I'm down, pounding my head against the kitchen floor, apologising for my life and ever entering yours

by Lucille_Posh

Summary:

Lifeless and cold.
What was he hoping for? A twitch of his fingers, a slight flutter of his eyes? It had been days but Nate showed no signs of waking up. He knew he would not respond.

There were so, so many things that led to this happening, yet at the end of the day, Damian could not help but feel an overwhelming sense of guilt well up in him. The worried faces of Nate's relatives, colleagues, acquaintances alike – a constant reminder of what he could have prevented. What he would have prevented if only he had known.

Notes:

Hey looking back on my past works i realised i should be renamed to ma'am yapsalot
anyways get ready because I am the storm that is approaching
All of the titles of chapters in this work and this work's title itself are will wood references

Chapter 1: it just feels inhumane to lose this much (Day 1)

Notes:

this chapter's title is from 'Cicada Days' by will wood

 

  Lifeless and cold.

  Under the lights which were far too bright for comfort, he looked dreadfully pale. The white soulless asylum-like room seemed to do nothing to make Nate look better, instead emphasising on how close to death he looked. By the side of the bed, a display beeps with every beat of his heart, loudly clashing with the silence in the room.

  What was he hoping for? A twitch of his fingers, a slight flutter of his eyes? It had been days but Nate showed no signs of waking up. He knew he would not respond.

  There were so, so many things that led to this happening, yet at the end of the day, Damian could not help but feel an overwhelming sense of guilt well up in him. The worried faces of Nate's relatives, colleagues, acquaintances alike – a constant reminder of what he could have prevented. What he would have prevented if only he had known.

  Then I wouldn't have convinced him to chase after those possible suspects himself. Then maybe…

=====================================

  He could see it happening. From where he stood, he knew what was going to happen, yet too far away to interfere. A breath caught in his throat, he urged his legs to move faster. It was not until he was halfway across, mere steps away that Nate’s figure took a metal bat’s hit to his head right before his eyes, sending his limp body across the space.

  Despite knowing that the perpetrator was still standing beside him, he could not care less, the pounding of his heart resounding in his ears. Eyes fixed on Nate's body, he rushed to his side, propping him up against the wall.

  “Nate..!”

  “the suspect..”

  His eyes followed the direction Nate had weakly pointed in. A door flung open with the footsteps’ retreating in the corridor outside. He feels a squeeze on his arm, a determined glint in Nate's eyes.

  “Are you-!”

  Are you even seeing yourself right now?

  Nate only seemed half conscious, with a layer of sweat forming on his ghostly pale skin and eyes that were struggling to stay open. His body was trembling, threatening to shut down at any time.

  “Forget it, Nate. We have the suspect's full identity, the police can easily find them…besides, right now, you're…!”

  “...tired…I feel so tired…”

  Hearing him shift his body, a weight fell onto his shoulder. A sense of doom settled down on his chest. His hands immediately flew to grip Nate's shoulders.

  “No. Stay awake.”

  Nate's eyes flutter open a little and a weary smile spreads across his face as he gently shakes his head. Looking at him straight in the eyes, Damian pleads,

  “Nate. Keep your eyes open. Please. You can't sleep. I don't know when you'd wake up. Please don't sleep. Keep your eyes open. I- I'm calling for an ambulance right now. So please. Don't sleep.”

  Eyes half open, Nate gazes at Damian. He blinks slowly, once, twice, each one longer than the next. On the last time, he closes his eyes and with a shudder, his body fully slumps against the wall.

  Ultimately, his words meant nothing. They could not help, could not prevent, could not stop Nate from closing his eyes and seemingly never opening them again.

  He knew he was still breathing, shallow warm wisps escaping each time he exhaled. He just had no way of knowing when he would wake up.

=====================================

  …

  Damian clutched the guardrails of the bed, looking over Nate.

  You don’t deserve this.

  It should’ve been me instead of you.

 

Notes:

next few chapters will be released according to Damian's perception of time. See you tomorrow!

Chapter 2: you, could you take a look at me? (Day 2)

Summary:

…
Look at what I've done to you, Nate.
Would you still forgive me for this?

Notes:

woah! jamison cameo?? no way??
title is from the song 'Laplace's angel (Hurt People? Hurt People!)' by Will Wood

 

  A little warmth scattered across his face woke Damian up just when he felt himself falling asleep. Rays from the sun peeked in through the silts in the blinds. Without realising, he had nearly fallen asleep by Nate's side and it was now a new day. Hurriedly, he scrambles to face Nate, searching for signs of stirring or even a slight change in his breathing, only to be met with a face that slumbered peacefully.

  A dejected sigh fills the room as he shifts to once again sit cross-legged on the floor. He could not care less about the lack of chairs in the room. Maybe he deserved it – the strain in his legs from standing for far too long, the pulsing soreness all over his body from sleeping in an awkward position by Nate – the pain he should feel, the punishment he should do for letting Nate end up in such a state.

  How long has he been in here?

  Within the small room devoid of colours, every second felt like an hour and every hour felt like a day. But it was fine. He would use all his time to wait for Nate, even if it meant a lifetime of waiting. Because Nate has to wake up eventually. He will.

  =====================================

  In the afternoon, where the sun mercilessly beated down on the people outside, the sound of the sliding door opening pulled Damian out of what felt like his hundredth time counting the number of scratches the wall behind Nate had.

  From the door, out popped a few of Nate's colleagues. One with a gentle demeanor, one who looked tensed, worried, and one more who trailed behind, their face hidden by a black mask.

  Quiet murmurs of conversations between them sounded, unnecessary noise that threatened the calmness the room previously held. Their presences only made the room feel smaller than it already was. Suffocating.

  Although he never felt hatred towards any of Nate's colleagues, at that time he felt that he was barely managing to tolerate them. Far too noisy, far too intrusive, far too much for a fatigued him to handle.

  Out of the blue, their chatter quietened down. He could feel their gazes, simultaneously jabbing at him.

  “Oh…! Hello, Damian!”

  One of them with a white lab coat and a mask slung around his neck greeted him. Damian briefly remembers him as the talkative guy who did autopsies and gave reports…

  Jamison, was it…?

  “...Hello, Jamison.”

  His voice came out in a quiet croak.

  Jamison produces a bouquet of chrysanthemums, lavenders and daisies with a ‘get well soon’ tag attached.

  “Don't mind us, we're here to wish Nate well.”

  Without a sound, he nodded his head as acknowledgement. He found his throat far too parched to sustain a conversation, deciding to grab a cup of water later.

  Jamison set down the flowers on a small table beside the bed before joining his colleagues to stand by Nate's side. Together, they took turns whispering their well wishes to him, each of their faces bearing solemn looks.

  “Please, get well soon.”

  “We need you back here, Nate.”

  “...”

  “Jamison?”

  “...I was thinking, how could this have happened to him of all people…? He was only trying to do his job, so why…?”

  One of them only put a hand on Jamison's shoulder, sighing,

  “There's no use worrying over it now, what's happened has happened, we can only look ahead and hope for the best.”

  However, their words did not make it to Damian's ears, who was still hung up on the last question Jamison had asked. Even as their voices disappeared out of the room, his mind preserved that question.

  “He was only trying to do his job, so why…?”

  Why…? Why?

  Coincidentally, Damian had been asking himself the same question. It was not Nate's fault. It never was. Nate was kind and empathetic towards all those around him. He stood for justice in this pitiful rotting world. It was vile beings who inhabited this world that brought harm onto him. Vile beings like the person who had injured him. Vile beings like the gruesome murderer of this case.

  And…

  Vile beings like him.

  He did this to Nate. Pressuring him to do it. To chase after suspects himself. Him. Nate trusted him. He only ever listened to him. And he let this happen. There were so many times he could have prevented it all.

  If he had not been by Nate's side, carelessly throwing out suggestions on how to wrap up a case quicker, this would never have happened.

  If he had only been faster, by a couple of steps to face the brunt of the impact instead, this never should have happened.

  If only he had not firmly decided on dragging Nate there…

  …

  Look at what I've done to you, Nate.

  Would you still forgive me for this?

 

Notes:

next chapter would be posted in a few days! see y'all soon!
forgot to mention this but i'll be adding tags along the way

Chapter 3: whatever you think of me (Day 3? 4?)

Summary:

Will he ever open his eyes again?
Will he ever forgive you?
Will things ever go back to the way it used to be again?

Notes:

Title is from the song "Laplace's angel (Hurt People? Hurt People!)" by Will Wood again
also to clarify since I forgot to do it last time: No, I didn't write these in the span of a few days, I actually started writing these back in January
rn I'm just releasing them chapter by chapter according to Damian's perception of time

 

  He blinked away the tiredness from his eyes, now fully expecting the same blinding white that covered every inch of the room. It felt like over the two days spent there, he had grown fully accustomed to the glaring room that stung of disinfectant.

  Well, with the exception of that.

  A myriad of colours with a pleasant smell rested on a table beside Nate. Their leaves were beginning to sag, a sign that their facade would soon follow. Absent-mindedly, he ran his hands over their delicate petals. He wondered how long the flowers could last without water.

=====================================

  The sliding door yet again opened.

  Entering the room was Nate's family, one of them being his sister, Kate. Her face switched up to mild surprise the moment she noticed him sitting on the floor beside Nate.

  “Damian?”

  Once again, he's reminded of how dry his throat felt as his voice cracked the first time he attempted to reply. The thought of getting water the day before had not been followed through. Clearing his throat again, he tries to speak.

  “Sorry. Uhm. Would you like me to leave, or…?”

  “Oh no, dear, it's fine. You may stay.”

  Nate's mother spoke up, giving a gentle smile. For a moment, he could see Nate's smile again, a light that defied darkness. A part of him cracked slightly.

  He wondered if they would treat him with the same amount of kindness if they knew how huge of a role he had in this.

  The look on their faces when they gazed at Nate had not changed one bit from the day he saw them waiting for Nate outside the operation room. Anxiousness, worry and concern painted their faces in gloomy colours.

=====================================

  The second they left, the room was back to feeling lifeless again, painful silence filling the space where Nate's voice should have occupied.

  Each time he checked the time on his phone, hours passed. Within the room where its four walls trapped him, the concept of time turned foreign. It flowed fast when it was just him and Nate in the room, but crawled by when there were others within the room, and slowed down the most every night.

  When the lights dimmed at night, with everyone peacefully sleeping, he would find himself awake, unable to sleep. Restless, he would switch the ways he faced as he leaned onto Nate's bed to sleep, but nothing could stop the thoughts from flooding into his head.

  He dreaded the night. Thoughts could be easily brushed away in the morning but in the darkness they crept up on him, toying with him, halting him from escaping through a slumber.

  Will he ever open his eyes again?

  I don't know.

  Will he ever forgive you?

  I don't know.

  Will things ever go back to the way it used to be again?

  I don't know.

  Will you know that this was all on you?

  I know. I should've stopped him that day.

  But you didn't.

  How was I supposed to know-

  Stop blaming it on you not being able to predict what would happen. Before making risky decisions, people always take precautions. They anticipate what could happen before it happens. But you?

  …

  Did you?

  …

  Did you never even once consider weighing the consequences?

  …shut up. Leave me alone.

  No.

  Shut up.

  Do you not see it?

  Shut up. Shut up. Shut up.

  It was always on you. Look at yourself. Look at yourself. You are the reason for this. Not the suspect, not the fact that you couldn't see this coming, not anything else.

  It was all you.

 

Notes:

I think Damian's going insane guys

Chapter 4: and I hate proving that I'm still human after all (Day 4? 7?)

Summary:

All of a sudden it felt hard to breathe, his chest constricting as he stood frozen.
No.
No. No. No.
I can't do this again.

Notes:

this chapter's title's from 'Sex, Drugs, Rock’n’Roll' by Will Wood
fell to my knees in front of my irl friends when I saw the art in discord the other day
glad to know this fic brings about inspiration to yall!!
anyways here's another chapter

 

  For the first time in a few days, he emerged from the dreary room not headed for the occasional restroom break but for another reason.

  With a stomach that ached in hunger and a throat so dry he felt like clawing it out, he stumbled down the seemingly never ending corridor, in a search for a way to cure himself.

  Turning a corner, he found a vending machine full of mere snacks and a water dispenser beside it. From his pocket, he pulled out some loose change, counting just enough on his palm to afford the cheapest option.

  This'll have to do.

  He feared straying too far away from Nate. A part of him was afraid that if he left Nate, something would happen to him. So fickle, human life was. He had learnt from the last time he strayed too far.

  Alone, he sits, in a gloomy corner. When the morning was so early even the sun had not risen, not a soul could be seen. In the quietness, he finds himself yearning for those pancakes from the diner he and Nate frequented. As he closed his eyes, he could almost smell the crisp and freshness of the pancakes, drizzled with a generous serving of maple syrup. They would always be seated in a booth by a window, where people and vehicles rushed about.

  ‘Don’t you think the view clears your mind?’ Nate would say.

  ‘Does it now?’ He'd idly reply.

  On some days they would be engaged in conversations, on other days they would be idly talking and sometimes, all they did was quietly gaze at a sunset melting over the horizon into a burst of colours.

  He should be eating pancakes with Nate in that diner by now instead of being stuck in a hospital anxiously waiting for him to open his eyes.

  Perhaps it was the sorry excuse of a meal he was eating. Perhaps it was the memories with Nate that surfaced in his mind. Perhaps it was the realisation that even after so long, Nate had yet to wake up. Whatever it was, it made something in Damian that had been cracking since the last time he had truly seen Nate break.

  A little warmth trickled down his face. As he roughly wipes it away, more flows down in its place. Blinking his blurring vision away, he tries to will it to stop.

  Oh…

  The sleeve of the jacket he had was slowly getting soaked through with salty tears, but they just kept falling.

  Why is it…

  With shuddering breaths, he swallows, attempting again to stifle his cries. It felt so suffocating. So, so suffocating, he choked. Once again, tears flowed forth.

  Why am I crying so much…?

  He found himself unable to cease his sobbing. With tears running down his cheeks, he sighs and closes his eyes, letting the devastating truth of the current situation come crashing upon him.

  It feels almost like a week or more. I'm never seeing him again, am I?

  He'll never open his eyes.

  He'll never forgive me.

  Things will never go back to the way it used to be again.

  And I… I can't do anything about this. But I don't want to lose the most important person to me. I don't want to lose Nate. I can't lose him.

  Please.

  Please, please, please.

  Don't take him away from me. I don't know what I'll do without him.

  I can't live if he's gone.

=====================================

  Eventually, his tears ran out, leaving him sitting on the chair all curled up, regaining his bearings. Still sniffling, he trudges his way back to the room, ignoring the people who all rushed past him. He was far too tired for this. He just wanted to see Nate.

  Suppressing a yawn, he pushes the door open, only to be met with an empty bed. His blood runs cold. All of a sudden it felt hard to breathe, his chest constricting as he stood frozen.

  No.

  His legs felt weak. Struggling to take step after step, he pulls himself closer to the empty bed.

  No. No. No.

  Clutching on the handrails of the bed until his knuckles turned white, his mind racing with thoughts and possibilities. None of which ended well. Without thinking, he felt for the white sheets of the bed, simply laying his hand there. It was where Nate should have been laying at.

  I can't do this again.

  On the floor, he sinks down, trembling legs unable to support him.

  Was it because I left him for too long?

  Was it because I-

  “Excuse me-!”

  A voice breaks his train of thoughts. Turning around, he notices a nurse by the door.

  “Are you a visitor? This room's elderly patient recently got discharged.”

  Damian almost erupted in laughter from relief.

  “No, I must've- must've gotten the room number wrong. I thought- i almost thought he was-”

  His voice cracks.

  “...s…sorry.. I'll head right over to the correct room.”

  Swiftly, he moved past her. He didn't want to hear any empty words of consolation. They were nothing more than a polite gesture. Checking the door number on his way out, he realises that it was indeed the wrong room.

  That's strange. I could've sworn the numbers were correct. How could I have seen it wrongly?

  He rubbed his dry eyes, blinking a few times.

  I suppose I'm feeling rather tired. It doesn't help that I can barely sleep now because of everything that's been going on. It's nothing I've never been through before though. I'll get past it eventually.

 

Notes:

eventually... eventually... when would 'eventually' arrive for him? heh...

Chapter 5: and yet you believe that it’s true, well you do, like you knew anything ever (Day 8? 14? 5?)

Summary:

He could feel a familiar presence right behind that closed door.
One that he dearly missed.
He need not use his eyes to confirm it.
He just knew.
“Nate?”

Notes:

Chapter title from the song The Song with Five Names aka Soapbox Tao aka Neospace Government aka Checkmate, Atheists! aka You Can Never Know by Will Wood!!
Unfortunately it's a really short chapter for all that waiting but hey! it's good! trust!

 

  As he awakened from one of his trance-like states where he only stared at an empty wall, Damian found himself glaring at an intruder or rather a chair that was not there before. Something that he had not noticed until now.

  For the past week(?) there had not been any chairs in the room, and out of the blue, there was one. It might have been Nate's family from the other day who had requested one for him. He thought back to their kindness and gentleness whilst speaking with him.

  Almost like how Nate would treat him.

  Except he didn't deserve the chair. A comfort he should not be entitled to. Even as his sore legs creaked underneath him, their complaints went unheard as he refused to even entertain the thought of sitting in that chair. No, he was going to continue waiting uncomfortably until Nate woke up.

=====================================

  He was growing used to waiting. To spending days in a white blank room, save for the few toilet breaks he had in between and when he headed out when he got particularly thirsty or hungry.

  The lack of events happening made time melt together into a huge chunk. And throughout it all, the chair seemed like it was teasing him.

  What, so because of some stupid reason you're not going to sit here to rest?

  “It's not a stupid reason. It's a commitment.”

  That's stupid.

  “No it's not.”

  Yes it is.

  “It's for him. I'm doing this for him.”

  What, since when did he say that you can't sit in a chair?!

  “He didn't say that. It's me who decided on this. I don't…I don't deserve comforts like this while waiting for him. It's my punishment.”

  You think he'll be happy with this?

  Damian kicks the chair, sending it landing on the floor with a loud crash.

  “You aren't him. What do you know about him?”

  …

  He spends a few moments staring at the pathetic fallen chair, incapable of pulling itself up. Sighing, he goes over to put it upright again.

  Who was he kidding? Chairs can't talk. What on earth was he doing?

  He curled up against the bed and buried his head in his hands. Squeezing his eyes shut, he hopes that sleep takes him. It's been forever since he last slept. Exhaustion wracked every inch of his body. Still his mind refused to calm, coming up with a world of its own.

  Whether it was the result of his unhealthy decisions of withdrawing himself from sleep for the past few days, or the ‘meals’ he had been surviving on, he started to experience something odd.

  Despite Nate being by his side right then deep in sleep, he could feel a familiar presence right behind that closed door. One that he dearly missed. He need not use his eyes to confirm it. He just knew.

  “Nate?”

  No reply.

  “Nate, is that you?”

  Silence.

  “You're behind this door, aren't you?”

  Damian rested his hand against the door. He's tempted to slide it open. He wanted to truly see him again, to see him live his life again. With a little pressure, he tries to give the door a little push.

  “Don't.”

  His familiar voice sounded in Damian's head. Damian knew it all too well what it meant, yet he halted. Even if it was fake, even if it was a hallucination, he wished not to break out of it. It may be a lie, something he had made up, but it brought with it the comfort that he desperately seeked.

  “Nate, I need to ask you something,”

  The other behind the door kept quiet. A signal that he could go on.

  “Would you forgive me?”

  “I can't answer that.”

  “Are you mad at me?”

  “I can't answer that either.”

  “...”

  “I am worried about you, though. You need to pull yourself together. The Damian I know wouldn't be like this, sitting on the floor, moping for such a long time.”

  “Then what? What should I do?”

  “Take proper care of yourself. I don't want you to hurt yourself like this just because of me.”

  “But I'm the one who's dragging you down.”

  That was what Damian wanted to say, but he kept quiet. The Nate he knew would just comfort him and try to assure him otherwise if he said that. He was right in doing so.

  “If you don't want me worrying when I wake up, you should start getting on with your life.”

  Get on with my life? But I… I don't want to leave you alone back there, Nate.

  Inside here, the world seems to stop, isolated from the outside, where the Earth still turns, as people are all progressing with their lives. Clocks won't stop for a measly person in the world, but I'd stop for you. When the tides of time wash over, shouldn't I be by your side, waiting for you?

  “...I don’t know how to answer that…”

 

=====================================

sketchy sketch of the hospital!! (originally posted on my Tumblr)

Notes:

fun fact! people actually DO start to hallucinate after multiple days without sleep! So make sure to sleep well guys!!
also for the last few lines, if any of y'all follow me on tumblr @Lucille_Posh you'd probably have seen me post it before hehe (shameless self promo here)
next chapter's gonna be a little big! keep waiting for more just like Damian guys!!

Chapter 6: so when you're holding on to everything but you feel that you cannot let it go (Day 28? 20? 6?)

Summary:

“Damian…I don’t think this is good for you.”
“I know.”
“Do you need help?”

Notes:

title is from the song Everything is a Lot by Will Wood!!
oh man this was like... one of the longest days i wrote...

  Somewhere towards the end of the week, an opportunity arose for Jamison to visit Nate again. Along his way to the hospital, the thought of the flowers by Nate's bedside struck his mind, leading to him ending up awkwardly carrying a glass vase filled with some water en route to Nate's room.

  As expected. The flowers are beginning to wilt. But that’s nothing a little water can't solve!

  Stepping back to admire his handiwork, he turns around and jerks back as he notices something, or rather someone who had been sitting like an unmoving statue by Nate's side. And strangely enough – sitting on the floor despite being beside a chair.

  Saying that he was in a horrible state was an understatement. His hair was wild and messier than usual. His face bore heavy eyebags that sagged and a distant look etched upon it. Every hint of his usual spirited demeanour was just…gone. Not even a word spilled from him unlike the last time he had dropped by to see Nate.

  “Damian?”

  That was enough to bring Damian back to reality. His mouth opened, but nothing came out. Clearing his throat and coughing a little, he tries again.

  “Oh, uhm…Jamison? Hello..!”

  “How long have you been here for?”

  “Sorry, what did you just say…?”

  “How long have you been here for?”

  Damian quietens, deep in thought. He averts his eyes to Nate.

  “To be honest… I don’t know. It feels like days, maybe weeks. It’s like everyday the days just grow longer. I… I don’t know how long has passed...”

  “It’s been five days. Did you stay here overnight?”

  “Yeah. Not once did I step foot outside of this floor. This building. I can’t bear to be too far.”

  “Damian. I don’t want to sound naggy and I know you usually don’t talk to me but… speaking from one of Nate’s friends to another…I don’t think this is good for you.”

  “I know.”

  “Do you need help?”

  Damian looked between him and Nate, a flurry of emotions behind his eyes. Abruptly, he blinks, shaking himself out of it.

  “...yes. I.. I think I need help.”

  “Then let’s go.”

  “Go where?”

  “Out. Far away from this room, this floor, this building. Anywhere but here.”

  Jamison walks ahead, standing by the doorway, waiting, expecting. He watches Damian slowly rise up, a little unsteady on his legs. Damian turns to Nate. In that moment Jamison could see the hesitance Damian had, a longing in his eyes. He knew Damian was close to Nate, but never had he expected Damian to be that close – to the point where he waited by Nate’s side, akin to a dog waiting for its owner at a train station every day without ever realising that they were long gone.

  “Are you ready to go?”

  “Yes. I’m ready.”

=====================================

  Jamison did not know how, but somehow Damian ended up taking the lead. He led ahead, walking like he already had a destination locked into his mind. Before Jamison knew it, he was standing in front of a diner.

  “This is…”

  “The pancake place me and Nate would always hang out at.”

  “...”

  “I don’t know why… I was thinking of just aimlessly wandering around the hospital, but somehow my legs seemed to have a will of its own. Of all the possible places they could’ve brought me to, they brought me here.”

  “Do you… perhaps want to go in?”

  “Nah it…it wouldn’t be the same. Nothing's the same without him.”

  “...”

  “I miss him, you know.”

  “...same here.”

  Their backs leaning against a brick wall beside the diner, both remained quiet from there on, neither knowing what else to say to the other. Blankly staring at the cars passing by on the street in front of them, as the streets were cast in colours of sunset, the odd pair was brought together simply because of their friend.

  “...”

  Jamison looks to his left to see something strange. Damian's eyes seemed to gradually close, but just before they could fully be shut, he blinked hard multiple times. Damian shakes his head, hands flying up to massage his eyes as he sighs. Jamison had seen enough. He crossed his arms,

  “If you need to sleep, you should go back to your house.”

  “No, no, no..I…I shouldn't be sleeping. I'm fine.”

  “You need to stop treating yourself like this. I'm sure both you and I know that Nate would be worried if you continue hurting yourself like so. Are you going to disappoint him like that?”

  “...”

  “Then go back to your house and stop staying overnight at the hospital. Get some proper sleep while you’re at it. Your eyebags are getting really bad.”

  This time, Damian stays silent, truly seeming to process his words. After so long, his words finally hit their mark. He watched Damian look – really look – at the reflection of himself in the glass of the diner. It was like some sort of realisation had stuck him. When Damian turned around, although faint, Jamison saw a reignited spark in his eyes.

  “...could I just…visit Nate one more time before I head back…?”

  “One last time.”

=====================================

  They were back at the hospital again, with Damian ahead of him. He walked, navigating without once stopping to look at the floor plan or to ponder which direction he should head in. Yet despite how well Damian seemed to know the layout of the hospital, Jamison noticed the slight change in his pace at every turn, where his steps only got quicker, bubbling anticipation rolling off his body.

  When the door to Nate's room was in sight, Jamison thought that Damian would have bolted off towards it. Instead, he kept composed, maintaining his pace.

  That was until a nurse rushed ahead of them before darting into one of the doors in the corridor.

  In an instant, Damian's expression turned into one of frenzied panic. Frozen in place, he trembles with fear etched into his face. Only a name fell from his lips,

  “Nate…!”

  Seeing Damian rushing off after the nurse, Jamison tries to keep up the best he could, only to fall behind. A looming sense of dread lurked over him, making him quicken his pace.

  Who knows what Damian would do when his current state is already so unstable…!

  When he finally threw open the door, before his eyes he saw Damian clutching the poor nurse’s wrist. The nurse’s face was pale, her breathing uneven. Before Damian, she stood like a rabbit caught in headlights.

  Looking at the nurse straight in her eyes, Damian growled,

  “What are you trying to do to him?!”

  Immediately, Jamison leapt in front of Damian, slapping his hand off the nurse's wrist. Putting himself between the nurse and Damian, Jamison firmly stands his ground,

  “Damian, look. Look. She's holding an IV bag. She's just here to change Nate's IV drip bag. She's not here to harm Nate so could you back down?!”

  His gaze shifts down to the IV drip bag she had been holding, eyes widening in surprise. Awkwardly stumbling backwards and bumping into the bed behind him, he runs his hand through his hair. Shakily gripping onto the handrails of the bed behind him for support, Damian lets out a hiss through his teeth,

  “Shoot… I… I'm sorry…I just…”

  “It's… it's okay..!”

  The nurse, finally seeming to have found her voice, spoke up, despite her trembling body clearly emphasising that she was the opposite of being alright. Quickly, she changes the IV drip bag Nate had with the one she had on hand before scurrying her way out.

  The moment the nurse's footsteps could not be audible, Jamison snapped,

  “What was that, Damian?!”

  “I… I don't know, Jamison! It's just…! I got a little paranoid when we left Nate alone here for far too long…!”

  “I thought you said that you needed help. You wanted to stop this. This madness.”

  “I did…!”

  “Then? Why are you still like this? You need to learn to let him go. You don't have to hold onto Nate so tightly.”

  “You don't get it! It's precisely because I can't let him go that I hold onto him! I… I'm sorry, Jamison but this whole help thing… it doesn't seem to be working out…”

  Damian turned away from Jamison, his knuckles turning white as he clutched at the handrails of the bed, eyes fixated on Nate.

  Clenching his fists, Jamison briskly walks out of the room. He had foolishly thought that he had steered Damian out of his self-destructing path, but he was wrong. Damian only pulled himself back on track, more strongly than ever.

  This could not go on forever. At any point in time he could break. And when he does, everything will come crashing down upon him in ways so terrible it will leave scars so deep he will never forget.

  Although to Jamison, he knew that Damian always seemed to, for some reason, despise him, he could not just let Damian go like that. Damian was close to Nate. If Damian got hurt, it was sure to affect Nate as well.

  I need to find a way to fully convince Damian to stop. I need someone whom Damian would actually listen to.

  Someone who could snap him out of it.

=====================================

  Damian watched as Jamison stormed out. And then it was just him and Nate in the little room again. He lets out a breath that he had been holding on for far too long. Turning around, relief filled him as he saw Nate still peacefully lying on the hospital bed with his eyes closed.

  Tenderly tracing along Nate’s face, a part of him hoping that he’ll awaken from the touch and teasingly tell him off for it. But his eyes only remained closed, the way it always had been since that day. Fingers reaching up, he sweeps away loose strands that fell over Nate’s face.

  At least he’s still here. Nice and safe.

  Gently grasping Nate’s hand, he clasps it between both of his hands. It felt cold, so cold the warmth of his body seemed barely there. Kneeling down beside Nate, Damian presses Nate’s hand to his cheek, nuzzling into it. On his hand, the strong sting of the disinfectant that hung over the hospital was overwhelming. Only a faint hint of coffee and sweet vanilla that Nate always had lingered. It was like gradually there was a little less of Nate, and a little more of the hospital growing on his body.

  With half-lidded eyes, he sighs and leans his chest against the bed. Arms protectively wrapped around Nate’s arm, he only thought,

  I won’t leave your side ever again, Nate.

  In the comfort of being by Nate’s side, for once, Damian could feel himself slipping away as his eyelids fluttered closed.

=====================================

  Under the night sky, Jamison ran towards the police station, hoping that he had not left yet. Anxiously wishing for the lift to go faster, the moment the doors opened, he dashed past the corridor of rooms and offices until he arrived at the right one. Through the glass on the door, he spots a man with a grim expression on his face working his way through documents.

  Bursting into his office panting for air, he wheezes out,

  “Mr…Ambrose…! I need to…tell you…something…! It’s… really important…!”

  Narrowing his eyes, Mr Ambrose – his boss – lowers the documents that he had been reading. He shoots Jamison a glare and grunts,

  “What could possibly be so important that you have to interrupt me while I’m working?”

  “It's…about Damian.”

  His expression hardened, and ever so slightly, Jamison saw a frown on his face that was quickly wiped off.

  “Take a seat, Bud Jamison. I want you to explain everything you know and spare no details.”

 

Notes:

i think jamison might be kinda ooc i know he's just a silly goofy guy in-game but i do believe that he has a serious side to him too
also yay!! jamison comes in clutch!!

Chapter 7: No, I won’t come back and be the same (Day 7.)

Summary:

“Don't stay at that hospital anymore. Come home.”

Notes:

good for yall since we're following Damian's perception of time we get a new chapter this time the day right after I uploaded the last one!
title for this chapter is from Self- by Will Wood!

 

  Rringg…Rring…

  From his pocket, a ringing tone roused Damian from his deep sleep. Irritated, he grumbles under his breath as he fishes around his pocket for his phone. Stifling a yawn, he eyes the bright screen. On it, the contact name, a singular word – guardian. Furrowing his eyebrows, he swipes to hang up the call, settling right back down to drift back to sleep.

  Sleep? Wait. No. I shouldn't be- I shouldn't be sleeping…!

  Immediately, he jumps up to his feet, turning around to look at Nate. He was still there, lying in bed.

  “How are you today, Nate?”

  There was no reply. He looked exactly the same as how he had always looked ever since he was admitted to the hospital. With his eyes closed, faintly breathing and lying down on the bed. Nothing has changed.

  Rringg…Rringg…

  Again, his phone rang, disrupting the moment he was having. If he was not already annoyed by the first call, this second call had successfully ticked him off. Walking out of the room, he softly closes the door behind him. Holding up his phone, he looks at the contact name and sighs. In a flick, he answers the call.

  “Hello?”

  “Damian?”

  “Yes? Make this quick.”

  “Why didn't you pick up the first time I- tsk. Tell you what, we need to talk.”

  “About?”

  “Your behaviour. I've received word that you've been spending entire days at the hospital.”

  “And?”

  “Don't give me that attitude! You know very well that I've been telling you to spend your time wisely! The reason I let you run around is because I believed that you could maintain your scores. If you spend time on things like this, however are you going to graduate at thsi rate?!”

  “So what? It's my time. Not yours. I can choose however I want to spend it.”

  “Damian Ambrose. Listen. I'm saying this for your own good. What could you gain from staying cooped up in the hospital accompanying someone all day? Is this how you want to spend your time?”

  “Yes. This is how I want to spend my time. Because he's Nate. Because he's very important to me. Because he MATTERS to ME. And you can't tell me otherwi-”

  “Again with this Nate. You weren't this rebellious back then before you met him. Since when has this relationship with him brought about anything good?”

  “Since…since…!”

  Damian tried to scour through his memories for his happiest moments with Nate, but instead all he saw was Nate passed out cold in his arms. Breathing, breathing, breathing, his breaths getting shorter and faster as his hands trembled.

  “Don't stay at that hospital anymore. Come home.”

  “No.”

  “Damian. If you know what's best, you’d better-”

  His finger slammed down onto the red button with a white telephone icon, ceasing all sounds from the phone. Running a hand through his hair, he leans back against the wall behind him and slides down.

  “Since when has this relationship with him brought about anything good?”

  Behind the wall, he knew Nate was still lying on the hospital bed – breathing, but not really there. Then again, he's never been back. Not ever since that day he went after the suspects. That day where he followed through the suggestion Damian had given. He trusted Damian.

  If only he had not listened to me- No. If only I had not suggested it to him in the first place…Then maybe, right now, we'll be chatting and laughing over pancakes at a diner.

  Yet he was here waiting. Waiting faithfully for when he could finally see the Nate he missed. When periods of time came and passed them by, he still remained by Nate's side. Even as Nate showed not a hint of even waking up, Damian stayed, hoping that the day he would see Nate finally open his eyes would come. Whilst people may have called his actions foolish, a waste of time, something that only hurts him, to him everything was worth it if it was for Nate.

  Still he could not help but think,

  Is this what Nate would've wanted?

  All this time, has he bothered to look at it from Nate's point of view? Had he even wanted to look at it from his point of view? His relationship with Nate was tightly knitted with years of being together and he cherished it very much. But was it the same for Nate? Had he done…anything for Nate?

  He thinks of a moment, pulling one from a sea of memories but everything eventually circled back to that day again. The day when his heart pounded loud in his chest, anxiously looking over Nate and telling him to keep his eyes open.

  Nate must've been so scared at that time…and I… I'm the one who hurt him by bringing up that suggestion in the first place. I ruined his life, his future, him. He'd never be the same after this.

  Maybe it would be better if I've never been in his life at all. If we never met on that day in high school…If I hadn't stuck around for so long around him, If we had never grown to be so close…then maybe things wouldn't have turned out this way.

  I…should just leave.

  Everyone's been telling me to do it anyway. They tell me it's bad for me to stay. So I should let go. But letting go hurts. It hurts to let go more than to stay. I don't want to let go. I can't bring myself to.

  Even so…

  He stands up, gazing past the glass of the sliding door to the hospital bed.

  I have to.

  With a push on the door, he moves back by Nate's side; where it all feels right. Gingerly holding onto Nate's hand, Damian gazed sorrowfully at Nate, his heart heavy. It was clear what had to be done. His grip tightens a little around Nate's hand. Teary eyes squeezed shut, he lets out a shaky breath,

  “I'll make it up to you, Nate. I promise.”

  As the door shuts behind Damian, just ever so slightly, Nate's finger twitches.

=====================================

  In a room of white, there was a vase of withering flowers. Leaves drooping, ready to fall at the slightest touch. Their petals were scattered all over the table, vibrant colours faded and dull. The vase was half-filled with water, but it was too late. The flowers could not be saved. They were long gone.

 

Notes:

This isn't about the flowers. This isn't about the flowers. This isn't about the flowers.

oh right offtopic but around the time of me writing this I think the fandom was showing a growing interest in the characterisation of Damian's dad aka Ken
I hc him as an average asian parent who's just really fixated on Damian's progress in his studies...

Chapter 8: all nightmares start as dreams and I hear my subconscious screaming

Summary:

Damian breaks out of his stunned state, bursting out into laughter and embracing Nate.
“You're finally awake, Nate…!”

Notes:

chapter title is from Skeleton Appreciation Day by Will Wood though I do like the version where he sings it in-studio more cuz that version feels so raw
another name the song goes by is also Fibrodysplasia Ossificans Progressiva

 

  Nate could not remember when, how, or why, but when he opened his eyes, he was met with the familiar ceiling of his room. It felt like a long time since he had last woken up. Stretching a little, he yawns.

  What time was it now?

  He looks around for his phone. Gaze landing on the plain casing of his phone beside him, he could not help but wonder if his phone had always looked so plain.

  I'm sure there was something on it…at some point? Oh well.

  “Saturday, 8am.”

  In a languid manner, he rolled back on his side in his bed. Odd enough, he felt terribly sleepy. Sinking comfortably into his pillow, he closed his eyes again. However, something nagged at him to get up. Jerking awake many times just before he could sleep again, he finally sits up, irritated.

  So it's the weekend and for some reason I can't sleep in for once? Great.

  Pulling himself out of bed, he finally gets up on his feet, cycling through his morning tasks like clockwork. Brushing his teeth, getting dressed, taking important things with him and…getting ready to go…?

  Do I have something on today?

  He sifts his mind through for schedules, dates and times. Although he was seemingly free today, he could not shake the feeling that there was something urgent that he needed to do in the morning. Walking out of the house, he anxiously checks through his contacts.

  Surprisingly, compared to others his age, he kept rather few contacts. He never felt the need to get the contact of every single person he met in his life, after all. The only contacts he had on his phone were the ones he considered important. Scrolling through the chat logs, he scans them briefly,

  Mom, Dad, Annoying sis, Jamison and Ken Ambrose (boss)…

  There was something wrong with his contacts. He stared at his boss’s contact name. Something in there, or rather one of the words, stuck out to him.

  Ambrose…?

  He thought back on his boss’s face, red eyes that glared daggers at him majority of the time, and a scowl usually accompanied with it. Something about his appearance reminded him of someone else's. Even so, he found it difficult to recall if he had met someone whose appearance matched that of his boss before.

  Who was it that was missing from his contacts?

  Staring long and hard at the handful of contacts on his phone, he counts them once, twice, but finds nothing out of place.

  A loud horn startles him. Looking up from his phone, he finds himself in the middle of a traffic junction, the light a red man rather than green. To his left, a car screeches to a halt as the driver honks the car horn another few more times. Hurriedly scurrying across, he catches his breath, only to have his attention once again diverted as he spots a shop down the street. With huge glass windows and a lively atmosphere inside, it was packed full with customers all eating. On many of their plates, a high stack of pancakes piled up. His stomach growled.

  Weird. He wasn’t hungry before, but the sight of this particular diner made him feel like he hadn’t eaten in six days.

  Stumbling over to the front of the diner in a daze, he stood outside, waiting until a waiter came over.

  “Table for one?”

  “No, table for two- wait, I mean yes, table for one please.”

  Nate clamps a hand over his mouth as he catches his mistake. While sitting down at the booth assigned to him, all he could think about was his embarrassing slip-up earlier.

  What’s going on? Why does everything feel odd today…?

  Gazing at the empty seat across him, an odd feeling of hollowness filled him. He could not shake off the feeling that there was supposed to be someone sitting across from him. Someone he had known for a very long time, and close enough for so many things around him to be associated with them in some way.

  …Yet…Why can’t I remember anything about them…? Where did they go? Why isn’t any part of them in my memory? I can’t remember them…I can’t remember them at all…

  His hands trembled. He remembers holding their hands before. Or was it them holding his hands? He tries his best to draw upon memories of their fingers entwined with each other. Still, he could not make out what their hands even looked like. Tears were springing to his eyes as a guilty knot twisted in his gut. Something was lost but he could not tell what was gone. Frustrated, he covers his face with his hands and sighs shakily.

  Suddenly, he was falling down a dark bottomless pit. As his hair was tossed around in the air by the rapid winds, his coat fluttered behind him. Despite knowing he was falling, he felt no fear. Extending his hands in front of him, the only thing he could see was the pitch black. He reached up to touch his face and felt nothing.

  Because it's a dream. None of this is real. And I never really forgot who that person was. I know who he is.

  In his mind’s eye, he could see his figure. With a messy hairstyle, shining ruby eyes and a constant upturned smile. In the distance, amidst high weeds that reached his waist, he stood. Nate's eyes lit up. He calls out his name, tasting cotton candy sweet on his tongue,

  “Damian!”

  Damian turns halfway around, but Nate is met with a horrified expression on his face, like he was terrified by the sight of him. As Nate took a shaky step forward, Damian retreated backwards. An uncomfortable feeling settled in Nate's gut.

  Huh…? Why do you look at me with that face? Are you afraid of me? Why?

  “D- Damian?”

  Nate stutters out his name again. Rather than responding, Damian instead takes off hastily in the direction opposite of where Nate was.

  “Wait…! Don't go! Where are you…?”

  Waddling through the tall weeds, he pushes through. His eyes were trained on Damian's figure vanishing in the distance as a heavy fog settles down. Yet with every step he made, his legs only felt heavier and heavier. Deep in his heart, a gut-wrenching feeling of loss crept up.

  “DAMIAN!!”

  He lets out the loudest yell he could muster, but Damian did not respond.

  I'm going to lose him.

  When the fog blinded him, he held his hands up in the air, hoping, just hoping, that by any chance Damian was within reach. It felt so hopeless – stumbling through the thick, heavy sheet of fog. Even as he reached out and called for Damian multiple times over, he heard nothing. Wherever his eyes swiveled to, all he was met with was the fog, fog, fog.

  Damian…where's Damian?

  A sense of dread loomed heavy.

  Something was happening, and he did not like it. So he ran as fast as he could, past the fog, past the tall weeds, until everything became a blur whilst he shouted frantically over and over for Damian. He needed him now more than ever. But everything he said was muted, the fog a vacuum that swallowed everything that ventured too far inside – the grass, his voice, Damian.

  Something was happening, and it had something to do with Damian. Nate needed to make sure he was still here. Faster and faster, he ran, tears unknowingly surging up and running down his face. Hands outstretched as he searches, he spots a hazy figure far away. Joyous, he scampers over to Damian, arms wide open to pull him into a tight hug. However, instead of being met with the warmth of the other’s body, he's met with nothing in his arms. His arms were empty.

  Something was happening, and he needed to wake up to stop it. Damian was leaving him. He was going somewhere far away. He knew not why, how, or what spurred Damian to this decision to up and leave. All he wanted to do was cling onto him and beg him not to go. But he could already feel the last traces of Damian's presence fading away.

  I need to wake up. I need to go after him.

  With his hands up to his eyes, he forcefully pries them open. Still, he only made contact with nothing. More desperate than ever, he tries again, this time actually feeling the skin on his face. Without a moment of hesitation, he once again pries open his eyes with his fingers.

  A bright light erupted, filling his vision. Swiftly blinking the tiredness from his eyes, he sits up and hurriedly looks around. He finds himself on a bed. His bed. He was in his room. There were work documents still half open on his desk, being half worked upon. Everything looked the same as always, it was almost like he never left home. Quickly, he notices something odd. Sitting on a desk close to him, his phone with a plain casing.

  This is a dream. My phone has a charm on it given by Damian. It's never been this plain.

  Hands flying to his face at the realisation, he tries to pry his eyes open again. From lying down, he rises up again. This time he was in a dimly lit hospital room. All four walls that surrounded him were of a lifeless white colour. Right. The incident where he blacked out after taking a hit to his head. That aside, he needed to find Damian. Scanning around him again, he notices a little bedside desk, a beeping heart monitor and… looking down almost broke him.

  There he saw a mess of white hair with a cap covering their face, their upper half slumped on his bed sleeping. Eyes softening, a soft, vulnerable voice escaped from him.

  “Damian,”

  Tenderly, he reaches over to gently lift up Damian's cap for a better view of his face. Just as he was about to come into contact with Damian to brush away loose strands from his face, he once again vanished in a blink of an eye. Jolting back in shock, Nate halts. He bitterly laughs to himself.

  It's a dream again, isn't it? People don't just vanish into thin air when they're in front of you.

  Hands upon his eyes again, he pulls open his eyelids, making sure this time he actually woke up. When he came to, this time he was in a hospital room again. Except that it felt different from the other times he woke up. Rather than the cold, harsh white walls that he was met with, a blind on one of the walls was open, letting warm sunlight stream in. Outside, the bustling city of cars driving on the street and people strolling by the side could be seen. Everything felt so real…so…alive. He was finally awake. When he looked to his left, relief washed over him. Standing by his bed was a speechless Damian, his mouth agape. Jokingly, he teases, roughly quoting what Damian had once said before,

  “If you keep your mouth open like that, a bug might just fly into it, Damian!”

  Damian breaks out of his stunned state, bursting out into laughter and embracing Nate.

  “You're finally awake, Nate…!”

  In his arms, Nate felt so glad that Damian was here. It was almost perfect. He frowns a little.

  Too perfect to be real, in fact…

  This time, he holds his hands in front of him. Rather than a distinct shape, he was faced with a blurry outline of something that resemble hands. While his mind somehow convinced him that they were hands all this while, what was laid before him quickly shone the light on the truth.

  It is a… a dream… again. A happy dream.

  He wished he never needed to wake up. For once, this dream made him feel happy. Still, all dreams had to come to an end for they were not reality. What was the point of temporary, faked happiness if the real one is gone? He needed to go back to find Damian. Not the dream Damian, but the Damian in real life. His Damian.

  One more time, with great effort, he pries his eyelids open, yanking himself past his dreams and throwing his consciousness back into reality. When he woke up, he was covered in sweat, panting heavily in a cold hospital bed with a few tears rolling down his face. Swiping away his tears, he tries to sit up, only to be wracked by the feeling of pins and needles all over his body. The numbness and the throbbing at his head proved to him that this time, he truly was back in reality.

  Hand in a fist clenching his chest, he recalled his vivid dreams again. In his heart, the hollow feeling of loss ceaselessly gnawed at him. He needed to find Damian as quickly as possible. Throwing his wobbly legs off the hospital bed, he reaches over to his arm, about to pluck out the many wires and tubes connected to him. However, eyes landing on a spot nearby, he stops.

  On a desk beside his bed, there was a vase of shallow water. Where flowers previously should have been, evident from the few scattered withering petals around, there was only an empty space. Sandwiched between the vase and the table was a note, the handwriting on it belonging to someone Nate knew all too well. He felt his heart sink. With trembling hands, he slowly reaches over to take the note, a lump forming in his throat. Quietly, he began to read.

  “I'm sorry. I'll be leaving this country soon so please, don't find me. For all these years, I've been nothing but a burden. If you're reading this, know that from here on I only wish that you live like I've never existed in your life at all. Goodbye, Nate.”

  For a long time he simply sat frozen on the edge of his bed. Holding onto the note in his hand he rereads it several times, faintly tracing over each letter with a finger, trying to find the answers between those lines. On what seemed like his hundredth read through it again, he simply began to mindlessly stare at it.

  A sob was building up at the back of his throat. He blinked once, vision beginning to blur. He blinked twice, and a sob was let out. He blinked thrice, and the tears uncontrollably spilled forth, accompanied by a pained cry of loss.

 

Notes:

myeah I wanted to do an edit to the instrumentals of miss wanna die for when this chapter came out buutt... *stares at half-completed drawings* yeeeaaaah. I'll need more time.
anyaways~ from here on I'll be sticking to weekly updates where every weekend is funtime!! stay tuned!!!!

Chapter 9: Cause when you leave you know you takе more than your love

Summary:

So this is it…

Notes:

chapter title is from Cicada Days by Will Wood!!
this chapter's pretty short so ehh

  Before Damian left, he made sure to sever all ties with Nate.

  That included blocking Nate from all the social media accounts he had, even the one ‘secret’ account that he only let a singular person know about – Nate – because he trusted him.

  Maybe a little too much trust was given to him. It was difficult to cut ties with someone whom you've laid yourself bare to. Everything he knew, everything he thought, everything he experienced, he told Nate. Nate, Nate, Nate. Everything in his life seemed to tie back to him. To cut him off is to dive deep into the roots of their relationship running miles deep in the ground and rip them all out.

  It took a long time, but eventually he eliminated all the ways he could think Nate could use to contact him. Now all that was left to do was…

=====================================

  It was too late to regret his decisions. Damian had already made a huge decision that would heavily impact his life. If he wanted to make sure Nate would never have to see him again, he had to leave. His chance had come in the form of a mid-term scholarship to another university and he had gladly taken it.

  So this is it…

  Seated by an oval shaped window, he gazes out at Haines city. The city's skyline vanishes in darkness as the sky melts from a sunset into a night sky. From the many years he spent in the city, he knew the city like the back of his hand. It was where so many memories were made, many of which he held close to his heart.

  He had been on trips before, leaving and always returning back to this familiar city again. He could go anywhere in the world, but nowhere felt quite as welcoming as this city he called home. This time, however, will be different. This would be the last time he would ever get to actually see the city again. After the plane departs, the city will fade away into nothing more than a piece of his past.

  A low hum sounds from the plane, quickly turning louder while the ground beneath the plane raced past faster and faster. With a rumble, the plane took off into the air, leaving the land to gradually grow smaller beneath it. Glittering lights of the city bobbed in and out of view, following the turning of the plane.

  Closing his eyes, he was supposed to feel relieved that he could finally leave everything behind…Yet, a sense of melancholy filled him. It felt cold. Briefly, he recalls how Nate used to comment on how cold he always felt. He'd always hold onto his hand afterwards, clasping it between his warm palms, saying that it would help warm him up.

  Damian clasps both of his hands together, but they still felt cold. Painfully so in ways more than the freezing temperature the interior of the plane had.

=====================================

  The doctors told Nate that it was a miracle that he was alive, emerging almost unscathed after the incident. After he woke up, he only needed a few weeks to relearn how to use his limbs after being in a coma before getting discharged. People all told him that he was lucky.

  Losing someone close to you when you're unable to do anything to stop them or pull them back… you call that lucky…?

  He heard from Jamison that Damian had been waiting for him by his side. Then on the sixth day, he left, only leaving behind a miserable looking letter for him. He had read the letter enough times to recall every single word of it.

  The first line was a “sorry” that stung his eyes, the second line a betrayal, the third line a lie, the fourth line a plea for Nate to forget about him and the fifth line a painful goodbye.

  Initially, he had crumpled the letter up many times, hurling it towards the floor in fury. Still each time, he had walked over to pick it back up, smoothing out the crumples and creases upon it. He knew it was over. Damian was gone. He should be accepting it, getting over it and letting him fade into the past. Yet, the void in his life remained. Unerasable, stubborn, persistent.

  Everywhere he went, he kept on seeing traces of Damian's essence in his life. It became difficult for him to go on with his day to day life without once having memories about Damian surfacing in his mind. Even at work, it got too difficult to focus. No longer could he work on his cases the way he used to, live the way he used to. Things could never go back to how they were.

  “live like I've never existed in your life at all”

  That line was so easy to pen down, but so difficult to accomplish. It felt like a ghost of Damian hovered everywhere he went, unable to let go.

  How am I supposed to go from here? 

 

Notes:

yeah Damian's goin somewhere alright..
according to the notes and comments I made on my google docs it says "DAMIAN WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU GOING WHERE CAN I THWACK YOU INTO??????"
also is it a coincidence that this chapter's title is the subsequent line to the title of the very first chapter
okay bye see yall next week

Chapter 10: There’s no more looking back it's looking up or looking down

Summary:

“Nate!”
Jamison comes over, looking at the box in his hands.
“Leaving already?”

Notes:

title is from Blackboxwarrior by Will Wood!!
someone in the discord just pointed out that Bud is actually Jamison's first name and Jamison is just his last name
grr.... screw it jamison sounds more correct I'm gonna take it as his ACTUAL name forever and ever!!! rahagdklw

 

  “So, just to confirm again, you are Damian Ambrose, coming here with a mid-term scholarship?”

  An old lady with glasses perched up high on her nose held up a stack of papers, squinting her eyes between Damian and the papers.

  “Yeah- I mean, Yes, that’s me.”

  Damian fidgeted nervously on his seat. He had not felt this nervous since his first day at high school. He was beginning anew again in a different school, except that he felt like an intruder, popping up all of a sudden mid-term. What would the students think of him? Would he lead a lonely life here? Was it better to distance himself rather than invade others’ friend groups?

  Before Damian could continue the thought, the lady’s voice broke through.

  “Looks like everything’s in order. Damian, welcome to this university. We’re delighted to have you here. The classes’ schedules would be available online for you to view. Also-”

  The lady pulls open a drawer below the wooden desk, going through files, papers, stationary, until she finally fishes out a shiny silver key. She pushes it across the table towards Damian.

  “Here’s the key to your dorm. Don’t lose it, else we’d charge you extra for your stay. That’s it for now, so you can make your way to your dorm.”

  Thanking her, he takes the key, his bags, and leaves the general office, wandering down unfamiliar corridors. It was relatively empty, given how it was midday and everybody was still studying.

  “Dorms, dorms, dorms, dorms, dorms….”

  He murmured to himself, looking around for signages. The dorms were in a separate building, but there was supposed to be a bridge to link them to the school building according to that lady earlier. He looked around, but all he saw were corridors leading to more corridors. No signs at all.

  As the bell rings to signify the end of a period, a million conversations along with students almost immediately fill up the corridors, pushing and shoving past him, moving to a destination and place like they all knew where to go – like they belonged. Damian felt out of place. He stood alone, unmoving among the masses of people flowing past him.

  “Hey? Are you… Are you okay?”

  He turns to his right to see someone with an orange varsity jacket looking at him with concerned eyes. He strains out a smile.

  “Heyyy…I’m new here and I think I’ve gotten lost… do you mind showing me where the student dorms are…?”

  “‘Course I wouldn’t mind! Come, follow me.”

  Walking past Damian, the stream of students all diverted their paths, clearing a space for them to walk. The one with the varsity jacket stopped in his steps, looking back at Damian, expectantly waiting for him to follow. Damian hesitates for a moment, thinking back about Haines city, with thoughts about returning trickling in. However he knew all he could do now was continue moving forward, so he took a step forward – a step closer to a new start.

  They moved onwards, making a path through the throngs of students rushing past them. Gradually, the crowds thinned, and soon Damian was in those quiet empty corridors again. A silence settled between them, with their footsteps echoing down the corridor.

  “Soooo…” the varsity jacket guy interrupted the silence, “What’s your name?”

  “It’s Damian. You?”

  “My name’s Lin. If you don’t mind me asking, how’d you end up here anyways?”

  “Mid-term scholarship, just took it because I thought the environment here would be better,”

  Damian let out a half-lie, hoping Lin would not prod further, which, thankfully he did not.

  “What are your thoughts on this place so far?”

  It feels foreign, Damian wanted to say, but instead he shrugs his shoulders.

  “It’s…alright, I guess. Maybe a little bigger than what I had expected.”

  “Oooh, what did you originally expect? What did your previous university look like compared to this?”

  “Well…”

  They continued on like that, making small talk and generally getting to know each other a little better along the way. When they arrived at the lobby of the student dorm building, Lin requested to see Damian’s dorm key to figure out which unit he was staying in. To both of their surprise, they just so happened to be sharing a dorm. Lin almost squealed in excitement, leading Damian on into their dorm.

  “I am. Literally so happy right now!! I can’t believe this! I’m finally getting a dorm mate!! Damian, do you wanna hang out with my gang later? I wanna introduce you to them so they can finally stop clowning on me for not having a dorm mate!!”

  Lin was quite literally trembling from happiness, sparkles in his eyes. Damian was finding it hard to reject.

  “Why not?“

  ”YES!!! Yes!! Alright then, I’ll be heading back to class now before I miss the lesson-“

  “Wait, right, isn’t it lesson now for you?”

  “I mean, it was breaktime earlier, but the bell’s gonna ring soon so I’d have to get back to lessons!”

  ”I think I owe you a meal for taking up your breaktime,”

  “Owe me a meal?” Lin laughs, “Don’t worry, Damian, you don’t owe me anything! Besides, I usually skip breaktime. Anyways, seeya later!”

  With that, Lin dashes away, out of sight in a flash. Damian was left with his thoughts. Already, he could feel the anxiousness of being unable to fit in chipping away. A little less of being an alien. A little more of being one with the rest. He could feel a tiny slip of a smile coming up his face.

  Maybe…maybe this wouldn’t turn out as bad as I thought it would.

=====================================

  Taking a deep breath, Nate pushes open the door to his boss’s office. In his hand, he clutches an envelope.

  “Sir, I… I would like to resign from my job.”

  He bows, holding his head down for a few seconds before tilting it up again. This was not a decision he had made overnight. It took him a few weeks of contemplation and weighing before he finally came to a decision. Ever since he was discharged from the hospital, he had been finding it hard to focus on his job and daily life without being reminded of the void Damian left behind. A hollow feeling that nothing could replace. He needed space. Space far away from everything, his job, his life, him. Which brings him to the current situation.

  The man before him slowly looks between the envelope in Nate's hands and Nate's eyes, like he could tell what Nate was thinking if he looked closely enough.

  “Are you sure?”

  “Yes. Yes, I'm sure.”

  “Not just a temporary leave?”

  “No, sir.”

  His boss stays silent for a while before nodding his head.

  “Alright, then. You may go.”

  Nate gives one last bow, reaching for the doorknob.

  “Wait. One more question.”

  Nate turns back. This time, on his boss’s usually expressionless face, he sees a rare hint of worry.

  “I ask you not as your boss, but as Damian's father. Do you know where Damian is?”

  A sharp inhale at Damian's name. Nate pursed his lips. He did not want to hear nor talk about him anymore. Despite that, his conscience urged him to say something for Damian's father.

  “I don't know where he is. Knowing him, for him to abruptly run away like that without telling…I don't think he wants anybody to know. And I don't think he wants anybody to find him either. We shouldn't bother him. Wherever he is, he probably doesn't want us there.”

  A few expressions flickered over his boss’s face, before settling back to his usual mask. Mulling it over, his brows slightly furrowed.

  “...I see.”

  With a final nod of his head, Nate leaves the office. It was like a weight had just been lifted off his shoulders. He felt…free. Not even he could have thought that a job he had loved so much would eventually end up being one he would quit with little to no good feelings left towards it.

  Holding up a box of his items from his work cubicle, his eyes fall onto a picture frame of a particular halloween he had celebrated. There were definitely many good memories made at his job, however now it hurts to even think of them because he was always in them.

  Looking up, he spots Jamison waving at him.

  “Nate!”

  Jamison comes over, looking at the box in his hands.

  “Leaving already?”

  “Yeah, I think it'd be better for me.”

  Jamison nods his head,

  “Well, wherever you head to from now… just know that if you ever want to go back,” he winks at Nate, “the whole team would gladly welcome you with open arms!”

  Nate smiles, “Thank you, Jamison.”

  “But seriously, I'll miss having you around. Goodbye, Nate.”

  “Goodbye to you too, Jamison. And don't worry, we can still meet up even if it's not at work!”

  Waving at Jamison, Nate continues on, walking out from the building he had been working at for a long time. Aimlessly, he strolls through streets after streets alongside cars and people all rushing past him. A night breeze blew across the dark streets illuminated by street lamps. He felt lost, not knowing what was in it for him next.

  His entire life up to now had been roughly planned and followed for an ideal future with a stable income. However now, it had been completely upturned, thrown into the air, letting the wind decide where it takes him next.

  I've spent so long building onto this life, and for what? I hate this feeling that twists in my chest every time I return to work. I can't let go of my loss, of him. I hate him so, but still hold him in my memories. Forget this. I want something new. Something I can escape to. Something that can make me forget what I once was, to write myself anew, to forget about my grief and unhappiness.

  Up ahead, his eye catches onto an emptied store with huge glass windows by a quiet corner of the street ahead. There was a piece of notice stuck to the window. His pace quickens, breaking into a run until the text on the notice could be read.

  “NOTICE: FOR SALE/RENT!!! CALL XXXX-XXXX FOR MORE DETAILS”

  Gaze fixated on the notice, his face froze in an expression of awe. At that time, Nate saw a sight within the emptied space, a vision that only he could see, filling him with determination.

  A café. I'm going to start a café.

 

Notes:

awh look at them silies recovering
also hey guys! meet my OC I made for this!!
*presents to you Lin in my hands*
pls treat him well hes my precious

Chapter 11: everything and everyone goes with the passage of time

Summary:

Oh.
Keying in the name, his feelings knotted together in the pit of his stomach. He could not tell why time could not cure his feelings of longing even after so long.
It’s been years. I need to move on.

Notes:

chapter title from Memento Mori: the most important thing in the world by Will Wood
we r so moving on

  The clock just keeps moving, moving, moving. It does not stop for someone who's lost in their life, someone who's unable to pick up their fragments to piece them back together, someone who's paralysed by loss. The currents of time drag people along, whether willingly or unwillingly. Nate was no different. A lot had happened over the course of three years.

  People say “time heals all things” but it only closes up the wounds, not makes the scars vanish. Nate wanted them to vanish. He wanted to forget about it all. Even so, he wanted to hold on. He could not bring himself to cast those memories aside, so they stayed in a corner of his mind, nearly forgotten but still there, sealed up like a dusty box in the attic – unheard and untouched.

  Still, a tiny voice in him could not help but ask,

  What if I see him again?

  And time and time again, he only brushes it off as shallow hope. Damian is gone. He had disappeared with the intention of disappearing, and Nate would let him – because it is what Damian wanted him to do.

=====================================

  As the sound of Nate's alarm begins to fill his room, he reaches a hand out, turning it off as he had many times before. With a drawn out yawn, he sits up, stretching his arms up high.

  Yet another day of working at the café..mmm… Should I try out a new recipe? Adding strudels to the menu doesn't sound half bad…

  When he reaches his café, it's 5am. Usually he would spend an hour or two preparing pastries like croissants to be sold. As for desserts, he would always have a premade mixture from the night before to use. By the time he has finished preparing the pastries and a few desserts, he would be ready to open the café punctually at 7am.

  All in good time.

  Sipping a freshly made cup of coffee, he sighs contentedly. He had finished preparing the pastries and desserts to be sold, and now he was waiting around for customers. Business was alright for a local café like his. The rush hours always brought about enough people to keep the money streaming in.

  As if on cue, the bell to the door of his café lets out a melodious jingle. Getting up, he walks behind the counter, a hand hovering over the cash register.

  “Good morning! What can I get you?”

  “Can I get a latte?”

  “Alright! One latte coming up for…?”

  “It's Damien.”

  His hands which had been adeptly moving across the cash register screen stopped mid-air. A little lump forms in his throat. Slowly, he lifts his head up from the cash register.

  “Uh- Could you say that again?”

  A nonchalant individual with neon orange eyes and grey hair stood before him, impatiently drumming their fingers against the cover of their phone.

  “Damien. D-A-M-I-E-N.”

  Oh.

  Keying in the name, his feelings knotted together in the pit of his stomach. He could not tell why time could not cure his feelings of longing even after so long.

  It’s been years. I need to move on.

  Yet, a part of his heart refused to settle down. There was a nagging feeling of something, just something was happening. It gave off a faint semblance to feeling the dream he had when he was in a coma; nagging at him that something was happening to Damian.

=====================================

  Everything had passed by Damian in the blink of an eye. Him finishing his studies, graduating, and now packing up his belongings from the dorm room shared between him and Lin. Still it felt like not a day had passed since he had first transferred here.

  He could recall the eager eyes of his classmates, who were now his friends, bombarding him with questions about himself, getting to know them along the way, laughing, playing and stressing over exams together. He had found his group of friends here, made a new life here, and yet he had to leave it again as they all had to go their separate ways.

  “Lin,”

  On his half of the room, Lin paused in the midst of his packing.

  “Hm?”

  “Thank you for…everything. Really. I don't think my life at university would have been so vibrant and enjoyable without you and the gang. After so many years…I just can't imagine we're leaving…”

  “Geez, Damian! It’s not like I’ll never see you again! Our group would still be meeting up every once in a while, no?”

  “Oh, Lin! You hurt my feelings so! Can’t you let me have a little moment to be sentimental?”

  Damian says, as he wipes away mock tears from his eyes. Flashing an amused smirk, Lin shrugs,

  “We wouldn’t be permanently parting ways anyways. Besides, we still have that overseas trip that we’re all hyped up to go for!”

  “Right! That overseas trip! We haven’t really come up with a solid plan for it yet right? Makes me wonder if the group has forgotten about it…”

  “We should meet up with them later to discuss about it.”

=====================================

  At a cozy diner Damian and his friends frequented, their friends sat in a corner with three tables pushed together to accommodate their group of six. Arriving late, Lin and Damian finally showed up, with Lin dragging Damian behind him.

  In the corner, Cleo, a fairly quiet girl, sat reading a book. Beside her was Anne, someone who somehow figured a way to get Cleo to open up, reading the book along with her. Meanwhile, Raphael and Milo were engaged in a heated debate, most likely over something stupid again. The last time they debated, it was over whether dry showering would leave soap bubbles behind.

  “Sorry we’re late!”

  Lin says, scratching the back of his neck as he tilts his head apologetically.

  “I’m telling you, meeting up at 11am in the morning is way too early…OW!”

  Halfway through his remark, Lin’s hand met Damian’s head.

  “Okay, okay, LIn! I know my sleep schedule isn’t the best but I’m working on it-! OW!”

  “You’ve been saying the same thing since THREE YEARS ago, my guy.”

  Anne found her opportunity and chimed in,

  “Don’t think I don’t see you playing DTI on Roblox at 1am in the morning Damian!”

  “Come on! I only play that sometimes…! Also can we get to the matter at hand? Why are you guys all taking the time to attack me?”

  “Yeah, yeah, fine let’s all get to business!”

  Instantly, everybody in the group snapped to attention, with Raphael and Milo putting their argument on hold and Cleo putting her book away.

  “So,” Raphael started, “Do we have any plans on where we want to go specifically?”

  “The masses demand a beach episode,” Milo says, pushing his glasses up while a smile forms on his face. He narrowly misses being smacked on the head by Lin but gets pinched by Raphael.

  “Actually,” Cleo softly says, “I wouldn’t mind going to a beach.”

  “Alright beach idea is in!” Anne says whilst noting it down on her laptop, “I’m thinking of going to a place that we can chill at too. Like, a place that’s got malls and such…Oh! And cafés too!”

  “I kinda wanna do an escape room as a group too,” Lin says, “Maybe just any group activities in general.”

  “VOLLEYBALL TOGETHER AT BEACH!!” Raphael screams enthusiastically as Milo cups a hand over his mouth, aggressively shushing him.

  “Yeah, yeah, that’s a lot of good ideas and what to do,” Anne scrolls through the growing list, “Hmm.. What about you, Damian? You still have yet to give a suggestion,”

  “I’m fine with anything,”

  “Say,” Raphael interrupts, “Where exactly can we go that lets us do all this stuff?”

  “Uhmm… Let’s find some time to search it up…”

  “I already did,” Cleo cuts in, holding up her phone, “Does Haines city sound good?”

  Damian’s heart stopped. There was a feeling of something constricting his chest, wrapping around him and forcing his breaths uneven. Suddenly he was back to the last moments when he saw him again, helplessly clinging onto him with trembling arms. Everything around him turned blurry – distant. It was just him. Just him tightly gripping onto his arms, fingernails painfully digging into the sleeves of his sweater as he tried to make himself as small as possible. The muffled voices of his friends could barely be heard.

  “Damian?”

  “Damian, are you okay?”

  “Damian!”

  His mouth opened, but not a word came out. The tears. He could already feel them, ready to burst out at any moment. He feared that if he even spoke a word, it would break the dam holding them back. Hurriedly getting to his feet, he heads off in the direction of the restroom. He needed a place to let it all out.

  Just… not in front of them.

  The lock of the bathroom door clicks shut behind him. Leaning heavily onto the door, a held in sigh releases.

  Three years. Three years and not one thing has changed.

  A frustrated cry left him.

  I’m a fool for ever thinking that anything would change. I can't run away from that place – Haines city. I could take a plane overseas, make new friends, start anew in a place that has never seen me before, but it would always haunt me. And…

  His hands grasped at the tightening feeling in his chest.

  …and no matter how much I try to forget, I'll always miss him.

=====================================

Here lies Six Idiots

Cleo<3(Cleo), 林(Lin), :P (Anne), NoLiferMilodinosaur(Milo), KingRaphael (Raphael), you

林[17:40]: @Damian

林[17:47]: Guys where did Damian go??

:P[17:47]: idk

Cleo<3[17:48]: I saw him heading towards the restrooms.

KingRaphael[17:48]: gang we’re literally sitting around the table in real life why are we texting

林[17:48]: cuz I can’t reach Damian it’s like he disappeared

KingRaphael[17:49]: Maybe he’s taking a shit

KingRaphael[17:49]: @Damian r u taking a big shit rn

林[17:49]: @Damian @Damian @Damian

:P[17:49]: @Damian

Cleo<3[17:48]: @Damian

林[17:49]: I’m gonna go find him

NoLiferMilodinosaur[18:00]: what did I miss guys

NoLiferMilodinosaur[18:00]: I was busy pjseking

NoLiferMilodinosaur[18:01]: oh

NoLiferMilodinosaur[18:01]: @Damian

=====================================

  Slowly, Lin pushes open the door to the restrooms. There were two cubicles, one of which was occupied. He begins to walk towards it, only to stop himself. From behind the door, quiet sniffling could be heard. That made him hesitate. He knew Damian as a strong person. He never cried, never cracked, never broke. And yet here he was, sobbing quietly.

  Maybe this is the side he doesn’t want anybody to see….

  …

  Should I…even be here…?

  As much as he wanted to turn around and pretend that he had not heard Damian’s sobs in the first place, his conscience tugged at him to do something. Taking a step closer to the door, he calls out,

  “Damian…?”

  The sniffles quiets down. A held breath. For what felt like a long time, an uncomfortable silence stretched between them. Lin shifts his weight from one foot to another.

  “Sorry, I- I don't think I should be here. Whatever’s making you upset must be…personal. And I get it if you don't want to share it, but if you need someone to listen I’ll be…here…” Lin pauses, already regretting his decision to check up on Damian, “Or- Or I could just leave…?”

  He hears a loud exhale from the other side. Then, a click of a door lock. Damian emerges with his head bowed low, long hair draped over his face like he was desperate to hide it. Still from under his hair, Lin could see Damian's eyes all puffy and red around the edges from crying.

  “It's fine.” Damian's raspy voice replied, “I'll tell you a little…Just…don't tell anyone else about this, alright?”

  “You can have my head if this gets leaked out.”

  A smile cracks on Damian's face.

  “Thanks.”

=====================================

  Damian referred to it as an incident of sorts, choosing not to specify what exactly had happened. All Lin knew was that it was what brought him here, to a completely new place with the thought of burying everything he loved and knew in Haines city deep in his memories. Still, try as he might, Damian was unable to rid of that person that stood strong in his mind, unfading and unyielding.

  He tells Lin of that person he's left behind in that city, speaking of them fondly with a glimmer in his eyes. Yet it felt like there was a hint of sadness and regret muddled in with it telling that there was something more that was beyond just missing them. Lin could sense that not every single detail was being given, like there was something close to Damian's heart that he was still keeping to himself. But he did not prod further, choosing to simply listen.

  When Damian finished, they remained in silence for a good few moments, letting the washed up bits of memories bad and good alike linger in the air. After a while, Lin turns to Damian.

  “...Do you feel better now?”

  “Yeah, I do… All these years it's just been sitting inside me and I've been unable to tell anyone about it at all…You're a good friend, you know that Lin? For listening and everything...”

  “Honestly, if you have any issues, feel free to rant it out to me. It's no good keeping them cooped up like that. And… after listening to you… I could also try to convince the group to not go to Haines city.”

  “What? No, it's fine! It's been- what, three years? That's all in the past now.”

  Lin stares at Damian with a skeptical look on his face. Damian waves his hand dismissively,

  “Really, I'm over it. Don't worry about me!”

  “...If you say so..”

  “Offtopic but we should head back to the group now. I think we’ve been here long enough.”

  “Yep, Raphael probably thinks you took the biggest shit of your life or something with the amount of time you spent in here.”

  “What?! Oh my god. And what are you, my shitting companion?”

  “A shitty companion.”

  Their laughter filled the air, chasing away the heavy atmosphere and turmoil of emotions that lingered. It fades as they walk out of the restroom, back to their circle of friends all waiting for them. 

 

Notes:

Sorry guys I originally wanted to write out a little bit more on their lives apart for three years but then i thought "man whos even interested in these OCs I have spending time with Damian" so yeah there's that. Anyone ever told you how much I suck at naming characters? yeah these OCs names are so... eurgh.
anyways these OCs are there to symbolise Damian's new life and stuff blah blah
I only have one buffer chapter left why am I running out of buffer chapters so fast + HUGE national exams are shooting my arse rn
sigh I hope I can finish writing this before national exams get to me\
see you guys next week

Chapter 12: Horrified by the sight of my reflection in your eyes, I don't belong there

Summary:

One day, whilst Damian was driving Nate around, he had out of curiosity asked,
“What would you do if your detective job doesn’t work out?”
Nate had paused, ruminating in deep thought, before replying,
“I’d open up a cafe. Then I could forever get coffee from there.”
He remembered letting out a laugh when he heard his answer, thinking of how hilarious it sounded.

Notes:

chapter title is from 'Outliars and Hyppocrates: a fun fact about apples' by Will Wood!

 

  The first step Damian took out of the plane felt heavy. Weighted. As he hesitatingly took step after step down from the fight of stairs aligned with the exit of the plane, his friends’ voices fading into the background. A hand lands on his shoulder. Lin comes up behind him, worried eyes meeting his.

  “You okay?”

  Damian averts his eyes, focusing on the heavy luggage he carried down the steps.

  “Yeah.”

=====================================

  When their documents and pre-bookings were finally processed along with their rooms made, they could finally find some rest from the exhausting flight. The first thing Lin did was dive into the bed headfirst, wrapping an arm around the pillow, sighing,

  “Yes… yes…! I can sleep…! Sweet sweet sleep…!”

  From his bed beside Lin, Damian watched the amusing sight before him,

  “What, not gonna bathe or unpack?”

  “No, no, sleep first talk later…” Lin’s muffled voice drifted from beneath his pillow, soon replaced by quiet breaths of slumber.

  …and he’s out like a light.

  The room fell silent, save for the quiet shuffling of Damian’s footsteps upon hardwood floors as he walked about, eager to explore. A faint smell of sweet orchids drifted through the air, barely noticeable but a nice touch to the hotel room nonetheless. Opposite the beds was a sleek mounted television and to their left, a doorway into the bathroom complete with a bathtub.

  It was a little more than what he had been expecting, considering how much Damian had paid. But then again, the cost was split between him and Lin as Anne decided having everyone share rooms would be much more worth it.

  On the right side of the beds were ivory curtains that cascaded down to the floor. Shifting them away revealed a thin veil under which was a door to the balcony. As he steps out into the balcony, a breeze with a hint of the salty sea hits him, tousling his hair. By the coast, waves gently sweeped up, melting into white foam upon sand. Where the sea met the sky in the far horizon, the last few warm hues of the setting sun could be seen.

  He props his elbows on the balcony railings, idly looking out into the distance. Taking a deep breath and drawing it out in a long exhale, he could feel the tension in his shoulders vanishing.

  I hope I don't run into anyone I know here.

  To be something of the past. To be someone they'll never see again. To lead a seperate life from them. From him. Nate. That was all he wanted now.

=====================================

  As he laid in bed, Damian found himself for the first time in a long while being unable to sleep. Even with soft sheets pulled over him and his head cushioned by a feather soft pillow, his mind was wide awake and alert. A soft sigh escapes from him as he pushes himself upwards, slipping on hotel slippers in the dark. Tiptoeing his way past a sleeping Lin to his bag, he ruffles through it, trying to find the bottle of sleeping pills he always carried on him when he travelled.

  There had been a period of time, when he had first showed up at his new university on a mid-term scholarship, where he found it difficult to fall asleep. On endless nights, he would find himself blankly staring at the ceiling of his dorm. He hated being unable to sleep. The feeling when his physical body desperately pleads for rest but his mind denies it always caused some undesirable memories to surface.

  Seeing the doctor only left him with Lunesta sleeping drugs and a reminder to visit if it did not work out. And it worked to the point where he brought it everywhere with him. He took it to his dorm, when he had to go out for trips or on group sleepovers with his friends.

  He had not even realised how much he had been relying on it until Anne pointed it out once while they were hanging out. Somehow, she had convinced him to slowly ease off his doses of Lunesta from three pills to one every night. Then finally, none.

  However right now, he finds himself digging through his bag once more, fingers grasping for that bottle. And by chance it could be the influence of Anne, because that bottle could not be found at all.

  Though I'm not going to spend a night here laying awake letting my thoughts get the upper hand over my sleep.

=====================================

  Stepping out of the pharmacy with a bottle of pills in hand, he stares at it. Somehow it felt heavy. Heavy with guilt. Anne always looked out for everyone's health, and that went for him too. She had tried, over the course of months and years, to try to get him off these pills.

  Yet here I am, back to square one. Still, just one wouldn't hurt, right?

  As he walked back to the hotel too absorbed in his thoughts, he barely noticed a man rushing in his direction, running with haste. He came, barrelling right into Damian's shoulder.

  “OW!”

  “Sh- shoot! Sorry! I'm in a rush!”

  Without another word or looking over at Damian to see that he was fine, the young man rushed off, leaving a stunned Damian behind. Feeling his legs go weak, Damian trembles in place, his breaths coming out in stuttering gasps. There had been hair covering the man’s face as he bowed apologetically to him.

  But I don't need to see his face to know who he is.

   

  Hands clutching as his chest where it ached, he walked in his direction without a second thought, quickly breaking into a run.

  Down the streets, streetlamps, cars and people whizzing past him. He was chasing for a past. The past that pained him each time he recalled. The kind he loved and hated at the same time, leaving him hesitant to let go. He missed it so much he wanted to go back but he knows he can never return to that the same way time could not turn back. Still, he chases after it, hanging onto it like a lifeline.

  The figure darts between shops and streets, until it turns in the direction of one. Just when Damian thought he had lost him he tilts his head up to see a sign.

  A café.

  He skids to a stop.

=====================================

  One day, whilst Damian was driving Nate around, he had out of curiosity asked,

  “What would you do if your detective job doesn’t work out?”

  Nate had paused, ruminating in deep thought, before replying,

  “I’d open up a cafe. Then I could forever get coffee from there.”

  He remembered letting out a laugh when he heard his answer, thinking of how hilarious it sounded.

=====================================

  Just for a moment.

  He’ll take a quick glance at him. A brief gaze, no different from a passing autumn breeze that softly caresses your face before disappearing as quickly as it had arrived.

  It felt like an eternity had passed since he could see him again, but he knew he could not risk getting too close to him on this quick visit. It was akin to seeing a fragile artwork in a museum, to be viewed from a distance, not to be touched.

  With huge windows inviting a look inside, warm ambient lights lit up the interior, where a handful of people were seated in cushioned armchairs around wooden coffee tables, either talking over a cup of hot coffee or sitting in a corner working. It gave off a welcoming feeling, a safe haven where you got to wind down and relax.

  He would have gone in if he could, but he needed to ensure he never notices him. He then shifted his gaze to the front of the cafe, behind the wooden counter, where he finally saw him.

  Shoulders relaxed whilst his soft chrysanthemum-coloured hair spilled over his bowed face, his hand holding a cloth as he cleaned a few ceramic mugs. He looked… completely at home in the cafe.

  I knew I never needed to worry about him. He’d always find his way in life.

  Without realising, he had shifted a little closer to the glass, quietly observing Nate from behind the thin barricade that separated them. A distance so close, yet so far. He wished he could see his eyes clearer; all he needed was for him to look up. A slight, momentary head tilt. That was all he needed.

  Eventually he tilts his head up, skillfully holding three cleaned mugs in one hand ready to swivel around to put them on a rack behind him.

  To others it was a split second. To Damian, time seemingly slowed to a stop. For a brief moment it was just him and Nate in the space as he lost himself in those brilliant azure blue eyes of his.

  They looked just like how he remembered them.

  That's right. How could he ever forget them? Everytime he looked up into the clear cloudless sky, it reminded him of the blue that always shone through the storm. There was nothing that could even come close to replacing that. The comfort he found when accompanied by those iridescent azure eyes.

  That precious shade of blue his eyes bore was special to him. Because nobody else would truly know of the tender kindness and hope they could hold except for him. Who else but him could gaze upon that colour with such longing?

  Blinking away his vision which was starting to blur, he hesitantly pulls away from the glass, taking a step back. A deep inhale…and a slow exhale followed. Calming down, he looks back at the wooden counter…only to see Nate's eyes widen and mouth slightly agape as he stands there, meeting his gaze.

  Instantly, he was brought back to his senses. He staggered a few steps back, breathing seeming to become more difficult as each second passed. An ominous feeling hung over him.

  Looking left and right, he eyes a path into an alleyway nearby. Before Nate could even reach out to him, or even take a step towards him, he bolts away, out of sight. Vanishing just as quickly as he had appeared.

=====================================

  Nate would recognize those eyes anywhere. It might have been a few years since he had last saw them, but those strikingly red eyes always clung on to his memories, refusing to be forgotten.

  “Damian…?”

  Looking past the window, he tries to catch a better glimpse of that person.

  It couldn't be Damian, could it? It's been ages since I last heard from him so there's no way he could have turned up here all of a sudden…

  “Uhmm…excuse me..? Can I order yet..?”

  A customer moves into his line of sight, waving her hand to get his attention.

  What am I thinking? Damian? Haven't I agreed to leave him along with my pursuit of being a detective in the past the moment I set his mind to starting up this cafe?

  Eyes focusing on the lady in front of him, he bows apologetically and smiles,

  “Sure! What can I get you?”

=====================================

  Panting heavily, Damian lies splayed out on his bed, staring at the ceiling overhead.

  What was I thinking? Going off to see him like that… why did I…? Then what was the point of disappearing for three years when I ruined it like that? Stupid, stupid, stupid!

  A little voice sounds at the back of his head–You can’t keep running away from this.

  “Yes I can.” Damian murmurs.

  I’ve been running away for three years. I can keep running even if it's for my whole life because I can’t afford to go back to how it was—hanging around Nate, fooling around all the time, living in this city. It's not right for me. It's not right for Nate. I'm the last person he'd want to see right now.

  He clutches at his head, feeling a headache coming on. In his hand, pills in the bottle he was still holding clattered around, reminding him of their presence. With shaky hands, he pours one into his palm, downing it in one gulp without water. Just the way he had slowly grown used to doing in the past. Throughout it all, he only bitterly thinks,

  One. Just one to sleep tonight.

 

Notes:

there was like 4 lines from this chapter that i originally posted on my tumblr back in january?
the scene where damian meets nate for the first time in a long while here is what started everything
y'see I never wrote this planning to have a comatose nate arc but then I realised to set the scene i needed something to happen
so boom hospital!!!

Chapter 13: It’s better to be loved than lost now, isn’t it?

Summary:

  I want to hold him in my arms.
I want him to stay.

Notes:

chapter title is from '...well, better than the alternative' by will wood!

  The waves gently lapped at his feet as Damian stood still, staring at how the shimmering ribbons rushed past him before slowing down and disappearing into white foam. He wiggles his toes, feeling the grains of sand slip through in between.

  “Sumthin’ on your mind?”

  Lin joins him, standing by his side.

  “...No. Yes. No. I don't wanna talk about it.”

  “Come on, Damian…we came all the way out here to forget our worries. Let today's problems be left for the you of tomorrow!”

  Without waiting for Damian to respond, Lin tugs Damian away to the rest of the group further up the beach. A volleyball heads for Damian and he swiftly catches it in his hand, looking up to see Anne from far away jumping and waving her hands.

  “DAMIAN! LIN! STOP SLACKING OFF!!! HELP ME AND CLEO TRASH RAPHAEL AND MILO!!!!”

  Beaming back, Damian cups his mouth and yells,

  “ALRIGHT!! YOU GUYS BETTER WATCH OUT!! YOU'RE ALL GOING DOWN!!”

  Throwing the ball high up in the air, he brings his hands together, serving it in a perfect arc towards the area they were playing. Anne catches it, passing it over to Raphael on the other side of the net. In that span of time, Damian and Lin quickly took their spots on Anne’s side. As the ball came Lin's way, he swiftly jumped to intercept it, hitting it forcefully downwards onto the other side of the net.

  Raphael narrowly catches it, diving just in time for the ball. It bounces back up and Milo comes running in, arms outstretched, only to miss the ball as it lands back down onto the ground, rolling away. Huffing, Raphael sits up and crosses his arms,

  “What, why is this 4v2? No fair, guys! Not only that but you guys have not one but three people, Anne, Lin and Damian, who literally used to compete in sports for the school!!”

  Anne rolls her eyes, looking at Damian and Lin,

  “Looks like one of y'all have to go since Raphael feels like having one of you guys would make all the difference, huh?”

  In a dramatic way, Lin raises his hand, solemnly saying,

  “I volunteer as tribute…”

  “Your sacrifice will not be in vain…”

  “So long, brave soldier…”

  Damian and Anne were playing along, saying their farewells to Lin like they would never see him again. Cleo, too, was having her fun seeing the scene play out, soft giggles escaping from her. Going over to the other side, Lin joins the other team and the group resumes their game.

  This time, Lin serves the ball, sending it flying. Darting towards it, Cleo intercepts it, hitting it in Anne's direction. Anne easily catches it as if she had rehearsed this manoeuvre with Cleo many times before, and everybody watched as it sailed just over the net, the opposing team seemingly scattered too far away to catch. But then Lin dives down, only to narrowly miss the ball by a few inches.

  “And that's two wins in a row!!”

  Anne lets out a whoop, giving high-fives to Damian and Cleo. On the other side, Raphael picks up the ball, shouting back,

  “One more game, guys, ONE MORE GAME, ONE MORE GAME!”

  Damian only smirks, staring straight into Raphael's eyes,

  “I still have yet to give it my all. Bring. It. On.”

  For the next couple of hours, they played almost competitively, lunging for and striking back the volleyball with the intention to take down the opposing team. They were playing so intensely, some players were quickly feeling the strain on their bodies.

  In between gasps of air, Milo pants out,

  “Can… we… take a break… please…!?”

=====================================

  “Good game, gang! Cheers!”

  Anne raised her can of pokka sparkling apple up high, quickly joined by the rest in the group as they all raised their cans of drinks together in a satisfying clink.

  Under the cooling shade of the pavilion, they rested, snacking on foods they had bought. The sun had risen far too high in the sky for them to even entertain the prospect of resuming their game. Sighing, Anne remarked,

  “I wish we could continue playing…”

  Damian shot Anne a glance,

  “Are you crazy? The weather would grill me!”

  Lin threw his head back and laughed,

  “Damian – grilled edition..”

  “WHAT.”

  “it's okay, I don't think anybody would wanna eat you.”

  “Should I be offended?”

  Lin shrugged his shoulders and immediately got playfully elbowed in the ribs. Meanwhile, Anne interjects, looking over Cleo's phone which was held up to her,

  “Speaking of food, are any of y'all hungry for lunch? There's a café nearby that we could visit, according to Cleo. Ooh and there's even a mall close by it too!”

  Cleo nodded her head profusely,

  “It serves good food. 4.6 stars.”

  Leaning back, Milo relaxed, putting his arms behind his head,

  “Well, I'll follow for the food. I’ll dip when you guys begin to shop since I'm too tired to walk anymore today.”

  “Are you sure?” Raphael smirks, saying in a mock tone of pity, “I suppose we'll have to play at the arcade there without you then…”

  “Actually! I'll be tagging along until we finish playing at the arcade.”

  “Oh-ho oh no, Milo, you aren't getting away so fast.” Anne wiggled an index finger at him, “We're saving the arcade right till the very end! Stick with us and help me and Cleo out with carrying heavy shopping bags, will you?”

  “W- wait! What about Raphael, Damian and Lin?!”

  “They don’t have to follow, because unlike you they didn’t try to bail out of following us to the mall!”

  “Guys help-”

  Dragged around like a ragdoll by Anne, Milo could only reach out towards the rest, trying to garner some sympathy from them. But the rest only turned away, pretending not to see him.

  “Are you kidding me- please, guys- gang..!”

=====================================

  Pushing past a rotating door, the first thing he noticed was how picturesque it was. While the appearance of the café from the outside was nothing much, with smooth white walls, the interior had something different to say. Above marble white tables, mini chandeliers hung. The walls had a shade of dusty pink to it with green ivy growing over it in some places, giving it a touch of green. By the windows, long planters with short Monsteras thrived. Overhead, there was even the occasional hanging pot, rich green stems with leaves curiously poking out.

  “Woah…” Anne breathed.

  An aesthetic sight, unique and charming in its ways greeted them. Damian knew that he was supposed to feel as stunned as his friends standing beside him. Yet, he could not help but feel slightly disappointed.

  Why? Why do I feel this way? What was I expecting?

  That question, he could answer. Because in his mind, he was in a cozy corner of a café. A café that did not flaunt its looks, being more of a humble abode that gave warmth and comfort to those looking for a place to rest. And as he leaned back, behind the counter he would see…

  Is it really the café that made me feel disappointed? Or is it the fact that I couldn't see him that made me feel disappointed?

  Damian felt a twinge of guilt in his gut.

  Everybody's enjoying their trip here now, and here I am–still thinking about the past and hopelessly chasing after those memories of him.

  I can't believe this. I can't believe myself. How rotten am I to feel this way? I hate this so much. Why can't I stop? Why can't I get over him? Why can't I just be normal?

  “Hey, Damian! What are you going to order?”

  Lin’s voice pulled him out of his thoughts. Damian blinks a few times. They had been seated at a long table for a while now, with everyone buzzing over the prices and what to order. In his hand, he had been holding onto a menu absently staring at it for the past few minutes. Now he hastily scans through it, and the first thing that caught his eye was,

  “Pancakes,”

  He did not even know why he said that. There were so many other options available and still the only one that felt right to say was pancakes. With a sigh, he leans back into his seat, trying to ease the tension in his body. As another conversation sparked between his friends again, he let their chatter distract him.

  If there was anything he had gained over the last few years, it was them. And being around them always made him feel a little better.

=====================================

  The dark coffee swirled around in his cup, light frothy bubbles gathering in the middle of the swirl as he mixed it. He frowns a little at it. Then he proceeds to add a few more pumps of vanilla, a full packet of white sugar and tops it off with whipped cream.

  “Oh my god. Do you really need that much sugar loaded in your coffee, Nate?!”

  “Well, it tastes nicer like that.”

  Unwavered, Nate brings the cup to his mouth and takes a sip, licking up a little bit of whipped cream. Opposite him, Jamison frowns a little at the cup of coffee in Nate's hands. They were seated in Nate's café and the sun had yet to rise–it was too early for customers to begin showing up. The café was completely empty and quiet except for them.

  “Your questionable way of drinking coffee aside, why'd you call me here? And so early at that…”

  “Because I… don’t know who else to talk to about this…”

  “About what?”

  Nate traces the rim of his coffee cup, as if debating whether to tell Jamison or not. Softly, he responds, voice heavy with lingering fondness,

  “Damian.”

  “...what?”

  “...I think he came back. I- I saw him the other day. I don’t know- Looking past the window of my cafe- And- And our eyes met.”

  His hands now fiddled with the edge of his apron, folding and unfolding it between his fingers.

  “I had brushed it off that day, telling myself that it couldn’t be him, though it was. You have no idea how hard it is to pretend that someone you used to truly know is no more than a passing face on the street. That all those years of experiences and memories shared between them and you now means nothing.”

  Nate runs a hand through his hair, blinking hard.

  “I was afraid. Afraid that the moment I accept that it really was him, I'd go mad and chase after him. I don't want that. It should be his choice on whether he wants to approach me or not–not mine. And he- he chose to run. To run away from me. And I should be okay with that, right? His choice? But I’m not and I don't know why.”

  Taking a few moments to let the information steep in his head, Jamison idly taps on the table, deep in thought. After a few seconds, he spoke up,

  “Do you want my honest opinion?”

  “Go on.”

  “I think you don't feel right because you're thinking too much about what Damian wants. What about you? How do you want to face Damian in the future? What do you want?”

  “I-”

  Thoughts that had laid dormant for years began to surface, one by one, each one filled with the heaviness of longing and melancholy.

  I want to go back to how it was before.

  I want to see him smile at me again.

  I want to know why he thought he was a burden.

  I want to hold him in my arms.

  I want him to stay.

  Nate swallowed; his tears, his feelings and his heart. Unconsciously, he had started biting his lip, not realising until the taste of iron began to fill his mouth.

  “The answers to those questions are ringing loud and clear in your head, aren't they? You can't always wait upon someone forever. If neither are willing to change anything at all, then will anything ever change?”

=====================================

  Back in the hotel room, Anne collapsed onto the bed with a content smile on her face. Today had been a fruitful day–visiting a decent café, shopping, playing at an arcade with friends and even deciding at the very last minute to catch a movie late into the night. Saying that she felt exhausted was an understatement. From the bathroom, Cleo's head popped out,

  “You sure you don't want to bathe first?”

  “Nah, I'm fine. I want to lay down here a little bit more.”

  Left alone with the quiet whirring of the hotel room's air conditioning again, Anne could already feel her eyes drifting closed. Until, from the corner of her eye, past the curtains, she catches a glimpse of the shimmering stars outside. Something about the way they glittered and dotted the sky was so enchanting, she found herself pushing the balcony door open to gaze at them.

  Gently, the wind caressed her hair, bringing with it the salty taste of the sea. She steps forward, eyes still fixated on the glimmering stars in the sky. It was not until she heard a noise to her right that she noticed that there was someone on the adjacent balcony, behind the wall divider that separated the two rooms.

  She leans a little past the railings, spotting Damian blankly staring into the distance.

  “Boo.”

  “ANNE! You scared me-!”

  Anne lets out a laugh, leaning her back against the railings.

  “It's really breezy out here, is it not?”

  “Right. The breeze at night is really something else. And the view, too. Really helps clear your mind.”

  “Mm. Ah, Cleo should be done by now. I’ll head back in. See you tomorrow morning!”

  “Seeya.”

  Just when she was about to slide the door to the balcony closed, she heard the sound of pills clattering in a bottle and froze. Sounds of the bottle being popped open before being snapped shut came from the balcony Damian was on. It was not until Damian’s footsteps retreated into the hotel room that she found herself able to breathe again.

  …Are those pills? But the only pills I know that Damian used to take were sleeping pills which he stopped taking a while back…? Since when did he begin to take them again…?

=====================================

森林 (Lin)

You[22:45]: Linnn

You[22:45]: Lin

You[22:46]: Lin lin lin

You[22:46]: LIIIIINNNNNNNNN

You[22:46]: lalaalalalalala linlininilinilin

森林 (Lin)[22:46]: Shut I’m trying to sleep

You[22:47]: No wait I have a very important question to ask

森林 (Lin)[22:47]: No

You[22:47]: Is Damian asleep yet

森林 (Lin)[22:47]: Yeah why

You[22:48]: Okay I just need you to help me confirm something

You[22:48]: Can you help me look around the hotel room

You[22:48]: Like is there any pill bottle or what

森林 (Lin)[22:49]: There’s one here

森林 (Lin)[22:49]: Huh

森林 (Lin)[22:49]: Didnt notice that before

You[22:50]: Yep those are sleeping pills

森林 (Lin)[22:50]: HUH?!

森林 (Lin)[22:50]: Wait ur right

You[22:50]: Okay this might be kind of a far stretch but maybe it has something to do with how Damian been acting recently

You[22:50]: Has he told you about anything that’s been worrying him of late

森林 (Lin)[22:50]: Ye

森林 (Lin)[22:51]: But I cant share about it cos it’s rlly personal to him and stuff

You[22:51]: Ah

You[22:51]: That's fine

You[22:51]: I'm just a little worried

森林 (Lin)[22:52]: It's not just you

森林 (Lin)[22:52]: I'm worried too

You[22:52]: We gotta keep an eye out for him

You[22:53]: < cat with telescope sticker >

森林 (Lin)[22:53]: < bucktooth sticker >

 

Notes:

damian has really nice friends
oh right! as mentioned on my tumblr, I've ran out of buffer chapters
this means that this fic wont have weekly updates anymore and will only be updated when I finally finish writing the chapter in real time
does this mean that the ao3 curse will finally hit me? stay tuned for more!

Chapter 14: But someday I’ll be perfect, and I’ll make up for it all

Summary:

“...Okay. I won't run anymore. I promise.”

Notes:

Chapter title from "Against the Kitchen Floor" by Will Wood!!
enjoy!!!! its the chapter you have all been waiting for!!!

 

  What are the chances?

  Dumbfounded, Damian looked ahead at the row of shops lining the streets. Although unfamiliar to his friends, it was rather familiar to him because just a few days back, he had been running along the same path. Anne had suggested that they went café hopping again, and seeing the path laid before him, Damian felt anything but enthusiastic.

  He was haunted. Haunted by a past he thought he could leave behind. No matter how much he tried to break away, he still appeared in between passing thoughts and daydreams. And now, he was once again going to appear before his eyes again. A heavy feeling lurked in Damian's gut. Whether it was guilt built up from the years, or dread, he did not know. Neither did he want to know.

  As much as he wanted to run, he did not want to alert his friends. Knowing them, they would undoubtedly confront him about it, perhaps even comfort him a little. That, he did not want. The matter of his past history with him was a scar he wanted to pent up.

  So he continued along, trying his best to calm the way his body uncontrollably began to shake. The way his hands began to tremble. The way it felt harder and harder to breathe. Until finally-

  “Guys, I-”

  “ALRIGHT! Change of plans, everyone!! The café seems closed today so we're switching over to another one!”

  Anne's voice broke past his, and a wave of relief washed over him.

  “Sorry, Damian? You were saying?”

  “It's nothing.”

  Pulling a smile, Damian hoped that it was enough to convince Anne that everything was going well. Maybe even to convince himself that everything was going perfectly fine. And it worked–or so he thought.

  “Why did you change the café location?”

  “Because it was closed?”

  Now a rage began to boil in Damian as he held out his phone screen to Anne's face. Right there, was the café they were supposed to go to. Nate's café. And in the subtext, the words ‘open’ were spelt in an almost mocking manner. Anne's eyes skimmed over the contents on his phone. Just so subtly, he noticed the way her eyes frantically averted towards Lin.

  Oh. So that's what happened, huh?

  Damian tilts his head, glaring straight into Lin’s eyes. He jolts up in surprise, eyes blowing wide before giving a nervous grin. Damian watched, as Lin made his way towards the back of the group where Anne and Damian were at.

  They walked in a silence pulled taut for a few moments, until Damian was sure that the group ahead was far enough to not hear their conversation.

  “So, Lin…why?”

  “O-kay, to be fair, I never told Anne about anything in the first place. Not even a word about what you were dealing with by coming back here. She just put two and two together and figured it out herself, though she doesn't know exactly what's troubling you.”

  “I just…noticed that something wasn't right ever since we've arrived here...I'm sorry. I just thought it'd be better if I did what I could do to not stress you out, Damian.”

  “You don't just change your plans just because of me. I'm fine.”

  “You aren't!”

  “I am. If you guys truly cared, then maybe just-”

  Damian stops mid-sentence. Maybe just keep it to yourself. He pursed his lips, swallowing his words back down.

  “Whatever,” he murmured, “It doesn't matter since you guys already know. If you want to do something about it, just steer clear of that café.”

  With that, he turns around, walking ahead without waiting for them.

=====================================

  A heavy feeling settled down in her gut. Looking at Damian's retreating back, Anne exchanged glances with Lin.

  “...We messed up.”

  “No shit.”

  “Well- then, what should we do about this?”

  “We leave him and that café alone, like what he said.”

  “...doesn't that feel wrong to you?”

  “Pushing him further feels wrong to me.”

  “...”

  She saw where Lin was coming from. But still, a part of her couldn't help but feel uneasy about leaving the matter be.

=====================================

  Now he finds himself by the balcony again, staring into the distance. A full day packed with activities had passed, but it mostly felt like a blur. Mayhap it was the effects of being in the city, but the guilt filled thoughts were getting the better of him as of late. Damian wasn't sure if his friends, save for Anne and Lin, had noticed the changes in his behaviour of late but it was getting easier and easier for him to feel agitated and distressed.

  He had been counting down the days to the end of the getaway. Tomorrow. Tomorrow was when he would be freed and when everything could finally return back to normal. Anne and Lin would never bring up a topic that hit close to home again. He would never have to think of him again. He would never come back here again. He would never see him again.

  Rather than joy, thinking about that only left a bitter taste in his mouth. To want to part, yet yearn to stay–his mind and heart tugged in opposing directions.

  Running a hand through his hair, he exhales, closing his eyes and trying to shut everything out. And of course at that moment, he noticed someone else on the adjacent balcony too.

   So now I can't be alone. Great. Just great.

  Turning his back, he began pulling away, walking towards the doors back to his room.

  “...Damian.”

  The voice from the other side called out for him but his hand was already on the handle of the door.

  “Are you… Are you running away from your problems?”

  Now that made him stop. He lunges back towards the railings of the balcony, peering past the section separating them to glare at Anne in the eye.

  “What do you mean by that?”

  “I mean- that's how it looks to me right now. The pills, the avoiding that café for whatever reason, the way you looked ready to take off on your heels at any given moment the entire course of this trip…”

  “...”

  “It's in human nature to run and avoid things that make us feel threatened. But do you think it's wrong to run?”

  “What are you getting at?”

  “Some people run to avoid danger and others run simply because they don't wish to face something they know they'll eventually have to face. So my question to you is this: Do you think you're running away for the right reasons?”

  “...”

  The right reasons, huh…I…I ran to get out of his life. Was that…right? To end it off like that? He's living a good life now, except he has completely changed his dream career. Is it because of me…? Is it that no matter how much I try to rid myself from his life, somehow he still gets dragged down…because of me?

  I've never ran away for the right reasons.

  I owe him an apology. An actual one. It's something I should've done years back. Something I should've done from the very beginning.

  Something about Anne's words stuck him true. He opens his mouth, almost spilling the truth surging from within him, before hastily shutting it out. Taking a deep breath, he looks at Anne one last time before turning back to his room.

=====================================

  That determination that had filled him just minutes ago seemed to have all been drained out of him now as he stood in front of the café. Streetlamps casted long shadows in the quietude of the night, with the occasional car passing by the road behind him. Within the café, the lights were all out, except for a doorway deep within the café casting long shadows on the many chairs and tables.

  Just as his mind began to wander and doubt the information online about the café’s closing times, he spotted movement, soon accompanied by a figure coming out of the doorway. It was too dark to make out features, but he already knew who it was. Heart pounding louder in his chest now, for a split second, he wondered if he should turn and flee.

  The figure stops, turning around. It pauses, as if taking him in. And then it begins to move, making its way towards where Damian was–right outside the café door. And Damian simply stood there in a daze, his legs feeling too heavy to budge.

  Slowly, as the figure moved under the streetlamps casting long shadows onto the street, he could make out soft pastel yellow hair glowing under the lights. Taking a tentative step forwards, he found himself straining his eyes with a yearning to see his but something in him whispered,

  I can't. I shouldn't. I don't deserve this.

  It tugged him backwards into the shadows, making him bow his head in shame. He could hear footsteps–louder now–and finally, it came to a stop in front of him. So many years, and for the first time in a while, he finally gets to see him.

  What should I say? What should I do?

  Suddenly his mind goes blank. That long script of excuses and apologies he had rehearsed in his mind along the way crumbled away in an instant. With a shaky breath, Damian steps back, the silence between them more deafening than ever. Between them there was a wall that had been built over the years. A wall built upon feelings that were never said, lives led apart, and the long forgotten fragments of memories of what they used to be. And all he could muster was an apology.

  “I'm sorry.”

  A measly two words. He wondered if Nate heard the slight break in his voice at the end. He wondered if Nate would be mad at him. He wondered what expression Nate was making on his face right then. For a few seconds, they stood in silence, and Damian noticed that not once had he heard Nate speak at all.

  He could hear Nate take a sharp inhale before taking a step towards him. A hand lifts, but it wasn't his, it was Nate's. Anxiety spiked within Damian as he stiffened. His heart pounded too loudly in his ears. Screwing his eyes shut, he braced himself, willing to accept whatever that may come his way. But nothing pelts his way. Not a punch, a slap nor a berate.

  Instead, a gentle touch coaxes his turned head to turn back again. He shivers in place, the presence in front of him all too heavy, all too much. A hand caresses the side of his face, wiping away stray tears he hadn't noticed were falling down. And so tenderly, in a sweet voice he knew all too well,

  “Open your eyes, Damian.”

  In acquiescence, his eyes open, but he keeps his head firmly bowed down to his feet. Once again, Nate's tender touch brushes past his cheek down to his chin, bringing his face to his. Eyes meeting clear blue ones, a breath catches in Damian’s throat. And just slightly, a soft smile on Nate's face accompanied those pitying eyes.

  “Whyever are you crying?”

  With the back of his arm, Damian clumsily tried to wipe his tears away, only for Nate to grab onto it.

  “Wait. Don't use your arm. Come into the café, alright? I've got tissues.”

  “...”

  Nate tugs onto Damian's arm a little but Damian does not move.

  “...Why?”

  “Huh?”

  “I don't understand. Why aren't you mad at me?”

  “Should I be?”

  “...yes. I don't deserve any of this. So why are you-?”

  “Listen, Damian. How I feel and how I want to act isn't for you to dictate. Now come on in, so you can wash those tears away.”

  Nate tugs onto Damian's arm again and this time he lets himself follow him into the café.

  With Nate guiding him to the bathroom in the café, it made Damian felt…like he did not belong. Not in this city, not in this café and not by Nate's side like this. Because somewhere along the three years, Nate had erased him from his life. Who was he for stepping back into it again? And what was Nate doing, letting him in?

  Even now, after washing his face, Nate was offering him tissues. Hesitatingly, he took them.

  “...Do you not have anything else to say to me?”

  “...later. Let's talk about that later. Please. And don't run away from me this time either.”

  Nate's eyes were glistening, brimming full of tears. Maybe it was out of pity or guilt, but Damian heard himself speaking before he could process himself saying it,

  “...Okay. I won't run anymore. I promise.”

  So in the café they sat, in one of the seats by the window with a view of the street outside bathed in the glow of moonlight and dim streetlamps. Between them, there were now two steaming cups of coffee and a silence in the space drowned out by the presence of the other.

  Damian knew not how long it had been since he last felt so at ease around someone else again. Someone who knows him more than he knows himself, someone he would let his guard down around and someone who has seen him for who he truly is. And yet, he had pushed that someone away. Still, that someone welcomed him back. He wondered what Nate was thinking of now. Was there really not a shred of hatred behind those reassuring and warm smiles of his?

  He watched carefully, observing the way Nate reached for his coffee, trying to catch any tremble, tension, stiffness in his movements to prove that it was forced, that he had been seeing things wrong all along.

  Nate brings the cup of coffee to his lips, before abruptly stopping and setting it down. Then, picking up three packets of sugar, he rips them all open with one quick tug, pouring them down. As if that wasn't enough, he got up and reappeared from the kitchen later, vanilla syrup in hand. Smiling sheepishly, he holds up the syrup,

  “I almost forgot about the best part of the coffee!”

  ...But even after so many years, some things just never change, huh?

  A smile blooms across Damian's face as he teases Nate endearingly,

  “That doesn't even make it coffee anymore, you dummy.”

 

Notes:

sorry this took so long!! I'm in the middle of my prelim exams rn and in a few weeks I'll have to face the final boss!!! oh no!!!

Notes:

lets join hands and thank for the existence of damian and nate in this world praise be yaoi praise eevee yao