Chapter Text
The late afternoon sun spilled lazily through the tall window, bathing the room in golden light. It was quiet and peaceful, even until Noli suddenly slammed both hands onto the soft bed like a man on a mission.
“That’s it. This ends today!” Noli announced with dramatic flair. “C00lkidd. My child– My gremlin. You are going to speak.”
Noli sat cross-legged on the carpeted floor of their room, C00lkidd plopped in front of him, holding a teething ring. A determined look crossed Noli’s face as he leaned forward, elbows on his knees.
Noli pointed at him. “Say Papa!” C00lkidd stared at him. It was a blank, unbothered, powerful stare.
Then the bedroom door creaked open behind him.
Chance leaned against the frame, soda can in hand, watching the scene like it was a play. “Hey, uh. Is this a seance or an exorcism?”
“Neither..” Noli huffed, standing to his feet. “It’s a linguistic intervention.”
Chance blinked. “...That’s the nerdiest thing I’ve ever heard in this house.”
“I’m serious!” Noli said, jabbing a finger toward the red baby on the bed. “He’s one year old now. He understands things. I’ve seen the way he reacts when we say ‘bath’ or ‘no biting.’” C00lkidd cocked his head at the word bath. He stuck his tongue out slowly and defiantly.
“See? He’s capable of selective comprehension!” Noli turned to Chance with a triumphant grin.
Chance snorted. “Selective gremlinry, more like.”
C00lkidd crawled to the edge of the bed and planted his hands firmly against the mattress. The sunlight haloed around his horns like he was some kind of corrupted cherub. He locked eyes with Noli.
“Alright, kid.” Chance said, crouching beside the bed now, one hand held up like he was coaching a toddler soccer match. “C’mon. Say ‘tax evasion.’ Or ‘cash.’ Or Noli. Just give us anything.”
“Baaaah…” C00lkidd babbled.
“Don't teach him that.” Noli scoffed.
"Aye, I'm tryna' help you out here!" Chance crossed his arms.
C00lkidd blinked. Then, with the most deliberate face imaginable, let out a smug little “bla bla blaaaaa……” complete with dramatic drool.
“He’s mocking me!” Noli cried, falling back onto the floor like he’d been hit in the chest.
Chance burst out laughing. “This kid’s got comedic timing. You sure he’s not your spawn, Noli?”
“I hope not.” Noli groaned into the floor. “If I created this, I need to go to jail.”
C00lkidd clapped his hands excitedly and bounced on the bed like he’d won the battle. He babbled something fast and incoherent, then stuck his foot in his mouth.
“Maybe we’re too dumb to understand him.” Chance said, standing up and brushing off his jeans. “Like that one regular show episode where Mordecai and Rigby become too smart–”
“Okay, nerd. You don’t need to bring your cartoons into this.” Noli interrupted. “I just want him to say one word. Just one. For my sanity.” Noli sighed and rubbed his face.
From the floor, he glanced up at C00lkidd, who had now stopped bouncing, watching both of them with curious, mischief-filled eyes. His mouth opened. The two adults leaned in expectantly.
Then C00lkidd screamed.
Chance burst out laughing. “Now that’s a word in his language.”
“Well that’s suffering in mine.” Noli groaned, flopping onto the floor in defeat. C00lkidd crawled onto Noli’s back triumphantly, babbling in a string of nonsense that somehow sounded suspiciously condescending.
Chance took another sip of soda and nudged Noli with his foot. “You want him to talk? Gotta make it worth his while. Maybe threaten to take away his favorite wire to chew on.”
Noli growled into the floor. “I already tried that. He bit my hoodie drawstring in retaliation.” C00lkidd sneezed, then let out another screech like a final punctuation to his chaos.
“Yeah, well that’s children for ya’.” Chance muttered, looking at the baby with awe.
Noli sighed, still lying flat on the ground. “Please kid, just say something.. Anything!” Noli practically begged, turning his head to somewhat face his kid. C00lkidd giggled like he understood exactly what frustration his father was feeling.
Then the door creaked open again.
007n7 stepped inside, hoodie sleeves pushed up to his elbows and his burger hat slightly askew. His glasses were fogged from walking through the mansion's weirdly humid hallway, and he looked approximately three seconds away from collapsing into a pile of hoodie and stress.
007n7 rubbed his face with one hand. “What happened with the kid this time..”
“Seven!” Chance yelled, clutching his sides and grinning from ear to ear. “You’re just in time. The kid just screamed at us and Noli thinks he’s being mocked.”
007n7 blinked, unamused, as he shuffled further into the room. “Cool. I nearly got lost in a hallway that just loops into itself. Again.”
C00lkidd perked up, his eyes locked onto the exhausted figure of his other father. Then, with all the confidence of a baby who had never spoken a word in his life, C00lkidd reached out and chirped.
“Mama?” C00lkidd innocently babbled, his small hands opening and closing, indicating that he wanted to get picked up.
There was a full three seconds of stunned silence.
Chance howled. He dropped to his knees, gasping for air, soda can clattering to the floor.
Noli screeched with laughter, absolutely losing it as he rolled over onto his back, cackling so hard it looked like he was in pain. “Mama!? Oh Sev–” Noli clutched his stomach from the laughter. “Good job– Hah– Good job, kid–” Noli was practically crying now.
007n7 froze. Visibly. He stared at C00lkidd, eyes wide behind pink-tinted glasses, brain short-circuiting. “What.” 007n7 croaked, stepping forward like a man approaching a ticking bomb. “What did you just say?”
“Mama!” C00lkidd repeated sweetly, completely unaware of the chaos he’d just unleashed. His little hands reached out for 007n7.
007n7 stumbled backward like he’d been shot. “He said a word?” 007n7 yelled, voice cracking with disbelief. “He- He spoke!? Finally spoke?!”
Chance was wheezing on the floor. “First word! First actual word and it’s– Mama! Oh my Telamon, it’s you!” Chance was running out of air with each wheeze.
“Why not papa? Or literally anything else?” 007n7 cried, pointing a shaky finger at the baby like he had just been betrayed. “I am not your mama!! I’m your– guardian!!”
“Mama!” C00lkidd giggled proudly, clapping his hands.
“He’s doubling down!” Noli shrieked, rolling off the floor in hysterics.
007n7 turned and dramatically leaned against the wall like he needed physical support to endure the emotional damage. “I work, I clean, I feed him green mush. I gave up my entire lunch break to sing to him when he wouldn’t nap– and this is the thanks I get?”
Chance was crying now. “Looks like you’re the mama now.” Chance teased.
“I am not the mama!” 007n7 barked back, but his voice cracked like he’d already accepted defeat. C00lkidd cooed, then yawned, as if proud of his little linguistic debut. “I hate this house.” 007n7 muttered into the wall, while Noli and Chance continued to fall apart laughing behind him.
But still– despite all the yelling and embarrassment, 007n7’s heart fluttered a little. Even if it was “Mama.” his weird demon child had finally spoken.
007n7 then turned back to look at C00lkidd, still perched triumphantly on the bed like a gremlin king who just conquered a language.
“How about… Papa?” 007n7 tried again, his voice tight but patient, like a man bargaining with a fire alarm. He crouched slightly, offering a small, hopeful smile. “Can you say it with me? Paa–pa.” He sounded it out, slow and deliberate, nodding encouragingly.
C00lkidd blinked once. Then, with defiant joy, C00lkidd chirped again. “Mama!” C00lkidd clapped his hands.
From the floor, Noli let out a wheeze so loud it echoed. He was curled into Chance’s side, practically howling into his hoodie sleeve. “Dude–” Noli gasped between laughs. “I can’t take this, bro– you’re his mama!”
Chance clutched his chest dramatically, barely staying upright as he leaned into Noli for support. “He knows what he’s doing, too. Look at that smug little gremlin face. He’s doing it on purpose.”
007n7 exhaled slowly through his nose, trying to remain composed. He pointed at himself gently, trying again. “Papa. Say it with me– papaa .” He exaggerated each syllable with hand gestures, as if trying to summon the word into existence.
C00lkidd stared, squinted slightly like he was trying to compute it and then his lip quivered. “…Mama?” C00lkidd whispered.
007n7’s eye twitched. “No.. Papa.” 007n7’s strained smile was slowly drooping.
C00lkidd’s face scrunched up. “Mama!” C00lkidd cried, louder this time.
007n7’s arms fell limp at his sides. “No no no, we just said– Papa.” 007n7 reiterated once more.
“Mama!!” C00lkidd yelled, now bouncing slightly on the bed, tears welling in his big cartoonishly round eyes.
007n7 backed up a step. “Okay, whoa. No need to cry, we can–”
“Mama! Mama! Mama!” C00lkidd wailed, crawling to the edge of the bed and holding his arms out in pure baby despair, his whole little demon body trembling with the effort.
“Dude.” Noli sniffled, half-laughing, half-concerned. “You broke the baby.”
“He wants his mama.” Chance said, both hands dramatically clasped over his heart like he was watching a tragic romance unfold. “You have to embrace it.”
007n7 froze. His shoulders sagged in defeat. He ran both hands down his face and mumbled into them. “Fine.” he finally groaned, walking back over and scooping up the sobbing red baby. “Fine. I’m Mama now, I guess..”
C00lkidd immediately stopped crying, cuddling up into 007n7’s hoodie like nothing had happened. “Mama.” he sighed contentedly, tiny claws gripping the fabric as he snuggled in.
A beat of silence passed.
007n7 sat down on the edge of the bed, expression blank, baby latched to his chest like a barnacle. “This is my life now.” 007n7 whispered.
C00lkidd let out a tiny snore, his little claws still gripping the fabric of 007n7’s hoodie. His red horns nestled perfectly under 007n7’s chin like he belonged there. And unfortunately, he did.
Across the room, Noli was still collapsed onto the floor as he buried his laughter in his hoodie. “I can’t– I can’t breathe, man.” Noli wheezed out softly.
Chance was lying flat on the floor now too, arms and legs splayed like a crime scene chalk outline, trying to steady his breathing.
“Stop laughing so loud.” 007n7 muttered, deadpan. “You’ll wake him up and I’ll cry.”
That actually did it. Noli slapped a hand over his mouth mid-laugh, eyes widening like he’d just remembered he was in a library. “Oh right– right, right.” Noli hissed between his fingers, glancing nervously at the sleeping baby on 007n7’s chest. “He’s finally out. We do not mess this up.”
Chance dragged himself up from the floor like a reanimated corpse, tiptoeing over with the exaggerated silence of someone who had definitely been yelled at for waking a baby before. He perched himself on the edge of a footstool, resting his chin in one palm and peering at the demon baby.
“…It’s kinda cute.” he admitted after a beat. “In a, like, horrifying gremlin way.”
007n7 sighed, gently adjusting C00lkidd’s position as the kid let out another soft snore. “You weren’t saying that ten minutes ago when he screeched ‘Mama’ like his life depended on it.”
“I was saying it.” Chance whispered. “Just through intense laughter.” Chance snickered.
“I still can’t believe it.” Noli whispered from his chair. “I really thought his first word was gonna be, like… ‘box.’ Or ‘kill.’ Or ‘chew.’ Something evil and fitting.”
“But no–” Chance said, pressing a hand to his heart. “He said Mama.”
007n7 groaned, tipping his head back against the wall. “I’m gonna have to live with this forever, aren’t I?”
Noli shrugged with a grin, now whispering. “C00lkidd said it, so it’s law now.”
There was a soft moment of silence. The kind that settled over a room like a blanket after the chaos had finally burned out. The three of them– roommates, ex-griefers, gambling millionaires– sat there in the bedroom.
007n7 blinked slowly, finally mustering the energy to speak. “…Is this what you guys have been doing while I was out?” 007n7 asked, voice dry but curious, one eyebrow raised.
Noli glanced up at him from where he was flopped in the chair, arms draped like laundry. “At first we were just trying to get him to say anything. Anything at all– but it was completely unsuccessful...” Noli whispered, with exaggerated drama.
Noli then gestured dramatically toward Chance. “Then this guy joined the cause.”
“I was very helpful.” Chance smirked with a solemn nod.
“Sure you were..” Noli scoffed. “But nothing worked. Until you walked in.” Noli pointed at 007n7. “ Then he decides to bust out a full word. Just drops a ‘Mama’ like it was the easiest thing in the world.”
“I think it was planned,” Chance whispered with faux seriousness, stroking an imaginary beard. “Calculated. He knew it would emotionally destabilize you.”
007n7 gave them both a long, exhausted stare. “I’m emotionally stable.” 007n7 said, despite the tiny demon still clinging to him like he was a tree branch.
“Sure, Mama.” Noli grinned.
“Don’t.” 007n7’s voice cracked slightly. “Don’t start that.”
Noli tilted his head, watching him with a soft look. “You handled it pretty well, though, when our kid called you that.” Noli teased playfully.
“That’s because I’m already too tired to scream.” 007n7 groaned softly, letting his head fall forward until his forehead lightly thunked against C00lkidd’s tiny horns.
There was a soft chuckle shared between them, all three finally growing quiet again. The kind of quiet that only came when a baby had fallen asleep, the weight of the day had settled, and laughter had drained every last bit of tension from the room.
“Okay..” Noli whispered finally, his voice barely audible. “Now that we’ve calmed down, what’s for dinner?”
“Whatever I see in my fridge.” Chance shrugged, pushing off from the wall and stretching his arms over his head. “You coming?”
Noli gave a nod and slowly stood, throwing one last glance at 007n7, who was still glued to the bed with a sleeping demon-baby latched to his hoodie.
“If any of you plan on making or heating up food, bring some up for me, please.” 007n7 mumbled, barely moving his head as he spoke. His eyes were fixed forward like a man staring into the void. C00lkidd drooled peacefully across his chest like an innocent criminal.
“Yeah, yeah, ‘mama’ needs his sustenance.” Noli snickered under his breath as he followed Chance out of the room.
“Whatever, jerk.” 007n7 scoffed. Noli gave a wink, then finally exited the room.
The duo walked down the massive hallways leading towards the kitchen. Noli was definitely never going to memorize this mansion. Chance then stopped in front of a big wooden door, pushing it open.
The kitchen, despite its massive size, felt oddly quiet without any of the usual sounds that filled their dorm. No dormmates yelling in the halls, no microwave beeping constantly, no late night ramen slurping. Just the soft hum of an industrial-sized fridge and the occasional click of utensils.
Noli opened the fridge while Chance leaned against the marble counter, arms crossed. “You really don’t have a single maid?” Noli asked, peering in at the neatly arranged containers.
“Don’t need one.” Chance said. “Too many people around makes it feel like a hotel.”
“You live in a hotel.” Noli muttered, grabbing two boxes and popping them into the oversized microwave. Chance grinned but didn’t argue.
They stood in silence for a bit, the microwave humming low in the background. Noli leaned against the fridge, arms crossed, waiting. Chance watched him for a moment before finally breaking the quiet.
“So..” Chance started, casually, but with that unmistakable edge of curiosity. “Where’d you even get that baby from, anyway?”
Noli blinked, then slowly turned his head. “What?”
“That little red gremlin. C00lkidd, right?” Chance tilted his head. “I figured I’d ask earlier, but then y’know, there was the crying, the laughing, the emotional breakdown– the usual.”
Noli rubbed the back of his neck, suddenly quiet. “Oh. Right.” The microwave beeped. Noli opened it and took a moment too long to stir the contents of one container before speaking.
“We didn’t exactly get him . He kinda just.. kinda showed up.” Noli looked down, unsure if he should laugh or cry. “One day, Seven and I get back to our dorm from class, right? And boom– there he is. Sitting in a cardboard box. Right on top of our bed.”
Chance raised his eyebrows, clearly not expecting that answer. “On your bed?”
“Yup.” Noli popped the ‘p’. “Just sitting there. Sleeping soundly without a care in the world. We thought it was a prank at first.”
“Did you at least call someone?” Chance blinked.
“And have people freak out over a red demon baby?” Noli chuckled softly. “We’d rather not..” Noli got a plate, moving the leftovers over onto the plate.
“So why didn’t you leave him somewhere?” Chance muttered, then his shoulders stiffened. “Not saying I stand for abandoning infants or anything!” Chance waved his hands defensively.
“Nah, you’re good.” Noli chuckled. “Well at first we wanted to, though something about him just stuck. He looked so... helpless. Like, he could set fire to our bedsheets any second, but also like he needed someone.”
Chance didn’t reply right away. His eyes were fixed on Noli now, face unreadable. Noli went on.
“We tried looking for someone– anyone– who might’ve lost a baby, or dumped him, or something.” Noli ranted, his hands busy fixing the leftovers on the plate.
“And you just… kept him?”
Noli looked down at the now-steaming leftovers and gave a half-smile. “Yeah. We didn’t mean to. But he kinda grew on us..”
Chance was quiet for a beat. Then, he let out a low whistle. “That’s some weird backstory shit you got there, Nols.”
Noli laughed. “Yeah. I guess it is.” Noli then grabbed the plates, balancing them with practiced ease. “Come on. Mama’s waiting.”
“Oh Telamon, don’t say that.” Chance snorted as he followed Noli out.
“Too late.” Noli smirked.