Work Text:
The Outlook bell chimed as an email landed in Mike's mailbox. He quirked an eyebrow. It was middle of the work day and he was stuck doing paperwork --- which was so boring! Mind-numbingly boring! Mike could feel his braincells shriveling up and dying from under stimulation. Better work for the interns and receptionists. But nooo... he stops in the middle of pursuit for a donut one time, and now he's stuck at his desk while Dave gets to chillax at home. Being a cop just wasn't fair...
As much as he would love to neglect his duties, he was so bored... so he clicked on it without actually reading anything. It was from a gmail account with a bunch of random numbers and letters. Subject: "MIKE CLICK".
Huh. Well... his name was Mike... and he did like to click things... and he was bored...
The body of the email was one thing, a Zoom link.
The instructions were pretty clear. And, honestly, if this was going to give him a virus, it would give him an excuse to not be working. Maybe it was one of those ones that spread over the network. Shutting down the precinct would at least be interesting!
So... he clicked!
His Zoom application popped up. The circle spun for a moment before it loaded, and... it was....
"Dave?" Mike said out loud. Then he allowed his mic to connect and repeated. "Dave?"
Dave smiled at his camera. He was wearing a suit and tie --- a good one. One he Mike hadn't seen before. Dave's hand rested on his tie and he tightened it a little. A gold band on his finger glinted. That was weird. Something weird was happening. Other than his clothes, Dave was also acting weird. He hadn't even said anything yet, but the look on his face was... cognizant. Cognizant and genuine.
"Hi, Mike."
Mike's reflection, himself with his reading glasses in his uniform, blinked. "What stunt are you pulling?"
"Oh, nothing, Mike," Dave said, voice soft. "Could you open the drawer to your desk for me?"
"What? Uh, sure..." Mike bowed his head. He scooted back in his chair and pulled open the long, flat drawer that was right under his keyboard.
"There should be a little box. Check the right corner."
As Dave had said, there was a box. A ring box. Mike snatched it up and opened it. It was a golden band, very simple. No fancy rocks or carved inscriptions or anything like that.
"What are you playing at, Dave?" Mike asked, squinting at his little Zoom video.
Dave adjusted his tie again. It was almost like he was nervous or something. But Dave wasn't the type of guy who got nervous. A third square joined the screen. It was a priest... or, at least, a really well dressed man who gave off priest vibes.
Mike opened his mouth, but before he could speak, Dave said, "Thank you for coming."
"No problem." The priestly guy bowed his head.
"What's happening?" Mike glared at the interloper, then back at Dave.
Dave's smile was... sweet. It freaked Mike out. "I signed us up for e-wedding services."
"What?"
The priest guy began to speak. It sounded like the words related to a wedding. Mike didn't know. He'd never actually been to a wedding before, just seen them on tv and movies, or heard about his fellow cops speak about theirs in the usually masculine disdain that they treated their wives with. But, Mike would never do that to Dave.
He got distracted imagining a regular wedding between him and his partner. It didn't particularly feel fulfilling or awesome. Dave's "friends" would be there, and the fat one would've eaten all their cake. Eddie's wedding gift would probably get them arrested, and Mike wasn't allowed to report Eddie for Dave's sake.... now that he was thinking about it, a wedding sounded like a nightmare. Tight suit, corralling Dave to stand still for five minutes, a snippy comment from the photographer telling him to "look at the camera" when Mike's lazy eye wasn't looking directly at them, Dave's weird-ass friends and whatever weirder plus-ones they brought... yeah, no, he'd rather not.
But this wasn't that. This was... a wedding over Zoom? Scratch that earlier promise of Mike never recounting his wedding with disgust --- he was absolutely livid.
"Is this a prank, Dave?" he asked loudly, trying to interrupt the priest guy, but to no avail. The priest guy kept talking. "Don't ignore me!"
It was as if they couldn't hear him. The speech went onwards, speaking of matrimony and whatever, and Dave acting uncharacteristically bashful. Was Mike in the Twilight Zone? This had to have been an elaborate prank? Right? Right?
"Hey! I'm talking to you!" He noticed there was a muted icon next to his name. Those assholes! "Dave!"
Dave was acting as if he didn't even see Mike's little square where he was yelling and gesticulating rudely at the screen. The priest didn't either. This had to have been a prank. Dave ignoring him? Sure, fine. Dave was a weirdo freak. But anyone else? There's no way the priest saw him flipping off the screen and thought, "what a lovely, real couple who had definitely planned this out beforehand..!"
"Do you, Dave, take Mike to be your lawfully wedded husband, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and health, until death do you part?"
"A little extreme, but yeah, sure," Dave said, acting much more casual. It was a return to self, one that put Mike at ease. "I do love you Mike. I couldn't imagine shooting birds with anyone else. And since you make me file your taxes, you could at least make it easier for me. I can file our taxes together this way. It's way more convenient."
Mike couldn't stop the flush that was creeping up his neck. Dave could be really suave when he wanted to be. At least, before the tax filling part. That just made sense. He couldn't argue with that.
The priest made a face, obviously unable to recognize affection when he heard it. Was this... not a prank...?
"Okay... uh... " The priest guy cleared his throat. "Do you, Mike, take Dave to be your lawfully wedded husband, to..."
As Mike's vows were being read, he was preparing to protest. There wouldn't be an 'does anyone object?' moment due to there only being the two of them in the Zoom, so this would be his only chance to do this in a cool and dramatic way. They'd have to unmute him for this part. He had to verbally agree!
"... for richer, for poorer, in sickness and health, until death do you part?"
Mike started. "I---"
'Mike' said. "I do."
"What?" Mike blinked, startled by his own voice.
Dave was a great actor and liar, but Mike caught the subtle smug smirk on his face. It was there for just a moment, before it vanished, and he looked to be as aloof as usual. That sneaky bastard. He must've had an isolated sound clip of Mike.
"Damn right, you do." Dave grinned. It was cheeky. "Oh, uh, and he doesn't want to add anything else. He's shy in front of others."
"Alright. I pronounce you husband and husband. You may kiss when you see each other next. The last thing is we'll need your signatures on a form we send you, which can be done digitally." As if on cue, Mike heard an email being received. "Just send that back to us, and it's official."
"Awesome. Thanks!" Dave waved at the camera, and then the Zoom ended abruptly.
Mike sat in his office in complete silence.
That... had to have been a prank, right? Still stunned, he clicked on the email he just got. This one was from a more official looking wedding service, but... no. He wasn't stupid. This had to have been an elaborate ruse. Dave had some powerful friends who could pull off technical and complicated stunts if they so chose.
Mike looked at the ring, still sitting snug in its box.
Right. Dave could've left this here, but Mike swore it wasn't there yesterday night, and Dave had been off the past two days. If this wasn't a prank, then how did he get this ring here? Not like any of the other officers would've helped out --- or maybe they would have? Being a gay cop didn't earn him any favors. Men kissing was peak comedy to some of his moronic co-workers. Mike didn't like them. But everyone liked Dave. Dave could've convinced anyone to play along with the punchline of "Mike is gay and it's really funny." The only other option was that someone broke into the police station last night and planted a ring here. Which... Mike wouldn't put past him, either. Whether he did it himself or got one of his friends to do it for him. Dave had weird friends.
He stared at the email and clicked on the PDF. It opened adobe reader. The documents also looked official. It had to have been a prank, though. There's no way it wasn't.
So... should he sign it? Dave was expecting him not to, right? At least, that's what made sense. Dave wasn't stupid, even though he acted stupid. He obviously knew that Mike wasn't expecting this and didn't want this. So... what happens if he did sign it? What then? There was no way it was official, obviously. Signing it wouldn't do anything. But Mike could sign it, subverting Dave's expectations, and win this little chess game that Dave had sprung on him.
So, he signed it.
Mike turned the knob with his ringed hand, opening the door to their apartment. In is other hand, he held a bouquet of generic-looking flowers, fresh from the florist down town.
Dave looked up from the couch, flush against the other wall. He was watching TV. "Oh, there you are, Mike, I was wondering when you'd get---" Dave stopped talking and blinked. "Flowers?"
"Well, we're married now, aren't we?" Mike shrugged. He tossed the bouquet at Dave, who jumped when they landed on him. "Now for my list of demands:"
"Mike, I---"
Mike started, cutting him off. "One, no more coming in late at night from... wherever you go. And if you do, be more quiet. Some people are trying to sleep."
"I---"
"Two, if you're going to go dumpster diving, take a shower when you get home. Immediately."
"I---"
"Three, stop hanging out with Eddie so much, and, ugh," Mike groaned. "What is it, Dave?"
"I can't believe you actually signed the document." Dave's eyes were wider than usual. "It was pretty funny, actually. I wasn't expecting you to go through with it."
Mike smirked. "I knew you weren't. That's why I signed them. I could see through your ruse."
"Aw." Dave didn't actually sound sad. If anything, he sounded happy. He definitely looked happy, but he had a resting smiley face like a freak.
"So what, are we going to return these?" Mike raised his hand and wiggled his ring finger, the golden band glinting in the dim light of their apartment.
Dave tilted his head. He looked at his own ring. "I mean... we can, if you want. They aren't worth much. It would be more of a hassle to return them."
Mike sighed. "Well, if we keep them, then people will think we are actually married."
"We---"
"I guess neither of us have to wear them, but I kind of like how it feels."
"We---"
"It feels very sophisticated. I never thought I was a ring type of guy, but... who knows!"
Dave, without an ounce of annoyance at being cut off multiple times in one conversation, said, "We are actually married, Mike. You signed the documents."
"...What?"
"You signed the documents."
"I heard you the first time!" Mike barked.
"Oh, well you said, 'what', so I---"
"They were real documents?"
"Yeah."
"That was a real priest?"
"Yeah."
"Oh my god, Dave!"
"In my defense, I wasn't expecting you to go through with it, Mike." Dave furrowed his eyebrows, but he didn't actually look upset. "I just thought it would be funny."
"So instead of getting a paid actor, you hired a real company that did real virtual weddings and would send us real legally binding documentation?"
"Yeah."
"Dave!"
"What?"
"I hate you! What is wrong with you?"
"Aw, don't say that, Mike. You love me."
Mike sighed. He rubbed his face with his hands, pushing up his glasses. "Jesus. I need a drink."
Though Mike wasn't looking at him, he could tell Dave was smiling as he cheered, "We can pop a bottle of champagne. To the newly weds!"
Mike snapped his head up, glaring. "Is this all just a joke to you? Our partnership? Everything?"
"Dude. Now you're putting words in my mouth." Dave frowned. "I was being serious when I said I loved you, Mike."
"I know that," Mike grumbled.
"And I was also being serious about the taxes thing, too."
"I know that too, but --- why?" Mike asked, somewhat desperately. "What were you trying to do?"
"Well." Dave bobbed his head, as if listening to music only he could hear. "I thought it was funny. And I knew you would be bored today. You hate desk duty."
Oh, right. Mike completely forget about how bored he was this morning.
"So I decided to make your day more interesting."
"It... was... more... interesting..." The admission scraped against his throat like sandpaper.
"And, now we're married." Dave looked down at his hand, and then to the bouquet. "These are really pretty, Mike."
"I.. thought you'd like the... small, whiteish yellow looking ones." Mike pointed to one of the bunches of flowers in the arrangement. They were flower clusters, each flower smaller than his fingernail, all bunched together. He didn't know flower names and he didn't ask. He just thought Dave would like them, and he might as well get something Dave would like when he was committing to the bit.
Dave spun the bouquet in his hands. He looked up, face absent of any strong opinions. "We could always get divorced."
Mike sighed for what felt like the one-hundredth time. "Let's wait for tax season to be over, so you can file us together."
"Really?"
"Yeah."
Dave smiled. "You're the best, Mike!"
Make that one hundred and one sighs.