Love Me Less

by Another_Dead_Poet

Summary:

James Potter is happy. At least that’s what he tells people and that’s what people think. After all he is always smiling, always telling jokes and laughing with Sirius. But he’s not really happy, and he hasn’t been for some time now.

Regulus Black has finally escaped his toxic home. But with a major concussion and long-term effects he's not sure he'll ever be the same. He can only take so much between the mood swings and lack of sleep.

One year ago, James Potter attempted to kill himself and has since been pretending to recover. Regulus Black left his parents' home five months ago. They both have their own issues to navigate but maybe they can navigate them together if they lean on each other

Chapter 1

Notes:

Hiii
So, this is my first work and I'm so nervous! Please bear with me through this messy process <3

Triger warnings for this chapter:
reference to suicide
reference to abuse
reference to abusive parents
Secondhand embarrassment to the max

I really am just jumping right into this so good luck

James Potter is happy. At least that’s what he tells people and that’s what people think. After all he is always smiling, always telling jokes and laughing with his friends. But he’s not really happy, and he hasn’t been for some time now.

You see about a year ago he started not feeling great, which is probably an understatement. He started feeling like he wasn’t doing as good as he should. His grades were slipping. His manager pointed out he wasn't working as hard. And his parents, bless them, were getting worried about him. So, he dropped out of college, quit his job, and became harsh with his parents. His life spiraled downward and he couldn't manage to stop it.

And then he tried to take his own life, found a bottle of painkillers and downed them. His parents found him and rushed him to the hospital. He made it. But then the shame of what happened hit him. For James's sake they kept what happened quiet. Only his parents and three best friends-Sirius, Remus, and Peter- knew about it. It was decided that sending James to a clinic would be for the best. They told everyone he was away visiting a cousin. It was good for James. The routine helped him and when he was discharged, he seemed better. He got a new job, continued therapy, and even began to look into classes again. But that’s only what everyone saw. Inside he was still churning. Desperate to be away from people and always on edge. The only person he could stand for a long period of time was Sirius. Sirius who dropped basically everything to stay with James 24/7.

But about five months ago Sirius Black had a problem of his own drop into his life. You see Sirius ran away from a horrible home when he was sixteen and the Potters had taken him in and loved him as their own. But when Sirius left that place behind, he also left his little brother, Regulus. So, five months ago, Regulus showed up on the doorstep of Sirius and Remus’s flat, black and blue and bloody. He’d been beaten within an inch of his life by their parents and had barely managed to escape. Sirius and Remus rushed him to the hospital where he managed to recover from several broken ribs, a few fractured bones, and a major concussion. The concussion was the worst of it, and it fractured what little structure Regulus had into pieces.

———

James

So maybe James was currently staying at his parents' house. And maybe he was supposed to meet with Sirius an hour ago. And maybe he was still in bed. But whose business was that? No ones, that’s who. James didn't care enough today to try which was fine. What was not fine was that his phone had been ringing for several minutes now and he knew that it was Sirius. Knew it was Sirius and didn't want to answer it. This time after the phone stops ringing it doesn't ring again. Instead, it begins violently buzzing as Sirius spams his phone with worried messages.

James groans and finally rolls over to grab his phone. He fumbles around for his glasses and shoves them onto his face before skimming over the bright messages

Sirius: Yo where are you?

Sirius: We still on for lunch?

Sirius: Heyyy

Sirius: We were supposed to meet an hour ago

Sirius: Did something come up?

Sirius: Are you okay?

Sirius: Prongs I'd love a reply

Sirius: Any day now would be nice

Sirius: James?

 

James: I’m fine

James: Just tired is all

 

Sirius: Want me to come over?

 

James: Could you just pick me up?

James: We can still hang out today

 

Sirius: Be there in 20 <3

Since James ‘incident’ his parents thought it best if he didn’t drive. Which, sure, wasn't the most convenient, but he was making it work. Normally Sirius would pick him up when they'd hang out or he’d take the subway to work.

James groans and rolls out of bed. He shuffles around and finds a pair of jorts and a faded school t-shirt. He makes his way to the bathroom where he violently brushes his teeth, his gums bleed a little and he spits it out with a grimace. He tries to run a brush through his hair but as per usual it does absolutely nothing for his wild curls. He goes back to his room and sits on the edge of his bed. He grabs his phone and scrolls through social media for a few minutes. Sirius had sent him a video of a funny dog and Lily had asked if he was up for lunch come Monday. He likes the dog video and tells Lily he’s up for lunch.

Just then there's a loud honk from outside. Normally Sirius comes inside when he picks James up. James scowls but brushes it off. He yanks on the red converse Sirius got him for Christmas, grabs his wallet and phone, and heads out to the car. James opens the car door and freezes. Sirius Black is not driving. Regulus Black is.

“Hi…” he mumbles, sliding into the passenger seat, “Where's Sirius?”

“Lupin’s hip locked up; He fell. Said he was fine, but you know Sirius.” Regulus explains.

Remus had been suffering from chronic pain since he was a kid. Some days were worse than others. Sometimes his hip would lock up and he’d fall. It was never anything overly serious but Sirius always worried.

So here James was, being driven by Regulus. Not that he didn't like Regulus, but Regulus wasn't Sirius. It was horribly quiet in the car. James reaches over to mess with the radio, but Regulus slaps his hand away.

“I drive in silence.”

“I don't like quiet.” James tries.

“Well, I’m driving.” And there was no arguing with that.

Great, fine. This was a great car ride. A painfully quite fifteen minutes where James resisted the urge to slam his head through a window. Sirius knew James didn’t like long, excessive quiet. Sirius would have let him turn on the radio. But Sirius also knew about James' ‘incident’ and Regulus did not. So, James suffered through it. Let it eat him alive a bit.

As soon as they park in the little lot outside the block of flats James bolts out of the car, slams the door, and rushes into the building. For Remus’s sake they had managed to find a first floor flat, and James quickly makes his way in. The door is unlocked, and James finds Sirius and Remus in the living room.

The flat is small but homely. When you first enter there's a living room, complete with tv, Sirius’ record player, and Remus’s bookshelves. To the left is a little kitchen with plants that Regulus had insisted on needing since moving in. And down the hall there's a bathroom and two bedrooms, Sirius and Remus’s room and the guest room which was currently used by Regulus.

James kicks off his shoes and smiles as he sees Sirius and Remus on the couch together. Remus has an icepack on his knee and Sirius is fretting over him, barely looking up as James comes in.

“Prongs, I’m so sorry!” Sirius quickly gasps.

James smiles at that stupid nickname. Really, it’s his fault they have these nicknames. One time when they were still in school, he had this dream where they were all animals. Remus was a wolf, Sirius a dog, Peter a rat, and James was a deer. Sirius had insisted they all needed nicknames after that and so it had sort of stuck.

“Sorry James. I really am fine but well Sirius…” Remus gives a sheepish smile.

James laughs it off and goes to sit in the red armchair as Regulus enters the room. “It's really fine. Reggie and I got along great.”

“Don’t call me that.” Regulus glares.

Remus nervously glances at James, but Sirius doesn't notice, too busy fretting over Remus's knee and hip.

“Moony, are you sure you’re fine?” Sirius frowns.

“I’m fine, really.” Remus kisses his forehead and turns back to James. “How ya doing today?”

James holds back a grimace, “Oh… I'm good. Just a bit tired this morning is all.”

“You’re not feeling…” Sirius glances at Regulus who is in the connected kitchen, “Bad, today?"

“I’m really alright.” James flashes one of his smiles and it seems to put the other two at ease.

“So, I know we were supposed to go out for lunch but maybe we could stay in?” Sirius offers, “Seeing as though you're tired and Remus is-”

“I’m not that hurt,” Remus cuts in, “But for James, staying in could be nice.”

Now James really does understand where Sirius is coming from with his worry for Remus. Remus always has had a tendency to undermine his pain and play off big things as being little. Over the years it's caused Sirius to become increasingly worried about Remus over every little thing. But if you ask James, right now, Remus seems to be fine.

“Maybe Pete could come over?” James suggests

“Oh, that's brilliant! I’ll shoot him a text.” Sirius beams.

So, thirty minutes later James is sitting and laughing with his three best friends, Regulus having since disappeared into his bedroom.

“No really,” Peter is insisting, “I swear she was speaking riddles in her sleep!” Peter was talking about his girlfriend, Sybill, who really was lovely if not a bit odd.

“I don’t know, that sounds kind of insane, Wormy.” Sirius shakes his head.

“What kinds of riddles?” Remus urges Peter on which earns him a jokingly disapproving look from Sirius.

“Something about dark lords and a chosen one. It was insane, I'm telling you.” Peter flails his hands as he speaks, always expressive around them, “And when she woke up she said she didn’t have a clue what she was dreaming about!”

“Guess we’ll never know.” Sirius shakes his head in mock disappointment.

“Alright Prongs?” Peter looks to James, who has been oddly quiet.

“Yeah m’good. Tired.” It really is a lame excuse, and he knows it won’t work forever.

“Has Sybill had any other riddle dreams?” Remus, bless him, draws the attention away from James.

“Oh my god, loads!” Peter wails, “Once she mentioned me being a traitor and a few times I swear she's insulted my secret keeping skills!”

Sirius laughs loudly and slaps his knee, “Look, Petey my boy, we all love you but Jesus you can’t keep a secret!”

Peter scowls at this and James uses the argument to slip away to the bathroom. He heads down the hall and into the bathroom. He splashes some water on his face and roughly scrubs at his skin. He just needs to breathe, to be fine again. Everything will be fine if he could just lay down or something. He glares at himself in the mirror. Why couldn’t he just die? Why’d he have to fail? Probably because he fails everything, fails everyone. He frowns and sinks to the floor.

“Fuck…” He lets out a shaky breath.

After a few minutes he slowly stands up and exits the bathroom. He’s going to head back to the living room, but he hears music coming from Regulus’ room. James frowns. So, Regulus drives in silence but doesn’t sit in silence? James slowly sneaks up to the bedroom door trying to figure out what he’s listening to. His jaw drops upon realization.

And now, it don't mean a thing

God loves fuckin’ embarrassing

Regulus Black listens to Olivia Rodrigo?

Just watch as I crucify myself

For some weird second string

Loser who’s not worth mentioning

Now this, this is where mistakes happen. James slowly tries to lean against the door to listen, to just maybe get a glimpse into Regulus’ life. Instead, he ends up face planting into Regulus’ bedroom. A shirtless Regulus standing in front of him, in nothing but a binder and gym shorts.

My God, love’s embarrassing as hell

“What the fuck!” Regulus quickly reaches for a discarded shirt on his bed.

“Shit, fuck, sorry!” James quickly staggers to his feet, hands covering his eyes.

“What the hell are you doing?” Regulus pulls his shirt on, but James hands are still firmly planted over his eyes.

My God, how could I be so stupid?

“I just… I heard music and… well I was curious” James mumbles.

“Well get your curious ass out of my bedroom!” Regulus hisses.

James nods and stumbles backwards, eyes still covered like a total idiot. He knocks into the bed and a wall and what he thinks might be a dresser.

“And for fucks sake open your eyes!” Regulus shouts after him.

James opens his eyes with just enough time to jump back as Regulus slams the door shut. James stands there for a few seconds absolutely lost, and embarrassed, and feeling a bit more like keeling over dead. It's not like he didn't know Regulus was trans. Back in their school days Sirius always talked about having a little sister. Then four months ago when a boy showed up on Sirius' doorstep, they all welcomed him with open arms. No questions, no hate.

The feeling of wanting to die however, is only exacerbated when he turns around and sees all three boys standing at the end of the hall looking at him. And they all just stand there. James looking at them. Them looking at James.

“Jesus…” Peter’s the first to break the silence.

“Fuck.” Sirius next.

“Are you okay?” Remus asks.

“Er, yeah just sorta… stumbled in…” James forces himself to speak, feeling a lump form in his throat.

“Can’t believe you're alive, mate.” Sirius laughs, but it’s forced and awkward.

“Come sit down, James.” Remus offers a soft smile.

“I… I think maybe I should just head home?”

“No, Prongs, it's alright really.” Sirius is at his side instantly, wrapping an arm around him and guiding him to the living room. James reluctantly sits down in the armchair again and sighs.

“Wormy was just telling us about this idea he had for a prank against the girls.” Sirius smiles and James offers up a weak smile of his own.

“Well go on then Pete.” James turns to Peter, “Let us hear it.”

———

The rest of the hangout with the boys went fine. They ordered takeout for dinner and put on a movie that Sirius insisted was amazing but really it was downright awful. Regulus did not make any more appearances and later Sirius drove James home, letting James listen to music the whole way.

“Look, Prongs… if you need someone to talk to, ya know I’m always here, right?” Sirius asks, as he pulls up in front of the Potters cottage.

“I know.” James smiles.

“Really, James, I am here for you. I know things have been messy with me caring for Regulus and worrying for Remus but… you're still my best mate and I love you.”

James doesn’t respond. Instead, he throws himself across the small distance between them and hugs Sirius tightly.

“I don’t want to lose you.” Sirius softly murmurs into James's shoulder.

“I love you too.” Is all James can manage to say.

He slowly pulls away and meets Sirius’ eye before turning and getting out of the car. The front door is unlocked, and he slips inside. He leaves his shoes by the front door and heads for the stairs. He’s halfway to the stairs when he hears his parents' voices in the sitting room. He creeps up to the slightly opened door and listens in.

“I know but I’m so worried about him.” His mothers voice. She sounds scared.

“Effie, love, I know and so am I, but we can’t force him to do anything.” His father.

“He’s been distant again lately, like how he started before.” And oh, his mother is crying, soft sniffles. James' heart clenches but he makes it stop.

“I know, dove, I’m sorry.” His father gently consoles her.

James gently knocks on the door before pushing it the rest of the way open, “Mum? Dad?”

They're sitting on the couch in front of the fireplace, holding each other.

James loves this room. It's where some of his happiest memories are. Game night huddled around the coffee table, talking smack and losing. Christmas trees and presents with smiles and hot cocoa. But lately it's been some of his worst. Interventions about his failings. Tears before being sent away to that clinic. And now this.

“Oh Jamie, sweet boy.” His mum quickly wipes at her face before coming to hug him. It still surprises James that he’s taller than her now, maybe it always will.

“Are you okay?” He hugs her back, hunching over to nuzzle against her shoulder, like he's still a small boy.

“Oh, I’m alright.” She sighs and kisses his head.

James slowly pulls away to look at her. Her eyes are still that soft brown and her skin is still a golden tan but her hair; her hair, though still mostly that dark rich brown, now has soft streaks of grey in it. James kisses her hair line where the grey is most prominent.

“I love you, mum.”

“I love you.” James swears she chokes back a sob, but he ignores it, turning to his father.

His dad looks tired and worried, kind eyes full of concern. His brown hair is so full of grey that the brown is more like streaks now. His polo looks rumbled, like it's been tossed around all day, so far from his dads usual clean, put together look. And James knows it’s his fault. It must be, really. His dad and mum, so worried about him, they've started to look older and exhausted.

"How's Sirius?" His father asks.

"He's good." James nods, "Worries too much about Remus, but good."

"Do tell them to come by for dinner soon. Peter too. We miss those boys." His mother kisses his cheek, "Would you like some tea, dear?"

"No thanks, mum" James smiles for her, "I'm pretty tired."

"Alright then off to bed with you." She smiles but he can see the worry in her eyes, in the way her brows furrow ever so slightly.

"We love you, son." His father is even worse at hiding his fears, smile wavering instantly.

"I love you both too." James gives a reassuring smile, "Good night."

He quickly makes his way upstairs to his room and closes the door. James' room is filled with him. From the rugby posters to the piles of laundry everywhere. The dresser covered in random gifts from Sirius to the bookshelf with only a few books but loads of trophies. It's all him. He flops down onto the bed, his deer plushie from Peter getting tossed over the side of the bed.

"Sorry mini me" He reaches down to grab the little deer, "Bet life's way better as you."

He sighs and lays down on his back, plushie clutched to his chest. He closes his eyes and grounds his teeth together. Just take deep breaths; he tries to remind himself. His mind is scrambled, and he just wants it to be quiet. Stop thinking about the 'incident'. Stop thinking about work tomorrow. Stop thinking about trying to get into college. Stop thinking about the run in with Regulus. He groans in despair at thinking of Regulus. It's not like he wants Regulus to be his best friend or anything, but fuck has he ruined his chances of at least getting along with the younger boy. Maybe he should try and make it up to him. Do something nice for him.

James lights up at that and sits up. Oh, he's a genius! What would make Regulus like him? Maybe a nice gift or a fun day out or... what does Regulus even like?

James frowns. He doesn't really know anything about Regulus. So, he'll have to learn about Regulus. Spend time with him. Ask Sirius about him. And for the first time in a long time, James is looking forward to something.

Notes:

Yay! One chapter done!
I'm hoping to have a chapter a week so expect the next one by next Friday at the latest. I got this done way faster than I thought I would but I'm very happy with it. I'm not sure how many chapters this will be and honestly I have no clue where I'm taking this plot. SO buckle up and enjoy the ride <3

Also if you notice spelling errors pls tell me :,)

Chapter 2

Notes:

New chapter, new pov <3

Trigger warnings:
reference to past suicide attempt
eating disorder
thoughts of suicide
aggressive/angry outbursts

Please don't read if any of this is triggering, remember your mental health matters

Regulus

Fuck James Potter. How dare he just show up with his stupid smile and stupid hair and stupid glasses. It's not fair to those of us who don't shine like the fucking sun. Who don't laugh without a care in the world. Who don't smile like we love living.

This is how Regulus Black feels as he sits alone in a small cafe waiting for Evan to show up and sipping his tea.

Every week Evan and Regulus meet up for a nice cafe lunch and every week Evan is late. Which really isn't Evans fault; it's usually Barty's fault. Barty has a tendency to distract Evan and Evan has a tendency to be distracted by Barty. So stupidly and hopelessly in love with each other and yet such idiots most people don't know. They've lived together for two years and been dating for one. Took them years to work out the jumble of feelings that is their relationship. Regulus maintains it's all thanks to him they ever figured it out.

Just then there's a ding from the entrance and Evan enters. Blonde hair ruffled and his numerous facial piercings shining. He smiles and walks over, taking a seat across from Regulus.

"You're late" he drawls, taking a sip of his tea.

"Barty was... well Barty" Evan smiles fondly. "Should I go order?"

"Already ordered for you." Regulus smiles, "Barista said they'd bring it over when you got here."

Just then the barista brings over Evans matcha latte. His twin, Pandora, got him hooked on them a few years back and he's been practically addicted since.

"So, how's being a stay-at-home boyfriend treating you?" Regulus smirks. Evan basically is a stay-at-home boyfriend. Barty's dad forced him into a fancy office job and Evan works three days a week at some small convenience store.

"Oh, as lonely and dull as ever." Evan dramatically plays into it.

"Sounds dreadful." Regulus rolls his eyes.

"How's looking into classes going?"

"Good. The University of London has a good music program. I'm hoping to get in there."

"You'll absolutely get in, you brilliant git" Barty laughs, "Isn't that where your brother's boyfriend goes? Lupin or whatever?" Barty takes a sip of his latte and hums.

"Remus Lupin, yes. He goes for English." Regulus pauses to sip his tea, "Speaking of school, have you considered going? Or at least finding a better job?"

"Why would I do that?" Evan looks genuinely confused.

"Well Barty hates his job, and it would be good for you to try and help support the two of you."

"Yeah but... I'm happy like this..." Evan looks ashamed.

"But is Barty?" Regulus gives Evan a pointed look.

Evan let's out a loud sigh, "Fuck you're so right. I'll talk to Barty about it tonight."

Regulus let's out a satisfied hum and smiles as he sips his tea.

"Now it's your turn, lover boy, what's the deal with James Potter and this mysterious run in you won't tell me about?" Evan gives a devilish grin, looking to much like Barty as he does. They really are rubbing off on each other too much for Regs liking.

Regulus groans, "He saw me shirtless."

Evans jaw is on the floor in instantly, "Like shirtless shirtless!?"

"Jesus be quit Evan." Regulus hisses, "And no, my binder was still on but... that's shirtless for me." Regulus feels too vulnerable right now.

"Shit... uhm... at least he already knew?" Evan lamely offers comfort.

"He tripped into my fucking room and saw my be in nothing but a binder and shorts." Regulus glares.

"Yeah, okay, not great. I'm sorry."

"And he heard me listening to my guilty pleasure music." Regulus looks down at his tea.

Evan gasps loudly, "You don't mean...?

"Mhm," Regulus nods.

"Olivia Rodrigo?" Evans eyes are wide.

Reg just nods.

"Well, what did he say?"

"Nothing... because I screamed at him to get out and haven't seen him since."

"Oh Jesus, Reg!"

"Be quit!" Regulus hisses, "I know it's not my proudest moment, okay? I panicked."

"Well, what are you gonna do about it?"

"Absolutely nothing." Regulus stubbornly sips his tea.

"He'll think you hate him."

"That's for the best."

"Reg... you've liked James for ages. Since-"

"I know," He cuts Evan off.

Regulus has liked James for a very long time. When Sirius was eleven their parents shipped him off to some prestigious boarding school. There Sirius met James. He came home that Christmas and told Regulus all about him. About the boy with wild hair and round glasses. A boy with his heart on his sleeve and enough love for all. Regulus listened with awe, already loving James Potter. Then when he had gone with to the train to see Sirius off, he saw him. He saw James Fleamont Potter and his poor little heart did something funny in his chest. He was only ten though, how could he have known what it meant? Even then Regulus knew he was to messed up for anyone like James to look at him, to want him.

Their parents never sent regulus to that school though. They decided it would be best for him to be homeschooled, become a 'proper lady.' Even Evan, Pandora, and Barty had gotten to attend that school. Their parents had all been business partners of Regulus's parents and hence all their children went to the same school. All except one, and so Regulus had no one during those bleak school months.

Then when Sirius ran off and left Regulus behind, he hated James. He hates James for taking away his brother and the only person he had in that house. Only as much as he tells himself this, he can't hate that boy who looks like the sun fell to earth.

"Talk to him." Evan breaks Regulus from his thoughts.

"About what?" He rolls his eyes.

"Anything! Regulus you really like him. Make a move. Try something, please." Evan looks exasperated.

Regulus bites his lip, a nervous habit, "Fine, I'll... try."

"Thank fuck." Evan sighs.

"Prick," Reg laughs.

———

James

James makes it to the restaurant just in time, having missed his subway and needing to take a taxi. Lily is standing outside waiting and waves to him.

"Lils, I've missed you!" He hugs her tightly.

"It's only been a week." She laughs as James spins her around.

"Hardly the point!" James dramatically gasps.

"Come on, James." She rolls her eyes, "I'm starving."

They head in and are seated at a little booth. The waitress takes their drink orders before disappearing.

Every week they meet at a different restaurant. You see Lily is attending Uni for culinary arts and loves trying new food to get ideas for her future dream restaurant. But Lily hates going to restaurants alone; She says it makes her look lonely. So, every week James goes with her. This week they're at some little Italian place and Lily is raving about Gnocchi, which sounds delicious if you ask James.

"So, you're obviously getting the Gnocchi. What do you want me to get?" James always let's Lily pick what he eats because she always try's a bite, that way she can try more foods quicker. And she really does know James well, so she always orders something he likes.

"Hmmm," She meticulously scans the menu, "Maybe something with meat, like the Osso Buco."

"What's that?" James blinks.

"Just trust me, you'll like it." Lily reassures.

James does like it and eats all of it rather quickly. Lily isn't even half done with her food by the time James is done.

"Jesus, James! Doesn't your mother feed you? Scratch that, I know she does." 

In truth, James hasn't been eating much lately. He knows he should eat more but well, it just feels like a waist for him to eat if he doesn't want to be around for long.

"I forgot to eat breakfast." James laughs.

"Just don't make that a habit." She frowns.

Even though they never told Lily about the 'incident', James has a suspicion she's worked it out herself. She's too smart to not have.

"I won't, don't worry." He gives her his best reassuring smile.

"Good, because breakfast is the most important meal of the day. And there really is so many amazing things to eat for breakfast."

Lily begins rambling about different breakfast dishes and James listens with interest. He didn't even realize he could have this many options. He normally just eats fruit loops.

Lily's talking about how much she likes charcuterie boards for breakfast, something Pandora started in their home, when her eyes go wide.

"Shit! I'm gonna be late!" She scrambles up.

"Late to what?" James is utterly lost.

"Soup kitchen, volunteer shift, with Mary." Lily is scrambling for her wallet, "How much is my half?"

Lily and Mary are always volunteering at different places. Neither of them came for the wealthiest of families and they're always giving back in any way they can.

"Just go Lils, I always pay anyways." James smiles.

"Oh, I love you so much." She stands and quickly hugs him, "And James, you know you can always come to me if you need anything, right?"

"I know, Lils, and I love you too." He meets her gaze for a moment, trying to figure out what she knows.

Then she's kissing his forehead and stepping back, "Next week is Tai." She reminds as she dashes out the door.

He sits there, waiting for the waitress to come back with the check. 

"Aw, did your girlfriend leave?" The waitress gives him a pitying smile

"Oh no, she's not... she's just a friend." He feels himself grow a bright shade of red.

"Oh, you poor boy." She hands him the check.

"I'm not poor!" He snaps loudly, fist slamming down on the table.

The waitress staggers back, eyes wide.

"Fuck, I'm sorry. I..." He quickly stands and she flinches back.

"I'm so sorry" He steps back, "Fuck I... just... just keep the change." He slams a fifty down on the table, grabs his jacket, and bolts.

He dashes out into the street and just runs. He makes it three blocks before he has to stop at a cross walk. He's panting, not from exhaustion but from fear. He hasn't had an outburst like that in months. He'd gotten so good at keeping his temper in check.

But Lily, she always was a sensitive subject. They'd dated back in sixth form after years of James asking her out. They dated for two years before breaking up in their second year of Uni. Lily realized she wasn't happy in their relationship and James only wanted her to be happy.

Eventually she got with Pandora and not long after that the 'incident' happened. He didn't want Lily to blame herself, so he'd written her a note before the attempt. It obviously never reached her because he's alive and she didn't need to know.

The walk signal comes on and James continues on, walking instead of running this time. He isn't sure where to go. He doesn't want to go home. Seeing Sirius would be nice. He's at the record store today.

Sirius used his inheritance to open a small record store that he runs with Remus, though Sirius mostly runs it; Remus always busy with class or medical appointments. Sirius absolutely adores the place and he's always there.

So, James finds the next subway entrance and heads down. He finds a mostly empty car and sits. It's only about five minutes to Soho where the small shop is.

When he reaches Soho, the streets are crowded and bustling with tourists. It's loud and there's so many people; James feels a bit like curling into a ball and dying. Maybe this was a bad idea. Maybe he should just turn around and go home.

But then the store sign comes into view, 'Black Star Records', and James lets out a breath he didn't know he'd been holding in. He pushes into the store. It's mostly empty, just a few of the regulars poking through records. Sirius is chatting with an old man at the register and doesn't see James as he comes in. James stays by the door, not wanting to be a bother. When the old man finally leaves Sirius notices him.

"Prongs! What are you doing here?" He dashes over and tackles James with a hug.

"I just wanted to visit." James hugs the shorter boy back.

"Well come in then. Don't be a stranger." Sirius pulls back and ruffles James's hair, not like it needed any more messing up.

"Slow day." James observes aloud.

"It was a bit busy earlier." Sirius heads back to the register and James follows, "That old man is sweet but Jesus he never stops talking." Sirius flops dramatically over the counter.

"He seemed sweet." James shrugs.

"He is but sometimes I'm busy and he's in here like every day." Sirius huffs.

"It's really nothing to complain about!" James snaps, startling himself.

"James... are you okay?" Sirius slowly straightens up. His eyes are wide and full of worry.

"I'm fine." James levels himself back out, "When do you close up?"

Sirius gives him one more worried look before allowing the subject change, "Whenever Reg gets here. He's out to lunch with Evan so he has the car."

James instantly perks up at this, "Regulus is gonna be here?"

"Uhm Yeah?" Sirius looks so confused right now but James doesn't notice.

"Perfect! I've been meaning to talk to him."

"About what?" Now Sirius looks flabbergasted, and James does notice that.

"Well, he and I haven't really gotten off on the right foot, so I was thinking of maybe doing something for him."

"Like what?" Sirius looks less confused now.

"Like maybe a gift or a fun day out or I don't know... just something to make him like me." James feels pathetic as he says it, probably looks pathetic too, if Sirius's reaction is anything to go off of.

"Look, Prongs, that sounds really nice and all, but Reggie can be hard to get along with so just don't get your hopes up, please." Sirius looks so pitying, James wants to be sick.

"I don't even know how to become his friend. I don't know what he likes." James's brow furrows and he frowns.

"Oh well I can help with that, mate." Sirius gives that Sirius Black smile, "Reggie is easy to do stuff for, just... difficult to understand."

James frowns even more, "How so?"

"Well, you can know what he likes, and doesn't like, and what his hobbies are. But his feelings are kind of a mystery to basically everyone. If he doesn't want you knowing what he's feeling, you won't"

"Oh." James is utterly disheartened

"But hey, if anyone can get him to open up it's the James Potter. You're like sunshine and love in human form" Sirius encourages.

"Thanks, Pads." James smiles.

"And if he really gives you grief, just let me know. He can be sweet. He just prefers to be a little shit."

"I'm sure it'll be fine." James shrugs it off.

"That's the spirit!"

Just then Sirius's little silver car pulls up outside the shop.

"Speak of the devil." Sirius beams before turning to the few remaining customers, "Closing in five!" He shouts.

Notes:

Very Important Disclaimer!!! In light of recent events, I'd like it to be known I do NOT support JK Rowling and DO support trans people and their rights. I am a trans man, and this fandom has become horribly toxic recently. JK Rowling isn't a good person and it's becoming more and more difficult to separate this fandom from her. I do love the marauders, but I feel like I almost have to tread lightly in this fandom. However, I won't be leaving his fandom because I feel that would be a win for JK Rowling. This is a safe space, and I won't let her take that away from me. Trans rights are human rights. Trans people have always existed, and we will continue to. If you don't like what I'm saying or writing just don't read this. Thanks.

That being said, look at this plot form! Can you see it? Can you see the vision? I sure can <3

Also, Also, this chapter is dedicated to everyone who helped pick the record store name