure that someone's always keeping an eye on us. As for the other stations... It's getting kind of late so I won't take you there but we are also technically not supposed to visit each other's common rooms. Kinda stay in your lane thing to ensure privacy or something like that. Don't worry though, you won't be just stuck with me. Classes and group therapies are typically mixed between stations, as well as free time, you get to hang out anywhere in the public areas with whomever."

Draco yawned. Blaise took the hint and they returned to their room. 

Draco was tired, exhausted. As soon as he laid down on the unfamiliar bed he closed his eyes but to his misfortune sleep wouldn't come. He tossed and turned nearly all night. He couldn't believe he had gotten himself into this situation. He couldn't believe he had caused this much trouble for his parents.

He knew his father would probably try to sue the doctor who ordered him to be sent here. He worried about what his private school classmates would say... Draco Malfoy had to go to the loony bin? Serves him right. 

But then again, why was he here? He had only followed directions, no? He had adhered to the expectation that was placed upon him. His mother had taught him from a young age that control over one's own body was praiseworthy. His father drilled into him that gluttony did not look good on a Malfoy. And yet, the disapproval in his fathers eyes when he left him here cut into him. He had followed what was asked of him true, but he had made too much of a ruckus about it. Everything a Malfoy did was supposed to seem flawless, effortless. 

Passing out at school was neither of those things. Being put in an ambulance and rushed to the ER wasn't either. And being examined and sent to the loony bin most definitely wasn't.

Draco came to the conclusion that his only mistake had been that he had made people aware of himself, aware of the things he did to adhere to his parents strict rules and expectations. People aren't supposed to see how you do it, they should just be aware of the fact that you succeed in the end. Success over everything else. 

Finally, Draco drifted off to sleep.

Chapter 2: Closing In

Summary:

“So what?”, he simply replied. “You think we are the same just cause you’re in the bloody loony bin too?”

Notes:

Thanks for reading the first chapter! Here is the second one -

Please be advised this chapter heavily revolves around disordered eating, unhealthy relationship to food and body image issues.

Blaise Zabini’s face was the first thing Draco saw that morning. Blaise was uncomfortably close leaning over Draco. 

Immediately Draco sat up. 

“Woah, woah! No need to freak! Just wanted to make sure you don't miss breakfast!”, Blaise said and backed up hurriedly. 

Draco grunted. “I could do without it.”

Blaise sighed in a theatrical way. “Couldn't we all?”

 

Draco couldn’t help himself and smiled a little. Despite the rough night he wasn’t quite as tired as he thought he would be and while he wouldn’t admit it, the bed had been quite comfortable. While Draco worked on becoming fully conscious his roommate gave him some space getting dressed on the other side of the room.

Draco tried not to look at him too closely but he did notice that Blaise was skinny. No surprise there.  Draco could see his ribs move under his skin as he pulled on a sweater, his fingers seemed elongated but not quite as bony as Draco’s. A small sensation of pride warmed Draco’s chest. I am doing it better.

 

Eventually both the boys made their way down the hallway to the Dining Hall. Draco wasn’t sure what to expect, after all he had only seen the massive double doors so far. When they arrived a steady stream of students was filing into the Hall, from different directions in the castle. The sight was almost a shock to Draco, the chattering and laughter that was emerging from the crowd seemed almost too normal. He had thought people here must be miserable lowlifes who couldn't get their lives together. But from this perspective they just seemed like regular kids. For a moment panic flared up in his chest at the prospect of going into the Hall. He stopped in his tracks. 

 

“Hey, I get it… first day is kinda scary, yeh?” He heard Blaise’s voice in his ear. Draco shook his head, that wasn’t it, he thought. He just didn’t belong here. All of these kids were just putting up a facade. His father had told him this is where they send difficult kids, problem children, kids who didn’t function right. Bottom of the barrel. Draco wasn’t like that. Draco got things right, he was really good at doing the things that were expected of him and doing them well. He didn’t belong here. 

 

He felt a hand on his back. “Come on.”, Blaise said with a confident smile. 

They entered the Great Hall.

Blaise led Draco to the far side of the Hall where a smaller table was set away from the long tables and benches that dominated the rest of the hall. As they were walking Draco’s eyes landed on a group of five kids who had just settled at one of the bigger tables. They were laughing loudly. There were two redheads, they looked related, a girl with curly dark hair, who had her nose buried in a book, another girl with long blonde hair and a dreamy look in her eyes and finally a boy with brown curls and glasses. He stared at them. They were impossibly loud and obnoxious. 

Blaise sat across from Draco. The other boy had become quieter and his smile had faltered a bit since they had walked in. Draco observed him coolly. This was a side he hadn’t seen yet of Blaise. It gave him a bit of reassurance to see Blaise’s happy demeanor diminish slightly. 

 

They weren’t the first to arrive. A couple other kids had already taken their seats. The mood in this corner of the Hall was in stark contrast to that of the rest. Draco recognized the two girls from the previous evening a few seats down. They were far less talkative than last night. 

 

Blaise leaned across the table and said in a low tone: “That’s Pansy and Astoria! Remember you met them last night?”

Draco nodded. 

“Anyway, they are about to bring out the breakfast! I hope it's something good for your first day!”

Draco glared at him, Blaise giggled. 

Draco couldn’t believe how rude Blaise was being. Maybe he shouldn't bother with this new roommate of his…

 

The thought was abandoned when the food was brought out. Draco didn't particularly mind. He learned how to handle himself. He knew what to do. 

 

Each of them had a plate set in front of them. Draco carefully examined the temptations. A roll of bread, a small chunk of butter, two slices of ham and a handful of grapes. Numbers rushed into his mind - a decent estimate. He was good at this. Math had always been a strong suit of his and particularly when it came to this subject. In his calculations he always opted to round up, he wouldn't take any risks. So, naturally, he pushed the plate away from him and leaned back in his seat. 

 

He found that it was much easier to ignore the gaping emptiness in his stomach when he had something to look at. Besides the food on his plate. And look he did, his eyes wandered around the table - one of the girls, Pansy, as he recalled, had carefully picked up a grape and plopped it in her mouth. Her hesitation was almost undetectable. Draco wondered how long she had been here. He glanced at Blaise, who had begun to meticulously spread butter on his bread. Draco was drawn in, fascinated by the particularity in the boy's movements. As he watched, scrape by scrape, a certain determination came over him - he wondered how long he could go without doing that.  

 

Draco squared his shoulders, he became certain. Clearly, someone thought he had something in common with these kids. He decided that he was going to prove them all wrong. He had gone days without food, that was nothing new to him, but he was going to push himself. He was going to show a restraint that was unmatched. Not a single bite would-

 

His mental manifesto was rudely interrupted by a snarling voice: “Mr. Malfoy. Care to join us for breakfast?” Draco's head whipped around. A man with dark, stringy hair was seated at the far end of the table. Two black eyes were staring deep into his eyes. Draco's brows furrowed. “I am Professor Snape.”, Snape said. “And I am tasked with overseeing your meal time. So, if you could be bothered to partake in said meal time - now is your chance.” 

 

“I am feeling rather nauseous, Professor. I am sure you understand.”, Draco said with indignation. 

Snape narrowed his eyes.

Draco stared back at him. He wasn't sure why but he did not want to be the first to look away.

Finally, after a long moment, Snape scoffed. 

“As you please”, the man said and pulled out a clipboard. He noted something down, before turning his focus away from Draco and pretending as though he didn't exist. 

Draco softened a bit, relieved. Fine , he thought, this won't be too difficult to pull off.

When he looked back across the table he met Blaise’ eyes, who gave him an incredulous look. Draco willed him to say something but instead Blaise lowered his gaze and took a bite of his bread.

Fine. Draco thought again.

 

—

 

Time was crawling along but eventually the Hall started to clear out. The noise from other students that had been present throughout the entire meal began to dim and an odd sort of numbness took over the room. Some of the kids at his own table had emptied their plates and been dismissed by Snape with a disinterested wave of the hand. Blaise, too, finished his plate and gave Draco a reassuring smile. 

 

He looked at the remaining students, only three other people had stayed behind. The food on their plates ranged from barely touched to nearly finished. The waiting was what got to Draco. He hated sitting there uselessly staring holes into the air when it was so obvious that he wouldn’t be having any of his breakfast. 

 

Snape stood. He held unmarked bottles and set them in front of each of the kids. When he got to Draco he eyed him coldly and snarled “Meal replacement.” He then turned his gaze to Blaise who had stayed behind despite having finished his plate. “Mr. Zabini. Staying behind for seconds?”, a cold smile that didn’t reach his eyes formed on Snapes face. 

Blaise looked down. “No, sir, I was just waiting for-” 

 

“If you don’t have anything left on your plate you are free to go.”, Snape stated. It was a demand not a suggestion.

 

Blaise nodded and hurriedly got up. Snape returned to his seat at the head of the table. Before Blaise left he leaned across the table and tapped the bottle in front of Draco. “You better drink it… or they’ll find other ways to make sure you get some nutrition in you.”

Draco stared at his roommate. Blaise raised his brow and gave him a knowing look. Then he was gone.

 

Draco focused on the bottle of ‘meal replacement’ whatever that meant. There was no way of calculating anything with this. He had no markers, no guideline for this. His heart began to beat faster, his cold hands started to sweat. He bit his lip, chewing on the dry skin. This little bottle with no discernable identity seemed to taunt him. His eyes flashed from the bottle to the other kids who were still seated. They had all diligently started to take small sips of the liquid. Snape had sat back in his chair and started to read a book. 

 

Draco wasn’t sure what to do. He didn’t know what ‘other things’ they could do to him as Blaise had warned, but he knew he didn’t want to find out. So carefully he reached for the bottle as if it might jump at him if he startled it. He opened it and sniffed it - a faint smell of strawberry rose in his nose. 

 

Fine , he thought and took a small sip. The drink was… lackluster to say the least. It was just as bland as the bottle itself. He managed about a quarter before he put the bottle down and screwed it shut as tight as he could. That was it. He could not bear to have anymore of the gross brew. 

 

To his pleasant surprise no one asked or commented on the fact that he hadn’t finished the drink, instead Snape just got up and informed them that they were released to head to their first class of the day. 

 

—

 

Draco stood in a hallway staring at the schedule he had received a couple days prior to his arrival at Hogwarts. The words seemed to make no sense to him, it didn’t help that there was a persistent darkness just at the edge of his vision and a skull splintering headache hammering relentlessly. He sighed and leaned against the wall, closing his eyes for a moment. 

 

Why was he here? He had been doing just fine with his routines, his approach to things. He didn’t like that he had been forced out of this by a silly little mistake. Just a misstep really. He thought back to the day a few weeks back when he had been floating on clouds from emptiness. It had been going well, really well. And then he had tripped, he had just tripped, he told himself. There had been a rush between classes, people bumping into each, yelling, laughing, chattering, and Draco simply tripped. He didn’t even remember falling, just that when he had opened his eyes there was no more laughter, none of the chattering. Instead there had been murmurs, whispers and eyes. So many eyes, on him, on the floor of his fancy private school. Humiliating. 

 

Similarly he felt eyes on him now. He snapped his head around. At the end of the hallway stood a girl. He narrowed his eyes - he had seen her in the Great Hall. Dark, curly hair that she wore with pride. “Hey!”, she called out. “You alright?”

 

He sneered at her: “None of your business”. He didn’t like that she carried herself with so much confidence, a small rage burned inside of him, he was determined to make her feel less than. 

Instead, she approached him with a smile. She carried a couple of books in her arms and had a small bag slung over her shoulder. Draco felt a bit unstable on his legs, so he opted to continue using the wall as support and hoped he didn’t look like he needed it. 

“I am Hermione Granger.”, the girl said. “I saw you this morning at-”, her eyes widened for a second with sudden realization. “breakfast.” , she finished quickly. “You’re new?”

He wanted to spit an insult at her but he simply could not find the energy to do so. 

“So what?”, he simply replied. “You think we are the same just cause you’re in the bloody loony bin too?”

She raised an eyebrow.

“Loony bin ?”, she replied “People around here don’t really appreciate that term.”

“Like I give a fuck what ‘people around here appreciate’”, Draco scoffed.

“Fine.” Hermione shrugged. “I was going to offer to help you find your class, but clearly you are better off alone.”

“Sure am.”

 

Hermione turned on her heels and started to walk away.

“Ah! You might want to know though that you are headed straight for the hospital wing - there are absolutely no classrooms in that direction… Good luck.”, she said as she turned the corner.

 

Dammit, Draco thought. He sighed, shook his head and did the only thing that appeared logical. He followed Hermione down the hall with hurried steps. 

 

—

 

He eventually found himself in a classroom. He had followed Hermione all the way there and the longer he had followed her the more it became obvious that they were indeed headed for the same class. He  tried to push the embarrassment out of his mind and just gave her a dirty look as he entered the room seconds after her. 

She had already taken a seat next to the red headed boy from the Hall. Draco looked around the room and saw Blaise, a small wave of relief rushed over him. He started towards his roommate but Pansy slid into the seat next to him right before Draco reached it. Blaise shrugged his shoulders in apology and nodded towards an empty seat behind Hermione. The dark-haired boy with glasses was sitting there leaning over the front of the table talking to Hermione and the other boy. 

 

Draco disliked him immediately. But alas, with a final hopeful look around the room, he came to the conclusion that that was to be the only empty seat left. 

 

So he sat down making sure not to cross the centerline of the table at any cost. His seat neighbor clearly was not concerned with that at all. As soon as they were prompted to take out their writing utensils Draco had to fight off the other boys' papers and pens. Finally, after the other kid had elbowed him in the ribs twice Draco snapped.

“Would you mind?”, he growled in a low tone.

The other boy looked at him with a stupid look on his face. Draco stared at him, besides those dumb glasses and the ridiculously messy hair, he also noticed a scar on the boy's forehead. Draco scoffed. So that was the type of kid his parents warned him about when they prepared him for this place.

“Sorry, what did you say?”, the other boy asked.

“Do you mind?” Draco said impatiently gesturing to the mess on the desk.

“Oh shit! Yeh, yeh sorry!” The other boy began to collect his materials and managed to make an even bigger mess. Draco almost groaned with annoyance at this but knew better than to make a spectacle of it. 

“Just keep your mess to yourself.”, he hissed.

 

After that Draco primarily tried to ignore the chaos that was happening right next to him and instead stared at the clock ticking away the minutes. He was barely listening to the professor, whose name he had missed in the beginning. Instead his mind circled around that mysterious drink they had served him at breakfast. The longer he thought about it the tighter the knot in his stomach became. It was one thing to allow himself to eat a grape or an apple every now and again but an entirely different thing to consume something that he couldn’t evaluate. He didn’t know where this drink belonged in his mental ranking. Eventually, he couldn’t take it anymore. He stood up and excused himself to the restroom.

 

As soon as he was out of the classroom he felt like he could breathe again. Then, he realized he had no idea where the closest restroom was. At that moment the classroom door swung open again, half expecting Blaise, he turned, instead, he came face to face with Hermione. 

 

“What do you want?”, he asked.

“Oh. I figured you’d need help finding the restroom… you know judging by how you followed me all the way to class?”, she said with a sly smile.

Draco narrowed his eyes. Why was this girl so persistent?

“I can find it.”, he said in a low tone. “I don’t need your help or anyone else’s. Besides, I am not here for long anyway.”

Hermione shrugged. “Fine. Then lead the way. Pretend like I am not even here.”

Draco straightened his spine and began marching confidently down the hall. He had no idea where he was going.

 

After a couple of steps he realized that Hermione wasn’t following. He reluctantly came to a standstill. He tried to keep his dignity as he turned around.

“Other way, isn’t it?”, he asked.

Hermione smiled widely, trying to bite back laughter as she nodded.

Draco huffed and without looking at her again he walked past her in the correct direction, this time he heard her footsteps behind him. 

Despite feeling embarrassed, something about her persistence in helping him made him warm to her a little. Not that he’d admit that. In fact this warmth would only be ammunition to his insistence on hating everyone and everything here, he decided.

 

After a short walk they arrived at the restroom. 

“I’ll wait here until you’re done.” Hermione informed him.

“What are you, some kind of bloody guard dog?”, he growled at her and entered the restroom.

 

As soon as he was alone he sighed. He was positively exhausted. He made sure no one was in the stalls before approaching the sink and splashing his face with water. He diligently avoided looking at the mirror.  He felt the cold water on his skin and let it drip into the bowl. He closed his eyes for a moment before looking up.

 

Tired eyes, with dark bags underneath them stared back at him through the mirror. He studied his face. Straight nose, high cheekbones that protruded from his cheeks sharply, pointy chin. His blonde hair was thin and blended almost in with the color of his skin. He was impossibly pale. He licked his dry lips. He turned his head to see it from all angles. He didn’t pass judgment he just observed, critically sure, but he just noted things about himself. It was scientific, almost clinical. 

 

Finally he took a few steps back, so that his upper body came into frame. He took a deep breath as he continued taking himself in. He was wearing a black button up shirt, the sleeves were loose around his wrists, his fingers spindly and thin. He bit the inside of his cheek as he turned to the side. He rested a hand on his chest and let it slide down to his belt to flatten the fabric of his shirt. He narrowed his eyes and repeated the motion. And again. And again. And again. Finally, in resolve he unbuttoned his shirt and bared his torso. He felt embarrassed at the sight of his own skin. He saw his ribs expanding as he breathed in. His eyes zeroed in on his sternum, his stomach, his shoulders. His eyes began to burn and he wasn’t sure if it was because he hadn’t been blinking or because genuine tears came to his eyes. 

 

He wiped a hand over his face. He shook his head and balled his hands to fists. He realized that Hermione was still outside waiting for him. He had no idea how long he had been here. 

 

He quickly buttoned up his shirt and splashed some more water in his face. He took a couple deep breaths before giving the boy in the mirror a spiteful look. Then he turned and left the restroom.

Chapter 3: Tidal Wave

Summary:

“Isn’t that against some sort of rule?”
“Oh it for sure is.”, Harry replied.

Notes:

Thanks for enjoying my fic so far - as usual warning for eating disorders, unhealthy relationship to food, disordered eating and for this chapter also implied self harm, and blood.

Hermione stood, as she had promised, outside of the bathroom, waiting. When Draco opened the door she jumped a little.

 

“Booo!”, Draco said dryly.

Hermione laughed a bit too loudly. Draco gave her a quizzical look. She caught his eye and looked away quickly.

“So we should definitely get back now… they don’t really like students being away from class for very long, you know it’s just a bit of a… uhm… safety concern I guess? Not that anything unsafe happened right, like, I mean-”, Hermione was talking a mile a minute and began walking back the way they had come.

 

Whatever resemblance of tolerance Draco had found for her was now threatened to be destroyed. And the headache from before slowly pushed its way back into his skull. 

 

“What are you talking about?”, he hissed.

“What? Nothing! It’s none of my business anyway.”

“Granger.”

 

She stopped in her tracks and stared at him with wide eyes.

 

“I swear I didn’t mean anything by it but… you know with you being new and one of the ed kids… I-”

Anger flared up in Draco’s chest. “One of the what?”

“Ed kids?”, she replied shyly.

“And what exactly do you mean by that?”

“I shouldn’t have brought it up, let’s just get back to class.”

“No. Tell me what you think I did in there.”

She sighed. “I- I don’t know. I was just worried?”

 

Draco was about ready to flip a table. This is exactly why he didn’t belong here. This girl, who clearly had something wrong with her, was acting as if he, Draco Malfoy, was the most fragile person in the world. 

 

“I am not one of those fucked up kids who throw up after they eat.”, Draco said with a low, cold voice.

Hermione nodded. “Right.” 

 

She started walking again. He followed a few steps behind. Draco couldn’t wait until this whole nightmare was over. He wondered how long it would take his father to call the right person or sue the correct doctor for him to get out of here. The whole situation was frustrating - if it hadn’t been for the hospital threatening to call social services he would have never ended up here. Apparently they all thought that his parents lack of intervention was some sort of neglect. It made him feel guilty. His parents blamed him for it, he knew that much. It wasn’t a good look for them to have him in here. Despite the family keeping to themselves they were in the public eye to a certain degree. He wondered if any of the tabloids had caught wind of this yet.

 

Suddenly he ran into something soft. He didn’t realise that Hermione had stopped walking again until he had a mouthful of her hair.

 

“You know what. That wasn’t very nice.”, she said sternly.

“What?”, he said, disgruntled.

“What you said about– you know people who throw up… it’s no different from any other eating disorder. You shouldn’t be shaming people for that. Everyone who is here… We are all just… trying. You know?”

 

Draco grunted in exasperation. He wanted her to just drop it already. This topic was a nuisance at any time but especially right now, on his first day in this hellhole. 

 

“Granger, I simply couldn't care less about your opinion.”, he said, hoping that would end the conversation once and for all. But to his misfortune she shook her head vehemently. 

“I think you should apologize.”

She must have been the most frustrating person he had ever come across. He swore with every word she spoke his headache got worse. 

“Didn’t you say we should get back to class? My god, Granger, are you gonna make me stand here all day?”

“Fine," she said. “Just know that people won’t bother with you for long if this is how you’re going to treat them.”

 

He rolled his eyes as she began marching down the corridor. He followed her at a slower pace. Getting worked up like that while he was dealing with this migraine made him a bit unsteady on his feet.

 

—

 

By the time Hermione and him had returned to class it was almost over, so at least he didn’t have to deal with his obnoxious seat neighbor anymore. He still hadn’t gotten the boy’s name, and for all he cared that was for the best. 

 

After that first class Hermione kept her distance. Although he felt her eyes on him and saw his name pass from her lips to her friends. He didn’t like the stares they gave him. Whenever possible he sneered at them, to show that he didn’t care about what these freaks thought of him. 

 

He spent his time alone or floating around Blaise, Pansy and Astoria. He wouldn’t go as far as call them friends by any means but he became casual around them. The first few days at Hogwarts crawled by in a blur, he felt dizzy and as though he was walking on clouds most of the time. It made him absent and a bit disconnected from the world. He didn’t mind. He was used to the sensation and had come to enjoy it. It was like a shield sheltering him from the passage of time.

 

Regardless though, every day he woke up expecting news from his parents, a letter, a word, anything. Informing him of how he was to leave Hogwarts immediately to return to Malfoy Manor. Every day that letter didn’t come. Instead he dragged himself to the Great Hall, to sit and to watch. He took small sips of the meal replacement drink. Went to class. Went to group therapy or individual therapy. He didn’t participate in either. 

 

After a couple of days at Hogwarts, as he was making his way to the Great Hall for Lunch he was intercepted. A gentle looking older lady stood at the double doors. She held a clipboard and looked around the crowd of students that were streaming into the Hall. Draco was making a snide remark about someone to Blaise and Pansy who were on either side of him, when her eyes landed on him. 

A wide smile blossomed on her face. “Mr. Malfoy?”, she called out. Irritated Draco looked at her. 

“Damn, Draco…”, Pansy whispered. “That’s Madam Pomfrey… good luck.”

“Yeah, man… you might be in deep shit…”, Blaise agreed.

“What-”, Draco started but the other two were swept up in the crowd and carried into the Hall, leaving him alone with the woman.

 

—

 

Madam Pomfrey led Draco to the Hospital Wing. She wasn’t intimidating or strict at all, nothing like McGonagall or even Snape. And yet she was firm with a no bullshit attitude. Draco had a feeling he wasn’t going to get away with his usual condescension or avoidance. 

 

Madam Pomfrey ushered him into a small office, sat in a chair behind a desk and gestured to the other side for Draco to take a seat. He cautiously did so. 

 

“Mr. Malfoy.”, she said again, “I am pleased to finally meet you.”

“Pleasure”, he replied reluctantly.

“Have you been able to settle in alright?”

“I suppose.”

“Good. Well, we wanted to give you a bit of time to get used to everything, since your arrival wasn’t exactly… typical. Your parents seem to still miss the importance of your treatment here at Hogwarts.”

This was the first time he had heard anything regarding his parents since he had arrived. So, they were still fighting for him to get out of here? He had started to doubt that they even cared.

“Are they here? To pick me up, I mean.”, Draco asked hopefully.

Madam Pomfrey gave him a sad smile and shook her head.

“I am afraid not. Headmaster Dumbledore had a meeting with them just a couple days back, and urged them to keep you here a bit longer.”

A painful beat slashed through Draco’s chest.

“A meeting? They were here?”

Madam Pomfrey looked surprised for a moment before collecting herself.

“Yes. You didn’t get to see them?”

Draco swallowed hard.

“No.”

An expression formed on Madam Pomfrey’s face that disgusted Draco; pity. That face made him feel like he was an abandoned puppy, broken, sad, unwanted. He narrowed his eyes and put up all of his defenses. He was a Malfoy, part of one of the most powerful families in England, he would not be belittled.

 

“Very good. My father is a busy man, this meeting was surely a waste of his time, just like this entire school.”, he said coldly.

Madam Pomfrey didn’t acknowledge his change in demeanor, instead she smiled at him and said “I am sorry your parents didn’t make time to see you. However, that is not why I called you in here today. To be honest, Mr. Malfoy, while we wanted to give you time to adjust, we do have an obligation to monitor your progression and it seems as though you haven’t really made any.”

“What?”, he said dumbfounded.

“Professor Snape noted your refusal to partake in almost all meal times and considering the severity of your condition we can not accept this any longer.”

Draco balled his hands to fists.

“Mr. Malfoy, do you understand why you are here?”

“Yes.”, he said, keeping his tone of voice even. “Because I tripped at my old school and everyone blew the whole thing out of proportion.”

“Mr. Malfoy, you know that is not what I am looking for.”

“I know. But it is the truth.”

“How long have you been struggling with your eating habits?”

Draco gritted his teeth.

“I am not struggling . I don’t understand why you people are trying to convince me that self-control is a bad thing. I don’t want to stuff my face like a fucking pig every meal, what’s so wrong with that?”, he burst. 

Madam Pomfrey’s face softened.

“Draco”, she said softly, the sound of his own name almost made him jump. “If it is self-control then one meal won’t hurt. If it is self-control then you’ll be able to eat a plate of pasta for lunch.”

He felt a prick in his eyes. She got up slowly and went into a room off to the side. When she returned she was carrying a plate, the smell of tomato sauce filled the room. Draco’s insides twisted into themselves.

She placed the plate on the desk in front of him. He refused to look at it and stared at Madam Pomfrey instead. What in the world did she think she was doing here?

 

Madam Pomfrey sat back in her chair. 

“One bite, Draco. Prove to me that you are the one in control.”

He didn’t move. 

“Alright,” she said, “I will give you some privacy. I will be back in 45 minutes to check on you. If you have eaten by then you can return to your regular schedule for the rest of the day, if not we may have to consider keeping you here for a few days instead.”

With that she set a small old-school timer on her desk and left the room.

 

—

 

Draco was alone. It was impossibly quiet in the room, save for the persistent ticking of the timer, and he felt as if he had been removed from the world entirely. As if the tiny office was the only place that existed at all. He looked around the room. It wasn’t unwelcoming or stale. There were pictures on the wall, little knickknacks on the desk, a window with warm curtains. And yet, Draco felt that this must have been the coldest room in the entire castle.

 

He got up and walked to the window, It opened to a view of the grounds. A couple of students were sitting under trees, playing cards or walking around. From this quiet corner he almost found the place beautiful. The dreary, rainy weather of the day of his arrival had made way for a beautiful sunny warmth. There were barely any clouds and the green of the forest that bordered the grounds was magnificent. Draco leaned his head against the cool glass and closed his eyes. 

 

He wasn’t sure how long he had been standing there before someone opened the door. Draco expected it was Madam Pomfrey and didn’t bother to look.

Instead he heard a boy’s voice: “Oh shit! Sorry.”

Startled but keeping his composure he turned around. To his dismay he stared into the green eyes of his classmate. The boy’s cheeks were flushed with red as if he had been running or just came from outside. He didn’t make any efforts to leave Draco to his solitude and instead just looked around the room, until his eyes landed on the now cold plate of pasta. They quickly dashed from the plate back to Draco.

“Oh shit! I am so sorry”, the boy repeated.

Draco raised an eyebrow. 

“Are you?”, he said coldly.

“I didn’t know- well I was looking for Madam Pomfrey.”, the other boy said, still not moving to leave.

“Evidently she is not here, is she?”, Draco said impatiently.

“Right. Well, uhm, I kinda need some help though.” The boy lifted his right hand, which he had held clutched to his stomach until now. 

Draco hadn’t noticed the bruised and bloody knuckles until that moment and took a step back. 

“Gross.”, he said. “What happened?”

The other boy gave him a puzzled look and then laughed a genuine and deep laugh.

“Gross?”, he repeated, still laughing. 

Draco furrowed his brow, he was beginning to wish Madam Pomfrey would hurry up and return already.

The other boy finally calmed a bit.

“You’re Draco Malfoy, right?”, he asked.

Draco nodded.

“I am Harry! Harry Potter.”, he said, reaching out his uninjured hand. “It's nice to meet you, finally.”

Draco stared at Harry’s hand without shaking it.

“We’ve met.”, he said simply.

“I guess you’re right. But you don’t seem particularly talkative in class.”

“You haven’t told me what happened to your hand yet.”

Harry shrugged and looked away a little embarrassed.

“Well, I was playing football and uhh I get a bit angry sometimes.”

“You punched someone?”

“What?! No! I wouldn’t just punch someone! I punched the goal post.”

Draco scoffed. “Looks like the goal post won.”

Harry grinned at him. “Looks like it”, he agreed.

The two stared at each other for a short moment, as silence settled over them. Draco shifted uncomfortably on his feet. 

Finally, he sighed, Draco wasn’t going to get rid of Harry any time soon it seemed.

“Do you know where Madam Pomfrey keeps the bandages?”

Harry leaned his head to one side with an inquisitive look on his face and reminded Draco of a labrador for a moment. 

“Yeah.”, Harry said, “She has some in that cabinet right there.”

 

A few minutes later, Draco had bandaged Harry’s hand with precision and expertise. Harry was sitting on Madam Pomfrey’s desk, kicking his legs and staring at the bandages on his hand, mouth gaping. 

“How’d you learn how to do that?”, he asked.

Draco shrugged. “Picked it up along the way, I guess.” He wasn’t about to bare his soul, to a complete stranger.

“Well! Since you helped me, let me help you now!”

Draco raised his brows. “I doubt you have anything to offer that could help me.”

His eyes dashed to the still ticking timer on the desk, he had about 15 minutes until Madam Pomfrey would return, and he very desperately wanted Harry to be gone by then.

Harry however, misinterpreted the look and glanced at the plate of pasta instead.

He looked back up at Draco.

“I could… eat it for you?”, he offered.

“What?” Draco said. 

“I mean that’s why you’re here, aren’t you?”

Draco fixed his eyes firmly on Harry. Was he suggesting what he thought he was?

“You want to eat my food for me.”, Draco said dryly.

“I mean, sure. Why not? Not all of it but… I could help you start?”

Now it was Draco’s turn to gape at Harry.

“Isn’t that against some sort of rule?”

“Oh it for sure is.”, Harry replied.

“Your friend… what’s her name… Granger? Would probably not approve of something like that.”

Harry laughed. “She told me about your little journey to the restroom and back”, he giggled. “You gave her a proper fright. I thought you were a prick after that but you don’t seem so bad, actually.”

Draco made a face at that. That whole thing had been a nuisance in its own right. He had kind of anticipated never to talk to Hermione Granger or any of her friends again after that day.

“Fine," he said. “You can eat my food for me.”

“Alright!”, Harry said and swung himself off the table. “But.”, he paused. “If I have a bite, so do you, cool?”

Draco stared at him indignantly. Harry smiled widely.

“I’ll try.”, Draco finally said, earnestly.

And so the two boys said across from each other, Harry took the first bite, he piled his fork as full as possible and stuffed it in his mouth. Draco had to restrain himself so he wouldn’t recoil. 

Then Harry locked eyes with Draco and passed him the fork. Draco avoided his gaze and instead lowered his eyes to the plate. Despite Harry having taken a decent sized bite the portion seemed to have expanded since Madam Pomfrey had put it in front of him. 

Draco licked his dry lips and his head started spinning, the longer he stared at the noodles the hotter his head seemed to get. It didn’t help that he was painfully aware of Harry’s lingering eyes on him. 

Draco bit his lip and carefully prodded at one of the noodles. He just really wasn’t very hungry, he told himself. He pushed the noodle around the plate. For a moment he imagined himself pushing each noodle individually off the plate and onto the floor. No one would expect him to eat them then. Besides, the pasta was cold now, it wouldn’t even taste very good.

He inhaled sharply and stabbed the noodle with his fork before lifting it to his lips. He hesitated for a second before placing it in his mouth and chewing. It felt like an enormous amount of labor, as if his muscles weren’t used to the motion anymore. 

Finally, with great effort, he swallowed. 

 

He looked back up at Harry, who had the decency to pretend to be very focused on a bookshelf that stood in the corner of the room.. 

 

“Your turn, Potter.” Draco croaked.

 

Harry looked at him and smiled. 

 

They continued taking turns until Draco couldn’t anymore. Each time Harry handed him the fork it felt heavier than it had before and each time he took up a noodle it seemed larger than the previous one. With every bite Draco felt his throat closing up more and more until finally he dropped the fork and it clattered onto the plate. They had barely spoken a word to each other. 

 

Harry looked at him. “You okay?”, he asked quietly.

“Yeah. Yeah, I am fine.”, Draco breathed. “I am just… full.”

Harry nodded. “Alright, Malfoy. No worries.”

Draco leaned back in his chair. He avoided looking at the plate. He didn’t want to see the damage he had done. Instead he focused his eyes on the timer. It was nearing the end of its cycle. Harry followed his eyes. 

“I better get out of here, huh?”, he said. 

Draco nodded. Harry got up quietly and headed to the door. Before he left he turned and said: “Thank you, Malfoy.” and gently waved his bandaged hand.

Draco didn’t look at him. 

 

—

 

Madam Pomfrey had returned not long after Harry had left. She seemed pleased with what she saw, a half empty plate. She sent Draco on his way after checking in with him. She seemed to not even guess at the lie that Draco had offered her up. And maybe that was why, to Draco, it felt as though he had indeed eaten by himself. Potter’s contribution seemed smaller and smaller the further he got from the Hospital Wing. The more he thought about it the heavier his heart felt, as if he had stones weighing in his stomach. His throat felt tight, there was a pressure behind his eyes and so he began walking. Faster and faster down corridors and hallways he hadn’t been to before. He was thinking about the grounds he had seen from Madam Pomfrey’s window and wished he could go out there and just run until his steps didn’t feel so heavy anymore. But alas, he was not permitted to go out yet. Instead he began climbing stairs. He would walk until he came upon a staircase and then walk up it until there were no more steps to take. He kept going up and up and up. His mind zeroed in on each step. 

 

The deeper into the castle he got the smaller the corridors and staircases became until finally he found himself at a wooden door with a heavy lock. Despite the lock, he found the door ajar. He looked up and down the hallway to make sure no one was watching and then slipped through the crack. 

 

He was at the bottom of a particularly dingy and winding staircase. He steadily began climbing up.

Chapter 4: Dreaming Of

Summary:

"He is nothing like Reggie. And even if he was, I’d much prefer that over Sirius.”

Notes:

New chapter! Bit of a short one today but the next one is coming up soon!

Draco’s heart was pounding in his chest, his head felt as if filled with cotton, his cold hands gripped the railing, and yet he kept climbing up the stairs.

 

Part of it was curiosity but a much bigger part was that he needed to succeed. Little specks of black obscured his vision and he considered pausing to catch his breath, when he realized that he had almost reached the top. To his surprise sunlight flooded into the staircase now. He swallowed and made the final steps. 

He leaned up against a post and closed his eyes, he almost fell backwards down the stairs if it hadn’t been for someone grabbing his arm and stabilizing him.

 

Draco’s eyes fluttered open to see who caught him. To his surprise he stared into the soft brown eyes of his roommate.

 

“Ey, Draco! You alright?”, Blaise asked wearily.

Draco shook his head to gain some mental clarity.

“Yes. Yes, I am fine," he said. “You can let go of my arm.”

“Right. Sorry.” Blaise backed up quickly. His eyes were wondering as if trying to avoid Draco’s.

 

“Are you alright?” Draco asked.

“Oh! Yeh! I, um, just didn’t expect anyone- How did you get up here?”

Draco gave him an annoyed look. 

“The stairs.”, he said dryly.

Blaise smiled, but it lacked some of the joy he usually projected outward.

“I know. I meant no one usually comes up here… I am not even sure if most people know about this spot, the door is usually locked.”

“Well. I just happened to come upon it.”, Draco said lightly. Then he paused. “If the door is usually locked then how come you know about this spot?” 

Blaise looked at him sheepishly.

“Uh… I have my way with lockpicks… They keep it locked for pretty obvious reasons though” 

 

With that he stepped out of Draco’s way and opened up the view to the top floor of the tower. Large arches all around gave way to a beautiful view. The sun beamed into the observation deck unobstructed. 

 

Draco slowly walked over to the balustrade, the warmth on his face felt like it was breathing life back into his tired frame. 

He looked out to the forest and beyond that to the gentle hills in the distance. He realized with a start how different this place was from his own home. Malfoy Manor, while being an imposing piece of architecture in its own right, was cold, and always a bit grey even on the sunniest of days. Hogwarts, in contrast, was warm and lively. 

Then his gaze fell and he looked down, the bottom of the castle met the ground far beneath him, it gave his stomach a small unsettling tug. 

 

“Can’t let a bunch of crazy kids up into a tower without any walls”, Blaise said quietly and stepped next to Draco.

For a gentle moment the two boys just stood and felt the sun on their skin. It was oddly intimate. As soon as the thought had entered Draco’s mind he couldn’t bear it anymore. He turned around quickly. 

 

“You smell weird," he said harshly. 

Blaise who had closed his eyes snapped them open and looked at Draco in disbelief.

“What?”, he said.

Draco had smelled it the second Blaise had caught him from falling down the stairs. A stale, ashy smell clung to him.

“It’s…”, Draco tried to describe it, sniffing the air.

Blaise let out a short laugh and then pulled out a small rectangular object.

“It’s cigarettes," he said plainly. “You’re not gonna rat me out, right?”

 

Draco scrunched up his nose. Cigarettes. He didn’t like the smell of them. Sometimes his aunt, Bellatrix, would smoke at the Manor. His parents didn’t approve of it, especially his mother. She would throw snide remarks at Bellatrix when she smelled them on her. Although, Draco had a feeling it was only for show in front of him. He remembered a time, months past, when he had been unable to sleep. He had been tossing and turning in his bed, hunger gnawing at his insides. When he couldn’t take it anymore he had snuck out of his room. He liked to take secret walks in the gardens to distract himself from half-awake dreams of chocolate and pudding. That particular night he had snuck out to take his usual route when he had heard voices from above, his mother and aunt, speaking quietly. He had stopped underneath the balcony, unmoving from fear of making a noise and giving himself away. The smell had been there too. He had looked up and two pairs of hands rested on the railing, passing a cigarette back and forth. “He is pretty damn pale, Cissy.” He had heard his aunt say. “Runs in the family.” His mother had replied. “He seems… too soft for a boy his age.” His aunt's voice. Naricssa had scoffed. “He is well-behaved, Bella. We raised him well.” A moment of silence. “He reminds me of…” “Don’t say it. Bella, I dare you. Don’t say it.” Bellatrix let out a bit of a mean chuckle. “So you see it too?” Another long silence. The longer Draco had stood there the more uneasy he had felt. He had been raised to respect adults and that their conversations were none of his business. Right as he had decided to sneak away his mother’s voice had sounded out again, “He is nothing like Reggie. And even if he was, I’d much prefer that over Sirius.” At those names Draco’s heart skipped a beat. This had definitely been a conversation not for his ears. He had rushed back to his room as quietly but swiftly as he could. Two names that were barely ever even whispered in the house Malfoy.

 

“Hey, Draco? You there?” Blaise's voice pulled Draco out of the memory.

“Sorry”, Draco mumbled. 

“I thought you were almost gonna pass out again.”

“No, sorry, just thinking. What did you say?”

“I asked if you wanted to try?”

Blaise held out a lit cigarette to Draco.

Draco looked from the cigarette to Blaise.

“Why do you smoke?”, he asked genuinely.

Blaise shrugged. “I heard it… it helps with hunger," he said quietly. “And now it's just kind of a habit.”

“Oh”, Draco said. 

Blaise turned out to the balustrade leaning against it. 

“I used to come up here after mealtimes because of all the-”, Blaise began.

“Stairs?” Draco finished his sentence. Blaise smiled sadly, “Exactly.” 

 

A moment of quiet came over the two again. 

Draco observed Blaise - the other boy had nice features, Draco noted. His face was friendly, open, despite the concern that had settled over it now. Draco imagined Blaise must be quite handsome if his disorder hadn’t figuratively eaten away at him. In fact, he thought Blaise was handsome even now. Draco furrowed his brows startled by his own thoughts. It wasn’t proper to note another person, especially another boy’s, appearance like that. I am just observing, it’s purely neutral observation, he told himself. 

 

“They’re going to move me to the open tables soon.” Blaise said suddenly with severity. “McGonagall told me earlier after lunch.”

“What?”Draco replied.

Blaise turned to him with a forced smile on his lips, he sucked on the cigarette and let out a cloud of smoke. 

“It means I won’t have to sit in our section anymore. It means I am doing better," he said.

“Congrats?” Draco replied hesitantly.

Blaise laughed and shook his head.

“Right. Congratulations are in order.” He looked away. “I should be happy, you know? Because I am getting better, but somehow…” He trailed off. 

Draco felt uncomfortable. He wasn’t used to this kind of conversation. Someone sharing their worries, their feelings . Those kinds of things, he had learned early on, were private, not something to share on a whim. And yet, he felt as though Blaise expected a response.

“... but somehow… you don’t?” he tried.

Blaise nodded. “I just don’t understand why ‘getting better’ feels so god awful. I’ve been really trying this time. I wanted to get better. I committed to it. This is what I have been working towards and now that I am at this point all I want to do is… go back.” His voice shook. Draco panicked. 

Sharing feelings was already pushing it but he was entirely unequipped to deal with tears.

“Uhm… have you… talked to anyone about this?”

“No. I can’t disappoint them like that. Not again.”

“I doubt that Snape has the ability to care enough.”, Draco said with a snark.

Blaise huffed out a small laugh.

“Not the professors. My family.”

“Oh”, said Draco. 

“They’ve been through this enough times.”

“What do you mean?”

Blaise shrugged.

“I’ve been to a couple of different clinics. It was all for nothing. And yet everytime my family was hopeful. And everytime I just went straight back to it after I got out.”

Draco realized that he hadn’t really ever thought about Blaise’s before Hogwarts life. 

“But I thought it’ll be different this time. Because I chose. I decided that I’ll make it work. But now… I am worried that I can’t. That I won’t ever be able to make it work.”

“You got this far, didn’t you?”

Blaise looked at him. “I guess so.” He smiled at Draco.

Draco wasn’t sure if he had said the right thing. That’s why they have therapists at this bloody school, he thought bitterly.

“Draco, I know you say you don’t want to be here and that you’re not one of us.”, Blaise said suddenly. Draco met his eyes unsure of where he was going with this. “But… I think you’re lying.”

Draco raised an eyebrow and looked at Blaise with indignation.

“If you really wanted to leave you would. They can’t force you to stay. And yet, here you are.”

 

Draco felt a tremble in his chest. Who did Blaise think he was? Draco had just spent a good amount of time listening to him whine just for this to be the payback?

 

“I think you might not even know it yet but I think you’re starting to realize that you need help.”, Blaise continued, unaware of the turmoil he had caused in Draco.

 

“The only thing I need help with is getting out of here. And my parents are taking care of that.”, Draco replied coldly. The warmth of the sun had disappeared behind big heavy clouds that began rolling in.

 

Blaise gave him a wide grin. “Whatever you say!” He raised the cigarette to his lips and took a drag. 

 

Draco's eyes were fixed on him furiously. He reached across the other boy and took the cigarette out from between his fingers. Without thinking he raised it to his own lips and took a breath in. 

 

The smoke filled his mouth and then his lungs – Draco coughed painfully and dropped the cigarette. Blaise burst out in laughter as Draco toppled over trying to clear his throat of the raspy, unpleasant feeling. 

 

After he gained his composure again he looked at Blaise with a bitter face. Blaise however beamed back at him, and somehow, somewhere in Draco that softened something. He returned a small unsure smile.

 

“That was disgusting. How do you do it so easily?”

Blaise shrugged. “Practice.”

Draco picked up the cigarette, checked if it was still lit and took another drag. This time it was much smoother. He breathed out with only the smallest cough.

Chapter 5: Ocean Views

Summary:

"You still think you’re someone better. But you’re not, you’re just as sick as the rest of us."

Notes:

Sorry for the wait on this new chapter. Had a really busy week but here it is finally!

CW: eating disorders, disordered eating, characters engaging in discussions surrounding ED behaviors

After that day Draco and Blaise were friends. They probably had been before from Blaise’s perspective but Draco wasn’t used to that sort of thing. He was slow when it came to trusting people - his father had ingrained in him that a true friend didn’t exist. Loyalty born from fear was the only trustworthy source of connection - friendship could only ever be a tool to be manipulated in your favor, not something that was freely given and readily cherished. 

 

And yet here Draco was, smoking a secret cig with his roommate, no, his friend. It had become a comforting routine of theirs. They would talk for hours until after the sun had set or they would just silently blow bluish smoke towards the clouds. Draco had started to enjoy the smoothness of the smoke filling his lungs, making his head spin a little and his fingers tingle. 

 

He snuck a glance at Blaise. The other boy relaxed against a pillar looking out over the grounds, which lay in shadows beneath them. His warm brown skin shone like gold. Up here, in the tower, they were soaked in the last sunbeams while the forest and the hills had already drenched everything beneath them in a nightly cloak. 

 

Blaise didn’t eat at Draco’s table anymore. It had already been a week and Draco would lie if he didn’t miss it. He still avoided most of the meals, although he had learned that in order to avoid another meeting with Madam Pomfrey he had to show effort. So he forced a couple of bites whenever he could bear it. Afterwards he always felt worse than before, heart hammering too high in his chest, fingers clawing at his own skin in the mirror, panic choking him. He wished he could still get a reassuring smile from Blaise at the top of the meal, an eye roll or a knowing glance whenever Snape handed out the meal replacement, but no. Blaise was better now and so he ate with the other kids. The kids who didn’t meticulously keep track of the exact amount of bites they took of their sandwiches or counted every single crumb that passed their lips. Blaise was better. And Draco was… alone.

 

Sure there was Pansy and sure they had grown closer too but it wasn’t the same. Blaise had offered Draco his support in ways that Pansy couldn’t. Not yet anyway, she was far too similar to Draco. Pushing food around her plate, sitting in waiting until Snape released them and more often than not Pansy and Draco were the last ones still at the table sipping the bland liquid to make up for the lack of actual nutrition.

 

One night Draco sat with Pansy and Blaise in the common room when Astoria, Pansy’s roommate, stormed in. “You’re so bloody stupid!”, she yelled. Draco who until this moment had been dazedly going over some homework didn’t appreciate the sudden disruption at all.

 

“What do you mean?” Pansy asked dumbfounded.

“Why would you hide this shit in our room?” Astoria shot back with a cold glare.

 

Now that peeked everybody’s interest. Draco and Blaise locked eyes for a moment both putting down their respective distractions. Pansy sat upright as if a bolt of lightning had struck her. 

 

“I’ve got no idea what you’re talking about.” An obvious lie. Astoria threw a little plastic bag at her. 

“Right.” she said, “And I bet if I went to McGonagall or Snape right this second you wouldn’t have anything to say either.”

 

Now Pansy’s eyes darkened, she rose to her feet. Tension in every muscle of her fragile body. She balled the baggie in her fist. 

 

Draco hadn’t ever seen her like this. Blaise, however, seemed to know this look. He shot a glance at Draco warning him not to get involved. 

 

“If you go to them then I will make your life absolute hell, Astoria. Don’t think you have anything to hold over my head. I can throw it back at you tenfold.”

Astoria scoffed as the two girls were standing toe to toe. 

“Pansy. You’re such a bloody cunt. You do understand how fucking dangerous this shit is, right?”

 

Draco, who still had no idea what exactly Astoria had found or why it was such a damn big deal, looked back and forth between them. This was the most interesting thing that had happened at Hogwarts yet. And he had front row seats.

 

“Like you give a shit. You’re just scared they’ll think you got anything to do with it.”, Pansy spat back.

“Are you trying to kill yourself, Pansy?!” Pansy just laughed a dry mad laugh. “Well, if you are, why don’t you just let them transfer you - at least I wouldn’t have to deal with your bullshit anymore.”

“Like you’re so much better, Tori. Every single fucker in this whole damn castle is trying to die - we just got different methods. I mean look at blondie over there - he’s been here for weeks and looks worse than when he got here-”

Draco’s eyes shot up at her. “I am not trying to-”, he started but Astoria interrupted him. 

“Fuck you, Pansy. Unlike yourself some of us are actually trying to be better. It just sucks that we have to watch you destroy yourself and make it harder on all of us.” Her voice had lost some of the sharpness and Draco thought he saw tears glistening in her eyes. Suddenly, he understood that this wasn’t just about anger but it was also about care. 

 

Astoria turned on her heels and walked away, leaving Pansy standing there, hands still balled to fists. When she turned to face Blaise and Draco her eyes were also red-rimmed. 

 

“What are you looking at”, she hissed at Draco, who hadn’t realized that he was staring. 

What Pansy had said didn’t sit right with him, so he said again. “I am not trying to die.”

Pansy narrowed her eyes, shook her head and gave him a sour grin. 

 

“My god, Draco. You’re so fucking delusional. You still think you’re someone better. But you’re not, you’re just as sick as the rest of us. Here, try to catch up.” With that she tossed the bag at him. He caught it and found that it contained small pills. He still didn’t understand. 

 

“Pansy!” Blaise suddenly spoke up. “Don’t do that.”

Pansy sneered. “No, no, Blaise - look at him. He wants to know.” Then she directed her focus back at Draco. 

“They are weight loss pills. To slim the waist, if you know what I mean.”

 

—

 

Draco never touched the pills. But he did… keep them. Blaise warned him time and time again to throw them away, flush them down the toilet, that this was a serious matter. But Draco was fascinated by whatever had possessed Pansy to take them. He never as much as opened the bag. He wasn’t even sure why he didn’t throw them away. 

 

Pansy’s outburst had shifted something all around. There was an unspoken agreement that none of them would mention the incident to the faculty. Astoria and Pansy didn’t really speak much to each other after that. Pansy latched onto Draco in a special kind of way. At meal times she would make a point to sit next to him, glance at him, observe him. It was a bit unnerving, it felt as though she was watching his every move, matching his energy. Whenever he’d return to the common room she was there waiting for him. Maybe she felt bad for having pulled him into her tantrum or maybe she just saw herself in him. Neither one of them seemed to make any notable progress in their recovery and maybe that was why she started to like him so much. 

 

Blaise seemed cautious around her. He got quiet when Pansy and Draco talked, he too was watching Draco. He sometimes felt Blaise’s eyes on him from across the room when Pansy threw her arms around his neck to give him a big hug. 

Draco wasn’t really a hugger. He had never shown his affection for others physically and he certainly had never been shown it that way either. He hadn’t quite made his mind up about whether or not he liked it. But for now he tolerated it. Pansy was a surprisingly nice companion. Unlike Blaise she wasn’t ever trying to encourage Draco, and he appreciated that. Perhaps, because it meant that she didn’t ask him to confront himself with his ‘issues’.

 

Despite this new found companionship Draco still cherished stolen moments with Blaise. They still snuck up the staircase to the top of the tower, still smoked cigarettes while watching the sunset. But Draco also noticed that Blaise seemed quieter now. More distant, as if he was trying to avoid Draco’s conversation.

 

“Have I done something?” Draco asked one day finally. 

“Mh?” Blaise’s thoughts were miles away.

“You seem different.”, Draco stated. “Colder?”

Blaise looked at him for a long moment.

“No, you haven’t done anything…”

“But?” Draco pushed.

Blaise shrugged. He took a drag of his cigarette. He took his time exhaling the smoke, watching it curl in the air. “I am worried about you.”, Blaise finally said. 

“Worried?” Draco said, raising his brows. People weren’t supposed to worry about him. People being worried about him was what had landed him here in the first place. 

“Pansy.” Blaise said simply. “She isn’t… I think she isn’t good for you.”

Draco looked at him puzzled. “Pansy?”

“Yes. She is… I mean you both are not good right now. But you’ve been growing quite close?”

Draco shook his head. “I hate when you talk to me like I am fragile. You know-”

“I know you still think that you don’t need to be here. And that’s exactly why I am worried.”

 

Draco sighed. Blaise wasn’t entirely right about that. Draco knew now that he wasn’t healthy. He knew that and he had known that for longer than he cared to admit. Everything in him revolted against the idea of being helped though. That’s why he had been riding that high horse ever since he arrived. He didn’t want to be here, but perhaps he did need to be here. 

 

“She likes you, you know?”

Draco looked at the other boy. “She is my friend. Of course she likes me.”

“No”, Blaise smiled. “She fancies you.”

“Oh.”

Blaise shook his head. “That's never a good idea - you know relationships between kids like us… fancying each other. It always hurts.” Blaise sounded incredibly sad when he said that.

 

Draco hadn’t even considered that that was what was happening with him and Pansy. She was nice, sure and she was pretty, he supposed. Was that what everyone had been seeing? Were they in a relationship without Draco even knowing it? Was Blaise speaking from experience?

 

He looked back at Blaise. “Were you…?”

Blaise looked at him.

“Yeah. A few months before you got here I met a - someone and we were both struggling but we liked each other. The faculty doesn’t appreciate relationships between patients, so we were very secretive about it.”

“Who?”, asked Draco.

Blaise shook his head. “It didn’t end too well. We were just tearing each other apart and then…”

“She is not here anymore, then?”

Blaise shook his head. Draco eyed him closely, a terrible thought dawned on him.

“Is she… Did she die?”

Blaise shrugged. His voice got quiet. “Honestly, I don’t know. Maybe just at a different program now… moved to a different clinic or something. I- I wasn’t in a good place either so I couldn’t really keep track of it. Just - to say this: I don’t want the same thing to happen to you and Pansy. I can’t lose any more friends.”

Draco nodded, taking a drag of his cigarette. A shiver ran down his spine. 

 

—

 

Draco had not spoken to Harry Potter since their meeting in Madam Pomfrey’s office weeks ago. In fact, he was rigidly acting as if none of it had ever happened at all. As far as he could tell Potter did the same. The classes they shared and sat next to each other Draco made a point of establishing a clear, uncrossable border in the middle of the table. Whenever they saw each other in the hall, Draco sneered at the other boy, who managed like no other to always be a bit too loud a bit too much. 

And that could have been all good and well if it hadn’t been for the other times. When Draco’s eyes wandered and lingered on the dark curls, the scar, those deep green eyes, which seemed to always meet his own icy grey ones. 

 

Draco’s mind had been tossing after the strangeness that had settled over his small band of friends. The fragility of those relationships seemed to wash over him and he didn’t know what to do about it. He wasn’t used to this. He never had friends before. He never had someone fancy him. And he had never been in a place like Hogwarts, where everything existed in a vacuum, detached from the do’s and don'ts of his upbringing. It was exhausting. And on top of all of that, he felt tired all the time. He desperately needed some fresh air, a walk and a cig.

 

He had been given grounds privileges a few days back and enjoyed his new freedoms immensely. He carried his own pack of cigarettes on him now, Blaise wouldn’t tell him who smuggled them into Hogwarts but was always willing to buy an extra pack for Draco. 

 

And so Draco was slowly walking along the borders of the grounds, weaving in and out of the shadows of the treeline, his brain flip-flopping between topics faster than he could keep track of. His mind was a bit cloudy, his steps a bit shaky. He took a drag, he exhaled, his head spun. It had been a long day, and emptiness was gnawing at his intestines. His mouth was dry, his eyes glassy. He was chewing on his dry lips when a sudden wave of vertigo came over him, he had to stabilize himself against a tree to avoid toppling over. 

 

“Shit.”, he murmured under his breath. Suddenly he heard a shuffling just ahead. He piped up. He didn’t want to be seen like this, plus if this was Filch, the janitor who would patrol around the castle at night, he definitely couldn’t get caught with a cig. He froze, not knowing where to go from there. He stepped carefully backwards when - crack. Draco could have kicked himself. Somehow he had managed to step on a particularly dry and brittle branch. 

 

“Hellooo?”, a drawn-out voice called, shortly followed by a head of curls and round glasses peeking out from behind a tree. Potter. Draco rolled his eyes.

Chapter 6: Checking Out

Summary:

“This is a relapse, isn’t it, Potter?”

Notes:

TW: eating disorders, alcoholism, implied drug abuse and overdose, implied self injury

“Hi.”, Draco said coldly. Turning to leave.
“OH! Hi!” Potter responded with a wide stupid grin on his face. “S’that a cigarette.”, he mumbled.

Draco looked at the still lit cig between his fingers and back at Potter. Something seemed off.

“Yeh. What about it?”
Potter shrugged. “Nothin’, you got a - a spare?” He spoke in a strange way, kind of slow and uneven, swallowing up letters.

Draco narrowed his eyes and stepped forward. Potter was sitting at the foot of a tree looking out over the water of the lake. The lake was fenced up in order to prevent any accidents but it was still a nice peaceful place to sit.

“You smoke?” Draco finally asked.
Potter shrugged. “Sometimes… You do?”
Draco furrowed his brows. “Evidently, Potter.”
Potter giggled at that. “Right! Sorry… I’m a bit…”, he raised his hand and drew small circles in the air next to his head. “Sooo… you got a cig to share?”
Draco nodded reluctantly and handed Potter the pack. The other boy fumbled with it until he managed to pull one out. He stuck it between his lips and smiled widely at Draco, which promptly made the cigarette fall out of his mouth. “Oops.”, he said and picked it back up. “You got a light?”
Draco handed him a lighter - a gift from Blaise.

“Come sit!”, Potter said while trying to light his cigarette. He was a bit uncoordinated with it and stared at Draco for a second too long.

“Watch out!” Draco said and lunged forward, snatching the lighter out of Potter's fingers. “Ouch!”, yowled the other boy looking at his slightly cinched finger tips. “Shit.” Then he took a long drag from his cigarette.
“What is wrong with you?” Draco asked, giving him a disgusted look. The question had been intended to be rhetorical, but clearly Potter hadn’t picked up on it.
“Nothin’, just a bit uhhh…”, Potter trailed off.
Another sudden wave of vertigo came over Draco and he decided that standing up, he was too far from the ground at this particular moment. He reluctantly sank to the ground next to Potter.

The other boy turned his head and smiled at Draco. Draco just ignored it, he wasn’t quite sure what was going on with Potter. At least he didn’t need Draco to bandage him up again, with bloody knuckles. Draco glanced at the other boy's hands. They were almost entirely healed, safe for the scar tissue covering the knuckles. When Draco had helped Potter out it surely hadn’t been the first time he punched something much stronger than his fists could handle.

When Draco looked back up at Potter he found himself staring into deep green eyes that had apparently been fixed on him. Draco shifted slightly under those eyes. Despite their intensity they seemed as if shadowed over. Potter was not smiling anymore.

Draco frowned. “Are you sure you’re okay?”
Potter looked at him through thick lashes. “You can’t tell anyone, k?”, he whispered conspiratorially.
Draco’s curiosity got the better of him. He nodded.
Potter proceeded to reveal a small flask that he had been hiding in his pocket, he grinned stupidly.
“You’re drunk.”, Draco said dryly.
Potter shushed him. “You can’t say it!”, he said and looked panicked all of a sudden.
Draco looked at him inquisitively. “We are not allowed to drink at Hogwarts”
Potter rolled his eyes and gave him a look. “Duuuh! Obviously nooot”, he drawled.
“What’s the occasion?” Draco asked.
Potter gave him a look that he couldn’t quite decipher. Then he shrugged.
“Don’t know… just needed a drink, ya know?”

Draco eyed him suspiciously. He knew that drinking was not permitted at Hogwarts, nor was smoking of any kind. He narrowed his eyes, the boy must have something pretty strong in that flask. Draco felt out of his depth here, he didn’t know much about Harry Potter. Someone else would have been a far better candidate to deal with whatever crisis the other boy was dealing with right now. Maybe Granger or one of the red-heads that Potter always hung about with…

Potter ripped him from his thoughts by dangling the flask in front of him. “You want a sip?”
Draco shook his head vehemently. “I can’t” He never really had a drink before, and since this was some sort of mystery liquid he surely wasn’t going to try tonight. Who knows how much damage one sip would do. Can’t risk it. The little voice in his head snarled.
Potter looked at him eyes wide. “Oh. Right, you don’t really uhhm… do that?” Draco furrowed his brows at that. He didn’t like when people hinted at these things.

Potter just shrugged and raised the flask back to his lips. “More for meee” He drawled.
Draco scrunched his nose. “Haven’t you had enough?”
Suddenly Potter snapped his head towards him, anger clouding his eyes. Draco hadn’t expected such intensity.
Potter’s voice was low. “I got it under control.” He murmured.
“What?”, Draco responded, dumbfounded by the sudden shift.
“Listen, Malfoy, I don’t know what you think you’re doing here but I - I have this under control. Is not like a - a whatever. I am not like I was before, is just one drink. Just… only today. Don’ need you to get feathers ruffled ‘bout it.”

Draco stared at Potter for a moment still baffled, then it dawned on him. “Oh shit…”, he said under his breath. This was bad.

Draco hadn’t given much thought to why Potter was at Hogwarts, or anyone else for that matter. He had been quite preoccupied with his own predicament. But now Potter’s predicament was staring right at him, and Draco once again became aware that he most definitely was not the right person to have run into him and found out.

“This is a relapse, isn’t it, Potter?”
Potter’s eyes were still fixed on him, still angry. “I jus’ told you, is’ nothing. Is’ just one bloody drink, Malfoy.”
“Where did you even get it from?”
“None of your business.”
“Right. Well… Potter I think you-”
“You’re not gonna tell on me.”, Potter interrupted. Green eyes staring intensely.

Draco licked his lips. Dry skin between his teeth. He didn’t know what to do here. Take Potter back to the castle - but how? And then what? He looked back at the other boy, he sighed.

“I won’t.” He said. “You helped me out before. I won’t tell on you… but you really shouldn’t be doing this again.”
Potter scoffed. “An’ you should start eating…”, he muttered under his breath.
Draco opened his mouth to retaliate but Potter was faster.
“Is’ crazy to me. Watching you sit at breakfast an’ lunch an’ dinner. An’ you’re just pushing your food around. I don’ get it… You deserve to eat. You’re allowed to.”

Draco closed his mouth. Potter was moving into dangerous territory with this conversation. Draco knew he was drunk and he wouldn’t say any of this if he’d been sober. Draco hated it. He couldn’t bear the thought of someone watching him at his meals, he couldn’t bear the empty phrases Potter was throwing at him. But. He reminded himself, Potter was drunk. Potter didn’t even know what he was saying.

“Sorry…”, Potter mumbled. “Don’ mean to… make you uncomfortable.”
Draco hadn’t realized that he had backed away from the other boy. He shook his head. Potter was drunk, he reminded himself again.

—

Draco had managed to convince Potter to return to the castle. It was well past the curfew now, so they had to tread lightly. Which, as Draco had anticipated, was quite difficult with Potter being in the state he was in.

Draco tried supporting the other boy as much as he could, catching him from tumbling over or falling up the stairs. It was quite difficult. The vertigo that Draco himself was dealing with was threatening to push back in. His vision darkened at the edges.

“Fuck.”, he breathed, after they had climbed a staircase. He steadied himself against the wall. Potter being oblivious to all this was staggering for the next staircase. Draco needed a moment.
“Potter.”, he called out, with his voice low, in order to not disturb anyone who may be patrolling around.
Potter turned to face him, almost lost his balance, caught himself and giggled.
Draco almost smacked his palm to his forehead. Drunk people were decidedly not for him.
Then Potter’s face dropped. “You alright?”
It was almost funny, how sincerely worried Potter looked.
Draco nodded, carefully standing himself back up on his feet. “Just needed a sec.”

They finally made it to Potters common room. As they entered, Draco had expected a copy paste from his own common room, but instead he was greeted by red couches and sofas, armchairs. The stone was glowing in the warm light emerging from the fireplaces. This common room was almost more comfy than his own.

To Draco’s surprise, Potter and him weren’t the only ones up at this hour.
As soon as they entered a head of curls jumped up from one of the armchairs.

Granger looked at the duo incredulously for a moment. “Ron! It’s Harry”, she finally said, shaking the figure that had sat on the couch.

With a yawn and a stretch a tall, scrawny boy with red hair emerged from the sofa. “Great…”, he groaned, wiping his eyes. “Can we go to bed now?”

Granger smacked him lightly over the head. “Your best friend was nowhere to be found and all you do is wanna sleep?” Potter let himself fall down in one of the armchairs. “I wanna sleep.”, he mumbled and burrowed himself into a pillow.

Then Hermione fixed her eyes on Draco. She had made a point not to acknowledge him until this moment.

“Why are you here?”, she said.
Draco furrowed his brows and snarled. “Trust me, I’d rather not be. But… your best friend here had a rough night and somehow managed to make it my problem.”
Her eyes flashed back to Potter. She took him in, then realizing what was going on, she locked eyes with Ron, who suddenly seemed far more awake.
Ron looked back at Draco, he narrowed his eyes.

“Is this your fault?”, he said ice-cold. “I know you’re trouble, posh boy.”
Draco crossed his arms and pushed his chin forward. “I have no idea what you mean, but if you’re talking about the state that he is in, then no. I just found him like that.”

Harry shifted on the couch. All three of them looked at him. “I think I am gonna be sick," he murmured.
“Oh great.”, Draco said dryly. There were a million other places he’d much rather be at. Ron moved toward Potter and lifted him up on his feet.
“Alright, buddy, keep it together.”, he said quietly. He shot a glance back at Granger, who sighed and nodded.
“I’ll make sure he gets what he needs.”, Ron said and led Potter out of the room.

Granger sank back into her armchair. She shook her head slowly, staring into the fire.
Draco, unsure of what to do, whether to leave or stay, just stood awkwardly. Right as he decided to leave, Granger spoke up.

“Thank you.”, she said.
Draco cleared his throat. “Sure.”, he said.
“What happened?” Granger asked. Then taking a look at Draco, who was fighting off another wave of vertigo, she added. “You can sit.”
He chose a couch across from her and let himself settle into the cushions. He was relieved to have something to prop him up. He felt a wave of exhaustion roll over him, his head felt heavy.

“Are you okay?” Granger's voice pushed through the fog.
Draco focused his eyes on her and nodded. “Just… a bit dizzy.”
Granger bit her lip. “Do you… do you need anything?” Then hesitantly. “There are apples… if you need a bite.”
Draco took a deep breath and gave her a tired smile. He didn’t have enough energy to snark at her. “Thanks I appreciate the offer, but I will be alright.”
Granger nodded, her eyes hanging on him.

“You’re nicer than I thought you were after our… first meeting.”, she finally said.
Draco raised an eyebrow. “What makes you say that?”
“Well… for one you helped out my best friend… made sure he got here safe and that… that’s not something you had to do. So that was pretty nice.”
Draco shrugged. “Really I was more or less just paying back a debt. Don’t get used to it”
Hermione laughed lightly. “Right. Well, thank you regardless.”

They sat in silence for a moment. It wasn’t uncomfortable.

Then Draco said, “Does that happen a lot?”
Hermione looked at him. “Harry?” she asked. She shook her head. “No. He… he has been doing really well actually. I don’t know what changed… or maybe we just didn’t notice.”

She sighed. Draco was fascinated by the care she had for Potter. There was nothing forcing her to care that much but she did. She must really love him, he thought. The idea made something inside him ache. Or maybe it was just the hunger ripping at his insides.

“Are you gonna tell anyone?” Draco asked slowly.
Hermione stared into the fire again, then shook her head. “I know we should. I know that. But… I don't want to break his trust. We will talk to him. If it happens again, though… we may not have a choice.”
Draco nodded solemnly. He was surprised at Granger. She had been such a stifler for the rules as far as Draco had been able to tell.

Granger sighed heavily. “When Harry first got here he was… terrible.” She said, unprompted. Draco nodded again, not sure what she expected him to say.

“He was angry all the time. He used to punch the bed frames more often than not… It took him a while to open up but then he got… better. He still gets angry sometimes but not like he used to…” Tears gleamed in her eyes, Draco saw them despite her downcast glance.

He wasn’t sure why she told him about this. He found himself once again in a situation where someone poured their heart out to him for whatever reason. This castle seemed to seep with sob stories and for some reason they attached themselves to him, of all people.

“I just don’t understand what changed… or what triggered this.” Her voice shook. Then with suddenness her eyes fixed themselves on Draco. “You didn’t give it to him, right? He didn’t get it from you?” There was something dangerous in her voice.

Draco now realized that Hermione Granger was, despite her rigid need to conform to the rules, someone who wouldn’t think for a moment if her friends were in turmoil. Always the logical mind but loyal too, unwavering.

Draco shook his head. “Like I said, I found him like that.” Granger narrowed her eyes, trying to decide whether or not to trust him. He almost scoffed at that. He didn’t need her trust, but then her eyes softened and she nodded.

“That’s right. I am sorry for accusing you. Harry is just… Well, he is very important to me.” Draco looked at her curiously.
“Are the two of you…?” The question had slipped out, motivated by a strange murmur in the back of his head.
She looked at him confused, then her face opened and she laughed. “You’re asking if Harry and I are going out?”, she shook her head, still laughing slightly. “No. He is like… my brother.”
“Oh. I am sorry," Draco said. The murmur in the back of his head quieted.
Then, another slip of the tongue. “Why are you here?” Draco asked before he could stop himself.

He had mulled the question over in his head a few times tonight, but wasn’t sure if it’d be appropriate to ask someone that. What they were in for. With the kids from his own unit it was easy to tell - food issues. He cringed at the thought. He hated being grouped in by that, being put into a particular box because of that. But he did wonder… what was the rest of the castle struggling with.

Granger was chewing on a strand of her hair while she was taking him in. Finally, she spoke. “I struggle with… my own ambitions?” She offered. Draco furrowed his brows, this wasn’t telling him much. She sighed and sat up straighter. “I have always wanted to be the best. In my classes, in school, in life? I did as much as I could at all times but eventually it got too much for me to handle…” She trailed off.

Draco could relate to that, he thought. He had always been trying to get everything just right, be the perfect son, the perfect heir, the perfect everything. He was. He was all that, until he fell. Until that day - months ago now - when he fell and suddenly he wasn’t perfect in anyone’s eyes anymore. He bit his lip, the thought gave him an uncomfortable flare in his chest, it made him want to run. Go to the bathroom, ridicule himself, pick apart every single imperfection and correct it, by any means necessary. But Granger was still lingering on her words, there was something she hadn’t said yet, he forced himself to refocus on her.

“Eventually I started taking these pills to help me stay awake, so I didn’t have to stop to sleep, so I could keep working, so I didn’t fall behind.” Her eyes darkened at the memories. “But after a while just a few weren’t enough and eventually I - I overdid it.” She looked at Draco searching for a reaction, shock maybe. But he was still, just looking back at her.

He saw her clearly now. They were the same. Far more similar than he’d like them to be. Different methods, and still the same end. Still they both ended up here. Still they both overdid it and ended up here.

Chapter 7

Summary:

"For a short second their lips connected, the softness of the kiss surprised Draco just as much as the contact itself."

Notes:

Sorry for the wait on this one - life is quite busy and hectic at the moment! Not sure when the next one will come out but trust it will come!

TW: eating disorders, throwing up, internalized homophobia, intense mental anguish, self harm

Draco had a hard time falling asleep that night. He didn’t sleep well most nights but this one was particularly brutal. He was tossing and turning and eventually sat up with an exasperated groan. He was freezing; could barely feel his toes. He glanced over at Blaise’s bed, he was a shadow wrapped in blankets, breathing evenly. Draco wondered for a moment if Blaise had ever struggled with sleeping like this.

 

Eventually, he got up. He squinted at his watch trying to make out the time in the dark - somewhere in the third hour of the morning. He sighed. Another glance at Blaise. Finally, Draco left the room quietly tapping back into the empty common room. Not copy-paste to the red tinted one many floors above him but like a shadow, its green slightly colder sibling. Draco sat down on the window sill, the windows here were almost even with the ground outside since the common room was basically in the basement. He looked around making sure he didn’t overlook any other insomniacs who may have been around at this late (or early) hour. Then once he was sure of his solitude he pulled out his cigarettes, cracked the window slightly and lit one. 

 

Smoking had become second-nature, he knew it was a bad habit. One that his father would sneer at and his mother frowned at. The memory of his aunt and mother on the balcony attempted to force itself into his mind, but he pushed it away. His parents didn’t need to know about this. They weren’t here. In fact, sometimes Draco felt that they must have forgotten about him altogether. Despite their promises at the beginning of his stay to get him out as soon as possible, they had never shown up. Not as much as a letter, not a single word. The thought made Draco shiver. He pulled his jumper tighter around himself. It was far too big on him, the fabric hanging loosely off his bony shoulders, the sleeves dangling around his wrists. He was cold. All. The. Time. Despite his body's desperate attempts to keep him warm - despite the fuzzy, thick hair that had started sprouting all over - he could not shake the coldness.

 

Draco longed for the sun on his skin, he wondered whether he’d see it rise or whether he’d find some sleep before then. As he quietly blew smoke through the window he felt his body relax, his eyes grew heavier. He wished for sun on his skin and sleep. He imagined himself at a picnic, a blanket on the ground, strawberries, pastries, maybe a piece of pie laid out in front of him, and the warmth of the sun on his pale body. Someone stroked his hair in this vision. He laid back in their lap, when he looked up he could not see their face - the sun blinding him. But that was okay, because he felt safe, he felt soft and warm and not hungry. In this dream he didn’t just look at the food, he felt the stickiness between his fingers, smelt the sweetness of the fruit and savoured every bite like it was the first meal he had ever had. All the while being held by this person whose face he could only guess at, a silhouette of curly hair against the sun, but no details. 

“Draco”, a soft and gentle voice. Soft and gentle fingers in his hair. 

 

“Draco.”, the voice grew more forceful. “Hey! Draco!” Draco’s eyes snapped open. He needed a moment to reorient himself. He looked out the window - dawn, the sky losing its darkness slowly, an even gradient towards the horizon. A hand on his shoulder, brought him back to reality. 

“Are you alright?” Blaise asked, with a concerned look on his face. Draco nodded, wiping a hand over his eyes, he felt wetness. Had he been crying? “Must have fallen asleep”, he murmured. “Yeah, and almost set fire to the damn castle.”, Blaise retorted pointing at a half burned cigarette on the rug - it had burned a small hole in it. “Oh shit. I am sorry”, Draco responded. He didn’t remember falling asleep, but the gentleness of his dream still lingered, he could almost taste the strawberries on his tongue. He could almost taste them. A wave of nausea rushed over him. He bit the inside of his cheek to calm himself - just a dream he had to remind himself. 

 

Blaise was eyeing him carefully. “I was worried, when you weren’t in the room when I woke up.”, he said. Draco glanced at him apologetically. “Couldn’t sleep”, he said, “Had a… strange night.” The memory of a very drunk Harry Potter rushed back into his mind, he had almost forgotten about that. It had indeed been a very long and strange night. 

Blaise narrowed his eyes. “You okay, though?” Draco nodded, not wanting to talk about it.

“Why are you up so early?”, he asked, changing the topic. Blaise gave him a strange look, as if Draco had addressed something he wasn’t supposed to. “Uhm…”, Blaise stammered. “I like to go on runs in the morning… before everyone wakes up.” “Oh.”, Draco said. He wasn’t sure why Blaise was acting strangely all of a sudden. 

“I… uhm… can skip it this morning though, if you want to hang out instead?” Blaise asked kindly. 

Draco shrugged. “Sure.”

 

Blaise hopped up onto the windowsill sitting across from Draco, pulled out his own pack of cigarettes and offered one to him. With a mischievous twinkle in the eye, Blaise said. “No one will be up for at least another hour” Draco smiled and accepted the offering. 

 

The two boys silently watched the sun rise, feeling the light morning breeze through the cracked window. Draco’s mind was spiralling around the previous night, his conversation with Granger, Potter, and his dream. The mysterious silhouette who held him - the image kept coming back into his brain as if it was burned into it. He was so lost in his own thoughts that he didn’t notice Blaise staring until the other boy spoke quietly. “Draco.”, he said, an echo of Draco’s dream. Draco looked at Blaise. A strange glimmer was in the other boy's eyes. Draco couldn’t tell what it meant but he didn’t look away. Blaise took a drag of his cigarette and blew the smoke out of the corner of his mouth, not taking his eyes off Draco. “Draco.”, he repeated, searching for something in his eyes. 

 

Then suddenly Blaise leaned in before Draco could react. For a short second their lips connected, the softness of the kiss surprised Draco just as much as the contact itself. He violently pulled away, hitting his head against the stone wall. He stared at Blaise bewildered, wide-eyed. “What did you just-”, he breathed. Blaise mirrored his shocked expression. The sun was now high enough to shine through the window, bathing them both in warm, orange light. Blaise was a silhouette against the sun - the image of Draco’s dream flashed before his eyes. Was he still dreaming? Then Blaise jumped into action. 

 

“I am sorry!”, he said sharply, sliding off the windowsill. “I shouldn’t have- I mean… sorry. It was just - It doesn’t matter.” He shook his head and headed towards the common room door. “I- I gotta go.” Disappearing into the hallway, leaving Draco alone. Thoughts racing. Heart pounding. Stomach tightening. Draco felt as if he was about to throw up. 

 

What just happened. What the fuck did just happen. His head screamed. Nasty. Nasty, ungrateful little brat. No wonder your parents don’t give a shit. No wonder they locked you up in here. Disgusting boy. Look at yourself. Disgusting. Disgusting. Disgusting. 

 

“Not my fault.”, Draco whispered against the cruel voice in his head. “That wasn’t my fault. I didn’t do anything.” You’re wrong. You’re broken, you’re broken. You must have done something to make him think this was okay. You must have wanted it.

“No. No. I didn’t! I am not- That’s not-”, Draco breathed heavy and hard, fighting against his own mind. He knew all about people like that, he had heard it from his fathers mouth. Monsters. Delinquents. Something wrong and twisted. Just. Like. You. 

He felt light headed, trying hard to calm his breathing. He hammered his hands against his chest, leaned back against the cold stone, the hardness of the stone gave him stability so did the pain from hitting his head against it seconds earlier. The pain helped. He hit his head against the wall. And again. And again. Again. Again. Finally he slowed and stopped. Nausea was overwhelming him. What is wrong with you his mind hissed at him. 

 

As if sleepwalking he staggered towards his room. His own bed across from Blaise’s. Blaise. He bit his lip hard, he felt the metal taste of blood in his mouth. It made him gag. He stumbled towards their bathroom and slumped down in front of the toilet. The image of strawberries and pastries and pie rushed into his mind. Just a dream . In his head the image of Blaise in front of the sun mixed with the silhouette from his dream. A shudder ripped through Draco’s body. He was so terribly, awfully nauseous. He didn’t know why. It didn’t make sense. His body was revolting against the nothingness that filled him. The coldness soaked his entire being. He gagged again. A phantom smell of strawberries in the air. 

And then he shoved his fingers down his throat. 

 

There was nothing that could come up, nothing but spit and acid, he retched. The exertion making his eyes tear up. His own voice from weeks ago echoing in his head: “ I am not one of those fucked up kids who throw up after they eat. ” Well, he thought as he dropped backwards against the floor, I am not. I haven’t eaten at all. 

 

—

 

Draco lay on the bathroom floor for who knows how long. Fighting black spots that flew into his vision and dimmed the corners of his eyes. There were tears again, this time he felt them. He breathed. Deep, even breath. He focused on that and the hard, cold floor beneath him, and the pain at the back of his head, and the strain in his throat from retching. After a long while he managed to sit up and slowly got to his feet. He made his way over to the sink. He stared at himself in the mirror - eyes red-rimmed from tears, cheeks flushed slightly, lips dry and chapped and still bleeding - he looked like a ghost. He didn’t recognize himself. He was fascinated by his own image like others may have been fascinated by the ocean. He viewed himself with amazement and in equal amounts with fear. If he had stood at a beach he would have felt the same - amazed by the endlessness of the water while fearing nothing more than its depth. He was afraid he had already dipped his toes in and was swept up in waves taller than Hogwarts and mightier than his sense of self-control. He was not sure if he’d ever see land again. 

 

His movements were automatic, he splashed his face with water, letting the coldness run over his numb fingertips, letting it drip from his lashes. The water mixed with tears, drowning out the thoughts. He watched it all disappear down the drain, as if none of the past night had ever happened. A tentative knock returned him to the world at large. 

 

He turned to unlock the door and found himself face to face with Pansy Parkinson. The girl stared at him with wide eyes, but a pleasant quiet smile lingered on her face. 

“There you are!”, she said in a cheerful tone, Draco assumed he looked a mess and she was trying to be friendly.

“You’ve been looking for me?”, he asked, trying to sound calm.

“Well… you missed breakfast… so Snape sent me to check up on you…”, her face remained unchanged but her voice was shaded in dark foreboding.

Draco furrowed his brows. “I- what?” Fuck. Fuck. Draco painfully remembered Blaise’s words on his first day - if you’re late for a meal you’re in trouble. No doubt missing a meal was even more harshly frowned upon. “What time is it?”, he asked Pansy.

Pansy narrowed her eyes. “Are you alright, Draco?”

 

Draco huffed. Why in the hell did everyone keep asking him that. “Do I fucking look alright?”, he blurted out. Pansy’s face changed from shock to sadness to regret. “I- I am sorry. I didn’t mean to- I missed you at breakfast.” Draco bit his lip. Dammit, he didn’t want to have to deal with yet another person’s feelings . “No. No you’re fine. Had a tough night. I am fine. You can go tell Snape I am fine.” Pansy sighed. “Well… about that actually… since you weren’t at breakfast you have to go report to one of the professors and they will determine… your situation.” Draco raised his chin. “Great," he said.

 

He stepped past Pansy to head towards the door, but she grabbed his arm and held him back. He glared at her. Ignoring his anger she said. “Listen, Draco. I really care for you. Don’t let them walk all over you. You have a say in what happens to you.” She stared directly into his eyes as if trying to drill into them. He narrowed his eyes. He wasn’t sure what she meant by that, but didn’t feel like the encouragement that Blaise would have offered. He was grateful for that. He wanted nothing to do with Blaise right now, let alone think of his voice in his head. So he just nodded at Pansy. She beamed at him brightly, then she leaned forward and placed a small kiss on his cheek. She had to get up on her tiptoes to reach him. His breath caught in his throat for a second. He took a small step away from her and looked down at her. 

She blushed. “Sorry. I just had to. Good luck.” With those words she left the room, Draco staring after her. Why did these people keep trying to kiss him?

Chapter 8: Colliding with

Summary:

“Students?” Draco spat the word. “Please. I know exactly what we all are. We are not students… we are just a bunch of kids locked up in a big castle because we are fucked up in the head and noone wants to deal with us in the real world.”
Dumbledore’s expression seemed genuinely troubled. “Is that how you view yourself, Draco?” he asked.

Notes:

I am back from the dead bringing you a new chapter. This one is kind of easing us back into the story and I apologize for my long long absence! Please enjoy and I intend to keep writing more for this fic.

CW for discussion of eating disorders, some self harm and general mental anguish

Draco’s mind was a blur. Too many things were happening at once. Blaise, Potter, Pansy and now… Breakfast. 

He had seen the consequences of refusing to eat but what would await him when he hadn’t even shown up?

 

He retreated back into the bathroom. Glaring at the boy in the mirror, his throat was still raw and he could taste the gall on his tongue. He took a deep breath and splashed his face with water once again. “You have a say in what happens to you” That’s what Pansy had said. He wasn’t entirely sure what she meant by that.

 

Finally he decided to face whatever was awaiting him.

 

—

 

Draco had determined that the best course of action was to approach McGonagall about his absence that morning. Snape was the one who oversaw their meal times but the man was cruel. The thought that Snape may actually enjoy watching the kids at the table struggle had crossed his mind more than once in the weeks since he had arrived. McGonagall, while strict, was a more caring figure. She always looked upon Draco with soft eyes. Which usually made his skin crawl. He rejected that sort of attitude, to be made to feel as if he was something that needed to be taken care of. However, he was also smart enough to play his cards right. McGonagall was much more likely to hear him out, even if she may have looked at him as a pitiful little creature. 

 

With this in mind Draco made a beeline for the common room door, there was no point in trying to further delay the confrontation. The second the door gave way to the hallway behind, he realized that his meticulous planning would be in vain. 

Both, McGonagall and Snape, were awaiting him on the other side with serious expressions on their faces. 

 

 Draco's heart sank. He wasn’t sure if the dark edges of his vision were a result of the lack of energy in his body or of the shock of facing the professors. 

 

“Professors!” He said as brightly as he could muster. “I was just on my way to look for you.”

“So you were, Mr. Malfoy. Well, you have found us.” McGonagall was putting up a friendly demeanor but he could tell she was worried. “Care to explain how you’ve spent your morning? Since you didn’t bother to join us for breakfast.”, Snape snarled. Draco could swear there was an ugly little smile tucking on Snape's mouth. 

“Right. Yes. I apologise for that. Please trust that I didn’t mean to skip breakfast. I… understand that that is against the rules.” Draco was opting for the most agreeable path of action. Maybe if he showed remorse they would understand that this had been a big mistake and not purposeful disobedience. 

Both of the professors were eyeing him intently urging him to keep speaking.

“I honestly just… overslept. I had a hard time falling asleep last night and… when I finally did I suppose I truly needed the rest…”

“Well then, Mr. Malfoy. May that as it be, I am sure you understand our concern in this matter, yes?” McGonagall spoke coolly. She didn’t buy it. The one time Draco wanted her sympathies and pity she was reluctant to give it. He sighed and nodded. “I do. I really do. It won’t happen again, I promise.”

“We have to make sure you are safe. While I am inclined to believe you, we will have to make a decision on how to proceed with your treatment from here on out.” Draco pinned his eyes to the floor. 

“Mr Malfoy. You have not made any progress since you have arrived here. Professor Snape has reported that you are still not participating in most meal times and with this particular rule violation today we simply can not turn a blind eye.”

There was a prick in Draco's eyes. He blinked it away and lifted his head. There was no point in trying to be approachable now. He felt he had already lost. 

“So what are you going to do about it?”, he said coldly. If his sharp shift in attitude surprised either of the professors they didn’t let it on. 

“Your case is particularly difficult it seems… So the headmaster is interested in speaking with you to determine your further attendance at this institution.” Snape snarled with cold dark eyes staring Draco down. 

“The Headmaster?” Draco hadn’t even considered that this may be an option. 

 

—

 

He followed the two professors towards the Great Hall. He half-expected them to take him inside, but instead they turned and walked up the stairs. Draco focused on steadying his steps. He didn’t want to concern anyone any further, and blacking out on the stairs probably wouldn’t help his “case” as Snape had called it. 

 

On their way they passed the classroom that Draco was supposed to be in at this time. It looked as though the other kids were settling in for the first lesson of the day. He caught a glimpse of Potter through the door. Their eyes locked. Potter looked terrible. Draco imagined the other boy must have been coming off of one hell of a hangover. When Potter saw him his eyes widened, then they flicked to McGonagall and Snape who were still bristly walking ahead of Draco. Draco looked away following the two professors further into the castle. 

 

He couldn’t worry about Potter. Besides, the boy had plenty of friends who could be his caretakers. Draco needed to focus on himself. He hadn’t met the Headmaster of Hogwarts yet and had no idea what to expect. It didn’t help that his vision kept drifting in and out of focus. His hands clenched to fists instinctively. He dug his nails into the soft flesh of his palm. It helped him keep a clear mind.  How far away could this damn office be?

 

Eventually McGonagall and Snape stopped in front of a particularly beautiful staircase. Draco couldn’t recall whether he had been to this part of the castle before. He had a hard time remembering even the way they had come to get here. 

 

“Mr. Malfoy, are you alright?” McGonagall's voice pulled him back into reality. His eyes hung on her for a moment until the words started to make sense. “Oh! Yes. Just tired still. My apologies.” He could have kicked himself. This was exactly the kind of thing he was trying to avoid. He couldn’t have them worry about the state he was in if he wanted this to be as easy as possible.

“After you.” Snape urged him up the stairs relentlessly while McGonagall's inquisitive eyes burned themselves into the back of Draco's head. He began climbing the stairs and reached a lone door at the top of the short staircase. His heart was beating rapidly and he bit his lips. 

 

Professor Dumbledore. The name was floating around in his brain. Even before he had been sent to Hogwarts, Dumbledore had been a name that had been scornfully spoken at Malfoy Manor. The headmaster was an influential figure after all. Ties to politics. Just like the Malfoys and yet on the opposing side. Draco’s father had often proclaimed his dislike for the other man and on occasion ranted about him at dinner parties at which he had indulged in the booze a little too much. Dumbledore had been one of the main reasons why Draco’s parents were so ashamed to have to send him to Hogwarts. The optics of having their son being forced out of their care and directly transferred into that of a ‘charlatan’ (as Lucius Malfoy had referred to him) weren’t great. 

 

Draco raised his hand and knocked on the Headmasters office door. 

 

“Come on in!” called a friendly sounding voice from the other side. McGonagall swiftly ushered Draco inside. The room itself was quite something to take in. There were portraits on the walls as well as a ton of clutter. Some of it looked like it was nothing but knickknacks and random items while others seemed to be rather complex pieces of art and science. Draco only took a single step into the room, when he was lifted into a cloud of sweetly scented candy. The headmaster's office smelt like a candystore. Draco’s stomach protested at the intense sensation and he had to fight the urge to gag. It wasn’t that the smell was unpleasant, just the sheer unexpectedness of it paired with Draco's exhausted and starving body almost overwhelmed him.

 

“Please take a seat.” the voice from before offered warmly. Draco lifted his gaze and met that of the man who was sitting behind a beautifully crafted wooden desk. Dumbledore was older than Draco had expected. He had pictured the man to be his fathers age but instead he found himself looking at a wrinkled face that clearly had spent a lot of time being joyful. Draco approached the desk reluctantly and sank into one of the armchairs that were across from the Headmaster. His body was overcome with a wave of relief as soon as it got the chance to rest. Draco's bones were aching and the soft armchair was a welcome comfort. 

 

McGonagall approached the desk as well. “This is Mr. Malfoy as I am sure you are aware, Headmaster.”, she explained formally. 

“Thank you for taking the time to meet with me, Draco” The headmaster said without lifting his gaze from Draco. Draco wasn’t sure what he expected him to say so he just nodded, shifting under Dumbledore's eyes. “Professor Snape has informed me that you have been adjusting rather slowly to Hogwarts?”

“Mr Malfoy has rarely participated in any meals or therapy sessions.”, Snape chimed in.

“Thank you, Severus”, Dumbledore said with a genuine smile and nodded towards the professor. “But I think I would like to speak with Mr. Malfoy in private for a moment.” 

“Headmaster are you sure you wouldn’t like us to stay to give our input on Mr. Malfoys care?”, McGonagall interrupted. Her voice carried a tone of surprise that Draco hadn’t heard before. He didn’t expect anything really surprised McGonagall. This must have been different from what was originally planned for him.

“Yes, Minerva. Don’t worry I will return your charge back into your care as soon as we had the chance to chat a little bit.” 

McGonagall nodded and in another unexpected gesture she put her hand on Draco's shoulder and squeezed it reassuringly. Then Snape and her were gone.

 

In the silence that came over the room Draco could hear several different clocks ticking. The sound was hammering into his brain.

Dumbledore reached for a small jar that was sitting on his desk and set it in front of Draco. Draco barely acknowledged it, which didn’t seem to bother the Headmaster who grabbed one of the small items out of the jar. It was a small wrapped hard candy. The headmaster began to unwrap it with no urgency whatsoever. To Draco this seemed to be an odd choice of activity considering what they were here to discuss.

The headmaster plopped the candy in his mouth and eyed Draco for another moment, the soft smile never leaving his face.

 

“I was hoping you could help me understand a bit more of what you are dealing with at the moment, Draco.” Dumbledore finally broke the silence. 

Draco looked up at him, determined not to appear weak or scared.

“You say that as if you don’t already know… after all Professor Snape reported to you, hasn’t he?”

Dumbledore chuckled quietly. “That much is true, yes. And yet. There is something so particular about hearing from a person directly… rather than outside views.”

Draco's eyes narrowed. Dumbledore was friendly, almost too approachable. He was giving Draco the feeling that he really cared to hear from him. Draco couldn’t stand it. His neck felt hot and his fingers were twitching underneath the desk. 

 

He didn’t speak.

 

A few uncomfortably long seconds passed before Dumbledore spoke again. 

“I am aware of your families… disapproval of me. But I urge you to understand this Draco: Regardless of how your family's views and mine differ at this moment, none of that is relevant. I am here to help you and support you through your time at Hogwarts. Which… I know your parents are desperately trying to shorten.”

This caught Draco’s attention. “Have you spoken to them? My parents?”

Dumbledore shook his head. “Not for a few weeks I am afraid. The last time I met with them they made it clear that moving forward they would not entertain conversation about your health and care any more. However, I am pleased to inform you that I could convince them to let you stay here as long as you chose to do so.”

“What? Why didn’t they tell me that? Why didn’t you tell me? Or… or anyone?” Draco felt something shatter inside him. 

 

This whole time he had been the one in control. He had been the one who could have chosen to leave this place and return to his home, to his routine, to his habits. His eyes began to burn. Why hadn’t his parents sent him any communication on the matter? No letter saying, Draco you’re free to come home at any time. Nothing that welcomed him back into their lives. Into his own life. 

He must have been too much of a disappointment. Perhaps they had realized that him out of the way, out of sight, was easier to deal with. Perhaps they simply did not care to take him back. His weakness had turned them from him and it was all his fault. He had tried to do all that was expected of him and yet he didn’t succeed. He had not risen to the occasion, to his duties as the Malfoy heir.

 

Dumbledore spoke softly and gently. “I am sorry that this was not communicated to you, Draco. However, I do believe your remaining here for the past weeks was the best option. I understand that this may feel like a sort of betrayal to you but I want to further urge you to stay here. I truly see a bright future for you. Not just here at Hogwarts, although we will do our best to make that so, but also in your life ahead and outside of these walls.”

“Why would I want to stay here?” Draco asked defiantly. “There is nothing here for me.”

“That is where I believe you are wrong, Draco.” The headmaster smiled. “We have much to offer to young bright students like yourself.”

“Students?” Draco spat the word. “Please. I know exactly what we all are. We are not students… we are just a bunch of kids locked up in a big castle because we are fucked up in the head and noone wants to deal with us in the real world.”

Dumbledore’s expression seemed genuinely troubled. “Is that how you view yourself, Draco?” he asked. 

 

Draco stared at him. His chest burnt with a sort of hatred he hadn’t thought himself capable of in his weak state. The headmaster was twisting his words, making him into something he wasn’t. Making him sound weak. But then again… weakness had brought him here in the first place so perhaps the headmaster was right to address him in such a way.

You’re weak. Pathetic. The all too familiar voice in his head was stirring. You pretend to be so in control… and yet… look at you. Weak and weak-willed. You can do better than that. Prove it. 

 

“I am nothing like those kids.”, Draco said coldly. “I am better than all of them. And you know as well as I do that my being here is one big mistake, sir.”

Dumbledore furrowed his brows. “I don’t believe that to be true at all, Draco. And I do not think you do either. From what I understand you have become quite close with a couple of other students from your station?”

Draco pressed his lips together hard. The dry flaky skin was painfully raw and sharp. 

“Blaise Zabini and Pansy Parkinson in particular, correct?” 

 

Blaise. The mention of his name startled Draco. He had almost forgotten about their interaction earlier that morning. It felt like it was part of a dream now. But the pain at the back of Draco’s head assured him that it hadn’t been. 

 

“Is that relevant?”, he asked, desperate to skip over the topic.

Dumbledore gave him another one of his all-knowing smiles. “Companionship is the one thing that will always be relevant, Draco. Our friends are the ones who will lift us up and help us through even the darkest turmoil.”

 

“I don’t have friends.” Draco said sternly. “I don’t care to have any.”

 

Dumbledore sighed. “I understand you do not want to talk about this.”

 

“Finally. We are on the same page, sir” Draco felt this to be a win. “Besides, I was under the impression we were here to discuss my ‘care’”

Dumbledore looked at him wistfully but then began to speak.

“You are right, Draco. That is what we are here for in essence. I want to be honest with you. Your lack of effort in your recovery process is concerning to me and while we offer you everything we can here at Hogwarts nothing can be done unless you choose that you want to get better.”

 

Draco felt a knot in his stomach. He still had trouble admitting that he even had a problem, after all that was the exact opposite of what his parents had instilled in him. And all this had been to please them. Up until he had been sent here, he hadn’t faced that anything about his behavior may be amiss. And even now that everyone around him was talking about recovery and getting better, he was still trying to figure out what it was exactly that he had to get better from. Now, he had options. He could stay and figure it out or he could leave and forget about this place altogether. He wasn’t sure yet which path he was supposed to follow, which one his parents approved of and which one he needed to go down.

 

“I am really unsure what exactly it is that everyone wants me to do.” He said coldly but to an extent truthfully. 

 

“Draco, you are smarter than to put up this front any further. You know the reason why you are here. And you know that only you can truly change yourself for the better. Your health has been declining for a while now. I am sure even before you arrived here the symptoms were becoming fiercely obvious.”

 

“You want me to say that I am scared of food? Of eating? Is that it? Sure. I am terrified at just the thought of chewing something. It disgusts me. There you go.”

 

Dumbledore's smile grew sad. “I am afraid this is not going to go anywhere until you are ready to face yourself, Draco. I want the best for you and so does every single person at this school. But treatment can be uncomfortable and even unpleasant. I have to make a decision on how we are going to be able to ensure that you are safe, despite how hard you are fighting against it.”

 

Draco’s eyes darkened. This was it. This was the part where he would find out what his punishment for the missed breakfast was and for Blaise and the entire previous night. 

 

“I want to try placing you on close observation from now on. At Hogwarts we tend to begin monitoring a student's weight when it becomes clear that they have not yet made the decision to commit to recovery. Which, I am afraid, is the case for you.”

 

“I am sorry. Monitoring my weight?”, Draco said incredulously.

 

Dumbledore nodded. “Besides your presence at meal times and your participation in them we will have you join weekly weigh-ins. They help us monitor your physical health and allow us to implement further treatment options should the need arise.” The man's tone had changed from his previously chatty, friendly approach to a more serious and formal disposition. Draco wasn’t sure which one he liked less. He stared blankly.

 

“And do I get a say in this?”

 

“Unfortunately, no. You will meet with Madam Pomfrey once a week along with other students who are struggling in a similar fashion to you and we will monitor your weight at said monthly meetings.”

 

Draco swallowed hard. This was far less of a punishment than he had expected but simultaneously a daunting prospect. He never had weighed himself very diligently. He was fantastic with numbers but there was a number that truly scared him. A number that couldn’t be low enough. It was one thing to calculate his food intake and an entirely different thing to see if his diligence paid off on the scale. He clasped his hands and looked up at the Headmaster.

 

“That’s it?”, he asked not letting Dumbledore see his racing thoughts.

 

Dumbledore nodded and Draco stood up immediately. He also immediately realised that he should have gone a bit slower, as his head began to spin. He steadied himself against the desk in front of him and hoped Dumbledore didn’t notice. When he looked back at the headmaster, his grey eyes were fixed on him with a look that was impossible to discern.

 

Draco made his way back across the room and right as he was about to leave the headmaster's voice called after him. “Draco. Your first meeting with Madam Pomfrey will be tomorrow morning before breakfast. I am sure Miss Parkinson will walk with you.”

Chapter 9: Waterfalls

Summary:

“This is exactly why I told you to stay away from Pansy, she is a poison apple. She makes people mean.”
“I don’t need her to make me mean. I have never been nice, Blaise.”

Notes:

I am really back in the swing of things and super excited to present to you all another chapter! Please be advised this chapter is dealing with Draco's discomfort around food a lot more detailed than previous chapters may have. So I encourage you to walk away if this is not something you can deal with right now.
Also... I had planned to get to other plotpoints within this chapter but as I was writing, these moments seemed like they wanted more space to breathe, so I let them. I hope you enjoy!
Please view my end notes for a bit of clarifications on a few other things as well!

CW: eating disorders, some self-harm, severe mental struggles around eating, internalized homophobia

The remainder of the day had gotten swept away quietly and surprisingly calmly for Draco. He had been dealing with particular persistent hunger pangs from the moment he had left Dumbledore's office and spent the majority of his classes focusing on the pain. It was a welcome sensation. To him it felt like success. The emptiness was a familiar companion. It had been 2 days since he had anything substantial to eat, save for a few bites here and there to appease Snape. Efforts that had been wasted considering that his misstep that morning had launched him straight back onto the professor's radar.

 

The headmaster's words were still in his ears. He still felt a certain rage about the old man. Draco knew how to face himself more than anyone, to deny this was ignorant. Although he was certain that his methods weren’t exactly what Dumbledore had been referring to. 

He didn’t see the point in all of the headmaster talks and fortune cookie phrases. 

Of course Draco understood that to most people his behavior seemed unnatural but to him it felt like control. He was the untouchable image of self control. Comparatively, Blaise was “improving” but the other boy was acting erratic and strange. What did it get him? He seemed to be going insane with this recovery. Perhaps that was what had driven him to kiss– 

Draco slammed his fist down hard onto his leg. He had told himself he wouldn’t allow any thoughts about that incident. Neither that nor the dream he had prior. He looked up to the head of the dinner table, making sure that Snape hadn’t noticed the slight physical violence against himself. The professor was disinterestedly checking his clipboard. Draco sighed in relief.

 

“Why’d you do that?’, whispered Pansy from beside him. She never spoke during meal times and caught Draco by surprise. 

“I don't know. Just a random twitch I guess.”, he replied in an equally low voice, trying not to sound suspicious. He had noticed a tendency in himself to push away difficult thoughts or sensations with mild attacks on his body. It gave him a sense of reality, which was desperately needed when he felt like he was walking on clouds.

Pansy luckily didn’t seem to notice his slight uneasiness at her question but he did feel her prying eyes glancing at him throughout the meal. The two hadn’t had a chance to catch up since he had returned from the headmaster and Draco could practically feel her itching to ask him about it.

 

Neither of them had touched their plate tonight. Draco enjoyed it when he was able to reject his hunger longer than her and he had a feeling that she felt the same. It was an unspoken game the two played without anyone else noticing. 

So, like many evenings they were stuck sitting at the table until they were dismissed after their mandatory bland meal replacement drinks. Draco had by now perfected the art of taking as few sips as possible, without making it obvious. 

He enjoyed the peace before the storm. He enjoyed being able to sit in silence without anyone badgering him about what had been said in the headmaster's office. He wasn’t sure if he wanted to share anything about his conversation with Dumbledore with anyone. But then again, Pansy would be able to guess at least part of what had transpired as she had been tasked with escorting him to his first “weigh-in” tomorrow. He dreaded the prospect.

 

His thoughts wandered. He almost wished Blaise was sitting with them so he could catch that reassuring smile right about now. However, Blaise was somewhere at the open tables and Draco didn’t want to find him in the crowd. He hadn’t actually seen Blaise since this morning and the thought of having to face the other boy after the incident brought up a convoluted mess of emotions in him. He pulled on a dry piece of skin on his lips with his teeth. Better to keep distracting himself, both from the raging hunger inside his gut and his roommate.

 

He decided to look for a different face in the Hall instead. Harry Potter. He wanted to see if the other boy looked any better. When he found him he also found Harry’s eyes already on him. The look in them was hard to make out from a distance but it seemed worried, almost angry. He wasn’t sure. He unabashedly stared back and observed the scene before him. Ron, the ginger boy, leaned over to Potter and spoke to him. Of course Draco had no way of knowing what was being said but by Potter's reaction he assumed it wasn’t something he wanted to hear. He watched as Hermione Granger chimed in as well. Evidently trying to calm whatever argument was on the verge of breaking out. Draco recalled what Hermione had said the previous night. Harry used to get angry, and he wondered if this was the sort of anger she had been talking about. In that moment Potter stood abruptly causing his plate to clatter to the floor, the entire hall seemed to quiet and turn their heads towards the boy. Potter gave Draco one last glare before marching out of the Hall. No one followed him. Draco wished he could have, he was intensely curious about the aftermath of the previous night.

Perhaps he could intersect Granger and Weasley on the way out and hear about it from them. 

 

“Eyes on your plates, everyone” Snape said in a gnarly voice, bringing the attention back to Draco's table. Draco sighed and began pushing some food around his plate. Suddenly he felt a presence just behind him. Snape had left his seat and was pacing the table. 

The professor leaned in close to Draco and murmured. “One would think after your meeting with the headmaster you’d be more inclined to participate. Showing effort can make a world of difference.” Draco froze. Snape was unpleasant at the best of times but especially now Draco became keenly aware of the target on his back.

He eyed his plate. He also felt Pansy’s eyes on him. Draco gritted his teeth, his two day streak had given him clarity and he knew he could keep it up even longer, but at what cost? He was certain Snape would not hesitate to further report to Dumbledore. Draco didn’t need any more trouble, any more attention on him. He reached for his fork. Just do it. He told himself. One bite. Maybe two. He hated being forced to give up his control, especially when that evil little voice was taunting him inside his head. Look at you, so ready to give up at the slightest sign of a struggle. He glanced over at Pansy. She was staring in anticipation but quickly looked away when she noticed Draco’s gaze. He prodded one of the slices of tomato that had been neatly arranged as a side salad. He knew tomatoes were safe, but these ones were covered in an unknown dressing. He hated the feeling that everyone's eyes seemed to be on him. If only Snape would at least walk away. He picked through the tomatoes, inspecting each slice to evaluate it. Draco decided on a piece that had been nearly untouched by the mystery dressing. This will have to do, he thought. He carefully lifted the tomato to his lips. He could have spat at Pansy, who was barely hiding her interest in his turmoil now. Finally he let the slice slip into his mouth and carefully chewed it as if it could bite back. He swallowed hard and reached for his water glass.

 

Now here was the problem with eating. One bite can quickly turn into a second and a third and fourth and so on. Not because he wanted it, but because even the bland slice made his body beg for more. He was fighting his brain to ignore the hunger signals, while also being very aware that Snape was sure to pay attention and take detailed note of his remaining plate. Draco's head began to spin, it was laughable what kind of spiral a single piece of tomato could set him on.

 

He carefully dissected the rest of his plate. Snape was hardly going to let him off the hook with just this. Meanwhile Pansy seemed to relax in her seat next to Draco. He took this as her gloating. She can see your weakness. She can smell it on you. 

 

Eventually he opted for a few more bites. He hoped this was going to be enough to keep Snape off his back for the rest of the evening. A decision, he was certain, was going to haunt him come morning. 

 

—

 

Draco and Pansy were finally permitted to leave the Great Hall and made their way back to their common room silently. The tension of unspoken words was hanging between them and Draco tried to push the inevitable as far away as possible. When they arrived in the common room they found it to be nearly empty. Draco turned to go to his room but Pansy caught his arm. She looked at him earnestly.

“You know I am going to ask about it.”, she stated plainly.

Draco sighed and nodded. “Yeah. I figured you would.”

 

The two cozied up on one of the couches, Pansy’s eyes were expectantly pinned on Draco. 

 

Draco began to detail his meeting with the Headmaster. Albeit with some adjustments and exclusions. Pansy didn’t need to know about his family troubles. She was quietly nodding along, listening intently. There was a strange fire in her eyes.

 

“Anyway they are gonna have me join a weekly… weight check I guess.” Draco concluded, hoping he didn’t sound scared. Pansy’s eyes lit up as if she had been waiting to hear this.

“I knew it.”, she cheered. Draco didn’t quite understand why she thought this was news worthy of celebrating. “I was wondering when they’d add you to the group.”, she grinned at him. Draco narrowed his eyes. “So you are part of it?”, he asked. 

“Of course I am. Most of us are. Except… for the “overachievers” like Blaise who seems to be about ready to get out of here for good. I mean he used to be like us of course but not since they’ve moved him to opens”

Draco furrowed his brows. “I still don't understand why you are so cheerful about it.”

Pansy’s eyes darted to his face, and a grin crept onto her face. “I love knowing. Don't you?”

Draco looked at her doubtfully. She seemed a little unhinged. “You mean your weight?” She nodded excitedly. “Its the only way I can truly truly keep track, you know? Honestly before they started my weigh-ins I was going crazy without knowing.” 

Draco bristled. He wasn’t entirely sure that Pansy wasn’t crazy now. “I don't know… I find the concept rather overwhelming.” He replied honestly. 

Pansy eyed him curiously for a moment. “Are you worried about it? Like if it's gonna be good enough?” 

 

Draco wasn’t sure what she was getting at. Of course he was worried about it, it felt like there was an extra weight pushing down on his back just thinking about it. For one it could either affirm that what he was doing was still working or it could make him regret every single bite that had ever crossed his lips. Including the ones from dinner. And then there was the issue of the monitoring itself. If Madam Pomfrey was able to track his weight then surely there was no way around eating now. They wouldn’t just watch as the number ticked down, they would make him eat. 

 

“You know you can trick the system right?” Pansy interrupted his brain spiral. He raised an eyebrow. Pansy smiled conspiratorially  and leaned in closer. “We have our ways. If you drink a ton of water right before then the scale will tip up without you actually having put on any weight.” Draco eyed her curiously, he wasn’t entirely a stranger to the concept but something about it bugged him. “But then…”, he countered, “How do you know how much it really is?” Pansy grinned even wider. 

“Well you can also get something small and heavy… tiny little weights to hide i-”

“Pansy! You shouldn’t be putting him onto shit like that” a cold voice cut through their conversation. Blaise had appeared behind the two staring down Pansy. She lifted her eyes from Draco and met Blaise’s gaze. She smiled sweetly but coldly. “I’ve told you before. He wants to know. Just because you want to start stuffing your face like a pig doesn’t mean we do. But you and Tori should chat. Maybe you are meant to be, you do sound a lot like her right now.” Pansy’s words were pure poison. She definitely was crazy, Draco decided.

Even without looking at Blaise he could tell the words had hit right where they were aimed. 

Draco didn’t dare to look up at his roommate. He hadn’t anticipated seeing him yet. He wasn’t ready to face him and wasn’t sure what may come out of his own mouth if he did. Blaise scoffed and turned to Draco. “What. You're gonna just let her fill your head with that crap? I thought you were smarter than that.” 

 

Draco didn't move an inch.

 

Blaise took a deep breath as if he was about to say more but then seemed to think better of it and walked away. The boy was on edge and far more tense than usual. No doubt the events of the early morning had something to do with it.

 

Once Blaise’s angry footsteps disappeared Draco focused back on Pansy. She was gleaming. “Oh Draco! I am so happy right now! See, when you first arrived I knew you’d get it. I know you dont wanna be here anymore than I do. It’s so good to finally be able to talk to someone who gets it.” 

Draco felt nothing but emptiness at her words. She was wrong. He wasn’t like her. She was deranged, she found joy in this where he saw duty. They were not the same, and yet he wasn’t going to tell her that. Clearly, she had plenty of tricks up her sleeve, some of which he may find useful in the future. 

The thought reminded him of something. A small plastic bag filled with pills that was still tucked away in a corner of his and Blaise’s room. He licked his dry lips. He distinctly remembered the night when they had come into his possession. He wasn’t sure if it’d be risky to bring them up to Pansy, but the moment had swept him up and he couldn’t hold his tongue.

He leaned in closer and whispered nearly too quiet for even himself to hear. “What about the pills?” Pansy’s eyes widened in shock for a moment. She seemed to calculate what Draco’s angle was here. Finally, she leaned back. 

“I don’t have any more. It’s not exactly easy to get them especially if your supplier has taken them off the supply list.” Draco eyed her suspiciously. Trying to figure out if she was lying. Her tight jaw and furrowed brows told him that she wasn’t but wished she was. 

“So… that night when you threw them to me… those were the last?”He inquired further. She nodded solemnly. Now there was something interesting.

Draco let a smile slip onto his lips now. “What if I told you I kept them”

Pansy grabbed him unexpectedly and firmly. Her thin fingers closing around his upper arms. 

“You mean you didn’t take them?” She asked with an intensity that made Draco want to back away. Instead he leaned in and nodded. 

 

Shortly after, the two had made a deal. Draco had agreed to give Pansy half the pills back, while Pansy let him keep the other half for himself, as a thank you for ‘holding on to them’. She had explained how life-changing they had been for her but also how he must make sure to keep them well hidden. She assured him they weren’t addictive, although they could be dangerous if he took too many at once. “Trust me, you don't want to land in the infirmary with these in your system, that’ll make them tube feed you faster than anything. Plus, they’ll turn this entire station upside down to figure out where they came from.” Draco had figured most of those things by himself, thus his hesitation in doing anything besides keeping them until now. However, with the prospect of having to keep up appearances even more in the coming weeks he couldn’t turn from an opportunity like this. 

They kept talking for another hour or so before they decided to head to bed. Draco was left with a strange feeling. While Pansy had been one of the people he had spent the most amount of time with at Hogwarts, he began to get the feeling that only now he was really getting to see the real her. 

 

—

 

Draco arrived outside his bedroom door, he slid the door open quietly, hoping that Blaise had gone to bed already. Instead he found the other boy pacing the length of the room, without even noticing that Draco had entered. Blaise was mouthing what Draco identified as numbers, counting each step he took across the room without looking up from the floor. After a few moments Draco spoke up.

“Getting your steps in, are you?”, he said mockingly. Blaise jumped and finally faced him. “Shit!”He said with a nervous laugh. “How long have you been standing there? I was just thinking really… Moving… moving around helps me clear my thoughts" The other boy looked desperate for Draco to drop the topic. 

Draco narrowed his eyes. All of the things he had been holding onto since this morning were now threatening to burst out of him. There was anger, curiosity, confusion, and maybe a quiet almost undiscernible bit of warmth and fascination. Yet, he found that his anger was easiest to let out. Perhaps it had been Pansy’s influence and fiery attitude that made him decide to push. “Right. Thinking.”, he said coldly. “I am sure it also helps with burning all those calories doesn’t it?” His words were pointed and intended to unsettle the other boy. 

A wave of emotions flashed across Blaise’s face until he finally put up a neutral mask. “I assure you that has not even crossed my mind.” Draco barked out a laugh. “Sure it hasn’t. Because you’re better now, right? Because you’re eating at the grown ups table now?”

Blaise glared at him. “This is exactly why I told you to stay away from Pansy, she is a poison apple. She makes people mean.”

“I don’t need her to make me mean. I have never been nice, Blaise.”

“No. You’re wrong, you can choose to let go of this-” Blaise tried, but Draco saw right through him.

“What are you hiding? You’re not better at all are you? You just managed to fly under the radar, isn’t that right?” Draco teased.

The other boy swallowed hard.

“I… I am. I am better.”, he stammered.

“Yeah, then why go on secret runs in the morning? Why pace around the room for hours? For someone who is so high and mighty you sure seem to be acting like all the rest of us.”

Blaise gritted his teeth.

“Who are you to talk about me being high and mighty when you’ve been singing that same song since the second you got here. My god, I have been nothing but supportive and kind to you. I tried being your friend. But the second you see weakness you snap at it. Maybe you and Pansy deserve each other.” 

“My friend?!”Draco spat back. “A friend wouldn’t have tried to kiss me.”

Blaise froze, his face dropped.

“I didn't mean for that to happen”, he said quietly. “I was going crazy and I just… missed having someone who’d see me.”

Draco stared at the other boy. There was a sadness that was seeping through every word, but Draco wasn’t ready to let it go yet.

“So you were missing your little lunatic girlfriend and decided to come after your roommate instead?”, he hissed.

Blaise shook his head. “No. I wasn’t missing my girlfriend.”

 

Oh. Draco took a step back, colliding with the wall behind him. 

 

Blaise looked back up at him, his eyes were red, and Draco realized that the other boy was fighting back tears.

“I am really sorry, Draco. I know I broke your trust. I was… I hate where I am right now. I know I should be excited because things are finally going well for me. I mean my family is so happy about how far I’ve come this time and yet I feel like a piece of shit. Everytime I look in the mirror all I see is what's wrong with me. How far I’ve lost myself. And… and I know that’s just the illness talking and trying to keep me under, to suck me back down but I just don’t think I am strong enough to fight it. I thought I was. I was going to be. I was so determined that I would be. But I am not. I just want to go back to how I was when I wasn’t well, when I was terrible really. When I was mean and bitter like you and Pansy. Because that was so much easier than this. And I thought if I could find someone like the person I had before maybe that would make it all go away, make it easier again. But I know that was wrong… I shouldn’t have… I shouldn’t…” 

 

Blaise broke down. He was sobbing deep painful sobs. 

 

Draco felt like he was frozen in place. He wanted to reach out and hold Blaise until he stopped crying but he couldn't move a muscle. He realized he still cared for the other boy, for his friend, but what he had just laid open to Draco went against everything his parents had taught him. 

Draco was staring at this boy across from him, knowing that his father would have told him that Blaise was a miserable creature who made the choice to go against what was natural. And yet he wanted nothing more than to tell Blaise that it was okay. That he wouldn’t be alone and that things would get easier. 

“Blaise”, he whispered, his voice coming out weak. “I didn’t know…” Didn’t know what? That his roommate was gay, that he had been struggling while putting up this facade of overcoming his illness, that he had been trying to help Draco despite standing at the same abyss? Draco was at a loss of words. Inside him his emotions ran wild, torn between what was instilled in him and what he thought was right in this moment. 

 

“I don’t know how to help you.”, he finally said pathetically. The phrase hung empty in the air accompanied by Blaise’s sobs.

Blaise sniffled and finally uncurled himself, he wiped a hand over his face, looking up at Draco. “It’s okay.”, he let out an empty laugh, “No one ever does.” A sad smile fell over his face. 

“I am sorry you are seeing me like this… I understand if you would like to find a different roommate, after… after what I did.” 

“No!” Draco burst out instinctively. “No. I don’t want a different roommate.” He knew it was true when he said it. “I… I can’t be what you want. I can’t be your… uhm… anchor.” He said slowly, unsure how to approach the topic. “I mean shit I can’t even anchor myself, I am a mess… but I can be your friend. I want to be your friend.”

Blaise nodded. “I would like that. And I promise, Draco, I will never try anything with you. Ever. I know you’re not like me and I was just desperate and felt lonely. It shouldn’t have happened.” 

There was a strange twitch inside of Draco at these words but he pushed it out of his mind for the moment. 

He watched as Blaise rose from the ground. The other boy laughed, embarrassed and wiped away his tears. “God I am such a mess.” He shook his head. 

Draco shrugged. “Shit aren’t we both?” he said with a cautious smile.

Notes:

My characterization of Pansy is not intended to villainize her. She is sick and I wanted to illustrate a side of this illness that I feel like isn't talked about a lot. Eating disorders are highly competitive and while you're going through it you do not always make very sound choices or act kindly towards others. Pansy is the character I am portraying this the most with at this point.

Let me know what you guys think in the comments!

Chapter 10: Troubled Days

Summary:

“I am fine. Too.” he said sternly. 
“Okay…” Astoria said quietly. “You don’t look it, you know? Neither of you do. I feel… I feel like you both are worse. Much worse.”

Notes:

Back for more! I hope you've been enjoying this new round of chapters! Things are certainly heating up... and unfotunately they will get worse before getting better.
For this chapter I want to give a specific warning for vomiting. It is a bit graphic but I try to not go into too much detail, it could still be a bit rough for some readers so make sure to take care of yourself! Also see end notes for more clarifications!

CW: eating disorders, vomiting, abuse of weight loss medication, implied/referenced alcoholism

The next morning the harsh winds and gloomy skies outside of the castle walls proved that autumn was on its way out and the first cold days were rolling in. Draco woke early from the frisky air in the dorm room. He found the window cracked and his roommate returning from his morning run. Blaise gave him a guilty look when he realised that he had been watched, but Draco let it go. 

After the previous night he knew not to judge and didn’t want to further burden the boy. 

He hadn’t been lying when he told Blaise he wanted him as a friend still, although there was a strangeness between them now. Draco wasn’t quite sure whether things would be different but he figured only time could tell. The two were cautious around each other but not unkind. Blaise tried to strike up a casual discussion but Draco was far too tired and anxious to be fully present. He hoped the other boy didn’t take this the wrong way.

 

Draco eventually managed to slip into the bathroom, where he finally felt like he could take a breath again. Not because of Blaise, but because the morning held a dreadful promise for him and the closed bathroom door seemed like a shield from the outside world. Albeit only for a short time until he would have to face it. 

 

Draco leaned back against the door and closed his eyes. He wasn’t sure what to expect from this ‘weigh-in’ but he wanted to get it over with. Part of him was terribly nervous and another part felt ecstasy at the idea of being able to put a number on his body. The voice in his head was whispering poisonous words with a sharp tongue. You don’t know the damage you’ve done. You have no idea how bad it might be. You’re disgusting.

 

Draco locked eyes with himself in the mirror. His gaunt face didn’t look any different to him than it had the day or even the week before. He wondered if he had changed at all. Stagnancy was fine but what he craved was progress. Not the progress that McGonagall or Madam Pomfrey expected from him of course, but the one that he could approve of. The kind of progress only he saw as such.

As he changed out of his sleep shirt he carefully analyzed how the bones underneath his skin moved. His ribs, his collar bones, shoulders… It was a fascinating sight. His skin was taught over the defined outline of his skeleton. He traced it with his fingers, counted his ribs. He bit his lip and furrowed his brows. It’s not enough, he thought. If he could get this far… How much further could he go? He was all sharp edges but in his eyes they weren’t sharp enough. Nothing would be enough until the edges were so sharp that they’d cut through his skin, until they became one with his skin and he’d be unable to discern the difference. 

His fingers twitched. He wasn’t delusional, he knew what he sought was impossible to achieve and yet he knew he was willing to die trying. 

 

A breath. He had never thought of it that way. Was he willing to die just to reach an ideal that was unreachable? No risk, no reward… The voice was singing, sweetly now. Draco shook his head and gritted his teeth in stern determination. There was something he could try. 

 

He fished the small bag of pills from its hiding place. Once he had poured them all out onto the sink he carefully divided them into two piles. One for Pansy, one for him. His fingers hovered over the pills, uncertain. He glared at his own image in the mirror, as if he dared it to judge him. He lifted one of the tiny blue ovals to his face, carefully examining it. Such a small thing… but if Pansy spoke the truth, such a big impact. 

Suddenly a loud knock at the door shook him out of his trance. He dropped the pill. It rolled a few inches before falling flat on the cold tiles.

“Shit” Draco cursed under his breath and hurried to pick it up.

“Hey Draco? I gotta shower… Can you hurry up?” Blaise’s voice sounded through the wood.  Draco frantically gathered one pile of pills back into the plastic bag while wrapping the other in toilet paper. This would have to do. 

“Yeah! Sorry, be out in a minute!” He grabbed both bundles and… hesitated. Fuck it, he thought and quickly let one pill drop into the palm of his hand. Without a second thought he popped it in his mouth and swallowed it dry.

 

A few moments later he was dressed and out of the restroom. The pills tucked out of sight in his pocket. 

“Where are you headed?” Blaise asked with surprise as Draco passed him. Draco gave him a pained smile. “Weight check” 

With that he left the room. 

 

—

 

He met Pansy in the common room. A few others were headed out of the door ahead of them but Draco pulled Pansy back. 

“Hey” he whispered. “I have something for you.” Pansy gave him an incredulous look but followed him. He pulled out one of the bundles of pills and pushed it into her hand, when she realized what it was she quickly closed her hand and tucked it away.

“Are you stupid?”, she hissed. 

“What?” Draco asked, suddenly unsure.

“Why would you give them to me now?”, she asked. 

“I… I figured you'd want them as soon as possible…” Draco retorted, he didn’t enjoy Pansy’s tone.

Pansy groaned exasperated and rolled her eyes. “Duh… But do you know where we are going right now?”

Draco stared at her blankly. Of course he knew he had been dreading it since he opened his eyes.

“You idiot… Why would you want these on you when we are going to a weigh-in. You'll have to strip down to your underwear in front of Madam Pomfrey! What if they fall out, huh?”

“Oh… I didn’t know…” He avoided her eyes. He hadn’t realized that that would be a part of it. It was one thing for him to analyze his body, an entirely different one for someone else to see him like that. 

She shook her head. “It’s fine… I’ll make sure they won’t find them.” she said gentler now, sensing Draco’s despair.

“Are you ready?”

Draco just nodded. His mouth felt unbelievably dry all of a sudden.

 

—

 

Pansy let him towards the infirmary. He was glad to have her to follow, he doubted he would have found the way on his own. Despite her enthusiasm for the venture the night before, he noticed that the closer they got the more tense she became. So it wasn’t all just fun and games for her after all. 

“Are you nervous?”, he asked quietly. He knew she was and that she hated that he could tell. He secretly enjoyed seeing her squirm a little. 

She simply shook her head defiantly and turned her head with a plastered on smile that barely reached her eyes. “More like stoked!”, she lied. 

Draco nodded. The rest of the walk was silent. 

 

Finally they arrived. A few students were already waiting in line outside of the infirmary. Draco realized that Pansy had meant it when she said that most of the kids on their station would be here. Draco counted almost all of the ‘students’ from his part of Hogwarts. 

All of them seemed to be in various states of distress. He could have sworn one of them was crying quietly and made it his mission not to appear as desperate as them. He put on an unbothered face, ignoring his racing heart. Despite it all he couldn’t stop his hands from fidgeting with the fabric of his pants. They were baggy around his legs and he could feel the familiar icey-cold creep up his body. There was a haunting quiet hovering over the small group until the door opened.

 

From inside the room appeared Madam Pomfrey with her approachable friendly smile. “Good morning, everyone”, she said in a voice that knew that this was hardly a good morning for them. She was gentle, without trying to force her optimistic attitude on the group.

 

One by one they were ushered into the room. It only took 5, maybe 7 minutes per person. Once the kids reappeared they all hurried away with varying expressions. All of them seemingly wanting to disappear into their clothes that they hugged tightly around their bodies. As the line before Draco and Pansy grew shorter Draco found it harder and harder to hide his nervosity. Not only that but he also felt violently ill suddenly. Not in the way he had gotten used to but rather as if someone was strangling him and pulling at his limbs. He could barely take it.

He wondered for a moment… Was this an effect of the tiny pill he had taken earlier? Whatever it was he had to suppress. Pansy disappeared into the room, following Madam Pomfrey. His turn was next.

 

Draco felt as though Pansy was in there for ages. And the world seemed to spin in front of his eyes. He leaned against the wall for support. Finally the door opened and Pansy reemerged. Her eyes seemed hollow and she did not look at Draco or even speak to him as she walked down the hallway. Draco was almost grateful for this. He wasn’t sure whether he would have been able to utter even a single word. 

 

Unfortunately, he would have to. Madam Pomfrey’s attention turned to him. Her eyes were speaking for her before she even opened her mouth. “Oh dear… are you alright Mister Malfoy?”, she asked with serious concern.

He nodded, trying to keep himself upright. She shook her head in disbelief. Shit, Draco hopped, he didn’t look as awful as he felt.

He forced a smile onto his lips and felt the dry skin split. “I am alright. Just… nervous is all.” he muttered. 

Madam Pomfrey eyed him closely, but seemed to decide to let it go for now. “Well if that is so… no need to be Mister Malfoy. It won’t take long. Follow me.”

She led him into the room and Draco tried not to topple over from a sudden sharp pain in his abdomen. Come on, he urged himself. Keep it together, at least until she is done with you.

The meeting was a blur to him. Madam Pomfrey asked him a few questions, which he could hardly remember the second he stepped back outside. Then, she led him behind a small partition, leaving him to undress in privacy. His motions were slow and he felt like he was moving through a thick sticky pond. When he was done Madam Pomfrey had him step onto an industrial looking scale.

 

“I know this can be a very difficult thing for someone with your condition to go through, so if you would like you can face me.” Her voice was accompanied by a ringing in Draco’s ears. Somehow he found the energy to retaliate.

“I don’t have a ‘condition’”, he insisted. “And I want to know.” Madam Pomfrey did not further engage him on the subject but instead just noted down the number. Draco locked onto the tiny digits, cataloging them in his mind for later, before they became blurry in front of his eyes.

 

The state he was in didn’t allow him to scrutinise or overthink it for the time being but it did stick in his brain, waiting, like a cat about to jump, to tear him down later. For now he just wanted to get out of this room and escape Madam Pomfrey’s prying eyes. He willed her to hurry along and hoped that she interpreted his strange behavior as a symptom of his nervousness.

 

“Are you sure you are alright, Mister Malfoy?”, she asked again as she led him back to the door. “Yeah…”, he replied with effort. He needed to get out of there, and fast. “I am just… hungry.” He finally said. “I need to get some food.” This seemed to do the trick. If she didn’t believe him she didn’t say anything. With a gentle, yet concerned smile she sent him on his way.

 

As soon as the door closed behind him, he sunk against the wall. The pain in his stomach had become relentless. He wanted to get. It. Out. He somehow managed to make his way to a bathroom nearby. As soon as he was inside he slumped down in front of one of the toilets just in time. 

 

For the second time in two days he threw up. This time without needing to ‘help’ it along. What the hell were those damn pills, he cursed in his head after the first wave had passed. But he already felt the nausea built up again and prepared himself. 

It ripped violently through his frail body. And once again there was nothing but phlegm and acid. It felt like his stomach was being turned inside out. His fingers were gripping the side of the toilet bowl, his eyes were watering, clouding his sight and snot was dripping from his nose. He felt disgusting as he gagged into the bowl. More disgusting than he did most days. 

 

Eventually it subsided. Draco was sweating cold sweats sitting on the cool bathroom floor. He was shivering from exhaustion. 

He leaned his head against the wall. After a few moments he was able to take a deep breath again and slowly stood up. 

He felt like a hollowed out tree, so entirely and utterly empty that he wasn’t sure how he wasn’t floating an inch above the floor. He took some shaky steps to one of the sinks. He followed his usual routine. Water. Examining himself. Breath. Repeat.

 

He knew he couldn’t stay here forever, today he had to make it to breakfast. He was cursing Pansy in his mind. “Dangerous” she had said. But that didn’t even seem to describe what he just went through. 

 

—

 

He made it to breakfast with barely a second to spare. After his turmoil in the bathroom he could hardly stand the thought of being in a room full of food and people eating let alone eating himself. The smells seemed overwhelming, the chatter from the other students a cacophony purely made to drone in his ears. He was impossibly weak on his feet and found it a welcome relief to let his body sink onto his seat. 

Pansy seemed in no better mood than when she had left Madam Pomfrey’s. Draco was perfectly content not speaking to her either after what he just went through in the bathroom. He hoped she couldn’t smell it on him.

 

He felt the fabric of his shirt on his skin, slightly damp from sweat. Draco was freezing and tried not to shiver. The look of his breakfast before him made his stomach turn. He had to strain himself not to gag. Thankfully Snape decided not to harass him this morning and the meal passed without incident. 

 

— 

 

After breakfast Draco rushed back to his room. He needed to get a change of clothes before the first lesson. When he entered the common room he almost collided with Astoria. He had seen the girl earlier at the weigh-in but hadn’t spoken to her. She seemed distant and sad ever since her and Pansy had their big falling out. Astoria had disappeared from his radar, she was rarely speaking to anyone, let alone Pansy. Draco hadn’t known her very well before so he didn’t miss her absence particularly, but he did wonder from time to time if she and Pansy would make up eventually.

 

“Oh. I am sorry”, she apologised. Letting her gaze drop to the floor. Draco shook his head. “That’s alright.”, he said and tried to push past her. To his surprise she stepped in his way. 

“You’ve been spending a lot of time with Pansy, right?” The girl inquired.

Draco was not in the mood to have a chat or get involved in whatever was still going on between the two girls. He simply nodded and tried pushing past her again. 

“Is she… Is she doing alright?”Astoria asked cautiously. “She hasn’t exactly been speaking to me recently but I still… care for her.”

“She is fine," Draco said, begging for the conversation to be over.

“Okay”, Astoria nodded. Then after a pause. “What about you?”, she asked.

Draco hadn’t expected this. He looked at the girl puzzled. It made sense for her to ask about Pansy, but him? She hardly knew him, and he preferred it that way. He found that the more he got entangled with people at Hogwarts the more complicated his life seemed to get.

“I am fine. Too.” he said sternly. 

“Okay…” Astoria said quietly, finally letting him pass. 

Right before he had crossed the room she spoke again. “You don’t look it, you know? Neither of you do. I feel… I feel like you both are worse. Much worse.” She let the words hang in the air and Draco did not turn to look at her. When he finally decided to respond, the room was empty, leaving him with nothing but the echo of her concern.

 

—

 

When Draco returned to the hallways of the castle he felt a bit better in his skin. He wished he could have taken a shower but there was hardly enough time between breakfast and the first lesson of the day, and so he rushed to his first class. 

By now he knew the paths by heart. The day passed in a blur and before he knew it he was headed for his final class.

When he arrived he was surprised to find his table empty. There was no sign of Harry Potter, who usually sat next to him for this lesson. 

It was all the same to Draco. At least he wouldn’t have to ward off an onslaught of paper and writing utensils today. 

Ahead of him Granger and Weasley were unusually quiet. They kept glancing at the door, presumably awaiting Harry’s arrival and ducking their heads together in frantic whispered conversation. Their nervosity was almost contagious. Draco shifted in his seat uncomfortably. The last time he had seen the boy, Potter had been on edge. Not a good sign. Unsure why he found himself glancing towards the door as well, becoming more tense with every minute that passed without Potter appearing. He struck it up to a morbid curiosity. Harry, while admittedly an annoying nuisance, certainly kept him entertained.

 

The lesson started without the other boy's presence. The professor, Professor Binns as Draco had eventually learned, was taking roll. The closer they got to ‘P’ in the alphabet the more the tension at the table in front of him seemed to rise. Draco observed as the two in front of him were shifting anxiously in their seats.

Inevitably Binns called “Potter, Harry?” To no one's surprise the room stayed quiet, safe for students turning in their seats to gawk at the empty chair. At a school like this absences had to be approved by every professor. Unexcused absences virtually did not exist. Something like this was always a terrible foreboding. And thus the whispers began. 

 

Professor Binns looked up from behind his glasses, scanning the room. “Quiet!”, he called and then repeated “Potter, Harry”. He wrinkled his forehead and let out an uncertain sound. Right as he began scribbling a note, a commotion drew everyone’s attention to the classroom door. 

 

Potter was rushing in. His hair was a mess, even more than usual, he was trying to drop none of his materials which he was haphazardly carrying under one arm, while carrying his open bag in the other. He looked like he hadn’t slept in three days, with dark rings under his eyes, breathing hard. If it hadn’t been for the bright, familiar grin on his face Draco could have sworn that this was an entirely different boy from the one he had met in Madam Pomfrey's office weeks prior. 

 

“So sorry Professor Binns! I had forgotten something in my room and had to rush back after my previous class. And then I had trouble finding the thing I had left… well anyways all this to say I was running from the common room and then tripped on the stairs-”

Binns held up his hand. “Mr. Potter. You are tardy. I don’t need to hear a hundred excuses. Take a breath and sit down.” 

“Right. My deepest apologies!” Potter blurted out. He was talking a mile a minute. 

Draco saw as Granger and Weasley exchanged a strange look.

“But! I am here now and ready to learn! So not to worry, right, Professor?”Potter continued and dropped a pile of his school books on his and Draco's desk. Draco had to catch half of them so they wouldn’t clatter to the floor. 

The old Professor looked Harry up and down and pursed his lips. “That’s enough, Mr. Potter. I will have to report your tardiness regardless”

“Absolutely, Professor!” Potter responded with a winning smile and self-assured nod. “Again I am terribly sorry.”

“That's alright! Let’s get on with it.”, muttered the professor impatiently. “Sit down.”

Potter let himself fall into the chair next to Draco.

He did not spare Draco a single look. For some reason this bothered Draco. He had not cared about Harry's attention before but had somewhat expected at least a thank you… or at least a hello. After all, besides Harry himself, Draco was one of the only three people who knew about the other boy’s mishap a couple nights prior. 

Instead Potter kept his eyes sternly pointed ahead, intently attentive to the lesson. Even Granger wasn’t that into Binns’ lectures, and Draco knew the other boy was putting up a front. 

He couldn’t help but notice a slight tremor in Potter's fingers, as the other boy tapped them on the wooden table in an uneven rhythm. The noise grew terribly irritating to Draco’s ears, finally he snapped. "Would you stop that, Potter?”, he whispered angrily. The other boy paused. Barely turning his head, he eyed Draco from the side. 

 

There was something strange in Potter’s eyes. A coldness that hit Draco unexpectedly. The other boy did not say a word, just stared him down out of the corner of his eyes. A few seconds later he pointed his attention back towards the front of the class and began tapping his fingers again. Draco did not ask him to stop again. 

 

For the remainder of class Draco felt uneasy in his seat next to Potter. He carefully evaded Potter’s belongings as they began to spread across both sides of the desk. Something told him that he shouldn’t even breathe in his classmates direction. Draco didn’t usually shy away from snarky comments but today was not the day to fall into Harry Potter’s bad graces it seemed. 

 

Undoubtedly Potter’s behavior was connected to their nightly encounter and the thought that perhaps Potter’s ‘one drink’ hadn’t exactly stopped there crossed Draco’s mind. He knew about control and Potter seemed like the kind of kid to easily lose it. Judging by Granger and Weasley’s tense disposition ahead of him he figured they had similar concerns. They threw testing glances over their shoulders, turning back quickly to avoid Harry’s cold eyes. 

 

Draco was desperate for the minutes and seconds to tick away until the end of class, his day had already been a nightmare and his body hurt. His throat felt raw, his head was thumping and his bones aching. Sitting next to a ticking time bomb did not exactly ease any of this in the slightest.

 

After what felt like much longer than 60 minutes, Binns decided to give them back their freedom. Draco rushed to clear his desk and leave the classroom. His efforts were quickly interrupted by an intense wave of vertigo. His vision threatened to go black and he sank back into his seat. He needed a few moments to blink away the little specks of black that were clouding his eyes. Nothing around him felt real, his hands clasped onto the desk in front of him to ensure he didn’t slump over. His heart was beating at a pace that seemed unnatural and his breath hitched. He definitely should have stood up slower. 

 

When he finally came back to himself again and the classroom stopped spinning, he found that it had almost cleared out completely, except for the other three people who were still lingering. Weasley and Granger were standing by the door, waiting for Potter, who was trying to tame the mess on his desk. None of them seemed to have noticed Draco’s brief weakness.

 

He tried again to get up out of his seat and pack his things away, slower this time. There was an uncomfortable silence in the air, save for his and Potter's rummaging. Draco could not wait to get out of there. 

 

“You don’t have to wait for me," Potter said into the silence. For a second Draco thought the sentence was directed at him and looked up in surprise. Just to find Potter staring at his two friends. 

“It’s not a problem!” Granger said, assuringly with a fake air of normalcy. “Yeah!! No worries, Harry!” Weasley agreed, he hid his worry far worse than Granger. 

“I said you can leave.” Potter repeated icily. 

Granger’s eyes flickered from him to Draco. “Okay…Um… Sure…” she said reluctantly before ushering Weasley out of the room, both of them looking back at Draco and Harry as they disappeared into the hallway. 

 

Draco’s heart sank. He did not want to be alone in a room with Harry Potter right now. Either time the two had been alone together before strange things had happened and Draco did not care to find out what was waiting for him this time. 

 

Unfortunately, he did not get a say in the matter.

Notes:

The way I describe these pills working is not based in reality. This is purely a fictionalization, there are no weightloss drugs that work in this way it just worked better for the story.