Chapter 1: Quietly
Chapter Text
The ducks swarmed as Sirius dropped a few peas on the dewy grass around his boots. They’re used to people, Sirius thought to himself, watching them approach unabashedly. But the park was empty at this time of day, save for the stray runner passing by on the path a few hundred feet up the slope from the lake. He doubted it was ever particularly busy, considering the size of the town itself, just a pocket of about 2,000 people pressed up against Cardigan Bay. There were larger towns a few tens of miles inland, but this one had a storybook feel that Sirius felt forgave it of its rural faults and gave it a status of somewhat unique beauty. At least, that’s what he told himself. Really, he’d just closed his eyes and pointed to a map, desperate for something new after everything.
He lobbed the rest of his pocket offering a few yards away to force the honking mass of feathers out from underfoot, and began to trek around the small lake.
This park was tiny compared to the estate property he was used to meandering about, but he cherished the sense of self-containment in a small public park at sunrise. He was determined to know every inch of this new town, this sweet little crop of family houses and small businesses. The first step to stability and independence– knowledge. If he knew every hiding place, every public podium, and every running path in this town, he would never be surprised. James would laugh if he voiced this thought aloud- it would give away the organized, obsessive, nearly compulsive nature he kept hidden beneath a casual nonchalance and a wild head of black curls, silenced under the roar of a motorbike. James. Sirius pondered wistfully as he continued inspecting the weeds and wilds of the pond. So what if he’d seen his brother a day and a half ago? There was nothing like emotional codependency, and Sirius was well aware of the skewed attachment. He just didn’t care. He loved that motherfucker.
Sirius was mentally building photos of James into his developing wall decor when the ducks startled him out of his reverie by greeting a new figure. He’d managed solitude by the water for nearly half an hour and found himself a bit surprised by the existence of other people, having convinced himself he was alone in his fairy wonderland morning walk. He couldn’t make out features but the figure had a head of sandy hair misted with fog and trendy darkened frames that reflected the sun now solidly past the horizon behind Sirius. A patterned sweater stood against the jewel-green grass and the person’s distinct gait was accented by a black forearm crutch pressing into the slightly damp ground with every step. A pattern of silver and black metal glinted from one leg as the sun reflected off an almost futuristic-seeming brace, a small grocery pouch dangling from the hip. The ducks had already gathered around a particular gnarled tree stump near the water’s edge and were back to making a disconcerting amount of noise.
This is who they were waiting for.
It was a certainty- the way the flock watched the figure attentively and did not crowd the man, who was now close enough for Sirius to make out. He was young, possessing compelling– and a bit lopsided, though far from unattractive– features. The slight tension in his face couldn’t hide the natural good humor and levity etched into the shallow lines around his mouth and forehead. Sirius could see his mouth moving as he greeted his charges. The tall man sat heavily on the relatively low stump, and let his crutch fall unceremoniously to the ground. Pushing up his sunglasses, he revealed glittering eyes that seemed to move in tandem with the water flowing in front of him. The ducks were patient, and they were properly rewarded as the man tossed little seeds, fruit slices, and peas to them, even scratching one that ambled up to his side on the head with powder blue painted fingernails.
Sirius was unmoving, still standing directly across the water as he observed. His eyes flicked back and forth from the man to the ducks who so clearly loved him.
After a moment, Sirius shook himself from the spell cast by the morning and the man; he began to finish his circle around the rocky shore. As soon as he began moving, he felt eyes on him and turned to meet the piercing gaze suddenly catching him from across the lake. Blonde strands fell from under the sunglasses on his head as the man tilted his chin slightly, and neither looked away for a moment as Sirius kept walking. It only took a moment of stolen focus, and Sirius blinked as his toe caught on a snake hole, sending him stumbling forward and narrowly catching himself with a hand in the mud before he could fall into the water. He made a horrendously undignified noise and attempted to wipe his now mud-caked hand on the clean grass. Suddenly, the ducks, who had previously been somewhat quiet in their adoration of the man and meal, loosed another startling cacophony of honks, and Sirius looked up to find the cause of their upset– the person across the pond had ceased his feeding of them and was laughing with his whole body. His shoulders jumped as his teeth flashed in the morning sun and Sirius caught traces of his raucous laugh among the screeching of the ducks. Though a light flush of embarrassment rose unbidden from below his collar, Sirius couldn’t help himself as he began to giggle along. He watched as the man’s fit calmed to a chuckle and they smiled at one another a moment before Sirius turned back to his walk, and continued up the hill toward the rest of his day. He could swear he felt eyes on him until he passed the hill.
***
There was little more to say. Esther’s dog ran laps in the tall grass as they watched the sun set. It wasn’t sad, exactly, but there was something mournful and twisted deep in Lane’s chest as he traced Esther’s blue veins up and down the back of her cold hand. Then, Esther grinned, that little sparky, toothless thing that Lane had always
Remus shook his head and his hand out simultaneously. Sparky? Toothless? What the fuck was he on about?
Then, Esther smiled, a crinkling of her eyes and lift of her lips that seemed to shift like a flame briefly across her face.
No, that wasn’t right either.
Esther smiled [*****FIX LATER****]
Great, perfect. Remus frowned and downed the dregs of his coffee. The freaky little cartoon character from a show he’d never seen grinned back at him from the mug, and he wiped his eyes with the back of his hands as if attempting to remove his own story from his mind. He took a deep breath and reminded himself that there were no stakes if he failed. That it’s okay to do things poorly. That it’s necessary, in fact. Lily would be proud.
This reminder did not help, and Remus instead dragged his ass out of the office chair he’d been faithfully settled in for the last three hours in search of more lukewarm coffee. Lily would not be proud.
Thank god Lily made her return to the apartment after only a few minutes of Remus sipping his coffee and stretching idly in the kitchen- now he could stop using her voice in his head to manage his problems and project them onto her in person.
Lily banged through the front door, phone tucked between her ear and shoulder, tossing her keys into the dish and her bag onto its proper hook.
“No, Marlene, that’s exactly what I did not say, I don’t think that he’ll give a fuck, just do it. No, no, that’s not—” Lily paused and rolled her eyes, glancing at Remus and giving him a little finger wave. “Marlene, hang on, I’m home, I’ll ask Remus what he thinks.” She pulled the phone away from her ear; “Remus, Marlene’s boss fucked up the order for her chlorophyll project and she’s missing some components for the experiment. She’s worried that he’ll be offended if she tells him and annoyed if she orders them without going through him first. I told her to just do it- her project permissions come from above fucking Dave anyway but she’s stressed because he’s been up her ass lately. Tell her to just order them”.
Remus grinned and raised his voice so Lily’s cell could pick it up, “Yeah, sorry, I’m with Lily. Dave’s only your boss in title, obviously the board loves you infinitely more. It’s not like you’re risking anything by just doing it yourself. Plus, you know a man would never question his position like this.” Remus knew that would get her, and he was right. Her acquiescing sigh echoed from the tinny speaker; Lily raised her eyebrows and tucked her phone back under her ear.
“Told you I was right. Anyway, I gotta go, I’m starving. Love you M, talk later. Mhm. You got this. Tell Dorcas I say hi. Yep. Okay, bye”.
Lily sighed and gave Remus a light shove on the shoulder as she reached in the cupboard underneath him for a pot.
“How were the ducks?”
“Oh, you know. Cacophonous,” Remus grinned. Lily cackled.
“Cacophonous. Please. How’s the book? Full of inconveniently long and unnecessary words I suppose?”
“Overindulgent at worst and superfluous at best,” he exhaled a laugh and Lily rolled her eyes. “But, eh, it’s okay. Slow day for it, if I’m being honest. Everything just seems to read a bit off right now. Probably just me.” Lily hummed in response, salting her boiling water and pulling down a box of pasta.
“You want me to skim the new stuff?” she asked. “I can tell you if it IS just you or if it’s, I don’t know, stilted or whatever. I never mind.”
“I know,” Remus said, plopping into a kitchen chair and stretching out his leg. He pressed the heel of one hand into his aching thigh and grabbed an apple from the bowl on the table with the other. “I just don’t want to force you to do your job outside of work. I’d be sick of editing if I were you”.
“You know it’s not work when it’s you, Remus,” Lily said, “Speaking of, are you still looking for a part-time hire for the shop? Dorcas’ friend Mary just moved back to town to help their parents and is looking for some part-time work to supplement caretaking. Dorcas said they have some hospitality experience, but I don’t know specifics. I told her I’d pass on the message to you and you’d take it from there”.
“Yeah, cheers, I’ll check with Junior and let her know.” Remus bit into his apple as Lily sat across from him with her late lunch. “And pub later? Everyone else is in.”
“Yeah, ‘course,” Lily grinned, “But only after you at least finish the chapter you’ve been working on.” Remus groaned.
“Sure, mom .”
“Yeah, yeah,” Lily waved him off.
They sat together and ate contentedly for a few moments before Remus sighed. Back to the book.
***
Sirius waded through the series of box towers scattered throughout his living room. Unpacking had been harder than he’d thought, alone in the house with no one to impress and no one to quip at him as he worked. He could call James. I don’t want to bother him with my problems. Maybe they could plan a fun weekend on the coast, but at the end of the day, James could sit with him, just while he unpacked. Just so the house wasn’t so goddamn empty. No, not empty , he told himself, just all mine .
He sighed aloud and it seemed to echo, the sound clapping around his ears as he shook out his hands in an attempt to settle. Yeah, not today. Today was not the Unpacking Day. He grabbed his phone, keys, and jacket and slipped out the garage door to start his bike. It needed to run a few minutes before he drove it, else the engine would stutter a mile or so in. He wouldn’t know from previous experience, obviously. He could get a new motorcycle, one that was less work and a little less fucked up, as James repeatedly told him, but he liked this one. He’d gotten it years ago, behind his parents’ backs, with…well, when he’d been a bit less alone. Plus, it had turned into a hobby of sorts. He knew far more about mechanics now than anything else outside of basic academics. And he liked it. Something to do with his hands, something to fix, something reliable and organized. And at the end of it all, it took him places- wherever he wanted to go. Including this lonely little town, where he was insistent on finding himself, or whatever.
Today, his bike took him to the local grocer and bakery. He drove, to be clear. He wasn’t that good at mechanics. Yet.
After snagging a few frozen items to last the weekend, Sirius was turning the aisle to head to checkout when he suddenly stopped short. He was right there– the sandy-haired ocean-eyed duck man from the park. This wasn’t the first time since then either- Sirius saw him crossing the street the other day, and sitting out front of a local cafe recently too. The only time he’s been alone, however, was that first day at the park. Since then, Sirius has only seen him chatting animatedly with that beautiful redhead, or bumping shoulders with a tall, slender woman, streaks of blonde bleached into her short natural curls. He was clearly involved, was Sirius’ point. He was attractive, of course he was never alone, with a strange, hewn face and a large nose, a wide dented scar slipping from his hairline toward his left eye. Limp, brace, crutch, and all, the man walked with a kind of lift and confidence Sirius had spent his entire life faking. Honestly, Sirius felt drawn to him in some way, his promise to James to make friends fresh in his mind; but despite everything, the easygoing way with which the other man interacted- the way he spoke with an attentive eye and quick grin, the casual touches, the flirty touch of a cheek…this was a person who would find Sirius socially inept, loud, and pretentious, he was sure of it. So, he had kept his distance. Sirius had tried to fix himself, he really had. Had tried to peel back the layers of social armor. The prissy rich aristocrat, then the obnoxious life of the party, then the whiny, emotional, traumatized little boy; who was he really? He sure as hell didn’t know, and the self-awareness had failed to actually help him in any way. In fact, arguably, it had made him more isolated and self-aggrandizing. Another strike against therapy.
The immediate stream of consciousness, the blinding self-doubt that invaded his mind the moment that he saw this man was overwhelming and he hated it. Honestly, this is why he didn’t have close friends beyond James. He could be charming when he wanted to, and in school, people did like him, but the compulsive thoughts that plagued him about himself when he tried to meet or be close to others, romantically or otherwise…well, he’d refused to meet anyone new in the past few months since the funeral. The funeral. Sirius shook his head as if to rid himself of the thought and caught the eye of Duck Man. Great- now this person was going to think he was insane, standing still in the store, staring at him and shaking his head at nothing. Even the recognition in the man’s eyes and the way those eyes roved up and down Sirius’ body for a brief moment failed to distract Sirius from his own mind. Being checked out used to kick Sirius into action- a flirty grin, a wink, a slow turn and bend to grab something and ‘accidentally’ show off other parts of his body. Now, his eyes found the floor as he clenched and unclenched his hands on the basket in his grip, counting breaths in and out as that goddamn, the fucking…images from the funeral flashed to the tune of goddamn it Siri, pull it together, you’re so fucking weak, so embarrassing, can’t even hold it together in public, can’t go to the store without missing…without needing…. Sirius kept breathing. He was just lonely, that was all.
The man and his friend, the red-headed one with a dramatic figure and humorous, flashing eyes, passed by, and Sirius glanced up long enough to see Duck Man pulling a bag of frozen peas out of his cart. The man pressed it into Sirius’ free hand and murmured,
“Press it to your chest. Vagus nerve. It’ll help.”
Without thinking, Sirius whispered, “Won’t the ducks go hungry without them?”
The man let out a surprised laugh and released the bag in Sirius’ hand. The redhead had turned the corner and Sirius faintly heard her call for ‘Moony’ to hurry up. The rational part of his brain laughed a bit. Moony? Strange fucking name. Or nickname. He missed having people call him nicknames. The man was gone.
Without thinking too hard about it, he did as Moony had said, pressing the cold bundle to his chest, over his t-shirt. The shock stole all of his focus for a moment and he let it. It was only a few seconds before he felt his heart rate begin to slow, and his breathing naturally even out. The wet cold seeped through his shirt, but he couldn’t bring himself to remove the bag yet. It was sobering, the cold, and all he could think about was the freezing weight on his chest and the warmth of the man’s hands as he’d pressed the help into Sirius’. It had been a kind display, but Sirius was grateful that Moon Man or Duck Man or whoever hadn’t stuck around. It was strange enough he’d stopped to help a clearly overwhelmed man he didn’t know. Small town kindness, Sirius supposed. Not necessarily indicative of any kind of interest, but still sweet.
His body calmed, but his mind still racing- coffin, ducks, blue eyes, hazel eyes, peas, laughing, black suit, black leather, black crutch- Sirius dropped his basket and headed home without his food. Right now, the intentionally empty house was better than the whole crowded outside world without…well, where he was still alone.
***
A loud “RAHHH” sounded from a group of jersey-clad dudes gathered around a cell phone at the bar and Marlene cringed at Remus as she was forced to stop short just as she opened her mouth, interrupted by the startling clamor.
“Fucking Christ,” said Lily, shooting the still chattering group a glare, “this place is way too small for that much noise.” Remus murmured his agreement- the local pub was an understated affair. The salvaged wood bar was the visual centerpiece, and clearly the only item the owner had given a fuck about, considering the sorry state of the rest of the furniture. Mismatched chairs were shoved around wildly tilting tables of various shapes and sizes. There was a single booth in the corner opposite the bar, directly to the right of the front door under the windows, and its frequent occupants sat there now, yapping and laughing their way through a few pints. Remus, Marlene, Dorcas, and Lily were regulars, but it was less by choice and more because it was the only pub in town that didn't have a few stone steps leading up the front (there were only two pubs, frankly).
“Anyway,” said Dorcas as the fans simmered down, “someone finally moved into that empty house down the block from me and Marlene. It’s a really cute place, I was wondering why it was empty for so long. Bet they were overcharging, fucking landlords these days,” she griped, sliding an arm around Marlene. “The guy is probably rich anyway; he sent people ahead to clean up the yard and repave the driveway. Then showed up on a vintage motorbike. Twat.”
“I don’t know, a vintage bike is pretty hot,” Remus grinned over his beer, “He at least cute?” Lily swatted at his shoulder as Dorcas grinned.
“I haven’t gotten a good look at his face, but he’s got great hair, all I’ve really seen so far but-”
“I actually saw him passing the cafe the other day, he has a nice enough face,” Marlene interrupted, “looks a bit sad if I’m being honest, but Dorcas is right, that hair is gorgeous. Wish mine had shape like that. Those big curls with that black leather jacket and the bike- he’s so 70s.”
Remus was just putting two and two together about the beautiful boy that kept turning up in his peripherals around town when Dorcas stood suddenly from the table.
“Mary! Oh my god, it’s been so long, you look amazing.” A gorgeous young woman with handfuls of slim braids reaching down her back and glittering black platform books ( so sick , thought Remus) approached the table, grinning broadly at Dorcas.
“Cassie, love, I’ve missed you!” There was a slight lilt to her northern accent that Remus found endearing and even as she greeted Dorcas, Mary flashed a grin around the table at the little group. Dorcas slipped an arm around Mary in a quick hug and then quickly turned to the table.
“Guys, this is Mary! We went to college together and-”
“Cassie?” Lily interrupted with a sly little grin growing on her face.
“Oh shhh I was just trying something new in college,” Dorcas whined, though as with everything Dorcas said and did, it was tinged with affection. Dorcas was perhaps the most outwardly affectionate person Remus knew. She was open and widespread with her love, and he felt lucky to experience it and watch her receive it back tenfold. She always deserved it. She made everyone around her feel so easy to love.
“Mary, this is Remus, Lily, and my fiancee Marlene. Coolest motherfuckers in town,” Dorcas suddenly gave a little squeal, “God, I’m so excited you’re here, I’ve missed you! Okay, why don’t you introduce yourself to everyone and I’m gonna grab us another round of drinks. You still like a sour?” Mary barely had time to nod before Dorcas was bouncing over to the bar. Looking slightly overwhelmed, Mary slid into the space Remus had cleared for them, giving him a grateful glance. Remus leaned back in his seat so Lily could lean over and begin introducing herself to Mary- he liked new people, sure, but it wasn’t always the easiest to start the conversation for him.
“Dorcas has raved about you, so it’s nice to put a face to the name,” Lily was saying. “And she also said you might be looking for part-time work, and this is your guy right here. He might be able to snag you an interview for a bakery position, right Moony?” Remus tuned in just in time to shoot her a look, both for the presumption and the nickname, but Mary seemed to grasp the situation with ease.
“Yeah, I am, but no worries if you’re looking for someone with more experience. I’ve really only served in college and I bake a lot but it’s more of a hobby,” they said, and then gave a little jump and turned to her purse. “Speaking of, I brought a kind of hello, nice to meet the family gift along because Cassie just spoke so highly of you all, so…” Mary blushed a bit as she pulled out a plastic container lined with reusable wax paper. Remus smiled at the pattern of ducks on the fabric. She slid the bowl into the center of the table and popped off the lid to reveal absolutely loaded brownies, swollen with toffee and pulled marshmallow.
“I homemake the marshmallow and toffee since they’re favorites, but I had so much and needed to use it up so…” she shrugged and gave a little gesture. “No nuts in case of allergies.”
“Holy shit,” Marlene said, immediately snagging one and taking a massive bite, “Christ, this is good. Moons, Rosie’s HAS to hire them, I need access to these at all times” Mary made a little noise of appreciation and Remus laughed, taking a bite of his own brownie. It was very good, Marlene wasn’t exaggerating.
“We definitely have a position open, I just have to run potential candidates through Junior. He says he wants to interview them himself but…” Remus trailed off as Marlene rolled her eyes and spoke through another mouthful of brownie.
“That asshole has never done anything helpful, you know you’re going to have to end up doing it all, just set up an interview and assume he won’t show. You know you’re really in charge here.” Remus snorted.
“Maybe take your own advice, Marlene. Ordered those materials yet?” Marlene jutted her chin forward and frowned, putting on a little pout for the sake of the table.
“You see how he treats me when I’m just trying to help out him and his shop?” Lily giggled.
“Marlene, it’s not my shop,” Remus snorted. “I just work there. The book takes precedence. I don’t want more responsibilities”.
“I knooow,” Marlene groaned, “but it’s sooo nice for us when you have them. I haven’t paid for coffee in years.” She directed the last part to Mary, kindly bringing her back into the conversation. Mary hummed and turned to Remus.
“So you’re the manager?” Remus groaned and his head thunked heavily against the table as he laid it down. He traced the faded grain, periodically tapping his silver wire finger bracing against the wood.
“I just wanted to be a barista as a survival gig but I think I’m basically the assistant manager now. The manager is the owner’s son. I think he wanted his kid to gain some real-world experience, so his rich ass bought him a cafe, but Junior doesn’t actually do shit. The owner, Barty, doesn’t even live in town. And Junior’s always off dicking around with the guy he named the shop after so…yeah, I basically run it. The only reason I’m paid properly for it is because I told BJ-” Remus paused, grinning, as Marlene snorted at the juvenile nickname, “told him that if I was gonna do his job, I was gonna be paid for it. He didn’t care enough to fight me on it”.
“Well,” Mary said, “not that I know you super well, but I trust Cassie’s- Dorcas’- judgment, and if you say that it's a nice enough place to work, I would love to throw my hat in the ring.
“Oh, Rosie’s is great, we’re there all the time,” Lily added. “But, frankly, the bakery menu could use a boost. That is…mmm not Moony’s forte.” Remus stuck his tongue out at Lily but acquiesced to the point easily.
“Yeah okay fuck it. What are you doing this Friday afternoon?” Mary shrugged.
“Jack shit so far.”
“Swing by between one and five and we’ll talk through the position.”
“I super appreciate that,” Mary nodded to Remus, and then her lips quirked into an amused smile.
“Also, I absolutely have to ask about the Moony thing. That’s an extremely strange nickname.”
“Yeah, well, Remus is extremely strange,” deadpanned Lily. Remus raised his eyebrows.
“You guys are on fire tonight. But, go on,” he waved a hand and sat back with feigned exhaustion, “expose my secrets.” Lily scoffed.
“Hardly a secret and so much more embarrassing for me than you,” she said, “but it was my nickname for Remus when we were kids. We grew up on the same street, with one house between us. He had this sickass telescope set up in the backyard, because his mom is super into astronomy, and I was obsessed. I would climb and stand on top of the fence to see the scope and one time he caught me staring and yelled at me to ‘stop mooning over his telescope’. I thought that was the most hilarious phrasing I’d ever heard. What fucking seven year old says that? Anyway, I yelled back that I would show him mooning, and I turned around and pulled down my pants.” Mary gave a little gasp and began giggling in earnest at the story. Lily laughed along.
“Remus was not the only one outside. It was a gorgeous evening, half the block was out and every single one saw my bare naked ass cheeks. I turned back around to Remus’ jaw dropped to the fucking ground and I yelled ‘well, guess who’s mooning now’. Every time I saw him for the next few days, I would screech ‘hi Moony’. I swear he hated me, but eventually, we teamed up for the sake of annoying the mean neighbor in between us and we got over it. Became best friends in fact. But he’s still Moony. And it took years for me to see that cute little ass in return.” Remus rolled his eyes and Mary ‘awww’ed.
“You two are together?” she asked. The three others laughed.
“No,” said Remus, “Never were. She just gave me my first testosterone shot in my ass because she thought it was funny.” Mary cackled loudly.
“That’s diabolical.”
“Agreed,” Remus said, staring with false menace into Lily’s unrepentant eyes. “Anyway, that’s more than enough about us, what’s your deal?” Remus immediately internally cringed at his choice of words, but Mary didn’t seem to mind the blunt question. She shifted gently in her seat and smoothed out her dress over her thighs.
“Came back to help out my parents. They’re getting older and it was either that or find a group home, which I didn’t really want to be the first option. My degree is in art history, and I was at a museum leading tours for a few years, but they minimized the staff recently and I was already feeling a little restless there, so. Yeah. This is a sweet place. It’s only been a week, but it feels so homey even though my parents moved here after I left for school. There’s something about the air here and the mist. It just makes me feel like life is a little bit more romantic, you know?” Remus nodded. That’s why he loved this town. It made all his little habits feel a little more like they were the meat of life rather than just day-to-day necessities. It was a storybook adventure to feed the ducks, rather than just a walk to get him out of the house in the morning. Writing was sexy and moody rather than just annoying and reclusive. And it was nice to have people here. Both his close friends and the stream of hook-ups he told himself was the joy of being young and not the pitfall of having romantic brick walls higher than Lily after she hung out with Pandora. He was grateful, as much as he complained about the cafe and essentially working two jobs, what with his book. He understood what Mary meant. As much as his escapist fantasies sent him to far-flung places, this place was beautiful. It was home.
***
“James!”
“Paddyyyy,” James drawled, gathering a leaping Sirius into his arms. Sirius wrapped his legs around James’ torso as James took a few staggering steps. “Fucking hell dude, miss me much?”
“Only a little,” Sirius pouted, jumping off of James and opening the front door for the two of them. “Uhh, sorry it’s not the most homey yet, I keep meaning to unpack but…” Sirius shrugged.
James looked around and Sirius could see the concern flit across his face. He was right, of course. Sirius had been in the house for almost a month and he didn’t even have his couch put together. A few of its lone cushions were pushed against the wall, next to which the television and an empty beer bottle stood watch on the floor. The piles of boxes largely hadn’t shifted from where the movers had dropped them, and the only sign of life on the walls was a small polaroid of Sirius and James thumbtacked to the wall, Padfoot + Prongs graduation written underneath the discolored print in messy handwriting.
“Whatever,” James said, shoving Sirius lightly on the shoulder, “We can fix that while I’m here, because right now this is a shit place to hang.” Sirius grinned. Just having James here opened up a world to him. He felt more energetic, more focused, more alive than he had since moving. Space to himself must not have been as helpful as he’d thought. Sirius was taking James in, happy to be in the presence of his bright energy, when he saw it curling around his neck, peeking over the neckline of his t-shirt.
“Prongs, what is THIS, you did not tell me you got a new tattoo.” James had been obstinate about waiting to be sure about tattooing himself, instead sitting vigil while Sirius had inked line after line into his skin. James grinned, almost nervously, a hand coming up to flip the coin he had on a chain around his neck between his fingers.
“Yeah, I mean, I was nervous about getting it and that seemed so, I don’t know, ridiculous to care about after everything, so…anyway, look.” James pulled off his shirt with a quick yank, turning to display the complex upper back piece swirling across his warm brown skin, intertwined with his moles and freckles. The center of the tattoo was a large representative pair of antlers, several prongs reaching across his shoulder blades and curling up toward his neck. Surrounding them was a collection of flowers and plants Sirius knew were prominent herbs and spices found in most traditional Indian dishes, of particular importance to James, who had no grandparents and had never visited India, and felt the most connection to his culture in learning to cook from his mother. From the smell of coming home and the sharing of love. Weaving throughout the garden and bone was almost a shadow- a shape created with a complex series of hand-poked dots. A black cat, almost haunting the rest of the image, only noticeable when inspecting carefully, and looking toward a small stack of stars. Sirius. My constellation . It was a quick realization, and one quickly moved over in favor of the cat. Sirius couldn’t stop looking at it. He was silent, until he realized James was waiting for a response. He cleared his throat.
“Wow, James, it’s…” Gorgeous. Heartbreaking. Full of loss. Full of hope. “It’s really cool.” James seemed content with the reaction. He always understood Sirius, what he really meant. Sirius reached out a slightly trembling hand, traced his stars, his hand brushing against the shadow cat. James’ head turned slightly toward him.
“You know, Pads, mum hates it.” Sirius laughed, the spell of reflection broken.
“She likes mine!”
“No she doesn’t, Sirius, she’s just nicer to you about them because she thinks it's good for you to express yourself. She thinks I should express myself through a good job and a nice girlfriend.” Sirius laughed. Planted himself on a spare couch cushion.
“I agree with Effie. You’re far too attracted to women who are far too mean to you. Chienne soumis .”
“Hey, hey. Don’t be mean in French. I don’t know what you’re saying.”
“Yeah, that’s why I said it.”
“ Gadhe ”
“Okay, well, I know when you call me names in Hindi because you only know like three words.”
“You’re a menace.” James was pulling his shirt back on and sitting down next to Sirius.
“I’m wonderful and you love me.”
“Yeah, yeah, sure,” said James, “How about you, any updates on the man front? Got yourself a small-town boy with a strange attraction to weird names yet?” Sirius preened a bit.
“Of course not, Prongs, I’m finding myself , I’m intentionally ignoring all of the hot men banging down my door to date me.”
“You’re sure it’s yourself you’re finding and not just a stack of excuses to avoid intimacy?”
“Jesus, James, right to the heart. You know it's fine, it's just been worse lately since the-” Sirius stopped and swallowed. James’ eyes flashed in return, knowing. James never held back with him, and Sirius appreciated that, but with everything he’d been actively Not Thinking about lately, it was jarring. “-since everything. The space has been good though. I’ve been…I’ve been feeding the ducks. Well, I fed the ducks. Once. And there was a man there. A cute man. So.”
“So…you talked? Flirted?”
“I tripped and he laughed at me.”
“A triumphant return to dating, I’m sure.” Sirius scoffed.
“I mean, I’ve seen him around since then.” Sirius left out the part where Moony (he’d already taken to calling the man ‘Moony’ in his head, apparently) had seen him have a public panic attack before he’d even said a hello.
“And you spoke then?” queried James.
“I wouldn’t go that far.”
“As to say you’ve…spoken? So you have a crush you haven’t said a word to.” James snorted.
“It’s not a crush .” Sirius gave James a little poke. “That’s so juvenile. I just see him around town and he’s, I don’t know, kind of compelling and kind-looking. And him and his group of friends are the most obviously queer people I’ve seen here yet, so y’know. That’s cool too. Can’t pretend I wasn’t worried about that when I moved to a tiny coastal town. Couldn’t spend all this time and effort growing out this amazing hair and go somewhere with no one to pull on it,” Sirius said, smirking. Couldn’t let Prongs get too comfortable making fun of him. Predictably, James wrinkled his nose, his wireframes pushing up toward his forehead.
“Okay, moving on. Where the fuck can a weary traveler get a beer around here? Your house is starting to make me sad.”
“ Weary traveler ? You’re what, an elven maiden in Dungeons & Dragons?”
“Hey,” James pointed at Sirius with a serious expression, “Don’t diss D&D. Turns out that shit is super fun.”
“Oh my god, I leave for a month and you turn into a nerd? Is this what happens when you’re left to your own devices? Role-playing dice games?”
“It’s fucking sick, and you’d know what I was up to if you’d asked; it’s not my fault you haven’t answered 90% of my texts since you left! Sorry, I’ve been hanging with other people.” James inflected as if he was joking, but there was an accusatory undercurrent in the carefully lighthearted tone that wasn’t quite subtle enough to slip under the radar. Sirius gave a humourless huff, but he couldn’t help the way the conversation had turned in his stomach, sour and bubbling.
“Yeah, sorry about that James, I’ve just been preoccupied with the massive upheaval and life change.” It came out full of thorns. James laid a solid hand on Sirius’ leg. His voice became gentle and careful, each word chosen.
“Sirius, you didn’t have to uproot your life. Bad things happened, and you lost your family. It’s undeniably awful. But you could’ve stayed with me, with people who understand. I don’t get why you had to run away.” It was the wrong thing to say, bringing this argument back up just when they’d gotten back together, and Sirius was suddenly angry. It didn’t matter if the anger was really at James or someone else entirely. And he still couldn’t get that damn cat tattoo out of his head. The ugly thing that had been carved and pruned by his mother, the thing he’d fought to nurture into something worthy of bloom only for it to be snipped by the death of his only real accomplice in the pain of childhood- it suddenly appeared to Sirius, alive and present in the room with them. It raged around his ears and he felt wild.
“ You understand? Mr. Perfect Parents and Only Child? I’m sorry but you losing a fuck buddy isn’t the same as me losing everything!” James went quiet, still and pale. Sirius couldn’t find it in himself to care. He was distracted by his own heaving chest, scared by how quickly he’d gone from zero to a hundred. How quickly he’d gone from Padfoot to Sirius Orion Black, Esq. Fuck . The blizzard in his skull nearly drowned out the sudden pressure, but as he blinked, he found himself held, tight. A hand pressed into his back. James. Two crashouts in as many days. Wow, he was doing really well. Before he could think too hard, begin the spiral of self-hatred he knew would pummel him soon enough, he wrapped his arms around James in return.
“I’m sorry,” he whispered. “I don’t, that’s not…that’s not really how I feel. I know it’s…more than that for us. For you. But it’s also. Yeah, I don’t know. Just…sorry”.
“I know,” James murmured into his ear after a beat. “I’m not mad at you. Just worried. The isolation…it didn’t used to be like you Siri. It makes me. Padfoot, it makes me want to kidnap you and drag you back to London”. He laughed a bit, dragging a hand down his face; the gesture made him seem older than 21. He inhaled, as if to continue speaking, but Sirius cut him off.
“You don’t need to worry.” James sighed. He clearly disagreed, but after a moment, decided to keep that to himself.
“Okay.”
“Okay.”
After another moment in silence, James took off his glasses and rubbed at his eyes.
“Pub?” he said as they both stared into the dusty abyss of the unfurnished house.
“Fucking pub.”
***
Weigh. Grind. Weigh. Distribute. Tamp. Pull.
“Double for here,” Remus called, pushing the saucer and a small glass of sparkling water across the countertop.
Weigh. Grind. Weigh. Distribute. Tamp. Pull. Pitcher. Pour. Steam. Pour.
“Oat cappuccino, to go.” It was a calming, repetitive and meditative job, making drinks. It made Remus’ mind go blank, forced him to focus on his hands moving in front of him, as he poured a rosetta. A heart. Stack of hearts. A…well, something a little fucked up. Fucking almond milk.
“Eight ounce almond latte, to go.” A young man, not a regular, someone Remus had never seen before, came to collect the last two drinks. He popped lids onto the cups and smiled at Remus, the little scrunch of his nose pushing up his circular wire glasses.
“Thanks man.” Remus nodded in response.
“Tray?” he asked, looking down as he cleaned the portafilter for a new shot.
“Ehh, nah, thanks though, just going to the park across the street.”
“Mm, cool, well, tell the ducks I said hi,” Remus quipped, already making the next drink. He missed the way the other man’s eyes squinted at him momentarily, before he grabbed his drinks and pushed his way out the front door, the bell on the handle jingling.
The morning passed, surprisingly busy, and Remus had done less interview preparation than he would’ve preferred when one o’clock hit. He had announced an open interview call on the cafe’s website and social media, so that he wasn’t just interviewing Mary. He’d slogged through several extremely mediocre interviews when Barty burst into the back room without knocking. No greeting for Remus or the interviewee, a young person named Greer, he dropped into a chair in the corner and took out his phone. Remus rolled his eyes.
“Greer, this is Barty Crouch, Junior, the manager. He’s just checking in.” Barty raised a hand without looking up from his phone.
“Hey,” said Greer, stilted, giving Remus a slightly questioning look. Remus just shrugged.
“Anyway, we’re pretty much finished up here anyway. Any questions for me or Barty, Greer?” After the proper thanks and declarations of follow-up, Greer saw themself out the door.
“Wonderful to see you as always, Junior” Remus said flatly, not turning to face him. He highlighted a few work features on Greer’s resume and tossed it into the ‘maybe’ pile. The chair in the corner creaked as Barty stretched out his legs and slumped down the back.
“How much longer are you doing this? I have plans at four.” Remus glanced at the clock. It was 3:12 pm.
“There was only one person still waiting last I was out there, but it’s open call ‘til five.” Barty groaned.
“I told you we needed a new hire to replace Jack weeks ago, you could’ve scheduled a more convenient time, but eventually it comes to a point where we just need the help,” Remus said coolly.
“Okay, Jesus, no need to be a dick about it. I’ll stick around for whoever’s out there and then I’m done.” Remus sighed. One interview. He could do one interview with Barty texting in the background. He hauled himself out of the rickety, uncomfortable break room chair he’d arranged himself in to interview Greer, and went to check the cafe. Mary was still the only person left and Remus gave her a warm smile and a motion to follow him. She’d only seen him briefly behind the table at the pub, but if she was surprised by his brace and awkward gait now, she didn’t show it. They paced through the small kitchen and Remus held open the door into the break room. Mary stopped briefly when they saw another person present, but only glanced back at Remus a moment before she marched over to Barty and extended a hand.
“Mary McDonald. Thanks for taking the time to see me today.” Barty looked up with a slightly annoyed sneer, but took the offered hand.
“Barty. Or Junior. Yeah sure, whatever. Remus’ll talk to you.” He went back to his phone.
“Right,” said Mary and turned back to Remus, who just gave her an apologetic grin. He motioned to the set chairs and sat down heavily in his. Hauling himself back and forth from this horrendously designed, old as time, wooden chair six times in the last few hours was hardly setting himself up for physical success. Not much to be done about it now, but he was really looking forward to a hot shower later. Once he made himself as comfortable as he could, he took Mary’s resume from her and started on the basic questions.
Five minutes in, and she was undoubtedly the best candidate, but Remus couldn’t act on that in front of Barty- the motherfucker had to feel like he had a say. Thank god Mary had brought a little demonstration of skill- a pear danish that Remus had to admit was superb. Barty took one bite of his, said “Hire her” and left the room.
Remus shared an amused look with Mary.
“Well, job's yours I guess, if you want it. I know we went over the basics of the position, but do you have any more questions? And feel free to think it over and get back to me.”
“Nah,” Mary smiled, “this seems like the place for me.” Remus grinned back.
Sitting in the typically bustling cafe after closing was peaceful. Alice had left after her close and Remus was waiting for his ride. Typically, he would walk back from work- it wasn’t far and actually, a bit of active striding with his crutches after a shift of standing, shuffling, and sitting was usually beneficial; painful after a day on his feet, but the stretch of it kept everything from getting too excruciating when he got home and tried to relax. It was a good routine, usually- today? Not after that interview bullshit. He could feel his joints shifting, the stabbing pains and deep, penetrating, rotten ache of pushing it a little too far. Yeah, it was ass, but he reveled in knowing it used to be so much worse. Things had gotten better, as impossible as that used to seem. Besides, the pain was kind of worth it, in a way- the ability to show up to work, see his friends and coworkers, pour the stupid little latte art, and eat delicious pastries. It was a trade-off. Not an ideal one, but a choice he made. One he was happy with, end of the day. Not to mention, the cafe was cute and cozy; small, but lined with trinket-covered bookshelves and intentionally mismatched furnishings. The fireplace salvaged from the original build sat beautifully in the midst of an overstuffed couch and a sweet, quilted armchair. The lights were low from the end of the day. Remus couldn’t quite hold back a groan as he shifted in the armchair, but he quirked a grin to himself as he watched the end-of-day march through the large front windows. Children skipped down the sidewalk, dragging their exhausted parents after them. Bikes, cars, and the occasional teen on a skateboard whizzed past, and the setting sun cast an orange glow through the trees that littered the park across the street. He complained about this job often- how he didn’t want it, how it was more responsibility than he’d asked for, how it was long hours, and how it hurt his body. Honestly, though, the frustrations only won out sometimes. He couldn’t imagine trying to write full-time, not really- it wouldn’t be an escape, a joy. And where would he find inspiration? Where would he laugh and see the way the light hit Lily’s hair and think I get to go home and create about this . So, he stuck with the coffee. And he sat and waited for Lily to stop for him on her way home; romanticizing his life and his job and his art and, yeah, his pain, since it had to be there anyway. As always, he pushed away the frequent visiting thought that all he was missing was someone else to romanticize him . Instead, he watched the dust motes flit like fairies in the dusk and flicked his fingers against his thighs. Remus was anything but lonely, but sometimes, in these in-between moments where his mind felt like an inspectable and strange planet, desperate to be beholden, and his body throbbed mercilessly- he felt a bit like an island.
He startled suddenly out of his alien line of thinking when, from the street, the concerning gargling of something mechanical and not altogether complete blasted in.
“Fuck!” The sound of metal on concrete and a groan. Remus’ vantage point didn’t quite allow him a full view of the scene, but he could see two helmets on two men in the middle of the street. They were speaking loudly, overlapping one another, but without malice. Remus didn’t think it was a confrontation. At least, he hoped it wasn’t. He had metal sticks and an accurate swing if it came down to it, but he was too tired for that bullshit. It wasn’t until one of the figures removed their helmet that Remus clocked what had happened- it was curly-haired rich boy. Duck dude. The fucker with the repaved driveway and the- oh- the vintage bike that must be the mass that he was attempting to drag out of the street while the other man stood, shoulders shaking with laughter. As they moved closer to the sidewalk in front of the cafe, Remus began to catch more of their conversation.
“Pads, I’ve told you time and time again to get a new bike. This one is a fucking safety hazard.”
“No, I told you to let it run for ten minutes before using it, I could tell the engine wasn’t warm enough when you got to the park. Maybe if you’d listened-”
“I do listen! More than you, in fact! And maybe if your bike wasn’t a goddamn disaster, you wouldn’t have to fill your garage with toxic fumes before driving the damn thing.” The words were confrontational, but Remus could hear the banter inherent- as if they’d had this fight a million times and wouldn’t mind having it a thousand more. At this point, they were directly outside the cafe, the other figure removing their helmet to reveal oat-cap-almond-latte-glasses guy from the morning. Okay , Remus thought, his roommate? Friend? Boyfriend? Remus didn’t do cruel overstepping assumptions about queerness, but he did do basic observational awareness. Curly-haired duck man was not straight. His friend? Remus wasn’t sure. Only rising in volume and pitch the longer it continued, the conversation regarding the state of the bike (now presumably laid to rest on the sidewalk outside the cafe) was reaching a critical state of disruption, and Remus was getting annoyed. Lily would be here soon, and there was a 100% chance she would come in to pick out a leftover pastry, meaning that either he dealt with this now, or Lily would have to in a few minutes. Be a man , Remus told himself and then laughed. Whatever that means . God, this was so fucking annoying. Alright- up out of the chair. Ow. Shuffle to the door- ow . Throw it open for dramatic effect (OW but yeah, worth it). The yelling match came to an abrupt end the moment the door slammed against the side paneling of the building. Old wood. Heavy wood. Loud wood. A small flock of birds took off from across the street in shock. Curly-hair-leather-jacket looked about ready to do the same. Remus almost felt bad, remembering the panic attack he’d interrupted in the grocery store (a place that Remus thought might have been built to inspire panic). Not much to do about that now. When it became clear neither Remus nor Rich Prat were going to say anything, Glasses Guy stepped forward with a nervous grin pulling at his smile lines.
“Hey, sorry about the noise. And the bike. I keep telling him to get one that works but-”
“Yeah, I heard all of that,” Remus interrupted, with a quiet forcefulness that somehow lacked any actual irritation. As usual, the vibe most people caught from Remus was less that he was rude, and more that he had a kind of forward genuine bluntness about him. Along with his strange, angular face and his solid stature, Remus was a steady, quiet wind. He tilted his head slightly and ambled toward the cafe bench while Mr. Glasses stuttered out a few more apologies. “I’m Remus,” he said when the man stopped to take a breath, and sweeped a hand as if to say ‘and you?’
“Oh. Yeah. James Potter. Visiting this jackass from London. Padfoot?” The other man startled, having not moved anything but his eyes, tracking Remus, watching every move. Then, it was like a flip switched and an easy grin stretched across his face; he met Remus’ eye as he strutted forward and held out a hand.
“Sirius. Black. Sirius Black. Nice to actually meet you, Remus.” Remus was still unimpressed with the whole situation, honestly; his back was killing him and Sirius was now blocking the bench he’d been inching toward. He shook Sirius’ outstretched hand- it was a bit cold considering the temperate weather, and surprisingly calloused- he hadn’t taken Sirius for someone with any rough edges. Just as he’d thought the other few times he’d seen Sirius around, Remus was aware of how attractive the man was; and not just that, but how exactly Remus’ goddamn type Sirius was. So annoying. Remus just sighed and said,
“Excuse me” with a gesture to the bench behind Sirius. Sirius jumped aside with a muttered apology, but the flirty grin didn’t leave his face. Remus thought that he almost seemed like an entirely different person than he had at the grocery store.
“So,” said Remus, once he’d settled himself sitting, a gently authoritative tone creeping into his voice, “what needs to happen for this bike to be off my sidewalk in the next few minutes?”
“Your sidewalk? I don’t th-” Sirius started, with a sarcastic smirk.
“Pads, don’t be dick mate,” James turned to Remus, “Usually the issue is just the engine, but something in the back wheel is jammed, so we can’t push it home like we typically would. I think,” he continued, now looking at Sirius (who was still locked in on Remus), “we should just call a tow”. Remus sighed. This day could not get longer if it tried; but, Remus was a small-town boy through and through, and he would help the newcomers because that’s what community does. Fuck. He sighed a second time.
“No, the closest tow company is about 15 miles out and it would take minimum half an hour if they even agree to come at all. I assume we all have shit to do, it’s getting dark, and the local mechanic is closed anyway. So, here’s what’s gonna happen. We have a garage out back of the cafe. It’s basically a shed, but we barely use it. You’re gonna drag this piece of shit back there for the night, and tomorrow when Richard the mechanic is available, you can pay him to come fix it on property here instead of paying for a tow and fix. And then I can go home and not worry about my opener showing up tomorrow morning to find you camped out with a ruined motorbike in front of the door. Sound like a plan?” Sirius was definitely checking Remus out. Or trying to figure out what was wrong with him. Wouldn’t be the first time for either. Or both at the same time. Remus fought the urge to roll his eyes. Had he even heard a word that was said? James appeared to have the same reservations about Sirius’ focus, or lack thereof.
“That would be really great, Remus, thank you so much.”
“Thank you, James.” said Remus pointedly, though the snark lacked conviction. He was too distracted and exhausted. He wanted this to be done and he wanted to go home . The bench was adding a new ache to his collection.
James hesitated a moment, and then gave Sirius a friendly sock on the arm.
“Come on Pads, let’s get this scrap metal off this poor man’s sidewalk.” Sirius and Remus rolled their eyes in tandem and then made quickly aborted, surprised eye contact at their matching smirks. Sirius let out a little huffing laugh and went to heft the back end of the bike. Together, they cleared the back wheel so the working front one could bear the weight, and wheelbarrow-pushed it toward the gate, which Remus realized a bit belatedly was locked. From the other side.
“Fuck,” he muttered, and then raised his voice. “Hey guys, I’m gonna have to go around through the back to unlock it. Just hang on a moment.” He hauled himself to his feet and could barely blink before Sirius was holding open the front door to the cafe for him, that annoying little smirk on his face. He nodded a quick thanks, trying to keep his face neutral. This motherfucker was annoying the shit out of him and, well, kind of turning him on at the same time. Remus had a type, and he’d been actively avoiding all men with it for years for a fucking reason.
He was halfway across the cafe when he realized Sirius was right behind him, and he stopped, pivoting.
“Hello? Did you need something?” Sirius’ hands went immediately to the tips of his hair, nervously twirling and smoothing the curling split ends. The smirk still hadn’t left his face, though it morphed into something more like a smile as Remus looked at him.
“Just coming to help, I guess.”
“Help me…open a lock?” Yeah, Remus was annoyed. And the hair-twirling was flirty, for sure. Jesus.
Sirius shrugged and replied with an affected nonchalance that made Remus want to scream at him. “I can’t hang out with you?”
“I don’t know you.”
“Yeah, that’s the point. I’m getting to know you. I see you around all the time, you’re like a fixture here and you make the best coffee. Worth getting to know.” Remus just huffed in response and turned again toward the back garden. He would find this more endearing if it hadn’t been such a long day.
They hiked through the overgrown weeds in silence and Sirius watched as Remus popped open the padlock with a few clicks of the numbered wheels. Knowing full well this wasn’t the time to attempt dragging open the heavy old gate, Remus took a few steps away and gestured to the unlocked bolt with a flick of his hand. Sirius quickly stepped in and opened it easily, meeting James’ gaze on the other side with a wide grin. Remus slipped clumsily through the gate back to the front of the building while the other two boys hauled the motorcycle toward the rusty shed.
He made it back to his bench just as Lily’s car pulled up in front of the cafe. Her car door slammed as she came into full view, keys swinging around her fingers as she played with them.
“Moonyyy, hey baby, what’s happening in the back? Thought you were just chilling while you waited.”
Remus sighed. “New guy’s motorbike broke down and I needed it off my sidewalk for the night. They’re using the shed.”
“Kind as always, Remus. To hot men, at least.”
“Fuck off, Lily.”
She grinned. “Door unlocked? I need a pistachio croissant, stat.”
Remus waved his arm vaguely. “All yours, love.”
She came back out a moment later with Sirius in tow, both of them laughing and tearing into croissants. Traitor , Remus thought, lightly. James came around the corner simultaneously, his eyes locking immediately onto Lily. Sirius headed toward Remus.
“Bike is away and the gate is locked back up. Thanks again, Remus. Couldn’t have done it without you. Lucky you were around”. Sirius plopped down beside Remus on the bench and gave him a gentle nudge with his elbow as he shoved another piece of croissant into his mouth. A small crumb clung to the dampness of his curling bottom lip, drawing Remus’ attention to the soft pink skin there, Sirius’ smile revealing the healing cracks on his inner lip where he’d been chewing them. God, Remus’ body was betraying him in so many ways today. He tore his eyes off the other man’s lips.
“Yeah, n-no problem.” Remus nearly cursed aloud as he stumbled over his words. He looked away, regaining his composure and caught Lily’s eye. She was clearly amused and obviously going to bring this up later. Thankfully, before she could embarrass him further, James approached her so quickly he nearly tripped over his own feet.
“Hi, hey, I’m James. James Potter. Just visiting this shithead over here. It’s nice to see. Meet you. I’m James.” His hand was outstretched and a dopey little grin was playing across his face. Lily took her time finishing chewing and swallowing her bite and dusting off her hand before clasping his. She looked him up and down, a glint of challenge in her eyes.
“Lily. That’s cute.” And she sidestepped him to stand over Remus with her hand out. He wordlessly handed her the shop keys and she returned to lock the front door. Remus watched James and Sirius have a short and hilarious silent conversation with their wildly expressive faces while her back was turned. He didn’t think he needed to know either of them all that well to get the gist. Lily= hot, in an attractive way. James= hot, in that all his blood had flooded to his face in response.
“So. James Potter. Sirius B. Need a ride home or are you going to drag your sorry asses wherever you’re headed on foot with all that?” Lily motioned to the helmets, jackets discarded, and the several bags they’d unloaded off the box on the bike.
James and Sirius looked at each other. They both began speaking at once.
“Well, I mean, if you’re offering–”
“That would be great, that’s really k–”
They looked at each other again, and James spoke.
“It’s just frozen appetizers and drinks in the bags, we were gonna have a night in, but we’d love to thank you for your help if you want to join us for it.” Sirius visibly cringed.
“James,” he hissed, “I don’t know…”.
James paled a bit. “Oh…right. Sorry, Sirius’ house is still getting unpacked and it's a bit of a disaster. Not really ready for company.”
Lily’s eyes were already locked with Remus’, having their own psychic conversation. No, Remus did not want to go to Sirius Black’s house for beer and frozen food. He wanted to sit on his own couch with muscle relaxers and a heating pad, thanks very much. With Lily and the TV remote. However, there was a glint in Lily’s eye that was recognizable and oh so fucked up. Remus knew what Lily was going to do before she even did it. She was Judas, she was Eve’s apple, she was–
“Just come to our’s.”
Remus swallowed every curse in the dictionary, and some that weren’t. James’ face lit up like a Christmas tree, but Sirius seemed curiously distracted inspecting Remus’ less than thrilled reaction.
“We don’t want to intrude,” he said. It was said with a politeness and a genteel quality that seemed unlike the brash nature he’d paraded around for the last fifteen or so minutes. Sirius seemed to snap like a rubberband, from panicked, to charming, to annoying, to kind and observant, back and forth against the pulse beating at Remus’ wrist. There was a lack of predictability that pulled Remus in a bit, against his better judgement. The way Remus could see skies moving behind his eyes. Shadows and sun shifting in and out across his face, quick as a breeze and sometimes harsh as wind. The delicate bones of his cheek, forehead, chin– they all crumpled and reformed at each brush of weather. Everything hit him, affected him, and he pretended it didn’t, but it was so clear to Remus, the fragility. Almost Promethean. He had a feeling, even without knowing Sirius, that he knew why Sirius had moved here. Change the story- same liver, new rock. Fuck it. Remus was intrigued.
“It’s fine, we didn’t have anything planned. If you’ll forgive the mess, we’d love to have you. Welcome you to town and all.” Remus matched the polite, detached tone Sirius had directed at him. He was afraid he’d be too honest otherwise. I’m intrigued by you and attracted to you in a way I haven’t felt in a while. I want you near and you terrify me. I can see my own pain in your face. I don’t understand you, but I want to. It was ridiculous, really. Remus’ writer's brain was coming out again. He saw this man around town for less than a month and thought he knew him enough to want him. Projecting need was a trap, and Remus would not fall prey. Sirius and James would come over and he would make some new friends. It would end there. Maybe.
Fuck. Remus was in for an interesting night.
Chapter 2: Steadily
Chapter Text
Remus didn’t say a word the whole ride back home. Couldn’t, really. The pain was starting to mush his brain a little and he didn’t trust his mouth. Instead, he sat in the front seat and called aux for the literal five minute drive home- he really wanted to hear the Cocteau Twins, sue him. James and Lily kept up a steady, flirty banter with occasional interjections by an also surprisingly subdued Sirius.
By the time Lily pulled into the driveway, she was giving Remus concerned glances that he was studiously ignoring. She turned off the car and turned slightly toward the backseat.
“Here she is, boys. First floor is us, second is Frank. Dude does construction. He’s cool. Dating Alice from Rosie’s. Anyway. Don’t leave anything in my car.” And she left them to scramble for their bags as she leaned into Remus, humming in his ear with a, “Want me to bring out your chair?” He shook his head minutely.
“Just give me a minute.”
She nodded back, and then tossed the car keys into Remus’ lap.
“Lock it when you’re done. I’ll bring in your bag.”
****
Sitting longer had been a mistake. He’d just wanted a quiet moment before whatever this evening was going to entail, but an extra five minutes was enough that Remus could feel the added stiffness, inflammation. Fuck him for trying to put off pain, right? He’d go in soon, maybe lay back the seat and stretch out first. Yeah, that’d help.
****
Sirius was assigned the task of calling in a pizza order while James and Lily started with the frozen sides. This was all well and good. Except for the phone part– where the fuck was it?
“A shot of tequila says you left it in the car,” James challenged, pulling out the cheap bottle they’d just bought.
“Ah, fuck,” Sirius knew he was right, “yeah, okay, be back in a sec.”
Lily opened her mouth, seemed to hesitate, then said, “Remus is out there with the keys. Tell him to get his ass in here himself soon or let me do something. And things tend to fall under the plastic console in the backseat, check there if you can’t find it anywhere else.”
Sirius nodded acquiescence and headed back through the front door. Coming back outside, he didn’t see Remus in the front seat or the garden. Maybe Lily was mistaken and he’d come in already? Sirius figured he may as well try the car before going back in for the keys. He pulled on the back passenger door and it opened easily.
He took a step to lean into the seat and then startled, letting out a surprised “oh” as he looked down directly into Remus’ eyes, laying in the extended passenger seat. He jumped backwards, hitting the car door.
“Sorry, I didn’t realize you were still in here, I didn’t mean to—I mean, sorry.”
Remus seemed to process the words slowly, pushing himself up on his arms slowly to face Sirius through the open door.
“What do you need?” He asked finally, his wide eyes roaming Sirius’ face. Sirius suddenly had no idea. What did he need? A furnished house, an unpacked box. A friendly face, a certain face.
Home-cooked food.
Remus’ lips.
He shook his head. His phone .
“M-my phone,” he stuttered out after a too long silence. “I think I left it out here.”
“Okay,” Remus replied simply, and then sat his seat up again so that Sirius could clamber into the back to look. He found it exactly where Lily had said it might be, and sat up to check anything he’d missed. No new messages. Right . Wait. Lily had a message. For Remus.
“Oh,” Sirius said, going for casual, as if he couldn’t feel the thick air in this car, couldn’t feel the presence of Remus’ body in the seat directly in front of him. It’d been a while since he’d had a crush like this. He didn’t remember them making him so flustered before. “Lily said to tell you to either come inside soon or let her do something.”
“Do something ?”
“I don’t know, that’s just what she said.”
“Okay,” Remus said, running a hand down his face.
“Okay?” Sirius didn’t move to get out of the car. Remus was quiet for a moment. Just when Sirius was about to say anything, do anything just to break the tension, Remus spoke.
“You can go in, I’ll be there in a moment.”
“Sure,” said Sirius. A breath. “And…what should I tell Lily?”
“About her something ?” Remus sounded like he was smiling.
Sirius giggled lightly, a sound that surprised even himself coming out. “Yeah. That.”
Remus shrugged a little and sighed, and the movement had Sirius’ eye catching on a reddish glint on Remus’ shoulder. He reached over and gently plucked the long, ginger hair off his sweater, holding it up in the dim car light.
“She’s everywhere,” said Sirius, the laugh still in his voice. Remus snorted lightly in return.
“What does she even mean ‘ something ’?” Sirius asked, spurred by the levity they’d found together. “It literally sounds like a threat.”
“Ha,” Remus huffed, “She just wants to know if she should bring out my chair. I already told her no, she’s just…it’s Lily. She worries more than she should.”
“Oh,” said Sirius, “like…wheelchair, chair?”
Remus nodded gently from the front seat, his head tilting as if he was considering turning to face Sirius. Sirius always had a habit of pushing a bit more than maybe he should.
“Is today a bad day?” he asked, fumbling a bit over his juvenile wording choice. He knew nothing about Remus, about his body, but he wasn’t stupid.
Remus’ head tilted again; “A bit,.” he said. There was caution in his voice.
“Want me to just drive the car directly through the front windows, save you the walk and the chair?” Sirius said, a smirk slowly growing again on his face. Remus burst into laughter, finally fully turning to look at Sirius.
“You’re ridiculous,” he said, smiling casually as though the view hadn’t sent Sirius’ heart pounding into his fingertips, yearning to reach out and touch .
“No, I’m dead Sirius .”
“God, fuck you, man, that’s the worst joke I’ve ever heard.” Remus moaned, but he was laughing. And Sirius was laughing. There was a feeling in Sirius’ chest that he’d been missing.
****
At some point in the conversation, Sirius clambered up into the driver’s seat to talk to Remus more intimately. Remus had sat in suppressed warmth as Sirius’ lithe body had pressed next to him a moment as he moved through the space between seats. His shirt rode up a bit, revealed a heavily tattooed midsection and a strange pink patch of skin stretching across his small waist. It had taken Remus’ breath away, just for a moment. What a strange, kind, unpredictable man Sirius Black was turning out to be. Remus was fighting the way he was so taken by him. They had moved into asking each other short questions, allowing only one word answers. It was fun and light, and the small car lit only by the tiny fluorescent square above them was a quiet, liminal bubble that was only the two of them.
“Okay,” laughed Sirius, “why the fuck does Lily call you Moony?”
Remus thought for a moment. “Asscrack.”
Sirius howled with delight, confusion flitting briefly across his face, quickly triumphed by another wave of laughter.
“Okay okay,” said Remus, “Umm where were you born?”
“London. Boring! Another.” Sirius waved off his hand.
“Jesus, fine. Longest relationship?”
Sirius raised his eyebrows, smirking. “Eleven.” Remus’ eyes bulged. “...months. What is your middle name?”
Remus snorted at the joke and then looked down, mumbling unintelligibly. Sirius nudged him, the grin growing on his face.
“Fine! Nothing.” Sirius’ jaw dropped for a moment before he started snickering again.
“You asked!” Remus whined. “My turn. Any pets?”
“Prongs. You?”
“Nah. Siblings?”
Sirius’ light chuckle stopped abruptly. His breath hitched and he turned his face away. Remus wasn’t sure what he’d done.
“Sirius?”
Sirius twitched almost imperceptibly and forcefully pushed a hand through his hair.
When he spoke, his tone had lost all levity, his voice a carefully curated casual, as if trying to brush off his own response.
“Used to. Do you?”
Remus almost didn’t process that Sirius said anything after the first two words. Used to . Oh, god. Remus didn’t think, his rush of feeling and brain fog getting the best of him. He reached out a bit, his fingers barely brushing Sirius before he pulled back.
“Oh, Sirius.” It occurred to him after he spoke that Sirius hadn’t wanted him to acknowledge it- the elephant, the new wall erected between them. Used to . Sirius’s shoulders shook minutely. He shrugged.
“Do you, Remus?” he asked again, his voice tremulous with the attempt to maintain composure. Remus pulled back within himself. Faced the windshield.
“Yes.”
Sirius nodded. “Cool. Your turn.”
Remus opened his mouth. He had no plan for what he was going to say, just that he couldn’t let there be silence after what had just happened. He had to fix what he’d just fucked up. Before he could speak, the front door of the house swung open, the warm light from inside spilling out into the front garden. Lily Evans stood in the doorway, outlined gorgeously in the light, a shadow of her hair and hips, framed standing next to Remus’ empty wheelchair for a moment as she looked at the car. She pushed the chair up next to the passenger door and rapped on the window once.
“Took too long, loser, made the choice for you. See you inside.” She leaned slightly over to make eye contact with a confused looking Sirius. “Hey Sirius. Hope you found your phone. I’m starving if you’re ready to order that pizza.” She smiled at both of them and then turned around, stomping back into the house.
Remus looked over at Sirius. Sirius grinned back at him sheepishly.
“You were supposed to order pizza?”
“Oops.”
****
Two slices of pizza, 500mg of chlorzoxazone, three shots of tequila, a beer, and a cranked up heating pad later, Remus was feeling much more like a person. Well, a person who had just combined muscle relaxers and alcohol. A rather floppy, loose kind of person who was quickly losing the little brain-mouth filter he’d had left. Dangerous around someone like Sirius, he thought to himself.
Lily and James were engaged in yet another flirty disagreement regarding fan theories about some show they both liked, and Sirius was nursing his beer while tossing in inflammatory comments now and again. Remus kept finding his eyes roving over to Sirius, despite his best intentions to keep himself uninterested. He couldn’t help that Sirius had a deeply fascinating network of facial expression, an interesting bone structure, a gorgeous– no, Remus needed to keep it together. He realized too late that James had said something to him. He flushed, caught in the act of looking at Sirius again.
“Sorry, what?”
James grinned. “What kinds of shows do you watch? Any favorites?”
“Oh, yeah, sure,” said Remus, “I liked…umm…” He honestly couldn’t think of the last time he’d actually watched a television show. They were best as background noise, in his opinion. “I mean, I like the Great British Bake-Off sometimes? I’m more of a movie or book person.” He shrugged. James took it in stride, as he seemed to do everything.
“Cool. Favorite movie?”
This was more Remus’ speed. “Classic favorites are probably The Birdcage or The Princess Bride. Stop Making Sense is also a comfort watch. Best movies I’ve seen recently are definitely Everything Everywhere All At Once and I Saw the TV Glow. Just objectively incredible films, but to me that’s a bit different then a comfort watch. Media has different niches to fulfill, it's kind of hard to just pick a favorite.” James was nodding.
“The Princess Bride is the best man, I love that movie. I also saw Everything Everywhere, super good! I don’t think I’ve seen the other ones. Sirius?”
Sirius startled a bit and Remus almost thought he hadn’t been listening, but he glanced at Remus before turning to James.
“I’ve seen them all. Great picks.” He took another swig of his beer. James rolled his eyes.
“Anything else to add there Padfoot?”
Sirius grinned at Remus. “Nope. He picked the best ones.”
Remus rolled his eyes. “No way that’s true. Favorite movie, Sirius. go. “
Sirius didn’t wait a beat. “Stop Making Sense.”
“And what is that about?” asked Remus.
Sirius froze, a grin spreading across his face. “Um.”
James cackled. “You’re a liar and a flirt, Pads.” Sirius’ face heated, a flush gently touching his cheeks. He shrugged.
“Fine. But I did like I Saw the TV Glow. It was really interesting. I saw it in theaters with– with a friend. I don’t think I really got it the way they did, but I liked it.” The teasing smile had left James’ face and he was inspecting Sirius with a new intensity. Sirius met his eye levelly. James’ upper lip twitched and then his gaze broke suddenly and he grinned at Lily.
“Lilypad! Favorite movie?”
Lily started in about her Eloise at the Plaza obsession, James hanging rapt onto every word; Remus was still stuck on James calling Sirius a flirt. It wasn’t that he hadn’t noticed Sirius flirting- he was a man with eyes, but now he was beginning to wonder more than he should about it. How often did Sirius flirt with guys? With girls? With people in general? Did he flirt with everyone (a premise Remus didn’t reject straight off about him) or was he particular to those he was actually interested in? Did he flirt to fuck or to romance? The internal questioning was a sign of oncoming infatuation for Remus, and that was…unfortunate. He didn’t have the time or energy for a stupid crush, especially one on someone who was going to lead him on, or fuck him and dump him. Remus couldn’t blame anyone for just seeking out a good lay- for fucks’ sake, he did it a few times a month just to get the energy out. But he really didn’t have it in him to do the whole runaround with someone he was taking a liking to. Honestly, he didn’t have time to really date anyway. And all the confusing feelings, the overthinking– it was a sign to cut it off at the root. Starve the seed.
It was simply unfortunate that the look in Sirius’ eyes when he looked at Remus…well, it was starving already. And Remus was so weak for that hungry look, the cheeky and submissive grin, the brash, cocky, neediness, the blatant flirting and roving eyes. God, he just wanted to fuck him and be over it, but he knew he wouldn’t be able to do that. There was something about this one, something gentle and stormy like rain behind his eyes. Remus had a feeling that if he let Sirius touch him, he would be chasing that high forever.
Or maybe he was just tipsy.
The rest of the night passed in a comfortable wash of low-lighting, pizza, and silvery eyes melting into Remus’ skin. James and Sirius seemed to invite a levity wherever they went, balancing each others’ various hilarities and neuroses. Lily poked fun at the two of them, particularly James, but Remus could see her endearment. Though she wasn’t showing her cards, Remus knew Lily was a bit taken with James, who flattered her doggedly and with a sincerity that had Sirius rolling his eyes. Much of Sirius’s eye contact with Remus was under the guise of a side-eye at James’ fawning– honestly, Sirius was being the opposite of a wingman; he told embarrassing stories, took over James’ attention when he was lavishing Lily, and overall behaved the menace. It was clear the performance was for Remus’ benefit; making fun of James’ clear infatuation with Lily and winking at Remus all the while. It made for a fun night for all of them- they made it through most of the alcohol by the time Remus’ brace became unbearable and he excused himself to his bedroom to take it off.
He was shoving the KAFO into its little space between the bed and side table when the door suddenly opened. Remus could feel him before he even turned, the gentle heat rising in him. Sirius stumbled slightly into the doorframe.
“Oh, sorry, not the bathroom.”
Remus nodded, uncharacteristically flushed. Sirius made no move to leave.
“Did you need something?”
Sirius smirked, his drink sloshing in his hand. “You always say that. Maybe I just want to hang out.”
“We’ve been hanging out all night.”
“Yeah, with those soppy motherfuckers. Flirting and ignoring us.” Sirius took a step into the room, looking around.
“Is that so awful? Not being the center of attention?” Remus deadpanned, watching Sirius’ eyes pass over his bookshelves, his framed poster signed by Ocean Vuong. His plaid duvet and wrought metal bed frame.
“Only some people’s attention.” Sirius’ eyes were back on Remus. This fucking man. Making a coward’s move on Remus. And Remus ate it up, feeling his mind latch onto the flirtation with a ferocity.
“James?” Remus wouldn’t let him have it. He’d win this game of chess.
“Mm. Sometimes.”
Remus felt the urge to stand out of his wheelchair. He had height on Sirius and wanted to remind him of that. Instead, he settled back, feigning casual nonchalance. He said nothing. Sirius broke the silence quickly.
“Usually I want different kinds of attention.”
“Do you?”
Sirius grinned. Remus was giving him nothing on purpose. Remus doubted he understood why.
Sirius took another step into the room, this time expressly toward Remus.
“Yep.” he said simply, popping the P.
Remus said nothing again, holding Sirius’ eye contact and almost daring him to elaborate. It was a stalemate. Sirius simply stood holding his beer, in the middle of Remus’ bedroom, seeming for all the world that he belonged right there. Sirius seemed to refuse to move closer; rather, there was an invitation in him. The tension crackled nevertheless, the rainstorm in Sirius igniting strands of lightning reaching toward Remus, electrifying his chair, his hair, the tip of his nose. It was ridiculously fast, this attraction. Slowly, seeing a cute boy around town, then all at once as something about him sent hot knives into Remus’ chest. As if to counteract the rush of his feeling, Remus moved slowly, steadily toward Sirius. Remus saw Sirius’s eyes go down to where his large hands brushed against his wheels, flicking against the metal. Sirius’ throat bobbed as Remus’ caster wheel nearly tapped the other man’s toe.
“I’ll show you where the bathroom is.” There was a moment where Remus thought Sirius might lean down, nose to nose. He imagined Sirius’ pink lips brushing against his own. Something illegible seemed to sweep across Sirius’ face, then, and it hardened almost imperceptibly. Remus felt his disappointment surprisingly deeply. Another one who’s too scared . Remus moved past him toward the hallway. He heard Sirius exhale behind him.
****
Sirius missed seeing Remus around; it had only been a week since he’d hung out at Remus and Lily’s, but there was something grounding and equanimous about him. Plus, he’d been into Rosie’s twice and Remus hadn’t been working. It was more disappointing than he’d expected it to be, his spirits dropping each time. Ultimately, though, it’d been a damn good week. Having James around predictably meant he’d gotten a lot of unpacking done, and his house was beginning to look like a home. Probably would’ve moved faster if James hadn’t stopped every five seconds to text and giggle at his phone, but Sirius couldn’t begrudge James a crush. He’d had about as much trouble in love as Sirius, all things considered.
The two of them went to the pub on James’ last day in town, and he was absolutely delighted to see Lily there, in a corner booth with some friends. She’d introduced them to Dorcas, Marlene, and Mary, all of whom Sirius had seen around town at some point or another with Remus, who was conspicuously absent. When Sirius had asked after him, Lily had evasively changed the subject, and quickly went off to dance wildly with Mary when a song came on that made them both scream with delight. The pub hardly had a dance floor, or inspired a vibe for such an activity, but neither seemed to care. James watched with a goofy grin on his face as Lily and Mary thrashed with abandon in the middle of the otherwise low key establishment. It was only once Lily and Mary began dancing a bit closer, hips grinding and lips gliding through each others’ hair that Sirius thought it time to drag James out before he shat himself with jealousy. Even though he’d been disappointed at Remus’ absence, it had been nice to hang out with a small group of people. Even though he didn’t know them well, it filled him with a gentle warmth to be surrounded by lovely, kind people that made an effort to include him. He could see James shooting him satisfied looks before they left, and Sirius knew he looked better than he had a few days ago. Okay, fine. No more isolation.
Now, Sirius was feeding the ducks more often. The October chill brought with it a foggy atmosphere and an earlier dawn; gorgeous lapping water, jeweled grass, yellowing leaves– the park made Sirius feel that he was in a storybook and that maybe things were looking up for him. He really did love autumn, but he couldn’t deny the lattice of hope embedding itself within his chest that he would see Remus already sitting on his stump each morning when he arrived.
It was a total of eight days after pizza night when Sirius finally saw Remus out again. It was, just as Sirius had hoped, a pondside homecoming. Sirius saw him as he crested the hill– a brown patterned sweater and a honey blonde head propped on his assigned seat, surrounded by babbling birds. There was a heavier curve to his spine and a weariness to his bearing unprecedented to Sirius, but the relief he felt at just seeing Remus shocked him. Something warmed him at the view. He was simply so enamored, Sirius nearly tripped over himself skipping down the hill toward the other man.
“Moony!” he called, stumbling. Remus turned slowly, a large hand coming up to prop his ever present sunglasses on top of his head. The rising sun behind him lit his honeyed hair aglow, turning his messy locks into a halo circling his freckled face. Sirius felt his breath catch, heart beating just a little faster at the sight of that beautifully crooked nose and gentle grin.
“Sirius.” Remus eyed Sirius as he jogged up to him. “Got your bike fixed yet?”
“Huh?” Sirius short-circuited. He’d been swooning, caught up in thoughts like sun-rays about Remus’ eyes and lips and strong arms and–
“Your motorbike. I hope it's been an easy enough fix. And that it’s out of my shed.” Remus quirked an eyebrow up at Sirius.
“Oh.” Sirius' hand came up to rub the back of his neck, sheepishly. “I haven’t been back to it yet, I felt odd without you there.”
Remus’ eyebrows furrowed slightly, and he turned back to his ducks.
“I’ll be back in tomorrow. Have you called Richard?”
“Richard?”
“The mechanic, I gave you his contact.”
“Oh, no. I mean, I fix my own bike. Always have. I’ll call him up for whatever parts I need to buy though.”
Remus hummed.
Sirius sat on the ground next to him, tapping his arm. “What?”
Remus gave him a little side-eye. “Didn’t take you for someone who got his hands dirty.”
“These hands have been in places you can’t imagine,” Sirius said, smirking.
Remus loosed a huffing laugh and tossed a bit of carrot into Sirius’ lap, prompting two ducks to dive between his legs and begin fighting for the morsel. Sirius scrambled back.
“Oh my GOD. Remus!”
Remus was properly laughing now. “I’m just endearing them to you!”
“No, you want them to remove my manhood clean off my body with those beaks!”
“Oh, poor Sirius,” Remus fake pouted, his eyes sparkling, “but if that’s all that makes you a man, we have bigger problems to discuss.”
Sirius just shook his head, but he was grinning as returned to his spot on the ground next to Remus, who silently handed him some of the duck food. Together, they sat in comfortable silence for a few minutes, feeding the ducks together.
Sirius could barely keep his eyes from sliding over to Remus, the way his face glowed in the rising sun. His everpresent sunglasses had been returned to active duty, and sat gently on the bridge of his nose, leading Sirius’ gaze from its slope down to the delicate curling of his upper lip. Sirius wanted to know everything about him. Wanted to burrow into the space between his shoulder and collarbone. Wanted to feel his exhales like warmth from a fire. Instead, he settled for one question at a time.
“So, why don’t you have a middle name? Parents drop the ball?”
Remus snorted, glancing over at Sirius with a kind of fondness that made Sirius’ heart flip in his chest.
“Nah,” he said, turning his gaze back to the rippling pond, “just never replaced it when I changed my name.”
Remus just kept getting cooler in Sirius’ eyes. “Oh sick, you changed your name? Why?”
Leveling Sirius with a look of incredulity, Remus gave a little laugh as he spoke; “Because I had a girl name and didn’t really like it.”
Confused, Sirius shook his head as if to release whatever he was missing. “A girl name? Why?”
Remus’ jaw released a small amount, as if he was in the middle of chewing on something strange, and he shifted a little on his seat. “Because when I was born, they thought I was a girl.”
“Oh.” Sirius blinked. “That’s dumb. You so clearly aren’t.”
Remus let out a spluttering, barking laugh, and Sirius revelled in the sound of it. “Yeah, that’s what I thought too.” Sirius grinned, leaning back on his arms as he gazed up at the sky. He let out a little breath, feeling a sense of content. Remus made him feel content. He glanced back at Remus for a moment, watching him toss another morsel of food to the ground.
Sirius cocked his head. “My first boyfriend was the same.” Remus’ attention returned to Sirius, a leaf seeking rain. “Fabian. It worked for a while because both of our parents thought it was a straight relationship. As if he wasn’t giving me a curl routine while I helped him tape.” Sirius smiled up at the sky. He had fond memories of Fabian, he was one of the best things he had at that time in his life. “It ended pretty amicably. We were still friends for a long time.” After a moment, he snapped back to Remus, focused and intense again, forcing himself to make the casual conversation transition. “What about you? What kinds of…do you date men? Women? Anyone?” He inwardly cringed a bit at the tactlessness of the question, but as with everything, Remus seemed to find it endearing. He gave a little shrug, his brown sweater shifting over the lean musculature of his shoulders and arms. Sirius stopped himself from reaching out.
“I’m not particular. I dated more women back when I was still dating lesbians. It’s been mostly men lately but…” He shrugged again. “There’s more of a personality type for me beyond anything else. Plus, I haven’t…I mean, I don’t…” Remus picked at his thumb, giving it undue attention. “I haven’t really had a real relationship in a while.”
Sirius spoke without a thought. “You? But you’re so attractive and funny and kind, I’d think they’d be lining up.”
Remus smirked, his eyes raking over Sirius, clearing noting the discomfort that was now coursing through Sirius’ veins at his statement. Fuck . Sirius had been clear about his flirting but this had been too forward, too genuine. He didn’t want to make it weird. Remus just shifted in his seat again, tilting his head until Sirius heard a faint pop .
“I didn’t say there weren’t…people.” he said, moving gently through a series of postures that seemed to always end in the sound of a joint cracking. Sirius cringed a bit, almost missing Remus’ comment. Remus caught his expression and gave a little laugh. “Sorry, I’ve been sitting here too long. Bit stiff.”
Sirius didn’t want to let him change the subject, but he took the hint nevertheless. It seemed a bit of a sore spot and while Sirius loved nothing more than to press on a bruise, Remus made him want to remove his hand from the blade and learn first aid. Remus made Sirius think that a band-aid might not be too revealing after all.
“You want to head back up?”
Remus sighed. “Yeah. Where are you headed?”
“I was gonna grab coffee, even though it’s disappointing to know it won’t be made by the best barista in town.”
Remus rolled his eyes. “You flatter me, Black.”
“I meant Alice. Wow, your ego is out of control.”
Remus slapped him lightly on the shoulder before tucking the now empty duck food pouch into his pocket. He leaned over to grab two forearm crutches from the ground on the other side of him and Sirius’ eyes tracked over his revealed boxer waistband, his loose trousers pulling tight over the brace strapped underneath. His waist stretching, his belly spilling lightly over that damn waistband, thick reddish purple stripes crawling over his hips where his trousers pulled slightly away. God, Sirius wanted to trace his fingers over every inch of his skin. Wanted to tuck the pad of his thumb into the divot the stretch marks made in Remus’ side, wanted to slide his fingernail over the small scar next to his belly button and feel him shiver. Sirius felt almost dirty, the way those thoughts overtook him. And then, in a flash, Remus was pulling himself up off the stump and looking at Sirius questioningly. He extended a hand to Sirius, who was still splayed on the ground, his black crutch dangling from his sweater-clad forearm and tapping against Sirius’ leg.
“Let’s go get coffee then. We can check on your bike out back and you can see what parts you need. There’s a basic tool kit back there that should get you that far, at least.”
“You don’t have somewhere to be?”
“I’m just writing today. Was gonna grab coffee anyway, so…” Remus shrugged.
“Have you just been writing the past week?” Sirius asked as they began making their way slowly up the hill.
“Oh,” Remus cringed a little, “yeah. I always take a little extra time in October just for…well, it just always happens that’s when I need it. I try to use it to write, the changing seasons. I c– I don’t really work at the shop as much during them. I do more management stuff.”
Sirius nodded. Season and weather changes mixed with chronic pain. He picked up what Remus was putting down. The rest of the short walk to the shop was wordless, amid the small huffs of travel and the clicking of Remus’ crutches. Remus got to the door first; he threw it open, catching it with a crutch tip to prop and motioning Sirius through.
“Madam.”
Sirius pressed a hand to his chest. “Oh, good sir, thanks be. Chivalry isn’t dead.”
Remus rolled his eyes fondly and followed Sirius into Rosie’s. Sirius strolled up to the register, where Emmeline was manning the bar. He’d met her once before, when he’d come in during the previous week. She’d been sweet and flirty and poured him a mean cappuccino, the top decorated with a beautiful leaf and cacao shaved strategically to line the lip.
She nodded to him from where she was already making a drink behind the machine.
“Hey. Oat cappuccino?”
“Please. With the new single origin, mug to sit in. And whatever Remus drinks.”
Emmeline grinned as she pulled up the milk pitcher, dragging a perfect line down her stack of hearts. “That monster downs straight shots like the world is ending. I don’t think he knows how to sip on a drink.”
“Hey! Rude. I’ll take a cortado with whole milk. House.” Remus called from his seat. “And don’t charge him, Emmeline. On me.”
Emmeline saluted Remus as she slid the paper cup across the counter to the other waiting customer.
After their coffees (two for Remus), they found themselves back in the shed, checking in on where Sirius’ bike had accumulated its week of dust. Remus pulled up a milk crate while Sirius began to investigate the engine, choosing to start there rather than with the wheel. It was a companionable silence, while Remus pondered truly why the fuck he was still there. He had things to do, for one. He had a week of bullshit to catch up on, because fuck the October slide. Writing and chores and errands, all listed in his planner for today, but instead he was sitting and watching Sirius Black diagnose his vintage motorbike behind the cafe. It had only been a few moments before Sirius made a little annoyed sound, pulled out his phone, and started some music before tossing it aside. He bobbed his head along to the Arctic Monkeys song, humming gently under his breath.
Remus laughed lightly. “Could you be any more of a stereotype?”
Sirius didn’t say anything, just laughed and kept humming along, tinkering here and there, the toolbox open next to him and his music playing. Remus watched him work, watched his face light up as he presumably discovered the problem, a small “aha” escaping his lips. He moved a few things around, tightened something, wiped something. Remus didn’t know really, just knew that he liked watching Sirius’ hands while he worked, long and nimble musician’s fingers reaching in and around the machinery, holding it so reverently. Something about them kept him from getting up and leaving. He felt rooted to his milk crate, watching Sirius fiddle. It was calming.
It wasn’t until Sirius threw a leg over the bike that Remus snapped out of his fugue state. He was ultimately unprepared for what the sight would do to him.
Sirius sat astride the old, vintage, black and maroon bike, his dark jeans pulled tight over his ass. He leaned forward to put the key in the ignition and his jacket stretched over his thin, but built upper back, the well-worn leather showing each divot of lean muscle across his shoulders. Remus felt his jaw loosening. Something crackled through his upper leg and inner hip; he wasn’t sure if it was pain or arousal. Neither was ideal– the thought shot him back into his body, and he cleared his throat as he tore his eyes away from the strip of skin visible as Sirius leaned forward. He jumped slightly as the engine roared to life, filling the small space with dusky fumes. A bit of smoke rose from the exhaust pipe, drifting over Sirius, lending him a slightly mystical look as he turned to grin at Remus.
“Engine’s fixed!” he called over the loud rumbling.
“Questionable,” Remus murmured to himself as said engine gave a small rattle.
Sirius switched it all off and turned until he was straddling the bike backwards, grinning broadly at Remus as his fingers tapped along to the music on the leather seat.
“You ever ridden a motorbike, Moony?”
Remus fixed him with a dry stare, ignoring the way his stomach heated at the familiar endearment coming from Sirius. “Don’t call me that. And no, I haven’t. To no one’s surprise.”
“Do you want to?” Sirius had a teasing lilt to his lips, but his eyes seemed surprisingly intense.
Remus laughed, glancing away from Sirius’ silver stare in an attempt to hold himself together. His body felt oddly hot and he almost moved to take off his sweater, stopping himself at thumbing the sleeves. He realized it had been a moment too long since he’d been asked the question.
“Your bike’s wheel is fucked, it doesn’t even ride, engine or no engine,” he said, trying to steer the topic away from him riding a goddamn motorcycle. For added effect, he heaved himself off his crate with one crutch and went to inspect the wheel in question. He could feel Sirius’ eyes, the ones he was desperately looking anywhere but toward, burning into his back as he leaned his head toward the back wheel, putting a hand on the bike to keep steady. He felt it move as Sirius shifted slightly.
“Nah, it’s about finding the balance before you ever ride.” Sirius said, his finger tapping becoming slightly erratic, losing sync with the music. “Come on, get up here.”
Remus looked up, eyebrows raised, snarky objection poised on his lips, and found his face inches from Sirius; Sirius didn’t seem fazed, nor did he move away. His gaze simply roved over Remus’ face with a kind of bright curiosity, his eyes lingering for a moment on the scar slicing through Remus’ eyebrow, his tongue darting out of his mouth toward his lower lip. The movement sent wind tunnels winding through Remus’ stomach, a kind of dizzy intoxication, and he found himself briefly fixated on Sirius’ lips. Again. Remus shook his head almost imperceptibly and pulled slightly away.
“That’s ridiculous. It wouldn’t work for me anyhow.” Remus was sure this was a bad idea. Positive.
“Why?” Sirius asked, genuine and simple. “Is it your leg?”
Remus opened his mouth, closed it, and then rubbed the spot on his forehead where Sirius was managing to give him a tension headache, endearment and exhaustion fighting for dominance behind his teeth.
“I mean.” He hesitated. “It definitely can’t hold my weight and an entire motorbike’s, if that’s what you’re asking. But it's…I mean, I just have no desire to...I don’t…” Remus trailed off, not quite willing to lie and say he didn’t want to, but not willing to hop on either. The thought of pressing himself into the leather where Sirius now sat, his pants pulled tight and leaving little to the imagination, pressed into the fabric…Remus really needed to get out of here. But he really, really didn’t want to.
“If all you’re worried about is holding the weight, it’s a simple fix. This seat fits two, easy.”
Remus’ eyes nearly bulged out of his head. Sirius could not be suggesting…suddenly the image came unbidden, irrepressible, of Remus’ body pressed up against Sirius’ on the bike, feeling his firm ass between Remus’ thighs as Remus reached around Sirius’ body, his hand snaking down…down…
“Okay.” Remus’ voice betrayed him, with surprisingly steadiness. What had he just agreed to? Why did Sirius want this?
Remus quickly found he didn’t have time to question motive and attraction while trying to figure out mounting the damn bike. He either had to sling his bad leg over, which didn’t have the needed range of motion due to his KAFO, or he had to put all of his own weight on his bad leg and throw the other. Frankly none of his limbs and joints were in tip-top shape to begin with, so this was never going to be easy. But, it only took a moment of his hesitation before Sirius was throwing out ideas.
“We could do your hands on my shoulders while you throw your free leg over?”
“Free leg?”
Sirius gave a small laugh. “Your uncaged one.”
Remus rolled his eyes, though he couldn’t hold back a small chuckle. “It’s a KAFO, a knee, ankle, and foot orthotic. Or brace, I guess. And functionally, I would argue it’s the opposite of a cage.” Remus reached down and knocked his knuckles against the smaller hinged brace strapped under the pants of his sturdier leg. “Plus, my other knee is braced too, so they’re both caged by your standards.
Sirius just raised his hands in surrender, still smiling. “Something new every day, I guess. So how are we doing this?”
Remus studied the bike and Sirius for a moment.
“Okay,” he said, “don’t turn around yet because you’re going to have to hold me stable with your hands while I throw my leg over.” Remus grimaced. “There’s a decent chance my knee will buckle.”
Sirius just shrugged cheerfully. “I won’t let you fall.”
“No the fuck you won’t.”
It took some positioning, but he was so focused that Remus almost missed the burn of Sirius’ hands as they rested on his waist, the shift of Sirius’ shirt as he leaned into Remus. It all hit Remus at once, the moment he had to trust Sirius with his weight; it was a mental vortex and a physical gut punch. How did this man he’d just met convince Remus to trust him like this? To trust Sirius with his body ? And why did it feel so natural? The way that Remus’ hands found the divots in Sirius’ shoulders immediately; the way Sirius shifted to compensate weight effortlessly, somehow holding Remus without displacing his ribcage or shoving into his sore hips; the way it felt as if, for a moment, their bodies melded into one machine with one purpose…it was a bit like magic. And Remus barely breathed a sigh of relief when it was over, only to realize the new predicament he’d put himself in.
He was flush against Sirius– both of them, legs spread, and chest to chest. The dust from the bike was still floating in the air, catching on Sirius’ eyelashes and stubble and eyebrows, looking a bit like silver. Like his eyes. Like Sirius was liable to burn Remus if he touched him, covered in riches and wonders and fire direct from the stars as he was. Clearly, Sirius was unbothered by the potential, because he made no move to put space between their amalgamated bodies. If anything, he seemed to revel in it, leaning even closer into Remus.
“You smell good, Moony.”
Remus swallowed. Hard. “I thought I told you not to call me that,” he whispered, but the barb lacked bite. He may as well have given Sirius express permission to do with Remus as he pleased.
Sirius’ standing smirk melted into something else then. There was still levity carved into every line of his face, but Remus could see it again- that starvation. It was only a moment before Sirius seemed to jump slightly, an uncharacteristic fluster coming over him as he shifted and stuttered a bit. Remus looked down, following Sirius’ attention.
Sirius was noticeably, quite more than half, hard, his desire straining against his jeans and leather seat. Remus didn’t have time to mentally, logically react before his body did it for him, flushing and warming him. The shot of lightning pulsing through him, down to his cock, which stiffened in reaction. It was so immediate, the immense arousal, Remus felt a bit like he was choking for a moment before Sirius gave a strained sort of hum into Remus’ ear.
“Sorry, Remus, I didn’t..I didn’t think that–”
“Is that why you have this bike?” Remus followed suit, leaning forward and whispering into Sirius’ ear. “It gets you all hot and bothered to make your men straddle it for you?”
Sirius’ breath hitched. “I think just you, Remus.”
Remus hummed, a slow smile coming to his face as his breath ghosted across Sirius’ cheek. Their lips were centimeters apart. Instead, Remus turned his face down, his forehead meeting Sirius’ and bringing his face down slightly as well. He forced Sirius to watch as he wrapped his hands around Sirius’ thighs, moving them slowly inward. Remus could feel Sirius clenching his muscles beneath his grasp.
“Moony?” The name climbed out of deep in Sirius’ throat, halfway between a question and a gasp, as if he couldn’t quite believe it.
“Yes, Sirius?” Remus said, with an ironic and calm kind of patience, his hands still circling the space around Sirius’ cock teasingly.
“Do you…ah…do you think that I’ll be able to…Jesus…able to fix my bike?”
Remus let out a barking laugh, turning his head up towards the ceiling and baring his throat to Sirius’ downcast face. Without looking, he palmed Sirius’ still-growing bulge, leaning forward so he could feel the resulting gasp press into his chest.
Without warning, he grasped Sirius’ face in both hands and stared with utter seriousness into his eyes. “You can fix whatever you decide to. But, help can be worth it, too. So you don’t have to do it by yourself. So you don’t have to fix everything alone.”
He made quick work of Sirius after that, pulling him out of his tight jeans and looking down at how he glistened against the motorbike, working him until he threw his head back, calling Remus’ name. They did not kiss.
Remus wrote a full two chapters of his book that night.
Chapter 3: Ostentatiously
Notes:
Mary's Baking Playlist: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/4K0HjErwLifpnJr4Lhyj2O?si=f98a8448cce14334
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
Remus had been a chapter from finishing his book for months. One more chapter , he would ruminate in the shower. Just one more , he would think, pouring a macchiato and calling it out, mind visualizing sentences and plot points and commas all the while.
One more should do it , he had said to Lily the other day, to which she laughed in his face.
Now, he sat in front of his laptop in the soft glow of Lily’s prized Tiffany style lamp, thinking that perhaps another chapter would really round out the story. He had a bad habit, he knew, of drawing things out. Resisting inevitable ends and instead sinking his teeth into detail after detail. He chewed each sentence, rearranged words as if in a card game but with a kind of life or death seriousness; took the comma in, out, in, out, in…and then fought Lily when she told him to take it out again. Each phrase had to be exacting, each moment profound yet simple. Because what was the point of giving his words to others if it didn’t make him understood? It wasn’t his book if he wasn’t in complete control of the narrative, of the intention, of each character and moment, each breath; and the book wasn’t ready for others to read and interpret and project onto and kill with a sweeping eye. If he was going to commit an act as intimate as publishing his words, it was going to be a damn masterpiece. So, he kept writing. And then he read it over, hated it, and wrote it again. He sat and wrote his last chapter for months, until his back ached beyond belief and his fingers cramped. No final word could be final enough. No beautiful allegory complete enough, no character arc fulfilled enough. Chasing perfection like this, a self-completion in literature: it was flagellation and masturbation in equal parts, and Remus was adept at both.
Remus was labelling a blank page for his next chapter when Lily strutted in from her bedroom, decked out in a two piece floral set straight out of the 60s. The pink and yellow highlighted her coppery hair, the tailored top showing off her hourglass, and Remus’ gaze was drawn to her, despite his work set in front of him. He whistled appreciatively as she grinned and did a little spin.
“Where are you headed looking like ginger Barbie?”
Lily rolled her eyes, running a finger through a small tangle at the bottom of her long hair.
“James managed to convince me to meet him halfway from London for an afternoon. He’s been dogging me about it and he’s so sweet…” Lily sighed, a little noise that conveyed a performative exasperation. Underneath that was something more genuine. “It seemed worth it, when I wasn’t facing the drive.”
Remus grinned; this was Lily as flustered as she ever got- a little extra fluttery and talkative, fingers dragging through her hair repetitively. “You like him and he likes you. It’ll be fun and if nothing else, you’ll get him off your back.”
“ Like is a strong word for how I feel,” scoffed Lily, “Tolerate, more accurately.”
“Oh, sure,” Remus deadpanned, meeting her eye as her soft smile betrayed her. He turned back to his blinking cursor. “Have a good drive, keep me updated so I know he hasn’t murdered you.”
Lily grinned. “Oh, I know you trust Sirius’ taste in friends a little more than that.” The insinuation rang through her voice, daring Remus to take the bait.
“I don’t trust Sirius to pick out socks.” He wouldn’t do it.
“Whatever you say, Moony.” Lily clapped Remus on the shoulder, leaning over to look at his screen. “Another one? What are you waiting for?”
Remus said nothing, the barest whisper of a shrug meeting Lily’s hand. She rubbed her thumb into the back of his shoulder quickly before pushing off toward the door.
“Okay, well, I’ve got to get going. Don’t be too serious about it, Remus. The book has to end sometime.”
“Yeah, yeah,” Remus droned, feeling her words strike him deeper than he would’ve liked. The book ending was not today’s goal. Today’s goal was another chapter.
It was another hour of staring at a screen and only adding one singular sentence before Remus decided he needed a break, and possibly a cortado.
It was a fifteen minute walk, but only a ten minute roll to Rosie’s, slightly downhill. There are pluses to a fucked body thought Remus, and then changed his mind as his shoulders began smarting gently.
Rosie’s was bustling when he arrived- well, what counted for bustling in their small town. All the stuffed seating was filled with customers, working and chatting. A few people waited in line to order and a few more waited for drinks at the other end of the counter.
“Remus!” Alice called from behind the espresso machine. Remus waved a hand in response. “Cortado?”
“You know it. Thanks, Alice.”
Remus hung back where people wouldn’t trip over him while distracted by their phones or drinks, until Alice called out his. He hadn’t even had to ask, and she’d put it in a to-go cup so he could tuck it between his legs in his chair without spilling. No one was doing it like the staff at Rosie’s. Alice leaned in before he could leave.
“Sirius is in the shed out back. He asked for you when he came in and we said you were off. He seemed disappointed.” Alice grinned conspiratorially. “Maybe you should go say hi.”
Remus shot her an exasperated look. “I’ll go tell him to fuck off and leave my baristas alone.”
Alice’s grin grew somehow larger. “Yeah, sure, that’s what you’ll tell him.”
Remus took his coffee and headed towards the shed. He had a sense he’d be able to actually get some writing done there, with Sirius tinkering away in the background and dramatic music playing out of tinny phone speakers.
***
Rana Ascella Black was a dead girl. And Regulus was so fucking fine with that. So what if his parents would rather him be publicly dead than publicly a dude? Frankly, two birds, one stone. He doubted anyone would see much of her in him anyway, anymore. He had her eyes, and her snark. Her wit. Her tenacity. The name of a star, despite it all. Everything important that he’d loved about her, he’d packed up in the duffle bag with a few t-shirts and the binder James had bought him. The rest was left to the empty coffin his parents oh so graciously shelled out thousands on. Pretending he was a totally and completely different person may not be the healthiest, but it was goddamn effective. And death certificate notwithstanding, he was the most alive he’d been in years.
Really, what was left was the issue of Sirius. Part of the deal was that Sirius had to publicly grieve. Believably. And Sirius didn’t do anything he didn’t want to; he was unpredictable, prone to emotional fits, and ultimately unreliable in a ruse such as this. It was frustrating to Regulus, these traits that were somehow all Black and also all Sirius. If only he could’ve pulled it together, like Regulus had. Pushed it down, smoothed down his shirt, breathed, and assimilated, even for a moment…but Regulus also couldn’t fault Sirius for his inability to conform. Well, now he didn’t- he had faulted him, and heavily for years. Leaving their relationship off at that point was almost regretful, and yet the Death Deal was one of the best things that had ever happened to Regulus. Nevertheless, Sirius couldn’t know. It was killing Regulus, but he understood why his parents had included a year of no-contact with Sirius in their deal. He did.
But now, it was almost December; a week left before Rana had been dead a year.
So, Regulus did what he always did when he was approaching a turning point, a conversation, a fight with Sirius– he went to see James.
***
James couldn’t stop grinning the whole way home. It was a bit later than he’d meant to be out, but he couldn’t find it in himself to give a fuck. Music blasting, windows cracked, James sang loudly and laughed and reminisced on the long afternoon he’d just had with Lily.
Jesus, he was ob sessed . She was beautiful, hilarious, talented, just a tiny bit mean. There was a confidence that shone out of her, a kind of hot condescending self-righteousness that melted into little smiles of understanding and humility quickly and without hesitation. She was independent but not to any fault- she fit perfectly into the community she’d help create and she cared so deeply, the emotion running parallel to a kind of beautifully laissez-faire approach to life. James was enamored beyond belief. Everything she’d done had shone to him. It had only taken less than fifteen total hours spent together– James was thinking about what kind of ring she would like. He couldn’t help it, he was a romantic. And Lily was perfect.
It was a strange and hard pivot when he pulled into his driveway, next to an unfamiliar black car. The blasting music contrasted with the heavy pit that quickly settled in his stomach. His association with cars like this one…suffice to say, the last one had signaled a funeral. He tried to shake himself out of it, the heavy pounding in his ears lifting slightly when he caught the small, almost hidden pride bumper sticker on the back of the car. He took a breath– there’s no reason the Blacks would be here. They’d sworn off contact with Sirius. Plus, they were probably busy trying to conceive an heir or, like, kidnap one since both their children were out of the picture. James smiled to himself. Disgusting pricks.
His mood was back up by the time he swung out of the driver’s seat, humming to himself, wondering which of his neighboring flats had a rich ass guest, if the car was anything to go off of.
He’d made it halfway up the pebble path toward the porch, skipping from little stone to stone, before he looked up and saw the figure on the porch. He squinted briefly, his poor vision made worse by the dusk. Even blurred, there was something familiar in the way the body held itself, like if it released even a muscle, it would fall apart. No. James shook his head slightly, still squinting.
“James.”
The figure stepped off the porch, and James stumbled almost drunkenly off the path, away from the spectre.
James’ brain was struggling to interpret what his eyes were seeing, what his ears were hearing– the voice wasn’t exactly one he’d heard before, but he recognised the cadence, the timbre. Something tinged and strange and nostalgic in the way his name was said.
James blinked and suddenly he was on the ground, hands in the grass, fingers moving through the blades gently. One sliced into his finger, like a papercut, and his eyes suddenly focused on the person who was now crouched directly in front of him. How had they moved so fast?
“James. Say something, James. I’m sorry, I didn’t want to scare you. Jamie?”
James didn’t– couldn’t – speak. Not until his brain could catch up to what he was seeing. It was, wasn’t, but was , sort of, yeah? Really was not , but oh, James reached out and touched a pale cheek and this boy, he was sort of Rana, wasn’t he? James wasn’t stupid. He knew they’d been thinking about a new name. A new haircut, new clothes. New life. He’d bought them a binder, after all. Researched with them. Tried calling them girlfriend, partner, boyfriend, partner, boyfriend. Ex-boyfriend. Ex-girlfriend. Ex-partner. Held them while they cried, thinking everything would be different now. Feeling things change, because everything was different now. The man in front of James was clearly at a different point in this journey, and a small, rational, clear part of James’ brain knew what had happened. His fingers dug into the dirt, overturning it, seeds sticking under his nails. He took a breath; he observed, the way he might during a panic attack.
Things James could see:
- A young man. Piercing grey eyes. Short dark hair. Pale. Looks like his girlfriend and his best friend rolled into one. Ex-partner. His dead ex-partner.
- His yard. His flat facade.
- His dead ex. But as a boy.
- Green grass.
- Rana. But, boy. Boy Rana.
The last one made him laugh a little as he thought it. Boy Rana . “Boy” was not the surprising part of the sentence. Actually, it seemed very right. That was funny to him. He laughed a little harder, suddenly overtaken. Boy Rana looked really concerned, and it made James laugh even harder. He doubled over. His dead ex was in front of him, transitioning in a way James knew he’d only dreamed of. A ghost. Who transitioned after death. Transgender ghost? James was being haunted. And losing it, truly. He had to call Sirius. Or maybe an ambulance. Was he going crazy? Having some kind of stroke? What were hallucinations a sign of?
The ghost put a hesitant hand on James’ shoulder. The laughter bubbling from James’ gut suddenly ceased as the solid, familiar weight appeared. He looked up in awe, at the face, beautiful as ever.
“Who are you?”
The boy’s eyebrows creased gently.
“You don’t know?”
James struggled to articulate the thoughts swirling in his head.
“I– I do, I just. I don’t want to– I know who you are, I think I always would, anywhere, I just, I’m not sure what to…what to call..umm…” James trailed off, bewildered and overwhelmed.
The other man’s forehead smoothed as his lips twitched.
“Oh. Regulus. Who I am is Regulus.”
“Still a star, then.”
Regulus (it suited him) blinked. His eyes teared suddenly, and he turned slightly away.
James let his gaze roam over Regulus’ profile. The jawline a bit stronger, nose a bit wider. Hairline slightly different, though solid as ever. James could see the person he’d always known there, still, even with the changes. The muscled composure of his face and shoulders. The equally formed smile and frown lines he should’ve been too young for.
Regulus wiped a tear aggressively (it made James smile, the familiar action) and turned back.
“My parents…they made me a deal. My death for my transition. I couldn’t contact Sirius for a year, to make it seem real. They didn’t trust him. But, it’s a year. In two days. I want to see him. But, first I wanted to see you.”
James nodded, a dazed expression playing across his face as his eyes darted relentlessly around Regulus’ face.
“I’m…I’m sorry. That you had to…I’m sorry. You look beautiful. I–” James stuttered, turned his face down momentarily, gathering himself. “This deal. I hope it gave you everything you wanted.”
Regulus smiled, small and sad. His eyes searched James’ face for the first time since they’d sat on the grass together. They landed on his hairline, and his hand reached up as if to fix James’ wild curls, and just as quickly was pulled back.
“Not everything. But, enough. Plenty.”
James felt the admission curled deep in his gut and he swallowed. He put a hand on Regulus’ knee, but did not move closer. The moment of recollection and loss lingered a moment longer before something closed back up in Regulus’ face. But, there was a sense between them, like there always was– there was too much sadness in the world for them to let go of something so good with any permanence. Even after Regulus’ funeral, James never let him go– never completely released the romance and spark that came with the thought of them, how they’d been. And really, he never would. James knew that now more than ever. But, he also knew they’d made the right choice. And god, did that suck. But Regulus would always be one of his people. And he’d be one of Regulus’. That would have to do.
And now, Sirius. God, Sirius. This was going to break him in half. But, James had high hopes for his recovery.
Regulus inspected a fingernail with practiced indifference. A lump formed in James’ throat. He really was the same as ever, a year after James had attended his funeral. There was a second too long of silence before Regulus spoke.
“I assume you know what I’m here to ask of you.”
James nodded. “Sirius.”
“Sirius.” Regulus confirmed. “I’m sorry to include you in this, but we both know it’ll be best for him.”
James exhaled. Fuck.
Regulus looked back down at his hands.
“Jamie. Did you ever…Shit, did you ever tell Sirius that I was…that I was thinking about. That I wasn’t a girl?”
James sighed. “No. I’m pretty sure he knew. But, he never talks about you, refuses to bring you up. I don’t think he can. Losing you, it…well. He left everything behind. Even me, for a while. Your gender is the last thing he gives a fuck about, if that helps.”
Something complicated passed across Regulus’ face, making him look more like Sirius than ever before; then, he stood abruptly, offering James a hand.
“Alright fucker. Let’s get inside and make a plan. You got anything to drink?”
***
The weeks of fall had Remus and Sirius falling into a sort of routine, centering around the shed and the bike.
Remus assumed that Sirius would’ve finished by now, but he kept on ordering parts and tools from Richard, hauling in more stuff from his own garage, and tinkering away at the motorbike. And who was Remus to judge? Remus didn’t know shit about bikes. All he knew is that sitting in that nasty, dusty old shed with Sirius was the most actual progress he’d made on his book since he’d first struck upon the concept for it.
It was a little frustrating at first, to find how inspiring it was to work alongside Sirius, both of them absorbed in their acts of creation, meeting in brief moments between shifts to touch on the everyday of their lives, before diving back into work. Remus had felt a slog for so long, a kind of weight attached to writing this book, crushing expectation ripping the joy of creating from his chest. He was shocked to find it felt different with Sirius. And annoyed to feel the impact of another person. Remus knew no man was an island. It was different to realize he was better with others around. With Sirius around. After a few days of sulking about it, he leaned into it. And found he might, might be approaching the end of his book.
Unconsciously, this creative lean made him lean into Sirius as well. A heated glance, a gentle touch. A vulnerable word. Remus didn’t try to touch him again the way he had that first day in the shed, and Sirius didn’t bring it up. Despite the simmering something , the atmosphere between them remained somehow comfortable. There was a kind of mutual understanding in the wordlessness. Neither were ready. That was okay. Still, their closeness was palpable to everyone around them and they knew it.
Hardly a month and a half of knowing each other, and Sirius and Remus went hardly a day without seeing one another. It was ridiculous, Remus knew. And there were things they’d never discussed– Sirius’ family, the details of Remus’ body. History and history and hearts and history. Why Sirius up and moved here. Why Remus never left.
Some things could be felt now and understood later, between two people who were linked in that way. And Remus found that more things than ever were felt strongly in that shed, difficult for him to understand, but profound nonetheless. Sometimes, he would look into Sirius’ eyes and know that he felt that too. And still, he would see that starvation. Sometimes for something like a gentle word or a warm mug. Sometimes for something beyond reach. And, yes, sometimes for Remus.
It was so much between them, and they held it gently, knowing it was fragile, watching one another like a ground spot, arms outstretched, ready for the catch. The moment they talked about it, everything would be different, one way or another. They were both too black and white. All in and all out. The circus tightrope they were walking on toward one another was a tight string and first risk for the both of them. Nevertheless– they were slow and steady. They were balanced. They gave, and they took. Sometimes, they brought in flowers. They fed the ducks at the lake. They worked and the autumn days passed into winter. December approached.
***
“Hey Remus!” James’ sunny voice rang through the shop and his energy tumbled its way through the front door of Rosie’s, a bit loud for 8:30am but welcome nonetheless. He was followed in by a smaller man, with a tense face, but kind, grey eyes. Grey eyes that seemed piercingly familiar. Remus blinked.
“Hey James. And…?”
“Regulus.” James’ friend, Regulus , gave Remus a slight nod. James’ eyes widened slightly, looking to the young man next to him as if he was shocked to find him there.
“Oh, yes, Reggie, this is Remus. Remus, this is, well he already said it, but yes. Regulus. Um, Regulus is here to…well, no. I’m getting ahead of myself. Sorry.” James shook his head a little. Remus’ eyes tracked Regulus as he placed a calming hand to James’ upper back. James, almost on instinctual reaction to the touch, relaxed slightly and took a deep breath. Interesting. Remus finished pouring a latte and pushed it out on the bar.
“Gorgeous work, as always!” James said, almost too sprightly. Remus cocked his head.
“That’s sweet, James. Is everything okay?”
James' smile dropped slightly, and he shifted his weight. “Yeah, just some crazy stuff, I’ll tell you later. Right now, we’re just looking for Sirius? I went to surprise him at home and couldn’t find him. Thought he might be here but I don’t see him.”
Remus nodded. “He’s out back in the shed, with his bike. I’m going on break in a few minutes if you want me to walk you out, but it’s not hard to find.”
James shook his head forcefully. “No, no. We…me and…well, we have a plan. It would be better at home but that’s…it’s fine.” He took another deep breath. “Thank you Remus. It’ll be fine. Maybe I can take a coffee out to him though?”
Remus smiled, though the crease between his eyebrows remained.“Yeah, of course. I’m giving him decaf, though, don’t say anything.”
James laughed. “You know him too well.”
Remus looked down at his work. “Mm.”
James turned and spoke low in Regulus’ ear for a moment, while Remus worked on the drink. Remus couldn’t hear what was said, but it tonally seemed all business. A young man with another star name who looked like Sirius, who looked at James like he’d hung the moon, who could affect his breathing pattern with a light touch…Remus was trying not to make assumptions, but this was all a lot to take in and process without thinking something about all of it.
“Alright,” Remus said, handing James Sirius’ drink. He smiled gently at the other’s nervousness. “You don’t seem like you need any stimulants, but feel free to ask. Back door is through the kitchen. Knock before you walk in, I’m sure you know how jumpy Sirius gets when he’s locked in on his work.”
James smiled softly. “I do. Thank you Remus. Regulus is going to hang in here for a minute. You guys should get to know each other.” And then he was gone.
Regulus gave Remus an appraising look. Despite being unable to see most of Remus, hidden as he was behind the bar, his eyes seemed to grasp onto all of Remus, inspecting him.
“So,” he said, leaning slightly against the counter, “are you fucking my brother?”
Remus choked on the sip of water he’d just taken.
“What? Why would– no, I? No?” He devolved into laughter before the whole sentence clicked. “Wait, oh my god, your brother?”
Regulus smirked. “You didn’t know? He does exude only child energy.”
Remus swallowed. “No, it’s…I thought that– I know that it’s…I guess, complicated.”
“Oh. Yes.” Regulus looked down at his feet. “Our parents…well, I guess you’ll find out all about this soon enough, seeing as you’re the only name that’s come up in relation to Sirius since I came to see James.”
Remus nearly interrupted with the speed at which he gestured after where James had disappeared. “You and James…? You’re…?”
“No.” Regulus’ practiced stoney expression couldn’t hide the way the implication danced under his skin. “Not anymore. He only liked me when I was a girl.”
“Oh.” Remus’ face fell. “I didn’t clock him as someone who…I guess I don’t know him that well, but–”
Regulus interrupted quickly. “No, no, it’s not like that. That was unfair; I don’t want to make it seem like James didn’t try. It was…it was complicated. That wasn’t the only problem. We’re special to each other but not like that anymore, I suppose.” Regulus was denying Remus eye contact; it seemed like he had retreated within himself. Not avoidant, just…gone.
“Damn. That sucks.”
Regulus let out a surprised laugh. It was louder than Remus would’ve guessed, and surprisingly light.
“Yeah, it did.” Regulus met Remus’ eyes. “I like you. You can fuck my brother if you want.”
“Oh my god . I’m not fucking your brother!”
“But, you want to.”
“Regulus, I know we just met, but you should know that you’re a little shit.”
“Well, can the shit little brother of the man you’re fucking get an americano?”
“Oh my god, all that and you have shit taste in coffee too.”
“Oh fuck off,” Regulus rolled his eyes, “make me whatever you want, then. But I don’t want to pay for more than an americano.”
“You’re not paying for shit, being related to Sirius is good for a coffee with me.”
“You say that, and you don’t want to fuck him? Yeah, sure.”
“What kind of weird trauma do you have that makes you think every guy wants to fuck your brother?”
“Remus, you have no idea.”
“Spill, Reggie .”
“Ew, fuck off. You’re relentless.”
“And you’re a little shit.”
They were both doubled over in laughter when Sirius stormed into the cafe, arms gesturing wildly as he spoke. Regulus’ demeanor changed in an instant when he saw his brother walk in. He immediately straightened, his shoulders pulling toward his ears, which reddened perceptibly. Something like fear flashed across his face before it settled into the same pale, placid lake Remus had first seen from him.
“...and you should’ve called me immediately , two days is bullshit and you know I don’t give a fuck about Wally and Oreo’s contracts, who the fuck is telling the law about two goddamn days.” Sirius came in hot, but stopped the moment he saw Regulus, having an almost identical reaction to the one Regulus did. Something straightened through his spine, his chin lifted…then quivered. The string pulled tight in Sirius’ chest that had been so tangible to Remus since they’d met snapped with a whimper. Sirius bounded across the room in so few steps, Remus wondered that he wasn’t flying, and suddenly Regulus was gathered in Sirius’ arms. Sirius was sobbing.
“You were dead .” He was mumbling into Regulus’ hair. “Dead. You were dead.”
Remus was glad the cafe was empty, except for Alice coming back in from her break. He motioned for her to take over behind the counter, dragged his bar stool to its corner, and clocked out for his break. He passed off Regulus’ macchiato to James and came up hesitantly behind the brothers, Sirius still clinging to a shocked-seeming Regulus. He placed a gentle hand on Sirius’ back.
“Do you guys want some privacy? You can use the office break room.”
Sirius didn’t respond, but Regulus nodded, wrapping an arm around Sirius enough to shift him slightly and get him moving forward. The four of them made their way to the room, and Remus dug out the folding chairs before taking his leave without a word, just a pat to each of their shoulders.
They didn’t leave that room for a long time, and Remus didn’t see Sirius for a few days after.
***
Mary was finishing up closing down the kitchen from her requested testing shift when Remus came out of the office, a few days after Regulus’ eventful promenade into their lives. His administrative tasks had taken longer than expected, but he couldn’t complain when he spotted the rows of fresh crostadas, quiches, and cookies arranged with clear intention on the counter. Gentle music was still drifting from the old crusty kitchen speaker tucked into the corner, maybe Nora Jones, and Mary was humming as she tucked the last few freshly washed dishes into their proper nooks and crannies.
“Remus, darling, come try! And bring some home. I’m not sure the cookie is right for the cafe, but I think the quiche would be a hit– Alice said that people keep asking about some more savory options.”
“I’m sure it’s all delicious, Mary.” Remus inhaled the scent of their fresh baking with a dramatic wave of his hand. “Of course, Barty technically has final say, but that’s only if he gets his ass in here to taste test, so…” He gave a little shrug as he selected a crostada from the neatly arranged rows, and Mary watched with undue focus as he broke it gently in half to look at the filling.
“It’s cranberry clove, but there’s also, of course, some cinnamon, anise, and lemon. I was thinking the holiday season called for it. I also want to try something with challah, but I don’t have a lot of experience with it. Maybe that’s a home bake first.” They rambled a bit, clearly anticipatory as Remus popped the light puff pastry into his mouth. His eyes widened.
“Mary, this is stupendous. I don’t even…I don’t really know how to properly assess the quality of a baked good but this is fucking delicious.” Mary gave a single, delighted clap, her face beaming as she tossed a quiche and a cookie in front of a stool at the counter.
“Sit. Try. And tell me how things are going with that beautiful rich boy that you’re keeping in the back shed like your own personal zoo attraction.”
“First of all, bonkers way to describe us hanging out and working together. Second of all, he’s literally just fixing his bike, then he’ll be out of my hair. It’s comforting background noise to write to, and I get to learn to ride. It’s a win-win.”
Mary’s attentiveness cracked into a slow grin. “He’s teaching you to ride his bike?”
“I mean. Teach is a strong word. It’s not hard to sit on a bike and it’s not fixed enough to actually go anywhere yet.”
“So…he’s teaching you to ride something else, then?”
“Oh my god, why does everybody think we’re fucking! We’re literally friendly, I barely know him. His brother said the same fucking thing, I’m sick of it. I have other people I fuck when I want to, I don’t need to seduce Sirius fucking Black.”
Mary stacked her empty plate under Remus’ and watched as he took out his aggression on her beautiful quiche, shoving a piece into his mouth, waiting until he had a mouth full of egg and chives to respond, nudging him gently as she spoke.
“Okay, you’re not fucking, but what about…romance?”
Remus coughed a little as he nearly laughed at them.
“What about romance? Plenty of that in my writing, which takes up all the time I’d need for something like that anyway. I have great friends, some with killer benefits, a great job, hobbies, plants. Romance is nice and all, just not what I’m looking for right now.”
“When will you be looking for it? When the book’s done? When the sequel’s done? The series? That’s honestly so ridiculous, Remus.”
“I mean, I don’t know, I–” Flustered, Remus turned to face Mary, “Why so curious? You looking to get cosied up with all this?” He gestured at his striped sweater, followed by a poorly executed attempt at a seductive body roll, and they both laughed.
Mary smirked a little, eyes running over Remus’ face analytically. “As tempting as that offer is, I’m mostly asking for Sirius. I don’t know that he’s gotten the memo that you’re not doing romance.”
Remus side-eyed the practiced innocence spreading across Mary’s face, her barely concealed conspiratorial grin peeking through the moment Remus, slightly taken aback, said, “I don’t think that can be true.”
“Bringing you drinks, teaching you about his bike, watching you write. He took and wears your sweater. He’s finding every excuse to touch you, be right up close to you. I mean, just the way he looks at you Remus, like he’s…well, the point is, I saw the flowers he brought the other day.”
“Hey! Those were to bring home to Lily, they were from James. He had Sirius pick them up.”
“There were two bouquets, Remus.”
“...He was just being nice! He knows I replace the flowers in our kitchen every week and they were starting to wilt.”
“You’re hopeless.”
“Not hopeless. Pragmatic. Not every couple of people who get along well are meant to be. I enjoy my friendship with Sirius. I don’t need to jump his bones just because he’s hot.”
“So you admit he’s hot?”
“I’m fucking gay, aren’t I? And he has that whole big vulnerable grey eyes, soft hair, leather jacket thing going on. And yeah, he brings me things and is fucking normal about normal things and attentive about special things and I don’t have to specify and it’s nice!”
Mary snatched the last bite of cookie from Remus’ plate and popped it in her mouth before running their hands down their apron, grabbing the plates, and standing.
“Sounds like romance to me, but what do I know? I’m just a lesbian, the most stereotypically romantic kind of person on the planet. Obviously, the way you look at him like he’s a rockstar and the way he looks at you like you hung the damn moon means nothing.”
“It doesn’t matter anyway. Now that his brother’s not like, dead or whatever, I bet he’s going back to London.”
Mary shook her head and gracefully allowed Remus to change the subject. “That situation is soap opera wild in a way that only rich people can achieve. Faking your death and lying to your brother about it is really…something.”
Remus shifted a bit in his seat, feeling his bones shift too. Yuck. “Yeah, it’s really complicated. I met Regulus, his brother. They’re…kind of the same, but really, really different too. Both really blunt. Direct. But where Sirius is soft and open, Regulus is…I don’t know, but they’ve both been through a lot.”
Mary nodded. “We should all hit up the pub together soon. Once Sirius is over the initial shock of. You know. His brother not being dead. I’d like to observe the three of you together, I think it’d be super entertaining to me.”
Remus punched Mary lightly in the arm. “So rude. Speaking of entertaining situations, what the hell is happening with you and Lily and James?”
Mary grinned. “Lily and I hooked up, like, once and it was great, but we’re better off as friends for sure. James is kind of freaked out though, I think he thinks that now he’s in competition with a girl for Lily’s favor and it’s making him work really hard…so we’re letting it happen. It’s actually kind of sweet. He has a sensitive, genuine vibe that I really dig, I actually think he’d be good for Lily. But don’t tell him, I’m not in the practice of affirming men.” Remus snorted. Mary tilted their head. “Lily hasn’t told you?”
“Honestly, I forgot to ask. I’ve been…I’ve been kind of caught up hanging out with Sirius lately and she’s been driving more to see James. We keep having priorities other than just catching up when we see each other.” He shrugged.
“Time for a double date.” Mary wiggled her eyebrows, and Remus groaned.
“Yeah, only if you and Regulus come to make it interesting,” he joked.
Mary’s lip twitched. “Oh, that’s a deal . You free Friday?”
Remus was really in for it now.
***
They were pointedly not talking about Regulus. Sirius had shown up, toolkit in hand, halfway through Remus’ shift and asked if he would be ‘joining the party’ out in the shed when he was done. There had been no discussion of the four days without contact, after months of daily camaraderie. No discussion of trans Lazarus. Just bike and book, same as always. Until–
“You should have a middle name.”
Remus looked up from his notebook, only having half-heard Sirius.“What?”
“A middle name. It’s weird you don’t have one.”
Remus snorted. “Okay, what’s your’s then?”
“Orion.”
“That’s weirder than no middle name.”
“Not as weird as Sirius. Plus it’s my father’s name. I almost like it less than my last name.”
“Then change it.”
“Change what?”
“Your middle name, if you hate it so much.”
Sirius grimaced. “I don’t know, that seems…like an overreaction to not liking my middle name. Lots of people don’t like their middle names.”
“Yes. And they should change them.”
Sirius just snorted, and looked off behind Remus, considering. Remus shifted to catch Sirius’ eye again.
“I’ll choose a new middle name if you do.”
“That’s not fair.”
“How’s it not fair?”
“I’m like…replacing a family name, it’s a big deal. You haven’t had one in years, it’ll be easy, you’ll probably pick something stupid and dull like Rob or John just to spite me.”
Remus grinned. “That’s not true. I’d go the full version. Robert or Johnathan.”
“You’d think a writer would have more creativity.”
“You’re the one that came up with the names!”
“Remus Robert Lupin. Jesus Christ, Wolf Bob Wolf,” he laughed, a light sound that Remus thought a wood sprite might also make.
Remus meditated for a moment. “You know, you could make Padfoot your middle name.
It’s pretty ridiculous, but then again, so is life. At least it’s you.”
Sirius chuckled. “Sirius Padfoot Black. It has a little something to it, I guess. How did you pick Remus?”
Remus flicked a piece of grass off his page. “I didn’t. My mother did. I chose a name she didn’t like and we had a deal- if she could find a name I liked better, I’d use it. I could see this one meant something to her deeply and I think that made it mean something to me too. Plus, everyone was already calling me Moony and it just seemed…related and right.”
Sirius looked up with a shit-eating grin. “What was your original name pick?”
Remus’ lip twitched. “Nope. Not telling you.”
“Oh, I bet it was bad if your mom fought against it.”
Remus scowled. “It wasn’t bad , it just wasn’t. Good. And wasn’t really me either.”
Sirius eyed him. “I’ll figure it out.”
“Yeah, I’m sure you will,” Remus deadpanned, returning to his notebook. “Did James pass on Lily’s message from Mary, or do I have the honor?”
“Hmm?” Sirius hummed questioningly, tightening a bolt and tossing the wrench back into his open kit.
“Dinner. Friday night. Or, I guess, tomorrow now. You, me, Lily, James, Regulus, Mary. Mary wanted to get to know everyone, I guess. I’m assuming you’re free for date night?”
Sirius looked up quickly at that. “Date night?”
“Yeah,” Remus gave a little huff, eyes still on his notebook. “Mary made a joke about it being a double date.”
“Oh, right.” Sirius’ back was to Remus and he was still as he surveyed his bike. “Yeah, I’m free. For date night. For double date night, even though there’s six people.”
“Right.” Remus wasn’t looking at his notebook anymore. After his chat with Mary, he was paying more attention to the way Sirius treated him. What he said and how. His gifts and his glances. His tension and his attention. Remus knew he could clarify either way right now. He could laugh it off. Or…he could tell Sirius that it was a date. What could it hurt? ( A lot , his brain supplied. You could lose his eyes on you. His leather jacket on your shoulders in the chill. The way he said your name when he came on your hands. ) Remus shook his head. He did not want a date with Sirius. But Sirius had turned to look at Remus in the silence and he couldn’t hide from the tension any longer.
Sirius was sitting, cross-legged, on the ground, dirt climbing up and around the legs of his light wash jeans. Dusty beams of light shot from the window in the corner, illuminating him from the side and making the curls of his black hair seem more cloud-like than usual. His lips seemed magnified on his face, pouty and pink, bowed and curved with a shape all his own, one Remus really had never seen before. Truly, and objectively– no one had lips like Sirius. It was almost a writer’s exercise, coming up with ways in which to describe something so personal and particular as Sirius’ lips; from them, pink seemed to clamber onto his cheeks in a ruddy haze, rife with labor and self-consciousness. His neck stretched tall, baring several moles etched onto his moon pale skin as he raised his chin to look Remus in the eye, catching him staring. This wasn’t the first time. For either of them, in either position. Remus smiled. He couldn’t help it. He’d meant to make a joke, poke fun at Sirius. Tell him his bike was a piece of shit hunk of metal. Ask if he was going to wear a worn leather jacket into the reasonably nice restaurant tomorrow night.
Instead, he couldn’t stop his face from spreading into a grin at the sight of Sirius, sat splayed on the floor like a child, lit from outside and in as he gazed at Remus with a kind of curiosity, the kind that verged on desire. His brain screamed stop stop stop , as Remus shifted from his seat to the floor in front of Sirius, his legs stretched out on either side of his companion. Sirius didn’t seem to notice as his own hands went immediately to Remus’ legs on either side of his, tapping tunelessly on the strips of metal hidden under fabric.
“It’s not a date,” Remus said and Sirius stopped tapping suddenly and stiffly, his face remaining impassive. “But,” continued Remus, “I know everything’s…a lot right now. And if you need someone who’s there on your side, then, well, that’s me. I’m on your side. I’m– there are no sides, I’m not saying that there are, but…I’m yours. On yours. I’m on yours.”
“Mine,” Sirius whispered to himself, his eyes on his own hands, still resting still on Remus’ legs. He looked up, and Remus caught the end of a thought floating behind his eyes. “Thanks. It’ll be nice for you to spend more time with Regulus. I know you were getting along, before. I’d like you guys to be friends. My family and m– and you, Moony.” Remus nodded.
“It’ll be fun,” he said, then watched as Sirius’ upper lip quirked, and his eyes shifted up slightly, his thumb following to press the space between Remus’ eyebrows.
“Relax, Moony,” he said, with a smile. “So tense. It’s just us, my previously dead brother, his ex-boyfriend who’s my best friend, and his current love interest, who’s recent conquest will also be in attendance. It’ll be so chill and easy.” They held eye contact for a moment before they both began to laugh, minutes passing as they continued to howl, holding their stomachs and gasping for air. Sirius is right though, thought Remus, it’ll be a good time.
Notes:
did you really think I'd kill him. be honest.
illustriousday on Chapter 1 Fri 21 Mar 2025 10:03PM UTC
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madefortherain on Chapter 2 Thu 10 Apr 2025 11:49AM UTC
Last Edited Thu 10 Apr 2025 11:49AM UTC
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