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Slowly drifting awake in the morning, the first thing Shuu's senses registered was that the blankets felt unusual. It wasn't that they were Kagehira's blankets–this was his third night in a row waking up beneath them. The shape and weight were the same. It was the texture. He shouldn't be feeling this much of the texture. It was as if it were directly against his skin. He grabbed at his arm where the sleeve of his pajamas should be. No sleeve was present.
His eyes shot open, only to find darkness. He reached up for one of the lamps above the bed to switch it on, and a glance back down at himself in the resulting halo of light confirmed his suspicions. He was nude. He had never slept that way in his life. His mind was at first only a swirl of ashamed confusion, but soon his memories returned and he understood what had transpired. Last night, he and Kagehira had made love one last time for the day. After the event itself, which made him blush to recall, the last thing he remembered was saying that they ought to shower and change before they fell asleep, and Kagehira agreeing with a yawn. Evidently, they had not done so.
He glanced at the other side of the bed and sure enough, there lay Kagehira in a similarly indecent state, still slumbering peacefully with a small smile on his face. He had some nerve looking so deceptively angelic. This was all his fault. His insidious wiles had ignited in Shuu a powerful obsession, and now he had lost all control of his life, ruined by lust like countless men before him. Yes, Shuu had come here to unite with him, but he had intended there to be some manner of moderation when it came to the frequency. However, once they'd discovered the pleasures each other's bodies had to offer, it had become impossible to think of doing anything else. He hadn't stepped foot outside of Kagehira's dorm once since they'd entered it for their first encounter. Sakuma must have found somewhere else to stay, for he had not disturbed them in the subsequent days. Alone in a room that was their whole world, they'd lived a blissful, dreamlike cycle of touching until they became insensitive to it, cleaning up, occupying their time with art, and then falling upon each other once more when the urges resurfaced.
The art had not even occupied that much of their time, which was chief amongst Shuu's concerns. Yesterday afternoon Kagehira had brought out his sketchbook to ask for feedback on an outfit design, and, spurred by him accidentally flipping a few pages so far and sparking a conversation of a very different sort, Shuu had wound up on his back with Kagehira on top of him, the sketchbook lying forgotten by their side as they kissed and rubbed against each other. Their prior union had been recent enough that they hadn't felt the need to remove their clothing and attain full climax, instead merely enjoying the gentle waves of stimulation the friction gave them. When Shuu had finally looked up, he'd realized that an hour had passed. He'd been moments away from losing his composure when Kagehira made a remark about it feeling as if they were on their honeymoon, which was such a romantic sentiment that Shuu had forgotten to be upset and gone back to kissing him.
This was romantic, at least. Shuu comforted himself again with the notion as he watched Kagehira's chest rise and fall and awkwardly shifted his own legs under the blankets, trying not to think about why his thighs felt sticky. They were not mating mindlessly like mere animals; they were doing this because they loved each other. Genuine passion was by its nature difficult to control. Their higher functions were also being engaged, in the sense that Shuu had never learned so much in such a short span of time, never had his perception so dramatically expanded. It made perfect sense now that the Biblical euphemism for such acts was "knowing". He knew Kagehira now as he never had before. He knew the shape of his body better than any amount of measuring him for clothing could have told him, he knew what parts of it would cause his whole frame to tremble when touched, and he knew how to estimate his proximity to climax by the precise quality of his "nnaa"s–a noise Shuu did fear he might never hear the same way again. They'd opened a new dimension of communication, and with it came greater understanding.
Kagehira began to stir. His eyelids fluttered open, and his eyes behind them were at first dull and glassy with sleep, but when they landed upon Shuu, they visibly brightened. "Oshi-san...! C'mere." He lazily held out an arm.
Shuu hesitated at first, suddenly very self-conscious. While they'd been spending much time in each other's presence unclothed, this felt different. There were no endorphins deceiving his brain into considering it natural. This was a mundane situation, his mind was clear, and he was acutely aware of his total nudity, not to mention his less-than-perfect cleanliness. On top of the remains of the previous night's activities, he always sweated horribly in his sleep. He did not feel attractive in the slightest. But Kagehira was looking at him with such earnest longing, and the sight plucked so fiercely at his heartstrings that he relented. He shifted closer into his waiting embrace, keeping the blankets folded between their bodies in an effort to preserve some of his dignity.
The moment Shuu was in range, Kagehira planted a kiss on his lips, seeming to harbor no regard for how unpleasant the human mouth tasted in the mornings. He sighed when they parted. "I wish you didn't hafta go back today. I'm gonna miss this so much."
"As will I," Shuu murmured. The admission came out easier than he'd anticipated.
"Nnaa... Guess we gotta make the most of the time we have then." Kagehira gave him a wide-eyed, hopeful look and tugged at the blankets as if to pull them down, stopping before actually doing so. An unspoken question.
The reminder that they would be separated soon and the look in Kagehira's eyes both made Shuu wish to be closer to him, chipped away at his desire for a barrier. Still, he found the thought of being exposed discomforting. Rather than removing his cocoon of blankets, he pulled Kagehira under it with him. Their bodies touched in the soft, forgiving darkness. Shuu had learned that intimacy came easiest to him when he could not see or be seen, when he did not have to think about appearances and was free to simply feel.
They kissed again, and this kiss lasted longer. Any remaining awkwardness plagueing Shuu melted away as a now-familiar warm haze descended over his body and brain. He embraced Kagehira, one hand on his shoulderblades and the other on his waist. The shape of his lithe, fit body reminded Shuu of his first trip to a museum in Paris, when the sight of a particular male statue had so captivated him he'd hung back from his classmates and, after a furtive glance around to make sure no one was looking, gently run his hand over it. It was a memory that usually filled him with guilt and shame, but right now it was almost pleasant.
Kagehira had a hand on his chest, contributing to the pleasant feeling. His fingers brushed against a nipple. Shuu's breath hitched, and his loins stirred. If there had been any question in his mind as to Kagehira's intentions, it was a question no more. He knew what he was doing. He'd brought Shuu to completion more than once already just by touching him there. Sure enough, his touches were becoming less incidental and more focused, rubbing and gentle pinching just the way Shuu liked it. One of Kagehira's legs wove its way between Shuu's and pressed right up against the pulsing heat of his genitalia. He emitted a small triumphant noise against Shuu's lips as he felt his arousal. He could be so insufferably self-satisfied sometimes. Shuu found it vexing, but not so vexing that it in any way stopped his body from becoming pliant under his touch. The ecstasy of submitting to him was worth more than his pride.
Then, just as his pleasure was mounting, it was cruelly interrupted by a sharp knock at the door.
Kagehira pulled away, leaving him with a cold, empty feeling. "Sorry, we're busy!" he yelled in the door's direction. Shuu winced at both his volume and his lack of discretion.
"Check your phone, Mika-chan!" came a muffled but still unmistakeable voice.
"Naru-chan...? Wait, hang on." Kagehira gave Shuu an apologetic look and scrambled for his bedside table. He squinted at his phone screen. "...Oh. I'll be right there!" he called, and he leapt out of bed.
"Cover yourself!" Shuu hissed shrilly the moment he registered where he was going.
Kagehira stopped in his tracks. He hurried back, plucked the top blanket off of Shuu, and haphazardly wrapped it around his body.
Shuu pulled the remaining sheets up to his neck and shrank back warily as he watched him approach the door. He really didn't see why this couldn't wait, whatever it was.
Kagehira's hair was messy to a degree Shuu had never seen it before this week, and the blanket left his shoulders bare and rather too much of his torso exposed. It did not feel right that anyone else should behold him like this, but he opened the door all the same.
Narukami didn't even have the decency to look surprised, yet alone the degree of scandalization this situation necessitated. Her expression was far too casual. She glanced around the room, a gauche intrusion into a sanctuary that was only meant for two, and for the briefest of moments her eyes met Shuu's.
Shuu looked away and wished he could disappear. He was painfully aware of the blood pooling between his legs, the unfulfilled desire burning in the pit of his stomach. There was no amount of layers that would make him comfortable with being in such a state in front of anyone other than his partner. He wondered if she would ever be able to take him seriously again.
"Thanks fer bringin' this over so quick," came Kagehira's voice.
"Well, of course. I could hardly leave it lying around my room now, could I? What if someone realized what was in it and thought it was mine? I'm not that kind of girl, you know?"
"Hey, you aren't tryna imply somethin' about Oshi-san, are ya? He ain't that kinda girl either! Just 'cause he's lettin' me–"
"Kagehira," Shuu interjected sharply, turning back to face them. Allowing this conversation to continue was an even worse prospect than reminding Narukami that he was there.
Kagehira had a sheepish look on his face. "...Sorry, Oshi-san."
"All right, I'll give you two your privacy." Narukami turned to go. "Be careful, all right?"
"We will, don't worry!" Kagehira called after her before closing the door. He returned to the bed and to Shuu, who observed the small package he was now carrying. "Look!" he said excitedly. "It got here in time after all! We can do it fer real before ya go back if we hurry!"
The package was deceptively nondescript, but Shuu had been given enough context to make an educated guess as to its contents. Fear and excitement warred within him, the latter narrowly pulling out ahead due, he suspected, to the relative lack of blood in his brain. He realized that there was another unspoken question hanging in the air. He nodded. He was afraid that if he spoke, a lingering defensive hostility from Narukami's intrusion would manifest in his tone.
Kagehira sat down next to him. The blankets separated them once more, but his proximity still made Shuu feel warm. He began to open the package, which seemed in that moment like Pandora's Box. It could not be undone, and they would never be the same again.
Inside were a bottle and several small boxes. The labels on them used formal language, but there was a certain vulgarity to them all the same. Seeing their purpose written out so clearly made Shuu's heart jolt.
Kagehira picked up two of the boxes and held them, one in each hand, as if weighing them. "Nnaa..." he said thoughtfully. "So these'd fit me, and these'd fit you, Oshi-san." Without any warning, he tossed the latter at Shuu.
Shuu caught it on instinct and then almost dropped it. His hands felt as if they were burning. His cheeks certainly were. He had never held such a thing in his life, never been closer than awkwardly looking the other way when he walked through certain aisles of a pharmacy. He could not look away now. 0.01 milimeters, the box proclaimed proudly. Below that were words about comfort, pleasure, lubrication. These words mixed with Kagehira's, his insinuation that this was something Shuu could wear. The relevant part of him throbbed in rebellion against his recoiling mind. He squeezed his legs closer together, instintinctively trying to hide something the blankets already were. No. He couldn't. That wasn't how he'd dreamed it would go.
"I...do not believe we will need these," he said.
His voice came out very quiet, but Kagehira seemed to have no trouble hearing it. "You want me ta top?" he asked. "Are ya sure?"
"It seems a natural extension of the positions we tend to take." Shuu once more recalled their wasted hour from yesterday. "Is it not your preference? You have often been quite forward in courting me."
"I mean, I'm over the moon ta be doin' anything, so long as it's with you, Oshi-san." Kagehira's tone was so earnestly adoring it felt like a weight bearing down on Shuu, akin to the role his body took. "An' I can sure tell by now ya like bein' on the bottom, but do you actually wanna take it? I'm worried it'll hurt an' you're lots more sensitive ta pain than me. I could always ride ya."
"You could what?" The mental image that came to Shuu's mind was not exactly sexual.
"It's when I sit on yer dick an' sorta bounce on it," Kagehira helpfully explained.
The former vague, baffling image was replaced with a cartoonishly lurid visual so abruptly it took Shuu's breath away. "NON! That sounds...utterly obscene!" he spluttered, contending with a stab of guilt at the very thought of making the one he loved debase himself so. "And wholly unnecessary. I am prepared to accept your intrusion."
Kagehira was looking at him intently, his eyes piercing enough to qualify as an intrusion of their own. "Do ya ever think about it? Me bein' inside ya?"
Shuu flinched and averted his eyes. How dare he ask such a thing? Was he trying to humiliate him? But as the initial shock faded, he recognized the nature of Kagehira's tone, and that it was the opposite of sadistic. He was worried. Of course he was; he'd seen all too well as of late how prone to panic the man was, how much he struggled to believe that Shuu truly wanted to join him in the depths of depravity. He sought evidence that he was desired, and that was the least Shuu could give him, as much as his pride balked at it. "...Yes," he said, sounding less reassuring and more tormented than he had intended. His fingers involuntarily curled deeper into the fabric of the blanket, and he cringed at the feeling of his nails against it.
A soft, relieved exhale from the direction of Kagehira. "Aw, Oshi-san, ya don't gotta look so ashamed. It's natural ta have thoughts like that about the person ya love."
Love. At that word, in that voice, Shuu felt himself relax. Yes, of course, that was all he was confessing to. To love a man the way he loved Kagehira was to yearn to be filled by him. It was the inevitable conclusion to the feeling. Emboldened by this thought, he blurted out a further admission. "I had a dream about it."
"Really?!" The worry was gone, replaced with utter glee. "How was it in the dream, did it feel good?"
Shuu nodded wordlessly.
"Didja come?"
The romantic sentiment compelling Shuu's honesty was punctured by a sharp needle of shame. "I–I fail to see how that's relevant!" he stammered indignantly.
"Nnaa, sorry, never mind that part." Kagehira laid a hand gently on his leg over the blankets. Against all odds, it was comforting. "I've heard enough ta be sure about things. I'll do it. I'll...make love to ya."
Shuu finally looked back at him and met his eyes. They shone warmly, exactly as they had in his dream. He felt his walls lowering, his body relaxing. He could submit now, and everything would be fine. Wonderful, in fact. He moved to lift the blankets off himself, but when he did, he caught the smell of his own body, the lingering odors of sex and sleep. Oh, god, he'd forgotten how filthy he was. He couldn't subject himself to intimate scrutiny like this. Worse, there was a sense of pressure building in his groin associated not with libido but with a duller, more mundane primal urge.
"Excuse me, Kagehira–I must shower first," he managed to say before he leapt out of bed and rushed to the bathroom. He locked the door behind himself decisively.
His first order of business was to thoroughly empty his bladder and bowels. The churning anxiety twisting his innards made this a swift enough feat, though far from a pleasant one. He hated that his body had these filthy functions, and that not a day went by without it reminding him. Ordinarily he could at least tune it out and relegate the whole affair to a sort of numb autopilot, but that was not the case now. He was excruciatingly aware that the same parts through which he expelled waste were soon to be touched by his lover. He could not tear his consciousness away from them. But soon his torment was over, and his intestines were as hollow as the body of a porcelain doll. They would not stay that way forever; he would be trapped in this organic cycle for as long as he lived. But for now he could pretend.
Freed from his seat on the degrading mockery of a throne, Shuu entered the shower and turned the water on. He winced at the sudden feeling of droplets striking his body. The harsh, unfeeling, unrelenting quality jarred him, already so used to soft, warm touches from human hands that he'd forgotten how anything else felt. One small voice in his brain questioned whether it was simply that he'd become so accustomed to filth that cleanliness burned him, holy water repelling sin. When he adjusted and the discomfort went away, the voice, while not disappearing, did become quiet enough not to cast doubt on what he had chosen to do.
He washed from head to toe, and cleaned his nether regions with especially scrupulous care. He always did this, of course; it would not do to neglect any part of his hygiene, regardless of how disquieting he found the parts. But now he applied a greater effort, going over them again and again until delicate skin began to chafe, trying his hardest to do the impossible and make something inherently dirty pristine. In a fitful impulse he even attempted to fully breach his opening and wash deeper inside himself, but his finger could not make it very far before he was stopped by the panicked instinct that he was doing something wrong. No, better to leave the exploration of such realms to Kagehira. He alone had the stomach for it.
Kagehira... That was right, Kagehira was waiting for him. Shuu realized he did not know how long he'd been in here, beyond his suspicion that it was already more than his usual showers. He went over himself one last time and, satisfied that he was at least as clean as he had ever been, turned the water off. He took a towel but when it touched his body, he was assailed with a visceral guilt over intimate contact with an object that both Kagehira and his roommate used, no matter the purification it had been subject to in the laundry since. He was faintly aware that this was ridiculous, but it continued to bother him all the same, and he was relieved when he became dry enough to part with it.
Lastly, he checked himself in the mirror. It was a necessary step, he must ensure that he was presentable, but it did cause his mood to sink further still. There was a disconnect between the mental image he held of lovemaking, of his position in it, and what he saw with his own eyes. He avoided pornography, homosexual or otherwise, but from his imaginings and general cultural impression, a certain type of man was best suited to take on the receptive role. He would be slight and androgynous, with dainty features and a pure sort of beauty. He would certainly not look like Shuu. He was too tall, too broad, too muscular. He struggled to imagine Kagehira seeing this and truly wishing to take him. Such a desire would go against basic human nature.
But he had promised to do so, and so readily, it had seemed. Shuu remembered his tone and expression and found both soothed him. He must let him keep his word. He'd always kept it before. Shuu steeled himself and exited back into the dorm room proper.
Kagehira had turned the second lamp on and the room was now slightly brighter, although still dim enough to be romantic. The man himself was waiting for him on the bed, sitting with his ankles crossed in an exposed but not particularly seductive position. His hair was wet and his body was cleaner than it had been last Shuu had seen it. "Geez, that was a long shower," he said with a good-natured smile. "Ya ready now, Oshi-san?"
Shuu did not immediately join him, instead squinting in confusion from the other side of the room. "...Did you shower, Kagehira? How?" It occurred to him only now that he had unfairly monopolized it. He would have offered to let him join if he had only needed to shower, but some things required privacy even from the most intimate partner.
"It seemed like ya didn't wanna be bothered so I went ta Naru-chan's room an' she let me use theirs." Kagehira must have correctly read the face Shuu made then for he hastily added: "I brought a sheet! I didn't go out there buck naked! I made sure everythin' was covered till I was alone. She didn't see nothin'. An' neither did Himeru-san. Forgot he might be in there but he was real polite about it. He said somethin' about stayin' hydrated? I said the shower would get me plenty hydrated an' he said that's not what that word meant. I dunno what he was goin' on about but it didn't seem like anythin' bad."
This was very nearly unbearable. Narukami was bad enough, but the thought of Kagehira being seen by another man like that set Shuu's teeth on edge in a whole new way. Himeru was a particularly troublesome option for numerous reasons. For one thing, discretion was now completely out the window, if it hadn't been already. Too many others had gotten involved in this affair from the beginning, and for it to continue even now, specters haunting their most significant and private of unions... It left him agitated in a manner that begged only one salve. He must make Kagehira forget about everyone and everything in the world but him.
"Hmph. Never mind all of that," he said as he approached the bed. "We must not stall any longer. Our time, unfortunately, is short."
"Took the words right outta my mouth!" Kagehira gestured eagerly at his lap, adjusting his legs to make for a better seat. At least, Shuu hoped that he was gesturing at the general area and not one particular component of it. The alternative was rather too vulgar.
He sat primly atop Kagehira's thighs. Kagehira put a hand on his waist and drew him closer. There was the human touch. The warmth of skin against skin. Speaking of skin against skin, the mostly flaccid state of Kagehira's particular component meant that rather than pressing against Shuu's front, it had slipped under him and was now positioned unnervingly close to its ultimate destination. It felt so large, even like this. The magnitude of the sacrifice he intended to make on the altar of love had never been more palpable.
It was plain from Kagehira's face that his wish was already being granted: his mind was full of nothing but Shuu. His eyes went up and down, taking in all he could see when they were this close, his cheeks reddening and his smile ecstatic. His hand slid downwards. Shuu felt a stab of self-consciousness. The disconnect. He must not be seen at all, not now. In order to obstruct Kagehira's vision, and for several other reasons, he kissed him.
Shuu's own eyes closed on instinct, a black veil descending over one of his senses and causing the others to sharpen. He was submerged in not just how Kagehira's body felt but the way he tasted, the way he smelled, the soft hum he always emitted when they kissed. Though Shuu had only begun to experience them this week, these things already felt so familiar, as familiar as his face and the sound of him speaking and singing.
Kagehira's hands were everywhere now. Almost no part of Shuu went untouched, long bony fingers exploring the full breadth of his shape. His nerves rejoiced at the feeling and heat began mounting inside of him once more, but it did cross his mind that his incongruous aspects must be just as apparent like this as by sight. Yet whatever Kagehira was observing, he responded to it with only love–his mouth linking itself so ardently to Shuu's own that he could no longer tell whose tongue was whose–and lust–his manhood hardening, prodding Shuu with increasing insistence in the one place his hands were not. Both these things felt like flattery, akin to being told he was beautiful while clad in his finest stage costume. Well, of course it did. He was beautiful, then and now. If he could not believe that, then who was he?
The power of this revelation lingered to the point that when their kiss ended, he could meet Kagehira's eyes unblinking. They had gone hazy and unfocused with arousal, resembling tarnished gems. Shuu had tainted their purity, but they contained nothing but gratitude for it. He had always claimed he had no objection with falling to the darkest depths, so long as Shuu was there with him. It seemed he had not been lying.
"This'll be easier if ya lie back, I think." His voice was as distorted as his eyes. "Then you can just let me take care of everythin'."
This was an intoxicating proposal. Shuu complied, climbing out of Kagehira's lap and resting his head against the pillows. He carefully arranged his face and body into positions he felt would be most attractive, yet still tasteful. He envisioned the many paintings of a sleeping or reclining Venus and did his best to emulate such an image so perfectly that he could be displayed in a gallery alongside them.
"Are ya doin' one'a those Venus paintings, Oshi-san? That's cute, it suits ya."
Shuu had never felt more in love with him, but all he said was "...Thank you."
"I hate ta ruin good art, but I am gonna hafta do this if we're gonna get anywhere." Kagehira shot him an apologetic look and gently pulled his legs apart, disrupting the pose. Shuu supposed he had a point, though he did wish the lamps did not shine so directly onto him. It looked as if he were under a spotlight, and the further removed from a painting he was, the more difficult that became to stomach.
Then Kagehira took hold of one of his legs and began to lift it. Shuu felt his pelvis tilt, and he realized more than he was anticipating was going to be revealed under that spotlight. This realization struck him with a hot surge of panic so severe that his eyes squeezed shut, his leg jerked violently free, and a loud "Non!!" exploded from his lips, everything in him screaming that Kagehira could absolutely not see that.
"Ow!! Oshi-san?!"
Shuu opened his eyes to see Kagehira rubbing his upper arm and grimacing. A different, worse panic took root. "Did I...kick you?" he asked. He bolted upright and grabbed Kagehira's arm to inspect it himself. A faint bruise. His stomach dropped. "Oh, god, I'm so sorry. Does it hurt? This was not my intention, I assure you!"
"It ain't bad, I was mostly just startled is all." Kagehira's voice was too pleasant. Not angry enough.
"I would certainly term this 'bad'! To think I have left a mark on you, during an intimate moment no less! I shall bear this sin for the rest of my days!"
"Well it ain't as dramatic as all that." Kagehira put his hand on his shoulder. "It's okay, I promise. I don't even think it's that weird, leavin' marks durin' 'an intimate moment'. People bump inta each other an' leave bruises. An' there's hickies. An' there's the thing where the one who's gettin' fucked scratches up the other guy's back. Can't say I haven't dreamed about ya doin' that ta me a few times."
Shuu had never heard of this "thing" and found it so concerning that it distracted him from his guilt. "You should consider watching less violent pornography, Kagehira."
"It ain't–!" Kagehira looked indignant for a moment–finally something approaching anger–but it was fleeting. "...Nnaa, we're gettin' sidetracked here. Are you okay, Oshi-san? Ya did kinda freak out. Did I do somethin' wrong?"
Telling the truth in all its indignity was the least Shuu could do to atone. He slumped back against the pillows and averted his eyes. "You were about to expose...an unclean part of me."
"What, yer hole? But I thought you said you wanted us ta use it." Kagehira's voice was anxious.
"That is not the issue. You can use it without looking at it, can't you?"
"Oh." Good, it sounded like he understood. "I wanted ta see what I was doin', is all. I'm real clumsy an' I'd never forgive myself if I hurt ya."
That made two of them. Shuu looked back at him and tried his hardest to come up with a compromise. "Perhaps...if the lights were lower..."
"I mean, I'd have the same problem then. This is as low as it can get before I can't see nothin' at all." Kaghira gave him an apologetic look. "I know you're shy an' I don't wanna make ya do anythin' ya ain't comfortable with. But if we're together like this I'll prolly end up seein' it sooner or later, right? An' it won't be a big deal, everyone has one. Um...would it help if I showed ya mine?"
"If you...what?" Surely he couldn't mean what it sounded like he meant.
"Showed ya my hole. I don't mind. So far as I'm concerned, it already belongs ta Oshi-san just like the resta me."
Shuu was speechless. He felt warmth on his face and an odd nagging feeling deep inside himself that he could not at first identify. Then he recognized it as desire. He wanted to see. Why did he want to see? Kagehira was the one who was plagued with morbid curiosities. Shuu always strove to intake only the most beautiful things. But that wasn't his only priority, was it? There were ideals even more important. Understanding Kagehira, knowing him, that was his greatest mission of all. To love him he must accept all of him and not shy away from even the most offputting aspects. Had he ever declined to look at a piece of his art, no matter how grim his warnings of its grotesque content? Of course not. "If you truly wish to...share that with me, you may do so," he said quietly.
Kagehira looked positively delighted. Yes, this had been the correct decision. "Ehehe, if you're sure... Hang on." He leaned back on one of his hands and contorted his legs up and back so that they were entirely out of the way, his body twisting at the utmost limit of what was humanly possible. It always gave Shuu a complicated sort of thrill to watch him move like that. He used his free hand to reach between his legs, further back than the parts that protruded so distractingly, and parted the dark hair concealing his orifice.
There it was. This, Shuu realized, was the first time he'd seen that part of the human body at all. He wasn't sure what he'd been expecting, but it struck him as underwhelming. That was all? A slight swelling and wrinkling of skin around an indentation that appeared too slight to even qualify as a "hole". Certainly no gaping cavern of lust. It wasn't even particularly difficult to keep his gaze fixed on it. Yes, he could accept this as part of his beloved.
He wasn't sure how long he looked at him, pondering the intricacies of the human body, but eventually Kagehira put an end to it by speaking again. "You can touch me if ya want," he offered.
The shaky comfort Shuu had eked out with this moment crumbled to pieces. "I– I– That won't be necessary," he found himself saying before he had the chance to deduce why the prospect agitated him so. He looked back at Kagehira's face just in time to catch a brief flicker of...disappointment? Hurt? It was gone too quickly to identify for sure, but it was enough for Shuu to regret.
Kagehira's legs dropped down and he was once more sitting normally. "So, uh, did it help?"
Shuu looked away again, and this time his eyes landed on the clock. In mere hours he would be on a flight back to Paris. Alone. He inhaled deeply. "Look if you must." He did not move. Attempting a maneuver like Kagehira's would only embarrass himself.
Kagehira approached his legs with obvious caution. He grasped one of them and looked at Shuu for assurance. Shuu gave a curt nod. He hoisted it up until he hit the the limit of Shuu's flexibility. He looked, and Shuu closed his eyes, instinctively afraid of seeing what expression he might make.
At first there was only silence and stillness, as if everything had frozen in time. Then, touch. It was gentle rather than probing and skirted around the actual orifice. Still, his skin prickled at the novel sensation of someone else's hand in that area. He could not tell whether it was erogenous or not. Many feelings were getting in the way, and it did feel different somehow from stimulation to his chest or groin.
"Aw, it's cute," came Kagehira's voice. "Just like every other part of Oshi-san. Looks kinda irritated though. Have you been eatin' okay?"
Shuu opened his eyes to glare at him. His heart lurched seeing how close he'd put his face, and self-consciousness over that made his subsequent tone even harsher than he intended. "I did not say you could offer commentary."
His erection partially blocked Kagehira's expression from view at this angle, but what he could see of it appeared abashed. "Nnaa, sorry. I'll get right to it then." The hand touching Shuu went for one of the objects on the bed. The bottle. "Wait, I'm gonna need two hands I think. Could ya hold yer knees to yer chest?"
Shuu obeyed.
"Perfect!" Kagehira opened the bottle. "I do gotta ask one thing, though. I promise it ain't commentary. Have ya ever put anythin' up here before?"
"Of course not," Shuu snapped. The moment in the shower did not count. "What manner of Sadean libertine do you take me for?"
"I'll be super gentle then. Tell me if it hurts, okay?"
"Hmph." Gears were turning in Shuu's mind, set off by Kagehira's rude inquiry. He had thought of his virginity as being lost the moment Kagehira had made sexual contact with him of any sort, but in the most traditional sense did it not still remain? He had never been penetrated, and he was about to lose that distinction. This was a moment of great and terrible import. He had no second thoughts, for there was nothing of himself he did not wish to give to Kagehira, but he did tense with anticipation. He recalled the altar metaphor. Yes, that was all too apt. He did feel very much like a sacrificial virgin with a blade poised above her, bracing for her blood to be spilt in name of a higher cause. He wondered if his blood would literally spill. He hoped not, but could not be sure. Perhaps it was an unavoidable part of the process.
In the time he had been thinking, Kagehira had wet his fingers with the bottle's contents. "Ready?" he asked, his index finger on the verge of intruding.
"Yes."
The finger pushed forward, gently at first, to no avail. Shuu's body was not accepting him, as much as his heart did. A little more force. There it went, up to the second joint. "Geez, you're tight," Kagehira said. "Ain't ever had trouble fittin' the first one in myself. How's it feel?"
It felt both deeply unnatural and like a sort of inevitable completion. He felt like akin to how he imagined a puppet felt, the sort that required a human hand to operate, and that comparison was a very bitter pill to swallow. His purity, autonomy, and very sense of self were all slipping away from him, but in the space they left something else, a counterintuitive sense of a heavy weight being lifted from his soul. There was a sort of satisfaction in sheer proximity, in knowing this was the closest he and Kagehira had ever been. He wanted more of that. He wanted to be even closer. Finally, on the most basic physical level, it was cold, uncomfortable, and rather baffling in its total unfamiliarity, his nerves not knowing how to make sense of what they were experiencing. He opened his mouth in an attempt to verbalize at least some of this, and all that came out was "I... I... Er..." and then a long silence.
Kagehira was quick to observe and adapt. "Close yer right eye if it's good an' yer left if it's bad."
Slowly, purposefully, Shuu blinked.
"Yeah, that makes sense." His smile was warm and reassuring, if a little anxious.
"I-It... There's no pain," Shuu managed to tell him.
The anxiety ebbed from Kagehira's face. "That's good. Now try an' relax a little. It's okay." His finger sank deeper as he spoke until its full length was inside. Shuu could feel it attempting to bend, pressing against his walls, coaxing the muscle ever more slightly looser. "There ya go. Just like that."
The sound of Kagehira's voice, soft and low, encouraging him through this was having some manner of effect on Shuu. He felt light-headed, his blood pumping hotly through his veins. He wanted him so badly that it ached. He willed his sphincter to cooperate, to please hurry up and let him have this.
"Gonna try another finger now." He did, and with its entrance came the first twinge of pain. It was well within bearable limits, however. Shuu had been anticipating this much. "Ehehe, it's amazing, feelin' Oshi-san open up fer me. It's like I'm moldin' ya like clay."
The effect these words had was so potent as to act as an analgesic. The uncomfortable aspects numbed even as the two fingers together began to move, slowly thrusting in and out of him. Shuu's body was learning to accept this, even to welcome it. He was being molded, from a sealed virgin to a wanton creature who needed to be filled. It was not the sort of art he would choose to create, but he trusted Kagehira's vision.
"One more. You're almost ready. ...Uh, if I can get it ta fit. Hang on."
Mounting pressure, then a shove, and with it a sharp pain that penetrated through Shuu's contented bliss like...well, it was self-evident what it was like. He managed to avoid making a noise, but he did cringe.
Kagehira's hand stilled, although even unmoving his presence still perpetuated an intense ache. "You okay?"
"It is nothing I cannot handle." His voice came out more strained than he would have liked.
Sure enough, Kagehira did not look particularly reassured. "Nnaa... I dunno if I like the sound'a that. Maybe I oughtta make sure I'm doin' this right." With his free hand, he stretched towards the bedside table and managed to obtain, much to Shuu's consternation, his phone. He clumsily tapped something into it with his thumb and began to scroll, his brows furrowed.
This was an unthinkable insult. Shuu did not know what educational material he could possibly be looking at–and he dearly hoped it was purely educational material–but surely it could tell him no more than Shuu's body itself could. He was in this deeply compromising position for him, and he dared to look away? He was capable of looking away?
Shuu cleared his throat meaningfully, and Kagehira's eyes went back to where they were supposed to be.
"What is it, Oshi-san?"
"I'm disappointed in your sense of propriety." Shuu was aware as soon as he spoke them that the words came out sounding ridiculous from him, considering the state he was in. He decided to ignore that bit of irony. "It is common sense to remain focused on your partner at a time like this, is it not?"
"I'm focusin' on ya, I swear! I'm just double-checkin' my research! You're real important ta me an' I don't wanna mess this up."
"Your research." It was a word loaded with possibility, much of it distasteful. "And whose bodies, pray tell, have you been researching?"
"It ain't like that!" Kagehira protested. "I'm not lookin' at porn or nothin', 'course I wouldn't do that with you right here. It's just words on this page mostly. There's some pictures but they're like, diagrams. They ain't sexy at all. See?" He pointed the screen towards Shuu.
Shuu looked away before he could catch more than a vague impression. "Don't show me that! Just...put it down."
"Okay, if it really bothers ya." There came the quiet tap of the phone being placed down, a sound that had never before seemed so pleasant. "Seems like things are workin' out anyway, ya already don't feel as tense."
He was correct. In the time Shuu had been distracted by the faux pas, the ache had subsided almost entirely. He had adapted once more. The human body was remarkable. "Then...perhaps soon..." His voice came out far softer than it had just been.
Kagehira's fingers shifted inside him, testing their new limits. "I–I think so?" There was all of a sudden a nervous energy about him. "If you're ready...I can try."
Shuu took a deep breath and nodded.
The fingers retreated, leaving a peculiar hollow feeling in their wake. Kagehira was picking up one of the boxes now, the one he'd said would fit himself. He took out a small packet and clumsily tore it open. The sound of foil ripping registered as terribly loud, befitting the turning point it signified. A turning point that Kagehira seemed to be stalling at, fumbling now with his manhood and the piece of rubber from the package, making no clear progress. His hands were shaking.
Shuu could only stand to watch this for so long. He sat up with an exasperated sigh. "Oh, for heaven's sake, let me do it."
"Nnaa?! Um, o-okay." Kagehira looked at him with wide eyes. His voice had raised in pitch, and the soothing demeanor Shuu had so appreciated was nowhere to be found. For a moment he worried he was reluctant to consummate after all, but no, there was excitement there. It was simply, as was so often the case with the man, accompanied by fear in equal measure. Perhaps that was only natural. He too was on the brink of losing what remained of his virtue. Shuu was not alone on the altar. That thought comforted him enough to make up for the loss of a guiding, confident figure in this affair, enough that he felt he could become such a figure in turn.
He took the condom from Kagehira's still trembling hand and reached between his legs to hold him steady. It was a novel sensation still, the firm girth under his fingers. In all their intimacy over the past days, Shuu had only ever handled him for the briefest of moments. He had tried, of course. As daunting as he found the organ, he knew he must become familiar with it if he wished to give his partner pleasure, and he most certainly did. He wanted to return all the love given to him in kind. It was simply that Kagehira appeared to require very little stimulation to climax, or at least, very little stimulation from Shuu's hands. He was wary of this now, but while Kagehira did make some suspicious noises, he did not seem particularly close this time. Good. Shuu was not sure he could have tolerated the disappointment.
Even with little prior knowledge, the sheathing process was not difficult to figure out. Shuu made quick work of it, his hands as nimble as ever despite his pounding heart. He surveyed his work as he might survey the rest of Kagehira while fitting him for a costume, though the resulting feeling within himself was quite different. "Is it...comfortable?" he asked.
Kagehira startled slightly. "Oh, uh, yeah. Can barely tell it's there."
"Then..." Shuu could think of no end to the sentence. Instead, he silently lay back down and assumed his prior position. He closed his eyes, some instinct telling him it was proper to do so.
In short time he felt the touch of Kagehira's hand, on his hip where it should be, and the prodding of his erection, against his testicles which was decidedly not where it should be. He seemed to realize his mistake and attempted to reorient himself, but still missed the mark. He adjusted Shuu next, pushing his legs further back, tilting him slightly this way and that until he once more felt like a puppet, all to no avail.
Finally, Shuu opened his eyes. "Is it really that difficult to aim?"
"It ain't about aimin'!" Kagehira shot him a somewhat panicked look, his face flushed. "It won't reach! I can't get it ta bend enough an' I can't get you ta bend enough neither."
"That's ridiculous. It must be possible." But even as Shuu said this, he could feel his spine straining even to keep the position he was in now. He knew he could not contort further.
"I mean it is possible, ya'd just hafta...roll over."
As the implication sunk in, Shuu stared at him in disbelief. At least he had the decency to look ashamed. "You suggest that we– that we mate like animals?!" That was most certainly not how it had gone in his dream. "Non! It is only proper for lovers to unite face-to-face! To ask me to degrade myself so... Have you no sense of romance?"
"C'mon Oshi-san, it'd still be plenty romantic!" Kagehira's words were coming out in a frenetic, nervous stream. "An' I don't think it'd degrade you at all! It's like–ya know how we fell asleep yer first night in here? With me cuddlin' up ta yer back? It's like that! I'll be holdin' ya close the whole time."
A disgruntled "...Nnn," was all Shuu could manage as war waged internally. No matter how many comforting words dressed up the alternative, giving up on his ideal tasted so bitter. Worst of all was that the failures of his own body had put him in this predicament. Was it not enough that his elongated frame and rigid posture marked him with a vulgar masculine impression that went against his aesthetics? Was it not enough that it limited his capacity to dance in the way he imagined, interfering with how he expressed his art? Now it was interfering with how he expressed his love?
"Ya don't have to, of course," Kagehira said more quietly. "If ya really hate it we can just...not. Finish up with somethin' else."
This suggestion was so insulting that it made Shuu's mind up for him in an instant. "Absolutely not. You will take responsibility for what you've done to me." It was impossible for him to comfortably articulate further, to name the uncanny emptiness, his interior inflamed with a nagging need.
Even without any elaboration, Kagehira looked like he understood. He nodded.
In a motion less elegant than he would have liked, Shuu rolled over. There was a part of him that could not believe he was doing this, could not believe he was offering the body he had honed for fine art to be used as a vulgar toy for another man's pleasure. He knew that was not how he wanted to think of this, but it was difficult to keep his racing mind from veering off course when there was nothing but the pillows before his eyes to ground him.
His train of thought was narrowly prevented from crashing when one more stimulus came to right him. Kagehira's touch on his hip again, clumsy yet gentle. Loving.
"Just gotta lift yer butt a little," came his soft voice as he adjusted him. "There ya go. Ready?"
Was he ready? Ready for the emptiness for be gone, certainly. Ready to achieve some manner, any manner of satisfaction after what felt like an interminable age of only teasing at it. Ready to have something to think about other than what he must look like from this angle. It was enough to outweigh the points of hesitancy. "Yes."
Kagehira's aim was far better this time. Shuu could feel him in all his virility pressing on his opening. Despite the extensive preparation, he was still meeting considerable resistance. For a terrible moment, Shuu feared it simply would not fit at all, but soon it went in. The sensation was overwhelming to start with, and then it went deeper, then deeper still. It was bizarre to feel touch in a place where even Kagehira's fingers, long as they were, couldn't have reached. It felt unnatural, and his straining muscles protested that it was, but it was happening all the same. After all this time, years of chasing after one another, struggling to understand each other's worldviews, stumbling down the winding path to the realization that they wanted the same things, they were finally linked in the most intimate way possible.
Shuu noticed that the motion had stalled. Kagehira was just there, a still mass lodged in his burning core. "Is... Is that all of it?" he asked weakly.
"It's all that's gonna fit, I think." Kagehira's voice was clipped and husky, sounding as if he were just barely restraining something.
Shuu still had enough of his wits about him to interpret that as a "no", an answer that vexed him because that meant they could in fact become more intimate still. "I do not accept half measures, Kagehira. My intention is to accept all of you."
"Wha...? That's... Nnnaaa, that's the hottest thing ya've ever said ta me an' it's real hard ta say no when ya feel this good but I don't...know if that's a good idea...!"
"And why not?"
''Cause yer organs are up here, I don't wanna be fuckin' around with those! I mean I do want that, of course I want that, just not if it's gonna like, kill ya, y'know?"
Shuu had some questions about his understanding of anatomy, but he did not feel inclined to prioritize them. There were greater problems with the sentiment. "How weak do you presume me to be? I am more than capable of withstanding any expression of your love. Stop insulting me and get on with it."
"O-Oshi-san... Fine! I can't hold back when ya talk like that!" And with one swift thrust, he plunged the rest of the way in.
Shuu's whole body tensed, and a deeply humiliating yelp escaped his lips. It sounded nothing like him. He felt nothing like him. Raw and trembling in the wake of his impalement, he could not imagine ever standing on stage again, not in this distorted body. The reshaping was thorough, leaving neither its physical form nor its intangible character intact.
Even in the midst of the very distracting sensation elsewhere, he recognized the feeling of Kagehira's hand on the outside. He was stroking his stomach. "Can't feel it." He sounded at once both relieved and disappointed with a tinge of delirium. "Then this is okay, right?! I really really hope it's okay 'cause... Ngh... So warm... Squeezin' me so tight... Oshi-san really is perfect~" His hips twitched.
It was slight and clearly subconscious, but it had a tremendous effect on Shuu's interior. He made another noise, this one even less dignified.
"Whoa, you okay?" Kagehira had all of a sudden collected himself, though pleasure was still threaded through his voice.
Shuu was unsure as to whether or not he was "okay". It struck him as beside the point. There was something that troubled him, something that was missing. As deep as it was, the touching between them was localized almost entirely at the crudest point. He felt lonely, objectified. "...Closer." In his head it had been a command. In his voice it was a plea.
"Closer?! But– This is as close as I can get without cuttin' ya open, fer real this time! It's definitely all in–our balls are touchin', see?" He gently squeezed them together. The compounded intensity of sensation made Shuu nauseous.
"Ah...! Not that. The rest of you, like you promised."
"Oh, right! Sorry! Of course!" There was Kagehira's weight on his back and his arms snaking around his waist. "That good?"
"Mm." Shuu relaxed beneath him, his worries fading. His heart beat fiercely in his chest, but it was not with stress or worry. It was with infatuation. Kagehira had been telling the truth: this was romantic.
"Okay. I'm... I'm gonna start now. I'll try an' go slow."
Shuu made another noise of assent.
Kagehira slid out, then forced his way back in. He did it again, and again. The entry never came easily. When Shuu had dared to imagine this, it had been akin to a well-oiled machine, pistons smoothly pumping, gears turning in perfect harmony with one another. Most of all, he had imagined that it would feel good. None of that was the case. There was nothing machine-like about the haphazard contortions of flesh–not to mention the obscene, wet sound it was making–and rather than pleasure, there was an insistent burning pain. He didn't understand why it hurt so much, and why it only hurt. Why didn't his body feel that it was being loved? This must be love; Kagehira was embracing him so tenderly and breathing ecstatic fragments of adoration right into his ear. He had never sounded happier, and that offered Shuu some comfort. There was a certain beauty in the thought that his body could gratify him like nothing else.
The more he continued along this line of thought, the more comfortable he became–at least psychologically–able to weave this through the weft of his ideals for their relationship. This was not the first time he'd given Kagehira a selfless gift, after all. The journey to space had been for him alone. Shuu had not asked to accompany him. Was it so wrong, then, that this pleasure would also be his alone? That Shuu would once more endure all the pain and indignity required to propel his beloved to greater heights? That was what love was, he was certain.
"Oshi-san... Oshi-san... F-Feels amazin'... Love ya...so much. Nnaaa hang on I wanna... You too..." Kagehira's hand moved, wrapped around Shuu's member. Slow, clumsy strokes in time with his thrusts. Shuu's brain exploded into hot static. The simultaneous pain and pleasure was impossible to process, let alone work into the ideal that was keeping him sane. It was worse than the pain alone.
"N-Not there," he managed to choke out. "Too much."
Kagehira let go and withdrew from him so quickly it was as if Shuu's body had hurt him. "Sorry! I'm sorry! Are ya–" He gingerly lifted his shoulder, partly rolling him over, and Shuu caught sight of his face through oddly blurred vision. "Wait, are ya cryin'?!"
Shuu raised a shaking hand to his face. His cheeks were wet. Shame welled up inside him, shame that was, due to its tiresome familiarity, in many ways more difficult to stomach than that of the act he had just been engaging in. No thrill accompanied it. He turned his face away. "Don't– Never mind that."
"I can't never mind it! You gotta talk ta me, Oshi-san! Do ya not like it?! If ya don't like it we can stop!" His voice trembled with fear.
He clearly needed comfort. Why did Shuu have to comfort him? It was horribly unfair. In that moment he resented Kagehira, not for the strength that had practically rent him asunder but for what strength he lacked. He should be the one doing the comforting. He should be speaking to Shuu in a level, soothing voice, telling him he was doing so well, that everything would be all right. He should be making love to him properly, should be handling all of it, should have been able to adjust without grinding everything to a halt. It was humiliating, the way he kept dithering about this. It was as if he wanted Shuu to debase himself and beg. It wasn't true but Shuu's pride was bruised as badly as if it was. Did Kagehira even want him? It was fully within his power to just take, and his failure to do so was infuriating.
But as much as it stung, there was no way around it. Shuu would have to marshall himself, in all his pain of body and psyche, and rectify this on his own, or they would never move forward. He took a deep breath and looked back at him. "It's all right, Kagehira," he said. "Yes, it is...strenuous, but I can endure that, provided you refrain from unecessary additional stimulation. You may continue until you reach completion."
"But I don't wanna make you feel bad!" Kagehira stared at him with a frenzied earnestness. "I mean, 'endure' don't sound like a whole lotta fun! We can do somethin' ya actually like!"
"We have spoken enough about how I feel. How do you feel, when you...?" Shuu's firm interrogation trailed off as he struggled to find a comfortable euphemism.
"Huh? I mean..." He became much quieter and lowered his gaze. I...think I was kinda sayin' how it felt, in the moment, ya know."
"Your speech was far too sloppy for me to understand. Say it again, and properly this time."
"I– I– I really don't think I should!" His face bright red, Kagehira now appeared to be looking for an escape route, his eyes darting everywhere but towards Shuu.
That was enough. "I have bared everything to you here," Shuu snapped, no longer making any attempt at sounding comforting. "The furthest reaches of my body, my most deplorable desires, my very soul. The least you can do in return is answer me with honesty."
"Nnnaaa..." Though clearly emitted in distress, the noise had a suspiciously similar quality to those he had made in arousal. His persistent erection did nothing to dissuade that impression, and his face had gone even redder. "It felt good, okay?! Really really good! Enough that it felt like I was doin' something wrong, like someone like me isn't meant ta feel that way! An' it is wrong, 'cause if I like somethin' that hurts Oshi-san, then I– I'm– 'Specially if I can't even do anythin' fer you at the same time! That just ain't right!"
Shuu paused to choose his words carefully. "If it sets you at ease, know that it does, by its very nature, do something for me. I believe the primal act enables a valuable intimacy. I also wish for you to experience pleasure. In the past you have cared for me without any regard for your own wellbeing, and in these last days you have tended to my needs most dutifully. A singular episode of selfishness would hardly be a sin."
All Kagehira had in response to these eloquently worded points was another noise, a conflicted, desperate whine from the back of his throat. He was looking at Shuu now, gaze traveling over his body with a intensity that made his skin prickle. Shuu was newly aware of how vulgar he must look in this state, in this position. Any resemblance to classical artwork was surely gone by now. Judging by Kagehira's expression, he did not find that offputting in the slightest. The battle behind his eyes between his lust and his other, less desirable demons already had a clear victor emerging. It needed only a little push.
"Please." Shuu did not entirely understand how to be seductive, but he threw the last shreds of his dignity to the wind and did his best, lowering his eyelids, jutting his rear out more prominently. "Let me give this to you."
Kagehira swallowed. He moved closer to him, hypnotized. "I guess...if ya really still want it.... Can't be that bad." His hands were once more touching Shuu. "I'll try an' finish up quick."
Shuu nodded and tured back to the pillow.
Then Kagehira was back on him, and in him. It was almost as if it hadn't been interrupted, but something felt different. Perhaps he was putting even more effort into being gentle, or perhaps he'd found a different angle by chance. Whatever the cause, it was not quite as painful, and there was a new feeling, barely perceptible at first but coming increasingly to the forefront with every thrust. It took him a moment to identify it, the nature of the pulses of warmth making his stomach clench. This was the pleasure he'd dreamed of, directly from their connection. It did not clash like it had when Kagehira had tried to touch him externally. It melded harmoniously with what pain remained into something terrible and wonderful. He'd been prepared to accept that such a thing was a mere fairy tale, but did fairy tales not hold within them a core of truth?
He bit his lip to keep from moaning when the next thrust provided him with the most potent spark yet. It was vital that he accept this with modesty. Besides, any observable reaction would cause Kagehira to make far too much of a fuss. As it was, he was being unusually quiet. He was not speaking the way he had before. His involuntary vocalizations informed Shuu that his enjoyment had not been lessened in any way, but he said nothing except the occasional murmur of Shuu's name. Well, not his name, but it felt like his name, from him, now more than ever. What had happened to the honesty Shuu had wrung from him? He ought to express his feelings. Perhaps he could stand to make a little fuss. Perhaps he could... Formulating thoughts was becoming difficult, particularly thoughts of criticism. He was approaching a wonderful state where his mind was empty and free, nothing except pure feeling.
He made it to that state, and he was allowed to remain in it for mere seconds before Kagehira squeezed him tightly, unleashed a strangled cry, and went still inside him. Then he was out and rolling him over onto his back and stroking his hair and saying things that would have touched Shuu's heart were he not reeling from having the sensation ripped away from him. One phrase in particular stuck out: "it's okay, it's over now".
Lingering pleasure dissolved into frustration. "Yes, it certainly is over, isn't it?" Shuu snapped. "I hope you intend to work on your stamina."
"Wh-What?" Kagehira stared at him, the hand on Shuu's hair freezing in place.
In a clearer state of mind Shuu would have found his countenance then piteous enough to halt his anger. He was not in a clear state of mind. "You heard me correctly. You cannot possibly satisfy me if that is all you can muster."
"...I'm sorry?" Kagehira's hand was gone now and he was shifting away him from him. "I thought you wanted it over quick, 'cause it hurt, right? Did I do somethin' wrong? I'm really, really sorry, Oshi-san!"
The more distance there was between them, the more frustrated Shuu became. "And now that you've had your fill you're abandoning me? I never took you for such a selfish lover, Kagehira."
"No, no, that ain't– Wait, of course you're upset, ya didn't come! Sorry, I'll handle it!" Kagehira scrambled back and reached for Shuu's member.
Shuu swatted his hand away. Touch there was profoundly unsatisfying right now, a hollow echo of what he'd just discovered and then lost. "That's not what I want."
Something in Kagehira's face seemed to crack, like a doll that had been accidentally dropped to the ground and causing the same immediate sick wave of regret. "What do you want, Oshi-san?" His voice wavered. "Please just tell me, tell me exactly what ta do! I can't keep...decidin' things! It just keeps makin' things worse an' worse an' I don't want things ta be worse! I want you ta be happy! So tell me! How do I make ya happy?"
Shuu couldn't tell him what he wanted. Even imagining the words made him cringe. But he could show him. He took his wrist, trying to infuse some tenderness into the touch as a form of apology, and pulled his hand back between his legs, but lower than it had been. The hand moved so easily, muscles submitting so entirely to Shuu's will that, as loaded as the metaphor was for them, it was impossible not to think of a marionette. He pressed Kagehira's fingers against his point of entry, in the process briefly feeling it himself and being taken aback at how different it felt now, no longer a dry, tight knot of muscle but an inherently sexual hole, made not for the inescapable mundanities but for both of their pleasure. "Here," he said.
"Inside?" Kagehira's expression had softened, but there was still a tinge of nervousness to his tone.
"Yes. There's..." He could do this. He could say something, if it would make Kagehira feel better, and if it would get himself what he wanted. "I believe there's a particular area, on the interior." That had to be enough.
Kagehira nodded, and in two of his fingers went, meeting very little resistance. He gently stroked him from within, and the contact was in and of itself a relief, but it wasn't quite right. The spark wasn't there.
"Deeper," Shuu said.
He went deeper. There was the feeling. It was faint, but recognizable nonetheless. The soft caress of his fingers was beginning to frustrate Shuu. It was nothing compared to the force of his thrusts.
"Harder."
Kagehira curled his fingers, pushing against his walls with an unrelenting insistence.
Yes. A heady jolt right where Shuu wanted it and going all through him. His body jerked and a horrible noise escaped from his throat, one of primal pleasure without the slightest bit of refinement. It only barely troubled him.
"Nnaa..." This time, the tone was that of pure awe. "I wanna make ya do that again."
He did it again, and again until Shuu was a twitching ecstatic mess. It was so good he almost couldn't stand it, all of the pleasure he'd sought with none of the pain. It felt sinful, but there were some sins he could not avoid when it came to Kagehira. If he must burn for this, so be it.
He was rapidly nearing his peak, and in his throes he happened to look down at himself. His hips were moving in a way he'd never imagined they could move, and that he'd never have chosen if he were doing it consciously. An intense, rhythmic rocking motion, bearing down on Kagehira's fingers and thrusting his painfully engorged member uselessly into the air. He squeezed his eyes shut to avoid the sorry sight, his careful, sophisticated programming of his own body overriden by the primal motion of sex that was hardwired into it. No distractions. He was so close.
It was only a matter of seconds from there. His tension was released in a white hot burst, stars appearing in the inky black sky behind his eyelids. His body performed an involuntary contortion so severe that he felt it dislodge Kagehira's fingers, and his voice did something, something so loud it hurt his own ears. There were perhaps words there, but likely not coherent ones.
He remained discombobulated for longer than usual, weightless, blissfully unthinking, but inevitably it ebbed. His eyes drifted open and were met by an obscene amount of ejaculate on both himself and the sheets he lay in. The unpleasant shock fully returned him to the present moment. Ugh. Had all that really come out of him just now? Over the course of their tryst he'd found a certain pride in how modest and controlled his emissions were compared to Kagehira's, but this eclipsed even any showing he'd seen from him. And, oh god, speaking of seeing, Kagehira was seeing this right now. Not to mention everything that had led up to it, a performance that now made Shuu's face burn with the deepest shame to recall.
Yes, Kagehira had been present for several of his climaxes already, but that had been different. The prior occassions had consistent of warm, mutual pleasure as they held each other close, close enough that they could not see but only feel each other. There had been something proper and romantic about it, worlds apart from Shuu desperately debasing himself, his whole wretched body in full view of his already sated, fully cognizant partner.
He did not under any circumstances want to look at Kagehira's face, but his eyes were seized by some morbid compulsion and he looked anyway. His expression was of total awe, as if he were experiencing an angelic visitation, as if he'd seen something no man had fathomed before. It made no sense at all. He had seen it before, surely, in all those pornographic videos he watched. Shuu was no different from the people in them now.
Unbearable. Absolutely unbearable. "Don't look at me," he choked out.
Kagehira's pupils shrank and jerked away from from Shuu. "I– I'm sor–"
"You don't have to keep apologizing." Shuu tried to dampen the protective venom in his voice, but the resulting restrained quality made him sound terribly cold. He did not know how to fix that. "You've done nothing wrong. Just...don't look at me."
"Okay," Kagehira said in a small voice.
Shuu found he could no longer bring himself to look at him either. Heart still pounding so hard it made him nauseous, he rolled over onto his side, facing away from him. He felt the weight of the mattress shift, presumably Kagehira settling down on the other side.
At first all Shuu could think about was what had been done to him, trying to come to terms with how much of himself had been surrendered to another, to ascertain whether he was still the same person afterwards. Eventually, however, this train of thought resolved itself enough to make room for what he had done. He had embarrassed himself, certainly. But there was more than that. The more he thought on it, the more a concerning pattern began to emerge, one that felt even worse than the indignity of it all. He had treated Kagehira terribly unfairly. He'd thought he'd learned better by this point, but apparently he had not learned enough. He must have wounded him so many times with his outbursts, not to mention the literal wound on his arm from where he'd kicked him. It made his heart hurt to think that he'd caused his lover turmoil during such a important act. He had intended so earnestly to gift him pleasure. Why was it so difficult to manifest his feelings purely? Why must they always grow thorns on the way out?
He had to apologize, clearly. In theory, he could roll back over and do so right then, but in practice, something in him still balked at facing him in such a dirtied and disheveled state. He'd fix it, then. He'd make himself beautiful again, and then he would apologize. He sat up, gaze steadfastly fixed on his destination of the bathroom door, and swung his legs over the side of the bed.
When he tried to stand up, a fresh wave of pain shot through him. His knees were weak, his center of balance off. He stumbled, and he would have fallen if something hadn't caught him.
No, someone. Disoriented, he jerked his head to see what was keeping him upright and found Kagehira firmly holding his arm, his head turned away.
"I still ain't lookin', don't worry," he said. "But please let me help, Oshi-san. It's my fault you're like this."
Shuu's heart melted. He wished he could express the breadth of his gratitude, but all that came out was a "Hmph."
Kagehira led him to the bathroom without needing to be directed, slowly to accomodate for Shuu's awkward limping. He had not anticipated it being this difficult to walk after. How long would the effects persist? ...They were temporary, surely? The alternative was too cruel. If by giving into lust he had impaired his ability to perform... It didn't bear thinking about.
They arrived at the door, and Shuu extricated himself and entered alone. He could manage that much. He found that the warm water from the shower soothed his aches, washing them away as it did his seed. Unlike the previous shower, he was keenly aware of time passing and left as soon as he was clean. The apology was burning in his throat, yearning to be unleashed.
Kagehira did not turn to him when the door opened. His eyes were averted in the direction of his bed, which looked as if a hurricane had hit it. More mess to clean.
"You can look at me now, Kagehira." To Shuu's profound relief, his voice was as soft as he'd meant it to be.
He looked. Though worry was still etched across his face, something in it brightened slightly. "Nnaa... I'll never get over how pretty ya are."
"Don't waste your breath speaking the obvious. I have...something more important to say." Shuu put his hands on Kagehira's shoulders and looked directly into his eyes. "I am sorry."
"You're...huh? Fer what?" he asked blankly.
"What do you mean, 'fer what'?!" Ah, he was shouting. Shuu lowered his voice once more. "For my utterly inappropriate demeanor, of course. You entrusted your delicate heart to me, and I treated it with mercurial vitriol."
"Wait, is this about how ya kept gettin' mad about stuff? 'Cause that really ain't somethin' ya gotta apologize for. I know you're real particular. Plus it was yer first time, it's natural ya'd be–"
"It was yours as well, and I cast a dreadful pall over it!"
"No ya didn't! Oshi-san, this is the best day of my life!" Kagehira's hands were now on his shoulders in turn. "My heart's still racin' like crazy thinkin' about what we did! No way is you fussin' a little enough ta ruin that! I was worried, sure, but you're okay, right? Ya liked it?"
Shuu somehow summoned the enormous willpower requisite for honesty and nodded.
A wide smile spread across Kagehira's face. "Then we're good! We're great! Amazin', even!" He leaned closer. From his eyes, it was obvious what he wanted.
Shuu obliged. He kissed him. Their grasp on each other became a tight embrace. The word was apt: it was amazing. This tender intimacy was precisely what Shuu needed, and it lowered his walls enough that when they paused for breath, he found his innermost thoughts could for once be expressed directly.
"Sometimes," he said, "I wish you would be angrier with me."
Another smile. "I'd do just about anythin' for ya, Oshi-san, but I don't think I can do that."
They went back to kissing, and only stopped for good when Shuu remembered his flight. He hastily got dressed, while Kagehira offered to stay behind and clean the sheets.
"You go an' get Mado-nee an' all yer stuff," he said. "I'll hurry so I can still see ya off at the airport."
Shuu winced as he walked to the door. The pain had receded somewhat, but it remained a noticeable companion. "Ugh. I cannot say I look forward to traversing it in such a state."
"Oh yeah, an' ya gotta sit in a plane seat fer hours... Sorry." Kagehira shot him a guilty, sympathetic look that soon morphed into something else. "...Hey. You'll prolly still be walkin' weird in Paris, huh? That ain't a bad thought."
"Excuse me?" Shuu played the part of being affronted, as if he didn't understand exactly what he meant, as if the thought didn't fill him too with a curious mixture of comfort and excitement.
There was an odd look in his eyes. "If yer friends ask–especially if it's the one that was showin' ya porn or whatever–will ya tell 'em it's because yer fiancé fu–I mean made love with ya? An' that his dick is really big?"
Shuu scoffed and wondered whether Kiryuu or Tsukinaga had been the one to tell him. He could not imagine Morisawa doing so. He would have liked to clarify some points, but at the moment, all he had time for was "I am not telling anybody that," before he was out the door.
After he closed it behind him, he had a scant few seconds of silence in the hall. Then,
"SHUU!"
"Gyo?!" Shuu nearly jumped out of his skin and whirled around to meet the owner of the boisterous voice.
"Yes, it is I, your Hibiki Wataru, patiently waiting in the wings to make his entrance!" He bowed deeply.
Shuu sighed, his heart rate gradually decreasing again. "Wataru, I happen to be in a hurry."
"So I have heard! Fret not, for I intend to deliver my congratulations with little fanfare!"
"Your...congratulations?" At first there was only confusion, and then a dread suspicion began to take root in Shuu's mind. Oh no. No, no. He couldn't possibly...
"On your love, of course!" He could. "Ah, to think we'd see the day when our Shuu not only spoke of love, but practiced it in all its glory! Amazing!" He grabbed Shuu's hand and shook it vigorously.
H-How do you..." Shuu stammered, heat rising to his face.
"Your cries of passion were unmistakeable with only a wall betwixt us! I did not even have to enlarge my ears!"
Shuu's eyes flicked over to Wataru's door right next to Kagehira's. He internally cursed Hasumi for the dorm arrangements, though as he thought about it, it did occur to him that there were numerous worse options. "Do you...think anyone else..." he murmured in horror.
"Now, don't allow this bit part to occupy you any longer!" Wataru seemed to have no intention of answering this question, instead pushing him down the hall. "Run along, Juliet! Fly, fly!"
Shuu had no choice but to do so. His heart and mind raced as he headed for the stairs at as fast a pace as he could comfortably muster. He would have far too much to think about on the plane.