Chapter Text
You never thought you’d find yourself back here. When you left for Boston, almost ten years ago now, you never expected to come back. Not that you don’t love your home, it’ll always hold a special place in your heart.
But Boston was supposed to be your escape, the beginning of your new life. You had always told yourself you weren’t going to be one of those sad people who spent their whole lives in the same spot that they were born. You always wanted more than that.
And yet, here you stand, surrounded by the all too familiar sights and smells of home. The warm sun shining down on you. The sweet smell of honeysuckle on the wind. The dust already caked to your shoes from the driveway.
Spring in Texas was always your favorite, the hydrangeas your mother planted all those years ago, in full bloom by the front porch. They’ve always given you a tight squeeze on your heart, you’re glad your father has taken such good care of them while you’ve been gone. He never had a green thumb, so you honestly expected them to die without your loving hand.
You should go inside, you know you’ve been standing here just long enough to start to be strange, like you’re avoiding something. You know your dad probably hasn’t noticed you yet, so you reckon you have a few more moments of peace.
You tug the strap of your duffle back onto your shoulder where it’s starting to slip off, your skin already beginning to sweat. Too many years in that New England chill.
You really should go inside, you know your dad will have ice cold sweet tea in the fridge, and it’s been so long since you’ve enjoyed a glass. But that damn truck has you stuck in your tracks. You noticed it as soon as you broke past the tree line of your father’s long driveway.
You don’t know why it’s got you so rattled. It’s not like you didn’t think you’d see Joel. It was inevitable. You just thought you would have at least a little bit of say of when and where.
You had already spent the last two hours of your trip mentally preparing to see your dad again, which was a tiresome enough endeavor. You hadn’t expected to have to tackle them both in one go.
You can feel the all too familiar twist of anxiety in your gut, you ball your fist up, trying to hide the slight tremor there. You close your eyes, and try to picture how things will go down, like you always do.
You’ll walk inside, have the awkward hug with your dad, he’ll ask how you are, and you’ll give the same unspecific answer as always. It won’t really matter because he can talk enough for the both of you. Then Joel will probably walk out after him, and that’s where you mind goes blank.
God, you really thought you’d have more time to prepare to see him again. “Fuck” you swear under your breath, “Let’s just do this”.
You shake your head, grip your duffle bag probably a little too tight, and walk up the rest of the drive. When your feet hit the wood of the steps, you let out a short breath before putting your hand on the screen door and opening it up.
As expected, almost immediately your dad pops his head out of the den,
“There you are!” He walks up to you and there is the slightest pause before he puts an arm around you to pull you in for a hug. It’s clearly a little uncomfortable for both of you, but your dad has never been one for hugs. Always treating you more like a son than a daughter.
With a slight pat on the back, he pulls away, “So, how was the trip? Long drive huh? Hope you didn’t do it all in one go. Did you get your car looked at ‘fore coming all this way? Here, I’ll take a look at it in a minute, see if you need a top up on anything. I’ll check out the battery too, just make sure it’s all good to go.”
You nod, smiling, inserting the occasional noncommittal hum.
Eventually, your dad takes long enough of a break for you to get a word in, “Hey do you mind if I go set my stuff down? I was really hoping to get a shower…”
“Yeah, yeah sure thing, but first come say hi to Joel, he’s just out back, he was helping me set up this new grill I got. I’ve been wanting one for years, but I never could justify spendin’ that kinda money on something like that, but hell he finally convinced me, and-“
You have to interrupt his train of thought, as usual, “Yeah, sure thing Dad.” You drop your duffle on the ground beside the door, and watch as your dad walks towards the kitchen, “Here, I’ll pour you a glass a’ tea, and I’ll meet y’all out back” he yells over his shoulder.
You mumble a response, not really listening. You slowly walk towards the back door, opening it with a slight tremble to your hand.
God, why are you so nervous? It’s just Joel. Your Dad’s best friend.
You’ve known him forever; you grew up with Sarah always following close on your heel. You’ve seen him a few times on the rare Christmas you would come back home.
It’s just Joel. Typical, grumpy, quiet, nonchalant, handsome in his own rough way, Joel.
That’s what you keep telling yourself as you walk down the back steps, and you’re almost able to convince yourself until you see him.
Those broad shoulders, his muscled back visible through the dark navy shirt he’s wearing as he kneels next to the grill your dad was going on about.
He hears you walk up and brushes his hands off on his worn denim jeans before turning to face you, and god it’s like someone just punched you in the stomach with as much force as humanly possible. You’re honestly amazed that you don’t double over.
“Hey kiddo” he drawls in that rough Texas accent you swear sounds better on him than anyone you know.
You don’t know how, but he looks so different and yet the exact same. His hair is a bit longer than it was the last time you saw him. Curling a bit behind his ears. There’s a lot more grey in his patchy beard and streaks of it in his hair now. His face looks a bit more weathered than you remember, but it looks good on him.
His eyes though, are the same as always, brown and endless, and that’s when you realize you’ve been quiet for probably a moment too long.
“Hey Joel, long time no see” you smile, stepping closer.
“Yeah, well seems you’ve been too busy for me and your ol’ man, Miss Big City” he chuckles.
You laugh awkwardly, “Yeah, sorry ‘bout that”, you say as you nervously rub your neck.
You both stand there a moment longer before he closes the gap, wrapping his big arms around you. You melt into his embrace immediately, reciprocating in a way you didn’t with your dad.
He says softly into the top of your head, “It’s good to have you back, kiddo. With you and Sarah both gone it’s been too quiet ‘round here, even for my likin’” he chuckles.
Letting you go, he musses your hair a bit, which you both love and kind of hate. You're 27 and he’s acting like you’re still the kid he’s known all these years.
You suppose to him, you are.
“How is Sarah? She’s at A&M, yeah? I see her post a lot on Instagram, but it’s been a minute since we’ve talked.”
“Yep, just finished up her junior year. I asked if she was gonna come by this summer, especially with you back in town. But she’s got this good internship she’s working this summer, so I don’t know if she’ll have the time but, she said she’s gonna try.”
You nod along, but before you have a chance to say anything else, your dad pops up beside you two, handing you both a cold glass of tea.
“I see you too already did your reunitin’, hasn’t she grown up? I swear you’re taller than the last time we saw ya” your dad shakes his head and looks to Joel.
“Yeah, I guess she has, what are you now anyway? Probably pushing 30? Hell, what’s that make us?” He chuckles looking at your dad.
“I’m 27, thanks. Still got a few years ‘fore I’m old. Can’t say the same for you two. Bunch of senior citizens about to be walking around here. Gonna be retirin’ soon, yeah?” You joke, already falling back into old routine.
“Ha ha, very funny” your dad says, and puts a hand on both you and Joel’s back. “Well, hun why don’t you get ready, and we can all go grab some dinner, how’s that sound?”
You break eye contact with Joel, and nod to your dad, “Yeah sure, that sounds good.”
You turn to walk back inside, but you can’t resist turning around to steal one more glance at Joel.
What you aren’t expecting is to meet his gaze, and you immediately look back ahead, a flutter spurring in your gut.
You grab your duffle from its place in the hallway and walk up the stairs to your old room.
Everything is how you left it.
Band posters on the walls, string lights hung up, your old worn-out flannel comforter still probably needing to be thrown out. Pictures of people you haven’t spoken to in years lining your mirror. Even your old journal is still resting in it’s spot on your nightstand.
It all a bit surreal. You’re such a different person now, and yet everything else is still the same. It’s odd how life works like that.
You drop your duffle on your desk chair, and flop down on the bed.
It’s so strange being back here, in this room. Once again thinking about Joel, and how completely normal you feel about him.
You push into your eyes with your palms. God, maybe you really haven’t changed that much at all. Still pathetic.
You groan, and roll onto your side, staring out your bedroom window.
The trees outside rustle in the wind, and it’s almost enough to calm you for a second.
But your mind never is one to give you a break.
The familiar drawl of Joel and your dad float up through the window, and your drawn right back down into your spiral.
You can’t do this again.
You remember a time when he was just Joel, but it hasn’t been like that in a long, long time. And you hate it.
Maybe coming home wasn’t such a good idea.
Coming back was supposed to help, supposed to clear your head from the hell that’s become your life in Boston. The last thing you need is more complications.
You’ve had enough of complicated.
Leaving your apartment in the middle of the night, Andrew working late again; you can only imagine the shit storm that will be waiting for you when you go back.
If you ever do.
But you know you will, you’ve never been able to run away from anything.
This is just a hiatus. A break to gather your thoughts and try to figure out your next move.
And if you happen to spend time with Joel, would that really be so bad?
So you had a crush on him as a kid? You were a child, with childish whims, and childish feelings. And you’re not anymore, so it’s done.
Dead and buried.
And yet… there is the slightest bit of relief. An almost imperceptible shift in the unbearable weight that has taken root behind your ribcage. You might not even have noticed if you weren’t so used to the dull ache it leaves.
It’s just a coincidence surely, nothing to note. That you only noticed that slight relief, when you were looking into those deep brown eyes.
You roll over onto your stomach, letting out a frustrated sigh into your comforter.
Nothing has ever been that easy for you.
Summer of ‘03
The first time you can remember was the summer before your 13th birthday. You, Dad, Joel, and Sarah had gone to Canyon Lake like you did every summer. You loved going to the lake, camping out for a few days, just enjoying the warm air, exploring and enjoying the last few moments of childhood.
Your Dad always told you to stay away from the creeks, ever worried about what may lurk beneath.
But you were always the fearless one of the two of you.
That day, you’d gone down to the creek with Sarah. She would’ve been at about six at the time, begging to go on an adventure. You caved of course; you could never deny her anything.
Shoes off in the surprisingly cool water, sitting on the shore while Sarah looked for rocks.
The sun was hot that day, and while your Dad always warned you to avoid the still, darker parts of the water, you couldn’t resist the temptation.
You waded into the creek, sinking further in than you normally went. Your gangly limbs not covered so easily by the shallow water anymore.
It felt good against your sunburnt skin until suddenly you felt an excruciating pain on the side of your leg. White hot heat stung its way through your calf, and you cried out.
As you ran out of the water, Sarah ran up to you, eyes full of fear as she looked down at the crimson stream of blood running down your leg.
She wanted to go get your dad, but you knew he would be angry with you, and you begged her not to.
Instead, she ran and got Joel.
As his broad frame broke through the trees, you sat down and looked away to hide the tears stinging your eyes.
Sitting on the shore, hand cupped to your leg, you didn’t want him to see your face.
You remember feeling embarrassed. Joel always made comments about how you’d grown up lately, and you didn’t want to prove him wrong.
“Hey kiddo, let me ‘ave a look at that”, he said as he sat down next to you with the old first aid kit from his truck.
Sarah came over, trying to catch a peak at the damage but Joel quietly shooed her away.
He could always read you. Knew you wanted to keep up the front of the fearless big kid Sarah looked up to.
After she had scampered back towards the site, Joel turned his dark eyes on you.
You turned to face him, eyes cast down, extending your leg out for him to inspect.
Brow furrowed; he clicked his tongue as he looked at the snapping turtle bite on your leg.
He gingerly grabbed your foot and placed it on his thigh to get a better look. His skin was still cool and slick from the lake.
“Hell kid, he sure got a hell of’ve a bite outta you”, he chuckled softly. He looked up and saw your downcast eyes, and his smile fell slightly.
Softening his voice, he rubbed your knee with his knuckle, “Hey, I’ll get this patched up and your dad ‘ll be none the wiser. We’ll just say you fell, ‘lright?”
Finally meeting his eyes, you nodded your head softly, sniffling a quiet response back. His eyes warmed, smiling softly at you, “Atta girl”.
The sun gleamed off his still damp hair, the dark brown almost swallowing the light. The tanned skin of his forearm resting across your shin was cool, you could feel it sinking into the places his fingers touched as he tended to the wound.
He got to work wiping the bite. You hissed through your teeth as he poured some water on it, and he stroked the underside of your calf lightly, “I know, baby, I know.”
You watched him work quietly, his big hands working so tenderly, conscious to not add to your hurt.
Once he’d cleaned up most of the blood, he gently put a gauze on it, and wrapped some bandage around your leg.
“There, good as new eh”, he looked up at you, showing one of his rare smiles, and you felt a small flutter in your stomach.
“Thanks Joel,” you finally said, “I’m sorry for going out here, but Sarah was askin’ and, I was watchin’ her, I swear, and—“
“Hey, hey, look it’s ‘lright. Your Dad and I used to come out here all the time growing up, and we were half as brave and twice as stupid.”
You smile at that and gently wipe your eyes.
“Common, your dads just about finished with lunch. Let’s get some food in ya”.
He let go of your leg, gently placing it down on the ground in front of him as he rose. You distinctly remember a tingle where his hands had been.
Joel stood, picking up the kit, and turned to head back to camp.
He stopped at the top of the shore, waiting as you slid your shoes back on.
Tying your laces, you were still thinking about his hands. You didn’t really know why at the time.
As the two of you walked back to camp, the pain in your leg had dulled.
Instead, all you could think of was one day, when you fell in love and got married, you really hoped he would be like Joel.
Autumn of ‘06
The next time you can remember was when you were 15, and you’d just experienced your first heartbreak.
You were dating your first boyfriend, Hunter. Looking back now, you’re not even really sure if you would consider it dating. He’d asked you out earlier that year, and he was cute enough, so you said yes.
He’d slowly grown on you as you spent time together. With his shaggy blonde hair, freckled nose, chipped tooth smile, and boyish charm.
He was a year older than you, and honestly had just been amazed he even noticed you.
You’d never really been one to draw the attention of boys.
You thought you were pretty enough, but you’d always been a bit too boyish for them to overlook some of the other girls in your class.
But Hunter had seen you, and made you feel special. Pretty, even at times.
It was harmless enough. You’d hang out together, go swimming at the quarry, watch movies, and sometimes kiss in his car. All the typical things teenagers do.
So, on the first cool autumn night, when your school was having the big football game against your rivals, you figured you two would go together.
But when you’d asked him about it earlier that day, he’d said he couldn’t. Something about having to watch his little brother. You hadn’t thought much of it.
Without Hunter, you hadn’t planned to go, but Leah and Kelsey invited you, hoping to see if they could check out some boys from the other school.
You didn’t have any other plans, and it was a Friday night, so you told your dad you’d be back late and shot out the door before you even heard his response.
The game itself was pretty boring. You’d never really understood the hype around football, and your friends were so busy giggling over guys you were honestly debating on whether to ditch.
You had told them you’d be right back, and walking down the bleachers, you turned towards the food stand.
But before you got too far, you thought you heard something coming from behind you.
You remember turning and seeing an all too familiar head of floppy blonde hair beneath the bleachers.
And there he was, your first boyfriend, with his tongue down some random girls throat. You were struck dead in your tracks, staring open mouthed at them.
You remember feeling like all the breath had left your body, and your feet were made of lead.
You couldn’t have looked away if you wanted to.
The girl, whoever she was, must have felt someone staring at them, because she broke the kiss just to look at you and say something you can’t remember hearing.
All you do remember was Hunter seeing you, and his face almost seemed to have genuine remorse.
All at once, every fiber of your body was vibrating with energy, and before he could even open his mouth, you were sprinting away.
You don’t remember how long you ran, only that you knew you had to get as far away from Hunter and that stupid girl and all those people as fast as you could.
You only started to become aware of the fact that you were running alone at night down the highway until it was too late to turn back, and your feet were starting to go numb.
By that point, you didn’t much care what happened, you lived in a small town outside of the main city, and it had always been safe enough.
Your legs ached and your chest heaved, which you told yourself had everything to do with the running and nothing to do with the tears drying on your cheeks.
You were so caught up in your own head, that you didn’t even notice when a familiar truck pulled up beside you. It took Joel yelling your name louder than you’d ever heard him be, for you to finally turn and look.
He pulled off to the side of the road ahead of you, and as you pathetically walked up to the passenger side door, you did your best to wipe you face and get yourself together.
He leaned across, opening the door for you, and as you crawled in, you noticed he wasn’t making any move to continue driving.
“What the hell are you doin’ out here!? Seriously, if your dad knew you were walking alone down the damn highway he’d kill you,” he said, voice rough with worry.
You kept your gaze down, staring at your knees. You couldn’t make yourself look at him.
You knew he was right. You were an idiot for just running like that, it was reckless and childish, and you’re embarrassed that you didn’t think beyond that.
He let out a heavy sigh as he rubbed his eyes, “Is everything ‘lright kiddo? ‘M not mad, you just worried me is all. What’s going on?”
You finally turned to look at him, and the moment your eyes locked onto his gaze, full of genuine concern and care, you couldn’t hold yourself together.
You flung yourself across the bench seat, wrapping your arms around his shoulder, and sobbing into his chest.
Joel was so taken back, it took him a moment before he wrapped his arms around you.
He squeezed you tight, rubbing soothing circles into your back with one hand, while the other gently cupped your head.
Through your choked sobs, you could hear him soothing you, “Woah, hey, hey, it’s ‘lright babygirl. It’s okay”. Shushing you, and resting his head on yours.
Finally, after god knows how long, when you’d finally resorted to pathetic sniffles, you extricated yourself from his hold.
But still you stayed right next to him, his arm still around your back.
“Do you wanna tell me what happened?” he prodded gently, looking into your tear stained eyes.
You never were the best at talking about your feelings, but something about Joel has always gotten under your skin. He always walks right up to your walls and climbs them like they’re nothing.
You remember recounting the whole evening to him, barely stopping to take a breath. You found once you started, you couldn’t stop until it was all laid out in front of him.
When you finally stopped talking, the silence in the car was so loud, you almost began to feel embarrassed.
But before you were able to retreat back into yourself, Joel grabbed your hand from your lap, and held it firm in his rough grasp.
You remember looking at them, your hands together. His so large it covered yours entirely.
You looked up into his eyes, and his gaze was serious. Locked on yours, he took his other hand and gently wiped a stray tear from your cheek.
“From what I can tell that boy was an idiot. You’re a beautiful, smart young girl, and any guy who is too stupid to see that? Well he ain’t worth your tear’s darlin’”.
You’d never heard Joel talk so seriously with you; it made your eyes burn again.
Joel noticed, and shook his head, “Ah ah, no more of that tonight, you hear me? He ain’t worth it, and you always remember that, yeah?”
You nodded your head, and Joel squeezed your hand one last time before placing it back into your lap.
“Now come on, let’s get you home.” He’d put the truck back in drive and turned out onto the highway.
The ride home was quiet, except for the radio just loud enough that you could barely make out the song.
But you weren’t listening.
You were sitting with your head resting on Joel’s shoulder, and you remember thinking to yourself that you wish you could talk to your dad like this.
But he was like you; walls built tightly around his heart.
For all his rough exterior, Joel was always able to be there for you in a way your dad just couldn’t. And that was okay, you’d grown used to it now.
When you finally turned down the familiar gravel drive, you woke up, not even realizing that you had dozed off.
Joel gently nudged your shoulder, “Hey kiddo, we’re here”.
You stretched a bit, before sliding out the passenger side.
Before heading inside, you turned and looked at Joel one more time, “Thanks. For the ride, and … for listening.”
“No need to thank me darlin’, just remember what I said. And maybe don’t run down the road at night,” he said with a small smile. You smiled in return and shut the door.
You remember your dad was asleep on the couch, so you snuck by him to your bedroom. You got ready for bed, and when you nestled under your covers, you realized Hunter hadn’t entered your mind once since you left Joel’s truck.
Running through your mind was one thought, and one thought only:
Joel Miller called you beautiful.
You remember falling asleep with a smile on your face.
Spring of ‘09
The last time you can truly remember, comes to your mind more often than you’d like to admit.
It was the night after graduation. Word got out of a big party being held at the house of some person you didn’t know.
Well, house wasn’t exactly the best word for it, more like a ranch with one of those massive farmhouses straight out of a movie.
Anyway, the party was held out by whoevers lake, and there was a huge bonfire, with music, and dancing, and lots and lots of drinking.
It was downright picturesque, the best way you could think to close out your high school years.
You’d be leaving for Boston soon, you’d gotten your acceptance letter from BU earlier that year.
While you were excited to start down this new path, you had to admit that night had you preemptively nostalgic for home.
As much as you were always looking towards the future, you loved growing up in Texas, and you knew you were going to look back on memories like this with fondness.
The party lasted well into the night, and though your memories of it are a bit hazy after one too many beers, and far too much whiskey, you remember what happened when you got home all too well.
It was getting late, and though your dad was relatively lenient when it came to your curfew, especially now that you’d turned 18, you still didn’t want to stay out too late.
Albeit more so because the party was starting to get a bit less about celebrating and a bit more about hooking up, and well, that just wasn’t your scene.
You caught a ride with Leah, knowing she had to be home by midnight, her parents not being as laid back as your dad.
She hadn’t been drinking, quite as much as you, so at the time it seemed like an okay idea.
The drive back to your house felt longer than you knew it to be, but you didn’t mind. You hung your head out Leah’s Jeep window, the two of you belting songs at the top of your lungs.
For a moment you just allowed yourself to be young and free. Not fretting about what tomorrow might bring.
When she pulled down your long gravel driveway, you told her to let you hop out, hoping to sneak in without your dad seeing you.
As much as your dad was a fairly hands off parent, one thing he feels strongly about is alcohol.
Something about a friend back in high school who got in an accident. You can’t really remember now, but you knew he wouldn’t be happy to find you in such a state.
You remember waving bye to Leah, and making your way up to the house. You almost went through the front door, but thinking better of it, decided to try and sneak in the back through the kitchen.
Your dad, if he was still up, was probably in the living room, and your best bet of passing by unnoticed would be that way.
However, you were definitely a bit too drunk to see the familiar black truck parked under the tree out front, so when you gently slipped through the kitchen door, and turned around to see none other than Joel Miller standing at the counter cracking open a beer, you had to hold in the yelp that jumped to your throat.
The two of you held eye contact for a weighted moment.
Joel took in your appearance, the hazy eyes, flushed cheeks, and slight wobble to your stance and that obnoxiously handsome face cracked into a knowing grin.
“So…” he said in a slightly hushed voice, “You ‘ave a good time at that uhhh party?”
The smug look on his face, in your inebriated state, rubbed you the wrong way.
You straightened yourself up just a tad, doing your best impression of a sober person, “Why yes, I did actually. And now, I think I would like to go up to bed”, right then you had to hold back the most poorly timed hiccup that crawled its way up your throat at the exact moment you stop talking.
Joel chuckled to himself, clearly amused at how very Not sober you were.
He walked over to where you’d started leaning on the kitchen island for support.
“You know, as great of an attempt at sobriety as that was, you know your dad ‘ll be madder than hell see’n you like this”. In spite of his words, his tone was anything but chastising.
“Yeah, yeah, like y’all didn’t drink all the time when you ‘ere my age.” You looked up at him pointedly, and you could’ve sworn he was the one swaying, your eyes having a hard time focusing on him.
“Fair enough, just try to get up there quietly without him seein’ ya, and he won’t hear anythin’ from me”, then he did a lock motion over his lips.
God, he really shouldn’t have done that, because now you can’t help but stare at them, unashamedly.
You don’t really think anything about it, until he waves gently in front of your face, “Hey, you might wanna get a move on, kiddo, I’ve already been in here a little too long now”.
Before you could think better of it, the words just came pouring out of your mouth, “You know… you really are quite handsome Joel.. it’s actually kinda annoying, ‘as anyone ever told you that?”
You paused for a second, looking at his eyes, and you thought to yourself, yeah, he really is. And before you could stop it your stupid mouth was moving again, “With that annoyingly handsome nose, ‘nd those… big stupid brown eyes. ‘M gonna miss seein’ you all the time. and I just…” an over dramatic sigh fell from your lips, “Mmm, yeah, I should stop”.
Thankfully, before you had the chance to say anything else painfully incriminating, Joel put his hands on your shoulders, gently guiding you towards the hallway, “Yep, and that’s your cue. What you need is some sleep, yeah kiddo?”
You stumbled along with him as he guided you gently towards your room, and when he finally let go, you turned around to catch one more glimpse of him before quietly creeping up the stairs.
That night plays in your head often in the years since.
In your weakest moments, you’ve poured over his face in that moment before you went upstairs. And you swear he had a blush on his cheeks, like maybe your words had more of an effect on him than he’d let on.
But then again maybe you were just drunk.
All you know is as embarrassing as that memory is at times, you also can’t find it in yourself to regret a word you said.
Because you know it was the truth. And you doubt you’ll ever have another moment of such blaring honesty with Joel Miller ever again.
Little did you know what would happen, almost ten years later when you wind up back in each others orbit.