Falling For A Boy

by dazai_kinnie

Summary:

College Au Klance in the big year 2025.

English major Keith has just stepped foot onto the grand campus of University of Olkarion (UFO).

What he doesn't know is that he will:
1) hate his roommate
2) meet one of his best friends
3) spend way too much time in one particular coffee shop
4) have everything he knows about himself challenged

5) fall in love with a boy.

Chapter 1: Our Lawyer Made Us Change the Name of This Song So We Wouldn’t Get Sued

“You ready kiddo?!” Shiro’s overly cheerful voice pierces through Keith’s cloud of overall negativity and gloom. It’s only 8 in the morning and he’s already annoyed. The sheer amount of upperclassmen cheering as he and Shiro drove up to their spot to unload the car was deeply unnecessary. Why would they sign up to help freshmen move in anyway? Don’t they have at least a million other, better things to do with their time. Their exaggerated happiness makes Keith’s skin crawl. 

“You’re barely older than me Takashi” Keith snaps, emphasizing each syllable of Ta-Ka-Shi.

“Yes, but I am your legal guardian!”

Keith decides to loudly ignore his older brother/ legal guardian/ it’s complicated and he’d rather not talk about it, pushing past him and the large stack of boxes, beelining towards the door of the nearest dorm. 

“Keith, wait” Shiro laughs, running to catch up. “You don’t even know what floor you’re on.”

Keith has no response because right. He doesn’t know what floor he’s going to or even if he’s headed toward the right building.

Turns out he was stomping his sorry ass towards the wrong building. 

“The fucking fifth floor!?”

“Language!”

“Fuck you and your mom!”

“Oh you mean my dead mom?!”

Keith throws a half grin over his shoulder at Shiro, very grateful to have one person in this world that knows him and his sense of humor and still (miraculously) wants to be associated with him. 

 

Man fuck this.

Five flights of stairs vs a boy and all of his worldly possessions. After three laborious trips up the stairs, the results are in. 

Stairs 3, Boy 0.

Keith rests his hands on his knees catching his breath at the top of the stairs. Man. Accessible campus his ass. Not only are there virtually no ramps to any of the buildings, but there aren’t elevators in half of the dorms. Keith happens to be on the top floor of one of these aforementioned dorms. 

He looks over at the laundry basket full of loose items he had previously balanced on his ascent to the fifth floor, wondering how he was going to unlock the door to his hall with the basket in his hands when the hall door was swung open with such force that it could have caused a small earthquake when hitting the wall behind it. 

Only it didn’t cause a small earthquake as Keith took the full blow of the door. 

“Watch it man.”

“You know,” the haughty voice instantly makes Keith shiver with disdain.

“You really shouldn't be standing in the direct path of the door. Logically speaking, I was using the door as it was meant to be used. It really is no fault of mine that you don’t know the simple etiquette of door usage.”

The face attached to the irksome voice annoys Keith even more. The other boy wore a conceited smirk, towering over Keith where he was still hunched over catching his breath, looking down at him critically. 

Keith cringes at the knowledge that while this boy is arrogant, boastful, and most likely a bag of dicks, he’s handsome as fuck. Keith shakes his head once to clear the ill timed gay panic, brushing past Sir Superior and refusing to acknowledge him. 

When Keith tackles the stairs for the fifth and (hopefully) last time that day, he runs into the assholishly handsome guy again.

 

“Ah hello Mr. Mullet! Good to see you didn’t pass out from the stairs this time around!”

“Whatever dick.”

“Oh, so you can talk! To who do I owe the pleasure?”

“To whom,” Keith corrects, attempting to look down his nose at Mr. Doesn’t Understand Basic English Grammar, realizing (much to his chagrin) that you can’t look down your nose at someone who is taller than you. 

“Oh ok smart guy,” the other boy sneers, a mocking whine at the edges of his voice. “To whom do I owe the pleasure.”

“Ask your mom. I’m sure she remembers my name from the way she was screaming it last night. Maybe you heard too.”

“Fuck you.”

Keith turns around, fire in his eyes, looking at the other boy properly for the first time.

“At least take me to dinner first!” he smiles sweetly before turning on his heel and demonstrating his skillful mastery of door usage, letting it slam in Bag-O-Dicks-Boy’s face. 

 

Upon arriving in his new (and very small) place of residence, he finds Shiro already making his bed. A quick scan of the room informs him that his roommate has begun the moving-in process as well. The only things on his mystery roommate’s side of the room though, are a full length mirror, a fluffy comforter, and the most excessive amount of beauty products Keith has ever seen. Keith concludes that this guy must be both rich AND full of himself. 

Shiro catches his eye, smiling at the clear disgust on his face. “Keith, don't be so judgmental.”

“My dear sweet brother. The money that went into these products could probably pay my tuition.”

Shiro nods in reluctant agreement. 

“Still. You shouldn’t be so picky about who you make friends with. Besides, you have to live with this guy for a whole school year.”

Keith knows Shiro is right. He doesn’t have any friends going to University of Olkarion (UFO as the alumni call it). Well, he doesn’t have any friends period, but whatever. Friendship is for the weak.

 

Once Shiro is satisfied with the state of Keith’s half of the room, he hugs Keith goodbye like a proud father (which in a way he is), and drives away in his puttering Volkswagen Beetle, waving at Keith in the rearview. Keith, unsure of what to do between now and the opening ceremony at 5 PM, trudges up the stairs to his room yet again. He passes Definitely-Not-Handsome-Guy on the way, but elects to ignore him even when he huffs loudly in Keith’s general direction.

The pile of frivolous items has grown since Keith last left the room, but he has yet to set eyes on his roommate. Keith quickly exchanges his grey sweatpants for a pair of black ripped jeans, runs his hands through his hair, checks himself once in front of his roommate’s full length mirror, grabs his computer, and leaves the room in search of a corner to hole up in. 

On the way down the stairs, he sees Arrogant McFuckBoy yet again. This time he’s carrying a large cardboard box. Keith makes sure to close the door behind him so Fancy FreakFace can practice his door using skills with the challenge of occupied arms.

 

***

 

“Welcome to the University of Olkarion!” 

President Ryner really does seem like a lovely lady, but Keith is bored out of his mind. He’s been sitting in this assembly for about an hour now, taking in exactly nothing of what was being said. He knows he’ll regret it later when he faces class registration clueless, but that’s a later him issue.

An obnoxious snicker comes from two rows in front of him, where Keith spotted none other than Detestable-Door-Dude. He huffs in annoyance. 

“God, I can’t wait for a whole year of putting up with these dumbasses.”

Keith’s head whips to his right, following the soft voice that had said exactly what he was thinking. The girl sitting on the other side of the empty chair to his right is slouching so she could rest her head on the back of the chair. Her feet are kicked up on the chair in front of her, disregarding the nasty looks from the student who is also occupying said chair as she stares blankly at the ceiling. Her hands are stuffed deep into her pockets, and when she turns to look at Keith, he spots an airpod in her ear. Why didn’t he think of that?

“I concur,” Keith replies cautiously.

The girl gives Keith a relatively judgmental once over, her dark and heavily lined eyes taking in Keith’s Fall Out Boy shirt and then his fall out boy face. Keith sinks further into his chair, turning back to whoever is jabbering at the podium now, content to ignore her.

“Hey you see that professor down there?” the girl asks, pointing towards the stage. 

“Right so there are a lot of professors down there,” Keith lets his annoyance bleed into his response, but he still leans over the empty seat to see where the girl is pointing.

“The guy with the ginger mustache. There are cubes circling his head. Kinda hard to miss,” the girl answers with equal sass.

“Yeah ok. What about him?”

“That’s Dr. Coran. He’s a physics professor, and apparently he has a screw WAY loose,” the girl scoots into the empty seat next to Keith. “And the big guy over there with the vaguely purple face? That’s Professor Zarkon. He’s one of the English professors. Apparently he made 10 students cry in the first week of last semester.”

“Oh hell. I’m English Lit,” Keith laughs, surprising himself with a response instead of just ignoring the girl as he usually would.

“It’s ok. I’m a psych major, so I’m stuck with Professor Slav. The one at the end of the row with the funky hair and huge nose. Apparently all he does is rant about alternate dimensions and how different time lines might change your trauma and therefore your overall brain makeup, resulting in different diagnoses yada yada.”

Keith couldn’t come up with a coherent answer if he tried.

“I’m Acxa by the way,” the girl holds out her hand.

“Keith,” he shakes her hand tentatively.

They spend the rest of the assembly gossiping about different professors and students. Acxa does most of the talking and Keith dutifully listens, logging all of the information for later when it’s relevant. He learns that Let-Me-Mansplain-How-To-Use-A-Door’s name is Lance McClain and he’s already made a name for himself by flirting with every girl he’s laid eyes on. Acxa only knows this much as Lance flirted with her on the way into the assembly. Rather clumsily Keith learns with delight.

Acxa informs him that the guy sitting next to Lance is his much more polite best friend Hunk Garrett. According to Lance’s oversharing as a flirting tactic, he and Hunk have been best friends since grade school, but chose to not room together as they would not leave the year still friends if they lived together. Hunk is a chem major, but he’s most interested in culinary arts. Curled up in their chair on the other side of Lance is the third of the trio, Pidge Holt. Apparently Hunk and Pidge met at science fairs in high school, trading the first place blue ribbon back and forth over the years. Keith wonders how a dunce like Lance could have possibly found himself in a friend group of intellectuals. 

“See that super arrogant guy a couple rows in front of us?” Acxa points to the asshole in question. 

“Not Lance?”

“Ha. Good one. No. The guy in the row in front of Lance, 3 seats to the left.”

“Yeah.”

“That’s James Griffin. Known douchebag.”

“Heard.”

“And the girl with the long white ponytail over there? That’s Allura, and the girl with the pigtails next to her? That’s her girlfriend Romelle. They’re upperclassmen.”

“Two questions: One, how do you know so much if it’s your first day here and two, why are upperclassmen at an assembly for freshmen?”

“Second question first. They’re RA’s so they’re required to be here. First question second, I moved in early and have been observing and listening.”

Keith is relatively impressed at what Acxa has learned in a matter of hours from simply lurking. She would be a very helpful asset in navigating a new college, not to mention, Keith has been talking to her for about an hour now and not once has he wanted to break her nose. That’s a new record. 

Finally, the assembly ends in a warm welcome from the Dean of students, Dr. Alfor. Keith learns via Acxa that Dr. Alfor is Allura’s father. He is known and loved by the student body as he actually takes their requests and suggestions for the betterment of the university into consideration. Most notably, Dr. Alfor added a coffee shop, Café Krell, to campus at the request of students about five years ago. Krell quickly became the meeting spot for many a first date, countless late night study sessions, and home to the best soup and sandwiches in a walkable distance to UFO campus. And the best part? They’re open until midnight every day to accommodate the ghastly sleep schedule of most college students. 

 

Krell is where Keith finds himself post ceremony, sitting across from Acxa at a small corner table. The rumors weren’t misguided. The tomato basil and grilled cheese Keith orders might be the best thing he’s ever put in his mouth.

“So Keith,” Acxa says from around a bite of her sandwich. “What’s your favorite color?”

“That’s your ice breaker question?”

“Yep! You learn a lot about a person just from their favorite color, you’d be surprised.”

“Is this a psych tactic?”

Acxa laughs. “Dude I haven’t even started classes yet, you give me too much credit. Soooo…”

“Uh. Probably red. But not like tomato red. Like a deeper red?”

“Are we talking brick red or maroon?”

“I guess dark maroon.”

“I see,” Acxa scrutinizes him from where she sits, one leg up on her chair, resting her head on her knee. 

“So what have you learned about me?” Keith asks mockingly.

“You’re a strong person, but not flashy about it.”

Keith pauses.

“So am I right?” Acxa raises an eyebrow.

“I guess so.”

“You guess?”

“I guess.”

 

***

 

Shiro is calling Keith for the tenth time that night. When he and Acxa left Café Krell (10 minutes before close), he opened his phone to nine missed calls and uncountable, panicked messages from Shiro.

“Jesus Shiro,” Keith picks up on the third ring.

“Ohmygod Keith you’re ok,” the relief is evident in Shiro’s voice.

“Yeah? Why wouldn’t I be?”

“I checked your location,” Shiro admits, “and you weren’t anywhere near your dorm so I was worried and then you weren’t picking up my calls or answering texts and I got even more worried.”

“I swear I’m fine. I was with a friend.”

“Oh ok that- YOU WERE WHAT?!”

Keith holds his phone away from his face enjoying the night air as he walks back to his dorm. Once Shiro is no longer audible through the distant phone, Keith returns the device to his ear to talk to a much calmer Shiro.

“Pardon the reaction.”

“Jury is still out.”

“Ok nerd you didn’t tell me you’re pre-law now.”

Keith huffs a laugh. Shiro really is too fatherly for his own good.

“But seriously, did you say you were out with a friend?”

“Yeah? Is that not allowed or something?”

“No, no. I’m just a bit surprised.”

“You and me both man.”

Keith can hear the pride in Shiro’s voice.

“Tell me about this friend.”

“Her name is Acxa. She’s like me, but a girl and a psych major. It’s actually a bit jarring how similar we are.”

“I’m proud of you for reaching out, Keith!”

“Yeah yeah,” Keith laughs, “You’re way too happy about this.”

“Keith I am brushing away tears. My little boy is all grown up!” 

Keith knows Shiro would be poking his arm incessantly if they were in the same room.

“Dude you’re like six years older than me.”

“And six years wiser than you too!”

“Whatever.”

“Ok so. Tell me more about Acxa,” Shiro says in his best dad voice.

By the time Keith has fully debriefed Shiro on the miracle of Keith’s Very First Friend, he has arrived at the entrance of his residence hall. 

“Hey man, I just got to my dorm. I should probably head up and get settled.”

“Yeah of course bud. Text me if you need anything during registration tomorrow… or if you need anything ever…”

“Sure Dad,” Keith shakes his head to no one in particular, the night sky maybe.

“That’s Legal Guardian to you.”

“Sure Legal Guardian.”

Shiro laughs softly and for the first time in a while Keith feels a strong emotion. He almost misses Shiro. He pushes the feeling down instantly.

“Goodnight Shiro.”

“Goodnight Keith.”

 

Keith hangs up as he walks through the entrance to his new home. He looks up at the stairs and resolves to get used to the climb. After all this is his home for the foreseeable future. He takes the stairs two at a time. 

At the top of the stairs Keith takes a second to catch his breath before proving before whatever gods who are watching and no men who are watching (unless he has a stalker) that he can in fact open a door with proper etiquette. 

As he makes his way towards his room, he realizes his roommate will probably be home, so he takes a moment outside his door to run his hands through his hair before entering the room quietly.

He is met with the biggest mess he has ever seen. Clothes, shoes, books, furniture, packaging, and a little bit of everything else is strewn about the room. Keith’s eyes dart around the room until they finally land on the boy in the middle of the chaos, in the eye of the Dorm Storm, the boy who is none other than Lance McClain.

Notes:

Hello and welcome to my silly little headspace!
The Keith and Acxa friendship keeps me alive no joke. I'll also give dad Shiro some credit in my state of aliveness as well.
Stay tuned for more shenanigans, specifically, the downfall of an online bigot.

I'm gonna try to update weekly, but who knows! The AO3 writers curse may catch me. We are playing with fate. Wish me luck :)

Chapter 2: Of All the Gin Joints In All the World

Summary:

And they were roommates.

Oh my god.

They were roommates.

Keith feels his second strong emotion of the year and also of the night. Pure, unbridled rage. 

“No. Fucking. Way.”

“You’re. My. Roommate,” Lance finishes for him. The hatred in his eyes deathly clear to Keith. 

The two stare at each other in stunned silence, both most likely plotting a trip down to the RA’s office to request a room swap. However, one glance at Lance’s obnoxiously large digital alarm clock informs Keith that the RA’s has long since closed. Keith can feel the wheels turning in his head, figuring out how he’s going to survive a whole year living with one Lance McClain. Can he get away with murder? Hiding a body can’t be that hard right? Eh. Lance isn’t worth risking life in prison. He’ll survive somehow. 

“Just keep your shit on your side of the room and maybe we’ll survive this” he glares at Lance.

“Whatever you say, your majesty.”

“Shut up.”

“Whatever you say, your majesty.”

Keith decides he doesn’t have time for this bullshit, grabs his (normally sized) toiletry bag and storms towards the bathroom. Inside said bathroom, there is already a large array of bottles, fluffy towels, and products Keith doesn’t recognize. 

God, it's gonna be a long semester.

He damn near knocks over at least three things while trying to brush his teeth. Abrasively, he claims a small corner of the counter for his things.

Once back in the room, he climbs into bed ignoring Lance who is now precariously sticking glow in the dark stars to the ceiling above his bed. Keith watches him for a second, praying that he’ll lose his balance. He doesn't.

“Enjoying the view?”

Keith laughs out loud at that.

“No. I was just wondering why anyone of college age would own glow in the dark stars.”

“Someone has something against anything and everything fun in life,” Lance retorts. 

“Nah, I’m just not seven years old.” 

“Your My Chemical Romance poster suggests you’re stuck in the 2000s so I don’t want to hear another word from you.”

“The Black Parade is still one of the best albums ever created, so I accept no criticism,” Keith rolls his eyes. “Plus I see a twenty one pilots poster over there and they covered a song from The Black Parade.”

“Yeah and?”

“You like a copycat artist,” Keith claims triumphantly.

“Bitch please they have so much original stuff. One or two covers don’t make them a copycat artist.”

The next hour or so is spent arguing over artists and their VERY different tastes in music. It’s 2 AM when Lance finally seems pleased with the set up of his side of the dorm. Keith has also put his painters tape to use, marking a line down the center of the room. Lance is only allowed to cross the line to get to the bathroom and Keith is only allowed to cross the line to get to the door. 

He finds the difference in the two sides of the room comical. Lance’s side is filled to the brim with things, trinkets fill his desk and the top of his dresser, surrounding the large vanity mirror that barely fits under his lofted bed. Fairy lights dangle from the underside of his bed with polaroids of people Keith assumes are friends and family pinned to the strands. The stars glow from the ceiling, illuminating Lance’s bright blue comforter and many stuffed animals. 

Keith’s side is much simpler, tarot card tapestry behind his headboard, the ceiling lined with orange and purple christmas lights that hang down past his bedside table. The tall bookshelf at the end of his bed acts as a wall between his bed and the bathroom door, housing his large collection of battered classics. The wall next to his bed is covered in posters, printouts of miscellaneous art, and pages ripped from poetry books. His comforter is navy to go with his navy sheets, and an antique lamp with no shade sits next to the pile of the books he’s currently reading on his bedside table. 

He finally falls asleep reading his beaten copy of The Outsiders, ignoring the soft sounds of TikTok videos coming from Lance’s bed. 

 

Keith barely has time to realize he fell asleep with a book on his face when he is awoken by a very loud, very annoying sound. He rolls over, cringing at the bright sunlight blazing through the window between his and Lance’s beds, encasing his head with his pillow to block the sound. Tragically, this maneuver also blocks his airways and he is forced to turn over or suffocate before he even registers for classes. OH FUCK. Class registration.

Keith sits bolt upright in bed, throwing his (near dead) laptop open and navigating to the registration page.

Thankfully he remembers this much from his rushed advisor meeting during orientation. Pulling up the document from his advisor with all the CRNs he needs, Keith begins dutifully registering for classes. The only problem is his sociology class. Apparently all first semester freshmen are required to take that class and got to the section he needed before him. 

Turns out the very loud, very annoying sound was Lance’s voice. Sounds like he’s having issues with registration as well, and is taking it out on the poor person on the other side of the phone call. 

After popping his headphones on, a quick class search results in two classes that did not fit in Keith’s schedule and two online asynchronous courses. He signs up for the first online asynchronous one. Good. Less time spent in class.

And this is what any literary expert would call the Inciting Incident: the event that hooks the reader and kick-starts the action. 

Unfortunately, Keith doesn’t realize this as he is not a literary expert (give him 4 years). 

 

***

 

Keith somehow finds himself sitting in Café Krell doing homework with Acxa. Now that syllabus week has come and gone, the UFO professors are not shy about throwing their students headfirst into the course material. It’s only the second full week of classes, and Keith finds himself bogged down with assignments already. 

Acxa is a good study buddy, meaning she doesn’t talk much. Keith’s computer is dead (a common occurrence), and he forgot his charger in the dorm (another common occurrence), so he opens the PDF of his reading for his asynchronous sociology class on his phone. It’s about LGBTQ+ rights. 

As Keith is wholly familiar with committing LGBTQ+ wrongs, he skims. 

He smirks at the overwhelming oversimplification of LGBTQ+ issues in the U.S. as summarized in the article. One particular line actually makes him chuckle. 

“Finding your reading entertaining?” Acxa’s eyes appear above her laptop from across the table.

“Yeah. I’m deeply amused by straight people attempting to summarize the struggles of being queer in… you know…” Keith gestures broadly, attempting to encapsulate American politics, bigotry, the dismal mixing of church and state, and the general lack of empathy in the world.

“So I assume you’re not straight then?”

“Can I ask you a deathly serious question?” Keith’s deadpan look is far from serious.

“Anything my fine fellow.”

“Do I look like I kiss girls?”

Acxa sighs, “quite the opposite actually.”

“Bingo.”

“And this is where I ask to lavender marry you for the tax break,” Acxa rests her chin, playfully flirtatious, on the top of her laptop’s screen.

Keith gasps, hand flying to his heart in mock offense. “Weren’t you taught to never marry a man you just met?”

“I was only taught I have to marry a man, I don’t think my Dad cares which man or when and how I meet him,” Acxa laughs, leaning back in her chair, “I just love being the family disappointment!”

“You and me both my fruity friend,” Keith sighs, returning to his reading.

“You’re surprisingly funny Keith.”

“Surprisingly?”

“Yeah.”

Keith decides to ignore the backhandedness of the compliment, smiling to himself behind his phone. 

“Also, I’ve known you for two weeks now,” Acxa adds minutes after the subject passed.

“And that’s enough grounds to lavender marry me?” Keith looks up from his reading.

“Eh. I think I have a pretty good read on you.”

“Do you now?”

“Yeah. I do,” Acxa emphasizes the marriage vow sounding line playfully.

Keith rolls his eyes at her, even though he feels himself half grin at her antics. 

 

The second half of his sociology homework is the discussion board. Professor Sven requires a response to each of the readings on a discussion board entitled Respond to Your Reading! Luckily, the Canvas board is set to anonymous responding. Keith refuses to be the first to submit a response, so he makes a mental note to type his response later. He moves to the reading assigned for his Early World Lit class, dutifully opening his copy of Beowulf. He’s read it before, but figures a refresher wouldn’t hurt.

Keith is awoken from his accidental, face-in-book nap rather rudely by the buzz of a Canvas notification. He ignores Acxa’s snicker from behind her computer, opening the Respond to Your Reading! discussion board. He reads the most recent post, eyes widening in disbelief. And then he reads it once more for good measure, and to make sure he wasn’t crazy.

 

<Anonymous Jaguar>  

The consequence of what many would call progressive thinking is that it is not progressive at all. It’s like calling science done by three year olds progressive because their conclusions differ from previous expert scientists. So now, let me refer to the conclusions of wise scientists. There are two genders. Male and female. Anything outside that is akin to a three year old’s conclusions on astrophysics. Let me refer to an even more reliable source. God. God would agree that there are two genders. He created them. He would also agree that men are meant to be with women and women are meant to be with men, for any relationship other than a man with a woman “is an abomination” (Leviticus 18:22). This false idea of progression is clouding the minds of so many of my generation and frankly, it is sad to see such sin supporting teachings in a college institution.

 

“Acxa look at this.”

Acxa takes a moment to read, and then reread, the response.

“Holy fuck dude. I didn’t realize people truly and genuinely believe this shit.”

Keith scoffs a laugh, feeling the anger boiling under his skin, threatening to explode.

“Hey I’m gonna go back to my dorm so I can charge my computer and destroy this fucker.”

Acxa raises her hand in a two finger salute. “Annihilate the bastard. Do this queer bitch proud.”

Resolutely, Keith removes himself from their secluded table, nodding at the Café Krell staff as he leaves, and beelining to his dorm, fingers itching to type a proper riposte.

Unbeknownst to him, his roommate was already typing furiously from his spot in the library.

 

<Anonymous Lemur replied to Anonymous Jaguar>  

I don’t know who you are, but it is obvious you feel overly confident in your anonymity. Thank you for the invite to be overly confident in mine. To your point about science, let me correct your phrasing. What you meant to say is that there are two sexes. Still a misinterpretation of information, but please know there is a difference between gender and sex. Now to your point on the Bible. If you did any research beyond your cave (as Plato so masterfully described), you would know that the Leviticus verse you quoted is not in reference to homosexuality in the way you think. I admit, there is much debate about the real meaning of the verse, but historically, the only “homosexuality” that was an apparent problem was the pedophilic act of grown men sexually abusing underage boys. That is the sin here, not the English definition of homosexuality (which problematically appeared many centuries after the verse you cling so dearly to was written). What I find sad is that you speak so loudly on a subject you clearly know nothing about. 

 

Keith finds himself grinning evilly at the most recent response to the Canvas board. Anonymous Lemur has cleverly and succinctly covered most of Keith’s half typed answer, so Keith settles to simply add on. 

 

<Anonymous Koala replied to Anonymous Lemur>  

I could not agree with Lemur more. I’d also like to add that science has proven the existence of more than two sexes. I’m sure, Jaguar, that you are not the type to seek education for yourself. You simply eat what is served on the silver platter placed before you, content in your ignorance and your regurgitated “facts.” However, let me hand you another silver platter. Intersex people are born with non-binary (as in not simply male and female, if you weren’t keeping up) sex organs, chromosomes, and sex traits. To dumb it down: there are people who biologically do not fit into either the male or female category. Go cry about it. To Lemur’s point regarding the Bible, they are absolutely correct. Bear with me as I zoom out a step further. You are a part of an esteemed book club. People who are not in your book club are not required to follow the rules made for those in your book club. Even if Lemur’s history was inaccurate, and the Bible really did claim that homosexuality as we define it today is a sin, it is only a sin for followers of the Bible. You cannot force people who did not sign up for your little club to follow your little rules. 

 

<Anonymous Lemur replied to Anonymous Koala>  

Thank you for your thoughtful response Koala! It’s nice to see someone finish my sentences as opposed to arguing with a wall of brick headed bigots.

 

<Anonymous Koala replied to Anonymous Lemur>  

Just doing my civic duty of educating the… less fortunate.

 

<Anonymous Jaguar replied to Anonymous Koala>  

You two should just fuck already.

[This post was removed by the instructor.]

 

The rest of the responses on Respond to Your Reading! are relatively mild, mostly in support of Anonymous Lemur and Keith’s responses.

Keith reads them all with deep satisfaction, watching as Anonymous Jaguar’s response is drowned in the sea of posts from more educated and less bigoted students. 

Content that the Jaguar had been sufficiently tamed, Keith grabs his copy of Player Piano, heading to the lawn to read in the dwindling sunlight. 

As he reaches for the door handle, it clicks, giving Keith just enough time to jump out of harm's way as Lance aggressively enters the room. They really need to set up some sort of system. Maybe Keith gets the room for half of the day and then Lance gets it for the other half of the day? 

“Hm. You still haven’t learned door etiquette. We’re in college, Mullet, I think you should learn before you humiliate yourself further.” 

If there’s one thing about Keith, he hates his roommate. No. Despises. Loathes. Detests even. 

“Sure, I’ll get on that,” Keith snarls in return, standing his ground to force Lance to walk around him to enter the room.

“You should turn that frown upside down! Maybe that way, people will be able to see past that horrific mop on your head you call hair!”

“Oh yeah! Have you ever considered that the sheer pitch of your voice makes people want to give you a ten foot radius?!”

“Of course not. I don’t really have to worry about it with all the girls who wanted my number earlier today,” Lance gloats.

Keith actually laughs at that.

“I find that hard to believe.”

“Oh yeah?!” Lance holds out his arm which is covered in various arrays of numbers written in sharpie as proof of his point.

“You’re ridiculous.”

“Oh come on, Mullet. You can do better than that.”

“You are incredibly skilled at saying a lot of words with no substance. Maybe you should switch your major.”

“Eh I’m pre-law, so I think I’m in the right place.”

“I thought only smart people could be pre-law.”

“Are you assuming that because I’m pretty I’m not smart?! If I didn’t know better, I’d think you were flirting.”

“Please. You wish.”

Lance goes oddly quiet for a second, but quickly recovers, firing back a disgusted “like I’d ever go for the likes of you.”

Keith decides that Lance is the most annoying person he’s ever met (and he’s met a lot of annoying people).

He pushes past Lance, slamming the door behind him.

Once on the lawn in the middle of campus, he finds a tree to settle under. He reads for a while, enjoying the lasting summer breeze, finally picking up his phone when it becomes too dark to read. 

***

 

The spot under the tree on the lawn becomes a regular place for Keith. He spends most of his time under that tree or in Café Krell, doing the most to avoid his room and Lance. A reading and a response is due every class day (Monday, Wednesday, Friday) for his sociology class, so the past week has provided him with prime entertainment from the Respond to Your Reading! Discussion board. The newest response is no different.

 

<Anonymous Jaguar>  

Pushing ideologies like the ones in this reading should not be allowed in schools even if it is a higher education setting. Readings like this do not allow us to critically think, instead just telling us what we should think. Gender roles are in place for a reason. Men are physically stronger while women are weaker meaning that men should be the provider. Women’s bodies are made to produce children. For this reason it makes sense that they remain at home tending to the children and their needs. Everyone has a job to be done, and going against these jobs ensures societal chaos. 

 

<Anonymous Koala replied to Anonymous Jaguar>  

I find it funny that you bring up critical thinking when you just proved that you can critically think about the reading. You’re dead wrong, but you’ve formed an opinion that is different from the opinion of the author of our writing. Therefore, you are exercising your critical thinking. If you are afraid of hearing an opinion that disagrees with your own, that simply proves the weakness of your own beliefs.

 

<Anonymous Lemur replied to Anonymous Koala>  

This! Additionally, when your opinion is challenged, you are offered the opportunity to either strengthen your preexisting beliefs, or formulate new ones. One of the most important things to know is how little you actually know. Be open to learning. At the very least, you will learn to understand the people around you which would be beneficial for you as I can tell you are no fun at parties. 

***

 

<Anonymous Lemur>  

I deeply enjoyed this excerpt on the importance of acknowledging all aspects of history, no matter how gruesome. While this reading was mostly about CRT, I think it can be applied to topics like the Holocaust as well. It is of utmost importance that we understand and never forget the atrocities of the past so we can avoid history repeating itself.

 

<Anonymous Koala replied to Anonymous Lemur>  

To add: recognizing the wrongs in history is not a way to shame a country. We can recognize that the Japanese internment camps in America during World War II were horrific and something like that should never exist in America again without dishonoring the U.S. Quite the opposite actually. Embracing the wrongs of the past help us build a better future for everyone.

 

Keith closes his laptop after typing his most recent response. Professor Sven is really on to something with the anonymous replies. People feel safer to express themselves when they can hide behind a screen leading to better and more honest discussions. (Any English teacher would point to this line as a lovely example of foreshadowing so keep your eyes peeled my dear reader!)

It also leads to better arguments, and as a person who thrives in conflict, Keith loves the Canvas debates. 

He also accidentally met someone who seems to share beliefs with him on most topics. And again, being the spiteful little shit he is, Keith loves having a buddy to tag team bigots with.

Notes:

I would like to make it ABUNDANTLY clear that I do NOT agree with anything Anonymous Jaguar says, and it genuinely pained me to write his responses (in my head Anonymous Jaguar is James, but they can be whoever you want them to be).

Also Keith’s side of the room is designed just like mine and I will stand by the fact that both of us make fantastic design choices. I fear he and I also share taste in books. If y’all haven’t read Player Piano by Kurt Vonnegut I highly recommend it.

Chapter 3: Dance, Dance

Summary:

More wildly not PC discussion board posts.

A new technological discovery.

Keith and Acxa are the best and funniest of friends.

<Anonymous Jaguar> 

This isn’t related to any of the reading, but recently I’ve felt very attacked on these discussion boards and I really don’t appreciate those who disagree with me in that way.

 

<Anonymous Lemur replied to Anonymous Jaguar> 

I think you meant to say you just don’t like when people disagree with you.

 

<Anonymous Koala replied to Anonymous Jaguar> 

Look if you can’t take people disagreeing with you, you can't have such loud opinions. Pick a struggle.

Anonymous Lemur: This is actually hilarious to me. I can’t believe we get free entertainment like this.

Keith stares at his phone in disbelief. He didn’t even know you could message people privately on Canvas, yet the notification holding strong evidence against his previous belief glares at him from his home screen.

 

Anonymous Lemur: Why am I just now learning you can DM on Canvas!? This bit just keeps getting better.

 

Keith, panicked, texts Acxa.

 

Keith: Krell. Now.

Acxa: jesus did someone die?!

Keith: Damn near

 

“DUDE. I think I actually peed a little. This is so funny for absolutely NO reason,” Acxa chokes out after laughing at Keith for a solid five minutes.

They’re still standing in line to order at Café Krell, but of course, Keith had shoved his phone into Acxa’s hands the second he saw her.

“I’m glad you’re enjoying the inhumane treatment of yours truly,” he takes his phone back.

Acxa can’t even respond, she's laughing too hard. Keith watches as she struggles to breathe, feeling no sympathy as she cackles at his expense. This is why he doesn’t tell anyone shit. Why he told Acxa, he really couldn’t say. He glares at her as she punches his shoulder a few times, pulling herself together. 

“Please say you messaged them back.”

Keith blanches, “no way. It’s a rando from my class. Who knows. They could be a total freak.”

“Keith. Babe. PLEASE understand that you calling someone a freak really has no impact whatsoever.”

“Yeah whatever.” Keith runs over the semi-real possibility of building a time machine to go back and not tell Acxa about the whole Canvas situation.

“Ok but seriously. You should message them back,” Acxa grins. Keith can see the cogs turning in her head and he’s not exactly excited for the result of her thought process. 

“Why? Give me one good reason.”

“It could be a super cute boy and you fall in love or whatever,” Acxa shrugs, stepping up to the counter. 

“Now what would make you say that,” Keith continues the conversation like it wasn’t paused while they placed their orders.

“I like to say I’m open to all possibilities! But seriously, it’s clear from all of your previous responses that you agree on a lot of things and truly what’s the worst that can come from responding? Worst case scenario you make a new friend and you never learn who the other is and that is that. And you know what the best case scenario is?”

“It’s a super cute boy and we fall in love?”

“Bingo! Keith, you're such a fast learner!” 

“Acxa. I hate you.”

“My beautiful gay boy, I know you don’t,” Acxa leans her head on her hand from across the table.

Keith laughs at Acxa’s raised eyebrow and wink, pulling out his phone to look at the messages again. Maybe Acxa is right. What harm could responding do? (This is what literary geniuses would call foreshadowing and Keith is our blissfully ignorant protagonist). 

 

Anonymous Koala: Yeah, you learn something new every day I guess.

 

Anonymous Lemur: woah you actually responded

 

Anonymous Koala: Sure why not

Anonymous Koala: Free entertainment

 

Anonymous Lemur: wow is that really all i am to you??

 

“What do I say to this?!” He turns his phone around showing Acxa. 

“Man, I love being a wing woman.”

“Dude help me out here.”

“You really caught on to the ‘he’s a cute boy’ thing quick didn’t you.”

Keith blushes, hoping Acxa won’t notice, “that’s not helping.”

“Fine fine gimme,” Acxa makes grabby hands at Keith’s phone as he hands it over, watching her type a speedy reply.

“‘No I’m just hoping you’re a cute boy I can fall in love with’ Acxa are you fucking kidding?! I’m NOT texting that.”

The fight for Keith’s phone that follows is dramatic enough to raise the eyebrows of all in Café Krell. Keith eventually wins, holding the phone out of Acxa’s reach as he deletes the text before she can hit send. 

 

Anonymous Koala: Yeah. Pretty much.

 

Anonymous Lemur: ouch

 

“Keith this is why you can’t pull for shit. Your love language is being a massive asshole.”

“Love language?? I think I’m just a massive asshole all the time, no love included.”

“I don’t think so Keith. I think it’s just your way of guarding yourself.”

“Thank you therapist,” Keith rolls his eyes at her.

“You are valid in your feelings!”

“Shut up.”

 

Anonymous Lemur: anyway what are you up to??

 

Anonymous Koala: Café Krellin’ it. You?

 

Anonymous Lemur: crashing out a bit tbh

 

Anonymous Koala: Oh? Do tell…

 

Anonymous Lemur: yk. just class and shit

 

Anonymous Koala: Yeah. I feel you

 

“Gay.”

“Wha- Oh fuck you. Get your mind out of the gutter weirdo.”

Acxa cackles, playing with the lid of her (now empty) coffee cup.

“I ask myself everyday why we’re friends.”

“Because you loveeeee meeeeee,” Acxa leans over the table, poking Keith’s arm like an annoying little sibling. 

Keith removes himself from the table, laughing over his shoulder as Acxa scrambles to catch up with him.

 

***

 

The semester drags on. Classes are boring, but that’s to be expected. Somehow the fourth week of classes is nearly over. 

He’s shocked himself by not visiting home every weekend, instead, opting to spend mornings at Krell, and afternoons on the lawn reading. Who knew English classes would require so much reading (for all of my readers who are studying English, myself included, we all just shook our heads in unison. Feel the joy of community). He takes a break from Frankenstein to check his phone. 

 

<Anonymous Jaguar>

I actually enjoyed this reading. I found it interesting how two near enemies were able to unite against a common enemy. I guess the enemy of my enemy is my friend huh.

 

<Anonymous Lemur replied to Anonymous Jaguar>

Hey @AnonymousKoala looks like an old dog CAN be taught new tricks!

 

Keith finds himself smiling at his phone yet again. When did that become a common occurrence? His joy is disturbed by a firm kick to his leg.

“Oh look! It’s Frankenfreak.”

“Oh look it’s the worst roommate ever,” Keith comments without even looking up. He knows who it is from the sultry voice and the beaten converse alone.

“But you, my friend, would give me a run for my money.”

Keith takes a brief moment to look up at Lance. Just to make sure he sees the largeness of the eyeroll. No other reason.

“Hey. I thought vampires couldn’t be in the sun. Are you some sort of mutant hybrid?” Lance raises a quizzical eyebrow.

“Maybe I am. You just hate that I’m cooler than you’ll ever be.”

“Keep dreaming.”

“You know. I was having a nice day until I saw you,” Keith mumbles into his book, hoping Lance will catch the signal and fucking leave. Of course he doesn’t.

“Hey it’s not my fault that you decided to curse everyone on campus with your…” Lance gestures broadly at Keith, “you-ness.”

“You’re the one who went out of his way to come bother me.”

“Oh yeah well…” Lance trails off.

“Yeah??”

“At least I don’t spend my Saturday afternoons reading alone. Mr. Lone Wolf.”

Keith deliberately ignores him, opting to kick at his ankles, Lance jumping out of the way just in time. He smiles down haughtily at Keith before giving a firm nod and walking away. 

 

***

 

Anonymous Lemur: can you believe we’re like a week out from midterms!? 

Anonymous Lemur: i feel sick.

 

Anonymous Koala: I know

Anonymous Koala: It’s cruel and unusual

Anonymous Koala: Fuck the passage of time fr

 

It’s been about three weeks since the discovery of Canvas DMs and Keith has been (pleasantly) surprised. Acxa turned out to be right. Well, about some of it. Not that he’d ever admit that to her. Keith finds himself enjoying the intermittent texting and it turns out Lemur is funny. Who knows if they’re a cute boy, but Keith has to accept he kind of hopes it is.

 

Anonymous Lemur: LITERALLY

Anonymous Lemur: what midterms are haunting my koala friend

 

Anonymous Koala: Obviously the one for our sociology class 

Anonymous Koala: And then I’ve got a lab write up for gen ed bio, and a couple of papers

 

Anonymous Lemur: papers? ooh so you must be an english major

Anonymous Lemur: or maybe journalism?

Anonymous Lemur: fuck what other majors require a lot of writing? psych?!

 

Anonymous Koala: That’s confidential

Anonymous Koala: Also it breaks our Anonymity Agreement™

 

Anonymous Lemur: 1) you literally just made that up and 2) it absolutely does not

Anonymous Lemur: do you know how many students are in each major?!

Anonymous Lemur: even if i knew your major there would be no way of figuring out who you are

Anonymous Lemur: but i respect your pleading of the fifth

 

Anonymous Koala: Are you pre-law?

 

Anonymous Lemur: i plead the fifth

Anonymous Lemur: no comment if you will

 

Anonymous Koala: That tells me all I need to know

***

With midterms around the corner, Keith doesn’t have much time for anything other than projects and papers. Oh yeah. And Canvas DMs.

 

Anonymous Lemur: i need this campus to build gender neutral bathrooms because lord does the men’s bathroom in the library SMELL (and also because gender neutral bathrooms are good)

Anonymous Lemur: pause.

Anonymous Lemur: i’ve said too much 

 

Anonymous Koala: Does this count as a Freudian slip?

 

Anonymous Lemur: you’re totally a psych major

 

Anonymous Koala: That’s confidential.

Anonymous Koala: But yes. The men’s bathroom in the library is a disgrace

 

Anonymous Lemur: FREUDIAN SLIP

 

Anonymous Koala: Nah. Intentional self-disclosure. 

 

Anonymous Lemur: you’re totally a psych major 

 

Anonymous Koala: Or- and consider this- I have a friend who is a psych major

 

Anonymous Lemur: touché 

 

***

 

Canvas texts are common now and honestly, it’s beginning to scare Keith. The only person he feels this comfortable with is Shiro. Not to mention, he knows next to nothing about Anonymous Lemur. 

There is always this sense of impending doom when it comes to meeting and talking to new people, and Keith is hyper aware of the lack of this dread every time he texts Anonymous Lemur. For some reason though, he can’t pull himself away. He’s contemplating the matter as he strolls from the cafeteria to the library, enjoying the fall breeze.

 

Anonymous Koala: Does anyone want to explain to me why I just saw a couple making out on a table in the library

 

Anonymous Lemur: my dear friend.

Anonymous Lemur: WHAT MADE YOU THINK THIS WAS NECESSARY INFORMATION TO PASS ON

 

Anonymous Koala: I had to tell someone :/

 

Anonymous Lemur: i mean lets be real

Anonymous Lemur: if i had the choice between studying and making out w my partner on a table in the library…

Anonymous Lemur: that is

Anonymous Lemur: if i had a partner to make out on a table with

 

Anonymous Koala: I’m not sure how you want me to respond to this

 

Anonymous Lemur: by making out w me on a table in the library duh

Anonymous Lemur: AND THAT IS A JOKE

Anonymous Lemur: I’M JOKING

 

Anonymous Koala: Please, you don’t even know who I am

 

Anonymous Lemur: i am but a simple bisexual *insert the shrug emoji that Canvas won’t let me type*

 

Anonymous Koala: See now I know too much

 

Anonymous Lemur: bsffr rn

Anonymous Lemur: according to our responses to bigots in our class it’s easy enough to know we’re both gay

 

Anonymous Koala: Or we’re hella allies

 

Anonymous Lemur: oh please i know what you are

Anonymous Lemur: (i think)

 

Anonymous Koala: Yeah whatever you got me

 

Anonymous Lemur: I KNEW IT

Anonymous Lemur: just two bros

 

Anonymous Koala: Don’t you dare. 

 

Anonymous Lemur: chillin in a hot tub…

 

Anonymous Koala: I’m gonna go.

 

Anonymous Lemur: wait no come back

 

***

 

“Keith. Serious question here. Do you wear anything other than black ripped jeans?”

“Says you. You only own one shade of blue jeans and like two styles of shirt. Both bad. By the way.” 

How he ended up with such an annoying roommate, Keith will never know. It’s like the guy knows exactly what will piss him off and then says it, and tragically, without fail, Keith falls for the bait. 

“Well at least I don’t have a mullet!”

“And you think your hair is any better? No amount of product can fix that.”

“You know. I’d be happy to share. Your bottle of 7 in 1 is looking a little empty!”

“It’s not 7 in 1, and I will absolutely not share anything with you.”

“Fine. Suffer in stinky solitude.”

“You’re a disgrace.”

“Real funny coming from you.”

Keith grabs the book he went to his room to grab and rushes out of the room. If he hadn’t been in such a hurry to leave, he would have seen Lance pull out his phone and begin to type. 

 

Anonymous Lemur: i think i’m dying

 

Keith smiles as he descends from his tower (his dorm). 

 

Anonymous Koala: Oh no! Whatever will I do without you?!

 

Anonymous Lemur: hm. probably wither and die.

 

Anonymous Koala: You give yourself too much credit

 

Anonymous Lemur: do i?

 

Anonymous Koala: …no

 

Anonymous Lemur: don’t talk to me like that!! i’m blushing!!!

 

Keith smiles to himself before catching himself. 

 

Anonymous Koala: Cute

 

***

 

Keith has been at Krell since 8 am. It’s a Saturday. He’s miserable. Why is it that every professor seems to think that their class is the only class students are taking?

Keith looks at his checklist of to do’s for the day, kindly titled “get this shit done bitch or else” (he’s not very good at positive self talk). He just finished the last reading and journal entry for his Early World Lit class, and earlier that morning he finished the 50 question online test for Intro to English Studies. 

Axca joined him around noon as he was starting on his 10 page paper for Reading and Writing for English Studies. Yes. Said paper is due before midnight. Next question? Luckily the requirements were just an overview of the different genres studied so far, pulling examples from required reading, and forming an opinion about each example. Relying on previous knowledge and his very opinionated personality, Keith could fly through this paper with ease. 

A few hours later, Acxa gets up and orders food for them. 

A few more hours later, Keith slams his computer shut.

“Done.”

“Ooh congrats,” Acxa doesn’t look up from her computer.”

“Real supportive friend you are.”

“Sorry hold on,” Acxa finishes typing her sentence, hitting the enter key with a flourish before closing her laptop as well. 

“Actually the correct term for completing something would be ‘finished.’ You should know this, Mr. English Major.”

“Fuck you.”

“Keith. Darling. We’d have a riot, but you know I don’t swing your way.” 

“Ok 1) ew. 2) gay.”

“And right back at ya!!”

They walk across campus, heading towards Acxa’s dorm silently judging everyone they pass. Keith appreciates the comfortable quiet Acxa brings with her (sometimes). It’s a nice break from the constant banter in his place of residence. Lance is only quiet when he’s asleep, and Keith simply cannot comprehend how one person has enough to say to fill the 18 waking hours of any given day. 

“Ok I have to know,” Acxa breaks the silence, “How’s your roommate situation.”

Well. No good silence can last forever. 

“It’s like he thrives on arguments. We haven’t had one conversation that isn’t us hurling insults at each other,” Keith digs his hands further into the pockets of his (actually Shiro’s) bomber jacket. “He always finds something to pick on me for, and get this. He still hasn’t let go of the whole me not being able to use a door thing?! Shit happened ONCE. As in one time. He’s insufferable.”

He takes a deep breath. 

“Also. How does one human possess that many beauty products? Who needs ALL THAT. I mean I guess he does since he’d be even worse to look at if he didn’t have layers and layers of shit hiding what his actual face looks like. Plus, I swear he has no homework. How does a person who’s pre-law have so little homework?! Granted I’m never in the room, but every time I see him he’s on his phone or on his stupid VR set. Yet somehow he finds the time to make fun of me for reading. It’s always ‘oh ok dumbass mullet look at you with your nerdy books…” 

Keith trails off realizing how long he’s been rambling about his roommate. 

Acxa is really getting all the practice she needs to become a therapist listening to Keith jabber about the cruel and unusual torture of his living situation. Keith can only hope she won’t laugh at her future clients as much as she laughs at him. 

“You know,” Acxa deadpans, “some would call that flirting.”

“What.” 

“I’m just saying..” Acxa laughs, clearly enjoying Keith’s distress, “it’s not like you don’t bite back every time.”

“Oh so now you’re putting this on me??”

Acxa looks at him with a knowing glint in her eye that makes him feel heavily scrutinized and deeply disconcerted. “Maybe a little bit.”

“The betrayal.”

“Nah man, I’m just telling it how it is.”

Keith responds by angrily kicking an offending stick out of his path as they settle under a tree at the edge of the lawn, breathing in the night air.

“Oh hey. While we’re on the Keith Life Update Train, how’s mystery Canvas man?”

“I really do regret telling you about that.”

“That’s not an answer.” 

“You’re not getting an answer,” Keith crosses his arms stubbornly. 

“But I asked so nicely!!”

“Acxa, I’m not saying anything-“

Keith is cut off by his phone buzzing in his lap. He’s never seen someone move as quickly as Acxa does to grab it. A fight ensues, the two of them rolling in the grass, fighting to the death for Keith’s phone. 

“Man you wouldn’t be fighting this hard if you had nothing to hide,” Acxa squeals as Keith yanks her from where his phone is lying in the grass by her shoulders. 

“Maybe I just don’t want you going through my personal property- ow OW,” Keith groans as Acxa bends his arm behind his back, rendering him unable to fight back as she snatches his phone from right in front of his face. 

“BITCH GIVE IT BACK,” he struggles to grab his phone back, eventually conceding as Acxa holds his phone up to his face to unlock it.

“No can do gay boy!!”

Keith watches in despair as Acxa scrolls through the objectively humiliating texts. 

“Oh he’s flirting hella dude.”

“How do you know?!”

“My emotionally constipated friend ARE YOU KIDDING?! He’s flirting and you are so flirting back.”

“Am not!!”

“‘Yeah whatever you got me’” Acxa quotes back to him, “you’re totally flirting.” 

“Shut up.”

“That’s an admission of guilt and I will be taking no arguments.”

Keith rolls his eyes and Acxa continues scrolling.

“Holy fuck you called him CUTE?! Keith you’ve slain me with the utter gayness of this. I swear this is one of those romance novels we always shit on and you’re the main character.”

Keith huffs.

“OR it’s a fanfic and you are the star of some queerbait, star crossed lovers plotline. I love an enemies to lovers!!” 

“My life isn’t a gay fanfic,” Keith sighs, lying down in the grass knowing Acxa will be scrolling for a while. 

“Buddy I saw gay so I said gay. It’s an-“

“Astute observation yeah yeah.”

 

***

 

“Keith never in my admittedly short life have I ever seen someone blush this hard from a Canvas notification.” 

The swiftness with which Keith pockets his phone is shocking. 

“Dude you think you’re being chill, but everything you do makes you look more guilty.”

“My level of annoyance with you is nearing my level of annoyance with Lance.”

Acxa gasps dramatically, turning puppy eyes to Keith. “You don’t mean that.”

Keith shoves her into a bush. “I sure do!”

“Oh Keith, what are we gonna do with you sad, pining self,” Acxa laughs, brushing leaves off of her shirt.

“Maybe you mind your own damn business,” Keith snarls (with no malice). 

“Or you could ask him out-”

“Wait sorry Shiro is calling.”

“Convenient timing,” Acxa looks at Keith skeptically.

“No, I’m actually serious,” Keith turns his phone around to show Acxa that Shiro really is calling him. 

“Who even is Shiro? You haven’t told me anything about him.”

“Don’t worry about it,” Keith moves to answer the call. 

“Keith I get you’re a closed off guy, but we’ve been friends for a hot minute and I still feel like I don’t know you at all. Still, I unfortunately care about you, and I want to know about someone who’s clearly important to you.”

“Drop it Acxa,” Keith snaps without meaning to.

“Jeez ok,” Acxa near whispers, “I’ll leave you to your call.”

“Wait Acxa. I-”

“See ya around Keith."

 

Keith watches her as she walks away, ignoring the phone still ringing in his hand. He knows he hurt her, but he doesn’t know how to make it right. Talking about Shiro means talking about his past, and he swore he would never talk about his past at college. College is his chance to leave everything that he’s been through behind and he has to stick with that. People can know him without knowing that part of him. Holding people at a safe distance is how he’s survived this long, and he won’t be changing that now. 

His phone goes silent in his hand. 

Notes:

Guys I'm really sorry for the angst I snuck in.

I promise it's setting up for what's to come. Not that that's any comfort.

I'm gonna go to sleep now.

Chapter 4: Sugar, We’re Goin Down

Summary:

Let’s play a game!

How many lines from the show/ show references can you find in this chapter?

(I actually don’t know the answer. Someone please inform me I’m too lazy to count).

Shiro: What could be so important that my only brother can’t even spare the time for little ole me??

Keith: Sorry. Was finding a quiet place. Calling now.

Shiro picks up on the first ring. “Hey bud!”

“Hey.”

“You sound sad. What’s wrong?”

Keith hates how Shiro can read him like a book. 

“Nothing.”

“Doesn’t sound like nothing. Talk to me.”

“Just said something I regret but it’s fine I’ll fix it.”

“To Acxa?”

“How’d you guess.”

“Keith. She’s the only person you’ve hung out with consistently in maybe your whole life. You know. Other than me.

“Yeah. That was sarcasm.”

A beat. 

“So… what happened.”

Keith takes a deep breath, recounting to Shiro how Acxa’s prying for information got under his skin a little more than usual. 

“Keith you know you don’t have to hold up this unbothered facade right.”

“And why not?”

“I’m no therapist, but maybe it would be beneficial for you to open up to someone.”

“The more people know about me, the more power they have against me.”

Shiro’s sigh crackles through the phone, “it’s not all about power Keith. I know you’ve had it rough, but just because people have hurt you in the past doesn’t mean that everyone is out to hurt you now.”

“I thought you weren’t a therapist,” Keith attempts to shut the conversation down.

“I’m not, but I know you.”

“Tragically.”

“Harsh.”

There’s a pause. Keith can tell Shiro wants to keep the conversation going and is gauging if that’s a good idea. 

“Well anyway,” Keith starts.

“Anyway. Um. How’s campus life?” Shiro changes the topic overzealously. 

“Pretty good I guess.”

“You guess?”

“Yeah.”

“Hey. When are you visiting home? This old man misses you.”

Keith rolls his eyes, hoping Shiro can hear it in his voice. “Maybe this weekend? I’m almost done with midterms so I can come home for fall break. Gotta see you before you pass away.”

“Doin’ your old man proud Keithy boy,” Shiro wheezes.

“Man. That was the worst grandpa voice I’ve ever heard.”

“Bad enough to convince you to not come home?”

Keith takes an exaggerated moment to think. 

“No, but you’re on thin ice.”

Shiro laughs. “See you this weekend?”

“Yeah.”

“Good plan. Hey. Good luck with midterms.”

“Thanks dad.”

“You know how much I hate the dad bit.”

“I know. That’s why I do it.”

Once they hang up, Keith takes a moment to think about what Shiro said. He really needs to learn how to override his “push everyone away to stay safe” setting. He’s pretty sure that’s not possible, his walls will always be a part of him, but the least he can do right now is try to make amends. 

 

Keith: Hey I’m really sorry for snapping earlier

 

Acxa: whatever it’s fine

 

Keith: But it’s not

 

Keith: Me being upset doesn’t mean I can take it out on you

 

Acxa: true

 

Keith: Come on Acxa

Keith: Gimme something to work with

 

Acxa: why would I do that keith

Acxa: you constantly push me away

Acxa: i’m beginning to wonder if you even want me around in the first place

 

Keith: Do you know how weird it is for me to even be texting you right now

Keith: Usually when I’ve hurt someone I don’t follow up

Keith: Sure I feel like shit about it

Keith: But what’s the point in fixing things when it’s easier to just move on

 

Acxa: so then why did you bother texting me

 

Keith: Because I actually like our friendship 

 

Acxa: you know this is the most open you’ve been with me since we met

 

Keith: Don’t get used to it. 

Keith: This is exceedingly rare for me

 

Acxa: look i’m really not trying to psychoanalyze you because you’re my friend and that’s kinda fucked up but i think you’d benefit from letting some people in

Acxa: it doesn’t have to be me but we all need a good support system 

 

Keith: Funnily enough you’re not the first person to tell me that

 

Acxa: well then maybe you should listen to us… maybe we actually care about you (i know that breaks your tiny brain)

 

Keith: Working on it I swear

 

Acxa: and i’m proud of you for that

Acxa: truly. no sarcasm (since you’re shit at reading tone)

 

Keith: Awesome. Thank you for that. 

 

Acxa: no problem!

Acxa: i’m at krell rn care to join

 

Keith: Otw

 

***

 

That weekend, Keith visits home for the first time all semester. Shiro is overjoyed. Keith is… sort of joyed. They spend most of the weekend binging old movies, eating excessively, and (at least on Keith’s part) avoiding conversation on the details of Keith’s collegiate endeavors. 

It’s Sunday night when they decide to binge as many Marvel movies as possible. Considering how many movies there are, and the runtime of each, there is no way they could binge all of them before Keith has to go back to campus. 

They try anyway.

They’re halfway through The Incredible Hulk (the second of the marathon. Don’t judge. They can’t help that they like to watch Marvel in release order), when Keith finally gives in to sleep. Shiro is already snoring on the other end of the couch. Good marathon guys. 

Keith blinks awake, taking in the smells of Shiro making breakfast. It’s 11:00 AM which means he should probably head back to campus relatively soon. Still, he appreciates Shiro’s cooking, and wouldn’t miss a home cooked breakfast for anything. He makes his way to the table, laughing behind his hand at Shiro who is wearing an apron with chickens on it while he fries eggs. Ah. The morbid irony. He sits down, pulling out his phone. 

Anonymous Lemur: goooooodddd morrrnniinngggggggg

Anonymous Lemur: (read that in the riff from the lorax)

 

Anonymous Koala: Lol hi

 

Anonymous Lemur: how are you doing today my man?!

Anonymous Lemur: how’s break been??

Anonymous Lemur: sorry for not texting a ton, been busy w the fam

 

Anonymous Koala: Hey all good!

Anonymous Koala: I’ve just been binging Marvel with my brother

 

Anonymous Lemur: are you gonna kill me if i tell you i’m more of a DC guy

Anonymous Lemur: also hi to your brother!!

 

Anonymous Koala: No. It just means you’re wrong

 

Anonymous Lemur: hm

Anonymous Lemur: maybe we watch marvel together

 

“Oh? Keith smiling at his phone?”

It’s at this moment Keith knows he fucked up. He quickly places his phone face down on the table, making sure to lock it. 

“What? No. Me smiling? Never.”

“Keith…”

“Shiro…”

“You’re a terrible liar.”

“Am not!”

Shiro makes a quick swipe at his phone, and if Keith has learned anything from living with Shiro, it is that Shiro’s reflexes will always and forever be faster than his own. It is with said (inhumanly) fast reflexes that Shiro manages to snatch Keith’s phone from him, a Canvas notification lighting up the screen. 

 

Anonymous Lemur: for science of course.

 

“Who is Anonymous Lemur, and what are we doing for science?” Shiro asks with genuine concern in his voice.

“It’s a long story.”

Shiro places a plate in front of Keith, vaulting over the table before grabbing his own plate.

“I’ve got time.”

 

“Ok wait. Lemme get this straight,” Shiro looks up at Keith from where he’s lying face down on his placemat, the breakfast plates long since emptied and put aside.

“You’ve been cyber bullying a cyber bully with an anonymous classmate who goes by ‘Anonymous Lemur’ and now you’re friends, but you still have no idea who he is and he has no idea who you are?”

“Good summary, yes,” Keith shakes his head, jumping slightly when Shiro gives a sharp laugh that quickly dissolves into a belly laugh.

Keith watches as Shiro attempts (and fails multiple times) to pull himself together. He’s unbothered since Acxa laughs at him so often. 

“Ok so you mean to tell me,” Shiro gasps between laughs, “that you’ve been pavloved into blushing every time you get a Canvas notification?” 

“Damn. I’m shocked Acxa hasn’t hit me with that one yet.”

“I just can’t imagine,” Shiro is still struggling to get sentences through his laughter, “falling in love with someone on fucking Canvas.”

“Hey! Who said anything about falling in love?”

“Keith, it’s so obvious.”

“Please enlighten me.”

“May I reiterate that you literally blush at Canvas. As in the same app that tells you all the work you have to cram in a night. And you really don’t know who this mystery man is? Not even a lead?”

“Nope. Nothing. Not a clue.”

“Ok well your Canvas given, anonymous animal is Koala right?”

“Right…” Keith doesn't know where this is going. 

“Your name starts with K. So I’m thinking your anonymous friend and possibly lover has a name that starts with L.”

“I’m gonna ignore the lover comment, but you may be on to something with the names.” The only person whose name starts with L that Keith knows is Lance. He mentally cringes at the idea even though he can’t help but be slightly curious.

 

***

 

Anonymous Lemur: hey so post fall break blues are hitting me

Anonymous Lemur: i’m really grateful to have “met” you

Anonymous Lemur: thanks for… idk… seeing me

 

Keith is beaming at his phone for an embarrassingly long time before he realizes he needs to fix his face.

“You’re looking cheery this morning. God, you look weird when you smile.”

Keith looks up from lacing his boots at Lance who is judging him from his lofted bed. 

“Better than you. You look weird all the time,” Keith shoots back. He belatedly remembers Acxa’s comment on how he always bites the bait. He really needs to work on that.

“Better than looking like an angry meerkat all the time.”

“Have you ever tried getting off your high horse or are you too afraid of heights?”

“Suck my dick,” Lance double handedly flips him off. 

Keith returns the gesture. “Yeah, no. I’ll have to pass.”

 

***

 

Keith trudges back to his dorm after finishing a horrifically long essay and is greeted by the sound of screams. Of course Lance chose tonight to watch shitty horror with people. He takes a deep breath and walks into the room.

The lights are off, Lance’s computer generating a faint glow from its spot on Lance’s desk chair. Three faces turn to look at up at him from the floor as he drops his backpack. 

“Ah hello Lance’s roommate,” greets a small person in a green hoodie, “The nervous guy’s Hunk. I’m Pidge.” 

“Hi. Sorry to interrupt.”

“Nah, you’re all good! This is your room too,” Hunk moves to offer Keith a fist bump.

Lance bats Hunk’s hand away before Keith can respond. “You guys are way too nice to him. This guy is a menace to society.”

Keith glares at Lance before turning back to Pidge and Hunk. 

“I’m Keith. I’m Lance’s roommate,” he supplies helpfully. 

Lance coughs a laugh behind his hand.

“Hey, you chill if we finish this movie? We’ve got about 30 minutes left,” Hunk asks.

“Yeah. That’s fine.”

“You wanna join?” Pidge is already moving to make space.

“No,” Lance answers for him.

“Lance, be nice to your roommate for once,” Hunk sighs, scooting closer to Lance to make room for Keith.

“Yeah there’s plenty of space, get over here!” Pidge smiles, patting the spot next to them for Keith.

Keith sighs in resignation. It’s fine. He kind of likes shitty horror anyway. 

 

Anonymous Koala: Guess who just got roped into movie night?!

 

He misses the side eye Pidge gives him. 

 

***

 

Anonymous Koala: Ok so I’m actually freaking out bc apparently in college you need 3+ halloween costumes??

 

Anonymous Lemur: hell yeah halloweekend is about to go CRAZY

Anonymous Lemur: do you have any costume ideas?

 

Anonymous Koala: Tbh I haven’t even thought about it

Anonymous Koala: Do you have any ideas?

 

Anonymous Lemur: i do!

Anonymous Lemur: however, if i tell you i think that would ruin the anonymity thing

Anonymous Lemur: there’s a high chance we’ll be at the same parties soooo

 

Anonymous Koala: That. Actually makes sense.

Anonymous Koala: Good thinking

 

Anonymous Lemur: why thank you 

 

There is a loud yell of annoyance from the bathroom. Keith sighs, making his way to the bathroom and cautiously opening the door to a disgruntled Lance.

“What’s the point of all this yelling.”

“I can’t get this shit open.”

“Lemme see.”

Keith takes the tub of moisturizer from Lance, struggling with it for a second before finally getting it opened.

“Here you go weakling.”

“Oh fuck you. I definitely loosened it most of the way.”

“Say whatever you’ve got to say to make yourself feel better.”

Lance turns back to the mirror applying a good amount of moisturizer before catching Keith’s eye in the mirror.

“Remind me why you’re still here?”

“Oh uh.”

“It’s probably your horrifically dry lizard skin crying for help.”

“What?”

Before he can register anything, Lance is inches away from his face, slapping a moisturizer coated hand to his cheek. Keith recoils instantly, batting Lance’s hand away. And of course, that’s where the fight begins. Lance leaves the fight the clear winner, and Keith leaves the fight thoroughly covered in moisturizer. 

 

***

 

Anonymous Lemur: classes done, hell yeah, bender weekend time

Anonymous Lemur: you done with yours?

 

Anonymous Koala: Yup! Just got out

 

Anonymous Lemur: let the bad decisions commence!

 

Keith examines himself in the mirror. He’s clad in his usual black ripped jeans, paired with a sheer black top. He’s also wearing a cape that is sort of reminiscent of wings. His mothman costume is completed with a pair of red sunglasses he’s currently wearing on his head. 

Lance, currently wearing a very tight, cropped leather vest and Beetlejuice pants, pushes him out of the way so he can add green hair paint to his already slicked back hair. 

“Which party are you off to so I can make sure to avoid it?”

“Honestly, I have no idea. I’m just going wherever my friend wants to go.”

“Wow. I’m shocked.”

“What?”

“I just wasn’t expecting you to have friends.”

“Oh fuck you,” Keith shoves Lance out of the way so he can open the door.

“Hopefully I don’t see you tonight. Make good choices I guess.”

“You know I won’t!” Lance sings cheerfully as Keith bolts from the room.

 

And because the universe hates Keith Kogane, Acxa drags him to the exact party Lance, Hunk, and Pidge happen to be at. Luckily enough, Keith is too drunk to care. He’s stumbling toward the porch of the very smelly, woefully overheated frat house for a cig when someone falls directly in front of him. On instinct he tries to catch the falling body, forgetting just how drunk he is. His lack of arm strength in this state drags him to the floor, landing unceremoniously on top of the person he tried to catch.

And of course, that person is Lance.

“You should watch your step,” he spits vengefully at Lance.

“And you should watch your mouth!” Lance shoots back, glaring at Keith as he wobbles to his feet. 

He hears a shout of laughter and a muffled “get a room” from somewhere to his right. Eventually he locates Pidge who is now doubled over laughing, steadying themselves with a hand on Hunk’s shoulder. 

He hauls himself to his feet, graciously taking his red sunglasses from Hunk, nodding in appreciation.

“Where are you going in such a hurry anyway,” Lance cringes as he rubs the shoulder he landed on.

“Was going to the porch for a cig break. Until you fucking fell on me.”

“Excuse me! I believe it was you who fell on me!”

“I heard cigs count me in!” Pidge yells enthusiastically, grabbing Keith’s arm. 

Lance shakes his head at the both of them. “I’d actually prefer to stay a respectable distance from Keith. Good luck Pidge,” he gives a two finger salute before dragging Hunk in the direction of the drinks. 

Keith rolls his eyes, letting himself be dragged out to the porch by Pidge.

“You got a light?”

“Yeah,” Pidge digs around in their Kim Possible style green cargo pants, eventually producing a lighter.

Keith lights up and takes a satisfying drag before passing it to Pidge.

“I apologize for Lance’s antics,” Pidge says as they exhale.

“Eh. I’ve gotten used to it.”

“Sure, but I get he can be a little much sometimes.”

“Yeah that’s for sure,” Keith smiles, taking the cig back from Pidge. 

“You’re the only one he’s like that with, you know.”

“I’m honored?”

“Yeah I have no idea what this little rivalry you have going on is about, but my guess is that you’re the first person to respond equally to him.”

Keith looks over, confused. “Elaborate?”

“It’s just that Lance has always felt like he’s too much, but you give back exactly what he gives you. Maybe he feels like he’s not too much for you.”

They fall into silence, staring up at the stars, smoke circling around them.

Keith breaks the silence eventually. “So Lance doesn’t hate me?”

“Nah. It’s just his way of avoiding letting his guard down.”

Keith is all too familiar with that feeling.

“Heard.”

Pidge grabs his arm. “Bet I can outdrink you!”

“Doubtful.”

 

Many a drink later, Pidge and Keith are dead on the floor. Pidge can in fact out drink Keith. Keith would stand corrected if he could stand up right now. News alert: he can’t. 

Lance is laughing from above them and Hunk is shaking his head in agony.

“Damn Keith I didn't realize you were a cheap drunk.”

Keith’s alcohol soaked brain can only come up with one response: “Fuck you Lance.”

“Ooh, so eager!” Lance claps his hands sarcastically, “you do look the type to eat a banana for the shape and not the taste.”

“Oh so you’re homophobic,” Keith spits back.

“Quite the opposite actually.”

“He’s bisexual, actually,” Hunk clarifies, pushing up his Dwight Schrute glasses with an air of false superiority.

“Great. I really needed this information,” Keith grunts from his place on the floor. 

Pidge, suddenly gaining consciousness, laughs loudly pointing at Keith. “You one of them queers?”

Keith, shocked, spins to look at them too quickly, causing the whole room to spin haphazardly. 

Pidge laughs even louder, “don’t worry I could smell your gayness the moment I met you.”

“Comforting.”

Hunk, the only one with an ounce of sense in this strange friend group Keith has found himself surrounded by, smiles gently at Keith. “Don’t worry my guy, you’re in good company.”

Keith smiles back, “I figured.”

“While this is touching and all,” Lance interjects, “this whole conversation is making me need another shot.”

Hunk nods in agreement, turning to Pidge and Keith. “You guys good staying here for a second?”

Pidge shoots him a thumbs up, asking him to bring back more jello shots for themselves and Keith. 

“I think you guys have had enough for tonight,” Hunk laughs before following Lance across the room.

 

20 minutes later, Lance and Hunk have still not returned and Keith is feeling sober enough to pull out his phone. He opens it to a Canvas notification from, you guessed it, Anonymous Lemur.

 

Anonymous Lemur: that’s it. i partied too hard.

 

Anonymous Koala: Tragic seeing as it is only the first night of this here Halloweekend

 

For the second time that night, Keith is jarred by Lance falling into him.

“I think I’m dying.”

Keith shoves him away, “good riddance.”

“Why are you so mean to me?” Lance whines from his new place leaning against Pidge.

“You started it,” Keith glares.

“Aaand I’m proud of that.”

 

***

 

Anonymous Koala: Dude did you survive?

 

Anonymous Lemur: oh fuck i totally forgot text back

Anonymous Lemur: sorry i was deeply out of it last night

 

Anonymous Koala: All good man as long as you’re ok

 

Anonymous Lemur: omggg you careeeee

 

Anonymous Koala: Tragically yes

Anonymous Koala: How are you doing this morning

 

Anonymous Lemur: extremely hungover. You?

 

Anonymous Koala: Shockingly not hungover

 

Anonymous Lemur: jealous asf

Anonymous Lemur: but alas we rally

 

Anonymous Koala: You’re going out again tn? Why?!

 

Anonymous Lemur: you only get your freshman year halloweekend once

Anonymous Lemur: i’ll worry about my liver when i’m old and rotting

“Dude where did you go last night? You disappeared on me.”

Keith and Acxa are at Krell once again. The back corner table is basically theirs now.

“I got dragged into a drinking competition with Lance’s friend?”

“Woah,” Acxa looks genuinely surprised, “You willingly hung out with the Lance squad.”

“I had enough drinks in me I guess. Where did you end up?”

“When you went for a cig, I got dragged onto the dance floor by a random girl and frankly I don’t remember the rest?”

“Was she cute?”

“Oh yes very.”

“Soooooo…”

“Keith, I've created a monster. When have you been interested in the drama of life.”

“Well god forbid I care about my friend,” Keith sneers into his coffee. The hangover is getting worse as the day progresses and this stunning cup of black coffee is his only lifeline. 

“That’s very sweet!” Acxa says mockingly trying to catch Keith's eye. 

He blatantly ignores her, “gross.”

“Anyway she was cute, but not really my vibe.”

“A tragedy.”

“Truly. How was drinking with the Lance squad?”

“Pidge and Hunk are chill. I couldn’t tell you why they hang around someone as annoying as Lance.”

“Maybe he has some good qualities hidden under that exasperating mask,” Acxa shrugs.

“You’d need an excavating team to find them.”

 

***

 

“If people think we’re dating I’m gonna shoot a bitch,” Acxa takes a mirror selfie of her with an elbow resting on Keith’s shoulder. 

Her hair is filled with a large number of clips, eyeliner somehow darker than usual, and black lipstick. Keith is dressed in (shocker) black ripped jeans and a sleeveless blue hoodie, hood tightened around his face with black sunglasses. They are the picture perfect Damian and Janis.

“Everyone who has seen Mean Girls knows Janis is the textbook definition of a lesbian.”

“Everyone but the writers apparently,” Acxa mourns, “at least they made her gay in the remake.”

“I never saw the remake.”

“Valid take.”

When Acxa and Keith arrive at the party, the first person they run into is a fairly drunk Pidge with mouse ears and an equally drunk Hunk in a chef’s hat and apron.

“Ratatouille. Nice,” Acxa comments.

“Keith!” Pidge slurs, “who’s this?”

“Oh yeah,” Keith remembers introductions, “Acxa this is Hunk and Pidge. Hunk and Pidge, this is Acxa.”

Acxa nods curtly at the two of them in greeting. “So you guys are my friend’s roommate’s friends then?”

“That’s us!” Hunk salutes in the most professional way he can muster at this stage of intoxication.

“Where’s Lance? He wasn’t in the room earlier, so I assumed he was with you guys,” Keith asks cautiously.

“Ooh you looking for your boyfriend??” Pidge sends a smirk in Keith’s direction.

“What! No. I just don’t want to spend the whole night with Lance.”

“Sure buddy,” Acxa pats his shoulder sympathetically.

Hunk laughs behind his hand, “good one guys.”

“You guys are the worst,” Keith sighs in resignation, “where are the drinks I need one or six. Stat.”

Pidge points toward the back corner of the room, “yeah you guys are wayyy too sober right now.”

“Already on it,” Acxa grabs Keith’s arm, dragging him in the direction Pidge pointed. 

Acxa grabs a handful of jello shots handing three to Keith. “Cheers buddy.”

Keith raises his first (terrifyingly blue) jello shot, tapping it against Acxa’s. “Cheers.”

 

With three jello shots in his system, Keith is beginning to feel it. Acxa hoots with laughter, falling into Keith unceremoniously when someone bumps into her. 

“Hey what the fuck?”

“My bad pretty lady- oh it’s you,” Lance grimaces as his eyes land on Keith.

“Ah. It’s just like you to show up extremely late.”

Lance tips his head back in a barking laugh, “I put the fashion into fashionably late.”

“I’m failing to see the fashion. Did you forget it at home?” Keith rolls his eyes, “what are you even supposed to be?” 

“I’m a mermaid, duh,” Lance gestures down at his costume like it’s the clearest thing in the world, “you really aren’t the brightest of the bunch.”

“Man I’m so sorry I didn’t understand your stupid costume,” Keith sticks his lip out in a feigned pout. 

He must admit though, Lance went all out with this costume and he looks damn good. His eyes are painted with sparkly blue makeup making his blue eyes stand out even more. He’s wearing a bedazzled crop top, paired with patterned bell bottom blue yoga pants.

“At least I tried,” Lance snaps. “I only know what your costume is because your friend here did so well with her costume. I’m Lance by the way,” he adds, raising a sultry eyebrow at Acxa. 

“Thanks, but you should know, I’m for the girls,” Acxa replies smoothly.

“Heard and noted,” he turns back to Keith, “have you seen Hunk and Pidge?”

“Last I saw them they were over there,” Keith points. 

“Well. Smell ya later,” Lance salutes before beginning his journey through the crowd of very drunk college students. 

Acxa grabs Keith’s wrist and follows. Keith downs another shot and lets himself be lugged across the room.

 

Keith has never been much of a dancer, but it’s hard to not move to the rhythm of the music when everyone around you is moving. Keith gives up on personal space, laughing at Acxa’s archaic dance moves. 

She grabs his hand, forcing him to twirl under her arm with a tap to his shoulder. 

Pidge suddenly appears out of nowhere, producing a large amount of jello shots from the front pocket of their grey hoodie.

“Doing shots without me? I’m hurt.”

Keith turns, finding himself face to face with Lance. 

“My bad Lance,” Hunk shouts over the music, “we didn’t know where you were!”

“Met this nice girl,” Lance yells back.

“Dude I can’t hear you,” Pidge screams, grabbing Hunk and Acxa’s wrists, dragging them toward a quieter corner of the room. Acxa manages to grab Keith’s hand, and Keith is dragged across the room for the second time that night. Keith realizes Hunk was able to grab on to Lance as they both stumble along in Pidge’s wake, bumping into each other uncomfortably, and often. Once they reach a place where they can better hear each other, Pidge turns to Lance.

“Do you at least remember her name this time,” Pidge asks skeptically.

“Hey rude! I always remember names.”

“Lance, you know I love you right. I love you. You’re shit with names,” Hunk takes the responding glare from Lance in stride. 

“Ok but I do actually remember her name this time. It’s Nyma,” Lance smiles drunkenly. 

“Here we go again,” Pidge mumbles to Hunk who nods solemnly in response. 

Keith zones out as Lance gushes about this girl, suddenly finding the wall very interesting. An indeterminate amount of time passes before Acxa waves a hand in front of his face.

“Hellooooo! Earth to Keith?”

“Heyy what sorry.”

“Nothing, you were just zoned out. You ok?”

“Yeah I’m fine.”

“What? Are you jealous,” a grating voice cuts across the circle.

“Of what? You?!” Keith sneers back.

A grin reminiscent of the Cheshire Cat’s stretches across Lance’s face, and Keith decides this is a great moment to go collect more jello shots.

 

***

 

Anonymous Koala: I pulled a you last night

 

Anonymous Lemur: and what exactly does that entail?

 

Anonymous Koala: Blacking out

 

Anonymous Lemur: very very real

 

Anonymous Koala: Never agree to a shot contest when a small person challenges you

Anonymous Koala: I swore I’d be fine bc they’re literally like half my height but damn they can hold their liquor

 

Anonymous Lemur: EXACTLY

Anonymous Lemur: i have a friend 5 feet AT MOST and i’m convinced they can out drink anyone and everyone

 

Anonymous Koala: Truly a dangerous game to play

 

Anonymous Lemur: you can say that again

 

Anonymous Koala: Truly a dangerous game to play

 

Anonymous Lemur: aaaand on that note, i’m going back to bed. goodnight 

 

Anonymous Koala: Sleep well

 

Anonymous Lemur: thank you angel

 

Keith turns over in his bed, attempting to bury his blush into his pillow.

 

***

 

Acxa: ok last night of halloweekend 2024

Acxa: we’re gonna make it a good one

 

Keith: How are you still alive

 

Acxa: the alcohol gods have bestowed upon me a most rare blessing

 

Keith: Do you even know what you’re saying

 

Acxa: nope!

 

Keith drags himself out of his bed, feeling the headache the second he moves. Class on Monday is gonna be fun. He drags himself into the bathroom to change into his last costume: a skeleton onesie he thrifted. He smears black eyeshadow around his eyes, hoping his lazy attempt looks at least decent in the darkness of a frat house basement.

When he leaves the bathroom, he runs directly into Lance.

“You’ve got to be fucking kidding me.”

Keith blanches as he realizes Lance is also wearing a skeleton onesie. What are the fucking odds.

“Is it too late to change costumes?”

“I am absolutely gonna find a new one. Mark my words.”

“And how are you gonna do that genius? It’s 8 PM.”

“Ugh. Fucking. Ok at least let me fix your makeup because you look like death.”

“Isn’t that the point?”

“Yeah, but this is just embarrassing,” Lance sighs. 

Keith’s too tired to fight as Lance corrals him into the bathroom, carefully removing some of the messy makeup.

“Ok, close your eyes.”

Keith does, for fear that Lance will poke his eye out.

When Lance is done, Keith must admit the makeup looks a lot better than what he did. He leans against the doorframe, watching Lance apply similar makeup to his own eyes.

“I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I’m meeting Hunk and Pidge by the fountain in the middle of campus. Do you wanna join?”

“Sure. Let me text Acxa.”

Keith returns to his bed to grab his phone, suddenly stunned by the reality of his situation. Lance just asked him to hang out and he agreed. One more time. Lance just asked him to Hang Out. And he agreed.

 

Keith: Change of plans. Meet me by the fountain in the middle of campus

 

Acxa: word ok i’ll be there shortly

 

Keith: No rush

Keith: Lance and I haven't even left the dorm yet

 

Acxa: hold the fucking phone

Acxa: you and lance are going together?!

 

Keith: Dude I’m just as shocked as you are

 

Acxa: doubtful

Acxa: color me blush and fucking baffled

 

By the time Lance and Keith make it to the fountain, Pidge and Hunk are already there, dressed as their D&D characters Meklavar and Block. Both of them seem to have an extremely difficult time holding it together when seeing Keith and Lance’s (accidentally!) matching costumes. Pidge is the first to break. 

“Oh my god y’all are in a couple’s costume.”

Both Lance and Keith blanch, looking at each other and then immediately looking away. 

“It’s not a couple’s costume,” Lance defends.

“Yeah it was fully a fucked coincidence I swear,” Keith adds.

Hunk and Pidge are not convinced, but they don’t have time to say anything else before a loud shout cuts across the night.

Acxa is walking towards them in a Black Widow body suit. She’s nearly doubled over in laughter by the time she reaches them.

“A fucking,” she gasps, “couple’s costume?!”

“It’s not a couple’s costume!” Keith and Lance protest at the same time, earning more loud laughs from the rest of the group.

“You guys aren’t fooling anyone,” Acxa cackles, looping her arm through Keith’s.“You guys ready to do this?”

“Born ready!” Pidge whoops, leading the way toward the frat houses. 

 

***

 

Everyone is very drunk. Horrifically so. Too drunk to hold it together when the RA’s show up.

“Guys I’m not here to interrupt your fun,” Allura diplomatically speaks into a microphone attached to the speakers, “but you all have class tomorrow and being a college student comes with academic responsibility.”

“Fuck academic responsibility!” someone in the crowd yells.

“Well then fuck your future!” Allura responds sweetly. 

In the end, Allura is able to persuade the vast majority of party goers to go home. More power to her, Keith thinks as she ushers everyone through the door.

“Well,” Pidge says to the night air, “good luck recovering from this weekend my friends. I’m going to bed.”

“I second that motion,” Hunk agrees, yawning widely. 

“I’m gonna turn in too,” Acxa stretches her arms above her head, “I really don’t know how I’m gonna get out of this body suit.”

“Good luck friend,” Lance laughs, “From my experience with body suits, you have to convince them you’re boss. Then they’ll listen to you.”

“What. Are you talking about?” Keith sighs heavily.

“I don’t know! I’m drunk!” Lance yells at the sky.

“Are you guys able to get back safely?” Hunk asks with genuine concern.

“For sure. I’ve got Keith with me. What could possibly go wrong!?” Lance answers sarcastically.

“Only one way to find out,” Keith laughs before taking off at a drunken jog toward their dorm.

“Hey wait up! Keith? Buddy? My man?!

“Not my fault you’re slow!” Keith yells over his shoulder.

“You-“ Lance begins before practically kicking up dust as he runs to catch up with Keith. When he gets to Keith he doesn’t stop, breezing past Keith laughing over his shoulder as Keith breaks into a run to catch up. 

The two fly through campus, shrieking insults at each other the whole way. The two are evenly matched, neck and neck, as they race to a destination unbeknownst to either of them. Eventually they end up on the lawn, Lance running up behind Keith, tackling him to the ground. 

They roll for what feels like forever, Lance somehow ending up on top, holding himself inches above Keith. Their laughter comes to a jarring stop as they realize the position they’re currently in, Keith shoving Lance off him and sitting up quickly.

“Fuck,” Lance laughs from the ground next to him. “I haven’t run that much in an embarrassing amount of time.”

Keith looks over at him, breathless (from running of course), taking in Lance’s face in the dim light. Real stars make Lance’s skin glow in a way the fake stars on their ceiling can’t, and Keith feels like he’s seeing Lance for the first time. This Lance is softer, giggly. Maybe Keith isn’t the only one who has walls up after all. 

Lance rolls over on his back, laying his head on his hands. His wide smile has faded into a relaxed one, and Keith decides Lance was meant to reflect the stars. Something about the night air and the excessive alcohol must be getting to him. 

“You know. I actually don’t hate you right now,” Lance whispers like he’s wishing on a shooting star.

Here in the dark, where Keith doesn’t have to look at Lance’s face, it feels easier. Also the alcohol. But mostly Lance. If Keith was honest with himself. 

“I actually don’t hate you right now either.”

“Huh. Even Keith has a soft spot. That’s nice to know,” Lance turns back to the sky. “I’ve always wanted to go up there.”

“Space?”

“Yeah.”

Keith pauses, unsure of what to say. 

“I just love the idea of the vastness of it all,” Lance continues quietly. “It’s nice to know that I’m just a speck of dust floating on a rock hurtling through space. The universe is so unfathomably large, it’s nice to know that I’m small. Insignificant.”

“You’re not insignificant Lance.”

“That’s what you took away?”

“I’ve always wanted to go to space too.”

Lance seems content with Keith’s half related answer, letting silence fall between them.

 

***

 

Anonymous Lemur: hold me to this my man

Anonymous Lemur:  i am not drinking until next semester

 

Anonymous Koala: Heard because same 

 

Anonymous Lemur: they weren’t kidding about halloweekend man

Anonymous Lemur: i have never been that fucked up before i don’t think i could tell you half of what happened

 

Anonymous Koala: You should try because it’ll be funny for me

 

Anonymous Lemur: you are a cruel, cruel koala

 

Anonymous Koala: Yet you still talk to me

 

Anonymous Lemur: tragic i know

 

Anonymous Koala: Sooooo…. Your weekend?

 

Anonymous Lemur: nothing too exciting honestly, spent the whole thing either drunk or hungover

 

Anonymous Koala: Vicious cycle truly

 

Anonymous Lemur: why yes

Anonymous Lemur: also i drunkenly asked a girl out??

 

Anonymous Koala: Oh?

 

Keith tries and fails to convince himself he’s unaffected.

 

Anonymous Lemur: i’ll have to let you know how it goes

 

Keith puts his phone down.

I’m not mad. I don’t even care. It’s stupid. All of this is stupid.

(Sure, Keith. Whatever you say).

Notes:

Notes:

Keith is honest with himself about Lance eventually I promise.

Let’s exercise patience.

Chapter 5: Nobody Puts Baby In the Corner

Summary:

This is me warning you that this chapter is angsty.

Enjoy!

<Anonymous Koala>

Beginning with John Smith’s idea that God meant for the world to be inhabited by humans sheds a light on the horrific truth that John Smith did not see Native Americans as human. They inhabited the land that we now know as America long before Chistopher Columbus sailed the ocean blue. In a similar vein, I was surprised by how straightforward the textbook was on the brutality of slavery and the practices on which America was built. I have found that much of the history we are taught (especially in grade school) is “watered down.” Sure, this is partly because teaching children about massacres might not be the best approach to education, but I think it is important to know the atrocities on which our “melting pot” burns. America is much less of a melting pot and more of a cultural usurpation. Additionally, this idea of viewing different cultures as wrong leads directly to the oppression many people of color face in our world today. 

 

<Anonymous Jaguar>

I fail to grasp your hatred for America. This country allows us the freedom to be in college, posting on this discussion board, living a good and fulfilling life. Why are you so set on destroying that?

 

<Anonymous Lemur>

What you’re describing is called privilege.

Anonymous Lemur: anonymous jaguar can suck my dick

Anonymous Lemur: i’m so glad we only have like 2 more week of putting up with this dumb fuck

 

Anonymous Koala: Considering how deeply homophobic he is I doubt he’d want to

 

Anonymous Lemur: how do we know he’s a guy

 

Anonymous Koala: With the amount of misogynist bullshit he’s on??

 

Anonymous Lemur: fair enough

Anonymous Lemur: but yk what i mean

Anonymous Lemur: that guy is the fucking worst

 

Anonymous Koala: Truly I wonder what happened to him to make him the way he is

 

Anonymous Lemur: maybe he got rejected by a guy and now he hates all the gays

 

Anonymous Koala: It’s always the most homophobic people who are the deepest in the closet

 

Anonymous Lemur: exactly. you get it

Anonymous Lemur: anyway how’s my anonymous koala today

 

Keith tries to ignore his automatic smile. 

 

Anonymous Koala: Pretty boring

Anonymous Koala: Just classes. Nothing else.

 

Anonymous Lemur: terrible. truly

Anonymous Lemur: but real

Anonymous Lemur: i am in desperate need of the end of this semester

 

Anonymous Koala: Hey we’ve only got a few more weeks of classes and then exams and then we’re done

 

Anonymous Lemur: man what would i do without you

 

Anonymous Koala: Succumb to the pressures of the first semester of college 

 

Anonymous Lemur: you say that jokingly but you have no idea how right you are

Keith suppresses the urge to literally kick and scream.

His joy is almost immediately ruined by Lance yelling at him from behind his laptop. 

“Take the trash out and maybe just stay there.”

Great. So getting heinously drunk with someone doesn’t fix a treacherous roommate relationship. Got it. (Insert annotation for dramatic irony here please). 

“That’s how you’re gonna ask me to take the trash out?!” Keith yells back, “most of it is your shit!”

“Oh sureee. Blame it all on me when I’m looking at the trash and all I can see are your fucking instant ramen packs.”

“Yeah whatever you gotta say to make yourself feel better. AFTER GENERATING ENOUGH TRASH TO CREATE A SMALL LANDFILL.”

“I’LL STICK YOU IN A LANDFILL.”

“THIS ROOM IS ALREADY BASICALLY A LANDFILL WITH ALL OF YOUR USELESS SHIT. Just take out the trash.”

“You take out the trash.”

The trash is later taken out by a very gracious Hunk.

 

***

 

Keith shivers as he walks back to his dorm. The late November breeze is becoming unbearable, but at least the semester is almost over.

 

Anonymous Koala: It’s cold as shit oh my god

 

Anonymous Lemur: baby come over i promise it’s warmer in my arms

 

Anonymous Koala: Holy shit

 

Anonymous Lemur: too far?

 

Anonymous Koala: Only if you didn’t mean it

 

Anonymous Lemur: damn ok i didn’t know you had lines

Anonymous Lemur: color me fucking flustered

 

Anonymous Koala: Shut up

 

Anonymous Lemur: shutting up!

 

Keith is feeling immensely warmer despite still braving the winter wind. He wonders just how far this can go before it becomes catastrophic, before one of them says something they can’t take back. It’s definitely not something he should fuck with. It’s a dangerous line. Especially because he’s terrified of what will happen when their flirting suddenly loses the joking edge. He really has no clue what he’ll do if this becomes serious. 

Or. He does know. He’ll push Lemur away. No question about it. 

He won’t admit that he maybe a little bit hopes that Lemur will be able to change his mind. 

 

***

 

Once again, Keith and Acxa are holed up in Krell tackling the homework they’d been procrastinating. Keith has a number of reaction papers (reactions to readings he hasn’t completed) to write for his multiple English classes, as well as a sociology paper. On top of that, finals are on the horizon. Basically, Keith is cooked.

He’s been catching up on reading and writing reaction papers since he and Acxa got to Krell around noon. He’s made progress, but his computer is dying VERY quickly, and of course he forgot his charger. Still, he’s determined to finish at least the reading and journals before he has to return to the dorm to retrieve his charger. Something about the impending death of his computer keeps him motivated. 

When his computer finally dies, he’s halfway through his last journal. Acxa starts as Keith slams his computer shut.

“Jeez dude.”

“Sorry.”

“You’re good I was just locked in.”

“I gotta head back to my dorm for my charger,” Keith shakes his head as he packs up his textbooks.

“No worries! But please I need updates on your anonymous friend situation. I didn’t wanna ask, but the curiosity is genuinely killing the cat. The cat being me.”

“I mean there’s nothing really new? Still anonymous, still texting.”

“Here’s the real question though,” Acxa gives Keith a knowing look, “have you realized your undying love for each other?”

“So that would be a no.”

“Oh Keith. Are you this oblivious or just plain stupid?”

“Ok ouch?”

“Not even a little bit sorry. You and mystery man need to meet up and not so mysteriously make out.”

“Nice alliteration.”

“Ok Mr. English Major. Which romance trope is this? Enemies to lovers, forced proximity, uhh…” Acxa trails off, waving a hand as if to usher in more romance tropes.

“Bye Acxa!” Keith stands, grabbing his backpack.

“Fine. But one day you’ll be deeply apologetic when you realize I’m right.”

“As I am confident that day will never happen…”

“How confident?” Acxa says with complete sincerity. “Give me a percentage.”

“A whole one hundred percent.”

“Ok then. Five dollars.”

“Ten and you’re on.”

“Deal.” 

My dear Keith, please never gamble ever again. The odds are not in your favor.

 

***

 

Anonymous Koala: I’m beginning to think that the week before finals is actually worse than finals week

 

Anonymous Lemur: yk

Anonymous Lemur: i must agree

Anonymous Lemur: but please i need your explanation

 

Anonymous Koala: Professors honor the fact that is exam week, nothing else is due

Anonymous Koala: But the week before they don’t care so I’m balancing normal homework on top of projects and shit

 

Anonymous Lemur: EXACTLY

Anonymous Lemur: like they all attended college once

Anonymous Lemur: how have they not learned

 

Anonymous Koala: Truly and genuinely the cycle of violence 

 

Anonymous Lemur: we will never escape

 

Anonymous Koala: No. Never. 

 

Anonymous Lemur:  but hey

Anonymous Lemur: once we get through this week we only have finals left and then we’re done

Anonymous Lemur: one semester down

Anonymous Lemur: 7 to go

 

Anonymous Koala: Don’t remind me

 

Anonymous Lemur: that was supposed to be encouragement but then i made myself even more depressed

Anonymous Lemur: whoops

 

***

 

December 4, 9:14 PM

Anonymous Koala: Dude have you started the final paper for sociology

 

Anonymous Lemur: the one that’s due tomorrow at 8:00 AM?

Anonymous Lemur: funny you should ask…

Anonymous Lemur: no

 

Anonymous Koala: Grand

Anonymous Koala: Neither have I

 

Anonymous Lemur: i propose a challenge then

 

Anonymous Koala: Propose away

 

Anonymous Lemur: ok here goes

Anonymous Lemur: would you make me the happiest man alive and…

 

Keith blanches. Simply what in the everliving fuck is going on. 

 

Anonymous Lemur: accept my hand in

 

Keith’s forehead hits the cold table he’s sitting at in the humanities building. He simply cannot be this much of a mess over fake(?) flirting from an anonymous person.

 

Anonymous Lemur: a firm virtual handshake

 

What. 

 

Anonymous Lemur: in an agreement to a challenge that the first person to finish the paper gets to ask the other person anything and they have to answer truthfully

 

Anonymous Koala: This is a dangerous game to play

Anonymous Koala: …

Anonymous Koala: You’re on. Starting now.

 

2:23 AM

Anonymous Lemur: done.

 

Anonymous Koala: You’ve got to be fucking kidding me

Anonymous Koala: I literally have half a conclusion paragraph left

 

Anonymous Lemur: which means you have half a conclusion paragraph less than i do!

Anonymous Lemur: it also means i get to ask you whatever i want per our agreement

 

Anonymous Koala: Fine. Hit me.

 

Anonymous Lemur: i wouldn’t dream of messing up your probably gorgeous face

 

Keith feels the blush rising to his cheeks as he smiles at his phone. The flirty banter is fun until it’s not. What does it mean?! He looks around the room at the other students working diligently, hoping none of them can sense his inner dilemma.

 

Anonymous Lemur: have you ever been in love?

 

Keith freezes. He wasn’t expecting a question like that. Who even asks such a personal question after barely knowing someone. He supposes after three-ish months of knowing someone that might be a normal subject of conversation. 

However, telling people anything about himself is not his forte. Keith is aware of how he shares things that don’t matter to him as a means of connecting with people while still protecting things closer to his heart. He knows this is something he should definitely work on, but it’s just self-preservation right? Push them away before they can reject him right?

 

Anonymous Lemur: you’re taking a suspiciously long time to answer buddy

 

Anonymous Koala: Sorry. No. I guess I haven’t.

 

Anonymous Lemur: you should tell me more

 

Anonymous Koala: That wasn’t part of the deal

 

Anonymous Lemur: my man no need to be defensive i just want to learn more about my anonymous koala

 

Keith doesn’t know what to do with this. He recognizes his own freeze response (thank you psych major Acxa for the helpful information on trauma responses) as his thumbs hover over his keyboard. How is he supposed to respond? Tell Lance that his fear of connection will always outweigh his need to be understood? No.

 

Anonymous Lemur: sorry i wasn’t trying to make things weird

Anonymous Lemur: wanna hear a funny story from today?

 

Keith could not be more shocked at how someone can know that he needed the attention off of him. Especially over text.

 

Anonymous Koala: Sure

 

Anonymous Lemur: ok so…

 

Lemur launches into a very detailed story about a competition of bread throwing he and his friends had. Specifically, throwing bread off of the balcony of the science building. Lemur makes it very clear he won said competition. Keith is skeptical.

He enters his dorm still smiling over the idea of falling food hitting innocent students strolling past the science building earlier that evening.

The second he walks through the door, Lance practically throws his phone across the room, clearly flustered. 

“Hm. Looks as though Lance is on some shady shit.”

“What the fuck are you talking about.”

“I’ve never seen someone hide their phone that fast. Hm,” Keith hums as he drops his backpack and unties his shoes. “If you asked me, I would say you’re up to something nefarious.”

“Well lucky for all of us, I didn’t ask you,” Lance responds quickly.

“I’m not convinced, but I don’t want to know.”

“You’re insufferable.”

“Look in the mirror.”

 

***

 

December 5, 7:30 AM

Anonymous Lemur: idk if this helps anything, but i’ve never been in love either

 

Anonymous Koala: Dude it’s 7:30 in the morning

Anonymous Koala: Isn’t it a bit early to be deep diving emotions

 

Anonymous Lemur: i guess so, but i just thought it was only fair that i share since i clearly made you uncomfortable

 

Anonymous Koala: I appreciate it, I do, but it’s really ok

Anonymous Koala: I promise

 

Anonymous Lemur: ok

Anonymous Lemur: i trust you

 

Anonymous Koala: I know it doesn't seem like it but I trust you too

 

Anonymous Lemur: i know you do

Anonymous Lemur: you just have a different way of showing it

 

Anonymous Koala: Yeah

Anonymous Koala: I guess I have some walls up

 

Anonymous Lemur: and that’s ok!

 

Keith will never understand how he feels so comfortable with someone who he’s never actually met. Maybe the comfort of being able to hide behind a screen extends beyond discussion board posts.

He’s still contemplating his inability to open up to people even if they have given him no reason to believe they’d hurt him as he gets ready for the day. He walks to the bathroom, opening the door directly into Lance. 

“What the fuck man!”

“What was that about not knowing door etiquette?” Keith mentally revels in the turning of the tables. 

“Oh shut up. You’re the one who opened the door into me.”

“You’re the one who was standing precariously close to the door.”

“Whatever. Just let me finish my morning routine,” Lance shoves Keith’s shoulders in an attempt to remove him from the bathroom.

“I don’t have time for that Lance. Your morning routine takes ages and I have class in 20 minutes.”

“It’s not my fault you wake up dangerously close to the time you need to be somewhere.”

“Lance, you've been in the bathroom for the last 30 minutes.” 

“Whatever mullet.”

 

December 5, 12:00 PM

Anonymous Koala: Just finished my last class I am living the good life

 

Anonymous Lemur: jokes on you i’ve been done for about an hour now

 

Anonymous Koala: oh fuck you

 

Anonymous Lemur: well since you asked so nicely…

 

Anonymous Koala: Oh my god

 

Anonymous Lemur: is that a yes?

 

Anonymous Koala: Do you want it to be?

 

Anonymous Lemur: well played

 

Anonymous Koala: Why thank you

December 5, 8:00 PM

Anonymous Lemur: wanna hear a secret

 

Anonymous Koala: Shoot

 

Anonymous Lemur: so remember that girl that i drunkenly asked out over halloweekend 

 

Anonymous Koala: Yeah…

 

Anonymous Lemur: so we went out…

 

Anonymous Koala: That’s not a secret

 

Anonymous Lemur: hold your jets man i’m getting to the secret

Anonymous Lemur: so we went on this date right

Anonymous Lemur: and i remembered her face but i couldn’t remember her name for the life of me

 

Anonymous Koala: You’re kinda an ass you know that right

 

Anonymous Lemur: yes it’s a dick move but that’s beside the point 

 

Anonymous Koala: Right. Sure it is

 

Anonymous Lemur: whatever. we move on.

Anonymous Lemur: i pulled the “hey can you type your name into my phone, i just have your number and i want to spell your name right” card

 

Anonymous Koala: I must admit that’s kinda genius

 

Anonymous Lemur: you really think so???

 

Anonymous Koala: Forget I said anything

 

Anonymous Lemur: i forget nothing

 

Anonymous Koala: You forgot this poor girl’s name

 

Anonymous Lemur: ok fine you got me there

Anonymous Lemur: are you gonna let me tell this secret or not

 

Anonymous Koala: Is the secret not that you forgot your girlfriend’s name?

 

Anonymous Lemur: woah woah who said anything about girlfriend

 

Anonymous Koala: Is the secret that you suck at dates and she left in the middle?

 

Anonymous Lemur: cruel.

Anonymous Lemur: but no 

Anonymous Lemur: the secret is i suck at first dates

 

Anonymous Koala: Isn’t that what I just said

 

Anonymous Lemur: don’t patronize me man

 

Anonymous Koala: Seriously though, it can’t have been that bad

 

Anonymous Lemur: that’s the thing tho. it wasn’t.

 

Anonymous Koala: Then what made it bad?

 

Anonymous Lemur: i suck at the part of first dates where it’s just getting to know each other

Anonymous Lemur: like i just want to be seen and known

Anonymous Lemur: i want someone who understands me 

Anonymous Lemur: i want someone who laughs at my jokes, not because i’m a hilarious guy but because there’s history?

Anonymous Lemur: idk if that makes sense

 

Anonymous Koala: I think it does

Anonymous Koala: You want a genuine connection, but don’t know how to get there

 

Anonymous Lemur: dude exactly you get it

 

Anonymous Koala: I get it because I’m the same

 

Anonymous Lemur: huh i guess we all just want connection then

 

Anonymous Koala: We’re social creatures, it’s in our nature

 

Anonymous Lemur: you’re totally a psych major

 

Anonymous Koala: Nah I wasn’t kidding about having a friend who’s a psych major

 

Anonymous Lemur: ah makes sense

Anonymous Lemur: anyway, i think my problem is that i go on first dates expecting there to be that deep connection that i want and obviously it’s not there because it’s a fucking first date but since it’s not there at that moment i convince myself it’ll never be there

 

Anonymous Koala: I understand

Anonymous Koala: More than you know

 

Anonymous Lemur: tell me more?

 

Anonymous Koala: I mean there’s not much more to say that you haven’t

Anonymous Koala: We all want connection, but we have this need to protect ourselves so we can’t or won’t take the steps to actually form that connection

 

Anonymous Lemur: ok i never said that

Anonymous Lemur: i just don’t know how to form that connection

Anonymous Lemur: what if i’m not enough for that person, or even worse, what if i’m too much

 

Anonymous Koala: If it means anything, I think you’re goldilocks

 

Anonymous Lemur: dude what?

 

Anonymous Koala: I guess I’m saying I think you’re not too much or too little

 

Anonymous Lemur: just right?

 

Anonymous Koala: Yeah

 

Keith drops his phone on his pillow contemplating what unholy force has possessed him to say that. What is he thinking? This can only end poorly. He’s going against his every instinct, baring his heart to a stranger on the internet. He’ll blame it on the exhaustion and the stress of exam week for now. He doesn’t have time to unpack what it means if it’s not the stress that’s causing him to knock down wall after wall for one specific Lemur.

Lance turns over in his bed, the movement catching Keith’s eye. Keith picks up his phone again. 

 

Anonymous Lemur: anyways….

Anonymous Lemur: you’re not a psych major… so what are you

 

Anonymous Koala: I’m a human being?

 

Anonymous Lemur: bitch you know what i meant 

 

Anonymous Koala: I’m an English major

 

Yeah it definitely has to be that he’s exhausted and not thinking straight (ha). No other reason…

 

Anonymous Lemur: oh wait this actually makes all the sense in the world

 

Anonymous Koala: What’s that supposed to mean?!

 

Anonymous Lemur: NOTHING BAD

Anonymous Lemur: you just give intellectual vibes

 

Anonymous Koala: Why thank you?

Anonymous Koala: So what made you want to go pre-law?

Anonymous Koala: What made you willingly sign up for that many years of school?

 

Anonymous Lemur: well long story short my younger sister was adopted out of foster

Anonymous Lemur: she’s been in therapy for 3 years and she’s made so much progress but the system EXTREMELY fucked her up

Anonymous Lemur: i just hate that so many children have to deal with that especially at such a young age

 

Anonymous Koala: You know

 

Keith thinks long and hard about sending the next text, thumb quivering over the send button.

 

Anonymous Koala: I was in the system for about 7 years

 

Anonymous Lemur: holy fuck dude i’m so sorry i had no idea

 

Anonymous Koala: All good, there’s no way you could have known

 

Anonymous Lemur: we can stop talking about it now if you want

Anonymous Lemur: i really am sorry

 

Anonymous Koala: No I promise you’re all good

Anonymous Koala: I just mentioned it because I think what you want to do with your degree is really admirable

 

Anonymous Lemur: i appreciate!

Anonymous Lemur: so what do you want to do with english?

 

Anonymous Koala: Well it kinda ties back to what we were talking about before

Anonymous Koala: I’ve never been super good at connecting with people and i think books give us a huge range of human emotions and so many interpretations of the human condition

Anonymous Koala: I like reading because an author’s works are kinda like the puzzle pieces you need to figure them out

 

Anonymous Lemur: you would’ve done well as a psych major too

 

Anonymous Koala: Nah it feels too scientific

Anonymous Koala: Writing comes from the heart

 

Anonymous Lemur: are you a writer

 

Anonymous Koala: Occasionally

 

Anonymous Lemur: what do you write about

 

Anonymous Koala: Honestly, just my own thought process

Anonymous Koala: Gotta figure myself out too

 

Anonymous Lemur: yeah i feel that

Anonymous Lemur: my mom always says my confidence shows inner strength but sometimes i think it’s just a facade

Anonymous Lemur: like i’m convincing everyone INCLUDING MYSELF that i have the slightest inkling of what’s going on in my head

 

Anonymous Koala: My brother tells me the same thing

Anonymous Koala: Just not confidence, more just generally off putting vibes

 

Anonymous Lemur: i don’t think you’re off putting

 

Anonymous Koala: Well you’d be the first

 

Anonymous Lemur: i seriously doubt that

Anonymous Lemur: you mentioned you and your brother hanging out like ages ago

Anonymous Lemur: i doubt he finds you off putting

 

Anonymous Koala: 1) He absolutely does but I guess it’s in an endearing way??

Anonymous Koala: 2) How tf did you remember that, that was literally fall break

 

Anonymous Lemur: god forbid i actually listen and remember things about you

 

Anonymous Koala: That’s… strangely sweet

 

Anonymous Lemur: strangely?

 

Anonymous Koala: Rephrase: that’s sweet

 

Anonymous Lemur: I know!

 

Anonymous Koala: Shut up

 

Anonymous Lemur: glad to know some things never change

Anonymous Lemur: anyway,,, tell me about your brother!

 

Keith thinks long and hard before he responds. No one knows about Shiro. Why should Lemur?

Well, what the hell. It’s 10:30 PM and he’s tired. Maybe that’s why he tells Lemur everything. 

(Keith please stop blaming your lack of sleep. You simply have a crush on a boy).

 

~

 

Keith pulls himself to his full height, which admittedly isn’t much as he is eight years old.

He pulls on the collar of his black button up. It’s too tight around his neck. This room is too hot. He needs to get out.

“Keith, honey, I’m so sorry for your loss,” a faceless woman leans down, placing a hand on Keith’s shoulder.

The contact jerks him back to reality. He takes in the room with wide eyes.

It’s filled with adults he doesn’t know. At the front of the room there’s a long wooden box.

Dad.

Keith runs from the room.

The late September heat hits his face as he throws open the doors to the church. He closes his eyes, inhaling deeply. He exhales, squaring his shoulders. They don’t understand, they never will, and they don’t need to. 

Keith leaves his father’s funeral alone.

 

~

 

The window is open. The wind is almost loud enough to block the voices of the adults in the room. Almost.

Keith snaps back to reality when someone waves a hand in front of his face.

“Keith, did you hear me?”

He doesn’t respond.

“I said we’re going to take you home so you can gather your things. Then you’re gonna go to a house where a bunch of kids live. It’ll be like one big family!”

Keith rolls his eyes at the syrupy sweet tone the social worker is using. He doesn’t want a big family. He wants his dad.

 

~

 

The home is not like one big family. Unless families are always at each other’s throats. Keith learns how to fight within days of moving in. Turns out he’s really good at it too. Turns out being good at certain things can get you in a lot of trouble.

Somehow, the punishments weren’t even the worst part. The worst part was the unpredictability. Kids would disappear with families, and as soon as Keith had forgotten their faces and names, they would return. 

He disappears with families a few times. It never ends well.

Three years and a few months of jumping from house to house takes a toll on you. Especially when you’ve just turned 12.

When he returns from his fourth (?) home, he’s lost count at this point, there’s a new boy. If Keith had to guess, he’s right under 18. 

 

~

 

“Patience yields focus. Patience yields focus. Patience yields focus. Patience yields focus.”

Keith turns over in his bunk. The new boy is sitting on the window sill, leg dangling over the ledge, staring at the sky. Keith finds himself walking over.

“Why do you keep saying that?”

“Oh, I’m sorry. Did I wake you up?”

“No. I was awake already,” Keith lies.

The other boy’s shoulders relax a little.

“Hey. Answer my question,” Keith whispers as menacingly as he can, fists clenched in his pockets.

To his chagrin, the other boy laughs.

“I say it as a reminder.”

“A reminder?”

“Yeah. I’ll be out in 3 months. I just gotta hold out ‘til then.”

“Lucky bastard.”

“Ok little man, talking big,” the other boy smiles, “I’m Takashi Shirogane, but everyone calls me Shiro. What’s your name?”

“Keith.”

“Well it’s a pleasure to meet you Keith.”

Keith joins Shiro sitting on the window sill.

 

~

 

When Shiro ages out, Keith is nowhere to be found. Shiro leaves without saying goodbye.

Keith, from his place in a tree about a mile from the foster home, decides he will never let someone get close to him again.

The worst part is he knows it’s his own damn fault. He knew Shiro was about to age out, so why did he open up to him. Why did he let Shiro teach him a proper fighting stance? Why did he go with Shiro when he would sneak out at night? Why would he talk and laugh with him while sitting in this exact tree? Why would he let someone leave? What’s so wrong with him that someone would want to?

 

~

 

Keith is 15 and he’s held himself to the promise he made three years ago. He only speaks to people when he has to, and the only information they will learn about him is his name.

The person who knows him the best is probably the local librarian. Still, she only knows his name and the books he likes. Keith tells himself that’s enough. 

He spends all of his free time at the library, losing himself in the lives of others. He’s in this very library when he hears a familiar voice.

“Hello ma’am, I’m looking for Keith.”

“He’s probably over in the classics section. There or on the second floor by the big window.”

“Thank you.”

Keith jumps when a hand ruffles his hair.

Shiro.

“Hey buddy! How are you holding up?”

Keith punches Shiro in the face.

“You know I imagined this interaction going a multitude of different ways,” Shiro laughs, rubbing his jaw, “none of those scenarios included a bruised chin.”

“What makes you think you can just show up out of nowhere and expect it all to be the same?!” Keith whisper yells, earning a simultaneous “shhh” from a few library goers.

“I’m sorry, Keith. It wasn’t right and I know it.”

“You could’ve at least visited.”

“And gone back to the hell house? Pass.”

“At least you had the choice.”

“I know. It’s not fair to you.”

Keith closes his eyes, taking a deep breath. Patience yields focus.

“Why are you here Shiro?”

“You see, I’ve just turned 21,” Shiro shoots him a lopsided grin.

“And…”

“I was just at the hell house signing your adoption papers.”

“Why the fuck would you go back- oh.” 

The realization hits Keith like a train.

“So if it’s ok with you,” Shiro runs a hand through his hair nervously, “my car is outside if you wanted to come with.”

“Are you serious?”

“Yes,” Shiro raises his right hand in an oath, “we just have to go by the hell house one more time.”

Keith bristles.

“Don’t worry kid, it’s just for you to grab your things and sign the adoption papers.”

“I thought you already signed.”

“I did, but you have to consent to being adopted.”

“Oh well forgive me for not knowing,” Keith rolls his eyes, “also I’m not a kid.”

“Sure you’re not, kid. Ready to go?”

Keith follows Shiro out of the library.

The drive back to the foster home is incredibly awkward. The only thing preventing complete silence is Shiro’s Beetle fighting for its life against the mid March rain. 

 

~

 

Keith hears Shiro open the door.

“Keith!”

“What!”

“Come here. I have something for you!”

Keith’s curiosity compels him out of his bed and into the kitchen/ living space of their tiny apartment. Shiro is kicking off his shoes by the door, waving a white envelope in the air dramatically.

“What’s this?” Keith asks, snatching the letter from Shiro.

He flips it over, taking in the deep green University of Olkarion logo.

“Holy shit.”

“Dude open it,” Shiro is nearly vibrating in his seat as Keith rips the envelope open.

 

________________________________________________________________

Dear Keith Kogane, 

Congratulations on your acceptance to University of Olkarion! It is with the greatest joy that we welcome you to the UFO class of 2028. 

________________________________________________________________

 

Keith doesn’t finish reading the letter. 

“CONGRATS BUDDY,” Shiro yells, wrapping Keith into a tight hug. Keith struggles, it’s an obligation at this point, even though both he and Shiro know he doesn’t mind an occasional hug. 

“I’m going to college.”

“Hell yeah you are!!”

Keith lets the weight of it hit him. He’s going to college. A scrappy kid who grew up between homes is going to college. This is his chance at normalcy. He’s turning a new leaf which means he can never look back.

 

~

 

Anonymous Koala: So he’s my legal guardian, but he’s more like a brother to me

Anonymous Koala: Uhh that’s kinda it I guess

 

Anonymous Lemur: well i want to start by thanking you for sharing?

Anonymous Lemur: i know that’s cheesy, but i know you don’t open up for many people and i’m honored to be one of those people

Anonymous Lemur: i know that’s cheesy

 

Keith feels sick. Why did he say all of that? It could’ve been easily avoided. What is it about Lemur that makes him want to say anything and everything? Keith rolls over in his bed, trying to escape the discomfort currently filling his body. He feels like the same scared kid who just needed to get out. He’s suffocating. 

He takes a deep breath. 

 

Anonymous Lemur: hey i know we’ve been pretty committed to this whole anonymity thing

Anonymous Lemur: but i’ve been thinking

 

Anonymous Koala: Shocker

 

Anonymous Lemur: hey!

Anonymous Lemur: anyway. the canvas board is gonna close once finals end right

 

Anonymous Koala: Right…

 

Keith knows where this is going and he doesn’t like it in the slightest. He feels cramped, claustrophobic, his back is against a wall and he has nowhere to go.

 

Anonymous Lemur: could i maybe get your instagram?

 

Read December 5, 11:42 PM

 

Anonymous Lemur: is that a no?

 

Read December 5, 11:43 PM

 

Anonymous Lemur: message received

 

Read December 5, 11:44 PM

Notes:

Notes:

Y’all ever heard Drawing a Tattoo by Jake Minch?

Also happy pride??? (please don’t hate me i promise i will fix everything)

Chapter 6: I’ve Got a Dark Alley and a Bad Idea That Says You Should Shut Your Mouth

Summary:

Keith being an emo kid highlight reel

Just one chapter for this update. It's angsty, but it makes the resolution so much more satisfying!

Thank you guys so much for reading :)

Keith doesn’t say much to Shiro as they pack the Beetle with all the things Keith doesn’t want to leave in the dorm for a month. He’s very quiet on the drive home. Once everything is uploaded from the car, he tells Shiro he’s really tired and needs a nap, which he does, but it’s mostly to avoid Shiro’s questions.

Things haven’t been the same since the notifications from Lemur stopped. Keith feels like he’s lost something, and the worst part is he knows it’s his fault. Why couldn’t he have just given Lemur his Instagram? It’s not like Lemur had done anything to make Keith not trust him. 

He thought Lemur would’ve bounced back by now, said something stupid about finals week, and then everything would’ve been ok. Normal. But alas, it’s been over a week and a half and still, radio silence. 

Keith sighs deeply once he’s faceplanted onto his bed. Why can’t he shake this feeling? Lemur isn’t the first and most definitely will not be the last person Keith cares about but inevitably pushes away. 

But Keith hasn’t let his walls down the way he did for Lemur maybe ever. Not even with Shiro. No one has ever seen that much of him and that’s what scares him. Lemur knows too much. 

Sure, he knows too much about an anonymous classmate, but that’s why Keith couldn’t let Lemur know who he is. Then everything he said in their last conversation wouldn’t be a concept anymore. It would become solid information about a real life person. A person that Lemur could decide wasn’t worth his time. A person Lemur could leave behind.

It was for this reason Keith made that promise to himself when he was twelve, and he wasn’t going back on it now.

Push them away before they reject me.

Keith runs the entire semester over in his head, trying desperately to understand how and why he got himself into the position he’s now in. It all started with that damn discussion board. It had seemed innocent enough at the time though; just two people with similar beliefs posting anonymously. And then the DMs started. Again, just two people with similar beliefs texting anonymously. Until they realized their beliefs weren’t the only thing they had in common. 

Keith rolls over in his bed, curling up into a ball of discomfort as he recalls how easy it was to talk to Lemur. The anonymity certainly helped, but that doesn’t diminish the fact that Keith felt genuinely comfortable in Lemur’s presence. There was something about him that made Keith feel safe. Something that made him want to tear down some of his walls.

He still doesn’t know why either. How is it that one person was able to make him go against every single one of his instincts? He should’ve never responded to that original DM. That was the beginning of all of it. Or. He should’ve answered that last text. His name and some numbers. That easy.

But those few letters and numbers would have exposed him entirely. 

“Hey bud? You doing ok?” Shiro’s voice wafts from outside Keith’s door. 

Keith remains silent, hoping Shiro will think he’s asleep and leave. Eventually, he hears receding footsteps. 

Keith knows his heightened awareness of footsteps and the general sounds of a household comes from his self preservation tactics in the multiple foster homes he grew up in. He knows that’s one of the many reasons he struggles to trust people. He knows those preservation tactics bleed into the way he interacts with people even now. He knows that’s the core reason he ghosted.

Damn, I said I wouldn’t cry.

The instinct to pick up his phone overrides his knowledge that he won’t have a tell-tale Canvas notification. Hope really is a sick thing. 

He ends up scrolling through the Respond to Your Reading! discussion board, laughing occasionally at different posts. He screenshots his favorites (all of it), knowing the Canvas board is going to close in a matter of hours now that the semester is over. 

Reading chronologically, Keith notices how even the discussion board posts show the growing comfortability between himself and Lemur. They go from more academic voiced writing to casual and familiar. It’s baffling that Keith never met this guy in person.

A masochist at heart, Keith opens the private messages between himself and Lemur. Again, he screenshots his favorite moments, most notably the sort of kind of, no definitely, flirting. It brings a small smile to his face. 

In any other situation, Keith probably would’ve shut down the second he recognized it. Someone flirting means they probably want something more, and that something more is something Keith knows he’s be unable to give, no matter how much he wants to. So why didn’t he just ignore Lemur then? Not only that, he reciprocated. And it was so damn easy.

It really does boil down to the ease of anonymity. Or the inexplicable falling for a boy.

 

***

 

Keith eventually drags himself out of his room when hunger gets the best of him. Shiro is watching Law and Order, clearly texting someone. He looks up when Keith enters the room.

“Hey bud. Good nap?”

“It was fine,” Keith rolls his shoulders, knowing damn well he didn’t sleep a wink.

“I’m feeling pizza. You?”

“Pizza sounds good. Thanks.”

Keith plops down on the couch next to Shiro, unable to stop himself from obnoxiously leaning over to see who Shiro is texting.

“Who’s Adam?”

“Long story, but he’s the other third grade teacher at the school where I teach. We’ve been sorta talking for a month now.”

“Woah. I’m really not caught up,” Keith laughs in shock, “tell me everything.”

“Hold your horses bud, there's not much to say,” Shiro rolls his eyes at Keith.

“Uh. Yeah there is?? You haven’t talked to someone since…”

It’s an unspoken household rule that Shiro’s ex is never brought up. 

“Yeah, I know. That’s why I don’t want to call it anything yet. We really are just getting to know each other.”

“Mhm. Sureeee,” Keith pokes repeatedly at Shiro’s arm.

“On the topic, how's that anonymous guy?”

That shuts Keith up real quick. 

“Your silence is making me think it's not good.”

“Yeah. One could say.”

Shiro turns on the couch to fully face Keith, punching him lightly on the arm.

“Wanna talk about it?”

“Not really?”

“Ok, well you know you can talk to me whenever-”

“I know,” Keith gives Shiro a smile he can only hope is convincing.

“How about that pizza?”

“Please dear god.”

They turn back to the TV even though Keith can feel Shiro’s periodic side eye.

When the pizza arrives, the two dig in, falling into conversation about finals and the end of Shiro’s semester at the elementary school. Everything starts to feel a little bit more normal, but Keith still has the nagging feeling that he’s lost something he’ll never experience again.

“Hey Shiro?”

“What’s up,” Shiro says around a mouthful of pizza.

“You don’t have to answer this, but what made you give Adam a chance?”

“Honestly, I don’t know,” Shiro swallows, “he just makes me feel safe I guess. He understands me.”

“Gotcha.”

“Why do you ask?”

“I don’t know. I mean. Aren’t you scared you’ll get hurt again?”

“Yeah, I am. But he feels worth the risk.”

“How do you know though? How do you know it’s not just a feeling?”

Shiro smiles over at Keith trying to meet his eyes, but Keith’s eyes are focused somewhere above the TV. 

“That’s just it bud. It’s just a feeling. I could be totally wrong, and he could absolutely destroy me, but right now it feels like he won’t and that’s enough.”

“I don’t get how you can rely solely on that.”

“If it was anyone other than you, I’d think that was an insult.”

Keith rolls his eyes.

“Is this about Lemur?”

Keith knows his lack of response is the clearest of answers.

And then Shiro asks the fateful question: “what happened?”

Keith takes a deep breath.

“I kinda… ghosted him?”

Shiro doesn’t say anything, prompting him to continue.

“He asked if he could have my Instagram so we could keep talking after the Canvas course closed, and I just never responded. I can’t let him know who I am.”

“You know my next question: why?”

“He knows too much.”

“About you?”

“Yeah.”

“Is that so bad?”

“Yes!” Keith says, exasperated, throwing his hands up when Shiro gives him the “oh really?” look. “Yes?”

“It’s really that important to you that he doesn't know who you are? Aren’t you at least a little curious to know who he is?”

Keith laughs scornfully, “yeah of course I’m curious, but it doesn't matter that much. He’s just some rando in a class I took in my first semester of college. It’s really not that deep.”

Shiro gives him a small smile, “doesn’t sound like it’s not that deep. He also doesn't sound like ‘just some rando,’” Shiro airquotes, giving Keith a knowing look.

“Look,” Keith pointedly turns back to the TV. “It’s not like I’m gonna remember this 10 years down the line. I’ll probably forget about it by next semester. It’s not like he’s the first person who made me feel safe without trying,” Keith lies through his teeth, “it’s not like…” he trails off when he catches Shiro’s raised eyebrow.

“Whatever you say Keith.”

“Do you really think I should’ve told him who I am?”

“I do.”

“Why?!”

“Because he makes you feel safe.”

“But that’s just a feeling!” Keith nearly yells.

“Yeah. It is. But what else do we have to go off of?!” Shiro snaps back.

They fall silent, the horrified screams from someone getting murdered on screen fill the room.

“What if the feeling is wrong?” Keith asks, quieter.

“But what if it’s right?”

“Dude, you’re not helping.”

Shiro laughs, “I’m sorry I’m sorry, I just think you should trust your heart a little bit more.”

“Don’t go all ‘patience yields focus’ on me now. I can’t do anything about it anyway. The Canvas board closed,” Keith lies. Well, it’s not a complete lie. Technically the board could still be open; Keith hasn’t checked in about an hour. Technically if it was still open, he could text Lemur. Shiro doesn’t need to know that part. Yeah nevermind, it was a complete lie.

“Oh,” Shiro answers eventually.

“Yeah.”

“So you went into this whole thing, banking on it being a temporary thing?”

“‘Suppose that’s part of it.”

“And the other part?”

Keith pauses. It’s not like he had even planned for it to be a temporary thing. It wasn’t supposed to happen in the first place. All he wanted was to pass freshman sociology. Now he’s stuck with this mess. Rephrase: now he’s gotten himself stuck in this mess.

“Do you like him?”

Keith is jarred out of his thoughts.

“What?”

“I said: do you like him?” Shiro asks again, patient as ever.

Keith takes a second to think.

“No. Or. I don’t know. Would I feel like this if I didn’t?”

Shiro shrugs, “I really don’t know Keith. Maybe?”

“Wow! You really are so much help!”

Shiro shakes his head, laughing. “Keith, I can’t tell you what you’re feeling. That’s for you to figure out.”

“Does it really even matter,” Keith raises his voice, exasperated. “This whole thing is stupid right?! It’s just a stupid series of fucked up coincidences that got me here and I don’t even know who he is.”

“I don’t think it’s stupid Keith,” Shiro adds quietly.

“Well, that makes one of us,” Keith sighs, resigned. 

“It’s not stupid if it means something to you.”

“But it shouldn’t mean something to me.”

“But it does.”

“Yeah. And isn’t that the root of the fucking problem.”

Shiro doesn’t respond, knowing that whatever he says will not be helpful to Keith’s current explosion of emotions.

Keith takes a couple of deep breaths, regulating.

“How am I supposed to move on from this?”

“You’re gonna hate this, but I think time is the answer.”

“Time?”

“Yeah. If the Canvas board is closed there’s not really anything else you can do. Now it’s time to make peace with your decision. Let time heal.”

Keith remains quiet. The Canvas board could still be open. Keith leaves his phone where it is. 

 

***

 

Keith opens Canvas. Force of habit or something. All of the classes from the fall semester have closed. The end of an era.

 

***

 

A few days before Christmas, Shiro surprises Keith with tickets to a space museum and observatory a few towns over.

“How about a pre-Christmas excursion?”

Keith has to physically hold himself back from jumping for joy.

He fails at sitting still for the entire car ride.

By the time they arrive at Garrison Space Science Center & Observatory, Keith’s excitement has transferred to Shiro, both of them practically sprinting from the parking spot, skidding to a stop at the huge doors of the museum. They spend a few moments in silence appreciating the looming dome of the observatory.

Shiro opens one of the massive glass doors, the two entering the open space of the lobby. In the center is a replica of earth’s solar system, planets spinning in their orbits to represent a sped up version of the planets’ rotation around the sun. Keith reads on the plaque that one hour to this model is equal to one earth year. They watch as the model earth spins around completely, marking the passage of one “day.”

They make their way through a hallway that details the formation of the solar system as we know it. As they walk, they watch as the cloud of space particles combines into planets. They watch as gravity pulls space dust together, forming the flat disk of orbits that our planets exist on.

The hallway eventually lets out into a large room, filled to the brim with exhibits of nebulae, black holes, meteors, exoplanets, brown dwarfs, neuron stars, binary stars, telescopes, and more. Keith is practically bouncing on his feet trying to decide where to go first. He decides on the life size model of the cockpit of a NASA rocket ship. He drags Shiro over.

The two of them enter the small space, taking the two pilot seats. At the pull of a level in the middle of the dashboard, the ship begins its simulated take off procedure, instantly immersing the two into the sequence of leaving earth’s atmosphere.

“T minus 10, 9, 8,” a crackly voice starts before the sound of the booster rockets begin.

“7, 6. Go for main engine start.”

Keith looks over at Shiro.

“5, 4.”

Keith looks back at the window of the cockpit that is now showing the view of the sky, clouded by the smoke from the boosters. 

“3, 2, 1.”

The voice is now nearly impossible to hear over the roar of the rockets.

“Zero. And lift off.”

The cockpit shakes and rattles, a smile forming on Keith’s face. Through the window, he is able to see the clouds growing rapidly closer.

“Stand by for the throttle up call.”

“Go with throttle up.”

The seats shake again as the rocket booster separates from their pod. Keith nearly forgets they’re grounded on earth.

It’s shockingly quiet after the booster separation, a strange sense of peace filling their pod as they continue hurtling away from earth.

He watches through the window as the International Space Station grows closer and closer.

“Welcome Pilots to the International Space Station. Please exit your aircraft.”

“Hey bud, how are you feeling now that we’ve left earth,” Shiro turns to Keith with a smile.

“Like I never want to go back.”

 

The two eventually exit the model cockpit, blinking in the bright light of the sun shining through the museum’s glass ceiling. Keith takes a second to get his bearings before rushing to the nebulae exhibit with Shiro on his heels.

They spend hours interacting with the museum’s different features, learning about space anomalies, and attempting to wrap their heads around quantum physics. By the time the sun begins to set, Keith and Shiro have seen everything at least twice. 

“Ok what was your favorite part?” Shiro asks as the two walk through the long hall connecting the museum to the observatory.

“Probably the nebulae exhibit. I mean, some of them literally make stars. And the way they form?! Some are born from a big ass space explosion,” Keith mimes the explosion, throwing his arms wide. 

“Yeah it’s pretty cool,” Shiro laughs at Keith’s theatrics. “Me personally, I think the part about time dilation was the coolest.”

“That part kinda freaked me out.”

“Sure, but it’s so cool that time passes differently dependent on where you are, and it’s all based on perception. It’s like time exists in a dimension that we can’t see all of.”

“Like a pack of cigarettes,” Keith sagely replies. 

“What?”

“Like,” Keith struggles to find words to explain his metaphor, “ok imagine if we could only fathom two dimensions, like if we lived in a two dimensional world.”

“Ok…” Shiro tries to follow.

“Right so if we looked at a pack of cigarettes in two dimensions right. We’d only see it from one angle, yeah?”

“Right?”

“Exactly. So if you were looking at the top of the pack and I was looking at the side of it, we could be looking at the exact same pack of cigs, but we’d be seeing two different things. You’d see a squarish rectangle, and I’d see a much thinner rectangle.”

“Yes. This is logical,” Shiro nods, supporting Keith without understanding.

“That’s what time is like. We can only perceive linear time, so we’re looking at the pack of cigs in 2D.”

“But it exists in 3D, we just can’t understand 3D.”

“Bingo. We’re three dimensional beings, but time could exist in 4, 5, 6, even 20D.”

“I like this metaphor Keith. One question though. What brand of cigarettes are we talking about?”

“Does that matter?”

“Absolutely it does.”

Keith laughs, “Marlboro reds.”

“Cowboy killin’ it.”

 

When they enter the observatory, there’s a small room with a sign that reads Please close the door behind you before entering the observatory. 

Keith and Shiro close the door behind them, walking into a much larger room. Keith understands that the small room is to ensure that the large room stays pitch dark.

The ceilings and walls are covered in projections of the night sky, simulating the exact view one would see from the observatory at night. Illuminated by the glow of the stars are mats on the floor where guests can sit under the simulated sky. Keith and Shiro lie down on mats near the far wall. 

“You ever think about how small we are?” Keith asks the sky.

“Yeah. Kinda terrifying don’t you think?” Shiro answers quietly.

“I used to think that, yeah.”

“What do you think now?”

“I find it comforting. Like we’re just specks of dust floating on a rock hurtling through space,” Keith echoes Lance’s words from a drunk night under the stars.

“I don’t get how that’s comforting.”

“I don’t know. It’s like we’re small, and that means our problems are small, and that means we can handle them. And even if we don’t handle them, it’s not universe ending.”

“Perspective,” Shiro emphasizes.

“Perspective,” Keith agrees.

The two sit in silence for a while. 

“What made you change your mind?” Shiro eventually asks.

“What do you mean?”

“We used to stargaze. You know, at the home.”

Keith shivers involuntarily.

“We used to look up at the stars, and you would always talk about how you wanted to go to space. But you were ok with not being a space explorer because the idea that space never ends terrified you.”

Keith smiles, “yeah, I’ve been enlightened since then.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah. Lance said the vastness of space is comforting. I think it’s the first thing he’s said that I actually agreed with.”

“Huh. Lance showing you a new perspective. I would not have guessed that,” Shiro laughs.

Keith groans, “yeah me either.”

“You guys are doing better I take it?”

“Nah, we were both just very very drunk.”

“As your legal guardian, you shouldn’t be telling me this.”

“As my big brother, you’re the first to know,” Keith responds, kicking at Shiro’s legs.

They fall into a comfortable silence staring at the stars. Keith doesn’t know how long they’ve been there, but he doesn’t mind. 

For the first time in weeks, he feels at peace.

 

Eventually they drag themselves away from the simulated night sky to go look at the real night sky.

The main room of the observatory is mostly covered by the dome, a large telescope sitting in the center of the room. The brothers approach the telescope with reverence, Shiro gesturing for Keith to look through first.

He observes the planets, just bright lights to the naked eye, but in clearer definition through the light bending mirrors of the telescope. He spends the longest time looking at Jupiter. There’s something so majestic about the largest planet in our solar system; something so eerie about it being made of gas storms.

He keeps thinking about it as Shiro takes his turn with the telescope. 

After a while, they leave the observatory in silence, walking out into the freezing December air. 

Neither of them say anything until they are in the car, Shiro waiting a second before starting the Beetle to prolong the soothing silence.

“What are you thinking about?” Keith asks.

“I don’t know, just enjoying the quiet.”

“Me too.”

A few miles down the road, and Keith speaks up again.

“Thank you for this Shiro, I really needed it. I don’t think my Christmas gift for you even holds a candle.”

Shiro laughs, “it was kinda a gift to myself too you know.”

“Ok you selfish bastard,” Keith punches Shiro lightly.

“Yup! That’s me!” Shiro punches back.

Another pause.

“What are you thinking about?” Shiro stresses “you” with a prod to Keith’s cheek with a finger.

“Jupiter.”

“Oh yeah?”

“Yeah.”

“What about it?”

“It doesn’t have a core. Or maybe it does. We don’t know because we can’t get to it.”

“Kinda like you?” Shiro taunts gently.

“Ouch, but yeah.”

“You have a core Keith.”

“Right, but no one can get to it.”

“We’ll get to the core of Jupiter in time, we just don’t have the technology for it right now.”

“What if no one will ever the technology?” Keith asks, suddenly alarmed.

“Are you talking about yourself or Jupiter?”

“Both?”

Shiro smiles over at Keith, “right now people think we can’t reach the core of Jupiter, but does that stop astronauts and engineers from trying?”

“No I guess not,” Keith admits.

“See. There are people who are willing to try to reach the core. Yours I mean.”

“And what if I always push them away before they can get there?”

“One day we’ll have the technology to battle Jupiter’s climate and its storms. One day, someone will stick with you through yours.”

“You sound so sure.”

“I did it,” Shiro winks at Keith, “it can be done.”

“Lemur almost did it.”

Shiro falls silent next to him. Keith turns his focus to the white line at the edge of the road.

“Did you know that some people think the core of Jupiter is made out of diamonds?” Shiro asks quietly. 

Keith looks over at him skeptically, “that’s widely regarded as a far fetched theory.”

“I’m not one to discredit any possibilities until they are proven undeniably wrong. Besides, I like the theory. I think your core is diamonds.”

“That’s not how human anatomy works, Shiro.”

“Dude you’re an English major. You’re well versed in the art of metaphors. Roll with me on this one for a sec would ya?”

“Sure. I guess.”

“Your core is diamonds Keith. You, at your core, are valuable. You may come with storms, a nearly impenetrable surface, a heinous amount of gas,” Shiro cackles as Keith gives an offended gasp, “but you, inherently, are valuable. It truly is an honor to know you.”

Keith remains quiet, not knowing how to respond. 

“Know you as in KNOW you. Not just have knowledge of your existence.”

Keith looks back at the road.

“You don’t believe me,” Shiro chides. 

“Maybe one day I will.”

“Sounds good to me.”

Keith keeps his eyes on the road.

“The stars are gorgeous tonight huh?” Shiro changes the subject.

“Yeah. They are.”

Keith gazes up, enjoying the night sky, and thinking about cores of diamonds. His mind wanders back to a night, nearly two months ago, when he and Lance lay in the grass looking up at the same sky, just different constellations. He thinks about the way they stumbled up the stairs when it finally got too cold to stay outside in the early November air. He thinks about the way they shoved each other trying to get to the bathroom first. He thinks about letting Lance win so he could text Lemur. 

There had been something different between them that night. Something that Lemur had shaken off by the morning. Something that Keith had been too afraid to ask about. It was like the words had been right on the tip of Lemur’s tongue, or, on the tips of his fingers. Keith had been so sure Lemur was going to confess his feelings for Keith that night. Maybe it was just wishful thinking on Keith’s part, but if gut feelings hold as much value as Shiro said…

Keith opens his phone, peeling through the screenshots of their conversations, looking for something. He just needed one clue. One thing that told him who Lemur was… is. 

Belatedly, Keith realizes he’s just agonizing himself because even if he did figure out who Lemur was, he knows he wouldn’t reach out to him. How do you even begin that conversation anyway? “Hey I’m that anonymous guy you talked to for a whole semester. You know. The one that ghosted you?” Yeah no. Not going to happen. 

He thinks back to Jupiter’s impenetrable layers; the reason why the makeup of Jupiter’s core is only theory. He thinks about the walls he has up. He thinks about the claustrophobic feeling he got the second he realized he had shared too much. He relives the way it overtook him; the wave of anxiety that capsized him, drowning any remnants of the want to stay. 

Keith puts his phone down, eyes returning to the night sky. He needs to make peace with this situation. There’s no reason to keep dwelling on it now that there’s nothing he can do to change it.

 

***

__________________________________________________________

Dear Students, 

 

I am excited to welcome you to my spring of 2025 Creative Writing class! You are receiving this email since you are enrolled in the course, but there is no requirement to respond to (or even read) this email until the beginning of the semester. If you, for some odd reason, are obsessively checking your school email over Christmas break, here’s some information about the course.

We will cover the basic conventions of writing, walking through and practicing writing in different styles. Most of our semester assignments will be in the form of weekly journal entries in the style we are covering that week. These assignments will count for 60% of your grade. The other 40% will be your final project that stands in place of a final exam for this class. This is a self-paced project, but I highly recommend you to not wait until the last minute to complete this assignment. Of course, that is up to you. Your promptness (or lack thereof) will affect you and you alone. 

The project itself will be on a topic of your choosing. I only ask that you choose something that is meaningful to you. This is partially because I like to know my students personally (English majors especially since I will be working with you through your four years at UFO), but mostly because I want you to have fun with this project. Your assignment is to write in any style of your choosing and on any topic you wish. A more detailed description of the requirements is attached in PDF form below. 

Please email me if you have any questions. Again, you are not obligated to respond to this email until the semester begins, but please start thinking about your project topics as you are required to submit a topic proposal by the end of the first week of classes.

I look forward to working with you all this semester!

 

Dr. Samuel Holt

Professor of English. Chair, Department of English. University of Olkarion.

[email protected]

“The only way to make sense out of change is to plunge into it, move with it, and join the dance.” -Alan Wilson Watts

 

________________________________________________________________

 

Good afternoon Dr. Holt,

 

I hope you’re having a lovely winter break!

My proposal for my Creative Writing project this coming spring is a series of poems detailing humans’ relationship with, well, relationships. It is a known fact that we are social creatures, but we also have an underlying fear of being rejected, or not being loved in the way we want/ need to be loved. We all crave connection, but are we really willing to do what it takes to achieve connections with other people? How many of our “connections” are superficial without us knowing it? How many of our relationships are much more shallow than we want to admit? 

I will be using myself and my own relationships as the primary source for commentary through this project. I’ve been told that I am more closed off than some, and I’m aware it’s something I need to work on as it has hurt the people I care for. I guess this project will be a way for me to unpack some of those emotions. If nothing else, I’ll have to share some very personal things with you through this project, so in the very least I’ll have taken one step closer to the goal of opening up. 

Sincerely, 

Keith Kogane

December 28, 2024

 

________________________________________________________________

 

Hi Keith,

 

This is a very thought out, and very vulnerable project. I’m proud of you for taking such a risk. I look forward to reading what you come up with!

 

Dr. Samuel Holt

Professor of English. Chair, Department of English. University of Olkarion.

[email protected]

“The only way to make sense out of change is to plunge into it, move with it, and join the dance.” -Alan Wilson Watts

Notes:

Soooo how many references to lines in the show have we found so far?!?!

Also: thoughts on Jupiter’s core???

(Sorry I’m trying to offset the pain of this chapter so y’all don’t hate me eternally. I promise everything turns out ok- I mean it. The quote in Sam’s email signature was chosen for a reason!)

Chapter 7: 7 Minutes in Heaven

Summary:

Remember when they swore they wouldn't drink for the rest of the fall semester?

Good news is they kept that promise, bad news is they're drunk again.

Wait but good news again! Bonding moment.

Keith reluctantly drags his duffle bag up the five flights of stairs to his dorm. Time to gear up for another semester with Lance. However, when he enters their (tragically) shared room, he’s surprised to find it dark and empty. The only thing that proves Lance didn’t drop out are the glow in the dark stars on the ceiling above his bed.

 

Acxa: hey you’re not gonna be totally lame and not go to the FDOC party tonight right?!

 

Keith: Dude I didn’t even know there was a party tonight

 

Acxa: booooo that’s not an excuse

Acxa: i’ll be at yours in 20

 

Keith sighs, mentally bidding farewell to his evening nap. 

 

Acxa: you better be wearing something fit for a party when i get there

 

Keith rolls his eyes, digging through his closet for something Acxa will approve of. 

 

20 minutes later he still has on black ripped jeans (because what else would he be wearing), but has switched his usual band t-shirt for a black sleeveless crop top (yes he just took scissors to a plain black t-shirt and what of it) and put in all the earrings he could. He’s running his fingerless glove clad hands through his hair in front of the mirror when Acxa throws his door open.

“Hell yeah slutty Keith!!!”

“Are you already drunk?”

“...No…”

“You totally are.”

Acxa pulls something out of her bag, smiling mischievously at Keith. 

“And here’s the final touch.”

“Acxa what the fuck is that.”

“Body glitter!”

The next five minutes consist of Keith unsuccessfully running from Acxa and Acxa successfully applying a surplus amount of glitter to Keith. 

“I look like Edward Cullen.”

“Good. Maybe now you’ll get laid.”

“Remind me why we’re friends again?”

Acxa giggles in a totally not drunk way, “because you loooveeee meeeee.”

Keith sighs, “I tolerate you.”

“Awwwww Keithhhhhh,” Acxa grabs his arm dragging him out of his dorm. He doesn’t even have time to turn the lights off.

 

***

 

Keith regrets every single one of his life choices that led him to this party. This has to be bad karma for something right?! He’s had his fair share of fuck ups in his life, but genuinely what could be bad enough to earn this level of torture?

By habit, he opens Canvas to check for a text from Anonymous Lemur before remembering that the Canvas course shut down long ago. Also he effectively ghosted his anonymous friend. No biggie. It’s not like he’s been flipping out over this exact fact for the past 3 weeks.

“So Keith. Why do you have Canvas open at a party?”

Keith looks to his right, and then down.

“Oh- Pidge!”

“You know. You must be really dedicated to school to be on Canvas before classes even start,” Pidge smirks like they know too much. 

“Force of habit.”

“Sureeee. Anyway, look how bright green this drink is. Surely it’s poison right?!” Pidge taunts, shaking the drink in Keith’s direction. 

“Gimme that.”

The drinking ensues. 

Keith is not one to back down from a challenge even though he knows that Pidge can somehow hold their liquor better than anyone at the party. Acxa joins their little competition at some point, but honestly Keith can’t remember when. 

He’s had enough to drink to forget about anonymous friends and their consequences, laughing as Acxa spins him, and enjoying the way the room keeps spinning once he’s stationary. He knows he shouldn’t be drinking like this the day before classes start, but he can’t be bothered to care as another mini solo cup of neon green liquid is shoved into his hand. 

“Another!”

“Pidge, you're insane. I actually might die tonight on this gross ass floor.”

Pidge goads him into another shot.

 

Too many shots later, and Keith is feeling it. He’s dizzy on his feet, alcohol swishing uncomfortably in his stomach. He remembers belatedly that he probably should’ve eaten more.

“I hate to be the voice of reason. Always, but you guys should probably chill out.”

“HUNK,” Pidge yells over the music.

“Hello my very inebriated friends!”

Pidge laughs and grabs Hunk’s arm, dragging him toward the dance floor. They look back at Keith, silently daring him to not join. He follows reluctantly. 

 

After about three songs, the room is spinning to an intolerable degree, and he needs to pee. Someone points him toward the back corner where the bathrooms are, and he stumbles his way through the mass of bodies dancing to the beat of a song he can only feel the vibrations of in the floor. He finally pushes his way past the last couple swapping spit, pulling clumsily at the bathroom door. 

Great. Now the bathroom door wont open.

“Hm. So it’s true. The only thing you can pull is a push door.”

He would know that voice anywhere.

“Lance.”

“The name’s Lance and the Lance is right here!”

Keith brushes past him. He pushes the door this time, thank you very much.

“What? No greeting for your precious roommate whose presence you haven’t been graced with in a whole month?”

“I don’t have time for this Lance.”

He watches with sick satisfaction as Lance’s smile drops, making a special effort to slam the door as loudly as he can in Lance’s face.

 

The next hour or so is spent in the middle of the mob of drunk college students, his movements becoming blurred with the people near him. Acxa is there spinning him in dizzy circles. Someone grabs his hips, moving him to the rhythm. He pulls away. The lights are a kaleidoscope as Keith laughs at the ceiling for no particular reason. 

Damn. He really is VERY drunk. 

There’s a flash of blue that Keith turns to on instinct and then it’s gone.

The music gets quieter and quieter and Keith doesn’t know if it’s the DJ winding down for the night or if it’s him slowly regaining a semblance of sobriety.

Keith continues to move with the swarm of definitely not sober people around him. His stomach is swirling and it's nauseating, but somehow it feels great. Letting go is a beautiful thing. 

There’s another flash of blue and suddenly there’s Lance. He’s laughing as he dances with Hunk and Pidge. 

Keith is grounded. Stuck in place. Like he and Lance are the only clear figures in the sea of sweaty bodies. Lance turns to look at him. Shoots him a sultry smirk. Keith loses himself in the rhythm again. 

He’s jolted back to reality when someone bumps into him.

“Sorry man.”

Keith turns to see that it was Hunk who bumped into him.

“All good dude.”

Hunk moves away, and all Keith can see is Lance spinning haphazardly in all his drunken glory. Keith is mesmerized by the movement. He may have stayed staring stupidly at Lance for the rest of the night had he not been rudely stabbed in the side by Pidge.

“Never thought you’d actually have a thing for Lance.”

It takes Keith way too long to process what they just said.

“Your silence is telling my friend.”

“No. I uh-”

“He’s never been the most eloquent,” another voice adds.

Keith turns to see that Acxa has materialized by his side. 

“There is no way in hell I’d fall for Lance.”

“Sure Keith,” Acxa punches him lightly, “tell yourself what you need to so you can sleep at night.”

“Denial is a river in Egypt,” Pidge smiles knowingly.

“You guys are crazy.”

“Sure we are Keith,” Acxa laughs.

She pulls him back into the rhythm, the flashing lights burning their way to the back of his eye sockets, and Keith lets go.

He doesn’t know where his movements end and where everyone else’s start. At this point, the crowd is one amorphous blob, swaying Keith to the beat of the bass. He’s dimly aware of Hunk, Pidge, and Acxa dancing near him. He’s very aware of Lance, the way his body moves, his closeness to Keith. Lance moves in front of him, laughing madly, head tilted to the sky, hips moving to the beat.

The dizziness is overwhelming and Keith steadies himself with hands on Lance’s shoulders.

Hands are on his hips and this time he doesn’t pull away.

Nothing feels concrete except the roll of Lance’s body against his own. He pulls Lance closer.

Wait what the fuck?! A sudden wave of sobriety hits Keith like a tsunami, drowning him completely. He realizes how close he is to Lance. He feels a blush rise to his cheeks, hoping the darkness of the room is enough to hide behind. He simply cannot be caught blushing over Lance McClain. 

The roar of the bass gets louder and louder. There are too many people, too many sounds, too much sweat. He needs to get out. He pulls away from Lance roughly.

He pushes his way (rather aggressively) through the throng of dancing people spilling many drinks and stepping on many feet as he goes. 

He finally makes it to the (much) cooler air near the door, at the edge of the crowd. The music is still too loud, and he’s becoming progressively more aware of the way his shirt is sticking to him. Also the god awful body glitter that eight showers won’t be able to get rid of. 

He watches Lance’s rather awful dance off with Hunk and Pidge from afar. He looks around for Acxa, but can’t find her in the crowd. 

Yeah. He definitely drank too much.

Maybe it’s time to head out. Acxa won’t be mad. He finally spots her in the crowd, dancing with a girl with two long braids. From the way they’re moving, it looks like it’ll be a go-home-with-her situation. 

Keith’s back hits the cold wall and he slides down it, curling up in a ball, content to watch the party from there. 

 

He doesn’t know how long he’s been zoned out when he’s jarred back to attention by a familiar voice.

“Oh my god, Keith it’s you. Sweet. Whatcha up to?” 

He looks up to see a relatively sober Hunk, supporting the weight of a very drunk Lance and an equally drunk Pidge. Maybe Pidge can’t hold their liquor that well. It’s clear that Lance definitely can’t. 

Keith laughs, gesturing at Pidge. “So the liquor finally caught up with them huh?”

“Yeah Pidge doesn’t understand the limit of their very small body,” Hunk grimaces, helping Pidge sit down next to Keith, and draping his jacket over them.

“I can see that.”

“Shuttttt upppppp,” the lump under Hunk’s jacket drawls. Thank you for your contribution Pidge. 

Keith contemplates the sheer amount they drank during their drinking game, attempting to do the math of how much they actually drank. They must’ve had more after Keith left for the bathroom too. Eh. Leave the math to Pidge. Tomorrow. If they remember anything. They definitely won’t. 

Hunk shifts Lance’s dead weight to his other arm, attempting to keep him upright as he crumples to the floor. 

“Hey I hate to ask you this, but could you take care of Lance?” Hunk grimaces, “I gotta get Pidge home and I can’t watch both of them.” 

Keith looks back and forth between the dipsomania duo. 

Lance is now curled in the fetal position on the floor, and Keith is filled with a strange feeling of… warmth? Care? One might venture to say… affection? He shakes his head to clear it.

“Oh is that a no? My bad.” Hunk says, looking over at the crumpled lump of a human that is Lance. 

“Yes! I mean. No. Sorry. Yeah I’ll get him back to the room. Just gimme a second.”

“No, take your time, I don’t think Lance will be able to move for a hot minute anyway. I barely got him over here.”

Keith laughs in response, looking back to Lance. There’s a lot going on in his head concerning Lance. This is a new development. He’ll blame the alcohol.

Hunk sits next to Keith, gently pulling Lance towards them and out of harm's way.

“He never drinks like this.”

Keith nods.

“Like I’ve never seen him this knocked out.”

Keith belatedly recognizes the concern in Hunk’s voice.

“He’ll be ok, big man.”

“No, I know. It’s just hard seeing him like this.”

“Passed out on the floor?” Keith drags his eyes away from Lance’s dilapidated form back to Hunk. 

“No. I mean yes. I mean he’s been having a hard time recently, and it sucks to see him lose it like this.”

“Hunk, you’ve known him way longer than I have, so I don’t need to tell you this but if Lance is anything, he’s resilient. He’ll be ok.”

“I know he will be. Alcohol wise. I’m just worried about him. You know. Emotionally.”

“Did something happen?”

“I’m not sure if that’s my story to tell,” Hunk leans his head back against the wall, “but it’s been a while since he’s been this quiet.”

“He’s drunk?”

“No, I don’t mean that. He’s just been. I don’t know. Not his usual bubbly self in a while.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah.”

Hunk clearly decides he shouldn’t say more, turning away from Keith back to the crowd. Keith turns back to Lance.

 

After a little while, Hunk stands up brushing off his pants.

“Well. I better get Pidge home. I can come back for Lance if you need.”

“Nah it’s all good. I’ll get him back to the dorm.”

“Thanks a million dude. I owe you.”

“Don’t mention it.”

“Get him some water. He’ll need it.”

“Sure thing.”

Keith turns to Lance who seems to want anything but being moved from his spot on the floor. Maybe he’ll just sit here for a while longer. He watches as Hunk picks Pidge up with ease.

“Thanks again man.”

“Yeah, no problem.”

He’s not heartless after all. He knows how awful it is to be alone while wasted, and while Lance is probably his worst enemy, he wouldn’t wish it on even someone as insufferable as Lance.

He watches as Hunk unceremoniously carries Pidge from the room. He looks back down at Lance. His stomach is swirling again, and this time he’s sure it’s not from the alcohol.

 

***

 

Keith is feeling much better. Lance clearly is not. Keith almost pities him. He brushes Lance’s hair off his forehead, cringing at the amount of sweat piled there. Lance’s eyebrows are crinkled together in an uncomfortable expression, relaxing instantly when Keith subconsciously begins rubbing circles between his shoulder blades. Keith finds a knot in the joint between Lance’s neck and shoulder, rubbing harder to remove it. Lance’s hand finds Keith’s.

“What the cheese?”

Keith jerks his hand out of Lance’s as he finally pulls himself from his drunken stupor.

“Hey.”

“Oh ewww. Why did the first person I had to see after waking up from an alcohol induced coma have to be you.”

“Hm. Sounds like you’re sober enough to walk. Let’s roll,” Keith stands, awkwardly offering a hand to Lance, who reluctantly takes it, nearly dragging Keith back to the floor in his effort to get up. 

The walk back to the dorm takes about… way too long. Lance is tripping over his feet, yelling obscenities into the night air, and worst of all, using Keith as his personal crutch. They have to stop at least four times because Lance claims he’ll barf if he takes another step. When they arrive at the bottom of the stairs, Keith realizes the true curse of living on the fifth floor. 

“Carryyyy meeeeee.”

“No way in hell.” 

Lance looks up at him with puppy eyes, “please?”

Keith carries Lance up all five flights of stairs.

They stop many times when Lance declares (loudly) that he can walk up the stairs better than Keith. Each time ends with Lance walking up about three stairs before collapsing on Keith’s shoulder again.

When they finally make it to the dorm, Keith opens the door with some difficulty ONLY because he has a drunk roommate fighting him to open the door first. He finally swats Lance’s hands away, mentally thanking his past self for leaving the lights on as they stumble into their room. 

Lance suddenly regains control of his legs, walking, no, running to the bathroom to finally throw up. Keith smiles to himself at the stupidity of his roommate before filling a glass of water and following Lance into the bathroom.

“Ughhhh what did they put in that drink man,” Lance slurs from his spot slumped over the toilet.

“Probably 95% unholy liquor combo and 5% poison.”

“Yeah it feels like it-” Lance stutters before leaning over the toilet again.

Keith joins Lance on the floor (at a respectable distance) placing the glass of water out of the blast radius. They sit there for a while until Lance is no longer toilet hugging. 

“God why did I drink that much,” Lance laughs weakly as he leans against the bathroom wall next to Keith.

“You tell me dude.”

“Yeah I’ll tell you,” Lance sighs, closing his eyes. “You see. I had this friend last semester,” he takes a drink of the water Keith hands to him, “God that’s cold. Anyway. I had this friend last semester.” He stops.

Keith decides it’s a good idea to keep Lance talking. At least until he drinks more water.

“Ok. Tell me about this friend,” he asks cautiously.

“Yeah. Right. So this friend. Or maybe we were something else. I don’t know. It kinda felt like something else. Doesn't matter. It was only last semester. I’m not really sure what happened.” Lance pauses again to drink more water.

“We never even met in person dude, but I felt so seen and…” Lance trails off, “it’s stupid.”

“It’s not stupid if it meant something to you,” Keith adds quietly, “someone wise once told me that feelings are all we have to go off of.”

“This is literally the nicest you’ve ever been to me.”

“I won’t make a habit of it.”

“No it's-” Lance hiccups, “nice.”

Keith doesn't know how to respond. Thankfully, Lance seems to have opened a can of worms.

“We texted a lot and it’s dumb, but we got to know each other really well and I’ve never really had a connection like that before. With anyone.”

“I never really pegged you as someone who cared about that stuff.”

“What? Connecting with someone? Isn’t that what we all want? You know. Just to be seen and known?”

Keith suddenly remembers a certain text.

“Uh. Yeah I guess.”

“But then we stopped talking. Around finals week,” Lance sits up, “December 5th to be exact.” 

Keith knows that date. Very well in fact. Oh fuck. 

“Damn you know the exact day?” he tries to lighten the mood.

“Yeah of course I do. I lost someone that means a lot to me that day.” 

Keith doesn’t miss the use of the present tense.

“And I don’t even know why,” Lance continues, slumping against the bathroom wall next to Keith. “We were good, like so good, and then suddenly we weren’t. He just left. No explanation, no nothing.”

“I’m sorry dude, I don’t really know what to say.” Fuck his lack of emotional expression.

“Yeah. I just wish I knew why he dropped off the face of the planet,” Lance sighs, dropping his forehead on Keith’s shoulder.

Keith freezes for a second before purposefully relaxing his shoulder so Lance can’t feel his apprehension. Or maybe it’s something else. He raises a tentative hand to Lance’s shoulder.

“We were getting along so well too,” Lance repeats, burying his face further into the cradle of Keith’s shoulder, his hair brushing Keith’s chin. “He wasn’t really the type to open up quickly, but he eventually did and it was so cool. You know. Having someone trust me like that,” Lance sinks further on to Keith’s chest. Keith focuses on pacing his breathing. 

“And I get it takes some time, but man we had all semester. I would’ve given him all the time he needed. All the semesters. Anything.”

Keith is really struggling to regulate his breathing, especially with the knowledge that Lance can feel every hiccup. He had no idea Anonymous Koala- let's be honest now- he didn’t know HE meant that much to Lance. It’s suffocating to hear everything he tried to convince himself was his imagination spill from Lance’s drunk disclosure. Lance felt that connection too. He was willing to be there for Keith. He was willing to wait for him. He was willing to play the long game just for the reward of knowing Keith. Being known by Keith. And Keith threw all of it away. And for what?

“Maybe he was scared.” Must be the alcohol talking. Or maybe it’s just the plain and simple fact that something he doesn’t even understand has, and probably always will, pull him to Lance. 

“Scared?” Lance looks up at Keith, confused, from his place on Keith’s chest. His face is covered in glitter, and Keith decides it suits him.

“Yeah. I mean you said he was relatively closed off right?”

“Yeah,” Lance laughs, taking a deep breath. “Really closed. Walls up. So many walls,” Lance smiles gently against Keith’s neck.

Keith can tell from the cognizance of the conversation that Lance has escaped alcohol poisoning's treacherous grasp. He looks down at the boy half asleep in his lap. The boy who eternally annoys him, but also intensely intrigues him. The boy for whom he unknowingly fell. The glitter covered boy who is probably the only person Keith doesn’t mind taking care of while drunk. The boy for whom he is now having a difficult time rationalizing his refusal to respond to. The boy who would wait for him. The boy who can never know about Anonymous Koala being Keith.

“Hey, you're half asleep. Let’s get you to bed ok?”

“Mmm,” Lance confirms, making no move toward his bed.

Keith sighs fondly in Lance’s direction, gently maneuvering him into his arms. Cradling Lance the way he never thought he would, Keith carries Lance to his bed, tossing a blanket over him. There’s no way Lance was making it into his lofted bed that night, as Keith resolves to sleep on the floor.

“We make a great team,” Lance laughs softly, nestling under the blanket, face buried deep into Keith’s pillow. There’s glitter all over his pillow case now, and Keith can’t bring himself to care.

“Sure we do buddy. I did all the work,” Keith smiles, moving the blanket away from Lance’s face. For once he doesn’t want to wake up to a suffocated roommate.

“Hey Keith?”

“Hey Lance.”

“I actually don’t hate you right now.”

Keith smiles at Lance, shaking his head before crossing the room to turn off the lights. He misses the faint blush on Lance’s cheeks. He misses the way Lance watches him walk away, almost pleading for him to stay by his side. 

Once he’s curled up on the floor, he stares at Lance’s glow in the dark stars wondering how he got himself into this predicament. Lance is Lemur. Lemur is Lance. Good god. It wasn’t so long ago that he accepted he had a crush on Lemur, but now knowing that he has a crush on Lance? Harder pill to swallow.

Keith runs over the fall semester in his head yet again. There truly was no way he could've known, but it feels like he should’ve. It’s so obvious in hindsight. Or is it? His relationship with Lance virtually was astronomically different from their relationship in person. Maybe if he had gotten to know Lance better in person he would’ve figured everything out sooner. 

Even now, what can Keith do? The whole reason he ghosted in the first place was because Lemur, no, Lance knew too much. If Lance ever figured it out then Keith would be outed on two fronts. Considering how torn up Lance was over Koala’s ghost protocol, that would NOT end well. 

He knows everything will go back to the way it was tomorrow. He’ll wake up to Lance making a comment about his bedhead and another day of bickering will begin. Lance most likely won’t remember anything about drunk conversations and bonding moments on bathroom floors, but Keith almost hopes he remembers. 

 

Almost.

Notes:

Non Fall Out Boy song for this chapter is “Takes some Time” by The Brummies.

I super hope you enjoyed the re-contextualized bonding moment. The real question is will Lance remember it…

Chapter 8: [Freshman] Slump or Comeback of the Year

Summary:

Lance doesn't remember the bonding moment... or does he.

Pidge, Hunk, and Acxa bet money on when their new favorite ship, "Klance," will get together.

Keith and Lance think never.

Spoilers: they're wrong.

Keith rolls over, feeling every single vertebra of his spine snap. Ah. The price you pay for sleeping on the floor. He looks up at Lance, the reason why he’s sleeping on the floor, to see him starfished over Keith’s bed, leg hanging off the mattress. Keith laughs and shakes his head, stumbling into the bathroom to attempt to wash the remaining glitter off his body.

When he emerges from the shower, Lance is still passed out in his bed. Once Keith is dressed and ready for his first class, he shakes Lance awake.

“Get off me,” Lance mumbles, burying his face into his arm.

“Lance, you gotta get up.”

“Don’t wanna.”

“You have class.”

“Class? OH FUCK.”

Lance sits bolt upright in (Keith’s) bed.

“Keith? What- where…”

“You were very drunk, I didn’t want to leave you on the bathroom floor, I put you in my bed because there was no way you were climbing into your lofted bed.”

Lance runs a hand through his hair, clearly trying to remember the events of the previous night. 

“Ok,” Keith tries, “tell me what you can from last night.”

“Uh… Well I remember shots with Pidge, and then dancing, and then,” Lance pauses, “uh….”

“Do you remember walking back here?”

“No,” Lance admits sheepishly.

“Ok so you don’t remember me practically carrying you up the stairs?”

“Holy fuck that’s so embarrassing.”

“Yeah, a little.”

“Wait, how do I know you’re not lying to me?!”

“I’m not a monster Lance.”

“I’m only giving you the benefit of the doubt because you took the floor last night and I guess I appreciate that.”

“Ew.”

“Yeah you’re right what the fuck. Being nice to you leaves a bad taste in my mouth.”

“I’m so happy we agree,” Keith deadpans, “ok but seriously is that all you remember??”

“I remember being in the bathroom.” A flush creeps up Lance’s neck and Keith does his darndest to ignore it.

“Yeah you threw up a lot.”

“Great. Awesome.”

“And then I had to fucking carry you to bed.”

“Ok so I definitely don’t remember that part and I definitely don’t believe you.”

“What. You think you walked to bed in your state of drunkenness?”

“Yes.”

Keith raises a skeptical eyebrow.

“The way I see it is I don’t remember it, therefore it didn’t happen.”

“Classic Lance. Forgetting a bonding moment when all he wants is connection.”

“Woah low blow. Also how do you even know that.”

“You told me last night.”

Lance glances away quickly, and Keith decides not to push the subject.

“Nope, don't remember it. Didn’t happen.”

“Whatever you say, Lance. Anyway. About that class you have that starts in 15 minutes…”

Lance springs out of bed like a cartoon character, kicking up dust in his wake. Keith chuckles as he watches Lance debate and then finally decide to skip his morning routine. Something makes him stand in the door waiting for Lance as he sloppily ties his shoes. 

“Hey don’t you have class like. Very soon too?”

“Yeah, but it’s in the humanities building which is like two feet away.”

“Wait, my class is in the humanities building too!” Lance laughs as he locks the door to their room. “Want to walk together or do you want to awkwardly walk on opposite sides of the sidewalk.”

“Opposite sides of the sidewalk definitely.”

The two of them walk side by side to their classes, only waving goodbye to each other as Keith exits the elevator on the third floor. He can’t stop himself from turning back to watch the elevator door close, carrying Lance to the fourth floor.

Maybe this semester won’t be so bad after all.

 

***

 

Keith: I was trying to leave you alone but there’s no way you’re still at that girls place I KNOW you had classes today

 

Acxa: bold of you to assume i wouldn’t skip class for a beautiful, gorgeous, and extremely sexy (non-derogatory) woman

 

Keith: I know how much you care about your grades you nerd

Keith: You had perfect attendance last semester

 

Acxa: ok fine you caught me

Acxa: what’s up

 

Keith: Could I interest you in the information I learned last night about Anonymous Lemur

 

Acxa: HOLY SHIT

Acxa: yeah i’m so there

Acxa: like i’m actually outside your dorm

 

Keith: Wait like fr?

 

Acxa: no but i’m literally racing over rn 

 

Keith: Heard. See you in a sec

 

The second Keith makes it out of his dorm, Acxa is in his personal space begging to know about what he learned. The January air is frigid, but neither of them seem to care as they begin their lap around the main lawn. 

“Ok so a little recap,” Keith begins.

“We were all dancing right, and I went to sit down bc lord I drank too much. Then Hunk came over with Pidge and Lance who were somehow drunker than I was. And then Hunk was all like ‘hey can you take care of Lance, I gotta get Pidge back safely.’ And I’m not an asshole- HEY!”

Keith rolls his eyes at the “you’re totally an asshole” look Acxa gives him before continuing his tale.

“Anyway I ended up drunk carrying Lance all the way up the FIVE FUCKING FLIGHTS to our dorm where he promptly raced to the bathroom to begin projectile vomiting.”

“Oh my god. That’s rough buddy.”

“Yeah. Tell me about it. Anyway. Then he curls up with his head on my shoulder??”

“Omg Keith you’re blushing?!” Acxa is practically bouncing up and down.

“No I’m not, it's just cold out here.”

“Sure sure.”

“Are you gonna let me finish this story or not.”

“Sorry, yes. Proceed.”

“Ok so he’s like in my lap and he starts talking about this person he was really close with last semester and then they suddenly stopped talking.”

“Holy shit.”

“And then he was like yeah he ghosted me on December 5th blah blah blah.”

“Holy fuck.”

“And then I carried him to my bed and slept on the floor.”

“Holy shit fuck.”

Keith looks back at Acxa who has stopped walking, her jaw practically on the ground.

“Wait wait wait-” she begins, waving her hands frantically as if that will help her process the information that was just hurled at her.

“You mean to tell me. That your freaky little anonymous lover was YOUR FUCKING ROOMMATE. The roommate, mind you, is the person you fought with literally all of last semester.”

“Yeah.”

“Oh. My. God.”

“I know.”

“Ok talk to me, what does this mean for you?”

“In what capacity?”

“Keith. Buddy. You literally lost your mind at the idea of losing Lemur. Now you know who he is. Holy fuck dude. You’re in love with your roommate.”

“Hey! No one ever said anything about that.”

“Dude. You can’t deny your totally non-platonic crash out over Christmas break.”

“Woof.”

“Yeah Keith. Woof. This is like the best case scenario for you. You know who he is! Go get your mans!!”

“I can’t.”

“Keith, you gorgeous yet insufferable boy, WHY?!”

“He hates me.”

“He clearly doesn’t.”

“I ghosted him.”

“Yeah and he still misses you. I don’t understand what you’re not understanding.”

“I can’t tell him.”

“WHY?!”

“He knows too much.”

“Keith, I really truly love whatever the fuck is wrong with you,” Acxa places a sarcastically comforting hand on Keith’s shoulder before gently slapping him across the face. “But I need you to wake up. He clearly likes you. You clearly like him. Do something about it.”

“Acxa you know I can’t.”

“Ok fine. Make yourself miserable.”

“Jeez.”

“Sorry that was harsh,” Acxa smiles gently at him, “but Keith? You’re a good person and you deserve to be happy. You and your sad little self-isolation self deserves love just as much as anyone else does.”

“Thanks Acxa,” Keith mumbles, turning his face towards the gray January sky.

“Keith,” Acxa turns his head until he’s facing her with a gentle hand to his chin. “I mean it. You are worthy of love.”

Keith gently removes his chin from her hand, “whatever you say.”

“God you’re the worst.”

“There’s the Acxa I know!”

“Hey! I’m not only mean to you!!”

“Tell yourself what you need to,” Keith grins before pulling Acxa’s scarf up over her face.

“Wh- Oh you’re DEAD to me.”

 

***

 

“Hey I’m running to Kroger do you need anything?”

Keith looks up, shocked, from his book. Lance is standing with one hand resting on the door handle while he tosses his keys casually with his other hand.

“Uh.” Keith feels like he’s short circuiting. “Nah I’m ok but thanks for asking.”

“No probs!”

Keith watches as Lance struts out the door, dropping his keys unceremoniously on the way out. 

 

Keith: Acxa.

 

Acxa: keith.

 

Keith: Lance just asked if I needed anything from the store

Keith: As in he’s being nice to me

 

Acxa: maybe that’s just what roommates do after they fall in love anonymously on canvas of all places and then proceed to not speak for a month and then learn that they were each other’s anonymous lovers- need i keep going??

 

Keith: No I’m good thanks

 

Acxa: of course! it really is my pleasure

 

Keith: Ok but consider

Keith: Your theory relies on the fact that Lance knows about me being Koala

 

Acxa: is that so hard to believe?

 

Keith: I mean yeah?

Keith: Just because I figured it out doesn’t mean he also did

Keith: I didn’t say anything that would give me away, plus even if I did he was definitely way too drunk to remember

 

Acxa: or. and hear me out. you just ask him

 

Keith: NO

 

Acxa: ugh you really hate happiness don’t you

 

Keith: No i just love NOT making a fool of myself

 

Acxa: look i could argue with you about this for ages, but i’m not going to because we both have better things to do with our time

Acxa: for example: what are you gonna do about this whole situation if you refuse to talk to lance about it

Acxa: you’re not going to be able to hide it forever 

 

Keith glares at the ceiling above his bed, letting his eyes drift over to Lance’s glow in the dark stars. He knows Acxa is right. The secret will eat him alive, but there’s a reason he ghosted in the first place. He lays his phone on his chest, letting the buzzes of Acxa’s continued tangent rattle his chest. 

If he tells Lance, then he runs the risk of losing the small amount of progress they’ve made as roommates. Lance may miss what he had, but when he’s looking at the face of the person who ghosted him… Things might be different. 

It’s better this way. 

Oh Keith. My dear sweet summer child. You have so much to learn.

 

***

 

Keith is studying in the library when he feels a tap on his shoulder. 

“You stole my table.”

Keith takes off his headphones, turning around to see who so rudely interrupted him. 

“Oh hey Lance.”

“Oh hey yourself,” Lance seats himself across from Keith, digging through his backpack for a pencil. 

“Since when did I say you could sit with me?” Keith jabs half-heartedly.

“Since you stole my damn table,” Lance pulls out his laptop.

“Since when was it your table?!”

“Since last semester dude!! I used to hang out in here ALL the time to get work done. and you know where I sat??”

“This table.”

“Holy shit. He CAN be taught!”

 

About an hour later, Lance removes his airpods, turning his computer around to Keith. 

“How does this look to you?”

Keith takes a moment to read over the Canva brochure Lance has created about the history of political parties in America.

“You’ve got a typo, can I fix it?”

“Go for it.”

Keith pushes his own computer aside for a second to fix the typo, scrolling to the next page. 

“Looks good. It’s easy to understand and it’s well designed. I would just move this squiggle a little so it’s not as close to the text.”

“Word ok,” Lance turns his computer around, tongue sticking out while he moves the offending squiggle.

“Better?” Lance turns around his computer again.

“Yeah,” Keith gives Lance an encouraging smile.

Lance gives him a soft smile in return.

Keith hides behind his computer screen.

 

Keith eventually strands up, stretching.

“Well, I think I got everything done that I needed to. You ready to head back?”

“Yeah just give me two seconds,” Lance says without looking up. He types a few more aggressive sounding sentences before closing his computer with a pat to the case. “Okie! Good to go!”

The two pack up, Keith taking a second to check his phone realizing it is well past 1 AM. 

They speed walk back to their dorm, doing their best to avoid the chill of the winter night. Keith holds the door for Lance when they arrive at the dorm, surprised when Lance makes no jab about door etiquette. Odd.

When they get to their room, Lance drops his backpack and grabs his towel.

“Hey I’m gonna shower, do you need the bathroom before?”

“Nah, all you.”

Lance grabs a pair of clothes before disappearing into the bathroom. Keith opens his copy of House of Leaves , comforted by the sounds of the shower running in the other room. It reminds him of his shared apartment with Shiro and their Jack and Jill bathroom. 

He puzzles over Lance’s strange behavior ever since the first day of class party. Lance has to remember more than he let on right? That has to be the reason for this sudden… lack of hate for Keith. They’ve been cordial, bordering on friendly to each other recently and frankly it’s been weirding Keith out. He almost misses their dynamic before The Bonding Moment. Keith hated it at the time, but it was familiar. Safe. Now? 

He’s flying blind. 

 

***

 

Keith is all but sprinting to Krell, his backpack jostling uncomfortably against the base of his spine. To be fair: it’s cold as hell. In the Dante's Inferno way, where the circle for the worst sinners is a frozen lake.

Keith shudders rather dramatically as he finally enters the Café, kicking the frost from his boots. He spots Acxa at their usual table in the corner, giving her a wave of acknowledgement before stepping up to order his food. 

Once he grabs his usual grilled cheese and tomato basil soup, he heads over towards the table. He’s shocked to find that Pidge has joined.

“Pidge?”

“Oh hey Keith!”

“What’s up? What are you doing here?”

“Nothing much and studying duh. What else?”

Keith slaps a hand to his forehead in defeat.

“Acxa saw me and invited me to sit with you guys if that’s ok?”

“Of course it’s ok,” Keith shoots them a half smile, “I haven’t seen you since the first day of class party.”

“Oh yeah, that was a fun night for sure.”

“The next morning couldn’t have been that fun though.”

“Oh I wasn’t even hung over.”

“HOW?!” Acxa and Keith chorus.

“I wasn’t that drunk.”

“Hunk had to carry you out of the party,” Keith scoffs.

“Keithy. Can I call you that?”

“Uh…”

“Keithy. I’m gonna let you in on a very secretive secret.”

“Ok…”

“I wasn’t that drunk. I faked it because I wanted you and Lance to hang out.”

“What.”

“Pidge, I actually love you so much. I would literally give you a million dollars if I had a million dollars,” Acxa practically cheers.

Keith’s face is nearly the color of his soup. 

“You mean you faked intense inebriation so that I would have to carry Lance up five flights of stairs?! I WAS DRUNK TOO,” Keith whisper shouts, hyper aware that it’s not socially acceptable to yell about past drunkenness in public spaces. 

“Yes. Exactly.”

“Pidge, you’re evil.”

“Pidge, you’re awesome,” Acxa giggles, giving Pidge a high five. 

“Oh heyo? Did I miss someone’s birthday?” Hunk asks as he walks up to the table.

“Oh I just informed Keith of our little scheme,” Pidge responds, scooting their chair over to make room for Hunk. 

“A scheme that worked quite well I might add!” Hunk good naturedly pats Keith's shoulder. “Oh also the man of the hour is on his way. I didn’t want him to miss out on all the fun!”

Pidge and Acxa eye each other and then turn their focus to Keith who feels like he’d like to melt into his seat and disappear forever. 

“Maybe we can get this Klance show on the road!” Pidge quips.

“Klance?” Acxa asks.

“Yeah. Keith and Lance.”

“Holy shit you made a ship name.” Acxa is very near crying real tears of joy.

Keith is very near crying.

“Well. Time to feed the beast,” Hunk announces before excusing himself to order his food. 

Keith tries his best to ignore Acxa’s elbow in his side as Pidge opens their computer and returns to their work. He’s successful until he sees his phone light up with a notification from Acxa.

 

Acxa: you excited to see your boyfriend??

 

Keith pulls out his computer so he can look busy.

 

Keith: First of all he’s not my boyfriend

Keith: Second of all I live with the guy I see him all the time

 

Acxa catches his eye, closing her messages app on her computer aggressively to make sure he knows she’s done with the conversation.

Keith opens a discussion board for a class, taking the immediate flood of emotions in stride. Pavlov was absolutely correct. Go classical conditioning. Acxa would be proud. Hopefully he can get over this soon because being sucker punched in the gut every time he opens a discussion board is not going to end well. Especially since most of his classes include discussion boards. 

“Hello fellows and uh…” Keith looks up to see Lance gesturing awkwardly at Acxa.

“Oh don’t worry I can be a fellow,” she laughs in response.

“Awesome. Hello fellows!”

“Hi Lance,” the table choruses at varying levels of excitement. (Keith is the only variation). 

Lance grabs a chair from the neighboring table pulling it up to the spot between Keith and Pidge. 

“You wanted to sit next to your boyfriend, that’s adorable!” Pidge says sarcastically, eyes glued to their screen.

“He’s not my boyfriend!” Lance explodes, turning toward Keith for affirmation. Keith nods approvingly without pausing his typing. 

“Just give it like three months,” Hunk appears behind Lance, handing him his food before sitting down next to Pidge. 

“Ooh I love betting!” Acxa kicks Keith hard under the table. He knows she’s thinking about their standing bet. 

“Ok I think they’ll realize they’re in love by or before May,” Pidge giggles, eyeing Keith and Lance as they sink further into their chairs in embarrassment. 

“Really that long?” Hunk asks.

“Yeah. I mean look at these dumbasses,” Pidge smacks Lance’s head.

“I’m giving them the benefit of the doubt. I say March,” Hunk laughs.

“While I’d love to say sooner, I’m gonna say April,” Acxa laughs, “But I would like to make it publicly known that Keith and I have a standing bet already.”

Keith buries his face in his hands.

“Keith bet 10 dollars last semester that he would never fall for Lance.”

“Oh so cold,” Hunk pitches in, supporting Pidge as they collapse in laughter against him.

Lance pouts next to him. 

“Ok since Keith and Acxa already put money on it, I shall also,” Pidge shakes their head recovering from their laughing fit.

“Oh yeah me too,” Hunk adds.

Lance and Keith are wearing twin scowls which is definitely not helping their case. 

They’ll never live this one down.

 

***

 

“Ok so do you want to tell me what the fuck that was about??” Acxa interrogates Keith the second she can. 

The two of them are walking back to Acxa’s under the claim that she didn’t want to walk back to her dorm alone. They both know Acxa could take pretty much anyone (including Keith) down with ease.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Keith turns away stubbornly.

“All I’m saying is the silent treatment is not an efficient way to get in someone’s pants.”

“Well lucky me because I don’t want to get in his pants.”

“Oh that's right. You want to take it slow. Build a Real Connection,” Acxa throws up air quotes. 

“Or. And consider this. I just don’t like him.”

“Keith. My love. It will be so much easier for all of us if you stop lying to yourself.” 

“Fine! Say I do like him,” Keith spits, exasperated. “What then?!”

“See now we’re getting somewhere,” Acxa laughs. “Seriously though, what do you want to do?”

“I mean I want what we had back. I miss that.”

“The constant banter or…”

Keith gives Acxa a “bitch please” look. “I just want everything to be simple again.”

“I know you do.”

“So how do I fix it? It’s not like I can talk to him about it.”

“Why can’t you? Becasue you’re scared he knows too much? Keith knowing who you are doesn’t change what he knows. He knows everything you told him, and he still cares about his anonymous friend. Whatever you told him clearly wasn’t enough to push him away.”

“I guess, but I did in fact ghost him. For seemingly no reason.”

“Sure, but I think once you explain to him why you did, he’ll understand. He already knows you’re a person with a lot of walls and he literally told you he’d wait for you. That can’t mean nothing.”

Keith sighs into the night air, “look. You may be right, but you also could be wrong.”

“I mean I’m not gonna deny that. We don’t know for sure how he’ll respond, but if I had to guess, I would say he’d be upset for a little while even though he understands. You hurt him Keith. But I don’t think it’s a friendship or relationship ending thing.”

“Ok say you’re right,” Keith feels the start of the spiral. “He’s mad at me for a little while and then he’s not mad at me and then what?”

“That’s where my prediction ends,” Acxa smiles, “Then it’s up to you guys.”

“What if that’s what I’m scared of?!”

“In what way?”

“I don’t know, I mean, what if it doesn’t work out?! What if I only end up hurt?”

“Ok one, you’re getting a little ahead of yourself. And two? Both you not saying anything and you saying something could end in you hurting.”

“Oh wow. I was looking for encouragement. One happy pill please!” Keith gives Acxa a sarcastic thumbs up. 

“Oh shut it. I meant you not saying anything will end with you hurting. You’re already hurting. Saying something could end with you getting hurt, but also it could end with you happier than you’ve ever been. You can’t hit a target you don’t shoot at.”

“Yeah. I guess.”

“I know I mess with you about it, but I mean it. Take your time. You’re on no one’s schedule but your own. Just think about it, ok?”

“It’s not like I could stop thinking about it if I tried.”

“I know.”

They’ve been standing outside Acxa’s dorm for a while now, snow flurries collecting around their feet.

“Hey, I think it’s actually sticking this time,” Keith slides his boot through the growing amount of snow on the ground. 

“Who knows. Maybe we’ll get out of class tomorrow,” Acxa tilts her head toward the sky, sticking her tongue out. “You should head back to your dorm before it gets worse.”

“Yeah.” He pauses. “Hey Acxa?”

“Hm?”

“Thank you.”

 

***

 

By the time Keith makes it back to his dorm, the snow is falling fast, collecting quickly on the ground. Keith decides to camp out in the lobby for a little while. He has some work he wasn’t able to finish earlier, plus he doesn’t want to tackle the stairs after practically running across campus. 

About an hour later, the snow has accumulated to a couple of inches, the whole campus looking like it’s straight out of a Christmas painting. Keith takes a moment to admire it, his breath fogging up the glass, before he climbs the stairs to his room.

Once again, when he opens the door, he almost hits Lance. Once again, Lance makes no comment about correct door usage (huh?), silently grabbing Keith’s wrist and dragging him back down the stairs. Keith manages to leave his backpack in the lobby before Lance wordlessly pulls him out into the snow. He stands there for a moment, just looking out over the campus before looking to the sky. Keith watches him with curiosity bordering admiration.

“I’ve never seen snow before,” Lance breaks the silence.

“Really?”

“Really. It’s incredible.”

“Yeah. It is,” Keith says, eyes on Lance. 

They stand in silence for a little longer before Lance kneels, grabbing a handful of snow and lobbing it at Keith. The snowball breaks apart before it even hits Keith.

“Sorry. My bad. I was trying to actually hit you,” Lance laughs, making sure to pack a new snowball firmly. He’s so focused on his task that he doesn’t notice Keith making his own snowball until it hits him square in the face.

“Heh. Like that?”

“Oh fuuuck you!” Lance shrieks with laughter, hurling his current snowball at Keith, hitting him square in the neck.

“Cold cold cold cold,” Keith laughs trying to scoop the snow out of the collar of his sweater.

“You snooze you lose,” Lance cackles, pitching yet another snowball at Keith. 

The snowball fight that follows is a rather violent one, both boys showing no mercy towards the other. After a while, they have basically cleared the entire entrance to their dorm.

“Hey we’ve done a public service,” Lance notes, gasping for air, “they won’t have to shovel here tomorrow!”

Keith pants a laugh, trying to catch his breath, “they should give us community service hours or something.”

Now that he’s not moving, Keith realizes how cold he is. He shiveres involuntarily.

Lance senses the movement.

“Oh dude I’m so sorry for dragging you out here with no coat.”

“You’re all good. Truly.”

“Still,” Lance takes off his jean jacket, handing it to Keith.

“Don’t you need this?”

“Dude just take it.”

“Ok.”

 

They make their way back into the dorm, Keith wrapped in Lance’s jacket, both of them kicking their shoes against the door to shake off the excess snow.

They slip and slide their way up the five flights of stairs, racing to grab blankets the second they enter the room.

Keith fills a mug of water for tea, before thinking twice and grabbing one of Lance’s mugs as well. He puts both cups in the microwave as Lance digs a hot chocolate packet out of a box under his bed. 

Once settled with their hot drinks, the two watch the snow through the window in silence. 

“Hey, I just wanted to thank you…” Lance starts.

“Thank me for what?”

“I never thanked you for dealing with my drunk ass after the first day of class party. I know it’s been a while, but I realized I never properly thanked you, and I felt bad because I know I’m no fun when I get that drunk. Not that I’ve ever been that drunk before, that’s the drunkest I’ve ever been, but I know I can be annoying and…”

“You’re welcome,” Keith cuts in before Lance can ramble more. “And for the record you weren’t annoying.”

“Really? I doubt that.”

“Ok fine. You were a little annoying, but you weren’t as annoying as you usually are so we’ll take it.”

“Damn. No one has ever told me that I’m less annoying when I’m drunk,” Lance laughs. 

“There’s a first time for everything,” Keith chuckles. 

Lance smiles, turning back to the window, and Keith can’t look away. There’s just something about the way Lance looks in the flickering of Keith’s Christmas lights, and the distant lights from the sidewalk below. There’s something so cozy about the two of them, huddled with blankets and hot drinks, watching the snow. Keith thinks he could get used to this.

Get used to Lance. 

Notes:

I adore Keith and Acxa’s friendship with all of my being

(Yes I based them off of me and my best friend- shout out to you bestie you rock I guess)

Chapter 9: Champagne for My Real Friends, Real Pain for My Sham Friends

Summary:

Lance remembers the bonding moment!

Oh also they find a stray kitten! They name her Kosmo!

(Big angst warning oops).

Keith slams a 10 dollar bill on the table in front of Acxa.

“Wh- Did I pay for your coffee or something? What is this about?”

“You won the damn bet Acxa.”

“Holy fuck did you talk to him?”

“No, but the bet was realizing you were right about having a crush on Lemur so I’ve owed you for a while now.”

“Nah man. I know you. You lost the bet ages ago and clearly neither of us cared. Something else happened.”

“Oh fuck you and your psychology brain.”

“So I was right?”

“Yes, but I will not elaborate.”

“You guys definitely made out.”

“We absolutely did not.”

“But you wanted to?” Acxa wiggles her eyebrows at Keith.

“I’m pleading the fifth.”

“Ok Keith, but your silence is incriminating.”

“Sure it is.”

“Ok but I have to know. What changed?”

“I don’t know, just vibe switch?” Keith tries his best to explain.

“As in him suddenly being nice to you?”

“Yes? But also no?”

“Good one Keith. You’re as emotionally intelligent as ever.”

“Why don’t you fuck all the way off?!?!”

“I love you too Keith!!"

Keith rolls his eyes, flipping her off as he heads to class.

Acxa holds up a hand heart as Keith exits Krell.

 

***

 

It’s 1 AM when Lance gives himself the task of bringing the group together for a late night game of charades. They’re nearing midterms and everyone has been holed up in their rooms or quiet corners of academic buildings to study. Lance however, thinks everyone needs a brain break.

Keith is the easy first victim as he is sitting across the table from Lance in the library when Lance has his epiphany. It takes barely any convincing for Keith to agree to Lance’s little plan. Keith would probably do anything as long as Lance asked him to, but that’s an issue to unpack later. 

The next task is to find the rest of the group. Keith leads Lance across campus on a wild goose chase in search of Acxa. He knows her usual study spots, and they eventually find her in an empty classroom in the basement of her dorm.

Next, the three of them head towards the science building, knowing Pidge will most likely be there. Chances are, Hunk will be there too.

As suspected, they find Pidge in the robotics lab hunched over their computer typing frantically. As the group walks in, the robot arm Pidge is programming flips them off as a form of greeting. 

“Pidge! That is no way to greet your friends!” Lance gasps, clutching imaginary pearls. 

“That’s what you get for interrupting me.”

“Hey Pidge,” Acxa starts gently, “why don’t you take a break. I know you’ve been up here for way too many hours.”

“12.”

“See that’s way too many hours to spend in one room,” Acxa chides.

“Yeah, you’ll probably be able to focus better after a brain break,” Keith adds. 

“They’re right, Pidge,” Lance walks over, standing behind them and dropping his chin on the top of their head. “Remember what happened last time you pulled an all nighter programming a robot?”

That gets Pidge’s attention. “Ok that’s totally unfair. I had nothing to do with that malfunction.”

“Sure but based on the laws of superstition…”

“Point taken Lance,” Pidge laughs. “Give me like five more minutes to finish up what I was doing. If you’re looking for Hunk I think he’s in one of the chem labs on the second floor.”

“Word. We’ll be right back Pidgey!”

Lance misses the eye roll Pidge directs at him but Keith doesn’t, smiling in fond understanding at Pidge as he follows Lance out of the room. 

Pidge was right about Hunk’s whereabouts. They find him huddled behind a bunsen burner in the corner of one of the smaller chemistry labs.

“I would like to put it on the record that I think this is a terrible idea,” Hunk laments as Lance drags him down the hall back towards the robotics lab. 

Once the four of them return, Pidge has slammed their computer shut, high fiving their robot arm before shutting off the lights.

Lance leads the group towards the empty classrooms, looking for one with a whiteboard. He’s ecstatic when he finds one.

“OOH IT’S ‘STANDING OVATION’” Pidge topples over Hunk raising their hand even though they already shouted out the answer.

“Another point to Pidge,” Acxa sighs, adding a tally under Pidge’s name on the whiteboard. 

The group had decided that due to the uneven number of their group, every man for himself charades was the name of the game.

Lance stands brushing his pants off, grabbing his phone from Acxa to generate a new word to act out. They had decided to set the charades generator to its “really hard” setting, now understanding what a mistake that had been. Still, all of them were far too stubborn to change it to an easier setting. 

Keith almost laughs out loud at Lance’s confused face, breaking when Lance starts flapping his arms aggressively.

“Bird, Flight, Superman? Airplane, Raven”

“Pidge, give everyone else a chance,” Keith punches them lightly.

“Dude it’s not my fault you guys can’t keep up- HAWK, EAGLE, CROW”

Lance nods emphatically, holding up one finger.

“Ok first word is crow,” Hunk interjects, shocking everyone with his eagerness to join the competition.

Lance holds up two fingers and weaves his fingers together, forming a circle with his arms.

“Circle, Hoop, Basket, uhh”

“NEST,” Keith yells, “crow’s nest.”

“Ding, ding, ding!” Lance smiles at him, and Keith feels his breath catch. 

“Ok that’s one for Keith, one for Acxa, four for Pidge, three for Hunk, and two for me,” Lance adds Keith’s point to the board. “You’re up buddy.”

Keith takes the phone from Lance, hitting the “generate new” button. 

The word (words?) is “eye of a storm.” Man they really should have swallowed their pride and changed the difficulty setting.

Axca bursts into laughter as Keith frantically begins doing the wave with his arms.

“Wave, Ocean, Beach, Tide, Oasis,” Pidge lists off. 

Keith shakes his head, blowing air from his mouth, gesturing his hands away from his face.

“Blowing a kiss?” Lance asks awkwardly.

Keith belatedly realizes he basically just blew a kiss in Lance’s direction. 

He gives Lance a look giving him a shrug that says “sort of?”

“Ok uh.. Air?”

“Breeze?” Hunk guesses.

“Wind?”

Keith nods frantically at Lance before gesturing that there’s more. He then draws a vertical spiral in the air, hoping someone will understand the shape of a tornado.

“Spiral, Fibonacci sequence,” Pidge yells.

Keith rolls his eyes at them.

“Gimme something else buddy,” Lance nods encouragingly at him.

Keith sighs and clicks his heels together three times.

“Wizard of Oz, Magic, Dorothy, Dog, Witch.”

Hunk grabs Pidge covering their mouth with his hand.

“Tornado?”

Keith points at Hunk nodding.

“Is that the answer?” Lance asks when Keith doesn’t give Hunk the point. 

Keith shakes his head no, pointing to his eye.

The group is quiet, thinking. Pidge is struggling to say something against Hunk’s hand. 

“OH!” Lance yells suddenly, jumping to his feet. “Eye of the storm?!”

“Yes!!” Keith’s face cracks into a wide smile, catching Lance as he barrels into his arms. 

“Ahem?” Acxa clears her throat loudly.

Keith and Lance untangle from each other with shocking speed. 

“Score for Lance,” Pidge raises an eyebrow, highlighting the underlying meaning of their comment.

Lance and Keith awkwardly return to their seats, Keith handing off the phone to Acxa before he sits down. She gives him a knowing smile as she gets up to take her turn. 

The game continues, finally ending with Pidge as the clear victor. It’s about 4 am now, and yawns are spreading like an infectious disease around the group.

“I’m going to sleep,” Hunk states blankly.

“Me too,” Acxa gives Hunk a half hearted high five before they head in opposite directions towards their dorms.

“I’m gonna sleep in the lab,” Pidge mumbles, catching the attention of both Lance and Keith. 

“Oh no you’re not,” Lance yawns, grabbing Pidge by the wrist. “You’re sleeping in your bed if I have to lock you in your room.”

“I’m actually with Lance on this one,” Keith shakes himself awake as Pidge looks at him for backup.

“Ugh you guys suck.”

“Nah we’re just good friends,” Lance laughs.

 

Once Pidge has been walked back to their dorm, Keith and Lance walk back to their dorm enjoying the cold night air.

“Study again tomorrow? Same time, same place?” Lance asks.

“Yeah. I’ll be there. Always.”

“I hope it’s not always,” Lance giggles, "because I need midterms to be over stat.”

“Always until midterms then,” Keith smiles groggily.

“Sure buddy. Always until midterms.”

 

***

 

Keith is sitting on his rug, hunched over a textbook when his headphones are ripped from his head. 

“What do you want Lance?”

“Ok that is no way to greet your roommate!” Lance laughs in mock horror, placing Keith’s headphones around his neck. “I was just letting you know it’s time for our daily library study sesh. Also, sitting like that can’t be good for your back.”

“Since when did you care about my back?”

“Since a minute ago when I noticed your scoliosis developing before my very eyes.”

Keith huffs a laugh, finally turning around to face Lance. “Point taken. Work on posture.”

“You know what would be a good first step?” Lance wags his eyebrows in Keith’s direction, “sitting in a real chair in the library!”

Keith pretends Lance’s smile has no effect on him. Keith, there’s no need to lie. We all know you’re gay for your roommate.

Lance waits as Keith gathers his belongings, remembering (for the first time maybe ever) to grab his computer charger. 

“Race ya?” Lance challenges.

“Oh you’re on”

The two boys catapult down the hall, Lance smacking into the door frame as he tries to squeeze past Keith. 

Keith turns around to laugh at him, immediately tripping over himself and stumbling down the stairs. 

“Man. First you don’t know how to use doors and now you don’t know how to use stairs? Catch up Kogane!” Lance cackles as he flies past Keith.

“Oh come up with a new insult,” Keith hollers back, sliding down the handrail. 

“Oh now you’re just cheating,” Lance yells, scrambling to catch up.

“As I recall,” Keith stops on the landing, waiting for Lance to catch up, “we never set any rules.”

“You’re. Insufferable,” Lance gasps for air, watching in dismay as Keith slides to the bottom of the stairs.

“And you’re not gonna win this race!” Keith giggles, beelining for the door. 

Once outside, he races toward the library, looking back to see Lance crashing through the door of their dorm.

That’s when he hears a bush hiss at him.

Keith stops dead in his tracks listening.

Lance, clearly not getting the memo that something more important than the race is happening, barrels directly into Keith’s back, toppling both boys to the ground. 

“Ugh what the fuck dude,” Lance rolls off Keith, brushing off his shirt. 

“Sh.”

“Don’t shush me, I-” he catches Keith’s eye.

“I heard something in the bush,” Keith whispers.

“What kind of something?” Lance whispers back.

“It sounded kind of like a cat hiss.”

The bush hisses again.

“Yeah definitely a cat hiss.”

“Hold on I’ve got this,” Lance army crawls into the bush making pspsps noises. 

Keith watches in both awe and confusion. 

“Oh fuck. SHIT-” Lance suddenly emerges from the bush, grabbing at the blur of fur that suddenly appears in Keith’s arms.

Keith instinctively grabs ahold of whatever just ran into him, belatedly considering the threat of rabies. 

“Holy shit she’s tiny,” Lance whispers, petting the grey kitten in Keith’s arms between the ears. 

Keith maneuvers the kitten from where she’s trying to climb over his shoulder to a more secure hold against his chest. Screw rabies. This kitten is precious and can do no wrong. 

“How do you know she’s a she?”

“Guess work?” Lance laughs a little. 

“I have no reason not to trust it,” Keith smiles, holding the kitten closer, as she starts to purr.

The two sit in silence for a while, giving the kitten time to calm down. It’s still pretty cold even for March, so Keith wraps the kitten inside his jacket as they return to their dorm. 

Once in the dorm, Lance dumps some lip balms out of their flat plastic tray, filling it with water for the kitten. He also rips a page out of his notebook, balling in up to form a makeshift toy. Keith watches this whole process with fondness, running two fingers over the kitten’s head. 

They watch as the kitten takes interest in the water first, drinking a good amount before attacking the paper ball with a surprising amount of energy for such a small being. 

“I feel like a proud parent,” Lance laughs quietly as he scoots closer to Keith.

“Yeah,” Keith smiles.

“We should name her.”

“Got any ideas?”

“Hm,” Lance drops his forehead on Keith’s shoulder in thought. Keith’s heart jumps to his throat. 

“Cosmic?” Keith suggests.

“Ooh!” Lance perks up, removing his head from Keith's shoulder. Keith regrets saying anything. “How about Cosmo?”

“I like that.”

“And we spell it with a K to be quirky.”

“I like that a lot.”

“Me too,” Lance gives Keith a little smile.

“Ok Kosmo,” Lance giggles crawling toward the kitten and batting the paper ball back at her. 

Lance and Kosmo pass the ball back and forth while Keith watches in wonder. How had he not seen this side of Lance before? The funny, kind, generous Lance who rolls on the floor with stray kittens. How had he missed so much of Lance when living across the room from him?

Maybe he feels like he’s not too much for you.

Lance smiles up at Keith from the floor where Kosmo is now curled up on his chest. 

could i maybe get your instagram?

Keith brushes the hair from where it’s fallen over Lance’s eyes, bright blue meeting his gaze. 

I would’ve given him all the time he needed.

Keith hurt him. Keith proved that Lance was too much. Keith did to Lance exactly what he was afraid Lance would do to him. He knew too much about Lance. And he used that knowledge against him.

“I remember the bonding moment.”

Keith snaps out of his headspace, realizing he had been staring at Lance the whole time.

“What?”

“I remember the bonding moment.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah. I told you about my anonymous friend.”

“Yeah. I’m still sorry you had to deal with that by the way.”

“It’s ok,” Lance smiles, “You remind me of him.”

“Do I?”

“Yeah. Like a porcupine. Sharp on the outside, really sweet on the inside.”

“Hm. Sounds like someone has a type,” Keith pokes Lance’s shoulder. 

“Yeah. Maybe I do.”

 

***

 

Keith feels a pair of hands lift his headphones aggressively from his ears.

“Hey!” he whirls around, nearly punching his roommate in the face.

“Woah dude take a chill pill,” Lance scoffs, handing Keith his headphones, “no need to be so on edge all the time.”

“Sorry, I didn’t realize it was you.”

“You think a rando in the humanities building would steal your headphones?”

“Maybe?”

“Oh Keith,” Lance pats Keith’s shoulder sympathetically, “I love whatever the fuck’s wrong with you.”

“Thanks?”

“You’re welcome!”

“Were you headed back to the dorm?” Keith asks, closing his laptop.

“Yep! Just finished my last exam!”

“Oh how was it?!”

“Eh it was fine,” Lance hands Keith his charger, “I think I got like an 85 on it. Not bad, but nothing to write home about.”

“Eh, I think an 85 is very good. The average college student gets C’s.”

“Sure Mr. Dean’s list,” Lance laughs, “You’d have more credibility if you didn't hold yourself to such intensely high standards.”

“Ok fine but-” Keith starts.

“No buts,” Lance giggles, “I saw you refreshing Canvas over and over and that can only mean one thing.”

Keith raises a questioning eyebrow at Lance.

“It means you’re waiting for a grade to be posted right?”

“How did you know?!”

“I do the same thing…”

“Ok so we’re both hypocrites about holding ourselves to near impossible standards?” Keith punches Lance’s arm gently.

“Ugh fine,” Lance rolls his eyes, “to being hypocrites?”

Keith takes the handshake Lance offers to him, “to being hypocrites.”

“Anyway, how’s Kosmo doing?”

“Oh, I forgot to show you!” Keith pulls out his phone, “Shiro sent me an update this morning!”

Keith hands his phone to Lance, watching his smile grow as he scrolls through the pictures of Kosmo. After some research, they had realized they didn’t want to give Kosmo to a shelter, opting to call Shiro instead. Shiro had happily agreed to adopt her, driving to campus that night to pick her up. She had been living with Shiro for about a week now, and Shiro was very good about sending daily photo updates.

“I think she’s gotten fatter,” Lance laughs.

“I mean she’s being fed proper meals now,” Keith smiles, “it’s only natural.”

“Oh I’m not fat shaming!” Lance throws his hands in the air in innocence. 

“Sure Lance. You just really hate to see someone be a healthy weight huh.”

“Hey now. I NEVER said that,” Lance says, affronted.

“Sureeeee.”

Keith is ready for Lance’s halfhearted punch, dodging easily.

“How the fuck did you dodge that.”

“I was expecting you to punch me,” Keith shrugs.

“Damn. I’ve gotten predictable,” Lance shakes his head in dismay. “Hey also. Who is Shiro to you? I never asked because we were in such a rush to get Kosmo somewhere safe and then midterms happened. You must trust him a lot to give him a kitten.”

Keith freezes. He was hoping he’d escaped the questions, but he should have known Lance would ask eventually.

“He’s my brother.”

“Gotcha.”

Lance falls quiet next to him, tucking his hands into his hoodie pocket, surprising Keith with the lack of follow up questions.

They walk the rest of the way to their dorm in silence.

Once they get there, it’s clear Lance has lost all of his previous energy, as Keith watches him crawl into his bed.

Keith can’t shake the feeling that there is something very, very wrong.

 

About two hours later, Lance is still in his bed, facing away from Keith. 

 

Acxa: krell dinner?

 

Keith: I actually might stay in tonight

Keith: I think there’s something up with Lance

 

Acxa: OOHH??!?!?!?!??!?!

Acxa: IS KLANCE FINALLY HAPPENING????

 

Keith: No. Quite the opposite actually

 

Acxa: wait what happened?

 

Keith: I’m not really sure, but he’s much quieter than he usually is

Keith: I’ve only seen him this quiet one other time

Keith: At the FDOC party right before he told me about… yk… me

 

Acxa: so you think him being quiet means he’s thinking about something?

 

Keith: Yeah. I just don’t know what he’s thinking and that makes me nervous

 

Acxa: you’re gonna hate this

Acxa: but you’re not gonna know what he’s thinking unless you talk to him

 

Keith: Ik but I don’t think he wants to talk to me right now

 

Acxa: you might just have to give him time then

Acxa: you can’t force it- that'll only make it worse 

Acxa: alternatively, you could be totally over thinking this and he’s just tired

 

Keith: I hope that’s the case

Keith: But I don’t think it is…

 

Acxa: yeahhhh

Acxa: i’m sorry i can’t help more

 

Keith: It’s ok- thanks for always listening 

 

Acxa: dude that’s what friends are for

Acxa: keep me updated ok?

 

Keith: Duh

 

***

 

Keith is half asleep when he hears the telltale creak Lance’s bed makes when he’s climbing out of it. Keith cracks an eye open, watching Lance slink across the room to the bathroom. A second later he hears the shower start.

He can feel his heart beating out of his chest as he gets up, trying to act normal as he makes a cup of instant ramen. He’s halfway through eating the bowl when Lance emerges from the bathroom.

“Oh hey!” Keith smiles awkwardly. 

“Hey yourself,” Lance answers quietly.

He’s too quiet.

“How was your nap?” Keith tries again.

“Didn’t sleep.”

“Oh.”

Lance pops his headphones back on, effectively shutting Keith out.

“Dude, what’s up with you?”

“Huh?” Lance pushes one side of his headphones off to acknowledge Keith.

“I said what’s up with you. You’ve been weirdly quiet all afternoon.”

“Well god forbid I’m not always a perfect little ball of energy,” Lance snaps.

“What the fuck Lance.”

“What do you mean what the fuck. You don’t get to talk to me like that.”

“Ok. I’m sorry,” Keith acquiesces. “Seriously though. Are you ok?”

“Yeah. That would be a no.”

“What happened?” Keith asks carefully. 

“Oh I think you know,” Lance scowls, putting his headphones back on.

“I actually don’t know,” Keith feels his anger rising as he crosses the room to remove Lance’s headphones from his ears. “I don’t know why you’ve suddenly decided I’m not good enough to talk to.”

“I think you decided that first,” Lance scowls, refusing to break eye contact.

His words hang in the air leaving a sense of sickly dread in the room.

“What?” Keith is deathly quiet now. He can feel the danger. It’s heavy in the air. Unfortunately, Keith never runs from a fight. He just runs from everything else.

“I said,” Lance whirls around, standing and grabbing Keith by the front of his shirt. “You have no place to accuse me of not talking to you for one singular afternoon when you- how did you phrase it again?- ‘decided I’m not good enough to talk to,’” Lance spits Keith’s own words back in his face.

“What are you talking about,” Keith holds on to the remnants of his security for dear life. 

“You’re really gonna make me say it? Koala.”

The air is sucked out of the room, and Keith feels his lungs fighting for oxygen. 

Neither of them breathe for the longest time, Lance’s eyes burning holes through Keith’s. He should’ve known the hottest flames burn blue. 

“What are you talking about?”

“Stop playing fucking dumb!” Lance yells, finally releasing Keith from his hold. “Or is that what you think of me? You thought you could just play it off and I’d never figure it out? How fucking stupid do you think I am?”

“I don’t think you’re stupid Lance.”

“You clearly do. You called your brother in front of me as if I wouldn’t figure out that you have the exact same age gap Koala did with his brother. YOUR BROTHER. That Koala had the foresight to not name. Am I a fucking game to you?!”

“The age gap thing is just guess work. That’s nothing to go off of. You’re a law major. That’s hardly enough proof.”

“Sure, but your answer just now tells me everything I needed to know. You just acknowledged you knew the story I was talking about. That means you’re Koala. That means the story he told me is yours. That means you ghosted me and then continued to toy with me for months.”

“Lance, I-”

“No. You don’t get to defend yourself right now. You’ve been lying to me for nearly half a semester. You let me cry to you over someone who ghosted me knowing that it was you. You watched me endure what you put me through, and you didn’t say a thing.”

“Lance please-”

“No! You’ve already said and done enough. I thought we were doing better, Kogane. I thought we were fixing whatever fucked up thing we had going from first semester. But no. You were just being nice to me to feel better about yourself. Did you even plan on telling me? Ever?”

Keith doesn't say anything. He can’t.

“Right. I get it. You were just gonna pretend like you didn’t hurt me. Pretend and hope I was stupid enough to not realize. Well get this Keith. I’m. Not. Stupid.”

Lance emphasizes each word with a jab of his finger to Keith’s chest. 

“I’m not some plaything. I’m not an experiment.”

After everything Lance has yelled at him in the past five minutes, nothing hurts Keith more than seeing the tears well up in Lance’s eyes.

“How could you?” he asks finally.

“I didn’t mean for any of this,” Keith hopes Lance believes him. “I didn’t mean to hurt you, I swear, you knew too much about me. I was scared.”

“Keith. I told you I remembered the bonding moment. You know what else I remember? I remember telling you I would’ve waited for you. I would’ve waited until all of your walls were down. I would have done everything to make you feel safe. I thought the feeling was mutual.”

“It was! Is,” Keith corrects quickly.

“Well you’re not making me feel safe now.” Lance closes his eyes, taking in a deep breath. “I’m going to Hunk’s. I need to think.”

“Ok.” Keith watches Lance pack his things into his backpack. “Are you coming back tonight?”

“I don’t know.”

“Ok.”

Lance goes back to the bathroom to grab his toothbrush.

“I really am sorry.”

“That might’ve worked in January Keith, but it’s not gonna work now.”

“I know. I still wanted to say it.”

“Ok.”

Lance closes the door behind him leaving Keith standing in the middle of the room alone. Suddenly the glow in the dark stars feel more eerie than cheerful. 

They remind Keith that Jupiter’s core of diamonds is a far fetched theory. 

Notes:

Hey guys…. So I did in fact change a pretty big piece of the fic as I was writing this chapter…Originally I didn’t have Lance figuring out the Koala thing until much later. It was gonna be all happy and fun and then Lance would figure it out and everything would be fine because he already fell in love with Keith. However, after writing the kitten scene I was like that just doesn’t make sense anymore.

Lance needs a chance to feel. He needs a chance to be upset. I hurt him bad and I need to give him the chance to heal. I refuse to do what the Voltron writers did and brush over his pain. So uh. The next few chapters are about to be a lot more angsty than I originally planned and I am very sorry for that!!

Hang with me though. These idiots will work it out eventually I promise.

Chapter 10: I Slept With Someone In Fall Out Boy and All I Got Was This Stupid Song Written About Me

Summary:

Keith's creative writing project with little moments of Klance healing.

I love my boys and they love each other and they're working it out.

Keith Kogane

Dr. Holt

ENW 2300

10 March, 2025

 

Creative Writing First Draft

Author’s Note:

In all honesty, I really don’t know how to start this, so I’m going to let myself “word vomit” without edits. We spend our whole lives editing ourselves to be who we think everyone else wants to see, and as this project is all about breaking my own unhealthy habits, here goes. 

The idea for this project didn’t come to me unprompted. When I arrived at University of Olkarion, I was faced with the difficult reality that everyone here is trying to make friends, and I am astronomically bad at doing just that. I’ve never been the most open person, and my life experiences have made me close off even more. I find it extremely difficult to trust people, and usually I give up the fight before I can reap the benefits.

I spend so much time running from people that I barely have time to conceptualize the lonely existence I’ve created for myself. It used to not bother me. Being alone was simple, but recently I’ve met someone who has challenged that belief. As I got to know them, I felt my instinct to cut them off grow stronger by the day. Pushing them away means protecting myself. Letting someone in means losing them.

Here is where the project comes in. I want to unpack the very basic human desire for connection in opposition with the very basic human desire to self preserve. To what lengths will we go for interpersonal connection, and to what lengths will we go to keep ourselves safe? What even is safety? What happens when you lose something that makes you feel safe?

I never craved connection before meeting this friend, which now puts me in a difficult position. My need to self preserve will always win. I will always push people away in favor of protecting my heart. Or that’s what I thought. 

Then I met Lance. 

He changed everything.

 

__________________________________________________________________

Dear Lance, 

Moving in with a stranger is a dangerous game

But it’s not like I had much choice in the matter

They say never move in with your best friend if you want them to stay

But it’s not like I had a friendship to ruin

Maybe I was naive to think that I could escape this whole thing unscathed

But it’s not like you’re the kind of person to leave other people unaffected

I didn’t mean to let you get so close, let anyone get so close

But there’s just something about you

I’m so sorry

But it doesn’t matter

I hurt you and I don’t expect you to ever forgive me

But I wish you would talk to me

I hate how I miss your voice

I hate how I miss whatever we used to have

I hate how I miss something I never really had

But I know you hate me

__________________________________________________________________

Dear Lance, 

 

You sound like music from another room

Comforting, Calm

Out of reach

There’s something petrifying about your presence

Comforting, Calm

Out of reach

I never hated you or maybe I did

You have this power to make me forget

__________________________________________________________________

Dear Lance,

 

dear kid at the carnaval 

please don’t feel small 

when the lights all go down 

remember you’re tall 

__________________________________________________________________

Dear Lance, 

There’s this gaping emptiness in my chest 

I need to give myself to someone 

I want someone to give themselves to me

I miss the constant need for and being needed by another 

However i know i can’t 

My trust issues hold me back along with the fact that there’s no one i want to give myself to that way 

Or there wasn’t until you

 

I want to love someone but im incapable of loving someone that way

I need something that makes me feel alive 

Like life isn’t a checklist 

I’m sick of each day being task after task 

I want to look forward to something other than whatever makes the work stop

I want to feel comfortable with you

__________________________________________________________________

Dear Lance, 

I don’t think I’m cut out for this

I’m not cut out for the way you love

You love with your whole self, you wear your heart on your sleeve

I find myself doing the exact opposite

You feel with your whole heart

Even your anger is artistic

Am I just another to ignore?

Does your hate for me match whatever I feel for you?

__________________________________________________________________

Dear Lance,

I swore I wouldn't write another poem about a boy

Taking too much melatonin to drown out all the noise

But somewhere in subconscious plane

I’m forced to talk to him again- and I think 

What a pity it is to know someone

Who lives forever in your mind

__________________________________________________________________

Dear Lance, 

 

You stick to me like poison i wish to die by

 

The what ifs can kill

 

I wish i could hide forever

 

Even though you make me feel seen 

__________________________________________________________________

Dear Lance,

I miss what we had

I miss us laughing

Is it weird to say that I miss when you hated me?

You hate me now

But it’s different this time

__________________________________________________________________

 

“Hey I’m running to the grocery store, do you need anything?” Keith tries.

The bundle of blankets in Lance’s bed doesn’t respond.

 

__________________________________________________________________

Dear Lance,

I’m sorry

__________________________________________________________________

 

 

“Hey Lance, Acxa and I are meeting up at Krell for lunch, care to join?”

“I’ll pass, sorry.”

 

__________________________________________________________________

Dear Lance,

I’m so fucking sorry

__________________________________________________________________

“I brought you some garlic knots. Hunk said they’re your favorite.”

“Thanks.”

 

__________________________________________________________________

Dear Lance, 

I miss you

__________________________________________________________________

Pidge: Game night tonight?

 

Keith: Hell yeah

 

Pidge: Wanna ask if Lance wants to join?

 

Keith: If I asked I don’t think he’d say yes

Keith: I don’t think he’d say yes if he knew I’d be there

 

Pidge: Yeah… Sorry that was insensitive

 

Keith: Nah you’re ok

 

Pidge: Still

 

__________________________________________________________________

Dear Lance, 

“The bottom of the sea is cruel.” -Hart Crane

I’ve always associated you with water.

Who knew the ocean could be so cold?

 

I wish we could talk

I wish you would talk to me

I wish you would listen

__________________________________________________________________

Acxa: krell?

 

Keith: On the way

 

Keith arrives at Krell, spotting Acxa at their usual corner table.

“Hey bud, how goes it?”

“Bad.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

Keith takes a seat, looking at everything but Acxa. Something’s been off since his fight with Lance, and while he knows it’s a Lance related feeling, he’s shocked at how many aspects of his life Lance reached.

“Tell me about it?” Acxa asks carefully.

“I mean nothing’s changed over the past week,” Keith starts with a sigh. “He barely says anything to me, even when I talk to him directly.”

“I mean you did majorly fuck up.”

“Thanks Acxa.”

“No no, sorry, I didn’t mean it like that,” Acxa musses Keith’s hair playfully. “I meant it might take him a while to come around.”

“What if he never does?”

“Then you struggle through the next two or so months living together, you move out, and try to move on.”

“But I want to fix it.”

“I know Keith, but sometimes there are things out of our control.”

“Can you not be a therapist for one second?” Keith bats at Acxa. She leans away laughing.

“I’m sorry Keith, this is just who I am. Love me.”

“Tragically, I do.”

“Harsh.”

Acxa rolls her eyes at Keith, taking a sip of her coffee. “So seriously. How are you?”

“I don’t really know. It’s weird. He was always so talkative and now it’s just silent. I don’t know what to do with it.”

“And you’ve tried talking to him?”

“I mean not explicitly about… you know… but yeah I’ve tried to start conversations and he barely responds or sometimes he doesn’t even answer.”

“It sucks, but I think you just have to wait it out.”

“I know. I just hate not knowing anything. The only thing I know is that I can’t do anything.”

“Yeah.”

 

__________________________________________________________________

Dear Lance,

You once said you’d wait for me

I’m waiting on you

I’ll wait as long as you need

__________________________________________________________________

Keith: Hey I know this is weird, but can I ask you something?

 

Hunk: Sure, what’s up?

 

Keith: What can I do to make things right with Lance?

 

Hunk: Honestly, I don’t know.

Hunk: I know that’s not helpful.

 

Keith: It’s all good, I was just wondering

 

Hunk: In all honesty, he hasn’t said anything about it.

Hunk: He told Pidge and I what happened after Pidge asked why you two weren’t hanging out anymore. 

Hunk: He explained it, and that’s it. Nothing else to report.

 

Keith: Gotcha

 

Hunk: I’m sorry, dude.

 

Keith: It’s ok

Keith: I just miss when he didn’t hate me

 

Hunk: He doesn’t hate you.

Hunk: You just need to give him time to accept that you care about him.

Hunk: Even though you did ghost him, and then figured it out, and then didn’t tell him, while also comforting him over the loss of… well… you.

Hunk: Yeah, he might hate you a little bit.

 

Keith: Awesome. Thank you Hunk.

 

Hunk: If it helps at all, Lance is really bad at holding grudges. Just give him the time. He’ll come around.

 

Keith: Yeah. But the waiting is the worst part.

__________________________________________________________________

Dear Lance,

Henry David Thoreau once wrote “I should not talk so much about myself if there were any body else whom I knew as well.”

I guess that’s what I’m doing with these letters other than fulfilling a class requirement.

I’m talking to myself because I can’t talk to you.

Remember that time when we watched Dead Poets Society? 

I hope you know (you don’t) that every time they said “seize the day” I almost told you.

I didn’t though because I was scared you’d react the way you did.

And in all honesty, I was scared to lose you.

I’m still scared to lose you, even though I think I already have.

 

“And not, when I came to die, discover that I had not yet lived.”

 

I don’t want whatever we had to be over. I want to grow with you. I want to learn everything about you. I want to love you. Maybe I already do. 

 

When I came to college, I was set in my ways. I was ready to not let anyone in. 

 

You changed my mind. But then you proved me right.

 

Was it worth it? To let you in? 

 

Yes. It was and that’s the scariest part.

__________________________________________________________________

“Hey Lance. I’m about to head over to Acxa’s for game night, wanna walk with me?”

Lance abruptly pauses in tying his shoes.

“Yeah, ok.”

They walk in silence.

Keith can’t pretend he’s not hurt the second the Lance he is so accustomed to bursts out of the Lance he’s been living with the second he sees Pidge.

He misses this energetic Lance. He misses this talkative Lance. The Lance he lives with sees right through him. 

 

__________________________________________________________________

Dear Lance,

“Everything I’ve loved, I’ve loved it straight to death.” -Ethel Cain

Since I know you’ll never see this, I’ll say it. I can’t keep doing this. I can’t be this close to you, knowing you can’t forgive me. It’s ok. I wouldn’t forgive me either.

If I could go back and change everything, I would.

__________________________________________________________________

 

Later that night, Keith gets up to take a shower at the same time Lance does. He lets Lance shower first. Lance gives him a grateful head nod. Nothing more.

 

__________________________________________________________________

Dear Lance, 

What do I need to do? Tell me.

__________________________________________________________________

 

“Hey. I’m about to run to the grocery store. Do you need anything?”

Lance turns over in his bed. “If you could grab more toilet paper that would rock.”

“You got it.”

 

__________________________________________________________________

Dear Lance,

I think I might be the first person ever to be this excited about buying toilet paper.

__________________________________________________________________

 

“Hey. You ready for game night?” Keith asks.

“Yeah, just let me tie my shoes.”

The two walk down the five flights of stairs together heading for Hunk’s room. When they reach the door, Keith holds it open for Lance.

“Race ya?” Lance offers Keith a small smile before taking off running.

Keith stands cemented to the ground processing what just happened. All he knows is that he needs to sprint to catch up.

 

__________________________________________________________________

Dear Lance,

It’s good to have some of the old rivalry back. Or whatever it was. Who could have imagined I would miss something as stupid as racing you across campus?

__________________________________________________________________

 

“You wanna see a picture of Kosmo?”

“Actaully? Yeah.”

Lance joins Keith on the floor, leaning into his space to see his phone. The sudden proximity feels so familiar. It’s everything Keith has been missing. He slows his breathing. It feels like the slightest exhale will ruin the fragility of the moment.

“She’s nearly grown now,” Lance smiles, reaching over Keith’s arm to scroll back a couple pictures. “I miss her.”

“I do too,” Keith says to Lance’s side profile. 

“Thanks for the update.” Lance removes himself from Keith’s space.

“Any time,” Keith whispers under his breath.

 

__________________________________________________________________

Dear Lance,

“First - Chill - then Stupor - then the letting go -” -Emily Dickinson

I should let you know, the moment I knew it was you was the first time you saw snow.

I love the way your eyes look when they’re filled with wonder.

You were so happy that night. Under those street lights, I thought I saw something. Once I saw it, I had no chance of looking away again.

__________________________________________________________________

 

“Wanna go study in the library for old time’s sake?”

“Oh what they hell. Sure.”

Keith does his best to hide his surprise as well as his joy.

 

__________________________________________________________________

Dear Lance, 

“‘It is not as if,’ the philosopher writes, ‘an I exists

independently over here and then simply loses a you over there.’” -Nomi Stone

 

Do you think things could ever go back to the way they were?

__________________________________________________________________

 

“We need to talk.”

Keith’s least favorite sentence in the English language.

“Yeah. I guess we do.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Wait what?” Keith is genuinely confused. “What are you sorry for?”

“I’ve been an ass,” Lance admits with a grimace.

“You really haven’t.”

“Don’t sugar coat it, Keith.”

“Look. I haven’t exactly loved the silent treatment, but I understand why. I fucked up.”

“Yeah. Still, you should know I don’t hate you. And I’m sorry for leaving you hanging like this. I just need…” Lance trails off.

Keith drowns in the silence while Lance finds his words.

“I know you didn’t mean to hurt me.”

“But that doesn’t fix that fact that I did.”

“Bingo.”

A pause.

“I miss us,” Keith admits quietly.

“Woah,” Lance breathes.

Keith raises a questioning eyebrow. Lance looks away.

“I don’t think we’ll ever get back to where we were- what we were,” Lance takes a deep breath, “but I’d like to try to build something new.”

“Ok.”

“That’s it? You don’t need to walk eggshells around me.”

“Sorry,” Keith laughs to himself, “you have no idea how confusing this all is for me.”

“Welcome to the club buddy,” Lance goodnaturedly punches his shoulder.

 

__________________________________________________________________

Dear Lance, 

 

“I’ll tell you how we’re wrong enough to be forgiven.” -Ocean vuong

 

I normally run from things that make me feel unsafe. I run from uncomfortable situations. I distance myself from people I care about. But you? You’re different.

 

I’ve never fought this hard to stay. I’ve never had anyone fight for me to stay.

 

I guess I should thank you for that.

__________________________________________________________________

 

“Stop, she's precious. I MUST see her again soon,” Lance giggles, scrolling through new pictures of Kosmo on Keith’s phone.

Keith takes a wild leap of faith. “Wanna go visit her this Saturday?”

“Wh-” Lance pauses.

“It was just a suggestion,” Keith laughs it off, “no pressure you don’t have to say-”

“Yes.” Lance finishes the sentence for him. 

“Really?”

“Yeah. Anything for Kosmo,” Lance gives Keith a playful eye roll. 

 

__________________________________________________________________

Dear Lance,

What.

__________________________________________________________________

“Good to see you again Lance!” Shiro greets cheerfully, stepping out of the Beetle.

“Hey Shiro! You as well!” Lance smiles.

Shiro wraps Keith into a quick hug before settling back in the driver’s seat.

“My name is Shiro, I’ll be your chauffeur today!” Shiro jokes, making eye contact with Keith in the rearview mirror. 

Keith kicks the back of Shiro's chair.

“Now is that any way to treat your personal driver?”

“Yeah Keith, play nice,” Lance immediately takes Shiro’s side.

Keith pouts dramatically, earning a laugh from Shiro. 

 

The two hour drive flies by with Shiro’s shitty music, and Lance happily recounting the story of how they found Kosmo. Keith marvels at how well Lance and Shiro get along. He belatedly realizes how crazy this whole adventure is. He still doesn’t know where he stands with Lance, yet here they are, cramped in the backseat of Shiro’s car, heading toward Shiro’s apartment. The apartment that became Keith’s first permanent home since the death of his father. No biggie at all.

When they walk through the door, Lance immediately kicks off his shoes, dropping to his knees as Kosmo creeps out from under the couch to sniff out her new visitor. She immediately butts her head into Lance’s hand, crawling into his lap with happy purrs. 

Keith kneels beside Lance, scratching under Kosmo’s chin. He ignores Shiro’s unsubtle attempts to catch his eye. 

Shiro begs them to stay for dinner (not that they have a choice since Shiro is their ride back to campus), and Keith finds himself sitting on the floor of his room while Lance inspects every inch of it.

“Holy shit. You have Voltron: Defender of the Universe on DVD?! I didn’t even know those still existed.”

“I’m surprised you even know what Voltron is,” Keith is confused, but also impressed, oh and also so heinously whipped.

“Oh yeah,” Lance laughs, placing the DVD back on Keith’s bookshelf, “I was raised on 80s shit trust.”

“Somehow that checks,” Keith chuckles to himself.

“What’s that supposed to mean?!” Lance whirls around with no malice. Keith still flinches.

“I don’t know,” Keith scrambles to recover, “You just give off the vibe?”

He inwardly smacks himself for that one.

“I’m choosing to take that as a compliment,” Lance throws one of Keith’s pillows at his face.

“I meant it as one,” Keith throws the pillow back.

Lance continues exploring Keith’s room, picking up trinkets, and asking about the array of rocks scattered around the various surfaces.

“Where did this one come from?”

Keith leans over Lance’s shoulder to see the rock in question.

“Oh! That one actually has a funny story. Shiro and I were racing our bikes last summer and I hit that rock and totally flipped my bike. There was a lot of blood. I had to keep it as a war relic.”

“Oh my god,” Lance chokes on a laugh, “I’m sorry. I’m not laughing at your pain.”

“You totally are.”

“Yeah I totally am,” Lance dissolves into giggles.

“Fair because it’s funny as fuck,” Keith answers awkwardly. Curse his social ineptness. 

Lance doesn’t respond, instead picking up another rock. “What about this one?”

Keith takes a deep breath. He’s been avoiding any topics that remotely reference their past as Anonymous Lemur and Anonymous Koala. 

“Remember how I told you I was in the foster system for a while?”

Lance pauses for a moment, deflecting the pause with a small smile. “I sure do.”

“Yeah. So that’s from my first foster home. My foster mother had a punch of these on the porch for some reason. I stole one when I moved out.”

“Oh. Sorry for asking.”

“No no you’re good,” Keith discovers his people pleasing side. Or maybe it’s just Lance’s power over him.

“What about this one?” Lance picks up a striped rock. “It doesn’t have a tragic backstory right?” 

“Haha no. That one’s just a cool rock.”

“Indeed.”

Keith attempts to formulate a response. He’s saved by Shiro calling them to dinner.

“And then Keith ate absolute shit- wait I’m sorry pretend I didn’t curse,” Lance’s face scrunches in concern.

“Do I not look young enough to curse around?!” Shiro asks in mock offense.

“No???”

Keith nearly spits out his drink at Lance’s awkwardness.

“Lance,” Shiro smiles gently, “fret not, I won’t tell your mom.”

Lance’s face breaks into a smile, laughing into his plate of fried rice. “Message received.”

“Ok so please do elaborate on Keith eating shit,” Shiro’s smile turns sinister. 

Keith exaggeratedly rolls his eyes at his brother. 

“Well we were racing to the cafeteria,” Lance launches back into the story. “Keith looked back to make fun of me, and promptly tripped over a curb and-” Lance pauses for dramatic effect, suddenly clapping his hands together to mimic the fall of Keith, “literally skids face first across maybe three feet of concrete.”

“Dude it hurt like a bitch.” Despite the memories of patching his face up after losing a fight to a sidewalk, Keith laughs with Lance and Shiro. Something feels so right about the three of them at this tiny kitchen table. It feels like Lance has always been a part of their life.

The drive back to campus after dinner is peaceful. The windows are down, spring air whipping through the car, as Lance reaches an arm out of the car, letting it be lifted by the wind. 

 

__________________________________________________________________

Dear Lance,

You’re beautiful.

__________________________________________________________________

When they get back to the dorm, Shiro wraps Keith in a tight hug, whispering, “core of diamonds” in Keith’s ear.

Keith shoves him away halfheartedly.

Lance offers Shiro a handshake, but Shiro simply wraps Lance into a hug, offering a nonverbal invitation to their wonky little family. Keith smiles as Lance melts into the hug.

They’re standing on the curb waving at Shiro’s retreating taillights when Lance turns to Keith.

“Thank you.”

“For what?”

“Not giving up on me.”

Keith isn’t quite sure what Lance means, but if it’s something Lance needs, Keith will happily provide.

“No problem dude.”

They stand together, enjoying the quiet of the sunset.

“You and Shiro remind me a lot of me and Luis.”

“Luis?”

“My older brother,” Lance clarifies. “He’s old and married so I never get to see him. I wish I did though.”

“Shiro could be married if he stopped dicking around and asked Adam out.”

“Adam?”

“A colleague of his.”

“Gotcha.” 

Another pause.

“Tell me about your family?” Keith tries.

To his shock, Lance launches into a story about his siblings, stopping along the way to explain their interests and funny stories from childhood. He tells Keith about his mom and how much he misses her. He tells Keith about his dad and what an incredible engineer he is. 

Keith listens quietly, realizing just how much he loves the sound of Lance’s voice. They end up sitting on the floor of their dorm, under Keith’s sunset lamp, chatting in an almost normal way. Still, there’s something in the air that Keith can’t quite place. All he knows is he doesn’t like it.

“I’m gonna ask you a question and you totally don’t have to answer but,” Lance audibly inhales, “why did you ghost?”

Ah. There it is. 

Keith takes his time responding, knowing Lance will understand.

“I push people away before they reject me.”

Lance could have ripped that confession apart word by word, scrutinizing Keith for each weakness, but instead he looks at Keith with the softest look Keith has ever received.

“Do you really think I’d reject you?”

“Yes.” Keith hates the speed at which he answers.

“Why?”

“Lived experience,” Keith breathes out. “No one has ever proven me wrong before.”

“And you didn’t think I could be the first?”

“I wanted to.”

“But you didn’t?”

“I guess not,” Keith feels himself sinking further and further into himself. Lance is his lifeline.

“It might not mean anything to you, but I would’ve.”

“I’m sorry.” That’s all Keith can think to say.

“I know you are.”

Keith looks over at Lance. Lance continues staring at the floor.

“I know I’m not saying anything I haven’t already yelled at you, but you ghosting really fucked me up.”

“I know.”

“It’s not that I don’t understand why, I do, it’s just-” Lance exhales, “hard.”

“Yeah.”

“Can I ask you another question?”

“Shoot.”

“If you push everyone away, why haven’t you pushed me away?” Lance gives a spiteful laugh, “other than that one time you ghosted me.” His smile turns sad.

Keith answers with his own sad smile, “I don’t know.” 

 

__________________________________________________________________

Dear Lance, 

I lied again.

I do know why I didn’t push you away.

 

It’s because I love you.

 

-Keith 

__________________________________________________________________

Notes:

Ok but imagine actually turning this shit in for a grade. Me personally, I could never. Keith you’re very brave, or maybe you’re just heartbroken and can’t think about anything else.

Anyway. Three cheers for Klance healing??

Six cheers for queer poetry????

Also I wrote this while listening to Ethel Cain’s new album and that shit destroyed me ngl. 

Chapter 11: A Little Less Sixteen Candles, A Little More “Touch Me”

Summary:

SUNSET SCENE SUNSET SCENE (one more time) SUNSET SCENE

Oh and also Lance is canonically good at baking so I had to incorporate that.

Also Rover makes an appearance??

Yeah this chapter covers a lot of ground. We’re nearly past the slow part of the slow burn! On to the burn!

“Hey I’m running to the grocery store for toothpaste, you need anything?”

“Low key I’ll just come with.”

Lance is already halfway out the door before Keith processes what is happening. 

“Hey hold on lemme grab my shoes.”

“Hurry up loser,” Lance peeks around the door frame as Keith scrambles to lace his boots.

The two begin the long journey down the stairs in awkward silence. Keith’s brain is working a mile a minute trying to come up with something to say. Is there really anything to say? Usually Lance fills the quiet with a story or petty gossip and Keith listens. Keith isn’t used to the burden of conversation falling to him.

As soon as they reach the main road, Keith switches places with Lance on the sidewalk so that Lance is farther away from oncoming traffic.

“And they say chivalry is dead,” Lance says almost to himself.

They continue the walk to the grocery store, Lance looking at the sky and Keith looking at the ground.

“That cloud looks like a dog with a stick in its mouth.”

“Huh what?” Keith follows Lance’s pointing finger to find a cloud that does in fact look like a dog with a stick in its mouth. “Wait it so does.”

“And that one looks like a shark.”

“I think it looks like a fish,” Keith squints.

“So… a shark.” Lance laughs.

Keith will never take Lance’s laughs for granted again. 

“I mean I guess but I’m seeing a bass.”

“Dude how?! Look, the dorsal fin is right there,” he points.

“I don’t see it.”

“Oh my god,” Lance grabs Keith by the front of his shirt, pulling him in close until Keith’s head is right next to his own. Keith hates the way he flinches.

“See it’s like,” Lance traces the fin with a finger, “right there.”

“I still don’t see it,” Keith scoffs, attempting to follow Lance’s drawing in the air.

“Ok so you’re fucking blind,” Lance rolls his eyes, shoving Keith away. 

Keith nearly stumbles off the sidewalk.

“Man I don’t see a shark in the clouds and you shove me into traffic?”

“Yup!”

They continue arguing about the shapes of clouds until they make it to the grocery store. It feels so normal Keith almost forgets he’s been walking eggshells for the past three weeks. It feels so normal Keith is almost convinced things could go back to the way they were before.

Something about this wild roller coaster ride with Lance makes Keith wonder. What is it about Lance that draws him in like a magnet even though he’s done his best to fight it? Despite his every effort, he finds himself falling further and further into Lance, and he can’t remember when he decided to stop fighting. 

Is Lance in the same boat? Or is he just trying to make it through the remainder of the semester before he can move out and never speak to Keith again? They’ve tried their hand at hating each other. They’ve tried their hand at being indifferent. What now?

Lance jump scares Keith in the cereal aisle.

“I thought you were here for toothpaste.”

“Toothpaste and then some,” Keith admits with a smile.

Maybe they could try their hand at loving each other.

They walk back to campus together, enamored by the way the setting sun makes the sky look like it’s on fire.

When they get back to the dorm, they put their groceries away before Keith summons the courage to grab Lance’s wrist, pulling him out of their room again.

“Where are we going?” Lance raises an eyebrow at Keith.

“I wanna show you something.”

“Oh?”

“Shut up and trust me.”

Mercifully, Lance does just that, following Keith through a door that clearly reads “Staff Only.”

“Hey so just a question,” Lance jogs to catch up to Keith, “is this illegal?”

Keith throws a smirk over his shoulder, “probably.”

They climb an incredibly sketchy maintenance ladder, finding themselves on the roof of the dorm.

“Oh this is definitely illegal,” Lance starts before catching the view of the sunset. “But totally worth it,” he concedes, letting out a breath.

Keith stays quiet, grabbing Lance’s wrist again, leading him over to the ledge and sitting down.

“Another question,” Lance sits down next to Keith, “is this part of your elaborate plan to push me off a five story building because I’d prefer to not die today.”

“I’m not gonna push you off the building Lance,” Keith pushes his hair out of his eyes.

“How did you even find this place?” Lance asks eventually, watching as the sun disappears over the horizon.

“I saw a door I wasn’t supposed to go through, so I went through it,” Keith answers matter-of-factly.

“Classic Keith,” Lance shoves Keith’s shoulder gently.

“I used to do homework or read up here last semester before it got too cold.”

“Wait. You found this place last semester and you never told me about it?!”

“Dude if you don’t remember, you hated me. I kinda avoided talking to you unless I had to,” Keith laughs at Lance’s offended expression.

“Hey I didn’t hate you, who said I hated you.”

“Uh I don’t know,” Keith shoves Lance back, teasing, “maybe the fact that the only things you said to me were insults??” He raises his eyebrows at Lance, daring him to dispute. 

“Ok fair,” Lance laughs, throwing both hands in the air in defeat. “But for the record I didn’t and have never hated you. Even after…”

Keith stays silent, giving Lance the time to find his words. 

“I think I was just upset and confused.”

“Confused?” Keith asks.

“Yeah.” 

Lance doesn't elaborate further, leaving Keith’s head spinning with questions. 

“I mean you know this because I told you when I didn’t know it was you, but even though I know I come on way too strong, I’m all words with nothing to back it up. I put on this mask every day of an overly confident person, and I don’t know why.”

“I do the same thing,” Keith admits to the sunset. “Something about overcompensating for whatever you’re insecure about.”

“Yeah exactly,” Lance pauses, “can I be really honest for a sec?”

“Sure.”

“I was jealous of you. Or I guess I was jealous of Koala. He was so confident in himself, so sure of what he wanted. I wanted that. And maybe it felt like talking to him gave me that same confidence. Talking to you gave me that.”

Keith turns to Lance in surprise.

“What if I told you I was jealous of Lemur, well, you, for the same reason. You made me feel seen. You were the first person, outside Shiro, who actually cared to know the real me and not the me I present to everyone else.”

“Well isn’t that a predicament,” Lance laughs, “and you pushed me away because you were scared of that feeling?”

“Yeah. I’ve never told anyone as much as I told you. Shiro only knows it because he experienced it with me.”

“Thank you,” Lance nearly whispers.

“For what?”

“Trusting me. Giving me the chance to actually be me. Convincing me that you were confident because it helped me find myself.”

“Lance, you have always been the kind of person who knows exactly who he is and what he’s got to offer. Even if you don’t see it yet.”

“I don’t know how you see that,” Lance shakes his head, “I feel like I’ve never known my place in this world.”

“Really?”

“Really,” Lance gives a sad laugh, “hell I mean you’re the one who helped me really accept my bisexuality.”

“What?”

“Yeah. Your confidence in who you are and who you love broke down a lot of shit I’ve been dealing with for years.”

“So what I’m hearing is you liked my internet persona,” Keith smirks at Lance, poking his shoulder.

“Hey now don’t get ahead of yourself,” Lance pokes Keith incessantly.

“I really don’t understand,” Keith begins after Lance nearly topples off the ledge as a result of their shenanigans, “how you don’t see how special you are.”

“Woah Keith Kogane being nice to me?!” Lance smirks, pushing into Keith’s personal space.

“Oh shut up,” Keith laughs, shoving Lance away with a palm to his face. 

“But I mean it,” he adds as Lance sputters around his hand.

“And I don’t understand why you think anyone wants to know a version of you that isn’t the real you,” Lance grabs Keith’s hand, pulling it away from his face. “The you I know now is a lot cooler than the you I knew last semester.”

“Doubt that.”

“Yeah. This version of you is tolerable.” This time, Lance is ready to dodge Keith’s halfhearted punch.

“This version of you is tolerable too,” Keith smiles. 

More than tolerable. As in Keith is completely and utterly in love with Lance.

 

***

 

The second Keith walks into the dorm after class, he smells burning. The knowledge that his nose works better than the dorm smoke detectors isn’t at all concerning. For sure.

He follows the smell down the hall to the communal kitchen, opening the door to find Lance inspecting the open oven.

“Woah what are you doing and are you trying to burn down the building because if you are I’m probably gonna have to report that.”

Keith instantly regrets saying anything. Will Lance react poorly? Will it reverse all of the progress they’ve made?

“Oh hey Keith. What’s up?”

Huh. Everything seems fine??

“Nothing much. Should I be afraid for my life right now?”

Maybe this is their chance at normalcy. 

“Nah. You may find this hard to believe, but I didn’t burn anything.”

“See I’m smelling very strong evidence against your case,” Keith comments.

“Hey I’m the pre-law major here! I don’t need your sass!”

Yeah. Everything seems normal. What.

“Ok fine,” Keith relents, “but if you’re not burning down the kitchen, who is?”

“Some idiot who didn’t clean out the stove after they used it.”

Keith peers into the oven, observing the mess of burnt food bubbling onto the bottom of the oven.

“Holy shit you weren’t kidding.”

“Of course. I am a very serious person.” Lance nods with an air of overplayed confidence.

Yup. Very normal. Almost like…

Keith grins rolling his eyes, “right yes. So serious.”

“Anyway, I turned off the oven, but I have to wait until it’s cool enough to clean and then I can finally put the cookies in.

“You’re making cookies? What’s the occasion?”

“Pidge birthday tomorrow.”

“Wait, I'm a bad friend. I had no idea.”

“Nah you’re not a bad friend, they don’t tell anyone their birthday voluntarily.”

At this point, Keith just needs to accept that their old dynamic is back. Whatever that means.

“So how did you find out?”

Lance throws his head back in laughter, sitting down at the kitchen table. He gestures for Keith to take the chair opposite him. Keith does.

“Basically we were at the state science fair last year, and Pidge’s project, this robot they named Rover, went rogue.”

Keith gawks, “no way. I don’t believe that Pidge would ever program something with that big of a flaw.”

“Exactamundo Keith. You’re a smart one.”

Keith attempts to hide his blush by propping his head up with a fist to his cheek, letting his hair fall over his face. This proves to be a huge mistake as Lance casually reaches across the table, brushing Keith’s hair out of his eyes as he continues his story like it’s nothing. Flustered beyond belief, Keith tries to catch up with Lance’s story.

“Basically the guy who wasn’t even close to Pidge in the robotics division of the science fair hacked Pidge’s project in an attempt to rig the competition.”

“No way.”

“Yes way. It was crazy. One moment Rover was fine, floating behind Pidge like some guardian angel, and the next moment, all of the green lights turned purple and it fucking exploded, POW,” Lance immitates the sound of the explosion, miming it with his arms.

“That’s insane,” Keith laughs in shock, “was anyone hurt??”

“Well…” Lance pulls an arm into his shirt, pulling it up to expose his back. Keith blanches.

“Hold your jets Keith, I’m not getting naked for no reason,” Lance rolls his eyes. He turns around showing Keith a spiderweb like scar across his right shoulder.

“Oh my god.”

“Yeah. It was pretty rough. I saw the lights turn purple and I knew something was wrong, so I tried to push Pidge out of the way. I got us both mostly out of the blast radius, but I ended up with this scar and Pidge caught a pretty big piece of metal in their leg. Hospitals suck, but they’re manageable if you’re there with one of your best friends.”

“Jesus, Lance. I’m glad you weren’t more hurt,” Keith breathes out, running a finger over the raised scar on Lance’s shoulder. 

“It’s all good really. Fuck matching tattoos, we have matching scars!”

Keith huffs a laugh.

“Anyway, that was a very long winded way of telling you that I know Pidge’s birthday because I was there when they told the nurse.”

“Wild.”

“Yeah Keith,” Lance rolls his eyes at Keith’s lack of language skills, “wild.”

Lance slips his arm back through his sleeve, getting up to inspect the oven again. It’s cooled off a good bit, so Lance grabs the sponge by the sink and begins to scrub at the charred food.

“Like what you see?” he throws over his shoulder, jolting Keith to the reality that he has, in fact, been staring at Lance.

“I-uh.”

“Ever the wordsmith,” Lance jests, returning to cleaning the oven. “Tell me a story.”

“Um,” Keith starts, searching his brain for a good story. Being put on the spot like this makes him forget everything that has happened to him ever.

“Tell me about an ex or something,” Lance prompts.

“No exes,” Keith grimaces even though Lance isn’t looking at him, “do I really strike you as the dating type?”

“Maybe?” Lance answers from the oven.

“Well no. I’m not exactly prince charming.”

“Eh. You have the potential.”

Keith is immensely grateful that Lance currently can’t see his face. This sudden shift in their dynamic is really throwing him off. Not that he’s complaining or anything. 

“What about that scar on your jaw?” Lance asks as if he hasn’t just rocked Keith’s world.

“I fell out of a tree when I was eleven.”

Lance stifles a laugh, “what?!”

“Yeah, there was this tree outside my window at the foster home I was staying at. I was trying to climb down it and fell.”

“Were you trying to run away?”

“Yeah.”

“Well did you succeed?”

“Nah. I hit my head pretty hard on the way down.”

“That explains a couple of things,” Lance emerges from the oven.

“Ok no need to be a rude little bitch,” Keith kicks at Lance’s shins.

“See, you’re just proving my point,” Lance responds haughtily, preheating the oven for a second time that night. “Hey, will you hand me that bag of flour over there?”

Keith brings the flour to Lance, unknowingly signing himself up for a baking lesson from Lance. He ends up measuring the dry ingredients as Lance instructs him. Turns out, Lance is really good at baking and Keith is… awful.

“Dude what are you even doing?”

Keith flicks flour in Lance’s face in response.

Of course, as is typical, this begins a war between the two. A war that only ends when the kitchen is covered in flour, and Lance has shoved a handful of chocolate chips in Keith’s mouth.

“God are you gonna let me finish these in time for Pidge’s birthday or not,” Lance brushes flour from Keith’s cheek.

“Mmmfphmf,” Keith responds around the chocolate chips, sending Lance into another fit of laughter.

Keith is only slightly helpful at rolling the cookie dough and placing them on the baking sheet. Once the cookies are in the oven, Lance sits down at the kitchen table, setting a timer on his phone.

“We should probably clean up the kitchen,” Keith suggests, looking around at the mess of flour that has somehow made it up the walls and onto the ceiling.

“Yeah probably,” Lance catches the wet rag Keith tosses to him.

“Ok your turn. Tell me a story,” Keith begins wiping off the stove top.

“Uh… ok so when I was really little, my brother Marco tried to teach me how to surf. I almost drowned.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah. I got caught up in this big wave,” Lance animatedly mimes the wave, “I got spun around so much I didn’t know which way was up.”

“Well I’m glad you didn’t drown.” Keith responds carefully.

“Yeah me too.”

When the timer for the cookies goes off, the kitchen is clean… enough. Keith and Lance grab the cookie sheet and flee the crime scene. Once back in their room, Lance places the cookie sheet on a towel to cool.

 

Acxa: you coming to movie night tonight?

 

Keith: Duh

 

“Hey are you going to the movie night at Pidge’s tonight?” Keith turns back to Lance.

“So that’s what the cookies are for…” Lance waits for Keith to connect the dots.

“Holy shit tomorrow is Pidge’s birthday? And movie night is their birthday party?”

“Bingo.”

“Damn I feel out of the loop.”

“And that would be your own damn fault for not checking the group chat.”

“I did! Only movie night was brought up, not Pidge’s birthday party!”

“Right so we made another group chat without Pidge in it…” Lance prompts. It’s not ringing any bells for Keith. “It’s a surprise birthday party because Pidge hates their birthday…” Lance tries again.

“Yeah so I totally missed that.”

“Damn buddy. Anyway we’re celebrating tonight since movie night is tonight so everyone will be together, and Pidge won’t suspect a thing,” Lance smiles knowingly.

“I should’ve gotten them something.”

“Nah you’re all good. The cookies can be from both of us. You sort of helped.” Lance pulls a notecard from his backpack

        Happy Birthday Pidge! Hope your birthday is sweeter than these cookies :)

“That’s cheesy as fuck,” Keith still takes the pencil from Lance to sign the note.

        Love from Lance and Keith.

 

An hour or so later, Lance rips Keith’s headphones from his ears. Keith isn’t even surprised, finishing the sentence he was typing and hitting the submit button before acknowledging Lance.

“Dude what are you listening to that constitutes it being loud enough for me to hear through your headphones from the other side of the room.”

“From Under the Cork Tree.”

“As in Fall Out Boy? Really?”

“Do NOT insult Fall Out Boy in front of me!” Keith exclaims, snatching his headphones (still blaring Sugar, We’re Goin Down).

“No no it wasn’t an insult. That album rips.”

Keith freezes in bewilderment. “You know From Under the Cork Tree?”

“Dude I don’t live under a rock. Of course I do.”

“Sorry, I’m just surprised you actually listen to good music.”

“Hey now!” Lance shrieks, “Of course I listen to good music.”

“Ok then. What’s your favorite song on the album?” Keith counters.

“Either Xo or Sugar We’re Goin Down. Did I pass your test?”

Keith thinks for a moment. “Yeah I guess so.”

“Did you know the original lyrics in Sugar were supposed to be ‘wishing to be the friction in his jeans’ instead of ‘wishing to be the friction in your jeans?’” Lance asks, one sultry eyebrow raised.

“Duh. It makes the lyric ‘watching from the closet’ hit that much harder.”

“Exactly! Because-”

“Gay,” they both say together, dissolving into laughter at the jinx.

“Ok Keith, what’s your favorite song on the album?”

“Nobody Puts Baby In the Corner.”

“Wow. Wasn’t expecting that. I mean any song on the album is a good choice, but I wouldn’t have guessed that.”

“I just really like the line ‘I’ll be your best kept secret and your biggest mistake,’ I don’t know why.”

“Hm. Feels applicable to us.” There’s a hint of shyness in Lance’s voice.

“Oh so I’m your biggest mistake?” Keith quirks an eyebrow.

“Yup!”

“Oh fuck you!”

“I jest, I jest,” Lance squirms away from Keith. “Anyway, it’s time for movie night if you’re coming.”

“What movie are we watching?”

“I think Pidge wanted to watch Atlantis. ”

“They love that movie don’t they,” Keith shakes his head even though he’s already reaching for his shoes.

“Yeah. Apparently Milo Thatch was the cause of their initial gender crisis,” Lance offers a hand to Keith.

“That actually makes all the sense in the world,” Keith takes Lance’s hand, pulling himself off the floor.

“Did you ever have a gay awakening from a character?” Lance asks as they make their way to Pidge’s dorm, cookies in tow.

“You’re gonna make fun of me.”

“I won’t! Promise?” Lance offers Keith a pinky.

“Fine,” Keith accepts the pinky promise, “Hiccup from How to Train Your Dragon.”

Lance instantly bursts into an ugly chortle.

“You promised you wouldn’t make fun of me!” Keith can’t help but laugh with Lance. His laugh is infectious.

“I am in fact breaking that promise and I am proud of that,” Lance stutters around his laughter, “But you’re real as hell for that.”

“Ok who was your gay awakening character then?!”

“Nico from Percy Jackson.”

“Dude he’s literally me in another life.”

Lance takes a moment to give Keith a full up and down. Keith does his best to remain chalant. His non-chalant ass fails miserably.

“Yeah you look just like that one jank ass picture of him where he looks like Gollum.” Lance runs before Keith can process what he said.

“Die actually.” Contrary to his words, Keith is smiling as he takes off in pursuit of Lance.

When they get to Pidge’s dorm, they are met with streamers and balloons, accepting party hats from a very courteous Hunk. Lance arranges some of the cookies on a plate, scanning the room for Pidge.

“They’re not back from class yet. You could call this a surprise party,” Hunk smiles mischievously, all previous diplomacy thrown out the window.

“Hunk you sly bastard,” Lance throws his arm around him. 

Acxa arrives shortly after, immediately depositing her bag and shoes in a heap by the door.

“Damn Acxa, you’re not even gonna show the most basic manners?” Keith tosses the insult at her as she wraps him into a bone crushing hug.

“I’ve been over here loads of times, Pidge doesn’t care.”

“Hold up. You and Pidge hang out without us?” Lance interjects.

“Oh yeah. We have weekly coffee with the sole purpose of talking shit about you!” Acxa responds, ever quick on her feet. 

“Well goddamn,” Lance shakes his head. “Keith, did you know anything about this?”

“I can only assume they’re also shit talking me during these coffee catch ups so no. I had no clue.”

“I knew!” Hunk adds helpfully.

Lance rounds on Hunk, “buddy don’t pretend like you’re not involved half the time.”

“I know my rights and they are to remain silent,” Hunk gives Lance an impertinent smile. 

“Pidge just texted saying they’re on the way back from class,” Acxa interrupts, “We should probably hide or something. Really make the most of the ‘surprise’ part of this party.”

No one argues.

Hunk turns off the lights as the others hide, Lance crawling under the table with Keith.

“Well hello,” Keith whispers.

“Hey yourself,” Lance whispers back.

Everyone expected Pidge to be scared. Everyone was NOT expecting Pidge to pull a taser. Thankfully they recognize Lance’s face before absolutely frying him. 

“Jesus Pidge, can’t we have a little bit of fun?!” Lance is jumping up and down from the adrenaline of almost being tased. 

“But tasing you is my kind of fun,” Pidge pouts, punching Lance in the stomach.

“God you’re a gremlin,” Lance retreats to safety as Acxa and Hunk hug Pidge, wishing them happy birthday. 

They dig into the cookies (thank you Lance and Keith), and vanilla icecream (thank you Acxa), before settling down to watch the movie. Keith chucks a balloon at the side of Lance’s head (thank you Hunk). 

Acxa starts the movie from where she’s curled up on a beanbag. Hunk settles down on the opposite end of the couch from Keith, while Pidge makes themselves comfortable on another beanbag. Lance hops over the back of the couch, somehow not dropping the plate of cookies he’s carrying, sliding down into his seat next to Keith.

It’s been a long week for everyone, and Hunk is asleep before they even reach the city of Atlantis. Acxa is quick to follow, and Pidge is locked into the movie chewing a cookie slowly.

Lance scoots closer to Keith on the couch. Keith pretends he doesn't notice. 

Lance scoots even closer, and Keith wraps an arm around him. It feels so natural.

Lance’s head drops onto his shoulder in sleep. Keith lets his head rest on Lance’s, taking in the smell of his shampoo.

Maybe things won’t go back to the way they were. Maybe they’ve created something new. Keith is ok with “something new.”  

More than ok actually.

 

Pidge: Damn. Making moves on MY friend at MY party?!

 

Keith: Shut up

 

Pidge: No no it’s kinda sweet

 

Keith: Don’t make me get up and punch you

 

Pidge: On my birthday?! So rude Keith

 

Keith: It’s not technically your birthday yet

 

Pidge: Yeah whatever

Pidge: I just want to make sure you know I don’t condone this level of homosexuality

 

Keith: Pack it up Pidge you’re the one who made the ship name 

 

Pidge: Fuck. Fine. I will still make fun of you

 

Keith: I’d expect nothing less

 

Pidge: I knew it was you btw

 

Keith: Knew what was me

 

Pidge: Koala

 

Keith: How?

 

Pidge: Remember that one movie night you walked in on and we invited you to join?

 

Keith: God that was ages ago

 

Pidge: You were texting on Canvas and it wasn’t a submission box. I put the pieces together

 

Keith: Why didn’t you tell him if you knew?

 

Pidge: You needed to tell him yourself

Pidge: Just like you need to tell him you like him

 

Keith: I will

 

Pidge: I mean it Keith

Pidge: And please be careful. He doesn’t fall in love easily and when he does he falls hard. He really cared about Koala and I don’t know how that’s translating now that he knows you’re Koala, but you ghosting really tore him up

Pidge: I hope you know what you’re doing

 

Keith takes a moment to process everything Pidge has just said. Lance was in love with Koala? Does it translate to him? Where does Lance stand after everything that has happened?

 

Keith: I think you know this, but I really care about him

Keith: I won’t hurt him again

 

Pidge: Good because if you did I’d have to kill you

Pidge: And tragically I don’t want to kill you

 

Keith: Tragically?

 

Pidge: Don’t worry about it

Keith puts his phone down returning his attention to the movie. Or trying to. It’s hard with Lance’s head on his shoulder and his breath on his neck.

He has to tell him. The question is how.

Notes:

guys I’m losing my mind they’re so cute. i’m literally kicking my feet over shit that i wrote. what even is this?!

anyway enjoy fluffy klance! more fluff to come!

i love you all thank you for reading :')

Chapter 12: Get Busy Living or Get Busy Dying

Summary:

Uh they're super cute and super gay.
That is all.

“Keith!”

“Lance?”

“Wanna go study in the library?”

“Sure, I’m down.”

 

~

 

“Lance?”

“Keith!”

“Thoughts on watching the sunset later?”

“Yes. Absolutely yes.”

 

~

 

“I need caffeine stat.”

“Dude, same. Wanna try that new coffee shop?”

“There’s a new coffee shop?”

Ten minutes later, Keith and Lance are well on their way to the new coffee place.

“How did you find out about this place anyway?” Lance is playing soccer with a small rock as they walk.

“I got an ad and it looked cool,” Keith steals the rock from Lance.

“Hey!” Lance steals the rock back.

They enter the coffee shop, abandoning the rock at the door. Keith orders an oat milk latte while Lance gets the sweetest, least coffee thing on the menu.

“I don’t know how you drink that,” Lance rolls his eyes as they sit down with their drinks.

“I don’t know how you drink that,” Keith shoots back, eyeing Lance’s drink with an air of caution.

“The sugar is the part that keeps me awake, not the caffeine.”

“I never would’ve guessed you’re a coffee addict,” Keith kicks at Lance’s shins under the table.

“Yeah… a Red Bull every day for all of senior year will kill a man.”

“I can imagine,” Keith nods in deep concern.

“Look, Pidge and Hunk were always doing their sciency things, and I was trying to balance all of the advanced courses I was allowed to take. Give me a break,” Lance kicks back under the table.

“Hey I get it, but I am also judging.”

“I guess that’s acceptable,” Lance reaches across the table to ruffle Keith’s hair.

 

***

 

Lance: krell dinner?

 

Keith: You know I'll never say no to Krell

 

Lance: yeahhh i’m aware

Lance: we can meet at the dorm and then walk over?

 

Keith: Sure

Keith: You get out of class around 5 right

 

Lance: wait how did you know that

Lance: are you stalking me

 

Keith: Dude we share a room

 

Lance: oh yeah

Lance: but omg you pay attention to me?!?!

 

Keith: I think you should shut your mouth!

 

Lance: but keith there are so many other things i can do with this mouth

 

Keith: Shut up before I cancel dinner

 

Lance: yup ok got it

The semester is rapidly drawing to a close, and Keith simply can’t believe that freshman year went as fast as it did. Finals are right around the corner even though it feels like the semester just began. The sweltering late April heat is the only thing that makes the end of the semester feel real. 

 

Keith is sweating bullets by the time he gets back to the dorm, and it’s only 10 AM. 

 

Keith: Dude I’m freaking the fuck out

 

Shiro: Would it be rude to say “what now?”

 

Keith: Yes

 

Shiro: Ok heard

Shiro: What now?

 

Keith: I hate you

 

Shiro: No you don’t

Shiro: Seriously though, I’m on the edge of my seat

 

Keith: Lance just asked me to get dinner with him

 

Shiro: Like a date???

 

Keith: Wtf no?

 

Shiro: Why not?

Shiro: You guys have been getting a long a lot better as of late

 

Keith: I mean yeah I guess but it’s definitely not a date

 

Shiro: But how can you be sure??????

 

Keith: It’s at times like these when I remember that you’re just an overgrown child

 

Shiro: Look we both come from fucked up family dynamics courtesy of the American foster care system

Shiro: I thought this was a safe space

 

Keith: Enough

 

Shiro: Anyway you should tell him tonight

 

Keith: Tell him what

 

Shiro: Keith I know you’re smart enough to figure it out

 

Keith: You think I should tell him I like him?

 

Shiro: Yeah

Shiro: You’ve been saying you’d tell him for like three whole weeks now

 

Keith: You know I’ve been busy 

 

Shiro: Too busy to get a boyfriend??

Shiro: I call bullshit

 

Keith: I really am sorry for trying to not waste the money we put into tuition by actually doing my homework

 

Shiro: Or you’re hiding behind your work so you don’t have to tell Lance how deeply in love with him you are

 

Keith: Says you

Keith: You and Adam have been running circles around dating for months

 

Shiro: Well actually we made it official yesterday so you have no excuse

 

Keith: Pause really?!?

 

Shiro: Yeah :)

 

Keith: Congrats dude I’m really happy for you

 

Shiro: Thanks buddy

Shiro: But as I was saying, you now have no excuse to not tell Lance

 

Keith: Lemme guess. Adam was the one who asked you out?

 

Shiro: That’s irrelevant

 

Keith: I KNEW IT

Keith: YOU CAN’T TELL ME TO MAN UP WHEN YOU COULDN’T EVEN DO IT

 

Shiro: No need to yell

 

Keith: YES NEED TO YELL

 

Shiro: Ok whatever yes Adam did ask me to be his boyfriend

Shiro: But I was actually gonna ask him the same night he just beat me to it

 

Keith: Uh huh. Sure.

 

Shiro: No I’m serious

Shiro: No matter. You should tell Lance tonight

 

Keith: What if he hates me

 

Shiro: He went through his Keith hating phase already

 

Keith: But what if this is just phase 2

 

Shiro: Or what if he meant for this to be a date

 

Keith: Not helpful

 

Shiro: I hate to say it like this but remember what happened last time you didn’t tell him something…

 

Keith: Ok this is a completely different thing

 

Shiro: Yes, but also Lance has made it clear he appreciates transparency

 

It’s true. Lance has trusted Keith with the information that he’s really not as self-confident as he seems. He’s actually quite insecure. He needs to hear things from people. If Lance liked Keith, he’s not the kind of person to loudly confess his feelings. 

 

Maybe Shiro’s right.

 

Keith: Ok I know you’re right it’s just… idk

 

Shiro: I know

Shiro: It’s hard to put yourself out there

Shiro: Especially when it’s someone you care about

 

Keith: Yeah

 

Shiro: I gotta get back to work but please let me know how tonight goes

 

Keith: No never

 

Shiro: You wound me Keith

 

Keith: Oops

***

 

Keith: Wanna practice being a therapist?

 

Acxa: Always

Acxa: Wanna stop by my dorm?

 

Keith: Be there in 10

 

When Keith gets to Acxa’s dorm, he finds her sitting on the floor surrounded by open books. She’s frantically flipping through one of them, clearly looking for something.

“Uh… you good?”

“Shut up. One sec.”

Keith kicks his shoes off, leaving them by the door, and tiptoeing around the textbooks to take a seat next to Acxa.

She seems to have found what she was looking for, copying something from the textbook into her computer.

“Sorry, I just had to finish my train of thought. What’s up?”

“I’m not disturbing you right, I don’t want to get in the way of your studying.”

“That’s very kind of you Keith, but I need a brain break anyway. Also when did you start caring about my study habits?!”

“Just now!”

Acxa slaps the back of his head, moving some of the textbooks so they can stretch out a bit more.

“What are you studying for anyway?” Keith picks up one of the books, trying to make sense of the brain diagram in front of him. 

“My psychopathology class. It’s a cumulative exam too, so it covers the whole semester. Also my professor didn’t give us a study guide, so I’ve been trying to make my own.”

“That sounds hellish.”

“Oh it is. That’s why I need a brain break. What’s going on with you?”

“Well, Lance may or may not have asked me out??”

“WHAT?!” Acxa sits up staring at Keith in disbelief.

“Ok, so I’m not sure, but he did ask me to dinner tonight.”

“So a date,” Acxa clarifies.

“Well no. It’s not like it’s abnormal for him to ask me to hang out.”

“Yeah, but dinner feels… different,” Acxa ponders.

“I guess,” Keith pulls at one of his earrings, “I could just be totally overthinking it though.”

“Keith, you're always overthinking.”

“Well yes…”

“Ok so here’s what I’m thinking,” Acxa turns to face Keith, “whether Lance thinks it’s a date or not, you can make it a date by telling him you’ve been madly in love with him since like forever.”

“I was afraid you’d say that.”

“Dude. I’ve been trying to get you to tell him for like a month now.”

“It’s been like three weeks actually??” Keith gives Acxa as much sass as he can muster.

“Oh whatever, I was close enough.”

“Tell yourself what you need to.”

“Regardless, I’m in the right because you said you’d tell him a while ago and you still haven’t.”

“I know, I know.”

“Coward.”

“Hey!”

“Just telling the truth dude.”

“Ow.”

Acxa pokes at Keith who is now curled up in a ball on the floor.

“You just have to rip the bandaid off. I know it’s not easy. Especially for you.”

“Ok but what if this is a totally platonic dinner?

“Then it’s up to you. Make it not platonic by telling him.”

“You’re not gonna let go of this are you?” Keith sighs.

“Not until you tell him. Plus you came to me seeking advice. Now you have to take it.”

“I’ll think about it.”

“Don’t think Keith. Just take a leap of faith. You’re good at rushing into things guns blazing without second guessing yourself.”

“That’s like. Not even related.”

“It is because I said it is.”

Keith rolls his eyes at Acxa, jumping as she grabs his face to make him look at her. 

“Keith I mean it,” she says, moving her head to hold eye contact when Keith looks away, “no matter how he responds, you need to get this off your chest. You’ve been needing to get it off your chest for a long time.”

She lets Keith squirm free.

“And selfishly, I’m sick of listening to your whining.”

 

***

 

Did you know that it’s hard to get ready for a date when you live with the person you’re about to go out with?

Especially if you don’t know if it’s a date or just a very flirtatious dinner.

Keith is in the bathroom brushing his teeth when Lance gets back from class.

“Oh hey stranger!”

“Hey! How was class.”

“Fine,” Lance drops his backpack on the floor, sinking into his desk chair with a deep sigh, “it was boring as shit.”

“Tell me more,” Keith mumbles around his toothbrush.

“Basically our professor wasted a bunch of time yapping about useless shit in the beginning of the semester and now he’s trying to cram in everything he was supposed to teach us so that he doesn’t have to change his exam.”

“So he’s punishing you because he wasted your time?” Keith runs his hands through his hair, attempting to tame the mane.

“Yeah, pretty much. He’s the worst.”

Keith emerges from the bathroom to see Lance still sulking in his chair.

“You’re gonna wear that??” Lance sits up quickly the second he sees Keith.

“I was?? But I can change??”

“No, no it’s fine nevermind,” Lance pulls himself out of his chair and to the bathroom. “Give me two seconds.”

Keith, confused, changes into a polo. 

When they finally make it to Krell, the line is out the door. Keith sticks his head through the door quickly, seeing that everyone has decided to study for exams and finish up last assignments over dinner. He reports back to Lance, and the two decide to wait in line, but get their food to go. 

They talk about upcoming exams and final projects as they make their way to the front of the line.

“Wait so you mean your creative writing project was supposed to be a whole semester type project and you’ve barely started it??” Lance’s jaw is on the floor.

“Yeah, and recently I’ve been rethinking the format, so it’s gonna be a bit of a struggle.”

“And you’re still here hanging out with me?”

“Well duh,” Keith digs his hands further into his pockets.

“Aww Keith,” Lance places a hand over his heart, “that’s so sweet you must love me so much!”

Keith is too busy fighting his embarrassment to formulate a response.

Lance doesn’t seem to care, changing the subject to something more safe. Keith lets Lance scroll through recent pictures of Kosmo, taking the opportunity to push into Lance’s space. Lance seems happy to have him there, leaning into Keith.

Even after Keith’s phone is returned to his pocket, Lance remains in his space dropping his head to Keith’s shoulder whenever Keith makes him laugh. Keith knew that he liked to make Lance laugh, but it’s nice to have extra motivation.

As they get closer to the front of the line, Lance gets more and more impatient, tapping rhythms on Keith’s arm with his fingertips, and jumping from foot to foot.

“You’re jumpy today,” Keith comments laughing as Lance freezes in his place.

“Just hungry!”

When they finally order their food, Keith offers to pay and Lance refuses, offering to pay for Keith. They enter an all out argument at the counter, fighting to get to the card reader first. The person taking orders breathes a sigh of relief when the card machine finally pings. 

Lance won the fight if anyone was wondering.

They step to the side to wait for their food, realizing what a scene they made, and then dissolving into laughter at how stupid they must have looked.

Keith looks up mid giggle, to see Lance doubled over with the biggest smile, and falls flat on his face in love. He feels his own wide smile drop into a look of pure awe as he admires the beauty of Lance. Lance is the type of person who brightens every room he walks into. He’s the type of person everyone wants to be like. He's impossible not to fall in love with. 

Lance seems to notice Keith’s silence, looking up at him with wide eyes. The second that brilliant blue meets Keith’s eyes, he understands. It’s Lance. It always has been Lance. It probably will always be Lance. 

“What?” Lance asks carefully.

“Nothing,” Keith replies. He meant to say everything. You mean everything to me.

Lance grabs their food from the counter, grabbing Keith by the wrist and dragging him out of the Café. Keith lets Lance lead him to a shady picnic table outside the cafeteria. Maybe it’s because he trusts Lance. Maybe it’s because he’d follow Lance anywhere.

They dig into their food, Keith laughing at Lance’s satisfied smile when he bites into his sandwich.

He watches as Lance holds out a chip to a squirrel, cheering after the squirrel takes the chip from his hands. 

“You never told me you’re an animal whisperer,” Keith pokes at Lance’s arm.

“Shh Keith! I’m trying to keep my Disney princess status on the DL!!”

Keith erupts into laughter rolling his eyes at Lance. “Well sorry to have uncovered your secret.”

“Oh don’t worry I still have a lot of secrets!”

“Should I be scared?”

“Probably.”

They finish their food, making up stories about the people that walk past them. Keith grabs Lance’s trash, throwing it away for him. When he returns to the table, Lance grabs his wrist, urging him to follow. And of course, Keith follows.

“Where are we going?”

“I have no idea.”

Once sure that Keith won’t run off, Lance releases his wrist, and Keith immediately misses the warmth. He falls into step beside Lance, doing his best to ignore the effect Lance in golden hour has on him. 

They end up settling down under a tree as dusk falls. Lance’s head finds its way to Keith’s shoulder.

“I have something to tell you,” Lance starts.

Keith feels his heart jump to his throat.

“I do too. I-”

“No stop. I need to do this.”

Keith shuts up. 

“Look, I’m sorry for everything that happened.”

Keith’s heart returns to its normal position, but his stomach gives a tumultuous turn.

“Lance, we’ve been over this. You don’t need to apologize for anything. If anything, I should be apologizing to you. I fucked up majorly and I know it.”

“It’s really ok, I’m over it. Just let me apologize ok?”

“Is that why you bought me dinner?” Keith raises an eyebrow at Lance, joking.

Lance doesn’t laugh.

“I guess that’s part of it.”

Keith pauses.

“What’s the other part?”

“Getting to that.”

Lance looks off into the distance, taking a deep breath.

“I think you know this much, but I had a bit of a crush on Koala.”

“I figured as much,” Keith treads carefully.

“Rephrase, I was in love with Koala, but then fell for you.”

“What?”

Lance inhales sharply.

“When?” Keith breathes.

“First day of class party.”

Keith doesn’t respond, processing the information. Lance has liked him since the beginning of the semester? Even through all of the roommate beef? Had that changed since finding out Keith was Koala? Simply what is going on?

“My memory is a bit spotty from that night,” Lance begins, “but I do remember waking up in your bed. I remember rolling over and trying to figure out where I was, and then I saw you were sleeping on the floor. You took care of me and let me sleep in your bed. I guess that’s when I realized you weren’t as much of an asshole as I thought you were.”

“Thank you??”

“Shut up man you know what I mean.”

Keith shuts up.

“Anyway, I guess that’s where it gets super fucked because I was getting over the whole Koala situation and also kinda crushing on you, so when I found out you and Koala were the same… I don’t know, it got really convoluted in my head. I didn’t know what to do, I didn’t know what to think. I was so angry at you, but I didn’t want to stay mad. You fucked up, but I still wanted to kiss you…” Lance trails off.

Keith’s heart returns to his throat.

“I didn’t want to admit it, but when we weren’t really talking- I’m sorry for that by the way- I missed you and how close we were when we were anonymous. I missed how much closer we had gotten in person too. I couldn’t understand why we clicked so well online but not in person. But then we actually did click in person, so when I found out you were Koala… I didn’t know what to do with all of those emotions. It was a lot. Anyway, I don’t know, I guess I wanted to say-”

“I’m in love with you,” Keith blurts, not thinking.

“I’m- wait what?”

“I’m in love with you,” Keith repeats, more confident this time.

Lance freezes, a look of awe on his face.

“Dammit Keith, you really had to go and confess before me.”

“Before you- wait…”

“That’s what I was getting at Keith. I was in love with you and I thought you didn’t love me back.”

“Of course I do,” Keith cuts in.

Lance smiles gently, before surprise-tackling Keith to the ground.

“God can you let me finish one sentence.”

“Sorry, sorry,” Keith laughs, wrapping his arms around Lance’s waist and flipping them.

“I was in love with you, and I thought you didn’t love me back, but then I saw how hard you were trying to make amends. I know you weren’t trying to hurt me, and I guess I realized what a hypocrite I was being. I got mad at you for not telling me something, when for the whole semester I was also keeping a secret.”

“Which is…” Keith asks, inches from Lance’s face.

“That I was in love with your dumb ass.”

“You only love my ass?” Keith pokes Lance’s face.

“Oh shut up idiot,” Lance giggles, pushing Keith back onto his back. “Not that I don’t love that too…”

“Woah! Slow down McClain!” Keith laughs as Lance starts tickling him.

“Don’t deal what you can’t take Kogane!!” Lance howls in laughter as Keith tries to fight him off. 

“God you’re insufferable,” Keith smiles up at Lance.

“Ditto buddy.” 

“So is this a date??” Keith asks, relishing the feeling of Lance’s weight on him. 

“Only if you want it to be… it’s not like this dinner was supposed to be strictly planatonic anyway.”

“You mean platonic?”

“Whatever mullet.”

“Good to know some things will never change I guess,” Keith takes the opportunity to turn the tables, attacking Lance with tickles.

They roll in the grass, laughing way too hard for a public space. Keith flips them back over, bearing down on Lance, a huge smile on his face. 

Lance goes quiet for a second. 

“Are you ok with this being a date?” he asks with uncharacteristic shyness.

Keith grabs Lance’s hand, lacing their fingers together in the grass.

“I don’t mind.”

Lance smiles.

They make their way to the roof of the dorm, settling down under the stars. Keith drops his head on Lance’s shoulder. Lance raises an arm to play with Keith’s hair.

“You know, as much as you claim to hate my hair I’ll never believe you,” Keith sighs as Lance tucks Keith’s hair behind his ear.

“Yes, but I will never stop making fun of it, mullet man.”

They fall into silence again. As they gaze at the stars, Keith can only think about cores of diamonds.

“I really want to kiss you right now.”

“Do it,” Keith challenges.

Lance sits bolt upright. Keith falls over with the sudden lack of support.

“You mean it?”

Keith gives Lance a tiny smirk before surging forward, kissing Lance first.

Lance pulls back in shock.

“Woah. You were serious?”

“Shut up.”

Lance pulls Keith back in, crashing their lips together in a way that shatters all of Keith’s apprehension.

He pulls Lance closer, tilting his head slightly to fit their lips together.

He shudders at how well they fit, body and soul. He can feel the emotions through the way Lance is kissing him. He’s sure Lance can feel it too.

When they finally pull back to breathe, Lance giggles, planting kisses all over Keith’s face.

“I’ve waited way too long to do that.”

Keith responds with a hand on Lance’s cheek pulling him back in.

It’s way too late for a school night by the time they make their way back to their room. Keith’s shirt is grass stained, and Lance’s pants aren’t faring much better, but that’s a problem for later.

Now, they’re kiss drunk, and in love.

Now, Keith squeezes Lance’s hand in his own, and Lance squeezes back.

Notes:

Low key I had to speed run this so I'm very sorry for typos but YAY KLANCE!!!!

Chapter 13: Xo

Summary:

Last chapter for a while! I think I need to take a little break on writing now that school has started, but there will be an epilogue with some of Lance's thoughts in the aftermath of this whole story!!

Enjoy the plot twist that has been living rent free in my head since May.

Anyway, I love you all and thank you for reading :))

Dear Lance, is a collection of poetry and prose in which Keith Kogane explores the meaning of true connection and human self-preservation. Kogane delves into the complexities of forming bonds as a person who has been conditioned to keep all others at a safe distance. How do you open up, how do you learn to trust when it goes against every instinct, every fiber of your being? How do you trust yourself to put your heart, bruised but still beating, into the hands of another? Do you and should you even try? He asks the question many of us are too afraid to ask: what lengths would any of us go to be truly known? In the words of William Shakespeare, “Thou art the thing itself; unaccommodated man is no more but such a poor, bare, fork’d animal” (King Lear III. iv. 113-115). 

 

• Samuel Holt; Chair, Department of English; University of Olkarion 

March 2025

 

***

 

Good evening Dr. Holt,

 

Recently, I have uncovered some emotions that have changed the trajectory of my project. Instead of a series of poems, I am writing an autobiographical piece. Some of the original poems will still be included, but I felt the need to expand beyond the poetry. I began this project as a way to explore the human condition based solely upon my own condition. I am now realizing I neglected one important fact: someone could change my condition. 

 

I have wondered why I am the way I am for a long time, and I was meaning to process that through my poetry, but it’s not all about me. It never has been. It’s about the one person who was able to take a deeply stubborn person and change his view on the world and himself just by being themselves.

 

Because of this, I propose thirteen chapters, following the track titles of Fall Out Boy’s album From Under the Cork Tree. The title will be Falling For A Boy.

 

Thank you for understanding this last minute change in perspective.

 

Sincerely, 

Keith Kogane

May 1 2025

__________________________________________________________________

Dear Lance,

I never imagined myself becoming the victim to my own experiment

I began this project as a means by which to explore and expose the animalistic, self-serving nature of humanity

I believed my conditioning would remain unbreakable, my castle walls fortified, my safety secured

Maybe in a way I was right

This project was supposed to prove that no matter how much humans crave connection, they will always revert to that instinct to save themselves, distance from the danger, hide until the threat has passed

And that is why this project is no longer about me. It is about you. You who are stronger than I.

It can’t be only about me now that you’ve fundamentally changed me

You destroyed everything

You destroyed my well crafted peace

You destroyed my defenses

And then You made me whole

 

As you read, you can see my guard disintegrate 

You see me try to build wall after wall, but somehow, you made a door

You watch me give up the fight in my original ‘Dear Lance’ letters 

Watch as you fill the cracks in my life, watch you finish this project without me asking you to

Watch as you convince me, time and time again, that trusting someone won’t always end poorly

I ran from you and you ran after me

You ran from me but not before you’d convinced me that chasing you was what I was meant to do

 

I am Icarus and you are the sun

But I’ve learned: flying with 

You is worth the risk of the fall

You are worth the risk of the fall

 

Thank you for everything

Love, k

__________________________________________________________________

Notes:

Hello my dear readers!
I hope you enjoyed my little summer project- or I guess. Keith’s Creative Writing project? I’ve had this chapter written since May, and we took some detours from the original story line, so I’m so happy to make it back here. It feels almost full circle :’)

Anyway, thank you so much for sticking with me through this process. In all honesty this fic started because I was pissing myself over the idea of falling in love with someone on Canvas. However, within a couple hours of spitballing a plot, it became ABUNDANTLY clear that Keith had more to say.

In a very personal way, Keith is my savior. I found him when I was learning about myself, figuring out my place in the world, and, like this version of Keith, figuring out where I stood on letting people past my many walls. Keith said it best: “instead of accepting people into my life, I push them away before they can reject me.”

If anything, this story is more mine than Keith’s (except I haven’t found a Lance…) This is a shameless projection of myself onto poor Keith, but it feels canon because Keith feels like me. Isn’t it cool that we find characters that help us process parts of ourselves that are too difficult to process as ourselves?

This whole fic is so meta because it’s a story about Keith, written by Keith, written by me. We out here using the fourth wall line like a jump rope fr. Call it a glorified character analysis of myself… or of Keith… or of both of us and we’re the same…
I’ll stop now. But genuinely it broke my brain when I was trying to figure out the plot. Then I realized it lined up with From Under the Cork Tree, and the rest is history.

Anyway, thank you again for sticking with me and making your way through the hellscape (and gay fanfic where he, in fact, is the protagonist- thank you Acxa) that is Keith’s first year of college. I so appreciate you all!