Chapter 1: Act One
Chapter Text
The first thing you notice when you come to is how dark it is.
It’s almost like you’ve been put in an ink bottle, actually, with the tiniest glimpses of light peeking through. Fellow stars worm their way into your vision and surround you.
“What will you do now?”
“Will you stay?”
“Will you go home?”
That last one drives a stake of anxiety through your stomach and crawls its way up to the star that beats in your chest. “No,” you whisper.
“What will you do now,” they repeat.
What will you do now? Your voice croaks. “I…want to go someplace else.”
Your fellow stars are quiet for a moment.
“You’re not going home?”
“After you worked so hard?”
You feel yourself shake your head. “I can’t go back. I’ll just be in another time loop to break out of. I need a break, if I can get it.”
A cacophony of voices meld together into something awe-inducing and terrifying. “You wish to rest?”
Your shoulders tense. “I do.”
“Then you know what to do.”
You blink; a darkless tree appears in front of you. It looks like an outline of the Favor Tree. Your Favor Tree. You look at your hands that blend into the background of your surroundings - dark as the night sky with twinkling lights in them. A white leaf rests in your palms.
How cruel and unnecessary, to make you go through all of this again, all for one last wish that would change everything.
You whisper it aloud three times: “I wish to go to a place where my…family, and I, don’t exist.” You fold it up obediently, and blow it towards the tree.
You are afraid of what will happen if you don’t follow the Universe’s rules again. Siffrin gave you enough of a glimpse to scar you for life.
The tree begins to glow bright enough to where you have to cover your eyes, and you fade away once more.
And then you wake up, as if from a deep, restful sleep. The birds chirping tell you that it’s early morning. The sunlight on your face is warm and comforting.
Your body hurts. You emit a groan before opening your eyes.
Of course you’re laying under a giant tree. Are you back in Siffrin’s Dormont? No, no, that can’t be it. You wished to go somewhere where none of you existed.
…was that a good idea?
You ignore the guilt rolling in your stomach as you sit up to look around. The grass beneath you is plush and soft. Your skin is still that starry night sky shade with twinkling dots of light, but you aren’t naked anymore at least. You seem to be wearing a loose dress with long sleeves and an even longer skirt. You almost trip on it when you go to stand up. Your long hair gets-
Hair? Hair!? You have hair again!?
You quickly feel your face. Hair, eyes, lashes, brows, nose, mouth, teeth, tongue, cheeks, ears - you have it all!
But it’s clear that you’re only partially human. You get curious and peek under your clothing. Your chest looks almost the same as before except your star piece now stretches across a pair of small breasts. You have boobs again too?! Stars!
You release your dress with a huff and a pout. You’d quite enjoyed being flat chested, thank you very much. Did the Universe really had to give them back?
You sigh in disappointment and tuck a long strand behind your ear so you can see better. Trees stretch as far as you can see all around you, save for the splashing of water and the quacking of ducks nearby that indicated a lake wasn’t too far off. You spot an array of buildings in the distance next to the water.
Civilization. You cringe, and turn away. You can’t meet anybody right now. You need to get settled first.
You turn and walk a bit farther into the trees to make sure you aren’t seen before pivoting towards the body of water. Boulders and rocks covered in moss break the surface tension. The ducks from earlier are now swimming off into the distance. You count one mother with four ducklings dipping their heads to cool off in the summer heat.
At least, you think it’s summer here. You pull the neck of your dress out repeatedly to fan some air up to your face. Whatever time of year it is, it’s hot and musty. You’re thankful for the shade from the trees above you. You bend over the water, and get a good look at your reflection.
You look very similar to what you did before you became a star, save for the darkness of a starry night covering you up from the neck down. Your hair is much longer, as if catching up to years worth of grow out, to the point of actually dragging on the ground behind you. Your cheeks and jaw are hollowed out. Dark bags line your eyes, dead and alive. You don’t have an eye patch to cover the bad one, but the only real difference is a light fog covering your iris. It still moves. You can’t see out of it, but it still looks normal enough to not scare the local children, to hopefully not scare Bonnie. You’re pretty sure you could even cry out of it. You’re thankful towards Mirabelle for her healing abilities proving useful long-term.
You watch your reflection frown. You don’t want to think about them right now. None of them. You’re supposed to be starting over, remember?
You stand up, and think of what to do next. If this is all going where you think this is going, you’re going to have to go into town eventually for food. And a bathroom.
You shudder. Bodily functions sound disgusting right now.
You walk back into the woods, and feel the grass under your feet. It feels different than the fields of Dormont. A little more soft, but a tad drier. You look at the trees around you. You don’t recognize them as anything you’ve seen before during your travels. Not like you can remember anything before the loops anyways. What climate are you in?
You hope it stays warm long enough for you to find shelter. But where should you go? You don’t think you should see anyone while you look like this. You need to cover your starry skin.
You sigh and pick up a leaf. You sit beneath a tree and lean against the bark. Oddly enough, it also feel different from when you’d sleep under the Favor Tree.
Well, sleep is the wrong term. More like you’d blink a few times, and then Siffrin and his family were off to the House.
His family. Not yours, of course. You could have never properly replaced him. You crush the leaf in your grip at the thought.
Regret and shame washes over you as you unfold your hand. You never should have tried to take their victory in the first place. They won, with your help, and they thanked you profusely for it.
After you put your hands around his neck, of course. Because of course he’d do that!!! He’d always been kind, always been forgiving to a fault, just for a taste of connection!!! And the worst part was that it worked! You’d sobbed in their arms! And now you can’t stop thinking about how you wish you’d just left instead of trying to kill them!
You look at the crumpled leaf and hold it out for the sun to catch. You count how many lines you made in it, how much damage you’ve made yet again. You wonder what it would be like if you did go back. Would you even stay with them, after everything that happened? Could you? Would they even want you anymore, knowing what you’ve done?
Well, you won’t know for awhile. You don’t plan on going back anytime soon.
You press your thumb against the leaf and feel…something. It’s not a tug on your stomach, thank the stars. It’s more of a tingle, like when your feet get numb after sitting in one spot for too long. You lift up your thumb, and-
The lines. Within the cracks of the leaf, there’s one spot in it that’s completely blank. Untouched, almost. You run your thumb over it. What the hell??
…can you do that again?
You press the leaf between your palms and think about fixing it. There’s that tingle again. Your hands feel numb as you open them up. Sure enough, the leaf is no longer bruised.
You couldn’t do this before, as a star. Or could you? You’d never thought to try. What else can you do?
You take the leaf in your hands, and pull it apart. The leaf doesn’t tear. It…stretches. As if it had always been a long, skinny leaf.
Holy blinding shooting stars, just what the hell were you doing!? How were you doing it?? Was this Craft!? It didn’t feel like Craft, or smell like it, and it didn’t leave a weird taste in your mouth either.
Was this just…you?
…ha. Hahahahahah! Oh, you must be going insane~! There’s no way this is real! People can’t bend leaves like it’s clay!
But you’re not a “people” anymore, are you?
…you fiddle with the leaf some more. You manage to stretch it into a square shape. The stem in the middle is all wiggly and uneven, like a pattern in taffy that’s been pulled into an unplanned shape.
The taffy metaphor was becoming more and more factual as you played with the leaf. You had to pinch and squeeze the material to stretch it. The parts that you held were the only parts that were affected; you couldn’t just grab a side and have the whole thing follow your touch.
By the time you’re done, you have a giant, uneven leaf for a blanket. You attempt to wrap it around your shoulders.
You stop when you hear an array of crackling. You quickly look at it again and find breaks and bruises at where it was bent. So, you can’t make things stronger, or change the original material. You can just change the size and shape of whatever you’re working with.
…could you make a house?
The idea takes your heart and squeezes it. It would be hard work, that’s for sure. You have no idea how to build anything, much less a building!
But if you take this idea and run with it, you’re going to have to confirm a few things. You take a piece of bark from the tree behind you, stretch it to be about the size of your head, and turn it to the side. You press your hands together, the plank in between them, and pull them apart while you think of making it thicker, thinner, longer, shorter, whatever you can think of.
You play like this for…a while. Enough for you to grow thirsty, and a little hungry. Your experimentation proved useful enough. You can change the thickness of an object, but it takes more energy than just finding something with that thickness already and stretching it out. You can glue things together, and they stay that way until you press the right spot enough to where it disconnects. You can’t change the material itself. You can’t change how strong or weak it is. All you can do is stretch and bend and pinch, mold like clay, like how Isabeau described Body Craft to you many times during the loops.
Your blood runs cold at the thought of him. You don’t want to think about your friends right now. You don’t want to think about how you made a wish to stay altogether by accident, and how you chose to throw it all away in the end. You don’t even know if you can go back home at all. A part of you wants to. The other part knows better.
You go back to the lake and follow the edge to where it connects to a bubbling stream. You follow it up more to cleaner, moving water, and kneel to cup your hands to take a sip.
You’re parched. Not eating or drinking as a star has taken a toll on your body. You’re weak and tired, and you hurt. Like someone had taken your muscles and individually ripped them out before sewing them back into place. Maybe you can find somewhere away from the town - you’re still pretty close by - to get a better look at your reflection in the water without your dress on.
You start to look around for food after you’ve had your fill of drink. You spot some dark berries, but you don’t recognize them, so you walk away despite the protests in your stomach. Hunger pains nearly double you over when you see a peach tree. You almost run over to pick one and-
No. If you eat it too fast, there will be swift, vomitous consequences. You inhale, and take a bite.
Oh. Oh, thank the Universe that this is the first thing to have blessed your taste buds post-loops. It’s soft and sweet and melts in your mouth. The juice dribbles down your chin as you moan. You can’t remember ever being in such a state of bliss from a meal, much less a snack. Malanga fritters don’t compare at the moment. It’s that good.
You slurp up the spare juice coming from the bite you took, and slowly eat your fill until you’re satisfied.
You were never hungry as a star, but you were starving as a human trapped by Wish Craft. You wonder if your current body is actually a jumble of the two, the latter having caught up to the passage of time that never happened. You were in there for…oh heavens, a lot long than Stardust, that’s for sure. You lost count after around four or five thousand, and if you were doing the math right, then you’re a lot older now. Physically, at least.
You cannot remember the last time you were full. You’re not thirsty, or naked, or in the same blinding cloak and hat you’ve always worn since you were a young teenager. Hell, you’re even in a dress! You ached to wear one again for so long that it felt like a hopeless want, but here you are!
You feel the long grass between your toes, look down, and give a little twirl. The flowing fabric follows, shifting and glittering like stars in the sunlight. You giggle with a grin at the whoozy feeling you get from spinning after awhile, the swish of your skirt making you smile.
Your joy is followed by guilt. You may be safe, and currently warm, but you are still the Universe’s Jester. You’re actually surprised that it let you have this moment of respite from your responsibilities. You miss your friends so much it hurts. And yet you never want to see them again, and you already know how much of a selfish monster that makes you. As if you weren’t one already.
You press a hand to your chest. Inhale, exhale. You turn back in the direction to where you originally awoke.
Time to get to work.
You managed to make two rectangular boards to prop up as shelter by the time the sun begins to set. The people in the town nearby would be going home and having dinner soon. You have to wait until nightfall fully sets and stays that way to enact a recent idea you had.
First of all, you need to see the town itself without being worried about getting caught. That way you won’t be completely lost by the time you do eventually go. Second, you need something other than your current garb to wear. It’s flowy and pretty, but you stick out like a sore thumb. Maybe you could see if there’s some discarded clothes somewhere…? Maybe there’s a tailor in town that dumps their scraps. You could try and make something, maybe a sun dress that looks more normal. Seems easy enough!
You listen to the familiar chirps and rustles of the forest die down and settle in for the night. You peer up at the night sky. Stars slowly peek through the deep shades overtaking your view as the sun fully sets in the distance.
…huh. They look the same as they did back home; big, bright, and enough of them to swallow the sky. You smile. You’re comforted by them, even if their creator massively screwed you over.
You wait a little bit more before standing up and starting to walk towards the town. The sight of cobblestone makes you miss your old heels. You used to love the sound your stride made whenever you went somewhere that would make them click. Being alone and homeless for so long made you appreciate little things like that. Your walk is silent - it has been for awhile now, even in your own loops - as your steps shift from grass to a pattered stone scattered across town.
The night is illuminated by stars and tall poles with odd-looking lamps on them. They’re bright, but not so much as to scare you off. A fountain imitates the sound of the babbling brook you drank from. You wonder if it uses the same water.
You look around at some of the buildings. You can see some signs hanging from a few, but you can’t make out the words in the dark. Must be a different language. You’ll figure it out later.
You try to keep to the shadows as you spot a building with a wooden sign carved with a spindle and needle. A tailor’s maybe? You look around the back and see a large metal box filled with papers, garbage bags, and-
“Fabric scraps!” Your whispers turn into a quiet, excited squeal. Score!
You reach in to take a handful, and freeze. The sound of a dog barking makes you stop dead in your tracks. You look up and ahead towards a set of brick buildings. One of the windows is cracked open, probably to beat the summer heat during the daytime. Sure enough, there’s a - holy stars, it’s massive - black dog barking at you with a rumbling warning.
Something pokes through the holes in your brain where memories should be. Something about black dogs being an omen of misfortune. There’s another interpretation, one that treats it like a guardian of sorts, of it barking at night to scare off ghosts and evil spirits. Neither of them make you feel safe.
You grab a bunch of fabric scraps and hope it’s enough as you scramble away and bolt back to your spot in the woods.
You try to curl up under the pair of wooden planks with a sigh. Your scraps are safely piled beside you, and thankfully don’t smell of garbage. They must have been tossed out earlier that day.
You wish you could say you’re used to sleeping in the grass, but you’re not. You’re not used to sleeping in general, actually. You haven’t properly slept in…in…
Everything that’s happened thus far starts to repeat in your mind. The bed you shared with Isabeau only seemed so comfortable when he was in it to wake you every night like clockwork, even if you stopped sleeping and started blinking after the first hundred or so loops. The memory of the warmth that came from Mirabelle’s hands holding your face still haunts you. Bonnie’s offers of extra snacks always made your fake smile fall, rewarding them with a quiet dose of honesty. Even Odile’s special type of concern made you feel loved.
And you threw it all away, all because you couldn’t figure out how to escape. Because the idea of going back into your own time loop makes you nauseous. Because you don’t want to die anymore. You don’t want to save a country that can’t remember it’s neighboring one. You don’t want to have to relive the same two days again and again and again just for you to forget how to get out in the first place. You’d be back to square one within the first few loops anyways.
Logically, running away from this particular problem might actually be the safest choice for you. Just until you can get settled, mentally and physically, or maybe until you figure out a backup plan that makes sure you remember how to get out.
You yawn. Stars, you’re tired. You notice a lack of cushion in your body in general. You had always been skinny, but this was ridiculous. You recall how your face looked hollowed out in the water, and feel along your ribs.
It’s as you suspected. You were starving to death in those loops. You wonder how you didn’t die of exhaustion sooner.
More yawning overtakes you. Maybe tomorrow you can make a proper pillow. You pull the giant leaf you made earlier over your body, and attempt to sleep for the first time in years.
When you wake up, it’s already late in the afternoon.
You utilize the setting sun to start making your second dress with one of the scraps. It’s lighter in shade, and from the original pattern you determine it was a once fabric covered in flowers. Now it’s all stretched out for you to wrap around yourself and pinch it closed, making it easy for you to disconnect later. You carefully make some straps in the back, and stretch them to the front.
What a weird gift the Universe has given you. It’s proven useful thus far, thankfully. You stretch another piece out to make a ribbon. It feels springier, something you’ve never felt before in a fabric. You get curious and connect the ends to make a little hoop before tying long strands back into a heavy braid.
You take your time exploring the town by the edge of the forest, hoping that whoever sees you just assumes you’re a ghost or a hiker. You still need to cut your hair. And wash it. You need soap, and money, and a job, and good heavens you really threw yourself in the deep end on this one. Where should you start?
Maybe figuring out where you are exactly and making a timeline first is a good idea. You’ve determined that you’re no longer just below the equator like you were in Vaugarde. The ripeness of the peaches and the temperature of the evenings tell you that summer is creeping to its peak in August. The trees remind you of a country above Ka Bue where there were four seasons, but the winters were brutal.
Yeah, you don’t have a lot of time before wet weather hits. Building your dream house might be too much of a feat to overcome by the first snowfall.
So you make it small, then. Focus on necessities only - a bathroom, a fireplace, and a spot to sleep in. Expanding it can always happen later.
You walk back to the river and look for a strong rock to mold into a spade, and another for you to stretch later. You’re actually not sure how you know that a stable foundation is one of the most important parts of building a home, but here you are, getting your hands dirty at the spot you’ve chosen. You thought yesterday that you didn’t know how to do any of this. Maybe you worked construction as one of your odd jobs during your travels? You plot out a large rectangle, and imagine where everything would go. You have no idea how you’d make a bed, or a running bathroom, but you do know that you can build a stone fireplace. You just need a flap and a chain to close it when the weather gets bad.
You’re halfway done with digging out your base when nightfall properly hits. You want to work through the night, but you don’t have the energy. You’re pushing yourself enough as it is now.
You set down your tools, pick a scrap of thicker fabric to make into a towel and a rag, and head to the lake under the cover of darkness.
The water is cold, nearly ice cold. You were right about it snowing here, then; you can see in the moonlight that there’s a cliff side in the distance with a long waterfall. Farther ahead are mountains that are probably lush with life and snow runoff. You wonder if you’d find a hot springs up there somewhere.
You mutter and grumble about missing hot water. At least you had access to a shower in the Clock Tower.
You work quickly. You use your nails to scrub your scalp under the surface of the lake before coming back up and rinsing out your hair. You move your fist in circles across your skin, using the rag you made to hopefully wash off any odorous smells you made during your attempt at working hard.
No, stop. You did work hard today. The dirt under your fingernails is proof enough of that. You’ll just have to finish it up tomorrow.
You quickly get out of the lake, your teeth chattering. Thankfully the fabric you picked for your towel is made of wool; it dries you off quickly in the midsummer evening, and keeps you warm as you wring your hair out and braid it again. An intrusive memory pops in your head of warm hands brushing your hair out with a lullaby being hummed under her breath.
Who’s voice is that? Mom’s? Your sister’s?
…neither. It’s…Mirabelle’s. The memory fades as soon as it focuses in. You don’t smell burnt sugar.
You sigh sadly, pick up the dress you shed, and walk back towards camp in your towel.
The next few days have a similar pattern, extending into another week, then two.
You finish digging out your plot, pat any loose soil down with your feet, and get to work using the stone you picked out to create a stable and flat floor. You’ll eventually have to put down wood panels before winter comes, but it feels nice and cool in the summer heat.
You figure out how to make walls and how to connect them to a ceiling without tipping the whole thing over by reverse-engineering it. You’ve made a water pail, a ladder, and bed frame for you to add a mattress to later over the course of the build. You don’t think you can make a door, yet, so you settle for a back opening hidden by any potential onlookers. You make little holes for windows to let the moonlight in. You even finish up the stone fireplace, but you’ll have to add the flap later. You’ll also have to figure out how to make a slanted roof, but that was another thing that could wait for another month if you were lucky.
You have a different problem, though. You’re pretty sure that you’re getting sick.
It’s not a flu, but there’s definitely a fever there alongside a cough. You nearly passed out on your way to retrieve yet another few peaches and a pail of water from the stream. You’re getting kind of annoyed of them at this point, but you don’t have access to other options and you don’t really have an appetite in general at the moment.
So you’re here, above layers of wool topped with a softer fabric in your makeshift bed, sweating your heart out. You wonder if this is the Craft sickness Siffrin went through during their last run through the House. It wouldn’t surprise you. You’ve been pushing yourself past your limit these past few weeks. A day of rest won’t hurt.
As you look around, you realize that a part of you can’t believe you’re here. You’re not in the time loop. You’re not in Vaugarde. Hell, it’s incredibly likely that you’re not even on your own planet.
You’re somewhere where none of you exist, and you’re ashamed for being comforted by that.
You turn over, sweating through your clothes with fever, and hope that this will pass with a nap and a snack.
But it didn’t, to the point where you even thought about sucking it up and finding a doctor due to your harsh coughing and the stabbing pains that followed after a few more days.
The summer heat was getting worse, and you don’t exactly have a reliable way of cooling off other than soaking rags into a pail of lukewarm water and placing them on your forehead. You wonder if the nightly baths in the cold lake might not be helping your case here. But what else can you do? You don’t have a working bathroom, or a shower. You have very limited options here.
You take a deep breath, in and out, and try to convince your anxiety that whatever this is won’t kill you as you try to nap.
The thunder wakes you up first with a jolt.
You sit up quickly with immediate regret, holding your head in your hands. Its pounding, making the howling wind come into your eardrums between blood pumping up into your brain. You’re barely lucid as you manage to stand up.
The creak in the wood around you snaps you to attention. A flash followed by a loud crack forces your feet to automatically move out the door. You cough, hacking into your arm before you manage to look out and up.
Your instinct to run was correct; a large tree right next to your humble abode was indeed hit by a lightning strike, and has since burst into flames. Whatever kind of tinder it is, it’s spreading fast and it won’t hold for long.
You quickly run inside, and grab what you can - your starry dress, a few scraps of fabric, and your trowel manage to make it into your hands. You leave the rest of your hard work behind, and bolt into town.
Your fast breathing turns into more painful hacking as you try to get away fast enough before more creaking and cracking signals that the burning tree is coming down fast. Your legs burn. Your bare feet ache. A boom and a crunch from behind rattles you and trips you up. You can hear a loud, unending siren pierce your ears, followed by screams and shouts.
Your feet hit the stone of the town center. You’re…still covered in stars. Everyone outside can probably see that you’re very clearly not human. Your coughing only gets worse in a way that feels familiar regarding an incident involving pineapple.
You…can’t breathe.
You can’t breathe you can’t breathe you can’t breathe and you’re on your knees and you can’t breathe you can’t breathe you can’t breathe and you taste blood and you can’t breathe you can’t breathe you can’t breathe and this was such a waste of time and you can’t breathe you can’t breathe you can’t breathe and you should’ve just bit your ego and you can’t breathe you can’t breathe you can’t breathe and you should’ve gone back home and you can’t breathe you can’t breathe you can’t breathe and you’re dying and you can’t breathe you can’t breathe you can’t breathe and you feel a hand on your shoulder and you can’t breathe you can’t breathe you can’t breathe and someone lifts you up and you can’t breathe you can’t breathe you can’t breathe you can’t breathe-
Chapter Text
You wake up.
It’s bright; way too bright for your liking. You squint your eyes shut and focus on the sounds around you instead. You hear quick footsteps and creaking metal and people talking around the corner. An annoying and repetitive beeping noise clues you in to the fact that you’re hooked up to an IV. There’s…something in your nose. You reach up to take it out, and-
“Ah, leave that in!”
Your eyes bolt open before suddenly shutting with a hiss from the light.
You hear them hiss too. “Sorry!” The light behind your eyelids dims. “Is that better?”
You slowly peek them open, and are surprised to see a short woman in a medium shade with dark curls and sharp eyes standing next to what appears to be a little disc on the wall. You quickly glance around. You’re clearly in a hospital, but everything is…different.
There’s a moving picture sounding out your increasing heartbeat with those beeps that keep bothering you. The bags that hold what you assume are saline and nutrients are very much not made from Crafted animal skins. There are no candles, or lamps, or Crafted glass, just long poles of light above you strung in pairs that are presumably controlled by that little circle on the wall. You look down at yourself, and-
Your skin!!! You’re still covered in stars!!! Panic begins to fill you, and-
The door clicks shut. “It’s okay,” the woman reassures. “I’m not here to hurt you, or to kick you out. I just have a few questions.”
You force yourself to inhale, and are given a painful coughing fit instead of air. She hands you a small paper cup of water. You slowly drink from it. “…thank you,” you manage. Your throat creaks like a broken door, unsurprisingly. You haven’t spoken to anyone in weeks.
“You’re welcome,” she says with a calm smile. She still seems to be a little on-edge, but you don’t think you can blame her. “So, my name’s Sonny. I hear you’re new in town?”
You slowly nod.
She takes a seat and pulls out a small…notebook? And with something that seems to be a featherless quill that clicks. “What do you call yourself?”
Your brain isn’t working enough for you to lie. “Loop.”
She stops writing. “Is that what your name has always been?”
You think about Stardust for a little too long. “…yes.”
She nods. “So, our village has a…I’ll call it an integration policy. Yeah. Basically anyone that comes here has to look as human as possible.”
Your eyes widen. “What?”
It’s her turn to look confused. “Human? As in ‘not a deity’?”
“No, I know that, but…” You take another sip. “How are you not freaking out about-” You gesture to your starry body, covered in a hospital gown that someone clearly changed you into and a warm blanket. “-this?”
Sonny blinks at you before something seems to click in her head; she pinches her brow. “Oh you’re new new.” She sighs and lets her hand fall. “Look, I don’t know your situation, and frankly I’m not allowed to directly tell you the details. That’s not my job.”
You raise an eyebrow. “O-kay…?”
“What I can tell you is that you’re safe here, but everyone here has to follow the rules of this place or we get kicked for the sake of maintaining the peace.” She looks rather annoyed by the sound of her own statement. “Which includes looking normal.”
“How do I do that?”
Sonny blinks at you. “Oh. Um…can you not just…?”
You give her a look. “What do you think?”
She sighs. “Okay. Here’s how I do it.” She removes her blazer, revealing a button-up blouse with short sleeves, and walks over to you. Sonny holds out her arm, and exhales. “So. Start with this.”
You look at her arm and try to spot a difference. The only think you gather is that her skin from the elbow down is now a lighter shade. “…is that supposed to tell me something?”
She squints at you. “You can’t see the difference? Are you color-blind, or…?”
You vaguely recall the Ka Buean book in the House that spoke of colors. “That’s…how I assume you’d phrase it, yes. I see in shades of lightless and darkless.”
“Lightless and- oh! Black and white? Okay then…” She holds her arm out to you. “It’s better if you touch it then.”
You hesitate. You look up at her, then down at her arm again, before slowly lifting your hand and gently touching her wrist.
She’s cold. Ice cold. Like marble, or stone. You can even see tiny cracks in her joints. You give a gentle squeeze; it’s like you’re holding a cement pipe!
“How…do you cover that?”
“I think about it. I focus a bit, and then…” Her touch grows warm and fleshy. You let go. “It takes practice. I started by wearing long sleeves and practicing on my hands.”
You look down at the nebula that swirls in your palms, and think about…
The idea alone makes your skin crawl. You wonder if this is how Isabeau would feel if he was told he’d have to go back to being who he was just to belong somewhere, to survive. It’s not the same for you, but you’ve certainly Changed. It’s not permanent, you reassure yourself. You can take it off when you go to bed, are in the shower, or whenever you’re alone.
You think about covering your stars up with your old skin, and watch the ink slowly retreat into your forearm to reveal your human hand covered in old scars from paper cuts and incidents with your dagger.
“Well done!” You look up to see her smiling. “You’re a natural. So, you’re not required to do that while you’re in the hospital since you’re trying to heal up, but I would try to practice it when the doctor comes to see you. And also maybe do that on your hair.”
Your brows bunch. “My hair?”
“It glows. The nurses discovered that last night. Scared the living daylights out of them,” she explains with a chuckle. “Just keep it in mind, alright?”
“Oh…” You take a sip of water. “I’m sorry for scaring them.”
Sonny gives you a more genuine smile. “They’ve seen worse.” She picks up her blazer and puts it back on. “I’m gonna go get the doctor for you so he can tell you the details of your stay here. In the meantime, think of a new name, alright?”
All you can do is nod as you watch her leave your room and close the door behind her.
“So,” Doctor Dillan starts, “Do you know why you’re here?”
You shake your head. He’s tall, built, and reminds you of Isabeau Except Worse paired with a light accent. He looks as if a smile has never touched his lips. Long braids and waves tied back in a low ponytail catch your attention in comparison to the short hair cuts almost everyone else has. He’s clean shaven, and not that old, but definitely older than you are.
The doctor writes something down on what you recognize is a clip-board. “I see…apparently Shaela found you in quite the state last night. Long-term malnourishment with pneumonia is quite the nasty combo. How long have you been sick?”
You try to think. How many times did you see the sun set? Can you even remember? “…maybe a week or so?”
He raises an eyebrow. “Are you sure? You’re exhibiting symptoms of someone that’s been sick for at least three.”
You shrug.
Doctor Dillan sighs. “Did you even think about coming to see us?”
You almost shrink back, but don’t. He may be rumored to be a piece of work with terrible bedside manner, but you can hear the concern in his voice. “I did, but I…didn’t know how people would react.”
“Why does that matter?”
You blink at him. “Uh, it’s not every day someone sees a walking and talking star?”
He tilts his head. “Is that what you’re supposed to be?” He squints. “…huh. Okay, I see it. Shae did mention that your head glows in the dark. Anyways-”
You pretend you’re not a tad offended that it’s not glaringly obvious, but he does have a point. You no longer have a star head. He doesn’t have much to go off of, other than your skin.
“-I’m pretty sure Sonny gave you the run-down. We can stay here if we look and sound human, all that good stuff. We thought you were screwed when we saw the blue lips and nails, but once we gave you some oxygen your body adjusted pretty well."
Oxygen? “Is that what’s in my nose?”
“Correct.” The doctor writes something down. “We also gave you antibiotics and an I.V. for fluids and nutrients. Have you been eating solid foods? Or any food at all?”
“I’ve been surviving on peaches, so yes?”
His eyes widen a little, an amused- oh, so he can smile!- perks up on the side of his lips. “Peaches? Were they perhaps all in one spot?”
“…they were, yes.” You realize very quickly what you’ve probably done all at once. “Those belong to someone, don’t they.”
Doctor Dillan snorts. “You can apologize to Charlie after you’ve been released.”
You groan.
“If it makes you feel better, they’re very forgiving.”
“It does not.”
Holy stars, he’s actually smiling now. “One of the nurses will bring you some lunch. I bet if you ask them nicely, they’ll unhook you so you can shower.”
Your own smirk finally quirks. “Good to know.”
The doctor writes something else down. “Any requests?”
Your eyes widen. When was the last time you got to choose what you ate?
“Don’t get too excited. We’ve got good cooks but we’re kind of limited depending on the ask.”
Your smile softens a bit. You didn’t plan on inconveniencing the cooks any more than you had to anyways. “…something warm, then. Please.”
Doctor Dillan’s eyes meet yours for just a moment, but it’s long enough; something close to pity without the condescending feeling that comes with it touches you. “Coming right up.”
A nice nurse comes in maybe fifteen minutes later and gives you a tray of food before leaving you to it. She told you she’d be back in thirty. The wall clock helps you see the passage of time go by, alleviating any anxiety you have about being stuck again. The lights are still dimmed out, per your request.
And you’re here, staring at your plates.
The food is still steaming and smells fresh; a small bowl of chili sits next to little plates of rice, cornbread, and broccoli salad. A tiny dish of sour cream is plated by some cheese, a handful of kettle chips, and what you think is a tin of mashed avocado. A cup of tea with little ramekins of cream and honey finish your tray off alongside the smallest pair of salt and pepper shakers you’ve ever seen.
Everything looks warm, cozy, and homey. Doctor Dillan must’ve clued in on…the house.
Your house. It was destroyed, wasn’t it? You didn’t see the carnage, but you definitely heard it.
You decide to ignore that you don’t know where you’re going to go after this. For now, at least.
You pick up a cold, metal spoon and stir the chili, watching the steam rise up and out of it. You decide to take your chances and stir in the cheese and the sour cream, and top it with crushed chips before tasting it. You blow on your loaded spoonful, and take a bite.
It’s…bland. There’s no heat to it, to your disappointment, but you also understand that you have to treat your body a little more carefully right now. You add some salt and pepper, mix, and take another. That’s a bit better.
It doesn’t matter either way. It’s warm, and comforting, and it’s more than you asked for.
It takes the sound of the droplets plunking onto the porcelain in your lap for you to realize that you’re crying.
You’ve been given permission to shower.
You let the water run to warm up as you remove your paper hospital gown. You learned the nurse’s name, Kari, and made sure to thank her for the cloth one she brought you, as well as some towels and soap.
It takes you getting under the hot water and nearly moaning at the feeling for you to realize that you don’t know how the shampoo bottle works. Or the conditioner. They’re not made of glass, instead being held by something softer but still pretty solid.
You recall that some corks open easier if you twist and lift them, so you try that method. It works pretty well! You can see grooves in the bottle and the inside of the cap itself where they fit like a puzzle. You put the cap back on and twist it closed, then open it again, giving yourself time to practice the motion. Once you have it down for future use, you take a look at the cap one more time, and…oh! Is that a…? You push a lip with your thumb, and the top half of the cap pops open. You squeeze some shampoo on your hand.
Fascinating!
You set the bottle down and rub your hands together. You hum at the feeling of your fingers in your scalp. Finally, you can feel clean!
You wash your hair thoroughly, rinsing out any smell of the lake that you have on you. You wonder if you’d be allowed to change your sheets after you get dressed. You smile to yourself, humming at your fingers massaging the tension in your scalp. No more sweat baked into your skin, or lake water in your hair, or dirt in your pores!
For now, at least. You still don’t know what you’ll do after you leave the hospital.
But you have hot water right now! And a warm bed, and a full belly, and…and…
No, you can’t ignore it, even as you’re rinsing to apply conditioner. You need a back-up plan. Maybe you can track down Sonny after you get settled-
A coughing fit suddenly hits you and makes your ribs ache. Your abs hurt. It might be a good idea to focus on the here-and-now, actually. You’ve got enough to worry about as it is.
You spit in the drain, and continue to scrub yourself down until the stars dancing on your skin are raw.
For the first time in a very long time, you actually feel clean!
Your curls seem to be behaving from the weight of all of your hair pulling them to be a bit more taught. You brushed them out before somehow wrapping them in a towel and managing to balance it all on your head. Oddly enough, it feels like muscle memory, even though you haven’t had to do it in decades. You cut your hair pretty early on when you originally found yourself in Vaugarde.
Your skin is still hot from the shower water. You wrap another towel around your chest, and rub the mirror clean of any steam obscuring your view. You spot a toothbrush and some toothpaste, and take the time to thoroughly clean your teeth. Maybe you can take them with you when you leave.
You look at yourself in the mirror, and sigh. You still look…rough, for lack of a better term. No wonder Doctor Dillan was so surprised that you hadn’t actually been sick for that long. You look like a reanimated corpse.
You think back to what Sonny said about integrating with the people of this place. She never told you the name of it. You’d have to ask her later.
What…should your name be?
As painful as it sounds, you think about covering up your stars again. You start with your neck this time, letting the shade of your skin slowly trickle down until it-
You gasp. The camouflage retreats. Your breath shakes, and you feel your pulse race.
You slowly put it back on.
It’s…faded. Very much so, actually. But it’s definitely there; evidence of your past transgressions against yourself in an attempt to save time lies bare on your skin in the form of a long scar across your main arteries.
Stardust would’ve never attempted to do this had you not brought up the different ways they could die faster. Of course he’d think of his dagger. You did the same thing.
And the Universe forced you to let them!!! That was the worst part!!! You were so angry at them, at It, for making you obey.
But you managed to stop at some point. You did use your dagger for a long time, but something clicked in your head that maybe, just maybe, you were a little more important than that. That you weren’t disposable. That your family would have to watch you die, every time, and, even if they didn’t remember, that ate at you. With how fast Siffrin deteriorated in comparison to you, you wonder if he now struggles to stop himself from doing it automatically.
You…hope he’s okay. And you hope his family is watching him more closely now.
You rub your hand across your neck. How would you explain it? A surgery, perhaps? What kind? You don’t know.
Tears prick at your eyes. You’re suddenly very glad that you didn’t go straight home. You have no idea if you’d look like this when you got back, but if you did…you shudder at the thought.
You don’t want to imagine the look on Isa’s face at the knowledge of all of the ways you’ve killed yourself. The worst part is if you told him the whole truth - that you don’t want to anymore, that you got it out of your system, that you’re terrified of dying - you don’t think he’d believe you. You wouldn’t blame him, either.
You cover your stars down to your clavicle and work on your shoulders. It takes you a moment to realize that your stars actually do peek through your disguise as white freckles on your shoulders. You notice a dusting of them across your cheeks and over your nose. You don’t recall ever having that. You find them oddly cute!
You smile at yourself in the mirror, and wipe your eyes dry. You let the camouflage retreat, and your muscles relax. Your head wants you to spiral, to blame yourself for everything that happened to you and Siffrin, but…you don’t have the energy. And right now, you’re oddly hopeful for the future.
You take some more time practicing disguising yourself in the mirror, limb by limb, until you feel dry enough to put on your new clothes.
“So? Have you thought of a new name?”
You’re back in bed - with clean sheets!!! Thank you Kari!!! - and wearing the soft cotton night gown provided that reminds you of the one you used to wear to bed in Dormont. The needle is back in your arm, much to your dismay, to help you with nutrient intake through an I.V., and the soft and squishy thing-a-ma-bobber from before is comfortably resting in your nose. “Do you have any suggestions?”
Sonny visibly ponders for a moment. “Well, that depends on who you like to be referred to as.”
You raise an eyebrow. “Like my pronouns?”
“I guess. Closer to your gender.”
You blink. Is there…a word for it? “I, uh…am somewhere in between.”
“Oh, nonbinary?”
“Is that what you call it here? We don’t really have names for it back home.”
It’s her turn to raise an eyebrow. “Really? Can I ask why?”
You shrug. “Depending on where you’re from, it’s pretty normal to not be entirely on one side or the other. You’re just you, y’know?”
A surprised smile graces her face. “Huh! That’s neat. Anyways, back to names. Let’s see…” Sonny thinks aloud. “There’s London, Layne, Leland, Lennon…there’s some more femme ones like Lauren and Leslie…hm…Laine, Lou, Luca-”
You feel yourself snap to attention. “Luca.”
Your voice breaks her out of her trance. “You like that one?”
“Yeah.” You try not to sound too excited. You don’t know why, but Luca feels…right.
Sonny smiles. “Okay, Luca it is. Any ideas for a last name?”
Oh, you almost laugh. “You’re definitely going to have to help me out with that one.”
“You don’t have an old one you can use, or…?”
…it couldn’t hurt to tell her the truth. “I’ve never had one.”
She tilts her head. “Well then, there’s a couple of options. Do you want me to list them like before?”
“Please.”
She lifts a paper up from her clipboard, and flips through them at random. “So I have Pierre, Charles, Marie, Bernard, Nicolas, Durimel, Judith, Martin, Claire, Montella, Selbonne…anything?”
You might as well pick one from the selection given. You know you’re not going to get a lightbulb moment like you just did for your first name. But you’ve never had a last name before! You kind of want to be picky! “Um…I think I like Marie or Martin. Or Montella.”
“So, last names that begin with ‘M’…I can work with that.” She flips to another page. “There's Montout, Marie-Joseph, Moulin, Moutoussamy, Monpierre, Michineau, Manette, Mozar, and Mirre. Anything pop out?”
You think for a moment. “…Monpierre sounds nice.”
“Luca Monpierre it is,” Sonny says simply, and yet it means a lot more to you than you originally thought it would. She writes something down, and looks up to smile at you. “Well then. Welcome to Amonwood, Luca.”
Chapter Text
You’re slowly getting better.
It’s taken almost another week, but you’ve stopped coughing, have enjoyed several steamy showers, and even got a hair cut from someone else that works in the hospital. You don’t think you’ll ever have a pixie cut again, so currently it rests down towards the center of your shoulder blades in long waves. Short, wispy bangs help cover your brows while longer strands frame your face. Feathered layers help take some weight off of it and your curls perk up a bit more. Your neck is already thanking you. Even Doctor Dillan, who you are learning is still a cranky pants but is never mean on purpose, complemented the new look.
“So. Have you thought about it?”
Sonny told you a few days ago that there was an opening in a temporary housing unit that was ready to be cleaned out and signed over to you. All you had to do was say the word.
It feels easy. Too easy. You don’t have a lot of options though.
“Yeah. I…I think I’ll take it. But I don’t know the first thing about having a home! I know I have to pay bills, but I don’t have a job…”
Sonny only smiles. “Don’t worry about paying for rent until you do. That’s one of the perks. The main downside is that it’s only six months.”
“Is that enough time to rebuild my house? Make it into a proper one?”
She blinks at you. “Oh! Are you sure…? Most people who end up here leave by like month four.”
You nod. You think you’ll be staying awhile. “If I change my mind and decide to leave, then you guys can turn it into another place for someone else. But I think I like it here.” And that was the truth. Weeks of people-watching through the trees told you that this town was small and lively with enough foot traffic to keep things interesting. You like the idea of having a place where you belong, especially now that you know the whole not-being-human thing isn’t exactly a secret here.
Sonny writes yet another thing down. “Well, Joel will definitely be happy to hear about that. Something to note, though. The homes we provide come furnished, and you can’t take anything out of them. You’ll have to get your own stuff for when the house is done.”
“Good to know.” You take a long sip of tea. “What are we looking at for discharge paperwork? Any costs I’ll have to pay back.”
“No costs, since it’s an emergency visit and the stay was mandated by E.R. staff.”
Sweet!
“But any visits in the future that aren’t through the E.R. will cost you a small fee.”
“Define small.”
“‘Bout a hundred or so bucks?”
Bucks? “Is that your currency here?”
“We have a couple of kinds, but that’s the main one.”
Your brows furrow. “What about the exchange rate of value?”
“Oh, that’s…not really a thing here?? I don’t know how to explain it. If you give someone a five-dollar bill and a five-dollar coin, it still makes ten bucks.”
“No matter where it’s from on the map.”
“Correct.”
You squint. “…how big is this place?”
“The town? It’s-”
“No.” Something’s not right here. “This planet.”
She blinks at you. “Its…average planet size?”
Yeah okay that was a dumb question. “How many continents.”
Sonny seems to be trying to keep a poker face, but she’s not doing a very good job. “Enough?”
You sigh. “Nevermind. It’s just confusing.”
And yet, despite her avoidance of any direct answers… “Yeah, it can be. You get used to it though.”
You feel your face relax, and nod. “I do have a different question that’s on my mind. Where did you guys put my clothes?”
She seems relieved at the topic change. “Oh, we washed them for you. And your shovel is safe too. Where did you get that, by the way? I don’t think I’ve ever seen one like that before.”
“Oh, I made it.”
It’s her turn to look at you with suspicion. “How?”
“Um. Well.” How do you explain this. “I was given a gift?”
Sonny’s raises an eyebrow. “What kind?”
You gulp. “The makes-things-stretch-and-mold-like-taffy kind?”
She blinks once more. “Well that’s…not the answer I was expecting. Have you always been able to do that?”
“I don’t think so. I discovered it by accident when I first came here-”
Sonny grabs her clipboard and writes another thing down.
“Okay, what’s with the notes? You only write when I talk about myself.”
She suddenly looks like a child that’s been caught with candy. “…they’re just that. Notes about you. I-It’s part of my job.”
You tilt your head. “What’s your job again?”
“I’m a Social Worker. From the Village Hall.”
“And what do you do exactly? Don’t get me wrong, you’ve been awfully helpful, but that job title doesn’t really line up with what’s been going on with me.”
Sonny suddenly sighs. “To be honest with you, the Village already knew you were here. The Log keeps track of everyone that comes in and out, and the Log Keeper spotted a new name.”
Wait…someone spotted a new name in a book??? “That was your first hint that I was here?”
“Well, yeah, but we couldn’t find you anywhere. And we didn’t recognize the name, so we didn’t know who we were looking for.”
“I was in the woods right next to town. Someone could’ve walked a few meters in and found me just fine.”
Sonny’s eyes widened. “You…were in the woods.”
“Uh huh.”
She clicks her pen. “Did you ever get lost?”
You think for a moment, and shake your head. “I don’t recall if I ever did. Everything was pretty easy to find.”
“What did you find?”
You attempt to think back to that first day. “Well, I went looking for food and water. I found a clear stream and bunch of peach trees. Then I went back to the spot I woke up in and started to build.”
“And you built your house with…your gift?”
“Correct. It wasn’t that great. But it was shelter, and it was mine.”
“And what about getting into town? Was that difficult?”
You tilt your head. “I mean, the walk wasn’t far. What are you getting at?”
Sonny clicks her pen closed. “Luca, there’s a lot I can’t tell you, but I will warn you. Not everything here has the ability to look human, and those ones tend to hide in some dark corners. One of those places is the forest.”
Your stomach drops.
“Nine times out of ten, those who enter the woods never come out. And you’re sitting here, casually telling me that you could come and go as you pleased without consequence.”
You blink. “…yep.”
“And you never felt unsafe?”
You shake your head. “It was quite pretty, actually. A surprising amount of wildlife for it being so close to people, but it tended to leave me alone.”
Sonny is looking at you like you’re insane. “You have a concerning lack of self-preservation, you know that?”
Oh don’t you know it! You bark a laugh before slapping a hand over your mouth. “Sorry, sorry,” you manage through a giggle disguised as a cough. “It’s a problem I’m working on.”
She still looks concerned, but at least she’s smiling now. “At least you’re self aware. I do have one more warning for you though.”
“What’s that?”
Sonny makes sure that you two are making direct eye contact, putting down her clipboard and steeling her expression. “You cannot use your powers in public. That’s a one-way ticket out of here. Got it?”
And for a moment, for the first time since you met her, you feel a twinge of fear. “Got it.”
There are two things that surprise you as you walk inside of the available unit the next morning: the home Sonny described to you is indeed a house, not an apartment like you pictured, and said house is pretty small, but not as small as what you originally built.
White panels line the walls save for some black marble on the counter in the kitchen. A sink and a metal box that you recognize as an oven combined with a stove top are scattered between the stone in a way you know will be inconvenient for you. There’s an even bigger box, taller than you are, with two doors and an intimidating factor to it. You’ll have to ask how to use the modern utilities later. A couch that looks stiff and unwelcoming sits in front of a dark coffee table and a bookcase filled with titles that you don’t bother to glance at. Paintings of oblong shapes in different shades sit on one wall and leave the rest of them bare and cold.
You turn the corner to find a simple bedroom that seems just a tad more inviting than the rest of the house. When was the last time you slept in a bed by yourself? That was…Universe, that was a long time ago. Sleeping was not going to be easy for you, was it?
Bookshelves fill the walls more in this room, filled with decorative trinkets and larger tomes that you could easily use as a weapon. Everything looks recently dusted and cleaned. You’ll have to ask how to maintain it, too.
Your brain hurts already.
“So.” Sonny has been watching you survey your only option. “What do you think?”
It’s possibly the most boring house you’ve ever come across. You may see a world of black and white and every shade in between, but that didn’t mean it didn’t have life or personality. There’s so little texture that looking at the walls makes your working eye glaze over. “It’ll serve its purpose. But I’m going to need help on operating some of the…newer equipment.”
She smiles at you. “Your honesty is very refreshing, you know that?”
You shrug. You’re tired of lying to please others, even if it does make you feel like selfish garbage. “I try.”
“So, what do you need help with?”
“Everything.”
That earns you a laugh. “Okay, well. Let’s start with the oven?”
And Sonny takes you throughout the house. You feel bad bombarding her with questions, but she doesn’t seem to mind at all! She shows you what buttons turn on the oven, and how to crank the gas stove properly. She informs you about the gas line throughout the house and what smell to look out for if there’s a leak. She covers something called a washing machine and a dryer, and how to maintain both properly. She also shows you a rotary phone, a device used to call people without Craft! How convenient!
“And I think that’s all I got. Everything else you’ll need is in the cupboards. Emergency kit and cleaning supplies are under the kitchen sink. Clothes, blankets, and towels will be in the closets.” Sonny tosses you the keys; you catch them without a second thought. “Any questions?”
“…where do I get food. Properly.”
“There’s a whole bunch of canned and pickled veggies in the cupboard. There’s also dry goods like flour, rice, all that good stuff. And don’t worry about it being old, I sent someone to clean out the place after we first met. There’s a couple of cook books in the book shelf over there to help you get started.”
You nod, feeling a tad awkward at the feeling of someone refreshing this place just for you.
“While I’m thinking of it, I’ve also printed out a couple of job postings for you since you mentioned that you were looking. They’re in the folder on the counter. Anything else?”
You shake your head, and find yourself fiddling with your braid. “…thank you. For all of your help.”
Sonny gives you a smile that leaves you fuzzy and warm. “Of course.”
And then you’re alone.
You let yourself sit on the angular couch, and find yourself pleasantly surprised at how soft it is. You could nap here, actually! That’s good to note.
You go around the house and feel it out. You flick on a light switch that Sonny showed you earlier that illuminates the living room. You decide that it’s a bit too bright for you, and turn it off. You check the time.
You were discharged from the hospital after you ate lunch, having finished your oxygen therapy and antibiotics without a hitch. The trip to the Village Hall and the completion of the paperwork needed took much longer than you expected to be honest. It was now just past five o’clock. You should start dinner soon.
You see rays of sunlight peeking through the curtains of the windows, and draw them open to let natural light in. You smile to yourself at the sight. Your hospital room had one window that you couldn’t even see out of. You close your eyes, and bask in the sunlight like a house cat for a good few minutes.
This…is good. This is good, right? Finding a place to live, moving on from the past, figuring out who you want to be and what you want to do…these are healthy, normal things.
But stars, the guilt is starting to eat at you. And you can’t just say that you’re fine and move on either. You watched that mentality consume your Stardust.
…you don’t know what to do. For the first time in a really, really long time, you have complete freedom, complete autonomy, complete safety, and…and…
It starts small; your throat starts to close as you choke up. A pathetic whimper leaves you. Your shoulders tense. Your knees buckle. It doesn’t take long for harsh sobs to rip through you. You feel like you’re being torn apart to be reformed into a star all over again.
You stay like that, crying on the floor, for as long as you need. You curl up and try to silence yourself with your hands, but it’s no use.
You expect your brain to start to spiral, to start calling you disgusting and manipulative and cowardly. It never does. It leaves you to bawl in blissful silence.
Your ribs hurt. You’re starting to hyperventilate. You press a hand to your chest and force yourself to inhale, and then exhale. You do that for as long as you need.
The sunlight from the window kisses your skin and weaves through your hair to warm your scalp. You can’t see the sun directly from your window, but you can see the sky and some trees in the distance up a mountainside.
You breathe. You breathe. You breathe.
You sniffle.
…you’re hungry.
You were thankfully wrong about not being able to sleep in your new bed. Sobbing your eyes out and recovering with a quick meal and some tea meant that you were wiped enough to crash hard. You awoke to the feeling of sunlight stroking your face again, which was much nicer in comparison to the harsh overheads of the hospital room.
So depending on where you are in the house, you can see the sun rise and set? Nice!
You stretch out in your clean sheets and soft duvet with a yawn. You don’t think you’ve ever been in a bed this comfortable. You lay there for a good while, letting your body slowly wake up naturally.
You found some caffeinated tea last night while you were looking for chamomile, and were happily surprised to find the fridge stocked with fresh milk, eggs, and plenty of fruits and vegetables. You have the makings for a hearty breakfast! Maybe you can look over those job openings while you eat.
You sit up and rub your eyes. You dug through the closet enough to find a clean nightgown to sleep in, but it’s been untouched otherwise.
You get up, and get to work.
You put on the kettle and go back to your room to open the closet doors and sort through the clothes that don’t fit you. You put on a shirt, then another, and then another until you find the number sizes that fit you consistently. You take a break to brew your tea, then do the same with pants, dresses, and shoes. Sonny did inform you that the underwear and socks in the dresser drawers were brand new, and thankfully they work well enough. You put everything that fits you on one side of the closet and the rest on the other.
Less than a third of the clothing available to you actually fits. You’re not surprised. You’re almost skin and bone.
You decide to change back into your nightgown, enjoying the way it flows and how the sun warms you up in it. You crack a window, whip up some scrambled eggs with blueberries on the side, and open the folder on the counter.
It takes a moment for your brain to catch up to what’s written. Is that…your language? How did Sonny…? You sigh. More questions. You’re getting used to them going unanswered unfortunately.
There’s a couple of places looking for help. You quickly sort out the ones that require a lot of manual labor. Your body isn’t built for that right now. One of them requires a Master’s Degree. You snort, and set that to the side.
You flip over a page for Snips Salon and read over the job description as you pop a blueberry in your mouth. You toss it aside as soon as you read the words five years of experience needed. You skim a few others, but the more you look over them, the more you realize that you’re very much out of your element here.
You’ve never held a job long term. You survived through the kindness of strangers and odd manual labor jobs with favors that paid enough for you to get across country borders. You always wandered too much for you to even consider finding long-term employment. Why did you have to be such a problem child?
You sigh. You didn’t know better, you reassure yourself. And now you do! But you still need to learn how to acclimate yourself to this new world. One that barely has any familiarity to it, including how it doesn’t feel…human.
A side effect of you meddling with Wish Craft to such an intensity was that you were not just a part of the Universe anymore - you were a piece of it, making your gut more sensitive to anything that didn’t fit quite right. Whatever it was, it wasn’t Craft. Craft has tastes and smells to signify it’s being used, but none of those things are haunting your senses. And yet, you feel something. It’s very subtle now, but it was much stronger when you and Sonny danced around the facts of Amonwood together.
You dig through the kitchen drawers and find one of those pens that click. You flip over the job opening that you were looking over, and begin to write-
Oh, that’s smooth. The glide is relaxing to watch, and the ink comes out in a flow that doesn’t scratch or nick the paper. It’s quite nice!
You continue. You scribble your thoughts out and try to connect the dots.
Even with your limited knowledge, you can comfortably confirm a few facts: you’re not the only one here that isn’t human, you’re safe if you “follow the rules”, and whatever is lurking, whatever is working behind the scenes to enforce those rules, it is not something to be trifled with.
It’s a good thing that you’ve dealt with a lot worse, isn’t it?
A knock at the door makes you jump; you shove the pen and paper in the drawer. You peek through the peephole. “…who is it?”
You see a couple, probably middle-aged, on your doorstep. “Maria, and Joel. We’re here to talk about a new house?”
You don’t think you’ve ever gotten dressed faster. You invited the two strangers in after throwing on a robe and put on the kettle again before changing into a loose shirt and some dark jeans.
Wait…stars!!! Your stars!!! The two didn’t flinch at the sight of you, but you still have to practice!!!
You pick out a flowy shirt with long sleeves and little cuffs at the end to hide your arms. You slip on some socks, find the mirror in your private bathroom, and watch yourself as you cover your chest, neck, and hands up with your skin. There, once again, are the white freckles and the scars from before and during the time loops.
You keep your hair down, and come out.
The man, Joel, smiles at you. “Well done.”
“Hm?”
“Your skin. Have you been practicing?”
You freeze up for a moment before slowly nodding. You’re safe here, remember? “While I was in the hospital.”
The other one, who you assume is Maria, gives you a concerned look before glancing towards her husband. “You didn’t tell me they…?”
“They’re new new.”
“Ohhh.”
You pretend like you know what they’re talking about and nod in agreement. You pour everyone tea, and quickly wash and dry some berries to put in a bowl for the table. “So, are you the carpenters?”
“We are,” Maria responds with a smile. She pulls out a notebook from her purse. “We wanted to meet you properly.”
“And to pick your brain a little,” Joel adds with a smirk of his own. You watch him take a blueberry and pop it into his mouth. He hums happily. “Oh, that’s definitely Charlie’s handiwork.”
Charlie’s…? The one you accidentally stole from??? “I found them while I was exploring the house.”
“That makes sense.” Maria pops one in her mouth as well. “They’re very generous to the community. I could see them donating to help you.”
…you already feel like a burden.
“Anyways!” Joel leans forward in his seat, a twinkle in his eye. “What do you want for a home?”
You blink. That was a more loaded question than he intended, you think. “What are my options?”
“Oh, we can do just about anything! Highly depends on the location though.”
You take a berry of your own. “Well, I picked a spot at the edge of the woods before. I don’t know if I’ll stick with it though since a tree fell on it…”
The two share a glance at the mention of the woods, but don’t say anything. “We can clear some of the trees out to use. Can I ask why you picked that spot, though?”
You think about it for a moment, then shrug. “It’s close to where I woke up. It’s quiet, too. Private.”
Maria scribbles something down. “Since we’re already using wood, are we thinking a stain on it for color?” You frown. What did Sonny call it…oh, yeah! “Actually, I’m colorblind.”
“Oh, what kind?”
There was more than one kind? “Um…all of it? I see in black and white and the shades in between.”
Joel smiles to himself. “Interesting. So you’re more focused on texture then?”
You nod. “I know for sure I don’t like…whatever this is.” You refer to the room around you with a hand.
Maria snorts with a grin. “Oh, we are definitely going to get along then.”
“She’s a maximalist,” her husband explains with an unserious eye roll. “So, we’ll play with texture then. Any major nonnegotiables?”
You recall the sound of your home being destroyed. “…weather resistant. I…don’t want an act two of what happened last time.”
Joel simply nods, and continues to write. “Sturdy and reliable. We can do a brick structure with metal sheeting.”
You nod. “That sounds good.”
Maria takes a sip of tea. “Any other preferences?”
You take a moment to ponder. “Well…I like the idea of big windows. I understand if we can’t do that for safety reasons though.”
“We can do that,” Joel reassures with ease. “What else?”
“…a small porch?”
Maria smiles at you. “How many bedrooms are you thinking?”
“Just one. It’ll just be me.”
“Are you sure? No office space, or…?”
You try to imagine yourself using a project space, and…okay, yeah, you see it. You’re crafty enough. “I can see an office space.”
Joel starts to sketch. “…can I ask you something?”
“Mhm.”
“What homes did you live in before? Do you have any preferences that you could draw from that?”
You stop yourself from flinching. “…I’ve never lived in a house before.”
You know what’s coming next - the pitiful looks, the melancholic smiles of someone trying to make light of a terrible situation, and the awkward laughs that always followed. But instead of what’s expected, Joel simply smiles after a heavy silence. “All the more reason to make sure we build what you want, then.”
You…could actually cry at that. How many times had you endured empty condolences? Or stares that told you that someone thought of you as a child instead of a grown up? Even your party condescended you for your memory issues and your obsession with the stars. You can’t remember a single time where you have been consistently treated like an adult that was full of knowledge and worthy of respect.
Had it always been that bad? “Luca?”
The new name brings you back to reality. “Sorry,” you quickly respond. “Just…wasn’t expecting that answer.”
Maria gives you a gentle look that warms the star that beats in your chest. “It’s okay. We know what it’s like.”
And, for just a moment, you don’t feel so alone in this strange world full of secrets.
Chapter Text
It’s almost dinner time by the time you start to stroll about the town.
You almost changed clothes due to the heat of the summer, but you found it survivable as long as you found shade every now and then and relied on a long canteen with a handle you found, something that Maria referred to as a “travel mug”, filled with ice water. You look around the town square - more like a circle actually - with the fountain in the center. You see a florist shop, a tailor’s, and a boutique with nice clothes displayed in the window. You approach them, your eyes catching on a particular pair of shoes worn by a mannequin.
Lightless velvet encased a boot with a skinny heel, a pointed toe, and a lip that stopped a few centimeters below the calf. You glance at the price, and cringe. One day, you think. One day, you’ll take those home.
You keep walking, and try to not think about how unprepared you are for all of this.
You come across a brick building with a lamp in front of it and a hanging sign that reads...Patty’s Pages. It takes you a few blinks for your brain to be able to read it for some reason. A bookstore? Maybe there’s a book on how to get a job! It couldn’t hurt to see if there’s one in a language you know in here.
You walk inside, listening to a bell ring in response as the door opens and closes behind you. You make sure the lid of your canteen is sealed shut before strolling in deeper. Every wall in the building is full of shelves crowded with books. Every aisle has one rolling ladder that sits at the end, far enough out to where you could trip on it. Different genres are all mixed together. Nothing is alphabetized. There are even stacks of tomes on the floor in the corners.
It is the most organized mess you’ve ever seen. You hate it~!
“Hello,” a friendly voice calls out past the mess. “Welcome in!”
You turn the corner and come face-to-face with an older woman; white curls are tight, almost flat, on her scalp as she adjusts round glasses. You see crows feet and bunny lines pronounced behind them as she smiles at you. You would probably guess incorrectly on where she’s from, but she looks the closest to Ka Buean. You try to smile back. “Hi. I’m looking for a…” What are you looking for exactly? “I guess a book on how to get a job???”
She chuckles. “You’re new, right?”
Why does everyone here know who you are!!! “Yeah. I’m Loo-Luca.” Whoops. You almost slipped up there.
If she noticed, she doesn’t point it out. “I’m Patricia. I hope us locals aren’t bothering you too much. We just don’t get new people that often.”
Your smile is genuine this time. “Nah, everyone’s been really nice so far.”
“Good, good. So, a book on how to get a job. That’s your next step?”
You nod. “I got settled in a house yesterday while my old one is getting rebuilt.”
Patricia’s eyes light up a little. “Oh, you’re planning on staying then?”
“For the time being. I certainly don’t have any plans to go anywhere else!”
She grins. “Well then. I believe there’s a few books on how to get started somewhere around here. I’d try towards that back corner, third shelf from the top I believe. That’s where I last saw one related to job-searching.”
You thank her for her help and leave her desk to search through the chaos. She was right though. It takes you rolling a ladder over to reach the higher shelf, but you do find a…um…
Wait. Wait a blinding minute.
You…you know that it is physically impossible for all of these books to be written in your home language. But here you are, watching words in characters that you don’t recognize jumble and shift into something you can read.
First you wake up in an apparently super dangerous forest with a new power and almost die of pneumonia, then you’re informed that most people here aren’t human but the ones that aren’t have to hide for reasons that Sonny won’t tell you, and now words on things you look at can translate themselves.
This place is insane! Everything here is insane!
“Luca?”
You forgot to breathe. You force an inhale. “Yes?”
You didn’t hear Patricia approach you. She’s holding the ladder’s handle. “You started shaking. Everything alright?”
You blink, and exhale. “…yeah. Sorry. I don’t do well with heights.”
“Oh! I could’ve gotten it for you.”
“It’s fine,” you reassure, looking back towards the book case and find one that’s titled Job Hunting for Dummies. You grab it and make your way down the ladder with Patricia hanging onto it for you. “Thank you.”
“Of course. If it’s not what you’re looking for, then come find me. I can put it back for you so you don’t have to deal with the ladder again.”
“Are you sure?”
“Of course. I’m very used to them.”
You don’t know why, but her kindness doesn’t make you feel like a burden. “…okay. Thank you.”
Patricia gives you a gentle smile. “I’ll leave you to it then! Call me if you need anything.”
You watch her turn and walk away before opening the book in front of you. You find a hidden corner, and start to skim.
The more you read, the more you realize that your lack of experience is a massive problem. You look over soft and hard skills, different types of jobs, long-term versus short-term, and more. Your eye catches on something called a temporary job.
You get an idea.
Clearly you need to speed-run getting soft skills for any job in general. What’s stopping you from getting multiple, short-term ones over the course of the next year? Maybe a job per month? That way you can have multiple opportunities to gain certain skills in different industries. Plus, you’ve always been a jack-of-all-trades. When you can remember your trades, that is.
You look around at the messy bookstore around you…maybe you can start here?
You mentally prepare a speech and find Patricia at the check-out desk. “Hi again!”
“You decided you want that one?”
“Actually, I have a proposal. If you’re willing to hear me out.”
Patricia eyes the book before looking back up at you with a smirk. “Go on.”
“So, before I came here, I was in a…let’s call it a unique situation where I was unable to keep a job for very long. So I need a way to develop ‘soft skills’ quickly and efficiently.”
She’s still smiling at you. “O-kay. And how does that involve me?”
You inhale. “First of all, I understand if it is a no. You met me maybe ten minutes ago, and I have no applicable experience.”
Patricia raises an eyebrow. “Alright. What are you suggesting, then?”
You exhale. “I’d like to work here for a month. I’d need to be paid due to my current situation. And in exchange, I will take care of the organization of your bookshelves.”
Her smile falls, her eyes widening a little. Clearly that is not what she was expecting you to say! “Oh, that…” She glances at the walls of books stacked haphazardly. “I couldn’t ask you to do that.”
“I’m willing if it’s paid.” Your brain is already picturing the many ways you could section and alphabetize this place. “I can give you time to think about it, but I’d like an answer by Monday.” Today was Friday. That would be enough time for her, right?
Patricia…blinks. “You’re serious about this.”
“Very.”
You watch her mull it over. “…okay. I’ll think about it. Come back Monday when you can and I’ll give you my answer.”
You!!! Can work with that!!! You try to hide your excitement. “Okay! I’ll be back then.” You set aside the job hunting book. “Thank you for your time!”
“Of course.” Her smile is back. “I’ll see you then, Luca.”
The weekend came and went without much circumstance, save for the one time late at night where you went out to the dumpster of the tailor shop to hunt down any scraps you could use to make something cute. You spent your time looking over the cookbooks Sonny pointed out to you, occasionally making anything you found interesting, and organizing the books in your house as practice. You teach yourself how to hunt down the genre of a novel and how to alphabetize based on the authors last name. There’s a hefty amount of nonfiction on your shelves that you’d love to donate, but alas. Sonny made it very clear that nothing in this house would be yours forever. You’ve since moved them to lower bookshelves where you don’t have to look at them.
You eventually do pick up a shorter novel to read. If you’re going to shoot your shot at a bookstore, then you might as well see if you actually like reading or not.
And it turns out you do! It’s a mystery involving a female detective that you could’ve ingested easily in your late childhood, but it keeps your attention enough that you’re surprised it’s well past dinner time when you glance up at the clock after a hundred or so pages.
You continue to read during and after you eat, only breaking to shower and get ready for bed. You end up finishing the book in the lamplight by midnight.
Your eyes hurt, and you can’t stop yawning, but you’re smiling anyways. Yes, it was pretty clear that it was a kids book, but you still had fun. You can’t remember the last time you got to be a kid.
…have you ever gotten to be a kid? You don’t think so, not to your memory at least.
You think of the female detective, riddled with teenage and adult responsibilities, and wonder what it’s like to have a happy conclusion to the end of your story.
When you walk into the bookstore after lunch the next day…saying you waltzed into chaos was an understatement.
Large boxes are stacked in front of, on top of, and behind the check-out desk in a way that make you worry that Patricia will trip on them. She’s currently digging through one on the floor, pulling out books and setting them aside to shelve later.
“Miss Patricia?”
Her head shoots up. “Oh, hello Luca!”
“Hi! Whatchya got there?”
She turns to look at all of the disorder around her. “Um…a disaster?”
Her tone makes you laugh as you approach the desk. “So what’s your goal, exactly?”
Patricia sighs. “Well, I’m trying to get these unloaded and shelved before I close, but I know that isn’t happening.”
You set down your water bottle, and peek inside the one she’s currently on. “Do they just go anywhere?”
“Some of them are pre-orders from clients, some are general orders, and some are restock. Thankfully I’ve already set aside the former.”
“…so, they go anywhere.”
She laughs. “Pretty much!”
You pick up a book, and look around the book store. “There isn’t a lot of space to put these…is that why they end up on the floor?”
“Unfortunately. One day I’ll have a better system.”
You snort. “How about I go see if I can make some room?” And you walk off before she can answer.
You look around, and- aha! There’s some space at the very top of the bookcase on the wall farthest from the front door. If you can move those middle books up higher…
You get to work. You silently grab any books that will fit in your hands and move up and down the ladder to prop them on the very top shelf. You’d take care of this mess later anyways, if you got the chance.
You’re almost done by the time Patricia catches up to you. “…I thought you were afraid of heights.”
You freeze, and sigh. “Yeah, I…I lied,” you admit shamefully. “It’s going to sound insane, but I saw the letters move and I…”
She seems to immediately clock in on what you’re talking about. “Ah. Caught you off-guard?”
You nod. “I’m perfectly fine with heights.”
“Well that’s good.” Patricia drags over a box and starts handing you books. “You know I haven’t hired you yet, right?”
You begin to shelve them. “I know.”
“So, why help?”
“…if I may be completely honest madame?”
“Always.”
You take another book from her hand. “I’ve been sicker than a dog, stuck in a hospital bed, and alone in my house for over two weeks now. I’m super restless and bored as hell~!”
That earns you a cackle. “Sounds like you need employment for more than one reason!”
“Very much so.”
It takes a few moments for Patricia to come down from her laughter, but when she does, the look in her eye tells you all you need to know. “Okay. I’ll take you on. You said you can reorganize everything in one month?”
“I can.” You can do it in less than that, but you intend on learning more than how to fix this poor woman’s chronic inability to assemble a good book display. “When do I start?”
She looks at the chaos of her own creation, then back at you. “Does now work? Just long enough to get everything put away. I don’t want you to overwork on potentially an empty stomach.”
You smile at her consideration. “I ate like twenty minutes ago. You get me until dinner.”
Patricia seems to light up at that. “Perfect!”
The two of you spend the rest of the day putting everything on the shelves and going over the massive binder of book titles that Patricia keeps with occasional customer service breaks. You watch her interact with customers, young and old, while somehow managing to find all of the books they were looking for. You have to admit it; her mayhem may be driving you up the wall, but there is enough structure for her to find almost every book requested of her.
You two are either going to get along like a house on fire, or drive each other crazy, and there’s going to be no in between.
The store is already closed by the time you get to work plotting where each section is going to be. The pencil you’re given is quick and light as you whip it across the pad of paper you borrowed from Pat. “So do you have an idea of what you want your layout to look like?”
“Not really. Any thoughts right out the bat?”
“What are your best sellers?”
She takes a moment to ponder. “Well, I have a lot of romance and mystery readers. Lots of fiction-based customers, save for a rare few.”
“Then we put those ones near the back.” You scribble some writing down in…in…
In your language. You slow down. The language of the stars, lines and dots that remind you of constellations, spell out letters and words from your fingers for the first time since…ever. You smile to yourself.
“That way people see more of other stuff as they walk through.”
Patricia smiles too. “Smart. You sure you’re not a sales-person?”
You snort. “Positive. I don’t know if it’ll help or not, but I’ve seen other businesses do it in the past.” You can’t think of any specific instances where it happened to you - thanks to your garbage memory, you’re nearly unable to clearly recall anything before the loops~! - but it sounds right, doesn’t it?
“That makes sense to me.” She looks at the clock. “It’s getting late, so I’ll tell you what. I’ll have you come in during the morning so I can train you on how we really operate, and after you’re comfortable with being here by yourself, I can shift your schedule around for you to work after hours so you can focus on shifting all the books around.”
You think about it for about five seconds before realizing that her plan doesn’t exactly align with yours. “What length of a shift are you thinking?”
“…may I have that paper and pencil?”
You pass them over and watch her fold a new page; her scribbles look more haphazard than yours. It takes you a moment or two to realize that she’s calculating. “Right now I can have you in part-time. Does six hours for four days sound good?”
You don’t know, so you nod. “What if I did half of the shift while the store was open and half while it was closed? So I can see if my progress is working and I can adjust accordingly.” And so you can get some people skills instead of watching them like some stalker.
She nods without looking up. “That can be arranged.”
So for the next few days, you go in right as the store opens and leave about two hours before it closes. You learn how to clean the reading couches and chairs and what vendors Patricia uses to buy from. You go over the paper Wish List where people can write down what books they want to see on the shelves. You absorb what events are on what days, like how Book Club is on Wednesdays at three and Game Night is Tuesdays during the last hour before closing time, and how to prep for them appropriately.
You’ve also been learning how to cook and clean, taking the time to maintain the little home you’ve been allowed to borrow over the weekend. You’re also teaching yourself how to properly pack a lunch for work and how to prep for dinner that night so you’re not scrambling to chop vegetables when you’re already starving.
It’s only been maybe a week and a half since you’ve left the hospital, but you’re hopeful. Pat said you’d be paid by this upcoming Thursday and recommended that you go see the local Farmer’s market for more food. You’ve called Sonny and told her how much you’re working so that she can start calculating rent for you. Patricia also kindly donated a calendar for you to keep track of the days and your shifts since they seem to blur together.
Which is part of why you’ve been standing here for the past few minutes, staring at its spot on the fridge. You start your second Monday of work tomorrow; it’s also September first, your “birthday”.
You’d always associated that day positively. Even if it wasn’t really yours, even if it was just a random day you picked out along with your name, it was still a good day. One was a solid number representing new beginnings and individuality. September was the month of renewal. It seemed to fit. You just wish…you want to know how old you really are.
You grab that nice pen that’s slowly becoming your favorite, and math it out on the back of a piece of paper. You averaged your loops to be about a quarter of a day long, not having the privilege to be able to skip ahead and jump around like Stardust could with your help. Somehow, somehow, you still know how to do long division enough that you piece together that you’ve been in the time loop for about fifteen thousand loops, and that maths out to…to about…
You nearly drop your pen. You were stuck there for a decade!? No wonder you almost killed Siffrin!!!
You sigh, and write a little crown on September first. You were anywhere from thirty-five to thirty-nine years old, given you guess that you were in your mid-to-late twenties when you got stuck. It’s less of a surprise that your current peers would take you more seriously now; you probably look the part since you aged up. Maybe you could make a little cake, or a dinner that you know you like? You don’t have the makings for malanga fritters, but maybe there’s something else…
You pick up the cook book you’ve been following and try to find something that looks familiar. You come across a recipe for accras, which sounds familiar enough to you to try it. You’re thankful that there’s a slab of frozen fish steaks in the freezer for you to take out and thaw while you prepare the filling.
You spend the night prepping dinner for the next day, and hope that this happy little bubble you’ve created doesn’t suddenly burst.
But of course it does! Because the Universe hates you-!!!
You arrived at work right as Patricia was flipping the door sign to say Open. You two have a good routine going so far. You often find yourself dusting and sweeping to keep the place clean while alphabetizing anything on the shelves that compulse you to do so. You keep it to a minimum around customers though. You don’t want to seem rude.
Patricia is showing you the till when it happens. The ding of the doorbell catches your attention just enough for you to lift your head to greet whoever had just walked in. Instead, you freeze.
Everything about him is different, save for his eyes. The lighter side between light and dark cascades past his shoulders in a short ponytail, complementing a darkless shade at the crown of his head in a fluff of bangs with darker eyebrows and a growing scruff on his chin. A black zip-up hoodie with rolled up sleeves and splashes of something powdery on the front show off strong arms holding a portable coffee cup and a warm croissant in a napkin.
When you made your wish, you are certain, very certain in fact, that you wished to go somewhere where you and your party don’t exist; and yet, Isabeau is standing in front of you.
Time seems to slow when you lock eyes. You’re pretty sure you’re mirroring the expression on his face right now. You wonder if he’s just as shocked to see you.
“Oh, Robert!” Patricia’s voice breaks through the heavy silence. “How is…everything…?”
He blinks, and sets the items on the counter. “Excuse me, Miss Pat.”
And then you watch him run, just short of bolting out the door, leaving behind the smell of burnt sugar.
Chapter Text
You can’t breathe.
You got through the work day in a haze. You weren’t able to explain to Patricia why you both reacted the way you did; you don’t really know, to be honest. All you figured out was that when he left, you excused yourself to the restroom and dry heaved while trying to stop yourself from going into shock.
You managed to get home without running the whole way there. You did lock the door behind you though, and all of the windows. And now you’re sitting in your bathtub, fully clothed save for your shoes, crying your eyes out.
It was too good to be true, wasn’t it? You coming here, feeling safe, settling down, having a home and a job and a blinding bed to sleep in was too much wasn’t it!!! It had to even out eventually!!!
…you still can’t breathe.
You debate turning on the shower. You already know you’re skipping your birthday dinner, having thrown the thawed fish steaks in the fridge for another day. You can’t stomach the idea of a meal right now. You slowly strip off your clothes, and toss them aside. You keep your seat in the tub as you let the water warm up in the faucet before flicking the metal switch to reroute the hot water up and out of the shower spout.
Your sobbing slows down. The warmth envelopes you like a hug.
You miss being hugged. You’ve never been hugged. You’ve never been touched.
Because you’re just that disgusting.
You sniffle. You blow your nose in your hands and rinse them off, grimacing at the amount of snot you’ve accumulated. You’ve never been a pretty crier. At least you’re currently a warm one.
You carefully stand up and slowly start to wash your hair. You massage circles into your scalp and try to soothe yourself as much as possible through your own touches. You’re able to think a little more clearly by the time you’ve started to scrub your body wash onto your starry skin.
Patricia called him “Robert”. That must be his version of “Luca” then. And she spoke like she’d seen him often. Did he come every Monday morning? Is that how you missed him before, since you came in last week during lunchtime? You’d have to figure out how to get answers from Patricia without her unleashing an avalanche of questions that you couldn’t answer. Why was he even here in the first place? Did he make the same wish you did?
…was he like you? Trapped in an endless hell and given one last permanent change prior to being forced to help a version of you that you didn’t even recognize anymore? You hope it’s something else, something much more mundane and stupid, but your gut knows the truth.
You rinse your hair of conditioner and turn off the faucet. You can’t see the clock face due to the steam in the bathroom, but you’re pretty sure you’ve been in here crying for an hour or so. You got off work at three-ish, so it’s maybe four-thirty at the latest. You wring out your locks, wrap a towel around your chest, and go to the kitchen to see if you can make something simple for dinner later.
You don’t make anything fancy for your birthday as expected, but you do attempt a decent batch of peanut butter cookies while you whip up an egg-veggie-scramble. You recall the chocolate chip ones Isa always went for when everyone snacked in the House; you don’t think you could stomach those yet.
You’re finishing your dinner when the phone rings and causes you to nearly jump out of your skin.
You…watch it ring for a moment. Sonny taught you how to operate it, but what are you supposed to say when you answer it? How do you normally start a conversation???
Panic runs through you as you pick up the handle and hold the receiver to your ear. “H-Hello?”
“Hi, this is Patricia. Is this Luca?”
Oh! “This is!” You glance at the clock. The store’s been closed for awhile now… “How are you, ma’am?”
“I’m alright,” you hear her chuckle. You’ve noticed that sometimes you catch her off-guard with your manners. “I just wanted to check in on you after today. You seemed to be very out of it since Robert came in.”
You freeze up. What do you say? What can you say? “I…” You struggle to think. “I don’t…know how to explain it to you.”
She hums in thought. “Well I can’t help you there. How about I ask you some simple questions? If you don’t mind me asking, that is.”
You do mind a little to be honest, but you also know that you shouldn’t bottle this up. “I’ll tell you if we get too personal.”
“Perfect. How long have you known Robert?”
“I just met him today,” you reply honestly, “but he reminded me of someone I knew very well.” As well as you could know an actor, at least. “Does he come in often?”
“He works for my husband at the bakery. He sends a baker every week to deliver me coffee and a treat every Monday.”
You smile. “That’s very lovely of him.”
“It is! Robert’s been working for him for about a year now. It’s a quiet one. Quite sensible, and very responsible, if not a little too blunt for its own good. Clyde’s mentioned that he needs to loosen up once or twice, but he seems to work well with the others.”
A baker? Quiet? Blunt? You almost laugh. That’s…not the Isabeau you know. “…sorry, ‘it’?”
“Oh, my apologies. It/they/he. It took us a bit to get used to it, but they seem to appreciate the effort.”
You blink, but you’re not that surprised. Isa always said that he wasn’t done Changing. “That’s good to know.”
“Indeed. So, Robert’s a stranger to you, but it reminded you of someone you were once close with, and that set something off.”
You feel your shoulders hunch. “Yes.”
Patricia takes a pause; her voice is a tad more gentle when she speaks again. “Do I need to make sure you’re not around when he comes in?”
“N-No!” It comes out quicker than you would have liked. Shoot, backtrack, backtrack, backtrack!!! “I mean, he…it caught me off guard. I’ll be better prepared next week.”
“Are you sure? I can send you on errands around the same time.”
“Is that code for ‘hide me in the broom closet until it leaves’?”
“Ha! I would never. But seriously, are you sure you’re okay with it being around you? Neither one of you seemed to react well around the other.”
You sigh. “I’ll get used to them. Just like they’ll get used to me.”
“And you’re sure you’re alright after today?”
You smile to yourself. “Yeah. I made cookies. I think I’m going to bed early tonight though.”
“Preach. It’s been a long day.”
“…thank you, by the way. For checking in.”
You can practically feel her warmth through the phone. “Of course. I’ll see you tomorrow?”
You wake up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat.
You had a nightmare; the first nightmare you’ve had since you were using Tears to kill yourself. Your sleeps as a star were dreamless, a way to pass the time, but now that you’re semi-human again, you’ve been having some wacky ones. All of them were unique.
This was the first one that made you scream.
You were in front of the Favor Tree, looking at Stardust sitting in your spot. “Are you having fun?”
He looked as angry as you felt when he originally won.
“You know, your real family is still waiting for you.”
You try to speak, but you can’t.
They stand up. “They’re still in Dormont, still in the House, still eternally trapped because you’re still a blinding coward!”
You try to breathe.
“You haven’t learned a thing, have you? Or did you forget it all already!?”
“SHUT UP!”
Siffrin obeys, jumping on top of you to send you both tumbling down. The creek next to the peach orchard appears around you as your head is submerged, pinned underneath the surface by your neck.
You blink, and you’re not looking at Siffrin anymore; you see your face. Even through the ripples of the water, you can see how your eyes are full of rage.
The sound of your neck snapping brings you to the surface, panting in a quiet room dimly lit by the moon.
The following week comes and goes with more nightmares until you get to Saturday morning.
Patricia gave you your paycheck in paper bills neatly tucked into an envelope two days before, which made the walk home oddly nerve-wracking. You’d always been protective of sentimental items, but never cash. In the past, it wouldn’t have changed much if you did or didn’t have any on you. You could always go find a one-day job or fulfill a request for a meal in return.
But now you had something to lose.
You’d already told Sonny that you would be able to start paying rent at the end of the month; you don’t want to have to call her to tell her that you lost the money, or, worse, that it was stolen. You found a box once you got home that once held the shoes you’re currently wearing, and decided that keeping the money under your bed was a safe bet.
But right now, you have a good hundred or so burning in your pocket while you walk towards the Amonwood Farmer’s Market, and it’s making you jumpy as hell.
It isn’t late enough in the season for crunchy leaves. It’s not even fall yet technically, but the feeling of the season is there. You can see the transition in what’s being sold. Summer berries are making their final hurrah on the stands. Berry pies coming from the end of the walkway fill your nose as soon as you pass the stand-up signs advertising the market. You pick through apples and cabbage and eggplant, basil and garlic and chiles, and ignore cauliflower and artichokes and radishes. You may not be able to see the other shades everyone else can, but even you can tell that everything on the stands are fresh and clean. You’re already snacking on a small bundle of grapes you bought; they’re ridiculously sweet.
You’ve always liked summer and winter more. Those seasons were always committed to their purpose. Decisive, even. Right now you’re leaning towards the latter. You’re excited to see snow for the first time in…years.
The smell of fresh coffee draws you towards the baked goods in the back. You pull out about ten bucks in preparation, just in case you also want a treat, and-
You look up to make your order at the window, and come eye-to-eye with Robert. And once again, it looks just as off-guard as you do.
It inhales. “…hi.”
This time, it’s less of a shock to see its face. Their voice is quiet, and more gravely. It looks older, too, with the smallest of worry lines formed on its brow. The same adorable freckles are still there, but the light in its eyes, the light that you always looked forward to seeing from Isabeau, is gone. You manage to breathe. “Hello.”
It…looks a little scared, actually. Like a cornered animal. You feel bad already. “I owe you an apology,” it says finally. “And an explanation.”
You nod a tad. “Patricia did let me in on a few things already.”
“Such as?”
“Your new name. Pronouns. Stuff like that.” You can barely look them in the eye; your chest aches.
“Ah. Um…” It clears its throat. “My shift ends in fifteen minutes. If you’d like to talk more.”
You…you would. A lot. But you don’t want to seem desperate. “If it’s not too much trouble.”
“Of course not.” Their features seem to soften. “Did you want to order something before we take off?”
You smile a little. “Yeah, a…” You squint while trying to read the board. “Okay, help. What’s a ‘latte’?”
“It’s espresso and milk.”
It doesn’t elaborate as much as you’d like it to. “Is it good?”
He shrugs. “I like it. It is an acquired taste, though.”
You hum. “I’ll try it.”
It wordlessly picks up a paper cup and writes on it with a “marker”, a special kind of paint brush that Patricia showed you a few days ago. “Coming right up.”
You tell Robert to meet you down the way by the fruit stands when his shift is over, and when you inevitable beat him to it, you to try to practice your breathing while you wait. The coffee in your grip is nearly vibrating from the shake in your hands. You took a sip in front of them earlier, doing everything in your power to not watch their reaction, and found yourself pleasantly surprised at the taste. You’re not a coffee person, never were, but this with a spoonful of sugar mixed in could get you on board.
You’re sitting on a bench when you see it approach you, holding its own cup and something small in its hand. “Hello again.”
“Hey.” Its mouth quirks for a moment, then falls, like its lips have forgotten how to smile. It seems to wait for you to stand up before it speaks again. “I brought you something.”
“Oh?” You peek at his open palm - inside, a tart of some kind rests on a napkin.
“I ran out of pie dough, so I couldn’t cover all of them up. Since we can’t sell it, we get to take home the scraps.”
“…blueberry?”
“Huckleberry.”
You raise an eyebrow. “Never heard of it.”
“It’s like a blueberry and a lemon had a baby.” They hold it out to you.
You raise your taken hands, one with a bag of groceries and the other with the coffee it gave you, and give it a smile. “Maybe later?”
It blinks, and, to your surprise, snorts. “Can I walk you home, then?”
Your chest flutters with…excitement? Surprise? “Sure!”
You start to lead the way, hoping for some casual conversation maybe, before it takes you all of thirty seconds to realize that this guy, despite it most likely being an Isabeau, is not going to talk without some help.
“So,” you half-clear your throat. “Should I get the rough stuff out of the way first?”
You see its shoulders hunch just a tad. “That…would probably be best.” It takes a sip of its latte. “Are you like me, then? Not entirely human?”
You nod. “Part star, from what I understand. What about you?”
“Something similar to that. Part dandelion.”
Your brows bunch up as you give him a look. “…you ate a flower? Like, from the ground?”
It responds with stutters that both catch you off-guard and make you snicker. “How did you manage to eat a star???"
You both look at each other. You crack first, a snort escaping your lips, before Robert follows and you’re both giggling over how ridiculous it all sounds. “I was desperate, okay,” you manage to defend yourself through quiet laughter.
That only made its chuckles worse; an outright grin was breaking out onto its face, only covered by a hand. “I don’t blame you,” it breathed with a cough. “I don’t exactly have room to judge!”
You wish- want. You want to see its smile so badly!!! You take a few deep breaths in tandem to calm down with Rob following. “Okay, okay. Back to business. How did it happen for you?”
They’re…still smiling a little. After their hand fell. You do everything in your power to keep your eye towards the upcoming bridge, as to not be directly staring at Robert’s face. “Well, I’d say it’s going to sound crazy, but with how this place acts…”
You pick up what it’s putting down instantaneously. “I understand. Continue.”
It nods. “I got trapped in a time loop.”
Your head swivels.
“And no matter what I tried, what choices I made, what things I tried to change, I couldn’t get out. So I got desperate. Wished to get out by any means necessary, probably to the same deity that put me in that situation in the first place.”
You feel your throat close up “…the Universe?”
“Yeah. And to its credit, it got me out of my trap. It just put me in-”
You cut it off. “Someone else’s.”
Robert stops walking, pausing on the bridge to cross the river, and looks at you with eyes full of horror. “…please tell me that didn’t happen to you too.”
“Literally to the letter,” you respond with a nervous smile. “I was trapped for…oh, Lord, how many loops was it-”
“I don’t want to know,” it quickly says.
You flinch at its volume.
“Sorry,” they quickly correct. “I…I’m sorry.”
They look like they’re going to faint. You look around, and spot a bench on the other side of the cobblestone. “Are you good to walk a few more steps?”
Its eyes dart around, and seem to land towards your goal. “Y-Yeah.”
You loop the handles up to hang off of the crook of your elbow and hold your coffee cup with your free hand. You don’t even think about it, to be honest. The palm closest to Robert reaches out and gently grabs its upper arm, and starts to guide it towards the bench. You feel it freeze up from your grasp before it slowly starts to follow you in silence. You don’t blame it. You didn’t ask if you could touch them. You’ll apologize later, but right now you’re trying to prevent a panic attack from a Changed and traumatized version of your best friend.
The two of you get to the bench and sit down without a word, wincing when you let your bag of groceries gently fall down your arm and plop onto the ground. You take a final sip of coffee, and throw it into the trash can next to you. “Do you want to talk more, or do you just want to sit in silence?”
Robert doesn’t answer; its arms are shaking as it sets down its own cup before taking the tiny pie in its hand and breaking it in two. It holds out your portion to you, its eyes glued to your hands.
You gently take your half. Your heart seems to warble and flutter at the feeling of its warm hands grazing your cold ones. “Thank you.” The two of you eat in silence. You’re pretty full from the grapes you had earlier, but the pie is small enough that you don’t think you’ll get a stomach ache from such a little treat. Plus, Doctor Dillan did instruct you to have many smaller snacks throughout the day versus big meals to combat the malnutrition.
Robert is wiping their hands clean when they speak again. “How are you so calm right now?”
Honestly? You’re actually really surprised by how well you’re handling this. Thank you Stardust for teaching you how to be the therapist friend on the fly??? “I already had my meltdown after seeing you for the first time. I might freak out in private later after knowing the details, but I’m okay right now.”
It blinks at you, finally looking at your face. “…I don’t think I ever caught your new name.”
Oh, topic change! You can work with that. “I’m Luca.”
“Is that what Siffrin called you?”
That catches you a tad off-guard. “Uh, no. I went with Loop for that one.”
“…Loop? Like, time loop?”
Your eyes narrow. “There a problem with that?”
“No, no,” it says as you watch it fight a smile. “Just…why?”
“It’s easy to remember.”
Its face falls in realization. “…oh.”
Oh, great! Way to make it depressing, you stupid idiot~! Now pivot before you panic! “What about you? I assume Robert wasn’t what Isabeau called you?”
“No.” The expression on its face doesn’t change. “Roboro.”
You tilt your head. “Roboro,” you repeat. “Why?”
“I got it from ouroboros.”
You blink. “Which is?”
That earns you a little smile. “It’s a symbol. A dragon, or a snake depending on the region, eating its own tail. It symbolizes eternal cyclical renewal.” It picks up its coffee and takes a sip. “I figured it was fitting, considering the circumstances.”
You can’t help but snort.
Its eyes glare into yours. “…something funny?”
You aren’t intimidated in the slightest. “Sorry, but your name really is just ‘Loop: Nerd Edition’. That’s extremely funny.”
Those eyes immediately jump open in surprise before narrowing into a pout. You catch a flush grow on its cheeks. “You’re worse than Odile.”
“HA!” You continue to snicker before taking a deep breath or two to calm down. “Sorry, sorry.”
“No you’re not.”
“…no not really.”
Its chuckles make your chest warm. “So. Luca, then? Or do you want me to call you Loop.”
You take a moment to think about it. “Loop is good, but it would have to be in private only. Town rules and all.”
“Luca in public then.”
“Yes. Is that the same for you? Or are you strictly Robert?”
It shakes its head. “Roboro is fine. Just…don’t call me Bob.”
It makes its request with such a pitiful disdain that you’re laughing all over again. “Is there a story to that?”
“Unfortunately.” Its tone hasn’t changed, but it is smiling wider now.
You take a moment to calm down from your giggles. “…do you feel a little better?”
They nod. “Yeah.” Their tone shifts as they look away, frown, then come back to you. “I’m really sorry that happened to you.”
Oh no, a genuine apology! You were joking around earlier when you mentioned melting down later, but that might actually happen at this rate. You can’t look them in the eye when you respond; “I’m sorry for you too.”
The silence is so thick between the two of you that it’s suffocating, but you almost wish Roboro had left it there instead of breaking it. “I know I shut you down earlier, but how long were you in for?”
You freeze up. Should you be honest? You don’t want it to panic any more than it already has. But you’re the one who told Stardust to talk to his family. To tell them the truth when they were hurting. And that applies to you too.
But this isn’t Isabeau. This is “Roboro”. It’s not your family. It’s a stranger, actually, walking around in your fellow actor’s skin with a different personality. Well, not different. Changed is more accurate.
“A long time,” you finally manage.
You’re met with silence.
The star in your chest begins to race. Was that answer not good enough? There’s a half of you that deems Roboro unfamiliar and unsafe, and the other…just wants your friend back.
A friend that is gone.
Because you left him behind.
Because you couldn’t face him again.
Because you’re just as much of a coward as he was.
“Loop?”
Your breath hitches. “I’m fine,” you whisper.
“Lu, you’re crying.”
Oh stars, and now you’re having your breakdown! And Roboro just called you by a nickname, automatically! That’s just blinding wonderful!!! Your lungs feel like they’ve shrunk three times smaller as you try to inhale, and…and…
You can’t do this, you can’t do this, you can’t do this.
“Excuse me,” you say quickly, grabbing your tote and standing up to walk away.
“Wh- Loop!”
To your disappointment, this Isabeau is not a coward anymore - it’s keeping up with you in stride effortlessly. You try to walk faster, ignoring its voice.
“Lu, slow down-”
Your entire body is telling you to just bolt, outrun it, cry at the house, but you don’t think you can.
“You’re going to-”
Your foot suddenly catches on the edge of the pavement, and you lurch forward. Your arm is caught by a strong, warm hand, leaving you to stumble and catch yourself; you think you’ve dropped your pride, but leave it to fall and shatter. You don't want to, but you know it's better to let it help you. You reach up to wipe your eyes with a free hand. “Sorry,” you manage.
But it’s not talking. It still has your arm in its grip, albeit very gently. “Are you okay,” it finally says.
You nod.
“You’re skin and bone.”
…you nod again.
“Loop, how long have you been free?”
You swallow. You keep your eyes low, more towards its neck than its eyes. “About a month and a half.”
“A month and-” It slaps a hand over its face and groans. “Why didn’t you say something!?”
“Well believe it or not, I intended to have my shit together today,” you snap before quickly shutting your mouth. Guilt immediately washes over you, alongside a confusion as to why you said such a word that you’re very unfamiliar with instead of ‘stars’. “…sorry.”
“I know.” Roboro slowly lets you go. “I’m still walking you home. Okay?”
You don’t have it in you to protest. You wipe your cheeks of fresh tears, and sniffle. “Okay.”
Chapter Text
You make sure that there’s a cup of tea in front of each of you before you sit Roboro down to tell it everything that’s happened within these past few weeks. You make a point to not really look at its face while you word-vomit in its lap. You already feel like a burden; you don’t need to give your disgusting brain more ammo.
“And I’ve been here ever since. I have six months before I get kicked, so I’m hoping the house will be done by then.”
“…wow.”
You take a sip of your apple chai. Your throat hurts from talking so much. You gather the courage to look up at Roboro for the first time in almost an hour.
The expression on his face nearly makes you choke. “You really are just an emotional dumpster fire right now, aren’t you?”
You do choke at that. “A little bit,” you admit through coughs.
“I think you’re doing great for what you got, but still. Why come here straight after?”
You sigh. “I…was afraid I’d get trapped again. That I’d go back, and have lost my touch enough to where I’d get stuck.”
“But you know how to break the time loops.”
“I won’t always know.”
It’s quiet at that, its face dropping. “That’s…true.”
“Did you go back home right after you left your Isabeau?”
“No. I woke up under the Favor Tree a week or two after he left.”
“What happened?”
It sighed. “Call me crazy, but I went back in.”
“Went back…” You gape. “Back into the House!?”
They only smile. “I was naked, okay? And I really did need help. Euphrasie gave me one of her old dresses to wear, but it didn’t fit at all.” Their expression grows a tad sentimental. “She said she could tailor it to me within a few days, but…I decided I wanted to do it myself. And I stayed there for…oh, gosh, maybe three weeks? All I wanted were some damn pants.”
You giggle a little.
“I made a whole outfit for myself. Slept on the rooftop. And then I traveled throughout Isabeau’s Vaugarde for a few months. Made some new friends. They convinced me to find him, and I did! They were all still traveling together too, so I joined them for a few weeks, and then…”
“And then…?”
Its smile falls a little. “Mirabelle and I got to talking, and she wondered if I could go home to save my Vaugarde. I couldn’t stop thinking about it after that. Isabeau ended up noticing, we started brainstorming how I could get back.”
“How did you do it?”
“Turns out you can channel Wish Craft through tools. Took some trial and error, but we made a pair of fabric scissors that could create a portal.”
You blink. “You’re skipping a lot of steps there buddy.”
It chuckles. “It’s really boring. I figured you wouldn’t want the details.”
You snort. “And then?”
“And then I went home. Saved Vaugarde. Lived a few years there, and…” Its eyes glaze over for a minute. “I left.”
You blink in surprise. “Just like that? Was there a reason, or-”
“Yes, there was.” Its shoulders shrink. “But I think that’s all I have in me right now.”
Sensitive topic. You understand that better than anyone. “You’ll have to tell me another day, then.”
You watch Roboro finish off its tea. “I’m surprised you still want to talk to me considering your last wish.”
You take a minute to think about it. “Yeah, but…you’re not Isabeau. I mean, you are, but you’ve changed a lot. In a good way, I think. Enough to where it feels like I’m around someone new.”
Its gaze softens. Your stomach twirls.
“A-And I don’t know if I’ll be here for long. Hell, for all I know, the house will be finished and it’ll be empty because I may want to go back by then.” You stare down at your empty cup. “But I’d like to get to know you more while I’m here. If you want.”
They’re quiet for a moment. “…I’m still sorry I ran away from you.”
“It’s okay.”
“No, it’s not.” You look up, and…its eyes are actually a little glassy??? “If Siffrin ran away at the first sight of a new me, I’d be devastated.”
Huh. That’s not what you were expecting. “I was more in shock of your existence at all. I thought Siffrin and I were the only two idiots who got stuck in a time loop.”
It snorts with a chuckle. “Nope. I met Mira a couple of months ago.”
Your eyes widen. “She’s here?”
“No, not right now. She’s enjoying her freedom at the moment, traveling around this planet. You wouldn’t believe the post cards I get.”
“…what about Bonbon?”
It shakes its head. “No sign of the kid or M’dame. Mira originally set out to look for them actually.”
You hope it’s just you three and your copies, that Odile and Bonnie were both smart enough to avoid this travesty, but your head knows better. “I’ll let you know if I see them, then.”
“Please do. I’m worried about Bon.”
So are you after that conversation. “…so. Are we okay to exist in the same room, then? Mental breakdowns aside.”
Roboro gives you an amused smile. “Yeah. We’re okay.”
You haven’t slept in a week, which is a problem considering that you now work a job. You’re thankful that you’re not in the store on your own yet, even if the lack of floor traffic would help you a lot in moving all of the books over smoothly.
You started organizing last week, and right now you’re focused on getting a groove and making a pattern to follow for the next sections. The Romance Genre, and all of its sub-genre’s, is currently testing your sanity.
“Miss Patricia?”
Roboro’s voice makes you jump as you climb the ladder in a darker corner of the store.
“Robert, again? I thought it was James’s turn.”
“He’s out sick. And Sam is on cake order duty.”
You hear her sigh. “Please tell me Clyde is being good to y’all.”
“He is. He’s just handling a lot of paperwork before the store closes tomorrow.”
“How does it feel to have your days off in the middle of the week?”
“Very strange, but convenient.” You hear it place something on the counter. “Anyways, Clyde let me bring more rejects today.”
“Ooh, are these the grilled fig cakes you didn’t sell?”
“Sadly yes. Not a lot of people like fig up here.”
You slowly come down the ladder, a faint memory of Isabeau eating toast with fig jam crossing your mind. Figs were Vaugardian, weren’t they?
“Well if it makes you feel better, I love figs. Luca, are you around?”
You step out from behind the shelves. “I’m here. Sorry, I was sorting.”
It doesn’t smile at you. “Morning.”
“Morning. I heard there was cake?”
Roboro holds out a coffee cup. “And coffee.”
It brought you coffee!!! You take it carefully. “Thank you!”
Its brows raise. “You’re welcome.”
You take a sip and smile. There’s a spoonful of sugar in it this time. It’s subtle, but very much there. “Yummy.”
Still no smile, but- oh! Its cheeks are a little bright! That’s adorable. “How’s sorting going?”
“It’s going. I could use a break though.” And food, in general. You skipped breakfast due to a lack of appetite. Even with your shot memory, you recall all of the nightmares you’ve had within the past week. You glance up at Roboro’s face, its attention taken by Patricia trying her coffee and the cake, and find that its eyes are also lined with dark circles.
Stars. You triggered something in each other, didn’t you? And all it took was a glance!
“Well, I need to get back.” You catch a half-smirk from Roboro. “See you around?”
All you can do is smile, and hope it covers up your exhaustion. “Of course.”
It’s raining while you walk back towards your place. You’ve found yourself liking it more often than not, even if your original build was demolished during a storm. It helps that there are no trees surrounding your current house.
The wind whistles in warning as you pull out your house key to unlock the bolt when the sound of something else catches your attention. A…snarl? No, no, you know that sound!
You back away from your door, and quietly listen for it again. The distinct growl of a meow breaks through the loud rain and causes you to jump. You step off of the porch. “Here kitty kitty kitty!”
You wait. And you wait, and you wait, and you- and there it is again! Another yowl, coming from underneath the porch. You peek between the floorboards. “Hi kitty! How did you get under there???”
One bright eye stares back at you through the shadows. You catch light fur with dark and mid-shade patches. It’s so scooched into the far corner of the available crawl space that you can’t see any other features from it.
You back up and look around the framing of the porch, trying to find a space where- there! Your eyes fall to a cutout on the side of the house that leads directly to the porch. Okay, so the kitty has an escape route. But you definitely can’t reach it from here.
Maybe you could find some food for it?
You manage to scrounge up some cooked chicken in a warm broth and set it under the porch as best as you can alongside a water bowl. It’s not much, but it’s what you have. You set it down and leave it to be consumed.
You don’t hear any noise when you step back inside of your house.
You check the bowls in the morning after yet another night full of night terrors, and they’re empty. The cat is gone. You’re a tad disappointed.
The weather is a little clearer when you meet the cat again. Things at the bookstore have been boring. You’re nearly half-way done with your shelving process, to the point where the original plan of you being in the store after hours has actually been scrapped from how efficiently you’ve been working. You find that odd since right now you’re almost constantly always in a trance.
You were hoping to learn something substantial from working there but you just. Can’t. Sleep. You’re ready to bash your head into a wall, if that’s what it takes!
You’re mid-yawn, turning your key to unlock the bolt, when a chirp interrupts you. You jump, and turn to see folded ears, a missing left eye, and no tail amongst the roundest cat you have ever seen.
It’s the kitty!!! From under the porch!!! You begin to kneel, and-
It bolts. Turns around the corner of the house faster than you can blink. Goodness, it’s speedy!
…it reminds you of Stardust a little. Skittish, one-eyed, and tended to plug their ears whenever you spoke to them. You smile to yourself, and open the door to get another warm bowl of chicken and broth.
You’re pouring the portion into the pot when you hear another chirp from behind the front door…if you open it, will it run again? You turn the knob and swing it open.
Slowly, cautiously, it comes inside. You watch its little nose twitch in curiosity as it explores the house. You sneak outside and grab the bowls from under the porch to refill them with water and fresh food indoors. You carefully set them down on the floor by the kitchen counter, sit on the couch, and wait.
You watch it eat its fill, the front door wide open. You can’t tell if it’s a boy or a girl cat, but you don’t really care. It’s still skittish. It still doesn’t trust you.
That’s to be expected, you remind yourself. There was a reason the others referred to you as a feral animal, adopted into the crew and slowly domesticated. It took time to get there.
And yet, you still failed your new family.
The kitty surprises you by popping up onto the couch with you. You make sure to not move a muscle as it sniffs all over you, starting with your feet and working its way up to your hands. You gently lift a finger and watch it nuzzle into your hand.
You…breathe.
You’re petting the softest fur you’ve ever felt. The rumble of a loud purr makes your hand vibrate against its cheek. You automatically start looking for fleas, and find none.
It’s letting you touch it. You feel like you’re going to explode.
You compensate by shaking your free hand to get the spare energy out, and grin.
The scratching sound against the front door makes you think that this was a temporary joy.
But such a joy it was! You gave the strange cat all of the scritchies in the world before making dinner and learning to navigate it trying to trip you at every turn. You couldn’t stop smiling and giggling the whole time.
But it probably has an owner, especially considering its weight. It’s so lovey dovey that you have to convince yourself that you did indeed see this coming as you open the door and watch it go out into the night.
What genuinely surprises you is its return, with the same scratching sound on the other side. You realize that you have food for it indoors, but not a bathroom, so…that makes sense??? You’ll make sure to grab a proper book and supplies tomorrow at work.
You settle into bed for the night. You’re expecting another restless evening spent waking from nightmares and calming your racing heart-
OOF. Yup, that’s a fat cat on your stomach.
You try to pick it up to place it on your chest and end up kinda dragging it instead. “Sorry,” you whisper.
It looks a tad annoyed, but gets comfortable quickly. The pressure on your chest relaxes you instantly.
“…you need a name.”
You listen to it purr as you stroke its folded ears.
“I’ll find one for you at work tomorrow, okay?”
You don’t remember falling asleep. You wake up five minutes before your alarm clock goes off. No dreams, no nightmares, just darkness.
You slept, you slept, you slept!!!
The kitty was following you around the house as you got ready for work, and you’ve gone from excitement to a quiet panic ever since you entered the bookstore.
You have no idea how to care for an animal, and that's becoming more and more prominent as you try to think about what to do next. You let the cat outside before locking up the house, and put the bowls out in their old spot so that it could eat while you were gone. You’ve yet to check for the gender. You should do that soon. For now, you’re looking through pet care books to see if you can find one that covers all of the basics.
“Hey Lu.”
Roboro’s voice makes you jump out of your skin with a snap and a twist. “Holy- please don’t scare me like that.”
To your surprise, it actually chuckles. “Sorry. Whatchya looking at?”
You breathe. You lift the book in your hand. “I found a cat.”
“Oh? Is it cute?”
“It has one eye, folded ears, and it is the roundest thing I have ever seen.”
It smirks. “So, you stole someone else’s cat.”
“I thought so too. Kitty slept with me last night and I let it out before leaving today. If it comes back tonight then I’ll have my answer.”
“I’m glad you finally slept.”
You squint. “…I never told you about that.”
“I can see it on your face. You had circles deeper than the Mariana Trench.”
“Have you looked in a mirror my guy? You look exhausted.”
“I am. Moose is helping though.”
“…Moose.”
“Yes.”
“Who is?”
“My dog.”
“Why Moose?”
“Because he’s massive.”
You blink. “…you don’t work today. Why are you here???”
That cracks another smile out of it. “Clyde wrote down the wrong address for the flour delivery. Sent it here by accident. I’m man-power.”
“I see. So are you hauling it over your shoulders like a donkey, or…?”
Its shoulder shake from chuckling. “There’s a wheelbarrow outside.”
You smile. You like making Rob laugh. Puns are off-limits for the sake of your sanity, but it doesn’t smile nearly as much as you know it used to. You’ve had to get creative. “Where is Clyde?”
“In the back office with Patricia. They’ve been in there for a few minutes now.”
You think for exactly a millisecond before-
“You wanna go eavesdrop, don’t you?”
You blink innocently. “I thought you’d never ask!”
It rolls its eyes while clearly trying to force back a smile. “Follow me.”
You tuck the book under your arm and obey, tailing them to a door that says Employees Only.
“-telling you, we can’t keep both of them open.”
You both freeze.
“Honey, you don’t mean that-”
“Yes I do! Have you seen the bills, Clyde? You have five employees to support, I only have one. If we have to close a business, it has to be my store!”
“Don’t you only have Luca for another week?”
“…I’ve…considered asking them to stay, actually.”
Your tongue catches in your throat.
“Patty…”
There’s a pause. “I can’t keep running this place by myself. You saw how this place used to look like when it was just me. Luca’s been here three weeks and they’ve proven themselves more than capable than I’ve been in years.”
“I don’t doubt it. Robert’s told me about them.”
You give it a side eye and a raised eyebrow. It doesn’t meet your gaze, its eyes to the floor.
“Look, I’m glad you found good help, but what happens when you have to let them go?”
Patricia doesn’t seem to have an answer for that. You hear shaky breathing and muffled sounds.
You back away from the door. You wouldn’t want anyone to hear you cry.
“Are you okay?”
You don’t know. “…I don’t know.”
“Okay. Um.” Rob takes you by the shoulder and pulls you aside to the corner he found you in.
You try to breathe. Your mind is racing. What should you do? What can you do, other than start to look for a new job as promised?
But you don’t want to leave Patricia behind to fend for herself. She just said she needed help.
And…you don’t know how to help.
You don’t know how to help you don’t know how to help you don’t know how to help you don’t know how to help you don’t know how to help you don’t know how to help you don’t know how to help you don’t know how to help you don’t know how to help-
“Loop.”
You flinch. You don’t look up at Rob. “I-I’m here,” you manage.
“…breathe with me?”
You wordlessly obey. Your palm presses against your heart. You listen to it breathe in semi-exaggerated motions as you try to copy it. Slowly, slowly, slowly, you calm down.
Roboro shakes its hands and folds its arms. “…I don’t know how to help you here, Lu.”
You simply nod. “It was bound to happen at some point,” you whisper with a sniffle. “I knew my luck would be running out soon, but…” You keep your face to the floor.
“But?”
Your lip quivers, your voice cracks, you cover your face to hide shameful tears. “I don’t know how to help her.”
It’s barely a whisper, but you hear it. In the same tone he used to say all the time - “Oh, buddy.”
The sound of the employee door opening straightens you up right away. You wipe your face and put on a fake smile.
“Robert? I’m ready when you are.”
You catch it flinch. “I’ll meet you out there.”
Clyde doesn’t argue; he simply nods and walks out the door after kissing his wife goodbye.
You watch it steal a piece of scratch paper from behind the desk - “Sorry Miss Pat.” - and quickly scribble something on it before passing it to you. “Here. After work?”
You look down at a set of numbers, and…oh. It’s their phone number. You nod. “I’ll call you then.”
Chapter Text
Ring ring…ring ring…ring ring… “Hello?”
“Hey, it’s me.”
“Oh, hey Lu! How’re you feeling?”
You want to vomit. You want to cry, and scream, and cut your hair, and burn every item in this house, and take your cat and run. “I’m fine.”
“…are you?”
Curse it and its apparent ability of smelling your lies from a kilometer away. “Sorry,” you respond quietly. You hope Rob doesn’t hear your kitty purring through the receiver as you scratch between their ears. “It’s been hard.”
“As expected. Do you just want to talk feelings, or do you want ideas for a plan?”
You’d rather die than admit that you’ve been crying on and off all day. “Ideas please. My brain is fried.”
You think you hear it chuckle a little. “Okay. I think I actually know what Patricia’s real problem is when it comes to the bookstore.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah, a lack of foot traffic.”
You rub your eyes and try to force your cognitive thinking skills to stop crying hysterically and take a few deep breaths. “That…checks. It’s always pretty quiet.”
“And I wonder if the reason that is is because of how the bookstore used to look. Are you almost finished with it?”
“About two-thirds of the way through.”
“How fast can you get it done?”
“…what are you thinking?”
“I’m thinking we see if the library in the next town over can help us.”
Oh! That is a good idea! “I am so glad that between the two of us, one of us can think clearly enough to come up with an actual solution to this mess.”
The bark of a laugh that comes through the earpiece makes you jump. “That’s a weird way to say thank you.”
Stars. “Shoot, sorry. Thank you.”
“No, no, it’s okay.” Its tone is a little softer now. “I was joking, I promise.”
Damn it, you ruined its fun. Why do you have to be such a terrible actor? “Sorry, it’s okay.” You force a giggle. “It was funny.”
There’s just enough of a moment of silence that you’ve grown uncomfortable. “Are you okay?”
They sound so sincere and kind and gentle that it makes your chest ache. You told Stardust that he needed to be honest now, tell his party when he wasn’t okay. You know that applies to you too.
So, why does it feel wrong?
“Not really,” you whisper.
Rob pauses. “Okay. Um, I’ll be over soon then. We can plan everything out a little better. Sound good?”
So it can watch you cry again? You want to shrivel up into a ball and die.
…you really, really want a hug though. And Roboro seems to be okay with touching you.
“Yeah. Yeah, that works.” You sniffle. “I’ll let you go then.”
“Hang in there. See you soon.”
“See you soon.” You hang up.
You lean back against the couch, fully relaxing into the plush and letting an impatient kitty cat knead their paws into your chest.
“What, babycakes? Did you miss me that much?”
They respond by knocking their face into yours, earning them giggles that feel lighter than air.
…you’re really glad this random cat butt into your life without warning. You think you’d be a lot worse off if they weren’t here.
You’re cooking dinner by the time Rob arrives on your doorstep and knocks twice. You answer it quickly. “Hi.”
“Hey.” It smiles so little that every one you receive from it feels like a warm caress.
You step aside to let them in. “I’m making pumpkin soup with garlic bread, if you want some.”
Roboro’s face doesn’t change, but their eyes light up like fireworks. “Yes. Please.”
You snicker a bit. “It’s even bread from your bakery. Turns out Patty had a stale loaf that she brought to work since apparently I mentioned being excited for soup and bread season at one point.”
“…I don’t recall you caring for soup.”
You give it a raised eyebrow.
“Sorry,” it responds quickly. “Not you. Siffrin.”
Ah. You understand. You turn back towards the pot and give it a stir. “It’s okay. I think I just developed different tastes over time.”
“I’m assuming malanga fritters isn’t going to be on the menu anytime soon?”
You think for a moment. “No. Not yet. But someday.”
“I look forward to it.”
You blink. “You tried them?”
“Many times. Sif only ever let me have one though,” it chuckled. “But they were really good.”
You smile. “I’m glad you enjoyed them.” You begin to ladle up servings and check the bread in the oven. “This is done.”
“Cool. Behind.” Without warning, Roboro moves behind you and starts opening cupboards. You hear the clinking of plates as you take out the pan with a dry rag. “Are we sitting at the bar here?”
“We should if it’s soup. Tank won’t be happy though.”
“…Tank? What’s a tank?”
“It’s an invention I read about yesterday while sorting through the nonfiction section. There’s a planet with this guy on it named Leonardo Da Vinci. Super nerd. Think you times a hundred.”
That earns you a chuckle. You grin.
“And he made all of these cool thingamabobbers, like planes, and parachutes, and there was even a giant crossbow! But there’s one in there that looks like two of those angular ramen bowls Odile would eat out of stacked together to face each other. And it’s called an armored car, but, for their modern day, it’s the most similar to something called a tank. So that’s what I named the kitty.” You take the bowls and set them next to where Rob has already practically set the table for you, garlic toast on plates and all. “Oh, thank you! You didn’t need to do that.”
“It’s alright. I’m used to moving while I talk nowadays.” Rob’s smiling now, almost absentmindedly. “Come sit.”
You take your place next to it, dip your bread, and let it sit for a moment.
“What else did he make?”
“Hm?”
“The inventor.”
“Oh! Um…well, apparently he made a more accurate clock that separated the mechanisms for minutes and hours, and even added a moon phase dial to it. He updated another thing called an anemometer, which is a tool to measure wind speed, there was a giant copper horse at one point-”
Rob nearly spit out its soup. “A what?”
“Dead serious. Eighty tons of bronze set aside, and then he sold it before it could be completed.”
“That’s insane.”
“It is.” A chirp from the bedroom doorway catches your attention. “Oh, hi baby!”
Roboro turns, and immediately barks out a laugh. “Holy- you are a Tank!” You watch it get up and sit on the floor, letting them sniff it out. “You’re the chonkiest sweetheart I’ve ever seen.”
You giggle before enjoying some soup. Watching the two interact has the star that beats in your chest swelling. You glance down at some spilled soup on your shirt and- oh. That’s new. Your star is actually glowing quite a bit, more than usual…you decide to focus on your food, and try not to think about how cute the two of them are.
“Y’know, she kinda looks like you.”
You perk up. “She?”
“I was able to check.” Rob scratches under her chin with a smile. “Looks just like her baba.”
A part of your soul sings. You try to cover your glowing chest with your hands, the light coming through your shirt a little more obviously now. “Y-You think so?”
“Absolutely,” Rob chuckles. “One eye, skittish, and the ears remind me of your old bangs a little.”
The fluttering extends to your stomach and bounces around your torso, leaving you winded. “I think I see it.” You force another spoonful down your throat, and try to breathe after the fact.
You nearly choke on your next bite when Roboro turns to look at you, and spots your glowing chest. But instead of repulsion, you find it looking a bit more smug. “Something up?”
You press your hand over your star. “…I don’t know. You two are cute together. It just started glowing after I thought about that.”
They snort. “Come sit with us. Maybe Tank can calm you down.” They pat the open space on the floor next to them.
You sigh, but obey without a fight. Your furry baby comes up to you and climbs onto your legs to bump your face. You smile, and shower her little head with kisses. “Hi sweetie.”
You feel Rob scoot over close enough to where your folded legs are actually touching.
That’s another new thing you’ve noticed. You’d already clocked that Roboro wasn’t scared of accidentally hurting you through physical contact like Isabeau was, but there’s something else to it. A layer of confidence that wasn’t there before, perhaps. It doesn’t ask. It just does.
But you’ve never touched it first, save for the one time. You wonder if that makes a difference.
You slowly, carefully, rest your head against its arm, almost its shoulder.
And Rob freezes.
Yup, you’ve messed it all up, haven’t you? You just had to go and make an assumption and fly by the seat of your pants, and look where it got you, you blinding idiot-
“Loop.”
You swallow. “Mhm?”
“You don’t look comfortable.”
You squint your eyes shut. “It’s fine.”
You hear an annoyed sigh.
Oh, you are so cooked. Burnt, even. You’ve ruined probably your only friendship that you’ll ever have here.
“Just…lift your head please.”
You wordlessly obey.
To your surprise, Roboro scoots closer. “There. Now you can get comfy.”
You stiffen, but lay your head back down on its shoulder properly. The mean thoughts in your head are still there, bullying you relentlessly, telling you that Rob is just doing this to make you feel better and not because it wants to touch you, not because it wants you-
“Are you okay?”
Its quiet voice cracks through the nastiness. It sounds…worried.
You have to be honest, Stardust.
You pull your legs in and hug your knees. “My head’s being really mean to me today.”
You hear a little click of its tongue, and you feel its cheek gently rest on your hair. It takes all of your energy to not crawl into its skin and cocoon yourself in its warmth. “What’s it saying?”
Your breath catches in your throat. You don’t know where to start. You’ve never told anyone what you think of yourself. Tears fill your eyes. Tank starts to move away from Rob and towards you. “A lot of negativity. A lot of…doubt. Fear.”
“Is it worse when you’re stressed?”
You try to think through the noise. “I can’t tell. It’s always been like this as far as I can remember. But it’s been behaving ever since I came here, and then I moved into this house, and…”
“…and you feel safe here?”
The pressure on your shoulders loosens. “Yeah. It’s really weird.”
You swear you feel it smile. “I don’t know if it relates to you directly, but that’s a consistent thing from what I hear. I was a mess when I first moved out of my parents house. Only got out of bed to go to the academy and my job for like six months before I was able to pull myself together. Apparently when you feel that safe for long enough, you shut down and let out everything that you’ve been holding in.”
Your brows scrunch. “…is your family that bad?” You don’t recall Isabeau talking about his family, ever, save for that one time where he mentioned having a ridiculous amount of siblings.
“I don’t know. It was my normal for a long time. I’m glad it’s not my normal anymore though, so that might mean something.”
It does. You’ve been homesick for so long. You must have had something to go back to, right? “So…this is normal? Feeling like I’m falling apart?”
“A little. Doesn’t mean you have to do it alone, though.”
You don’t even notice that tears are running down your face until Tank starts to lick your cheeks clean. You sniffle with a giggle. “I feel like I always cry when I’m around you.”
Rob just chuckles. “You’ve been having a rough go of it, and are less than two months fresh of being free. You have several passes to use up.”
You laugh before sniffling again. “…I hate crying.”
“Did you do it often? During the loops.”
You try to think back. “Not really. I ended up bottling a lot of it up. I might’ve taken a few breaks. I know I skipped the House one time…” Ah. That’s right. “I think I did melt down during that, actually.”
“You too, huh?”
Oh! “Did you also…?”
“A few times. I stopped when I saw what happens when the King strikes.”
“That checks. I think I only skipped that one time. Caught up on sleep.”
“Mhm.” Rob’s head feels a bit heavy on yours. You recall it being just as tired as you were before you got Tank. “Me too. I’d go hide in the woods the night before.”
You snort. “I slept in the Favor Tree.”
“Oh, practicing early, huh?”
That earns it a string of sudden laughter, loud enough where you cover your mouth to temper the volume.
You can hear Rob’s snickering in your hair. “Sorry, that was pretty terrible.”
You have to take a deep breath, then another, to calm down. “Yeah, it was. It was funny though.”
The library the next town over closes at nine, giving you and Roboro ample opportunity to see if they can help.
You had no idea there even was a town nearby until Rob met you after work with a pain au chocolat and a hot tea in hand to walk towards a large bridge at the edge. “Bless you and your working memory.”
It smiles at you. “It’s nothing. They’re from yesterday, and we have to toss whatever we don’t sell. Feels like a waste every time.”
“Well feel free to bring me the scraps,” you giggle before taking a bite and immediately following it with a moan. “Oh my God.”
They’re grinning now. “Good?”
“Uh huh.” You finish it in four bites. You look up at it with a smile after licking your fingers clean. “Thank you!”
You swear you see a flush on its face before it looks away. “Y-Yup.”
You giggle a little in response while the cobblestone gives way to a kind of smoother brick that barely makes a sound under your borrowed shoes. You still haven’t bought those nicer ones. You’re currently saving up for when you become unemployed again. “So where are we going again?”
“It’s called Skrivenshore. Busy coastal town.”
“Bigger than here?”
“Much bigger.”
“So more resources to choose from.”
“Exactly.” Roboro approaches a little cabin with a porch protected by a fence and dings a desk bell, cutting your conversation short.
You unintentionally zone out for the next few minutes as Roboro speaks to a coordinator about getting you two over the bridge without having to walk. It takes a snapping of fingers to get you grounded again. “Sorry! What did I miss???”
It pauses for a moment. “Did you do that a lot? During your…um…‘event’.”
You’re in public. Time to be careful. “What, disassociate?”
“Mhm.”
“Oh, yeah. An unhealthy amount. Kept me as sane as I could be though.”
Rob leads you to an uncovered wagon that looks much fancier than what you think you’re used to. “I couldn’t do that if I tried.”
“Why…” You cut yourself short. “That’s right. The rest of you all talked to each other.”
Roboro remains silent until you both sit down and settle in your spots across from each other. “Did the others even notice something was wrong?”
“…they did once.”
“Only once?”
“When I let the mask slip.” You jolt a little from the sudden movement of the carriage. “I got tired. Sloppy. I never told them the truth though.”
“…not even-”
“Not ever.” You sigh. “And yes, I know I should’ve told them. Woulda probably made everything go a bit smoother.”
It’s quiet for a moment. “I don’t know if it would’ve made a difference, actually. I told my group multiple times until they started to repeat their answers no matter what I said, and not much changed.”
You…determine that that’s actually worse. You’re almost glad you kept it a secret. “Anyways. They clued in that something was wrong, and were a bit more protective of me. And because of that, we actually beat….him.”
Its brows crease. “How many times did you?”
“One.” You look out into the sea, a large body of water separating the two towns. You can hear the bitterness in your voice. “I was trapped for forever and a half, and we only got him one time.”
“Same.”
You blink in surprise. “Wait, how? You’re smart as hell.”
It shrugs with an awkward smile. “I was only introspective enough to a point.”
Ah. Its old cowardice probably bit it in the ass. “I see. I’m sorry.”
“It’s alright. I tried to learn, but I limited myself a lot. Didn’t give myself the opportunity to advance properly. And by the time we actually beat him, I was so drained that I…”
“Snapped?”
You see the twitch of a frown. “Something like that. And that’s how I met my Seedling.”
You can’t help but smile. “Is that what you called him?”
It nods. “Felt weird to call him by my old name. But I think I was ready for the Change in a way, as drastic as it was. It was something different.”
You pause. “…I don’t know if I agree. I never wanted to become this.”
“Neither did I. At least, not in this way.”
“Yeah. I know I was desperate, but…jeez.”
Its chuckles make you smile a little. “Can I ask you something?”
“Sure.”
“What did you call Siffrin?”
You feel your chest tighten a little. “…Stardust.”
Rob just smiles at you. “That’s cute.”
Your brows bunch. “Cute?”
“Yeah.” It seems amused by your reaction. How irritating! “How’d you come up with it?”
“Well, I…” You glance at the coachman. “I like stars. Always have. You know me. And…I think it was a nickname for me, at one point.”
Its eyes widen a bit. “You remember?”
“Bits and pieces.” Still hurts to think about, though. You’re still haunted by Wish Craft, even if its reach doesn’t stretch all the way here. “Sometimes I have dreams that I’ll recall when I wake up that feel familiar.” The nightmares are always about the loops, or recollections of your childhood. You’ve gone to work with a headache more than once.
Rob suddenly looks a lot more focused. “Would you be interested in sharing?”
You…sigh. “Another day. Not when we have work to do.”
Skrivenshore is big and bright and strains your eyes to the point where you and Rob actually have to go buy pairs of sunglasses together. How is it almost October and…and…
“Why is it so hot over here in comparison to Amonwood?”
It opens a large glass door for you to enter. “Different climate.”
You pause, and look out into the ocean for a second. You see home in the distance. It’s pretty far, but close enough to get to the next town over in half of an hour by carriage. “…are you sure?”
“Yep. Mira’s written to me about it. Apparently this isn’t the only town that’s like this either. Every bridge you cross, or if you drive far enough into the mainland-”
“Shhh!!”
A loud shushing noise by a stranger curbs your conversation. “Sorry,” you whisper, forcing a smile.
You take a look around, removing your sunglasses. You don’t think you’ve ever seen so many books in one spot! Glass panels from floor to ceiling illuminate a library that goes up three floors; see-through bridges connected by cables and fortified beams cross the large holes in them. There isn’t a panel of brick or wood in sight.
…it’s a lot more boring than Patty’s Pages, you realize. Its charm must rely on the shades you can’t see.
“This place is huge.” Rob’s voice brings you out of it.
You try to imagine this place at night and gulp. “I’m thankful for the windows.”
“Me too. The front desk is just ahead if you want to talk.”
“…not yet. I need to get my bearings.”
“Mkay. Mind if I go look at the nonfiction section while we’re here?”
You don’t want to be alone. “Not at all.” But you’re not. And you’ll see them later. You just have to convince your separation anxiety that that’s the case.
You approach a cork board by a series of posters that unscramble to say Local Events and pick through the flyers. Your eye catches on one advertising a traveling theater performing the Phantom of the Opera.
You inhale sharply. You really want to go. But with your relationship to how you coped in the House, how you saw everything as a repetitive performance, a stage play, a drama for the Universe…
And yet, you haven’t seen a show in years. You tear off a spare piece of information to mail cash to the tickets office later, and shove it into your pocket. You could ask Rob to go with you. And if it says no, you just won’t go. That’s safe, right?
You walk around to see if you can find Rob when an odd feeling hits you. You pause.
You only smelled burnt sugar in this dimension once, when you first met Roboro. After that, you could only gleam freshly baked bread and their natural musk whenever you two got close. Wherever that smell is coming from, it’s not them.
You start to look around, weaving through bookshelves with an alertness you haven’t had in months. You keep an eye out for a white hat, a cloud of dark hair, a tall-
You stop short in your tracks.
Standing in front of the window are long limbs, covered by slacks and a lace kimono, holding and flipping through a large book. Her hair is short now, a grey bob with black streaks instead of the reverse.
She looks older. “Odile?”
And yet, her eyes still look just as sharp, even as they widen.
You carefully approach.
Her voice is just above a whisper. “Siffrin?”
“I mean, I don’t go by that anymore, but-”
She quietly shushes you, looking around before setting her book down. “Sorry, sorry. It’s just…” There’s a smile growing on her face, emphasizing crows feet that you’re almost sure weren’t there before. “It’s a bit of a shock to see you here.”
You smile back. “Right back atchya.” You can’t help but take another moment to…take her in, you suppose. “I’m sorry, I’m…” Your breath catches in your throat. “I understand if it’s a no, but can I hug you?”
Odile’s gaze softens. “….yeah. Yeah, we can do that.”
She meets you halfway. Your arms hug fully around her waist. She’s still skinny, almost smaller than she used to be, but not malnourished like you are. You take a shaky breath. “Are you okay,” you whisper.
“I’m better,” she reassures you. “What about you?”
“Raw,” you admit. “It’s been a little over two months.”
You feel her thumb stroking your shoulder. “Oh dear,” she mumbles. “Have you met with any of the others?”
A loud gasp cuts through the quiet; you and Odile jump apart. “M’dame!?”
“SHHH!!!” You both can’t help your giggles at Rob’s reaction. “Get over here!”
You don’t have to tell it twice. Its smile is massive as it runs over and scoops the both of you into a group hug. “Hi!!!”
“Oh God oh why-”
You’re failing to silence your laughter, a warm feeling filling you up at Roboro’s chest against your face.
You hear it chuckle too. It sounds just like Isabeau’s.
Your stomach could carry you and the piece of your allies, your friends, your family, that are here out the door from how hard it’s fluttering with joy. You grin, and try not to fly.
Notes:
Am I proud of the picture? No. But they can't all be bangers :/
Chapter Text
You feel your confidence slowly drain from your veins and seep into the carpet when you watch the Head Librarian sit across from you in her office.
“So, Luca. Amy tells me you’re from Amonwood, and that you wanted to meet with me.”
You nod. “Yes, and thank you for agreeing to meet with me, miss…?”
“Safiya.”
“Miss Safiya,” you repeat with a hopefully convincing smile. “I’m not exactly sure how this process goes, but I was wondering if there was any availability for a partnership with our local bookstore, Patty’s Pages, and what that would look like.”
Her eyes, dark and stern, seem to harden for just a moment. You watch her pinch the bridge of her nose. “So Patricia is sending out strangers now?”
You blink. “Excuse me?”
She takes off her glasses with a sigh. “Look, you seem like a sweet girl, but-”
“Not a girl.”
“…sorry?”
You don’t know what’s come over you, but you cannot stand any form of condescension from anybody since leaving the loops. “Not a girl. Or a stranger, for that matter. Patricia is my boss, and I’m looking for ways to help so that she doesn’t have to close down her store. So, can you help me, or do I need to find someone that can?”
Safiya blinks, visibly taken aback. You think for a moment that you may have crossed a line until you watch the adjustment happen in real time - the steeling of her nerves, the slow inhale, the fiddling of her glasses as she cleans them.
She’s clearly very used to being in charge. You can't tell if you've messed this one up or if you've already won.
“How long have you worked for Pat?”
“Less than a month. She hired me to organize her store for her. Looks a lot nicer now if I say so myself.”
She nods, watching you intently. “Well, the reason we’ve said no in the past is because of her disorganization. She partnered with one of our sister libraries a decade or so ago and it was a complete disaster.”
You pull out a pen and pad that you snagged from the front desk while walking by. “What went wrong?”
Safiya pauses before giving up and continuing. “There was a lack of communication. She could never pick up the phone if she was with customers, and back in those days she had quite a bit of foot traffic, so she’d communicate through snail mail. By the time we’d receive requests for her to host an author and go through us for advertising, the day would’ve already passed and we would have nothing to work with.”
Yeah, that sounds like her alright. “I will ask, how does us partnering with the libraries benefit you?”
“Well, sometimes you have books we need. Simmers down our wait list quite a bit if done right. There are also events that we’d trade off on hosting, the education department could use both spaces instead of just ours for clubs, there are more spots to accept fundraising and donations for charities…”
Wow. This much more complicated than you were expecting! Your pen scribbles everything down. “How do you track all this?”
“We have a spreadsheet system in our computer that we use.”
What the hell is a computer??? “Is it possible to record everything on paper?”
“I don’t recommend it. It’s doable, but it’s ridiculously easy to mess up.”
So, maybe that’s Patricia’s real issue. Sounds like she’s always struggled with staying on track in general. Maybe if you came up with an organizational system that would be easy to use for everyone, you could skip the whole computer issue. “If I were to propose a partnership, what would you require from us? If you agree to it, that is.”
Safiya ponders for a moment, playing with the pen in her hand. “I’d want a temporary contract. You’d have three months to show us that your bookstore proves its value to the libraries. Otherwise, no dice. Deal?”
“And then?”
You sip on your iced soda as you walk along the docks with Roboro and Odile. “And I took the offer. I didn’t really have another choice.”
“Sounds like you handled it really well though,” Rob commends.
“Agreed.” Odile takes a drink from her own tea. “You managed to change her mind. It could be argued that’s a feat in it of itself.”
“…I don’t know how I’m going to pull this off.”
“I mean, now you have a reason to stay with the bookstore instead of your original plan, right?”
You nod. “It buys me some time, I hope. Unless Patricia finds out and sacks me before I get the chance to prove myself.”
“You’ll figure it out.” You want to believe Roboro, you really do, but this could have some serious consequences if you mess this up. “You always do.”
“Eventually.”
Odile snorts. “Still. You have three months.”
It doesn’t feel long enough. “Can some of that confidence rub off on me, please? Because my brain is not being nice to me about this.”
Both of them are quiet. You catch a look shared between them - one of confusion from Odile, and the other of…something else.
“What?” Did you say something wrong?
“Sorry,” Odile says quickly. “That’s just…I’ve never heard Siffrin talk about their issues like that before.”
“What, separating me from my head?”
She nods. “Mine had a similar problem. He used to have a lot of doubts about himself, even if he was quiet about it.”
You recall the obsessive thoughts, the compulsions, the ways you’d try to take back control of your garbage situation - yeah, that checks when paired with a concerning lack of communication. “That sounds about right. I still do, I think. I’m just trying to learn how to fight it instead of caving in all the time.”
“You’re talking about it though.” You catch a small smile from Rob, recalling when the two of you sat and talked about the last time your head was being particularly nasty. “That’s a really good start.”
“And more than Siffrin did in my timeline, that’s for sure.”
You smirk up at her. “Speaking of timelines and us being from alternate places, did you ever pick a new name like we did?”
Odile’s brows furrow before something seems to click. “Oh, like what Odile would call me?”
You nod. “I went by Loop.”
“Easy to remember,” she nods. “I can see that. I went by Tokiyori for a time, and then I came here and was asked to use a more ‘normal’ name. So it’s Taeko for now.”
“And you’re okay with that?” Roboro sounds more like Isabeau right now with the way concern lines its voice and features. “We can call you something else if you want.”
She shakes her head. “No. I’m not Odile anymore. I know that much.”
Taeko shows the two of you around downtown, pointing out seafood places to avoid along with her favorite spots. You and Roboro tell her about Amonwood and how quiet it is in comparison to here. Her response?
“Nope. I tried there. Could barely spend a night.”
“Really? I find it calming.”
Taeko looks at you with a conflicting glare in them. “I just found it unnerving. It’s too dark over there during the winter.”
Oh. The House. “Ah, I see. Rob told me that this place is a different climate.”
“It is. It’s…very odd. But it’s nice to know that you two are so close by.”
Rob smiles. “We have to organize a game and drinks night.”
Drink? As is-!!! “As in booze?”
You tried to hold back your excitement, you really did, but your attempts simply earn you a snort. “Yes. There’s a liquor store here.”
“They have good vodka. And wine, surprisingly,” Rob compliments.
You don’t like the taste of alcohol, but man you miss being drunk. “Can we stop by on our way out?” You give Roboro the biggest puppy eyes you can muster.
It only laughs at your attempt. “Sure. I need to restock my pantry anyways.”
You really don’t want to leave Taeko again, but she insists that unfortunately she does have an evening job balancing books for the local tattoo shop that she has to get to.
“Boring,” Rob teases flatly without a smile.
“Slacker,” she smiles back. “I can’t do this weekend, but I’m willing to travel to you for the next.”
“Good enough for me,” you grin.
You watch her write out her address on a spare sticky note that she apparently keeps in her pockets. “There’s my address and phone number. I will ask that we keep to letters. The phone is emergencies only. The ringing drives me crazy otherwise.”
You giggle. “Snail mail only, got it.”
She passes you the note. You stick it in your pocket to put on your kitchen counter later. “Well, I better be off. You two take care of yourselves, okay?”
“We will,” Rob reassures before opening the door to the carriage. “After you.”
It’s after you've both waved goodbye to her when you witness something…interesting.
Roboro takes a deep breath, and lets its face fall. All of the muscles strained from its smiles relax. It’s suddenly back to its usual, almost-cranky self, even if it’s getting less grouchy around you.
You gape at it. “Were you faking all that!?”
It flinches suddenly, as if just remembering you were there. “…no…”
Your eyes narrow.
“Not all of it,” they say a little more honestly, a sheepish grin growing on their face. “I was happy to see her. It’s just…smiling all the time is tiring, y’know?”
Oh, that’s right! The loops were more emotionally taxing on him than you, even with your false perma-smile you’d put on. You pout. “I cannot argue against that one.”
It snorts. “You do it too, sometimes.”
“Yeah?”
It nods. “When we walked into the library. You got this look on your face, but you smiled right after. Like it was a panic response.”
Huh. You don’t recall doing that, but it does sound like something you’d do. “Sounds about right. I didn’t know.”
“Mhm.” Roboro leans back against the cover that’s been tied upright for shade against the setting sun. “So you don’t get to yell at me about it.”
You did raise your voice at them, didn’t you? Stupid, stupid, stupid! You shouldn’t have hurt Roboro like that!!! “Sorry,” you mutter, looking away.
A pause sits between you for a good few seconds. “I was joking,” it responds, its voice a tad more gentle.
“It didn’t sound like it,” you respond honestly. You hope you don’t come off as prickly, or sharp, or-
“Loop,” it coaxes. You’re tempted to look up. “You know if there was a problem between us, I’d tell you. Right?”
…is he serious? That urges you to look him directly in the eye.
It suddenly snorts. “Okay. Yeah. Maybe Isabeau earned that look.”
You gave it a look?
“But I’m not him anymore. Not really.” It turns back to its normal, serious self. “And we talked about hard things before. Within the week, actually. I know it’s an adjustment to trust other people, but…” It sighs. “I hope you know that I mean it when I say that I will tell you if something is wrong. Okay?”
You don’t believe them. You’ve never believed anyone when it came to statements like this. And you were proven right every time. Because there is something that’s always a never-ending kind of wrong - you.
You hesitantly nod. It doesn’t look satisfied. “What are you thinking of?”
Oh, you are not divulging your problems in a moving carriage. But you need to be honest!!! You’d be a hypocrite if you weren’t! What’s something that you can share that doesn’t feel as raw? “I can’t read you.”
It cocks its head.
“You…Isabeau was always predictable. All of them were. I knew what their lines were by heart. But coming here and meeting you has thrown a wrench in how I perceive others. I’ve learned that I take a lot of things at face value. And whenever I try to read the subtext, I always get it wrong.” It comes out more freely than you expect. “I don’t know what other people are thinking of me. And it’s really frustrating.”
Their brows are furrowed, but their eyes are still soft. “I…didn’t know that you cared.”
“Of course I care. I’m still learning how to live in this world, but that doesn’t mean I want to look like an idiot while doing it.”
“Nobody thinks that about you.”
You give it a very strong I-don’t-believe-you-but-whatever stare.
To your mental state’s dismay, it doesn’t budge. “I’m serious. Patricia wasn’t lying when we heard her say she wants to keep you. She respects your work. Says you’ve adjusted really well. She talks about you to Clyde a lot.”
Oh! That’s…a little concerning. “Good to know,” you say hesitantly.
It smiles at you. “If it makes you feel better, I have a similar issue. It’s why I was always so scared to talk to anyone.”
You feel your shoulders relax. “Yeah?”
“Mhm. Completely paralyzed me as a kid. I tried to fake it till I made it, but…”
You think of Stardust, of yourself, of control. “I think I understand.”
It nods, silent for another moment before it looks at its shoes. “I wasn’t lying earlier, by the way. I wasn’t always masking around Taeko.”
“What was real,” you ask, curious.
The light in its eyes that you found missing returns for a few moment. “When I hugged you both.”
Your chest swells, and, for the first time since entering the carriage, you smile.
You spend all three days of your weekend cleaning your house.
It started innocently enough with you scooping the litter box before you noticed the underside of the bathroom sink and recalled the supplies inside the kitchen cabinets. Five hours later, you found yourself having deep-cleaned the bathroom, the bedroom, and the laundry room with no company other than the voices compulsively making changes to your to-do list based on what you find, and Tank, watching you innocently lose your mind over some dust.
Roboro called you once to ask if you were doing better on Saturday night. It was just a simple chat, but it meant a lot to you. There’s a few things about it that remain the same from before the loops, but it’s so quiet in comparison to how you remember Isa. Loud and brave, you recall. Now it seems to like talking, but it definitely doesn’t go out of its way to do so. You felt a tad honored when it did for you.
You considered going and finding it at the Farmers Market just to say hi, but you concluded that it might be too soon for that behavior. You’ve only been talking consistently for a week. And it’s watched you cry during most of that time. A lot.
You cringe. You really need to get it together.
Your panic over the library fiasco has since subsided. Safiya told you that the paperwork to officiate your three-month contract would be in the mail by Monday, and if you catch the package before Patricia does then maybe you can sit her down and explain yourself properly. Maybe take your, “you’re fired immediately for your recklessness and also I only tolerated you this whole time and man it’s so nice that you only agreed to a month of employment,” with the little dignity you have left.
Since then, however, there’s been a different issue keeping you up. Tanks been acting strange since you came home on Thursday night.
She’s normally a cuddle bug that eats like a caterpillar and chirps happily whenever you greet her, but lately she’s been more reclusive. She’s been trying out new spots to sleep in, but can’t keep comfortable enough to sleep more than fifteen minutes at a time. She didn’t settle down until you eventually went outside, found a cardboard box, and filled it with towels and blankets in an attempt to make her a little more comfortable. And then you found her trying to move the damn thing, not resting until it was in the darkest corner of the closet.
You knew something was really wrong when she refused her dinner. You hear her now, chirping and kneading restlessly into the towels you’ve given her. A low hum of anxiety has been keeping you up late into the night, screwing your chances for a potentially difficult work day going smoothly. It doesn’t help that you know in your bones that you’re getting fired. You just don’t know if you’ll be able to afford a veterinarian bill on top of it.
You hate not knowing. You hate not being in control. You can’t tell if Tank is in pain, but her behavior is showing that something is seriously bothering her. You just wish you could help.
You close your eyes, take a few deep breaths, and try to sleep.
The nightmares are back. Three of them in a row, this time. One of you being dragged into a grave, another of you being shoved into the river, and the last being a person, the face switching between Stardust and your old family members, that took one look at you and chose to bash your head in with a brick.
You awake with a headache, and a heavy sense of dread. Tank seems to finally be asleep. You drag yourself to the bathroom and to the kitchen to perform your morning routines, careful to not wake her.
You’re still rubbing your eyes while you watch Patricia unlock the front door to the bookstore. “You sleep okay?”
You shake your head honestly. “My cat’s acting weird. Kept me up all night.”
Patricia gives a hum as a response.
…you’re already screwed, aren’t you?
You spend the first few minutes of the morning distracting yourself with opening procedure until you hear the bell ring, signaling a morning coffee.
“Morning Miss Pat!”
A chipper, younger voice hits your eardrums. Roboro isn’t in today? Wait, no, there’s a few of them. Rob mentioned that they normally rotate every week. You try not to be disappointed.
“Good morning James.” She sounds just as tired as you.
“I brought an extra. Robert practically demanded I do,” you hear them chuckle.
You turn the corner to see a young man on the darker side with lightless waves standing next an extra cup of coffee and a cardboard container. “That’s probably my fault,” you try to smile.
He jumps a little, but smiles back at you. He sticks out a hand. “James.”
You shake it politely. “Luca. I smelled coffee?”
He passes over a familiar cup. “You smelled correct.”
You carefully open the lid and blow on it before taking a sip. It tastes perfect. “Thank you,” you manage quietly. “Did you make these?”
“Nope. Rob took over on coffee before I left, so that’s all them.”
Oh! You try to not melt on the spot. “Please thank them for me, then.”
“Of course. There are also these for you and Miss Pat to share.” James opens up the box to reveal-
“Pumpkin bread!!” Patricia’s excitement reverberates off of her body, energy filling the room. “Is Clyde’s or Sam’s?”
“Sam’s recipe, but I made this batch. We made like four loaves so we figured you two could have the heels.”
You smile. “Thank you! I don’t think I’ve met Sam yet.”
“You’ll meet him next week. He’s a bit of an ass, but he’s good at what he does. Sorry Patricia.”
You snort. “She’s said worse.”
“Snitch!” You turn to see her tearing a bite off of one of the pieces with a frown on her face.
“Sorry,” you grin. “But you have a worse potty mouth than I do.”
James gives her an exaggerated gape. “Wait till your husband hears about this!”
You and James share a glance before you two burst out giggling. You think you like him! You wonder if him and Rob get along.
“I see you two are ganging up on me,” Pat teases.
“I would never,” you grin. “I do have to get back to work though. Good to meet you James.”
“You too!”
Patricia waits until James leaves to bring it up. “Before we start to get busy, can I steal you for a moment?”
You freeze up. “Coming!” There’s a part of you that knows it’s not about the library. You didn’t see the package by the door today. So, maybe it’s because it’s your last week here?
Either way, you’re screwed.
You take your coffee and sit in the back room, waiting for Patricia to hang up the Be Back in Five sign and meet you inside. Your heart nearly stops when she brings in what looks to be a paper pouch big enough to fit the contract from Safiya. You swallow.
“Y’know, I haven’t gotten any of the libraries within fifty kilometers to let me work with them in over fifteen years. So imagine my surprise this past weekend when I got this!”
Yup. She has the contract, right there, in her hands. Dread encumbers your whole body.
Patricia smiles as she looks over the paperwork. “I thought it was a rude prank until I saw your name as the one who requested it. Odd that it’s only three months, but if that’s what you could manage, then I’ll take it.”
She doesn’t…sound angry. “You’re not mad?”
Pat gives you an odd look. “Of course not. This is a fantastic opportunity…” Her voice trails off at the look on your face. “Alright, you look like you’re on the verge of tears, what’s going on?”
Your shoulders hunch. “I overheard your conversation last week. With Clyde.”
Her eyes widen. You look away.
“And I panicked. I know I’m supposed to leave this week for a new place to work, but…” You sigh. “I think I like it here. And I don’t know if I’ve learned enough to move to another job. Contacting the library was Robert’s idea. So, I figured if you did still want me to leave, I could try to help you out a little. I’m sorry if it did more harm than good.”
Patricia is quiet for a moment. “Luca,” she finally says, her voice thick. “I thought I was going to have to fire you until this came in. You have no idea how much of a help you’ve been.”
The fear curled in your stomach begins to unravel. Relief floods you. “So I can stay?”
“If the library keeps their end of the deal. Why only three months, though?”
“That’s all I could get from Safiya. She tried turning me away at first, but I didn’t budge.”
“You…convinced Safiya to change her mind.”
You nod.
“And you succeeded.”
You nod again, finally looking up at her. “She seemed more interested when she found out you weren’t working alone anymore.”
Patricia blinks. You recognize a familiar sadness wash over her features before she covers them with a smile. “I see. Well, we’ll take what we can get.” She approaches you and squeezes your shoulder. “Good work, Luca.”
It is then, and only then, that your fears wash away entirely, and you feel safe again.
The dread comes back when you walk into your house and find dead silence.
“Tank?”
She normally greets you by running circles around your feet, having adjusted to being an indoor cat extremely well.
“Baby kitty? Baby girl?”
You call out, but there’s no answer. No chirps, or meows, or…anything. You set aside your keys and your bag, and start to walk around the house. You don’t find anything until you get to the box in the closet and-
You pause at the sight. Curled up inside are four soft tufts of fur nestled against your missing Tank. You count four sets of tiny paws and noses and closed eyes. You watch one of them yawn.
You exhale.
Tank opens her eye, gives a slow blink, and begins to purr up a storm. She’s laying in a pool of soaked-up blood. There’s too much for your liking.
You inhale.
You reach over with a shaky hand, and stroke her little head. Was she always this small? Because the more you look at her, the more you realize just how small she really looks. Young, exhausted, and determined. Just like you once were.
“Good girl, kitty. Baba’s gotta go.”
You stand up and leave them in the dark.
Your heart is pounding.
You scramble through the junk drawer for scrap and a pen.
You feel faint.
Your vision is blurry by the time you reach the phone.
…you can’t panic. You can’t crash out yet.
You dial Roboro’s number.
Chapter 9
Notes:
TW: Gore
Chapter Text
“Hello?”
“Hey, it’s me.”
“Oh, hi! How’d everything at work go?”
You try to speak quickly. “It was good, do you by chance have the number of the nearest vet that can come to the house?”
Rob takes a moment to take in the rapid fire that you just spit into the phone. “Yes??? Is Tank okay?”
“I don’t know,” you sniffle. Stop crying around Roboro!!! “I, uh…Tank wasn’t fat.”
“Huh?”
Your words come out a jumble with barely a breath in between. “Nope, Tank wasn’t fat, she was knocked up and now there are kittens and there’s a lot of blood and she looks really small and I’m wondering if she’s actually a large kitten and I think I might have taken in a teen pregnancy while recovering from pneumonia.”
There’s a healthy pause on the other end before…oh, stars, Roboro is cackling. Like had-to-set-the-phone-down-to-take-a-minute-to-relearn-how-to-breathe levels of laughter.
You bite your lip in frustration, and to force yourself to not snicker with it. “Rob, I’m being serious!”
“I know, I know, I’m so sorry,” it manages, coughing away from the receiver. “Holy fuck, I don’t think I’ve laughed that hard in years. You cannot catch a damn break, can you?”
A new swear! Giggles and a few tears escape you. “Will you focus please? I really need that number!”
“Okay,” it breathes. “I’ll be right back.” It sets the receiver aside and goes out of your reach, leaving you to collect yourself for only a few moments, before returning. “Alright I’m here, you ready?”
You call the vet and explain your situation through deep, controlled breaths. Rob short-circuited your brain enough to where you weren’t right on the edge of a panic attack, but you were a few feet from it. Either that or you were fooling yourself and were right in the eye of the storm. Both feel applicable when you eventually hang up, clutching your chest. A wave of nausea hits you.
You rush to the bathroom, and pause at the sight in the mirror. The star in your chest pulses with fear through your shirt, glowing on-and-off erratically with your heartbeat. Shoot, you can’t let the vet see this!
There’s a knock at your door as you pull on a cardigan and wrap it tightly around yourself. You answer with a smile you summon from your looping days. “Hi there! Are you Dr. Virgil?”
“It looks like Mama’s all good.”
Those words put every racing blood vessel in your body at ease.
“You were right about her being on the younger side. Maybe eight or nine months old? Her vitals all look fine though, and the kittens are nursing. You said you had no idea?”
You shake your head. “She hid under my porch during a storm last week, and I lured her in with food.”
“Well it’s a good thing you did!” Dr. Virgil smiles at you. “And the food you’ve been giving her is a good choice. The cardboard box was a smart call too. You did everything right. You’ve got good instincts!”
Oh no, a genuine complement! You can’t run away! “Th-Thank you,” you force out, trying not to throw up in your mouth.
Dr. Virgil packs up his things. “We’ll mail you a bill later, alright? For now, just keep an eye on them and bring them into the clinic in about two weeks.”
“Noted. Thank you for stopping by.”
You wait until he leaves to relax your cheeks, rubbing your jaw from the ache your false smile caused.
The panic is gone. So is the glowing. Your chest hurts. Your eyes burn. You sniffle.
You curl up at the end of your bed, laying on your side and hugging a pillow, and watch the kittens nurse through the open closet door. Tank looks satisfied, purring at your presence.
“You did a good job, Mama cat.”
She gives you a happy chirp before looking down at one of her babies and deciding that they needed a rough cleaning on their head.
You snort. “…I’m sorry I wasn’t here.” You sniffle, and wipe your face once more. Stars, you haven’t been able to stop crying for almost two weeks now. What is wrong with you!?
“Loop?”
Rob’s voice makes you jump. You quickly rub your eyes. “Come in.”
It peeks into your bedroom with a worried expression. “Hey, sorry I barged in. I saw the vet walk out. How did everything go?”
“It went good,” you respond quietly. You force yourself to sit up, fighting your swirling head, and rub your eyes. “It’s been a day, though.”
“Yeah?” It comes in and sits next to you. “Did you tell Patricia about the library?”
You nod, hugging your pillow closer. “She got the contract before I could.”
“Oh!”
“Yeah. That was fun to explain,” you force a laugh.
Rob isn’t smiling. “So, your job…?”
“I’m keeping it. Apparently Pat hasn’t gotten the library to work with her in fifteen years.”
You catch a quirk of its lips. “Wow. Good on you.”
You nod. “And then I came home to this. Had a good panic, called you in the middle of it, and now I’m exhausted.”
“You look exhausted. What do you need?”
“…you’ve already done a lot for me.”
“How do you figure?”
“Well, we’ve known each other for like two weeks and you’ve seen me cry almost that entire time.”
“You didn’t cry on Thursday.”
“That’s not reassuring.”
It snorts. “How about food? I don’t have my wallet on me, but I can call it in for you.”
You nod, slipping off of the bed and reaching under for your shoe box. “Is there Poterian here?”
“There’s something close to it. They have pizza.”
“Perfect.” You hand it a twenty. “Will that be enough?”
It pockets the bill. “Should be. You should take a nap.”
You squint at it. “But you’re here.”
“And?”
“Me sleeping while you’re here is rude.”
“Not if I’m telling you to do it.”
You sigh, and lean against the side of the bed. “What if I don’t wanna?”
“Oh, you wanna,” Rob responds with a slightly serious face. “Sleep deprivation is no joke, and you’ve had quite the day.”
“Speak for yourself. Have you seen the bags under your eyes?”
It’s a little quiet at that. “…if I nap with you right now, I will fall asleep for the night,” it admits.
The star in your chest flickers at the thought of being curled up next to Rob for the evening. “Don’t you have tomorrow off?”
“I do. But I still have to take out Moose.”
Ah, that’s right. You huff. “I do not guarantee a nap. But I will try.”
Roboro sighs. “I’ll take it.” They begin to step out of the room as you close your bedroom shades and crawl into your bed. “If all else fails, I’ll come get you when pizza’s here.”
“Mkay.” You listen to it close your door, and exhale.
Rob was correct about you being exhausted; you were out like a light within minutes. You wake to the sounds of kittens squeaking and the smell of cheese.
You sit up a little. You’re groggy, but…there were no nightmares. That’s a comfort. Maybe it’s because you knew Rob was in the other room? You yawn, big and wide, and wiggle out of the covers, and-
Cold. You slide back under, keeping yourself warm. Why is it so chilly?
You brave the biting crisp for the sake of the kittens and hunt down any cracked windows to close. You check the thermostat and turn it up. “Rob? Still here?”
The little house is quiet. There’s a light on in the kitchen with a hot pizza sitting on the counter. You spot a tiny note that reads Be back in ten-ish in…Vaugardian.
Well that doesn’t make any sense. You’ve been watching books translate themselves in front of your eyes for a month now. Why won’t this one…oh, no, there it goes. The words muddle and change into your constellation-based language. Why does it do that?
What is wrong with this town, this Universe? Maybe you and Rob could talk about it over food.
You lift up the pizza box lid and smile at the sight of plain, broiled cheese. It smells heavenly. You take a small piece out, and bite the crust off first.
Rob walks in the door right as you’re chewing your first bite. “Oh, hey. Sleep okay?”
You nod, and cover your mouth to chew and swallow. “How long was I out for?”
“Less than an hour. Why…are you eating it backwards?”
You look at the slice in your hand, half the crust gone, and shrug. “S’pose I’ve always eaten it this way. The last bite leaves an impression. I don’t want to waste it eating the worst part.”
An amused smile quirks on its face. “I guess that’s a reason. Mind if I have a slice?”
You take a step back and motion towards the box; you watch it set down a small bag, and accept your invitation.
Roboro takes a bite and gives a happy hum. All of the muscles in its face relax instantaneously. It looks younger, closer to the age when you last met its counterpart. Happier. Maybe even a little relieved.
You wonder if eating good food is part of why Rob is working at a bakery, and not the tailor’s or the clothing store. Or maybe there’s something else…
“You’re staring.”
You flinch. “Sorry. Just…why do you work at a bakery?”
“Hm?” It drags its thumb over the corner of its mouth and sucks it clean.
You try not to watch. “There’s a clothing store and a tailor’s in town. I would’ve expected to find you working there, not at a bakery.”
Rob seems to think it over for a minute. “If I’m being completely honest? It’s easy.”
You blink. That’s not an answer you’d expect from him at all. “Seriously?”
“Seriously. When I first came here, I…” It hesitates, pausing to take another piece. “I was a mess. I just needed a job. I had an apprenticeship back home before I had to leave, but the ones here didn’t pay enough to save up for a down payment on a crash pad. So I took the bakery job.”
You sit on the couch. Maybe tonight’s not the night to hash out what you both know about the rules of this world. Rob takes the pizza box and joins you. “How do you like it?”
“It’s nice. A little mindless. It’s still numbers and chemistry, but only enough to keep my brain engaged. It’s very fulfilling though. Borderline therapeutic sometimes. Definitely the best choice out of what I had.”
“Huh.” You obey your grumbling stomach and follow suit. “But why did you come here?”
Roboro pauses. A wave of sadness seems to flow over it before it quickly steels its expression. “That’s a longer story for another day.”
You huff. “You said that last time.”
“And I meant it. It’s not exactly a happy tale.”
…the thought alone of any possibility as to why Roboro had to leave a family they worked so hard for is nauseating. “Maybe when we aren’t eating.”
“Maybe.”
You let it sit in the quiet noise of the two of you eating your fill. You’re too hungry to push it.
To your surprise, the reason Rob left earlier was to make arrangements with its neighbor to pet-sit Moose for the night.
“You don’t have to stay if you don’t want to. I already had a good nap.”
“I know.” You try to not watch it take off its hoodie to hang by the front door. “But I’m also struggling with sleep, and I’ll try anything at this point.”
You smile to yourself. Good to know you’re not the only selfish one here? “Well, I still have to get up for work in the morning, so the alarm clock will be on.”
“That’s fine. I get up early anyways.”
You close up the pizza box with a few slices left inside and stick it in the fridge. “How early are we talking?”
“Like five in the morning.”
You visibly wince, closing the door before watching it dig through its bag. “Oi. And I thought getting up at seven was early.”
“Sometimes I sleep in until eight on the weekends, back when I could sleep.”
An extra three hours? That’s odd. “When do you go to bed?”
Roboro pulls out a toothbrush and some paste. “Maybe eleven at night? It’s hard for me to wind down.”
You think for a moment. “How much coffee do you tend to drink?”
It pauses. “Enough to get me through the day.”
You smile at it. “Which is how many cups?”
It tries to not smile back. “Probably more than recommended.”
You snort into a series of giggles. “I think we’ve found your issue.”
“It wasn’t always like this,” it defends, heading for the bathroom in your bedroom.
“Yeah, yeah,” you back off. You don’t need to rub it in its face that you triggered its nightmares.
Like it read your mind, it comes out of the room a minute later with the toothbrush still in its mouth. It points its finger directly at you. “This is not your fault, by the way.”
Oh. Oh, that’s disturbing. Your face scrunches into one full of disgust at its knowledge. “How well do you know your Siffrin?”
“Pretty well,” it responds with a half-smile before going to spit in the sink. “We used to live together.”
Half of your brain immediately panics. Are you…taking some other Siffrin’s Isabeau? No, no, no, that’s ridiculous. You’re not Siffrin and Isabeau anymore!
But still. It being able to read you from the other room is something you’ll have to get used to. You still can’t believe you’re that predictable. “Do you think I could change in your bedroom?”
You snap out of it. “Let me get into the bathroom first.”
You close the door behind you with a small click and a sigh of relief. You’re wiped. Still, the hour-long nap helped a lot.
You look in the mirror, and take a deep breath. Slowly, your night sky reappears on you your body, starting with your fingertips and ending at your neck. You watch your scars and freckles cover up, your hair returning to its natural glow, with a satisfaction. You’ve grown to miss them during the day, even on the days where you wear long-sleeved shirts and only disguise your hands.
You change into your pajamas, an airy nightgown with shorts, and try not to think about how this new body is the closest thing you have to a piece of your home.
“Alright, I’m decent.” You come out to see Roboro in…oh!
The only things covering it are a pair of shorts and a familiar tank top. Stars speckle its skin like a fresh galaxy, but its and feet and calves are oddly human-looking. Its facial hair and eyelashes look different though; fluff puffs at the top of its head, lined with relaxed tresses in the form of leaves cascading down its shoulder blades.
It takes you a moment to realize that its staring too. “Does your hair…glow?”
“Is yours a flower head?”
It quietly snickers first. You follow suit, crawling onto your bed. “Are we sharing covers?”
“We don’t have to.” You pull your restless waves over your shoulder and begin to braid them. “There are blankets in the hall closet.”
They nod, and immediately go to grab one. You pretend you’re not a tad offended that it wouldn’t trust you enough to share, but it has only been a few weeks. Barely.
It comes back with a blanket and pillow under its arm by the time you finish. “Do you normally sleep on that side?”
“Mhm.” You pick out the pillow you always use for your head and place it behind you. “Tank, here kitty kitty!”
Tank obeys, hopping up on the bed and giving you a few happy headbutts.
You giggle and respond with sweet kisses. “Are you better now, Mama?”
She replies by making biscuits with her feet and purring up a storm. However, it doesn’t take long for one of her kittens to squeak and call her back to her litter.
You frown. “Good job, big kitty.” You flop back and sigh dramatically. “You will be missed.”
Rob gets comfortable on the other side of the bed with a smile. “You really need to rename her.”
“I’ll get there when I get there,” you groan, turning to face it.
It snickers. “Are we keeping in theme with that one guy? Leonardo whatever-the-hell?”
“Da Vinci,” you correct. “And I don’t know. Have any ideas?”
“…Copper?”
You snort. “From the copper horse???”
It grins. “Sure!”
“That was supposed to be huge too,” you giggle.
It clicks its tongue and rolls its eyes, earning more snickers out of you with a smile. “We’ll workshop it.”
“‘We’? She’s my baby, thank you very much.”
It pouts. “I get dibs on one of the kittens when they’re old enough.”
“Please do,” you laugh. “Give Moose a very tiny buddy.”
There’s that smile again. Your star flickers. “He would love a little friend to potentially trip over.”
It takes a deep breath and a half for you to calm down from your laughter. You yawn. “You tired?”
You glance over to see Roboro curled up around its pillow, holding it close to its chest, with its head propped on another. Its sleepy gaze meets yours in a comfortable smile. “Yeah. Goodnight?”
Cute!!! “Goodnight,” you smile back.
A little thing that you remember from the loops is whenever you and Isa shared your bed in the Clock Tower, Isabeau would always roll away from you; Rob, however, is unmoving as it yawns and closes its eyes for the night, still facing you.
You tend to lay on your back to sleep, but you force yourself to get comfortable on your side for Rob’s sake. You watch it breathe for awhile before slowly closing your eyes to fall into a dark slumber.
You awaken to crying. It’s small, as if attempting to shrink itself, but it’s very much there. You peek open your eyes.
Rob’s on its back, its head turned away. It’s shaking. “No,” it mumbles. “Sif, Sif wake up, please-”
You reach out a hand, and firmly grasp the arm closest to you.
It jumps, but you don’t let go. You hear little sniffles, and watch its free hand move up to wipe its face.
“Are you here?”
Roboro turns to you. Its eyes are puffy. “Yeah.”
You yawn, still half-asleep, and let go of it to wiggle yourself to be closer.
They turn back over, facing you once more and hugging their pillow. It strains to speak. “You’re alive?”
“Mhm. So are you.”
You watch it blink for a moment before it sighs and scoots over to be next to you.
It’s warm! You greedily let your arms touch through your blankets with a yawn. Your eyes flutter close.
“…Loop?”
“Hm?”
There’s a pause. “Sorry, it’s nothing. Thank you.”
“Mhm.” Your head tilts forward to almost touch the pillow Rob is holding, but not quite.
The sky is bleeding.
You don’t know the name of it, but you do recall that it’s shade that reminds people of death and violence. You see lightless cracks that reminds you of when Stardust lost his mind and nearly broke the Universe apart.
There’s blood dripping from them, falling to the ground like rain drops. It tastes metallic on your tongue.
The rooftop of the House is crumbling. The cover overhead is gone. You look out upon the remains of Vaugarde.
There are no screams, no noise. You can’t hear the birds chirping or the whistle of the wind. Everything is dead or frozen.
The weight of silence makes the sound of their voices much more jarring.
“Sif…”
“Siffrin!”
“Frin!”
“…Siffrin.”
You don’t turn. You know it’s them.
“Buddy…”
“Won’t you turn around? Please?”
“Yeah! Look at us!”
“It’s the least you could do, after…”
You turn to snap at Odile, but are cut off by your own gasp. Their faces and bodies are mangled by marks and stab wounds.
“Sif.” Isa’s voice is gargled by a deep cut across his neck.
You rush forward, and try to stop the bleeding with your hand. “Nononono-”
“Shhh,” he manages. “It’s okay.”
“It’s not, it’s not, it’s not!!!” You’re panicking at this point. “You’re-!”
“Dying?”
Odile’s voice makes you turn to her. Her body is covered in bloody dots. “We guessed that.”
“It would help if a certain someone didn’t ditch us.” Mirabelle’s arms are covered in cuts you used to self-inflict. “Must be nice to take the easy way out.”
You’re about to defend yourself when you see Bonnie’s face.
A large gash cuts over their left eye, bleeding into their mouth.
You don’t wait to hear what they have to say.
You’re up and running and stumbling in the dark and thank the Universe you made it to the toilet bowl in time because you just vomited the entirety of your dinner in one fell swoop.
You cough, and breathe deeply. You hear the sink turn on, then off. A cup is held out to you. “Swish and spit. Drink slowly.”
You take a piece of toilet paper and wipe your mouth before accepting the water. You obey its orders, spitting into the toilet and flushing it promptly. “…that was new one,” your voice creaks. Normally you just wake up screaming.
“What happened?”
Your resolve shakes at the thought of blood gushing out of Isabeau’s neck and Bonnie’s eye. “Gore. More than usual.”
“Hm.” You feel a hand stroke the top of your head. “I’m sorry. Can you stand?”
You set the cup on the counter and use it to brace yourself. Your legs don’t wobble. “Yeah.”
Rob loops a pinkie through yours, and wordlessly leads you back to bed. “Get comfy.”
You listen and curl up in your old spot as it moves around in the dark. It sets an empty trashcan by your side. “…thank you.”
“Mhm.” You can hear the exhaustion in its voice. Roboro gets back in its original position, save for a hand that finds yours to hold in a gentle grip. “Night.”
Your racing heart calms at the touch. “…g’night Rob.”
Chapter Text
You wake the next morning snuggled next to Rob’s…leg? Hip?
It’s sitting upright and leaning against the headboard, one of your nonfiction books from the living room in hand. You rub the sleep from your eyes. “Morning.”
“G’mornin’,” you mumble.
“Sleep better?”
The taste in your mouth leftover from last night makes your nose crinkle. You groan, and dig your face into your pillow. “The vomit thing was not fun.”
“Didn’t look like it.”
It takes you a moment to realize that Roboro’s fingers are in your hair, silently stroking your scalp. “…you didn’t sleep at all, did you.”
“No, I did. More than I have in a few weeks, actually.”
Oh! “That’s surprising. Sorry I woke you up.”
Its hand lifts to turn the page before going back to its original spot. “It’s alright. How are you feeling?”
Your throat is a little raw. You try to clear it with a cough and- ow. Your abs hurt. “Sore.” As much as you want to lay here and let Roboro gently pet you like a stray, your alarm is going to go off and burst your eardrums any minute from now. “Can I go turn off my alarm clock?”
His hand retreats like he’s just touched a hot stove. “Sorry.”
You snort. “You’re good.” You roll over, and check the time. You’re forty minutes early! “…nevermind.” You turn back, and assume your original spot. “We’ve got time.”
“How long?”
“Over a half hour.”
“…is that worth trying to fall back asleep for?”
You yawn. “Not really. But we can talk a little, if you want.”
Rob goes quiet instead. For awhile, actually. It slips one of the many bookmarks you’ve made out of scrap paper between the pages, and closes its borrowed book. “Would you want to get coffee instead? Maybe some breakfast?”
“Isn’t the bakery closed?”
“They’re not the only coffee joint in town. Have you been to Drew’s Diner yet?”
The diner is nothing like the bookstore. It’s not loud per say, but it certainly isn’t quiet either; you can hear the bustle of cooks and servers behind the bar a few booths away from the corner you two picked out. You enjoyed hearing your shoes click against checkerboard tile on the walk over, the wall lined with framed photos of gods and other deities you don’t recognize.
You two didn’t speak much as you both got dressed in separate rooms. Neither one of you brought up Roboro touching your hair again, and you didn’t speak of how its been slowly seeking more contact with you. It’s warming up to you faster than you expected.
You can’t put your finger on it, but something is up with it. It acts distant with you around others, but when you’re alone? You can get it to smile in almost every conversation you two have. It seems to genuinely like touching you. But right now, you’re both in public, which means you’d be lucky to get more than a couple of words from it; currently, the two of you are quietly drinking coffee in each other’s company, having placed your orders a few minutes ago.
“I have a weird question for you.”
Rob looks up from its mug. “Sure.”
“Can I take a good look at your…um…” You lower your voice. “Disguise?”
It blinks in surprise, but otherwise doesn’t change its expression. “Have at it.”
You set your elbows on the table to sip on your heavily-doctored coffee, and look up. Its thinned its eyelashes out, no longer looking like the smaller petals found in the center of a cushion chrysanthemum. Its hair falls over in waves instead of the fluff you fell asleep looking at. You count the freckles on its cheeks, measure the curve in its jawline, follow the growing puff of a goatee turning into a beard.
“Are you almost done?”
You blink, broken out of your trance. “I can be.”
Oh, their cheeks are dark! How adorable. “Please.” You watch Rob hide behind his mug a little, earning them a giggle. “If you find it so funny, then I can give you the same treatment.”
You smirk. “I don’t mind. Have at it.” You get comfy with your coffee, and look out the window to count the trees in the distance.
It’s another moment or two before you feel its eyes on you. Its gaze travels from your hair down your cheeks to your collarbone. You’re wearing a shirt that’s a lower cut than you’d like, but you need to wash your turtlenecks. You know in your gut that it’s staring at the faded scar across your neck.
You feel like a termite that’s crawled under a microscope, covering valuable bacteria that could save lives. Disgusting, callous, manipulative.
“You have freckles now.”
You glance over at Rob. “Sorry?”
“Your freckles. Did you always have those?”
You shrug. “I don’t think so.” You take another sip. The smell of hashbrowns and pancakes fills the diner.
“They glow.”
“…they do?”
It nods. “At night. Your hair and your freckles glow.”
Oh! “That’s good to know. I’ll have to make sure they’re dim before I leave the house.”
“Smart.”
Another thick silence. Why are things suddenly so awkward!? You’d think Roboro literally watching you vomit would break the ice a little! “Why are you so quiet with me in public?”
It’s brows furrow before jumping up in surprise. “Oh! Well…” It thinks for longer than your ego can take. “I don’t know, actually.”
So. Not. Helpful.
“Whenever I see you in public, I’m pretty tired.”
That’s not…actually, hang on. “So, you’re out of spoons?”
Rob’s face finally fully changes from an overall neutral expression to one of borderline bewilderment. “What?”
“It’s called the Spoon Theory.” Patricia told you about it yesterday after your conversation about the library, which ended up rolling into one about how you two were both handling life currently. “The idea is you have a set amount of spoons for the day, and everything you do takes some spoons away. Certain tasks like going to work and hanging out with friends take more than things like showering. And if you do overdo it, it takes from the next days spoons.”
It blinks, then visibly ponders over what you’re saying. “How many do you get a day?”
“Depends on your energy level and how you feel when you wake up. On an average day for me, I have about ten spoons.”
Its brows bunch once more, staring down at its coffee. “That…explains a lot.”
You snort. “Right? Pat told me about it yesterday. I think I may need to start using it so I can stop melting down all the time.”
There’s no laugh. Not even a snort. “Me too, I think.”
“Have you been overworking yourself?”
It nods a little, still not looking at you. You’re about to ask for clarification when the food arrives, courtesy of a nice waiter.
Seeing Roboro’s plate of toast with a cup of fruit and a side of bacon reminds you how breakfast in Vaugarde was always too light for you. You’re much more excited for your stuffed eggy toast with over-easy eggs and sausage links. “Thank you!”
“You’re welcome,” the waiter says with a small giggle. “Enjoy.”
You wait until they walk away to dig in, savoring every bite. You hum happily, purposefully stopping at the halfway point with the goal of packing it up for lunch later.
The look on Rob’s face when you look up from your meal gives you pause. There’s a gleam in its eye that’s filled with a sad nostalgia and something else that warms your cheeks.
“Something wrong?”
It blinks, the look not entirely gone, and shakes its head. “Is it good?”
You try to give it a smile, and pretend that you’re not a little concerned. “It’s perfect.”
After a bickering - and a victory! - over who was paying for breakfast, Rob quietly walked you to your work and left you with a very nosy Patricia.
“So. I’m assuming things between you and Robert are working out?”
You’re glad you’re facing away from her to hide your blush. “It’s not like that.”
“Uh huh.” You can hear her smile. “Walking you to work on its day off is nothing then?”
“…we had breakfast. It was showing me the diner in town.”
“Oh, Drew’s? Is that what’s in your to-go box?”
“Yeah,” you smile. “It was really good. Planned on having the rest of it for lunch.”
“Ah, I see.” You hear her scribbling something down, probably writing the newest orders in the registry. “How’s your cat?”
You did mention her yesterday, didn’t you? “Better. Turns out she wasn’t fat though.”
“Oh…oh!” A series of giggles escape your boss. “How many?”
“Four.”
“Oh, that’s lovely! Congratulations?”
You chuckle alongside her. “Yeah. They’re cute. Still don’t know what I’m gonna name them.”
“What’s her name?”
“Tank. But that’s being workshopped for obvious reasons.”
She grinned. “Well, what’s something you like?”
You think about the stars. “What’s the study of the stars called…?”
“Astronomy?”
Astronomy!!! “Yeah. That.”
Patricia pulls out a book from the shelves behind her. “How advanced are you?”
“Just getting started,” you lie.
She walks over and hands you a hardcover. “This should cover the basics then. Return it when you’re done?”
You blink, and take the book. “…yeah. Thank you.”
You make sure Patricia is busy with a customer before you go to the back room and look at your temporary prize.
The cover is crawling with stars and swirls and pictures of constellations. You know that, logically, this book is completely disconnected from your home country. It will have nothing on the Universe, or stories that you grew up on, or guides for the holidays you used to celebrate. There will be no information of your home island in this book.
But it’ll have the stars, and the planets, and everything else in between.
You want to open it so badly.
The phone ringing makes you jump out of your skin. “I got it!”
You end up cracking it open after dinner.
Sitting on your bed, you skip past the index and come across the introduction page. It has a person on it that kind of looks like someone you’d run into at home, next to words that you know weren’t originally written in your language but are spelled out in constellations…you keep turning the pages.
There is no headache, not yet.
You manage to read late into the night about the stars that slowly begin to pop into the sky. Being in the Northern Hemisphere versus on the equator means that you can only see half of them, but you’re grateful either way. You pinpoint Draco and Cassiopeia and Mars and Uranus and…Jupiter. It’s big and bright and fills your chest with a warmth. You recall Jupiter having four moons.
Tank comes up and sits on the book in a very subtle call for attention. You carefully pick her up and give her several kisses, which she returns to clean your cheeks. You’re not surprised. You’ve been crying tears of joy and relief for a good minute now. “How’re your kittens, Mama?”
She purrs and nuzzles you. Her babies are asleep.
“What about Jupiter? I know we’re supposed to be leaning away from names that mean big things, but…”
You scratch behind her folded ears. She gives a big yawn, showing off the freckles inside her mouth and on her tongue, and leans into your touch.
You smile. “But He has four moons. Four children. What do we think?”
She gives you a lazy chirp and headbutts your lips.
You smile, and give her a kiss. “Jupiter it is.”
“So. Jupiter and her baby moons?”
You, Taeko, and Roboro agreed to meet at your house awhile ago to catch up over brunch and cocktails. Rob’s currently on the floor with the kitten box in the middle of the living room, looking inside with large eyes. “I thought we were avoiding big things for names.”
“Yeah, but Jupiter has four moons, and I thought it was fitting. She comes when called to Jupiter too.”
“Does she?” You can hear the smile in Taeko’s voice. “That’s cute. How are the cocktails coming along?”
You finish topping off each glass with a bottle of sparkling water. “Just finished!” You top your drinks with a curled orange peel, an apple slice, and a piece of leftover sage from when you were making the syrup. You bring them over, serving Taeko first.
“What is it?”
“They’re called Harvest Apple Ginger Spritzers.” You pass Rob its glass. “Genuinely considering calling them HAGS instead.”
Roboro, to your surprise, snickers. “Thank you. Looks delicious.” You watch them both take their respective sips and hum. “Oh, that’s dangerous.”
You hear Taeko snort. “It’s very good. Are there enough ingredients for more later?”
“There are!” You go back to the kitchen and bring out the little breakfast platter you made to put on the coffee table. “And here’s brunch!”
The two look over their options. “Breakfast charcuterie, huh?” Taeko picks up a tiny plate and fills it with fruit and a few sausages. “How’d you score figs?”
Roboro perks up. “There are figs?”
You smile and pass a slice of one to Rob. “You made fig cakes a while back, and you gave the leftovers to Pat cause they didn’t sell. So I thought you’d like some?”
It pops it into its mouth and hums. “I freaking love figs. So sad they aren’t popular here.”
Taeko takes one too. “Do you guys have a farmer’s market over here?”
“We do! Charlie’s very nice.”
“Loop stole a bunch of their peaches once.”
You gape at Roboro and its loose lips. “Rob!!!”
“What? It’s true!”
You hear Taeko snort. “So what’s the story behind that one?”
You get comfy on the couch with your booze and snacks, and begin to chatter about how you got here. You’ve just started when she interrupts-
“Wait. Stretched the leaf? What do you mean?”
Your brain struggles to respond. “Um. Like. Stretching taffy? Rob help.”
“Nope.” Its cheek is propped up by a hand, arms folded over the edge of the couch. “You never told me this. Explain.”
You groan dramatically. “Okay, okay,” you start, sitting up. “Gimme something that isn’t from this house.”
The two look around; Taeko eventually hands you another fig slice.
You snort. “That’ll do. Let’s see if I can still do it.” You pinch one end to hold and squeeze the other. A familiar tingle fills your fingers as you begin to pull, pull, pull it out and away from you. You stop when it’s several centimeters longer than before, and pass the world’s biggest fig slice to Roboro. “Have a present!”
It gapes, silently taking the piece and snapping it in the middle to look inside. “…it’s the same structure.”
“Yep. Can’t make it stronger or weaker, but I can make things thicker or thinner.”
It pops a bite-sized piece into its mouth and hums happily. “Tastes the same too!”
Taeko snorts. “Is there anything else you can do?”
“They glow in the dark,” Rob replies for you absentmindedly. “Does that count?”
“Ha! Sure.”
You roll your eyes. “Anyways. Can I get back to my story?”
“Yes, yes, go on.”
You’re thoroughly tipsy by the time you’re done talking. You don’t leave anything out, save for Rob sleeping over this past week, keeping Taeko’s attention completely.
“Wow. You’ve had a crazy couple of months, huh.”
“I have,” you laugh. “Poor Rob has been dealing with me crying all the time.”
“We only met a month or so ago,” it softly explains, its head resting on the couch behind it. “It’s been fun though. Enough going on back-to-back that we’ve just started laughing at the crazy.”
“You’ve started laughing at the crazy.”
It smiles. “How can I not? You’ve gotten yourself into some pretty strange trouble.”
You hope the smile is real and it isn’t still masking. “Speaking of trouble…”
“Oh boy.”
“How much would I be in if I asked you two what your powers are?”
“…do you have a houseplant?”
“No?”
It gives you a lazy - drunk??? - grin. “Then you’re in a liiiittle bit of trouble there.”
“Ugh. Taeko?”
You watch her down the last swig of her cocktail. “I can hide in shadows.”
The two of you both perk up at that, sitting up straighter to watch.
She sets down her glass on the coffee table and carefully stands up. You watch her inhale, then reach out and-
It happens in a blink. One minute she’s standing by the mantle, fully formed and solid, and the next she’s dissipating into black smoke and seeping between the wall and the painting behind it.
You gape. “Holy shit!”
“‘Holy shit’ yourself,” the room echos. “You need to dust more.”
You hear Roboro almost snort their drink. “You might be more equipped to get the harder spots than they are m’dame.”
You hear the click of her tongue. “You might be right on that one.” Taeko solidifies on the other side of the room, next to your bedroom door, with half-effort jazz hands. “…ta-da.”
You and Rob both give a polite clap or two with giggles abound. “If we go outside, can we see yours Rob?”
He sighs dramatically. “I guess. But we can’t get caught! It’s the middle of the day, and if someone sees us we’re screwed.”
Taeko crinkles her nose. “Yet another reason I don’t like this place.”
You do your best to stand up on wobbly feet. “Can we move the kittens back into the closet before we go?”
Roboro sticks out its hands for you to pull it up off the floor. “Smart idea. Help?”
After some shuffling and a few chin scritches for Jupiter, the three of you head out the door and turn towards the trees by the beach.
“I’ll give this place some credit,” Taeko says after awhile. “The woods here are quite nice.”
“They are. Sonny kept telling me it was a miracle that I survived in them, but I never got any bad vibes.”
“Speak for yourself.” Roboro seems to have sobered up quite a bit during your afternoon stroll.
“Gives you the creeps?”
“That’s one way to put it.” Rob stops at the edge and looks around before kneeling. “Cover me?”
You and Taeko stand behind and around him, looking over his shoulder.
Roboro blows into its hands and rubs them together. You spot floating dots surrounding its fingers as it reaches to a wilting flower to touch soft petals. The plant begins to flourish, dusted in what you now recognize is glowing pollen.
“Whoa,” you whisper.
“Agreed,” Taeko mutters.
Its shoulders seem to relax. “Well, so far so good. Maybe it won’t happen this…time…”
Goosebumps crawl on your skin, a chill hitting your spine. You feel like you’re being watched. “Rob, what happens whenever you go into the woods?”
“Um…I-I don’t know how to describe it.” Roboro stands up on shaky legs and backs up.
Your anxiety spikes. If you were all sober, or even just a little buzzed, this would be a non-issue, but right now you know damn well that you aren’t equipped to fight anything. You feel Taeko grab your wrist. “Let’s not find out?”
You chain-link an arm with Rob’s. “Agreed!”
You all rush back to your house without another word. “Okay,” you try. “Let’s try again. What exactly happens when you walk into the woods?”
“I already said-”
“To the best of your ability,” Taeko pushes. “Please.”
You move to make more cocktails while Rob sits on the couch, defeated. “…it’s a kind of dread. Like I’m being followed. And I’m not the only one, apparently. Clyde says people have disappeared in those woods.”
“That’s what Sonny told me too. And while we’re on the topic of this place, what’s up with the language change?”
Taeko turns to you an odd look. “Explain??”
“Whenever I try to say shit, I…okay, that. S-T-A-R-S. I say that in the context of a swear, and it comes out different.”
Rob nods. “Same with fuck. And God. Drives me insane.”
She looks between the two of you with a raised eyebrow and a concerned tone. “Why do you two still live here?”
You make eye contact with Rob, then back to her. You both shrug.
She groans before grabbing a few small pancakes from the tray and plopping down next to Rob. “Please tell me there is vodka in my future for this conversation.”
…you add an extra shot to her glass before bringing them all over. “Gonna be real with you Rob, I wouldn’t believe you if I wasn’t there. I felt safe the entire time I was living in the woods, and I never had any issues going in and out of it.”
Rob takes its glass, brows bunched in confusion. “Interesting. And you were never attacked, or felt like you were being watched?”
“Nope. I was in survival mode, but it felt pretty safe. Safer than the Favor Tree.”
“You felt safe under the Favor Tree?”
You take a sip of your drink. “It’s better than the House.” The third floor still haunts your nightmares sometimes.
“…yeah that’s fair.”
Taeko takes her glass and throws it back.
“Goodness m’dame, pace yourself a little.”
“You’re one to talk, you've had three of those and your fourth is already half-empty.”
Oh dear. You might have to be the dedicated sober one. You set your cup down on the coffee table, and sit at the end of the longer piece of the couch.
“I have not.”
“You have. We watched. Loop?”
You snort. “I wasn’t counting, I was a little busy drinking my own.” That earns you giggles all around. You make sure to pace yourself between sips. “So I don’t think you ever told us how you got here Taeko.”
She blows air out of her lips in thought, moving her hair out of the way. “Well, I helped Odile. Had a weird dream after blacking out about wishing at the Favor Tree again-”
You perk up! “Me too!”
Rob blinks. “Me…three?”
Taeko smiles. “I wished to go home, and I woke up where I started. We beat the King, took Bonnie home, and we broke off afterwards.”
Your gut sinks. “And…?”
“And I left. Went Universe-hopping. Found this place maybe seven or so months ago. Haven’t been back since.”
Rob gapes at her. “You’re kidding!”
“Nope.” Another swig. “I was in that time loop for way too long. I stopped seeing them as real people worth fighting for, and that wasn’t fair to them in the slightest.” She looks down into her glass. “Don’t get me wrong, I miss them, but…I’m not a liar. I’m not going to pretend to be there for someone and be mentally checked out every time we talk.”
…you kick your urge for sobriety for the sake of safety and throw back your glass. You forgot how blunt she could be.
“Careful there,” Rob says quietly.
You swallow, and wince at the burn. Her brutal honesty hurts worse. “I’ll give you points for telling the truth.”
When you open your eyes, you find Taeko looking at you with a gaze full of regret. “I think I’ll go back one day, but not any time soon. I’ve only been away for maybe a year or so. I think I just need some time.”
You nod. “That’s…kind of what I’m doing, I think.”
She cocks her head. “You never went back?”
You shake your head. “Not yet. I will, but…” You were in there for ten years, almost eleven with Stardust’s contribution. “I was also in there for awhile. Needed a break.”
“And stability,” Roboro agrees. “I wished to rest at my dream-Favor-Tree-thingy.”
Taeko raises her eyebrows. “And?”
“I slept for weeks and woke up in Seedling’s Vaugarde.”
She snorts. “Well, that’s good. I hope that was enough of a refresher for you.”
“It was! I went home after a year, broke out of my time loop, and enjoyed the family the best I could.”
“But if that’s the case, then why are you here?”
You lean forward. Please, please, please, you’re so curious!!! It’s been so tight-lipped about this particular topic!
But you watch it happen in real time once more - the light leaving its eyes, its shoulders becoming a tad more hunched, its hand gripping the hairs on its arms. When Roboro shuts down, it shuts down fast. “Can that story be for another day?”
You’d be lying if you said you didn’t want to wring it’s neck a little; you look away instead.
And yet, Rob is just too damn perceptive. “I promise I’ll spill it eventually. But right now I just want to get drunk with my friends and pretend we’re normal.”
…okay. That’s fair. You nod, and sip. “Alright. But I’m holding you to that.”
Chapter Text
It’s the third week of October when the kittens begin to open their eyes and ears.
You barely have the energy to work and/or talk to people with how busy these little babies are keeping you! They’re starting to move and crawl, much to the dismay and worry of Jupiter. She keeps trying to corral them, to make them settle down to sleep at bedtime, but you imagine herding four cats into one spot is much more exhausting for someone her size, so you occasionally step in to help her. That’s not even mentioning the litter box training - that thankfully did not take long - and the thorough kitten-proofing of your house.
Through all of that good, there’s one negative that's still eating at you; the nightmares are getting worse.
There’s always blood, tears, or the smell of Wish Craft. Any gore wakes you enough to throw up into the little trash can Roboro originally brought to your side of the bed. You haven’t shared it with him since that first night. He doesn’t need to see you like this again.
You don’t want to go to a doctor. You don’t want to have to explain the night terrors that fill you. So, you’ve gotten creative.
For the past week, you’ve taken a shot or two from the bottle of vodka Taeko gifted you before bed. A fourth of it is already gone. In turn, you sleep the whole night, but wake up with a hangover every time, even if you only have a little bit.
You’re rubbing your eyes when Roboro walks in to give you your Monday coffee. “Everything okay?”
You nod. “Just tired.”
“Still not sleeping well?”
“…yeah. What about you?”
It shrugs. “I’m seeing a doctor for it tomorrow. Hopefully something comes of it.”
You don’t look it in the eye. You know what you’re doing isn’t smart. So why are you hurting yourself? Why do you have to be so stupid and forgetful? You take a sip of your coffee and force yourself to smile and look up. “I wish you luck.”
Rob’s neutral gaze doesn’t shift in the slightest. “Loo-Luca,” it corrects.
“Hm?”
It cocks its head to the darkest corner of the bookstore. You lead the way, avoiding the people already coming in. Business seems to be booming enough for Patty’s Pages to have a high turnover in books, leaving you with your work cut out for you!
“What is it?” Even with its blank expression, you can still tell you’re in trouble.
“Would you like to do another sleepover?”
You blink in surprise. “…are you sure? Even with last time?”
It nods. “Will the kittens be okay with you being gone for a night?”
You nod. “Jupiter is really good with them. They’re crawling a lot though.”
It smiles a little. “I’ll have to stop by when we’re both not so busy.”
“You will. They’ve opened their eyes and ears too.”
Rob’s eyes light up. Cute!!! “If I pick you up from your house, do I get kitten cuddles?”
You grin. “Not yet. That’s another three weeks from now.”
It gives a semi-dramatic sigh. “Damn.”
“Just gotta be patient.”
“Yeah, yeah. What day are we thinking for the sleepover?”
You ponder. “You get up early for work, so it’ll have to be on one of your days off, right? I don’t want to be in your house alone.”
“It’s my turn to run the market cart on Saturday. I get up at six forty-five on those days.”
That’s not too bad! “You open the cart at eight?”
“Eight thirty. Gotta stop by the bakery to transport the goods.”
Makes sense. “So would Friday be my best bet?”
“Probably.”
“Then Friday is is,” you confirm.
“Luca?” Patricia’s voice catches your attention. “Where are you?”
“In the depths,” you call out. “Never to return.”
“Ha!”
You turn back to see Roboro grinning. “I’m glad you two get along.”
“We drive each other crazy, actually.” You begin to back away down the hall. “I’ll see you Friday?”
It rests into a comfortable smile that makes your heart sing. “See you then.”
The week comes and goes with you battling headaches and the organization system you’re trying to implement. You got the idea to use note cards and a shade-code system from Taeko, who helped you make an outline before leaving you to work on thoroughly ravaging the log book. The first few days were the easiest with new orders coming in, but now you’re realizing exactly why Safiya has something called a computer keep her books in order. Paperbacks and hardcovers are flying on and off the shelves so fast that you tend to spend the last hour of your shift shelving boxed copies to keep the bookcases full.
Was the library helping business with you being able to take on the phone? Absolutely. Was it killing your sanity? …absolutely.
“You know you’re supposed to be packing, right?”
You’d spent the last two hours on your living room floor, trying to sort out notes and cards and information while battling the reigning terror of Jupiter’s Clan, when Rob knocked on your door to pick you up. You, like an idiot, had practically forgotten that you were crashing at Rob’s tonight and didn’t start packing in the slightest. You rub your face, the letters becoming blurry on the page. Your eyes hurt. “I’m almost done, I just need five minutes.”
Rob, propped against the kitchen counter with a canned drink in its hand, gives you a raised eyebrow. “Loop. Buddy. You said that fifteen minutes ago.”
You’re trying to read what past-you wrote down when the note card in your hand disappears from your grip. “Hey!”
“Hey yourself.” Rob quietly picks up everything off of the floor, keeping the pattern you’ve been making, and sets it into a nice pile. “Your eyes are glazed over and your notepad is collecting dust. You’re done for now. Got it?”
Sure enough, the ink on the papers organizing your ideas is dried out enough to have long lost its gloss. You huff. “I can finish this!”
“I know.”
“…I can finish this today.”
“No you can’t.”
You pout. “Proof.”
“I have been watching you read and adjust the same three cards enough for me to wonder if you’ve lost your vision. We’re picking up dinner, and then we’re going to my place. Now where am I putting this?”
Your brows scrunch. How did it know you were hungry? You didn’t know you were hungry until it brought it up! “Fine. The kitchen counter, please.”
Roboro’s apartment is on the second floor of a townhouse that’s tucked right beside the tailor’s shop, facing a grass meadow and a chunk of the forest off in the distance, and has stairs steep enough that you have to hike up your skirt like you’re a princess climbing her castle. “Alright, before I open this door, I need to warn you about Moose.”
Oh no. You clutch the bags of takeout. “Is he aggressive?”
“No, thankfully. But it will feel like he is. He doesn’t meet a lot of people outside of walks.”
When Rob turns the key to unlatch the bolt, you’re met with exactly what you’re expecting and more; a large dog that’s almost as tall as you are, with black fur crawling down his shoulders, sits on dark hardwood floors illuminated by lamplight from plain sconces on the wall. Roboro’s apartment is moody, almost modern, with vintage elements and hardwood bookshelves holding very skinny packages. A variety of self-help books and romance novels are neatly organized on the shelves. You watch Moose approach you, the door still open. “What type is he?”
“Crossbreed. Great Dane and Saint Bernard.”
No wonder he’s massive! You let Moose sniff you until he huffs and trots off, curling up on the plush couch. You step inside.
“He’ll get used to you.” Roboro locks the door behind you both and goes into the kitchen to get some plates. You follow to set the bags on the counter. “…so. What do you think?”
You pull out the boxes of Drew’s Diner goodies. “Of what? Moose?”
Rob smiles. “Of my place.”
You smile back. “It’s cozy. And not boring as hell like mine.”
“Do you want to listen to some music?”
“…you can do that without a band?”
A look of excitement fills its features. “Check this out.” Roboro walks over to the side table and opens a lid to reveal a contraption with a circle and a wand. “What do you want to listen to?”
You blank. “Um. What’s available?”
“Everything.”
“…what’s your favorite?”
It thinks for a moment before going to the shelf and taking out one of the thin packages. A picture of a man with the word Radiohead inscripted on the case hides a black disk. You watch Rob set up the contraption to-
Oh! Oh, that’s delightful! “It plays music?”
“It plays music.” Roboro is smiling bigger now, the song a comfortable volume for you to talk over it.
You take a moment to listen anyways. “I’ve never heard anything like this before.” And yet, you’re tapping your fingers along to the beat and smiling like it’s going out of style. You think you like it!
Rob’s star flickers for a moment. “It’s good, isn’t it?”
You nod, feeling your star flicker too. Your cheeks grow hot. You turn and begin to open the takeout boxes to hide the heat emanating from them. “So what did you pick out?”
“A couple of sandwiches. Came with soup and fries as sides. I have some very ugly cake scraps in the freezer for dessert too.”
You snort. “Do you often steal from your job?”
“With permission. Normally I take a bowl to work if I know Sam is frosting. Fill it with all the cuts, a scoop of frosting, and the assigned cake filling. Lasts me a week.”
…it’s talking more around you. You didn’t even have to dig for details. You can’t stop smiling as you pick up the soup cups and set them aside. You open a serving of what looks to be a Poterian meatball sub, then a pulled pork sandwich, both with portions of sweet potato fries.
"I know you don't like regular potatoes, so I asked them to substitute with whatever they had."
How sweet! “What soups did you get?”
“Pumpkin soup, and something called French Onion soup, which looks and sounds exactly like Vaugardian Cheese soup.”
“Huh! Are we splitting things up and sharing?”
“We can.” Rob gets a knife out from a kitchen drawer and cuts each sandwich in half. “Can you get some ramekins for the soup?”
“Um.” You look around. “If I were a ramekin, where would I be? Also what’s a ramekin?”
You hear Rob snicker under its breath. Rude! “In those bottoms cabinets. Find the corner one. There’s a moving shelf that spins.”
You obey, and come across a trove of what you can only assume is specialty baking equipment. You assume that if you’re putting soup in it, it must be a small bowl of some kind that isn’t clearly a sifter.
“You finding it?”
“I’m looking.” You eventually find short, porcelain cups with ridges on the sides. You hold one up. “Is it this?”
“Yup. Well done.”
You grab a second one, close up the cabinet, and stand to pass through the drawers and hunt down some silverware. “Grabbing spoons, do we need anything else?”
“I don’t think so.” Rob turns to you and takes the ramekins off your plate. “Thank you.”
Universe above, you suck at being thanked - and at receiving compliments in general - but hearing it from Roboro is a new kind of hell. Your gut flutters. You force out a response anyways. “Y-You’re welcome.”
It doesn’t respond, simply turning to dish up dinner. You watch it take a sip of the pumpkin soup. “You’ll like this one.”
“Oh?” You dip your pinkie into the now half-empty soup cup and take a taste. Pepper and garlic and a warming spice you can’t place dances on your tongue. “Ooh!”
And there’s another giggle from Rob that makes the star on your chest flicker once more.
You think this might be the longest amount of time you’ve seen it smile for.
Rob’s dinner table is actually the coffee table, a low piece you recognize as Ka Beaun, with tall pillows to comfortably sit on. You originally wondered if Moose being able to reach the food so easily would be an issue, but you were proven wrong when you watched Rob give him some wet food before dinner; after he was done, he completely ignored your meal and simply curled up on the couch to watch you in particular eat, like a hunting dog pointing out prey.
But you’re not uncomfortable. You and Rob have been eating and drinking and listening to different kinds of music to explore what types you like. So far you like upbeat drums with the occasional slower song while Rob seems to gravitate towards any guitar that catches their ear in general.
You’ve been having a really good time, other than the fluttering of your stomach every time you make Roboro laugh. What is wrong with you!?
“So what does your neighbor think of all your music,” you joke.
It rolls its eyes, but still keeps the smile that’s been glued to its face all night. “They’re worse actually. I try to keep the music to the afternoons though. Occasionally they go out of town for the weekend and I’ll check up on their cats for them.”
Huh! “Are they cute?”
“Very. Big snuggle bugs. Moose hates when I come home smelling like them.”
You smirk. “What about Jupiter?”
“Actually, I haven’t gotten a reaction from him on that one. He seems chill with her.”
“Good! So hopefully he won’t mind having a kitten for buddy?”
“I’d want them to meet just in case, but we should be okay.”
For the first time since you got here, Moose makes a small woofing noise that makes you jump.
“Moose,” Rob warns.
Then the barking starts. It sounds...familiar. You watch Moose go to the window, and follow him to take a peek outside. You see a raccoon digging through the dumpster behind the tailor’s. “Oh my God.”
“What?”
You snort. “Well, one, it’s just a raccoon, and two, I think Moose and I have already met.”
You recall the story of you going into town for the first time and how a black dog barking through a window scared you off. Rob gapes at you. “You’re kidding!”
“Nope.” You clean up while you talk, throwing away the empty soup cups and stashing the leftover fries and sandwich halves in the fridge. “Me digging through fabric scraps to make clothes was apparently a sin punishable by yelling.” You begin to wash the few dishes the two of you used.
“Make clothes?”
“With my gift, yes.”
When you look up, you’re met with wide, hopeful eyes. “I’m getting a demonstration, right?”
You laugh. “One day. I’ll have to show you what I made. What about you? Are you still into fashion design now that you’re here?”
Roboro takes the clean dishes you’ve washed and begins to put them away. “Yes and no. I still sew, but it’s been a long time since I’ve made clothes from scratch.”
“Is there something else you do instead?”
Its comfortable smile finally seems to fall, returning to its neutral state once more. “…I like to write.”
“Write what? Stories?”
“Design books.”
You raise an eyebrow.
“For sewing designs.”
“Is that something you’ve always wanted to do?”
“It’s a version of it.”
You turn off the faucet and dry your hands. “What did you want to do when you were a kid?”
It pauses. You catch the silent flicker of its star before it finishes drying the last ramekin. “I wanted to be able to start and finish a sentence with another person.”
Ha! How sad is it that you relate? “Okay, I’ll be more specific then,” you chuckle. “What did you want to be when you grew up?”
“…brave.”
Its sincerity gives you pause. Somehow, you’re still not used to Roboro’s honesty, vulnerability, or…any of it, actually. “Well,” you finally say. “I’d say that you’ve succeeded on that end.”
“Thank you,” it responds quietly, heading back to the couch.
You stay by the sink a moment longer, pondering at Rob’s sudden reaction. “I’m assuming neither one of us is a good candidate for childhood-related questions?”
They snort. “No, I don’t think so. I’d have returned them, but I already know the answers.”
“And they were?”
Rob finally looks back over at you. The record has long since stopped playing. “You wanted to survive. No matter what.”
…you did?
Talk while getting ready for bed was idle, but it helped that Roboro’s bathroom wasn’t directly in its bedroom like yours was. You were able to change in it and leave when you were ready, and even have time to snack on some cold fries before you both brushed your teeth.
And now that you’re curled up in Rob’s bed, you can’t help how your mind wanders to your surroundings.
The first thing that caught your eye when you first walked in was the sewing machine table with a foot paddle in the corner by a solid dresser. There are more shelves in here that hold project boxes with one of them even hosting a typewriter. The bed frame hasn’t squeaked once since you’ve crawled under the covers.
It’s nice to see how much Rob has made this little place his home. You can’t wait to give your house the same treatment someday.
A sharp whine pierces your ears, making you jolt. You sit up and look to the corner to see Moose curled up in his bed and whimpering in his sleep. Rob didn’t tell you a lot about him, but, given that he’s a giant senior that it adopted from Skrivenshore, you wonder if he was a working dog of some kind. You slink out of bed, careful not to disturb an unconscious Roboro, and approach Moose with caution.
You watch him kick and cry in his sleep while you bend over and set your palm on his side, preparing to-
Moose’s reaction is instant; you snatch your hand back just in time before he wakes up enough to reach over and snap his powerful jaws. You hold your palms up, a pause passing between the two of you.
You let one down for him to smell your knuckles. “It’s okay,” you whisper. “It’s just a dream.”
He sniffs you. For awhile, actually. You give him both of your hands, letting him go over your starry skin with his nose. His breathe tickles!
You breathe a sigh of relief when Moose spares your fingers from being eaten, choosing to quietly lick them instead. You watch him settle back down as you stroke his ears for another quiet minute.
“Is he okay?”
To your surprise, Rob’s wide awake and sitting upright. “Yeah. He just had a nightmare.”
It’s when you stand back up that you notice it. The energy in the air tingles your skin, filled with anxiety and something heavier that you can’t quite pin down. Roboro’s star is flashing to the beat of its heart; it reminds you of when you were on the edge of a panic attack before the vet came to take a look at Jupiter.
“Are you okay?”
Roboro blinks, like it doesn’t quite understand your question, then inhales. “Yeah.” The rapid aura of the room slowly dies down. Confusion fills its features. “…yeah.”
You give Moose one last scratch behind the ear, then travel back to bed. “Lay down with me?”
It nods. You both get comfortable, facing each other again. “…I thought you were a back sleeper.”
“I can do both.”
Despite how sleepy it now looks, Rob still manages the glare of the century.
“Okay, okay, okay,” you giggle in defeat. You lay on your back and try not to take up too much room.
“You’re going to fall off.”
“Am not.”
“Uh huh.” Rob scooches back against the wall. “There.”
…you reluctantly follow suit, your shoulder no longer handing off the side of the bed. “Are you even comfortable?”
“Surprisingly yes.”
“Good. So what’s bothering you?”
Its eyes widen a little. “Uh. Well.”
You smile innocently at it.
It gives you a raised eyebrow and a hint of a smirk. “What are you doing?”
“Returning the favor. You make me talk about my feelings all the time. It’s your turn.”
It chuckles under its breath. “…I think the last time Moose and I didn’t share a bed was when I first got him. Other than the last time we did this.”
So they regulate each others’ nightmares? You don’t even hesitate: “Do I need to sleep on the couch?”
It blinks in surprise. “No. No, we’ll be okay.”
Hilariously, Roboro ended up being very wrong.
It slept next to you like a baby with barely a disturbance, but you’ve woken up two more times to Moose barking and whimpering in his sleep. You’re half-awake when you make the executive decision to take the pillow you’ve been using, wake Moose up enough to crawl into bed with Roboro, and find a blanket to curl up on the couch instead.
You already miss its warmth. You wonder if it’ll miss yours.
You hug your cold pillow, and get as comfortable as you can.
You slowly wake up to the smell of breakfast. A sizzle and a pop against metal remind you of the existence of bacon. Your stomach growls loud enough to rival the noise, forcing you to sit up and rub your eyes.
The only light that illuminates Rob’s silhouette is the odd lamp over the stove in the kitchen. You wrap yourself in the throw blanket you stole and shuffle towards your sleepover buddy. It has two pans going, one full of bacon and eggs, and the other of eggy toast.
“Hey.” Its voice is…stern?
“G’mornin’.” The yawn that falls out of you proves that you aren’t awake enough to speak like a normal person. “Sleep okay?”
You watch its face shift into an expression that you don’t think you’ve seen from it. “Did you sleep okay?”
You’re pretty sure you just blinked, but not quite all at once. “I think so? What time is it?”
“About six thirty.”
Stars, it’s early. “Why are you up?”
“Woke up to fur in my nose. Now I’m here.”
You snort. “Sorry. I thought I was helping.”
“Helping who?”
Its sharp tone catches you off guard. “Moose?”
Its brows are bunched when it finally looks at you. “…I didn’t kick you out?”
“No! You slept like a log. Poor puppy kept waking up, so I moved.”
Rob’s face relaxes into a realization of some kind. You’re not awake enough to catch it. “Oh. I…I see.” Whatever mood it was in seems to have vanished. “I’m sorry. You can go back to sleep if you want to. And take the bed. Please.”
“Doesn’t the alarm go buzz in fifteen?”
“I turned it off. I’ll wake you in thirty?”
You can’t help but melt at its apologetic gaze. “Okay.” You lean against its shoulder in a short hug before lumbering out of the kitchen, and into its bedroom to eventually fall back asleep next to Moose.
You were awoken around seven fifteen to Rob gently shaking your arm. “Hey, buddy,” it whispered. “We got about thirty minutes.” And then it didn’t say another word to you until you came out of the bathroom in your favorite long-sleeved turtleneck under one of the first dresses you made. “What’s that?”
“…a dress?” Roboro’s seen you in a skirt in the past. How’s this any different?
It bunches its brows and stares at the fabric. “Did you make it?”
Oh! It probably wants to take a look at your shoddy handiwork. But it’s your work nonetheless, right? And besides, the dress is rather cute for something you made while in survival mode. “I did. Do you want to take a look?”
You watch Rob hesitate for a moment, then nod; but instead of asking you to sit down or stand by the couch, it simply kneels in front of you and takes ahold of the bottom. “Where does it connect?”
You originally shaped the fabric to wrap around you and tie together on the sides, one panel in front of the other, but your brain is blanking at the sight of Roboro on its knees in front of you. “Th-There’s a few straps on the inside, and then there are the ones you see here.” You point to the side of your waist.
Rob grazes your waist as it grabs one of the strings. “No hemming,” it mutters under its breath. “No stitches…”
The star in your chest flutters while you watch a finger search for the end of the fabric by your hip. There’s no risk of flashing them thanks to the fabric in front of your legs, but it doesn’t matter; your skin is on fire and your stomach is doing back flips and goosebumps are crawling on your arms and oh Universe when was the last time you’ve been touched with such delicacy, such tenderness, such consideration? You can feel yourself spiraling as Roboro looks at how the fabric drapes across your body.
Its hand drops as it stands back up, very suddenly you note. “It’s a smart design.”
You force yourself to breathe. What just…? “Thank you.”
You catch the hot flush of its cheeks as it quickly turns away. “Do you want breakfast?”
Inhale. Try not to explode. Exhale. Something must be really wrong with you for you to react like…this.
So why does it make your star flicker when you see Roboro react the same way?
“Yes, please.”
Chapter Text
You have to take a moment in the bathroom to try and stop the trembling of your hands before the both of you set off for the bakery, then the stand in the farmer’s market.
You two don’t talk much on the way there. You let Roboro lead the way, staying close by to catch anything unfortunate enough to drop and put them back on the wheelbarrow. It’s still quiet, but Rob seems thankful for your help by the time you two get to the stand and load the goods on the shelves. “I’m so glad it’s the last week of this.”
It is!? “It is?”
It nods. “It’s getting too cold. Tomorrow’s Samhain, too. Apparently the market always closes before then.”
Samhain...? You'll ask later. You look around what you’d personally describe as a metal tin with empty shelves for coffee supplies and fresh bread. “What happens to the cart?”
“Deep cleaned.” Roboro boots up some kind of contraption that whirs and pumps. “Stored away in the shed until next year.” You watch it mess with a grinder of some kind, measuring a dark powder into a holder before pressing it down and hitting a button on the machine. You watch the loud thing run a cycle of spitting hot water, then observe Rob connect the pieces and hit the button again. Pressurized grounds become liquid in moments.
“Coffee?”
“Espresso.” Roboro uses a wand that hisses at you to steam some milk, and wordlessly builds a latte in one of the disposable cups that you’ve gotten used to drinking out of. It smells divine.
You realize it’s for you when you watch him stir in a spoonful of sugar. Rob wordlessly passes your coffee to you and makes one for himself. You don’t break the silence. You just lean against the countertop to close your eyes, sip your warm beverage, and listen to the morning birds chirp with the knowledge that they won’t be here in a week.
You feel Rob staring at you. Your heart flutters.
You open your working eye and rub the other. “…so.”
“So.” There’s the faintest hint of a smile on its lips. “Sorry about Moose.”
You smile back. “It’s okay. He’s a good dog.”
It nods a little, breaking eye contact with you to sip its mocha. “Would it be better to sleep over at your place?”
You ponder. “No. You both need each other more. We split it even.”
Roboro pauses mid sip to look at you with surprised eyes; they melt into something softer right in front of you, making your heart skip a beat. “…okay.”
...you take another swig. The latte warms your stomach enough to rival the heat on your cheeks. “While I have you.”
“Uh huh.”
“I bought tickets to a show.”
“Oh?” It sounds interested! “To see what?”
“Phantom Of The Opera. Have you seen it before?”
“I haven’t.”
“…I’d like a buddy to go with.” You look down at your cup. “If you don’t mind, that is.”
“Not at all. I could use a night out.”
You smile to yourself. “It’s in the theater house over in Skrivenshore. December fifth.”
“That place is fancy.”
Fancy…? Your eyes widen.
Rob snorts. “You can find semi-formal wear by then, right?”
The stars you can!!! “Uh. Well. I can try?”
It smirks. “Let me know if you need my help?”
You smile back. Must it be so kind to you? It’s not like you deserve it. “Yeah. I will.”
You spend the rest of Saturday and Sunday deep in your note cards with Jupiter living in your lap, attempting to escape the newly-grown teeth of her children. You decided it was a good idea to start weaning them through formula and wet food when you realized that she was hurting enough that she wouldn’t let you touch her soft belly.
“Poor Mama,” you crooned on to her Sunday night, listening to the sounds of her kittens lapping up their new diet. “You’ll be okay.”
And a part of you believes it. The other part just doesn’t want to mess this up.
“Hey Patricia?”
James had already came and went with morning coffee and apple pie muffins when you decided to ask her a question that’s been on your mind for a minute. “What’s up?”
You start to open one of the boxes of orders that just came in. “What’s everyone’s deal with the forest?”
You watch her shoulders grow rigid. “…why do you want to know?”
“Because every piece of info I’m given about it conflicts with my experience, and I can’t figure out why.”
Pat turns to you with a sigh. “I heard bits and pieces, but how did you get out of there alive?”
And you sit and tell her almost everything from those three weeks - omitting your new powers and your origin of course - while you start to set up your paper card system in a short, wooden box. By the time you’re done, she’s giving you the same face that everyone else has made.
“So you were unaffected. Completely.”
“Yes.” You aren’t even looking at her at this point, switching between drinking your coffee and documenting the new books on your shelves. “And everyone has been telling me that I should be dead. And granted, I’m wondering if they’re right. I once got too close to the edge with a few friends and we all felt it. I just don’t know why that situation was a sudden exception.”
“That was probably the Beast.”
The what. “…the what.”
Her brows scrunch. “Nobody’s told you?” Patricia sighs when you shake your head. “Well. Why don’t I tell you over muffins?”
“It came here a little over a year ago. I remember when it happened too. Bright, sunny day. Clyde and I were picking mushrooms in Her when we heard crying.”
You squint. “‘Her?’”
Pat nods, swallowing her coffee. “The forest. She’s alive. Some deity that’s older than the cosmos itself came here and decided that She needed to rest for awhile. Nobody remembers Her name, but everyone knows that She’s the woods.”
…wait a minute. Is this the first time that someone in this town has admitted straight-up that none of you are human, other than Sonny?
“Do you know how long it’s been since any of us have heard her voice? She used to sing all the time, and…” Patricia sighs. “Anyways. We tried to get closer to the sound. It wasn’t Her crying, I knew what that sounded like. We thought it was an animal before Clyde saw it.”
“What was it?”
“…a black hole.”
Your brows furrow. “What?”
“A walking and wailing black hole. All of the energy, the plants, the animals around it? Dead.” Pat looks down at her cup. “Clyde said it reminded him of an energy vampire, but I’ve never met one quite that powerful.”
“And then?”
“It didn’t chase us when we ran, thankfully. But things got worse when we went to the Council to warn them. They sent volunteers out to hunt and kill the thing. Some of the most powerful people I knew either came back as dying husks, or not at all.”
A shudder runs through you. Saying you got lucky is an understatement.
“It was strong enough to change the language of the locals, too. Nothing crazy. Just…anything personal to their culture. Specific words translated into something else. All of our language is the same now. And then something happened to the Council itself. They figured out that it feeds off of negative emotions, and figured it was safest if we just didn’t talk about it. Didn’t give it that kind of power. And now we can’t discuss it without a member popping by and telling us to shut our traps about anything that could give it energy, including using any…gifts.”
“Why?”
“So the Beast wouldn’t steal them.”
Wow. “No wonder Sonny shut me down so hard.”
“I’d be careful talking about it in the future. Sonny’s one of the nicer ones. What happened with your friends?”
Guilt twists your insides. “…I asked one of them to show me what they could do. They can make things grow, but I don’t have a houseplant. And the closest secluded area was by the tree line.”
Even though you know Patricia is probably disappointed in you, she doesn’t look angry. “Ah. You learned the hard way.”
“But that didn’t happen to me! I built a whole house with my power and the only thing that stopped me was lightning and pneumonia.”
Her eyes narrowed. “Do you think you’re immune?”
…no, actually. You were there when it happened. You felt something, even if it wasn’t as strong to you as it was to Roboro. “Not entirely. But there’s something weird about it letting me live.”
Pat raises the cup to her lips. “I’ll say. Maybe the woods is finally fighting back.”
And for the next week and a half, you wonder.
Despite the few phone calls that you’ve had with Joel and Maria, this is the first time that you’ve seen your future home in person.
It’s not finished by any means. The framing and base is done, with solid log panels and secure bolts holding everything together. You can see where they’re putting the fireplaces, one per floor stacked right on top of each other. They had to break up the original one and your stone base unfortunately, but not without an apology and a promise to include it in the house somehow.
You take a moment to watch the construction before taking a peek at the woods behind it. Melancholy swarms you. If you knew She was alive, you’d have never agreed to use Her wood to build your home.
You look over at the pile of cut wood, then back to the trees. “I’m sorry,” you whisper.
The wind whistles. You hear a faint humming in the distance. It’s not coming from the construction workers.
…you turn around, and head back to your house.
It’s another week when Patricia asks you to decorate the bookstore for the holidays.
“But we’re barely halfway through November.”
“And? I love Yule, and Clyde refuses to decorate the house. It’ll snow soon. I give you full creative freedom.”
But you can’t think of anything. You’ve poured through pages of Kwanzaa and Epiphany and Diwali so many other celebrations, and the only really consistent things you can find between them is community and light.
…well, you have an idea on how to use one of those things.
It takes you your whole weekend to make them at home.
You haven’t slept. Your vodka bottle is almost finished. You need to go get another one when you have the chance. Maybe when you’re done with this project?
You sneeze into your arm. Perhaps cold medicine is the wiser purchase at the moment.
“I’m gonna run to the bakery and figure out where our morning coffee is, do you need anything?”
You don’t even look up from your papers at the front desk, knowing exactly what she’s talking about. Rob’s later than usual today. “Do I need to wrap any more orders? Shelve anything?”
“Nope! We’re finally caught up.”
Finally. You breathe a sigh of relief. “Then I’m all good. I think I’ll decorate then while you’re gone.”
“Still haven’t answered my question,” Pat smiles. “You hungry at all?”
No. You haven’t had an appetite in almost two days. “…more peckish than anything. Maybe something light, if it’s available?”
“Any allergies?”
“Pineapple.”
“Good to note. I’ll be back!” And like the wind, she’s gone.
You wait until she’s turned the corner to pull out a large jar of paper stars strung together with yarn made from a piece of your first dress, the one you came here with. Some of them are prettier than others. One of the kittens got ahold of one when you walked out of the room once, and got it into the others’ heads that it was a good idea to use several of them as toys. You even caught Jupiter stealing a few and bringing them back to bed. You ended up giving in and making a few paper balls for the kittens to play with while you worked as fast as possible.
You’ll have to invite Rob over to see them sometime soon. You haven’t seen it since your last sleepover, but you’ve called to say hello and chat a few times. The more you talk, the more you realize how tired it sounds. Perhaps you’re due for another hangout? Maybe brunch?
You ponder over how to bring it up as you climb onto a stool and tie up your first row, then your second, and continue like that until the ceiling is covered in paper stars of various shades and sizes. Some of them are even made from newspaper.
You almost fall off your stool as you turn and sneeze into the crook of your elbow. If you get pneumonia again, you’re going to lose it.
You take a deep breath, in and out, and face the stars once more. You let your hands fall open in front of you. The familiar electricity of Craft fills your finger. “Light it up,” you whisper, then clap three times.
The smell of a fireplace fills the room as you watch all of the stars slowly light up the ceiling, combating the dark morning rain pouring outside. You hope Patricia is taking a minute in the bakery to dry from the rain.
You step down and take a minute to look at your work. Your chest swells with pride before the back of your throat tickles and you’re forced to cough into your arm again. You manage to reach your travel mug of water, easing your throat and your lungs.
“Loop?”
You turn at the sound of Roboro’s voice with a bright smile. “Hey!”
But it doesn’t look nearly as happy to see you, looking closer to a wet dog being left outside for hours. Coffee cups and a bag of something that smells divine shake in its hands. You rush forward to take the hot liquid and set them on the counter. “You’re sick.”
“It’s just a cold,” you sniffle. “How’ve you been?”
“Not sick,” it responds flatly, following you to place the bag on the counter.
You peek up at its face. “You have those eye bags again. Do we need another sleepover?” The look in Rob’s eye kills any joking tone you have in your strained voice. “…are you okay?”
It blinks, turning to the few breakfast goodies that it’s unloading. “I kept burning the croissants today. We’ve had to throw out three trays due to my negligence. That’s why I was late.”
Your eyes widen momentarily before softening. “Oh. I’m sorry. Is it just the sleep, or…?”
It nods a little. “The pills are making the nightmares worse.”
You frown. “Come crash tonight. You can take the bed?”
Rob shakes its head. “Your bed is probably contaminated. I get the couch.”
The ache that comes in your chest is involuntary; you were looking forward to sleeping next to it.
What is wrong with you!?
“Smart,” you manage, another cough hitting you.
“I’ll bring bread. And I’ll make soup.”
You smile. “You don’t have to.”
“Yes I do. You love soup.”
You do love soup. You snort. “If you insist. Don’t strain yourself for my sake, though. You clearly need rest too.”
Its brows furrow for a minute. Worry fills its gaze. “Are you sure?”
You nod with a smile. “I’ll be fine. I just need some sleep.”
“Luca, you won’t believe- oh, hi Robert!” Patricia walks in with a little bag of more goodies. Looks like you might be bringing home the extras! “I heard you’ve been out of it today! Are you alright? You’re not getting sick, are you?”
You smile at her concern.
“No, but Luca is.”
You don’t think your face has fallen faster.
“Oh, are they?”
“I’m fine,” you quickly say, putting a smile on. “I just need a good night’s sleep for once.”
“You haven’t been sleeping?”
You don’t even get the chance to open your mouth - “Not at all.” You’re pretty sure that the glare you give it could burn a hole in its skull. Infuriatingly enough, all it does is smile at you.
Patricia gapes. “Luca!”
You flinch. And then cough again.
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
You…shrug. “I have bills to pay.”
She closes her eyes with a sigh. “Okay. First off, you’re taking your coffee and then you’re going home.”
Panic begins to-
“It’s called sick leave. You’ll be fine.”
You exhale.
“And stay home tomorrow too. We won’t be very busy this week until Wednesday’s Book Club.”
You frown. For some reason, you feel like you’ve failed when you’ve done nothing wrong. “Are you sure?”
“I am. Will you be able to get home safe in this weather?”
“I’ll walk them,” Rob offers.
…well you just don’t get a say in this, now do you?
And it’s a good thing you don’t, because your cough is starting to sound a lot worse by the time you’ve stopped by the pharmacy to get some medicine. The pharmacist on site sent you on your way with cough drops, some supplies, a recipe for a soothing hot toddy, and several medical face masks at your request for Rob’s safety.
You unlock the front door without much circumstance. “You should get back to work.”
Roboro hasn’t been farther than half a meter away from you the whole walk over. “I’m not sure if I should.”
“We’re already seeing each other in a few hours.” Plus, you need a hot bath.
“I know, but-”
“Rob. You have a job. Go to work.”
It sighs, defeated. “Just get some rest, okay?”
“I will. I’ll leave the door unlocked for you. See you later.” You don’t give it another opportunity to stall, entering your house and shutting it behind you with a quiet click.
You take deep breath-
Or at least you try to. You’re interrupted by several hacking coughs escaping your lungs. They sound bad, but they’re not wet like the ones you had while having pneumonia. You’ll be okay, you determine, despite what Roboro thinks. But it might suck for awhile.
A soak and a nap call your name. You answer without a fight.
You wake to the comforting smell of aromatics and chicken. Rob’s here? You slept for hours without interruption, and you didn’t even need booze to do it?
You must actually be pretty sick then. Wonderful.
You pull yourself up, wincing at the ache of your ribs and joints. Is it the flu? You pop a cough drop and put on a face mask just in case.
Getting out of bed is an easier task than standing up, eliciting several sharp hums and groans from you as you get onto your feet. You feel like how you did when you first came here. Every muscle in your body sings a tune of grievances, even with your hot bath earlier. You feel lightheaded enough to have to sit back down.
“Loop?”
You’re lucky that you chose a longer nightgown to sleep in, because Rob enters without knocking. “Hey,” you manage. You hold out a face mask to it.
You don’t think you’ve ever seen it look so worried; it takes your offer and puts on the cloth. “How’d you sleep?”
“Good. Just hurt.” You can hear the kittens in the other room. “They’re not giving you too much trouble, are they?”
Rob turns and shows Callisto, the runt of the litter with the loudest voice, clinging to its jeans with vigor. “Does this count as trouble?”
You smile. “Technically.” You peel her off of Rob with a smile and kiss her through your mask. “You cannot treat our guests like that!”
She meows at you in defeat. You both snicker. “Are you hungry at all?”
Not really, but the smell of the broth is making you drool. “A little.” You hold out Callisto to Rob, and watch it stash her in the hood of his jacket. “That’s a good place for her.”
“Io is in there too.” It turns to show you her brother, a darker kitten with folded ears like their mother. “Apparently kittens fit in a lot of places.”
You don’t doubt it. You try to stand again, trying to hide how much pain you’re in.
“Do you need help?”
You’re about to shake your head when your legs give out for you to plop back down on your bed. With a dramatic sigh, you stick out your hands.
You’d hoped to get a laugh or two out of it, but it’s quiet as it helps you stand up properly. “What hurts?”
“Everything. Joints mostly. Might be the flu.” You wince with every step.
It holds out its arm for you to grab. You take it without argument, letting it lead you to the couch in the living room. “Have you taken any medicine?”
“I have a cough drop in my mouth.”
“I mean for the fever.”
You have a fever? Your brows scrunch.
“You haven’t checked, have you?”
You shake your head.
Roboro doesn’t hesitate to use the little thermometer you picked up to take your temperature. You can tell its anxiety is high; you’ve been watching it move quickly between you and the soup on the stove for the past two minutes. “Yeah, you’re feverish alright.” Its voice stays steady, but you can see panic in its eyes.
“Are you okay?”
It blinks at you. “What do you mean?”
You point at its star, beating in sync with its elevated heart beat.
Rob inhales, then exhales. “I just don’t think I’ve ever seen you sick.”
Your eyes narrow. “Not even Siffrin?”
Dread fills its gaze; it quickly stands back up, and walks over to the kitchen. “I think this is done.”
And its odd behavior doesn’t stop there.
Roboro acts weird all throughout dinner, trying to distance itself while also borderline hovering over you. It’s very quiet though. Too quiet for your liking, to the point where it barely responds when you try to initiate conversation. It reminds you of your first few talks with it.
You crinkle your nose. You don’t know how, but you’re going to have to pry an explanation out of Roboro one way or the other.
You’re brushing your hair to braid it when you hear something strange.
You peek your head out of the bathroom, the bedroom door open, and quietly listen. A sniffle, then a motion of deep breathing interrupted by small sobs.
You frown. Maybe Rob’s just having a bad day. You still don’t know why it’s here instead of with Moose. You witnessed first-hand how much he helps it calm down.
You listen to it take a couple for deep breaths. “It’s okay, I’m okay,” you hear it whisper. You don’t know if you should pretend you’re oblivious.
…no. No! It was there for you when you were crying all the time! And now you’ve leveled out a little, you think! It’s been Rob’s turn to have a meltdown!
You finish brushing your hair, and come out while braiding it. “Rob?”
It quickly turns away and puts on its face mask, probably wiping away tears while it thinks you aren’t looking. “Yeah?”
How should you approach this? “If I ask you if you’re okay again, will you answer honestly this time?”
Its shoulders tense up.
You should be blunt, right? “I don’t want to push it, but something’s bothering you…I want to help.”
Inhale. “This isn’t something you can help me with.”
An immediately deflection. Because that’s so reassuring~! “I can listen.”
Exhale. “I’m okay, I-”
“Bullshit.”
It flinches.
“You do not get to sit there and hide your problems while I’m actively trying to be better about sharing mine. That’s not fair.” You’re keeping your distance, even if the only thing you want to do right now is hug it close and wipe its tears and tell it that things will be okay even if you’re lying through your teeth. “I know it’s been a rough day for you, to the point where I’m surprised you’re even here when we both know this’ll blow over with a couple naps and Moose can help you at home. So what’s going on?”
Roboro’s shoulders slowly slump down. “…I’m sorry.”
“For what?” You carefully approach.
“For invading. For…projecting.”
You stand by its side. “Touch,” you warn before placing your hand on its arm. “What do you mean?”
You notice its other hand twitch, almost moving towards yours, until it stops itself. You feel your stomach flutter. “It’s a long story. Can we sit?”
Actually, you’re starting to feel a little light-headed. “Can we lay down instead?”
It blinks at you. “Yeah…yeah. Lead the way.”
You obey, finding your bedroom and crawling under the covers while peeling kittens off of every surface, occasionally taking one out from under the fitted sheets. You get comfy and pat next to you.
Rob kicks its shoes off - it didn’t take them off at the door??? - and crawls in to lay on its stomach. The eye bags you mentioned earlier today look deeper at your current angle. It closes its eyes and sighs into the sheets.
…you give it a gentle kick.
It groans in defeat. “I’m getting there.”
“This is harder than getting Stardust to cooperate. I hope you know that.”
It lifts up its head just enough to give you a legendary glare; you return a cheeky grin hidden behind your mask. “You’re being a little fuck right now, you know that?”
You snicker. “Being vulnerable sucks, doesn’t it?”
That earns you a little chuckle. Success! “It’s never comfortable.” Its eyes quietly relax into that familiar sadness. It looks away from you. “…can you promise not to tell anyone?”
“Of course.”
It takes a deep breath. “The reason I’m here is because my family is dead.”
And you think your heart actually stops for a moment.
“I got about three years with them. I moved in with Sif after traveling for awhile. We both started working. Things were good.” It goes quiet for a moment. “And then there was the plague. Came in on a ship. Some people got sick for awhile, and then we found out it could spread through the animals. Nobody really thought of it much until people started dying.”
You can't breathe.
“It got Odile first, and she’d happened to visit the rest of us while her symptoms lay dormant. I got better. Siffrin didn’t. Neither did the other three.”
...no. No, no, no!!! Why did you push it!? Why do you have to be such a nosy asshole!?
Roboro’s eyes begin to glisten. “I was a mess. Couldn’t even bury them properly. There was a mandated body burning to stop the disease from spreading. All I have of them are their funeral studs, the few recipes Bonbon gave to Sif, and a couple photographs.”
Funeral studs…? Your eyes widen at the sight of three black earrings on its left ear. You recall there being one on its right, too.
Rob lets its tears soak the mask on its face. “I don’t think I moved from my bed for a week before I decided I had to go. Get away from everyone I ever knew and start over. Ended up here, my first and only stop.”
You force yourself to inhale. Here you are, selfishly pondering if going back to the House and your old family is worth it, while Roboro casually lived through your worst nightmare. You must be rotten to the core if-
“And last night, I woke up from a nightmare I have a lot. And old memory. Siffrin sent me out to get us a snack. Something cold for his throat. Told me to take my time and get out of the house for a bit while they were bedridden, and, like a fool, I listened to them. I brought back some groceries and a few iced drinks, but by the time I got back…” Rob’s hand finally found its face, wiping away heavy tears. “Th-They were gone. And that replays in my head every time I close my eyes.” It sniffled. “I don’t think I’ve slept since maybe two in the morning.”
Your exhale is heavy. Your bottom lip quivers. You can’t even speak. “Lord above, Rob,” you manage. You rub your eyes- oh. You were crying too. “That’s horrific. Why didn’t you say something sooner?”
“I didn’t want to be pitied.”
You sigh. “That’s not exactly what I’m feeling over here.”
It props itself up a little more to wipe under the mask. “Hm?”
You try to pick through the swirl of emotions that started to build while Rob spoke. “I think I’m angry for you, actually.” You can’t believe the Universe would do that. Trap them in a time vortex, twice, and then rip away their reward.
For some reason, that makes it laugh a little. “I’m glad one of us is.”
Your chest aches. You want to touch it so badly. You knew you were selfish garbage, but this is a new low, even for you.
“Do you want to sleep soon?”
You nod. “…if we keep our masks on, can we share the bed?” Stupid forgetful selfish idiot what is wrong with-
But they just shrug, like a weight’s been lifted off their strained shoulders. “Why not?”
So you wordlessly curl up next to Roboro, reprimanding yourself for being terrible and thoughtless, and do everything in your power to not grab it and hold it close.
Sleepy-you must be your worst enemy, because you wake up wrapped around Roboro like a boa constrictor.
Well, that might be a tad dramatic. You’re just holding its head. Rob, however, has its arms wrapped around your hips and waist. It’s still in its day clothes, snoring softly through its mask while it holds you close. Probably listening to your heartbeat. You don’t blame it, not after last night’s conversation.
…well. You could do the right thing here, which would be to gently peel it off of you and get up to make breakfast, but you’re still tired. A look at the window tells you that the sun isn’t even up yet.
You shift a little, getting comfortable in your odd position, and try not to think about how close you both are as you close your eyes once more.
Chapter 13
Notes:
TW: Self-loathing? IDK it's Loop man it comes with the service
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
Breakfast was quiet. Simple. Warm.
By the time you were up, the fever had broken. The only evidence of you being sick at all was your sore throat, which was currently being nursed by buttery eggs, soft pancakes, and hot tea. You’re thankful that Rob let you sleep in for as long as you needed.
“You have no coffee here.”
“Nope.”
“Not even instant?”
You scrunch your nose. You don’t know what that is, but it sounds gross.
It smirks. “Look at you, having standards.”
You snort. “Do you mean decent taste?”
Rob hasn’t mentioned how you woke up this morning. You haven’t either. You still don’t know which one of you initiated that. “Do you only drink the coffee that I make?”
You nod. “I have no idea how to make it at home. I’d rather trust you with that swanky machine than end up blowing up my kitchen.”
It nearly spits out its tea in laughter. “How volatile do you think making a latte is?”
“I don’t know! I saw you use that thing in the market cart! It was loud and scary!”
Rob’s still chuckling by the time you pass over a napkin. “I’ll admit, it does bite. But it’s easy once you get the hang of it.”
Maybe Rob will teach you! “You seem a little more animated today.”
The sudden look in its eye tells you that there’s no need to say the nasty part of it all out loud. It wipes its face clean. “Yeah. I…I feel better. I think. What about you? Is your fever back up?”
You shake your head. “Just a sore throat. I should be able to go back to work tomorrow. And you should be able to not have to babysit me.”
It smiles. “I’ll admit, I was being paranoid.”
Yes, you want to say, you absolutely were.
“…don’t give me that look.”
Oh, stars, curse you and your inability to mask around Roboro!!! You quickly try to adjust your facial features.
Rob’s shoulders shake with quiet laughter at your attempt, taking another sip of tea.
“Don’t patronize me!”
All it does is grin innocently.
You smile. Even if your cheeks are hot with embarrassment, this is better than last night. You hate seeing it cry. Even if it’s healthy. Even if it means that it trusts you.
It smiles back. Your heart twists.
You don’t see it again for another two weeks, to your dismay, but there have been a few phone calls here and there to keep you two in contact. Today’s another one of those days where you two sit on the couch and talk for hours.
“So,” Rob starts after a beat of silence. “Are you ready for tomorrow night?”
You blank. You don’t recall making plans for tomorrow nig- OH STARS: “The show tomorrow.”
“Yes.”
You inhale.
“You forgot, didn’t you.”
“No,” you squeak.
A disbelieving snort comes through the receiver.
“Don’t laugh at me!”
“I’m not,” it chuckles.
“Liar!” You look at the clock. “When does Ivy’s close?”
“Around six-ish?”
You exhale. You have…an hour and a half. Maybe. “Crap. Okay.”
“…Loop, do you not have anything to wear?”
“Yes! I do! I just…have to go pick it up!”
You can practically hear it smiling through the phone. “I’ll pretend I believe that for the sake of your ego.”
You roll your eyes with a grin of your own. “That’s very generous, thank you.”
“You’re welcome.”
The two of you take a few to calm your giggling before you sigh. “I do have to go though.”
“I’ll pick you up at six?”
“Sure. See you then?”
“See you then. Bye Lu.”
You feel your stomach flutter. “Bye Rob.” You quickly hang up before you can say anything foolish, and run off to find your shoe box.
You have never stepped into Ivy’s Emporium. Hell, the last time you’d been in front of the store was when you looked at those cute shoes that one time, now replaced with snow boots more appropriate for the season. You have kitten heels you can borrow from the closet, but right now you need a dress. Not a casual one that you can easily make on the fly, a dress. You could always wear a makeshift tux as well, but you think that might be more of a hassle than to just pick out one thing to throw on your body and run.
“Hi, welcome in!”
A woman with long curls tied back into a ponytail and angular features makes you jump, but you try to smile anyway. “Hi there. Sorry I’m in here so last minute.”
She shook her head. “You’ve got an hour, you’re good!”
You smile for real. “Thank you.” You hunt down a rack of dresses and find yourself looking at an array of numbers you don’t understand. What was your size again? You find an article in a size you think is right, then grab the one above and below it. “Do you have a dressing room I could use?”
You’re bigger than you thought.
You’ve been looking at yourself in the mirror for the last ten minutes. There’s a healthy layer of fat growing around your stomach, your hips, your thighs. Your breasts - oh Universe help you - have unfortunately grown a little, but not that much thankfully. Your cheeks are fuller, no longer shallow with malnutrition, and are full of life.
You don’t think of it negatively. It’s just different. And you’ve always struggled with different.
“How’s everything looking in there?”
Not great. The sizes you chose barely fit. “I think I need a size up, actually.”
“What number did you start with?”
You look at the tags. “I started at a four, but I grabbed a six and it barely fits me.”
“Ah, I’ll grab you an eight. Did you pick out that paisley number?”
You frown at the world’s ugliest print you managed to find. “Yeah, but I don’t think I’m buying it though.”
“Do you have a preference?”
“…something black?”
“A little black dress?”
You blink. “A what?”
“Y’know! Something you can dress up or down depending on the occasion. Particularly a little black dress.”
“Alright,” you chuckle. “I’ll give it a shot.”
Her heels click audibly in the empty store on the other side of the curtain. “What’s your price point?”
You look at the money you brought in your coat pocket and quickly count it. “I brought three hundred, but I don’t want to spend all of it.”
“Perfect.” You hear her shuffle some metal hangers around. “What’s the occasion?”
“A theater showing, in Skrivenshore tomorrow.”
“Ah, the Opera House!”
Not a theater house?
“Lovely building, that one. Very historic. What are you seeing?”
“Phantom Of The Opera.”
“Ooh, fun! Okay, I have something picked out for you. I added some shoes I saw on clearance that I thought would fit too, but you’re welcome to ignore those. Incoming!”
A black dress is thrown over the door while a box is slid under. You snort. “Good to know, thank you!” You hang the dress, open the shoe box, and…
They’re the shoes. The shoes. Lightless-velveted, pointy-toed, chunky-heeled, mid-calf boots; the ones you were wanting to save up for before they went out of season and ended up in the clearance rack.
You slowly sit down, take off the flats you’ve borrowed, and pull down the zipper to try them on. You slip your foot inside, and wiggle your toes. It’s comfortable.
You put them both on properly, and stand up to try the dress out. It’s strapless. And swishy! And, if zipped up, you think it would make your chest look flat without too much cleavage.
“Does everything fit okay?”
You picture how you’d wear your hair, what jewelry you’d wear if you could get it on sale, and Rob’s jacket over your shoulders. You’re grinning. “It’s perfect.”
“God damn it!”
Within the many attempts to tame your thick waves in the last thirty minutes, the last hair tie in your possession has died. You sigh at the mirror. Your pair of cheap drop earrings will probably be too hidden for you to wear. At least the black lace shawl you got on sale will still look nice. You almost can’t believe that lady, who you’re sure is just another saleswoman with a good eye, managed to make sure you spent less than a hundred bucks total at her store.
You make one last attempt to brush out your growing hair. At least the Universe chose you to politely dress up like a doll for an hour or so yesterday. You think if you cut another piece off of that one sparkling dress you have, you could maybe make a nice ribbon with-
A knock at the door makes you jump. Is it already six? Comets, you’re still in jeans!!!
“Coming!” You rush out to the living room. The clock says five forty. Oh thank the stars, it’s just early. You open the front door to see Rob in nice slacks and a blazer, embroidered with little leaves and flower petals, and a warm turtleneck. “Hi, you look fantastic, I am so sorry I’m not ready.”
Roboro just snorts and steps inside. “It’s okay. Need a minute?”
“Please.” You rush back into your room, hopping over Ganymede and Jupiter.
“You don’t have to run,” it giggles.
You grunt in frustration, calling out from the bedroom as you take out the dress from the closet and strip your clothes to put it on in the bathroom. “You don’t understand! I have gone through all six of my hair ties, including the ones I freaking made, and none of them will handle whatever the fuck is going on with my hair!”
It chuckles outside your door. “Do you want help in there?”
You’ve got the satin over your head and covering your chest, struggling to reach behind and zip yourself up, when you give up with a sigh. “Yes please…”
You use one hand to pin the dress to your chest and the other to twist and lift your hair up enough for Roboro to reach your zipper without it getting tangled. You turn and make sure you’re standing where it can reach you when you hear the door open.
There’s a beat, a pause, a moment; you feel its eyes touch the curve of your back and stroke where your hair meets your scalp. Your skin grows hot under their gaze.
It clears its throat. “Touch,” it warns.
The cold zipper suddenly moves close to your skin, sending a shiver up your spine and a quiet gasp out of your mouth.
It stops. “You okay?”
Logically, it’s standing as tall as it can behind you, only bent over enough to help, but you swear you can feel Roboro’s breath against your neck. You swallow. “Yeah,” you manage. “The metal’s cold.”
“Sorry,” it mutters. Rob gets you zipped all the way up before it seems to notice something. “Hang on. There’s a clasp here.”
You force yourself to close your eyes and slowly inhale as you feel its knuckles graze your bare skin. Your body reacts quickly; being touched starved for decades is doing things to your…oh, Universe, are seriously getting aroused from Roboro touching your blinding back!? You slowly exhale. Hot shame fills you. Heat pools in your gut.
Greed for more overcomes it. “Okay. Done.”
You open your eyes and let go of your mane. “Thank you.”
“Of course. Hair?”
Hair indeed. You grab your brush, look in the mirror, and frown. “Normally it’s nice to me.”
Rob smiles a little. You notice that its cheeks look…warm. You feel a little less guilty. “Normally you’re not expecting it to behave.”
Good point. You pass the brush to them. “Work your magic?”
“I’ll try. Do you have any products?”
You give it a leave-in conditioner mask you have.
“That’ll do.” It carefully gets its hands wet and combs its fingers through your hair. You close your eyes once more, and let it do its work.
You use as much concentration as you can manage to not picture Rob doing this in a different scenario. Perhaps brushing your hair for you after the two of you come out of a hot shower, or before you both go to bed. There’s the selfish part of you, of course, that wants it to just use your scalp to turn you around and kiss you hard enough to make your legs shake-
Whoa. Whoa. Chill out a little, brain.
But you can’t help it. Roboro’s fingers cup and drag at the top of your ears, gathering hair to pull into a half-up half-down style. You can practically picture its lips kissing right at the nape of your neck before moving forward and around to bite your pulse.
You feel its touch suddenly leave you. You bite your lip to hold in a whine. “All done.”
You open your eyes and peek at the mirror. Your hair looks…good. Really good, actually. Your waves are more defined, and your hair shines in the light without looking oily. Rob lent you its own hair tie, its waves long and flowing. You grab the drop earrings, pop them in your ears, and try not to think about how flattered you are that Rob would deny its own comfort for your sake.
“Your ears are pierced?”
“Mhm. I thought they’d closed up, but I’m glad they didn’t!”
“Do you remember when you got them done?”
Do you? You try to think. You can’t remember anything before the loops, but you do have slivers of knowledge that you can’t explain. “If I had to guess, if was probably when I came straight to Vaugarde. After I left home.”
It blinks at you in surprise.
“I couldn’t give you details if I tried, but that’s my assumption.”
“Huh…you look pretty.”
You smile. “Thanks. And thank you for the hair tie! I just need shoes and my clutch, and I’ll be ready when you are.”
By the time you both get to the bridge and settle in the carriage, your feet are aching in your new heels, but you don’t care. You feel pretty, if not a little cold. Your shawl is the only thing guarding your shoulders from the chill in the air.
“Smells like snow,” Rob says off-handedly.
Snow!? You can’t hide your excitement! “Really?”
It doesn’t look nearly as happy. “That’s right. You probably haven’t seen it in…”
You grin, kicking your little feet out in a gentle sway. “Years.” First you find the perfect outfit, then Rob flipping touched you and nobody flinched, and now it might snow!? This is the best night ever!!!
But your joy only brings out a sad smile from Roboro. “Ah. You too, huh?”
Wait. What? “What do you mean?”
The question seems to make it uncomfortable as it sits across from you in a stuffy carriage with no escape. “How long were you in the time loops for?”
Ah, stars, you mathed it out months ago. What was the number again? “A little over a decade.”
Roboro exhales in a way that reminds you of how the wind sometimes steals your breath. “…fuck.”
“Yeah,” you mutter. You really don’t need its pity right now. “What about you?”
It pinches the bridge of its nose. “Maybe eleven or so?”
It’s your turn to gape. “How!? You’re smart as hell!”
It snorts. “Not smarter than the Universe.”
You shut your jaw. “I thought out of all of us, you’d have gotten out the fastest.”
“And what gives you that impression?”
“You’ve always been smart. And you work better than I do under pressure. And you remember almost everything.”
It almost smiles, but something shifts in its expression that makes you…uncomfortable. “Loop, do you think me being able to remember things makes me smart?”
Your throat tightens. “Doesn’t it?”
You can practically hear the gears in its head turning as puzzle pieces click into place. Its voice is quiet. Cautious. “Do you think you’re not smart?”
You look away.
“Lu.”
No. You don’t want to talk about this. You know you’re stupid, you’ve always been stupid, you-
Working with the rock of the carriage, Roboro carefully moves to sit next to you. “Loop. Talk to me.”
Your hands tighten in your lap, your shoulders hunch, you can’t cry, you can’t, you can’t! Ruin! This! Night!!!
“Touch,” it softly warns. It lets its hand gently rest on your knee. “…Lu, you don’t seriously believe that, right?”
You don’t know when the thought got into your head; you just knew that you were dumb, and a moron, and stupid. Too many instances of you trying to help and forgetting what to do minutes later. Too many times you tried to remember things before you were left with a migraine. Too many things you were late to, or got the date wrong, or forgot entirely what you were supposed to be doing.
Nobody ever told you it outright, but it was implied, and they were always right.
You try to inhale, but it goes in shaky and comes out a crack. You can’t look at Rob right now, so you stare down at your hands and quietly let tears fall down your cheeks.
Its fingers slowly reach for your hand. You let them take it, silently letting them interlace. Heat blooms in your chest. “Loop. You’re not stupid.”
You don’t believe it. “How do you know that,” you whisper.
“Stupid people don’t try to be better.”
Your bottom lip quivers. “But-”
“No, Lu. I don’t know who told you that, but they were lying to you.”
It’s lying, it’s lying, it’s lying!!! More tears fall.
“You were told to make an organization system for the bookstore from scratch with barely any help. How did that go?”
You force yourself to breathe. “U-Um,” you manage with a sniffle, “it went alright. I think.”
“Operates okay? No hiccups?”
“None yet.” You wipe your face.
“See, I can’t do that.”
You pause. “What do you mean?”
“Whenever I went to deliver Pat her coffee? Before you came and fixed the shelves? Going into that bookstore would make me dizzy.”
You snort. “You’re being dramatic.”
“I’m not! That place was a mess! And what about those note cards you were working on?”
The voice in your head that tells you that you’re worthless, manipulative, callous is trying to raise its volume, to get your attention, but Rob’s louder. You wipe your face with a sniffle. “Card system. So we could keep track of what books were in stock.”
“And? Is it working?”
…the voice is angry. Shaking. You’re trying to ignore it. “Maybe.”
Roboro gives your hand a squeeze. “Give yourself some credit.”
You sigh. “It works for Pat and I. But I don’t know if the library will approve of it.”
A frustrated huff escapes it. “Why are you so negative towards yourself?”
Your shoulders hurt from how tense they’re getting. “I don’t know. It’s always been this way.”
“…are…are you being mean to yourself, or is your brain the one talking right now?”
“My brain,” you whisper. “We don’t really get along.”
It snorts a little. “Well, what do you think about yourself?”
Ohohohoho, what a loaded question~! “Well. Um.”
“…don’t tell me you believe that crap!”
“Well what else am I supposed to believe!?” You don’t mean to raise your voice, but you can’t help it. “‘That crap’ is all I’ve been surrounded with! I didn’t actually start being useful to anybody until I came here! I can remember things now! I…I…” Your breath is heavy. “I don’t make as many mistakes. I know where I’m going the entire time I’m walking somewhere. I remember if I ate, or if I didn’t, and I remember my cats and their names, and what Moose looks like, and where you live, and…” You’re sobbing. You need to breathe. You hold a hand to your chest and close your eyes, breathing in and out. You’re almost to the Opera House. Get it together!
Rob’s thumb strokes yours. “…I didn’t know you felt that way.”
You sniffle and nod. “I’m sorry I yelled.”
“That’s not yelling,” it chuckles. “I’m sorry you were treated like that, but…”
You wipe your face. “But?”
Rob hesitates. “Have you talked to anyone about all this? Like a therapist?”
You shake your head. You don’t think anyone would want to listen to what you have to say. “Do you?”
“I used to. I’m seriously considering getting one here.”
A couple more deep breaths enter and exit your nose and mouth. The tears are gone. The voice is quiet. You feel safe. “Do they just listen to you talk, or…?”
“Sometimes. Mine would bounce back what I was saying. Put some things into perspective for me. It really helped.”
You hate the idea of talking to someone about all of the miserable garbage that your head is filled with. You know you’re broken at your core. What’s the point of trying to put it together if it’s just going to get broken again? But…haven’t you tried to do that? And were borderline successful? You used to cut your wrists and your throat in the time loops all the time until something clicked and you didn’t want to hurt yourself anymore. You’re drinking yourself to sleep instead, but you don’t want to. You like being here. You like living.
You don’t want to die again. “Loop?”
Your voice is quieter than intended. “Can I think about it?”
You finally look up at him. You didn’t recognize the sparkle in his eye before; now you get it, but why? Why does Rob look…proud? Of you? “Of course.”
The Opera House is a little crowded, but you’re okay with that.
You scored decent seats somewhere in the middle of the Orchestra Floor, leading Rob with a linked pinkie through the people. “This place is nice,” it finally says after the two of you take your places.
“It is,” you respond. You have just enough time to admire all the crown molding - and that box five is indeed empty! - when the lights go dim.
“Shoot, we barely made it,” Rob whispers.
“Looks like it,” you agree.
“You feeling better?”
You nod. “…I’m sorry. For losing my cool. I just wanted to have a fun night out with you and…” You feel your cheeks grow hot.
“It’s okay.” Even in the dark, you can see its gentle smile. “I understand.”
“Thank you.”
“Shhh!!”
You both whip around to see someone behind you, an older pair, shushing you. “Sorry,” you whisper.
You turn back to the stage, glancing over at Rob; the two of you lock eyes.
And you snort.
You watch its shoulder shake, its lips pursed. Both of you are trying to control your laughter as the curtains open.
You turn to the stage, grinning.
The music and songs and costumes fill your senses like you’re visiting the house of an old friend. One of the good parts of being stup- having a terrible memory is that whenever you see a show you’ve definitely seen before, you get to experience the emotional highs and lows the same way as if you watched it for the first time. Whoever’s playing Christine Daae has a lovely voice with the perfect blend of annunciation to her tone. Raoul de Chagny isn’t so bad himself.
“Those names sound familiar,” Rob whispers to you.
You nod. “I saw this in Vaugarde originally.”
You both watch Christine and Raoul sing while rushing up a twisted wire staircase, arguing over if the Phantom is even real. You peek over at Rob; it’s watching her intently. “The costume department must have a good budget.”
You grin. “My favorite song is on next.”
The start of soft violins followed by a crescendo of brass, then the whisper of the orchestra following the beat of a harp, has your heart all aflutter. The wave of the music flowing throughout the room relaxes your muscles. “…it’s a love song.”
“Mhm,” you smile. “All I Ask Of You.”
“I never took you for the type.”
You almost snort. The two of you sit in silence, but you still feel its eyes on you.
…your hand aches for theirs. You keep it to yourself.
You don’t think that taking Rob to see this particular show is a bad idea until Wishing You Were Here Again.
It’s a soft number, where Christine, having gone away from the Opera House to escape from the horrors, is strolling through the graveyard and singing about her father who passed when she was just a child. A part of your chest hurts. You don’t remember your parents. You wish that you did. A sniffle, struggling to contain itself, emits right next to you.
Oh. Oh no. You didn’t warn Rob!!!
You turn to see quiet tears glistening on its cheeks, its lip quivering. Stuttered inhales shake its chest in a way you don’t think you’ve seen before. The last time you saw it cry was in bed, shoulders shaking, not really trying to pull itself together. This is different.
“Touch,” you whisper before letting your pinkie tap the top of its hand. To your surprise, Rob’s hand opens up immediately to take yours once more. You let your fingers interlace and give it a gentle squeeze. “Are you okay?”
It nods with a sniffle.
You scoot a little closer, letting your arm touch theirs. “Do we need to go?”
It shakes its head, leaning into you.
Like two puzzle pieces coming together, you fall into place. Your head ends up resting on its shoulder; you feel its cheek in your hair. You stay like that for…a while. You let your thumb stroke its knuckles, like it did for you in the carriage. You don’t speak again until the violins turn sharp and the tone shifts into one of danger. “I’m sorry,” you whisper. “I completely forgot about that one.”
“It’s okay,” it whispers back with a sniffle, wiping its face with a free hand. “It was a really good song.”
You let a beat pass. “Do I need to let go?”
“Do you want to?”
Your pulse beats in your wrist, full of nerves. “Not really.”
…you think you feel a sigh of relief come from it. “I’m comfy if you are.”
“Yeah,” you smile. “I am.”
You don’t lift off of its shoulder and let go of its hand until it’s time to applaud.
It was a good show. Really good, actually! Not once did you get triggered by the theater, or the actors, or the lines. It felt like coming home after a long trip. You’re smiling the whole the time while walking out of the theater, your hand holding the crook of its elbow. “Do we walk back to the bridge or-?”
Rob points out the carriage you came into the city in. “Nope!”
You grin. “Sweet!”
Roboro opens the door for you and everything, giving you a hand for balance while you step inside.
Your skin has been on fire for the past hour. You’re pretty sure your cheeks are burning too. “Thank you!”
“Mhm.” It enters the carriage, and…sits across from you. Like before.
Well that’s a little disappointing.
Is your good night over? Is it backing off because it doesn’t have to be next to you anymore? But you can see the heat on its face too! You thought you’d had a decent time, other than your little melt down!
You’re about to apologize again for losing your cool earlier when a sudden chill comes in through the window. You peek behind the curtain.
Thick flecks of white fall from the sky in the distance, hovering only the shores and land of Amonwood, and the thick trees behind it you’ve yet to explore. “What does it look like?”
You grin. “Beautiful.”
You don’t stop smiling the whole way home. Roboro is still quiet, but not in an uncomfortable way. It’s a little unnerving how many times you’ve caught it watching your reaction to the snowfall, but you can’t blame it. It’s probably recalling the first time it saw unfamiliar weather.
The wheels on the pavement slowly start to crunch beneath the carriage. “Wow. It must be coming down hard.”
“It is,” you reply. “We’ll have to walk fast.” The carriage parks with a jolt that nearly sends you forward, Rob’s hands already out to catch you.
“Ice,” it hisses. “…we have to be careful.”
The two of you agreed on the spot that if the snow was too bad by the time you both got to your house, Rob would call its neighbor to take in Moose and stay the night with you.
Flakes of snow stick in your hair and your eyelashes, melting against your body heat in seconds. You’re covered in snow, being half-soaked within minutes of walking. Neither one of you have said a word since you left the carriage.
“It’s early this year.” Roboro, surprisingly, is the one to break the silence.
“Is it?”
“Yeah. Didn’t start snowing until Yule before.”
Huh. “It’s nice.”
“…yeah. It’s cold.”
“Oh screw off, you walking body heater.”
That earns you a surprised chuckle.
Another minute passes before you feel a sudden weight on your shoulders.
“Here.”
Rob…put its coat on your shoulders. You smile. What a gentleman~! “Are you sure?”
“Yeah. Walking body heater privilege.”
You snort. “Thank you.”
“Mhm.”
Another pause of silence. It won’t be too long before you’ve reached your house, and you’ll have to say goodbye. Why does tonight to be over? Why can’t it go on until Rob has to work? Oh Universe above Rob works at six tomorrow and you’ve kept it up past eleven holy stars now you feel bad. You start to walk a little faster, but you step just wrong and begin to slide forward-
Rob catches you by your arm. “Careful!”
You can’t help but giggle. “Sorry, sorry, I’m okay,” you reassure, gathering your footing. “That’s really slick!” You look up at it, expecting some worry if not its usual stone gaze, but you get something else instead.
Roboro’s…smiling. Not in a very big way, just enough that its cheeks and lips are flushed. The light that was in Isabeau’s eyes is long dead, but there’s a new one that’s been slowly growing into a steady glow over these past few months. Something glazes over its features that soften them into a warmth that you aren’t familiar with.
Rob lets go of your arm. You feel your cheeks burn, but you smile anyways.
“…we should get home.” Its whole face slowly grows dark.
Your stomach flutters. “Lead the way.”
Notes:
"OH THEY'RE FINALLY IN LOVE AND REALIZING IT"
sees the slowburn tag
"AH SHIT"
Chapter Text
Roboro, to your dismay, didn’t end up staying the night after all. Out of respect, you sent it on its way with its blazer and a packaged bowl of soup to warm up at home for a very late dinner. You watch it jog through the slowing blizzard for as long as you can until you can’t see it anymore.
…your heart won’t stop beating out of your chest. What is wrong with you?
It didn’t get better the next time you and Rob saw each other that Monday. “Hey!”
“Hi,” it greets with that neutral grump that you’ve grown accustomed to only seeing in the bookstore.
You take your coffee with a thanks and a sip. “I didn’t keep you out too late on Friday, right?”
Hey, there’s a little smile! “No. But the music is driving me crazy. There has to be a record of that show, right…?”
“I wouldn’t know. Is there a store in town?”
“There is. I’ll have to look after work.” Rob opens up the paper bag of goodies and takes out a triangular scone. “Here. New recipe.”
You gently pick it up and take a careful bite…ooh!
Oohohohohoo, that’s goooood~!
Orange zest glaze mixes with a melt-in-your-mouth texture, making you do a little happy dance. “That’s a keeper!”
Rob’s expression remains neutral, but you catch a slight tint in its cheeks. “I’m glad you like it.”
“Oh, hey Robert!” Patricia’s voice coming out of the back room makes you jump. “I didn’t hear you come in!”
“Lu let me in. Actually, while I have you, I was wondering if you needed them tomorrow.”
Oh? “Whatever for?”
“Tomorrow’s carrot day.”
Pat gives a dramatic groan while your brows narrow in confusion. “What’s carrot day?”
She takes her own latte from the counter. “My least favorite day of the year. Clyde makes all of the staff come in on a day off and shred over a hundred pounds of carrots for the whole season. He asks them every year to bring help in exchange for a day’s pay.”
“And why do you hate it?”
“Because I can’t stand the smell,” she chuckles, taking a sip. “…did you make this one, Robert?”
“I did. I make all the ones we send here.”
“You’re getting really good. I can’t remember the last time I’ve had a bad coffee. Anyways, Clyde always comes home with orange hands and smelling like dirt. Not my favorite.” You watch her take a bite of her scone; her eyes light up. “Oh, that’s excellent!”
“We’re keeping the recipe,” Rob responds quietly. “Is that a no on being able to steal Luca?”
She looks at you. “Well?”
You shrug. “I have no qualms against this.”
“It’ll probably take the whole day.”
“Will you need me?”
“I don’t think so, but we’ll have to double check our card box before Safiya comes by at the end of the month, so lets get that started by Wednesday?”
Oh, that’s right! “I can start today while I shelve.”
“Perfect. Then we’re good with you taking off tomorrow.”
You turn to Rob with a happy smile. “When do you want me there?”
Six. O’clock. In the blinding morning. Roboro is so lucky that you like him.
You approach the back of the bakery with a yawn, shivering from the cold. You’re lucky to be able to borrow a coat and gloves from the closet, but your six months in that house will be done two months from now. You’ll need to purchase some of your own by them. You also need to check in with Joel and Maria now that the weather has turned, and of course you’re worried about how the contract renewal with the library will go, and it is way to early for your brain to be thinking this much.
You knock on the back door marked Employees Only, and pray for coffee in your near future. It opens up to a dark man wearing an apron covered in a shade that you believe is the “orange” Patty was talking about yesterday. “Mornin’ Sam.”
Normally you see him with some kind of hat on to cover his curls and a bright smile, but today seems to have already taken the wind out of him. “Hey Luca. It’s too early for this shit.”
“It is indeed,” you chuckle. You walk inside to the kitchen, the world’s ugliest sneakers currently on your feet to help with traction.
You look around at all the equipment, including a few standing ovens that are tall enough to keep Rob in, something that you think is a steam box for bread, and a frying station that’s currently covered and closed up. Rob and James are already hard at work shredding carrots on a long wooden table with a million cuts in it.
James greets you first. “Hey Luca!”
“Hi guys,” you greet. You take off your coat and gloves and hang them by the back door before Same passes you a hair net. “Where am I working?”
Roboro pauses its grating and wipes off its hands. “Actually, before that. Let’s get you caffeinated.”
“Please and thank you,” you mumble. You wait until you both are past the door to the public portion of the bakery, complete with a bakery case and a coffee station, to speak again. “How long have you been here for?”
“Since about four.”
“Fucking hell Rob.”
“Yeah, I know. I got good news though.”
You watch it start the process of making espresso. “Oh?”
“Yeah. Mira’s coming to visit.”
You feel yourself light up. “That is good news! Does she have a place to stay?”
“Yeah, there’s a hostel in Skrivenshore.”
“Does she know Taeko’s in town?”
Rob pauses. “…no. I didn’t tell her.” It smiles. “That’ll be fun to watch.”
“Oh she’s gonna be so mad at you,” you snicker.
“I didn’t tell her about you either,” it grins, passing you your drink. “Just said I made a couple of friends.
You blink. “She’s going to kill you, Robert.”
It snickers. “I couldn’t help it. I figured it would be a nice surprise.”
You take a slow sip and hum. “Please tell me you’ll warn Taeko.”
“I will, I will. I don’t expect her heart to take any more stress.”
You lean against the counter, enjoying your smooth latte. “…how many carrots have we gone through so far?”
“Too little,” it sighs. “We have over eighty pounds left.”
You rub your eyes. “Have you had a break yet?”
“No, but-”
“Go take one.” You set your cup on the counter. “I got your station.”
“Lu, if I stop moving, I will fall asleep.”
You hum. “Is there any way at all to make it go faster?”
It looks to the ceiling in thought. “We need someone on Velma.”
“…who?”
“Velma”, thankfully, was not a person, but a vacuum sealant machine the size of your coffee table. A large handle you can barely reach floats upwards, attached to an airtight lid.
Rob shows you how to measure each portion of shredded carrots by weight, and them how to seal them with Velma. “And then label and date it with the marker hanging here.”
“Got it.”
And just like that, you all get to work.
You pick it up rather quickly, actually. The bakery is silent, but you don’t blame anybody for that. Barely an hour has past, and you’re almost done with the work given to you. You’re washing your hands, preparing to go take a sip of your cold coffee up front, when Sam approaches you.
“Did you finish all that already?”
You nod. “Wasn’t hard.”
He scoffs. “Velma has favorites, I see.”
“What, you don’t know how to use her?”
“Sam can’t seal a bag to save his life,” James calls out.
He turns to his younger coworker with a gaping mouth and an offended expression. “I can too!”
“The fuck you can,” Rob mutters, making you giggle.
“As if you don’t fight with her on the daily!”
“Yeah, difference is I win,” it responds flatly.
You can’t help but snicker. “Anything I can do to help?”
“You can take over grating in my corner.”
An annoyed sigh leaves Rob. “C’mon dude, just let them peel.”
Sam gives Rob a cocky smirk. “Why? They’re not weak.”
“I know they aren’t, but it’s safer.”
“Plus, it’s polite,” James adds. “Believe it or not, we aren’t assholes.”
“Or terrible hosts.”
Sam groans in defeat. “Fiiiiine.”
You grin. These guys are fun! “Lemme go take a sip of coffee and I’ll come take over.”
After a minute to breathe and a heavy dose of caffeine, you’re back in action and learning how to hover over a trashcan while peeling carrots without falling. You end up stealing the chair in the front room to sit while you work, listening to James and Sam bicker over something you don’t really understand.
But in the background of it all, you can hear Rob humming a familiar tune.
It’s All I Ask Of You! You can’t help yourself; you begin to hum along, tossing peeled carrots to individual piles between the three of them. You find yourself following the tune of Christine while Rob quietly follows Raoul’s role.
“So,” you hear Sam clear his throat. “I didn’t know you could sing, Robert.”
Oh. Stars. Both of you pause. You very quickly realize that the conversation has long since ceased, the room only being filled with the sound of your song.
James purses his lips. “You really had to say something? I was enjoying that.”
Rob bunches its brows. “Enjoying what exactly?”
“You finally relaxing a little around us.”
“I’m always relaxed around you guys.”
“You being a quiet grump all the time is your version of being relaxed?”
“Yes,” the two of you say simultaneously, even though you’re lying through your teeth.
Sam snorts turn into a round of snickers while James looks between the two of you like he just witnessed something magical.
“What?” Rob’s starting to sound a little annoyed. You feel your face grow hot.
“Nothing, nothing,” Sam reassures.
You shut your mouth, carry on working, and do everything in your power to not hum again.
Clyde comes in with lunch at ten.
“Hey guys- oh, hi Luca!”
You smile and wave, back on Velma and her attitude. You’re starting to see why Sam has so much trouble with it. “Hi Clyde!”
“Hey boss,” the others say without much energy.
“Oof, tough crowd. Hands up, it’s break time.”
Everyone immediately stops what they’re doing and, literally, puts their hands in the air except for you.
“Is it Drew’s?” Rob’s voice is full of hope.
“It is! Bought a couple of sandwiches. Clear the bench?”
They must do this every day, because the table is dried of carrot juice and cleared of any cuts and stems in minutes. You watch James grab some fold-out chairs stashed in the spare closet by the back door. You tidy your station, unsure of what else to do, and wash your hands.
You decide the decent thing to do is get glasses of water, considering the bakery is actually pretty damn hot even with the ovens off. You go to the front to get started, and use the ice machine to fill up several plastic cups.
“Lu, where’d- oh, hey.” Rob peeks out with a tired smile. “I was looking for you.”
“Hiya,” you yawn. “I was just getting everyone water.”
“That’s nice of you.” Rob takes the full cups and fills them with the tap behind the bar. “I was about to start pulling more shots.”
You smile. “How far have we gotten?”
“Over half-way done. Maybe forty percent left.”
You groan. “I haven’t even done all that much and I’m dead.”
“You haven’t stopped moving in three hours.”
“Neither have you. And you’ve been awake for at least seven.”
It winces. “I’m looking forward to sleeping in tomorrow.”
You cover another yawn. You don’t have that luxury, but it’ll feel like sleeping for longer in comparison to when you woke up today. “…I think I may need another coffee.”
Another smile. You feel yourself melt. “Coming right up.”
Lunch comes and goes - and so does another four hours.
You’re sealing the last few packages while the others bleach the bakery clean and sweep the debris off the floor. There’s noise in the background that you can barely hear. You can’t remember the last time that you felt this tired.
Actually, you can. Before you gave up. Before you became a star.
You take a deep breath. You’re safe, you convince yourself. You’re not in a time loop. You’re operating Velma in a bakery that’s finishing work for the day. You can hear Roboro’s voice in the distance, and the buzz of the lights above you. You smell dirt, carrots, and leftover sandwiches. Candles are quiet, except for the occasional crackle, and the House smelled like burnt sugar. Tasted like it, too.
A hand on your shoulder makes you jump.
“Whoa, sorry.” Sam backs off, but not to the point of triggering your instinct for self-disgust. “You okay?”
You blank. “Uh. Tired. Sorry.”
“It’s alright.” Something changes in his expression that you don’t quite get. “I have a question for you, but I understand if you can’t answer.”
You squint. “Okay.”
“Are you like Robert? With the…” Sam points to his own chest.
…oh! They know? “Yeah,” you say softly, surprised.
“Ah.” Sam’s expression drops a tad. “I was afraid of that. I’m sorry you went through that crap too.”
You blink. “It told you?”
“After several drinks in a bar, yes,” Sam snorts. “No details, but…yikes. Anyways, I won’t hound you about it. I just wanted to let you know that I can take over.”
You look at your work. “I have like two bags left.”
“And I came over here because you were swaying.”
Stars. “Shit. I’m sorry.”
“It’s alright! You work in a bookstore for a reason,” he chuckles. “Thank you for coming in, though. You were a big help.”
Yet another bout of genuine thanks you can’t deflect! “You’re welcome.” But it’s getting easier, isn’t it?
Sam pulls out an envelope and holds it out to you. “Clyde left this for you before he left, by the way.”
You take it with a smile. “Thank you.” You let Sam take over your station, and go to wash your hands of carrot juice. And honestly? Now that you’re walking, you completely understand Sam’s concern. The sink is spinning. You close your eyes, and a take a deep breath.
Stay awake, stay awake, stay awake! You cannot pass out in front of Rob’s friends!
…coworkers! Whatever!
“Luca?”
Roboro’s voice puts your mind at ease. “Hey. We’re done, right?”
“Yeah,” it chuckles. “We’re done.”
You rub your eyes.
Rob looks around before it leans over and whispers to you: “Need to crash at my place?”
Oh, that sounds heavenly. You whine a little. “I wanna, but I need a shower.”
It ponders for a moment. “Do you…want to stop by yours first?”
You consider just asking it to stay with you, but you recall it being Rob’s turn. “How about I head home, and I’ll meet you later.”
Its brows furrow. “Is that a good idea?”
“Let’s see if the snow wakes me up first.”
And it turns out you were right!
With the pathways plowed and the snowfall having stopped, the walk to and from your house was actually quite pleasant. You made sure that you were showered and clean, the cats were cared for, and the heat was left on at a comfortable temperature. You packed a bag for two nights to leave a change of clothes at Rob’s place, just in case something like this happened again.
Rob answers their door quickly, and with a smile. “Hey Lu, come on in.”
You step inside to the smell of garlic and cabbage. “…soup?”
“Soup. It’s cold out.”
It’s really cold out. You’re regretting walking here with damp hair. You’re immediately greeted by Moose, who you give several doses of lovings and scritchies. “Hi big boy! I missed you!” You don’t have to bend over a lot to give his nose a little kiss.
Moose seems to still like you! You’re honored!
You enter the kitchen. “Touch.” You dramatically flop your head onto Rob’s arm.
It snorts. “Good afternoon to you too.”
“…afternoon?”
“Yeah. It’s only three.”
It’s only three!? “How!? It feels so late!”
Rob just chuckles. “Yeah, that’s the joy of working weird hours.”
You pout. You want to go to bed so badly.
“Hey, no. No. I know that look. We cannot sleep until maybe seven or eight.”
You give a dramatic sigh. “But I’m tiiired.”
It gives you a look.
“And so are youuu,” you try to convince.
Rob can’t seem to help its smile. “As tempting as that is, the stove is on.”
“Ugh.” You lift yourself off of it and float to the couch. “Cruel and unusual punishment.”
You can see its shoulders shake from trying to hold back laughter. “I feel like these are baseless accusations.”
You lean on a resting Moose, who responds by sniffing your hair. “Objection, your honor. I sacrificed sleep for a noble cause. I deserve rest.”
A tea-kettle whistle of a laugh escapes it. “Denied. Your honor also sacrificed sleep, and knows that if you sleep too early, you’ll throw off your circadian rhythm for like three days.”
You groan. “Screw being old, man.”
Roboro finally chuckles aloud while you giggle along. You’re happy to hear it laugh. “Tell me about it. I think I’m older than you now, come to think of it.”
Your brows bunch. “Really?” You take a minute to think, and…sure enough. Eleven years in the loops, one in Isabeau’s dimension, and three more in its own meant that it was fifteen years older than when you last met Isa. You, however, had only added eleven to your ambiguous age. “Yeah. You probably are, huh.”
You hear clinking silverware. “What’s your age range again? Siffrin never gave me a definitive number.”
“Anywhere from thirty-six to…forty.” You shudder.
It snorts. “I’m already forty, thank you very much.”
“Shit,” you smile. “You’re old.”
It whips around to give you a glare. “You’re old too!”
You stick out your tongue.
Its face falls. “Wait, don’t-”
You barely retract and close your mouth in time; Moose is on you like a viper, pinning you to the couch and licking your face. You can barely breathe as you make poor attempts to escape the world’s heaviest dog.
You can’t stop laughing. Neither can Roboro apparently, if the sounds of its wheezing are any indicator. “I’m so sorry! I didn’t warn you! Moose, get off!”
It takes Rob walking over and pulling off its dog for you to get a reprieve and a breath of air. You wipe your face with a smile. “Bleh!”
It grins. “I don’t know why he does that…”
You can’t stop giggling as you sit up. You take a few deep breaths, and look at Moose. “You’re a weird dog, you know that?”
Moose simply thumps his tail against the couch, happy as a clam.
“It might be time for a ‘W’ actually.”
Moose’s ears perk up at that. You smile. “I’m coming with, I assume?”
“Oh, absolutely.”
You fake a pout. “Lemme wash my face first.”
Even if it’s cold and wet out, you don’t think you’ll ever get tired of the snow outside.
Roboro must’ve turned off the stove, put a lid on the pot, and leashed up Moose while you scrubbed your skin of dog slobber, because by the time you came out of the bathroom, everyone was almost ready to go. Apparently Moose’s idea of a “W” was to be led by leash to a large field behind Rob’s apartment before being unhooked to run and catch a ball Rob threw for him. You look around, particularly at the woods in the distance. It doesn’t feel like anything today, if not a little draining.
“Loop?”
You turn to Rob, the fluffy hood of its parka making you smile. “Hm?”
“You good?”
You nod, approaching it to be closer. “Just enjoying the snow.”
Roboro smiles back before squatting to take the ball from Moose’s mouth. “Can I ask you something?”
“Sure.”
“Was it raining during your loops?”
You watch Rob give an impressive throw, and Moose bolt after it. “Mhm. It was sunny during Stardust’s though.”
“Same for me. What’s up with that?”
You think for a moment, and shrug. “Alternate timeline logic? I recall his party looking a tad different too, but not by all that much.”
“Me too. It’s just odd.”
“It is.” A beat of silence follows. “Have you been thinking about them lately?”
“…I guess. I think our conversation from a few nights ago is sticking with me.”
Your brows bunch. “How so?”
It takes a moment before shrugging. “I don’t know. I think I’m realizing just how much I didn’t know about Siffrin.”
You frown. “He’s a good actor, and would’ve rather died than talk about it. I don’t blame you.” You freeze. “…I’m sorry. Poor choice of words.”
“S’alright.” It takes the ball from Moose once more to toss. “I know what you meant. And unfortunately you’re correct. I mean, look at you.”
You give it a look. “Ouch??? Get a mirror???”
It snorts. “Yeah, yeah, I know. But still. I should’ve taken a hint or two.”
You look out into the snow to try to spot any hunk of dark fur, and find…nothing. “Where’d Moose go?”
Rob looks up to an empty field. “Fuck. I must’ve thrown it too far. Moose!”
You both start for the woods, calling out for Rob’s dog. “He couldn’t have gone far. I take right, you take left?”
“Sure. Moose! C’mere boy!”
You turn and enter the woods. It’s dead quiet. A slow sense of dread fills you. “Moosey Moose! Where are you big puppy?” You hear a bark in the distance, and run forward. “Buddy boy! You gotta come back! Your-” You turn the corner, and pause at the sight before you. “…oh dear.”
Roboro catches up with you quickly, worry in its voice. “Is he ok- pffft!”
To your bewilderment, Moose is hanging off of a large tree branch, dangling maybe a third of a meter off of the ground. “Moose. Buddy. You can’t have that one.”
Moose growls and jerks his head, clearly trying to rip it off. Roboro is still giggling when it catches its breath. “You gotta let go dude. That won’t fit in the house.”
A familiar feeling of power washes over you. It isn’t one of Craft. It’s older than that; ancient even.
And right now, She’s telling you something: Ow.
You grin through your confusion, and whistle. “C’mere boy! Let go! Go get your ball!”
Moose’s jaw slackens at the sound of playtime, and thankfully lands on his feet without any harm done. “What were you thinking dude?” You watch Rob leash him up, letting him lead the way to find wherever his ball went, before you turn back to the large tree covered in snow.
Thank you, She whispers.
You blink. “You’re welcome,” you whisper back.
You promptly turn around, and speed-walk out of the woods while you question your sanity.
Dinner is quiet. Rob’s enjoying itself, having almost finished dinner and started up some music to listen to, but you’re…conflicted. “Hey Rob?”
“Hm?”
“Can you hear the woods talk?”
It nearly drops its spoon. “No? What do you mean?”
You recall the conversation you had with Patricia about the woods, the Beast, and all the weird stuff that had been going on for over a year or so now.
“…so the forest in my backyard is a She. And you can hear her.”
“Apparently.”
Roboro shifts in its seat. “And the Beast has probably killed people. Pat called it an emotional vampire?”
You nod.
It narrows its eyes, but you catch an emotion you can’t quite place glaze over them. “Well I can’t do much about the Beast, but can you tell Her to stop picking favorites? I’d like to take a walk in there sometime without feeling an impending sense of doom.”
You snort. “I don’t think it works like that.”
“Damn,” it responds with a smile.
It finishes its soup and stands to take your bowls, leaving you to your thoughts and the music in the air. You tap your finger to the slow tune.
“…do you dance?”
You look over at Rob, who’s watching you from the sink. “Not particularly.” Not anymore.
“Do you want to?”
You raise your eyebrows. The song is a little slower than you’d expect, but…maybe that’s intentional, now that you think about it. You stand and watch Rob dry its hands. “Sure.”
You waltz over to the living room, give Moose a scratch or two, and gently pull the coffee table out of the way. “Are we changing the record, or do we like this one?”
“What do you think?”
You ponder. “…do you have any that mix between slow and upbeat songs? We’ve got about an hour left before bed.” You can practically hear Rob’s mattress calling your name.
“I got a few.” Roboro pulls a few options out. “There’s a jazz one, an alternative, and…ska.”
“Ska?”
“Yeah,” it snorts with a smile. “I think Sam gifted me that one.”
“I don’t think I’ve heard of jazz.”
“It’s nice.” Rob stops the current record and slips it back in its case. “It’s smooth. Like a good whiskey. But it can get pretty upbeat.” It puts it on and adjusts the needle and-
…huh. You didn’t know brass instruments could sound so soft. The piano makes your brain tingle. Your muscles tense and relax and tense again.
“You look wary.”
“I think I like it so far.” You’ve just never heard of anything like it.
Its smile puts you at ease. Rob approaches and holds out a hand. You slowly take it into yours.
It’s warm, and a little sweaty. Is he nervous? You’ve been physically close before, you don’t see why this would be-
Oh. Roboro’s other hand delicately slides around your waist. You let your own lift up towards its chest, its clavicle, its neck, the side of your hand barely grazing the fabric of its shirt. Rob shudders under your touch.
You feel powerful. Manipulative. Disgusting.
You want to make him do that again.
You let Rob take the lead, swaying to the music. “Have you listened to all of the records you have?”
“Most of them.”
Roboro hums to the music for a moment before making a funny sound with its lips to imitate the blaring trumpet that suddenly comes on. It makes you giggle! “Good to know you’re still a member of the Funny Noises Appreciation Crew.”
It guffaws in surprise, eyes wide. “The what???”
You grin. “Siffrin never told you about that? You, Mira, and Bonbon.”
“Was that a loops thing?”
“Oh, no, that was well established beforehand.”
And it laughs. Like, really laughs. Rob gives a full belly-shaking cackle while its face rests in your hair. It’s music to your ears; it must be very sleep deprived. “Wha- I can’t- why?”
“You don’t remember?” You can’t stop giggling yourself. “You guys would make fun noises whenever I picked up anything that dangled, or talk about Mira’s brooches.”
It takes a few breaths to calm down. Rob lifts itself out of your hair and rests its forehead on yours. “I forgot I used to do that.”
“It was great,” you grin, looking up into dark eyes. “…do you still do that sometimes?”
“Every now and then, I think. Mostly with the kittens. And the ovens at work.”
You smirk. You’re gonna have to ask Sam about that. Now that you think about it, you wonder just how much dirt James and Sam have on Rob without it knowing. “Do you just go around saying ‘beep beep’?”
“Oh, better. They sing.”
“…your ovens sing.” That’s even better.
Rob reenacts an adorable tune that makes you giggle again. “It’s catchy isn’t it?”
“It is.” You hadn’t noticed until now how Rob’s slowly getting closer, its nose grazing yours. You feel your star pulse in your ears.
A realization hits you; you really, really, want it to kiss you. You let your eyes relax, going half-lidded.
You can almost taste its breath. Rob leans in a little more-
Its thumb strokes right under one of your ribs, making you jolt with a sudden flinch away from it. Your eyes jump open. The record skips, the slow jazz short-circuiting onto something more upbeat. “S-Sorry,” you try with a smile. “That tickled.”
But whatever magic was in the air is now gone. Roboro’s brows bunch. “Sorry. I…” Embarrassment and shame with a touch of guilt fill the air, crawling up your spine and dancing on your shoulders. “I’m sorry.”
You watch Rob quickly move to cut the music and put away the record. Confusion fills you. The whole apartment feels different. “What for…?”
It shakes its head. “Nothing.” Its hands are shaking. It won’t look at you. “We, um,” it swallows, “we should get ready for bed.”
You blink, surprised. You inhale. “Yeah. Okay.”
You wait until Roboro is asleep in bed, unconscious thanks to its medication, to sneak out from under the covers and let Moose crawl in. You’re back on the couch tonight, unable to stop thinking.
You try to get comfortable. Were you not just having a good night? Did you do something wrong? All you did was-
Oh. Ohhhh. You flinched away from Roboro while it was trying to kiss you. It must’ve misinterpreted that as you pulling away.
You sigh. Stupid, stupid, stupid. You should apologize in the morning.
But you don’t get the chance to speak at all. “I think I need some space.”
The words hit you like a boulder. It barely waited for you to sit up after waking on the couch. “Just in general, or…?”
Rob won’t meet your gaze. “Yeah. My sleep meds are working. You seem to be sleeping okay. I don’t think the sleepovers are necessary anymore.”
…ha! Haha! Hahahahahahahaha!
Taking away something you considered a lifeline, all because you accidentally rejected it! Oh, and you thought you were cruel!
You bite your lip and look down, forcing yourself to hide a manic smile. “Alright. What time is it?”
“About seven-ish.”
You nod, and stand to get your bag of clothes for the day. “I have to get ready for work.”
Roboro doesn’t say anything.
You get dressed in the bathroom in tense silence, and try not to let rage consume you as you put on your skin and dim your glow.
But you're angry anyways. You’re confused, and hurt, and the guilt you taste in the air doesn’t help, and you’re so blinding angry. You throw your hair into a ponytail, one of many made from a scrap you found, and put the one you borrowed from Roboro in one of the bins organizing the contents of its bathroom.
You take a deep breath, and then another, and yet another. You can’t let Rob know. You can’t be mean. You can’t be petty. You just have to hope it passes, and then you can be friends again. Even if you aren’t close anymore. Even if it feels like your chest is tearing itself apart. It set a boundary with you. If you did the same, it would be respectful of that.
You put on a smile that’s hopefully convincing, and exit the bathroom.
Rob’s working on a quick breakfast when you come out. “You hungry?”
You shake your head. “Not really.” You pack up your bag and-
“At least take something.” You steel your nerves and turn to the kitchen. Rob’s holding out a plain croissant to you.
…ouch. You take it anyways. “Thank you.”
You feel its eyes on you while you move. The tingles around the apartment shift from shame to confusion. Why must Rob live so close to the woods? Why must it affect this damn place so much?
Why does the woods affect Roboro so negatively?
“Loop.”
It sounds cautious. You don’t turn face it while you put on your coat and boots. “Hm?”
“Will I still see you next Sunday?”
That’s right. You both planned for Yule to be at Rob’s apartment to surprise Mira with you and Taeko. “Yeah. Do you still need help decorating?”
It shakes its head. “I don’t think it’s a good idea for me to be hauling a tree up a flight of icy stairs.”
You snort. “Fair.” And you’re honest when you say that, but you were a tad excited to decorate it. “I’ll see you on Yule, then?”
It nods. “Yeah.” You finish zipping up your snow boots and take your bag. “…are you okay?”
You give it a smile. It’s fake, but it’s the best you can do right now. “I’m fine. Just tired. Call me if you need me.”
You give Moose a scratch under his chin, and leave without another word.
It’s cold outside. It feels refreshing in comparison to the intense heat of your emotions.
You’re down the stairs and walking towards your house, still in view of the apartment building, to check on the kittens real quick before work. You pause to unwrap the warm napkin protecting the offensive croissant. You look at it from every angle. It’s at least a day old, maybe two. You take a hesitant bite.
It’s warm. Buttery flakes fill your mouth and dance on your tongue. It tastes like effort and patience and love.
It tastes like…something.
Tears fill your eyes. Your anger fades into hurt. Why would Rob shut you out over something so silly? Why didn’t it just let you apologize? Or talk, for that matter?
You quietly cry while you finish your croissant. You stuff the napkin in your pocket, and try not to think.
The woods behind you is filled with regret as you go on your way.
Chapter 15
Notes:
TW Alcoholism, Depression
Chapter Text
You fill your days with work, even taking on Friday and Saturday for an exhausting six-day work week.
On your short weekend, you pay Skrivenshore a visit to refill your vodka supply. You figure you could make a pot of mulled wine or something for Yule, so you grab a dark bottle and buy some spices and groceries from their market. You’re almost counting the days until the local farmer’s market opens back up in the spring.
You’ve been trying to not take Roboro taking space away personally, but you can’t help it. There’s something else there, something you’re not seeing, but all you can see is that you flinched away when it tried to kiss you and now it’s back-tracking.
You’re still kinda pissed, but you’re more sad than anything. You miss Rob. Your skin aches for its touch. Your ears yearn for its voice. Even with the conflicting mess of feelings you have, you still want to make it laugh.
Universe above, it’s barely been a week and a half and you’re already getting melodramatic. You need to pull yourself together.
But right now, all you can feel is nerves as you sip on tea from your travel mug and shelve new copies of a Skrivenshore author that just came in. Safiya and Patricia are waltzing around the back, having looked through your card system and Patricia’s cash tracking. You’re keeping busy to try and settle your brain, but your mind is racing with a cloud of obsessive thoughts over the Rob situation added to the Pat-could-lose-this-whole-business-and-it’ll-be-all-your-fault fear.
You’re behind the bar, close to the door to the back room, when you hear them talk clearly.
“What’s this part of the contract for?”
Contract? Safiya drafted one already? Are you guys good to go? Your heart springs with hope.
“Just a security measure. For the stability of your business.”
“Saf.”
“Patty.” Safiya doesn’t sound threatened in the slightest. Her tone shifts into something more gentle. “…may I be blunt?”
“You always are.”
“We’re getting old.”
It feels like a blanket statement, but there’s something else behind it that you manage to grasp.
“I know.”
Everyone here is a deity. A god, a goddess, an immortal whatever.
“It’s okay to need help.”
But are they really immortal?
“But to mandate it in the contract? What if Luca decided to leave?”
Can gods die here?
“Then we’d give you about two months to replace them. Or the contract is null and void. Please don’t take it personally, Pat.”
Your obsessive brain lulls into an uncomfortable quiet.
“I…I’m trying not to.”
…you step away, and get back to work.
You feel numb as Safiya praises you for creating such an effective sorting system out of practically thin air before leaving for the library. You paste on your smile and shrug it off like it’s nothing, even as Pat pulls you aside and gently scolds you on your lack of an ability to take a compliment.
When you get home, the first thing you do is take the vodka from the freezer and pour a shot. Then another. Then another. You knock the glass back like you’re chugging water, and breathe.
And then you freeze.
It’s literally starting to taste like water. It's been three days and the bottle is barely two-thirds full. Plus you’re day drinking right after work, instead of before bed. How long have you been doing that?
You think about home. About Dormont, about the loops, about Stardust. You have yet to save Vaugarde. This was only supposed to be a break, after all.
But you’re tired. And comfortable, and safe, and full, and relied on, and warm. You’re not surviving anymore. You don't want to run away from here. You feel alive.
So why do you still feel like you deserve to die all over again?
…you pull out the business card from the old file Sonny gave you on your release day from the hospital, and go to your phone to make a call.
“This is Doctor Dillan.”
“Hi, Doc. It’s been awhile and you may not remember me, but-”
“Loop. Star Kid.”
You blink, stunned. “Yes, that’s me.”
“Still glowing?”
You…snort??? “Somehow.”
“How’ve you been?”
“Better. Not great, but…”
“Talk.”
Best to be blunt, right? “How do you know if you’re an alcoholic?”
Doctor Dillan is quiet for a heavy moment. “Well. That depends. Why don’t you tell me about it?”
You don’t know if it’s the booze in your system or the pain in your heart, but you spill everything. The nightmares, the drinking, the obsessive thoughts, the compulsive cleaning: it all comes out in a messy heap. “I…I’m so sorry to ramble, it’s-”
“Loop. Shut up for a minute.”
You obey.
“Breathe.”
You do that too. You take an exaggerated breath with a hand to your chest, in and out.
“Now, I can do a couple things for you. I can prescribe you some meds to help you sleep, and something to help withdrawal symptoms while you detox. The other stuff is a therapists job. Do you want me to refer you to one?”
No, says your brain. No, no, no! You don’t want to talk about your problems! You just want them to go away! You just want to be fixed! You just don’t want to be disguisting or manipulative or broken! Your voice cracks. “Yes please."
“The closest therapists office is in Skrivenshore.”
“That’s fine.”
“Good. Let me just…” You hear a combination of what sounds like clicking and writing. “Have you ever taken melatonin? Or valerian root?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Kay, let’s start with valerian root then just to get a baseline of where you’re at. That’s an over-the-counter, you don’t need a prescription for that one. You do, however, need one for naltrexone, which should help with the withdrawal symptoms.”
The voice in your head is so blinding mad, but you can’t help but feel hopeful.
“And, just in case you need any motivation to stay sober taking these, if you drink alcohol on them you could get anything from harsh cramps to fainting spells. So there’s that.”
Hilariously, that is indeed enough of a deterrent to make you think against it. “Do you know when I can pick it up at the pharmacy?”
“Should be tomorrow afternoon. They’ll call you. The therapist should call you by next week. And don’t be surprised if the pills don’t help with the nightmares right away. Cognitive behavioral therapy combined with medicine is the best way to treat that kind of thing, so stick with it for awhile. Even if it doesn’t feel like it’s working. Okay?”
You exhale. “Okay…okay.”
“You got this.”
“You sure?”
“You better. You almost died under my care, and if you end up back here, I’m never letting you live it down.”
And for the first time in a week, you smile.
When you wake up the next morning for work, you tie up the bottle of wine and the spices you bought with a ribbon and write Mira’s name on it. She was never a drinker, but you know she’ll appreciate the gesture.
And then you realize that you still need to get everyone else presents. Whoops.
So you come home after work with your new medications, wrapping paper, Taeko’s gift, and clear tape. You assess what little you have to give Roboro. If it would even take anything from you at this point.
You cringe, but you still want to be its friend. You still want to apologize if you did something wrong.
You look at your old dress. Pieces of it are gone at the hem for one thing or another. You cut off a small square, and go to work.
The nice thing about this fabric in particular is that the stars don’t stretch like the other patterns do. It stays a consistent midnight sparkle that dances in the light, no matter what direction you pull it, like a liquid night sky. You hope Rob can use it in a personal project or something.
Your throat swells. You don’t want to feel.
You head straight to the kitchen, take out the vodka from the freezer, and drain it down the sink before you even think about giving yourself the chance to stop.
You took your first set of pills that night. You slept so hard that you almost missed your alarm. You were groggy, but friendlier. You didn’t have to watch your friends die again. You smiled a lot more.
The exhaustion doesn’t fade by the time Yule comes around.
Rob sent you and Taeko identical letters to meet in his apartment while he was gone picking up Mira from Skrivenshore. You feel empty as you get there first, walking into an unlocked apartment on the second floor. Moose happily greets you after you set your presents on the coffee table. It smells like cake, but you don’t see any dinner.
You walk into the kitchen and look around. Sure enough, there’s a Yule Log covered in a painted chocolate glaze and whipped cream. Peeking into the trashcan, you see what looks to be a burnt ham sitting pathetically at the bottom. Would it be a bad look if you whipped up some dinner for you all? Just to take something off of its plate. Clearly it tried something already, and you can’t find a back-up plan in the fridge. In fact, you can’t find anything in the fridge. It’s almost bare in there!
So you get to work. You dig out and peel off a few clean pieces of the saddest hunk of meat you’ve ever seen, omitting the blackened char on the outside, as a future treat for Moose. You start up some frozen sausage and kale on the stove, chop the rest of an onion you found, and smash a few cloves of garlic from the pantry. You've gotten good at cooking. You've been doing it more ever since you couldn't fill your time thinking about when you could drink to sleep next.
You’re checking the oven to make sure nothing is inside when the front door opens. “Loop?”
Taeko’s voice makes you smile. “Oh, hey! Happy Yule!”
“Hey! This…” Taeko looks around. “Is this what it considers decoration?”
You haven’t really looked around yet to be honest. The apartment looks almost naked. Actually, it specifically looks like Roboro cleaned and picked up some stray items maybe an hour ago. There’s not a record on the machine, or anything picked out really. “I don’t know.” You open the junk drawer behind you and pull out some tapers. “Is there still a candelabra over there? It should be on the desk over by the bookcases.”
“Seems to be.”
You set the candles on the counter. “Do you mind setting these up over there?”
“Not at all.”
You let Taeko focus on zhuzhing up the place a little while you make dinner, adding cream and broth to your creation while cheesy garlic bread toasts in the oven. “How’s it looking over there?”
“Much better.” You look over and find unlit candles the presents you brought at the center of the table, the hidden seats pulled out. Taeko, who thankfully knew what the hell a record player was, even managed to pick out an instrumental album for background noise. “Do I need to set out the cutlery?”
“…maybe? I don’t know how it wants this set up.”
“Was the plan not for you to make dinner here?”
You shake your head. “I found a ham in the trash and nothing else. I figured I’d beg for forgiveness later.”
She snorts a little, her smile falling. “…it’s not doing well, is it?”
No, it’s not. The apartment is normally clean all the time. Its fridge usually reminds you of something you’d find in a line cook’s walk-in, full of labels and dates on plastic containers holding prepped ingredients. All of this lack of planning is very unlike Rob. It had been pretty excited to host Yule here, and now you’re wondering if you should have just sucked it up and called it to hash everything out by force. “I don’t know. We haven’t talked in a few weeks.”
“So it’s isolating itself. I was wondering why the letters stopped.”
It’s not just you? You pull the bread out of the oven. “While we’re on that topic, sorry I haven’t written. I’ve had stuff going on.”
“Oh? Do tell.”
“Well-” It’s right then when the front door opens to Roboro and…Mira.
She doesn’t look all that different, to be honest. Her hair is pinned and pulled back into a proper bun with the help of a ribbon you recognize as a piece of her old bow. Her clothes no longer have her aligned with the House of Change. She’s just in black jeans, snow boots, a warm parka trimmed with fur, and metal drop earrings.
She still looks like herself. You smile.
Her jaw drops, looking between you and Taeko. “What? What!? You’re here!?”
You giggle. “Hi! I made food. I hope I wasn’t invading.”
The air in the apartment, just as you were expecting, suddenly shifts. You feel a heaviness looming, but there are elements of other emotions. Surprise, for one. Is that joy you sense? And…relief. Rob glances around its home and smiles at you, eyes glistening. “Thank you,” it manages quietly.
You watch in real time as Mira and Taeko’s faces mold into confusion. You just smile back. “You’re welcome. Now, can I hug her or is she off-limits?”
“You hug people now- c’mere!!!”
You grin and turn the corner of the counter just in time for Mira to barrel into you with a happy spin and everything, your laughter filling the room. Collective joy slowly turns into tears of relief. You hold her tight. “We’re here,” you sniffle. “We’re okay.”
Taeko comes over and joins you both, carefully hugging the two of you. “I will ask, are you still Mirabelle or do you go by something else?”
“S-Still Mira,” she manages through sobs. “God, I’m sorry, I’m…I’m so happy to see you guys.”
You rub her back. “Tell me about it.” You open your eyes, and notice Rob standing by the door still. Moose is all over him, sniffing him with ferocity and trying to herd him into sitting down. You stick out your hand a little and make a grabby motion.
Its face twists, almost like it’s trying not to cry, and shakes its head a little.
You frown, and try not to feel upset as you drop your hand and hold Mira and Taeko to you.
Considering the circumstances, you are perfectly content listening to Taeko and Mira swap stories and tell the table of their adventures while you try to pretend you don’t occasionally feel Roboro’s eyes on you. It’s been smiling and laughing, but you recognize an act when you see one. You politely avoid the open booze sitting in front of you on the table, ignoring how much Moose has been switching between you and Rob in worry. You make sure to give him lots of lovings to reassure him that, especially with whatever is going on between the two of you, Rob clearly needs him more. You want to drag it outside and demand answers. Mira and Taeko would absolutely ask questions that you wouldn’t be able to cover efficiently. You don't know if you should fill them in.
“Dinner was really good, Loop.”
…that might be the first whole sentence it’s said all night. You give a genuine smile with a nod, a bite of cake roll in your mouth. You swallow. “Thanks! Dessert is excellent.”
The table choruses in agreement. Rob doesn’t say anything, but you notice a dusting of heat across its cheeks. “James taught me how to make them last week.”
“James?”
“One of Rob’s coworkers,” you say. “He’s sweet. Kinda like a puppy. Great sense of humor.”
“He’s very kind,” Rob agrees. “Although the puppy analogy is new…”
“Am I wrong?”
Rob’s eyes narrow in thought. “…no.” The whole table bursts into giggles. Rob slowly smiles. “Dammit Loop, now I’m thinking about it and that’s really accurate.”
You grin. “Sorry?”
It shakes its head and takes a swig of its scotch. You can smell it from where you’re sitting across the table.
You try not to think about it too much.
“So, Loop,” Taeko smiles. “You where telling me earlier that life got busy? What’s going on in your corner?”
You sigh. “Oi. Well. I caved. I bought sleep meds.”
Rob’s eyebrows perk.
“Nothing crazy, just over the counter stuff. It’s working well so far, but I’m still struggling through the side effects.”
Mira sighs. “Are nightmares a given with all of us then?”
Taeko nods. “I coped by just not sleeping for a long time. I don’t recommend it.” She turns to Rob. “What about you?”
You can practically see beads of sweat forming on Rob’s forehead. “It’s been hit or miss. I’m trying out a new one tonight.”
…this is its third attempt at a new medication in the past, what, two months? Three? Doctor Dillan said something about that, something to do with combining meds and therapy. Maybe that’s something you should tell Rob later. “I wish you luck,” is all you say instead with a sympathetic smile.
“So what else?” Mira’s eyes are shining. “Roboro wrote that one of their ‘new friends’ worked in Patty’s Pages? Is that you perhaps?”
“That’s me.”
Taeko swallows a sip of scotch. “By the way, how’d all that drama go?”
You quickly fill Mira in on everything that’s been happening in the past three months regarding the bookstore. “Safiya came in about a week ago and assessed everything.”
Rob’s on the edge of its seat. “And?”
You’d find its eagerness cute if it hadn’t shut you out; it would’ve been the first to know. “We’re good. We got a contract for a year.”
Taeko grins. “That’s wonderful!”
The air shifts. There’s hope, and…a tinge of disappointment. “Thanks.”
Mira raises an eyebrow. “You don’t exactly look thrilled.”
“Oh, I’m just tired. I think I’ll be more excited later when it all hits me.”
She gives you a smile. “We’ll be here to celebrate when you do.”
“How long are you in town for?”
“A couple months. Probably until March or April.”
You let the conversation shift back into the places Mira has been and all that she’s seen. You try to ignore Rob and the impending sense of dread creeping up your spine.
“While I’m thinking of it, should we do presents?” Taeko passes around the few that used to be on the table.
“Ooh, let's!” Mira takes her packages and the bag of spices tied to the bottle of wine you made. “What’s this?”
“A mulled-wine-making kit.”
Her eyes light up. “Ooh! And it’s good wine too. Very well done!”
You smile. You’re glad you guessed correctly! You’re opening Mira’s immaculately wrapped gift when she stops you with a hand on your wrist.
“Before you open that!!! Please, please, take it at face value.”
Your brows bunch with a confused grin. “Okay???” You carefully pick open the tape and find a tiny box inside. You open the lid and…and…
They’re earrings. They’re shiny and heavy and a little dangly. Probably silver. A metal bead holds a hanging starburst, carved with little lines that start at the middle and shoot outward. “I’ve never seen you wear earrings,” Mira softly explains. “But my Siffrin told me that his ears were indeed pierced. I didn’t know if you’d be interested in something that’s a Vaugardian tradition, but-”
“No, it’s okay.” You take them out and hold it to the light, in complete and utter awe. You’re touched. “Shit, Mira, they’re beautiful. Thank you!”
“You’re welcome,” she smiles. “Now I wanna see everyone else open theirs!”
Taeko and Rob take their turns in stride, grateful and appreciative of their gifts of fancy paper and sewing supplies. You pick up Taeko’s while she laughs at your poor attempt at winning the war on wrapping paper. “I think you might’ve officially made a new kind of weapon, Loop.”
“You should see Rob’s,” you groan. You hear it snort from across the table. “It’s bad.”
Taeko just grins as she opens her present, a book you picked out from the store for her. It’s a shiny tome covered in planets and stars. “Oh! This is…?”
“It’s not directly linked to my culture,” you explain, “but it is the scientific parts of it with newer research. I didn’t know if you’d be interested in it, but during my loops you always showed me the Family Tale and talk about how it related to your country. I figured you'd might want a piece of mine.”
Taeko blinks at you, stunned. “That’s…that’s very thoughtful.” She looks it over in her hands, a soft smile forming on her face. She reaches over and ruffles your hair. “You’re still a good kid, Little Crow.”
Your heart lifts at the old nickname. “Kid? Rude???”
The table chuckles while you and the others open your gifts from her. All of them are pieces of jewelry, with a new pair of earrings for Roboro and a pendant for Mira.
“I’m sensing a theme,” you joke as you open the lid of your present. You pause at the sight of a silver hair pin, Ka Buean in nature, with several birds in mid-flight crowning the top. Beads that remind you of the dewdrops you used to see on the leaves in the forest dribble down in long strands, painting a picture of crows flying through the rain. “Wow,” you whisper.
“I didn’t know if you could make use of it, but you seem to like it either way,” Taeko jokes.
“I have long hair now,” you reply. “Can you teach me how to do it later?”
“Of course!”
You take a sip of water before you assess the last gift in your pile. Everyone begins to open Rob’s gifts excitedly. You…don’t know how it’ll react to yours. What if it hates it? Says it’s lovely to your face, and then throws it out later?
“You knit?” Taeko’s surprise brings you out of your head.
“Crochet,” Rob chuckles. “Does it fit?”
You all watch her carefully stand up to try on what looks to be a crochet lace kimono that flows down to her knees. “This is insane. We agree this is insane, right? There’s so much detail.”
Mirabelle opens hers as you giggle and pulls out a thick sweater with embroidered plum flowers on the edges. “It's so soft! Thank you!”
You grin. “Those look amazing! Well done, Roboro.”
You don’t know if using its nickname is appropriate right now, but you instantly regret not trying it out; hurt crosses its features for a millisecond before it fills the astmosphere. “Thank you. You should open yours.”
You bite your tongue and look down. The box is heavy and barely fits in your hand. Whatever it is, it isn’t clothing.
You pull the ribbon and pull off the top. An ornate box sits inside.
“Oh, that’s pretty! Let us see!”
You carefully pop it out at Mira’s request, and look at it properly. You notice a knob on the back. “A music box?”
“Open it,” Rob gently prods.
You obey. A pair you recognize as Christine and Raoul unfolds, dancing in the snow together. “It’s Phantom Of The Opera!”
Taeko peeks over your shoulder. “Is that a show? What song does it play?”
“Probably Masquerade. Most of the music boxes do.” You turn the knob, and take a moment to listen.
…it’s All I Ask Of You.
You try to breathe.
You catch Rob’s smile. “I had yours made already, but I saw that last week and I couldn’t resist.”
Last week? While…while you’ve been apart?
Have you misinterpreted this whole thing? Is it not angry at you? Have you just left it to wallow alone, thinking it was blaming you for something you didn’t do?
You’re confused as hell. You smile back. “Thank you.”
Rob quickly looks away, focusing on the haphazard present you gave it. “Y-You’re welcome.”
You hear Taeko fail to hide a snort next to your ear.
It tears through the wrapping paper and pauses at the sight. The tension you’ve been feeling from the woods next door slowly ceases into a lull. Rob’s eyes sparkle at the sight of the fabric inside, pulling it up and out for everyone to see.
“Oh, wow!” Mira carefully feels the edge of it.
“Is that charmeuse?” Taeko gapes at the glitter. “That’s incredible. Where did you find it?”
“I came here wearing it.”
The table slowly looks at you; Rob drops the fabric in an instant and gapes. “You came out of the time loop wearing clothes!?”
You burst into surprised giggles. Mira raises an eyebrow. “You didn’t?”
“I know I did,” Taeko chuckles. “Did you…not…come out dressed?”
“No! I was buck ass! I had to go back into the House to- what do you mean you were all dressed!?” The table cackles with laughter. You shrug with a grin, watching it stand up with a huff. “I’m gonna go put this away.” It storms off dramatically, entertaining Mira and Taeko endlessly.
The three of you eventually settle into a comfortable calm. “…you should go check on it, Loop.”
You raise an eyebrow. “Why…?”
“Because something’s not right.”
The fear of confrontation makes you woozy, but Taeko’s right. You steel your nerves and stand up.
Mira watches you with concern, her eyes darting between the both of you. “What’s going on?”
“I’ll explain while they’re out.”
You knock on its bedroom door. “Rob…?”
Their voice is quiet. “Come in.”
You open the door to step inside and quickly close it behind you. Its room has seen better days. Old laundry is piled in a corner. Its sewing table is a mess. The curtains are drawn, and Rob’s projects are covered in a small layer of dust.
You’re starting to realize exactly how it’s been these past few weeks as you watch it look over the fabric.
You approach it, sitting next to it on its bed. “Hey,” you whisper.
“Hey,” it whispers back. It's smile is gone, the rough demeanor from earlier shrugged off like a cardigan. Rob thumbs through each glistening star. “It’s beautiful.”
“Isn’t it?”
“…thank you.”
You smile with a relieved sigh. “You’re welcome.”
You both sit in silence in the dark for a moment. “You’re getting better at that.”
“At what?”
“Taking compliments. Making conversation. That sort of thing.”
“It’s easier with friends.”
“You barely know us.”
For some reason, that feels like a slap in the face. “That’s…true.”
“So don’t you think it’s time for you to go back?”
Your heart sinks. “I’m sorry, what?”
The room grows heavy. “You found stability. You’re not malnourished. You’re…healthy. Isn’t it time?”
Roboro doesn’t look at you as it rips your guts out and lays them on the floor for you to stare at. First it asks you for space right after an almost-kiss, and now it’s telling you to leave the first place you remember calling home? All because it can’t stand to look at you?
Rage flows through your veins, but you don’t yell. It’s dead quiet until you finally speak up:
“That’s cruel of you to say.”
Its finger twitches. “Is it? Or is it just accurate-”
“Cruel, Rob.” Your cheeks burn in anger. “I told you that I accomplished something major that will benefit a business that everyone loves, and that I’m finally on some meds that work, and you respond by telling me to willingly walk back into my own personal hell without a second thought? Just because I’m stable? That’s an awful thing to say to someone.”
The aura around you both, the curse of the woods, Roboro’s true feelings: it all has something else to say. Its raw. Prickly. Unreliable. “Maybe,” it responds quietly. It still won’t look at you. “Someone needed to say something.”
Hot tears fill your eyes. “…Roboro, I don’t know what’s going on or why you’re acting so weird, but that’s a shitty cover-up for just not wanting to be friends.”
That catches its attention. The air grows thick in your throat. “What? No, I-”
“Then what is it? Because surely this isn’t some long-winded petty-ass reaction to you thinking I didn’t want to kiss you.”
Rob…doesn’t say anything to that. You know there’s an open bottle of scotch in the next room to quench your pain.
You take a heavy breath, wipe your face, and stand up. “I don’t want to speak to you until you’re ready to apologize. Please.” You don’t wait for a response; you exit its room without another word.
Mira and Taeko are both nervously sitting on the couch, plates and wrapping paper cleaned up and presents sorted. “Well?”
You can feel what you left behind. A mixture of shock and hope and doubt and shame thin its way through the barrier of the door. You exhale, and wipe away a few stray tears. “Yeah,” you confirm. “Something is definitely wrong.”
Chapter 16
Notes:
TW: Major depression and suicide mention
Chapter Text
Even after the three of you agreed that you and Rob shouldn’t be in contact for now due to the circumstances, Roboro skipping its turn to deliver coffee that next Monday post-Yule left you spiraling.
You can’t drink you can’t drink you can’t drink! There’s nothing in the house, thank the Universe, but you’ll be going to Skrivenshore tomorrow after work for your first therapy appointment where you know there’s a liquor store nearby. You can only hope that you’ll be too distracted to think about it.
You’re sitting on the floor in your nightgown, brushing the kittens maybe an hour or so after work and a shower, when you get a call. “Hello?”
“Hi, is this Luca?”
You smile. “Yup. Hey Maria.”
“Hey! I just wanted to call and let you know of our progress.”
You kick back and quietly thank the Universe in your head for the distraction. It’s the little things that are getting you by these days. “Awesome, how goes it?”
“It’s going! We’re almost done. We could probably move you in by the first week of February.”
That soon? You only have a month left of the world’s most boring temporary housing? Your chest flutters.
And then your stomach drops. You need a bed. And furniture and kitchen supplies and more clothes that are actually yours and Universe above this process just got way more expensive. Your next thought is how you could ask Rob for help until you remember that it’s out of the picture for now and get angry about it all over again.
“That’s great! Could you give me a call in advance when it’s all good? Just so I can get everything together on my end.”
You listen to building details for a few more minutes before Maria says she has to go, leaving you to stew in your emotions in silence. You may be spiteful, but there’s an element of worry. Is this how the Housemaiden felt the morning after slapping Stardust? Full of conflicting love over someone so much that you push past the bad and hope that your gut is right?
…love?
No. No, no! You almost laugh. You don’t love Roboro. You like it. A lot. To the point where sometimes you’d just think about its laugh and smile to yourself with a warm feeling in your chest.
You pound down that invasive thought with a mental hammer until all you wanna think about is the ringing in your ears.
Therapy comes that Wednesday. “It’s nice to meet you, sir.”
An older man with kind eyes and a matching smile regards you warmly inside a private room in an office building. “Please call me Jian. Luca, was it?”
You nod. “Were you told why I’m here?”
“I didn’t get a lot of details, but thankfully this first appointment is meant to establish them. Why don’t you tell me about yourself?”
Um. Well. “I work at a bookstore in Amonwood. I have a cat and she has kittens.” You try to think. “There’s…not a lot of me here.”
“What do you mean?”
You go quiet. “We aren’t allowed to talk about that kind of stuff.”
“In Amonwood.”
“Sorry?”
“I hear Amonwood has had some…odd rules added as of the past year or so, but whatever is going on over there doesn’t affect Skrivenshore. You can talk without restriction here.”
…oh, Doctor Dillan, you genius. You make a mental note to thank him later.
And then you realize you have no idea how the hell you’re going to explain the whole trapped-in-a-time-loop thing to someone who isn’t from your dimension. Your awareness must show on your face from how much Jian is smiling at you. “Overwhelming, isn’t it?”
You nod. “I don’t know where to start.”
“Would the beginning work? Where you’re from, what your childhood was like-”
“Um. Yeah. No.” You carefully explain to Jian that whatever or wherever your country is, it’s all gone. You talk about the Universe, your memory problems, Wish Craft, and eventually the time loop.
“Do you know what caused it?”
“…I made a wish to stay with my friends.” Shame and embarrassment flood you. You avert your eyes.
“And then you forgot the wish, I presume?”
You nod.
“So how do you remember now?”
You feel your throat grow tight. “Well…I was in there for a long time.”
“How long?”
Your knuckles turn white as your hands tighten into fists in your lap. “Over a decade.”
Jian whistles. “That’s a good minute there. How did you get out?”
Don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry- “I…uh…” You swallow. “I gave up.” You try to take a deep breath. It exits in stutters.
Jian’s voice is soft. Gentle. “It’s okay to do that sometimes. I was always told that the Gods only give us what we can handle, but I stopped believing that a long time ago.”
Small tears spill over. “I-” The dam breaks. A sob rips through you. You put your head in your hands. “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, I-”
“It’s okay. This is why I’m here.” And his voice is just firm enough for you to believe that he isn’t lying.
You manage to go straight home, too tired to do anything else, and spend the rest of the day crying on and off. Jupiter is there to dry your tears. You feel raw, like one of the strings you have, being controlled by the Universe as Its favorite marionette, has been cut.
You have a cup of tea, and a hot bath. You push away thoughts of Roboro. You don’t want to think about it right now. And to your credit, you only have one nightmare that night. It barely bothers you. You don’t remember what it was about in the morning.
But of course, you start to feel more anxious by the time Monday rolls around again. A part of you hopes that Roboro will walk in with an apology, or to ask you if you both can talk later at the very least, and the other is extremely worried as to why its behavior has changed so drastically.
You know that you aren’t the only one that's concerned the minute you see the look on Sam’s face when he enters the building with your lattes. “Morning Patty, Luca. Can I steal you for a minute?”
“What do you mean it hasn’t shown up for work?”
“It’s called out two days in a row, which has never happened before, and with how it’s been acting I was hoping you’d know something.”
You shake your head. “We haven’t talked since Yule.”
Concern fills his features. “Huh. Can I ask?”
You shrug. “We had a fight. Rob was being a dick and I told it to not talk to me until it was ready to apologize.”
Sam snorts. “Well, we haven’t been dealing with that, but…” He sighs. “It’s been withdrawn. More so than usual. I can normally get Rob to laugh a little at least once a day, but now it barely says a word to either of us. It looks so tired that I was half-tempted to pin it down and make it talk, but then it didn’t know up yesterday or today. And now I’m getting worried.”
That’s…not good. You recall Rob hated missing work. You thought he found it therapeutic. If he’s avoiding something he loves, then- “Do you want me to go talk to it?”
“Not if you don’t want to. More like I wanted to make a game plan. Just in case.”
Just in case? “Has this happened in the past?”
“Something like it. Not to this degree.”
You were right! Something is wrong! “How about I go check on them after work, and I call you if I get any answers?”
Sam’s eyes light up a little. “That would be great!”
You two swap numbers and part ways with heavy hearts and a hell of a lot more anxiety than what you woke up with, so you fill the day with busy-work. You organize and dust and shelve. You stay moving so you don’t have to think about how worried you are.
You stop by your place to make sure the kittens are fed before heading over, treking through January snow with determination. You didn’t even realize that you were running until you find yourself breathless in front of his door. You knock sharply. Then again. “Rob, it’s me,” you say hesitantly. “I know you’re mad at me, but can we talk?”
Nothing. You hear Moose barking at the door.
Is it ignoring you? A flush of anger rises within you. You knock again. “Look, Sam sent me and frankly I’m worried as hell about you so can you just let me in and we can get this conversation over with!?”
Silence. You try the door- oh, it’s open! You step inside and are immediately met with dust, darkness, and...a vague vomiting sound in the back.
Welp. It wasn’t lying about being sick. You close the door behind you, quickly pet a troubled Moose, and rush to the bathroom.
Roboro looks like hell. It’s pastier than usual, its whole body shaking over the toilet bowl. The stars on its body are blinking in and out more rapidly too. It doesn’t smell great either, but you won’t judge it for that considering the circumstances.
“Touch,” you loudly warn while you grab a hair tie for it and pull its leaves back into a ponytail.
Rob only responds with a cough and a groan.
“I’m gonna go get you a water,” you state before bolting to the kitchen, not giving it a chance to tell you no. You make sure the glass is nice and cold.
You take a minute to peek in the fridge. Still empty. The kitchen is almost dusty. The living room is dusty. The curtains are drawn, and Moose continues to pace nervously. The entire apartment feels off, almost heavy, just like it did during Yule when Rob first walked in.
…the ham is still in the trash can, molding at the bottom. You see a couple of take-out boxes on top. It’s not nearly enough to have fed it for two weeks.
Oh, Universe, you knew all of these signs looked familiar you blinding idiot. You rush back to Rob who’s currently leaning against the cold wall behind it.
On top of everything else, the bathroom mirror is covered up with a blanket??? You make a mental note and pass it the water glass. “Swish and spit,” you say aloud, remembering what it told you.
“Sipping only,” it says with a scratchy voice and gaunt cheekbones. “I know.”
You’re half-tempted to slump down onto the floor with it, but you remain strong. “…what’s going on Rob?”
It exhales. “Sick. Dunno what it is.”
“Not that.” You point outside of the bathroom. “That. All of this.”
Rob doesn’t look at you. “…it’s fine. I have it under control.”
“You do not.”
“Yes I-”
“No-”
“Will you stay out of it!?”
You flinch. Roboro’s always been stern, and blunt, and too grumpy for its own good, but it’s never raised its voice at you before.
And from the look on its face, you know that it’s already regretting it.
You take a deep breath. “…I’m gonna go take Moose for a walk.”
Rob blinks in surprise.
“I’m gonna take him for a run, actually. And then I will be back. And when you get better, we can talk about why you’re turning into a reclusive asshole~!” You don’t give him a chance to respond; you turn around and huff away towards the door where Moose’s leash hangs. You get your coat and shoes on, stuff your pockets with pick-up bags, and call over Moose to hook him up.
“Please be safe,” you hear Rob call out from the bathroom, a nervous twinge to its tone.
You…sigh. You don’t understand it right now. Well, actually, you do, you just wish you didn’t. “We’ll be back soon.”
You and Moose spend as much time as it takes outside for you to cool off enough to breathe.
You’re still angry! Even after seeing how it’s been living, how it’s been surviving, you can’t help the rage that burns through you. You just wish you could stop being! So! Selfish!
You kick a pile of snow in frustration. You throw snowballs for Moose to chase. You both jog about in the field. You’d like to say that you’d gotten all your energy out just from running amuck, but the dark aura from the woods is sucking you dry like it’s been parched for years.
Moose’s panting tells you that you’re not the only one who’s burnt out. “Tell me about it, handsome,” you coo while scratching his ears. “Someone’s gotta keep your papa grounded in reality. Or your baba. Whatever. I’ll ask when I don’t want to wring its neck.”
After disposing of any used bags in the dumpster, the two of you go back up the stairs to find Rob in the kitchen. “...hi.”
“Hey,” you respond almost curtly, focused on getting Moose dried with the towel hanging by the door. “He got a lot of energy out.”
“Good, good,” it mutters.
You finish taking off your stuff. You’re dreading this conversation. You take a moment to-
A hiss followed by a staggered breath forces you to turn around and face Rob. It’s bent over, holding its stomach with tight features and gritted teeth.
“Rob?” You speed over. “Where does it hurt?”
“Right side,” it manages. “It’s fine, its-”
“Right lower side?”
“Yeah…” You two make eye contact. “Why?”
A vague memory from a long time ago - oh Universe it’s been decades now - pops in your mind of watching someone collapse. “When did it start?”
“Maybe last night?”
You can’t remember their face, but they were holding their right side, weren’t they? You feel your blood go cold. “Has it been getting worse?”
Rob’s about to answer when it hisses and doubles over again, using the countertop as a brace. You can actually see sweat dripping down its face.
You run over to your coats and shove your shoes on before grabbing his. “We’re going to the hospital.”
“What? But-”
“No buts. We’re going.”
Your stern tone makes it flinch. “…okay.”
The worst part of it all was that you ended up being right about how sick it was.
You two were barely down the stairs when Rob started quietly weeping from the pain. “It’s okay,” you whisper. “It’s a short walk. We’ll be there soon.”
You both slowly lumber in silence for awhile, taking occasional breaks for it to catch its breath. It isn’t long before you gently take one of its arms and wrap it around your shoulders for it to lean on you if need be. “Thank you,” Rob manages.
“Mhm.”
A sniffle escapes him. You can practically see the lights coming from the E.R. section of the hospital. “Loop.”
“Hm?”
“I-” It suddenly stops, pushes you away, and leans over to retch in the snow.
You come over anyways to hold its ponytail and rub its back. “We’re almost there,” you coax. “We’re almost done.”
It coughs, spits, and wipes its face clean. You listen to it breathe. “I-I’m sorry,” it croaks. “For yelling at you.”
You inhale sharply. Universe above, you could explode with how angry you’ve been at it this past month, but the apology for one tiny thing that seems so inconsequential in comparison puts a temporary balm on your pain. “We’ll talk about it when you feel better,” you state. “We’re almost there.”
Rob slowly nods with a sniffle. You watch its eyes squint with pain. “…I can’t move,” it whispers.
“We have to,” you whisper back.
“I…I can’t…” Roboro suddenly slumps-
No.
Its knees buckle to the-
No.
You rush forward. “Rob!?”
You can hear how labored his breathing is becoming, its whole body shaking as it hugs its stomach. “I can’t,” it finally whispers.
No no nononononoyoucan’twatchitdieyoucan’twatchanyonedieyou can’t watch a piece of your family die again!!! “I-I’ll be right back with help, okay?”
And you bolt.
You kick through snow towards the hospital with lightning speed, much faster than you’ve ever had to run before, taking off your skin and letting yourself glow to save energy. You kick off over a patch of ice and-
You land. Right in front of the hospital doors. Of which you could barely see the lights of a blink ago.
You…what!?
Okay okay okay there’s no time for that!!! You burst inside in a panic. “I need help!”
And honestly? The rest is a blur from there.
You managed to quickly convince two E.R. staff to follow you with a stretcher, leading them to Roboro still curled up on the snow, until you blinked and suddenly you find yourself in a waiting room chair wrapped in a shock blanket.
“Luca? Still here?”
Doctor Dillan’s voice is more gentle than what you’re used to hearing from him. “Y-Yeah. Can you repeat what you said?”
“Robert’s in surgery. Kari’s assisting. She let me know that they’re pretty sure its appendix burst. You got it here just in time.”
You inhale. “Will it be okay?”
“Should be. Appendicitis is pretty common, although it’s rare for a deity to get one.”
You sniffle. “We were human first.”
Dillan raises an eyebrow. “Oh?” He takes a seat next to you. “When’d it happen?”
You wipe your face. Were you crying? “A little over a decade ago for me. About fifteen years for Rob.”
His eyes widen. “Good God, Clyde wasn’t kidding. You two are young.”
You squint. “Do you break client confidentiality with my boss’s husband often?”
He chuckles. “No, never. He just talks about his employees sometimes, and he’ll mention you when he talks about the bookstore.”
“All good things, I hope?”
His smile falls a little. “You? Yes. But Clyde’s a little concerned for Robert.”
You think about the state of its apartment, its behavior, the aura of everything around it. “I see.”
“Have any info I should know about? For medical reasons, obviously.”
What a snoop! But he does have a point. What’s going on with Rob is bad enough that it denied pain management for almost twenty-four hours. It’s not taking care of itself, probably barely taking care of Moose by default. The trashcan is growing its own ecosystem at this point.
But if you tell Dillan this, tell a trusted doctor to do his job and try to protect it from its own harm, it may never forgive you for that. You know what its like to want to keep the darkest corners of yourself secret.
But you know what? You’d rather it be alive and furious than dead. “Actually, there is something, but I don’t know how to help.”
So you spend the next half hour or so telling Doctor Dillan all of the weird behaviors you’ve seen, like the self-isolation, the physical mood shifting in the apartment, and how it seems to be falling apart but won’t tell anyone what’s going on. He scribbles everything down in a pocket book with the worst handwriting you’ve ever seen. “Yup. Those are classic depression symptoms.”
But why? It was talking about therapy before, and then you two almost kissed and…oh God, did you actually trigger something?
Doctor Dillan puts away his notes and stands up. “I make no guarantees, but I’ll see what I can do.”
You nod. “Thank you. Sorry to steal so much of your time.”
He shakes his head with a smile. “You did good, Luca. Will you still be here when Robert gets out of surgery?”
You nod. “While I wait, is there a phone anywhere I could use?”
“Around the corner. By the way, you’re glowing.”
You blink in surprise at the compliment before deciphering his message; you inhale, and cover your skin and hair. “Thanks. Sorry.”
“Hello?”
The hospital wall is just cold enough to keep you grounded in reality. “Hey, Patricia! It’s Luca.”
“Oh, hi! How are you?”
“I’m fine, this is gonna sound weird but can I speak to Clyde? It’s about Robert.”
“Is it okay?”
And when you know Clyde is listening, you update them on its health. “It’s still in surgery now. I’m not sure what recovery time looks like.”
“Okay. So for the time being I can schedule it out starting next Thursday instead of this upcoming one, and you keep us updated alright?”
You sigh with relief. “Thank you, Clyde.”
“Of course. Is there anything else we can do to help?”
You think about how you first came out of the hospital to a clean house with warm sheets and a full fridge. “It’ll need meals when it gets out of the hospital?”
“I can handle that,” Pat pipes up. “I’ll make some calls and see what I can do, okay? Just let me know when it’ll be discharged.”
“Will do.”
Roboro finally got out of surgery around the two-hour mark. It’s still asleep when you call Taeko.
“Who is this?”
“It’s Loop.” The lull of anxiety that you’ve been shoving down is starting to bubble at the comforting sound of her voice. “Rob’s in the hospital.”
Her annoyed tone immediately shifts. “Is he okay?”
You sniffle. “Y-Yeah, he just got out of surgery.”
“…surgery?”
“Mhm. He had appendicitis. Practically dragged him to the E.R.”
You hear a sigh of relief. “Okay. Not…not an attempt, right?”
“No, no, no,” you quickly say. “It was sick, almost delusional. I don’t think it even knew how bad it was. I just wanted to call and let you know what was going on.”
“Good, thank you. I didn’t realize you two were talking again.”
You sigh. “We’re not, not really. Sam asked me to check on it after it called out two days in a row. It didn’t fight me on going to the E.R. at least.”
“That’s something. Is there anything I can do?”
You ponder. “…I’m sorry to ask this, but I really need help cleaning its apartment.”
You hear some shuffling and the click of a pen. “When?”
“Maybe tomorrow after I get off work? I don’t know when Rob will be discharged. I’m taking Moose with me tonight to my place.”
“Okay. Hm.” Taeko pauses in thought. “I don’t know about tomorrow for me, but I bet Mirabelle could come in and help. I can be there Wednesday.”
That’s…that’s something! You won’t have to clean alone! “Do you have her number?”
“Yeah, but I'll coordinate with her for you. You sound exhausted.”
You are exhausted! And you want to cry, but this needs to get done first. “Okay.” You sniffle. “I get off work around three. I’ll keep Rob’s door unlocked just in case she wants to get in earlier than that.”
“She probably will,” Taeko chuckles. “Go get some rest, okay?”
You take in a shaky breath. “O-Okay. Thank you, Taeko.”
“Always, Loop. Good luck.”
Roboro’s hospital room is quieter than yours was. There’s no oxygen tank whirring away in the background. The I.V. hanging from the holder next to it is only full of saline with no nutrient bags in sight.
Just surgery. No malnutrition or lung problems in sight.
…you’re shaking. You still have the shock blanket over your shoulders. You pull it a little tighter around you as you approach Rob, still asleep in its bed.
Somehow, despite being cut open less than an hour ago, it looks better. You’ve always envied how peaceful Rob looks when asleep. Its cheeks are still a little sharper, eyes a tad more gaunt than usual, but it’s still Roboro. Still alive.
You watch it breathe for a moment before picking up a chair and placing it next to its bed. You don’t care if you’re mad at it, or if it’ll be mad at you later. Roboro’s okay. That’s all that matters at the moment. You take a seat by its legs and curl up, head resting on your arms.
The sheets below you twitch. You hear a low groan. “Loop…?”
You sit up fast enough to sprain your neck. “I’m here.”
Rob’s eyes are half-lidded with exhaustion. A sleepy smile spreads over its face. “Hey sweetheart.”
Sweetheart!? It must be high on painkillers. That or its brain is mixing you up with its old Siffrin. It doesn’t stop your heart from skipping a beat. “H-Hey,” you sigh. “How’re you feeling?”
“Mmmm.” It gives a slow blink, its hand twitching and reaching out for yours.
You scoot your chair over and gently take it. “Better?”
“Mhm.” Rob’s thumb strokes the back of your palm. Its eyes lock on the shock blanket around your shoulders. “You okay?”
You nod with a yawn, switching hands with it and crossing your arms to rest your head once more. “Tired. Don’t remember when they gave me this.”
It seems satisfied with that answer. “…will you stay?”
You give its hand a squeeze. “Until I have to go.”
It pouts. Hard. You find it adorable. “Not for the night?”
You shake your head with a smile. “Moose. Gonna take him home with me.”
Rob visibly relaxes. “Ah. Makes sense.” Its thumb continues to pet your hand, a somber look in its eyes despite its smile. “…I’m sorry.”
“Hm?”
“For everything.” Rob suddenly seems to sober up, their face slowly falling and its eyes growing glassy. “I know it’s a ‘later’ conversation, but I’ve been horrible to you. And…and you still helped me.”
You frown. “I’m not a monster, Rob.” You feel like you’re lying, but you know better. That’s an improvement, right? “I would’ve dragged you here by the ear if necessary.”
It snorts. “You didn’t have to.” Roboro sniffles a little. “I’m so sorry. I was cruel to you. I understand if you can’t forgive me.”
You slowly nod, staring at your conjoined hands. “…I don’t know how I feel,” you admit. “I know I’m still mad about what you said to me at Yule.”
But you miss it, you want to admit. You miss how you’d feel your chest lift whenever you saw it walk into the bookstore, and how it saved a smile that was just for you. Your late-night talks, your conversations over the phone, the way you could get it to laugh for hours: you miss it so much that it physically hurts.
You turn over its hand and trace the scars on its palm. “But I don’t believe you meant it,” you say instead. This isn’t about you, after all. “You’ve been pushing everyone around you away, not just me.” You look up at it. “I get it if you want to leave it to the professionals, but…” You sigh. “I’m actually seeing a therapist myself. It’s new, but I’m giving it a shot. So will you tell me what’s going on with you? I’d never judge, and it wouldn’t burden me, if that’s the issue. I just wanna help.”
Rob’s bottom lip quivers. It tries to open its mouth to talk, but all that comes out are quiet stutters. “You...you did? You actually did it?”
You lift your head. “Yeah. I was getting worse. That’s part of why I got on the sleep meds.” And the other pills for withdrawal, but that can be a conversation for another day. “Rob, what’s going on?”
Its eyes, now filled with tears, dart away from yours. “I…I…” It lets go of your hand to cover its face, the other occupied by an I.V. “God, I’m a hypocrite.”
Hearings its voice crack breaks your heart. You carefully get out of the chair to sit next to it.
“I-I haven’t been able to get out of bed,” it whispers. “I can’t remember the last time I showered, I’ve been awful to all of my friends, and here I am telling you that you should get a therapist,” it laughs sadly. Tears stream down its face, its voice barely a whisper: “What is wrong with me?”
…you gently take its wrist and pull it away from its face. “Nothing,” you say softly. You wipe one of its cheeks with your thumb, keeping your hand on its skin for probably too long. “You just need help. Like I do.”
Roboro’s mouth twists into a frown and leans into your touch. “I thought I was getting better.”
You shrug with a little smile. “I’m still here for you. Good and bad.”
It chokes on a sob. “Can I-”
“Yeah, c’mere-” You meet Rob where it lays half-sitting up in its bed, wrapping your arms around its chest to avoid the incision area and letting its free hand and forearm lock you in close. You listen to it cry in your hair.
You feel safe and warm and whole. Your breathing evens and your pulsing stars sync. You feel complete. You hope Rob feels that too as it slowly calms down, its whimpering lulling into sniffles and shaky breaths. You two stay like that for as long as you can. Its fingers relax their grip in your hair and slowly stroke it in apology.
You exhale. Even if this isn’t the end of this conversation, even though you’re just getting started on unraveling everything it’s done, you’re not angry anymore.
You smile against its hospital gown, and listen to it breathe in the quiet, save for the beeping of its I.V. machine.
Chapter Text
To be honest, you didn’t want to leave. You only felt the Universe push you to do so when Sam showed up in a panic after Clyde called him. You had been comfortable in Rob’s hold. It never let go of you until you pushed yourself up when you heard the door open, thinking it was a doctor. Maybe it had missed you too.
You couldn’t pinpoint exactly when you left the hospital to go get Moose and get him settled in your house. Perhaps it was just past eight, within the hour of when Rob was emitted from surgery, or just before midnight; the sky would still be just as dark as it was when you forced it into the emergency room. Such was the joys of winter.
But the snow is still pretty in the moonlight, save for a melted patch of where you jumped from to get the E.R. faster. What did happen there? Can you just…jump really far??? You should ask Taeko. Maybe she can help you experiment.
The house chirps with kittens, enraged about their missing dinner, when it suddenly goes quiet at the sight of Moose. You knew this could go badly, but if all else fails you could make Moose sleep on the couch and close up the bedroom with the cats inside. You set the tote of Moose’s frozen food on the counter, and get to work making dinner for everyone.
You don’t look at the clock. You don’t need to. You know tomorrow is going to be a long and exhausting day, full of emotional and manual labor, but part of you doesn’t care. You’ll see Roboro for a little bit at the end of it, maybe during dinnertime, and then you’ll get to do it all over again Wednesday.
The sound of Jupiter hissing brings you out of your thoughts. You watch Moose’s head jerk away from sniffing Callisto before taking a pause to fully lay down in front of Mama Jupiter. You can’t help but smile at the sight.
After you make sure all the animals have eaten, you sit down and munch on a quick sandwich with a fruit salad and ice water at the bar. You’re beat.
You feel Moose rest its ginormous head on your thigh, and scratch him behind the ears. “Papa will be better soon,” you reassure him. “But it might be awhile.”
It’s just the appendix, you try to convince yourself. Just a round of antibiotics and a few days in the hospital and it can go back to its life like nothing happened. But when it collapsed, you’d feared for the worst. You’re still shaking.
…you’re shaking a lot, actually. A forced inhale breaks out into a sob. You set down your sandwich, dry your hands, and take a moment to process everything through soft tears. Moose whines in your lap.
“I know, I know, I know.” You get up from your stool and take a seat on the couch. “Come do your job, big guy.” Without even missing a beat, Jupiter jumps up and sits in your lap, fur fluffed up with a glare that bares into your soul. All you do is snort. “Deal, Mama. C’mere Moose.”
You watch as he carefully crawls up onto the cushions and settles down, reaching over to lick your cheeks clean with eyes on Jupiter. You pet them both, and try not to laugh.
The rest of the night, and the following morning, was just as tense. You were nervous leaving the two of them alone, but when you came back during your lunch break to find Moose flat on the floor with kittens crawling all over him, and Jupiter keeping a watchful eye, you knew they would be just fine.
It isn’t until you stop by Rob’s apartment, prepared to clean, that the stress really starts to get to you. Mira’s already hard at work, having opened the windows and dusted the place until the picture frames nearly reflected your image.
“Hey Loop! How’re you feeling?”
You groan. “Exhausted. But I’m gonna try to get a lot done today.”
“Good!” She comes over and gives you a quick hug. “I’ve dusted everything out here and I’ve deep cleaned the bathroom, but I haven’t touched the kitchen or Roboro’s room.”
“You’re a saint. How about you leave the kitchen to Taeko? That way she can just focus on that one spot and not have to move too much.”
Mirabelle smiles softly. “Stuck in a time loop for God knows how long, and you’re still the kindest person I know. You know that?”
The sudden statement makes your cheeks burn. “Thank you???”
She snickers. “And you also still don’t know how to take a compliment.”
You snort. “Some things never change. Have you been working in silence this whole time?”
“Yeah. Dunno how to work the record player.”
You walk over and- “Did you individually dust every file?”
“And book. I still need to sweep again, so watch your step.”
Universe bless Mirabelle and Everything For Which She Stands. “You’re still incredible. And built different. Holy shit.” The sound of her giggles make you smile as you thumb through the records and pass an option over. “Here’s one I haven’t tried yet.”
“What kind is it?”
“Pop genre.”
“Never heard of it before. Now how do you work this thing?”
Roboro’s room is somehow worse than when you left it at Yule. After stealing Mira’s duster, you open all of the windows and beat the living hell out of every pillow and blanket in the apartment before putting them in the wash.
“How’s it look in there?”
Not too bad, but you will be doing laundry for a day or two. “Mostly dust. I think the last thing I’m doing when we all finish is sweep.”
“I’ve swept twice just to keep my feet clean. Where does all this dust even come from? When’s the last time these vents have been changed out? Where is Roboro’s landlord in all this? I have so many questions!”
You chuckle. “Couldn’t tell ya.”
You hear a sigh. “…so Rob’s just been holed up in here since Yule?”
“Well, it’s been working until recently.”
You can practically hear the wheels turning in her head. “So, functional depression.”
“That’s a thing?”
“Mhm. Basically it means you’re really good at pretending that you’re not depressed and that you don’t need help.”
“Which makes it harder to treat?”
“Not at its core. It’s kinda like your brain is gaslighting you, telling you that you’re fine all the time when you can get dressed to go to work but can’t brush your teeth. Everything else is the same.”
Huh. “So therapy will help?”
“If it’ll go and do it, yeah. I think we might need to make an intervention though.”
“How so?”
“We all sit down and talk with it about its behavior. Ask what we can do to help. Basically give it a gentle reality check.”
“Do I need to do research? Meds, therapists available, that kind of thing?”
“If you want! But I wouldn’t bombard it. Maybe if Rob brings up struggling with it. Then you can offer to help.”
“Makes sense.” You climb up the step-stool, and reach for the top shelves with your duster. You slide around, unable to see where you’re sweeping, and something comes tumbling down before you know it. “Shit!”
You’re scrambling down the steps when Mira rushes in. “What happened?”
You quickly look over the mess you made, and sigh in relief. “Nothing’s broken. I just dusted them off the top over there.”
She smiles and takes the duster from your hand. “I’ll get it for you.”
“Thank you,” you giggle as you pick up a bag of pencils and a drawing pad from the floor. You’re scanning it over to make sure that there are no bent pages when your eye catches on the drawing it was open on.
It’s you, under a layer of dust. Your heart skips.
You’re lightly sketched with soft strokes in a scene where you’re sitting across a table full of plates. Yours is empty, but your glass is full. You have those wonderful earrings in your ears and the silver pin Taeko gave you in your hair. You’re smiling, laughing even, as you hold a familiar music box to your chest. “Yule,” you whisper.
“Huh?”
“It draws apparently. The last one it did was after Yule.”
Mira towers over to take a look. “Wow. It’s really good.”
You agree. It drew individual curls of your hair and a pearl-string of freckles across your nose. It shaded your lips, your cheeks, the bags under your eyes, even the vague shaping of your shirt.
You should close this. You should set it back exactly how you found it and forget you ever saw anything, but you’re too curious. You lift up the pages before it, just a few.
They start out with doodles of Moose, some sillier than others, next to fashion sketches that look incomplete. The next page is less nice, full of nasty things that you assume are what it sees in its nightmares. You quickly flip to the next one and…it’s you again.
Little sketches of you litter the entire page. There’s one of you sitting next to it in the carriage in your little black dress. There’s another of you- oh. Oh. That’s actually really cute. It drew your bedhead, the strap of your night shirt falling off your shoulder, and the smile you gave it every morning that you woke up together.
You feel your cheeks fill with heat, and quickly go back to the latest page.
“Anything good?”
You pass the book and pencils to her. “Drew out its nightmares. I wouldn’t look.”
“Ah. So it’s been coping with art.”
“Crafting in general, from what I gather.” You can see paints and charcoal in the bins right below your eye level. “It still sews, just not as much.”
“Huh. I remember Isabeau wanting to be a fashion designer.”
You recall how tenderly Rob held the fabric you gave it, and smile to yourself. “An element of that is still there, I think.”
You spent almost three hours dusting and cleaning its room, Mira taking off when she declared the living room officially done at hour two, and hope you don’t smell too bad as you enter the visitor’s sector of the hospital. You knock on its open door, the sounds of a quiet radio playing in its room carrying down the hall. “Hey. Now a good time?”
Roboro peeks up from its book. The heart monitor is off, and the I.V. is gone. It looks better today, like it finally showered, with the little shade that’s in their cheeks growing a bit more prominent. “Sure.”
You pull up a chair and sit next to its legs. “How’re you feeling?”
“Better.” Rob closes whatever it was reading and leans back with a sigh. “…did you have to tell the doctor everything?”
Here we go. You take a deep breath. “Yes I did.”
Its voice cracks. “Even the…the home life stuff?”
Don’t back down. Don’t apologize. You do not regret asking for help, especially for Rob. “Yes. I did.”
It looks down at its hands, covered in starry skin, and picks at invisible nails. “I’ve been really mad about that.”
You feel your shoulders hunch.
“Like, all day. They questioned me first thing after breakfast, claiming an anonymous tip,” it says almost absentmindedly with a snort. “It felt ridiculous.”
You don’t say anything.
“But I know you meant well. I’m not mad at you, by the way. Just…at the situation. At myself, too, I guess.” It pauses to look out the window. “For letting it get this bad.”
You don’t know what to say. A part of you was ready for it to cut you out of its life for good, even if you know that it would never do that to you. Not over this, at least. “Do you remember when I got the flu a few months ago? How you panicked? Like history was repeating itself?”
“Yeah?”
You won’t meet its eyes. “Walking into your place made me feel the same way. The self-isolation, the anger, the…” You swallow. “The denial. That was how Stardust started out during his meltdown.”
“How big of a meltdown are we talking?”
You look up, dead serious. “Almost-world-ending level.”
Its eyebrows jump up. “Yeesh. Glad Seedling never pulled that.”
You nod. “So. I’m sorry for making you angry, or hurting your feelings, but not for making sure that you’re okay.”
To your surprise, Rob’s face actually relaxes into a smile. “I can live with that.” It glances at the clock. “Visiting hours are almost over.”
You sigh. “I’m sorry I couldn’t get here sooner. I was…stress cleaning.” It’s not completely a lie, right?
“Will you be here tomorrow?”
“I’ll try, but I make no guarantees. Wednesday’s therapy day.” Plus, you still have to finish its laundry and do a final sweep of its room after remaking the bed.
It nods a little. “In Skrivenshore, right?”
“Mhm.”
“That’s quite the ride away.”
You shrug. “Gives me time to process so I’m not a complete mess by the time I get home.”
It quietly snorts, looking over at the radio playing a soft tune. “…I have a question for you.”
“Shoot.”
“Do you want to dance again?”
Wait, really? You blink. “Can you even stand up?”
It nods. “I’ve been walking all day. I just…” It sighs. “I feel terrible about what happened. I want to do it right this time. No expectations.”
You smile. “Y’know, I was being genuine. You did tickle me. That’s why I jumped.”
Its cheeks grow visibly hot while it looks away from you in a pout. “Still. I should’ve asked.”
“I’ll give you that one. Now are we dancing or not?”
It’s Rob’s turn to act surprised, but there’s a smile there too. “Help me up?”
Even after being cut into less than twenty-four hours ago, Roboro still stands tall in front of you. Its hands are colder than usual, but still warmer than yours as it takes them. Your star flutters at its touch.
The buzzing hums of voices harmonizing with the piano coming out of the radio fills the room, making you painfully aware of just how small of a space it is. You lift your arm up its chest, its clavicle, its neck, with the side of your hand barely touching the hospital gown.
Roboro, once again, shudders under your touch. You smile to yourself.
It doesn’t bend down like before, like it wanted to get close; it simply tilts its head to look at you with a comfortable smile. Somehow that flusters you more. You find yourself hiding in its chest.
You feel its heart flutter against your head. Your own warms.
You end up adjusting your arm to wrap around its waist instead. Heat radiates from its skin around your shoulder. You position your ear next to its star, the light warming your cheek, and close your eyes.
Roboro’s lips sit on the top of your head. Its thumb strokes the back of your hand, and grows a tad heavier around you.
The sound of its breathing evening out and its heartbeat syncing with yours is enough to make you dizzy. You could swear that you’re floating, but no. You’re still in its arms, still feeling its star through cloth, still listening to it breathe in your hair.
You feel safe, and warm, and comfortable.
When you both hear the song switch to another one, you don’t stop rocking to the music until you hear the voice-over speaker in the hospital announce that visiting hours are over.
You don’t sleep that night. You lay awake in your bed, and stare at the ceiling as kittens settle on your body. Even Moose is curled up next to you, with Jupiter by your head.
You think about everything and nothing at all, with a fluttering in your stomach and a warmth in your chest.
You eventually succumbed a few hours before your alarm.
Work is work. It’s easier today, just some organizing and shelving. You leave the peopling part to Patricia, hoping you can make it up to her tomorrow.
Therapy is harder. “You look like you have something on your mind. Something you want to share?”
You blink. “…I don’t know.”
“Don’t know what?”
“What the thought is.”
Jian raises a thin eyebrow.
“It’s been on my mind all night and day and I can’t figure it out.”
“Well, when did you start having this thought?”
After you left Roboro’s arms. “Sometime last night. I was visiting a friend in the hospital.”
“Are there any feelings attached to the thoughts?”
You think. “There’s a warmth in my chest. I feel calm, but I can’t relax at all.”
He tilts his head. “How is your friend doing?”
“They’re good. They were super sick before, and their appendix burst as I was taking them to the E.R., but they’re good now.”
“Sounds like it was scary.”
“It was,” you laugh nervously. “I had to run to get help.”
His eyes narrow a bit. “…what exactly happened, if I may ask?”
You tell him about watching Roboro cry and collapse, which led to how it’s been doing this past month and your relationship in general. “I’m trying to help as best as I can now. I just wish I could do more.”
“Well it sounds like you’re doing a lot already.” Jian writes a couple of notes down. “Why do you feel like you need to help?”
You raise an eyebrow. “Because it’s my friend? It needs help and will never ask for it directly?”
“Are you helping it alone?”
You shake your head. “I’ve roped some other friends in to clean. His boss’s wife is my boss, and she’s got recovery food planned out.”
He nods. “So, there’s a support system there.”
“Yeah. When I got out of the hospital last summer, I got to sleep in a clean house full of food during outpatient recovery. I want to make sure he has the same experience.”
Jian smiles. “That’s kind of you.”
You shrug. “I’m passing it along. It deserves it.”
“Tell me Luca, do you struggle taking a compliment?”
“Oh, always,” you snort. “I’m trying to get better about it though.” Your smile slowly drops at the patient look Jian gives you. “…I just did it again, didn’t I?”
“Uh huh.” You two chuckle together as he writes something else down. “Have you always held yourself to such a high standard?”
You almost laugh in his face. “Universe, no.” It feels good to be able to speak your own words and thoughts into existence without them being replaced with something else. “I just have morals.”
“And what would those be?”
You try to think. “Keep kids safe. Return what is given to you within reason. Have compassion for others.”
“So to you, this is a version of returning what is given?”
You nod. “I’ve…I’ve never had a community before. Not one I remember. I just want to do them right, even if it’s for someone I’m close to and not a stranger.”
“Is it important for you to work up to being able to help a stranger?”
You ponder about that one for a moment. “I don’t know. I want to…” What do you want? “To be helpful, I guess.”
“Why?”
You swallow, and look at your hands. “So I can stay here. So I’m not just taking up space.”
“But you’re allowed to take up space.”
And there’s that familiar tightness around your throat, alongside the voice in your head that screams that he’s a liar. “…how so?”
Jian cocks his head, but still smiles. “You exist. You take up space anyways.”
“So?”
“So your space is yours. And there’s no being on any planet that can tell you otherwise without some type of lie attached. You might as well claim it.”
You…haven’t thought about it like that. “And that’s okay to do?”
Jian gets a curious look in his eye before writing something down again. “Yes. It is.”
You’re numb by the time you get to Rob’s place, holding a few bags of simple groceries for it to use later. You don’t have much left to do, but it’s still enough to where you feel drained with every step you take inside. “Hey Taeko.”
She’s hard at work, cleaning out the cabinets and washing all of the dishes to the sound of alternative folk music. “Loop. You look tired.”
You rub your eyes and nod. “Didn’t sleep. How goes it?”
“Final stretch. I dusted the shelves and cleaned the fridge already. I met Patricia, by the way! Lovely lady. Apparently Roboro told Clyde that it’ll be coming home tomorrow and she dropped off a few lasagnas she made.”
“Oh, good! I’m sorry I wasn’t here for that.” You get started on the last load before going to the pile of clean clothes you left behind and begin folding. “I had no clue about it being discharged.”
“Apparently it’s healing up nicely,” she shrugged.
“Good,” you respond simply. “That’s…that’s good.” You try to work quickly, and are slightly thankful that Taeko doesn’t try to force the conversation.
It feels like you’re recovering from drowning a little, to be honest. Nothing’s falling apart. You’ve just gone overboard once and have been dragged back onto the boat, wrapped in blankets while you wait for them to warm your chill, but have left your thoughts in the water. They still want to swim in the warm memory of dancing with Roboro last night. You don’t think you’ll be doing that any time soon, but your heart looks forward to touching it again.
You can’t tell when you stopped asking yourself what was wrong with you. It doesn’t feel wrong, whatever this is. Actually, this is the most right you’ve ever felt about anything.
But what is it?
You manage to finish everything in an hour or so, waving goodbye to Taeko as you leave. The walk to the hospital is cold and dark and leaves you aching as you enter the visitor’s sector. You smile at the sight of Roboro finishing its dinner; you haven’t eaten since lunch.
Its eyes light up at the sight of you. “Oh, hey!”
“Hi,” you respond with a tired smile. You enter the room with that warmth in your chest that you only get when you’re looking at it, or when all of your friends are together. You draw a chair. “Dinner good?”
“Mhm.” Roboro chews on a piece of bread. “I saved you the soup.”
Your stomach flutters and growls. “Really? Why?”
It shrugs. “You like soup. I knew you were stopping by.” It waits for you to sit down before passing a spoon and bowl over. “It’s carrot potato.”
You smile and take them gratefully. “Thank you.” You blow on it and take a bite. It’s creamy and nutty and a little sweet. “That’s excellent. I don’t remember my hospital food being that good.”
Rob smiles back as it watches you eat. “I forgot you've been in inpatient before. What was it like for you?”
“I made the mistake of asking for warm food in the middle of summer,” you chuckle. “I was given chili. It was bland, but it was alright. First real meal I had out of the loops.”
Its eyes widen for a moment. “…God, it really hasn’t been all that long for you.”
“Yeah, it’s weird,” you admit. “And nice. But definitely weird.”
It snorts. “I’m glad you’re here though.”
You cheeks warm. You sip on your soup. “Me too.”
“…can I ask how therapy was?”
“It was different today. I didn’t cry this time.”
It raises an eyebrow. “You’re already crying at therapy?”
“Oh yeah. First session,” you snort. “How embarrassing.”
But it just smiles as it picks up its cup. “Still proud of you.”
“Yeah, yeah,” you deflect with an eye roll. Annoyingly enough, you catch yourself. “I mean. Thank you. Sorry.”
It slowly grins. “Is that what you guys have been working on? Deflection?”
“I think. Nothing outright, not yet. But it did get pointed out to me that I tend to use it as a shield.”
“I can agree with that.”
You smile, and take another sip. “You seem happier today.”
“…yeah?”
“Yeah. You’re smiling more.”
It looks down at its water and shrugs. “There’s a plan now. For treatment.”
Oh! That’s good! “Like meds?”
“And a therapist. Also in Skrivenshore, funny enough.” It takes a sip. “Guess I’m hopeful.”
You are too. “I’m glad there’s a plan at least.” You both finish eating in silence. “So. Am I your only visitor today? I heard you’d called Clyde.”
Rob shakes its head. “Clyde stopped by, actually. We hashed out the details of what I’ll be doing when I go back to work.”
“Anything fun?”
“If you call taxes fun, then yes.”
“At least you’re good with numbers?”
“It won’t be too bad. I’ll still be baking a little.”
You smile. “Don’t push yourself too hard.”
“You too.”
You raise an eyebrow in confusion.
“What? Don’t think I haven’t noticed those eye bags.”
Stars.
“Plus, you inhaled that soup.”
Stars. “It was good soup.”
Its expression quickly morphs into concern. “What’s going on with you?”
You feel yourself shrink. “I’m just tired.”
Roboro frowns. “…help me get this tray off?”
You don’t hesitate, setting your bowl and spoon on it before lifting the whole thing to set on the table. You feel Rob’s eyes on you the entire time.
When you come back, it has a hand open for you to hold. “C’mere.”
You sit in your chair, and take it. Tingles shoot from your palm to your chest. You feel warm.
“This won’t work if we don’t talk to each other. And I know that’s ironic coming from me-”
You smile. It smiles back.
“-but I want to be better about communicating. And a conversation is a two-way road. So talk.”
You snort, looking at your conjoined hands. You let your thumb graze theirs as you take a minute to think. “I’ve been…” No, you haven’t been numb all day. There’s that other weird feeling that’s been consuming you, the one you can’t quite place, the one you’re feeling right now. “…overwhelmed.”
“With?”
“Life,” you sadly chuckle. You look at the sheets. Your head is still swimming. You should tell it the truth, right? “I’m afraid you’ll really be upset at me for this one.”
Roboro’s voice feels soft against your ears. “Why?”
“Cause I was trying to surprise you by helping, but I don’t know if I crossed a boundary or not.”
It squeezes your hand a little in encouragement. You squeeze back.
You swallow, and tell Rob about when you got out of the hospital and was met with a full fridge and a clean home. “I wanted to make sure you had that experience too. So I called up Pat and she made you some lasagnas for dinners. I brought in a few groceries. And the ladies and I have been cleaning the place. We finished up today.”
It doesn’t say anything. You don’t look at its face.
“I took care of the bedroom. I didn’t go digging or anything, just dusted and did some laundry. Made the bed. That sort of thing. I’m sorry if I crossed a line.”
Rob’s thumb slowly strokes yours after awhile. “…I don’t know how to feel about that, but…” You hear it sigh. “But I’m not mad. Maybe a little embarrassed about the state of the apartment in general.”
You nod, and finally look up at its face. “We never put it against you. I just wanted to show you that we care.”
Rob blinks. It turns away, but you catch the sudden tremble of its lip. It sighs in an exhale, and-
Your heart skips a beat when you feel it suddenly lift your hand to its lips. They’re soft, and warm, and a little chapped. Your thoughts, drowning beneath the surface, are suddenly forced up and out of the water to gasp for air.
You watch a few tears spill from eyes twisted shut. You squeeze it a little.
How did you not figure it out earlier?
It squeezes back with a sniffle, and lets your hand down. “Thank you,” it whispers.
…you gather your courage, and gently lift its knuckles to your mouth to return the favor. “You’re welcome,” you whisper back.
The sudden blush that comes across its face makes you smile. You know your own cheeks must be blazing hot.
You glance at the clock, and sigh in disappointment. “I should probably go home.”
It’s smiling at you, but you can see the hesitancy in its eyes. “…you need to rest,” it manages.
“I need to feed the hoard,” you respond, earning you a giggle. “But you’re going home tomorrow, right?”
“Mhm.”
You don’t want to go. You want to curl up with Rob and spend a night with it in its arms and pretend that your feelings aren’t horrendously clouding your judgment. “I’ll bring Moose by after work,” you smile. “He’ll be happy to see you.”
It smiles back. “I’m glad he’s with you, though. Are the cats tolerating him?”
“Oh, they love Moose,” you chuckle. “Jupiter is warming up, but the kittens are all over him.”
It snorts. “That’s good to hear.” You feel it gently squeeze your hand again. “…you really do have to go, don’t you.”
“I do, yes,” you respond sadly. “I’ll see you tomorrow?”
“See you tomorrow.”
And as you stand to leave and walk out the door, coat over your shoulders, your hand slips out of its grasp and leaves a piece of you behind in its palm.
By the time you get home, you’re hyperventilating. Realization set in about halfway there. Stupid, stupid, stupid, how could you be so blinding stupid!? You didn’t mean to get attached! You never meant to fall in love with it!
You…you didn’t…
You’re in love with Roboro.
It makes your stomach sink and your chest flutter. Oh, but what terrible timing. Rob’s a mess. You’re a mess. Everything is a mess!
You stomp to your room, flop on your bed, and scream into your pillow. You yell until your voice is raw. You can’t stop crying. No wonder it hurt so much when it shut you out after carrot day.
But what should you do? Should you avoid it? Try to be nice while keeping your distance, all while in a constant state of denial?
You hear Moose whine. You sniffle, and try to get up. You need to take him out and feed him and-
Moose approaches you, hops up to pin you by your knees with his front paws, and licks your face clean of tears.
You feel something in you crack.
Rob’s clearly showed you that it’s interested. There’s no point in trying to put up another wall when you’re both actively trying to take down the layers that you’ve both built.
You can’t keep running, you won’t keep running, but maybe you can hide your feelings. Just until you both can address them without you breaking down immediately.
You give Moose a hug and a kiss, and get up to feed your furry friends.
Chapter Text
As promised, you take on the customer-service-heavy bits of work the next day to give Patricia a break.
You’re absolutely wiped by the time you get home. You lay on the floor and let all of the animals sniff and crawl over you, grounding you to this mortal coil. Or is it technically an immortal coil? Whatever. You like it here, but you can’t help your sinking urge to not get up.
Moose goes home today. And…something else was on the docket, but you can’t really remember what it was. You enjoyed his company immensely, being a spectacular guest in this house that you get for one more month. You should start sorting out what’s yours and what isn’t, make a list of things you’ll need, all that good stuff; when you have the energy, of course.
You force yourself up, leave out some hard food for the kittens, and get ready to take him back to Roboro.
“Come in.”
You have to reign Moose in as he whines and immediately tries to jump on Rob, who’s sitting on the couch. “Easy, easy!”
But Rob just laughs and gets up to greet you both. “Hi big guy!!!”
You drop the leash and watch Moose jump and stand - holy stars he’s almost as tall as his dad - to let Rob hold his paws while kissing its face. You can’t help your grin. “He missed you.”
“I can tell,” it chuckles. “Anything of note?”
You shake your head. “He’s a big fan of the kittens. Refused a W and everything so he could play with them.”
Rob’s eyes widened. “Wow. So there’ll be no issues taking one?”
“Or two,” you chuckle. “They’ll be old enough to go by moving day.”
It blinks. “Moving day? You mean-!?”
You grin. “The house is almost done, yes.”
Rob lets Moose down and waits until he’s on the couch to give him more scritchies. “Have you seen it yet?”
“I visited awhile ago. Saw the framework.” You set Moose’s food on the counter. “It looked good so far, but I won’t know for sure until it’s all done.” You open the freezer and get it all inside, working around the many dinners Patricia made for it. “How have you been settling in?”
“Good, good.” You hear Roboro’s footsteps as it approaches. “You guys did a fantastic job.”
You close the freezer door, and notice that the curtains are still open to let in light. You smile. “I’m glad. Have you eaten?”
It nods. “I’m good.” It sticks out a pinkie.
You loop it around yours, and let your hands hang.
“You, however, look exhausted.”
You snort. “I’m just relieved that you’re okay. That’s all.”
It raises an eyebrow. “That’s all?”
You nod, and find yourself shuffling over to lay your face against his chest. “…I missed you.”
Rob chuckles and wraps its arms around you. “I missed you too.”
You return the hug, careful of its wound. “I was really worried. And now there’s a plan in place.”
“Yep.”
“And you’re home is clean for you.”
“Which I’m extremely grateful for.”
“And you’ve eaten.”
“I have.” Rob pets your shoulder. “You can rest.”
You lean into its chest and breathe. It’s practically holding you up at this point.
“Lu,” it says softly. “Let’s go sit.”
“Mhm.” You rub your eyes and mosey on over to where Moose is looking at you. “Hi buddy.”
His tail thumps on the couch as Roboro goes to the book shelf and picks something out. You scratch under Moose's chin while you wait.
You let Rob get comfortable first before settling down on its good side. “What’re you reading?”
“It’s called..." He looks at the title. "Pride and Prejudice. Mira gave it to me before she went on her last road trip. Apparently it’s slow, but good.”
You lean onto its shoulder, and yawn. “…will you read it aloud? If you can?””
You feel it smile against your head. “Of course. Can we adjust first?”
The two of you quietly work together to get situated; you end up on a pillow in Rob’s lap with a hand settled in your hair.
It sets the paperback against your head and clears its throat. “‘It is a truth universally acknowledged that a single man in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife. However little known the feelings or views of such a man may be on his first entering a neighborhood, this truth is so well fixed in the minds of the surrounding families that he is-’”
You have no idea when you fell asleep, but Rob’s raspy and gentle voice knocked you out like a light. You slowly come to, listening to…someone else?
“Roboro, you must understand that we’re just worried about you.”
Oh, it’s Taeko!
“You don’t need to be,” you hear Rob say, its hand still in your hair. “There’s a plan in place.”
“Because Loop forced it on you. You wouldn’t have one otherwise.”
Rob hesitates. “That’s…true, I suppose.”
“Look-” And Mirabelle’s here! “-we want to trust you, we really do, but-”
Oh. Oh stars. You totally forgot.
“But we can’t.”
“Mira, I promise you, everything’s fine, I-”
You forgot about the intervention.
“We deep-cleaned your house, Rob! And it wasn’t gross, but it was extremely dusty!”
“Like you hadn’t moved,” Taeko agrees.
The room feels- no, the air feels tense. Rob’s holding back while the woods pushes it forward. You still need to ask about that.
Speaking of Roboro, it’s currently very quiet. “We should wait for Loop to wake up.”
And that’s your cue. You grunt. “I’m up.” You sit up, Rob’s hand leaving your head, and-
“Pffft!”
You hear snickers echo around you. You rub your eyes and open them. Taeko and Mira are currently sitting around the coffee table, entrapping Rob in the conversation. “What? What???”
“Hang on,” Rob chuckles. “Your hair is awesome.”
You snicker a little. “Oh dear.”
You let it fix your curls for you. “There we go!”
The other two calm down enough to speak. “Welcome to the conversation, Loop,” Taeko smiles. “Would you like to explain why you’re late?”
You’re interrupted by your own yawning. “Peopled hard. Eepy.”
She snorts. “Well wake up, we’re scolding your buddy over here.”
Rob turns to you with big eyes. “Please help.”
You don’t miss a beat as you look over: “You almost died because you couldn’t leave the house without someone dragging you out of it. Cry me a river.”
Mira practically inhales whatever she’s drinking, choking in surprise. Rob, however, gapes. “You’re in on this!?”
“Of course I’m in on this! I literally used my doctor to hijack yours, you think I wouldn’t go to some sort of lengths to make sure you were safe?”
That kills the room; Rob has his head in his hands, his shoulders shaking in quiet laughter. Mira’s still coughing, and Taeko is chuckling along to the nonsense. “But seriously, they have a point,” she chimes in.
The energy in the air dies down, the room lulling into a calm, but Rob’s still shaking. It takes you a moment to realize that he’s quietly weeping.
….hm. Rob’s done this twice now, the whole laughing-then-crying thing. Maybe making it comfortable first helps it relax a little.
“Touch,” you quietly warn with a hand on its shoulder.
Rob gently takes it, and breathes. “I’m sorry,” it finally says, wiping its eyes. “I…I know I’ve been ignoring all of you. And that’s not fair when you’re all trying to reach out.”
“Is there a reason you’ve been so reclusive?” You can hear the stern caution in Taeko’s voice.
It keeps its head down. “…I was afraid I was replacing my original family.”
You feel your stomach sink.
“What do you mean?”
Rob squeezes your hand before letting you go to wipe its face clean of tears. “Mira and Lu already know this, but the reason I’m here is because they’re all dead.”
Taeko’s eyes widened. “Oh…oh.”
Rob nods. “When I started spending more time with Loop, I started seeing all the differences between them and Siffrin. It felt like they were two different people, but then I found an overlap. Or so I thought. By the time Yule came around, I was already overthinking it on an unhealthy level and projected it on you guys.”
Oh, Universe, you did cause this during that dance, didn’t you? Why couldn’t you have flinched closer? Or would that have caused a worse reaction?
Taeko visibly ponders it over. “So there was a trigger, and you spiraled from there.”
“Pretty much.”
Mira huffs, her face covered in worry. “But why not just tell us?”
“…it felt easier to hide.”
“Well you don’t have that privilege anymore,” Taeko smiles. “Might as well just be honest with us now.”
Rob smiles a little. “There’s other things too. Little stuff that I’ve lied about.”
“Like what?”
“Like the front it’s been putting on around you two,” you put bluntly.
Rob’s eyes dart to yours. “I was getting there.”
“Not fast enough,” you pout.
It rolls its eyes. “Basically my personality has changed so much from before that it can be…jarring. I thought it would be best to ease everyone into it, but I didn’t get that option with Loop.”
You raise an eyebrow.
“Loop’s boss is my boss’s wife, and she’d already met the real me multiple times. If I acted odd in front of her, I would’ve been called out on the spot and my efforts would’ve been in vain anyways.”
Mira’s eyes narrowed. “So it became a situation where you weren’t acting for one of us, but you were for the others?”
“Precisely.”
“And you thought that felt manipulative,” Taeko suggested.
Rob’s shoulders sink once more. “Yeah.”
Huh. You had no idea. You lean back against the couch. “That being said, where do we go from here?”
Mira shrugs. “Maybe…maybe we stay here for a little bit. Just an hour or two.”
“So we can learn what you’re really like,” Taeko agrees.
You see the smallest hint of a smile on Rob’s face. It turns to you. “Are you joining us?”
Your stomach growls. “Actually, I think I’m just gonna whip up some dinner if that’s okay with you.”
“Just throw a lasagna in the oven,” it chuckles.
You smile, and shake your head. “You have fresh groceries, remember?” You stand up and stretch. “I’m gonna go play with food while you three catch up.”
And that’s exactly what you do.
You shred and fry and whip up some zucchini fritters with a coleslaw on the side, and serve dinner within the hour. “Damn, you’re fast,” Taeko mutters.
“They’re a really good cook,” Rob praises quietly, its face back to the neutral grump that you’re so used to seeing.
Good. You had missed the real Roboro. You double check to make sure the stove is off and that any dirty dishes are already in the sink-
“Loop, are you joining us?”
Your chest swells. “I’m coming,” you giggle. “Just making sure everything is good over here.” You take your plate and pop-a-squat on the floor.
A hint of disappointment lingers in the room, but you ignore it. You’re starving. You can make up for it later.
“I will say, Roboro,” Taeko starts after a few bites. “I’m starting to understand why you hid this side of you at first.”
Mira nods. “It is a bit of a surprise. Not bad by any means, just new.”
You focus on eating slowly, savoring the taste while listening to the conversation.
“I just didn’t want to make anyone uncomfortable.”
But Mirabelle just shrugs. “Change is destruction. That includes other people’s ideas and perceptions of you. It’s just part of the process.”
You smile to yourself. Your Change may have been forced upon you, but when you got out you were given the choice to play with your hair and skin. You wonder how different you are on the inside now.
Like she read your mind, Mira smiles at you. “Take a look at Loop, for example.”
You freeze, chewing your fritter.
“They came in blazing hot with their Changes, but all of us welcomed it.”
You feel your face flush as you swallow and wash it down with water. “I can’t be that different.”
Rob audibly snorts.
You pout at it. “Shush.”
The room breaks out into giggles. “I’ll give you some credit,” Rob says after a beat. “‘Changed’ doesn’t seem to describe what’s been going on with you.”
You cock your head.
“‘Healing’ is a better term for it.”
…oh. So. Your efforts to be better, to not be a coward, to not be Stardust: they aren’t in vain? Relief floods you.
“Loop, you look like you’re gonna cry.”
“Nope,” you instantly say. You can feel your eyes watering with every breath you take.
Taeko raises an eyebrow. “Are you sure?”
You pinch the bridge of your nose and squeeze your eyes shut. “I’m good. All good. Awesome, even.”
You feel Mira’s hand grasp yours under the table. You give it a squeeze. “It’s okay.”
Your mouth twists into a reluctant frown, a shaky exhale escaping your lips. “Sorry,” you whisper.
“All good,” Rob mutters back. You can feel its eyes watching you intently; worry fills the air.
A few more tears escape you with a sniffle. “I’ve been trying to change for the better,” you say quietly as you wipe your face. “I just didn’t know if it was paying off or not.”
But Taeko just smiles, even though you’re a mess. “…I don’t know if it helps, but Siffrin was always good to me.”
“And me,” Mira chimes in.
Rob doesn't say anything. Guilt churns in the room.
You nod, and wipe your face.
The four of you create a plan together should something like this happen again, with any of you, and how each of you can help the other. The idea of having a system like this in place makes you feel safe. Loved, even.
Disgusting, disgusting, you cried in front of them, you’re so disgusting.
You’re scrubbing dishes, lost in your thoughts, while you listen to Taeko and Mira give you both their goodbyes. You feel an arm wrap around your shoulder, and squeeze. “I’ll see you around?”
You only flinch a little, making sure to lean into Mira’s touch as a reassurance. “Yeah,” you smile. “Sorry about my little meltdown earlier.”
She shakes her head. “No need to apologize,” she giggles. “We’ve all been high-strung. I’m just glad Roboro’s okay.”
You nod. “Get some rest, ‘kay? I’ll tell you if anything happens.”
“Please do.”
Your heart aches while you smile and wave to Taeko holding the door open for her.
You’re finishing the dishes when Rob’s familiar footsteps approach from behind.
“Hey,” you finally say.
“Hey. Touch.” Rob’s arms carefully wrap around your shoulders from behind, its chin resting on your head. Your cheeks grow hot. “How do you feel about spending the night?”
A feeling of safety and love overcomes you so quickly that you could’ve gotten whiplash from it. Any negative air in the apartment is gone. The star that beats in your chest lifts as you smile to the plates in your hand. It takes everything in you to not melt into its heart, its lungs, its star. “I’d love that.”
You swear you hear its breath hitch. “I still have your change of clothes here. They’re clean.”
…he washed your clothes for you? Like you did for him? Your stomach threatens to make you float up to the ceiling. “Thank you,” you reply softly as you dry the last dish. “Help me put these away?”
You two make quick work. Minutes have gone by since you’ve entered the bathroom and taken off your skin, but you can’t seem to move. Your eyes are glued to your feet.
Your skin-shaded feet.
You can’t believe you didn’t notice until now; the lack of night sky is up to your ankles! You’ve tried everything, but you can’t seem to “uncover” it no matter what. You recall how Rob’s legs had the same effect, reaching to its calves.
You quickly change into the darkless nightgown you left behind - it’s still warm! - and step out with your clothes. “Hey Rob?”
“Yeah?”
The living room is empty. Ah, it must be changing in its room. “Y’know the weird thing with your legs where it’s turning back to its old shade?”
“…yeah?”
“Well, I just looked down at my feet, and I was hoping you could explain it to me, ‘cause…yeah.”
It’s snickering by the time it opens the door and oh Universe help you it’s blinding shirtless. “Yeah, that started happening to me awhile after I got out.”
You blink, and try to breathe. “Dunno why?”
It shakes its head. “…can you help me with something, while I have you?”
“Sure, what’s up?”
Rob uses a gauze pad and medical tape in its hand to gesture to a spot slightly warped in its midnight skin. “I need help finding the spot where they stapled me.”
…it wants you to touch its bare skin. Is it trying to kill you where you stand? “Sure.” You set your clothes in the little bag you brought the spares in a month ago, and wash your hands. “C'mere.”
Rob follows you. “Where do you want me?”
“Facing the mirror.” You take the medical supplies. “Has it been cleaned?”
“Not yet.”
You go hunting in the cabinets. “Is there…?” You find a bottle labeled Injury Disinfectant and take it, along with some cotton balls. “Okay, ready when you are.”
Rob just smiles at you, and raises its right arm.
Isabeau’s chest had always been something you’d found handsome about it with the way it filled out his pajama top every night during the loops. He’d always been soft edges with sharp corners and a big smile.
But Rob is different. Certain elements of it are different, like the stars on his skin flowing around plumper tissue. You can tell it still works out, but age and grief have given it a small, healthy pudge on the lower half.
You drop to a knee, and look for the shiny line of staples in the light. “Right here.” You wet the cotton ball with cleaner and get to work. Rob flinches a little, and you lift off like you've touched a hot stove. “Sorry!”
“It’s fine. Just cold.”
…you still decide to be careful as you go back in. It takes two cottons to clean it fully before you wipe the surrounding area dry with a third. “Can I ask you something personal?”
“Sure.”
You’re applying the gauze and tape when you take a deep breath. “The night you almost kissed me. What was the thought process there?”
It freezes up, but you don’t stop working. “…honestly? You looked pretty, and we were both exhausted, and I…wanted to kiss you.”
You swallow.
“And when you jumped I was scared I’d crossed a line, but I didn’t take it personally. I just backed off. It wasn’t until I woke up without you that I panicked.”
Stars. This was all your fault, wasn’t it! If you had just pushed for an answer before Yule, then maybe none of this would’ve happened! “I needed to think,” you explain. “I couldn’t figure out what I’d done wrong, so I figured I’d let Moose have my spot. I barely slept.”
It huffs a laugh. “God, I…I should’ve just asked. I’ve been really stupid.”
“Yeah you have,” you flatly agree with a chuckle. You finish up and sit back, still on your knees. “…I’ve been stupid too. I should’ve pushed you to talk.”
Rob lets down its arm and looks at you with warm eyes. “I understand why you didn’t.” It holds out a hand for you.
You take it and pull yourself up using the counter next to you anyways. “Still. I’m sorry.”
“I’m sorry too.” It gently squeezes your hand. “I should’ve trusted you.”
You nod. “…so. Are we okay?”
Its shoulders drop, the tension gone. “Yeah. We’re okay.”
You smile a little. “Can I hug you?”
It smiles back - Universe, you missed making it happy - and opens its arms to let you in. You make sure to keep yours higher up, resting your head against its bare star.
…do you hear something? It sounds like a faint humming, or a buzzing, or-
“Loop? You-”
“Shhh.” You take a moment, and breathe. “Your star makes noise.”
Rob sighs. “Yeah. That. It’s kind of annoying, to be honest.”
“Do you hear it?”
“No, but I’ve been told it’s loud.”
Well this is certainly the first time you’re hearing it! “I don’t think so.” The more you listen, the more you realize that it’s not a buzzing at all: it’s the vibration of a string instrument, almost like a lute. “…it sings. I like it.”
You hear a deep, bassy tune being plucked in quick succession, its star flickering against your cheek. “Y-Yeah?”
You smile to yourself. You don’t even have to look up to know that Rob’s face is probably as dark as its starry skin. “Yeah.”
When you go to sleep together you don’t end up moving to the couch, making it the first time you’ve ever slept in Rob’s bed the entire night. You both fall asleep and wake up in the same positions, with Roboro laying on its good side and you snuggled up next to it on your back.
You only wake up in the night once. Not from a nightmare thankfully, but from a gentle touch. You can feel Rob’s fingers stroking your bedhead, moving it out of your face, while your eyes are still closed. You don’t dare open them. You’re too curious.
…you feel its lips gently kiss your temple. “G’night Lu,” you hear it mumble. Your heart flutters.
You wait until it’s settled back in and softly snoring to lean over and lightly kiss its nose. “G’night Rob.” You get comfortable, letting its hand hold your face, and close your eyes.
You feel its thumb graze your cheek softly, and smile to yourself.
Chapter 19
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
You have to admit it: watching Rob go stir crazy this past week from a lack of work has been a quiet revenge you’ve been enjoying in comparison to the emotional hell it put you through for the past month.
“Loop, please.”
You hide a petty smile as you cook dinner at its stove. “You got your staples out yesterday, Rob. And you know what the doctor said.”
Currently it stands pathetically before you in the kitchen, holding the sparkling fabric you gave it at Yule. “I wouldn’t be bending over that much!”
“You literally just told me that you’d need to get on your hands and knees, that’s a hard no.”
It huffs. “The table isn’t big enough for accurate marks and cuts.”
“One more week,” you snort. “Why don’t you work on the quilt instead? The squares don’t require that much space.”
“I’ve been working on that thing for three days,” it groans. “I need something different.”
You recall its sketchbook. “Don’t you have any other crafting projects you could do?”
Rob visibly ponders, then pouts. “I guess I could crotchet.”
Oh no! You didn’t mean to make it sad! “…I don’t know if I could help you cut the fabric, but maybe I could help you mark it?”
Its face remains that grumpy neutral, but its eyes light up. Whatever it’s planning on doing with that fabric, it really wants to make it. “That works.”
You nod with a smile, and stir your pot of squash soup. “I think this is done.”
Rob comes over and smells it with a sigh. “Thank you for doing this. I think I could live without eating another lasagna for the rest of my life.”
“At least Pat made different flavors?”
“She did try,” it chuckles. “But seriously. Thank you."
You inhale, and make eye contact. “You’re welcome.” You immediately have a full-body shudder, cringing internally.
Rob just laughs. “Hey, that was better!”
“That was not,” you wheeze. “That was physically painful.”
It wraps an arm around your shoulder and gives you a little squeeze. “You’re doing great.”
You lean into its chest, your own suffering from pangs of guilt. Your therapist brought up the alcoholism earlier today, asking you if the meds were helping, and you told him the truth: you’ve been doing really well, but you’re still tempted by the bottles you know are in Rob’s house. You’d thought this whole time that the increase in vodka had been due to stress, but Jian pointed out that there was a high chance that the mentality of it had probably been planted long before you even came here.
When you recalled the bottle of wine that was always in the House, a bottle you never got to try, it all clicked. “Hey. You okay?”
Your shoulders tense up. You nod, back in reality. “Just tired.”
“Therapy was today, right?”
…why must it always be right on the money? Or maybe the topic is already on its mind since Rob’s first appointment was yesterday. “Yeah.”
“Anything good?”
Your stomach drops. You really don’t want to tell it about this side of you, but you know from - experience now! - that asking for help is the best way to receive it. How annoying~! “…can I talk about it after dinner?”
Its brows furrow. “Sure.” It moves your hair out of your face. “You don’t have-”
“No, no, no,” you insist. “I…should talk about it. But I really don’t want to.”
Roboro hums, tucking loose strands behind your ear. “So it’s a ‘need to talk’ kind of conversation?”
You sigh. “Yeah.”
You’re quiet as you sit on the couch, soup and toasted baguettes in large mugs. You make sure to take a few sips to warm your throat. Even though you’re both facing each other, you find it easy to ignore its gaze; you look down at your food. “Um-“ Your voice cracks. “I-I’m an alcoholic. And I understand if that changes how you see me.”
It doesn’t say anything. So, you talk.
You tell it about the wine in the House, and the vodka Taeko gifted you, and how something that you only used to sleep quickly tumbled out of control into hard day drinking as soon as you’d get home. Your stomach churns in shame.
Roboro sets its cup on the table, and carefully relieves you of yours too. He takes your hands in his. “I’m proud of you.”
You snort. “For what? Falling apart?”
It shakes its head. “For getting help when you realized you needed it.”
…damn it, you’re going to cry again aren’t you? You keep your eyes on your conjoined fingers.
“You’re a hell of a lot stronger than I am.”
“You were having your own issues. I don’t blame you.”
“And you said this happened around Yule?”
“About a week before.”
“…huh. So that’s why you didn’t touch the booze.”
You smile a little. “It was extremely tempting. I didn’t do it though, even after our fight.”
It gives a heavy sigh. “I’m still sorry for how I treated you.”
“I know.” You give its hands a squeeze.
Rob lifts up one of them to kiss your knuckles. Your star flickers. It’s been more affectionate as of late, quietly of course, which has been very nice if not internally conflicting for you. “Is there anything I can do to help?”
You think about the bottles in its pantry. “Hide your booze where I can’t get it? When I’m not here, of course.”
It raises an eyebrow. “It’s that bad?”
“It can be tempting,” you reply honestly. “Only on bad days though. Otherwise I can ignore it.”
Roboro frowns. “You shouldn’t have to.”
You shrug, unsure of what to say. “Such is life.”
…it hesitantly pulls you into a hug. “I’m still proud of you. Thank you for telling me this.”
You feel your throat start to swell with emotion. “I’m trying.”
“Well you’re doing great.”
You snort, and lean against it. Your eyes water. “Yeah?”
It softly rubs your back. “Yeah.”
Roboro returned to work the next day, forcing you out of bed early to grab a celebratory breakfast at Drew’s before you went home to achieve an extra hour of sleep. Even though you were woken up at four-thirty in the morning and had every right to be cranky as hell, you can’t help but feel grateful that you get the privilege to see Rob so happy to return to its job, even if its job description is currently warped to the point of unfamiliarity.
Every time you see it smile, you fumble with a mixed bag of emotions. Relief. Comfort. Love.
You still feel disgusting at the thought of confessing to it during all of this turmoil, but you’re willing to wait; Rob seems to be on a similar page, considering how it’s been acting.
…is this how Isabeau felt with you?
You two didn’t see each other again until that next Monday when it brought you your regular latte, a new orange poppy seed cake, and a familiar smile. But you both still called almost every day before then, organizing one final sleepover that next night at your place before you move.
You grin when you see Moose waltz in like he owns the joint before trotting over to whip his tail and give you happy growls. “Hi buddy!” You give him plenty of scritchies.
Roboro closes the door and hooks their bag on the wall, setting another full of Drew’s sandwiches and soups on the counter. “He missed you,” they chuckle.
You grin. “I missed him too!” You scratch behind his ears happily. “The kittens would love to see him!”
As if on cue, The Hoard runs out of the bedroom in a whir of meowing and chirping. Jupiter comes up to you while Moose is happily distracted by his adopted babies. You pick her up while walking over to Rob; it smiles, and bends down to smooch Jupiter’s little face.
A part of you wishes he was kissing you instead. You feel heat lace your cheeks at the thought. Rob wraps his arms around you, and- oh! He kissed your head!!! You lean into his warmth, and smile against his star through his shirt. “How was your day?”
“Exhausting,” it says honestly. It sinks around you. “Therapy sucked.”
“Aw, I’m sorry.” Jupiter wiggles up to peek her head out between the two of you; you respond to her murmurs with several kisses. “Wanna talk about it?”
“Over dinner,” it mumbles in your hair. “Missed you today.”
You snort. “You saw me yesterday.”
“Still.”
“Pfft.” You carefully let Jupiter down to hug it back properly. “…was therapy that rough?”
It grunts a little. “I think it’s making me homesick in all the wrong ways.”
“Are you unpacking the loops?”
It shakes its head. “I did that a long time ago. We’re tackling childhood stuff.”
Oh! Well, maybe that makes sense actually. It never talks about its family. “Is it bringing up some old things?”
It nods. “…why don’t we unpack dinner?”
You knew that Roboro wasn’t kidding about missing home the minute they opened their to-go box of food. A croque monsieur with plain fries and “French” Onion soup fills your nostrils. “Nostalgic much?”
It squints, then blinks. “…huh. I did order that, didn’t I.”
“Yep,” you chuckle. “What did you pick out for me?” It passes you a cheesy chicken pesto, sweet potato fries, and a cup of zuppa toscana. It smells delightful! You take it with a smile. “Thank you!”
You catch its cheeks go a tad dark before it turns away. “You’re welcome.”
You grin, taking it to the coffee table. “I hope yours tastes as good as the homemade version.”
“Could you make it from scratch?”
You get comfortable, watching Rob set up Moose’s food while the kittens eat theirs. “I don’t see why not! I’d just need the right ingredients.”
It nods. “I’ll have to get you a recipe.” Rob lumbers over with its box and utensils. You watch it try to eat, but honestly its picking at its fries more than anything.
“…are you sure you don’t want to talk first?”
It drops its fork in its box and leans back with a sigh. Your chest sinks at how tired it looks. “How much time do you got?”
You kick back, place a pillow in your lap, and pat it enthusiastically. “Enough.”
It snorts before drying its hands clean. You watch it remove its hair tie and scooch over to lay down and rest, head facing away from you. You immediately begin to stroke its strands, which morph and turn into leaves before your very eyes. Its skin ripples away to show off its starry skin. The puff on its head reappears.
…you carefully touch it with a curious hand. You feel it sink into your skin, your muscles, your bones below you. Its touch suddenly grounds the reality of just how much trust you must’ve earned to get to this point with it.
Manipulative, callous, aimless- “Alright. Talk to me.”
It sighs. You pet its hair. “Where should I start?”
“Wherever you want.”
Rob takes a slow breath. “I had a twin. A sister. Her name’s Amelie. You’d’ve really like her. Brilliant, and funny. She always made friends. She was pregnant when Vaugarde originally froze. Everyone was really worried about her. Honestly she’s probably the only real reason I left Jouvente to help Mirabelle. I don’t remember if I would’ve volunteered without her in the picture. I was really excited to be an uncle. All the relatives knew it too.”
…relatives. Not family. You place your other hand on its shoulder. You feels its fingers hold yours gently. “And then the time loop happened.”
“Yeah. And I Changed permanently.” It strokes your thumb; you look forward to the gesture every time you hold hands. “When I went home, I took my family over to Jouvente shortly after I got out.
“Everything was almost exactly how I’d left it, and I’d hoped that I’d made it before she went in labor. Just so I could be there for her, y’know? When we got to my mother’s house, we were swarmed with strangers. Aunts and uncles and the like. Amelie wasn’t there.
“I tried asking mom about her, but she always brushed me off or changed the subject. I was embarrassed, and angry. My family was overwhelmed with all the people. My mother’s only response was to keep playing dumb and insist we eat dinner. And then she announced to the whole table that Amelie wasn’t there because she was in the hospital for a C-section and had been there for two days.
“I was fucking livid. Literally dropped my spoon and walked right out the door. The family followed. They were angry for me. Bonnie crawled in bed with me and Sif that night.
“We went to see her the next morning. Lottie was born healthy. Amelie was doing well thanks to the Healing Craft. And I…kind of unloaded,” it chuckles. “The poor thing, she didn’t sign up for that, but she did listen. Gave me good advice. And then she dropped the real bomb: she’d cut off our parents and banned them from seeing Lottie.”
You begin to braid its leaves individually, like the little ones you used to give Mirabelle. “So your parents took it out on you.”
“Bingo. And the worst part is, if the time loop had never happened, I still would’ve defended them. Still would’ve tried to be the middle man. Still would’ve tried to get my parents to see their first grandchild.”
You frown. Your memories of your parents are nonexistent, save for the emotions attached, but you recall feeling full and happy and safe. “Have your parents always been like that?”
It nods. “I had to think about it a lot today, but yeah. They never hurt us directly, but their actions…”
No wonder Isabeau was afraid to speak as a kid. You lean down and kiss its head right where the leaves meet its flower. “I’m sorry you went through that,” you respond softly. “You never should’ve had to.”
It squeezes your hand with a sniffle. “…thank you.”
Dinner was quiet, but comforting.
Rob eventually sits up and tangles your legs together in a kind of cuddle that forces you both to face each other as you eat. You don’t ask for a bite of Rob’s, even though it smells divine. You watch it nibble in silence while you chomp down on your own. “…is it good?”
You nod. “It’s perfect. Still warm. What about yours?”
It’s been drying quiet tears ever since it unloaded on you; it continues to do so now, tempting you to gently wipe its cheek for it. “I think it needs more mustard. But it is really good.”
You smile. “Maybe I’ll make some before I move.”
“When’s the move-in date?”
“Joel’s thinking sometime in the first week of February.”
It blinks. “That’s a week away.”
You nod.
“Do you have a plan?”
You hesitantly shake your head. “I’ve saved up enough to get kitchen supplies and the such, but the big things are gonna have to wait. I don’t know how I’m going to get it all over from Skrivenshore. I’m probably going to have to commission Maria or Joel for some furniture.” Hopefully you can just add on to the tab of what you already owe them.
Rob’s brows crinkle. “So you’ll sleep on…?”
“…the floor?”
You watch its forehead bunch in worry. “Won’t that be cold?”
You shrug. “There’ll be a fireplace. I can make blankets. I’ll make do.”
It sighs. “It's winter and you don't have your cloak. You need a bed, Loop.”
“I don’t have any way to get one right now.” You sip on your soup calmly. “I’ll just have to wait.”
Rob looks down at its onion soup and sets it aside. “…can I help?”
You pause mid-bite. “You can’t lift anything at the moment. And I’m not taking your money.”
“Then what about the community? Like how you did it.”
“All I did was call some friends.”
It raises an eyebrow. “And cleaned my house, and made sure I got food-”
You open your mouth to protest but Rob’s not done.
“-and you told a doctor about your concerns to guarantee a follow-up on my mental health, and have been here for me through recovery. And I also know that everything has been a lot for you, because you literally took a nap the minute I told you that you could rest.”
You blink. Heat fills your cheeks.
“I don’t want to overwhelm you, but…” It sighs. “I want to help you. Just let me help. Please.”
You hesitate for a moment. Your gut doesn’t want to accept this, but it’s probably just repaying the favor. Even if you don’t consider this a debt. You…wouldn’t be a burden on it for taking its help, right? Just this once.
Plus, its desperation to be useful to you is making your heart - and your knees - weak.
“…okay. If you can pull it off, then I trust you.”
You don’t fall asleep right away, even with your medication.
You let Rob see you take your other pill for your alcoholism alongside your valerian root. There’s no point in hiding it. You know that this won’t work unless you have a support system to keep you accountable. You don’t know how you’re going to bring it up to the other two, but that’s a problem for another day.
You crawled into bed after Roboro got comfortable, the animals cautiously working around it. Moose wiggled his way between the two of you, much to your dismay, and took up the space that you wished you could take in its arms.
You can’t believe that you’re jealous of a dog, but here you are.
Rob grumbles in its sleep. “Loop…?”
You turn your head to face them, Moose interrupting your line of sight. “I’m here.”
They reach out a hand, eyes closed, and you take it without question. Rob pulls your palm across Moose's head, towards their face, and begins to individually kiss your fingers.
You stumble over your words before you finally manage a strangled, “Rob???”
It mumbles something incoherent while you feel its lips on your palm, then on your pulse in your wrist.
Stars stars stars your heart is pounding your stomach is rolling your loins are on fire what is wrong with you!!! “What w-was that?”
You feel a kiss on the back of your hand. “I want Moose to move,” you hear it mumble a little louder.
You snicker. “But he looks so comfy,” you defend. You’re not sure what will happen if you let Rob touch you anywhere other than your hand right now; you don’t trust yourself to make rational decisions.
It groans in frustration. “You don’t drool.”
“I could start.”
“Grooooooss.” Rob gives your hand one last kiss before letting it go. “Get your drool away from me.”
You can’t stop giggling. “Are you even awake?”
“Noooo,” it mumbles.
You snort. “Well then, goodnight Rob.”
“G’night, sweetheart.”
Its muffled reply makes your heart skip. That’s the second time it’s called you that under a drug-induced haze. You wish it would just call you that outright.
But that would mean telling it the truth. Of how you ache to wake up to the smell of breakfast and the feeling of kisses every morning, to brush its hair and dry its tears, to hold it close and never let go every night before you fall asleep.
It’s been less than two weeks, and you’ve gone from loving to burning for Rob. The worst part is that it hurts. Your heart physically aches at the lack of reciprocation.
Be patient, your gut chants. Just wait. It’s not time yet. Soon, but not now.
…you close your eyes, and pretend that you’re falling asleep instead of fighting your heart.
The alarm ringing in your ears makes you groan, knocking you out of a dead sleep.
“Ah fuck,” you hear, followed by the clicking noise of it being silenced. “Loop?”
You force yourself to stretch out with a yawn. “I’m up.”
Roboro sighs. “I’m sorry. I forgot to shut that off.”
You peek your eyes open to see Rob’s hoodie covered in…flour? Egg? “I work today.”
“Yeah, but I was gonna wake you up with breakfast,” it chuckles.
Your chest fills with that familiar warmth from last night. You smile. “That’s sweet of you.”
Rob blinks. You catch a hint of warmth dash across its cheeks. “Th-Thank you. Food’s ready, by the way.”
It’s out of the room before you can even sit up properly. You frown. Did you say something wrong? Was that too much? Or…or does it-
No. No. Don’t go down that road. Don’t give yourself hope.
You stand up and straighten your nightgown to try to look a little less like a crumpled-up napkin, and walk out while fussing with your hair. You smile at the sight of the kittens enjoying their breakfast alongside Moose. “Have you picked one out yet?”
Rob looks up from plating what looks to be eggy toast with sausage on the side. “What, a kitten?”
“Mhm.” You sit at the bar and watch it move from stove to plate.
Roboro smiles, peeling oranges for the both of you. “I think Callisto’s picked me out.” You tilt your head in confusion. Rob simply points downwards; you peek around the corner of the counter to see the runt of the litter sitting on its shoe, bear-hugging its pant leg, unbothered by it walking around. “She hasn’t even eaten yet.”
You snort and get up to peel her off, much to the dismay of Callisto. “I’m sorry baby girl, you need food before I go.” You set her down with her siblings, endure the following glare from her with a grin, and watch as she reluctantly trots off to eat. The plates clinking against the counter makes your head turn. “Speaking of food…”
Rob comes over and passes you a cup of hot chai. “Caffeine.”
Caffeine! You take a sip and bounce on your toes happily. “It’s delicious, thank you!”
Their smile makes your stomach flutter. “You’re welcome.”
…you’re hopeless, aren’t you?
“So. Kitten care.”
Breakfast had been thankfully rather quiet until you came out of the bedroom, fully dressed and ready for the day. You slip on your shoes and coat. “Uh huh.”
“I need a litter box, dry food, bowls, maybe a collar…you said her paperwork is in here?” Rob thumbs through a small stack of papers on the counter.
You make sure lunch is prepared and packed while he watches you move around. “Yup. She gets another set of shots in two weeks, and then you’ll take her to her final set the month after.”
“And then it’s once a year from then on.”
“On average.”
“But what if she gets hurt? Like if Moose steps on her, or if I step on her, or-”
“Rob.” You very gently grab the center of his hoodie, and force him to look you in the eye. “You have a week. You have plenty of time to freak out about it before you have to get your shit together.”
Roboro blinks at you. “…that’s not very reassuring.”
You roll your eyes. “If you can handle a traumatized horse of a dog, then you can handle the extremely spoiled runt of a litter of kittens. You’ve done this song and dance. You got this.”
It sighs, its tense shoulders dropping. “Yeah?”
“Yeah.” You let go and give it a few pats on its chest before walking off to get your lunch bag. Ah, shoot, that’s another thing you need! You grab your list real quick and write it down.
“What’s that?”
“Stuff I need after I move,” you sigh. “I’m just adding to it as I go.”
“Can I see?”
You pass it over. “It gets longer every day. Feel free to write any suggestions.” You waltz off to grab a hair tie and make sure it’s not going to be in your face all day, taking a moment to primp in the bathroom a little. You come out, and-
Rob stuffs a piece of paper in its pocket, and puts your list back in its drawer.
“What-”
“You were missing silverware.”
Wait, really? You let your smile hide the disappointment you hold towards yourself. “Shit. Thank you.”
Rob doesn’t smile back. “You’re welcome.” You watch it leash up Moose. “You ready?”
You make sure you have everything, including your keys. “Ready!”
When you get home from work, dropping everything off before you have to leave for therapy, you find yourself curious. You open the drawer to look at the list again.
The paper seems mostly the same actually, save for some additional writing towards the end. You turn the page over, and- whoa! Rob added a hell of a lot more than silverware; you see pots and pans, storage bins, to-go containers, toilet paper, and so much more. Some of the things, both in the front and the back, are crossed out.
You’re confused. You’ve seen it make lists before, back in the bakery on carrot day actually. Every time something was done, or if there was a plan to take care of it, you’d watch it cross it out almost immediately after. Are the crossed ones things that Rob is covering for you? Was it recording the ones it claimed for later, so it didn’t forget?
That’s…so damn sweet. Your heart aches. Your star glows. Your stomach flutters.
You don’t know a lot of things right now, but you’re starting to calculate just how impossible it is for you to not fall in love with Roboro. And the conclusion?
You’re blinding screwed.
Notes:
"But why is nothing happening" Shhhhh. Shush. It's movin' time during the next one. They deserve a domestic break where they just talk about their problems and are polite together. Shh.
Chapter Text
When you told Jian of how overwhelmed you felt, his response was frustratingly simple: “Write him a love letter,” he’d explained, “then burn it when you’re ready.”
So here you are, sitting on the couch, glaring angrily at a pen and paper at the coffee table in front of you. This is dumb. This is so, so, so dumb. Your emotions are dumb and stupid and worthless and meaningless and you shouldn’t have to do homework when you’re almost blinding forty. You don’t want to open this can of worms. You just want to keep it down until it dies a slow and painful death, and then everything can just go back to the way it was.
What was it like before you caught feelings? You recall crying a lot. And Roboro wasn’t nearly as open with you.
…you slowly lean over, and pick up the pen.
Dear Roboro Dear Rob Rob,
Hello there Hi there Hi. I don’t want to write this as much as you probably don’t want to read it, but thankfully you never have to. At least one of us is safe from the embarrassment of knowing this letter exists.
I’m not sure where to start. I guess I should add when I’m writing this? It’s the week before moving day. I figured out my feelings around two weeks ago, but I think I’ve been actually feeling everything for longer. How embarrassing is that? We barely knew each other and I trusted you so fast and I’m getting ahead of myself. My therapist recommended I write everything out and burn it later.
The truth is I’ll keep it simple I guess I should be blunt. You make me feel things that I’ve never felt before You make me nervous and comfortable all at the same time I’m in love with you I love you. And I have for a long time. I don’t know how to deal with it, to be honest. You make my stomach churn and my chest flutter and every time you touch me I wish that you would just kiss me already and I don’t know what to do about it. We both just started therapy. It’s a really, really bad time for us to try anything now.
But I keep getting hints from you. I don’t even know if you’re aware that you’re doing it. Hand kisses, more hugs, more touch in general actually. It’s really nice. I love how you make me feel safe. And how you make me feel loved without saying anything at all. I feel like I’m using you I’m so scared that I’m misreading things I think I might just be manipulating you into liking me at this point I love how you try to make me smile and laugh when you act like a grump around everyone else. It feels like a privilege to see that side of you. I want to make you smile every day I want to make you laugh like how you used to I want to wake up next to you every morning I want to make sure I can do the same for you. I know I don’t have much to offer you I know I’m probably crazy for even considering you’d want me I’m hoping therapy will help me be a better person. I can’t tell if I’m making any progress or not. Apparently that’s normal.
This ended up being way more about me than you. Stupid stupid stupid feelings. They just make me more selfish They always get in the way. Anyways. I’m waiting until we’re both a little more stable to say it aloud, but I will someday. Even if it petrifies me. Until then, I love you Roboro. I hope it’s enough for now.
With sincerity, Loop
You folded and shoved that letter in a random envelope that you decided that you would be stealing from the house on the spot. You ended up stashing it in the box you were packing your life in. You have tomorrow and the next day off, your weekend following after that, to make sure you have enough time to settle in properly at Patricia’s insistence. You’ve made sure every borrowed blanket and article of clothing is washed and put away. Sonny told you that any socks or underwear you used were an exception to the rule and are thankfully yours to keep.
You lay under the covers, and sigh. You move into your new home tomorrow.
You plan on stripping the sheets and putting them in front of the empty washer in the morning. The only shoes you’re walking out of here with are the boots you’ve been living in since theater night, and frankly you can’t complain. You’ll need another pair of something else eventually. Maybe sneakers, boring as they are. You’re even wearing a nightgown you made with clothes that are yours set out for tomorrow.
You look around your room. Jupiter and the kittens are sprawled all around the bed. Thankfully all of their supplies are yours. Rob will be here in the morning to help you transport them in their carriers, and he’ll even be taking Callisto home with him. Thank the Universe this is all happening on one of his days off.
…you’ve done everything you can to prepare, but you’re still terrified that this was all one big prank and you’ll be back in the woods without a home to go to.
There’s a knock on your door in the morning, earlier than what you set your alarm for. You pull yourself out of bed, grumbling the entire way out, and answer it in your nightgown.
“Oh, am I early?”
You peek your eyes open just enough to see Roboro standing in front of you. You blink, and smile. “Hi,” is all you can manage to say.
It snorts. “Hi.” Rob steps inside and closes the door for you. “When were you going to be up?”
“Like eight,” you mumble while wiping your face of sleep. “What time is it?”
“…six.”
You drop your hand and give it the meanest glare you can muster.
Rob puts up its palms in surrender. “I didn’t know! You said to get here early!”
"Early” clearly means something else in a baker’s world. You sigh. “I’m meeting them at nine thirty. I’m going back to bed.” Without thinking, you take Rob’s hand and lead it to your room.
“Wait, Loop-”
“Beeeed.” You assess how you’d been sleeping in the spot Rob probably needs for its injury, and switch your pillows while tidying up the covers.
“What are you…?”
You can’t verbalize your reasoning at the moment, so you just say, “I was in your spot.”
Rob pauses. There’s a warmth in the smile it’s trying to hide that makes your heart soften. “…okay.”
You don’t know what that was about, and you’re too tired to delve into it. You crawl under cold covers with a shiver as Rob kicks off its shoes. It joins you shortly after, and you don’t hesitate to wiggle in closer when it opens an arm for you.
Its chuckles reverberate throughout your ears while you both adjust and get comfortable. “Get some sleep, Lu.”
And with your arms carefully wrapped around its chest, you smile.
When you wake up, Roboro’s body against yours is replaced by the wistful smell of a cold morning paired with a cup of tea.
You yawn and stretch like a cat in the cold shade after the sun moved away from the spot you’d originally picked to nap in. The weight of the tangles in your hair pull at your scalp as you sit up and inhale the familiar scent of eggs and toast.
Rob made breakfast, like it always does. Maybe you should make it breakfast for it sometime. Or maybe you’re trading off, since you always make dinner?
You take the opportunity to close the door and get dressed, quickly making sure that the envelope labeled with Rob’s name is well hidden in the pile of homemade dresses, paperwork, and fabric scraps. You even have your stone shovel with the hope of sharpening it up for a little garden.
You turn off the alarm clock so it won’t ring while you’re gone, and walk out with your box. “Good morning.”
Rob looks up from a pair of full plates. “Morning. I was just about to wake you up.”
You yawn again, and set the box on the couch. “There’s food?”
“There’s food.”
“Yesssss.”
They snort with a little smile as you approach the bar. “Tea?”
“Please.”
You watch them pour you a cup. “How’d you sleep?”
“Better. Other than my rude awakening,” you respond with a playful glare.
“I’m sorry,” it chuckles. “I really didn’t know.”
“I know,” you reassure with a teasing edge. “I should’ve specified.”
Rob sits next to you with its plate of poached eggs on toast drizzled with olive oil. “…how’re you feeling?”
You break open the yolk with your own slice. “I don’t know,” you say honestly. “I think I’m just waiting for the rug to be pulled out from under me, to be honest.”
Roboro’s silence, followed by a suspiciously gentle tone, warns you that you might’ve said too much already. “What do you mean by that?”
You chew slowly, watching your tea brew in its cup. You shrug a little. “I’ve just tended to have bad luck before this point. I don’t have any real memories of my life before the loops, but I know it wasn’t great.”
Rob’s quiet. “…I’m really proud of you.”
You raise an eyebrow. “For what?”
“For not running from this.”
You sit with that, and all of its implications, for a heavy moment. “Thank you,” you finally respond.
“I don’t mean to offend you-”
“No, no,” you quietly insist. Yeah, it hurts, but Rob’s right. You swirl your cup. “I…I know I was a self-sabotager. Probably still am.”
It shakes its head. “Siffrin used to do that a lot. Would turn down jobs that he thought were too big, too important, but I haven’t seen you back down from a challenge yet.”
You take another bite. “I wanted to stay here. Still do. Can’t do that if I don’t change.”
Rob pauses its doctoring of its tea. “What do you mean?”
You think about an old therapy appointment talking over how you felt you needed to earn the right to take up space. You sigh. “I don’t know. I…don’t think the old me could do what I have to do now.”
It’s quiet for a good minute. “Touch.” It wraps an arm around you, and hugs you close. “I’m still proud of you.”
You smile a little, lean in, and pretend that you don’t miss the ability to flee from your problems.
The excitement starts to hit when you leave your house keys in the mailbox.
It’s quite the walk, but not too much farther than Rob’s house. You both trek over the bridge and throughout the awakening town. You’re trying to hide how giddy you really are, but you know you must not be doing it very well from how Rob glances and smiles at you. You both pass Patty’s Pages where the cobblestone turns into grass and head straight for the treeline.
“Um, are you sure it’s this way-”
But there it is. Standing there in the distance, tall and strong, is your house beyond the trees.
It look just like what you agreed on. Solid shingles. There’s a bay window at the bottom, and a tiny porch by the front door. It’s a two-story, but it looks small enough for you to clean by yourself.
You have a hard urge to run, but you can’t move.
“Lu?” Rob stands in your peripheral vision, holding the two carriers the cats are split between and a bag of perishables that you didn’t want to leave behind. “You okay?”
You blink, and take a deep breath. In, and out. “…yeah. Yeah, I think so.”
As you get closer, you can’t stop looking at it.
You notice wood and twisted metal and stone. You count the shingles and the wooden planks. There are even a pair of stars above the top two windows staring down at you.
Maria and Joel come out of the front door, smiling. “Well hey stranger!”
You grin and bounce forward. “It looks incredible!!!”
Rob chuckles behind you. “Hi guys.”
“Oh, Robert! Good to see you,” Maria greets.
“You too, ma’am,” it says politely. “How’s James doing?”
“He’s good,” Joel smiles. “He’s upstairs. Finishing touches.”
….wait. Hang on. “Are you guys James’s parents?”
“We are,” Maria giggles. “You didn’t know that?”
You shake your head.
“He lives on his own,” Joel explains. “But he still takes on commissions for the family business. He helped build the cabinets.”
Huh! “I had no idea! Good for him.”
Maria opens the door for you to step inside, and you…hesitate.
Rob taps the back of your heel with its sneakers. “C’mon. Let’s go put stuff down.”
You snort, forced to delve down the hall. You pass by a hall closet and find a fork in the road. In front of you is the kitchen, but you can see the living room from where you stand off to the left. The walls are all stained wood with gentle lighting. The kitchen seems nice and roomy, even big enough to fit an island. You get the box down on the counter. “How many bedrooms did you end up going with?”
“…two-and-a-half?”
You raise an eyebrow at Joel.
“There’s two rooms upstairs, and there’s an office space by the living room.”
“Is that the room with the pretty window?”
“It is! It’s not very big, but it could easily be turned into a crafting room.”
Or a little greenhouse. You smile. “Sounds perfect.” You dig through your container and get out the cat bowls and dry food, along with the other cat supplies. “Are the doors all closed?”
“They are.”
You smile at Roboro. “Release the kraken.”
It chuckles under its breath before it sets the kittens, who were mewing in impatience the whole trip, onto the floor and opens the carriers. They each hop out one by one, hesitantly scoping their surroundings.
You set up food and water in the kitchen and turn the corner to enter the living room. You nearly drop the empty litter box at the sight of the fireplace and…furniture? “There’s a couch.”
“There is,” Rob says matter-of-factually.
You can tell it’s hiding a smile. “How…?”
“An auction house was selling it,” Maria admits. “It looked adorable and was cheap as hell.”
“Maria’s an interior designer as a hobby,” Joel explains. “Please tell us if we’ve overstepped.”
“No, no, no,” you chuckle. “I’m just surprised. I was expecting having to start from scratch.”
“We figured you’d need a few things. Besides, this one over here was a big help.” Maria points a thumb over to Rob.
It stutters and blushes, hiding its face by turning away. “It was nothing,” it manages simply.
You feel your own cheeks heat up. “I appreciate it all the same,” you reply honestly. You distract yourself by setting up the litter box in the corner before taking an actual look around.
The fireplace is already going strong behind a grate. Joel shows you the latch to open and close it, and how to do so safely even when it’s hot. There’s two bathrooms already supplied with toilet paper, one upstairs and one downstairs, and all of the laundry facilities are on the upper floor. You were sure you’d need to supply your own appliances, like the microwave and the oven and the fridge, but no. Maria and Joel made sure you were taken care of.
When you’re shown your bedroom, revealing the second fireplace stacked right on top of the one in the living room, James is putting the finishing touches on a very pretty bed frame. It’s a similar size to your old one, but with nicer wood and more curvature. You watch James meticulously carve out a star in the center, the wood shavings caught by a tarp draped over a comfy-looking mattress.
Oddly enough, you’ve seen stars everywhere in this house. You’ve seen them in the corners of the subtle crown molding, in comets painted on the accent wallpaper behind the fireplace. There’s even one made of wood that’s hanging above the gas stove. Maria and Joel met you in person once, and somehow immediately nailed what home means to you.
…yup, it’s official. You’re about to cry.
“Hey, real quick,” Rob asks them. “You said something about an access closet for the electricity and water?”
“Oh, yeah!” Joel starts for the door, leading Rob out of the room with him.
Maria turns to you. “Do you want to follow us?”
You shake your head. You’re on the verge of a breakdown. “I need a minute.”
She only nods with a smile, and leaves you alone.
You hear James shift behind you, the tarp beneath him rustling as he stand up. “Do you want me out too?”
Your shoulders drop. “If you don’t mind?”
“Not at all.” James shows off his mother’s smile as he follows the crowd and closes the door for you.
You look around at the walls. There’s more of that gorgeous wallpaper behind the fireplace again. Tears fill your eyes as you look over the engravings of stars and swirls along the door frame. They’re falling by the time your eyes get the chance to really look at the bed.
James was carving little constellations. They come to you like the names of old friends: Corvus, Virgo, Leo, Lynx, Draco, Ursa Major, and so many more litter the entire piece.
You quietly sob at the feeling of little memories coming back. You’re not used to them sticking. Your fingers graze the finished product to make sure they’re real.
“Loop…?”
You quickly back up and dry your tears at the sound of Roboro’s concerned voice. “Hey,” you whisper.
It closes the door behind it. “Joel caught something last minute, so he’s fixing it now.” Rob approaches you and puts a hand on your shoulder. “Are you okay?”
You nod, even as you’re quietly crying into your palms. You feel it guide you to its chest to hug you close. “It’s so much,” you whisper. “This is way too much.”
They rest their chin on your head. “I was happy to do it.”
“Rob-”
“You cleaned my entire apartment, organized food, and notified my job that I would be out of business, all while I was in the hospital. All I did was make sure you had a bed to sleep on and-”
“Rob.”
Finally, it's quiet.
You carefully inhale. “It isn’t just that. It’s the couch and the appliances and the fucking toilet paper and-” Well so much for trying to breathe. You’re borderline hyperventilating, speaking so fast you can’t even comprehend what you’re saying. “It’s too much, it’s too much, I haven’t earned it, it’s too much-”
Rob gently takes your cheeks and wipes away your tears, quietly shushing you. “Lu, I don’t know anyone else that deserves this more.”
You can feel the snot starting to build up in your nose as you frown and look away. Why do you have to be such an ugly crier? “It doesn’t feel like it,” you admit.
Rob’s face, having been a comfortable neutral all day, finally falls a little. “It will one day.”
You sniffle. “Yeah?”
It gently kisses the top of your head, and pulls you in for a hug. “Yeah.”
You carefully return it, cry in his chest, and pretend that you believe him.
The first day in your new home was a strange one to be sure.
The water, gas, and electricity were already on and running by the time Maria, Joel, and James cleaned up their work and bid you adieu. You and Roboro went throughout the house and uncovered more hidden gifts. You discovered the stuff Rob crossed off your list in the kitchen, like plates and silverware and some basic cooking supplies, but there were more treasures in the closets. Maria provided you a slew of pillows, cleaning supplies, bed sheets, and a mattress protector. There’s even a phone hooked up on each floor, so you don’t have to rush downstairs when you hear it ring.
“Do you want me to stay the night?”
You think about it for a moment. “You can if you want. Will Moose be okay? Do you want to bring him over?”
Rob smiles at you. “I can go get him.”
And it was already gone when you decide to sort through your box and get everything put away. You have so much more room now, more than you know what to do with. You’re not sure what you’ll put in the second bedroom across the hall from yours. Maybe you’ll make a little guest room? But that’s a project for another day.
You get out your paper, tear off a tiny blank piece, and stretch it out to write on. You pick up your pen and-
Be careful using your gifts like that.
You instinctively fling it across the room. “Who’s…” You breathe a sigh of relief when you place the voice. “It’s just you.”
It’s just me.
The woods’ melodic tone chirps in your head, like a strange combination of all the animals in the forest mixed with the whistling of the wind. “…I’m not in the forest.”
Your home is made of me.
You frown with a sigh. “Yeah, I…I didn’t know that you were a living thing until the house was half-way done. Sorry about that.”
You think you hear Her giggling. It’s alright. They had my permission.
You relax a little. “That’s good.” You pause. “Why do I need to be careful about my powers?”
It attracts the Beast.
You roll your eyes with a huff. “Not you too.”
You’re safe, She explains. The others are not.
…Roboro. Stars. You quickly get up off the floor-
He’s safe with the canine.
You breathe a sigh of relief. “So, use my gifts when I’m alone.”
When everyone is inside.
You nod. “…do you know why it won’t touch me?”
Her answer is simple, concise, but confusing all the same. No. Not yet.
But despite the woods and her warning, the rest of the night went off without much of a hitch. Roboro brought a leftover lasagna to bake off for lunch and dinner. The two of you ended up sprawled on the floor together in front of the fireplace while you ate, playing with the kittens while catching up on work and life. Apparently Roboro caught an issue in how Clyde has been filing his taxes for the last thirty years.
“Oops?”
“Understatement of the year. Village Hall is pissed at him now.” Rob blows on his bite of veggie lasagna. “I met the lady you told me about, the Social Worker…?”
You nod. “Sonny. How is she?”
“Good, I think. She was helping out a kid so we didn’t get to talk much.”
A kid? Are there more deities out there that are also children? Your gut sinks. You did spot a school on your way here…
“Loop?”
You blink, and try to not think about Bonnie. “Sorry. I’m here.”
Its eyes narrow before its brows suddenly relax. "The kid."
Your shoulders fall. "Yeah." You haven't thought about them in a while. "Did Mira get anything while she was away? Any clues, or hints, or...?"
Rob shakes its head sadly. "No. None whatsoever."
A yet, that doesn't make you feel better. You want to be naive, to believe that Bonnie never endured what the rest of you did, but if every Siffrin is selfish enough to teach the rest of your family how to wish properly, then that includes the kid.
"...do you think they're okay?"
You look into the fire, and look for any shapes, any clues the Universe can give you, anything. "Lord above, I hope so."
Chapter 21
Notes:
I have been so giddy to get this chapter out but life is biting me and I may need a good nap after I publish this one-
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
You don’t sleep.
You have a dose of meds in your system and the world’s comfiest bed, but this house just doesn’t feel as safe as the other one did. You clutch Rob’s arm all night, jealous of it sleeping like a log. At least its nightmares have ceased for the time being. You can’t really put your finger on why you're so restless, but-
Oh. Wait. Is the room too dark? The walls in the last place were a darkless shade that the sun, moon, and stars illuminated. Maybe you just need a nightlight.
It’s safe, you try to convince yourself. It’s warm, and Rob’s next to you, and you know that he would kill for you if need be, and everything’s fine.
Clearly your brain doesn’t think so though, because before you know it, Roboro’s alarm is about to go off. Would today be a good day to try and make it breakfast? You have a couple of eggs and some milk that you stole from the other house. You could whip something up real quick.
You detangle yourself from it and slowly make your way down the unfamiliar hallway. You grip the railing of the stairs with vigor, careful to not make any of the wood planks creak. Actually, nothing in this house, save for the hum of the refrigerator, makes any noise now that you think about it. It’s too dark, too quiet, too lifeless.
It’s starting to remind you of the House.
You scurry to the kitchen, rubbing tired eyes, and turn on the lights as you go. You don’t care that you don’t have any curtains. You’re covered by your nightgown, and frankly this area is so remote in comparison to the rest of the town that you aren’t that worried. You click on the gas until the flame lights, adjust the heat, and stick on a pan that Roboro gave you.
You still can’t believe that it got you a freaking bed. With a mattress and everything! And personalized it exactly to your taste! And you can’t even pay it back because it was paying you back!!!
…are you angry about this? Why are you mad about receiving something nice, especially since you earned it? You worked hard to help Roboro. You should be happy, but instead you’re spiraling about how you don’t deserve any of this. You beat your anger out by whipping up some eggs with a fork and some milk. You don’t have any salt or pepper, but you do have cheese. You hope that it’s flavoring enough.
You tense at the sound of Rob’s footsteps before you take a deep breath and force yourself to relax. You’re not in the House. The others aren’t here. It’s just the two of you.
“Touch,” Rob mumbles as it snakes its arms around your waist, bending down to rest its lips on your shoulder.
“G’morning,” you breathe through a rush of heat that makes your knees weak.
“Mmmmm.”
Sounds like it isn’t quite awake yet! You giggle and reach up to rustle its hair with a clean hand. “How’d you sleep?”
“Heavy,” they breathe, tickling your neck. A part of you wants it to kiss your pulse. Maybe bite it a little. “You?”
You sigh, pushing away your naughty thoughts. “I didn’t sleep.”
They lift their head. “No?”
You shake your own, serving up the eggs. “Not a wink. I think my room’s too dark.”
It pauses. “Your hair literally glows.”
You snort. “It’s not exactly great for lighting up corners.” You turn off the burner and set the pan away from the edge.
“I didn’t know you’re scared of the dark.”
“You make it sound so childish,” you respond in a joking tone, covering your embarrassment.
“I am too.”
…well now you just feel like a dick. You turn and pass Rob its fork and plate. “Is it for the same reason as mine?”
It smiles at its serving of eggs, and leans against the counter. You manage to hop up and sit in the corner, legs folded under your nightgown. “The House was always too dark.”
You nod in agreement. “This place reminds me of it.”
Rob, loading his fork up with food, pauses. “How come?”
“The walls. Don’t get me wrong, they look nothing like the House, but in the dark…”
He nods in understanding. “My apartment was the same way.”
You take a bite of food. “Yeah?”
Rob chews and swallows its own. “I got used to it. I started out with mentally pointing out the obvious differences, and next thing I knew the anxiety I had over it was gone.”
You glance around your kitchen, and breathe a sigh of relief. It doesn’t look anything like the one in the House.
“Just like that.”
Oops! You got caught fast! Warmth rushes to your cheeks as you quickly take another bite of eggs, ignoring how its looking at you.
“…you should sleep when I go.”
You snort. “And throw off my entire sleep schedule?”
It nods. “It’s worth a nap.”
You don’t have the energy to argue. “Will you be picking up Callisto after work or are you dropping her off with Moose?”
“I’ll take her with me when I go.” Rob finishes its plate with ease. “…thank you for breakfast.”
You’re still working on yours. You nod. “You always make it. I figured I’d return the favor.”
“Can I do the same for you, then? Make you dinner sometime?”
Your chest flutters wildly at the phrasing, but your brain knows better. “That would be nice,” you reply quietly.
A warm smile lights up its entire face. “Maybe not this weekend, but the next? When you’ve settled in a little more.”
You smile back. “Sounds perfect.”
Kissing Callisto goodbye was less emotional than you were expecting, but maybe it’s just the sleep deprivation getting to you. You give Moose a smooch of his own and hug Rob before watching them walk towards town in the dark. You don’t stop watching them from your bedroom window until you see Rob’s hair illuminated by a street lamp. You shuffle up to your room and set your alarm clock for about two hours before you have to leave for therapy.
And then you black out in bed until a knocking sound makes you jump awake. You peek out your window and- oh blind it all you can’t see the porch from here, so you turn to grab a coat- you don’t have one anymore, and you have no idea how to make one- blanket it is!!! You pull the wool around you as you trek down cold stairs. You need to light another log- no, wait, you need to turn on the internal heating system Joel told you about.
You fumble with the door latch and make sure the cats, awake and perky, stay away from the entrance. “Can I- oh!”
To your surprise, Taeko and Mirabelle are standing at your front door looking just as confused as you feel.
“…I forgot about something, didn’t I.”
They both slowly start to snicker. Mira speaks first. “Rough first night then?”
You grin and step back to let them in. “I went to bed at eight last night and fell asleep at five-thirty.”
“God,” Mira winces, walking in behind Taeko. “And now it’s noon.”
You blink one eye at a time. You hadn’t registered that you’d actually slept. No dreams, just darkness. It doesn’t help that you currently couldn’t guess what day of the week it was if you tried.
“…have you eaten?”
And that’s how the three of you ended up at Drew’s diner, enjoying some quick sandwiches and breakfast - and paying for the whole meal faster than the other two, making Mira pout and Taeko snort - before heading off to Skrivenshore. You’d completely forgotten about the plans you’d made with the two of them to go thrift shopping after move-in day, but you’re remembering why you chose to set it up this way; your wrap dress, which you ended up having to stretch out in the chest and hips to your dismay, only reaches past your knees and leaves your arms and calves cold. You didn’t complain, but Taeko placed her coat over your shoulders anyways.
“How’re you feeling?”
Mira’s gentle voice breaks you out of your loop of looking at the same three shirts over and over and over again. “Hm? Oh, I’m okay. Just waking up.”
“Still?” Her giggles still sound the same. “You poor thing.”
Taeko peeks around the two of you. “You’ve been hyperfixated on those. Why don’t you try them on?”
…you hesitantly pick them all up. “I don’t know my size anymore.”
“Well that’s why we try things on silly,” Mira teases. “Come on!”
But then you get a new dilemma after you go through each one. Taeko’s brows narrow at the look on your face. “What’s wrong?”
You’re frowning in the mirror at a lightless crewneck with long sleeves. You wish it was a turtleneck, like the shirt you loved from the old house, but you can’t hide the scar on your neck forever. “I can’t choose.”
Mira raises an eyebrow. “You’re rebuilding your wardrobe.”
You think about your limited budget sitting in your dress pocket, another thing you had to whip up last minute. You’ve saved a lot over the course of the last five months, and the mortgage is actually pretty comparable to your old rent, but you need a cushion just in case the new bills throw you off. “And?”
Taeko leans forward from her seat. “You’re going to need a good chunk of clothes that will last you at least two weeks.”
Two weeks? The ones you borrowed before barely lasted you one! You cringe.
Mirabelle snorts. “What? If you need help carrying it back, then we’re happy to follow you-”
You quickly shake your head. “It’s not that, it’s…” Wow. You’ve never been embarrassed about not having enough money before, at least not like this. You feel your cheeks grow hot as shame coils in your stomach. “I know I can’t afford that.”
“Oh, you’re not paying.”
Taeko’s instantaneous response feels like you’ve been kissed, then slapped. You blink. “What? Yes I am???”
“Nope! We are,” Mira chimes in. “You covered brunch, we’re covering clothes!”
Your eyes widen. “What do you…?”
“Look, Roboro mentioned your situation to us and said it was taking care of the bed. We’re taking care of the wardrobe. You have a closet, right?”
You slowly nod.
“Hangers?”
You shake your head.
Taeko stands up from her seat. “Alright, I’ll go find some.”
Nerves spike your blood pressure. Your hands begin to shake. You can feel your eyes begin to water. “Okay.”
Maybe it’s the way your voice cracked a little, but something about how you said that makes Taeko pause. “…are you alright?”
Honestly? “I have no idea,” you manage with a shaky voice.
Mirabelle just giggles a little and leads you to the couch to sit. “Emotions?”
You plop down and lean on her shoulder with a sigh. “Emotions.”
Taeko chuckles and ruffles your bangs. “I’ll be right back.”
You nod, and wait until she’s gone to talk again. “…I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”
Mira leans her head on yours. “Nothing is wrong with you. We’re just trying to help however we can. What’s the Big Feeling right now?”
Her voice soothes your anxiety. You feel tired again. “Shame.” You can practically hear the concern in her expression. “I-It’s not anyone’s fault! I just…struggle with accepting help. A lot. It’s something I’m trying to work on.”
She doesn’t say anything for awhile, letting you lean on her shoulder. “I think I understand that.”
Your brows scrunch. “Didn’t you take, what, over a hundred classes at the House? Doesn’t that require you asking for help?”
Mira snorts. “You’d think so. But being unmedicated in a time loop crabs your brain up.”
…it feels weird hearing a Vaugardian swear nowadays, but it’s still nice. Reminds you of home in a way. “How long were you in for? If I may ask?”
She goes dead quiet. Stars, did you cross a line? You’re about to open your mouth when she answers you: “Three-thousand, four-hundred, and eighty-three loops. Half a day per skip. So…probably five or so years if we’re counting Sugarplum’s loops.”
Your heart sinks. “Blinding hell.”
“Yeah,” she says quietly. “What about you?”
“…about ten.”
“Ten thousand-”
“Ten years.”
Mira stops breathing.
“Eleven, counting Stardust.”
She exhales a shaky breath. “Change.”
“Yeah. I’m still sorry you had to go through that.”
Mirabelle gently takes your hand and gives it a squeeze. You squeeze back. “You too.”
Taeko comes back with an armful of wrapped hangers and a displeased expression. “The nerve of some people, you wouldn’t believe how rude that assistant…was…” She raises an eyebrow at you two. “What happened?”
“Nothing,” you reply with a tired smile. “Just talking about hard stuff.”
“Ah.” Her tone immediately relaxes. “Time junk?”
“Time junk,” you two answer simultaneously.”
Taeko places the hangers inside your empty cart. “Well. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but we have an hour and a half before this one-” She points at you. “-has to make it to their appointment.”
“So we need to crack down,” you groan. “I have no idea where to start.”
Mirabelle sits up just enough to pull out a tiny notebook and pencil from her jacket pocket. “Okay, you need clothes good for summer and winter, and pants, and…bras?”
You sigh. “Probably a good idea.”
“I wouldn’t get those second-hand,” Taeko chimes in, sitting on your other side. “What do you have?”
It took about five minutes for the three of you to make a plan, divide, then conquer, and before you knew it, you had plenty of shirts of different varieties, a nice stationary set, a heavy winter coat, some cardigans, a few pairs of good quality pants, a cute skirt that caught your eye - which Mira encouraged you to get of course - and two new pairs of shoes. And because you have the best friends ever, Mirabelle and Taeko even agreed to hang onto your bags of precious cargo at a coffee shop nearby while you went to therapy.
Universe above, you have no idea how you’re going to repay them.
“Why do you feel the need to repay them?”
You don’t know if it’s the sleep deprivation or the fact that you’re emotionally on your last straw, but Jian seems to be more irritating than usual today. “Because I do,” you groan while rubbing your eyes. “I can’t explain it.”
He nods and writes something down. “Could this be connected to what we talked about a few weeks ago? With you feeling like you need to earn your place in a community?”
You pause. “Maybe? I don’t really know.”
Jian tilts his head in thought. “Do you see favors as debts?”
You ponder over that one. “I mean, what comes around goes around, right?”
“But a favor is a gift.”
“Yeah, but if I don’t return the favor then…then…”
“Then what? What really happens?”
“Then I’m selfish.”
The room goes dead quiet. Jian looks at you like you just slapped yourself in front of him.
You hunch your shoulder and turn to face the floor. “Look, it’s just how I’ve always felt, alright?” You hug yourself and grip your skin.
“Are other people selfish if they don’t repay a favor from you?”
Your head snaps up. “What? No!”
Jian raises an eyebrow.
You feel like you’re going to cry. “I know it’s conflicting, but…”
He sighs, and simply leans forward. “Loop, what do you think about yourself?”
A quiet sob suddenly rips from you. You look at the floor in shame. You try to open your mouth to speak, but you can’t stop crying.
Jian doesn’t say another word, simply passing over the little box of tissues that always sits next to him on his side table and letting you cry until you’re quiet and shivering.
You have to take an extra ten minutes in the waiting room to calm down enough to see Taeko and Mira with even a hint of a smirk on your face, but unfortunately they clock your mood immediately.
“Rough one?”
You nod. You don’t want to talk about it.
Mira’s smile makes you want to cry all over again. “Do you wanna breathe a little before we go?”
You smile back, and dig through one of the totes for a cozy sweater you picked out. “…can you help me with this tag, please?”
She nods, not even hesitating to find a sewing kit from her purse and using the thread scissors to cut it off.
You shrug on the sweater, and exhale. Your chest isn’t hanging out for everyone to see. You aren’t freezing. You can breathe.
You sit between the two ladies, ignoring how Taeko looks at you out of concern, and order a hot chocolate.
You feel better by the time you get home.
You’re still heavy, but you let Mira distract you for a bit before Taeko went in with some gentle questions on if there was anything they both needed to know. You didn’t say much. Just a few crumbs of your self-esteem issues to keep her fed. You want to tell her everything, you really do, but you know you wouldn’t be able to stand how she’d look at you after such a conversation.
It wasn’t long after that you were headed back home in the carriage you came over in, managing to handle your bags by yourself. You stay close by the woods, avoiding being seen by anybody else, save for the bridge. You can’t handle any questions from strangers right now.
In here, you hear Her call.
You cross the tree line, making sure the town stays within your sight. “Sorry,” you whisper.
It’s alright, she echos. It isn’t here right now.
The Beast? "It can leave?”
The forest is quiet for a moment. It shrinks.
What. “What.”
It shrinks, and grows, and shrinks, and grows.
You think about that for a moment. “Why?”
But you don’t get an answer. You walk alongside the woods in silence until you get to your house. You check behind you to make sure you didn’t lose anything by accident, and use the back door to get inside.
To your surprise, there’s something waiting for you on the kitchen counter. You put your bags down by the foot of the stairs and pick up the little note on top of the pile, written in Roboro’s handwriting.
Lu, this was supposed to be a surprise but I forgot that you no longer have a winter coat and probably need one ASAP. If you don’t end up wearing this, I understand. I got some groceries I thought you’d like and an old recipe book I brought from home. Return it when you’re done please? Some of them can’t be replaced. Thanks, Rob.
You feel your chest flutter and your cheeks glow. You let your fingers trace the letters, feeling each swirl of its pen.
And then you come back to whatever this planet is called and drop the paper on the marble. You need to write another letter to burn. You still haven’t burnt the other one. You quickly check to make sure it’s still in your box, and breathe a sigh of relief when you see the envelope.
You make sure all kittens are accounted for and fed - save for Callisto, you’re starting to miss her now - and light a fire before you head back into the kitchen. You pick up the cook book that sits on top of a lightless fabric and flip through it, only to pause at some chicken scratch in a few of the recipes. Things like add more crabbing salt and brine the chicken first and sear until mid-shade before poaching litter the pages.
You don’t recognize the handwriting until you find a heavily-edited recipe on malanga fritters. Frin says there needs to be more peppers. Mash? Dice? Figure out later. Set aside some batter for Za, fry clean ones first.
Your eyes well with tears. You let your fingers touch Bonnie’s letters as much as you can stand to do so without a full mental breakdown.
You blink rapidly and set the book aside to check the fabric. The outside is made of wool, but the inside is- oh! Oh!!!
You rush to the bathroom mirror on the door under the stairs, and slip on the heavy cloak Roboro asked you to mark up back when it was still healing. The underside, to your absolute glee, is made of the midnight fabric you gave it and is filled with pockets. The outside is simple enough; shapeless, but somehow still a flattering cut. There’s a hidden half-zipper with snap fasteners to give it a seamless effect. It’s not a hassle to get your hands out of it thanks to the slits in the front, and there’s some kind of embroidery at the start of the cuts. Are those…did Rob sew in tiny decorative bobby pins? That’s so cute!!!
You grin and giggle and spin with glee. It’s perfect, perfect, absolutely perfect! A part of you wishes it knew the Craft that your old one had so you could wear it in the summer, but for now you’ll enjoy it as much as you can before the weather warms up. You’re still wearing it when you decide to start cutting tags and warm up leftover lasagna for dinner in the oven.
You’re not gonna lie - having a full closet of your own without having to check if the size is even yours is very nice indeed.
You keep thinking about how you’re going to pay Taeko and Mira back, but you can practically hear your therapist’s voice in your head telling you to let them treat you. Maybe you can just…remain available for them? Just in case one of them needs help? Yeah, that sounds like a good plan.
You only take off your new cloak to put on some wool pajamas and socks, hanging it up in the hall closet by the front door for work next week. Stars, it’s only Thursday. What’re you going to do for three more days?
You yawn. Catching up on sleep and hunting down more furniture sounds like a good idea. Maria mentioned an auction house. It is in town? Maybe you could hunt down a couple of small tables and a wagon for transport. Perhaps a nice lounge chair.
You open the new stationary and smile at the details. There were only a few options, but when you found one covered in tiny planets and glistening stars, you felt like you’d scored gold. You click the pen you stole - because it’s a nice pen! Not because you’re a terrible person! - and begin to write.
Rob,
I’m actually wondering if I should just continue writing these for you while I wait to talk to you properly about this. I barely wanted to do one but I’m so swamped with emotion that I need this off of my plate. Thank the stars you’ll never see these.
You helped me move in yesterday. Everything was overwhelming and I sobbed like a baby, but you were so sweet kind patient with me. I think I’ve always loved that about you. And then you stopped by when I wasn’t home and dropped off some things, and when I tell you I swooned so hard at the gesture. I feel foolish. And touched. You trusting me with Bonnie’s cookbook was very kind of you. I actually cried a little. And the cloak! I love it I love it I love it! It’s heavy and cozy and silky and I just love it! I can’t wait to thank you in person!
I hope your therapy is going okay. And your new medicine is clearly helping. You’ve never smiled often, but you do more now. You seem present too. You listen when other people are talking, not just me. It’s nice to see you happy again. I’ve always loved your smile. I love your smile. I love your company. You make me feel so safe and so loved and You always know how to make me laugh even if it isn’t how Isabeau used to do it. Your dry wit is fun and shows off how smart you are. Weirdly enough, I love it? Actually that’s not weird, you’ve always been smart, I just haven’t been able to see it until now. It’s such a nice privilege.
The oven is dinging. Until next time? Still love you, Loop
By the time you went back to work on Monday, you’d acquired several side tables, lamps, a comfy chair, some candles, and a few nice pillows. You still don’t know what you’re doing with the extra room in your house. You’re not used to having so much space to put things!
You look through the books and your organization system, and smile. “So is this card system working out for us?”
“I think it is,” Patricia calls from the back room. “You did a really good job.”
Your chest swells. “Y’know,” you call back, “I was wondering, since I’m in the new house and will have more bills, if I should add another day of work on my schedule.”
Pat comes out with a box of books from that morning’s delivery. “We could talk about a raise. Maybe I can train you to open by yourself?”
You think about that. “Do I have your permission to come in early if we go with that? It’s more money out of your pocket, but I don’t know if I could get the books put away and organized by myself in time.”
“That’s how I’d train you,” she smiles. “I used to work early and stay late until you came along. I barely have to stay past closing nowadays.”
You smile back. You’re helping! You’re really helping! Pride fills you. “When would we want to start doing that?”
“Next week?”
You nod. “I’ll put it in…oh shit I need a new calendar.”
Patricia barks out a laugh. “I’ll go see if we have a damaged one in the back we can’t sell.”
“You’re awesome,” you chuckle, watching her go. The bell above the door dings, alerting you that someone’s coming. You turn to see Roboro standing there with coffee and goodies. “Hi!”
“Hello,” it automatically chuckles. “You seem to be in a good mood.”
You shake your hands by your sides. “It’s been a good morning. Whatchya got for us today?”
Rob sets your lattes down on the counter. “Blood orange scones.”
“Yum.” You take a sip of yours and…oh! “It tastes different today.”
“It’s a mocha.”
Ooh, chocolate! “Thank you,” you grin.
You catch a dusting of heat across Roboro’s cheeks. “You’re welcome,” it smiles.
You continue to drink your mocha, bouncing on the balls of your feet. “Are we still on for this weekend?”
It looks away. “Work’s starting to get busy, actually. I think I’ll be too tired to cook.”
…oh. You try not to look disappointed. “There’s always next week?”
Rob’s face slowly burns up. “W-Well, actually…” It visibly steels itself, clearing its throat and properly facing you once more. There’s a tinge of…is that fear in its eyes? “I was wondering if you’d like to go out. For dinner. As a date-”
“Yes.” You slap a hand over your mouth. You feel your face grow lava hot as your star flickers like a candle in the wind. You speak through your fingers, looking at the counter. “I mean. Sure. That would be nice. Great, even.”
You glance back up and catch Rob biting its lip. You just know it’s trying so hard to not laugh in your face, but you don’t think it can help it with how its shoulders are shaking.
You snort first, which coaxes quiet chuckles out of it. You let your hand fall and take a deep breath to relax. “Sorry. I said that too fast.”
“No, no,” Rob grins. Its cheeks might be darker than yours. “It was cute.”
You can feel heat traveling to your ears now. Universe above, spare you from this mockery. “So. Friday?”
“Mhm. Eight?”
Isn’t that late for it to be up? “Eight works.” You relax into a comfortable smile. “Where are we going?”
“There’s a nicer place on the edge of town. Faces the water.”
“Fancy,” you tease. “It’s almost like you thought this out or something.”
Rob rubs the back of its neck. “Figured it was a good change of pace from the diner.”
You giggle. “I’m looking forward to it. You have- oh, no, that’s right, my number’s different now!” You hunt for a scrap paper and pen and try to write it down quickly.
“How are you settling in?”
“Good.” You pass over the scrap, smiling warmly. “Much better than move-in day.”
He promptly pockets the paper and smiles back with a sigh. “…I should go, huh.”
You snort, but your heart aches for it to stay. “Clyde’s probably missing you.”
Rob’s shoulders fall a little. “Yeah.” But their gaze isn’t full of anxiety anymore. There’s joy in it now. You just hope that you don’t end up hurting them. “I’ll pick you up Friday?”
“Sounds good,” you grin.
Your whole body feels warm and giddy as you watch Roboro wave goodbye and walk out the door. You can’t help but smile to yourself.
“So,” you hear Patricia start from the doorway of the break room. You whip around, embarrassment flooding you all over again. “‘It’s not like that,’ huh?”
You fail to stuff down humiliated giggles, your heart on cloud nine. “Shut up!!!”
All she does is laugh and slap your new calendar on the counter. Pat takes her latte and gently pushes your shoulder. “I owe Clyde a twenty. Go take five, you nervous wreck!”
A grin breaks out. You don’t even flinch to her touch! You just snicker and shuffle into the back room to promptly squeal into your hands and jump until you calm down.
Work ends up still being work, but, even with Patty’s teasing, you remain smiling all day long.
Notes:
When I tell you my mother (Real Life Romance Writer) groaned and my aunt (Fellow Asexual) squealed when they heard the word count compared to just how far Loop and Rob have gotten in their relationship.
Loop's cloak is HEAVILY based on another's design, but it ended up becoming my own. I'll add the credit to that later, brain is jello <3
Chapter 22
Notes:
TW: alcoholism trigger, masturbation scene
Chapter Text
Rob,
Holy stars holy stars holy freaking blinding stars you came into work and literally asked me out and left what the HELL was that!? Did I hallucinate the whole thing!? I have been over the moon all week and I don’t know what to do about it! I’ve been too jumpy to sit down.
I can’t wait until Friday. I have been obnoxious all day. I got caught humming All I Ask Of You and Patricia somehow knows about us going to Phantom together? She teased me every time she gets a hint that I’m thinking about you, which is all the time.
Why do feelings have to be so consuming? Is there ever a balance? When I’m sad, I’m sad all the time until something breaks me out of it or it fades on its own. I can feel more than one emotion at a time, but this? This is overwhelming. I don’t think I’ve ever understood being in love until now. It’s like I’m being eaten alive It’s so scary and so wonderful all at the same time.
I can’t wait to hug you and listen to you laugh and see you smile. Until then! Loop
Friday night. Finally.
Roboro said the place was fancy, so you should wear your nicest dress, specifically the one you wore for Phantom Of The Opera. But you don’t think you should go with the same look, not exactly, so you use a cute cardigan to cover your chest and keep you warm. You don’t have any jewelry other than your earrings. Maybe you should get some during your next paycheck. You could call Mirabelle and set up a shopping day where you go back to that strip of stores and find you a proper bra, or something to flatten your chest.
You’ve found yourself more conscientious of that lately. It had always been easy to manage when you were traveling and heavily malnourished, but since you’ve gained some healthy weight your breasts feel so obvious that you have a strong urge to just wear saggy sweaters over your cute shirts until you can Change.
You pause your process of slowly putting on your star earrings from Yule. You don’t recall much from before the loops, but you do remember being feverishly against Changing your body. Maybe it was because it was the only piece of home that you had still intact, but that quickly changed when you got trapped. You would’ve given anything for something to be different, even if you had felt at the time that Changing was a form of controlled self-mutilation that was okay for other people to do, but not you. Never you.
But it’s been eleven years. You’re safe, and warm, and comfortable, and you’re starting to wonder if Changing might be necessary for you in order for you to stay that way.
A knock at the door draws you out of staring at yourself in the mirror, playing with the length of your hair and wondering if you’ll ever feel like you belong in your own skin.
You let Rob in with a happy smile. It seems to have had a similar idea as you, wearing the same suit from Phantom night with a dark button down instead of a turtleneck, a large coat on top of it all. “How was work today?”
“Good,” it smiles. It’s been doing that more often! “How have you been?”
“Alright. A little excited.”
Roboro grins. “Only a little?”
You just giggle in response and go get your cloak from the closet.
“Does it fit well?”
You pull it over your head with ease, zip the collar, and clasp the snaps. “I think so!”
Rob looks at it thoroughly, checking the seams and the cut.
“It’s comfortable, I promise,” you chuckle.
“Good,” it sighs. “I’m just glad it didn’t trigger you.”
You melt. “No, it’s different enough to avoid that. I really do love it. Thank you.”
A blush begins to form on their cheeks. “You already thanked me over the phone.”
“And I will keep saying ‘thank you’ until I get a ‘you’re welcome’,” you smirk.
Rob pouts. “I thought we agreed that you were the one who had a problem taking compliments.”
“And I thought we recognized that you have the exact same issue,” you snicker.
A breath of a laugh escapes it. “We’re going to be late.”
You narrow your eyes. “Way to deflect. But you’re probably right.”
That earns you a full snort. It holds out its elbow for you to hold. “Be prepared to walk.”
You bounce on your toes through your favorite heels and take it. “Lead the way.”
The winter snow from the last two months hasn’t melted off quite yet, but February brings a new weather-related challenge - sleet. Tiny pellets of ice leave you cold and wet as you trek through the start of a slushy mix of melting snow and freezing ice. You’re both soaked by the time you get to the restaurant, but your good mood remains dry and intact.
“Robert, table for two, eight-thirty?” You stand in the walkway of a tall building with large windows facing the ocean. You can see the bridge in the distance, lit by streetlamps illuminating moving carriages.
The host doesn’t even smile. “Right this way.”
You and Rob share a glance, but shrug it off before following obediently. The place is oddly empty, save for a few tables of couples scattered about. None of them look particularly enthusiastic to be there.
You’re seated in a corner one table away from having a view other than the wall next to you, your coverings hanging off of your seats. You can already see a small frown forming on Roboro’s face as it looks around from its seat.
“Give them a chance,” you whisper with a smile.
It snaps back to reality. “I will,” it whispers back. “It’s just…”
“Not what you were expecting?”
Rob glances around, visibly conflicted. “No, it’s something else. I’m probably overreacting though.” It sighs and looks at the menu. “I hope the food’s good.”
Now that you think about it, the tables with people next to them look rather empty. You take a menu too, and begin to look through it. Something that’s nice about Drew’s is that their menus have the ingredients listed with each meal, but this one doesn’t seem to have that benefit. You scan each title, hoping to recognize something that you know doesn’t have pineapple in it, but no dice. “I think I’m going to have to be that annoying person that asks a million questions about the food,” you chuckle a little awkwardly.
“Don’t worry about it. I told them about your allergy.”
You look up. That’s…that’s really sweet. “You didn’t need to do that,” you insist.
“Yes I did,” it replies with a small smile, not even looking up. “I also told them that we were a dry table, so we should be safe on all fronts.”
Your stomach swirls with guilt while your heart skips a beat. It even made sure there wouldn’t be alcohol for you to potentially consume. You feel your face heat up, and hide the bottom half with your menu. “Thank you…”
It meets your eyes, and gives you a reassuring smile. “Always.”
You could melt into a puddle.
A waiter quietly comes by with a tray and a smile. They pass you waters and-
A short glass holding one large ice cube and a questionable-looking liquid is placed in front of you. “What is…?”
You don’t even finish your sentence; you zone out to the tune of Roboro quietly doing damage control by taking the glasses and insisting they be removed from the table immediately. You come to at the feeling of his hand on yours. “Loop?”
You blink, and exhale. “What…?” You use your free palm to rub your eyes. “What happened?”
“They brought complimentary scotch to the table.” Its tone is livid, furious even, but the worry in its eyes overcomes anything in your brain thinking that it’s angry at you. “Are you here?”
You nod, feeling like a burden. “Yeah, I’m back,” you whisper, keeping your eyes to the table.
Roboro hesitantly brings your knuckles to their lips. “I’m so sorry. That never should’ve happened.”
You’re about to open your mouth to say, “it’s okay, I’m fine, we’re all good,” but it feels like a lie. And you don’t want to lie anymore, especially to Rob. “Thank you,” you manage thickly. “For handling that.”
It simply nods. A tense silence fills the space between you. You open your mouth to say something when Rob beats you to it: “Do you want to get out of here?”
A wave of dread suddenly hits you. You ruined it you ruined it you ruined it!!! Your eyes fill with tears. “…does the date have to be over?”
“Not unless you want it to be.”
You vigorously shake your head, and open your eyes to a smile that makes your knees weak.
“Okay. Drew’s?”
“Drew’s,” you smile back.
The first thing you did when you stepped outside was slip and slide on the ice, scaring the stars out of Roboro and making you laugh for the first time that night. He soon followed suit once he realized you were okay, and the two of you chatted about just how shady that restaurant was the entire walk to Drew’s. You’re soaked and shivering, but you’re smiling again.
You both split long enough to head to the bathrooms and dry your hair with paper towels before meeting up in a booth that’s directly under a vent, heating the entire diner. It’s quiet here too, but that’s probably because it’s nine-thirty and Drew's was almost always empty by eight. You pick up the menu and give a dreamy sigh. “Day-long breakfast, my love~!”
Roboro just chuckles. “Honestly, breakfast sounds so good right now.”
“Decaf coffee?”
It removes its blazer and sets it on top of its coat, unbuttoning the first few buttons of its shirt. “Agreed.”
You smile and undo some of your cardigan, letting a shoulder slide off. You roll your arms and try to relax. “…I’m sorry we had to leave.”
Rob shakes his head. “Not your fault. I didn’t like it there the minute we walked inside. I’m sorry I took you somewhere that wasn’t safe.”
You smile. “You didn’t know.”
Their shoulders drop, releasing tension that’s always been there, but you’re not sure if they’re as aware of it as you are. “…I’m still sorry.”
“It’s okay,” you reassure. You reach a hand across the table. “I’m okay.”
Rob takes and squeezes it right as the waitress comes by to pass you waters. “Hi Umeko.”
A lady with dark hair wrapped around a pen and bright, narrow eyes smiles at it. “Evening, Robert,” she says politely. Nimble hands procure a notepad and pen as she looks over at you. “I think I’ve seen you around, but I don’t think we’ve met.”
You shake your head. “I’m Luca. I’ve only been here since September.”
“That’s longer than most folks,” she giggles. “Nice to meet you! You two look like you’re freezing. Can I get you anything to warm you up?”
“Two decaf coffees please,” Rob says.
Leaving the restaurant had been an excellent call after all. Your hot drinks were delivered in minutes, you both ordered, and then you were left to warm your hands and laugh together like nothing happened.
“So,” you start quietly.
“So,” Rob pushes with a little smile.
You take a sip of your heavily-doctored decaf. “I don’t think I’ve ever been on a date before.”
It raises its eyebrows in surprise. “None to your memory, or…?”
You shake your head. “No, I didn’t date before the loops. I was always solo. I think.”
“Huh. I wanna say I went on one post-change, and then a few when I went back to my Vaugarde.”
Your gut sinks. So him and Siffrin were together. “Did anything come of it?”
He shakes his head. “I wasn’t ready.”
…or perhaps not. Maybe there was an attempt in there somewhere. “…can I ask?”
Rob meets your eyes and registers where your head is going with this. “It wasn’t Siffrin.”
You slowly nod. “Did you want to?”
It cups its hands around its mug, warming itself up while it stares down at its drink. “I was tempted, but I was too different. The crush came back a bit before the plague, but…”
Ah. “Sorry,” you try to say. “I shouldn’t have mentioned it.”
“No, no, it’s a valid concern. I did say I was afraid of replacing my family. That includes you.”
You breathe, and nod. “I don’t know if I’ve ever had anything like that,” you admit. “Like…this.”
A flush overcomes your cheeks when you notice a twinkle in its eye and the smallest smirk growing on its lips. “And what would that be?”
The heat growing on your face makes you stutter. “I-I don’t know! We haven’t really talked about it.”
Rob hums. “Well. I’ve liked you for awhile. The timing was just off.”
You nod in agreement. “We’ve had a lot going on.”
It visibly ponders for a moment. “I don’t know if I want to jump straight into partner territory.”
Your heart aches. You didn’t realize just how much you do want that. “I don’t think rushing into anything is a good idea,” you say cautiously, sipping your coffee, “but…”
Rob looks up. “But?”
You sigh. “I don’t know. I mean, I know what I want, but I don’t want to mess this up.”
They give you a smile that makes you melt on the spot, and hold out their hands for you to take. “What do you want, then?”
You oblige. Rob’s palms warm yours up, its thumb stroking your knuckles. “Dating feels too little. We’ve only known each other since September, but we already do things that some couples take months to do. But it feels too much to put a label on it since we’re just now figuring this out.”
It seems to nod in understanding. “I think I get that. What about…something in between?”
You cock your head.
“More than dating, but not partners yet.”
Yet!!! Your heart bounces off of your rib cage. You feel giddy. “Something like that.”
Roboro’s shoulders relax as it smiles a little wider. “Okay then. Almost-partners.”
You grin. "Almost-partners," you agree.
The rest of the night was perfect. Breakfast for dinner was comforting, the conversation flowed until your voice went hoarse, and the walk back to your house was cold but thankfully dry. You stay glued to the hook of Roboro’s elbow as you both chatter all the way home.
You stop at your front door, the porch light still on just as you left it. “Thank you,” you say with a sore throat. “Tonight was fun.”
Rob’s been smiling for the past hour. “It was. Started rough, but we got there.”
You recall how you first met. “Sounds familiar,” you giggle. Rob snickers along. “…you need to go to bed.”
“I do,” it sighs. “I won’t see you Monday, but I could stop by after your shift on Wednesday? Maybe walk you home?”
Your heart flutters. “I’d like that.” You want to kiss him so badly, but it’s too soon, and the thought of a repeat of what Stardust did to Isabeau makes your stomach curl. So, recalling your last sleepover in the other house, you take Rob’s hand and carefully part the fabric to place your lips on his pulse.
Roboro, to your utter delight, very quietly squeaks.
You look up to been its gaze. You can feel your star pounding in your chest. “See you Wednesday?”
Its cheeks visibly go ablaze. “Y-Yep. G’night, Loop.”
You decide to spare it from further humiliation and let its hand down. “Goodnight, Roboro.”
It tries - and fails - to hide an involuntary smile. You’re about to turn to go inside when Rob gently takes your shoulder. “C-Can I…um…”
Oh, he’s so cute when he gets all flustered like this. You smirk, and hold up your hand. “Like this?”
Its smile only grows as it takes your wrist and replicates your kiss. Your thighs shake when a rush of heat hits your lower gut. It lingers there for a moment before letting you go. “…goodnight,” it repeats.
Your face feels as hot as Roboro’s cheeks look. You don’t want it to go. “Gnight,” you grin.
You watch Rob walk down the steps and head towards the town, a bounce in their pace that you don’t think you’ve seen before, before they start to jog. They look as giddy as you feel.
Stepping inside your home, and try to breathe.
You can’t stop smiling as you get ready for bed.
You’re obnoxious, really. Singing songs in the shower and humming to yourself as you brush out your hair makes you feel like you’re in a dream. You float to your closet and pull your nightgown on, kiss all of your cats goodnight whether they like it or not, and turn out the lights in your room, save for a standing lamp in the corner. You thought you’d be too excited to sleep, but your combined meds and the late night overcomes you quickly.
You’re not sure when you found yourself sitting up in bed.
Roboro’s at the doorway, only wearing a pair of pajama pants, with a hunger in its eyes and something in its hand. “Are you sure you want this?”
Your vision moves to nod enthusiastically, like you’re seeing through the eyes of a doll. Are you dreaming?
His smile feels real. Rob sets a small bottle of oil on the side table and uses the dropper to coat his hands. “Where should I start?”
“Shoulders,” you say automatically.
Rob doesn’t hesitate to silently direct you to stand up and sit on his lap. The movement of its fingers easing the aches of your shoulders turns your body into jello.
You close your eyes. A quiet moan escapes you against your better judgment. You hear it chuckle in your hair.
“Enjoying yourself?”
You’re about to respond when you gasp at the feeling of it kissing your neck.
“Tell me when to stop.”
You don’t think you will, actually~!
Rob’s fingers pause to unbutton your nightgown enough to reveal your breasts. You shudder and arch into its touch as it massages them gently, its thumbs circling your nipples. An actual moan echos throughout the room when Rob sinks its teeth into your neck. You can feel it getting hard beneath you.
You want them. You want them so badly that your core pulses and your thighs are rubbing together and Roboro’s fingers are traveling downwards to give you some release and-
You bolt awake.
It’s cold. Stars, it’s cold!!! You whip the sheets off of you and rush downstairs to turn on the heat. You check on the cats, still half-asleep, and find them bundled up with each other in a furry pile by the vent on the floor. Jupiter audibly purrs when she hears the heater click on. You frown, and kiss each one of them in apology.
And then you assess what the hell just happened.
You can’t recall ever having a wet dream, at least not one that intense. You go back upstairs - oh your legs are shaking, that’s embarrassing~! - and crawl into your now-cold bed.
…you feel conflicted.
On one hand, you should feel disgusting, callous, manipulative. You should be writhing in agony about how you’re tricking Roboro into a relationship, but that’s just not true. Your brain can’t convince you that you’re unwanted. You don’t think that you’ve never felt more wanted.
You close your eyes, think about the dream you were having, and slowly lift up your skirt.
You’ve never been interested in sex, never had a high libido, never masturbated regularly. When was the last time you did? It’s been…oh, Universe, was it before the loops?
It must’ve been, because when you reach down to touch yourself, you find that your folds are soaked. You feel gross for just a second before reminding yourself that it’s natural, trying to focus back in on your dream. Roboro’s hands groping you felt so warm, so real, so grounding. How would you change it up? Would you want to?
Yes, you decide. You’d want to get up and straddle it properly and kiss it so hard that your teeth clacked. You gasp at the feeling of your wet fingers stroking your…what was it called? Ah, that’s right, your clitoris. Sometimes touching it feels like nothing, but that isn’t what’s happening tonight. Little gasps are involuntarily breaking free through your breath. They turn into whimpers when you find a rhythm, imagining how you’d grab Rob’s hair at the base of its scalp and pull, the sounds it would make underneath you, how its length would feel through its boxers. Stars, you want to kiss it until you can’t breathe. You want to leave hickeys all over its neck and feel its cock in your hands and guide Roboro's release and stars stars stars blinding shooting stars-
Despite the build-up, your orgasm doesn’t overwhelm you in the slightest. It’s relaxing and gentle and makes your back arch only a little. You feel a little gross, but you brush it off as you take a minute to breathe and bask in the afterglow. Endorphins wash over you in a wave.
You smile to yourself at the thought of the aftermath; maybe Rob would brush your hair, or cuddle you close, or bring you down to the kitchen to make you something sweet. It’s somehow more appealing than the act itself.
It starts to click that that you just masturbated to your almost-partner.
Your self-deprecating brain is furious. You, however, feel like you’ve had a victory, because you don’t feel disgusting, or manipulative, or guilty. You just feel happy. Normal. Alive.
You can’t believe that you could’ve been feeling like this a long time ago should you have chosen to pick a spot and settle down sooner, but then you wouldn’t have met Rob. And you can neither blame yourself for the things that you didn’t know about, nor can you regret how you’ve handled things since coming here. Well, you can regret a couple of things. As a treat.
You clean yourself up before exhaustion takes over once more, and you crawl back into bed to sleep through the rest of the night, a smile on your face.
Chapter 23
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
You wish you could say that you managed to get through your weekend without being totally obnoxious to your cats, but you’d be lying your ass off.
You spend your days transferring everything from your old calendar to your new one while learning how to maintain your new home, all while you sang and danced with your kittens to the songs playing in your head. The empty rooms were easy enough; a simple sweep and dust would do for them, but the living spaces, on the other hand, were much bigger than you were used to. Cleaning the house took a whole day. Maybe you could dedicate your Fridays to home maintenance.
Living here has made you realize that, even though you have to be at work at eight instead of nine, you don’t have to get up quite as early. Patty’s Pages is less than a five minute walk, so you keep your habit of enjoying the morning slowly by setting your alarm back by thirty minutes. You have a cup of tea and a full breakfast while getting ready for work, and you still make it in on time.
Patricia shows you several opening procedures that morning of which you are unfamiliar with, and a few that you’ve seen her do before. You clean windows and count the till and track numbers from the day before. You’re sorting through the new arrivals when James walks in with your weekly treats and a smug smirk.
“Soooo,” he teases. “How was Friday?”
“It was good,” you snort. You look through the bag. “What’s for today?”
“Pain au chocolat,” James says in a dramatic accent. “With a croissant for Miss Patricia. Robert said it was your favorite.”
Your blush is involuntary. “Thank him for me?”
“I will. But seriously, how did it go? Robert won’t tell us anything!”
You smile at the pastry that you know Rob very deliberately picked out for you. It’s still warm. You feel giddy all over again. “We tried going to a nicer restaurant on the edge of town, but that was a bust, so we just went to Drew’s. Had breakfast for dinner. We had a good time.” You take one of the lattes and…oh. Rob drew a little heart on the lid next to the letter L. Your stomach flutters. “We talked a lot. It was nice.”
You look up to see James leaning on a hand with a sparkle in his eyes and a grin on his face. “Good! I’m glad you guys had fun.”
“We did,” you smile back. “Has work been busy?”
“Oh, yeah,” he chuckles. “Apparently word spread in Skrivenshore that we have house-made croissants. They’re our best seller at the moment.”
You wonder if the bakery currently smells like the boulangerie did in Vaugarde, and hope that Roboro is used to it by now. “That’s good news!”
“It is, but I’m tiiiired,” James wines, head on the countertop. “It’s barely nine thirty and I already want to go to bed.”
You snort. “You’re gonna screw up your circadian rhythm if you do that.”
He looks up at you with a huff and a pout. “You sound like Robert.”
And all that does is make you giggle.
Looking at your calendar, you notice that you’re missing several dates. You have your birthday down, but what about the others?
You write to Taeko very quickly, saying hi from your new address, asking when her birthday is so you could write it down, before sticking it in your mailbox. You give Mirabelle a quick call too, finding her thankfully still staying at the same hostel. You chat for an hour or so and catch up while you make dinner. You write down her birthday, coordinate the shopping trip you wanted to do in two weeks time, and hang up after several good-byes.
Roboro’s number is engraved into your brain at this point; you dial it as you saute mushrooms in butter and cream. “Hey Rob, it’s Loop.”
Something hoarse and raspy hits your eardrums and sets off alarm bells in your brain. “Hey buddy,” Rob sniffles.
“Shit, you sound like hell.”
Chuckles followed by coughing hits the receiver. “It’s just a cold.”
“Are you sure? I know how you get when it comes to illnesses.”
“Positive. I’ll probably just sleep it off before I work tomorrow.”
“Isn’t the bakery closed?”
“We’ve been too swamped to keep up with orders. I’m going in to prep the butter slabs and measure some ingredients before Thursday.”
Butter slabs? Like the frozen ones that need to be molded in advance? Isn’t that super labor intensive??? Anxiety runs you over like a carriage. “Roboro, you cannot sit there and tell me that it isn’t a big deal that you’re sick when you literally got my boss involved in your panic attack over the flu. Don’t you dare think I won’t call Clyde and snitch.”
But Rob just giggles. “You sound so serious. The symptoms aren’t the same. I’m fine Loop.”
“Yeah, I said that too, and then I slept for a full day.”
You hear it sigh. “Look, I won’t overwork myself, okay?”
“Croissants are a full body workout. I don’t know much about baking, but I do know that.”
They’re quiet for a moment. “I don’t want the others to have to carry my work,” they admit.
“They’ll understand,” you reassure. “Especially since it’s a food environment.”
You hear Roboro cough on the other end. “Okay,” it caves. “I’ll call Clyde after we hang up.”
“Good,” you smile. “Now, onto why I actually called you. When’s your birthday again?”
The forest doesn’t feel as cold today when you walk over to Roboro’s apartment. Maybe it’s the shift in weather, but there’s still an unfamiliar element of peace to it. The woods told you awhile ago that the Beast “shrinks and grows”, so maybe it just hasn’t grown yet. You and Rob should collaborate on theories when it gets better.
You “knock” on the apartment door with your foot, your hands full of leftover dinner packaged in a glass baking tray and cold meds from when you were sick. Rob answers it with- hoo boy it looks like garbage, but you refuse to say that out loud. “Hey Lu,” it breathes through a very stuffed nose.
…okay, nevermind, it deserves a little honesty. “Lord above, Rob, you look like hell too.” You step inside. “I have no idea what made you think you could work tomorrow.”
He closes the door behind you with a chuckle. “I didn’t know how you thought you could work when you were sick,” he counters. “How are you?”
“I’m good,” you smile. You set everything down in the kitchen and greet Moose and Callisto with enthusiasm. “How are the furry babies getting along?”
“They’re great,” it chuckles. It sits down on the couch and watches you cradle Callisto like a baby with a grin. “Moose is very careful with her. They’ll sit in my room and watch the weather together by the window.”
“Aww,” you coo down at her, sitting by Roboro. “Did you make a friend?”
“They get along really well.” Rob reaches over and scratches her belly with a finger. “She’s still so little.”
You grin and smooch her baby head before passing her off to her new parent. “She was the runt.”
It scoops her up and covers her in kisses. “She’s perfect.”
You giggle and lean on Rob’s shoulder, using a finger to stroke her ears. “How have you been feeling?”
It sets its head on yours. It’s warmer than usual. “Better now.”
You smile. “I brought you dinner.”
“That’s sweet of you,” it says softly, followed by a kiss on your head.
Heat fills your cheeks. “I try,” you smile. “I also brought you my cold meds, just in case you needed any.”
It hums in your hair. “You’re the best.” You feel another kiss.
You don’t recall it ever being quite this lovey towards you. “Appreciative, aren’t we?”
“…sorry,” it mumbles.
“No, no, no,” you giggle. “I’m just teasing you. I’m sorry.”
It nods. It’s growing heavy on you, still keeping Callisto cradled like a baby. “I don’t feel good.”
“I can tell. Are you hungry at all?”
“Mm mm,” it grunts.
“Did you call Clyde?”
“Mhm.”
“Then go to bed, dear,” you giggle.
It pauses for a moment, then lifts its head up to look down at you with a goofy smile. “‘Dear’?”
Your eyes go wide as you feel your cheeks suddenly burn up. “I-I can call you something else-”
Rob shakes their head with a chuckle before suddenly turning away to cough into their arm. They’re still smiling when they come back to you. “I like it.”
You sigh with relief. “…you should go to bed.”
“Will you still be here when I wake up?”
“Do you want me to be?”
Roboro nods and gives you another kiss on the head, smiling when you giggle in response.
“Okay. I’ll be on the couch, alright?”
It lifts back up to give you a visible frown. “No cuddles?”
You just laugh. “If you don’t have face masks to prevent me from getting sick, then no dice buddy.”
Rob huffs, passes over a relaxed and spoiled Callisto over to you, and gets up to retrieve a pair of face masks from a random drawer. It puts one on at a distance before giving you the other.
You recall the morning you woke up in each others arms as you put it on. “I’m gonna stay up a bit longer, okay?”
It nods. “Getting up at the same time?”
You shake your head. “I added an hour to my work schedule. Can you set it for six thirty?”
It’s been about two hours of you cleaning and nervously pacing around the apartment while Roboro snores in his bed.
What is wrong with you? You’re so used to the place feeling off that you can normally gauge how Rob’s feeling through the air, but it’s gone so suddenly that you didn’t realize how it gave you a sense of security. You’re taking deep breaths and shaking your hands and very, very gently pulling at your scalp, but nothing is working.
“Loop?”
You spin around. Rob’s standing in its doorway with its mask on and a worried look in its eye. “Yes?”
It visibly inhales and shuffles over to you. It takes your wrist and attempts to kiss your skin through its mask. “Come to bed with me.”
You feel your cheeks grow hot at the wording. “O-Okay.” You put your mask back on, and let it lead you to its room.
Even with medicine in its system, Roboro is sweating like a sinner in church.
You’ve compromised to hold its hand while you both lay in bed, its other combing through your bangs. “So. What’s on your mind?”
You blink. “Hm?”
You can see its cheeks rise into a smile behind its mask. “You haven’t stopped moving since you got here. And that tells me it’s a high anxiety day for you.”
“…I thought I heard you snoring.”
“I slept on and off.” Its hand cups your cheek, a thumb grazing the flesh barely uncovered by your mask. “What’s going on, sweetheart?”
Oh, there’s that pet name that always makes you weak in the knees. You use your free hand to hold theirs in place. “You’re right about the anxiety. I just feel out of control.”
“How come?”
You inhale. “I’m used to your place feeling…off. But the woods has been quiet.”
“Like the deity?”
“No, like the Beast.”
They blink. “That…” Rob’s eyes narrow. “Quiet how?”
“Well, according to the woods, it shrinks and grows again.”
You watch the wheels turn in its head in real time. “That’s unusual. Normally it sticks pretty close to this area. Couldn’t tell you why. When did it start?”
You ponder for a moment. “Sometime before I moved into the new house. I think.”
“So you’re anxious because you’re waiting for the other shoe to drop?”
You shake your head. “…remember awhile ago when I told you I can’t read people very well?”
“You’re more perceptive than you think you are, but yes.”
You smile and roll your eyes. “Whenever the Beast was nearby your place, I always knew because…it…” It suddenly hits you that telling Rob this could land you in some trouble, but you’re in too deep now. “It emphasizes your negative emotions, I think.”
A long pause doesn’t help your anxiety. “Huh. So that’s how you knew.”
You raise an eyebrow. “Knew what?”
“That I needed help.”
You blink. “…that wasn't exactly my first clue, but sure. We’ll go with that.”
Roboro’s laughter quickly turns into coughing. “Ugh. How did it work on your end?”
Your smile falls. “Your emotions would fill the room. Literally.”
“So you could feel what I was feeling?”
“Everyone could feel what you were feeling. I confirmed it at Yule.”
It’s Rob’s turn to go wide-eyed. “Oh. That’s…” It looks away. “Oh.”
“Yeah.”
“A-And that’s why the intervention happened.”
“Partially.”
Rob’s quiet for awhile, making you more and more nervous by the second. “…I think I owe everyone an apology.”
You snort. “It wasn’t your fault. You didn’t know about it. I’m just glad it wasn’t just me going crazy.”
His eyes narrow. “How long has this been going on for?”
Uh oh. Here’s where the dangerous territory comes in. “Since we met? It’s only in your apartment, though. It doesn’t happen anywhere else.”
He nods a little before reaching over to kiss your forehead through his mask. “…Loop?”
You relax and close your eyes. “Hm?”
“Did you think I’d be mad at you for this?”
You sharply inhale. “A little.”
“Why?”
“I felt like I was cheating,” you admit. “I never bothered asking what was wrong. I just felt what you felt, and tried to make you feel better if I could.”
“I wouldn’t have answered honestly.” Another kiss. Stars, you want it to kiss you for real so badly. “You did the best you could.”
You sigh. “I’m still sorry. I should’ve told you.”
“That…might’ve just made it worse,” it chuckles sadly. “Seriously. You did good. Thank you for telling me now.”
You take the hand on your face and bring its wrist to your lips through your mask, trying to convince yourself that you did the right thing. “You’re welcome, dear.”
Roboro recovered slower than you did when you were sick, returning to work on Friday instead of Thursday. You were convinced the entire time that something would give, or snap, or break, but no. Rob didn’t have any anxiety for its well-being while sick. You thought it was a little strange, but maybe that’s less of a conversation for you and more one for its therapist.
The next week is filled with books and numbers and Universe above you are sure your brain is sludge by the time Friday comes around again. You’re surprised you have the energy to clean your house, but your excitement must be overcoming it. You both rescheduled your at-home dinner date for tonight, thankful that it’s hopefully the last week of winter. The snow is almost gone, replaced by hard rain to melt it away.
You let Roboro in with a smile and a towel. “Thank you,” it breathes, shivering. “I brought ingredients.”
“Yay!” You take the bags and let it have a moment in the hall to dry off, setting everything out on the counter. “Whatchya makin’?”
“Onion soup.”
You start digging through the totes; something very large sits at the bottom with a few vinyl sleeves on top of it. “…did you bring your record player over here?”
“I did! ” You listen to the closet door open and close, probably to hang up its hoodie.
You pick out the onions and pull out a cutting board with a knife-
“Don’t start cooking without me!”
Its tone is playful, but your nerves make you throw your hands up and back away. “I’m not!”
Roboro just chuckles, and comes over to take your palms and kiss your knuckles. “I missed you.”
A part of you knows that it’s barely been a week and a half since you saw each other in person, but the other part doesn’t feel like you’re home unless you’re in the same building together. You feel lightheaded. “I missed you too,” you giggle. “Are you feeling better?”
“Much, thank you.”
Their smile lights you up, your dimming disguise literally falling off and fading away with your skin. “Do you want me to help or just leave you to it?”
Rob starts to set up the player in the corner away from any water or food. You watch its hair unravel into leaves. “Could help me chop the onions?”
“Always,” you smile. You resume your station and get out a pot. “Do you need Bonnie’s recipe book?”
“I do. How’s it serving you?”
“Very well,” you smile, chopping an onion in half before peeling the layers. “Thank you for letting me borrow it.”
“Of course! I figured you’d enjoy it more than I have.”
“When’s the last time you used it?”
A heavy silence stills the room, followed by the sound of one of the records being put on. A piano playing a relaxing melody doesn’t help the tension you feel. “I don’t think I ever have. Not since they were…”
Oh, dear. You wipe your hands clean and retrieve the book from one of the many drawers. “Well. I’m flattered you let me borrow it at all.”
A very loud pause fills the kitchen. “Touch.” You feel Roboro’s lips from behind on the top of your head. “I knew you’d take good care of it.”
You smile, and pretend your eyes are watering from the onions.
Watching Roboro put together dinner was fascinating from your seat on the kitchen counter.
Even though it’s never cooked in this kitchen before, it still seems to know exactly where to look for what it needs tool-wise. It chops the rest of the onions and adds beef broth and alcohol-free sherry. “Okay,” it finally says. “And that simmers for…” Rob checks Bonnie’s recipe. “Thirty minutes.”
You wind the kitchen timer. “What should we do until then?”
It approaches you and holds out its hands to help you get down. It’s still smiling at you, but its eyes look nervous. “Can we dance?”
Your star flickers. “Always!”
Rob’s grinning by the time he puts on something a little more upbeat for the two of you to swing to, and swing you do! You get spun to the point of being dizzy, and try - and hilariously fail - to spin Roboro. It becomes even more entertaining when the animals get involved out of curiosity and you dance with Jupiter, much to Roboro’s delight. You laugh more than you breathe.
You’re both leaning on each other, slowing down and gently rocking to the rhythm, when the timer goes off. “That,” you pant, “was very fun.”
It chuckles in your hair and hugs you close. “Thank you for indulging me.”
“Mhm,” you manage in its chest, nuzzling into its star. You can hear bassy strings being quickly plucked. “…what do you need to do again?”
“Put the soup in a oven-safe bowl, and do bread and cheese from there.”
“Mkay.” You indulge in a quick kiss on its chest and break away to find what it’s looking for, smiling at the sound of a squeak in response. You find a glass baking bowl, probably meant for shepherds pie, and turn to meet Rob’s gaze. “Will this work?”
…you might’ve done more damage than expected, because Roboro’s face is dark. “Y-Yep.”
You have to hold back your laughter. “Did I do something-”
“Nonono, you’re totally fine! Just…” Rob huffs and takes the dish. “This will do. Thank you.”
It takes you a good five seconds to realize exactly what just happened as you watch them mess with the oven. Did you turn them on somehow? Just by kissing their chest??? You should avoid doing that in the future. Unless you want to turn them on, of course~! You can give the mischievous corner in your brain a dose of fun sometimes.
Rob ladles soup into the baking dish and tops it all with stale bread and cheese. “Just swiss okay?”
“Yeah,” you reply as you try not to smile. “Do you want tea?”
It puts the bowl in the oven, closes the door, and exhales. “Tea would be nice.”
Dinner is broiled and cooled by the time the tea is brewed. You both sit on the couch with your bowls of delicious soup and your mugs of chamomile, eating to the tune of the record player still in the kitchen and the playful meows coming the kittens trying to eat your toes. You’d love to chat some more, but you’re wiped from all that dancing.
Your anxiety is screaming at you that you did something wrong, that you pissed it off by crossing a line, but Roboro is sitting calmly in front of you while it sips its tea. It’s not even giving you the normal grumpy expression you’re so used to seeing; it’s actually smiling quite comfortably, like how Isabeau used to when he was surrounded by your fellow family members. You don’t think it smiles like this with anyone else either.
Rob taps its toe against yours. “Whatchya thinkin’ about?”
You smile. “Stuff and things.”
“Anything good?”
“Just…” You sigh. “Trying to fight my brain.”
He cocks his head.
“It’s been running in circles all week,” you admit. “I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”
“Have you talked to the therapist about it?”
You shake your head. “We’ve been covering other stuff.”
It nods solemnly. “Would you be open to taking medicine?”
You hesitate, then shrug. “Couldn’t hurt.” You already feel like you’re a crazy, disgusting monster, even if evidence very loudly points to that being not true. It can’t get much worse, can it? “Jian doesn’t think I have anxiety though.”
Roboro slowly raises an eyebrow, earning it a laugh out of you.
“I mean, not traditional anxiety. We have to narrow it down first.”
It chuckles. “Fair point. But if you do go down that path, do me a favor?”
“Sure.”
“Tell me. I don’t need details, but tell me when you start taking it.”
It’s your turn to look confused. You take a bite of soup, scraping the bottom of the bowl. “M’kay. Why?”
“So I can be there for you.” Roboro looks down at its half-full mug. “You fought for me to get help, even if you thought I’d hate you for it. And the wrong medicine can really mess you up if it isn’t right for you. I want to make sure you’re safe.”
…ah. So it’s just repaying the favor.
“And I’m not ‘repaying a favor’, or whatever bullfuckery your brain is probably telling you,” it says with a smile.
Oh for the love of- “How do you do that!?”
Roboro almost snorts the remainder of its soup, coughing on an onion. “I’ll never tell.”
“UGH.”
It nearly chokes on its own laughter. “But seriously,” it manages after calming down. “I care about you. And I know you care about me. We’re equals, and I’m making sure that you know that we’re equals. I just want to be here for you like you are for me.” It sets down its empty bowl on the coffee table and holds out a hand. “Okay?”
Well, you just can't argue with that can you? Your chest feels warm. So does the smile on your lips when you take its knuckles to connect them. “Okay.”
Cuddling close under your covers after changing into pajamas felt like coming home from a long trip. Would you ever travel again, around this world? Maybe not for long, but a quick ride outside of Skrivenshore someday couldn’t hurt. You know you’d want to take Roboro with you.
“Loop?”
“Hm?”
“Can I…try something?”
Oh please please please just kiss me already- “Sure.”
Rob works around you and ends up with its head on your chest. Your star flickers in its face. “How’s this?”
Your face is on fire, but otherwise? “Good.” You gently stroke the soft petals that make up the fluff of its hair. The cats join the both of you soon enough, Jupiter nuzzling your face and grooming your growing bangs. You need a haircut. Maybe you could ask Patricia if she knows a good hair stylist. “What does it sound like?”
Roboro’s eyes have already fluttered closed. “Like church,” he whispers. “An organ, specifically. What about mine?”
You smile. “It’s hard to describe. Yours sounds like a lute with deeper notes.”
“A theorbo.”
“Hm?”
You feel it smile against your nightgown. “It’s a theorbo. I have one. I haven’t played in forever though.”
“You play instruments?”
“Only that one. I learned a bit of guitar when I was younger, bit of piano. One of my sisters wanted to be a musician and she’d let me play with her older instruments. Did you ever play anything?”
You stroke its fluff and try to think. “I don’t know,” you admit. “And I don’t think I ever had the patience to learn as a kid.”
It chuckles to itself. “Sorry. I’m just picturing baby Loop being forced to play a church organ.”
You giggle along at the thought. “I don’t think I’d sit still for long enough to learn.”
“I don’t think so either.” It turns its head, and-
You gasp a little at the feeling of Roboro’s lips against your star, a thin layer of fabric the only thing separating the two. Oh, that is sensitive~! Your thighs automatically clench. “W-What was that for?”
“Revenge,” they say sweetly.
You can feel your ears grow hot. “Sorry,” you mutter. “I didn’t know.”
“S’okay,” Rob mumbles back with a cheeky grin. “I’m just messing with you.”
You smile, and thread your fingers through its leaves. “You look tired.”
“Mhm.” Roboro’s arms curl tighter around you. “…your star sounds really pretty.” It flickers to the beat of your fluttering heart, earning you another smile against your chest.
You wake up to the sound of the heat clicking off and a loud purring in your ear.
You wince at the sight of the time. It’s early, almost early enough to go back to sleep, but Roboro stirring on your chest takes your attention instead. It lifts its chin up to prop it against your star and gives a great yawn, one of which you copy. “G’mornin’ sweets,” it mumbles with a smile that makes you weak.
“Good morning dear,” you whisper. You stroke its petals and think about how much you’re going to miss it today while it’s at work. “…does our date have to be over yet?”
Rob grins. “What’re you thinking?”
“Breakfast at Drew’s?”
“How early is it?”
“Four thirty…?”
They groan and flop their head dramatically onto your chest. “Good fucking Lord.”
“It’s enough time for us to wake up with some coffee.”
Roboro nuzzles into your chest, its fluff tickling your bare skin. “…coffee sounds good.”
“And stuffed eggy toast.”
You feel a grin. “And hashbrowns, and sausage.”
You wipe away a bit of drool. “Shit, now I’m getting hungry.”
Its shoulders shake from quiet laughter. “…this involves me getting up, doesn’t it.”
“Yup.”
Drew’s at nearly five in the morning was somehow open and gloriously empty.
You both picked a booth where you could lean against each other and watch the sun rise, warm coffees in hand. “This was a good idea,” Rob whispers.
“Yeah?”
“Yeah.”
And the best part of it all? Neither one of you talk.
You don’t pressure Rob into a continuous conversation pre-caffeine, and Roboro seems perfectly content to hold you close and stroke your long hair in the quiet. The waiters don’t talk much either, just giving you polite and tired smiles before serving your food up.
You used to have this idea that a relationship meant that you had to open up all the time, that you had to tell each other every single dirty secret about yourself so you could weed the other out, but whatever this is feels…better. Right. Something where you open up on your own time, on your own terms, unless absolutely necessary. There’s no judgment either. You got syrup in your hair by accident and all Rob did was dip its napkin in its water to pass over with a chuckle and a smile, and it spilled most of of the dregs of its coffee on the table in the process; all you both could do was clean up and laugh over it. You people-watched while you ate, observing the town waking up slower than you two are.
You glance at the clock on the wall. “It’s almost time to go,” you whisper sadly.
“I know,” he whispers back. “…I don’t want to leave yet.”
“Me neither,” you admit, even though your plates are clean and your mugs are dry. “You have to work though. And you gotta check on the fur babies at home.”
“I do,” it mumbles. “I'll probably go in on one of my days off this upcoming week to make up for my sick day.”
Does it not have sick pay? “Are things that tight at home?”
“No.” Rob gives you reassuring smile. “Just saving up for stuff.”
You smile back. “Stuff and things?”
“Stuff and things indeed.”
The rain from last night has been replaced by a thick fog that sunlight seeps through, warming your damp skin.
The two of you take your time walking back to your house. It’s just chilly enough for your cloak to be appropriate for the weather, but maybe you need a pair of good gloves. Not the same ones as before, of course. You’re picturing leather and decorative buttons verses the wristless gloves you used to have. You have no idea how you tolerated those things, to be honest. They could get quite annoying whenever your hands swelled.
You hold Rob’s arm, and think about the future for a moment. Would you want it to move in with you after a year or so? Maybe after the next winter falls and melts, so the weather isn’t an issue? Maybe you’re getting ahead of yourself, but you’re excited! You feel safe and content and happy! All you can do is hope that Rob feels the same.
Roboro leads you by hand up the stairs of your porch and softly kisses the inside of your wrist. “…can I come by again after work? To pick up the record player.”
“Of course,” you smile, your stomach swirling with butterflies.
“Any fun plans?”
You feel its attentive eyes follow your lips as they repay the favor; the hitch of its breath is a sound you want to remember for the rest of your life. “I think I’ll look through Bonnie’s cookbook some more. See if I can’t find anything fun for this week’s meal plan. You can take that back too if you want.”
It nods. “I’ll let you finish using it first.”
You can’t stop smiling. Your heart aches at the thought of it leaving. “I’ll see you later?”
Rob smiles back. “You will.” They squeeze your hand, give a quick kiss to your knuckles, and let go to head off to work.
You watch it trot off with its hands in its pockets. You have no idea how it’s warm enough when its sleeves are rolled, but…oh, wait. Rob pauses its stroll and turns its head to the side. Why did it stop walking? Did it forget something? It must’ve, because you’re watching it turn around and head straight for your porch again.
You cock your head. “Leave something behind?”
Roboro uses the railing to pivot towards you. “Nope, just missed.” And-
…you stop breathing.
Rob’s hands cradle your face like you’re the most delicate, precious thing in the world. His lips are cold and chapped against yours.
Your heart is going a million kilometers per second, and yet you find the strength to grip the collar of his hoodie and keep him close. You have no idea how to kiss someone, much less someone you like, but you start slow and let Roboro lead. The way he’s holding you is making your knees shake, which is especially dangerous considering you’re on your tip-toes in your heels.
You don’t realize that you’re almost gasping for air when Rob breaks off to breathe. It leans its forehead on yours, and looks into your eyes. “I’m sorry,” it manages. “I should’ve asked.”
You can’t help the grin spreading across your face. “I don’t think you have to ask to kiss me.”
Their smile rivals your own. “…can I do it again?”
You swoon, giggling as you pull it back in for another. It’s romantic and sweet and a little sloppy. You pull away just a little to catch your breath. “Do you have to go?”
It groans a little. “Yeaaaah.” Rob gives you one last kiss, a peck that only lasts for a second, but it’s just as wonderful. “I’ll make it up to you later?”
You take one of its hands from your cheek and kiss its palm. “Promise?”
“Promise.”
You sigh dramatically. “…okay. I’ll be here.”
Roboro kisses your forehead. “I’ll be back.”
Watching it walk away makes you ache, but the star inside of your chest is singing. You wait until it runs off past the light at the edge of town before stepping inside your house to lean against your closed door, and feel your heart beat against your palm.
It kissed you.
It finally kissed you.
You let the thought loop endlessly in your mind, and grin.
End of Act One
Notes:
So the entire time I've been writing this, I've been picturing Isa, Sif, and Odile watching this like a soap opera with drinks and a charcuterie board and everything, and this is the chapter that makes them stand and cheer in my head lmao
I'm gonna be taking a small break to write and draw some chapters in advance like before so we can really start to get this ball rolling (and I'm starting a new job, wish me luck!!). So it'll be a little bit before the next update, but I'm shooting for about two weeks from now.
In the meantime, I'm gonna go hyperfixate on Deltarune and paint lmao see you guys later!
Chapter 24: Act Two
Notes:
I'm baaaack :) Look at me taking almost three months to breathe like a responsible adult!
TW: body dysphoria (please tell me if I get any of the Therapy Talk wrong, I'm basing what Loop's going through on my own experiences with gender)
Chapter Text
Roboro,
It’s been a few days since you kissed me, and several hours since I last saw you at work. You came back last week and nearly swept me off my feet with several kisses that would’ve made the old me cringe. It’s been years since we’ve both done that sort of thing, hasn’t it? I’m feeling things that I don’t think I’ve ever felt.
Is this normal? This has to be normal, right? The longing to hold you, waiting to see you again, wanting so much more than we already have? That makes me greedy, doesn’t it? But still, part of me hopes that it’s something that you want too. I am currently ignoring the very-annoying libido that’s waking up after several years of dormancy. I never thought that would be something I’d want one day. I still don’t know if I actually want it or if it’s just my body reacting, but I’d like to try. If you want to! I’d never force you into something like that!
Anyways. It’s your birthday next week. Mira and I have plans to find something for you tomorrow. Also I still love you. You still give me butterflies every time I think about you which is an embarrassing amount but I really don’t care at this point.
XOXO, Loop
You’re discovering that the mornings in March are more quiet than you thought they’d be. You expected the birds to start coming out around this time of year, but Amonwood isn’t anywhere near the equator like Vaugarde is. It’s starting to warm up a little in the afternoons, but there’s still a layer of clouds and rain that the sun has to fight through on a regular basis. Patricia mentioned that it doesn’t really start to get warm again until May at the very least, which would be fine if you had your old cloak. Your new one keeps you dry, thankfully, but you have to use an umbrella all the time.
Skrivenshore is a different story.
It isn’t that much warmer, but there’s not a drop of rain in sight. You’re able to leave your umbrella to dry in Mirabelle’s corner of the hostel as you walk around, enjoying hot coffees and window shopping until you get to a line of stores that hold what you’re looking for: presents for Roboro, new underwear, and a guide on how the hell you’re going to plan a birthday party in the middle of the week. You don’t like the idea of bra shopping in the slightest, but right now it’s a necessary evil.
“Do you know what size you are?”
You shake your head, looking through the clearance rack of the plainest bras you can find. “I’ve never had to wear them.”
“Lucky,” Mira snickers. “We can ask someone here for help if need be.”
Your blood runs cold. “C-Can’t we just measure ourselves?”
“I mean, we could try?” Mirabelle scans the rack next to you and picks out something with florals and a little decorative flower pin at the center. “I don’t think I know how to do it...though…” Her voice fades when she looks up at you. “Wow, you really don’t like the idea of someone measuring you, huh?”
You shake your head. “Can I just…measure with my shirt on?”
“We could try!”
And that’s what you end up doing, thanking every star in the Universe during the process of it.
The store clerk who measures you through a darkless, loose shirt you wore at Mira’s request - something about making sure you couldn’t see the bra from underneath - is kind, quiet, and efficient at their job. They bring you a few different sizes, some in your “skin tone” and some in a lightless shade.
When it comes to actually trying them on, you decide you’d do it yourself. You figure out how to do so quickly, but none of them feel…right. You keep trying the ones with smaller cups that would in theory make your chest smaller, but your breasts keep overflowing at the top. You end up settling for one that fits properly, and let Mira in to double-check.
“It looks good!” She’s checking the straps for you and making sure everything fits right while something repulsive swirls in your stomach and sets in your jaw. “…is something wrong?”
You force yourself to look in the mirror and try not to wince. “It fits. It’s what I need.”
Mirabelle frowns, then gets that look on her face when she has an idea. “Okay. I think I know what’s up. But I need you to trust me.”
Mira comes back with what looks to be some kind of shirt with thick straps and a breathable mesh at the cleavage.
“Just try it,” she insists. “And don’t be afraid to ask for help to put it on. It can be an absolute hassle the first time you try on a binder.”
A binder? “Thank you?” She simply smiles and leaves you to change once more in your little room. You get to work putting it on and…oh, okay! You’re starting to understand what she means.
It’s tight and solid and fits like a well-placed hug. Mira picked out a good size for you! You adjust your breasts to be more supported at the top and…and…
Time stops for a moment. You decide to put on your shirt over it while learning to move around with it on. The binder peeks out a pit over the top, which annoys you but you can just wear something different. You can’t stop looking at yourself in the mirror. You let your hand feel over your chest.
The pit in your stomach shrinks, replaced by a glow in your heart and cheeks.
“Loop?” Mira knocks the wood by the curtain and steps inside. “How do you feel?”
You make eye contact in the mirror. You don’t even get the chance to open your mouth when your bottom lip starts quivering.
“Oh, honey.” She doesn’t even get to the point of holding you properly before you burst into tears and end up trying to contain yourself in her shoulder. You manage to blubber out a string of apologies for dealing with you while she rubs your back. “Shhh, it’s alright. You’re okay.”
“And I just…cried. Like a baby.”
When you walk into therapy the next day and tell Jian that you have something to talk to him about, he doesn’t dare interrupt you until now. “Can you pinpoint what you were feeling before? When you originally tried on the bras?”
You’re wearing one now. It’s quite comfortable actually, but it still feels off somehow. “I can’t pinpoint it, but it felt like…dread? Maybe? I could barely look at myself in the mirror.”
“And where did you feel that in your body?”
You blink in confusion, but you answer him anyways. “Um, in my stomach. And my jaw. I think.”
Jian taps his pen in thought. “Were you disgusted, by chance?”
Oh!!! You snap your fingers. “Yes, that’s it! I felt gross!”
He nods and writes something down. “Loop, do you know what being transgender means?”
You shake your head.
“It’s when you don’t feel quite right in the body that’s given to you.”
Oh, well you feel like that all the time! But that doesn’t mean-
“Gender-wise, at least. Now, I’m no expert so bear with me, but this sounds like classic gender dysphoria to me.”
“What’s that?”
Jian ponders for a moment. “Sorry. Trying to put it into words. From my understanding, it’s a kind of feeling you get from not fitting in your gender physically. It affects your mental health in multiple negative ways, from eating disorders to suicide, but it tends to be helped by beginning the transition process. Is top surgery something you’ve considered?”
This is starting to sound familiar! “Wait, is this Changing?”
“Sorry?”
“It’s what we call all that in my home world, I think. People in Vaugarde use Craft on their bodies to Change all the time.”
“Change how?”
“Everything. Hair, facial features, body structure…Roboro Changed a long time ago because he hated himself.”
Jian seems to put the pieces together. “He felt dysphoric.”
You nod. You’re starting to really see where he’s going with this, and it’s painting an ugly picture. “Does this mean that I’m…?”
“Not necessarily. How does it work in Vaugarde?”
“Well, you are who you are. And if you aren’t born how you want to be, then you can Change. There are people who will Change every year, and then there’s Mirabelle who never wants to. There are some countries where it’s illegal, like Ka Bue, since there isn’t any limit to how you can Craft yourself. But there aren’t labels or anything, not like what you’ve mentioned.”
“So in your country the issue has been addressed without even naming the problem?”
You wouldn’t call Vaugarde your country, but…well, actually, would you at this point? “I guess.”
“Fascinating. Your world is interesting,” Jian says with a smile. “So, back to the task at hand. How do you feel about your body?”
“…well? How do you feel about it?”
Roboro sits on your bed on Thursday, eating from a small bowl of scraps it brought over from that day’s orders and watching you pick at your apple pie filling and cheesecake frosting with honey cracker crumbles and vanilla cake chunks. You made sure to hide its birthday present for next week with the letters you’ve been stashing away when it came over. “I don’t know,” you admit. “I think my real problem is the top half. I was completely flat when I had my star head. And I was pissed when I came here and found that I’d gotten my boobs back.”
Rob almost snorts its cake.
“I’m serious! I was so mad at the Universe for pulling that crap!”
Its shoulder shake with laughter as it struggles to swallow. “No, no, I completely get it. Puberty was hell on earth for me. That’s really when I started to consider transitioning.” It gets a look on its face before it sighs with a frown. “That’s not what I meant to say.”
You frown too. “I know.” You take their hand and kiss their knuckles. “Continue?”
Roboro nods. “My breaking point was when my Mom kept skipping me when it came to setting the table. Said I was so quiet that she didn’t even realize I was home.” You can still see the hurt on their face. “It took a few months, but I did it. I spent the summer transitioning and pretended I was just smart enough to pass school at home while working my ass off to graduate early and move out. I…caused a lot of fights between my parents.”
You squeeze its hand. “I don’t think I’ve heard you talk about your dad.”
It squeezes back, rubbing its thumb on your knuckle. “I don’t like talking about him.”
“Was he like your mom?”
It shakes its head. “He was quiet. Complacent. He never stood up for us kids unless mom really crossed a line.” A sad smile crosses its lips as it looks down at its lap. “I wanted to be just like him when I grew up.”
“And then you got older.”
“And then I got older,” it sighs. “I transitioned-” Rob looks like it’s fighting and failing to just say Changed with gritted teeth- “and everything shifted. I got out of that house as fast as possible, and I never went back.”
Wow. Changing from Roboro’s perspective sounds…drastic. “You must’ve been desperate to get out.”
“It didn’t feel like it. I was really good at pretending that nothing was wrong, to the point of where I fooled myself. I don’t think I began really waking up from that fantasy until I met Odile.”
You cock your head.
“But enough about me,” he quickly waves off. “We were talking about you.”
Boo! You love hearing Roboro talk about himself! “Sorry. I got curious.”
“It’s alright,” he chuckles. “Is the cake good?”
You force yourself to actually take a bite and hum in bliss. “Mhm!”
Rob coaxes you back into the conversation before bed. “Can I ask you something strange?”
You thread your hair into a long braid. “Sure.”
“Have you always felt this way about your body?”
You watch it temporarily shift its head into human hair to brush them out before turning back, the end result being straightened leaves and neat petals. “I never needed to. I don’t remember much before the loops, so…”
“Just focused on survival, huh?”
You nod. “I think so. It never felt like something I was allowed to do.”
Rob pauses the process of it putting on toothpaste on its toothbrush. “What do you mean?”
You follow suit with a shrug. “It…was something that was okay for other people to do, but I couldn’t. Like, I was breaking a secret rule if I did it.”
“What rule?”
“I don’t know.” And you really don’t. You both brush your teeth in awkward silence and take turns spitting in the sink.
Rob passes you a hand towel for your face. “I think Sif mentioned this actually. Something about their body being the last intact piece of home they had.”
It’s a little deeper than that, but you nod and pat yourself dry. “That sounds about right.”
It sighs. “Either way, I’m proud of you for addressing it.”
Rob kisses your nose with minty breath, then your cheek, then all around your face until you’re reduced to giggles and smiles. “Better late then never?”
“Something like that,” it chuckles before kissing you properly and making you swoon.
But even through the kisses and the snuggles and the way Roboro’s thumb strokes your back while you lay on their chest, you don’t sleep. You can’t stop thinking about it.
How long have you been in denial about this?
Have you always felt this way about yourself?
Is this why you feel so disgusting, and manipulative, and broken?
…you snuggle into Roboro’s chest, still rising and falling beneath you, and try to block out your thoughts long enough for you to sleep.
You’re still thinking about it come Tuesday, even though you’ve been trying to keep yourself busy with planning for the past week.
You’re on your way to Roboro’s, having left work early and knowing that Taeko stole him away to Drew’s for lunch as a distraction, when you notice a sign in front of the florist’s: New Owner! Opening Tomorrow!
Huh. Does Rob like flowers? Considering it technically is one, you assume maybe, but you should ask before buying some for a date night. You don’t want to get it something it’s allergic to.
…but if it’s allergic to any kind of flowers whatsoever, you are totally rubbing that in its face.
Rob’s apartment smells divine when you walk inside. “Mira?”
“Hi!” She greets you with a smile and a tray of fresh chocolate chip cookies. “You got the goods?”
“I got the goods!” You lift up the bag of the few decorations you bought, plus some wrapped gifts. “Where do I put said goods?” You let Mirabelle direct you on where to put the presents you were storing for the others and the streamers that Callisto hunted while you threw them up and over the curtain bar. You even take out Moose for a run around the field so he isn’t antsy before the party and make it back just in time to hear footsteps come up the stairs. “That’s them!” You and Mira quickly look around to make sure nothing is out of place before hiding by the door, giggling and shushing each other like children.
Taeko walks in first, probably scouting you two out. “Well I have terrible news for you Roboro, but your birthday isn’t over yet.”
“Wha-”
“Surprise!!!”
The two of you jump out from behind the door, making Rob violently jump before it bursts out laughing. “What the hell! When did you get off work?”
“Like half an hour ago,” you chuckle. “Come in! We have dessert for you.”
The four of you gather around Roboro’s table once more, but this time it’s actually fun.
You chatter and eat cookies and enjoy your time together without any hint of drama or discomfort. Rob seems thankful that a party was organized at all, keeping an arm wrapped around you when everyone moves up to the couch. You laugh together like you weren’t just here a few months ago, pretending everything was fine for your friends’ sake.
You feel safe this time around. It’s really nice.
Mirabelle passes Rob her gift with a smile. “Open,” she politely demands.
They snort and take it, lifting their arm over you - sad! - to unwrap a medium-sized box. “Ooh, an embroidery hoop.”
“Yup! You mentioned that you’ve been doing all your designs without one so I figured I should fix that.”
You raise an eyebrow. “Does having one help?”
“Oh, yeah,” Rob snorts. “I used to have one a few years back, but I think it got broken somewhere along the line and I never replaced it.”
Taeko passes hers over with a smile. “Hilariously, mine piggybacks off of that without even meaning to. Go ahead.”
It opens a box of pretty thread that shines in the light. Rob rubs its between its fingers. “…feels like Mwuduan cotton.”
“It’s called Egyptian cotton here, but it looks identical, doesn’t it?”
You smile. “Good quality?”
“Very good. Excellent durability with a good shine. I figured you’d prefer practicality over something more technical.”
You blink. “What?”
“She’s giving me excuses for not getting me the pretty delicate threads,” Roboro teases. “But that’s okay! I’m still learning anyways. Thank you Taeko.”
“Of course.”
You pass over your present without much circumstance. “My turn.”
Rob picks up the tiny box with a smile and opens it. You’d picked out a few sets of earrings with Mirabelle post-bra-incident, including some that could be subtly swapped with the funeral earrings if it really wanted to. You picked out stars and circles and flowers while Mira contributed with a tiny, diamond-shaped metal stud that looked just like the ones Odile used to wear on her shoulders. The look on its face makes you worry, but you know you did good when a soft smile appears on its face.
“I don’t think I’ve seen you wear any earring others than your studs. I figured you’d like some options. I understand if you don’t wear them though.”
Roboro shakes its head. “No, I’ll probably crack into them soon.” It sets them down and squeezes you tight. “Thank you.”
You lean in, giggling. “You’re welcome!”
The party doesn’t last that much longer after that. Taeko and Mira left together, with one starting work soon and the other needing to go to bed early for her shift tomorrow. You both say your goodbyes, and force Roboro away from any cleaning so it can enjoy itself to the fullest.
You finish throwing away the wrapping paper when you hear quiet sniffling. “Rob?”
The bathroom door is just open a crack. “In here.”
You open it to see him standing there with a tiny earring shielded by shaky hands. “Oh, love. I meant it when I said that you didn’t have to wear them.”
“I-I want to.” He’s not crying just yet, but his eyes are watering pretty heavily. “I really want to, but…” Rob blinks and looks away. “They keep slipping.”
“Do you need help?” It slowly nods. You guide it to sit on the toilet seat. “Which one?
“Siffrin’s.” It tucks a leaf behind its ear and shows you the single funeral stud on its right side. “The star.”
Your heart lifts. He would be touched to hear such a thing from it. You carefully unscrew the flat backing, take it out, and put it in Rob’s hand to switch it with a star-shaped earring. “How does it feel?”
Your nerves build with every passing moment of silence. “It’s light,” it whispers. “I barely feel it.”
Oh, dear. You screwed up, didn’t you?
“It doesn’t hurt like the other ones do.”
But the tone of its quiet voice shifts you back into reality; it’s not conflicted with you, but with it’s grief, and that’s okay. “Good,” you whisper back with a kiss on its head. “I’m glad it hurts less.”
Chapter 25
Notes:
TW - talks of sex, mention of masturbation
Chapter Text
You were hesitant to help Roboro with the rest of its earrings, but you did it anyways without saying a word the entire time. And honestly? That might’ve turned out to be a good call.
When you talked to James that next Monday, he told you that it was practically beaming when he asked about them. What was even weirder was that Rob told the truth.
“They said they were earrings to represent their passed loved ones. Apparently it’s a culture thing for them. Cool, right?”
James is so smiley this morning, having delivered your coffee fast enough to be piping hot, that you can’t help but smile back. “Earrings are a big deal for Vaugardians.”
“Vaugarde..? Oh, that’s right, you’re from the same place! What’s it like?”
You try to recall Dormont to the best of your ability to James, who listens enthusiastically.
“So it’s full of birds, trees, and nice people?”
You giggle. “Something like that. I don’t remember a good chunk of it, but I traveled around a lot. Vaugarde was always pleasant. Warm, too, next to the equator.”
James steals a nibble of your carrot banana bread as you sip on your coffee. “Interesting. Robert’s never told us any of this.”
Really? “How long have you guys worked together again?”
James whistles in thought. “Year and a half? Maybe?”
Stars! You knew it was closed off to the point where Sam possibly needed to get it drunk to talk about itself, but that’s a little ridiculous!
You must be making a face, because James is chuckling at your expression. “I know. It sounds like such a long time, but honestly he talks a lot more than he used to-” which you know is code for “Roboro says actual words now instead of just giving us acknowledging grunts”- “and it’s still strange to hear him! I actually got it to laugh last week.”
“That’s good,” you grin. “Sounds like it’s comfortable with you guys.”
His eyes light up. “You think so?”
You just giggle, and take another sip.
“…Thank you, by the way.”
You raise an eyebrow.
“For making Robert happy. I don’t know what happened, but it’s been smiling a lot more since you two made up awhile ago.”
That’s right. You were fighting at one point, weren’t you? Stars, that was just a few months back. You feel your cheeks heat up. “It was nothing,” you manage, looking away. “I’m just glad they’re doing better now.”
“Me too,” James smiles. “Oh! Random! I have gossip.”
Oh hell yeah, drama! You’re brought to attention like a soldier in a line. “Spill.”
“Saaaam has a cruuuuush,” he teases in a sing-song voice.
“No!”
“Yep!”
“Who?”
“The new florist. She’s really pretty and super nice! Apparently Sam stopped by to see what they had for the front of the bakery and they talked for almost an hour.”
You gape with a smile. “Oh my god???”
He grins. “Got a scolding from Clyde for being so late with no flowers in hand. Robert and I have been teasing him mercilessly. Speaking of, Sam wants to know if you have a book on flower language.”
Wow. He must be smitten if this new florist can convince Sam of all people to pick up a book. “I’ll see if we do. I may have to stop by the florist’s now. See if she’s worthy and all that jazz.”
James lights up. “Would you!? One of us would be too obvious!”
You blink. You were joking, but y’know what? “Sure. I’ll stop by after work.”
A cough sounds off behind you. “Speaking of work.”
Patricia’s voice brings you back into job-mode immediately. “I’m kicking you out James.”
Hilariously, Pat only responds by cackling. “I’m gonna tell Clyde to fire you.”
James gapes at her in horror, a dramatic hand on his chest. “You’d never!”
“Wanna bet?”
And just like that, he’s out the door with a snort and a goodbye, leaving the two of you to giggle amongst yourselves.
The build of The Language of Flowers: An Alphabet of Floral Emblems feels familiar in your hands. The binding, made of frayed buckram with the paper clearly printed from a press, reminds you of how they built books in your world. You’re glad that there are some elements of familiarity in this town.
When you walk inside your house after your shift, you’re surprised to see Roboro in your kitchen. “Hi, honey???”
It just chuckles, standing there in joggers and a tank while holding a glass of water, under a layer of sweat. “Sorry for breaking in. I was on a run and really needed a glass.”
You can’t help but laugh. “Well, either way, I may need you to make a delivery.” You hold up the book with a smile. “James filled me in.”
“Oh hell yeah.” Rob sets down the glass and wipes its sweaty hands clean to take it. “We even got Clyde in on it.”
“Well he would anyways, he bet on us to get together.”
“He-” Rob suddenly pauses its process of sipping on its water. “He did!?”
You snicker. “Yup! He and Pat bet on which one of us would ask first, and he won.”
Roboro can’t seem to help how it instantaneously cackles at that. “You’re kidding…weirdly enough, that feels really nice.”
“Right!” You waltz over and get on your tippy-toes in your heels to try and reach Rob’s chin. “Feels good that people thought we were cute together.”
Rob snorts. “Or we were just that obvious.”
Your brows bunch. “Would it kill you to be romantic for five seconds?”
They chuckle and bend down, grazing their nose with yours. “What’re you talking about? I’m always romantic around you.”
You roll your eyes with a playful smirk and pull its collar down to meet its lips with yours. The chuckle that rumbles in its throat shoots straight through your spine, making you shudder and tighten your grip.
…you’re not sure what you did exactly, but you can tell right away when something in its demeanor shifts.
You barely hear the clink of glass against the countertop. Rob’s kisses become deeper, more direct somehow, with a hand holding your waist and the other cradling your head. Your own are around its shoulders to keep it close. You can feel the disguise hiding your stars falling off, but you couldn’t care less.
A lean, a turn, and a lift have you sitting on the edge of the counter with Rob between your legs, melting into his touch. Heat fills your core and blooms out into your stomach and legs with every kiss. His hands slide down to your hips and makes you shudder. His grip tightens on your thighs when an embarrassing moan escapes you from the feeling of his tongue sliding into your mouth. You memorize the curvature of Rob’s teeth until he breaks away to travel down and suckle your skin. More hums and whimpers fill the air, his breath hot and heavy against your neck, your body craving more, more, more-
A sudden knock at the door whips you out of your trance. You both freeze.
Rob speaks first. “…um.” It lifts its head, its face visibly ablaze. “Y-You should get that, huh?”
You already feel colder, but your chest lights up with warmth from the little smile on its face. “I should.” You try to hop down, but-
Rob has just enough time to catch you with your wobbling legs. They snort first, then you, and suddenly you two are giggling over how you can barely stand after a minute-long make-out session. “You look like a baby deer.”
“Shut up!” You playfully swat it away through laughter and go to get the door.
“Loop.”
“Hm?”
“Skin.”
Oh, right! You look at its ruffled petals and leaves. “You too,” you snicker.
Rob straightens itself out with a quick hand through its flower, now shifting into hair, and takes a deep breath. You follow suit with a smile, and open the door.
To your surprise and horror, Sam is standing there with a smile. “Hey Luca, James told me you potentially have a book…for me…” He visibly makes eye contact with Roboro, who you realize is still conspicuously standing in the kitchen, and bunches his brows. “Good God, both of you? Both of you ran to tell them this. Really?”
You can hear Rob snickering in the kitchen. “We haven’t talked much actually.”
You snort and roll your eyes. “Rob, the book’s in my tote on the counter. Be a dear, hon?”
A sudden cough tells you that it’s probably inhaled some water at the pet name. Rob's still hacking into its arm when it passes you the book.
You give them a charming smile. “Thank you~! Here you go Sam.”
Your guest’s eyes wander down to your neck, biting back a laugh. “Having fun, Robert?”
“Fuck off asshole,” it wheezes.
“HA!” Sam grins and looks at the book. “This looks perfect. Thanks Luca! I owe you sometime.”
“You owe me twelve dollars,” you giggle. “That’s how much it costs.”
He snorts and digs through his pocket to hand you a twenty. “Keep the change. Consider it coverage for your troubles dealing with this bullshit.”
You grin. “I’ll take it. Have a good one, Sam.”
“You too. Bye Robert!”
He gives a grunt and a wave, only relaxing when you close the door to Sam’s back. “What was that about?”
He shakes it’s head. “He’s been teasing me right back, y’know. About us.”
You approach its chest and look up at it with a little smirk. “Liiike?”
Rob’s lips twitch. “He said I had a look on my face a couple weeks ago. After our first kiss.” He says it so matter-of-factly, and yet his cheeks are visibly ablaze. Cute! “Said I was smiling all day. It’s been a running joke now.”
“Is it too much? The teasing, I mean.”
It thinks for a moment, then shakes its head. “It’s just new. It’s how both of them show that they’re paying attention. Plus, I’d be a hypocrite to criticize him. I’ve been making fun of him all day.”
You snort. “You guys sound like brothers.”
Rob pauses its motion of bringing its water to its lips. “…I guess so.”
Oh, stars. You forgot about its complicated relationship with family. “Sorry, I-”
“No, no, don’t be.” It takes a sip and sighs at the taste. “It’s just a weird feeling, that’s all.”
It’s a week later when you write it your next letter. You really, really need to start burning these:
Dearest,
You’re making me rethink things that I never thought I’d have to address, but here we are. My entire life, I’ve always thought anything related to sex was disgusting. Kissing only just started to grow on me before we got together, but nowadays I’m sitting here wondering what it would be like to do the real deal. Don’t get me wrong, I might hate it. It’s still gross as a concept. Bodily fluids in general have never been appealing to me. But what if it feels good? What if I like it? Would that make me disgusting? I don’t know. Sounds like something we should talk about soon.
The worst part is that it feels like my brains is just lining up fantasies for me to try. There’s one where I’m wearing that one dress that you like with the ties on the side. You called the design smart after getting on your knees and made my stomach do back flips from the way you were looking up at me. And. Well. Let’s say that you kneel for me for a good bit in this particular scenario. You couldn’t pay me to actually write it down.
Anyways, I snagged Sam’s book for giggles and have been having fun building a bouquet for you. I hope you aren’t anti-flower due to the whole dandelion thing. I’m picking them out tomorrow, but I’m debating on if I should deliver them to you at work. Health codes be damned? But I know you and your need for a clean bakery. I’ll just give them to you during our date tomorrow night.
Love you darling. See you soon.
XOXO Lu
Even if you have no idea what you’re doing, you came prepared.
You spent the night filling out little notes on potential flowers to use before giving Sam his book back that Monday morning. An old brick building full of tall windows that remind you of a cathedral or a church stands solid before you. It even has a bell at the top. How big is this place?
You step inside and find yourself surrounded wall to wall. Dried roses and herbs of various kinds hang from the rafters. Large bushes separate room into aisles, directing you to seeds and pots and other types of gardening supplies. Whoever renovated did a good job, because from the inside it really does just look like a taller-than-usual florist’s shop.
“Hi there,” greets the cashier with a friendly smile. “Let me know if I can help you out.”
You smile back. “Actually, you probably can.” You give the stranger your little list. “Can you help me find these? I’m trying to build a bouquet.”
Their eyes narrow at your handwriting, and blink. “…huh.”
“What?”
“Oh, it’s…nothing.”
Wait, no, you recognize that reaction! “It’s the language thing.”
They raise an eyebrow.
“All written words here get automatically translated to your home language, or a language that you can read. Happens to customers all the time where I work.”
They get up from behind the desk and take your list with them. They’re taller than you, almost as tall as Roboro! “A few of these sound pretty rare, but I’ll see what I can do. What’s next to them?”
“The meanings.”
They look over them as you walk, their smile beginning to crinkle their nose. “Cute! For your partner?”
“Yup, date night.”
“How fun! How long have you been together?”
“Not long,” you chuckle. “But we’ve wanted to be for awhile.”
“I’m glad you guys got there,” they say sincerely. “Here’s the selection I have.”
And while you look through your options together, you find out that you’ve been talking to the new owner the entire time! The two of you pick out flowers and chatter for nearly half an hour. You feel oddly comfortable. Louis, she/he, stands before you and checks out your homemade bouquet at the front. “Well, I’ll be honest. The bouquet-building part is technically my job, but you look like you have a plan.”
“I do,” you smile. “You’ve been a fantastic help.”
“It’s what I do,” he smiles back. “Luca, was it?”
“Yup.”
“Is there a chance this is going to Robert? Tall baker guy.”
“It is!” Did Sam talk about you two? Already???
“Cool, cool. Just checking.” Louis gives you your change with a smile. “Have a nice day!”
…okay. That was a little strange, but maybe you can let it slide. “You too!”
You arrive to Roboro’s apartment with your favorite heels and your new binder secretly hugging you tight. “Hi Rob!”
“HidearI’mfryingthingsgottarun.” It quickly pops over, kisses you, and zips back to a kitchen that looks borderline disastrous.
“Can I help,” you chuckle, closing the door behind you and giving Moose all of the smooches. You set the flowers on the table.
“Not really. Trying something new tonight.”
“Any luck?”
“It’s biting me. A lot. But I’m winning the war.”
You take off your cloak and roll up your sleeves. “I’ll ask again, do you require assistance?”
Rob pauses and looks around. “Um. I don’t know if I put rice in the rice cooker.”
You walk over and scan the counters. “Considering that I don’t see the cooker itself, I’m gonna say you didn’t do that.”
“Crap. Okay.”
“I got it.” You work around each other to finish dinner, chatting about how work was while you wash and prepare the rice. “Have you met the florist yet?”
“I have. She’s nice. I see how Sam could like her.”
“Me too. They’re both quite chatty. We talked for like an hour.”
Roboro’s voice gives away more than you were expecting: “I…did not get that treatment, actually. I think I might’ve scared him a little.”
“Oh?” You waltz over to stand by the stack of fried chicken, and find its eyes staring down the frying oil. “Aw, love. I don’t think it was that bad.”
“But what if it was? I just…” It sighs. “I think I’m starting to understand why Sam was so nervous interacting with you.”
“He was?”
“Yup. Said something about wanting to leave a good first impression. And I know it’s a silly crush on his end, but still! I get it now!”
You sigh with a smile. “Well, if it makes you feel better, I don’t think she’s scared of you. And besides, you were yourself around her, right?”
“I tried to be.”
“Then that’s what’s important.” You give their shoulder a kiss and lean on it. “Besides, he set me up with some sweet flowers.”
“He…did?”
“Mhm! They’re on the table.”
Roboro blinks at you. “…did you perhaps use the book that Sam bought…?”
“Maaaaybe,” you grin.
“Fuuuck,” it groans. “And here I was, thinking I was actually being romantic for once.”
Wait, what? “You had the same idea?”
“I think so. Build-a-message-in-a-bouquet kind of thing.”
You snort. “Great minds think alike?”
Rob chuckles back. “Sure, let’s go with that. I think this is done.”
Rob pulls out the familiar little book after dinner and looks at the flowers on the table. “I snagged this from Sam after work. Wanna decode them together?”
You feel heat flash across your face. You recall your notes being full of mushy gushy feelings that you were sure that Rob could decode easily in the privacy of his home, but doing so front of you felt much more intimate than you were mentally prepared for. “Sure?”
An amused smile curves onto Rob’s face. “What? Now you’re shy?”
You could melt into the couch cushions with how hot your face feels. “N-No! Lay it on me!”
It fails to hide a snort. “Wanna go get them?”
You nearly bolt from the couch towards the dinner table, smiling at the sound of Roboro laughing at your antics. You love its laugh. You could listen to it on a record every day. You grab a notepad from the junk drawer along with the flowers.
“Why pen and paper?”
“…notes.”
“For?”
“Your brain. To track the flowers. And their meanings.”
It grins. “You know me so well.” You smile back and pass your bouquet over. Rob looks over the flowers with a tender expression. And it really looks over them too. It separates each one with its fingers. “Tell me which flowers are in here and I’ll look them up?”
Ohohohoho, that’s almost worse than just curling up and watching it hunt the answers down itself! Heat floods your face and travels to your ears. “S-Sure.”
Rob chuckles under its breath at you. “So, what’s this one?”
His fingers gently graze over a tiny darkless flower that droops downwards. “That’s a snowdrop. I thought it sounded pretty.”
“Looks lovely, especially against everything else. Did you pick them out?”
“By hand.”
Rob glances over. “…really?”
You feel your head shrink into your shoulders with a nod. “I had a plan. Louis helped me around the store.”
It blinks at you. “Wow. Well now I feel a little lazy. I just gave him my notes of what I wanted this morning and trusted him with it.”
You giggle. “I probably had more time to do it.”
“Fair enough.” Roboro opens the little book it borrowed from Sam and begins to scan. Its eyes scrunch before it finally sighs and pulls out a pair of spectacles from its shirt pocket.
“You wear glasses?”
It flips them open and adjusts them on its nose. “They’re just for reading.”
…okay. Time to admit something to yourself. You kinda have a thing for nerds in glasses. You always have, actually! You can remember a few times during the loops where Odile would catch you off-guard with the glare of the light in her eyes, her knowledgeable stare somehow sharper in those moments. “I like them.”
Rob pauses with a raised eyebrow, the lamp reflecting off of its spectacles. “Really?”
Yup, it’s official. Your face is on fire. “Y-Yeah! They’re cute.” Is there going to be a sentence you say tonight that won’t include a blinding stutter!? “Have you always had those?”
“Mhm.” Rob flips through the pages, probably looking for the S column, and softly smiles at what it finds. “It says hope. That’s cute.”
You smile too, and click your pen to write it down. “I didn’t have it for a long time. It was such a shock when I finally did that the feeling stuck with me, I guess.” You look up from your paper. “Are we doing the next one?”
There’s something sad and familiar in Rob’s eyes, but it moves on. “Sure. Um…” It picks out another tiny flower, one of many, that Louis told you was the color “blue”. “What about this little guy?”
“Forget-me-nots.”
“Ah, that one’s obvious. I’d never forget you, y’know.”
You smile and write once more. It can look up its other meaning later.
“And this one?”
They reference a flower that you can only describe as the more dramatic cousin of a honeysuckle. “It’s called a white dittany.”
Rob flips through his book and hunts it down in the D section. “…passion.”
You try to not think about the few nights where you couldn’t sleep unless you did unspeakable things to yourself with Roboro’s name right on your lips. Your face burns. “U-Uh huh.” You refuse to make eye contact.
It snorts, and looks at one of the slightly bigger flowers of the bunch. “Ficoide?”
What did that one mean again? “You recognize it?”
“I almost picked it out. And if I have it right…” They find the correct page. “Your looks freeze me. That’s-” They pause, eyes narrowing. “Wait a minute.”
Uh oh.
You could practically hear the wheels in Roboro’s head turning. A cheeky smirk appears on its face. “Loop.”
You shut your eyes. “No.”
“Loop-de-loop.”
You hide your face behind the notebook. “Spare me.”
“Loopellini.”
“Please.”
Its chuckles reverberate in your ears. “Did you manage to call me sexy through a bouquet?”
You groan. “It was accident!”
“It was not.”
“Was too! I was going for something more like ‘generally attractive’, or even ‘hot’ if you wanna get spicy with it!”
Rob laughs at that. “How are you both good and bad at this.”
You open your eyes just enough to slap its arm with the notebook. “Asshole!”
Roboro’s laughter fills the air. “Tell me what the last one is?”
“Ambrosia.”
“…love returned.”
You turn your head at its tone; the softness in its eyes makes you melt on the spot. “Is that okay,” you almost whisper.
“Yeah,” it whispers back with a smile, it's thumb grazing the page. "I like it."
Chapter 26
Notes:
TW - hot makeout session with a tad of nudity lmao
Chapter Text
You don’t sleep that night. You don’t even try to, to be honest. You lay there, awake, fully aware that you have work in the morning, and try to process if you were hallucinating what just happened.
You are ninety-nine percent certain that you just accidentally told Roboro that you loved it, and you’re maybe seventy percent sure that it told you that it returned those feelings. A feeling of dread accompanied by relentless, persevering hope has filled you since that conversation. Your stomach is in knots and your chest feels warm and the emotions stirring in you are welcoming and uncomfortable and lovely all at the same time. You don’t know how you got through dinner afterwards without dying of awkwardness.
A knock at the door brings you out of bed in the wee hours of the morning. You tip-toe down the stairs, a soft cardigan over your shoulders, and stroke the kittens as you find each one. They’re getting pretty big. You should start finding good homes for them, like you did for Callisto.
You open the front door to a large bouquet at your feet, accompanied by Sam’s book, and smile to yourself. You wish that Rob had stayed, but-
“You’re awake already?”
You look up, and there they are, still in their pajama pants and sneakers accompanied with their favorite hoodie and a semi-obvious bedhead. “…did you just pick those up from the flower shop, or…?”
“Louis delivered them to me last night after you left.” Rob looks out of breath. “Did you even sleep?”
A wave of exhaustion overcomes you. “Not a wink,” you yawn. “Are there any other coffee shops open today?”
It slowly shakes its head. “Drew’s doesn’t do to-go coffees either.”
Stars. “…do you want to come in?”
He visibly ponders your request before finally nodding - “Sure.”
With the bouquet in mind and the book in hand, you both settle into your retroactive spots on the couch with Rob leaning against the side corner and you curled up on its chest. It lets you coo over the pretty flowers while stroking your hair.
“I’m not gonna lie to you. This is possibly the wildest bouquet I’ve ever seen.”
“Yeah?”
“Uh huh.” You stroke a darkless petal. “This one kinda looks like one of my flowers. What does it mean?”
Roboro goes quiet.
“Darling?”
“Yes?”
“What does the flower mean?”
“…remember last night when I was giving you shit for calling me hot through a bouquet?”
You giggle at the memory. “Mhm.”
Rob takes a deep breath. “Time for me to be honest with you.”
You snort.
“I might’ve done something worse,” it chuckles nervously.
You look up at it with a grin. “Oh? Well now you have to tell me.”
Roboro gulps and looks away, a light blush dusting its cheeks. “Spanish jasmine. For sensuality.”
Sensuality? Which one was that again?
“…you don’t know what that is, do you.”
“No, I do.”
“You do not.”
“Hang on, I’m getting there- oh. Oh! Ohohohoho~!” You can’t help but snicker in its chest. “That’s a tad more direct than mine was, isn’t it? How scandalous of you!”
Rob’s face goes from semi-neutral to having a bright, dark shade completely encompassing it. “Shut up.”
You grin. “Never. What’s the next one?”
They use a hand to cup a set of tiny flowers with petals that remind you of a three-leaf clover. “Well, these ones are wood sorrels. They mean joy.”
“Aw, that’s sweet.” You absentmindedly take off one of the leaves and pop it in your mouth.
“…Loop, what the hell.”
You snicker, your nose scrunching up from a bursting sourness blooming on your tongue. “What? Wood sorrels are edible!”
“Wait, really?” Roboro, hilariously, follows suit, and chews on a leaf before its face twists from the taste. “Whew! That really has a kick, doesn’t it?”
You nod, giggling. “I used to eat them all the time when…oh goodness, where was I? Some country south of Ka Bue. You could just pick them off the ground and have a snack on your way to the next town over.”
Rob raises an eyebrow. “How old where you?”
You try to think. “Anywhere from fifteen to…maybe seventeen? It’s still really fuzzy.”
It strokes your hair. “You’re getting really good at remembering stuff.”
“Yeah?”
“Mhm.” The look they give you melts you down to your core. “You haven’t noticed?”
You shake your head a little and let your cheek sink into its chest, looking up at it with tired eyes. “I’m glad one of us does.”
Roboro smiles softly before kissing your head. “Do you want me to explain the other ones?”
“Would you?”
“Mhm.”
You listen to Rob talk about milkvetch and heliotrope and something called arkansas coreopsis that it looks particularly nervous about, but you just smile and stroke its hand. Something brave and familiar overcomes you before you can stop it: “Will you be my partner? Properly?”
It stops and looks at you for a solid second before its face twists into one of pure joy. “You really didn’t sleep last night, did you?”
“God, not even a little,” you laugh. “I’ve been up all night thinking about us.”
“…really?”
You nod. “I know it’s an awake-me conversation, but-”
“No, no.” Rob kisses your head softly. “I’d…I’d really like that. To be yours.”
Bliss blooms throughout your chest and pops up on your face through a grin. “All mine?”
“All yours.” A sniffle wakes you up a tad more. “Sorry. Wow. That…” It wipes its face. “I’m sorry. That caught me off guard.”
“Oh, I’m sorry dear,” you chuckle. “I didn’t mean to make you cry.”
His arms wrap around you tight. “…will you be able to work with how tired you are?”
You sink into its warmth. “Probably not, but I didn’t call yesterday.”
“I can call Clyde to tell Patty that you didn’t sleep.”
“…would you?”
“Of course dear,” Rob whispers in your hair, and you feel your heart skip a beat.
“Hey Clyde, it’s Robert…yes, I know we’re closed tomorrow- today, but…actually I’m calling in for Loo-Luca…no, they didn’t sleep at all last night. I stopped by this morning to make a delivery…no, it’s not like that…Clyde.”
It must be able to hear your snickers from the couch from the way it turns to playfully glare at you.
“Will you please tell Patricia that they’re out today? And no I will not make a habit of this, I promise, I- yes, I think they’re okay…mhm…mhm…thank you, sir. Get some rest.” Rob sets down the phone with a ding and a sigh. “That was a lot of talking on his end for four in the morning. He normally doesn’t do anything without coffee in his system.”
You grin, laying on the couch. “Are you staying over?”
“I may have to leave to check on Moose in a bit, but I think I can do that.”
You make grabby hands, and let its chuckles fill you up. “Bring him over here?”
“Might be a good idea.” Instead of pulling you up into a sitting position, Roboro makes you squeal by lifting you up in his arms like a princess. “Bed.”
“But-”
“Bed.”
You huff, defeated and sleep-deprived, and curl up into its chest once more. “…you’re warm.”
“You’re cold.” Rob carefully carries you up the steps to your room and wraps you in your blanket once you get to bed. “Times like these where I wish…” It clears its throat. “I want you to have your old cloak.”
You giggle at its mistake. “Sorry.”
“For what?”
“For laughing at you. At the wish thing. I just do it too.”
It gives you a raised eyebrow and a smile. “You’re sleepy.”
“Sleepy eepy,” you agree with a yawn as you're placed into your warm bed.
Rob crawls in with you and holds you close. “I’ll be here when you wake up, okay?”
“Okay,” you mumble before closing your eyes and falling into a dreamless sleep.
When you awaken, Roboro is replaced by two familiar snuggle bugs. It’s a miracle by itself that Jupiter and Moose can share a bed without complaint, but cuddling? You feel victorious as you get up just enough to give each of them kisses. You hear the thumping of cats chasing each other down the hall, followed by heavy footsteps and a deep chuckle.
“Hi Ganymede,” Rob says with a kiss. “Is your baba up yet?”
You stretch out and yawn loud enough for it to hear.
Roboro shuffles in with her in its arms and a smile on its face. “Hi dear.”
“Heeey,” you groan, rubbing your eyes. You let your body go limp against the bed, warm and cozy against the sun. “How long was I out?”
“About seven hours or so.” Soft pecks tickle your face. “How’d you sleep?”
You giggle at the feeling of its beard on your skin. “Like a rock.”
“Perfect.” Rob puts Mede on the bed before enveloping you in a kiss that would’ve swept you off your feet if you were standing up. “I missed you.”
“I was up here,” you grin.
“Still.” It nuzzles into your neck and places its lips on your pulse. “I’m glad you were able to stay home today.”
Your eyes bolt open. “Oh. Shit. I did call out, didn’t I.”
“I called out for you, but yes.”
“Do we…get a whole day with each other?”
You feel it smile. “We do.”
“Yesssss.”
A low chuckle fills your ear. “Any plans today?”
“No, thank the Lord.”
“…can I spend it kissing you?”
Your heart flutters in your chest. “I don’t see why not,” you smirk.
Roboro kissing your jawline towards your chin, then up to your lips, awakens every blood vessel in your body enough for you to register that one, it’s on top of you, and two, it’s not going anywhere anytime soon. You smile against it and let your fingers run through its leaves.
A bite and a suckle of your lip leaves you nearly moaning aloud - how embarrassing! - but thankfully Rob doesn’t seem to mind. You take a moment to push down the sheets covering you, the only thing between your bodies being the few layers of clothing you have. Linen and denim rub against each other as you both get comfortable.
You’re careful and quiet and shuddering beneath them. Heat and saliva and teeth meet your neck once more, traveling down to meet your collarbone. You let your legs open just enough to curl around one of Roboro’s. A hand pins one of yours by your head, fingers interlaced, while the other feels the curvature of your body. A thumb tracing the outline of your breast earns them a gasp, then another when they find your nipple. “Is this okay?”
Its breath against your skin sends shivers down your whole body. “Yes,” you whisper back.
You swear you feel Rob shudder too when it uses its hand to cup and lift your starry breast out of your nightgown for the world to see. “Fuck, Loop,” it mumbles against your skin.
For some reason, you’re not embarrassed in the slightest. “Like what you see?”
Rob’s chuckles against your skin make you giggle in turn as you watch it kiss down your chest. Its tongue meeting your nipple makes you squeak, followed by a soft moan when its lips close around it. Its free hand slides down to your thigh and squeezes it like its a lifeline with every sound it elicits from your mouth.
Your back arches a little when you feel teeth gently scrape and tug at sensitive skin. Your free palm strokes and grips its petals. A strong floral scent fills your nose and forces you to open your eyes; tiny, glowing flakes cover its scalp. You don’t know what it is, but it certainly isn’t dandruff. “Rob…?”
It pauses at your uncertainty before looking up at your hand, covered in strange powder. Its face goes from its normal shade with scattered freckles to a darker one almost immediately. “I am so sorry.”
“What is it?” You hold it closer to your face and-
Rob’s hand grips your wrist and pins it to the side, leaving both of them incapable. “Don’t breathe it in!”
You can’t help but laugh at its sudden reaction. “What? What’s wrong?”
Roboro buries its hot face in your half-bare skin, sweat beading on its brow. It mumbles something you don’t quite catch.
“What was that?”
“It’s pollen,” you hear.
“And why is that important?”
“It’s…u-um.” Rob catches its breath. “Whenever I’m worked up, I, uh, pollinate. It’s a flower thing, I guess.”
You blink and take a second to process what it’s saying. “You…oh. Oh!” You can’t help it - you bust out laughing, Jupiter bolting away from the noise.
“Don’t mock me!”
“I’m not- I’m sorry- oh God that’s hilarious!”
Roboro works its way back up with a serious pout. “It’s not funny.”
“It’s so funny!” You lift the leg between his in an attempt to stroke his thigh when you’re met with something else instead. It falls out of your mouth without hesitation: “Oh, you are happy to see me!”
Rob buries its head in the pillow beside you, shoulders shaking from laughter. “Shut up!!”
You can’t help but cackle, scaring Moose off the bed. “Oh no! Baby puppy, come back!”
Its quiet laughter fills your ears. “Let him go. I wouldn’t want him to be in here for the things I’d want to try with you anyways.”
Heat suddenly fills your face. You feel lightheaded. “Oh? Like what?”
A kiss against your earlobe makes you shudder. “Like-”
A low, grumbling growl pierces through the air. “…was that your stomach?”
You blink. “Yep.”
The snickers that come out of them are contagious, filling your chest with warmth as they kiss you softly. “Let me make you something?”
And even though the sexy mood is out the window and running down the street, the spark between you two is still there.
You two chat all day, your throats hoarse from laughing as you entertain each other. Roboro even showed you the card tricks it learned from Siffrin while you both ate lunch and shared stories about what you remember from your old lives. You teach it some basic origami and giggle together at its very sad cranes. You talk about the dinner party coming up in two weeks to secretly celebrate you finishing your withdrawal medication. You relish in each other’s time, knowing that a full day together was rare enough, but one that wasn’t a holiday felt even more delightful. It goes by too fast before you have to kiss it goodbye that night after you make it dinner.
“If all else fails, I’ll see you Monday?”
You grin and nod, knowing that there’s a high chance you’ll find them in your dreams tonight.
Two weeks go by with what feel like a blink, and suddenly it’s April. You and Roboro haven’t seen much of each other, save for the one Monday where you two stole a kiss when Patricia wasn’t looking, but the phone calls were still nice. Every other day or so, you’d dedicate an hour to each other to talk about life. You be lying if you said that hearing the front door open and close, knowing that Rob was once again in your house with Moose in tow, didn’t feel like you could take a full breath of air again.
You greet it with a long and happy kiss, Moose’s tail whipping against the wall. “Dinner’s on the stove.”
It hums happily. It looks tired. “Perfect. I brought dessert. Anything I can help with?”
You shake your head. “Have you been working extra hours?”
Rob nods and gently uses its fingers to lift your chin and cover your face in kisses. “Our croissants keep selling out. Clyde’s considering hiring extra help.”
“Or he could give you a raise,” you counter with a huff. “You work your ass off for him.”
“The overtime’s nice,” it chuckles. “As are the holiday bonuses.”
“Fair enough,” you sigh. “But still. You work yourself like a dog. You need rest.”
“I am resting,” it insists with another kiss. “I promise.”
“Pinkie swear?”
“Pinkie swear…one more kiss?”
You grin and oblige before finally letting go to help Moose get unhooked from his leash while Rob gets a quick cake it made into the kitchen. It must be truly exhausted if it's this lovey with you.
“What’s for dinner?”
“Jambalaya. It’s one of Bonbon’s recipes.”
The smile it gives you melts you on the spot. “You included Bonnie in our dinner?”
“Of course! The others are coming over, I gotta include them somehow!”
Roboro lumbers over, cradles your face, and kisses you softly one last time. “Thank you, dear.”
“Always, darling.” A knock at the door brings you out of lovey-dovey mode. “That must be them!”
The night started out quite strong. Taeko brought over cards and a few strings of yen she had lying around to gamble with over dinner. Mirabelle came with gougeres and roasted olives for sides and alcohol-free sparkling cider that you were secretly delighted to see.
“Loop, how do you still manage to cheat at cards after all these years?”
Caught already? You freeze. “You seriously think I remember how to play rummy enough to cheat?”
“Yes,” said the table all at once - Roboro included, the traitor!
Taeko takes a sip of cider out of her mug, her aging hair reflective and flickering under the light of the fireplace. “And don’t think I don’t see you and Roboro swapping cards under the table over there.”
Busted! You pout innocently. “I would never!”
Rob, having the world’s worst poker face despite its flat expression, just shrugs.
Mirabelle smirks and, to even your surprise, pulls a card out of its shirt pocket. “Oh? What’s this then?” She flips it over to reveal a Queen of Diamonds, and-
Taeko slaps her hand on the table, her mouth agape. “You!”
You can’t help but snicker, realizing that you did indeed watch her pull a Jack and a ten of Diamonds from the discard pile. You look down at your own hand, and- oh. Stars. You have two other Queens! “You indeed. Ass.”
The tea whistle of a laugh that comes out of Rob makes you grin. “Okay, okay. Siffrin might’ve have taught me a couple of things.”
Mira just snorts, shoving the spare card in the middle of the deck. “Good to know I wasn’t the only one influenced by him.”
You draw a very unhelpful club, and discard one of your Queens in defeat. “What’d he teach you?”
“Just a few bits on the way to Bambouche,” she chuckles, averting her gaze. “Hunting animals with traps, how to pickpocket without getting caught, tiny Wish Craft stuff that they didn’t realize they were doing…” A far-away look in her eye paired with a sad smile makes you wonder how much she misses her family. “That sort of thing.”
You smile too. “That certainly sounds like Stardust.”
“‘Stardust’? That’s a cute nickname!”
“You nicknamed your copies?” Taeko seems a tad surprised as she plays, discarding her Jack. “I just called mine by her name.”
“I did,” Rob pipes up. “Wasn’t very creative though. And I’ll admit, I was pretty bitter about the whole situation.”
And rightfully so. Both of you were in there for a hot minute.
“This is gonna sound morbid as hell,” Mira admitted outright, “but mine changed with different names of bones. Being a wishbone and all.”
You perk up at that. “…how the hell did you eat a wishbone?”
She pauses her process of picking up the discarded Jack. “What.”
Taeko tilts her head. “No, I’m with Loop on this one. How did you…?”
“I snapped it.”
Everyone else simultaneously makes the same face. “What do you mean?”
“I made my wish, and I snapped it. Did you guys not- what is everyone again?”
“I’m a coin,” Taeko says.
“Dandelion.”
“Star.”
“And all of you…ate that. To turn.”
Everyone nods. Mirabelle makes eye contact with you specifically; “How the fuck did you eat a star!?”
Roboro, to your delight, bursts out laughing. “Thank you!!”
Taeko raises an eyebrow with a smirk. “No, but seriously. How’d you pull that off.”
You shrug. “It fell??? I don’t know what to tell you!”
The table, full of giggles and smiles, calms into a lull eventually. “What were your copies like?”
“An anxious mess.”
“A smart-ass stuck-up.”
“Fucking annoying.”
You nearly choke on your drink. “Oh, thank God. I thought I was an ass for not liking mine as much until the end bit there.”
Taeko shook her head. “Odile and I butted heads a lot. It wasn’t until she faced the King on her own and lost that she actually caved and listened to me when I told her that she needed to tell the others the truth.”
Rob nods in agreement. “I’m just glad Seedling’s family made it to him in time.”
“Mine too,” you add.
Mira frowns, discarding a club. “My experience was more like Taeko’s, except…”
You cock your head.
She sighs. “She stayed back, actually. Tried to run away that night. Siffrin hunted her down, convinced her to return, and she spilled the beans on the loops and her wish. And that was the day they all got out.”
You frown. “Lucky lady. That could’ve gone terribly.”
Mira seems to nod in agreement. “And then she came back to me. We talked. She told me what she did. Apologized. It was nice.”
Aaaaand now you might be in hot water.
“…you didn’t fight, or…?”
Roboro’s tentative reaction sends immediate relief throughout you. You knew you were soulmates for a reason!
Taeko, hilariously, seems to pick up what you refuse to put down. “So, you both tried to kill them too, huh?”
The sound of Rob snorting their sparkling cider makes you giggle. “Ow. Carbonation. In the nose.”
“Oh no!” You pass it a napkin. “But still, I’m glad that experience was at least a bit better than ours was. Cause. Yikes. No thanks.”
Taeko doesn’t look the least bit surprised. “Siffrin is the one who would be the most directly connected to Wish Craft. It’s not exactly a shock to know that the results were…potentially disastrous.”
You watch Rob play its turn, and draw a new card yourself, setting down your other Queen. “That’s certainly one word for it,” you chuckle nervously.
“What about after your fight? How did things go then?”
“I blacked out,” you snort.
“So did I,” Rob adds. “Slept for…awhile? Isabeau and friends were gone by the time I was awake.”
Mira tilts her head. “I forgot that you didn’t go straight back home.”
“Me too,” Taeko smiles, placing down a spade. “Speaking of, how’s your break going Loop?”
You smile back. “It’s been great. Strange, but wonderful..”
“Wait, you haven’t gone back yet?” Mirabelle’s voice is lined with…something. You’re not sure what it is yet.
“Oh, I only got out this past…July? Yeah, July or so.”
“Been less than a year,” Roboro agrees. “About nine months.”
“…oh.”
A tense silence fills the air.
“I thought you’d…nevermind.”
Wait, did you say something wrong, or-
“But you’re planning on going back, right?”
…a sudden sense of dread fills you. “Eventually.”
“Soon?”
“Why?” Rob’s tone sounds bristled, defensive, almost agitated.
What’s going on? What are you missing? “I’m in no rush,” you try to mediate, “but that’s the plan.”
But its not working. “What’s stopping you?”
Taeko nearly spits out her drink. “Mirabelle-”
“I’m being serious. Siffrin has this habit-”
“Mira-”
“-of running away-”
You can’t breathe. Whatever you’re doing, whatever you’re saying, it’s certainly not helping!
“-whenever things get hard. So don’t sit there and tell me that them abandoning their party for something easier isn’t a possibility.”
“Enough.” Roboro’s voice is firm, quiet, enraged.
“Agreed,” Taeko nods. “Where is this coming from, Mirabelle?”
“I’m just saying,” she speaks casually, like that’s a legitimate defense, while she sips her cider. She looks tired, and...off. “This house is practically bare. Perfect for them to up-and-leave at any time.”
That makes something old and bitter in you snap. You want so desperately to shake her, to demand what you did wrong, but all you feel right now is hurt and frozen like a terrified deer.
“…Mira, I think you should go.” Rob’s voice surprises you, but its anger isn’t unwelcome.
“Are you seri-”
“Yes.” Taeko’s tone could cut your skin. “Please.”
You can’t move. You don’t even look at her as she calmly gathers her things and nearly slams the door on the way out.
Rob gently takes and holds your hand under the table. You didn’t even realize how hard you were gripping your chair. “Are you okay?”
You try to speak, but nothing comes out. You close your eyes and take a deep breath.
“So I’m not crazy then?” Taeko sets down her cards, her arms going almost slack. “Nobody else has any idea what that was?”
You slowly shake your head. “I don’t know,” you whisper, unable to say anything else. “I…don’t know.”
Chapter 27
Notes:
!!!PSA!!!
I'm about to start dropping deities names! They are indeed referencing the real ones several cultures still worship today. I did research, but not a lot, so don't expect a ton of alignment if we're being totally honest. We are using and abusing the ability to cite Creative Liberties here. That being said, there's one deity here whose interpretation is said to be controversial depending on who you ask, but when I looked her up I really REALLY wanted her to be in here. I hope that, even if this is a silly little bookstore bakery AU where weird deity shit happens and nothing is real-life accurate, I hope I do them all justice.
Take it away!
Chapter Text
And after that, the night was officially over. Taeko apologized for potentially outing you, which you immediately forgave her for. None of you could’ve predicted Mirabelle’s response. She helped the two of you clean up before taking her cards and promising to write.
It didn’t hit you until you were getting ready for bed of the possible severity of the situation: Mirabelle hates you.
Her tone was filled with malice, her eyes pure lividity. She was personally offended that you didn’t go back to save a country that wasn’t yours, but what was your excuse really? Taeko did it. You’re just…weak. And useless, and disgusting. You got used to the warmth, the safety, the comfort of being in one spot, and forgot all about the consequences of your lack of action. You’re crying softly to yourself by the time you get to brushing your teeth, ignoring how Roboro looks at you in the bathroom. You spit in the sink and wipe your face clean.
“Love,” Rob says softly.
You perk up with a sniffle.
It sighs, and opens an arm. “C’mere.”
You curl into its chest. “I’m fine,” you say automatically.
“You’re crying, sweetheart.” Its fingers stroke your freshly-brushed hair.
“I-I’m…” Your lips tremble. Your throat closes up. Your voice cracks. “I’m sorry.”
Rob cradles you close to its star as you whimper. “You did nothing wrong,” it reassures. “Really. That was completely unwarranted.”
You can’t get another word out, the only thing leaving your mouth being sobs.
Rob,
It’s been awhile since I’ve written. I see Jian tomorrow. I’m a mess. The nightmares are back too, if you haven’t noticed yourself.
My brain won’t let me think of anything other than that conversation, like it’s an itch I can’t scratch. I keep replaying that night in my head. I know I have to go back eventually, but I think I’d rather burn I think I’d rather choke the thought alone makes my skin crawl. I don’t want to go back to the House. I don’t want to save them. And I know that makes me a selfish monster, but I don’t even think I can get through without dying at least twice. I’m afraid I’ll just be stuck on the third floor all over again, forgetting about everything else in an endless cycle until I give up.
I don’t want to forget you, or my home, or the cats or Moose or Patricia or your coworkers. I’m just now trying to make a new friend. I invited Louis over for tea in a week or two. I have so much to lose if going back goes wrong, and I can think of at least a hundred ways that it could fail. I can’t lose my family again. I can’t.
I know you would probably see me differently if you knew how I really feel about all of this. I’m not even sure if I should tell you. I need to think on it.
I love you. Thank you for being with me.
XOXO Lu
“So let me get this straight. You think you not reinserting yourself into a traumatic situation makes you a ‘selfish monster’?”
Yes, you want to scream. “This isn’t just trauma though. Our job was to save the country, and we failed because of me.”
“How do you figure?”
“I left! You can’t get through the House with everyone alive if I’m not there, I’ve seen it in practice. And it takes for-blinding-ever to get through, so there’s a very real possibility of me forgetting everything I’ve ever learned here thanks to my stupid island curse!” You flop back against your chair with a frustrated sigh. “I knew this was coming. I knew there would be backlash, but…”
“But what?”
You frown. “But not from Mirabelle. Not her. She’s…the Chosen One, or whatever. I thought she might’ve been sympathetic with me leaving, but it’s still her home. I still chose to abandon it.”
“I disagree.”
You cock your head. “How do you figure?”
Jian flips through his notes. “You always talk about it in our sessions. You keep saying that you know you’ll have to ‘fix it’ eventually. ‘Abandonment’ is the wrong word for it. I think you were just waiting until you’re ready.”
“…do you think I am?”
“I can’t make that decision for you.”
“As a professional,” you insist. “Please.”
Jian closes his book, and sighs. “Honestly? I don’t think so. Not yet anyways.”
…of course. You were expecting this answer, but not the sting that comes with it.
“I think your friend has retaliated using a particularly sore spot for the both of you, and I think you’re, understandably, hurt by what she said. There’s an element of obsessive thoughts over this as well, and it’s not helping the situation. To the point where I’d personally consider going back now could be considered self-destructive behavior. I think it might be best to shelve the idea for now.”
You nod. Why were you expecting something else? You’re still broken after all. “I see. Thank you.”
"She's not here. I don't know what to tell you. Bye."
You hang up the phone with a sigh.
You’ve tried calling Mirabelle’s hostel seven times within the past two weeks, and she either isn’t there anymore or has her housemates fully informed on what’s going on. You still feel terrible, but what’s ironic is that she was the one calling Siffrin avoidant when she won’t even talk to you. Did you screw up that badly? She isn’t talking to Taeko either, according to her letters.
A knock at the door cuts through the April rain and takes your attention. You answer it with a smile. “Hey Louis!”
“Hi! Can I come in?”
“Of course.” You open the door a little wider, and eye a tray that he’s holding. “What’s that?”
“Broas. They’re amazing with tea.”
Tea! That’s right! “Oh crap, I gotta put the kettle on!” You scurry to the kitchen, listening to what you think is Louis giggling, and get the kettle going on the stove. “Feel free to set those on the coffee table.”
“Sure, but I thought you had a dog? Won't it get them?”
You perk up a little. She must’ve noticed the bed you got Moose sitting by the fireplace. “Robert has a dog,” you clarify with a chuckle, coming out to sit with her. “He comes over here when it sleeps over. I just have my herd of cats.”
As if on cue, you hear Jupiter chirp at your guest. “Aw, cute! Hi baby! What are their names?”
You list them off, and tell him the story of how Jupiter came to you on your doorstep and gave birth in your closet within days. “She’s a little princess, but she’s my princess.”
“They always are,” Louis chuckles, petting a greedy and purring Ganymede. “Reminds me of my daughter.”
“You have a little one?”
“Not so little anymore. Going on twelve now.”
“What’s her name?”
“…Ana. Sorry, I just remembered your town’s rules.”
You sigh with annoyance. “Yeah. Thankfully our little ‘problem’ is away at the moment. I was told we’re safe to talk about stuff inside buildings, but nobody really knows for sure.”
“‘Problem’?”
You almost don’t want to tell him about the Beast, but it would be cruel to deny a parent the opportunity to keep their child safe; you tell him everything you know about the monster and the woods it resides in.
She gapes. “Wow. That’s…a lot.”
“And whatever it is, it’s weirdly weak or powerful depending on the spot. It controls the language we speak twenty-four seven and certain words that come out of our mouths, but can’t control the woods all time.”
Louis takes a moment to ponder. “And it controls emotions, you said?”
You think about Roboro. “It can, but not very well. I think ‘emphasize’ is a better word for it.”
“So we can talk about our real names indoors? And our lives outside of this place?”
You nod with a smile. “I go by Loop at home.”
“Loop?”
“Loop.”
He tilts his head. “…why?”
You snort. “Long story. What about you?”
“Lakapati. And my daughter is Anagolay.”
“Those are pretty names!”
“Thank you,” she smiles. “So why Loop?”
You hear the tea kettle whistle in the distance, and sigh. “How much time do you have?”
And with a little more coaxing from Louis, you end up info-dumping everything you can remember from the last eleven years over at least two cups of tea and way too many cookies. You both sprawl around the living room, with you curled up on the comfy lounge chair and Louis criss-crossed on the couch. You suddenly realize that you’ve been speaking for way too long! You’re a terrible host! “I’m so sorry, I’m talking too much-”
“No, no! You’re all good,” Louis laughs. “I’ve heard some crazy backstories, but this is wild. So, to sum up, you asked your deity for help. You were given a time loop instead.”
You almost snort your tea. “In my defense, we would never have won against the King without it.”
“But still! Making someone with chronic memory issues need to remember what they’re doing in order to survive is a different kind of fucked up. And then you, understandably, lost your mind, gave up, and were sent to another time loop to help yourself. You got out of that one, finally, and instead of going back to your literal torture prison, you chose to come to safety. And then! One of your friends! Has the audacity! To say! That you should go back! Into the torture chamber!”
You can’t stop laughing at his delivery.
“Loop, what the fuck?”
You have to take a minute to calm down from how hard you’ve been cackling. Louis just grins.
“You have to admit that this is ridiculous.”
“Ugh, I know! Unfortunately it’s true,” you giggle.
“I will ask though, Shiva- sorry, Sam- told me that you and Robert come from the same place. Is it also…?”
You nod. “Different dimension, but similar story. It’s technically the clone of someone I considered my best friend.” Wow, that feels weird to say aloud. Even with their similarities, Roboro and Isabeau seem worlds apart to you in terms of…almost everything, actually. “I won’t divulge on its personal details though. I don’t know many of them myself.”
“Of course,” Louis nods respectfully. “But still. Yikes for both of you. How are you feeling?”
“Honestly? At first I was upset but now I’m just pissed. And confused. I never saw her as someone who’d say that kind of stuff in front of our other friends, y’know?”
“And you haven’t heard from her?”
“Not a word. I keep calling, but she’s either skipped town or has her roommates informed. I can’t get through to her at all.”
“What are we talking about?”
Roboro’s voice makes you jump. “I didn’t even hear you come in!”
“I heard laughing,” it chuckles, coming over you give you a kiss on the head. “Oh, hi again. Louis, right?”
She smiles warmly at them. “Mhm. Good to see you!”
“You too,” they nod before turning back to you and taking your hand. “I’ll be upstairs. You two have fun, okay?”
You feel your whole face light up, your chest aglow, when it quietly kisses your knuckles. “Okay. See you later.”
“See you.”
You wait until Rob’s up the stairs to turn back to your guest, who’s looking at you with a smirk. “What? What???”
He just giggles. “Such a gentleman. No wonder you’re whipped.”
Your cheeks burn, but you can’t stop smiling. “I am not!”
“You are too!”
You snicker like a child discussing a crush and hide your face behind your mug. “Nooooo,” you whine.
Louis just laughs. “Fiiine, I’ll be nice and change the subject.” She leans her head back and looks up at the corners of your ceiling. “…your home is beautiful. Why stars if you are one?”
“It’s part of my culture,” you smile. “That was…another complication with the loops. The reason my memory was so bad was because my home had been forgotten.”
He perks up. “Forgotten? How?”
So you tell him what you know about Craft, which leads into Wish Craft, then the fate of your country. Louis just quietly listens, nodding every now and then while looking at the carved details in your mantle.
“Your world is fascinating. Y’know that?”
You smile. “In comparison to here? I think I can understand that.”
She traces her finger over a carving of a shooting star on the wooden slab framing the fireplace. “I hope my house ends up looking something like this.”
“Full of stars?”
“Full of me. My culture, my home.”
“…is yours gone too?”
“I don’t know,” he admits. “It’s changed a lot. My islands were colonized, technology started to advance, and nothing’s really been the same since.”
Huh. You’d never thought about having to grieve a home you do remember. “What was it like?”
You sit and listen to Louis - no, Lakapati - talk about his home in Luzon, and find yourself having some things in common. You both chat about how your countries were more focused on trade and religion versus training for battle, and how that affected your childhoods. Apparently she’s always had a knack for growing things; feeding the people and protecting them from starvation was her biggest job. It’s a good conversation. You feel like you have a friend! Outside of your circle, too! Oddly enough, the thought makes you feel a little better, like you’re not a massive coward for not going back.
And then the dark creeps back in to call you disgusting and callous and manipulative all over again. Typical.
“What time is it?”
You check the clock ticking above the fireplace. “Almost five.”
“Shit, I gotta get home!” Louis stands and quickly assesses the cookie situation. “Do you want the rest of these?”
“Sure,” you giggle. “I’ll give the platter back to you tomorrow?”
“Perfect.” She grabs her purse and smiles warmly. “It was lovely chatting with you Loop.”
“You too,” you grin, standing to open the door for him. “I’d love to do this again sometime.”
“I’ll call you?”
You write out your number quickly on a napkin. “There!”
“Sweet. Have a good night!”
“Be safe!” You’re still smiling with a sigh after closing the door behind him, making sure he gets to the light in town before bolting it for the evening. Is Rob staying over tonight? Moose isn’t here, so you’re not sure.
You quietly wash the dishes, humming to yourself happily, and dry your hands to take the platter of cookies upstairs. “Rob? Louis left behind treats!” You open your bedroom door, noting the fireplace already going. “I figured you’d want…one…”
It takes you a good few seconds to realize exactly what you’re seeing. Several papers are scattered on the floor, surrounding Roboro sitting on the ground. It’s looking up at you with tears streaming down its face and a borderline terrified expression. “Loop.”
The letters.
“Loop, I didn’t mean-”
You are out of the room before you can think. Your brain wants you to bolt out of the house, but your feet steer you to the bathroom. You lock the door, set the cookies on the counter, and try to process what just happened.
Shame and embarrassment and betrayal seep through you as you look in the mirror. You…can’t breathe.
You can’t breath you can’t breathe you can’t breathe!!! Your heart beats in your ears as you begin to hyperventilate. Heaving whimpers escape you, no matter how hard you try to calm yourself. Your hand is clutching your chest and you can’t stop crying and you’re just trying to breathe normally but you can’t quite catch your breath-
“Loop!”
You jump with a squeak. You didn’t even hear it approach the door. “What do you want,” you croak.
“I…I…” You think you hear it slump to the floor. “I didn’t realize…I was looking for a mint in your drawer and I saw my name on the envelope. I should’ve left it alone. Sorry doesn’t cut it, but I am so sorry.”
You’re still shivering. When did you get so cold? But at least your breathing is evening out to the sound of its voice. “H-How far did you get?”
“I was on the last one when you caught me.”
Your gut sinks. “You must think…oh God.” You can’t even finish your sentence. A wave of nausea overcomes you. You rest your head between your knees and hope that those delicious broas don’t come back up. “I don’t know if I wanna know what you think of me now.”
Roboro is quiet for a heavy pause. “You’re not a monster for not wanting to go back.”
…what?
“Seedling’s Mirabelle was the one to ask me as well. And I thought I was ready, y’know? It had been a year. Managed to get home and tell the family the truth. I got everyone through the House on the first try. Broke the time loop. And then I kinda broke down."
It's not mad at you?
“Nothing had changed for almost twelve years, and suddenly my family was asking me questions I couldn’t answer. What was being stuck for that long like? Did I have new interests? New hobbies? New views on life? It was so overwhelming that I ended up just…not talking. Siffrin didn’t take it well. I sat them down after awhile and explained that it wasn’t personal, it was just a lot to handle. And he seemed to get it after that."
Oh, God- Universe- whatever, it isn't mad at you!!!
“But when we stopped traveling? Settled in our own corners of the world, with me back in Jouvente, alone? I…well, you saw how I got last winter. I didn’t sleep, didn’t eat. I stopped answering letters. Mirabelle had to pull me out of bed, much like you did. And that’s when she suggested I invite Siffrin to come live with me.”
You blink. Them being housemates wasn’t Rob’s idea? That’s a genuine surprise!
“Things got better over time, but it certainly wasn’t perfect. And then the plague happened, and…” Roboro sighs, its voice breaking. “My point is, I don’t want you to rush this. Even if you choose to stay there-”
“I’m not,” you quickly say. “Vaugarde was never home for me.” Close to it, enough for you to tell James that you’re from there for some reason, but still. “The idea alone is…well, I think you know already.”
You hear a huff of a laugh from behind the door, followed by a sniffle. “I don’t even know why I kept reading them. I guess curiosity got the best of me when I kept seeing my name at the top.” You’re still hurt that they touched the envelope at all, but you don’t think you blame them. “I should’ve stopped when they started getting more personal.”
“Yes, you should’ve,” you mumble. “Those were private.” You wipe your face clean. “I didn’t tell you for a reason.”
“How long have you been writing those for?”
“Before I moved. I’ve been feeling that way for longer though.”
“Do you know when…?”
You try to think. “It was gradual. I didn’t realize that’s what it was until you were staying in the hospital. The timing was really bad, so I kept quiet.”
Roboro doesn’t say anything for a long minute. You think you’ve really screwed up until he finally speaks again: “I thought I was the only one.”
A glimmer of hope sparks in your chest.
“I-I started feeling things after our night out. To see Phantom. I went home reprimanding myself for replacing Siffrin with you, but I’m not sure if Siffrin and I were ever like that.” You can hear its words getting caught in its throat. “But still. I treated you like garbage, and you…loved me?”
Your bottom lip quivers. “How could I not,” you almost laugh. “I fell for Isabeau while I was in the loops, admittedly. Then I went into Stardust’s loops, and my chest would hurt every time I looked at him. And eventually I realized that I could never love him like he wanted me to. He was an actor. ‘Isabeau’ didn’t feel tangible anymore, not when he was the same in every timeline I visited.” You feel your throat tighten. “But I never questioned my feelings about you. I was in denial for awhile, but it got a little too obvious pretty quickly. I…I know it’s selfish, but I always knew that I wanted to be in your life while I was here. No matter how I was in it.” You pick at your nails, the skin surrounding them raw from you chewing at them these past few weeks. “It really, really hurt when you pushed me away, in a way that I didn’t understand at the time. That was my first clue.”
You can hear it silently sobbing on the other side of the door. It must feel just about as conflicted about this mess as you do. “I didn’t know,” it whispers. “I should’ve just fucking asked.”
You…sigh. “Neither one of us were in a good place. I’m not even sure if I’m in a good place now,” you admit.
“With what Mirabelle said?”
You nod, even if Rob can’t see you through the door. “I can’t stop thinking about it. My brain just won’t let it go. And it doesn’t help that I haven’t been able to contact her.” You sniffle and wipe your face. “It doesn’t matter. It’s just…something I have to live with.”
“…can I come in?”
You unlock the bathroom door, and swing it open. Rob’s sitting against the wall beside it, its face as messy and wet as yours is.
“Hey.”
“Hey,” you whisper, scooting over to lean on the door frame next to it.
Rob opens its hand; you take it gently, letting your fingers come together like puzzle pieces. “I’m really sorry.”
“Me too.” You lift its fist and kiss each one of its knuckles.
“…I love you.”
You meet its eyes, and pause. They’re soft and wet and tired, looking perfect paired with its gentle smile. “You’re not just saying that? You mean it?”
It nods, reaching over to wipe your cheek. “I’ve been waiting for you for fifteen years,” it whispers. “I’ve had time to think it over.”
You laugh a little, more tears coming to your eyes. You…oh, stars, you’re sobbing all over again. You lean into its shoulder and let go of its hand to let it wrap an arm around you. “I l-love you too,” you gasp. “I don’t know w-why I’m crying.”
“You’re cold,” Rob comments. They hug you close and rub your back. “…your Isabeau never told you that, did he?”
You shake your head.
“Yeah, that’s probably it.” They sniffle in your hair with a sigh. “Feels nice to finally say.”
You chuckle. “Feels n-nice to hear.”
Roboro exhales a shaky breath. Is it crying too? You wonder if this feels just as cathartic for it as it is for you. “And here I was, wondering how I was going to tell you and if you’d even return my feelings.”
You almost guffaw. “What, did you have a speech or something?”
Rob goes quiet.
“Oh shit. You did, didn’t you?”
He just chuckles. “A little one. I wanted to write it out, but it looks like you did it for me. Why did you write those, anyways?”
You groan. “It was my therapist’s idea. I was really overwhelmed with everything I was taking on and my feelings were in the way instead of helping, so he suggested I write them down and burn them later.”
“I think you missed a step.”
You snort. “I’m still mad at you for that.”
“And rightfully so. I know I broke your trust, and I’m prepared to take time to repair it.”
You smile. “So responsible,” you tease.
“Yeah, it’s like I want to keep you or something.”
You both giggle as you wipe your faces and take a moment to calm down. “What would you have said to me?”
“I mean, back then I would’ve just…blown up, y’know? Said ‘I love you’ and gotten it over with.”
The two of you took a moment to move yourselves - and the cookies - to sit in front of the fire. Rob enjoys one before he talks, letting you lean on its shoulder.
“And I think I’d still do that, but maybe a little more toned down,” it chuckles. “…you’re one of my best friends. You’re fucking hilarious in ways that catch me off-guard sometimes, and you still set up bits, even if they aren’t puns, in such smart ways. And I love listening to you talk about the things you learn from books or work every day.”
You smile, a familiar warmth filling your cheeks. You toss a letter into the fire.
“I love your laugh, and your smile. I love how responsible you are, and it kills me to see how you feel like the world has to be on your shoulders.”
That stings. Honest, but true. You don’t know how to convince your brain otherwise. You nod, and toss another one.
“I love how kind you are, and how you try to lift up others around you. You always try to make the most out of a bad day. I love how you set up the kitchen when you cook, and how you clean when you’re stressed.”
You snort. Another goes in.
“You’re a great conversationalist. You ask good questions, and you’re curious about new things, and you really try to listen when someone is talking to you.”
A leftover from the loops. You don’t want to disassociate through every conversation you have again. Another.
“And you’re expressive! You laugh and you cry and you tell it how it is when shit gets hard and…you’re strong. You’re changing. And you’re trying to heal. I’m proud of you for that.”
You turn your head to face a smiling Roboro.
“I love you, Loop. All of you.”
Warmth fills your chest. “…I didn’t prepare a speech.”
Roboro, to your delight, bursts out laughing at your dry remark. “At least you’re honest.”
You grin, and take a moment to think. “…I love making you laugh, and how you make me laugh in turn. And I love our conversations too. I feel like I can tell you anything, and even if you judge me for it I know it’s because you care.”
It snorts.
“I love how you care so much for your people and your animals. You’ve always had a big heart, and I’m glad that didn’t go away with how much we’ve both suffered.” You put another letter into the fire. “You’re grumpy sometimes, but you’re never mean. And you can be stern, but I know it’s because you don’t want someone else to get hurt or make a mistake like you have.” You stare into the fire and let yourself smile. “I love how unapologetic you are about being smart. You’re more confident in your decisions. You know what you want, and you’re cautious but you go for it. I respect that.” You look over the last letter in your hand, the first one you ever wrote. “You love hard, with everything you have. You give your projects and your work and your relationships your all. You’re kind, and gentle, and a wonderful person.” You hear Rob sniffle a bit. You blink away tears, and look up at it once more. “I love you too. And I have for a long time. I’m really proud of you for not being scared to be yourself.”
Its crying again, but the gleam in its eye paired with the smile on its face could create world peace. Rob takes your hand and kisses your knuckles. “Thank you,” it whispers.
Your heart melts on the spot. You toss the final letter into the fire, turn to wipe Roboro’s tears away, and give it a soft kiss on the lips. “You’re welcome.”
Chapter 28
Notes:
NSFW warning! Enjoy the fluff while it lasts :)
Chapter Text
Roboro made it up to you through a rather thoughtful gift actually - a journal with a little lock and key. “So it doesn’t happen again,” it said, even if you know it would never invade your personal thoughts on purpose. Now you have a place to write whatever you want! But who to write to? Roboro still?
Rob,
You gave me this as an apology for reading my letters. I already love it. The paper is sturdy and the hardcover means I don’t need a table to write on. I can just scribble away in front of the fireplace with Jupiter at my feet. I still need to find homes for the kittens. I’ll put up an advertisement next week I think.
Onto what I wanted to write to you about: the nightmares are back at full force. Even when I’m in your arms, I wake up petrified. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve watched Bonnie get hurt. When you aren’t here, vomit is involved. It’s gotten to the point where Patricia is asking if I’m okay. Why aren’t my sleep meds working anymore? I have an appointment with Dr. Dillan tomorrow to talk about them. I’m not supposed to use them long term, but I’m taking over-the-counter stuff anyways. If I need something stronger to get me through this rough patch, then so be it.
On another topic, we have a date night coming up! I can’t believe April is already almost gone. We’ve still been doing sleepovers and get-togethers, but I think this is our third real date. Our last one was in February! Can you believe that? I need to get better about organizing them so you aren’t doing all the leg-work. What’s interesting is that you chose something I wouldn’t even think about us doing - Beltane! Apparently all the shops close for like two days and the community comes together to dance and celebrate the warm weather. Isabeau was never a dancer. Are you?
There are so many things I need to learn about you. Still love you though.
XOXO Loop
The first day of May kicks off with a cloudless sky, a slight wind chill, and a mental breakdown. “Loop, you’ve been in there forever, we’ve gotta go!”
“I know, I’m sorry, I just-” You look at yourself in Roboro’s bathroom mirror and sigh. You’ve been “off”, as Louis called it, all month long. There are bags growing under your eyes that you can no longer hide around your partner, who’s becoming increasingly worried over the whole thing, but that isn’t your current issue.
Right now, you’re just weirdly emotional over hiding your star.
You picked out a really cute top. Darkless cropped lace with little straps sits over a simple wireless bra underneath due to the heat, and a long flowy skirt covers your legs, but you can’t cover up your skin. The act of seeing your human flesh, the scar on your neck in particular, is making you nauseous. You’ve been trying to hide your stars like you’ve practiced a millions times but the shade change alone is curdling your blood.
“What? Are you okay?”
“I don’t know,” you sigh. You open the bathroom door. “I can’t cover my skin.”
Rob tilts its head.
“I just…I get nauseous and clammy and I hate that we have to cover our stars every single day.” You hug yourself and look at the floor. The natural color of your skin has traveled from your ankles to your calves with the season change, so it’s no effort to change your legs. “I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”
“What exactly do you want to keep covered?”
You don’t look up. “My neck.”
You feel a warm kiss in the crown of your hair. “Wait here.”
Rob’s sneakers walk off to its bedroom, urging your curiosity, but you obediently stay put. You two haven’t talked about your scar yet. You don’t ever want to.
It comes back with something in its hand. “Face the mirror and hold up your hair?”
You force yourself to do so. You haven’t particularly enjoyed looking in them as of late.
Rob takes a ribbon made of the sparkly fabric that was once your old dress, and carefully ties it around your neck in a choker-like fashion. It carefully snips the ends a little to make them look more even and clean, and stands back after it’s done. “There. Try now.”
You blink. Such a simple solution. Why didn’t you think of it? You attempt to turn your skin, and find no issues with how your stars turn to flesh. You smile softly. “Well done! And thank you.”
“Not a problem.” Rob bends down and kisses your bare shoulder, making you shudder. “I just want us to have fun today, y’know?”
You blush and lean into his chest. “Same.”
He wraps his arms around you and speckles kisses all along your neck and ear, his beard tickling you and making you laugh. “There’s my happy Loop-de-loop.”
You sigh with a smirk and look at it in the mirror, your face falling a little. “…I’m sorry I haven’t been a lot of fun.”
“You’ve had a lot to think about.” Another kiss, right over your pulse. “I hope this helps clear your mind.”
You hum and close your eyes. “Me too.”
Five seconds down the path towards town, and you already start to wish that you and Rob could see color.
Flowers and ribbons are on every pole and building in the entire town. They hang from the shop sign of Patty’s Pages and on the hooks by the windows of Clyde’s Coffee and Creations and wrap around the poles holding up Drew’s Diner. “Wow. Louis’s been busy.”
“It’s beautiful,” Rob commends. “Smells wonderful too.”
“Psst!”
You both turn to see James standing at the back door of the bakery with Sam, the two of them waving you over. “What’s up?”
“Hey, happy Beltane! We have presents.”
Rob cocks its head. “Presents?”
James grins before pulling out a pair of flower crowns. “Ta-da!”
You…snort. “I don’t think those will fit your head, dear,” you chuckle.
“I don’t think so either,” it flatly agrees.
“Oh c’mon,” Sam groans. “Louis tried to match them to your guys’ eye colors and everything.”
He did? “Oh, that’s sweet of him, but-”
“Dude, we can’t see color. Remember?”
You pout and gently kick its shoe.
“I mean, we’ll wear them, but still.”
“Just take the gesture asshole,” Sam teases. “Now bend down!”
Rob sighs, but obeys, and lets James puts a crown of ivy, lisianthus, and hydrangea on its head. “…okay, gonna be real man, it looks awesome on you.”
Sam gently places woven sunflowers, dandelions, and false indigo in your hair, helping you adjust your curls so it fits properly. “For sure. Your eyes are a little more amber, Luca, but still. Yellow’s your color.”
You have a color! You beam. “I feel pretty already.”
“You look like a bee,” James giggles. “Black skirt and all.”
Wait, what? Your brows scrunch. “But it’s my checkered skirt.” You love this one, actually. It looks like a grandma’s quilt with bits of embroidery here and there and flows like a dream. “I thought this one had the most shades. Is it actually black and white?”
“Yup. All shades of grey.”
You pout. “Well damn. I really did try.”
Rob looks at you up and down and smirks. “You do kinda look like a bee.”
“Oh, hush you!” You swat at its arm gently, earning you a grin and several snickers.
“While you’re here, have you two seen Louis around?” Sam actually looks a little nervous. “She said she was coming, but I haven’t seen her.”
“Oh, he might be getting Ana ready. Y’know kids,” you chuckle.
All three of them look at you like you’ve grown a second head. “…Louis has a kid?”
You blink. “Wait, none of you knew? He has a daughter. She’s like twelve, I think? Her name's Ana.”
Sam looks like he’s going to faint. “I’m…gonna go emotionally process this.”
“We’re gonna go emotionally process this,” James laughs. “You guys enjoy the Maypole. We’ll meet you later?”
“Sure,” Roboro says quickly before it redirects you with an arm around the shoulder at the same time that James pushes Sam into the back of the closed bakery.
You feel your torso lock up. “How badly did I just mess up?”
“Not too badly I think. Better late than never,” Rob sighs. “How long did you know?”
“Since…” You blush. “When she came over for tea. The night we confessed.”
It grunts in thought and squeezes your shoulder. “Yeah, I see why it didn’t get brought up earlier. Sam may have to process that though.”
You sigh. “I’ll have to apologize to both of them later.”
“Hey, don’t beat yourself up for it. We look cute, remember?”
“We do look cute,” you giggle. “I love the flowers he picked out for you.”
“I like yours too.” You watch its eyes lock with the dandelions in your hair. “…I wonder why…?”
“She was teasing me about you,” you grumble. “Probably rubbing it in. Apparently me loving you is noticeable to the moon.”
Rob’s chuckles rumble in your ear. “You’ve never been one for subtlety.” You both stop in front of a giant pole covered in long ribbons. “Is that…?”
“The Maypole, I think. Now how do we do this thing?”
Rob gives an unhelpful shrug. “Oh, Pat and Clyde are over there. Wanna ask?”
“Please!”
“Okay, so you see those ribbons? The idea is that there are two groups going opposite directions, over and under, to make a braid around the pole. There’s music to help with the speed, but sometimes thing one over here-” Hilariously, Patricia points to Dr. Dillan of all people sitting in the grass in normal day clothes and a flower crown, holding a flute of some kind. “-will collaborate with thing two on the bongos and will try to trick people with the beat.”
“Who’s thing two?”
“Me,” Clyde says sweetly.
“Oh goodie,” Rob responds with an eye roll.
“And since this is both of your first years doing this, they’re probably going to have some fun with you two.”
You groan. “Please reconsider before you have people falling like dominoes in front of me. It will happen.”
“Oh, Dillan will behave! No guarantees on me,” he chuckles. “Shall we begin?”
Before you get started, Patricia gives you both one last thing. “For good luck today,” she said. “And just because it’s fun.” A pair of bells on two ribbons, one for each of you, get tied around your ankle and Rob’s wrist. Because you can, you kick off your sandals by the shade and decide that dancing barefoot is the way to go.
“You guys ready?”
It’s weird to see all of the townsfolk in one place, full of smiles and laughter already. You haven’t met nearly all of them!
The beat of the drums and the whistle of a flute sets you off. Over, under, over, under, over, under you go! It’s fun! You smile the whole time, grinning to Rob whenever you encounter each other.
And then the drumming stops. You start to panic a little before you realize this is Clyde’s version of “behaving” and try to remember the beat in your head. Most people have stopped altogether. You follow suit.
And then the chaos really starts. “SWITCH!”
Switch!? Where!? You giggle with your neighbor, a man probably twice your age, as you trade groups.
“GO!”
It isn’t until the beat picks up again that you realize that it’s faster now! And you’re going the opposite direction! Over under over under over-
You don’t realize that you’ve almost run out of ribbon until you collide face-first with Rob’s chest with a squeal, giggling from the adrenaline.
“Are you okay?” Rob’s chuckling along with you! Cute!!!
You grin and nod and let yourself fall into its heartbeat, taking a minute to breathe in its arms. The sounds of laughter and applause fill your ears. You take a breath, and then another, and then another, the feeling of Rob’s chin on your head securing you to the ground. “That was fun,” you whisper.
“It was,” it whispers back.
To your delight, shortly after you helped your fellow locals tie the ribbons together to the base of the pole, Louis and Ana showed up with their own crowns and two large baskets of single flowers to hand out to the crowd. “Hi guys!”
“Hi Luca,” Louis responds nervously. “This is Ana.”
You chuckle. “I know, you told me about her.” You look down to meet lightless waves framing mid-shade skin and dark eyes. She kinda looks a bit like how you’d imagine an older Bonnie with longer hair, actually! “Nice to meet you.”
Ana blinks at you without a smile. “Nice to meet you too.” She rustles through her basket for a moment before pulling out a small, dark periwinkle. “Bend down please.”
“Oh, sure.” You obey without thinking and let her tuck it behind your ear. “Thank you!”
“You’re welcome.”
You stand up straight and turn to Rob. “How do I look?”
It takes a moment to blink before clearing its throat. “Y-You look lovely dear.” It’s expression is the same, but…oh, my, its face is turning the shade of the periwinkle in your hair! You giggle.
Ana bravely approaches Rob with that same blank face. “I have one for you too.”
It gives her a smile and kneels down for her to repeat the process with a darkless rose. “Thank you, little lady.”
You catch her eyes lighting up, and smile. You love how good it is with kids. You turn to Louis. “How are you?”
“…um.”
You cock your head. “Um?”
“I may have messed up.”
“How so?”
“I…” Louis sighs. “I didn’t tell Sam that I had a kid.”
…huh. You thought that you’d find out if Louis liked Sam at all during your hangout, but you think you just got more info in one sentence than you did that entire night. “Welp. You’re gonna be mad at me.”
He raises an eyebrow. “Wha-”
“Louis!” You whip around to see Sam and James jogging towards you, and watch it happen in real time; the way Sam’s eyes soften when he sees Ana makes your heart melt. He pauses in front of her with a smile. “You must be Ana.”
Her eyes are almost analytical with the way they look at him. “You’re Sam.”
“Correct.”
She takes a breath, digs through her basket, and pulls out a saffron flower to pair it with a few sprigs of lavender. “Kneel, please.”
Sam grins and, like a knight kneeling for his lady, lets her tuck the flowers behind his ear. “Thank you, ma’am!”
You see just a hint of a twinkle in her eye before the mask goes back on. “You’re welcome.”
Wow. Wow. And you thought Bonnie had trust issues, but like…yikes. Sam’s gonna have to work for this one. “She’s gonna be mean as hell to him, isn’t she,” you whisper.
“Ohhhh yeah,” she whispers back. “What happened?”
“I let it slip. Mentioned you both in passing. Sam’s been emotionally processing the entire Maypole dance.”
Louis…blinks. “I don’t know if that’s reassuring or not.”
“It probably isn’t. If you need to talk with Sam alone, I can hang out with Ana if she’s comfortable.”
“Yes please.”
Her quiet voice makes you jump. “Heavens above child, how long have you been there!?”
Thankfully, Ana just smiles a little while her parent laughs next to you. “Sorry. I sneak up on people. I’m okay with that if you are.”
…avoiding the question, huh? You think you might have to be more careful with your words around this one! “Rob, dear?”
Their head turns with their stone-solid face, but you see the utter joy in their eyes from hearing you say that. “Yes?”
“We’re stealing a kid!”
“Another one?”
After a giggle at Rob’s comment and some strange looks from Sam and Louis, the three of you make your way to a grassy patch of shade where you kicked off your shoes. You plop down and lean against the tree, watching Roboro get comfortable in the grass to lay back and rest its head on your lap. “So, Ana. How old are you?” You don’t care if you know the answer already. You don’t want to give her any impression that you’ve been talking about her behind her back.
“Eleven,” she says simply, fiddling with the flowers in her basket. “I turn twelve in the fall.”
“Almost a teenager,” Rob comments, melting into your thighs at the feeling of your fingers running through its hair. “That’s a big deal.”
She shrugs. “I’ll be immortal anyways. I’m not sure if it really matters.”
Whoa. You’ve never considered how a child deity would work in a world like this. “Can I ask a weird question? You don’t have to answer it.”
“Sure.”
You start to braid one of Roboro’s longer strands. “Do children of gods age like humans? Like, at a similar rate?”
Ana stops her fiddling, her eyes scrunching in thought. “I don’t know. I think it depends. I think I act like a human eleven-year-old, but I’m really not sure.”
Worth a shot! “I think you do. We’d know,” you chuckle.
That gets her attention. “Wait, you’re both human?”
“We were,” Rob explains, their eyes barely open. “But stuff happened and now we’re here.”
“I thought humans couldn’t enter this world.”
…you pause. Rob gives you a raised eyebrow before turning to look at her. “What do you mean?”
“They can’t find it. It’s some kind of block or something.” Ana starts to weave the flowers in her basket into a flower crown. “I think it’s a spell, but Protection Magic isn’t my forte. I just know that humans have to be let in by one of us, they can’t just waltz inside.”
Weird! You and Rob must’ve left your humanity back the time loops. That or the Universe plopped you here for this specific purpose in lieu of granting your last wish. “I had no idea.”
“Yeah, Amonwood is weird though. You guys act like you’re humans when you’re not.”
You look down at Rob with a concerned glance. “Well…there is a reason, but I don’t know if I should go into it without your parent here.”
“Maybe we can tell you later,” Rob offers.
Ana gives a hum of acknowledgment before going quiet again, hyperfixated on her work.
Something you’ve been wondering about pops into your head as you watch her work. “Sorry to keep bothering you, but what do colors look like?”
That question actually stops her from working with wide eyes. “…you can’t see any color?”
“None.”
“At all.”
“Mhm.”
“Me neither,” Rob smiles.
Ana’s shoulders shrink. “So it’s just…black and white and gray? All the time?”
Poor thing, she seems really bummed about this! “It’s just our world, from what I’m understanding. None of us from our home planet know what colors even are.”
Her jaw drops. “That’s insane!”
You grin. “It’s our normal.”
“Does baba know?”
“Not explicitly? We haven’t gone into details.”
Ana’s eyes fall to your collective flower crowns and frown. “Man. That sucks.”
You shrug. “I’ve never seen it. Are they pretty?”
“So pretty.” Ana, to your delight, scoots closer to you and Rob to show you her flower crown and points to a dark rose. “So what do you see? Just versions of gray, or…?”
“We call them something else. Shades.”
Ana nods, a determined look in her eye. “This one’s ‘red’. It’s supposed to stand for love and passion and whatever, but it’s also anger and violence. There was a weird patch of it in the sky last summer, but it was gone within the day.”
You. Freeze. “What did it look like?”
“Like a crack, I think? Baba told me I couldn’t go outside that day.”
Rob blinks its eyes open. “Actually, I remember that. I couldn’t place what it was, but Patricia and Clyde weren’t panicking about it. I figured it just…happened here, sometimes. And then you came along in, what, July…?” You can almost hear it putting the pieces together in its head.
Sun, moon, and stars above, Siffrin almost broke the entire Universe that day!? How are you just now hearing about this!? “That sounds insane.”
“Ana!”
You all turn to see Louis, Sam, and James coming up the hillside. “Hi guys!”
“Hi Luca,” Sam chuckles, looking down at your lap. “Comfy?”
“Very,” Rob answers, playing off your earlier conversation perfectly. “What’s up?”
James holds up a pair of paper plates. “Lunch!”
The six of you all get comfortable in the grass and chat amongst yourselves with you leaning on Roboro while coaxing Ana out of her shell again by letting her braid your hair with ribbon. She reminds you of Bonnie in little ways. She has all of her teeth, but their smiles would be identical if standing next to each other. Her eyes are inquisitive, curious, but dimmed with reality. You wonder if Rob feels similarly, especially with how his Bonnie was ripped away from him too soon.
Your chest aches as you force yourself to smile. You miss your kid.
“Oh, they’re building a bonfire by the lake, by the way.”
You raise an eyebrow at Sam’s statement. “It’s barely the afternoon. Why?”
“Beltane is technically a fire festival. Plus, all of us are old,” he chuckles. “The kids jump over it for good luck, it’s put out, we go home. And then the couples frolic in the woods, or at least they used to, after dark for good ol’ traditional rituals.”
Traditional ritu- oh. “Gross.”
Rob just snickers. “Not into that, huh?”
You squint in judgment. “Not a kid convo.”
“I’m older than you,” Ana shoots back.
Rob bursts out laughing. “You are not,” Louis sighs.
“I will be one day,” she mutters under her breath, causing you to snicker.
“Oh, that’s just dark.”
“It’s true. Luca already told me that they aren’t immortal.”
James nearly chokes on his salad. “Huh?”
You and Roboro share a look.
“…sorry.”
Ana’s quiet voice makes you spin. She’s shrunken in herself all over again, eyes to the grass. “Oh, no, you’re okay kiddo. C’mere.”
Ana sits between you and Louis, leaning on her parent’s shoulder while Sam gives James a look. “You didn’t know?”
“No, dude, nobody tells me anything around here! Luca, you’re human?”
“Not anymore,” Rob replies with its stone serious face. “They’re like me.”
“Oh.” James shoulders fall a little. He must know what happened to Roboro too. “I see.”
You look down at your meal of strawberry basil salad, honey cake, and cheeses of various kinds. “We don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to, but I can answer any questions you guys have.”
Sam and James share a glance. “Well…we noticed you and Rob kinda already knew each other when you first met. What’s up with that?”
You inhale and look at Roboro. “How much can I spill?”
“As much as you are willing to explain,” it chuckles.
You giggle and offer some of Rob’s cheese to Ana, who takes it with a small thanks. “Did Rob ever tell you two about a Siffrin?”
Sam’s eyes widen. “…no. No!” He gapes at Rob. “No way dude!”
“I’m not exactly him,” you laugh. “Not Rob’s Siffrin, anyways.”
James eyes narrow. “What.”
“You’re gonna wanna relax,” Louis giggles. “It’s kind of insane.”
You take a deep breath, and explain to the two of them the same thing you divulged to Louis a few weeks ago.
“And yet another thing I get to emotionally process when I get home,” Sam sighs when you’re done, walking along with everyone towards the fire by the lake.
“Welcome to my life,” you respond flatly while munching on your leftover cake. “You can imagine my surprise when Rob walked into the bookstore after I thought I left it behind in another dimension.”
“In my defense, I thought I was literally hallucinating until Patricia started talking to me and was working around you.”
You snort. “That had to be traumatizing.”
“Only a little.”
You and crew giggle while Rob smiles at you. You keep catching it looking at you today. Ana’s voice draws your attention for just a moment; “There it is!”
Out in the distance, you see it: a low flame surrounded by a few people. Some are children, running and laughing in the water. You can feel yourself getting tired with how much activity you’ve had within the span of a few hours. You give Rob a coy smile. “Wanna jump it?”
Rob’s eyes grow nervous. “That’s not safe.”
“Dude, there’s a lake right there,” Sam laughs. “We’ll just shove you in if one of you catches on fire.”
It snorts. “Fair enough.”
You throw your empty plates into the fire, listening to the extra pops and crackles with a smile, and tie up your skirt so nothing gets caught. You kick off your sandals once more and pick them up. “Ana, would you do me a big favor and hold these for me?”
She takes them and- she gave you a smile!!! “Sure.”
You grin. “Thanks kiddo.” You pass them off and position yourself in front of the fire. “So, what do we do? Just jump over it, or…?”
“Yep,” Sam smiles. “For good luck. It’s just a superstition, but it sure is fun!”
“You and I have very different ideas of fun,” Louis chuckles.
“Can I jump over the fire, baba?”
“No.”
You and Rob chuckle at the legendary pout on her face.
“You’re not tall enough yet, so you’re more likely to catch the flames. When you’re older, okay?”
Ana sighs in defeat. “Okay.”
Rob takes your hand. “On three.”
You grin, shaking your spare hand out from a rush of nerves. “One.”
Rob smiles back, bracing itself. “Two.”
You follow suit. “Three!”
The pair of you bolt, giggling the entire time, and jump over the flames as high as you can. You land on a rock, and-
You trip and roll forward, pulling Roboro down with you. The sound of your own cackling takes the air out of your lungs. “I’m so sorry!”
Rob just laughs along with you, quickly checking to see if you’re on fire. “We’re good. You okay?”
You take a second to breathe, a smile on your face. “I landed wrong.”
Its face shifts to one of concern immediately as it sits up. “Are you hurt?”
You shift and attempt to stand before promptly wincing and collapsing again. “God damn it.”
Rob carefully helps you balance on one leg, looking at your friends. “I think we might be done for the day.”
“I’m fine,” you huff. “It’s just a tweak.”
“You can barely put any weight on it. You need ice.”
You roll your eyes. “I don’t want to ruin their fun!”
“It’s okay, Lu,” Louis chuckles. “You guys looked like you were enjoying yourselves. That’s enough for me.”
“Do you need help getting back?”
You shake your head at James. “We’ll yell if we need you.”
“Are you sure? You-”
“James.” Rob’s voice gives you chills that make your stomach clench.
“Okay, okay!” He backs up. “Sorry. I just saw the landing and it looked pretty extreme.”
…James isn’t smiling for once, which makes you wonder if it’s actually as bad as Rob is thinking. “They said we’d yell.”
“Okay,” he sighs. “Good luck?”
“Thanks man.” Rob fist bumps him and Sam with a small smile. You wonder if today is the most expressive Rob’s been around these two as you take your shoes back from Ana. “See you at work Saturday?”
“See you!”
Rob swung you up in its arms the minute you two were out of eyesight from your friends, making the bell on your bad ankle jingle. It takes a shortcut through the edge of the forest, hopping over the stream rushing into the lake with stones that you can tell it uses often. “Since we’re alone now…”
You smirk and nuzzle your lips into its neck. “Hi.”
Its whole body tenses up, its face going dark. “L-Loop, we’re in public!”
“You just said we’re alone,” you tease, recalling what Sam said about the woods earlier. “Besides, nobody’s going to bother us. ‘specially today.”
You watch its throat bob. “Fertility holiday. Right. I thought that you said sex was gross?”
“It is gross, but I’m tempted to give it a shot.”
Rob slows its walk. “What do you mean?”
“I…” You breathe against its hot skin, and try to think. “My body wants it. And I’ve never needed it, but…I do want to try. Sometime. Maybe.”
“Why?”
Because you trust it. You know that it wouldn’t hurt you unless you asked it to. Plus, there are some nights where it’s brushing its teeth without a shirt on, or cooking dinner with its hair down, or kissing you like you’re the air it breathes, and you just want to take its clothes off and earn the dirtiest noises from it through whatever means possible and make it feel good.
And if your head got too loud and you asked Roboro to stop, it would do it without question.
“I…think I’d like it if it was you.”
You can practically feel the steam coming out of its ears as it picks up the pace.
“…Rob? You good?”
“Yup,” it squeaks. “I’m good. Great. Awesome, even.”
You snicker, letting your teeth graze its neck. “I love you.”
Their arms shake. “I-I love you too.”
You let your lips pepper its pulse with kisses, waiting until its about to lift you up your porch steps to lick the salt off its skin and blow gently on the spot.
And to your delight, they gasp. “Can you get the door?” You reach out with your free hand and turn the knob, swinging it open, only for it to quickly step inside and shut it with its foot. You barely make it down the hall before it sets you down and starts to kiss you like it needs your taste to stay alive.
Tongue and teeth kick your disguises off, its hair quickly replaced with petals and yours glowing brighter than your fireplace. You struggle to stand on one foot until Rob breaks away to lift you by your thighs and pin you the wall with its body. Your movements become a blur. Your hands are in its leaves and your hips are grinding against each other and your teeth are biting its neck. Flower petals from your crowns scatter around you as yours falls to the side and Rob’s hair begins to glow with pollen.
“L-Loop,” it hums. “Please.”
You smile against its skin. “Please what?”
It bends down and kisses your ear. “Let me take over?”
…it has a plan? It thought about this too??? Oh, hell yeah! You lift your head up with a smile. “Of course.”
Rob smirks and kisses you with such tenderness that you can’t help but melt in its arms. You follow its lead, letting it gently kiss down your neck and sighing when it suckles at your skin. “Gonna set you down for a sec, ‘kay?”
You carefully let your good foot carry your weight and your other one hang, using Rob as a grip while they travel down your body. They pause at your star, giving a gentle kiss and a lick- woohohohohoo, still sensitive~! You have to bite your lip to hold back an outright moan, but something raw and high-pitched still manages to hum through.
But Roboro takes that as an invitation to keep going. Sucking on the area makes you crack open, a whimper escaping you. Your gut turns and your core quakes with arousal when you feel its hand slowly start to slide up your ankle and under your skirt.
This is happening this is happening this is really blinding happening holy Universe you’re so scared and you kinda want to run but you can’t move and a part of you has been dying to subdue this curiosity you have and- stars above it’s lifting your legs to rest on its shoulders and is lifting your skirt up you could scream!!!
“If I recall,” Rob says, kissing your stomach through the fabric, “one of your letters mentioned a little fantasy of yours.”
…it did read that, didn’t it? You feel your face burn.
Rob just smirks up at you through thick lashes and long petals. “The one where I’m on my knees while you wear the one dress I looked at?”
All you can do is nod, hiding your embarrassed smile with a hand.
“All I wanted to do, on that day-” It pulls back your skirt to reveal simple undies, placing a kiss on the top, and whispers its confession through the fabric. “-was pull the string.”
You bite your lip. Your heartbeat throbs right where Rob is breathing. “Really?”
“Mhm.” He finds the edge of the lining and uses a combination of fingers and teeth to pull them off, ducking under to let them fall to your ankles. “Can I show you what I wanted to do?”
Last chance to back out, to run, to never have to be in this vulnerable of a position again. “Please,” you whisper back, almost desperately.
It smiles up at you. “We can stop at any time.”
“Okay.”
“I mean it.”
“Okay.”
“Promise you’ll tell me if you want to stop.”
“I promise.”
“Because it’s okay if-”
You’re gonna strangle him with your thighs. "Roboro.”
“Okay, okay,” it chuckles. “Just making sure.” Its head dips and-
Oh! Its tongue is right there. You can’t help but give a long moan at the feeling of it closing your lips around your clit.
Their tongue flicks and curls and oh Universe they were not kidding when they told you that they’d thought about doing this to you. You feel your eyes roll into the back of your head. Your fingers latch onto their petals, knocking their crown off to the side, and tense whenever they hit a particularly sensitive spot. Occasionally it peers up at you with half-lidded eyes, watching how you react to each stroke.
And it’s lovely, but you’re not sure if it’s what you want. “R-Rob?”
“Hm?” It pauses.
You can’t believe you’re about to ask this. “Can you go…lower?”
You swear you see its eyes light up. “Can I?”
You giggle. “I’m asking, aren’t I?”
Even with a grin on its face, it hesitates. Rob slowly kisses downward until you feel its tongue slip inside. It feels wet and a little gross and blinding perfect.
You buck your hips with a gasp, and the growl of a groan that comes out of Rob makes your whole body shudder.
It liked that?!
You carefully grind into its face with its nose pressing against your nerves and its tongue in your slit. So good, so good, so good. Your eyes roll to the back of your head, completely lost in pleasure. “Please,” you whimper. “J-Just like that. God, just like that!” It’s all so overwhelming that you barely register the rolling build-up in your loins, and before you know it, you’re mindlessly humming Roboro’s name under your breath. With how much is going on in your body, you find that your head is clear and quiet. “Fuck, fuck, fuck, I love you, I love you, I- I- I-!”
And then you suddenly feel the build-up get much more intense all too quickly.
You don’t even get the opportunity to warn Rob before your orgasm rips through you. Your toes curl and you grip its flower and you don’t make a sound as your entire body tenses up until you inhale and exhale a series of moans. Even when your spine begins to curve and thrash you against the wall, Roboro keeps going, keeps working you through it until your body finally stops spasming.
Whoa. Whoa. That was a lot. You need a minute, and so does Rob from the sound of its panting and how its head is resting on your inner thigh with its eyes closed. You relax your grip and flex your fingers, leaning back and closing your eyes. “You okay,” you hear.
You try to make normal words come out, but all you can make are a few strangled attempts before you two burst out giggling.
“That great, huh?”
You nod, eyes still closed. “I…I think I’m done.” A wave of exhaustion hits you. “I’m sorry. I’ll pay you back another day.”
“You don’t have to do anything, love.” You feel a kiss on your thigh. “That looked very fun.”
It sure was, but you’re wiped. You crinkle your nose when cold air hits your wet thighs and crotch. “I feel gross.”
“Aw,” Rob hums. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to-”
“No, no, it’s not you! We’ve just…” You catch your breath. “We’ve been outside all day, and then we came home and did this, and I…” Be brave, be brave, be brave. “Can we share a shower? No strings attached. Just a shower.”
The look Rob gives you makes you want to melt into a puddle. “Of course, love. Can you stand?”
It turns out that you really, really like sharing showers with Roboro, and that helps a lot considering you kinda need a brace since you can’t put all your weight on your foot just yet.
You unwind about your day together and scrub each others’ hair and bodies. You trace Rob’s scars and they thumb over yours. You make each other laugh with accidental tickles and pick the leftovers of your flower crowns from your heads. It’s vulnerable without being sexual in the slightest. You’re heavy and floating and perfectly balanced all at the same time.
Rob brings you a long nightgown to get dressed in while you dry off on the toilet seat and put your hair in a towel. “Warm?”
You nod. Your face is on fire. You could honestly try paying it back tonight, but you think you’d fall asleep. “Thank you for your help.”
“Of course.” Rob gives you a kiss before pulling on some boxers and stretching out with a yawn. “…we still need to have dinner.”
Stars, you forgot. You snort. “I have leftover pernil with rice?”
“Deal. I’ll be right back.”
You wiggle on your nightgown and let it swish to your feet with a giggle. You really did miss wearing dresses while you were stuck in the House.
…the House. You sigh. Even with how lovely today was, you can’t stop thinking about what Mirabelle said to you. You’re brushing your curls and plaiting it over your shoulder when Rob brings up two steaming plates of pork shoulder.
“Loop? You okay?”
You blink. “Yeah, why?”
“You look out of it.”
“Oh, just lost in thought.”
The sky is red.
You have a name for it now; the shade in the crack when the world was breaking that felt visceral and violent and terrifying was the color red. You’re looking at it now at you stand in front of the House.
The doors are open. Your old family is running to you. And they’re calling you by your real name.
“Loop! We need your help, we-” Odile freezes over, halfway down the hall where the others leave her behind.
“Loop, please, we’re trapped-” There goes Mira.
“Lu! Buddy! Get us out-” Isa.
But Bonnie. Bonnie is still running to you, running to your open arms. They look terrified. Their leg freezes first, tripping them. You try to meet them halfway, but you only get far enough to see them look up at you with tears and snot dripping down their face:
“Lulu. Help.”
You shoot awake with a gasp right as you watch Bonnie’s face freeze over. Rob’s already up, arms around your shoulders and rubbing them softly. “It’s okay, you’re okay, you’re here,” you hear it whisper, like it’s trying to convince itself that you’re alright.
Your whole body is shaking. Your star is blinking like you’re slowing down from running a marathon. Tears are already forming in your eyes. You try to breathe but it’s stuck in your throat and tears are streaming down your cheeks before you know it.
Rob gently pulls you into its embrace, letting you cry it out. You curl in and feel yourself slowly calm down. Its fingers are stroking your head. It’s breathing deeply, in and out. You follow suit with the occasional sniffle. “Better?”
You nod and wipe your face. “That was a new one,” you mutter.
“Your family?”
“Mhm. They were calling for help. They’ve never done that before.”
Roboro deflates around you with a sigh. “I’m sorry, love.”
“…am I gonna have to go back? To get rid of these nightmares again?”
Rob goes quiet and stiff. “We’ll talk about it in the morning,” it responds gruffly.
You frown. “I didn’t mean-”
“No, no,” it mutters. “I know. It’s okay. I understand the feeling.” Rob lazily kisses your face. “In the morning. Over breakfast. ‘kay?”
You slowly nod again. “Okay,” you whisper, working your way back down onto the bed with it. “I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be. Love you, Lu.”
You curl up with Rob with a sinking feeling in your gut. “I love you too, darling.”
Chapter 29
Notes:
TW: loooooootta self hate in this one.
Chapter Text
You wake up to the smell of coffee and pancakes.
And by the Universe, if this was any other morning you’d be happy as a clam. You’d stretch out in bed and lay in the sun and thank every star in the sky that you’d been blessed with such a wonderful partner.
But as you hear Rob walk up the stairs and watch it come inside, you know from the look on its face and the circles under its eyes that it can’t stop thinking about it either.
“You too?”
It nods silently.
You sit up properly and roll your aching shoulders. It doesn’t speak as it brings the tray of goodies to your bed and sits across from you. You’re almost thankful that you sucked it up and bought a little moka pot to make yourself a decadent cup every now and then with the ground beans Rob gifted you awhile ago. You hum at the bitter taste elevated by a spoonful of sugar and warm milk. “It’s really good,” you smile.
It grunts with a nod. “Do you remember last night at all?”
You sigh. “Unfortunately.” You watch Rob pick at its pancake covered in apple chunks cooked in butter and sugar. “…how would we do it?”
“Hm?”
“If I were to go back. Not to stay, just long enough to break the loops and fulfill my wish.”
“What was your wish?”
“To…” You breathe, in and out. Shame floods you. You can’t even look it in the eye as your voice cracks. “To stay with them.”
Roboro says nothing for a good while. It takes a long sip of coffee. “Why?”
You want to cry all over again. “They were the closest thing to family I had. And I know it was stupid to wish for that, but-”
“Hey. None of that. No self blame allowed.” Rob takes your hand. “I…” It sighs. “I have an idea of how you could do it.”
You perk up, but not before you catch it almost wincing at your hope.
“I have the scissors. You could take Bonnie home together, after you get out. Would that fulfill the wish?”
...yeah! Yeah, that sounds right! You nod, trying to hide your excitement. “That could work. What about here, though? Would time pass the same, even if I’m in the time loop?”
“I think so, yes. That could be an issue.”
Oof. Okay. You can work with that, though. “Will you help? I don’t need you to come with me, but-”
“Of course.”
Your first instinct is to thank it profusely, but you pause at the look in its eyes. You can’t quite place what emotion is going through its head right now, but…you squeeze its hand, just in case it’s something closer to fear. “I’ll plan it out to hell and back.”
“I know.”
“And I may have to ask you for help a lot.”
You catch it blinking tears away. “God, I hope you do.”
You softly kiss its knuckles. “Thank you. I…I’m sorry.”
Rob just nods. “Don't be.”
Your first step was to ask Patricia for as much time off you could get in one setting, which was about two weeks off starting the last week of May, while you fibbed about finding good travel-related coupons at the library for a city a few hours out. “Just to get away for a bit,” you lied. “I’m curious as to what the rest of this planet looks like.” And you must’ve either been rather convincing, or Patricia overheard your conversation with James awhile ago regarding how you used to be a traveler, because she doesn’t even question you.
You feel awful for lying of course, but you really don’t think she’d agree to this plan that you have. A sinking feeling in your gut tells you that Roboro doesn’t either. However, you agreed to trust each other more and communicate your feelings, so you try to trust him.
Key word: try.
“How soon?”
You sip on a glass of lemonade and sigh at the refreshing taste. “End of the month. Two weeks long. If I don’t end up breaking the loop by then, then I’ll come back and regroup.”
Roboro hasn’t even taken a sip. “That’s in less than three weeks from now!”
You nod. “I know. I promise I’m not trying to rush this, I just…” You want to sleep. Your dark circles are back and you can feel the exhaustion piling on and you just want to blinding rest without another fit of nightmares keeping you up. You’ve started napping during the day after work to try and catch up so you don’t have to sleep as much at night. That’s how Roboro and Moose found you today, actually; you woke up to a legendary case of puppy breath and two pairs of worried eyes while you were curled up on the couch with the cats piled on your chest. “…I just want this done.”
Its shoulders fall. You know it’s angry, deep in your heart, your veins, your blood, but you’re not sure if it’s angry at you or the situation you’ve been thrown into all over again. “I know,” it whispers. It takes your hand across the table and kisses your knuckles. “I’m just scared for you.”
“I’m scared too,” you admit. “Can we start planning? Not extensively. Just enough for us to relax a little?”
You were expecting Jian to be disappointed in you over this, but it still hurts to watch the look on his face when you tell him. “You know this isn’t a good idea, right?”
You sigh. “Yeah, I know. I can’t think of any other way to stop the nightmares though. I’ve been doing therapy since what, December? January? I’ve taken my medication religiously. I know that they were triggered by Mira’s conversation, but it’s been over a month and they’re not going away. Something has to give.”
“But that doesn’t mean you have to sacrifice yourself over it. Have you been in contact with her since?”
You shake your head. “I’ve been trying to call her hostel for weeks and I never get her. I don’t even know if she’s in town.”
Jian nods, not looking up as he writes on his clipboard. “It sounds like you’ve been making a good effort to reconnect.”
“Probably too much of one,” you sigh, looking down at your shoes. “I think I might be pushing her away at this point.”
“Why is it so important that you fix this?”
You peek up to see Jian looking directly at you, a pause in his pen. “…so it can be done and over with,” you sigh. “I’m not mad at her, but I am worried. She hasn’t spoken to any of us since that night.”
Jian nods. “Would you still go if you never had this fight?”
You…wait. “What?”
“Go close the loop, I mean.”
“No, I got that. Why is that important?”
“Just curious.”
You feel a twisting in your gut as you realize the answer: “Not now.”
“No?”
You shake your head. “But she had a good point, and I need to make this right.”
“Why?”
You raise an eyebrow. “Because it’s the right thing to do?”
“But it’s hurting you.”
You sigh. You knew he wouldn’t understand. “It will hurt less when it’s over and done with.”
“Will it?”
You don’t know. You hadn’t considered it. You shrug.
Jian clicks his pen and writes something else down. “How does your partner feel about it?”
“It’s hesitant for sure. I don’t think it wants me to go, but it hasn’t stopped me.”
He pauses. “Is there a chance that it won’t say anything to you because it doesn’t want to hurt your feelings?”
…uh oh. Guilt makes its home in your chest. “I-It’s helping,” you side-step. “We’re making a plan together. All it asked of me was that I don’t do this alone, especially with the memory issues. It knows I have to do this.”
“Does it?”
Your brows scrunch.
“Or are they scared?”
You feel your hands ball into fists. “He would tell me if he didn’t want me to go.”
“Can you say that for certain?”
Why is he pushing this? Can’t he see that nobody wants to be in this situation, that you have to do this for your family and for Vaugarde, that everyone around you knows that you don’t have a choice? “It’s actively helping me,” you finally say after a moment. “It wouldn’t do that if it wanted me to fail or stay.”
You watch Jian try not to show how deep of a frustrated breath he’s taking. “What if you did fail?”
That takes you off-guard. “What?”
“What if you did? Walk me through what would happen.”
You try to think. “The time loop wouldn’t be broken. My old family would still be trapped inside. Nothing would be fixed.” Your gut sinks. “And I…I…” Shame seeps into your pores. “I would leave. And try again the next time I could.”
Jian nods. “…can you do me a favor?”
You try to meet his eyes.
“Don’t destroy yourself over this.”
And you want to argue. You want to fight and scream with him until you can beat it into his head that this is important, that you were supposed to do this right the first time around, that this is your mess to fix, but you don’t. You take a deep breath, and swim in the fact that you feel like a garbage person for even wanting to try. “Okay.”
You still feel terrible by the time you get home.
You kick off your shoes and force yourself into the kitchen. With the farmer’s market open again, you have more fresh fruits and veggies in your fridge. You don’t want to eat anything, but you need to keep your hands busy. You boil pearl couscous in bone broth and roast pine nuts and simmer black olives with sun-dried tomatoes, garlic, and shallots in a sauce with more broth.
Rob and Moose come in the door with a knock by the time you’re all finished, about fifteen minutes later. “Hi love. That smells good.”
You can tell something’s off by its quiet tone, but you give the dog scritchies anyways. “It does. How are you?”
Rob gives you a tired smile and kisses your head. “I’m okay. What about you? How was therapy?”
You huff, stirring your couscous and plating a serving. “Not great, but it did give me some good questions.”
“Oh?” It sets down its overnight pack onto the counter. “Do you wanna talk about it?”
You pass over its serving. “No, but I think I need to.”
They watch you plate your portion with a smile. “Lay it on me.”
You breathe, in and out, before turning off the stove. “Do you have any…concerns? About me going back?”
Rob freezes.
“And I mean anything. Even if it’s brutally honest, or something stupid. I wanna hear it.”
It blinks. You watch it stir its bowl, leaning against the counter as it looks down at its food. Its shoulders finally fall. “I’m scared you’ll choose to not come back,” it responds quietly.
Oh! Oh, that’s… “That thought never even crossed me. I’m coming back here, no matter what.”
“You could change your mind.”
“I could, but I’d never abandon you.” Your voice cracks at the hypocrisy.
You watch their face twist before it clicks back into its stony place. “…is that what you think you’d be doing?”
“Isn’t it?” You’re fine. Don’t cry.
He slowly sets down his bowl. “Love, no matter what you choose, I want you to be happy, I…is that what you think you did?”
You gaze down at your food. Why isn’t it getting emotional? Why are you getting emotional!? This is supposed to be about Rob! Why can’t you just let it be about Rob!?
He takes your food and puts it on the counter next to you. “Loop. Look at me.”
You roughly wipe your tears away in frustration before obeying, but the concern in its features just makes your eyes water more. He gently holds your face.
“You didn’t abandon them.”
But you did.
“What Mira said was completely uncalled for-”
But she was right.
“-and I’m so sorry that she hurt you, but please know that what she said isn’t true. It’s never been true. You were just trying to survive.”
You were weak.
“We were stuck in there for over a decade.” Its voice cracks again, barely a whisper now, after a heavy pause. “Lu, say something.”
And you try, but all that comes out is a quiet, pathetic sob. You lean into its touch and let it wipe your tears away. “I don’t want to go,” you whisper. “If I could just stay here and never go back again, I would. A-And I know that makes me selfish, but-”
“No, no.” Roboro holds you close and lets you cling to its shirt. “We were surviving. You’re walking back into possibly the most traumatic event of your life to fix something that was never your fault.”
“But I made the wish.”
“You didn’t know-”
“I made all of them.”
Rob pauses. “What do you mean?”
“Every wish that happened in anyone else’s timelines would’ve had to have been taught by a Siffrin.”
You hear a tired sigh. “Sweetheart, you can’t do that to yourself.”
“It’s true.”
“…maybe so. But you didn’t do that. And my Siffrin never taught me.”
You sniffle. “Then how…?”
“I watched. I used to watch all of you guys, but mostly Sif. Crush aside, I had always been curious about where he was from and what he was really like. And then I saw them at the Favor Tree, and I copied what they did.”
…oh. He…Isabeau got trapped because he loved a version of you too much?
“I wanted something to talk to them about, y’know? And lo and behold…”
You feel sick to your stomach. “I’m still sorry.”
“It wasn’t you,” it reassures. “It was never your fault. And I’m so sorry if Mirabelle, or any of us, ever made you feel that way.”
You’re quiet at that. You know Rob and Taeko would be truly sorry, but Mira? “Thank you,” you whisper, not quite believing its words.
You spend the rest of the night holding each other close; you listening to its heartbeat and try to believe that you could stop now and reassess this entire idea while Rob strokes your hair and whispers stories of how it poorly handled going back to its own loops. You wonder if you could walk away from all of it, never go back, and have Roboro not think any less of you.
But you know better. And you could never do that to your family, no matter how much you want to.
Internal drama aside, what Rob told you does explain its recent behavior. More depressed, more closed off, but still physically clingy to you. Of course it’s afraid of losing you too. You would feel the same way.
“So,” Taeko says. “You’re really doing this, huh?”
A week after your conversation, you find yourself sitting in Taeko’s bathroom next to a pair of scissors. “I am. Roboro is helping me.”
“Is it going with you?”
“It wanted to, but I’d rather not waste time explaining everything that’s happened so far to my old family. Especially if I have to do it more than once.”
“Are you going to tell them anything?”
“I haven’t decided yet. I might have to tell them some things, especially to Odile. I won’t get past her without her getting suspicious.”
Taeko snorts and brushes out your wet hair. “I’m flattered.”
You shrug. “She was always the one who asked me if something was wrong first. I know she’ll try to make me talk.”
You cringe at the sound of the scissors shearing your hair. You feel light and wrong all at the same time. “Well, if there’s anything I know about her, it’s that she’s not going to stop until she gets all the information she can out of you.”
So either you’ll have to choose your words carefully, or you’ll just have to tell her everything. Fun. You sigh. “I’m so screwed.”
“You might be, yes.”
The two of you giggle quietly before your face falls all over again. You can feel how her scissors are styling a shorter cut. You know that hair dye is next. You’re not looking forward to it.
Taeko snips off the last chunk of hair, leaving behind bouncing curls that stop past your neck. “…I’m not dying it.”
What? “But-”
“Loop, with your memory issues, I don’t want you to think you hallucinated this place. You need one thing that’s the same as when you were here.”
You pout. “Okay.” But secretly? You’re touched that she thought of you.
You’re forced to look at each other as she frames your heavier pieces on the sides of your face and trims the middle to to lay just past your nose. “…you don’t have to do this.”
“Hm?”
“I’m proud of you for trying to take accountability, but you don’t owe them this…sacrifice. Or us, for that matter.”
Your gut churns. “Yes I do.”
“Loop-”
“They’re trapped, Taeko. I’m the only one that knows it. I have to get them out.” But you don’t want to. And you wish you didn’t have to! You just want to stop feeling so blinding selfish over this, and-
Taeko’s frown brings you out of your spiral. “You don’t,” she says with conviction. “I should’ve taken a break. Before going back. I might be with them now if I did instead of running away.”
…oh.
“But if you never went back-”
“I wouldn’t be able to rest,” you cut her off. “I…haven’t been able to. Not since that night.” You couldn’t stop thinking about it if you tried.
She goes quiet as she puts the finishing touches on your hair. “There,” she says quietly. “All done.”
You glance in the mirror, and you already want to cry. Taeko made a good call, because if she had dyed your hair then the resemblance to Stardust would be uncanny and you’d be leaving Skrivenshore with a panic attack. You tuck the longer strands behind your ears. “Do you have a bobby pin?”
Taeko nods and passes one to you. You use it to pin the middle piece back towards the top of your head. “That’s better,” she whispers.
You nod in agreement. You’re not used to letting your scar shine, but you’d rather have it out for the world to see versus you thinking that you’re back in your own personal hell every time you look in a mirror. “Can we…go out for a bit? Maybe look for some headbands?”
She sighs. “Might as well. Maybe you can buy me a birthday gift while you’re at it.”
You freeze. “…your birthday was this week?”
“It was yesterday.”
Your shoulders shrink in shame. “Blinding stars, I completely spaced it. Can I make it up to you? Buy you a cupcake? Or your favorite dessert?”
“Loop, I was teasing,” she chuckles. “But if it would make you feel better, then yes.”
You knock on Roboro’s door later that evening. The two of you have wordlessly found yourselves spending the evenings at one of your places almost every night since Beltane, but you can’t figure out if it’s because you need help getting out of your nightmares or if Rob needs to convince itself that you’re not going to leave it when you go. It might be a combination at this point.
Either way, you’re really nervous about how it’s going to react to your new cut, even if your bangs are pulled back to show your face.
You grip your bag as it opens the door. “Hi honey.”
“Hey.” Rob pauses at your hair. “…that’s right. That was today.”
You sigh. “Yeah, I don’t know how I feel about it.”
It lets you in and watches you stroke Moose’s ears. “Can we talk?”
“Sure.”
Rob sits on the couch, and you follow suit. It takes your hand and kisses your wrist. “…do you have to go?”
You give it a sad smile. “You couldn’t have asked me that before I chopped all my hair off?”
It snorts. “I’m serious. We can stop here. Trim the bangs, talk to the therapist, get better sleeping meds, something. I just don’t want you to get hurt.”
You sigh. You’re already on better sleeping meds, strong ones too. They aren’t touching the nightmares, and just make you more tired throughout the day. “We already talked about this.”
“I know, but-” It cuts itself off and looks down at your conjoined hands. “Why? Why now? I know you haven’t slept, but that can’t be the only thing that’s driving you to do this.”
No, it’s not. You look down too. “…I forgot about them.”
Even if you aren’t meeting eyes, you catch the curious tilt of its head.
“When I first came here, I…well, you know what I wished for. I didn’t intend to go back for awhile. Before that dinner, I think the last time I really thought about them was when I was in the other house. I mentioned Isabeau a few times in my letters, but that was it.” You think about the scars on your hands, your neck, your face; you think about how you’d do it all again if it meant they’d be safe, if Stardust would be okay, if you would get to run away from them one last time. “They deserve better than that. If I’m going to leave them behind, then I can’t force them to be trapped. They should be able to live their own lives.”
Rob takes a slow breath, then squeezes your hand. “That’s…noble of you.”
“But?”
It pauses, then shakes its head. “No. No ‘buts’.” It kisses your wrist softly, making your stomach flutter. “I’m proud of you. You don’t have to do this alone, though.”
“I’m not,” you giggle. “I asked you for help outright.”
“Would you have still gone had I refused?”
Honestly? “I’m not sure. I might’ve asked Taeko for help, but I doubt she would’ve said yes. I wouldn’t have gotten it done nearly as quickly, that’s for certain.”
It slowly nods. “But you would’ve made a plan.”
“It would’ve been necessary. Might’ve hounded you with questions, but that’s better than nothing. I don’t trust my memory back in our world. It’s too fragile to not have a plan.”
Rob’s shoulders relax. “…I see.”
You smile softly. “Feel a little better?”
It smiles back. “Yeah.” Rob individually kisses each of your fingers at the curve. “Could we shower together again? Only if you want to.”
You feel your face heat up. You haven’t even gotten close to touching it like how it touched you on Beltane. “I’d love that.”
But you didn’t actually have that much fun.
You wanted to see if you could pay him back for last time, but whenever you’d gently scrub closer to his crotch, he’d flinch away. He did, however, snuggle you close after you were both rinsed off and enjoying the hot water. You stroke its back and let yourself indulge in smelling the combination of its fresh body wash and natural musk while you feel it nuzzle into your wet hair.
“It’s next week, right?”
“Mhm.”
“You write anymore notes?”
“Not yet. I brought the journal though, so we can go over everything again if need be.”
You feel it nod. “…I’m really gonna miss you.”
You frown. “I’ll miss you too. I’ll probably use the scissors to peek in the kitchen every few days, just to see the calendar.”
“Want me to mark off the days for you when I sleep over?”
“Please!”
Another kiss. “Of course love.” It straightens up and looks down at you and your hair. “Taeko did a really good job. Are you dying it later?”
You shake your head. “She said I needed a physical reminder to remember this place, and I think I agree. Hopefully I can just hide it with my hat or my collar.”
…Roboro blinks. “You know Isabeau is gonna notice like right away, right?”
You sigh. “Honestly, I’m just hoping he doesn’t say anything.”
“He may not if you stay around the others.”
Well then, no alone time for you and Isa! “That’s gonna be fun to maneuver without hurting his feelings,” you groan.
“Or, you could just. Y’know.”
“I don’t know if I’ll ever be ready to tell them everything, Rob.”
“You may not get a choice. Odile and Isa talk to each other a lot more than you’d think.”
“Oh, goodie,” you mumble. “I was already gonna spill some info to Odile, but I might have to drag him into that conversation.”
“You weren’t gonna tell him?”
“That was the plan. I don’t want to hurt him.”
Rob moves your bangs out of the way with worried eyes. “Loop, trust me when I say that it would hurt him way more if you left him wondering what he did wrong instead of just telling him the truth.”
You…blink, and slowly nod. Stupid, stupid, stupid. You’d only be saving yourself the time and hassle if you didn’t tell them the truth, you selfish, worthless-
Rob taps your head. “Loop. Talk to me.”
“Sorry,” you force out. “That…was selfish.”
They exhale. “Oh, honey. I didn’t mean to make you feel bad.”
“You’re right, though. I don’t want to hurt them, but I’m not sure if telling them the truth would be painless either.”
“If I’m being honest? I don’t think anybody will walk away from this situation unfazed.”
And for the last week of May, the two of you spend your time quietly tangled under bed sheets in quiet conversation and soft pajamas. You cook dinner together and eat on the couch or the table and chat like you aren’t about to walk right back into your worst nightmare.
You don’t sleep the night before you go. You tried to, but you ended up listening to Roboro quietly snore next to you the whole night before attempting a nap after work.
You don’t want to go, you don’t want to go, you don’t want to go. Your stomach is in knots as you collect your notebook, looking over every word you wrote down in the afternoon sun.
“Anything you take with you outside of the loop won’t change,” Rob had told you when you started your notes. “So I’d pack that with everything you can remember about the House if I were you.”
And you obeyed. You have pages of cheat sheets now. “Can you look this over? Just to see if I missed anything.”
Rob takes it and politely scans the pages. “Looks pretty good, just…” Its eyes narrow. “…I think I’m forgetting something actually.”
“Something important?”
It rubs its eyes with a nod. “Sorry. Thinking is hard.”
You frown. You knew your lack of sleep had been rubbing off on Rob, but this the first time you’re really seeing it. “Are you okay?”
You watch them slowly inhale and exhale, their eyes still pinched. “I’m about to watch you walk into both of our worst nightmares, Loop. How do you think I’m feeling?”
You flinch, but don’t say anything.
“…sorry. I know it’ll be better when you come home, but right now it sucks and I can’t pretend it doesn’t.”
You’re hurting him you’re hurting him you’re hurting him on purpose- You gently take his hand. “I don’t mean to hurt you though,” you manage with shaky words. “I don’t want this either.”
It squeezes your palm and nods a little. “I know, you’re just…trying to do the right thing.” Rob kisses your head, then your nose, then your lips at a slow and gentle pace. “I love you.”
“I love you too.”
“I’m terrified for you.”
You give it a sad smile. “I know. I’m scared too.” But not as much as you should be, to be honest. You know you’ll be home soon, success or not. You reach to hold their cheek. “I’ll write to you every day.”
Roboro, to your surprise, actually chuckles. “What, you still writing to me in your journal?”
You blink, and blush. “M-Maybe. Shut up.”
Their snort-laughter makes you grin. “Oh, that’s adorable.” Their next kiss is long and sweet. “I’ll miss you.”
“I’ll miss you too. Did you remember the important thing?”
It blinks with clarity. “Oh, yes! There’s a third wish.”
You cock your head. “There was two to- ohhhhh Euphrasie.”
“And the King.”
That actually surprises you. “Wait, what?”
Rob nods. “You can’t kill him.”
“But-”
“You have to freeze him.”
Your brain, thank the Universe, puts the pieces together quickly. “Reflect his curse.” You take your notebook from its hand and click a pen. “Who needs to learn that kind of Craft?”
“Mirabelle. If you do it right, you can get it in one hit. That’s what happened to Isabeau.”
Did that happen to Stardust too? You had no clue! You could never “see” past the third floor of the House anyways. “Do you remember which books you referred her to?”
Rob tilts his head. “The one with the CARROT method, funny enough. Different chapter.”
How are you gonna get her to read that one too!?
“I suggested it to her personally. I’d already spilled quite a bit to them at that point though, so you may have to get creative.”
A.K.A. make them worry about you. Great! “Any other tips?”
“…don’t die too much? Please? That was literally the worst part.”
Your blood runs cold. You know that you and Stardust died by the boulder at the start of the House, but it hadn’t occurred to you until now that someone else would’ve had to watch. “Anything else? Also I can’t apologize enough???”
Roboro just chuckles. “Yeaaaah. Rough ride. I don’t think so.”
You huff, and look out the window to see the sun setting. This was suddenly going to be a lot harder than you already thought it would be. “…it’s almost time.”
Before you go, Roboro insists you eat a good, satisfying meal that you know will keep you full for several hours and take a hot shower. “I cannot warn you enough that you will feel physically disgusting going back in. And the hunger is never fun. Enjoy it now.”
You towel-dry your hair into a poof and pull on some black clothes that you know won’t stand out to the party. “Anything I should pack,” you had asked.
“Probably wear a change of clothes,” they had agreed. “Your old ones most likely won’t fit you anymore. And pajamas that will cover your skin. Your disguise will wipe off automatically when you fall asleep.”
“What will it be like? When I go back to where I…?” You slip on your favorite pair of heels, just in case the other pair doesn’t fit anymore. They look close enough to your old ones. Maybe Isa would notice?
“I don’t know. For me, I found my clothes where I was standing.” You’d noticed how they’d shuddered when they said that, but before you could ask- “They were filled with ash.”
You feel a chill rush down your spine at the memory of the conversation you had earlier before indulging yourself and finding your grandma-quilt skirt. You can’t recall how many times you wished you could wear a dress while traveling throughout the House. It’s slowly becoming your favorite, antics done while wearing it aside.
You hear Rob come into the room with a knock and a silent walk to your bed.
“Hey,” you greet half-heartedly from the closet.
“Hi,” he almost whispers.
You look for something discreet to put your clothes in that won’t stand out with a frown.
“Your cloak should fit that, right?”
“Maybe,” you sigh. “My pockets aren’t that big.”
“You did have that pack you’d use for traveling at the Clock Tower. You could use that?”
But then you’d have to remember to bring it back with you, which isn’t going to happen. “I may have to take my chances with the cloak.” You turn to grab your journal and…oh, Roboro.
He’s already showered and dressed for bed, long leaves cascading over his shoulders with his flower puff wilting at the top. His face isn’t even set in its normal stone; it’s fully fallen now, eyes puffy and looking at the floor.
You carefully approach, heels clicking on the floor, and crouch before it with a gentle smile. You take its hands. “I’ll be okay.”
It can’t even look at you as it nods. You gently wipe away a falling tear, and feel your star crack at how it leans into your hand. “Please come home,” it whispers.
“I will. Super duper promise.”
That earns you a chuckle. “You better,” it sniffles.
You stand up straight to give it a long kiss and a longer hug, holding its head against your star. “I love you.”
“I love you too.”
You stroke its leaves with a sigh. A sense of excitement and dread fills you. “I’ll be home soon.”
It sniffles with a nod. “Y-You should write down your stuff. Like you need to.”
You kiss their crown and obey, sitting next to them to write out what you brought. “How do I use the scissors?”
Roboro wipes its face. “Think of where you want to go, chant it under your breath as many times as it takes to feel right, and then make a motion like you’re cutting fabric on a wall. You’ll feel a pressure, and then you just hook and cut.”
You write it all out. “And to close the hole?”
“Pretend you have a needle and thread, and sew it shut.”
You smile. “That sounds exactly like something you and Isa would come up with.”
Rob weakly smiles back. “It seemed smart at the time.”
But now it’s not, because your disgusting hands are using it for selfish reasons- “Well I still think it’s smart.”
…it gently takes your notebook and closes it. “Can I try something? Before you go.”
“Sure,” you snort.
Roboro leans in close and kisses you slowly, like you’re something to be savored and relished and remembered, before breaking off to kiss down your jaw- oh blinding finally, you were craving for it to touch you like this again- and pulls the collar of your shirt aside.
The sudden feeling of its lips sucking your shoulder catches you off-guard and makes you almost moan aloud. You close your eyes, feeling it pepper your skin with little hickeys. A gasp escapes you when you feel it bite you. “R-Rob?”
It immediately stops. “Too much?”
“No, no, no,” you laugh. “Just…what are you doing?”
“You know how Taeko didn’t dye your hair so you’d have a reminder of home?” You can practically feel the heat from its face. “I wanted you to have a reminder of…me.”
Oh! It’s your turn to blush! And melt! And hoo boy you really want it to touch you. “Would it be greedy of me to ask for more?”
His beard tickles your skin. “Could I convince you to stay if I said no?”
You groan. “I cut my hair for this.” And you miss your hair dammit!
Rob chuckles in your ear. “Then you only get these.” It gently kisses the hickeys it left behind with a sigh. “I love you.”
“I love you too.” You turn and kiss the fluff of its flower. “I’m gonna miss you so much.”
You feel it frown, giving you a sinking feeling in your gut. “I’ll miss you too.”
You don’t recall if it was just past seven or around midnight when you cuddled up together, but eventually you two get up from your bed. You take your clothes and your notebook, the lock and key left behind for the sake of not losing them while you’re out, and shove a pen in your pocket.
For a brief moment, you look at Roboro, and wonder if it would still love you if you backed out.
But what about how you'd feel? Could you sleep at night knowing that you were almost there, so close to saving your old family that you could taste it, just to say “no, actually, I’m not going to save them, because I’m manipulative and selfish and disgusting, and I want to keep what I finally have”? Could you accept being a coward, again, after years of running away from your problems to the point where you trapped yourself in a time loop just so you could force yourself to stay for once?
You take its hand, and kiss its knuckles. Roboro would love you, maybe, but you don’t think you would ever forgive yourself.
You pick up the scissors from the table, and take a deep breath. “Okay. Walk me through this.”
“Close your eyes.”
You obey.
“Breathe.”
You inhale.
“Think about where you want to go.”
You picture long waves of grass and trees covered in darkness, illuminated by the Universe above.
“Open your eyes, and cut.”
You open with an exhale and open the scissors. Almost instantly, you feel the air grow tough around you. You kneel, hook the bottom through it, and-
The Universe opens for you. You cut through light and dark and everything in between. A glowing outline of the portal shows the stars that you love so dearly before the darkness parts into the field.
The field. The one where you screamed to the Universe for help. A pile of clothes in the distance make your blood run cold.
You look at Roboro one more time in your bedroom, in your house, in your home. The look on its face is breaking your heart. “I’ll try to be quick.”
They blink away tears and nod. “Take your time, love. They’ll miss you when you’re gone.”
You…can’t say the same, unfortunately. Stars, you knew you were a horrible person, but-
Rob tucks a bang over your ear and kisses your temple. “I’ll miss you too.”
You frown and lean into its touch. “I can do this, right? Just go in, break the loop, take the kid home, get out?”
“You’ve got this.”
You sigh, and hesitantly crawl through the torn hole back into your personal hell. The smell of burnt sugar crinkles your nose; you almost gag at how nasty the environment feels around you. It’s humid and gross and you don’t want to be here and when you turn around you almost cry at how Roboro is looking at you: resigned, disappointed, but still making sure that there’s a smile for you to remember. “I love you.”
You put the scissors in your pocket and cup its face. “I love you too. One more kiss?”
It doesn’t hesitate to bend down and oblige, taking your breath away. It’s just one long, sweet, loving kiss, but you can hear the conversation behind it:
“I want you to stay.”
“I want you to be safe.”
“I want you here where I can protect you.”
“I want you to be happy, even if it hurts.”
Guilt twists your insides as you break away to cover its cheeks and nose with kisses. “I’ll be home soon.”
“You better be.”
You give him a sad smile as you both back away enough for you to imagine a needle and thread, and begin to sew the portal shut. Shiny, glowing thread emits from your fingertips. “I love you, Rob.”
“I love you too, Lu.”
And with tears in your eyes, you sew the portal shut and think about how disgusting you are.
Chapter 30
Notes:
TW: self hate/alcoholism will ensue for this entire upcoming segment. Gotta love self-destructive tendencies. Enjoy the angst!
Chapter Text
Hi Roboro.
Well, this is embarrassing to admit, but I’ve already died once on the first floor of the House. Guess who forgot how to fight? I did get farther than I thought I would, though. I’m still strong. My muscles just have to wake up a little.
Mirabelle came and checked on me in the field as per usual, and I’m taking a second to lay here and contemplate how much my body blinding hurts. I forgot how painful dying could be. How bad is it that I almost want to bring the knife back into play? Just to make sure I go quicker that’s a terrible thought. You’d hate me for saying that aloud. I can almost picture the look on your face. I’m making a ground rule: no knives allowed unless it’s for fighting. Let’s hope I remember it.
And you were right about all my notes staying! My brain’s already getting fuzzy, so they’re really helpful. It hurts a little to read it since it’s written in my home language, but at least I can read it at all! I’m writing in Vaugardian for the time being. Thankfully picking it up again has been pretty easy.
I’m gonna go try to see if that one kid who wants to fight people is still around. Maybe I can get a good refresher. Toodaloo!
XOXO Lu
Rob,
It’s the first snack break. I split a cookie with Isa after having plantain chips again. I still hate plantain chips., but the cookies reminded me of you. I think I’ll buy some from the bakery when I come back. Isa always says they taste like home, and I never understood before, but I get it now.
It’s not even the taste, to be honest - it’s the smell. Sometimes when I go to your apartment, I look forward to what you’ll make. Freshly-baked bread? Cake? You’re always overworking yourself, experimenting with something new, but I know that kind of chemistry with such a delicious outcome makes you happy. My favorite smell is when you just make something simple and familiar. Chocolate chip cookies, for example.
I gotta go, Bonbon won’t stop trying to read over my shoulder. Love you!
Lu
Rob,
Snack break two. Your madeleines are better. My head’s getting worse. It doesn’t hurt, but it feels like I’m forgetting something important again. The others are getting suspicious. Odile in particular is trying to place where I got this notebook from.
I keep flipping to my cheat sheet. Floor two. Collect the right keys, or I can’t progress. We’re doing good so far, but I suggested Reflection Craft to Mira and she just…kinda laughed? Like I was a child? It didn’t feel good. I guess I forgot that my role was being the forgetful stupid idiot that’s only here out of pity. Whoops!
Gotta go. Isa looks worried. He’s definitely noticed the hair by now.
XOXO Lu
Hi honey.
I got got. That one Sadness before the King? Totally kicked my ass. I think I’m getting tired already, but I can’t sleep. My writings from my last few entries are gone. At least the cheat sheets are still there. I didn’t tell you this, but I wrote down everyone’s names and how I know them in those pages. I even sketched you a couple times. They’re not very good, but they’re mine, and a few of them are you smiling. I keep glancing at them when I have spare seconds. I’m trying so hard to keep you in my memory.
Anyways, onto what happened, and a lot happened. We’re not even to the King yet. I’m writing this downstairs with a candle and the stars in the window for light.
Mirabelle smelled a rat almost right away when I woke up this time around. I decided to just enjoy my family for a little while, and apparently all of them got the same impression that I was hiding something. They held a little intervention while Bonnie cooked dinner, and I thought I was cornered but I got a really good idea and just told them that I didn’t think I could kill the King. Lied my ass off about how I just couldn’t kill a living breathing person when we unfortunately both know better. That got the Reflection Craft conversation going, and now I can lead Mira to the right book.
Gods in heaven, I’m a monster. I can’t even say I didn’t get some satisfaction from lying to them. It felt like I’d struck gold.
I love you. I hope you can forgive me.
Loop.
Rob,
First snack break. Almost to the book. We’re doing good. I’m hoarding all the tonics I can to get us through this just in case it doesn’t work. Pray for me.
XOXO Lu
Rob,
Screw the plantain chips, I suffered my way through the onigiri instead. Wasn’t bad. Asked everyone if we could all take Bonnie home together after this was over, and I was met with probably the most enthusiastic collective yes. I forced myself to smile.
I don’t want to leave them behind, but I have to. I’ve made my choice, and I’m sticking with it even if it hurts.
XOXO Lu
Rob.
Plamiers always feel nostalgic for me, and I can’t place why. Mira is reading the right book, with the right chapter, in the right place. It’s all going according to plan, but the guilt is eating me alive. I don’t know if you’d still love me if you knew how much of a disgusting liar I am. The urges to rush everyone are back, but I’m biting my tongue. I need to be patient in order for this to work.
Love you. I stole the wine. Please don’t hate me.
Lu
You wake up to the sound of crickets chirping in a bed that you don’t recognize.
It’s firm, and cold, and soulless. Your bed at home is like a little cloud with plenty of pillows and animals to keep you warm. You try to sit up, and look around the room. Isa’s sitting in a chair, slumped and asleep while Odile is actually in one of the beds reading a book. Are you in the infirmary?
And then you realize: your disguise! And your cloak and hat! They’re all off! When did that happen!? You dim your hair and cover your skin and thank the stars that nobody else is here.
Actually, where is everybody?
“Mira and Bonnie are getting our things from the Clock Tower,” Odile says dryly from her spot. “You gave us quite the scare there.”
You blink at her. “What happened?”
“You collapsed after we froze the King.”
It…worked? “What time is it?”
“A little after two? Why?”
Holy shit. Holy shit. You did it? You did it! Why…why don’t you feel happy?
“Siffrin?”
“Sorry,” you shudder, shaking off your nerves. “It’s just…we did do it, right? We froze the King?”
“We did it, Siffrin.”
You feel all of the air in your lungs exhale from your body all at once as you flop back onto the bed. “Thank the Universe.”
“And the Expressions, and every other deity I can’t bother to remember or name.” Odile closes her book and stretches out. “Gems, that was a workout. I almost appreciate that you passed out, actually. Gave me an excuse to sit down for a couple hours. How are you feeling?”
Your entire body is killing you. You’re gross and you’re hungry and you could drink a trough’s worth of water. Actually, you feel pretty similar to how you felt with you first went to Amonwood. “Is ‘a lot’ an acceptable answer?”
She snorts. “Try to narrow it down.”
You sigh. “…I could eat a moose. And I feel like I need three baths to be clean again.”
“Ha!”
Isa springs awake at Odile’s volume, making you flinch. “I’m up,” he warbles, blinking one eye at a time.
“Good to see you’ve joined the conversation, Isabeau.”
You grin. “Hi Isa.”
He rubs his face and looks at you like…oh, you hate that. He looks just similar enough to Roboro that your body is doing the happy-butterfly thing that you get whenever it walks into a room. “Are you okay? Do you need water? Or food? Anything?”
You chuckle and sit up properly again. “I’m fine,” you lie. “I just fainted. Dunno why, though. I must’ve been really tired.”
Isa turns to Odile, who’s properly sitting up now. “You said it’s Craft Sickness, right?”
You…blink. “Really? But I didn’t-”
“Yeah, you can stop lying now.”
Your blood turns to ice at Odile’s words.
“I don’t know what Craft you’ve been using, but it’s strong enough to make your hair glow and your skin change into…something else. So talk.”
Crap crap crap, how are you gonna get out of this one!? Are you gonna get out of this one!? You might be screwed!!!
“Sif,” Isa sighs, “I never want to push you or make you uncomfortable, but…please. Talk. You’ve been weird all day.”
…welp. You tried. Time to rip their hearts out and stomp on them for good measure.
But before you can open your mouth, the doors to the infirmary fly open. “FRIN!!!”
You grin. “Hey kid!”
Bonnie, in all their glory, rushes up to you. “Are you okay! Do you need water! Or food! You definitely need food!”
You can’t help your giggles at their eagerness. “I’d love some food.”
“What kind?”
“Anything filling. Preferably carbs.”
“DONE!” And just like that, Bonnie is out of the room and tearing down the hall into the kitchen.
The rest of you just look at each other and snicker. “Stars, that kid is going to either move or destroy mountains when they’re older.”
“Preach,” Isa chuckles. “Alright, enough fun. Serious talky-talk.”
“Yeah, yeah, yeah,” you groan. You let your legs swing over off the side of the bed. “I actually don’t know where to start.”
“The beginning, preferably.”
You swing your feet a little, and…oh, stars, was that your stomach? “…can we talk about it after I’ve eaten? Or over food? Give Mira an excuse to hide from everyone for a bit while we eat?”
“Siffrin, if you’re trying to get out of-”
“I’m not, I swear, but I’m starving.”
“Madame, please? I can hear his stomach from here.”
You feel your insides twist. For some reason, you’re semi-okay being called by your old name, but your old pronoun can burn at the moment.
“…alright. Just this once though. Why don’t you take a bath to pass the time?”
And that’s exactly what you did.
You’re not sure how you really feel about public bathhouses, but the Dormont House Bath is gloriously empty since the party in the village is in full swing at the moment. You let your disguise down, and step into the hot springs with a happy sigh.
You wash out your hair with the soap provided in the locker rooms, and think about what the blinding hell you’re going to say to your old friends.
Do you tell them the whole truth and nothing but? If you were to leave anything out, what would you not mention? Should you tell them about Stardust?
…should you tell them about Roboro? Their copies? Your job, your home, the family you replaced them with?
No. No, you feel like that’s a line you have to draw. You don’t want to hurt them even more.
You scrub every centimeter of your skin before sinking back into the water, and think about nothing.
In the end, you didn’t tell them much. You kept it to-the-point and wiggled your way around any more difficult questions.
“A time loop!? How!?”
Wish Craft.
“What’s that?”
Something from my island. The forgotten one.
“Is that why you didn’t want to kill the King? Because you…”
Because last time didn’t work.
“How long were you in there for?”
Too blinding long for anybody to stay sane.
“Is that why you have a notebook now?”
Totally~! We’ll go with that!
“So, how’d it change your skin? And your hair?”
You ate a star, but you don’t tell them that.
“How many times did you die?”
…you don’t tell them that either.
“Guys,” Isabeau finally sighs. “I think they need a little space? I can see them beginning to zone out.”
Beginning to? You’ve been half-here this entire conversation. “I’m sorry,” you chuckle. “I’m just…tired.”
“No wonder you had Craft Sickness,” Odile commends. “Are you sure you want to leave tomorrow?”
You nod. “We need to get Bonnie home, and I have to get home too.”
“You do?” Mira tilts her head. “I thought you were from the island.”
“I am, but…I have a place.” It’s not a complete lie, right? “And I’m really homesick, to be honest.” Definitely not a lie. You ache to go back already.
“I bet you are,” Odile nods. “If you feel well enough tomorrow, then we’ll go, but I don’t want you to push yourself even more than you’ve had to.”
You will get home you will get home you will get home. “I’ll be fine, but I’ll tell you how I’m feeling tomorrow if it makes you feel better.”
“I have a question!”
Bonnie’s had many of them for the past hour. You smile. “Shoot, kid.”
“How are you able to cover up the stars? And the glowy hair?”
Uhhhhhh. You shrug. “I learned how? I couldn’t tell you the details.”
“Can you take off your skin?”
“Bonnie!”
You can’t help but snort. You missed your kiddo! “I can try.” You lean back against your chair and breathe deeply, trying to relax. You close your eyes and let the disguise slip off like a sheet of fabric.
“Whoa,” you hear Isa and Mira whisper.
Bonbon is much less subtle. “COOL!”
But you think the worst response is actually Odile, who looks at you like you’re an interesting bug. “Fascinating.”
You shudder, and put your skin back on. “That’s enough acknowledgment for one day I think.”
“You know we’re not going to stop hounding you with questions the entire trip, right?”
You huff at Mira. “I retain the right to not answer what I’m not comfortable answering.”
“Of course, but we also retain the right to be curious,” Odile smirks.
Ugh. She’s gonna wring every piece of info she can get out of you, isn’t she? “Yeah, yeah, yeah,” you mumble, taking a bite of- oh, fuck that’s good. “Did you make this today Bonbon?”
“Yeah,” they smile. “Is it good?”
“Really good,” you smile. “Thanks for dinner, kiddo.”
Bonnie just grins. “You’re welcome!”
When Mira tells you the sleeping arrangements, you almost want to scream. You and Isabeau are sharing the infirmary - in different beds, thank the stars - while Odile, Mira, and Bonnie are all piling in her room since her roommate decided to spend the night with Euprasie. You’re actually quite glad that you won’t be seeing her today. You’ve had enough of that useless statue of a woman for a lifetime.
…when did you get so mean?
You pull on your nightgown and straighten it out with a huff. Isabeau is currently in the bathhouse, and if you can get your scissors out of your cloak, you can-
Of blinding course the door opens to him standing right there with perfect messy hair and perfect pajamas, the blinding fucker. “Hey Sif!”
“Hey,” you hum, taking off the disguise freely now. You’re just as exhausted as you were when you woke up. “How’re you feeling?”
“I think I should be asking you that,” he chuckles.
You shrug. “As well as I can be. I’m finally out.” The catharsis clearly hasn’t hit you yet. “You guys fought a lot, though.”
“Well, so did you???”
You blink. “Isa. Dude. Time loop. Those guys are pretty easy now.”
Isabeau…blushes? “O-Oh! My bad! I didn’t mean-”
“You’re fine,” you chuckle. “I appreciate the concern. Seriously though, how are you?”
“Sore, but better after that bath. Their hot springs are incredible!”
“Right,” you grin. “I felt like butter coming out of that tub earlier.”
“…so you felt ‘butter’?”
Oh, wow, you didn’t even have to force a laugh. Pathetic. “Glad your pun game is still good.”
Isa’s brows bunch a little. “Still…oh, you probably had to hear…the same ones…”
You nod, letting the reality of the situation dawn on him. “Same everything. Conversations, food, clothes, all of it.”
His shoulders fall. “Ah. Did we…talk? At all?”
Oh, that. You forgot about how much that drove you up the wall. “You tried to,” you say honestly. “But I think I get the gist.”
“Oh?” He’s suddenly more alert. “And? How do you feel about it? It’s okay if you don’t feel anything, I just-”
“Isa.”
He shuts up, his face ablaze.
You look at your hands. Time to break his heart like the blinding monster you are~! “I don’t think I be that kind of person for you.” You surprise yourself with how fast your eyes fill with tears. “I had a lot of time to think about it, and…it feels like I don’t know everybody anymore. Not really. And the parts I do know are from me using a time loop to get it. It feels like I’ve been cheating to get you guys to like me.”
“But we’ve always lo- liked you.”
“You may not like me anymore.” And you’re telling him the truth when you say that. “I’ve changed a lot, and I had to pretend that I wasn’t different for so long. I’m tired of that. And I want to be myself, so…” You sigh, and look him in the eye. “I’m sorry, Isa, but the person you love and the person I am now are two different people. And I know it’s only been less than a day for you, but it’s been a lot longer than that for me.”
And for once, Isabeau is quiet. There’s a nod, only seen from the moonlight. “Can I get to know you, again?”
Your chest flutters. “I’d say yes, but I don’t think I’ll be coming back when I leave for home.”
Isa nods again, looking at the floor. “You’re probably sick of Vaugarde by now.”
“Sick of Dormont, that’s for sure,” you reply honestly.
He’s not hiding his disappointment well, but he’s smiling anyways. “Well. It was worth a shot.”
You sigh. “Yeah. I’m still sorry.”
“It’s alright,” he inhales. “I’m a big boy, I can handle some hurt fee-fees.”
You snort. “You’re allowed to be hurt over this.”
“I am, but I’m not going to make it your problem. You have other crab to deal with.”
Fair! “Thanks, but…promise to come to me if you have questions?”
“Of course,” he smiles. “I solemnly swear to be as obnoxious as Bonnie was at dinner.”
“Oh, heavens, the torture,” you giggle while standing up. “I’m gonna use the restroom before we sleep.”
“…I have one question.”
You’re grabbing your cloak when he asks it. “Yes?”
“If this had never happened, would you have said yes? Returned my feelings?”
You turn to face him, sitting on the bed and hunched with his elbows on his knees, looking up at you like you’re his world that’s falling apart. You give him a sad smile, and deliver the final blow: “I don’t know. I didn’t know who I was, then.”
You don’t wait for him to react as you step into the bathroom, lock the door behind you, and try to cry quietly in the silence.
Chapter Text
“Siffrin? Are you alright?”
No, actually. You’ve been pissed and achy since last night. “I’m great,” you grumble. “Just cranky.”
“Why?”
Because you looked at the calendar at home and it only took you three days to close the loop. Three. Blinding. Days. That’s it! You feel like an idiot! “Just-” You huff. You think you can be honest about this one, actually. “Mad at myself.”
“Oh?” You and Odile have been straying behind the group for awhile now, but you don’t mind. She’s good company, and Isa, despite his smile, won’t look you in the eye. “How come?”
“Because it was so easy! Stupidly so! If you got stuck in a time loop, you’d be out in hours, but nooo, the one with memory issues got it instead!”
To your surprise, Odile laughs. “Well this is certainly new behavior from you. What did you have to do?”
“Grant more than one wish,” you huff. “Apparently Euphrasie had a Wish Project Thingy going to try and save the country, and the King had one of his own, but you can’t grant his if he’s dead.”
“Hence the Reflection Craft,” Odile pieces. “…huh. You put on a good performance a few days ago to get that ball rolling, that’s for sure.”
“What, not wanting to kill him?”
“Yep. So how do you really feel about it?”
You don’t even hesitate - “He can get thoroughly screwed with rusty nails.”
“Ha!”
Mira whips around, gaping. “Siffrin!”
“What! You didn’t like him either! He can get bent!”
To your delight, that completely takes her out. “Oh Change, I never thought I’d see the day where you actually had a negative opinion of someone!”
…you think of Stardust. “I’m not perfect,” you force a chuckle. “How much more daylight do we have?”
“We just started walking???”
“I know!” Your body hurts your head is pounding you miss Roboro like you miss the stars- “Just wanting to be realistic.”
“We should be able to get to Jouvente within the day.” Isa’s voice is covered in that fake cheer that you’ve grown to despise. “If we need to turn around-”
Ice shoots down your nerves at the thought alone. Your response comes out quickly: “No, not at all. I’m okay.”
The party’s a little quiet at that, but doesn’t push it as you all continue to walk.
To your surprise, Bonnie slows down enough to match you and Odile’s pace some time later. “I have a question.”
“What’s up.”
“I don’t know what a time loop is, but Dile said it was like you went to school for a really long time without any breaks.”
You think it over. “That feels accurate enough.”
“…can you see out of your other eye now?”
You feel your gut sink. “No, I can’t. But it’s easier for me to navigate now!” Your depth perception is still off in new places, but holding out your hands around corners is second nature now.
They raise their eyebrows. “Yeah? So if I threw an apple at you, you could catch it?”
“If I saw it with my good eye, then probably?”
A devilish grin overcomes their features. “I wanna test it later.”
Oh dear. “…you’re not just throwing apples at me, are you.”
“Nope!”
You snort. “No sharps.”
“Awww!”
“Hey, I’d like to keep my head intact today, thank you!”
Bonnie giggles maniacally, but, from the corner of your eye, you catch Isabeau and Mirabelle flinching for reasons that you understand too well.
More time passes before you suddenly catch an orange headed straight for Odile’s chest. “Bonnie! You could’ve hurt Odile!”
But instead of even a drop of regret, you get wide-eyed wonder. “You…saw that.”
Odile, to your surprise, blinks. “Not even I saw them throw it, how did you…?”
Isabeau turns, holding their traveling pack on his shoulders, looking at your hand holding the fruit in mid-air. You’re expecting something punny or stupid to fall out of his mouth, but instead he’s looking at you like you broke a world record. “What the hell…”
That finally catches Mira’s attention. “Change on a boat, what is- oh.” She looks between the others, and seems to understand some hidden communication that you’re clearly missing. “Oh! Oh Change!”
You blink. “Would someone like to tell me what you guys are on about?”
“I think the time loop thing is finally starting to hit,” Isa admits.
Odile clears her throat. “The sun will be setting soon. Should we make the rest of the walk tomorrow? Set up camp and talk?”
Aaaaand you’re mad at yourself again.
You ended up having to ask Mirabelle for help because you genuinely forgot how to set up a tent, which she happily obliged to after some mild teasing and laughter over the whole thing. You do remember how to build a fireplace though! You gather the wood and stones before anybody can even ask.
“So,” Bonnie grins. “What else can I throw at you?”
You sigh as you sit down. “You know the rules. And if you hit anyone else, then the game’s over. Deal?”
“Deal!” They scrounge through the bags and search for items to possibly clock you while the rest of the party finds their spots - noticeably away from you. “So. What did you want to ask me?”
Odile glances at the family kid. “Boniface. Be a dear and throw those at a distance, won’t you? I want to see just how much Siffrin’s reflexes have improved.”
Bonnie opens their mouth to agree before their eyes narrow. “…reflex-ology?”
“Pffft.”
They smirk and wander off with a bag of who-knows-what. “Where should I start?”
You point in the direction of your good side, waiting until Bonnie is far enough to not hear you under hushed tones. “…so.”
“So.” Isa won’t make eye contact with you. “How long were you really in there for?”
“I already answered this.”
“I think Isabeau wants specifics,” Odile clarifies. “And so do I, to be frank.”
Ohhh boy, here we go. You see a sweet potato whiz towards you from the corner of your eye and catch it without a problem. “You will hate that answer.”
Everyone flinches, probably since you didn’t even have to look. “…Siffrin, I don’t want to push, but we need to know how serious this is.”
Of course, they need to know if you’re truly the hopeless, disgusting dead weight that you are~! “About ten years, give or take.”
The only thing that breaks the following silence is the sound of Bonnie chucking an onion at you, which you effortlessly block.
“You don’t seem all that choked up about it,” Odile finally says.
“I don’t think it’s hit me yet,” you reply honestly. You put the veggies in the cold cooking cauldron next to you. “I’m still a little Craft Sick, but-”
“Siffrin!” Mirabelle’s voice makes you jump.
“You try being stuck in one spot in the exact same situation for ten years! You’d wanna skip town too!”
…you catch a zucchini from a different spot, a little closer towards the center of your good eye instead of to the side. “Touche,” she huffs. “But you’re getting Healing Craft later!”
“I’ll take it,” you chuckle.
“How are you feeling, though?” Isabeau’s voice, full of concern, makes your stomach twist. “If you’re still sick, we can stop in Jouvente for awhile-”
“No.” You catch a carrot. “We have to get Bonnie home. And we have no clue if there are still Sadnesses running amuck that could attack them if we send them with someone else.”
“That’s true, but I don’t think we’ve seen even a hint of a Sadness today.”
“Thank Change for that,” Isa sighs, rolling his shoulders as a stalk of celery whips next to his head. “I’m still sore from yesterday.”
…you didn’t even think about their recovery time from the House. Stupid, stupid, stupid. You put the collection of vegetables - celery included - into the pot. “Could we get a wagon ride from Jouvente to Bambouche?”
Mira frowns. “That’s a lot to ask someone to do for us.”
“Unless it was a merchant,” Odile ponders. “I bet there will be people looking to go back towards the coast to make trade.”
“That could work,” Isa commends. “There’s a lot of foot traffic in Jouvente. If we get up early enough, then we could be there by late morning.”
You grab a leek mid-air. Bonnie’s getting close to your blind side. “We’re seeing your sister, right?”
Isabeau blinks. “…yeah. Did I tell you that in the time loop, or…?”
Crap. “Yep,” you quickly lie. “Can’t remember her name, but you mentioned it.”
“Amelie,” he nods.
Mira cocks her head. “You never mentioned her.”
“I didn’t want to push Sif,” he chuckles sadly. “She was pregnant when the freezing started, and was due any day when it hit Jouvente.”
She gapes at him. “You should’ve said something!”
“I didn’t want to freak you out!”
“We could’ve traveled faster, or-”
“Mirabelle.” Odile cuts her off. “There’s nothing to be done now. Are you trying to catch her before she goes into labor?”
“That’s the plan, yes,” he sighs. “But I know we have to get Bonnie home. If I have to be left behind, then so be it, but I just need to make sure she and her husband are okay.”
You give a hopefully-reassuring smile. “We’ll go hunting for them tomorrow, okay?”
Isa smiles back. “We still have to look for the wagon.”
“We can split up,” Odile offers. “I’m more than capable of taking Bonnie to the merchant stalls to ask for help.”
You raise an eyebrow with a smirk. “You gonna play up the old-lady-traveling card?”
“Don’t insult me,” she snorts. “Only as a last resort.”
Isabeau’s voice cuts through quickly, but not fast enough. “Sif, watch-”
Something collides with your cheek hard enough to leave a mark, but not a bruise. You can’t help but burst out laughing when you see what it is. “Well that’s one way to crush garlic!”
“Game’s over Bonnie,” Isa calls out. “Are you okay?”
You nod, giggling as you collect the scattered cloves of garlic. “Bonbon,” you call out, “did you just throw our dinner at me?”
“Basically!”
“Why?”
“The pot’s right next to you!”
All of you look at each other before you make eye contact with Isa and slowly start to snicker. When he can’t contain giggles of his own, the rest of them follow suit. “I love that kid.”
“Me too,” you chuckle. You turn to see Bonnie approaching with an empty bag and a worried expression. “What’s that look for?”
“…did I hurt you?”
You smile. “Nope!” You move your bangs aside to show them the spot. “Didn’t feel like it would bruise at least.”
You let Bonnie look at the area. “Can I poke it.”
“No thank you.”
“Awww.”
“Want help cooking diner?”
They look at you like you’ve grown a second head. “You can cook?”
You chuckle a little. “How do you think I survived by myself all those years? What’re we making?”
You spend the next hour being Bonnie’s assistant, peeling onions and crushing garlic like you’ve done a million times in your own kitchen, while slowly coaxing Bon to come out of their shell a little more.
“Is it my turn to ask you questions?”
You smile a little. They sent Isa and Mira to forage for berries while Odile enjoys her book in her tent a little while ago. “Yes, but there will be some that I probably won’t be able to answer.”
“Why?”
“Adult stuff.”
“Booooo.”
You giggle. “Ask away.”
Bonnie scrapes the bottom of the pot, turning over roasting veggies. “Do you have to wear the eye patch now?”
“No. But I didn’t want to freak you guys out, so I’ve been wearing it.”
“…can I see what it looks like?”
Poor thing. You know how guilty they feel over the whole losing-your-eye thing. “Are you sure?”
“Is it gross?”
“I don’t think so. The scar turned out really cool.”
Bonnie pours in a canteen of broth before mixing it with curry powder and popping over to sit in front of you. “Show me.”
You lift the lip of your eye patch-
“Wait!”
You stop. “What?”
They inhale and…they’re shaking? “Okay. Now I’m ready.”
You smile and peel off your eye patch without much flourish. “There. See? All healed.”
Bonnie holds their breath and stares. You move your hair aside for them to see your scar, your foggier eye shade, the darkless freckles that you know are there. They lift a hand before stopping themselves. “Can I…?”
You nod. “I don’t mind. I just need a warning.”
Their eyes light up like the night sky as they reach out and carefully touch the tinted skin around your eye. “It looks like…one of those things. The glowing things. In the sky.”
You can't stop smiling. They aren't scared of you! They like you! You have your kid back! “Stars?”
“Mhm.” Their hands somehow leave a sticky residue as they draw back. “I thought they had to take it out?”
“I thought so too,” you admit. “But you know how my skin and hair changed?”
“Uh huh?”
“Same deal.”
The sounds of Isa and Mira chatting and getting closer to camp catch your attention, making you turn your head and-
They freeze. “…your eye.”
You snort. “You have a way with words Isa, you know that?”
Mira tries to make a sound, but it comes out a little strangled. “Wasn’t your eye gone????”
“Are you touching Sif? Successfully????”
Bon huffs and points to your glittering skin. “Remember the hair and skin?”
“Yeah?”
“Same deal! Also they just told me they’re cool with it, so no scolding me on this one!”
About five different emotions glance across both of their faces before they settle into an equal confusion. “You’re…cool with touch now?”
“I’ve always been cool with touch,” you roll your eyes. “But I’m not used to it. Just ask me first, okay?”
Isabeau’s eyes widen. “…so we’ve been leaving you out of group hugs for no reason?”
“Basically.”
Mirabelle gasps a little. “A-And ten years of no touch is-”
“Enough to make anybody go insane.” Odile’s voice pops out of her tent with a curious smile. “Because I know damn well you’d never ask for it.”
…you think of how much you like it when Roboro touches you and hide in the cuff of your cloak, your cheeks heating up. “Maybe. Maybe not.”
“Did we ever…?”
You try to think. “…once.”
Isa raises his eyebrows.
“Mira asked to hold my face. You held my hands. It was nice.”
“Aw, that’s sweet,” Mira smiles.
“Sickly sweet,” Odile teases. “Is dinner done yet?”
The conversation dwindles as exhaustion creeps up on you; you can’t stop yawning. “I think I’m calling it a night.”
“Mkay. Can I hug you?”
Yesyesyesyesyesyes- “Of course you can, Bonbon.” Little arms don’t hesitate to wrap around your waist. You tightly hug back, resting your head on theirs with closed eyes and a smile. You missed your kid!
“Frin! You’re squishing me!”
“Get squished.”
“Nooo!”
“Like a bug.”
“Noooooo!”
You giggle, letting them free from your grasp. “Fiiiine, I guess you’re allowed to breathe.”
Bonnie takes dramatic deep breaths as they flop onto you. “You gonna go to bed?”
“Yep. But you gotta go to bed too.”
“Nooooooooo.”
“I’ll get their teeth brushed,” Mira giggles before coming over to take Bonnie’s hand. “Get some sleep?”
“You too,” you smile gratefully. You stand and stretch your arms up with a yawn. “Are we bunking, Isa?”
“Huh? Oh, sure.”
…okay, you can’t blame the guy or anything, but Isabeau’s been weird since last night. Not mean or rude, just a little more distant. And that’s fine! You shattered his entire worldview of you and killed his chance of confessing before he even tried within the span of twenty-four hours. You’d be pretty upset too! “Are you sure? You don’t have to if you don’t want to.”
“I-I do!” He says it a little too fast. “Just…gimme a minute? I think I’m gonna stay up with Madame for a little longer.”
You nod with a smile, and go into your shared tent without a fuss.
Isa comes in much later, stirring you from your stiff slumber on the ground. “Siiiif.”
“Hm?”
“I need my pillow back.”
You huff and open your arm for him to take the pillow you’ve been hugging. “Cloak?”
You feel your cloak placed into your arms, the fabric rolled up. “Comfy?”
“Mmmm.” You’re about to settle back in while Isa worms his way into his sleeping roll when you hear him start to whisper.
“Sif?”
“Hm?”
“…can I touch you?”
No, screams your gut. You won’t cheat on Roboro. You won’t. “Touch where?”
“J-Just in general! Like…arms? I guess?”
You slowly open your eyes. He’s in front of you, on his side, hugging his day clothes like a pillow. You ignore your heart aching for Rob and let one of your hands rest on the ground. “Here.”
Isabeau freezes before carefully laying his hand on top of yours. It feels different than Rob’s. More solid, callused. Drier, too. “Like this?”
You nod, and slowly close your eyes once again. Your hands are so small compared to Roboro’s that they always made you feel safe when their large fingers cradled yours. You hope it gives Isa a similar kind of peace as you drift off to sleep.
Chapter 32
Notes:
TW - narcissistic abuse, general self-loathing
Chapter Text
Jouvente is much, much, much louder than you are used to.
Amonwood has always been quiet, and Skrivenshore is more busy than noisy, so this is a lot for you pre-coffee. You try to be subtle about covering your ears while Isabeau talks over the hustle and bustle of the city until Odile hands you a tin of beeswax, which you happily use with many thanks.
“Okay, any questions?”
You look up. “…summarize what you said?”
Mira scoffs. “Were you even listening?”
“We can’t hear anything over all this kerfuffle,” Odile defends.
“Yeah!” Bonnie’s also shoving wax in their ear. “Try that again!”
Isa just chuckles. “Odile, Mira, and Bonnie will go look for a wagon to take to Bambouche, preferably a merchant who will be traveling that direction anyways. I’ll take Sif with me to my parents' house to try and hunt down my sister. We’ll all meet back at my place when we’re done.”
That’s right. You guys had passed by her house earlier and found it empty. “Why don’t we just go to the hosp- er, infirmary?”
“There’s five in Jouvente alone.”
You sigh. There’s going to be no escaping the disaster that you know is coming with his family.
“Are you that against meeting Isabeau’s parents, Siffrin?”
You look up to Odile’s teasing eyes, knowing damn well that your hair isn’t brushed and your body is probably covered in dirt. “Do I look like I’m prepared for any socializing right now,” you chuckle.
“Ha! Fair point.”
“You don’t have to come-”
“No, no, no,” you giggle, putting on a front. “I’m just teasing. Lead the way!”
Isabeau weaves in and out of the crowd with practice, the only thing helping you to not lose him being how he towers over everyone. Is Roboro somehow taller? Like how you’re just a smidge taller than Stardust?
He starts going down a quieter alley, which you thank every star under the sky for as you take out your wax. “Did you grow up here?”
“I did!”
“It shows,” you smile. “I think I almost got trampled back there.”
He chuckles and looks back at you just like he used to look at you before you...transformed. “Sorry, I should’ve slowed down.”
“You’re all good.” He stops in front of a house that looks just a little bigger than yours. It makes your chest ache. “This it?”
“Sure is. My apartment is…a ways away.”
That’s right. Roboro did mention that he booked it as soon as he could, didn’t he?
Isabeau takes a deep breath. It’s quieter, less dramatic, less…fake.
You know how this will go. Roboro warned you in advance, and you’re surprised that you still remember some of the details. It said it was livid, that it stormed out immediately, but it knew that Isabeau would try to stay and go with his mother’s nonsense to keep the peace. Which means you get to be the bad guy~! And maybe hold up some proper boundaries against Isa’s wishes~! You will be genuinely surprised if he retaliates against you for it, but you’re prepared for anything at this point.
Isa hesitantly approaches while you walk right up the steps, ready to get this over with, and-
The door swings open before you can knock. The sound of laughter fills the alley. People are nearly packed inside. You blink at an older man, who looks at you like you’re the strangest thing in the world, before he glances up and smiles. “Isabeau!”
“Uncle Antoine!” They both bounce forward to hug with laughter echoing down the alleyway, and it sounds legitimate enough.
You wonder how much Roboro misses its family, other than its parents.
“Uncle Ant, this is Siffrin!”
You perk up and smile a little. “Nice to meet you sir.”
“Good to meet you too,” Antoine grins. “Where are you from?”
You almost say Amonwood, but you just smile to yourself. “A little bit of everywhere.”
“They’re a traveler,” Isabeau quickly explains.
“Like a merchant?”
“No-”
“So they’re homeless.”
Isa’s face blanches while you guffaw at the audacity, but you don’t take it too personally. “I have a house,” you laugh. “It’s just…rather dusty, probably.”
Antoine chuckles. “Happy to see you can take a joke. Come inside you two! Your mother’s waiting, kiddo.”
Isa groans. “Is she now.”
“…you know how she is.”
He rolls his eyes in frustration and nearly stomps his way towards the front door. Wow, he does not like being here! “Good to meet you, Mr. Ant,” you say politely, tipping your hat in his general direction before following a huffy Isabeau. “Ro-Isa, slow down a little!”
He stops before the door and takes another deep breath. “Sorry,” he whispers. “I…really don’t like being back here.”
“I can tell,” you whisper back. “Let’s make this quick then?”
Isa gives you a grateful smile, a nod, and opens the door to a sea of people.
You don’t bother remembering their names.
You work the crowd and ask around for Amelie, keeping your hat on and politely making it clear that you aren’t here to stay. Funny enough, they don’t seem that interested in you either. They’re either too drunk to care that there’s a stranger in their home - but maybe that’s just another Vaugardian thing - or pretending that they want to be here for the sake of others. Good to know that not wanting to be in this house is a consistent issue with this family, especially since you can see who you assume is Isa’s mother playing hostess and serving more wine.
She’s quite short, actually, only a little taller than you, with dark hair and Isabeau’s freckles. Her voice is nearly shrill with how it carries over the crowd. You hunt down Isa’s head peeking above everyone else’s and find him nervously sweating with a group of who you assume are a few of his many brothers.
“So, like, dude! Saving Vaugarde?? Who’s idea was that??”
You snort under your breath.
“Well, Mirabelle came to the Defenders and nobody wanted to help,” you watch him say honestly with a smile. “And I got so mad that I chased her down and told her I’d come with her!”
The men burst out laughing like it’s the funniest thing they’ve ever heard. “You’re kidding! Oh Change, there’s no way! The Defenders refused her??”
“I’m serious! They were such crabs about it too! I was so pissed,” he laughs.
You watch one of them just snort. “Well I heard from the General that he sent an armada with her and helped her kill the King themselves. It’s no wonder you came back alive.”
“Actually, it was just us.”
The few of them turn to you with surprised looks on their faces.
“Me, Isa, and a few others who would be greatly offended by your blatant lies.” You give the group a bitter smile that you recall handing to Stardust multiple times.
The one with a large beard and an attitude that you just can’t stand raises an eyebrow. “Oh? And you were there?”
“Yes, he was,” Isa sternly cuts in. “And we can tell you that the King isn’t even dead.”
“What? Of course he’s dead, dude! How is the Curse gone if he’s not?”
“We reversed it,” you smirk. “Back onto him.”
All of boys look at you with a slow realization of the cruel irony.
“He’s still in Dormont if you wanna go see him.”
“Yeaaaah,” Isabeau groans. “Euphrasie was saying something about moving him to the center of town as a reminder.”
You cringe. “That ass has had enough attention. Personally I’d let him rot at the bottom of the river.”
A ring of chuckles surprises you. “What was it like fighting him?”
…you raise an eyebrow. “You should ask Isabeau. His memory is better than mine.” And with your sweetest smile, you scurry away from the conversation into the crowd.
You are forced to a late lunch with no new information, other than this room is full of fucking jackasses and you want to go home so blinding badly that it hurts.
Isabeau sits next to you, politely munching on a chicken leg, probably stress-eating a little at this point. You huff and take off your hat while you sip on your water, watching your reflection and making sure your hair isn’t glowing.
“How’re you doing over there?”
You peek over and raise an eyebrow. “I think I should be asking you that.”
“Why? I’m fine.”
Your feel your face bunch in frustration. “Isa, ever since we got here, you’ve been on edge.”
Isabeau opens his mouth to deny it before letting out a sigh of defeat. “Yeah, okay. I can’t really explain here though. Did you get any info?”
You shake your head. “Just that nobody’s seen the two of them either.”
“Crab, okay. That’s what I got too. I’ve been trying to get mom to talk, but she she hasn’t-”
“Attention!” Isa’s mother clinks her glass with her spoon. “I just wanted to make a little toast and thank everyone for coming out today. As we all know, Amelie and her husband weren’t able to be here for a very exciting reason!”
You glance at Isabeau. His attention is fully on his mother.
“They just had their baby yesterday, right after Vaugarde was unfrozen!”
Whoops and hollers and cheers ring out throughout the house, creating a deafening ringing sound in your ears, but you’re ignoring it. Isa looks…defeated. His shoulders are hunched and his eyes are full of hurt.
But you? You’re livid.
How dare she hurt her son when she probably knew that the reason he left in the first place was to go save his pregnant sister? How dare she ignore him, let his family belittle him, when he saved a blinding country for stars sake! He was the glue that kept your family together, the hope that kept you going for over ten years, the love you once yearned to return someday.
And even if you don’t love him like that anymore, you still don’t want to see him get hurt. Ever.
You throw back your glass of water like a shot, wishing it was vodka, and set it next to your untouched plate of food. “What infirmary?”
His mother pauses, surprised at your tone. “I’m sorry?”
“What infirmary is Amelie at?”
She blinks with a smile that curls your throat. “Why do you need to know?”
You snort. “Well, Isa didn’t save a country for nothing.”
The room is almost a deafening kind of quiet at your words.
“I thought that was a joke,” you hear someone whisper.
“Me too!”
“Didn’t Suzanne tell everyone-”
“Yeah, that he was still working-”
“He’s been gone this whole time?”
…you’re making this worse. You stand to leave, looking at who you believe is the Suzanne that they’re whispering about one final time. “What. Infirmary.”
She blinks at you. “…how should I know? She won’t even let me see-”
“Mother.”
Isa’s sharp tone makes you jump out of your skin, and- ohohohohoho, he looks pissed.
Suzanne sighs and rolls her eyes as if you’re the biggest inconvenience to her. “Main and Fourth.”
You nod, having no idea what she’s talking about, and begin to walk out of the house.
“Wait, Sif-”
But Suzanne’s sickly-sweet voice overshadows his nervous tone. “And where are you going? You haven’t even touched your lunch.”
“There’s no need for me to, ma’am, but thank you for your time.”
She’s starting to get more agitated. “Now wait just a-”
But so are you, the rim of your hat bunched in your gloved fist as you raise your voice. “With all due respect ma’am, I didn’t come here to watch everyone in this house insult your son after he saved an entire country. You should all be thanking him.”
Everyone shifts uncomfortably at that. Good. Let them simmer in their own consequences.
You’re opening the door when you hear the scratch of a chair.
“Wha- Isabeau! You’re not entertaining this nonsense!”
You hold it open for him with a gentle smile, watching him turn to her with a look you’ve never seen from him before - a cold, steel-slated look that reminds you of how Roboro looks at the world every day.
It makes your chest flutter. You’re disgusting.
“Have a good lunch everyone.”
You let Isa lead the way once again.
He hasn’t said a single word since you left his parents’ house. You know for sure that you are absolutely screwed the minute he comes to his senses and throws you away like the garbage you are, but, deep down, you know that you were right. You probably could’ve handled it better, but you defended your family. You’d do it again in a heartbeat, even if it meant you’d be tossed aside for your arrogance later.
“I’m sorry if I embarrassed you,” you finally say.
His shoulders twitch before relaxing. “It’s alright,” he manages. “We’ll just…have to go back and apologize later.”
You stiffen. “What?”
“For embarrassing mom.”
You stop. “…Isa, you can’t be serious.”
He pauses and turns. The look in his eye makes your heart ache. “Siffrin, you called her out in front of everybody-”
“After she used your sister as leverage to get you to stay in a situation you didn’t want to be in. And after she ignored you for most if not all of the party-” You count the reasons off on your fingers. “-let your siblings make fun of you in front of everyone, and even went as far as to say the papers were lying when they reported that you were helping Mirabelle.”
Isabeau opens his mouth, but nothing comes out.
You sigh. You should probably back off. He’s got a lot to think about. “Look. I’m sorry if I hurt you, but I’m not going to apologize for defending my friend. Especially if he’s surrounded by a bunch of jackasses who won’t let up on him.”
“Watch your mouth.”
You blink. You’re…not surprised of his anger, but you are definitely disappointed. “Are we close to the building?”
He inhales. “We are.” A beat goes by. “…I know what my mother did wasn’t right, but she’s still my mom. And I retain the right to be angry.”
You nod. “Of course.” You start to walk-
“At you, too.”
…he’s kidding. He’s fucking kidding, right? You swallow your pride. “I know.”
And you continue walking until you get to the corner of Main and Fourth, finding yourself in front of a small clinic with Isabeau plastering on a fake smile and you following suit.
The anger fades when you step into Amelie’s room.
Seeing Isa immediately go to hug her, asking her if she’s okay, if she’s healthy, if she’s safe, warms your heart. You quietly stand to the side, and take in your surroundings. Someone who you assume is Michel smiles at you. “Who’s your friend?”
“Oh, I’m L-Siffrin,” you lie. You’re such a bad liar nowadays. “I can step outside-”
“No, no,” Amelie says with a smile. “Were you with Isabeau and Mirabelle? To fight the King?”
“I was,” you smile. “Got there a little late.”
“Better than never,” Isa chuckles. “We couldn’t have done it without them.”
…Isabeau looks tired. You wonder if he’s actually angry at you, or if he’s just in denial. Or maybe he’s just putting on a really good show. You hide in your cloak. “It was nothing,” you mumble.
“Well I know it was more than nothing considering you were successful,” Michel snickers. “Come closer. Do you want to see her?”
You freeze. “I-Isa should see her first.” He’d be really angry at you if he didn’t get to-
But he’s shaking his head with a smile. “I’m gonna sit here and hug my sister. For like. Awhile.”
You snort. Fair point. He probably missed her so much. No wonder Roboro had a meltdown when they finally reunited. It was probably the realest confirmation that he was out, that he was free, that he was home, that he’d ever gotten.
You carefully approach the bassinet and peek inside to see…oh.
A little button nose sits between round cheeks and tiny, closed eyes. A crown of darkless curls matching Michel’s peeks out under her dark hat. She’s…so small.
It feels like you’re looking at the Universe itself. You hold the rim of the cart and grin. “She’s perfect. What’s her name?”
“Lottie.”
Isa perks up. “Like grandma?”
“Like grandma,” Amelie nods.
He sighs, resting his head on hers. “She’d be so proud of you.”
Amelie snickers. “She’d be so mad. She hated her name.”
“Did she?? Why didn’t she Change?”
“Something something ‘disrespecting her parents wishes’.”
Isa scoffs with a smile. “How did we come from a family of such close-minded people?”
“I genuinely have no clue.”
Watching them giggle together makes you feel warm and fuzzy and so very homesick. “I’m gonna go get some water. Amelie, can I bring you any?”
“She has a husband for that,” Michel laughs. “Come on, I’ll show you the way to the water fountains.”
The pair of you walk in silence until Michel shows you the fountain by the bathrooms and passes you a full glass.
“Thank you,” you smile with a sip. It tastes different than what you’re used to. The tap in Amonwood is crisp and clean, harvested from the melted snow in the surrounding mountains and filtered through a find of dam that Patricia told you also served as something called a “treatment plant”. You can tell that this hasn’t been cleaned as thoroughly as you’re used to.
…you’ve been spoiled for too long. You think you deserve to suffer for a little while.
“So,” Michel starts quietly. “Where are you from?”
“The island across the sea,” you respond. No need to lie to a stranger. “The forgotten one.”
His eyes widen a little. “Wow. You made it out, huh?”
You nod. “I was just a kid. Maybe a teenager. But I’m here.”
You’re surprised to see a warm smile from him. “Glad to meet you. I do have a question though. You seem…off. And so does Isabeau. Is there something going on between you two, or…?”
You snort. “No, no, no,” you gently correct. “I…we stopped by his mom’s place to find out where you two were.”
Michel nods understandingly. “Gotcha. Yeah, Suzanne is a pill.”
“That’s very polite of you to say.”
“I won’t talk ill of her, even if I hate her guts.”
You smile. “I respect that.”
“Appreciate it. So what happened?”
Oh boy. You inhale. “I might’ve blinded up.”
“Oh? Like…crabbed up?”
You nod. “A lot. Thoroughly. Maybe irrevocably.”
It’s Michel’s turn to laugh. “What, you tell her no or something?”
You blink. “I may or may not have told off Suzanne at the dinner table.” You explain to him what you saw: how the family treated Isa, how they treated you, and how they completely disregarded Isabeau’s wishes for basic information to the point where you had to publicly humiliate his mother to get it. “And now Isa is, understandably, pissed at me.”
Michel looks at you, eyes full of…awe? “Dude, you performed a public service that nobody else has had the balls to do for several decades at this point. Also you’re my new favorite person. Just saying.”
You can’t help how you burst out laughing before slapping a hand over your mouth. “Sorry, I’m so sorry,” you manage. “Ugh, it’s just…I’m not crazy?”
“Not even a little. Wish I could’ve been there to see it.”
“Is this a collective opinion with the in-laws?”
“Oh, yeah.”
The two of you snicker in the hall like conniving children, giggling over something you got away with. Somehow, it makes you feel better. “We should get back.”
You two continue to chat a little about Michel’s experiences with the family while you walk until you hear stern voices coming from Amelie’s room.
“You’re not letting mom see her first grandchild? Are you serious?”
Uh oh. You share a glance before collectively booking it, making sure Michel goes first. “Hey guys! Got your water sweetheart.”
“Thank you, dear,” Amelie sighs.
“Everything alright?”
She nods, but you clearly see the annoyance on her face. “Just telling Beau what we decided.”
You stand in the corner to finish your water and watch Isabeau unravel before your very eyes. “I just don’t understand, Mel. What could she have possibly done to warrant that?”
“You don’t get it. You and mom have always had a decent relationship, but me? She’s always picked me apart, always had something to say about my choices, and it’s always her way or the highway. She hijacked our baby shower, Beau. Made it entirely about her.”
“What about the name reveal?”
“We didn’t have one,” Michel responds coldly. “We actually gave her fake names because she was going around and telling the entire city what our child’s name was going to be.”
You watch how Isabeau’s grip on the bed railing tightens. “Look, I get that mom is complicated, but that doesn’t give you the right-”
“Oh for fucks sake Isa, it’s not your call to make!” Your own voice stuns the room into silence. “Suzanne could be a complete angel, and neither one of us would get a vote! They’re the parents! We have to respect their decision! End of story!”
Isa looks…pale. Oh, fuck. Fuck fuck fuck you messed up you messed up bad you’re disgusting and awful-
You force a deep breath. “My apologies,” you finally say quietly. “I shouldn’t have raised my voice.”
Amelie just smiles. “You’re okay. I understand.”
You nod, not meeting her gaze. “…I should go.” You tip your hat a little, and remember an old phrase that your people tended to say to new parents. “It was nice meeting you both. I wish for your baby to be healthy and safe.”
“Thank you,” Michel responds. “I wish the same for yours in the future.”
…wait. That was the response you used to hear…is he…?
You don’t let yourself think about it too much. You don’t know if the Universe will steal this memory from you too.
You give them a smile, and leave Isabeau with them, walking down the hallways to the exit alone until you hear his footsteps start to catch up with you.
Needless to say, dinner at Isabeau’s apartment was awkward as hell that night.
You couldn’t explain to the crew what happened without making Isabeau look bad, and Isa deflected every shot that was directed at him, which added up into conversations that were led by Bonnie of their adventure getting a wagon ride. You were fine with that, though. You missed hearing your kid talk, especially since they’re talking to you more nowadays.
…and you’re still leaving them all behind. Disgusting disgusting disgusting.
You’re washing the dishes, passing them to Mira to dry and put away, when you overhear Odile ask Isabeau to step outside for a moment. Your gut tells you that you’re next to be drilled into, but that never happens. They come back in, Isa somehow looking more tired by the minute, and announce that you and Bonnie will be bunking tonight on the couch while Odile, Isa, and Mirabelle share his room.
Your chest aches. You do everything in your power to not take it personally, but the punishment still stings.
You must’ve zoned out during bedtime, because when you come to, you’re surrounded by blood. Your blood.
Dripping from your arms, your legs, the star in your chest, you watch it pool below you. When you look up, Isabeau is there. His face looks mean, disgusted, angry, as he holds your bloodied knife.
“How repulsive. I wish I never met you, Loop.”
And suddenly you’re gasping awake on the floor, clutching your chest and forcing yourself to take several deep breaths.
You sit up and roll your shoulders. You miss your bed and Roboro and your cats and Moose and Patricia-
You stand and stretch out, stumbling towards the kitchen to find a glass container of milk that Odile had purchased earlier today. You pop the cork and pour a small amount into a mug.
The creaking of wood behind you gives you pause. “Could you pour one more?”
You turn to see Mirabelle in her night clothes, holding a lit candle and closing the bedroom door behind her. You smile. “Of course.” You pass her the cup you were pouring before getting another down.
She hops up on the counter and crosses her legs, fitting just right on the wood. You put away the carton, and join her. “So.”
You sip. It’s actually quite refreshing! “So.”
“…do you remember what happened today?”
You…sigh. You tell her everything you can recall, from how you snapped at Suzanne to how you scolded Isabeau later in the hospital. “I know I need to apologize to him. I was just so angry at his family, and then he started acting like them, and I…” You falter. “It just hurt to watch. It’s not an excuse, though. I know that at least.”
Mirabelle’s quiet for a moment, taking her own sips of milk, before she finally speaks. “You know,” she starts, “you’re braver now.”
You blink in surprise. “Sorry?”
“Standing up for Isabeau. Standing against him too when you knew he was in the wrong. That’s courageous.”
…she’s…joking. She has to be joking, right?
She snorts. “I’m serious, Siffrin. The time loop changed you, but…oh, Change, this is so insensitive, but…I like it?”
What.
“It’s a good change! You seem more…yourself? More confident?”
Well there’s no doubt about that. You definitely know who you are now. You folded yourself into who you wanted to be, like how Isabeau and Roboro molded themselves with clay. But confident?
“I just wanted you to know that I wasn’t there, but I’m like ninety percent sure that you did the right thing.”
You snort.
“Even before, you’ve always been very kind to others. And you have a good sense of judgment when it comes to safety. Unless it’s potions.”
You found out yesterday that you’re still banned from them, which was something that made you giggle. It still brings a smile to your face now.
“You’ve always been protective, to the point of self-sacrifice sometimes. And to protect someone I know you love that fiercely is something I wish I could’ve seen.”
“You would’ve been very uncomfortable. I…was pretty stern.”
“Still.”
You both giggle a little over your milk. “…Mira.”
“Hm?”
You think about Mirabelle, who disappeared after your fight. “Can I ask you a weird question?”
“Sure.”
“If you did something that you regretted. Or something…wrong. I guess. Or maybe even something right, but poorly executed. What would you do about it?”
Mira thinks for a moment. “I’d probably take some time to cool off first, but I think I’d just try to fix the problem, if not apologize.”
Your gut sinks. Should you…tell her? Everything? Even if she gets mad at you, even if she decides that you can never be friends from this moment onward, even if she thinks that you’re a blinding idiot for coming back or leaving in the first place, should you tell her the truth?
You yawn, big and wide, and cover your mouth. Mirabelle smiles. “Does that help?”
You nod. “Sorry. Tired. I have a lot to think about.”
“Don’t be sorry. How’re you feeling? Still Craft Sick?”
You shrug. “I don’t think I’m the best judge of that right now.”
She reaches over and feels your forehead. “Yeaaah, still a bit of a fever. You should’ve stayed in today. Maybe you can nap on the wagon ride over?”
Oh, you’re sleeping all right. “Already planning on it.”
She grins. “Good.” You watch Mira hop down and rinse out her mug before picking up a sleeping Bonnie from the couch. “Get some rest. Okay?”
You smile back, grateful for her sacrifice. And Isabeau’s in turn! Bonnie is unfortunately a kicker. “Thanks, Bells.”
“…Bells?”
Um. Well. That fell out. “Sorry. Is that okay?
Mirabelle, to your surprise, looks like she’s glowing with the warmth from her smile. “It’s perfect, Siffrin. Goodnight.”
You feel the star in your chest grow soft. “G’night.”
For the rest of that night, you dream of a baby.
Soft, darkless curls puff on her little head in a dark room, the only light being from a standing lamp in the corner. You feel Roboro’s arms wrapped around your shoulders, its breath against your skin.
“She’s perfect,” you whisper.
“She’s ours,” you hear it reply.
You blink, and she’s taking her first steps with Rob letting go of her little hands with the biggest smile on their face. Another blink, and she’s spreading her birthday cake on the table covered in wrap to clean up later. She’s running, growing, laughing. She looks more like her father as she gets older, even though she has your hair and skin.
You’re teaching her origami when she’s six or seven, wearing a dress her papa made her, when Isa gently shakes you awake. “Buddy?”
You blink, and- oh! You were…crying? “Sorry,” you whisper, wiping your cheeks dry with a sniffle. Your heart aches. You miss your family already. “Just a dream.”
“You don’t need to apologize.” Isabeau keeps his voice quiet.
You nod, and- Universe above, you can’t stop crying. You try to sit up and scrub at your face, but your lip is trembling and your shoulders are shaking and you feel strong hands gently pull you into a hug as you try to sob quietly. “I-I’m sorry,” you manage. “F-For yesterday. I just m-miss home.”
Isa gently rubs your back, his face in your hair. “It’s okay, Sif,” he whispers back. “It’s okay.”
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Kiloueka on Chapter 1 Sat 29 Mar 2025 05:39AM UTC
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Sharky_Lady on Chapter 4 Thu 27 Mar 2025 12:22PM UTC
Last Edited Thu 27 Mar 2025 12:30PM UTC
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BeautifulChaos56 on Chapter 6 Mon 31 Mar 2025 01:57AM UTC
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Thatguestnamedpie on Chapter 12 Wed 23 Apr 2025 07:50PM UTC
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thewholeKittyandKaboodle on Chapter 14 Thu 01 May 2025 03:31AM UTC
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SunshineSlug on Chapter 15 Sat 03 May 2025 05:49PM UTC
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TheRantingSage on Chapter 18 Sun 18 May 2025 06:38PM UTC
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Lilyfond on Chapter 20 Wed 28 May 2025 10:31PM UTC
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BeautifulChaos56 on Chapter 22 Tue 10 Jun 2025 02:11PM UTC
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BeautifulChaos56 on Chapter 23 Tue 17 Jun 2025 05:13AM UTC
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