let this go forever

by edsfkas

Summary:

Spencer gets taken by an unsub. Again. He struggles through the aftermath, feeling as though hes reliving what happened with Tobias Hankel all over again. At first all he wants is Derek, then he wants space, then he doesn't know what else to do.

Or

Spencer relapses after getting kidnapped. Derek tries his best to help him through it.

Notes:

send it into space

and watch the planets turn

Chapter 1: watch the planets turn

Its 2008. Two years ago was supposed to be the last time Spencer got kidnapped. This wasn’t how the case was supposed to go. It was supposed to be over. The team found the unsub. They were supposed to fly back home from California. Then, Derek and Spencer were supposed to drive back to their house. Sleep in their own bed. Next to each other. 

Plans had changed. The team had found the unsub. They just didnt know there was another one. One that now had Spencer held hostage. 

-

They had profiled the first unsub to be a white male in his late twenties to early thirties. He took women and tied them up, then shot them, recreating a scene of his mother getting shot that he unfortunately witnessed at a young age. He was clean. Precise. The same every time. They had no idea he was working with another person.   

They figured out who the unsub was. A man by the name of Nelson Carter. Garcia found an address of an old abandoned house that used to belong to his aunt. His aunt that had adopted him after his mother’s death. The aunt that died two months before the killings started. 

Emily and Spencer were the closest to the location. They were at a possible witnesses house. So, they headed over to the address, while the rest of the team was 20 minutes behind them. 

When Emily and Spencer got there, it went by quickly. They walked into the house to find Nelson in the current act of tying up the girl he was about to shoot. Spencer talked him into putting the gun down. Emily cuffed him and Spencer untied the girl. 

Emily walked Nelson outside of the house to wait for the police to arrive. Spencer heard a noise. 

Spencer followed the noise. 

Everything went black. 

20 minutes was all it took. Derek was 20 minutes away from Spencer, and something horrible had happened. 

—

The rest of the team shows up, along with the police. They take Nelson into the police car, and Rossi leads the victim into the fbi car to bring her back to the station.

“Let’s get back to the hotel and grab out stuff. We have a long fight.” Hotch announces. 

“Guys. Where’s Reid?” Derek asks suddenly.

When Derek and Spencer are separated on cases, he's the first thing he looks for when arriving to his supposed location. Whether it’s the crime scene or a police station. He always looks for his tall lanky figure, his messy hair, his adorably complicated outfits. 

He saw none of it, now.

”Spence?” JJ looks around. 

Emily looks around as well, “I swear he was right here- he probably went to the car with Rossi. Cmon.” 

Derek knows he didn't, because he didn't see him anywhere when he first arrived to the scene in said car. 

Emily and Hotch go to the car, while JJ walks into the house. She looks around, not seeing anything. She walks to the kitchen, where there’s a door to the backyard. She walks out, and there’s Spencer’s badge. 

“Guys!” She yells, kneeling down. Derek, who had already followed her into the house to look, comes immediately.

He picks it up, dread rushing through him. Stomach dropping. 

“Fuck!”

”What’s wrong?” Hotch asks, walking over to them. 

“His badge.” Derek holds it out. “He’s missing. He’s gone.” 

Hotch kneels down and observes the dirt that looks like someone had been dragged. But not just someone. Spencer. 

“Was Nelson working with another person?” Hotch asks. 

“That son of a bitch!” Derek yells and runs back to where the cars were parked. He tries Spencer’s phone, but of course no answer. 

The team rushes back to the station to question Nelson. 

-

Spencer groans, waking up with his head pounding. His arms tied behind his back. He’s sitting in a chair. He’s tied to the chair.  

“There- God! You’re awake.” 

Spencer opens his eyes slowly, registering what had happened.  

This man wasn’t Nelson, no. They got Nelson. Who-

“-Are you?” He manages to ask. 

“Randall.” He replies. He looks stressed out, irritated. He’s holding a gun.

“You’re with Nelson.” Spencer says. 

“Not anymore. You took him!” 

“We- he was killing women. Were you helping him?” 

“No! I've never killed anyone.” 

Spencer believes him, oddly enough. 

“Why did you take me, then? Did you work for Nelson?” Spencer’s words are quiet, his head is still pounding. He’s scared. He doesn’t know Randall. They hadn’t profiled him. Hell, they hadn’t profiled that there was more than one person. He doesn't know how to talk to him. What will work and what wont. He had to proceed with caution. 

“No! Nelson is my best friend. I help him. I watch him.” 

“But you don’t kill.” 

“No- no. But I will if I have to. If it means not going to jail.” Randall answers, pacing back and forth.

“Who-” Spencer swallows. “Who said you’re going to jail?” 

“I’m not stupid.” 

“You didn't kill anyone.” 

“I watched him. I let it happen. Every time. And now I’ve kidnapped a federal agent. I’m not stupid.” 

“We can work something out-” Spencer starts, but is cut off with a punch in the face. 

“Shut up!” Randall yells. Spencer does. It’s all he can think to do. 

Chapter 2: whisper to me, baby

Summary:

whisper to me, baby

i’m too far gone to care

Finding Spencer goes rather quickly and smoothly. Much better than when they were trying to find him in 2005 with Tobias. But stakes are higher for Derek. This is his boyfriend. If anything happened to Spencer back then, he still would’ve been a wreck. He’d probably quit his job and struggle through life without his best friend. If he lost Spencer now…

That wasn’t an option. 

Once Nelson was cuffed in the interrogation room, Rossi goes in first. Derek wants to rip this guys head off, so Hotch basically benches him. 

Nelson wont talk much, but Garcia spends every second working her magic. 

“He won’t talk.” Rossi says with a sigh, coming out of the interrogation room. 

“Oh I’ll make him fucking talk.” Derek says, as he walks to the door. 

“Morgan-” Hotch warns, but he’s already staring holes into Nelsons head. 

“I’m not telling you anything I didnt tell the old fuck.” Nelson says as Morgan approaches. 

“And what did you tell him exactly?” 

“That you guys are stupid for not knowing I had someone with me. I thought you were profilers?” 

“We are. We only didnt know you had a little friend because you do all the work, right? He watched pathetically.” 

Nelson sits up straighter, “Shut up about him.”

”Did I strike a nerve? Don’t want me talking about your buddy?” 

“You don’t know me or him.”

”I don’t need to know you to know everything about you.” 

“You didn't know I was working with somebody. And now your teammate is gone. Shouldn’t you be looking for the missing agent? He might be dead already.”

Derek slams his hands on the table, “I will fucking kill you.” 

Nelson laughs as Hotch storms in, grabbing Dereks arm. 

“Out. Now.” he orders. Derek shoves him away and walks out. 

The team doesn't rest until Garcia figures out who Randall is and tells them an address to check out. 

It’s an abandoned barn in the middle of nowhere. Another one of Nelson’s aunts former properties. The team storms in and sees Spencer, Derek and Emily leading. Relief and anger wash over Derek. 

Randall jumps at the sight of the fbi and holds his gun to Spencer’s head. 

“Derek-” Spencer manages to get out, locking eyes with him.

”Drop the gun. Now.” Derek says firmly, but his eyes are on Spencer’s. Trying to silently tell him that it's okay, he'll be there soon. 

“No! Where’s Nelson?” Randall demands. 

“You know he got arrested, Randall.” Emily says.

”Why! Why- shouldn’t I shoot him? Nelson would be proud.” 

“You don’t have to do everything according to what Nelson would want.” Emily replies calmly. 

“You shoot him and you won't live to see Nelson again.” Derek adds. “Drop the gun.” 

Randall takes the gun away from Spencer’s head, but still has it pointed towards him. “You have to let me see him.” 

“Wel will if you cooperate with us.” Emily speaks up.

Randall hesitates for a moment before dropping the gun on the ground. 

Emily rushes to Randall to cuff him as Derek bolts for Spencer, untying him. 

“Derek-“ Spencer chokes out, tears welling in his eyes. 

“It’s okay- It’s okay.” Derek replies softly, pulling him up off the chair and hugging him. “Where are you hurt?” 

“The- my head-” He starts while reaching up to touch his face where he has a black eye and a cut on his forehead, wincing.

”Don’t- don’t touch it.” Derek says, putting his arm up under his shoulders to help carry him out of the barn. Hotch already called an ambulance to check him out. 

“I can’t- think straight.” He sighs.

“It’s okay Spence- I think you might have a concussion.” JJ says, softly putting Her hand on his arm. 

“Medics are on the way.” Hotch affirms. 

“I don’t need- I’m not shot.” 

“They need to check you out, kiddo.” Rossi assures him. 

Spencer looks at Derek, scared and hurt. He pulls him into another hug. “It’s okay. Ive got you now.” Derek whispers. 

Spencer buries himself into his boyfriend as they walk to the ambulance and sit so Spencer can be checked out. 

“He was- I-” Spencer tries to talk, but his head is spinning. 

“It’s okay, relax.” Derek says, frowning and comfortingly rubbing Spencer’s back. All he can think about now is his Spencer. He can’t even remember how badly he wants to cave Randalls face in. 

The paramedic determines he has a concussion and that he should get stitches on the gash on his forehead from when Randall hit him with his gun.

Spencer agrees and him and Derek get fully in the ambulance. 

“My head hurts.” He says softly. 

“I know baby.” Derek replies, grabbing his hand softly. 

“How long were you out there?” The paramedic asks, keeping a close eye on Spencer. 

“I don’t- know.” He frowns.

”6 hours.” Derek answers. 

Spencer looks at Derek. “I’m sorry.” He knows how scared Derek must have been-

“Don’t apologize, Spencer.”

“But I- I just thought I heard something- I guess I did.” he explains himself, thinking back to before he was knocked out and dragged to the abandoned barn by Randall. “I didn't know that- how did I manage to get taken?”

“It’s not your fault, please don’t do that to yourself.” Derek says and ever so gently runs a hand through his hair. 

“We didn't even profile two unsubs.” 

“I know, but we got them now.” Derek assures as they pull into the hospital.  

-

Spencer gets his stitches and waits patiently to be released. They wanted to check his bruising and make sure everything was okay, along with his head and concussion. 

“Are we still leaving today?” Spencer asks Derek who’s sitting with him, of course. It’s just past 3 am now. 

“I don’t know, it’s pretty late.” He replies.

”I want to go home.” 

“Okay, we’ll go home then. Hotch will be here soon.” Derek holds his hand. Spencer nods, his face seemingly in a permanent look of sadness. 

“I’m sorry Spencer, I'm so sorry. I’m here now.” Derek says softly, wishing more than anything that he could’ve been there to stop this before it happened. 

Spencer wishes the same thing. 

-

After a long, mostly silent jet ride back to Quantico, Derek and Spencer make their way back to Dereks house where they both live. Spencer moved in just last year. 

Derek sets his and Spencer’s things down quickly, then returns his attention to Spencer. He’s standing in the middle fo the living room, looking lost and hopeless. Dereks heart breaks. 

He goes and hugs him as securely as possible. Spencer buries his face into his shoulder and finally lets it out. Tears stream down his face and intro Dereks shoulder as he grips the back of his shirt tightly. 

Derek feels himself tear up after hearing a heartbreaking sob come from his boyfriend. He holds the back of his head, fingers intertwining with his messy hair. “I've got you.” He whispers. 

Spencer nods and pulls away, wiping his eyes. “I’m sorry-”

“Don’t apologize. None of this is your fault.” Derek assures, taking Spencer’s face into his hands. Spencer only responds by looking into his eyes. 

“Do you want to get into bed?” Derek then asks.

Spencer nods.

Derek leads them into the bedroom and gets one of his shirts for Spencer to wear, along with a pair Spencer’s pajama pants. 

Spencer changes, and Derek winces when he sees the bruises up his sides. He changes next as Spencer sits in bed. 

Derek follows, sitting next to him. Spencer pulls his knees up, hugging them, thinking about everything that had just happened. 

“Lay down with me.” Derek says gently. Spencer complies and lays down on Derek’s chest. 

“Please try to get some sleep, baby.” Derek says, running his fingers through Spencer’s hair gently. 

“Okay…” Spencer says hesitantly. 

“We’ll get you a shower- or a bath tomorrow. And we can talk if you want.” 

Spencer only nods and buries his face into Dereks chest. 

“You’re safe. I got you.” Derek says. Another nod. 

“I love you.” 

“I love you too.” Spencer whispers. 

Chapter 3: you’re fallin’ asleep

Notes:

now i’m laying in bed with you

and you’re fallin’ asleep

The next morning Derek wakes up earlier than Spencer. He sits there holding him, replaying everything that happened the day before. Regret, guilt, and everything else washes over him. He pushes all of it away when Spencer startles awake, sitting up. 

“Hey- hey,” Derek starts, watching Spencer's eyes travel across the room. Not registering where he is. 

“You’re here, your home.” He says calmly, putting a hand on Spencer’s shoulder. 

Spencer sighs heavy, looking hurt, tired, and relieved. Relieved that he’s where he feels the safest. “Derek.” 

“Yeah baby, it’s me. You’re okay.” Derek soothes, wrapping his arm fully around him. 

Spencer rubs his face, sighing. 

“Careful- you’re gonna hurt yourself.” Derek says softly, grabbing his wrist and gently pulling it down. Spencer’s black eye is more prominent than the night before. 

“Sorry- I’m just-” 

“Don’t apologize,” Derek cuts him off. “I just don’t want you to be in more pain.” 

“I know… my eye hurts pretty bad.” 

“Do you want medicine baby?” 

“I- I want to get clean,” Spencer states. “I feel dirty.” 

“Okay,” Derek says and gets up, holding his hand out. He knows Spencer hates to feel dirty. He knows that feeling gross on top of the physical and mental pain he’s going through must be driving him crazy. He wants to stop that as fast as he can. “Let’s go get you clean.” 

Spencer takes his hand and they make their way to the bathroom. 

“Do you want a bath? It’s probably better than standing up right now.”

Spencer nods a little. Derek starts filling up the bath, putting it at the perfect temperature he learned from showering with Spencer for years. “Do you want bubbles?”

Another nod. 

Once the bath is ready Derek helps Spencer get his clothes off. He winces at the bruises displayed over his body. The body Derek loves and cherishes. How could someone be so cruel to such a beautiful thing? He has to take a deep breath to control his anger towards Raymond. 

He helps Spencer into the bathtub and smiles a bit when he hears a relieved sigh. 

“Good?” He asks. 

“Mhm.” Spencer says and shuts his eyes. Derek gently combs through his hair with his fingers. 

After a moment, he gets a rag and dampens it before gently cleaning off Spencer’s face. There was still some dirt and dried blood.

“Thank you.” Spencer says quietly. 

“I love you.” Derek simply responds. “How are you feeling now?” 

“I’m feeling nauseous. And everything hurts.”

“You need to eat. I’ll make you something when you get out, and you can take some Tylenol. And ointment for your eye.” 

Spencer simply nods.

”Do you want your hair wet?” 

Another nod.

Derek gets up and retrieves a cup before filling it with the warm water. ”Lean your head back.”

Spencer does so and Derek shields his face with one hand, and pours the water on his hair slowly. Spencer lets out a sigh that lets Derek know it feels nice. He grabs Spencer's shampoo and gently massages it into his already tangled hair. 

“I’m sorry you have to do this.” Spencer finally speaks, quietly. 

“Hey, don’t apologize,” Derek frowns as he begins rinsing the shampoo out of Spencer's hair. “I want to.” 

“Thank you.” Spencer says, and for the first time since it happened he's not thinking about the horrors he encountered, he's thinking about how he’d be lost without Derek. 

-

Once Spencer is out of the shower, and he's eaten the soup Derek made for him, the two sit on the couch to talk. Finally. 

Spencer pulls his knees up, hugging them. Trying not to cry. 

“Hey, talk to me, pretty boy.” Derek says with a gentle hand on his shoulder. 

“I don’t know what to do-” Spencer responds, voice cracking, a tear falling down his face. 

“What do you mean baby?” 

“I can’t stop thinking about it. It’s freaking me out.” 

“Get it off your mind then. Tell me what you’re thinking about.” Derek swallows hard. He’s not sure if he’s entirely ready to hear the details. 

“I just can’t believe it happened again.” 

Derek nods and sighs, putting his arm around him. “I know,” He says as Spencer lets out a quiet sob. One that’s threatening to break Derek's heart. “I got you now, you’re safe.”

“I was just scared,” Spencer starts, taking a deep breath. “So scared. I wanted you, that’s all I kept thinking about. And this guy- he wanted to hurt me. Tobias didn't want to hurt me. But he did.” 

“I know baby,” Derek will never understand how someone could hurt an absolute angel on earth. “He’s gone.” 

“I feel so- stupid. I’m an FBI agent who keeps getting kidnapped.” 

“Stop that. Don’t go there, Spence. This isn't your fault.” 

“I should’ve been more careful. Especially after last time.” 

“Don’t do that to yourself. You heard a noise. You were under the impression that the unsub had already been caught. He had been.”

“I would’ve fought him if I could’ve- he came up behind me,” Spencer says, talking faster now. “It was so cold, he was so reckless. He couldn’t decide if he wanted to kill me or not- I tried to coerce him, he wouldn’t listen.”

Derek nods and holds Spencer's face in his hands. “I’m listening, but you need to breathe baby.”   

Spencer nods and takes a deep shaky breath. 

“I’m just scared, I don’t want to feel like this again. I want to be okay.” 

“I know baby, and you will be. I’m always here with you okay?”

Spencer nods, feeling better after getting all of his thoughts out. He doesn't tell Derek that he doesn’t believe he will be okay. 

-

That night, Derek falls asleep holding Spencer. He knows he's safe in his arms. He thinks he's safe in his arms.

But Spencer can’t sleep. So he sneaks out of his grip in the middle of the night. He goes to the bathroom. Not the master bathroom attached to their bedroom. The guest bathroom. 

He relapses before he can talk himself out of it. 

Chapter 4: how can you look so peaceful

Summary:

how can you look so peaceful

when you know i’m gonna leave?

Spencer is irritable. He has been for the past few days. Derek is all over him. Making sure he eats, gets to sleep, is feeling okay. He needs to make sure Spencer is safe. He may go a little overboard, following him to each room of the house, even standing outside the bathroom when he goes. 

“Do you wanna order takeout tonight?” Derek asks as they walk in from work. Derek protested that Spencer should take more time off, but Spencer protested back. 

“Sure.” Spencer answers, setting his bag down and sitting on the couch. Derek takes care of ordering the food. 

It’s quiet until the food arrives. Derek brings it to the couch for Spencer. He gets a small ‘thank you’, nothing more. It’s even tense. Derek hasn’t put together why yet. 

Once Spencer is finished eating, he gets up heading right to the bathroom. Worried, Derek follows. He knocks softly at the door. “Spencer?” 

“Yeah?”

”Are you okay?” 

“I’m fine.” 

Derek knows he's not. He knows by his choice of words and his tone of voice. The same way he said it in 2006. Before Derek knew he was addicted to dilaudid. 

“Really.” Derek says, almost sarcastically. 

Spencer opens the door and gives him an unimpressed look, “Really.”

Derek raises his eyebrows. He’s in the doorframe, so Spencer can’t move around him. 

“What?” Spencer asks. 

“Why have you been weird towards me?” 

“I haven’t been.”

”You have.” Derek says, softening his tone. 

“I’m just tired.” 

“No,” Derek shakes his head. “because you don’t act like this to me.”

“Act like what?” 

“You haven't been saying anything to me. You’ve been distant and cold. You don’t even want me to be close to you.” Derek explains. 

“Maybe I just need some space.” Spencer says, even though he knows the real reason he’s agitated. He knows it's wrong to be lying. 

“What?”

“You’ve been following me around everywhere. I don’t need a babysitter.” He says, even though maybe he does. Considering what he's been doing while Derek sleeps. 

“I’m just worried…” Derek says softly, feeling bad for being the reason Spencer is so agitated. 

“I know- I just-” Spencer starts, rubbing his eyes aggressively with his palms. 

“Stop it,” Derek says and pulls his wrists down. “If you want me to leave you alone I will. Just say that.” 

“I’m sorry. I don’t want you to leave me alone,” Spencer replies, pulling at his sleeves. “Ive just been feeling suffocated. So maybe just a little space?” 

“Okay- okay.” Derek nods. “I’m sorry, I never want to make you feel suffocated.”

“I know, you’re just worried. I’m sorry I’ve been so rude.” Spencer says.

”You haven't been,” Derek replies quickly, even though he has been. “I just want you to be okay, I don’t want you to get hurt or- hurt yourself or anything.” 

Spencer looks away, trying to hide the guilt on his face. Derek notices. He assumes that Spencer has been thinking about dilaudid again. He thinks he can stop those wants before they become reality. 

“I know it's hard to ask for help but- you’ve done it before. And you aren’t alone.” 

“Thank you.” Spencer says and pulls him into a hug. Derek savors every ounce of it he can. “I think I just want to go to bed now.” 

Derek nods, “Okay, we can do that.” They get ready for bed and Derek plugs the nightlight in before shutting off the light and climbing into bed next to Spencer. 

“I love you,” Derek says, planting a kiss on Spencer's forehead. “Get some good sleep.” 

“I love you too.” Spencer says with a false smile. 

Spencer doesn’t fall asleep. He waits for Derek to be sleeping before sneaking out to the guest bathroom, like he's done the past few nights. He finds his vile and needle, hidden in a first aid kit in the top of the cabinet. He never properly disposed of what he had two years ago. He knew it was wrong to bring it with him when he moved in with Derek. To actively hide it. But here he is, using it. 

Derek stirs awake, immediately noticing the missing body next to him. “Spencer?” He says groggily, sitting up. Nothing. He looks to the other side of the room, where the bathroom door is. Shut. The lights are off. Usually Spencer wouldn’t bother shutting the door, especially if he had to just use the bathroom in the middle of the night. And he especially wouldn’t be in there with no light on.

Derek gets up, checking their bathroom anyways. Nothing. 

He steps out into the hallway, looking for signs of his boyfriend. He notices a peak of light coming from underneath the guest bathroom. He makes his way down the hallway. “Spencer?” 

Spencer jumps, not expecting to hear his other half’s voice right now. “Y-yeah?” He manages to stutter out. 

“Why’re you in this bathroom?” Derek asks, opening the door. 

The lock. Why didn't Spencer lock the door?

Derek stops dead in his tracks. The sight of Spencer with a needle in his arm making him almost immediately sick. He puts his hand over his mouth, turning around. 

“Derek-” Spencer starts, taking the needle out and shoving his opened secrets into the nearest drawer. Derek doesn't say anything. He doesnt know what to say.

After a moment of silence from the both of them, Derek turns back to face him. Theres only one word he manages. “Why?”

Spencer pulls his sleeve down, eyes meeting the floor in embarrassment. “I- I’m sorry.” 

“Why Spencer?” Derek sounds angry, hurt, betrayed? 

“I- I wanted to feel,” Spencer started, stuttering over his words more. “I couldn’t stop myself.” 

Derek knows he's going to pass out. He knows what dilaudid does. His mind flashes to the live stream of Spencer getting tortured, him passing out, him almost dying. “Fuck- Spencer.” 

“I’m sorry Derek- I’m-”

Derek picks him up in his arms just as Spencer goes quiet. He cries quietly while carrying him to bed, laying him on his side and putting every pillow against his back so he doesn’t aspirate. 

He sits up next to Spencer, holding his pulse. Making sure it doesn’t stop. His fingers stay on his wrist as he calls Hotch. 

“Morgan?” Hotch answers groggily. 

“Hotch-” Derek starts, his voice breaking. Hotch knows immediately that something is wrong. 

“Morgan, what is it?” 

“It’s Spencer- hes using again.” Derek barely manages to say. 

“Dilaudid?” Hotch asks, already sounding ten times more alert than his last sentence.

“Yes- I walked in on him doing it.”

“Is he okay right now?” 

 

“He’s passed out, but he's breathing. I don’t know how long it’s been going on- he just said he was sorry.” 

“We need to get him help, immediately. This can’t be like last time.” Hotch says sternly. 

“I know- I know. I have been watching him like a fucking hawk and that still didn't work.” 

“Do you think he’ll fight on getting help? Professionally? I can mandate therapy- make sure he goes back to his group.” 

“He needs to go to rehab.” Derek says matter of factly. 

“You think that’s the best idea?” 

“It’s the only way I’ll know he's safe. The only way I know he’ll be getting the help he needs. Because apparently watching his every move wasn’t even stopping him from sneaking around.” 

“Okay…I’ll make a few calls.” 

“Call me back.” Derek says. 

-

“He can go in tomorrow.” Hotch says through the phone about fifteen minutes later. 

“For how long?” Derek asks. 

“It’s thirty days.” 

“Fuck- okay,” Derek starts, and he starts to think about everything that’s happening. Really. “I can’t take him there.” 

“I can do it.” Hotch says immediately. 

“Okay- I can’t lose him.” Derek's voice is breaking more with every word. 

“You aren’t going to. I'll be there to pick him up at 6:30. Make sure he’s ready.” 

“I will.” 

“We’ll talk soon.” 

The sound of the call ending is the real set in. This is happening. So quickly. Derek gets up and grabs a duffle bag, packing for Spencer. His favorite comfy clothes, most of which are Dereks, his favorite books, and not a single pair of matching socks. 

-

Spencer wakes up, immediately remembering what happened the night before. He bolts up, “Derek- I’m so sorry.” 

“Spencer-” He hasn’t looked around to see the packed bag on the floor. 

“I should’ve told you-” Spencer begins his long apology and explanation, but gets cut off. 

“Hotch is coming to pick you up. You’re going to rehab.” No point beating around the bush, right? 

“What?” Spencer's face goes blank. 

“I packed all of your favorite things.” Derek says, not knowing what else to say. 

“What are you talking about?” Spencer looks around the room, noticing the duffle bag. “Derek. What.” 

“You have to get better.”

“You- can’t be serious.” Spencer looks at him, eyes full of worry. 

“I’m dead serious, Spencer.” 

“You can’t-” Spencer starts, looking at him, silently pleading. “I’m a grown man. You can't just go behind my back and send me to rehab. And you told Hotch? I could lose my job!” 

“You won’t,” Derek starts, shaking his head. “What the hell do you think I was supposed to do Spencer?” There's a tinge of anger in his voice, but he isn't angry. He’s worried, guilty, betrayed. 

“You didn't even wait for me to wake up? To talk to me?” Spencer, on the other hand, is angry. “I can go back to my group- I can stop.” Derek simply shakes his head. 

“What?” Spencer says more than asks, in disbelief that this is all happening right now.

“I can’t argue with you.” 

“No, you can't.” Spencer agrees, and Derek knows he can’t. Spencer could refuse, he was his own person. Derek just hopes that he will do this, that if he doesn't make it seem like an option to Spencer, it won't be. He doesn’t know any other solution. He had failed to keep Spencer safe on his own. “And I- I can make my own decisions.” 

“Not when the decision is to shoot up.” 

Spencer blinks, Derek's words hitting him coldly. “You’re not even giving me a chance to stop myself.” 

“I did. Three years ago.” 

“That’s not fair.” Spencer says, voice breaking. 

“You can be mad at me all you want, but you’re going.” 

“Yeah?” Spencer scoffs at the demand. “For how long?” 

“A month.” Derek replies, looking down. He can’t keep seeing the hurt looks on his boyfriend's face. 

“A month?” Spencer raises his voice, something he doesn't do often. Especially not to Derek. “I have a job. I can't be locked up for a month, I don’t need to be.” 

“That’s what the place said, a month.” 

“And when are you expecting me to go?” 

“Hotch is coming in thirty minutes.” 

Spencer finally allows his heart to sink to the bottom of his chest, and Derek looks up to notice his hazel eyes filling with water. “What- what about Emily and JJ? Garcia? Do they even know this is happening? That they’re not gonna see me for a month?” His voice is breaking, along with Derek's heart. 

“Do you want them to know?” 

“What else are you supposed to tell them? That I’m on vacation?”

Derek stays quiet. 

Spencer finally lets out a sob, “Derek- please,” His voice is shaky, his lip quivering. “I don’t want to be alone- I don’t want to be away from you.” 

Tears to match Spencer's own reluctantly fall down Derek's cheeks. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry, Spencer.” 

“Don’t-” Spencer says through his tears. “Derek.” 

“I’m sorry, I need you need to get better.” Derek looks at him, his eyes full of worry and pleading for Spencer to understand. To forgive him. 

“I will- Derek I will.” Spencer promises, though he's not sure he’s certain of that. 

“I know you will, and I wish it wasn’t for so long- that part wasn't my choice.” 

“No,” Spencer gets up finally, “You don’t have to do this at all.” 

“Spencer. I have been around stuff like this since I was a kid, but seeing you like that- I feel so helpless.” He takes a deep breath before continuing, “I know I’m being selfish, but I just need to know that you’re safe and that you’re getting help.” 

“You don’t have to help me- I can help myself.” 

“Spencer- stop. The one thing I want in life is to protect you and that is exactly what I’m doing. What I thought I was doing to protect you here still didn’t protect you from yourself.” 

Spencer lets himself drop to the floor, hugging his knees. “But I’ll be okay.”

Derek goes to him, “You will be.” 

“Then why can’t I stay?” 

“I’m sorry Spencer. It's okay that you’re mad, but I need you to know that I’m not mad at you. I love you.” Derek says softly. All he wants to do is pull Spencer into his arms. Hold him until he has to say goodbye for a horrid thirty days. But he knows he shouldn’t, he knows Spencer is angry. 

Spencer stands up, walking away from Derek and pacing their bedroom floor. 

“Spencer, I love you more than anything in this world.” Derek tries again. 

“Then why are you making me go away? You know I need you.” 

“Because I don’t know how to help you- I can't help you. I wish I had all the answers, but I’m just as fucking scared as you are.” 

“You don’t have to help Derek, it isn't your responsibility.” 

“What would you do if the roles were reversed?” 

Spencer stops pacing, “Don’t do that.” 

“Exactly.” Derek answers, thinking he finally got Spencer to understand. Though it only makes him more angry. He grabs clothes from the closet and goes into the bathroom to change. When he emerges, Derek is standing. 

“This is humiliating.” 

Derek shakes his head, “It’s not, Spencer. I promise.” 

Spencer is about to speak again when there’s a knock at the door. Hotch. 

“Will you hug me?” Derek asks hesitantly. Spencer responds by throwing himself into his arms, face buried in his neck. “I’m so sorry baby.” 

“I don’t want to lose you.” Spencer whispers in response.

“I don’t want to lose you.” 

Spencer sniffs and pulls away, looking into Derek's water filled eyes. 

“I love you, call me. Whenever you’re ready.” Derek says, putting a hand on his cheek. 

“I love you too.”

They make their way to the door, opening it to Hotch. “You have everything you need?” He asks. Spencer nods and Hotch takes his bag for him. Spencer avoids eye contact with his superior, embarrassed. 

“Bye Spencer.” Derek says quietly. Spencer looks at him, gives a small wave, and follows Hotch to the car. 

Derek hates this. He hates it more than anything. But Spencer is going. He’s going to get help. They’ll be okay, they always are. Spencer being mad at him and not seeing him for a month is a huge cost, but it's a price Derek is willing to pay if it means Spencer can be safe. Better. He would give anything to keep Spencer safe. He hopes Spencer knows that.