Chapter Text
20:37
+XX XXX XXX 892 has added +XX XXX XXX 635 to the chat
+XX XXX XXX 892 has added +XX XXX XXX 896 to the chat
+XX XXX XXX 892 has added +XX XXX XXX 895 to the chat
+XX XXX XXX 892 has added +XX XXX XXX 894 to the chat
+XX XXX XXX 892 has added +XX XXX XXX 893 to the chat
+XX XXX XXX 892 has added +XX XXX XXX 891 to the chat
+XX XXX XXX 892 has added +XX XXX XXX 890 to the chat
+XX XXX XXX 892 has added +XX XXX XXX 889 to the chat
+XX XXX XXX 892 has added +XX XXX XXX 888 to the chat
+XX XXX XXX 892 has named the chat ‘awesome chat??’
+XX XXX XXX 892: Hi everyone!!
+XX XXX XXX 896: wtf is this
+XX XXX XXX 890: A scam.
+XX XXX XXX 893: really?? not again
+XX XXX XXX 893: you think they’d leave you alone the first time you sign up for their pyramid scheme but noooo
+XX XXX XXX 892: thats a bit concerning
+XX XXX XXX 892: but this is NOT a scam!!!
+XX XXX XXX 890: That’s exactly what a scammer would say.
+XX XXX XXX 893: can confirm
+XX XXX XXX 893: but at least Alice from Minnesota was nice to me
+XX XXX XXX 891 has left the chat
+XX XXX XXX 891 has blocked this chat and reported spam
+XX XXX XXX 892: I didn’t even get to explain myself 🥹🥹
+XX XXX XXX 892: Anyways hi everyone, I’m Lee Felix!
+XX XXX XXX 892 has changed their name to Felix ☀️
Felix ☀️: I added you here because you have the 4 (my lucky number) digits above and below my number!!
Felix ☀️: I’m hoping to make some friends!
+XX XXX XXX 890: Do you regularly give out your full name to strangers or are you just really old
Felix ☀️: Nope! I’m 21, not that old yet!
Felix ☀️: Besides, you all thought I was a scammer so I thought this way you could trust me more
+XX XXX XXX 889: what’s this
+XX XXX XXX 888: ooo new group chat! anyway you’re welcome, you’ve just been blessed by my wonderful presence
+XX XXX XXX 896: 🤨
+XX XXX XXX 635: Hi Felix! Nice to meet you. The same goes for everyone else here too. I’m always open to getting to know more people, so I hope everyone stays!
+XX XXX XXX 890: If Felix isn’t the really old guy, this person is.
+XX XXX XXX 635: Wait why?! I’m not old!
+XX XXX XXX 888: you do give off old man vibes
+XX XXX XXX 635: No I don’t!
+XX XXX XXX 889: I think it’s the long, punctuated paragraphs, ahjussi
+XX XXX XXX 896: but it’s ok
+XX XXX XXX 896: we can pretend you’re young if that helps your end-of-life-crisis
+XX XXX XXX 635: what do you mean
+XX XXX XXX 635: end of life
+XX XXX XXX 635: I’m literally not that old
+XX XXX XXX 896: https://www.samsungnc.com/eng/main/main.html
+XX XXX XXX 896: you can thank me later
+XX XXX XXX 635: I have never felt more attacked than right now.
+XX XXX XXX 893: call me stupid but why is 635 on this chat??
+XX XXX XXX 893: if it’s just above and below 892
…. ….
AUSSIE AUSSIE AUSSIE Private Chat
Members: +XX XXX XXX 892, +XX XXX XXX 635
Lix: CHRIST WHAT DO I SAY
Chan: Christ?!?
Lix: *CHRIS
Lix: NOT THE TIME
Lix: I WILL CALL YOU TOPHER FOR THE NEXF 20 YEARS IF YOU DONT HELP
Chan: okay okay!! It’s alright, Felix! Anything you say will probably sound suspicious.
Lix: thanks…
Chan: No not like that! You can use that to your advantage.
Chan: Make it mildly awkward and relatable and they won’t suspect that we’re already friends!
Lix: like what??
Chan: oh good point
Chan: uhhh
…. ….
awesome chat??? Chat
Felix ☀️: oh good point
Felix ☀️: uhhhh
Felix ☀️: basically I sneezed while typing the number in
Felix ☀️: and yk the feeling where your eyes are all watery for ages after
Felix ☀️: I thought I typed the right number but obviously I didn’t and now kicking 635 out feels mean
+XX XXX XXX 896: So wait… you were sneezing, your eyes were watering, and you thought the best thing to do was add a random number the chat?
Felix ☀️: ….
Felix ☀️: Yes
+XX XXX XXX 893: yeah checks out
+XX XXX XXX 896: kicking out a man on his deathbed is a bit cruel anyway
+XX XXX XXX 635: Hey!
+XX XXX XXX 635: But don’t kick me out pls
+XX XXX XXX 895: What is this?? this is actually pathetic
+XX XXX XXX 895: Imagine having to text strangers to find friends…thats just sad
+XX XXX XXX 888: oh HELL NAH
+XX XXX XXX 888: get this guy outta here
+XX XXX XXX 895: i’m just stating what everyone else is thinking
+XX XXX XXX 895: dont get upset with the facts
+XX XXX XXX 635: Felix can text all the strangers they want! It’s not pathetic
+XX XXX XXX 893: KICK THIS CLOWN
+XX XXX XXX 889: this may be a scam, but this is MY scam. don’t insult it
+XX XXX XXX 890: ^^^
+XX XXX XXX 896: ^^^
+XX XXX XXX 888: ^^^
+XX XXX XXX 893: ^^^
Felix ☀️ has removed +XX XXX XXX 895 from the chat
Felix ☀️: thanks guys
Felix ☀️: I guess I should have expected that someone would be rude
Felix ☀️: it is a silly idea after all
+XX XXX XXX 635: Don’t let one person’s opinion change what you think, Felix.
+XX XXX XXX 890: As much as I have my suspicions regarding the scam-iness of this, it’s been quite entertaining so far
+XX XXX XXX 890: So I’d like to keep this going
+XX XXX XXX 893: yessss new friends
+XX XXX XXX 893: and as the saying goes sometimes you’ve gotta leap before you look
+XX XXX XXX 889: I don’t think that’s what the saying is
+XX XXX XXX 889: but regardless this can be good for all of us
+XX XXX XXX 889: maybe not financially, depending on how this goes, but mentally, also maybe not!
+XX XXX XXX 896: I love your confidence
Felix ☀️: okay, thanks guys!
Felix ☀️: now that we want to keep the chat going, i’m gonna make you all admins!
Felix ☀️: this is going to be great!
+XX XXX XXX 896: is it
Felix ☀️ has made all chat members admins
+XX XXX XXX 893 has renamed the chat to ‘Hot Singles in Your Area’
…. ….
03:25
+XX XXX XXX 894: what
Notes:
Once I figure out how to change this all to look like text messages, I will be unstoppable.
Can you guess who is who? Hope you enjoyed!
Chapter 2: prodigal stranger returns
Summary:
Previously on Hot Singles in Your Area (Please don’t report spam)
Felix ☀️: now that we want to keep the chat going, i’m gonna make you all admins!
Felix ☀️: this is going to be great!+XX XXX XXX 896: is it
Felix ☀️ has made all chat members admins
+XX XXX XXX 893 has renamed the chat to ‘Hot Singles in Your Area’03:25
+XX XXX XXX 894: what
…. ….
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
…. ….
Hot Singles in Your Area
03:25
+XX XXX XXX 894: what
+XX XXX XXX 888: THE PRODIGAL STRANGER RETURNS
+XX XXX XXX 889: I thought you were a myth
Felix ☀️: OMG YOU’RE HERE HI
+XX XXX XXX 894: i wake up to over 50 messages from random scam accounts
Felix ☀️: not a scam!!
+XX XXX XXX 635: Hi! Welcome to the chat. Sorry, we kind of just…started this thing, we’re all a little excited
+XX XXX XXX 890: By we, you mean “Felix”
+XX XXX XXX 894: and on top of that some guy gets bullied out of the chat
+XX XXX XXX 888: DESERVED
Felix ☀️: NOT BULLIED
Felix ☀️: He was mean first 😭😭
+XX XXX XXX 894: hot singles in my area? seriously?
+XX XXX XXX 894: feels like a scam. im reporting
+XX XXX XXX 894 has renamed the chat to ‘Scam likely’
Felix ☀️: WAIT NO ITS NOT LIKE THAT
Felix ☀️ has renamed the chat to ‘Hot Singles in Your Area (please don’t report spam)’
Felix ☀️: the rest of the chat can back me up!! It’s not a scam!!
+XX XXX XXX 888: are you talking about us???
+XX XXX XXX 888: hmmmmmmmmm
+XX XXX XXX 890: I think the general consensus is that you’re sus, but we keep you around for the drama
+XX XXX XXX 888: I BRING I BRING ALL THE DRAMAMAMAMA
+XX XXX XXX 893: AESPA MENTION?!?
+XX XXX XXX 888: I love you.
+XX XXX XXX 888: wait is this the part where we trauma bond or
+XX XXX XXX 893: wait until after we exchange names at least
+XX XXX XXX 890: it’s always the Aespa fans
+XX XXX XXX 893: HEY
Felix ☀️: we don’t bully here guys!!!
+XX XXX XXX 889: are you sure about that
+XX XXX XXX 894: if you’re scamming me, you’re doing a terrible job at it
+XX XXX XXX 890: I could scam someone if I wanted to
+XX XXX XXX 889: you would send ‘Good Evening, I am Your Friend In Need Of Money. Please Send.’
+XX XXX XXX 890: …
+XX XXX XXX 889: WHY DID YOU DM ME THAT YOU KNOW I WONT CLICK IT
+XX XXX XXX 635: I don’t think the chat is a scam!
Felix ☀️: see!! Thank you random stranger!
+XX XXX XXX 890: 635 has the online safety skills of an elder
+XX XXX XXX 890: their words don’t carry much weight here
+XX XXX XXX 635: Again? What is it with the old man thing?! I’m 24!!
+XX XXX XXX 888: doubtful
+XX XXX XXX 635: okay but who clicked on that “you’ve won a prize” ad while we were quite literally talking about scams?
+XX XXX XXX 888: why do you bring up old wounds
+XX XXX XXX 635: it was yesterday??
+XX XXX XXX 894: right… so if this ISNT a scam (which it is), why am I here?
Felix ☀️: A happy accident!!! Friendship!!! Fate!!!!
+XX XXX XXX 894: …no thanks
Felix ☀️: 🥲
Felix ☀️: please stay!!! We’re actually fun I promise!!!
+XX XXX XXX 894: seems unlikely
+XX XXX XXX 888: I’m hilarious, but idk about these guys
+XX XXX XXX 893: WHAT HAPPENED TO ‘I LOVE YOU’ 🥲
+XX XXX XXX 888: look it’s not me, it’s you
+XX XXX XXX 896: breakup speedrun??
+XX XXX XXX 889: I think we’re getting off track here-
Felix ☀️: yes
Felix ☀️: we’re on a mission guys 😤😤
Felix ☀️: we must stay focused brothers
+XX XXX XXX 890: operation keep random number in random group chat full of random numbers is a go!
Felix ☀️: I feel like you made that long on purpose
+XX XXX XXX 889: Operation Save The Stranger
+XX XXX XXX 888: operation seduce the skeptic
+XX XXX XXX 888: I’ll start
+XX XXX XXX 894: i’m right here you know
+XX XXX XXX 635: We could at least introduce ourselves first? It’d be weird to leave without knowing anything
+XX XXX XXX 890: It’d be weird to leave after knowing anything.
+XX XXX XXX 893: yeah if you learn our names you’re legally part of the chaos
+XX XXX XXX 889: group chat tax - emotional damage included
+XX XXX XXX 894: good point. if i leave now it’s just a normal gc exit. if i leave after introductions it’s personal.
Felix ☀️: SO YOU’RE STAYING?!
+XX XXX XXX 894: no
+XX XXX XXX 635: …But not leaving yet?
+XX XXX XXX 894: …
Felix ☀️: YAYYYYYY 😆
+XX XXX XXX 894: i’m reconsidering.
Felix ☀️: NO NO NOOO WAIT
+XX XXX XXX 894: i have less than 2 hours left of my shift and if i get 60+ messages from hot singles in my area i am going to call the fbi
+XX XXX XXX 893: what do you do anyway
+XX XXX XXX 894: keep guessing. if you get it right i’ll stay
+XX XXX XXX 893: secretly Mark Zuckerberg?
+XX XXX XXX 888: hot single in someone else’s area
+XX XXX XXX 894: blocked
+XX XXX XXX 635: Guys let’s be normal about this. Don’t worry 894, we won’t disturb you!
…. ….
05:37
+XX XXX XXX 894: liar.
+XX XXX XXX 888: L
+XX XXX XXX 896: do you people just not sleep or
Notes:
Chat I think I’m understanding ao3 posting now 💀
Chapter 3: fun facts? anyone? anyone?
Summary:
Previously on Hot Singles in Your Area (Please don’t report spam)…
+XX XXX XXX 635: We could at least introduce ourselves first? It’d be weird to leave without knowing anything
+XX XXX XXX 890: It’d be weird to leave after knowing anything.
+XX XXX XXX 894: exactly. if i leave now it’s just a normal gc exit. if i leave after introductions it’s personal.
Felix ☀️: SO YOU’RE STAYING?!
+XX XXX XXX 894: no
+XX XXX XXX 635: …But not leaving yet?
…. ….
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
…. ….
AUSSIE AUSSIE AUSSIE Private Chat
07:11
Chan: looks like the chat’s working out!
Lix: I KNOW IM SO SURPRISED
Lix: BJT ALSO REALLY HAPPY
Chan: I’m really happy for you!!
Lix: thanks, hyung
Lix: and thanks for being part of the group chat too
Lix: I don’t think I would’ve had the courage to otherwise
Chan: Of course, anytime!!!
Chan: It’s great that you’re putting yourself out there, although I was surprised so many people just…stayed in the chat
Chan: Like what if it was actually a scam?
Chan: But I’m glad they did!
Lix: I mean, we would probably be the same
Chan: Would we??
Lix: self awareness is key
Lix: also are you free this weekend??? We still have a season left of House to watch
Chan: Yeah! I do wanna check in at KPPA though, I know I haven’t been there in a while
Lix: you’re too hard on yourself, Chan
Lix: it’s the ‘Korean Pet Placement Agency’, not the ‘Chan Hyung Better Come Help Or Else The World Ends’ is it??
Chan: Yeah I know
Lix: you’re juggling your degree, volunteer work, seeing your siblings…your life is so busy!!!
Lix: Lia and the others get it, I’m sure she’s reached out to you about it
Chan: She has, and she said she managed to find some extra help… but it’s a shelter, the animals need all the help they can get
Lix: …
Lix: you’re not changing your mind on this, are you?
Chan: Nope.
Lix: okay
Lix: I’ll go with you then!
Chan: No!! You don’t have to, you’ve already done a few shifts this week!
Lix: I don’t care 😌
Chan: Okay….I’ll meet you at 9?
Lix: YAYYY!
Lix: Also
Lix: Mimi had her litter yesterday!
Chan: AND NOBODY TOLD ME
…. ….
Hot Singles in your Area (Please Don’t Report Spam)
19:53
Felix ☀️: Hi everyone!!
Felix ☀️: since we’re all friends now
+XX XXX XXX 896: we are?
Felix ☀️: since we’re all friends now
Felix ☀️: we should get to know each other 🥰
+XX XXX XXX 893: omg Alice said the same thing!
+XX XXX XXX 889: the one who scammed you the first time around??
+XX XXX XXX 893: very much so, until she realised that I had $4.60 in my bank account
+XX XXX XXX 893: then she gave it back with a link to an apology letter
+XX XXX XXX 893: but now that I think about it
+XX XXX XXX 893: that was when my subscription for Get Rich Now started
+XX XXX XXX 893: and I don’t remember signing up for it
+XX XXX XXX 890: lord help us all
+XX XXX XXX 635: Can’t you…unsubscribe?
+XX XXX XXX 893: see I’m not sure I can
Felix ☀️: lucky for us, 893, this isn’t another scam, as previously mentioned
Felix ☀️: and it doesn’t have to be anything personal, but I thought we could share a fun fact about ourselves!!
Felix ☀️: that way we can get to know each other without the security risk
+XX XXX XXX 894: how thoughtful
+XX XXX XXX 635: I think it’s a great idea!
+XX XXX XXX 896: ok grandpa
+XX XXX XXX 896: oh yeah, pronouns. I need to be able to insult you all properly
+XX XXX XXX 896: I’m he/him
Felix ☀️: omg I probably should have started with that!! he/him for me ✨💖✨
+XX XXX XXX 893: twinning!!
+XX XXX XXX 635: Same here!
+XX XXX XXX 888: I am him.
+XX XXX XXX 890: ^ what he said, but without the theatrics
+XX XXX XXX 889: ^^^^
+XX XXX XXX 894: ^^^^
Felix ☀️: yay! so, my fun fact is…
Felix ☀️: that I’m in culinary school!!
+XX XXX XXX 888: I’m just really hot
+XX XXX XXX 896: I thought we were being truthful here
+XX XXX XXX 888: YOU DONT EVEN KNOW WHAT I LOOK LIKE
+XX XXX XXX 896: I don’t need to. I can sense the delusion from here
+XX XXX XXX 888: Blocked. Reported. Hope you stub your toe.
Felix ☀️: guys please we’re bonding 🥲
+XX XXX XXX 635: I’ll go next! My fun fact is that I’m a vet student!
+XX XXX XXX 890: Explains the grandpa energy.
+XX XXX XXX 635: WHAT DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH ANYTHING.
+XX XXX XXX 888: you probably drink tea
+XX XXX XXX 635: …so??
+XX XXX XXX 890: Case closed.
+XX XXX XXX 635: I’m sure you’re all secretly old and projecting your insecurities onto me
+XX XXX XXX 890: I’m 21, actually
+XX XXX XXX 890: I guess that’s my fun fact too
+XX XXX XXX 889: okay but 635 as a vet…makes sense actually
+XX XXX XXX 889: Although I would have pinned you for an accounting or finance guy
+XX XXX XXX 893: NOT THE FINANCE BROS
+XX XXX XXX 893: THEYRE THE WORST
+XX XXX XXX 893: WHEN THEY COME NEAR ME I BREAK OUT IN HIVES
+XX XXX XXX 888: my ex was a finance bro
+XX XXX XXX 888: he tried to tell me that the reason why I’m poor is because I buy lattes every day
+XX XXX XXX 888: like yes I COULD make them at home
+XX XXX XXX 888: but why do something and be shit at it when you can pay someone to do it less shit??
+XX XXX XXX 888: *sigh* men
+XX XXX XXX 889: uhhh
+XX XXX XXX 894: my fun fact is that this conversation has already given me a headache.
Felix ☀️: oh come onnnn just one real one!!
+XX XXX XXX 894: fine. i can fold a fitted sheet perfectly.
+XX XXX XXX 893: okay but that’s actually impressive??
+XX XXX XXX 894: i know.
+XX XXX XXX 888: What’s next, you do your taxes on time ???
+XX XXX XXX 635: You don’t??
+XX XXX XXX 888: why??? you don’t have to?
+XX XXX XXX 889: not quite-
+XX XXX XXX 890: Disgusting behaviour.
+XX XXX XXX 893: I can eat a pizza in less than five minutes. With toppings.
+XX XXX XXX 890: Also disgusting behaviour
+XX XXX XXX 896: impressive, but my skill is better
+XX XXX XXX 893: BRING IT ON
+XX XXX XXX 896: I can tie shoelaces with one hand
+XX XXX XXX 889: but why??
+XX XXX XXX 896: capitalism.
+XX XXX XXX 889: right.
+XX XXX XXX 896: okay then, judgy, what’s your fact
+XX XXX XXX 889: um
+XX XXX XXX 889: I don’t have one?
+XX XXX XXX 893: boooooo
Felix ☀️: everyone has a fun fact, 889!!
+XX XXX XXX 635: I’m sure whatever you do share, it will be great!
+XX XXX XXX 894: ew, positivity
+XX XXX XXX 889: uhh
+XX XXX XXX 889: I have a chandelier?
+XX XXX XXX 888: oh he’s RICH RICH
+XX XXX XXX 890: in this economy??
+XX XXX XXX 890: may as well wave your black card in our faces
+XX XXX XXX 893: next he’s gonna say he owns a horse
+XX XXX XXX 889: funny story actually
+XX XXX XXX 893: WHAT
+XX XXX XXX 635: how much did the chandelier cost to install??
+XX XXX XXX 893: ARE WE JUST IGNORING THE HORSE THING NOW
+XX XXX XXX 889: it cost $20 and a home cooked meal?
+XX XXX XXX 889: my sister is an electrician soooo
+XX XXX XXX 893: NO THATS 2 FACTS NOW I HAVE TO COME UP WITJ MORE
+XX XXX XXX 889: sorry? I think??
+XX XXX XXX 893: as you should be
+XX XXX XXX 889: YAH
+XX XXX XXX 896: womp womp
+XX XXX XXX 894: why did I stay in this circus
+XX XXX XXX 890: you’ll grow to love the clownery
Notes:
Hi!! Thank you for reading this chapter!
I will do my best to post once a week…I know the chapters aren’t super long, but I’ve got a double degree to get (I love life 😀)
Chapter 4: rebranding is in order
Summary:
Previously on Hot Singles in Your Area (please don’t report spam …
Felix ☀️: since we’re all friends now
Felix ☀️: we should get to know each other 🥰+XX XXX XXX 893: omg Alice said the same thing!
…. ….
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
Hot Singles in Your Area (please don’t report spam)
14:02
Felix ☀️: today is the day
+XX XXX XXX 889: this can’t be good
+XX XXX XXX 890: God help us
+XX XXX XXX 635: For what?
Felix ☀️: it’s time for a change
+XX XXX XXX 889: oh no
Felix ☀️: a name change
+XX XXX XXX 635: Should I be scared?
+XX XXX XXX 896: very much so
+XX XXX XXX 889: to be fair, referring to our last 3 numbers when chatting does feel a bit squid game-y
+XX XXX XXX 888: DID SOMEONE MENTION SQUID GAMES IM HERE
+XX XXX XXX 894: this will be great
Felix ☀️: see guys! Even 894 is in the spirit
+XX XXX XXX 894: that was sarcasm.
Felix ☀️: not if you choose to ignore it!
Felix ☀️: we all need a rebrand
Felix ☀️: so in honour of the life crimes shared with the group, you will be officially renamed
Felix ☀️: do we have any volunteers
+XX XXX XXX 888: WHAT LIFE CRIMES
+XX XXX XXX 888: IM A FUNCTIONAL ADULT
+XX XXX XXX 893 changed +XX XXX XXX 888’s name to: bbno$ (spent it all on coffee)
+XX XXX XXX 894 changed bbno$ (spent it all on coffee)’s name to: finance bro kisser
+XX XXX XXX 896 changed finance bro kisser’s name to: delusional on the regular
Felix ☀️ changed delusional on the regular’s name to: Tax Evasion
Tax Evasion: wow okay might as well use all the knives in my back to make a meal
Tax Evasion: I hope your pillows are warm tonight
Felix ☀️: that means we found the right name!!!
Tax Evasion: ANd I’m NOT DELUSIONAL ON THE REGULAR
+XX XXX XXX 896: maybe I should’ve suggested ‘liar’ as your name instead
Felix ☀️ changed +XX XXX XXX 896’s name to: Agent of Chaos
Agent of Chaos: I’m glad somebody appreciates all my hard work around here
Tax Evasion changed Agent of Chaos’s name to: Exorcism Needed 👹
Exorcism Needed 👹: you know what I’ll take it
+XX XXX XXX 890: well, it’s not inaccurate-
Exorcism Needed 👹: WOOOOOOW
Exorcism Needed 👹: you say this now, but just watch, you’ll have a name worse than mine
+XX XXX XXX 635: I don’t really think 890 or I have committed any life crimes
+XX XXX XXX 894: none that you’ve admitted to.
+XX XXX XXX 889: why was that so ominous
+XX XXX XXX 894: because you’re next.
+XX XXX XXX 889: please don’t
+XX XXX XXX 635: I don’t think I’ve done anything bad?
+XX XXX XXX 890: Vet student. Drinks tea. Concerned about taxes.
+XX XXX XXX 635: and to think I thought we were on the same side
+XX XXX XXX 890: ah, well, I’ve heard that your senses gets worse when you grow old
+XX XXX XXX 890: you start hearing things that never happened
Tax Evasion: Gramps, I’m gonna need my allowance in advance this month-
+XX XXX XXX 635: BLOCKED.
Felix ☀️ changed +XX XXX XXX 635’s name to: respect your elders
respect your elders: why do I feel so betrayed?
Tax Evasion: its part of the process
Tax Evasion: I understand your pain
respect your elders: Do you, though?
+XX XXX XXX 889: okay, let’s get this over with, hit me
Exorcism Needed 👹: Future Sugar Daddy
+XX XXX XXX 889: ABSOLUTELY NOT
+XX XXX XXX 893 changed +XX XXX XXX 889’s name to: may involve a horse at some point
+XX XXX XXX 890: you expect me to type that all out when addressing him?
+XX XXX XXX 893: that’s a valid point
+XX XXX XXX 893 changed may involve a horse at some point’s name to: MONEYBAGS
+XX XXX XXX 890: perfect. now your turn.
+XX XXX XXX 893: WELL ACTUALLY I DONT RHINK I NEED ONE IM A WELL ADJUSTED PERSON SO I THINK MY NUMBER IS GOOD ENOUGH
Tax Evasion changed +XX XXX XXX 893’s name to: Future Victim
Tax Evasion: NEW TARGET ACQUIRED.
MONEYBAGS: This is poetic justice.
Felix ☀️: 893, do you have any requests??
Future Victim: …be nice to me? 🥹
+XX XXX XXX 890: That’s a no.
Felix ☀️: Okay, let’s review. What do we know about him?
MONEYBAGS: He got scammed.
Tax Evasion: Inhales his pizza (allegedly)
respect your elders: Alice from Minnesota was nice?
Exorcism Needed 👹: He’s an easy target
Future Victim: I don’t like where this is going.
+XX XXX XXX 894: … $4.60.
Tax Evasion: AHAHAHAHAHAHA
respect your elders: “4.60” is INSANE OUCH
Felix ☀️: THAT’S SO DISRESPECTFUL LET’S DO IT
Future Victim: WAIT NO
Future Victim: IM SURE THEIRS SOMETHIBG ELSE
+XX XXX XXX 890: *there’s
Felix ☀️: too late 😊
Future Victim: NO NO NO NO
Felix ☀️ changed +XX XXX XXX 893’s name to 4.60💸
4.60💸: I HOPE ALL YOUR BREAD GOES STALE.
4.60💸: YOUR TURN 894 IM COMING FOR YOU
+XX XXX XXX 894: no. i refuse.
Felix ☀️: Come onnn just one fun one!!
+XX XXX XXX 894: fine. you can call me phantom
+XX XXX XXX 894: in the chat one minute, gone even faster
4.60💸: like a fart in the wind
Felix ☀️: HELP???! 😭😭
+XX XXX XXX 890: Phantom’s not embarrassing enough
4.60💸: Mystery Bitch.
Felix ☀️: Petition to leave it as Phantom but also add a clown emoji???
4.60💸: YES
+XX XXX XXX 894: I hate all of you.
Felix ☀️ changed +XX XXX XXX 894’s name to Phantom 🤡
4.60💸: the feeling is mutual 😒😒😒
Felix ☀️: Okay, how are we all feeling!!
Tax Evasion: This is the worst day of my life.
MONEYBAGS: I refuse to acknowledge this.
respect your elders: I feel like I’ve aged 20 years.
Exorcism Needed 👹: I embrace my destiny.
Phantom 🤡: You will all suffer.
Felix ☀️: ❤️❤️❤️
Felix ☀️: WAIT
Felix ☀️: SOMEONE IS MISSING
Felix ☀️: 890
+XX XXX XXX 890: shit
MONEYBAGS: you can’t escape this, just accept your fate
+XX XXX XXX 890: I have done nothing to warrant a nickname.
Phantom 🤡: Don’t worry, it will be something stupid.
Felix ☀️: Agreed. It has to be completely undeserved.
respect your elders: Something that makes no sense.
Felix ☀️: …Meong Meong.
Exorcism Needed 👹: OH MY GOD.
MONEYBAGS: Rest in peace.
+XX XXX XXX 890: NO. ABSOLUTELY NOT. I AM NOT ACCEPTING THIS.
Felix ☀️: 890, you’re all bark and no bite, you’re a softie deep down and we all know it!!!
respect your elders: it fits you ☺️
Felix ☀️ changed +XX XXX XXX 896’s name to Meong Meong 🐶
Meong Meong 🐶: I SWEAR, I WILL DESTROY YOU.
Felix ☀️: NOOOO HE’S JUST A LITTLE GUY 🥺🥺🥺
Exorcism Needed 👹: oh he’s FUMING
MONEYBAGS: I’m never calling him anything else.
4.60💸: we have defeated him.
Meong Meong 🐶: No you haven’t. You’ve simply ensured your demise.
Felix ☀️: Meong Meongie-ah~~ 🥺🥰
Meong Meong 🐶: Die.
Notes:
Wow thanks for all the reads and kudos!!! They’re very much appreciated
Anyway, thoughts on the nicknames?
Chapter 5: love from, the electrician mafia
Summary:
Previously on Hot Singles in Your Area (please don’t report spam) …
Felix ☀️: we all need a rebrand
Felix ☀️: so in honour of the life crimes shared with the group, you will be officially renamed…. …
Tax Evasion: This is the worst day of my life.
MONEYBAGS: I refuse to acknowledge this.
respect your elders: I feel like I’ve aged 20 years.
Exorcism Needed 👹: I embrace my destiny.
Phantom 🤡: You will all suffer.
…. ….
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
…. ….
Hot Singles in Your Area (please don’t report spam)
19:46
Felix ☀️: GUYS THE POWER WENT OUT AT MY HOUSE I THINK IM DYING
respect your elders: Someone’s dying?!
Phantom 🤡: what did you do
Felix ☀️: NOTHING I SWEAR
MONEYBAGS: you weren’t cooking were you
Felix ☀️: WHATS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN
4.60💸: means you nearly burned your kitchen down last week with that ‘steak’
Felix ☀️: OKAY THAT WAS ONE TIME
Phantom 🤡: but why did it bounce
Phantom 🤡: steaks shouldn’t bounce
respect your elders: I’m sure it was a….mis-steak 😆
Phantom 🤡: jail.
Phantom 🤡: how long have you been waiting to use that one
respect your elders: what can I say, dad jokes are my specialty
Phantom 🤡: they really shouldn’t be.
MONEYBAGS: well based on that ‘one time missteak’… did you have a role in the outage
respect your elders: see! It’s catching on!
Tax Evasion: TLDR: did your cooking short circuit the building
Felix ☀️: RUDE
Felix ☀️: I WASNT EVEN MAKING ANYTHING
Felix ☀️: DONT INSULT MY CULINARY SKILLS RN I WILL CRY
Tax Evasion: nooo don’t cry your so sexy aha
Meong Meong 🐶: *you’re
Tax Evasion: YOU DIDNT EVEN TRY TO UNDERSTAND THE REFERENCE??
Felix ☀️: I HEARD SOMETHING CLANG IN THE KITCHEN
Felix ☀️: AND MY ROOMMATE ISNT HERE
Tax Evasion: if you get murdered can I have your shoe collection
Tax Evasion: those green ones you sent pics of would look great with this one hat I have-
respect your elders: do you have everything you need for the outage? like candles or a torch?
Felix ☀️: I THINK SO BUT I CANT FIND iT IN THE DARK
Meong Meong 🐶: …use your phone torch.
Felix ☀️: OMG YOURE SO RIGHT GOOD IDEA
Felix ☀️: WISH ME LUCK IM BRAVING THE KITCHENS HOPEFULLY I DONT GET MURDERED
Phantom 🤡: glad to see we’re being calm and rational about this
4.60💸: lol skill issue
4.60💸: couldn’t be me
…. ….
19:50
4.60💸: MY POWER JUST WENT OUT. BETRAYAL
Felix ☀️: COSMIC RETRIBUTION
4.60💸: what
Felix ☀️: KARMA
4.60💸: ohh
4.60💸: WELL I WOULDNTBE MADE FUN IF YOU SO OPENLY IF I KNEW I WOULD GET HIT WITH THE CURSE
Meong Meong 🐶: 2 idiots down. Place your bets on who’s the 3rd.
…. ….
19:53
Meong Meong 🐶: So either the rest of you are refusing to speak up or the universe is joking
Meong Meong 🐶: because I CANNOT be the next one to lose power
4.60💸: just accept your idiot status
Meong Meong 🐶: what idiot status?
Tax Evasion: denial is a river in Egypt
Meong Meong 🐶: *the Nile
Tax Evasion: oh COME ON
MONEYBAGS: okay so unrelated but I have tea
Tax Evasion: spill
MONEYBAGS: hang on I’m texting my sister, this might take a sec
MONEYBAGS: she’s hearing some things from the electrician grapevine
respect your elders: There’s a grapevine for that??
MONEYBAGS: Very much so
MONEYBAGS: its pretty much an underground network. secret passwords. initiation rites.
respect your elders: I didn’t expect electricians of all people to have their own mafia
MONEYBAGS: well this mafia says there’s a fault near the train lines
MONEYBAGS: my sister says a few members work there, apparently it’s chaos behind the scenes
MONEYBAGS: places around the stations are getting power cuts
Phantom 🤡: hell no.
Phantom 🤡: i better not get called in on my day off or i’m suing
Phantom 🤡: nobody do anything stupid
Meong Meong 🐶: have you met this group chat
4.60💸: wait why would you get called in? for your job??
Phantom 🤡: wouldn’t you like to know, weather boy
Meong Meong 🐶: that one was actually funny
Meong Meong 🐶: unlike SOME people’s jokes
Tax Evasion: 😃🖕
…. ….
AUSSIE AUSSIE AUSSIE Private Chat
19:57
Chan: How are you holding up, Lixie?
Chan: I remember you saying the dark freaks you out
Lix: thanks for checking in hyung
Lix: it shouldn’t be too long until they get the power back… right?
Chan: that’s probably something to ask Moneybags, but I’m sure it won’t be too long
Chan: you have the lantern I got you, yeah?
Lix: yes I’m sitting next to it right now
Chan: good, maybe you can get a snack and some water? I’ll keep you company
Lix: I don’t know
Lix: It’s darker than I thought it would be
Lix: I can’t even see the stars
Lix: Fuck this was never a big deal in Australia
Lix: why’s it so dark here hyung??
Chan: Lix it’s okay, I know it’s different and I know it’s scary
Chan: Do you want me to come over?
Lix: no no no you stay safe at yours
Lix: could you maybe
Lix: distract me?
Lix: please?
Chan: of course!
Chan: I think I forgot to tell you this one actually
Chan: but you know Su-ho??
Lix: the really condescending guy in your class??
Chan: yep! So basically he decided to talk over Mina and all the other girls like usual, butting in when they were answering the professors questions (and then giving answers that were totally wrong)
Chan: and Mina finally told him that she knew that he liked to hear himself talk, but to at least make it actually correct
Lix: YES MINA GET HIS ASS
Chan: and there’s more
Chan: it was beautiful to watch
…. ….
Hot Singles in Your Area (please don’t report spam)
19.59
respect your elders: so who has been hit by the outage?
respect your elders: mine just went out
Phantom 🤡: I’m literally watching the blackout move down my street
4.60💸: MY TOES ARE COLD
MONEYBAGS: why would I want to know that?
4.60💸: updates are important
Tax Evasion: manifesting the outage to hit me for the aesthetic tbh
Felix ☀️: wait where’s Exorcism??
respect your elders: good point, are you okay @Exorcism Needed 👹??
Tax Evasion: he’s probably wreaking havoc on the elderly somewhere idk
…. ….
20.37
Exorcism Needed 👹: [picture of what appears to be a classroom. Paper is strewn haphazardly, crayons and building blocks scattered across the floor. Little lanterns are placed across the room, and the dim light captures a blurry child running in the background with paint on their hands.]
Exorcism Needed 👹: I need hazard pay
Felix ☀️: OH MY GOD
MONEYBAGS: bro what happened
Tax Evasion: are you in a horror movie???
Exorcism Needed 👹: at my practical at this afterschool care and the power went out
Exorcism Needed 👹: cue 30 kids losing their shit
Exorcism Needed 👹: I had to improvise
Felix ☀️: by destroying a building??
Exorcism Needed 👹: it wasn’t my fault actually
Exorcism Needed 👹: the other genius prac student decided that bringing out the paints would be a good idea
Exorcism Needed 👹: it was not
MONEYBAGS: my ears hurt just thinking about being trapped in a room full of screaming children
Exorcism Needed 👹: [a picture of his face, absolutely covered in paints of various colours, with a haunted look in his eyes. His hair, dyed blue, features chunks of glitter and green paint.]
4.60💸: EXORCISM FACE REVEAL??
Felix ☀️: YOU’RE SO PRETTY OMG
Meong Meong 🐶: why do you look like you’ve picked a fight with a paint monster and lost
respect your elders: ouch about your hair, I’m sure that will wash out though…Anyway, thanks for trusting us enough to send a pic of you!
Phantom 🤡: okay grandpa, let’s put the paragraph down
respect your elders: Really? Now???
4.60💸: okay grandpa
Meong Meong 🐶: okay grandpa
Tax Evasion: okay grandpa
MONEYBAGS: okay grandpa
respect your elders: GOD FORBID I SAY SOMETHING NICE
respect your elders: but hey at least Felix respects me!!
Felix ☀️: okay grandpa
respect your elders: I GIVE UP.
Exorcism Needed 👹: honestly idgaf about internet security rn
Exorcism Needed 👹: I just need someone to see what they did
Exorcism Needed 👹: I am covered in glitter
Exorcism Needed 👹: the things I do for a degree
Exorcism Needed 👹: TEACHING OF ALL THINGS
Tax Evasion: children are a plague
MONEYBAGS: bro
MONEYBAGS: you’re probably the type of person who faints at the idea of germs
Tax Evasion: thats literally my job
Tax Evasion: I work with bacteria. At least these germs don’t screech
MONEYBAGS: WHAT
Meong Meong 🐶: excuse me
Tax Evasion: microbiologist, babes. what can I say, I’m deep. I’ve got layers
4.60💸: sure pal
Tax Evasion: …okay
Tax Evasion: noted
Tax Evasion: anyway
Meong Meong 🐶: …
Meong Meong 🐶: Are you good? That was a weird pause
Tax Evasion: I’m fine tf
Felix ☀️: Tax Evasionnnnnn we love you
Tax Evasion: whatever
respect your elders: hmm
Felix ☀️: GUYS
Felix ☀️: power’s back!! and I didn’t die!!
respect your elders: proud of you, Lix!
Felix ☀️: thanks hyung
Phantom 🤡: power’s back here too
Meong Meong 🐶: I live another day
MONEYBAGS: I should buy a lottery ticket
Exorcism Needed 👹: still covered in paint. would like to go feral now
Phantom 🤡: you already are
4.60💸: NOT ME STILL SITTING IN THE DARK LIKE A GOBLIN
Tax Evasion: natural state
4.60💸: fight me
Tax Evasion: I’d win
4.60💸: in your dreams
4.60💸: ngl this was weirdly fun though
Exorcism Needed 👹: was it?
Felix ☀️: it was kind of nice not being alone while my house was haunted
Meong Meong 🐶: don’t get used to it
Tax Evasion: says the one who’s gonna spam us memes at 2am
MONEYBAGS: he really will tho
respect your elders: alright — everyone made it through alive. Good job us!
Phantom 🤡: you’re a softie, old man
Felix ☀️: grandpa strikes again
Meong Meong 🐶: sentimental as hell
Exorcism Needed 👹: don’t worry, I hate you all equally
Felix ☀️: love you too 🫶🫶
Exorcism Needed 👹: the last kid has finally left. I’m free
Exorcism Needed 👹: I’m stealing all the food in the break room and going home. I deserve this.
Phantom 🤡: you good?
Exorcism Needed 👹: no
4.60💸: valid
Tax Evasion: relatable
Notes:
For the sake of my sanity, let’s pretend afterschool care can end late for the parents who work late
and also that I know how outages work 😭
anyway hope you enjoyed!
Chapter 6: interlude: cheesecake
Summary:
Previously on Hit Singles in Your Area (please don’t report spam)…
Felix ☀️: GUYS THE POWER WENT OUT AT MY HOUSE I THINK IM DYING
…. ….
Tax Evasion: microbiologist, babes. what can I say, I’m deep. I’ve got layers
4.60💸: sure pal
Tax Evasion: …okay
Tax Evasion: noted
Tax Evasion: anywayMeong Meong 🐶: …
Meong Meong 🐶: Are you good? That was a weird pause…. ….
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
…. ….
4.60💸 has started a new chat
4.60💸 has added Tax Evasion to the chat
4.60💸 has named the chat ‘I’m sorry bro’
01:26
4.60💸: hey are you alive
Tax Evasion: what’s this?
4.60💸: I just noticed you’re not online as much
Tax Evasion: what if I’ve just been busy
4.60💸: well
4.60💸: remember when you told us your job and that you had layers and I said ‘sure pal’ and then it went all weird
Tax Evasion: it was nothing
4.60💸: I wanted to apologise
4.60💸: even if it was actually nothing
Tax Evasion: that was days ago
Tax Evasion: it’s fine
4.60💸: yeahhh but then I started thinking about it
4.60💸: and then didn’t stop thinking about it
4.60💸: my brain did the thing where it rewinds the embarrassing moment at 3AM
4.60💸: and then it made a powerpoint presentation about how I probably hurt your feelings
Tax Evasion: …a powerpoint?
4.60💸: slide transitions and everything
4.60💸 has changed their nickname to: PowerPoint Apologist
Tax Evasion: you’re such an idiot
PowerPoint Apologist: and I wear that badge with honour 🫡 Upside down and everything
PowerPoint Apologist: so I’m sorry if I made you feel bad. I genuinely think your job is cool. You’re like… bacteria batman or something
Tax Evasion: it wasn’t a big deal
Tax Evasion: and it wasn’t that, either. I like being a nerd
Tax Evasion: It’s just… whatever I guess
PowerPoint Apologist: valid
Tax Evasion: I’m not really good with this stuff okay??
PowerPoint Apologist: sorry sorry didn’t mean to tease!!
Tax Evasion: 🙄🙄
Tax Evasion: but…I guess I was a little in my feelings about it. Or maybe still am. Slightly.
Tax Evasion: stupid, huh?
Tax Evasion: bacteria batman is a terrible title btw
PowerPoint Apologist: okay but imagine the cape
Powerpoint Apologist has changed Tax Evasion’s name to: bacteria batman
PowerPoint Apologist: and no
PowerPoint Apologist: not stupid
PowerPoint Apologist: everyone’s got their Things
PowerPoint Apologist: I mean I once cried because a pigeon ignored me so you’re fine
bacteria batman: am I supposed to be surprised
PowerPoint Apologist: tbf I was awake for 72 hours and fuelled by red bull at that point
bacteria batman: weirdo
bacteria batman: but thanks
bacteria batman: we’re good
PowerPoint Apologist: cool cool cool
PowerPoint Apologist: also thanks
PowerPoint Apologist: for talking with me
PowerPoint Apologist: because I feel like I can do this now
PowerPoint Apologist has renamed the chat to ‘germ bros’
bacteria batman: that’s horrific
Powerpoint Apologist: glad you like it
…. ….
01:35
PowerPoint Apologist: soooo…any fun facts about you?
bacteria batman: you’re really pulling a Felix right now?
PowerPoint Apologist: ITS NOT THE SAME OK 😃😭
bacteria batman: awwww you want to get to know me
bacteria batman: as one should, I’m fantastic
PowerPoint Apologist: I feel like the quickest way to bond is through insane lore
PowerPoint Apologist: *bonding
PowerPoint Apologist: wait no. bond was right. ignore me
PowerPoint Apologist: anyways
PowerPoint Apologist: like a core memory of mine
PowerPoint Apologist: for context I’m incredibly lactose intolerant
bacteria batman: I don’t like where this is headed
PowerPoint Apologist: and I ate a triple cheesecake right before going on this school camp trip that had 3 hour long school bus ride with no stops
PowerPoint Apologist: ripped ass the ENTIRE WAY
PowerPoint Apologist: AND
bacteria batman: NOPE
bacteria batman: I REGRET LOOKING AT THIS
bacteria batman: DONT YOU DARE CONTINUE THIS
bacteria batman: SO MANY HAD TO SUFFER
bacteria batman: FOR CHEESECAKE???
PowerPoint Apologist: obviously???
bacteria batman: I HATE CHEESECAKE WITH A BURNING PASSION
PowerPoint Apologist: WHAT
PowerPoint Apologist: THEY ARE LITERALLY THE BEST CAFE DESSERT CHOICE
bacteria batman: the only acceptable options are croissants and you know it
PowerPoint Apologist has changed bacteria batman’s name to: Cheesecake denier
PowerPoint Apologist: thats it. I’m eating cheesecake every day to spite you now
PowerPoint Apologist: boost the cheesecake market
Cheesecake denier: IM GONNA FORCE FEED YOU LACTASE WHEN WE MEET
PowerPoint Apologist: YOU WOULDNT DARE
Cheesecake denier: I WOULD
PowerPoint Apologist: wait
PowerPoint Apologist: ‘when’ 🥺🥺🥺
PowerPoint Apologist: you want to meet me?
Cheesecake denier: oh
Cheesecake denier: I thought that was the end goal
Cheesecake denier: unless it’s not
Cheesecake denier: which is fine
PowerPoint Apologist: NONONO I WANT TO MEET YOU TOO
PowerPoint Apologist: AND EVERYUINE ELSE
Cheesecake denier: okay
Cheesecake denier: same
Cheesecake denier: I was gonna say, your loss 😌
PowerPoint Apologist: yeah…
PowerPoint Apologist: I need some friends
Cheesecake denier: me too
Cheesecake denier: I hope we do get to all meet eventually
PowerPoint Apologist: Phantom scares me though
PowerPoint Apologist: wait no don’t tell him that
Cheesecake denier: too late 💕
Cheesecake denier: may the odds be ever in your favour 🫶
…. ….
01:40
Phantom 🤡 has started a new chat!
Phantom 🤡 has added 4.60💸 to the chat!
Phantom 🤡 has named the chat ‘I know.’
4.60💸: PLEASE DONT KILL ME
Notes:
I love watching 2 emotionally constipated people try to share their feelings
also the cheesecake thing is a true story, although I was not the one who ate the cake (my friend was, and it was a horrible experience for us all)
let me know what you think!! I hope you enjoyed!
Chapter 7: a tech-savvy group chat
Summary:
Previously on Hot Singles in Your Area (please don’t report spam) …
PowerPoint Apologist: everyone’s got their Things
PowerPoint Apologist: I mean I once cried because a pigeon ignored me so you’re finebacteria batman: am I supposed to be surprised
PowerPoint Apologist: tbf I was awake for 72 hours and fuelled by red bull at that point
bacteria batman: weirdo
bacteria batman: but thanks
bacteria batman: we’re good…. ….
Notes:
soooo….hi. I’m back. To those of you who’ve clicked on this fic for the first time, welcome! And to those who have returned, thanks for sticking around.
I know I said I’d post once a week…. But I’ve been working on the plot. *laughs evilly*
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
…. ….
Hot Singles in Your Area (please don’t report spam)
09:13
MONEYBAGS: does anyone happen to be at the Han river
4.60💸: I don’t think I’ve seen sunlight in 3 days
MONEYBAGS: well does anyone WANT to come???
Exorcism Needed 👹: there’s the slight issue of us not knowing each others names
Exorcism Needed 👹: also this is my uni free day, I don’t plan on moving from bed for the next 5 hours
4.60💸: VALID
respect your elders: what’s happening at the river?
MONEYBAGS: it must be some sort of couples day
MONEYBAGS: and I’m all by myself
MONEYBAGS: I come for a relaxing post-workout walk and I’m smacked in the face with the reminder that I’ll be forever single 🥲
Phantom 🤡: ‘relaxing’ and ‘workout’ should not be in the same sentence
respect your elders: no, it’s actually really nice! The breeze works well when you feel like collapsing, especially after leg day
MONEYBAGS: you understand me.
Exorcism Needed 👹: and you do this to yourself because…?
4.60💸: they’re just freaky like that
Tax Evasion: FREAKY IN THE STREETS FREAKY IN THE SHEETS
Phantom 🤡: never say that again
MONEYBAGS: I’m still here
MONEYBAGS: drinking my protein shake
MONEYBAGS: alone
MONEYBAGS: like a loser
Tax Evasion: imagine
Tax Evasion: I pull too much to relate
Exorcism Needed 👹: lies.
Tax Evasion: STFU
Tax Evasion: I COULD BE TAKEN
Phantom 🤡: ‘could’.
Exorcism Needed 👹: the all caps says otherwise
Tax Evasion: IM SURE YOURE BOTH JUST AS BITCHLESS
Exorcism Needed 👹: the projection goes crazy
Felix ☀️: oh moneybags, I’m sure you’ll find someone!!
Felix ☀️: you seem like a wonderful guy
4.60💸: WITH a chandelier
MONEYBAGS: YAH
Meong Meong 🐶: [the laptop screen shown in the picture is damaged—distorted stripes green, red, and grey stretch across the display as if glitching. Despite the chaos, some desktop folders are still legible through the mess, labelled things like “Trace Evidence,” “Luminol Trials,” and “Final Report - Don’t Delete This One Or Else.”]
Meong Meong 🐶: dealing with this right now, which means I will also not be seeing the sun for 3 days
4.60💸: congrats, your GPU just rage quitted mid-semester
Exorcism Needed 👹: did you try to eat your computer?
MONEYBAGS: now that you mention it the dents on the side do look like bite marks
Meong Meong 🐶: I didn’t, if that’s what you’re insinuating
Meong Meong 🐶: It had the misfortune of witnessing a minor breakdown
MONEYBAGS: THAT was minor???
respect your elders: Wait
respect your elders: ‘Blood Sweat & Trauma’? Do I want to know what’s inside that folder?
Tax Evasion: BTS MENTION????
Tax Evasion: STAN SEOKJIN FOR CLEAR SKIN
respect your elders: I’m more of an RM guy myself
Tax Evasion: okay that explains everything I need to know about you.
respect your elders: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?
Tax Evasion: at what point did your parentification make you a people pleaser
respect your elders: WHAT
respect your elders: no
4.60💸: that no was QUICK
respect your elders: no
Meong Meong 🐶: Besides that insane judgement of personality, the folder is literally just spatter pattern analysis
Meong Meong 🐶 : Not really anything interesting
Exorcism Needed 👹: as in blood spatters??
Felix ☀️: I SAW SOMEONE MENTION BLOOD IM BACK WHOS BLEEDING
Felix ☀️: IS EVERYONE OKAY??
Felix ☀️: oh no did I miss something again
respect your elders: we’re okay, Meong Meong’s laptop is not
4.60💸: AND HE EITHER HAS A JOB WITH OR JUST REALLY ENJOYS LOOKING AT BLOOD
Meong Meong 🐶: Its forensics, it’s part of the job
Meong Meong 🐶: And a normal career
MONEYBAGS: objectively, none of us are normal
Felix ☀️: wait that’s really cool??
Felix ☀️: like on a tv-show level cool
Felix ☀️: do you get to solve mysteries and stuff??
Meong Meong 🐶: I’m still at university, so right now it seems like it’ll mostly be looking at data and writing reports
Meong Meong 🐶: but… thanks. That’s not usually the reaction I’m used to getting
Tax Evasion: LAME. You should’ve lied and said you fight crime with a UV light and sarcasm
4.60💸: he basically does though. with blood. and trauma.
Tax Evasion: blood??? brother eugh
Meong Meong 🐶: et tu, Mr Disease?
Felix ☀️: oh I know this one!!! I took French in high school!!
Felix ☀️: Je m’appelle Felix! J’ai seize ans!
Meong Meong 🐶: et tu is Latin.
respect your elders: Doesn’t seize mean 16 too?
Felix ☀️: well I only took it up til year 10
Felix ☀️: so any number past 20 was irrelevant
Meong Meong 🐶: why would you choose French of all options
Felix ☀️: oh I grew up in Australia!! So we already spoke English, I spoke Korean at home, and all the other options didn’t sound as fun!!
Tax Evasion: trilingual icon
MONEYBAGS: I don’t think that counts?
Felix ☀️: :((
Tax Evasion: uh oh Debbie downer’s in the house
4.60💸: YEAH MONEYBAGS I’D LIKE TO SEE YOU TRY
MONEYBAGS: HE CANT COUNT PAST 20
Meong Meong 🐶: My computer is shutting off, turning on, opening Excel then dying again
Meong Meong 🐶: How beyond repair is this?
4.60💸: average excel experience
Tax Evasion: it’s crashing out in solidarity
4.60💸: #ExcelHaters
Tax Evasion: ✊😔
Meong Meong 🐶: So is that a yes for my laptop is screwed?
respect your elders: are you going to be okay without a laptop? It might be wise to try find a replacement…
Meong Meong 🐶: Oh, no, it’s not like I have important documents on there or anything
MONEYBAGS: forgive me if I’m wrong, I’m not a tech guy
MONEYBAGS: but it looks…a bit cooked
MONEYBAGS: like…Felix-cooked
Exorcism Needed 👹: so we all know what that means
Tax Evasion: inedible?
4.60💸: *beyond repair
Felix ☀️: WHY AM I CATCHING STRAYS TONIGHT
Felix ☀️: guys I can actually cook I swear 🥺
Tax Evasion: yeah moneybags
4.60💸: what is it with you bullying Felix? Despicable.
MONEYBAGS: Bro.
Felix ☀️: let’s do a poll!!
Felix ☀️ has opened the poll: Is Meong Meong laptopless?
With Options:
- Beyond repair (NOT like Felix’s cooking)
- Unbelievably done
- MONEYBAGS caused it
- She’ll be right (maybe)
- Persevere, we die like men
…. ….
The poll has been decided!
Winner: MONEYBAGS caused it
Tax Evasion: pay up, Moneybags
MONEYBAGS: NO????
MONEYBAGS: I DIDNT BITE THE LAPTOP NOW DID I
Meong Meong 🐶: I didn’t, either
4.60💸: enjoy drawing bloody carpets by hand or something
…. ….
22:04
Phantom 🤡: blood isn’t so bad. you get used to it
4.60💸: YOU SAY NOTHING FOR HOURS AND THATS WHAT YOU SAY????
Felix ☀️: that’s so unsettling 😣😣
Felix ☀️: HOW DO YOU KNOW
respect your elders: *if it’s illegal we don’t want to know
…. ….
22:15
respect your elders: the worst part is that I have no idea if what you DM’ed me is really what happened
Phantom 🤡: keep it that way.
Notes:
So I’m not going to pretend like I know much about these degrees (but if you do, feel free to comment!!)
Hopefully you guys can tell who’s who by now!
Chapter 8: han-gineering
Summary:
Previously on Hot Singles in Your Area (please don’t report spam) …
4.60💸: congrats, your GPU just rage quitted mid-semester
Exorcism Needed 👹: did you try to eat your computer?
MONEYBAGS: now that you mention it the dents on the side do look like bite marks
…
respect your elders: I’m more of an RM guy myself
Tax Evasion: okay that explains everything I need to know about you.
respect your elders: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?
Tax Evasion: at what point did your parentification make you a people pleaser
respect your elders: WHAT
respect your elders: no4.60💸: that no was QUICK
respect your elders: no
…
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
…. ….
Hot Singles in Your Area (please don’t report spam)
15:16
4.60💸: Hey, so I was thinking, we actually accidentally did the tensile strength tests for our bridge model under 20°C conditions instead of room temperature, which probably impacted the overall load-bearing capacity by about 5%. It’s probably the reason why our capacity calculations are different to the results. Maybe we could try retesting it to avoid errors? Also, let me know if you want me to send the spreadsheet!
Tax Evasion: erm what the sigma
Phantom 🤡: why is he using proper grammar
Exorcism Needed 👹: Math? In this chat
Exorcism Needed 👹: where we can’t collectively string a coherent sentence together?
respect your elders: I read about three words and I gave up
4.60💸: THAT TOOK ME SO LONG TO TPYE OUT AND I SENT IT TO THE WRONG PEOPLE
4.60💸: KILL ME
Felix ☀️: Wait, what’s this about a bridge? Are we building a bridge?
4.60💸: NO ITS FOR MY CLASS DONT WORRY
Meong Meong 🐶: I’m just gonna assume this is all really important and move on.
MONEYBAGS: 4.60 is an engineer??? HIM??? MONEYBAGS: I’m never crossing a bridge again
Felix ☀️: what if he just really likes bridges???
4.60💸: Guys… STOP. I’m just trying to do my homework, not doing engineering for a living. 😩
respect your elders: …but you will eventually?
4.60💸: ….yes.
…. ….
Germ Bros Private Chat
15:19
Cheesecake Denier: Cool degree
Cheesecake Denier: Nerd
PowerPoint Apologist: Shut up
PowerPoint Apologist: Nerd
Cheesecake Denier: so I think the nerd insult is a moot point now
PowerPoint Apologist: …you gerd.
Cheesecake Denier: a WHAT
Cheesecake Denier: bro did NOT just call me acid reflux
PowerPoint Apologist: well I originally meant it to be calling you a ‘germ nerd’
PowerPoint Apologist: but I stand by that statement too
…. ….
Hot Singles in Your Area (please don’t report spam)
15:20
MONEYBAGS: I knew you were holding out on us! You’ve been pretending to be the idiot this whole time!
Felix ☀️: well, he could be a dumbass and a genius!!
MONEYBAGS: yeah that tracks
MONEYBAGS: BUT STILL
Meong Meong 🐶: Wait, so you actually know stuff? Like… real stuff?
Exorcism Needed 👹: when did you start being smart? And why didn’t you tell us?
4.60💸: oh haha not me
Phantom 🤡: blink twice if compliments make you physically ill
4.60💸: not blinking
4.60💸: you can’t make me
4.60💸: I LIVE in denial
4.60💸: besides, you’re a random stranger??? Light work no reaction
Phantom 🤡: since when has that stopped you before
Meong Meong 🐶: Exactly. That can’t be it.
Tax Evasion: AND EXCUSE ME WE HAVE KNOWN EACH OTHER FOR WEEKS
Tax Evasion: WEEKS
Tax Evasion: MAYBE EVEN A MONTH OR TWO BY NOW
Tax Evasion: SOME REALLY DEEP CONVERSATIONS HAVE TAKEN PLACE
Meong Meong 🐶: because opinions on mint choco ice cream are super important
MONEYBAGS: HEY I TRIED OKAY I COULDNT THINK OF ANYTHING ELSE TO TALK ABOUT
Phantom 🤡: it is a good indicator for sketchy people, people who like it can’t be trusted
Phantom 🤡: a great way to scope out who is here for the right reasons.
respect your elders: how does liking mint chocolate mean I’m not trustworthy??
Phantom 🤡: because you like to eat the toothpaste of the ice cream world
Phantom 🤡: are you trying to make up for the fact that you don’t brush your teeth?
respect your elders: WHAT
Exorcism Needed 👹: ah yes, the true test of trust: Dental Hygiene
4.60💸: okay lmaooo I guess we aren’t strangers
4.60💸: but I’m not actually that smart
4.60💸: I just memorized a few formulas and guessed lol
4.60💸: wasn’t anything really crazy
MONEYBAGS: no bro, you sounded like a scientist
Exorcism Needed 👹: or a narc.
4.60💸: RUDE
4.60💸: I’m burning my future degree as we speak
4.60💸: maybe I’ll just open a hot dog stand
respect your elders: we’re putting that bridge on your tombstone when you make it, you know that right?
4.60💸: I hate it here
Felix ☀️: we love you here!!
Phantom 🤡: ew
Felix ☀️: I’ll get you to appreciate the Good Vibes one day
…. ….
+XX XXX XXX 635 has started a new chat!
+XX XXX XXX 635 has added +XX XXX XXX 894 to the chat
+XX XXX XXX 635 has changed +XX XXX XXX 894’s name to: Phantom
+XX XXX XXX 635 has changed +XX XXX XXX 635’s name to: not old
not old has named the chat ‘hi’
15:28
not old: Hi Phantom
not old: Uhhh this is kinda random
not old: You’re not busy right?
Phantom: emotionally or physically
not old: Either?
Phantom: no and no.
Phantom: what’s up
Phantom: who died
not old: Nobody? I just… wanted to check that I wasn’t just imagining something and it seemed like you clocked it too so
Phantom: lame. but go on.
Phantom: cautiously
not old: Earlier in the chat… did 4.60 seem kind of off to you?
not old: Like when we joked about him being an engineering student?
Phantom: you mean when he backpedaled so fast he left skid marks?
Phantom: why?
not old: Well
not old: It felt like it hit a nerve?
not old: Which isn’t good, I’m starting to wonder if he’s gone offline because of it
Phantom: probably did. seems like he’s weird about compliments
Phantom: but especially ones about being smart
not old: That’s what I thought…
not old: I just didn’t want to be the only one reading into it too much
Phantom: you were reading into it too much
Phantom: but unfortunately, that means I am now
Phantom: so that’s two of us
not old: Great. Mutual overthinking. Love that for us.
Phantom: love is a strong word
not old: It was sarcasm…?
not old: Anyway
not old: While I’m here
not old: You know I’m not here for the wrong reasons or anything right?
Phantom: what
not old: Oh, it was just the thing about the mint chocolate ice cream!
not old: I didn’t know if that was a real test or not
not old: Figured I’d clarify before someone threw me out the chat haha
Phantom has changed the chat name to ‘Daddy Chill’
not old: WHAT
Phantom: it’s what you need to do
Phantom: you’ll give yourself a heart attack
Phantom: as much as I hate mint choco
Phantom: you’re fine
not old: Oh okay
not old: Good
not old: Thanks, it’s just a habit to overthink
Phantom: you overthink
Phantom: Felix overcompensates with heart emojis
Phantom: 4.60 panics the second someone says “smart”
Phantom: and I make fun of all of you for free
Phantom: the circle of life
not old: That was…really observant
Phantom: occupational hazard.
not old: What occupation…?
Phantom: if you guess it correctly, I’ll tell you
not old: Then what’s the point in that????
Phantom: exactly.
not old: Hmmm
not old: Do you think I should say something to 4.60?
not old: Maybe I should check in and see if he wants to talk about it
Phantom: not yet. give it a bit
not old: You’re kind of scary when you’re right
Phantom: and yet here you are, confessing your trust issues over mint choco ice cream
not old: I WAS BEING VULNERABLE
Phantom: and I tolerated it. generously.
Notes:
Well it took so long to post this bc I have no idea what my engineering friends do… they just go to class, do math and come back idk
but I’d like to say I tried 💔
Chapter 9: gråfjället
Summary:
Previously on Hot Singles in Your Area (please don’t report spam)…
Felix☀️: Wait, what’s this about a bridge? Are we building a bridge?
MONEYBAGS: 4.60 is an engineer??? HIM???
MONEYBAGS: I’m never crossing a bridge againFelix☀️: what if he just really likes bridges???
4.60💸: Guys… STOP. I’m just trying to do my homework, not build bridges for a living. 😩
respect your elders: …but you will eventually?
4.60💸: ….yes.
…. ….
Notes:
omg I just noticed!! 1000 HITS??? you guys are amazing. thank you for reading my silly little fic
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
…. ….
Hot Singles in Your Area (please don’t report spam)
08:55
MONEYBAGS: so my sister bribed me into building her new bedside table
respect your elders: Why couldn’t the electrician mafia do it?
MONEYBAGS: Chae said that she, and I quote ‘couldn’t be assed paying actual professionals, you’re good enough’
MONEYBAGS: *my sister
4.60💸: LMAOOOOO
4.60💸: SHE REALLY SAID ILL SETTLE FOR YOU
Felix ☀️: oooo good luck
Felix ☀️: send us a pic when you’ve done it!!!
MONEYBAGS: building IKEA furniture for $30 and lunch? easy win
Exorcism Needed 👹: said no one ever
Meong Meong 🐶: those instructions deserve their own place in hell
4.60 💸: frfr (I like them don’t kill me)
Felix ☀️: yeah but you’re - excuse my pun - built for this
Felix ☀️: like don’t engineers die for floor plans and stuff
4.60💸: THE PICTURES ARE CUTE OKAY
Phantom 🤡: you’ll come crying to us in half an hour
respect your elders: Yeah all of my furniture is IKEA and I hated every minute of building it
Felix ☀️: oh yeah I remember that
Meong Meong 🐶: ???
Felix ☀️: AS IN I TOO HAVE ALL IKEA FURNITURE
MONEYBAGS: well I will be fine regardless
MONEYBAGS: expect a fully done gråfjället very soon
4.60💸: a fully what
…. ….
+XX XXX XXX 889 has started a new chat!
+XX XXX XXX 889 has named it ‘help me’
+XX XXX XXX 889 has changed their name to ‘man with no plan’
man with no plan has added +XX XXX XXX 890, +XX XXX XXX 896 and +XX XXX XXX 893 to the chat!
man with no plan has named the members ‘Meong’, ‘Exorcism’, and ‘4.50’ respectively
09:15
man with no plan: IM IN HELL
Meong: is this a good time to say I told you so
4.50: HEY I HAD AN EXTRA 10 CENTS IN MY ACCOUNT THANK YOU VERY MUCH
man with no plan: [a picture of a living room space, with pieces of metal, screws and an instruction manual strewn across it. the toolbox in the corner is almost empty as it appears that almost every tool has been used, even the wrench]
man with no plan: keep this in this chat, I am NOT admitting defeat to Phantom
man with no plan: or Felix
man with no plan: Felix’s disappointment would probably make me cry
Meong: Felix would rather mail you a lopsided cupcake and send an online hug than say he’s disappointed
man with no plan: well that’s good
man with no plan: because I don’t know what I’m doing 🥹
Exorcism: how about we start with putting down the power tools
Exorcism: you’ve done well so far, although I think you will have to start over, you’ve shown good perseverance
Meong: did you really use the sandwich method on a 5’6 adult man
man with no plan: HOW DID YOU KNOW IM 5’6
Meong: it’s the short man rage
man with no plan: YAH IM AVERAGELY HEIGHTED
Exorcism: can’t you just pay someone to do it?? moneybags style?
man with no plan: no
man with no plan: I’m not that guy
man with no plan: and i told my sister that I could do it
man with no plan: so I’ll figure it out
Meong: right
Meong: Send us pics of the manual then
man with no plan: really?
Meong: you’d rather do this yourself?
man with no plan: NO
man with no plan: [pictures carefully taken of each page of the instruction manual]
4.50 has changed the chat name to ‘Operation Furniture’
…. ….
Daddy chill Private Chat
09:16
Phantom: hot take: IKEA furniture is just Lego for middle aged men
not old: Are you calling me old?
not old: Again?
not old: Read my nickname!!
Phantom: I did. And I laughed.
not old: Counter hot take: you can’t mock me, you have IKEA furniture somewhere in your room too
Phantom: hot take: no
Phantom: my cats would destroy them in seconds
not old: YOU HAVE CATS
Phantom: yes
Phantom: [several pictures of 3 cats in various poses, including some of them being absolute menaces]
not old: NO YOU DONT
not old: THEY’RE GORGEOUS
not old: SO ADORABLE
Phantom: i know.
not old: WHAT ARE THEIR NAMES???
not old: Don’t hold out on me Phantom
Phantom: [a picture of all 3 cats lying on the couch together, one giving the camera an impressive side eye]
Phantom: so the one staring judgementally is Soonie, the middle one is Doongie, and the one on the end is Dori
not old: AWWWWW
not old: I would die for them
not old: They look so happy too
Phantom: i hope they are
not old: Do you have any more pictures?
Phantom: obviously
Phantom: who do you take me for? a cat dad without any pics?
…. ….
+XX XXX XXX 892 has started a new chat!
+XX XXX XXX 892 has added +XX XXX XXX 888 to the chat!
+XX XXX XXX 892 has named the chat ‘Is tax evasion evading us??’
+XX XXX XXX 892 has changed their name to: Felix
+XX XXX XXX 892 has changed +XX XXX XXX 888’s name to: evading taxes
09:31
Felix: hi!! It’s me
Felix: Felix!! From the group chat
Felix: just wanted to check in because you’re usually like
Felix: terminally online
Felix: and you’re not now so
Felix: let me know if everything’s okay!
Felix: sorry to bother you if it is
…. ….
is tax evasion evading us Private Chat
10:10
evading taxes has changed the chat name to ‘tax evasion is NOT evading us’
evading taxes: I get it, you missed my blissful input in the chat
evading taxes: my phone number ends in 888 for a reason
evading taxes: an angel gifting you all with joy
Felix: YOURE BACK YAY 😁🫶✨
evading taxes: yeah I was just at my pottery class
evading taxes: it’s like every 2 weeks until 10am
evading taxes: so I actually have to sleep early
Felix: of all the things I thought had happened, I didn’t expect it to be a pottery hobby!
evading taxes: well it’s right next to my rock climbing gym, so I thought why not
Felix: ROCK CLIMBING???
evading taxes: oh yeah, gotta keep myself ready for the moment I get invited onto survivor
evading taxes: I was gonna do fencing but then the sweaty masks is a hard no
evading taxes: no blemishes shall pass here
evading taxes: wait why did you think I was avoiding you guys??
evading taxes: or you???
Felix: oh ummm I just get nervous around it
Felix: that’s all!!
Felix: I didn’t know you had so many hobbies!!
evading taxes: I was told recently that everyone has a Thing
evading taxes: so I’m not gonna pry, but you don’t have to worry about it
evading taxes: and of course I have hobbies, it’s why I’m so interesting
Felix: I already thought you were interesting
evading taxes: oh
evading taxes: okay mr sunshine
evading taxes: you want to know what is actually interesting???
evading taxes: so there was this woman who once threw a whole vase in class-
…. ….
Operation Furniture Private Chat
10:10
Exorcism: i’m begging you to stop putting screws in without checking the diagram
man with no plan: i’m intuiting the structure
4.50: valid approach
Meong: what the hell does that mean
man with no plan: something still doesn’t look right
Meong: no shit
man with no plan: [picture of something that vaguely resembles a bedside table, but is wonky, and the legs are two different lengths]
4.50: congrats on building a modernist sculpture of despair
Exorcism: it’s definitely making me despair
man with no plan: it’s that bad?
man with no plan: fuck me
man with no plan: maybe I should call Chae
Meong: Wait.
Meong: Give me a minute.
Meong: [an annotated screenshot of the bedside table, almost looking like a war plan with 3 different colour labels pointing everywhere and their respective notes on the side]
Meong: red = flipped piece, yellow = missing bracket, blue = you being dumb
Meong: You’re not beyond hope
man with no plan: oh
man with no plan: great..?
Exorcism: oh yeah, it looks like you needed to flip that L-bracket before screwing in the support rod
man with no plan: so I’ll…unscrew this..?
4.50: and that bolt on the side is a bit longer than the others, you’re meant to keep that for later
Exorcism: I didn’t even see that
man with no plan: ????
man with no plan: how did you know that??? Are you guys some IKEA gods????
4.50: IKEA furniture is just my thing 💪 gotta love the diagrams
Exorcism: (page 12 of the instructions. they’re kind of helpful sometimes.)
man with no plan: okay so I think this is the time to be open and say I’ve never done this by myself before
Exorcism: I think this is the time to be open and say that we can tell
Exorcism: did you not build cardboard cities as a kid??
moneybags: no?
Meong: that might just be a you thing, Exorcism
4.50: I used to make people out of pasta if that counts
Meong: please tell me you didn’t eat it after
4.50: I can lie if that helps
Exorcism: how about we get back on task guys! How is the drawer component looking?
4.50: Exorcism’s Teacher Mode has been reached
4.50: moneybags some of those legs aren’t meant to be legs
man with no plan: which part is meant to be the leg. WHICH PART IS THE LEG
4.50: you see the smaller leggy boy? That’s meant to be one of the internal supports
4.50: the chonky ones are the legs, the ones that kinda get skinny in the middle and fat at the bottom
Exorcism: I hate how that made so much sense
4.50: so get rid of them and we can attach them later
4.50: we can do the drawers first
Meong: so we’re abandoning the instructions now?
4.50: I like to go where my heart takes me
4.50: they’re just a guide anyway
Meong: 🤨
4.50: yeah look! The problem is probably here:
4.50: [a picture taken of a laptop screen, showing a fully rendered Solidworks diagram of what the gråfjället is supposed to look like, with a hand pointing to the door for the drawer space]
4.50: I built it in SolidWorks and I think the problem is where I’m pointing
Meong: that was quicker than reading the instructions?
man with no plan: bro WHAT
4.50: idk man I was bored and it just happened
Exorcism Needed: are you okay
4.50: emotionally? no
…. ….
Daddy Chill Private Chat
10:26
not old: Hot take: coffees after 9am don’t count
Phantom: lukewarm take at best. if you’re not 4 coffees and 1 red bull in by 5am are you even trying
not old: Are you okay???
not old: Have you had any water?? Like today?? To balance it out??
Phantom: don’t worry old man
Phantom: hydration is stored in the sarcasm
not old: Let me guess
not old: Occupational hazard?
Phantom: you know me well
…. ….
Operation Furniture Private Chat
10:28
man with no plan: [a picture update of the furniture and it actually looks like a beside table]
man with no plan: wait. wait. no one touch anything. I think I just did this part right????
4.50: AYEEEEEE
Exorcism: YEEEESSSSSS
4.50: IT LOOKS SO GOOD
Exorcism: definitely much better than before!!
Meong: You got further than I thought.
man with no plan: is that praise I hear
Meong: it’s a statement. calm down.
man with a plan: I fully expect you to be jumping for joy when this is done btw
…. ….
Daddy Chill Private Chat
11:05
not old: Hot take: hope today’s okay for you (please don’t overdose on caffeine I’m quite concerned actually)
Phantom: hot take: it is now
Phantom: I stole two cupcakes from the break room (and no I won’t die)
not old: That’s so self-care coded
Phantom: i know. thriving. growing. living life.
…. ….
Operation Furniture
11:07
man with no plan: [sent a picture of the finished product. it looks a little unstable, but is altogether a semi-functional bedside table]
man with no plan: masterpiece.
Exorcism: you really did that.
4.50: you sure did.
Meong: wow.
…. ….
+XX XXX XXX 893 has started a new chat!
+XX XXX XXX 893 has added +XX XXX XXX 890 and +XX XXX XXX 896 to the chat!
+XX XXX XXX 893 has changed their name to 4.60
4.60 has changed +XX XXX XXX 890 and +XX XXX XXX 896’s names to Meong and Exorcism respectively
4.60 has set the chat name to ‘we’re not gonna tell him’
(The group chat profile picture is a close-up of the crooked handle on the bedside table)
11:08
4.60: we’re not telling him, right?
Exorcism: about the handle? absolutely not.
Meong: man’s got pride. let him have it.
4.60: he’ll find out when his sister opens the drawer and it falls off.
Exorcism: a natural consequence. I believe in experiential learning.
4.60: we’re going to hell for this, aren’t we
Exorcism: worth it
Meong: speak for yourselves. I annotated.
…. ….
Hot Singles in Your Area (please don’t report spam)
11:12
MONEYBAGS: [a picture of the final product]
MONEYBAGS: against all odds, we stand victorious.
Tax Evasion: are the handles meant to be doing… that?
Phantom 🤡: that table’s got scoliosis
Felix ☀️: I’m proud of you! I think
Felix ☀️: is it a bit wobbly? Yes. But it’s so cute!!
Felix ☀️: a little gremlin table
respect your elders: Is it structurally sound or is that just hope holding it up
MONEYBAGS: haters. I see the vision.
Tax Evasion: oh no, don’t mistake our words
Tax Evasion: this is art.
Tax Evasion: almost as iconic as I am
MONEYBAGS: you’re all just mad because you didn’t get paid in pad thai and emotional growth
4.60💸: you didn’t even get the pad thai yet
MONEYBAGS: I’m manifesting it. Just like I manifested that table standing upright.
Meong Meong 🐶: bold of you to assume it’s standing upright and not just… leaning with intent
respect your elders: If it collapses in the middle of the night, it dies a warrior’s death
Felix ☀️: I love you guys so much 🥹
Felix ☀️: and Phantom do NOT say ew
Notes:
guess who is plagued with a cold?? ME THATS WHO
so yea I will likely be sleeping this week off, unfortunately for this ficoh and I hope you enjoyed the chapter!
do I know what a gråfjället is? nope, I just went on a 5 minute IKEA scroll for a name. Is it funny? Absolutely
Chapter 10: BLOOD PACT BLOOD PACT
Summary:
Previously on Hot Singles in Your Area (please don’t report spam)…
MONEYBAGS: you’re all just mad because you didn’t get paid in pad thai and emotional growth
4.60💸: you didn’t even get the pad thai yet
MONEYBAGS: I’m manifesting it. Just like I manifested that table standing upright.
…. ….Felix ☀️: I love you guys so much
Felix ☀️: and Phantom do NOT say ew…. ….
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
…. ….
Hot Singles in Your Area (please don’t report spam)
19:04
MONEYBAGS: so I was at the gym
Meong Meong 🐶: shocker
MONEYBAGS: bro.
Meong Meong: it’s like… all you do
MONEYBAGS: NOT TRUE
MONEYBAGS: I AM MORE THAN THE GYM
4.60💸: I know three things about you for certain: your sister has wild connections to the electrician industry, you go to the gym, and
4.60💸: I forgot the third one actually
Exorcism Needed 👹: he might have a horse?
4.60💸: THATS TBE ONE
MONEYBAGS: the sheer disrespect right now
respect your elders: You did send me a pic of your protein powder shelf
MONEYBAGS: IN CONFIDENCE
MONEYBAGS: YOU DONT SHARE YOUR SHELVES WITH JUST ANYONE
Phantom 🤡: were they just as wonky as the bedside table
Felix ☀️: lol yeah Chan hyung showed me that yesterday
Felix ☀️: the protein powder is all the same brand too 😭😭
4.60💸: LMAOOOO
4.60💸: wait
4.60💸: Chan hyung? 👀
Felix ☀️: oh shit
Meong Meong 🐶: So, that’s @respect your elders ‘s name, I’m assuming?
Tax Evasion: you got to name sharing
Tax Evasion: without me?
Exorcism Needed 👹: or the rest of us?
Tax Evasion: yeah yeah but
Tax Evasion: WITHOUT ME???
MONEYBAGS: well I thought we weren’t up to that yet??
…. ….
AUSSIE AUSSIE AUSSIE Private Chat
19:15
Lix: Chan
Lix: Chan hyung I’m so sorry omg
Lix: it was just habit and the name just slipped past
Lix: I know you didn’t want to share it
Lix: I just messed everything up I can’t believe I slipped up like that
Lix: ugh I’m too much and so stupid you have every right to drop me I can’t do anything right
Lix: I’m so so sorry
Chan: Felix
Lix is typing…
Lix has stopped typing.
Lix is typing…
Lix: you’re mad at me it’s okay I’m sorry
Chan: Lixie
Chan: it’s a name reveal, it’s alright
Chan: it’s not like you doxxed me or anything
Chan: and I’m not going to drop you for something as small as that
Chan: it’s okay
Lix: yeah but
Chan: but it’s a group chat with some people
Chan: my first name isn’t something insanely personal
Chan: is it earlier than expected? Sure. Is it a big deal? Nah
Lix: ☹️
Lix: the others are all going to be
Lix: mad
Lix: when they realise we already knew each other
Lix: and they’ll leave
Lix: I’m really really starting to like these guys hyung I don’t want to lose them and I messed it all up
Lix: I ruined it didn’t I
Lix: Yeong Hwan was right
Chan: Yeong Hwan is a terrible person
Chan: And I don’t say that about people often
Chan: What he and those other guys did isn’t what’s happening here
Chan: I promise
…. ….
Daddy Chill Private Chat
19:18
Phantom: you’ve gone quiet old man
Phantom: or should I say chan?
not old: ha ha
not old: That rhymed
not old: lol
Phantom: something’s off.
Phantom: you giving yourself a heart attack again?
not old: No
not old: It’s not that
not old: It’ll be fine
Phantom: chan.
Phantom: try again
Phantom: without deflection
not old: …
not old: It’s just
not old: Felix is spiralling about the name thing
not old: Thinks he’s ruined everything
Phantom: he didn’t
not old: Yes but he doesn’t see it that way
not old: I think he’s about 3 seconds away from a panic attack and the messages from the chat about it aren’t helping
not old: So I’ve got to help Felix then I’ll text all the group chat members privately or something I don’t know
not old: There’s a lot happening at once
not old: I don’t know
Phantom: okay
Phantom: want me to step in?
not old: I don’t know
…. ….
Hot Singles in Your Area (please don’t report spam)
19:20
Phantom 🤡: i’m minho
Phantom 🤡: congrats everyone
Phantom 🤡: feel free to discuss. you have 2 minutes.
MONEYBAGS: why do I feel like it’s not actually free to discuss
4.60💸: WHAT
4.60💸: WE GOT PHANTOM LORE BEFORE GTA 6???
Phantom 🤡: don’t make it weird
Meong Meong 🐶: So how did we get a Phantom name reveal and why was I expecting it to be Edgelord Supreme
Phantom 🤡: do you wish for death
Exorcism Needed 👹: he would come back to life just to study the blood spatter
Phantom 🤡: bold of you to assume I’d give him the satisfaction of a spattery death
MONEYBAGS: please stay at least 10 metres away from me
…. ….
AUSSIE AUSSIE AUSSIE Private Chat
19:21
Chan: See, they’ve moved on already
Chan: And if Phantom revealed his name of all people, it’s can’t be a big deal
Chan: Felix?
…. ….
Hot Singles in Your Area (please don’t report spam)
19:22
Tax Evasion: where did Felix go? did he log off or something?
Tax Evasion: because I wanted credit for the most dramatic name reveal
Tax Evasion: obviously
Tax Evasion: so if everyone could turn your attention to my beautiful self
Exorcism Needed 👹: ew
Tax Evasion: since everyone is being so NICE and WHOLESOME
Tax Evasion: I’m the one and only Hwang Hyunjin 💅 don’t forget it babes
4.60💸: you’re still saved as gerd in my contacts 💞
Phantom 🤡: as in acid reflux?
Tax Evasion: THATS WHAT I SAID
Meong Meong 🐶: accurate
Meong Meong 🐶: me when I see your name pop up on the notification bar
Tax Evasion: UNPROVOKED???
Exorcism Needed 👹: bold words coming from Meongie over here
Meong Meong 🐶: Die.
4.60💸: IM JISUNG BTW
4.60💸: HAN JISUNG
4.60💸: BUT YOU CAN CALL ME JISUNG
4.60💸: OR HAN IDC
4.60💸: SORRY IVE BEEN SO EAGER TO SHARE EVERYTHING AND NOW I FINALLY CAN
Phantom 🤡: Alice’s work was cut out for her
4.60💸: NOT EVERYONE CAN BE MYSTERIOUS OKAY
MONEYBAGS: clearly…
MONEYBAGS: So, I’m Changbin?
Exorcism Needed 👹: why do you say that like it’s a question
Phantom 🤡: he can’t remember his scam name
MONEYBAGS: BRO
Exorcism Needed 👹: well I remember mine
Exorcism Needed 👹: it’s Jeongin
Meong Meong 🐶: are we all name sharing now? sigh.
4.60💸: obviously!!! online friendship speedrun
Tax Evasion: don’t be a loser
MONEYBAGS: it could be fun to share
Tax Evasion: gosh Changbin, I can’t believe you’re pressuring him like this
4.60💸: shame on you. Shaaaaaame
MONEYBAGS: I can’t even
Meong Meong 🐶: You are the least convincing people I’ve interacted with
Meong Meong 🐶: Good luck with getting my name
Exorcism Needed 👹: if you share your name, we’ll have something to call you besides Meong Meong?
Meong Meong 🐶: I’m Kim Seungmin.
4.60💸: there was ZERO HESITATION
Meong Meong 🐶: I wonder why that is
Tax Evasion: now that our mortal identities are known, we’re all bound together
Tax Evasion: blood pact when?
4.60💸: YESS BLOOD PACT BLOOD PACT
…. ….
AUSSIE AUSSIE AUSSIE Private Chat
19:23
Chan: See? They’re all still here.
Chan: It’s okay to come back, Lixie
…Seen 19:23
…. ….
Hot Singles in your Area (please don’t report spam)
19:37
Felix ☀️: hey guys
4.60💸: FELIX IS BACKKKK
respect your elders: is everything okay Lix??
Felix ☀️: yeah I’m fine now
Felix ☀️: thanks hyung
Felix ☀️: sorry for worrying you
Exorcism Needed 👹: what happened?
Exorcism Needed 👹: you don’t have to tell us btw
Felix ☀️: no, you guys should probably know
Felix ☀️: so
Felix ☀️: I already knew Chan hyung before the group chat
4.60💸: erm guys
4.60💸: what
Tax Evasion: huh
Exorcism Needed 👹: you know what that kinda makes sense
Meong Meong 🐶: thats…unexpected
4.60💸: by unexpected you mean a bombshell??
Felix ☀️: yeah I know, I’m sorry
Felix ☀️: it’s okay if you want to leave the chat because of it
4.60💸: NOOOO BUT I LIKE IT HERE THO
4.60💸: THIS IS THE FIRST GROUP CHAT I HAVEN’T MUTED
MONEYBAGS: you think I’d leave just ‘cause you knew a guy? please.
MONEYBAGS: I’m staying. why wouldn’t I?
Felix ☀️: idk, I like…betrayed the core idea of the chat? it wasn’t actually fully random?
Felix ☀️: maybe it was a scam after all
Meong Meong 🐶: well that’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard
Meong Meong 🐶: and I’ve heard tax evasion try to explain taxes
Tax Evasion: and I stand by it
respect your elders: you didn’t betray anything either
4.60💸: no money was lost, no emotional damage (besides this name) so no, not a scam!!
Exorcism Needed 👹: and this is coming from the scam expert, so you know it’s reliable
4.60💸: HEY
4.60💸: I STILL GET POSTCARDS FROM ALICE YOU KNOW
Exorcism Needed 👹: do you send any back
Tax Evasion: omg you should
Tax Evasion: I have stamps with my face on it if you want them
Meong Meong 🐶: of course you do
MONEYBAGS: okay look
MONEYBAGS: not to get back into it but, if you knew Chan (hyung??? i assume you’re older than me), why make the chat in the first place
respect your elders: every day I wake up to yet another attack on my age (I’m literally 24)
Exorcism Needed 👹: again, you don’t have to share anything you don’t want to
Felix ☀️: no it’s fine, you guys deserve an explanation
Felix ☀️: ok so this is embarrassing but
Felix ☀️: I don’t actually have a lot of real friends
Felix ☀️: like I’m friendly to a lot of people and they’re friendly to me but
Felix ☀️: I’ve only got Chan hyung and my roommate
Tax Evasion: oh
Tax Evasion: :((
Felix ☀️: I saw someone do this online but I was too nervous to do it by myself
Felix ☀️: so I asked hyung if he could do this with me and he said yes
Meong Meong 🐶: of course he did
4.60💸: thats so dad coded of him
Felix ☀️: well I’m glad he did
Felix ☀️: because I actually enjoy this chat
Felix ☀️: and I didn’t want to mess this one up
4.60💸: and then a minor stuff up led to a major panic?
Felix ☀️: basically
4.60 💸: felttttt
Felix ☀️: I mean, I’ve been ditched by people for a lot less before
MONEYBAGS: who do we need to beat up
Phantom 🤡: ^
Tax Evasion: ^^
respect your elders: agreed
4.60💸: the elder agrees??
4.60💸: but also ^
Exorcism Needed 👹: I’m here for it
Meong Meong 🐶: They’ll never know it was us
Felix ☀️: guys 🥺 it’s okay
respect your elders: you’re the group sunshine, of course we’ve got you covered
MONEYBAGS: these muscles aren’t just to look at 💪
Tax Evasion: send pics? for scientific proof purposes of course 👀
4.60💸: FERAL
Phantom 🤡: blocked.
Meong Meong 🐶: on the family chat and everything. during an emotional moment. shameless behaviour
Tax Evasion: you’re just as bad at emotional conversations as I am, Meongie
Meong Meong 🐶: *Seungmin
Tax Evasion: but real talk, you didn’t mess anything up, Felix
Tax Evasion: if anything you made it iconic
Tax Evasion: like oh no it wasn’t fully random and i accidentally dropped a name?? how scandalous 😱
Phantom 🤡: you took a risk with this chat and it worked out, didn’t it?
respect your elders: exactly. we all like the group chat, and you’re a big part of why
MONEYBAGS: well this group is the literal highlight of my week so I’d say it worked
Tax Evasion: and it’s only the highlight of your week because I’m the highlight of your day everyday 😘
Meong Meong 🐶: how you manage to do that every time astounds me
Felix ☀️: you guys are all so nice ☹️
Felix ☀️: thank you
Felix ☀️: it means a lot to hear that
respect your elders: any time
Felix ☀️: 💖💖💖💖💖💖💖
Felix ☀️: (one for each of you)
…. ….
Daddy Chill Private Chat
19:45
not old: hey Minho
Phantom: hi chan
not old: Everything’s okay now
not old: And I wanted to say thank you for what you did
Phantom: for what
Phantom: that was all you
not old: You seem like a private person, so it meant a lot that you just dropped your name in the chat like that
not old: And just… thanks. For being there
Phantom: you sounded like you needed someone to be
not old: Yeah…
not old: I did
not old: Thanks
…. ….
AUSSIE AUSSIE AUSSIE Private Chat
19:53
Lix: hyung
Lix: can I say something kinda… lame?
Chan: Always
Lix: I think
Lix: I didn’t realise how much I needed this chat until I thought I’d lose it
Lix: like
Lix: I didn’t even know I was holding on that tight to it
Lix: until I thought I messed everything up
Chan: Lixie…
Lix: I know it’s dumb
Lix: like it’s just a group chat
Lix: and it’s only been a month or two
Lix: but it doesn’t feel like just anything anymore?
Lix: in the chat I can be myself without having to work for it
Lix: like I don’t have to say the right things to be liked
Lix: I can send pics of my food and get clowned for it but still leave feeling happier than I was before
Lix: and it’s really scary how much that matters to me
Lix: because what if it does go away
Chan: That’s not lame at all. or dumb, either
Chan: It makes sense
Lix: yeah
Chan: Well, it’s not going away
Chan: Not because of a slip-up
Chan: Not because you care too much
Chan: And I know the others would agree
Lix: you’re gonna make me cry again lol
Chan: Then that’s what we’re gonna keep building, yeah?
Chan: A place where you get to be you without being scared it’ll be too much
Chan: And a group where you can trust we won’t just let you go
Lix: I really love you, hyung
Lix: I don’t mean it in a weird way I just
Lix: you were the first person who didn’t make me feel like I had to be anything else
Chan: Love you too, Lix
Chan: You’re not too much
Chan: You’re just right
Chan: And I’m proud of you
Lix: 💗
Chan: You want to come over and watch House?
Lix: do you have noodles?
Chan: The buldak ones and everything
Notes:
head is empty, but at least the chapter is done!
thanks for reading! also 100 kudos??? insane.
Chapter 11: interlude: meringue
Summary:
Previously on Hot Singles in Your Area (please don’t report spam)…
Lix: I know it’s dumb
Lix: like it’s just a group chat
Lix: and it’s only been a month or two
Lix: but it doesn’t feel like just anything anymore?Lix: in the chat I can be myself without having to work for it
…. ….
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
…. ….
+XX XXX XXX 896 has started a new chat!
+XX XXX XXX 896 has added +XX XXX XXX 892 to the chat!
+XX XXX XXX 892 has changed their name to: jeongin
jeongin has changed +XX XXX XXX 892’s name to: felix
jeongin has changed the chat name to ‘felix + jeongin’
10:35
jeongin: [A picture, slightly blurry, of young students who are about seven or eight years old, dressed in paper chef hats, gathered around a baking tray in what appears to be a small kitchen. Flour is all over the bench and streaked across some of their faces, but they’re all grinning]
jeongin: thought you’d like this
felix: WHAT THIS IS SO CUTE?!?
felix: they look like they’re having the best time 😭😭 my heart 💓
felix has changed the chat name to ‘jeongin’s bakery 🧁’
jeongin: had to instruct a ‘hands on lesson’ today because my supervising teacher couldn’t be bothered to make a lesson plan
jeongin: so I figured I’d take a leaf from your book and cause the maximum amount of chaos possible through food
felix: ah so then you brought out the weapons of mass destruction (the food dye)
jeongin: no, that was the kid’s choice, they wanted to make galaxy cupcakes
jeongin: one kid really really wants to make a glittery alien spaceship but I don’t think cupcakes do that
felix: not really
felix: hmmm
felix: but
felix: you probably could with a meringue?
jeongin: oh
jeongin: i dont know how to make one
felix: really?
felix: well I guess you’re in luck! you have a chef right here!!!
felix: let’s make this kid the spaceship of their dreams ✨
jeongin: at this point, why not
jeongin: I’m down for it
felix: i can send over some online recipes I’ve got bookmarked?
felix: I should have my recipe notebook somewhere too…
felix: or I can send it as a text!!
jeongin: hold on
felix: oh yep! sorry!!
jeongin: no you’re fine
jeongin: children near food and flour requires two hands
felix: you don’t have to text me!! omg if you’re multitasking between looking after them and talking to me, go make cupcakes with them!! I can send you the recipe later
jeongin: it’s no big deal
jeongin: I’m quite literally always online, it’s honestly a problem
jeongin: like if I go offline for more than two hours assume I’m dead at this point
felix: don’t worry, I’d release a search party after 30 mins tops ☺️
jeongin: accurate response
jeongin: anyway, I just told my students about the meringue
jeongin: they’re very excited
felix: AWWWW OMG 🥹🥹
jeongin: but I can’t juggle basically making it for them and looking at the recipe and making sure they don’t eat all the cupcake batter
jeongin: if I had been given more than 1 hour of notice I would have printed the recipe out 🫤
felix: I have an idea
felix: but I don’t want to overstep
felix: so you can say no
jeongin: ???
felix: what if I called and walked you through it?
felix: sorry that was a bit silly
jeongin: that’d actually be really nice
jeongin has changed felix’s name to: pro chef
jeongin has changed their name to: sous chef
sous chef: give me five minutes?
pro chef: okay!! 😊
…. ….
sous chef has started a voice call!
pro chef has joined the call!
…. ….
“Hi, Jeongin!” Felix says earnestly, although sounding slightly hesitant in tone.
“That’s your voice?!” Jeongin blurts out, sounding genuinely surprised. Then, adding after, “Huh. Didn’t expect that.”
Felix laughs, easing a little.
“Yeah, I get that a lot. Wait, you aren’t older than me are you? Oh my gosh I don’t mean to be disrespectful or anything-“
“-Don’t worry,” Jeongin cuts in, a little amused. “I’m 20. And judging by your chaotic accent, I’m assuming you’re older?”
“Phew. Yeah, I’m 21. But don’t feel pressured to address me a certain way! If that’s how it works… I’m a bit new to this,” Felix says, a bit sheepishly.
Jeongin hums. “Australia, right?”
“Huh?”
“You said you were Australian?”
“Oh, yeah. I didn’t think you’d remember that.”
“Why wouldn’t I? Anyway, it explains your accent.”
Felix groans, “It’s that obvious? I tried so hard to hide it too!” The exasperation in his voice makes Jeongin laugh a little.
“Don’t worry, you’re still easy enough to understand, even if you sound like you want to square up with a kangaroo or something.”
Jeongin heard Felix mutter something along the lines of ‘- wouldn’t do that to Chan hyung’ under his breath
“Hey, is it okay if I put you on speaker? It’d let me use my hands-“
“-Yes of course!”
Felix heard a few things shift in the background of the call, and Jeongin say to who he presumed were the kids in an enthusiastic tone, “Guess what… I have a chef on speaker with me right now, he said he’d love to help us with our meringues!” Felix heard an excited screech and some surprised outburst of ‘really?’ from the students.
“Yes, his name is Felix and he’s very good at making desserts!”
There was a chorus of ‘hi Felix!’ from the background of the phone. Of course, one child chimed in, “Wait, Mr Yang… you have friends?”
Jeongin spluttered. Felix giggled.
…. ….
“Okay, but do not stir it like that,” Felix says through the phone, laughing. “You’re meant to be folding it, not assaulting it.”
“I’m not assaulting anything,” Jeongin mumbles, the sound of a metal utensil clanking in the background. “This is a gentle fold.”
“That is not gentle! I can hear the spatula clanging on the bowl from here!” Students laugh in the background, seeming to agree with Felix.
“Mr Yang, when can we put the glitter in?” A child asks impatiently. Jeongin lets out a quiet sigh.
…. ….
“Mr Yang, my meringue looks scared! See, it’s all flat!” A student said.
“It should be. We’re making it fabulous. Right, Felix?”
“Absolutely.”
…. ….
“Well, the meringue disks are in the oven, the kids seem to want it on top of their galaxy cupcakes now.”
“Let them have it, I’m sure they’ll be fine.”
“Says the one who doesn’t have to stop them from climbing up the walls,” Jeongin huffs, before clapping his hands loudly. “Okay students, that’s enough glitter. You’ll be eating more today anyway. Let’s sit and do some reading while we wait!” Shuffling and footsteps can be heard in the background.
“You’re really good at this, you know.“
Jeongin is quiet for a moment.
“Oh. Thanks,” Jeongin responds a little softly, before clearing his throat and saying, “Class, what do we say to Felix?”
“THANK YOU FELIX!”
“I hope the meringues are pretty!”
“Thanks, Felix,” Jeongin replies sincerely.
“That was fun. And I do hope it works! I should let you go now, though.”
“Bye then, pro chef Felix.”
“Bye, sous chef Jeongin.”
…. ….
The voice call has ended!
…. ….
6 days later
…. ….
jeongin’s bakery 🧁 Private Chat
12:30
sous chef: [a picture taken of a school newspaper, clearly written by one of the students, titled, ‘Galaxy Cupcakes Take Over the Universe!’ The article features a picture of Jeongin, eyes sparkling while he smiles as widely as the students in front of him, who are holding up their cupcakes up to the camera like an offering. Little glittery meringues sit on top of the cupcakes, with some being bright yellow, some purple and some blue.]
pro chef: 🩷🩷🩷
pro chef: i’m printing this out
pro chef: this is going on my fridge
Notes:
2 chapters in a week? I know. I’m procrastinating.
Hope you enjoyed!
Chapter 12: jeongin alone
Summary:
Previously on Hot Singles in Your Area (please don’t report spam)…
“I hope the meringues are pretty!”
“Thanks, Felix,” Jeongin replies sincerely.
“That was fun. And I do hope it works! I should let you go now, though.”
“Bye, pro chef Felix.”
“Bye, sous chef Jeongin.”…. ….
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
…. ….
Hot Singles in Your Area (please don’t report spam)
10:03
4.60💸: man they’re laying out some tar stuff on the roads
4.60💸: why does it look so tasty
Meong Meong 🐶: what
MONEYBAGS: so that’s horrifying
4.60💸: I stand by what I said
Felix ☀️: bonding exercise!!! would you all eat tar if given the chance????
MONEYBAGS: no???
4.60💸: and if it was rich in protein?
MONEYBAGS: ….
MONEYBAGS: how much protein are we talking here
Meong Meong 🐶: no muscle is worth that
Tax Evasion: it would get stuck in my hair
Tax Evasion: and my clothes
Tax Evasion: we can’t afford that, or you guys will lose all of *this*
Meong Meong 🐶: the first part is…actually reasonable
Tax Evasion: obviously?
4.60💸: it looks like melted liquorice
4.60💸: I vote yes
respect your elders: you know what why not
Phantom 🤡: I expected more of you, old man
Phantom 🤡: absolutely not.
Felix☀️: what if I asked you to?
Phantom 🤡: is that meant to change what I said
Felix ☀️: Jeongin would do it for me
Felix ☀️: Right??
…. ….
10:40
Felix☀️: @Exorcism Needed 👹??
Tax Evasion: the radio silence lmaooo
MONEYBAGS: he’s probably working
Felix ☀️: but it’s a Saturday, he never mentioned an additional job or anything!
MONEYBAGS: he could be doing other stuff
MONEYBAGS: do you know how long it takes to assemble ikea furniture?
Phantom 🤡: by your standards or everyone else’s?
MONEYBAGS: YAH
Felix ☀️: guys let’s be nice, we’re friends remember!!
Felix ☀️: anyway I just want to hear his take!!!
Felix☀️: I’ll tag him one more time for good luck
Felix ☀️: @Exorcism Needed 👹
…. ….
Jeongin wasn’t checking the time again. Nope. Not at all. He was just turning his phone off, right? And if he was looking at the time, he hoped it wasn’t in a way that the woman across from him would notice.
His phone pinged, the sharp sound slicing through the stifling awkwardness. Jeongin assumed it was the group chat, considering they’re the only people who text him. The woman’s smile dropped just a fraction, so he quickly opened his phone, typed: ‘busy’ and turned it off, mumbling a sheepish apology.
His mother was right, she was pretty, yet he couldn’t shake the sinking feeling in his stomach every time she asked a question. To be fair, she was trying. Sweet, friendly, interested. Maybe too much so. Every time they made direct, prolonged eye contact - far too long for a first date - he sat a little straighter.
…. ….
It had been 43 minutes.
It’s agonising, the way time drags along exactly when you want it to fly past.
Other people would kill to be sitting with this woman, and there he was, in the coffee shop that had been decided on, counting the sugar packets in the little cup on the table.
Part of him wanted to apologise to her outright for wasting her time.
He just needed to make it to an hour, then it’s socially acceptable to leave, right? Fake an excuse, an emergency… maybe say he got called in to work. Then go home, tell his mother it didn’t work out, accept the disapproving looks.
Just like last time. And the time before that.
He could swear his mother ran from the same script. A couple of questions, a loud sigh, right before showing him a photo of another woman his age from her church group the very next week, claiming he’ll ’like this one even more’. And he’ll go, because the argument that would unfold otherwise simply wasn’t worth it anymore.
…. ….
The train ride home was blessedly silent, but it gave him too much time to think. And by the end of it, Jeongin reached his parent’s house with a mix of bone-deep exhaustion and dread.
He opened the door, bracing himself for the process that was bound to come.
He walked into the corridor, the savoury scent of his father’s signature dish wafting from the kitchen. Jeongin waved at the picture of his brother, the blueprint, hung up in the hallway like he always did, but the face staring back at him didn’t provide much solace.
It looked like his mother had opened all the windows - something about getting the old air out of the house - letting the harsh light filter through the windows. The kitchen was open and bright, which made Jeongin feel totally exposed.
The conversation his parents were having immediately stopped as they glanced at him with an appraising look. They didn’t ask how it went. They didn’t need to.
And honestly? The silence was already loud enough.
Jeongin ran a hand through his hair in a feeble attempt to compose himself enough to give an excuse for the failed date. The one time he tried to explain what really happened, it ended with his mother crying and his father accusing him of being selfish.
He never tried again.
He rattled off reasons quickly this time, trying to ignore the way his father’s eyes still flicked up to his hair every time he spoke.
The blue colour was a relatively new development, which made one of the older students he tutored - a future biologist, honestly, he needed to talk to Hyunjin about it - tell him that he looked like those frogs that had bright colours to warn predators to stay away.
Aposematism - Jeongin had googled it later. A natural warning sign that said ‘don’t even try, I’m not for you, choose someone else’. Back then, it had made him laugh, and he quickly curated a collection of frog stickers to hand out to his students. But now, as he watched his mother rush for her phone to find another stranger that she thought might fix him, he kind of got it.
“Sit,” his father said in a suggesting tone that made it sound like he wasn’t asking. So he did, and braced himself for what was about to come.
The noticeable screech of the heavy chair against the tiles really summed up how he was feeling…
He stopped that train of thought when he saw his father’s frown deepen.
“You’re 20 now.”
His father stated with finality. Like it was a verdict.
“You’re the same age as when Wonsik met Haerim-” -And they were engaged 2 years later, married at 23 with a kid at 24. What else does he say? Something about their jobs and money. Completely skips over the fact they moved countries and only visit us twice a year-
“Are you even listening? Don’t be disrespectful, you know how important this is,” his father asked, waving a hand in his face. Jeongin hadn’t realised that he had zoned out so quickly this time.
His mother hums as she moved to the table, phone in hand, adding, “You always wanted to get married young, remember? You did tell me you wanted to have lots of children, just look at how much you love little Minjoon.”
She was right, his nephew was a ball of sunshine, but he never could recall the time he ever felt like he wanted to get married, let alone mention it to them.
“This is just that first step. You’ll find a nice girl, Jeongin. You’re just a bit shy.”
Jeongin quietly took a deep breath and gritted his teeth, his shoulders going rigid.
As his parents continued, their words began to blend together like static. He caught every third sentence, maybe. That was enough to guess the rest.
…. ….
“Your father’s right, you know, this is a good way to get you out of that shell of yours.”
…. ….
“Adding on to that point, we can’t keep doing all the heavy lifting. What are you planning to bring to the table?”
…. ….
Part of him wanted to argue, to fight back, do something, explain that it felt so wrong to meet and date someone off the bat. That to him all that… dating and marriage stuff was just ticking off the boxes on the checklist titled ‘Things He Has To Do’. That he really didn’t understand the hype around it like everyone else seemed to. But he didn’t. He bit his tongue and did what he did best - shut his mouth.
After all, how could he explain his problems to his parents if he didn’t even know how to describe them?
He almost hoped his parents would instinctively catch on, like a telepathic message they could read and understand, but they didn’t.
Jeongin was alone.
The harsh light and their even harsher stares made the kitchen table feel more like some police interrogation room.
It was times like these where he wished he really was a frog.
…. ….
Jeongin shut the door in a slow, controlled manner. Any other way and he thought he would have slammed it off his hinges.
He was fine, really. He just needed a minute to let the tension bleed out of his shoulders and hide away in the safety of his bed. Jeongin turned off the lights and closed the blinds, burrowing under the covers.
Curled in the fetal position, Jeongin closed his eyes, appreciating the darkness as his mind reeled. It’s not like the conversation was unexpected, so he shouldn’t have been hurt by what they said.
And the problem was, he didn’t know why it hurt.
All he did know was that each jab was a chisel digging loving sentiments into the cracks of himself. Eventually, the cracks would give way, he knew. But it couldn’t be now. Jeongin had to force those pieces to hold together.
His eyes shot open when his phone pinged, echoing in the silence of his room. He squinted at the light, but he checked the notifications anyway. It was the group chat. Jeongin reluctantly opened his phone and scrolled upwards, trying to pick up the tail end of the silly debate that was taking place.
He just stared at the messages, a smile tugging at the corner of his mouth but not quite making it.
His thumb hovered over his chat with Felix for a minute, and opened the message bar to type. Then he closed it, his thumbs moving away.
He didn’t text, but still, he stayed. Just scrolled. Just listened.
At least they were there.
Notes:
because sometimes things happen behind the screens
Chapter 13: felix, quietly
Summary:
Previously on Hot Singles in Your Area (please don’t report spam)…
Jeongin’s phone pinged, the sharp sound slicing through the stifling awkwardness. The woman’s smile dropped just a fraction, so he quickly opened his phone, typed: ‘busy’ and turned it off, mumbling a sheepish apology.
…. ….
Jeongin’s thumb hovered over his chat with Felix for a minute, and opened the chat to type. Then he closed it as his thumbs moved away.
He didn’t text, but still, he stayed.
At least they were there.
…. ….
Notes:
Just a quick note before we begin, this chapter contains one (1) overthinking sunshine, a few anxiety spirals, and the dread that comes with not being texted back sometimes. Nothing graphic or explicitly distressing, but still, take care of yourselves pls 💖
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
…. ….
Hot Singles in Your Area (please don’t report spam)
10:54
Exorcism Needed 👹: busy
Felix ☀️: oh
Felix ☀️: okay sorry for disturbing you
Felix ☀️: we’ll leave you alone!!!
…. ….
Felix was trying very hard to convince himself that his stomach didn’t need to drop at that message.
It was a neutral message, right? Just ‘busy’. It could mean a plethora of things. But…it’s just ‘busy’. No full stop, no sentence. Just one word.
He took a deep breath. He could spiral over the connotations of the text later. He had animals to care for.
Jeongin’s probably busy.
Probably.
…. ….
Felix sighed, brushing the fur of one of KPPA’s older residents, Pip. He volunteered often, as the shelter was a quiet space with animals in need of some love and affection that he was more than happy to provide. The bulldog snored as he moved the brush down, lying still in appreciation.
It was slow. Repetitive. And totally fine until his thoughts started to wander.
Did I say something in the chat? Maybe that’s why he said he was busy.
Nope. His brain was not going there. Jeongin was fine. Everything was fine.
Unless it wasn’t. He said he was always online, remember?
The thought hit like cold water on his spine.
Pip shifted to look at him, snorting loudly. He blinked back to attention, and glanced down at his hands that were wringing tightly against the brush. He hadn’t realised he’d stopped brushing her.
Felix resumed, which Pip seemed very happy to continue. His fingers though, they seemed to twitch closer and closer to his phone with every second.
It’s best to check, right? Then if you did something…you can fix it.
After a moment, he gave in. Felix dropped the brush and grabbed his phone, opening the group chat. He carefully scrolled upwards, searching for anything off. Any line that might’ve come across the wrong way. Any joke that didn’t land. He’d brush Pip properly after, maybe give her a treat as an apology.
Everything seemed fine, even if Jeongin seemed a little distant. He let out a sigh.
It’s not a big deal. Stop making it one. He’s fine. You’re fine. Focus on your work.
He felt something warm and heavy move on his lap. Coarse fur under his hands.
It was Pip, who had turned around to poke her face at his chin, staring at him questioningly.
“I’m okay, Pip. Thanks though. Let’s get back to it, huh?”
If he brushed her longer than necessary, Pip didn’t complain.
…. ….
Felix was productive and competent and completely in a haze.
He went through the motions of the day like a well-oiled machine: fed the kittens, responded to Hyunjin’s texts about the ballroom dancing class he took with his sister that week, read over the instructions for tomorrow’s lesson.
He would have to wing the cooking practical.
As he was about to send a picture of KPPA’s lizards to Jisung, who declared that reptile eyeballs were ‘freaky’, all his thoughts ran to a halt besides one nagging voice in the loudest part of his mind.
Would Jeongin like this if I sent it to him too? It could cheer him up!
Not that anything’s wrong with him.
But if there was…
No , that would be weird. I don’t even know if anything is actually wrong. He’s just…not texting.
It would be too much. Too pushy. Don’t be annoying. People need space from others sometimes, and that includes me…
….Not even if I could help? What if an upbeat text is what he needs?
He sighed, deleting the picture entirely.
… . ….
Felix was totally fine. Just like Jeongin was. Even though Jeongin had ghosted the group chat for a day and a half now.
He just didn’t want to talk. I mean — that’s normal, right? People get tired. People get overwhelmed. It’s not always about me.
….Except it kind of always felt like it was.
He took a little longer to jam his keys through his apartment door after his shift, and shuffled to the couch like he couldn’t lift his feet off the floor.
So he sat there for a while, just thinking. Which, for him, is probably the worst thing he could have done. But honestly? There weren’t any more thoughts. It was as if his brain had used up all its energy earlier, and had nothing left. A glorious moment of an empty mind, blank as the walls his gaze rested on. It was exhausting, but also a relief, because he was finally free from the unhelpful suggestions that his mind supplied throughout the day.
He barely noticed his roommate shoving a mug in his hands. Tea, with one sugar, just how he liked it. He hummed in thanks, but after a while, he noticed that she hadn’t moved. Felix’s eyes shifted from the wall to her face, a calculating look masked with a neutral expression - the one she did when she was trying to figure a person out.
Ryujin let out a breath through her nose. Eventually, she rested her hand on his shoulder, squeezing reassuringly. Felix found himself leaning into it, suddenly very grateful that he never had to explain himself to her. Slowly, she moved away, slinking back into her room where he knew she’d emerge from 3 hours later demanding food.
The familiar notification sound pinged from his phone, and he scrambled across the couch embarrassingly quick to check who it was from.
It was Lia, sending through the next fortnightly schedule. His shoulders and face dropped, but he told himself off for doing so because Lia was the only one who colour coordinated the schedule nicely and made it easy to read—
But it wasn’t Jeongin.
Who was okay. With or without my incessant worry.
He shouldn’t care this much either. In the grand scheme of things, they barely knew one another. What right does he have to insert himself into Jeongin’s business, even if it is well-intentioned?
He’s done it before. Thought too hard about what he was going to say and the ways it could be interpreted. Showed up too much. Was too much. Answered too quickly. Got in the way.
And people didn’t like it.
So that was a learning curve, right?
To use what they had said to better himself.
Now he knew what he wasn’t meant to do.
He wasn’t meant to double text. He wasn’t meant to spam. He’s meant to give people space. Even if he thought they weren’t okay. Even if he worries. Even if they’re his friends.
He shouldn’t care this much.
Felix bit his lip, holding back the tears that began to well up in his eyes.
But he does.
He really, really does.
He hung his head.
And that’s the terrifying part.
Because what if Jeongin never comes back? What if this is what caring always feels like — too much, too soon, and never enough?
He didn’t know what to do.
Remembering what was in his hands, he lifted the mug to his mouth.
The tea was cold.
He took another sip.
…. ….
The room was dark, his phone screen the only light as he plugged it in, the 01:48am written on his lock screen staring at him judgementally.
It was his day off from the shelter, so he went out with Ryujin for lunch. He visited Chan for their Aussie Night, which consisted of them sitting on Chan’s couch, watching Kath & Kim, and eating Caramello Koalas. He was quoting lines with Chan, laughing, and enjoying himself. He was okay.
It had been three days of nothing. Jeongin’s responses in the group chat were fewer and more distant. It wasn’t going to change now, Felix just had to accept it.
His worry for Jeongin had faded to a low ache in the back of his head, a small twist in his stomach when his thoughts wandered further than they needed to.
But it was still there.
He rolled over and shut his eyes.
Ping.
His phone lit up.
No, don’t check it. It’s probably just the group chat or a notification about some game I haven’t touched in weeks or—
He almost turned his head away to go back to sleep.
Almost.
But there was still a part of him that wanted to be sure. That needed to be. So his hand snaked towards his phone, pulling it closely enough to see the contact name.
jeongin 🧁
The name sat there on his lockscreen. Small. Unassuming.
But it hit like a punch to the ribs.
Jeongin had texted.
Instead of the immense relief he had expected to feel, his stomach clenched a little tighter.
Should I reply right away? No, that would be too desperate. Maybe I should leave him on delivered for five minutes. Would that be weird? That’s probably too long. Maybe I’ll wait just one minute. I’ll count down from 60 before responding. 58, 58, 57…
What if he needs me for something though? I don’t want to seem like I’m ignoring him.
Felix opened the text message.
jeongin: hi
So simple. So short. So….sad? Maybe Felix was reading into it, but he couldn’t help but respond back.
felix: jeonginnie!! you’re back!!!
He hid the mix of worry and relief he felt in the exclamation marks.
jeongin: yeah
jeongin: i didnt want you to worry
felix: oh
felix: is everything okay?
There was no response. Felix knew people didn’t double text, but maybe he could break that rule. Maybe.
felix: do you want to talk about it?
Felix moved to type, but noticed Jeongin’s text bubble pop up, disappear and pop up again. He paused to give Jeongin the chance to say what he wanted to without feeling rushed.
jeongin: can you tell me about your day
jeongin: or something
jeongin: please
Felix blinked.
No full stop, no sentence. It was just one word.
But it cracked something open in him.
It was the first time in a while where his chest didn’t feel too small.
All the tension he didn’t know he held had left his shoulders. The back of his neck ached from it. Those 3 days of panic? Like it never happened. He was okay.
And he knew now, Jeongin might not be, but he reached out. He wanted Felix there. Felix wasn’t being pushy. So that’s what he did.
He told him everything. About his day with Chan. About how Ryujin convinced him to make a pie at 11pm.
One message at a time.
Notes:
If I forgot to post this last week, no I didn’t.
ALSO HOLLOW RELEASE??? Eating my hat rn it is so good. AND THE MV?? The symbolism??? The outfits?? The lore I can’t figure out for the life of me? Screaming.
Chapter 14: yet another mis-steak
Summary:
Previously on Hot Singles in Your Area (please don’t report spam)…
Felix was productive and competent and completely in a haze.
He would have to wing the cooking practical tomorrow.
…. ….
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
…. ….
Hot Singles in Your Area (please don’t report spam)
14:02
Felix ☀️: hi guys!
4.60 💸 : FELIXXXXXX HIHIHI
Felix ☀️: sorry I’ve been a bit MIA!
Felix ☀️: but. um.
Felix ☀️: hypothetically speaking
Felix ☀️: what if I, maybe,
Felix ☀️: got into a small kitchen accident?
Tax Evasion: Welp there goes the group chat lol (but also don’t die)
4.60💸: it was fun while it lasted (pls tell me you’re ok)
Meong Meong 🐶: Thoughts and prayers
MONEYBAGS: the lack of sympathy is astounding
MONEYBAGS: you heartless scoundrel
Meong Meong 🐶: he gave me this fuckass nickname
Meong Meong 🐶: and gave you that fuckass nickname
MONEYBAGS: wasn’t it technically Jisung
Meong Meong 🐶: and who began it? who enabled it?
MONEYBAGS: ok valid
MONEYBAGS: rip Felix
Felix ☀️: I can’t believe you guys would abandon the chat like that if I disappeared!!
Felix ☀️: but also what do I do
respect your elders: What did you do?? Are you okay? How can we help??
Felix ☀️: it’s just a minor kitchen disaster?
Meong Meong 🐶 : Kitchen disaster?
Felix ☀️: before anyone panics — I’m fine!!
Felix ☀️: no crying or anything. just a dumb moment and some steak-related bloodshed 💖
4.60 💸 : WHAT??? FELIX??? BLOODSHED??
MONEYBAGS: Sounds like you’re making cooking school interesting
Felix ☀️: [a blurry picture of a wet hand with a cut across the palm, and soap suds trailing down his wrist]
Felix ☀️: See it’s not that bad!!! but it’s also bleeding more than the steak
Exorcism Needed 👹: you said hypothetically like you weren’t actively bleeding out
MONEYBAGS: THAT’S not that bad???
respect your elders: So I have Thoughts
Exorcism Needed 👹: put some salt on it
Tax Evasion: bold of you to say, DEMON SPAWN
Exorcism Needed 👹: he wanted advice, so I gave some
4.60💸: isn’t salt for ghosts???
4.60💸: or did I watch supernatural wrong
Tax Evasion: idk I was just there for Sam
Meong Meong 🐶: Dean was clearly the better choice.
4.60💸: MEONG MEONG??? WATCHING SUPERNATURAL? WHAT IS THIS
Tax Evasion: firstly, incorrect opinion.
Tax Evasion: secondly, is mercury in retrograde or something??? PLEASE ELABORATE HOW MUCH DID YOU WATCH
Meong Meong 🐶: *Kim Seungmin
4.60💸: THAT DOESNT ANSWET ANYTHING
MONEYBAGS: why did I think he was the type of person exclusively watch David Attenborough because it’s the only ‘dignified’ television show
Tax Evasion: BLOCKED.
respect your elders: I second that
MONEYBAGS: WHAT DID I DO??
MONEYBAGS: CHAN WHY ARE YOU TURNING ON ME TOO
Tax Evasion: we do not diss Sir David Attenborough in this household.
respect your elders: Masterpiece and peak cinema.
respect your elders: Especially the blue planet
Tax Evasion: ok valid but consider - our planet
Exorcism Needed 👹: um that’s cool and all
Exorcism Needed 👹: but
Exorcism Needed 👹: Felix’s radio silence is freaking me out
Exorcism Needed 👹: please don’t actually use salt. and don’t die.
respect your elders: Yeah nah Felix don’t do that
respect your elders: Do you have anything to stop it from bleeding?
Phantom 🤡: correct, not too deep, just bleeding. looks fine. apply pressure, clean with antiseptic, wrap it with a bandage.
4.60💸: why was that so professional wtf
4.60💸: do you have a PHD in household injuries or something???
Phantom 🤡: i’m a paramedic you clowns. i know this shit.
Tax Evasion: wait you have a JOB???
Tax Evasion: mercury truly is in retrograde
Tax Evasion: hold on I need to find my amethyst
4.60💸: SINCE WHEN WERE YOU A PARAMEDIC
4.60💸: YOU SAVE PEOPLE? EMPHASIS ON NOT MURDERING THEM??
Meong Meong 🐶: I refuse to believe someone actually employed you
MONEYBAGS: I would be more scared of you holding sharp things than my actual life threatening injuries
Tax Evasion: WE NEED PROOF
4.60💸: YES STRANGER DANGER DONT TAKE RANDOM PEOPLES ADVICE ON THE INTERNET
Meong Meong 🐶: I’m sure Alice from Minnesota agrees with that sentiment
4.60💸: OH IS THIS ATTACK 4.60 DAY NOW???
respect your elders: What, like it’s hard?
Tax Evasion: OMG
Tax Evasion: THANK GOODNESS SOMEONE ELSE IN THE CHAT IS CULTURED
Meong Meong 🐶: yeah but it’s the old man. what does that say about you
Tax Evasion:🖕
respect your elders: ^^
respect your elders: Wait no, was that mean
Tax Evasion: I’ll do it for you
Tax Evasion: 😃🖕(from me),🖕🥹 (from Chan)
respect your elders: (We still love you Seungmin)
Tax Evasion: (do we??)
Felix ☀️: (Yes)
Exorcism Needed 👹: for once, I agree with Jisung about Minho’s paramedic skills
Exorcism Needed 👹: I work with a bunch of liars for a living. cold hard proof or I don’t trust you
4.60💸: tHE CHILDREN???
Exorcism Needed 👹: exactly.
Phantom 🤡: [A higher angled selfie of a man in a short sleeved paramedic uniform with the face cropped out, from the neck down. The logo scribbled out, but the name tag ‘Lee Minho’ is visible.]
Phantom 🤡: there. you happy?
respect your elders: …
…. ….
AUSSIE AUSSIE AUSSIE Private Chat
14:19
Lix: You good there mate??
Lix: don’t act like I didn’t see your name go on and offline and back on again
Chan: yeh I’m totallt fine wdym
Lix: it’s ok hyung I know you have a thing for uniforms
Chan: HOW DID YOU KNOW THAT NO I DO NOT
Lix: do you remember that one time
Lix: where that firefighter walked into KPPA in full uniform
Chan: No.
Lix: and he was looking for some puppies to adopt
Lix: and you looked like you were gonna pass out
Chan: NO.
Lix: and I took over and he said that
Chan: OH MY GOD OOAY SO WHAT I WAS JUSTFIED
Lix: so that’s not happening at all right now
Lix: not even with the arms out on display
Chan: nOPE
Chan: I’m fine!
…. ….
Hot Singles in Your Area (please don’t report spam)
14:23
respect your elders: cool! 👍
…. ….
AUSSIE AUSSIE AUSSIE Private Chat
14:23
Lix: very slick, hyung
Chan: I WAS BEING POLITE
Chan: DONT YOH HAVE A HAND TO FIX?
Lix: oh yeah! Brb 💕
…. ….
Daddy Chill Private Chat
14:25
Phantom: so
Phantom: cool, huh?
not old: …What
Phantom: just saw the message
Phantom: felt very
Phantom: succinct
not old: I didn’t know what else to say! There was a lot happening in the chat!!
Phantom: sure
Phantom: super convincing
Phantom: your eloquence really sold it
not old:🧍♂️
not old: I was just trying not to escalate the chaos
not old: Like Felix was hurt, Seungmin was single handedly taking on Hyunjin and Jisung and you revealed your job??
Phantom: hmm
Phantom: thought maybe it was the arms
not old: IT WASN’T
Phantom: capital letters. interesting.
Phantom: hit a nerve?
not old: I’m not dignifying that with a response
Phantom: that’s fine
Phantom: you already said it was “cool” 😇
not old: I’m never saying the word ‘cool’ again
not old: Why are you like this
Phantom: not sure
Phantom: genetics probably
not old: I’m going to ban you
Phantom: you wouldn’t
not old: I wouldn’t
…. ….
Hot Singles in Your Area (please don’t report spam)
14:29
Felix ☀️: it is a bit of a surprise, but a welcome one!!
Tax Evasion: DAMN
Tax Evasion: maybe I have suddenly thrown myself down the stairs and need saving
Phantom 🤡: i would rather run you over and drive the ambulance back home
Tax Evasion: UNPROVOKED???
Phantom 🤡: deserved.
Phantom 🤡: felix, have you wrapped your hand yet
Felix ☀️: I just did it! Thanks Minho, it feels better already 💖💖💖
Felix ☀️: and my cooking buddy doesn’t look like she wants to cry anymore, so that must be a good sign!!
respect your elders: Wait… you never did answer
respect your elders: How did you manage to do THAT?
Meong Meong 🐶: at this point aren’t you used to having zero context
respect your elders: I am, but I still hold onto hope.
respect your elders: Foolish of me, I know
Felix ☀️: well you know how I’m in culinary school right??
Felix ☀️: it was an assessment today for cooking a specific type of steak that they use in the fancy restaurants
respect your elders: Lix…
4.60💸: uh oh
Tax Evasion: we all know where this is going
Exorcism Needed 👹: hyung they have to stop letting you near the steaks
MONEYBAGS: so is this another mis-steak or
Phantom 🤡: not you too
respect your elders: AHA
respect your elders: YES
respect your elders: IT IS CATCHING ON
respect your elders: VINDICATION
Phantom 🤡: blocked.
4.60💸: WE’RE BRINGING MIS-STEAK BACK???
Phantom 🤡: absolutely not.
MONEYBAGS: I’m disappointed in myself
respect your elders: No you’re not
MONEYBAGS: no I’m not
Meong Meong 🐶: let Felix continue. I’m both nervous and entertained.
Felix ☀️: obviously with some knives around
Felix ☀️: I forgot to look at the practical instructions beforehand so I also didn’t know what we were doing
Meong Meong 🐶: there were instructions
Meong Meong 🐶: why did you not look at the instructions
MONEYBAGS: not everyone lives by the book
MONEYBAGS: and some books are too confusing to assemble furniture with
MONEYBAGS: or food I guess
Exorcism Needed 👹: this feels like projection
MONEYBAGS: IM DEFENDING FELIX’S HONOUR???
Tax Evasion: as you should
Tax Evasion: finally came to your senses
MONEYBAGS: I don’t see YOU coming to save the day??,?
Felix ☀️: thanks Changbin!!! and honestly I tried, I did read it, I just forgot it all lol I’ve been kinda scattered this week
Felix ☀️: had a busy past few days!
4.60💸: FELTTTT
4.60💸: WAIT WHAT HAPPENED TO THE REST OF THE STORY??
Felix ☀️: oh yeah
Felix ☀️: where did I leave off
Felix ☀️: right
Felix ☀️: so my cooking partner for the day put our knives straight in the sink that was already soapy
MONEYBAGS: oh no
respect your elders: I can sense where this is going and I don’t like it
Felix ☀️: which I learned now just why that’s a bad idea
Felix ☀️: because she forgot to warn me and I had no idea it was there when I stuck my hands in to grab dishes to clean
Felix ☀️: so then that happened
Felix ☀️: but she felt so bad and was in tears so I was like it’s fine 😊 but like I was lowkey bleeding out standing there like 🧍♂️
Exorcism Needed 👹: how have you not died yet???
Meong Meong 🐶: natural selection is trying its hardest
Felix ☀️: she’s finishing off our steak right now and she’s done a really good job so at least it was worth it??
Felix ☀️: maybe it was for the best since I can’t cook steak for shit
Meong Meong 🐶: We’re aware.
4.60💸: chat is a good steak grade worth your hand
Phantom 🤡: shockingly, not the first time I’ve heard that
respect your elders: A bit concerned for Felix’s hand and the future of society’s culinary experiences,
Phantom 🤡: haven’t we established that felix is a kitchen hazard of his own?
Felix ☀️: HEY 😭😭😭
Meong Meong 🐶: do we need to do a poll?
Felix ☀️: NOOOO
respect your elders: But I’m more surprised that you have such an…outgoing job
respect your elders: This was the occupation for the occupational hazards all along?
Phantom 🤡: you’ve never asked
Exorcism Needed 👹: ok Mr Mysterious
respect your elders: AND I LITERALLY HAVE???
Phantom 🤡: and I can be outgoing.
Tax Evasion: doubtful
Phantom 🤡: do you want to die
4.60💸: so all those times you ghosted us for like a day
4.60💸: you weren’t sitting in a dimly lit corner, brooding about the meaning of life with a glass of whiskey in hand?
Meong Meong 🐶: you’ve really thought about this a lot huh
Phantom 🤡: i wasn’t brooding
Phantom 🤡: i was literally at work
Felix ☀️: por que no los dos
4.60💸: yeah, that’s exactly what a brooding, whiskey-sipping enigma would say
Meong Meong 🐶: do you have a whole novel drafted on this?
4.60💸: no
MONEYBAGS: I can sense the lies from here
4.60💸: no
…. ….
Daddy Chill Private Chat
22:37
Phantom: hot take: “cool! 👍”
not old: Was there anything else to the hot take?
Phantom: nope.
not old: I give up
Notes:
average Hot Singles conversation
Chapter 15: the great age debate
Summary:
Previously on Hot Singles in Your Area (please don’t report spam)…
Felix ☀️: hypothetically speaking
Felix ☀️: what if I, maybe,
Felix ☀️: got into a small kitchen accident?…. ….
Phantom 🤡: i’m a paramedic you clowns. i know this shit.
Tax Evasion: wait you have a JOB???
Tax Evasion: mercury truly is in retrograde
Tax Evasion: hold on I need to find my amethyst…. ….
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
…. ….
Hot Singles in Your Area (please don’t report spam)
19:38
MONEYBAGS: so I’ve come to the realisation that I genuinely don’t know how old everyone is
MONEYBAGS: apologies if I’ve been disrespectful or whatnot
Meong Meong 🐶: ‘or whatnot’
4.60💸: crazy work
4.60💸: BUT ALSO YOURE SO RIGHT 😭
Felix ☀️: sorry everyone 😭✨ this is actually so embarrassing for us
Felix ☀️: like seriously how do we NOT know?? we’ve known each other for how long?
Phantom 🤡: too long
Felix ☀️: I should have expected that 🥹🥹
Meong Meong 🐶: well we know Chan is basically prehistoric
Tax Evasion: dinosaur coded
4.60💸: one strong gust of wind and he crumbles to dust
respect your elders: I open the chat and this is what I return to
respect your elders: How many times have I said that I’m not old?
Exorcism Needed 👹: do your knees crack when you bend down, hyung?
MONEYBAGS: that happens to lots of people actually regardless of age
Tax Evasion: ah, so you’re one of Them
MONEYBAGS: one of what??
Exorcism Needed 👹: old
MONEYBAGS: YAH
…. ….
+XX XXX XXX 635 has started a new chat!
+XX XXX XXX 635 has added +XX XXX XXX 889 to the chat!
+XX XXX XXX 635 has named the chat ‘I Pay Rent And My Knees Hurt’
+XX XXX XXX 635 has changed their name to: Chan
+XX XXX XXX 635 has changed +XX XXX XXX 889’s name to ‘Changbin’
19:43
Chan: Welcome to the club
Changbin: BUT IM NOT OLD
Chan: That’s what we all said
Changbin: WDYM WE ITS JUST YOU HERE
Chan: So it’s still true, isn’t it?
Changbin: oh my god
Changbin: I got stuck with the group dad
Changbin: IM LITERALLY 22
Chan: So were we once
…. ….
Hot Singles in Your Area (please don’t report spam)
19:46
Felix ☀️: omg should we do a poll to see who we think is the oldest before the reveals!!
4.60💸: YES
respect your elders: NO
Felix ☀️ has begun a poll, titled ‘Who do you think is *actually* the oldest?’
Options:
• Chan (refuses to admit it. Basic answer, but safe)
• Jeongin (secretly old?)
• Minho (I suggest tentatively because he scares me)
• ME!!
• Seungmin (lurks in the chat. Is it on purpose, or does he not know how to use his phone??)
• Changbin (confessed that his knees crack)
• Jisung (no ❤️)
• Hyunjin (a conspiracy theory??)
All chat members have completed the poll!
Results:
• Winner: Chan (refuses to admit it. Basic answer, but safe) - 3 votes
• 2nd place: Minho (I suggest tentatively because you scare me) - 2 votes
• 2nd place: Seungmin (lurks in the chat. Is it on purpose, or does he not know how to use his phone??) - 2 votes
• 4th place: Jisung (no ❤️) - 1 vote
Meong Meong 🐶: okay who voted for Jisung
4.60💸: not even I did 😭
Exorcism Needed 👹: At first I thought it would be too ironic to be true
Exorcism Needed 👹: but with our chat, that’s usually exactly what happens
Felix ☀️: wait does nobody think I could be the oldest 😭
Meong Meong 🐶: nope. not possible
Exorcism Needed 👹: you’re my hyung
Exorcism Needed 👹: but not THE hyung
Exorcism Needed 👹: if that makes sense
Felix ☀️: 😭😭
Meong Meong 🐶: It’s your energy
…. ….
+XX XXX XXX 892 has started a new chat!
+XX XXX XXX 892 has added +XX XXX XXX 890
+XX XXX XXX 892 has named the chat ‘Seungmo & Sunshine’
+XX XXX XXX 892 has changed their name to: Sunshine
+XX XXX XXX 892 has changed +XX XXX XXX 890’s name to: Seungmo
19:52
Sunshine: what’s wrong with my energy 😭🥹
Sunshine: I can be a responsible hyung!!!
Seungmo: firstly, I despise this name
Seungmo: secondly, I never said you weren’t one
Seungmo: You’re just soft
Sunshine: soft?
Sunshine: okay 🙂
Seungmo: Maybe warm would be a better way to put it
Seungmo: And I didn’t mean it in a bad way
Seungmo: You make people feel lighter
Seungmo: So even if you might not give off ‘The Hyung’ energy as Jeongin put it
Seungmo: It’s not a negative thing
Sunshine: really
Sunshine: pls don’t joke I will cry
Seungmo: I’m not
Seungmo: God I hate sincerity
Sunshine: aww Seungmo 💖
Sunshine: you’re so sweet
Sunshine: even if you pretend you’re not
Sunshine: I can see it hiding in you!
Seungmo: *Kim Seungmin
Seungmo: Now move on I can’t stand this
Sunshine: emotions???
Seungmo: Exactly.
Sunshine: OKAY OKAY 😭😭😭 HOLD ON
…. ….
Hot Singles in Your Area (please don’t report spam)
19:57
Felix ☀️: based on the results, if chan’s prehistoric
Felix ☀️: then what’s minho
Felix ☀️: fossilised?
4.60💸: FELIX YOURE GONNA DIE
Tax Evasion: braver than the marines
MONEYBAGS: I’m sure Felix had a good life
MONEYBAGS: Not a long one, but a good one
Phantom 🤡: i’m 23. i’ll accept my fossilised status.
MONEYBAGS: what is this
Tax Evasion: I’m gonna faint
4.60💸: FAVOURITISM
4.60💸: THIS IS BLATANT FAVOURITISM
4.60💸: IF I SAID THAT YOU WOULDVE SCORCHED ME OFF THR FACE OF THE EARHT
Phantom 🤡: unfortunately for you, you’re not felix
4.60💸: WHAT DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH ANYTHHNG.
Phantom 🤡: you want me to scorch the group sunshine ‘OFF THR FACE OF THE EARHT’?
4.60💸: OK VALID 😭
4.60💸: BUT I COULD BE A GROUP SUNSHINE
4.60💸: YOU NEVER KNKW
Exorcism Needed 👹: see you’re a sunshine in the sense of that one raccoon that someone saw chilling in the trash one day and decided to adopt
4.60💸: see I don’t know if I should be offended or accept my trash raccoon status
respect your elders: You can be a little feral (I say that with love)
Felix ☀️: So that makes Chan hyung older than Minho hyung, since he’s 24
Meong Meong 🐶: Physically? Yes. Spiritually? Doubtful.
Meong Meong 🐶: Minho’s soul is like 300 years old. He’s seen empires fall.
Phantom 🤡: Kim Seungmin.
Meong Meong 🐶: I’m not afraid.
…. ….
Chan has added +XX XXX XXX 894 to ‘I Pay Rent And My Knees Hurt’
Chan has changed +XX XXX XXX 894’s name to: Minho
20:01
Chan: hey Minho!
Minho: hi Chan
Chan: welcome to the council of elders
Minho: I’m just here for the Costco trips
Changbin: it’s just easier to bulk buy stuff there instead of buying it all individually
Minho: who in their prime has ever said that
Changbin: OKAY FINE THEN IM AN OLDIE
Minho: spectacular. when’s the fishing trip.
…. ….
Hot Singles in Your Area (please don’t report spam)
20:05
MONEYBAGS: ok hang on let’s just go around and say our ages
MONEYBAGS: try to control the chaos
4.60💸: there is no controlling it. just embrace it
respect your elders: well so far it’s me, then Minho, and then you. We’re pretty similar in age actually!
Tax Evasion: I KNEW IT
Tax Evasion: CHANGBIN YOU’RE OLD
MONEYBAGS: HOW OLD ARE YOU??
Tax Evasion: 22
Tax Evasion: but a young 22
Phantom 🤡: what does that even mean
4.60💸: bro are you okay
Tax Evasion: like i have a young aura
MONEYBAGS: then you’re the same age as me???
Tax Evasion: wait.
Tax Evasion: no.
Tax Evasion: no no no no
Tax Evasion: CHANGBIN IS 22??
MONEYBAGS: yeah bro
Tax Evasion: I DM’D YOU
Tax Evasion: TO CALL YOU CRUSTY
MONEYBAGS: you did
Tax Evasion: I SAID YOU WERE DUST
MONEYBAGS: yep
Tax Evasion: OH MY GOD
Tax Evasion: I CALLED YOU PRE-GRAVE
MONEYBAGS: and now look at you
MONEYBAGS: my peer
Tax Evasion: don’t say that
MONEYBAGS: my equal
Tax Evasion: STOP
Exorcism Needed 👹: my favourite part is how quiet chan’s being
respect your elders: I’m watching you all implode like a true elder
…. ….
Chan has added +XX XXX XXX 888 to ‘I Pay Rent And My Knees Hurt’
Chan has changed +XX XXX XXX 888’s name to: Hyunjin
20:11
Hyunjin: no.
Hyunjin: take me out.
Hyunjin: this is a mistake.
Chan: welcome, my son
Hyunjin: I AM NOT YOUR SON
Chan: that’s exactly what someone my age would say
Changbin: you called me a grandpa
Hyunjin: it was different then
Changbin: oh? how?
Hyunjin: you just seemed so…
Hyunjin: practical
Chan: is that a euphemism
Hyunjin: I THOUGHT YOU WERE LIKE 25
Changbin: I’M TWENTY-TWO
Hyunjin: i feel sick
Minho: it’s the age
Hyunjin: NOT YOU TOO
Minho: when the back pain sets in
Chan: When you start caring about grocery points
Hyunjin: this is a hate crime
…. ….
Hot Singles in Your Area (please don’t report spam)
20:16
Meong Meong 🐶: glad to see Hyunjin’s taking this well
Tax Evasion: taking what well
Tax Evasion: I hate everyone
Tax Evasion: *except Felix
Felix ☀️: YAY!
4.60💸: THE FAVOURITISM
4.60💸: AGAIN?!!
Tax Evasion: well I don’t see YOU sending me a DM about how I’m still young and cool
4.60💸: do you
4.60💸: do you want me to
Tax Evasion: please don’t
4.60💸: thank god
Meong Meong 🐶: don’t worry, I’m sure you’ll always be hot if that’s what you’re concerned about
Tax Evasion: yeah
Tax Evasion: well.
Tax Evasion: hot doesn’t last forever
Changbin: eh I’m sure you’ve got a few good years left in you
Tax Evasion: I’m aware
Tax Evasion: lol
Tax Evasion: anyway don’t worry, this hyung will age like fine wine.
Tax Evasion: I’ll be fabulous even in a retirement home. You’ll just have to try to keep up 💅
…. ….
Daddy Chill Private Chat
20:23
not old: Minho?
Phantom: chan?
not old: Did you see
Phantom: the chat?
Phantom: yeah
not old: Should I
Phantom: no
Phantom: i’ve got it
not old: Are you sure?
not old: I don’t want to put anything on you
not old: I was gonna quickly check in anyways
Phantom: go study
Phantom: you’ve got that prac assessment right?
not old: Yeah
not old: Didn’t think anyone remembered
not old: Thanks Minho
Phantom: don’t die old man. take breaks.
Phantom: i will be checking.
not old: That’s vaguely threatening
Phantom: i’m vaguely threatening
not old: Hot take: I disagree
Phantom: hot take: stop procrastinating
…. ….
+XX XXX XXX 894 has started a new chat!
+XX XXX XXX 894 added +XX XXX XXX 888 to the chat
+XX XXX XXX 894 has named the chat ‘old and hot’
+XX XXX XXX 894 has changed their and +XX XXX XXX 888’s names to ‘phantom’ and ‘tax evasion’ respectively
20:30
phantom: you alright, tax fraud?
tax evasion: yeah lol
tax evasion: just mourning my youthful glow
tax evasion: why
phantom: just checking
phantom: you’re quieter than usual
phantom: which is suspicious coming from you
tax evasion: wow, even Minho is comforting me today
tax evasion: idk whether to be touched or terrified
tax evasion: also I can be quiet and mysterious
phantom: disagree
phantom: that’s more my style
phantom: yours is more
phantom: screech about astrology and insult changbin’s entire existence in the same breath
tax evasion: sigh
tax evasion: being an icon is tough sometimes
tax evasion: and hyung
tax evasion: you are NOT mysterious
tax evasion: just chronically offline
phantom: i’ll let that one slide. but be careful next time. i won’t be so generous.
phantom: fyi
phantom: hot or not
phantom: doesn’t matter
tax evasion: what
phantom: felix is probably your best bet for opening up but
phantom: i’m here too
phantom: if you need
tax evasion: is this…a pep talk
tax evasion: are YOU okay???
phantom: it was painful to type
tax evasion: it was painful to read
…. ….
Hot Singles in Your Area (please don’t report spam)
20:38
4.60💸: then there were four
Felix ☀️: WAIT CHAN HYUNG SAID HE MADE AN OLDIES GROUP CHAT
Felix ☀️: LETS DO ONE FOR US!!!
Exorcism Needed 👹: 🤨
Felix ☀️: COME ONNN you’ll like it i promiseeee 😭😭😭
…. ….
Meong has added +XX XXX XXX 892 to ‘We’re not gonna tell him’
Meong has changed +XX XXX XXX 892’s name to: Felix
20:40
Meong: There.
Felix: what is this 💀💀
Felix: and why is the pfp of a wonky handle
Felix: wait is that changbin’s ikea thing???
4.60: we had to coordinate plans of attack somewhere
4.60: also recycling group chats feels illegal btw
Meong: it was already there
Meong: efficiency
4.60: STILL FEELS ILLEGAL THANKS
Felix: plans of attack???
Exorcism: Don’t worry, it only involved light bullying, some colour coding, and a solidworks diagram (don’t ask)
Felix: well, with a new purpose, comes a new name!!!
Felix has changed the chat name to ‘Not a cult, just Youth™️’
4.60: you know what hell yeah
4.60: ALSO IM 21 BTW
Felix: IM 21 TOO!! TWINNING
Meong: oh no
Exorcism: what
Meong: I think I’ve mentioned sometime before but
Meong: I’m 21.
Felix: OMG TRIPLETS LETS GO
Exorcism: but…who’s the oldest
Exorcism: I’m willing to bet my firstborn that it’s Seungmin
Meong: Please tell me you’re born after September
Felix: sorry Seungmo!! September 15
4.60: ONE DAY APART???
4.60: I’m September 14 what is this
Meong: I refuse
Meong: Jisung CANNOT be the oldest out of us
Meong: not possible
Exorcism: well, there goes my firstborn
4.60: AHA
4.60: AND MY FIRST ORDER AS SUPREME HYUNG
Felix: Hyung Supreme™️
4.60 has changed their name to: Hyung Supreme
Meong: but how
Meong: you can’t be older
Hyung Supreme: the universe disagrees
Meong: Jeongin, you’re our only hope
Exorcism: so I’m 20
Hyung Supreme: OH MY GOD YOURE A CHILD
Exorcism: why are you yelling 😐
Meong: this is why you’re my favourite
Hyung Supreme: AS I WAS SAYING
Hyung Supreme: as your oldest and wisest hyung
Exorcism: you’re not wise. we just have bad luck with birth dates
Hyung Supreme: YOURE JUST JEALOUS 😤
Meong: of what?
Hyung Supreme: none of you respect me 😤 but it’s okay
Hyung Supreme: I’m used to being the underdog
Hyung Supreme: under-hyung? hyung-dog
Exorcism: please never say that again
Hyung Supreme: fine. a good leader listens to their subordinates
…. ….
Hot Singles in Your Area (please don’t report spam)
20:50
Exorcism Needed 👹: I KNEW you were all older than me. you all give off exhaustion. i’m the only one here with vitality
MONEYBAGS: what goes on in the maknae chat
Felix ☀️: Seungmin’s having an existential crisis, Jisung’s having a power trip, and turns out Jisung is born the day before me!
Felix ☀️: So it looks like by age, it’s Chan hyung, Minho hyung, Changbin hyung, Hyunjin hyung, Jisung, me, Seungmin then Jeongin!!
…. ….
Not a cult, just Youth™️ Private Chat
20:53
Hyung Supreme: chat
Hyung Supreme: Hyunjin’s threatening to join us
Meong: let him stay in The Dust Bowl
Hyung Supreme: he said he’s going to throw you out of a window
…. ….
I Pay Rent And My Knees Hurt Private Chat
03:43
Hyunjin: maybe getting older isn’t so bad
Hyunjin: its just building layers, even if they’re not pretty
Hyunjin: but if I’m not hot
Hyunjin: idk
Hyunjin: I’m just…nothing
Hyunjin has deleted 5 chat messages
Hyunjin: ignore that, I just spelled my texts so badly let me retry
Hyunjin: anyway I was basically saying
Hyunjin: so I was thirsting over cha eun woo and he looked at the camera this one time in a certain way
Hyunjin: and I think I dissociated
Notes:
If it doesn’t have 1 emotional spiral and 1 age joke, it’s not a Hot Singles™️ chat
(pls don’t think too hard about all their ages I tried my best 💔🥀)
Chapter 16: interlude: vanilla slice
Summary:
Previously on Hot Singles in Your Area (please don’t report spam)…
MONEYBAGS: what goes on in the maknae chat
Felix ☀️: Seungmin’s having an existential crisis, Jisung’s having a power trip, and turns out Jisung is born the day before me!
Felix ☀️: So it looks like by age, it’s Chan hyung, Minho hyung, Changbin hyung, Hyunjin hyung, Jisung, me, Seungmin then Jeongin!!…. ….
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
…. ….
Back Pain Bros Private Chat
Members: Chan!, Changbin!
17:46
Chan!: Hey Changbin!
Changbin!: hey hyung!
Changbin!: why are we so enthusiastic!
Chan!: I’m not quite sure!
Chan!: It just feels right!
Changbin!: okay!
Chan!: Wait, you’re not busy are you?
Changbin!: I’m still emotionally recovering from the ‘Chan hyung is older than sliced bread’ conversation, but otherwise no
Chan!: I STILL don’t get it?? Like since people have cut bread into slices, or since it was sold in supermarkets???
Changbin!: is one option really much better than the other
Chan!: True
Chan!: So I did have a question!
Changbin!: ah, so you come for my infinite wisdom
Changbin!: yeah bro
Chan!: Well, it’s not really YOUR wisdom in particular
Changbin!: I’m hurt
Chan!: But it kind of is your wisdom?? I think?
Changbin!: right well now I’m curious
Chan!: Then again it probably is partly your knowledge
Changbin!: YAH ARE YOU GONNA SHARE IT
Chan!: Oh yeah, so your sister’s around your age right? And an electrician??
Changbin!: yes…?
Chan!: So she’s in the dust and sweaty rooms and stuff for long hours right??
Changbin!: she’s out and about all day long, especially when she used to go to mining companies for work experience
Chan!: cool, I was going to ask you, what makeup stuff does she use - if she uses any
Chan!: one of my little sisters’ birthday is coming up
Changbin!: oh
Changbin!: She’s made me be her guinea pig before, but I didn’t retain anything
Changbin!: sorry hyung
Chan!: No worries! Thanks anyway
Changbin!: Maybe Hyunjin would know more? He’s mentioned a sister once or twice
Changbin!: None of the group chat members have really mentioned wearing makeup products either have they?
Chan!: Nah, that’s okay though, I’ll just do some research or something!
Changbin!: did you need to know specifically what Chaeryeong uses?
Chan!: I mean, yeah, it probably would be ideal?
Changbin!: why??
Chan!: Oh, my sister’s in a similar field
Chan!: She’s just getting into it actually! Makes me feel like a fossil seeing her all grown up now
Chan!: Anyway she’s mentioned wanting to try wear makeup a bit more
Chan!: But she’s been hesitant to try it
Chan!: Something about it going crusty and people not taking her seriously
Changbin!: hold on
Changbin!: let me give Chae a call
Chan!: You don’t have to do that! Don’t go out of your way, it was just an ‘if you remember’ thing, it’s not that deep
Changbin!: hyung, I mean this with love
Changbin!: shush
Changbin!: I gotchu
Chan!: It’s okay! Really!!!!
Changbin!: too late
Changbin!: you can’t stop me
…. ….
Back Pain Bros Private Chat
17:59
Changbin!: so I return
Changbin!: with notes
Changbin!: and screenshots
Changbin!: several, actually, you don’t have to use them all 💀
Changbin!: I just annotated as she went
Chan!: Really??
Chan!: Seriously, you didn’t have to do all of this
Changbin!: didn’t have to
Changbin!: but I did anyway
Changbin!: [several pictures of various makeup products, with handwritten notes with a certain messiness that comes with trying to write lots of content quickly]
Changbin!: she also told me to tell you to tell your sister
Changbin!: a) wear sunscreen or ‘I will hunt her down and put it on her myself’ (she wanted me to add ✨sparkles to the message but I refuse)
Changbin!: and b) your sister can wear whatever makeup she likes, within uniform standards of course. it might seem scary to because you don’t know if people are gonna judge or not, but at the end of the day she’s here to do a job that she is more than capable of doing, falsies or no falsies
Chan!: This is literally perfect
Chan!: She’s gonna be so happy
Chan!: Thank you. Genuinely. And your sister (I’ll pass on the messages as well)
Changbin!: don’t worry bout it
Changbin!: happy to help out
Changbin!: it was also kinda nice to see Chae so excited too
Changbin!: like she’s passionate about other stuff, but she never really gets the chance to talk about makeup and whatnot with me since I don’t wear it
Changbin!: it was a different kind of hype than I’m used to
Chan!: You care about her a lot, huh?
Changbin!: of course, she’s all I’ve got.
Changbin!: besides, you probably get the sibling loyalty, younger sister and everything
Chan!: No, I do
Chan!: And she’s our youngest too, so we’re all a bit protective of her
Changbin!: we?
Chan!: My younger siblings and I!
Chan!: Not sure if I’ve mentioned it before, but I’ve got 2 sisters and a brother
Chan!: But I could talk about them all day so I’ll leave it there haha
Chan!: Oh those store names for the products are so handy by the way, that’ll cut down my shopping time by ages
Changbin!: When’s it for? Chae said she can call you when you go out to get them
Chan!: Tell Chaeryeong I said thanks for the offer! I’ll just do it online though, her birthday’s 3 and a half weeks away
Changbin!: that’s more organisation than I have for my entire life
Changbin!: I’m of the opinion that you think about what gift to give for a week beforehand then assemble it 2 days before
Chan!: Ah, intuiting it?
Changbin!: exactly.
Chan!: Yeah, we’ve seen the pics of your intuited drawer
Changbin!: YAH
Changbin!: that was a moment of WEAKNESS
Chan!: I’m sure
Chan!: Anyway, ordering early makes things easier
Chan!: I want it to get to her by her birthday, but international shipping takes a while
Changbin!: ohh
Changbin!: …wait, international??
Chan!: Yeah! My siblings are in Australia
Changbin!: wow
Changbin!: that’s far
Changbin!: I can’t imagine being away from Chae like that
Chan!: It sucks sometimes, but you kind of get used to it
Chan!: Especially around birthdays
Chan!: Like each birthday I’d normally get my siblings a massive snot block from the bakery
Chan!: Can’t really do that anymore
Chan!: So I just overcompensate with online birthday surprises instead 😅
Changbin!: SNKT BLOCK
Changbin!: WTF
Changbin!: I KNOW ITS PROBABLY WHOLESOME BUT BROTHER EUGH
Changbin!: Do I want to know
Chan!: I forget people don’t call it that 😭
Chan!: It’s normal for Felix and I
Chan!: It’s a vanilla slice lmaoooo
Chan!: The one with the pastry on the outside and the custard in the middle?
Changbin!: oh my god
Changbin!: I’m never eating vanilla slice again
Changbin!: AND I LOVE VANILLA SLICE 🥹
Changbin!: you Australians just HAD to ruin it
Chan!: I remember a friend told me that some fancy schools apparently sold them at the canteen
Chan!: you could buy it with lunch, and they call it snot blocks and everything
Chan!: my brother and I would run to pick some up from the bakery every second Friday after school though, it was tradition
Chan!: I think it’s why we’re so emotionally resilient now tbh
Changbin!: you’d have to be if you call it snot then eat it without hesitation
Chan!: Oh come on, I’m sure you guys had a wacky tradition too
Changbin!: hmmmm
Changbin!: we did steal apples from our orchard then secretly bake them into apple tarts
Changbin!: whoever was shorter at the time would have to be the human stool to give the other a boost up
Chan!: an ORCHARD???
Changbin!: I know
Changbin!: crazy huh
Changbin!: we only got to do it a few times until our parents caught us
Changbin!: we weren’t allowed to after that because apparently it was ‘beneath us’ or some bullshit, but we’d still get each other apple tarts every now and then
Changbin!: rebellion and whatnot
Chan!: When we all meet up, I’ll buy you one
Chan!: AND, most importantly, a vanilla slice
Chan!: Hyung’s treat
Changbin!: After hearing that? I’ll be reminding myself that a continent calls it snot while I eat it
Chan!: Shh, I know you’re like made of money or whatnot, but accept my offer
Changbin!: hah.
Changbin!: yep, that’s me.
Changbin!: anyways, a client just walked in, I’ve gotta go
Chan!: Good luck! Tell Chaeryeong I owe her one btw, because makeup recs or not, she’s a legend
Chan!: And thanks for all your wisdom shared as well
Changbin!: what can I say, I’ve got big biceps and an even bigger brain 💪
Changbin!: but also? anytime, hyung
Chan!: Same applies for you too, Changbin
Changbin!: now go get your sis the most smudge proof makeup the market has to offer
Chan!: Will do 🫡
Notes:
snot block is a feral name but they’re also very tasty so
also I’ve realised that this fic is gonna have a loooot of chapters…buckle up everyone
Chapter 17: dinner of champions
Summary:
Previously on Hot Singles in Your Area (please don’t report spam)…
Hyung Supreme: as your oldest and wisest hyung
Exorcism: you’re not wise. you just have bad luck with birth dates
Hyung Supreme: YOURE JUST JEALOUS 😤
Meong: of what?
Hyung Supreme: anyway none of you respect me 😤 but it’s okay
Hyung Supreme: I’m used to being the underdog
Hyung Supreme: under-hyung? hyung-dog?
( - Chapter 15)…. ….
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
…. ….
Daddy Chill Private Chat
04:21
Phantom: hi chan
not old: Hey Minho
Phantom: why are you awake at this hour
Phantom: on a tuesday
not old: I just am?
not old: And you texted me first!!!
Phantom: and?
Phantom: perhaps it was a test
Phantom: where I had too much faith in your elderly sleep schedule
not old: HAAH
not old: What schedule would that be exactly
not old: Vet students aren’t known for their stellar sleep patterns already so
not old: Wait
not old: Why are YOU awake
Phantom: because unfortunately people are stupid, even at night
not old: Ah, occupational hazard?
Phantom: occupational hazard
Phantom: but
Phantom: hot take: i’m on my break and bored
not old: Counter hot take: would you rather fight one horse-sized duck or fifty duck-sized horses?
Phantom: what
not old: You said you were bored? So I googled
Phantom: you’re ridiculous
not old: But which one
Phantom: nope
not old: Nooo come on I’m invested now
not old: Minhoooooo
Phantom: i could take on a horse sized duck. easy take down
not old: WHAT
not old: Teh only acceptable answer is the ducj sized horses
Phantom: you’d get overwhelmed by the first ten duck-horses
Phantom: at least i have one clear enemy
not old: I woukd not
not old: I have strategy
not old: Unlike you
Phantom: i do have a plan
Phantom: i’d throw you in front of me as distraction
Phantom: then sneak around and take it down from behind
not old: Is that all I am to you? A sacriifice?
Phantom: basically-
not old: IM HURt
Phantom: i’m sure you are
Phantom: go to sleep, hyung
not old: ???
Phantom: your spelling police is slipping
Phantom: your work will still be here 6 hours later
not old: Oh
not old: I’m not working
Phantom: you sure?
not old: …Fine. What if I hypothetically was???
Phantom: then i would hypothetically tell you to take a break
Phantom: even if it’s a couple of hours
Phantom: can’t work well with tired eyes
not old: Well I’m fine so far
not old: It’s just a bit more
not old: I can do a bit more
Phantom: and i would hypothetically tell you not to argue that you’re fine either
not old: …
not old: I’m okay. I can sleep later
not old: Genuinely
not old: But thanks
Phantom: hmmmm
Phantom: i will be checking
not old: I wouldn’t expect any less
Phantom: and that’s my cue
Phantom: got to go save lives and look hot while doing so
not old: 😑
not old: Hopefully there aren’t too many idiots
not old: Telll me all the funny ones thoughhhh
Phantom: as if i don’t already
not old: What?? They’re entertaining
…. ….
Hot Singles in Your Area (please don’t report spam)
20:07
Tax Evasion: so I think I’ve seen it all
Tax Evasion: I’m at the convenience store
Tax Evasion: Because I was like, you know what? My 3 dollars could go to actual food instead of my coffee
Tax Evasion: Someone hand me a finance advice podcast immediately
Exorcism Needed 👹: but wouldn’t that make you a finance bro
Tax Evasion: OMG EW
Tax Evasion: but like, a finance bro with better eyebrows
Meong Meong 🐶: where was this story going
Tax Evasion: don’t kill my vibe Meongie 😒 smh
Tax Evasion: but if the people want, the people shall get
Tax Evasion: soooo at the store, I see
Tax Evasion: “sugar free, dairy free, fat free, gluten free, high protein & low calorie cookie dough ice cream (all natural ingredients)”
Phantom 🤡: changbin’s probably foaming at the mouth at ‘extra protein’
MONEYBAGS: HELL NO
MONEYBAGS: that’s…not even… ice cream…
4.60💸: you know that’s gonna be absolute ASS
Phantom 🤡: you’d still eat it
4.60💸: I WOULD 😭😭
Exorcism Needed 👹: **frozen mushy cardboard flavour
Meong Meong 🐶: what’s the point of even eating it
Felix ☀️: they managed to suck all the joy out of ice cream
Felix ☀️: I didn’t think that was possible
respect your elders: Ice cream has gluten???
Felix ☀️: depends on the flavour!
Felix ☀️: ones like vanilla shouldn’t (although depends on the brand!)
Felix ☀️: but some of the ingredients in ones like cookie dough would mean it does
respect your elders: Huh
respect your elders: The more you know
4.60💸: [picture of a pint of bubblegum flavoured ice cream, partially eaten, bites taken out of it with a fork that is stuck into the container]
4.60💸: Well unlike those poor souls…
4.60💸: I present…Dinner of champions 😎
4.60💸: From Yours Truly
Phantom 🤡: blocked.
MONEYBAGS: dinner??
MONEYBAGS: gonna mail you some frozen meals at this point
Tax Evasion: you’re…lactose intolerant
4.60💸: I fight God on the daily to wake up for 8am lectures
4.60💸: my stomach can do its worst
Exorcism Needed 👹: you’re gonna make yourself sick aren’t you
Meong Meong 🐶: do I need to tell you that this is a Bad Decision
4.60💸: it’ll be fine
4.60💸: and I don’t always make bad decisions ok????
Exorcism Needed 👹: 🤨
Felix ☀️: not the fork 😭😭😭
Felix ☀️: not the lactose intolerance 😭😭
Felix ☀️: this is a disaster waiting to happen
Meong Meong 🐶: To be fair, ‘disaster waiting to happen’ is Jisung hyung’s default state
4.60💸: HEY
respect your elders: The fork
respect your elders: That’s… that should be illegal.
respect your elders: My final straw
respect your elders: I’m leaving
respect your elders: I tried my best everyone
4.60💸: NOOO THERE GOES DAD
4.60💸: NOT AGAIN 💀💀
4.60💸: father figures: 2, Jisung: 0
MONEYBAGS: dad?? again???
4.60💸: YESSIR 🫡
MONEYBAGS: oh
Tax Evasion: L dad
4.60💸: that I can agree on
respect your elders: That we can all agree on
Phantom 🤡: ^
4.60💸: but he bounced when I was 10 soooo
4.60💸: it’s whatevs now 💀
MONEYBAGS: do you remember much of him??
MONEYBAGS: WAIT THATS OVERSTEPPING IM SORRY
MONEYBAGS: YAH DONT ANSWER THAT
4.60💸: you’re good dw
4.60💸: and not really??
4.60💸: wait give me a minute to type
Felix ☀️: of course, we can wait 💖
Tax Evasion: yess go off king (but also take your time)
4.60💸: like he helped me with my English and Korean homework
4.60💸: ‘educated in England’ or whatever
4.60💸: fucked off right as I got diagnosed with dyslexia like gee thanks man 😭
4.60💸: peak bad timing right there
Felix ☀️: I can imagine
Felix ☀️: right when you needed someone there
Felix ☀️: helping you adjust?
4.60💸: I mean probably LMAOOO
4.60💸: Mum did her best
4.60💸: 😅 wait that made it sound worse
4.60💸: but like. yeah
Meong Meong 🐶: that’s rough
Exorcism Needed 👹: yeah. sorry, hyung.
Felix ☀️: thanks for trusting us with that, too
MONEYBAGS: he’s #1 on my shit list rn
4.60💸: 😭 GUYS don’t go soft on me now!!
4.60💸: I’m alright with it I promise
4.60💸: let’s move on to what I was ACTUALLY meant to talk about—
Felix ☀️: hmmm
Felix ☀️: pinkie promise?? you can’t break this because we’re almost-birthday twins
4.60💸: what does that have to do with a pinkie promise 😭😭
Felix ☀️: ☹️
4.60💸: OKAY OKAY I PROMISEEE
Felix ☀️: Yay!!
4.60💸: so turns out the ice cream being gluten free thing is legit
4.60💸: no gluten in this bad boy
4.60💸: gonna demolish this 😤😤
Exorcism Needed 👹: good luck, you’ll probably need it
…. ….
Hot Singles in Your Area (please don’t report spam)
01:13
4.60💸: guys I regret having that ice cream
Tax Evasion: I’m shocked 😱😱😱
Tax Evasion: gobsmacked
Tax Evasion: what did you think would happen
4.60💸: shut up
4.60💸: gerd
Tax Evasion: hmm I think not
Tax Evasion: you love my commentary
4.60💸: nope
Tax Evasion: yes
4.60💸: no
Tax Evasion: yes
4.60💸: fineeeee 🙄🙄🙄🙄
…. ….
parental guidance is recommended Private Chat
Members: Chan, Jisung
02:52
Chan: Hey. I know you said you’re fine.
Chan: But if you’re not, I’m here. For real.
Jisung: 😭😭 hyung I’m okay, seriously
Jisung: I’m pissed he left, sure, but I’m more pissed about what he left us with
Jisung: which is nothing lol
Chan: You don’t have to lol that
Chan: You know you don’t have to joke your way through everything, right?
Jisung: yeah but have you considered: I’m hilarious 😎
Chan: Yeah. You are.
Chan: But you’re more than that too.
Jisung: oh 😭😭
Jisung: I guess
Jisung: I just figured it’s better if people laugh with me before they laugh at me
Jisung: safer that way
Jisung: if I play the idiot
Jisung: no one’s surprised when I mess something up
Jisung: it’s either that or let them see I’m trying and still can’t keep up
Jisung: which is worse, honestly
Chan: That’s not fair to you
Jisung: Well, I’m just trying to preemptively fail before someone else points it out first
Jisung: like if I mess up a text or miss a message, I just pretend it’s on purpose
Jisung: Dumbass autopilot
Jisung: Strategy, babyyyy
Chan: I’m sorry that you’ve felt like you needed to do that
Chan: To protect yourself from everyone
Chan: That’s a heavy way to live
Chan: And I hate that it feels safer than being yourself
Chan: You don’t have to with me
Chan: I hope you know that
Jisung: …
Jisung: 🥹🥹
Jisung: thanks, hyung
Jisung: …I’m still funny though, right? 😎
Chan: Funniest guy I know (but you don’t always have to be)
Notes:
so I forgot to post this earlier
but here we goooooo
Chapter 18: something’s fishy here
Summary:
Previously on Hot Singles in Your Area (please don’t report spam)…
Jisung: I just figured it’s better if people laugh with me before they laugh at me
Jisung: safer that way
Jisung: If I play the idiot
Jisung: no one’s surprised when I mess something up
Jisung: it’s either that or let them see I’m trying and still can’t keep up…. ….
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
…. ….
Hot Singles in Your Area (please don’t report spam)
10:06
MONEYBAGS: I forgot to say a couple days ago
MONEYBAGS: and I’m still thinking about it
MONEYBAGS: but people suck
Tax Evasion: real
Tax Evasion: especially when they steal your skincare
Exorcism Needed 👹: who are we hating? I’m in
MONEYBAGS: people
Tax Evasion: my sister
respect your elders: I still can’t believe you’re older than her
Exorcism Needed 👹: *by 2 minutes
4.60💸: STILL COUNTS
Tax Evasion: and it explains my responsible personality
Meong Meong 🐶: is responsible in the room with us
Tax Evasion: 😃🖕
Meong Meong 🐶: But actually, who sucks?
MONEYBAGS: well you know how I’m a tattoo artist
respect your elders: We do now!
Exorcism Needed 👹: hyung, he told us ages ago
4.60💸: and I thought *I* had a bad memory
Felix ☀️: well, since Chan hyung
respect your elders: I can smell the incoming old man jokes from here
respect your elders: Don’t even
Felix ☀️ has deleted 1 chat!
Phantom 🤡: commit to your insults
Felix ☀️: I don’t think I want to
respect your elders: Anyway, stop interrupting Changbin
Tax Evasion: The floor is yours
MONEYBAGS: UGH
Phantom 🤡: good start. very concise.
4.60💸: shhh…let him reboot
MONEYBAGS: sorry I’m just
MONEYBAGS: idk. I’m still pissed off about it
respect your elders: So it really must have been something then
MONEYBAGS: ??
MONEYBAGS: I mean, yeah I guess?
respect your elders: You just don’t seem like the type of person to get angry a lot
Felix ☀️: that’s true, we’ve seen desperation, joy…
Felix ☀️: chaos, love
4.60💸: gråfjället sadness
Felix ☀️: but never actual anger
Felix ☀️: what happened?
Felix ☀️: and more importantly, firstly - are YOU okay?
MONEYBAGS: I’m fine don’t worry
MONEYBAGS: Just PEOPLE SUCK
Meong Meong 🐶: Generally, yes
Meong Meong 🐶: But feel free to share why
4.60💸: YESS STORYTIME
MONEYBAGS: okay okay
MONEYBAGS: well it was getting late, but our store is normally open at night because some of our regular customers can’t take days off for a session
MONEYBAGS: but then there’s this group of guys
MONEYBAGS: young, like our age, 4 of them, and they reek of alcohol, said they were friends
Exorcism Needed 👹: I’m sure this will end well
Tax Evasion: likely with a goldfish tattoo on their right buttcheek with ‘something’s fishy here’ written in cursive under it
Exorcism Needed 👹: …
Tax Evasion: not from experience, you wouldn’t catch me lacking like that
Meong Meong 🐶: [an image of a news article titled: ‘We Should All Know Less About Each Other’]
Phantom 🤡: seen some truly unfortunate drunk tattoos on patients
Phantom 🤡: a goldfish is tame in comparison
Phantom 🤡: wear the fish with pride, hyunjin
Tax Evasion: WHO SAID I HAD IT
MONEYBAGS: it happens a lot more than you think
MONEYBAGS: except this time, 3 of the guys are basically carrying the 4th guy into the shop
MONEYBAGS: and he’s stumbling, barely standing, way more drunk than the rest of them
MONEYBAGS: like the others seem pretty much sober
4.60💸: oh
respect your elders: I don’t like where this is heading
MONEYBAGS: and they’re shoving the design flipbook we offer our customers in his face
MONEYBAGS: basically egging him on to get one
Meong Meong 🐶: Some friends huh
MONEYBAGS: they kept googling stuff behind his back, cackling, then showing him
MONEYBAGS: acting like
MONEYBAGS: convincing him that it’s a great idea that he NEEDS to get
Felix ☀️: that’s awful
Felix ☀️: :((((
Felix ☀️: it’s making *me* mad too
Felix ☀️: they’re horrible
Exorcism Needed 👹: who does that
Exorcism Needed 👹: like seriously.
MONEYBAGS: of course I refuse to do it when he tries to tell me he wants the tattoo the other guy showed me
Meong Meong 🐶: Good
respect your elders: For that guy’s sake, I’m really really glad you did
MONEYBAGS: and the designs? hideous. like, offensive to my artistic spirit
MONEYBAGS: my coworkers refused service too
MONEYBAGS: because not only were the ‘friends’ of this poor guy absolute jackasses, they were rowdy and rude
MONEYBAGS: kicked up a huge fuss until we showed them the door
Phantom 🤡: and that’s when you stab them with the tattoo gun
MONEYBAGS: I wish
MONEYBAGS: it was really hard to watch them take him outside
MONEYBAGS: I should’ve kept him inside with a juice box until he sobered up a bit more
MONEYBAGS: UUGGHHH
Tax Evasion: wow
Tax Evasion: just hearing about those guys makes me want to re-cleanse my face
Tax Evasion: people do suck.
Felix ☀️: not Changbin-hyung and his coworkers!
Phantom 🤡: are we sure
MONEYBAGS: WHAT DO YOU MEAN 😭
Phantom 🤡: don’t think i forgot your stance on mint choco ice cream
Meong Meong 🐶: Oh my god.
Exorcism Needed 👹: HYUNG DONT BRING THAT UP AGAIN
respect your elders: No but actually
respect your elders: You did the right thing, Changbin
Phantom 🤡: ^^
Phantom 🤡: try not to beat yourself up over it, either
Phantom 🤡: you did well
Tax Evasion: and if Minho says something sentimental, you know it’s right
Phantom 🤡: do you like having eyeballs
Meong Meong 🐶: How are you a registered paramedic again?
MONEYBAGS: I should have done more
Felix ☀️: hyung, you stopped him from getting a permanent mark he’d regret
Felix ☀️: that’s enough
Felix ☀️: I’m sure he’d be grateful for it now
Meong Meong 🐶: If he remembers that is
…. ….
should’ve been the maknaes Private Chat
Members: brains, biceps
10:20
brains: Heyyyy Changbin hyungggg
biceps: oh hey Jisungie
brains: hope it’s okay to ask something a little weird??
biceps: of course, what’s up?
brains: I was just wondering
brains: do you happen to work in a tattoo shop in Mapo-gu?
biceps: yeah actually!
brains: like specifically one in Seongsang-dong?
biceps: yes…how did you know?
brains: oh haha 😅
brains: uh
brains: no reason
brains: well
brains: actually
brains: you remember the drunk guy you said no to?
brains: yeah
brains: that was me
biceps: oh.
brains: yeahhhh 😃
brains: nice to meet you
brains: shame it was less than ideal circumstances lmaoooo
biceps: what happened?
brains: ah yknow
brains: lots of work piling up
brains: said I should relax
brains: it was their treat
brains: but I woke up the next day with a migraine and wanting to bury myself in a hole
brains: so mayheb it wasn’t the best idea
biceps: Jisung.
biceps: you need better friends.
brains: I guess
brains: but they’re chill
brains: they’re just like that, yknow?
biceps: Sungie
biceps: they were laughing at you
brains: nothing I can’t handle
brains: nothing I haven’t handled before
biceps: right…
brains: just
brains: don’t tell the others it was me
biceps: Sungie
brains: please?
biceps: …
biceps: okay. just between us.
…. ….
should’ve been the maknaes Private Chat
10:28
biceps: you free this week?
biceps: I’ve got arm day.
Notes:
a Jisung double whammy!! how fun!!!
Chapter 19: failure is the goal (according to Changbin hyung)
Summary:
Previously on Hot Singles in Your Area (please don’t report spam)…
biceps: Jisung.
biceps: you need better friends.
biceps: they were laughing at youbrains: nothing I can’t handle
brains: nothing I haven’t handled before
…. ….biceps: you free this week?
biceps: I’ve got arm day.…. ….
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
…. ….
If someone had told Jisung that he’d voluntarily be up at 5:30am to befriend a man who once refused to let him get a drunk tattoo, he would have laughed. Then cried. Then maybe vomited.
And yet, there he stood, outside the doors of his local gym while seriously questioning every life decision that had led him there.
The sun had barely risen, and he already regretted everything. His poor toes were freezing, his nose was pink, and he really should have brought a jumper. Jisung was shivering, shaking in his metaphorical boots. Maybe not just because he was cold.
Jisung glanced around the parking lot, as if that would help him find his hyung. As if he would be able to properly recognise him. Weirdly enough, when he thought of the group chat members, he couldn’t fathom what they’d look like; it was just a name. Sure, he could make images in his head of his guesses, but that’s all they were - guesses. Didn’t really matter to him anyway, in the grand scheme of things.
It felt a little significant, too. It was the first group chat meet-up he’s had, since he wanted to permanently erase the drunk meeting from everyone’s memory and he refused to let that count.
So technically, he should’ve said it was the first sober meet-up.
It seemed less impressive the more that he thought about it.
After a moment, he shifted his towel, water, and keys into one hand to check his phone, rereading the messages from earlier.
biceps: Jisungieeee
biceps: today’s the day.
biceps: come on
biceps: let’s go get buff 💪
brains: now?!
biceps: when else would we do it?
brains: Changbin hyung
brains: it is literally
brains: the ass crack of dawn
biceps: you’re awake, aren’t you?
brains: unfortunately
brains: bridges won’t build themselves
biceps: close your textbook for like 1 hour! 2 at most
biceps: you would do this for your hyung rightttttt 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺
brains: ugh fineeee fine I’ll go
biceps: good 😌
biceps: lemme send you the address
Nothing new. As he was about to turn his phone off, it buzzed. He scrambled to open it, and his keys jangled loudly in response - the only sound in the near empty parking lot. Embarrassing.
biceps: you here??
biceps: I’m at the treadmills
biceps: blue shirt
Jisung let out a little sigh of relief before he replied, typing carefully and fighting the urge to send a million emojis instead.
brains: got it hyung 🫡 on my way inside
He opened the gym door with a deep breath, and was not expecting to get blasted with a wave of warm air.
…. ….
Setting up a membership was a bit of a hassle, and Jisung couldn’t lie to himself - it was largely his fault.
He really needed to stop rushing things, because he ended up going even slower.
His head snapped up at the sound of a heavy bang, and his eyes scanned the sea of machines, muscle tees and gym towels to try pinpoint where it was from. It seemed like the source of the noise was a guy doing deadlifts with so many plates that could flatten Jisung in an instant. In his peripherals, he noticed a man in a blue shirt stood around the treadmills, scrolling on his phone.
He realised that it must be Changbin.
Jisung was finally meeting someone from the group.
His stomach did a little jump.
Why was he nervous now?
The man seemed nice enough from what he could remember. Which, to be fair, wasn’t a lot, as he’d been too drunk to retain much else besides the mortifying aftermath.
A million more thoughts and scenarios raced through his head, ranging from mildly awkward to positively disastrous. What if he forgot how to walk? What if his body immediately crumbled to dust from sheer unworthiness?
Eventually, he decided, ‘Fuck it. I’m already in shorts. In freezing weather. All my dignity is gone anyway’.
He could do this.
This was fine.
So he moved, perhaps a little too quickly to pass for casual, until he reached the treadmills. Of course, that was the exact moment the intrusive thought of, ‘Wow how mortifying would it be if this was some random dude and not hyung’ hit and made him nearly halt in his tracks.
As any reasonable person would do in response, on his way over, he formulated a plan of approach.
And the second he got there, the plan began to go south. Basically nosedived, in Jisung’s opinion.
He had meant to say, “Hi, I’m sorry to bother you, are you Changbin-ssi? It’s Jisung!”
What came out instead was: “If you’re not Changbin hyung I’m shooting myself out of a cannon.”
He wondered if it was possible for the ground swallow him whole.
The man looked up from his phone, his eyes widened in a split second of confusion. Then, recognition. A grin cracked across his face.
“Ah Jisungie. That’s the most dramatic greeting I’ve ever gotten. I expected nothing less.”
The nervousness he previously felt melted like ice cream in the summer. And just like that, he found himself smiling back.
Changbin was built—not in a shredded bodybuilder way, but in the way that made you think he could scoop you up and give hugs so nice that you wouldn’t want to leave. Ink curled from his left wrist, up his arm, and peeked out from the collar of his shirt, which Jisung thought was fitting for a tattoo artist.
Changbin grabbed his towel and said, “So, are you cool with arm day? I’m pretty flexible if you wanna start with something else.”
“Uhh…”
This was the massive wrench in his plan - Jisung was very much not a gym rat. If there was something to call the opposite of a gym enjoyer, that would describe him. He had the strength of a wet noodle and the know-how of one too.
Instead of admitting to that, naturally, he cupped his hands over his mouth and replied with far more confidence than he felt, “Let’s go!”
He had no idea if he was going to regret this. But he gathered that he probably would.
…. ….
Jisung was noticeably out of his depth.
Hand him a complex maths equation? Done.
Ask him to explain how batteries work? Easy.
But this? In his head, it made sense. Lift here, use tension here, apply stress here. It was his body that refused to follow through.
And it wasn’t for a lack of trying, either. He tried the lifts time and time again, but he just didn’t seem to…get it. Which was the most frustrating part.
Changbin was a godsend, even if he was the cause of his suffering. Just quietly adjusted his form and made conversation about pretty much anything.
And not once did he joke about Jisung or how bad he was at…everything.
Which Jisung thought was unexpected.
But also a nice surprise.
Give it a few minutes though, Jisung thought, it’ll happen, right? That’s how it works.
“Okay, we’re done with that one. Let’s do a bicep one,” Changbin eventually announced as he grabbed two dumbbells. “It’s like this,” he explained, pulling his arms up in a slowed and exaggerated curl that Jisung had zero chance of doing as gracefully.
Jisung tried it once, with a much lower weight, and instantly knew he wasn’t doing it correctly. He noticed Changbin watching, likely taking note of how awful he was at the whole gym thing, and possibly reevaluating ever inviting him in the first place.
So Jisung paused. Tried to think of something to say. Something stupid. Something funny. Something to draw Changbin’s attention away from his poor attempt at exercise.
“Wow, don’t I look spectacular. I should be front cover on one of those magazines,” Jisung commented loudly.
“I don’t think anyone actually does. Also, you’re just starting out, you can’t be too hard on yourself if you screw it up,” Changbin replied, taking the weights out of Jisung’s hands.
“Well…how would you know I’m a beginner? What if I’m secretly a master in disguise? Like one of those YouTube videos where they get an expert to pretend to be a newbie then show off?” He rambled in rapid-fire response.
“Jisungie, I knew you’d never been to a gym when you asked me if you needed a towel.”
“Oh,” Jisung squeaked, cheeks flaming red. Embarrassment swirled in his gut, a feeling like the hour after that one time he ate a chicken sandwich that had been sitting out for too long. “Sorry,” he added, but his voice rose in a way that made it sound more like a question.
“Why are you apologising?” Changbin asked as he looked back at Jisung, brows furrowing.
“Um, not quite sure actually? I thought maybe you’d be starting to get, like, buyers remorse. Except I didn’t come with a receipt and a return policy so-“
“I didn’t invite you because I expected a gym expert. I just wanted to hang out with you,” Changbin interrupted, with a shrug that made it seem like it was simple. A logical conclusion.
Jisung was confused.
Sure, he was funny, but how entertaining could you really be at a gym?
Changbin added, “You’re good company. Besides, everyone starts somewhere at the gym. This can be yours.”
“You’re gonna make me cry. But like, totally because of the weights,” Jisung mumbled, bending down to adjust his already tied laces to avoid making eye contact. He heard Changbin snicker, and drop a new set of dumbbells in front of him.
Shortly after, Jisung was sat on this chair-like structure, with his arms holding the dumbbells on either side of him, his chest open. “How many reps are we doing here?” Jisung began. “Because I’m a talker, which you probably know by now, and if I get the opportunity to I’m gonna answer. Then I’ll forget what I’m up to.”
Changbin smiled, and Jisung swore he saw something evil flash in his eye. Something that told Jisung that he was going to crumble into gym dust and blow away.
“That’s the good thing about arm day…we go until failure.”
Oh God.
…. ….
In Jisung’s mind, ‘until failure’ meant when he was ready to give up. In Changbin’s, apparently, it meant ten more reps after that.
His arms were shaking and burning in a way that they never had before. Every movement was like he was lifting a boulder, yet he was hardly actually moving the dumbbell anywhere.
Changbin must have found some sick kind of pleasure out of it, because he was grinning like a maniac every time Jisung said he was gonna kill him.
“I’VE FAILED I’VE FAILED GET ME OUT OF HERE-“
“But you’re doing so great…I think you can do two more.”
Jisung hit his head on the chair in exasperation, “LIAR.”
Changbin tapped Jisung’s arms, a reminder to hold them up higher, as he said, “Okay, exhale—let’s go—”
“I’M GONNA DIE.”
“You won’t. You’re with me.”
“…that was weirdly reassuring.”
“I’m a weirdly reassuring guy. Now, two more.”
“UGH.”
…. ….
Halfway through his second set of ‘hammer curl and regret his existence’, Jisung saw a girl who couldn’t have been older than 16 running up to them. Red in the face, flyaway hairs everywhere, but grinning nonetheless.
She didn’t even wait to fully get to them before yelling excitedly, “CHANGBIN OPPA! GUESS WHAT! I MANAGED TO SQUAT 100!”
Changbin hollered back, equally as loudly, arms thrown out with the weights still clenched in his hands, “HAYOON! YOU ABSOLUTE BEAST! SMASHED YOUR PR!”
Some people turned at the noise, but nobody seemed surprised. Nobody stared either. A few people smiled, one guy shook his head fondly like this was a regular occurrence, and a woman on the rowers paused to give tiny claps. Jisung, who had no clue what to do, followed suit.
“Thanks!” She replied, calmer than before, but remained beaming just as brightly.
Changbin turned to put the dumbbells down, and asked, “Who’s with you today? Your Appa?”
“Nope, Eunji unnie is!”
“Oh, I haven’t seen her in a while! How’s she doing?”
“Wait, let me drag her here to answer that herself. She’s only missed the last two weeks because she’s too lazy.”
“Real,” Jisung said under his breath.
As Hayoon trotted away, Jisung and Changbin turned back to their equipment. It was then that they heard a ringtone from their small pile of stuff - Changbin’s phone, the caller ID visible from where they stood.
‘Mother’.
Changbin’s shoulders tensed as he glanced at it, his face twisted into a grimace. Jisung hadn’t realised he was starting to stare, eyebrows furrowed, and Changbin didn’t appear to either, until their eyes met, where he smoothed his face into a more neutral look.
“Do you want to answer that? I’m happy to wait-“ Jisung began, pointing clumsily to a random corner, already stepping back to give him space.
Changbin cut in, voice firm, with a curt, “Nope.” His voice was flat, all the humour from before completely gone.
The phone was vibrating. Changbin didn’t move.
As Jisung opened his mouth, Changbin added a little more quietly, “Don’t ask.”
Jisung nodded, saying nothing. He may not have known what was wrong, but he knew what the strain in Changbin’s voice meant.
The ‘don’t poke it’ strain. The ‘if you care don’t make me say it’ strain. After all, he’d heard it in his own more than once before.
So they both stood in silence and watched the phone.
They let it ring.
“Hey Changbin, how have you been?” A smooth voice interrupted from behind them.
Jisung could almost see Changbin’s face change from…empty to cheery, how he unclenched his jaw, something that felt all too similar to him. The shift was like flipping a light switch — too fast to be real, too practiced not to be familiar.
The voice belonged to a woman in her early twenties who had a shockingly familiar face. When it finally clicked that this was Eunji, Changbin had already wrapped an arm around his neck and pulled him in like some WWE professional. “Hi noona! Really good actually, I think I just found my new gym buddy. This is Jisung!” He said.
Eunji laughed, her eyes creasing in the corners, “Ah, replacing Sooyeon already? She’s only been gone three weeks!”
“Yah, you say that as if she’s not already been stolen by Junseo!”
Jisung jokingly mouthed an exaggerated ‘HELP ME’ to the duo.
How he didn’t see how Eunji and Hayoon were related earlier, he didn’t know. They had the exact shit-eating grin. Eunji folded her arms. “Unfortunately for you, you sealed your fate the second you agreed to come to the gym. Step foot in it, you don’t leave. That’s what happened with pretty much everyone here.”
Jisung let out a dramatic sigh, “So I have no option but to accept my imminent doom?”
“Yep,” Hayoon answered solemnly. “Just wait until you do abs.”
Jisung wasn’t quite sure if he wanted to find out what that meant.
…. ….
Contrary to popular belief, Jisung somehow managed to survive the workout, despite the existential suffering and despair at only being three reps in when he thought he’d done eight.
Jisung followed what Changbin did, narrating aloud as he packed away. He did that a lot, according to his friends, as if he’d picked up too many thoughts throughout the day and needed to unload them.
“Okay and…wipe down the leg thing…Yep. Hmm…It’s weird…Being here, not feeling like I’m getting judged,” Jisung mentioned to himself, shrugging. “Kinda nice though. Not used to that. Definitely not used to feeling my biceps.”
He was wiping down the equipment when he was snapped out of his mental ‘to do list’ as Changbin tossed him his water bottle. Fortunately, Jisung only just caught it, which otherwise would’ve made the ungodly sound of metal on a floor if he hadn’t.
“Yeah? Then come back. That’s the whole point. The bicep part too.” The look on Changbin’s face wasn’t performative or pitying, but genuinely kind.
Huh.
The entire gym session was a series of emotional whiplash for Jisung. And honestly? It had exceeded every expectation he had about it. He’d walked in expecting things to be awkward, for him to laugh things off in the moment then go home to bury his face in his pillows. But instead… No sneers. No laughter.
That was the thing about people like Changbin hyung, he supposed. They make it easy to forget you were embarrassed in the first place.
God, he was so cringe.
Jisung didn’t say anything in response.
Changbin gathered his things and they walked out of the gym together, saying goodbye to Hayoon, Eunji, and basically the entire gym. Everyone seemed to know Changbin. Or if they didn’t, they acted like they did.
As he opened the door, Changbin turned to Jisung with a, “Same time on Friday?”
“Only if I get my upper body working by then,” Jisung snorted in response, grimacing at the freezing air on his bare arms.
“Deal. Failure’s the goal, remember?” He held out his hand like they were making a Shark Tank deal. Jisung couldn’t help but roll his eyes at the ridiculousness of it all.
“Ugh. Fine. Let’s go fail again.”
He didn’t hate the sound of that as much as he expected.
Notes:
this was meant to be posted a couple days ago but then I decided it needed more editing 😭
I couldn’t leave the idea of a gym day hanging guys
Chapter 20: gangnam style
Summary:
Previously on Hot Singles in Your Area (please don’t report spam)…
“Same time on Friday?”
“Only if I get my upper body working by then.”
“Deal. Failure’s the goal, remember?” He held out his hand like they were making a Shark Tank deal. Jisung couldn’t help but roll his eyes at the ridiculousness of it all.
“Ugh. Fine. Let’s go fail again.”
He didn’t hate the sound of that as much as he expected.…. ….
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
…. ….
Hot Singles in Your Area (please don’t report spam)
03:02
respect your elders: so I know for me, exam season is coming up
respect your elders: I assume it’s the same sort of time for other universities
respect your elders: so I wanted to check in on everyone, how’s everyone handling things?
respect your elders: (even if you’re not doing exams)
Felix ☀️: hyung what are you doing up??
respect your elders: Probably the same thing you are?
Felix ☀️: Doubt it, I’m gaming 😎😎
respect your elders: I could be
Felix ☀️: Chan hyung, you and video games aren’t friends
Felix ☀️: Remember how you shot me then accidentally threw yourself off the rooftop last time we tried
respect your elders: But what if I’m suddenly really good
Felix ☀️: I don’t think that’s possible
Felix ☀️: Besides, League is a hell of my own design
Felix ☀️: I know you’re working!
respect your elders: Am I though
Felix ☀️: I feel it in my bone
respect your elders: 1 bone???
Felix ☀️: my Chan hyung sensor
4.60💸: WHAT
4.60💸: EXCUSE ME
4.60💸: SUS
respect your elders: I…
respect your elders: I’m done.
respect your elders: Hi, Jisung.
4.60💸: HI HYUNG
4.60💸: SUS
Felix ☀️: EW
Felix ☀️: NOT LIKE THAT YOU FERAL
Felix ☀️: GET YOUR MIND OUT OF THE GUTTER 😭
Felix ☀️: MY KNEE
Felix ☀️: MY KNEE twitches every witching hour Chan hyung remains awake
respect your elders: I’m ready to fling myself off the roof for real
Felix ☀️: HYUNG
Felix ☀️: IT’S VERY IMPORTANT TO ME THAT YOU KNOW I MEANT MY KNEE
respect your elders: My final will and testament
respect your elders: I leave my laptop with Seungmin, he needs a new one. Hyunjin can take my student debt. He doesn’t pay taxes anyway.
Felix ☀️: maybe we…can pretend this never happened 😀🥹
respect your elders: Please do
4.60💸: CHAN HYUNG SENSOR
…. ….
Hot Singles in Your Area (please don’t report spam)
9:09
Meong Meong 🐶: I need to cleanse my eyeballs
Meong Meong 🐶: With bleach
Exorcism Needed 👹: hi I hate it here!
Tax Evasion: why do I get the student debt??
respect your elders: The sentiment still stands by the way
Exorcism Needed 👹: I don’t think I want it to
Tax Evasion: I open my phone in public
Tax Evasion: Out in the open
Tax Evasion: And I get blasted with messages about Felix’s Chan Hyung Sensor
Tax Evasion: Like thanks, I’m trying to bedazzle my micropipette here
Meong Meong 🐶: what purpose could that possibly serve
Tax Evasion: I can’t look like a basic bitch while failing my pracs now can I
Felix ☀️: Btw I meant my knee guys 😭
respect your elders: And I meant the check in about exams 😑
respect your elders: Hyunjin, I’m sure you won’t fail, how’s your study going?
Tax Evasion: well
Tax Evasion: if I see one more mention about e.coli I’m going to set something on fire
Exorcism Needed 👹: e.coli
Tax Evasion: that’s it
respect your elders: Fantastic
respect your elders: What about everyone else?
Felix ☀️: I’ve heard far more information about thin sections than I ever needed to know
Felix ☀️: and I don’t even take geology 😭
MONEYBAGS: what
Felix ☀️: my roommate’s studying it
Felix ☀️: her exams are next week
Felix ☀️: I tried making her cake pops to cheer her up
Felix ☀️: She took one look at them and started yelling about the asthenosphere and convection currents
Felix ☀️: I thought cake pops were neutral ground 😢💀
MONEYBAGS: I’ll eat them
Phantom 🤡: that’s brave
Felix ☀️: OH SHUSH 😭😭
MONEYBAGS: what it’s not like she’s eating them 🤷♂️
Phantom 🤡: we’ll remember your sacrifice.
respect your elders: She’ll be fine
respect your elders: Ryujin’s so good at all that stuff
respect your elders: I think
Felix ☀️: she is!!
respect your elders: I don’t know what you actually do in that course
Phantom 🤡: rocks
respect your elder: Thanks, Minho
Phantom 🤡: you’re welcome 😌
respect your elders: But Felix, tell her I said good luck!
Felix ☀️: I would but also I think I value my life more 🫶
Felix ☀️: what about you, hyung? you’re doing okay? Please tell me you’re resting
respect your elders: I’m okay!! Just running on ambition and spite at the moment
respect your elders: I knocked over my laptop and wanted to cry a bit though
respect your elders: And I can’t find my week 7 notes
respect your elders: Where are my week 7 notes
respect your elders: Also is everyone else okay?
Meong Meong 🐶: my tutor said “don’t overwork yourself” and then gave us four essays to write in one week
Phantom 🤡: how I don’t miss that
4.60💸: STOP FLEXING
4.60💸: IM IN HELL
4.60💸: STOP ENJOYING LIFE IN SOLIDARITY
Phantom 🤡: [an image of the sun, surrounded by trees and clouds. The person taking the picture is holding a thumbs up, visible for the camera]
4.60💸: EW NATURAL LIGHT
respect your elders: Oh shit the sun’s up?
Felix ☀️: oh hyung ☹️
respect your elders: It’s fine
respect your elders: We’re fine
respect your elders: Where are my week 7 notes oh my god???
4.60💸: REAL
Tax Evasion: I’ve been in the lab for too long
Tax Evasion: I think I almost forgot what clouds look like
Tax Evasion: MY TAN’S GONNA GO
Tax Evasion: I can’t go around looking like a sick Victorian child
4.60💸: I think I am the sick Victorian child
4.60💸: I’ve had a headache for three days straight
4.60💸: and I’m pretty sure it’s not a brain tumour
4.60💸: but I kind of wish it was
4.60💸: bc I think you get days off if it is
MONEYBAGS: Why did you guys sign up for this again??
Meong Meong 🐶: [a grainy image of a lowly lit room, the laptop placed on the bed on full brightness. Quizlet is open on the screen, with flashcards titled ‘If you get this wrong you’re Dumb’. The screen illuminates several thick stacks of paper along the bed, with hand written revision notes strewn around it. In front of the laptop is a single dumpling, sat sadly on a chopping board.]
MONEYBAGS: Are you…alive?
…. ….
Hot Singles in Your Area (please don’t report spam)
10:39
Exorcism Needed 👹: So I finished one of my practical exams
MONEYBAGS: huh?
Felix ☀️: and you didn’t tell us?!
Felix ☀️: I would’ve wished you good luck!!! 😢😢
Exorcism Needed 👹: it was supposed to be a simple one
Exorcism Needed 👹: I thought it’d be fine
respect your elders: ‘Supposed’?
Exorcism Needed 👹: Yeah, it was just doing emergencies with a fake class
MONEYBAGS: You’ve got this in the bag 😤
Exorcism Needed 👹: Except they needed a minimum of 20 students for it and there was only 13
Exorcism Needed 👹: So some random assessors filled in for the kids
Exorcism Needed 👹: it was time for the fire evacuation
Exorcism Needed 👹: and I
Exorcism Needed 👹: left a couple behind
Felix ☀️: a couple of kids?!
MONEYBAGS: You…don’t have this in the bag?
4.60💸: HELPPPP
respect your elders: Did you…count them?
Exorcism Needed 👹: shut up I was nervous
Tax Evasion: but you forgot a whole child
Meong Meong 🐶: several, apparently
Tax Evasion: like I get it but
4.60💸: the ‘accidentally forgot a kid’ to the ‘would abandon a child at the first chance’ pipeline is crazy
Tax Evasion: what
Tax Evasion: they’re a bacterial breeding ground
Tax Evasion: like my petri dishes could never
Tax Evasion: and their hands are always gross
Exorcism Needed 👹: that’s just kids for you
Tax Evasion: in general, or the ones you remember to evacuate?
Exorcism Needed 👹: In my defence
Exorcism Needed 👹: My friend forgot everything BUT the inhaler
Exorcism Needed 👹: And none of the kids were listed as asthmatic
Phantom 🤡: just brought it for decoration then
4.60💸: yikes I wish I was there 😭😭
Exorcism Needed 👹: yeah…
Felix ☀️: omg yes
Felix ☀️: we would’ve cheered you on from the back of the class!
Phantom 🤡: you would. the rest of us are filming it all
Meong Meong 🐶: blackmail material for decades
Exorcism Needed 👹: And the only thing you’d get on tape is an extremely competent teaching student who flourishes in a crisis
respect your elders: When do you find out just how well you flourished?
Exorcism Needed 👹: Later tonight, apparently they mark these pretty quick
4.60💸: RIP bro 💔🥀
MONEYBAGS: [an image of a thick bicep, flexing]
Exorcism Needed 👹: Hyung WTF
MONEYBAGS: motivation
MONEYBAGS: you all need the strength it seems
MONEYBAGS: you WILL pass
MONEYBAGS: my belief in you is as firm as my arms
Phantom 🤡:🧍♂️
Tax Evasion: and the sky has cleared. my woes are gone
Tax Evasion: wait you can’t see when I screenshot can you
Felix ☀️: why are you concerned about that if you announce it to everyone instead 💀
Felix ☀️: (and no, you’re fine)
Meong Meong 🐶: An astounding lack of shame here
MONEYBAGS: well if that doesn’t work
Exorcism Needed 👹: it did the opposite of that
MONEYBAGS: I can send my hype playlist for you guys
4.60💸: NO
4.60💸: DONT DO THIS TO YOURSELVES
respect your elders: I feel like Changbin would have a really good music taste though?
4.60💸: IT’S 6 HOURS LONG
4.60💸: AND HALF OF IT IS GANGNAM STYLE
MONEYBAGS: Not my fault it’s peak
Meong Meong 🐶: you do have to appreciate its domestic and international success
Exorcism Needed 👹: I think that’s the most Seungmin hyung coded statement I’ve ever heard
Felix ☀️: gangnam style?? I’m in
…. ….
Daddy Chill Private Chat
11:02
not old: Hot take: You definitely know the entire Gangnam Style dance
Phantom: obviously
Phantom: and I assume you thought that because of my god-tier dancing abilities
not old: Dancing? You?
not old: Minho, you told me about how you tripped over your own toes last week
not old: Then dropped your drink and nearly skated across the floor like it was mario kart
not old: Gangnam style just felt like your brand. Dorky but with plausible deniability
Phantom: are you calling me uncoordinated?
not old: Yes 😌
Phantom: bold words coming from the human embodiment of an IT glitch
not old: Okay valid
not old: I guess I can’t really say much
not old: I only know like the first 8 seconds of the chorus 😭
Phantom: unacceptable
Phantom: you’ve left me with no choice.
Phantom: i’m teaching you
not old: And you won’t throw me out the window for being the world’s worst dancer?
Phantom: if i can get kids to pirouette
Phantom: you aren’t a problem
not old: ???
not old: Pirouette?
Phantom: mhm
not old: Are you gonna elaborate..?
Phantom: …nahh
not old: MINHO PLEASE
not old: What do you mean pirouette???
Phantom: there’s this dance program at the rec centre near me
Phantom: i choreograph and teach the kids sometimes
Phantom: nothing elite or fancy…but it’s fun
Phantom: i like seeing them happy
Phantom: so i volunteer when i can
not old: …Oh
not old: Minho
not old: That is the most adorable thing I’ve ever heard
Phantom: shut up 🙄
…. ….
Hot Singles in Your Area (please don’t report spam)
12:11
Exorcism Needed 👹: is it weird if I ask something
Exorcism Needed 👹: like actually weird
Felix ☀️: you okay?
Meong Meong 🐶: Can’t be worse than half the stuff Jisung hyung says, so go for it
Exorcism Needed 👹: this might be a little random
Exorcism Needed 👹: but
Exorcism Needed 👹: do you think maybe we could all meet?
Felix ☀️: wait really?
Exorcism Needed 👹: after exams. if people want to
Tax Evasion: I’m surprised you didn’t want to meet me sooner
Tax Evasion: I’m great company
Exorcism Needed 👹: oh my god forget I said anything
Tax Evasion: no but seriously?
Tax Evasion: you really want to meet up?
Exorcism Needed 👹: yeah
Exorcism Needed 👹: if that’s what everyone else wants to
Tax Evasion: it is
Tax Evasion: I would like that
Tax Evasion: a lot
Exorcism Needed 👹: oh
Exorcism Needed 👹: cool
Exorcism Needed 👹: I’m glad
Exorcism Needed 👹: bc it’s become a habit to text you guys about my day and everything
Exorcism Needed 👹: more than anyone else
Exorcism Needed 👹: it might be nice to do that in person
respect your elders: I think we’d all like that
respect your elders: I know I would
respect your elders: I wanna meet you, Jeonginnie
respect your elders: And the rest of you too
Exorcism Needed 👹: oh
Exorcism Needed 👹: I want to meet you too hyung
MONEYBAGS: YES
MONEYBAGS: I’ll get another playlist ready
Phantom 🤡: a resounding no to the playlist, but a yes to meeting up
Tax Evasion: wow, the same guy who threatened to leave the chat on day 2
Tax Evasion: now wants to meet up
Phantom 🤡: yeah. it’d be nice.
Tax Evasion: we’ve really done a number on you 🫶😙
Phantom 🤡: on second thought, make the playlist
Phantom 🤡: but only for hyunjin
Tax Evasion: NOOOO
4.60💸: I’M DOWN
4.60💸: TO MEET
4.60💸: IVE BEEN DOWN SINCE THE POWER OUTAGE
4.60💸: BUT I THOUGHT IT WAS TOO SOON
4.60💸: AND I’D BE WEIRD TO ASK
MONEYBAGS: you’re weird anyway, but you’re our weird so it doesn’t count
4.60💸: thanks? I think?
Meong Meong 🐶: Well, after exams, we’ve probably officially texted through the worst versions of each other
Meong Meong 🐶: So in person can’t be much worse
Tax Evasion: that’s ’Meong-speak’ for ‘I’m so excited I’m bouncing off the walls’ btw
Meong Meong 🐶: *Kim Seungmin Speak.
Tax Evasion: and I’m absolutely correct
respect your elders: Who haven’t we heard from
respect your elders: Lix??
Felix ☀️: it’s literally all I’ve ever wanted
4.60💸: 🥺
4.60💸: YOURE FONNA MAKE ME CRY
4.60💸: BUT THAT ALSO MIGHT BE SLEEEP DEPRIVATION
Felix ☀️: guys
Felix ☀️: let’s do it!!!!
respect your elders: Ok so
respect your elders: We can organise a place based on where we all are
respect your elders: I’ll put together a spreadsheet with options and availability
respect your elders: Also I can probably cook for everyone if we don’t want to spend money on takeout
respect your elders: Do people have dietary restrictions
respect your elders: Does anyone have allergies
Phantom 🤡: take a breath, old man
Phantom 🤡: we don’t have to plan it all now
Felix ☀️: yeah, we have time! let’s just do it slowly over the exam period
Felix ☀️: we can start with a place, then worry about time and stuff later
Felix ☀️: I’m so excited!!! 💖💖
4.60💸: 💖💖
…. ….
Hot Singles in Your Area (please don’t report spam)
17:45
Exorcism Needed 👹: I passed bitches
Exorcism Needed 👹: And you doubted me
MONEYBAGS: HOW
Exorcism Needed 👹: I’m actually not sure
Notes:
SO SORRY THE UPDATE TOOK SO LONG
It was already written out, then I decided I hated it, I started to rewrite it, hated that, tried again and bam I got sick 💀
It was a process.Hope you enjoyed!
Chapter 21: soon
Summary:
Previously on Hot Singles in Your Area (please don’t report spam)…
Exorcism Needed 👹: this might be a little random
Exorcism Needed 👹: butExorcism Needed 👹: do you think maybe we could all meet?
Felix ☀️: wait really?
Exorcism Needed 👹: after exams. if people want to
…. ….
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
Felix
Felix woke up feeling more enthusiastic than he normally was, especially for Messy Monday. 3 weeks, the group chat agreed. 3 weeks until they could meet up. Sure, it was a while away, because they had struggled to find a time that fit all their university and work schedules. But now it finally felt real. Tangible now, like they were all truly within reach like they weren’t before. He tried not to get too excited, though. Because it was probably weird to. The others probably weren’t thinking about it as much as he was.
It was only a hangout, after all. It wasn’t anything life changing. Normal people don’t freak out over it.
Even if his stomach did a small flip at the thought.
Regardless, he rolled out of bed with a pep in his step, a stark contrast to the withering look his roommate gave him when she stumbled out of her room, hand running through her frizzy hair.
“Tell me why we do this again,” she groaned as she plopped herself down on a chair.
Felix rolled his eyes and handed her the duster. “Well, remember that one time we decided to make our apartment cleaning day on Friday, then we fell asleep on the couch? Or when you suggested we try Sundays, and you had to vacuum with a hangover?”
Ryujin stared into the middle-distance, wincing with a, “Don’t remind me.” There was a haunted look in her eyes.
Don’t laugh, or you’ll never live to see another Messy Monday.
Finally, she sat up, visibly pulling herself together. Felix handed her the hair tie on his wrist and asked, “The usual split?”
She nodded solemnly, tying her hair up before she headed to the bathroom.
Besides, he thought, her exams are really stressing her out. Let her take it easy today, maybe see if she wants to go through her notes together again.
It took a lot of bickering at first, but they had eventually came to an agreement on how they’d split the household chores on the second month of living together; Ryujin handled the vacuuming and the bathroom, Felix was in charge of the kitchen and the mopping. Whoever finished first would get started with the laundry, and the other would do the ironing. As much as they hated to clean first thing in the morning, they both agreed that it was nicer to come back to a clean home. Hence, ‘Messy Mondays’ were created.
Felix turned on their mini speaker and connected it to their shared playlist, accurately titled, ‘why did we choose Monday?’
Beat-heavy, fast paced music played out of the speaker, and every now and then Ryujin could be heard singing along. Of course, they reunited for the dance breaks in certain songs, because not doing the choreography should be illegal in Felix’s opinion , then instantly went back to cleaning when it was done.
By the time they reached the laundry, the music started to slow, and so did they. There was idle chatter, with Felix holding up shirts to wordlessly ask ‘does this need ironing?’ Ryujin sat on her bed and folded the ones that didn’t.
“You look happy,” Ryujin noted quietly as she rolled a towel. “It’s nice.”
Felix glanced up at her, slightly confused. He supposed he was, through all the tiredness he felt. Then he remembered why he was so excited in the first place.
“You know the group chat?” He found himself saying, surprising himself.
“Which one?” Ryujin teased, tilting her head in fake confusion. Felix threw a shirt at her face, then immediately apologised as she spluttered and nearly fell off the bed.
“You’re fine,” she responded fondly. “So your infamous group chat, what’s happening with them?”
Felix suddenly felt a little silly.
It’s not like it’s a big deal. We literally just arranged a time and a place to meet up. That’s a normal thing to everyone else.
But it’s Ryujin. She won’t judge.
“Well, we’re actually going to meet up,” he finally said, eyes on the clothes in his hands.
“Felix!” She exclaimed, her voice shooting up an octave. His gaze snapped up from the clothes in his hands in shock, only to see that Ryujin was beaming.
She never beamed.
His face flushed.
“It’s not a big deal,” he tried to add, but even he didn’t quite believe his voice. Ryujin made a face which strongly suggested that she disagreed.
“These are the people you talk about every day. Of course it’s a big deal. When are you meeting? Where is it? Do you want me to spy from a distance? What are you wearing?”
Felix felt his embarrassment and shame ease with each rapid fire question.
Ryujin is excited, which means I’m allowed to be excited too.
His voice became more certain with each answer he gave, “3 weeks from now, at this cafe by the river. Yes, I already checked their menu, and yes, I will get you a muffin. Chan hyung is there, so no spying necessary. And no, I don’t know what I’m wearing.”
Ryujin hummed, placing Felix’s pair of duck socks on his clothes pile. “I guess we‘ll work that out later then.”
Felix raised an eyebrow. “We?” He repeated.
‘We’. Like it’s a group assignment.
“Of course. I’m invested in you and your friends now. Besides, I owe you in advance, this exam season is not gonna be pretty,” She joked, but it fell flat when she avoided his eyes.
Even though Ryujin put up a guarded exterior, Felix could read the message underneath. The unspoken ‘I’m going to need support’ and the ‘Please stay with me’ rolled into one.
We’re exactly the same in that sense. Maybe that’s why we get along so well.
…. ….
It was a long day. The pastry his class had been handling was fiddly and broke off if so much as the wind blew the wrong way. Felix prided himself on his patience, but it made him want to throw the tray across the room. Maybe he had manifested the wrong energy or something. Hyunjin probably would have given him some kind of crystal. Or maybe he knew how to bake pastries, with the amount of hobbies he had.
To be fair, exam time always left him feeling frayed at the edges without him having any exams himself. His own course was more practical. There were no written exams, just endless worksheets and assessed dishes. But he could feel the tension and stress in the air everywhere he went, coating him in it like a second skin. It was almost like he absorbed the exhaustion radiating off of the people he stayed around, like Chan and Ryujin. He was always fine in the end, but the tiredness after was similar to when you leave your arm extended in the air for too long.
It was the kind of day that left Felix starfished on his bed and staring at his sky, the little glow in the dark stars stuck carefully on his ceiling.
His phone buzzed beside him, and he frowned at the contact name.
What’s Ryujin doing messaging? She has a lab…she shouldn’t be on her phone, did something happen? Just check it, but she’s probably fine.
What if she messed around with some rock and made it have some sort of chemical reaction? And exploded? Or set on fire? That sounded like something Ryujin would do.
Felix opened the text.
ryuuu 🥰: Just had a thought
ryuuu 🥰: When your friends organise your next hangout
ryuuu 🥰: Invite them over here!
Felix sighed in relief. No blown up Ryujin on his hands, luckily.
bokk 🤩: omg
bokk 🤩: I thought you’d died or something!!
bokk 🤩: Get back to your lab work!
ryuuu 🥰: 😐🧍♀️
ryuuu 🥰: but it’s sandstone
ryuuu 🥰: sandstone is BORING
bokk 🤩: maybe some people like it?
ryuuu 🥰: it is sand
ryuuu 🥰: stuck together
ryuuu 🥰: I know we’re doing sedimentary stuff but like…at least give me a BIF 😒😒
Seungmin probably knows the commercial value of standstone. He seems like that kind of guy.
But something stuck with Felix. ‘Next hangout’. He hoped there would be a next time. He just had to make sure this first one went smoothly.
3 weeks. He could do that.
He opened the group chat, and considered double checking to confirm it hadn’t been magically cancelled in the past 24 hours without them telling him. He decided against it in favour of not seeming too clingy, but he sent a message instead, just to get across that he was looking forward to it. And maybe to check that they were still going forward with it.
Felix ☀️: Soon 💖
He smiled when everyone, even Minho, sent a heart in response.
Jisung
Rice and queso from a can was arguably not a good dinner choice for a lactose intolerant person, but that’s literally all that remained in Jisung’s pantry. Besides, you couldn’t convince him that it actually had cheese in there.
And honestly? It added to the ‘suffering and desperation’ vibe he had going on. The state of his room was not something he was proud of, but unfortunately, it became a system. And once something became a system, moving an item even a minuscule amount meant he wouldn’t find it for the next four weeks. So, Jisung sat in the corner of his room, hunched over his desk like some sort of cave goblin, eating his rice and probably-not-quite-cheese mix.
The noise music in his speakers played as he rewatched his lecture, pulsing like someone was drop-kicking a tambourine down a staircase. He nodded along as he listened, colour coding sections of his textbook with highlighters and sticky notes. Red meant ‘you’re gonna die if you don’t know this’, green meant ‘you could probably wing this’, and purple meant ‘I have an irrelevant random thought about this’.
A foolproof study method.
Even Jisung-proof!
Jisung moved his elbow, and his arm smudged the marker on the whiteboard he was using to practice equations.
Shit.
There went his working out for question 36B. Gone, just like the last of his sanity. He kind of wanted to scream. And melt into a puddle.
That one part of the question took him thirty five minutes. The universe could hit him with lightning now, thanks.
Deeming he had done his colour coding well enough, he switched back over to his whiteboard questions. Loading up the online textbook, he paused his music to let Suzanna speak. The monotone voice of his text-to-speech device played as he wrote the important numbers down. He was too tired to read it himself, okay?!
Hearing Suzanna struggle over the engineering jargon made him smile a bit, because that meant they were in the same boat. He grinned, watching the cursor blink as she stalled like a car in traffic. Suzanna stumbled through pronouncing a particularly long word, and Jisung muttered, “You’re doing amazing, sweetie.”
Jisung thought that he’d probably worked her overtime in the past few weeks. It was getting to the point where he started to feel bad for Suzanna. Maybe he could give the app some vacation days.
He paused when he heard the background information for the question, because the scenario was so similar to how Jeongin forgot those children in his fire drill. He laughed as he took a picture, sending it to the chat for the youngest four group chat members.
As if the thought snapped him out of his trance, he looked at the food that had gone cold on his desk with disgust. He got up and threw it into the microwave, because he had standards . Sure, they were low and getting lower by the day, but cold food that should be hot was where he drew the line.
Halfway through the microwave timer, Jeongin succinctly replied to his text with a middle finger.
Exorcism: fight me
Hyung Supreme: I’m sure I’d win
Exorcism: I’m convinced you’re at least a head shorter than me
Jisung looked up to check on his rice. He opened the microwave, and as per usual, the plate was scalding, while the rice was a mini Antarctica. The eternal mystery of microwaves.
Exorcism: I guess we’ll find out (I’m right)
Meong: I’ll bring the measuring tape to the cafe
Felix ☀️: I’ll probably need a chair to see all of your heights properly but I can measure 😭
Exorcism: looks like you’ve got to get growing fast, hyung
Exorcism: Not long to go
Jisung stared at it a beat too long, then grinned faintly, shifting his gaze to the microwave timer. 10 seconds left.
“Yeah. It’s soon,” he said to himself, but he didn’t think he was talking about his rice anymore.
Soon.
Chan
“You look tired, Chris. Have you been taking care of yourself?”
That was not a question Chan was expecting to answer. He thought he looked okay?
Chan rubbed the bridge of his nose, glancing at the scattered energy drink cans and half-empty coffee cups around his desk. “Yeah, I’m fine,” he said into the camera, forcing a laugh as his sister’s eyes narrowed. And it’s not like he was lying, he did get some sleep! An hour and a half was better than nothing, right? He’d just lost his sense of time when he was revising over blood drawing procedures.
“Emma, I swear, I’m alright! Besides, I should be asking you the same thing-“
There was movement on his younger brother’s screen as he leaned in. “-Are you sure you’re good to check my stuff? I know you have exams coming up so-“
“Yeah nah no worries, send it my way! I’ll read over it tonight,” Chan promised, noting how Noah’s shoulders dropped in relief. He understood that kind of stress himself; first year of any uni course was tough, so he was glad he could help his brother with it.
Chan had a vivid memory of when he couldn’t: his brother needed help with long division and he couldn’t remember how to do it for the life of him. That night consisted of a younger Noah hunched over his homework in tears and a very confused younger Chan trying his best to walk him through it. Or the time that Emma stepped in because Noah took a subject that she did…he shuddered at the thought.
The thud of a door closing echoed from Mia’s quarter of his screen. “Oi, Noah, come back to the kitchen and help me with dinner,” she yelled from over her shoulder. From Noah’s portion of the screen, he saw him turn around and roll his eyes. Although Noah’s room was on the other end of the house, their youngest sibling’s voice was loud. He remembered how her voice had carried across the room, even when she was little.
“Oooh, what are you cooking up this week? Show us!” Emma demanded excitedly. She always ramped up her antics when Mia went shy, just like she was then. Suddenly, a hand grabbed her phone and it turned to reveal the culprit - Noah, who showcased the cut vegetables and simmering pot, despite Mia’s protests.
“Our MasterChef maknae!” Chan teased. Mia tried her best to downplay it, because “it was just the way Chris taught us to do it”, but Chan interrupted with encouragement and making her promise to send pictures when it was done.
“Ah hyung? Noona?” Noah began. “I think we’re gonna have to go soon.”
“Yeah, our dinner’s pretty much done, it’s just got to simmer for a bit.”
“Then why’d you ask me to help you with it-“
“So you could do the dishes!”
“But you were the one to make them dirty!”
“Do you want to eat? Because-“
“Guys,” Chan interjected. “It’s okay if you need to go. Does the same time next week work by the way?”
Mia and Noah turned to the camera and gave a thumbs up. Emma added, “You ask that every time, as if Family FaceTime has ever been moved.”
Chan’s voice pitched higher, “What? I just like to be sure!” The response to which was several snickers, light bullying and a “just like that one time where-“
…. ….
The call ended with a flurry of goodbyes, and Chan hopped off the call feeling lighter than he had been in a while. Even though there was that pang of grief. He leaned back, and stared at the glow of his laptop. When did his siblings get so big? Without him there?
He moved his phone from his laptop that he was using as a phone, ignoring the lopsided way it sat from all the scattered papers on his desk. Chan was normally very particular about his space, and made sure to keep it organised. It was harder for him to find focus otherwise, but he couldn’t bring himself to care.
The clock read 6:45 p.m. He could get a few things done, he wasn’t too tired. Noah’s assignment wasn’t too much, just a few files and a research paper. Chan did a bit of reading into the topic first, a little edit of the paper after, and wrote a few comments in the margins with feedback. Just a quick fix, really. He opened another tab and leaned in, gnawing at the inside of his cheek, eyes fixed on the blinking cursor. Half an hour stretched, doubled, blurred.
When he next looked up, it was 12:01 a.m.
His stomach cramped faintly, reminding him he hadn’t eaten since morning, but he brushed it off. He had his own work to do. He opened another tab. Forced himself to keep going. Just a little more, he told himself. Just get through this.
Chan’s hands shook as he opened a new file, hunger gnawing in his stomach, as he told himself that he could get away with revising one more topic. He read through the activity and got to work, his handwriting scrawled. Cursed when he had to search through all his open tabs to find that one source that he needed. He didn’t even remember what the first three tabs were for.
It was 3:22am. Chan sighed, resigned to his fate.
The to-do list sat within reach with way too many things to cross off, and it didn’t look like the list was getting any shorter. If anything, it seemed longer, the same tasks splitting into smaller ones the second he glanced away. He dragged it over, pen hovering. For a moment he thought about writing something new, just to cross it off. He rubbed the heel of his hand into his eye until his vision blurred, then began dragging lines through entire rows.
Not because they were finished. Because they wouldn’t be.
Crossing things off was supposed to feel good. This felt…like lying.
Chan simply refreshed the page, jaw tight. He couldn’t stop now. He told himself he was grateful. He told himself he could keep up. He told himself a lot of things.
His phone buzzed.
Chan almost ignored it. Another request, another reminder of everything he hadn’t done, but the name on the screen made him pause.
He should’ve known it was Minho.
The notification opened to a meme. A cartoon cat falling down the stairs in a dramatic slo-mo.
Phantom: hot take: this’ll be you trying to single handedly manage jisung and hyunjin at once
Chan felt his shoulders loosen before he realised they’d been hunched for hours.
not old: Nah, I’m going to win the bet. Just you watch
not old: I’ve got 3 younger siblings, I’m basically trained in chaos wrangling
not old: This meet up will be a cake walk
Phantom: you won’t last 20 minutes. that 5000 won is mine.
He pressed the phone to his chest for a moment, and he could almost ignore all of the work ahead of him. It’d end…soon. He could meet them all soon. He just needed to do a little more.
For the first time all day, he exhaled without rushing to pull the air back in.
It was going to be a long night.
Seungmin
Seungmin adjusted the cactus on his desk.
It was probably in his head, but it was starting to look at him judgementally. Maybe it was the angle. Or maybe it was the fact that he hadn’t properly opened his curtains in two weeks.
He stretched, his spine cracking, as he opened the Quizlet flashcards that he had gone over five times in the past 4 days. Seungmin had followed his study schedule religiously this semester - there were going to be no stress-induced migraines this time around, no staring at his laptop until his brain leaked out of his ears. And he was on track. Thirty minutes of flashcards for the topic, then self-assessment after a short break.
All that came to a halt with a single ping to his phone. It was his university friend, typing in panicked all-caps, ‘PROJECT MARKS ARE OUT’.
Seungmin’s stomach dropped.
It was a six week monster, with an equally extensive written report paired with it. Seungmin had quite literally put blood (not his, unless a paper cut counted), sweat, and tears into that report. He remembered all the sleepless nights, all the hours he spent pouring over resources in the library, all the things in his life that he put on hold to get it done. How he wanted to throw up when he thought he accidentally deleted the file. The churning of his stomach the day he handed it in. The way he cried from relief when it was handed in. More importantly, how it was worth a significant portion of his grade.
Dread creeped up his neck.
He took the noise cancelling earbuds out of his ears and immediately logged into his university profile.
It’s not that he hadn’t tried, but he wasn’t sure if he had tried enough. And yes, technically he would still pass the course if he flunked the project - he had done the math. His other scores, in the 90’s, could carry him through, as long as it was above a 30%. The exam was worth barely anything after all. Although he wondered if his project was even good enough for said 30%.
He took a shaky breath, one hand hovering over the mouse.
His eyes skimmed past the feedback to the final results. He could read that later. He needed to know that he did okay.
99%.
Oh.
Well.
Okay then.
He expected some feeling of relief or achievement this time, despite his track record proving otherwise. The stress was gone, but what was left behind was nothing more than indifference. The bodily version of ‘anyways, next’.
It was a decent report, sure, but he didn’t expect the assessors to think it was that good. However, Seungmin probably would’ve had a breakdown if he hadn’t received an A+.
In the face of sounding incredibly self-absorbed, Seungmin was smart. He’d known this, been told this, since he was first put in his elementary school’s gifted program. He was the student that made people cheer when someone else got a higher mark than him. School wasn’t something he particularly struggled with. High school was different, given that he hadn’t needed to study until then, but he’d replaced the proper study techniques that he never actually learned with rigorous hours of work and nobody could tell the difference.
90. 100. A-grade. That was his normal. His expectation.
This score simply didn’t feel like anything to be proud of. It wasn’t important. Even if he put in all that effort.
…. ….
Seungmin’s household enforced the habit of a family dinner twice a week, which he had always thought was strange. Growing up, he’d wondered if this was their way of discerning if they actually liked each other.
The dinners were never bad, his parents were decent at cooking. Nor was he ungrateful that his parents still let him live with them, he knew several people who weren’t. So he thought it was best to indulge in their wishes, since he was staying with them after all.
His parents’ house was lovely. Marble countertops, tidy lounge room and a wooden table without the water stains. Yet every time he looked at it, he was reminded of a staged setting on an IKEA catalogue - one without a soul to it. There were enough family photos scattered around countertops, as if offering proof that a family lived there, but the pictures felt faded. Hard to reach.
Dinner wasn’t awkward, there just wasn’t much to discuss. Majority of the noise came from the clanking of utensils. His dad had asked about everyone’s day, which him and his mom responded to accordingly. There were a couple updates about work, new job responsibilities and a few petty coworkers.
“I got my project report results back,” Seungmin began, tentatively, eyes locked firmly on the piece of beef he was picking up. “99 per cent. It was the top result by a fair margin, which is pretty cool.”
The clock ticked loudly behind him.
Tick. Tick.
His mother hummed in response, and his dad remained quiet as he reached for the spinach.
“Which project?”
Seungmin kept his eyes on his plate, trying to keep the sigh out of his shoulders.
The faint clunk of bowls being set down were louder than the silence that followed. His father reached for the beef. “Pass that here,” he said, not unkindly, just…like it mattered more.
Seungmin slid it across without thinking. He didn’t hold his breath for a well done - he’d learned that lesson years ago. By the time he picked his chopsticks back up, the conversation had shifted to whether the dog needed a new collar.
…. ….
Seungmin sat on his desk chair, earbuds in, phone screen on to the group chat. A half written text from earlier remained unsent, a picture of his results page with the caption, ‘I’m a little surprised’. He wrote it just after he saw his score, and the relief clearly hadn’t left his veins. Looking back on it, Seungmin thought it was embarrassing, but what was more embarrassing was how a large part of him wanted to share it with them. How he’d imagined their responses. Jisung saying something in all caps, Changbin following suit, and Felix with emojis. Hyunjin, Minho and Jeongin being nonchalant about it. How Chan would have texted something far too heartfelt that Seungmin would secretly screenshot for himself to keep.
So he deleted the message. After all, it truly wasn’t anything to be proud of.
It wasn’t important.
It didn’t…matter.
He picked up his cactus and placed it by the window. It didn’t need much love to survive. Just a little light. It would be okay by tomorrow.
He checked his phone to see that Chan had sent some heartfelt message about taking care of themselves, immediately followed by Jisung and Hyunjin teasing him for it. Seungmin couldn’t help but smile.
Soon, he thought, his eyes landing on his cactus.
And that surprised him.
Notes:
I have no excuse as to why this is late. But I lowkey locked tf in and went on a writing SPREE. And…this is the part 1 of the result of that lmao. Anyways this is WAY longer than usual so I hope it was okay!!
Chapter 22: soon (pt 2)
Summary:
Previously on Hot Singles in Your Area (please don’t report spam)…
Felix ☀️: Soon 💖
He smiled when everyone, even Minho, sent a heart in response.
…. ….
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
Hyunjin
Several times these past few months, Hyunjin had been left wondering how he could miss people that he’d never met.
Ever since Felix told him he got nervous when people didn’t respond for extended periods of time, Hyunjin made it his unofficial side quest to send updates about his day. Was it working? Who knew. But it felt…necessary.
There wasn’t much to update him on; his room was a disaster. Not the charming, Instagram-worthy chaos of an “artistic soul,” but the sort of mess that could be used as evidence in court. Lab worksheets were stacked to his left, art supplies scattered on his bed, sketches both saved and crumpled were basically his new carpet. Hyunjin sat, posture perfect, in his chair. The only safe zone from all the clutter. Alas, sending a pic of him in this state? Absolutely not. This was not mess, this was a crime scene, and the Hyunjin™️ brand did not permit crime scenes. The mystique must be preserved.
Instead, Hyunjin sent a screenshot of one of his lab results. It was a petri dish colony shaped like a heart, and in Hyunjin’s opinion, it was gross, but adorable. Felix did not share that sentiment. He was absolutely horrified. Naturally, Felix had circulated it to the group chat for their opinions, where it spiralled into a heated debate on whether “bacterial love” was wholesome or a biohazard.
Some of the responses were so absurd that Hyunjin couldn’t help but cackle. A loud, ugly sound he usually suffocated into the polite laugh he had learned to give.
Wait, that was him?
He froze mid-laugh, almost scandalised at himself.
He clapped a hand over his mouth like someone had just walked in on him mid-secret. Shocked, he adjusted his hair, thankful nobody saw it.
It was…unexpected.
He almost didn’t recognise the sound anymore.
And it felt wrong, but…nice.
He shook it off and sighed, pulling himself back into his work. He wasn’t just double-checking his calculations, he was combing over them like each decimal place could make his entire future collapse. Because in his head, it absolutely could.
People could compliment his cheekbones all they liked. And fine, yes, they deserved their own fan club, because obviously they were spectacular, but this? The numbers lining up, the experiment working…this was something he actually earned. Something he’d worked for. Something he’d built himself.
And maybe, someday, someone else would see that too.
Someday soon.
(Not that he’d care, of course. He’d be far too busy…doing other, more important things. Like…moisturising.)
Changbin
Changbin swore under his breath, hand clamped over his toe and face twisted in pain. How long had that dumbbell been there? Why was it being used as a doorstop? He had actual doorstops for this exact reason!
“Imagine stubbing your toe on a dumbbell,” his sister said dryly from behind him. He raised an eyebrow, tilting his head at her equally red foot.
All it took was one death glare and he was apologising.
“Anyways, I’ve got the snacks on the coffee table, did you pick a movie?” Chaeryeong asked as she plopped onto his couch, her legs flung out and taking up all the space.
“Move,” he mumbled, shoving her legs aside. “And no, I didn’t, I wanted to wait for you so we can pick together. What were we thinking?”
“You had one job.” She deadpanned, throwing the blanket over his legs.
Changbin threw his hands up in defeat. “You always hate the movies I pick!”
“No I don’t!”
“Well I was going to pick this one-“
“-That looks boring.”
“See! How about you pick one?”
Chaeryeong hummed in response, one hand sneaking its way into his chip packet.
Changbin handed his sister the remote and stole a handful of her gummy bears, watching her scroll until she landed on a horror movie. Changbin snorted. “Chae, you can’t survive horror movies. Remember the time where you jumped so hard-“
“That I spilled the popcorn everywhere? You never let me forget. Besides, it’s still daytime, I’ll be fine.” She insisted, even though they both knew she’d stay overnight because she’d be too scared to drive home after.
…. ….
Changbin was right. Chaeryeong’s shrieks at the jump scares were getting louder with each scene, and he was halfway through a victory lap around the coffee table, popcorn bowl in hand, when she hurled a cushion at him.
“Don’t get smug, Bin,” she warned, narrowing her eyes.
“Too late. Already smug.” He grinned, stuffing another handful into his mouth. “Also-”
“Don’t.”
“-You’re so sleeping with the lights on tonight.”
She groaned and kicked at him, steel-capped work boots abandoned in the hallway but still somehow there in spirit.
The movie itself was decent, given the outdated special effects and all. Changbin tried his best to time when to eat the snacks so he wouldn’t accidentally flinch on a jumpscare, choke and die.
Him and his sister were booing the main character for being stupid, and pretended each other’s eyes weren’t watery because the dog had just been killed by the demon. Until Chaeryeong made a comment about how she’d just set everything on fire, problem solved. It took one exchanged glance, both trying to keep a straight face, and they burst out laughing.
Changbin almost missed the notification ping on his phone, followed quickly by another. Assuming it was the group chat, he grabbed his phone and opened the message, absently munching on a handful of chips.
He froze mid-chew, the salt suddenly like grit between his teeth.
It was not the group chat.
His face dropped, his smile long gone. He glanced up at his sister, who also checked her phone. The phone’s light illuminated her matching facial expression in the curtained room, her doe eyes wide and shiny. Ironically, times like these made Changbin realise how similar they actually looked.
His breath hitched as he read the message again, the sound of the movie fading into background noise.
“September 5th. It would be appreciated if you made an appearance.”
His father always was quite the wordsmith.
“Fuck them,” Chaeryeong snapped before he could say anything, tossing her phone onto the couch like it had burned her. “Why are they sending this now? To mess with us? September is months away!”
“So they can make us the assholes if we don’t show up,” Changbin muttered, still staring at the glowing screen. “We had ‘all the time in the world to make arrangements, yet we didn’t.’” He even pitched his voice lower to mimic their father, which would’ve been funny if it didn’t make his stomach twist.
Chaeryeong’s lips pressed into a thin line. She reached forward, snagging the last chip from the bag and crunching down on it like it was the one responsible. “You’re not going if you don’t want to.”
“Neither are you.” His voice came out sharper than he meant, but she didn’t flinch.
“But,” her words came slower, voice even and measured. “If you go, I’m going with you.”
His hands gripped the snacks tighter as he began to protest.
“Too bad. I’m not leaving you alone there. Not again.”
He frowned. “Again?”
She gave him that look. The one said more things than anything she could say. “Bin, the first two times? You went without me so I wouldn’t have to deal with it. Don’t think I didn’t notice.”
He opened his mouth, then shut it again. The memory of those dinners: picking at his plate, swallowing every comment, the performance of it all… it curled in his chest and settled uncomfortably.
He couldn’t argue.
“It’s better if we join forces anyway. I can picture it,” she added, tone dripping with sarcasm. “They’d just love us. I could rock up in my work uniform and everything.”
He gave her a flat look, but the thought of it made his chest ache.
“Guess I better wash my steel caps,” she said, forcing a smirk that didn’t reach her eyes.
“Yeah,” he answered, wishing he could laugh back.
They stared each other down for a moment, the movie still flickering on in the background.
“It’s okay, Chae. It’ll be over soon.”
He didn’t know how true that was.
Jeongin
Jeongin clutched his notes like holding them tighter might make the words sink in. Jeongin flipped through them, absently skimming over the words, until his eyes drifted to the clock on his bedside table. An hour had passed since he last checked.
That sinking feeling in his gut was back.
The kind his students liked to call squeezy-queasy, usually followed by Jeongin walking them outside for air, just in case.
He told himself it was exam nerves.
It was 9pm. Twelve hours left, he calculated. Ten and a half, maybe eleven if he was lucky, factoring in getting ready and heading to the breakfast place. He wasn’t an early riser, but he thought it was better to get the date over with so the rest of the day could be spent recovering.
He flipped open his planner to confirm the time. A small, lopsided sad face stared back from tomorrow’s slot.
He didn’t feel like studying anymore.
There was a short knock on the door. His mom poked her head in. “Don’t forget about tomorrow.”
“I won’t,” he said. His voice came out thin.
“I’m excited for you, Jeongin-ah. This girl could be the one. Don’t spend all night studying, okay?”
“I won’t,” he repeated, quieter this time.
The door clicked shut. He sat there, staring at the calendar until the numbers blurred.
Jeongin carefully flipped his planner three weeks ahead. Written in neat letters, ‘Group chat’ with a small heart. He could do this. They were meeting up soon.
Soon felt like both a promise and a threat.
Minho
Minho was not above attacking someone with a metal spoon. And that, he thought, spoke magnitudes of exactly what kind of person he was.
Certain patients made him consider it daily, yet the people at the recreational centre never did.
That train of thought trailed off as he stepped into the rec centre, his choreography notebook in one hand and his phone with a recording of it in the other. There was always a hum in the air that put him at ease, despite his initial belief that it would leave him overstimulated and with a twitch in his eye. It was familiar: the distant bounce of a basketball, kids’ voices echoing in the hall, the squeak and thud of fast movement on slippery floors.
Minho slid his staff keys off of the lanyard around his neck to open Studio 2. Sunghoon, the younger guy who taught the class scheduled before his, was meticulous about leaving the studio clean and locked. The first time Minho realised that there was another instructor who actually cleaned? He nearly cried. On the occasion that they did cross paths, they didn’t say a single word to each other. Just a nod. Sometimes they stood there in complete silence. It was bliss.
He made quick work to open the windows, because a stuffy room made dancing unbearable for everyone. He counted the yoga mats (again) because they had an odd habit of going missing. Unfortunately, he couldn’t prove that admin had taken them, just like they couldn’t prove who made their juice box stash mysteriously disappear every Wednesday afternoon.
Minho set shoes in place and stepped back before he sat on the floor, flicking through his notes as if he didn’t already know the movements by heart. He was mid-page-turn when his phone buzzed behind him.
It was probably Chan. Saying something deeply stupid.
Minho was once told that there were only three certainties in this world: life, death, and taxes. But to his surprise, their daily messages to each other had started to feel like a fourth.
Maybe it was ridiculous (because the texts were almost always ridiculous), but he couldn’t stop checking. He hummed as his phone loaded, fingers tapping a beat on his phone.
not old: Just saw a cat that looked exactly like you. It ignored me. Felt authentic.
Minho rolled his eyes, but his face betrayed him with the lazy smile that grew on his face.
Phantom: you don’t even know what I look like
not old: The energy was the same, so you must look the same
Phantom: how so
not old: Slightly feral. Probably bites. Sweet in its own way.
Phantom: it seems that i’ve become too predictable
Phantom: guess i’ll have to move to the bahamas under a fake identity and start over
not old: You in the Bahamas is the funniest thing I can think of
not old: Just imagine
not old: The sand
not old: The saltwater going all crusty on your face
Minho cringed. Violently.
Phantom: i change my mind. i’m hiding out in the mountains. i heard caves are lovely this time of year.
not old: Ah yes, suddenly disappear on a random Wednesday
not old: Wait
not old: It’s Wednesday
not old: How was dance class? Or is that not done yet
Phantom: ???
Phantom: how did you know
not old: You told me and I…remembered?
not old: Was I not supposed to??
Before he could respond, he heard the patter of several footsteps coming closer. Minho closed his eyes, savouring the last few seconds of peace. Then, as if the hallway was on fire, his students burst in the room.
“Shoes on the line,” he reminded without looking up.
Which, like everything else, was ignored spectacularly, judging by the small pile of shoes thrown haphazardly. That were very much not on the line.
He heard one last shuffle, a thump, and the faint squeak of someone half-heartedly dragging sneakers into place. He already knew was Haneul. It was always Haneul.
He texted a quick ‘got to go’ to Chan and shoved his phone behind him like it might sprout legs and run away if he didn’t.
A couple of them dumped their school bags along the wall, and Seojoon, the well-meaning gremlin he was, ran straight to him for a high five. Seojoon’s high five was followed by Jiwoo’s half-hearted wave, Minji’s announcement that she’d “forgotten her water bottle but it’s fine because I drank an entire carton of chocolate milk at lunch,” and Hyunseo holding out his homework for Minho to check.
“Wrong teacher,” Minho deadpanned, but scanned it anyway.
…. ….
Warmup started with the same song, because routine meant fewer questions. He corrected them as they went like a drill sergeant whose sole purpose in life was to prevent pigeon toes.
“Shoulders back, Minji. Seojoon, you’re not being chased by wolves, you can breathe. Hyunseo…knees. Those are your knees. Use them before I confiscate them.”
When the time choreography learning rolled around, the volume had gone up three decibels.
It was no longer a class. It was a riot with better lighting.
He could pretty much feel the chatter in his bones. To burn some of the noise off, he let them go feral for exactly one track. The room exploded. Jiwoo attempted a cartwheel while Seojoon breakdanced like gravity was a suggestion.
Minho clapped, and the chaos snapped still.
“Alright, everyone. Back to reality,” he said. “Feet shoulder-width. Shoulders relaxed. Eyes forward, unless you’re psychic and already know what I’m going to do next.”
He watched his students’ reflections in the mirror, laser focused, not missing a twitch in a hand or a slump in posture. Haneul’s shoulders were slightly hunched, so Minho leaned down to tap them lightly with a, “Not a turtle. You can hunch on your own time.”
Minho demonstrated the first movement, arms sharp, feet landing with a controlled thump. “Go slow. Feel the floor under your toes. When you land, I want you to land like there’s an egg under you. Don’t squish the egg.”
Hyunseo muttered something about not liking eggs. The room exploded once again.
Midway through the sequence, Minho noticed Haneul’s movement falter. Not dramatically, how she usually did when she couldn’t be bothered to rehearse, just a fraction slower. His eye landed on her leg and- gone was the pink prosthetic covered in the fairy stickers, a glittery blue one in its place. She had the old one for years. Must’ve gotten a replacement.
He knew it took her a couple of days to get used to the new weight the first time around, so, Minho adjusted. It only took a second for him to come up with an alternative count of eight, envisioning clearly how the chain reaction of each step would look.
“Okay, I lied,” he declared, voice carrying. “This move is boring. You’re bored. I’m bored. We’re switching things up.”
The class froze mid-move, a brief ripple of confusion spreading. Minho moved to the front of the room, saying, “Let’s tweak it here. I think it’ll flow better.”
He demonstrated the new movements, still energetic, but lighter on the leg. The other students watched for a second, then followed, energy restored. Haneul’s energy picked back up as she landed the move comfortably.
Minho nodded in approval and the class lost their minds immediately.
…. ….
By the end of the hour, everyone was sweaty, messy-haired, and grinning like they’d just survived a minor apocalypse. Minho let them collapse onto the mats (minus one, gone rogue again), stretching lazily.
Haneul leaned back fully, eyes closed but still managing to blackmail her brother into giving her his snacks.
Minji’s breath came in small puffs as she asked, “Teacher Minho, are we done with the dance yet? We’ve learned it all now!”
“You’re not done yet,” he said, pacing slowly. He received a few groans in response. “But!” He paused. “You’re better than last week. You’re trying. And that’s more than a lot of people ever do.”
Silence for a second. Until Seojoon blurted, “So… we’re doing okay?”
Minho gave a tiny nod. “You’re doing your best. That’s enough for me. Just don’t tell anyone I said that, or I’ll deny it.”
Jiwoo’s grin softened into a tired smile. Satisfied, Seojoon turned to Hyunseo and the others to discuss his new school drama as if he hadn’t done so the entire time. It wasn’t long before the class slowly dispersed. Parents came to pick up their kids, shoes shuffled back on, laughter trailing behind them. Minho remained against the wall for a few more seconds, letting the calm settle in. His chest still buzzed and his arms felt light.
His phone vibrated in his pocket. Chan, of course.
not old: How was feral hour?
Minho grinned at the text, thumb hovering over the keyboard before replying.
Phantom: wild. controlled chaos achieved. no casualties.
Phantom: still exhausting
not old: Hot take: I think that means you did a good job
Thud thud thud.
Minho heard the rapid fire sound of small shoes on the too-shiny floors in front of him, where he caught the movement in his peripherals. Jiwoo scampered across the floor, making Minho bite down a ‘slow down’ as she grabbed her water bottle. She turned around and hurried out the door once again, before she stopped.
“Teacher Minho?” Jiwoo called in a small voice. He hummed in response, picking up on how she rocked back and forth on her heels.
“See you soon?” She all but whispered, and suddenly he was freshly eighteen, overwhelmed, and holding five year old Jiwoo as she sobbed in his arms for the very first time. Jiwoo had asked him the same question each lesson, without fail, since then.
He nodded and gave her a smile, one without the unnerving stare that made his coworkers call him a ‘porcupine, but terrifying’.
“See you soon,” he confirmed, crouching down to let her run to him for a hug before she scurried back to her father.
His eyes trailed over to his phone, Chan’s messages open.
Yeah. Soon.
Notes:
okay so we survived that…let’s gooo!! they’re all gonna be together soon YIPPEE
Also getting 7.8K hits?? HUH? Insane. AND you’re all so sweet 😭😭 Your comments are the best
This started as a silly fic I randomly planned one day when I got bored, without any intention to ever post it…and now I’m 22 chapters in 💀 So thank you for making it this far and I hope you enjoy the journey to come!
Chapter 23: interlude: cookies
Summary:
Previously on Hot Singles in Your Area (please don’t report spam)…
He checked his phone to see that Chan had sent some heartfelt message about taking care of themselves, immediately followed by Jisung and Hyunjin teasing him for it. Seungmin couldn’t help but smile.
Soon, he thought, his eyes landing on his cactus.
And that surprised him.
( - Chapter 21)
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
…. ….
The Competent Ones Private Chat
Members: Minho, Kim Seungmin
15:02
Minho: you’ve been unusually silent
Kim Seungmin: Hello to you too
Minho: interesting.
Kim Seungmin: Far from it
Kim Seungmin: I didn’t notice that I had been silent
Minho: i didn’t raise a liar
Kim Seungmin: You didn’t raise anyone
Kim Seungmin: You’ve known me for 6 months max.
Kim Seungmin: That barely qualifies as an acquaintance
Minho: time is a social construct
Minho: you’re under my wing now.
Kim Seungmin: How do I get out of it
Minho: you don’t. lucky you
Kim Seungmin: I’m touched. Really.
Kim Seungmin: Should I send flowers or just a thank you card?
Minho: i’m expecting roses. at least a hundred.
Minho: or
Minho: you can start telling me why you’ve been quiet.
Kim Seungmin: I wasn’t aware you needed a daily essay from me to survive
Minho: i don’t
Minho: but the group chat didn’t have enough snarky sarcasm
Kim Seungmin: …
Minho: there it is
Minho: the dramatic pause of emotion
Kim Seungmin: It’s not dramatic
Kim Seungmin: I’m the opposite of emotional
Minho: do you need me to buy you a cookie or something
Kim Seungmin: …That’s your idea of support
Kim Seungmin: One singular cookie
Minho: you seem like the type
Kim Seungmin: That’s the weakest profiling i’ve ever seen.
Minho: then prove me wrong
Seen 15:05
Minho: mhm. thought so.
Kim Seungmin: Does the cookie have bits in it
Minho: …bits?
Kim Seungmin: Chunks of stuff
Kim Seungmin: Chocolate is acceptable, oat & raisin absolutely are not. Too many variables in it
Minho: ❌ incorrect, oat is underrated
Kim Seungmin: I shouldn’t have expected otherwise. Of course you like oat cookies
Minho: no chunks means it’s probably crumbly
Minho: and crumbs on your clothes ruins everyone’s day
Minho: which is generally bad
Minho: unless you just happen to leave a crumbly cookie in someone’s bag
Minho: for revenge
Kim Seungmin: That sounds like lived experience
Minho: they’ll never know it was me
…. ….
17:21
Kim Seungmin: Hey, hyung
Kim Seungmin: Earlier today
Kim Seungmin: What did you mean by quiet?
Minho: you weren’t doing your usual morning replies at like 8am on the dot
Minho: and you always do
Minho: was starting to think you were kidnapped
Kim Seungmin: Kidnapped.
Kim Seungmin: That’s what you went with.
Minho: it’s statistically plausible
Minho: more likely than you skipping your routine without a reason
Kim Seungmin: Maybe I just slept in
Minho: you don’t
Kim Seungmin: You sound very sure about that
Minho: i’m right. don’t fight it.
Kim Seungmin: …
Kim Seungmin: I don’t know. Exams, maybe?
Kim Seungmin: Just didn’t feel like talking much.
Minho: that’s all?
Kim Seungmin: …Isn’t it allowed to be?
Minho: yeah. it is.
Minho: it’s not illegal to be quiet. just checking
Kim Seungmin: Hm.
Kim Seungmin: Must be that paramedic brain
Kim Seungmin: Not everything is a crisis
Minho: what can i say, occupational hazard
Kim Seungmin: I change my mind. You’re just nosy.
Minho: part of my roguish charm
Kim Seungmin: Ew
Minho: i will barbecue you.
Kim Seungmin: 😐
Minho: but also?
Minho: you weren’t following your pattern
Kim Seungmin: My pattern
Minho: you’re predictable
Kim Seungmin: Thanks
Minho: boring, actually.
Kim Seungmin: I’m flattered
Minho: but boring means you make sense.
Minho: reliable.
Minho: and when reliable people change, it sticks out.
Kim Seungmin: Huh.
Kim Seungmin: That’s… not the worst logic.
Minho: high praise. i’ll frame it.
Kim Seungmin: Don’t get used to it
Kim Seungmin: Regardless, I didn’t expect anyone would notice if I was quiet
Kim Seungmin: So I assumed it would be fine if I just
Kim Seungmin: Didn’t respond
Minho: incorrect again.
Kim Seungmin: Why do you sound like you’re marking my answers with red pen.
Minho: occupational hazard part 2.
Minho: and you’re not obligated to reply
Minho: but your input occasionally adds something to the conversation
Kim Seungmin: …
Kim Seungmin: Occasionally.
Minho: yep.
Kim Seungmin: That’s supposed to be comforting?
Minho: mildly.
…. ….
17:43
Kim Seungmin: Hyung
Kim Seungmin: You watch people closer than you let on
Kim Seungmin: Don’t you
Minho: so do you
Seen 17:44
Kim Seungmin: I refuse to share personality traits with you
Kim Seungmin: I’m not a societal hazard
Minho: tough luck.
Kim Seungmin: That’s it? That’s your reassurance?
Minho: you’re the one who doesn’t want a cookie.
Minho: i’m out of options here
Kim Seungmin: …
Kim Seungmin: You’re annoying.
Minho: thank you. i try
…. ….
18:01
Minho: i’ll buy you that cookie by the way
Kim Seungmin: …Two. Minimum.
Minho: fine.
Minho: two.
Kim Seungmin: Adequate.
Notes:
what did Felix say last update? 3 weeks….
I guess that means this is 2 then…Also congrats on making this far, this week has been insane, so apologies for the late one. But you’ll be getting 2 chapters bc I think I didn’t post one last week so
Chapter 24: barnacles
Summary:
Previously on Hot Singles in Your Area (please don’t report spam)…
The numbers lining up, the experiment working…this was something Hyunjin actually earned. Something he’d worked for. Something he’d built himself.
And maybe, someday, someone else would see that too.
Someday soon.
(- Chapter 22)
…. ….
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
…. ….
tax evasion is NOT evading us Private Chat
Members: Felix, evading taxes
21:44
evading taxes: Lixie?
evading taxes: You there?
Felix: hi Hyunjinnie hyung!!
Felix: What’s going on?
evading taxes: I’m just thinking
evading taxes: About tomorrow
evading taxes: Us all finally meeting
Felix: me too
Felix: did you want to talk about it?
Felix: because I’m here
Felix: always will be 💖
evading taxes: don’t say that
evading taxes: you can’t guarantee that
Felix: why not?
evading taxes: I just-
evading taxes: fuck
evading taxes: idk why I can’t explain this
evading taxes: it’s literally not that bad
evading taxes: I don’t know why I’m like this
Felix: Hyung, it’s okay
Felix: take your time 💞
Felix: I’ll wait for you
evading taxes: sorry, my hands are shaking
evading taxes: this is gonna take forever to type
evading taxes: just when-
evading taxes: Lixie?
Felix: Hyung ☹️☹️ it’s okay I promise
Felix: take deep breaths
evading taxes: just
evading taxes: when you meet me, please don’t change
Felix: Change?
Felix: What do you mean?? Why would I do that??
evading taxes: I know I’ve joked about how hot I am
evading taxes: and I know it sounds ridiculous and egotistical
evading taxes: but when people meet me, that’s all they see
evading taxes: they don’t see a person, they don’t see Hyunjin
evading taxes: they only see the face that “should be in modelling”
evading taxes: and they want that face to be perfect
evading taxes: even if it’s not real
evading taxes: so when I show them the rest of me, they don’t stick around
evading taxes: because they only want the pretty parts.
evading taxes: not me.
evading taxes: because you know what
evading taxes: turns out I can be pretty fucking ugly sometimes.
evading taxes: and its so scary finally meeting you guys
evading taxes: because I’ve realised how much you all actually mean to me, even if I don’t admit it
evading taxes: I’ve never had a group that I can actually call my friends
evading taxes: and I… can’t lose that
Felix: Jinnie, I’m so sorry to hear all this
Felix: you’ve been through so much
evading taxes: its whatever. people have had worse
evading taxes: like boohoo people find me pretty
Felix: It’s not whatever, but would it help to know that I’m scared too?
evading taxes: what
evading taxes: why???
Felix: Well
Felix: What if you guys meet me, find out what I’m like and leave?
Felix: It wouldn’t be the first time
evading taxes: oh
evading taxes: Lix…
Felix: I’m open, sensitive and empathetic
Felix: and people like to use that
Felix: the amount of times I’ve been called naive and stupid for it
Felix: amongst other things
evading taxes: what
evading taxes: oh my god Lix no
evading taxes: you’re not
evading taxes: you’re so far from it
Felix: Like I understand why they said it
evading taxes: no
evading taxes: whoever called you that didn’t deserve you.
evading taxes: at all.
evading taxes: they’ll be getting a brick to the face from me
Felix: Hyung 😭😭 I just wanted to tell you
Felix: so you know that I get where you’re coming from
Felix: because it is a hard pill to swallow that some people are like this
Felix: and I’m sure people have done exactly that to you too
evading taxes: …
evading taxes: yeah
Felix: but Jinnie, the group chat works a little differently
Felix: I’m still learning that myself
Felix: But we don’t know what you look like
Felix: And even when we finally do, we’ve only ever known you as Hyunjin
Felix: The goofy bacteria nerd who will always buy a latte even if you only have $3 in your wallet
Felix: Who always tries things at least once, even if they’re terrifying, because if you die ‘at least you die with flawless skin’
Felix: Who secretly checks in on everyone after a hard day
Felix: Who sends me photo updates every day and acts like it’s not to stop me from worrying
Felix: Who is determined, who sticks with his friends, who is endlessly devoted to all the little things
Felix: With about 4000 hobbies to boot
Felix: my theatrical hyung
evading taxes: oh
evading taxes: I…
evading taxes: didn’t think you saw that.
Felix: of course I did
Felix: all of us did
Felix: your sides aren’t ‘ugly’, hyung. they’re just human.
Felix: and you’re a very good one, by the way.
evading taxes: really?
Felix: absolutely
Felix: and what you look like isn’t going to change that
evading taxes: …okay
Felix: Let’s stick together tomorrow, yeah?
Felix: we’ll stay by each others side and won’t leave each other
evading taxes: I’d like that
evading taxes: pinkie promise?
Felix: of course 🤙
evading taxes: why that emoji 💀
Felix: It’s the closest thing they have 🤙
Felix: It is a pinkie promise if you just… squint really hard
evading taxes: okay….I’ll squint then
evading taxes: 🤙
evading taxes: Lixie??
Felix: Yeah??
evading taxes: thank you
evading taxes: and you don’t have to worry either
evading taxes: you’re stuck with me now
evading taxes: probably forever
Felix: I wouldn’t mind that
Felix: like 2 little barnacles on a boat
evading taxes: wow thanks for calling me a crustacean
Felix: crustaceans are lovely!!
evading taxes: hmm
evading taxes: what’s the boat??
Felix: our sinking sanity
Notes:
me when ‘soon’ is actually soon
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watermelon_suga_hi on Chapter 4 Tue 19 Aug 2025 01:22PM UTC
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L1l1J34n on Chapter 7 Tue 19 Aug 2025 11:44AM UTC
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watermelon_suga_hi on Chapter 7 Tue 19 Aug 2025 01:24PM UTC
Last Edited Tue 19 Aug 2025 01:25PM UTC
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watermelon_suga_hi on Chapter 8 Fri 09 May 2025 12:20PM UTC
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LiliaRavenheart on Chapter 8 Mon 19 May 2025 07:11PM UTC
Last Edited Mon 19 May 2025 07:13PM UTC
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LiliaRavenheart on Chapter 8 Fri 11 Jul 2025 07:17PM UTC
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watermelon_suga_hi on Chapter 8 Sat 19 Jul 2025 10:08AM UTC
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LiliaRavenheart on Chapter 9 Mon 19 May 2025 07:24PM UTC
Last Edited Mon 19 May 2025 07:24PM UTC
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watermelon_suga_hi on Chapter 9 Wed 11 Jun 2025 05:44PM UTC
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myshipshurtme on Chapter 9 Sun 15 Jun 2025 09:28AM UTC
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