Chapter Text
I looked at all the letters my best friend had sent me since she ran away last year. I had managed to keep them secret from my parents all this time. Truth be told my home life has only been getting worse since I came out, my Dad didn’t seem to care but Mom. She humored me, yes. She called me ‘Sayori’ like I wanted at least sometimes, she bought me new clothes after Dad said he would if she didn’t. All things considered she was civil about it. Until March third. When Dad.. passed away. She just lost it, she’s treated me like dirt ever since, she burned my clothes, deadnamed me exclusively, took almost everything from my room. That’s when I decided I was going to follow my best friend’s footsteps. I told her in a letter seven months ago that when the traveling lamplight circus returned to the next town over I would be joining her. The circus is where she went, at least according to the letters. And given how enthusiastically she’s entertained my decision, I believe her. She told me to show up the night before it leaves, and that’s tomorrow. One more day with my Mom. One more day in hell.
I woke up around noon as I tended to do most Saturdays, after eating a thrown together breakfast while my Mom was out in the garden and choosing to spend the rest of my ‘morning’ packing up my few belongings into my backpack besides the hoodie I was going to put on after I was gone so Mom couldn’t give an accurate description of what I was wearing, I shoved them under my bed and finally stepped out into the living room.
“You’re up late, Saito.”
She said, not taking her eyes off the tv while she acknowledged me. “Yeah.” I replied, sitting down next to her, I was still thinking over my escape in my head. It would probably take at least two hours to get to the next town over on foot, so I need to leave early, but not too early so she’ll think I’m asleep.. it’s not gonna be easy. I can barely walk home from school without being winded, but I’m determined.
“You’ve got that look on your face… thinking about Roary..?” Caught off guard I nod my head, truthfully I had tried to stop thinking about Dad a long time ago, it only made me spiral, but it was far better than ruining everything and telling the truth. She reached out and patted my shoulder, still refusing to look at me, she hardly ever looked at me anymore. “I’m sorry Saito. I miss him too, more than anything….” And here come the tears, all they did was fight, she had no right to cry over him.
When night came I waited for her to go to bed, making sure I could hear her snore before I pulled my bag and hoodie out from under my bed, sitting on the edge and thinking over everything. I checked over my room one more time to be sure I didn’t leave any traces. I took a deep breath, slung my hoodie over one shoulder and my backpack over the other and slowly, carefully opened my window…. And out I went! Out into the free world. It was dark but I knew the way. I'd taken extra care over the past few months to watch the sides of the road whenever Mom dragged me with her to the liquor store there. I was already starting to get tired by the forty five minute mark so I decided to stop and don my disguise, I sat behind a tree and slipped the dark green hoodie on, good thinking me, it’s getting cold anyway, when I pulled the hood on I felt my hair brush my fingers, so short.. I had it grown down past my chest before, before that witch lopped it all off. The memory only made my resolve stronger that I was doing the right thing.
That’s when a memory hit me that put a smile on my face, my bow. The one piece of feminine clothing I was able to hide, a small red hair bow, I dug it out of my bag and clipped it in my hair. Perfect. I put the hood back up, took a deep breath, and continued.
By the time I reached the town square my legs ached, they were far from prepared for this, maybe I should’ve gotten in shape in the last few months instead of moping. After taking a light breather on a bench, trying not to let the cold October breeze get to me, I set off for the edge of town, ready to see the lights.
Before long I could see it, the tip of the big top over the trees, I ran. Despite my fatigue, I ran! It was beautiful. Simply beautiful, oil lighting was the only thing used to light up the tent and area around it. It looked like heaven to me. Knowing I had no money, I decided to slip in around the back, it was so much prettier on the inside, the smell wasn’t amazing but the animals they kept were surely to blame for that. I walked the laid out path, looking for anyone who looked like a member of staff.. Ah! I flagged down an older snowy man in what looked like a one piece striped swimsuit that matched the tent. “Excuse me sir! Can you help me?”
“Yes of course sir!”
His voice boomed, yeah he was definitely a performer. I cringed at how he referred to me before I continued, “I’m here for Natsuki Kimura, do you know where I can find her?” I asked, he scratched his chin, “Uhhh, I know the name.. Oh! Yes she’ll be right over there!” He pointed to a small white and green striped tent off to the side of the big top. “Thank you!” I called back to him as I set off in that direction, “Any time!” He replied.
I stepped inside the entrance fold of the tent and saw a familiar mop of unkempt pink hair on the shoulders of a girl knelt down in front of a big wooden box, I quietly approached and when she stood up I cleared my throat. She jumped and turned around before gasping and dropping the can of whipped cream she’d taken out of the box,
“Sayori!? You really came!?”
She wrapped me in an unexpected hug, woah, that’s new! She always fought against and complained about my hugs before. I decided not to overthink it and just hugged her back. When she pulled away she looked at me seriously, “Are you sure you want to leave it all behind?” She asked, “Nat, there’s like, nothing good to go back to, I’m positive.” I replied, she squeezed my shoulder, “Alright, let’s take you to Kim and get you employed!” And suddenly she was leading me by the wrist. “Kim?” I asked as we left the tent, “The Ringleader, big soft dude.” She explained while we passed the big top and went to a small trailer parked behind it to the left, she knocked a few times on the door and a strange throaty voice replied. “Come in!” And in we went, “Kim, we’ve got another runaway, meet Sayori.” The older gentleman smiled under his mustache and leaned over his fold out desk to kiss the hand I held out for him to shake, “Why, Sayori! The very same little lady you have me send out those letters to?”
He looked to Natsuki and she nodded, “Well! Any friend of miss Kimura is a friend of mine! Welcome to the family!” He leaned back and I couldn’t help but beam at him, “Oh, her Mom lives nearby so it’s best to keep her out of the spotlight for a bit, she just left tonight.” Natsuki said quickly, Kim made a fist under his nose and nodded slowly, “Well you girls will need to train her anyway, and don’t worry, I’ll make sure she disappears clean, just like the rest of you.” “You girls?” I asked, “Oh yeah, I should take you to meet the others! C’mon!” Natsuki grabbed my wrist again and started out the door, “Thank you!” I called to Kim as we walked away.
“How many more are there?” I asked, “Two.” Natsuki replied, “They should be at the clown tent.” She continued, “Clown tent..?” I replied, “Yep! Runaways get to be clowns, that’s how it goes, you cool with that?” She asked as we approached a tent not much bigger than the one I found Natsuki in, but it was red like the big top. The thought of myself in clowngirl attire honestly made me really happy, “Yes!” I answered with a smile, it felt so good to smile for real. We burst into the tent and both of the girls inside nearly jumped out of their skin.
“Ladies! We got a new roomie!” Natsuki screeched, “This is my childhood best friend Sayori, she’s going to be joining us from now on!” She continued, I waved nervously, “Okay, Say this is Yuri Yoshida, My girlfriend-“ she pointed at the lanky girl with long purple hair and nudged me in the side with her elbow, the girl who Natsuki was apparently dating- WOAH -waved at me and smiled behind her hair, “-And that’s Monika, she’s been here the longest so she kinda runs things with us.” The red headed girl walked over to me, she was the only one of them actually in clown makeup, rosie red cheeks, nose and lips with some green triangle eye decorations that matched her eyes standing out from a pale white painted face. She held out a hand and I took it to shake,
“Sayori..?”
She paused, waiting for my family name, “I, uh..” thinking about keeping the name my Mom has made my blood boil, “I prefer.. just Sayori.” I finished, she smiled. “I prefer just Monika too.” She replied before she pulled her hand away and clapped twice, “ALRIGHT CHUCKLEHEADS WE’RE ON IN HALF AN HOUR GET READY!!” She shouted, it startled me enough that Natsuki had to catch me. “Here, you’re probably stressed after today, sit down.” She pulled up a barrel for me to sit on, I watched as she skipped over to Yuri and kissed the back of her head while she was applying her makeup while Monika changed into a poofy skirt in the corner that matched her crop top. I couldn’t help but smile, Natsuki seemed so happy here, it made me happy to see her in a better state then she was with… him. But it also gave me hope. Maybe I can be happy here too.
In only a few minutes they had all changed and looked like full fledged clowns. It was impressive, “Okay.. let’s do it! Last night in town let’s make it good!” Monika led the way out of the tent and Yuri followed, Natsuki stopped and pulled me to my feet, “Go get in the audience dummy! Catch a whiff of the shit you’ll be smelling full time!” And off she went. I giggled at her phrasing and made my way into the big top, taking an empty middle row seat.
“LADIES AND GENTLEMEN I HOPE YOU’RE READY TO LAUGH!!”
I heard Kim’s voice boom from the center of the tent where he stood on a wooden platform,
“GENTLEMEN I HOPE YOU LEFT THE MRS. AT HOME! THAT’S RIGHT! IT’S THE MAGNIFICENT CLOWN TRIO! COME ON OUT LADIES!”
I watched as they came running in one after another, making a couple loops around the tent before landing in the middle of the spotlight, Monika last with a cartwheel leading into a bow as the crowd applauded. Monika turned around and poked Yuri in the shoulder hard before miming a spinning motion with her hands, Yuri nodded and trotted off a few feet away and pulled out.. a knife..!? Woah! And another! I gasped as she tossed one in the air and began juggling them, I couldn’t stop myself from clapping with the rest of the audience. It wasn’t until she was up to six knives that I realized Monika and Natsuki were doing something! They looked like they were silently arguing for a moment before Natsuki reeled back and cracked Monika across the jaw! I gasped despite the sound of a symbol ring hit from somewhere between the show and audience telling me it was part of the performance.
Monika stumbled back and returned the blow with a similar sound effect, Natsuki backed up and ran at her but she put a hand on her forehead leaving her flailing at her and running in place, Monika mimed an exaggerated yawn and the crowd laughed before Natsuki reached up and tore the bow off her top! She gasped while Natsuki laughed hysterically. Monika huffed and rolled up sleeves that didn’t exist before backing up and squaring up her fists, Natsuki followed suit and they ran at each other, making impact and falling backwards like cartoons while it sounds like someone was very angry with a drum set.
They both stood up and put hands on the backs of their heads bashfully before shaking hands with their eyes closed, but! Natsuki opened her eyes and put a shushing finger to the audience before Monika pulled her into a hug, she pulled out a big red pair of scissors and snipped the air twice, a few children in the audience shouted for Monika to watch out but Natsuki was quick, cutting a line up Monika’s skirt with only two snips, as she pulled away and fell over laughing Monika covered her mouth in exaggerated shock as her skirt fell to the ground to reveal her equally poofy and non-revealing goofy undergarments. She quickly yanked up the skirt and tied it with a ribbon before pulling out two pink and green balloons and blowing them up, shaping them into floppy swords and tossing the pink one at Natsuki’s side. Their battle was glorious! All around the big top until! Seemingly not paying attention they knocked Yuri over on her stomach, the knives, which I hope are plastic! Came down all around them, they helped her up and dusted her off like gentlemen before continuing their spat, around and around and all the way out of the tent while Yuri collected her props, it was a moment before a hand, lit by a smaller spotlight, poked back into the tent and snapped twice and Yuri looked over and ran out herself!
The crowd cheered and whistled and laughed while Kim came back out,
“AREN’T THEY HOOT FOLKS? WELL STAY IN YOUR SEATS BECAUSE NEXT UP IS NAGUSAMI THE BEARDED LADY SINGING US SOME BEAUTIFUL OPERA!”
I stood up and made my way back to the clown tent, clapping as I entered. “You guys were great!! Woo!!” Monika and Natsuki did a deep bow and Yuri bowed her head, “Once we get out of all this we’ll show you to the RV!” Natsuki started but stopped when Kim cleared his throat behind me, “Excuse me miss Sayori! May I speak to you in my trailer please? I’m afraid it’s rather important and I don’t have much time between acts.” I looked to Natsuki and she gave a reassuring nod, “Sure.” I replied and followed him, he looked a lot different in his ‘uniform’ he was bald but he wore a long curly gray wig, the purple suit made him look a little slimmer than he was, and the bush a dosen shades too strong on his cheeks and nose really changed his face. When we arrived he sat down. “Okay miss Sayori, just got a question for you, would you like to die or disappear?” He asked, “What!?” I tensed, he laughed.
“Oh sorry that sounds too ominous ha! I meant would you prefer that Mr. Saito Tanaka die, or just disappear, officially of course.” He smiled, I felt tense and fidgety, how did he know my full name!- oh wait, he said he mails the letters for Natsuki.. the first few would have my deadname.. okay… “What do you mean..?” I asked, “Of course!” He wiped his forehead on his glove, “Well, I’m talking about making you a part of our family long term! Miss Kimura for example disappeared, while miss Yoshida and Monika, they died.” He stood up and immediately sat back down, “I should say! Dying means I’d need to pull a tooth! Not an important one, just a wisdom tooth if you got 'em. And get some fingerprints. Disappearing is easier, no involvement of you needed, just giving you the choice.” Oh, oh. He’s talking about me ‘disappearing’ so people stop looking for me eventually. “Uh, disappearing is fine!” I replied, “You got it ma’am that’s the last you’ll hear of it! I best get back now, have a wonderful night.” And he ushered me out and returned to the big top.
Natsuki was waiting for me outside the clown tent, no makeup anymore, and lead me to an RV parked behind the bigger tent next to it, Yuri was already inside and I could hear water running, Natsuki sat me down on the couch, “Okay, there’s six bunks but we each use one for storage, I usually sleep in Yuri’s with her anyway so you can take mine tonight and on the road tomorrow I’ll clean my shit out of my storage bunk and it’s yours!” I nodded, “Thanks Nat.” I hugged her tight and she returned it, “Anything for you sis.” She pulled away when the water noise stopped, “Monika will be out in a sec and we’ll have some post show fun!” She poked my shoulder and I smiled.
All three of us were on the couch when Monika walked out with wet hair in more casual night clothes, oh my god. I hadn’t seen her out of her makeup yet, holyyy pretty. Like really pretty woah. She had so many freckles that patterned her face and complimented her eyes, those big green eyes, she wasn’t just pretty. She was beautiful. “Sayori?” I barely heard a voice calling as I was too focused on her.. confused face..? “Just Sayori?” I came back to myself and realized she was talking to me, “Oh! Yeah what’s up!” I replied and she giggled, “Nothing you’re just staring.” She suppressed another laugh and sat down between me and Yuri, “S- sorry you’re just uh,” Natsuki cut me off, “OoOoOo she thinks you’re hot!” She laughed, “I wasn’t gonna say that!! She’s pretty! I was gonna say you’re pretty!” I tried to course correct, Monika smiled, “Aw, I could say the same to you!”
Euphoria. Swimming in an ocean of sickly sweet euphoria.
“So what happens now…..?” I trail off, tearing my eyes off Monika, “Well,” she starts, “After the show the crew will spend the night disassembling everything so we’ll be ready to leave by noon tomorrow, but for us! We’ll be doing some initiation stuff!” She wiggled her fingers in my face, “Oh?” She nodded, “To start off, why’d you run away?” She leaned back as she asked, “Oh! Uhhhh, my, uh, my Dad died a couple months back and he was the only thing stopping my Mom from ruining my life.. transphobia and stuff..” I impulsively tapped my fingers together, “Oh my,” Monika placed a hand on my shoulder, “That’s awful. I’m so sorry.” Natsuki hid her lips and Yuri, who she was snuggled up to, nodded solemnly. “Everyone here already knows mine but I’ll regurgitate it anyway for participation, Papa was a pervert and I couldn’t take it anymore.” Natsuki picked at her teeth with her pinky as she spoke, “What about you Yuri?” I asked, “Oh, she can’t talk.” Natsuki said, “Mute.” Monika added, “Oh!” Was all I could say.
“But I’ll answer for her if I mayyy?” Natsuki ran a finger down Yuri’s jaw, Yuri nodded. “Homophobic, ablest, shithead parents kicked her out and she found her way here.” Natsuki said, hugging onto her tighter with every word. “I’m so sorry.” I replied but Yuri hung her head and raised a hand to wave me off, “Monika?” I looked up at her, “…Parents. Is all I’d like to say.” She said flatly, “Oh..” I replied, “Don’t try to crack that walnut Say I’ve been trying for a year and a half she won’t budge.” Natsuki rolled her eyes. “Anyway!” Monika stood up and turned on the TV mounted to the wall, “Got a favorite movie?” She looked at me, “Uhhhh, I like Howl’s moving castle.” I replied, she smiled and sat back down with a remote and searched up the movie.
Natsuki went and swiped Popcorn from one of the stands and we watched the movie, it was nice, this was nice. Mom always said I needed to ‘Grow up and grow a pair’ whenever she caught me watching animated stuff. But these girls were just enjoying it with me. I think I’ll be happy at lamplight.
When the movie was over and it was time for bed Natsuki showed me the privacy zipper on the sides of the bunks while Monika climbed around her up into hers, she told me I’d be taking the one above Yuri’s across from Monika starting tomorrow night. And with that and a goodnight she crawled into Yuri’s bunk and practically on top of Yuri and zipped up their privacy curtain, I zipped up mine and snuggled up into the bright pink sheets.
I was jolted awake around noon the next day by the feeling of the RV hitting a bump. After remembering where I was I unzipped and stepped out into the slim hallway between the bunks, Natsuki was already stood there moving some suitcases out of what would be my bunk, “Morning Sunshine.” She said as she hauled one over by the couch and slid it under, before I could respond I heard Monika yell, “NAT WAKE UP SAYORI SHE’S GOTTA SEE THIS!” I shared a look with Natsuki and walked up the front of the RV where Monika was driving behind a massive trailer. We're in the car train that takes the circus away, yes! “Don’t get too close to the windshield, someone might see you!” Monika said, “Just look.” She finished, pointing at the window on the door out of the RV I peered out the tinted window and gasped, wow Mom was fast. My missing poster was already on a shop window.