Chapter 1
Summary:
Lucifer has a guardian angel.
Just not a very good one...
Notes:
Based on two prompts from the MDAS Lucifer Rewatch and Reimagine challenge:
Write a short story about minor character(s) (Like Patrick, Man-Bun, Justin from Sherman Oaks, etc.)
Write about the episode from a different POV (Such as diaries, news articles, narration, etc.)
Chapter Text
January 25, 2016
I finally got close enough to speak to Lucifer tonight and it works! I was at the bar, chatting with the bartender Patrick (a really nice human actually) when Lucifer came up to the bar to take a drink Patrick had ready before he even got there. I just said hi, and Lucifer just gave me this polite nod like he would anyone else, any human. He didn’t recognize me, even up close!
I’ve been a little worried that with him being the devil, or heck just being Lucifer, that he’d sense my hidden celestialness somehow. On top of that, it’s pretty hard to mask being Heaven’s handsomest angel even when I’m just passing for a human. But Lucifer was fooled by my glamor just like everyone else. (Everyone but Rae Rae that is. No one can fool her about anything.)
And I’m SO glad I tested that all out tonight because a lot happened and poor Lucifer had a really rough night.
Amenadiel showed up (like I knew he would) and he’s being an A-hole like always, telling Lucifer Dad wants him back in Hell. That’s such a lie. Dad hasn’t been around at all, and even when he has been, everyone knows he only talks to Michael these days. Amenadiel even gave Lucifer some B.S. about where all demons and souls go when Lucifer isn’t down there. What, does he think they all head up to Vegas when no one is watching? They don’t go anywhere! They’re in Hell!
And the worst part is Menny made that deal with Lucifer to leave him alone 5 years ago so why break the deal now? Jerk. I’m totally going to try to screw up his plans, if he has any beyond just beating Lucifer up like usual.
(Menny walked right past me and didn’t have a clue, but he’s always been easy to fool. The only hard part was remembering to slow down along with all the humans when Menny slowed time!)
The sad thing tonight was that a human Lucifer really likes got killed and if that’s not bad enough, the human police didn’t seem to care all that much. I’m sure Lucifer will find and punish whoever did it himself but I could tell he was upset about the whole thing.
One really big thing happened tonight, though: the Miracle showed up! I knew she ended up a cop (Uri’s not the only one keeping an eye on her!), and I’m betting her being there tonight was one of those coincidences that wasn’t really a coincidence at all but one of Pop's setups.
She seems like a good person. I really hope she’s going to be good for Lucifer. I don’t t [here something has been scratched out so vigorously there is a hole in the page]
I’m sure Pop has a great plan as always.
January 26, 2016
So all that time I spent learning Lucifer’s schedule and habits was apparently wasted, because he’s going all over the place trying to track down Delilah’s killer. Keeping up with him is going to be harder than I thought!
At least I overheard him when he called someone to find out where Jimmy Barnes’ wedding was happening, so I flew ahead and slipped into the crowd of guests. It seemed like hardly anyone there knew each other or even the bride or groom, so I didn’t have to fake much. At least Lucifer saved that poor woman from a marriage she clearly didn’t want.
I got to 2Vile’s place first too, but couldn’t really sneak in so had to hover and watch from above… and saw Lucifer nearly pitch a human right over a railing! He wouldn’t have really dropped the guy, of course. None of us are allowed to kill humans but Lucifer wouldn’t even if we could. He likes them too much.
The Miracle showed up again and I don’t know what happened inside but she led Lucifer out in handcuffs (which I’m sure he totally loved even if he did take them off). But then I had to just follow in the air and hover and wait while they went into a school, then some office and then off to a movie set. I got a little closer when they stopped at the movie set, blending in with humans who were gawking at the actors, so I could hear them talking to some actor about a watch, but then they went into Lux before it opened for the evening so I had to wait outside again.
I was there for the most exciting part at least. The next place they went was on a busy enough street that I got to land and hang out near the entrance of the building. I was thinking about going inside when several people came running out yelling stuff like “he’s got a gun.” So of course I went in then, and sure enough heard gunshots and then another freaking-out human went running by.
When I got to where the shots had come from, the Miracle was lying on the floor– I was worried she was dead but turns out she’s okay. And that Jimmy Barnes guy was laying there shooting Lucifer. With bullets. I almost laughed, what kind of idiot shoots the Devil? But Lucifer was really mad because of the Miracle getting hurt and probably also his suit getting ruined. It was a really nice one.
So Lucifer showed the human his burned face, which I’ve never seen and still really haven’t, just got kind of a glimpse of red. Which is just as well, it makes me sad to think of Lucifer’s face like that, but at least he can glamor over it. The human screamed like crazy then, he’s probably broken for good. That’s when I took off, because there were sirens and no sign of Amenadiel anyway, who I’m way more worried about than some human with a gun.
And I’m right to worry. Menny did show up at Lux later while I was out in the crowd waiting for Lucifer to get back, so I did the pretend slow-motion thing and listened to them get into it. Lucifer told Menny he was looking forward to eating his heart someday, which was such a good putdown.
January 27
P.S. Lucifer went back to one of those places he went yesterday with the Miracle, so I went back later and figured out it’s a therapist’s office. Her name is Linda Martin. Don’t know if he went back for sex, or therapy, or both. Guess we’ll see.
Chapter Text
So I’m getting pretty good at all this social media stuff, and I found pictures of places Lucifer went, with me RIGHT THERE and he doesn’t know! I’m going to put some pictures in this diary too. I bet it will be great to go back and laugh at all this someday.
February 1
Lucifer really cracks me up sometimes. Today he was strolling through a crazy scene where humans do all kinds of tricks and performances to try to get other humans to give them money, which is pretty fun to watch itself. But there was one guy passing as a preacher and yelling stuff like “the devil walks among us!” and no way was Lucifer going to just walk past that! The human asked if Lucifer had seen the face of the Devil and Lucifer said, “Oh, every morning in the mirror, pal.” HA! He just tells them the truth all the time and they never believe him.
But then the guy got Lucifer mad and he Devil-faced him, which is two humans in less than a week that he’s tipped right off the deep end. The first guy totally had it coming. Maybe this one did too, but I think Lucifer’s a little tense with Menny harassing him and still sad about his friend dying. Me, I almost think fake preachers are better than the “real ones” who say they know the Word of Dad and then get it wrong just about every time!
But Lucifer’s going to therapy, so good for him! And he’s definitely having sex with his therapist, so they’re probably both pretty happy about the whole thing.
February 2
Okay so I have to catch up on everything else that happened yesterday because I haven’t had a chance yet. Lots happened.
I went to Lux to wait for Lucifer and chatted some more with Patrick, and almost really screwed up because he asked me my name and I started to say my actual name. Duh! I caught myself in time to turn it into Hans, so that’s my name now I guess.
The funny thing that happened was the Miracle came in and was trying to watch Lucifer on the sly, and she was SO obvious. I’m sure she’s smart and strong or whatever Pop meant for her to be, but I think sneaky wasn’t on His checklist. I could tell Lucifer saw her as soon as he came down and started making his rounds, but pretended he didn’t. Then he came and stood right next to me at the bar, and told Maze to make the Miracle something she’d like, on the house. Maze looked annoyed but when doesn’t she?
But here is the crazy part. The Miracle (I should stop calling her that, Lucifer calls her the Detective but her human name is Chloe Decker) went over to Lucifer at the piano and I could hear their whole conversation. Chloe is trying to figure out why Lucifer didn’t get hurt when he got shot (his suit died a horrible death though!) and of course she doesn’t believe him when he tells her the true reason. But get this… she doesn’t want to have sex with Lucifer EVEN THOUGH HE WANTS HER TO!
It’s got to be due to her being a Miracle, right? Sure, there are some humans who don’t want Lucifer at first sight, but if he’s really interested in them they always crumble. But not this one.
I was hoping they’d talk about it some more but then Chloe got a phone call and took off, and Lucifer followed right after…so I did too. They went to a car accident with a dead human, and a bunch of other humans around looking and taking pictures. LA is chock full of people who just gather and stare at stuff. Weird, but I’m not complaining since it gives me plenty of crowds to blend in with.
People seemed pretty sad about the dead guy, and there was another human there that was supposed to be the one who killed him. Lucifer called him ‘dung beetle’ haha. And Lucifer started pulling on his desires (so cool as always) and it sounded like he was confessing but then he kind of… didn’t?
Chloe ended up in some argument with another cop while Lucifer poked around the crime scene. He checked out a car and made the happiest little sound and dove in. I couldn’t tell what he was doing– or even hear much because there was this human with a camera taking all these pictures. He gave me a super weird vibe.
[‘weird’ is circled and a note written in the margin: I was totally prescient!]
Turns out Lucifer found weed, which is this plant humans smoke and I guess it works on angels too because Lucifer loves the stuff. I have to try it sometime. He started smoking it and that was a whole thing because it was the suspect’s car… so the suspect’s weed! Chloe yelled at Lucifer about it and I can’t believe she didn’t appreciate his great joke about the evidence going up in smoke– ha! Human languages are so much better for jokes than Enochian. Though Jophiel has that great riff on caserm amipzi naz arth af though I bet it came from Lucifer originally because who else would come up with that “pillars of gladness” thing? Totally a D-you-know-what joke, right?
So off they went, which meant I got to get away from creepy camera guy, WHEW.
[ another margin note with an arrow pointing to ‘guy’: (SPOILER: not for long!)]
Lucifer headed back to Lux, then almost immediately went upstairs with a human couple. I went to the bar, and I was disappointed at first that Maze was there instead of Patrick. But she made this happy growl and then turned to see me standing there. She looked me over in that unnerving demon way like she wanted to eat me, but she just said, “Customer, Patrick,” and up he popped from behind the bar, grinning and wiping his mouth. So let’s just say the demon was not the one doing the eating!
[ final word appears to have erased and then rewritten ]
Patrick was totally not embarrassed, which since he works for Lucifer is a good thing. He remembered my name (at least the piece of it I’m using) and we hung out and talked for hours. I mean, not non-stop, he was working and a couple people asked me to dance (which is a pretty fun way to pass the time), but in between we talked a bunch. He’s a really nice human, and told me working at Lux is a great gig but admitted he’s kind of terrified of Maze even though he likes her too.
Stayed until closing but Lucifer didn’t come back down. So I’ll just go back first thing. Patrick asked if I needed a ride home but told him I didn’t have far to go. I waited until he was out of sight before flying back to my hotel. I should find something a little closer and nicer, but I didn’t know my way around yet before I got this place in Tarzana.
Glad I don’t need much sleep since I’ll be heading back to Lux before long!
February 3
Ok WOW big day!
I went back to Lux probably earlier than I had to because it was all quiet. I was hanging around where I could see the garage exit in case Lucifer drove anywhere, drinking a caramel macchiato and just relaxing really. So relaxed everything seemed to slow down…Duh! I figured it out when all the cars on the street stopped. You guessed it– Amenadiel showed up. He flew right overhead and landed on Lucifer’s balcony. I didn’t dare fly up to eavesdrop, but listened as much as I could from the street. They both sounded mad but couldn’t really catch anything. Then Amenadiel flew away– at least it didn’t turn into a brawl– and time started up again.
And for some weird reason, Lucifer came out and threw an apple off his balcony.
Most of the day was a bust for following Lucifer, just more hover-and-wait, hover-and-wait, while he went places I couldn’t follow. Until finally he headed out with Chloe and they went straight to a crowded scene so I could actually get close– but I realized I was standing right next to the creepy camera guy from the crime scene!! I almost unfurled I wanted to get away from him so bad. But then he ran– almost knocked me over! and Chloe tried to chase him but no joy. Lucifer got all the less-creepy camera guys fighting each other (he called one of them Friar Tuck…perfect!) and he was grinning like a maniac at his kerfuffle. (all those cameras... I'll have to look for any photos posted with me and Lucifer in them!)
But here’s where it all gets crazy. Creepy Camera Guy is the one they were looking for all along! Who knows how they figured it out. Lucifer and Maze concocted some kind of Hellish judgement/punishment and took both the humans (CCG and the Dung Beetle) back to the place where the car crash happened, and gave them guns!
I was watching from a rooftop, and I admit I was a little freaked out that they were giving humans ways to kill each other. That wouldn’t technically be killing humans, and I know Lucifer is like the master of loopholes, but it was skirting pretty close to breaking that Rule.
Turns out CCG’s gun wasn’t loaded, which is good because that Hell-bound soul immediately tried to kill the other one. Dung Beetle wasn’t all in on the murder idea but he was thinking about it, but Chloe showed up to try to stop the whole scene.
Then Lucifer put his hands together to pray and I had no idea who he was praying to until TIME SLOWED! Lucifer called Amenadiel!! And there I am ON A ROOF with my WINGS OUT. Good thing Amenadiel doesn’t pay a lot of attention to more than one thing at a time (I heard he flew right into a bridge once, ha ha!) so he just zipped right to Lucifer and never noticed me.
But the thing that was brilliant classic Luce was he called Amenadiel just for his time power, so he could grab the bullet that DB eventually shot at CCG. Amenadiel flapped off in a bitchy huff (still didn’t see me!) and both humans lived and will get human justice for now.
So all’s well that ends well, right?
It’s late, but I think I’ll head to Lux and see if Patrick’s working tonight.
Chapter Text
Feb 4
Found out why Partick wasn’t on last night… poor guy fell on his way in yesterday and totally banged up his elbow. He showed me the bruise– it was pretty bad, and scraped up too. He said he slipped on an apple! He laughed and said he hoped Lucifer hadn’t thrown it, which was so weird because he did and I definitely hadn’t said anything about it! Why would Patrick even think of that?
I feel bad I didn’t clean up the apple (it was practically applesauce once it landed anyway) but I got Patrick some ice for his elbow when it got sore shaking drinks.
February 6-8
I went to a huge LA party with Lucifer!
Okay, not with, but I crashed a party he was invited to and it was so much fun– until it wasn’t. I’ll get to that.
The fun stuff: a pool, and food and drink, and a crowd of people wanting to enjoy themselves. I guess like Lux except for the pool, and of course everything at the party was free and humans were getting much drunker than they do at Lux. They get kicked out of Lux if they get too drunk.
Lucifer was doing his thing, flirting and having a good time, talking to the guy hosting the party. Some kind of sportball player. I didn’t really pay attention.
I was having fun too, and drinking a lot more than usual and I finally felt that thing called ‘tipsy’ I think, because I felt a little off balance and weird. Not sure I like it, but it was only the first time. I think being tipsied was why I did something I really shouldn’t have done, and I wasn’t even going to write it in here, but of course I'm sure Pop already knows because omniscience, so if I’m in trouble, I’ll find out about it, right?
So what happened was there was this human that Lucifer had been playing with earlier, getting her to do a big jump into the pool from the roof. They ran into each other again and I heard them talking and she was crazy! She told Lucifer he wasn’t Lucifer (I don’t mean not believing he’s the Devil, not even believing he’s the owner of Lux!) and that he was gross for pretending to be, and that his accent is fake! (I mean, technically it is since his first language is Enochian but it’s also perfect so there’s no real way she’d know.)
So I was really mad and tipsy so I followed her. I honest to Dad didn’t know what I was going to say to her, maybe just correct her misconceptions, but then she turned and asked if I was following her. And I said yes (probably should have said no, but, you know, tipsy). So she said something like “well come on handsome.” Later I thought I should have said, “Oh how did you know it was me?” but I can’t think of good lines on the fly like Lucifer can so at the time I just followed her.
She took me to a bedroom and it was pretty obvious she wanted to have sex, but Heaven’s Handsomest angel doesn’t do that with just any human! (Well I literally haven’t done it with any human yet and still not 100% sure how it all works but hopefully I can try it soon.)
Anyway I was still mad so that’s when I told she was wrong about Lucifer, that he is THE Lucifer Morningstar and anyone else who says they're him is a liar. (The only person who can really impersonate Lucifer Is Michael, and he’s definitely a liar.)
And then I said he’s not only THE Lucifer Morningstar but he’s actually THE Devil. And she laughed and said she didn’t believe in any of that “devil and angel crap!”
So I [ scribbled out ] unfurled. [ this word has been erased and rewritten repeatedly but in the end written legibly ]
I know it’s not allowed and I’m sorry Dad, but that was pretty much blasphemy, and I was mad and tipsy, so I did it.
And WOW did it work. She fell right over and good thing the party was noisy because she screamed a tiny bit. And she said “Oh God they’re beautiful,” (credit where credit is due, Pop!) and I don’t even think she could really see the prettiest red coverts from where she was on the floor. But I realized right away what I had done and furled them and said something like “angels are real!” and ran out of there before I melted her brain. I'm embarrassed I did that now, but what's done is done.
I was kind of hoping Lucifer would be heading out as the party wound down, but I saw him go into another bedroom (there are a lot of bedrooms in this place!) with three women so I figured we were staying awhile.
There were a few people passed out on couches so I just did that too so I could wait for Lucifer to be done.
And then I woke up on the couch, because it turns out we spent the night. So all that was the day before yesterday (didn’t have this diary with me to write it then) so now I’m catching up on yesterday!
So first thing, the sportsball guy woke Lucifer up to tell him there was a dead woman in the pool and it got weirder. Chloe showed up, and then a lot more police, and all of us in the house had to gather outside to give statements. And that was really annoying because of course Lucifer wouldn’t stay out there (I can’t blame him, humans were throwing up and other gross stuff). But I had to, and that’s when the devil-angel-crap lady found me.
And she would not leave me alone. And I guess I had it coming (maybe that was my punishment from Pop?) but UGH. She was hanging off of me, and pulling at my clothes and saying “show me, show me again,” and obviously no one else knew she meant my wings and people were finding it pretty funny. I was relieved when I had to go give my ‘statement’ and could escape.
My statement: “I was asleep on the couch. Didn’t see or hear anything.” I bet they got that one a lot. Just change out ‘couch’ for ‘bed’ or ‘floor’ or Dad knows where else everyone was sleeping.
I had to leave after that, since after the police say you can go it’s weird to keep hanging around, and I wanted to go before that woman came after me to show her my wings again. I hope that wears off, I’ll feel bad if I broke her permanently but it was such a short exposure I’m sure she’ll be fine.
Since Lucifer was still there at the crime scene, I zipped back to my hotel to change out of yesterday’s clothes and almost couldn’t get into my room. Apparently the big suite on the same floor as mine got completely wrecked last night. I could smell alcohol and something burnt and I don’t even know what else when I squeezed past the cleaning crew. They were dragging out broken furniture too, and everything was covered with what I swear were little gnawed-on bones of bird wings.
I heard one of the workmen call it a “honeymoon” suite. Honeymoons are what humans do after they get married but I guess that can be wilder than I thought?
All the more reason I’ve got to move to some place closer to Lux.
I also realized that sometime in the last few days I lost the credit card I borrowed from Lucifer’s penthouse, but I still have all the cash. Guess I’ll have to go borrowing again. Lucky he leaves everything unlocked and just leaves cash and cards tucked into drawers, I don’t think he’ll ever notice I borrowed anything. I bet he’ll laugh about it when I pay him back.
I didn’t catch up with Lucifer most of the rest of the day, until I was hanging out in Lux and he came down. There was something going on because the cop that I now know is Chloe’s ex-husband [ margin note: did they wreck stuff on their honeymoon?] was sitting all sprawled out in a booth watching the room. Lucifer calls him Douche but I don’t think that’s his actual name.
A woman came in and Lucifer went to talk to her, and she had her hands all over him and it turns out she was there about the person who’s impersonating Lucifer (so it wasn’t just that lady at the party, it’s something really going on!) and she said she’d fix it. I like her. Lucifer called her “Ronnie Hillman, problem solver extraordinaire," so I think he likes her too.
I decided to follow her (Lucifer was talking to Chloe and Douche, and there was a growing crowd so Patrick was super busy- at least his elbow is better now).
At first she just made a bunch of calls on her cell phone, but then she got in her car and I followed overhead. She drove out to a place pretty close to my hotel and parked behind some big store that was closed for the night, so it was a pretty dark and empty spot. I waited on the roof, and it was a long wait, hours, but she stayed, doing texts and phone calls, so I did too. We stayed so long it went past Lux closing time (so I'm caught up to today) so I’ll have to see Patrick another time I guess.
Finally a van drove up and two guys got out, and they pulled a guy from the back who had a hood over his head and his hands tied, and they put him in the trunk of Ronnie’s car, and she drove straight back to Lux.
I really wish I could have seen what they did to him in there, but no way to hide when the place is empty so I just waited outside on a roof. It wasn't all that long before the imposter came running out, no hood but his hands still tied and he just ran ! Whatever they did to him, he was scared all right. That’s what happens when you mess with the Morningstar!
No blood though, all his limbs attached. Maybe Maze wasn’t there, or Lucifer didn’t want to mess up his suit? But either way, the crazy part is… I knew the guy! I’d seen him at my hotel the other night, the night Patrick wasn’t working and Lucifer wasn’t around and I came back early and had a few drinks there. (Drinks are way better at Lux though.)
Oh–I wonder if he’s the one who took Lucifer’s card when I was closing my tab??
Weird thing: I guess the police arrested Ronnie for some reason, led her out in handcuffs, even though she got the imposter so I guess there was something else going on too.
Today, they did find the real bad guy (I think), the one who must have killed the woman in the pool. I don’t know exactly what he said, I was able to follow Lucifer into the building he went to, but I couldn’t get quite close enough to hear. I could see, though, and Lucifer batted him right through a plate glass window so he was mad!
Fortunately it looked like the guy was still alive. I mean, I can deal with Amenadiel (I hope), but I worry Pop will really get angry if Lucifer kills a human, even by accident. I don’t want him to get in that kind of trouble.
All right, I think that’s everything. Think I’ll get something to eat and rest, then I’ll head over to Lux a bit later. Pretty sure Patrick is working tonight.
[next words written with a different pen and unusually messy, written in haste]
P.S. It’s super late but I have to write this down. Patrick offered me a ride home again because it’s been rainy (which hardly ever happens here), so I admitted this time that I actually live pretty far away and just in a hotel while I figure out a better place. And he said his roommate just moved out and he was looking for another roommate because the rent is a lot for just him, even though Lux pays really well, and would I like to come see the place!?! So I’m meeting him around lunchtime. It’s much closer to Lux and Patrick is awesome, so it will be amazing if this works out!
Chapter Text
February 14
So this is my first diary entry in my new apartment! It’s been a busy week so I’m glad Lucifer has mostly been just doing his thing at Lux, and Amenadiel hasn’t shown up all week. Which is great because I had to run around a little making a real identity for myself like Lucifer has. Real to the humans and their computers, that is. So here I am, Hans Engel (I know, I know, I had to think of a last name on the spot to sign on the lease and stuff), in the bedroom of my new place!
Patrick wished me Happy Valentine’s Day today, which is something humans do that they mean in a nice way. Even if celebrating on the day the poor guy was actually executed seems a little grim to me. But I said Happy Val’s day back. Patrick's getting ready for a shift now, he says tips are great on Valentine’s because people are trying to impress their dates with how generous they are.
I’ll head in with him, I bet this is a night Lucifer stays on the floor doing his matchmaking thing.
[ note in margin: new celestial email account— don’t forget! Don’t use the h-job one! [email protected]
➿
February 15
Oh Dad I can’t believe this, Lucifer got hurt with a regular earthly bullet! What the Heaven? He bled!!
Okay so let me start at the beginning.
Valentine’s Day (night?) at Lux is awesome. Lucifer played a lot of sets, and just like I figured he made sure no one had to go home alone. He paired up some couples, and tripled up (?) a couple trios and it seemed like a happy time all around. I didn’t even count how many people went up to the penthouse with him at the end of the night. And Patrick did great on tips, so he was super happy too. I made a joke about how I’d put a good tip in there for him but then I’d have to borrow it back to make rent and he cracked up.
When we finally got home we were both tired but he
[here is another spot where the paper has been erased so thoroughly it has ripped a bit and a piece of tape placed over the tear ]
Another time for that. ↑
[arrow pointing to the missing section ]
I kind of slept in a little but I figured Lucifer probably would too given the party he must have had after closing. So I was hanging out around Lux waiting, and waiting, and some humans staggered out over the course of the morning (they all looked happy though some were barely dressed!), but no sign of Lucifer. So I finally snuck up to his balcony and peeked in. There was a cleaning crew in there, but no Lucifer. I poked around Lux (on alert for Maze) and didn’t find him. But I did go into the penthouse after the cleaners left, and found an invitation on his desk for him and three guests to something called a ‘Players Club seminar’ and party. There were two passes with the letter so I grabbed one.
The seminar turned out to be pretty strange. It was full of women walking around in their underwear, and a bunch of them gave me pieces of paper with their phone numbers on them. Later this big security guard gave me his number too.
The seminar itself made NO sense. The guy was saying human men are wolves and human women are fluffy bunnies, which should mean the men eat the women, and that totally would not have worked out for long term survival of the species and Pop would never have used such a dumb design.
But anyway it was really all metaphors for getting dates, but it still made no sense, and Lucifer thought so too because he interrupted to try to get this supposed expert Carver to explain why Chloe won’t sleep with him. Which is a fair question, because come on, it’s Lucifer, but Carver wouldn’t answer.
And then I think Lucifer messed up just a little because he said Chloe was a cop and they got kicked out right away.
I actually stayed at the seminar a bit longer. I was a little worried that maybe they freaked out about Chloe being a cop because they were going to eat the women and it wasn’t all metaphors after all. But no, it was just more talk about how to get dates like a caveman (??) so I left.
Then I got a text from Patrick saying he got called into work early because the Player afterparty was moving to Lux, so I headed over there. Obviously Lucifer and Chloe were working on some case with the Players but I had no idea what it was. They came down with Chloe in a bright red dress– it reminded me of a dress one of the Valentine’s Day people was wearing last night, and I have to say Chloe looked really good in it. I hung out at the bar with Patrick.
[ note in margin : forget to say here I found a tiny gray covert near the bar so I think Amenadiel was here today! It had a little whisper of divinity left but not enough to hurt a human at least.]
The caveman-wolf-whatever guy Carver was there and he freaked out and pulled a gun. Patrick told me to get behind the bar with him, which was really thoughtful since he doesn’t know I’m invulnerable (which I’ve now double checked and I’ll get to why!).
Lucifer and Chloe got the gun away from Carver and took him upstairs. Patrick said he was going to stay late even though he came in early, because some of the other staff were upset about the gun thing. I asked him why he wasn’t as upset, and he said when he came in early, Mazikeen was there and angry about something. He said she was ‘spitting tacks’ (which I think is an expression and not something she can actually do but you never know), and then said what’s a little hostage situation after a run-in with mad Maze. Right? I think that definitely speaks well for his self-preservation instincts.
So I said I’d see him later AT HOME (here!) and went to try and see what Lucifer was doing. I couldn’t hear anything, couldn’t get that close, but I followed them when they went to some old factory and sat in the car for awhile (Chloe and Lucifer, that is, Carver showed up a little later) then they went in one by one (Carver, Lucifer, Chloe). I waited outside, trying to look in windows because I didn’t dare go in and get seen, and I could hear yelling and a gunshot and then police came pouring in.
So here is what I figured out.
Chloe shot Lucifer. Crazy, right?
Not the craziest by far. Lucifer BLED. He came limping out and had to get bandaged and Chloe was really upset, but then she drove him back to Lux so I guess it’s okay?
So how did he bleed??
I figure it’s either 1. Chloe somehow has infernal or celestial steel bullets, which how would she even??
- Amenadiel did something to Lucifer? He would if he could but I can’t imagine how that would work.
- ???
It’s not just something in the air because I checked with a kitchen knife and I’m still invulnerable.
Can’t think anymore, I need some rest. But I have to work on this, it’s really scary that Lucifer can be hurt! I’m going to have to find a way to get closer to him. I can’t just change up my glamor too often, not when I have to hold it in place all the time. But I’m in LA. Maybe just disguises will work. Like acting.
Tomorrow, I’ll figure out my plan.
I wonder if I should tell anyone about this?
Chapter Text
February 16
So I spent a bunch of today agonizing over Lucifer bleeding and trying to figure out what I should do. I’m sure he’s trying to figure it out and Maze must be helping. We can’t let Amenadiel find out, he’d totally take advantage.
I’ve been trying to add to my list of reasons Lucifer got hurt by that bullet. My best list now is:
- Celestial/infernal bullet… that Amenadiel put there somehow!
- Something A-diel did to Lucifer that made him sick? Easier to hurt?
- Can it be something about Chloe being a Miracle?
- Pros: Pop blessed her so she could have all kinds of special features compared to a regular human
- Con: Pop wouldn’t have made a Miracle to hurt Lucifer so if it’s her it’s got to be an accident
- or! Since A-diel delivered the blessing, maybe he messed it up!
So all of those come down to A-diel.
I’ve decided I shouldn’t tell anyone for now. Have faith in Pop’s Plan ? !
February 17
I went to Lux last night as usual, but it wasn’t as fun since Patrick had the night off. I mostly tried to listen in when Lucifer talked to Maze, but he wasn’t even on the floor that much.
This morning when Patrick got up he asked me about how it was at Lux. When I told him it was kind of boring and that I barely saw Lucifer he gave me this kind of funny look, and then he asked me if I was stalking Lucifer!
I think I got red because I kind of am, but not the way he was thinking! And I know that’s what he was thinking because he sort of laughed and asked if I was in love with Lucifer or something. Ewww!
I told him no way, that Lucifer is my brother, and I just want to watch out for him. Patrick didn’t seem to believe we are brothers and asked why Lucifer acted like he didn’t know me, so I told him we hadn’t seen each other for a really long time. It was kind of a Lucifer-style answer. True, but it’s not actually the relevant reason he doesn’t recognize me.
When he seemed to be convinced I wasn’t lying, Patrick said (joking) since Lucifer says he’s the Devil does that make me a demon? That made me laugh, and I told him Maze is the demon, I’m an angel. That made him laugh too, and he agreed that being a demon would explain a lot about Maze.
And then he said the sweetest thing. He said he knows none of it is true (wrong!) but that if he could believe any part of it, it would be that I’m an angel. And he kissed me again.
[the word ‘kissed’ starts off dark and heavy, as if written slowly and very firmly]
I’m not erasing it this time.
It was really nice and we talked a lot, and kissed some more, and this diary isn’t bursting into flame or anything so I guess it’s all okay with Pop.
I guess I have to tell Patrick at some point that even though Lucifer is my brother I don’t entirely know what I’m doing. I mean I know some! And I know humans can break easily so I have to be careful.
Feb 19
Gabby noticed my new .el account and sent a WTH message! I forgot that she’s the administrator for all that. She was asking why I need another account and what’s up with the name, and I worry that the next message won’t be an email, it’ll be the Messenger herself. If she figures out I’m here, I have to swear her to secrecy somehow.
I knew I should have just gotten a gmail account.
February 20
Told Patrick a little bit about why I’m watching out for Lucifer. I mean the mortality thing I can’t explain so I said I was worried about him getting hurt and kind of implied that maybe it was a person I was concerned about hurting him, and not a bizarre metaphysical malfunction of his celestial nature.
Patrick said it’s both sweet and weird that I’m kind of Lucifer’s guardian angel (he said it, not me!) but he offered to help keep an eye out for suspicious characters. He also said he’d try to listen in when
[sentence ends, unfinished]
Okay, WOW.
Patrick just left. No way am I writing what we did but it was more than just kissing and let's just say I think I lived up to my title of Angel of Giving. I feel really happy right now.
February 22
Today I got back on track following Lucifer. I told Patrick about my idea to wear disguises since eventually Lucifer might realize he’s seeing me around a lot (though it helps me that he’s pretty fixated on Chloe).
Patrick thought it was hilarious but still a great idea, and took me down to the apartment of three friends of his who live in this same apartment building. Two of them are drag queens. They had to explain what that meant (I heard one of them whisper to Patrick that I’m “adorably clueless,” and Patrick just smiled at that so I don’t think the clueless part was an insult).
One whole room in their apartment is just a dressing room full of clothes, almost as big as Lucifer’s closet, and we spent the afternoon trying things on. They kept saying they wanted to make me “glamorous,” which made me laugh every time because I wanted to say “But I’m already wearing my glamor!” Ha ha
But then I explained I was going to a fashion show for shoes and just needed a disguise. So they pulled out wigs and less-sparkly clothes and helped me pick something that I’m sure Lucifer would never recognize me in, not in a billion years. There were tons of cameras at the show, so I’ll definitely see if I can find a photo someone took to show how close I was to Lucifer!
[margin note: Found pictures! I put some on the next page.]
Well, I was really close to Lucifer until he left to make out with a model. That’s when things went crazy.
Backing up. I went to this show by this guy Benny Choi who is an artist but also makes shoes (he’d sent Lucifer an invitation). I managed to sit right next to Lucifer and Maze, and could totally listen in! I learned that while Maze is worried about Lucifer being vulnerable (like she should be!), Lucifer is acting like it’s the most fun thing ever. He’s totally excited by the idea he could get hurt. Which is both crazy and, unfortunately, classic Lucifer. He was so thrilled when a model came over and ran a sword over him. She’s the one he followed backstage, no surprise there.
But then humans started shooting guns and panicking, and Maze went to drag Lucifer out. A human died, which was really sad.
Anyway, I’m home, and I’ll get this costume off, and tomorrow I’ll see what happens. I bet anything Lucifer is going to find a way to investigate what happened with Chloe.
February 23
So today pretty much started with Benny Choi, some other human, and a pig on a leash coming into Lux to see Lucifer, and it just got crazier from there.
[margin note: It’s like the opening to a joke: Two guys and a pig walk into a bar to see the Devil…]
So I was right, Lucifer showed up with Chloe and they’re totally working on the case from last night. After they talked to the humans (and maybe to the pig too, who knows) I overheard them out in the alley making a plan to go to a bar called the Paddock. So I looked that address up and flew over (I didn’t have to rush, Chloe was driving, not Lucifer) and slipped into the bar so I could get a good unobtrusive spot to watch and listen from.
But this is the big news and I don’t know what it means. While I was sitting way over at the end of the bar, this old guy came in and sat front and center at the bar and ordered a beer.
Thing is, it wasn’t an old guy. I mean, he’s old, but not an old human guy. Not huma
[margin note pointing at crossed out text : ugh making no sense!]
It was Michael.
Now, I don’t like to brag, but I am very good at glamor and like I've said I can glamor up so well my divinity is masked from everyone but Azrael (and Pop of course). I’m also really good at seeing under glamors and through disguises and everything (after all, I’m the Silver City’s All-Time Champion at the “guess which twin it is” game!)
So even though it looked like a little old human, I knew immediately that it was really Michael.
I hid in the bathroom. Totally not ashamed to admit that.
I mean, probably he wouldn’t recognize me? He’s not Rae Rae or our Father, but if anyone else had a chance of figuring it out, it would be good old 'Who Is Like Pop,' right?
So yeah, I went and hid, taking a moment when Michael was distracted by Lucifer and Chloe sitting right next to him! He looked like he was feeling Lucifer’s jacket or something (?) but I didn’t stay to watch.
I came out when I heard a big crash, and Michael had turned to see what was happening too, and I almost looked him in the eye (!). Close call. Turns out Lucifer had started a fight and Chloe was dragging him out so I managed to slip out without getting to close to Michael.
WHAT THE HEAVEN IS MICHAEL DOING HERE?
February 24
Patrick calmed me down last night, even though I couldn’t really explain why I came home so stressed out. What was I going to say? “Another brother of mine, the scariest archangel in the Host, is also spying on Lucifer disguised as a scrawny tweedy human, oh and he’s your boss’s identical twin.”
What if Michael is the reason Lucifer is vulnerable?
Or maybe Michael learned about it and is worried about Lucifer too? ←HA!
I guess the only good thing is Michael and Amenadiel can’t stand each other, so if they run into each other there will probably be a fight, but at least they won’t team up on Lucifer. I haven’t seen Amenadiel for awhile, nothing but that feather. What’s he up to, I wonder?
I followed Lucifer and Chloe from above today, but I was really skittish, sure that Michael was going to zoom by at any moment. I really couldn’t tell much about their case, but I did see Mazikeen go into the community center they were in, and I couldn’t see but I heard the screaming so I’m guessing she was in there protecting Lucifer. By the time it was all done it seems they arrested Benny Choi, even though I thought he was the one who got shot at. I missed a lot, but even if I had overheard more I was too busy jumping at Michael-shaped shadows to really pay attention..
And for some reason Chloe left Lucifer behind after the arrest, just drove off without him! Lucifer doesn’t even carry a phone (I don’t know why, they're so useful). But it was fine, the police lieutenant saw him standing there in the street and gave him a ride home. Wonder if she spent the night?
It was so late, I came straight home and just wanted to finish this entry before bed. Patrick was already asleep when I got in but I think I just heard him. I’ll end here and go see.
Chapter Text
February 29
That is the real date, not a mistake! I had to look it up. It’s one of those funny things humans do with their timekeeping, like some of them pretending to take an hour away and then take it back each year. Like anything really changes.
So, extra day!
Patrick says it’s dumb to call it an extra day unless they actually add a day. When I said no one can really add a day (maybe Amenadiel but that’s not the point) he said sure they can, and he votes for a Tuesday since that’s usually his night off so a week with two Tuesdays would be great. And I guess that would work, doubling one of their arbitrary weekdays, as long as they all agreed to it.
“Just think of all the fun we could have on Leap Tuesday” Patrick said. He's hilarious.
We’re having plenty of fun as it is, whether or not we get an extra day. Patrick is working tonight, but we still had lots of good time together before he started his shift. Lucifer hasn’t been anywhere the last few days, and he’s not going out tonight I bet.
I was in Lux for awhile earlier, and Lucifer played a great set. He played this one song, “Sinnerman,” that is really good. It mentions Pop and wow, the look Lucifer aimed up at Him…! I’d be afraid of getting smited on the spot for a look like that. Lucifer is much braver than I am.
Patrick just texted and it’s going to be one of those long nights when Lucifer doesn’t kick people out so I’m going to go back and keep him company.
March 1
So it was a little embarrassing but apparently I fell asleep in Lux along with all the human stragglers who were waiting hopefully (futilely as it turned out) for Lucifer to take them upstairs. I guess Lucifer was in a mood, because he just played the piano all night. I woke up to Maze presenting Lucifer with two Brittanies, but he headed out on a case. Maze seemed pretty annoyed.
I was trying to figure out if I could follow Lucifer but Patrick had apparently joined me in my booth after I fell asleep, and he was still sleeping pretty much in my lap. I was trying to work out if I could move without waking him when I got a weird feeling and realized Mazikeen was staring right at us, the Brittanies standing next to her.
For one scary minute I was afraid she was going to take Patrick off to the party (or, Dad help me, both of us), but fortunately she just shrugged and headed upstairs with the Brittanies. By then it was too late to go after Lucifer so I just hung out and let Patrick sleep.
And maybe I fell back asleep because when I woke up again it was because Patrick was getting up to go use the bathroom (I have to remember to pretend to do that sometimes) and the place had emptied out. The timing was perfect because Lucifer came back in while Maze was on the phone and I was still just laying in the booth and I overheard something that seems important.
Someone stole something from Lucifer! A container, and Maze seemed to be really worried about it.Lucifer tried to shrug it off as no big deal, but it sounded big, and then Maze pointed out that it would hurt his reputation to let people get away with stealing from him, and that did the trick.
I followed him this time when he left. I sent Patrick a text that I was going out and he knew why because he texted back “happy stalking.” Ha ha, very funny.
Lucifer went to a big warehouse close to the ocean that was obviously a crime scene. There were lots of police there, if I had one of those uniforms I could blend in really easily. But I don't, so instead I just hid. Because it was a big warehouse, full of big containers. It was actually really easy to hide in.
Lucifer acted weird when he told Chloe it was his container missing and she asked him what was in it. He would not answer outright! He was totally doing his truth wiggle. But he finally said it was a “personal item, insignificant,” and that it was the only thing he brought with him to Los Angeles.
Which would be what? He came here from Hell, what personal item would he bring from there? A weapon, maybe? I mean, I thought all he brought was Mazikeen and she sure isn’t in a storage container. Have to keep thinking on this.
[margin note: Later I heard him say it was a gift from Pop! So not something from Hell. Now I’m really confused.]
[margin note pointing to the one above: when he said it was a gift from our Father, Chloe asked if it was a priceless porn collection and I laughed so hard I had to walk away because I was afraid they’d notice!]
I followed them down to the boardwalk next– people everywhere, easy to get close– and watched Lucifer yank a human out of a truck selling flavored ice and question him. He turned out to know about the warehouse but said they had to go see “Los Diablos” (seriously!), who Chloe said was a biker club.
I kept following them until the thing about Pop and porn because by the time I recovered, Chloe had actually left and Lucifer was just standing there with his cherry ice looking frustrated, and after that he went to see his therapist. So I went to check in with Patrick and ask him about biker clubs.
Patrick had totally heard of Los Diablos and said there was someone else I could ask for more information… and sent me down to his friends’ place downstairs again. Turns out the third person who lives there is a biker (which by then I knew meant he rides motorcycles). His name is Cole (or maybe Coal?). I didn't ask him to spell it.
So Coal/Cole told me about Los Diablos and where they hang out (their clubhouse I guess?). I asked if it was a club like Lux where I could blend in and they all laughed so hard. (Now that I’ve seen the place I get why it was funny.) So they said no, not a chance, so I asked if another costume might help.
They loved that idea, but when I asked if they were going to make me look like a biker they laughed again, said if a "glamour twink" like me walked into a straight biker club like that they’d eat me alive but not in a fun way.
Okay, I admit I looked that up later. Once again they didn’t mean glamour like I mean it, glamour just means pretty in this case– which, sure, Heaven’s handsomest! And twink means a man with a slender build and youthful appearance who has sex with other men, which also describes me (part of it only very recently…!!) so I guess it all made sense. I wasn’t totally clear on the whole eat me alive thing but I trusted them.
So that’s why they had me disguise myself as a woman.
I have one picture Cole/Coal took with a camera that makes instant photos but next time I do this I’ll get better ones. It was fun. Sasha (or I should say Ms. Faye Boulous because she was dressed for work) is the one who wrote “Hannah” on the picture.
Anyway, the point here is that it WORKED! Maybe too well because a bunch of the men at the bar were pretty obviously inviting sexual encounters and one woman was threatening to fight me for “tempting her man” (maybe a flattering comparison to Lucifer there?) but then Lucifer and Chloe came in and I could stand right there and listen to everything.
Unfortunately, I didn’t learn much that was interesting, and the head of the club took them to talk in his office, but I did notice this one guy who tried to punch Lucifer (Chloe took him down before he could even get close) had a weird energy. He was off. For some reason he made me think of that woman who called Lucifer a faker, which is strange because they are nothing alike.
I headed out when Chloe and Lucifer left but they were just sitting in their car so I just pretended I was out for a walk and kind of strolled out of sight. I was going to take off but one of the Los Diablos had followed me out and was definitely asking for sex. When I said no, he grabbed me and groped me in a very personal place without my permission so I kneed him in the same place and then punched him in the face. And I remembered humans break easily, so I’m sure I pulled my punch at the last minute, so he was unconscious but definitely still alive so don’t be mad, Pop, okay?
But now I’m actually sitting on a rooftop catching up on this while Lucifer and Chloe are just sitting in their car in a different place. I’ve figured out they do this a lot so why not carry this diary with me for these waiting times? They’re watching the boss guy from the clubhouse, who looks like he’s wait
[sentence ends suddenly, when writing resumes the handwriting is messier than usual, a little shaky]
This is bad this is SO bad.
I was right about that guy with the weird energy, he showed up and shot the other guy and then took off on his motorcycle, and Chloe got out of the car but Lucifer took it to chase the guy so I followed him and they were in this building while I circled and tried to figure out if I could get in but they came up on the roof–
[handwriting gets a little smoother]
I’m freaking out but I’m trying to slow down. But I know what’s going on now.
Lucifer cornered the guy on the roof, and the guy was terrified and said “I saw them” and then said “they were yours” and I figured it out.
The rumor is really true. Lucifer cut off his wings and this guy stole them and got a look at them so he’s kind of divinity-drunk.
[margin note pointing at drunk: No wonder I thought of the woman from the party! I left her all divinity-drunk, I guess I was unconsciously aware of what was off about this guy. I wonder if she's recovered?]
It has to be it. When they found the container later I hid on top of it and listened while they opened something inside, and I guess it satisfied Chloe and she left. But after Chloe left Lucifer opened some other part and said “they’re gone” and he sounded really angry. It’s totally got to be his wings! He cut them off (I never wanted to believe it!) and kept them but now they’re missing.
But the other thing I'm worried about- I'm telling it out of order, it was before the container. When he was up on the roof, Lucifer was so mad and he definitely showed some Hellfire, and the guy who took his wings panicked and jumped off the roof. And died. I just hope Pop knows it wasn’t Lucifer’s fault! I saw it all. He definitely tried to stop the guy when he realized what was happening and so it shouldn’t count as killing a human, it was an accident.
March 2
I’m calmer today, Patrick was really nice when I came home totally freaked out. He called in sick for his shift and just cuddled me and made me dinner and didn’t even ask until after we ate why I was dressed as a woman. I told him what I could about what had happened, and he was pretty upset about my going to Los Diablos on my own but mostly just listened. Oh, and he said I made a pretty woman and he was totally okay with it if that was my thing, but I said it was just a disguise, not something I expected to do a lot.
When he asked about what was stolen from Lucifer (he seemed pretty surprised anyone would steal from him, especially since he tends to just give stuff to people who ask anyway) I told the truth, because I had looked inside the container to confirm it.
The container had a big crate– obviously a decoy since the wings were hidden in the back– full of Russian nesting dolls. Patrick looked at me like I was crazy, but I told him they were super sentimental.
Which… they are, sort of? They’re the same ones (or at least look like the same ones) Lucifer always used to use to hide drugs from Jophiel. Jophi never figured out that they open up. Kind of funny choice for a decoy now that I think about it.
So. How are we going to find Lucifer’s wings?
Chapter Text
March 7
What a week! We’ve all been searching for Lucifer’s wings. Maze and Lucifer have been torturing all kinds of likely suspects (it’s been kind of uncomfortable but mostly really interesting seeing how they work. Just earlier tonight I watched from the rooftop with the best view of Lucifer’s hot tub while Maze tricked this guy in and then held him underwater. Not long enough to drown, fortunately! But boy did his night not go the way he was hoping!
I hope she’s never done that to Patrick, I know it’s scary for humans to not breathe. Not gonna ask him that though! Maze still will occasionally ask– well, tell– Patrick to do that at the bar or in the back. He and I agreed no one in their right mind says no to Mazikeen and I reassured him it’s really okay with me. I’m pretty sure she knows Patrick and I are a thing? Fortunately she hasn’t asked me to do anything because that would not work for me.
I told Patrick some of what’s been going on… basically that Lucifer had this set of really valuable wings that were stolen. Obviously he doesn’t know they’re real, but didn’t even blink at the idea that Lucifer might have a set of realistic wings. I mean, the way the dancers here all dress up for theme nights anyway... And not like Lucifer is shy about dressing up for all kinds of role play with his overnight guests.
I had told Patrick about the whole wing story mostly so he’d know why I was running in and out all the time this week (not that that’s all that different from usual) but then he told me he thought he found them! He found information about this auction online that’s all about religious relics (mostly fakes I’m sure) and there was a photo of Lucifer’s wings!! I can’t believe someone is trying to sell them! They can't know what they have, right? The picture was pretty upsetting to see, his wings spread and mounted and just...cut. I've seen his scars a few times now and my wings ache every time I see them.
So obviously I knew then that I have to get into that auction. It seemed like it’s tricky to get an invitation, so I figured the best way is to go as a seller. Making a fake relic on short notice seemed like it would take too long, so I flew to Glasgow where I know they have a reliquary with some of Saint Valentine’s actual bones. So I borrowed it. They’ve got some legitimate bits of Saint Andrew in Scotland too but they’d probably notice sooner if those were out on loan.
Anyway I got that all set up, and “Hamish Jobling” will be attending the auction. I’d bring Patrick as my date– he’d look really good in a kilt– but he has to work.
I’ll just have to pay attention to who buys Saint Val’s box so I can swap out a fake version later and get the bones back to Glasgow. It’s not fair to take the real thing away from the church there, it’s so rare when the humans find the right bones. The number of reliquaries out there with not just the wrong person but the wrong species..! People would freak out if they know how many of them pray over cow bones.
March 8
[handwriting on this page is large and shaky and hasty, clearly written when upset]
Oh Dad what do I do now? Pop must know what Amenadiel did! He has to! Why would he let him do that?? I know You must have a reason Pop, I just wish I could know what it is.
I have to write all this down, so much happened today and I don’t even know where to start. But the two BIG BIG things are:
⇒Lucifer got his wings back but now they’re gone, gone forever and I’m going to cry again just thinking about it.
⇒Amenadiel has done something really bad. Rule-breaking bad and I don’t know what to do about it but I really hate him right now.
Let me get it all down, because I feel like I might have to testify to Zadkiel about it someday.
The morning started fine, all normal, I followed Lucifer to Chloe’s place but it was a super short visit.
Then Lucifer met Amenadiel on the beach and told him his wings were missing. He was just asking Amenadiel for help finding them, I thought it was a mistake to tell him, but anyway Amenadiel refused to help. Amenadiel gave him the same line about having to patrol Hell for ‘all those souls slipping out,” which is such a lie! Souls don’t get out unless one of us moves them! I’d worry more about demons getting out or trying to possess bodies again, myself.
Lucifer went back to Chloe’s and they agreed to help each other, her with his wings and him with Palmetto. Chloe’s ex was there, which was awkward, but they all agreed to go to Palmetto. I’d learned where that is so I flew ahead so I could find a place to hide. I could smell a little damp smell and some moving air and found a really handy secret door leading to a tunnel under the floor. I hardly ever find that great a hiding place for listening in!
They did a little reenactment and Lucifer was hilarious of course. After the rest of the day today, I’d sort of forgotten about that but it really was funny. Lucifer got to play the handsome criminal element and had a blast with it.
The irony is they were looking for a place someone else could have been hidden back on that day, and there I was sitting in what had to have been the place! I hope they figure it out, but fortunately they didn’t while I was down there.
Then they got a lead on Lucifer’s wings so in the end everyone ended up at the auction. Even Amenadiel, which I didn’t understand at the time but I know now.
The auction was actually fun too, though I was nervous about Amenadiel being there. He and Lucifer had a little trouble getting in, and finally Lucifer flashed his pentecostal coin. So basically offering a relic like I did, they just didn’t get to plan ahead like me. For my part, ‘Hamish’ just waltzed on in. I was wearing the kilt I picked up in Scotland while I was over there and got a seat up in one of the VIP boxes.
Before things got started, I circled around the reception so I could stay close to Lucifer. I even took a glass of champagne from one of the passing servers at the same time Lucifer and Amenadiel did and seriously considered spilling it on Amenadiel in the hopes he’d leave. I didn’t though.
They were talking about guns for some reason, and then Lucifer admitted his mortality issue (why??). Amenadiel freaked me out (and Lucifer too by the look of him) by pointing out that now any human could kill him and Lucifer would go straight to Hell. Which would be bad enough with no wings to get back out but I think it would actually mean just his soul would go down and who knows what the demons could do to him then? He needs to be careful!
Then the auction started and I had to run up to my seat and it just gets crazier from here.
They were bidding on Saint Paul’s chains (totally fake) and I saw Chloe join Lucifer and Amenadiel but I was too far away to hear anything. All I could do was watch them while someone spent a lot of money on some old chains and then it happened.
The human running the auction announced “the wings of an angel” and unveiled the wings in a big glass box, glowing, and I felt sick at the sight of bloody skin at their base, celestial flesh that will never rot, as fresh as the day they were cut off…
Except they weren’t Lucifer’s wings!!!
I could tell almost right away. I was practically right above them and there wasn’t even a whisper of divinity coming from them, not to mention all those humans staring at them, oohing and ahhing but none of them were drooling or showing any other signs of being drunk on divinity. Someone made fake wings, but they looked just like Lucifer's so they had to be based on the real thing.
Then a bunch of humans ran in yelling “FBI.” Those letters were all over their clothes too and I haven’t looked it up yet but I think they’re some kind of cops… maybe “Fake Bones Investigators?” or something. Everyone exploded in panic at that point, at least until Amenadiel slowed time and I just barely remembered in time to slow down along with the humans. So I watched in pretend slow motion while Lucifer came over and he figured out the wings were fake.
I miscalculated a little because I snuck down when Amenadiel and Lucifer weren’t looking my way because I had to grab Saint Val, but then Amenadiel let time go again and I had to just hunker down out of sight, and by the time I got clear Lucifer was gone but Amenadiel wasn’t so I got the crazy idea to follow him.
Which is actually easier and less risky than it sounds. Amenadiel is just one of those guys who flies in a straight line wherever he’s going, never even looking around (or ahead sometimes given that bridge thing). So I followed him and first he flew to a rooftop and I landed fast on another one, and he was pacing around clearly mad, and then he took off again and I followed him to the beach and
[ there is a blob of ink and dent in the page, like a pen was pressed too hard and broke, and the ink changes color ]
Okay this is where all the really bad stuff starts.
Lucifer was sitting on the beach with his wings— his real wings— spread out on the sand. I couldn’t get too close but close enough to hear them pretty well.
Oh Dad, Lucifer burned his wings. I mean, for real. He flicked a cigarette onto them which would have done nothing itself of course but he’s still the Lightbringer and his wings just exploded in celestial fire. Amenadiel freaked out and I did too but then I heard Lucifer say Amenadiel did it all! Set up the whole theft of his wings, got them to the auction, everything! I mean, a human died in all that!
Amenadiel attacked Lucifer, and punched him over and over and Lucifer didn’t even defend himself, he just laughed and taunted Amenadiel and Amenadiel finally just stopped hitting him, but told him he was going to do whatever it takes to get Lucifer back to Hell.
When Amenadiel flew off, I followed him again. I was so sad and mad and I don’t know what I thought I was going to do— I admit I thought about confronting him, which would be really stupid but then he went to the hospital and here’s the thing I can’t believe.
I don’t even want to write it because it’s so insane.
He pulled a soul out of Hell and put it back in the body it had just left!!!
[this sentence is circled and underlined and surrounded by question and exclamation marks]
He can’t do that! Why would he even want to? I’ll have to figure out who that guy is. This has to have something to do with forcing Lucifer to Hell. But right now I can’t even think and I just keep seeing his wings burning in my head and it makes me so sad.
I really wish I could talk to you, Pop. This all seems so wrong.
Sometimes I feel like [ something has been erased here but not completely, and the words “don’t care” can be made out ]
March 9
Patrick is amazing. I wish I could just tell him all the truth.
Chapter Text
March 10
Figured out who the guy is that Amenadiel revived… easy because there was a whole story in the news about his ‘miraculous recovery.’ For once they got that headline literally right.
He’s the cop who got shot at Palmetto! So he’s connected to Chloe. But from that whole re-enactment they did, I know she thinks he’s dirty. (Not literally. Means a cop who does illegal stuff.) Obviously it can’t be a good thing to bring back a bad cop, and Amenadiel wouldn’t mess with the Miracle, so I’m still sure it has to do with Lucifer but I don’t know how.
Patrick found a story on the raid at the auction too, and spotted me in the background of one of the shots. I look surprised, and I’m pretty sure it’s from the moment I got a good look at the wings and knew they were fake.
March 11
Really nice morning in with Patrick. He’s been so patient with me being such a mess and I can’t even explain why, so I tried to make it up to him some. Let’s just say the Angel of Giving gave and then gave some more.
[ a little face that resembles the wink emoji is drawn in the margin ]
When we were getting ready to go out and get some lunch afterwards, Patrick came in and asked me why there is a box of bones in the front hall closet. Oops! I totally forgot to get those back to Scotland! I told him they were supposed to be the bones of Saint Valentine from the auction, and tried to make a ‘yeah right’ expression like they’re obviously fake.
But Patrick started talking about Valentine’s Day and how that was the day I moved in and the first time he kissed me so that must mean it’s almost our one-month anniversary. So I pointed to the box and said “Happy almost-anniversary.” How could I not?
Patrick kissed me and said I’m both the weirdest and sweetest guy he’s ever dated and put the reliquary in the living room. So I guess old Val’s staying with us awhile.
I just caught Lucifer going out later, he’s stayed in for a couple days, but he just went to meet his therapist. Not at her office though, so it was definitely just a sex visit, not a session. Although I know something upset him at his last session with Linda so maybe he was just avoiding her office.
I was hanging out waiting for Lucifer to come out, when a human went up to the door holding flowers, listened, and then ducked out of sight to hide when Lucifer came out! Fortunately he didn’t try to hide where I was already. And then he followed Lucifer back to Lux!
When we got there, I saw Suki was back in her usual corner. I don’t think I’ve mentioned Suki in here but she’s at Lux all the time and Patrick joked she and I should start up a Lucifer Stalkers Club. But now with this new guy maybe we really should, ha ha! Except he’s actually mad at Lucifer because he says he wants to get revenge on the guy sleeping with his wife, which would mean he’s married to Linda?
[ margin note: He turns out to be a reporter which Patrick pointed out is sort of legal stalking]
Lucifer doesn’t know this guy means him so he encouraged him to go all out with his revenge. Which means with Lucifer’s vulnerability I’d better keep an eye on this guy too.
March 13
It’s been a couple weird days. I found out that guy (Reese) is actually a reporter so he’s been following Lucifer and Chloe around on the case they’re working on to do a story on them.
If he’s cooking up some big revenge plan I don’t know what it is, but at some point he turned into a genuine stalker, following Lucifer all over the place while I kept an eye on them both. One time it turns out Maze was following them too and it’s a really good thing I was on a rooftop because I didn’t know she was there and if she found ME…!!! She put the fear of demons into Reese for sure!
Maybe not enough though, because he actually snuck up into Lucifer’s penthouse for some reason, when I know Lucifer had a guest up there! Lucifer headed up right after and I really wish I could have been up on the balcony to see how that went down. Whatever happened couldn’t have been that exciting, because Lucifer and Reese came back down together and Reese seemed kind of let down but Lucifer was totally cheerful. They went to the precinct. I waited outside and in a little while Reese came barreling out like his pants were on fire. Maybe some breaking story? I just waited for Lucifer and we headed on back to Lux. Reese didn’t show the rest of the night so maybe his stalking thing is done.
March 14 15
I want a rebirthday party!
Lucifer threw himself a party because he said he feels reborn (not that he was ever literally born) so he deserves a rebirthday party. It’s such a great idea! Chloe showed up with her ex and a green drink and wished Lucifer happy birthday, but didn’t stay. Lucifer looked a little disappointed but then he threw himself into the bash and it was a great night. I had a lot to drink and got that tipsy feeling again. Maybe more than tipsy because it was a little hard to walk. I was pretty much back to normal by the time Patrick got us home, which is good because Patrick said he’d been watching me dance all night and couldn’t wait to get me home and you know..!
It was really good and I learn something new every time.
He’s asleep now and I better sleep too. I did a couple drawings of Patrick when he was working the other day. I’m not Michelangelo but I think they’re pretty good! I’ll keep them in here.
Still March 15
Lucifer has another case with Chloe. I don’t know what it’s about yet, couldn’t really get close enough to catch anything. Lucifer stayed in tonight, he had a special guest show up, met her car and escorted her straight to the penthouse. I saw Suki get a couple pictures of her. She’ll figure out who it was if she doesn’t know her already. She told me she does facial recognition searches whenever someone new stays overnight and she’s identified just about everyone that way.
March 16
Today was pretty exciting.
Turns out the case was about a “cheater therapist” who I guess helped people with their relationships by telling them to have sex with other people? I didn’t exactly follow and Patrick told me it sounded kind of crazy to him, but I’m pretty sure that’s how it worked. Anyway, someone killed the therapist, and Lucifer’s therapist Linda ended up helping them with the case.
They went after a guy who I guess was a suspect but when they found him he was ready to jump off a roof! Which for humans is usually fatal or at least causes a lot of damage, so it was not a good thing. Lucifer went up on the roof with him, I thought to try to get him to come down, but I could hear them from down in the watching crowd (the humans couldn’t, just me) and he wasn’t trying to get him down! He said “if you want to jump, go for it!” so I was glad the humans couldn’t hear.
Lucifer was just asking him about jealousy and the cheater therapist, and by the end concluded the poor guy had the saddest life, which somehow convinced him that he wanted to live because it could only get better. It might have all been a clever trick to save the human, but I kind of have the feeling it was an accidental rescue.
Then it got stranger, because they found the victim’s wife was getting ready to throw excrement at one of his patients… eww!
Lucifer seemed frustrated with Chloe and Linda and left them with the poop perp and went to a group therapy session for the victim’s patients, which of course he took over. I couldn’t go inside but I could hear everything outside the door.
[ margin note with an arrow pointing at ‘poop perp’ : Can’t take credit, I was telling Patrick about the case and he came up with that name!]
Well, in the end Lucifer drew out the desire of the therapist leading the group and he was the killer! There was a scary moment when someone yelled “he’s got a knife” and I ran in and he had a cheese knife or something at Lucifer’s throat! Even with his vulnerability thing, I wasn’t too worried, Lucifer could have tossed the guy across the room, he didn’t seem dangerous. Then Chloe nearly bowled me over rushing in to grab the knife guy and I got out of there.
I think I put all the pieces together for the case so I'll draw it out on the next page.
The final thing that happened tonight was that I followed Chloe and Lucifer to that bar Michael showed up in that other time (which made me really nervous because it made me wonder if he’s still around??). They were looking for Malcolm’s (the one A. revived) partner and found him there, dead (and unrevived). I heard them saying he killed himself but I realized that Malcolm probably was in Hell when he was dead (and who knows how long it was down there) so he might be broken so maybe he did it? I wish I knew what Amenadiel was thinking with that guy. I just have to keep watching for him I guess.
March 17
Oh my Dad!!! Lucifer and Maze had a fight! Apparently Lucifer found out that Amenadiel got close to Linda (I don’t know how) and Maze admitted she did it! She said it was to protect him but Lucifer was so mad!
I hope they work it out. Maze is scary but I think she really does watch out for Lucifer. I feel better knowing a demon is on guard, how strange is that? But I really do.
Chapter Text
March 21
Sitting in the VIS booth (Patrick calls it that, the Very Important Stalkers booth). Lucifer is having some big party upstairs. Patrick says it’s almost definitely a full-on orgy. All three Brittanies were here earlier and when people started heading up for the party they tried to get me to go with them. The Brittanies flirt with me a lot but this is the first time they got sort of insistent and started pulling me toward the elevator. And even if I wanted to go to an orgy (which I don’t think I do?) I sure wouldn’t want to go to one hosted by my BROTHER!
But then Patrick came out from behind the bar and pried the Brittanies off of me. And he was laughing and friendly like he always is but he put an arm around me and said “Nope, this one’s mine” and the way he said it the Brittanies backed right off. And part of me felt like I should be offended because a human can’t own an angel, but really most of me liked it. A lot. And I wish he didn’t have to work tonight.
But he does, so I’m hanging out with Suki. She’s busy tonight, snapping photos and taking notes as people go into the elevator. She says everyone tonight gets the “orgy asterisk” notation, meaning she can’t be sure which of them will get to actually hook up with Lucifer himself. But she has another symbol she adds if they come back down with a particular expression that she calls “benomal” face. Which she explained is actually “BNOML” for “best night of my life.” She says she's pretty sure those people are ones who got to have actual sex with Lucifer.
She also just pointed out to me that the pizza delivery guy never came back down. We made a bet whether he'd come down with benomal face. I thought maybe, but Suki said Lucifer probably just tossed him to the Brittanies and I'm sure she knows better than me.
Patrick brought me a drink and said he is going on break soon and that I should definitely join him in the back when he does. And he gave me a look so I think we’re going to do something ‘fun’ back there. I can't wait! I should worry about getting caught but Maze does that kind of thing all the time, right?
March 22
Today has already been crazy and it’s not even over yet. I mean, it started with a priest coming to Lux to ask Lucifer for a favor! I’d followed Lucifer back from an appointment with Linda and slipped into Lux behind him. Then I panicked because Maze was there– Lucifer is still mad at her so she’s been laying low. While I can hide from just about anyone in all the little corners of Lux now, I’m pretty sure Maze can find me anytime she wants to. Luckily she was focused on getting Lucifer to go meet the priest, and then she took off, so she didn’t catch me.
The priest– Father Frank– asked Lucifer for help keeping a boy out of a dangerous situation, but Lucifer said no. Big surprise. He hates priests, hates how they go on and on about Pop and of course it’s priests that propagate a lot of the really negative and not true stuff about Lucifer, so I do understand where he's coming from.
After Lucifer said no, the priest left, but then he came right around the corner where I was standing out of sight. I mean, he had to go out of his way a little like he knew I was there, but it had to be just luck. When he saw me he gave me this huge friendly smile and said good morning. He called me ‘son’ like priests do, and just stood there like he wanted to chat.
So I said good morning back, but I was sort of watching over my shoulder in case Lucifer headed toward us. Father Frank looked that way too and said something about how it was a shame Lucifer is so sad, which surprised me because Lucifer really just acted mad with the priest.
Then he looked at me and said, “He really does need a guardian angel.” It was the weirdest thing because he was giving me this significant look. Like he knew I was an angel, which is impossible, right? But maybe he just got the vibe that I care about Lucifer. I liked this priest right away.
But then Lucifer did head our way and we both hurried out of there.
I followed Lucifer, of course, and he met up with the Detective and went into something called a youth center which was full of youth, as you’d expect. It wasn’t crowded but there were enough people that I could move around pretty easily and listen in.
Lucifer and Chloe found a dead human so then it became a crime scene. It sounded like Lucifer really thought Father Frank had done it, which I didn’t believe at all. They talked to some of the youth and then went to the precinct. While I was waiting outside, I saw that revived policeman Malcom Graham go in. He worries me, and when he walked close to where I was standing I’m sure I got a good whiff of Hell. I wish I knew what Amenadiel’s game is with that guy. Maybe next time I see him I should follow him.
Lucifer and Chloe went to a church next– never thought I’d see Lucifer stroll right into a church! Of course it turned out to be Father Frank’s church. I pretended to be a praying human while they talked to Father Frank and asked him to come in to answer questions.
When they left things got scary because someone in a car started shooting at them! A ricochet hit me in the arm. It didn't hurt, it wasn't even moving that fast at that point, but it surprised me! I came this close to unfurling! No one got hurt, amazingly. Father Frank was apparently the target… so they took him back to Lux!
Lux was wild tonight, and I know it had to be Lucifer's idea when some of the dancers came in dressed as nuns! (Well, briefly dressed as nuns. They took off their habits pretty quick, so they were dancing in wimples and bikinis.) Patrick said it was definitely the first time he’s ever seen a priest in there.
Lucifer eventually took Father Frank up to the penthouse, and I don’t usually do this, but I went outside and flew up to the balcony to look in on them. I mean, I was pretty sure they weren’t going to be having sex or anything! I just wanted to check on them.
The amazing thing was they were playing piano together. And Lucifer was so happy! Just relaxed and having fun, I can’t remember the last time I saw him like that. To be honest, maybe not since he [ something erased ] was still in the Silver City, before things got bad for him. When he and Michael still got along.
I was sad when Chloe came in and interrupted it, but they have to work on their case, right? I went to the edge of the balcony, watching for Chloe’s car so I could follow them and—
This is really embarrassing. I was watching for them and not really thinking about anything else and
I
totally didn’t notice Father Frank come out on the balcony.
I just about jumped straight off when he cleared his throat behind me and nearly unfurled again but somehow I didn’t. What I did do was make an embarrassingly stupid sound, like “erk” but kind of squeaky and I felt like such an idiot. And he was just smiling like there was nothing weird about finding some random obvious stalker lurking outside!!
I was just trying to think of what to say that was better than “erk” and wouldn’t freak him out (I thought about "be not afraid" but I don't think I could say it without giggling). Anyway, it didn't matter because he started talking to me. At first it was almost like he was talking to himself, talking about the boy Connor that this whole thing was about, his hopes and worries for him, and that he was sure Lucifer and Chloe would see that he was really a good kid inside. For a minute I thought maybe he really didn’t see me, but he was looking right at me.
And then he said it was good that God had sent me to watch over him, and I knew he was talking about Lucifer now, not Connor. I wanted to say Dad didn’t send me, that I came myself, but of course I wouldn’t have been able to come if Dad didn’t want me to, right? Anyway I wasn’t going to say anything about that either way, so I just said something about how I like Lucifer a lot and worry about him sometimes. Which should still have been ringing crazy stalker alarms in his head.
Is it totally insane to think that he knows I’m an angel??
I mean, it’s either that or he’s the least suspicious human to ever live.
[ starts on a fresh page ]
March 24
It’s been two days since Father Frank died. I just couldn’t write about it right away.
It was so sad. It was sad that he died, but it was a good death. He sacrificed himself for the boy he cared so much about, and I think that boy is changed now. I think all the good Father Frank saw in him will come to the outside now. I hope so.
But what was even sadder was Lucifer’s reaction. I’ve always known how fond he is of humans in general (well some humans), but this was different. He was sad and angry when Delilah was killed, but with Father Frank– he was heartbroken . I haven’t seen him that devastated since– not going to write about that day but anyway since then .
While Lucifer was pleading with Father Frank to hold on, Azrael showed up right next to me and put her hand on my shoulder and I honestly don’t know how I didn’t scream or unfurl or both. That’s when I knew Father Frank wasn’t going to make it. But Azrael told me she was really glad I was watching out for Lu (because of course she recognized me and of course she already knew I was around, because it’s Azrael!).
And Father Frank knew . He knew! He called Dad “your Father” to Lucifer. Lucifer looked so shocked.
How did he know? About Lucifer, and now I figure he definitely knew about me too.
When he died, Azreal took Father Frank’s soul and Lucifer didn’t even see her, he was just crying. Azrael waved to me and left. She flew up , of course. Maybe I can try to find Father Frank when I'm back in Heaven.
Lucifer was sad, but then he got angry and turned on the human who killed Father Frank. I think he might have actually killed him, he was so enraged, but Chloe got him to stop, and told him Father Frank wouldn’t want him to do it. It worked, he dropped the guy and backed off. Which is good. I really really don't want him to get in trouble for killing a human!
Lucifer went back to Lux, and I did too. I guess I looked really upset, because Patrick took one look at me, waved Lindsey over to cover the bar, and took me outside, through the back. I started crying for Dad's sake, and was embarrassed about that. But Patrick just held me and it was really nice-- until he got smacked hard in the shoulder! It turned out he got hit with Lucifer’s lighter, of all things, which Lucifer must have dropped–or maybe thrown–from his balcony.
We were going to go inside, maybe get Patrick some ice, when I heard Lucifer on his balcony and he was yelling at Dad. Really yelling, so mad about Father Frank and how unfair it all was. Patrick and I just stood there listening. Lucifer was shouting “what’s the bloody point?” at the sky. I got nervous, listening for thunder or any other sign Pop might show up, maybe with smiting in mind, but there was no response at all.
And to be honest…
I really kind of feel the same way as Lucifer.
I want to know the point.
Chapter Text
March 30
DAD WHY ARE YOU LETTING THIS HAPPEN?
He’s not talking to me, of course. Is He even listening? I really don’t know. I’m going to write all of this down and maybe I should tell Zadkiel, or Uri— or even Michael— what’s going on. Maybe. But as of right now Lucifer is okay, so… we’ll see.
So I realized I really needed to figure out what Amenadiel was doing with that human Malcolm he resurrected, so I made a plan to try to find and follow either of them. I told Patrick I was really worried, that the danger to Lucifer was feeling more imminent.
What’s amazing is he believes me. Even though I can’t tell him everything, can’t reveal celestial truths, he totally accepts what I can tell him. He didn’t even question when I said human police can’t help. He did suggest I tell Maze what’s going on, but we’re both a little too scared of her to bring it up so that’s a maybe someday kind of thing.
Anyway, we made a plan where he’d keep track of Lucifer and let me know when he hears things that might be relevant— Lucifer and Maze both talk around Patrick a lot, and Lucifer makes calls from the bar phone sometimes since he still doesn’t have a cell phone. Patrick also showed me how to order these little things called bugs which of course confused me at first because there are bugs everywhere do why order some? But it turned out bugs are the name of little devices that you can use to listen in on someone. Patrick said he would never have considered spying on anyone that way, much less his boss, but that I was already so far into being an insane stalker (he did laugh when he said that) what would a bug or two hurt? I did promise him I wouldn’t tell Suki we have bugs now.
So between all that, from now on I'll know more or less what Lucifer is doing and can focus on tracking Amenadiel and Malcolm.
Which is what I started doing, and here’s the thing I can’t believe and Dad I wish you’d tell me what’s going on.
Amenadiel brought Malcolm back TO KILL LUCIFER! Amenadiel learned about Lucifer’s mortality thing at that auction, I heard them talking about it. Amenadiel had said then that all he had to do was wait for someone to kill Lucifer, but then I guess he decided why wait and that’s what this is all about.
I really really hate Amenadiel. I wasn’t sure I could actually hate a sibling or would even be allowed to, but there it is. I hate him.
Okay, I have to write down what happened.
Lucifer was working with Chloe on some case to do with a chef who was poisoned, and he was barely at Lux all day. Maze was around, so Patrick was doing stuff in the back like inventory, when Chloe’s daughter Trixie showed up alone at Lux! Patrick sent me a photo he took on the sly, she was dressed like our favorite neighbors got a hold of her. Very glamorous. Really cute. Patrick said Chloe came to pick her up, but not with Lucifer. He also said he thinks Maze really likes the child, which is hard to imagine for Maze!
I found Malcolm by watching the precinct and I’ve learned to recognize his car. I followed him for most of the day. He rode around with Dan for a while, but I had to fly so high I couldn’t hear what they were saying. But I could tell Dan was really upset to be around Malcolm at all, which made sense with what happened later.
Malcolm went to four different restaurants. He eats constantly. Then he went to a huge store that sells wood and tools and appliances– just about everything, I guess. I trailed him in there for a long time, and he went and held a lot of stuff in the section called “power tools” like he wanted to buy them all, but in the end he just filled a bucket with a bunch of little things. He got excited over a display of little packets of “zip ties,” saying “what a deal” and grabbing a bunch of them. I found out later what those were for.
Finally I followed Malcolm to some kind of parking garage, it was empty so I just had to duck behind pillars to wait and see why he was there. Then Dan drove in. And I’ll write what actually happened but first I have to say the thing I learned again. (Dad, are you listening??)
Malcolm, the guy Amenadiel pulled out of Hell and back to life— his JOB, his mission— was to kill Lucifer.
Kill him. While Lucifer is wingless, vulnerable. Send him bodiless to Hell.
I hate Amenadiel.
Anyway apparently even though Dan doesn’t like Lucifer (maybe he’ll come around), he was not going to let Malcolm kill him (good for him!). So he tried to arrest Malcolm, but they fought, and Malcolm won. He knocked Dan out (he choked him and I was a little worried he was actually dead, but it turned out he was just unconscious) and took him off to his house. Malcolm’s family wasn’t there, and I guessed they had to be staying somewhere else because otherwise why would you bring someone you kidnapped home?
The house had a floor that was mostly underground, but I watched through a small window at ground level as Malcolm dragged Dan down the stairs (ouch- there was a lot of thumping) and tied him to a pole in the middle of the room, using those zip tie things. Then he told him he was planning to kill Lucifer and make it look like Dan did it.
Malcolm went back upstairs and I was torn over whether I should follow him or stay and set Dan free (but then he’d recognize me?), but Malcolm didn’t actually leave. He went upstairs and paced all over the house, muttering to himself, checking his phone a lot. He called a couple places to order food to be delivered. Hell definitely made him kind of crazy. He didn’t even sleep, and he kept looking down the stairs at Dan, so I really couldn’t go in to do anything.
It went on all night and the next day. Then Dan did a clever thing. Malcolm brought some food downstairs, and and he was eating and talking to Dan. Malcolm talked about Hell and it sounded like he just got total deprivation there, so no wonder he’s kind of crazy and he eats all the time. Dan kicked the food container out of Malcolm’s hands, and while Malcolm was trying to scoop it all back up Dan used his foot to get a little plastic knife that had fallen.
[margin note: Malcolm said “5 second rule” and I asked Patrick about that later. He says it means food is okay to eat off the floor if you pick it up within 5 seconds. So I started to explain to him how bacteria work and he laughed and said it’s just something people say when they really don’t care, they’re going to eat it anyway]
Malcolm left and I watched Dan long enough to see him get the knife and start sawing at the zip ties before I followed Malcolm. Since Dan’s car was still at that parking garage, I pulled out my phone and called him an Uber, with a note to look for Dan and take him wherever he wanted. I gave the address for Lux since I figured Dan would most likely want to follow Malcolm too.
That’s when I saw a text from Patrick saying Lucifer was hosting a big gala at Lux and that he had clothes ready for me if I wanted to go, so I texted I was on my way.
I followed Malcolm’s car, and when I was sure he was headed to Lux I zipped ahead to get there first. I flew all around, checking rooftops, because I realized Amenadiel might be nearby to make sure Malcolm did his job. That was nerve-wracking because I kind of had to sneak over the edge of each roof in case Amenadiel was there, but I never did find him. Which is good, because if he had spotted me I’d have been screwed. No one but Michael and Lucifer would have a chance in a fight against Amenadiel. I texted Patrick to watch for Malcolm too, then I went to Lucifer’s balcony. And Malcolm was already there.
I freaked out. My wings actually sharpened which I didn’t even think I could do anymore, but Malcolm was already pointing his gun at Lucifer so even if I went in I would have been behind Lucifer and couldn’t have done a thing.
But here finally is the GOOD news. Lucifer made a deal with Malcolm. Which, DUH as Patrick says. Of course he made a deal! I should have had more faith. He told Malcolm that Amenadiel is full of crap because angels can’t kill humans, and pointed out Malcolm is still Hell-bound when he dies again, so Lucifer gave him his pentacostal coin in exchange for not killing him.
I watched to make sure Malcolm left, and a minute later got a text from Patrick saying he missed him arriving but just saw Malcolm leave, and that I should get moving if I wanted to come to the gala.
So I had Patrick meet me at the back entrance so I could change into the clothes he brought and of course it was a full costume. There are tons of pictures from the gala so I’ll find one to put in here later.
I was just settling in to enjoy things, and the woman whose event it was got up to speak, and then Lucifer came up to stand next to her, and she looked completely freaked to see him. And that's when I noticed the holes in Lucifer’s shirtfront.
I pieced it all together later, after we found out that that woman actually murdered her husband and Lucifer basically got her to confess in front of all the guests, and Chloe and some other human said they had proof of some of what she did. So I figured after Malcolm left, she went up to try to kill Lucifer. Which is a really unfair thing to happen to him twice in one night. I felt really bad I wasn’t still up there, but how could I have known two people with guns would go after him in one night? Patrick also figured out from the other staff later that Dan showed up and went upstairs while I was getting changed in the back. I am SO going to put one of those listening bugs in the penthouse after this.
[ margin note with arrow to “bugs” : I have an idea… there is a brand new chandelier in the penthouse, it must have just gotten installed, it looks like a tree and it’s the perfect place for a bug]
But the biggest deal, that I couldn’t tell Patrick, is that those were bullet holes in Lucifer’s shirt. She shot him, but he didn’t get hurt. And the reason… well this is crazy.
I had told Patrick to just go home after clean up, I’d be late, because I really wanted to stay close to Lucifer after that evening. So I tucked into one of the little dark corners of Lux while Lucifer sat there drinking at the bar alone, playing with a knife, which was a little creepy. But then Maze came in and they talked, and he showed her that he’s invulnerable again, the knife wouldn’t cut his hand.
[margin note: oh yeah other surprise— Maze had sex with Amenadiel, or so she said, which is nuts because he hates demons but I don’t think she was lying and Lucifer seemed to believe it so I guess that’s a thing]
Which should just be amazing news except for this last bit.
Lucifer said he had to test something so I slipped out when he did and followed him to Chloe’s house and I saw it all through the window. Lucifer cut his hand with the same knife, but this time it made him bleed.
So it has to be that the Miracle makes him vulnerable! Which was a possibility on my list before, but it just didn’t make sense for Dad to make Lucifer a Miracle who could hurt him. So I still think it’s possible Amenadiel messed up the blessing.
But if she is supposed to be able to do that…?
Dad, I hope You are really busy with something and that You didn’t notice Amenadiel resurrecting a human or that the Miracle has this weird effect on Lucifer.
Because if You do know [something erased]
Dad, please just don’t hurt Lucifer any more, okay? He’s had such a hard time and many of our siblings are still so mad at him, it just doesn’t seem fair. I’m not questioning Your Plan, it’s just—
[sentence ends]
April 1
Found a picture from the gala.
Chapter Text
April 7
Been following Malcolm for the past week. He’s weird and fidgety and doesn’t sleep much, but he hasn’t done much of anything. Other than eating constantly, of course. Which is good, I guess, he’s honoring the deal with Lucifer. I really keep hoping to get a lead on what Amenadiel is up to, but no sign of him.
[margin note with an arrow to the word "good": the not doing things part is good, not the always eating part]
Lucifer hasn’t been leaving Lux much, either, and Chloe hasn’t been around. Lucifer is definitely keeping his distance after figuring out he’s vulnerable when he’s around her. Which is smart I guess, because then Amenadiel can’t try to get him killed by another human. If the whole mortality thing is really just because Amenadiel messed up the blessing, maybe sometime Dad will notice and fix it, because I feel like Lucifer really liked working with Chloe and maybe would again if he didn’t get hurt around her.
Oh and while the bug in the chandelier was a great idea for keeping track of Lucifer, I can listen in real time, but most of the time I just listen to recordings. I’ve learned (and shouldn't have been surprised) that listening to everything in the penthouse means listening to a lot of sex. Which wouldn’t be so bad if it wasn’t my brother in all of it. When I listen to the recordings I just skip the late night/early morning when he’s usually bringing some guests up from Lux, but of course any time of any day is fair game, it's Lucifer. I tried speeding up the playback to get through parts like that faster, but— No. That sounded soooo weird.
So, I just skip ahead or I kind of turn it down and try to not really listen until I hear normal conversational tones.
April 16
Something really big has happened. It’s been almost a week, actually, but I haven’t written about it yet because it’s really big and I had to make sure everything was okay. I’ve opened this diary every day since it happened and just couldn’t bring myself to write it down.
So here goes.
Patrick knows I’m an angel. He’s seen my wings.
I know I’m not supposed to reveal my divinity to humans and now I’ve done it twice but this was not on purpose! And the important thing is Patrick is fine. Actually, he handled it really, really well. Maybe working for Lucifer for so long, and then spending so much time close to me made him a little immune to the effects of divinity?
[ margin note : Really close to me! ♡]
And I guess I should explain how it happened, it’s not like I’m going to let anyone read this anyway. Obviously Patrick and I have been [ something erased and written over ] intimate and there was this one thing we’ve been sort of working up to which I am totally not writing down here. But we were doing that thing (I guess most accurately he was doing it to me) and it was really amazing, but at a certain pivotal moment I accidentally unfurled. [ final word clearly erased and then rewritten ]
Patrick freaked out of course but he didn’t run away and his brain didn’t melt. He mostly couldn’t quite talk for a little while, and then he got really excited and happy, and we’ve basically spent the week dealing with it all. It turns out he’s noticed lots of things about Lucifer and Maze that he couldn’t explain, and he’s found himself sort of believing Lucifer when he says he’s the devil for a while now, but then would talk himself out of it. Getting proof of it all was intense, but his reaction has been less “I can’t believe it” and more “I knew it!” or "that explains it!" He even said that knowing Maze is really truly a demon kind of made his whole world make more sense.
This means I can tell him everything now, though I don’t want to scare him. I mean he’s surprisingly cool with his boss being the Devil, but knowing that Amenadiel aka God’s Fist is actually trying to kill Lucifer is scary enough for me. Patrick is super curious and grilling me constantly though, so I think he’ll know everything soon enough.
April 18
Well, today started with Patrick nearly getting skewered with a copper throwing knife and it just got weirder from there.
We’d had one of those really late closing nights at Lux, like way past legal closing time, where Lucifer played a bunch of sets and stayed down in the club drinking, so there were lots of stragglers that didn’t want to leave, all hoping they’d get to go upstairs. Lucifer finally did go up with a lucky couple of them, but it was so late (early?) by then that Patrick and I crashed in the staff lounge in the back. Which meant we headed out pretty early this morning and that’s when the knife came whistling through the air right at Patrick. I heard it coming and knocked it aside (he’s been calling me “my hero” since he got over the initial freak out), and I knew immediately it had to have come from the penthouse. (Verified that later from the bug recordings— Lucifer was having Maze throw knives at him to see if different metals could hurt him! Seems a little crazy to me.)
We were continuing on our way (I kept the knife) when I spotted Chloe’s car, so of course I had to stay and see why she was there. Patrick headed home and I stayed to follow Lucifer, who went off with Chloe but took his own car rather than ride with her. He was clearly trying to not be too close to her and she didn't know why and it was kind of funny to watch.
It turned out that Chloe wanted Lucifer’s help because the case was supposedly about some so-called “satanic ritual,” as if that goofy human stuff has anything to do with the real Devil. But there was a dead human with “Hail Lucifer” carved into her back, which is really sad, so Lucifer stayed to help with the case— even if he still kept driving his own car everywhere.
The body was in a theatre with a ton of people outside who were chanting “Satan is here” and I thought at first they were cheering for Lucifer but of course it was the opposite, the usual garbage about the Devil being evil that gets Lucifer so upset. It was easy to slip into the crowd and then into the theatre and listen in, at least.
Malcolm showed up, I hadn’t been following him the week before (because wings, Patrick, you know). Malcolm chased out the preacher who was screaming the most about Lucifer being evil, which was good, but then he was way too familiar with Lucifer. Almost like he thinks they’re friends now, even though Lucifer was obviously totally disgusted by him.
Anyway, I heard the address where they were going next and got there ahead of them. I snuck in and looked for a hiding place for listening and found a secret door pretty easily which would have been perfect to just hide behind, but the moment I opened it I knew from the smells it was going to be a place they would need to find. So I hid all the way upstairs in that creepy attic full of supposedly satanic stuff, including really stinky raw chicken, and fortunately they found the door so they could come up and find clues, and fortunately they didn't find me.
Lucifer and Chloe headed to the precinct after that, but I’d heard the name of the boyfriend of the dead girl while they looked around and talked. I called Patrick and told him everything I’d heard, and he got online and found lots of posts on different social media from “Rose and Corazon” who were definitely satanic sweethearts and he found plenty of references to their church and found its webpage (Church of the Dark Prince). So I went ahead and joined up, which was basically just filling out a questionnaire and paying a membership fee. Then I called them and talked my way into a ceremony. They tried to tell me it wasn’t open to newcomers but I told them I’d admired Lucifer as long as I could remember (truth— and true long before he Fell). That, and the fact that I said I spoke fluent Latin on my application did the trick.
Patrick wanted to come with me but I told him if one of these people was a killer I didn’t want him there. And then he said he didn’t want me there in that case, and then I reminded him I’m invulnerable, and he laughed and said ORYAA! which is a thing he started doing that stands for “oh right you’re an angel” because he was saying that all the time. He makes me laugh every time he says it.
Anyway I went to the address they gave me and met all the Satanists and they were nice if a little odd. They asked if I wanted to be part of the ceremony that had some Latin lines because the guy who usually did that part was on a trip in Cabo. So I said sure. And he told me that meant I would get to be Lucifer and that was a big honor.
I’m really glad I agreed, because it turned out Chloe and Lucifer showed up at the ceremony and normally it would not be a good thing to be pretending to be Lucifer and have him walk in…but for the part of Lucifer they had this goat head costume I had to wear!
Pros of wearing the goat head: Lucifer definitely didn’t recognize me, even when he literally shoved me out of his way at one point!
Cons of wearing the goat head: I could barely see through the little eyeholes in the neck, and it smelled funny inside, and it was so tall that when I tried to come in the room I smacked right into the doorway and nearly knocked it off. Fortunately I didn’t set the place on fire because it also had a lit candle on it for some reason.
Poor Lucifer, he hates the goat thing, and the whole ceremony was nuts, like they treated it as if all of Lucifer’s names are different people. But it was totally my big embarrassing entrance that made him storm in and put a stop to it all. I almost cracked up when he pushed me though, because he told me to butt out. (Get it? Butt out? Goat?)
Anyway it was easy to listen in when Lucifer and Chloe talked to the High Priest but they didn’t get much new information. I had to get out of the goat outfit fast to follow them to Chloe’s place and then to a warehouse where it turned out Corazon was dead too, also in a twisted sort of ritualistic way. Really sad.
But the creepy bit was that “Morningstar” was written in red paint all over the crates and things in the warehouse, in this kind of clever way that you could only read it from the correct angle. At that point Dan and Chloe told Lucifer to leave the case because they thought he could be connected to it, and I could tell that hurt his feelings.
I didn’t follow him when he left, partly because I was hiding in the warehouse of course, and there happened to be crime scene techs really close by my hiding place just then. But also, I kind of wanted to wait because Malcolm was there too and I thought I should check on what he was up to. But when he left the crime scene a little while later he surprised me by going straight to Lux!
There were protesters there— the same ones from the theater this morning, and that same preacher who seems to really have it out for Lucifer. He went after Lucifer, who was already upset enough, and railed at him until Lucifer actually grabbed him and held him up in the air and yelled back and I don’t know what would have happened but Malcolm broke it up. And then Malcolm went into Lux and up to the penthouse with Lucifer. It’s like he’s trying to just be friends with Lucifer but it’s creepy and worrying.
So I’ve just been hanging out in the VIS booth, catching up on the crazy day. Lux is closed, so it’s quiet. Once I finish
[ unfinished, followed by hasty scribbled words ]
Malcolm just tore out of the elevator totally panicked I have to follow him
[new page, more messy scrawls ]
Malcolm killed the preacher and left him in Lux
He’s framing Lucifer I know it
[ new page ]
[ shaky writing ]
Sorry Dad sorry I really messed up and shouldn’t have done it but You didn’t want Lucifer to die I’m sure You didn’t really and that’s why I was there
[ new page ]
April 25
I’ve been waiting for Dad to punish me, or to send Michael or Zadkiel to drag me back home, or something. But whatever Dad is doing He is either really not around at all or really doesn’t care or this is all still His plan and I’m doing what He wants me to do. I don’t want this to be His plan! I feel like I really get how Lucifer wants Dad to just leave him alone, but now Lucifer thinks he’s made an actual deal with Dad.
But anyway it’s been a few days since I did probably the stupidest thing I’ve ever done so I have to catch up if I’m not getting smited or whatever.
Last time I got to write properly was when I figured out Malcolm was killing those poor Satanists in some kind of weird homage to Lucifer. Well, I guess I put it together after, especially after I caught up on the recordings from the penthouse, but obviously Lucifer was absolutely horrified and was set to punish Malcolm. But it turned out Amenadiel showed up and fought with Lucifer which let Malcolm escape, and that was when I saw Malcolm run out of Lux, then drag the preacher back in and just shoot him in cold blood. (And the blood of all those people Malcolm killed is on your hands, Amenadiel!!)
It was pretty clear Malcolm was trying to set up Lucifer by leaving the body there and I was going to move it when Lucifer came down, all bruised and bloody from his fight with Amenadiel, to go to the bar. He didn’t even see the body. And then Chloe came in, and she saw it, and tried to arrest Lucifer along with a bunch of other police officers.
The thing is, I’m sure she was trying to help, that she totally didn’t think he did it, but she couldn’t not arrest him in front of the other cops with the body right there. But Lucifer had just given up. It hurt so much to see. He wouldn’t cooperate and then he tried to trick one of the officers into shooting him. Patrick tells me that’s called suicide by cop, and how sad is it that there’s even a name for that?
And it would have worked, except Amenadiel froze time and grabbed Lucifer and hauled him out of Lux. I’ll never tell Lucifer that I saw him get carried like a baby by Amenadiel. I guess that's the one and only good thing Amenadiel has done since coming to earth.
I made a mistake at that point. I should have gone after Malcolm. I could have stopped everything if I had followed him, incapacitated him. But of course I followed Amenadiel and Lucifer and listened in when they landed on a rooftop nearby, because I was sure Amenadiel was going to take him to Hell then and there, and equally sure Lucifer would just let him do it. Lucifer even asked him to.
But Amenadiel at least finally admitted all the crap with Malcolm was his fault and asked Lucifer to help him get Malcolm back to Hell. And Lucifer said yes, but they were definitely still going to Hell after, so I stuck close.
So everyone was looking for Malcolm at that point. I kept trailing Lucifer and Amenadiel, figuring they had the best chance of finding Malcolm anyway. They went to see Linda (who I guess now knows Amenadiel is full of it with the whole Dr. Canaan thing), and then they went to see Neil, the guy who does the great identities (he did my Hans Engel stuff), and then they actually went to the precinct which seemed risky. Somehow all of that led them to a brewery. I have no idea how. I snuck in behind them and got to see them take down a bunch of armed humans without Amenadiel slowing time, and they were actually enjoying themselves. It was actually a really cool fight to watch. Then they split up looking for Malcolm so I looked around for him too.
I’ve pieced together what happened while we were all looking for Malcolm. Amenadiel found him but Malcolm had taken one of Maze’s karambits and stabbed him with it, and then Lucifer found them but must have decided to try to help Amenadiel because he let Malcolm run. I found Lucifer and Menny at the same time Maze showed up, and she took over taking care of Amenadiel so Lucifer could chase Malcolm. I worked out later from recordings that Maze took Amenadiel to the penthouse and healed him with one of Lucifer’s feathers that she had stashed somewhere. I feel a little bad now that I didn’t care at the time that Amenadiel was hurt. Never even considered helping him, I was just focused on Lucifer.
But I stuck with Lucifer. Then there were gunshots and it turned out Chloe was there too. That’s when I made the same mistake again. I stayed with Lucifer because now Chloe was there so if Malcolm or anyone shot him (even Chloe I guess though I was already convinced she was on his side) he could be killed. But I should have gone after Malcolm.
Because that [ enochian curse word ] went and kidnapped Trixie. An innocent child. She must have been so scared.
I don’t want to write any of this, but I have to.
Chloe went to this airplane hangar where Malcolm had Trixie, so she could give him his money to get her daughter back. She made Lucifer promise to let her go alone, but I knew when he promised his promise was to let her go alone and then follow along behind.
Malcolm let Trixie go and told her to run and hide. The child has good instincts because she came straight to my hiding place, which was a really good one obviously. She saw me and was surprised but she didn't scream or anything. I gave her a ‘be not afraid’ and helped her hide.
Then Malcolm shot Lucifer.
I almost attacked Malcolm. [ the words ‘I don’t know’ are crossed out ] No, I think I would have killed him. But Lucifer was dying . He was bleeding so much and he was praying to Dad and I prayed to Dad too but no answer of course.
I had the crazy idea that maybe I’d go down to Hell and help Lucifer come back since he’d be trapped there with no wings.
So I flew down to Hell. I’d never been, but we all know how to get there, of course. I actually flew down before Lucifer was completely dead, I think, though time is so wonky down there it’s hard to tell. And Hell feels as horrible as Lucifer always says and I hope I never go back.
Anyway I was looking for Lucifer and chasing off demons who came close (I was so angry and upset I kind of forgot to be afraid of them and I think that made them think I could beat them easily in a fight but I’m not so sure I really could) when I found it.
Mom’s door.
I don’t know how I knew it was Her in there. But I thought... I had another crazy idea that Mom could help us if Pop wouldn’t.
So I pulled off the chains and opened Her door.
Before I could say a word though, She was gone . She was just Her soul in there of course, no physical body, just light. I think She just travelled instantaneously (or maybe just speed of light but still fast) and didn’t even know I was there.
I went back to looking for Lucifer (knowing I’d have to look for Mom later) and had just headed down another hall of doors when I heard him talking and he said “That can’t be right” and “This isn’t possible.” So I turned back and got a glimpse of him standing in front of Mom’s door but he was holding his Pentecostal coin and then he was gone too.
So I went back up by myself and got to see Chloe shoot Malcolm before he could shoot Lucifer. So Malcolm was dead, and Trixie ran to her mom and that was that.
I just headed home after that. Patrick told me I looked like Hell and I think I kind of laughed hysterically for a long time.
Anyway. Since then, I’ve been telling Patrick about Mom, and catching up on recordings. Lucifer thinks Dad answered his prayer to keep Chloe safe by telling him he’s supposed to return Mom to Hell. And he thinks Dad gave him his Pentecostal coin to get back.
I think he’s wrong. I think the coin returned to him because Malcolm broke the deal about not shooting him! And I think Dad didn’t answer his prayer at all. Lucifer brought himself back and saved his Detective, but he's giving Dad the credit.
I have to decide what to do about Mom. I was ready to talk to Her when I opened Her door in Hell, but now I’m nervous. Of course I also have no idea where She is. I figure She must have occupied a body as it died, like demons do. It’s hard to imagine a human body containing Mom, but She seemed really dim for Her, in the brief glimpse I got. Who knows what all that time in Hell did…?
Lucifer and Amenadiel are going to look for Her for sure, I've heard them talking about it, and they’ve definitely called a truce. Malcolm is back in Hell— and it seems like Dad isn’t going to smite me for letting Mom out.
So…maybe I’ve earned a little vacation time with Patrick. He’s due some days off, we could go somewhere nice.
After all, he did ask if we could do it with my wings out the whole time, and it would be nice to do that someplace roomier than our apartment so I don’t accidentally wreck any more furniture.
I guess things are going to be okay.
Chapter Text
August 18
Okay, whoops, I can’t believe what an idiot I am but I have my diary back so I’ll catch up, now that I know what happened.
Patrick and I did get our vacation, and it was amazing. We ended up going to the Philippines because of my wings. Patrick was admiring the colors and told me I look like a tropical bird. So of course I told him, yeah, a Handsome Sunbird. But of course he didn’t know that every angel’s wings are represented in a bird somewhere, which was an idea Lucifer had back when the twins were creating things off Dad’s blueprints. (Which was a sweet thing to do, except for that whole thing with Jophiel and the dodo but they got past that.)
Anyway the bird with wings most like mine is called the Handsome Sunbird (a name humans came up with without even knowing I’m Heaven’s handsomest!). We looked up a picture, but then decided to take our vacation in the Philippines to try to see the actual bird. So we flew Air Engel and had a fantastic trip and we saw lots of sunbirds and found a Handsome Sunbird on the last day.
[margin note with an arrow to Air Engel: meaning I flew us!]
But I forgot my diary in the chaos of leaving (I was too busy reassuring Patrick with stuff like that I wouldn’t fly so high he couldn’t breathe!) and when we got home it wasn’t where I had left it. And Patrick had arranged for a friend to water the plants while we were gone so I thought maybe she took it and worried myself sick that either I’d have to ask Patrick to accuse a friend of stealing, or that she would read it and I don’t know, tell the police I’m a lunatic stalker because I’m sure that’s how this reads.
Then finally Patrick asked me why I’d stopped writing in my journal all the time like I used to and I had to tell him it was missing and was there any chance his friend had found it. Patrick looked really embarrassed and it turns out right before we left he saw it sitting out and did the very thoughtful thing of hiding it so his friend wouldn’t read something private.
So that’s how my diary ended up spending weeks cozied up with Saint Val’s bones.
August 28
I’ve caught up on all the penthouse recordings, after the backlog that built up while we were in the Philippines. Lucifer and Amenadiel have apparently just been working through a list of all the people who supposedly died around the time Mom left Hell, so obviously they also think she did a demon-style jump to a freshly dead human. They’ve been searching around LA, but she could have ended up anywhere on earth, right? Lucifer said on one of the recordings that he thought maybe she would be drawn to LA in response to their celestial signatures, which could be, I guess? He also thought Mom might be coming to kill him! Which is crazy, she would never! He didn’t see how sad she was after he got thrown into Hell.
September 2
Still so sign of Mom. Maybe she’s not on earth at all? But she couldn’t have gone back to Heaven, right? She’s banished just like Lucifer, at least that’s what Dad said when he sent her to Hell. Which, I’m finally going to say it–
That was a really harsh thing to do, Pop. We all miss Mom.
September 19
I’ve been following Lucifer and Amenadiel on their search for Mom from their list of should-be-dead people. The guy they found today—the last one on their list—was in the middle of robbing a bank. Lucifer’s approach to all of these people is some variation of “I know it’s you, Mum!” and it’s hilarious to see the different expressions on their faces when he does. Amenadiel froze time for this one since it looked like he was going to shoot them. Lucifer stripped the guy, took his gun, gave him a tiara, and tied his shoes together. Good thing I was watching from outside, because I would not have been able to fake being frozen with the humans during all that. As it was I nearly laughed out loud.
Lucifer is convinced Mom should be here in LA because he thinks she’s mad at him. What if she’s not here at all?
So a weird sad thing happened tonight. Nothing to do with celestial drama for once. Patrick and I were going to see our friends Poppy Sickles and Vicki Tory do their drag show and so we took a bus to Trans Mystique. I was standing right up front, ready to get off at our stop, when the bus driver started hitting on me (which doesn’t mean actual hitting, it’s an expression for someone who is showing overt sexual interest). Lots of humans hit on me, I’ve realized now that Patrick has pointed out a lot of examples. I don’t really mind, it’s to be expected probably (Heaven’s handsomest!), but Patrick definitely doesn’t like it. But he reacts by putting an arm around me or otherwise showing we’re together which is fine by me!
Except this time, the bus driver was distracted and I was looking out the front window and saw this heavy-set man back right into the street yelling something, and I called out a warning but it was too late and the bus hit him. He was killed on the spot and we never got to the show because of course the police came and we had to give statements and everything.
I felt bad, because it was sort of my fault since the driver was paying attention to me, but Patrick pointed out it’s the guy’s job to drive safely no matter what. (Was his job, I guess. Probably not anymore.) But still, that other poor human died. I wonder what he was yelling about?
September 23
Followed Lucifer and Chloe a couple days ago to a crime scene. There was a dead woman with metal “horns” stuck in her skull and Lucifer was sure it’s a message from Mom. I thought that was a stretch but Lucifer really is worked up about this. Eventually he did decide the case had nothing to do with Mom, but only after a lot of investigating. One cool thing, there is a new human on the team named Ella who seems really sweet.
Oh, and Maze came back yesterday, with perfect timing as some guy involved with the case tried to stab Lucifer right in Lux. Not that Chloe was around so Lucifer wouldn’t have gotten hurt, but good to not let anyone stab him on general principles.
Anyway, going to Lux tonight while Patrick’s working. If Lucifer doesn’t get a lead on where Mom ended up, I wonder if I should tell anyone back home. Does Michael know she’s out of Hell? Of course I’d be too scared to go tell Michael that news! Maybe Azrael?
_______
MOM IS HERE!!
Lucifer went up to the penthouse (alone) and I went in back to listen to the bug and heard him playing the piano up there. I flew up to the balcony to listen, which I admit I do a lot, I love hearing him play and the sound from the bug just isn’t that good.
While he was playing, a woman came out of the elevator and it was Mom!
I dove off the balcony so fast it’s lucky my wings were out or I might have splatted right into the ground before I got them out.
[margin note: Like Amenadiel hitting a bridge!]
I wasn’t sure why I felt the need to dive off so fast, it was total instinct, but I guess that I’m not at all sure my glamor would fool Mom, even in a human body. And I was totally ready to talk to her when I let her out—I was planning to ask for her help after all—but now I’m nervous. Maybe listening to Lucifer expecting her to arrive in a murderous rampage is getting to me.
September 24
So I listened to last night’s recordings, and learned that Lucifer was right about one thing. Mom was definitely looking for him, it sounds like she hopped through a number of bodies that kept dying on her, until she found the one she’s in and finally made her way to Lux. She said she wanted to repair their relationship but Lucifer wasn’t really buying it. I believe her though.
Today they retraced where Mom has been in this body. I followed from a safe distance, so I couldn’t really hear a lot. At one point she took all of her clothes off right out on the street! I could tell Lucifer was freaking out a little (even though it’s totally the kind of thing he’s been known to do!) but have no idea why she did that.
Then Lucifer left Mom with Maze!!?! I mean, he told Maze she wasn’t allowed to torture Mom but those two together seemed like a dangerous combination to me. While Lucifer was out I listened in and they pretty much sniped at each other nonstop. Maze really, really wanted to torture Mom. Mom, for her part, sounded mostly bored and a little annoyed, clearly not afraid of Maze.
But then Maze brought up that Lucifer thinks he has a deal with Dad to send Mom back to Hell, and Mom definitely sounded worried after that. Then there were sounds I didn’t understand until later, when I heard the recording where Maze told Lucifer Mom had head-butted her.
(I laughed when I heard that. Go, Mom!)
I heard the elevator though, and no new voices, so I went to see if they were going somewhere, and of course it was only Mom. She ended up going to a grocery store and I waited until she came out with a cart full of cheese. I was up on a roof, which was good because I saw Lucifer drive in to the parking lot, and he seemed to be watching another car, and then Chloe drove in behind Lucifer. So when a guy got out of the car Lucifer was watching clearly intending to kill Mom (well, her human body), I could just sit and watch while Lucifer stopped him, and then let him go so Chloe could chase him.
Later on Mom made Lucifer “cheesy noodles” which explains all the cheese. She said it was to bring him joy, but Lucifer is still angry that Mom didn’t stop Dad from sending him to Hell. I hope they can figure things out. I mean, I was surprised Mom let that happen too, but I always figured she was afraid of what Dad would do to her. It wasn’t that long before he sent her to Hell too, after all.
Patrick has been asking me a ton of questions about Mom. I hate to have to tell him about the plagues and stuff, because I want him to like Mom. But Mom doesn’t really care about humans, so maybe that’s not fair. Anyway, I promised him I’d answer questions tonight so I’ll finish up for now.
Chapter Text
October 10
Woke up kind of late today and found Patrick giggling like crazy, and he played back part of the last recording from the penthouse. It was Lucifer and a woman and I told him again that I do not need to hear my brother having sex but he kept saying no, I had to hear it…
And then I heard Mom!! I was horrified just hearing her but I can’t even imagine how poor Lucifer felt! Patrick cracked up again at my expression.
Thank Dad the human left before anything else happened. Mom did say she wants to see Amenadiel. Lucifer pointed out that Menny is the one who took her to Hell and he’d probably do it again the moment he saw her, and I agree. She should stay clear of Amenadiel.
Lucifer went out on a case today but I stuck around to keep an eye on Mom, but it’s a little tricky. I could hear her moving around in the penthouse, and figured out that I can tell if she’s going downstairs or leaving Lux if I hear the elevator ding. Today I followed her and she got some guy (no idea who he was) to take her to the precinct! She wasn’t there long (I bet Lucifer chased her out) and then she went shopping.
I have to admit, I feel really weird about watching Mom. Partly because I really really want to go talk to her, I’ve missed her a lot. But if she knows I’m here, then I’m sure Lucifer will find out. And I bet Lucifer would let me stay (right? I mean I’ve been totally stalking him along with my pal Suki but only for good reasons and I don’t think he’d really be mad). But I worry about two things. If Maze finds out I’ve been fooling her she might want to kick my butt on general principles. But even worse, if Amenadiel finds out that I’m here I’m sure he’d make me go home.
Also, neither Mom nor Amenadiel would approve of what I’m doing with Patrick, so not worth the risk.
So I just flew up high and was really bored most of the day.
Tonight Mom actually came down to the club and danced on a table, though, so that was kind of funny. Lucifer pulled her off though, and something she said got him mad enough that I saw his eyes flash with hellfire. Pretty sure they were talking about Dad. But I have to stay back so far from Mom because I’m worried she’ll sense me or see through my glamor that I couldn’t really catch much.
Wonder what she said?
October 11
Amenadiel came looking for Lucifer and found Mom!! I heard it all through the bug. He didn’t recognize her at first, but once she told him she actually said he could take her back to Hell!
The crazy thing is— he didn’t do it. I mean, I thought he would no matter what, and when she basically told him to go ahead…!?!
But they just talked. Mom talked about missing all of us, and how no one ever got to hear her side of what happened with Dad. And that she forgave Amenadiel for taking her to Hell because she knew that was an order he couldn’t defy.
And though all of it, Amenadiel was just (never thought I’d say this) reasonable.
Then Lucifer came home and found them (he found Amenadiel first and immediately assumed Amenadiel had taken her to Hell). When Lucifer asked why he hadn’t, I couldn’t believe what Amenadiel said. Quote: “My time on Earth has helped me to realize that Father has a tendency to overreact.”
WTH?? Since when does Amenadiel say anything Dad has ever done is wrong? It’s weird and I don’t actually think Amenadiel is going against Dad, he hasn’t got a rebellious feather in all his plumage if you ask me, even though Lucifer seemed kind of hopeful. I think there is definitely more to the story though.
But anyway, Lucifer is pretty dead set against sending Mom back, but he thinks he has a deal with Dad (you don’t Luci it was me I wish I could tell you!). So instead he says her punishment is to live the life of the human whose body she occupied. Which is pretty clever, but that’s Lucifer.
October 13
Lucifer finally got a phone.
October 17
Mom has been learning how to act human and is it bad to say it’s really funny sometimes? I mean I’m the first to admit I was totally clueless when I came down here (and yes, Patrick, I’m still clueless about a lot of stuff but I’m learning!).
I know Mom had tried to cook for Lucifer before with all the cheese, and now she’s trying to do it for the human family she has to live with, but she didn’t know what an oven was so she’s been trying to cook food by smiting it! That has definitely not been working very well. But it's also hilarious.
[sticky note of a sketch of food being smited]
October 17, continued
So something is definitely going on with Amenadiel. He showed up at Lux after Chloe, Mazikeen, Linda and Ella all went out to a ticky bar(?) for a girls’ night. I’m glad I didn’t follow them because it was more important that I heard Amenadiel and Lucifer talking.
[margin note with arrow to crossed-out “ticky”: Patrick says Tiki and he’ll take me to one sometime]
Amenadiel started riding Lucifer about letting Mom stay on earth, saying Lucifer broke a deal [ margin note: There’s no deal!!] and there will be ‘consequences.’ But Amenadiel’s the one who didn’t take her back like a week ago. Don't just complain about, do something! Except I don't want her to go back, so really, it's more like don't do anything and just shut up about it, Menny.
But here's the thing. When Lucifer asked why Amenadiel doesn’t just fly Mom back to Hell, Amenadiel flipped out, banging on the bar and yelling that he can’t.
Does he mean he can’t take her back… or that he can’t fly?
October 18
Okay I need sleep but just wanted to finish up writing about yesterday. I think I really need to be paying close attention to Amenadiel again because something is definitely up.
Lucifer was just drinking with Amenadiel (who was totally getting tipsy, which I didn’t think he even could) when Lucifer got a call from Chloe. (I would have known it was her just from his expression even if he didn’t sing out ‘De-tec-tive!’ like he does. Which is kind of cute— not that I’d tell him that!)
I followed Lucifer and Amenadiel out to some club where they met Dan, so obviously it was about whatever case they’re working on. I went in and danced (since there women there kept asking me to) which let me watch Amenadiel who was also dancing. More or less. He really can’t dance.
But here’s the thing. Amenadiel got drunk. Like stumbling drunk, and when Lucifer and Dan left they had to wake him from where he was asleep in a chair.
But it’s hard to get drunk. Lucifer complains about it all the time, and I definitely have to drink way more than a human would to get tipsy, and it wears off fast. (Patrick thinks the celestial metabolism thing is an unfair advantage but also says I should be totally making money off drinking games since I look like I should be a lightweight.)
Anyway, why was Amenadiel so smashed?
It makes me wonder if he has some kind of vulnerability/mortality thing going on too. Not connected to Chloe, obviously, since she wasn't nearby.
Going to bed but have to think about this more for sure.
Oct 18 continued
Maze is going to be roommates with Chloe!! I guess they really had fun on their girls night. I don’t think they’re dating though.
Heard that news on the penthouse bug (Lucifer did not seem to be a fan of the idea), but then things got even more interesting.
[margin note: When we listen in, Patrick sometimes says “look out, the chandeliers have ears!” and he finally explained there’s a saying that “the walls have ears” which just means someone could be listening so that makes it even funnier]
So it turns out Amenadiel hadn’t known exactly why Lucifer made the deal he thinks he made with Dad, that it was to save Chloe. Well Lucifer told him and Amenadiel started arguing that if Lucifer broke the deal by not taking Mom back to Hell, then Dad could decide to take Chloe. I wanted to scream at him to shut up because there is no deal but if he gets Lucifer worried about Chloe maybe he’ll change his mind about Mom?
October 19
So Chloe got in a car accident yesterday, which is really creepy timing after what Amenadiel was talking about. Has to be a coincidence, right? Dad wouldn’t hurt her— she’s His Miracle after all, right? Even if He found out Amenadiel messed up the blessing which I still think could be true, He wouldn’t kill her. Right? Anyway, it wasn’t even that bad an accident and she’s fine.
October 24
[written in big block letters in a shaky hand]
WHAT THE FUCK? URIEL IS HERE??
I am freaking out.
I was watching Lucifer and Chloe work on a case today and I was feeling weird all day, just jumpy and out of sorts. Then Uriel walked right past the building where the crime scene was, and then flew up to a roof. Not the roof I was on, thank Dad!
Lucifer obviously saw him too, because I saw him come hurrying out onto the street, just as I dropped down flat as a rug hoping Uriel didn’t see me. I just stayed down— but I heard them. Lucifer must have gone up to that other roof because they sounded pretty close and I could hear what they were saying clearly.
And what Uriel said… it was so bad!
He said he caused Chloe’s car accident and that if Lucifer didn’t give him Mom he’d ‘finish what he started’ with the accident! That was a threat to a human… to Dad’s Miracle! What the HELL Uri? And I don’t care if he pretends that messing with patterns doesn’t count as a threat. If he changes a pattern knowing that someone will die as a result, then he is still the killer!!!
And the other thing that makes me really nervous is that Uriel said it was all about Lucifer’s deal with Dad. He totally implied he was acting on Dad’s behalf but that’s a lie since there is no deal! So for him to say that means he must have been either watching Lucifer or talking to Amenadiel. I’m not sure which would be worse. But if he has been watching Lucifer…and I haven’t noticed…has he already seen me?
Lucifer wants to have Amenadiel scare off Uriel and I guess that’s a good idea.
October 25
I guessed right. Amenadiel can’t fly, and he is vulnerable all the time— because apparently he’s fallen! (and he totally deserves it)
He went to face Uriel, and I followed to watch (I stayed way back). Amenadiel was posturing and insulting Uri and telling him to go home, and I thought it was weird because Amenadiel is usually a punch-first-pontificate-later kind of angel. Well Uriel thought so too. Because all of a sudden he punched Amenadiel and Amenadiel went down! Uri pretty much wiped the rooftop with Amenadiel, who never even unfurled once during it all. Amenadiel went back to Lux with his tail between his legs. Lucifer came back a little while ago and found him there, and I heard Amenadiel admit to Lucifer he’s lost all his powers.
And later, Mom offered to go back to Hell because she thinks Uriel won’t give up and I’m sure she’s right. It’s all such a mess.
So now Lucifer is trying to protect Chloe from anything Uriel might have set in motion. I don’t know how to help. Should I pray to Uri, tell him there’s no deal? He’ll be so angry if he knows I let Mom out, but if it stopped this whole mess it would be worth it, right?
[hasty scribble]
Patrick overheard a call from Lucifer to Maze about meeting in some church. He looked up the address of what he was pretty sure he heard for the name of the church and texted that to me, so I’m going to go check it out. I'm betting he's going to confront Uriel there so I want to be there.
October 26
[a blank page with the date and just two words]
He’s gone.
[and a few spots where it looks like the page was damp]
October 27
I couldn’t do anything. It was so stupid. I found the church. I could hear them fighting. I was ready to just show myself no matter what. Break up the fight if I could, or stand by Lucifer. So I was flying down fast toward the doors of the church.
I was about to slow to land when something, some big heavy wooden something, came flying out through the stained glass window and hit me. Or I hit it. Or both. I collided with it so hard.
I’ll never know which one of them threw it, but it had to be a celestial from the force.
It knocked me out cold.
When I woke up, I was covered in shattered stained glass, and my head hurt so much. And inside, there was nothing to find but a wrecked church and a lot of blood. And no one there. I had no idea if they were still fighting but somewhere else... I just had no idea.
Until I went home and listened to the chandelier bug while Patrick made me put ice on my head but I didn't care that it hurt when I heard Lucifer get back and I heard Mom cry and Lucifer cry.
Uriel is gone.