✨welcome 2 hell✨

by MagnusOpum

Summary:

Pro-ana forum chatfic with some Pansmione thrown in. Featuring: That Bitch!Pansy Parkinson.

OR

Ironically, Hermione found the pro-ana chat room after a lesson on eating disorders in her Physical Health GCSE.

Notes:

a/n: tw EDs & queerphobia & gender identity issues, medical consequences of ED, near death experience, referenced obesity consequences, mental illness, blink and you miss it s/a reference
if you’re reading this to trigger yourself, this is your sign from the universe to recover. it’s never too late to recover and you deserve it. you’re worth it. you can live a life away from this shit :3. reach out for help here: https://butterfly.org.au/

my discord server: https://discord.gg/8gQyu8RPmq

Chapter 1: no coaching allowed

(00:18) hgrazer🍃 joined the chat.

 

(00:18) butt3rflybitch🦋: lmfao why do u have a leaf in ur name
(00:19) butt3rflybitch🦋: r u stonerexic

(00.20) hgrazer🍃: …

 

(00:21) hgrazer🍃 changed their name to hgrazer.

 

(00:22) hgrazer: I saw you had an emoji in your name and thought it was customary.

(00:23) butt3rflybitch🦋: awww u didnt hav 2 change it

(00:23) hgrazer: It’s fine.

(00:23)  butt3rflybitch🦋: sooooo r u a coach?

(00:24) hgrazer: A coach? As a job?

(00:24) butt3rflybitch🦋: LMFAO
(00:24) butt3rflybitch🦋: no

(00:25) hgrazer: What’s a coach?

(00:25) butt3rflybitch🦋: usually a pdfile LMAO
(00:25) butt3rflybitch🦋: but like
(00:25) butt3rflybitch🦋: u used caps n stuff so
(00:25) butt3rflybitch🦋: how old are u

(00:26) hgrazer: I’m 14.

(00:26) butt3rflybitch🦋: no shit me 2

(00:28) hgrazer: Are there actually pedophiles on here?

(00:29) butt3rflybitch🦋: yea bitch ✨welcome to the internet ✨
(00:29) butt3rflybitch🦋: u gotta be careful
(00:30) butt3rflybitch🦋: dont share pics of urself
(00:30) butt3rflybitch🦋: & if som1 wants to be ur ‘coach’
(00:30) butt3rflybitch🦋: then tell them to fuck off

(00:32) hgrazer: You seem to know a lot.

(00:34) butt3rflybitch🦋: LOL thnx

(00:35) hgrazer: So, this chatroom is for anorexia?

(00:35) butt3rflybitch🦋: mia 2

(00:35) hgrazer: ?

(00:36) butt3rflybitch🦋: mia = bulimia, ana = anorexia
(00:36) butt3rflybitch🦋: idk what EDNOS is
(00:37) butt3rflybitch🦋: mayb edna for ednos LOL

(00:38) hgrazer: EDNOS?

(00:39) butt3rflybitch🦋: the between bitches
(00:40) butt3rflybitch🦋: like they dont b/p ALL the time
(00:40) butt3rflybitch🦋: they don’t restrict like ana
(00:41) butt3rflybitch🦋: google it, idk

(00:42) hgrazer: B/p is…?

(00:43) butt3rflybitch🦋: LMAO u are so new
(00:43) butt3rflybitch🦋: wut r u doing on here
(00:43) butt3rflybitch🦋: like
(00:44) butt3rflybitch🦋: LMAO turn back now

(00:44) hgrazer: Turn back now?

(00:45) butt3rflybitch🦋: like this ur warning
(00:45) butt3rflybitch🦋: shit sux

(00:47) hgrazer: Will it help me lose weight?

(00:47) butt3rflybitch🦋: y u wanna lose?
(00:47) butt3rflybitch🦋: obese?

(00:48) hgrazer: Puberty.

(00:48) butt3rflybitch🦋: FELT KSJNGKDJN

(00:49) hgrazer: I hate my chest. I wish it would disappear.

(00:50) butt3rflybitch🦋: welcome to womanhood 👀

(00:51) hgrazer: Lol

(00:51) butt3rflybitch🦋: BITCH UR GETTING IT
(00:51) butt3rflybitch🦋: ull be speaking like ur 14 in no time

(00:52) hgrazer: I don’t know why people can’t use proper sentences.

(00:53) butt3rflybitch🦋: it boring
(00:53) butt3rflybitch🦋: n im lazy
(00:54) butt3rflybitch🦋: ur built diff, arent u

(00:54) hgrazer: I guess.
(00:56) hgrazer: Anyway, do you have any tips to lose weight? Like what are some ‘ana’ things that might help me?

(00:56) butt3rflybitch🦋: dont
(00:57) butt3rflybitch🦋: not worth it

(00:58) hgrazer: Please. I’ve tried everything.

(00:58) butt3rflybitch🦋: wut have u tried

(00:59) hgrazer: I made myself throw up yesterday. 

(01:00) butt3rflybitch🦋: awww sweetie
(01:00) butt3rflybitch🦋: so ur mia?

(01:02) hgrazer: I’m not anything, I just want to lose weight.

(01:03) butt3rflybitch🦋: wuts ur SW, GW, etc

(01:04) hgrazer: Explain the acronyms.

(01:05) butt3rflybitch🦋: SW = starting weight, GW = goal weight

(01:06) hgrazer: I don’t know

(01:06) butt3rflybitch🦋: just leave LMAO
(01:07) butt3rflybitch🦋: literally
(01:07) butt3rflybitch🦋: srry not srry
(01:08) butt3rflybitch🦋: talk to ur parents

(01:09) hgrazer: My parents don’t listen to me.
(01:10) hgrazer: I thought this was meant to be a pro ana chat room.

(01:11) butt3rflybitch🦋: its a support room
(01:11) butt3rflybitch🦋: for ppl w ED
(01:12) butt3rflybitch🦋: not a tips n tricks forum
(01:13) butt3rflybitch🦋: n im not gonna b responsible for ur ED
(01:13) butt3rflybitch🦋: no coaching allowed here

(01:14) hgrazer: Okay. I get it.

(01:14) butt3rflybitch🦋: idk if u do
(01:15) butt3rflybitch🦋: but ig since ur still here
(01:15) butt3rflybitch🦋: then ✨welcome 2 hell✨

 

(01:15) skinny0rbroke joined the chat.

 

(01:16) skinny0rbroke: augh

(01:16) butt3rflybitch🦋: BITCH UR BACK
(01:16) butt3rflybitch🦋: i fk knew it

(01:17) skinny0rbroke: i ate cake today i wanna kms 

(01:17) butt3rflybitch🦋: hows recovery goin

(01:17) skinny0rbroke: *cries in fat*

(01:18) hgrazer: You two know each other?

(01:18) butt3rflybitch🦋: unfortunately

(01:18) skinny0rbroke: whose this

(01:19) hgrazer: Who’s*

(01:19) skinny0rbroke: KICK THEM
(01:19) skinny0rbroke: I AHVE ENOUGH SHIT IN MY LIFE
(01:19) skinny0rbroke: DO NOT NEED BITCHSE CORRECTING MY GRAMMAR

(01:20) hgrazer: Sorry.

(01:20) butt3rflybitch🦋: LMFAO
(01:20) butt3rflybitch🦋: she’s being /j
(01:21) butt3rflybitch🦋: i think???

(01:21) skinny0rbroke: /SRS
(01:21) skinny0rbroke: /STFU

(01:22) hgrazer: Do I want to know what those acronyms mean?

(01:22) butt3rflybitch🦋: this is TONE TAG ABUSE
(01:23) butt3rflybitch🦋: be fr, @skinny0rbroke 

(01:24) skinny0rbroke: IDK HOW I FEEL BITCH
(01:24) skinny0rbroke: MY TONE IS  /CONFUSED

(01:25) butt3rflybitch🦋: FELT THO

(01:25) skinny0rbroke: THANK U

(01:26) hgrazer: You guys type so fast.

(01:26) skinny0rbroke: ok ur forgiven
(01:26) skinny0rbroke: 4 when u slandered me

(01:27) hrazer: What does “/srs” and “/stfu” mean?

(01:27) butt3rflybitch🦋: ur autistic but u dont know tone tags???
(01.28)  butt3rflybitch🦋: /srs = /serious and /stfu isnt a real tone tag
(01:28)  butt3rflybitch🦋: it means ‘shut the fuck up’

(01:29) hgrazer: I’m not autistic.

(01:30) butt3rflybitch🦋: o yea u just learnt ur social cues from an alien
(01:30) butt3rflybitch🦋: bitch plz

(01:30) skinny0rbroke: srsly who is this

(01:31) hgrazer: I’m new. I didn’t mean to insult you earlier.

(01:32) skinny0rbroke: nah we g
(01:32) skinny0rbroke: im just hangry
(01:32) skinny0rbroke: fml
(01:33) skinny0rbroke: the more i eat the hungrier i get

(01:33) butt3rflybitch🦋: sending u luv

(01:33) hgrazer: So you’re ‘ana’?

(01:34) butt3rflybitch🦋: she’s in “”””””recovery””””””

(01:34) skinny0rbroke: not my idea ;-;
(01:35) skinny0rbroke: apparently u can only say ur not hungry so many times b4 ppl get sus

(01:36) hgrazer: If you’re in recovery then why are you in this chatroom?

(01:37) butt3rflybitch🦋: BRUTAL

(01:37) skinny0rboke: BITCH. *cries*

(01:38) hgrazer: I’m… sorry?

(01:39) skinny0rbroke: nah u g
(01:39) skinny0rbroke: im here coz its shit
(01:39) skinny0rbroke: i h8 recovery n i wanna diiiiieeeee

(01:40) butt3rflybitch🦋: fr u doin ok?
(01:40) butt3rflybitch🦋: u cutting?

(01:42) skinny0rbroke: a lil

(01:42) butt3rflybitch🦋: clean that shit
(01:42) butt3rflybitch🦋: bandaids n stuff

(01:43) skinny0rbroke: ill do that when u take ur own advice
(01:43) skinny0rbroke: whens last time u ate

(01:44 butt3rflybitch🦋: this morning

(01:44) skinny0rbroke: ok
(01:45) skinny0rbroke: what was it

(01:45) butt3rflybitch🦋: 🍎

(01:46) skinny0rbroke: idk how u get away with this

(01:46) butt3rflybitch🦋: im not gonna tell u :3 ull copy me

(01:47) hgrazer: Aren’t you hungry?
(01:47) hgrazer: Like, when I try not to eat, I end up getting really hungry and then I eat lots.
(01:48) hgrazer: How can I not eat?

(01:49) skinny0rbroke: u coaching now, @butt3rflybitch🦋???

(01:49) butt3rflybitch🦋: no
(01:50) butt3rflybitch🦋: @hgrazer ur making me look bad
(01:50) butt3rflybitch🦋: pls stop asking for tips
(01:50) butt3rflybitch🦋: seriously
(01:51) butt3rflybitch🦋: i dont want 2 kick u but u need to stop

(01:52) hgrazer: Oh. Sorry.

(01:53) butt3rflybitch🦋: it fine, ik the struggle

(01:53) hgrazer: Nothing I do works.

(01:53) skinny0rbroke: mood
(01:54) skinny0rbroke: bitches im so over eating
(01:54) skinny0rbroke: i miss bein skinny
(01:55) skinny0rbroke: FML ;-;

(01:55) butt3rflybitch🦋: ur romanticising
(01:56) butt3rflybitch🦋: talk to ur therapist

(01:56) skinny0rbroke: shes tryna make me FAT
(01:57) skinny0rbroke: like LEGIT
(01:57) skinny0rbroke: she’s a WHALE
(01:57) skinny0rbroke: she wants me to be like her

(01:58) butt3rflybitch🦋: *skinny’s therapist when she tryin to save skinny’s life*

(01:59) skinny0rbroke: fuck my life
(01:59) skinny0rbroke: fuuuuuuuuuuuuuck my life

(02:00) butt3rflybitch🦋: FELT

(02:01) hgrazer: Well, it was nice to meet you two.

 

 💀

 <)>

  /\

 

Last night, Hermione joined a chatroom.

Strictly speaking, it was in the early hours of the morning rather than at night when she joined. But the point still stood.

 

The girls she had met, butt3rflybitch🦋 and skinny0rbroke, seemed to live in an alternate reality to Hermione’s. They spoke so casually about the things she’d promised herself never to reveal to another soul. The first girl,  butt3rflybitch🦋, was knowledgeable and empathetic. For all her warnings for Hermione to leave, she’d let her stay in the chat room. She’d listened to her. She also used the word ‘bitch’ like it was an endearment. 

 

Notably, butt3rflybitch🦋 was a hypocrite. For all her warnings, she’d told skinny0rbroke that all she had eaten that day was an apple. Hermione wished that she had that same level of self control and that she wasn’t a ‘mia’ as the other girl had put it.

 

The other girl,  skinny0rbroke, was a contradiction. She was in recovery but she had rejoined a pro-ana chat room. Hermione knew that  butt3rflybitch🦋 had called it a support room for people with eating disorders but to her, it definitely seemed like it was the sort of place you went to in order to get sicker. That’s why she went there, after all - to learn how to actually lose weight. 

 

Weight hadn’t always held such an important place in Hermione’s life but over the past few months, she’d grown to disdain her body. Her curves disgusted her and she felt like her chest was growing exponentially by the day. She wanted to disappear, to stop taking up space, but she didn’t have the ability to just say no to food. Hermione assumed it was a personal failing - she didn’t want it enough and therefore she didn’t do what she needed to do. 

 

The first time she’d thrown up had been three weeks ago. The thought had been creeping into her mind over a series of days. She knew, in theory, that it was a thing people did. She also knew that it was dangerous in some abstract way.

 

But she was desperate. The more she ate, the more she attempted to exercise, the tireder she got, until one day, she’d had enough. She’d scoffed a sleeve of biscuits after not eating all day and had hated how full and sickly she felt. Hermione had been nauseous so she’d listened to what her body had been telling her. It wanted me to be sick, she rationalised. Why else would she have felt so nauseous, like there was a slimy mixture in her stomach? 

 

Afterwards, she cried. She hadn’t felt much better despite relieving the pressure in her stomach. She still felt nauseous even after throwing up. Worse, now she felt ashamed. If only she hadn’t eaten in the first place, she wouldn’t have done this. If only she’d had some self control, she wouldn’t have been so disgusting.

 

Ironically, Hermione found the pro-ana chat room after a lesson on eating disorders in her Physical Health GCSE. Their teacher, Mr. Lockhart, was unabashedly incompetent. During the lesson, instead of emphasising the dangers of things like anorexia and bulimia, he had presented a slide-show of skinny women and said that “they weren’t really that attractive” and “if everyone looks like a model, then there’d be no doctors!” Notably, on the final slide in the resources list, there was a hyperlink to the pro-ana chat room Hermione had accessed last night which was titled as an ‘eating disorder support chat’. 

 

If only Hermione was less diligent in looking through the resources that her teachers gave her, then she might never have stumbled into the world of pro-anorexia and pro-bulimia. But, as it was, she felt relieved to know that she was no longer alone in her thoughts and glad that these thoughts weren’t really that far out of the norm.

 

After all,  butt3rflybitch🦋 and skinny0rbroke had spoken about fatness as if there was no greater burden. Hermione wasn’t insane for wanting to lose weight. In fact, she was only doing what came naturally.

 

At least, that was what she told herself when she next purged. It didn’t make the acid in her throat sting any less but at least she wasn’t alone anymore.

 

 💀

 <)>

  /\

 

Even though there was a strict ‘no coaching’ policy in the forum, Hermione still used the place as a way to keep herself accountable during her diet. Whenever she felt the urge to reach for fatty or sugary foods, she would instead log onto her laptop and distract herself with the outlandish and hilarious stories that butt3rflybitch🦋 had to share. The girl liked her and listened to her and that meant a lot when it was the norm for people to roll their eyes whenever Hermione spoke. Sometimes they waited until she wasn’t looking at them to do so but other times, they disrespected her right to her face.

 

She wasn’t alone in her toxic thoughts and she didn’t have to think about her quickly disintegrating friend group. Harrie and Ronnie had been getting closer lately as they were on Hogwarts School for Girls’ soccer team together. All she’d really had in common with them was shared proximity as Harrie and Ronnie had been the girls she’d shared a dorm with since her first year here. 

 

Frankly, she told herself, it was better that she wasn’t distracted from her goals. It was better to surround herself with likeminded people.

 

Being more committed also meant she was losing weight, even if it didn’t come off as quickly as she’d hoped for. She wasn’t as sneaky as butt3rflybitch🦋 and couldn’t get away with not eating at meals - and yes, the girl still refused to share her secrets as to how she did that - but with enough purging and exercise, Hermione was finally getting closer to the body she wanted. Every morning before classes, when Harrie and Ronnie were doing training drills together in the quadrangle, Hermione would check herself in the mirror.

 

Not lean enough, she’d frown, pressing down her chest to flatten it. She hated how she was developing and how she filled out her private school uniform. A tie and a blazer could only hide so much. Not thin enough.  

 

 💀

 <)>

  /\

(16:10)  butt3rflybitch🦋: guys im so fat
(16:10)  butt3rflybitch🦋: looking for a coach 🥺

(16:11)  gilded♥️: DM me @butt3rflybitch🦋  
(16:11)  gilded♥️: I can help :3

 

(16:11)   butt3rflybitch🦋 kicked gilded♥️ from the chat.

 

(16:11)  hgrazer: So that was a pedophile?

(16:12)  butt3rflybitch🦋: prolly
(16:12)  butt3rflybitch🦋: even if they werent
(16:12)  butt3rflybitch🦋: no coaching allowed

(16:13)  hgrazer: How are you today?

(16:13)  butt3rflybitch🦋: tbh today sucked
(16:13)  butt3rflybitch🦋: i gained ☠️

(16:14)  hgrazer: You gained weight?

(16:15)  butt3rflybitch🦋: yea
(16:15)  butt3rflybitch🦋: i ate like shit yesterday
(16:15)  butt3rflybitch🦋: so no surprise
(16:16)  butt3rflybitch🦋: n my period
(16:16)  butt3rflybitch🦋: wbu

(16:17)  hgrazer: What’s that mean?

(16:18)  butt3rflybitch🦋: wbu = what about u

(16:19)  hgrazer: Oh, well I threw up again today

(16:20)  butt3rflybitch🦋: thats dangerous

(16:20)  hgrazer: It felt good, weirdly. Like it felt bad but also good.
(16:21)  hgrazer: I am worried that my teeth might fall out if I do it too much.

(16:21)  butt3rflybitch🦋: it can happen
(16:21)  butt3rflybitch🦋: make sure not to brush right after
(16:21)  butt3rflybitch🦋: n have milk if u can
(16:22)  butt3rflybitch🦋: calcium is good 4 teeth

(16:24)  hgrazer: I just wish I’d stop eating. I feel like such a pig.

(16:25)  butt3rflybitch🦋: u eat coz u need to eat
(16:25)  butt3rflybitch🦋: to live

(16:26)  hgrazer: Right now losing weight is the only thing in my life that makes sense.
(16:27)  hgrazer: When I manage to not eat or when I throw up, it feels like I’m doing the right thing.
(16:28)  hgrazer: Then I feel guilty and ashamed.

(16:28)  butt3rflybitch🦋: yea
(16:29)  butt3rflybitch🦋: i get that

(16:29)  hgrazer: I don’t want to stop.

(16:29)  butt3rflybitch🦋: i get that 2

(16:30)  hgrazer: I feel like I’m at the bottom of this dark hole and there’s no way out. I feel so trapped.
(16:31)  hgrazer: In my body, in my life. I’m stuck.

(16:32)  butt3rflybitch🦋: have u considered talking to an adult
(16:32)  butt3rflybitch🦋: might help

(16:33)  hgrazer: I feel so ashamed.

(16:34)  butt3rflybitch🦋: ur not alone
(16:34)  butt3rflybitch🦋: ur body doesnt define u
(16:34)  butt3rflybitch🦋: i believe u can stop purging
(16:35)  butt3rflybitch🦋: if u wanted to

(16:36)  hgrazer: I don’t want to.

(16:36)  butt3rflybitch🦋: ok
(16:37)  butt3rflybitch🦋: coz it feels good?

(16:38)  hgrazer: I get so guilty after I eat. If I don’t purge then I’m going to get fat.

(16:39)  butt3rflybitch🦋: whats so bad bout being fat

(16:43)  hgrazer: You’re really asking me that? You’re anorexic.

(16:45)  butt3rflybitch🦋: i have ocd
(16:45)  butt3rflybitch🦋: thats why im ana
(16:45)  butt3rflybitch🦋: its a compulsion

(16:46)  hgrazer: But you don’t want to get help for it? OCD has treatments.
(16:47)  hgrazer: You tell other people to stop but you won’t do it yourself?
(16:48)  hgrazer: Why is that?

(16:48)  butt3rflybitch🦋: coz im a fat bitch
(16:48)  butt3rflybitch🦋: and a hypocrite

(16:49)  hgrazer: You can stop too, you know? It’s not just other people.

(16:49)  butt3rflybitch🦋: i cant
(16:50)  butt3rflybitch🦋: the idea is
(16:50)  butt3rflybitch🦋: if i even imagine it, i wanna kms
(16:51)  butt3rflybitch🦋: its too hard
(16:51)  butt3rflybitch🦋: some ppl can recover
(16:51)  butt3rflybitch🦋: but not me

(16:53)  hgrazer: Then why are you so certain that I’m one of those people?
(16:54)  hgrazer: Maybe I can’t do it either.

(16:55)  butt3rflybitch🦋: uve just started
(16:55)  butt3rflybitch🦋: ive been on this road too long
(16:55)  butt3rflybitch🦋: its too late for me
(16:56)  butt3rflybitch🦋: imma die
(16:56)  butt3rflybitch🦋: but at least ill be skinny 👑

(16:57)  hgrazer: Do you really believe that?
(16:57)  hgrazer: You’re not dead yet.

(16:58)  butt3rflybitch🦋: just leave it
(16:58)  butt3rflybitch🦋: stfu pls

(16:59)  hgrazer: I was only returning the favour.
(17:00)  hgrazer: Because you keep telling people to stop.

(17:01)  butt3rflybitch🦋: i wont tell u to stop anymore, k?
(17:01)  butt3rflybitch🦋: so leave it 

(17:03)  hgrazer: Okay.

 

(17:03)  ZeroCalSweetheart joined the chat.

 

(17:04)  ZeroCalSweetheart: I’m on a plateau 😭
(17:04)  ZeroCalSweetheart: just came here to complain

(17:05)  butt3rflybitch🦋: MOOOD
(17:06)  butt3rflybitch🦋: weight do be like that

(17:06)  ZeroCalSweetheart: thank u!
(17:07)  ZeroCalSweetheart: I was in a different chatroom and they were sooo invalidating
(17:07)  ZeroCalSweetheart: Like,,, it’s not the Anorexia Olympics ffs

(17:08)  butt3rflybitch🦋: bitches be hangry, bitches be competing 

(17:09)  hgrazer: A fight to the death but the fight is with yourself.

(17:09)  ZeroCalSweetheart: Depressing but true ig 😭
(17:10)  ZeroCalSweetheart: Also is anyone else dreading Easter?

(17:10)  butt3rflybitch🦋: sooooo much

(17:11)  hgrazer: I’ll probably binge, so yeah.

(17:11)  ZeroCalSweetheart: Could it be a fellow mia?

(17:12)  hgrazer: You’re bulimic?

(17:12)  ZeroCalSweetheart: No duh 😛
(17:12)  ZeroCalSweetheart: I wish I was ana but mehhh, I don’t have the willpower

(17:13)  butt3rflybitch🦋: dont put urself down
(17:13)  butt3rflybitch🦋: both are disorders
(17:13)  butt3rflybitch🦋: n both are dangerous

(17:14)  ZeroCalSweetheart: Yeah but only one is fat 😭
(17:16)  ZeroCalSweetheart: Legit I went to my doctor about my eating and he was like, “but ur fat????”
(17:17)  ZeroCalSweetheart: Like yeah- I have a binge/purge disorder-

(17:18)  hgrazer: You went to a doctor?

(17:18)  ZeroCalSweetheart: Yeahh

(17:19)  butt3rflybitch🦋: proud of u!!
(17:19)  butt3rflybitch🦋: u got this 💪

(17:20)  hgrazer: ♥️

(17:21)  ZeroCalSweetheart: Omg thanks u guys 🥺
(17:21)  ZeroCalSweetheart: This is such a nice community

(17:22)  butt3rflybitch🦋: awwwww
(17:25)  butt3rflybitch🦋: whats everyones plans 4 the rest of 2day

(17:26)  hgrazer: I have a homework assignment to do. It’s group work.

(17:26)  butt3rflybitch🦋: group work is painful fr fr

(17:27)  hgrazer: It’s with this girl that hates me, too. 

(17:28)  butt3rflybitch🦋: awww 
(17:28)  butt3rflybitch🦋: u dont deserve that

(17:29)  hgrazer: It’s fine. I’m used to it.

(17:31)  ZeroCalSweetheart: That doesn’t mean you should be!
(17:32)  ZeroCalSweetheart: Stand up for yourself 💗

(17:32)  butt3rflybitch🦋: or slip lax into her drinks
(17:33)  butt3rflybitch🦋: that might shut her up

(17:34)  hgrazer: Sometimes you concern me, butterfly.

(17:35)  butt3rflybitch🦋: i take that as a compliment

(17:35)  ZeroCalSweetheart: I think you could go to jail if you poison someone 🤔

(17:36)  butt3rflybitch🦋: itd be worth it tho
(17:36)  butt3rflybitch🦋: how else can u teach ppl not to fuck w u?

(17:37)  ZeroCalSweetheart: Sometimes avoidance is the best policy…

(17:37)  hgrazer: I think I’d rather take a more peaceful route.
(17:38)  hgrazer: I don’t want to make any enemies.

(17:39)  butt3rflybitch🦋: ijs 
(17:39)  butt3rflybitch🦋: stick up for urself, grazer
(17:39)  butt3rflybitch🦋: even if u dont give her lax
(17:40)  butt3rflybitch🦋: u can still speak ur mind

(17:41)  hgrazer: People tend to think I’m annoying and a know-it-all.

(17:42)  butt3rflybitch🦋: fuck them
(17:42)  butt3rflybitch🦋: ur going thru shit
(17:43)  butt3rflybitch🦋: u dont need that kind of noise in ur life

(17:44)  hgrazer: I wish more people saw it your way. Maybe then they’d leave me alone…

(17:44)  butt3rflybitch🦋: fuck bullies 🖕

(17:45)  ZeroCalSweetheart: Amen to that 🙏

 

 💀

 <)>

  /\

 

The world clearly had something against Hermione because for her homework assignment she had been paired with none other than Pansy Parkinson. The slimmer girl was a part of the cool clique at Hogwarts and never shied from making others feel unwelcome. Her platinum blonde best friend, Adra, and the slightly dim-witted Georgina and Violet who followed Adra around like imprinted ducklings, often teamed up with Pansy to make fun of Hermione. 

 

There were countless things to pick on her about: her hair, her freckles, her glasses, her teeth, her nerdiness, her holier-than-thou attitude. Hermione tried to pretend that they didn’t affect her but secretly every sharp quip was a spear through her heart. It hurt the worst when she agreed with them. She was awkward and did struggle to socialise with her peers. She wished that she wasn’t so blunt, that she held her tongue, that she didn’t raise her hand for every question in class. Hermione Granger wished she was a different person. 

 

She would be that person. She would become Her.

 

Oddly enough, pairing with Pansy wasn’t as bad as she’d thought it would be. Away from her clique, Pansy was less hostile and together, they quickly worked through the assignment. Hermione was gratified when she didn’t have to do it all by herself. Other people took advantage of how important academic success was to her. Pansy did her fair share, and, more than that, she didn’t say anything snide the entire time they were together.

 

That’s why it hurt all the more when the next time Pansy saw her in the halls on the way to GCSE Science, she sneered to Adra that Hermione’s cheeks were puffy. She’s clearly put on a few pounds, Adra snickered.

 

Hermione walked away with her head held high. Later that night, she purged and purged until there was nothing left inside her. She would become a girl that no one made fun of. She would become perfect.

 

 💀

 <)>

  /\

 

(10:45) hgrazer: Is it normal to faint?

(10:47) butt3rflybitch🦋: *this is ur sign from the universe to see a doctor*

(10:48) hgrazer: Shush, universe. 

(10:48) butt3rflybitch🦋: nah but fr
(10:49) butt3rflybitch🦋: u fainted 2day?

(10:50) hgrazer: It was after a purge. I stood up to get some water and my vision went black. I woke up on the floor.

(10:51) butt3rflybitch🦋: did any1 see u? like how long u were out 4?

(10:51) hgrazer: No.
(10:52) hgrazer: It confused me though. 

(10:52) butt3rflybitch🦋: wut about it confused u?

(10:53) hgrazer: I thought fainting happened due to undereating? I’ve been eating lots.

(10:54) butt3rflybitch🦋: when u purge a binge, u can get dehydrated
(10:54) butt3rflybitch🦋: that mightve been why u fainted
(10:55) butt3rflybitch🦋: it can also mess with ur heart coz ur salt and potassium levels get goofy
(10:55) butt3rflybitch🦋: try having some salt after to help rebalance ur electrolytes

(10:57) hgrazer: It was scary but it also felt good. 

(10:57) butt3rflybitch🦋: thats ED in a nutshell
(10:58) butt3rflybitch🦋: thing is that its dangerous

(10:59) hgrazer: Are you going to start lecturing me again about how I should stop purging?

(11:00) butt3rflybitch🦋: no, ijs
(11:00) butt3rflybitch🦋: u can die from this shit

(11:02) hgrazer: You said no and then immediately lectured me?
(11:03) hgrazer: You really are such a hypocrite, butterfly.

(11:03) butt3rflybitch🦋: dont start w me

(11:04) hgrazer: I’m just over your whole saviour complex. If you think it’s bad to do this stuff then you need to stop it yourself.
(11:04) hgrazer: There’s no such thing as a pro-ana pro-recovery chatroom.

(11:05) butt3rflybitch🦋: fuck off
(11:05) butt3rflybitch🦋: ik ur hangry or spooked, idc
(11:05) butt3rflybitch🦋: but i dont need this shit

(11:06) hgrazer: Sorry. 
(11:07) hgrazer: I just worry about you.

(11:08) butt3rflybitch🦋: im fine

(11:08) hgrazer: Are you fine? Really?

(11:09) butt3rflybitch🦋: u dont need to worry, k?
(11:09) butt3rflybitch🦋: worry about urself

(11:10) hgrazer: I care about you and I don’t want you to get hurt.
(11:11) hgrazer: You make it sound like you’re at death’s door, sometimes.

(11:12) butt3rflybitch🦋: im not, ok?
(11:12) butt3rflybitch🦋: im still fat
(11:12) butt3rflybitch🦋: i just know where this road ends
(11:13) butt3rflybitch🦋: ive lost ppl to it already 
(11:13) butt3rflybitch🦋: so i speak from experience

(11:14) hgrazer: I wish I could help you more.

(11:15) butt3rflybitch🦋: its ok
(11:15) butt3rflybitch🦋: lets try not bein codependent
(11:16) butt3rflybitch🦋: i get enough of that w skinny0rbroke

 

💀

 <)>

  /\

Chapter 2: bitch, no fair

Pansy Parkinson was a fat bitch. 

 

She hadn’t always been fat. At least, she hadn’t always known she was fat. Now it was all her brain thought about. It constantly reminded her.

 

Pansy Parkinson knew her brain was lying to her. 

 

Clearly, she was not a whale. She was not the fattest bitch in school. In fact, her scale read 99lbs and for her height, she knew that meant she was underweight. She could feel her collarbone poking out sharply. She knew her thighs did not touch. She knew that this trajectory was a plummet into the grave.

 

But that’s not what it felt like. 

 

She had to check. If she didn’t check, it felt like an overwhelming panic would overtake her. It began when she woke up. For a few minutes, she contemplated resisting. Then her brain would remind her: if you don’t weigh, what if you gained? What if you gained 10lbs? You need to weigh. She would try to play on her phone. She knew it was her OCD voice. 

 

Eventually, it broke her down. She would weigh. It had to be done correctly. Use the bathroom first, no clothes, first thing, no water, on that specific part of the floor. The other parts might squeak. You can’t let anyone know. She would adjust the scale. Weigh again. It might be incorrect. You need to change the battery. She would get out her other scale. They always said different numbers. It was maddening. Weigh again. Weigh ten times to make sure. Take the average. 

 

Then, she was allowed to drink water. Then, she could relax, if only for a moment. Her worst fears weren’t true. She hadn’t gained 10lbs. She was losing weight. 

 

In the past, she’d had anxiety about her health. She’d been terrified of getting sick, of it being her fault that she got sick. It transitioned into fear about her weight. She Googled the dangers of obesity. She read through the journal articles. She knew that fat was bad for you.

 

Being underweight is bad for you too, she told herself. Her OCD voice panicked. She couldn’t gain weight. She couldn’t get fat. If she started gaining weight, she’d keep gaining and gaining and then she’d get obese and then she’d die. 

 

Pansy managed to eat an apple for breakfast. The apple had weighed 165g before she ate around the core and 15g after. That meant she’d had 150g of apple which was the correct amount. That meant she’d had 78 calories which was under 100 calories which was good. 

 

The new girl in her chat room, hgrazer, always asked her how she had the self-control to not eat. Pansy wanted to say that it was the other way around. She couldn’t eat. If she ate, she would get sick. If she ate, she would die. Pansy wanted to say that she was hungry but she wasn’t allowed to eat. 

 

Pansy Parkinson desperately wanted to eat. Pansy Parkinson was a fat bitch who couldn’t eat.

 

If she ate, she’d die. No, no, that’s not true. Your OCD voice is lying to you. It’s not true. Pansy poked at her lunch. Adra was giving her a Look. She was jealous of Pansy’s weight loss. Adra had started intermittent fasting. Ever since Blaise Zabini had returned from anorexia treatment, Adra had excommunicated her. She’d said that it was gross. Pansy couldn’t tell Adra that she had OCD. Don’t eat that. Don’t eat that. Throw it away. Throw it away. Pansy brought her fork to her mouth and panic drenched her in a cold sweat. 

 

What was in this? It was beef lasagne. There was cheese in this. It could have listeria. It could be contaminated. What if the meat hadn’t been cooked? It had fat in it from the cheese. Fat was bad. Fat would clog her arteries. What are the calories in this? Don’t eat that. Throw it away.

 

Pansy put her fork back down and shoved the tray away from herself. She sneered to her friends, “Disgusting cafeteria food. Probably old.” She dug a granola bar out of her pocket. It had exactly 178 calories. She could eat half of it now and half of it later. She liked to eat the bar slowly. She would chew and chew and chew until she felt full. She didn’t worry about the plastic around the bar that she removed because there was plastic in everything. There was plastic in the water. There was plastic in her clothes.

 

There’s no escaping it. She leant into the nihilism, trying to soothe her anxiety.

 

It’s not contaminated, she said, as she chewed chewed chewed. It’s safe to eat. She reassured herself. She knew the reassurance was also a compulsion. It’s safe to eat. She repeated the mantra in her head. Again. It’s safe to eat.

 

Lunch was over and Pansy was relieved. She didn’t have to think about food until dinner.

 

 💀

 <)>

  /\

 

The day that Pansy Parkinson told her best friend that she had a crush on her was the day that she regretted doing so. Beautiful blonde bombshell Adra Malfoy had wrinkled up her mouth in disgust and ran out of the dorm to call her a lesbo in front of everyone. Pansy had run out after her and announced, as if she hadn’t just been outed against her will, “Actually, I’m bisexual!”

 

Welp. 

 

There went that friendship.

 

 💀

 <)>

  /\

 

(15:22) skinny0rbroke: how is everyone

(15:22) butt3rflybitch🦋: TERRIBLE

(15:23) hgrazer: Oh?

(15:23) skinny0rbroke: ok u tell ur story first
(15:24) skinny0rbroke: but ive got a BANGER of a story

(15:24) butt3rflybitch🦋: SO TODAY I GOT OUTED AT MY ALL GIRL’S HIGH SCHOOL

(15:25) hgrazer: Huh.

(15:25) skinny0rbroke: wait, WAIT
(15:26) skinny0rbroke: butterfly, i think i know u irl 
(15:26) skinny0rbroke: 👀

(15:26) hgrazer: I do too. You were outed as bisexual, right?

 

(15:27) butt3rflybitch🦋 has created a group chat called butterflybitches.
(15:27) butt3rflybitch🦋 has added hgrazer to the chat.
(15:27) butt3rflybitch🦋 has added skinny0rbroke to the chat.

 

(15:28) butt3rflybitch🦋: tell me yall are messing w me

(15:29) skinny0rbroke: BITCH DO U GO TO HOGWARTS

(15:29) butt3rflybitch🦋: OMFG

(15:29) hgrazer: 👀

(15:30) butt3rflybitch🦋: grazer just used an emoji 
(15:30) butt3rflybitch🦋: the end times have arrived

(15:31) skinny0rbroke: butterfly, ur pansy?

(15:31) butt3rflybitch🦋: BITCH NO FAIR
(15:32) butt3rflybitch🦋: first i get outed as bi and now im outed as ana
(15:32) butt3rflybitch🦋: spill
(15:33) butt3rflybitch🦋: who are u bitches

(15:33) skinny0rbroke: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
(15:34) skinny0rbroke: no offense but i dont wanna get doxxed

(15:34) butt3rflybitch🦋: BITCH 
(15:35) butt3rflybitch🦋: everyone knows im pansy now ☠️
(15:35) butt3rflybitch🦋: fml SO hard

(15:36) hgrazer: I don’t think you’d want to be friends if you knew who I was in real life, butterfly.

(15:37) butt3rflybitch🦋: im not that shallow
(15:37) butt3rflybitch🦋: pretty please w a cherry on top 

(15:38) hgrazer: Sorry.

(15:38) skinny0rbroke: me too. sorry bitch ♥️

(15:40) butt3rflybitch🦋: bruhhh
(15:40) butt3rflybitch🦋: so unfair

(15:41) hgrazer: I won’t tell anyone at school. I promise.

(15:41) skinny0rbroke: me too
(15:42) skinny0rbroke: dont get mad, pansy. 

(15:42) butt3rflybitch🦋: nothing good ever follows “dont get mad”

(15:42) skinny0rbroke: but u can be kinda petty
(15:43) skinny0rbroke: so i dont wanna tell u my irl 

(15:43) butt3rflybitch🦋: im not petty, i just dont take shit

(15:44) skinny0rbroke: i have a feel that the one who outed u is gonna PAY

(15:44) butt3rflybitch🦋: UR FEEL IS CORRECT
(15:45) butt3rflybitch🦋: ohhohohoho im lookin forward to this

(15:45) hgrazer: A small price to pay for biphobia.

(15:46) skinny0rbroke: PREACH

 

 💀

 <)>

  /\

 

It seemed like everyone and their neighbour was developing some sort of food issue which only made more sense when it was revealed that Mr. Lockhart was a creeper who’d been grooming his students. 

 

Yikes, was all Pansy thought, glad that she had never taken him up on the offer for private tutoring. 

 

He was summarily kicked out of the school and their GCSE Physical Education class was now taught by Mr. Snape. He was a dour man who liked to give long rambling speeches but he was also very funny and sarcastic. He had something against star soccer player Harriet Potter and her cronies, Ronnie and Hermione. The ginger girl had made it no secret that she thought Harriet and her were better than the other girls in their year. Pansy made it no secret how bad of a goalie Ronnie was. 

 

Hermione had been less uppity lately so Pansy had left her alone for the most part. She’d never especially gotten on with the uptight brunet but had had more on her mind. She did notice that the girl had lost some weight, a fact that Adra seemed to revel in denying. Hermione Granger also appeared quite bedraggled but Pansy assumed it was just because exam season was coming up. She was a girl who cared about her grades.

 

They’d worked on a project together and Hermione hadn’t been as uppity as Pansy had thought she’d be. Now that Adra had kicked Pansy from the clique, she did need to shop for some new friends. It would help if she could work out who her online friends were, seeing as they both supposedly went to Hogwarts. Who was hgrazer? Was it someone she knew or someone who had passed her by? 

 

Secretly, she wondered if she’d hurt hgrazer in the past and that’s why the girl hadn’t said who she was. It wouldn’t surprise Pansy. She wasn’t very good at being nice, sometimes, especially when egged on by her friends.

 

Pansy had her suspicions as to who skinny0rbroke was but she cared enough about the friendship that she hadn’t brought it up. Blaise Zabini stood out as the only girl in her year who had mysteriously disappeared for ED treatment. 

 

 💀

 <)>

  /\

 

(02:44) skinny0rbroke changed their name to skinny0rlove.
(02:44) skinny0rlove changed the chat name to hogwartshotties.

 

(02:45) butt3rflybitch🦋: helen longbottom??

(02:45) skinny0rlove: stop guessing ;-;

(02:46) butt3rflybitch🦋: GUYS u have to admit its unfair

(02:46) hgrazer: I plead the Fifth.

(02:47) butt3rflybitch🦋: ur american????

(02:47) hgrazer: I saw that on TV.

(02:48) skinny0rlove: graze, u shoulda said ur american
(02:48) skinny0rlove: it wouldve been HILARIOUS

(02:48) butt3rflybitch🦋: so mean to meeee

(02:49) hgrazer: Is no one going to talk about Lockhart?

(02:50) butt3rflybitch🦋: i mean
(02:50) butt3rflybitch🦋: the topic is getting boring at this point
(02:51) butt3rflybitch🦋: its all anyone talks about

(02:51) skinny0rlove: he didnt do anything to any of u guys, did he?
(02:51) skinny0rlove: this is a safe space ♥️

(02:52) hgrazer: No. 

(02:52) butt3rflybitch🦋: nah fam but thnx for ur worry
(02:53) butt3rflybitch🦋: im not surprised by him tho
(02:53) butt3rflybitch🦋: GL has always set off my creep radar

(02:54) skinny0rlove: REAL
(02:55) skinny0rlove: ik other girls were like “he kinda fit” but i was like, YACKING

(02:56) hgrazer: *Literally*

(02:56) skinny0rlove: LMAO

(02:57) butt3rflybitch🦋: i snorted out my diet coke

(02:57) skinny0rlove: graze hitting us w the dark humour

(02:58) hgrazer: As a certified mia, I can say that. /lh

(02:59) butt3rflybitch🦋: and she EATING with the tone tags
(03:00) butt3rflybitch🦋: autistic girls boutta take over hogwarts

(03:01) skinny0rlove: girl, how many times i gotta tell u im not autistic

(03:01) hgrazer: Me neither.

(03:02) butt3rflybitch🦋: *ROLLING MY EYES SO HARD*

(03:02) skinny0rlove: no fr

(03:03) butt3rflybitch🦋: how come we’re friends then
(03:03) butt3rflybitch🦋: coz i dont get on with neurotypicals 😭
(03:04) butt3rflybitch🦋: not even joking

(03:05) hgrazer: When were you diagnosed, butterfly?

(03:06) butt3rflybitch🦋: primary school
(03:07) butt3rflybitch🦋: tho my OCD didnt set in til later
(03:07) butt3rflybitch🦋: and they havent caught my ana yet 
(03:08) butt3rflybitch🦋: heres to hoping they never do 🤞
(03:09) butt3rflybitch🦋: *CROSSING MY FINGERS AND TOES*

(03:12) skinny0rlove: guys if i tell u guys something, will u not tell anyone
(03:13) skinny0rlove: even if it comes out who i am somehow

(03:14) butt3rflybitch🦋: i solemnly swear not to tell ur secrets

(03:14) hgrazer: Me too.

(03:15) skinny0rlove: …ok
(03:15) skinny0rlove: im gay

(03:16) butt3rflybitch🦋: 🌈🏳️‍🌈
(03:16) butt3rflybitch🦋: OUR NUMBERS GROW

(03:16) hgrazer: Congratulations!

(03:17) skinny0rlove: DKJNGKJNKDJNGK

(03:17) butt3rflybitch🦋: the lgbt is recruting rn
(03:18) butt3rflybitch🦋: GRAZE
(03:18) butt3rflybitch🦋: how do u feel bout girls 😊

(03:19) hgrazer: Intimidated.

(03:20) butt3rflybitch🦋: ANOTHER STRAIGHT BITES THE DUST
(03:20) butt3rflybitch🦋: a very gay way to feel

(03:21) hgrazer: Just because girls are scary doesn’t mean I’m gay.

(03:22) butt3rflybitch🦋: yes but it DOES mean ur autistic
(03:22) butt3rflybitch🦋: /j

(03:23) hgrazer: Can you please stop calling me autistic?

(03:24) butt3rflybitch🦋: why

(03:25) hgrazer: I’m not diagnosed with it and it makes me uncomfortable.

(03:25) butt3rflybitch🦋: oh, okay
(03:26) butt3rflybitch🦋: i didnt mean it in a bad way

(03:26) skinny0rlove: me *comes out as gay* u guys *we’re too gay for each other rn*

(03:27) butt3rflybitch🦋: ksjdngksjn

(03:28) hrazer: Thank you for listening to me.

(03:29) butt3rflybitch🦋: ofc
(03:29) butt3rflybitch🦋: what r friends for

(03:30) skinny0rlove: “friends” 👀

(03:30) butt3rflybitch🦋: DKLMGDKGN

 

 💀

 <)>

  /\

 

Pansy and hgrazer got closer as the weeks went by. Considering how alone she was in the real world, it was nice to escape into the online community she’d built. No one shamed her for her obsessive thoughts because they held similar beliefs. When she lost weight, they shared in her joy. When she struggled to eat, they commiserated. She wasn’t pressured to change or recover. She was allowed to slowly slip away into the night.

 

One night, hgrazer created a private chat with her and her slowly blossoming friendship went to shit.

 

 💀

 <)>

  /\

 

(16:12) hgrazer has created a group chat called butterflyandgrazer.
(16:12) hgrazer changed their name to egrazer.
(16:13) butt3rflybitch🦋 changed the chat name to 🦋 hogwartsgorls 🦋.

 

(16:13) egrazer: I’m trans.

(16:14)  butt3rflybitch🦋: hi trans im dad

(16:14) egrazer: …

(16:15)  butt3rflybitch🦋: LET ME TRY THAT AGAIN
(16:15)  butt3rflybitch🦋: my rhythm got messed up
(16:16) butt3rflybitch🦋: i was bout to ask y u changed ur handle
(16:16) butt3rflybitch🦋: but as i was typing u interrupted with the answer to the question

(16:17) egrazer: And you were left with no choice but a dad joke?

(16:17)  butt3rflybitch🦋: exactly
(16:18)  butt3rflybitch🦋: wish i could go back n say something cooler
(16:18)  butt3rflybitch🦋: my life is over.

(16:19) egrazer: We can start over if that helps?

(16:20) butt3rflybitch🦋: wait first let me change the chat name

 

(16:21) butt3rflybitch🦋 changed the chat name to 🦋hogwartsfiends🦋.

 

(16:22) butt3rflybitch🦋: ok, prepare urself
(16:22) butt3rflybitch🦋: from the top
(16:23) butt3rflybitch🦋: OMG EGRAZER, new name alert!!!
(16:23) butt3rflybitch🦋: wuts brought this on?

(16:24) egrazer: I’m trans.

(16:24) butt3rflybitch🦋: nice
(16:25) butt3rflybitch🦋: pronouns?

(16:26) egrazer: He/him,

(16:26) butt3rflybitch🦋: boring 🥱

(16:27) egrazer: Also, I have a crush on you.

(16:27) butt3rflybitch🦋: JUMPSCARE

(16:28) egrazer: Why are you like this?

(16:28) butt3rflybitch🦋: have u never heard of pacing?!
(16:29) butt3rflybitch🦋: ur dropping BOMBSHELLS
(16:29) butt3rflybitch🦋: let me find shelter, bitch
(16:30) butt3rflybitch🦋: also i mean bitch in the masculine way
(16:30) butt3rflybitch🦋: AKA ur my boy bitch

(16:31) egrazer: This is probably why I have the crush.

(16:32) butt3rflybitch🦋: on ME or IRL ME?

(16:33) egrazer: There’s a difference?

(16:34) butt3rflybitch🦋: ye
(16:34) butt3rflybitch🦋: or
(16:34) butt3rflybitch🦋: no???
(16:34) butt3rflybitch🦋: idk
(16:35) butt3rflybitch🦋: pass
(16:35) butt3rflybitch🦋: phone a friend
(16:36) butt3rflybitch🦋: y isnt skinny in this chat?
(16:36) butt3rflybitch🦋: shes my emotional support friend

(16:36) egrazer: Oh

 

(16:37) egrazer added skinny0rlove to the chat.

 

(16:38) butt3rflybitch🦋: SO NOW WE HAVE TWO GROUP CHATS?! NANI??
(16:38) butt3rflybitch🦋:  we coulda moved chats-

(16:39) egrazer: I’m just trying to respect your boundaries.

(16:41) butt3rflybitch🦋:  idk what to say to that

 

(16:41) butt3rflybitch🦋 kicked skinny0rlove from the chat.

 

(16:43) egrazer: Do you like me back?

(16:44) butt3rflybitch🦋:  idk if its fair for me to date anyone, tbh
(16:44) butt3rflybitch🦋:  like im rlly messed up, graze
(16:45) butt3rflybitch🦋:  ik u r 2
(16:45) butt3rflybitch🦋:  but i dont want us to make each other worse

(16:46) egrazer: But in a perfect world, would you want to date me?

(16:47) butt3rflybitch🦋:  its not a perfect world

(16:48) egrazer: You’re being evasive. I just want to know, yes or no, do you have feelings for me?

(16:49) butt3rflybitch🦋: u know wut i feel?
(16:49) butt3rflybitch🦋: i feel hungry
(16:50) butt3rflybitch🦋: starving
(16:50) butt3rflybitch🦋: i hate myself
(16:51) butt3rflybitch🦋: i hate this world
(16:52) butt3rflybitch🦋: i hate my brain
(16:53) butt3rflybitch🦋: thats what i feel. there isnt room for anything or any1 else

(16:53) egrazer: Maybe you’re right.

(16:53) butt3rflybitch🦋: i dont want to make u sicker
(16:54) butt3rflybitch🦋: thats wut ive been saying this entire time

(16:55) egrazer: If I hadn’t met you, right now I would be alone.
(16:55) egrazer: I wouldn’t have opened up to anyone. I could’ve killed myself.

(16:56) butt3rflybitch🦋: u are killing urself alr
(16:56) butt3rflybitch🦋: im not a good person, graze
(16:57) butt3rflybitch🦋: u know this
(16:57) butt3rflybitch🦋: u know me irl
(16:57) butt3rflybitch🦋: im a bully

(16:59) egrazer: Butterfly, I want to tell you who I am irl so that you can better decide how you feel.

 

(16:59) butt3rflybitch🦋 has left the chat.

 

 💀

 <)>

  /\

 

Fuck, Pansy thought, in a flurry of panic. She- he had just had to ruin things. They’d been perfectly good as friends but now there was this added expectation. 

 

With romance came drama. With romance came betrayal. How would he feel when she compared their bodies, their weight loss? What kind of love would it be if everytime they were together, Pansy was thinking about how she looked in egrazer’s eyes? How long would it last before he decided Pansy was too autistic, too fucked up, and too much to deal with?

 

No. It was best to end it here before she got her heart broken again. It hurt but sometimes hurt was necessary. She knew that because she always hurt. She always hungered. She lay awake at night with acid reflux and a yawning void in her stomach. She did so with a purpose. She did so to appease her anxiety and to become a perfect woman. 

 

She hurt and therefore she knew she was alive. 

 

But she hadn’t been such a masochist that she wanted to know egrazer’s real life name. If she knew who he was then surely she wouldn’t have the resilience to hold herself back. It would be too torturous to walk by him in the halls everyday, knowing that he liked her, knowing that the oblivion of ruining each other was just a conversation away.

 

So, Pansy had left her own forum and isolated herself from the only support network she had. Her parents didn’t want to hear about her newest issues. Her parents hadn’t even wanted a girl in the first place and Hogwarts was the perfect place to send her away. Pansy Parkinson, the broken daughter who had been born with too much madness and too little sense.

 

It was better this way.

 

💀

 <)>

  /\

Chapter 3: butterfly ex machina

Notes:

tw for major medical event, life/death situation, wanting to relapse, references to negative IP experiences and implied creepy Lockhart stuff, casual transphobia from family

Blaise was wayyyyyyyyy in over her head. She was procrastinating three essays and scrolling on her phone, the anxiety in her stomach curdling like spoilt milk. 

 

Blaise was incredibly resentful of her IP experience. There were no specialist eating disorder spots available near Hogwarts so she’d been admitted into the local General Psych Ward. Surrounded by noisy and scary older people, she’d been threatened with an NG-tube until she’d begun eating her meals and gaining weight. For two months, she’d had one psychologist appointment a week where they checked in on whether she had given into their demands and fat-making ideology. 

 

Yes, physically, she did feel better. Despite the bloating - oh god I hope it’s bloating - and the existential horror of being forced into a body of this size, she wasn’t so bone-deep cold anymore and she didn’t hurt when she sat down. Her head was clearer and she could finally sleep. Blaise’s least favourite part of starving had been insomnia. She had a “healthy colour” and a “healthy weight” and all she needed was a “healthy mind.”

 

Augh. 

 

The stress made her want to skip dinner. It was so tempting. She could do the chew/spit cup trick she’d read about. Even if she only ate half of the calories, she’d still lose weight eventually. From her googling, she could even hide it from her doctors if she did it right. If they didn’t weigh her in a gown, she could put rocks in her pockets so it looked like she was maintaining. If she wore enough layers, they wouldn’t notice the loss.

 

They’d made her gain higher than she’d started with. That was cruelty of a measure she couldn’t bear. She was never going back to IP if she could help it.

 

Blaise buried her face in her pillow. Augh. That was her ED voice. That’s what her psychologist had told her. It wasn’t in her best interest. It wanted her sick and weak. 

 

But if I look sick, she bit her lip, then men like Mr. Lockhart never would have looked at me. 

 

Blaise had secrets. Everyone at Hogwarts had secrets - but Blaise especially. She was a proficient liar. She had to be. If anyone ever found out the truth, they’d pity her or be disgusted. Her mother would, especially. Her mother didn’t tolerate violent men. Her mother “handled” them.

 

She scrolled through some thinspiration. The accounts claimed they weren’t “pro-ana” and that soothed Blaise’s guilt. She shouldn’t search out triggering stuff. She should work on her essays. Pay it forward to your future self, Blaise reminded herself. It was almost painful to close the window.

 

She logged onto the forum.

 

(23:22) anacoach99 has joined the chat.

 

(23:23) anacoach99: hey babes, if anyone wants help losing weight, private message me ♥️

 

(23:24) skinny0rlove has kicked anacoach99 from the chat.

 

(23:24) skinny0rlove: augh
(23:25) skinny0rlove: i hate being admin

(23:26) ZeroCalSweetheart: butterfly isnt back yet? I havent seen her in a while

(23:27) skinny0rlove: butterfly and graze are having relationship drama 😭
(23:27) skinny0rlove: hru

(23:28) ZeroCalSweetheart: I’ve started recovery again 👍
(23:29) ZeroCalSweetheart: This is my 10th attempt? Something like that. I’ve been dealing with mia stuff for over 20 years now

(23:30) sknny0rlove: o woa rlly?

(23:31) ZeroCalSweetheart: Yeah, I’m an old lady, darlin

(23:32) skinny0rlove: does it eva get easier?

(23:33) ZeroCalSweetheart: In some ways… I’m part of the unlucky 10% with SEED

(23:33) skinny0rlove: SEED?

(23:34) ZeroCalSweetheart: Severe and Enduring Eating Disorder

(23:35) skinny0rlove: its hard to imagine dealing with this that long

(23:36) ZeroCalSweetheart: Most people don’t. 

(23:37) skinny0rlove: i just wish i could stop thinking about it
(23:37) skinny0rlove: my body, my life
(23:38) skinny0rlove: i wish things were easier

(23:39) ZeroCalSweetheart: You’ll get there. Don’t give up

(23:40) skinny0rlove: ty

 

(23:40) Bella has joined the chat.

 

(23:41) Bella: heyyyy
(23:42) Bella: reached my ugw. not sure what to do

(23:43) skinny0rlove: oo congrats
(23:43) skinny0rlove: how does it feel

(23:44) Bella: like not enough
(23:44) Bella: i still look fat in the mirror

(23:45) skinny0rlove: mayb its not u, mayb its the mirror

(23:46) Bella: wut?

(23:47) skinny0rlove: mayb its ur eyes deceiving u

(23:48) Bella: i am mentally ill
(23:48) Bella: so yea

(23:49) skinny0rlove: sorry
(23:49) skinny0rlove: long week
(23:50) skinny0rlove: not making much sense ;-;

(23:51) Bella: its ok
(23:51) Bella: how u doin

(23:52) skinny0rlove: been better

(23:52) ZeroCalSweetheart: hope everyone does better ♥️
(23:53) ZeroCalSweetheart: I’ve got to go to work. bye, girls

(23:53) Bella: wuts up

(23:54) skinny0rlove: bye, zerocal

(23:54) Bella: byeee

(23:56) skinny0rlove: @Bella thinkin bout relapsing

(23:57) Bella: whys that

(23:58) skinny0rlove: its gonna sound selfish

(23:58) Bella: no, go ahead
(23:59) Bella: im listening

(00:00) skinny0rlove: my bff is skinner than my lw

(00:01) Bella: ohh

(00:02) skinny0rlove: ik its stupid but i worry she thinks im fat now
(00:03) skinny0rlove: that she thinks im weak

(00:04) Bella: i dont think that

(00:04) skinny0rlove: 👀
(00:04)  skinny0rlove: ?

 

(00:05)  Bella changed their name to butt3rflybitch🦋.

 

(00:06) skinny0rlove: BUTTERFLY EX MACHINA

(00:06) butt3rflybitch🦋: DONT U DARE RELAPSE BITCH

(00:07) skinny0rlove: AAAAA

(00:07) butt3rflybitch🦋: *BATMAN NOISES*
(00:07) butt3rflybitch🦋: I AM THE NIGHT

(00:08) skinny0rlove: wut u doing back
(00:09) skinny0rlove: wait was that fr earlier
(00:09) skinny0rlove: u reached ur ugw??

(00:10) butt3rflybitch🦋: yeah 😭
(00:10) butt3rflybitch🦋: it sux
(00:11) butt3rflybitch🦋: egrazer left 2, right?

(00:12) skinny0rlove: y u avoiding him
(00:13) skinny0rlove: coz he’s trans?

(00:13) butt3rflybitch🦋: no. hes crushing on me
(00:14) butt3rflybitch🦋: and im bad news

(00:15) skinny0rlove: *me taking ur self esteem to the car wash*

(00:16) butt3rflybitch🦋: ur gonna wash away my self esteem???

(00:17) skinny0rlove: OK IM BAD AT METAPHORS

(00:18) butt3rflybitch🦋: DAMN RIGHT U ARE

(00:20) skinny0rlove: fuck i missed u

(00:21) butt3rflybitch🦋: missed u 2
(00:22) butt3rflybitch🦋: …does this mean ull tell me who u are irl
(00:23) butt3rflybitch🦋: coz i got some weed gummies i could share

(00:24) skinny0rlove: u tryna get me to snack?!

(00:25) butt3rflybitch🦋: wellllll if its a competition ur after LMFAO

(00:26) skinny0rlove: ur so toxic, i love it

(00:27) butt3rflybitch🦋: 😭
(00:27) butt3rflybitch🦋: nah but fr
(00:28) butt3rflybitch🦋: u doing ok?

(00:29) skinny0rlove: im fine. its u im worried about

(00:30) butt3rflybitch🦋: thnx for bein admin in my absence
(00:31) butt3rflybitch🦋: i do appreciate it

(00:32) skinny0rlove: ik u care bout this place

(00:33) butt3rflybitch🦋: its not much but its a net

(00:34) skinny0rlove: a butterfly net 😮

(00:34) butt3rflybitch🦋: LMAO

 

💀

 <)>

  /\

 

Evan- Hermione had an empty pit in her stomach. A void ached inside him- her. 

 

She wasn’t going to think about what her mum had said. I love your name, Hermione. It’s a beautiful name. She ate and ate and ate. Her stomach bulged out beneath her chest and it hurt. She strained and felt like she was going to burst open.

 

“Oh god.” Back to the toilet. Don’t think about it. How could you, mum? I trusted you. 

 

“A normal life,” Hermione muttered. Crunch, crunch, crunch. It was a primal experience. The sweet ecstasy of sugars and fats. Her body hungered. She was so hungry. She could stop. She would just eat a little bit. 

 

Couldn’t you try to live a normal life? This is a hard path to choose. Are you sure? 

 

Hermione had kowtowed to her mother. She’d bit back her furious tears. She’d said she’d try. She loved her mum. She didn’t want to lose that love and support. 

 

Tearily, she knelt again. Harrie and Ronnie were out at soccer practice. She had the room to herself. Sobbing, she triggered her gag reflex. Release. She couldn’t stop crying. She couldn’t stop eating.

 

On the fourth binge/purge, Hermione began to feel unwell. She looked down and the toilet was filled with a dark red. Tha back of her throat burned terribly and there was a sharp stabbing pain in her abdomen. This was different to the nausea and the dizziness. It felt like an elephant was sitting on her chest. She couldn’t catch her breath. She fumbled for her phone.

 

Pansy had made it clear that she didn’t want to be around Hermione. Mum was probably right. Even though Pansy is bisexual, she knows that it’s not normal to be trans. She felt guilty but desperate as she typed in the name of the forum. 

 

(19:40) butt3rflybitch🦋: and then i said to her
(19:41) butt3rflybitch🦋: bi bitches get babes

 

(19:41) egrazer has joined the chat.

 

(19:42) butt3rflybitch🦋: …

(19:43) egrazer: I’m sory to rejon. I know it’s akward. I’m ust freakng oud.

(19:44) butt3rflybitch🦋: whats up?

(19:46) egrazer: I’m scred. My chest feels weird and I fel short of breath. I loked in the toilet and there ws a lot of blood. Am I oerracting?

(19:46) butt3rflybitch🦋: CALL 999
(19:47) butt3rflybitch🦋: where are u rn

(19:47) egrazer: 9B

(19:47) butt3rflybitch🦋: omw

 

Evan stumbled towards the door to his dorm and flicked the lock. Then the world went black.

 

💀

 <)>

  /\

 

Her veins were flooded with adrenaline. The normally exhausted Pansy Parkinson’s brain was lit up with need. She had to move, fast. She had to get there before she lost another friend to this horrible disease. 

 

He lived in 9B. The thought repeated in her head. Who was she running to? Who lived in 9B?

 

Harriet, Veronica, Hermione. Which one of them was dying? The soccer star crumbling under the stress? The ginger fuelled by the desire to stand out from her brothers? The bookworm who never quite fit?

 

A door ajar. Wheezing breaths. The sound of sirens. Red and blue lights filtered through the window as the ambulance arrived. Blaise had called. 

 

Pansy knelt by his side. Her heart froze in terror as she saw the blood trickling out of his mouth. “What have you done, Granger?” She checked his breathing. It was raspy and wet. 

 

“Stomach hurts,” he whined. His eyes were bloodshot and half-lidded. She could smell something foul coming from the bathroom.

 

“No shit,” Pansy muttered. She held his hand. It was slick and pretty gross but it hardly mattered. She brushed her free hand over his face, gently. “You’re going to be okay,” she lied, the crease in his brow smoothing out as he lost consciousness.

 

After the paramedics arrived and were informed of the situation - he’s bulimic, yes, I mean, she, shit, I think she tore her stomach - Pansy kept sitting for a long time. She didn’t feel the hand that Blaise put on her shoulder for many minutes, still staring at the space where Granger had been dying.

 

“Is she going to be okay?” Harrie Potter whispered, scaredly, from the doorway. “Did Hermione really do this to herself?”

 

Pansy shot the soccer player a glare. “Granger is unwell. ” She wasn’t going to add outing Granger to the boy’s list of problems. She’d do her best to avoid pronouns altogether.

 

Shock-blanket on her shoulders, Pansy felt the energy that had pulsed through her dissipate. She was bone-tired. She let herself be led away in a zombie-state. Her brain could barely comprehend what had happened. 

 

“Granger will be okay,” Blaise said, sincerely. “When’s the last time you ate, Pans?”

 

“I’m not hungry.” For once, it wasn’t a lie. Despite everything she knew, she still felt panicked at the idea of eating at this time of day. She was not allowed to eat in the evenings. She didn’t want the calories to store as fat. She’d read that somewhere.

 

Her brain itched to Google it. Find out the truth. The shock was wearing off and the anxiety was screaming back to life. Find out the truth. Google it. You have to know. Pansy pulled out her phone and typed into the search engine, ‘does eating late in the day cause weight gain?’

 

Blaise stared at her. “Seriously? After what just happened?”

 

“I’m fine,” she said, stiffly. She scanned the information. She already knew all of it but she had to check in case the information had changed. She had to reassure herself that she was making the right decision. It was correct not to eat, now. She couldn’t. She was right.  “If you have a problem with it, you can leave.”

 

Blaise let out a sad sigh. She said, quietly, “I’m going to make myself a hot chocolate to warm up. I’ll make a second one and leave it on the kitchen side.”

 

“Thanks.” When her friend returned, Pansy let Blaise put her arms around her and pull her close. Shoulders shaking, neither girl commented on the tears or the hitched breaths. 

 

“He’s in the hands of the experts,” Blaise said. “He’s where he’s meant to be.”

 

I could have stopped it, Pansy hated herself ferociously. If I hadn’t reacted so weirdly to him asking me out, Granger would still be on the forum. He’d have support. He’d never have been so reckless. 

 

It’s my fault. 

 

💀

 <)>

  /\

Chapter 4: ✨ welcome to the rest of your life ✨

Hermione- Evan- Hermione-

 

Augh.

 

Evan didn’t 100% know who he was but he did know this: he was tired, on pain medication, and shaken from his near-death experience. You’re lucky to be alive, miss rang in his head like a bad omen. He wished he was someone else. He wished he wasn’t trans. He wished he didn’t hate his body. He wished he was skinny.

 

It was messed up but when they’d said he didn’t need a feeding tube because he was “at a healthy weight” it made him feel like he wasn’t sick enough. It was made worse when one of the nurses on the ward had commented that he already “looked great”.

 

That wasn’t what it was about. Not really. It was about the high, the low, the foodlust, the self-shame, and the belief that next time would be different.

 

If only food wasn’t so delicious; if only Evan wasn’t a glutton; if only the world wasn’t so overwhelming.

 

He didn’t want to grow up. He didn’t want a “womanly body”. He didn’t want to be him.

 

It was messed up but he hoped that he’d lose weight in the hospital. His ruptured throat was stitched up but his body still needed to heal. Would the lack of binging offset the bedrest? Would the energy used to heal cost more than the stress-amplified appetite?

 

“Hermione?”

His head shot up at the familiar voice in the doorway of his room. “Helen?” Helen Longbottom was the fattest girl in their year. It wasn’t a nice thought but it was a true one. Second only to her big size was her big heart. She was sensitive, kind, and a good friend. Evan hated how he judged her for her appearance, hated how his perception had become even more skewed due to his disorder. 

 

“Hermione!” Teary-eyed, Helen came forward and wrapped Evan in a tight hug. 

 

“Ouch,” the hospitalised school student yelped. Helen immediately retracted her grip. “Still a bit sore from, yeah.” His voice was hoarse and it hurt to speak. Evan rubbed at his throat self-consciously. 

 

Helen sat by his bedside in silence for a few minutes. The two Hogwarts pupils simply soaked up each other’s companies. Helen glanced down at the Russell’s sign on Evan’s right hand and said, “I have BED. Binge Eating Disorder, it’s the most common but no one really knows about it. Like, it's not in movies. I guess, it's not very glamorous or artfully tragic.” She laughed, ruefully. “My mum has it too. It’s not as drastic as some of them. Most of the country is fat, after all, but it’s still deadly. My whole family is obese but my mum has it the worst of all of us. She had a stroke last year.” Evan didn’t know what stopped him from comforting Helen, whether it was wanting to rest his throat or not knowing how to respond or just blanking out on what words could express enough sympathy.

 

Helen squeezed Evan’s hand. “It’s kinda like we’re living each other’s greatest fears?” The Hogwarts girl cocked her head to the side, thoughtfully. “I mean, not quite, but I’m sure you’d be terrified of being my size and honestly, I want to avoid sitting in your position. I don’t want to end up like my mum, in a hospital bed, immobile, not knowing if the next time would be the last time I wake up from the ventilator.” She sighed. “I’m oversharing, aren’t I?”

 

“Kinda,” Evan whispered. It wasn’t the nicest thing to say but it was honest. “I don’t mind,” he added.

 

“I knew you were messed up,” Helen confessed, guiltily. “I saw how you ate at meals and how you weren’t gaining any weight. I saw how puffy your cheeks got, no offence or anything… I didn’t say anything. I didn’t want to make it weird and now you’re in hospital.” The girl got choked up. She released Evan’s hand from her grip and bunched her own hands into fists by her sides. “You’re on that forum, aren’t you? Yes, I know about it. I used to lurk on there. Pansy’s forum, right?”

 

Eventually, after a long pause filled with Helen’s intense staring, Evan nodded.

 

“This will kill you.” Helen said, bluntly. Evan was frankly surprised that the normally timid girl was being this upfront with him. It spoke volumes as to the gravity of his situation. “Look, I’m serious, okay, and I’m not saying that just because of what happened tonight. Look, I used to be on the forum because my older sister was. She thought she was invulnerable. She was Pansy’s friend, actually.” 

 

Helen had Evan’s gaze in hers and she kept it, unblinkingly. “She abused diuretics. She wanted to lose weight so badly that she lost her life.” She laughed in a bitter brittle way that made Evan want to crawl out of his skin even more than he already did. “She’s just bones by now so I guess Mary got what she wanted.” 

 

She was haunted. That was what finally sunk into Evan’s mind - not the idea of death, he had already thought of that, but the people he would leave behind. His mum was driving straight to the hospital, scared sick for him. He’d been so reckless. He’d almost left his mum behind. 

 

“I want to be here for you,” Helen said, eventually, once she’d stopped quietly crying by Evan’s bedside. “I want you to get better. I want to get better. Even if we can’t be friends to ourselves, maybe we could be friends to each other?”

 

Evan nodded. He didn’t know whether the gesture was truthful but he couldn’t leave Helen in the lurch. He had to give her at least this pretend agreement. He had to nod and rest his voice.

 

God help him, he’d need the rest. He’d have a lot of explaining to do once his mum arrived.

 

💀

 <)>

  /\

 

As Helen was leaving Evan’s room, the least likely suspect walked in. It wasn’t his mother, who was no doubt fuming as she was stuck in afternoon commuter traffic. It wasn’t Pansy either. Blaise Zabini leant against the doorway, her normally perfect hair in a messy bun, her expression nothing less than bedraggled.

 

Helen waved an awkward goodbye. Blaise raised a singular eyebrow. “Longbottom.”

 

Evan’s emotions were coldpressed and numb in his chest. It didn’t phase him when Blaise sat down at his bedside and said, “Uh, well, I guess I should start by letting you know that I’m skinny0rlove. Or, well, I was. I’m changing my forum handle.” Blaise bit her lip. “I’m sorry about, uh, the whole near-death experience thing.” 

 

Evan gestured to his throat in order to silently explain why he wasn't speaking.

 

“Ohhh right.” Blaise reached into her pocket and pulled out a blue-lined piece of A4 paper. It looked like it had been torn out of a textbook. Evan’s chest seized when he saw familiar handwriting. He'd spent an afternoon studying her as she took notes for their shared assignment. Egrazer was written on the back of the folded letter in Pansy’s perfect print. “So, don’t get me wrong, Pansy really really really wanted to be here but she’s having a panic attack in the parking lot right now.” Blaise smile-grimaced and held out Pansy’s letter. “She wanted to come earlier on as well but she had to Google hospitals for an hour first and then she got freaked out by Hospital Acquired Infections, and, yeah.”

Evan brushed his fingers over the soft texture of the paper. He didn’t believe in psychometry or magic or any type of mysticism. He didn’t even believe in the horoscope. But holding this letter, it felt like he was holding a part of her with him. It felt like she was right here beside him.

 

It would’ve been romantic if Pansy had overcome her OCD to meet him in the hospital. Maybe they would have kissed. Maybe Pansy would have made it all okay again and Evan would no longer get the urge to puke himself to death.

 

But life wasn’t like a storybook and love didn’t cure mental illness. Drugs, psychotherapy, and persistence did that. Augh. This was going to be hard work, wasn’t it? 

 

“I know I’m not Pansy,” Blaise continued, “and I know we didn’t talk as much on the forum but I’m here for you.” She patted Evan on the shoulder in an incredibly stilted fashion. And I’m the one with no social cues?! “As someone who has been in recovery for a while, I can tell you this much: it gets easier the longer you stick to it. It sucks, yeah, but I guess, would you rather be dead or would you rather be skinny?”

 

Evan gave Blaise a tactless thumbs up.

 

💀

 <)>

  /\

 

Dear egrazer,
or Granger,

E something,

You know what I mean! I’m going to guess that the name you picked is Elliot because that’s such a white boy name. I hope you surprise me.

Ignore my bad letter etiquette, I was going to visit you but my stupid fucking brain didn’t let me. Anyone who tells you OCD is fun is a compulsive liar.

Ha ha, see what I did there?

Anyway! You scared the shit out of me, Granger. Not only because I’m gay for you - and yes, I know you’re trans, but I’m bi so all my relationships are queer relationships - but because we’re friends. I don’t know. They don’t cover the social cues for how to deal with your online sorta-friend sorta-crush getting hospitalised in the Autism Handbook. 

Also yes, I know I said we can’t date and I stand by that. We’ve both got shit to work on.

I thought you were going to die. That’s a bit blunt, isn’t it? Ha, don’t say I didn’t warn you. I’m a hot mess, it’s old news. But, what I’m trying to write here in this long-winded way is that I know you don’t want to be you or in your body. Your situation is a bit different to mine and I can’t relate in all ways but you are who you are. Your life is your own. You have to live it truthfully. 

Fuck, I sound like a cat poster. Reminder that the original plan was not to give you a letter but ramble on in person.

Stupid fucking OCD.

 

Sincerely,

the hottest bitch
Pansy

P.S. if you manage to recover enough to be let out of the ED ward, MAYBE we can snog. No promises though.

 

💀

 <)>

  /\

2 months later…

 

(01:12) butt3rflybitch🦋 created a public chat.
(01:12) butt3rflybitch🦋 named the chat ✨it’s never too late to recover.✨

(01:13) evandergrazing joined the chat.

(01:13) queen0hearts joined the chat.

 

(01:14) butt3rflybitch🦋: ALL HAIL THE SHIT KING
(01:14) butt3rflybitch🦋: unrelated but ppl are either cat ppl or bad ppl

(01:15) evandergrazing: Oh my god.

(01:16) butt3rflybitch🦋: look i dont make the rules
(01:16) butt3rflybitch🦋: i just enforce them

(01:17) evandergrazing: You are literally administrator. You make and enforce the rules.

(01:18) queen0hearts: y u still butterfly >.<
(01:18) queen0hearts: if i had to remove the skinny bit, u cant be a butterfly!

(01:19) butt3rflybitch🦋: I LIKE BUTTERFLIES, BITCH

(01:20) evandergrazing: So this is really a recovery forum now?

(01:20) butt3rflybitch🦋: if its 2 triggering 4 u i can shut it down

(01:21) evandergrazing: I have good memories here. I met my girlfriend here. It wasn’t all bad.

(01:21) butt3rflybitch🦋: SAP

(01:22) queen0hearts: *LAUGHING CRYING THROWING UP*
(01:22) queen0hearts: u guys make me sick

(01:23) evandergrazing: …In a good way?

(01:24) butt3rflybitch🦋: OH HE WENT THERE

(01:24) queen0hearts: TOO SOON

(01:25) evandergrazing:  I didn’t mean it like that!

(01:25) queen0hearts: *WHEEZES*

(01:25) butt3rflybitch🦋: *evanders therapist tryin to get him to stop making jokes*

(01:26) evandergrazing: My therapist approves of my dark humour,

(01:27) queen0hearts: has she diagnosed u w autism yet?

(01:27) evandergrazing: …

(01:28) queen0hearts: I CANT LIE, BITCH

(01:28) butt3rflybitch🦋: bitch

(01:29) evandergrazing: Bitch

(01:30) butt3rflybitch🦋: its hot when u say bitch
(01:30) butt3rflybitch🦋: queen, quick, shut ur eyes

 

(01:30) queen0hearts has left the chat.

 

(01:31) butt3rflybitch🦋: thatll work 
(01:31) butt3rflybitch🦋: 😉

 

fin.

Notes:

I want to say that this story is specifically centered around disordered eating and eating disorders. I do believe weight can be lost in a healthy way and for many people, it is the healthiest option for them. I also want to say that if you have an ED or are struggling with your eating, you are already sick enough to recover and you don't need to be hospitalised to do that.