Pushing It Down and Praying

by Garflover4real

Summary:

I follow him carefully to his bedroom, my shoes faltering on the hardwood. ‘What I would give to live in a house like this one’

He leads me up the stairs, glancing back at me as we travel upwards. We walk down a short hallway until-

“Here we are,” he says with a smile.

The door creaks open gently, an invitation. I stay in the hallway as he sits on the bed, expectantly. He said his parents aren't home, but I survey the hallway until I deem it safe.

‘No one saw.’

I approach Chance unsteady, lips trembling, heart in my throat. He doesn't seem to notice.

Notes:

‘What’s his motive? Lucas has said he’s one of the good ones, right?’

Chapter 1: Reckless Driving

I didn't mean to kiss you

I mean I did, but I didn't think it'd go this far

 

The lunchroom is packed today. Mike, Dustin and I are sitting in our usual spot in the corner, El and Max sitting at the opposite table engrossed in their own conversation. I’m helping Mike with his Spanish 3 class, asking him the prompts on the cards with my decent speaking ability, when Mike says in English, “Man, this Spanish test is gonna kick my ass.” Mike wallows in his self-pity, burying his head against the leftover flashcards in his hands.

“When is Spanish not kicking your ass?” Dustin comments, right when I say, “Come on Mike. It’s not that bad. Let's try again.”

Mike glares at Dustin, then with a lighter look says to me, “Okay, yeah. You’re right.” He pauses to sigh, then says, "What would I do without my favorite tutor?” Mike gives me a sincere smile. I feel redness grow on my face at his words. ‘Get it together, Will.’

“Fail?” Dustin quips with a self-satisfied look, fork in hand. It turns into a grimace as he feels Mike stomp on his shoe. “Hey! Am I wrong?”

I tune out the rest of their bickering, sensing something. Feeling watched, I turn my head to the side. I vaguely recognize the eyes looking back at me. I glance at the rest of the people at the table, spotting Lucas next to the person staring. ‘Chance,’ It hits me.

Every Friday, Lucas sat with his basketball friends, Chance being one of them. My eyes bounce between Chance and Lucas, unable to maintain eye contact with his heavy stare. My eyebrows furrow. ‘Why is he looking at me like that?’

He abruptly looks away as one of the other Basketball players says something to him. I decide to do the same. ‘Weird.’

 

I didn't mean to kiss you

Now you can't focus on the road when I'm in your car

 

I listen to the rest of Mike and Dustin's dispute until the bell rings.

“Saved by the bell!” Is what Dustin ends on. As we all grab our bags and Mike packs up his study gear, I feel eyes on me again. I try to ignore them as we walk to our lockers, but it ends up a difficult feat when I hear the recognizable voice of Lucas behind us.

“Yeah dude, I’m not sure. Christian Academy has definitely gotten better over the years. I’m kinda freaked for this upcoming game.” Chance nods in reply.

The two of them catch up as we make it to our destination. Chance leans his side against the wall, waiting for something.

“Hey guys,” Lucas acknowledges, turning the pad of the lock on his locker.

“Hey man.” Mike responds, fiddling with his own lock.

I would give a comment back, but I’m struck by the same eyes from earlier still staring. Goosebumps raise on my neck. ‘Creepy.’ I think, opening up my locker to grab a canvas and some other things for my upcoming art class.

 

Now we're going 100

Your hands aren't on the wheel

'Cause you're just staring at me like you're not convinced that I am real

 

I’m spun up in my thoughts when Mike's soothing voice hits my ears. “Hey, Will. I’ll see you later, okay?” I glance at Mike's slightly concerned look and give him a reassuring one. “See you later,” I wave goodbye.

I hear the rest of them make their exits. I’m stuck juggling all my supplies, when a note appears on the shelf in front of my face. I turn my head to the culprit, seeing him walk away after shooting me a discreet wink. ‘Okay, that's Really Weird.’ My curiosity gets the best of me. I set my stuff back down with a sigh, reading the note with wide eyes.

 

Byers,

Meet me after school Picnic table

behind the school at 2:30

                                     -Chance

 

I go through the rest of the day slightly paranoid. ‘Why the hell does he want to meet up with me?’ I ask myself during final period. I thought back to the last few years. After Lucas made it with the popular kids and I came back with a sweet tan and cool stories from California, the bullying dialed down by a lot. Yeah, there are still lingering rumors, but I haven't been pushed or shoved in maybe 2 years. ‘What’s his motive? Lucas has said he’s one of the good ones, right?’

Once the last bell of the day rings, I’ve made my decision. ‘Really, what’s the worst that could happen?’ I walk out of the building, backpack on, picking the paint flakes left on my nails from earlier. ‘That one’s gonna stain,’ I think.

I grab my bike and guide it through the grass, then find the trail that leads to the Picnic table. Nervously staring at the ground, I prepare myself for what's to come. ‘Here goes nothing I guess.’

As I trek down the path, I spot the table in the clearing. ‘Empty.’

I prop up my bike on a tree and then check my watch. ‘2:30’ it says. ‘I guess i’ll wait..’

It’s 2:35 when I hear the rustling of a bush. “Byers, you showed,” Chance says casually, hands shoved in his lettermen's' pockets

“Uh. Yeah. What is this about?” I try to respond the same, but I’m unable to hide my nervous energy.

“Nothing much. I just have a favor to ask.” ‘Favor?'

“What kind of favor? Do you need, like, a tutor or something?” I think back to mike because when am I not.

He chuckles, shaking his head “Uh, no, nothing like that.” He’s playful in his reply. I grow more confused.

Picking at the paint again, I finally get out, “Then.. What is it?”

There's a pause, then a breath, and then Chance says something I’d never expected. “I just wanted to see if the rumors were true” I feel the blood leave my face. We are enveloped in silence; the only sound is the wind swaying the trees.

Wanting to escape the silence, I say, “What?” quite enough I’m afraid he can’t hear me.

“The rumors. Are they true?” He appears careless, but I can tell from his surveying that he’s just as nervous as I am.

“I don’t know what you're talking about,” Is what I say, even if I definitely do.

“You’re gay, right? Look man, I won't tell anyone.” Chance still looks around nervously, then, “I’m kind of... In the same boat.”

“You’re, you’re what?” The blood comes back to my face. ‘What did he just say?’ “That's what this is about. I figured if anybody, you at least, might understand.” He looks at the ground, ashamed.

“Oh,”

“Yeah.”

Silence. Very awkward silence.

I decide to be the one to break it. “So, the favor... What. what do you mean?” I grow nervous again. Chance makes me uneasy even with the reveal. A favor could mean a lot of things.

“I was thinking. Maybe you would want to, I don't know, come over or something. My parents shouldn’t be home for a couple hours. Nobody would find out,”

‘I’m going insane. Some sort of wizard must have cast a spell on me, and this is some kind of fucked up vision.’

“Look. I know this is weird. But I figured you might be up for it. Y'know, being one of the only rumored queers in town. It’s not like you try to hide it” Okay, I should say no, especially with that last comment.

But then he says,

“Just think about it. When's the next time you'll get some action like this?” And he has a point. Before today, I had felt completely alone. The only gay guy in Hawkins.

 

And now we're at 180

And I can finally see

But then it's over in a second, crashed the car into the tree

 

I’m desperately trying to get over Mike. Maybe this is my chance. ‘Ha. Chance.’

After much debating, I say, “Okay.” If Chance is surprised, he doesn’t show it.

“Okay.” He looks at me with that weird stare again. ‘Maybe this is a mistake. I mean, I still don’t know what he wants from me besides coming over.’

“Just kissing, alright? I’m not. I don’t want to do anything else.” Chance looks surprised by that, not expecting me to say his motives out loud.

“Yeah, sure. We can just make out.”

“Cool”

“Uh huh. Yeah. Just,” Chance looks over to the bike

“Bike over in about 30. Leave it on the side of the house behind the bushes. I don’t want anyone to see.”

“Sure.”

 

Y eah, I can see it all happen

You'd rather die than take your eyes off me

 

“Okay,” Chance walks up to me, looks around paranoid, then grabs my face quick. I have no time to think before his lips hit mine. My eyes are left open in shock. ‘My first kiss.’

“I’ll see you, yeah?” He backs up, looking sheepish. He hands me a paper from his pocket with his address and a short description of his house. I’m stunned but manage to get out a short, “Yeah.”

He leaves quickly through the bushes, and I’m left with my sentiments. ‘What just happened?’

I stand there for I don’t know how long. I realize I need to get going before I lose precious time. I look at the address one more time before grabbing my bike and heading to his house. On the way, my internal monologue is a mess.

‘What if someone finds out? Bad idea. This is a BAD IDEA. Do I even like Chance like that? I don’t even know the guy all that much. I mean, he is attractive. With his dark hair, tan skin, and lean muscles. Okay, definitely attractive. But Mike… What the hell do you mean, ‘but mike,’? You are trying to GET OVER HIM. There is no way he likes you like that. I mean, he dated El freshman year! He’s straight as an arrow,'

‘Finally.'

I see his house standing tall in the middle of the neighborhood. It towers over me as I approach. I slip off of my bike and quickly tuck it in the bushes next to the house. I make a brisk walk to the front door, ringing once and glancing around at the rest of the houses.

 

I don't love you like that

I'm a careful driver

And I tell you all the time to keep your eyes on the road

But you love me like that

You're a reckless driver

And one day it'll kill us if I don't let go

 

Chance answers, pulling me in fast, and glances around in the same manner. Then he closes the door and locks us in.

“Hey Byers. Long time no see.” He shoots me a wink.

“Uh, yeah, sure.” I give a small laugh. He chuckles back.

“Alright, this way.”

Notes:

Hi!!! Thank you so much for reading!
This is technically my first fic! I originally uploaded the first 3 chapters to Tumblr, and a lot of people liked it, so I figured I'd try my luck here as well! Also cross posting is always a good idea lol. Anywayyys, please lmk what you think! i'm open to constructive criticism as well as supportive comments!!

I'm still trying to get this finished and do not have an upload schedule, but will try to get the 4th chapter out soon!

Please leave kudos if you liked this! Thank you sm ❤️

Chapter 2: Pushing It Down and Praying

Summary:

‘Isn’t this what you wanted? To feel loved?’ my brain asks. ‘It doesn’t feel like love.’ my heart supplied

I love him, kiss his mouth, prayin'..

He can't see what I see

 

I follow him carefully to his bedroom, my shoes faltering on the hardwood. ‘What I would give to live in a house like this one’

He leads me up the stairs, glancing back at me as we travel upwards. We walk down a short hallway until- 

“Here we are,” he says with a smile. The door creaks open gently, an invitation. I stay in the hallway as he sits on the bed, expectantly. He said his parents aren't home, but I survey the hallway until I deem it safe. ‘No one saw.’

I approach Chance unsteady, lips trembling, heart in my throat. He doesn't seem to notice. I walk up to the space between his legs, unsure of where to put my hands. 

He grabs my waist, ‘I guess he knows where to put his.’ and smirks up at me. He opens his mouth, seemingly about to say something. I finally rest my hands on his shoulders, right next to his dark brown hair. He doesn’t say anything though.

 

When I close my eyes..

You replace him

 

Suddenly his mouth is on mine. It’s warm, almost tantalizing, but my mind is somewhere else. Somewhere with darker hair, kinder eyes, rosier lips. ‘Focus Will, who knows when you’ll get another opportunity like this’ 

I try to kiss back. It’s uncomfortable, with teeth clashing and too much tongue. ‘I wish he were someone else’

His hands push up my shirt, appearing to search for something. I pull away fast. “What are you doing?” I ask.

“Woah, calm down. I was just trying to spice things up.” He dismissed me. I look in his eyes, and now I'm the one searching. I can't find anything.

“You said.. Just kissing. Nothing else.” is my shaky reply

“We are kissing” is his solid one

“But-”

“Look, if you aren’t ready for this, just say that. But good luck finding anyone else.” he says unbothered, leaning back on the mattress lazily.

 

Wearin' no disguise..

You erase him

 

I sit with that. He’s right and I know it. By the smug look on his face, he knows that I’ve caught up. “So?” It hits me like freezing water. 

“Okay.” I move back to where I was, maybe even closer. He raises back up and puts his hands back in their place. I move mine into his hair, tugging lightly. I realize the stakes. ‘I’m a queer in Indiana. This is the best I'm gonna get. Even if I want something more’

I try to distract myself from the nausea and use the thoughts of my best friend to my advantage. “Somewhere else, somewhere else, somewhere else.. someone else.”

His lips are back on mine.

 

I wanna feel guilty,

I wanna feel that it's wrong,

I wanna know peace again,

Wanna sing a different song..

 

I imagine his sharp face, his soft voice, his careful hands. If they were his, maybe it wouldn’t feel so wrong. Or maybe it would feel worse. Yeah, worse. ‘Focus’

‘But would it?-’

“Hey” a voice unlike the one i’m thinking of interrupts my thoughts. It's deeper, sharp like chipped wood. 

“Yeah?” 

“You wanna-”

A phone rings in the distance, coming from downstairs.

“Oh shit, give me a minute, yeah?”

And he’s gone

Left standing there with my thoughts, the disgust festers.

‘Isn’t this what you wanted? To feel loved?’ my brain asks

‘It doesn’t feel like love,’ my heart supplied ‘you know what love feels like.’

I keep imagining him even without the counterfeit versions' presence.

‘I’d rather never have Mike in that way than kiss a guy that kind of looks like him. ’

 

I want you to need me

I need to want somethin' more

He gives what he can

But now I don't know what he's givin' for.

 

Next thing I know, I’m out the door.

Notes:

ahhhh this chapter and the next is a lot shorter than the last one but trust the process!! ❤️

Chapter 3: Ceillings

Summary:

'Okay, it’s over. You need to stop thinking of him. Clearly romance is completely off the table for you anyways.'

Ceilings, plaster,
Can't you just make it move faster?
Lovely to be sitting here with you
You're kinda cute, but it's..

I quickly make my way down the stairs, hoping he won’t see me. Of course, as I turn the corner, there he is, furrowed brows scrutinizing me. I try to catch my breath so as to not be suspicious. He just stares harder, waiting for something. I give him what I think he wants.

“Uh-um, who was that?” I ask, now winded from anxiety. ‘Nice job Will, not suspicious at all”

“Just my mom. Said she’d be home in an hour.” He’s still staring me down. Then accusingly, “Where were you going?”

I glance at the floor quickly, ‘Think, Will’

“Um, my mom, she said, uh, to be home around now. I’ve gotta get going” I finally force out.

He continues to stare, studying me like an anomaly. He looks almost dangerous. ‘I need to leave. Now.”

“Yeah, okay. I’ll see you.” he says apprehensively. ‘Finally.’

I turn away from him, grabbing my bag from the floor next to the front door. As I start to feel safe, Chance speaks up.

“And Byers? Don’t tell anyone about today. They won’t believe you anyways.” The words flow like steel. Cold, hard, and final.

 

Raining, harder,

My shoes are now full of water
Lovely to be rained on with you
It's kinda cute, but it's..

 

“W- wasn’t planning on it.” I stammer out. At long last, I pass through the threshold. The fresh Spring air feels nice on my lungs, smoothing out my nervous breaths. ‘Is that why he was acting so weird? He thought I’d out him?’

Shaking my head, I make my way around the side of the house to where I put my bike. Something about Chance not wanting ‘anyone to see,’ or whatever. ‘This was such a mistake. Chance, one of the most popular guys at Hawkins High, afraid of me outing him? When I'm already the town queer? Yeah, right.’

I mount my bike and head out of the neighborhood. The uneasy feeling comes back while I listen to the sound of tires against pavement. I can’t help my thoughts from wondering. Thoughts of what happened, thoughts of what might happen, but mostly, thoughts of Mike.

His slim frame shadowed by his protective nature. The way he takes care of everyone in the party. His kindness accompanied with slight pettiness. Imperfectly perfect.  ‘Mike wouldn’t hide me. Hell, he’d force me into his car and take me home himself.’

Mike and his new car. He got his permit right after his 16th birthday, and then 6 months later got his license. Of course, with the Wheeler's middle-class status, that came with a new car. Mike was always trying to find excuses to drive me around.

 

So short,
Then you're driving me home
And I don't wanna leave
But I have to go..
You kiss me in your car,
And it feels like the start of a movie I've seen before,
Before..

 

I bike up my driveway, slowing to a stop as I near the porch. Letting out a sigh, I park my bike next to the porch, then make my way inside. Closing the door behind me, my shoulders sink as the melancholy sets in. 'Okay, it’s over. You need to stop thinking of him. Clearly romance is completely off the table for you anyways'

But as I find my bed and sink onto the sheets, staring at the ceiling, I think of what has been. Shared looks, a protective arm on my shoulders, consoling each other in our worst times.

‘He doesn’t see it that way’

 

Touch me like nobody else does,
Lovely to just lay here with you..
You're kinda cute, and I would say all of this,
But I don't wanna ruin the moment
Lovely to sit between comfort and chaos

 

Regardless, I think of what it would feel like to actually be with Mike. It wouldn’t be like Chance and I. No predatory smiles always asking for more. Only beaming looks and sweet whispers of our plans for the future. We would look into each other's eyes and find the secrets of the universe. 

 

But it's over
Then you're driving me home,
And it kinda comes out
As I get up to go
You kiss me in your car,
And it feels like the start of a movie I've seen before

 

‘But that's not the truth. It’s not the reality’ I tell myself.

 

But it's not real
And you don't exist
And I can't recall the last time I was kissed
It hits me in the car
And it feels like the end of a movie I've seen before
Before-

Suddenly a static voice from my walkie juts out, “Will, do you copy? Over” 

I quickly pick myself up from my bed, striding to my desk where I last used my walkie.

“Mike? What’s up? Over” 

“You wanna come over to my place and hangout? I can pick you up. Over.”

Notes:

okay this is all I have finished for now, but trust i'm gonna update soon. I have maybe 1/4th of chapter 4 done!!! love you all