No Other Love

by dancinglady33, Joaniesfreckles

Summary:

Helen survived and is combating the consequences of her ill crafted life and relationships. Into the bargain, Christine is also in the process of fighting her own demons. What happens when the two meet by chance? Is it a destined meeting full of virtue, Or will the two falter under the hands of their combined instability?

Notes:

Oh hi hello everyone, here we go again amirite? I can't believe I never realized this pairing was meant to be and I never wrote them before! I think Helen needed a better story, don't we all agree?
Anywho, I hope y'all enjoy this one, and I wanna thank my wife for editing and supporting this fic! Love y'all

Chapter 1: Overture

The innumerable gray clouds created a stark, dreary, lightless place, echoing an exact resemblance to the inside of my mind. Crashing waves bellowed throughout the soulless coastline…

My eyes, fixed on the deep waters…  Step… Step… , my mind was overcome with the need for complete resolution… Step… Step… , my body leading me to my final act…

“Helen?…Helen ?” A distant, but familiar voice rang, snapping me out of my train of thought.

⏤“Helen, where did you go just now?” The voice asked. It was my psychiatrist, Dr. Hughes, appointed to me by a team of crisis members from a nearby hospital after I tried to submerge myself into the depths of the sea for good. 

⏤“I don’t know… “ I responded, trying to convince myself that I didn't feel the same way now that I did then.

⏤ “I’ll repeat the question, why do you think you feel alone?” He asked patiently. 

⏤ “I don’t know…”  I looked at the lit cigarette in my hand.

⏤ “I’ll let you think of an answer to either… Take your time Helen” 

Complete silence lingered for a few seconds as I tried to think about all that had led me to this very moment in time. But I couldn’t think of anything. I heard a faint whoosh from the flame in the lighter being set and the crackling of the end of the cigarette from being lit. With that, it set me right into the thoughts that I hoped would lead me into answers. It was as if I had all of the sudden immersed myself right into the deepest part of my subconscious psyche. The scent of the salty sea and cold breeze called to me at once, like those old tales told by the sailors who had just gotten back onto dry land and had appeared to have drunk too much scotch. The manner in which they would recall and swear that they had been entranced and called to by sirens, smelled the odor of deep dark sea monsters, and saw strange lights now, to me, felt like perhaps these buzzards had all been genuine with their retellings. But they, like me, were unable to face their mysterious candor and tell others of their experiences without being able to bring themselves back there, for them, by alcohol, for me, by a man sitting across from me incessantly pushing for me to find something. 

I allowed myself to be taken up by what was calling me which I hoped would lead me to the ultimate question of why I felt alone. Allowing myself to mindfully wander in my own mind I started to think. When did all my troubles begin? Was it when I married a man, my senior of much too many years, when I was only sixteen? Perhaps it began following my second husband? The third one? Or did it all come crashing down due to Mister Talent himself, Paul Boray? On the other hand… Was I simply putting all the blame on the men that had been in my life? Was it me, had I done something to cause this disaster of a life? Had I let alcohol consume me instead of me, it, and ruined everything? 

I tried to think of everything… Anything. Why couldn’t I fulfill my loneliness in this life of mine? Why didn’t and why do I still not know how to fix this? I suppose the man sitting in front of me with the notepad and pen resting on his thigh might do the trick. Perhaps with his experienced knowledge of Freud, or whomever else knew of the grand cause of loneliness, he could solve the grand enigma that is my mind and my everlasting sense of loneliness, dread, and misery. 

Conceivably, if others were to hear my thoughts right now they’d think I was pitying myself. They’d laugh at my issues and tell me to get a grip. After all, I have nothing to complain about in their eyes. To others, I have money and just a bit ago, I had everything, what else did I need in life? Sure, money certainly wasn’t an issue to me but, although the outside world often thinks it can solve anything and everything, it couldn’t fill the emptiness inside of me. 

Prior to sitting here, I was miserable, I was crying out for help and I didn’t know how to get it. I have always known that so many people wish to be me, to have the privilege and influence I had, and perhaps still have. But I didn’t want to be me, not for the longest time, I wanted to be gone and almost fulfilled that. While it seemed I had everything, that everything was in reality, nothing. I had no love, no warmth, no passion, no drive, no place to go, or desire to move forward. Because money couldn’t, I tried to fill that emptiness with alcohol and a selfish man, but still, it led me to nothing but the cold beach. 

Yet, since that time I don’t think I ever left that beach. I still feel cold, so frigidly cold, from the inside out. From the moment that my attempt met everyone's ears, I could see that some friends have been “worried” about me. While I generally try to not be dismissive of others' feelings and opinions, I can tell that the “worry” of these friends of mine was all just a front. They weren’t worried about me and how I was doing, they were worried about their own character and how they would be perceived if they didn’t show some sort of care to me. Aside from doing that ingenuine act they really couldn’t be bothered by anything besides engaging in thoughts of what to do with their capital finances- which property or opera entrance ticket would prove to be most beneficial in purchase with their money. It was a pitiful worry from each and every one of them and while I knew I was the talk of the town for several months ⏤ and perhaps more still ⏤ I absolutely detest being pitied. 

I sat there, looking at my manicured hand, while the other held the burning cigarette. I kept contemplating what rational answer I could provide to this psychoanalyst sitting across me. 

“You know I…” He looked up, grabbing his notepad and pen, seemingly ready to hear whatever I had to say. “I’ve always… Always felt alone. Even in a room filled with people by the plenty ⏤ Bankers, stockholders, artists, and aristocrats, all different kinds of people with differing, strong personalities ⏤ I’ve always had this unwavering sense of complete solitude within me. The people I would, and sometimes still do surround myself with aren't, by status quo, unfascinating individuals and it’s not a question that others would think that it may be interesting to get to know them, but yet… To me… They’ve always just felt like empty shells. Beneath their main interesting attribute there's nothing inside of them, they're like porcelain crafts, too delicate to really examine because they might break and come out to nothing but broken clay. Perhaps I am being too harsh but I just could never feel any sense of intimacy, which therein left me to feel alone. Though, maybe it was me, maybe I just never belonged to such people or… Maybe I’m just no good with people… At all.” 

⏤ “No good?”

⏤ “I would always get bored. Isn’t that quite shallow of me to say?... Perhaps that’s why I was immediately drawn to Paul. He was different from the rest. He didn’t come from everything and he certainly didn’t have it either. But… Paul, he too wasn’t good for me and he certainly didn’t diminish my sense of utter loneliness either, I know that now.” 

⏤ “Perhaps it doesn’t have to be about where he came from, but his personality, Helen, we as individuals can develop both good and bad personalities no matter the circumstances in which we had lived before or currently live. 

⏤ “That makes sense… Either way, I was too fragile… I still am. I could never be with a man like him, I don’t know what I was thinking…”

⏤ “ You’re very self aware Helen, and that’s not a bad thing. You can take a moment and identify what it is that you need. Think about it, we all have our strengths as well as our flaws… And our flaws can make us seek out and become attached to things, or people, that are no good for us. It is not to say that you were in some way wrong, but by virtue you became attached to Paul. Perhaps though, unlike in other circumstances, this relationship with Paul was a way of showing you there is a pattern that ultimately needs to be stopped.” 

⏤ “I… That does make sense. It probably was”

He was right, Paul wasn’t meant for me, moreover that type of relationship wasn’t good for me one bit. While it has taken a while, I guess it is good to realize that. It’s not like those conclusions were something I discovered automatically after we were through, but the aftermath of everything that had happened truly showed me what reality actually was and the mistakes I had made. Paul was blinded by fame… And selfishness… Deep selfishness, to the point he couldn’t see any of what was going on right in front of his face. I was delusional for thinking that the affair was going to last or would become a different reality to what it was. To fall in love with him and even think of myself as his wife one day was a complete joke. 

I loved… the idea of Paul. I was lonely, bored, and he came into my life at a time where it was easy and almost natural for me to attach myself to him. With years of being unloved I craved the idea of finding genuine love. A younger, more full of life and exciting man seemed to, at the time, promise me that. I dressed him in the best clothes, gave him a new home, and everything under the sun that he needed or desired. Looking back, it was like I had a new puppy for me to entertain myself with. But, life doesn’t work like that, not an enjoyable one that is, and surely relationships can never be sustained like that. Real love cannot be bought, nor even really ever afforded. Real love is a gift that is bestowed upon you, a connection to one another that works in a harmonious way through nourishing adoration, respect, and care. What Paul and I had was not real love, it was a common love charged by mutual attraction, and as it was shown, it wasn’t enough when times got rough. 

Nonetheless, Paul was worried and he did care for me after what happened that fateful night. Though things were never the same anymore after that. Paul tried to stay close to me but… He treasured his music more. Slowly he showed that he didn’t love me and we drifted apart. I suppose the way things panned out was for the best. After all, the last thing I’d ever want was for him to have stayed out of pity. 

And now, well I’m alone in every sense. Victor and I, and the relationship we had set upon quite a time ago is now too a thing of the past. Victor and I just have just recently gotten divorced, we had waited a little while until things had calmed down to continue on with what was ultimately inevitable. Though in that time he did everything to make sure I was alright, he took great care of me and that followed through all the way to his generosity in our settlement. In my eyes and in my heart, Victor will always remain as a good friend. Though we both know that, if given the opportunity to go back in time and truly take a look at our relationship from a different point of view, we should have never been husband and wife. 

At this present time, the days just seem to go on without any general excitement while I try and pick up some interest or hobby to keep myself busy with. My therapist says that for my recovery it's very beneficial for me to have my mind occupied and I try my hardest to follow through with his advice. Knitting, painting, tennis, horse riding, I have been trying and doing it all, mainly by myself. I don’t have any real friends to do these activities with, though on the flip side, I’ve noticed that when someone wants to embrace a cocktail filled night my salon seems to be able to be filled with people by the masses in a jiffy. 

It’s quite strange to me, the human spirit that is. So many people are able to dedicate their time to a social function where no real connection between people occurs, besides I suppose the advancement of some interest one is trying to pursue for their own benefit. Though on the flipside of the coin, so many people are almost entirely unwilling to dedicate even a single ounce of time to confer and assort with their supposed ‘friends’ if there's no benefit for them in the end. I’ve found that, with all things considered, my own employees care more deeply for me and who I am as a person than my bridge guests. 

 

***

 

The night after therapy was as dark as ever, not even the moon could be seen through the blackened, gloomy clouds. The frigid cold was making it hard to go back home. There i’d have to sit by myself in that huge mansion that could only sequester off the immense cold and replace it with heat one room at a time. Though I was racking my brain to figure out something I could entertain myself with in place. I wasn’t hungry and I also wasn’t interested in a night at the movies, a ballet concert, nor really anything similar of sort. I just sat in my limousine, watching aimlessly as the bright lights reflected on the windshield, pondering what, if anything, there could be for me to do. 

⏤ “David” I called my chauffeur.

⏤ “Yes Miss. Wright?” He looked up, our eyes meeting in the rearview mirror. 

⏤ “Take me to Eddie’s” 

His gaze stayed fixated at me, a little longer than usual, it was filled with judgement, I could feel it. I had been trying to stay sober, but every time I’ve gone on and tried, it hasn’t lasted longer than a week. I could see the man's hesitancy, appearingly grappling for a few seconds with what he should do.

⏤ “David… Please”

His eyes fixated back to the busy street, seemingly not that content to follow my directions, nevertheless I was soon situated at the bar top. Once there, it was quite obvious that David wasn’t the only one unhappy with me, yet again, making an appearance at the venue. The bartender too had his fair share of undesirable drunken occurrences with me. Many times he would have to contest giving me another glass whilst I bitterly criticized his decision or assist my chauffeur as he tried to help me get into the limousine to prevent me from radically embarrassing myself in front of the other patrons. I was known for many things, and one of the main ones was being a notorious alcoholic. I am very retrospective and self-aware of my issue, but nevertheless I still continue on with my dysfunctional relationship with liquor. It is the only relationship I can never truly part with. 

I don’t frankly know why I adore this bar in particular as much as I do. It’s not as big as others, though there is a level of sophistication that runs through the place, from its decor to staff to patrons that resolutely draws me in. That coupled with it never being too loud or packed… It was, in a way… Intimate. I could get away from any familiar faces and feel comfortable.

I sat myself, as per usual, all the way at the end of the bar. I liked to be close to the pianist and singer, it felt as if they were keeping me company in some sort of way. Once I was finally situated, Eddie approached me from behind the varnished bar counter.

⏤ “Good evening Miss Helen”  With as much as I paid the bar visits there was no real need for formalities and Eddie had become accustomed to calling me by my first name. “What are you going to drink?”

⏤ “Evening Eddie, the usual” With that he knew that straight bourbon was the way to start. As he began his ritual, I in tandem followed mine. I took off my velvet gloves, finger by finger as I watched the bartender’s process. I wasn’t too surprised to catch him putting a bit of water in my drink. He knew me well, too well perhaps, and recognized that doing so could pull me out a bit further to the bar's eventual cease of service without me becoming asininely inebriated. I didn’t complain nor put up a fight about it, I couldn’t. I knew the intentions behind it were good and coming from care and I wasn’t here to put on some unglamorous show to strangers over the goodwill from someone else.

I sighed as I surrendered myself to this pathetic situation I had, unfortunately, put myself into. I grabbed my cigarette case and lit one up, trying desperately to ignore the intense sadness this circumstance was bringing me. Soon enough, Eddie appeared once again and placed a glass of the iced spirit in front of me before quickly making his way back to the other patrons. I muttered a thanks and took a swig, finally feeling that familiar burning sensation that I had so desperately longed for. 

I closed my eyes for a few seconds, taking in the slight amount of bliss the spirit was bringing me, and then placed the cup back down on the wooden bar. Now, appearingly more awakened, I started to examine my surroundings. It wasn’t something that I typically did, or even really cared to do, but… I guess I had time tonight, and I was alone, so I hoped it might occupy my mind. I took a long drag out of my fag, exhaling the smoke as I aimlessly observed the place. The gray curtain of smoke covered my eyesight for a brief moment. As that veil of grey started to dissipate my eyes refocused and landed on a woman ways across the bar, nearby to the entrance.

I looked away, back at my drink, yet then, and perhaps it was out of boredom, or the music this time wasn’t that interesting as it usually was, I started to put more of my attention on her for some reason. The first thing that grabbed my attention was her wavy, amber hair. It cascaded so beautifully over her shoulders, like a sunset over a mountain view, with the goldish red and orange hints to it.  I felt green with envy for such loveliness. Apart from my momentary state of covetousness I also became quite inquisitive of her current state. You could tell she was feeling blue by the nature of her body language. She was quite closed off, almost caved into herself and I was barely able to see her frame. She was looking down, with one of her arms laid on the surface of the bar and the other hitched up on her elbow as she partly covered her face with her hand. 

All of a sudden, it seemed as if no one else was in that bar, just her and I alone. I felt an immense feeling of understanding, I saw her. I hadn’t a clue who she was or what kind of person she even was , but I completely understood her demeanor and the reasoning behind her presence here at this bar, taking a drink, seemingly alone. It’s not like I often find myself relating to a stranger, but for some reason, she drew me in.

Time passed and my suspicion was proven to be right, she was all alone. No one sat next to her, no husband, no date, no friends. I wondered if she was lonely… I knew I was. I suppose it was because of the current situation I was going through, and the fact that my loneliness was becoming increasingly burdensome, much more than times before, that I yet again decided to do something I had never done before. I grabbed my belongings and my drink and made my way over to this curiosity of a woman. 

I felt forcibly pushed by a nonexistent force as I made my way over to her. I thought perhaps it was the innate sensibility of female empathy that was doing so,  or the universe pushing two weak women together, or my altruistic sense of being driven to help her even though I couldn’t help myself. Whatever it was, I couldn’t escape it and before I could even have a second to think over what I was doing, there I was in front of her and her head had turned to look up at me. 

The brightest, most enticing blue eyes I had ever seen were now staring back at me. Her oval face was so pale yet there was an intention to bring it some color with the rouge she had applied onto her cheekbones. Her nose was small, her lips were covered and overlined with a deep cherry lipstick, giving a rounder and fuller effect to them. Her lashes were long, coated with a light coat of mascara. I had never quite seen lashes as long as hers, unfortunately the beauty of them had been partially ruined from some subtle tears that had also made some light streaks on her face. I didn’t know what I was expecting to see, but she was certainly a precious woman. My heart ached for her, seeing her like this, so distressed. I felt right then that I was seeing myself… I knew her .

⏤ “Y-Yes?” Her eyes resembled that of a deer in headlights, frightened by my presence and for a moment, I forgot what I was doing. I completely froze in my spot, wondering if I had directly walked myself into an unwelcoming territory and had completely misconstrued her isolation as unwanted rather than wanted. After all she might just have come here to be on her own because she wanted to be. 

⏤ “Hi, I’m sorry if I seem intrusive… But I just happened to see you all by yourself, and I am also by myself… And you looked like you needed someone to listen to you…”  I pushed out the words, feeling almost inhibited from speaking properly as I felt awkward explaining my intentions, as if they weren’t my own. 

The unknown woman blinked a couple of times, still quite in a daze and confused by my continuing proximity. I couldn’t blame her, I put her in quite a perplexing position and I cursed myself for, in all probability, taking a step too far. 

⏤ “I- It’s alright, sorry for imposing, have a good night” I said quickly as I grabbed my handbag I had left on the counter. Yet before I could fully turn around, I felt her hand on my wrist. 

⏤ “No… no it’s fine. Stay… I’m sorry, I just didn’t expect… Well…” Her blue eyes tried to hide her embarrassment but I understood.

⏤ “Are you sure?” I asked, needing another confirmation to soothe my now careworn being. 

⏤ “Yes, please” She nodded and I barely smiled as I decided to stay. As I accommodated myself on the stool, she grabbed a mirror from her purse, cleaning up with a handkerchief the residue from her mascara and the mistakes that the tears had brought to her striking face. 

Once she was ready, and more composed, she faced me. She was filled with intrigue at the stranger in front of her.

⏤ “What’s your name?” Her voice now sounded softer than before.

I hesitated for a few seconds, wondering if I should share my last name, knowing what that implied, sharing my identity.

⏤ “Helen, and you?” I decided just my first name was enough.

⏤ “Christine” Her name was as beautiful as she was. And even though she was wearing a modest suit, it seemed she had the knowledge to style it in a way that made it seem like it was worth a million bucks.  She had a silk kerchief tied around her neck, a pearl brooch that, if I was not mistaken, seemed to be made up of genuine pearls, and a bulky platinum golf bracelet on her wrist with some stones casted into it. None of it appeared to be brand new but I could tell just from the sight of them that she took delicate care in maintaining their robust features. As I continued on with my observation I made my way down to her hands which were , just like me, empty of both a gold band or darling ring that showed she was betrothed to another.

⏤ “Nice to meet you Christine” 

I held my hand towards her, to shake it. She looked at it, and finally, a smile appeared on her lips. While it was barely there… It was still there. Her hand met mine and she shook it.

⏤ “Nice to meet you Helen…”  She said, as the look on her face started to change and she squinted her eyes as she couldn't stop staring at me. “I don’t know why… But I feel like I’ve seen you before”

I furiously blinked, not expecting one bit for her to say that. I pondered heavily, what if she knew who I was… And… What I had done . 

⏤ “Have you? Maybe at a party… Or an event?” I tried to play it off.

⏤ “Perhaps…” She then grabbed her cigarette case and opened it up to light one up. I had finished mine at this point, but I didn’t mind. I was engrossed with this encounter. After she gave it a drag, I decided there was no better time than now to get into unknown territory.

⏤ “Don’t mind me asking… And you most definitely do not have to reply but… Are you alright? I could see you were crying…” There went nothing, I braced myself for her response. 

Christine pressed her lips, and I could immediately tell she didn’t know what to say… If she even wanted to at all. Again I felt that I had probably gone too far. I couldn’t figure out the reasoning behind me feeling so much more emboldened tonight than I had ever been before. Though… I surely felt that with each and every advancement in conversation I made with this mysterious woman it was just one closer to her questioning the soundness of my mind. To inquire such personal matters with someone I had never even met before, I mean surely I would’ve waved the person that came to me right off and told them to, very nicely, get lost. 

⏤ “It’s complex… Not something I can discuss now…” she quite shortly responded. 

⏤ “I completely understand, I’m sorry, I’m being much too immoderate” I apologized, kicking myself in the backside and not wanting to scare her away any further with my seemingly intrusive nature. 

⏤ “I appreciate your concern… I do. A stranger such as yourself took out her time and cared enough to ask me if I am alright… That doesn’t happen often… Well, at all really, not in this city that is…” I could tell she meant that. 

With that, in the most straightforward of manners, I now felt different from when I had come into this bar. The mood had changed, drastically, and I noticed that for her she was having a similar feeling as well. We weren’t some lone wolfs looking for solace in liquor any longer, we weren’t alone…We were together. 

⏤ “I know… And I don’t know how to explain it… My actions… But I was sitting across the bar and I saw you and… Somehow I felt what you are feeling now… Yet I have no idea what happened to you or who you even are but… I just feel like I have connected to your suffering… Your pain” I tried to express in words what had just happened a few minutes ago and what had effectively compelled me to make my way over to her. 

⏤ “You did?” I got a glimpse of her smile, sweet and thankful while her eyes still showed deep despair, as if they were calling out for help. “... Meanwhile here I was… I felt so pathetic as I cried in public… I absolutely loathe it… The type of behavior I was so evidently showcasing… I hate to see anyone make a scene like I did in front of everybody but… With the addition of bourbon… I just couldn’t help it… I couldn’t stop it.” She looked down at her hand, analyzing the cigarette she was holding in her right hand. I could tell she was trying to push away the shame and shyness from the situation she was quite evidently feeling. 

⏤ “I know, it has happened to me before… Too… Many… Times. Sometimes I’m glad that I don’t even fully remember those nights… I fear it would be too much to handle.” What I was saying was all true, unfortunately. People, especially those tormented by their own thoughts, find a solace in booze that can’t be replicated with anything else. Alas, the public scenes caused by these elixirs aren’t necessarily new to anybody, but that still doesn’t make them any less shameful for those who experienced that complete and total lack of control. 

Christine nodded and a wave of silence remained between us for a few seconds. After a while, it seemed she was still quite inquisitive.  

⏤ “What about you? You said you… Felt my pain…?” 

What could I say… What should I say? There was both everything and nothing to be said about my own pain. I couldn’t divulge all my secrets to this woman who was still albeit a stranger to me, but I couldn’t just dismiss her questions either, Afterall I had been the one to fuel her curiosity by coming over to her in the first place. But… With all of this I knew I still had to protect myself , so I decided to just divulge to her the tip of the iceberg of my problems… A preface to a long… long tale if you would. 

⏤ “Well… Divorce and… I’m afraid I’ve just been dealing with other stuff that’s not so easy to tell… Not now… As you see it seems that we both have our own severe troubles…”

⏤ “I understand Helen…” She looked back at me, a comforting smile on her face. “ You know I… I just can’t stop thinking about the fact that I am pretty certain that I’ve seen you before… Your features… They look so familiar…. What’s your last name?”

That question was paralyzing… I was afraid to say the answer to it. My hesitancy probably showed… But for some reason, still albeit unbeknownst to me, I decided to trust her. 

⏤ “Wright… Helen Wright” I said in a sighing manner.

⏤ “Helen… Wright…” She repeated my name out loud to herself, deeply concentrated as she tried to apparently figure out where she knew me from. Suddenly her eyes widened, and with that my heart started racing, I was completely terrified of what she was going to say… Did she know what I did? Well… tried to do?

⏤ “Oh my god… Of course! You’ve been a patron to so many musicians!” she exclaimed. 

I was still panicky from the uncertainty about what she exactly knew about me, but I pushed through my uneasiness. 

⏤ “You know that? Are you… A musician?” 

⏤ “Yes, I’m a pianist,” she said as she took a drag of her cigarette. 

I looked at both of her hands, now knowing her profession she did have quite the pianist fingers, long and slender, agile enough to create beautiful melodies. 

⏤ “Ah, that makes sense then. Maybe we have seen each other before… Perhaps I’ve been to one of your concerts?” I questioned out loud, now too feeling that her face seemed familiar to me… One that I have seen before hidden behind a piano.  

⏤ “Perhaps… But in the past… Not recently.” I could hear an uneasiness building in her voice. Something was up. 

⏤ “In the past? Did you have many patrons?” I wondered, since it was evident that she wasn’t some struggling pianist, the jewels she was adorned with indicated that. 

She nodded, and it seemed that we had all the sudden entered a territory that she wasn’t too keen on us entering. But nonetheless, she still, hesitantly it appeared,  shared another piece of information with me. 

⏤ “Yes… I… Well.. I was Hollenious’ protegee.”  She again looked down at her cigarette as she flicked some of the ashes into the ashtray in front of her. 

My eyes widened, but thankfully it appeared that she hadn’t seen that. I knew now that I had definitely seen her in the past. 

⏤ “Dear… I presume then that you must be incredibly talented. Now that I think of it… I think I actually have been to one of your concerts… I just don’t quite fully remember at this moment… With the many concerts that are put on sometimes it's so hard to put faces to a name and vice versa.”

⏤ “You probably did” Our eyes met again and it looked like she had a melancholic smile on her face. 

⏤ “What’s your last name?” She knew mine so I thought it was all the sense fair for me to know her full name now too.

⏤ “Christine… Radcliffe” She said in between a sip as she finished her drink. 

⏤ “And if I understood you correctly… You’re no longer doing any concerts? Forgive me for being a bit intrusive, but what are you doing nowadays?” She became even more fascinating to me… Here she was… An evidently promising pianist next to none other but Hollenious himself… And now… She was alone, in a bar, crying.

⏤ “I teach at a music conservatory.” She said quite quickly and shortly.  I knew her position as a teacher was important, the art of music needs refined teachers but I knew that wasn’t bringing in as much money or fulfillment as doing concerts around the country… I knew that very well. From the outside looking in, it seems such that her choice is still aggrieved, but I couldn’t say that for certainty, I surely didn’t know her that well to fully assume such a thing. 

⏤ “That’s wonderful” I affirmed. 

⏤ “I just think… It’s  for the better” She seemed sure about that yet there were some clear signs of struggle from the past in her voice.

⏤ “And Hollenious?” I knew something was up , I just couldn’t put my finger on what it was. Though as we continued to talk her face was becoming clearer and clearer from my memories. 

⏤ “He’s out of the picture, I am going solo…” That said everything, and it all came together now. They were together… Well, had been together I guess. I think I had seen them together before, and I had heard rumors about Hollenious and his protegee. Now I was able to put a face and a name to those rumors. But I thereupon decided to change the subject. I could see her shutting down and I knew that it was a topic she no longer wanted to discuss right now. I didn’t want to ruffle any feathers any further either… Hell she barely knew me and here I was pushing for more information about her past.

⏤ “Want to order another drink? It’s on me” I offered, not really knowing how to reel the conversation back in from the depths we had just touched. 

⏤ “ No, that’s fine.” She said as she put out her cigarette on the glass ashtray. 

I started to entirely regret being so prying about the Hollenious subject with her. So I figured, after her veto to another drink, that it was best to apologize. 

⏤ “I’m sorry Christine, I didn’t mean to be so nosy…” I said, sighing.

⏤ “Oh no, no dear it’s not that… I just don’t want to drink anymore, I don’t want to go overboard, I feel I’ve already gone quite far as it is.” Her hand landed on mine, squeezing it for a brief moment, to then let it go. 

⏤ “Right, I get it” I nodded, another sigh escaping from my lips, this time instead  full of relief. Still, I decided to move the conversation in another direction, one less depressing and sorrowful. “I’ve been meaning to say… I can’t help but notice that you have an accent… Where are you from?”

⏤ “Germany…” She muttered, unhappy to even say that word. It seemed to me this whole time that she had an eastern european sort of accent, but I couldn’t place my finger on which country, especially with her name and all, Germany was the last place I had thought of. “I left just around when the war started, I feared for my own safety being there any longer.”

⏤ “So am I right to assume that Christine Radcliffe is not your original name?” I once again spoke my questions and conclusions out loud. 

⏤ “You’re correct, it’s not. I changed it when I came here… So now, I just rather be called Christine… My old name and life stayed behind in Germany, I left it all behind.” She said as she lit another cigarette. 

I nodded in sympathy for her. She must have been through a lot,  coming over here and having to start from zero, and on top of that trying to blend in with the Americans to avoid being outcast.

⏤ “I understand… Well you have a lovely accent” I complimented her, sincerely, she had a charming voice.

⏤ “I am ashamed of it, most of the time. I’ve tried so hard to improve it over the years, but I guess for the most part it’s still there…” It seemed that she was disappointed to have such a defining characteristic, like it was a stain on her existence. 

⏤ “There’s nothing to be ashamed of… Really” I said sincerely, it was how I felt. 

⏤ “I am… Of my people… You know. People will give me certain looks if they know I’m German… They have before, it’s why I made, essentially, a new version of myself.”  I understood her reasoning, yet I felt that it was just so shameful that people would attack others just because they came from a certain country… I mean we all, in one way or another came from somewhere here in America, but that doesn’t mean the ideologies or way of life came with us too. 

⏤ “People are ignorant. Not everyone's the same, you’re not to blame for things you can’t even control Christine.” I quite definitively said.

She looked back at me and smiled, grabbing my hand once again to gently squeeze it once again. 

⏤ “Thank you for saying that” I felt the gratitude in her voice and saw it in her expressive blue eyes.

⏤ “I certainly would never judge you for that… I know I am still a stranger… But I know that not everything is always what it seems”

⏤ “Yes, you’re right. I’ve definitely lived and learned that myself…” I didn’t know what she was talking about, maybe something else that I wouldn’t understand at the moment. She felt like an enigma, like there was so much to her, so much mystery she hadn’t yet shared. Perhaps we were both that to each other… I too had so much hidden within me. 

⏤ “I still can’t believe a woman like you, who is so influential, is here… sharing a drink with me in this bar, being so caring enough to listen to a complete stranger… a mediocre pianist about her issues. Why?”

⏤ “I don’t know. I just felt like it was something I needed to do… Like I said, not everything is what it seems. I don’t have my life resolved either, not one bit. It’s pretty much the contrary. I mean, why do you think I’m here, having a drink all by myself too?” 

She acknowledged what I said and then a small smirk appeared on her lips as she joked: 

⏤ “I guess rich people suffer too”

We both shared a laugh, nearly at the exact same time as the other. At that moment I started to feel a bit warm and I could sense my face was getting red. 

⏤ “Oh you’re making fun of me”

⏤ “A little” She then winked at me, after taking the piss out of my situation. Then, it appeared as if something had all the sudden dawned on her and she checked her watch. “Well Helen, it was nice meeting you… But tomorrow I have a class to teach, I really should be in bed by now, so I should probably head out. ”

⏤ “Right, I should go too, before I have another glass.” Even though I wished I got the opportunity to keep talking to her, it was best to also leave with her. It gave me reasoning to not stay here by myself. 

⏤ “Good. Let’s go” We both grabbed our belongings and I decided to pay for both of our drinks.

After that we walked outside, to the cold streets, I put my mink coat on as I looked at her.

⏤ “Are you sure  you don’t want me to drop you off at your house?” I offered her.

⏤ “No I’m sure, I don’t live that far away. But thank you anyways, really .” She too had put her coat on. With her hands in her pockets, she now seemed so small… So timid. 

⏤ “Well, it was nice meeting you Christine.” I wanted to say more but at the same time my mind and mouth just froze. I failed to tell her that I wished to keep talking to her, maybe in the near future. I felt that perhaps there was a genuine connection between us, and I so desperately wished to have an honest friend, one that would care about me for who I was as a person, just as Helen, ignoring the Wright . 

⏤ “Likewise… You know? For some reason I feel like this is not the last time I am going to see you…” There was a look on her face, and I might be wrong but it felt like she was also feeling the same way I was… That she wanted to see me again. 

⏤ “Perhaps we will… I’d like that” That was all that I dared to say to her.

⏤ “Me too. Well… Goodnight Helen”

⏤ “Goodnight Christine.”

Chapter 2: Act 1: Piano Concerto

Summary:

I questioned if she cared about that chat in that lonely bar as much as I apparently had. It was possible that she had already pushed our interaction far out of her mind and forgotten everything and anything that happened that night… Including my name.

Notes:

Hello everyone! From now on, I will link songs that are going to be mentioned during the chapters, but also when there's songs that fit the situation at hand. Let's pretend this fic has its own soundtrack. All of them are listed on the playlist I already made! Enjoy.

⏤”So , if I’m understanding you correctly… You felt uneasy to speak more openly with her?” Mr. Hughes asked me. While I knew I could have, and more so possibly should have, spent our current session talking about the past and healing my trauma, I instead spent our time talking about the encounter I had with Christine. It was still lying heavy on my mind, and I needed some sound advice on what it meant now, after going through what most would consider taboo, to meet someone new and knowing my limits when it came down to interacting and sharing details about myself. 

⏤“I had, yes. It’s not that we were even acquainted enough, besides both being placed within the same wheelhouse of cultivated music, but… I don’t think I could do it. Expressing what I’ve been through without feeling terribly ashamed and perturbed? I don’t even particularly think that anyone could actually feel comfortable enough on a first meeting to share such a part of themselves so willingly and unabashedly.” I tried to find an explanation to give for my hesitancy… not that I had even really had one for myself. 

⏤“Perhaps your mind… your subconsciousness particularly…  Is still too focused on the recent events you have been through and that one specific memory is so vivid and ingrained in your mind that you can’t stop thinking about it even if you feel like you’re not even thinking about it at that very moment. With that your psyche becomes almost overflowed with inquiries of who knows about it and how other people would feel about it.” 

Mr. Hughes put the notepad that was resting on his leg onto the corner table beside him and positioned his elbows to rest on his thighs as he continued to talk to me.

⏤“Unfortunately, what happened to you also happens to many others, more often than one would think. Perhaps this chanced meeting you had with Christine doesn’t have to be full of worry and self doubt about the past. You can use this opportunity as a fresh start in the present, to showcase yourself to her and start a genuine friendship. Which, as you’ve been sharing, is something that you want to find so sincerely.” My therapist called attention to what I've been aching for the longest. 

⏤“Yes but… I got so terribly worried the moment she, quite quickly may I add, found out who I was.” I looked down at my cigarette and noticed how much my leg was bouncing from the anxiousness that was within me from even just talking about my encounter with Christine. 

⏤ “Well, think about it, it’s not like she sought you out, right? It was just a coincidence that she was a pianist, she probably knows a good amount of people from this circle , not only you. I think it’s time for you to challenge yourself, find a sense of comfortability in the state of uncomfortability you’ve placed yourself in. Maybe she can be that potential friend you’ve been looking for all this time, a confidant. But no one else is going to do that, not even her, you have to gather some self-determination and see if she’s interested in the materialistic aspect that surrounds you, or if she cares about you as a person.”

⏤ “I understand.”

⏤ “This was the first and only meeting so far. If it continues you on with more meetings, as it seems to me that both of you wanted, then you have to open your mind up to more, to potential outcomes, for the only control we have is over our own thoughts and feelings, not others. Imagine yourself as a flower blooming in the springtime… You have to allow yourself to slowly open up and when you feel it is the right moment, you can fully bloom, showcasing yourself to her as your full self. But, do remind yourself that, like with any prospective and working friendship, she has to be truthful too, on the same level as you. So you have to keep that in mind if it is an authentic friendship you seek, you cannot fill a glass for the other, both of you must be active participants to establish a genuine friendship. 

⏤ “Right…I’ll… Try”

I knew my therapist was right in his way of thinking… Meeting Christine that night was more than likely a sign of some sort for me to start pushing myself a little further, putting myself outside of my comfort zone. If I wanted genuine friends, they for sure weren’t going to be just knocking at my door, ready for companionship, I had to put in the energy, time, and invest my emotions into it. Keeping myself in the small bubble I had put myself in a long time ago with nothing but snobs, comfort, and opulence was not helping me one bit. It was all a front, all style, no substance behind almost every person within that fantasy world and it was time for me to venture out on my own way. 

My first daring act was looking up the name Christine in all the conservatories in the city. I figured that at some point her last name had to show up. Finally, a lead appeared - a promising one at that -, a small concert at the New York College of Music was set to take place with a few students and teachers, and Christine Radcliffe was set to be behind that piano. It was planned for this upcoming Thursday, and so I decided to go. I didn’t have any real expectations, I was just going to attend the concert and appreciate some fine melodies, and in the case I would bump into her, I might talk to her. I was going to force it, that’s for sure, perhaps I was a little hopeful that we would bump into each other, but I wasn’t going to influence any sort of action that night.  

Unbeknownst to me, opposed to that of a full-scale concert this happened to instead be a more casual and small concert where parents and close friends went to see how the students had been improving so far. I immediately felt a bit overdressed as I walked into the small theater. Quite swiftly embarrassment crept up into me as I sat down in one of the aisles in my mink coat while estranged looks by the plenty from the other attendees were being shot my way. 

Though before anyone could keep their attention on me for any longer, the concert started and I was very grateful for that. The first part of the concert had a violin soloist, who was, in fact, a student. He most definitely had potential, though I wasn’t that pleased to hear a violin, moreover on its own, for quite obvious reasons. An abrupt response of overwhelming irritation and albeit a good amount of uncomfortability came about as unpleasant memories went surging through my head. I wanted it to be over, the music and the thoughts, I didn’t want to deal with the replay of moments from the past, attitudes, stares, and even words that I had been trying so hard to forget about entirely. 

Nevertheless I pulled through until intermission was called. Now that the music was gone, I was left with some looks once again, accompanied now by some hushed voices. I was getting a good amount of attention and I wished for it to stop, but soon I figured, with how they were looking at me and then at the stage, that they thought I was perhaps a talent scout of some sort. I just hoped with everything in me that no one would identify me. 

Finally, the next, and last, part started. When the curtains opened, I saw her walking onto the stage. I couldn’t help but smile when I spotted her. Christine was wearing a, what seemed to be  champagne colored, satin dress with a V shaped neckline, accentuated shoulderpads, and it was cinched right at her waist, giving her a gorgeous silhouette to her body. It was nothing eccentric, just elegant enough for an event like this one. She then bowed to the crowd and positioned herself behind the piano. I was excited, and a bit anxious, to finally hear her play as I had, on my own accord, built some anticipation since Christine told me of her previous vocation. 

Now that she was behind that instrument, something seemed to slightly ring a bell in my head. But… As soon as she started to press those keys, ever so gently, little by little, other… Different memories started to intensely flood my mind. I was, in fact, right when I spoke to Christine about having attended one of her concerts before and all it took was those hands grazing those fine ivories to have me right back at that night. 

She was a little younger then, not by much but she had more of a… Girlish appearance. You could tell that she had perhaps been through some arduous moments in her life but she was on the path of rising up. Hollenius himself had introduced her as his new shining star and he wasn’t wrong, she did shine that night. We were in a much bigger auditorium than the one tonight and still this petite young woman managed to cover every part of the house as she began the concert by giving life to one of Beethoven's most famous compositions, Sonata No. 23  ‘Appassionata’ . Her fast moving hands not once troubled by the veracity of the piece, she captivated everyone's attention that night and there was but not even one hushed voice that could be heard as she played. She played many more compository pieces that night, many of which were Hollenius’ own creation and by the end of the night it seemed that with a little more experience, this student was soon to surpass her master. 

Presently, I casted some curses on myself for not remembering that night, for it had moved me so much back then, though I knew I could not put too much grief on myself for not remembering as the events that took place after that concert were considerably more substantial  and consequential in my life. Perhaps I was also grateful for not remembering as it, in some way, allowed me to experience Christine’s talent anew as she now played another one of Beethoven's famous pieces of work, Sonata No. 14, ‘Moonlight Sonata’ . As she played through all 3 movements I could see in her eyes, though casted at the keys to ensure correct playing, that she was full of affliction. Gone was the young woman with bright eyes who was on a path of success no one could take her off of, replaced was a woman in suffering, unsure as to what her life story was supposed to be like.

Before the curtains fully closed, I left. I knew that if I stayed any longer and the main lights came back on, there were going to be a lot more uncomfortable looks and possible interactions that I thought I would be better off without. Instead, I decided to go outside and wait inside my car for Christine to come out. The small crowd soon came outside, stuck around for a bit, but in due course they too all left. Christine eventually came out with a few colleagues by her side, chatting and conversing, presumingly about how the night had turned out and their performances. I grabbed the handle, ready to open the door to my car and suddenly, David startled me.

⏤ “Miss Wright, let me open the door for you” He said as he made movement towards exiting the car, but I immediately stopped him.
⏤ “No David… There’s no need, just stay behind the wheel, I can open it myself” I said reassuringly. I figured that if David did such an act in front of all these people, especially after how I was received in the theater, I would once again come off as somewhat pretentious, and that was the last thing that I wanted to happen. That’s not to say that the Rolls-Royce and a driver sitting behind the wheel wasn’t already showy enough, but I just tried to not make things more unfavorable for me. 

I reached for the handle and… I paused. I started second guessing everything I had done up to this moment and what I was currently about to do. I looked at Christine through the window, casually talking to the people that surrounded her, she seemed to be in her pond. Yet here I was, a stranger, showing up and imposing myself to her in her habitat. I questioned if she cared about that chat in that lonely bar as much as I apparently had. It was possible that she had already pushed our interaction far out of her mind and forgotten everything and anything that happened that night… Including my name. I thought maybe I was just being a nuisance just appearing out of the blue on a night like this. Moreover and most importantly, I thought that between us two, maybe I was the only one who was truly and desperately lonely . 

My hand moved from the door handle back onto my lap as I watched the scene in front of me. I had searched around the city for this stranger, hopeful to create and build some sort of bond that would probably not even happen. But what if it could, was I failing myself once again? Was I stopping before even trying? I had wanted to get to know this woman who had interested me and give her a real chance at getting to know me… I had wanted her to be my friend. Yet then once again a negative feeling, embarrassment rose within me. Where did this eagerness come from and what did it mean? What if she finds it strange and uncomfortable? What will she think of me? I thought to myself, fueling my hesitancy to leave my car even further. I felt positively ridiculous doing this, all of this.

Then, when I least expected it, the party in front of me had parted ways. Christine was now walking away… Alone. Though my brain was fraught, I knew I had to make a decision. Against all the voices in my head screaming No!, I exited the car and started walking towards her since she was a bit aways from where I had the car parked. 

⏤ “Christine” I called her name as I clutched my handbag in nervousness. I felt so small, and so cold. 

She then turned around, with an estranged look on her face, until she finally realized it was me. 

⏤ “Helen!” She smiled, and oh my how good it felt to see her excited to see me. She quickened her pace and was soon standing in front of me. Unexpectedly, she gave me a couple of kisses on each cheek. “What are you doing here?”

⏤ “I just… Happened to catch the concert” I made a vague gesture, pointing to the small theater. 

⏤ “You did?!” Her eyes widened for a second, clearly taken aback from hearing that I had come to see her. I couldn’t sincerely tell by the look on her face how she felt about my presence at her concert but I hoped that she didn’t find such an act from me too bizarre or weird. 

⏤ “Yes, it was wonderful. You’re incredibly talented. There’s really not enough words in the English language to describe it” While she listened to me, a small but humble smile coated on her lips.

⏤ “I’m flattered… Sorry, I’m still in shock, I didn’t expect you to know about this small little thing, let alone to come here and watch the performances.” She grabbed towards her coat, hugging it in an effort to shield herself from the low temperatures.

⏤ “I was curious really, I wanted to hear you play”

⏤ “Thank you for coming, I really appreciate it” It seemed that she was actually being genuine, like my opinion was important to her.

⏤ “It was my pleasure” After that, there was a sudden awkward silence as we both struggled to find what to say to each other.

⏤ “Well, I-”

⏤ “Oh… I thought-” Both of us spoke at the same time, but I insisted. “Shouldn't we go out to dine? My treat” I offered, feeling that it would be a shame for the night to just end here. But yet I felt that maybe I was overstepping once again. “Oh maybe you already have plans, I’m sorry if I’m being quite  imposing”

⏤ “Oh no Helen, I would love to. I was just about to go home and eat by myself!” She smiled, seeming to be relieved that she had new plans.

⏤ “Then I’m glad I came. Pick wherever you wanna go” I said, smiling.

And so she did. We ended up setting our destination to The Montana , a very popular building on Park Avenue, to go to Voisin . I was surprised by her pick, to say the least. When we walked in, they immediately set up a table for us. It was quite busy, but the owner and staff knew me well enough to fit us into their workload. I’d be untruthful if I said that walking into this familiar venue didn’t stir up a slight panic within me. A few eyes were on me and I started to get paranoid, wondering if their looks were from a source of curiosity in what I had done some months ago. 

The first few minutes passed by in a blur as I functioned almost like I was some sort of wind up toy set on a specific track. I was executing everything as I was supposed to be, sitting down, overlooking the menu, but I wasn’t truly aware of what I was actually doing. Do they know? Why did they all stare at me?

It was only when Christine spoke to me did I come back to my senses. I hadn’t noticed that I was still staring at the menu, now motionless. 

⏤ “Helen, are you alright? Are you feeling a bit under the weather perhaps?” The tone of her voice gave off as being a little worrisome. 

⏤ “Oh, no, I’m alright, I just spaced out for a bit there. Sorry about that.” I said, clearing my throat. My level of insecurity was running high now that she put some regard towards how I was behaving, so I put my full attention on the list of dishes, avoiding eye contact with her at all cost.  

⏤ “You sure? I was talking to you and you weren’t responding at all…” I could see her still staring at me through my peripheral vision. 

I felt incredibly embarrassed by how I was acting but I couldn’t help this feeling of being so overwhelmed. It had totally escaped my mind that coming to a place like this, essentially a place of my past, could put me in such a bleak position.

⏤ “Yes I’m sure, I just felt a bit dizzy for a second there and was so concentrated on how I was feeling that I had become inattentive to everything around me, that’s all. I’m sorry Christine…” I tried to reassure her that everything was alright, even though it really wasn’t.

⏤ “Helen, we can leave if you feel sick… Really.” I was grateful that she was being so thoughtful and caring to me at this moment, I hadn’t had anyone be so tender and attentive to me in a long time. 

⏤ “No, no… It was just a moment… It went away, I promise.” I looked up at her Christine and gave her a faint smile while simultaneously peeking at the environment I was in once again as discreetly as I could. No one was looking at me… At all. Had that all just been my own turbulent imagination? 

⏤ “If it comes back, please let me know… We can leave at any moment, just say the word.” She assured me once again, continuing on with what appeared to be her very selfless nature of being. 

⏤ “It’s all alright… Do you know what you’re going to have?” I asked, glancing at the menu again. I was trying to bring the attention away from me and back onto the reason why we were here, to get to know each other a bit more and more than anything, enjoy a delicious dinner. 

Christine's attention too went back onto the menu after she saw that I was indeed, alright.
⏤ “I was thinking of Oeufs Benedict… And a martini. What about yourself?” 

⏤ “Hm, that sounds delectable…” I raised my arm up a bit, extending my finger, and in less than ten seconds the waiter, with well coiffed hair and a tailored suit, was taking out orders. “Two Oeufs Benedicts and two martinis please” 

⏤”Immediately, Mrs. Wright” My mouth went agape, hand about to be raised in objection and ready to correct him that it was Miss, but he was gone before I could do so. I had used to go to many places with Victor, this being one, but not anymore. It appeared that Christine had looked at my demeanor very closely and grasped at what I had just attempted to do. 

⏤ “You were about to correct him, right?” She inquired.

I looked at her in surprise as I heard her almost instantaneously figure how I had felt about that. I tried to laugh it off. 

⏤ “Unfortunately, it seems it’s going to take quite a long time for everyone to stop addressing me like that.”

⏤ “ I understand, I’m thankful that people still only address me as Radcliffe. It’s too uncomfortable to correct them, let alone pay any attention to what that means.” 

Then I figured that this was the perfect excuse for me to finally find out who her ex husband was. 

⏤ “What is his last name… If you don’t mind me asking?” I questioned hesitantly, not knowing if she would want to share that information. 

⏤ “Novak… Karel Novak” I tried to hide the surprised expression on my face when I heard his name. He was currently the most popular Cellist in the city. His name was on everyone's tongue as of late. In between recovering I hadn’t been able to attend one of his concerts, but had previously made a mental note to do so once I was in a better mindset. Tonight's concert was actually the first one I had attended in months. 

I was in a state of shock. I had heard through the grapevine that Mr. Novak, a musician who had seemingly popped up out of nowhere, had recently been pulled into another concert engineered by Hollenious himself. I also heard that he was off the market. I suppose that the lack of any sort of band on her hand completely dissuaded me from thinking that she was involved with anyone on that level. 

⏤ “We’re not divorced though” Another shock. Upon just hearing about their marriage I automatically assumed that they were given, again, the lack of that gold band. “ We’re separated. I can’t…. Really explain it… The whole thing is complicated. Some days I want to divorce him, other days I can’t imagine life without him… It’s just a constant, never ending loop.” She sighed. 

Suddenly the waiter reappeared at our table once again to place our drinks on the table. He gave a quick nod as he excused himself once again, assuring us that our meals would be arriving shortly. 

⏤ “I’m sorry if I sound to be quite intruding to your own personal matters but… Why are you so uncertain?” 

⏤ “Well…” She seemed hesitant to divulge such a private topic… I gave her time to either continue on with the topic or shut it down completely, I wanted to give her the choice. “... We had met back in Berlin so very long ago. We were young and fell in love with so much hope in us, thinking that we had a bright future ahead of us. But we were wrong, so very wrong.” She hollowly laughed. “ We were naive, we thought that with his cello and my piano, and above all our love, we would never need anything else, we could accomplish anything and everything put in front of us.” She picked up her glass, gulping down the rest of its content. “ Yet they came into power and everything as we knew it changed. Eventually we tried to escape to America, but he was caught. I on the other hand was not and made my way here all on my own with absolutely zero pocket money or really anything to my name whatsoever.” 

⏤ “I’m so sorry to hear that, it must have been so hard for you to come here and start from scratch, all alone.” 

⏤”Oh it was horrible. I didn’t speak a lick of English at the time… my mediocre capacity of being able to say hello and goodbye did not count whatsoever. I had to work all day, barely making any money, in terrible places… But I still had hope that I could eventually do something with my talent… And that Karol was still alive. I was doing it for the both of us, I had to survive.” She looked at the glass still in her hand, she was staring at it, completely detached, though her voice still showcased every single emotion that was currently coursing through her mind. “But everything changed when I met Alex.” 

⏤ “Hollenious?” 

Christine nodded, her eyes, still stuck on the glass, seemed to show deep regret. 

⏤ “I need another drink” 

Once again I made a signal to the waiter and he, in less than a couple minutes, was serving our plates - plus the extra martini. Once everything was situated we halted our conversation and started eating. Obviously, and quite frankly, thankfully there wasn’t any silence. A pianist in the far corner was playing Gounod and there was an abundance of chatter from the tables surrounding us. 

Though it had seemed on the night we first met that we were both quite reserved in our ways about our troubles, it was becoming more apparent that I was not the only one who had placed herself in a chamber of secrets and sorrow.  Hesitancy showed across both our faces as we ate. It appeared that we similarly had so much information that we could share about ourselves but also held the same amount of reluctance to be the one to speak first after the silence. I was sure that she was wondering why a woman like me, who seemingly had so much going for her, was so lonely and desperate for genuine company. On the flipside of the same coin I was deeply curious how she fell into this state of separation from the most famous cellist at the moment. More than that, actually, was the curiosity in what Hollenious had done to her to cause her to have so much disdain for him. We were stuck deep in the trenches, waiting to see which one of us was going to finally go over the top and make a move towards the other. 

Ultimately, I made my way out of that hole and decided to speak first and share some of my past with her. 

⏤ “You know… I was married three times” I said passively as I began to dissect my meal on the plate. My hunger had been satiated by the majority of the meal and the martini so I was left without much of an appetite now… Well for food at least. 

⏤ “Really? But… You’re so young…” She pointed out. 

I chuckled at her comment. 

⏤ “I’m thirty five… I’m not so young…” I searched for my case of cigarettes in my purse. Once found I pulled a fag from it and placed it at the tip of my lips. 

⏤ “Well, I’m thirty three… But if you got… That would mean…” 

I lit up the cigarette and inhaled it, just in time to interrupt her. 

⏤ “I got married at sixteen.” I said matter of factly  as the smoke came out from my lips. 

⏤ “What?” Christine seemed to have taken notice of my smoking as she too joined me, grabbing one from her purse to light up. 

⏤ “I know… I often mull over on how others had let it happen… Nowadays, when I see girls that are that age I just think that none of them should ever have to endure that…” I followed the movements of her hands as she grabbed a fag and offered to light it up for her. 

⏤ “Helen…” She leaned in as struck the lighter to produce the tiny flame. I quickly glanced at her hollowing cheeks and took notice of the delightful aroma that surrounded her. The perfume she had on was sweet yet there was a tint of spices layered underneath… I knew the perfume but I just couldn’t decipher the name quickly enough in my mind. Nevertheless, it was lovely. 

I sighed as she let out the smoke she inhaled and sat back to get comfortable in my seat. 

⏤ “It was a rough way to start adulthood, and that’s a soft and gentle way of explaining it. Thankfully I got out of it as soon as I was able to. Then, I suppose not satisfied with my first disastrous attempt at marriage, I was under claim by quite the womanizer who couldn’t help but play around with more women than he could even truly handle at the same time. I played a weak 3rd or 4th in his lineup since I wasn’t able to have a child to continue his legacy … a real travesty to him and a miracle for society…” I, just as Christine had done with her first, finished my drink in full in one swig. 

⏤ “I’m so sorry to hear that…” She appeared to be so intensely sympathetic to what I was sharing with her that I was, in truth, verily moved. 

⏤ “Thank you… Well, at least with Victor, my endmost ex-husband, I was treated like an equal. He didn’t disfavor me or treat me cruelly… I just think there wasn’t enough love between the two of us to continue on with the relationship. It was a short lived entanglement, full of lust and desire, then we got bored with each other… Or perhaps it was just me who fell into such a state. Let’s just say that for a long time, I didn’t really know what I wanted, or what I wanted, or who I even was… Sometimes I still feel like this… Not as often, but it still creeps up on me, that formidable cloud of uncertainty, and it lingers above me for a while before clearing away once again. 

⏤ “I’m speechless.” She grabbed my hand that was laying on the table and squeezed it for a brief moment. “How are you feeling at this moment?” 

⏤ “It’s hard to explain. I just feel… Stuck for some reason, as if I'm in some sort of everlasting daze. I’m constantly going out and doing things, but nothing is filling any real purpose or even remotely making me happy. I just don’t stop and continue on with filling up my time so I don’t have to think… If that makes any sense.” 

⏤ “It does…” She looked down at her plate, it seemed she too had lost her appetite as her meal had only been eaten half way. “ Well… I guess it’s my turn to enter back into this shared maudlin plea. In my case, I feel that I was lucky to have met Hollenious at the time… but in any other matter, I do feel immense regret over ever meeting him.”

⏤ “Why is that?” All of a sudden it felt like our humble conversation had become more intimate, and Chrstine leaned in as if she was about to tell me what she was hiding within herself.  So naturally, I also leaned in, awaiting to hear her response. 

⏤ “Well, at first, when we first crossed paths, he listened to me and gave an opportunity to shadow him, as he expressed that he saw in me great potential. I was so relieved, it was all that I had wanted, I felt like I was living within a dream. Then things took a turn, as general human nature cannot be stopped, and we started… A relationship.”

⏤ “What about Karel?” I inquired, almost on the edge of my seat.

⏤ “Well, before that, before the name Hollenious was even a whisper in my ear, I looked for him, constantly. I tried to contact him, phone unfamiliar people who knew him… Anything and everything I could think of… All in the hope to eventually find him. But, time and time again I was left short of any news, and eventually with time I became convinced that he… Well, that perhaps he hadn’t survived after all, that the war back in the place I once called home had also taken him amongst the many things it had taken from me. And I mourned him, day in and day out. Then Alex appeared in my life… and suddenly everything changed. I became his protegee, I gave concerts, he bought me an apartment, he gave me a new life… And suddenly Karel had become a part of my old life… A tale I could look back on when I became nostalgic about the past.” As she talked I couldn’t help but feel a familiar feeling. What she had with Hollenious was eerily similar to what Paul and I had. 

⏤ “One day, by pure chance, I found out that Karel was in fact not gone by any means and that he was actually here, in the City,  about to give a small concert. So of course, as anyone would do if they found out their star crossed lover was still alive, I went to his concert and sought him out the moment I could. I was in a total state of shock that evening and every second that had led up to that night. Once again, everything I had settled into, became familiar with, was changing once more. How could I explain to him, the man that I would’ve given my own life for, that I had been all these years with Alex, a man that I didn’t even particularly love but was so connected to, and that all of the things I had were because of him? When he saw the way I was living, he was, unsurprisingly, bewildered. We used to be quite poor when I managed to escape. Not only that, but we always promised each other that we would never, ever, become someone else’s pupil or have pupils of our own, so I just simply could not explain where all the money and success had come from without breaking his heart…”

⏤ “That certainly was a tough spot for you to be in… I know I’m prying even more but… What did you decide to do?” I was enwrapped in this life narrative of hers and I wanted to know everything. 

⏤ “It’s not that I necessarily decided on a specific avenue to take with both men but, things just got progressively and considerably worse after that. Rather than explain my position I just pushed off the excuse that I had my own pupils which awarded me the means to have such extravagences. Not that it was without a little pushback, but my diversion worked. In this state of newfound elation, Karel and I got married, almost immediately. But eventually, as it had happened times before, cracks began to surface within the platform I had placed Karel and I on. Alex was furious when he found out. How could he not be? I had never told him about Karel, and within one day to the other, I was already married to a man he had never heard of before. I was his prized possession, and I didn’t dare try to explain to him my proceedings once Karel appeared back in my life. The concern that he would strive to put an end to what I seeked to have back in my life, a beautiful life with Karel, was too daunting, I simply made the choice to leave the matter unsaid with Alex. On the other hand, with Alex making himself known at the celebration for our nuptials at my apartment, I had to continue lying to Karel. I told him that Alex just gifted me things like a father does to a daughter… That he was simply just fond of me in a more paternal aspect.” 

⏤ “Did he ever find out?” 

⏤ “ Yes. You see, Alex is an outstandingly smart man who always had a trick up his sleeve. He took Karel under his wing, without my initial knowing, and made him famous by making him his soloist for a concert he had composed. He was constantly threatening me about telling my Karel the truth. I was desperate for an end… I wanted him to be gone… out of my life so Karel and I could be happy. But I was so blinded by everything… And so scared to tell Karel the truth that I didn’t see that this was Hollenious’ motive the whole time. He cornered me into a state of distress, leaving Karel wide open to be ambushed by everything I tried so desperately to hide.” 

⏤ “And so?”

⏤ “ Hollenious faced him after the concert, telling him everything. As expected, it caused a horrendous mess.” It appeared that her capacity for unwavering candor had become full as it seemed she didn’t want to go into any further detail about that said mess. It was completely understandable, she had already made a severe amount of progression talking about all of this. It was a far cry from the status quo of our first encounter. 

⏤ “ I can only imagine.” I didn’t have much to respond with, I was still in a state of awe at the detailings of her life. 

⏤ “Karel, of course, had been suspicious from the beginning and when he found out, everything as we knew it was over. I wouldn’t have even been able to blame him at that moment if he had decided that he never wanted to see me again, which did not necessarily happen, but still. I had lied to him so viciously, it was unforgivable.” Christine placed her left palm under her chin, supporting her head as she finished up her fag. 

⏤ “I’m so sorry to hear that” I expressed my sorrow for her as she crushed the cigarette butt down on the ashtray between the two of us. 

⏤ “I cannot believe I just confessed all of that” Christine sighed, seemingly surprised by her own rant.

⏤ “Don’t feel judged… You are not the first one to tussle with such an appearingly immoral act, and certainly won’t be the last one” I hinted that I had also made that exact same sin, cheating as well.

⏤ “You too?” She looked back at me, curiously.

⏤ “Yes… Unfortunately. I’m not very proud about it, because it also didn’t end well but… That’s life…”

⏤ “So, as I can only assume, your husband found out and there’s the ultimate reason for divorce” She said, quite definitely, and she wasn’t wrong by any means.

⏤ “He did, but he never attacked me for it or put me down, it was like we both knew that it was bound to happen eventually. Our relationship was already dead, and it had been like that for a long time. We were married but… There was nothing between us anymore. Although my affair caused the divorce to happen, it also allowed us to see that we had to stop. We couldn’t continue on any longer, faking something that wasn’t there. We both, with a full analysis at the situation I had put us in, agreed on the divorce.”

⏤ “It sounds like it was the best solution for the two of you. Did you… Or have you kept in touch with him?” 

⏤ “I still do,  we get along just fine in actuality. We’ll probably stay as friends, always, at least I think so.”  Christine acknowledged my answer, nodding her head. Yet I realized that there was still something she had never ended up explaining. ⏤“You know… You never did say why you’re in such a position of doubt over divorcing your husband…” I stated quite matter of factly. I didn’t push for her to share the trauma caused by her affair, but since we were speaking on the subject of divorce I couldn’t help but still wonder why she was so hesitant. 

⏤ “Well… Because even though I was competently in the wrong for the entirety of the situation I had ultimately caused, and I have no right to be by his side… I… can’t let him go. That’s my selfishness I suppose, I know I’m not acting in good conscience by doing so. It’ll never work, a relationship between us now, after all the lies and deceptive measures taken on my end. He doesn’t deserve me dragging him down, still desperately trying to hold on. I’m not the same woman he met back in Berlin and fell in love with. Though I know that once that paper is signed, it’ll be over… Forever… And I’m not sure that I’m ready for that… I’m foolishly still clinging to a sliver of hope that things will change.” 

We eventually finished our food that was still left on both of our plates, and our drinks that we, just like we had in the bar previously, had drank moderately. This time, upon leaving, Christine let me drop her off at her apartment. She lived in Yorkville. On our way there, she shared with me that she had only just rented her lat a few months ago and was living alone. It seemed that with her job she was able to maintain a good living, which could be quite hard in the city. 

When we arrived, David was quick to open the door for Christine so she could exit the car. Though instead of staying seated, I followed right after her as I wanted to give her a proper goodbye. My chauffeur quickly noticed my action and, upon a glance from me, returned back to the driver's seat and we were left alone. 

⏤ “Thank you so much for tonight” Christine immediately mentioned.

⏤ “You don’t need to thank me… I really needed to have this night as well… I haven’t felt normal in so long” Even though it wasn’t that easy for me to leave the secure quarters of my home and be seen in the public eye without some sense of unrest, tonight wasn’t as rough as I had thought it would be. Christine had made it much easier for me to feel comfortable… With her company I found comfort within my discomfort. 

⏤ “Funny you mention that actually… I was just about to say that I was so glad to have seen you tonight… Before seeing you I was going to return back to my apartment and have dinner all by myself… I was already dreading the loneliness of it all.” She chuckled lightly, but I could tell there was an essence of melancholy within her, for reasons that were beyond my knowledge. 

⏤ “I would have felt lonely tonight too… If it weren’t for you”

⏤ “I don’t think we should feel that way any longer…” Suddenly something seemed to have dawned on her and she searched for something in her bag. Out of it she pulled a pen and a card. She quickly scribbled on it and handed it to me. 

⏤ “Here’s my number” I opened my palm facing her to receive the card. With both hands she grabbed my hand, using one to close down my fingers into a loose fist. “I would like for us to keep in touch”

⏤ “I’d love that”

⏤ “Call me” A soft smile appeared on her face and I felt so relieved that we were now seemingly on the same page. Both of us needed each other right now, at least that’s what I thought. It was why I had searched for her and showed up tonight.

⏤ “I will” I said assuringly as I mirrored her smile. I was glad I had pushed through that low spirited night and talked to her. It was worth it. 

Chapter 3: Act 2: The Battle in the Moonlight

Summary:

Maybe I matter to somebody. Someone wanted to see me, someone wanted my affirmation, someone was happy to see me, someone shared her interest in me.

After that night at Voisin,  It seemed that the intimate conversations we shared had laid a good foundation to build upon a strong bond between the two of us. I was more than happy to say that a genuine friendship had begun to blossom between Christine and I. Any free moment that we both had was filled up with keeping eachother company, whether that be at the movies, shopping, or simply at my house for tea. For the first time in months, I felt that things were looking up.

Though, also since Viosin, our time spent together never really encroached places such as that restaurant any longer. We found that the places in which we had the most fun were uncommon spots in which neither of us could really be identified for who we were, where we could just blend in, especially me. So it was decided that we would simply stick to places that were out of what could be categorized as either of our ‘ previous comfort zones’. Though I would love to say that I had come up with such an ingenious idea, it had primarily been Christines. I imagine that, after seeing my demeanor that night, she had figured I didn’t primarily feel at ease when we were at places like Voisin . It was tremendously touching to see that, even though she didn’t know the particular reason as to why I had felt so tense that night, she still noticed me and my feelings. Moreover, she didn’t even so much as make a fuss about such an issue or resolution, she simply let my reasoning stay within me and proposed the idea without putting too much…  Actually really any attention at all to that subject in particular. 

It was comforting and albeit fulfilling for me to find someone like Christine, who could relate to, but moreover, understand the way you feel without sharing so much as a word. I am utterly convinced that our paths crossed for a reason and we had found each other at the right moment in time for the both of us. Neither of us are necessarily perfect, by any means. We both have our own troubled pasts and even a continuing troubled present, but we still, throughout our many conversations we now share, never, ever , judge one another. It is my belief too, that we both share an understanding that we came into each other's lives to empower ourselves to grow, we needed each other to act as pillars of support to find ourselves again through the knocked down rubble life had presented for us. 

While I never really understood it when I had gained knowledge of it once upon a time ago in a publication I had read, the more I analyzed Christine and I’s relationship, it eerily resembled that of the concept of ‘twin flames’ . In an instant I was drawn to her, even quicker we connected with each other, now it felt as if we were phantasmically linked to one another. Prior to Christine I had never been so truly close to someone, in a non-romantical sense, in which I felt so… Seen, that I just could not separate myself from them whatsoever. That is to say, even if I could, I don’t even think that I would want to, for Christine is just… Marvelous. She is extremely smart and cultured. We heavily share similar taste in classical music and she most often teaches me more than I’ve ever known about musical theory. Most refreshingly is that her positive attributes don’t just stop at her intelligence, but far surpass that with her warmth, empathy, awareness, and willingness to be a devoted listener being some of many others. She is the breath of fresh air that I needed, a newfound motivation to keep going on with my life. That gleam in her eyes, the attention she gives to anything I say, like there was something she deeply admired about me, it is all so… endearing. From her it was an unspoken reassurement that maybe I’m not as worthless as I had thought myself to be. Maybe I matter to somebody. Someone wanted to see me, someone wanted my affirmation, someone was happy to see me, someone shared her interest in me. It was all that I truly missed in life before Christine, and was all purely genuine.

Though, while we had started to open up to one another even more and speak about our lives and our past, any and all conversations seemed to have a declared limit, subjects we would never encroach or question each other about. For me, the subject was anything to do with Paul, and for Christine, with Hollenious and her husband, not yet, possible ex-husband. I wasn’t entirely sure why we had ceased and put censorship to those subjects, but ever since that night at the restaurant, we never brought them into any conversation again. While we were still forthcoming and detailed about parts of ourselves with each other, it was like we both had an impenetrable wall in front of us that prevented us from going any deeper into those specific matters. Though, while it plagued me why both of us behaved that way, I wasn’t all that mad at it as she didn’t know nor question who my ex-lover was, she just simply knew him as my ex-lover, and I was keen to keep it like that. 

But, without either of us knowing, that all was about to change. 

 

***

 

⏤ “Couldn't you find something more demure to wear?” She pointed out. I looked over what I was sporting. It was a women's suit consisting of a knee length grey skirt and a jacket. Under it I was wearing a ruffled white shirt. Though it be simple, the suit was made by one of the most important and sought after tailors in the city, and it was adorned with trademarked embroidery known to be connected to said tailor. While it was not my first option to wear out on this day, I was all but running out of simple outfits I could wear when we would meet in regular places. Aligned with my previous lifestyle of nonstop lavish events where such garments were expected, my wardrobe was simply not equipped for the sudden change. 

⏤ “I’ve run out of demure outfits, and I’m certainly not going to buy some unbecoming clothes just for specific outings” 

That’s all I could say to defend myself. We were just having a cup of coffee in a modest cafe, away from any of the more attended cafes in the Manhattan area, but I was sure my outfit wouldn’t cause too much of a disruption.

Christine sighed, gazing at me like I was a lost cause. 

⏤ “Have you ever not been rich?” 

I blinked a couple of times, staring at her in surprise. 

⏤ “No”

My reply must have come off as awfully comedic to her, as her gaze lessened and she dissolved into laughter. I couldn’t help but mirror her bright smile that had accompanied her hysteric. 

⏤ “Well… I could most definitely not say the same for me”

⏤ “It’s not my fault… I’m not used to this”. I immediately recognized that it was awfully shallow of me to act like some silly rich woman who wasn’t used to being unpretentious and that I probably sounded absolutely ridiculous saying that. 

But when she heard that, she then asked me in all seriousness, the next:

⏤  “You don’t like it? We can stop…”  she reassured me.

⏤ “No, no… In some way, I like it” I know it sounded privileged of me to say that, but it was exciting to disguise myself and go to spots I'd never been to, because I was not supposed to . It wouldn't look good that a woman like me would hang around places like this. Yet it was giving me some sense of freedom, something I had sought after for a long time. I could let my guard down for a few hours. I didn’t have to worry as much about how I should act, who was around me and how I looked. Certainly for some… Many people, something like that isn’t such a big deal, but that’s the life I had been accustomed to. Appearances were everything, showcasing yourself in the best way possible to the outside world, no matter what. 

⏤ “I knew you would…” Her smile became a bit cheeky, I giggled and  continued sipping on my coffee.  

Suddenly I caught a glimpse of the table next to us. A man was reading the newspaper which prompted me to ask if she had heard the latest news. 

⏤ “Have you heard that Arthur Rubinstein is starting a tour around America?”

Christine's attention to the subject was immediate, like a puppy being called to have some food. Eyes alert. 

⏤ “When?”

⏤ “It’s going to start next week, here, in New York” I grabbed a napkin.

⏤ “Where?” She seemed so intrigued… Excited, yet there was some hesitation I could sense coming from her.

⏤ “Carnegie Hall” I gave away more information to sink in with her, everso curious about her continued reaction. 

⏤ “I’d love to go” Yet she didn’t show any real sign that meant that. In any case she seemed more uneasy than anything, but still, I continued on. I concluded within myself that I couldn’t just assume how she felt about going solely by reading her wishy-washy reaction. 

⏤ “And then there will be a reception at the Ritz-Carlton to follow…” A chance to meet Arthur Rubinstein? I heavily fancied the idea of being able to and I presumed Christine would too. 

⏤ “Oh gosh, I never met him… I’ve only ever heard some of his pieces, I don’t think I could utter even a word to him… I’d get too nervous. Besides, in any case it’s probably impossible to get tickets now… With it starting next week and all.”

⏤ “Don’t you worry, I have my ways… Now what do you say? Should we go?”

⏤ “I’d… Love to”

Later that day, after having more time to think over her reaction, I realized why it all seemed so strange… Why her words hadn’t exactly matched the sentiment she displayed. She probably knew, just as I did, what it truly meant to show up to an event like that… That there was a high possibility that appearing in such a place could bring forth unwelcomed encounters with more than unwanted individuals. It was clear to me now, that what I had seen within her earlier in the day was dread… Panic over what could happen. In a way, I too had a similar fear. Though mine far surpassed that of just attending such events, it traversed to even appearing outside of my own home at all. Though, in many thanks to Christine herself, I was starting to lose most, if not all, of the initial panic that used to arise every time I walked out the door. It was refreshing… I was able to incite real motivation within myself to do more. I felt like I was making real progress… That I was getting better. I hoped that perhaps, alongside me, Christine too would be able to overcome the apprehension I presumed she felt when it came to affairs like these. 

I pinned my hopes on that it would be an overall emotionally uneventful night… A trouble-free and enjoyable time to share between Christine and I. How naive of me to think that nothing would happen that night… How very, very naive. 

***

 

Set on a Friday night, it was the opening day of the tour and Carnegie hall was packed, filled to the absolute brim. Ultimately, I was successful in getting the tickets for the two of us. Not only that, but I was able to carve a way in for us to attend the after party as well. It was mid-spring and I, embracing the agreeable weather, chose to wear a dress that highlighted my back, shoulders, and overall silhouette. It was a gold chiffon dress that simulated a triangle shape on my torso - highlighting my small waist-, with a long skirt that had a slight train. It was sophisticated enough, without being too over the top, for an event like this. 

Christine on the other hand wore a blue organza dress with a strapless corset that highlighted her neckline and bosom. Her skirt, thanks to the layered fabric, was puffy and nicely accentuated her waistline. She looked stunning, so much so that just upon entering the venue she was already stealing looks from men by the masses. 

If I had to say so myself, the first half of the night went by perfectly. Though we barely got there in time and I barely saw any familiar faces, perhaps mostly due to our arrival time, everyone else I saw seemed to act normal towards me. I was able to completely avoid any uncomfortable comments or discussions that could make me feel anxious. I imagined that maybe it was also awkward for other people to speak on such real delicate subjects with me, so the people we did encounter pretended like nothing had happened and they all greeted Christine and I with nothing but excitement. I knew that the enthusiasm they showcased was more than likely not genuine, but it was good enough for me. In totality, the only real unexpected reaction I got from anyone was the surprise I saw in many of their eyes when they learned that only the two of us had come to the event without an actual date. Perhaps if I were still in the same headspace as a year ago, it too would have felt quite unnatural for me to be going without a male companion tonight. Though now it just felt uncomfortable to me… I didn’t want to have a man by my side tonight and I surely didn’t want to meet any men as well whatsoever. 

Rubinstein was magical. He was well known for interpreting Chopin, and it felt like I was listening to his work for the first time. He gave it a new sound, a different energy. It was mesmerizing, so much so that it felt like time flew by. At some point, I had closed my eyes as I felt like the music was taking over me, providing me with the time to unwind for a minute. I had been piqued at myself earlier that I didn't have my glasses with me and wouldn’t be able to see the intricate movement of Rubinstein's fingers on the piano, but now I all but didn’t care. It had been so long since I had been able to disconnect from everything, even just for a moment, to feel so serene that I could travel somewhere else in my mind than this reality. 

A standing ovation ended it all, and I was exuding happiness from being able to witness Rubinstein's showcase. I had missed this… all of it. It had been a while… since the last time that I was able to truly enjoy music. The euphoria I received listening to such delicately crafted and tuned pieces like this is why I loved attending concerts, it is why I had been such a frequent spectator to the showcasing of so many musicians prior to my incident. Nothing on this earth could ever give me the satisfaction and bliss that music gave me. Though the night had been nearly ideal so far, right after we walked into the Ritz-Carlton ballroom for the afterparty, everything seemed to completely change. I don’t believe either of us really knew to the full extent of what was soon to happen.  

The salon was almost full, and there were so many familiar faces and high profile guests that it was all overwhelming. Yet, in a shared, knowing glance, we walked over to one of the bars, figuring that having a couple drinks would make it easier to start the second part of the evening. 

⏤ “Is my lipstick okay?” Christine asked, as she showed me her lips. 

⏤ “It is. Your makeup looks quite lovely tonight… Let me get a better look at it…” I held her chin between two fingers, softly and slowly moving her face from left to right. She had a soft silver eyeshadow delicately applied to her eyelids which I had never seen before on anyone else. The glimmering color made her big blue eyes pop, taking one's attention immediately. Paired with that were intensely crimson red lips, with a glow that made them look plump. We had been in quite the rush to get to the concert and with the darkness of the limousine, along with theater followed right after, I hadn’t had the opportunity to examine and thus fully appreciate how stunningly beautiful my friend looked. It was frankly overpowering, especially when she opened her eyes to look back at me. I was left with no words. 

⏤ “Does it look bad? Be honest…” She asked as I hadn’t yet said anything and I presumed my face was lacking any real expression. 

⏤ “No… Not at all… You look divine.” I reassured her. 

⏤ “Well, you don’t look so bad yourself.” She then giggled as she poked fun at me. After that, our attention was quickly drawn to the band who, all of the sudden, changed their music as the protagonist of the night walked into the ballroom. Everyone started to clap, including us. 

While everyone had their eyes stuck on him, without even noticing, my gaze diverted from the man and back onto Christine. I couldn’t help but notice the gorgeous necklace she was adorning. With blue crystals and, what I can assume, was white gold, it paired beautifully to the color of her dress. Though even more attention grabbing was her cleavage… A part of her physique that her well-designed dress really pulled focus to. I hadn’t noticed until then, her attributes, if you could call it that. It was pretty bold, perhaps even on the edge of being tasteless to some… Though I remained on the more ambivalent side of things. As I was pondering my thoughts about her… display , it hadn’t even registered in my mind to stop staring at her, which was incredibly rude of me. Only when everyone stopped clapping to either resume chatting and drinking or approach the famous pianist  did I realize my blunder and snap out of my gaze. 

Christine then turned to me, to speak near my ear since, thanks to the music and overall booming noise from the crowd, it was so hard to hear each other.  

⏤ “I just wish I could get a bit closer and try to talk to him” She said as she stared at Rubinstein all beady-eyed. “But I don’t think he’ll find anything I have to say all that interesting…” She then looked at me with an almost innocent expression on her face, as though she was just an insecure fan at heart. 

⏤ “Foolish talk… I don’t see how he would find you any bit uninteresting.”

Just as she was about to say something back in response to me, she froze and I noticed her go immediately pale as if she had spotted something… Or perhaps someone. I decided to follow her gaze to see none other than Alexander Hollenious casually strolling towards us. I could tell, as he raised a brow, that he too was in a state of surprise. I brought my attention back to Christine who had actively shut down in the matter of seconds, a typical sort of reaction to seeing her former lover, I believed. 

⏤ “Oh what a pleasure to see you tonight, Miss Wright” He was so quick to compose himself from his staggered reaction that it was quite impressive… Even leaning on the edge of terrifying. He then grabbed my manicured hand to give it a kiss while he looked at my eyes. Then, right after that, he threw a quick look to Christine that exuded a high level of sourness. It was incredibly awkward and I was already feeling tense being in the presence of these two together. 

⏤ “Hollenious” I acknowledged him with a small smile, out of politeness.

⏤ “It seems that we’re in full spring and that summer is coming soon. Are you planning to go to the beach anytime soon?” His theatrical way of speaking threw me off immediately. 

A wave of dizziness came over me just by him calling to such a question. I wondered why he would speak like that at this moment, a normal introductory question would have been something related to the concert that we had just viewed… Why would he bring such a delicate subject to me? He was not even remotely close enough to me to make such an insensitive comment. I was petrified, thinking… Almost knowing that he was making a direct reference to what had occurred. Though I felt so embarrassed, so overwhelmed that I didn’t even know how to reply to him in the protesting manner I really wanted to. 

⏤ “Perhaps…” I barely muttered, almost stuttering, numb from shame. 

⏤ “Good. But I just must warn you to be careful with those leeches there. Good evening, ladies.” Suddenly everything changed, the mood in the air became instantly dour. It appeared to me that comment had come with second intentions as he declared it, looking Christine right in the eyes with pure anger. And just like that… He vanished. 

The small hairs on my neck stood up when it finally hit me, the aim behind his seemingly calculated speech . His vile words stung deeply, right where he wanted to: On my trust to Christine. I felt sick to my stomach… I felt like running. He was alerting me… Trying to make me see something that maybe I wasn’t seeing in her. I gave her a look, as though I didn’t know who was next to me any longer. Was it all a front ? Was she just like all the others ? 

I grabbed the hem of my skirt and left the ballroom at once, looking for some air to breathe. Being inside that room made me feel as though I was in some type of prison, I knew that if I spent any  moment longer in there I would start to panic not only internally… But externally. I walked out as fast as I could, just avoiding sprinting. The last thing I wanted to do was make it obvious how upset I was and cause a scene. I felt as If I wasn’t able to control my breath at all, I was on the verge of crying, about to fall to my knees in anguish.  How could a man that I barely knew completely shatter my spirit with just a sentence? It was dawning on me that, after all, I was still weak, that there was still a long way to go for me to actually feel alright, to find some sense of stability no matter what is presented to me. 

In my emotional turmoil, I found a deserted balcony just at the end of one of the long hallways of the gigantic hotel; I didn’t even really know if I could go there, but I went ahead anyway. I gasped for air, as the breeze of the nocturnal spring hit my face. I grabbed the handrail tightly, as if my life depended on it. I was trembling all over, I thought perhaps it was due to the surprisingly low temperatures… Or perhaps it was really due to the complete dismay of possibly being fooled with. 

Who was Christine? Was she truly the woman she claimed to be? What if everything she had told me was all lies… Crafted stories so I would sympathize with her. I could not tell right then and there, but I deduced that I really didn’t matter to her… It was all about my money and influence. Once again someone had sought “friendship” in me for their own gain… And I had stupidly fallen into the same old trap. I craved a cigarette to calm myself, I thought perhaps I could find some solace in it and bring down the wretched feeling I was experiencing. I pulled one out from my evening bag, my hands shaking. I desperately tried to light the cigarette but I just wasn’t able to do it.  I cursed and cursed at my stupidity, my anger rising ever so quickly, so much was happening and unfortunately it was all at once. All the memories I had been trying to let go came rushing back into my mind along with the negativity they were surrounded with. I had trusted her, I had been vulnerable to her and shared my past. The fact that she could be just exactly like the others that had hurt me in the past frightened and vexed me to the core. 

When I finally lit my fag and took a drag from it, I sighed out loud and rubbed my temples. I could feel a headache coming. Slowly my distress turned from Christine as I started to blame myself. I shouldn’t have trusted a stranger… I shouldn’t have sought out this woman to bring a solution to my cries of help. It was quite obvious that I had acted like a naive youngster and my instincts were anything but good, simply filled with unfounded and unobtainable illusions. I mean… As the past had shown, who would actively try to be a friend of mine, without the riches and notoriety being involved? 

It was so embarrassing, all of it. For me to trust her, for me to search for her in hopes to find a true friend, for me to actively bring her into my life, and even thinking of her as a future intimate friend. Christine was a leech , and none other than Alexander Hollenious was showing me the truth before it was too late.  Yet it was hard not to think of the question: What now? 

As conclusions were made, as I looked for some serenity with a cigarette, as I blinked away some pathetic tears, I heard her voice calling for me. Unfortunately, she had found me, immediately stepping in the reduced space I had looked for solace.

⏤ “Helen” Her voice sounded worried, and she was right to be. 

I ignored her presence, I didn’t even look back at her nor acknowledge her. I wasn’t thinking anymore, I was just so overcome by so many emotions, I felt like shutting down but the anger that was inside of me prevented me from doing so, as it took the lead in front of all of my other feelings. I heard her close the large doors that lead to the hallway behind me and the sounds of her heels clacking on the tile-based floor as she approached me. 

⏤ “Helen… It’s not what it seems like…”  A phrase that could only be indicative of the fact that it all was exactly as it had been suggested. For the first time, I heard a sense of nervousness coming through from Christine, as her German accent started to get thicker. 

The smoke came out from my lips as I then slowly turned my eyes to her, now by my side, defyingly. 

⏤ “Oh it’s not? What is it then? You weren’t just pretending to be my friend? You didn’t want me to just essentially give you your career back?” I wanted to make her feel what I was feeling, I was only seeing red. 

Her face became bitterly askew as she heard my accusations towards her. 

⏤ “That is not true at all! You haven’t even the slightest of ideas of what happened between us! You haven’t any grounds to take his words as fact!” Her voice trembled, still unable to conceal her origins as she spoke. 

I huffed but then quickly humorously smiled. I couldn’t believe that she would even think such an excuse like that would work. I started to then make even sharper, vicious remarks. 

⏤ “I don’t? Why don’t you enlighten me then? Did you just end up in Hollenious’ house all by accident? You just suddenly had an apartment and a successful career all out of the blue?” 

She squinted her eyes, her face becoming increasingly morose as it seemed she could not believe what was coming out from my lips. 

⏤ “What is it exactly that you are trying to suggest?” 

I took another drag from the cigarette. 

⏤ “Nothing particularly… It just seems quite clear to me that he was very eloquent and precise with what he was implying”

Like a kettle placed on a flame, everything started to become more and more heated by the second. 

⏤ “It didn’t mean shit! I didn’t keep anything that he gave me! So don’t you speak on things you don’t even know about!” She raised her voice, though it didn’t make me step back from the exchange, on the contrary, I continued with even more fervor. 

⏤ “Do tell, why would he lie to me? Why would he try to warn me about you? He could have ignored it and me, but he didn’t. He barely knows me and yet he still did it… For a reason!” I expressed these, what now seemed to be extremely valid, points as they came into my mind to her. 

She seemed to be in disbelief. 

⏤ “Are you serious? Helen Wright, now just who do you think are? If you care so much over if i’m going to take your money then you can shove it! I never needed it nor asked for it!”  Things were escalating even more and by this rate I knew this conflict between us was not going to end in a good way whatsoever. Then, unexpectedly she paused, like her thoughts and feelings had just been invaded by something else pertinent to our discussion. “ … Or maybe… It’s something else…” 

⏤ “Something else?” Now it was my turn to frown and feeling thrown off by her pointed comments. 

⏤ “Well it’s entirely clear that you’re just scared I’m going to be another Paul Boray to you…”  My face fell as I heard his name come out from her mouth, a chill ran up through my spine as it elicited nothing but terrible memories.

⏤ “What? Where did you hear that?” I immediately questioned, eyes wide open. 

⏤ “It seems everybody knew but me! Me, who you used to call a friend but never even so as touched on the fact that it was him who used to be your lover and screwed you over just for a career.” I felt my face go pale as she spoke of the topic with barely any sensitivity to such a private matter. 

⏤ “Shut it! You have no idea what you’re talking about!” I immediately shouted. Her cutthroat words swiftly elicited a physical reaction and I got threateningly close to her. I suddenly grabbed her by the chin with a great deal of roughness but restrained myself from slapping her. 

But then her eyes went dark, and her jaw became tense, as she exhaled in rage. With the next words, completely devoid of any accent, she completely and totally threw me off: 

⏤ “Now you know what it feels like”

Silence. I visibly swallowed as I was left speechless for a few seconds, shoulders slowly dropping after all the animosity was subsiding. I doubted myself for a second as she made me think of what I was doing. Yet I couldn’t back down, not now. 

⏤ “Leave!” I took my hands off her and looked to the side as the tense eye contact at this point was unbearable.

⏤ “It would be my pleasure” She said with wrath, with roughness, with the desire of never seeing my face again. Just like that, she turned herself and left me alone on that balcony, wondering if I had actually done the right thing.

Notes:

the gurlsss are fightinggggggggg

Chapter 4: Act 3: Truce

Summary:

I wanted to know, I needed to know what had happened between Christine and Hollenious. I was yearning to know if she had been sincere with me all along.

Notes:

TW: Mention of suicide attempt

I gripped the interior car handle, my heart was beating fast and erratically, my mind was overcome with an immense amount of worry. It wasn’t easy to express how I felt right now, how sorry I was for how everything had unfolded between Christine and I that dreadful night. It was more than embarrassing, the way I went about things and behaved, my attitude had been similar to that of a youngster throwing a tantrum, devoid of any forethought to both my actions and words.  My recognition of my extensive misconduct and shame was the reason why I was here now, sitting in my car right outside of Christine’s building, ready to walk up to her flat and ask to be given just a moment of her time. 

I admit, I didn’t immediately feel ashamed of my behavior following the concert that night. I was seething from presumptive feelings that I had been, once again, cheated and exploited by someone whom I thought genuinely cared for me. They were feelings I had before and having them even cross my mind caused me to go into an absolute rage. It wasn’t until I had a session with my therapist soon after that I started to reexamine everything that had happened and reconsider my behavior. Just like a doe assisting her fawn to walk, he accompanied and guided me in my explorative recount of the night. 

⏤ “From an outsider's perspective, it's understandable what you did and how you reacted… But, not everything is always what it seems… Right? And you’re pretty familiar with that, aren’t you? I nodded, listening intently. “Although what you heard from Hollenious does sound pretty condemning for Christine, it’s only his point of view, his alone” 

⏤ “ What do you mean?” I was completely focused on his thoughts and statements.

⏤ “Well, Christine was right, you don’t really know how everything had actually unfolded between the two of them, after all it was a pretty private matter. You don’t know what kind of person Hollenious is, nor do you know how he feels towards Christine. Perhaps, as you assumed, he was slighted by her and was acting in a warning manner upon seeing her with you. On the other hand, perhaps he hadn’t been and he has a grudge against her so, no matter what she does, he will try to sabotage her. What he said to you could be true… But it also could very well not be. His intention could have been to help you… Or it could have been to ruin Christine’s reputation and get some selfish satisfaction. But you couldn’t know, right? You didn’t take a critical view of both parties, you took only one person's words, Hollenious', and made them out to be the truth and nothing but the truth. Am I correct?”

⏤ “Yes, I just went by pure instinct” 

⏤ “And that within itself is completely normal. But, you do have to recognize that your instinct has a hidden, biased, effect wrapped within it. It seems you are still afraid that someone could hurt you the way Paul did, your guard is still up even though you may think it's not. Your past experiences made you side with a stranger, rather than your friend.” 

⏤ “That’s exactly what she said…” I looked down at the cigarette sitting between my fingers, realizing that perhaps I really had been too quick in judging Christine. 

⏤ “And thus, her response was also quite normal in action. She, in all likelihood, felt very hurt because in just a matter of seconds, you sided with the person she has a distinctable amount of animosity with. When you blindly believed him and not her, she in turn flipped the situation from her onto you to show you how deep those words could hurt.” 

⏤ “You mean when she made the comment about Paul?” I felt a chill run down my spine as everything started to make sense. 

⏤ “Exactly. She repeated, what I suppose, she knew as rumours without being sympathetic towards how you would feel in hearing them. The way you felt when you heard her say those words, it is only realistic that was the exact same thing she experienced when you believed Hollenious over her”

⏤ “I understand that… Now” I nodded, eyes still fixed on my cigarette as I crushed the but on the ashtray. Yet there was still some doubt lingering in my mind. “But what if I am still not sure as to who is actually telling the truth?”
⏤ “ I haven’t a definitive answer towards who you should or should not believe. That’s something you have to figure out, while talking to her, it’s the only way that your uncertainty can be resolved. Though if you choose not to talk with her any further, this is an experience in which you can reflect on in the future to show you that sometimes we don’t really know just how people can deceive us. We don’t automatically know what’s right or wrong if we’re not present in other peoples experiences. We need to cool off, think, and only then speak. And remember, impartial communication is key, in any discussion, with anyone that you will have from here on out.” 

After that, my perspective on the matter totally changed. I took away the majority, if not truthfully all, of the anger I had put onto Christine and saw it all in a different light. Yet that change in my outlook toward the whole situation still wasn’t enough for me. Everything that happened that night was still running its course through my head, plaguing my mind. No matter how many days passed by or what I did, I was still full of incertitude and questions. I was second guessing each and every decision I had made that night, each word I spoke to Christine. I was so restless each and every night because of such reflections that I began experiencing very difficult bouts of insomnia. Not only was I so very uncomfortable with what had transpired between Christine and I, but I was also filled with a terrible feeling of losing, if I had not already in fact lost, a friend. 

I wanted to know, I needed to know what had happened between Christine and Hollenious. I was yearning to know if she had been sincere with me all along. Though I didn’t want to question Christine, let alone Hollenious, over something that I might not even ever get the answers to. So, in an effort to solve this dilemma I had put myself in I, while I wasn’t necessarily proud of it, hired a private detective. However, I made sure not to say anything too detailed to the detective, Mr. Caine, so he wouldn’t in turn be biased by my own assumptions. I relayed to Mr. Caine that I just simply wanted to know more about Christine and what her relationship with Hollenious was… Or rather what it truly used to be. What frankly surprised me is that it didn’t even take him as long as I thought it would have to find all the answers I could possibly want. All in all it only took him under a week to contact me to let me know he was ready to give his report. It seems that Hollenious’ butler isn’t really one to be trusted with your secrets, as he spilled all the beans and more for just a few measly bucks. When I met up with Mr. Caine again, seated on the passenger side of his car in a parking lot, he gave me a taste of my own medicine without even knowing. 

⏤ “Christine Radcliffe, an alias for her real identity which seemingly remains undocumented and unknown by all but one, came to America in December 1939, right after the beginning of the war. She worked as a waitress, telephone operator, and secretary at a small newspaper agency. With and in between all of these primary jobs, Christine also worked part time as a pianist at a small bar in the Bronx. It’s estimated that she met Alexander Hollenious right around the end of 1940, early 1941. Hollenious’ butler told me that after meeting they were practically inseparable as their relationship shifted from teacher and pupil to lovers, which was primarily conducted by Alexander. Hollenious, charmed and impressed by her talent and beauty provided Christine with every career opportunity he could attain for her. In addition to said opportunities, he also gifted Christine many extravagant things including a penthouse in which he filed under her name. He solely had complete and total oversight to the furniture, to the decor, overall to the  whole design of the place. The butler explained to me that Mr. Hollenious is quite the maniac with perfectionism, he always picks everything carefully, following only what he likes and it was quite uncommon, more so nonexistent, for him to ever let her have a say in anything, I mean any-thing , at all. Anyways, it seems that everything changed, when in early 1946 she got married out of nowhere to a man no one knew or had heard of before, including both Hollenious and the butler.” 

⏤ “Novak, right?” 

⏤ “Exactly. Karel Novak, the one person I previously alluded to who is presumed to know Mrs. Radcliffe’s real identity, came to America at the beginning of February 1946. He and Christine, in a quite expeditious manner, got married in the following month of March. According to the butler, Alexander was very disturbed and became exceptionally furious when he found out. It turned out that Mr. Novak and the relationship he and Mrs. Radcliffe had before they had been separated was a secret Mrs. Radcliffe hid from Hollenious from the beginning. From what the staff heard in conversations Hollenious had over the phone, the two had been a couple before Mrs. Radcliffe came to America and upon reuniting, immediately tied the knot right under his nose without him suspecting a thing as he hadn’t even known of his existence, both then and now, in the first place. That’s when everything changed and their relationship completely broke. Though it cannot be assumed how Mrs. Radcliffe felt about Hollenious, she never told her now husband that she had an affair, or more so relationship, with Hollenious. With this, Hollenious used her lack of honesty to essentially intimidate her and get his own sort of retribution. He created a concerto, assigning Novak as the protagonist and spending much time with him. In the meantime, Mrs. Radcliffe became extremely paranoid of Hollenious’ true intentions and if, or  perhaps more so when, he would disclose the true nature of his relationship with Radcliffe. This in turn caused a lot of quarrels between the two when she clandestinely visited the composer.” 

Mr. Caine was providing me with quite the narration of events and so far, everything seemed to be lining up exactly with what Christine had told me before. Now I felt an even more extensive amount of guilt than I had before rising up in me for the outburst of anger I threw her way weeks ago. 

⏤ “What happened then?” I questioned, audibly somber, knowing that couldn’t possibly be where it all ended. 

⏤ “Well, it’s not quite clear. Though the most prominent of rumours detail that Hollenious ended up telling Novak the truth following the big concerto and a terrible argument ensued. After that, everything changed. Mrs. Radcliffe and Mr. Novak moved, leaving the penthouse they were living in, the one that was gifted to Mrs. Radcliffe, behind. The property was thereafter placed under Hollenious’ name. Meanwhile, even though Mrs. Radcliffe and Mr. Novak actually stayed together for some time after all that happened, the marriage soon broke. It is proposed that they tried to restore their relationship after the truth came out, but ultimately they were unsuccessful in reconciling between them both. Though they still remain legally married, they both live on their own now. Novak moved to an apartment in Manhattan, and Radcliffe lives in Yorkville. She’s working at the New York College of Music as a professor. Meanwhile he´s touring as a cello soloist. But… Alas, like I said, the second to last part is more so just an assumption made by the masses. No one truly knows why they split, nor why they still remain legally married.”

Every word Mr. Caine had just divulged to me was completely to the hilt of what Chrsitine had confided to me. It seemed that she in fact really never lied to me, not once. I couldn’t believe that I had ever doubted her after she was so emotionally forthcoming with me. Not only that, I too could not believe that my distrust in her went so far that I had actually hired a private detective to tell me all that I had already practically heard. 

⏤ “ So… That’s all that I had found. Are you satisfied with the information I obtained?” He asked as he handed me an envelope, with a few pictures he had taken of Christine coming out of her apartment as well as a few of her outside of the college. 

⏤ “ I am, thank you for your service. Here 's your check.” I gave Mr. Caine his paycheck and soon after that he excused himself and left my car.

⏤ “Thank you Miss Wright. Have a good day. Don’t hesitate to reach back out to me with any of your future inquiries.” 

I shuddered at the mere thought of ever again stooping so low to seek his service. 

 

***

 

I rang the bell, but there was no reply. I don’t know why I had been so confident that I would find her home at this hour. I looked at my watch, it was almost to the hour of her, unofficially set, usual time for dinner. Perhaps she was out and that’s why she’s not answering. Though with whom? She had disclosed to me before that she hasn’t really fancied going out, besides apparently with me, for some time, be it with colleagues or others. It is feasible that after our argument that had changed but… I just couldn’t find a definitive answer to explain why my calls with the bell remain unanswered. So I waited… And waited, with all sorts of questions roaming about my mind. Just then a young woman walked up to the door and let herself in. Without even a second glance back at me she held the door with her foot, exclaiming that she too has often forgotten her keys to get back into the building. I hesitated for a moment, but after a few seconds I decided to stop second guessing and made use of the stranger's kind gesture as I walked in. I had to have this talk with Christine, no matter what. 

I arrived at her floor, walked up to her apartment door and knocked. Some part of me still hoped that she wasn’t home or perhaps, if she was in there, she was too busy and couldn’t open up. Again, there was no answer. Instead of acting on my first instinct to just leave, I stayed and decided to wait until she either came back home or finally opened up. 

After around probably twenty minutes or so, I started to crave a cigarette. I leant against Christine's door and searched through my bag for my cigarettes when I heard a noise at the end of the hallway. I looked up as the elevator opened and Christine came out of it, a bag of groceries in her hand and her sight glued to the floor. I left the search for my cigarettes alone and fixed my posture. Now standing straight, I could feel the uneasy sensation of anxiety making its way back into my body, starting at my feet until it reached my heart and made it uncontrollably race as she got closer and closer to me. It wasn’t until she grabbed her keys from her pants pocket that she looked up and found me, an internally jumbled mess, standing next to her apartment door. 

Her eyes opened wide and her keys fell from her hand. I immediately picked them up for her and extended my reach to give them back to her. When my eyes once again met hers, her facial expression completely changed as she now showed herself with a more severe look on her face. 

⏤ “Helen… What are you doing here?” Her voice mirrored the same exact sentiment she had on her face.

⏤ “Christine, I’m sorry for showing up so unexpectedly but… I need to talk to you.” Even though I still felt severely embarrassed about my previous actions, I knew talking to her was the only way to resolve this feeling of shame… I knew I had to do the right thing. 

⏤ “About what?” She didn’t seem any bit entertained by the idea and I discerned a great deal of anger lingering in the air surrounding us. 

⏤ “About that night…” I said, my voice cracking mid sentence.

Her eyes remained glued to me… Emotionless, but I was still able to see that she was considering my proposition from the lack of any immediate reply from her. She then sighed out loud as she proceeded to walk past me and opened the door. I was convinced for a moment that she decided against my proposal and this was her way of saying no , but then I heard a quiet utterance from behind me. 

⏤ “Come in.” I turned my head to look back at her and she was waiting, holding onto the door with her free hand.
I decided to quicken my pace and get inside before she spent any more time holding onto that heavy bag because of me. Soon after that she closed the door and made her way to, I presumed, her kitchen 

⏤ “Make yourself comfortable” She said brusquely from the other room while I had a quick scan of her living room. 

The first thing that caught my attention was her upright Steinway piano, its lacquered black surface gently dulled by age and touch. A thin stack of sheet music lay atop it, though I didn’t dare go over to check the composer, afraid one simple breath of mine could cause them to move or even fall and I didn’t want to cause any other sort of disarray in Christines life. The walls were lined with overflowing bookshelves, with publications about music theory, classical biographies, and even fictional novels too. A metronome remained perched on the windowsill, ready to click rhythmically when in use. 

There were a lot of little knick knacks and chatchkes about the living room that seemed to have come from her birthplace. Though, to my surprise, there were very few photos posted about the room. While I waited for her, I couldn’t help but notice one of the said photographs which showcased her and Novak, on their wedding day I presumed. She looked like a starlet, so divine and positively glowing. While he sported a small, shy smile. I guess he was handsome enough, though I wouldn’t categorize him as my type at all. 

I decided to seat myself on the main sofa, which was fairly comfortable and seemed like it could fit at least three people, as I waited for her to comeback

⏤ “Do you want something to drink?” Christine, being polite enough to someone she really didn’t have to be, asked from the other room.

⏤ “Oh, no thank you, I’m fine” I responded timidly. 

I continued to examine her living room and noticed her Victrola. She had a great deal of records placed in a storage rack right next to the sound system, but before I could go over and check them, she was back. 

Christine was still sporting the same look on her face and it appeared her mood had not changed whatsoever. Though I couldn’t really harp upon it because after all I did and now spontaneously invading her private space, I couldn’t possibly imagine a miraculous change of disposition. Just by looking at her, I was panicky over how she was going to react to conversing with me, but I knew that I had to try and push forward, I had nothing to lose. 

⏤ “So, what all is it that you wanted to talk about?” She asked as she sat down, sitting near me but still a ways away. 

I had to be the woman I knew myself to very well be, I had to take responsibility for my actions and be nothing but sincere to her. 

⏤ “Well… First of all, I wanted to apologize to you for all those terrible things I said to you. You were right, you never do truly, fully, know what another person has gone through and how it has affected them. It wasn’t right in any capacity for me to, so quickly, make assumptions towards you. I spoke out of ignorance when I didn’t have a right to speak on a matter that didn’t involve me nor concern me.”

Christine nodded, in silence, listening to me attentively. 

⏤ “I’m glad you recognize that and I’m thankful for your apology. Although, I do understand why reacted like that. What Hollenious said about me wasn’t necessarily… Favorable and with your own distressing past experiences, it’s not really too shocking that it caused such a stir within you.” She sighed once again as she broke the gaze we were sharing, her eyes lingering around the room. “Yet, I was going to explain to you what was going on but I just couldn’t get through to you.” 

⏤ “ I know… I am truly sorry.” I immediately said, meeting her gaze as she returned back to our shared eye contact. 

⏤ “What I had wanted to say that night is that Hollenious, although he gave me a lot, materialistically speaking, I returned everything to him and kept not even one thing. All I kept were things that I had acquired on my own. The true nature of things is that I never once wanted him to give me anything nor did I ever ask him to buy anything from me, all of it was on his own accord. I can swear my life on that.” 

⏤ “I know Christine, I shouldn't have taken his words so seriously.”

⏤ “Holleniuous can be very cruel when he wants to. He thought, or perhaps maybe even still thinks that I was his property, but not anymore. The fact that he’s still sour about my departure from him makes me regret ever encountering him. Because of him, Novak and I are separated and even though yes, the majority of it is my fault because I hadn’t done the right thing and been forthcoming with Novak right from the beginning, he made sure to make things only that much worse than they had to be.”

⏤ “ I truly hope you don’t mind me asking and please do tell me if I’m being too intrusive but… What did he exactly do?” I asked. Even though I knew, thanks to Mr. Caine, what Hollenious had done to Novak and Christine, I still didn’t know the  full scope of how things really went down and was hoping for some more insight to better understand Christine’s feelings towards Hollenious. 

⏤ “After Novak’s big debut in America, precisely right after he finished  and went to his dressing room, he followed him in and told him everything, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. Previously giving him heaven on earth with a concerto all to himself, he placed himself at a good standpoint in the room so he could drag him down into hell alongside him and have everyone… I mean everyone hear it. I always think back to that time and wonder if maybe, had he let me do it on my own, things wouldn’t have been as disastrous as they had been. After that, Novak and I were never the same. Novak gave me a look I will never forget… Like he… He didn’t know who I was anymore, what kind of woman I was. For all I know, he wasn’t in the wrong to look at me like that, I didn’t… I don’t deserve him, he’s better off without me. I mean, he went through hell during the war… Still keeping out hope that we would find each other once more when the time was right. I couldn’t dare to break his heart then, that ‘s why I kept the truth to myself for so long” At last, the last piece of the puzzle I was searching for fell in place and, with her candidness, I fully understood what Christine went through. It all made sense now and I felt that it might explain why she appeared so somber and was feeling so blue by herself that night at the bar.

⏤ “I understand now, and I feel so guilty for speaking without knowing what was behind all that. I cannot express how bad I feel” And it was true, my ill behavior and the rotten feeling I had towards it had plagued my mind for days and days… And days. 

⏤ “After all Helen… You were not the only one who sinned. I also have to apologize for what I said, I stepped over the line, and I sounded just as bitter as Hollenious. I’m sorry for saying what I had said about Paul… I truly just spoke in such an unpleasant, god-awful manner.” Now she too was apologizing about her sharp remarks.

⏤ “You’re forgiven Christine… I, as you know, too have not told you everything that happened between Paul and I.” I was quite nervous even speaking his name and about how the conversation could now continue, but yet a part of me felt ready to do so, like I could unburden myself from all this information I was keeping hidden from Christine. 

⏤ “And that’s alright Helen, you don’t have to. It was so arrogant and egotistical of me to say all of that without even thinking, I sought out retribution for what had been said to me at any cost and it was… Just awful.”  I could tell she meant it all, everything that she was confessing to me now. 

⏤ “Oh no… But I want to. You have been so sincere to me just now, and I’ve kept you in the dark. I don’t want to do that anymore.” I said, looking down to my linked, jittery hands. 

⏤ “Helen… Are you sure? Are you certain that you want to share it?” She shifted over closer to me and, like she has done before, placed her hand on mine, making sure that I felt comfortable. 

⏤ “Yes, I need to… I want to…” I took a deep breath, ready to speak on everything I had concealed from her. I suppose Christine had noticed the significant change in demeanor as I wasn’t able to hide my nervousness at this point because I felt her grasp on my hand tighten slightly. 
⏤ “Well, I met Paul at one of my parties I used to hold quite often. He accompanied the pianist I hired for that gathering, and many others as well, and played the violin alongside him in a collaborative piece. He played that instrument with such… Virtuosity and passion that I hadn’t seen in the longest time. He was truly incredible, just extremely talented. After the piece we had a brief exchange and we both went about the night.  Though after that conversation I had with him, I simply couldn’t get him out of my head and it soon proved difficult for me to stay away from him. Like I said, his talent was immense and at the beginning I truly only wanted to be his patron and give him an opportunity for a career I thought he deserved. In my eyes, I was simply acting in a professional manner to have the rest of the country hear his music. Yet he had a peculiar, strong, and feisty personality that made me grow fonder and closer to him, on a personal level. It… He felt like a breath of fresh air that I thought I was severely lacking at that moment. Back then I used to think, as well as feel, that I needed him. Then, after so much anticipation, he made his move. After we started our affair though, I don’t think there was ever a moment where there wasn’t trouble or quarrels between us. We were so different but I refused to see that, I wanted it to work out. I know the loneliness I felt then distorted my thinking but… I felt unloved and I wanted to believe that he was the one and we just had to work on things between us a bit more. But clearly, he was not the one . You see, talent can come paired with a hot temper and big ego that is awfully hard to tame. He felt that his career was first, not I, that music was his life. I wanted to be first and not being that was hard for me to understand then… Or maybe I just didn’t want to.  In any case, it was difficult and it certainly didn’t help that his family didn’t approve of our relationship, particularly his mother. She even went so low as to say that I was in the way of his success.”

⏤ “What happened then?” Christine asked, seeming to be enraptured by the tale I was telling her. 

⏤ “ You hadn’t heard then?” I frowned, our eyes then meeting.

⏤ “No… What?” She seemed confused and then I realized that she had in reality never heard of my attempt, even though I, up until this moment, was so sure she had.

“Oh, well… I” I was completely thrown off and struggled to find my way back into narrating. “Victor knew all along about our affair and he finally decided to give me the divorce I had asked from him before. Though there were no arguments of any sort, we were at peace with that, with the finalized decision. He was truly a gentleman even though I hurt him deeply. Well, after that, just the next day I went to Paul to tell him the news but he didn’t want to hear it. He refused to speak to me or pay any amount of attention to what I had to say as his upcoming concert was more important than what I was about to announce to him. Then it dawned on me, he didn’t love me after all. I was just a pawn in his life to move and play around with until he came into sight of the king, his music and his career.  He came to see me that night while I was at a bar and professed that he wanted to marry me, but I knew his words weren’t sincere. After that I started to completely spiral and… well my thoughts became extreme… they weren’t rational at all. Christine, you must know I have been for the longest time a very unhappy person, fragile and, while I’m not proud to tell you this, also an alcoholic.” It was exceptionally vulnerable to be this vulnerable with someone besides my therapist, but I knew I could confide in her.  

⏤ “ Helen, I am not judging you whatsoever. As you know I too have so many flaws… We all do”  As I looked into her eyes all I could see was compassion and empathy, I felt so grateful for it.

⏤ “I don’t know why I was so sure you had heard what happened… Now, how…” I spoke my thoughts out loud.

⏤ “Hear what Helen?” Christine now seemed more intrigued than ever, and I couldn't blame her. 

⏤ “The night of his concert, I was all dressed up like I was ready to attend, but I couldn’t bring myself to actually go. As a matter of fact, I decided to drive to the countryside and stay at my beach house… Alone. I stayed by myself, listening to the concert live on the radio. I drank so much that night that it was making all the pent up feelings in me even worse…” All of the sudden I was reliving that evening in my head… there was an indescribable pain still lingering inside of me. I wasn’t keen on sharing this part of the story, but I felt that it had to come out from my lips, it needed to get out into the air eventually and I would rather Christine hear it from me than anyone else. Just with my vulnerability, the only person I had ever told the full story to was my therapist, and yet for some reason, when I looked at Christine's eyes, I just knew I could reveal this even deeper and darker aspect about myself. After all, she knew what it was like to be alone, and I knew she would understand me without making me feel ashamed.  “... I felt like I was… Unwanted , not only by Paul but… everyone. I felt lost, and that there was no way I could ever feel loved. I had no one to turn to, I was so… ashamed about how I felt” My voice started to waver.

⏤ “You should never feel ashamed because of how you feel, your feelings are yours, and only yours. I am so sad to hear you had no one to turn to…” Oh if only I had Christine then . 

⏤ “Sometimes you’re in a kind of state of mind that everything just seems condemning, that there is no way of getting out of the devilry life has given you… With all those dark emotions in my heart, I walked down the beach…” I wrapped my arms around me, as if I was hugging myself, as I told her the train of thought I had that led me to that.

⏤ “Dear…” Now Christine sounded utterly worried, and disturbed too.

⏤ “I walked towards the sea… I wanted to be gone from this world” I finally muttered it and  closed my eyes, not wanting to see her reaction.

⏤ “Jesuschrist” Christine cupped my face between her hands as she stared at me for a few seconds, making me open my eyes and stare back at her.

⏤  “I had no idea that…” She then hugged me tightly as I felt the tears streaming down my face. I hadn’t had such a comforting hug in so long that it almost felt liberating. I clinged onto her out of a pure and desperate need of affection… a type which could provide me comfort after revealing my deepest and darkest secret, but also let me know and feel that I wasn’t unwanted… That someone actually cared for me and about me. “I didn’t know about any of that, I’m so… So sorry I made that comment…” My heart felt the grief she was feeling as she spoke those words… It was as if she was in pain too over my previous suffering. 

⏤ “Dear it’s alright, I know that you didn’t mean to… I know that if you had known about it you wouldn't have ever done that…” I said, burying my face in her shoulder.

⏤ “I'm terribly sorry… And I am so sorry you felt you had to do that to yourself Helen, please never let yourself get to that point again by not asking for help… I beg you. I’m here for you” She then ended our hug for us to make eye contact again, her hands now laying on my shoulders, softly caressing them with her thumbs. “ I mean it, I’m here for you, you’ll never feel alone ever again”

⏤ “Thank you for saying that” I sighed as I tried to stop the tears from flowing anymore. I looked down for a moment to then ask her something that I felt was crucial because, after all, it didn’t matter to me anymore: “Please let’s… Pretend that night never happened” I was more than willing to let it go, to pretend as if it never existed.

⏤ “It never did, dearest…” Her warm hands were on the sides of my cheeks again, holding and caressing my face with the utmost care in the world, lingering tears still in our eyes. I was so relieved to hear she felt the same way about it.

⏤ “I want you in my life, I want you to be with me… My dearest friend” I said as I also now mirrored her gesture, feeling her soft skin on my hands, cupping her divine face.

⏤ “I’d like that as well” She sniffled, smiling as our gaze was so tender towards each other. 

It was strange to explain it, but somehow after that conversation, it truly felt like our relationship had just had a before and after experience. There was a newfound sense of peace and tranquility that I hadn’t experienced in so long. It was a pivotal moment for our friendship to grow stronger, and finally feel like it was genuine. What I had craved for, longed for years on end, it was here, within Christine. We revealed to each other our weakest moments where we were full of shame and embarrassment, showing every raw emotion within us. Yet there was still this overwhelmingly comfortable feeling of knowing that the other person wouldn’t mind or judge what was said whatsoever. After that conversation, I knew Christine wasn’t ever going to put a magnifying glass over my persona and tear it apart to dissect my defects. On the contrary, she too opened her wounds for me to see, because she trusted me, and now I trusted her. Now we knew the lowest points of each other, and still didn’t make a spectacle of them, we knew that making an error is human, to fail should be embraced. It was pointless to hide our mistakes from each other, to only show the good sides because, after all,  that type of behavior doesn’t make a good recipe for a strong bond. I strongly believe that had we continued on like we had before, our relationship was bound to fail. 

Right then and there, my heart felt as if it grew ten times its size, and the pure emotion of love and care for her was as big as it has ever been. I knew something special had bloomed between us that day, something I was going to treasure in me from then on. 

***

 

I was moving my glass that laid on the countertop in circular motions, watching aimlessly as the water would make rings across the surface. His eyes were on me as he spoke about a vineyard he was planning on starting back in his home country, probably trying to impress me. I looked back on him and analyzed his face. He was favored with strong cheekbones, eyes a sort of olive green, his jawline was pronounced but a shaving was needed for his five o’clock shadow; his bushy eyebrows made him appear more masculine and his cologne smelled quite expensive. His hair was dark as the night and carefully combed until perfection, appearing to have a good and strong wax in it to keep it in place. He was handsome, actually quite handsome. That’s all that I thought of, that’s what every woman should think of , I told myself.

He was a French-American businessman who happened to be at the same bar I was and he had shown interest in me the minute I walked into the establishment. I didn’t think much of it, going ahead and interacting with him, I was just being polite, after all I was alone. An hour or so had passed since we started talking, but I wasn’t really giving much information about me, I just let him talk.

Before coming here I had tried my hardest to fall asleep but I just couldn't. Around midnight, I left my bed, got ready and left on my own devices to this bar. I craved a drink, to kill time, to not make the night even lonelier. Originally I wanted to call Christine but it was late and I knew she had classes the next day, so that idea was quickly put aside. 

That’s how I found myself in this current position, in a bar of a hotel I’d never been to, with a man whom I’d never seen before and most definitely never see again. He was set to leave the next day, early in the morning to France. Though it seemed he was too entertained with my presence to actually pack and get ready for his trip.

Then…  it all happened so fast, his hand on my hand, his eyes looking over my figure and cleavage; and the strange satisfaction to feel desired, to feel like someone craved me. When I least expected it, I was placed within the darkness of his hotel room. I don’t know how or why I went about this course of action, like it was natural for me to do so, I certainly wasn’t used to such encounters with strangers like this.  Perhaps I could blame the hormones or the lack of physical touch that made me want to be in this position. Maybe the idea of being adored for a few minutes had drawn me to do this, to have the bliss of pretending that someone would make love to me like I was the love of their life. 

I left my belongings on a chair near the door. He turned the light on his nightstand on, and soon after that he approached me, his lips on me with desire, and for a moment I forgot how it felt to kiss. His big hands were all over my waist and hips, and I barely was able to wrap my arm around his shoulders. My legs were trembling and my pulse was erratic. It felt as if I was no longer really present in the moment. He then proceeded to feel my curves, caressing my behind like he had wanted to do that all night.

After that, he started to take off his jacket without breaking our kiss, and soon followed with his shirt. When my hands laid, this time on his bare chest, something happened to me. While feeling his naked, hairy torso, everything suddenly dawned on me, of what I was doing and the situation I had put myself into. I froze and left his lips, in utter disgust. I didn’t want this, I didn’t want him.

⏤ “You alright?” He immediately asked, and I looked at him with  a blank stare and confusion.

⏤ “I… I can’t do this, I’m sorry” I stated as I breathed heavily. He frowned, also confused at my sudden change but before anything else could happen or anything else could be said, I grabbed my handbag and fled from that cold room. I almost ran towards the elevator, and as it was closing down, I heard his voice calling for me but I was frightened. I was embarrassed, I didn’t dare look in his direction. 

⏤ “Everything alright, Miss?” I totally forgot about the existence of the bellboy in the elevator, since I was completely thrown off by what just happened.

⏤ “Yes” I heard my own voice tremble. Standing in the elevator I realized that, thanks to the kissing, my rouge must have been all smudged.  I grabbed a handkerchief from my purse and quickly tried to clean it before I put myself in another embarrassing situation. Luckily that boy didn’t look back at me again until I left that elevator. And maybe that was for the better.

It wasn’t until I was back on my driveway, hands on the steering wheel, the engine off, that I exploded. I cried out loud, as I let my forehead rest on that cold wheel. Tears streamed down my face as I felt so terribly conflicted with myself, so disturbed by my own desires but also fears. What just happened? What did I really want from that encounter? Was I relapsing into despair ? Doing things that were making me uncomfortable but that I thought that I had to for some reason. But for what purpose? To feed my ego? To feel important? What was the point ? 

When I went to bed it was around three in the morning. I laid almost in a fetal position as I hugged myself. I just wanted the night to be gone, forget that this ever had happened, and never… Ever remember it. 

I knew at the bottom of it all, I wanted that, I wanted to be loved, I wanted to be touched, I wanted that physical intimacy, I most definitely craved for it. My body wanted it. Yet I couldn't bring myself to do it, not with him, not with Paul… But with who ? Or was I simply not able to do it with anybody ? The idea of not being able to love someone in that way again, frightened me.

Notes:

from now on, the wild ride starts so... stay tuned. I would appreciate the kudos and sharing the fic. love y'all

Chapter 5: Act 4: Sun Goddess

Summary:

I cannot express just how much this getaway had been terribly needed for both of us.

It was near the end of May, summer and all of its beauty was just around the corner. Finals had wrapped up for Christine’s students the previous week and vacation had already started for her, which now meant that she and I would have more time to spend together. It wasn’t long until I brought up the idea of spending a few weeks at my beach house to pass some time. 

⏤ “Are you sure you want to go back?” Her caring nature coating the words.

⏤ “I haven’t been there since that day but… I eventually have to, and I know I’d much rather go back with you than on my own.” I expressed candidly.

⏤ “That’s sweet” A gentle smile appeared on her lips but she was certainly preoccupied with how I felt. “But if you are not ready, or you feel that you want to leave at any point, I’d prefer for you to tell me straight away.”

⏤ “I will” I declared, quite appreciatively.

Though I’d already worked out all of my thoughts and feelings towards going back for days and days now, I’d even talked it through with my psychologist. He himself thought that, after months of therapy, I was ready and that I should go for it… He trusted in my instincts and , even moreso, my bravery.  I told myself that it was just a house, one made for leisure, one that I used to visit often to take some time away from the city and enjoy the serenity of its neighboring scenic landscape. Victor had generously gifted it to me for that very reason and here it was sitting idly with no one truly inhabiting it, aside from some domestic workers, for months on end. That house, that beach, that sea… None of it was responsible for the decision I made that night. I had to get through this… I wasn’t going to let my fear of being visually confronted with the past get the best of me. 

A couple days later, I repeated those convictions in my head as we made our way to the beach house. Upon arrival, all the negative feelings and thoughts tried to flood my mind, but I tried my best to push them all out… It’s just a house , it’s just a house , I said over and over again in my mind. Thankfully I had Christine right next to me as we walked into the house, her mere presence there besides me grounded me immensely. Yet it was her …

⏤ “Oh it’s just lovely!” Christine exclaimed with excitement as she walked over and stood in front of the doors leading to the sea. I looked over at her, as she turned her head to me, with the brightest, most genuine smile and a voice that evoked nothing but pure enthusiasm. Right then and there, my chest began to feel warm just from the sight of her already enjoying herself in a place I too once deeply enjoyed. Suddenly, I felt that maybe… just maybe, everything would turn out alright. Once filled and overlaid with sorrow, despair, and regret, the ambience of the place immediately changed and was now overflowing with peace, laughter and… Unrestrained joy. Little did I know… Or even truly expect, that this was just the beginning of one of the happiest summers in my life, and it was all thanks to her. 

As soon as she saw the shoreline, Christine ached and pleaded for us to go and get in the water, so that’s just what we did. We brought all of our bags in our respective rooms and changed our clothes immediately. Thankfully we didn’t have to worry about any annoyance with unpacking our things as the staff at the house readily offered their assistance so we could go out and enjoy our time. The personnel consisted of just two maids, as well as the husband of one of them ⏤ Mr. Harris ⏤ who worked as a chauffeur in case we needed to be driven anywhere nearby. Since this particular house of mine wasn’t my continual place of residence, the staff was accustomed to, whether someone was staying here or not, leaving at night and coming back in the early hours of the morning. So, given that it was only going to be the two of us for the entirety of our time at the house, and we truly wouldn’t need excessive assistance, it was decided upon to have the staff maintain this routine. 

I finished getting ready and made my way out to the outside patio to wait for Christine by the stairs that led to the beach. I was observing the wild ocean waves when she announced. 

⏤ “I’m ready!” 

I turned to find Christine walking towards me, with a full and radiant smile fixed on her face, sporting a lovely swimming suit. It was a two-piece suit, with red and white stripes. The top consisted of a halter neck top with a fitted bandeau and the bottoms, which exceptionally highlighted her hourglass silhouette, were high waisted, falling just a couple inches under where the bandeau was sitting. She looked absolutely divine. 

I on the other hand had put on a one piece swimsuit adorned with a heart shaped neckline. It was a bit more tropical since it had a print that seemed to come straight out of hawaii. But I think it fit me pretty well and highlighted my curves too. 

⏤ “Let’s go” I said, matching her excitement.

Both of us helped each other to put on our caps so our hair wouldn't be ruined by the water, and right after that, we made our way to the water. Given the frequency in which I had once visited the house and beach, I was particularly used to the cold temperature of the sea as it met the sand,  but as soon as Christine felt the ocean water against the soles of her feet she immediately froze and hesitated. 

⏤ “Oh come on, it’s not that bad” I said, quite entertained as I was waiting for her, the waves hitting just above my knees already. 

⏤ “It’s too cold!” Christine's eyes widened as her feet, and only her feet, became submerged under the water as the ending of a wave rushed in.  

⏤ “Don’t be silly!” I walked towards her as she wrapped her arms around her torso, visibly suffering from the temperature. I approached her, smiling and grabbing her hand to guide her further towards the sea.

⏤ “Oh my god it’s freezing!” She complained as we went deeper, yet it all sounded absolutely comical to me.

⏤ “Don’t be such a baby, weren’t you excited to get into the water?” I teased her, a slight smile creeping up onto my face. 

⏤ “Not anymore” That’s when I felt her let go of my grip and, as I swiftly turned around, I saw her running along the coast. Before I could even start laughing, I chased after her. 

⏤ “You can’t run” I exclaimed as I smiled to myself, just as Christine was as well. 

⏤ “I can!” Then she stopped to turn the opposite way but I was able to catch her by her slim waist. 

⏤ “Get in the water” Christine was indeed cold to the touch, and she heaving from running on the sand.

⏤ “Damn it, I gotta level up my physique” We laughed together as I continued to hug her from the side.

⏤ “Come on” I let go of her and held my palm out towards her, offering my hand so we could walk together. She smiled at me and finally gave in, allowing me to take the lead once again, still grabbing my hand tightly as she did before. Yet, as soon as we found ourselves in the water nearly up to the middle of our thighs, Christine told me to stop. “Yes?” I asked, looking back at her.

Though I quickly recognized I had been too naive to follow through with her request as she had playfully set up a trap for me and I walked right into it. Just then she tugged my arm, making me instantly fall into the water. I came back up to the surface as I watched her laughing at me. Not believing what had just happened and what I was seeing, I mirrored her previous movements and made her join me in the water. Now both of us had been submerged under the water and, henceforth  completely soaked, we looked at each other as we bursted out into harsh laughter. 

⏤ “See? This is what you just needed to do, get into the water!” I said as I gave her a mocking smile.

⏤ “Very funny Miss Helen” She squinted her eyes, trying to suppress a grin, feigning annoyance.

But then for a few seconds we fell silent.  The sun was hitting her face with full force and she reacted quite accordingly as she scrunched her nose. Though she was frowning and fighting the bright light, I could still see her illuminated beautiful blue eyes. She was bare faced, free of any makeup as the rays from the sun kissed her skin… yet she still looked absolutely radiant. Little droplets of water still on her face made her glisten and, as the sun had started to naturally dry her hair, a couple of baby hairs made their way towards her forehead making her appear close to that of an adorable and enchanting creature not from this world. There were also some sun spots laid upon parts of her face that added to her beauty, it made her appear even more endearing.  A strong and opinionated woman she is, but when you look at her long enough under the world's natural light, she becomes a precious and delicate creation of god.

⏤ “What?” Christine asked which made me blink back in response a couple of times. I became aware of what I was doing and realized that I had probably been staring at her for much too long with nothing but a strange, blank stare.

⏤ “Nothing, you just have… An eyelash on your cheek” I made up a quick excuse to not make her feel anymore uncomfortable than I assumed I already had with my strange behavior.

⏤ “Where?” She asked, as she got closer to me. “Take it off please”

I pretended to grab it and immediately placed my hand back into the water as I didn’t want her to become suspicious. 

I wondered to myself if I look equally as beautiful as she does when the sun hits my face, when I have no cosmetics on my face, when the sea meets my skin, when the warm days highlight my numerous freckles that were almost impossible to conceal, when I was just natural… Do I look like her? How I wished I did , how I wished to be like her . 

 

***

 

I cannot express just how much this getaway had been terribly needed for both of us. Specifically for myself, I had now finally been able to breathe without overthinking every movement, every thought, every gesture. I was gradually grounding myself, I was finding some peace as I was away from the busy city, away from any judging and curious eyes. Furthermore, I felt emotionally fulfilled. I was no longer dragged down by the feeling of complete loneliness as I had experienced before at this house, I had someone who I deeply cared about and who deeply cared about me to share this brief time of happiness with me. 

From eating together, to sharing tea next to the ocean, to sitting side by side and listening to records, it all was so organic. Similarly to the feeling of placing the last piece to a puzzle to complete it, that’s how Christine’s presence felt in my life. Day by day our relationship was growing more than it ever had before. For that alone, I was glad that I hadn’t given up on us, in our friendship, that I had pursued it further even after meeting some trouble. I found the most genuine and pure relationship that I could have ever hoped for. 

In the second week, on one of those beautiful bright mornings, I appeared for our breakfast, sporting one of my many equestrian outfits.

⏤ “Are you going to ride this morning?” Christine asked naively.

⏤ “Yes, we are going” I was enlivened by the idea, she on the other hand had a less sprightly reaction.

⏤ “We?” Christine's eyes widened for a second, eyebrows up as it seemed I had caught her by surprise with this idea.

⏤ “Yes, come on! It’ll be fun!” I said, as my hands landed on my hips, waiting for her near the door.

⏤ “I will fall right off the horse, are you crazy?” Now taking a more exaggerative measure, it appeared she wasn’t convinced and wanted to avoid it altogether. 

⏤ “You won’t, I’ll help you!” I reassured her.

Right then, Mrs. Harris, the housekeeper, walked in the salon, bringing some news.

⏤ “Sorry for interrupting Miss. Helen but Miss Radcliffe has a call”

⏤ “From who?” Christine quickly asked.

⏤ “Mr. Novak” I was confounded by his call, perhaps even more than Christine appeared to be, and, unable to control it whatsoever, my smile faded and completely dropped. 

⏤ “Alright, I’ll take it here” She told the older woman as she went over to the telephone, which was only a few feet away from her. Instead of giving her, as any courteous person would, some privacy, I stayed… Even though deep down I knew it wasn’t necessarily the right thing to do whatsoever. Yet, after hearing much about their relationship,  I was morbidly curious to know what these two would even talk about. Furthermore, she had decided to take the call in  the salon rather than an adjoining room… So perhaps I didn’t need to feel as guilty for my choice to stay. 

⏤ “Karel? It’s me, Christine. How’s everything going?” I decided to stand near the doors that lead to the outside patio, not looking at her to give her some space, yet my ears were listening attentively. “I’m glad to hear that. Where are you? San Francisco?” He was probably giving a tour, I figured. “I’m doing fine, Helen and I have been having a wonderful time… The sea is just beautiful these days…And the weather…” I turned a bit, looking back at her, as she stood facing the wall with the receiver glued to her ear. “Thank you, best of luck for you tonight. Bye, take care.”

Half an hour after that, Christine was wearing the exact same kind of clothes as me, looking at the horses with hesitation as we were at the stable. 

⏤ “You can ride Thunder, he’s a very calm stallion” I declared as I caressed the animal.

⏤ “Well… That name doesn’t exactly make me think he’s as docile as you say… Are you sure?” Christine’s expressions were quite hilarious to me as she seemed like a kid who was about to get a vaccine at the doctor’s. 

My laughter, and quickly following suit, Christine’s echoed through the building as I placed a bridle on Thunder and  took him out of his stall. 

⏤ “Don’t worry, he’s an absolute gentleman” I said, as  brought him outside and tied the lead rope to a nearby post. Right after that I went back into the stables to choose an appropriate saddle for Christine to sit upon. After finding a suitable one I came back outside, placed the saddle on the horse and adjusted it so Christine would be comfortable enough.

⏤ “ Now that you’re all settled I’m going to go get mine and bring him outside, you can wait out here with Thunder, I’ll be quick. ” I told her but before I could move any further, she stopped me. 

⏤ “Yours? You mean I’m gonna ride this… Him…. Uh Thunder,  all by myself?” Her eyes were opened wide, clearly not entertained by the idea whatsoever.

⏤ “Well, yes” I said naturally.

⏤ “I don’t think I’ll be able to, I’ve never even ridden a horse before! Can’t we just go together?” Christine looked so uncomfortable, and albeit a tad frightened by the idea of riding by herself. In a way it was quite adorable to see her so puzzled and sheepish. 

⏤ “But… Are you sure?” I usually don't ride with others on the same horse, not since I was a small child and my father would take me with him on rides.

⏤ “I am not riding, nor let alone getting on a horse all by myself, no ma’am” She declared steadfastly as she shook her head side to side and I couldn’t help but chuckle. Though her reaction was quite humorous and comical, I did also completely understand her fear.

⏤ “Alright, let me go ahead and change the saddle then” And so I did, changing the saddle on my horse to one that  could accommodate two people. 

After  it was set to go, I placed Thunder back in his stall, making sure to give him a treat for all the trouble. Once back outside I Got on the horse and then lent my hand out for Christine to get up.

⏤ “Use the chair, then put your feet on the stirrup, and sit behind me.”

⏤ “Alright.” Although she was hesitant, she followed my simple instructions and got on the horse with no issue, grabbing my hand tightly and jousting herself up. 

Right after that, I looked back and asked her. 

⏤ “Ready?”

⏤ “Yes, I think so”

⏤ “Let’s go!” From the moment we left the stable, I had a feeling that this was going to be pretty amusing, and that I would have fun by putting Christine in interesting situations. 

I went in the direction of the hills, immediately taking a steep road so we could get close to the ravines and as near to the sea as possible so we could see a beautiful sight I hadn’t been able to show Christine thus  far.  At the beginning Christine was calm, but when the road got more precipitous, she suddenly leaned back a bit and yelped.

⏤ “Helen, are you crazy?!” 

I couldn't help but cackle loudly at another one of her reactions. I knew we were perfectly safe, this horse of mine knew the road very well, and so did I. 

⏤ “Hold on tight!” I exclaimed as I made him go faster.

⏤ “What if we fall?!” Christine asked loud enough.

⏤ “Oh don’t worry. I’ve fallen many many times and let me tell you, it just builds character!” I tried not to laugh as I continued to tease her with such a possibility. 

⏤ “Right now at this moment, I’m hating you!” I couldn't stop smiling, so much so it was making my cheeks hurt, I was totally and utterly amused by her. Though she  was, evidently, not handling it well at all, I still  sensed that she knew she was safe with me. 

As the foliage got a bit dense, the horse suddenly made a slight jump to avoid a few wrenches in the road. Christine, clearly startled by it,  hollered for a moment and immediately wrapped her arms around my waist.

⏤ “I told you to hold on tight!” I declared loud enough.

⏤ “I’m holding now like my life depends on it” I smiled as her arms clung onto me, her torso almost leaning on me, it felt so incredibly warm. Yet, even after we made it onto more steady and flat terrain, she still held on to me with the same ferocity. I then went ahead and led the horse at a slower pace now, giving us the chance to observe the landscape we were on and admire the nearby view. 

After fifteen minutes, I decided to stop at one of my favorite places, so we could sit and relax as well as let the horse rest a bit. I got off first, tied Thunder's reins to a thick branch and then helped Christine get down, grabbing her by her hips and holding onto her as she stepped down. 

⏤ “I cannot believe you just did that, Helen!” She protested, in a perceptible playful manner, clearly complaining about the way I controlled the horse. She then, following her complaints, lightly slapped one of my shoulders.

⏤ “I told you there was nothing to worry about!” I dismissed it, smiling from ear to ear, trying not to laugh even more than before.  

⏤ “You’re just showing off” She sighed, rolling her eyes at me as I sat down on the grass.

⏤ “Just sit here” I stated, patting the spot next to me. She, jokingly, hesitated as she took a step towards me and then back a couple times, but eventually she  joined me.

We stared at the sea from that spot for a couple of minutes, without saying much. Yet I couldn’t stop myself from thinking about and wondering what she and Novak had been speaking about… There was some curiosity laying around paired with some slight bitterness. After all, he should leave her alone . 

⏤ “How’s Novak doing?” I asked, trying to sound casual.

⏤ “Oh he’s fine, he just called to see how I was doing. He’s in San Francisco right now for his tour and he has a concert tonight.” She sounded calm while speaking.

⏤ “That’s nice… So you still keep in touch? Or…?” I wanted to know what the nature of their relationship was nowadays. I didn’t know, or even really think that they were on any sort of speaking terms. 

⏤ “Yes we do at times and well… It’s always kind of an… Amicable type of conversation with him. He cares about me and I care about him too. I had let him know I would be here in case he needed to reach me for some reason. ” It was understandable. Yet there was another, more prying sort of question that had been in my head ever since this morning the moment I heard that Novak was on the phone.

⏤ “Do you still love him?” I don’t know why, or even how, I so boldly asked that question, but there was no way to turn back now.  To my surprise she didn’t feel like it was an offense to ask her such a private question.

⏤ “I… Well… That’s a loaded question” She chuckled as she looked down and touched the grass. “I guess I haven’t thought of that in a long time… I think… Well, I don’t know” She looked up from the grass and back at me with quite an uncertain look. It seemed as if she herself didn’t expect to not know her real feelings towards Novak at this moment. 

⏤ “You don’t?” I also didn’t expect that answer at all.

⏤ “It’s like… I’m fond of him, and I still extremely care about him and his life ventures… But there’s something that has been lost. Perhaps I’ve already gotten used to the idea that we’ll never again be those two young musicians in Berlin who were deeply in love and believed nothing could ever hinder their love for one another” A melancholic smile appeared on her face. “I guess that’s better than forcing it to be something that it’s not. ”

I nodded, fairly understanding where she was coming from, though I didn’t feel that I could say much about it. Yet, deep down, I was oddly glad that she wasn’t thinking of being back with him. As her friend, I knew it would be a lot for her. Besides, the possibilities of it succeeding also seemed awfully low. 

We stayed silent after that, as we studied the abundant amount of nature surrounding us… Enjoying the view. Though I did take note that there were a few loaded clouds that appeared in the sky. Suddenly, Christine spoke again.

⏤ “It’s so beautiful… I could live here…” She muttered.

⏤ “Could you?” 

⏤ “I think I could…” 

⏤ “Wouldn’t you miss the city?” I inquired. I knew, before even taking her here, that she'd take great delight in the beauty of this place, though I hadn’t thought she’d like it as much as to possibly leave the city. I mean, in her entire life she had only ever spent it living in two of the biggest metropolis areas in the world. But I suppose there is a time, after you’ve been regularly surrounded by noises and happenings as one always is in the city, that you may find pleasure in the stillness of the countryside. 

⏤ “I… Might not…” There was a dreamy look on her face, as if she was imagining herself having days like these ones as a common thing.

⏤ “Think about it though… The orchestra, the theater…” I presented some considering factors to her.

⏤ “But you can find peace here, not there… Not whatsoever” She looked back at me… All that she was saying now, it made sense to me, not only was pleasure something achievable here, but it seemed she found solace here too. 

⏤ “You found peace here?” I wondered if her days here had felt as comforting as they had felt for me, next to her. 

⏤ “I think I did” We looked at each other for a moment, as the wind picked up, and we shared a smile… One that said a thousand words without us having to utter a thing. It encapsulated tenderness, melancholy and, most of all, understanding. I don’t know if anyone could comprehend what I was experiencing at this moment if I were to explain it to them, but right then and there we knew each other, we were connected.

A sudden gust of wind hit our faces with all its force, making us both look up to the sky to investigate. Those small gloomy clouds had multiplied and it appeared a calamitous storm was coming. Little by little the bluest sky, with the warmest sun, was turning dark and murky, with clouds as dark as night itself, lightning and thunder charging, seemingly  ready to unleash a plentiful amount of rain, enough to start a flood. 

⏤ “Jesus, we better go” I said as I got up from the ground. The wind picked up in intensity now, making both of our previously tidy hairdos look completely messed up and wild.

After untying him, I got on the horse and, once again, offered my hand to help Christine up. When I was sure we were ready I directed the horse onto the path to get back to the stables. Though unlike before, while I was still going fast enough, I didn’t rush or push the horse as hard as I knew the horse could react negatively to the violent wind. If that happened. where he became spooked enough he could easily start to thrash and run unrestrainedly… We would be sure to fall off then. 

From the minute we were on Thunder, Christine wrapped her arms around my waist and clung to me tightly, though this time her torso leaned fully onto my back. I grabbed the reins even tighter when I felt her against me. I figured that perhaps she was a bit frightened because of the weather… Or perhaps was cold from the sudden change of temperature and wanted to stay warm next to me. Whatever the reason was, it didn’t take away the pinkish color from my face, and I blamed my bashful reaction on the fact that she hadn’t hugged me since we had that talk at her apartment. 

When we were just a few yards away from the stable, the rain started to pour so we hurriedly made our way inside. We got off the horse, and I left Thunder in his stall. Then I made my way back to the entrance of the stable where Christine was watching the rain falling down. 

When I approached her, she immediately asked. 

⏤ “Should we wait until it stops?”

⏤ “Uh… I don’t know” I said as I also gave an overall look to the sky. Christine’s hair, while a bit more wild looking, still appeared divine as a few droplets of the rain were adorning her curls, like a dandelion on a rainy afternoon.

With another sudden rush of adrenaline, I grabbed her hand tightly. 

⏤ “On second thought… Let’s go” I took her with me into the heavy storm, running towards the house and Christine had no other choice but follow through with my spontaneous idea. We ran, cursing at the weather, yet laughing while we accidentally stepped into puddles of water. By the time we arrived on the back porch, we were completely drenched, our shoes were decorated with a good amount of mud and panting like dogs after just sprinting. We stood there, again, under the porch awning looking over at the sea that was now filled with heavy waves as the rain fell atop it… It was mesmerizing. 

As I was trying to catch my breath, I couldn't help but realize that Christine and I were still holding hands. They were cold and wet though somehow they still remained to be the warmest spot in my body. My eyes went to our linked hands, then my gaze went up a bit as I noticed that Christine’s shirt was completely glued to her skin since she was completely soaked. Next thing I knew, without even being conscious enough of what I was doing, my eyes started to travel, from the beginning of her sleeves, to her shoulderpads. Yet, there was a specific spot where my blue irises caught their attention and halted their movement. Her… bust. The fabric was clinging exceptionally tightly there and her bosom seemed to show how cold she was. 

All of the sudden, all the blood in my body seemed to travel directly towards my face. Now feeling the intensity of the heat coming over my visage, I forced myself to look ahead again, hoping dearly that she didn’t notice my rude and disgusting behavior. Yet, even though I was no longer looking at that… View, I couldn't get rid of the detailed thought of it in my head. In a way I wanted to turn and look once more so my mind could stop preoccupying itself with it. Like a morbid obsession I knew it was wrong of me to look at her like that, but my mind and body was fighting directly against my sense of morality, trying to do away with it completely.  

I froze but then quickly let go of her hand as it felt as if now even the mere touch we were sharing was burning my skin. Then, other impulses that were also so unequivocally unnatural arose in me. I closed my eyes tightly, hoping that ceasing any and all visual matter would stop all of these unexplained happenings from continuing and bring me back some normalcy, a type that had nothing to do with Christine or her presence that was oh so close to me. 

We heard a thud behind us that made both of us jump, and I thanked God or whomever it was in the ether that saved me but… It was actually Mrs. Harris behind us who had opened up the patio door. 

⏤ “Oh Miss. Wright, I’ll bring you both towels right away! Please, both of you, come in!” The elderly woman expressed worriedly.

⏤ “Y-Yes” I replied as I watched the housekeeper leave, Christine following her words and walking in. I quickly followed her in as well.

Christine's hair was completely flattened by the water now, and I supposed mine was as well. 

⏤ “Do I look silly?” I asked her as I tried not to tremble from the cold I was now feeling, my hands were in the shape of fists attempting to grapple with the frigidity. 

⏤ “You don’t, you always look stunning” She laughed nonchalantly, probably assuming that I was trying to fish out some compliments. 

⏤ “I’m being serious, my hair’s probably ruined right?” I tried to find a closeby mirror to see how I was looking. 

⏤ “Oh It’s just a little rain, nothing a good curler can’t fix” She then grabbed a strand of my hair and tucked it behind my ear. I awkwardly flinched at this gesture though I tried to conceal it as best as I could. For a fraction of a second, Christine frowned. Yet Mrs. Harris was back again to save me from yet another one of my uncomfortable dispositions. 

⏤ “Here’s the towels” She gave us one each. Both of us quickly thanked her as we covered ourselves and attempted to dry some water off of us. 

⏤ “I’m sorry we came in with all that mud and dirtied up the floor” Christine immediately said as she covered herself even more with the white towel, sounding deeply apologetic. 

⏤ “Oh no need to apologize Miss!” She assured Christine, to then acknowledge me. “By the way Miss Helen, I started to fill the bathtubs with hot water so you and your guest can take a quick bath before either of you catch a cold”

⏤ “Thank you so much Mrs. Harris, I’m gonna take it right now” It was the perfect excuse that Mrs. Harris gave me without even knowing as it allowed me to escape the awkward situation I was in right now. So I took advantage of it and left in a hurry, feeling that closing down in the bathroom’s suite would be a good idea to find some much needed repose amidst my disquieted mind. 

Once I was in, I locked the door like I was afraid someone was going to come barging in, which was a ridiculous thought to begin with as I knew no one here with me in the house would ever do such a thing, though still it didn’t stop me from jiggling the handle a bit to confirm that was in fact locked. Right after that, I started pacing back and forth in that small room, as the noise of the water falling into the tub was working me up even more and allowing my mind to fill itself with even more uneasiness. What just happened wasn’t normal, the way I looked at her… That wasn’t normal . 

I was panting again as I started to undue my shirt, fumbling with the buttons, hands trembling in a mix of emotions that were making my head spiral into complete madness. I took off the shirt, to then discard the equestrian boots and  brown pants I was donning in the fastest, most clumsiest way. Soon my slip, bra and underwear also joined the clothing on the floor. 

At that point the bathtub was nearly full to the brim with water so I closed the tap before it could overflow. The bathroom too was warm enough now, the vapor covering the tiles and big mirror of the cabinet just enough to make everything, including myself, look foggy and blurry in the reflection. 

With my hand, I wiped the mirror, enough to show my frame again in focus. Then I was met with the sight of my naked body. As I was trying to steady my breathing, I stared at my reflection for a minute. Slowly my palms landed on my waist, where she grabbed onto me so tightly, another part of my skin that had felt like it had been burned. I had to admit that… I liked it… Her touch, I had enjoyed that she was clinging onto me; I actually wanted it to last longer than it did. I closed my eyes as I imagined them again on me and her warm body against my back. Now I felt her against me, I felt… Those against me. I closed my eyes tightly after that.

My head seemed to paint a clear picture of them, and I seemed not to be able to stop any of what was happening any further. They bothered me, they made me feel things I shouldn't feel. Because right then and there, I wondered how they felt… Under my touch. I wondered how they looked, I wondered… If they were similar to mine… Although mine were no doubt… Quite smaller in comparison to hers. Though mine too were perky and showing how cold they still were, just like hers. 

The blood in my body was flowing at an explosive rate, my heart throbbing, making my fingertips itchy. I was deeply disturbed, I was not able to take away my thought and curiosity about her body, and instead of feeling more alarmed or pushing it away, I felt more and more entranced with the unknown. 

My fingers traced the curves of my abdomen, tracing every inch of my cold skin, going slowly towards my pelvis. But then I opened my eyes, stopping myself as my hands twitched and closed themselves into fists once again; I pushed myself to finally get into the tub. I submerged myself into the water, though I was still in a strange trance I had never been before. Then, under the warmth of the water, it was hard not to let it go… So in the intimacy of that room, I let it all go. 

Notes:

and I... op-

Chapter 6: Act 5: The Waltz of The Magnolias

Summary:

I now found myself in one of the tightest spots I’ve been in for a long while and I didn’t know what to do. What if it was vital, for my sanity, to call off the rest of this trip?

Unfortunately, though I had thought that previous act of mine would be an isolated occurrence, one which brought me immense internal shame and guilt, it hadn’t been… Whatsoever. At the beginning I simply blamed it on pure human instinct of needed pleasure and the inexorable hunger we have as individuals for human touch. Though I quickly learned it was much more than that. A brief moment of impulse and lasciviousness, I had so desperately wanted to forget it ever happened…. And I had wanted it to never happen again even more. Instead, the thought of that first time catapulted itself to the forefront of my mind,  became stationary, and instead of eventually stopping, grew more and more.

So, instead of blaming it on instinct any further, I tried to convince myself that these actions of mine were due to the lack of sex in my life and missing the feeling of both being wanted and giving pleasure. I thought that if I did it under the context of that conjecture, I wouldn’t feel as bad. Though no real theoretician am I, for if anyone were to test that supposedly convincing theory of mine, they’d immediately find it to be false upon learning of my attraction to feminine curves… or sun kissed skin after days of tanning… Soft thighs flexing when walking… An exposed back when wearing a dress… A smooth stomach laid bare to see because of a bathing suit… Delicate shoulders… Glistening lips after eating grapes. Oh God, was I absolutely losing it.

Aside from the dreadful feelings I was experiencing from engaging in such deviant deeds, these thoughts also equally, if not even more, frightened me… They made me feel incommodious. Roaming about my mind, when they appear they elicit several emotions that are critically overwhelming for me to process and each time they make me console in perturbation and uneasiness. Yet I knew that deep inside of me, even if it was hard for me to admit it to myself, I enjoyed it. I couldn't stop myself no matter how hard I tried, my curious eyes always landed on her, in those places that made me sigh, made me tremble, made me all bothered. It was deviant, it was perverted. 

Again, I tried to convince myself that, be it deplorable, these thoughts were just what they were… Thoughts. They were only in my mind and while they caused me to have adverse reactions, as long as they stayed there in my mind and didn’t come out into the world then no harm was done. In the way I thought about it, they couldn’t hurt anyone if I was the only one who knew of their existence. As long as no one else, especially Christine, knew about it, I was clean-handed in some sort of warped way. I also wondered if these thoughts were not of my own lechery but instead had been stoked up because of this self prescribed interval of socially isolated time I had put myself in with Christine. Perhaps, after all of this inquiry as to why it’s happening, it may very well stop once we leave this house and go back to our normal routines. In all actuality none of this had arisen in any previous instances, only now did it come about in this time where it was nonstop, aside from the house staff, just the two of us. Maybe all of this, as Christine truly was the first person I have spent so much exclusive time with in so long, was just provoked by the longing for feeling that skin to skin connection, the desire to be loved under the sheets or… Just my hormones playing dirty tricks on me. Maybe I  was just in some wicked season of need . 

In any case, instead of continuing to analyze this situation of mine,  I knew I had to just move on forward, push off this matter and continue to enjoy the rest of this vacation to the best of my abilities. For my own sanity I had to carry on with things like normal, I had to make it as if nothing was wrong and just endure it until the trip was over. In the meantime, I hoped she wouldn’t find out nor even as much as truly notice my, albeit odd, behavior and develop some suspicion because of it.  After all, as I continue to presume, these are just weird thoughts I am having of Christine… There’s no intimate or amorous feelings within me towards her.  Nevertheless, I felt things between Christine and I would absolutely spoil if my inner thoughts and subsequent actions ever came out and that is something I did not want one bit for I absolutely adore Christine. 

She, just like a pill to a headache, was really who I needed to bring myself back to some level of normalcy. She brought back the old Helen who enjoyed music, loved to swim, loved to ride horses, and loved to read novels… Who loved to live. Sure I had tried to do all of those things after the incident, but it felt forced… Like a therapist told me to do it to get certain tasks accomplished. Now I was actually enjoying every part of these activities and I was not only doing them, but naturally seeking them out because I felt like it, not because it was an obligation of mine. I was a better version of myself than before, both after and previous to the incident. I hadn’t anyone else to thank, not even myself, but her for my recovery for she brought me back to baseline, she brought me back. But it wasn’t only her ability to help me heal that I admire about Christine. She, of course, is also beautiful, smart, clever and has a great sense of humor. Moreover, she’s quite unapologetically herself,  something I admire greatly about her as I always have something new to learn from her in every single sense. And, most importantly, she knows how to deal with me. It’s not to say that I am some sort of difficult person to be around, but more so sensitive… Even fragile. In these moments Christine walks hand in hand with me… Stays by my side instead of becoming tired with me. How many people have that kind of person in their life… One who is patient enough to understand the others delicate troubles and still help them through that process? In my own personal past experience… I’d say not many. Before I had been convinced I was going to have to just deal with all my woes and troubles alone… solely by myself. But that isn’t the case anymore and hasn’t been for a bit now… I was lucky enough to have found her . 

Nevertheless, my retrospection on my adoration and fondness of Christine doesn’t help the state of conflict I still am in now. There still remain many questions that are left unanswered… Questions that have relentlessly kept me up and deprived me of much, if any, sleep for many nights now. I was grappling with trying to find a way to process everything going on and I deduced that being away from the city, with no therapy for three weeks now, wasn’t exactly helpful me much with this whole matter either.  So, one afternoon, when Christine went to have a bath, I decided to leave the house and walk to the nearest phone booth. If I was being wholly honest, even if it didn’t have to do with this exact matter , I just didn’t feel comfortable speaking to my therapist on the phone while other people were on the property and could listen in. I felt that calling him in the phone booth gave some much needed privacy and would be closest in similarity to that of a one on one session. After all, I was advised I could seek out impromptu sessions with my psychologist at any point of this trip if needed as he provided me with a number just in case there were to be any emergencies… And this for sure was an emergency. 

Of course though, I wasn’t going to completely share what was on my mind. I wasn’t prepared to talk about it to anybody… And I mean anybody. I felt that sharing something like that was dangerous and was best to primarily be kept within my own self.. I didn’t want to be mistaken as a queer , or whatever he might think I could be. However, I knew what sort of questions I could ask him, bringing in some light on subjects that weren't exclusively linked to Christine. 

Minutes later, after a long walk, I reached the phone, near the main road. After the operator communicated with the therapist, I finally got in touch with him. 

⏤ “Good Evening, who’s this?” Mr. Hughes answered.

⏤ “Good evening Mr. Hughes, this is Helen Wright. I’m sorry if I'm bothering you at this time and without letting you know in advance but I need to speak to you for a few minutes if that’s possible?” I figured lighting a cigarette would help me to control my nervousness a little bit more.

⏤ “Why, of course Miss. Helen, I let you know in case of emergency you could consult me with anything. What seems to be the trouble? Is your vacation going alright?” He sounded so calm which certainly helped me feel less guilty for bothering him with my call.

⏤ “Everything is going alright, there’s no urgent situation. But… There’s some things that have been going around my head, and they've been keeping me up all night. I just wanted to clear my mind about some subjects and thought perhaps you could help me with them.”

⏤ “Go ahead, I’m listening” He said patiently.

⏤ “Well, I have been wondering about how my social interactions lately have not been the same as they once were since the incident. I’ve sort of… Well…  I have a hard time when it comes down to interacting with men I mean, romantically or… Even physically…” It wasn’t easy to start this conversation but I did my best to explain how I was feeling.

⏤ “Enlighten me with some examples, Helen” He asked.

⏤ “I- Well at this point there’s no reason to be ashamed of it but… Before the vacation started, I had an encounter with a man… But it didn’t go well, I mean… I couldn't touch him or bear the idea of being with him. So I fled” I closed my eyes after I said that, exhaling the fag, as my leg shook constantly.

⏤ “Well, first of all, it’s good that you are able to identify that you didn’t like a situation that put you in an uncomfortable position. Second of all, it’s quite commendable that you didn’t force yourself to go on with the encounter.”

⏤ “Is that… Good?” I asked, quite confused.

⏤ “Indeed Helen, continuing would have made you feel more disturbed than you are now, I believe.” I took a few seconds, not expecting his response.

⏤ “But, does it make any sense that this is happening right now? Is it normal?” I questioned once again.

⏤ “Regarding you and your past, Helen, it is possible that there’s some rejection when it comes down to new encounters with men. The way you reacted is a clear sign that shows that you’re not ready yet to start a relationship with a man, for now.” It was making sense, I could see what he meant by that.

⏤ “Even if… Even if I have a desire to… Sexualy interact with someone?” I bit my lip in nervousness, fingers rubbing on my temple. It wasn’t so easy to ask these sorts of private questions but I knew there was absolutely no need for me to keep everything quiet inside of me, I needed some sense of normality. To feel and know that I wasn’t losing my mind.

⏤ “ Every adult has a libido, some may be higher and some may be lower and some may even be sort of neutral, but in none of these cases does it mean that it's good for us to engage in sexual relationships we’re not ready to begin with. You cannot force yourself to satisfy your drive, whatever it may be, when you find any part of the act to be disagreeable for you whatsoever. Having sexual desire within you is normal, it goes hand in hand with your humanity, though at this point in time that desire may need to stay disregarded now. In my own professional opinion, I wouldn’t recommend you to participate in any sexual relationships with a man. You need more time to work in retrospect to your past relationships, heal yourself from those situations so that you can continue on and possibly start a new relationship in the future.”  

⏤ “So I shouldn't involve myself physically with a man ?” I don’t know why I had to make that distinction but I did nonetheless.

⏤ “I think it would do you more harm than good, Miss. Helen” He repeated the idea once again. 

⏤ “I see…” 

⏤ “Is there anything else you need my help with?”

⏤ “Uh…” I thought for a few seconds if there was anything else I could ask him, but the only thing that popped up in my head wasn’t something I could really  dare to ask.  “Not really, that’s all that I was wondering… Thank you and once again, sorry for calling so impromptu” 

⏤ “It’s quite alright Miss.  Helen, call again whenever you need to. Have a good night”

⏤ “Have a good night”

 

I hung up and made my way back to the house. In doing so I decided to take a different path than the one I took to the phone booth so I could enjoy a nice long stroll along the beach. I lit up another cigarette to make it my companion on the pathway. I observed that, this evening, the sea was tempestuous and restless, almost mirroring the exact way my heart was acting. In this near noiseless place, aside from the sound of the waves crashing in, I decided to take this time for myself. 

Ever since we got here, for the entirety of these past three weeks, Christine and I hadn’t been apart from each other for more than ten minutes or so. Although I was, and still am, very happy about the amount of closeness we’ve been sharing this trip, my unusual behavior and disturbing  amount of overthinking has been a lot for me and I needed some solemn space to, hopefully, produce a clearer mindset and calm my tense spirit. 

As I made my way further down the shoreline, instead of continuing on, I decided to stop for a few minutes and sit on one of the stones near the shore. Once there, I watched the waves hitting the sand with intense fury and looked up at the sky, which, now with the sun already having gone down, was becoming darker and darker as the minutes passed. I knew it was near dinner time, yet I didn’t want to go, let alone be, back home just yet.

Although Mr. Hughes was clear enough that not wanting to engage in a relationship of any kind with a man right now was normal, and completely reasonable, that in itself didn’t necessarily make me feel any less uneasy. The main reason for that is because in the back of my mind, as I listened to him presenting with a new viewpoint on the matter, I wanted to ask him what if I felt… Sexually attracted to a woman as well. What did all of these things together mean? Did it signify that something was wrong with me? Did it mean that… I’m perhaps more mentally ill than I thought or… Was it normal? Could it even be normal? 

One cigarette wasn’t enough as I wracked my brain for answers so soon I began to smoke yet another one. Whoever said that the sound of the sea and waves makes you feel better or, even more so, calmer, was absolutely lying. At this point every sound coming from the sea sounded like a string sextet playing Tchaikovsky with a fierce intensity, making me feel even more anxious and overwhelmed than before. My hand was shaking, barely holding onto the cigarette, and my leg was trembling, pushing the sand over and over again with my toes as my head began to throb. 

I now found myself in one of the tightest spots I’ve been in for a long while and I didn’t know what to do. What if it was vital, for my sanity, to call off the rest of this trip? Perhaps I just needed some time away from Christine and everything I am struggling with right now will just go away with that. Though at the same time, I couldn’t even dare myself to look her in the eye and cancel the rest of the trip. She was loving every moment here… Even on the rainiest days she still adorned the gayest of smiles. I felt it could come off as extremely selfish if I chose to do it…. And to top it all off, what excuse could I possibly give her for doing such a thing? No… I couldn’t do it, I had to just endure it and be a good friend to Christine as she has been to me. 

I soon left after my nerves calmed down a bit  and made it back home. When I walked up the stairs and onto the back porch of the house, I looked over at the sky and recognized that it was indeed extremely late… I had left when the sun was still shining over the house and now we were very nearly immersed in coal black darkness. As soon as I stepped into the hall, Christine and the housekeeper were immediately on me.

⏤ “Helen! You’re back!” Christine seemed completely worried and I wasn’t exactly aware as to why she was. 

⏤ “Yes… What’s the matter?” I asked, looking at both the women, who seemed as if they had just seen a ghost.

⏤ “Miss. Wright, you’ve been gone for almost two hours, we were worried. We were actually just about to call the police” Mrs. Harris explained, and it finally dawned on me why she and Christine would be this worried about me leaving alone to the beach. I hadn’t exactly had the forethought before to the repercussion my absence could cause. 

⏤ “Oh… I- Sorry… I didn’t notice it got so late” I genuinely said while I gazed at both of them, though that did not seem to make them feel any better. 

⏤ “Do you want some dinner Miss. Wright? I can warm it up” The housekeeper kindly offered, but I just didn’t feel up for a dinner where I would feel questioning eyes surrounding me as I ate.

⏤ “No, I’m quite alright. I’ll take a bath and go to bed. Goodnight” I couldn't look Christine in the eye, it felt like her eyes were burning me from the inside out. 

Once again I took refuge in my suite. That night was long, I took a bath as I had said I would, but when I got to my bed, I wasn’t able to sleep one bit. The same questions that had been bothering me these past few days and would come to me every night and attack me ferociously at these hours made their appearance in my mind again. I tossed and turned and feared that as the days continued on these thoughts would soon consume my entire soul.

That next morning, at sunrise, I was already up. I decided to eat my breakfast early and before Christine even had the chance to wake up, I was already gone to the stables. This time I let Mrs. Harris know in advance that I was going to be out all day, riding until it was just about dinner time. And that’s exactly what I did, I took one of the horses and left far away from the house. 

Of course I didn’t just ride for the entirety of my excursion, in the middle of things the horse and I rested for a while at one of the deserted beaches and I had even gotten into the water myself for a minute or so. I guess the adrenaline of going at a heightened speed, with a breeze continuously on my face forged from the intense winds of the sea, and the whole adventure aspect of it was just what I needed to stop the thoughts. In the time I spent swimming or riding, I didn’t think at all… Not even one bit. In the time I spent out, alone, I felt grounded… Something I had been severely lacking for some time now. Though I myself felt better taking this time for myself, I didn’t know how Christine would exactly feel about me having left her alone for nearly the entirety of the day, but I quickly pushed that inquisitive thought out of my mind. I knew, with all certainty, that I couldn’t think about her or how she was feeling because of my current actions for that long because I knew I would spiral into a crazed fueled obsessive manner of thinking again. 

When I got back home, I didn’t know just how long of a night I had ahead of me. Upon entering the house I nearly ran to my room, taking a shower and immediately getting ready for dinner. Though I was not too keen on it, I had to show my face tonight more than I had over these two days. I knew if I kept on ignoring Christine she was going to think something was up. Unfortunately, I hadn’t known that it was already  too late to avoid that from happening. 

I showed up to the meal, with a fine satin shirt and some linen trousers. It was fresh enough for the warm summer night we were having this evening. When I made my way over to the table, Christine was already there… Waiting for me. Just by looking at her expression I could tell she wasn’t exactly that joyous to see me. She possessed a blank stare and a ratherly non-emotive face, which was quite odd for me to see after so many days of her continuous grins that lined her lips. 

From what I could see, she was wearing one of those light dresses she had a great  affinity for, thanks to this season. It was all black and made of some kind of linen as well. I couldn’t necessarily tell how the rest of the dress looked due to her already sitting and being pushed in at the table, but the top was certainly heavenly. The neckline had a v shape as the straps of the dress were tied behind her neck, leaving half of her back exposed. 

It wasn’t until Mrs. Harris left that the uncomfortable silence in the room was interrupted by Chirstine herself. 

⏤ “Aren’t you wondering what I did all day?” The tone of her voice was sharp and I genuinely couldn't blame her.

⏤ “Oh… I’m… Sorry for leaving…” I avoided her eyes while I moved the food on my plate around, suddenly losing all the appetite I had. 

⏤ “Are you?” I felt her eyes on me, ever so angry.

⏤ “I am… I just needed some time alone Christine, it doesn’t have anything to do with you” I knew I was lying right through my teeth, but what else could I say to her.

⏤ “That answer doesn’t satisfy me. Yesterday you left too, barely even talked to me. Did I say or do anything to you to make you upset? Are you mad at me?” I knew she had taken my withdrawal from her in the wrong way.

⏤ “I’m not… I’m absolutely not… Again… This has nothing to do with you…” I looked back at her, meeting her eyes in an effort to showcase to her that I meant it. It wasn’t the right thing to do, to lie like this, but I hadn’t any other choice. 

⏤ “Why did you leave last night?” I knew she was going to bring that up, it would have been some sort of miracle if she didn’t.

⏤ “I… I needed to speak on the phone to my therapist…” I provided her with just the minimum amount I could, my voice was already showing hesitation and I knew telling her any more detail would only make things worse.  

⏤ “Why didn’t you do it from here?” It was a valid question, yet I also had a valid answer to it.

⏤ “I just wanted… Privacy, I needed to ask him some things. Please understand Chris, I did it for a reason. I still need help with things and this has been the longest amount of time I’ve been without therapy since starting… I needed advice from him” I don’t know why I felt so nervous about speaking about this matter to her.

⏤ “Yes but… Did you contemplate at all how your sudden absence could make me feel? Though it was to the phone booth you still, out of the blue, leave to walk alone at the beach? Here I am… Not knowing what’s going on with you or what could happen to you out there by yourself. Don’t you realize at all how others could be frightened by that?” She argued a deeper worry that was linked to my past behavior. 

⏤ “I know that now…I am sorry, it truly wasn’t my intention to make you so worried…” She had all the right reasons to feel the way she was feeling. I was undeniably  ashamed that I didn’t take any of that into consideration.

⏤ “ And then, this  morning you left before I even saw you… Left with your horse all day… Why…?” This conversation wasn’t over just yet for her. Unlike the day before, this  time I was avoiding her on purpose and I wasn’t exactly sure how to proceed with this difference. 

⏤ “Chris, I’m didn’t do it to upset you… I was just filled with so much desire to not overthink some issues I have in my mind right now that I… Just needed some time, alone, to swim, to ride, to forget about things and just focus on the activities at hand. Christine… I can’t tell you right now what's been going on with me, because I’m not ready to do so but… It’s been hard for me… Please, I hope you can understand.” With that all being said, all of which was true, Christine looked at me, but in silence ostensibly taking in my words, like my reasoning behind all of it was finally dawning on her. 

⏤ “I… Understand now. I really thought you… Were mad at me” Her voice sounded more somber now and I felt guilty for making her feel this way.

⏤ “Why would I be?” I asked, trying to use a lighter tone in my voice, to ease the conversation.

⏤ “I-” I thought that, now that things had been explained,  there was no longer any need to keep going and drawing out this conversation so I interrupted her.

⏤ “Let’s… Let’s just have a good rest of the night, alright? Why don’t we play bridge and listen to some music?” I thought that sounded like a more enjoyable way to spend our time. Christine looked at me, with those big and blue glassy eyes of hers, with hesitancy that seemed to be a bit… Childlike, but nonetheless  she too agreed. 

⏤ “Alright”

That’s how our night started. I put some Verdi records on the Victrola, and we sat down, close to the porch, doors and window open, sea at full view. At this point, the staff was gone and only the two of us were at the house. Playing cards seemed to have broken the ice, and little by little it seemed that our tense conversation was way behind us. We were our usual, comfortable selves again. Soon, a couple of drinks joined us, and some cigarettes as well. As we held our cards, thinking about our next moves,, we kept on talking about just about everything and anything. 

⏤ “First kiss?” Christine asked, with a smile creeping up onto her lips, quite entertained by her own question. I chuckled after hearing it myself.

⏤ “Oh jeez, at fifteen at a boring ball. He was my soon to-be husband. And you?” Now I was curious to know her answer.

⏤ “Back of my highschool in Berlin, seventeen and believing that after that I was pregnant” I couldn't help but cackle and so did Christine. That malbec wine was mighty delicious tonight. 

⏤ “How  long exactly did you think you were?”

⏤ “Two days, until a friend of mine told me that was not how you get pregnant” Our giggles seemed to be those of two goodfellas drinking at a bar down in the pier. 

⏤ “Oh my… Listen… I guess I’ve only been to the “boring” places in Berlin, is it true that some parts of the city get wild?” Now I was fishing for some stories from her, as curiosity got the best of me.

⏤ “Berlin? Oh definitely…” She giggled. “I went to so many parties during my college years and perhaps even before that…”

⏤ “Tell me one of ‘em” After that, I finished my glass and decided to pour myself another one as I waited for her to tell me more.

⏤ “Well the most bizarre one I remember was held in a tiny apartment. I swear that the gramophone was trying its best to be played as loud as it could even though the record would skip constantly.” She started to giggle which was very contagious and so I couldn’t help myself to imitate it. “Now that I think about it, I don’t even know if it was a college party, because there were people there that I had never seen before, there were also some people that I knew were surely just  from down the street. But anyhow, there were so many people you couldn’t even really move and I was seeing things I had never seen before. Everybody was dancing with everyone… Everybody was kissing everybody …” When she said those last words, I just about choked on the drink. “Are you alright?” Immediately she looked for some napkins and came back.

I coughed, eyes wide after it. Good God Helen, you sure know how to enshroud what you think .

⏤ “Yes, sorry” I grabbed the fabric, to press it against my lips which had residue of the grape drink.

⏤ “ You don’t need to be sorry, but I guess that’s a clear sign for both of us to not drink anymore for the rest of the night” She said as she patted my back.

⏤ “Perhaps” I wiped my mouth and looked down at my shirt, which had been splattered a bit with the reddish drink. “I’m gonna go change my shirt, I’ll be back in a minute”

⏤ “Alright”

It took no longer than three minutes as I decided to just sport a shirt similar to the one I was wearing, though this time it was a short sleeve beige one. As I was about to leave my room, taking one more glance at myself in my dressing mirror, I heard that Christine had changed the music to that of a record by Carlos Gardel. When I was back I saw her examining my extensive collection of records as she listened intently to the audio track. The music filled the room, making it sound and feel like we were in one of those arrabales in Buenos Aires with the tango speaking through the speaker. The singer's voice produced a sort of a melancholic cry and essence of longing that was quite rare to find in a singer nowadays. 

⏤ “I didn’t know you liked tango” I said as I approached her side,  almost startling her , to enjoy the music next to the victrola. 

⏤ “I do, I used to dance it any time I had the opportunity. I used to go to this bar downtown in Berlin, they always played tango every Saturday. I was nineteen and would go with my then boyfriend… But I was terrible, I just followed whatever movement he made… It was probably a mess” She spoke with the same melancholic sentiment as the music we were listening to, as she reminisced about her younger self. I wish I could have met her back then.

⏤ “You wanna learn?” I asked her, offering my knowledge of the dance to her enthusiastically.

⏤ “Mhm?” She seemed to be taken aback by my idea, clearly not imagining I would propose such a thing or know how to dance it myself.

⏤ “I learned some basic movements, here and there, when I went to Argentina… For just about a week…” I giggled at my silly offer as if I was some kind of professional when it came to this dance, when in reality I was barely a beginner myself. 

⏤ “So that makes you an expert I presume” Christine made fun of me, raising a judging brow. 

⏤ “Sort of” I offered my hand towards her. Her eyes showed  evident interest, and it didn’t take more than a second until she decided to finally take the opportunity. I guided her towards the middle of the salon, where we would have more space to move around. With my left hand, I held hers leading the dance, while my right hand went around her naked back. Touching her warm skin felt like I had a piece of velvet placed right under my fingertips, so soft, so mesmerizing. Then she too found her place, instead placing her hand on one of my shoulders and I tried with all the strength within my body not to flinch. 

⏤ “Okay so, you need to mirror my movements, but follow my feet. If I go forwards, your foot has to do the contrary and go backwards.” I commenced the explanation, which was pretty simplistic in nature. 

⏤ “Alright” She sounded as enthusiastic as I was, which had me delighted.
⏤ “So now, starting off I’ll go forward, left, back, and then right and you’ll follow suit but in the opposite direction… It’ll sort of be like we are drawing a square. Got it?” I asked as I continued on with the teaching.

⏤ “I guess I do” Then the song Volver started to play.

⏤ “Alright… One… Two… Three… Four” We proceeded with our first try and she followed the movements I described to her with great precision. Though given that we had just started, we were looking at our feet moving instead of actually dancing but we were still making good progress. “Perfect, now we have to do it a bit faster”

⏤ “Understood.” Once again, we did the same square, now at  a quicker pace.

⏤ “You’re good!” I exclaimed as I felt myself getting warmer. She was following through with everything I had explained to her, and we shared a smile as I began to improvise some of my movements, still slow enough for her to follow me. “Now, I’ll hold you tighter by your waist, so you can lean back a bit.”

⏤ “Oh let me try” My heart then started to pick up its pace somewhat when she relaxed her spine a bit and tilted her head back, leaving her neck exposed as well as her collarbone, making the usual movement that a woman had to do in this kind of dance. Tango was well known for being a romantic and sensual dance, and this one was one of the most sensual moves. 

Then she incorporated herself, still following me. Now Por Una Cabeza was playing. ⏤ “I  think I could try to do some of the kicks ” She vocalized.

⏤ “Show me” I confronted her as we moved around the room, I gave her space between my legs as she got closer to my body, giving the usual kick in that small space. “I think you are better than what you said you were” I expressed in surprise.

Christine chuckled. 

⏤ “Open your arms” She let go of my leading hand. “Turn me around” I followed her en suite, doing so with my right hand. My right hand and her left, which were still linked, were stretched as she had turned herself completely, so she could  finally roll herself between my arms. Her back was now against my chest and I  embraced her from behind as we did a basic move. Our heads were leaning towards each other. 

Her perfume, now stronger than ever due to our closeness and her being completely against my anterior, was getting to me. Without even realizing it, I had become completely inebriated by this whole thing. I was touching her so intimately and sharing this euphoric moment with her in this way, that it made me delirious enough to which I started to think to myself that this entire activity felt like  part of a date between the two of us. 

⏤ “You dance so well” I complimented her, murmuring softly near her ear.

⏤ “Do I?” She used a deeper tone in her voice that she had never used before, while a flirty giggle came out from her lips, making me get goosebumps all over my skin. I wanted for this to never end, as I was trying not to make any of it the way she just spoke to me.  

Sooner than what I wanted to, that position was undone, and Christine was facing me once again. It was like magic when through that victrola, a tune that I purely adored started playing. A romantic, slower one: El Dia Que Me Quieras. As it fit with the song, Christine and I got closer and closer, chests brushing up against each other as the poetic voice sang the most beautiful lyrics.

 

Acaricia mi ensueño

El suave murmullo

De tu suspirar

 

Our arms holding each other, faces nearly adjoined as our cheeks were now touching side to side, sharing one warmth, moving to that hypnotic bandoneon. It was all just like the waves of the benign sea, slow, natural… It felt like we were one as our bodies moved in synchronicity. I closed my eyes as I felt the music in my heart, in my skin, right in my stomach, raw and pure. I could cry right now as I shared the closest touch with her. 

 

El día que me quieras

La rosa que engalana

Se vestirá de fiesta

Con su mejor color

Y al viento las campanas

Dirán que ya eres mía

Y locas las fontanas

Nos contarán su amor

 

I pursed my lips tightly, as I projected my wishes to the world. I asked the universe to make this moment last forever, as it was divinely beautiful and was filled with the absolute gentlest bliss I had ever felt in my entire  life. Nothing had ever made me feel like this before. Though ambivalence too now set itself in my mind as I began to feel pure desire flow through my veins mixed with a generous amount of sadness of not being able to have her in the way I wanted to. 

 

 La noche que me quieras

Desde el azul del cielo

Las estrellas celosas

Nos mirarán pasar

Y un rayo misterioso

Hará nido en tu pelo

Luciérnagas curiosas que verán

Que eres mi consuelo

 

⏤ “Chris” I murmured in her ear with intense longing, feeling that right now I could die happily in her arms. 

⏤ “Mhm?” She hummed, seeming to be so relaxed while she still kept her body glued to mine and all I could think of was how tempting her curves were. How warm her proximity made me.  

 

El día que me quieras

Endulzará sus cuerdas el pájaro cantor

Florecerá la vida

No existirá el dolor

 

The day you’ll love me, pain will no longer exist , he said. I wondered if he was right, if the way he sang spoke the truth I should know. Yet when I felt her soft face leaving mine, to then look at me in the eyes, noses almost brushing with each other, I believed God was real. Those dreamy eyes, looking like two bright stars, were so enticing, so ready for me to fall in love with them. 

Time no longer existed, pain also didn’t, questions were no longer asked, the night was everlasting, the passion was deep in my skin, and right then I thought that Gardel was right. She was my solace, she was forbidden yet… She was my entire universe. I sighed as I stared at her, as I coveted her like nothing else in this world. 

As the accordion played with longing, as those violins were strung with nostalgia, my lips softly landed on the side of her mouth, without me even knowing where I was or what I was doing. For a moment it felt impossible what I was doing, the realm I was entering into, but I tightened my grip on her, bringing her even closer against my body, as if I was scared she might disappear, like a mist through the night, going far away.

But Christine didn’t move, didn’t run. As the record kept playing, I could not tell what song it was now, all I could focus on was her proximity, her scent and her lips that I was, now, audaciously searching for. I felt as if I was going into the cold sea water, little by little, testing the temperature. First, I went for the corner of her lips, then half of them, and lastly, her full delicious mouth. Again, she strangely didn’t dodge it or push me away as some part of me expected her to, and it felt like the longest kiss I had ever given to anyone before. I didn’t know where I was standing, or if I had gone too far, but it was too difficult to back down now… The die had been cast and I wanted nothing but her. 

My fingers on her skin twitched when, out of nowhere, her lips opened up a bit for me, giving me space to explore her mouth and I felt like I had just been saved from a long fall. The relief I felt, it couldn't be explained. She tasted as sweet as chocolate, yet strong as that wine she just had. 

I was ready to explode, as all the feelings I’ve been building up were about to burst and combust. It resembled that beautiful build up of Mozart's dramatic piano concert no. 23; the way the clarinet, the violin thickened a slow tension that resulted with the piano following through the conclusion. That’s how it all felt, an act abounding in passion and beauty… And with the strength parceled out from the sentimentalism of Gardel’s voice still roaming through the room, I went for it . My hands went to her neck and jawline, holding her with the utmost desire. 

My lord, how could I express the way she kissed me back? It felt right, it felt necessary. There wasn’t anything off, it felt like it had to happen for she was reciprocating it with the same want… The same need. She grabbed my shirt so tightly, as if she might rip it off at any minute. How heavenly, how soft a woman’s lips felt, it was like butter and I couldn’t have enough of it. One of my hands went up the side of her head as I had my fingers slowly run through her beautiful hair, her baby hairs feeling like silk strands while the thumbs of my other hand felt her warm cheeks.

In my weakness and complete nervousness, I left her lips, as I was catching my breath. I gasped for air, but without even being able to control it, a whine escaped. I could not expect that sound from me could make her react in such a manner that it did as she now deliberately and immediately looked for my lips, seemingly filled with an intense sense of hunger. Those kisses now had an intention and it quickly showed as she moaned through them, making my knees shake and pour out from me the most animalistic side of myself I hadn’t ever really seen before.

For a moment, I began to ignore what person I had become as, before I knew it or was again aware of what I was doing, I had her backside placed up against one of the chest of drawers as I kissed her senselessly, not wanting to stop until our lips hurt. Yet for me, none of this was enough… At all. I coveted more… Much more . My hands went behind her neck, untying the straps of her dress, to let them fall and uncover her bra-less chest. I was so eager to touch her, to fondle them, and I didn’t know what I had expected when I made that move but she hummed in my mouth, as a clue for me to keep going, ostensibly accepting my erotic touch. My fingers trembled as I felt her peaks and I sensed them hardening as I kept going. They were voluminous in my palm, inadmissible for me not to touch; and she was writhing in pleasure as it happened, her little mewls, the noises she made while I felt her skin were filled with nothing but pure ecstasy. 

I had the notion that she had been either repressing her ardor or was in a lack of sexual activity, for the way she was accepting and wanting my advances was so desperate and it just fueled me more and more with passion. 

My right hand left her bosom, to then drop to her thigh as she was partially sitting down on that wooden surface. I grabbed her skin tightly, pressing my fingers in the soft flesh making her naturally open her legs even wider. In a way it seemed like she was offering herself to me, and I took that chance without any hesitation. 

I started to move my hand deeper and deeper through her skirt, as the temperature surrounding it rose higher and higher. I was almost startled by her soft yelp when my finger encountered the dampened silk. With my fingertips, I teased her over that fabric and she pushed her pelvis against my digits, outwardly displaying that she was in complete need. I figured that it made no sense to beat around the bush any longer, I desired more and I knew she did too. I moved aside her undergarment, exploring her entrance to find her completely aroused and ready for me to finally make the move . 

A finger slipped through her, so naturally so easily it made her twitch under me, as her tongue played with mine while we kissed. There was no more romanticism, no shyness at all. It was an open display of obscene passion, and I was more than happy to please her. I buried my finger inside her, in and out… It felt so warm, so delightful to feel her like that. I decided to leave her beautiful lips, to then kiss her jaw, traveling to her neck as I promptly placed another digit inside of her. 

When that happened, Christine’s moans intensified as she placed her head to lean against the wall, letting everything go. Her noises were like throwing logs into the flames, to make it bigger, to build the fire even higher. It fueled me, it made me move faster in her. Just then, I had the opportunity to look at the scene unfolding in front of me, as my left arm was still holding her, and my right hand was penetrating her. It was such a provocative sight, it made me feel even more aroused; her chest was on full display in front of me, so full, so tempting; her legs opened as I pleased her, her neck also exposed as she was leaning back. 

I felt how my own underwear was now becoming uncomfortable for me, but I couldn't stop pleasuring her, as if it was the last thing I had to do on this earth. Her moans were even louder now. I hadn’t expected her to be so vocal but it satisfied me to know she was enjoying it as much as I did. Then, all of the sudden she spoke, her voice deep in desperation, full of need. 

⏤ “There… More…” 

She grabbed the hand that had my fingers deep in her, tightly as if she was adding more pressure, as she couldn't wait any more to reach her orgasm. I followed her instruction, giving attention to the spot she guided me to, moving it faster and harder. Then a sharp gasp, her mouth opened as her eyes closed tightly. An even louder moan followed, making her quiver as she finally reached her highest height of pleasure. 

Now laid up against part of her body, I felt her heaving, catching her breath, my now hand feeling so cold after abandoning her warm body. Yet, this wasn’t the end. I also needed her… I needed her like I needed air to breathe. In a swift move, fueled by desire, I held her in my arms; like a damsel in distress or a couple who just got married and were about to cross the threshold of their new home and brought her to my bed. I don’t know what type of entity was possessing me for every movement I made felt as if it was not me … Or perhaps… All this time, this had always been in me. 

After I laid her on my sheets, it seemed as if we were connected, as if our ideas were one. In a rush she started to undress me, as our lips shared another heated kiss. Soon my skin felt the summer breeze as she was taking off my shirt, and I helped her to take off my trousers. I had discarded my slip after the wine incident so I was already in my underwear, ready for her to uncover my body. We were both in a state of disarray, panting and trying to move uncomfortable fabric that just slowed us down. Finally, I was kneeling in front of her in that bed as she revealed my more modest breasts to the darkness of that room. I was trembling when her hands started to travel right to them, though they were devoid of any brusque moments, instead infused with a great deal of patience. 

⏤ “Christine…” I sighed, as her fingertips reached my nipples. I got the shivers all over and I was obsessed with her touch on me. My desperate cry reached her. “... I want you… Touch me, please…”

She explored me with her hands, discovering my feminine body, from my breasts to my behind… As if she was seeing with her digits what she couldn't see with her eyes. Until finally, she reached that spot, where my desire was the most intense. I didn’t have to say much, because when she felt it, she knew how much I had been suppressing. As she touched my folds, I felt like whimpering and my blood was now piping hot, coursing through my veins with a velocity that my heart couldn't keep up with: face red as I was bothered enough. 

I was about to plead with her, but before that could happen, she finally laid me down, almost too laying on top of my body and entered me. I bit my lips as if I didn’t want to make any noise but, when Christine started to kiss my clavicle, going down to my chest, it was hard not to. She did it rough, and it excited me, as if she knew I wanted it like that from the beginning. Then her mouth played with my bosoms and I let go of the senseless idea of keeping it quiet. When I felt her warm tongue on my skin I was whimpering once again.

It all felt like a new world had opened itself right in front of me tonight, where I could discover things I was missing, things I never knew I would enjoy as much as I did. From all the wild thoughts I had I never thought that Christine would be kissing me like she was now, touching me the way that she was now, pleasuring me the way that she was…

Yet she didn’t have to do much to push me over the edge, I had been in so much need, worked up for so long, that it wasn’t long until I too reached my highest height of pleasure, whispering her name as if it was a desperate call for her. Never have I ever been touched like she just touched me, like I was treasured, like I was a delicate creature. The softness of her hands, her divine breath against my skin, her erotic sounds of pleasure… I couldn't believe it was all real, it felt as if it was all a dream... As if I had entered into some paradise. I didn't want to come back to reality... Ever again.

Notes:

Happy pride month
Oh and yes, my first time making a big reference to my culture and my country, so I hope y'all listened the music that goes along with this chapter.

Chapter 7: Act 6: Obscure Duet

Summary:

I remembered every single spot that she had laid a finger on. I missed it, and I missed her…

The rays of the soft morning sun danced around my face as I closed my eyes tighter, not wanting to open them up. Though, as it’s experienced by everyone, all over the world, the realization that I had to get up, whether I liked it or not, crept up into the forefront of my mind. Slowly I opened my eyes, the sunlight blinding me as I heard the soothing sound of the ocean waves hitting the shore line. As I started to stretch, in an effort to help myself wake up a bit more, I realized that I had slept on my stomach and I immediately cursed myself for sleeping in such a terrible position as I had no doubts it was going to make my neck hurt interminably.  

My shoulders felt cold to the touch and I noticed I was sleeping with not a stitch of clothes on, my body being covered only by the white sheets that laid on top of me just until my waist. Comparable to one of those big waves at the beach, crashing into the shore with intense force, the realization suddenly hit me of what had happened last night. Then, like a projector, every single scene played inside of my mind, every touch, every memory. I couldn't help but smile, even as I was still somewhat half-asleep. 

Christine … Christine! My brain seemed to be calling her. I quickly turned and sat up in a jolt, noticing that I was on my own in that bed. I froze for a few seconds, the wheels starting to turn in my head, now fearing the worst. I started heaving as I searched for a robe to put on, my hands trembling while doing so. I left my room as I became very concerned about her absence. Yet I felt like the panic slowly started to fade away when I made my way to the salon and I almost sighed in relief. I found her having coffee on the back porch, looking at the sea, her back facing me. 

I checked my appearance in the mirror for a second, figuring that I should at least try and look decent enough in front of Christine, as well as the staff who I thought too would rather not see an unsightly version of myself. Once I made sure I looked presentable enough, I went out onto the porch. 

With every step I took towards her, it felt as if I wasn’t even on the ground anymore, like I was floating from all the thrill, all the excitement flowing throughout my body. I was now in full cognizance of the fact that something new was starting… Or rather had already started… Something that had so much risk but enough temptation to yearn for a great deal. I couldn’t hide the small grin that was creeping its way onto my face, I was full of zest for life itself. The atmosphere around me met my jubilation as the breeze of the sea was dreamy and the sun was warm enough to make you feel good all over, both  inside and out. It all seemed good enough to pair with a nice cup of coffee that I was now craving, though instead I joined Christine’s side, content enough with just that. 

⏤ “Good morning” I said with the jolliest of moods. It wasn’t until I looked at her face, that I realized that there was something off. She was looking just ahead to the sea, with a blank stare, not even acknowledging me.

⏤ “Good morning” She said with barely any emotion, and I started to feel uneasy. She couldn't even look me in the eye. 

⏤ “Did you sleep well?” I still tried to ask with a lighter mood in my tone, wondering if perhaps she just woke up with her nerves all over the place and that was the cause for her absent engagement. 

⏤ “Could you ask the driver to take me back to New York?” My face fell when I heard that question and my palms started to get sweaty. I swallowed, as suddenly that beautiful morning I was just relishing in seemed not to be as lovely as I thought it was. As a matter of fact, the sun was now  burning my skin, the smell of the ocean now was putrid, and I was hating the mere fact that I had woken up to begin with.  

⏤ “What?” I couldn't believe it. Finally, she stared back at me.  She showed herself, appearingly as cold as ice as her frigid stare and confrontational presence was now frightening me. She had changed, seemingly from night to day in one swift motion, into a completely different person, and I didn’t understand any of it, not even one bit.

⏤ “I want to go back to New York now. I packed my belongings and I am ready to leave. Don’t worry about them knowing anything” She gave a look to the house, implying she meant the housekeeper. “I left the bed before they arrived, and went to my room during the night”

I was speechless. Was this some kind of depraved joke? I was horrified, I was heartbroken, I was puzzled. I couldn't speak my mind yet, I couldn’t even formulate a word if I tried, but no matter what, I knew I didn’t want her to leave. I wanted to understand what happened. What made her change ? 

⏤ “Don’t leave, please” That was all I was able to finally mutter, and even then my voice sounded terribly weak.

⏤ “I have to,  what we did was not right. It's not normal” I grabbed the hand rest of the chair tightly with my left hand as my right hand partially covered my face in despair. I couldn’t cope with any of what I was hearing..

Yet, when I noticed she was about to get up and leave, I grabbed her by the wrist. 

⏤ “I don’t want you to leave, please let’s talk about this”  I pleaded with her, now feeling tears accumulating in the corner of my eyes as I looked at her, desperately hoping she’d find even just a little bit of compassion to at least listen to what I had to say.

I thought I saw her doubt what she was doing for a minute, as her eyes avoided me again and her lip trembled, but I guess I was wrong when she spoke again as she sounded even crueler than before. 

⏤ “I won’t, it was all sick . I am still married, don’t you remember?!” She let go of my grip, eyes still ignoring me.

I closed my eyes,  hopelessly trying not to lose my composure so rapidly, but I wasn’t necessarily succeeding in that as I then shouted: 

⏤ “Mrs. Harris!” I stood up, now diverting my gaze from her and facing the sea, trying to save face, so no one could  see me cry. 

It wasn’t long until the housekeeper was outside, a few steps away from us both. . 

⏤ “Yes Miss Wright?”

⏤ “Tell the chauffeur to drive Miss Radcliffe to New York. Immediately” 

⏤ “Yes Miss Wright”

I tried to hold it in as much as I could, as long as I could, grabbing the porch handrail tighter and tighter, as tears started to fall on my cheeks. What seemed like a dream last night, this morning seemed like a nightmare, a disturbing and terrible one at that and one that I wanted to stop immediately. 

 

***

 

Life was no storybook, there was no happy ending when all is said and done. I knew that all too well; I had suffered at the hands of many including myself the majority of my time on this earth. But why did fate make me taste happiness for a moment, allow me to feel the euphoria of contentment for a slight moment, to then suddenly strip it all away from me? I couldn't understand it. It was all so cruel, so twisted and evil and I absolutely hated it. I truly and honestly would’ve preferred for it not to have ever happened then have it taken away from me in such a manner as it was. 

I was left with more questions than answers, with so many things left unsaid. Why me? Why? I asked myself several times. Was it all supposed to be like this all my life? When does it get better? Does it get better at all ? 

When you find yourself in a new situation that you have never been in before, you feel lost… Without a compass, not knowing which direction to take your life in. I had no one to turn to, not a single soul… Christine was my person I could go to but now she was just… Gone, like everyone else previously in my life. Moreover, I couldn't speak about this issue with anyone even if I wanted to.. It was a secret that had to be held away far from the ears of the masses. At least when it came down to past events that involved Paul and my ex-husband, I could speak it in therapy or with any general listening ears, without being treated as an anomaly. But with this? I was on my own in this matter, and that was mentally exhausting to endure.

Being back in the city felt like a punishment. Returning to a house that was reigned by complete coldness, emptiness, and most of all, silence… It was disturbingly horrifying for me to have to withstand as a whole. The absurd contrast with what I had just experienced the majority of this summer made it all even worse. Now, once again, a part of my past had assumed the character of a ghost in my life, incessantly haunting me and never letting me be alone for even a second. Yet, despite such, I tried to prevail, I put forth what little energy I had left and made the effort to continue on with my habits, my usual routine. Though I wasn’t successful in that matter… Not in the least. I would try to sit in my study and read, but any time I made such an attempt, I would find myself not able to concentrate whatsoever. No matter what I did or how hard I tried to ignore it all, each and every concerning thought would infiltrate my mind and boycott every part of my being that was trying to work in a normal manner.  All of it was so overwhelming, but still, I couldn’t dare to face my therapist with such an issue… So in turn I didn’t even make the effort to engage with him at all. I couldn’t think of anything but this issue in my life now, nor could I even visually hide my turbulent soul, so I closed myself off, knowing that by doing so I could at least evade the possibility of this secret ever coming out, and the scrutiny I would inevitably face if it did. 

One of the biggest questions of all, the one that unlike the others never, ever , left me alone was if Christine had actually felt something for me. I turned every stone in my mind for an answer that would coincide with her behavior, but all I could really think was that she must have… There was no way she didn’t feel not even a single thing after that night. She wanted me… That night I felt it, she wanted it, every part of it, just as much as I did. No one could play pretend with something like that, we had made love to each other and I knew there was no acting involved whatsoever. But then why did she flip so quickly? All those words she said to me that morning still hurt me just as much as they did when she had said them. It wasn’t natural, it was wrong, it was sick … The unpleasantness those sentences gave me brought me to tears everytime. How could something so beautiful, so celestial could be called those words? I had no clue how she could feel the exact opposite as me. Her sudden cold demeanor made no sense at all, and no matter how hard I thought of it, it all didn’t sit right with me. Something was off.

That unbearing feeling that something was left unfinished, unresolved, continued to follow me the following days. From sadness, I went to anger, not understanding Christine to being absolutely enraged by her behavior. She knew of my past, She knew me … Or at least I thought she did. Instead what she actually did know was how to play with my feelings, just to then desert me and leave me alone with yet another heartbreak. 

Fed up with how pathetic I had become, I began to rebel against my own self, specifically the part that didn’t want to do anything at all but wallow in my own self pity, and forced myself to go out. I started to go to endless parties with the same people I used to consort myself with. There I would smoke but eventually the taste of tobacco would disappear from my lips; I would drink but the alcohol was never strong enough to numb me; I would laugh at stupid jokes that were genuinely humorless to me but I would still chuckle to fit in with the rest of the crowd. I did everything I used to, even though most of it, if not all, had no sort of sustenance for me, all to blend back in with what I used to know… I wanted to pretend life continued… With or without Christine. 

I attended long ballets, banquets, and operas. The latter would always conclude with tears in my eyes, and I would fool myself thinking that the soprano had sung with so much emotion that it had moved me. But deep down I knew why I was crying. I was, once again, living an empty, senseless life. It had no taste, no flavor, no laughter, no joy. I moved with the current, to not make myself look as pitiful as I actually felt. 

Though, no matter how much I fought, at the end of the day, specifically  everytime I went to my bed, things would always crumble. My mattress felt so desolate, too massive for just me and me alone. It was hard to push all the memories we shared behind as I reminisced how her touch felt on my skin. I remembered every single spot that she had laid a finger on. I missed it, and I missed her… Oh gosh I missed her terribly. 

Whatever I did, wherever I went, whatever excuse I used to entertain myself was a defense mechanism to not confront what I already knew but  was trying to avoid at all costs. I knew what it meant when I closed my eyes and I imagined her face at the early hours on that beach; I knew what it meant when I recalled so vividly the sound of her voice; I knew what it meant when her eyes full of ecstasy would hunt me in the darkest hours of the night. It was beyond the physical desire, it was sentimental as well… I was so blind to having ignored all along that I was in fact, in love with her. 

Love, in its most lamentable nature, is a wonderful thing… But when it is unwanted by another, it becomes the most brutalizing feeling for one to have. To boot, when you are in love that feeling increases tenfold and makes you feel as though you are being put through uninhibited emotional torture. I had come to only learn that now, as I had never experienced both being in love with another and receiving only rejection in return. Sure I had loved many… I loved Victor… I loved Paul… But that was just that, I only loved them, which in itself can be allotted to many individuals, even things, without any real and true sense of value. I had never before experienced with them or anyone else what I was feeling now for Christine. I felt as though I was wrapped in complete warmth, like someone had laid a warm wool blanket on me. This warmth was not seeked for… No, instead it was bestowed upon me without any true warning and this warmth… It was charged by complete and total adoration… Tenderness… Devotion like no other. All of this made the lack of reciprocation harder to bear than any other heartbreak I had ever experienced. Though I didn’t necessarily acknowledge its existence, there was still a small, hopeful flame lit in the corner of my heart, its fire stoked by the good memories of her and I when they appeared in my mind and a dream that one day she might love me in return. I didn’t have it in me to completely put out that flame… Not now and perhaps not ever.  

The way she had reacted when I begged her to stay that morning after was engraved into my brain. Christine tried to ignore my eyes as much as she could, her lips quivered… It was as though her own body was rebelling against her, wanting her to look back at me and say something that she had in her heart but her mind… It just wouldn’t allow any of it. Each physical reaction of hers made me wonder if what she had said was what she actually wanted to say… Perhaps she didn't actually feel that way… Perhaps she wanted to preserve what us , especially from that night before, meant to her, before it could become tainted by the following day. 

That idea ran its own set of courses throughout my brain, courses made up solely by hopefulness and the wish that things just might not be what they seem. I knew I was a fool, but I hadn’t given up on her… I just couldn’t, and as the weeks passed by, I convinced myself that perhaps it would do good to try and talk to her… In person. So, one late afternoon I dismissed David and took the car on my own. Once there I parked the car, close enough to her building but far enough where she wouldn’t immediately see me, and waited for her to come out. I couldn’t bring myself to get out of the car at that point, nonetheless go up and ring the bell to her apartment, so I stuck to the simple waiting game. 

I sat there… For hours. As the night came in I was considering just giving up and trying another day. But just as I went to go and turn the key to start the engine I saw her pass by my car as she seemingly made her way back to her building. My heart started to race, and before I could question what I was doing, I left the car, rushing behind her, hoping to catch her before she entered the building. As soon as I got close enough I grabbed her by the arm in an effort to stop her. 

⏤ “Christine” I called to her, still holding on, which of course startled her as she turned around to see who it was.

⏤ “What are you doing here?” She flinched as she met my gaze, subsequently escaping from my grip and widening her eyes. 

⏤ “I need to talk to you, please” I implored.

⏤ “We… We have nothing to talk about” I could tell that the sight of me alone had caused her to become quite the bundle of nerves, Whereas I was composed… Strangely. 

⏤ “Well… I do, there is a lot I have to discuss with you… I need to…” I waited for her to respond, but she said nothing. It seemed that she was so shocked and thrown off by my sudden appearance that she couldn’t speak at all, instead she remained quite jittery and… In a way, paranoid, on high alert. “Please, if you ever even once considered me a friend… Please just allow me to talk to you, just this one time.” I begged her once more, maintaining my closeness to her and gaze in a desperate effort for her to not break our eye contact. 

Christine then lowered her slightly raised shoulders and looked at her surroundings, as if she was checking to see if there was anyone near us… But there wasn’t, thankfully. Finally, she gave me the chance that I had waited for so long. 

⏤ “We… We cannot talk about that out here…” She muttered, by all appearances quite uncomfortable and disturbed. She then fidgeted as she grabbed her keys and made her way inside… I followed ensuite. 

On our way to her apartment, I tried to keep my distance from her, not speaking to her, in a way trying to give her space so she could get used to my presence once again, without disturbing her anymore than I already had. I knew that approaching her tonight needed a lot of care, and a lot of patience, I had one chance and I couldn't blow it. I was going to do it as delicately as I could.

Once we were inside, everything seemed just the same as it was the last time I came in. There was a little bit of some mess in her place, but no more than just seeming lived in. Nonetheless, I still noticed how concerned she appeared with how everything looked. I paid no mind, and I just sat down in the same spot I sat down last time, and so did Christine once she joined me.

Now, the time had finally come for me to speak as the silence became even more deafening than before. 

⏤ “I am sorry that I came here unannounced, but I figured it was the only way we could speak. Since the last time I saw you, I have had so many questions that have been left unanswered… I…” I cleared my throat awkwardly, suddenly it had all, my being here with her and talking to her, had become severely uncomfortable for me. “It’s been hard for me to understand just what happened between us. Trust me, I know none of it is something that I even once thought would ever happen but… I-” 

Suddenly I got all tangled up with my thoughts, I started to feel nervous, and I didn’t know what to say. Meanwhile she was sitting down, eyes staring at the ground, as if she were made of stone. Her demeanor certainly made it all the bit harder to regain my composure. 

I decided to ask what I was aching to know, fast, before my now hesitant nature could get the chance to stop me from doing so.

⏤ “How do you feel about me? Do you even consider me as a friend now or-” I was shaking as I said those words, I knew I was putting myself in quite a vulnerable spot.

⏤ “We cannot be friends, after all, It’s impossible” That answer came at me like a wave of deathly cold water, completely drenching every part of me and making me come completely undone from such frigid words. 

⏤ “ No… It’s hard for me to accept that… I can’t accept that you’re just acting as if nothing happened…” I was being genuine with those words, I could not understand where any of this was coming from.

⏤“That’s not true, I know it happened… But I want nothing to do with it ever again” The way she was speaking completely threw me off. Once again I felt that the way that we were engaging with each other right now, especially her with me, was completely anomalous in comparison to almost all of the other previous conversations we had shared before. I felt as though I was in some foreign territory as I participated in this exchange with her. Yet then, after a brief moment of silence, I decided to combat her… Fire to fire, toe to toe. 

⏤ “Is that so? Or is that just something you just told yourself in order to cope with everything?” To hell with softness… I couldn't stop it, how I was feeling, and it came out from my lips faster than even I intended to. 

Christine looked back at me, bewildered. 

⏤ “Stop assuming nonsense” She spat at me.

⏤“It’s not nonsense. I refuse to believe that you have no feelings towards any of it , I refuse to believe you didn’t want to kiss me, I refuse to believe that you didn’t want to touch me, I refuse to believe that you didn’t want me to touch you…” Suddenly my rant became more intense, as I couldn't look anywhere else but in her eyes. I wanted her to hear me, I wanted her to know .

⏤ “You better go now, I’m not discussing this any further” Christine looked quite troubled by what I was now saying, as if I was telling her a horror story of some sort. 

⏤ “Well, as you said, it all did happen, and for a reason. Because remember, I didn’t force you to do anything… I didn’t make you take any part in it, that was by your own volition… And in the same way, you didn’t force or make me either… I did it on my own. So now, pray tell what we should do about that… Hm? Keep trying to ignore it and make it as if it never happened? Because that seems to be the constant move that we both make… Like a never ending story we both try to forget about things that have happened to us but they still always come back to us… Don’t they Christine. No matter how hard we try to ignore everything, all of it is still there, hidden deep but within reach in our minds and it all comes into light when we least expect or want it to. Doesn’t any of that happen with you? Doesn’t it, what happened with us, come into your mind every now and then? Because it comes to haunt me at night… Every. Single. Night.” I poured it all out of me… Everything I felt and it didn’t even matter to me anymore if she wasn’t able to look me in the eyes as I was with hers. I was going to give her the same hell I was living and I wanted her to feel it in her bones. 

⏤ “Stop it. I don’t wanna hear it” She stood up abruptly as if a lightning bolt had struck her, immediately leaving the room and walking to the kitchen, and I swiftly followed behind her because this was far from over.

I found her, standing in front of the kitchen counter as if she was trying to find refuge there and, at the same time, hide herself in the darkness of that room as the only general source of light was whatever made its way over from the living room… Which in itself wasn’t much. Her breathing was laboured, clearly agitated by our intense conversation. I tried to soften up my voice, as it seemed that if I kept going at the same pace as I had been, it would take us nowhere, fast.

⏤ “What are you so afraid of? It’s our business and our business alone… It has always been… No one has to know…” I tried to reason with her.

⏤ “That’s not how it works… You have been married… I am married… What does that night mean… What does any of this mean? I don’t understand it and it genuinely frightens me.” Oh . What could I say in response to that? I felt her worries under my skin… Deep inside me, I knew what she meant and understood her concern entirely. Suddenly, our words weren’t so nasty and resentment based… Now they were lined with despair and consternation… We, as it seemed, were both seeing our situation through a different focal lens… In a completely different light then we had just moments before. No matter what she or I said, the life we had known was over, totally and completely. We had been besieged by the same questions, just with different responses, both equally leaving shambles in our respective psyches. Yet… One thing still rang true for both of us… Our lives were ours and no one else's, we only had one to live , not just survive. 

⏤ “You give it the meaning you want it to have Christine…” Her head was down, looking at the countertop as she grabbed it tightly, as if she needed it for support. “I cannot stop thinking about it, I can’t stop thinking about you…” Silence, she wasn’t saying anything, but I figured it was still good enough for me even if she only listened. “It’s not like I chose to feel this way… To feel attracted to you. It just happened… I don’t know why but I certainly cannot stop it anymore… I’ve tried… Trust me… I’ve tried.” 

⏤ “Leave me out of it” I knew that tone… It was the same exact one she had used that awful morning she left me. That tone… Though she was trying to use it in a way to convey hostility and malice, I could see right through each inflection that it wasn’t based on either of those feelings. It was underlaid by a deep amount of trepidation, as if all that was coming to her was a threat to her safety and security and she was trying to get away from it. But did she actually feel that way… Or had life conditioned her to feel that way? 

⏤ “Is that what you actually want? Or is that what you think you have to say? Are you pushing me away because you don’t want me around? Or are you just pushing me away because you are afraid? Because if it’s the latter then I understand it… I understand the fear… The concern… But we can’t escape it anymore. Because that night did happen, neither you nor I can pretend that it didn’t. It was all real and the feelings you and I both have, are real too.” Somehow now my voice sounded more calm, more grounded as I spoke to her. “We always have done what is best for other people, the majority of times ignoring our own wishes. Why don’t we do what we want to do for once?” 

⏤ “We can’t just ignore the consequences that came from that night and most definitely will continue to come… That’s just selfish.” She claimed, as if that single statement was good enough reason to step back, but she wasn’t seeing a small detail that put a fault directly through her claim. 

⏤ “Like one of the consequences that you are trying to ignore right now?” I asked and I noticed how her shoulders immediately tensed up after being caught up by her own contradictions. 

⏤ “What?” Her voice seemed more small.

⏤ “You’re ignoring how I feel, you’re ignoring the way that you’re feeling right now too…” I spoke in a softer tone, trying to not disturb her any further than she already was.

⏤ “I don’t know what you’re talking about…” Her voice wavered, completely thrown off and bemused. 

Yet, I knew that our bodies didn’t lie. Our lips could, but subconsciously, our body will always tell the truth. Slowly I got closer to her, my hand landing on her shoulder, softly caressing her. I felt her react, tensing up once again. 

⏤ “Christine… Chris…” I called her, as I dropped the tone of my voice. “I would never do something you wouldn't want to… I swear… I came here tonight, because I knew something was happening between us and I… I just couldn't ignore it any longer” Slowly but steadily, her shoulders started to drop as she seemingly started to relax, bit by bit. I continued to caress her shoulder, allowing the tension to continue dissipating, approaching her with the utmost amount of care I could give her at this moment in time.  

⏤ “I don’t understand it… I just… Don’t” I was barely able to hear her, it was as if she had said in a quick and concise whisper.

Both of my palms now laid on her shoulder blades, slowly traveling towards her arms, as my body went even closer to her. 

⏤ “Sweetheart… Darling…” I whispered behind her ear, my torso now hitting her back and I felt her melt under my touch, her grip towards the counter was not as strong as before. I closed my eyes as I felt her so close to me. “Your scent is so sweet, it drives me wild” I murmured, now placing my lips on her neck. I heard her sigh as she was now fully undoing and relaxing herself in my arms, which were now wrapped around her waist, holding her tightly, itching in want of touching more. 

⏤ “Helen…” She sighed once again, with my name so sweetly coming through her lips as I now continued with her kisses on her delicate skin. 

⏤ “I need you…” I said urgently, as my heart started to quicken its pace, adrenaline running through my veins as I was about to go mad if I didn’t have her body. My hands spoke before I could even think of anything more. I grabbed her breast over the fabric, tightly and oh so desperately as my lips were reaching her cheeks now. 

Christine suddenly reached my lips, her head turning enough for us to share a heated kiss as she finally let it all go. She started to undo her shirt as fast as she could. I was frantic with desire especially when she was uncovering her bosom for me to touch and I didn’t waste a second to relish the sensation of having them on my palms and hearing her delightful sounds of pleasure. 

Her hands were on mine now, as if she wanted me to grab her tighter, harder and it felt as if my skin was burning. Our tongues met, and there was no way to stop ourselves now, the urge, fighting the inevitable, none of it made no sense now. I was going to show her just how much I wanted her, and how I could love her better than anybody ever could. I was desperately in need and my body was showing it, especially now that I had her up against the counter, from behind. I clenched my thighs together, trying to satisfy the need for some sort of friction that I was oh so badly craving right now as I continued on touching Christine. I felt how sensitive she was as I grazed her nipples with my fingers and she stirred and gasped in pleasure in return. 

⏤ “Please…” She left my lips and I figured quite quickly that she was begging for more. In a rush, my right hand lifted her skirt, aching to feel her down there once more. Nor I or she had to say anymore, I did what she wanted… What I knew she wanted… What I could tell she was aching for. I went in with no doubts, wasting no time and Christine moaned and whimpered in response. The state and extent of her arousal was indescribable as it nearly matched mine. I was taking her, right here and right now in the most unusual place but that made it all the more exciting. 

I couldn’t pinpoint why, but I had never before had a physical connection like this one. It had never been this easy, this natural. It flowed from within me with an ease that was evermore shocking to me. As if it was something that just needed to come out from me and I couldn’t hold it back anymore, it was stronger than my own will. It was like I hadn’t even known my own self these past three decades until now. It… Was hard not to love Christine, to not worship her, to not caress her, to not make love to her, to not give her the moon and the stars. I couldn't get away from it, and when I had her in my arms, all for myself, I didn’t want to. 

I didn’t care if she was married, I didn’t care if she had been with other men before me. None of it mattered to me. It was now that mattered, I wanted her for myself, and while I knew such seemed and sounded awfully greedy, I wanted her like a precious diamond. Delicate, risky to hold on to, but too heavenly not to have. 

I was convinced I was the only one that could love her the way she deserved to. I would and could give her everything she needed and more, and no man could compete with how I was making her feel, here, right now. So tonight, I was going to show her why I wanted us to be together. I wanted to show her just how much I love her. 

⏤ “Not here” I heard her mutter, as she gasped and whined. And I suddenly stopped, now making eye contact with her, trying to understand what she meant. “My room”.

Soon enough, we were in the comfort of her mattress. The room was dark and I couldn't see anything, but all I cared about was that I had Christine under me again as she took off the rest of my clothes. Yet I could feel that this time was slightly different than before... It was more validating… More… Necessary. I knew now that this all was for good, and not for some need of  bitter remembrance. I was going to give her all that I had in me. 

Having her lying down on those sheets, while I was on top of her, kissing her senselessly was better than any concert, any opera, any book, or any ballet concert. The bliss I felt when our two clothless bodies met, our chests pressed up together, our legs intertwined, our hands touching each other’s skin… Not even the most beautiful music could replicate this sensation.

I was intoxicated with her, like she was the center of the universe and all that was in my brain was solely and only focused on her. The way her sweet aroma invaded my senses, the way her soft curves felt under my fingertips, the way her voice sounded so divine when she would call my name when I touched her, the way she touched me and made my whole body become covered in goosebumps, the way she  looks at me, with those electric blue eyes that ignited lust in me… It was all… Breathtaking.

At some point I started to relieve myself on her thigh, and soon she was mirroring me, feeling herself on my skin, where warmth and arousal was spreading. In the heat of the moment, my hips searched, my pelvis thrusted and I could feel her core closer near mine until they finally met and it automatically felt like I was seeing stars. I couldn't stop it after that, after that feeling, I continued to rub myself against her intimate place and she almost immediately started to push herself against me as well. 

At that point it was hard for both of us to keep quiet as we both were panting, moaning and whining from the pleasure we were giving each other. She grabbed me tightly, from my legs to my hips, her fingers burning into my skin… But it was delicious to feel and know that this feeling was as intense and pleasurable for her as it was for me. Hearing her constantly saying yes , with a passion and desire was  nearly driving me into insanity and it made me want this all to last forever, so I continued to give her my all, going harder and harder, as much as I could. 

Feeling wanted, feeling cared for, it all was so needful and fulfilling to my heart, and that was what made me feel so determined to have her with me. I hold it close to my heart, everytime we share in unison the way that we felt, the way that we look at each other, the way that we touch each other, when we danced, when we laughed, when we were giving pleasure to one another… Only Christine gave me that. 

I lost count that night how many times we did it but it was as if we needed to wear out one another until we collapsed fully into that bed. And after all of that, we fell asleep, holding each other with such care that could not be replicated. Like all of the sudden we became the softest, most romantic pair of them all. She fell asleep in my arms, as I combed her hair, and I smiled as I watched her doze off in the darkness. I went to sleep soon after that, feeling an inner peace I hadn’t felt in years and I slept like a newborn. 

Yet before the sun came up, I woke up in a daze, still in her precious presence, as she remained asleep. I knew I had to return home, before anyone would worry about my absence in the house. Unfortunately for me, my absence, especially at this time of night,  always raises a lot of alarms, especially after the incident . 

Slowly I started to move, trying not to wake her up as I left the bed. Alas that showed to not really be possible as Christine almost immediately started to stir and she opened her eyes in the tenue lit room. 

⏤ “What’s happening?” Her voice sounded hoarse, after sleeping long enough. 

⏤ “I have to go before the staff knows I left all night… They’ll get worried and might call the police since I left without any real notice” 

⏤ “Mhm” She hummed, half asleep still. 

I got dressed quickly and Christine stayed in the bed, slowly closing her eyes again with no real desire to wake up and I couldn't blame her. When I was ready to go, I approached her, getting close enough to her face to kiss her cheeks. 

⏤ “I have to go, I’ll see you soon.” I just couldn't stop myself after seeing her sleep like a gorgeous godlike woman, when a few words came out from my lips: “I love you”.

Perhaps going forward with such an utterance was too fast after all that had happened with us before… But at the moment it came from the heart. Nevertheless, Christine seemed to have fallen back asleep, assumingly not hearing the words I had just said, so it didn’t matter. I left her apartment soon after that. 

Notes:

Leave kudos or my cat won't sleep tonight

Chapter 8: Act 7: Requiem - Lacrimosa

Summary:

⏤ “What else do you want me to tell you?” I played dumb, which I knew would ultimately lead me nowhere.
⏤ “The truth of what happened”

My life feels like a ridiculous never-ending carnival ride where pain never truly goes away and always punches me in the gut when I least expect it, when I am at my happiest.  It never ever stops, this ride, not even for a moment and I’m the sole passenger on it, and try as I might, I can never get off of it nor are others ever allowed on. With every passing moment of my comical life and every loop of this life’s ride I am quizzical about just how much more I can take. At what point is it enough to where I falter back into my mental state from before and just become aberrantly mad? I am in a constant state of wonder if there is some deeply hidden button to stop this ride somewhere or if I truly had to stop it all entirely by myself. Though perhaps… I was both the passenger and conductor of this crazed ride. It seemed that I sincerely never learned to have an ounce of compassion for myself in each lesson brought to me in my life span, and I was constantly finding different ways to hurt myself. Time and time again I would open my heart up to someone, even though I knew exactly how it panned out times before, and I always ended up hurting myself more and more from this. As if I were on an operating table, lacking any sort of anesthetic, and others were the surgeon, my chest cavity would constantly be ripped open and my heart would be poked and prodded until it tore open and bled out, until it nearly stopped beating.  Though it never entirely stopped beating, the pain from it all caused me to wish it would… I wanted it to… I couldn’t take it anymore. 

I held the bottle of - this time- straight vodka in my hand so tightly even though I didn’t truly have any actual strength in any part of my body, let alone my hand. I had gulped down nearly a third of it even with the barman Eddie trying to subtly protest it as much as he could without causing a scene in front of all the other patrons. I was sitting on the stool, my upper body nearly laying on the counter as my head was supported by my upward folded arm and other hand, which was almost entirely covering my face as I fully immersed myself in my sorrow. 

The reason why I was here, the reason why I felt so desperately broken down once again… Was Christine . After our last encounter, she disappeared from my life completely. That occurrence was all so terribly cold and tortuous to me that I drove myself directly back into the comfort of alcohol which I had tried so hard to not go back into. I never heard from her again after that morning, she wouldn’t pick up my calls, and, no matter how many times I went to ring the bell to her apartment, she would never answer back and open up the door. She had shut me off completely and made it as if neither of us ever existed in eachothers lives. It was even harder for me to understand her now in comparison to before… I, truly speaking,  couldn't even really fathom the reasoning behind her actions or motives now, no matter how much I tried to. I started to grow more desperate as the days went by but no matter what I did it was all useless, nothing I did would make her show her face to me. 

When I finally came to the realization that this time she was trying to, indefinitely, push me away from her life, I started to spiral into a deep depression. But this time, unlike the last time, was worse for me… Much worse. I constantly inflicted and processed the idea in my mind that her lack of response meant nothing, that she did love me as much as I love her and that all she needed is time and such is why she hasn’t been responding to me. I allowed myself to fall deep into insanity. But… Such was not true… I knew it somewhere deep down inside of me, I just didn’t want to admit it then… Not yet. But as time went on I realized that all of that was just my way of coping with things, by thinking that maybe everything wasn't as bad as it seemed… But it was. She had clearly deserted me once again, and this time it was for good . It was as if she was trying to say that it was enough, that I should stop trying to force it, my love, on her and that my presence in her life whatsoever would prove to be detrimental to her continuance in a normal life. After all, even after I thought she too realized how much we needed each other, it seemed that all she thought about it was that it was immoral and unnatural and nothing else. No matter how much I tried to give, my love for her was not wanted or desired by her in the slightest. I was alone in this dark and hidden cave of affection and if I wanted to come out into the light, I couldn’t show or share how I cared for her, I had to keep it all concealed in me. From realizing that she didn’t care or want me around, I then started to think that maybe she was, in fact, right, that perhaps what I wanted was something that was never possible to be reached or to be had. Yet there was always something that would make me reconsider those thoughts. If the feelings I had for Christine were unnatural, why did they come to me so naturally? Why did they appear inside of me like a flower blossoming in the spring air? How could something so instinctive like that be called monstrous? I couldn’t figure it out and a war of confusion was just continuing to rage inside my head. 

Perhaps at the end of the day, I just don’t deserve love. Not from a man, not from a woman, not from… Anybody. I wasn’t meant for that. I was meant to be alone in life, no matter how hard I tried not to. Maybe that’s the answer to all of my confusion, Maybe… No, I am the problem. 

Though, returning back to my current status of being here tonight, in this bar, drinking until complete destruction of my own self, there was a reason why I was here tonight. Today, in the late afternoon, I went to the Chalet Suisse with Fanny Hemsworth, to have some tea and discuss an upcoming charity event that she wanted me to participate in. I figured that doing something helpful for somebody would do some good for the world… And perhaps some good for me. So I was there, listening to her ideas, intently. 

Even though I wasn’t necessarily feeling entirely fine, I still tried my best to put on a good face and enjoy Fanny’s company. Yet, at some point, Fanny started to speak less on the charity event and, in typical nature, diverted from the subject and started talking about some gossip I could care less for. While I used to jump right into gossiping with others, now, the feeling of hearing someone else speak on or about other people’s business made me just revolt on the inside for I could only imagine how many people in the past, or even now in the present, talked on my personal business in the same manner. Anyhow, I couldn’t really care less about where the Holbrooks went on vacation, so I started to allow distractions to come into my mind and slowly, I became more aware of my surroundings. I started to scan the room out of pure boredom, even though it was honestly more entertaining to look around than listen to the conversation I was currently trapped in. My curious gaze then landed on a table, a bit far from ours, on the other side of the restaurant. 

The boredom, the curiosity of what others were doing was all gone. My eyes, more than that, my mind couldn’t believe who I was seeing. It was her , It was Christine. Upon seeing her my body instinctively reacted in a physical manner and it felt like all my limbs went numb, hit by an intense wave of shock. Though, as I kept my gaze on her, I could see that she wasn’t going through the turmoil that I had been going through for some time whatsoever. As a matter of fact, she was smiling, laughing, enjoying her time at the restaurant… With a male companion. I felt overly emotional and my body was continuing to physically react to it on an even more intense level. It was like a dagger, heated from a fire, had been buried right in my chest and was burning me from the inside out. But…. I didn’t move, I didn’t cry, I didn’t speak a word. I was just petrified in horror. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing, and I didn’t want to. But, nevertheless,  it was happening right in front of my own two eyes. Next thing I knew, the man who’s back was, for the most part facing me, stood up and walked over to the counter top, to talk to the bartender. That’s when I recognized his face from an infamous photo I had seen once before: it was Karel Novak, her husband. 

⏤ “Helen, are you alright?” Fanny asked, clearly realizing something was wrong with me and I started to get dizzy. 

⏤ “I- I need to go, I think I’m about to pass out…” I didn’t let her speak another word, primarily because I didn’t want to explain what was going on… There was no real reason to do so, she…, Actually no one could understand me right now. I immediately got up and left before I could put any more attention on me or let Christine or Novak see me at all. 

Now, my mind couldn't stop flashing those images throughout my psyche, and it was giving me the need to drink more and more of that vodka and I continued to gulp it down like it was water. It burned, it burned so much it felt like flames were being ignited and spread across every system in my body, creating an interior inferno. But, I wanted it to burn more… I could still feel the pain from seeing her not too long ago… I needed the firestorm to catch onto that image and disintegrate into an unrecognizable pile of chard. With every drop of that intoxicating drink all I could think of is why she did it… Why was she with him? Why did she follow through all of it with me just to be back with him? In the past I was utterly convinced she had feelings for me, even if sometimes I would prod over some thoughts which would cause some doubt in my mind, but nevertheless, deep down I was certain she did. But now? Well, I wasn’t sure of it… Rather now I started to believe that such a belief was just a deranged thought of mine… Cluing to a great lack of general sanity within me. 

As a matter of fact, while I had deduced that those interactions between us had to be fueled by emotions and feelings from both of us, I started to think that maybe that wasn’t the case for her. I thought that perhaps I was totally wrong and in reality all she had been doing was enjoying the sexual encounters with absolutely nothing attached… That she had just used me as a way of getting the sexual satisfaction that she needed and absolutely nothing else but that. Possibly… Just possibly, I had been nothing but some useful toy for her to play with and discard when she was done. Truth be told, it pained me deeply to even consider such an idea, but… It wasn’t that crazy of a thought… Not after everything that had happened following our last encounter.  

I shifted my position and laid my head on my arm as I wallowed in despair. As I closed my eyes I felt as though I was in some cathedral and a death mass was in conduct for me, and just me, alone . A choir was singing for my soul, begging for  mercy for my shattered soul. I could hear it all in my head and I feared that I was totally and absolutely losing any bit of sanity I had left. In full anguish I attempted to take another swig from the bottle, to drink some more and try to put a cease to the affliction I was feeling right now… But this time I couldn’t. Instead, my eyesight became even more blurry than instances when I’m without my glasses and my body wasn’t responding anymore, not whatsoever. 

*** 

 

Everything was pitch black, including the clothes of all of those in this holy place I was now in. I was standing in the median of the primary aisle, but I could neither speak nor move. In front of me was a casket, closed, a pile of flowers of all kinds surrounding it as the choir sang louder and louder. I could see some attendees sitting close to the altar, but their faces were all blurred, forbidding me completely from discerning who they even were. I shifted my eyes a bit and could see my portrait was placed near the casket in a grand frame with a delicate ribbon reading  Forever in our Hearts placed across. Death was here, and the fear overcame me entirely, I screamed but it stayed within me, no one could hear me.

⏤ “Helen” I heard my name in the distance, but I couldn’t make out who it was that was calling me. All of the sudden, I was now able to move. I stirred a bit and opened my eyes, which felt heavy as can be but, just as before when I attempted to drink some more, I lacked any visual clarity and could not tell where I was. I blinked several times, slowly, in an attempt to rid the fogginess covering my corneas. 

Little by little I started to recognize the familiar place I was in, my bedroom, and realized that all that I had just seen was nothing but a horrible, horrible nightmare. My body felt completely worn out and felt as if it was three times heavier than it actually was. I then perceived that someone was sitting beside me. The figure at first was blurry until the cloudiness in my eyesight finally cleared and I could discern that it was my ex-husband who was observing me intently with a concerned look on his face. I was in a complete state of confusion as I now noticed that I had an IV in my arm and couldn’t understand why I had any of this in me or what even happened for me to be here in the first place. 

⏤ “Victor? Why are you here?” I was barely able to mutter the words, I had trouble speaking as my voice cracked. 

⏤ “Are you alright? How are you feeling?” He patiently asked, softly speaking.

⏤ “My body feels… Heavy, I’m… in a daze…” I explained, taking my time as my voice was adjusting itself. 

⏤ “I got a call from Eddie, just before he was about to call an ambulance. You passed out in the bar” Oh so that’s what happened . I covered my face with my free hand when I heard that, completely embarrassed that my ex-husband had to be involved in this. His tone of voice now started to sound more anxious as he began to question me. “Why are you doing this to yourself Helen? How long are you going to keep on hurting yourself?” I could undoubtedly perceive some annoyance now too starting to line his inflection. 

I wholly and honestly couldn’t even blame him for any annoyance he had with me. It wasn’t fair to him at all, to have to be dealing with the mistakes I was making. When I didn’t respond back to his inquiries, he grabbed my arm and forced me to uncover my face so our eyes could meet one anothers. Once again I could barely make out his face, but this time it was because the tears in my eyes were accumulating at full volume. 

⏤ “Are you trying to kill yourself?!” He asked, quite angered now. 

⏤ “Yes” I said before I started to bawl my eyes out, crying with an excruciating pain I’ve never felt before. I understood his anger, he didn’t want this for me, he knew I could do better. I supposed that this whole new incident frustrated him a lot as it probably seemed to him that he was not able to help me after all… That regardless of what he had done to try and help me before, I was now back at square one. 

⏤ “Why? Why would you do something so terrible to yourself” His grip was tight on both of my shoulders as he was losing his temper.  It hurt him as well… I could feel it… I knew him too well.

⏤ “I’m tired, I don’t want to feel pain anymore” I screamed out loud, finally letting it all out.

⏤ “Helen, you have a long life ahead of yourself… You cannot let any troubles win over you. You’re a good person, you deserve happiness…” He softened up his approach, his grip on becoming softer now.

⏤ “Well then how come I don’t have it?” I questioned him. It was a question I often asked the universe. 

⏤ “I don’t have all the answers but tell me why… I gotta know why you’re doing all of this. Does it have to do with Paul?” I contested that idea entirely and I moved my head side to side violently. “Or is it another man?” I kept quiet. I wasn’t going to… No, I couldn't tell anyone about Christine, not even Victor. The pain of having to keep her and everything a secret only added to the extreme pain I was feeling inside. 

⏤ “I’m not going to let you destroy yourself this way anymore. I’m fed up with it. This overuse of alcohol is going to kill you and everyone else that’s around you, in one way or another, physically or mentally.” He was right and I couldn't disagree with him whatsoever. I was aware of my actions, but it was hard to put a stop to them. “I came up with a solution”

I froze, thrown off by what he had just said. 

⏤ “What is it?”

⏤ “I… I found a rehabilitation center that can help you to finally quit alcohol. I know there’s a few here in the States but, considering there’s someone involved in your pain, I think it would be best for you if you go overseas, to England.” It seemed he was hesitant to share this with me, thinking I would get defensive about it and… He wasn’t wrong.

⏤ “ I don’t like the sound of it.” I spat as I imagined such a situation and blinked away some remaining tears. Me, surrounded by strangers, questioning me over and over again why I couldn’t just keep my hands off of the bottle and what drove me to said bottle in the first place? No, I don’t think I could do it. 

⏤ “It’s not what you think Helen… It’s different there. You’ll be far away from the states, you’ll be comfortable, you’ll have good therapy, and it’s centered around a farm and, if I know you at all, I know you’ll like that and will most certainly find a lot of pleasure being there.”  He kept going, trying to ease me, trying to convince me.  

⏤ “I don’t know…” I wasn’t in a good headspace in the moment to make any important decisions, I was too overwhelmed from what I had just done as well as Victor’s confrontation. Besides, as the idea kept buzzing around my mind I still couldn’t fully get on board with it. I mean… Me? Suddenly moving overseas for God knows how long because I couldn’t get a handle on myself? It all seemed to be too much. 

⏤ “Helen, listen to me. You have one chance, albeit this may be even your last chance, to make things right for you. Give it a go, you won’t lose anything… Truly you won’t, If anything you will gain some beneficial things instead. You have tried, I have tried, it hasn’t worked… But I do know that there’s still a way to help you, and this is it, they will help you. Please Helen, I wouldn’t send you to a place if I even had the inkling that you would hate it or suffer there… Trust me.” Victor was especially skilled in convincing others in the most kind way and unlike others, he would never convince someone to do something negative or that would harm them whatsoever, so I could tell he was being genuine in trying to get me to see the possible good in this all. Victor was there for me, as he had been before, he didn’t give up on me and wanted the best for me even if I, as I do now, didn’t think I deserved it. 

After that talk with Victor, I had a few days to think over and process such an immense decision. No matter how many excuses I came up with to negate the need for me to embark on this decision they all fell flat in the end. I really and truly had no other choice, I needed this… It was my last chance in this messed up existence of mine, to make it all better or just fail completely. I didn’t have anything to lose by trying and the idea of leaving far away seemed like a light,… A beacon of hope in this dark moment of life for me. Besides, Victor was right… What else was I going to do with myself here? The only other choice for me here, right now at this moment, was to continue on with what I was doing, drinking myself to near death as I endured the agony of the woman I loved having left me for good and still having to see her here and there within the bounds of this city. I knew if I didn’t leave I’d become both the center and laughing stock of all the high-grade New Yorkers as I became a crazy drunk until I found myself in a ditch some day. 

I had to take a hard look at myself in the mirror and ask myself what the hell I was doing to myself. I couldn’t keep living like this and the anguish on my former husband's face some days ago made me realize the consequences of my decisions in totality and how much it was also hurting others around me. It genuinely impacted me more than I had expected, to see just how much my choices in life right now were scaring those around me… So, I finally agreed to go.

That morning, when the ship sailed, it was significantly cold as autumn’s  first leaves were falling. I waved back to Victor, my chauffeur David, and my manor’s housekeeper, Mrs Gremwell, as they all had come along to say goodbye to me. I told not one other soul besides those three that I was leaving, and, genuinely speaking, I believe that was the best course of action to take as the shame for where I was about to go was gigantic and I couldn’t bear to think what others would say about my decision to go. But alas, the desperation to get better and feel some type of normalcy again was even bigger. 

A multitude of tears streamed down my face as I held the bouquet the trio had given me tightly against me. I continued to still waive, though now in a more aimless manner as the tears had started to blur my vision and I couldn’t really make out their faces or even where they were standing anymore. I blinked deeply and wiped away the tears delicately with my index finger so I could get one last glimpse of them before we set off for sea. In that time I caught a glimpse of Mrs. Gremwell appearingly tearing up as well as I saw her use her handkerchief to dab around her eyes. I realized at that moment that, besides myself, I had to come back to New York a better and healthier me for them, because that is all they wanted for me… To be happy and safe. My heart started to beat a little faster as I registered that notion… At least I had some people who cared for me on this earth. 

I would be quite the liar if I didn’t say that I wished for Christine to also be there alongside that trio, but she wasn’t and I knew that my wish was just that… Something I specifically wanted and hoped for, not her… She made it clear she would never be there for me in any capacity ever again. So, it was time to let go of all the daydreaming, fantasies that could never come true… They were childish behaviors and I was a grown woman who had to get her life back on track. 

In the midst of my reflective thoughts, the boat started to leave the coast and I felt that now I was getting physically more distant from her and it pained me more than I thought it would. Yet I knew that this was exactly what I needed, I honestly was in deep necessity of a heavy physical distance from her to allow myself to get her out of my head and reteach even my body and its reactive nature how to live without her.

 

***

How strange it is to think that once, just only a little while ago, I had been so accustomed and untroubled when it came to being in new settings and meeting new people. Now I instead actually found myself struggling to find my footing here… It felt as if I had just returned back to my highschool days as a new student where curious eyes were all over me and different people were being excessively polite as if they were hiding their true intentional personalities. 

Though I was struggling with that, not everything was as bad or deplorable as I thought it was going to be. I found joy in the scenery, the scents, the homemade food and the overall atmosphere of the place… But what I absolutely despised with every inch of my body was group therapy . Even the word itself made me shudder with annoyance. I was already used to one on one therapy and truly found it enjoyable to be retrospective with another, more informed, individual. But with group therapy? I feel too exposed, like all the eyes of the individuals in the room are solely on me and are filled with absolute abhorrence, like they know all of the shameful parts of my life without me even telling them. I knew that was, by all means, not even the case one bit and that none of them probably knew me and would never see me again after this, so there was truly no reason to feel this certain way towards this activity but still… I couldn’t take the uncomforting feeling away each time I had to engage in such an affair.  

But aside from my own personal sentiment towards the whole thing, it all seems deliberately and finely designed for us to become and try to understand one another instead of us just being a disconnected, heterogeneous group of people that only care about themselves. With this approach it earnestly appears to provide people with a safe haven amongst others to talk with in times of difficulties or to even just get different perspectives. I, in the most analytical manner, completely understand why they operate like this and I’m honestly sure that it works wonders for others, yet still, I don’t feel like I belong whatsoever. It isn’t because I am American, no, it is because I feel, and honestly am, different… I’m not the same as them. I have secrets… Very dirty little secrets, and I like to… No, I have to keep them where they always are, deep down in my heart. With this, I truly hadn’t been progressing much, more honestly, at all, with this said type of therapy. I suppose thankfully my lack of participation in group therapy was also evident to the staff. So, even though I had already been given a therapist when I started but hadn’t really gotten that in depth or truly comfortable with, they ended up assigning me another therapist who was at the facility more often to work one on one with me for multiple sessions a week, Mr. Philip Atkins. It wasn’t entertaining to me whatsoever to have to yet again, for the third time now, start all over with a new psychologist, but I truly had no other option. 

It's truly hard to show yourself to someone, to let them know all of your weaknesses and all the mistakes you’ve made in your entire life. What made it even harder for me personally was having to once again rehash the most recent events from last year to catch Mr. Atkins up with all that I have gone through, something I didn’t think I would have to do yet again after the second therapist. In all honesty, at this point I was fully doubting why I was doing this and if any of it would actually help me… Most nights, when I was fully alone, I would still crave a drink… Or two, and my heart hurt as much as it did while I was still in New York. 

Mr. Atkins, well, he often listens without really saying much, which is totally different to my former therapist. At first I thought it was just him allowing me to speak my peace but as it has gone on it seems to be his specific method of approach with his clients, one which he seemingly doesn’t change per client. It frustrates me entirely and causes such an adverse reaction within me that during most sessions I’m quite vexed to even  be sharing my private matters with him. My annoyance with Mr. Atkinson significantly peaked when I had finally told him that I had tried to kill myself on that beach. Again, like many times before, he hadn’t said much, not even as much as a thank you for sharing that with me after it was so evident how much I struggled to tell even him that I had done that.

One day, after seeing his aloof reactions, I completely lost my composure and started to let all of my feelings and emotions towards him go out into the air in one swift burst.

 ⏤ “Aren’t you tired of sitting here all these hours listening to my sappy stories and not saying anything?” I knew I sounded defensive, but I was trying to pressure him into saying something, anything of value. 

⏤ “Helen, I’ve heard you, loud and clear. Yet all I see presented in  front of me is a painting you’ve carefully crafted to show me, quite a plain one at that. Don’t take my lack of responses as disinterest in assisting you in any way, that’s not the case at all. Rather I’m waiting for you to tell me your whole and true story so I can respond in a more helpful manner.” My face fell when I heard him, I was completely thrown off.

⏤ “What do you mean?”

⏤  “You’re telling me stories from twenty years ago, five years ago, and so on,  but you’re not telling me what happened before you took the  boat to come here. You’re confessing mistakes you’ve made in your life and issues you’ve encountered, things that, for the most part, have seemingly been worked on, if not resolved  with your former therapist. I can see that there are  things you’re still hiding deep within yourself that are troubling you more than all that you’ve told me.”

⏤  “I don’t know what you’re talking about, I’ve been sharing so much of me and my story” I knew exactly what he was talking about, but there was no way I was going to tell him the full on, absolute truth. I was here on my own, in a place where I didn’t necessarily know if disclosing such a secret would affect my safety or security. 

⏤  “You’re showing me parts and details of your life story that you want to show me, not the entirety… You’re still holding onto so much of it and keeping it separate  from the rest.” I thought I had dissuaded him, yet he knew I was lying. How? 

⏤  “What else do you want me to tell you?” I played dumb, which I knew would ultimately lead me nowhere.

⏤  “The truth of what happened” He was unfazed, not even bothered by my outburst which was honestly fit for a previous, fifteen year old Helen, not the Helen I am now, but still I persisted anyways.

⏤ “I am telling you the truth!” I stood up in anger, worked up enough over everything. “This is ridiculous, I don’t know what I’m doing here. I want to go back to New York!” I wanted to cry, for once I missed home. A home that still felt cold to me, but it was better than being closed off in my own cell of secrets and lies.

⏤ “For what? So your life is the same as it was? So all the trouble comes back tenfold?” He was right, I knew he was and still… I didn’t want him to know everything .

⏤  “Do you think I chose to feel and be like this?” I started to cry, not being able to stop myself from doing so, feeling trapped in my own crafted dilemma.

⏤ “Helen, no one is saying that. But you can’t quit now. Think about how well you're doing. You haven’t had a drop of alcohol in two months. Yet I know there’s something under there, deep inside you that’s still keeping you so distressed” Why was he able to read me so easily?

⏤ “And you can’t help me about that, because even if I told you, there’s nothing left to say. There’s just pain!” I screamed in fear and anguish as I then swiftly left his office.

In my mind, this was a long battle I was fighting on my own: I was protecting myself because I had to, no one else was going to or even could. Though, in a promise to myself, throughout this warfare I was going to save every memory of Christine and I, and keep it to myself no matter how hard it was to do so. No one had to know, I had them for myself and only myself, because if they were left out to the world, every single one of them, as well as I, would be torn inside out and picked at under deep scrutiny. 

That night was incredibly silent, and oh so cold. I sat at my desk, in the darkness of my room aside from a dim light, and, with my feelings actively escaping their restraints I had placed, I started to scribble  a letter. I figured in some way, I had to express how I felt and this would allow me to do so without involving anyone else in such.. I decided to write a letter for Christine.

 

“ Hello dear Christine. How have you been? I’ve been doing… Well, actually, if I’m being honest, I don’t even know sometimes… Most times. You probably no longer care that much for me or what became of me, but I left for England for a while. I’m in a rehabilitation facility, trying quite deeply to get better. It was all Victor’s idea and I think he did good, it’s a very fine establishment and program. They, the staff that is, are caring and are really trying hard for me to follow the daily schedule they set for me and, most importantly, not lose my mind. 

Everyday we have breakfast, have a morning group session, and then we do some activities depending on the day of the week. Sometimes we paint, sometimes we play board games, and sometimes we take care of the animals of the farm… They have a lovely stable! As you could already figure, I was immediately drawn to the horses and the ones here, well they are just lovely little, or I guess big, creatures. I spend so much time with them, I take care of them, brush their hair, wash them, and I go on endless rides. 

I’m also doing individual therapy, and sometimes my psychologist and I  have a hard time trying to figure me out, and, well what can I say? I can’t even figure myself out no matter how much of an effort I make. Yet I know I’m not making it necessarily easy for my psychologist to help me figure myself out as I, unfortunately, as you most definitely already know, have a very big part of me that is hidden deep and I refuse to let it out. You see, it’s already hard for me to disclose everything to just anyone, to let someone know all the stupidity that is my life, even a renowned psychologist. It took a lot for me to do so with you and well… We saw how that turned out in the end. So imagine that with this additive of having to conceal this confidential matter it’s even harder for me to let myself go and unfold in front of my psychologist. I truly don’t want to let anybody know the pain I’m feeling right now, I really don’t, I’m too scared to. But… I know I have to say something to someone, or my extinction will come soon enough. Isn’t that ridiculous. It may sound quite extremist of me, but it is nonetheless true. 

I need to tell you, what essentially propelled me into coming here, was You. A while back, though I don’t think you saw me at all, you seemed to be too wrapped up in Him… I saw you, appearingly happy as can be and enjoying your night. I, on the other hand, experienced a complete destruction of my psyche. Before that, I had tried, and was nearly succeeding in pushing the image of you and the empty feeling you left me with completely out of my mind, but I guess the confines of the city could never allow that and that slight glimpse of you just brought back every ounce of pain I had to begin with. Be that as it may, I also want you to know that since you left me, for now a second time, I haven’t been able to listen to any tango whatsoever. I think you have completely ruined it for me, something that I used to cherish oh so much and enjoy completely, you took that away from me, because now, whenever I try to listen to that bandoneon, all my heart does is ache and bleed from the grandiose amount of agony that has been strone onto it. 

Some days I wish I could take it all back, every single part of that first night. I wish I never asked you to dance with me, I truly do wish that. I suppose had that never happened I wouldn’t have lost you as I have now, and I wouldn’t have lost the last piece of sanity that was still left inside me. Since that night, all I have is loneliness within me and I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to get out of it, though I wish so dearly that I could, because the darkness that comes along with this loneliness scares me to the core. 

I don’t know who to blame, if it was the fault of you or I, or if it was both of us. But when something unwantedly breaks and can no longer be fixed, it’s so frustrating. Not only that, but it seems you never even wanted my love, something I only give out when I feel the deepest feelings for another. That in itself pains me so terribly and I can’t figure out how to heal that wound, amongst all the others that have been made.

Sometimes I cherish all of the memories we made together , your skin under the sun, your laughter in the early morning, the smell of magnolias on your skin, the sound of your voice. Though that cherishment is often followed by an evoked hatred to all the feelings that are aroused within me due to such memories and I find myself to be nearly repulsed by my own emotions. This state of conflict wreaks havoc within me and I’m surprised this war of feelings has not taken a deeper and more damaging effect to me yet. I mean, I know, I truly do know that it’s not desirable nor right whatsoever to have the love that I have for you, but I just can't help it. Though I do sincerely hope that soon enough, I will be cleansed from all this pain and torment. 

Despite everything I have said, I do sincerely wish you and Novak a lovely and happy marriage. The best to you both, you both deserve each other. 

 

Who still loves you,

 Helen ”

 

I looked back at those words I had just written and they showed me, directly, the current state of my mind. It was all so pitiful, filled with regrets, hatred and sourness. All of it was disgusting to read, so nauseating that I almost immediately knew that this sheet and its words was something that was only meant for my eyes and should never be seen by anybody else.  I grabbed my lighter from nearby and brought the ignited flame to the bottom right corner of the piece of paper. I watched it burn, as the ink got consumed by the created inferno and I wondered what the hell I was doing and if I was really doing anything good for myself by continuing down the path I was on. 

So, in the next session with Dr Atkins, I decided to tell him about my story with Christine. Of course I wasn’t going to tell him the story with a she or her added to it, rather I used he and him. I figured that, after everything, if I told him some part of the truth… My truth, perhaps he could help me in some way. So I took my time to explain all the details to him, being careful enough with how I depicted this man , and tried to not go off on any tangents to make it both easier for Dr. Atkins to understand and keep me from accidentally slipping up with any part of the story. 

When I finished he looked at me, staying in some silence and taking his time before he spoke back to me.

⏤ “There’s something in this story that sounds… Strange. I can’t point out why though.” I froze. “In any case, I don’t understand why he has such a hard time cheating on his wife with you, as it is apparent that he had already done it in the past and it seems he didn’t mind much before either to have done it again”

⏤ “Well, how could I know? Maybe he still loves her?” I couldn't even believe it myself, the story I had told him. 

⏤ “Perhaps, some people like to keep a front so everyone doesn't judge them so harshly by their mistakes.” He tried to reason with me, trying to find some logical sense to my story.

⏤ “Certainly, I’ve done it before” I commented, knowing I had lived a life where the image that one projected was everything. 

⏤ “Exactly, so this is why I’m about to ask you… Why are you having a hard time understanding his attitude when you have acted the same way before? Especially why is this so different from Paul?” I was left stupefied, as it seemed that my story actually hadn’t the impact that I thought it would have if I told the truth. 

⏤ “I couldn’t tell you… I don’t know” Of course I knew, though I was misrepresenting why I actually felt the way I did with this partially made up story, to cover the truth. I know that if it had been with a man, given how much work I had put in with my first therapist, things right now wouldn't have been this painful as they are for me.

⏤ “What’s truly keeping you from moving on is you . No one else but you… It’s time for you to let go of all these pent up feelings, this anger, this bitterness you feel because it’s never to go away until you forgive yourself, and him ultimately. There’s no point in waking up everyday with a grudge in your heart, fueling the rest of your body and dictating how you should feel or act, because no matter what, it is always gonna be there, in your everyday life, that ill feeling. Even if you don’t notice it, it is still there and will continue to stay there if you allow it. Bitterness is like a parasite that, if permitted, will eat at your soul, little by little without you really knowing or taking any notice of what is happening and when you least expect it, you’ll be all by yourself Helen.” 

He was right. Everyday I would consume myself in annoyance, with an aching remembrance of things I couldn't control, jealousy, and, most of all,  envy.  Because, in all honesty, though I have never even met him, I genuinely hate Novak, along with their young Berliner love story. I so desperately want what he has… For Christine to feel the love she has for him for me instead. A sense of selfishness, completely wanting what I desire had never been this pronounced in my life up until now. Though such could ultimately be attributed to my unfounded belief that to some degree, that ring she keeps on, signifying their, though falted, matrimony and their memories together from a time ago are what is keeping her away from me.

Alas, in the end, none of these destitute feelings or wishes have any effect on moving me forward in my life, instead they are keeping me stagnant, in place as I wither away with all these terrible thoughts running their course through my mind nonstop. I have to accept not only Christine’s wishes, but the fact  that her heart didn’t belong to me… It never even  did. After all, her heart was ultimately, and almost always, with Novak… She had consistently waited for him for so many years and endured so, so much pain. Those two lived through forced separation from the war and the agonizing uncertainty of not knowing if your loved one was alive or not. Now, after being pulled apart from life’s problems, they now had a lifetime to connect again and honestly, how ridiculous is it of me to even try to step between them. 

Even if it hurts like hell, even if I cry even more for the next couple of  months, I have to take her from my heart now before it is too late, before I destroy myself even further. I have to take care of myself because if I don’t do it and think about my own wellbeing, no one else is going to do it for me. 

After all that is true love, isn’t it? Letting someone go is one of the biggest sacrifices for love. She probably was happy without me, and that should be enough for me. Perhaps in the future, I might find my own happiness, and this will all  be something to remember, with a smile. 

Until that day, I made a solemn vow to forget and let go of Christine, an unrequited love that would always stay as that. Unrequited. 

Notes:

Sorry that it took a long time to update, we have been pretty busy. Last chapter needs some editing, it might take a week and a half.
Thanks for reading.

Chapter 9: Finale: Ritorno

Summary:

Now I was back on this large vessel, ready to arrive back home, stronger than before, wiser than ever, and undeniably unafraid.

Notes:

I'm sorry for taking so long to post, but we have been extremely busy and editing this chapter has been a lot. I hope everyone enjoys it!

The benign sea, rid of absolutely any sense of harshness that some turbulent weather could bring, was one of a few things that I loved to see the most. Brought into this specific bargain was the uncovered sun that was shining oh so beautifully at this very moment in time. It casted over the water in such a way that it sparkled more than the city lights back home when they're at their brightest. As the sun made my face all tingly and warm, like a cat in the early morning I relaxed my body and closed my eyes, enjoying the exceptional feeling of complete serenity. How I felt right now, how at ease I was at this current moment in time, It all felt so fiercely surreal. I wasn’t used to this kind of feeling, to this calmness and sense of peace that was in me right now, it wasn’t something that I had felt before… Not ever. My, usually chaotic, mind was silent, there wasn’t a bad thought to be found, no remorse of any kind. I was a different woman, a changed woman.  A year ago, such an occurrence felt and, more than anything, seemed impossible… But, it actually happened. I had found relief, I had found forgiveness within myself, and most importantly, after some bumps in the road, I had trusted the long and excruciating journey to being healed and it ultimately paid off. 

My therapist, along with a nurse from the farm, had accompanied me to the dock to see me off. I was filled with immense gratitude to Dr. Atkins, and, moments before I started to make my way to the ship he pulled me aside, to bid me a deep and sincere goodbye which I instinctively replicated back to him. 

⏤ “Thank you for taking the time to come along with me before I leave, and for… Everything you have done for me” I spoke genuinely, as it felt like a miracle, what had happened to and within me, and how much work he put in to help me achieve the status of secure stability I was at now. 

⏤ “It’s been my pleasure Helen, truly. In my profession, seeing the joy one develops as they see their process during recovery is the greatest gift… Nothing can replicate the happiness and gratification that comes from such.” His calm voice and gentle smile made me feel at ease. While I had been previously doubtful in his ability to assist me with my struggles, after some trial and error Dr. Atkins surely did show to be one of the best therapists that is out there… If only I had his help before…

⏤  “ I know now, that I needed someone to not only challenge me, but believe in me as well… And you did. I will forever be indebted to you.” I spoke with my heart, as I truly possessed the conviction that if it hadn’t been for him, I wouldn’t have made it for much longer. 

⏤  “Remember Helen, you have earned this, your growth, you worked hard and tirelessly to achieve it. It is your accomplishment and you should be nothing but proud of yourself… I am, I’m unspeakably proud of you.” His gentle look formed into that of a sentimental father who was saying goodbye to his daughter. It all moved me so deeply and tears started to well up in my eyes. 

⏤  “Oh gosh, I promised myself I wouldn’t cry.” I said as I pulled a handkerchief from my purse, my voice waveringly intensely now from the emotional farewell. 

⏤  “Ah, what have I said before? Never hide your feelings, it doesn’t do well for anyone… Don’t forget that.” He said, recognizing the displeasure in my voice for my emotions taking a physical form. 

⏤  “You’re right… I won’t.” I nodded in agreement as I dabbed the tears that had fallen upon my cheeks away. 

⏤ “And… Don’t ever feel ashamed about who you are ” His hand landed on my shoulder, squeezing it softly, his eyes focused on mine as though he was trying to convey to me that I should heed those words on a deeper level. 

⏤  “I won’t…” His tone of voice had changed, sounding stranger than before and I didn’t necessarily understand what he meant by telling me that but, in any case, I always took in any advice he gave me so I reassured him I would. 

Though, I could tell, by the look on his face, that he had seen that I hadn’t fully grasped what he had meant by that statement, so he repeated himself, this time being a little bit more explanatory. 

⏤  “I mean… Don’t be ashamed about loving someone”

⏤ “What do you mean?” My heart started racing. Did he mean that … Perhaps …

⏤ “Easy Helen, I know… I have known for some time. There’s nothing bad about it” I felt myself going paler than a piece of paper as I fully and completely grasped that he, in fact, knew . 

⏤ “How… How did you know?” I questioned immediately, voice fearful enough.

⏤ “You’re not the first I’ve met that’s… You know … And there’s absolutely nothing wrong with such” He spoke quite matter of factly. I couldn't comprehend what was going on, my mind was filled with so many questions, trying to understand where this all came from, how he had figured it out, what I had said that gave it away… I thought I had been careful enough. 

⏤ “But… Please, don’t tell-” There was no way I could control myself from sounding like a beggar asking for a dime, as I was afraid of anyone else finding out. 

⏤ “Helen, your life is yours and only yours, I don’t care who you love. Just take that boat and live your life… I truly do wish you all the happiness in the world” He smiled as we reached the stairs to the ship and I, all of the sudden, felt a wave of ease come in and replace every ounce of trepidation I had just had in my body. An enormous weight had just been singlehandlely lifted off my shoulders, one that was so immensely fatiguing to carry all alone in complete furtiveness. Though the skeleton in my closet still had to stay hidden from others, for the sake of general societal perspectives, I was no longer alone, aside from Christine, to hold my secret , and such a fact came without any grand issues whatsoever. I felt, for the moment, liberated and relieved. 

Now I was back on this large vessel, ready to arrive back home, stronger than before, wiser than ever, and undeniably unafraid. Amongst everything Dr. Atkins had advised me I took to heart the most what he told me right as I stepped onto the pathway from the dock to the boat: Never let fear consume you again. I knew I had to keep that within me always, I could never become the shell of a person that I had been before, that would be a travesty unlike any other. Before I had been so exhausted… So terrified, and so ashamed of telling anybody how I earnestly felt and who the person was that evoked such feelings. I never thought I’d ever encounter someone else who would know, let alone even understand how I truly felt. But it seems that I had and while his words were so shocking, they were so incredibly needed. All along these months of intense therapy, he probably figured me out, and tried to help me, respecting my boundaries and keeping my secret between us and only us. That's when it suddenly hit, just how much work he had put into my treatment, and just how much he protected my wellbeing.

With that, the first night came and I just about cried enough to fill an entirely new ocean. I was filled with an immense amount of gratitude towards Dr. Atkins and the journey he had walked through with me. Be it, that doing so is quite conditional for his line of work, he displayed a constant, unfeigned and genuine spirit of determination in seeing me progress and grow, which is most definitely not something every therapist possesses’. I, too, was grateful for the ferocity Victor had possessed in making sure I received the help that I now realize I so very much needed. I eventually, after the tears dried up and the general atmosphere on the ship got quieter, laid my head down to rest and awaited the end of the voyage to finally be back where I belonged. 

Surprisingly, the days passed by quite quickly. Now, as I was seeing the skyscrapers, the ships, the bridge… An overwhelming sensation came over me, as I was welcomed back home. I couldn’t help but remember a poetic Gardel song I used to fancy so dearly, Volver: “ The lights that in the distance mark my return are the same ones that illuminated, with their pale reflections, my deep hours of pain. And although I didn't want to return, one always returns to their first love ” In this moment, I didn’t need a Victrola nor even  the record itself to hear the ballad. By just closing my eyes, I recollected by heart every melody, the deep melancholy in the singer's voice, and the passion that fueled through the piece. As I let the music continue on in my head, I smiled to myself as I became conscious of the fact that this was the first time, in a long time, that I had reminisced a tango song let alone even thought of the genre itself without any issue. With this I gathered that,  in both my heart and soul,  I really was ready to move on. 

Being back home felt oh so good . I genuinely didn’t expect such a feeling of contentment to arise in me so quickly as for the longest time, my house didn’t feel like a home, just some place that I used a base to eat, bathe, sleep, and sequester myself off from the rest of the world. Yet walking in this time, I felt that I was a different woman. I now possessed a different view in life which called for a new approach. I was going to make the best out of everything, including being in the home that I used to love dearly. With all the opportunities and years ahead of me, I just couldn’t sit around anymore and let the world step over me and ruin everything in my life along with it.

Everyone was visibly glad that I was finally back home which made me feel even more confident and empowered. Upon seeing this I knew, deep in my heart, that these people, Mrs. Gremwell, David, and Victor, all they wanted was to see me both happy and healthy once again. I realized that no matter how much doubt I had casted in the beginning that anything would help me, I had pushed through the hardness of it all for a good reason. Not only that, but I had amazing people behind me, supporting me every step of the way and, frankly, they were more akin to authentic friends than anything in comparison to others I had surrounded myself with before. Though, as I scanned the happy faces of those in front of me once more, I could tell that no one else seemed more relieved to see me than the one who had single-handedly set me on my path back to good health, Victor. He was adorning a full smile as he looked upon me in full, assumingly realizing that after several months being away I had genuinely and wholly recovered. This sight of him, as he had seen me through such a hard time and tirelessly pushed me to get help no matter how stubborn I had been, made my heart fill with an exorbitant amount of both gratuity and warmth, nearly making it burst. Then he said to me, staring in both relief and awe now, voice trembling: I’m so proud of you Helen . With those few words, I  knew that I was blessed to have a second chance in life.

After some time spent at home, I decided to show my face to the public once again, this time without any hesitation or shame that used to accompany me quite regularly on almost all outings. I had survived, I had pulled through the storm, and I’d be damned if I let myself continue to worry about being put down for weak moments from my past. I lived in a world where appearances were everything and anything that veered off the path of perfection was looked down upon and, at this point, I was fed up with it. I was certainly not the first one in high society to struggle with their  mental health, nor am I the last, and unlike before, I now couldn’t think of a single reason to not continue on living my life with my head up high. So, I began to navigate the streets of New York once  again, with a  sense of peace within me as I felt that, just as Dr. Atkins had said, I was alright and everything would  be alright.

I returned to the theater, watched operas, went to concerts, and attended parties just as I had before. I vowed to myself that I wasn’t going to hold myself back from any events that interested me, and I was going to enjoy what I have always enjoyed, this time with freedom and peace in my heart instead. In the midst of all this I had even come across a new reading club at the New York Public Library which I promptly joined. I was unacquainted with all of the women in the club and it seemed to me that they too were not directly knowledgeable of who I was, which made the weekly tea parties to converse about our selected group book all the more enjoyable. In effect, through some of these women, I had come to learn about some very valuable charity organizations I hadn’t yet heard of which focused directly on promoting education and funding underprivileged schools so attending students could  have better access to necessary resources. I thought that there was nothing better than a good and accessible education, something I was unable to obtain when I was younger, so, as a result I started to devote a lot of time to attending benefits held by these charities. Attending these events changed my perception towards the world and I truly recognized the privileged position I was in. Likewise I found to truly enjoy my time at these events, I’d financially contribute whenever I was provided the chance, met many important mainstays, and every so often participated in some of their crafted activities. After receiving so much help from all of the kind people back in the program, I felt a strong need to help others and although music and causes related to such were important to me, I found that playing a part in supporting youth to receive the education they deserved was even more rewarding. 

After all this time spent away, engaging in these activities, both old and new, felt restorative in a sense. I was barely at home, like some sort of whirlwind I was going from place to place, full of ideas and endless energy, trying my hardest to make my life enjoyable again, which was ultimately working. 

One afternoon, I was sitting down in my salon, in my comfortable velvet chair, with the book The Naked and the Dead in my hands. The lovely September sun was casting its warm rays through the palladian window, creating a well lit, inviting environment to lose myself in my reading. It wasn’t too hard to find ultimate contentment in this current time and space  as the publication too was extremely fascinating and absorbing. making even the smallest action of having to take my eyes off it to look over to grab my nearby cup of coffee exasperating.  

Then, as if I were in some sort of hypnotic state from all this pleasure,  I was snapped out of my trance when Mrs. Gremwell announced to me:

⏤ “Miss Helen, Mrs. Fanny Hemsworth is here” she said from behind the chair  as she placed her hand on my shoulder. 

⏤ “Tell her to come in” I said as I kept reading, still fully immersed in the story. 

At some point I heard the sliding door close and I stood up. 

⏤ “Fanny, I certainly didn’t expect you to come over today. You should have given me  a ring, I would’ve had some things prepared for us in advance! ” I turned around as I placed a bookmark in the crook of the book and lifted my eyes from the pages. Then suddenly, I dropped the book as if it was deadweight, its following thud echoed  through the room. The woman who just entered the room wasn’t Fanny. A chill went hastily down my spine as my eyes fell fully upon her face… It was Christine. 

⏤ “Helen…” She murmured hesitantly. She seemed to be carrying herself quite…sheepishly. The inflection in her voice was shaky, reminiscent of a scared puppy trembling in their spot. I didn’t recognize the woman in front of me right now and honestly, for a moment it truly did feel like I was just seeing an apparition of her… That my mind was still subconsciously dealing with some trauma it wanted to let out and resolve. But she was actually here… Out of nowhere, no warning… After everything that happened, after all the time that had passed.

⏤ “Christine… What are you doing here?” I asked quite matter of factly, free from any sort of rudeness as I quite literally didn’t understand why she was here. Of all the things I thought probable in my life, her just showing up like this seemed the most improbable to me. In a sense I convinced myself that, besides possible sightings out in public, I was never going to actually see her, ever again. 

⏤ “I am so sorry for imposing myself like this on you by coming here so unexpectedly but… I felt like I needed to see you. I asked Mrs. Gremwell to tell you that it was Fanny that came and not me, it was my doing… So you wouldn’t say no, which I figured you would if  you knew it was actually me.” A classic act of pulling the wool over my eyes once again. 

⏤ “By what method did you succeed in enough to do that?” While she knew of her from the many times she used to visit, I couldn’t understand how, again after all this time and after the lack of her presence even after I came back from overseas, , Christine acquainted herself so quickly to my housekeeper, enough to the point where she would willingly tell me a white lie. 

⏤ “I explained to her that we had a quarrel and… Of course she doesn’t know any direct details but… I asked her to help me and she said she would be agreeable to doing so just this once… Did I make a mistake? Did I upset you? Should I leave?” The deeper, usually more hidden, part of Christine’s accent started to show itself in her voice, and I knew exactly what that meant at this point. I didn’t really know what to say as it was still all so puzzling and I was trying to process everything so far. Though what I did know was that the curiosity in me couldn’t just turn her around and see her out the door. 

⏤ “No, it’s all quite alright” I said… And it was true… I wasn’t mad nor was I sad over any of what she had just done. I didn’t have many emotions coursing through me, except for some anxiousness that was creeping its way further and further into me as time continued to pass. “Please… Sit” 

Christine sat down on the sofa in front of her, and I sat right across from her. 

⏤ “Would you like anything to drink?” I offered her the usual pleasantries that I gave to all my visitors, again not really  knowing what to say.

⏤ “No, I’m alright” There was an awkward silence that stretched long enough until she spoke again. “How have you been?” 

The hard part, actually talking with substance, had now begun.

⏤ “Lately,  I’ve been doing quite alright. Though it has taken me a long time to feel this way. I don’t know if you knew this but I… - I actually went off to England for nearly a year to get treatment. I took part in a rehabilitation program to quit drinking once and for all.” I didn’t know why I was telling her all this… In the back of my mind I thought perhaps she didn’t necessarily deserve  to know any of it but then again… I really had no reason to hide any of it. If anything I actually realized it was almost cathartic for me to show her how much better I was doing now… How much I had grown and succeeded without her in my life. “ I got wonderful help from so many people and I feel like my life has really changed in such a positive light. I haven’t had a drop of alcohol since before I left to go there. “

⏤ “That’s so great to hear, I’m very proud of you” Her eyes were attentive to me and she sounded completely sincere. Though there was some evident sadness in her eyes as well and I was sorry that was the case for her…But I didn’t necessarily feel bad for her… Not after how bad she had made me feel so many times before. 

⏤ “Thank you” I muttered, timid enough.

⏤ “What did you do there?” Christine seemed fairly curious about it, her eyes still maintaining a gaze with mine. 

⏤ “Well, the vast expanse of the programs location allows for a lot… There are several activities to take part in, such as animal therapy, art therapy, music therapy, horticultural therapy… Just all sorts depending on what provides you with the most enjoyment and pleasure. The basics, individualized and group therapy for the most part are  mandatory. I had a great therapist assigned to me that did wonders.” I gave her a general description, knowing I could truly never fully encapsulate the marvelousness of that program to someone who hadn’t been there before. 

⏤ “Ah, animal therapy… I’m guessing they may have had horses there?” It seemed that there was a small, timid smile trying to creep up into her lips, as she knew just how much I loved those animals. 

⏤ “Of course. I was the primary one, amongst other attendees, with them a majority of the time… Brushing them, feeding them, cleaning them up… The usual.” I smiled as I looked down at my hands, remembering those lovely horses and the feeling of their soft hair running through my fingers. I missed them so dearly already, as if they were part of my own family. 

⏤ “I knew it…” I looked up, meeting her gaze once again. I still felt a bit tense having her here, casually talking as if no time or trouble had passed. Nevertheless, I pushed through the uneasiness of it all, refusing to forestall finding out why she was here. 

⏤ “What about you?” I questioned, now also curious enough to know what she had been up to these days and how she has been doing. 

⏤ “Oh, I’ve been busy… Just working and working,  around the clock, finishing some work just to get back to other work that has to be done. The new semester just started for the students and it’s already chaotic.” She chuckled nervously, almost hinting that she perhaps had more to say than just that.  “Also…. I don’t know if you have heard… But Novak and I have decided to divorce… I’m just waiting to get the  papers completely finalized, which should be within this week actually.” She blurted out. I blinked twice, taken aback by such news. 

⏤ “Oh, well that’s quite a surprise… Why?” I knew their past was troubled, but I really never expected that they would both  settle on such a decision, on the contrary, after the last time I saw them together I thought Christine especially would fight tooth and nail for it to never happen. 

⏤ “I think it’s what’s best for us. I came to terms with the fact that there really was no point of return for the two of us after everything that had happened. He deserves to have his own freedom and happiness as well and I can’t get in the middle of that with hopes and dreams that will never actually come into fruition. Actually, nowadays he’s been keeping company with a woman and it seems that once everything receives the stamp of approval he’ll go steady with her, in a more official manner. So… I’m glad.” I was speechless… They looked happy when I saw them but… I guess looks truly can be deceiving. “What is it? Cat got your tongue?” She asked in a more humorous way as I was not moving, let alone even speaking. 

⏤ “Well, I’m shocked.” I immediately told the truth. “I’m, particularly, sure you’re not aware of this but… The last time I saw you was actually at the Chalet Suisse . You were with Novak.” I figured that this was an ample opportunity and time to confess to her what I had seen. 

⏤ “When?” She frowned.

⏤ “Last fall” I stated, almost immediately recalling that sad afternoon quite vividly in my mind. 

⏤ “ I… I don’t remember… Even so… I don’t remember seeing you nonetheless.” She looked quite puzzled as she looked down at the floor, her eyes moving side to side, like she was looking through an imaginatory catalog of calendar dates to recall any sort of knowledge of that day. In any case, I was particularly glad she hadn’t seen me then as it had been a fleeting worry that I had. 

⏤  “ Well, of course not, I was a ways away from you and I left fairly shortly after that. Regardless, you two seemed, granted it was only the visuals I was going off of, very close and on good terms. That’s why this news somewhat surprised me… The seeming dedication you two consistently had to make things work… “ I tried to not sound too intrusive to the matter as it was not my place to hound after any other details from her but that day and what I had seen had indeed made me fall into a terrible spell of deep despair and hit rock bottom, so I was… Curious to say the least. 

⏤  “ Ah, we always got along though… We still do, whether we’re alone or out. It was more a matter of happiness in the long run for the both of us and if you’re saying that you saw us in the fall… We actually made the decision not too long after that. “ She explained, clearly implying that whatever I had seen didn’t have the meaning that I thought it had. 

⏤  “Right.” I felt entirely abashed. I had made quick, baseless conclusions just from visuals alone that night which in turn completely destroyed me emotionally. Meanwhile, as it turns out… I had been completely and utterly mistaken about everything. How silly of me . 

⏤  “Anyhow, now you know, but that’s not the reason I came to see you and why I'm here right now.” Oh gosh… Just breathe Helen . “I needed to tell you that I am sorry, deeply, deeply sorry…” Focus Helen. “I know the way I behaved was terrible… And I was so cruel to you… You didn’t deserve any of that Helen. You had been nothing but kind, generous, and warm to me and I in return was vile and rotten.” You can get through this Helen . “ I was too weak to confront what had happened, the part I had played in everything and instead of trying to understand what was really happening, I let the unease over not understanding in the first place come over me and I closed myself off from the world… And even more so from you.” I knew this talking point at hand right now about the past was bound to come to light at this impromptu meeting with Christine at some point, and, in spite of everything, I had surely moved on from any troublesome feelings about all that had happened but it still was a bit harrowing to sit and listen to Christine impart all this to me. It seemed to me that her words were sincere and, while I knew I had been advised to not hide my feelings, I was internally fighting myself to not tear up at this moment in time. There was an essence of genuineness coming from her and I now, as convoluted as things had been then, understood where she had been coming from and the struggles she herself, had dealt with. 

⏤ “I understand… And I accept your apology. In truth, I’m not mad nor do I hold a grudge against you in any way. On my part, I also hadn’t been doing too well and in a grand bout of weakness I latched myself onto you. It took a while to realize how much pressure that probably was for you and it’s something I should have never done. So, I'm similarly sorry about all of that transpiring whatsoever.” I expressed the bona fide truth, shocking even myself from all the times I would shy away or run from telling the truth over worries of the unknown. But the genuine truth was needed… And I had wanted to say that, to tell Christine that face to face for so long. I had gone through a lot of work on myself and I could distinguish now how much I had also done wrong in our companionship and how nonsensical I had reacted to certain things. I didn’t possess the coping skills that I have now, nor did I possess the knowledge and awareness to identify any of the unhealthy behaviors I was engaging in then to put a stop to them. But I do now… And I am never going to let something like that ever happen again with anyone else. 

⏤ “I’m so glad you understand where I’m coming from… It means so much to me, you haven’t the slightest clue how much it does. All of this has been plaguing my mind ever since I really took a hold of myself and examined what I had done. The way I acted… It was unacceptable. I’ve had so many regrets over so many of our interactions since…” Christine was grabbing her hands tightly, and I could sense the tension in her voice. I had the impression that she, perhaps, was inwardly trying to hold back her sadness. 

⏤ “ You don’t need to keep punishing yourself for it Christine… It’s all in the past now. It’s alright… It truly is. I had already forgiven you before you even came here today. When I was back in England in the program, I had a lot of time to think and reflect about my life and everything that had taken place up to the moment of being there. I had to face the harsh truth whether I liked it or not. We’re humans… We’re flawed. I’ve been petty, bitter, disrespectful, and have just had overall abhorrent attitudes in the name sake of wanting to be loved. I’d like to think I’ve changed all of that… Only time will truly tell I suppose. Nonetheless, if I can change, then I think everyone is entitled to their own sort of redemption as well… No matter what.” I assured her, being more open and candid with her. 

⏤ “I hope I have changed as well.” Christine’s eyes told a heartbroken story, she didn’t seem to be at peace at all. Ever since she got here, I couldn’t see anything more than a deeply disturbed and hurting person, no matter how much she tried to convey that she was okay. 

⏤ “That’s only something that you would know… If you have, I’m glad…. And if you haven’t, there’s still time. As long as the world keeps on spinning there will always be time…” I tried to share some words of hope with her. No matter what had transpired between us, it was, in truth, hard to see her like this.

⏤ “D-Do you think we could be friends again someday?” The way her eyes gazed at me, her voice sounding so timid… So hopeful, formed a knot in my throat.

“Right now… Well, I don’t know about that… But perhaps in the future.” My voice was trembling, my heart was beating extremely fast, and my mind was running wild over that question. Part of me wished for it to be different, but both my physiological and psychological reactions were incredibly telling in that I couldn’t be friends with her right now, not if I wanted to stay on my path of healing. 

⏤  “I respect that.” I saw her lip lightly quiver, though it appeared that she was trying to keep a straight face as well. The uncomfortable feeling in my throat became more and more unbearable as time passed by. Suddenly, Christine stood up. “I… Think it's my time to go.”

⏤ “Already?” I questioned, brows up as I stood up as well. 

⏤  “I’m afraid so.” She approached me, extending her hand to me to shake it. I hesitated for a second until I finally reciprocated her gesture and shook her hand. “I wish you the best Helen, I really, really do. I hope we can see each other again one day.”

⏤ “I hope for the same as well.” There was a bittersweet smile on her face and her eyes were a bit red in appearance… It was clear to me that the both of us were both holding onto some tears, trying hard not to let them fall. 

Christine let go of my hand and like a deadweight, it dropped to my side. In the same movement she grabbed her belongings and made her way towards the door while I hadn’t even the wherewithal to move or assist her on her way out. Neither of us were seemingly brave enough to say goodbye. Perhaps that was the hopefulness in us both… That by not bidding a concrete farewell, things could change one day. I stiffened my stance as I focused on controlling my breathing and  using all the strength in my body at this moment to not buckle and crumble from all the pressure as I waited for her to exit the room. When I finally heard the distinct ‘click’ from the door closing, my legs completely gave out, causing me to drop down to the ground and fall on my knees. My hands went to my face and,  almost as if they were on a timer, a heavy reign of tears started to flow from my eyes uncontrollably. I didn’t fight it, I couldn’t hold them back anymore, I couldn’t hold any of it back anymore. I wept inconsolably into my hands, the emotions I had been holding back for those few minutes hit me like a ton of bricks and broke me down in a way I didn’t think was even possible. My love for her was still there, still in existence hidden deep in my heart. Not only that, it was fiercely alive there… Fiercely alert and active for those blue eyes, that precious face, and her mere presence. After being away for so long, I hadn’t thought that she would still make me feel the way that she did before… But she did… I still yearned for her… I still needed her so terribly. It was like none of the feelings I had for her before ever left… Like I  had never left and nothing bad had ever happened between us. My mind… My heart… My entire being felt completely overwhelmed. I couldn’t braveface it as I had been anymore… Yes I had forgiven her, but I hadn’t forgotten her and everything she meant to me. In everything I had achieved and conquered throughout my time away and back… I wondered if I would ever be able to conquer this quest of ridding seemingly unerasable feelings and finally put it all to rest. 

I continued sobbing, my chest still full of so much sorrow, as I picked myself up from the ground and sat on the sofa behind me. I buried my face into my hands once again, lamenting over many of the same grievances I had before. A lost love… An unrequited and doomed love from the beginning, I hadn’t been a stranger to the idea and happening of it at all, yet I still pained from all the feelings it had brought along once again. I still pained over us… Over how much we suffered… Over how we still needed that unconditional love.

Suddenly I felt a warm hand was grabbing one of my palms, so abruptly, partially uncovering my face. When I put my other hand down and looked to see who it was, I saw Christine kneeling in front of me, eyes reddened and full with tears just like me. 

⏤ “Christine…” I muttered in disbelief, not expecting at all that she would return. I was ashamed of how pitiful I probably looked right now, but I couldn’t help it, not whatsoever. 

⏤ “Helen… I tried to be brave… I really did… But I just can’t hold it back anymore.” She spoke with desperation, her voice seemingly struggling to fully utter the words she wanted to use to explain herself. She then grabbed my hand and held it between both of hers. “I didn’t only divorce Novak because we decided that was the best course for both of us… I ultimately divorced him because I made up my mind… Because I realized that it wasn’t him I loved… Not anymore… Because… I love… you. Could it be… Please let it be that you still feel the same way about me as before?” 

⏤ “What?” I frowned in shock and confusion, not registering any of her words at all.

⏤  “My dearest… You don’t know how long I’ve been waiting for you… To talk to you once more. Only up until recently I had been coming to this house, asking for you over and over again. Every single time I came I left defeated… No one would tell me where you were, how you were… Nothing, just that you had left. The moment that I heard that you had left I knew I had made a mistake… A grave one. 

I knew I didn’t deserve to know anything but I couldn’t manage not to try time and time again. I was filled with so much regret for lying to not only myself but you as well… I was filled with so much guilt for how I treated you. The continuous loss got the better of me after a bit and that's why I had recently stopped, figuring that maybe you would never come back. But something pushed me to come today, to just try one last time.” Christine, like a penitent to a priest, was confessing everything to me, disclosing every feeling, nearly imploring for me to take pity on her while tears streamed down her face. 

⏤  “But I saw you two… I saw your face as you looked at him… I thought that you still loved him.” I said, remembering how much seeing her, seemingly in love and happy, with him had impacted me. 

⏤  “Wait… You were gone from this house by the time I had decided to divorce Novak and come to try and see you… Which wasn’t too long before you said you had seen me… Is… Is that why you left?” It seemed to not have dawned on her from when we were talking before that was actually what had prompted me to leave. 

⏤  “I… I heavily intoxicated myself that night and…I had to leave for my own sake… Before I could impose anymore harm onto myself. I wasn’t doing okay and I was just about pushed into getting help.” I confessed to her my true and honest reasoning for leaving. 

⏤  “Darling… I never went back to him… I in fact remember that night now and we were actually just having an amical conversation then. Any sort of in love feelings with him were far gone by then and I asked him for the divorce perhaps a week or two after that.” She staunchly expressed through trembles and tears, still holding my hand between hers, evermore so tightly now.

⏤ “How can I be sure that’s the way you actually feel? That you don't love him anymore… That you feel the way you do about me? How do I know that you’re not going to run away… Again?” Those were the first thoughts running through my mind as I heard Christine explaining herself to me and it worried me oh so much. At night, she always seemed to be ready to love… But by the next morning, she always disappeared. 

⏤  “I won’t, I promise. I know that it took me much too long to say that I love you back…” She had heard me? “That night, I pretended to be asleep but I did, in fact, hear you say those words. Back then, they frightened me and I was so afraid that I didn’t know what to do but run and take refuge. But I wasn't scared of the matter of you loving me or even hearing you say those words… But the fact that I felt the same way about you then… I just wasn’t able to admit it or even deal with it.” I looked down as Christine grabbed my other hand to pull into the embrace she was maintaining with the other. I was heavily crying once more, not believing what was happening at this very moment whatsoever. “Can I hug you?” The way she muttered those words evoked so much anguish… So much desperation. 

I nodded in affirmation, I knew I too needed such a thing now more than ever.  

⏤ “Yes” My voice sounded so small.

Soon she sat next to me, tightly wrapping her arms around me which prompted me to hold onto her in return. 

⏤  “Helen… My darling… I’ve missed you so much… I’ve missed you so, so terribly” She cried out as she caressed my hair and held me like a precious, delicate flower. 

⏤ “I…” In that moment I started to second guess what I was about to say yet then I remembered the words that Dr. Atkins had said to me, so instead I reassured myself that it was okay to just go ahead and say what I was feeling, that I didn’t have to be afraid anymore. “I missed you too.” I said as I exhaled and closed my eyes tightly. 

⏤  “You did?” Christine asked, sounding almost amazed at what I had just disclosed. Her lips were close to my ear, allowing me to feel every breath she was taking and sending a slight shiver down my spine. She then ended our hug, pulling herself back enough to see my face. 

⏤  “Yes.” It felt good to have told her that, to not hide away from feelings with her and tell her straight to her face that I still adored her… That not having her near me had too been an arduous challenge to endure.

⏤  “You don’t know how terribly sorry I am… For everything.” She raised both of her hands and placed her palms on my cheeks, delicately caressing them as she held my face with the utmost care in the world. “I know I said it before but I truly have waited so long for this moment…To be given the opportunity to tell you exactly what you mean to me… I’m so glad it finally happened. I know the way I had behaved then versus now has been such a confusing matter… But trust me when I say I really didn’t know what to do back then. I was in a constant battle with myself, for at times I was significantly intimidated by the way I felt for you and in those moments I wanted to hold myself back… But I just couldn’t stop myself from reaching out for you each and every time. But then soon after that would happen my thoughts would consume me once again… Thoughts about you, my feelings, and what we had done, they would all swarm my mind like a cluster of wasps. Yet those wasps, they also stung, with societal ideals that those thoughts were abberent… Unnatural… Indecent. The last time we were together I…I got scared beyond belief and instead of combating those thoughts back and forth like I had been I chose to just step back and ignore them.” 

⏤ “You did? Because, in my darkest times, I have to admit, I thought you only wanted to physically satisfy yourself with me… And that was all”

⏤ “No… I could never… Helen I would never use you in such a way…”  She vehemently denied. 

⏤ “I know… My mind was trying to find its own answers at the time… I had terrible thoughts”

⏤ “I know it doesn’t seem like it, but it was never, ever my intention to make you feel pain or have you suffer because of me… I swear on my life it wasn’t.” 

⏤ “ I believe you.” Now hearing all that she had to say… The genuinity in her words… In the way that she spoke to me… I believed her, I believed that she never wanted to hurt me… That she was in turn just herself hurting. 

⏤ “Oh Helen…” She wrapped her arms around me once again, bringing me closer to her to share another hug.This time, it was a prolonged hug and I felt myself getting calmer by the minutes, as everything started to settle within both my mind and heart. Yet still, it didn’t seem real, all that is happening right now. “I spent nights wondering where you were, what were you doing and I just hoped and wished with all the strength in my heart that you were doing okay. I was so worried, each and every day. Not only that but I too felt like I was carrying an enormous weight within me, knowing that I never told you all of this before you left… And knowing that I may never get the chance to.” But it is real, by God everything is real right now.

⏤ “How did you make sense of it all? How did you come to a head that it was me and not Novak that you had deeper sentiments to?”
⏤  “ Well… I took a deep and long look at myself and everything. To be fair our relationship, Novak and I’s, never went back to what it was after that night of his debut. I tried, very hard, to convince myself that I could win him back over and we could be happy but after a while I realized that the spark was truly gone. There was nothing good left between us… No trust, no clear or effective communication… Nothing. I had given him a great deal of pain and he was suffering from it greatly no matter how much time had passed. As I knew before it became almost certain that I didn’t deserve him and I wanted him to have a new life… Though that was never going to be next to me ever again but someone else instead. I know now that, while I knew all of this, I was still avoiding all of this for a good amount of time. Our relationship ended the night of the debut, it really did… I was just too selfish and continued to impose he be married to me even though it was already over. Then, when you showed up in my life, ordinary things just became profoundly joyful. I realized at a certain point that I wanted to spend more and more time with you and he, and trying to keep our marriage together, started to fade away from my everyday concerns. Honestly… I knew, throughout the whole time that I had to leave him, I was just avoiding it nonstop. But then when our friendship became more intense … In that I was faced with both issues: leaving him and what us meant. Well I figured out what us meant to me eventually and I knew I couldn’t let it go… and I knew I had to let him go.”

⏤  “Oh gosh, I understand better now why you were disturbed by all of it then… It was just too much all at once.”
⏤  “Exactly. It took me months too, to figure everything out and finally make a decision. It definitely was not like I suddenly understood how I felt, nor did I suddenly come to the realization that I had to let him go. It wasn’t easy either, but I thought of his happiness and I wanted him… To be free, as well as me. Then I came to the conclusion that I wasn’t gonna lie to myself anymore, that I couldn't escape the way I felt with you when we were together. Because you had given me the happiness and laughter I hadn’t had in years, you made me feel like a young, smitten girl again. Things I forgot had existed, that feeling of increasing anticipation, that tingling sensation when I’m delicately touched… I thought I would never feel those ever again… But with you… I did.”

⏤ “Christine…” I whispered, feeling my cheeks burning. 

⏤  “ I know I asked you if we could be friends once more but… That’s not what I truly want, not when I still the way that I do about you… Do you feel the same way?” Her hopeful, wide eyed expression moved me deeply which made everything even that much harder to discern and decide. 

⏤  “Well, As I said before I can’t see myself yet, not forever by any means, being your friend right now… However, well I…” I started expressing my inner thoughts. 

⏤  “Yes?” Her doe eyes and childlike illusion, an appearing anxiousness to hear a yes, made me hesitate greatly. 

⏤  “I believe I need, somewhat more, time to think about everything. When it just regarded friendship it was a lot for me to take in and this conversation… It only compounded that even further. I haven’t fully processed what happened just now…I just need time.” I finally voiced my concerns and needs. 

⏤  “I…” It was evident Christine was trying to hide her disappointment from what I had just disclosed…  “I understand you completely. I’m sorry for jumping the gun like that.”

⏤ “You don’t have to apologize Christine… I just need some space.” I assured her.

⏤ “Alright…” She nodded slowly, as it seemed that she was also trying to get a grip of what just happened. “I think I’ll go now”

⏤ “Alright” She stood up, as did I, and it felt so strange to say goodbye to her once again, this time with a different and deeper understanding of each other. I walked her to the door of the room but before leaving, she stopped herself and turned to me.

⏤  “On Sunday, I’m going to cook rouladen for dinner at my apartment. Please come, at the usual time we had dinner many times before… I’ll be… Waiting for you. Goodbye Helen.” But before I could say anything back, she left, leaving me stunned and weak in my knees. 

 

***

 

⏤ “Miss. Wright… Is everything alright? I didn’t dare to ask before but, are you perhaps… Mad at me?” Mrs. Gremwell asked me, the day after Christine showed up.

⏤ “I’m not angry at you at all Mrs. Gremwell, why would I be?”

⏤ “ Well, because I went ahead and let Ms. Radcliffe in and lied to you… Saying it was Ms. Fanny Hemsworth” The woman was standing, hands holding each other in front of her, showing herself even smaller than she actually was. 

⏤ “Oh no, that’s quite alright! You don't have anything to worry about, truly.” She has stood by me for so long and cared for me more than just an employer to employee that even in this matter I could never take anything out on her. 

⏤  “Right, well I didn’t want to create any issues whatsoever, but that lady had been coming around week after week after week every since you left, asking every time to see you over and over again. This time… I made sure to understand to the extent I could in why she wanted to see you and I went ahead and helped her. Did I go too far by doing so?” Her eyes showed complete and desperate concern and I felt an immediate tenderness in my heart from seeing her so afflicted by such a thing. 

⏤  “No, no of course not. I completely understand why you did it. But actually, could you enlighten me with some information… What would she say or do every time she came in, obviously aside from yesterday?” I questioned her as I was genuinely curious about what had happened all these months that I was gone and I hadn’t necessarily had the gall yesterday to ask Christine personally about any of these visits she had made. 

⏤  “Ah, well every time she did come by she looked awfully perturbed… Like there was something she wanted to say so desperately to you, I could feel it. She would beg me to tell her where you were Miss and when you would be coming back but handing out any sort of information on you to anyone was forbidden by Mr. Wright and I followed his words. But no matter what, even after I told her time and time again that I couldn’t disclose anything to her… She still came back, no matter if it was raining, cold, in weather no one should be trekking in whatsoever… She even came by on Christmas day, Ms. Wright.”
⏤ “Christmas?” I asked as I immediately felt a sudden emotional slap to my face. 

⏤  “Yes… I know it sounds bad but I really pitied her then. She seemed all alone… Like she didn’t have anyone to spend it with because she came here and asked to see you Miss… At midnight, of all hours.”

⏤ “She did?” I questioned, in disbelief.

⏤ “Yes, she did. Many times it seemed that she didn’t believe that you were actually gone from the residence, but that you were perhaps instead hiding Miss. Sometimes, especially when the weather was poor, I would let her in to have a cup of tea with me. Though she never once in those times never told me that you two had a quarrel, just that she really needed to talk to you. Only up until this time when I said that you were back home did she tell me… But she didn’t tell me any more information relating to it. Though I suppose it probably meant a great deal to her for her to be so adamant in talking to you for all these months.”

⏤  “Thank you for sharing this with me… And truly Mrs. Gremwell, everything is okay, you haven’t a thing to worry about, alright?” I reassured her before she left the room. 

It was so heartbreaking for me to hear that after all, Christine really had suffered from our feelings and love as much as I did. I immediately felt so guilty for leaving her in the shadows for so long… Though I could have never truly guessed the way that she had actually felt. However, that conversation with Mrs. Gremwell gave me an even deeper understanding of everything as well as the strength to show up at Christine’s doorstep on Sunday night. 

In those five days before Sunday, I had my time to think even more. Like a record that got stuck on one particular song, our conversation played in my mind over and over again. Her desperate cries… Her face filled with sadness and covered with tears had moved me so deeply that I, in turn, couldn’t stop myself from crying too every time I thought about how she looked that night. At the time, I never did take a moment to analyze how she was affected by everything that had happened between us, nor had I even thought of the general aftermath of me leaving for a year. Though now, the realization of it all has hit me like a ton of bricks and it was tough to endure. 

In contrast to the world I was living in before I left, now I was living in a world where Christine had actual, genuine feelings for me… Where she appreciated and loved every single aspect about me. I was and still am, a flawed person. I have gone through a great deal in my years on this earth and I know that’s not something everyone wants to surround themselves with… A problem filled person. Though, after really taking a good look at things, recognizing that about myself as well as why she felt the way she does about me finally made sense. After all, she too had an arduous life and we can understand each other to a higher degree. We had met and saw each other through the lowest points in our lives and that didn’t scare us. In a personal point of view on things, that low point was the reason why I even dared myself to talk to her that night at the bar to begin with. Throughout all of that the only time we had both gotten scared was when we had both come to understand that we found in each other what we had been longing for so long… Love. Now that fear is, ostensibly, gone within us both and it is up to us and us only to decide how to proceed with all of this. 

 

***

 

⏤ “You came!” Her face brightened up when she opened the door and found me, ready to have dinner with her at the usual time . She was donning a smile that was filled with pure happiness… And a smidgen of relief. “Please, come in, come in, make yourself comfortable.” 

⏤  “Mmh, it smells delicious in here.” I commented as the heavenly scent of her homemade meal caused me to forget everything and anything else I was going to say. 

⏤  “Does it? I can’t wait for you to try it.” Christine seemed to be on her toes tonight, a bit nervous, yet her excitement still came through. She had prepared the table carefully, as if she wanted it to look like one of those fifth avenue restaurants we used to frequent. 

Still by the door, I took my coat off and left my purse on a table near the rack. I made my way over to the table and sat down as she, at the same time, was walking over to the table with a big tray that held our steaming meals. W

⏤  “I don’t know if I sound silly by saying this but… I have always wanted to cook for you. I don't know why I hadn’t before…” Seeing her right now, exuding some shyness and timidity was especially new to me. 

⏤  “No… Not silly at all…” I said as I realized I had forgotten about my gloves. I took my gloves off and placed them to the side while maintaining my gaze on Christine, watching how she presented the plate in front of me. 

⏤  “I hope you enjoy it.” The shyness was now met with some nervousness, adding to the overall awkwardness present in the apartment that was born the minute I walked in. Though, in general introspect, the awkwardness was not underlined by any feelings of uncomfortableness, at least on my part. Rather it was underlined with the need to get used to being together again… Breathing in the same room and sharing moments together. Time had passed and so had the conflicts, now it was onto creating time together without any issues or ill feelings weighing on us. 

⏤ “It’s delicious.” I murmured after having the first bite.

⏤  “Thank you.” A slight, proud grin appeared to be trying to creep in on her lips. “You know, I was afraid that you weren’t going to show up tonight.” She confessed.

⏤  “Why is that?” I generally understood where that concern was coming from, as I had relatively been in her shoes before, but I wanted to hear the reasoning from her instead of just going on with my own discernment. 

⏤  “Oh I don’t know… A lot happened and… I prefer to think that things won’t go my way, so I don’t get disappointed so easily and upset when they don’t.”

⏤  “I know how you feel, because only till recently had I always thought that way too. It’s hard to let go of that pessimistic outlook… To let go of that barrier to pain.” I sensed now how my fingers were quite clumsy while eating, not holding the fork and knife with that much strength or stability. That awkwardness was still very much there and I was unable to completely relax, especially now that she was right across from me. I realized I was still, after all this time, a bundle of nerves because of her presence. After all, she was the most gorgeous woman in my eyes… That hadn’t changed one bit for me. 

⏤  “Yes… I’ve thought about that a bit, about making the true effort to let that kind of thinking go. Actually… Along these months I also thought about things you had told me before… I thought about them a lot.” Her words immediately sparked my interest.

⏤ “Like what?”

⏤  “Well, I specifically remember that night you came to my apartment. You were so sure about us … You told me that enough was enough and that we had to give up putting others first, that we had ignored our own feelings in our lives for far too long and we had to put ourselves first. I didn’t want to admit it then, but you were right… You were oh so right. I know now that I always tried to live up to other people’s expectations and never my own. I did that for Alex… For Karel… I tried to be what they wanted me to be. But that led to nowhere but complete unhappiness and being cornered by my own mistakes. I never lived my life for me.” The fact that she had finally come to the same conclusions as me relieved me in a way.

⏤ “Yes, I did that same exact thing my whole life, be someone who I truly wasn’t… Not only for the most intimate of my relationships, with my husbands, but also for the people I was surrounded by. Because of the position I was in socially, I had to put up an image constantly, which eventually broke me down completely. It especially became hard when what they wanted me to be, clashed directly with who I wanted to be with.” For a moment I got lost in my reflective state, forgetting that I wasn’t in a therapeutic session right now… But still, Christine was hearing me and my feelings out. 

⏤  “Do you think it was worth it? Letting it all go?” She asked something I didn’t expect to hear from her. I looked at her, straight in the eyes and replied with absolutely no doubts:

⏤  “Of course it was.” There was some silence while Christine kept up with the intense gaze I started. Suddenly, after a bit she seemed ready to say something else… But it just so happened that my curiosity was a bit bigger than her voice.

⏤  “Helen-…” 

⏤  “Is it true that you came to my house on Christmas Eve… Well Christmas day I suppose given the hour? Mrs. Gremwell told me all about it.” I questioned in urgency.

⏤  “Y-yes I did… I’m sorry. I was in a really, really dark mindset then and I felt all alone. I was lost. It was very scary not knowing what happened to you, where you were, and what would happen once… If you came back. I wanted… I needed to cling onto something and coming to your house every week kept me… Hopeful for something.” She was being genuine once again, I could hear and feel it in her voice. 

⏤  “You don’t have to be ashamed… I just wanted to know why. I am sorry for not saying anything about my trip to you but… After that time had passed I couldn’t even bring myself to see you, let alone speak to you. I was truly in shambles and I didn’t want anyone to know anything about how I was doing or where I was going. I just felt like… Disappearing.” I reassured her. 

⏤  “Of course, I know and understand that now. I know I told you this the other day but… I really can’t express how happy I am for your recovery. I can see immediately that you have changed… You’re a different woman Helen and it is evident that is for the better. You look healthy and you sound like you’re finally at peace and that’s everything I’ve ever wished for you.” I felt my skin fill with goosebumps as I saw her getting emotional.

⏤  “Chris…” I squeezed her hand the moment I saw that she was beginning to tear up and gave her a reassuring smile, something that allowed us to both find and regain our composure to enjoy the rest of the meal. Thankfully we continued on with a more mundane and serene conversation. 

Soon I was helping her clean up the table. I brought the dishes over to the sink as I talked about my trip back, how lovely the weather was, and a funny anecdote about something that had happened on the ship. Though there was something missing from all of the conversations we were having up until now… Something I hadn’t noticed until Christine brought it up. 

She opened up the tap water as I handed the remaining dishes off to her and I stood next to her with my back facing the kitchen counter trying to think of what else I could tell her about. 

⏤  “Helen…” 

⏤  “Yes?” I met her eyes after hearing her sudden call for me and I automatically knew something was up.

⏤  “So… It’s a no, right?” I could see the immediate sadness in her eyes, as though it had just dawned on her that the question she had asked a few days was still unanswered… And that my lack of response or even recognition to the question tonight was definitely signifying a refusal to her plea. “I’ve been waiting… And I know perhaps it’s too much and too demanding for me to ask you for an answer already but… The lack of knowing is just killing me day in and day out.”

⏤  “Well… I needed these past couple of days to think. I really needed to put an order to all my thoughts after our last conversation… It was overwhelming.” I explained my reasoning for needing time to even give her a response in the first place. 

⏤ “I understand that completely.” Her voice sounded so small now… So weak. She broke our gaze to close the tap water and I heard her quietly sigh. 

The previous uncomfortableness I felt before came back as tension was filling the air around us. Christine had completely shut down as she kept her eyesight on the dishes in the sink with a glassy stare, lacking any sort of sentiment at all. I didn’t… I couldn’t let her endure any more pain or anxiety because of me. So, even though I was already pretty close to her, I shifted even closer to her… Very slowly. I grabbed her hand that stayed laying on that cold surface and she suddenly looked up, seemingly surprised by my increased closeness, as if she hadn’t even noticed that I had been approaching her in the first place. 

I gazed at her, right in her beautiful eyes. There was an evident amount of pain in those eyes… As well as longing… Deep and desperate longing. They had once been the light of my life, those eyes, and having them on me once again felt incredibly right. She turned, now facing me and my sight went immediately to her lips. Like an invisible magnet was placed on the both of us I finally laid my lips on hers. There… That was her answer. 

Though the apartment was silent, it was as if an orchestra had started playing in my head and the violins had just erupted in an expressive and emotional tune. There was no more indecision… Nothing could take us apart. Akin to a romantic Italian opera, the resolution to our difficulties was not going to result in a sorrowful tragedy… No, the curtain had just finally dropped on another happy ending story and I was the chevalier who got her damsel. 

Christine’s delayed response to my kiss showed me just how much she was not expecting such a thing. Though when it finally hit her, what this kiss meant for the both of us, she held onto me like her life as she knew it depended on it. I replicated that sentiment and wrapped my arms around her… Feeling her warm body against me as our lips became familiar with one another after such a long time. We maintained our sweet connection until neither of us could catch our breath. 

⏤ “Helen…” Her voice calling for me has always been something that makes my heart race. Her forehead laid on mine, as she closed her eyes, her hands now on the side of my face. “Is this a yes?” She questioned once more, ostensibly wanting to be completely reassured, as her voice faded at the end of her inquiry.

⏤ “Yes” I answered, eyes closed, feeling a tear fall on my cheek. “Please promise me that tomorrow, when the sun rises, you won’t disappear again.”

⏤ “I won’t, I’m not running away anymore… Not ever” She swore as her nose bumped mine. 

⏤ “You haven’t an idea how glad I am to hear those words” I whispered as I became overwhelmed by her sweet aroma that I had missed so dearly. 

⏤ “Darling…” She emoted those words with such care, with so much love. “How good it is to call you darling once more”

She kissed me once again, starting off slow, as our lips brushed ever so gently, as if we were both savoring this moment… As if it was our first kiss. I felt myself going into a trance as her presence took me to another dimension, where heaven was real, where there was no pain and all I ever needed was this, her kiss to heal everything in my soul. 

I felt my skin getting chills, as nothing compared to this, as I felt her warmth all over me. The closeness we were sharing now had me completely blind with love and adoration and I couldn't get away from it even if I tried… Though in every sense of myself, I didn’t want to, ever again. I could feel Christine’s breathing getting more elaborated and intense as she held to my shirt’s collar even more tightly. Suddenly she left my lips, heaving. 

⏤ “I want to stop myself  but I can’t… Please Helen”

⏤ “Yes?” I asked, eyes lost in hers, in a complete and absolute daze.

⏤ “Take me to bed, please” Her breathing was hot against my lips, as her voice sounded as deep as ever and her eyes seemingly wanting to devour me.

You can’t stop the rain from pouring down, you can’t stop the sun from coming out every morning, you can’t stop the wind from blowing, and you most certainly can’t stop a heart from loving another. What was even the point in stopping ourselves? To not do what we wanted? For what purpose… Who would benefit from it? I knew what I wanted and what she wanted. There was no point in wasting any more time on reflecting… On being hesitant anymore.

I was there now, in her bed, touching silk and her unclothed skin. I traced every part of her with my fingertips, inch by inch. I had come back to a place I had been missing so much. I couldn’t even lie at this moment… This was something I had yearned for so long. This peaceful intimacy was something I had never thought was going to happen… Not in a million years. But here I was and here she was with a light dim in her bedroom… Laying under me. This time, unlike the other times, I could see all of her and I felt like I was about to lose all of my sanity. 

Sometimes, back in those late winter lonely nights at the farm at the program, I would think of her, and she would visit me as if she were a ghost haunting me; It brought into my mind memories of us being together, of us being intimate, and that’s when all of the sudden I would feel warm again after having been so cold moments before. It made me feel guilty, it made me feel I was not in my right mind but… I could not help it. The desire was greater than any sort of logic.

I kissed her neck, her neckline… Going slowly towards her peaks, worshipping her godly body. And she was evidently delighted by it, as her fingers ran through my waves, softly caressing my hair yet with a smidgen of possessiveness that invited me to keep going. I continue under her chest, following that narrow path down where her abdomen followed its natural shape, meeting her bellybutton. 

Her scent was divine and it felt like I had fallen in a garden in full spring… My senses were overloaded with the sweetness and exquisiteness of her. As I got closer to her pelvis, I felt her tremble more and more with each kiss I laid on her. I stopped myself for a moment to look her in the eye as I got awfully close to where she evidently needed to be taken care of the most. Christine's chest was going up and down in anticipation, clearly anxious. 

⏤ “Helen…” It sounded like a cry for me to stop wasting any more time. 

My red manicured hands crept up her thighs like spider legs and parted her slender legs as I needed more space to finally kiss her in a different way . I could not explain it but she seemed to become even more shy than before, like a virgin that had never been touched and it seemed that she had never been satisfied like this before. She began to writhe, yelping in surprise with her legs trembling… It was evident she couldn’t keep them, or herself really, steady whatsoever. 

⏤ “My…” She sighed, and her voice hitched, as my tongue moved against her. I looked up slightly and saw that her forearm was placed up across her eyes, as if she was sincerely abashed at this very moment. Yet her free hand was grabbing the sheets hard and it was clear that she was thoroughly enjoying it all. 

I couldn’t believe how pleasurable it was for me to make her feel this way, having her under me like this and making her lose all and complete control, to the point where she had become a different woman. Even her moans sounded timid now. Though that was just the beginning as the excitement was starting to build up more and more and it seemed that her shyness was leaving altogether and being replaced by complete pleasure. 

We had now entered a trance in which we became one as I went deeper, finding what really worked her up, learning little by little, as if I was reading a book, what moves to make and at what speed. As her sounds of pleasure increased, I repeated, again and again, building up that sweet release. It was like I had found a forbidden fruit in the garden, and I couldn’t stop eating it. I craved her with such eagerness, I devoured her as if I were famished.

Her warm skin, her scent, her darling voice that exuded nothing but eroticism made me lose all my sanity and I only wanted her to feel ecstasy. I was making her my woman, and I was going to have and possess her as if it were the last thing I could do on this earth. 

Like a tsunami, the pleasure hit her body with great intensity, making her explode under me. Her vocal display had me desperate for her, as my nails dug deeper into her soft thighs, until she could not moan any longer. I incorporated myself, and I watched her gasp for air. Her eyes met mine and it didn’t matter if she was barely able to breath normally as she pulled herself up, sat back and brought me in for a desperate kiss. Her hands landed on the sides of my face, as her tongue met mine, urgent enough. Her breathing was still erratic as she was tasting herself in me and I brought her naked body closer to me.

⏤ “Darling…” She muttered during a brief few seconds where she had left my lips only to immediately get back to them. “... I missed you so…” I felt my blood coursing through my body as I heard her sensual tone, crying for me.  “Baby…” She kissed me so erratically, so roughly, so intensely that I felt myself getting more and more aroused.

⏤ “I missed you too…” I muttered as I touched her intimately, vulgarly… As if I meant to express through my hands what I truly and fully meant. She grunted in approval of my brusque and possessive stroke. 

⏤ “I’ll make you feel good” She whispered in a low tone that made my skin fill with goosebumps once more, her hands now laying me down in the same way I had laid her down before. I let her move me as she wanted, her hands grabbing my thighs and opening my legs. Unlike I had done before, she sat on top of me, her muscles flexing enough as she positioned herself. Soon I felt the dampness of her femininity meet mine and slowly but surely she started to rock her pelvis against my own. Little by little she tried to find the right angle to make us sigh, as her hips worked in a way I hadn’t ever seen, or felt, before. 

Her opulent and voluptuous breasts were giving me an intimate spectacle and I couldn't stop looking at them. It was as if there were two big diamonds to gawk at right in front of me and I was completely entranced by their beauty and shine. It was all so stimulating, the way our intimate places touched and the visuals I had of her body showing me complete sensuality. Her bosom moved at the same time as her abdomen flexed, following the grind of her soft hips and I was in complete awe. 

My hands that had been on her tiny waist were now traveling to her chest, wanting to touch her in a way I had coveted for so long. She sighed, still riding me as she put her hands on top of mine and helped me to squeeze them even tighter; just like she had done in the past. I whined and cried out when she hit the right spot with her mesmerizing moves.

My grip became even more rough as she picked up her pace, her pelvis moving even faster than before and I couldn’t stop myself from moaning out loud as she was fully satisfying me. I felt an increasing heat as our sweaty bodies met in a way they hadn’t before.

Out of natural instinct, my hands went back to her hips in an effort to help her  move even more abruptly and roughly against me as I felt I was about to burst at any moment. Fuck , I said under my breath as I watched her lean her head back and her breasts jiggle obscenely on top of me. I felt myself tensing as my body finally hit an intense orgasm I had been so desperately needing for so long. 

Christine collapsed on top of me shortly after she had chased her own satisfaction and relieved herself on me. I immediately clung to her as we tried to breathe the same warm air. Our bodies were touching, so intimately intertwined after expressing just how much we had missed each other, and just how much love, that was oh so palpable now, was  between us both.

I closed my eyes as I held her against me with peace in my heart, as there was nothing else to say, and with complete adoration as if I was taking care of a delicate creature. I brushed her hair as she now laid her head on top of my chest. It felt like we were in paradise, floating miles and miles above the earth.

Yet it was quite surreal when the next thing that I felt was the sun rays hitting my eyes, making me stir in bed. I thought to myself, eyes still closed, that maybe last night I had just had a warped up memory playing in my head… Or perhaps a nice dream that would never truly come to fruition. Though I came to know that none of that was true as I opened my eyes and found myself in Christine’s bed… With her right next to me, still asleep. It seemed that we had fallen asleep soon after we had cuddled together and she had never left after that. Her gorgeous hair was a pretty mess, her face was all pushed by the pillow, and the bedsheets were barely covering her still nude body. 

I observed her in awe as my mind was invaded by so many emotions after realizing that she was indeed still here, by my side. I was now tearing up and I clung to her, trying my best not to wake her as the tears streaming down on my cheeks met her naked skin. Up until this moment I had never cried out from happiness before, but I couldn’t stop myself, no matter how confused I felt about such a thing happening in the first place. 

⏤ “Helen…” I suddenly heard her voice, which was raspy and dry, showing just how long we had both been sleeping. I lifted my head up from her chest, looking back at her. “What’s wrong?” I must have woken her up with my weeping.

⏤ “Nothing dearest… I’m just happy to be with you.” It then seemed to dawn on a drowsy Christine what was going on and a smile showed up on her divine face. 

⏤ “Come here darling.” She held me, wrapping her arms tightly around me as the sun hugged us with its warmth and I breathed in her essence, my head now laying down in the crook of her neck. “From now on… Let’s be happy”

⏤ “We will” I hugged her tighter as I let myself finally be embraced by the love I had always had wanted and waited for. She loved me, and I, forever and always, will love her. 

 

 

A little video if you made it till the end. 

Notes:

Well this is the end of this road ( cannot believe this is the longest fic i've ever written). I hope everyone enjoyed this story. I put a lot of time and effort to it, and I have been trying to improve my writing. Unfortunately, it seems that with all I have put into my stories, they don't end up being read as much as in the past or get as many kudos. So perhaps, this could be my last fic. I'm so grateful to everyone who comments and follows my stories, it just makes my heart full.
Maybe with time i'll be back, but I'm not sure yet. I feel very dissapointed with myself and that's not the point here. I wanna have fun again with these.
Keep the comments going, I always read them and I fully adore all of you. Thank you for the endless support.
Ngl I kinda teared up writing this.
With love, dancinglady33.

Notes:

Thanks for reading! Leave kudos or comment <3
All the music referenced in this fic are on this playlist: No Other Love