Chapter Text
Shauna doesn’t think too much of it at first. The… thing. That’s what she’s been calling it in her head. Best not to assign a real word to it - that’s how unimportant, how insignificant, it is to her. To Jackie too, she’s sure. Jackie probably doesn’t even realize she’s doing it, that’s how insignificant it is.
…Well, she probably does realize she’s doing it - in the locker room, at least - but that’s normal. The other girls do it too; a smack on the ass with an open hand or the whiplike crack of a damp twisted towel - that’s like, girl stuff. Sports stuff? Whatever. They’ve all always done that.
But, it has… increased… in frequency lately. Shauna thinks anyway.
Especially in other places. Public places, places where Shauna has to whip her head around, wide-eyed with panic, to make sure no one saw Jackie getting overly friendly with her ass.
No one ever does.
Either Jackie’s really, really lucky (and that’s not even up for debate because she is, in a way that’s infuriating sometimes), or, Jackie’s being really, really careful. And that feels …unlikely.
Why be careful when you have no reason to be? No one would ever question Jackie about the nature of her relationship with Shauna - that line of questioning only runs one direction. It’s not hard to understand why, though that doesn’t make Shauna any less bitter about it. She has eyes, after all.
Besides, if Jackie were being careful… that would mean she’s thinking about this, like, really thinking about it, the same way Shauna is. And that feels impossible.
Because even worse, it’s happening in private places. Places where Shauna has no excuse to react the way she does. No excuse to jump; to jerk away, flushed, as if she’s afraid someone might see. As if a playful pat on the ass stings like a wasp. But it does. It feels like it does, anyway.
Her saving grace is that Jackie doesn’t seem to have noticed how fucking weird Shauna’s being about all this.
Because to Jackie, it probably isn’t anything odd at all. It probably isn’t anything, period. Shauna’s probably just imagining it, the whole thing. Imagining it’s anything more than business as usual, anyway. It’s probably something Jackie’s always done - Shauna probably just never really noticed it before.
Before… things changed. Before the other stuff started happening. Before things got all messy and confusing and gloriously wonderful and terrible and before a smack on the ass could possibly mean anything besides a little fun between friends.
Before Lottie’s sleepover sophomore year and everything that came after.
***
“I don’t know, Jackie.”
Shauna chews her lip nervously, shrinks back from Jackie’s reproachful gaze in the half-light of Lottie’s hallway.
“It just… doesn’t seem like a good time?”
She trails off weakly. What the fuck does that even mean, not a good time? Fuck.
Whenever Shauna tries to argue with Jackie, it’s like she’s been lobotomized. Her arguments always make sense in her head, but they come out sounding stupid and incoherent - all twisted up or half formed or just gone altogether, vanished somewhere in the liminal space between her brain and her mouth.
“Shauna, what are you talking about? It’s the perfect time - it’s just the team, we’re sleeping over, so you won’t have to see your mom until tomorrow morning, and it’s perfectly safe - it’s just a little wine! It’s not cocaine for god’s sake.”
Jackie makes her eyes big and round.
“Don’t you want our first time to be together?”
Something sticks in Shauna’s throat, and she chokes on her own spit, or maybe air, or maybe nothing at all.
“-What?”
She splutters, doubles over, coughing deep enough to rattle her chest.
“Are you okay??”
Jackie thumps her back hard and Shauna coughs harder.
“Do you need me to get you some water? I’ll be right back-”
Jackie’s already turning around before she’s even finished speaking. Shauna’s hand darts out desperately to grasp at her wrist, tugging Jackie back before she can sprint away down the hallway and cause some sort of scene in the kitchen.
“No, no. I’m fine.”
She wheezes, gripping Jackie’s wrist tightly.
“Seriously.”
Shauna straightens up with some effort, swallowing down the last of her gasping breaths. She speaks mostly to Jackie’s concerned frown, avoiding her eyes.
“...Oook…”
Jackie’s still looking at her skeptically, like she hasn’t quite decided if she’s going to put her foot down about the water. As much as Shauna hesitates to revisit the scene of the crime, she would rather throw an argument than be the center of attention of the whole team over a little cough.
“What did you say, before? I… missed it.”
She grits out.
“Oh!”
Jackie brightens.
“Just - don’t you want our first time drinking to be together? It’s literally perfect Shauna.”
Jackie gazes at her expectantly. Oh.
“Yeah… no I do… it’s just… what if Lottie’s parents notice it’s gone and then they tell our parents?”
It’s her last, halfhearted gasp of resistance. Her and Jackie both know it. Even Shauna can hear how feeble and unconvincing it sounds.
“Shauna. Lottie’s parents haven’t been home in six months and they have a whole wine cellar. I don’t think they’re going to notice a bottle or two.”
Jackie folds her arms and presses her lips together into a thin line. Her tone reveals a hint of exasperation, but Shauna can tell she’s trying to be patient.
She sighs.
“Okay.”
***
“I got white, but still, please try not to spill on the carpet guys.”
Lottie floats across the plush, cream-colored carpeting of her living room, carefully passing out paper cups around the misshapen circle of girls arrayed before her. Shauna’s eyes dart to each of their faces in turn. Everyone looks infinitely more relaxed than she feels. Is she seriously the last loser left in Wiskayok who hasn’t started drinking yet?
“Thanks, Lot.”
Nat grins, knocking back a generous gulp as soon as the cup passes from Lottie’s hands to hers. She lounges, stretched out on her side, propped up on an elbow.
Van cranes her neck up from where it rests on Tai’s thigh, trying to drink without rising from her position flat on her back on the floor. She grins sheepishly when she misjudges the angle and twin rivulets of wine escape the corners of her mouth, running down her neck to soak into the collar of her shirt.
“Ooops-”
Tai spares her an exasperated look between delicate sips, cup cradled in both hands like it’s a mug of tea.
Shauna sits up extra-straight, cross-legged, as Lottie approaches to hand her a cup. She edges closer to Jackie.
“Thanks Lottie!”
Jackie chirps. She raises her cup to Shauna’s.
“Cheers?”
Shauna taps the edge of her overfull cup gingerly against Jackie’s, mindful of the light gold liquid sloshing within. She raises it to her nose first, takes an experimental sniff, and can’t help but scrunch her face up at the smell.
Sour.
Shauna likes sweet things. Pancakes are her favorite, but she’ll settle for Pop Tarts on weekdays. She likes to pair them with coffee that has so much cream Jackie calls it her “morning milkshake.” She also likes regular milkshakes. That’s probably why she’s soft around the middle, with bigger thighs and bigger breasts than any of the other girls.
Especially Jackie. Shauna remembers when - around the summer of eighth grade - she first stopped fitting into Jackie’s clothes. First just the little tiny shorts Jackie favored, too tight around Shauna’s brand new hips. She didn’t mind that so much - she never liked those shorts, as much as Jackie would beg and cajole and wheedle Shauna into squeezing into them. But then it was all her shorts, and her tops too - and not just the tiny ones. Even Jackie’s soccer t-shirts became an uncomfortably, obscenely tight fit over Shauna’s burgeoning breasts, her pajama shorts comically stretched to confine Shauna’s too-large ass. Shauna started bringing her own clothes to sleepovers.
“Bottoms up!”
Jackie’s voice breaks her reverie. She looks at Shauna expectantly, hazel eyes glittering with excitement.
Shauna brings the cup to her lips under Jackie’s watchful gaze. She only hesitates for a moment - eyes flicking to Jackie, poised and ready with her own cup raised to ensure they start at the exact same time - before she takes a hearty swig.
She was right about the taste - her mouth twists involuntarily as she swallows it down. It’s actually even more bitter than she expected - it almost burns. She shakes with the effort of fighting back a rising cough. It’s too soon for a hallway repeat.
“Shauna?”
Lottie’s voice floats down from above, accompanied by a soothing hand on her shoulder.
“Here - why don’t you try this one? I’ll trade with you.”
Even as Shauna looks up questioningly, Lottie is already leaning down, smoothly tugging Shauna’s cup from her hands and sliding a new one into its place.
“It’s Moscato - it’s nice, you’ll like it.”
She says by way of explanation, which doesn’t explain anything at all really. But Shauna nods and accepts the cup anyway (she is already holding it after all) and Lottie pats her shoulder happily before she breezes off to settle down next to Laura Lee on the far side of the circle.
“Alright!”
Lottie claps.
“Time for truth or dare.”
***
“Laura Lee.”
Nat grins, leans forward with bright, curious eyes.
“Truth.”
Laura Lee’s eyes are a little bit soft, just a touch unfocused, and she gazes at Nat dreamily from where she leans against the bottom of the couch.
“Since when do you drink?”
Laura Lee thinks for a moment.
“Well I’ve been taking communion since I was eight-”
Nat groans.
“That does not count.”
“I think it counts.”
Lottie interjects, sweeping back in from the kitchen with a fresh bottle of wine. Three discarded empties sit clustered on a side table.
“Laura Lee,”
Lottie prompts, leaving no room for argument.
“It’s your turn.”
“Mmmm okay… I pick you.”
Laura Lee smiles hazily, turns her soft blue eyes on Lottie.
“Dare.”
Lottie sinks gracefully back down next to Laura Lee, close enough for their knees to brush, and sets about opening the new bottle.
“I dare you to braid my hair.”
Laura Lee doesn’t have to think about it all - her words come quickly and easily, like Lottie said just what she was hoping to hear.
They all braid each other’s hair in the locker room before games (well, most of them do - those that abide by indignities like braided hair and painted nails and faces). Lottie always does Laura Lee’s and vice versa - their lockers are right next to each other. Tai does Van’s. Jackie does Shauna’s. But Lottie is the only one who Shauna thinks really likes to do it, the act of braiding itself. To the rest of them it’s a chore, but Lottie would do everyone’s if they let her. She even tried to braid Nat’s hair once, but Nat bit her, so that was the end of that.
Lottie’s face lights up. She nods happily, spreading her legs and patting the ground for Laura Lee to come sit between them.
“Some dare.”
Van snorts.
“Hey Lottie, why don’t you dare Laura Lee to have a bowl of ice cream next? Hey! Ow-”
She rubs the side of her head where Tai smacked her, pouting.
“Actually,”
Lottie’s eyes gleam, peering at Van from over Laura Lee’s shoulder.
“I have a dare for you Van.”
“Oh yeah?”
Van’s mouth curls into a smile, and for some reason, a foreboding feeling settles over Shauna. Van doesn’t back down from dares. Everyone knows that. Lottie isn’t usually one to get into a pissing contest, but… she does have Van kind of set up. Even through the warm, sluggish, wine-soaked cloud enveloping her thoughts, Shauna can see that the look in Lottie’s eyes is… devious.
“I dare you to kiss Tai.”
Tai’s head whips around.
“The fuck Lottie?! Keep me out of your stupid beef.”
She scowls.
“What beef?”
Lottie smiles, serene but smug. She twists the tail of Laura Lee’s braid between her fingers, snapping an elastic band threateningly. Shauna’s stomach clenches on Van’s behalf.
Tai’s eyes narrow.
“It’s just a kiss, Tai.”
Lottie placates. Tilts her head, eyes wide and innocent.
“Well then why don’t you just kiss Nat?”
“Whoa - hey - don’t look at me, I’m good for it.”
Nat raises her hands in surrender, eyes flicking back and forth between Lottie and Tai. The corner of her lip lifts into a mischievous grin, flashing a hint of crooked teeth.
“Jeez Tai, didn’t know you were such a prude. Did you and Jackie body swap or something?”
“Excuse me! I’m not a prude!! Fuck you, Natalie.”
Jackie huffs, hands on her hips, face flushed pink with wine and indignation.
All three ignore her.
“C’mere Lottie-”
Nat winks lecherously, making a show of licking her lips. She lifts herself onto all fours as if to crawl towards Lottie, but Lottie holds up a hand to still her.
“Just a minute Romeo,”
Lottie purrs, voice as smooth and rich as velvet.
“It’s not my turn.”
She explains patiently, turning her deep brown eyes back towards Tai and Van.
“It’s Van’s turn.”
She wiggles her eyebrows, eyes twinkling.
“...And you know what happens if she doesn’t do it.”
Van groans; looks pleadingly at Lottie, then at Tai.
“Please no naked lap! It’s February!!!”
“Oh my god you’re all children.”
Tai rolls her eyes so hard Shauna wonders for a moment if they’re ever going to reemerge from the back of her head.
“Fine.”
To Tai’s credit, once she’s in she’s all in. She doesn’t half-ass shit. She grips Van’s jaw with a firm hand and drags her forward, planting a kiss on her that decidedly meets the requisite three-Mississippi count.
Nat wolf-whistles as they break apart.
Van ducks into a sweeping bow, or at least, what she can manage of one from her knees. When her head pops back up, she’s grinning at Nat.
“Uh-uh, I just went.”
Nat preempts Van, shaking her head and sticking her tongue out.
“Pick someone else.”
“She’s right.”
Lottie nods sagely as Van opens her mouth to protest.
“You know the rules, we have to go around the whole circle before you can repeat.”
“Fine, but you better watch yourself, Scatorccio.”
Van points her fingers threateningly at her own eyes and then stabs them towards Nat’s.
Nat gives Van the finger from behind the safety of her cup, but Van doesn’t even acknowledge it, because she’s already busy scanning the circle for her next victim.
“In that case…”
Van breaks into a wide, self-satisfied smile.
“I pick Captain Not-A-Prude.”
“Oh my god do not call me that!”
Jackie squeals, shrill.
“See - look you knew it was you!”
Van crows triumphantly. Jackie glowers.
“Look, I’ll make you a deal - I’ll stop calling you Captain Not-A-Prude if you kiss…”
Van’s glances around, eyes skimming over each of them in turn. Searching. Calculating. Until they land on…
Her. Van is looking straight at her. Why is Van looking straight at her??
“…Shauna.”
Shauna feels nauseous.
“Pfffft. Easy.”
Jackie’s voice echoes in her ear like it’s coming down a tunnel. And then there’s hands tangling in her hair, twisting her head around, and she’s looking into a pair of hazel eyes she knows so well from closer than she’s ever seen them.
Shauna tries to speak, to say maybe - oh I don’t know - hang on a second here? Or something?? But all that comes out is an undignified squeak, and Jackie takes the opening.
Before Shauna can react, there’s lips pressed against hers, and they’re warm and soft and they taste like strawberries and wine and they’re Jackie’s and oh my god this is her first kiss!? And it’s happening in front of the whole team and it’s with Jackie and it’s still going - and oh my god how long has it been???
Through the all-consuming crush of Jackie’s lips and the burning in her chest and the roaring in her ears, Shauna vaguely hears a muffled “wow.”
And then Jackie’s pulling away, a triumphant grin splashed across her face. Shauna goes with her at first, almost pitches forward when Jackie draws back, but she catches herself - just barely.
Jackie’s cheeks are still flushed from the wine, almost as pink as her lips. Shauna knows Jackie’s lips as well as she knows every part of her - almost as well as she knows her own, she thinks - but maybe not after all, because she never knew how they felt before. The realization that there are other parts of Jackie she hasn’t felt before - whole parts of Jackie she doesn’t know at all, really, strikes her as absurd and really very wrong, actually.
Shauna can’t seem to tear her eyes away from Jackie’s face. She thinks probably that she should, but everything feels slowed down and kind of tippy, and Jackie is so pretty right now - has she looked like this the whole night? Does she always look like this? Shauna squints, trying to focus - it’s hard to see Jackie clearly, because she’s blurrier than usual around the edges, and unless Shauna looks really hard there’s kind of two of her? Two Jackies wouldn’t be so bad though, all things considered.
She swoons, sucking in a heaving breath. Has she been breathing? Apparently not. Oops.
Lying down seems like a good idea, but that would mean not looking at Jackie anymore, and that seems like a bad idea. So Shauna grabs blindly for Jackie as she tips backwards, succeeding in tangling a hand in her pajama shirt on her way to the ground. She flops down hard, yanking Jackie on top of her with enough force to knock the wind out of herself. The collision draws an undignified yelp from Jackie and a surprised grunt from Shauna.
Now she’s looking at the ceiling, not Jackie’s face, so that’s not right. But the weight of Jackie is heavy on top of her and moving feels pretty out of the question, so she’ll take it.
“Ooookay, easy there Shauna-”
Nat’s voice cuts in from above, because right - there are other people here. Shauna tilts her head back and sees Nat’s face craning over hers, upside down, confusingly. She frowns.
“I think that’s enough - Lottie, can you get some water for Captain and Co-Captain Not-A-Prude over here?”
“Hey! You agreed-”
Jackie huffs, digging an elbow into Shauna’s stomach as she scrambles to reorient herself to glare at Nat. Shauna wheezes.
“Nuh-uh, Van agreed.”
Nat smirks, crooked teeth on full display.
The elbow in Shauna’s stomach shifts, pokes deep into something soft and sloshy, and a wave of nausea overtakes her. Shauna retches.
“Oh fuck - okay, Shauna, deep breaths through your nose okay? We’re gonna go sit in the bathroom for a little while. Jackie, help me get her up…”
***
Nat leaves them alone, once Shauna’s situated on a fluffy bath mat with a large glass of water and only after multiple assurances that the room is definitely less spinny now.
Jackie stays, slotting herself in right next to Shauna. The bath mat is small, but not that small - not so small that Jackie needs to press herself to Shauna’s side and lay her head on Shauna’s chest to share it. The smell of Jackie’s shampoo wafts around them - thick and sweet, almost cloying. Strawberries. Like her lip gloss.
Shauna lifts two fingers to her own lips, unthinking. How much of Jackie’s lip gloss would have to transfer before Shauna tasted like strawberries? Her tongue darts out to swipe tentatively over her bottom lip, checking. Not enough.
“So,”
Jackie shifts to look up at her, batting her long lashes.
“We never finished the game. It was going to be your turn next.”
“Oh.”
Shauna blinks slowly. Jackie’s face is in focus now - so that’s good, probably. She still feels slow though, like she’s missed a step somewhere.
“Do you want to?”
Shauna blinks again.
“Want to…?”
“Finish the game.”
Jackie prompts. Persistent to the last, always.
“You have to pick. Truth or dare?”
“Oh. Um, truth?”
Shauna doesn’t really think about it. She’s lost again, in soft, sweet-smelling waves of honey blonde, barely there freckles that grace a perfect nose, shining hazel eyes smattered with gold flecks that you can really see much better from this close…
“Was it good?”
“Huh?”
Jackie’s question hits Shauna like a bucket of ice water. She’s definitely less drunk now - and she kind of wishes she wasn’t. Sober enough to feel shame come flooding back, but too tipsy to follow. To think on her feet. Her brain just isn’t working right. What is Jackie doing? What does she want?
“Was. It. Good?”
Jackie repeats, slower. Doesn’t give an inch. Her face is impassive. Unreadable.
Fuck. Fuckfuckfuck-
“I… don’t know? I’ve never… you know. Before. You know that.”
Shauna settles for a half truth. She can’t really imagine it could be better, but technically, she doesn’t know.
Jackie pouts.
“Boring! That’s a cop-out. If you’re not gonna answer for real, you owe me a dare.”
Shauna freezes. Fight and flight are both out of the question - she doesn’t have the wherewithal to take Jackie in an argument right now, and Jackie is practically sitting on top of her, so looks like play dead it is.
When Shauna doesn’t answer right away, Jackie rolls her eyes and sighs. She shuffles around to face her, crawling straight into Shauna’s lap and plunking herself down, knees bracketing Shauna’s ribs and arms thrown over her shoulders. Jackie stares her down in silent admonishment from approximately one inch away. Fuck.
“Ok…”
Shauna whispers.
It’s a trap, she’s sure of it. But there’s no way out. Stupid, useless brain. She’s never drinking again.
“Kiss me.”
Oh. Shit. Fuck. Yay? What the fuck does she mean yay??? Fuck!
She stares. There’s a fist squeezing around her hammering heart, a voice in her head saying run.
But she can’t run, and she can’t hide - so this time, she throws a grenade.
“...What about… Jeff?”
She cringes, almost gags, hearing his name come out of her mouth. She must really be fucking desperate to blow things up to bring up Jeff at a time like this. But it doesn’t even work, because Jackie’s still parked on her lap, and if anything she’s even closer now-
“Oh Jesus fucking Christ Shauna-”
And then Jackie’s kissing her.
It’s a real kiss, and actually, maybe Shauna wasn’t lying before when she said she didn’t know if the first one was good - because yeah, it was, but this is better. So much better. Because Jackie’s on top of her and Shauna’s opening her mouth to gasp and Jackie’s tongue is slipping in, and Shauna always imagined when people talked about making out and tongues and teeth and all that that it would be kind of slimy and gross, and it is a little slimy honestly, but it’s not gross at all, and it has definitely been more than three seconds.
It takes a soft knock on the door to break them apart. Jackie scrambles back, launching herself off of Shauna’s lap and slamming into the tub behind her.
“Shauna? Jackie?”
The sound of Lottie’s voice is muffled through the wooden door. Everything in Lottie’s house is imposing - no cheap wood or thin walls here, thank god.
“I’m coming in, okay?”
The door cracks open and Lottie’s sympathetic face peers through the gap.
“We’re getting ready for bed. Are you guys ready to… come out? I’ve got Gatorade and a portable puke bowl, just in case."
Shauna intends to answer - really she does - but unfortunately she seems to have gone mute.
“Thanks Lottie!”
Jackie beams, bounces up, perfectly put-together.
“We’re good, yeah, let me help you with that…”