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The sneers are nothing new.
Comments roll off the tongue with ease, so to people’s opinions, especially those who have 2 rusty nickels worth of an opinion about John.
He’s heard it all honestly, he’s killed and innocent man, he’s deranged, a fuck up from the fields, all of it.
And even though it’s easy to accept that people hate him, sometimes it’s just the straw on the camel's back.
And honestly, it caught him off guard ok? They were supposed to be having downtime so he wasn’t on guard. He was learning to be less on edge when he had the others to back him.
That had been his first mistake. His second was wandering off.
They’d decided to go to the Museum of Natural History (Bucky wanted to see if he was considered a relic enough to be on display) and just because it’s the way they run now, everyone had a buddy.
Ava and Bob about tackled each other to be each other’s buddy. They had ‘things’ to discuss, and Yelena shoved Bucky as hard as possible to get to John, claiming her prize by jumping on him, leaving Alexei (very happy about this) and Bucky (less excited) as a team.
The second they got to the museum, Bob and Ava went to ancient history, already talking in a hushed tone, and Bucky went to find the WW2 section with Alexei hot on his heels, also happy to talk enough for both of them. John and Lena had decided to go to the animals, and it was there that he made his second mistake.
He could feel it, somewhere in the back of his mind and throat, the need to shut down. It had been a long week, they were on a stakeout that lasted almost half of the week, and a fight that ended in bruising and scrapes and call far too close for his liking. After they got home and checked out, everyone showered and slept for nearly 15 hours straight, and then it was Saturday morning, and they had the weekend to fill with time. He’s been running on adrenaline since the beginning of the week, and the only reason he even slept at all is because Lena crashed his room and they slept in a pile, desperate to make sure their sibling had made it out alive this time.
But they’re all off now, everyone is safe and he can relax, so he can feel it creeping in, and he doesn’t try to fight it. It never works anyway, may as well just let it do its thing. So he stood by Lena with us arms crossed watching her as she talked about the different animals and the way they lived, and he hummed, nodded along, and watched, saving whatever of his voice for if he needed it.
He doesn’t need a voice with Lena, he knows that.
But at some point, she started talking to one of the tour guides, and he got bored, so he wandered off, knowing the spy would be able to track him down without issues.
Which led him here, staring at the miniature western world and zoning out, wondering what it would be like to live like a cowboy-
“Hey, Captain Crashout! We have some questions for you.”
He didn’t even get a chance to process the new nickname before he had a phone in his face, several other of the group of college students also with their phones out and recording.
He felt his blood run cold. Suddenly, he was in a courtyard with a bloody shield and Lemar's body not even fifteen feet away.
Shit-
He tried to shake the memory off, and he backed away, trying to give himself space.
“Sorry I-“
“What is it like being a free man when you murdered an innocent protester?”
“Do you think all peaceful protesters should be killed violently?”
“Do you regret killing an unarmed and innocent man?”
Just like that, his voice is gone, and he feels like he’s going to vomit. Panic hit him like a train as he looked around, realizing he was completely alone in a foreign area. Where the hell is he anyway? Why is he here? Why does it reek of blood? Why does it feel like he just got electrocuted?
Where is Lena?
Suddenly, all he wants is to be close to her; he feels like he’s naked in front of the crowd without her there, and he very quickly realizes that it’s because she is his voice right now.
He’s defenseless, and the vultures are swarming.
And if he thought it was bad before, the panic hits him so hard now that he loses the ability to breathe.
*
“No, no, that is very interesting. Didn’t you say you liked dinosaurs, John? Maybe we will go there next,”
Yelena turned around to find her tall shadow missing, and a small bubble of panic appeared in her chest.
“John?”
She looked around the room, not seeing him anywhere,
“Oh, I’m sorry, I think we must have bored him with our talking,”
The woman chuckled, and Yelena couldn’t help the huff of laughter.
“Oh, we definitely did, he has the attention span of a butterfly,”
“Well, I won’t hold you hostage anymore, hope you find your…”
“Brother,”
Yelena filled in without a second thought. The woman nodded with a small smile,
“Brother, nice. Well, I hope you find him.”
Yelena hummed with a small nod, saying goodbye before going to find him, that dumb blonde was going to get his ass handed to him for walking off without her.
“John?”
She called, looking for the tall blonde, knowing she wouldn’t get a verbal answer back. He’d started to shut down after the mission, the fact that he was still talking this morning, even if it was short answers, was impressive to her; she really thought that after they crashed and fell asleep, he’d wake up silent.
By now, she assumed he’s hit the point of steady silence, and more or less, that’s why he didn’t tell her he was going to wander.
She’s still going to beat his ass, mute or not.
“John?”
She called again before she heard commotion by the miniatures,
“What is it like being a free man when you murdered an innocent protester?”
“Do you think all peaceful protesters should be killed violently?”
“Do you regret killing an unarmed and innocent man?”
“Oh no.. no no no,”
She started to run, shoving past the group of people who’d collected, clearly watching the scene.
She shoved past the final person before seeing what was going on, and it made her see red.
There was a group of activists, all wearing matching shirts, and some had their phones out recording, others had signs, and they had John backed into a corner of the room, all talking over each other to try and overwhelm him into answering or reacting to the rage-baiting.
They’d definitely overwhelmed him, and the reaction they were about to see was not what they were expecting.
And not anything Yelena would ever let Someone record.
“BACK THE FUCK UP.”
She barked, and the response was instantaneous; the phones were on her in a flash, everyone’s attention turned off of him. Good, make her look like she was the crazy one, she doesn’t care.
But before she can say anything more, Ava phases unto the middle and knocks a phone out of the ringleader's hand,
“Shows over assholes, pack it up before I do it for you,”
She snarled, fury clear in her eyes, at the same time Bob pushed through the crowd, looking just as pissed (a thin gold ring around his irises told Yelena it was time to pack it up before shit really hit the fan) and just then Alexei and Bucky also came over, elbowing their way in.
Bucky looked at the group, a flash of something unreadable in his eyes before he looked at someone outside of the crowd,
“Are we done here?”
“Very. everyone leave, or I’m calling the cops.”
Came a voice that had an authoritarian edge to it, and instantly those who stopped to watch dispersed, but the activist stayed, still recording,
“No! We have the right to speak our minds, we have the right to ask questions, we have the right to”
“What, be the judge, jury, and executioner in a trial you don’t even understand?”
Bucky cut in, his voice so sharp it could cut through steel. He didn’t hesitate to step up to the ringleader who’d backed off since Ava stepped up to him, a calm and collected as he always was, Bucky simply stood, his hands at his sides, staring the man down,
“We all have shit that we’ve done, and a lot of us aren’t proud of it. So if you’re without sin, go ahead, buddy, cast the first stone. Just know this, you aren’t safe, I can find dirt on your name too.”
The silence echoed in the room before phones slowly went down and people started to back down, whispers echoing among the activists before they started to walk away, leaving the ringleader staring Bucky in the eye,
“You were there that day. You saw what this monster is capable of, you didn’t stand for him then, why are you standing for him now?”
Something in Yelena shifted, hearing that, she tucked it away as she took a step backwards, shielding John with her tiny body, protecting him from some unseen force.
Bucky looked at the man, blinked once, and then answered,
“It’s hard to make rational decisions when you’re in the throes of misery. And it's hard to see someone struggling when you need someone to throw you a rope. Now, why don’t you run along with your little friends? I’m sure you got enough on those phones there to get you that fifteen minutes of fame you need so bad to keep on living.”
The man scoffed, but there was no mistake; there was fear in his eyes as he did back off, looking at the rest of the group before shoving hard past Bucky, the former assassin let him. He tried to do the same to Bob, only to bounce off of him and hit the ground with a hard thud,
“What the fuck,”
He wheezed, clearly not expecting to have run into a brick wall. Bob looked down at him, a small grin on his lips,
“Oops. looks like you skipped arm, leg, and chest day, pal.”
The man stood up quickly before he stormed out, whispering that they were freaks, but the comment rolled off their backs.
Yelena spun around instantly, ignoring the conversation between Bucky and the person who’d told them to clear out (she assumed it was the Director, but she didn’t really care), and didn’t really pay much attention to the others who were also talking,
“John?”
He was pressed against the wall, a thousand-yard stare and tears in his eyes, but he looked completely motionless.
Shit. this wasn’t good.
“Johnny? Can you hear me? I’m gonna touch you, ok?”
Cautiously, Yelena reached out and touched his arm, swearing even more when he didn’t react. She almost wanted him to lash out, at least that would me he was closer to reach.
“Ok John, here’s what we’re gonna do, we’re gonna sit down, I’m just going to pull you down so don’t freak out, ok? Down we go,”
She spoke everything she did, taking both his upper arms in her hands before she pulled him to the ground, secretly thankful he didn’t drop like a sack of potatoes. His tailbone would have been fucked.
“Good, ok, I’m gonna pull you into me, alright, just relax as much as you can, I’ve got you. Ok? You are safe here with me.”
She assured him as she sat down and scooched close, her knees to his back as she pulled him into her, resting his head on her shoulder as she held him in a partial hug that wasn’t returned.
He was completely still, almost like he wasn’t even alive. She would think he died if it wasn’t for his shaky, tiny breaths.
“Ok, it’s ok, I’ve got you, just try to breathe, yes? I will breathe with you, and when you can, try to match me.”
She spoke slowly and softly, rocking him back and forth as she did so to try and soothe him.
The dissociation was one thing to deal with, the panic attack is going to be another beast, and then the absolute crash he was going to have after would be shit.
But she could handle it.
She would handle it, especially for him.
“I am protecting you now, no one can hurt you.”
She assured him, not even noticing someone had come from behind her until Bucky touched her shoulder. Her reaction was gut, spinning around and snatching his hand with one hand, the other shielding John’s face into her shoulder.
She almost felt bad for Bucky because of how she twisted his wrist, but thankfully, he’d expected that response and used his metal hand.
“I was talking to you, you didn’t hear me, so I touched you. Sorry.”
She nodded before slowly releasing his hand, going back to holding John to her.
“He’s not here.”
Bucky swore under his breath before squatting, getting on eye level with them both,
“Ok, we need to get him out of here before he comes back around. Alexei went to get the car, and Ava and Bob are making sure that the area is cleared. I talked to the Director, we can sneak out the back.”
“How will we get him to move? He won’t respond to anything. I was lucky enough to get him on the floor.”
Bucky thought for a second, looking around before looking back at them,
“Put him on my back, I’ll carry him out.”
Yelena raised an eyebrow at him, clearly thinking that John had at least two inches on Bucky, but the White Wolf didn’t flinch; instead, he made a move to pry John away, only for Yelena to hold him a little tighter.
“No, I do not want you to hurt him.”
It slipped, she hadn’t meant to say it, and something flashed in Bucky’s eyes before he let a soft-sounding sigh go,
“I’ve made my mistakes, Yelena, but I am not going to hurt him. Not this time.”
Yelena nodded before releasing John’s hold to Bucky. The man thanked her before deciding to forego using his back to just scoop him up and carry him out, Yelena hot on his heels.
*
The ride back was silent, Ava and Bob sat together in the front, Bucky drove, and Alexei sat passenger. Yelena sat in the back with John, humming softly as she held him closely, running her hand through his hair.
She didn’t notice he was crying until she felt her soft green shirt get damp, and it was all downhill from there.
She felt helpless as she held him together as best she could, listening to him sob into her, her own throat stinging as she hushed him, pressing a soft kiss to his temple.
She caught Bucky looking at them in the review mirror, before looking back at the road, hurt and something else in his blue eyes before he hardened them, hitting the gas a little harder.
No one said a word as he cried, but Yelena saw how Ava sat rigid, her breathing harsh, no doubt in a righteous anger, and how Bob curled in on himself, clearly feeling horrible to hear his friend's pain. Alexei turned and looked back at Yelena, clearly seeing if she was ok, before looking at John, and then her again.
She nodded wordlessly before rubbing John’s back again, and Alexei nodded back, his face tight with sadness as he turned back around.
*
By the time they’d gotten back to the watchtower, John had cried himself straight into exhaustion, his body still shaking like an electric wire, but he had no more tears left.
Yelena scrubbed at her own face as the others climbed out of the car, and Alexei stuck his head in the back,
“Hi little one, can I?”
And once again, she felt this wave of deep protectiveness wash over her as she held him a little tighter. John didn’t react past a soft exhale of air.
“I do not want to let him go.”
“Lena, I need to help get him inside, yes? You will both be much more comfortable inside.”
She looked to John, then back to Alexei, before kissing John’s head again,
“Hey, I will let Dad take you inside, that way we are comfortable, yes? Can you move or should I help you?”
John sighed, before half pushing off her, moving to get out of the car on his own, stumbling slightly on shaking legs.
Yelena was quick to follow him out, walking at his side as he stumbled to the door, still shaking as he moved to shove the door open. Yelena didn’t get in his way, knowing he needed some form of control over the situation, so she gently put her hand out for Alexei to stop when he moved to help.
“He needs control. Let him have some, if he needs help, I will help.”
Alexei nodded and let them take the lead.
John half took the lead, going to the elevator and hitting the up button a little harder than needed, waiting for it to come down. As soon as it opened, he half tripped inside, and Yelena and Alexei followed. The door closed, and John stared at the buttons, a small whine escaping him as he looked at the overwhelming amount of options, his brain scrambling again. Yelena reached over and pressed the button to their floor without asking, knowing when to step in and when to step back, before standing at his side, so he knew she was there.
As soon as the door opened, the other three stopped their conversation, and if they were going to say something, Yelena didn’t wait to hear it. She took John’s hand and led him to the bedrooms, keeping him from having to put up with questions or even just spiraling because he became unglued in public.
That was going to be a whole different beast to handle once he came around.
They were never doing something outside of the damn tower again.
“Alright, we are going to go take a nap. I am exhausted, you are exhausted, we both deserve a nap. We will face the shit after.”
She made a beeline for her room, never letting his hand go as she opened the door, pulled him in, and then kicked it shut, before walking over to her bed, kicking her sneakers off and pushing him to sit on her bed, before motioning to his sneakers,
“Want them on or off?”
He blinked at her, before looking down at his shoes, and then back at her,
Off,
He signed, before moving to remove them himself.
Sometimes he just needed to process what he needed to do before he did it, and she was more than happy to help with that process.
“Good choice. I am getting an extra blanket then we are taking a long ass nap.”
*
Ava phased into the room quietly, taking in the sight.
Yelena was asleep, one arm thrown over John’s shoulders, and John was also out cold, curled on his side, facing Yelena, his back to the door. There was an assortment of (definitely stolen) bright color blankets on and around them, making damn near a nest of pillows and blankets, and she had to admit it looked enticing.
“I’d offer you to join, but there isn’t much room.”
Yelena muttered, her eyes still closed.
“I’d join, but I’d hate to break up the band.”
Yelena snorted before opening her eyes, looking at John, making sure he was still out before she slowly sat up, rubbing her eye with a fist, one hand still on John’s shoulder.
“Is everything ok?”
Ava nodded, still watching John sleeping (Yelena didn’t miss that) as she sighed,
“I feel like it’s somehow our fault. You know? Like we should have known this would happen, or that we shouldn’t have gone out, or… I don’t know, I just feel-”
“Helpless? Yeah, I get that. Although he was my buddy, so I shouldn’t have let him leave my sight.”
Ultimately, it was her fault. He was her partner, and she took her eyes off him.
“He’s a grown man, Lena, he’s bound to wander around.”
Yelena snorted, looking back at her friend sleeping. It was far from peaceful, she could see it in the expression on his face that he was reliving that day again. But it was sleep, and he hadn’t woken up screaming yet.
“I wish people weren’t assholes.”
Ava hummed and crossed her arms, clearly thinking about something.
“What did that man mean, about Bucky being there?”
Yelena looked up at her, her brow furrowed,
“I am not sure. John hasn’t told me anything about Bucky… well, he said he knew him from before, but he didn’t get into detail.”
Ava hummed again, looking at them both before nodding,
“I’m going to make sure the internet is scrubbed of any of that footage if it comes out… I may dig around too. Do you think he would be ok with that?”
Yelena shifted her jaw, thinking it over before nodding once,
“I do not think John will ever speak ill of Bucky. But I want to know what happened. Just see if you can find anything.”
Ava nodded once more before walking over to the bed, brushing her hands through John’s hair,
“He may be an insufferable asshole sometimes, but he’s also so much more.”
Yelena had a question at the tip of her tongue, but decided it was for another day, one where she could corner Ava on her own and not have the topic of the question between them.
“We’re all insufferable assholes,”
Ava snorted before looking back at Yelena and then phasing out of the room, leaving the two by themselves again.
Yelena sighed before lying back down, throwing her arm around him again. John had at some point in hers and Ava’s conversation woken up a bit, his eyes half opened, and looking at her,
“Heeeey,”
He huffed softly, but otherwise didn’t move.
“I love you, you know this, right? You are a brother to me.”
She’s not sure why she felt the need to confess this to him, but clearly it did something to him. He blinked, before looking far more alert as he sat up, rubbing his eyes as she also sat up,
“I never had a brother before, and you… You are not Natasha. No one can be Natasha, just like no one can be Lemar. But I want you to know that I see you like I saw Natasha. Like you are mine. One of me.”
He blinked at her again, opening his mouth to say something and finding he couldn’t, shame burning his cheeks as his eyes got teary. Yelena wordlessly grabbed his hands, holding them up,
“Use these. I do not need to hear your words to know what you are saying. It means the same to me, hearing or seeing.”
He let go of a shaky exhale, shoving the tears down as he nodded, before gently pulling his hands out of her hold,
“I did have a sister. She wasn’t a good one. You are the sister I never had. I love you, too.”
She smiled, feeling her eyes grow misty as she pulled him into a hug, exhaling slowly,
“We will get through this; all of it, today, whatever else life throws at us, our pasts, all of it. But we will do it together, ok? No more wandering off and doing things solo.”
She pulled away, looking him in the eyes, he had the deficiency to look a little shameful about the wandering off comment (good. Dumbass shouldn’t have left her side) but he nodded, before putting his hand out, offering his pinky to her. She grinned, taking his pinky with her own, the two locking it in a promise, knocking their elbows together as they did.
“Promise and lock it.”
He snorted, nodding in agreement.
“Good. now you can not ever break that promise. It is bound by the pinky that is sacrilegious to break it.”
“ I don’t think you know what that means.”
She flipped him off before sliding off the bed, stretching and waiting until her back popped,
“I am going to get snacks. And then we will watch Dr. Phil reruns together, ok? I need a lazy weekend.”
*
When Bob came around to see if they wanted dinner he found to two sitting bundled in the blanket and pillow mess on Yelena’s bed, pressed up against each other, side by side, John’s head was on Yelena’s shoulder, Yelena had one hand in his hair, and they were both watching Dr. Phil on her TV, both clearly unaware of him in the doorway.
Bob snapped a picture, and then snuck out, deciding they could get dinner whenever they wanted to break up.