Chapter Text
“Johnny! Where did you put my keys? We’re going to be late!” Kel was pulling on his suit coat as he headed towards the front door. Kel never yelled in anger, but he could bellow with the best of ‘em when he was frazzled.
“They’re in your car in the garage, where you left them when you got home.” Johnny came into the living room from the kitchen. “Did you forget you parked in the garage?”
Kel rapidly switched directions and missed as he attempted to kiss Johnny’s lips as he hurried past him. “That’s what I have you for, to remind me of these things.”
Johnny watched Kel glide past him, stupefied.
Kel, noticing Johnny wasn’t behind him, stopped, turned, and puzzled at the look on Johnny’s face. “What!?”
“I give you my all and that’s the best you can do in return? Miss my lips and just keep walking? I see I’m going to have to take you in hand, mister,” Johnny huffed.
Kel grinned as he started slowly inching back towards Johnny. He moved like a mountain lion stealthily advancing towards its prey. “Yeah? I can’t wait for you to ‘take me in hand’ Johnny. And give you MY all! How about if I call Joe and tell him we can’t make it tonight?” His voice was smooth and seductive.
As Johnny began moving backwards, he started to laugh. “Oh, no. We’ve already cancelled on them twice in the last few months.” Kel kept moving closer to him. “We are going and that’s final.”
“They’ve cancelled on us a few times too.” Kel continued slowly moving toward his lover.
Johnny’s laughter faded as he started to become aroused at Kel’s alpha male behavior. He was rapidly losing the desire to try to convince Kel to leave, but he tried one last time to convince him that they needed to make tracks toward the restaurant. “Kel, we are all dressed up and it’s too late to cancel. They are probably already on their way to the restaurant. I’ll make it up to you tonight, when we get home.” Johnny’s voice hinted of passion.
By now, Kel was standing directly in front of Johnny. He said, “oh, yeah,” leaned into Johnny, cupped his hands around Johnny’s face, and kissed him slowly and seductively. Johnny was melting into the kiss when Kel stopped, pulled back and said, “you will definitely make it up to me. By the way, you’re bottoming tonight,” and knuckled Johnny beneath his chin as he turned and moved towards the garage.
Johnny stood there with a surprised look on his face, all worked up and trying to get his libido under control. He heard Kel shout from the garage, “Come on, Hot Stuff, let’s go!”
They met Joe and Dixie at a fancy restaurant for dinner. There was a small dance floor. Kel and Johnny took turns dancing with Dixie when she and Joe weren’t spinning around the floor.
Johnny was dancing with Dixie while Kel and Joe sat at the table talking and watching their loved ones dance.
“So, how are things going, Kel? Johnny settled in?”
“Oh yeah. It’s like we were never apart. I can’t believe how I acted towards him. I must have been out of my mind.”
“You just needed some time, Kel to get your head on straight. Johnny loves you; he always has.”
“He told you about us. I remember when Johnny was injured, you told me that he had fallen in love with me and that he’d been hurting for a long time. When did he talk to you? You never did tell me that story.”
“It was before you came to Rampart. Johnny and I became friends; it’s been about three years now. He confided in me that he was in love with a man. He never gave me your name. He had lost touch with you; he hadn’t heard from you in three years. He was talking about wanting to buy a ranch close to the mountains and raise horses. He said that helping with his uncle’s horses was the only time he was happy on the reservation. I asked him if he had someone in mind to share that dream with and he said, ‘I thought I did, once; I’m not so sure anymore’.”
“Stop, Joe. I don’t think I want to hear anymore. It brings back all the hurt I caused him. That’s a painful time for me now, where Johnny’s concerned.”
“You need to hear it all, Kel. Johnny went through a lot. The least you can do is listen to what he said. It’s how he felt. Johnny said that he had loved you since he was 18. He said he would love you forever, that there would never be another person for him; said he would love you forever even if you didn’t love him. I told him that he was very young still and that there was someone else out there for him if he was willing to look for them.”
“Don’t you think he was saying that because he was so young? Young people are very dramatic, Joe.”
“I think the most profound thing he said was: ‘even though I’m only 22, I’ve lived a lifetime in 22 years. It’s made me an old man in a young body’.”
Kel struggled to catch his breath. Stunned, he tried to wrap his head around what Johnny had said to Joe. Johnny’s hard life of abuse and neglect had left a permanent mark. He had underestimated Johnny so badly from the very beginning. Kel choked up. Joe saw how upset Kel was and continued to speak.
“Let it go, Kel. Don’t dwell on the past. It just takes away from the present. He loves you. You’ve made him incredibly happy these last three months. Just keep loving him. That’s how you’ll both lose those old painful memories.”
When Johnny and Dixie returned and sat down, Kel reached for Johnny’s hand underneath the table. The room was dark as the lights had been dimmed for dancing. He leaned close to Johnny’s ear and whispered, “I love you, Johnny. You are my heart and soul. Never leave me.”
Johnny turned to Kel and looked into his eyes, “I could never leave the other half of me. You make me whole Kelly Brackett.”
Joe and Dixie looked at the two across from them and saw their love for each other pouring from their eyes. He stood up and helped Dixie rise, “We are calling it a night, gentlemen. How about you?”
The four left the restaurant and drove to their respective homes. Two couples shared their great love for each other that night. Joe showed Dixie just how precious she was to him. As Kel loved Johnny, he vowed never to let this incredible man be hurt, ever again.
Johnny was on shift the next day. He and Roy were busy with nuisance calls all morning. Around lunchtime, they were called out for a premature birth. Johnny rode in the ambulance with the mother and hoped that the baby would wait to make his appearance until they got to Rampart. No such luck. ‘He’ turned out to be a ‘she’ who fought her way into the world about five minutes before they arrived at the hospital. She was two months premature but had a set of lungs on her that could rival a bellowing moose. Johnny dried her off, clamped and cut the cord, then wrapped her in a warm, dry blanket, followed by aluminum foil to keep her warm. He got on the biophone to update the hospital.
“Rampart this is Squad 51.”
“Go ahead, 51.” Kel’s voice came on the line. He could hear the screaming baby in the background.
“We have a baby, Rampart.”
Kel smiled. “So we hear, 51.” He could tell from Johnny’s voice that there were no problems; his voice sounded calm.
“Rampart, she was born two minutes ago. She started screaming the moment she came out. She is pink, and dry. She is wrapped from head to toe in a warm blanket and aluminum foil and laying on her mother’s stomach. Her heart rate is 136. The mother is in no distress. She has not delivered the placenta yet. Stand by for mother’s vital signs.”
“Standing by 51.”
Johnny obtained the vitals and reported them to Rampart.
“Vital signs are within normal limits. ETA is 2 minutes.”
“10-4, 51. And our heartiest congratulations, Paramedic Gage.”
A neonatal team was standing by in the ER with a transport incubator already heated. As Johnny came in with the mother and baby, the team took the premature newborn and placed her in the incubator. Johnny gave a report to the neonatologist, who stayed to speak with the mother briefly, then left to accompany the team to the NICU.
An obstetrician was also waiting on the arrival of the ambulance. The OB doctor instructed the ambulance crew to take the mother into a treatment room so he could deliver the placenta. After giving his report to the OB, Johnny left the room. Kel was in the hall ensuring that the mother-baby unit was being taken care of.
He looked up and saw Johnny making his way to his side.
“Well, Dr. Gage, how does it feel to bring a new life into the world?”
“Well, I’ll tell you, Dr. Brackett. I’m glad that I don’t have to do this every day. It’s too nerve wracking! I gladly turn that job over to the ones who do it all the time.”
“Same here. Give me a simple gory bullet hole any day!”
Roy came around the corner as Kel and Johnny were laughing. He was surprised, but glad, to see Dr. Brackett and Johnny laughing together. He thought that they didn’t get along.
“What’s so funny?” he asked.
“Dr. Brackett and I have decided that we’d rather deal with a simple gory bullet hole any day than deliver babies!”
“I’ll go along with that.”
“Duty calls, Doc. I guess we’ll see you later.”
“You guys be careful out there.” Kel told them.
Johnny turned around and gave Kel a smile—and a wink!
When Kel got home that evening, he grabbed the newspaper and sat down at the dining room table. He remembered what Joe had said about Johnny wanting to buy a small ranch near the mountains and raise horses. Kel wasn’t sure he could move that far out as he had to always be within 30 minutes of the hospital. But he might be able to find something closer in where they could still have some horses. He opened the classifieds and started searching. He found three ranches that were 15 acres or less. There was a realtor listed with a phone number. Kel called the number and spoke to the realtor about the condition of each of the ranches. He made an appointment to see all three on his day off, Saturday. Johnny would be on shift, which was good. He wanted to surprise him.
Kel woke bright and early Saturday morning. He wanted to see Johnny before he left for his shift, although they had woken up twice during the night and made love. Johnny always told Kel that he had to ‘stock up’ on Kel’s love before his 24-hour shift.
“Hey, Baby.” Kel came up behind Johnny and wrapped his arms around him.
“Hey, Love. I’m going to miss you. The only thing I hate about my job is being away from you for 24 hours at a time. What are your plans for today?”
“Nothing much. Just going to roam around the house, maybe get the laundry done. I’ll make a breakfast casserole for us to eat when you get home in the morning.”
“I’d rather have you, Love.”
“You always say that on the mornings you have to leave.”
“Not gonna change. Get used to it.” Johnny blew a kiss to Kel and left with a wave.
Kel showered and dressed. He had a meeting at 10:00 to see the first ranch, followed by hourly meetings at 11:00 and 12:00 to see the others.
By 1:00, Kel had seen all three ranches and was on his way home. Thinking about the breakfast casserole he’d promised Johnny, he detoured by the store and bought the groceries he needed to make it. He added some English muffins to the cart to go with the casserole, since he chose a recipe that didn’t have any breads in it.
As he drove home, he thought about all three ranches. All were suitable but two of them were over 40 minutes away from Rampart. One was 30 minutes from Rampart, which would work if the traffic wasn’t an issue. That was a big ‘if’. He didn’t want to make this decision without Johnny’s input. He decided that he would bring Johnny in on his surprise.
While Kel was looking at ranches, Johnny was at the station, finishing the lunch of homemade tacos that Marco had made. He looked around at his crewmates. He’d been with them for a total of four months, not counting the eight weeks he’d been out with his head injury. They were all still getting to know each other.
Captain Dick Hammer was an old warhorse. He was probably a few years older than Kel’s dad. He'd been in the fire department for 30 years. He was gruff and a straight shooter. You always knew where you stood with Cap. He treated his men with respect and they in turn respected him.
Mike Stoker was their Engineer. He’d scored the highest on the Engineer’s exam and was able to choose the station he wanted. Johnny knew the least about Mike. He was quiet and kept to himself. He wore a wedding ring into the station but took it off and placed it in his locker at the start of each shift. It was on his finger when he left at the end of shift the next morning.
Marco Lopez was a lineman. He was good natured, friendly and seemed to be friends with their other lineman, Chet Kelly. Chet was a prankster. He’d been a fireman for seven years. He’d clown around the station, but he was all business on a call. Both men were bachelors.
Roy DeSoto, his paramedic partner, was quickly becoming his friend. He knew Roy was married and had two children. He and Roy worked extremely well together. They had established a rhythm on calls. They were beginning to be able to read each other’s minds on calls and each ‘knew’ what the other needed before having to ask out loud.
Johnny was comfortable with his station mates. He knew he could trust every one of these guys in a crisis. They had each other’s backs. They seemed like nice guys and were all trying to figure out how they fit together. It was a good feeling.
Sunday morning Kel got up and put together the breakfast casserole about 30 minutes before Johnny got off work. It would be done when Johnny walked through the door. He hoped Johnny had gotten some sleep last night. He wanted to be able to take him to see the ranches today. Johnny walked in the door at 8:15. He looked tired. “Rough night?” Kel asked.
“Not too bad. Only two runs, but one was a house fire at 0430 this morning. The family all have some burns. Should be okay, though. Didn’t leave there until after 0700.”
“You want me to wake you at any particular time?”
“If I go to bed by 9:00, I’ll get up at 12-12:30. You planning something?”
“Nothing special. Thought we’d go for a drive later.”
“A drive. Really?”
“Yes, a drive.”
“Okay, what’s up?”
“What do you mean, what’s up?”
“Kel, the last time we took a ‘drive’ it was because I had a meltdown about my eyesight. There is ALWAYS a method to your madness.”
Laughing, Kel sputtered, “That’s not so.”
“It is, too! You never do anything without a reason, or a plan, or a purpose. So, don’t try to tell me that something’s not up. I know you!”
“You know, you are about to ruin a beautiful moment.”
That stopped Johnny short. “A beautiful moment? Kel, if I’ve messed up somehow, I didn’t mean to. I won’t ask you anything else. I’m sorry.”
Kel grabbed Johnny in a tight bear hug. “You could never ruin anything, Johnny. I have something I want you to see later today. That’s all. Don’t be sorry. You didn’t do anything wrong. I’m sorry for upsetting you. I love you.”
Kel kissed Johnny until Johnny was weaving on his feet. “Get your shower. I’ll have breakfast on the table in 5 minutes.”
Five minutes later, Johnny was at the table eating a delicious breakfast casserole and toasted English muffins. Ten minutes later he was in bed, asleep, with Kel spooned up behind him.
Kel and Johnny woke up at 12:30. Kel had not intended to fall asleep but spooned up next to Johnny and feeling warm and at peace, he had fallen asleep too.
“Hey, Baby. It’s 12:30. Are you ready to get up?”
Johnny slowly responded to his lover’s voice. “Mmm- yeah. Maybe. Not really. But, if I don’t get up now, I won’t sleep tonight.”
“Then, rise and shine, Babe. We have things to do, places to go.”
“Yeah, yeah. I’m up.” Johnny rose from the bed and schlumped into the bathroom, where he ran cold water over his face. “I’m up now!” he bellowed.
They were on the road in 10 minutes. In another 20, Kel pulled onto a gravel road leading to the first ranch. It was Sunday, and it had only taken 20 minutes to get to the closest ranch. Once Johnny saw what Kel was trying to show him, he was wide awake.
“What’s going on, Kel? Why are we here?”
“Surprise, Johnny. This is what I wanted you to see. This ranch is for sale. There are 12 acres of pastureland with a stock tank to raise horses on. If you don’t like this one, I have two more to show you.”
“Kel…but what are we looking at these for? I don’t understand.”
“Joe told me about your dream to raise horses on a ranch near the mountains. I don’t think I can go all the way to the mountains, but I found three ranches near the hospital. If I’m within 30 minutes of the hospital, we can do this, Johnny.”
Tears came quickly to Johnny’s beautiful dark brown eyes. “I don’t know what to say. I never expected anyone to do something like this for me.” Tears ran down his cheeks.
Kel took Johnny in his arms. “Then it’s time you did. Johnny, you have a right to live your dreams. I want to be able to give this to you. You mean everything to me. I want you to be happy.”
“I am happy, Kel. As long as I have you, I’m happier than I’ve ever been in my life.” Johnny’s tears ran down his cheeks.
“Please don’t cry. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you. We can leave if you’d like.”
“No, Kel. I’m sorry. This just overwhelmed me. I’ve never had anyone in my life who did something so wonderful for me.” Tears continued to run down Johnny’s cheeks. He sobbed once, wiped his tears from his face with the palms of his hands, and got hold of himself. “I’m alright now. Let’s go see this place.”
After looking at all three ranches, Johnny thought that the first one they saw was beautiful and could work for them. It was also the closest to the hospital. There was a 2-story Spanish style house on the land, and a barn. The house had been built in the 1940’s. The yard needed a lot of work and both house and barn would also need some work, but Johnny knew carpentry from living on the reservation.
“Are you sure this place is the one you want?” Kel asked.
“I’m sure, Kel. Are you sure you want to commute from out here every day?”
“Johnny, I want to do this for you. I’m fine with driving in from out here. It’s beautiful around here.”
“Well then, what’s our next step?”
“We call the realtor tomorrow and put an offer on the place.”
Johnny smiled and reached for Kel. “Thank you, Love. I don’t know what to say. I love you so much.”
The next day, Kel called the realtor and made an offer. As the place had been vacant and for sale for 18 months, Kel lowballed the offer. The realtor told Kel he’d contact the bank that had the mortgage and get back to him. Four hours after he’d made the offer, it was accepted. Johnny and Kel owned a ranch.
A month later, after the survey was completed, the property was appraised, and the home inspector had ensured that the house and barn didn’t have any major issues, they closed on the property. It was theirs.
First, they hired a lawn service to do a major overhaul on the yard. In both front and back, trees needed trimming, the lawn needed mowing, bald areas where the grass had died needed re-seeding, dead plants needed to be removed, and new plants planted. It was a large undertaking that lasted a week. While the yard was being taken care of, Johnny walked the fence line, checking for areas that were down or needing new fenceposts. The wood was old, probably as old as the house. It had been weathered from the hot summers and the heavy spring rains. He found several areas where the wood needed to be replaced. He replaced the fencing that was cracked or outright broken and decided that he would replace the entire fence over the next few weeks. Little by little, Johnny, helped by Kel on his days off, replaced the fence until it was completed.
They had decided to work on the inside renovations first. Johnny worked hard on both the house and the barn to make them livable. Kel had come out many evenings to help Johnny. He was a lifesaver. He taught Johnny how to make the stucco.
“Kel, how do you know how to do so many of the renovations? Where did you learn to make stucco?”
“After my freshman year of high school, I spent the entire summer lazing around. I’d get up at noon and my friends and I would stay in the pool all afternoon. My father was at home one Friday and saw how I was spending my summer. He decided it was time I stopped being idle. The next summer, he got a job for me with the builder who’d built our house. I spent the next two summers working for the guy. I learned how to do a lot of things, like making stucco and applying it. I didn’t have my driver’s license yet that first summer, so my Dad would take me to the job site at 7:30 in the morning. My mom picked me up at 4:30. I was so tired that I’d come home, eat supper, and be in bed by 7:30 every night. I did that for two summers. I think my dad wanted to make sure I developed a strong work ethic. I hadn’t yet decided to become a doctor. That job decided me pretty quickly.”
By the time Kel finished the story, Johnny was on the floor, laughing. “I can just picture you Kel, dragging your butt in the door, a whipped look on your face, and cursing your dad to kingdom come.”
“I have to say I developed a huge respect for manual laborers.”
They had started the inside renovations, beginning with the kitchen and bathrooms. The kitchen was open and airy, with large windows and a breakfast nook. There were two full baths upstairs and a half bathroom downstairs. The downstairs had a large utility room with a door leading to the outside. The room contained a very large and deep enamel farm sink. A small living room leading off the large and open den area would be used as a study. The wide stairs leading to the second floor were made of inlaid Mexican terracotta tile that was also used in the kitchen, dining room, bathrooms, and utility room. A wrought iron balustrade started at the base of the stairs and continued up to the second floor. Wood flooring ran throughout the rest of the house. Floor to ceiling windows all along the back of the house let in natural sunlight. Three bedrooms were upstairs. The master bedroom and ensuite bath took up half of the upstairs.
As they renovated areas/rooms in the house, they would move their furniture into their newly renovated rooms. Once their bedroom was renovated, they moved into their house. By the time that the renovations were completed, there was very little left to move. Reapplying stucco to the outside of the house was the last renovation completed. The roof of the house was made of Mexican red tile and luckily, did not need any work. Two months after they closed, the place was finally finished.
Once the fence was finished, Johnny began looking for and found three horses for sale. In a little over a week, he and Kel were the proud owners of two mares and a gelding, a palomino, a bay, and a paint. He and Kel stood at the pasture fence and looked over their new family. “Johnny, what are their names?”
“The paint is Calico. The palomino is Traveler.”
“Traveler? Like Robert E. Lee’s horse?”
“I don’t know. I guess so. Maybe he likes to go places.”
Kel just shook his head.
“The bay is Hoot.”
“Hoot? What the hell kind of name is that for a horse?”
Johnny laughed. “I don’t know. But I think we’re stuck with it. She is four years old. Maybe she’s a hoot and the name fits her.” They would later learn that Hoot could be cantankerous to the point of nipping if she didn’t get her way. Her name fit her to a tee.
The night before his shift, Johnny got ready to turn in. All the renovations over the previous two months had finally caught up to him, not to mention continuing to work his shifts at the fire department. He was exhausted. He wasn’t sure he was going to be any good on shift the next day.
“Johnny, are you sure you don’t want to take a sick day tomorrow? You look exhausted.”
“I am tired, Kel. But I need to save my sick days for when I really need them. I’ll be okay.”
“Come on Johnny. Let’s go to bed. I think we both could use some rest.”
Johnny and Kel were too tired to do anything but fall asleep, which they did within minutes of each other.
The next morning, Johnny got up and got ready for work. He went over to the bed to kiss his lover. Kel was off for the day, so Johnny didn’t want to wake him. He leaned over Kel and kissed his lips. Kel murmured but didn’t wake up. Johnny left him a love note in the kitchen and left for work.
Kel woke up at 9:00 that morning and was disappointed that he’d missed Johnny leaving for his 24-hour shift. He spent the day completing the finishing touches on the house. He didn’t want Johnny to have to do them when he got home tomorrow. Kel would miss him coming home in the morning as he had to be at the hospital by 7:00.
The crew of Engine 51 were awakened by the wake-up tones at 0630 the next morning. They had not had any calls through the night. The squad had been called out at 0530 for a possible heart attack. Ten minutes after the wake-up tones had sounded, the tones for the engine and squad sounded.
Station 51 accident on Canyon Creek Rd, approximately 1 mile from the Canyon Creek Turnpike exit. Canyon Creek Rd, one mile from the Canyon Creek Turnpike exit. Ambulance is responding. Time out: 0640
Johnny and Roy had just made the squad available when the call came in. Johnny lifted the HT to his mouth. “10-4. Squad 51 responding from Rampart Hospital.”
Johnny and Roy were about 5 minutes closer to the location than the engine. They quickly jumped in the squad and hit the lights and siren as they pulled onto the road. The call was on the edge of their response area.
They made it to their location in about 15 minutes. As they got closer to the scene, Johnny noticed the vehicle on its side. The car looked very familiar.
Chapter Text
“Nonononono.” Johnny started screaming as he recognized the green Lincoln. He was out of the squad before it stopped moving. Johnny ran to the overturned car and tried to open the passenger door. He didn’t notice the tears streaming down his face. “Kel!” he screamed. “Kel, can you hear me? Please don’t do this. Please don’t do this! I need you! Do you hear me? I NEED YOU!”
Roy came running up to the Lincoln with the drug box, trauma box, and biophone. “Johnny, do you know who’s in there?”
Johnny was still trying to get the door open. “It’s Kelly Brackett. Roy, it’s Kelly Brackett!! Help me! HELP ME!”
“Johnny, get hold of yourself. You can’t help him like this. Calm down!” Roy was holding on to Johnny’s shoulders and shouting at him. “Get the Jaws from the squad, Johnny. Hurry!”
Johnny ran to the squad and grabbed the Jaws of Life. He rushed back over to Roy.
“Johnny, you need to calm down. You can’t help him if you’re panicking. You decrease his chance of surviving if you panic. Do you understand?”
“Yeah, Roy, I understand. Now, you gotta understand something. He’s my life, Roy. Ya hear me? He’s my life!”
“Yeah, I think I figured that out.” Roy had been getting the Jaws in place as he was talking to Johnny. “Alright Johnny, start the Jaws.” Johnny did as he was told. He was trying very hard to remain as calm as possible.
The Jaws pulled back the door so that Roy could get inside the vehicle. Johnny stood by, waiting to hear from Roy if Kel was alive. He heard the siren from the engine coming up the road.
Roy was assessing Dr. Brackett. He called his name, then performed a sternal rub when he got no reaction to the verbal stimulus. Kel moaned. Roy checked the carotid pulse and felt a regular but slighted elevated and faintly weak pulse. His respirations were on the low side of normal. His breath sounds were clear and equal. He palpated his neck and back but felt nothing out of alignment. He would take spinal precautions, regardless. He palpated his arms and legs and found no fractures.
“He’s alive, Johnny. Get the backboard from the squad.”
The engine parked behind the squad. Captain Hammer and the crew came over to the car. Cap was directing the guys to pull the battery cables, turn off the engine, and wash down the gasoline on the road. He was also looking for a second vehicle as there were black paint scratches on Kel’s car, as if it had been sideswiped. Johnny had not even noticed the scratches nor considered that there could be another vehicle involved.
Johnny watched as Roy checked the pupils twice. Roy listened to, then palpated, Kel’s abdomen. He waited for Roy to give more instructions.
“Johnny, get Rampart on the biophone. I’ve got vitals and assessment information for you.”
“Roy, how bad is he?”
“He’s unconscious, Johnny; he responds to pain. His vital signs aren’t too bad. His pupils are unequal. The left is dilated and unresponsive; right is sluggish. He has a big hematoma over his left temporal bone.”
Johnny contacted Rampart on the biophone.
“Rampart, this is Squad 51, how do you read?”
Joe Early’s voice came through, “we read you loud and clear, 51.”
“Rampart, we have a 31-year-old male victim of a car accident. He was trapped in his vehicle which is on its side. Vitals are pulse 90, respirations 12, BP 110/70.” He proceeded to give the remaining information. “We are applying a C-collar and taking spinal precautions.”
“10-4, 51. Start an IV with Lactated Ringers at 100cc/hr. Administer oxygen by face mask at 8 liters per minute. What is your ETA?”
“Unknown at this time. Ambulance is not on scene. We are at the edge of our response area. Estimate that ground transport will be at least 25 minutes from time of arrival of ambulance due to morning traffic conditions. Rampart, be advised that the victim is Dr. Kelly Brackett.”
Silence.
“Rampart, did you copy last transmission?”
Joe’s shaky voice came over the biophone, “We copy, 51. We are requesting a helicopter to your location for transport. We will notify you of the ETA.”
“10-4, Rampart.” Johnny’s voice choked up on the last transmission. He verbalized the IV and oxygen instructions from Rampart to Roy. “Johnny, I need the oxygen from the squad. Get it, hurry.” Johnny ran to get the oxygen.
The helicopter landed on the roadway about 25 feet from the wreck, within six minutes of the call from Rampart. Roy and Johnny had Kel packaged and in the stokes before the chopper landed. Roy boarded the chopper with Kel. Johnny wanted to plead with him to take his place but knew he couldn’t handle something happening to Kel during transport. Captain Hammer had notified Dispatch, requesting Sheriff’s Deputies to assist in the search for the second vehicle. He’d been watching Johnny since the engine arrived. He saw the grief and terror in Johnny’s eyes and knew that Kelly Brackett was more than Johnny’s boss to Johnny. He wasn’t quite sure what he would do with that knowledge. He also saw the panicked behavior and Gage’s inability to assist DeSoto appropriately.
The Sherriff’s Department arrived on scene and began looking for the second vehicle. There was a large amount of scrub on the sides of the road that could easily cover a vehicle. Twenty minutes after the teams had started searching, the car was found. The lone occupant in the vehicle was deceased. The interior of the car reeked of alcohol and there were multiple empty whiskey bottles inside. The Sheriff’s Department took over the scene and released the engine.
Johnny had left in the squad as soon as the helicopter took off. He wanted to speed to the hospital, but rush hour traffic slowed him down. He got off the highway and took side streets to the hospital. He’d been canvassing the area for shortcuts and low traffic flow as part of his job as navigator for the squad, but also because it was the area where he and Kel now lived. He managed to cut off 10 minutes from the trip and pulled into Rampart about 20 minutes after the helicopter had landed. He rushed into the ER and started looking for Roy. He saw him exit Treatment Room 1 and come towards the nurse’s station.
“How is he? Is he still alive?” Johnny was shaking but had calmed down somewhat.
“He’s alive. Let’s go to the breakroom.”
“No. I want to be out here, so they know where I am.”
“Dr. Early and Dixie are with him. They are doing everything they can. Dixie told me to take you to the break room. She’ll come out to get you as soon as she can.”
Johnny wasn’t ready for the showdown that was coming with Roy. Unfortunately, he didn’t see any way to stop it. Johnny followed Roy into the break room and stood by the coffeepot as Roy sat down at the table.
“Tell me all of it.”
Johnny did not like Roy’s tone. Roy had no right to demand anything from him. He tried to bring his temper under control. Roy was his partner and had been placed in a difficult position by Johnny’s inability to assist him on the rescue. Making sure his anger was under control he began.
“I fell in love with Kel 3 ½ years ago. I was 18 years old. He was in medical school. We spent a summer together, then he went back for his last year of school, and I moved to California. I didn’t see him again until he was the Medical Director of the ER at Rampart.”
“You were 18? Did you even know your own mind? Did you even know what love is? Johnny, did he prey on you?”
Johnny had never known anger that burned as hot as right then. It bordered on rage. He rushed over to Roy, who stood up, and got in Roy’s face.
“How dare you! How dare you sit there and accuse Kel of being a predator! How dare you presume to know me and what I feel! Who I am and what I do is no concern of yours! My life is none of your business! I don’t owe you anything but I’m going to tell you anyway! I was 18 years old and had been abused by my uncle for 14 years. He beat on me so often that sometimes I thought I’d lose my mind. I had nowhere to go and no one to turn to. My aunt tried to help me. My cousin tried to be a friend to me. That only made him beat me more. My aunt and cousin had to keep away from me to keep the beatings down. He hated me because I was a half-breed. He hated me because I had a white mother. I was so depressed that I felt like I had no way out. I tried to kill myself.
Kel and his father saved me. His father was the doctor that treated me in the county hospital I wound up in. I certainly hadn’t felt any love in my entire life, but the first time I saw Kel, I knew. Three weeks after meeting him, I knew; he was the one! I don’t know how I knew it, but I was positive. We became friends. I felt drawn to him. I wanted to be with him all the time. I had never felt loved by anyone, but I knew what it was as soon as I felt it. Don’t you dare presume to know me based on the short amount of time we’ve been working together.” Johnny calmed down after he had let all his anger out.
“What I need to know is if you still want to be my partner. If you don’t, I want to know, now. I’ll transfer out, go to another station where they can accept me for the good work I do. If you say you’ll still partner with me, then I don’t ever want to hear about any of this from you; ever again. I don’t want to hear that you’ve spread this to anyone else. Am-I-clear?”
Roy was in total shock. He knew Johnny was serious about transferring out. He was astounded at the abuse Johnny had been subjected to as a child. He’d never seen this side of Johnny before. He saw the strength and the character of Johnny Gage standing before him. He was proud of how Johnny had stood up for himself and for Dr. Brackett. Roy couldn’t believe he’d called the doctor a predator. No wonder Johnny blew up. Johnny was right; he’d been out of line. In the space of a minute, all these thoughts went through Roy’s head and clarified in his mind what he needed to do.
“Johnny, I owe you an apology. And I’m sorry for disrespecting Dr. Brackett. I had no idea what your life was like growing up. I haven’t lived in your shoes. What you went through has certainly turned you into a strong person. I don’t want you to transfer. I can’t say that I agree with your choice, but your choices are none of my business. I am your partner. That won’t change.”
Johnny nodded his head. He was talked out and worried about Kel.
Dixie opened the door to the break room and entered, followed by Dr. Early. Both looked solemn.
Johnny faced them, not saying a word. He was too scared to ask.
“He’s alive, Johnny. He has a severe concussion. The skull x-ray shows a linear fracture of the left temporal bone. It’s not depressed. His vital signs are stable. We’ll be taking him for a CT scan in a little bit.” Joe Early spoke quietly.
“What’s the rest of it, Doc?” Johnny knew Joe had withheld news.
“He’s in a coma, Johnny.”
Johnny felt the floor coming up to meet him. Two pairs of arms grabbed him and brought him to the couch. He felt the vinyl beneath him as he came back to himself. Dixie was sitting beside him.
“Johnny, in a few minutes I’m going to take you to Kel. You can stay with him until we take him to CT. We’ll figure out how to move forward later; I know you’re going to want to see him while he’s in ICU. Give me a chance to see if I can figure out something. Joe called his parents. They’ll be here in about 20 minutes.”
“Okay. I want to see him, Dixie.”
Dixie walked with Johnny to Treatment Room 1 and stayed with him as he walked to Kel’s bedside. The backboard and C-collar were gone. Kel looked like he was sleeping instead of the deeply unconscious state he was in. Johnny looked him over, then sat down on a stool that was beside the gurney and took Kel’s hand.
“Talk to him, Johnny. He can hear you. Let him know you’re here and that you’re okay. That’s what he needs to hear from you.”
Dixie left the room. Johnny was alone with Kel.
“Hey, Love. I’m here. I’ve got you. I’m not letting go. Don’t you let go either.” Tears ran down Johnny’s face. He wasn’t aware he was crying. He leaned over and kissed Kel on his lips. “You hear me, Love? Don’t let go. I need you. Your Baby needs you. Our life together just started. We have a lot of things to do together. We have a ranch to run. I don’t want to run it without you. We need to put in the swimming pool you said you wanted. You need to tell me how big you want the pool to be. We have our life to live together, a long life. I’m not letting go. I’ve got you. I love you.” He unknowingly echoed Kel’s words to him six months ago. “Don’t leave me, Kel.”
Dixie was standing outside the door to the treatment room when a middle-aged man and woman rushed into the ER. Dixie overheard their frantic words at the nurse’s station. “We got a call that our son was in an accident. Our son is Kelly Brackett,” the man said. Dixie quickly came over. Betty saw Dixie coming towards them. She held her arms out to Dixie. Dixie grabbed her hands. “Betty. Dr. Brackett, I’m Dixie McCall, the ER Head Nurse. Come with me. Your son is in room 1. I’ll get Dr. Early.”
Betty spoke up. “Is Johnny with him?”
“He is. Go on in.”
Calvin and Betty Brackett opened the door and entered the room. Johnny looked up and saw Kel’s parents. He stood up and hugged Betty as soon as she rushed over to the bed.
“Mom!” Johnny began crying as she hugged him. Calvin engulfed them both in his strong arms. “Johnny, how is he?”
Joe Early walked into the room at that moment. When Johnny saw him, he tried to bring his emotions under control.
“This is Dr Early. Joe, this is Calvin and Betty Brackett, Kel’s parents.” Johnny introduced them.
“Dr. Brackett, Mrs. Brackett, I’m Joe Early. I’m a neurosurgeon. I work with Kel in the ER. He’s stable. He has a linear skull fracture of his left temporal bone. He has some neurological changes from the injury. His vital signs are stable, but he is in a coma.”
Betty looked at Calvin to see his reaction. She didn’t know how serious that was. Calvin showed no outward reaction. “Have you done a CT scan?” Calvin Brackett asked.
“We are waiting on a call from CT right now. It shouldn’t be too much longer. Kel arrived about 30 minutes ago. There was an urgent case in the scanner when Kel arrived, but it wrapped up about 10 minutes ago. They just need to clean the room. It should be any time now.”
At that moment, the phone in the treatment room buzzed. Dixie answered, listened, and hung up.
“CT is ready for him.”
The CT scan showed no bleeding, no midline shift, and no dilatation of the ventricles, all good news. There was, however, mild edema in the left temporal lobe. He was taken from Radiology to the ICU.
Kel remained in stable condition in the ICU. He did not surface from his coma. Joe checked on him several times a day, coming in on his days off to assess Kel’s unchanging state. His Glasgow Coma Scale score remained stable at 8-9 out of a possible score of 15, a poor score. Joe had started Kel on TPN and Intralipids through his IV in an attempt to keep him from losing too much weight. He was thinking about surgically inserting a feeding tube in a few days if Kel remained in the coma much longer. Physical therapy came twice a day to provide passive range of motion exercises to his extremities to prevent contractures. The nurses turned him every two hours to prevent decubitus ulcers from forming over bony prominences. A Foley catheter had been inserted in the ER to monitor his urine output. Kel was oblivious to the care and concern surrounding him.
While Kel remained stable in the ICU, things for Johnny weren’t going well. He remained at their ranch, alone. In the two days he was off, he was unable to visit Kel in the ICU. Joe and Dixie were both very busy, involved in Kel’s care. The ICU nurses would only give information to family. He had no one he could confide in or ask for information. He had not heard from Betty or Calvin. After the altercation with Roy, Johnny had pulled back from him. He felt himself falling into depression. He recognized what was happening and tried to remain positive.
Finally, late in the evening on his second day off, the phone rang. Johnny rushed to answer it.
“Hello?”
“Johnny, it’s Mom. I’m sorry, I meant to call you sooner. I didn’t realize how fast the last two days have gone by.”
“It’s okay. How is Kel?”
“He is stable, sweetheart. There has been no change. Waiting for him to wake up has been interminable. The time has passed by so slowly, yet at the same time, it’s seemed to fly by. Joe said everything else looks good. It’s just that he won’t wake up. I know you want to see him. Maybe I could talk to Joe and see if you can come see him tomorrow.”
“I’m on shift tomorrow. Do you think, maybe, that if we get a run to Rampart, they’d let me see him for a few minutes?”
“I’ll talk to Joe, sweetheart and tell him. He said he would be checking on Kel every day, even if he’s not scheduled to work. He’ll let you see Kel.”
“Thanks, Mom. I’ve been so worried about him.”
“You’ll feel better once you see him, Johnny. I know it’s helped me. I hope to see you tomorrow. Take care, my darling boy.”
“Thanks, Mom. I’ll see you tomorrow, maybe.”
“Gage, can I see you in my office?” Captain Hammer said from his office doorway the next morning. Johnny had just arrived for his first shift after Kel’s accident three days ago. He entered Cap’s office from the apparatus bay. He did not see his crewmates.
“Sure, Cap.”
Johnny sat in the chair across from the desk. The captain closed the door. Johnny was worried. He suspected that Cap knew how he’d behaved on Kel’s rescue.
“I want to talk to you about the rescue involving Dr. Brackett.”
Johnny felt himself tense up. He figured he was about to be fired. He remained quiet, waiting to hear what his captain had to say.
“I watched you at that rescue, Gage. You were out of control. That isn’t like you. You could have jeopardized Dr. Brackett’s chances of surviving that accident. What do you have to say for yourself?”
“Cap, Dr. Brackett is my friend. We’ve been friends for over 3 ½ years. He was my best friend when he was in medical school. I know I lost control, but he means a lot to me.”
“As a paramedic you cannot afford to ‘lose control’. People count on you to help them in their most helpless and worst moments. He could have died, Gage.”
“Yes, sir. I won’t let it happen again.”
“Not good enough. As of now, I am suspending you without pay for the next four shifts. I’ve already called in a replacement for you. Your suspension starts now.”
Johnny took the news like a punch to the gut. In shock, he went to the locker room to get his keys and wallet out of his locker. Roy was there. “What’s wrong, Johnny? You look sick.”
“Captain Hammer just suspended me for four shifts, without pay,” Johnny whispered.
“Four shifts?! I’m sorry, Johnny. I had a feeling this might happen. That’s a long suspension. Look, if you need to talk, call me.”
Johnny just nodded his head that he heard. He walked out of the station, got in his Rover, and drove away. Roy watched him leave and went inside to get ready for roll call. He needed to find out who his partner was going to be.
As Roy stepped into the day room Captain Hammer called him to his office. Roy quickly entered the office and closed the door. “You want to see me, Cap?”
“I think you know what this is about. You see Gage?”
“I saw him. He told me about the suspension.”
“Good. I saw what he was like when the engine arrived. Now I want to know about his behavior before the engine got to the scene.”
“Cap…”
“I’m not asking, DeSoto.”
“It’s complicated, Cap. I talked to Johnny about his behavior while we were at the hospital. I saw a side of Johnny that I’ve never seen before. What he said to me was personal and I won’t repeat it here. What I will say is that Johnny is a man of high moral character. He is so much more than what he has shown us here. I think that he is afraid for us to see the real Johnny Gage. I can’t say why.”
Captain Dick Hammer sat and quietly digested the information that his senior paramedic imparted.
“I stand by my action of suspending him. I had no choice. I think that his behavior was much worse than what I saw when we arrived. I’m glad you arrived ahead of us so that you had time to calm him down, at least somewhat. I’m neither stupid nor blind, DeSoto. And I see what’s in front of me pretty damn clearly. I know what could happen if the crew figures it out before I can get a handle on this.”
“What do you mean, a handle?”
“Gage is a good man and a good paramedic. I don’t like what I see going on here between him and the doctor, but I’m not going to lose a good man because I don’t like his personal choices. As long as he follows the rules of the fire department, I have no problem with him. I don’t think the department would agree with me, but they aren’t going to find out anything if I can help it.
He is suspended for four shifts because of his actions on a call, but I also intend to find out if any of the other three have figured things out as well and if they have a problem working with Gage. If they do, then we will iron out those problems while Gage is gone. I guess from your comments about Gage, that you don’t have a problem with him. Am I right?”
“Yeah, Cap. I don’t think I’ll ever have a problem working with him.”
“I want you there when I talk to the rest of the men.”
The opportunity came after lunch. Cap asked the guys to remain at the table but dismissed their fill-in paramedic. He sent him outside to roll hose. “I’d like to review the call we had last shift where Dr. Brackett was injured. I want to know if any of you noticed Gage’s behavior at the scene.”
“Yeah, Cap, we all noticed it. He was freaked out, man.” Chet Kelly replied.
“I’ve never seen Johnny panic like that on a call. He really lost it.” Marco Lopez added.
Roy interjected, “Johnny has known Dr. Brackett for a few years. They’re friends. Johnny thinks very highly of him.”
“I guess that could explain why he freaked so bad.” Chet responded.
“I don’t think so, Chet. Johnny was more than just upset at a friend being hurt. There’s more to it than that.” Marco argued.
“What if there is? I want to know what each of you think about that. Does it bother you?” Cap asked.
“No, man. I’m cool with it. My uncle has a best friend who’s more than a best friend, if you know what I mean. Besides, Brackett’s alright. If Johnny’s gonna go crazy over somebody, the Doc’s a cool dude to go crazy over.”
“Okay, Kelly’s alright with it. What about the rest of you?”
Marco spoke up, “I’m Catholic. The Church’s teachings go against that. But the church also teaches that we are to love one another as Jesus loves us. I can like the man and not like the behavior.”
“And do you like the man?” Roy asked.
“Yes, I do.”
“Stoker, you’ve been quiet this entire time. Do you want to speak with me in private?”
“No, Cap. I don’t have anything against Johnny. I like Johnny. I think that we could be friends eventually. We really haven’t had a lot of time to get to know him. Who he loves is none of our business. It’s Johnny’s.”
The crew of A-shift at Station 51 had never heard their engineer string so many words together. Cap looked at each of his men, then settled on Roy. “So, are you all saying you trust him to have your back? That you have his back, too? No one has any problems with Gage continuing to work at this station?”
“That’s what we’re saying, Cap. Everyone agree?” Roy asked
“I agree” was heard from three different voices. Cap breathed a sigh of relief. “Thank you, gentlemen. This meeting is over.”
Johnny made his way home in the Rover. He had no memory of the drive out to the ranch. His mind was on what had just occurred at the station. He was unable to see his station mates before he left. He pulled into the drive and parked, then went into the den. He sat on the sofa and thought about what had happened and the possible consequences.
His secret was now out to his fellow crewmen. He wasn’t worried about Roy. Roy had already told him where he stood in the hospital three days ago, the day Kel was injured. Cap was a by-the-book captain. Would he report Johnny to the chief? Was Johnny’s time at the fire department in jeopardy? He thought it was. But, even if Cap supported him, he still had three crewmates he wasn’t sure would want him around. Chet might be okay with it as he seemed very easygoing. Marco and Mike were the two unknowns. He didn’t know Mike well at all, and Marco was very religious. He didn’t think Marco, nor Mike, would be supportive of him staying at Station51. And what about Kel? Had Johnny’s actions jeopardized Kel’s career, as well as his life? Johnny felt his heart seize up. He would not do anything to hurt Kel. He thought about packing up his things and leaving, but the thought of leaving without knowing if Kel would be alright kept his feet planted solidly here.
He thought about not getting to see Kel in the ICU today. He desperately wanted to see him, but he did not want to have to explain to Mom, and anyone else there, why he wasn’t in uniform and on duty. Plus, he was not emotionally ready to handle seeing an unmoving and unresponsive Kel on top of being newly suspended. He remained home, not speaking with anyone. Late in the afternoon, he thought about eating, but he wasn’t hungry. He forced himself to eat a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, then went outside to check on the horses. Spending time with them made him feel better. He stayed outside until dark, then went inside to bed. Maybe tomorrow would be a better day.
After five days in ICU, Kel remained stable and did not require intensive care. He was transferred to the Neuro step-down unit. Here, visiting hours were more relaxed. Family members were encouraged to visit and spend time with their loved one on the unit. It was a known fact that patients in a coma could hear conversations around them. It was the belief that familiar voices and positive and familiar conversation helped to bring the comatose patient out of the coma more quickly.
Kel’s mom camped out in his room. Calvin Brackett rescheduled his afternoon clinic patients and came to the hospital every day to visit his son. Johnny was finally able to visit with Betty being there. Betty had called Johnny to let him know of the move out of ICU. They sat at Kel’s bedside and told stories of the happy times that they’d experienced together. Johnny did not bring up why he did not come by the ICU on the day he was suspended, nor did he let her know of his suspension.
On the third day that Kel had been on the Neuro step-down unit, Betty was bathing Kel’s face and talking non-stop about nonsensical things. Johnny was sitting at Kel’s bedside, holding his hand. He felt somewhat comfortable doing so since the staff were not in the room as frequently as the ICU nurses. Betty finished telling a funny story about Kel as a child, then laughed. Johnny watched as Kel turned his head towards his mother’s laughter and squeezed Johnny’s hand. His heart began to pound.
“Mom, he turned his head. He just squeezed my hand.”
Betty leaned down close to Kel’s face and spoke in a ‘motherly/I’m the boss’ tone. “Kelly, it’s Mom. Wake up, honey. It’s time to wake up.” Kel turned his head to his mother’s voice and his eyelids fluttered.
“Johnny, have the nurse page Joe.”
Johnny ran out of the room to the nurse’s station. “I think he’s waking up. He just turned his head towards his mom’s voice and tried to open his eyes.”
Leslie, the nurse, paged Dr. Early and went to Kel’s room. She assessed his Glasgow Coma Scale; Kel had a score of 13. Dr. Early came in and repeated the assessment. By then, Kel was awake and slowly responding to Joe’s questions. His GCS score rose to 14. He’d been in a coma for 8 days.
“Kel, how do you feel?” Joe asked.
“Tired. What happened, Joe? Did I have an accident?”
“You did, my friend. Do you remember what happened?”
“No.”
“That’s alright. It’s not unusual to be unable to recall the events. You were in a car accident and hit your head. You have a pretty severe concussion.”
“I believe it. My head is hurting pretty badly right now.”
“Let me finish looking at you, while Leslie gets you something for the pain.” Joe turned to Leslie, “give him 5mg of morphine IV every 4 hours PRN for headache.”
Leslie left the room and returned momentarily with the pain medication for Kel then returned to the nurse’s station.
Kel looked around the room and spotted his mother standing near his bed.
“Mom? What are you doing here?”
“Kelly Brackett, where else do you think I’d be with you hurt? I’ve been here for a while. I’ll always be here for you if you’re hurt. I’m glad to see you awake, sweetheart. Your dad will be glad too when he gets here in a little while. You had us all really worried.”
“Don’t worry about me. I’ll be fine.”
“You will be, now. Rest, Son. I’ll be right here.”
As Kel turned his head to a more comfortable position, he saw another person in the room. After a few seconds, he recognized the man.
“Johnny? What are you doing here?”
Johnny had been watching Kel while he interacted with his mother and Dr. Early. He felt relief seeing Kel respond to each of them and carry on a conversation. When Kel asked him why he was there, Johnny became confused.
“I’m not on shift today.” Johnny still hadn’t let anyone know that he’d been suspended for four shifts. His second suspended shift occurred yesterday.
“But why are you here? Is there some reason for you to be here?”
Now thoroughly confused, Johnny asked, “some reason? I’m… here because I love you, Kel. I’ve been crazy with worry about you.”
“Johnny, I haven’t seen you in three years. We haven’t been together for a long time. I don’t love you.”
Chapter Text
Joe listened to the conversation and watched Kel’s face. Kel believed what he was saying. Turning to Johnny, Joe saw Johnny’s confusion turn to heartbreak. He was shaking. He was in shock. Joe spoke quietly to Betty and Johnny.
“Betty, can you take Johnny down to the ER breakroom? Get him some coffee and ask Dixie if she can remain with you until I get down there. Johnny, give me a little time to assess Kel more thoroughly. I’ll come down there as soon as I’m finished here.”
Betty went to Kel and kissed him. “I’ll be back in a little while, Kelly. I love you.”
Betty led Johnny from the room and to the elevators. He was on automatic pilot. He couldn’t speak. His mind was blank. As they arrived in the ER, Dixie saw them walk in; she noticed Johnny’s demeanor.
Betty motioned Dixie to her. Dixie asked one of the senior nurses in the ER to take over and followed Johnny and Betty to the break room. Betty told Dixie what had occurred upstairs and went to call her husband. Dixie got a cup of coffee and added several spoonfuls of sugar to it.
“Johnny, I want you to drink this. You won’t like it but drink it anyway. You need it.”
As Dixie made him drink, he sat in a stupor. He didn’t know what to do. He couldn’t think straight. He felt like he was coming apart at the seams. His world had come crashing down around him.
Betty talked with her husband and returned. Johnny had no idea how long they sat there. It could’ve been hours, or just seconds. Time stopped for him. He didn’t give his problems a thought. All that was on his mind was Kel. He was afraid for Kel.
“Johnny. Sweetheart, please, don’t think the worst. It can be fixed, whatever it is. The most important thing is that Kelly woke up from his coma. Let’s just focus on that for now. Joe will have good news for us, I’m sure.”
Dixie remained beside Johnny. He grabbed her hand and held tightly to it. Betty held tightly to his other hand. He tried to think his way through the mire. Yes, it was good news that Kel had come out of the coma. And it was good that Kel remembered him just as he remembered his mother and Joe. But his memory of Johnny was over three years ago. Things didn’t line up. How could he have lost all of his memories of the two of them together but remember Joe Early, who Kel had met a year ago. Nothing made sense. Kel didn’t have any recent memories of their life together. What if his memory loss was permanent? Now, he wasn’t just afraid for Kel. He was afraid for himself, as well.
Joe finally arrived in the break room. Johnny couldn’t tell anything from Joe’s demeanor. His face was closed. Johnny sat and waited for Joe to talk.
“I completed several tests on Kel. He remembers all of us, but his memory has some blanks in it. Based on his answers, I think Kel has something called post-traumatic amnesia, particularly retrograde amnesia. He can’t remember anything that happened from the accident going back about ten or eleven months. He’s also having trouble with numbers, particularly math calculations.”
“How can that be, Doc? His memories of me are from three years ago. He said he hadn’t seen me in three years. How can he remember you from as early as a year ago, but not remember how he feels about me? He doesn’t want me around, Doc. I love him and he loves me. I want to help him. What do I do?”
“For now, Johnny, nothing. But I think you fall within that line of ten or eleven months that he doesn’t remember. Remember, he said he hadn’t seen you in three years. That brings him forward. He’s been here about a year. I’ve ordered another head CT on him. They were taking him to Radiology when I left the floor. How we treat him for this depends on what the scan shows.
I’ve only done a preliminary exam on Kel. This is a fluid situation. Things are probably going to change a lot over the next several days. I’m heading down to Radiology now. Let me look at his CT, and I’ll talk with you all some more.”
Kel’s dad arrived in the ER a few minutes later.
“Hi, sweetheart, Johnny, Dixie. I ran into Joe coming in. He was on his way to Radiology. He told me what’s going on. I told him we’d be up in Kel’s room. He’ll be there as soon as he looks at the CT scan.”
Dixie turned to Johnny. “I don’t want you to worry. Kel’s feelings for you are strong. There is no way that he will forget those memories. Stay strong, Johnny. I’ll come up when I get off work, if it’s not late.”
Johnny hugged her. “Thanks, Dix,” he whispered.
Johnny, Calvin, and Betty returned to Kel’s room to wait.
“What does all this mean, Calvin? Does he think Kelly has brain damage? I don’t understand any of this. How can he know us but not remember that he loves Johnny?”
“Joe doesn’t know at this point, Betty. Kel’s first CT scan didn’t show anything abnormal except for some swelling in the part of the brain where his skull was hit during the accident. Nothing may show up on this scan either. The brain is a last frontier, so to speak. As doctors, there is a lot we’ve discovered about it, but there is much more that we don’t know about the workings of the brain.”
Joe walked through the door to hear Calvin’s last statement. “He’s right, Betty. The brain, particularly the mind, is still a great unknown. Kel will be back up in a few minutes. I’ve already spoken to him. The CT scan is unchanged.” He saw Johnny’s confusion and turned to speak to him directly.
“Johnny, CT is a wonderful tool, but it doesn’t have the capability of showing us everything in microscopic detail. Kel suffered a severe concussion and a traumatic brain injury. There are minute tears of tiny blood vessels and brain tissue that can’t be seen by any technology we have today. The edema in his brain is the body’s normal response to the injury. It tells us that there is serious harm to that area of his brain. Can he recover from it? Yes, and he most likely will, but it’s going to take some time. We will start him on medication to help his processing and sort of jump start his ability to remember. But he is going to need rehab to help him recover his memories.
This is where it’s going to be very hard, particularly for you, Johnny. We are going to have to let Kel set his own pace. Pushing him to remember before he is ready is going to slow down his recovery or even stall it. His memory of loving you is gone. I wish I could tell you that he’ll regain that memory. The fact is I can’t. I think he’ll regain it. Post-traumatic amnesia is very common in head injuries. It’s not usually as severe as what we are seeing with Kel. Most people fully recover their memories. However, it’s not a guarantee. Kel may recover all his memories, bits and pieces, or he may never remember any of them. I wish I could give you more hope. You are going to have to be incredibly patient, Johnny. Based on his injury, I would expect that he’ll recover his memories over the next three months, possibly a bit longer.”
“Joe, you talked about rehab. Where would he receive that?” Calvin Brackett asked.
“Actually, there’s a neuro rehab unit not too far from here. It’s located in Inglewood. They specialize in patients with traumatic brain injury. I’m on staff there and will be overseeing Kel’s rehab.”
“I know the place, Joe. It’s only 15-20 minutes from our house. When would you send him? Will he stay there the entire time? Would he be able to switch to out-patient treatments at some time? Could he stay in our home for part of the treatment? It’s his childhood home.”
“Kel is physically stable. I’d like to send him in the next day or two. We aren’t doing anything for him here that they can’t do for him there. I brought up the idea to him downstairs. I told him to think about it and get used to the idea. I didn’t give him a choice. He seemed accepting of the idea, at least downstairs. We’ll see if he’s developed any opposition to going in the last few minutes. As for his stay, he would need to be in the in-patient rehab unit for about six weeks. After that, another six weeks, possibly, in out-patient rehab. I think staying with you and Betty during that time would be the best place for him. Being in the home he grew up in will decrease his stress. That will help him recover his memories more quickly.”
Johnny listened to the conversation between Kel’s parents and Dr. Early. He wanted Kel to recover and if that meant him living elsewhere, so be it. He wanted what was best for him. Kel was the only person who mattered. But Johnny felt like things were spinning out of control. He’d not been part of the conversation nor included in any of the important decisions. He felt hurt and left out.
“I think I better leave before he gets back here. He didn’t want me around when he saw me earlier.” Johnny walked to the door. Just as he exited, he heard Calvin tell him, “Don’t lose faith, Johnny.”
‘It feels like I’ve already lost him.’ Johnny thought to himself.
After Johnny left, Betty looked at the two men with her eyes full of tears. “I’m worried about him. He’s not taking this well. He received a lot of bad news today. He’s very fragile right now. He hasn’t even been back at work that long. I think he believes he’s already lost Kel. He’s going to go home to their empty house. That is the last place he needs to be. If we don’t do something, we are going to lose Johnny.”
Her words would turn out to be prophetic.
Kel was transferred to the Neuro Rehab Center the next day. It would be a long journey back for Dr. Kelly Brackett.
Kel’s days were very structured. His mornings began with medication to help his memory. Cognitive exercises to orient him to time, place, and situation occurred each morning, upon rising. He was able to perform self-care in hygiene, dressing, and eating. He spent time in physical therapy and occupational therapy early every morning. Late morning sessions were spent in group therapy and cognitive training activities, especially problem-solving exercises. This rounded out his mornings.
After lunch, Kel received functional skills training (activities of daily living) such as cooking, laundry, and money management. The latter was especially important. As many as a third of traumatic brain injury patients had difficulty understanding monetary value and performing math calculations. Kel was one of those people. Late afternoon saw residents enjoying leisure activities. All activities were supervised.
Late afternoon activities included relaxation techniques and stress management. Social activities were encouraged. Here, family members were welcome to visit their loved ones. The center’s philosophy stated that seeing familiar family members aided in recovery of lost memories. Calvin and Betty were there every evening.
At the end of the day, the doctors or therapists reviewed with each patient their progress. Joe met with Kel every evening.
Kel was exhausted at the end of each day. But he was improving, slowly. Memories were beginning to return. He remembered being contacted by Rampart and offered the position as the medical director of the ER. It was a snapshot memory, like a picture in his brain. He felt like he had holes in his brain, where a memory would slot itself in.
Unfortunately, the few memories he had of Johnny were negative. He remembered the conversation where he told Johnny that Johnny didn’t mean anything to him anymore. He remembered calling Johnny an amateur. He didn’t give Johnny a second thought.
Sixteen days after Kel’s accident, Johnny returned to work. He hadn’t been notified by the department that he was being dismissed or transferred. He was nervous about the reception waiting for him from his crewmates. He entered the apparatus bay. It was empty. He went through to the locker room and found Roy, Marco, and Chet donning their uniforms. They greeted him, slapping him on the back, welcoming his return. There was no water bomb in his locker. He looked at Chet. Chet said, “The Phantom isn’t here today. He said to tell you that he would be back next shift, most likely.” Johnny smiled.
He finally relaxed his tense muscles. After changing into his uniform, he walked into the day room. Mike was sitting at the table reading the newspaper. He looked up and said, “welcome back, Johnny. We missed you.” He went back to reading his paper. Cap came into the room and called everyone for roll call in the apparatus bay. He dispensed chores for everyone, “DeSoto and Stoker, hoses, Kelly dorm, Lopez day room and apparatus bay, Gage latrines. I’ll cook today. I’ll need two bucks from each of you. Everyone, get going.”
As everyone dispersed, Cap called to Johnny, “Gage, welcome back. Come to my office.”
Johnny followed Cap to the office. He was nervous.
“Gage, everything is copacetic. The guys and I had a meeting the day you started your suspension. They have no problem with you. They trust you to have their backs and they have yours. The department knows about your suspension, of course, but they don’t about anything else. It’s going to stay that way. Kapish?”
“Yeah, Cap. Kapish. I’m grateful, but I don’t understand.”
“It’s simple, Gage. You’re a good paramedic. I’m not gonna lose you to some bureaucratic BS. I can’t say I agree with your choices, but I refuse to lose you because of them. You follow the department rules and regs and everything will be fine. Now, get outta here and get to cleaning.”
“Yes, sir!” Johnny jumped up and prepared to clean the latrine.
“Oh, wait, I need two bucks from you for meals.” Johnny handed over two dollars and hurried out the door.
Johnny was relieved about keeping his job, but he was concerned about his money situation. He’d missed a full paycheck. It would be another two weeks before he would receive his next paycheck. He would go for a whole month without a check. Johnny had some money, but not much. He was not making ends meet.
Betty called Johnny every Friday to let him know about Kel’s progress and the improvement in his memory. She told him that she and Calvin visited him every evening, as the center encouraged visits from the patients’ families. Betty also gave him the date that Kel would be discharged to their home and enter out-patient rehab for six weeks. Johnny understood what she was saying and was glad Kel was recovering well, but all it did was focus on the fact that Kel still didn’t remember the love he felt for Johnny. Nothing had changed for Johnny. Kel was still lost to him.
At the end of the six-week in-patient stay at the rehab center, Kel was discharged to his parent’s home. The plan for him was to continue to come to the center Monday through Friday from 8-12 for the next six weeks. Betty drove him to and from the center every day.
A couple of weeks after his discharge, Kel and his mom sat in the living room late one evening. Kel’s eyes swept the room.
“Thanks, Mom, for bringing me here. It’s nice to be here instead of in my quiet house all by myself.”
“It’s good to have you here, sweetheart. What about your neighbors? Don’t they keep you up at night?” Betty was referring to the coyotes that roamed their pastures at night. Kel had not gotten used to their yipping and howling every night.
“My neighbors have always been very quiet. They’re elderly and go to bed early every night.” Kel was referring to his neighbors at his previous house that he’d sold.
“What about you, Kelly? I kind of had a feeling that you were seeing someone. Do you have someone special?” Betty continued testing the waters.
“I’m not sure. I think I had someone for a while, but I don’t really remember. I can see a faint shadow of someone at times and I know that he was special, but I can’t see the face clearly.”
“I’m sure it will come to you. You have come a long way, Kelly, from where you were two months ago.”
“Maybe. But right now, I think I’d like to take a nap. I’m a little tired.”
That evening after Kel had gone to bed, Betty told Calvin about the conversation she’d had with Kelly. She asked his opinion.
“Betty, we can’t push him to remember Johnny. Progress must be at his pace. I don’t want us to undo all that he has managed to achieve.”
“I agree, Calvin. But Johnny has not been able to be a part of Kelly’s recovery. I know it has taken a toll on him. I can hear it in his voice when I talk to him on Fridays. What do you think about inviting Johnny for dinner on Sunday evening?”
“As long as he can keep from telling Kel about their feelings and their life together. Do you think he can do that?”
“Of course he can. He soaks up the information about Kelly every week. He doesn’t talk about himself, at all. Everything is about Kelly.”
“Let me talk to Joe first. We’ll let him make the decision on this. I’ll call him from my office tomorrow, then let you know what he says.”
Calvin spoke with Joe the next day and told him everything that Kel had told his mother, including not remembering the ranch. “Actually, I think it’s a good idea. Kel has made great strides. He’s coming along well. I’d say he might be ready to return to work in another month. The only outlier here is Johnny. I have one caveat and that is I’d like to be there in case Kel has problems with it.”
“Not an issue, Joe. Bring Dixie with you. I’ll have Betty call Johnny and set it up.”
After Calvin called his wife with Joe’s response, Betty got on the phone to Johnny.
“Johnny, it’s Mom. I’m calling to invite you to dinner on Sunday evening. Can you come?”
For a moment, hope glistened in Johnny’s eyes. “Does he remember?”
Betty recited her conversation with Kel the day before. Johnny’s eyes lost their shine. Then she told him about her idea of bringing Johnny to the house and Joe’s agreement that it was a good idea. He agreed to come for Sunday dinner, then Betty gave him a full report of Kel’s improving mental health. He felt a small ray of hope but would not let himself get too excited. He’d been disappointed too many times in the last two and a half months.
As things continued to improve for Kel, Johnny’s situation was going downhill. Johnny wasn’t sleeping at night. He was concerned about money issues. He was still not making ends meet. While he’d been suspended, he’d also been unable to work any overtime, so the money situation had become dire. He managed to send money to his Aunt Jean for the past two months, but he didn’t know where the money was going to come from next month. He’d fallen behind on most of the bills. He was trying to catch up, but he didn’t make enough money to pay all of the expenses. He was unable to pay the monthly mortgage payment on the ranch both last month and this month. Same for the power company. His cash was almost gone. He’d found a few dollars in change in the sofa. Johnny didn’t have access to Kel’s bank account but wouldn’t have used Kel’s money even if he’d had access to it. He’d received notices from the power company and the bank that held the mortgage. He had 30 days to pay both bills in full or his power would be turned off and his home would be foreclosed on. He paid the phone bill as it was his lifeline to work.
Between not eating from depression and little money to buy food, Johnny had lost close to 15 pounds from his already slender frame. If he’d seen himself in the mirror, he wouldn’t have recognized the scarecrow looking back at him. He didn’t sit in the day room with the guys at the station any longer. He didn’t want them to notice how haggard he looked. He made the effort to joke and clown around at the station, hoping to keep the guys from seeing what he didn’t want them to see. So far, it was working, but he didn’t know how much longer he could keep it up.
Saturday Johnny was on shift at the station and the calls started at the beginning of their shift. The squad was kept busy, responding to call after call. The engine had been almost as busy as the squad. They all got a break starting at 1500 hours. They were able to eat the sandwiches that Chet had prepared and left in the fridge. Their downtime continued until 2000 hours that evening when the entire station was called out to a factory fire. They returned to the station at 0730 the next morning. All the men were ready to drop. B-shift was on scene, so all of A-shift left as soon as the units returned to the station. Johnny went home and straight to bed.
He woke up at 4:00. He was still tired, but a shower revived him. He dressed in a pair of jeans that used to fit snugly but now hung on his hips. He threw on a t-shirt and buttoned up a long-sleeved shirt. He’d been cold a lot lately. He grabbed a jacket and shot out the door. It was a 30-minute drive to the Brackett home, and Johnny had to stop for gas. He paid for the gas with the remainder of the cash that he had on hand. His next paycheck would be in a little over a week.
Johnny arrived at the Brackett home a little after 5:00. He saw Dr. Early’s car in the drive. Johnny parked his Rover on the street and walked up to the front door. Betty answered and saw that it was Johnny.
She smiled at him and ushered him inside. She looked at Johnny for the first time in two months and lost her smile. Trying to hide her shock, she quickly grabbed Johnny and hugged him. She could feel his thin frame beneath her fingers. Her heart started to pound.
“Come in, darling boy. I have missed you. Everyone, look who’s here!” As Johnny turned towards Dixie, Joe, and Calvin, Betty looked at them with a worried frown on her face. The three were shocked at the Johnny they saw, and all were immediately concerned. Kel entered the living room from a different direction and saw everyone’s expressions.
“What’s going on?” he asked. He saw Johnny standing in the living room. Betty had told him that Johnny was coming over for dinner. Kel didn’t want him here, but it was his parents’ home, and they could invite anyone they wanted. Kel didn’t notice Johnny’s emaciated appearance as he didn’t pay much attention to him at all.
“Kel,” Johnny breathed. “It’s good to see you again.” Johnny drank in Kel’s presence. He looked wonderful. He looked like Johnny’s lover again. Johnny stood there looking at Kel; he couldn’t get enough of him.
A brief nod from Kel was his only concession to Johnny’s appearance in his parents’ living room.
Kel, looking over to his parents, continued, “well, are we all going to just stand around, or are we going to have dinner?” He didn’t look at Johnny but turned and entered the dining room.
Tears immediately sprang into Johnny’s eyes. This was the ultimate blow that finally drove him to his knees. He hadn’t seen Kel in three months. Kel had ignored him, didn’t care anything about him, much less love him. He knew that all hope was gone now. As he tried to keep the tears back, Johnny turned and headed to the front door. Betty grabbed him. He turned to face her.
“I can’t stay. He’s never going to remember. He’s treating me like I’m nothing. I’m sorry; I have to leave.” Dixie was watching Johnny and Betty. Joe and Calvin were watching Kel, who remained seated at the dinner table. “Kel, do you remember Johnny?” his father asked him.
“Yes, why do you ask?”
“Take a good look at him and tell me what you see,” his father continued. He didn’t blame Kel for any of this.
Kel looked at Johnny and saw the tears in his eyes. His mother and Dixie were standing at his side, talking to him. Then Kel noticed Johnny’s appearance; he looked emaciated. Johnny had never looked that way before. A memory started to form in his mind. He couldn’t fully grasp it. He thought it was Johnny and himself laughing, standing in front of a house with three horses nearby. The image disappeared when he heard a door slam. He saw his mother crying and his father go to her and hold her. He saw Dixie rush out the front door.
Joe sat down beside Kel. “You had a memory, Kel. What did you see?”
“I’m not sure. I saw Johnny crying at the front door and Mom and Dixie were talking to him. I noticed how thin he looked and remembered thinking that he was never that skinny before. Then an image came to me, fuzzy. I think it was Johnny and me. I’m not sure. As I was trying to bring it in focus, I heard a door slam and the image left me.”
“Do you recall anything else?”
“We were standing in front of a house I’ve never seen, with three horses. That’s all I remember.”
“Do you have any other memories of Johnny where you two are together?”
“No. What does it mean?”
“It means that you had a life, and Johnny was in it in some way, before your accident.”
“Why was he crying, Joe?”
“I can’t tell you that, Kel.”
“Were Johnny and I in a relationship? I’ve had the feeling that I was in a relationship with someone but don’t know who it was. I couldn’t see the person’s face. If it was Johnny, why don’t I remember? I’ve remembered almost everything else.”
“How do you feel about Johnny?"
Kel sat quietly and looked at Joe. “I have a feeling you’ve asked me that question before.”
“So, answer it.”
“Right now, I’d have to say that I don’t have any feelings for Johnny. I don’t hate him; I don’t love him. I feel nothing for him. Now answer my question; I have almost all my memories back. Why don’t I remember having any feelings for Johnny?”
“I’ve never come across this, Kel. I can only surmise that memories and emotions are very different for you. Many of your memories have returned but the memories that cause deep emotions in you haven’t. Maybe it’s something about you, how you feel, specifically in terms of Johnny. Maybe it’s going to take more for those memories to return. Maybe it’s going to take deep emotion where Johnny is concerned to bring those memories back. That’s all speculation, Kel. I have no idea.”
Dixie tried to talk to Johnny. She stopped him on the walkway. “Let me go, Dixie. I can’t talk right now. I want to be left alone. Please!” Johnny felt the tears building up in his eyes. He needed to get away from here, quickly.
“Alright, Johnny, for now. But I will call you tomorrow. He’s going to remember, Johnny. I’m positive. I’ve known Kel for over four years now. He’s going to remember. Don’t give up, Johnny.”
Johnny didn’t remember the drive home. He tried very hard to maintain his composure while he drove. When he pulled in the drive, he sat in his car and cried. He fell asleep and didn’t wake up until morning. He went into his house, bagged up his clothes, and placed them in his car. He bagged up the few remaining clothes of Kel’s that were still in the closet. Most of Kel’s clothes were at his parents’ home now.
He didn’t have the money to pay for the ranch and knew that all assets, the furniture, the horses, everything, would be seized to pay the bill upon foreclosure. He was glad that the pastures were full of graze for the horses. He could not stand to see his beautiful animals wither away. The thought of losing them made him start crying all over again.
Johnny stayed inside the house Monday. He’d pulled his Rover behind the barn. He didn’t want to see anyone. His phone rang multiple times. He figured it was Dixie, but he didn’t want to talk. He took the phone off the hook. There was no food in the house, but he wasn’t hungry anyway. He slipped into a twilight world, where nothing got to him. He would remain there until he got up for work the next morning.
Johnny arrived at the station about 15 minutes before shift. The engine and squad were both gone. He went into the locker room to change into his uniform. He cinched his belt up as tight as it would go. His pants were still loose. He put on his jacket to cover up his thinness. The engine and squad returned about five minutes later. After change-of-shift and roll call, the captain called Johnny into his office.
“Gage, close the door.” Johnny shut the door.
“Johnny, you look terrible. Are you sick? Do I need to call in a replacement?”
“I’m fine, Cap. Just had a rough night last night. I’ll be alright today.”
“I feel like I ought to send you home, Gage. You look like a puff of wind would knock you over.”
Just as Johnny began to respond, the tones sounded for the entire station.
Station 51 was called back to the scene of a factory fire that the previous shift had just returned from. Upon arrival, they found the four-story factory in flames. Areas were burning that had not previously caught fire.
The battalion chief came across the HT, “Squad 51, we have a report of two missing workers in the section of the building where the new fire has broken out. They were last reported on the fourth floor, south end of the building. Make a quick sweep and get out.”
Johnny radioed back, “Squad 51, 10-4.”
Johnny and Roy donned their turnout coats and SCBAs and tested their equipment as they ran towards the building. Both men made their way to the fourth floor’s south end. Roy motioned to Johnny to go right while Roy went left. Roy found the men, one was alright, the other had a large laceration on his thigh. Both men indicated that they were able to walk out. He removed his mask, gave them each a puff and said, “Let’s go.” He came upon Johnny heading his way. Johnny saw the two men and Roy’s thumbs up and indicated that he would follow them out. After giving the okay sign to Johnny, he moved out. Johnny grabbed the HT and reported in. “HT 51, two missing men found in the south section on the fourth floor. Four men on our way out.”
He heard Stoker respond, “10-4 Squad 51.”
They made it down to the first floor and were almost out of the building when Johnny heard a far-off sound. He stopped and listened for a few seconds. Immediately, he knew what it was. He grabbed his HT, removed his mask and began shouting, “floors collapsing. Go, go, go!” Roy began running, the two men behind him following. Johnny didn’t stop to replace his mask but started running behind them. The sound grew louder as they ran. The first three men made it out just as the structure came down. Johnny was caught in an avalanche of concrete, rebar, and dust.
Chapter Text
If Johnny had been any further inside the building, the collapsing structure would have killed him. However, he was caught at the periphery of the collapse. He was buried but a large slab of concrete landed at an angle and prevented him from being crushed by tons of debris.
Roy cleared the building but stopped outside to look back when he heard the building coming down. He no longer saw fire. It had been snuffed out by the collapsing structure. He saw Johnny buried by falling debris and ran back towards the building.
“Johnny! Can you hear me?” he shouted.
Captain Hammer came running over. “Did you see where he went down?”
“Yes! He’s underneath that large slab. It kept him from being crushed. He’s got to be alive under there!”
“We’ll get him out.” Cap grabbed his HT. “HT 51 to Battalion Chief. I have a paramedic trapped under debris just inside the building. We need help digging him out. Respond another ambulance.”
“10-4, HT 51. Help is on the way.”
Within a minute Engine 51’s and Engine 36’s men were at the site, digging out their fallen man. The process was going too slowly for Roy DeSoto. He needed to get in there and assess Johnny. But until the crews could dig out enough debris, they couldn’t access him. Roy got on the biophone to Rampart.
“Rampart this is Squad 51. How do you read?”
“We read you loud and clear 51.” He heard Dr. Early’s voice.
“Rampart, we have a 23-year-old paramedic trapped in a building collapse. Unknown injuries. We are still digging him out. This call is for information only. The paramedic is John Gage.”
“10-4, 51. We are standing by.” Joe Early knew exactly who the injured paramedic was before Roy had told him, based on the tension he heard in Roy’s voice. He felt tears close to the surface. Would Johnny ever get a break? How much more was he supposed to take? He prayed that Johnny was not seriously injured. Joe saw Dixie coming towards the nurse’s station. She saw a hint of tears in her lover’s eyes.
“Joe? Is it Kel?”
Joe shook his head, “Johnny.”
“Bad?”
“Don’t know. He was caught in a building collapse. They’re still digging him out.”
“How much more is it going to take to break him completely, Joe?”
“I think he’s already there, Dix.”
At the scene, the digging was proceeding. They were almost to Johnny. Roy had all his equipment set out. The backboard was ready to slide under Johnny as soon as he was clear of the debris. Then came the words he’d been waiting to hear.
“He’s free. We’ve shored up the slab, but we need to move him out of here fast. Don’t know how long that slab will remain stable even with the buttressing we have on it.” Chet Kelly said to Roy.
Roy squeezed in and looked Johnny over quickly. No active bleeding. He ran his hands over Johnny’s legs, no fractures felt. It was readily apparent that both arms were broken. “Okay, get the backboard over here. Let’s slide him onto it on the count of three. Be careful, both of his arms are broken. He likely has broken ribs.” Four men pulled Johnny from the building and slid him onto the backboard while Roy held his head and neck stable. Marco placed the C-collar around Johnny’s neck, then the team of firemen carried their injured brother to safety. Roy instructed Marco to place Johnny on an oxygen mask at 10 liters as he completed his assessment and vital signs. Johnny was semi-awake but not responding. Roy was worried.
“Rampart this is Squad 51.”
“Go ahead 51.”
Dixie stood beside Joe and wrote down the information as Roy reported.
“Rampart the victim has been pulled from the building. Spinal precautions are in place. He was wearing his helmet at the time of the collapse. His helmet is intact. He is semi-conscious. Pupils are equal and reactive. No bleeding from the ears or nose. Obvious fractures to both forearms. Palpable fractures to ribs bilaterally. Flail chest is present on the right. Sandbag has been applied. He is on O2 by mask at 10 liters. Abdomen is mildly distended and rigid. Vitals are BP 90/60, pulse 110, respirations shallow and rapid. Breath sounds are equal with wheezing bilaterally. He likely has inhaled concrete dust. He was not wearing his mask.”
“51, start an IV with Ringers Lactate, wide open. Splint both arms and transport immediately. Continue monitoring vital signs every 5 minutes.”
Roy repeated back the orders and signed off. He had the IV started in Johnny’s right arm well above the fractured bones in less than two minutes. He grabbed the splints and brought them with him to splint Johnny’s arms in the ambulance.
Johnny was aware of pain in his entire body. His belly hurt so badly he wished he was dead. He knew both of his arms were broken. He felt them break as the building came down. His chest hurt with every breath. He prayed to die. It hurt too much to keep on living. He had been broken, literally and figuratively.
The ambulance arrived at Rampart. Roy kept monitoring Johnny throughout the 7-minute ride. He kept talking to Johnny, reassuring him that he was going to be okay and to ‘hang in there’. Johnny just lay there, not responding but eyes open. Roy was scared.
“Treatment 1.” Dixie told Roy.
That was the room that Kel was brought to after his accident. How fitting, Johnny thought. He heard Dixie and Joe talking. He heard Roy and several other nurses in the room. He couldn’t bring himself to make any effort to respond. His eyes were open, but he remained silent.
“Johnny, can you hear me?” Joe asked him. Johnny just looked at him.
“I know you’ve been through hell, Johnny. Don’t give up. You need to fight. There is a happy ending waiting for you, Johnny.” Johnny closed his eyes. He was through listening.
Johnny’s condition remained critical. Joe had Dixie start another IV in his foot to run wide open. He started Plasmanate to try to get his blood pressure up. OR and anesthesia were contacted. X-rays were taken of just about every bone in his body. His spine was intact, so the C-collar and backboard were removed. A chest x-ray confirmed the multiple rib fractures, the flail chest, and the fine particulate that Johnny had inhaled. Joe knew he was bleeding into his abdomen. His abdominal x-ray showed no perforation, but his abdomen was distended and there was a bluish appearance to the skin around his navel. Blood was hung prior to bringing him to the OR.
In the OR, the anesthesiologist induced general anesthesia. Johnny was intubated and attached to a ventilator. Once the anesthesiologist gave the okay, his abdomen was opened. He was found to have a lacerated liver which Joe was able to repair. That stopped Johnny’s bottoming out blood pressure. It finally stabilized and remained slightly low but steady. The blood was suctioned from his abdomen.
Joe placed a triple lumen central line into Johnny’s chest for IV access. An orthopedic surgeon was called to wire Johnny’s badly fractured ribs together and set his fractured arms. Johnny received two more units of blood in the OR. He was brought to the Recovery Unit still intubated and being ventilated.
Thirty minutes later, Johnny was taken to the ICU. His vital signs were stable. He would be kept sedated and on the ventilator for several days. Joe ordered a continuous infusion of fentanyl IV to keep Johnny pain free. His fractured ribs would make breathing agonizing, so Joe wanted to give him several days free from the debilitating pain.
Johnny had been in the ICU for seven days. Joe had stopped his fentanyl drip the day before as Johnny’s oxygen saturation had become unstable. He changed Johnny over to morphine every 2-3 hours as needed to decrease his pain. Johnny needed to breathe on his own. He’d slowly woken up from sedation over 24 hours. Breathing was painful with each breath. His abdominal pain level was at a 4, not too bad, but he still felt the pain. His casted arms hurt when he tried to move them.
Joe came in at 0700 the morning of his seventh day to see Johnny; he saw the nurse in the room, hanging Johnny’s IV antibiotic. “How is he this morning, Sharon?” he asked the young nurse.
“Can I talk to you outside, Dr. Early?”
He followed Sharon out of the room and waited for her to say what she couldn’t say in the room.
“Dr. Early, this is not the same Johnny I’ve known for the last three years. He’s very despondent. He doesn’t respond to any of the nurses. We are all very worried about him. I think he’s given up, Dr. Early.”
“He’s critically ill, Sharon. He’s been through a lot. We need to give him time to heal.”
“I saw him when he was in here for his head injury. He’s not the same Johnny. Look at his eyes. It’s like he’s dead inside.”
That comment startled Joe. He went back into Johnny’s room. Johnny was awake. Joe looked into Johnny’s eyes. Sharon was right. Johnny had given up.
Shaken, Joe assessed Johnny. He’d planned on extubating Johnny this morning to see how his oxygen saturation levels behaved. Johnny needed to be off the vent. Right now, he needed to talk with someone who knew Johnny as well as he did. He went to find Dixie.
Dixie saw Joe walking down the hall to the ER nurse’s station. He was upset. “What’s wrong, Joe?”
“I just spoke with Sharon Walters in ICU. She was telling me about how Johnny had changed since she saw him in ICU when he had his head injury. I told her that he was critically ill and needed time to heal. She disagreed with me and said that Johnny was dead inside. She said you could see it in his eyes. She’s right, Dix. His eyes are lifeless.”
Dixie’s eyes filled with tears. “We have to figure out something Joe. We can’t let him give up.”
“He’s given up, Dix. It’s already happened. There’s nothing in his eyes, no spark, nothing. I think we’ve reached a crisis point with Johnny. The problem is, he needs Kel, but Kel is not ready to be thrown into this mess.”
“Then we need to get him ready, Joe. He’s eventually going to remember his feelings for Johnny. If Johnny dies, Kel won’t get over it. We’ll lose them both. How do we help him regain his loving memories of Johnny?”
“That Sunday night we were at the Brackett’s for dinner, Kel asked me why he didn’t feel anything for Johnny if he’s supposed to be in love with him. He said he feels nothing for him. I told him at the time that the memories that cause deep emotions in him haven’t returned. Maybe it’s something about Kel and how he feels, specifically in terms of Johnny. Maybe it’s going to take feeling deep emotion where Johnny is concerned to bring those memories back.”
“Joe, do you think Johnny is dying?”
“No, he isn’t, but he isn’t getting better. He’s severely injured and in deep pain. He doesn’t have the will nor the strength to fight to live. He will get to a point medically, where we won’t be able to turn him around without his will to live.”
“You said that Kel isn’t ready to be immersed in this situation. But, if he were to come in and see Johnny as he is right now, do you think it could cause him to backslide and lose the ground he’s gained?”
“No, I don’t think it would; Kel has gotten a lot stronger. But I can’t guarantee that it couldn’t happen.”
“I think we need to contact Calvin and Betty and let them know what’s happened. Do they know anything about Johnny?”
“No, I haven’t told them. Let’s go in Kel’s office and give them a call.”
“Hello.” Calvin answered.
“Calvin, it’s Joe Early. I’m glad I caught you at home. I have Dixie here with me. I’m going to put you on speaker. Is Betty there with you?”
“No, she took Kel to the rehab unit for his sessions. She should be back here in about 15 minutes or so.”
“I have something very important to discuss with you and Betty. Would you be able to call me back on Kel’s office phone as soon as she’s home?”
“Do I need to rearrange my schedule this morning?”
“I think you better. This is quite serious. It involves Johnny.”
Twenty minutes later, Kel’s office phone rang.
“Hello.”
“Joe, it’s Calvin. Betty is here with me. I told her what you told me. What’s wrong with Johnny?”
“He was injured in a building collapse last Tuesday. He fractured both arms, lacerated his liver, and fractured multiple ribs, including a flail chest on the right. He’s had surgery and is in the ICU on a ventilator. His oxygen saturation has begun fluctuating and I need to get him off the vent. He was on a continuous fentanyl drip that I stopped and switched over to scheduled IV morphine yesterday. The problem is that Johnny has given up. When he was brought in, he was conscious; he didn’t respond to any of us. He does not have a head injury. I think he has made the decision not to fight to get better. He isn’t dying, but he’s not getting better either. If we can’t turn him around, we are going to lose him, probably within the next week or ten days.”
Joe and Dixie heard Betty crying in the background. “I knew something was going to happen to Johnny. We need to do something! Joe, do you have any suggestions?”
“Only one, Betty. That’s why I called you and Calvin. There’s only one thing that is going to help Johnny. But I’m not sure at all that Kel is ready to see Johnny in this condition.”
“What do you think Kel can do for Johnny?”
“Maybe nothing. But seeing Johnny may help Kel, which in turn may save Johnny. I have a theory that I discussed with Kel. I think that Kel would regain his loving memories of Johnny if he saw Johnny in a situation that would cause extreme emotions in Kel. He’s regained all his memories except for his loving memories of Johnny. He’s almost ready to return to work. What we’ve been doing the last two and a half months hasn’t worked to regain the rest of his memories. Those memories are blocked. We haven’t tried accessing any of Kel’s deeper emotions. I don’t think Kel will ever regain those memories any other way.”
Betty spoke up. “I think Joe’s right, Calvin. He is exactly right. Kel needs a wake-up call that’s different than anything else he’s experienced.”
Calvin asked, “do you have a plan for doing this Joe?”
“I think we need to be up front with Kel. Let him know what has happened to Johnny. Kel needs to maintain control here. He has to want to see Johnny. That’s the only way this will work.”
“Alright, Joe. Betty and I will talk to Kel when he gets home from therapy. That’ll be around 12:30. Can one or both of you get away?”
“I think you need to talk with Kel without us there. I don’t want him to feel any pressure to do this. He might if we’re there.”
“I think we’ll tell Kel about Johnny at the rehab unit. I would like some back up if Kel doesn’t take this well.” Calvin said.
“That’s actually a good idea. Kel is comfortable there. He may do better hearing it where he knows people are there who will help him.”
Calvin went with Betty a little early to pick up Kel from rehab. They met with one of Kel’s therapists and told him what was happening. They explained Johnny as being Kel’s best friend. He agreed to be on standby if Kel became upset. He set up a small but comfortable room for Calvin and Betty to tell Kel about Johnny.
Kel came out of a therapy room and saw both of his parents waiting for him.
“Dad? Aren’t you supposed to be at work? What are you doing here?”
The therapist came over and stood silently while Calvin explained why they were there.
“Something has happened to Johnny, and we need to talk to you about it,” his father said.
“Okay. What happened? Is he in the hospital?” Kel was unemotional and calm. When the therapist noted this, he left. Calvin and Betty led him to the room the therapist set aside for them to use.
“He’s at Rampart, in ICU, Kel. He was injured in a building collapse a week ago. He’s critical. Joe is very worried about him. He wondered if you could go see him.”
“He wants my medical opinion? I’m on sick leave, Dad. I can’t do that.”
“He isn’t asking for you to see him medically. He does think that you can help Johnny. He also thinks Johnny may be able to help you. If you agree, we could go to Rampart and see him.”
“I don’t understand, Dad. How can Johnny help me if he’s critically injured?”
“Kelly, do you remember Joe talking with you about how your emotions are wrapped tightly inside you? And that strong emotions need stressful events to be released? I don’t know if I’m saying it right, but that is how Johnny can help you. I think that Joe’s right, Sweetheart.”
Kel looked at his mother and saw love and concern in her eyes. He was willing to try this if it took the worry away from her. He felt strong. He knew he was healed in every other aspect except for this one set of memories.
“Alright, Mom. I’m willing to try, for you. I prefer to do it now rather than later.”
Kel and his parents left the rehab center. Before leaving, Calvin called Rampart and spoke with Joe Early to let him know that they were on their way.
Joe and Dixie met Kel and his parents outside the doors of ICU. Joe wanted Kel’s friends and family with him for support. Before they entered ICU Joe explained to them how Johnny looked.
“Johnny looks pretty bad. He has bruises everywhere from the debris hitting him. He’s pale. He has an IV port in his chest and bandages over his chest and abdomen from his surgery. Both arms are in casts. He is intubated and on a ventilator. He is very emaciated looking. He’s lost probably 20 pounds over the last few months. He has dark circles around his eyes. He doesn’t look much like himself at the present time.”
Betty was already crying from hearing how badly Johnny was doing. She followed behind Kel as Joe led them to Johnny’s room. She gasped when she saw him. Johnny heard the sound and opened his eyes.
Kel had been looking at Johnny. He saw the badly injured body lying in the bed. But he was looking at Johnny with a clinical eye, not with the eyes of a lover. Kel watched as Johnny’s eyes opened; it was like looking at a doll. There was no life in them. Suddenly, he flashed back to the picture in his mind that he’d seen the Sunday that Johnny had come to dinner. Now he clearly saw the face of the person that he’d been unable to identify. It was Johnny!
Like a door opening, the memories came rushing in. He remembered their entire past together: seeing Johnny when he’d first come to Rampart; telling Johnny that he felt nothing for him; Johnny’s head injury now around ten or eleven months ago; the ranch they had bought together and moved to three months ago; the love he felt for Johnny then; the love he felt now, still strong!
Now Kel looked at Johnny through love-filled eyes. His eyes were still open, but blank. He gasped, “Johnny! My God, Johnny!”
Chapter Text
Kel moved to Johnny’s bedside. Everywhere he looked, Johnny was covered in bandages, bruises, or casts. There was only one place where he could touch him. He placed his hand on Johnny’s head and looked into Johnny’s eyes. The eyes that looked back remained blank.
Kel felt tears burn his eyes. “I remember Johnny. Everything is clear. I’m here and I’m not going anywhere. Can you hear me, Johnny? We will go home to our ranch together. Please hear me, Johnny. I love you. I remember how much I love you,” Kel softly told him.
Johnny heard his words. But there was no ranch to go home to anymore. It was being foreclosed. The dream had died. Johnny closed his eyes as tears leaked from the corners and dripped onto his pillow.
Kel noticed his tears. His eyes had closed. Johnny was upset. What had happened? Had he said the wrong thing? He looked at Joe. “He’s crying. He shut me out.”
He turned back to his lover. “Johnny, please don’t cry. Everything will be okay as long as we’re together. I love you, Johnny. I don’t know what’s wrong, but nothing matters except you. I don’t care about anything else. Just you.”
Johnny’s eyes remained closed. He didn’t respond to Kel.
Joe whispered to Kel, “leave him be for a few minutes. Let him get back his composure. Let’s go outside and talk.”
Everyone silently filed out of the room and sat down in the empty waiting room. Calvin had been watching Kel in Johnny’s room. He saw the moment when Kel recalled his memories of Johnny. He watched Kel closely, making sure that his much-loved son was alright. He saw the man his son had been before the accident that claimed his memories; he saw the moment confidence returned to him, sure and secure in who he was.
Betty had been watching both Kel and Johnny. She also saw the moment when Kel regained his memories. She was crying for two very different reasons; joy for Kel who was whole again, and grief for Johnny who was still lost in pain and sorrow.
Dixie watched as her dear friend remembered his life with his precious Baby. She saw clarity of vision as Kel became enmeshed in the surety of his love for his beloved Johnny.
Joe watched closely as Kel regained his memories of his life with Johnny. The blank mask he’d seen on Kel’s face for so long when Johnny was mentioned was gone. In its place there was a look of pure concern. He saw the moment when Kel, the confident physician, took his step forward, ready to take charge. He felt the burden of Johnny’s declining health lighten, knowing that Kel would stop at nothing to see him well again.
Kel turned to Joe. “What happened? What did I say wrong?”
“I don’t know,” he said and proceeded to tell Kel what had transpired with Johnny in the ER when Kel had been hurt in the car accident. “Roy accompanied you in the helicopter. When Johnny arrived in the ER, he was devastated, Kel. He was shaking and barely holding it together. He almost passed out when I told him you were in a coma. I don’t know if that’s all of it. He was depressed when I saw him a few days after your accident. I don’t know about anything else.”
Betty had been listening and added, “Joe’s right, Kelly. He wasn’t here while you were in ICU, but I noticed that Johnny seemed down when I talked to him on the phone; I thought that it was because he was just so worried about you, and not being able to see you in ICU. But it seemed to get a lot worse when you were in the step-down unit. I thought that it was strange that he was more depressed instead of less.”
Kel’s dad continued. “Something else has happened, Son. We don’t know everything. The day we had that meeting with Joe when you woke up from your coma, I told Johnny not to lose faith, but he was very down when he left. That was the day Betty, that you told us how worried you were about Johnny. You talked about how fragile Johnny was and that he thought he’d already lost Kel. You said if we didn’t do something we were going to lose Johnny.”
Kel shivered, hearing the words about losing Johnny. “I think we need to do some investigating. Something I said caused Johnny to shut down just now. I’m not going to stop until I find out what I said that caused that reaction.”
He looked around at the people in the room and saw smiles on the faces of every person there.
“Why is everyone smiling?”
“Welcome back, Dr. Brackett.” Dixie said.
“Thanks, Dixie, but I’m not back yet. I won’t be back until Johnny is better. Joe, will you call Roy and find out if anything happened at work that concerns Johnny? Mom, Dad, will you go out to the ranch and check to make sure everything is okay there? If Johnny has been in here for a week, no one has checked on the horses or the house. Where is my house key? Do any of you know?”
Calvin said, “I never gave it any thought Kel. We need to find it. Johnny’s key may still be at the station. I’ll go by there and check his locker.”
Calvin and Betty hugged their son. “Kel we are so proud of you, Son. You are a strong man. If you need us for anything, let us know. Your mom and I are here for you, always.”
“And if Johnny needs anything, call me. I can stay with him during the day, if he needs me. If they’ll let me in.” Betty looked at Kel as she spoke.
“Thanks, Dad, Mom. I love you both and I appreciate your support, more than I can say.”
“We love you, Son.”
After Calvin and Betty left, Joe sat down beside Kel. “I have more information that I didn’t want to tell you in front of your parents. You must understand, Kel, you’d lost all your good memories of Johnny. You are not at fault for how Johnny felt.”
“Okay. Just tell me, Joe. But let’s do it in Johnny’s room. I want to get back to him.” They returned to Johnny’s bedside. They spoke quietly, so as not to disturb him.
“Johnny was the first one to notice that you were coming out of the coma and notified the nurse. Your mom, Johnny, and I were in the room when you woke up. Do you remember everything that you said after you woke up?”
“I don’t remember much of anything I said.”
“You knew me and answered my questions while I examined you. You saw your mother and spoke briefly with her. Then you saw Johnny. You asked him what he was doing there. He was confused; we all were. He told you that he was off shift, and you asked him if he had a reason for being there. He said he was there because he loved you, and that he was worried about you. You told him you hadn’t seen him in three years, and that you hadn’t been together for a long time, and that you didn’t love him.
Then, your parents wanted to talk about your rehab and out-patient care. They wanted you to stay with them after you were discharged from in-patient rehab. I thought it was a good idea and told them so. Kel, Johnny was excluded from all the decision making. You didn’t have any good memories of him, so he wasn’t allowed to visit you in ICU or the rehab unit.
Betty called him every week to update him on your progress. I think it depressed him. We were all able to visit you, everyone except Johnny, the man who was in love with you. When he saw you at dinner ten days ago, that was the first time he’d seen you in nearly three months. I had told him that he was going to have to be very patient. I think somewhere through this process, he lost faith. I knew how hard it was going to be on him. I didn’t have the time to check on him like I should have. He was left alone, day after day. I guess I would have lost faith too.”
By the time Joe finished telling Kel about what had transpired, tears were streaming from Kel’s eyes. He stood there and looked at Johnny, wondering what it was going to take to bring him back from the hell he had been through and was still in.
Calvin and Betty arrived home. Calvin needed to go into the clinic for a few hours. Betty decided to drive over to the ranch and check on things. She wouldn’t be able to get into the house without a key, but she could check on the horses and the barn. Thirty minutes later she turned in the long drive that led to the house.
As she got out of the car, she noticed that the place looked run down. She knew that it had taken longer than a week for the place to get that way. She walked up to the front door and noticed a padlock on it. Stunned, she looked around and saw a piece of paper taped to the top of the door. One word stood out: Foreclosure. Betty read the notice and committed parts of it to memory. She ran to the barn and flipped on the lights to look for the horses. Nothing happened, the lights did not come on. She looked around the barn. It was empty. She hurried outside and looked over the pasture; she let out the breath she didn’t know she’d been holding. The three horses were there. Betty looked at the water level in the stock tank. There was plenty of water. The horses were munching on grass. After petting the horses and making sure that they were okay, she left and headed back home.
She called Calvin as soon as she walked in the door. “I drove out to the ranch to check on things. Calvin, there is a foreclosure notice on the front door. The house was padlocked. The place looked run down. I think the electricity may be off. The barn lights weren’t working.”
Calvin was surprised. Betty told him the name of the bank that held the note and the date of the foreclosure. It was scheduled to occur in 20 days. Calvin decided that he would go by the fire station and go through Johnny’s locker. He parked in the back and noticed Johnny’s Rover there. He introduced himself to the paramedics that were on duty when he arrived. The engine was out on a run. He explained why he was there, and the two men showed him Johnny’s locker. He found Johnny’s wallet and keys. He didn’t know the men but asked them if they knew Johnny.
One of the men answered, “we both know Johnny. He’s a great guy and a great paramedic. He’s the reason why both of us became paramedics. It’s too bad what happened to him.”
Calvin responded, “they are doing everything they can for Johnny at Rampart. Hopefully, he’ll be out of there soon and back on the job. Do you guys know anything about what else happened to Johnny?”
“What do you know about it?” the other man asked.
“I’ve seen Johnny a lot over the last few weeks. He didn’t want to talk about it, but he was sure down.” Calvin hoped he’d thrown out enough for them to take the bait.
“I wouldn’t want to talk about it either if I was suspended without pay for four shifts.”
“I’m sure I wouldn’t either. Well gentlemen, it was nice meeting you. Thanks for your help.”
Calvin went out back and headed towards Johnny’s Rover. He unlocked it and looked inside. He was surprised to see what looked like all of Johnny’s clothes in the back. Johnny was living out of his car. Calvin decided that Kel needed to be updated on the situation. He picked Betty up at home and drove back to Rampart.
Kel was still in the ICU with Johnny. Calvin asked the nurse to let him know that they would be in the waiting room.
A few minutes later, Kel entered the room. “Kel, I think you better sit down.” Kel, unsettled by his dad’s words, sat. “Your mother went to the ranch to check on things. I’ll let her tell you what she found.”
“Kelly, the front door has a padlock on it. There is a foreclosure notice taped to the door. Everything looked run down. And I think the electricity’s been turned off.”
Kel sat there, stunned. “I don’t know what to say. How can that be? What’s been going on?”
“I think I can shed some light on that.” They all looked up and saw Joe Early standing in the doorway.
He came into the room and made sure they were the only ones in there. “Johnny was suspended without pay for four shifts. He didn’t get a paycheck for a month.”
“I found that out too. I went by the fire station to get Johnny’s wallet and keys. The guys there told me the same thing.”
“Why was he suspended?” Kel wanted to know.
“He fell apart on a rescue. Your rescue. I spoke with Roy. He said Johnny saw a green Lincoln on its side and knew it was you in the wreck. He screamed ‘no’ over and over and jumped out of the moving squad. Roy said he was frantically trying to get your door open to get to you. He was screaming your name, saying ‘please don’t do this, do you hear me, I need you.’ Roy got him to calm down a little by the time the engine showed up, but he was still unable to help much with the rescue. The captain saw it and suspended Johnny for his behavior. Roy said Johnny probably went without a paycheck for a month. He also wasn’t allowed to work any extra shifts during that time.”
Kel sat in the chair, covering his eyes with his hand. He knew that Johnny sent half his paycheck to his aunt every month. That didn’t leave much to cover the bills. Kel just shook his head.
“What is it, Son?”
“Johnny doesn’t make much in the fire department. He works overtime shifts all the time. He didn’t have the money to cover the bills. He didn’t have any money coming in.” He realized something else. “He didn’t have enough money to buy food! I think I’m going to be sick!” Kel jumped up and found a nearby trash can.
They were all worried about Kel. He was under a great deal of stress. That was not good for a man who’d been on sick leave going on three months.
After Kel emptied everything out of his stomach, he came back over to where his parents and Joe were standing. “I just realized what I said to Johnny to cause him to shut down. It was about us returning to our ranch. If he couldn’t make the payments, he knew it would be foreclosed on.”
Calvin told Kel, “Kel, something else I found while I was at the station.”
“What’s that, Dad?”
“Johnny’s Rover was still parked in the station parking lot. I unlocked it and checked inside. Kel, all of Johnny’s clothes are in the back of the Rover.”
Kel was bewildered. “Why? What was he planning on doing?”
“He saw this foreclosure coming, Son. I think he may have been living out of his car. The house is padlocked. He couldn’t get in. And everything in the house was frozen to pay off the mortgage.”
“It’s no wonder he’s given up. His life’s been a living hell. How do we pull him through this?” Joe asked, feeling defeated.
“We use everything we’ve got! I will not lose Johnny. If he’s lost his will to live, I’ll give him mine. Joe, where does Johnny stand, physically?”
“His O2 sats are fluctuating. I need to get him off the vent. Johnny has simple fractures of the radius and ulna in both arms. He had multiple rib fractures bilaterally, with a flail chest on the right and a lacerated liver. He inhaled concrete dust. He was trapped for probably 30-60 minutes before he was dug out.”
“Why wasn’t he wearing his SCBA?”
“He was, Kel. Roy told me that Johnny heard a noise and stopped for a few seconds to listen. He said Johnny removed his mask to yell out to them that the building was collapsing and to go. Roy said that he and the two guys they were bringing out never heard a thing inside the building.”
“He’d better get a commendation for his actions. If he doesn’t, I will make damn sure that heads roll.” Kel said as he remembered Joe telling him about Johnny’s uncanny ability to sense disaster in the making.
“His captain has already forwarded the paperwork.” Joe said.
“So, our first action is to get Johnny off the vent.”
“Our? You aren’t going to do anything but go home and get some rest. I will take care of Johnny. And yes, I am going to start weaning him off the vent. Calvin, Betty, take him home.”
“Whoa, Joe. I’m not going anywhere while Johnny is critical. I’m sorry Mom, Dad. I’m not leaving him.”
“I didn’t figure you would, Son. Your mom and I are going home. Will you call us this evening and let us know how things are going with Johnny?”
“I will. Dad, Matt Sherman is my attorney. Could you give him a call and see if he’ll meet me? The ranch is in my name. I’m going to file a lawsuit to stop the foreclosure. Johnny is not going to lose his home.”
Calvin and Betty hugged and kissed Kel and left for home. Kel turned to Joe and said, “I’m going back to Johnny’s room, Joe. Please don’t try to stop me. It’s where I need to be right now.”
“I’m not going to stop you, Kel. We’ll get Johnny taken care of, then you and I are going downstairs, and I am going to complete some psychological tests on you.”
Joe stopped at the ICU nurse’s station to grab Johnny’s chart while Kel continued to Johnny’s room. His eyes were closed and other than the rise and fall of his chest from the ventilator, Johnny was totally still. Kel stood at his bedside and watched Johnny for several minutes. He could see the tension on his face, and the downturned mouth around the ET tube. Johnny was not resting peacefully.
“Johnny? I’m here. I’m real. I know about the ranch, and your suspension, and how you’ve been treated by the people who are supposed to love you, including me. I’m sorry about all of it. None of this is your fault. You are a victim of circumstances, Love. Come back to me Johnny.”
“Joe, I think he’s in pain,” he said as soon as Joe came into the room. Joe checked Johnny’s chart to see when he last had morphine. He turned off the rate on the ventilator and watched Johnny’s breathing. Johnny was not working hard to breathe. He decreased the oxygen percentage to room air but left the CPAP at 8. Johnny’s oxygen saturation remained in the mid 90’s. Joe wrote the order for the new vent settings and took the chart back to the nurse’s station. He notified Johnny’s nurse about the need for a morphine dose and returned to Johnny’s room.
“The nurse is coming in to administer his morphine.” Joe raised the head of Johnny’s bed. Sitting him up would improve his breathing.
Johnny’s nurse administered his morphine dose and noted the time. Before she left the room, she also obtained his vital signs, checked his Foley output, and checked the infusions on the IV pumps. Joe had started Johnny on TPN and Intralipids two days after surgery.
Kel noticed that Johnny’s face seemed more relaxed after the morphine. “Johnny, can you open your eyes for me?” Kel asked.
Johnny heard Kel’s voice. He remembered seeing Kel recently and hearing Kel tell him that he loved him. Or had that been a dream? He didn’t know what was real and what wasn’t. He opened his eyes.
“Joe! He’s awake.” Then he turned back to Johnny.
“That’s it, Love. Good job. You are going to be okay, Johnny. I’m here. I remember. Stay awake.”
Johnny’s eyes fixed on Kel’s face.
Joe spoke, “Johnny, you’re in ICU. You were hurt when a building collapsed on you. You are on a vent but we are going to take you off of it in the morning. Do you understand what I said?”
Johnny had turned his head towards Joe when he heard his voice. He nodded once, then turned his eyes back to Kel. Kel smiled at him. Johnny stared at Kel for a long time. He didn’t think about anything. He kept his eyes fixed on Kel until he couldn’t keep them open any longer.
Joe ordered diazepam every four hours through the night so that Johnny could get some quality rest before being extubated the next morning. He had difficulty getting Kel to leave Johnny’s bedside, but Joe was adamant that Kel also rest.
He was able to complete most of the psychological assessments on Kel, and the results supported what he suspected. Kel had recovered all his memories and showed no evidence of depression or internal stress. He evidenced some mild anxiety over Johnny’s condition. The issues with the ranch seemed unimportant to Kel. But Joe would not release Kel for work until Johnny’s physical condition greatly improved.
Kel hadn’t been cleared to drive. Joe did so now and took Kel home with him that night. Kel no longer had a vehicle to drive. His had been totaled in the wreck. Kel called his parents and updated them on Johnny’s condition and the plan to take him off the ventilator in the morning. His Dad told him that the Sheriff’s Department had called to inform him that the investigation into the accident had been completed.
The other driver was determined to be legally drunk; his blood alcohol level was 0.21, almost three times the legal limit. He had passed Kel on the shoulder of the road, sideswiping Kel’s car as he passed, causing his car to flip. The insurance company would be sending him a check. The report had been sent to his parents’ house. Kel asked his dad to call the Lincoln dealership and have them send another Town Car to him at the hospital.
Kel and Joe both slept well that night and were back at the hospital by 0700. Joe checked Johnny’s chart to ensure that Johnny had been medicated with morphine at 0630.
Johnny was awake and watched as Kel and Joe entered his room. “Good morning, Johnny.” Kel and Joe spoke at the same time. Johnny watched as they approached the bedside. Johnny’s nurse Alice was with them. She had been one of Johnny’s nurses when he had sustained his head injury, so many months ago already. She had a non-rebreather oxygen mask, oxygen tubing, and a bottle of sterile water that she connected to a wall oxygen outlet and turned the flow to 10 liters. She laid the mask near his head.
“Johnny looks like you had a peaceful night last night. Are you ready to get that tube out?” Joe asked.
Johnny gave a nod. Kel stood beside him and looked him over. His face looked relaxed, there were no signs of pain.
The head of Johnny’s bed was already elevated but Alice placed him in high Fowler’s position. She suctioned the endotracheal tube and deflated the cuff.
“Okay, Johnny. I want to see how hard you can cough. Take a deep breath in for me.” He watched as Johnny inhaled but stopped before he could take a deep breath. When Kel saw this, he asked, “Johnny, where is the pain in your chest?” Johnny pointed to his right ribs, at the site of the surgery. Kel took a pillow and splinted his chest. “Okay, Johnny, take in another breath. Let’s see how deep you can inhale this time.” Johnny was able to take a much deeper breath. Kel looked at Joe and said, “I think that’s good enough.”
Joe told Johnny, “I’m going to pull the tube on the count of three. Take a deep breath and cough as I pull the tube.” Johnny nodded. Joe disconnected the ventilator from the ETT and removed the tape from the tube. “On the count of three Johnny. 1-2-3-cough” and pulled the tube. Alice placed the non-rebreather mask over Johnny’s nose and mouth, tightened the elastic strap, and watched his oxygen saturation. The numbers dropped down to 82, then slowly rose.
Johnny could feel a rattle in the back of his throat. He coughed weakly but could not clear his secretions. Alice grabbed the suction catheter, moved the mask to the side and suctioned his mouth to the back of his throat, keeping to the sides so she didn’t cause him to gag. She replaced the mask over his face. His oxygen saturation climbed up to 94%.
Joe stood and watched over Johnny and noted when he had totally relaxed. “Okay?” he asked.
“Getting there,” Johnny whispered.
Alice checked the dressings on his chest and abdomen, obtained a set of vital signs, ensured that Johnny was comfortable, the call light was within his reach, and his side rails were up, then left the room to document the events that had just occurred.
Joe headed down to the ER as he was on duty. Kel remained at Johnny’s bedside and watched him sleep. He sat and thought about the traumas Johnny had gone through alone. He accepted that neither of them was at fault but railed at the unfairness of what Johnny had endured without support.
Johnny slept for only 30 minutes. Kel watched as his eyes opened and focused. “Johnny?” Kel softly spoke his name. Johnny looked towards Kel. “Are you real?” he whispered.
“I’m real, Johnny. I’m here. I have all my memories of us.”
Had Kel told him that he knew about the suspension and the foreclosure? Did Johnny dream that? He couldn’t remember what was real and what wasn’t. He didn’t want to say anything to Kel if he didn’t know about them.
“Ranch?”
“Don’t worry about the ranch. I know about the foreclosure. I don’t care about the ranch. Right now, the most important thing is for you to get well. Then we’ll worry about the ranch. If we lose it, we’ll find one we like better. I’m sorry, Johnny. I left you a huge mess to deal with. I’m going to make sure that it never happens again. None of what happened was your fault.”
“What else do you know?”
Evidently, Johnny did not remember that Kel knew about his suspension. Should he tell him that he knew about it? Kel pondered the question for about a minute. He couldn’t keep this from Johnny. He would not lie to him.
“I know about your suspension, Johnny.”
Chapter Text
He saw shame in Johnny’s eyes. Johnny looked away from Kel. “Look at me, Johnny.” He refused to look up. Kel sat there quietly for a moment, looking at Johnny.
“You humble me, Johnny.” Johnny’s startled eyes met Kel’s. “I don’t deserve the importance you place on me.”
“Yes, you do. You are my life, Kelly Brackett. You are my life,” he softly said. Making sure the door was closed, Kel leaned over and kissed Johnny’s lips for the first time in three months.
The next day Johnny was in a lot of pain from his ribs. But Kel knew he needed to use the incentive spirometer Alice had brought to his room. His last morphine dose was three hours ago, so the nurse was called to administer a dose. Kel then grabbed the IS from his overbed table.
“Johhny, I know you’re hurting, but I want you to use this every hour while you’re awake.”
Johnny had used one in ICU after his head injury. He knew how to use it but wasn’t looking forward to it now. Kel saw the look on his face.
“If you get pneumonia you could wind up back on the vent, Johnny.”
Johnny saw the look of concern on Kel’s face. “Okay.”
Johnny took the mouthpiece into his mouth, sat up straight and sucked in a breath. He made it to 500ml before he had to stop because of the pain in his ribs. His nurse arrived with the dose and administered it quickly.
“Slow inhale, Johnny.” Kel got a pillow and placed it over Johnny’s right chest. “Hold the pillow down with your arm, and let’s try it again.”
Slowly he inhaled. Splinting his right chest with his casted arm worked very well. The flow indicator made it to 1000ml. Johnny took five more breaths before he became worn out.
“Good job, Johnny. Aim for higher each time you use it.”
Johnny was switched to a nasal cannula. His oxygen saturation remained between 93 and 96, acceptable levels for a person with chest injuries. He’d been in the ICU for nine days. Joe planned to move him to the surgical floor the next morning if he did well during the night.
Joe had ordered a clear liquid diet for Johnny who needed to take regular food by mouth to gain weight. He was able to drink a cup of chicken broth and eat his favorite hospital food, green Jello at lunch.
Johnny slept for a few hours. Kel remained at his bedside. At 1700 hours, Joe came in to check on Johnny. He’d received a diet tray with beef broth and more Jello. Johnny looked at the tray and frowned. He looked at Joe.
“I don’t think I want this.”
“Johnny, you need to start eating again. The only way to gain weight and keep it on is for you to eat regularly.”
“I don’t feel well, Doc. My stomach is hurting, I’m nauseated.”
Joe looked at Kel. Kel looked at Johnny. “When did this start, Johnny?”
“I don’t know. A little while ago.”
“Maybe you’re hungry. Try a little of the soup and see if you feel better afterwards.”
Johnny didn’t want to disappoint Kel. He took a sip of the soup. Immediately, his nausea worsened.
“I’m gonna be sick.”
Kel grabbed an emesis basin and held it up to Johnny’s mouth. Johnny vomited dark red blood. Both men immediately tensed. Joe pushed the call button. Pam, his evening nurse, came into the room. She saw Dr. Brackett whispering quietly to Johnny.
“Pam, Johnny just vomited blood. Draw a STAT CBC. Call Radiology and tell them we need an emergency upper GI series to rule out a stress ulcer.”
Johnny’s Upper GI Series confirmed that Johnny had developed a stress ulcer. Joe ordered an antacid and a drug to help reduce pain and muscle spasms in the GI tract. His blood count showed that he was mildly anemic.
A few days later, Kel was worried about Johnny. He’d been making progress. Now, he had become uncommunicative and slept most of the day, every day. He continued to occasionally vomit blood and ended up needing a blood transfusion. Kel kept encouraging Johnny to continue drinking the now full liquid diet. Johnny tried, but he became nauseous at each attempt. He was receiving anti-nausea medication which made him sleepy. He was sliding back into depression. Since Johnny was no longer on the vent, Joe decided to move Johnny to the step-down unit. His condition had improved enough that he no longer needed intensive care. Joe also hoped that getting him out of ICU would help his emotional state.
Kel was becoming greatly afraid for Johnny. He wasn’t responding to Kel any longer. He’d had too many stressors put upon him.
Kel’s mom had been calling Kel daily for updates on Johnny. She would be able to come see him now that he was out of the ICU. Johnny needed a visit from his “Mom”. Kel called his mother that evening.
“Mom, I have a favor to ask you.”
“What do you need, honey?”
“Johnny needs to see you. He’s developed a stress ulcer after he’d been showing so much improvement. He has slipped back into depression. He’s not responding to me, really to any of us, Joe and Dixie included.”
“Is the ulcer serious, Kelly?”
“Joe is keeping a close eye on it, but it is causing Johnny quite a bit of pain. He’s getting medication to help it heal. He has a long road ahead of him. He is still extremely underweight and that isn’t helping him. He seems to be spiraling downward. I don’t know what to do anymore. I feel like we are losing him, Mom. To be honest, I don’t know if you can do anything for him, but Joe, Dixie and I haven’t been able to reach him. Can you come?”
“Is he getting anything to help his depression?”
“Joe started him on medication to treat it. But it takes several weeks for the medication to work well.”
She agreed to come the next morning.
“Mom, while you’re with Johnny, I need to meet with my lawyer. I’ll be gone for a few hours.”
Betty arrived by 1000 the next morning. Kel was in the room. Johnny was awake but unresponsive.
“Good morning, Kelly. Good morning, my darling boy.”
Kel looked at Johnny and saw his eyes come to life for a moment. He released a big breath and hoped that his mom would be able to reach Johnny. He leaned over and kissed his mom on the cheek. He spoke softly, for her ears only.
“Thanks for coming, Mom. I’ll be back in about three or four hours. I’m going to meet with my lawyer and the power company. I’d also like to drive out to the ranch and see it. Joe may stop by while I’m gone.”
Kel came over to Johnny’s bedside and kissed his cheek. “I’ll be back in a few hours, Johnny. Be good for Mom. She loves you. So do I,” he whispered to Johnny.
Kel met with his lawyer to file a lawsuit to stop the foreclosure. Matt Sherman told Kel that he had an excellent chance of winning the suit or even settling out of court.
“With the copy of your medical records and the property being in your name, you have a good chance of winning this litigation. I’ll have the petition ready to go to the defendant in two days. With all the evidence on our side, and if you agree to pay the outstanding mortgage payments plus the late fees, I think that the bank will dismiss all claims. I’ll be in touch, Kel.”
Kel shook Matt’s hand and left. Kel’s next stop was the power company. He spoke with the regional manager that covered the area that included his ranch. He paid the overdue payments and the late fees. He left there after being assured that the company would reconnect the power within 24 hours.
He headed to the ranch. It felt strange driving on the familiar road that he hadn’t traveled in such a long time. As the ranch came into view, Kel saw the sad state it was in. Grass was overgrown and weeds were everywhere. The wind had blown trash into the yard. Kel couldn’t believe how run down it looked. He got out of his car and headed for the pasture behind the house. He was looking for the horses. The tank still had water in it, but the level was getting low. The rain had been sparse this season, so far. He would need to set up a galvanized tub of water as a backup for them soon. He whistled and heard a neigh in response. He looked to see all three of them walking straight towards him. Calico came up to the fence; Traveler was close behind her. Hoot nudged the other two out of the way and stuck her nose over the fence towards Kel. She lipped at his pocket.
“How’re my girls, huh? You taking care of the ladies, Traveler?” Kel had missed his horses. He pulled out the sugar cubes he’d brought. The horses gathered close together and enjoyed their treats. He remained at the ranch for an hour, spending time with the horses, brushing them and cleaning out their stalls.
“Okay, guy and gals, I need to get going. I’m going to bring Johnny home soon. I hope. Take care of each other now. I’ll be back.”
Kel went back to town and stopped at a farm co-op store as he came back into Los Angeles. He purchased a galvanized tub and hired the high school student who worked there to bring it out to his ranch, set it up, and fill it with water in the pasture for the horses.
Betty waited until Kel left, then walked over to Johnny’s bedside. She sat quietly beside him, waiting for him to talk. After several minutes of silence, she spoke. “I can’t help you if you don’t tell me what’s wrong.”
Johnny was quiet for so long that Betty thought he’d fallen asleep. Finally, he said, “I don’t think I can do this anymore.”
“What is it you can’t do, Johnny?”
Again, Johnny remained silent for a long time. When Betty looked at him, she saw tears falling from his eyes. He looked miserable. She took his hand and held him tight. “Tell me what you can’t do, darling boy.”
“I can’t tell you, Mom. You aren’t the one who needs to know.”
“Is Kelly the one who needs to hear this?”
Johnny nodded his head. “But I don’t know how to tell him.”
“Straight out, Johnny. Don’t keep anything from him. He has a right to know how you’re feeling about all that has happened.”
“I don’t want to hurt him.”
“But it’s okay for you to hurt? No, Johnny. The only way to fix a problem is to bring it out in the open. Keeping it hidden hurts everyone involved. Be honest with him. Speak from your heart. He’ll listen. He loves you, Johnny.”
Betty stayed next to Johnny and held his hand until he fell asleep. He was still asleep when Kel returned. Betty indicated for Kel to remain quiet and ushered him out of the room. She told Kel about the conversation she had with Johnny and how upset he became. “He was crying, Kelly. He said he couldn’t do this anymore. I think he is still very hurt by everything that transpired over the last three months.”
“I know he is, Mom, but if he doesn’t talk to me, I can’t do anything to make it better.”
“I told him to talk to you, not to keep anything from you. He said he doesn’t want to hurt you.”
“He said that?” Kel became concerned when he heard what Johnny said. What was it that Johnny would tell him that would hurt him?
Betty left without waking Johnny. She thought that sleep was the best thing for him right now. Johnny slept for an hour after Kel had returned to the hospital. When he woke up, he saw Kel sitting in the chair by the bed. Kel noticed the wariness in Johnny’s face and the tightness in his shoulders. He thought Johnny looked like he was warding off a blow.
“Johnny, tell me what you’re thinking.”
Johnny didn’t answer for a long time. Then he began, “I love you. I know that I can’t live without you, but I don’t know how to live with you anymore.”
“What do you mean?”
“I’ve lost you twice. I can’t trust that it will never happen again. I know that the second time wasn’t your fault, but it still ended up with you hurting me. I can’t go through that again. I just can’t.”
Kel couldn’t think. He felt panicked. Was Johnny breaking up with him?
“What are you saying, Johnny? Are you wanting to break up?”
“I’m saying that I don’t know how to do this anymore. I want to love without the hurt. But there’s been more hurt than love between us, at least for me.”
Kel knew that Johnny had suffered damage from the double blow he’d received in the last year. Damage that Kel had inflicted. Maybe what Johnny needed was time alone to decide what he wanted or what he was willing to live with. Kel knew there were no guarantees, and he thought Johnny probably knew it as well. But Johnny was still hurting, and it would take time for the hurt to go away.
“Johnny, I know you’ve suffered twice now because of my actions toward you. I know I’ve hurt you badly. I wish neither one had happened, but it did. For us to move forward and be happy together, we both have to be able to forgive and forget. I know that’s not going to be easy.”
“What did I do that you have to forgive?”
“Nothing, Johnny. I have to be able to forgive myself for what I did to you, especially the first time I hurt you. I think that maybe you need a few days to sort things out without me here to interfere with your thinking.” Kel stood and walked over to the window, looking out.
Tears clouded Johnny’s eyes. He was tired, he felt ill, and now Kel was going to leave him alone again. He tried to stop the tears from falling but failed miserably. He closed his eyes and felt them roll down his face. He sniffled.
Kel looked over at him. “What’s wrong now, Johnny?” As soon as he said the words, he knew he’d said the wrong thing.
Johnny eyes remained closed. Kel sounded exasperated. The tears fell faster as Johnny tried desperately to stop crying. He moaned and shook his head. He was crying so hard he couldn’t stop himself. He felt embarrassed at being unable to stop blubbering like a baby.
“I’m s-s-sorry. I don’t b-blame you for w-w-wanting to leave me,” he sobbed. He wouldn’t look at Kel. He didn’t want to see the irritation on his face that he could hear in Kel’s voice.
Kel was tired. He needed rest. He’d pushed himself as far as he could go the last couple of days. But he didn’t mean to become irritated with Johnny. Johnny was still very ill. He was going to make himself worse with the emotional breakdown he was experiencing. Kel felt contrite at causing this scene with Johnny.
“Come on, Baby. Shh. It’s going to be okay. We’re going to be alright. We will work this out. I’m sorry for upsetting you like this.” Kel was becoming concerned with Johnny’s prolonged crying.
“Johnny, look at me. You need to stop crying. Everything will be alright. I love you.” By now, Kel was ready to call Joe.
Johnny was able to calm down enough to talk. “Everything isn’t going to be alright. You’re going to leave me alone again. We can’t work anything out if you don’t want to be with me anymore.” Once the words were out, Johnny began to cry in earnest again, holding on to his ribs to keep the pain down.
Kel called Joe and asked him to come to Johnny’s room right away. Joe could hear crying in the background. He arrived within a few minutes.
“Kel, what happened?”
“We are both tired, Johnny’s in pain and ill, and I ran out of patience with him. I may have permanently damaged our relationship. I’m too exhausted right now to care.”
Too tired and sad to think, Kel didn’t lower his voice when he talked to Joe. Johnny heard Kel’s words. He immediately stopped crying and focused on how to fix things between himself and Kel. He did not hear Joe’s words to Kel.
“Kel, I am putting you in a cab. Go home to your parents’ house. Don’t stay here on your couch. You still need a lot of rest. Stay home for the next five days, doctor’s orders. I’ll call you tomorrow to check on you. If you don’t follow my advice I will put you in the hospital. Understand?”
“Okay, Joe. I’m too tired to argue with you. Tell Johnny…” Johnny heard his name and listened. Downhearted, Kel said, “don’t tell Johnny anything. Goodbye.”
Kel followed Joe’s orders. He rested at his parent’s home for five days. He didn’t ask Joe about Johnny. He needed to recuperate from the ordeal at the hospital. He began to think that he and Johnny weren’t going to make it.
Chapter 7
Notes:
IMHO I saved the best chapter for last. Hope you enjoy! Thank you for sticking with the story!
Chapter Text
The week he was home, Kel was contacted by Matt Sherman, who told him that the bank would dismiss the foreclosure if the missed payments, plus the late fees, were paid. Kel wasn’t sure that he wanted to stop the foreclosure after all. He asked Matt how long he had before the payments had to be paid. He had two weeks. He asked if he could get into the house. Kel was sure that the refrigerated foods were probably badly decaying. Matt got permission for a one-time visit to the house to clean out any spoiled food.
When he arrived at the house two days later, he checked on the horses. His mom had been going every day to check on them while he recovered at home. Seeing them brought him peace of mind. He felt the stress fall away.
Kel had obtained the key to the padlock and let himself into the house. He checked to see if the electricity was back on; it was. He noticed that there wasn’t a foul odor in the house. Maybe he’d been wrong, and the food wasn’t spoiled. He opened the refrigerator and got the shock of his life. It was completely empty. He checked the pantry and found nothing. No foodstuffs, not even a can of soup. He’d thought about it earlier when he’d learned about Johnny’s suspension, but coming here and seeing that there was no food in the house brought home to Kel just how bad Johnny’s situation had been. Undoubtedly, Johnny had not said a word to anyone. He just accepted that it was his due.
Suddenly feeling a sense of urgency, he left the ranch and headed to the hospital. He needed to see Johnny. He hadn’t seen him in seven days. He made it to the hospital in under 30 minutes and entered through the ER entrance. He saw Joe and Dixie at the nurse’s station.
“Joe, how is Johnny?”
Joe Early looked at Kel and said, “let’s go to your office. We need to talk.”
Kel followed Joe into his office and asked, “what’s happened to Johnny?”
“He had a setback. He’s back in ICU.”
“Tell me.”
“He stopped eating. He stopped doing his breathing exercises. He stopped interacting. I’ve surgically placed a feeding tube in him. I called in Psychiatry. They’ve been seeing him daily. You cannot see him. He’s very fragile. He’s barely hanging on.”
“I want to see him, Joe.”
“He’s sedated, Kel.”
“What. Happened.”
“After you left, he shut down. He wouldn’t speak. He wouldn’t make eye contact. He was just a shell.”
“What does the psychiatrist say?”
“She can’t get through to him. He doesn’t respond.”
“Why didn’t you call me?”
“You needed rest. You are still recovering from your own ordeal.”
“Who is his psychiatrist? Call her. I want to see him, now.”
Joe told Kel the name of the psychiatrist, then called her on the phone. He explained the situation to her, telling her that Kel was a friend of Johnny’s, and that Johnny might respond to him. She gave her permission for Kel to visit.
Joe and Kel went to the ICU. Kel walked through the door to Johnny’s room and saw Johnny lying in the bed. Joe was right; he looked like an empty shell. Kel felt tears burn his eyes.
“Johnny? It’s Kel. I’m sorry I haven’t been here. I was having some problems and Joe put me on bedrest for a week.” He took Johnny’s hand. It was limp. “Johnny, can you hear me?” Johnny made no response. His eyes didn’t flicker; he made no movements. Kel looked at Joe.
“Just how sedated is he, Joe?”
“Heavily.”
“Stop it. It’s readily apparent that he is over sedated. I’m surprised he’s still breathing.”
“Kel, Anne wanted him to have total and complete rest. She felt that part of his emotional lability was being caused by his pain and fatigue. She’s a good psychiatrist.”
“That may be, but he can’t deal with his problems if he isn’t conscious. He can’t remain this way, forever.”
“Well, he’s been this way for five days now. I think that’s long enough to keep him under. I’ll d/c the sedation.”
“Thanks, Joe.”
They waited for 24 hours for Johnny to wake up. During that time, Kel called his lawyer and had him send over the mortgage payments and fees to the bank. The ranch belonged to Kel again. Then, Kel gave Matt Sherman Johnny’s aunt’s name and address with instructions to send her a monthly check until further notice. He also set up time with his lawyer to compose a will, as well as add Johnny to his bank account. Never again did he want Johnny to go through the pain and anguish he went through when he couldn’t make the payments on the ranch.
“Mm”
Kel looked at Johnny. He was starting to wake up.
“Johnny?” Kel walked to his bedside.
Johnny groaned once more.
“Come on, Johnny. Open your eyes. It’s time to wake up.” Kel spoke softly to him.
Johnny’s eyelids fluttered. He tried to open his eyes. The lids were so heavy.
“Come on, Johnny. You can do it. Try harder. Open your eyes.”
Johnny finally opened his eyes a slit. His vision was blurry. He blinked several times and brought the room into focus.
He saw the person looking down at him. “Kel?”
“I’m here.”
“You went away. You left me.” His eyes looked sad. It made Kel feel guilty.
“Not by choice, Johnny. I was done in. I pushed myself past my limit. Joe put me on bedrest. I’m sorry I wasn’t here for you. But I’m here now, and I’m not leaving, unless you want me to leave.”
“You want to stay? With me?”
“Yes, I do, Johnny. I want to stay with you forever, if that’s what you want. On our ranch.”
“The ranch is gone. They took it away.”
“No, Johnny. The ranch is ours. It belongs to us.”
“But I couldn’t pay. I missed the payments. They foreclosed.”
“The bank stopped the foreclosure. It rightfully belongs to us again. What do you say that you hurry up and get better so we can go home?”
“Is that what you want, Kel? Do you want me?”
“I think that’s my line, Johnny. Do you want me? You weren’t sure that you did.”
“You’re all I’ve ever wanted; all I’ll ever want. I just didn’t want to keep being hurt all the time.”
“I want you too, Johnny.”
It took Johnny another two days to wake up completely from the sedation. Once he was fully awake, he noticed that he had a feeding tube in his stomach. He became upset and hit his call light. The nurse came in and Johnny immediately asked, “why is this in my abdomen? Who put it there?”
Pam, his day nurse, answered him. “Dr. Early took you to surgery and placed the feeding tube in order to save your life. Johnny, you were no longer responding to anyone. You were losing weight rapidly and becoming in danger of dying.”
“Call him. Tell him I want to see him, now.”
Joe arrived in the ICU within a few minutes. “Johnny, is something the matter?” Joe had already spoken to Pam and knew what Johnny was angry about.
“Yeah, Doc, there is. Why did you put a feeding tube in me without my permission?” Johnny was fuming.
“You were dying, Johnny. You were literally starving to death. You had given up. You wouldn’t respond to us. You weren’t making any effort to tell us what you wanted. I made the decision based on what I believed was in your best interest.” Joe calmly told Johnny.
Kel walked in at that moment. He saw the anger on Johnny’s face and the stubborn look on Joe’s.
“What’s going on?”
“Did you even stop to think that maybe dying was the decision I had already made?”
“Is that what you want, Johnny? Do you still want to die?” Joe asked.
A look of fear came over Kel’s face. “Johnny? Is Joe right? Do you want to die?” Johnny had attempted suicide once before. Was he suicidal again? What the hell had happened?
Johnny looked at Kel. “I didn’t say that.”
“Then let’s be clear, Johnny. What are you saying?” Johnny saw the way Kel had closed himself off from him. Johnny began shaking. He asked himself ‘what are you doing? You’re pushing Kel away. Is that what you want?’ Johnny realized he was testing them, especially Kel. They had hurt him. Joe had hurt him by keeping Johnny away from Kel. Kel had hurt him badly, twice now. He wanted to punish them. Was that why he doing this? What was it going to take for him to believe that Kel loved him, that everyone cared for him? He was punishing Kel for something Kel had had no control over this time. He was punishing Joe for not letting him be with Kel throughout his rehab. Johnny wasn’t a vindictive person. He’d never done this to anyone before. He didn’t know what was going on anymore.
Joe and Kel both saw Johnny shaking. They didn’t speak. They had to let Johnny figure things out for himself.
“What am I doing? I don’t want to do this! I thought I wanted to punish you for hurting me. But that isn’t true. I don’t want to punish you. And I don’t want to die. I did, but I don’t anymore. I’m scared. Oh, God, I’m scared.” Johnny did not notice the tears falling from his eyes.
Joe whispered to Kel and left the room. Johnny continued to cry, covering his face. He was ashamed. Kel stood next to Johnny’s bed. He didn’t touch Johnny, but asked, “Johnny, do you know what you’re afraid of?”
“I don’t know. I don’t know. But it’s something bad. Really bad,” he sobbed.
A few minutes later, Dr. Anne Reynolds entered the room followed by Joe Early. Joe had related the events that had resulted in Johnny’s breakdown. She asked Joe and Kel to wait for her in the waiting room. She spent the next hour with Johnny. After they reached a breakthrough, she told Johnny that she needed to bring Kel and Joe back in so they could sit and talk together; Kel because of his importance in Johnny’s life, and Joe because of him being a father figure to Johnny. After he nodded his okay, she left his room.
Joe and Kel sat in the waiting room. Neither man knew what to say about the outburst from Johnny. Kel began. “How did all this start, Joe? I feel like I’ve walked into the middle of a “Twilight Zone” episode. Never have I ever seen Johnny behave that way.”
“Pam called me to tell me that Johnny was angry about the feeding tube. She said he practically demanded that I come immediately. I told him that he was dying and that I determined it to be the best course of action to save his life. Then he said that maybe he had already decided that he wanted to die. That’s where you came in.”
“What was that bit about wanting to punish us for hurting him? Johnny has never been vindictive. I don’t understand where all of this is coming from.”
“I think that Anne will get to the bottom of it. Kel, don’t let his actions today cause you to pull away from him.”
“I won’t, Joe, not today’s actions alone. But I have to question if being with Johnny is best for either one of us in the long run. We have been through so many ups and downs. I don’t know if I have the desire to keep trying.”
Anne entered the waiting room and saw Joe and Kel sitting together. Both men looked drained. They saw her and stood. “We’ve had a breakthrough, gentlemen. I want to bring you both back to his room. Kel, because you are the most important person in his life, what we talk about affects you directly. Joe, because Johnny sees you as a father, part of this will also affect you directly. He will need both of your strengths through this. He has calmed down somewhat. I expect that he will fall apart again in this meeting. But he will, eventually, be all right.”
The trio walked through the ICU doors and back to Johnny’s room. Johnny was lying semi upright on his bed. His eyes were red from crying. He had a hesitant look on his face as if he didn’t know what to expect from Kel or Joe. Dr. Reynolds approached his bed and said, “Johnny, I’ve brought Kel and Joe back in so they could hear from you why you were so upset earlier. Do you think you can tell them what caused you to break down as you did?”
Johnny looked at Kel and Joe. They had blank expressions on their faces. They stood quietly and watched Johnny. Johnny began shaking again. He wasn’t sure that either one of them was interested in hearing from him anymore. He was determined not to cry. He had brought all this on himself. He had no one else to blame.
Anne saw how hard Johnny was working to keep control of his emotions. She watched Kel and Joe stand there, looking like wax figures. She walked over to the two men and angrily whispered, “he is trying to hold on to his composure as best he can. If either of you are no longer interested in hearing what he has to say, then leave. Your present attitude is having a bad effect on him. He does not need it!”
Johnny heard the doctor’s comments. He got up from his bed and looked directly at Joe. He quickly began to speak before he lost his nerve.
“When you and Kel’s parents started talking about his rehab, I was left out completely. I didn’t disagree with the plan, even though I knew I wasn’t going to be able to see him for three months. I just wanted Kel to get better. You decided on the rehab unit where he would go, where he would live after he left rehab, and how long he’d be gone. You never talked to me about when I could see him or even if I could see him. None of you spoke to me or even looked at me. You all completely ignored me. You treated me like I wasn’t even there. I felt like I was nothing. I never thought I’d ever feel that way again, but I did, by the man who’d become like a father to me.” Joe could feel his eyes tearing up. He hadn’t realized how he’d acted towards Johnny. He’d been so wrapped up in Kel and his situation, that he couldn’t see what he was doing to Johnny. Looking back, he could see how Johnny would think what he did.
Kel stood quietly and listened to Johnny. He hadn’t known what had transpired while he was injured.
Johnny stepped closer to Kel and looked directly into his eyes. Johnny’s eyes were dry. His back was straight. He stood tall and began to speak.
“Then, Mom… Your mom called me and invited me to dinner. She told me that Joe thought it was a good idea, that maybe it would push you to regain your memories. I didn’t want to get my hopes up; I’d already done that so many times and been disappointed. But I did hope, so badly, that this time would be the day you remembered that you loved me.
When I saw you walk into the room, I was so happy to see you. It had been three months since I’d seen you. You looked so good. I just wanted to stand there and stare at you. You barely glanced at me. You nodded at me; you never even called me by my name. You turned away from me and looked at everyone else as you said, ‘are we going to stand around or are we going to have dinner’. You walked out of the room without looking at me. You didn’t want me there. I was nobody to you. You treated me like I was nothing. I’d been made to feel like that all my life. And here I was, far away from Montana and still feeling like I was nothing.
When I said to you both in the room that I was scared, I knew that I was scared of something that was really bad. I didn’t know what the really bad something was. I do now.” Tears started in Johnny’s eyes, but he kept eye contact with Kel and Joe. “I tried so hard to put my past behind me, to move forward and forget about what I’d gone through. But there must be something in me that makes others not see me, that makes me a nobody, that makes others treat me like I’m nothing.” With tears rolling down his cheeks, he turned away and looked at Dr. Reynolds. “Can you help me? Can you help me change so that people will see me? I don’t want to be a nobody, a nothing anymore.” His strength gave out and he fell to his knees. He wrapped his casted arms around his aching body and hunched over as he began to quietly sob.
Kel looked at Johnny as he collapsed after his heartfelt plea for help, not from Kel, but from the psychiatrist. Dr. Reynolds and Joe both went to Johnny’s aid. They helped him back to his bed, then Dr. Reynolds went to the nurse’s station to order some medication to calm Johnny.
Kel thought about the courage it took for Johnny to get up from his hospital bed and speak to him and Joe. He was sure that they’d looked anything but understanding. Kel had not intended to make Johnny feel uneasy; he just couldn’t think of anything to say to him. He was thinking about what he’d told Joe in the waiting room about lacking the desire to try to work things out with Johnny.
Is that the way he really felt? He’d also been through a traumatic event. Is that what was causing him to feel no emotion where Johnny was concerned? He felt like he’d been on a roller coaster that had been going forever. Had he lost his ability to feel emotions? He’d felt them when Johnny opened his eyes in the ICU and Kel saw an empty shell looking back at him. Now, they seemed to be gone again.
Anne came back to Johnny’s room. She told Joe that the nurse would be coming with diazepam to sedate Johnny. Then she walked over to Kel. “Do you think so little of Johnny? Is there a reason why you treated him so badly? I told you that you meant everything to him. Did it make you feel good, treating him so coldly?”
Joe quickly intervened, “Anne, Kel was injured himself three months ago. He was in a coma. Lighten up on him.”
Anne quickly looked Kel over. “I need to see you. I want to hear about everything that happened from the beginning; what you were like before the injury as well as what you’ve been like after the injury. Don’t leave anything out. I need to talk with your physician, as well.”
“That would be me.” Joe said.
“After Johnny receives his sedative, I want to see you in my office gentlemen, both of you.”
After Johnny had been medicated and was asleep, the trio left the room. Ninety minutes later, Dr. Anne Reynolds diagnosed Kel with post-traumatic stress. She apologized to him for her behavior in the ICU and started him on low dose amitriptyline. She set up an appointment with him in one week for therapy.
Johnny slept soundly for fourteen hours. He woke up the next day feeling tired and sad. He figured that Kel would not be back to see him since he’d been so uncaring yesterday. Johnny had a decision to make. He couldn’t stay in Los Angeles and be so close to Kel anymore. Their days together were over, and Johnny knew that he would always maintain some hope of them getting back together if he stayed. It would be better if Johnny moved far away from Kel.
Dr. Reynolds came in to see Johnny that afternoon. She had a smile on her face. “Good afternoon, Johnny. Are you feeling better today?”
“A little. Not much to feel better about, to be honest.”
“Because of what happened yesterday, you mean?” Johnny nodded his head.
“I wouldn’t let what happened yesterday rule your feelings, Johnny. I think a lot of good things happened yesterday.”
Johnny looked at her with a question in his eyes.
“Let’s see. You had a breakthrough. You stood up for yourself, not once but twice. You showed great courage. And I think you impressed not one, not two, but three doctors yesterday.”
“What three doctors did I impress?”
“Well, me for starters. Then there was Dr. Early. Didn’t you see the tears in his eyes, Johnny? You made him open his eyes and see his own behavior. That was a good thing. Let’s see, then there was Dr. Brackett. I guess you weren’t awake to see how you impressed him, but take my word for it, you did.”
“I don’t think I believe that one, Doc. He doesn’t care about me anymore. He didn’t show any kind of response to me after I talked about what he did.”
“Don’t be so quick to jump to conclusions, Johnny. You don’t know everything that happened yesterday. I can’t tell you about it, but I think that you can expect to see Dr. Kelly Brackett again.
Johnny, I am going to start seeing you every day for a while. We need to talk about your past. It still has a great hold over you. It’s time you control it instead of it controlling you. One word of advice; don’t hold everything in until you have a breakdown before you say something. Have a little faith in yourself, Johnny.”
Kel was home again. He’d been home for several days. He looked over the house, the barn, the pasture where the horses were peacefully grazing and felt himself relaxing. He was still on sick leave but close to being ready to go back to work. He was seeing Dr. Reynolds once a week but she thought he’d be able to return to work and meet with her every 2-4 weeks. The amitriptyline was working. He began to feel more like his old self again.
He had not been to see Johnny, who was still in the hospital but no longer in ICU. He wanted to see him very much, but Dr. Reynolds had told Kel to wait several days before doing so. She told him to think back on his time with Johnny and see if he remembered or felt any of the emotions he’d had for him before his accident occurred. Kel had done as she suggested. He was happy that he’d felt some of those earlier feelings; the love and happiness of being together. He remembered the deep and abiding love he’d felt for Johnny that night they’d had dinner with Joe and Dixie. He remembered the surge of pure love that had poured out as he’d made love to Johnny that night. He wanted those feelings back.
Kel thought back to the early days when he’d met Johnny, and the three months they’d spent together. He remembered how tight-lipped and private Johnny was in the hospital. He remembered how Johnny had told him that he would love him forever as they met their last time together by the mountain lake. Johnny had held to those words. He’d loved Kel for the three years that they did not see each other. He was an 18-year-old kid, but he had remained true to Kel. For Johnny to have done that at such a young age spoke to the strength of character that Johnny possessed.
The time seemed so long ago already, over four years. Johnny had never asked him why he’d never answered Johnny’s letters. Kel had received letters from Johnny all the way up to his graduation from medical school. But he’d never responded to any of them. Kel remembered that he’d been unsure of his feelings at first. Later, he’d decided that while he loved Johnny, he wasn’t in love with him. Kel’s arrogance had caused him to believe that Johnny didn’t measure up to him. He’d thought that Johnny wasn’t good enough for him once he became a doctor. That thought now made Kel feel ashamed. Johnny had always been, and still was, a good, kind, compassionate, forgiving, and caring man. Truthfully, Kel decided he didn’t measure up to Johnny. Maybe someday, he would become the kind of man Johnny already was.
After a week of examining his feelings for Johnny, he wanted to see him again. He drove to Rampart and entered the ER. He saw Dixie as he walked in.
“Well, hello stranger. You look a little familiar to me. Do I know you?” she smiled as she waited for his response.
“Hi, Dix. I’m happy to say that I’m almost the same old friend you used to know.”
“Well, I knew that man wouldn’t stay away too long. He’s a good man. He needs to get his butt back up here and straighten this place up. He’s been away too long. Everything’s gone to pot with that old Dr. Early running things.”
“Did I hear someone besmirching my good name?” Joe Early said as he walked up to the nurse’s station.
“Well, I don’t know, Joe. Do you know this character that has run my ER into the ground?” Kel grinned.
“Are you two troublemakers planning a coup? I’ll have you know that this place is running like a well-oiled machine. But if you’re coming back, you’ll mess up all the good I’ve done.”
“I don’t know how to thank you, Joe. Or you either, Dix. I’ve come to see Johnny. I was hoping to find out how he’s doing before I go up. I don’t even know his room number.”
Dixie took her morning break and walked into the break room with Joe and Kel. Joe started the conversation.
“Johnny is doing much better. Anne has been working with him daily. I don’t know what she’s said to him, but her notes say that he’s ready to advance to weekly visits. He has life back in his eyes, Kel.”
“But there is still some sadness in his eyes, as well, Joe. Kel, I don’t know what you plan to tell Johnny. He is definitely stronger, but I don’t think he’s ready for bad news.”
“Anne helped me as well. Dix, I have no idea what I’m going to say to Johnny. I know that I want to see him. I’ve missed him very much. I’d recognized that I wasn’t feeling any warm emotions where Johnny was concerned, but I came to the wrong conclusions about it. I thought that I wasn’t in love with him anymore. I think I was wrong; I think I love him but that’s why I need to see him. To make sure I’m not deluding myself. Anne told me that Johnny was strong enough now, for us to be able to talk.”
“I wish you well, Kel. Let me know if I need to see him after you leave. He’s in room 326.”
“Thanks, Joe. See you, Dixie.”
Kel stopped outside the door to Johnny’s room. He took a deep breath and knocked on the door.
“Come in.” He heard Johnny’s voice. It was calm and welcoming.
Kel took a deep breath and opened the door. Bright, warm sunshine was streaming into the room.
Johnny was sitting in a chair near the window. He was wearing regular pajamas bottoms with a white t-shirt to accommodate his casts. His casts had been changed. The tops of the casts were now below his elbows. He was able to move his arms freely. He looked up as Kel walked in. Johnny held his breath. “Kel,” he sighed. Johnny just stared, drinking in Kel’s presence in his room. He had been both looking forward to, and dreading, this day.
“How are you, Johnny?” Kel stood just inside the door.
“Better. You can come all the way in, you know.” He gently smiled.
Kel walked into the room and stood next to Johnny. He remained silent, watching Johnny. He didn’t know how to begin. Johnny looked down at the floor, then looked up at Kel. He began to speak.
“Dr. Reynolds helped me a lot. She told me that, as an adult, I’ve always had control of my life. She was right. I just couldn’t see it. What I don’t have is control over other people’s lives or their actions. I can only control how I respond to their words or actions. She helped me to see that what happened to me as a child was unfair, and wrong, and terrible. Horrible. And not my fault. But it happened, so I needed to deal with it. I didn’t know how to do that. She helped me with that, too.
I’m much better now. I know that I’ll have days when the past comes back to haunt me, but I think I’ll be able to handle it much better than I did before. So much of what happened to me as a kid affected my decisions in my adult life. It’s a struggle to keep the past in the past and not make decisions based on who I was, but who I am now.
I’m going to be alright, no matter what you are here to say to me today. I am afraid of what you’re going to tell me.” Johnny looked down at the floor. “But, if you’re here to tell me that you don’t want me anymore, that you don’t love me, I’ll accept it and move on.” Johnny looked up at Kel.
Kel looked at Johnny sitting in the chair, watching him. His expression was a little tense, but his eyes were clear. Once again, Kel saw the strength of character that was Johnny Gage.
“Johnny, I want to tell you something very important.”
Johnny sat quietly, looking into Kel’s eyes, and listening to the words coming from Kel.
“I don’t know if anyone told you, but Dr. Reynolds diagnosed me with post-traumatic stress. I’m on medication that has helped me. I met with her a week ago for therapy. I will start back to work in a few days but continue to see her. She helped me to see that my feelings were being affected by the stress from my accident. She told me to reflect on the past before the accident. I’ve done that.
I’ve spent this last week thinking about you and about me. I realized that I’ve been a sanctimonious ass to you. I put myself on a moral high horse. I thought I was better than everyone, especially you. I didn’t think that there was any way that you could measure up to me. That was my arrogance that caused me to believe that. I don’t feel that way anymore, Johnny. I haven’t, for a long time.
I am amazed at your strength of character. You’ve taken responsibility for your actions since I’ve known you. Johnny, you are a better man than I will ever be. You are kind and incredibly forgiving. You have compassion for others. You are a good man. Someday, if I work hard, I may measure up to you.
I realized something else, too. After you moved in with us that summer, when we got together the first time, I had difficulty figuring out what my feelings were toward you. Since I met you, I’ve always known that I loved you, but I didn’t know if I was in love with you. I finally figured it out. Johnny, I loved the boy you were. I fell in love with the man you became.”
Kel moved over to Johnny, who stood up as Kel came toward him. Kel looked into Johnny’s eyes as he put his arms around Johnny and whispered, “And I am still deeply in love with that man,” and kissed him. Johnny wrapped his arms around Kel, turned his face into Kel’s neck, and let himself be held. He was home.
Epilogue
Kel returned to work the following week. He transitioned back into the job with little difficulty. His therapy with Dr. Anne Reynolds had a bonus. It helped him to set boundaries. He learned to give over control to others at the end of his shifts instead of remaining long past time to leave. He owed it to himself, as well as to Johnny, to maintain a healthy balance between work and life. He realized that being the medical director of the ER did not mean he had to be at the hospital all the time.
Kel spent a lot of his time with Johnny. After his shift ended, he would go up to Johnny’s room and they would have candid conversations about both important and unimportant topics. They were learning how to communicate better with each other. Kel noticed the changes Dr. Reynolds had engendered in Johnny. Johnny had come to terms with what had been done to him as a child. He had accepted himself as a person. Seeing Johnny become a man more self-assured and comfortable in his own skin warmed Kel. He loved the man Johnny was before, but seeing the changes in him now, Kel hadn’t known it was possible to love Johnny even more deeply, but he did.
Kel’s house key had never been found, so Kel had the locks changed. Kel met with his lawyer and drafted a will. He named Johnny as his beneficiary. He then went to his bank and had Johnny’s name added to his account. He would bring Johnny by to sign the signature card once he was out of the hospital.
Coming home to the ranch was a special day for Johnny. He’d remained in the hospital for four more weeks until he finally began gaining weight while eating regular food, although his food was high in protein and healthy fats. His feeding tube, his casts, and his central line, were gone.
All his crewmates from Station 51 were standing on the drive, along with their wives or significant others. Kel’s parents, and Joe and Dixie were also waiting on the drive when Kel pulled in with Johnny beside him. Dixie had gotten Kel’s house key and she and the firemen’s wives and Marco’s mom had fixed a superb feast for Johnny for this special day. There were also casseroles and other quick meals in the freezer, all high in protein.
Johnny greeted everyone on the driveway, receiving pats on the back from the men and hugs from the women. Roy hugged Johnny, and spoke several quiet words with him, that brought a smile to Johnny’s face. When Captain Hammer presented Johnny with a commendation for his actions in saving Roy and the two missing men in the factory fire and collapse that had injured Johnny, Kel looked Cap in the eye and nodded his thanks. He was very proud of Johnny.
Johnny and Kel remained outside while Joe and Calvin ushered everyone into the house. Johnny was overcome with joy when he saw the house and barn. Looking beyond the house, he saw the horses standing at the fence. He headed to the pasture. Johnny hugged each of the three friends he had not seen in months. Tears of happiness leaked from his eyes.
Kel had followed Johnny to the pasture. After petting and talking to each horse, he pulled Johnny away from the fence, wrapped him in his arms, and gently but thoroughly kissed his lover. “Come on, Baby, let’s go inside. Welcome home.”
The End
pvoigt5227 on Chapter 1 Fri 14 Mar 2025 12:43PM UTC
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Cheryl75 on Chapter 1 Fri 14 Mar 2025 02:46PM UTC
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sbaci on Chapter 3 Thu 20 Mar 2025 11:46PM UTC
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Odalisque (Guest) on Chapter 3 Sun 23 Mar 2025 08:26PM UTC
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Kat1983 on Chapter 4 Tue 25 Mar 2025 03:21PM UTC
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