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“Last one’s gone,” Taylor calls out from the hallway outside the kitchen.
Karlie cranes her neck from where she’s placing the rinsed plates in the dishwasher to look at the door. She rolls her lips, stacking the last plate and bumping the dishwasher closed with her hip, as she waits for Taylor to enter the room. She can’t shake the jittery nerves and uneasiness from her body. It’s the first night she’ll be sleeping here since that night.
Her eyes flutter closed, fingers drumming on the counter, as the memory of Taylor drunkenly kissing her in a crowded room makes its way into her mind. Karlie had thought it would get easier, that the guilt and the shame and the memories of that night —and everything that came after— would slowly fade. They haven’t and it’s been over a month. It’s been forty-four days. She’s been counting.
Karlie has been counting because it’s been forty-four days since Taylor kissed her for the last time.
Karlie had urged herself to not be bothered by it. Had urged herself to understand. To understand why Taylor had grown suddenly cold around her. Distant and reserved and cold. At least for the days after, while the dust settled, until Taylor had returned to her normal self around Karlie again. Except, apparently, her normal self no longer includes kissing or cuddling or pretty much touching Karlie at all.
And Karlie does understand. What came after the concert had been rough and she knows she got the least heat out of the two of them. Taylor had cried for days and she hadn’t even let Karlie hold her while she did it. Karlie knows they fucked up, and she can’t help but feel responsible. She should’ve been more aware, she should’ve stopped Taylor, should’ve put distance between them. She understands, but it still sucks. It really sucks because she had realized she’s in love with Taylor just a month before that night, and now she doesn’t feel she can do anything about it.
It didn’t take all that long for Karlie to take her cue that sleepovers were not going to happen for a while. The first few days, Karlie had simply decided it would be best to spend the night at her own apartment, but when Taylor’s birthday party had rolled around, it had been quite clear that Taylor didn’t want Karlie to stay even after all the guests had left.
That is why Karlie had been surprised earlier tonight when Taylor had insinuated to Karlie that she wanted her to stay over after their girls’ night with Ashley, Gigi, and Martha. It had been a throwaway comment while Karlie helped Taylor open a bottle of wine, something about Dibbles missing her favorite cuddles partner aka Karlie. “Maybe you could stay tonight,” Taylor had said through a blushing smile. Karlie had simply nodded dumbly.
It all especially sucks because Karlie feels like she’s walking on eggshells. Has been walking on eggshells for forty-four days around Taylor, afraid to say or do the wrong thing. Too afraid to make the next move, to ask Taylor if they’re okay, if Taylor still wants her like that even after their mess-up. Karlie truly has no clue. It’s not as if Taylor acts aloof around her or as if she doesn’t joke around with Karlie, but it’s not the same. Before, Taylor would’ve sat next to Karlie at dinner with their friends. Tonight, instead, Taylor had sat on the opposite end, always making sure of keeping some space between them. Space that had never been there before, not even at the very beginning before… everything.
Just before Taylor enters the kitchen, Karlie eyes the half-empty glasses of wine on the counter. She doesn’t want to do this while slightly buzzed, but what other option is there? Every time she tries to bring it up to Taylor —everything she’s feeling, how she worried is that they’re not okay, how much she misses her— the words die in her throat. Maybe all she needs is a little bit of liquid courage. It’s not wrong, right? Just a little bit of confidence to get the conversation started. Karlie downs the remaining wine from her glass.
“Martha said we should hang out again tomorrow,” Taylor says with a grin as she steps inside the kitchen.
“Oh. Yeah, sure. I’ve got no plans,” Karlie says.
Taylor gives her a small smile and eyes the countertops, standing across Karlie from the kitchen island.
“Thank you for cleaning up,” she says. “You didn’t have to.”
Karlie waves her off. Her throat feels tight. “It’s nothing.”
She tries to build her courage, get the words out, steeling herself. Karlie clenches her jaw just before—
“Tay, I—”
“Do you want to watch a movie before bed?” Taylor asks at the same time.
Karlie blinks. The rest of her words die in her throat.
“Oh, um, yeah.”
“I cut you off,” Taylor says, sheepish. “What was that?”
“N-nothing.” Karlie forces herself to not close her eyes and berate herself. “Just that, um—” Her brain scrambles. Say something, anything. “You sure I still have pajamas here?”
Taylor arches an eyebrow. “Yeah,” she snorts. “Like a thousand. And it’s not like you can’t borrow something.”
“Right,” Karlie mumbles awkwardly, plastering a smile on her face.
“Come on. Do you want more wine?”
The urge to say yes is high, but Karlie shakes her head. She’s already buzzed. If she is somehow going to be able to talk to Taylor about this tonight, she doesn’t want to be wasted.
“Nah.”
They climb the stairs to Taylor’s room. There’s an awkward moment where Karlie isn’t sure if she should go to her room— a room she never actually uses but Taylor had decorated for her regardless. Taylor tells her to take something from her closet since they’re going to watch the movie in her room anyway. Karlie only nods, voiceless still.
Everything is so weird. Karlie had never experienced this before — not knowing how to go after what she wants. It’s just that everything that happened after the concert had been so scary. Karlie had only received a scolding from Tree, but she’d been there when Taylor received calls from the label executives, her management, and her parents. Each call had been worse than the last. She hasn’t wanted to add more stress to Taylor’s life, but Karlie really wants to know how and if they’ll be able to move forward — whatever that even means for them.
“These or these?” Taylor asks, exiting her walk-in closet with two pairs of pajamas.
“These,” Karlie says, reaching out for the lightweight t-shirt and pants pair. The other pair is the warm, fuzzy kind and she knows those are the ones Taylor prefers. “Thanks.”
Karlie is saved from having to decide whether to change here or be awkward and run to the bathroom to do so when Taylor starts changing on the spot. It doesn’t mean anything, Karlie tells herself. It’s nothing they wouldn’t do even before things between them began to skirt the fine line between platonic and romantic. Karlie changes too, making sure to not let her eyes linger on Taylor too much.
Under the covers and movie playing, Karlie is still restless. She’s pushed almost to the edge of the bed, making herself focus on the TV and not the warmth emanating from Taylor’s body. By this point, they would normally be playing footsie under the blankets already, but Karlie can’t stop herself from overthinking it. Every touch is different now — had beendifferent for weeks before the disaster. And maybe Taylor will allow it, playful touches under blankets, but Karlie is scared of the rejection. What if all of that is really over? Right now, at least she’s still wondering — the possibility of going back to their usual dynamic is still there. But if Karlie tries something, tries to be tactile in some way, and Taylor rejects her, then it’ll just be confirmation that it’s all over for them. It’ll be confirmation that Karlie is far deeper into whatever this is than Taylor ever was.
Karlie isn’t sure if she wants to find out.
Taylor pulls Karlie from her thoughts with a loud laugh, her blue eyes glint as they fix on the screen in front of them. Karlie can’t help but look over at her, her own eyes lingering on Taylor’s easy, bright smile. Tendrils of blonde hair cascade down the side of her face, fingers carelessly tuck them behind an ear. It makes Karlie feel warm all over. She’s so in love with this girl and she doesn’t even know how to tell her.
Exhaling a subtle sigh, Karlie focuses back on the TV, where Heath Ledger is serenading the shit out of Julia Stiles. Maybe she should serenade Taylor like this. Would Taylor like that? Karlie can’t sing for shit, but maybe she could just do lip-synch? Would Taylor smile and realize Karlie loves her for real? It would be a little crazy. Tree would probably drag Karlie out just like security is dragging Patrick from the field in the movie. But it would be nice, right? It’s a grand gesture. Taylor likes those. Karlie is almost sure she does.
“Do you like grand gestures like that?”
Karlie’s eyes open like saucers when she realizes she just asked that out loud. Crap.
It takes everything inside her to not shrink and melt under the covers when Taylor shifts her entire body on her side to face Karlie.
“Like getting serenaded in front of everyone on a football field?” There’s laughter hidden just under Taylor’s voice, one of her eyebrows arched.
You can’t back down now, idiot.
Karlie summons any and all confidence inside her to turn on her side as well instead of bolting out of the room.
“I guess. Or, like, John Cusack in Say Anything. I don’t know. It’s cheesy, I guess.”
“It is cheesy,” Taylor concedes, but her soft smile sends tingles all over Karlie’s body. “But it’s cute, I think. I don’t know. But I totally dreamt about something like that when I was in high school,” she laughs.
“Yeah?”
“Mm-hmm.” Taylor scoots a little closer to Karlie without looking back to the movie. “What about you?”
“I — I mean, I don’t know. I was never that much into romance in high school,” Karlie snorts. The nerves seep out little by little. It’s just one of those things with Taylor — it’s so easy to just talk to her. At least, most times. “I was way too busy and boys wouldn’t really look at me anyway.”
Taylor scoffs. “Boys wouldn’t look at you? Come on.”
“I swear!” Karlie laughs. “I think I was too tall. Have I shown you my prom photos?”
“You did,” Taylor snorts. “I think those boys were just dumb.”
“I don’t know,” Karlie chuckles. “But yeah, I didn’t really think much about grand gestures back then.”
Taylor scoots a little closer and Karlie mimics her without thinking. Their feet touch under the blankets.
“What about now?”
Karlie tries to ignore the way her heart stutters in her chest because — because she’s for sure imagining Taylor’s voice lowering. She has to be.
She clears her throat quietly. “I guess it would be — what did you say? Cute?” Karlie teases. “It would be so cute.”
“Shut up,” Taylor laughs.
Karlie’s grin almost reaches her eyes, soon breaking into laughter as well. They are both laughing, their heads tossed back as they lean closer on their pillows. Taylor shoves Karlie, and Karlie instinctively catches Taylor’s hand with her own. With their eyes crinkling from their smiles, they meet each other’s gaze as their laughter subsides.
Closer now, Karlie starts to feel that pull again. That pull to be closer, to wrap Taylor in her arms. That pull to touch her and kiss her and hold her. Taylor’s hand feels soft in her own.
Ask her!
Her teeth sink into her bottom lip, eyes fluttering closed for a second to gather herself.
“Tay?”
“Mmm?”
Taylor’s blue eyes are inviting and warm and beautiful. Pools of ocean water that Karlie wishes she could sink herself into. Her cheeks are tinged a soft pink, lips still rosy from the remnants of her lipstick.
“Are we okay?”
A crease forms between those blue eyes Karlie loves so much.
“Of course. What do you mean?”
“After… after what happened. Are we okay?” Karlie’s mouth feels suddenly dry. She makes herself keep her eyes open instead of scrunching them closed to keep her confidence. “I’ve been meaning to ask but I just—”
Taylor twists her hand so it’s wrapped around Karlie’s instead and squeezes tight.
“We are,” she says quietly. “We’re okay.”
Karlie nods, unable to find more words but feeling momentary relief. Except—
“Are you sure?” Karlie asks uncertainly. “B-because I’m—”
“You’re what?”
Karlie bites the inside of her cheek. She can’t just tell Taylor right now. Can’t tell her she’s in love with her like this — feeling so uncertain and worried that Taylor doesn’t feel the same way. It’s all so stupid. Karlie has always been so sure of going after what she wants. What she wants is to swoop Taylor off her feet, make Taylor fall in love with her too.
“I’m just not sure if you still want…” Karlie shakes her head and scoots a little closer. Taylor’s face is barely a few inches away. Karlie can’t help her gaze lowering to Taylor’s mouth for a second. “You’ve been kinda different since, you know… and you don’t really ask me to stay over like before and just — I don’t want to make you uncomfortable and I don’t want to assume anything and just—”
“Kar,” Taylor interrupts her. Her expression is kind though, lips sucked between her teeth throughout Karlie’s ramble. How she’s going to manage to sweep Taylor off her feet with her terrible communication skills, Karlie doesn’t know. “What are you trying to ask me? Like – really ask me.”
Karlie doesn’t really trust her voice or her words anymore. Doesn’t know how to ask what she wants to ask without fully coming clean with Taylor. What she knows, however, is that she’s impossibly close to Taylor, their legs entangled, and Taylor still hasn’t pushed back. Karlie trusts her body instead.
Pushing herself even closer, Karlie unwraps her hand from Taylor and reaches for Taylor’s waist instead, pulling. With their fronts pushed against each other, Karlie can hear Taylor’s hard intake of breath. It gives her a second’s pause, but Taylor doesn’t move an inch. Their mouths are so close that Karlie’s lips tingle from the feeling of Taylor’s breath. Slowly, she moves her hand from Taylor’s waist to her neck, thumb caressing the underside of her jaw.
“Is this still okay?” Karlie asks quietly.
Taylor flutters her eyes open, looking slightly dazed.
“Is that what you wanted to know?” Taylor asks, and her voice is raspy as she speaks.
“Yeah.”
Taylor reaches out, fisting Karlie’s pajama shirt. She pushes her jaw up, her mouth even closer now.
“It’s still okay.”
Karlie can physically feel the weight lifting off her shoulders, the unwanted pressure she’s felt for weeks dissipate instantly. She exhales a sigh of relief, pressing her forehead against Taylor for a second. Just a second before she captures Taylor’s mouth with her own. And it’s like the weeks of uncertainty and longing and want all come crashing down in this very moment. When their kisses would usually start slow and soft —at least when mostly sober like right now— this one… this one feels different. It’s like fire is ensnaring her insides and all around them as she pulls at Taylor’s bottom lip with both of her own desperately.
Karlie feels almost dizzy, with not a clue of where her hands are. She knows they’re wandering, wanting to touch everything and everywhere, unable to focus for too long on just one part of Taylor’s body. They slip under her sleepshirt, pulling Taylor even closer as their tongues meet one another. Taylor whimpers in her mouth, pushing her body closer and rolling her hips against Karlie’s.
They only kiss for a long time, taking turns to explore each other’s mouths, allowing the other to take over and starting again. Karlie loses all sense of time and place. She only knows Taylor’s mouth against her own, the way Taylor’s nipples harden under her fingers, her own moans when Taylor’s thigh slots perfectly between her legs.
Soon enough, unable to even second-guess herself anymore, Karlie slips her hand under Taylor’s waistband and past her underwear. Her eyes roll back at the heat she finds there.
With their foreheads pressed against each other, Karlie can’t help but exhale a moan. “Baby.”
Taylor’s eyes are screwed shut, hips bucking against Karlie’s hand. “Mmm?”
“You’re so wet,” Karlie whispers. Her other hand cups Taylor’s neck. They don’t talk much when they have sex, but Karlie can’t stop herself from saying it. The coil in her belly tightens as her fingers sink further in Taylor’s folds.
Taylor hums, rolling her hips even more. She opens her eyes, blue barely visible from her dilated pupils. She kisses Karlie, soft and slow this time, as she drags her hand under Karlie’s pants too. It’s a tight fit, but Karlie moans quietly when Taylor’s fingers reach her clit.
“You are, too,” Taylor whispers back, almost teasing.
“Yeah.”
Slowly, they roll their hips in unison, bodies and faces so close that Karlie isn’t sure where one of them ends and the other begins. They kiss slowly, fingers drawing circles against clits, taking each other higher and higher.
“I’ve missed you,” Karlie confesses without thinking. She doesn’t even have the brainpower at the moment to regret it.
“I’ve missed you, too. Fuck.”
“Like that?”
“Please.”
Karlie rubs tighter circles against Taylor’s clit. Her own hips roll furiously against Taylor’s hand.
“Are you close? I’m so close,” Taylor gasps.
“Yeah, baby.”
Taylor moans louder. “Call me that again.”
Something in Karlie bursts at that. Her heart, maybe. She bites her lip, staring at Taylor through hooded eyes. Her bangs are sweaty across her forehead, cheeks flushed, and eyebrows tightly knit together. She looks beautiful.
“You’re so pretty, baby.”
Taylor drops her forehead against Karlie’s, moaning even louder. Karlie can feel her own arousal peaking as Taylor’s fingers take her closer and closer to the edge. She can practically feel Taylor’s moans and gasps, their lips touching but not kissing.
“Oh my god,” Taylor gasps.
Taylor goes still in her arms, only her fingers moving against Karlie’s folds, and a high-pitched scream drowns in Karlie’s mouth as she comes. It doesn’t take much longer for Karlie to reach her climax as Taylor still shudders in her arms from the aftershocks. Taylor slumps against her, hands slipping out of pajama pants as Karlie holds her until they recover their breaths.
A giggle bubbles from Taylor’s throat. Karlie looks down to where Taylor is nestled in her chest.
“We missed the movie.”
Karlie looks at the TV.
“Huh. You’re right,” she giggles back. She presses a kiss to Taylor’s head and sinks further into the pillow with a happy exhale.
They lay there quietly for a moment. Karlie is so overcome by utter bliss and relief that she doesn’t even overthink it, happy to just hold Taylor in silence.
“This is always okay,” Taylor says quietly against her chest a few minutes later. Karlie could burst at the seams.
“Yeah?”
“Yeah.” Pressing a kiss to Karlie’s neck, Taylor pushes herself back slightly, meeting Karlie’s eyes. “I didn’t mean for you to think that it wasn’t. I just… it’s been rough.”
Karlie nods. “I know. That’s why I didn’t ask before.”
“But you were right. I was acting a little distant. I’m—” Blue eyes lower, a hint of uncertainty and – and shame, Karlie decides, behind them. They meet Karlie’s aquamarine again after a second. “Things like this always happen when it comes to me. There’s always someone there just – hunting. And my team has—” Taylor trails off in an uneasy exhale.
“It’s okay,” Karlie says softly, fingers brushing against Taylor’s cheek. Taylor gives her a small smile that quickly disappears.
“They’ve made it very clear that – that this cannot get out. That this cannot be a thing in the press again.” Taylor’s voice is quiet, tight but certain. Karlie’s heart clenches in her chest at the apprehension in Taylor’s eyes. “And so I was distant because – because I didn’t know how to act around you knowing that.”
“It doesn’t have to be in the press, Tay,” Karlie assures her, reaching for Taylor’s hand.
“I know but… I’m just worried that – that they’re going to push you away.”
“Your team?”
Taylor shakes her head.
“No. Just – people out there. People with phones and the press and the world. I don’t know. It’s dumb.”
“It’s not dumb,” Karlie says quickly, scooting closer. “But nobody is going to push me away.”
Taylor nibbles on her bottom lip, eyes filled with doubt. “Everything always just crashes and burns.”
“It won’t. Not with me. Not with us. We’re different.”
Taylor practically scoffs, pushing herself away to her side of the bed. Karlie furrows her brows.
“I’m being for real, Tay,” she insists. She closes the distance again, moving to Taylor’s side. She guides Taylor’s face to meet her eyes with her hand. Suddenly full of certainty and confidence that hadn’t been there earlier, Karlie’s voice no longer shakes as she speaks. “Nobody is going to push me away. They can’t. There’s nothing in the world that can stop this. Nothing.”
Taylor sucks her lips between her teeth, momentarily silent at Karlie’s words.
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure, baby.”
A smile tentatively forms on Taylor’s face. She nods.
“I really do like it when you call me that,” Taylor giggles.
Karlie grins but doesn’t say anything else. She kisses Taylor instead, soft and then a little ridiculous, pressing kisses all over her face as the giggles burst out of them like shooting stars.