Chapter 1: Chapter 1 A Start of Something?
Chapter Text
Per usual, she’s driving past the tall housing, speckled in nothing other than perfection. Fully white, looming over her busted dark blue Ford Festiva, pale pillars, and familiarity but never comfort. The prison that holds captive her best friend, the one whom Shauna has spent an embarrassing amount of time pursuing, one who is consistently in her life. She could never bare to ignore the natural blondish brunette hair, small yet full lips, sharp cheekbones, light hazel eyes, and the wide eyed beauty who somehow is her best friend. The girl walks with such youth, and her usual signature perfection, with her backpack piled over a singular shoulder as her hand slowly opens the car door, she sits casually looking comfortable, fastening her seat belt, the shut of the door cutting off the daze Shauna wore. Causing her eyes to open a little more as she turns to her best friend forming a sheepish smile as Jackie says
"hey there Shipman", it's her usual charming self, the soft tone, the sweet notes of her perfume, and the regular dull response from Shauna.
"hey Jax". She's occupied staring until she realizes that perhaps that it's not the move to stare blank mindedly in a trance, when she's probably only there for the drive to school. She hovers her foot over the pedal, doing as she does practically every morning other than weekends, when even then she has to drive Jackie somewhere unless she finds that forgiveness is the virtue and it must be the best virtue of all, as she always is back in that dusted, beat up wagon of Jeff's, even after their countless fights. Arguments that cause Jackie to confide in Shauna for the umpteenth time, beginning in sighs of relief until as time passes on she knows were meaningless to express, when the next day Jackie would be held in Jeff’s arms once again. As with their relationship, Jackie and Jeff seem intertwined, not only because they have the same initials that their names share, but because they’ve been dating on and off since Freshman year. It's such a bitch to deal with, she'll probably never admit it to Jackie but it's annoying after awhile, she's going to become uncaring by the fiftieth time they break up. In all honesty despite how weird it sounds she may have kept count. She knows she has, because each time they break up, is each time she has to unwind the mess they both made, typically due to some dumb shit Jeff did, said, or even didn't do. Though it's been over the twentieth time she's handled coddling Jackie, as if she herself doesn't wind up going back to him, leaving the same mess with scattered tear and mucus filled tissue, containers of ice cream, if she even managed to eat it without any more thoughts that filled her head of her mother's shaming of all kinds, and her bundled in either Shauna's attic bedroom covers, with constant ranting, speaking of ways that Jeff irked the shit out of her and basically how fucking miserable she is with him. That or it takes place in Shauna's living room watching whatever movies she brought over or Shauna put on to distract her (typically beaches), and most rarely moments of which Shauna is in Jackie's bedroom comforting her with a warm embrace, despite the annoyance of it all. She still finds herself there nonetheless, half listening to whatever Jackie speaks of, about her not buttering his biscuit or vice versa, either way it's the same things, he's horny and she's waiting and he's unknowingly dived himself off the plank by not knowing a morsel about Jackie, what she likes and whatnot, and that upsets her. Leaving her riled up, upset, walking away from him or confiding in Shauna leaving him with this stupid dopey look, as he confides in Randy Walsh, ensuring that it wasn’t his fault, he did no wrong, and as he claims
“fuck, I think Jackie was on her period or something”. He'll scratch his head and stare at the floor like it'll respond with the same reassurance Randy Walsh has to say soon after.
"She's probably hitting that time of the month man." Randy will reply with, and pat Jeff on the back, giving him a knowing look, like he's a wise all knowing bachelor, and as if Jeff's a second place holder at a race, receiving advice from a first place master. Despite Jeff not knowing shit about chicks like he seemingly believes.
Jackie will look over at Shauna once again, with her tear filled spectacles being the light brown eyes, big and all, asking the same question again.
"you know everything about me, so why can't Jeff know my favorite flower—” her eyes become small resisting the big globs of water nearing their descent.
“Shauna . . What's my favorite flower?" Jackie asks, blowing her nose loudly, abruptly, face in hands.
"Poppies" Shauna replies dully, knowing damn well what her favorite flower is, knowing her favorite food, quote, car, soccer tactic, movie, color, e.t.c. She could name it all. Yet Jeff can't give enough of a damn to remember or notice, it's rather sad really, but she can't get too sad when she realizes that either way Jackie still runs back to him.
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Any whom it's nearing the time the warning bell rings as she is raring up to the school, the whole car ride was the usual, Jackie constantly talking about who knows what, probably whatever rager/party Jeff had let her know about or gossip that fills the halls. The game they had previously won, and tactics they need to go over. She was somewhat listening and adding snarky replies, sarcastic, and genuine comments here and there to show she was attentive. She would pay more attention, but she does this everyday and as nice as the routine is, it gets tiring playing the same charade each and every time, the same dumb music or what feels like the exact same music as all the bubbly pop blares in her ears meshing together to sound like one big song that plays each time Jackie instinctively turns the nobs of the radio and lightly nods her head or sways occasionally when she really feels the rhythm or whatever; despite it being too bubbly and overbearingly, sugary sweet in her ears. She picks her hands off the steering wheel, taking the keys out of her car gently, grabbing her backpack from the back seat, stuffing her journal roughly along with it. Jackie persists with whatever she was talking about in the car, all the way to their lockers. Shauna knows it's about time for Jeff to come along, his stupid smile as he puts his arm over Jackie's shoulder and stares at whatever skin she bared to show that day. Occasionally, He glances at Shauna when he notices Jackie is caught up in Shauna's presence or her own conversation, she feels a mixture of guilt and disgust at the stare that bares into her, dragging large, haggard, stumpy fingers into a wound. The memory of a lingering past mistake. He stays unassuming to the threats, punches, and rejection Shauna fills her eyes with and spits upon his presence like acid, Jackie never seems to notice, she's too busy presenting herself lovey dovey for the whole school to watch, a way of putting on a play, one that involves her being the perfect girlfriend an A+ candidate for a housewife and whatever it follows. Funnily enough Jackie could never be a housewife unless she improved her shitty cooking skills and her inability to listen to anyone but herself. Shauna will think of Jackie as what she is to her, how selfish and blatantly rude she could be and still Shauna feels guilty about it, removing it from her brain despite the truths it bares. Though she knows that's far from it, Jackie works hard, she could be anything, if she spent time on worthwhile things, by that she means everything but Jeff and she knows Jackie is sweet at heart, she just sometimes is caught up in herself, too much to notice how it affects Shauna. Nonetheless, either Jeff got the hint, or it was the force of a baseball buddy, pushing away from Jackie, as Jackie presents hime with a farewell kiss, like they won't see each other later. She distracts herself and in the process a different blonde settles into her peripheral vision catching her attention if not just for a moment. She watches Natalie Scatorccio settle herself against her locker, chill, a smile running across her face, Shauna sees her crooked teeth and they enamor her in a way that holds no explanation, a friend she sees around her often Kevyn Tan is what caused the smile it appears. Once again, she forces her eyes away and finds another yellowjacket, her eyes darted away from Natalie, then to another girl across from her, of a darker skin tone, a beautiful caramel, with jet black hair and long legs that stood on a pedestal themselves alone. The clear difference in class demonstrates itself among the dingy walls that don't shine. In comparison to all the teens walking around her bubble they seem to be of a lower tier, separate from her. While she stares something halts her from the sight, a tan hand but not the same caramel that she’d had in vision up until now. The hand moves motioning over her eyes to gain her attention back to the supposed conversation she was apparently a part of?
"Earth to Shauna, hello are you there?"
"Yeah, what's up?"
"Well I was discussing what I should wear for my date with Jeff or at least I was, until you seemed to disappear, staring at who knows what"
"Okay, so what were you thinking of wearing?"
"Well I was hoping I could stop by before I go, y'know considering my mom doesn't let me have the clothes I like" Jackie rolls her eyes as she does at the mention of her mother.
Jackie typically stores whatever clothes she knows her mom will comment on at Shauna's, before every party they always head to Shauna's house almost like tradition. She so desperately wishes to deny all of her needs to come over before she heads out with Jeff, she hates the idea of them clung together and Jeff's pathetic attempts to "score" as if he had the ability to, he can't even hit a home run or anything other than a strike, ball, or whiff, what makes him think he can reach that base? (He couldn't even make contact with a ball if his life depended on it and somehow he's on the baseball team.) It's a pain in the ass but once she sees the usual smile of a girl perched in front of her, shining at her, the beautiful squinted eyed girl. She can't deny the visit.
A sigh escapes her lips, "Yeah, just drop by like you always do, did you have anything in particular in mind?" She engages in the conversation despite her lack of curiosity towards this topic in particular. She really doesn't care to know what outfit Jeff will try to get his slimy hands underneath.
"I don't know cause I was thinking the pink dress, cause I like the way it hugs me right, but I also like the purple blouse but I'm not sure cause I'm trying to think of what'd look better" her eyebrows narrowed as she's deep in thought, envisioning the countless items she has and what she can wear to impress.
"What do you think Shipman?"
"Umm..." how is she supposed to respond? She doesn't know how to answer such a simple question herself, and guilt continues to wave over her knowing things her friend doesn't about her shit boyfriend.
Just then the warning bell rings saving her and they both know it's about time to pack the conversation up along with whatever books they need out of their locker. Shauna's first period is one of the plethora of AP classes she has and even though the teachers trust her enough to believe excuses she gives them she'd rather not deal with the hassle of explaining a fake story especially if they're in one of those shitty moods where nothing can get past them and they feel the need to scorn a teen just to make their misery a little bit better.
"Okay I've got to go" Shauna starts with.
"Okay I'll see you during creative writing right?"
"Yeah of course Jax"
She replies in her usual soft tone reserved for her best friend. Jackie walks away her usual walk filled with her confident nature and without the thoughts that consistently fill Shauna, the ones that are pure guilt and unadulterated self loathing. For reasons unbeknownst to Jackie, that of the secret that lies in Jeff's sticky, dingy back seats and the acceptance letter hidden in a drawer she knows Jackie won't go through, one that doesn't interest her enough to rummage in even if she's got nosy tendencies. Each time she goes through it, the hazy vision, her inability to walk straight, her red dress (the boob dress) riding up her thighs as she walks over to the battered station wagon, tipsy, no drunk. The feeling of vomit, brimming the edge of her throat ready to escape, acidic and unbearable. Clogging her throat, making it hard to swallow the lump in her throat and simply breathe. Ready to run despite the blur, nausea and headache that’s been pounding since the speakers echoed through the house and when Jackie whispered into Jeff’s ear and his smile reappeared. The look of determination in her eyes and pride that she would finally commit to the base she’d kept avoiding. Jackie unfortunately wasn’t the one who committed to losing their v-card that night, though Shauna hadn't wished for it to end the way it did.
The lip gloss that was still on his lips, perfume on his neck, that same sweet smell, intoxicating. She buried her head into it, small kisses on his neck as she envisioned it was Jackie she touched. The rough, dry coarse skin met her lips instead ruining the fantasy, ruining the anger, the obsession and yearning that needed to be released in any which way she could grab a hold of. The desperate pleas or rather demands for him to say “I love you” so she could use that strawberry lip gloss, the remnants of the girl who was with him to see her, feel her, love her, make it hers and have it back even if untrue. A fantasy made true through another person, through Jeff fucking Sadecki. The unbearable guilt that trembled in her body after, the resolve she believed in just before with the aid of alcohol and secondhand smoke, that she’d become satisfied, that the lust would dissipate along with the abrupt false narrative and makeup sex. Instead her self respect vanished, her belief that it would help even if a little was barricaded in a deep soul crushing regret, and a cheap, stale, overwhelming cologne. Her nose burned, engraved with the stench of his cologne and Jackie's everything that had been imprinted upon Jeff, like a marking each time Shauna went in for more of her, more of Jackie, met with more of Jeff as a result. She went home greeted by shame, she felt cheaper than Jeff’s cologne, grosser than the fluid that ran down her leg or the chapped lips that met hers. Messy hair, tangled when she ran her hands through them to sort herself out, make her image bearable despite the hate in her heart for herself that remained with the sticky residue from the lip gloss, that was overthrown by saliva from Jackie’s boyfriend. Nothing other than the bitter taste left in her mouth, what she’d thought would be sweet from strawberries became rotten, artificial, only a reminder, the memory of Jackie's remaining lip gloss muddled, tampered with a hatred for herself and for a girl who’d never reciprocate. A shower was needed, desperately running a rag to her body to scrub away the filth but she couldn’t erase what was mental, so she scrubbed till the red marks filled her skin leaving no trace of white but instead a red that matched the dress bundled up, dirty in a pile on the floor. along with her underwear and bra that had been touched by the one person she'd never have wanted to touch it, it’s innocence sullied. The marks on her skin kept coming with each drag and pull, more aggressive than the last, only stopping till it burned like a fire that danced and made its way as the rag did but she still couldn't forget. The rush of Jeff's clumsy hands, the rocking that shook the car, hot and heavy, and overbearing. His hands that made it's way every which way, seeing how far he could step over her boundaries, how far he could take it, how far he could push her. The taste of Jeff mixed with artificial strawberry wouldn’t leave her memory despite it being gone, the memory of a college that Jackie wasn’t invited to, and the yearn was still there, it wouldn’t escape her body until she told her or ended it all, even then it'd still sting, still haunt her.
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She walks blankly, dragging her feet unenthusiasticly to her first period sitting near the back, her seat that squeaks slightly each time she moves only furthering her insecurity revolving her weight and physical complexion. Even worse when her thighs seem to take up more space on her chair than she'd like. And when her chest hits the desk somewhat each time she inhales too much. Luckily for her she's not wearing a skirt or the chair would stick to her legs, making it hard to function in the almost hour long class that overwhelms her brain enough some days that she doesn't need that extra discomfort. She sighs on her way to class, passing by familiar rooms and finally the bell rings. It's after her 4th period, thank the lord, it's lunch. Constantly being in AP classes is fine and all but sometimes she craves the touch, smell, laughter, and overall presence of her best friend and the other yellowjackets as well
They all typically share a table except some Junior varsity players, like Allie who sometimes sits next to the senior Paul with a last name she doesn't care enough to remember, and Robin and Britt, and most importantly Natalie who sits beside the other burnouts, Charlie, Rich, and Kevyn Tan. Though Shauna only really knows two of them, mainly Kevyn who she has an AP class with. Funny enough for being so called "burn outs" he has an advanced class. The only proof of burnout is the outfits they wear and gossip spoken about them or rather about one blonde. Their dress code consists of their commitment to only funeral attire, black nail polish on Natalie that shines from certain angles, and Kevyn's shitty attempt to recreate that with what Shauna seems to believe is the residue of a black sharpie. It really depends though, some days like when they're not there or if there's a game or if she seems to feel like it, she'll be sitting beside Shauna. Shauna will bask in those rare appearances for a reason she doesn't quite understand. Maybe it's because she's kind of cool, she's good at being a winger, close with Shauna who plays midfielder and they work so fucking well together despite them not talking much. But it could be because she stands out, she's interesting, one minute it's as if she's not listening but then she'll recall a moment in the past, something specific and mention it. Almost as if she paid a great deal of attention to them. Shauna finds her enamoring in an odd way, she's beautiful for one, no one really mentions it, all they mention is the rumors that shroud her, her nicknames that people use far too often. Nasty Natalie, slutty Scatorccio, and the burnout bitch that is slutty enough to surround herself with a sausage party at their little table of burnouts. Though Shauna has never called her that nor does she have the intention of bringing it up, she wouldn't like it if people said that type of shit about her or to her, especially if a good deal is made up of judgement, gossip, lies, or past mistakes. So why'd she judge Natalie for that, I mean it's not like she herself doesn't have her own pile of skeletons ready to spill from the closet. She'd never go out of her way to do something that shitty even when Shauna knows she's an asshole, an overall shitty person herself. She knows what it's like to have runaways that follow her, people branding Shauna with the obvious slurs and accusations of homosexuality. Saying she's a dyke and all because she hasn’t been seen with a guy’s tongue down her throat, Jackie always denies it, speaking of being gay or a lesbian specifically as if it's some sick disease or as if it's equivalent to cannibalism or murder, as if she would do that or has the intention of it. Though Shauna knows eating other people out is normal for the qualifications of a dyke, yet the idea alone doesn't seem to be right in Jackie's eyes or rather Shauna isn't that type of person apparently. So of course she defends Shauna's honor or at least that's what she calls herself doing every time someone murmurs it a little too loudly in the halls or some drunk teen mentions it at a party, or an opposing team at a game mutters "fag" loud enough for them to hear. Jackie will say that it's untrue and that it’s disgusting that they accuse her of such a thing, y'know the usual. But she can't deny that her stomach does a weird thing where it jolts and flips at the sight of girls sometimes, especially in the locker rooms when she's dodging the sight of half naked teammates who appear far too attractive in her foggy vision. Attempts to feign sight of beautiful girls that surround her. Pretending that their presence doesn't stir something inside of her, even when they come in contact with her and hug or do any sort of intimate act that is normal between friends. Though maybe all is not lost considering there is a girl her heart doesn't beat rapidly for and of course the girl would be fuck ass Becky Martin, she is an obvious skank bitch, and not the hot kind (unfortunately).
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It's the next day, a school day, and it appears to be lunch already, as she stands in line for food preparing her money to pay for whatever they seem to offer at the moment. On today's menu there's the usual, a tuna sandwich, cheese and ham, salad, and soup. She's deciding, rather lost as for what she should choose but ultimately decides for the safe option, one that is filling enough for afterschool practice. Though the good thing is that she has something to look forward to, her mother presented her with something in the morning that day. Before she had dropped off her best friend when her mom was preparing breakfast which happened to be French toast. It's simple enough to make, even when it's early and so it was sitting on the countertops on a white ceramic plate, with options of syrup and fruits of her choice. She usually adds a dollop of whipped cream but it's a school day and she knows better than to upset her stomach in such ways, so she settles for some bananas, syrup, and whatever berries are present. Her mom leans on the countertops staring at her daughter as she feasts on the stack in front of her. Knife and fork in hand conquering the mountain that is her portion of French toast.
"I knew you'd be hungry and I figure if you got practice, might as well go far for my kiddo-I mean it's been a while since I made breakfast right?"
"Yeah it's been a minute" She replies with words rather scuffed due to the food in her cheeks making it hard to chew, swallow, and talk all at the same time.
"Well I know how hard you've worked"
"Hmm?" Her mouth just briefly stuffed with a chunk of French Toast, lifting her head staring through her raised eyebrow.
"Well okay I'm just gonna say it, I wanted to reward you and I've been working enough overnight shifts, and guess I heard of a concert coming up" Deb Shipman rambles which is a characteristic that seems to have found its way to her daughter too. She then holds up two tickets, that say a name that Shauna can't make out, quite difficult when her mom is waving them in the air triumphantly showing them off to her daughter.
"W-what?, oh my god- wait who? What concert?" She’s still chewing the remnants of French toast in her mouth and swallows abruptly to speak clearer. She has a thought in her head of a few artists she likes, ones even her mom knows cause she’ll be caught listening to them sometimes when her mom comes home later in the day or because of her numerous tapes in her car that are filled with her favorite artists.
"I know you really like their music, I don't really know much about them but a few coworkers were talking about a concert and connections and guess what? I scored tickets!" Deb continues to wave the tickets at Shauna and she finds that her curiosity is killing her. She swiftly tries grabbing them to her success and looks at the big letters, it says Veruca Salt in fine print and Shauna's eyes go big.
"No way" her jaw hangs wide open as a big grin spreads to her face, this is the happiest she's been in a while.
"Thanks so much mom, I've always wanted to see them" she says this happily and goes and gives her mom the biggest hug. Her mom pats her head and says
"no prob kiddo, I got you two just in case you wanted to take anyone too. I mean I'd go with you but I fear I have a shift I have to cover that day unfortunately, cause I know how much you would want your mommy to go with you." She says jokingly, smiling at her teasingly, "Haha, Very funny mom" she says sarcastically. And Shauna automatically responds after a brief second with a sudden hug and an "I love you so much mom, thank you". She mumbles, loud enough for her mom to her clearly. Sighs a happy breath, the wind escaping her lungs in disbelief and comfort, it’s been a while since she’s gotten a hug from her mom, and since Shauna became a teen she never gave as much affection like she did when she was younger towards her. Sure there were hugs but when one becomes a teen they seem to happen less, and Deb missed the sensation and Shauna seems to have too, but they definitely were closer than Shauna was with her father. Not to mention Shauna hasn't looked all too swell as of recent and I suppose her mom really noticed, considering her grades are always good and she's always early and present to school even without reprimand or any need for her mom to remind or tell her, this leads her mom to really appreciate all the work she puts into her academics and being a good daughter. The small things Shauna does too, like wash her mom’s clothes when she’s been out for her shifts that last too long, even when they're blood stained from her nurse work, or her exemplary job cleaning the house so it looks presentable even when Deb isn’t around for a while. Despite how aloof or lacking in being exactly talkative, Deb knows that she's a teen and she respects that, she cares for her daughter, feeling bad enough that she can't spend much time with her considering the constant shifts, and she see's her daughters kindness. Shauna notices this, feeling grateful that even without a father present in her life her mom is there, it's better to have a loving mother than a shitty father who won't even give her the time of day, at least that's what she convinced herself to believe. Most definitely in these times as her mom does so much for her, Shauna feels bad, it's due to that acceptance letter from Brown and she knows it's the reason for constant shifts but the fact that she even cares enough to go this far is more than she'd ever thought she deserved.
Her mom breathes a sigh of relief as she returns the hug.
"I love you too kiddo"
So of course though she was listfull and uncommunicative in the car as she almost believed the morning was a dream, really just not caring too much for whatever nonsense her friend had to say, no offense to Jackie but it was not gonna snap her out of the happy shock she was having the whole morning and some of her class periods, that is until lunch, after the haze of focus for her Ap class wore off. When it all hit her that in two weeks she was going to go to the Veruca Salt concert, her grin had then returned while exiting the lunch line, she even handed the person on duty who takes money, a ten dollar bill when her lunch only cost five dollars. The pimple filled boy waved around her change as she dazedly walked away, she didn't care at that moment, her dreams of finally going to a concert was just ushered into existence. She sits at the yellowjacket table out of habit and not too much of her paying attention.
"Woah that is one crazy smile you got going there" van says with a smirk, her face amused.
"Yeah who's got you smiling like that?" Lottie says shortly after.
"Concert" Shauna says absent minded, still stuck in that trance of temporary happiness. A presence finds its way behind Shauna, a tray in hand asking a question as if she was sitting there the whole time.
"Whose it for?" Natalie asks as she seems to have overheard. She plops herself on the seat beside Shauna across from Lottie and Laura Lee.
"Veruca Salt" Shauna says rather abashedly, cheeks turning a light pink, because her taste in music is always put down when it's brought to Jackies attention, typically talking down on it to hype up whatever pop songs she likes at the moment, refusing the slight alternative music Shauna enjoys.
"No fucking way, you like Veruca Salt?" " I really didn't take you to be one who enjoys her music... damn Shipman I'm jealous as fuck right now" Natalie retorts.
"Wait, you like Veruca Salt? I didn't expect that —" "I mean Jackie always says they're too much, like emo or punk or whatever and I don't know but umm— yeah I'm like really excited I guess you could say"
"Fuck what Jackie thinks, Veruca Salt is totally bad ass– actually I think if anything I'm starting to respect you more Shipman" Natalie says with a sly smile she gives a wide tooth filled grin, punching Shauna’s shoulder gently and Shauna sort of blushes at the thought that Natalie respects her, rubbing her arm where Nat’s hand grazed.
"Nat has a point they are totally badass" Van says, Lottie nods, proving Natalie's point. Some JVs look at each other confused murmuring things like when Gen asks "whose that?" And Melissa replies "man I don't know" along with a few shrugs from their table. Though Taissa seems to agree with Van, so does Laura Lee and Lottie. Soon after they are giving accepting nods of approval and speak of the devil, Jackie walks over after having been sitting or rather hovering the other table of jocks, except they weren't soccer jocks like her but rather baseball, where her on and off boyfriend sat. Jackie would wrap her arms around him or whisper things into his ear as he displays his stupid smile that looks more dumb and hoping in Shauna's eyes than it should. After a few kisses between them and a goodbye kiss on the cheek Jackie gives Jeff, she just knows the sticky strawberry lip gloss is all over his lips and cheeks and it gets her rather annoyed to think of it any further so she just ignores the thoughts focusing on the happy news she has at the moment. Jackie asks why they're nodding and is greeted by the team as Shauna explains that she's going to a concert.
"Good for you Shipman, it's nice to see you'll finally get out of the house" Jackie adds with a big smile, the usual she presents with her shine that glimmers despite the crap lighting in the cafeteria.
"I went out with you to a party like last week, what do you mean?" She says rather confusedly as the way Jackie presents it appears as if Shauna hasn't even a morsel of a social life, as if they don't go out together and aren't attached to the hip.
"Yeah- yeah, I know that, but like you're gonna be like out after that last time we went out y’know and who knows maybe you'll see a cute guy, oh my gosh we're gonna have to hang out before the concert so I can like totally doll you up for the cute guys" she says as if she isn't pretty or attractive without makeup or as if she even wants to look for any guys. Like the whole point of going is for the males she'll see there or almost like she is nothing without a guy by her side, a guy to hold her. Which in all honesty to Shauna is bullshit and she doesn't even care for guys like that, she makes it decently clear considering all the rumors that smack her in the head as the halls whisper not so silently the word dyke.
"I'm there for a concert Jax, not some stupid hookup" she says bitterly, gritting her teeth, biting her tongue to prevent venom from spewing, as this isn't the first time that a guy is being thrown at her, even if Jackie hasn't even seen the guys she speaks of Shauna needing to dress up for. She just likes the idea of proving the rumor wrong and showing the school and her parents that her best friend is normal and totally straight cause there's something wrong with liking the same gender it appears.
"Yeah why does she need to impress a guy anyway, also she looks totally hot without all that dressing up any who" Lottie says this giving Shauna a little wink while she smiles with her addictive grin her teeth slightly crooked and beautiful in all it’s glory, where her dark brown eyes slightly crinkle and it makes her appear confident yet playful. It's pleasant to see and instantly her face and ears get hot at the comment and gesture.
"Don't tease her too much, she's gonna explode any minute" van replies mischievously.
"Fuck you I—" "I'm not gonna explode" she smiles sheepishly while flipping van off, still red from Lottie's remark. But you can't blame a girl, with Lottie being so pretty and calling her "hot" while winking like that too. If she were to explode it'd be self explanatory and completely understandable in her book. Jackie looks at them rather annoyedly, as if someone spilled food on her favorite sweater, her face crumpled into a knot for a second before changing the topic. What really lingered in anger or annoyance for Shauna regarding Jackie was the idea that she seemed to almost force Shauna to be "presentable" or to be made into a makeover experiment, like a puppet or doll Jackie would have reign over. She said that they "must" hang out beforehand because apparently not only can Shauna not do anything right, but she also needs Jackie in order to do anything, and she can't even deny anything Jackie says because that's her best friend and she loves her and she knows she's completely right. But it can be a hassle to meet her standards when Shauna is her own person and has her own needs that are completely ignored, not at all respected like she'd wish. It's so infuriating but she let's it simmer as blowing up on her is not an option, she remembers that Jackie presently gives that smile with blissful ignorance and charm, or her adorable eyes that shone to get acceptance, a yes that will never be a no from the pushover that is Shauna, some of her anger dissipates. It's certainly not an option, though she so desperately wishes to grow a backbone hoping it'll allow her to gain respect from others and keep her ability to retain her own personality. While managing her silent growing resentment. The bell rings noting it's time for Shauna to head to the library for her free period, her study hall for moments in between the draining efforts that are required for advanced classes. It's finally a time to be at peace or just get shit done before she gets home.
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Though a presence lingers behind her and lightly hits her arm in a casual way. It's a bleach blonde mystery that enters her personal bubble as she tries to catch up to Shauna's quick pace. A hand that lingers over Shauna's shoulder is omnipresent and makes Shauna a little flustered as she isn't used to contact and never from Natalie at least.
"Hey" Natalie says coolly though her tone also appears a little nervous, but perhaps that's Shauna's imagination.
"Hey Nat? What are you doing here?" She asks curiously.
"Oh—" "well umm is it cool?" Natalie asks, scratching her head.
"Is what cool?"
"Like me being here, like talking to you or whatever— is it alright or?" "I mean like I can leave if you're busy or something" Natalie asks, becoming small and almost sad like she knows she'll be rejected but whatever rejection she expects is quickly kicked out of the picture as quickly as it was thought, as Shauna replies immediately.
"No it's cool no worries" Shauna instinctively says this, saying before thinking for once.
"Oh okay cause I just wanted to, you know ask if you wanted to hang out or something like that– it doesn't have to be right now unless you're free i mean" she stumbles it all comes out of her mouth either quickly like a mumble or slow when she is thinking, when she wants a response but also is scared to ask.
"Y'know you don't have to ask to hang out?—" "we're friends aren't we? I mean I'd never mind hanging out with you but um– just letting you know I don't want you to think you have to ask to talk to me or anything" She states this to Natalie smiling as she looks at her, Natalie's nervousness dims, she chuckles, a giggle emits from her at how adorable Natalie looks at the moment, she appears confused and staring, mouth open, jaw slightly slacked open to make an "O" shape. Despite her punk attitude she can be really cute huh?
"What's with the laugh" Natalie frowns playfully, "am I funny looking?" She says jokingly.
"No, you're pretty cute when you wanna be though?" Shauna retorts, smiling and laughing a little more. It was unusual for her to admit something like this out loud but she said it without thinking. Shauna's bunny-like front teeth appear as Natalie turns from her pale complexion, to a red that matches the red stripes paraded throughout her black shirt covered by a signature leather jacket. Now they both giggle with Natalie’s deep set of dimples making an appearance and Shauna steals a glance admiring her complexion in an awe or trance. They head toward the direction Shauna leads, the hallways more quiet than before, the feeling as if it's just them two in the school despite the reality being that the bell rang when they were immersed in conversation.
"Shit, I'm sorry Nat I didn't realize the bell rang"
"Nah don't worry, I wasn't gonna go to that class anyways, apparently there's a test and I'm looking forward to missing it" she gives a smile reassuring Shauna it's cool while also being cute as Shauna's heart squeezes a little, an unfamiliarity or unusual occurrence but the good kind. Shauna notices her dark roots exposed through tufts of somewhat messy hair that comes to light charming despite it, almost appealingly messy, the bangs hanging nearer to her eyes, swooping to the side of her head. Plump lips and fishnets underneath black denim shorts, her signature black combat boots making her appear taller than what she is. Her being slightly shorter in spite of that, all of it added to something that made her feel special, different from what's to be seen at this shitty school. Shauna had never noticed Natalie other than when she was mentioned at any point, but she was finally seeing her now and she wasn't against seeing more from now on. She actually hopes to see her more if anything, something she won't admit just yet out of fear that Natalie won't reciprocate. She bee lines away from the library for a second to ask Natalie if maybe she wants to go grab a bite to eat or hang out somewhere, but then she realizes they have practice after school so maybe today isn't the day for that. Instead she settles for a question that rolls off her tongue before she can overthink it.
"So, do you mind if I come with you? figured we could talk or something, whatever you want really" she practically whispers near the end.
"Yeah that sounds cool to me" Natalie replies without much thought or at least she appears calm.
They go to Natalie's signature spot which is underneath the bleachers, they say some people usually skip here but it becomes evident that it's just them sitting there as they arrive. Natalie tugs on her shorts, reaching into her pocket and grabs what appears to be a lighter, from within her leather jacket it holds for her a pack of cigarettes. She opens the pack gesturing to Shauna asking if she would like one. She shakes her head to say no and Natalie shrugs. She seems to struggle with the lighter for a second but then Shauna says something that she wasn't expecting herself to say.
"Here let me help you out" Shauna grabs the metal square, opens it with a flick of her wrist and an ember appears red, orange and yellow underneath the white ends of her cigarette. The sparks draw a flame and the smoke drifts off the cigarette. Shauna felt embarrassed, as if she herself didn't snatch the lighter and help her when she herself doesn't even really smoke. She may have tried it once during a shitty party to revel in intrigue, bask in the curiosity towards the foreign item. Though right now she kind of just wanted to understand Nat, get her view point, comprehend, get a glimpse of what she'd discern or perceived. So she asked Nat, taking back an offer because she realized she'd changed her mind again.
"Actually you mind if I?—" gesturing to the lit cigarette with her eyes, Nat got the point and directed her hand nearer to Shauna. Shauna reached for the cigarette their hands brushing as she grasped it, a flutter or nervousness embered like the end of the cigarette inside her, imitating what she had seen before and once done putting it to her mouth where Nat's lips once lingered and inhaled deep and slow then releasing when her lungs could no longer inhale anymore. The taste of tobacco was different from before, less unbearable, less disgusting to taste, and putrid to her nose. It was mixed with another flavor, what she believed to be Natalie's influence. Cigarettes and her, she understands the appeal now because if it always tasted that way then she'd become hooked, addicted to the taste and feel just as she was to the lingering of their fingers as they passed it around for each to inhale and exhale. They sucked the cigarette of its tobacco to its last bud, where Natalie then threw it to the ground beneath the bleachers, where she knew the custodians didn't care to clean, dragging her combat boot along its remnants to put it out. They began to speak, just idle conversation, once polite chit chat, then became a blur of amusement, and common ground. They both loved the same artists, and had similar ideas of fun. Natalie had laughed more than Shauna had ever heard from her, Shauna almost insisted upon hearing more, so she'd be funny anyway she could, just to see those full lips become thin as her mouth creased into a smile, a bewitching dimple, one deep enough to be seen, her face an irresistible stunning collage, her dimples being the rivers or pools of water, her eyes a geyser of grayish blue leading to the dimples like a waterfall, her dark eyebrows contradicting her light hair, being the trees or mountains that stood above the geyser that inhabit her eyes. The black makeup surrounding it highlights the color of bluish grey, only making her all the more attractive. An art piece to stare at, it is a waste that she’s wasted upon this shitty school who only mutters her faults, things she may or may not have done that she should not be blamed for. Everyone has mistakes they've made or decisions that affect them, it's unfair to glue Nat to hers. Why doesn't the same happen to those who do worse shit, why don't they get the same repercussions. It's unfair to think of the pain she's experienced, it makes Shauna want to hold her close but she knows of how Nat hates pity, what she feels isn't pity though but she knows it will be a feeling misunderstood in Nat's eyes due to past trauma and scars that have not yet healed. Shauna wants to pour rubbing alcohol onto a cloth and rub it against the wounds, then apply an antiseptic and bandages that will allow it to heal fully. She wants to hug the child inside her that she's locked away or kiss Nat on the forehead and tell her it’ll be okay, and that she has faults but so does everyone, that doesn't make her a piece of shit it just makes her human. But she of course does neither, instead they talk and enjoy themselves until the bell rings interrupting the world they'd created, composed amongst themselves.
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It's nice that for once she went a moment without thinking of Jackie, it allows Shauna to heal herself as well. She hopes Nat feels mutual, that she wishes for Shauna's company as much as Shauna wishes for hers, that when they spend time Nat heals too. What emerges is the craving she now has for it, an unsatisfied appetite to fulfill within Shauna, similarly to how she feels about Nat as of currently. Sixth period had already passed, as before they ignored the bell without realizing, they had far too good a time to care it seems. Though right now it's time for practice and they both know to go or else coach Martinez will have their asses handed to them. They'll be forced to run suicides or big mama's. They walk together still talking of what song is their favorite on an album they particularly like, walking into the locker rooms was interesting to say the least. The other teammates look at them funny.
"When did you two get so buddy buddy?" Tai is confused for the most part.
"Shut up" Natalie says, sticking out both of her middle fingers at them, lazily yet playfully. They continue where they left off, laughing as a natural blonde brunette girl enters looking rather upset. Shauna doesn't look up until she hears fiery filled footsteps that stomp towards her, the stomps are rather anticlimactic as Jackie is so thin she hardly makes sound doing so. One must blame the woman who constantly reprimands Jackie for her weight for no reason other than the pleasure bringing her daughter down brings her. Speaking of down how abut we speak of the amount of downers Mrs. Taylor takes to push away at the gaping hole in her heart that needs to be filled with something that bares itself is so evident. Shauna hasn’t seen her this angry in a while, at least not heading in her direction. The last she can remember was when she was playing with Jackie and some other girls in the sandbox of a playground, and Shauna’s head was turned away to play with the little toy car in her hand, it was blue and big, a van; she noticed a brunette who looked curious and Shauna looked at her inviting her to play. Soon after the slightly timid child beside her, with a button nose and pink cheeks, looked gleefully, as they got nearer, giggling amongst one another, the slightly blonde girl looked furiously at them. Shauna became small as Jackie began to hurl mean words, and despite how much more confident, and outspoken Shauna was when she was younger, It felt like her flame really began to die starting from that day on. The brunette had been suddenly taken back into what seemed to be her mothers arms, and Shauna’s eyes stayed locked on the girl as she left, waving her tiny hand at her, as the girl faced her, her hands wrapped around her mom, smiling and waving back. The small indent in her cheek appears and Shauna can’t help but reminisce now, with the familiar sight of an annoyed best friend and a dimple that makes it's way into the filing cabinets of her mind, replaying on a VHS tape again and again. Jackie slams the locker open pausing Shauna's VHS tape that was playing in a loop in her mind, and stares daggers into Natalie’s back. It doesn’t bother Natalie, she doesn’t seem to notice, and usually with such glances, Shauna would become antsy, frantic, attempting to mend an invisible problem, resulting in heartfelt apologies even when Shauna hasn’t done anything, and Jackie doesn’t even dive into the reasons for why she need Shauna to constantly beg for forgiveness. Yet at this time it doesn’t bother Shauna either, she has a bleached blonde standing in front of her, sharing words, gently reaching her ears, not sharp, blaring or demanding, digging into fibers of her being, like how Jackie speaks to her. A bonus being the sight, the lit rooms causing her skin to really make a scene in Shauna’s mind, her blinding skin, pale, white, beautiful, the blonde that contradicts the stormy skies, that have now calmed, like a shore or the aftermath of a rainstorm, when the world is ushered in whispers, and everything is silent other than the cool breeze that follows, and the light from the sun that gleams from the clouds, peaking through just as the light reflects off her eyes and leaves a glimmer. Her full lips looking at Shauna, she keeps glancing at them, they’re a lovely pink, a cross between the color of a bunnies pink nose, or the look as if she had just previously eaten blackberries and they left a slight hue of purplish pink that emerges on her lips. She wonders how they feel, and if they feel just how they look, soft, would they be tender on hers? She looks away briefly, her thoughts sending her into a panic, her ears feel hot again, she brushes away the thoughts to get away from whatever truth those statements hold for her and her new found friendship. She’s fucked up plenty, everything she does is fucked up except maybe her grades, so she’s not gonna fuck this up too, it’s far too soon to break everything when it hasn’t even yet begun and she doesn't even know if it will. But in the back of her mind she constantly asks the question, “but maybe it could?” who is to say, nonetheless Shauna has clearly gotten a tad distracted, immersed in the profile that is beside her.
“So, you want to do something afterwards maybe?”
“Huh?” Shauna wasn't listening too well when her mind was shrouded in the thought of a new found evolutionary development in their relationship, and when she was burning the image of Natalie into her retinas.
“Like after practice?” Nat says after a slight pause, sounding unsure, a little awkward.
“Yeah, that sounds— that’d be great.” Shauna's lips curve into a smile.
“I was thinking we could go somewhere, I’m not sure where yet but maybe we could figure it out?” Nat shrugs
"I'd love that" and Shauna truly does, a smile creeps up on her, almost never ending as It doesn't escape her every time she thinks about it during practice.
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Chapter 2: The Italian Place
Summary:
Shauna keeps thinking about a particular blonde girl. It's finally time for them to spend time outside of school, and allow them to bask in one another's presence. Nat takes Shauna to a restaurant she frequents and It's obviously Italian. What would one expect from Mrs." Let's just cut the Focking Tree Down" am I right?
Notes:
Any who, I hope you enjoy, a warning or disclaimer for anyone reading this is that I am not Italian whatsoever so please don't expect any authenticity (other than everything Google provided in terms of half assed answers to my questions), If I was writing about Mari or Travis or any Latina/Hispanic character this would be easy but alas it really is not. I hope you enjoy nonetheless, If you're Italian I hope you can at least laugh at how foolish I sound because I fear that I really don't know shit. Yeah, but please comment if you have any tips, constructive criticism or anything that you perhaps want to see play out, please don't be mean I'm sensitive and already know I'm a dumbass. Thank you for giving this a chance if you are reading this though. Sorry for not writing much, I didn't know how I should go about it.
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
Practice wasn’t the same that day, usually Shauna is either in her own world, zoned out, if not she’s riding the coattails of her best friend. Though today something else hid behind her usual brooding. Her shirt was tacky, sticking to her flat, toned stomach, and her legs were on full display in her shorts that accentuated her legs incredibly. She stood farther than the others, away from Jackie, away from her teammates as she panted, breath heavy, sweat beads on her forehead, above her lip, till she tasted salt dribble into her mouth, a result from her physical capabilities on display. She was focused and yet at the same time not at all. Her eyes drilled on a particular person, who occasionally was already staring when Shauna would look back at her, yet Shauna doesn’t believe it to be enough times to make a deal out of. Her thoughts were filled to the brim in ways she couldn't quite name aloud, though her journal could be filled with deeper explanations that dive farther than ever her lips or mouth permit. Practice hangs on for a long while when they're practicing, but when it’s over, it’s over, and suddenly it feels short, like it was a long time ago, like a mere memory, even when they’re barely entering the changing rooms. She doesn’t bother asking Jackie if she needs a ride, with the way she was acting she knows the answer, Jackie has Jeff, he’s present when Jackie feels he ought to be so it's obvious when she leaves before her, and after that all of the team disperse one by one, Jackie is already gone, probably making out with her boyfriend behind a dairy queen, where she knows Jeff will whine, bitch and complain until he guilt trips her into a quickie or some other stupid ways to compensate a horny teenage boy. Shauna shudders at the thought, her eyebrows are already furrowed trying to brush past the feeling of stubby fingers, and the nauseating scent of stale beer, too many cups of malibu and milk, and the rat traps that consisted of artificial strawberry, glued still onto Jeffs—
“Hey?” Nat seems to lurk beside her, rounding the corner of lockers to greet Shauna’s eyes, ridding the furrow deeply ingrained in her brow.
“Hi Nat, sorry I’m basically done give me a sec” Shauna says, pulling her shirt hurriedly over her damp skin, the aftermath of a quick shower in the locker rooms after practice. Her hair falls, wet, and soaks her shirt already just slightly. Nat seems to flush but unfortunately, It’s not met with Shauna’s gaze as she fumbles for something out of her bag, finally she manages to grab it, and presses it into her hands for comfort, something to fidget with.
“After you milady” Natalie bows, her eyebrows threaten to reach her hairline, and her lips slant into a goofy smile, twitching as she attempts to make a serious face. Shauna couldn’t help but chuckle a little as she stepped out of the locker rooms that only held the two of them. How long had she been drifting away in the locker room just dazed? Or rather how bad did everyone want to leave? No matter, she flicks her keys in her hand, forcing them to make a circular motion by spinning the hoop for accessories on her pointer finger. She looks back for the blonde that had gestured her to the exit first. The blonde walks out, a practice bag slumped lazily over her shoulder, a new outfit that Shauna hadn’t registered, a black leather skirt, and a black and white band t-shirt that she doesn’t know too well. A silver chain necklace that lays on her neck, and multiple rings, on her pale fingers, black worn out nail polish making her hands appear lighter. She presses the key into the handle of her car, she opens the door for Natalie to allow her in, and closes it on her, when she enters, slamming the car door gently so as to not alarm her, or hurt her baby. She loves this damned car, I mean sure it’s a little beat up but it works perfectly fine, well sometimes. It’s hers, and hers alone and she loves that, there aren’t many things she can say are hers to use or have whenever she wants it. Though since her birthday where she received the car, Jackie claimed some sort of fucked up shared custody, as if she doesn’t have enough of that shit in her life after her parents divorced. Jackie claimed her like a pack mule, exclaiming how fun it’d be now that they can drive around, and do stuff, and go places. Who said she was going to do that? She’s a hermit and doesn’t give enough of a damn to change that, she doesn’t care for parties, or gatherings or the view of teenagers doing dumb shit, she's seen more than enough, especially in herself. Jackie knows this, well not the dumb shit she’s done but rather her hatred for social events, Shauna’s grunts, sighs, and eyerolls are enough to make it clear, yet Jackie still made that fucked announcement of shotgun, or rather claimed herself her own free taxi service. Not once has Jackie chipped in gas, she said something along the lines of “well if you need gas, I have some change on hand” but only ushered it once, and that was when she was on call with Shauna practically begging her to take her somewhere; but Shauna doesn’t have it in her to take Jackie’s money. I mean sure Jackie does barge into the crossline where her boundaries lie sometimes, but she still loves her that's her best friend so of course she’s going to take her places and get up earlier to drive her to school, it’s only right. So perhaps the car isn’t just hers, but when she is alone in that car, on days she doesn’t have to take Jackie to school, or whenever she runs errands, it becomes clear to her, who the car was meant for.
“Do you want any music? I have some tapes in the glove box if you want to maybe browse them?” Natalie doesn’t really say anything, just nods and lets out a small hum as she pervades the options, some are of course Jackie's, just as she managed to bud her way into the car, so did her music. To be exceptionally clear it’s not at all that she doesn’t love her best friend, if anything the opposite, she writes it down in her journals at the end of her piles of complaints, she has written for her. The list of things Jackie does to really upset her, but she knows that if she were to call her out on it, Jackie would somehow twist it, in a way of which forced Shauna to apologize as well, plus she doesn’t have much intention of hurting her, but it seems thats all she can fucking do, when she has secrets that apply to Jackie, that she knows are too much for her to think about sharing. It’s catastrophic in the ways that would bend their relationship beyond its maximum capacity, ruining it, muddling it, ending it.
“Ugh what is this?” Natalie points to the collection of boy bands like Boyz ll Men, New Kids On the Block, NSYNC, and the Backstreet Boys. Along with the few piles of Madonna and Celine Dion.
“Can’t believe I even had any faith in your music taste for even a second” Natalie shakes her head, eyes closed, just as if she witnessed an atrocity and can't bare to see it.
“I know it’s awful— fortunate for you that isn’t mine. I actually am not cursed with the inability to have a decent music taste, all of that right there is Jackie's.” Shauna crosses her arms, and tilts her head, holding a small smile when she turns to meet her, eyes crinkled, blinded by the brightness of Nat’s hair and skin.
“Go figure- I’m not shocked but wow she really does have shit taste in music.” Nat keeps searching until she pulls out a cassette tape, titled my favorites, and shuffles it into the slot, as music suddenly crumples slowly yet surely. A song begins to play, and of course it just so happens to be a song by Veruca Salt, soon after other songs drift in, artists such as Hole, Blondie, Liz Phair, Runaways, Pj Harvey, e.t.c.
“You hungry?” Shauna asks nervously.
“I mean we just were sweating our asses off, what do you think?” Nat says grinning, her words have no malice just teasing.
“Good point, what are you craving right now?” Shauna replies with a tiny smile.
“I’ll give you directions, there's a good spot I know” Nat claims. Shauna puts her seatbelt on, and places her foot on the pedal, the whole drive is direction after direction. They pull onto a street where she’d assume is their destination, as the directions that Natalie would usher, came to a halt. The music grained away in a fog in her mindspace as she parked, pulling her car into a tiny crevice, allowing her car to run for a second to admire what stood before her, before she pulled the keys out of the ignition. It's a decently tall building composed of red bricks, with two windows, covering the sight of the interior with knick knacks, posters, signs and the most prominent being a neon sign that holds the name of the dingy yet charming spot. The curvy writing in a prominent red stands out to her as she gapes at the store as much as she can before Nat can lead the way inside. It’s new to her, in the ways that are akin to when you’d be in the back seat of your mom’s car looking out the windows before she leads you to a place foreign to you. Though it isn’t a dislike of any sort. There is a sort of discovery, a curiosity, and an eagerness for more, anew, and findings that are unfamiliar but very much wanted in the future. The seatbelt beside her can be heard unbuckling, and winding back into itself. A presence that is fidgeting near her, one with blonde locks, and that is when she realizes again that she’s seated beside Natalie Scatorccio. Though not in like nasty Natalie who is apparently sold short or slutty Scatorccio who is plastered around the hallways as a cheap whore, not even like Nat who is a teammate and one who sticks out to Shauna, yet chooses to lay low as her own preference, despite her being badass on and off the field. Rather like Natalie who is interesting in more ways than one, a girl who sings or hums along to hole or blondie, someone who turns pink and abashed when she’s mentioned in a good light. Who shrinks in the spotlight because she isn’t used to people looking at her fondly. A girl who isn’t afraid to let it be known who she is despite misconceptions others create for her. An overall good company to have, a girl who is so much fucking smarter than those assholes at school make her seem. She’s witty and most importantly she’s the most fun Shauna has had in a while. She pulls into the parking lot of the tall building, tugging away her seatbelt and turning once again to face her, being rid of her previous thoughts to talk to Natalie.
“So…What’s on today’s menu?” Shauna starts with.
“How do you feel about Italian?” Natalie turns to Shauna asking uncertainly.
“Well I have you in my car don’t I? I’d say I like it quite nice” Shauna replies after a brief pause and replies as Natalie becomes antsy waiting for an answer.
She smiles at her, noticing the red that creeps steadily over Natalie. She questions if she made Natalie Scatorccio blush. The Natalie Scatorccio? She believes that Natalie must find it hot in the car or something of the sort, there is hardly any belief that she has a chance at making her blush. No matter how bad she secretly, curiously, thinks of how It’d look. Whether or not a shocking red would appear and creep over her, waving over her white skin or body in a blanket of crimson. More than anything, what would make her react in that way, would it be flirtation, or another person teasing her, maybe more than that, touching her—
“You coming?” Nat says causing Shauna to flinch a little, she forgot for a brief moment where she was again, and now her ears are feeling hot, she deliberately chooses to cover them with her hair at the moment of realization.
“Yeah, sorry I was just… never mind, let's go, shall we?” She opens her door, slams it shut, and moves toward Natalie’s door to open hers. As the blonde exits from the seat, she stares for a second.
“My, what a gentleman, you really know how to treat a lady” Nat holds her hand over her mouth in pretend shock, fanning herself with the other. Then moving her hand away from her mouth to place over her forehead, closing her eyes, acting as if she’ll faint from Shauna’s chivalry.
“Yeah, yeah, let’s go princess” She says princess mockingly, rather teasing Natalie, before Nat pauses a second, lips parted, and eyes elsewhere.
Damn it, I just had to fuck it up and make it weird etches it’s way into Shauna’s head. She looked away and attempted to change the subject, in order to possibly restore what she's done. “So… What do you usually order from here?” Shauna asks.
“Huh?” Nat looks up at Shauna after seemingly too distracted to notice what she asked.
“What do you like from here?” Shauna asks, pointing to the menu as they had entered a second ago and were already seated, following Shauna then again opening the doors for Nat who was still too stuck in her thoughts to notice.
“Well they have damn good dessert, tiramisu and cannoli are fantastic here, but I like almost everything, the Rigatoni alla Vodka is probably the best pasta this town has to offer.” Nat replies. “Well I’ll be the judge of that” Shauna says wryly, a smug grin plastered over her face, as she folds her arms onto the table, and leans one hand over to her face. The palm of her hand holding her head up to stare at Natalie fondly and maybe even flirtatiously?
Notes:
Hey... hey... how you doin? So um, I know that this is not too grand and I may have taken a fat minute to update but thank you for reading if you did. Feel free to predict what will happen next, cause I'm making it up as I go, whenever I get to writing it I just write what comes to mind, so heck I don't even know what is gonna happen next. But please comment and tell me your thoughts on this, and support me if you feel like I should keep going cause I myself am not too sure, and this is my first ever work like this. Tell me if I should keep going, and I'll try my best to, despite all the work I'll probably have this summer with other stuff I have going on. Also my condolences or apologies If I take a decade to post another chapter, with all the kudos and comments I received, that is what really allowed me to make another. Thank you all very much and I'll update If you guys want another. ;)
Chapter 3: Chapter 3 Leather Wearing Flesh Bag
Summary:
Essentially the same as the last chapter, except up until the restaurant. All of this Chapter is from Nat's perspective, because why not? She needed some representation in this as well, she has a fascinating way of thinking, I can only hope I lived up to it.
Notes:
Hey, I hope you all like this, I'm not too sure how I should display Nat. I know she has issues to work through, insecurities and trauma, fucked parents. But I am trying to include her, and her ways of thinking which is so fucking difficult to capture. I hope you find it enjoyable to some extent at least, warning for you all is that Nat is so oblivious to her feelings, maybe even more than Shauna is. Another warning is that my work sucks ass, so don't expect high quality. Also, I am the only one who works on this, no one else, so please provide input because I am indeed a dumbass, and I am faulty, so I do have many mistakes most likely still present even though I reread as much as I could without falling asleep as I am boring as fuck, even my work is. But yeah, love you guys for even interacting, if you do, that is. :)
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
Natalie doesn’t know what the fuck lead her to talking to Shauna fucking Shipman today but nonetheless her black combat boots lead her directly to where Shauna was headed after the warning bell rung allowing the academic nerds to drift onwards to their classes and all the others to just sit there cluelessly, like they didn’t have anywhere else to be. Unmoving, except her who for some reason started following behind Shauna like a dog, panting and gearing its head for the closest ounces of attention she could already smell out. Though it can be certain to even her, that it was unusual, weird for her to actively seek out another person other than maybe Van or Kevyn, maybe even Charlie or the other guys she hangs around with in her spare time. Especially the resident of academic role models, A-pluses and attendance marshal, though if anyone deserves that title it’s definitely Taissa Turner in accord to all the other academic prude assholes. She is the biggest of all, though as much as she is uptight, a beast on the field, and honestly scary as fuck, none of the words she’d have the audacity to speak in her head would be spoken aloud, cause even she doesn’t wish to probe those waters. She’d rather not, as they say “fuck around and find out”.
Reality rears its ugly head once more, as she soon realizes where she stands, and whose attention she had just gained. Whose arm she had just grabbed, which what the fuck, why would she do even do that. Moments like this really make her question if her brain is nonexistent, because even her grades and teachers seem to hold it above her, like a status quo, reading “Natalie Scatorccio resident dumbass”.
She says something really original like “Hey” because that’s all she knows how to say apparently. Then the rest follows, she rambles, stammering like a fucking bumbling idiot. If she had a reputation to uphold this all would be more fucking embarrassing, but at least being a “slut burnout” has it’s perks. This leads to Natalie agreeing to hang out, which is so foreign. Because who would think in their right minds that they would just have light chit chat, and maybe after they'd go get mani-pedis or some other stupid shit like that. Whatever it is that girls who haven't had to smell smoke and ash more than any other scent, more than the smell of food being cooked and simmered in their kitchen constantly do.
Girls like Shauna who haven't almost stepped in the brain that spilled on the creaky, dust, and blood filled linoleum flooring of her trailer. Who didn’t hear a bang, a loud sound that erupted to follow the silence of an emotionally and physically abusive father. As it rang in her ears through every nightmare, and the aftermath of cleaning the spot filled with extra droplets or puddles of scarlet red. Ones who especially, don't live in trailers, don't get scared that their mom is dead from alcohol poisoning on their living room couch after her shifts at work that bleed out more than a work day should, proving itself at night when her body goes loose from drinking and cigarettes inflating her lungs and liver in toxic soot and fatty acidity or fermentation. Well, maybe that's why she's so buddy buddy with Van, they can relate to coming/welcoming home (to) exactly that.
Either way it's no fantasy living in a shitty mobile home with someone she has to be wary of, because her mother hasn't exactly forgiven her for killing her own daddy and isn't afraid to show it, plastered on her skin in bruises and cuts. Ones that can be covered up like accidents that are essential to the commitments of a rigorous high school sport. Maybe less than before, will there appear to be small indents of green, purple, and yellow all forming a collage, familiar since the day she became old enough to become a full fledged flesh bag made to take punches, rather than the punching bags held by a chain, with their leather covers. In that way she is exactly that, her leather is her armor, and the chains on her neck were viewed as exactly that, holding her up, defying the pulls of gravity. Their own handiwork, her mom and dad made, a crafted punching bag that only took 9 months to create. With her feet that plastered her to the ground despite forces that threw only punches and inflicting more jabs throughout what was supposed to be a childhood. She’d get back up, regain balance like a leather-wearing-inflatable-car-dealership-advertisement. Being the air dancers or tube men except instead she’d be advocating for burn outs across New Jersey, sponsored by the screw ups that created her. Once she fully grew into a full fledged punching bag by the age of ten. Though more now than before, Viera will speak her truth, that is when her words aren’t too slurred to understand. She’d accompany her words with the old scars and bruises that are now a pasty white, back to her normal skin tone. Jabbing a knife in places she’d already held scars, reopening them. Condemning her to the cold trailer and even colder words once again. Her mother was even advocating for a potential profession, told her a business would be in store if she finally began charging the men whose dicks she sucked or could have sucked. That’s not her taste, it's not, It's of course not Shauna's aesthetic either, Nat's been desperate but this trailer park trash doesn’t do any of that shit despite the profit that could be made in times of agonizing need, though most importantly they— people like Nat, don’t hang out with people like Shauna.
They’re both seated next to one another under the battered bleachers. It’s rather awkward just being seated next to someone she doesn’t know well enough to pretend they’re even friends with, no matter how long they’ve held soccer in common. Not being easy to just strike up a conversation, other than maybe using the information she learned about her today. That she likes the same music or at least she thinks. It's not exactly like she can say “hey, so have you ever shot your dad with a shotgun before and shattered his head in, leaving brain and blood on the floor? No? Huh, I guess it's not as relatable as I thought then? Oh well.” and then just shrug off the looks of disgust and pity she knows would overflow and spill on whomever she would dare tell, like the way it all spilled on the wooden floor, like scraps of bodily fluids, brain, and blood that spread around the entrance of their trailer, leaving the smell of bleach and Clorox as an aftermath. Sullying the mood like a popped balloon, or a child deprived of their innocence, shattering the looks on people's faces instantly. So of course she does what she does best, what was always intended of her, she fucks it up but this time without even opening her mouth very much. Grabbing a hold of her usual company, her cigarette and lighter, that accompany her so kindly underneath these bleachers. Typically amidst classes when she doesn’t feel bothered enough to attend.
As she holds her cigarette and fumbles her lighter, she feels hands snatching them away. The girl mutters something she thinks were attempts at helping or guiding. Her eyes dart toward the brunette beside her who holds the lighter, inspecting it, and flicking her thumb over the spark wheel, as it leaves a lined indent in her thumb, and finally a spark ignites itself. The fire flickers over her cigarette and the determined face on the doe eyed girl is proven through lowered eyes and frowned brows undoing themselves with the newfound success.
She feels it’s impolite to smoke alone. Almost greedy, so she offers the cigarette to the brunette who frowns and nods their head to say no without speaking it aloud. As she shrugs the nod off, and her lips catch the flamed stick to take a drag, a soft voice speaks abruptly, before she can berate herself for offering it to a nerd, a goody goody for all she knows. Asking for the stick of tobacco politely, Shauna reaches her arm out, unforeseen to her own ears, to note that the role model herself, the star athlete, daughter, and student, wants to take a drag of a cheap brand from a shitty liquor store near Raritan Falls. From the exact opposite of herself, of Shauna. A girl whose reputation is so fucked that even the nerds, the fucking band freaks and theatre geeks themselves, all speak her name in the hallways like a stupid myth or warning. With the implications of which being, don’t be like that slut who fucks anyone, the girl who gives blowies like a dentist gives lollipops. And for the same reasons, so customers would come back in more heaping loads. The tale in school is that she gets railed anywhere and to anyone. The graffiti that plasters itself on the bathroom stalls, and her locker all say the same. Words that never seem to stop ringing or impairing her eyes, leaving a stinging that never leaves upon the reinspection of the words. All burning away at her like the cigarettes and blunts she's smoked in her lifetime.
Why would Shauna wish to even bother with the unworthy piece of shit that Nat is and has lived up to? A slut who’ll ruin her reputation if she’s even seen near her. All of her thoughts vanish upon the brushing of Shauna’s fingertips when she holds Natalie’s cigarette.
It’s a new feeling, a new pair of soft hands. Unrecognizable, not like the one’s she’s touched before, or that have touched her. It was unlike the large, dry, rough skin that had torn away her innocence as easily as the teenage boys who had done so, had leapt at the chance of groping at her boobs with entitlement, upon a lust filled inspection. Yet it was different, exceptionally soft, she can tell Shauna has all the more privileged and name brand skin care or lotions she can’t afford, to attain a soft and plump finish. It is deemed impossible in the implications in Nat’s mind that Shauna can just naturally feel that supple to the touch, there must be an answer that she doesn’t attain, with accordance to the differences in their hands. Nat’s feel unlovable, worn, tattered, calloused, and overused though Shauna’s hold their own delicate, sturdy, yet still strong. Properties that hers can’t seem to hold. She can feel the indents, and Shauna’s fingerprints as proof, marking their identity upon her index and ring finger. It provides a warmth that emits from her hands through each touch, a sting, jolt, a feeling she can’t begin to understand or complicate as it settles in her stomach. Like the feeling of an empty stomach that rattles with hunger she hasn’t quite understood, a craving not in full vision to view at the moment.
Then her attention drifts to her mouth as a puff of smoke wisps away from her un-chapped, pretty pink lips. Probably never have they been sullied by another teenage boy ramming his tongue down her throat and forcing chapped, torn lips and the saliva that contaminated them as a form of lubricant, a substitute for a lack of maintenance or a potential savior, vaseline. The residue of flavored Chapstick is left on her cigarette, she stares for a moment at it, before she hesitantly places it onto her mouth in the same way her teammate had just done. Though the difference being that when Shauna took it to herself it looked rebellious, it looked appealing, like a girl on the cover of one of those filthy magazines she saw men take home from the liquor store in Raritan Falls, or like the ones her father shamelessly read on their battered couch.
It was attractive, weirdly enough, not like she was fucking attracted to her, she wasn’t a dyke. Despite how soccer seemed to make it seem that way. Not that she’s a bigot, she is fine with people being gay or whatever, I mean she’s pretty sure Van was as queer as a bowl of fruit punch or a pride parade, but that wasn’t her. Sure she can admit she’s a slut, and a father killer in most likely more ways than one, Kevyn’s father looked like he had a stroke the day he stumbled upon the absolute bundle of joy being the Natalie Scatorccio in his living room. Even worse the way his face sank and surely blood pressure fell, when she entered and left Kevyn’s room after his door was shut for potential witnesses.
Back to the point, being that she isn’t a queer. Though time went by quicker than it typically did, her cigarette tasted better, and she had company that was rather unexpected but nice or something along those lines. That doesn’t make her gay though (she thinks). Or a lesbian, whatever. It just makes her a lonely, pathetic, desperate, girl who has no friends, and apparently seeks the attention now in the form of an academic stickler.
Notes:
Sup guys, how'd you feel about it, btw I went back and realized the last time I updated was literally the day before my birthday, so I really did have my priorities straight huh? Yup but I hope it didn't put you to sleep like it did with me, though if you're an insomniac and it put you to sleep, then maybe I do have a talent. Rather than actual skill or prowess in writing, I am a full time sand man, or the equivalent to two melatonin gummies and a night time NyQuil. Yeah but I hope y'all have a good day or night and overall enjoy the work. (sorry it took so long to update, and is quite short of a chapter, lowkey going through the problems that are me being a full time dumbass. Which is a job in itself i guess. :|) Also ignore the very last note, it keeps repeating since the first chapter and idk how to delete it.
mogizfry on Chapter 1 Sun 11 May 2025 05:43AM UTC
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hil5e6yadam on Chapter 1 Sun 11 May 2025 05:57AM UTC
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K (Guest) on Chapter 1 Sun 11 May 2025 12:57PM UTC
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hil5e6yadam on Chapter 1 Sun 11 May 2025 08:29PM UTC
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Yello15 on Chapter 1 Mon 12 May 2025 04:58PM UTC
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hil5e6yadam on Chapter 1 Tue 13 May 2025 08:28AM UTC
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