Chapter Text
But when I’m gone who will be left to be proud of you? Not your friends the jokes on you, it’s always been on you. Your friends have been lying to you from the start. They’ve mocked you, humiliated you, betrayed you, every last one. I’m about to die, but at least I lived without ever being a fool. You’re left with no one and nothing.
These were the last words Lex gasped out as he died in front of Lena and she had replayed them over and over until they were permanently branded into her brain. She sat in her penthouse watching the thunderstorm setting in, uncommon in National City, but fitting, she felt, to the state of her life. She shot Lex. She killed Lex. He died in front of her eyes. She still couldn’t believe that she had actually done it. She was stuck in a loop in her mind that she couldn’t escape. And the worst part was that, Lex was right. She shot her own brother, because she thought she had finally created a family that loved her unconditionally. She thought she had found the love that she had always craved and believed that she was undeserving of. Kara Danvers.
The blonde haired, glassy blue eyed, sunshine of a person appeared in her mind. She loved her. She never meant to, she never wanted to. But how could she not, Lena thought. She then thought back to her early days in National City. She only came here to do something good. After Lex committed mass acts of terrorism and tried to kill half the planet, she hated herself and her name more than ever. Which for Lena was really saying something, she had struggled with her image and self worth her entire life. So when Lex committed his crimes and then Supergirl emerged, she thought she could come to National City and help. Be the force for good that she always knew she could be. Most of all Lena wanted to be a good person and to help people feel a sense of love and safety she had been missing her entire life. And selfishly, somewhere inside she thought that, just maybe, if she proved that she could be good and save the world, alongside a Super at that, people would at least not hate her and maybe even think her life was worth living. She never let herself wish for anymore than that because she knew it would only cause her pain. No one could ever actually love her. She was too damaged. Too broken. And no matter what she did do for the world, she would always be a Luthor.
So she came here to National City, with the bright, warm, sunny weather and people, which really wasn’t her thing, but change was good. When she left Metropolis she made rules for herself and they were very easy and clear cut. Lena was a scientist after all, and therefore knew how to stick to clear procedures set forth, especially set forth by herself. The rules were simple; one, rebrand LuthorCorp to L-Corp ushering in a new era of leadership and with it a new mission to serve the people of Earth. Two, maintain basic self care, Lena had a history of mental health struggles due to her past trauma and she knew that when she did not stick to her mental health needs, she would find herself in crisis. Three, and probably most importantly, “do not allow anyone into your life, you have a mission and in order to achieve it you cannot allow people to use you and betray you, which is the only use they ever have for you.” And it was with these three simple rules she found herself in National City ready to begin the work she was hoping would make her life just a little bit more bearable.
What she didn’t expect, however, was to have Lex shoot her helicopter out of the sky. What she didn’t expect was Clark Kent in her office questioning her, accompanied by one of the most radiant women she had ever seen. What she didn’t expect was that woman to become a reporter whose favorite story seemed to be Lena. What she didn’t expect was for that woman to keep coming back and offering love and friendship. Kara Danvers, reporter for Catco Worldwide Media. That was her name, but to Lena she was so much more. And unfortunately for Lena, she knew after that first meeting that it was going to be much harder to stick to rule number three than she wanted it to be. Eventually, with time she let Kara in. How could she not? Kara was everything that Lena had never known. She was a human ray of sunshine. She was filled with kindness and empathy, that kind of genuineness that when you’re talking you can feel her listening wholly, and taking your words in, as if you matter. And that was it, she made Lena feel like she mattered. So with time Lena gave in. She fell completely and totally in love with Kara, and she thought Kara felt the same. She got to know Kara’s friends and family and they became her own friends and family. Alex. Brainy. Nia. J’onn. Eliza. James. Winn. For the first time she felt loved and as though she mattered.
Until today. Today reality set in. It was brought to her with cold, calculated cruelty. She killed her brother because she believed that these people loved her and were her family. But, Lex, true to his nature until the bitter end, used his final breaths to remind her that they would never care about her. That she was a fool. That she had nothing and no one. And most of all that her biggest fear was true, no matter what she did, no matter who she saved, no matter how much of herself she gave, Lena Luthor would never be the kind of person people want around or can love. She had to accept in that moment that her biggest fear was true, there was something so deeply wrong with her that everyone else could see, that she couldn’t, and therefore she couldn’t fix. Whatever this thing was, though, it made her evil to the world and made her life seem not worth living.
Lena realized in that moment that because she broke rule three, rule two was now broken as well, she was in crisis. She thought of her family then; she had killed Lex, he was gone by her hand. Lillian was in prison. Lionel was dead. She then wondered absentmindedly, if it was time for the last Luthor to also be taken out by her own hand. Lena had been nursing a bottle of bourbon and in that moment she gulped down what little was left. She wondered if she should leave a note? Would anyone even care? Probably not, that’s how she got into this situation to begin with, there was no one to care. She wondered who would find her, and how long it would take. Probably a while.
It was then that Lena found herself moving from the couch overlooking the city to her bathroom. She found a bottle of medication that she had left from a recent injury, during one of her quarterly assassination attempts and mulled over the contents. She had already drank the entire bottle of bourbon, it wouldn’t take many of these pills for her to be able to go to sleep and hopefully not wake up, she thought. The marble was cold on her body as she sat there contemplating her situation. Kara Danvers was Supergirl. She and everyone Lena loved had lied and made a fool out of her for all of these years. Lena knew she should be angry, and maybe part of her was. But mostly, she understood, she hated herself too. Why would it be any different for them. It was with that final thought that she swallowed the pills and laid down. The room became blurry around her and she suddenly felt very tired and very sick. Then, the next thing she knew all she saw was darkness. As she faded into the endless black abyss, she swore she felt something on her body, and heard screams, but she was already floating and couldn’t make out anymore than that.