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"A man who lies to himself, and believes his own lies, becomes unable to recognize truth, either in himself or in anyone else, and he ends up losing respect for himself and for others. When he has no respect for anyone, he can no longer love, and in him, he yields to his impulses, indulges in the lowest form of pleasure, and behaves in the end like an animal in satisfying his vices. And it all comes from lying--to others and to yourself."
- Fyodor Dostoevsky, The Brothers Karamazov
The rain had started early in the morning, and it covered everything in a heavy, ever-constant blanket of grey static on into the night. Not much was visible beyond it, and for all the men knew, the world simply dropped off and fell away.
Leyden had been shifting around Snafu for the better part of an hour. He seemed to want to say something but didn't entirely know how to start.
He had been grumpy for most of the day. Snafu had been monitoring him from the corner of his eye. Twice he disappeared into the jungle during his free time and twice he had come back to the squad with a jittery little twitch in his step. Sledge had noted it, and even Burgin seemed a little apprehensive.
But then it rather seemed that Leyden always sort of had some kind of irreconcilable problem--with Snafu definitely, and with everyone else, there was always a little more than the momentary quip about his discomfort.
Every once in a while, Leyden would twist his head in Snafu's direction, open his mouth, and then look away. Or stamp his feet in the mud and grunt. His arms folded and unfolded under his poncho, causing it to flutter, as if caught in a current.
Snafu pretended not to notice as he smoked his Raleigh's. He had been on the verge of saying something to rile the man's feathers a few hours ago, but that passed, and with it, Snafu let there be peace. The rain that dripped down from his helmet put his smoke out three times before he cupped it to his mouth and huddled there, trying to keep the little embers from drowning.
Leyden, however, was another story altogether. He wanted to say something alright, something that had been festering in his mind and making him itch with agitation. Snafu, for all he pretended not to know, saw it very clearly.
It had been at first amusing, watching whatever he said sink past the Marine's skin, but as time went on, Snafu started to have an inkling that maybe the results of his prodding would later come back to bite him in the ass.
"How you holdin' up there, Billeyden?" Snafu drawled, stringing the man's first and last names together to make one, after three hours of dragging boredom--where his troubles usually started-- cupping his smoke against his face to save the heat, cradling it against his mouth.
Leyden paused at the sound of his name, cocked his head like a dog in Snafu's direction, and then started pacing in tight little circles. Snafu grinned. This was shaping up to be an interesting night--he could always count on Leyden's reactions.
"You tired yet?"
More taunting, more teasing, while Leyden only paced a little faster. He reminded Snafu of a bull or a gator with its tail caught in a crayfish trap.
"Someone ain' gonna be able to take 'da firs' watch." Snafu observed. He remained wholly oblivious to the darkening storm clouds that were headed his way.
The rain started to fall with urgency, hitting the ground and rebounding up under their ponchos, getting his thighs wet. And who knew? Maybe the water did make Snafu a little more loose, a little more crazy. He could feel what limited inhibition he managed to hold on to start to unravel--a tattered piece of sailcloth held up against the tropical monsoon.
It was always raining at some point or another during the day. At first, no one really minded it, but then it started and just never stopped. Men got crazy when it rained. Made the mud smell like shit, got all over you, under your skin, in your nose.
The mud and the water invaded everything--every nook and cranny on their bodies.
Snafu was born in a swamp. He was used to shit smelling dirt and forest vomit that stuck to his skin like the rot. But the others were different. The others sucked the water into their lungs and became fish. They lost their minds.
Which seemed to be the path Leyden was clear on at the moment--with a little help from Snafu.
"I always said a little man can't do th' same job a tall man can do." Snafu said this loud enough, drawing out every syllable, unlike what he normally did--sink like molasses between them and string words together to make new ones. He wanted to make sure Leyden heard.
Leyden heard alright. He stopped pacing and froze in his place. Snafu was all caught up in the jive of being a smart ass, too much of cocky asshole to notice the deadly shift in the air. Leyden turned around slowly, his head was lowered and his mouth drawn into a thin line.
He was about to add something onto that, but the Marine was stalking over to him, silent as the grave and just as serious. Snafu hadn't been expecting it.
He wheezed as a strong arm caught him in his chest, stumbling as he was pushed up against a boulder. He probably would have been able to shove the smaller man off, he reasoned, if he were able to get traction under his boots.
But the world was so wet; they might as well have been under water.
There was a brief period where Snafu struggled to get free, neither one of them speaking. Leyden was holding him against the stone with a strength Snafu had never credited him with. He was breathing hard with the effort; a mean look in his eyes.
Finally, Snafu gave up. He allowed himself a moment to weigh the possibility of a full-on fist-fight, but Leyden's heavy arm slipped up so that it was pressed against his neck. Snafu's heart started to race despite himself. Leyden would kill him, Snafu thought. His smart mouth was finally catching up to do him in. And how ironic that it would be like this, by one of his own comrades when all the world seemed hellbent on spearing them in the guts.
"What'er ya doin' Leyden?" Snafu drawled, his voice rattling hollowly in his chest as the smaller man braced him against the solid wall of rock and dead coral.
They were alone, off on watch at some strangely empty part of camp. It wouldn't bode well to have the Japs come charging through them to cut down the rest of the Marines. But Leyden was obviously feeling brave.
He brought his face up close to Snafu's. Close enough so that he could feel the angry puffs of breath that gusted across his nose and cheek as Leyden stared at him in through the rain.
"You know what Snafu?" He asked, suddenly, sounding excited. As if he remembered something. "Today's my mom's birthday." The tone at total contrast with the position and menacing proximity. Snafu wondered how Leyden was keeping the dates.
Snafu licked his lips, blinked slowly, like a bullfrog. "Happy birthday t'yer ma, 'den."
Leyden's mouth pulled back in a smile that was almost too wide for his face to accommodate. "Yeah?" He asked as if he couldn't quite believe it. "Thanks."
Snafu returned the grin with his usually slow, lazy smile.
Then, all of the sudden the arm pressed up against his throat jarred him. Snafu wheezed, swore and kicked out a little on reflex.
"Fuck you." Leyden snarled, his attitude changing with a near schizophrenic abruptness. "You don't give a shit 'bout anything."
Snafu was inclined to agree with him. He really didn't give a shit about anything. Except maybe...
"Oh yeah, Eugene, huh? You like him don'tcha?" Leyden grinned like he had discovered a great big secret. Snafu's heart pounded; a rabid dog against a chain link fence.
"What'sa matter beau?" He teased to compensate for the way his thoughts went tumbling around in his head.
"You jealous?" That tone. That was the pusher. That was what got to people.
"You can't fool me Sna-fuu," Leyden cooed, stretching each syllable in his name out, undaunted. "I've seen the way you look at him."
"Oh yeah?" Snafu challenged.
"Yeah."
"How do I look at 'im, den?" Snafu asked one part in contempt, the other in honest curiosity.
Leyden went quiet at that, his face taking on a strange expression. For all Snafu could see in the rain, however, he was still smiling.
"You look at him like, like..." his voice was quiet, small and soft as he drew in close. The arm never loosening on Snafu's neck. "Like you wanna fuck him." Leyden finished, slowly, almost plaintively.
The words were like a sucker punch to the gut, but Snafu, skilled in the art of bullshit, covered it up with perfect indifference. He chuckled lightly. "You sound jealous, cher."
The taunt was the sweetest he had ever tossed at anyone, man or woman. But Leyden reacted as if Snafu had spit on him.
"You think I'mma goddamn queer!?" Leyden hissed, snarled, braced Snafu's body against the wall. Snafu struggled weakly.
"Ah...hah," Snafu laughed or at least tried. If only he could draw enough breath into his lungs. Somewhere the fact that the response had been just a little too revealing made itself known to Snafu, but that would be evidence for later when he would be allowed to sit and smoke. Snafu would wonder why Leyden had gotten so damn sensitive about it. "Ah don' think...Ah know."
The blow came from nowhere, it seemed, and stars and miniature explosions went off behind Snafu's eyes as he coughed. He could feel the bruise already swelling at his temple, right at his eyebrow. Leyden was breathing harshly, the only noise aside from Snafu's panting and the shattering hiss of rain hitting mud.
He was pressing them both together tightly. Snafu struggled for a moment, sagging into the immovable restraint against his chest.
The realization hit Snafu at about the same time the physical press of it did, and it swooped down to steal the awe right out of his head. "You're hard." He announced something like hysteria and triumph coloring his voice.
And Leyden was. He was achingly hard, pressing against Snafu's belly, rutting faintly with the fabric of his uniform. His face colored hotly in the dark, and Snafu could almost see the horror and arousal battling it out behind his eyes. Alarm bells started ringing in Snafu's head, but even that couldn't save him from his own mouth.
Snafu, never one to know when to quit, only taunted further, "I make you hard? Oh, dat's rich..." Laughing, maybe a little crazy. The rain came down harder, soaked through their skin. But it didn't matter because Snafu was the bullfrog safe on his log, and Leyden was the gator, perched just below the water.
Leyden could never hope to reach Snafu where he was, and for all his hungry anger, he couldn't really do anything with all his strength.
So, Snafu was wholly surprised at what Leyden chose to do next. It seemed that one moment he was taking in the taste of the stale tropical rain and cool air, and the next a pair of warm, soft lips descended over his own, pressing hard.
Snafu choked, struggled weakly, bucking his entire body against the small, but still thoroughly impressive strength of the shorter man. Leyden didn't budge. In fact, as Snafu moved futilely under him, he could actually feel the stiff bulge against his stomach grow firmer, larger.
The realization that he was making Leyden hard made Snafu, in turn, a little frantic. But he was always in control, and now that Leyden had gotten him on the ropes, the worst thing he could do was acknowledge it. Snafu would need to play along in order to win the upper hand back.
That decided, with his free hand, Snafu tangled his fingers in the Marine's short blond hair, drawing him closer and tilting his head to deepen the kiss. Leyden parted his lips easily, meeting Snafu's tongue with his own, eager and willing.
That threw Snafu a little further from his practiced calm. He had sort of half expected that the reaction had been from the tussle--because, shit, even Snafu got a little hot and bothered sometimes after a fight; it was only natural.
But Leyden was pressing against him like he couldn't get enough, threading his free hand into Snafu's curly hair, pulling and pressing, his fingers kneading into his scalp like a cat. Snafu, because he didn't understand the concept of enough, would take the fucked up situation and run right off the cliff with it, if it meant staying in control.
So, Snafu did the only thing he thought seemed right and used his height to curl himself over the shorter man, drawing their hips together so that he could thrust himself against Leyden.
This drew an immediate reaction--Leyden moaned, a helpless noise and bucked hard against Snafu. He brought his free hand to Snafu's chest, pawing at the soaked uniform and shoving his hand inside, feeling for skin and running his fingertips over it.
There had been a period back home when Snafu considered the possibility of finding a man attractive--if only because his father had called it disgusting and wrong. Snafu could remember the way the humidity of the swamp out behind his house seemed so much more oppressive than the strong, firm hands of an off-duty sailor against his chest and hip.
The man had been friendly enough, and Snafu displayed the grey-green hand-shaped bruises on his neck with the same cocky show of disobedience he did everything else. It hadn't been sexual, was what he told himself--it was more or less just another trophy of defiance he could wave in people's faces, as if to say, 'y'told me not to, so I saddled up righ' there and stuck my hands in it.'
But this was different. Snafu couldn't say how, exactly, since sequentially, it was going in much the same way as when it did the first time he tried it. Maybe it was in the sharp, almost pained gasps Leyden drew through his nose, or the frantic desperation in his shaking fingers--who could say?
Snafu sighed against the futility of the situation. Letting it carry him away as a succumbed to the closeness. He felt his cock twitch in his pants, rising as the warm sensation coiled in his belly. Leyden kissed him and Snafu was forced to admit to himself that the situation had already started to spiral out of both their control long before it came to this-- because...because no one had ever kissed Snafu like that before. Kissed him like he was some prize that had been won. Leyden kissed him like he wanted him.
He drew back, letting Snafu breathe. "God," Leyden muttered, "God, that's good Snafu...so fucking...so good..." Snafu murmured his agreement, rutting their hips together and letting the heat swirl his thoughts into a boiling soup.
After a beat, Leyden removed his arm, letting Snafu fall forwards. There it was; his freedom. Snafu could jump on him now, pummel him to a bleeding pulp and then saunter off like he had planned to all along. Or he could just run. But the rain had eased to a drizzle, and Leyden was looking at him like Snafu was the only living person left on earth.
The look was setting his skin on fire, making him shake finely under his bones, and Snafu was so hard he was hurting.
The decision was made so fast and so automatically Snafu hardly registered it at all.
He pulled Leyden towards him by his shoulders, turning his face into the stubble covered neck and sucking at the skin there. The taste was of faint musk, sweat, mud and something spicy and smokey. Snafu shuddered and ground their hips together again, already feeling like he was going to explode.
"Ah," Leyden whispered, softly, voice catching as he bucked sharply. "Snafu...Shelton," the name sounding too intimate for Snafu, who whined upon hearing it. "I wanna...can I? I mean...fuck...Snafu, lemme just."
He palmed Snafu's cock through his trousers in lieu of actually finishing his sentence. Snafu was sure that if Leyden had actually voiced what he wanted, then the spell would have broken.
"Yeah," Snafu was saying, pulling his pants apart with trembling fingers. Because Leyden wouldn't say it; and Snafu wouldn't ask. They were safe in the realm of an unspoken lie. "Yeah."
Leyden groaned, shoved his uniform aside. He helped Snafu step out of his dungarees, covering his body quickly with his own, protecting his bare skin from the cool chill and faint drizzle still misting from the sky.
Getting his pants down around his knees, and shoving against Snafu again with a powerful desperation. They reveled in the sensation of naked skin sliding across naked skin, and the feeling was so liberating, almost too intense. Snafu arched his back, breathing hard and Leyden reached his fingers back behind his legs, trailing his fingers towards the crease of his ass.
Snafu was about to stop him when Leyden spoke--Christ, it was like the man never shut up, always keeping a running commentary on everything--"Shit...Snaf...wanted this for so long..." Snafu hoped Leyden would just keep his fucking mouth shut, was about to tell him to when something cool and slick found its way inside of him.
He gasped, shuddered away from the fingers, or at least, he tried to. The rock stopped his movements. He wondered when Leyden found the grease, or where. But Snafu wasn't such a pussy to ask about it. He grunted instead, arching his back and the pressure traveled upward, crooked, and then brushed against something that had stars flashing brightly before his eyes.
"Ah!" Snafu gasped, turned his head back and forth. Leyden watched him the entire time, riveted to the scene of Snafu losing his mind.
"Yeah," Leyden murmured, adding a second, and then the third finger, thrusting at a steady clip. He used his other hand to grip Snafu's cock tightly, and Snafu groaned deep in his throat. Leyden turned his gaze to what his hands were doing, licked his lips, and Snafu missed the expression of unabashed desire boiling hotly just under the man's crystalline blue eyes. "Yeah," he encouraged, "that's it..."
Snafu quickly became deaf to the world around them, knowing somewhere in the more advanced formed part of his mind, that what they were doing was illegal and dangerous and Japs could be sneaking around them even as they rutted like teenagers. But, shit if the pressure of Leyden's fingers driving into him weren't sending him spiraling fast towards ecstasy.
Suddenly, Leyden was slipping out of him, making Snafu blink open his eyes slowly, turning to watch as Leyden fisted his own cock with a slick hand. Snafu watched as he stroked himself--a little rougher than Snafu liked it, but it seemed to be working for him--biting his lip and shuttering his eyes. He studied the way the skin pulled away from the head of his cock--thicker than Snafu's, whose was probably only a little longer in comparison.
Snafu was panting rapidly, the need to touch himself nearly unbearable, and he was about to reach for himself, when Leyden suddenly pressed close, whispering right into the shell of his ear. "I'm gonna fuck you now."
Shivering at the proximity and the hot rush brought on by the words, Snafu felt his eyes go wide. He licked his lips. "Bettah not suck at 'dis." He couldn't help but mouth off.
"Oh, don't worry about that," Leyden pressed himself right up against Snafu's opening, rubbed himself there in a few short thrusts of his hips that made Snafu groan. "When I'm done with you, you won't know which way is up."
Snafu chuckled at that. "Yeah, sure. Ya' talk like a big man...les see if ya can fuck like one."
Leyden didn't need any more invitation than that, it seemed because he slid himself inside in one fluid thrust.
Snafu bit his lip so hard he tasted blood as is bloomed out over his tongue. He shut his eyes and waited for the intense burning sensation of having something far too large pressed where it shouldn't be to end; painful, but not unbearable.
Leyden gasped like a man drowning. "Jesus, fuck," he groaned. "Oh God, Snafu...shit, you're tighter than a fuckin' virgin."
"And ya whine like one," Snafu couldn't help but shoot back, trying to hold the strain out of his voice.
Leyden held still, shaking like he was in physical pain. Snafu knew this wasn't for his benefit--Leyden would blow his load too soon if he started up too quickly. Then, bottom or top, fucker or fucked, Snafu would have cause to ridicule him for the rest of the war.
"Shut up," Leyden hissed, softly, sounding close to tears or screaming. "Shut the fuck up."
Snafu cocked his head. 'Shut up' was like his favorite cue to keep talking.
"Shut up or what?" He sneered, suddenly liking this control he had over the man. "You'll cream ya self?" He asked, only half joking.
"Shut up," Leyden insisted, keeping his head bowed. His arms were shaking.
"Why?" Snafu challenged.
"Because the sound of your voice is gonna make me lose it." The admission came in a broken, hissed rush and Snafu blinked in shock.
Until that moment, Snafu really had no idea what he had been doing to the man. No real concept that his actions and words had consequences beyond his understanding or control. The realization was beyond his current maturation level.
Snafu could only stare at the top of Leyden's head in wide-eyed curiosity as he struggled for control. The opportunity for compassion hovered over Snafu like an angel. He considered it. Then he reached out and cupped the strong jaw and tilted his head upward.
There was something fragile and desperate in Leyden's eyes--something Snafu was unaccustomed to seeing, and he licked his lips slowly, noticing the way he followed the movements of his tongue.
"Go ahead 'den," he offered, as close to gentleness as he was ever going to get. "Fuck me, Billeyden."
Leyden's eyes flashed, and he shifted his hips, pulling back and then pushing forward a little. In the expanse of time it took for Leyden to reign in his lust, Snafu had adjusted the blunt feeling of the man's cock.
When Leyden started up a timid rhythm, Snafu let his head fall back against the stone, feeling a dull surging of something powerful start to brew against the base of his spine. Snafu felt one of his legs being hitched up over a hip, a strong hand holding it in place as Leyden started a little faster, angling himself a little deeper.
Short, sharp puffs of air escaped Leyden's nose, keeping his mouth clamped firmly down and his eyes locked on Snafu's face as he worked himself deeper, deeper. The free hand that had clenched in Snafu's hip moved up to caress his chest, rubbing over a nipple, pinching and massaging in tight circles--the sensation making Snafu shudder and groan.
"Not a fuckin' woman," Snafu rasped, frightened of losing control, suddenly. Frightened of what might slip out of he did.
"Obviously," Leyden muttered, sounding too distracted to actually start up a witty banter. Leyden darted forward--short enough so that he could reach Snafu's chest--to suck on the other while he soothed over the nub with his other hand.
Snafu whimpered, bit his lip and the feelings accumulated in his chest, swirled down into his stomach as his cock strained to be touched. He was about to beg as Leyden moved to the other nipple, sucking and laving it with the flat of his tongue.
But a strong, firm hand reached down to curl around Snafu's weeping erection before he could open his mouth to ask. Snafu moaned, "Oh god! Ah, oh thas' real good Bill, jus like that...yes."
Leyden responded to the encouragement with a broken whine, his hips stuttering up faster as Snafu melted into the rock behind him. When the man struck something inside him, Snafu sobbed, arched his back and dug his nails into Leyden's shoulder. Snafu's thoughts were narrowing, spinning down and together into a single pinprick of light that threatened to sweep away his mind.
"Merriel..." Leyden moaned, voice husky and low and tinged with real meaning behind all his usual swagger and bluster. "Shit..."
Snafu shuddered at the sound of his name--like the ghost echo of his old life reaching out from the grave to find him again. His cock lay stiff and swollen against his stomach and as he reached down for it, he found his fingers knocked aside, and the strong hand resumed it's stroking.
"Mais oui," Snafu was babbling at some point, slipping into the rough Cajun of his past. "Cher," he whispered, "Mon basset beau, mon petit..." Leyden seemed to respond strongly to the French as he groaned, and his hips stuttered weakly.
The world fell away as the two men panted against each other, thrusting and gasping and desperate for the only kind of release they knew they would get from this hell. Leyden was first; his thrusts became jerky and erratic and a guttural groan rose from his chest as he finished.
Slumping against the thin chest and gasping like he had run a marathon, he slipped out of Snafu, hips still twitching weakly as the aftershocks jarred his frazzled nerves.
Snafu whined softly, arching his hips and trying to rut himself against whatever surface he could get purchase on. It took a moment for Leyden to catch on, and he slid down to his knees in the mud, palms splaying at Snafu's thin hips.
He breathed a puff of warm, moist air out over the head of Snafu's erection, watching the way it twitched against his belly.
"Gawdamnit Leyden," Snafu said, choked, almost pleaded. His hips arched up of their own accord.
"What was that?" Leyden asked, smirking as he drank in the sight of Snafu caught in the throes of something far more powerful than his usual cocky attitude.
"Ah said...ah said...get on with it." Snafu gasped, fighting the tears at the corners of his eyes. The itch had turned into a burn under his skin. "Please." He added, just in case Leyden was going to get bitchy about it.
"Since you said please," and suddenly Snafu's world went white-hot and shattered around him. He didn't know anything but the warm wet suction swallowing him down to the root. He thought he might have been saying something akin to 'oh god, oh Jesusohgodohplease.' As Leyden drew up, Snafu's hips rose with him, as if he couldn't bear to part with Leyden's mouth.
He clenched his hands in the short blond hair, not shoving or guiding, but holding on for dear life. Snafu's mouth had dropped slack and thought he might have been drooling on himself, but everything in their world was wet, and nothing mattered at that point.
It took less time than usual for him to come, and when he did, it was with a broken moan and a series of sharp jerks of his hips. Leyden swallowed around him, drawing out Snafu's orgasm and making him tremble and gasp harshly.
Leyden swallowed everything with the practiced ease of a whore, and Snafu thought he would need to mention it later on, somewhere in the part of his mind that was still working. But presently, the only thing he found he could do, was to slip into the mud along with Leyden and try to get control of his breathing again.
"Bet 'da Japs' already sacked camp an' made off inta' da woods." He drawled after a while, all low-class coolness retained once again.
Leyden chuckled, low and rough like he was suffering from a cold. "Then we wouldn't get caught...I guess."
Snafu let the comfortable peace settle around them--the kind that only came with the sated. But it didn't stop the questions from piling up in his mind all the same. What the fuck had that been? Snafu wondered as he studied the Marine from the corner of his eye.
He thought Leyden might actually start to apologize, when he stood up and straightened his clothes, tucking himself away and looking anywhere but Snafu.
"Well..."
"Shut 'da fuck up," Snafu said for him.
Leyden nodded to himself. There was something grateful in the way he was holding himself. Snafu didn't need to be told about it.
Right as he was about to walk off--probably go find the next man for duty--he twitched his head towards Snafu.
"You should tell him," voice soft and only a little hurt. Snafu blinked slowly, unable to catch up with the meanings behind the enigmatic suggestion.
"What?"
"Sledge...you should tell him."
Snafu licked his lips, tried to retrace the steps that led back to that odd statement.
"Don' know what you talking about," Snafu insisted, hoping playing dumb would erase all suspicion.
"His name, dumbass." Leyden clarified. "You said his name."
Snafu was about to ask what the fuck that meant, but Leyden was already walking away, leaving him alone in the mud to let the realization dawn.
Snafu shifted against the rock, smiling to himself and picking at a nail. He thought of Sledge--how the boy's face had flashed like a tracer-arc across his mind the moment he had... The smile slipped and his fingers clenched.
Shit, had he actually? No, Snafu thought, vindictively. Leyden was messing with him; getting the last word. Getting under Snafu's skin. There was no way Snafu would be so careless.
The rain stopped, and for a while, only the white static of Snafu's muted thoughts was all he could hear. He tried to convince himself that he was satisfied, but the hollow ache in the pit of his stomach said differently.