You, Here, With Yourself

by Originia

Summary:

You're doing this. You're giving this to them. You're encouraging something that... surely couldn't ever possibly backfire. Nope! Teehee!

"Anyways, let me put it this way for you, stardust... [You've gained the conversation topic (Touch Exposure Therapy)! When you loop back to talk to me, you can choose this option at any time! But only once per loop! Don't get greedy now!]"

-

Or: Loop helps Siffrin with their Touch Exposure Therapy, feelings are caught, and everyone is SUPER normal about it.

Notes:

working document title: isat touch therapy fic if youre feeling freaky

listen. i'm sorry. here i am bringing yet another cake (touch therapy fic) to the cake party (everyone else's touch therapy fics). my cake flavor is loop's deteriorating mental health + sifloop getting increasingly freakier (nonsexual) with it. you get a nice and normal slice to start though. bonne appetit.

Chapter 1: Hand

"I see you, stardust."

Your words must catch him off-guard, because he startles. He'd undoubtedly been lost in thought. Almost certainly thinking they weren't real. You know this. You know them.

You know the way you think.

"I see you," you say. "Y-You're still here, look!"

You refuse to think of your actions as anything close to hesitant. That's not what Loop is!! Loop is bright and cheery and annoying and oh so helpful~

Still. It takes a moment to reach across the space between you two. And it's! Not hesitant! Just! You're being considerate, that's all!! You're giving your stardust time to react. To pull away. To do anything but. Sit there. And watch you. Close the distance.

You... poke their gloved hand.

"Stardust," you say. "You're here, with me."

. . .

Oops! You forgot! Your voice! That was too serious, too similar! You hope he doesn't notice!

Your stardust breathes out, slowly. Calmly. You... can't help but brighten at that. Ha! That's better. Look at you! Helping them! He smiles at you. Aww!

Before you can pull away, he twists his hand around and grasps yours. Oh. Um! Hm! You think you maybe... flinched... just a bit.

"You're also here," they say gently. "With me."

. . . !

"Ha..." You have no idea what your face is doing. And... and– Lucky for you! There's not much face there, at all! As you've recently learned! So whatever your stardust sees! Is probably fine!

They surely have no idea how sad and ironic this all is! The two of you! Here! With each other!

You, here, with yourself.

You snap your free hand up to cover your nonexistent mouth and smile. "I sure am!!!!!!"

Your stardust keeps hold of your hand. And– and this is the first time you've really touched anyone, isn't it? Since becoming like this. Wow! Weird! Why!!! He is still holding onto you!!!!!

"Loop," they say, looking down and away. Embarrassed??? "Would this be... okay?"

Your fingers twitch, and you sort of... hold his hand back, to give them something to do. "Would what be okay, stardust?"

He squeezes your hand. "Um. This? You... you called it. T-touch... therapy?"

His voice gets smaller and smaller until it's barely audible. You stop yourself from leaning closer, trying to catch the words. Their chin has tucked itself away in their cloak and they're avoiding your gaze. Fascinating!

"Touch exposure therapy," you say brightly.

He mumbles and doesn't say anything that can be discerned as actual words. Wow! You're sure awkward and uncomfortable as Siffrin, aren't you! Look at them!

But as Loop you're just sooo so so helpful! And you know what they're trying to say, anyways!

"Aw stardust," you croon. "Aw! Aw!!! Do you want to practice touch with me! Me!!!!! Aw!!!!!"

"Stop it," he grumbles.

"Awwwww!!!! Awww!!!" You can't stop. Otherwise you'd have to think about what this might mean. "Stardust!! Touch!!! With me!!!!"

"You can just say no," your stardust says. He finally loosens his hold on your hand and slips away. You let him go. "You don't have to make fun of me for it."

You sit back in your usual pose. Back straight! Legs crossed! You steeple your hands together and ignore the way the one of them feels tingly and warm.

"What part of what I said sounded like a no to you, hm!"

Oh, Loop, what are you doing. You... blink and smile and don't think about it!

"...?" Your stardust is still hiding beneath his (your) hat and there's only a slight tilt in their posture that hints at hope.

You! Are helpful! Helpful Loop!

"Yes," you say. You flip a hand dismissively. "Yes, your touch exposure therapy. Since your party has become sooooo dreadfully inadequate in this quest of yours, I suppose I can step in."

"You can?"

"Mmhm! We can't have all of your wonderful progress go to waste! I wouldn't stand for it!"

"You..." They're squinting at you now. But look! You've pulled him out of hiding! Good job, Loop! "You are making fun of me, aren't you."

"Maybe a little~" You grin from behind your hand again. "But! I also mean it! I'm here to help you, stardust. And aren't I so helpful! Aren't I just the best!"

"You're... kind of annoying, actually."

Ow!? But also, probably deserved! You laugh at them.

"Rude!" You take a breath that you don't need and clasp your hands together. You're doing this. You're giving this to them. You're encouraging something that... surely couldn't ever possibly backfire. Nope! Teehee! "Anyways, let me put it this way for you, stardust... [You've gained the conversation topic (Touch Exposure Therapy)! When you loop back to talk to me, you can choose this option at any time! But only once per loop! Don't get greedy now!]"

"Ow."

"Alright! There you go, stardust!"

Your stardust looks down and away. His face is dusted with a hint of darkness. B-blushing! Oh! Oh?

"Thanks," they mumble, and then continue mumbling, under their breath, "This won't make things awkward at all."

Oh???

"So," you say, bright and loud. "Is there anything else I can help you with on this wonderful new loop?"

There isn't. Your stardust is looking into Time Craft. Something you never, ever found sign of on your loops. And you aren't thinking about THAT, so! You both commiserate on books... finding them. Reading them. He sighs, finally. And gets up to leave.

You tell them you'll see them later, like always. You wave, gently, like you've been doing since he completed all familyquests and still found themselves trapped, here. With you.

And your stardust returns your goodbye in a way they never have before, with a long look followed by a quick duck of their head. Which could arguably be a nod. But. Could also, arguably, be something else, given the faint blush and stutter step.

Hm!

They walk away from the tree.

Off on another loop. Off to another failed attempt. You remain here, under the tree. And you try not to think too hard about any of what just happened.

Chapter 2: Ankle

Summary:

So.

You're not stupid.

At least, you're not that stupid. Not anymore. Not after all your loops and all this time watching yourself from an outside perspective and seeing exactly what you look like when–

Well.

Notes:

heya peeps, nice to see that at least 50 of you were at the cake party and saw MY cake and said 'oh boy, another cake! yippee!'

love y'all who kudo'd, commented, subscribed. the first chapter was a teaser... and now we're really kicking things off. here's some more loop being soooooo normal. mwah.

(i've got like, idk, a few chapters written beyond this. updates will be very much based on vibes. right now vibes are good [thumbs up])

Another loop. Another conversation. They want to talk about something, like always. He...

He asks if you're jealous of his family members.

Ha! Hahaha!

How hilarious~

But... something in you must not get the memo, or maybe– maybe it's the too-knowing expression on your stardust's face, but either way–

"Like what?" you shout. "Like I'm your partner, waiting at home, and when I finally get to talk to you, all you can talk about is the fun you're having with other people?!?"

. . .

Oh stars above. Loop. Loop, what is wrong with you!? What is WRONG with you! Why did you say that!!!

He's just watching you!!!

"F-Forget I said that," you say quickly. Oh stars, his face. "That was a terrible awful metaphor."

Your stardust purses their lips. "Uh huh."

You tilt forwards, and push your voice to be just a little more sharp. Added dramatics, to mask your genuine embarrassment. "Shut your mouth. I'm really not jealous, okay?"

He's watching you, still. And– and you know him. Know how curious they must be. Of this reaction. Because you– you're doing it on purpose, aren't you. Yes. Yes. That makes sense. You're keeping his attention on you, giving them something new, some variety, a reprieve from the monotony of the loops. You're doing it for him! Helpful! That's Loop!

So, you look away. "...Not of your party, anyway."

Your stardust... hums. And keeps quiet. He's letting the topic go. They sit there, settled under the tree, with you. They don't cross their legs, or sit up straight, or steeple their hands together, because that's all Loop! Something you do to keep you different from him! No, instead he curls forward, tucks his heels into the base of the root, and keeps his hands hidden away beneath their cloak.

It's silent, for a long moment.

"Okay!" you say, like your role demands you to. "How else can I help you on this wonderful new loop!"

Your stardust peers at you from under their hat, and you can tell he's considering his options. Will he–

"Can we do touch exposure therapy?"

Oh!! He will!!!

You grin. Or at least your closest approximation of it. Good job, stardust! Well done, stardust! It's been a couple loops since you unlocked this option for him. He'd been keeping to the House floors, reading books, avoiding the garden room. Spent a whole loop in the library, failing to uncover anything about Time Craft. He DID find that one book in a side room about the different smells of Craft, which! Interesting! It gave you something to think about, here at the Favor Tree. Made you realize you're almost entirely unable to smell things right now, as you are.

Oh! Right! He's watching you, worried. Loop! Focus! Don't mess this up!

"Of course, stardust!!" You clap your hands together and tilt your head. Like you're so so sooo pleased at them. "You remembered! You used the option!!"

"Ugh," he mumbles, but your words have done the trick. He's not quite relaxed, but close. "Okay. So then..."

"So!"

He doesn't move.

Up to you, then!

You don't give yourself time to think about it. The distance between you two is just this side of awkward. If you're both leaning forwards, you can reach each other, like last time, but that's not what you do.

You stretch, kick a leg out, and hook your foot under his knee. The motion hides the way you shudder at the contact, but it doesn't hide your stardust's flinch. That's okay! This is why you're doing this!

You drag your foot down, along his calf, teasing out your stardust's leg from where he'd tucked it against the tree's root.

"You're here," you hear yourself say. "With me."

He lets you pull his foot into the space between you. You end up with your ankles pressed together. You kick at him, gently, little jolts of movement to show them that they are here. Real.

Your stardust has been quiet, since your first move. You hazard a glance up at his face.

It's dusted dark with blush again. He... presses his foot back against yours. And then, with a quick breath in and out, he says softly, "And you're also here, with me."

Aww. Aww!!!

Is this– is this going to be a thing? You two, saying these words to each other? You two, here together, with yourselves?

. . .

Aw!!!

You know that encouraging sequences of repetition might... not be the best idea, right now. But! You can't help it! There's a script, now, isn't there? And it's in your nature to follow! You flip your hand up in front of where your mouth isn't and smile.

"I sure am!!!!!" you say.

You both sit there, for a few minutes. You lightly kick-tap-kick at his foot, his ankle, his calf. Your stardust get more into it, tapping back, and at one point he tries to pin your foot down with his. It leaves you with a strange giddy feeling. You wonder if this is helping them at all, but then you catch their gaze and he blushes and ducks his head and tap-taps your foot with his and he smiles. Smiles!

Aaaaaaaa! You just want to scrunch him up and shake him loose and grasp them tight tight tight and crumple them and tear them open and–

"Thank you, Loop."

Ah! Ah?

Your stardust smiles at you, soft and shy. The weird giddiness is back, and you deal with it by tapping your non-mouth with a pointed finger and laughing.

"Genuine thanks?" you teehee. "Gross!"

His smile doesn't change, and you both stay that way for a few moments longer. With one final prod, your stardust curls his leg back and prepares to leave.

You kick off the usual routine. See you later, stardust. Gentle wave. Cute nod. And then they're off, leaving you here, at the tree.

Alone.

So.

So!

You don't break character. The Universe is watching, after all~

But you do stand up and make your way behind the tree, where it's more overgrown, out of sight of the main path. The canopy's shade is dense near the base of the tree, but a little further out it breaks apart in speckled spots of light. You usually would climb the tree, after your stardust leaves you, but sometimes, rarely, you come back here. There's a spot in the tall grass where the ground is even enough to more or less comfortably lie down. You found it on Loop 16.

It's juuuust different enough from laying in the meadow to not tip you into a full blown panic attack.

...Yay!

You lay back, hands folded on your chest. The grass brushes against your sides, something you barely feel with this strange, weird, disgusting body. The Favor Tree's branches stretch out overtop you, impeding your view of the sky. You lay and you look up and you think.

. . .

So.

You're not stupid.

At least, you're not that stupid. Not anymore. Not after all your loops and all this time watching yourself from an outside perspective and seeing exactly what you look like when–

Well.

You've got a crush on the Fighter. That's no surprise. You'd figured that one out on your own when it was still you who was looping. It's... icky and mortifying, and these days when you see your stardust dancing around that man you kind of want to throttle yourself. But, hm, it's cute.

...The Fighter's got a huuuuuge crush on you, too. Obviously. But that's not what's important here.

The shy smiles, the lingering looks, the blushing face. It's... well it's all kind of the same, isn't it? As with the Fighter? Only, ha! It's directed at you. At Loop. And! Well! Well!!!!

Well!!!!!!!

You kick your feet a little. You pick at your wrist, your hand. You hum a tuneless note. In the back of your mind you recognize it all as little self-soothing gestures. In the foreground of your mind...

He can't actually have a crush on you. Right?

It's just the proximity. The... touching. The fact that he's overwhelmed and tired and that you're here and helping. They'd probably blush and get all cute and shy if ANYONE were to gently hold his hand for a few minutes. You know you would! And you're! The same person!!!

So!!

Hum. Pick. Tap. You're bouncing your knee now, too. Enough to rock you just a bit where you lay among the grass.

You just need to be a little meaner. A little more condescending. Really amp up the dramatics and downplay the empathy. Discourage whatever silly things your stardust may or may not be thinking about you. Because! Because!!!!

He can't!!!!! Right!?!?

. . .

You laugh, weak and pitched strangely. Not at all like your usual Loop laugh. Ugh. Right. Come on Loop. Do better.

You laugh! Again! This time it's bright and pitched exactly how Loop should sound. Good! Good! You cover the bottom of your face with your hands and keep giggling. This is! Really quite funny! Teehee! Imagine, haha, your stardust, crushing on you! Imagine! Hahaha! Ha! What would that say about him!

...What would it say about you?

. . .

You sit up. Enough of this! It's silly. Pointless, even! You're Loop! Helpful Loop! And given that your stardust hasn't skip-ahead-slipped their way to a comedic death yet means that they're planning to run this loop à la mode classique. Clocktower. Dinner. Bed. The Fighter's stupid promise. You've got some time to kill and you're not going to be doing it thinking about shy smiles and pretty blushes on your own blinding face.

Let's go, Loop. You've got a Favor Tree to climb.

Chapter 3: Shoulder

Summary:

Stars, there it is! Back-to-back, too. Your stardust is just sooooooo needy and pathetic. At least you know they looped back to talk about Time Craft and not just for this exercise. Otherwise, you might have had to do something drastic, like kill him.

Notes:

wow haha, guess who remembered they could reply to comments? (me, i did.) anyways, hiiii! thank you to everyone who has kudo'd and commented! i'm really enjoying posting this and seeing the feedback. what a freakin' rush. ooooohhh we're gonna go places, hehehe.

thinking i might wednesday update. maayybe weekends if i've got something ready by then. the plan is to bring this thing right to the end of canon and then who knows~

enjoy!

It was on the first floor. A book about Time Craft. Your stardust finally found it, found something new, found something you had never, ever seen in your own loops. You listen in as they talk to their party. Listen to them all theorize about the control of Time.

You try not to think about how useless you are and how you, alone, were always doomed to fail.

. . .

...You know your stardust will want to talk to you about their findings.

You watch him die to the Sadness at the end of floor one. Purposely. It's a rough way to go. And so very inefficient. You'd have touched a tear.

"So," your stardust says several minutes later, back under the Favor Tree.

You wonder if you should tell them how silly they look running through the same joke with the Fighter at the start of every loop. Tree-mendous tree is getting really, really tiring. "Sooooooo?"

Your stardust makes a face, squinting at you. "Got any theories about the loops I'm trapped in?"

Ha! Nope! "Why would I?"

"Your name is LITERALLY 'Loop'."

. . .

Okay, this IS funny. "Oh, stars above," you laugh. "It is! Teehee!"

Oooh~ He's mad at you. Haha! You tell him you're just bad at names (true! hilariously so!) and that you only know as much as they do (debatably a lie, but not where it matters). At his request, you end up summarizing what you both know about the loops.

It's...

It's interesting, isn't it? Thinking about what causes you to actually loop. About whether it can be controlled. About what it means to 'advance'. And it's... easier to think about it if you're focusing on your stardust's loops rather than considering what became of your own. It's nice to theorize when you have someone to talk to, even if it's just yourself.

You catch your stardust looking off to the side with a thoughtful, slightly disturbed look on their face. Hm. Maybe one of these loops you and your stardust can test the leg-chopping-off thing. That'd be fun, you think! Kind of exciting!

But, in the meantime...

The big questions, huh.

"Stardust," you say. "We've been talking for a while, so maybe not right now, but... when you have some time, will you hang out with me for a bit?"

They blink, surprised. "Hang out?"

You look away. Leg-chopping would be fun. This other idea... is less so. "I have... A theory I'd like to test. And..."

You snap a hand up over your non-mouth and laugh.

"And we haven't spent any time together, stardust!!!" You push your voice, to make up for the earlier seriousness. "I'm lonely!!! I want to have a long conversation with someone, anyone!!! I wanna hang ouuuuuut!!!"

Pftt, your stardust's face. So annoyed! Teehee!

You tell him that you'll wait for whenever he's ready. They look intrigued, but not in a way that screams they're desperate to hang out with you or anything. Which is... good. Good! No crush here! Hahaha~

Anyways!

Back to it. You cross your legs and tilt your head. "In the meantime... How can I help you on this wonderful new loop?"

He's quiet for a long moment.

There's so much he could ask, now. You try not to anticipate what they'll choose.

"Can we... practice touch?" he mumbles.

Stars, there it is! Back-to-back, too. Your stardust is just sooooooo needy and pathetic. At least you know they looped back to talk about Time Craft and not just for this exercise. Otherwise, you might have had to do something drastic, like kill him.

"Aw, so greedy," you say. And then, before they can really react, you say, "Of course, stardust! But! This time it's your move!!"

"My move?"

"Mhm!" You clap your hands together and smile brightly, condescendingly. "I can't be doing all the heavy lifting myself! This is YOUR therapy, stardust. You're the one with the weird aversion to touch!"

Your stardust shrinks into his cloak. He looks away, not saying anything.

You laugh. "You have to get used to reaching out too, y'know!"

"O-okay," he says, hesitantly.

And he. Does not move.

. . .

"I'm waiting~," you tell them.

He... doesn't look at you. But, after another long moment, your stardust finally, stiffly stands up. You think for a second that he might leave... but then they take a couple steps closer. You stop kicking your legs, suddenly cautious of any movement. Without looking at you, they turn and sit.

Next to you.

...He's left a gap.

"Heya, stardust," you say. Your voice has unintentionally gone soft. Ugh. "Welcome to this side of the tree. Now I didn't think you needed a tutorial for touching, but what you're doing right now is not it."

"I know," he says. Like you're actually offering useful advice and not making fun of them. "Sorry. Just–"

He keeps his head down, eye barely flitting to your side, just enough to guide them as he slowly, cautiously raises a hand and...

Pokes you on your arm.

You twitch.

"Sorry," they say again, and quickly pulls their hand back.

"That's it???" You twist to look at them head-on. Your stardust is curled up, hands clasped by their chest. The hat blocks most of your view of his face. But his posture screams regret. "That's it?? Stardust, that was just pathetic. Do better."

He grumbles something you can't hear.

"What's that?" You put a hand to the side of your head and lean into their space. Hm, do you have ears? "Speak up, stardust."

"I said... why?"

"Why?" You huff indignantly. "Why?? Because!!! That was a stupid and pointless attempt. A failing grade in touch exposure therapy. You either touch me like you mean it, or don't choose the option to begin with."

He finally looks up at you at that. He's close. Maybe as close as you've ever been. You're the same height, of course you are, only right now your back is flexed straight and theirs is hunched like he's carrying the weight of the world. It makes you feel taller. Powerful. Your stardust looks at you from under the rim of their hat and you kind of want to reach out and rip the thing from his head, grab a handful of his hair and–

"It's what I did with my party," he says. "Just a quick poke."

"Well!!" You press your hands together. "We both saw how well that turned out, didn't we?"

They look down and away. "...Yeah."

Okay, this is getting ridiculous. You refuse to feel bad about any of it. Your stardust is a grown adult and can make their own choices without you holding his hand the entire way. Stars, you roll your eyes and look up into the canopy. Still...

"Listen, stardust," you sigh. "You know you don't have to do anything if you really don't–"

Pressure. Against your arm. You freeze, and look down at your side.

His hat is almost offensively in your face. But. You can tell. Your stardust is leaning against you, pressed arm to arm. You can feel the slightest tremor, and so, with a breath in, and out, you force yourself to relax into the touch.

You need to show him how it's done, after all.

"There you go," you say. Ack. Too soft, too fond. Fix your voice! "Took you long enough, teehee!!! This is more like it!"

You can feel how he huffs out a small, annoyed breath. But... you can also feel how he tries to relax, slowly, step by step. Like they're testing each release and judging whether it's safe. You work on being perfectly, totally normal. Normal Loop!! Here to be leaned on!!!

Oh– oh! The script!

"You're here," you say. "With me."

You both hear and feel him laugh. A small thing. "And you're also here, with me."

"I sure am!!" you say brightly. "Teehee! Look at us! We're so good at our jobs!"

The wind rustles the leaves of the Favor Tree. Your stardust leans against you, almost entirely relaxed now, except for some faint trembling. It's... nice. Comfortable. You think that doing this with anyone else would make you feel sick, but of course it's different, with them. With you.

"You do it on purpose," he says. "Don't you?"

"Do whaaaat?"

They don't respond for a long moment. To the point where you think they might drop whatever this line of thought is. You kind of... don't want to know. But you have your suspicions, and–

"You keep covering up something nice you've said with something mean, or something ridiculous. You do it on purpose."

Ah.

Yes. You do.

Stars! It's unnerving that he's caught you out so easily. And ha! Isn't it funny!! Being on the other side of this dance. A little taste of what he must feel all the time, when you throw their thoughts and motivations back into their own face. Because you know them. Because they are you.

Oh stardust, if only you knew.

You lean heavily against him and tuck your hand around his arm. "Ha! You're so funny, stardust! I don't know what you're talking about~"

They startle at your movement, but settle into it much quicker than before. Progress!!! And when he speaks, it's only to say, "Can we walk about something?"

Ohhhh! Doubling up! Touch exposure therapy AND chatting with Loop? Such a greedy little stardust. You laugh at him, bright and cheery.

"Sure!"

"Why 'stardust'?"

Oh!

Oh...

You settle against him. Your shoulders are pressed together, and your arm is tucked underneath theirs. You really can't see much of anything thanks to the brim of his hat. It... bothers you, in this moment, that you can't see their face. Your face. You tighten your hold on him and look away.

"...Because," you say. "You're what's left, I suppose."

You feel him twitch, either in surprise of your answer or due to your hold. Probably a mix of both. "What's left of what?"

Aaaand that's enough of that!!! Come on, Loop. Back in character!!!

"And because it's a cute nickname!" You push your shoulder more firmly into your stardust's and even go so far as to tilt your head against their hat. "You're my little stardust! My little cutie patootie stardust!"

He pushes back, heels digging into the dirt to prevent you from bowling him over. "Just say you don't want to answer, it's fine."

Well!!! Since he already called you out on it before!!! You put on your best overly fake voice and say–

"But it's so much fun to annoy you instead!" You wiggle a little, delighting in his grunt of exasperation. "Distracting people with puns and jokes is the best way to evade stupid questions."

He surprises you by saying, "Yeah, I can relate."

Ha! Hahahaha! They sure can!!!!

The conversation trails off, after that. You both sit here, on the same root, side by side. Like leaning against a warped funhouse mirror. You think about sliding your fingers between theirs. You think about stars and stardust and loops and warmth against your side. You realize you've begun kicking your legs again, gently, like you usually do. Your stardust's legs are still, but you can see that he's tapping his toes in time with your movements.

It's... your chest feels tight, all of a sudden.

You... you...

"Hey Loop," your stardust says softly.

"Hm?"

"I'm... I think I'm going to go talk to the King, this loop. About Time Craft." You feel him take a deep breath in, and out. "He's the one who mentioned it, right?"

You don't want to think about the King. You kind of don't want to think of anything. "Guess we'll have no time to hang out, then~! Poor, lonely me."

Your stardust squeezes your arm, as if they are genuinely remorseful at your faked loneliness. "Next loop?"

You sigh dramatically and slide your arm out from his hold. You complete the movement by leaning away, finally breaking contact with them. That's enough!! Enough touch therapy for today!!! Your stardust is clearly gearing up to leave anyways, so might as well help move things along! You cover your mouth cutely and twist to look at them.

"Only if you promise~!" you start to say, but then–

You make eye contact with him for the first time since they leaned against you, the brim of their hat finally revealing the face underneath.

. . . !

Why does he look like that!!!!????

Fond!? Mushy?? Soft??? Huh?????? He's looking at you like you're– like you– like there's something sweet and... and likeable about you. Uh!?? What?? Why??? When did that happen!!?? You thought you'd done well!! You made fun of them like three times!!! What went wrong????

You have no idea what your face is doing but it must be something BAD and TRAITOROUS because your stardust smiles slow and prettily at you.

"I promise," he says.

Um!!!??

"G-get outta here, stardust!" you say, super duper rudely. Not at all flustered. Ha. Haha. "You've got better things to do than hang out with little ol' me, hm! It's fine!! I'm definitely not plotting my revenge or anything, teehee!"

"If you say so," they say, still smiling. Still sitting on your root.

"Go!!! Away!!!" You put a hand on his shoulder and push. "Loop time revoked!!! Stop hogging my Favor Tree spot!!"

He lets you push him upright. They spend a moment brushing off their cloak, and you see the way his fingers linger at his shoulder, as if trying to memorize the sensation. Your not-heart pounds, a buzzing, wild feeling. You look away, shakily, and force yourself to say the usual line.

"S-see you later, stardust!"

Out of the corner of your eye, you see them nod gently at you. "See you, Loop." A beat. "Thank you."

And then they're off.

. . .

The moment they are out of sight you clasp your hands to your face, curl over your knees, and scream.

Chapter 4: Flower

Summary:

So there's something wrong with you.

You knew this, already. There's always been something wrong with you. Your forgetfulness, your ignorance, your greediness, your emptiness. But this?

This is new.

Notes:

ouu im nervous about this one hehehe

thank you for the responses so far on this! loving the feedback! and not to be desperate or anything, but please please please keep it going? this chapter in particular is... you'll see. i am curious about what people will think

also!!! i really need to thank the folks over at the ISAT Script Project for their amazing work on the site. best reference resource in the whole entire world, imo

So there's something wrong with you.

You knew this, already. There's always been something wrong with you. Your forgetfulness, your ignorance, your greediness, your emptiness. The time loops didn't turn you wrong, but they sure did make you worse. Brought you to depths of wrongness that resulted in the destruction of yourself and all those around you.

So yeah, there's always been something wrong with you.

But this?

This is new.

... Or maybe it isn't. Maybe you just never had the means through which to recognize this kind of unique wrongness. Maybe it's always been there, just undiscovered. Or... or maybe you've always been this kind of wrong, but somewhere along the way you'd forgotten.

You sit, dozens of feet up the Favor Tree, and laugh.

It's not a nice laugh.

Your stardust is halfway through floor 3 of the House. You don't know why they chose to do the floor the long way, this time, but you appreciate the reprieve. He could've looped straight to the King, asked his question, and then died.

But instead he's being a sweetheart and giving you enough time to have a nice, long mental breakdown. In peace!

You cling to the trunk of the Favor Tree and giggle. Sweet, precious stardust. So nice to you. So enamored!!! With his pretty smile and soft gaze and cute, lovely face.

Your own~ blinding~ face~

They must really be desperate for affection, to be so gone on you so quickly. A few tender moments, a couple of gentle touches. Hehehehe. It's sad, but you don't mind! You're here to help! Helpful Loop!

They're you~ a copy of you~

You're not sure where this is going, but you're starting to think you don't really mind! It's not like anything else in this world is real anymore! It's not like any consequences ever actually stick around! Who cares if your stardust has a crush on you! Who cares if you feel the same–

Stop stop stop stop he doesn't know he'd hate you and you can't-shouldn't-won't think like this you need to stop stop stop–

It doesn't matter!!!!! Even if your stardust did know, even if you did tell them– they're you!!!! Hahahahaha! And if you can feel this way towards yourself then surely he could feel it too! It wouldn't change anything!!!! It'd just complete this sick, perverted circle!!

... you're disgusting.

You scratch at the bark and pretend you're digging your fingers into soft, yielding flesh. His wrist. Your knee. Their ankle. Your shoulder. Maybe even more, soon. If he asks you. Chest, thigh, face, stomach, neck. You make a noise somewhere between a whine and a laugh.

There is something soooo wrong with you.

"I know," you breathe. "I know, I know, know. Hehehehe. I'm wrong, this is wrong. This is so funny. Why am I like this? Hehe. Hah. Why? Why why why?"

The tree doesn't answer you.

Somewhere, in the back of your mind, you know your stardust has made it to the room before the King.

"Why," you gasp, and you don't know what you're asking for anymore. "Why, why, why." Maybe you've just broken something, some part of your mind, some integral piece that would've prevented you from feeling these things towards your own blinding stardust. "Why, wh– hah, it's okay. It's fine, I'm fine. It's okay. I'm fine."

Oh. Hm. Actually... you might be having a panic attack?

How hilarious! Your body feels fuzzy and your limbs are numb and your brain is full of fog. Your eyes have been closed for a while now, and as you open them, a wave of dizziness hits you so suddenly that there's a moment where you're convinced you're going to fall from the tree.

You gasp in air you're pretty sure you don't need and cling to the branch. You think about nothing, nothing, nothing other than staying put and not falling.

. . .

By the time your stardust makes it to the King, you're weak and shaky and exhausted, but you're no longer panicking. You don't think you'll be able to climb down from the tree like this... so! You don't! You'll just wait for the reset! Aren't time loops sooooo useful and good! Teehee!

Ha...

...What are you going to do when your stardust gets here?

"It's fine," you mutter to yourself. "It's fine. It'll be fine." There's a twist in your gut. Something between disgust and anticipation. "It's fine. You're normal. You'll be fine."

Maybe if you say it enough, it'll come true.

. . .

Your stardust asks his question. You don't bother tuning in for the answer. But you do vaguely notice the bright, blinding flash of light from the House of Change, and lo' and behold your stardust is dead. You take a deep, pointless breath just as the world shudders and catches–

And you're back at the base of the Favor Tree.

Oh! And you actually feel loads better too! Nice!! You'd forgotten that helpful little feature of the loops. They erase physical inconveniences of your psychological meltdowns! How useful!!!

But you still~ can't escape~ the thoughts~ in your brain~

Your stardust takes a little longer than usual to make their way towards the Favor Tree. When they finally do, you watch him perform the typical routine with the Fighter – they do the joke EVERY time, get the hovering hand EVERY TIME, like some kind of self-inflicted torture. Not that you have any right to complain.

The Fighter heads out. Your stardust approaches you.

You realize why they took a little longer than usual the moment you see what's in their hand.

Oh. Oh. Stars. Hahaha. No. Really? Really??? Something sick and warm twists up through your throat.

"That flower," you say, overbright. "Again?"

Your stardust waves it towards you. Your chest constricts as they smile shyly. "I thought that maybe this time..."

They'd tried offering it a few times near the beginning. Back when the loops were still fresh and he'd been a little less caught up on following his chosen script. You'd rejected and rejected it and you know you need to do it again.

"Give it to someone else," you say.

Their face falls. But they still ask, "Like who?"

"Like..." You look away, hands rubbing at your arms. "Like the Fighter. He'd like anything you'd give him, that sucker."

You know the Fighter is the only one they ever give the flower to anymore. It doesn't escape you that you might sound just a little, itty bit jealous. It's not your fault!!!! You're under a lot of pressure right now!!!! It's not like you can ever accept the–

"Will you ever accept the flower?"

. . .

Ha? You look at your stardust for a long moment. You can't help it. The way his voice had harmonized with your thoughts leaves you feeling tingly. They're watching you, too, and slowly his tired expression melts into something curious and fond. Stars!!! Really!?? Why didn't you just reject him again right away! Why are you both like this!!!

"Okay," he says as if you'd given them an answer. He tucks the flower away into one of his various pockets. "Hi Loop."

They sit down at their spot.

You want to consume him whole. "H-hey, stardust. How can I help you on this wonderful new loop?"

"We can hang out now."

Ah? Oh! You'd forgotten about this! The looping theory! Your looping theory! The theory you had just last loop and you'd forgotten it because you've been too busy thinking about–

You laugh, "Oh...! Our theory hangout! Yes!"

You... need time. A little longer to fix your character. Before you are your stardust are alone, together, for hours.

"But," you say, pushing yourself sharply, brightly. Hand raised and finger pointed. "We can't actually hang out right now. It'd be pretty useless." You force a smile. "So how about you come back here early tomorrow, after you're done acting things out at the Clocktower?"

He blinks in surprise. "You want me to sneak out?"

How scandalous! Like having an affair! You can't help but laugh, and if it comes out just a bit wrong no one but you needs to know. "And spend a loop with me, yes!"

You can see your stardust thinking. They look cute like this, even as they worry about things that don't matter.

...You know he's thinking about his family.

"Does it matter?" you say. "What they think? They'll forget it all in your next loop, after all!"

They hide in the collar of their cloak. "It matters!"

"So you won't do it? You won't come and hang out with little old me?"

You watch them breathe in, and out. Finally... "I'll come, yeah."

"Neat!!!" You clasp your hands together. "...I'll see you soon, then?"

Your stardust nods. And this upcoming deviation in their expected routine must really throw them because they don't ask any more follow up questions. No chats. No touch exposure therapy. Which is... probably for the best, right now. You try not to feel disappointed. You watch him leave, going so far as to give them a preppy little wave, and as soon as they're out of sight you begin clambering up the Favor Tree.

"Loop~," you sing-song to yourself quietly, hands grasping at familiar branches. "What~ are you going~ to do~"

You pass the branch where you'd had your breakdown earlier. Teehee! Silly Loop! Always sooooo dramatic~

Several more branches later, you breach the canopy. The day is bright and sunny, like always. You take a deep breath, like always, and look out at everything, like always.

Dormont. The winding roads that lead to and from it. The blinding House of Change. Familiar familiar familiar.

You usually zone out up here... let yourself lose track of time. Drift. Enjoy the sun until you tune back in enough to realize it had set hours ago and then pretend as if you're enjoying the stars. There's really not much to do when your stardust leaves you. Sometimes you nap, occasionally you focus in on what your stardust is up to. Usually, you just... let the time pass, thoughtlessly. It's restful. It... was restful, for the first dozen or so loops.

It's tiring, now.

"Hey Loop," you say dully to no one. "How can I help you on this wonderful new loop?"

Despite yourself, you plaster on your smile, your act, tilting your head as if looking at someone next you. "I'm having a teensy-weensy little crisis, teehee! I bet you can guess what it is~"

A sigh. "You caught feelings for your stardust, and you're incapable of being normal about it."

"Mhm!!" You straighten and brighten your voice again. "I really, really can't!! It's embarrassing! Mortifying! I think I might have to kill myself!!! Or maybe kill him!! Or both!!!"

"You're being overly dramatic. Again."

"Nope!" You kick your legs, knees brushing against the leaves. "It's gross! I'm gross! I want to kill them, kiss them, crawl into his chest and consume them, maybe in that order! And he's my own blinding stardust! Aren't I just sooooo so so so gross~!" A hand, covering your mouth. "Teehee!"

...The hand drops. "Loop," you say, and you don't think about which role you're reprising here. "Shut up."

"Boo." You roll your eyes. "Sooo helpful~ At least give me something better to work with here."

Fine.

You do.

You... approach the situation as if from an angle. Consider it like you're not involved in the equation. Which is funny. Because in reality it's all you all the way down. But! But! For the sake of this exercise, pchooooo, you're gone.

What's left:

Two nobodies. Who were once the same nobody. Keeping each other company in an impossible, horrific situation. It's... familiar, isn't it? Comforting. Nostalgic? Just like the one story you loved, back when you were a child, and isn't that–

Isn't that...?

. . .

When you were...

. . .

The wind rustles the leaves of the Favor Tree.

"Hm?" You blink, head strangely achy. "Um?"

No one answers you. You're up here, alone. Talking to yourself. You blink again.

You wait, silently, until the headache fades.

So! Haha! Whatever madness had briefly taken over you– made you want to talk out loud like you were both Siffrin and Loop... you don't feel it anymore. You don't feel like talking at all now, actually. You can't really recall how your fake conversation had ended, and that's probably for the best. You chalk it up to a lapse in sanity.

Better get that under control before your stardust arrives~

Ha.

You look down at your hands. Lightless, strange, a few glittering specks of starlight. Inhuman. What does your stardust see in you? You try picturing it. Pretend to look through their eye. Pretend to look in a mirror. What part of any of this has caught his attention?

Maybe nothing. Maybe he actually sees you for the weird, gross construct that you are. Maybe it's just that you're here, available, a point of intrigue in otherwise unchanging monotony. A mechanism to offer words of advice and gentle touches and nothing more.

"Helpful," you mumble, looking at the palms of your hands.

But it's... good, right? That's a good thought. It'd be better, that way, for your stardust. To not be truly attached to you, a non-person. To not be attracted to this body, a twisted reflection of their own. You're just here to help him in the loops.

So... what does it matter, what you feel?

You'll just... mirror them. Meet your stardust where they are. Reflect his actions. It's what you've been doing so far. Be the conversational soundboard. Reciprocate the touch. There's a script. It's easy. Just follow it.

And if your stardust actually does feel something about it, it's fine to reflect those feelings right back.

For some reason, you do not feel relief.

You clasp your hands around your arms. Rub them, a little. It generates no warmth, but... it's soothing. You do this for a while. Time definitely spools away from you, without you really noticing. It's afternoon. Blink. Then evening. Blink. Then night.

Your stardust will be here soon.

Alright Loop, back to the stage.

Chapter 5: Knee

Summary:

"I know how it feels, you know. To be stuck somewhere... With no hope of escape. Forced to relive the exact same events over and over. Taking any deviation as a sign that things are finally going to change. That everything will be okay."

You glance over your shoulder, towards the meadow.

"And finding yourself trapped, still."

You look back. Your stardust is watching you, intent, fixated. Like they're trying to absorb every little piece of you. Your light reflects off them, highlighting his cheeks, his nose, his eye. He looks hungry.

Oh stars... you've been very, very out of character, haven't you?

Notes:

loop hangout loop hangout loop hangout!!!!

so! i am trying to find the right balance between canon dialogue and my own narration/dialogue. a fair amount of this story is a canon rewrite... which isn't something i've really ever done before in any of my other work, so it's been a new and interesting exercise for me! pretty please let me know how i'm doing? and tysm for the feedback on the last chapter! i'm having lots and lots and lots of fun reading the comments :)

okay... off to a chapter where nothing weird or bad happens at all hehe!

It's the wee hours of the morning when your stardust sneaks out to see you.

...It really does feel a bit like a tryst, having them visit you while everyone else is still asleep. You kick your legs, excited despite yourself.

They climb the Favor Tree at your behest.

It's not long after that his head pops free from the uppermost branches, hat askew. Without thinking, you snatch their hat away and give him time to get settled. Your stardust grumbles, picking at leaves in his hair and brushing off his cloak. Then they look at you, brow raised.

He missed a couple leaves in his hair. It's a mess, honestly. Could use a good brush. Your fingers twitch, wanting to reach out and tidy and tug and pull.

Instead, with a flourish, you place the hat back on their head.

If your hands drag away juuuust a little too slowly, that's not your fault. You're both super high up!! It's precarious!! You're just moving carefully!!

"Loop–" your stardust starts to say.

"Isn't it pretty, stardust?" you cut him off, suddenly needing his attention off of you. You turn to face the town, beyond that the House of Change. "We're so high up!"

He doesn't say anything, but out of the corner of your eye you see them turn in the same direction. Oh. Huh. You're on his blind side aren't you? It's... It means nothing, you know that, but still, you'll be a bit more careful with your movements. Respectful of this position of trust.

You take a breath and follow the script. "Thank you for coming to today's Loop hangout! If you hang out with me, it'll take some time, and... Well. You know how this goes."

"I sure do."

You think about telling them a bit of your theory, about what you want to test. About what might make your stardust loop. But... no. No, bad idea. It'd be a bit cruel, wouldn't it? So you won't, not unless they ask outright.

You hunt for another topic. "I, um. I haven't actually prepared anything to talk about. Soooooo..." Classic icebreakers? Yeah, that'd been funny, actually. "Tell me about yourself, stardust!"

You hear a huff of exasperation. "I'd rather not."

"Huuuuuuuuh? Why noooooooot?"

"Don't you already know me?"

Oh? You hum, encouraging them to continue.

Your stardust pokes at the leaves around them. "It just feels like it. You know too much about me. You knew my name, you know how I think..."

Oh, oh... Wait, do they actually mean–

"You knew me before we even met, didn't you?"

Ha. Oops? You... wait, to see if he'll continue. And when he doesn't, you pluck a nearby leaf and fold it, once, twice, pressing it firmly between your thumb and fingers.

"Kind of," you say.

"Do I know you?"

Oh stardust...

You let the folded leaf go, watching it quickly disappear among the branches. You... tell them the truth. A version of it, at least. That they don't know you (of course you know you), that the first time you'd seen each other was under the Favor Tree (and prior to that in every single mirror), that you're helping them because you want to (because you pleaded for help, and help is what you became).

At some point you end up admitting, "I know how it feels, you know. To be stuck somewhere... With no hope of escape. Forced to relive the exact same events over and over. Taking any deviation as a sign that things are finally going to change. That everything will be okay." You glance over your shoulder, towards the meadow. "And finding yourself trapped, still."

You look back. Your stardust is watching you, intent, fixated. Like they're trying to absorb every little piece of you. Your light reflects off them, highlighting his cheeks, his nose, his eye. He looks hungry.

Oh stars... you've been very, very out of character, haven't you?

"Hahaha..." Even your laugh sounds off. Loop! You're supposed to be Loop! "Look at me, talking and talking! Don't pay attention to me. I'm doing fine."

You tear your gaze away from your stardust and look out to the House. Another topic, you think. Another topic–

Your stardust picks one for you: "Tell me about yourself, Loop."

. . .

...Okay it's still a little funny, even the second time. You steal his answer. "I'd rather not, teehee!"

And then, because you're insane, you tilt your head, wink at your stardust, and blow him a kiss.

They laugh, the noise escaping them like he wasn't expecting it. It's startled and happy and genuine. You feel warm.

You both sit in the moment, until your stardust shifts and looks at you head on.

"Hey, um," they say. "I didn't get a chance to ask, earlier. But... could we practice? The touch therapy?"

. . .

You blink. You... really should have expected this. Why hadn't you expected this? Maybe because you're at the top of a blinding tree?

"Y-you said," you stardust continues. "Once per loop."

"I did," you say. You laugh. "Hahaha, okay stardust! Sure! Let's do your touch exposure therapy! Up here at the top of the Favor Tree, where surely nothing will go wrong!"

"Okay?" they say.

The wind rustles the leaves. There's the first hints of dawn on the horizon. Your stardust looks at you, then tilts their head in question. Cute!

...Oh, right! You're supposed to lead these things!

"Ugh. Get over here." You sweep a hand through the leaves and pull back some of the thinner twigs. "If we're going to be doing this over an eighty foot drop, let's at least be comfy, teehee!"

"Oh. Um, okay," he says. Stars, where's the excitement! You watch him cautiously navigate the small gap between you two. You end up having to make a bit of room on your own branch in preparation. It IS precarious up here, and for a moment you're worried the branch won't be able to take both you and your stardust's weight.

"If this breaks and we die," you say as your stardust settles close. "You know we'll have to restart this hangout session, right?"

"You're the one who wanted us up here," they say. And then, "Wait, what happens if you die?"

What a funny question. You don't let yourself think too hard as you wrap an arm around your stardust's waist and pull him against your chest. He startles badly, and the branch sways.

"If I die," you say. "Then I die~ teehee! What kind of question is that?"

"Um," he says. He feels frozen. "Uh. Um."

You laugh a little. Okay Loop, let them get used to the contact. You know the drill at this point. His back is pressed to your chest, and you can feel the little tremors as his muscles tense, then relax, then tense again. You're tense too, but you pretend like you aren't by leaning even more heavily into them.

The stupid hat is in the way.

"Taking this," you say, and you pluck the hat off his head and place it among the leaves next to you. They startle again, elbow knocking into your gut. "Ow, stardust," you grunt. "Watch where you put that."

"S-sorry," they say.

Ugh. You try shifting them a little to the side, but they are sooooo tense. Hm. The words, Loop. Say the words.

"You're here," you tell them. "With me."

Shakily, he replies, "A-and you're also here. With me."

Awww, okay, it's still cute. You giggle. "I sure am!"

You feel them breathe, both against your chest and through the arm wrapped around their waist. You settle in, matching your breaths with theirs. It's... intimate. Warm. Wow. Wow! Look at you, being soooo normal right now, even as you basically cuddle your stardust. Good job, Loop! Well done, Loop!

Eventually, your stardust's tension fades. In its place you feel what you can only describe as trembling twitches.

"Haha, everything okay there, oh trembly one?"

"Mhm," they say, nodding their head jerkily. "I'm t-trying to stop, but I don't know what's wrong."

"Need me to let go?"

"No!" he says, too fast. You don't comment on the note of desperation in their voice. "No, I'm fine. I'll be fine. Haha. C-can we talk about something?"

You tuck your head next to theirs, your light blending with his hair. Your stardust shivers even harder and tries to tilt their head to look at you, but you've put yourself on his blind side, still, again. From your position, you see the shell of their ear, the curve of his cheek, the corner of their mouth. His hair is in your face and there's a leaf tangled among the strands right next to where your nose would be, if you still had one.

"Sure!!" you say, belatedly. Focus, focus, focus. "Let's chat! It's my turn, actually!"

Your stardust hums weakly.

You tighten your hold around his waist and dive headlong into a topic that you know will distract them. "Why don't you tell your little team about the loops you're stuck in?"

They tense again. Before he can answer, you continue:

"You didn't need to tell them before," you say, as if you're genuinely curious. "Because you thought you'd be able to help them with this power... But what about now?"

He stills. "I can still do it by myself."

Hehehe! Funny! You can't help but laugh. Yeah! Yeah! You CAN do it by yourself, can't you? All two of you!

"Okay!" you say brightly.

"A-and," they say, like the thought just occurred to them. "I guess. With you too. We can do it. I don't need their help."

"Awww!" You squeeze them, once. "Gross!"

There is still the odd little shudder that runs through him, but it seems like it's getting better. You find that you've mostly relaxed as well. It's nice, so long as you don't think too deeply on what exactly you're doing.

"Hey, Loop," your stardust says after a few moments. "What you said earlier. About dying. What... what would happen, if you died in these loops?"

This again?? You had said soooo much earlier! Why is he returning to this one, a joke of all things?

You say, "I told you, stardust. I'd die. Then I'd loop back. Why~? Do you have plans for me?"

"You'd loop?"

"Of course I would," you say. "I'm trapped here just like everyone else."

"I know that," they say. "But you also remember things, and you can do stuff, like talk to me in my brain. I've kind of thought of you as... not affected by the loops?"

"Oh, hahaha, no," you giggle. "I'm ve~ry affected, teehee! Probably even more than you!"

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Who knows!!" You kick your legs, rocking both your stardust and the tree branch just a bit. "But stardust, whenever you loop, I return to the bottom of the Favor Tree. And I know that if I die, I'd just come back."

Your stardust wiggles a bit, and you relax your hold on them. He makes just enough room between the two of you to face you. Your arm ends up resting lightly at their hip. His leg knocks into yours. He places a hand on your knee. It's somehow less total physical contact than before and wayyyy more intimate. He's still slightly jittery, but he's ignoring it, so you will, too.

"Have you died," he asks. "During my loops?"

Oooh. Hm. How to answer. His voice was all serious for that, and with such an intense expression! Between that and the hand on your knee, you feel a little overwhelmed!!

"Not during your loops." You wink. "But it would be fun to try, wouldn't it!"

Hahaha okay, what?

Your stardust blinks at you. "What?" he says.

There's that leaf, still stuck in their hair. You don't hold yourself back this time. Your hand teases through darkless strands, gently freeing it. As you do... "I haven't actually died during your loops! Yet! But I know that I can loop back if I do. We should try it out, teehee!"

Your stardust frowns, all pretty and confused. Their gaze flicks from your hand to your face. "We... what?"

"It'd be fun, wouldn't it? Something different!" You're not really sure what you're saying, anymore. You think you might be trying to disgust him? Or maybe you're just rambling your real, actual thoughts with no concern for how absolutely insane they sound. "Think about it, stardust! I'm sure you still have questions about me, about how I work. Wouldn't it be nice to see? I'd even let you do the honors, if you wanted!"

They stare at you. You avoid their gaze, looking instead at the leaf between your fingers. It rips easily when you press your thumb through it. You think about how easily you'd rip open, if you had fingers pressing into you.

You feel tingly.

"You could kill me," you whisper. "However you wanted. I'd let you do it, stardust. I would."

Your stardust swallows, audibly. You don't look at them. You... wonder if they feel ill, listening to you. If the very thought of what you're suggesting makes them sick.

Stars, what have you been saying???

There is something WRONG-wrong with you.

You pull your hands away from them and into your lap. You crush the remains of the leaf in your fist. Reign it in, Loop. Stop being gross. You can play this off, backtrack, make it into a joke, deflect. Pull it together. Be normal. Be normal. Be normal.

For stars' sake just be normal.

You take a breath, straighten your back, and flick your gaze up to your stardust's, and–

"Would you like that?" he says, and oh.

Oh.

His voice. Their face.

Embarrassingly, you think your breath stutters. Your stardust is looking at you with an expression you're not sure you've ever seen before. There's a faint blush across their cheeks, but it's the intensity of his stare and the low, commanding tone that have you shaken.

You forget to speak.

Their hand squeezes your knee. Huh. Huh???

"Would you like it?" they say again. "If I said yes? If I wanted to see exactly how you work... if I killed you, slowly, just to find at which point you'd loop?"

You're trembling, jittery, like he was earlier. It'd be embarrassing if your brain was anything but fuzzy desire.

"Would you like that?" your stardust whispers.

You want. You want. You want. You want you want you want you–

"S-Siffrin," you moan, leaning forwards.

. . .

The sound of that name and your stardust's immediate and utter stillness jolts you back to reality.

Huh?

Wh– Did you just–

OUT LOUD???

You blink at him.

Their eye is as wide as you've ever seen it. Their face is flushed dark. His hand is frozen on your knee.

Oh you DEFINITELY moaned their name out loud.

Hahahaha–

–oh stars. Oh STARS. OH STARS.

Right! You need to disappear! To die! To cease existing! Preferably right now!!!! This is mortifying!!! You nearly throw yourself off the branch, plans for this loop be damned. Hahaha. Falling to your death: quick, easy, somewhat painless, and no strange flirting with your other self needed. Hahahahaha stars~

"So," your stardust says.

No no no no. "Mhm!!"

"You, um..."

You don't want to hear it. You snap a hand over your mouth and teehee. Loudly. It sounds absolutely deranged.

Your stardust gently retrieves their hand. His face seems to be reflecting some degree of embarrassment, but mostly they look... amused? AMUSED?

"Do you want to pretend that never happened?" they ask.

"Hahahaha, yes!!" You clasp your hands together, tightly. You have no idea what your face is doing and– and– you don't want to know. "Nothing happened!!"

A familiar shit-eating smile overtakes his face. Wow, you haven't seen that one in easily two dozen loops. "Boo, that's too bad. Didn't think you'd bemoan this that much."

Betrayal!!!

"I don't know what you're talking about!!" you say loudly. "Because nothing happened!!!!"

"Right," he says.

"And even if something did!" you say. "You'll just forget about it! You're sooooo good at forgetting!!"

"...Right," he says, a little more pained.

Yeah, you're trying to be mean on purpose. Sue you. "And now! You're blocking the view! Your head is just sooooo big, stardust! Massive! Empty! Even without your stupid hat. Get out of my sight, teehee! Your branch is over there!"

You hear them mumble to themselves, "And now they're being mean on purpose."

...They pick up their hat and give you one last considering look before cautiously make their way back to their original spot. Good! Good riddance! Your face feels weirdly overbright and your gut – or whatever is in its place now – is all twisted and achy.

That! Was! Awful!

You refuse to think about it.

It goes silent, for a little bit, except for the rustle of leaves. It's super awkward and you're! Not thinking about it! The sun has breached the horizon. It'd be pretty, if you weren't someone who had seen this exact view dozens and dozens of times in a row. For you it's just... expected! Backdrop. A piece of the stage.

Speaking of the stage... you make yourself glance at the main actor. Drawn here, away, into the audience with you. Eloped. Ha. Haha. Just for one show. Just to see what happens. The other actors will be preparing the enter the spotlight soon. To put on a botched performance without a lead.

They always leave the Clocktower just after dawn.

"So," your stardust says. "What exactly are we doing here again?"

You need to distract him.

"Question!" you say. "Have you really looked at more than a hundred barrels?!" Stars, of all of their stats, you picked that one? You force a giggle and say, "Do you think barrels look that appealing to the eye? Do you have a crush on barrels?"

Your stardust snorts. "Hey," he says. "Don't tell me you're jealous of barrels."

. . .

Hehehe. Hahahaha.

"Just feeling sorry for the pillars, teehee~! Sooo neglected!"

The distraction seems to have worked at least. Your stardust mentions the Death Corridor pillars. You make fun of them getting crushed by a rock. He starts chatting about some of the things he's done in the loops. You have plenty to comment about there. It's nice, and it breaks up the awkwardness, and you maybe forget just a bit to hide that you've done a lot of this yourself, too. Personally. Oops!! Your stardust will probably just assume it's your ability to see through their eye or something like that. Teehee!

It's... you really end up enjoying it. The conversation. The time spent with your stardust. And maybe it's just your stupid crush, but it just feels... natural. Talking to him. Talking to yourself.

You realize, later, that the sun has risen high above you in the sky.

. . .

"Ah," you remark, with more than a little regret. "It'll happen soon, now."

Your stardust looks at you. "What will?"

Right! Well! No use hiding it now. "The theory-crafting part of our hangout session, of course."

He's confused. You can see that easily. You wonder if you'll have to explain it to him before it happens, but then–

Somehow, the timing is just perfect.

You feel the attack. And then, of course, you see it. A bright, familiar light bursts from the top floor of the House of Change. Stars, what a sight.

(Faintly, like always, you see the briefest glimpse of the future. A room of mirrors, reflecting you back on yourself a thousand-fold. Loop. Siffrin. Loop. Siffrin. Loop.)

You feel cold.

"I'm glad you decided to spend some time with me, stardust." You look at them, this reflection of yourself. "Sorry it's going to end with this."

Your stardust is hunched over. They must have felt it too. Their gaze is transfixed on the House. At the fading light of the King's first attack. Does he even know what that was? They've never experienced it from here, after all.

"I thought maybe it wouldn't happen," you say. "But... that light. I see it every time you get far enough to fight the King. His first attack."

Your stardust starts shaking.

He still sees them as people, doesn't he? Those actors he calls family. It's sad. It's so so very like you. Greedy and obsessive and desperate to think of their love as real.

It's good, though. Right now, your stardust cares about them. Otherwise your test might have fallen apart.

Has he figured it out?

"...I can feel it, every time." You watch, waiting for the moment. Waiting for the loop. The party's all dead... or– or maybe they aren't, maybe the Housemaiden thought to shield herself, even without your stardust there... It doesn't matter. They're either dead or your stardust thinks they're dead, that's as good as the real thing for you. "Whatever the King does, it makes you see something, doesn't it? Something awful."

You wait. You feel the air turn to syrup.

"...Stars," you muse gently. "I wonder who he attacked."

Your stardust keens, an awful, whining cry. The air thickens and slows and it's still not quite enough. They turn to you, eye wide and haunted and beautiful and betrayed.

You just... look at them.

And wait. You wait. And you can taste something sweet now, despite having no mouth. You wait. And wonder...

Have they figured it out?

Your stardust shakes and breaks apart slowly and it's captivating and this will ruin whatever it is you two have and you wait and wonder again if they've figured it out so you say, softly, "Did you?"

He grips his head tightly in his hands and then he...

Starts...

Screaming.

. . .

He loops back moments later.

Chapter 6: Dagger

Summary:

You don't want to climb the Favor Tree again, so you trek to the grass behind it and lay down. Same grass. Same speckled light. Same light breeze.

Oh Loop, you poor, wretched thing.

Notes:

hi hi. i am fighting for my life against a chapter a few counts beyond this one, so i am finding it difficult to summarize my thoughts about this one. um. have fun? be safe out there? trust me that it will all be okay?

thank you for the comments on the last chapter btw! lots of interesting responses hehe. i am having fun. please lemme know your thoughts on this one too :) (< smile of joyous and friendly thoughts)

So, you were right.

Your stardust CAN loop back when they think it's over. It doesn't HAVE to be a death, an end, it just... needs to feel like one. Which means...

Which means the same would've applied to you. Back when it was your loops. You just never figured it out.

And you never WOULD have figured it out without your stardust to help. It's sickening and ironic and tragic and you hate it. You hate you were right.

Your stardust is half-collapsed at the base of the Favor Tree. You... are back at your spot. Seated, legs crossed. You don't say anything.

He is so, so mad at you.

You've never seen him this angry. This betrayed. He has his dagger out. Pointed at you. Like they truly wanted to kill you, completely devoid of the stupid fun reasons you'd both flirted about before.

You tell them to breathe.

. . .

Somehow, he calms down enough for you to have a conversation. You... explain your reasoning to them. Why you wanted to test this. And you refuse to apologize. You were right, after all!! You both NEED to know all you can about these loops. About what makes your stardust loop.

"I wasn't lying," you admit, in a moment of weakness. "When I said I wanted to spend time with you."

Your stardust doesn't seem to care. His face is blank and vacant.

You aren't sorry. You're not. You're not you're not you–

You...

You both need some time.

It's forced and fake, but you smile and clasp your hands together and say, "Come back next loop, stardust!"

. . .

He doesn't.

. . .

It gives you time to think. You don't want to climb the Favor Tree again, so you trek to the grass behind it and lay down. Same grass. Same speckled light. Same light breeze.

Oh Loop, you poor, wretched thing.

You breathe, because it's something you still do, instinctively. Then you try not breathing, because it's better to do that than think about what it might mean if the loops are tied to your stardust's perception of 'an end'. You keep not breathing, because there's no pain, no suffocating feeling, and hahaha wow guess you really DON'T need to breathe anymore and! Isn't that! Just great! So very normal! So extremely human of you, Loop!

The loop ends. Another starts. You're back under the Favor Tree, but it's already the second day and your stardust isn't going to visit you this time either. Looped straight to the second floor, do not pass Go, do not collect two-hundred dollars.

You spin around, stand, walk to the grassy spot, lay down. You don't breathe. You don't think. You just... let the time pass.

. . .

It's after the fourth time you do this that your mind wakes up enough to clue you in to the fact that 1) these loops are short, compared to what your stardust had been doing before, and 2) wow he's behaving erratically, isn't he?

You take your first breath in hours.

"Stardust," you mumble, "what are you trying to do?"

Too much, would be your guess. You zone in on their current position and catch the Fighter and Housemaiden reading some kind of newspaper clipping in a messy room on the first floor. Your stardust seems to be barely listening, going through the motions as he says something about patterns, opens a nearby closet, and pokes at a bed. Ah. That last one had an item, didn't it. Your stardust ignores the way the world briefly glitches and resets, but you see the Researcher take notice.

Minutes later, you watch them smile at their party and freeze themselves on a tear.

They skip to the end. You skip to your spot beneath the Favor Tree.

You don't bother moving, this time.

They ask the King where he's from – are asked, in return, the same thing. They have no answer, and neither do you. Your stardust dies in a flash of light and you briefly witness a future reflected back upon itself like a twisted kaleidoscope and then– you're back. Your stardust is back too, on the third floor.

It goes like this, for loops.

A dead end. Tear, loop.

A pointless book. Tear, loop.

A visit to the observatory. Tear, loop.

A visit to the King. A question. A flash of light, loop.

A dead end, again, to read a poem about an orange. Tear, loop.

A few rooms, poking at books and coming up with nothing. Another visit to the King. Another visit to the observatory. A whole loop spent slowly drifting through the first floor, looking lost and in a daze.

You also catch yourself drifting in a daze, lost to the passive observation of it all. You feel like a non-entity. A prop. Forgotten. Your body is this foreign, unmoving thing.

Your stardust dies twenty-one times with no break and no full reset. You're sure his body is starting to feel like a foreign thing, too.

Altogether, it hasn't really been all that many loops, not compared to his current total. Not compared to what you yourself got up to before you stopped counting. But even so... you're starting to recognize your behavior in them. The you of your later loops. Obsessive. Relentless. Grim. And as always, forgetful.

You wonder if you will ever start recognizing Loop in them.

They forget the key in the Head Housemaiden's office on their way to the library. You watch him dive for a tear with an ugly kind of desperation. They return again, and this time their trip to the library results in a diary, a passage about an island that no one can remember, and a failed attempt at recalling its name...

Your head hurts.

He dies again to a tear, and loops directly to the King.

He must be missing something, because he asks all the same questions and gets all the same answers. And then, like you never could, they easily defeat the King and make it to the end.

You hate him, you think. There's an acidic sensation growing in your chest and you imagine it burning away at your sick infatuation and leaving just the ashes of hate.

The Researcher interrupts the Fighter's confession.

You can't help but laugh. Spiteful and mean. It's the first noise you've made in what might be days.

It will never happen, will it? Any of their goals, any of yours. Like forbidden by time itself. You laugh, and your stardust talks to the Head Housemaiden, all it all resets back to the start.

. . .

They're in Dormont, again, finally. The first time since your hangout session. Since he left and just... stopped returning.

The acidic feeling flourishes, climbing up your throat, dripping down your shoulders.

You wrap your arms around yourself, wrap Loop around your mind, like a cloak, like a coffin, like the armor the King wears. You claw back the act, just in case. Your fingers dig into your biceps and you straighten your back and you ignore the Fighter and– and– and–

And when your stardust rounds the corner, you nearly tear into your own blinding skin with how hard your grip your arms. Okay. Okay, Loop. It's fine. You're fine. You're normal. Just be normal.

One tree-mendous tree later, your stardust creeps into the shadow of the Favor Tree's canopy.

"Hi, stardust!" you say, and the acid burns, burns, burns. Should you comment on how long they've been avoiding you? No. No. Don't be stupid. Be normal. Make conversation. "Say, you've looped back a lot using tears, haven't you? Was it on purpose, or did you trip into them?"

There was guilt, on your stardust's face, moments before you spoke. But now they give you a tired grin like everything is fine and say, "I'm just clumsy, teehee."

That sounded a lot like... "You sure are, teehee!"

He looks like he's about to say something else, but you don't want to hear it. You fill the space with meaningless words.

"I suppose it's useful!" you mock. "It's a fast way to loop back." A laugh, paired with a teasing, spiteful voice. "Isn't it tiring though, having to walk back to find one? Are you tired? Are you annoyed yet???"

He squints at you. You've got him irritated. Good. Good! You're irritated too!!

You can tell they think you're doing this on purpose.

"Not on purpose!" You clasp your hands together. "Just trying to make conversation!"

A grumble, and words so faint they were probably not meant for you to hear– "The tears ARE annoying..."

"Right???" you say with blatantly fake empathy. "Well, there's no faster way, and it's either this or die in a fight, so I'd say the tears are better."

He dies in fights more often than you'd like. Enters them and just... purposely gets hit. It's such a painful way to go, and so inefficient, but they let it happen like they sometimes forget the tears are an option.

"I do have a dagger," he says.

"Haha, you sure do!"

He keeps quiet at that. Contemplative.

. . .

Wait.

"What do you mean, 'I do have a dagger'...?"

Your stardust looks at you, then tilts his head as if so say, 'come on, Loop, you're not that stupid'.

The acidic feeling abruptly turns to ice. You brace your hands against the tree's root and lean forward. "Stardust, are you serious? You want to stab yourself and die so you can loop back?" Oh, and now you're standing. "You shouldn't! Stabbing yourself isn't as easy as touching a tear, you know! It'll hurt! A lot!!!"

And– And!!! You realize pain maybe isn't the best deterrent here!!! But this is not at all what you were expecting or prepared for and maybe you're kind of off-kilter and you don't want him to do this and–

Your stardust looks away. "That's fine..."

No, no, no– "Stardust, I don't want you to!!!" You're looming over him, now. Your voice is far, far from Loop but you don't care. "Listen to me and don't even think about it, for Universe's sake!!!

He squints up at you, frustrated. "And who are you to tell me what to do?!"

What is happening here? How did this get to this point? Why are you here ARGUING with yourself about the most efficient method for suicide!! You're supposed to be helping them–

"Stardust, don't–"

<<<<

What–

What was...?

AH.

Stars, your HEAD–

<<<<

Something is wrong something is wrong something is wrong wrong wrong wrong–

[YOU CAN NOW USE YOUR DAGGER TO LOOP BACK WHENEVER YOU WANT.]

Stop it stop it stop it stop it–

[YOU CAN DO SO BY GOING INTO YOUR POCKETS, AND USING YOUR DAGGER, IN BATTLE OR ELSEWHERE.]

Stardust Siffrin please stop it please please please–

[DOING SO WILL IMMEDIATELY END A LOOP, ALLOWING YOU TO LOOP BACK WHENEVER YOU PLEASE.]

<<<<

. . .

Hah.

Ah. Aah.

You...

You feel... sick. Hollowed out. Used. You know, instinctively, at a level beyond memory, that the Universe just made it so that your stardust can loop with their dagger. Codified it into the world. Used your body to do it. But the exact mechanics of what just happened escapes you at the moment. Your mind feels a bit like an open wound.

You're sure you'll always remember this.

You shudder and grasp your own arms and sink back to your seat. You refuse to look at your stardust.

"Loop..."

He's standing now, hands partially raised, like he'd been thinking of touching you. You don't look at him. You don't look at his face. You don't know if they're scared or disgusted or intrigued or anything else. You don't want to know.

You don't want him to see you.

"You should probably go now," you say, blankly. "I'd rather not see your face again this loop."

You wonder, for a moment, if they'll try and stay. But no. Haha. That'd be silly. Your stardust flees from you like the gross, inhuman thing that you are.

. . .

Good.

It's better that way.

Chapter 7: Jaw

Summary:

You want to be mean. Just a little. You told them you weren't mad, before, but you kind of are. A lot has happened!!! There is a lot to be mad about!!

"You're such a cutie! Listen, stardust, if you want your Touch Exposure Therapy this loop, you're going to have to do it my way."

"What does that mean?"

"It means you do exactly what I say!"

Notes:

this story started as just me writing little touch interaction scenes between loop and siffrin, purely for self-indulgence, with no real plan to post things... but now there's like. substance. heft. significant introspection. is this a character-study? will this actually have character development? how did this happen.

anyways. the problem chapter (c9) is now officially drafted and i am definitely not wrapping this up in 10 chapters so uh. chapter count increase. wuh oh.

the last half of this chapter might be some of my favorite stuff yet. please let me know what you think hehe :)))

You go back to being a prop. Unmoving, at the base of the Favor Tree.

It's pathetic. You feel flimsy and weak and fake. You think about dolls, puppets... about strings tied around your wrists.

There's a word for those kinds of puppets. The ones that dangle on strings or wires. You used to know it. There was a town you passed through years ago that put on a show. Painted wooden dolls with limbs controlled by strings. You used to know what they were called, and now you don't, and now you're one of them.

Teehee! You'll never have control of anything, will you? Your past, your future, your stardust, your own blinding self. None of it is truly yours.

You rub your arms, just to prove that you can.

How long has it been, since someone touched you? A few days? Twenty-odd loops? You were fine, before. You'd been used to it. It had been so rare in your loops. And then with your stardust, it had just been... nothing, until the touch exposure therapy. And now– and now–

You were supposed to be better than this!!! Loop was supposed to be better!! More experienced~! A guide to your stardust. But noooo~! You're back to being needy and pathetic and disgusting. If only someone would touch you, you think!! If only someone would talk to you, touch you, cut you open, show you that you are real.

Hahaha! Disgusting, pathetic, pitiful.

Your stardust, ever the sweetheart, gives you more than enough time to pull yourself together before they inevitably loop. They spend the night at the Clocktower and you spend the hours under the Favor Tree, trying to convince yourself your limbs are your own.

In the morning, you watch them all enter the House. And then, at the very first Sadness... your stardust...

Well.

. . .

You watch your stardust lose his mind at the first Sadness in the House. He jumps at it like an animal. Tears at it with his dagger. He's inefficient and wild and it takes dozens of hits to kill when it would usually only take two.

They smile at its death, joyous and unhinged.

You know you don't need to breathe, but the entire thing leaves you breathless. Your chest feels tight, your limbs are tingly.

He's still pretty, even like this.

And then your stardust catches sight of their party, cowering and scared, and as the world glitches and time loops back you think for a moment that they must have... that they had turned their dagger on themselves.

But no, they only loop back a little. A small reset. Reversing a scene that should never have happened. Driven by high emotions instead of quick hands.

You wait, dreading how your stardust will choose to proceed. Whether the idea of that dagger is burning a hole in their mind.

When he will decide that this is all taking just a little...

Too.

Much.

Time.

. . .

You forget about Death Corridor.

He forgets the switch.

The rock trap turns your stardust into a bloody smear on the ground and you feel better. They deserved that. You laugh meanly as the world catches and stutters and resets.

. . .

He wakes up in Dormont.

Oh. Oh! They're back. Time to be Loop. Time to be normal. Put that wallowing and pathetic-ness on hold, teehee. So what if he took the dagger! So what if the Universe poured itself into you to facilitate your stardust's suicidal desires! So what if you're this fake, hollow thing! So what if despite it all you still think your stardust is pretty. It only matters if you let it matter, so! You won't! It doesn't matter!! Not anymore!!!

You're ready.

Your stardust rounds the corner and skips the joke with the Fighter. Huh! That's interesting... they almost never do that. You catch yourself staring at him as the Fighter heads out. They're a little shaky, eye wilder than usual. You tilt your head as they approach the trunk of the Favor Tree, slowly, like they're expecting you to turn them away again.

Oh yes, you did outright tell him you didn't want to see him last loop. But! New loop! New you! Teehee!

"Aw," you croon, breaking the cautious silence. "I can't stay mad at you, you little cutie!"

They sit heavily. You'd say it was with relief if you weren't certain it was exhaustion. He's practically trembling.

"Look at you, stardust! So stupid, so lost. So willing to stab yourself for things to go slightly quicker." You smile, serenely. "Just so you know, being forced to tell you how to kill yourself? Not the best way for me to spend my day."

You're not sure why you added that last bit. It's a little too much honesty for Loop. There's a tight knot in the base of your throat and you kind of want to yell at them.

But instead, you wait.

He hides from your gaze. "I shouldn't have said it".

No, they shouldn't have. But the Universe thinks otherwise.

At your continued silence, he looks up. You're not sure what to make of his expression. Serious? Maybe a little scared. "Can I take it back?"

. . .

Really?

You wait... for something to grab your limbs, to force you to deliver a Universe-approved answer.

Nothing happens.

"...Sure," you say. "If you want to. Do you want to?" Wait. Maybe the Universe is giving you a chance to say the right thing. Stupid. Stupid Loop. Don't mess this up. "Ah, as upset as I am, this IS a useful skill to have, you know. It'll only get easier and faster, too. Anything that makes a loop end slightly quicker."

There. You've done your job. You've said your lines. Are you happy, Universe?

Your stardust ducks his head and says, "I don't want to be able to do that anymore."

Oh.

Oh! That's... good? That's good! He doesn't want to be able to kill himself with his dagger! Yay...? So then...

For a moment, you're not exactly sure what to do next.

The Universe did something. Made it a Rule. And you can also do things. Like Call Loop, Ask the King, and most recently Touch Exposure Therapy. Just do that again. Or, uh, reverse it?

You... try.

"...Okay!" you hear yourself say. "Then, uh... pchooooo~!!" You wave your hand for good measure. Did that... do anything? You pretend as if it did. "There."

And, huh! Wow! Your stardust looks genuinely relieved. There had been a tightness to the way he was holding himself that you hadn't noticed until you see how he relaxes. They even give you a smile. Awww, adorable!

You almost miss what he says next.

"What happened to you, back then?"

Ah. Hm. Deflect? Or... say just enough to appease them. Yeah, try that one.

"Oh, you know," you say. "Universe stuff. I can help you out, stardust, but..." As you've now learned– "Helping you out comes with certain rules. But I asked to be here. So it's fine."

He doesn't look convinced. Boo. Well, back to deflection!

"...Anyway, stardust!" you say brightly. So, so bright. Loop is fine, see! "How can I help you on this wonderful new loop!"

He takes a deep breath, in and out. You kind of want to breathe with him. Eugh. Gross.

"I don't know what to do next," he mumbles. "Or maybe it's just... I have questions."

"Well!" you say. "You've been doing so many different things! What do you need help with?"

They take another deep breath and look at the ground. "I don't know. Bonnie was looking at a weird book, Odile seems suspicious of me, Isabeau keeps trying to... um. Ignore that last one. I– I'm also seeing myself? In the House? And I don't know what to do with the King."

Chatty!!! Wow!!!

"I know I said you were doing so many different things, stardust, but I didn't expect you to just start listing them all to me!!!" You tap your chin with a pointed finger. "Where to start, hm! How about that thing the Fighter said he'd tell you–

"N-not that one!" your stardust interrupts. Interrupts!!! Who even is this person!? "What about the um. The ghosts."

"The ghosts," you repeat.

He hides in his cloak. "I mean, when I see myself. Walking around."

... Hehehe, funny! If only they knew! You hide your mouth behind your hand and fake shock. "Yourself...? Like how?"

"Like, in the hallways. Sometimes there would just be this... copy of me. Almost like a ghost."

Okay, that IS a little creepy. "Could you... talk to them?"

"No," your stardust says. "They would always fade when I got too close."

"So, just an image?" You hum, thoughtfully. "An image of yourself, walking around the House..."

He nods his head.

"Maybe they're... Reflections?" Or maybe they're hallucinations. You're pretty sure you never saw any copies of yourself until this one right here in front of you. "Remnants of your past loops? I wouldn't know."

"Could it be a Sadness?"

"Ha!" You can't help but laugh. "You see a copy of you walking around, and you assume it's a Sadness?"

Your stardust shrinks, face all but swallowed up by their cloak. It's cute, in a sad abandoned dog kind of way.

"Are you sad, stardust?" you tease.

Oh. He flinched. That was maybe... a little too direct. What if he answered? What if they said yes? Would you comfort them? Or make even more fun of them? Was it mean, to say that? Wait. Why do you care?

Eugh, Loop, pull it together.

"I'm gonna go ahead and say they're linked to your loops." You wave a hand, as if dismissing the topic. "If they are, you might see them more and more. Let me know if you do, okay?"

A mumbled response. You think it was probably a yes.

"So, anything else?" you ask. "It's really been soooo long since we've had a good chat."

"I guess... can we... talk about something?"

"Sure. What do you want to talk about?"

They spend a long moment just looking at the base of the Favor Tree. You don't think he's really seeing it. It's a toss up between whether he's trying to psych himself up for something or if he's inadvertently zoned out. Just as you're about to call him out on the latter, he turns to you.

"What's the difference between looping with a tear, and looping because of my dagger?"

"Oh!" You blink, startled. Are they... truly confused about the difference? You're still kind of mad about it, but... "Yes, I suppose I got a little upset back then."

They keep looking at you, waiting. Ugh. Fine. You'll spell it out for him. The things you do. Soooo helpful!

"It just feels like a slippery slope to me," you say. "I know there's no real difference. Freezing yourself in time is still knowingly ending your life for the purpose of looping back. But... With your own dagger, in such a brutal way..."

He flinches, again. Right. Brutal. That would be a good word to describe the way your stardust had utterly decimated the first Sadness in the House this past loop. Brutalized it with his dagger. If he'd then turned that same implement on his own body...

"You begin to see your own body as unimportant." You lean towards him, intent. "Disposable. Freezing yourself in time isn't that different, but at least your body is kept intact... And there's already so little you can keep, when you're looping through time like this."

You remember your loops. You think of your body. The one that your stardust has, now. It doesn't bother you, that he has it. It suits him. But... you do miss it. What have you kept of yourself? Not your possessions. Not your name. Not your body. A single silver coin and... what? Your memories? Ha, no! You don't really get to keep those either, do you?

"Your possessions aren't yours." Your voice is all wrong. A register that is also no longer yours. "Whatever events happen to you aren't yours. All that's left is you. And..."

. . .

Wow, haha! That's quite the look from your stardust. You sure do have their FULL attention, huh.

"I-I'm just glad," you say, pitch tossed back up into a higher tone. "That didn't go through with it, that's all!"

Your stardust nods. You don't like that they are giving you such a knowing gaze. Making assumptions about you in their brain. Thinking they've figured things out. You toss them your fakest grin and straighten your back.

"Anyways!" you say. "Anything ELSE that I can help you with this loop?"

He smiles at you tiredly and asks, "Touch therapy?"

UGH.

So, your stardust is dipping into just about all conversation topics this loop, isn't he? Greedy! And yes, sure, your non-heart is buzzing quicker than before and maybe you're just a little bit excited, but stars, you're not going to let them know that.

"Wow stardust! Are you trying to exhaust every single one of my dialogue options this loop?

He raises a brow, confused.

"Or," you say, finger raised. "Are you just trying to make up for all those loops you ignored me? You're so silly, teehee!"

Your stardust... avoids your gaze. Haha! Got him!!!

"You are, aren't you?" You smile and kick your legs. "Good! You SHOULD feel guilty!! I don't like that you've been taking me for granted."

You want to be mean. Just a little. You told them you weren't mad, before, but you kind of are. A lot has happened!!! There is a lot to be mad about!!

Your stardust has hidden away under the brim of his hat and you hear him mumble a quiet, "Sorry."

"Aww," you say. "You're such a cutie! Listen, stardust, if you want your Touch Exposure Therapy this loop, you're going to have to do it my way."

He peers at you, hesitantly. "What does that mean?"

"It means you do exactly what I say!"

"... Okay?"

"Okay!" You clap your hands. Good! You don't really have a plan, but... you'll think of something. You feel giddy at this sensation of control. "Stand up, stardust~"

They stand up.

"Now," you say. "Kneel."

He blinks. "What?"

You chuckle from behind your hand. "Kneel, stardust. Right there in the dirt. I know you can do it!"

He stares at you, eye wide. You're not sure he'll follow through, you're not even sure what you're doing, but then... you watch in fascination as he cautiously lowers himself to one knee, and then the other.

Oh, you LIKE this.

You stop kicking your legs. Holding yourself still, you say, brightly, "Now come over here. Still on your knees."

"Loop," they say.

"Shh," you interrupt. You pat the root next to your thigh. "Here, stardust. It's not far."

Their face has darkened with a deep blush. Their eye flits from your hand to your lap to your face. You can see worry there, and something else a little more curious. Their caution wins out though, and they don't move.

"Hmm, did you lie to me?" you ask with false hurt. "Do you not want to practice your touch therapy?"

"N-no," he stutters. "It's just–"

"Or do you not trust me?" you croon.

"I do," they say, and the speed of their reply almost startles you out of your current act. "I just– um– want to know what, uh, exactly..."

"Awww!" you laugh as they trail off. "You're too cute, stardust! You worry too much! I'd never do anything that you wouldn't also want."

You'd know what you want, after all, wouldn't you.

He fidgets. They're so close to you, just a foot and a half more and they'd be at your feet. Even now, you could reach out and close the distance. But you've committed yourself to this idea, and there's something so intoxicating about making them act on your commands.

"Come here," you say. "I won't ask again~"

Your stardust stares at you for a long moment. They're so pretty like this, all awkward and uncertain and flushed. When they finally move, it's with this small shuffling motion. One knee, then the other, repeat. Then they are at your feet.

He holds himself carefully, cloak barely brushing your shins. He's just about at eye level with you, like this. You, sitting on the tree's root. Them, kneeling right in front of you. You can see the tension in his jaw and the fixed stare of his eye.

"Relax, stardust," you murmur, leaning forwards. "I'm not going to bite..."

You reach out a hand, slowly, and caress the side of his face. He flinches, almost rips himself away from your touch, but then holds himself painfully, achingly still. You brush your hand down his cheek, then back up again, tucking some of his hair behind his ear. Their eye is wide and he is so, so tense under your ministrations.

"Relax," you say again. "Rest. I promise I'll take care of you."

You ghost your hand down to their shoulder and press gently, encouraging them to sit down. They blink, dazed, but follow your directions. After a moment's consideration, you grab the brim of his hat and remove it, placing it on the root next to you. Your hand itches to return to your stardust, but you want to make a show of it. To tease. To draw in. To control.

A single finger, under his chin. They stare at you like you're the only thing in their world.

"You're here," you say softly. "With me."

You feel them tremble and swallow. His lashes flutter. It takes him a moment, but he finally whispers, "And you're also here, with me."

The two of you... together. You, here, with yourself. It doesn't hold the same humor as when you first said it. This time, the thought makes you burn.

"I sure am," you murmur, and your stardust closes his eye.

Stars. Stars! He really does trust you. You soak in everything you can about this moment – how their throat bobs, the way your light reflects off his cheeks, the slight part of his lips.

You drag your hand along your stardust's jaw until you reach the back of his neck. You hear them make a soft noise in the base of their throat, but they don't open their eye. You feel him shiver.

"I know you're tired," you say as you pull them gently towards you. "Going all this time without any breaks. I know you don't sleep at the Clocktower anymore, stardust. You must be so, so tired."

You guide him to lean against your shins, to rest his head on your lap. They let you manipulate them like crafting clay. Warm and soft and pliant. His hair spills over your thighs, his breaths ghost shakily against your knees. The only deliberate motion he makes is to curl an arm around one of your legs, an echo of a hug.

You are burning up. Your chest feels like it's full of crackling flames. You slide your hand through your stardust's hair and scratch gently at his scalp and they melt against you, breath hitching.

You love it. It's addictive. They are yours, yours, yours. Your stardust, with your face, your body, yours to touch, yours to tease, yours to have in whatever way you want them.

Hehehe. Hahaaa.

Maybe it's true you hadn't kept anything of yours from your loops. You lost your possessions, your party, your name, your body, your mind, but... here and now, you have your stardust.

They are yours.

They are yours.

Chapter 8: Hair

Summary:

"Awww, sleepy stardust," you coo. "Come on, you cutie. It's time for your next scene."

Notes:

i'm worried :)

there will be chapter end-notes for follow-on thoughts from yours truly. also, there are some new tags for the story. (also also, new custom work skin. not needed to read, but it does elevate a certain experience in this chapter.)

more joyously: WOW! you guys are really really awesome! thank you for the comments last chapter! there was even some art shared with me from a super cool person (thank you again! you're the best!!!)

i really do hope you all enjoy this one! it's fun!!

EDIT: seeing a couple people mention a possible M rating requirement due to this chapter. given this is as explicit as things will ever get, i've added an additional tag instead of changing the full story rating. and for new readers who want to skip anything of the sort –> the moment the custom styles kick in scroll-scroll until the end of the block. thank you for the feedback!

Your stardust falls asleep on you.

You card your fingers through his hair for what must be a few hours. The afternoon lengthens. The sun drops low on the horizon. Your stardust sleeps, and it's real, actual sleep instead of the mockery of slumber he's been getting at the Clocktower.

You feel giddy and warm. You untangle some knots in their hair, scratch gently at their scalp, dip your hand under the collar of his cloak and rub up and down the ridges of his spine. You spend minutes with the pads of your fingers pressed against the slow pulse under his jaw.

Yours, yours, yours.

There's a small, atrophied part of your mind that wails at how creepy you're being. Reaching under your stardust's clothes, touching him in vulnerable places, all while he's unconscious and unconsenting? You retort by throwing even creepier ideas back at yourself. Like lowering them to the ground, sliding down with them, on top of him, hands dragging over his front, finding what would make him shiver, what would make him wake.

Your gut twists and your mind burns and at some point in the past minute you've curled overtop of your stardust in a weird pseudo-embrace. Your hands are clasped, arms circled loosely around their back, your chest is practically pressed against his head. You've trapped them. Folded them into you.

Ah. Ah. Hah. Stars.

You want them.

You unclasp your hands and press your palms into your face. Your actual face, the thing that's a starburst of light and not one that belongs to your stardust. You breathe, and breathe, even though you don't need to, and as you do you push your hands into your light until all you feel is this buzzing static eating away at your skin.

You're gross. You're gross. You're so gross.

You straighten up, tilt your head back, and stare blankly through your fingers at the darkened canopy of the Favor Tree.

You don't know what's wrong with you.

It can't be sexual... and– and, it's barely even romantic. You just want them. In sick and impossible ways. You want to kiss them, to slip your fingers in their mouth and tear out his tongue. You want to caress his face and slide your thumb under his eyepatch and into the empty socket beneath. You want them to drag their dagger over your ribs and slither their hands into the wounds and find the thing that buzzes in your chest in place of your heart.

You want him to tear you apart. You want to eat them whole.

Sick. Disgusting. Perverted.

There's a part of your mind that fears every loop you're inching closer to some kind of point of no return.

There's another part that's certain you've long since passed it.

. . .

Pull it together, Loop.

You wait until your hands are no longer shaking, no longer feel like numb static, before you gently return them to your stardust's hair. It's been hours. The afternoon is gone. He'll have to get to the Clocktower soon if they want to get a proper loop out of this.

It's okay. It's fine. You can pretend to be normal for him. For yourself. Ha.

You hum, a few tuneless notes, and card your hands through his hair.

"Stardust," you intone softly.

Nothing but gentle breaths and lax muscles.

"Stardust," you say again. And then, lower, "Siffrin."

A sleepy hum.

"Siffrin." You drag your hand along their hairline. "It's time to wake up."

You feel him start to tense as sleep leaves him. Their head pushes into your hand, like they're chasing the feeling of your touch. You reward them with another pass through their hair.

He makes a sleepy, pleased sound.

You smile, genuinely charmed. "Stardust, wakey wakey~"

"Ermrmugrgh..."

Cute!!! You scratch the base of his head, and they arch into it like a cat. A full-body press against your shins, a breathy whine in the back of their throat. You feel so, so warm.

"Awww, sleepy stardust," you coo. "Come on, you cutie. It's time for your next scene."

You can feel him wake fully. The lazy tension in his muscles becomes taught with consciousness. Their hand comes up to rub at their face, and their other slips out from around around your leg. You slide your own hands from their hair and give them the room to sit up.

"Loop...?"

"Heya stardust," you say, starting to dial the brightness back up in your voice. You smile, all eyes. "You look rested!"

He looks a little disheveled, honestly. There's hair plastered against his cheek from where it'd been trapped between his face and your thigh. The rest of his head is floofier than normal thanks to your ministrations. His cheeks are dusted with blush and there's a bit of dried spit near his lips where he must have drooled in his sleep. You tell yourself that's gross but you can't help but want to wipe your thumb across it.

"Um, h-hi." Your stardust blinks at you. "What, um. What time is it?"

"It's time for you–" You boop him on the nose. "–to get back in character, teehee!"

Their face scrunches up. They bat your hand away. Then they take a moment to press both their hands against their face.

"I can't believe I fell asleep," he mumbles.

"You needed it!" You laugh, letting him have this moment. "Don't worry~ You only snored a little!"

They drag their hands down their face and then tilt head back to look at the canopy through their fingers. You hear him groan a little in exasperation and likely embarrassment. He's still seated at your feet.

You can't help but notice how he's unknowingly mirrored your actions from a few minutes ago. Hands on face, head tilted back, peering at the canopy. It's for different reasons, obviously, but the echo of it captivates you.

You give him a kick.

"Up and at 'em, stardust!" you say. "Unless you're vying for another Loop Hangout~"

"No no," he grumbles. "No. This has been more than enough."

Kick. Kick. "Then get up!"

They get up. You hand them their hat. They spend a few moments fussing with their hair and clothes, and then they give you a look that is both awkward and grateful.

"Thank you," he says.

Ew, genuine thanks. You'd usually say as much, but... "You're welcome, stardust." And then, because it's funny, you smirk from behind your hand. "You're also welcome to sleep with me anytime you need~"

He immediately flushes. "Wording, Loop."

"I meant what I meant, teehee!"

... Hm!

Huh?

And what DID you mean by that?

Intrusively, you imagine your stardust arriving one loop and asking to sleep with you. LIKE THAT.

. . . !!!

Hahaha you actually DON'T think that!! At all!!!!!!

You blink and keep a smile fixed on your face.

A-anyways! Your stardust seems taken aback. Their eye is wide and his head is tilted like he's trying to peer through you and discover all your secrets. You simply do all in your power to give him nothing but your best teehee-smile. Whatever could Loop be thinking here, haha! No one knows~

You see the moment he decides to take it as a joke. His shoulders relax, a smarmy grin creeps up his face. "Well," they say with a raised brow. "What a dreamy offer. But I'll have to sleep on it before I make any decisions."

You snort. "Weak!"

"Oh come one," they say. "Would you rather I ig-snore you instead?"

"Even worse!!!"

They laugh, and it's bright in a way you forgot you could be. You don't know if it's the sleep or the touch or the jokes or something else, but they sound lighter. They look happy.

Ah. You've lost control of your face. Luckily, as always, there's not much face, but! Loop! There's no need to be handing out free adoring expressions to your stardust!

He doesn't seem to have the same reservations. He gives you a pleased smile and says, "Okay, okay. Another funnyjokespun hater, I see how it is. I'll just be going now."

"Finally!!" you say. "It's been houuurs!"

They roll their eye and give you a wave. You tell the sense of loss in your stomach to quit it and the noise in your mind to give you just a few more seconds of sanity. With one final, "See you later, stardust!" you watch them turn and go.

And then...

You're alone.

. . .

You breathe, pointlessly.

"Okay," you say.

Silence.

"I'm okay," you tell yourself.

Are you?

"I'm fine," you say. "Normal. Helpful. I did good."

Did you?

"I did. I helped. I said normal things."

Then why are you freaking out?

"I'm not. I'm fine."

You're not fine.

"I am, I am. Shut up."

You're thinking about it.

"I'm not."

You are. You can't fool yourself. You're DEFINITELY still thinking about it.

...You stand up.

Up. You need to go up. Up the Favor Tree. Get out of this spot. This is where you talk to your stardust and you don't want to sully this place with whatever breakdown you're on the cusp of having. Maybe if you're lucky you'll zone out on the way up and you won't have to think about anything at all or be real or want things.

Ha.

It's dark, but the light from your head illuminates your immediate surroundings. And even if it didn't, you have this climb memorized. Branch here, foothold there. You let your limbs move through the motions. Your mind feels like it's slipping and you really hope it's slipping towards peaceful thoughtlessness but...

Instead you slip somewhere else completely.

"Loop," you say, and you can feel a mockery of a smile plastered on your face even as your voice bleeds into something accusatory and livid. "How can you help yourself on this WONDERFUL new loop?"

Reach up, branch, push off the trunk here.

"Haha, help?" You grip the branch too tightly. The bark digs into your palm. "I don't need help~"

Ha! "You do. You do. You really do. You're freaking out. You need to think about this."

The leaves brush past you as you breach the canopy. The sky overhead is dark, speckled with the evening's first stars.

"I don't," you say. "It's fine."

You have enough presence of mind to settle in your usual spot before you start really losing it. Your knee begins bouncing like crazy, rustling the leaves and shaking the branch. You clasp your hands around your arms, fingers pressing deep into your triceps.

"Too bad." Your stomach roils. Your thoughts twist. "You're thinking about it."

Trepidation. Disgust. You don't want to do this.

"It was just a joke," you say, staring blankly at the leaves. Your knee bounces and bounces.

"Was it?" You feel sick. "You know you've been creepy recently. Do you want to sleep with your stardust? Do you want to fuck them? Get fucked by him? Do you?"

You flinch, and flinch, and flinch again. Like each word you say surprises you. Like you're not the one speaking it.

"No," you say. "No. No, I don't. Stop it."

"THINK about it," you urge. "Actually think about it. Stop running away."

"I don't want to. It's gross. I don't like it. Isn't that enough?"

"Is it?" You're angry at yourself. "Or are you just being a coward."

You close your eyes. Your knee bounces and the branch bounces and the canopy sounds like chh-chh-chh as the leaves shake around you. You try and focus on it, on the sound and the feeling, but it doesn't stop your mind from thinking about it, just like you wanted-feared.

ACT [NULL] – SCENE 1-1

Characters:
YOU and STARDUST.

Setting:
A nondescript room with a wooden closet and simple bed.

At rise:
STARDUST is seated at the edge of the bed, naked. They beckon YOU closer.

--

STARDUST
Can we practice touch? Please.

YOU
...
(You approach.)

STARDUST
Loop. I need you to touch me here.
(They spread their–

CUT – FROM THE TOP!

ACT [NULL] – SCENE 1-2

Characters:
YOU and STARDUST.

Setting:
A nondescript room with a wooden closet and simple bed.

At rise:
YOU are seated at the edge of the bed. STARDUST stands nearby, naked. You beckon STARDUST closer.

--

YOU
Over here, stardust. Just like last time.

YOU
...
Kneel.

STARDUST
...
(Approaching. Kneeling.)

YOU
Mm, good, you know what to do.
(You spread your legs–

CUT – FROM THE TOP!

ACT [NULL] – SCENE 1-3

Characters:
YOU and A BODY.

Setting:
A nondescript room with a wooden closet and simple bed.

At rise:
YOU are standing in the middle of the room. There is a sleeping BODY laying on the bed, over the top covers. It is naked. It looks like you. It looks like your stardust.

--

YOU
(Looking at the body.)
Okay, so this is... me. Him? I guess if they're not trying to DO anything with me, it's fine. I don't mind the nakedness. It's... not bad to look at but...

YOU
I don't feel anything.

CUT – BORING.

ACT [NULL] – SCENE 1-4

Characters:
YOU and A DIFFERENT BODY.

Setting:
A nondescript room with a wooden closet and simple bed.

At rise:
YOU are standing in the middle of the room. There is a sleeping BODY on the bed, laying over the top covers. It is naked. It looks like The Fight–

CUT – THAT'S WEIRD.

ACT [NULL] – SCENE 1-5

Characters:
YOU and STARDUST.

Setting:
A nondescript room with a wooden closet and simple bed.

At rise:
STARDUST is laying on the bed, naked. They do not beckon YOU closer. He is performing a repetitive motion near his groin.

--

STARDUST
Aah. Loop. Loop, pleeease.

YOU
...
(You know what he's doing. This is... uncomfortable.)

YOU
I...
(You look away.)

CUT – THAT'S AWKWARD.

ACT [NULL] - SCENE 1-6

Characters:
YOU and STARDUST.

Setting:
A nondescript room with a wooden closet and simple bed.

At rise:
STARDUST is laying on the bed, in their underclothes. He is performing a repetitive motion against the front of his shorts. YOU stand nearby.

--

STARDUST
Aah. Loop. Loop, pleeease.

YOU
...
(It's not AS uncomfortable, if you don't have to see the bits.)

YOU
(Softly.)
Are you close, stardust?

STARDUST
(Whines.)
Loooop–

CUT – UM!?

ACT [NULL] – SCENE 1-7

Characters:
YOU and STARDUST.

Setting:
A nondescript room with a wooden closet and simple bed.

At rise:
STARDUST is laying on the bed, fully clothed. There is no repetitive motion, but he writhes in a way that is distinctly recognizable. YOU stand nearby.

--

STARDUST
Aah. Loop. Loop, p-pleeease.

YOU
...
(Oh. This is...)

YOU
What's the matter, stardust~

STARDUST
(They whine and twitch helplessly. He throws his arms over his face.)

YOU
Aw, you poor thing. This must be a lot for you. Are you close?
(You step closer – CLOSER? – and reach out a hand. You don't want to touch THERE, but his clothed stomach beckons you–

CUT – WUH OH!!

ACT [NULL] – SCENE 1-8

Characters:
YOU and STARDUST.

Setting:
A nondescript room with a wooden closet and simple bed.

At rise:
YOU are laying on the bed. YOU writhe, desperate and twitchy. STARDUST stands nearby, fully clothed.

--

YOU
Aah. S-Siffrin. Please.

STARDUST
...
(They watch you, gaze intent. It's embarrassing. Mortifying.)

STARDUST
What if I think this is gross? What if I want nothing to do with you?

YOU
Nnnnng.
(You throw your arms over your eyes. You don't want him to see you like this.)

STARDUST
(Footsteps, approaching. The bed dips.)
But you like this, don't you? And I'm you. So... maybe I like it too. Maybe I want to watch you. Only you. Are you close? If I ask nicely, will you–

CUT – STARS!!

You snap your eyes open. You scratch at your arms viciously, like you're trying to flay the skin. When that's not enough, you curl forwards until your elbows are tucked into your hips and your arms are pressed into your thighs. At some point during your fantasizing, you'd started rubbing your legs together. It's embarrassing and awkward to maintain that motion now that you're folded over yourself, but the thought of being still right now makes you want to die.

Okay!! Haha! Okay!! Whew! That was awful!! That was the worst!! Stars~!

. . .

But – and here's the important thing – it wasn't ALL the way awful. And that! Sure is something! You'd really rather not think about any of it at all, but unfortunately that very insistent part of your brain has decided you needed to stop being a coward, so! Here you are! Thinking about it! And... Some of it was not bad. Some of it was even a little exciting! And mortifying and gross! Simultaneously!

Stars, you feel dirty.

"Was it worth it?" you mumble to yourself.

Was it worth it? What did you get out of this? The knowledge that your infatuation goes even deeper than you had thought? The idea that you wouldn't really mind seeing your stardust get off, so long as none of the gross stuff was visible and you were allowed to just watch him slowly lose control? The realization that seeing your own blinding body in such a state is... is what?

Hot? Mesmerizing? Erotic?

You laugh, staring straight down into your knees. The pitch is way off. All strained and manic. Ha! Hahaha! Is this it? Is this how you lose it? You're on your second set of time loops, and the thing that's gonna make you break THIS go 'round is finding out that maybe you DO experience a little itty bit of weird-style sexual attraction, but only exclusively towards your own body, and only when nothing is actually visible?

...Super!!

Yay!

Three cheers for Loop for this awful, horrific discovery!!!

"Hip-hip," you wheeze. "Hooray~!"

You tremble, up in the canopy of the Favor Tree. You dig your fingers into your arms and hook your ankles around one another and stare blankly at your knees without really seeing them and your balance is all off and you almost tip forwards, off the branch, into the leaves and the emptiness below them. It's only instinct that has you leaning back, saving you from the fall.

At long last, the disconnect you'd been hoping for settles over your skin. A comforting thoughtlessness seeps through your mind. Good. Good. You didn't like any of that back there anyways. Much better to be nothing and no one than to be a weird, narcissistic freak.

You zone out.

. . .

The night passes. The morning dawns.

Your stardust and his party enter the House.

Notes:

hi. author's disclaimer of "loop is in the middle of an ongoing traumatic event and they are not healthily processing their emotions at all". i am writing them as an asexual character in crisis (mentally and emotionally). this crisis, in addition to their trauma, isolation, loose sense of identity, and cognitive dissonance in their attraction to siffrin is exacerbating some pretty poor behaviours / coping mechanisms.

some of their thought patterns (e.g. having a conversational you/i internal dialogue + the asexuality scenario-ification exercise) are dramatized versions of stuff i do. and yes, i AM taking it many many steps further, for fun, because that's what writing is all about, but the root of it is me.

okay. that's it. i've been nervous about this chapter in particular for while. just needed to get that off my chest. thank you!! love you!!!

Chapter 9: Tongue

Summary:

"Can we practice touch, please?"

Haha! Wow! This really is progress, isn't it!? Sure they're just using the dialogue option and he's STILL avoiding the garden room and is STILL not meaningfully reaching out to their party about wanting physical contact, but...

Here he is, making the first move, showing where he wants to be touched.

Notes:

huh!?! i don't know why i'm surprised, but i am. i mean... look at all of us, hand-in-hand, frolicking through the field together: "hehe the asexual experience~"

listen, the number of comments last chapter that were all "knowingly nods along" really did make me feel seen. what a rush! thank you so much for the engagement with this story, for all the thoughtful comments, and for the feedback. i really do appreciate it!!!!

this chapter: i love and hate her in equal parts. i think where it ended up is fun, but ooooohhh me and those last 1.5K words are as good as mortal enemies. there are versions of this chapter strewn about my #Darlings notes document. isn't writing fun? anyways. don't pay attention to the chapter title. it's normal. it's fine. this one is both normal and fine.

You are vaguely aware, as you always are, of where exactly your stardust is within the House. They're climbing it the long way, letting his party search through the rooms on each floor.

You can tell they're looking for something, but it doesn't feel like a book or key. Something relating to the King? You've kind of lost the thread of exactly what your stardust is trying to accomplish at the moment given your recent preoccupation with...

With yourself. Your stardust.

Same thing.

But! It's fine! You're gonna do better now! You've made your discoveries! You've had your realizations! You've drawn a nice, neat circle in your mind around all your freakish desires and now! That you know! You can KEEP them in that circle and never ever EVER let them see the light of day~!!!

So!

You'll go back to being helpful Loop who pays attention to the loops because at the very least you need one decent thing you can do to make your existence have meaning.

Which means! You're paying attention!

...Your stardust has equipped a new Memory. The Sadnesses run from him. It's super useful and makes their journey much quicker despite all their little detours. Seems a little unfair that you never had something like that in your loops, but teehee! That's okay~! You already know which version of you the Universe favors~!

You pick at your wrist and kick your legs and listen to the leaves rustle.

They find what they're looking for on the third floor.

It's the blinding mirror picture.

Your stardust sits with this one for a while. Goes through the motions as he wanders aimlessly around the hallways. His act falls apart, noticeably so, and he doesn't seem to care.

A perfect picture, huh.

You know how that would appeal to you.

At the last safe room, the Researcher calls your stardust out on their strange behavior. It's new. She's never done this before and she's kind of scary about it and you briefly think about your own Odile and oh haha that's not what you want at all right now you don't want to think about it you don't want to forget but you DON'T want to think about them and–

And.

...And your stardust smiles insincerely and tells her to do her worst.

Stars. You want to throttle them.

You get a brief rush from the idea of your hands around your stardust's throat and haha wuh oh toss that one into the no-no circle too! Blind it all!!

. . .

... It all goes extremely badly with the King.

Oh, it starts normally. As normally as your stardust has made the fight these past several dozen loops. He asks the King a question, and then the King drones on and on about something you're certain isn't important to how the loops work. An island. A name. And you know it all means something to you – that it means something to your stardust – but it's not YOURS anymore and there's so little you can choose to hold on to now and you just don't have room for it and you don't care and it hurts to think about and you've been here so long and it doesn't matter and–

And there's a crack of SOMETHING not unlike the deadly burst of light from the King's floor of the House, only...

It's not light.

It's vibrant and visceral and it feels like something breaking.

And it happens again.

And again.

And–

The world shudders and glitches and catches and your stardust is dead and it all loops BACK–

. . .

Hah.

You're seated at the base of the Favor Tree.

Well then!

That was dramatic!

You can immediately tell your stardust is having a bad time of it in the meadow. Coughing. Breathing harshly. Laughing. You hope they pull themselves together quickly enough to avoid the Housemaiden's attention. If not, then, well...

You're probably in for a very short loop to escape the mortification of ~behaving strangely~!

Not that you can blame him.

...You wonder if they'll pay you a visit.

You shore up the circle in your mind and very carefully do not think about any gross feelings or recent fantasies. You could be due back on stage at minute, teehee!

Straight back, crossed legs, hands clasped together. Re-enter Loop!!

Your stardust manages a semi-normal greeting with the Housemaiden, saving this loop from a premature end. And then they round the end of the clearing and immediately launch into their tree-mendous tree bit with the Fighter.

And then they are here.

At the Favor Tree.

With you.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh the circle is not working. Hahahaha oh stars. You need to! Smile! Smile good and normally!!! You're smiling! You're not thinking about their face or neck or a bed or anything of the sort!

You're! Smiling!!!

"Hey, stardust!" you remember to say at the last second. You kick your legs. "How can I help you on this wonderful new loop?"

Your stardust looks stressed. Tired. Shaky. But still, he peers at you from under his hat and attempts a smile. Your chest twinges.

Was it just last loop you let them sleep on you? Look how easily your efforts were wiped away.

"Loop," he says. "Did you... Did you see any of that?"

"The disaster with the King? Or your breakdown in the meadow?"

They shrink from your gaze. "The King."

"Teehee, yes!" You steeple your hands together. "I saw some of it! What a mess!"

Your stardust looks at you, silently. You know they want your opinion. Because you're Loop, helpful Loop, here to help with the loops... and with anything tangentially related to the loops. Like the King's motivations. Ugh.

At the very least, this line of thought conveniently distracts you from other things.

"The King," you muse. "You've talked to him. You've... figured out he's from your country, the one no one can remember. The one that disappeared. And now he wants to freeze Vaugarde in time to make sure that, in a twisted way, it'd never be forgotten..."

You watch your stardust carefully as you speak. You think of the mirror picture again, of a neverending play.

Your stardust leans forward. "I have to talk to him, one last time."

"...Do you?"

"I know the King is deluded," he says, answering a question you hadn't really asked. "He can't bring our country back, but... But..."

But your stardust is desperate to try anything, even if it means sympathizing with the enemy. You're not sure how this became one of the few areas where you two are nothing alike. You smile, and feel cold.

"But you have to try," you say happily.

They look at you. "You still disagree?"

Yes. Of course you do. You hate the King more than anything. You don't want to think about how much time you've spent in his presence. How much of that time you spent dying, or listening to your friends die. Even now, you can hear the wet smack of a body being thrown against the floor.

Ugh. Stupid, stupid, stupid. What does it matter anyways!! You don't get to dictate what your stardust does!! Last time you tried, the blinding Universe intervened, so ha! You've learned your lesson there!

"I– I don't... I don't know." You look away. You don't want to see their face. "I don't know how I feel about any of this."

It's not like how you feel about it matters!

So! You smile! Smile! Just smile! You're not looking at them but you're smiling! They haven't said anything to you so–

"Just do whatever you want, stardust. Have fun!"

You hear him sigh. He stays silent, at that. You stay silent as well, smiling. And waiting. It'd almost be relaxing if you weren't currently sandwiched between two very different yet equally distracting sets of thoughts. Your hatred of the King on one side, your infatuation of your stardust on the other.

"What do you do?" they ask suddenly. "When I'm not here."

Huh?? You squint at them. "Excuse you!" you say, pushing your voice into something jokingly insulted. "My life doesn't revolve around you! I do loads of things while you're gone."

Your stardust smiles. "Like what?"

Like fantasize about them.

"Like... I look at the sky." This is a disaster. "And, um... I take a nap sometimes. Dream about things."

"What do you dream about?"

UNIMPORTANT!!

"What do YOU dream about?" you shoot right back.

Your stardust shrugs.

. . .

And that's the end of that! Hmph! You cross your arms and look away.

"Right," you say. "All of that pestering aside... How ELSE can I help you on this new loop?"

You hear them stand up. Huh? You immediately look their way and startle when your stardust steps up directly in front of you. Uhhhh...

"Hi!" you say. You flick a hand up in front of you non-mouth. A tiny barrier between you and them. "Teehee! Look at you, all right in front of my face. What's the occasion~?"

They still look tired, but their smile returns. They hold out a gloved hand.

"Can we practice touch, please?"

SO FORWARD!

Haha! Wow! This really is progress, isn't it!? Sure they're just using the dialogue option and he's STILL avoiding the garden room and is STILL not meaningfully reaching out to their party about wanting physical contact, but...

Here he is, making the first move, showing where he wants to be touched.

(You think briefly of an imagined room, a bed, a show of where to touch–)

You laugh and it's soooo normal and not at all strangled and panicked. "My my, look who's bold today!" You bat your eyes at him and daintily place your hand in his. "Here to sweep me off my feet?"

"Something like that," they say, and they sit down on the root next to you, your hand held firmly in theirs. "Thank you."

Ew. Gratitude. And for what? A repeat performance? You've already done hands. It was your first touch exposure therapy session! You've been trying to switch things up, but whatever. Your stardust can do what they want. It's their therapy, after all.

Your exasperation helps keep you calm. You wiggle your fingers and train your gaze away from your stardust, as if bored.

"You're here," you say, by rote. "With me."

They hum. "And you're also here, with me."

Then they slide their fingers between yours.

Oookay. Haha. Normal. It means nothing– Oh, actually. Wait. Your automatic rejection response was a little quick there. It probably DOES mean something. You know they have a crush on you. You'd forgotten about it, briefly, so focused on your own blinding emotional dilemma. But it's how this whole mess started. Their crush. Your realization. Your subsequent worse realization.

You chance a look over to your stardust only to see him strangely focused on your hand. They've got it held up close to them, the back of your hand and wrist near their face.

... Okay???

"I sure am?" you say belatedly, finishing the piece. The tone is all off, but you don't really care about that at the moment. You squeeze your hand just to see them react. They shudder a bit and flick their gaze up to meet yours.

Yeah alright, they're blushing.

Like a maniac, you say, "See something you like?"

They blush even deeper, but don't shy away from your gaze. Then, with seemingly no trepidation, he answers, "Yes."

OH?

"You're really unique," he continues, looking back down at your hand. "I like the way your skin looks. How it feels. And I guess I've just been curious about it. Is... is that okay?"

STARS!

"Sure!!!" you say. "Why wouldn't it be!!??"

They shrug, and then you watch them bring up their other hand to their mouth and peel the glove off with their teeth.

OKAY. HOT?

You look away. You look away soooo hard. You look away, at a– a– a stupid twig on the ground. It's small and mostly lost among the short grass and it doesn't even have any leaves on it. You've never taken notice of it before, in all these loops. It's definitely worth your attention right now in this exact precise moment.

You feel fingers – gloveless – brushing over the top of your hand and down your wrist. They do this again. And again.

So the twig!!!! It's probably from the Favor Tree. But imagine if it were from one of the smaller trees around here. Maybe a bird brought it over. Maybe there's a nest somewhere nearby it had planned to build. Maybe the twig was going to be part of the nest but then the bird decided it wasn't good enough and–

There are fingernails, scratching gently at your skin. Pinching. Releasing. You shiver. Your fingers twitch. You–

You look at a leaf!!! On the ground!! Near the twig! It's definitely from the Favor Tree. You can tell by its shape. It's not in the best condition. It has a few holes where some grub had munched away at it. You probably wouldn't ever have looked at this leaf in a normal situation. Isn't this nice, for the leaf, to be seen. To be noticed.

You feel something warm and wet brush over the back of your hand.

Uh!!!???

You whip around.

Your stardust is there, your hand up at his mouth, tongue out.

Licking you.

Your mind blanks. You stare, transfixed. Your stardust catches your gaze and immediately flushes, regret and mortification warring on his face. His closes his mouth and gives you an awkward, apologetic smile. But then he blinks, smacks his lips a bit, and tilts his head.

"Huh," he says.

And while you watch, he LICKS YOU AGAIN.

"Stardust," you say. And that's it. Mind blank. Words gone. Wet warmth on hand. Fingers between yours. Breath over damp skin. You quiver.

Your stardust takes a moment to consider your taste. Stars. STARS. There's still some embarrassment in their demeanor, but it's been mostly eclipsed by intrigue. They purse their lips and look thoughtfully at your hand.

"Tastes like... the thing that lemons taste like. I forget the word."

"S-sour?" you manage to say. You sound breathless.

"Hm, no. Maybe?"

He licks you AGAIN. A THIRD TIME.

"Kind of," they say. "But I don't think that's the word I was looking for. It's a lot sweeter. You're also, um, buzzy. Fuzzy? Makes my tongue tingle."

GREAT. SUPER. You're SO GLAD you've learned this. Here, with your hand held in your stardust's, with your taste in their mouth. You even forget to think of your body as weird and disgusting because you're too busy preoccupied with the fact that your stardust LICKED YOU, THREE TIMES! AND LIKED IT????

"Do you like it?" you ask, for clarification, because you're insane.

He looks at you and– and smiles. And it's not like the slow, shy ones from before. It's playful. Almost teasing. "I do," he says, and then, cheekily, "Do you?"

Aaaaah! Uh? Um!!

"Maybe!" you manage. "Teehee! I'll never tell~!"

They pull your hand up to their face, laughing at you with their eye. With their mouth they... press their lips, gently, to the back of your hand. And then they hold it there.

. . .

"Tingly," your stardust mutters through the kiss. His gaze remains trained on you, breath fanning out over your hand.

Oh. Oh stars. This is... a lot. This is– there's no other interpretation of this, is there? They are flirting with you. Openly. Blatantly. It... it might as well be a confession, for stars' sake!!! It's a blinding kiss to the back of your hand with sustained eye contact. From your other self. Who doesn't know who you really are.

"Stardust," you say, strangled.

"Loop," they say in response, lips against your hand.

You want them. You want them to open their mouth wide and bite down, bite through flesh. You want to watch yourself get devoured.

You take a deep, shaky breath. "You can't."

They raise their head, looking at you straight on. "Can't what?"

"You can't," you say, and something is bubbling up within you. You know he's oblivious, but he's not THAT oblivious. "You can't. You can't do this. Whatever you think this is. You don't... you don't want this. You can't."

"I do," he says immediately, face flushed dark. "Unless... you... don't?"

Stars. Blinding stars! He's saying it! Out loud! They weren't... they weren't supposed to do that!!! Your throat feels tight and your chest boils with something that might be yearning, might be fear, but is probably just panic. He wants you. You??? Your stardust wants you. And he– and– Ha! He doesn't know. He doesn't know! He doesn't know who you are!!!

But! But! Does it matter!? Hadn't you decided loops ago that you were going to mirror them? Meet them where they are? That it would be okay to reciprocate if he decided it was okay. And here they are! Saying it's okay!! Right!? Right???

So... so! So!

So why is it so terrifying!!!

You laugh, and it's not a signature Loop laugh. It's one of the pitchy, weak ones that you've been accidentally slipping into while alone. The ones you keep trying to fix. And now here you are, doing it in front of your stardust. No retakes here! It's too late! It's made it to the live showing!

You snap your free hand in front of your face and grin. It's fine, it's fine, it's okay–

"Loop?" your stardust asks.

YOU HAVEN'T ANSWERED HIM YET.

. . .

"It doesn't matter!!" you say brightly. "What I want! Teehee! This is about you, stardust. You're the star of the show, after all~!"

You... watch their expression shutter. You feel their grip tighten, your fingers trapped between theirs. Oh. Um. Wuh oh. You laugh, again, and it's still not fully right. Off-key.

"Oops? That was a bad answer, wasn't it!" You grin, brightly. "Let me try that again!"

"Loop," your stardust says.

"Take two! Haha, yes! Yes?" You scramble to recall exactly what they had asked you. "Right! Stardust, hehe, you really, really shouldn't want this, but if you do, then... so do I! I do!"

They slip their fingers from yours, and your not-heart swoops, a sudden, hollow feeling. It's only vaguely appeased by the way he instead clasps your hand in his. One gloved, the other gloveless... your own hand, strange and lightless, between them. You twitch.

"Loop," he says again. "If you don't–"

But you do!!! You interrupt!! Take three!!

"I do!" you say. "I do. It's fine! Don't worry about me, teehee! I'll do anything to help my cutie patootie little stardust~!"

Their expression, which had been rapidly shrivelling into something pinched and reticent, freezes. He pulls his hands away from you, like he's been burnt. You're not sure what kind of face you make at that, but it CANNOT be good.

There's a beat of silence.

"Am I... making you do this?" your stardust whispers.

. . .

You've messed up.

"Am I making you do this?" they say, again. Because you didn't respond. Because you're stuck, running the conversation back in your mind, thinking about all the ways you'd do it again, do it better, if only you could. Your stardust keeps going. "Is... is that it? Am I forcing you into this? Manipulating you? You... you're here to help me, and– and– if I want something, are you– are you being forced to..."

Oh. Oh. The pitch, the speed, the unsteadiness. You recognize this tone. He's spiraling.

"That's it, isn't it." He heaves, as if something has tightened around his throat. "I've been saying and– and doing all these... disgusting things, and you're being forced to just... take it. I– I– oh stars, what is WRONG with me."

"Nothing!" you lie. "Nothing's wrong! Ha! Look at you, worrying over something you've just made up in your mind! You're so silly! Do you really think you could make me do something I wouldn't want to?"

"Yes," he says, no hesitation.

Well THAT's unexpected. You feel...

"Psh," you scoff, waving a hand at them. You don't know what to do. What to say. You– you HAVE to be Loop. "You think too highly of yourself, stardust. Manipulating me? Ha! You can't make me do anything."

"The dagger." Their eye is wide and fearful. "I did. With the dagger."

. . .

Ah.

You ignore the phantom sensation of wires around your wrists.

"That wasn't you," you say, bright, bright, bright.

"I wanted it. And– and you were forced to give it to me."

"That wasn't you." You look away. The brightness fades. You feel achy. "That was between me and the Universe. You're not manipulating me, stardust. I... I promise. It's a Loop guarantee, heh. You aren't forcing me to do anything. If anything, it's me... who is..."

Stars. If only they knew. It's you who's gross. Who's been manipulating this situation. The way you're withholding key information for your own sick satisfaction. You... grasp your own arms and look out, into the shadows under the Favor Tree, where your stardust would usually sit. Your knee bounces slightly. The presence at your side is small, hunched over. Their hands are bundled away under their cloak. You can hear him, breathing rhythmically, audibly, trying to calm himself down.

After a long moment, he says, "I'm sorry."

"What?"

"I'm sorry," they say, voice muffled and warbly. "I'm sorry. For... doing all those things. Being weird. Being gross. I didn't even ask. I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Loop."

"You don't need to apologize."

"I licked you! And I slept on you! And I... at the top of the Favor Tree, I grabbed you and threatened to kill you? Because I wanted to see how you'd react? Who does that!?"

You twist to face them. Your light shines off the brim of their hat and casts his face into dark shadows. All you see is the glint of his eye. It's difficult to discern his expression like this, but you know that tone, you know these kinds of thoughts. It's all very, painfully familiar to you.

Disgusting, disgusting, disgusting.

"Stop that," you say. "You're not disgusting. Not for this, at least. It's... we've been doing this Touch Therapy together, stardust. I'm the one who offered it. If I didn't want it, and everything we've done, I would have told you to stop."

It's not enough. Say it clearly, Loop.

"I want this," you admit. "I do. I promise."

There. You said it.

...Gross.

Your throat feels tight and you rub your arms to chase away the prickly sensation of overexposure. Such a small concession, and still it feels like the absolute worst. But! You can see your stardust now. He's tilted his face up out of the shadow of their hat, your light now illuminating him. There are lines around his eye and between his brows. They don't look like they're spiraling. Not anymore.

They just look tired.

"Okay," he says. "I... I believe you."

. . .

Oh.

You know what you sound like when you're lying.

Chapter 10: Wrist

Summary:

"Why were you touching me? Like that? I didn't ask for Touch Therapy. I didn't."

"You didn't," you say, trying to focus on this conversation rather than your continued positions. "But, stardust, you do realize that normal people touch each other for lots of reasons, right? They don't need to wait for a special event."

"We're not normal."

Notes:

hiii. so. i've run out of chapter buffer. this one was technically done last week, but realized i really needed to sit on it to make sure its end flowed nicely into the next chapter (which it does). you'll see why. :)

i also now have a pretty solid plan of where this fic will end. act 5 is going to be fun :)))

a few additional notes: likely going to end up with a 2-week posting schedule, and almost certainly moving to thursdays. my wednesday evenings got busy wehh

love you all lots!! tysm for the comments and kudos!

Your stardust leaves.

You don't tune in to what they do. But the afternoon slowly trickles into evening and then into night, and you know that they've chosen to spend time with their party – their family – instead of skipping straight to the King.

One last talk... You wonder distantly if they truly believe it will have any effect. Any impact on these loops. You and your stardust are achingly similar, yet there are still ways in which he surprises you.

His hope, for one.

You don't have to tune in to them to know what they're doing this loop.

Your stardust is going at it the long way because he's deluded himself into thinking there's a chance. That this could be it, the last loop, that he's potentially found an answer. One last talk with the King, to reconcile, to commiserate, to act on WHATEVER it is they think will happen, and then what. It'll be over? The loops will break? Just like that?

Ha!

It'd be funny if the whole thing didn't make you feel like you were being boiled in a pot of acid.

Your stardust wants to make sure things are perfect, just in case this is it. Set up the pieces for the ideal ending. The loving family. One last, stellar showing.

You dig your fingers into your arms and laugh.

...Maybe it is a little funny, still, even with the whole acid-pot-boiling feeling.

You've realized, only now, hours later, that your stardust might have been trying to do that with you too. Make things perfect. It explains the boldness, the– the pseudo-confession. Hah. And you ruined it! Because you're wrong and bad and you just can't be normal when it comes to them. And now he thinks that you... what? Lack free will? That he's been forcing himself on you and the Universe has been holding you down and shutting you up and making you take it? That you're not even real enough to do something as simple as speak your mind and return their affections?

When in reality you...

You...

. . .

You stand up and shake out your hands, once, twice, a third time, then start the climb up the Favor Tree.

It's dark. You'd been sitting silently with yourself for hours. Thinking about all your mistakes. About what you'd do if you could start again. It's sick. The way you yearn for something that had destroyed you. Unmade you. Left you shattered across time.

How there's a part of you that misses it.

...It's quiet at the top of the tree. You settle into place, set your gaze vacantly towards the House of Change, and wait.

Okay.

So.

You... you've messed up! You messed up big time! Not that– not that things weren't a mess before! What with the time loops and the giving up and the clone and the feelings and everything in between, but. Haha. Maybe it's just that things have reached a certain threshold of mess that now you feel like... like you at least need to get a handle on one small piece of it. To prove that you still can. To convince yourself and your stardust that you aren't just a prop, a narrative device, a figurehead of the Universe. Ha. Haha.

The problem is...

The problem is you know you only really have one option.

The problem is that you're going to have to tell him.

"Tell him what?" you mutter. And then, with a smile, "There are so so sooo many things I could say, teehee."

You know what you mean.

"Do I? Am I really such a shining example of self-awareness? Because it feels to me like I'm more a cautionary tale in self-love hahahaha–"

You're deflecting. Pull it together, Loop.

You grip your own sides, as if physically pulling yourself together. Faintly, you consider the concept well-intended if utterly pointless.

You fall apart so easily these days.

"So what?" you say, to no one. The leaves rustle in the wind. The sky above you is dark. "What am I supposed to tell them? That I'm him? That I've done these loops before? That I'm starting to think they're inescapable? Or that I really have fallen for them? That I fantasize about touching him? That I want them in gross, disgusting ways? That I would–"

Stop.

"No, no, no, no no no no–"

Breathe.

"I don't need to breathe," you wheeze, arms now fully wrapped around your midsection. Your limbs prickle. You feel dizzy.

Breathe anyways.

You breathe. In, and out. And in. And out. It's difficult talking to yourself out loud when you're focused on keeping up this pointless pattern, and maybe that's the point, but you aren't done, you aren't escaping, you need to figure this out.

It's not like you have anyone else you can talk to.

"You could have someone," you say softly between breaths. "If you told them."

You close your eyes. "It would be cruel."

"Is what you're doing right now any better?"

"At least he has hope," you say. "What am I supposed to do, go up to them and say, 'heyyy stardust, I'm you, teehee! And I never made it out of the loops~'."

You hunch forward, eyes opening to stare at the canopy of the Favor Tree. Your mind buzzes uselessly. Yes? No? You feel torn. You need to tell him. But telling them would ruin them.

"It's pathetic," you mumble absently. "Can't even help myself..."

You're tired. So much so that you ache with it. You don't want to do this anymore. You want to be real. You want someone to know. You want to disappear completely and never have to think or make decisions ever again. You're just so tired. You want someone to help you. You're tired of being alone.

You don't cry. You're not even sure you still can in this fake, inhuman body. But... you do find yourself incapable of speaking. It's like your throat has closed up and your mind has gone all echoey.

You're tired.

You're tired.

You're tired.

. . .

It's not an answer. But you know what you need to do. You've known since the start. You just wanted to talk yourself into it. It's going to be awful.

Script in hand, you wait for your next cue.

. . .

Time passes. The same time that always passes. Unremarkable cloud cover that shifts in patterns you've all but memorized, the familiar tune of some kind of buzzing insect that rises and falls in the early hours of the morning, the dull warmth of day that tediously swells as the sun rises high above you. It's the same, same, same. You sit in the canopy of the Favor Tree and let it all drift past you. Waiting.

You forget exactly what your stardust is up to until you sense their arrival on the King's floor. It comes back to you slowly, hearing the conviction of his actors. Because... right, you remember. They're all family, here. Your stardust thinks there's a chance this might be the end of the loops. And he's here, making a stand.

Making a request.

This last talk with the King.

It's...

It is...

Awareness slams into you like a rock from a trapped ceiling. Thundering, useless awareness. You are suddenly, inescapably present for what is happening on the King's Floor, and there's nothing you can do but watch.

Everyone, frozen.

Bonnie, caught.

The King, squeezing.

You shout out, pointlessly. Your stardust needs to loop back. Loop back. Just loop back. You know he can do it. It's what your whole hangout had been about, all those loops ago! Proving this very point! So why!!!! Aren't they!!!!!! Looping back!!!!!!!

You can't tune out, you don't want it to end in blood and stars, not Bonnie, not again, but you can't stop it and–

You see them.

Crumple.

The world catches and jolts and glitches and rewinds and IMPRINTED in your mind is a tiny, broken corpse and– and your stardust looped back. They looped back. But they weren't quick enough. He wasn't efficient enough. And you know the dagger wouldn't have helped because they were all frozen frozen FROZEN but you can't help but think that you would have gladly slit his throat yourself if only you could have spared you both this blindingly vivid memory.

You know that you'll always remember this.

. . .

Your stardust is back in the meadow.

You're back at the base of the Favor Tree.

You clench your fists and stand up. You... don't really have a plan. You just can't sit still and wait. Not after that. You check in long enough to know that your stardust is in the middle of having another meltdown (unsurprising), and then you step over the root and duck out of sight.

The back of the Favor Tree is very similar to the front of the Favor Tree, only it's not facing an open path and clearing. It's more overgrown, on this side. Beyond the edge of the canopy there are bushes and trees and what could ostensibly be a forest. Over there, among the light-speckled shade, is the patch of grass you like to lay down in. You might go lay there later. Not right now though.

Right now you are full of some kind of buzzing, restless energy.

You pace.

Your steps take you to the edge of the canopy and back. You look at the trunk of the Favor Tree, and suddenly decide that circling it would feel better. So you do that instead. Around you go, over the roots, passing by your stardust's spot, then yours, then the back of the tree again. You hum a soft, tuneless note and scratch at your own hand and you urge the Universe and the Fighter and anything else nearby to pay you no mind. This is Loop time. Loop is looping. Hehe. No interruptions allowed.

There's a lot. There is A LOT. To think about.

Bonnie, safe now.

A new memory, for your stardust. To read things neither of you could before.

Wish Craft.

Your decision, to tell him who you are.

You pause briefly in your circling, looking at your stardust's seat, the one directly across from yours. You barely even think about sitting there before you do, settling down and looking over and imagining what it would be like to see yourself as Loop sitting there, looking back.

Whoa! Dizzy! Okay!

Maybe the idea messes you up a little. But. That's fine! It's fine! You'll just be prepared in case your stardust swoons or whatever whenever you get around to telling them. This loop. Or... maybe another. Because this... this might not be the best time, given... everything.

Stars.

You're the worst.

You stand up and do one, two, three more loops. Circles. Maybe stop calling them loops in your head, Loop. You finish your third circle as your stardust finishes their check-in with Bonnie– the Kid. The Kid. How long have you slipped up on this one? It doesn't matter. You return to your root, your spot, and settle into place. The restless energy still buzzes up your stomach and chest, but you know better than to mess with the stage directions when the lead actor (or are they more like a director?) is about to make his entrance.

. . .

Enter stage left: your stardust. Scene: skipping the joke with the Fighter. Huh. An unsurprising but rare take on the usual performance. You suppose you can't blame them. And then, with the Fighter gone, your stardust approaches the Favor Tree.

He looks haunted.

So. Either he's only just now dropped the act for you, or they haven't fooled a single one of their party members this loop. It's... probably the latter, given what little you've seen so far. But it's not like it really matters. You remember what happens when you dropped the act around your party members...

Nothing.

Nothing happens, except soft hands, melon candy, and the start of another loop.

You plaster on a smile. Better to keep up the act, in your opinion.

"Hey star–"

"Stop," he says.

You stop. Your stardust sits, looking down and away, practically hidden in his cloak and hat. You can tell from their frame that they've clasped their arms around themselves, even if the cloak masks it. He looks like something to be pitied. He sounds like something injured and waiting for a mercy kill.

"Just say 'I told you so'," he says, "and we can move on."

Ah.

Well.

What an invitation! You could do it. You could be vindictive! It's what you'd expect too, if you were in their position. You were right about the King! Painfully, pointless right! You can practically feel the 'I told you so' on your non-existent tongue.

Instead you stand up.

Guess you're not following stage directions after all.

"Up," you say. "I've decided we're doing something different this loop. I'll say 'I told you so' once we've resettled. Up. Up." You wave your hands at them, enjoying their startled expression.

"What?"

"Up," you say again. "We're moving. On your feet, stardust."

You turn around and step over your root before you see if your stardust is following or not. You know they will. He's curious like that. And you're making things intriguing on purpose. It feels right. It feels like you're skirting the script while keeping up the act. It feels like you're in control.

You hear a, "Loop, wait." followed by the sound of fabric against bark.

He's following you.

Good.

You circle the trunk of the Favor Tree until you reach the back. And then, with barely a glance in his direction, you walk to your spot in the low grass near the edge of the canopy. As always, it's out of sight of the main path. A nice, somewhat comfortable spot on the ground.

You lie down.

. . .

You hear the whisper of footsteps in grass. You stare straight up, hands clasped over your stomach, and wait. You don't say anything, and neither does he, but slowly, cautiously, your stardust comes into view.

He stops right at your side, staring down, expression a mix of a lot of things. You entertain yourself in trying to parse it. Confusion, you think. Concern, maybe. Possibly even intrigue. Weariness, for sure. But the haunted look from before seems to have faded.

It's odd, looking at them from this angle. He looks tall. The Housemaiden used to loom over you like this, whenever you'd wake in the meadow. You'd have thought the similarity would freak you out, but instead you just feel a weird, prickling anticipation.

You smile up at them.

"Lie down with me," you say. "I've already taken the best spot, but I'm sure you can find something decent nearby. You can even snuggle close if you'd like. I don't mind."

He blushes, and you take note of the flash of guilt that crosses his face. Oh yes. The manipulation thing.

"Lie down, stardust," you say brightly. "Or sit. I don't care, so long as you're not looming over me. And! While you're at it! Get over yourself, teehee! You aren't holding a metaphorical gun to my head, and you're not forcing me to invite you to a spot you've never been to before. You idiot."

He sits down. Cross-legged. Right next to your shoulder. You feel a little bit like a specimen on display.

"What's a gun?" he says, instead of acknowledging any of the other meaningful things you just said. Ugh!!

"I don't know!" you say. "Are you settled? Is this your choice? We're talking like this?"

"I guess so."

"Okay!" You clap your hands together and point the tips of your fingers towards your stardust. "Then I'm choosing to say it now: I told you so. I told you so sooooo hard. I was right! You were wrong! I cannot BELIEVE how stupid you were, thinking you could turn the King good!!!"

Your stardust wilts. Hiding under his hat doesn't work nearly as well when you're under the brim with them. You peer up at him and smile brightly.

"All you had to do was find out he shares your tragic backstory for you to feel pity for him." Your tone turns bitter. Your words sharpen. "He didn't have to lift a finger! And because of you, Bonnie was–"

Stars blind it. You slipped AGAIN. You grin through it.

"Anyway," you tell them. "I told you so."

Your stardust closes his eye. "I know," he says. "It was stupid. I'm stupid. I never should have tried talking with him in the first place."

You scowl. Then you poke them in the knee. Their face scrunches up, but they keep their eye closed, ignoring you.

"I can still see it," they mutter. "I can't believe I was so stupid, stupid, stupid."

You poke again and get the same non-reaction.

"It WAS stupid," you say. "But I guess it wasn't for nothing. You got something out of this, didn't you? Another Memory to equip."

You prod his shin this time and feel the limb jolt a little under your touch. You keep your finger there, twisting as you sing-song, "You'll always remember this, after all."

Their brow furrows. Their eye cracks open briefly, meeting your own gaze before quickly scrunching shut again.

Hmph!

You twist in place to get comfier, pillowing your head in one arm and keeping the other free to prod at your stardust.

Where were you? Oh, right.

"I'll do the usual for you." You affect a bored tone as you finger-walk your hand from your stardust's knee down to his ankle. Poke poke poke. "[You got a MEMORY OF MEMORIES. When equipped, Memory of Memories allows you to read books you couldn't before.]"

He winces, but that's it.

"You know the ones written in that language that just give you a headache?" you say, tapping a pattern at their ankle. "The ones from your country?"

You feel the muscles of his leg tense. Your stardust's face is still scrunched up, and his breathing seems a little more forced than earlier, but he hasn't moved and they haven't done anything to make you stop.

Okay, you NEED to keep bothering him.

Poke. Tap. "Now that you can read that language," you muse. "Maybe you can explore the House a bit more. I know how much you love reading, teehee." You press your finger against the inside of their ankle and then drag it slowly up his calf.

He full-body flinches, and you catch some kind of aborted movement. Oh? That was almost something. You keep going.

"Don't despair, stardust," you say brightly. You tippity-tap your fingers up and around his knee. "There's still a path to follo–"

You–

There's a rush of motion. Your hand is grasped tightly, almost painfully, and is just as quickly wrenched up and away. The force pushes you back, follows you, and next thing you know you're on your back and your hand is pinned next to your head.

. . .

Um?

Your stardust is leaning over you, eye open, pupil blown wide. His hand has yours pinned down, his weight pushing it into the grass. Their face is almost scary with how intense it is and it's definitely not something that you have any weird feelings about whatsoever hahaha no what um.

...Okay.

Okay!

Mission. Accomplished?

"Hi," you say. You sound breathless. "Hehehe, I win."

He doesn't react to your words. You feel very, very warm.

"I win~" you say again. "I got you. Made you react!! Prize for Loop!"

They breathe, in and out, and most of the intensity fades with it. He blinks at you, as if surprised by both of your positions.

You... try lifting your wrist, just to feel the weight keeping it in place. Your stardust isn't exactly restraining you or anything, but the feeling of resistance does something funny to your head. Wow. Wow!

"Pin my other hand," you say.

His eye widens.

Ahaha whoops, who said that? Not you. You grin and laugh and yes, it sounds a little flustered, you're WELL AWARE, thank you, but it's fine. You're normal. You're so normal.

"I meant, um. Let me up? I'll behave now, teehee."

Your stardust flushes deeply and... doesn't let you go. Huh. Huh!?

"Why were you doing that?" he asks, eye flitting from your face to your pinned hand.

"Mm?"

"Why were you touching me? Like that?" The pressure on your hand abates some, but doesn't leave. "I didn't ask for Touch Therapy. I didn't."

"You didn't," you say, trying to focus on this conversation rather than your continued positions. Stars. You want him to grind you into a fine paste. "But, stardust, you do realize that normal people touch each other for lots of reasons, right? They don't need to wait for a special event."

"We're not normal," he says.

"Ha! Okay, okay, sure!" You laugh again. "So we're pretending you don't yearn for casual touch? That this isn't the goal you've been striving for?"

Your stardust doesn't say anything. They look uncomfortable, maybe even distraught.

. . .

Right.

You... need to clear the air here.

"Let me up," you say. And then, in a tone so sugary and fake that even you feel sick with it, "I really do promise I'll behave~!"

They grimace, presumably at your tone, but they do finally sit back. Your wrist is unpinned

Ugh. You miss it already. You're so gross.

You sit up, clasping your freed hand near your chest. The base of your palm and upper wrist are warm. As you face your stardust, eye to eye, you can't help but glance at his hands. Gloved, lightless like yours, and also clasped at their chest.

Okay.

Okay.

It's fine.

You're fine. You're normal. You won't be thinking about this experience AT ALL over these next few loops. Pinned by your stardust, back against the ground. All the ways it could've gone further. Nope! Haha! It was just a perfectly normal, unremarkable moment.

Your stardust is silent.

"So!" you say at length. "This would usually be the cue for me to go back to my opening line. You know, 'How else can I help you blah blah blah'. But I'm not really feeling like saying it. So I won't."

Stars, they are SO quiet. Not even a blip of a reaction.

"I can make decisions like that," you say abruptly. "Did you know, stardust? I don't have to help you."

There it is. A furrowed brow. Eye focusing on you.

"I can choose to be annoying, or decide I want to be an inconvenience. I do that a lot!! Bothering you is just so much fun, teehee!"

"Why are you telling me this," he says.

You press your hands together, palm to palm, and grin. "Because! It's amazing how last loop you ignored all of that and just decided I MUST be stuck helping you and that I'm being forced to touch you."

"I didn't–"

"I know when you're lying~, stardust."

"I didn't mean it like that."

"Hm! Well the words you used sure implied it!" You lean forward, pointing a finger at him. "But I'm curious! How DID you mean it, then? When you told me I'm being forced to take it? I want to know."

Your stardust's face goes as pale as it ever gets, almost sickly looking. They open their mouth, but don't say anything.

You pretend to laugh. "Hah! What about when you told me you could make me do something I wouldn't want to? What did you mean by that?"

They sit upright, a strange, rigid smile stuttering into place on their face.

"Oh?" he says, tone pitched up. "You want to talk about what I said? What about you?"

Wuh oh.

"Tell me, Loop–" You don't like this. You don't like this at all. "What did you mean when you said that it doesn't matter what you want? But then told me that if I wanted it, you'd want it too?"

Ah.

"Or how about the way you look soooo scared when you told me you'd do anything~ to help me?"

"Stardust–"

"Because!" your stardust continues, a bright, squinting grin on their face. "I'll tell you what it implied, teehee. It implied that you're being forced to want the things I want. Isn't that neat!"

Right.

This is...

"I didn't mean it like that," you say. It's awful, hearing them talk like you. This whole conversation is awful. You want to be flippant, to brush it all aside, but your mind is screaming at you to take it seriously for once in your stupid, miserable life.

"Funny," they say brightly. And that's it.

It's silent. The leaves of the Favor Tree rustle overhead.

You're probably supposed to say something. Make your case. Explain yourself. At least go back to your lines, but... you've been avoiding the script this entire loop. Why not keep it up. Maybe you'll try being the silent one for once.

You don't say anything.

Your stardust's sugary expression fades and you feel an ugly kind of relief. They blink at you, frowning. Exhaustion lines their face. His chest rises and falls with deep, even breaths.

"Loop," they say.

You hum.

"What... are we doing?" he asks.

"We're talking."

"Are we?"

Are you? Or are you just saying words without any meaning. Blaming each other. Blaming yourselves. It's... you're supposed to be talking about the loops. About what to do next. That's what's important here. But you've been ignoring the script and acting weird and now your stardust is acting weird and it's... it's because of you. Because of you and your stupid hangups and your stupid secret and your stupid crush.

No, you haven't been talking.

So.

You smile.

"Okay stardust," you say. "You want to talk? Let's talk."

Your stardust grimaces. They open their mouth to speak and you're having none of that. You interrupt.

"Nope!" You clasp your hands together. "It's my turn!"

You don't let yourself think.

"I have something I need to confess."

Chapter 11: Dagger 2

Summary:

You hear him take a deep, shuddering breath in. He blinks, and blinks again, and looks at you, clearly now. Their expression is bright and horrified.

He looks like he's seen a ghost.

Notes:

hi!!! i am back!! i am both excited and anxious about this chapter!

don't pay any mind to the chapter title. it's fine. :)

related to that --> new story tags. please heed them. things were implied before. they are now textually explicit. i'll put a summary in the end author's notes in case anyone needs to skip.

...yes, there may have been a time where i had this story at 10 total chapters. and yes, there may have also been a time where i believed it would be 12 chapters. and now it's... 14 total chapters now? maybe. who knows. i... have a plan. i promise. *shaky thumbs up*

thank you so so much for the comments and love this story had been getting! you are all so freakin' cool!! hopefully this chapter is worth the build up! :)

"Confess?"

Your stardust's voice is skeptical, but their eye is wide. You've surprised them.

Don't think, don't think, don't–

"Yes!" you say. "Though it's not the kind of confession you're hoping for, teehee!" You straighten your back and toss a coy hand in front of your chin, mimicking your best pretentious smirk even as your chest swoops and your throat tightens.

Go, go, keep going–

"I wouldn't want to steal the Fighter's lines, now, would it? Not that he's ever been able to say them!! No, no, I see your face, stardust. We both know exactly what kind of confession you're expecting. There's no need to pretend otherwise."

They look at you, mouth slightly open, like he'd wanted to say something but lost the moment. You don't give them a chance to recover. You don't think about the things you say.

"My confession," you sing-song, leaning back, "is a ba~d one. Bad for you, mostly!" You tap where the corner of your mouth would be, if you had one. "Stars, it might just ruin everything, hehe!"

His mouth closes. His brow furrows. They lean away from you.

"Look at you!" you say. "So tense! What are you thinking, stardust? Are you worried? I'd be worried if I were– ah! Stars! If– if I were– ha!! Hehehehehe! Oh, this is funny! If I were you!! I'd be worried if I were you!! HA!"

There's an ache somewhere in your face, like you've been grinning too hard for too long. You can't help the bright giggles that spill out. It's just– it's funny! Your stardust looks at you like you're losing your mind... and maybe you are! Maybe you lost it long ago! You laugh and twist your fingers together and there's an itchy restlessness in your legs and a bubbly, suffocating feeling in your throat.

You stand up. Your stardust startles badly at the movement.

"Loop–" they start to say.

You ignore him!

"Okay!!" you say. "Okay, okay, okay." The stage is behind you. A stretch of scraggly grass and dirt, the Favor Tree as backdrop. How to do this? Just saying it plainly seems so anticlimactic. If things had been different, you think making it into an Event would have been fun. Something like a fight. A challenge.

Your chest thrums and you need movement. Action. Something.

You take a couple steps onto the stage and swing your arms out as you do a little twirl.

"Many loops ago," you say, to an audience of one. "Waaay before this Touch Therapy stuff, I asked you a question! Whether you had theories about me! About who I am! Might be! Do you remember, stardust?"

You look at them. They peer back at you, intently.

"You guessed that I was a part of the Universe!! Which, haha, boring!" You pose, one hand splayed flat against your chest and the other almost beckoning your stardust. The counterpart. The understudy. "Did you ever have any other ideas? Anything else you were considering?"

"I did," your stardust finally says, slowly, like they're not certain you're going to let them talk. "Is this... are you trying to tell me who you are?"

Stars! Yes! And isn't it awful? You smile brightly at him.

"What were your other guesses?" you say. "The ones you didn't say. Or the ones you've thought of since. Let's run through them, together! One by one!"

"You want me to guess?"

"Yes!" You clasp your hands together in anticipation. "Let's hear them, stardust!"

Your stardust blinks up at you, lips parting slightly. You watch his gaze go unfocused and distant.

He doesn't say anything.

"So?" you prompt.

No acknowledgement.

"What's your first guess?"

Their eye bores a hole into the space above your shoulder. Unblinking.

He doesn't speak.

"It's your turn now!" you try, aiming for teasing but likely ending up somewhere in the vicinity of desperate. "Come on, stardust, I know you can do it!"

It's quiet.

Are... are they even listening to you? Your limbs buzz. You grin brightly. Your stomach feels like a black hole.

"Don't tell me you're ignoring me!" You step forward, to the front of the stage. Your own words wash over you, bright and desperate. "I'm giving you a free, special edition Loop Voucher to have as many guesses as you'd like!! About! Who I am! Isn't that fun? I think it'd be fun!"

Please.

The wind rustles through the trees. A bird chirps from somewhere out of sight. Your stardust ignores you, ignores your words, stays silent and still. The bubbling feeling in the base of your throat rises and rises and rises. You almost gag with it.

You crouch down, in front of them.

Is he zoning out? Please just be zoning out. Because...

You hadn't realized until this moment that there might be a reality in which your stardust just... doesn't care. About who you are. It seems impossible. It HAS to be impossible. You care, so, so, so much about it. You've agonized over it!!! The notion of it has haunted you. That you are him and they are you, and that the two of you are here, in the loops, together!

That it's always been just you, here, with yourself!!!

"Stardust," you plead.

Finally, slowly, your stardust's dazed stare tracks to you.

. . .

The speckled shade of the Favor Tree drapes over both of you. Your light, as always, brightens your immediate surroundings. You see the way it gleams against your stardust's hair and highlights their nose, their cheek, their eye. The two of you are close. Him, sitting on the ground at the edge of the canopy's shade. You, crouched in front of them.

Your stardust's eye is wide.

His face has gone pale, pale, pale.

... Ah.

"Siffrin," you whisper.

You hear him take a deep, shuddering breath in. He blinks, and blinks again, and looks at you, clearly now, and their expression is bright and horrified.

He looks like he's seen a ghost.

"Oh," you mutter, tonelessly. "Did you figure it out?"

Your stardust nods. Then shakes his head. Then nods again, more weakly. You see them tremble, and you think of a warm body against your legs and breath ghosting over your knees. Of a hand in yours. Of an embrace in the upper branches of the Favor Tree.

You'd offer that, any of that, again and again, if they still want it.

If he still wants you, now that he knows who you are.

"Oh stardust," you croon softly. "You keep surprising me, you know? Getting it right on your second guess. Just look at you. You're so talented. So much... better than me."

His breathing is all shaky. Short, shuddering gasps.

"You didn't even need my help!!!" You feel giddy. You feel sick. "Isn't that funny? I just stood there talking and talking about nothing and you went and figured it out! Ha! Haha. Just like how you figured out the King. You've... you've got a knack for getting things right on your second try."

You go from crouching to kneeling, more of a collapse than anything. The grass folds under you and your knees dig into the dirt.

Your stardust almost, almost reaches for you. But doesn't.

Ha. Haha. You look away.

"I'm one of those first tries," you say, laughing darkly. "I don't think I put that together until just now. Our first, disastrous fight with the King. Your first, boring guess of who I am. And me. The first, miserable Siffrin that couldn't make it."

You hear a noise, like a choked-back whine.

"Sorry~" you say, teasing out the word by habit. "I know it's not what you wanted. Learning about this. But I had to. You needed to know. It's– it's better this way! It's– I– hahaha–"

It's funny, it's funny, it has to be funny. You close your eyes. A grin splits your face.

"It's better this way! You won't be like me! You've already gotten so much further than I ever have!" Your throat is tight and painful and full of laughter. "That's not why I'm telling you this. It's– It's so you don't have to worry! About me! And the things I think, or the– the things you wanted, or... any of it!"

You press one of your hands against your face, fully blocking your view of your stardust. It's fine. Tell him it's fine.

"It's fine!" Again, again. "It's fine!!! It's always been fine! All of it! I'm here. I'm you. I'm real. And– and– you're here, with me!!! And I wanted this! So you've never forced me into anything!!! Because I'm– hahaha, I'm the one who KNEW this entire time that we were the same blinding person!"

You laugh, eyes scrunching shut, fingers digging into your light. You don't feel anything, not the ground beneath you, not the buzzing static along your hand, not the tightening vice around your chest. You laugh, and it's nothing. You're nothing.

You want to disappear.

"Oh stardust," you gasp, part laughter, part something else. "Siffrin. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. We're the same person. Now you know. You know. I'm sorry. You know. Oh stars. You know, you– you–"

A noise. Followed by a touch. You barely notice either.

"You know," you keen, and your fingers tear into the light of your face. "And– and you're going to hate me for it." There's another noise, louder this time, and a burning, ripping sensation somewhere deep around your blind eye. Your fingers dig, and dig, and heat bursts along your palm, and your arm strains, and there's something grasping at your elbow, pulling at it, and all you can think is how you hate, hate, hate yourself.

"Loop!" you hear. And then, "Si– Siff– ah, stop, stop, stop, please stop."

It's– it's– you–

You don't want to stop.

You feel awful and wretched and stupid and there's something ugly in you that tells you to keep digging, to make yourself bleed. If you had teeth you know you'd be biting at your own wrists. If you had hair you'd be tearing it out at the roots. You realize, distantly, that you're kind of losing it, that you're spiralling, that your sanity is drip, drip, dripping from your mind like a sieve. But the knowledge doesn't stop the way you shake and gasp and freak out all over your stardust.

You're so, so pathetic.

You deserve to be hurt.

"It's fine!" you hear yourself babble. "It's fine! It's fine! It's fine!"

You rip and tear and claw and the burning sensation blazes like fire across your face. It hurts, it hurts, it hurts.

Something firm wraps around your wrist. You fight it, pull away from it, and it pulls you back. You hear words. Your name, your stardust's name.

They wash over you, meaningless.

"IT'S FINE!" you gasp.

You're pulled forward until you're pressed against something. You flinch at the unexpected contact. In your confusion, your grip loosens, and your hand is ripped down and away from your head in a burst of blinding pain. Before you can do anything about it, your arm is pinned against your side. You try fighting, try moving your other arm, but at some point that limb had been pinned too.

Ha. Haha. It's fine. It's fine. It's fine. It's–

You're pinned.

You–

You're trapped.

You're trapped! You're trapped!!! Your arms are pinned and your face burns and you're pressed against something and you're trapped! You're trapped! You struggle to get free and you can't. You're trapped. You can't move your arms, you can barely feel your legs. Aahhaha, you– you're–

You're...

The thing you're trapped against breathes in and out and holds you tight and speaks softly to you with your own voice.

You...

. . .

"You're here," the voice says. "It's okay. You're here. I'm here. You're here."

Ah.

Hah.

"You're here," your stardust repeats, voice wet and warbly. "With me. Loop, Siffrin, you're here. You're here. With me."

Haahah.

Nnng.

"You're here, with me. You're here. You're here. With me."

You go limp. Whatever fight you had left drains from your body. You're pinned and secured and held and your head lolls forward against something solid and warm.

Your mind floats.

You are nothing but the arms around you.

"That's it," your stardust whispers. "There you go. Siffrin. Loop. You're here. With me."

You know. You know. You know.

. . .

You're not sure when, but at some point your stardust must feel how relaxed you'd gone, because their tight, pinning hold loosens. You sink even more bonelessly against them, face smushed into his neck, arms limp at your sides. A distant wash of pain ebbs and flows and you drift above it. You're nothing, nothing, nothing but the soft touches against your back, the hair brushing against your shoulder, the pulsepoint beating at your cheek.

Aah. Mmm.

You want to remember this feeling.

The thought brings some amount of awareness with it. Or maybe it's the touches. Or maybe it's the voice. Regardless, you find yourself gaining a little more presence, a little more focus.

You're able to acknowledge your position.

Your stardust has you wrapped up in a hug, arms circling your back. They've pressed you into him, chest to chest, your face ducked into his neck. You can feel them breathe, in and out, and every soft, soothing noise they make reverberates up through their chest and throat. It's warm, it's comforting. Even though you're this limp, dead thing in his arms, it's the closest you've ever felt to another person in your whole entire life.

More, your brain thinks.

You don't deserve this, you mind throws back at you.

"Mnng," you whine, a low, pathetic noise that makes your stardust freeze.

"Hey," you hear them say after a moment. "Hey, are you... back?"

Are you? You'd rather not be. Being back means dealing with everything that just happened. And ohhh hahaha, a lot has just happened. You can feel the mortification starting to brew, waiting for you to be present enough to strike. You would really like to avoid that one for as long as possible, thank you very much. You make another embarrassing, pitiful noise and nuzzle your face into your stardust's throat. Ow. Ouch. Hurts...

"Uhm, right." The hands around you squeeze. "I can't tell if that's a yes. Is that a yes? Loop? Siffrin?"

They don't know how to call you now. It's kind of cute. It's mostly life-ending. You wonder if you can also avoid this one, this decision, maybe forever? You don't want to think about how you want to be called. You don't even want to exist right now. It all hurts a bit too much.

"Hey, hey, it's okay." You feel hands drag up your back. You shiver. You realize that you've been shivering, trembling in your stardust's arms. That they're trying to comfort you. "It's okay. You're here. I'm here, with you."

Stars. You're wretched. Leeching this comfort from him. Do better, Loop. Siffrin. Whoever in this Universe-blighted world you're supposed to be right now. You're the one who's supposed to help.

So help them.

You move. Your arms are noodly, but you manage to wrap them around your stardust's ribs. You curl your fingers into the folds of his cloak to keep your trembling arms in place.

"Oh. Uh, hey, hey, Loop?"

You press closer still, legs pushing weakly against the ground. It takes more effort than you thought you had left at your disposal, but somehow you manage it. You heave yourself up into your stardust's lap, legs sprawling limply on either side of his hips. The slightly higher vantage point makes it difficult to keep your face at their neck, so you don't. You press what would be your nose and mouth against the side of their head instead.

It hurts, it hurts...

Your stardust squeaks at the change, their grip stuttering against you. They tense, keeping you both upright, and you hear them swallow audibly, breath catching. His face is so, so, so close to yours.

"Siffrin?" they whisper, shakily. "Wh-what are you doing? Can you hear me?"

You squeeze them with your arms and thighs. As much of a hug as you can give. It's weak. You're exhausted. You're in pain. But you're here. With them. Comforting in turn. It's only fair.

"Oh, oh, ooookay." The sounds are mumbled almost directly into the light of your cheek. "Wow. Um. Haha. Okay. Okay." You're squeezed back. It's nice. It's so nice. You could stay like this forever. "If– if words are too hard right now, can you, um. Look at me? Just so that I know you're aware of what you're doing?"

Ah. You realize you've had your eyes closed since who knows when. That explains why you haven't been seeing anything. Ha. Haha. Silly Loop. Siffrin. Whoever. You refuse to decide yet.

But you do open your eyes.

Immediately, the moment you do so, a burning pain radiates out from the blind side of your face. What. What? It hurts. It hurts a lot!!! You gasp and moan, pressing your head instinctively against the nearest thing, which happens to be your stardust's cheek. Why, why, why does it hurt?

"Okay, okay," you hear your stardust mutter quietly, hands finding a place at your waist. "That's pain, right? Please be a moan of pain. Please. Haha. I– I cannot take the other kind of moan right now. Stars."

Through the pain, it dawns on you that it would be kind of funny to maybe moan again. A little gift for your stardust. So you do, quietly, right in his ear. Hahaha. Ouch.

Why are you like this?

A fuzzy tremble rakes up their frame and you hear them utter a breathy, "Ohh-kay."

Ah, nevermind, worth it.

One of his hands drags up to your neck, then to the base of your head. Nnnnng. You don't have much in the way of sensation wherever your body is light, current pain notwithstanding, but you can tell where your stardust's fingers are making contact. He supports your neck with his palm and your head with his fingers.

You feel, once more, like a held, kept thing. Your brain tells you to go limp again, so you do.

You let your stardust manhandle you.

"This is fine," they say to themselves as their arms support you. "This is normal. This is soooo fine and normal. Haha. Ha. Ohh. I'm feeling so so very... normal... about all of this."

Words finally bubble up in your non-existent throat. "Mnn... goo' for you."

"Loop!" he startles, fingers twitching against you. "Or um. Siffrin? Are– are you... how are you?"

What a silly question.

You're doing bad.

"Ba," you huff.

Their arms squeeze tighter, briefly. It's still nice, so long as you ignore the pain. You stare blankly at his cheek and try to pretend the burning fire licking up your face is just background noise.

"Right," your stardust chuckles faintly. "Yeah, okay. Stupid, silly question. I get it. You're doing, um. Not good."

Understatement.

"I'm just– I think you hurt yourself? Maybe kind of badly? I'm going to take a closer look, okay."

Super.

"I've got you," he mumbles, quietly, like he's encouraging himself. "I've got you."

His hands support your back and head. They lean forward, and you let yourself fall back, slumping into his arms fully. Your own arms tumble loosely at your sides. You see your stardust for the first time in what feels like forever as they gently lower you down to the ground.

Your stardust's face is flushed and they are so, so focused on you and you see their lips and nose and eye and– and– and–

And there's an iridescent, shimmering something on the side of his face and all along his neck and shoulder. It's bright and strange and it reminds you of starlight and your head HURTS and–

"Oh Loop," your stardust says, and he sounds heartbroken.

One of their hands hovers near your face, your blind side, not touching. It seems wrong. Even with your half vision, you can see the way their hand glimmer strangely as it gets close. Like the light of your face is way too bright on that side, like it's staining him.

It hurts. You hurt. Stars, you used to be so much better with pain but this HURTS. SO MUCH. What happened?

What did you do?

"What did you do?" your stardust echoes softly.

Ha. Haha!

"Stars," they mutter, distraught, hands hovering. You realize they're straddling you, and you can't even enjoy the novelty of the experience because your HEAD HURTS SO MUCH. "Okay, okay. It's okay. This isn't permanent. It's not. I can fix this."

"Wha'," you manage, dizzy, face flayed open. "Wha's wrong?"

"Oh, um." The shimmering substance on your stardust's face makes him look otherworldly. You try try try to focus on that instead of the pain. "I think you gouged out your own eye?"

...What.

"Or tore something in your face... light. Or both. It's hard to tell." Your stardust picks up one of your hands and holds it like you're something precious and pathetic in equal measure. "It's so bright. It's like your light is spilling out. It's okay though. It's fine. I can fix this."

You squeeze his hand. What. What?

"I'm sorry I couldn't stop you earlier," they say, voice going strangely distant. "We were both freaking out a little, haha. It's fine. It's fine. I'm going to reset. You'll be fine."

What.

"I'll be quick," they say. They grip your hand tightly in one of theirs and fumble at their hip with the other for– for–

Wait.

"Stardust," you say. "No."

. . .

The dagger gleams.

"It's fine," he says. "It's fine, it's okay. I know, I know it's bad. I know you don't want me to. I know I'm not supposed to be able to. But it's okay. It's just going to be this one time. To reset. To fix this."

To fix... No, no, no–

"No. Don't."

"Siffrin," they say, to you.

Stars!!! If only you could THINK through the pain and dizziness.

They shift their grip on the dagger.

"Don't," you gasp, stupid and pathetic and broken. You fight for focus. Your vision swims. Your words are weak. "Don't do this, stardust."

He shakes his head, eye shining. "I'm not going to leave you like this. You're hurt. You're in pain. You can barely speak. You didn't even know what you were doing a few minutes ago. I don't– looping in town is too far away. I can make this better now. It'll be quick."

No, no, no. You try reaching for the dagger. Your fingers slip against his, weak and trembling. They leave behind more of that iridescent residue. Is that from you? Is that your blood?

You keen, animalistic and desperate.

Your stardust smiles. "It's okay. I die, we both loop, and then we... we can talk about this because I'm– I don't– you don't get to do this, haha. You don't get to tell me that you're me and then lose your mind like that. You don't."

You don't care. You don't care. "Please," you manage.

"I'm sorry. It'll be quick. I promise."

With one hand, they hold yours tightly, and with the other they grip the handle of their dagger. Your blood glimmers like stardust on his skin. You watch him smile, sweet and scared, his throat bared to you.

You.

Can do nothing.

But watch.

Him strike.

 

. . .

 

They are quick.

 

. . .

 

His death is not.

 

. . .

Somehow, you'd forgotten what real blood feels like. It's warm and sticky. There are splatters of it all over you. But the worst of the it is centered on your chest. Over your star crest. Where they had collapsed.

Your stardust lies on you, gurgling softly, slowly bleeding out.

You stare up at the distant canopy of leaves. Waiting.

Waiting.

Waiting.

Finally, after what feels like eternity, he stills.

The gurgling quiets.

And you

 

are

 

alone

 

with–

. . .

 

You are back at the base of the Favor Tree.

Notes:

chapter summary spoilers

• loop confesses to being "the first miserable siffrin that failed"
• during loop's confession, they begin to spiral, ultimately self-harming because in this moment, they feel they "deserve to hurt"
• siffrin manages to calm them down, only to realize exactly how hurt loop is
• siffrin decides they can "fix this" by resetting, and uses their dagger to do so
• chapter end

Chapter 12: Throat

Summary:

"This was mine first," you say blankly, gaze trained on his throat. "And the first thing you did after learning it was mine was to drive our dagger into it. Do you know how that makes me feel?"

Notes:

wow i am tired! but i'm eager to post this. next chapter isn't quite done yet, but it's feeling like it's in a decent place. i've also been watching a couple playthroughs of ISAT to remind myself of the Act 4 vibes. we're going to be going... in a similar direction, of course. until Act 5. :)

and!!! thank you sooooooooo much for the comments on the last chapter??? genuinely you guys are so awesome and i'm really having such a good time with this story. thank you for being along for the ride and for sharing your reactions. means the world to me! <3

This is a new spot for you.

You think about that, instead any of the other clamoring thoughts in your brain. New spot. Surprisingly sheltered. Your back is all nice and supported. And sure, the bark of the Favor Tree isn't the most comfy thing in the world, but ha! What's comfort, anyways? Warm arms and gentle touches and gurgling breaths– Oops! Careful there, Loop! That's a little to close to thinking about it!! Silly you~!

You do not know what your stardust is doing.

And!!!! That's fine!!!!

You are NOT tuning in, you are NOT waiting patiently, you are not doing ANYTHING, you are just here. In your new spot. Thinking about your new spot. How lovely, to have a new spot.

The Favor Tree looms overhead, as always.

Your new spot is great. It's new~! It's not quite at the front of the tree, not quite at the back. Because neither of those locations feel particularly good or safe right now. And, haha! That's fine!! For reasons that you're still not thinking about! This spot is around the side, close to where a certain person usually sits, a little hollow between two buttress roots. It looks out upon a slice of grass and trees that, from this angle, don't remind you of anything!

Especially not revealed secrets or gleaming daggers.

Ha!

Anyways!

You don't really have much recollection of sitting here, back against the tree, arms around your knees. But!!! Here you are!!! And it's nice!!! It's new!!! It's good!!!!

It is, unfortunately, a spot that is still perfectly within range of any voices calling out from the front of the Favor Tree.

"Hi Isa!" A certain person you are not thinking about sounds out of breath. "I need to do the Favor Tree thing!"

"Oh! Sorry, I'm in your way then, aren't I?" You're not listening. You're not. You're not. "I'll get out of your hair, see you at the Clocktower!!!"

A moment.

Another.

And–

"Loop," your stardust calls out.

Nope. No. No no, still not thinking about it, thank you. It has barely been!!!! Any time!!! At all!!!! Since your stardust learned and then stabbed–

"S-Siffrin?" they try, more hesitantly. "Are you here?"

Ahahahaha! Oh! Okay!!! Stars!!!! Maybe!!! It would probably be best for everyone involved if you are NOT called that name right now. You feel sick. A familiar acidic sensation drips down your shoulders. You think of soft, gurgling breaths. You've had!!!! No time!!!!! To fix yourself!!!!!!!

You hear footsteps. Rushed, then frantic, and then after a moment, cautious. There's the rustle of fabric. The scrape of something against bark. Getting closer. You duck your head. Would it be too much to hope that you are entirely hidden here and that your stardust gives up and leaves and you can figure out exactly how you feel and what you want and–

"Hey," your stardust says.

They are directly in front of you.

Stars.

Your head is tucked into your arms. Your eyes are closed. But it doesn't matter. Just because you can't see it doesn't mean it's not there. Your stardust is here, it's been a half-hour AT BEST since you told them who you are, gouged out your own eye, and then had him stab himself overtop of you.

Guess you ARE thinking about it, after all!!!

You snap your head up, giving him your best, most brilliant smile. You hope you shine with it.

"Stardust," you say, dragging out the name. "Welcome back!"

They stand there, a couple feet away, in this little hollow between two large roots. Their hat, their cloak... everything is in place. There is no blood gushing down his neck, no glimmering substance staining their face. It's gone. It's normal. Because that's how the loops work.

You realize, that as you were assessing them, he was assessing you in turn. You never did figure out exactly what you looked like at the end of the last loop. You weren't exactly at your best. Mentally. Or otherwise.

"This is a new spot," your stardust says after a tense moment of silence. They sound tired but relieved.

"Mhmm!!" How funny that you were just fixating on that very thing. "I figured, stars, why not switch things up. Again~! Since our last new spot was such a blinding success."

Your stardust opens his mouth, then closes it. His lips purse, their cheeks scrunch up, their brows furrow. You wait for the questions. You wait for him to tear into you.

"You seem... better," he says at last.

Oh.

Ohhh.

Okay.

Better?

Ha! Hahaha!

"Yes~," you tease out brightly. "Better! Look at me, haha! I'm aaaaall better!!" You stand up, slowly, supporting yourself against the trunk of the Favor Tree. "And it's thanks to you!!!"

He blinks, expression shuttering. "Right, um, we– we need to talk. Please?"

Oh. Ohhhhohoho. Your chest burns. There's a buzzing rush of noise in whatever it is you have as ears.

"Sure!" you chime. "Let's talk!"

You stumble a couple steps closer, reach out, and before your stardust can react, you twist your hands into the collar of his cloak.

"It's my turn," you sing, dragging them close. They gasp, nearly tripping over their feet. "So. How did suicide feel, you cutie patootie?"

"Hey, wait–"

"Was it nice?" you trill overtop of them. "Was is easy? Was it quick?"

"Siffrin–!"

You twist, reversing your positions, and slam your stardust back against the tree. They gasp again, hands scrambling up to your shoulders. You lean as close as you can get, as close as they let you, your light washing out his face into something pale and darkless.

"You don't get to call me that," you seethe. If you had breath, it would be gusting over his face. "No one does. Haha. Here's a little piece of advice for you: I'm not Siffrin anymore. I never will be, ever again. Just look at me." You tilt your head, the light playing strangely off your stardust's face. "I failed, and now you're here. I GAVE UP, and now you're... and now..."

You trail off. Your stardust peers at you, eye wide, hair tousled, lips parted.

"And now I'm Siffrin," he whispers.

"And now you're Siffrin," you echo, the acidic anger turning to something heavy and suffocating. "My sweet, suicidal Siffrin."

You slide a hand to their throat, fingers brushing against smooth, pristine skin. There is no sign of any ragged wound. Of course there isn't. It's perfect. But it all feels ruined, regardless.

He swallows, throat bobbing under your touch.

"This was mine first," you say blankly, gaze trained on his throat. "And the first thing you did after learning it was mine was to drive our dagger into it. Do you know how that makes me feel?"

You slot your thumb over their pulse point, feeling the rapid flutter-beat of their heart. (Your heart.) Your fingers curl lightly around his neck. (Your neck.) You hear him exhale, a weak, shaky thing that ghosts into the space between you. The hands on your shoulders tremble. You expect them to push you away, any moment now, but they don't.

Stars.

What are you doing?

Your head feels overbright. Your chest is this hollow, hungry thing. Your fingers buzz. Your stardust is all quiet and...

"It makes me want to punish you," you mutter, feeling sick with it. "For doing this to me. For making me feel like this. For making all of my same mistakes."

Your hand presses more firmly against his throat. You watch in muddled awe as they tilt their head back against the Favor Tree, letting you have your way.

Stars...

You want to squeeze tighter. You want to hear them gasp your name, either of your names, regardless of everything you've just said. Why are you like this? WHY are you doing this? Why are they letting you do this?

"You were supposed to be better than me," you say mournfully.

Your stardust swallows again. You feel it, intimately, against your hand. You drag your gaze up to meet theirs. He's looking at you, head tilted back, eye half-lidded.

"Better?" His voice is whisper-quiet and hoarse. It buzzes through your palm. "How was I supposed to be better?"

How?

Because– because... you were...

Because you were here, helping them.

One of their hands retreats from your shoulder, until his trembling fingers wrap around your wrist. His gaze is intent. Their throat works underneath your hand.

"Tell me," your stardust pleads. "How do I make this better? What am I supposed to do?"

. . .

Ha. Haha...

You see, now. You get it, now.

What a blinding tragedy this is.

How are they supposed to be better when it's YOU telling them what to do. When they ARE you, and you're him, and you're both working from the same rotted foundation. How deluded you were, to think they'd somehow rise above that. Did you forget?

Stupid, silly Loop.

You're the same person.

"Oh stardust," you say, dropping all pretense of a voice. You also drop your hands away from them, though your stardust keeps a hold of your wrist. The palm of your hand burns. "Do you really think I know what we're supposed to do? I don't. I haven't known in ages. If I did... we wouldn't be here, would we?" You look away. "All I ever managed was to figure out what not to do."

Your stardust takes both of your hands in his. It's unfair. You hate this, you hate every part of what's happened. You hate how this simple gesture still has the ability to warm your chest and calm your thoughts.

"Can we start there, then?" he asks, voice still a bit hoarse. "On what I'm not supposed to do?"

"Ha."

"I'm... I'm serious. I want to know."

"It's not a short list, stardust."

"That's okay," they say, squeezing your hands. "I... I'll spend all loop here, with you, if that's how long it takes. Multiple loops, even."

Really? You know that's a lie. You think of a loop spent at the top of the Favor Tree, a burst of distant light, a scream of anguish. "Wouldn't you rather be spending that time with your family? You still have one, you know."

They look a little pained at your words. His head ducks, briefly, before he seemingly rallies.

"Starshine," he says, and you freeze. "You just told me that we're the same person and that you've been in these loops before." They look at you through their lashes. "Did you really think I would just go back to doing the loops like nothing changed? Of course I'm going to spend time with you."

Oh, how lovely. How awful. But more importantly–

"What did you just call me?"

Your stardust can't seem to meet your eyes.

"Starshine?" they say again, voice a little flustered. "It's... I was just trying it out. It doesn't have to stick if you don't like it."

Oh.

Um?

"It's not bad," you say, pitch rising despite yourself. "But what gives? I have a name. I picked it myself. And isn't starshine is a little bit too close to..."

"To what?"

A pet name. Something said to a partner.

Stars!!! Why are you STILL thinking like this? It doesn't mean anything! Especially not that! You need to remember that they know who you are now.

"Too close to stardust!" you say brightly. "Are you copying me? You are, aren't you?"

They duck their head.

"Awww! How adorable! Hehe." You smile, swinging your hands between you two. "Does my cutie patootie little stardust want matching nicknames~?"

"I know what you're doing," he says, face flushed.

"Doesn't stop me from doing it," you say, freeing one of your hands to boop them on the nose. "Doesn't stop it from working~"

Your stardust bats your hand away, releasing your other hand in the process. They lean back against the Favor Tree in a weary slump. His face is still a little dark. You see him take a deep breath in, and out.

"Doesn't stop me from ignoring it," he says, looking somewhere off to your side. "So yes, I'm copying you. Let's go with that. If you don't want to be my starshine, tell me in normal words."

Mm!!!! Okay!!!!

"Wow!!" you say, snapping a hand up in front of your non-mouth. "So bold!! So cringe!! So possessive!!"

"Normal words," they repeat, grumbling.

Urgh.

"...sure, stardust," you relent, hand dropping. "Why not. Let's match. I'll be your starshine."

It doesn't mean anything.

Still, he smiles.

"Can we talk then, starshine? Please?"

... Stars above, you can't really say no, can you? Not when he's looking at you like that. Not after everything that's happened. Not after everything you've done.

You sigh. And then step next to your stardust and sit down. It's a tighter fit here, between these roots, but you make it work. You tap the ground at your stardust's feet.

"Sit with me?" you say.

He sits next to you.

"Are you really going to skip this loop?" you ask. "Let your party climb the House, alone, just to die?

He hums, leaning back against the tree. "No, I... not the whole way. I'll reset before they go to the House."

You think of the dagger, hidden away under their cloak.

"How... thoughtful of you."

The wind rustles the leaves. The grass sways. You settle, waiting, hands in your lap.

You hear your stardust take a breath.

"Did you ever do it?" they ask, head tilting your way. "Skip loops like this?"

Ah. Somehow not the question you were expecting. "No stardust. I wasn't exactly experimenting much back then."

Your stardust looks at you for a long moment. Distantly, you hear the birds chirp. You close your eyes, waiting for more.

"Can you tell me about them?" your stardust asks at last. "Your loops?"

You sigh.

"There really isn't much to say." You pull a leg up, resting your arm against your knee. "They were like yours, but worse. I defeated the King, found myself still trapped, then gave up."

Another moment of silence.

"It can't have been just that," they say softly.

You laugh, a short barking sound. You thunk your head back against the Favor Tree. "What do you want me to say? Lie about how much progress I made? I didn't know what I was doing, stardust. I didn't have a helpful Loop to guide me. I took for~ever to get to the King."

"But you did get to him," he says.

"I did."

"And then you fought him."

You make a noise. Something between agreement and disgust. You fought the King. That you sure did.

"And then," you stardust continues. "You died."

"And then I died," you echo bitterly. "One hit."

You hear them breathe in, and out. "The King's first attack... hurts. I remember being surprised by how much it hurt. It felt unfair."

Hah! Your stardust doesn't know how ironic that is. Nothing's fair here.

You stay silent.

"So then..." His voice is hesitant. He seems to have realized you've foisted the task of recounting the loops over to them. "You helped Mira figure out the shield?"

Ah, you can't help but laugh, again. It sounds bitter and broken. Poor Loop. Poor starshine. Felled by the very first hurdle.

"Nope," you say mirthlessly. "I did not."

You blink your eyes open and look out into the shrubbery that surround the Favor Tree. You can't see your stardust this way, not with them on your blind side, but you can guess at what they probably look like. Confused. Maybe worried.

"Then... what did you do?" he asks.

Easy.

"I fought the King."

"Again?"

And again, and again, and again. You nod.

"Without the shield?"

"Without the shield."

He sounds perplexed. You hear him shift at your side. Stars, you didn't want to get into just how bad you were at the loops. How little you did. How much you repeated it.

"When... did you figure out that you needed a shield?"

Stars. You press a hand against your face. "Oh, ha. Haha. Silly stardust. We don't need the shield spell to defeat the King."

"We... don't?"

"We don't!" you say brightly, fingers curling, buzzing numbness spreading. "You just need to be strong enough to survive that first hit~!"

You feel a grip on your wrist, pulling your hand away from your face. You blink your eyes open, not realizing you'd let them close again, and you look back at your stardust. His face is pinched, nervous.

He keeps hold of your wrist.

"Strong enough..." they say. "Starshine, even I'm not that strong yet, and I've been looping for–"

"For months," you interrupt, smiling. It'll be the big one-double-oh soon. Your stardust's first major milestone. You're so proud of them.

They look disturbed now.

"How... long were you looping for?" he asks.

How long.

Ha.

Haha.

"Guess!" you say, grinning brightly.

You watch the way his face goes blank. The grip on your wrist tightens. It feels like something has lodged itself under your sternum. Your face aches with the grin you maintain.

"Starshine," they say, staring at you. "Years?"

They sound devastated.

... Why?

It's just a word. Years. It's fine. It's whatever. You never really let yourself think too much about the time frame of the loops while it was still only you who was looping. With your stardust, it got easier to think in days, weeks, months. But years? Years. What it represents... Is it better or worse than the actual number of loops you did?

It doesn't matter.

Years is accurate. Years is vague enough. And sure, the concept makes you feel like a failure, but what else is new here? It's not devastating.

"Years!" you say, several ticks delayed. "You got it!"

. . .

You somehow find yourself with a lap full of stardust.

You flinch back against the Favor Tree, hands landing uselessly on your stardust's hips. Wow. Okay. Um. You feel raw and shaky and now there's weight against your thighs and bony elbows knocking into your ribs. It's... a little overwhelming, honestly. Your mind is torn between the need to push them away and pull him closer and you end up just siting there, chest and limbs buzzing.

"I'm sorry," they mumble. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry."

You don't know why they are apologizing. Maybe he just doesn't really know what else to say. His arms wrap around your shoulders, and the brim of their hat is smushed against what would be your chin. You think they're trembling, but it also might just be you.

Your stardust is hugging you.

... Again?

"Look at you," you say faintly. "All that touch therapy is paying off."

"Shut up," he says into your neck. "Shut up. I can't believe you. Shut up."

You shut up.

It goes quiet.

You hear the wind, the creak of the Favor Tree's branches, the shallow breaths of your stardust. Your entire body seems to warm up, gradually, as your stardust's body heat seeps through their clothes. Your hands creep around his waist, encircling him. You close your eyes. It's bad, and it's good, and too much, and not enough.

Somewhere along the way, your stardust has figured out how to give a good hug.

So... haha, maybe your stardust can pull off being better than you, even if you're the same person. That's– that's not so bad, is it? That means there's hope. That it won't be years for them. Not this time.

You try and relax into the embrace.

It's fine.

It's fine. It'll be okay. It's not ruined. Your stardust knows, and it's okay. You're not thinking about why you told him. You're not thinking about how you broke down. You're not thinking about his dagger or throat or the sick way you wanted to punish them. You're just...

You're here. With them. Helping, in whatever way you still can.

It's fine.

You squeeze your arms and your stardust squeezes back and it's just you, here, with yourself.

Chapter 13: Cheek

Summary:

Aaah you're in soooo much trouble.

You grin, helplessly. You should be feeling disgusted, guilty, ashamed for letting it get to this point. For encouraging your stardust. For manipulating them into feeling however they feel about you. It's not good. It's not healthy!!! But you smile and your chest feels bubbly, bright, buzzing.

It's been barely any time since he left.

Why do you want to see him again?

Notes:

ouugh. i feel like i'm limping over the finish line with this one. it's not my favorite thing i've ever written (the flow is a little off and there's some stuff i wish i'd tackled that i just couldn't make work), but hey it's definitely good enough. hopefully there's some parts that will even make you all um, have feelings. thoughts. ideas, even. who knows.

also, i am both sorry and not sorry for my abysmal chapter count planning on this fic. yes, it's gone up again. it surely cannot go higher than that. (please, for my own sanity.) but yeah, ha. it's fine. it's soooo fine. i know what i'm doing (a lie).

and thank you as always for the comments!!! it is so much fun to read what you have to say! and for the few of you who've shared some art with me on tumblr, do you know how cool you are???? hello!?? i love you all!!!

Your stardust ends up spending hours with you.

At some point in the waning hours of daylight, you both get back to talking.

"I spent almost all my time on the third floor," you find yourself admitting. Your stardust is still hugging you. If you think too much about your positions, how long you've been likely this, you'll combust.

"The third floor?" they mumble.

"The full loop is just sooooo tiring," you drawl. "Don't tell me you don't get exhausted running through all those lines? The dinner? The Clocktower?"

"Well..."

"I got sick of it," you say, desperately maintaining a light tone. "And I was so determined to beat the King, ha. So it just... Got to the point where I only ever looped back to my last safe area. So I could stay in the House, progressing. Getting stronger and stronger."

"That's..."

"It wasn't a conscious decision," you say. The words feel weightless, airy. "But it was the right one. I needed to fight the strongest Sadnesses. I needed to keep trying against the King. To defeat him."

He's quiet. You feel his chest rise and fall with carefully measured breaths.

"And then one day," you keep saying. Stop. This is enough. You don't need to say this. "I realized I hadn't seen the sun in ages. Haha. Isn't that silly?"

The loose hold around you tightens. "Starshine."

"I should have been able to just loop back. Back to the meadow. But I didn't. I... couldn't."

"You were stuck, weren't you?" your stardust whispers.

"I was stuck," you say lightly. "In the House."

Your stardust squeezes you again, tightly, before releasing you and sitting back on your thighs. His weight grounds you, even as you mourn the embrace. The brim of their hat is crumpled and their face is slightly flushed and his eye is bright and focused.

You slide your hands back to his hips.

They take a deep breath in, and out.

"I'm sorry," he says, voice low. "It's not fair that you had to go through that alone."

"Urgh, don't make it sound so tragic," you say. "I wasn't alone. I had... them. All of them."

The party. The family. The actors. They count, don't they? Even though you had forgotten their names... they counted. They had to.

You look away.

"It still isn't fair," your stardust says. "I wish I could've been there for you."

Your gut twists. Your chest buzzes. You don't know how to feel. It's... nice to hear, that sentiment, but something about it puts you on edge.

"You're so silly," you mutter. "That's not how this works. For you to have been there, in my loops, you would have had to be..."

Out of the corner of your eye, you see him smile ruefully. "The first Siffrin, I guess?"

"Mhm. It wouldn't solve anything," you say. You look back at him. "You'd be me. I would be you. Nothing would change. We'd be right back here, roles reversed, having this same conversation."

Their expression is hard to decipher. They seem to be staring right through you when they speak. "I'd be Loop. You'd be my little stardust."

... You're really not sure how to feel about that.

You try to smile.

"Exactly," you say with forced levity. You drag a hand away from his hip to tug at the brim of their hat, fixing the bend. It brings some focus back into his eye. "One of us had to be first, and the Universe decided it was me. So tough luck, stardust!"

He pouts, but you can tell it's just an act. "I can still wish it'd been different," they say.

Again, that uneasy feeling plinks against your mind. What is it? Is it something to do with your stardust's tone? The concept of your roles being reversed? The wording?

Wait.

"Wishes. The King said something about wishes, didn't he?" you say.

Your stardust blinks. "What?"

"Your last encounter with him." You tap your fingers against their hip. "He mentioned something... about Wish Craft? He seemed to imply you were using it?"

"He did," he says slowly. "What... what is Wish Craft? I've never heard of it before."

"Me neither," you say, that familiar feeling of uselessness rearing its head. "I wouldn't even know where to find information about it."

"Books," your stardust mumbles. "Maybe. It's not like I'm going to talk to the King again."

Good. You hate that blinding bastard.

"There's still some rooms to check," you agree lightly, almost gently. "I believe in you, stardust. I know you'll figure this out."

They sigh, rubbing at their face tiredly. Their words are all but muffled by their hands. "If you say so."

"Aww," you coo. "Are you sleepy?"

He wordlessly whines at you, eye scrunched shut. Adorable!!

"Awww!" you can't help but tease again. Stars, you're hopeless. "You're such a cutie, stardust! Do you need a nap? You do, don't you. I won't stop you if you want to rest here a bit more before returning to the script."

"You're soooo helpful," they mock.

"I really am!" you say, normally. "So! Nap time?"

Nap time.

Your stardust ends up curled into your side instead of on your lap. You secure them in place with an arm over his shoulders. You're not sure if they truly end up sleeping, exactly, but they at the very least fall into a light doze.

The hours pass.

The stars keep you company.

The only thing you really let yourself think about is the amount of physical contact you've had in the past several hours. You've never felt so grounded, so warm. You bask in the sensation. In the memory of it. Even the part of your mind that likes to tell you things like you don't deserve this or you're so creepy for liking it have quieted for the time being. It's nice. It's nice. You know it won't be nice forever, but it's nice right now.

An hour before sunrise, you prod your stardust awake.

Neither of you really talk as he gets ready to return to the stage. You pretend not to notice how slowly they move. How their expression gets more and more pinched, until dread is painted blatantly across his face. What good would it be for you to comment on it? You know it's bad. You know he doesn't want to go back. But they have to.

That's their role.

You wave at him gently.

He departs the Favor Tree.

. . .

The first, faint hints of dawn bleed along the eastern horizon. You hear the buzz of a nearby insect.

You sit, quietly, hands clasped in your lap. Waiting.

As you expected, several minutes later, the world glitches and shudders. The banana peel. You blink through the disorientation of the world resetting around you and find yourself seated once more at your usual spot under the Favor Tree.

The sun is now just above the treeline. It's bright beyond the edge of the canopy. Eastern horizon. So... it's mid-morning?

Your stardust looped ahead.

They are back in the House.

And you're here.

Alone.

Okay.

Okay.

You squeeze your hands together, fingers interlocking. You stare blankly at the root across from you.

That went... well?

That went well. You... you did good, right? You talked! You could have been much, much worse... and, well, you WERE worse at first, but you got better. You dug yourself out of that stupid, pathetic pit of self-loathing long enough to have a conversation.

And now your stardust knows.

He knows who you are. You told them to guess, and he did, and he figured it out. They know, and you talked, and...

They...

They don't hate you.

They don't hate you?

He called you his starshine.

Your chest buzzes and your face feels overbright and you tap your toes against the ground. It... it feels like things should be a LOT worse right now. That something bad should have happened, that something bad WILL happen, any moment now. Because. Because... they KNOW, and you talked, and you told him things you've never told anyone before, because how could you? Who could you have talked to? You had been stuck in a timeloop. But now THEY'RE here, and they're you, and you talked, and– and...

And it was fine?

You still feel like something horrible should have happened. Something horrible DID happen – he used the dagger, how could you forget that? – but then you talked, after the dagger, and it got better? It was fine. It was even nice?

And they called you their starshine.

... Does he... does he still feel...?

. . .

Oh, you're in trouble.

You laugh, faintly, and who cares what kind of laugh it sounds like. It's not like you have an act you need to maintain anymore.

One of the few things you absolutely did NOT talk about was how you two feel. About each other. And that's for the best! It would have been embarrassing, life-ending, and quite possibly the most shameful thing to talk about in your entire life. Admitting you're the same person is one thing, admitting you KNEW all along you were the same person and STILL caught feelings is...

You wrap your arms around yourself, reminiscent of a hug.

Does he still feel the same?

It's... you can't read his mind. You never could. But it used to be so easy to guess what they were thinking. It used to be easy to map your own feelings onto theirs and know it'd be the same.

It stopped being easy a little while ago. You're not sure when.

But... you think about a breathy 'okay', whispered into the side of your face. You think about a half-lidded stare as you had your way with them. You think about his weight on your thighs and a hug that lasted for hours.

You think about being called their starshine.

Is it crazy to think that your stardust... might still feel the same? That he might still WANT you?

Ah.

Aaah you're in soooo much trouble.

You grin, helplessly. You should be feeling disgusted, guilty, ashamed for letting it get to this point. For encouraging your stardust. For manipulating them into feeling however they feel about you. It's not good. It's not healthy!!! But you smile and your chest feels bubbly, bright, buzzing.

Hehehe, wow! What is this? What IS this? It's making you feel giddy. Why are you so restless?? So fidgety???

It's been barely any time since he left.

Why do you want to see him again?

Mmnnrnmnghhegrh.

You tap your feet. You bounce your knee. You rub your hands up and down your arms and imagine a different, identical set of hands doing the same. Would they be gentle? Or would they rake their nails down your arms? If he made you bleed, would it still look like starlight? Would your stardust let it stain him, if you asked kindly enough? His skin. His lips. Their tongue.

Would he want to taste it?

. . .

Stars~! You're soooo weird, hahahaha. Stop being gross. Stop thinking freaky, disgusting thoughts. Teehee!

You stand up, shake out your arms, and climb the Favor Tree.

Yes. Okay. You want to see your stardust again, but he has a role to play, and figuring out the loops is immeasurably more important than your silly, creepy, narcissistic feelings. And sure, maybe he still likes you, a little, but there's no way they'd like any of that.

It's fine. You've gotten good at waiting. The sunshine at the top of the Favor Tree greets you like an old friend.

. . .

It's a few hours before you feel the disorientating rush of time skipping ahead. You check in briefly, and see that your stardust is on the second floor now. You tune out long before he they make it to the library.

Time passes. The sun is bright overhead.

You miss him.

There's another small blip of time readjusting around you.

You stare at the clouds.

You miss them.

And then another, time rolling back.

You listen to the rustle of the leaves in the wind.

You miss them.

You're not sure how much 'time' passes like this, what with things skipping and jumping and resetting. The sun is low on the eastern horizon, then it's in the west, then it's back directly overhead. But... you count the loops. For some reason, that has always come easily to you.

Loop ninety-eight brings your stardust down a wide hall to a strange, starry door. You've seen it before – your stardust has poked at it more than once. And you're sure you must have encountered it at some point during your own loops but... you don't remember.

Your stardust reads something above the door, responds in a language both familiar and unknowable, and the door clicks open.

... This is new.

You clasp your hands together and lean your face against your thumbs and fingers and wait.

There's a book. A diary. Your stardust has the Housemaiden read it. She takes her time, skimming through pages, summarizing what she gleans from them, and then finally reads aloud some passages. It's... it's about a sad man that yearns for something impossible, and the means to make that impossible thing a reality.

Wish Craft.

And...

That story...

Thinking about it too much makes your head ache. It's funny. It's familiar, almost. Why is it funny? Why is it familiar? You drag your hands down to the back of your neck and tilt your face towards the sun and you think and think and think and you try to remember but you can't and...

And...

Your stardust runs into a tear.

The world catches and freezes and rewinds back, back, back–

You...

. . .

Huh? Huh! You startle and look around. Favor Tree. Root. Afternoon? Did your stardust loop back? They did, didn't they. You breathe in, and out, even though you don't need to. Your brain seems strangely full of cotton.

Loop ninety-nine.

You shake out your arms. You stretch your legs. It's the afternoon of the first day. Your stardust is back in Dormont. They had just... read a book? About something. Wish Craft? A story about a sad man wanting something? The details escape you.

You must have been zoning out.

... Oh well!

You're sure your stardust will tell you all about it soon enough.

Why else loop back here?

(You hope, hope, hope it's because he wants to spend time with you, talk with you, touch you. But you don't think that. Because that would be embarrassing.)

. . .

You don't have to wait long.

Your stardust rushes through the dialogue with the Fighter, skipping the joke, again. As soon as the Fighter is out of sight, they approach the Favor Tree with eager steps.

You smile, happy, happy, happy. "Hi stadust–"

"Starshine!!!!!"

Oh! Whoa!! Okay!!!! He doesn't even sit down. That's new! Your stardust stands, one hand against the trunk of the Favor Tree, looming over you with an ecstatic expression on his face.

You lean back, just a bit, hand snapping up in front of your mouth in surprise. "Whoa! Y-yes?"

"You heard it, didn't you?" Their expression softens, a faint blush dusting his cheeks.

"Heard what? You know, I don't actually spy on you all the ti–"

He interrupts you. "I found it! Wish Craft!!!"

"Wish Craft," you say. You feel pinned by their stare. Something buzzes in your throat. "So it's–"

"I found it in a book, starshine!" Interrupted, again. Your stardust drops their hand from the tree, but he doesn't stop leaning into your space. He grins, overjoyed, manic. "The writer said they wanted to create a whole new body, and used Wish Craft for it! Haha! Wish Craft made their wish come true!!!"

Was that... what you missed? "Create a whole new body? That's–"

"Impossible, right?" He reaches forward, and you barely have any warning before they grab one of your hands, holding it firmly between his own. He smiles at you, intent and bright and hungry. "But they did it, with Wish Craft! It's real, it has to be!!!"

Okay! Okay!! Ohhohoh okay~! You take an unnecessary breath. Your hand and stomach and face feel warm. This is a LOT of attention on you, and you're aware that um. Well. This is... quite a bit of joy for what sounds like a pretty basic discovery? Didn't the both of you talk about Wish Craft just a few loops ago? Was there really so that much doubt in its existence that your stardust is THIS happy that they got a simple confirmation it's real?

You haven't been able to get a full sentence out since your stardust got here. But... you try and meet them where they are.

"A Craft that can do the impossible, hm?" you muse. "So that could be why–"

"Why I'm looping in time!"

Yes. And– "And why the King can freeze people in time, as well?"

Your stardust's eye goes wide, like the idea hadn't occurred to them yet. He squeezes your hand tightly. You look at his face – cheeks flushed, mouth slightly open, hair a mess, eye gleaming. There's hope there, you think. Fragile and frenzied. You want to cradle it, cradle him, in your hands. Keep it safe. Keep him yours.

You laugh, tugging your hand – your stardust – towards yourself.

"Sit," you say. "Come on stardust. This is big, isn't it? Sit down, take a moment."

They sit next to you eagerly, leg swinging over the root to straddle it. You turn to face him. He'd let go of your hand to sit, but the moment they settle, they grab at it again, this time slotting his fingers in between yours.

Your chest seems to flutter.

"You did good," you tell them. "This is a new lead."

You're not sure how much that's true, but the way your stardust seems to melt at your words means it doesn't matter. You're helping. Helping him.

"Finally, right?" he says, smiling unabashedly at you.

You reach your free hand out and brush aside messy strands of hair. He flinches slightly, then leans into the touch, eye fluttering shut.

Stars. He's perfect.

"Finally indeed," you say softly.

Their face is warm against your fingers. You want to linger. To toy with them. His lips look soft and his cheeks are flushed and you could poke and prod and press and your stardust would probably let you. Would probably like it.

Nnnnnmngg.

"I'm so proud of you," you say and you pull your hand away before you can do something stupid. Not now. Maybe another loop. "You're doing so good. You're figuring this out."

Your stardust huffs a sigh and blinks open their eye. He still seems a little dazed, but the earlier mania appears to have faded. They blink a few more times, then level you with a slight smile as they squeeze your hand.

"Thanks," he says. "I don't know what I'd do without you."

Heh. Haha. Gratitude. Gross. You feel all gooey.

"Is that so?" you say brightly. "Well then stardust, do you want me to tell you what to do next?"

They grumble and tuck their chin into the collar of their cloak. He gazes up at you, waiting.

"I think you know," you singsong at them. You raise a pointed finger. "Find more information. So, not to send you on another book chase, but..."

"More books," he sighs.

"More books."

Your stardust closes his eye. He seems to wilt. Any signs of that previous mania, that blissful joy, gone. Rotted by the notion of returning to the House. They don't want to go.

They don't want to go.

You don't want them to go either.

"It's okay, stardust," you whisper. "You don't have to go back to the House just yet. There's no rush. You have time."

He breathes. "It's fine," he says. "I'm fine."

"I know."

"I'm just tired."

"I know."

"Starshine, I'm..."

They trail off, hand squeezing yours tight, tight, tight. You squeeze back. He trembles. You wait.

"It's..." His face scrunches up, eye closing even tighter than before. "It's going to be... I've been here for almost..."

He dances around the number. You don't. "One hundred loops. I know."

"I don't know why... you did it for so much longer. I don't know why I'm..."

Oh. Oh. You brush your free hand down his face again, gently, trying to sooth away the tension. "Milestones hurt," you say roughly. "It's not a competition."

He doesn't say anything to that. They just breathe, in and out, and in and out. You want to breathe with them, for them, push air into his lungs, then reach into his chest and squeeze. You want to make his breath your own.

"Stardust," you say. "I... I promise you, you're so, so much closer to breaking out of this than I ever was."

"How do you know?" they whisper.

You don't.

But!!! But!!!!

Looking at them, small and tired and on the edge of breaking... does it matter? You'll say anything to see them regain some measure of peace. Even if it's a lie.

"I just do," you say. "Universe knowledge. I know you're close! I know you'll get out of here. I believe in you, stardust! The loops have an end, I promise." You pause, an idea coming to mind. "A-and stardust, look at me."

Your stardust cracks his eye open, looking at you. You smooth your hand down their face once more, this time stopping to cup their cheek.

"One more loop," you say, barely giving yourself any time to think. "Go through the House. Find what you can. And then come back here. We'll celebrate your hundredth loop together."

"Together?" he breathes.

"Together," you say. "You can spend the whole loop here, like before. For however long you want. We... we can do whatever you want. Anything you want. I won't even judge you for it, haha. It'll just be you and me. No script. No actors. Just... us."

Your stardust looks at you like you're holding his life in your hands. "One more loop?" they murmur.

You smile, thumb brushing the edge of their eyepatch.

"One more loop. And then you can rest. For as long as you need."

. . .

The loops will continue after that, of course. But you don't mention it.

It wouldn't be helpful.