Chapter Text
Felix wasn't quite sure what to make of Natsuki Subaru.
His name, for starters, was confusing. Why begin with family name, instead of your given one? He seemed full of small oddities, tiny customs Felix was sure wouldn't be traced to a single town anywhere in Lugunica. He was fascinatingly ignorant, yet seemed eloquent enough to be reasonably educated, and emerged from seemingly nowhere in the midst of a rival camp.
Felix had thought it suspicious until he'd met the man. Wilhelm, at least, seemed to tolerate him, and combined with how painfully easy it was to tell what he was feeling at any given time, Felix was at least convinced he wasn't a threat.
A threat to anything but his patience, he amended later. Their first session was supposed to have started about ten minutes ago, but he kept wriggling around, asking Felix basic questions like 'Where even is my gate?' and 'How does healing magic work, exactly? Does it accelerate natural healing?', among many, many others. Felix would have regretted humoring him if it hadn't been for the wide-eyed fascination on his face at some of his answers.
“Alright, hold still, nya,” he said, a little exasperated at all the questions. “I cyan't help you if you keep squirming.”
He nodded seriously and straightened his back. “Whatever you say, doc!”
Felix huffed an amused sigh and put his hands up, feeling the water mana coalesce over his hands. “It won't take too long,” he said, moving his hands towards exposed skin. “In a few sessions, nyour gate will-”
Subaru flinched. Hard. Felix paused for a moment, surprised, only for a forced laugh to sound from in front of him.
“Sorry!” Subaru said, way too cheerfully for the gut reaction he'd just had. “I guess I'm just not used to the way healing magic feels. It won't happen again.” He squirmed back into an upright position, and Felix squinted slightly. He resumed his previous task, ignoring but still taking note of how tense his shoulders now were, in anticipation.
This time, his hands managed to make contact with his patient, and Felix closed his eyes. “Mana of water, heal-”
His hands abruptly lost contact with Subaru, a loud crashing sound following the strange loss in sensation. Felix's eyes shot open and he stood up, furious. “Nyatsuki, I can't heal you if you don't-!”
His voice died in his throat when he finally spotted Subaru, eyes wide and hands shaking, pressed as far as possible towards the opposite wall. He looked small in a way Felix knew far too well; a way he'd used, when he was younger, to make himself less of a target. To hide. Felix furrowed his brow, concerned. “...Subaru?”
“I, uh,” the boy tried to choke out. He swallowed, trying in vain to get his breath under control. “I'm sorry, Felix, I, uh-” Slowly, painfully, he stood up from the floor, small bruises taking shape along his arms from the fall. “That's so weird,” he went with instead, a shaky smile on his face. “I'm usually not that easily startled, but I guess I'm just nervous, huh? I'm fine n-”
“Subaru.” The boy flinched again, though it was less severe. Felix almost wanted to be proud of how far his 'you're being a dumbass patient' voice had come, but now wasn't the time. “Sit down.”
Shakily, he sat back down onto the bed they'd been using, and Felix joined him on the other end, eyes darting inquisitively over his face. “Can you tell me what happened?”
Subaru's own eyes were decidedly fixed on his hands, clenching and unclenching repeatedly. “I-it was just-”
“Cut the bullshit, Subaru,” Felix interrupted, voice soft despite his words. “I cyan't be a very good medic if I let this go, nyow can I?”
The following silence wasn't one Felix would describe as uncomfortable, but it was tense. Felix waited patiently, eyes still scanning for any sort of explanation. Felix had seen similar reactions, before – being a medic meant he was almost sure to – but he hoped he was wrong about his comparison. He really did.
Little by little, Subaru's breaths became slower, longer, deeper, and still Felix waited patiently at the edge of the bed. For a moment, he thought to say something – to push, just a bit deeper – but his mouth stayed shut, and his tail stayed still, and the sound of Subaru's calm breathing filled the room.
“I-” he started, before being betrayed by his voice. He swallowed, again, and restarted. “I haven't had the best experience with healing magic.”
Felix tilted his head, confused. He'd suspected a trauma response, sure, but he'd assumed it to be a reaction more to the use of magic in general, or maybe water magic if he got more specific. “With healing magic, nya?”
He nodded slightly, eyes never straying off of his hands. “It's- it happened somewhat recently, so I guess it's still sort of hard to talk about, and it was- it hurt a lot, and-”
“Subaru, breathe,” Felix said, resisting the urge to put a hand on his back. That would probably do more harm than good. “You don't have to tell me everything-”
“It hurt, Felix,” he said suddenly, voice weak and nearly silent. “It hurt so much. She- she kept hitting me, hurting me, breaking me, and every time she'd just- she'd bend down, and I'd think maybe she was done, but she- my- I'd feel so nice and cool, all of a sudden, and everything would hurt a little less, for a little while, and then she'd be right back at it and I just-”
Felix was frozen, wide eyed. His magic was- his magic had been used for -? He glanced down at Subaru's hands, shaking violently even as they clutched at the sheets beneath him. Felix's thoughts had stuttered to a halt; his magic – healing magic was beautiful, how could someone dare to use it that way, to warp it until it caused such pain-?
He'd been so stunned that he'd failed to notice, for a moment, that Subaru had kept going.
“-and I've forgiven her, of course I have, it wasn't her fault but it's hard to-”
His eyes widened. ...wait, what?
“-and like, no harm no foul, right? It's not like there was any lasting damage-”
Wait wait wait wait-
“-nobody remembers, anyway, so acting like it's some big deal is stupid-”
He can't be serious. Can he?
“-sorry I reacted that way, it was silly of me-”
“Subaru.” The boy stopped talking, the expression on his face suggesting he hadn't meant to say as much as he did, and Felix took a deep breath. “Are you saying,” he continued, voice deathly calm, “that you were tortured. Repeatedly, and recently. Using healing magic?”
“Um- well when you put it that way it does sound pretty bad, I guess-”
“Pretty bad!?” Felix hissed, tail stiff behind him. “Subaru, that's- why didn't you say anyathing when we started!? I could've- we could've worked on a different system, or something, but to just pretend it didn't exist is just stupid, nya.”
Subaru shrunk in place at his words. “In my defense,” he started, hands up in a placating gesture, “I was healed pretty recently by Beatrice, and I didn't react at all.” He paused, considering. “Actually, that may have just been because I was unconscious.”
Felix shut his eyes and massaged the sides of his head. “And why, in all that falls beneath the Dragon's wings, did you need the use of healing magic while unconscious?”
“I was mauled by a pack of wolgarms,” he said casually. “They didn't like the way I smell. Hey, funny coincidence actually-”
“Nyou were what?” Felix shrieked, instantly checking him over again. He hadn't noticed any curses in his preliminary checkup, but he hadn't been looking for them, either. He tried to take relief in the knowledge that if any were still active, he'd already be dead. It didn't help much. “What happened to the curses, nya? It must not have been many, if somebody managed to dispell them-”
“Oh, they're still on me,” Subaru replied, glancing at his arms while Felix checked them over. “Beatrice said they were too many to dispel, so instead Roswaal went and killed all the wolgarms before they could activate.”
Felix inhaled, deeply, and exhaled slowly. “But your injuries from that incident have healed, nya?”
Subaru nodded enthusiastically, bringing up his arms in a weird pose. “Yeah! I'm fit as a fiddle,” he said, and Felix didn't care to ask what a fiddle was. “It's just my gate that needs healing. But, uh,” he said, looking sheepish. “You already know about that, right?”
“Nyes, I've been informed,” he said wryly. He shifted in the bed to face Subaru completely. “How about we change our approach, then? I can't heal it without using magic, but I can ease the strain a bit by circulating mana through your body. It'll take some of the burden off your gate, nya, and it should feel very different from what you've... experienced,” he said, feeling glad when Subaru's face very clearly morphed into an expression of relief. “We can take a session or two before going back to the traditional approach.”
“That sounds good, Felix. Thank you.” And Od, he looked so genuinely grateful for the small accommodation. Inexplicably excited, too, and Felix was about to ask until he blurted out “It'll be fun to know what magic is actually supposed to feel like!”
He faltered again. “You... don't know...?”
Subaru shook his head. “No, my first time using it was with Puck a couple months ago. It-” he suddenly wilted. “It didn't exactly go too well.”
Felix wished that the fact that this boy had apparently never used magic before a couple of months ago was surprising, but honestly, it explained a lot. Subaru noted his frustrated sigh and wilted even more, and Felix made a conscious effort to appear excited.
“Well then,” he said, voice slightly teasing. “Are nyou sure you're okay with having your first real time be with me?”
“Of course, I-” his brain caught up with his words, and his face burned red. “Hey! My heart is for Emilia-tan and Emilia-tan alone!”
Felix wriggled his eyebrows. “Who said anything about your heart, nya~? What I'm interested in is your body,” he said suggestively, and he giggled when Subaru crossed his arms protectively over his chest, indignant. He shrieked some words about purity and chastity, but Felix noted the looseness in his previously tense shoulders, and the near-stillness of his hands, and let go of the breath he'd been holding. His patient would be fine.
Felix would make sure of it.
Circulating the mana through Subaru's broken gate was child's play, for him, and so he felt comfortable letting his mind wander slightly. It hadn't escaped his notice that Subaru had apparently forgiven his aggressor – something he, frankly, had a hard time believing – but pressing him on it would likely do more harm than good. It could be a coping mechanism, he rationalized; a way to avoid thinking about the incident entirely, under the pretense of having moved on.
'Nobody remembers' was slightly more concerning, but Felix decided for his own sake to brush it off for now. Something told him Subaru would need more assistance in the future; there was no need to rush things.
He turned his attention back to the mana circulating between medic and patient, and sat patiently as the fractured organ slowly became relieved, and the sound of breathing in front of him slowed down into a peaceful slumber.
-*-*-*-*-
“So, he'll need to stay for more healing sessions?”
“Yes, Crusch-sama,” Felix replied, tail swishing happily. He brought the tea in his hand to his mouth, and sighed contentedly. He was truly blessed, wasn't he? This time with his Lady was all he needed to feel rejuvenated.
“I see,” she said, and then paused as though carefully considering her words. “And what is your opinion of him?”
Felix paused, pensive. “He's... strange,” he started, “in a lot of ways. And ignorant about a lot of basic concepts. But he's kind, and he wears his heart on his sleeve.” He chuckled slightly. “It's hard not to like him, nya.”
A small smile formed on Crusch's lips. “Is that so?” she said, taking a sip from her cup. Then, “I can't help but agree.”
Felix perked up immediately. “Can we keep him?!” he exclaimed, then realized he'd jumped ahead a bit and sat back down, sheepish. “I- what I meant to say was, I think it would be nice to have him around on occasion. Even after he's healed.”
She chuckled. “It would certainly be interesting,” she said, and her smile instantly relaxed him. “Though something tells me it would be difficult to pry him from his camp.”
Felix nodded, smiling at the theatrics he'd seen from the boy around Emilia-sama earlier. He did seem fairly attached, Felix thought, amused. Almost like a puppy. He paused for a moment, giving Crusch-sama a curious look. “It's strange for you to take interest in someone like this, Crusch-sama.”
“I could say the same for you and Wilhelm,” she said, and Felix cocked his head.
“Wilhelm, nya?”
“I found it hard to believe as well. But it seems the boy has a strange draw to him.”
Felix nodded slightly, and the two of them lapsed back into contemplative silence.
He still wasn't quite sure what to make of the boy. He was loud, and slightly abrasive; curious yet ignorant, honest to a fault whilst still hiding any evidence of pain.
But when Felix saw him, through the curiosities and theatrics, he supposed he saw himself.
Maybe someday he'd see a friend, too.