Chapter Text
Lissie woke up alone.
She allowed herself to cry for several minutes, sobs that shook her entire body and each one ripped a little more at the malignant mass of emotions growing in her chest.
Then she got up and commenced her morning routine, ignoring the persistent ache between her legs. She showered, brushed her teeth, straightened her hair and put on her makeup. Foundation and concealer covered her red eyes and the single, precious developing love bite on her collarbone – and if one could ignore the downturned mouth and dull eyes, she looked perfectly normal.
She leaned over her unmade bed to pick up her phone, and when her eyes caught the faint depression on the mattress and the messy evidence of the night before on the sheets, she froze. A light whiff of heart-wrenchingly familiar cologne reached her nose; she had to turn away before her stomach purged.
Her kitchen was empty as she knew it would be. The coat rail only held her jacket and a cream sweater Xavier had left behind the last time they had dinner together. Her shoe rack was empty, and the guest slippers were folded neatly at the back as if they had never been used at all.
The crime scene had been wiped clean, but not her. He couldn’t erase what they’d done from her body, and certainly not from her heart. She pressed a hand hard against the bruise on her clavicle and squeezed her thighs together. The pain grounded her.
The idea of cooking breakfast was beyond her capacity, but she peeled and choked down a banana while her coffee was brewing. She checked her messages; sent perfunctory morning greetings to her friends, including a stern warning to Rafayel that she knew he was still awake painting and told him to go to bed. She confirmed with Zayne the time of her next cardiac check-up. She sent a horrified emoji to Xavier’s picture of burnt pastries. She agreed to meet Tara for breakfast before work on Monday. She sent Nicole a meme as she always did.
Then Lissie put down her phone and buried her face in her hands.
They hadn’t used a condom, and she wasn’t on birth control because there had never been any reason to be. She’d have to get the morning-after pill. How… how did she do that? Should she ask Tara? Would Tara even know? Nicole probably would. But they would both ask questions, and she knew that if someone showed her the slightest amount of sympathy right now, she would shatter into thousands of jagged pieces.
She went back on her phone and an internet search later, had a plan. She carefully didn’t think about how she always imagined her first time would be, with happiness and love and perhaps a little laughter, followed by cooking breakfast interspersed with sweet kisses. Warm eyes and gentle hands, with shared responsibility in the aftermath.
She carefully didn’t think about the ugly, inevitable eruption of overwhelming tension; how her body drowned in pleasure yet her heart yearned unfulfilled, longing for the other to meet it halfway, only to crack the moment she heard the words ‘mistake’ and ‘I’m so sorry, pip.’ The sickening feeling of not being good enough.
After a lifetime of being his priority, provided for, and cared for, abrupt solitude left her exposed and cold.
Her hands were shaking.
Grandma’s name flashed on the screen and after a deep, shuddering breath, she confirmed she was still coming over for lunch.
Her fingers clenched into a fist.
The fingerprint lock chirped in confirmation and disengaged, letting her step into the house she grew up in.
“Grandma, I’m home!” She called out, tone carefully light.
She had practiced on the walk from the metro station, probably looking insane as she did, until she was confident her sharp-eyed grandmother wouldn’t pick up on her fragility.
“Sweetie, it’s so good to see you!”
Josephine had been poring over the newspaper in her chair but stood up when she heard her voice with a warm smile, drawing her into an embrace. Lissie breathed in the floral perfume clinging to her cardigan and the scent of camphor wood – Grandma must have been going through the memory chest again. Although taller now, she took several seconds of childlike comfort in the hug before parting with the most cheerful expression she could manage to make look real.
Josephine patted her cheek. “I’ve missed you, Amaryllis. I know you’ve been very busy since you became a hunter, but perhaps a video call?”
Lissie sighed. “I know, I’m sorry. It’s been… a lot.”
“I understand, you don’t have to apologise. The start of any career is an exciting time! I’ll accept whatever you can spare me.”
“I’ll make time for you, I promise.”
“Thank you, sweetie. I only worry…” Josephine trailed off, her eyes flickering keenly over Lissie’s face, “… Is something wrong?”
“No! Nothing, I just… didn’t sleep too well,” She took a deep breath through her nose and quickly changed the topic, “Something smells good; is it roast pork?”
“No doubt – he knows we’ve missed his cooking-“
Lissie braced herself, just in time as Caleb appeared from the kitchen with three steaming bowls that he quickly placed on the table.
His DAA fatigues fit him as perfectly as they did the day before when he had stood in her doorway, showing the fitness he had developed as an active pilot. The fitness that she explored and felt under her hands as he breathed so heavily, she feared he was hyperventilating. His dark hair was tousled, like it had been when she tugged it between her fingers as he kissed down her bare chest, startling a groan from him that vibrated through her skin. Yet now he was almost wan, more so than she had ever seen.
And there was no treasured violet. Even as he spoke, he didn’t look her once in the eye.
“Gran was telling me about you going on about my braised pork – I couldn’t leave my best girls hanging.”
Lissie swallowed and forced a smile. She didn’t go for her usual hug. It… last night was a mistake to him, but she couldn’t take him pushing her away right now. Being confronted with his disgust in the light of day might just be too much.
“C-Caleb! You’re a day early, I didn’t think I’d see you until tomorrow at least.”
Two days early, and a night lost to time and rejection. Should she consider herself lucky that he was still happy to talk to her like it never happened?
He laughed, but the very fringes of the sound were odd.
“Nothing wrong with coming home early to spend some time with you and Gran, right?”
“… No… nothing wrong.”
An awkward pause, while Josephine folded up her newspaper in the background.
“Wash your hands, pip-squeak. Let’s eat.”
The pork smelled absolutely delicious, a meal she’d craved for weeks and yet she barely managed three bites, instead carefully folding portions into her napkin when Josephine looked away. She didn’t bother to hide it from Caleb, and if he saw, he never called her out.
She wondered bitterly if he would even care and ignored how much she wanted to cry again over the way everything had completely tanked- no. No. Not here. She chose to voice the concern she had before all of this mess.
“How are you feeling, Grandma? Any more headaches?”
“I’m still waiting to hear back from the specialist, but the doctor is certain I’m on the right medication. I’ll be fine, I don’t want you worrying over me, flower.”
“Of course I worry! The doctor said you might be hospitalised for observation, are you sure the meds will be enough?”
“You know I hate the hospital, it’s so crowded and noisy. Besides, I’d only be doing the same thing as I’m doing here, waiting. I might as well do it at home.”
“… Being a worrywart? You can rely on me to handle the family stuff.”
Lissie’s grip on her chopsticks flexed at Caleb’s voice and she turned her head in his general direction without looking at him.
“I already submitted an application form for a long-term care ward. It’s safe and quiet, everything’s been taken care of.”
Lissie blinked and a sudden surge of rage had her meeting his eyes for the first time that day.
“What? When did this happen, and why didn’t you tell me?” She snapped, and could tell the abrupt shift in tone had taken him by surprise.
Josephine sighed. “Caleb, decisive as always. I’m not sure about the place you chose, but I know I’ve been struggling lately. Accepting that I’m losing my independence is…”
She sighed again.
“Don’t be angry with him, sweetie. I’ve been considering it for a while.”
“That doesn’t mean he can keep it from me.” She countered, and had to bite her lip when he rolled his eyes.
“Someone had to make the decision, pip-squeak-“
“Yes, and we all know how sound your decisions are. Be careful you aren’t making a mistake.”
The moment the words were out, she wished she could pull them back in again, keep the vitriol contained where it couldn’t hurt anyone.
His flinch would haunt her in the months that followed.
An alert on her Hunter’s Watch couldn’t have come sooner, but it seemed the universe felt she didn’t deserve any respite today.
“You didn’t need to come with me.”
“… I’m going to the store to get vinegar, pip.”
“Yeah.”
They walked in silence, Lissie glancing around for any sign of the Metaflux source while remaining extremely conscious of Caleb’s stiff form beside her. His hand kept fidgeting with the zip on his pocket, and she could feel his gaze scorch her cheek.
Ahead, the corner store appeared. She turned away without a word to continue her patrol down the street.
“Lis-“
Something brushed her shoulder, but she drew back and turned with a poisonous glare.
“Don’t touch me!”
He yanked back his outstretched hand, his mouth open and a deep furrow in his brow. His lower lip trembled like he didn’t know what to say.
This was the man she loved beyond reason, the man she had loved since she was a shy eleven and he a mere gangly, spotty thirteen. But the Caleb who left her last night, the Caleb who hadn’t even asked if she was okay…
Had she ever truly known him at all?
“I’m going to keep investigating. Do not follow me.”
“Pip-squeak-“
“And stop calling me that!” She spat out, striding away before he even moved towards the shop.
She couldn’t look back or her shame would be permanent. He would see the tear that escaped from her right eye and know exactly how much she was hurting – for the first time, she didn’t trust him to comfort her. Turning the corner to loop back to her grandmother’s house, she angrily brushed it away and forced herself to keep scanning for Metaflux.
It took close to ten minutes to pick up another flare and only one more to catch sight of the suspicious man lurking between two homes. His evol sliced into her forearm as he ran, and although the wound didn’t slow her down, he vanished into a side lane.
She fished out the small first aid kit she kept in her handbag at Zayne’s behest and swiftly wrapped a clean bandage around the cut to stem the bleeding. Hopefully, it wasn’t deep enough to need stitches. She’d need to look up a few things about these explosions on the Association’s network when she got back to work.
“Are you- Lissie, are you injured?”
Like his voice broke a blanket of silence, she could suddenly hear his approaching footsteps as he jogged closer.
“It’s nothing.”
“Did someone hurt you-“
“And why would you care if they did?” She cut him off, shoving the kit away without bothering to fully close it.
Caleb blinked several times, before his face visibly fell.
“Lis-“
She stormed off, unable to stomach another word. The walk back to the house took mere minutes at the pace she set, a pace he kept up with. He came closer, catching her uninjured wrist as she turned to head up the path.
Lissie ripped her hand free of his once more.
“You left me, Caleb. You left me and I woke up alone,” She gasped out, her voice breaking on the last word.
She couldn’t hold it back; the betrayal was like hot coals in her throat.
To her frustration, the tears she’d dismissed earlier returned, hot as they soaked her cheeks and ruined her makeup. He looked heartbroken as she sucked back the sobs in her chest, and a small part of her hoped he felt even a fraction of regret. Hoped that maybe… maybe it meant something to him too, and he was just scared. She would take it, she’d be furious but she would accept it because she was so, so in love with him-
“Pip… we- I- it should never have happened. You didn’t deserve… I shouldn’t have been so weak-“ He muttered, running his fingers through his hair.
How could a heart break twice?
“What I didn’t deserve, Caleb, is for a man I loved and trusted for years to treat me like a leper and leave me bleeding in my bed after calling what we shared a mistake.”
The colour left his face grey, and he seemed to sway.
“You… I hurt you?”
“It was my first time, you complete moron!”
Instinct had her reverting to childhood habits, and she slammed her fist down on his chest twice before her common sense kicked back in. She was too small to cause him damage this way, of course, but she was a professional with martial training. And even now, the thought of causing him physical pain was like taking a knife to her own throat.
He was trying to say something, his skin going from pale to an unhealthy red, but she covered her swollen eyes with both hands and took several long breaths to block him out.
“I…” Lissie loathed her weakness, but she couldn’t help it. “I know I wasn’t good enough. I know. I’ll get over it if you give me time. You can’t say anything to Grandma, though. She’s got enough to deal with without us fighting. I’m so angry right now Caleb, and I hurt, and I can’t even look at you without remembering you didn’t even bother to make sure I was all right.”
His protests were white noise in her ears, not a single word audible past her pounding heartbeat.
“Please- please go inside. I need time to… to clean up.”
A single murmur of her name reached her.
“Please,” She begged.
Slowly, she heard his footsteps shuffle towards the door. The lock clicked.
“I love you and I don’t know if I can ever look at you again,” Lissie confessed into her hands.
Caleb’s shuddering breath gave away his lack of composure.
“If… if that’s what you want, pip.” He spoke, voice hoarse with everything he was holding back. “I never… I didn’t know. Hurting you is… I’ve never…”
He gave another shaky sigh.
“I know you don’t believe me, but I would do anything for you. I will do anything for you.”
The door creaked, and she felt his presence leave her.
“Anything.”
Lissie, in that moment, only existed. She hung in the darkness behind her eyelids, begging it to swallow her whole.
A violent shockwave – bringing with it heat, pressure, pain and loss – answered.
The dog tags dug into Lissie’s palm as she traced the etching with reverent fingers.
Xia Caleb, Deepspace Pilot – Delta Division, 0196853
Her ears were covered with dressings to catch the viscous fluid draining from her ruptured eardrums for the first few days. They affected the sound she heard, but her hearing was already damaged. The doctors believed it would recover, with no blood or infection. She wasn’t sure she wanted it to, when her partial deafness blurred the background sounds that would make her startle. Background sounds that weren’t the right background sounds. She was never going to hear him speak again-
Xia Caleb, Deepspace Pilot – Delta Division, 0196853
Her ribs and chest ached, but no fractures. It was her heart that concerned the medical team most, judging by the fact Zayne had been present when she woke and scarcely left in the days since. Repeated electrocardiograms. Daily scans and blood tests. Constant monitoring connected to the nurses’ station. All to reassure themselves she wasn’t at imminent risk of a heart attack. Would it hurt more than the black hole shaped like her clever, dear grandmother? Shaped like-
Xia Caleb, Deepspace Pilot – Delta Division, 0196853
First came the police, then the DAA. A specialist investigations team, several times. The Association. A civil servant. Then, a lawyer. All with their own questions and bad news and protocols and I’m sorry Miss, but you were never designated next of kin and horror as they stripped her life of meaning.
She had been left with nothing. The remnants of the house were under the jurisdiction of the investigation team until their work was concluded, and only then would she be able to claim the property as was laid out in her grandmother’s will – and that would take months. Named in the will but not named family, not legally. Anything she might have wanted to keep – their memory chest, Grandma’s crocheted blankets, the crystal balls Caleb bought her growing up, the paper photo albums, her childhood apple plushie – was naught but ash.
They wouldn’t give her Grandma’s death certificate. They wouldn’t release Grandma’s body to her once the autopsy was done – autopsy, what was the point, when someone was in pieces did it even matter – as things are rather irregular, Miss. There doesn’t seem to be, well, anything at all confirming your relationship with Dr Zhang. Zhang is a common surname, as I’m sure you are aware. You are a beneficiary only, I’m afraid.
They… they wouldn’t give her Caleb. His bones, his flesh, his very blood was hers, and they stole him. Everything he owned and was… had been claimed by the Deepspace Aviation Administration. For the first time since she arose in the ruins of her world, she had screamed, the sound piercing her damaged ears as she thrashed in the bed. She woke up an hour later in restraints after Zayne had to sedate her.
He had been scrubbed clean of her life. Nothing at all was released to her, every scrap of him erased as if he had never existed in the first place. Miss Zhang, you were not a registered family member, nor his spouse. I am sorry for your loss, but there’s nothing I can do for you.
Perhaps she had imagined him and imagined her childhood, her love, her heart. Was she insane? Was all of this the product of a weak and destroyed mind? Did she want to be sane if it meant accepting that he wasn’t real? He was real, he wasn’t real. That night was a fantasy, the fever dreams of a sick woman.
A day before she was due to be discharged, she sat in her hospital bed and stared at the wall. A ticking clock disturbed the silence like ripples in a still pond. Nurses came with steaming piles of food and departed again with the plates untouched. Her vital signs were checked while her gaze never left the wall.
With a perfunctory knock, Zayne entered and closed the door behind him, his white lab coat pristine. He then shut the blinds that allowed those in the corridor to see inside her room. That… wasn’t normal. Almost against her will, she looked at him.
There was something sad in his green eyes.
“Amary- Lissie. I must be quick,” He said, speaking lowly, his voice softer to her healing ears.
He strode to her side before his long, scarred fingers tucked something metallic and warm into her hand. She blinked, confused.
“You were holding this when you were brought into Akso’s emergency department. I had a feeling that things would become… difficult, and placed it in my pocket. Forgive me for taking this long to return it to you, but I had to ensure the DAA agents would not return and catch you with it first.”
Slowly, she opened her hand, and her breath caught.
Xia Caleb, Deepspace Pilot – Delta Division, 0196853
When U Come Back
Tears soundlessly slipped down her face and dripped from her chin, her nose becoming stuffy as she struggled to breathe.
He was real he was real he was real… he was gone.
Lissie pressed the dog tags to her lips, feeling the little red gem on the apple sharp, and wept.
The day of her discharge from the hospital, she turned on her phone at Zayne’s urging.
Countless messages, missed calls, and voicemails rolled in. Friends and colleagues and old friends from university. People they grew up with. Even a pilot from the DAA.
She pretended not to see the look on Zayne’s face when all she did was silence and lock it.
“I’ve got my instructions, I’ll come back for the check-up.” She said flatly.
Zayne sighed.
“You need to arrange someone to pick you up. You know hospital protocols by now.”
A brief disturbance to the numb shroud that enveloped her, but a heat that scalded.
“I don’t have anyone left to pick me up, remember?”
Distantly, she regretted those words although Zayne barely reacted, his expression icy as ever. Caleb had been his friend as well.
“You have friends. They may not have been permitted to visit you, but there’s nothing stopping them now.”
Tara. Xavier. Rafayel. Nicole. The man in front of her.
She… she couldn’t.
Lissie looked Zayne directly in the eye.
“I’m walking out the door. If you want to stop me, you’ll need to call security.”
He was silent, but seemed to see how serious she was. To her surprise, he nodded.
“Then I will come around with an appropriate meal after my shift ends.”
Lissie immediately protested, but her words petered out when he held up a firm hand.
“Those are the options you have. You call someone to come collect you now to take you home, or I allow you to go on the condition I see you this evening.”
She scoffed and looked away, already tired. “This is unprofessional, Dr Li.”
“My duties as your doctor are discharged for now. This is something I take up willingly. Make your choice.”
There was a lump in her throat. “What time do you get off?”
“Half past six. I should reach your apartment by around ten past seven.”
“… Okay.”
A tension she hadn’t noticed before disappeared from his shoulders. Zayne gave her a deep, searching look and a nod before departing.
And for the first time since the explosion, Lissie breathed in fresh air.
The taxi back home was quiet. Perhaps her grief was palpable as the driver attempted no conversation, only taking payment with a sympathetic smile when she arrived.
Her world had ended, but her apartment building remained bright and airy. A singular apocalypse with only one living victim. Her hands shook as she entered the main lobby and continued to do so as she went into her apartment.
It was clean. Much more so than it had been that last morning.
Her heart sank into her stomach, and she ran to her bedroom. The bed was perfectly folded back; the bedding, freshly laundered.
Another crime scene wiped clean.
Her long hair shifted over her shoulder, and a memory flashed through her brain.
Caleb moved above her and between her legs, violet eyes afire as he stroked her hair, pulling a lock of it to his nose as he linked his other hand with hers.
The next thing she knew, she was in her kitchen with the fileting knife in hand, hacking through her gathered ponytail. She let the remains drop to the tiled floor, and the blade clattered on the worktop. Another thought occurred to her. She stumbled to her bathroom, and a button popped off in her haste to rip open her shirt. In the mirror, the revealed skin was unharmed. The mark he had left was gone, healed.
Was she to have nothing of him? Was this her punishment for the last thing she said?
Lissie feared the looming precipice but longed for it, too.
She… she needed something. Someone, something to pull her back – no. She needed something there so she could remember.
An internet search, and then she was pulling back on her boots.
She didn’t want to be sane.
Arriving back home, Lissie felt drunk without having had a single sip.
It was a good hurt. The clingfilm over her shoulder crinkled and she resisted the urge to place her hand over the burning area on her collarbone. She deserved the pain, but she couldn’t risk it healing badly.
The twilight sky was moonless. She trudged into the building she fled from earlier that day. None of her neighbours were around, which was for the best as she didn’t think she could endure their condolences. Elevator doors opened on her floor, and she caught sight of a slight commotion ahead.
She… must be seeing things.
Xavier was the first to notice her – his sharp inhale and step forward alerted the others. Tara gasped, her eyes filling up as she covered her mouth. Rafayel’s stare seemed casual on the surface from where he leaned against the wall, but there was something almost aged about him in the way he looked at her. Zayne’s eyes were keen, trailing over her shorn hair and the covering on her shoulder before he pulled off his glasses to rub between his eyes.
And Nicole… Nicole strode forward and hauled Lissie into an embrace, tucking her head into her neck and tightening her arms around her. Her coiled braids smelled of kukui nut oil, like their dorm room used to in the four years they lived together.
Lissie tumbled over the edge and went into freefall.
“I… I think I need help.”
But out of the darkness came steady hands to catch her at the bottom.
“I used to do this for my sisters, you know. If I could fix their disasters, yours will be no problem,” Tara said kindly into her ear as she continued to portion out Lissie’s hair and snipping away the uneven strands.
“Thank you,” She managed to say, although her voice felt like broken glass.
“Don’t speak, Lis,” Nicole said as she entered the bathroom. “Xavier made you some tea. Try to drink some of this.”
She handed over the steaming cup from which Lissie took a sip – exactly to her taste, as she had revealed to him weeks before. It was comforting and soothed her throat a little.
Nicole jumped up onto the counter, pulling over the pack of facial cleansers before beginning to wipe over Lissie’s puffy face softly. Her eyes fluttered closed; she let herself relax into the care of her two best friends.
After the wipes came moisturiser, rubbed into her skin with three fingers. Then Tara towel-dried her hair, and she finally registered the huge change when the newly trimmed tips stopped just below her jaw.
Tara must have seen her expression in the mirror because her smile was sweet and reassuring.
“It’s very cute, Lissie; you suit short hair.”
“She’s right,” Nicole agreed, reaching to hold her hand. “Hell of a change, but not a bad one. Is there anything else bothering you right now?”
Lissie shook her head and felt grateful she hadn’t asked how she felt. The honest answer wasn’t one anyone actually wanted.
“Good. Here, I brought you pyjamas. I can’t believe you’ve still got this ratty nightshirt, I was sure I finally managed to nuke it the week before graduation…” Nicole continued to talk, as if she knew how much her voice was helping. “You’re lucky I’m feeling generous or I’d throw this thing in the garbage disposal. Come on, up your arms.”
Modesty didn’t even cross her mind, as Tara and Nicole peeled off her shirt and bra, brushed away some stray hairs and slipped on the nightshirt, - then stripped off her jeans and panties to replace them with clean underwear and loose cotton shorts. To finish, her baggy college hoodie – the logo of the Hunter Training Program emblazoned on the back.
“Come on; I’m sure the guys have sorted out something to eat by now.”
Nicole led the way out of the bathroom, with Tara tugging Lissie along back out into her living room – where her three other friends were gathered.
Rafayel, to her surprise, was in the kitchen with his back to her, putting together something on multiple plates with surprisingly deft hands. She watched him for a moment, never having seen him act so domestic, before movement caught her eyes. Xavier had been standing by the window, looking out into the night with his arms crossed and a pensive expression – but now he approached her slowly with a faint smile.
“Come sit?” He asked carefully, gesturing to the sofa.
She nodded, and Tara let go of her sleeve for Xavier’s hand to lightly clasp her shoulder, guiding her down to the cushions. He promptly sat beside her and tucked a throw over her knees. A second later, a masculine hand with painted nails pushed a plate onto her lap, and its owner sat on the other side of her with a sigh.
“It’s only shrimp fried rice, cutie. Eat what you can.”
Rafayel’s voice was missing its usual teasing and he seemed slightly uncomfortable – but his words were kind. His seashell eyes never once left her, while his fingers fiddled with the blanket.
Nicole and Tara had retreated to the kitchen, speaking quietly to one another – and Lissie finally looked to the last person in the room, sat at the breakfast bar. Zayne still wore the suit she last saw him in, absent the white coat, and guilt flooded her.
All her friends… they were here when they should have been at home, only because she couldn’t handle it. She couldn’t handle…
Her hand reflexively went to the dog tags around her neck and traced over the etching.
Xia Caleb, Deepspace Pilot – Delta Division, 0196853
“Lissie.” Zayne broke the building pressure in the room but only gestured to her plate. “Eat, even just a little.”
She let the tag slip back under her nightshirt, the metal comforting against her skin. Picking up the chopsticks, she ate.
By halfway she felt bloated, but no one protested when she stopped – Tara returned and took the bowl to the kitchen, while Nicole sank into the chair across from them.
That wonderful numbness filled her veins, an empty oblivion creeping along the edges of her vision – then Xavier stood up, and Zayne took his place with a small medical kit in his hands.
“May I see the tattoo?” The question was plain, with no note of judgement to be found.
Four other pairs of eyes watched her too, but there didn’t seem to be any judgement in those either.
She finally nodded, and pulled at the collar of her hoodie.
To her surprise, he didn’t remove the clingfilm, only examining the area visually before feeling the temperature of the surrounding skin.
“I wouldn’t have recommended it on your left side at present, due to your known cardiac issues and the recent exacerbation,” He commented idly.
“It had to be there.” She replied.
“… of course. I trust the artist provided aftercare instructions?”
For a moment, she couldn’t think. “There was a leaflet… my handbag?”
Nicole rustled down the side of the couch, and pulled it up. A quick search later revealed a piece of paper.
“Got it, here.”
She passed it over to Zayne, who scanned through the instructions quickly and nodded.
“These are appropriate. Following them is important; you can’t risk a systemic infection.”
Lissie closed her eyes. “I know.”
“I have no concerns about it currently, but if it becomes more painful or hot to the touch, you have to let me know. Do you understand?”
She nodded. “Yes, Zayne.”
“Good. How do your ears feel? Have you noticed any discharge?”
“… They’re sore. Like an ear infection, but no discharge.”
“And your hearing?”
“It’s… dull. Like I’ve got cotton wool in my ears.”
“But no worse since I saw you this morning?”
“No.”
“Good. Can you lift up your sleeve for me, Lissie?”
She pushed her heavy eyelids open again, and struggled to follow his order. Suddenly, Rafayel leaned over to help, tugging it up until her shoulder was exposed. Zayne’s cool hands wrapped a cuff around her arm and she relaxed as he took her blood pressure, before feeling her pulse for a full minute. Unbidden, her eyes slipped closed again.
“Observations are within your normal range.”
She felt herself tilt to the side, something wrapping around her shoulders and pulling her into a warm body.
Lissie felt absolutely nothing.
“… so she’s all right?”
“I don’t think I’ll ever be all right again,” She admitted with a whisper into the chest of whoever was holding her.
There was a strange sound, almost like a thud, and then someone cursed under their breath.
“… we’ve got you, Lis. Sleep, sweetheart.”
“Sleep.”
Caleb’s face was buried in her neck, his teeth in her skin, his scent in her lungs, his weight pressing down on her and Lissie didn’t want to wake up.
Opening her eyes felt like surrender.
It was early morning and clearly at some point overnight, she’d been moved to her bedroom. Nicole’s sleeping face greeted her from the other side of the bed, lightly snoring, while silence greeted her from the rest of her apartment. It was tempting just to let herself exist, but nature called and she slipped out of bed to the bathroom.
Upon her return, Nicole was awake – eyes drooping, braids half over her face. She reached out her hand and her friend pulled her back into bed until they were curled up facing each other.
Nicole cupped her cheek and sighed faintly, brushing her thumb over the bags under her eyes.
“I changed the sheets, Lis. No one else saw.”
Lissie squeezed her eyes shut and her grip on Nicole’s hand tightened.
“Are you-“
“Please. I… I can’t. I can’t,” She choked out.
“There was blood; was it consensual?”
Lissie sucked in a breath, and she reached for the necklace. Of course, Nicole would be worried.
Xia Caleb, Deepspace Pilot – Delta Division, 0196853
“Yes. I- yes.”
“Okay, that’s all I need to know.” And her friend abruptly changed the topic. “Do you feel like breakfast?”
“Not… really.”
“Maybe a coffee? I think Zayne brought croissants last night too, one of those?”
Lissie nodded hesitantly. “I… didn’t know you knew him.”
Nicole huffed a laugh as she pushed herself up.
“I didn’t know those guys until last night. But they care about you, that was obvious. I don’t even get ‘patiently waiting in the friendzone’ vibes from any of them, which says a lot. I wasn’t about to send them on their way. Also, I remember you mentioning going to school with a Zayne and Tara vouched for Xavier.”
“And Rafayel?”
“He was determined – he doesn’t look like a tough guy, but he got this look on his face when I threatened not to let him in your apartment… it didn’t feel like a great idea to try and stop him. Turns out that was the right call. You sure do reel in the weird ones, Lis.”
“They’re good men, all three of them. I… I can’t believe they came.”
Nicole squeezed her hand again.
“Of course they did. You need your friends, and we’re here. Now come on, sweetheart.”
The apartment was empty, but as much as she loved her friends, she was grateful. In the revealing light of day, she wasn’t feeling up to having the full attention of five people. Her heart was exhausted; the agony in her chest felt like permanent change.
Nicole didn’t speak as she set up their breakfast; she retrieved croissants from the cupboard, started the coffee machine and set out the dishes. Lissie only had time to raise her eyebrow at the third cup, before the sound of her front door opening reached her.
In slipped Rafayel, still wearing the same clothes from yesterday, his phone held up to his ear and a bag in the other hand.
“I’ll be back when I’m back. Call it a sabbatical. I know I’m not a college professor any more- I’ve got to go.”
He hung up when his eyes landed on her, his back straightening as he came closer. The look was intense, but in general, he was decidedly not – he only brushed her shoulder once in greeting before nodding to Nicole by the sink.
“Morning, cutie,” He dropped in her ear as he passed, placing the bag on the sofa before returning to take the stool next to her.
Lissie took a deep breath.
“You were a college professor?” She rasped, wincing at her rough voice.
Rafayel rolled with the punches as if nothing was amiss.
“I was,” He said with a half-smile, “Didn’t like it. Art students are pretentious; don’t waste your time on them.”
Nicole snorted as she handed out steaming cups of coffee.
“I bet you were a nightmare professor.”
“Didn’t we just meet? You don’t know me,” He replied with a sip of his coffee, his nose ever so slightly in the air.
“And yet I’m definitely right – that says more about you than me, bigshot artist.”
The corner of Lissie’s mouth quirked up for a moment. Rafayel playfully nudged her shoulder.
“Come on Miss Bodyguard, I’m being attacked here – aren’t you going to defend me?”
Lissie paused, but ended up going with her instinctive response.
“I don’t think the truth counts as an attack.”
Nicole laughed and gestured to Lissie in satisfaction, while Rafayel let out a loud, put-upon sigh – although the twitch of his cheek gave him away.
“Why do I pay you again?”
Lissie looked down at her coffee, still faintly smiling, but felt the mild levity slowly ebb away from her. She wanted to stay in that moment, but time slowed for no one.
Once again, the rising flood threatened to drown her.
Her friends didn’t continue, merely passing out the food – it smelled good. Although Lissie’s appetite was non-existent, she didn’t want to see disappointment on their faces and made a point of tearing off a piece of her croissant.
“Tara, Zayne and Xavier wanted to be here,” Nicole began as they started to eat, “But they all had work to get to. I start in an hour, so I’ll have to take off too, but…”
“I work for myself, so I’m staying,” Rafayel continued seamlessly. “I was thinking we can finally watch that show you keep rambling on about-“
“I don’t need a babysitter,” Lissie interrupted.
She looked up at both of them in turn and tried to ignore the glance they gave one another.
“I know yesterday wasn’t… wasn’t great. I was overwhelmed and… I should have called someone. But I’m an adult, I don’t need to be watched like…”
Her old dormmate sighed. “… Like the freshman.”
“What?” Rafayel asked, eyeing them both.
Nicole turned him.
“In our third year in college, a freshman’s sister died, and everyone said she tried to commit suicide in the dorms. The faculty cracked down, scared of legal responsibility if she died, and gave her an ultimatum – be under mental health supervision for the rest of the semester or withdraw from her course. She chose the monitor at first, but it made her life hell. She was never alone. She had to change roommates. Her friends stopped speaking to her, the professors avoided her because they didn’t want to set her off. The last day we saw her, she had a fight in the lower study hall and left the campus. She ended up hanging herself in her parents’ house.”
Rafayel turned to Lissie, alarm and something resembling fear in his eyes.
“Tell me you aren’t-?“
Lissie shook her head tiredly. “I’m… I don’t feel like that. I couldn’t do it. I… I’ve never felt anything like this, but I can’t, Cal- he would be so angry with me if I even thought about it.”
Nicole firmly stated her agreement. “From what I remember, you’re right. And so would we, Lis. Your grief is your own and we would never take that away from you… but all we ask, is that you let us help you carry it until you can manage yourself.”
Lissie only nodded, and Rafayel’s tense form relaxed.
“But… you can’t treat me like a ticking bomb. I can’t be observed like you’re waiting for me to break. I’m an adult; I have to… to learn to cope. You all have lives. I can’t let you put them on hold for me.”
“If it matters, you’d be helping me by letting me stay.”
“Are you avoiding Thomas again?”
“He’s been on my case for a fortnight, Lissie. Your leave from being my bodyguard is up now, so I need you to defend my liberty. I don’t keep lazy workers on my payroll.”
Lissie’s lips quirked again against her will. Volleying back and forth with Rafayel was comfortingly familiar.
“Maybe a raise could motivate me.”
Rafayel’s snort was incredulous. “Watching this show with you is all the bonus you’re getting out of me; you get paid enough. My time is valuable.”
“Maybe I should try paying my rent with your time.”
“Sorry, it’s only available to you. Once you trade it away, it becomes worthless.”
Lissie let out a long breath and rubbed her eyes.
Rafayel looked far too smug, but she didn’t have the energy to continue to poke at him as she normally would. And… she didn’t actually want him to leave. When she pictured Nicole leaving, then Rafayel, and her being alone in this silent apartment with nothing but her fermenting sorrow…
She felt the dog tags under her nightshirt, warm from prolonged contact with her skin.
Xia Caleb, Deepspace Pilot – Delta Division, 0196853
“… Fine. You can stay.”
Nicole left soon after, although not before giving Rafayel her number with a stern look that he waved away in his usual manner.
He eased her over to the sofa, covered her in a blanket and sat down before turning on the television. They hadn’t been big on touching much before, but she found herself burrowing into his side within half an hour. His arm settled cautiously around her shoulder, but any tension eased when she didn’t protest.
She barely watched the show he put on, letting herself drift in the rise and fall of his chest below her head, listening to the idle scathing comments he made about the idiotic actions of the main character and breathing in the light fragrance of his cologne and laundry soap. Someone had her; someone was holding her afloat.
It wasn’t long before she fell asleep again.
The entire day was spent that way, resting in each other’s company, only interrupted when Rafayel had food delivered for their lunch. He didn’t prod her, he didn’t ask questions, he didn’t try to get her to talk. Occasionally, he tested the waters with one of his sharp remarks but didn’t push if she didn’t respond as she usually would.
Considerate was not a word she would have previously used to describe Rafayel, but she was so grateful to be proven wrong.
By the time she woke from her latest nap, something had changed. The body below her was different, somehow. A teal shirt had become a cream wool sweater, and the scent had shifted from refreshing and crisp to slightly smoky and vanilla-sweet.
Lissie looked up in time to catch sleepy blue eyes opening, pale blond hair falling over his brow.
“Mmm. Evening, Lissie.” Xavier said quietly, the nap still audible in his voice.
“Xavier… what?”
“I finished my mission. Rafayel went back to his studio for a while. I thought he should wake you, but he said something about avoiding goodbyes.”
Lissie thought about it and realised she agreed – something in her quivered at the idea of saying a goodbye, any goodbye. Even a temporary one.
His warmth was soporific, but she eased herself off of him with a yawn, rubbing one of her eyes.
“You didn’t have to let me sleep on you.”
Xavier shook his head gently. “I don’t mind; I was tired as well. Are you hungry?”
Lissie felt a little nauseated, so she declined.
“I bought pork buns on the way back – they should still be warm?”
She hesitated.
“Even just one?” Xavier paused, “… for me? I don’t want you to get lightheaded.”
She sighed. “I guess I’ll try.”
Xavier’s eyes creased slightly, satisfied.
Soon, they were back on the sofa with a plate between them, the formality of her breakfast bar abandoned for comfort. The television was still on but muted, a nature documentary playing. The blinds in her apartment had been closed at some point, shutting out the empty night.
Lissie took a sip of the hot tea he made her, closing her eyes, and then picked up one of the buns. She felt Xavier’s eyes on her as she took small bites, but the gaze wasn’t burdensome. His presence had always been unobtrusive – that wasn’t to say he was forgettable; he was entirely the opposite. But there was something about him that was… easy. He didn’t expect anything of her but what she was willing to give.
He had always seemed to see her exactly as she was, and that hadn’t changed now.
“Thank you,” She murmured, “you didn’t have to come.”
“I wanted to. I was… worried about you.”
“I never wanted to worry you. Any of you.”
“You’re my friend, Lissie.” Xavier said, before his voice lowered. “I want to be here for you. The others are the same, I think. We want you to recover. It’s… part of caring for someone.”
She could feel tears welling up again.
“Thank you,” She repeated.
His smile was soft and along with his colouring, reminded her of cashmere and stillness. Yet underneath those placid surface waters was the strength of a thousand-year-old oak tree, prepared to brace her against the howling storm.
He picked up another pork bun, and gestured to her phone sitting on the coffee table.
“You should check your messages; I think you got some while you were asleep.”
He wasn’t kidding. There were the numerous messages she hadn’t yet opened, of course, unable to face the sympathies and grief of others when her own was so raw. But… others calmed, even when their senders weren’t present.
Tara.
I’m so sorry I wasn’t there today, I started early and I had to visit my bàba in hospital after work – but I’m coming around tomorrow! I’ve spoken to Captain Jenna about things, she’s been really understanding. You’re still on medical leave until next Monday, but she wants you to let her know when she can call you, I think it’s about bereavement leave. She says there’s no rush though! Hours later, a picture of a pale pink hairband, embroidered with little unicorns. Now that you’ve joined the short hair sisterhood, I was thinking we could match! Then a sad emoji. Simone confiscated it, she says it’s ugly.
Nicole.
I hope Rafayel is treating you right, so sorry I had to leave you this morning, sweetheart. Several heart emojis. Okay, I’m less worried now, he sent me a picture of you sleeping. … Out of context that reads so creepy, jeez. A laughing emoji, then hours later, an eyeroll emoji. My brother phoned; he’s bitching about you being my plus one to his wedding again – like I can materialise a husband out of thin air to satisfy tūtū. About an hour ago, more heart emojis. I know having a group of people staring at you isn’t going to help at all, so I don’t think I’ll come around tonight. You seem to be in good hands. But if you want me to be, I’m there. If you have any trouble sleeping or any not-great ideas, any at ALL, you phone me Lis. Love you <3
Rafayel.
A picture of Lissie, face squished into a man’s chest with creases on her cheek and dark circles under her eyes. this shirt is shanghai tang if you drool on it im docking your wages. Two hours ago, an emoji of a man running. thomas turned on the find my device i had to go first thing i did was change the password how did he guess it? turns out he didn’t he reset the password and guessed my security question why do i employ this man. A picture of the ocean, from the open windows in Mo Art Studio. im chained up and being whipped into doing work i need my bodyguard to save me but i bet she’s still sleeping. those pork buns won’t be as good as my cooking yesterday.
Zayne.
My shift begins at 7am and I have several surgeries scheduled. I’m sorry I won’t be able to say goodbye. Please rest and recuperate today. A couple of hours passed before the next message. It is odd, not to be bombarded by messages from you. I hope this means you are resting. Half an hour ago, another message. I’m working a late shift today, I don’t finish until midnight and by then you should be sleeping. Tomorrow I start early, but is it acceptable for me to visit after I get off? I wish to perform another check-up.
Xavier.
I hope U slept well, see U tonight. A picture of a car with a plastic moustache attached to its front fender. Its so dignified they should get it a bowtie. A picture of two bouquets, one of white lilies and the other of white roses. Which 1s do U like I can’t decide. Nvm I remembered lilies make U sneeze. Hours later, a crying emoji. Just saw some1 advertising takeaway hotpot that makes no sense. I’m getting us smth totally different thinking abt hotpot now makes me sad.
Their care was written into every word; the dose of normality, bliss. She had been afraid of her friends tiptoeing around her but… it was refreshingly, blessedly routine. She closed her eyes and let the messages soothe some of the ache – that there was another conversation, one buried at the bottom of the list, from which she would never be messaged again.
She traced the necklace under her hoodie. Breathe, Lissie. Breathe.
Xia Caleb, Deepspace Pilot – Delta Division, 0196853
She latched onto something she read in a message.
“You were buying flowers?”
Xavier was waiting for her as she opened her eyes, before tipping his head when he saw she was paying attention.
“I read that it was an appropriate way to… show support. The florist I went to suggested them.” He said, looking away thoughtfully, “She said they all had different meanings and that sometimes combinations make whole new meanings, which was confusing. Then I remembered you were allergic to lilies, so I was going to pick the roses, but…”
He looked back to her. “You like colour. The white ones seemed… sad.”
Lissie gave a weak smile. “They are sad, you’re right. Thank you for not getting them.”
Also, she didn’t think she could deal with anything else dying around her when they eventually wilted.
It was like he heard her thoughts.
“I got you that instead.”
He pointed over to a nearby unit. On top, was a small bunch of vibrant green leaves, sitting in a tiny blue pot covered in painted yellow stars with little smiling faces.
“… you bought me a money plant.”
“It wasn’t on the list I read online… but I saw it and thought of you. It doesn’t need watered too often, but the florist said they’re quite tough so it’s okay if you forget sometimes. Is it all right?”
Her weak smile was helplessly fond, a thin beam of sunshine in the overcast sky.
“It’s… perfect, Xavier.”
The little peace she gathered during the day deserted her when Xavier left her apartment for a couple of hours.
She had insisted that he return to his own bed for some decent sleep and he had agreed on the condition he be allowed to come back the moment he woke up. But in his absence, apathy returned, heralding the cloying grief Lissie could sense lurking on the periphery of her mind.
Some voice notes and messages were her best effort to reassure her friends, and plugging in her phone to charge took the last of her energy. She crumpled into bed with the covers over her head.
Lissie cried again, salt water soaking her pillow.
She thought back to the conversation this morning with Nicole and Rafayel, about the escape available to anyone with the courage to take it. Never would she admit it to them, because that was a cruelty she wasn’t capable of, but she’d considered it in those first few days in the hospital after waking.
Grandma… how she missed her. The only parent she had ever known, perhaps not as close as they once were but still so cherished. She had been old and becoming infirm, but she should not have died. She deserved so much better.
Caleb… Caleb’s death hadn’t just taken him from her, as horrendous as that was. It had taken her entire future.
Lissie imagined herself as his girlfriend. A couple of years later; his fiancée, his wife. She imagined anniversaries, and holidays, and stupid arguments, and stubbornness. Breakfast in bed, inside jokes, casual kisses, rings. Buying a home, compromising on their careers, choosing one another above all. Loving each other for so long that a flaming beacon of passion settled into molten lava shifting beneath their unbreakable bedrock, less bright but just as scalding.
She imagined aching knees, sore feet, greying hair and wrinkles. Two people becoming one in that peculiar way married couples do, as seen by those looking in from outside. Watching him grow old, by her side, always.
Old… how he would never get to be. Caleb was forever young now. One day, she would be older than him – a thought so unnatural she couldn’t bear to continue it.
She imagined making him a father – and her weeping intensified until she loudly retched.
That terrible last day they had… she would have forgiven him in time, she knew it. There had been something there, something odd in how he acted, that she had been too upset at the time to notice. How he had left her after sex… that wasn’t her Caleb. He didn’t have it in him to wish her harm, that she knew in her very bones. Something had been wrong, something they could have worked past… had they been given the time.
Yes, she had thought about ending her life. It wasn’t giving up, not really, when the world had given up on her first. It was a release. Freedom from the agony. The last emergency exit in a structure crumbling and ablaze.
Xia Caleb, Deepspace Pilot – Delta Division, 0196853
If something could conquer that final threshold; these thoughts would revive Caleb. It was almost tempting to try, to force him to claw his way back through death to stop her from joining him. For a delusional few hours, she even believed it.
Yet life’s thorns pricked deep, and it proved difficult to evade them.
Those she loved, she loved dearly. Hurting them would take strength and callousness she could not muster as she was. Hurting his memory, picturing his despair at the idea of her dying…
Continuing to live was going to be torture. It was going to be hard. She feared it, the misery, living on with a hole in her heart.
She had never chosen the easy path and in this, there was no other option for her.
Caleb’s Lissie, his pip-squeak, had died in that inferno along with him. Tomorrow, she had to scrape together enough of the scorched pieces to try and build someone new.
But tonight… Lissie entirely broke apart for the man she had lost, and for the woman she would never get to be.
The flower is a vivid crimson, the mad apple, and two slitted black pupils stare up at her from its core –
She drops it into the ocean surf that laps at her bare ankles, foaming and cold, and it sinks down to the sand –
From its petals is birthed two gleaming, faceted amethysts –
She picks them up, the waves clinging to her wrist possessively, and inspects them in the light of the crescent moon –
She lifts her other hand and catches a falling star, only to scream as the searing heat boils her blood and eats through her skin –
Bloody blades of snow whip past her on the west wind, biting at her cheeks and ears yet quenching none of the harrowing fire –
The star’s light is so strong, so much brighter than the moon, and she holds it close to her amethysts –
In their purple centre, from a fatalistic kiss blooms a supernova –
The pain vanishes, and she drops the star into the sea –
Snow consolidates into ice over her ruined hand, and her body collapses –
Above her, the wind surges like thudding of dark beating wings –
For a single moment, the star’s light refracts through the water and she sees thousands of imperfect reflections of herself on the surface –
Love cocoons her, fingers stroke her hair and hold her cheeks and trace her lips –
While in her palm, each violet crystal flutters.