Chapter 1: the warning signs have all been bright and garish, far too great in number to ignore
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
Rey spends the next week sleeping in the Falcon with Poe, Rose, and Finn. Leia’s sleeping in there too, which Rey has been used to, but Luke’s started joining them, which she’s pretty sure he wasn’t doing before. Every morning, without fail, when she goes to sit in the cockpit with Leia, Luke is there, blearily looking at something on a holopad, although Rey doesn’t think he’s actually reading it.
His actual purpose, Rey is fairly certain, is to keep her and Leia from talking about any thoughts they might be having about Ben that they wouldn’t want to express in front of him. It’s working, to his credit, and Rey thinks Poe’s cottoned on as well, because he’s just a little less cool in his demeanor towards him.
Rey doesn’t push. It’s the most she’s slept in months, and even if she feels bad for the inconvenience on everyone else, it’s okay, isn’t it? Just for a little while? Just ‘til she gets back on her feet.
It’s okay. Just for a little while longer, it’ll be okay.
“Rey.”
Rey and Luke both look up, blinking. Leia’s looking out the windshield of the Falcon still.
“Yes?” Rey asks.
“Are you… well?”
“Yeah, I’m okay.”
“I wanted to send you on an errand. Would that… be alright?”
“Um. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, it’s… it’s why I’m here. What did you want?”
Leia shrugs. “Nothing hard. Just bringing information to an outpost. I thought.” She looks at Rey now, expression a little soft. “I thought you might want an easy one.”
“I can do whatever you need me to do.”
“I know you can. I’m…” Leia sighs. “I’m not naturally given to kindness, Rey. But I am trying to be kind.”
“I think you’re kinder than you give yourself credit for. But I’ll go whenever.”
“Eat something first.”
“I will.” It’s been a steady line of everybody around her, trying to keep her fed. “Do you have a ship for me?”
“Do you mind taking an X-Wing?”
“No, I know how to fly those.”
“Statura has the details and what you’re ferrying. Let me know once you’ve made contact and you’re on your way out.”
“Yeah, I can do that.”
“Okay. Good.”
“Be careful,” Luke tells her.
“Doesn’t sound like there’s much to be careful about.”
“Yeah. It always sounds easy until it isn’t.”
“I’ll be careful.”
Poe sticks his head in the cockpit. “We’re good to go eat.”
“Okay. I’m getting up.” Rey gets to her feet. “Bye, Luke. Bye, Leia.”
“Bye, Rey.”
“Take care.”
Poe gives Leia and Luke each a nod and then they leave, rejoining with Finn and Rose.
“I’m going on a mission,” Rey says.
“You sure you’re ready for that?” Finn asks.
“Yeah, it’ll be fine. It’s just an errand.”
“Are you gonna check in?”
“Yeah, after I deposit the drop.”
“Okay. I’m gonna be there.”
“Me, too,” Poe adds. Rose nods in agreement.
“I’m going to be fine. I’m not sick.”
“You’re a little sick,” Rose says.
“I’m not-“
“You’re a little sick,” the three of them chorus.
“Hmph. Well. Don’t worry about me.”
“Oh, we’re gonna worry about you.” Rose slings an arm around her shoulder. “But we’ll be quiet about it.”
“Not so far, you haven’t,” Rey answers, but she doesn’t move Rose’s arm, either.
“Hi.”
Din glances down from the engine of the Gambit. “Hi.”
“She okay?”
“Just a little maintenance.”
“Okay. Where’s the kid?”
“Still asleep inside.”
“Okay. I’m going on a mission.”
He looks down properly at that. “Yeah?”
“Yeah. Just a little errand. I’m not fussed about it, I just didn’t want you to look up and have me gone.”
“You sure you’re good for it?”
“Yeah, I’m sure. I’m checking in with Leia in the war room in a couple hours, if you want to be there, though. Everybody else does.”
“Okay. I’ll be there.”
“I’m fine.”
“I know.”
“You’re not standing like it’s fine.”
Din hops out of the engine, takes a step forwards, and rests his forehead against Rey’s briefly. “Be careful.”
“I will.”
“Okay.”
Rey lifts her head. “I’ll see you.”
“Bye, Berry.”
Rey turns, heading for the X-Wing Statura had advised her towards.
Notes:
So I HAVE decided that I’m gonna post the first four chapters at once. They’re all pretty short, and the second, fourth, and fifth all kinda belong together. So here’s my thoughts!
-I think the first couple weeks Rey was with the Resistance she ate like a vacuum, and when she stopped, it was the thing that started ringing alarm bells for everybody that something was going on
-story title is from Hostages and chapter title is from Old College Try!
Chapter 2: throw my better self overboard, shoot at him when he comes up for air
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
It was, if Rey didn’t know any better, insultingly easy.
Rey deposits the drive with the outpost on Wriesis. There’s nothing more to be said about it. She’s in and she’s out. Once she breaches the atmosphere, she checks the hyperdrive, huffs when it makes a whirring noise at her, and coms in.
“Rey?” Leia asks, picking up.
“How old is this X-Wing?” Rey demands.
“I don’t know. Old enough. How did it go?”
“Went completely fine. Hyperdrive’s on the fritz. But I recognize that sound, I just have to give it ten minutes. I’m over Wriesis’ moon now, I dunno what it’s called.”
“Try not to linger.”
“I don’t have much of a choice.” Rey flips a switch on the cooling. It might help with the hyperdrive. “Everybody there?”
“Can confirm.”
“Hi, everybody.” Rey flips another switch. “I’m bleeding out furiously, in case you were wondering.”
“You’re not funny, Rey.”
“I’m hysterical, actually-“
Bam!
Rey jerks to the side as the X-Wing takes a hit, alarms blaring. “Shit!”
“Rey?”
“I’m hit.” Rey grabs the controls and angles it towards the moon as the ship starts tanking. “I’m going for the moon.”
“Do you know what hit you?”
“No.” Rey hits a couple buttons, angling the ship down. “But it only hit me to wound me, it didn’t hit me to kill me. Listen, I’m gonna bring her in, okay, I’m gonna-“ she yanks up on the controls. “I’ll switch to coms once I land.”
Rey shuts the radio off and focuses all her attention on the rapidly approaching ground. She’s going to be able to crash okay, and it doesn’t look like anything else lives here, but she’s got to be-
Rey hits the ground once, then twice, then a third time, bouncing across the surface of the moon. She grits her teeth as she brings it into a skid, pulling up on the controls hard to yank it to a stop. Breathing heavy, she takes a second to collect herself before she yanks the top, grabbing her bag and hopping out of the ship. She grapples with her com, making the call.
“I’m okay,” Rey tells them, breathing heavy. She stands at a distance, examining the ship. “I don’t think I’m flying again, I think…”
Rey trails off, pausing as something settles in her stomach. There’s a feeling, she thinks, a feeling of…
It’s almost malevolence. It’s almost what she felt back on Takodana, back on Starkiller, but it’s not the same, not anymore.
Now, it churns in a sickening spiral.
“Rey?” Leia says.
“He didn’t want to kill me,” she murmurs. “He just didn’t want me to be able to get out.”
“What?”
Rey hears the disturbance of the air more than she feels it and she turns to see a black spiky ship land. She draws her lightsaber and ignites it, despite not really expecting to need it.
Ben strides out, helmet on. His hand on his lightsaber, also ignited, she notices, is shaking slightly, as he grips the hilt tight.
“Hi, Ben,” she says quietly.
“I’m meant to take you,” he tells her, voice dampened slightly by the mask. “You’re to come with me.”
“You don’t want to do that.”
“Your ship isn’t taking off again,” Ben continues, like he hadn’t heard her. “And this moon is a wasteland of swamps and forests. There’s no one to help you. So you’re coming with me, or…” He readjusts his grip on his saber. “Or else.”
Or else, Rey thinks. A child’s plea.
“It’s not too late to come home,” she says.
“Shut up,” he snarls back, the first real feeling in his voice.
Lightning fast, Rey reaches out with the Force and whips the helmet off Ben’s head. He scowls at her resentfully. No trace of the cuts she’d seen on his face last caused by the dream.
“That’s what I want to see,” she tells him. “The face of my cousin. Not the mask he wears to hide.”
“Your cousin is dead,” Ben spits. “He was weak, so I killed him.”
“You were my cousin a week ago. And whatever they’ve done to you since, Ben, you’re my cousin now.”
“Don’t call me that.”
“It’s your name.” She takes a step forwards, deactivating and dropping her lightsaber next to her. “Whatever else you say, however hard you try, you can’t bring yourself to think of yourself as Kylo Ren.”
“You don’t know what you’re talking about-“
“Your mother misses you.” Ben flinches. “She does. Every day she misses you. She carries her grief about you like a shroud.”
“Do not,” he says, voice shaking. “Talk about my mother.”
“She’d take you back. In an instant, she’d take you back.”
“You don’t know anything, it’s too late-“
“It’s not!” Rey holds out her comlink. “Ben, she can hear you, talk to her, listen to her-“
Ben freezes, staring at the comlink.
“Ben?” Leia asks quietly.
The comlink breaks and twists, and is yanked out of Rey’s hand with an invisible ferocity. Ben turns around, dropping his saber and putting his hands on his head and squeezing it.
“Come with me,” Rey says, holding out her hand. “She’d forgive you-“
“Shut up,” Ben whispers, voice coming out cracked and broken.
“You know she would, Ben, she’d forgive you in an instant, and you know I have, you know I’ve forgiven you all of it-“
“Shut up-“
“Come with me, we’ll protect you from Snoke, I promise-“
“Shut up!” Ben roars, whirling around, fists clenched. “Shut up, shut up, stop talking-“
“Ben-“ Ben’s moving towards her suddenly, stalking towards her. She throws up her hands. “Ben, listen-“
“SHUT UUUUUUUUUUUUUP!” He bellows, and he grabs either side of her head-
And suddenly Ben’s not the only one yelling, Rey is screaming at the white hot pain in her eyes, screaming so loud it whips out across the galaxy, so hard she dimly feels Luke and Leia and Grogu and Finn screaming, too, as the picture of Ben’s furious face obscures entirely, the pain intensifying as her vision snaps to black. She scrabbles with Ben’s hands on the sides of her face, desperately trying to pry them off.
“Stop it,” she screams. “Stop it, stop it, stop it, stop!”
Ren jerks back and Rey drops to the ground, gasping on her hands and knees.
“What did you do?” She whispers. “Ren, what did you do?”
Ren’s breathing sounds uneven, almost uncertain. After a moment his hand brushes by hers, sweeping next to her to pick something up. She hears the footsteps as he stumbles away, but she can’t see him, her vision still black, her face still hot. She can’t feel Luke and Leia or Grogu or Finn anymore. She can’t feel anything but the burning of her face and the sheer, unholy panic lighting up her every nerve.
“What did you do?” Rey screams after him. “Ren, what did you do?”
She raises her hands to her face. There’s something sticky on her cheeks. She desperately feels around, prodding at her eyes-
Nothing.
There are two caverns in her face where her eyes used to be.
Rey’s breath hitches once, and then again, and then again. She screams, shrill and hoarse at the same time, over and over, until the screaming devolves into scream-sobbing, curling into a little ball on the mossy ground, clutching at her brutalized face.
Notes:
-I knew this was gonna be a hard one for some of y’all, and I am encouraging you to trust me
-I wrote the bulk of this chapter basically immediately after I decided I wanted to do a Ben redemption arc
-in the original draft of Duel of the Fates, which was the draft of TROS before TROS was TROS, Ren blinds Rey in a fight between the two of them (and I’m pretty sure they did something on a similar wavelength as what I’m about to do), and I thought that was FUCKING rad. I DID have to think about it a little first: this changes the story pretty dramatically, and whenever I come up with one event that changes the trajectory of the arc majorly, I need to sit on it a little. but I knew I liked this, and what I would do with it, so it didn’t take me very long
-so I was really cautious in my language writing what happened with Ren and what it causes. I did NOT want to be like “she’s blind and it’s the worst thing that ever happened to her because she’s blind now!” that’s not fair to blind people, right? as someone disabled (this is not my disability, to be clear), I don’t like it when somebody’s like “this disability means they don’t have a life worth living anymore”. disabled people are perfectly capable of living rewarding, fulfilling lives, and I wanted to be sure of what I was saying when I thought of this storyline. I allude to this in a later chapter, but the way I thought of it is that for Rey, it’s not as much that Rey’s blind now, and her life is ruined forever, as it is that Rey put all her chips on one person who she thought she could absolutely trust, and she got betrayed in an extremely violating way, which is devastating. I DID refer to her face as brutalized, though, because it IS a pretty brutal thing to have happened to her
-title is from Heel Turn 2! I felt pretty good about this as a choice, not gonna lie
Chapter 3: cling to my convictions even when i get hurt
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
Rey lies there for a while. She’s not sure how long. Enough that her limbs gets cold. Eventually, she slowly crawls forwards until she finds where the swamp meets the land. Furiously, she scrubs at her face with the swamp water, trying to get the residue she is trying not to think about off her skin. When she can’t feel it anymore, she crawls over to where she was and pats around. Her lightsaber’s gone. That must be what Ren picked up. She rummages in her bag until she finds her cloak and wraps it around her tight, shivering a little. She reaches up to clutch at the compass around her neck and grits her teeth, feeling the urge to sob start to swell again.
Rey doesn’t know how she’s going to get back. She doesn’t think she wants to get back. She can’t imagine facing Luke and Leia right now. She’s exhausted and panicked and frightened, and she can’t imagine bearing all that and the weight of the guilt that Luke and Leia will feel on seeing her. They won’t come for her, she thinks. It’s too risky. She doesn’t know if Ren came on his own or told the First Order to go for the outpost on the planet, but one person weighed against a whole outpost is nothing.
They might not even think she’s alive. They were all screaming very loud.
So she has no way to get to them. And they won’t come for her.
But she wants her friends. She wants her brother. And she wants Din.
Squeezing the compass, Rey, uneasily, drifts off to sleep.
The desert is comprised of white sand.
Rey stands in it, looking around. White sand and brilliant blue sky for miles. She squints, shielding her eyes from the sun, when she realizes she has eyes. She looks down at her hands, blinking.
“I must be dreaming,” she murmurs. “It doesn’t feel like I’m dreaming.”
“Rey?”
She turns around to see Grogu standing in the sand, staring up at her with wide eyes.
“Hey, little man,” Rey says.
Grogu rushes up to her and she kneels down to catch him. The second they make contact, Rey is struck by lovelovelovefeargrief and she gasps.
“Oh, this is real,” she whispers, clinging to him. “Oh, this is you. This is you, isn’t it? Hello, Grogu.”
“Rey.”
“It’s me. I’m here. I’m right here.” Rey pulls back, gently tweaking one of his ears. “Hi, kid.”
“Rey,” he whimpers.
“I’m alive. I’m okay.” She gently smoothes a finger across his brow. “I miss you.”
“Rey.”
“I’m alive. I’m-“ she swallows. “I’m alive but I’m different. Something’s changed, I-“ she takes a deep breath. “I love you, kid. You know that, right? I love you and Din more than anything else in the galaxy. You and Din and Rose and Finn and Poe and Leia and Luke. I love you dearly.” She fiddles with his ear again. “You’ll be okay. I know you will. You’re tough. Take care of Din, okay? He needs looking after more than he realizes.”
Grogu lightly hits her with a little fist. “Rey!”
“I know. I’m sorry. But I’m so glad I got to know you. I’m so grateful that you and Din came all those years ago, I-“
Rey jerks into consciousness, gasping and scrambling across the ground. She’s close to weeping again. Rey curls into a tiny ball and runs her thumb over the indents in her hands from from where she was squeezing the compasa so tight.
Eventually, Rey rummages around in her bag until she manages to determine which bundle is her rations. She eats quietly, huddled in her cloak.
So the moon is her new home. She doesn’t know how she’s going to get around. She’ll have to try and fashion a cane somehow. There’s trees here. Surely she can figure something out. Damn, but she misses the big stick.
Eventually, though, she’s going to run out of rations. Her kit has a food identifier, but it’s going to take some trial and error to figure out how to work the buttons. Thankfully it makes a certain noise when the food is edible or she’d really have been karked.
Rey crawls under a tree, wrapping her cloak around her tight. She curls up underneath it, and allows herself to drift back into unconsciousness.
Notes:
-I was again cautious about my thought process here. again, I wanted to walk a line about what I was saying about disability here. but it IS a shock, and it IS something violent that’s happened to her, and I think if this had happened to me, I would also be pretty rattled to say the least, which frames the next couple chapters
-chapter title is Heel Turn 2! most of the time I tried not to have the same song in a row for a title. I do it once more in this arc. the second time is on purpose. this time was an accident
Chapter 4: every time they knock me down, i rise to my feet
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
Rey wants to dream.
She wants the dreams. She wants Ren to see her in the face. She wants to make him look at her. Look at me, she wants to scream. Look at what you did to me. She wants to hit him. She wants to scratch and to bite and to claw and to kick, to demand he sees her.
She lies there, on the ground, in the cloak, and she whispers hoarsely “come here. Come be with me. Come see me.”
She doesn’t feel him. If he feels her, he doesn’t respond. So she lies there, mumbling to herself in the dark until she passes out.
She’s in the desert again. The light is blinding, after seeing nothing for so long.
“Rey.”
Rey looks down to see Grogu, clinging to her leg. “Hey, kid.” She sits down and he crawls into her lap. “You’d love it here. Probably lots of frogs in the water. I know Din doesn’t like you eating too many of them, but if it was just you and me, you’d eat like a king.” She fiddles with his ear. “I hope everybody’s doing okay. I don’t know what they think happened to me.”
“Rey,” he says, reaching to grasp her hand with his tiny one. She feels stillstillcalm.
“You want to meditate? Yeah, we can do that. That sounds nice.”
She gently wraps his little hand in hers, closing her eyes. She and Grogu have never meditated together before, but she falls into it surprisingly easy. She takes a long low breath, feeling something settle into her skin. She hovers in the palm of the galaxy, gently suspended alongside her little brother.
Something, softly, clicks.
Rey opens her eyes.
She can’t see the desert anymore, or the sky. Rather, the area is a soft bluish gray, a horizon where the sky should meet the sand. In her lap is a gold shimmery shape outlined like her little brother.
“Grogu?” She asks, startled.
“Rey,” he says, and reaches up to put a hand on her cheek-
Rey gasps, sitting up.
Her vision isn’t black anymore. Rather, the landscape is that same blueish gray, the trees and the swamp outlined in a similar but different shade. She looks down at her hands to see them as slightly muddled golden arm shapes. She turns her hands over in wonder.
“Oh,” she whispers. “Okay.”
The first thing she does is find her little knife, the one Luke gave her, venture into the forest, and cut herself a staff. It takes a while. It’s a pretty little knife. But she manages. Rey weighs it in her hands. The balance is good. She misses the big stick, but if anything comes to kriff with her, she’ll be ready. She slings her bag over her back and manages to climb a tree, sitting on a comfortable branch.
This will make things easier, she thinks. She wonders how Grogu did it. She wonders if he really knows how, or if it just sort of happened. Maybe it wasn’t even really him. Maybe it was the Force who made the decision. She remembers Luke telling her about the origin of Anakin Skywalker. She won’t ever know, she imagines. It doesn’t really matter. What matters is that it’s a little easier.
She’ll spend the next few days exploring the area, Rey thinks. She’s already spent about two days here, she’s pretty sure, in and out of consciousness. She should get the lay of the land. Then she’s going to work on a shelter of some kind. This planet seems like it would rain a lot.
It’ll be a lonely life. But it’ll be one where nobody will have any expectations of her, and she can’t deny there’s something appealing about that.
Notes:
-yeah, I Daredeviled her, more or less. I think this was the original plan in Duel of the Fates, too, although it’s been something like five years since I read it. I didn’t watch Rebels, but as I understand it, they did something similar with Kanan, so I felt like I had canonical precedent. to be clear, this doesn’t magically give her the ability to read expressions or see details. like I said, I didn’t watch Rebels, but I did definitely think about it in terms of Daredevil, who (if you’re unfamiliar, although if you’re familiar with my body of work, you probably already know I am) sees shapes outlined in varying shades of red as opposed to being able to see clearly the way I might
-by the way, if anybody who’s visually impaired has notes throughout this series, I would love to hear them! I tried to be conscious of what Rey’s situation would mean for her going forwards (she might have a certain type of vision, but she’s still visually impaired), but I am always ready to hear feedback from any group I’m representing
-title is from Bleed Out!
Chapter 5: this is just a momentary ripple in the stream
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
Rey sits in her tree, idly twirling blueish gray leaves around with the Force in front of her when, distantly, she hears footsteps.
Rey freezes, heart plummeting to her shoes. Has Ren come back to finish the job? She fumbles around in her bag until she finds the voice modulator they give standard in the kits, sticking it in her mouth. She pulls her hood up over her face and quietly descends the tree.
Definitely footsteps. There’s a blurry silver man shaped thing walking through the trees. She stalks him, gripping her staff tight. He ducks into a small thicket of trees and Rey follows him only to see he’s disappeared.
Rey senses more than sees the attack coming. She whirls, parrying with her staff. The man steps back and she swings again. He dodges, blocking her next attack. She swings furiously, forcing him back until the man goes to his knees, breathing heavily. Rey holds the stick, jamming it to the back of his head to make sure he understands that-
Clink.
Rey freezes.
Rey spent almost her whole life training to hear what kind of clangs metal makes. She knows this one like the back of her hand, not from rapping on spaceship parts to see what she could sell, but from Grogu idly bouncing a ball off the back of his head when he was bored.
“I’m not here to hurt you.” Din’s voice is steady. “I’m looking for someone. My daughter. Everybody thinks she’s dead. But I needed a body. And even if I didn’t, my son is convinced she’s alive. And he’s convinced she’s here. So one way or the other, I’m not leaving here without her.”
Rey wets her lips.
“She’s not the same as you left her,” she whispers around the voice modulator. “She’s somebody else.”
“I don’t care.” Din’s voice hasn’t wavered an inch, although it’s a little less out of breath. “Whatever shape you’re in, I want you home.”
Rey’s breath catches.
“I know all your moves, Berry,” he continues. “I don’t know why you didn’t know me right off the bat, and I don’t know why you’re warning me that something’s changed because whatever’s changed, however big it is, it’s not that big, because it can’t be big enough for me to turn you away. I want you back. The kid wants you back. Everybody who came with me, everybody who didn’t, they want you back. And if I gotta camp out here for the rest of my life waiting for you, that’s what I’ll do.”
She swallows.
“Who’s here?” She asks quietly.
“Rose, Finn, Dameron, and the kid. Luke and Leia…” Din’s voice gets tight. “Can’t feel you. They’re pretty sure you were dead. Wouldn’t let us go look for you.”
“Nobody lets you do anything.”
“That’s why we’re here.”
Rey’s quiet for a second, then pulls out the voice modulator, dropping it on the ground.
“I’m different,” she says, voice cracking.
“Everybody’s different when they come back from anywhere. You’re not different enough for me to love you any less, kid. That’s just how it is.”
It’s the presence of that word, the word they never say, that makes Rey’s face shake and, all at once, she gives up.
She drops to her knees in the swamp, dropping the staff next to her.
“Din,” she chokes, and hands grapple at her shoulders.
“Hey,” he says quietly. “Hey, Berry. It’s okay. I got you.” Din takes her face in his hands under the hood. “I’m right here, kid, it’s-“
One of his thumbs brushes against her eye cavities and he abruptly falls silent. Rey shakes in silence, staring at the ground, waiting to see what he says next. He pulls the hood back from her eyes and is, for a second, quiet.
“Rey,” he says softly, more devastated than she’s ever heard him.
“Din,” she repeats, this time coming out in a sob.
She hears the helmet drop in the dirt next to him and immediately Din gathers her up in his arms. She crumbles around him, curling up into him as deeply as she can. He holds her tightly, like he’s trying to completely cover her with his body.
“I’m sorry, kid,” he whispers. “I’m sorry.“
”I don’t know what to do,” she sobs.
“Whatever you wanna do. We’ll do whatever you want, okay? Anything you wanna do, anywhere you wanna go. That’s what we’ll do.”
“I don’t know what that is.”
“Then we’ll figure it out.” Din pulls back, pushing the hair out of her face. “Ren?”
Rey nods. “He took my lightsaber.”
“It’s okay. We’ll get you a new one, if you want it.”
“I don’t-“ she snorts wetly. “I don’t think that’s how that works.”
“We’ll figure it out.”
She sniffs again. “Everybody’s here? Everybody but Leia and Luke?”
“Everybody but Leia and Luke.”
“Okay.” Rey fiddles with the hood of her cloak. “Okay.”
They sit in silence.
“Offer still stands, kid,” Din tells her quietly.
Rey’s lips shake. She looks down even though she doesn’t really have to, just on instinct.
“Yeah,” she whispers. “Yeah, okay.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah.”
“Okay. We’ll drop everybody at base, and then we’ll make a plan, okay?”
“I don’t think it’s gonna be forever.”
“It doesn’t have to be at all, if you want. We can go right back to base.”
“No, I can’t.” Rey shakes her head. “I can’t face the two of them right now. I… for so many reasons, I can’t face them right now. I need to be somewhere else. And I can sort of…” she looks around. “I can… sense things, sort of. It’s… I don’t know how to explain it. But I don’t think I can fly. Not yet, anyway. So I can’t go it alone. And I don’t think…” she realizes as she says it. “I don’t think I want to be alone. I don’t think I want that. So I think…”
“You think you wanna come with me.”
“I think I wanna come with you.”
“Okay. Then that’s what we’ll do.” Din shifts and stands. “Come on.” Rey lets him help her to her feet. He gently links their arms together. “You need my help getting around?”
“I don’t think so. But it’s, um. It’s nice to have support.”
“Okay. Wait, hang on-“ he pats down something on his belt and Rey hears the trill of a communicator. “All frequencies. I’ve got her. She’s alive. We’ll meet back at the ship.”
The two of them start walking.
“Are they gonna get in trouble because of this?” Rey asks. “I mean, real trouble?”
“I dunno. Huttslayer’s pretty haggard about losing you.” He hesitates. “Kid, I’ve got some pretty, uh. Pretty on the books disagreements with her about this situation with finding you but… she’s carrying a lot.”
“I know.” Rey’s lips tilt wryly. “Not going to extend the same courtesy to Luke, are you?”
“All Skywalker had to do,” he answers tightly. “Was take you with him when he kriffed off to the far reaches of the galaxy. That’s all he had to do.”
“Din-“
“That’s all he had to do,” Din repeats.
“They felt it, right? They were… I felt screaming.“
“They both hit the deck, yeah. Finn crumpled, too, but not as bad as the two of them and the kid.”
“Yeah. Makes sense. Where did you park?”
“We got another couple minutes.” Din feels steady at her side. “How come only the kid could feel you?”
“I think… maybe I didn’t want anyone else to feel me. I. Oh, I don’t know, Din, everything got so much more complicated once he- and it’s not even that my vision’s gone, Din, so much, as much as it is that he took it from me. I thought I could reach him and he still-“ Rey shakes her head and looks down. “I don’t know what I want anymore, Din.”
“We’ll get you there.” Din nudges her lightly. “Kid’s gonna be really happy to see you, you know? He’s been real antsy.”
“I didn’t think I’d see him again. Any of you. I didn’t know if I wanted to, I-“ Din stops dead. “What? What is it?”
“Things are different now,” he tells her, a little stern. “And I’m not trying to tell you how to feel about it. But things won’t ever be so different that we don’t want to see you. You’re not damaged goods. You’re not broken. You’ve just got to adapt to something new. I wish to all seven hells and back you didn’t, Berry. I wish a lot of things for you. But that’s all this is. It’s just a change.”
Rey purses her lips. “What if I am?”
“You’re not.” Din starts walking again. “I want you to take one look at the reaction that Rose, Finn, Dameron, and the kid are gonna have to seeing you again and tell me you are.” He winces slightly. “Uh. Poor choice of words.”
“No.” She half laughs. “No, it’s okay. I know what you meant.” They’re coming up to a clearing now. “I’m going to be a liability, Din, we won’t be able to-“
“I knew blind bounty hunters. Couple blind Mandalorians, too. We’ll figure it out.” Din reaches out and squeezes her arm lightly. “You never leave a man behind, kid, just cause their circumstances have changed.”
“I see them!” Rey hears Rose shout. “They’re coming up this way!”
Rey freezes, heart in her throat. Din stops with her.
“I can’t do this,” she whispers. “Din, I can’t-“
“Yes, you can. I know you can. Do you remember what I told you, when you were a kid and you got your shoulder stuck through by that pole?”
She wets her lips. “You said I was the toughest girl you knew, and I just had to be brave for a little while longer.”
“It’s still true. They want to see you. And you want to be with them. So come on. Just another few steps.”
Slowly, Rey and Din resume walking.
“Rey!” She hears Poe shout joyously, sees a silvery form rush up amidst several others, near the shape of the Gambit. “Rey, you son of a-“
He stops dead. So do Rey and Din, the air around them suddenly quiet in a way it wasn’t before. She releases Din, takes a few faltering steps forwards but she stops again. She can’t even bear to look at their silvery shapes, and she turns her head away.
Suddenly, someone collides with her, hard enough that she staggers back a couple steps. Someone about Rose’s height has wrapped her arms around her fiercely. A moment later, two other sets of arms wrap powerfully around her. The three of them hold her tight and Rey grapples with them, releasing a sob.
“Hey, Rey,” Finn whispers as they sink to the ground. She reaches out and grabs what she thinks is his arm. It’s different than the others, glowing a light gold.
“Hi,” she whispers, choked. “Hi, everybody.” Somebody, she thinks Poe, shifts a little. Grogu burrows his way in to wrap his arms around her waist. “Hey, kid.”
“I’m sorry we didn’t get here faster,” Poe whispers. “I’m sorry we didn’t-“
“It’s okay.” She knocks their heads together lightly. “It’s okay. You’re here now. I’m sorry you’re gonna get in trouble because of me.”
“Don’t apologize for that,” Rose says, muffled by her shoulder. “Don’t ever apologize for that.”
Finn pulls back a little to rest a hand on her cheek. “Is that it? He didn’t hurt you any worse? Not-“ he winces. “I mean, not is that it, but-“
“No, that’s it.” Grogu pulls insistently on her cloak and everybody pulls back so Rey can scoop him up in her arms, cradling him close. His golden glow is a little stronger than Finn’s, wreathed in light.
“Rey,” he chokes.
“I know. It’s okay. I’m fine.” She squeezes him a little. “Thank you for coming to get me.” She pulls back and rests a thumb on his cheek. To her surprise, it’s wet. “Oh. Oh, I didn’t know you could cry. It’s okay, I promise.” He presses a hand to her face. “No, little man, I don’t think you can fix this. It’s okay. We’re gonna figure it out.” She rests their foreheads together. “It’s gonna be okay. We’re gonna figure it out.”
Someone lightly rests a hand on the top of her head.
“Sooner I can get these three back to the Huttslayer, less likely it is that they’re looking at a court martial,” Din tells her.
Rey wipes her nose. “Yeah. Fair enough.”
Poe helps her to her feet and they approach the Gambit. Rey climbs into her hammock, sitting and fiddling quietly with Grogu’s ear, as Din heads for the cockpit.
“Ren did this to you, didn’t he?” Poe asks, voice full of quiet rage. “You were trying to reach him and he kriffing. He kriffing burnt your eyes out.”
“Yeah.” Rey runs a finger top along Grogu’s ear. “That’s what he did.” She sighs softly. “He took my lightsaber. You should let Leia and Luke know.”
“They’re gonna be really happy to see you, Rey,” Finn tells her. “They were crushed.” She doesn’t say anything. “Rey?”
They’re quiet for a moment before the hammock dips next to her.
“You’re not coming back to the base,” Rose says quietly.
“We’re gonna drop you guys off and then… and then Din and the kid and I are going to go away for a while.”
“Rey, we can help you,” Poe says. “Luke and Leia are gonna-“
“I can’t.” She shakes her head. “I’m sorry. I just can’t. It won’t be forever. I just need… I need to be somewhere else for a little while. Be someone else for a while.”
They’re quiet again before Finn wraps his arms around her shoulders and kisses the top of her head.
“Will you still talk to us?” He asks.
“Of course. I’ll… need a communicator, Ren busted mine. But I would… I would like very much to keep in touch with you.” She tilts her head down. “I missed you.”
“We missed you, too.”
“How did Grogu even let you know I was still alive?”
“Kid woke up a couple nights ago crying your name.” Din had climbed out of the cockpit at some point. “Went straight to Leia who said he was saying you were alive. She thought it was just a dream but the kid was pretty persistent.”
Rey kisses the top of Grogu’s head. “Thanks, little man,” she murmurs.
“Rey,” he answers.
“What are you gonna do?” Rose asks.
“I don’t know. I just… know I can’t be here. I love you guys, though. It’s not you. It’s-“
“You don’t have to explain yourself, Rey.” Poe rests a gentle hand on her shoulder. “We love you, too. Do what you have to.”
Rey covers his hand with hers. “Thanks, Poe.”
Rose leans her head against Rey’s shoulder. “I’m so glad you’re okay,” she whispers.
Rey nestles her head against hers. “Thanks. Me, too.”
Notes:
-I wrote this pretty soon after I decided on this plotline, too
-yeah, I don’t know why she wouldn’t hear him clinking when he walked, either. I like a bit of drama
-Din rarely speaks of Rey and Grogu in terms like “daughter” or “son”, always “Berry” or “kid” and it felt important that he say it explicitly here to Rey. reinforcing to her “yes, you are my children, no, nothing’s changed, no matter the reason you’re camped out here”
-Din dances around telling the kids explicitly that he loves them. I think he alludes to it once with Rey in the third story of the entire verse, and he says it once to Grogu in story four (which I would actually change, if I was doing it now: the meaning would be the same but implied). it doesn’t mean he doesn’t love them, or that they don’t know he loves them, it’s just not something he’s naturally given to saying. but I knew, right off the bat once I started figuring this arc out, that he would say it to her here
-I don’t actually know what it’s like to cry without eyes, but I imagine that the reflex to sob in your chest is not really disconnected from your eyes, so I don’t think there’s tears, but she’s having the physical heaving reaction
-I have been fond of the “we’ll get you a new one” line ever since I wrote it. just pop on down to the lightsaber store
-I also knew pretty quickly that she would take Din up on “offer still stands” after all this
-I don’t think I’ve said this in any other author’s note, but here is a good place to say it: the way Din loves his children is that he much rather would have never met them if it meant they were safe and happy. when he says to Rey in the first arc “I wish you were some spoiled kid growing up in the Core Worlds instead of here” and when he says to her in this chapter “all Luke had to do was take you with him when he fucked off”, in his mind, he is explicitly saying “if you being happy and loved and safe the way I think you deserve meant you never would have had anything to do with me, that’s what I would have wanted for you”. no matter how happy he is to have them in his life, no matter the degree to which they changed him, that’s what he would have wanted. I think both of his children would counter with the fact that they feel happy and safe and loved with HIM specifically, but his mindset on that wouldn’t really waver
-I think Din is the one who really hammers home to her repeatedly that she’s not different on a foundational level for a while. I think she’s rattled, and he really reinforces to her “you’re still my kid. you’re still Rey. having something of this magnitude doesn’t make you any less Rey”
-I can’t tell if I like “be someone else for a while” or not as a line. feels a little implied by the previous line. I’m gonna leave it though
-title is from Until Olympius Returns (Jordan Lake version), and it is a Din title
Chapter 6: i just want to get this whole thing over with. i don’t want to deal with it anymore
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
“Where are you gonna go?” Rose asks.
“I don’t know yet. It’s up to Din. I think I am… I am abdicating responsibility. Of where we go next.”
“What do you want us to…” Poe struggles for a second. “What do you want us to say to them?”
“Answer any question they have. You have to, right? Chain of command?”
“First of all, Luke’s not the boss of me,” Poe answers. “Second of all, I’ll tell them whatever you want me to.”
“I don’t want you to get in-“
“Rey,” Finn cuts in as Rose nods. “We’ll tell them whatever you want us to.”
Rey’s quiet, thinking it over.
“Tell them the truth,” she settles on finally. “As you see fit.”
“Okay.”
The ship shivers, a familiar shiver, the one that says they’re landing. Rey and Rose get to their feet. Poe takes Rey in a bear hug, holding her tight.
“I’m alright,” she whispers.
“No, you’re not,” he whispers back. “But you will be.”
Poe releases her with a slight sniffle and turns down the ramp after tweaking one of Grogu’s ears on the hammock. Finn hugs her next.
“Here,” he tells her, slipping the comlink into her pocket. “Any time you need me. Okay?”
“Okay.”
Finn lets her go and files out. Rose doesn’t hug her this time, but instead tilts their foreheads together.
“You were right,” Rey tells her softly. “I threw away the lightsaber. I didn’t… I didn’t meet him with a weapon.”
“I’m not gonna make a thing out of that,” Rose murmurs. “I’m not gonna make a meal of your good heart.”
“I know. I know that’s not who you are. I just… I just wanted you to know. I wanted you to know you were right.”
Rose rests a hand on the back of her head.
“Don’t let him take that, too,” she tells Rey. “Don’t let him take your good heart.”
“I won’t. I promise.” Rey’s lips tilt. “Din and Grogu won’t let me, even if I wanted to.”
“No. Probably not.” Rose pulls back. “Call me if you need me.”
“I will.”
Rose turns and walks down the ramp. Rey scoops Grogu into her arms and silently climbs into the cockpit. The second the ramp is up, Din starts taking off.
The ship’s communication device crackles into life.
“Mando,” Leia says, and Rey flinches at the sound of her voice entirely involuntarily. “What are you doing? You said you found her.”
“I did.” Din’s voice is calm. “She’s alive. She doesn’t want to stay.”
“What?”
“She doesn’t want to stay. So we’re going away for a while.”
“Din,” Luke cuts in, Rey flinching again. “Bring her back right now.”
“Ask one of them what your protégé did to her,” Din snaps, restraint cracking. “She wants to go and she doesn’t want to be alone. So I’m taking her wherever she wants to run to.”
“At least let us talk to her, Din-“
“I’m sorry,” Rey says, voice cracking and straining. “I am. But I just. I can’t. I need. I need to go. I’m sorry, I just can’t.”
“Rey-“ Luke sounds distressed.
“You talked to her,” Din cuts in. “She’s alive. We’ll see you when we see you.”
Din flips off the communicator and takes her into the sky. Rey quietly hunches in her seat, resting her chin on top of Grogu’s head.
“Should I have done that differently?” Din asks.
“There was no good way to do that,” she answers. “It was good enough.”
Din crests the atmosphere and Rey rears back for a second before leaning forwards, mouth open slightly.
“Are you okay?” Din asks.
The blueish gray is replaced by inky black with stars littered before her, brilliant gold pinpricks scattered across the darkness.
“It’s all gold,” she murmurs, staring in fascination. “Everything… everything is all gold.”
They don’t speak again until they’re set into hyperspace. Then Din stands up. “Come with me.” Rey follows him into the body of the ship. He heads for the back. “Help me bring this chest out.”
Rey gives him a hand, putting Grogu gently on the floor. Din keys in a combination and opens the chest up. He pulls something out and hands it carefully to Rey.
“Called in some favors a couple years ago,” Din tells her. “You don’t have to wear it if you don’t want to, but the full set is there. Had to guess a little on the sizing but it should work well enough.”
Rey runs her hands over the object. It’s cool to the touch, smooth under her fingers. She traces her fingers across it. There’s a slit of some kind, running across it and down-
Rey stills for a second before she pats the ground down until she finds what she thinks is a loose wrench. She lightly taps the helmet, and it makes the same gentle clang that Din’s would if she’d done the same to his.
“How did you find the beskar for this?” She chokes out in a whisper.
“Took me years. I wanted it just in case.”
Gently, Rey rests the Mandalorian helmet on the ground. She stands and wraps her arms securely around Din. He rests his chin on top of her head.
“It would be my honor,” she manages. “Thank you, Din.”
“You do the armor honor by wearing it.” His voice is steady. “You’re a good kid.”
“Is there… is there a ritual?”
“There is. But I am not… I am not who I was when I was with the Watch. And I think… I think maybe we’re two of an entirely different kind of Mandalorian. So just… just wear it with dignity. Wear it with respect. And you’ll be fine.”
“Thank you. I will.” Rey looks down at Grogu. “Couldn’t figure out a setup for him?”
“Earholes in the helmet kept irritating him. That’s what the beskar shirt is for. Bet if we go to Courasis we can find a job.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah. We’ve got certain skills. We might as well put ‘em to use.”
“Yeah, that sounds good.”
“Okay. Courasis it is.”
Din climbs into the cockpit. Rey quietly picks the beskar helmet up and rests it on her head.
It’s more comfortable than she would have expected, but she supposed it would have to be comfortable. Centuries of design have gone into it to ensure that. She looks down at Grogu.
“How do I look?” She asks, voice odd under the helmet.
“Rey!” He answers cheerily.
“Thanks.” Rey kneels down and takes the armor out, piece by piece.
It’s going to fit perfectly, she thinks, even if the actual fitting isn’t quite right.
Notes:
-Luke’s still a general but he’s not really acting like one so while I think there’s respect there from a lot of people he is also kinda just That One Weird Old Guy in a lot of respects and therefore not someone anyone sees with any kind of real authority
-I don’t know how realistic it is that Din would have been able to get his hands on this much beskar. but I knew almost as soon as I started this one that this was where the story needed to go
-chapter title is from The Alphonse Mambo!