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"Stop..." Ram paused, blinking at the unexpected whisper. Subaru's hand was fisted in his shirt, shaking. He wasn't looking at any of them, staring forward at something only he could see. Ram stilled. "Stop asking questions." His voice was firm, but there was a layer of desperation rooted in it that sparked concern inside of her. "Please. Stop asking questions."
The whole room was silent. The only sound was Subaru's short gasps. Ram averted her gaze, locking eyes with Emilia. They weren't used to this. If anything, they were used to his cheery deflection, the smile that even Emilia could tell was fake, but not... this. Subaru's never addressed it like this.
Ram almost wanted to keep going. She was so close, so close, to finding out what Subaru hid underneath that joyful disposition of his. But the pleading tone of his voice made her feel guilty. Should she figure out what was really wrong with him, here and now? There was no better chance than this, with that aggravating mask off for all to see. But...
She closed her eyes, frustrated with her predicament. After a moment longer of consideration, she opened them, her decision made. Beatrice must've seen the look in her eyes, because she instantly stepped up, narrowing her own as she glared.
"Betty would appreciate if you'd listen to her contractor's wishes, in fact." Ram frowned as she detected the concealed hostility in her words. Beatrice wasn't asking, she was demanding.
Clearly, Otto noticed it too, because he quickly intervened.
"Everyone, please calm down. I get where both of you are coming from, but this really isn’t the time or place to argue about it." He had his hands held placatingly, an uneasy but slightly exasperated smile on his face. Ram's frown only deepened.
"Then what were you thinking, Otto?" Her voice hardened without her realizing, "You know that deep down you want answers just as much as me! This has gone on for too long. Barusu is clearly hiding something from us!"
She failed to notice Subaru's flinch.
"I— I can't deny that, but..."
"Stop it, stop, stop, stop!" Ram startled, whipping to face Subaru once again at his sudden yell. His eyes were wide, shining with terror. His hands were clenched in his hair, knuckles white with the pressure. She could only watch as he tugged and tugged, shaking his head before he finally flicked his eyes over to the spirit holding his hand. "I'm sorry— I'm sorry, I can't."
"B-Betty forgives you!" It was always so jarring, seeing a great spirit such as her be so flustered, "Just stop doing.. that, I suppose!"
"No! You don't.. you don't understand."
"Then make us understand." A bell-like voice chimed in. It was just enough to make Subaru freeze, his attention focused solely on her. Emilia tried to smile, but it quickly faltered into a frown. She placed a hand on her chest as she thought about how to continue. "Subaru... I've told you before, haven't I? You can rely on us. If anything is bothering you... talk to us." Emilia shook her head softly, "Every time we try to confront you on any of this, you change the topic, or you just leave the room. We deserve to know. We want to help you. We want to help you like you've helped all of us..." Emilia finally raised her head, making direct eye contact with the boy in question, "So please, tell me the truth. Tell us the truth."
The dining hall was silent as Subaru closed his eyes, looking pained as he considered her words carefully. But Emilia's resolve was firm, and she didn't back down even as he looked away. It was clear to Ram that Emilia was passionate about this, she was intent on getting the answer. The real issue was... how would Subaru respond? The camp watched with bated breath as Subaru finally opened his eyes, his hand dropping to his side.
"...I know." Ram tilted her head at the unexpected response. His voice was nothing close to what it was just moments before. It was grim... resigned, even, as if he was cornered and accepting his fate. "Trust me, I know. It'd be hard to ignore after all this time, after all." A bitter smile grew on his face, "I want to tell you guys. I want to, I really do. I want to scream and shout and cry as I tell you..! But..." His eyes grew dull as the smile slipped off his face, "Believe me when I say... that I can't." Subaru's hand was clenched in his shirt, right over where his heart was. A frustrated expression took over as he looked away.
"Natsuki-san... what exactly do you mean when you say that 'you can't'?"
Subaru didn't answer, his grip tightening against his shirt. And.. if Ram wasn't mistaken.. she swore she saw a hint of fear in his eyes. Suddenly, Ram got the sense that this was more than just Subaru not having the courage to admit it. If only she could figure out what it was. She concentrated hard, trying to think back to all the.. unusual things about Subaru. Which was plenty, in fact. Way more than Ram could count. Especially with that scent that was rumored to follow him.
Ram paused.
Looking back on it, there were many times when Subaru manipulated his scent, or something similar, based on what he claims... and usually, when he did it, he would try to say something before clenching his heart as if he was having a heart attack. She zeroed in on the way Subaru was holding his shirt. There was no doubt about it. It had to be connected in some way.
Subaru seemed to notice her gaze, because he quickly dropped his hand, instead nervously fiddling with the sleeve of his tracksuit.
"I believe it could be possible that..." She trailed off as everyone's gaze turned towards her, feeling uncharacteristically unsure, "That Barusu means it literally. That he physically can't. Almost like... a taboo." Ram's eyes widened at her own words. She was sure the look on her face mirrored Subaru's own. He looked terrified.
"The witches sce— hhk!" She began to murmur under her breath, before a sudden force cut her off, harshly sending her to the floor. Reaching out to push off the person on top of her, she growled, "Barusu," Eyes narrowing as irritation flared up, she continued, "What do you think you're—" or tried to, except that Subaru suddenly covered her mouth. She had half the mind to bite his hand. The only reason she didn't... was because of the look on his face. Her hand stilled before it reached him. Subaru had the eyes of a man after years of war. Ram doesn't think she had ever seen Subaru this... terrified before. He looked like he was staring death in the face. It was only then that Ram noticed that the hand against her mouth was trembling... no.. his whole frame was shaking violently. His eyes focused on her abruptly, and she shivered at his gaze. It felt like he was staring through her, looking at something only he could see.
"Don't ask.. don't try to... just— stop it!"
"Okay," Ram surprised herself with her answer. Why was her voice shaking? It wasn’t in fear for herself. "Okay. I’ll… I’ll stop, okay?" Maybe it was the sheer desperation in his voice. She regarded him as she would a wild animal. Unpredictable. Subaru was clearly not in the right state of mind, he was running on pure fear. Is that why her voice was shaking? Was she scared… for him?
"See? We'll stop, alright? So… so you can... you can calm down now, oh-kay?" Otto flashed a shaky grin, making frantic eye contact with Ram, not knowing what to do.
It was then that Garfiel, who has been uncharacteristically quiet this whole time, finally made a move. Surprisingly silently, he reached out toward Subaru, presumably to pry him off of Ram. She watched as he reached past Otto...
The form above her tensed like a spring ready to snap. Her eyes widened as Subaru's snapped over to the two, something intense and unrecognizable in his gaze as he stared intently. It wasn’t until his weight shifted purposefully, that Ram knew she needed to stop this before Subaru sent himself into a panic attack. Maybe he already was in one. She reached up, stopping his movement. She concentrated her magic, careful to not make it too strong.
“Fura.” In an instant, Subaru went limp, falling to his side beside her as Ram sighed in relief.
“Ram??” Emilia looked at her in shock.
Ram sighed for a different reason this time. “Relax, Emilia-sama. I used just enough force to knock him out, nothing more.”
“Ya didn’t have ta go tha’ far…” Garfiel averted his eyes.
“While Betty disapproves of Ram’s methods,” Beatrice finally spoke up, sending Ram a glare before her gaze fixed on Subaru’s limp form with pity, “He would have worked himself into a greater panic if this continued, in fact.”
It was at that moment that the door opened, revealing two shocked maids and Roswaal himself. Immediately, concern flickered on Frederica’s face, her grip tightening on Petra’s hand. Petra sent an accusing glare at all of them, but it quickly faltered when she noticed the look on all of their faces. Roswaal was the only one who was unaffected.. Instead, he seemed particularly eager. But of course, only Ram seemed to notice that.
“My, my! Whaaat happened hereeee?”
Ram quickly stood up, dusting off her clothes before lowering herself into a bow.
“My apologies, Roswaal-sama. Barusu caused… quite a commotion.” Ram cringed at her hesitation. Usually, she’d have no qualms about sending a jab Subaru’s way.. but at the moment.. it didn’t seem right.
“Is that sooo?” Roswaal simply smiled once more, resting his knowing eyes on Subaru.
“Wha’ do ya know ab’t Cap’n?!”
Ram whipped around to glare at Garfiel, who was looking at Roswaal with narrowed eyes. Anger was shining through them like a flame. After his sudden exclamation, almost everyone turned to look at Roswaal with varying emotions behind their gaze—but none of them were positive. Otto stared at him with a mix of defiance and suspicion in his gaze, Petra with anger, and the rest, like Emilia, had something unreadable defining their expression. Ram frowned at their reactions. She stepped forward to scold Garfiel for speaking to Roswaal in such a way, but said person put a hand on her shoulder to stop her. She looked up at Roswaal in shock. There was something knowing in his gaze, something that Ram couldn’t read.
“Foooorgive me, for it is noooot my place to saaaay.” Otto’s eyes sharpened in response, “It is indeeeeed something Subaru must reveal on his ooown.”
“So you do know what he’s hiding…” It was only muttered, but it was clear that Roswaal heard it just fine. His smile only widened as he turned to Otto, who just stared back, something analytical in his gaze.
The atmosphere was tense, but Ram took the chance to steal a glance at Subaru. There clearly was something wrong with him, something that he didn’t want anyone else knowing. And if that sudden tackle was anything to go off of… Ram was very close to uncovering what it was. The witches scent. That was what she was trying to say. But then… that would imply that Subaru actually does know why he has the witches scent on him, and…
Ram shook her head, a deep frown forming on her face. She does not want to think about what that could mean. Surely, what she was thinking couldn’t be the case? After all, he did play a large part in taking down the Archbishop of Sloth. She would prefer to believe that Subaru wasn’t involved in the witches cult.. but his reaction wouldn’t leave her mind.
"If that is settled, I shall see to it that Subaru-sama has a proper place to rest." Frederica stepped forward, taking advantage of the lapse in conversation. She walked over to Subaru, reaching down to pick him up. She struggled a bit, though, because Beatrice wouldn’t let go. Frederica blinked, seemingly not offended but rather confused.
“Betty will accompany him, I suppose.”
Frederica merely nodded, smiling.
Ram watched the three walk out the doors, a heavy feeling in her heart. Her eyes wandered over to where Subaru used to be. She crossed her arms, eyes narrowing. She was going to get to the bottom of Subaru’s… admittedly concerning behavior. Whether he liked it or not.
Subaru opened his eyes.
It was so unusual to wake up so calm that he had to take a moment to recollect himself. He blinked up at the ceiling, trying to fight the leftover drowsiness to recall what happened. He was… in the dining hall eating breakfast. They were talking, but then—
He sucked in a breath, going tense.
Oh.
“Once again, I see you're indulging in that ridiculous pastime of staring at the ceiling, I suppose.”
Subaru startled at the unexpected — but not unwelcome — voice. Readjusting himself, he lifted his head to see his spirit sitting on a stool by his bed. In her lap sat a book, temporarily abandoned as Beatrice stared at him expectantly.
“Beako?” Inwardly, he was relieved. Out of all the people he could’ve seen after… that, Beatrice was probably the best one for the current situation. Afterall, stuff like this happened all the time between the two of them. He doesn’t know what he’d do if he looked up to see, for example, Ram sitting there. The last thing he wanted was to be woken up and immediately questioned again.
She huffed, “Has Betty’s contractor hit his head so hard that he’s lost his memory, I wonder?” Subaru chuckled at her comment, only somewhat forced, relaxing back into his pillow as he turned to gaze at the ceiling again. “Of course it is Betty. Who else would I be?” This was good. He could tell that she had other things on her mind, but thankfully she was giving Subaru a chance to experience some normalcy again.
“For all I know, I could still be asleep and you’re not even real.” He retorted.
“Your imagination couldn’t portray a Great Spirit such as me with such accuracy, in fact!” Beatrice looked away as if she was annoyed, but Subaru knew that wasn’t in case. In fact, she actually seemed a little relieved, as well. How could he tell? He didn’t really know. Ever since he signed that contract, he’s become more accurate when guessing how she was feeling. He figures it goes both ways.
Subaru grinned at her, dramatically raising a hand to his chest, “Beako! You wound me… do you really underestimate your contractor so much?”
“Hmph. It is nothing but the truth, I suppose.” She raised a hand to her chin as he thought, “However… maybe your imagination is the only thing you have going for you, I suppose..”
Subaru’s grin turned victorious, choosing to ignore the backhanded nature of that compliment, “See—”
“But Betty’s contractor is incredibly weak, in fact!” Beatrice oh-so-rudely interrupted him. She turned to glare at him, but there was something soft in that gaze, “Betty is growing… irritated at constantly having to heal you, I suppose.” Despite her—surprisingly—warm demeanor, her grip on the book tightened.
A pang of guilt hit him before he quickly threw it to the side. Not the time. “Ah, but you wouldn’t just leave me injured, would you?” The teasing lilt to his voice felt forced. He ignored it, though, as he attempted his best ‘puppy-dog’ eyes. Beatrice looked at him with exaggerated disgust, grumbling. Her attention finally returned back to the book in her lap. Was that a flash of regret in her eyes?
“Of course not. Betty isn’t that cruel, I suppose.” Beatrice replied, subdued, before she quickly added, “Ah, but do stop looking at Betty like that. Those nasty eyes of yours don’t mix well with the expression you're making, I suppose.”
“Why does everyone keep saying that?! Are my eyes really that scary??”
“Betty pities you.”
“Man…” Subaru groaned, sighing as their banter came to a halt. Almost immediately, he began to miss it. As long as it continued… then they could keep stalling. They both knew that they were only trying to delay the inevitable. At some point, one of them is going to have to address what happened earlier, and Subaru was steadfast in his determination that he wouldn’t bring it up. The problem? Beatrice had no qualms with confronting Subaru about these types of situations, and she was.. Rather blunt with it, too.
He propped himself up with a sigh, getting into a sitting position. The nervousness was getting to him now. Fiddling with the blanket, he pondered about what Beatrice might ask him, and how he would play it off. Beatrice is going to question him about it, that was unavoidable, especially since this was one of the very few things that he hasn’t told Beatrice. He frowned when he realized… he couldn’t think of a way to play this off. And if he couldn’t dispel their suspicion about that, it’d only bring even more problems that Subaru refused to think about. Just the thought of that brought him a headache.
Then, what could he do?
He always could…
“That’s not an option.” He mumbled unconciously, causing Beatrice to give him a glance. At that, she finally closed the book, setting it down on the desk beside her before hopping off the stool. Subaru’s eyes followed her curiously.
“The others wish to see you, I suppose.”
Subaru’s frown only deepened.
“Tell them they don’t need to worry, I’m fine.”
Emilia would probably be worrying about him too much, fussing over him and asking him for clarification. Knowing her, she’d probably stop if he asked her too, but he knows that the guilt of her not noticing this before would be eating away at her. And Subaru would not allow himself to be the reason for Emilia’s sadness. Plus… he doesn’t know how she’ll react to his connection with the witch. With her being constantly compared to her… he doesn’t want to risk that. And he doesn’t even want to entertain the thought of accidentally telling her about Return by Death. He doesn’t want a repeat of… of that loop. He can’t let that happen. And then there’s always the off chance that Puck finds out along with Emilia…
Subaru shivered. He doesn’t want to think about what Puck will do once he realizes someone directly connected to the Witch of Envy got this close to his daughter.
Otto would probably give him another lecture about trusting his friends more… he just hopes it wouldn’t be as violent as it was last time. Being thrown around by Otto of all people is pretty embarrassing, if he’s being honest… Anyway, Otto would be pretty upset at him after that stunt. If he told him about Return by Death… he honestly doesn’t know how Otto would respond. The same goes for if he told him about his connection to Satella. Otto could be a little unpredictable at times, if he was being honest. Well, it makes sense, he was so unpredictable he wasn’t even in the Book of Wisdom.
Garfiel… well, he didn’t really know much about Garfiel yet. However it was very clear that Garfiel looked up to him. He saw Subaru as an inspiration, as someone who was undefeatable, someone he put his complete faith into. If he ever found out about all of his failed loops… would Garfiel’s faith in him go away, once he realized that his captain wasn’t as amazing as he believed him to be? Would he be disappointed in him? Would he still look at him as someone worthy enough to be called his boss? Subaru doesn’t know. And that scares him.
The same goes for Ram. She'll probably lose all of her respect for him once she realizes that everything she says about him is true. Once she sees how pathetic he really is… she’d be angry that she ever thought of him as anything else. That’s on the off chance that he’s actually right in the fact that she does respect him, even if it’s a bit… it really is hard to tell with her apathetic demeanor. He’s sure that if she still remembered Ram, she’d be disgusted that she ever allowed her sister to be involved with him. Who knows what could happen when she finds out he’s connected to the Witch of Envy. She might just kill him again right then and there.
Petra migh—
“Subaru.”
Subaru jumped, a startled yelp escaping his mouth. “Huh??”
“Stop thinking about such useless thoughts,” Beatrice’s voice was stern, and her stare was unnervingly sharp. Subaru had to suppress a shiver at the intensity of it. “Betty’s Subaru needs to realize that he can trust his friends a little more, I suppose. Everyone in this mansion only wishes the best for you, in fact! Subaru needs to realize that you can put a little more trust in Betty…”
“I do trust you! I do! I ju—”
“Then why won’t you tell Betty?! For what other reason is there other than not trusting me, I suppose?!” Subaru saw the shine of a few tears in her eyes, the way she clenched the hem of her dress, and was stunned into silence. “Betty wants to help! Betty hates watching her contractor suffer while she can’t do anything about it! Why won’t you open up to Betty, I wonder?!”
“Beako…”
“B—Betty is tired of watching her contractor’s self-destructive habits! Betty is tired of watching her contractor suffer! Betty is tired of… tired of just watching, I suppose.” Beatrice sighed, meeting Subaru’s eyes with determination, a complete contrast to the tears spilling down her cheeks. “Let Betty save you like how you saved Betty!”
Subaru couldn’t bring himself to return her gaze. Not after that. Not after that. He looked down at his hands, biting his lip. His hands were shaking. If only she knew. She’s helped Subaru more than she could ever know… even comforting him after his nightmares, every single night. Subaru wasn’t oblivious. He saw the sorrow in her eyes, the frustration every time Subaru shut down her questions about the content of the nightmare. But it wasn’t like he didn’t trust her. He trusted her so, so much. And that was exactly why Subaru couldn’t let himself reveal anything to her. The more comfortable he got with sharing… the more likely that he’d slip up and kill Beatrice in the process.
Subaru didn’t trust himself not to crack under the pressure of their questions. For all it did was make his need, his desire to tell them everything even stronger, And Subaru is scared that he’ll let the urge take over… and then all of their deaths would be his fault. Even if used RBD to fix it, he knows the images would continue to haunt his mind forever. He still can’t forget the emptiness of Emilia’s eyes after he told her about RBD. Never again, he had promised, never. again.
Suddenly, he felt a warm sensation on his lip. He blinked, surprised to find Beatrice right in front of him. She looked even more upset than before, and yet.. She had her hand over Subaru’s face, healing magic streaming from her hand. Instantly, Subaru felt guilty for making her use up her mana for something as small as this. But, before he could open his mouth to apologize, Beatrice just shook her head.
“Hold still. Did you not hear Betty say she was tired of watching your destructive habits?” She shook her head again. Subaru was now much more aware of the taste of iron in his mouth. Once she was finished, Subaru dropped his gaze once again, resisting the urge to bite it again after she just finished healing it. Now right after that spectacle he caused in the dinner hall, he makes Beatrice cry? He truly was so— “Stop thinking useless thoughts!”
“R—Right. I’m sorry, Beako.”
“Betty only wants the best for her contractor, in fact..”
“I know.”
“Then… promise me.”
“Huh?” Subaru blinked. She dropped her usual way of speaking, catching him off guard.
“Promise me, Subaru.” Her voice wavered. When she lifted her head, Subaru could see the intensity of the emotions swirling in her eyes, “Promise me that you’ll let us help you — let Betty help you.. that you won’t let yourself suffer alone!”
Subaru swallowed. Could he promise that? It wasn’t like he didn’t want to. He did, he really did. It was just that… would he truly be letting them help, if he couldn’t tell them the main cause of his torment? He thought back to what Otto said back at the Sanctuary. The passion in his eyes. The honesty in his words. Maybe… he could. Even if he can’t tell them about Return by Death…
“You taught me how to be happy again, I suppose….” Beatrice murmured, head lowered, “So, I want you to feel the same.”
His breath hitched. He stared at her, eyes wide.
For a moment, neither of them spoke.
Then, slowly, a smile grew on Subaru’s face. It wasn’t one of his usual eccentric grins. It was small, warm, and most importantly… it was genuine. He reached over, gently wiping away the tear tracks on her face. The tenderness of the action made her lift her head. He locked eyes with her, trying to convey his sincerity through his eyes.
“I promise.”
And he found that he truly meant it.
Beatrice blinked, lips parting in shock. It was clear that she wasn’t expecting this.
“Then… you will speak to the others, I suppose?”
Subaru grimaced at the thought, “...Maybe tomorrow, Beako.”
Silence fell over the room. Eventually, Subaru reached forward and began to play with Beatrice’s drill hair, pleasantly surprised when she let him with only a huff. Subaru took the chance to preoccupy himself with it, more so as a way to avoid thinking more about the ‘useless thoughts’, as Beatrice called it. He still doesn’t know how she knows exactly when he’s thinking like that. Maybe their intuition for eachother did go both ways. He realized he felt a little more relaxed now. Even the atmosphere of the room seemed to loosen a bit. It was as if a weight got lifted off his shoulders.
Until he felt that unpleasant, yet familiar, feeling of his mana being drained. He looked at Beatrice’s hand, intertwined in his own, and a smile turned incredulous.
“Seriously? Now of all times?”
“You are repaying Betty for healing you, I suppose.”
Ah, so she knew he was guilty about that. He paused for a moment, thinking of a counter, but even he couldn’t find a flaw in that logic. That was the same method Emilia used when she first met him, wasn’t it? So that he wouldn’t feel like he owed her anything. That thought created a warm feeling in his chest, but he couldn’t focus on it too much because—
“This— this.. seems like more t.. than you usually take, Beako.” Why was it so hard to speak? His mouth felt sluggish.
Beatrice’s response? She just stared at him, a smile on her face. Despite his dizziness, he still spotted the mischievous glint in her eyes.
“Betty’s come to the conclusion that her contractor needs some more rest, I suppose.”
“B—Beako! You little…!”
“Shut your mouth and get some rest, in fact.”
Subaru couldn’t really do much about the hand pushing him back down into a lying position, with his limbs feeling as heavy as they were. He attempted to glare at the spirit, but his sudden exhaustion made it hard to keep his eyes open. Briefly, he felt a little irritated at Beatrice’s backhanded trick, but it dissolved quickly when he realized that it was most likely with good-intentions. And probably because he was getting so tired he couldn’t really focus.
“Betty ensured that this sleep will be a peaceful one… so you better be grateful, I suppose. Think of it as a reward, in fact!”
And with that, Subaru sank into the depths of unconsciousness.