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Tyler and Josh were inseparable and before Josh, Tyler never believed in soulmates. They’d fallen in love hard and fast. They’d been each others first loves, first times, first everything’s and Tyler wondered how he’d ever survived without Josh’s love.
Josh had helped Tyler overcome his worst demons. The anxiety, depression and suicidal thoughts, all fading because Tyler Joseph lived, breathed and slept Josh Dun.
When Tyler walked into his new classroom on the first day of college, an anxious ball of self hatred and depression, he’d tried his best to keep his head down and stay out the way. The trauma of years of horrific bullying from high school had eaten away at any shred of self confidence he had.
However, wanting to stay unseen while studying music at college wasn’t really practical.
Tyler came out of his shell eventually and made friends with everyone on the course, both the first year students and second years, including Josh Dun.
Josh was kind and gentle, and made it his mission to make everyone feel welcomed and included. He was effortlessly funny and smooth talking.
Josh was also breathtakingly talented and his aura made it impossible for Tyler not to fall for him.
They got paired up to perform together for the first variety show of the course. Josh was easy to be friends with and even easier to work with. They spent countless days together, writing, rehearsing and becoming best friends.
Josh would sit patiently during rehearsals and listen intently while Tyler babbled through whatever self deprecating thoughts came to mind. Josh showered Tyler with praises every day and helped him work through the constant cycle of self destruction and addictions that came his way. Tyler joked that he was better than any therapist he’d ever had and Josh would smile fondly and remind him how strong Tyler was.
Their friendship quickly blossomed into a relationship when Josh kissed Tyler good luck before their performance. Tyler performed the best he’d ever performed that night, soaring with love.
When Josh graduated college, Tyler cried with uncertainty. Josh wiped the tears from Tyler’s cheeks and peppered kisses all over his face.
“Don’t cry baby boy, I promise we can still see each other” Josh had whispered lovingly.
“I’m going full time at the music shop, so when you’re done with classes you can come see me, okay?”
It took Tyler some time to get used to the new routine of not spending every second of college with Josh. But Josh kept his promise and went out of his way to spoil Tyler and make him feel loved. He would drop everything to rush to Tyler when his mind betrayed him and he couldn’t think straight. Or spend hours on the phone when new issues arose and he couldn’t be there physically.
When Tyler’s eating got bad and his mind couldn’t run from thoughts of cold sharp metal and small white bottles, he ended up practically living with Josh. He’d bled his way into every inch of Josh’s life and heart.
They’d spend their Sunday mornings, intertwined in bed, talking about the future and what pets they’d get once they move in together to calm Tyler from panic attacks. Josh would stroke his arms and remind Tyler of the fading marks that represented his strength, his recovery.
Tyler was on top of the world, that was until, the first cracks began to show.
Tyler’s time to graduate was fast approaching and he’d spent the last few months applying to universities. Josh had selflessly been by his side, throughout failed interviews and sleepless nights. Tyler was a different kind of stressed and the lack of sleep made it hard to for them to stay on the same wave length. Tyler’s temper was getting shorter, but the snarky comments and snide remarks seem to bounce off Josh, like water off a ducks back. Tyler would sob apologetically into his chest at night and beg to let him show Josh how much he loved him. Josh would smile fondly and tell him not to worry.
When Tyler finally got his acceptance email, he’d called Josh first. Josh, once again, dropped everything and took him out to dinner that night to celebrate the accomplishment.
When Tyler woke the next morning, Josh wasn’t there. Tyler frowned and called out for him, but there was no response. He found Josh downstairs staring at a blank TV and gently tapped him on the shoulder. Josh jumped slightly and smiled sadly at him.
“Ty baby, come here” Josh spoke horsely, like he’d been crying. Tyler sat down, anxiety blooming in the pit of his stomach. He didn’t dare speak and just waited for Josh to say something, anything.
“I’ve been thinking” Josh began, taking Tyler’s hands in his. Tyler’s eyes began to well with tears, already fearing the worst. “I want you to have the best time at university, you’re so smart and talented and I think you can really shine. But-“ Josh looked away and sighed. “I don’t want to hold you back from having the proper experience and I don’t know if we can really do long distance.”
Tyler’s heart sank and the tears began to flow freely. But the sadness quickly turned into anger.
“What do you mean long distance?” Tyler spat. “It’s not like I’m moving across the country, I’m in the next city over.” He pulled his hands from Josh’s and furiously wiped his tears away.
“Ty babe, I just want you to be happy at university. Like properly happy, not tied down to me.” Josh reached over to engulf Tyler in a hug and despite his anger he melted into the hug.
“I’ll stay with you and help you move in, get you settled and then we should part ways”
“You can’t leave me” Tyler sobbed. He sobbed and sobbed because what the hell was Josh thinking. How the hell would that help. How could Tyler relax and enjoy university while there was a timer on their relationship, counting down every day till the death of their love. How could Josh be so selfish.
That was their first argument. Tyler had yelled while ugly crying and begging and pleading for Josh to stay with him. Josh tried to reason with Tyler, saying it would be for the best, but Tyler wouldn’t take no for an answer.
Tyler needed Josh, who was he without him. There was no Tyler without Josh.
Eventually Josh caved. He held Tyler and apologised profusely, kissing his head and stroking his hair until Tyler fell asleep.
They didn’t speak of university again. Josh went back to spoiling Tyler and Tyler forgot about how broken he had felt.
Josh was his oxygen and he’d never let him go.
Josh went to every college performance and always cheered the loudest. He would beam when gushing about how hard Tyler worked. Tyler would link arms with Josh and scoff saying that it was because of Josh that he could do this. After all, it was Josh that would stay up until ungodly hours to practice with him, or proofread his essays, or hold Tyler while he cried with stress. So of course, Tyler got him front row seats to his final college performance. He’d dedicated his last song to Josh and held back tears while bowing with his college mates as the curtain fell.
Tyler made Josh dinner, and bought him a watch to show his gratitude and Josh hugged Tyler tightly, softly whispering I love yous in between kisses.
The sun shone brightly through Tyler’s bedroom window and he woke up to an empty bed. He frowned and called out for Josh, but there was no response. Tyler found him in the living room sat quietly on his phone. He looked up and smiled sadly. Tyler opened his mouth to question him, but Josh spoke first.
“It’s a beautiful day, why don’t we go for a walk.”
They held hands the whole time, laughing and Tyler beamed as Josh rambled about nothing. They got lunch, went shopping and came back home to watch TV.
Josh stroked his hair as an advert came on. Tyler sighed contently and began to feel his eyelids close.
“Ty babe, I’ve been thinking.”
Tyler’s breath hitched and he shot up to look at Josh.
Josh held Tyler’s hands and stroked his thumbs. Tyler shook his head as anxiety filled his stomach.
“Tyler, you’re okay” Josh reassured. “Let me speak first.” He smiled sadly at Tyler.
“These past few months I’ve been thinking. Thinking about our relationship. And I do love you a lot.” Josh sighed as Tyler’s eyes filled with tears. Josh shook his head and furrowed his eyebrows.
“Tyler don’t cry okay” he said bluntly. The sudden shift in tone took Tyler back.
“Look Tyler, I do love you okay, it’s just recently I’ve been realising that I’m not in love with you anymore.”
Tyler couldn’t breathe. His vision began to cloud as tears streamed down his face.
No
No
Not now
No please
He couldn’t hear anymore as Josh rambled about the relationship.
“-but we can still stay friends okay. I still care deeply for you. I won’t leave you. I promise.”
I promise
“Of course not, I promise” when Tyler asked if there was someone else.
“It’s not your fault, I promise” when Tyler asked if he’d done something wrong.
“I’ll text you, I promise” when Josh hugged Tyler goodbye.
I promise
Tyler sank to his knees and sobbed when the door closed. He sobbed for hours till his parents came back from work and found Tyler lying in the hallway.
He sobbed for days after when each of his texts stayed read and unanswered.
He sobbed when he opened Instagram to see a post from Josh smoking a joint.
The caption read ‘helps me sleep, but not as much as cuddles do’ with some random girl tagged.
He vomited into the toilet as Josh’s promises rang through Tyler’s head.
Lies
Lies
Lies
——
Tyler was lost. Mentally, he was lost without Josh and nothing made sense anymore. The faded white scars on his arms that represented his previous recoveries had been replaced with fresh angry marks representing his dramatic fall from grace.
His parents made no attempt to hide their worry and he was shoved back in therapy with his medication dosage upped significantly. Yet it made no difference. Tyler had lost his mind and he was numb to everything.
Physically, he was also lost. He’d gone for a walk to ‘clear his head’ and gotten too caught up in his thoughts. He’d walked for hours but didn’t care enough to search up his location to get back home. He didn’t want to go back home. He had no home. Not without Josh.
The breeze blew through Tyler’s hair as the sun inched its way below the horizon.
He sat cross legged, grazing his hand over the grass surrounding him. He picked up his phone, seeing the battery was critically low, and opened his messages. Cars honked in the distance and the sounds of chirping birds began to die down. His vision was blurry as tears tracked down his cheeks. He blubbered, looking at the hundreds of unanswered texts to Josh.
‘One more won’t hurt’ he thought, carelessly typing another pleading message.
His other hand fiddled with cold sharp metal and he chucked his phone in front of him so it lay next to a small white bottle. He took a sharp breath in and started chuckling menacingly.
‘What a mess’ he thought and smiled to himself.
A single notification popped up pulling Tyler from his daydream. His heart skipped a beat.
Tyler please stop texting me. Move on. Leave me alone.
His quiet chuckles turned into full on hysterical laughter. The final remains of his heart shattered and as the sun disappeared below the horizon, he granted Josh’s wish.