Chapter Text
Stefani never means to lie to her. On some level, Julia knows this. But that doesn't mean it ever stops stinging when she does.
From the very start, the girls were always close. That's what happens when you grow up a few blocks from each other, born only months apart. Being ever so slightly older, it wasn't a surprise when Stefani started walking first. What was a surprise was Julia toddling up after her in only a matter of weeks. Mama joked that her little girl must have a fire in her. When Julia remembers these stories later, no real recollection beyond flashes of pudgy baby hands reaching out to Stefani, she thinks that maybe she just didn't want to be left behind.
Now, talking, that's a different matter.
Stefani's always been the family's smart little prodigy, and that started early. Her first words came at nine months, and everyone was very proud and excited. It's a typical first word—"Mama," and Julia can only imagine how Aunt Darlene reacted to that—but it's still the first in a long line of Stefani's great achievements. Had she been able to do anything more than babble and spit up, Julia's sure she would've been proud too.
It took her a lot longer. Though Stefani up and walking at twelve months inspired her to keep up, Julia's little developing brain couldn't muster up the right neural pathways or whatever to form language. She babbled, sure. She knew her name. But even by fifteen months, she seemed content to let Stefani do the talking and following along, sticky little hands clasped tight.
The closest things to words she was making at that point were a few sets of repeated syllables—never "Mama" or "Dada" like Stefani, but her own nonsense ones that she'd giggle out to refer to family members. They were simple. Mama and Daddy were Mumu and Didi, just a hair off from real words. Stefani was Fifi. Brand new baby Bobby became Bibi, and older brother Erik was Kiki. He complained at first in his seven-year-old wisdom that he couldn't be Kiki because that's a girl's name, but apparently there was only so much he could do about it when Julia ran up and hugged him when he returned from his first day of second grade, giving him a great big baby teeth grin and squealing, "Kikiiiii" as loud as she could.
According to Mom and Dad, he stopped griping after that. Even after Julia started using real words and working her way around his name, she kept up the little baby nickname until the day she died.
Anyway, they never really learn what does the trick, but one day when Mama and Daddy brought her to Uncle Marty and Aunt Darlene's for a play-date with Stefani, when she saw her cousin and best friend, instead of her usual moniker she cried out, "Stefi!"
By the end of the week, she was talking like any other toddler, though she kept on peppering her speech with those cute little nicknames. It was like a dam had burst open with that one word, still not even Stefani's name but close enough.
This is all second-hand information, not real memory. A scattered collection of stories from Mom and Dad exchanged over family dinners or backyard barbecues. The first childhood memory Julia actually formed came from over a year later, and of course Stefani was there.
They were at a local playground, which was special for Stefani. Aunt Darlene didn't like to let her out of the house, but somehow Mama and Daddy had talked her into letting them watch the girls somewhere a little farther from home. Even though Julia was talking at this point, she still let Stefani take the lead in most circumstances, because that's just how it was with them back then: Bold leader Stefani and content follower Julia, before the ramifications of Grandma Iris' actions left their mark on her adventurous, carefree cousin.
Julia remembers watching Stefani swing her way across the monkey bars with wide-eyed wonder. She wasn't caught up in the fear of slipping and falling, didn't hesitate or stall, and when she made it fully across, she turned back to grin at Julia with a smile that could outshine the sun itself.
"Come on!" Stefani encouraged. "You can do it!"
Still, Julia hesitated. "I dunno…"
"It's okay! I could do it. You can too!"
"But…" She sat at the top of the monkey bars, the woodchips below so far away to her young self. "What if I fall?"
Undeterred, Stefani replied, "You won't. And if you do, I'll catch you. Okay? You won't get hurt, Jules. I'll catch you!" She even clambered her way down to stand under the monkey bars, hands outstretched. "See?"
In the end, that's what encouraged Julia to make her way across. Stefani believed in her. Stefani would keep her safe.
Julia made it about halfway before her sweaty hands couldn't keep their grip and she fell to the playground below. Stefani ran to try and catch her, but the confidence she had in her cousin meant she was waiting closer to the end of the monkey bars, and therefore she fell a little short. Julia wailed and wailed, her hands and knees scrapped by woodchips, signaling for Mama and Daddy to bring little Bobby from the teeter-totter and kiss the boo-boos away.
She remembers Aunt Darlene yelling at Stefani when she came to pick her up, and Dad trying to soothe her. She remembers after that, Stefani was never allowed out to the playground again, even though she wasn't the one to get hurt.
But most of all, she remembers before Stefani was swept away back to her house, she knelt before Julia with her Powerpuff Girls Band-Aids and held her little hands.
"I'm sorry," she said, crying just as much as Julia was. Like Mama and Daddy, she kissed Julia's scraped up hands and knees. "I'm sorry. 'll ne-never- never let you g-get hurt again, okay? Okay?"
This is one of Julia's very first memories. It's also the very first time that Stefani ever lies to her.
Julia believes her anyway.
Every single lie grows from a place of love or a need for protection—love towards Julia, or a need to protect herself. Sometimes, it's a strange mix of both.
It happened again the night Aunt Darlene left.
Julia remembers being snuggled up to Daddy, watching some movie so old it didn't even have color in it. The name slips her mind. They did this a lot and they all blur together, because paying attention to the movie never really mattered like spending time with her dad. Erik and Bobby didn't have the same attention span she did for Daddy's old movies; Erik would always leave halfway through to play video games, and Bobby would fall asleep before they were even through the first half hour. But not Julia. Julia loved sitting in her father's lap, cradling a bowl of popcorn and listening to him murmur little facts that she half suspected he was making up.
It was one of their things. A twice weekly tradition that Julia never wanted to skip.
That night, however, it was interrupted. Mama brought Daddy the phone, looking more worried than Julia had ever seen her. "It's Darlene," she said in this way that Daddy somehow understood immediately.
Mama lifted her off Daddy's lap and he stepped away into the kitchen. Julia was torn between frustration that her night with Daddy had come to an abrupt halt and concern for how upset Mama looked. The latter overtook her when Daddy's hushed voice rose and she started catching words.
"—please, just listen to me, I can be over in five minutes—" Aunt Darlene said something that Daddy really must not have liked, because he bites out a word Julia had never heard him say before, frantic and choked: "Shit, Dar, are you kidding? Now?"
He glanced towards the living room where Julia stared at him wide-eyed in her mom's arms and his voice lowered again, but not before she could catch a shaking plea, "Don't do this, okay, just- what about all of us, what about your kids…"
Mama turned Julia away from the doorway then and moved further into the living room, running a hand down Julia's hair as she did. On the couch, Bobby started to sit up and rub his eyes.
"Mama? …Mommy?" Julia pulled back a little to see her mom's face, scrunched up with so many lines that she looked so much older. It scared her. She laid a hand on one of them, wanting to comfort in whatever way she could. "What's going on?"
It didn't look right for Mama to stare back at her with those uncertain, unsteady eyes. Mama always had a smile and a reassuring word for Julia and her brothers, but then she looked lost. She pulled Julia back in close for a hug, cupping the back of her head with one hand.
"What's wrong?" Her voice started to rise with childish worry. "Is Stefi okay? Charlie?"
Mama let out an almost pained breath. "Oh, Julia, sweetie—they're- they might be…a lot sadder, for awhile."
Over her shoulder, she made eye contact with Bobby, whose frightened face mirrored her own. He kept opening his mouth like he wanted to ask something but then closing it a moment later. When Julia thinks back on it later, she's pretty sure he must've been in the same state as her, desperately wanting to know more but utterly terrified that cheerful, comforting Mom and Dad were so out of their element.
It all ended when Daddy, who never raised his voice, shouted, "DAMN IT!" Something hit the counter. Maybe it was his hand, or maybe the phone.
Julia could hear the creak of the stairs, signaling Erik's descent. He inched into the living room over to Bobby, still frozen on the couch, as Mama kissed Julia's forehead and set her back down on her feet. She started towards the kitchen, but Daddy met her at the threshold, a hand running over his face. Mama immediately embraced him.
"Dad?" Erik. The only one of them who can find his voice. "Mom, Dad, what's going on?"
A sniffle rose from Daddy, and Julia felt goosebumps run up and down her arms. From the way Bobby and Erik looked, they probably did too. Was Daddy…crying?
He broke from Mama's arms and gathered all of them around on the couch. Julia immediately sat on his lap again, but this time it was in order to comfort him, in whatever way she could.
Looking back, she doesn't think she really got it, when her Dad quietly and softly explained to all of them that Aunt Darlene was leaving. Bobby surely didn't; he asked when she'd be back, to which Daddy almost started crying again.
"We don't know," Mama said, stepping in for him. "She…might not."
And that moment, that's the one that Julia can still remember every single sensation of, from the scratch of Daddy's sweater to the dryness of her mouth, because that moment was when she realized what Mama meant when she asked about Stefani and Charlie. Whether she fully understood the implications of Aunt Darlene, who had become more and more paranoid over the years, choosing to leave or not, she knew one thing, crystal clear:
Stefani needed her right now.
She immediately begged her parents to drive her to the Reyes house, which they seemed both surprised about and reluctant to do. Daddy tried telling her that their family may need space right now, that they shouldn't intrude on them. Still, she didn't back down.
"I gotta see Stefi!" She insisted, little fists balled up in determination. "She needs me! Please, Daddy, please!"
Eventually they conceded, and Daddy admitted that he should talk to Uncle Marty too. Mama stayed home with Bobby and Erik, promising the boys that they could go over to see Stefani and Charlie tomorrow.
Julia doesn't remember the drive over, not really. She's sure she was trying to figure out the right thing to say to make Stefani feel better, but nothing felt right. Her Dad said something about being gentle, but she's pretty sure she wasn't paying attention, far too focused on Stefani. She feels bad for Dad when she thinks back on it; he didn't have any time to himself to process what Aunt Darlene did, and that's partly her own fault. She knows he never held it against her, but she wonders, did he ever wish it had gone…differently?
That's a puzzle for a much older Julia. At that time, all that mattered was Stefani.
Uncle Marty greeted them, even more shattered than Daddy. He held little five-year-old Charlie in his arms, who mostly seemed sleepy and confused. She spared them both a quick hug, but Uncle Marty knew why she was there, quietly telling her that Stefani was upstairs in her room. She bound up the stairs two at a time. She was up them before Daddy even closed the door behind him.
The light was off in Stefani's room, but Julia knew she was awake, because she could hear her crying. Still she had no idea what to say. Still she couldn't find the words to make Stefani's pain go away. Still, she didn't hesitate. She pushed the door, opened just a crack, until light from the hallway flooded into it and she could see Stefani sobbing on her bed.
"Stefi…!"
By the time she'd reached her, Julia was also in tears; she couldn't not be, not with Stefani launching herself at her, not with how tight her cousin held her. Stefani hadn't yet hit her big growth spurt, so they stood there, heads on each other's shoulders, tears rushing down their faces, and Julia held on tighter than she'd ever imagined she could.
For whatever reason, Aunt Darlene was gone. She'd chosen to leave. And Stefani's already rocky life had been forever changed.
"Don't leave me," Stefani whimpered through snot and tears. "Please. Please don't go away."
"I won't," Julia swore. She didn't know if Stefani meant tonight or forever but it didn't matter, because she didn't intend to either way. "Never ever."
When they were done talking downstairs in quiet tones, neither Uncle Marty nor Daddy tried to get her to leave. Aunt Darlene had gotten really weird about Stefani leaving the house at some point, so Julia was used to spending half her life in Stefani's room. She'd left a change of clothes there from their last sleepover, had a spare toothbrush because she kept forgetting hers. All Daddy had to do was step out and call Mama, who also didn't argue with the so far unspoken conclusion that Julia was to stay the night. She only separated from Stefani kiss Daddy goodbye, giving him an extra big hug, and change into the pajamas she borrowed from Stefani. Maybe they were originally Julia's; the two kept swapping clothes on a whim at that age.
This sleepover was a lot less fun than any of their others. Each time, just when Stefani would stop crying, another wave of sobs would overtake her and she'd collapse to the bed again. It didn't help that they could hear Charlie down the hall asking Uncle Marty when his mom would be home, nor that the room was filled with family photographs and gifts from Aunt Darlene.
At one point, Stefani withdrew herself from Julia's embrace and turned every single picture over, crying so hard she hiccuped and wheezed.
"Stefi," Julia murmured, following her. Stefani didn't pay her any mind. In fact, when she finished with the photographs, she grabbed a stuffed teddy bear off her bed that Aunt Darlene had given her four birthdays ago and threw it across the room. "Stefi, wait a moment…"
Stefani did not, taking a snow globe from her night stand—three birthdays ago, which Aunt Darlene then tried to take back, saying something about dangers and hazards—and chucking it as hard as she could at the wall. Julia jumped when it shattered. Stefani had never scared her before, and she didn't scare her now—but she can't deny when she thinks back to this moment, that something had.
Despite that, before Stefani could grab for anything else, Julia rushed over and grabbed her arms, holding her in place.
"Stefi, stop! Stop, you're gonna hurt yourself!" Stefani pulled, but by this point she'd been crying for hours. She was tired, and Julia was determined not to let go. "I'm here, okay? I'm right here."
She didn't want to remove her hands, in case Stefani started trying to break things again. But looking at Stefani's crestfallen face, so gutted and destroyed, red and streaked with all her tears, she couldn't just stand there. So Julia leaned forward and impulsively kissed away a falling tear, like their parents had done for them when they were young. Stefani's latest sob caught in her throat as a hitching breath, and Julia kissed her again, lips lingering for a moment on her salty freckles before going back in for another.
The door swung open and Uncle Marty entered in a panic, having heard the shattering snow globe. Julia tried to explain, stumbling over a lie that they'd knocked it over—something she knows he did not believe, but still did not question—and Stefani buried her face in Julia's shoulder, arms slack in Julia's grip. She promised Uncle Marty that they'd clean it up before before going to bed, but he hushed her, saying that he'd help and going to get a dustpan and gloves.
They were left alone, then. Julia drew Stefani into another gentle hug. Her eyes stung with her own tears as she wondered just how anyone could do something like this to their family.
As if she could read her mind, Stefani gasped out, hoarse: "I hate her."
Julia held her tighter. In return, Stefani gripped so tight that the next morning Julia would discover little bruises.
"I hate her!"
Stefani raised her head once more, the pain in her eyes joined by stubborn determination and steadfast resolve.
"I'll- I could never do what she did. I ne- never…!"
Julia leaned in and kissed one more tear away just before Uncle Marty returned. In the end, he mostly cleaned up the broken snow globe, leaving the girls to stay in that sad embrace.
That night lives in Julia's mind for years and years and years. She comes back to it time and time again while tripping through the five stages of grief, trying to rationalize Stefani's post-high school behavior.
At the time, it hadn't been a lie. It just became one.
It's never out of malevolence. There's no horrid master plan to raise her hopes and let her fall. If it were, she wouldn't be the Stefani that Julia loves.
After that, the already bruised Stefani grew withdrawn, in a sense. She still put 120% into everything she'd attempt, of course. But any remnants of the daring Stefani who lead Julia across the monkey bars vanished with Aunt Darlene. She put herself wholly into her studies, expressing a dream of traveling far from Cloverdale, New York. It made sense to Julia, really it did—she didn't live with Stefani, but everyone in the family (besides young Charlie) had some idea of how Aunt Darlene's parenting affected her, especially towards the end. Julia had caught the tail end of a fight between her and Uncle Marty, too.
She doesn't blame Stefani for wanting to get away from that.
One day, they were sat on Stefani's bed after school, taking turns painting each other's nails. They were both fourteen, early in their first year of high school. Julia enjoyed high school. Stefani did too, but for different reasons.
"So you're really not going?" Julia asked for the umpteenth time.
Stefani laughed. "No, Julia. I'm really not." For the umpteenth time, she reprimanded, "Stay still."
Julia straightened out her fingers again. Stefani really liked painting her nails, but Julia sort of wanted to try acrylics instead. She didn't think it would take as long for them to dry, and if Erik tried to make fun of her again for crying when he left for college, she could stab him with them. It was a win-win.
But Stefani always seemed to relax when she was painting someone else's nails, and so far Julia was the only person she could do that with, so she refrained. It wasn't a huge hardship, anyway. She bet from how he kept eyeing them after they'd have their impromptu manicures that Charlie would ask his big sister for one of his own one day—but even if he did (he would), Julia wouldn't abandon these little sessions with Stefani. It wasn't like she could see her so chill otherwise, as she'd always be working on some kind of project or paper.
"But it's the our first high school dance," Julia whined, making extra special effort to not wriggle or squirm when the cold polish brushed against the edge of her nail. "It's never going to happen again."
"Neither will my first AP English paper," reminded Stefani. Speak of the devil. "I need to keep on top of it."
"I know," Julia admitted in defeat. She wasn't taking a single AP class this year. Stefani was already taking three. It's natural that they wouldn't have as much time to spend together. But… "It's just going to be so weird not having you there."
Ever since elementary school, they went to every school function together. Every stupid talent show or dinky dance, they would be glued at the hip. They were each other's security blanket.
A sly smirk slid onto Stefani's face and she paused in her polishing to poke Julia's nose. "You won't even notice. You'll be too busy with Colin Fenbury."
Her voice catching in a squeak, Julia protests, "I will not!" She almost balls her hands up before remembering they're half covered in wet nail polish. She freezes and glances down when Stefani laughs. "I mean… Even if I'm going with a boy I'm not gonna just forget about you."
Stefani looked at her with this incredibly fond smile that Julia still thinks today only Stefani can make. "I know you won't. I wasn't saying that. Just that you've got a boyfriend, Jules. You don't need your cousin third-wheeling it up all night."
Still preoccupied with the magenta polish drying on one hand, Julia mumbled, "He's not my boyfriend. We haven't put any labels like that on it. We're just…going to the dance together."
"Uh-huh. Sure."
"I mean it!" Julia looked up with a pout. "I don't even know if I really like him like that."
Stefani tilted her head at her before she returned her attention to Julia's manicure. "Wait, I thought you said yes."
"I did."
"But you don't know if you like him?"
"Like that."
"Then why'd you say yes?"
"'Cause I'm not gonna know until I try."
Stefani frowned as she focused on Julia's nails. Her brows scrunched closer together and her eyes narrowed, the telltale signs of Stefani sinking deep in thought. While Julia had had a few brief boyfriends in the last few years, Stefani had remained consistently single and rather content to do so. She'd giggle along with Julia's latest movie star crush, but she never showed interest in anyone in their every day lives, boy or girl.
After a long several seconds, Stefani shook her head. "I'm sorry, I don't know if I get it."
Julia couldn't help the equally fond smile of her own from slipping onto her face. She knew the way it felt when it did, that curve of her lips and wrinkling of her eyes and everything. "You can ask me, you know," she leaned in a little, teasing, "Late Bloomer."
Stefani rose the brush so it was just an inch away from Julia's nose. "I wouldn't start breaking that out when I'm wielding a weapon, Julia."
A grin broke across her face. She leaned back innocently. "Okay, okay. But you know what I mean, right? If you're, like, confused or…curious about this kind of thing…"
With a slight grimace, Stefani said, "I'm not gonna ask you to kiss and tell."
Her smile disappeared in an instant, and Julia forgot to keep her fingers straight this time, curling them up as she sank her chin towards her chest like a shy turtle.
"Hey, it's not dry yet!" Stefani dropped the brush onto the paper towels they set down to keep the bedsheets clean. She took Julia's hands to keep her nails from smudging on those same towels, and that thoughtful frown returned to her lips. "Julia? What's wrong?"
Face warm, Julia refused to look up. "We, um… We haven't."
"What?"
Her cheeks positively burned. She remembers this feeling so acutely, even now. "Kissed."
"…Oh." Stefani leans back, a different kind of thoughtful look crossing her face. "Wow. I thought…"
Julia didn't want to keep looking at Stefani, but she couldn't tear her eyes away. That would feel worse, somehow. "Thought what?"
"Well… I mean, you went out with Trevor and Craig—"
Feeling sure that her face now matched the drying polish on her nails, Julia bit out, "And I didn't kiss them either. Just 'cause I've gone on a few ice cream dates doesn't mean- wh-what I'm saying is, I haven't gone that far with anyone."
Stefani let out a small breath and Julia could see her reconstructing a few things behind her eyes. She couldn't really blame Stefani; the other girl had been so focused on school that it would make sense if she was relatively ignorant about dating. Julia never really told her anything about it because… Well, there was nothing to tell. Not really.
She remembers being glad Stefani's hands rest on the back of her own. It meant she couldn't feel how sweaty Julia's palms were.
"Okay. Wow." Stefani seemed to realize how her surprise could be taken and removed her hands, taking the brush back up to finish Julia's nails. "Sorry. It's just surprising, 'cause—I…kind of thought you had this whole thing on lock, you know? Like, if anyone would, it'd be you. You…get the social thing a lot more than I do. It seems so…easy for you? Like you just…know."
Now Julia felt warm for other reasons. Did Stefani know those compliments could make her feel like the most incredible person in the room? Did she know, that's how Julia felt about her, with how strong and determined and focused she'd been since Aunt Darlene abandoned them?
With a very small, sly smile, Stefani continued, "But that's not the case, huh? I was thinking you were an expert, but… You really haven't kissed your boyfriend—"
"Stef!" Julia scoffed and Stefani raised her hands in surrender. The smile grew sheepish and Julia knew, she really couldn't be mad at her. With a sigh, she answered, "No, I haven't. We've only really held hands. Of course I haven't."
She didn't say that she would've told Stefani if she had, but she thought it was kind of implied.
For a long few moments, that's all either of them said. The only sounds in Stefani's bedroom were of the applicator dipping into the bottle of polish and slowly sliding across Julia's nails, both very quiet sounds that Julia still heard each and every one of while she waited for Stefani to say something else. It was Stefani's turn to avoid eye contact and Julia's to stare desperately. Despite her usual calm demeanor during manicures, Julia could see just the tops of Stefani's brows furrowed. Once or twice, she caught her mouth opening and closing.
Her diligent prodigy of a cousin was having the hardest possible time finding a response, and for some reason, that terrified Julia.
Only when each and every fingernail was covered in magenta polish did Stefani break the crushing silence.
"Do you wanna?" She asked, flitting between casual and too casual, landing somewhere thin and breathy.
Julia's mouth felt so dry. She could ask for clarification, play dumb, and that thought crossed her mind, but instead she heard herself mumble, "Kinda."
Stefani looked back up at her and Julia could swear to this day that her heart stopped right there. The world fell away. All that existed was the two of them on Stefani's twin bed, bottles of nail polish between them. She thinks that was the moment she knew. Really knew. But like Stefani, she too lied to herself.
As she looked into Stefani's uncertain, concentrating face, Julia started rambling, trying to backpedal and clarify. "I mean, like, why wouldn't I, if I'm going to the dance with him, I've thought about it. Who wouldn't think about it? But there's just, there's so much built up, like, your first kiss, and you never get a do-over. You— like, I guess, not you, since you're not really thinking about this kind of thing, but, people, they're worried about making a- a first impression. It's like, even if you know each other, it's- it's a new first impression, you know?"
She couldn't stop herself. Every new word spilling out her mouth was another word between her and this buried desire inside of her, built up like a wall or armor. Like if she explained it well enough, it would all go away and she could just look at Stefani as her family, her best friend, and not acknowledge the truth.
But the way Stefani just kept staring at her didn't help one bit. So she just kept. On. Going.
In a high, almost irreverent voice, tinged with forced laughter, Julia said, "It'd be so much better if there was a way to, like, practice, you know?"
Thoughtlessly, she raised her hand to brush some hair back from her neck, because she felt hot and flustered and it was itching—but Stefani carefully stopped her, wrapping her hand around Julia's without smudging the still-drying polish.
"Do you wanna?" Stefani asked again, this time quieter, more nervous, but with this look in her eyes so certain that it chilled the blood in Julia's veins.
This time, she couldn't help but breathe out, "What?"
Stefani could have shied away. But she didn't. "Practice."
Now she could definitely feel Julia's sweaty palms.
"You…" Julia remembers the feeling of her voice getting stuck in her throat. Pushing it out. "You can't be serious, Stef. Really?"
Julia kept waiting for Stefani to let go.
"It's not like I've done it either…and… Yeah, okay, it's a new first impression…but…"
But she didn't.
She squeezed Julia's hand instead.
"I already know you every other way," Stefani said with a shy but sweet smile. "It's not like you can let me down. And…since I'm not gonna be there… It's a way I can help you out, at your very first high school dance."
Julia had never experienced the cliché of butterflies in her stomach before. Not until now. No matter how much she lied to herself, she couldn't deny one simple, all-consuming truth:
She was so fucked.
Stefani had already taken her breath away, so Julia, wide-eyed and waiting to wake up, just nodded until she could summon up all the strength in her, and croaked out, "Yeah, okay," in the same thin, breathy voice Stefani employed just a minute or so before. It took everything in her to keep the hand Stefani still held from shaking.
"Okay!" Stefani said brightly, her own nervous energy just radiating from her. She readjusted so instead of sitting cross-legged on her bed, her legs were to the side. Similarly, Julia shifted so she was kneeling. She had yet to hit the growth spurt that would one day put her standing taller than her cousin, after all.
And then the both of them just…sat there, staring, waiting. Julia knew she was afraid to make a move—so was Stefani, too? Even though she'd suggested it? Looking back, she honestly doesn't know if that's true; with how much she rambled and babbled, could it have been Julia who put the idea in Stefani's head in the first place?
She swallowed hard, eyes drifting across Stefani's face—from her dark eyes, equally apprehensive, to her skin peppered with freckles that she wants to kiss like when they were children, to the slightly parted and slightly chapped lips that were her goal. They got this close all the time, snuggled up in one of their beds for sleepovers or huddled under the same umbrella cheek-to-cheek, but this was different now. An intent had been spoken into existence that for Julia at least only lurked beneath the surface.
She knew it was wrong.
But who could blame her? How could anyone look at Stefani Reyes like this, so vulnerable and open and caring, and not fall head over heels in love with her?
Though they both started to move in around the same moment, Julia was the one to take the plunge. She squeezed her eyes shut like in the movies and pressed her lips to Stefani's, hesitant but eager at the same time. For half a second, when Stefani stayed still, Julia worried that she'd pull away and say she changed her mind, calling her gross and yelling at her to get out.
Then she felt Stefani's breath tickling her mouth, the result of a contented sigh precluding the other girl's response, an awkward yet gentle kiss that sent goosebumps down Julia's bare arms. All at once, she was cold and hot from outside to in, feeling like she'd always imagined the characters in Dad's old movies to when they received a peck from their sweetheart or a dramatic, world-shaking lip-lock at the end of the film.
She thought, and she can remember thinking, it felt so much more like the second, especially when she could feel the twitch of Stefani's lips into a smile that mirrored Julia's own.
Despite that, it lasted but a few moments before they mutually pulled away, just far enough so they could open their eyes and take the other in. A light blush dusted Stefani's freckles, and considering how warm Julia's face felt, she assumed hers was the same. Still, they were both smiling, jittery and nervous and pleased and…excited. This moment was theirs, special and secret. All of Julia's firsts happened with Stefani. Her first steps, her first words, her first days at school—it was foolish to consider this being any different. Stefani's breath continued to brush against her lips, and all Julia could think was that she wanted to feel it closer, again.
Emboldened, she decided to make that happen. Julia shut her eyes once more and kissed Stefani quickly. To her relief, Stefani again kissed her back, this time faster. Neither pulled away this time, turning a second kiss into a third, a fourth, a fifth, all short and quick, each releasing an awkward-sounding smeck as their lips puckered and connected.
Stefani was the one to open her mouth—to get some air, Julia realizes when she looks back on the moment—and Julia, caught up in the moment and remembering some of the…older movies she'd caught Erik watching, eagerly stuck her tongue between her lips. Stefani let out a noise that sounded far too much like a gag for Julia's liking, and both pulled back.
Much more flushed now, Julia stammered, "I- I'm sorry, I thought- f-forget that, I'm- I'm so dumb, I—"
Stefani's hand against her cheek stopped her in her tracks. She'd felt that hand against her so many times—it had been the one to hold her hand, she realized, must have been disentangled somewhere between kiss one and kiss five—and yet now the sensation of it… She'd never felt something like it. Like a spark of static electricity, but entirely pleasant, radiating out from her cheek, rippling across her skin, lighting her up.
"Julia," Stefani said, urgent and insistent, and Julia's breath caught in her throat again. "It's okay. I-it just- it surprised me. It wasn't…bad."
Now her eyes felt warm, too. "Really?"
Stefani nodded, that shy smile returning to her face. "Yeah."
"Oh." Julia swallowed. "Cool."
She wanted to touch Stefani now, too. She reached her hand up, only to find it captured in Stefani's free one, fingers entwining quickly and stopping her in her tracks.
"Julia…" A squeeze. "You'll smudge your polish."
A flutter of laughter escaped her, which Stefani quickly echoed.
"Oops. You're right. I forgot."
"It's alright," Stefani murmured, and those ripples of pleasure met her goosebumps, leaving Julia almost shivering with joy. "That's what I'm here for, right?"
This time, Stefani initiated, and she was the one to take advantage of Julia's slightly open mouth. Stefani's tongue pushed between her lips and Julia happily opened her mouth for easier access. She gasped at the brand new sensation, feeling her breath mixing and mingling with Stefani's. Their tongues brushed against each other, licked the inside of their mouths, danced across teeth. It was awkward. It was strange. It was unknown.
Julia loved it. This brand new experience, with her best friend.
At some point, Stefani had to pull back to breathe again, and as Julia moved her head to try and get a better angle, their teeth clacked together. Both of them broke down into giggles, noses pressed close, foreheads touching, Stefani's fingers making tiny circles on Julia's knuckles.
It was like they were one, and Julia never wanted it to end.
But it would have to. Because when they wordlessly went back in for another deep kiss, Julia moved on instinct, the hand not held in place sliding up Stefani's neck—she wanted to feel the way her muscles moved, had to know everything about this part of Stefani that she was just getting to know.
And strands of hair pressed into not-quite-dry polish, smudging it just as they'd feared.
They pulled apart instantly.
"Oh- shit, Stef, your hair!"
"Ah—!"
"Shit, shit, I'm sorry, I was—"
"No, i-it's okay, it's okay, let's just—"
"—here, lemme Google it—!"
As Julia fumbled for her phone, she knocked over the bottle of magenta polish, its cap not fully secured, and it quickly spread over Stefani's comforter.
"Oh, crap."
"SHIT!"
The afternoon turned immediately to a rescue mission for both Stefani's hair and the blanket. While Stefani fled to the bathroom after they found some information on getting polish out of hair, Julia scrubbed the comforter with rubbing alcohol. It pretty effectively ruined her manicure, but she solidly wasn't thinking about that anymore.
Even with the task before her, she was still thinking about kissing Stefani. About the way her lips tingled. About the electric feeling that ran all across her body. About the magic that she finally understood.
In the end, there was no saving the comforter. They had to go to Uncle Marty with their proverbial tails between their legs, though Julia did for a few minutes try to run with the plan of just throwing it in the trash and hoping he didn't notice. Stefani vetoed that. Uncle Marty wasn't too mad, but he did make them promise no more nail painting sessions on the bed, which was probably for the best.
It wasn't until Julia was getting ready to leave for dinner that their activities came up. Quietly, nervously, when Uncle Marty was starting up the car, Julia whispered to Stefani, "Um, hey, so. About earlier…"
Stefani's cheeks darkened again and she glanced away. "Oh. Yeah, earlier. Uh—"
"Yeah. I just, I wanted to say, it was- it was really- nice."
"Yeah. Yeah, me too."
Stefani looked back at her, and Julia felt like she was flying.
Then she continued, awkward smile and nervous fidgeting, "I think- Colin's gonna be one lucky guy, yeah?"
And the bottom of her stomach dropped out.
Right.
That's right.
In record time, Julia plastered a smile onto her face, though it hurt.
"Uh-huh. Yeah. He, uh- I'll knock him right off his feet."
The girls shared an awkward smile and hurried to the car. When they said goodbye, Julia pulled away from the hug quicker than normal.
All the rosy sensations from before, they felt like little daggers across her skin. But what could she say? That's what it was from the start.
This time, Stefani didn't lie to Julia with words. Hell, she didn't even really lie to her. But after that first time, they never did it again. It was practice, after all, and Julia had experienced the real thing.
(When Colin Fenbury did kiss her during a slow dance to Ed Sheeran's "Perfect", in contrast to the warmth and elation that rushed through her at Stefani's kiss, Julia felt strangely cold and empty, like it was absolutely nothing. Every kiss she experienced from that day forward felt the same in comparison. Like it was nothing.)
Neither one of them brought it up. There was this implicit agreement that it wouldn't change anything between them, and they were determined to keep that.
So maybe, both of them were lying. To themselves, to each other.
Maybe it's on Julia for believing so freely and openly. Stefani has always been there for her, and there was a time when she thought she always would be. Is that so wrong to assume?
That the person she loves most would love her back?
High school both flew by in some ways and dragged on in others. Julia didn't exactly struggle at the academic side, but she didn't flourish, either. Not like Stefani did. Stefani, who got straight A's on every report card. Stefani, who became both class president and Valedictorian. Stefani, who worked so hard that she received a scholarship, a sparkling ticket out of their little town.
Julia, meanwhile, wasn't as fortunate. Her grades weren't bad, and she had a nice spattering of extracurriculars, but part of the problem was she found herself unsure of college life in general. Though she'd never tell him as much, Erik failing out just after that very first high school dance of hers made her question it. Would she fare well without her support system? Could she try another path? Did she really want to be that far away from her family?
What it all lead to was Julia deciding to take a gap year to start, dabbling in a local community college. Mom and Dad were supportive, because they were always supportive, and that was that. She expected a wry comment from Erik, something about following in his footsteps, but when she graduated he just ruffled her hair like she was still a kid and gave her an extra tight side-hug.
"Proud of you, sis," he murmured into her ear, close enough that his scruff scraped against her skin. She still doesn't understand what for, and now she never will.
This became the nail in the coffin for her dreams of following Stefani to college, however. Yes, Julia had already accepted that with Stefani's grades and prospects she was going somewhere far more prestigious than Julia could hope to attend, but still, she held on to this tiny, tiny spark of hope that somehow, they'd end up in the same place.
It was selfish. No matter how much she tried to convince herself it was all for Stefani and that old promise to never leave her—she knew otherwise. The day Stefani received her full scholarship, Julia cried herself to sleep. There was no way Stefani would turn that down, and there was no way Julia could afford to go as well. For the first time in their lives, they would be separated, and she couldn't help but fear how that would go.
(They had never talked about that day in Stefani's room. They never would.)
So the day of Stefani's going away party, after a restless summer of last chances and missed opportunities, Julia attended with an uncharacteristic anxiety perpetrating her every move.
Dad insisted on hosting, half because their backyard was better equipped for parties and half to let Uncle Marty focus on spending his time with his oldest going off to college. Even after Aunt Darlene up and left, Dad kept a close relationship with Uncle Marty, claiming that just because the reason why they were family was gone didn't make them any less family. Dad was always so good like that. He got the whole family involved in decorating, stringing up streamers and banners with GOOD LUCK STEFI written in marker everywhere.
Julia helped make one of them. She could pick it out by the shakiness of the lettering.
It was a busy party. The only people who were there the whole time were family, but neighbors and friends dropped by intermittently, hugging Stefani and dropping off gifts and telling her just how proud they were. What this meant was Stefani always seemed preoccupied. There was no time for Julia to pull her aside or talk with her one-on-one, and the longer she had to wait, watching from the sidelines, the more her stomach churned.
To make matters worse, she hadn't been able to spend much time with Stefani the last few weeks. Honestly, even though this was her going away party, she'd already been to campus a few times with Uncle Marty to prepare. The last week had been dedicated to packing and reorganizing. It was starting to feel like Stefani was already gone, and that scared her.
Which certainly didn't help those nerves.
A few hours in, after she had tried and failed not to pick at the last manicure Stefani had given her—the last one she would ever give her—a familiar but still startling sensation tickled Julia's leg. She let out a small yelp, slapping a hand over her mouth and trying not to jump, because she already knew what this was, even without the slightly panicked call just a few feet away—
"Nico!" Here came Bobby, hands cupped to snatch up the little creature skittering up Julia's leg.
"Bobby," Julia squeaked out. "Why does your hamster always think I'm a jungle gym?!"
Bobby carefully removed Nico, idly correcting, "He's a gerbil, Jules."
She huffed. She loved Bobby, her little brother who has towered over her since his twelfth birthday, but she really wasn't a fan of his ongoing rodent kick. Hamsters, guinea pigs, gerbils… How was she supposed to keep track? It didn't help that these little things tended to have the shortest possible lifespans. Hopefully the next pet Bobby asked their parents for would last a little longer longer than a few years.
Julia must have been making a face, because Bobby's smile turned sheepish. "Sorry, sis- thanks for stopping him, I don't know how he got out again."
She raised her hands, deflecting, "Whatever. I didn't even do anything. All I need to do is stand here and I turn into some kind of mouse magnet."
Once again, helpfully, Bobby corrected, "Gerbil."
Julia crossed her arms and clicked her tongue in exaggerated annoyance. She couldn't actually be mad at Bobby. He was such a sweetheart. Sometimes Julia thought she and Erik were more acerbic just because they were meant to balance out his sugary kindness.
It was that moment that Stefani's laughter pierced the air. Dad and Uncle Marty were talking her up to one of their neighbors, and she waved them off, embarrassed but clearly proud.
Julia can clearly recall the pins and needles feeling that ran down her arms and legs. "Gerbil," she conceded with a long-suffering sigh, leaning against the wall like she didn't care about any of the goings on.
Bobby, with his big eyes and big heart, obviously knew otherwise. Nico still cupped in his hands, he leaned against the wall with Julia, looking down at her.
"How come you're over here being a wallflower? That's not like you."
"You don't know," she shot back challengingly.
Bobby snorted. "What kind of… Yeah, I do. You're my sister."
He said it so simply, as if it explained everything—and maybe it did, sort of, because she felt the same. She knew Bobby and Erik like she knew her own breath. She heard from so many other girls with brothers that they were gross and distant and they'd so much rather have a sister to do girly things with, but Julia never felt that way. She'd never want to change any part of them, no matter how much they got on her nerves sometimes, with Bobby's parade of pets and Erik taking over the living room for his video games. They were still her brothers.
Part of it, she knew, was having Stefani too…but Stefani wasn't her sister. Stefani was her cousin, her best friend, her…
Julia blinked. She was still watching Stefani from across the room, her crossed arms turned more into a self-hug. She knew her like that, too.
"Julia?" Bobby's gentle hand rested on her shoulder, and she tore her gaze away from her cousin. "Why aren't you spending time with Stef, too?"
She sucked in a breath through her clenched teeth. Wasn't that just like Bobby, cutting right to the heart of the matter?
Channeling Erik's false bravado, Julia half-shrugged. "What, and interrupt her time with her adoring fans? Bobby, everyone wants to talk to Stef right now. That's kind of the whole point of the party. I'm not about to start hogging her. I see her all the time!"
"But…that's not gonna be true for long," Bobby reminded her. "It's her last full day in town, and…"
He hesitated, and Julia felt something sharp rise inside her.
"And what?!" She snapped, immediately regretting it when Bobby flinched just a little, withdrawing his hand.
"…You look scared."
Scared?
Did she really? Huddled by the wall, all on her own, gazing from across the room…
Did Julia really look…scared?
Was she scared of talking to Stefani?
She lowered her head. She didn't want Bobby to keep reading her like an open book.
"There's just…" Her tongue weighed heavy in her mouth, so she stumbled over each slow word, quiet. Bobby had to lean in to really hear her. "There's something I want to talk to her about…but, like, privately. Just the two of us. She's been so busy lately…and, she's gonna keep being busy, so…"
Julia, like everyone, was so proud of Stefani. Always so proud of Stefani.
But still…just like always, she didn't want to get left behind.
Bobby didn't respond, but he stayed beside her as she listened to Stefani talking about her new college campus to yet another family friend. She spoke like she'd been waiting for this her whole life. Like everything up until now was just prep for her real life. Or…maybe that's just what Julia's fears told her. Bobby was right. She was scared. Too scared to even broach the subject.
They just stood there for awhile. It was around when her eyes started to burn with unshed tears that Bobby abruptly leaned over, wrapped an arm around her shoulders, and kissed the top of her head. It surprised her so much that she raised her head back up, blinking hard to keep herself from crying, but Bobby was already off, moving with purpose back up the stairs and leaving Julia behind, bewildered.
She didn't have to wait long for him to return, perhaps ten minutes or so, during which she poked halfheartedly at her phone and continued to ruin her nail polish. But after those ten minutes, a loud stomping on the stairs signaled Bobby's approach, drawing the heads of everyone in attendance.
"Ahh, shoot, shoot, shoot!" He hemmed and hawed, Erik following him with an annoyed curl to his lips, hands in his leather jacket.
"Bobby, what's wrong?" Dad asked, waving a hand to quiet down any last vestiges of the party still chatting.
Bobby ran a hand through his hair, grimacing. "Sorry, everyone, can you, uh, can you watch your feet? Nico's out, I just had him, but—"
There was a low murmur from neighbors—that boy's lost his pet again?—but Erik's sharp look silenced them.
Mom jumped into action first, picking up a nearby throw pillow. "Oh, Bobby… You're sure he made it all the way downstairs?"
"Maybe? I- I'm not sure- sorry, Mom, sorry Stef, I don't wanna ruin your big day—"
Stefani shook her head. "No, it's not ruining. It's fine. We can all help look."
"Really?" Bobby's face brightened, and he made his way over to hug Stefani. "Thanks, cuz. I appreciate it."
Over Stefani's shoulder, Bobby made eye contact with Julia and winked.
What was he…?
Dad gave the small crowd unfamiliar with Bobby's gerbil a basic description of him. Before Stefani could launch wholeheartedly into the search, Erik, who had drifted close to Julia, called over.
"Hey, Einstein," Erik drawled, "could you take Julia and do an upstairs sweep? Put that big brain to work."
"Of course," Stefani replied, extricating herself from Bobby and hurrying to the stairs.
Before Julia could follow her, Erik nudged her with an elbow, leaning in close, and murmured to her, "You've got five minutes."
Her brows furrowed for a moment, but then she put it all together just as Erik flashed her a glimpse of his nearest pocket. Looking up at her with his great big eyes was Nico, safe and sound and decidedly not missing.
Julia fought to keep her eyes from bugging out. They were doing this for her. Giving her that precious private time with Stefani—and the push she needed to grab onto it.
Lightly, Erik shoved her. Louder, he said, "C'mon, hurry it up. Every second wasted is another opportunity for Bobby's baby to become a rat pancake."
"Erik!" If Julia did not know any better, she would say the dread in Bobby's voice was real.
Erik shrugged and got to "looking," largely staying out of the way lest anyone realize he had Nico hidden away.
And Julia followed Stefani up the stairs, heart pounding in her ears.
She found Stefani on her hands and knees in the hallway, calling quietly. "Nico! Nico, come on out, honey! Cooome on, Nico—" And she looked back up at Julia as she heard her on the top step, hair falling in her face and smile a little sideways. "Why am I calling for him like a dog, that never works."
Julia couldn't help but return the smile. "This'd all be a lot easier if he had one of those. Even a cat, or a- a rabbit. I think he's too hooked on small pets, though. Something about…holding them in his hands."
Fondly, Stefani hums. "That's cute. Very like him. Not helpful right now, but incredibly Bobby."
"Yeah…"
Like this, she could just fall right back into their rapport. As if her world weren't in the process of shifting on its axis. As if tomorrow, Stefani wasn't going to be leaving her for a prestigious school and a real future.
A wave of weakness washed over her, and Julia found herself getting angry at it. Bobby was right. This wasn't like her. She wasn't timid and afraid. She had her dad's outgoing personality, her mom's winning smile, her older brother's wit, her younger brother's charm—she was Julia Campbell, and she was not going to wait on the sidelines.
What had Erik said? Five minutes. Her brothers had bought her five minutes. She could do that.
Seizing the moment, Julia grabbed Stefani's shoulder before the other girl continued her search.
"Stef. Let's check my room."
Stefani blinked in surprise. "Oh. You don't think we should start with the hallway?"
"Nico likes me," Julia explained easily, helping Stefani up. "I can't explain it. I'm like catnip- uh, ratnip to the little guy."
"Well, isn't that just so you?" Stefani grinned. "Driving the boys wild, even when they're three inches tall."
Julia snorted. "And just like all the boys, they can't keep up with me."
That was a bit of a lie. Julia had dated a few boys in the last few years, but it was all casual. None of them held her interest, and if she were to be honest with herself, she never said yes out of a desire to date any of them. It was more to try and bury old feelings, unsuccessfully at that.
"What about, uh…" Stefani fumbled for a moment, chewing on her bottom lip. "Her name was Rachel, right?"
It wasn't just boys that Julia tried dating. If they didn't work, it only made sense to…branch out a little more, so to speak. Those relationships certainly felt a little more substantial to her than the occasional fling with one of her male classmates; for one, they felt more like actual relationships.
Julia's smile remained in place, though it thinned a little. "Oh, that, uh… That didn't really…work out, either."
How could it, when even when she tried to deny it, Julia knew who she really wanted?
Stefani's face fell. "Julia, I'm sorry." She placed a hand on Julia's arm. "I know you liked her."
Julia shrugged her off, though not unkindly. "It's fine. We were… We were going in different directions, anyway. I'm not really looking to do the long distance thing."
The words left her mouth and she felt sick. Going in different directions, huh? Just like herself and Stefani. But… But that wasn't right. She did like Rachel, but she was just…some girl. They had track together, they got along well, but she wasn't like Stefani. Stefani was family. Family didn't do that to each other.
She tried very, very hard not to think about Aunt Darlene as she lead Stefani to her room.
"Still," Stefani continued, her voice wavering a little, "I'm sorry. I had no idea… How long ago did you break up?"
Julia busied herself "looking" for Nico, so Stefani couldn't see her face. "A few weeks after graduation."
She could hear Stefani's exhale clearly. She still can, now. It was weighty—heavy, like it dragged her down just to let it out.
"Why didn't you tell me?"
Her stomach churned again. Suddenly, even her room, decorated with posters and family photos, painted her favorite shade of magenta—it felt so claustrophobic. Like the walls were pressing in on her, and she could never claw her way out in time.
Julia leaned down to look under her bed, really just wanting to make sure Stefani couldn't spin her around and look into her eyes.
"You had so much to do," Julia said, trying to sound casual. "So much on your mind. It just- it seemed…trivial."
When she withdrew herself from the bed frame, cheek red from pressing against the carpet, Julia found Stefani kneeling behind her. She wasn't looking for Nico. She was looking at her. Just her.
"You could've talked to me. You can still talk to me," Stefani quietly urged. Her eyes were so big and so honest. "Always."
Julia still doesn't know if it was a moment of strength or a moment of weakness in which she, her lower lip quivering, asked, "Really?"
Stefani's eyes, somehow, got bigger. "Of course. Julia… What's going on?"
Warm, familiar hands took hers, and Julia wanted to bury herself in Stefani's chest. She didn't. But she sure wanted to.
"I-I'm scared, Stef," Julia confessed, remembering Bobby's observation and the short time her brothers had given her. "You've got…so much ahead of you. You've been so excited- a-and, that's good, you should be, but- I'm still—" She swallowed, feeling her eyes sting and prick. "I'm scared, 'cause…I-I don't want…you to forget about me."
Everything she tried to hold back slipped out, punctuated by a single tear sliding down her face; it escaped when she blinked, trying and failing to keep just that one part of her inside. Julia tried to pull away, look away—but Stefani pulled the hands she held closer, effectively pulling Julia close as well.
God, she wished Stefani wouldn't do that. And yet—
"Julia, I could never," Stefani swore. "You're my best friend. I love you."
Like lightning across her skin, dancing and twirling out from where Stefani held her. Julia knew what Stefani meant, and really, truly—it was enough. Just to have Stefani look at her like that, to hold a place so dear in her heart.
But part of her still wanted to pretend.
Another tear fell. "I-I love you too. But- everything's gonna be so different now. You're g-going- I-I've never been without you."
Julia remembers this most of all. The feelings that warred inside her. She felt pathetic. Disgusting, and not just for the feelings beyond familial that ate at her. She had other friends. She had a social life. Yet the thought of life without Stef felt barren and empty. Before this summer, they hadn't gone a week—no, two days without seeing each other. Even when Aunt Darlene got bad, Julia made sure to go over to see her. Now, this felt like a preview of the future: Desolate, dead.
The thought sent a wave of tears spilling out of her eyes.
And then, just like Julia had done so long ago, Stefani leaned in and very tenderly kissed one of them away. She couldn't hold back her gasp, which turned into a quiet, childish sob.
"I'm sorry," murmured Stefani against Julia's skin, sending goosebumps down her arms. "I didn't realize…" Another gentle kiss. She could just die. "Julia, I am not going to forget you. Not ever. Okay?"
Julia couldn't summon up the strength to say anything. Once again, Stefani stole her breath. She just tried nodding, her forehead lining up with Stefani's, pressing against it.
"I mean it," Stefani insisted, urgent and once again so honest. "Really. I won't be here…but that doesn't mean- it'll be like nothing's changed. I promise."
A rush of heat and ice. The buried sensation she felt in Stefani's bedroom that day clawed its way up and took root in her, beautiful and painful all at once. Julia sniffled and squeezed Stefani's hands as tight as she could.
Stefani continued, "And- today, the whole rest of the day, it's yours, alright? I'll ask Dad if you can stay over…and we'll watch any movie you want to."
With a cracked, creaking croak of a voice, Julia whimpered, "O-okay." A deep breath in. So close like this, it was like she was breathing Stefani's breath again. "…Okay."
Unable to take her hands back, Stefani kissed one more tear away, and Julia reveled in it.
"Come on," Stefani said softly, moving to help Julia stand. "Let's get you cleaned up. Nico can wait."
Julia let out a wet laugh, recalling that Stefani didn't know about Bobby and Erik's ploy. She just nodded again, not wanting Stefani to know that she was that pathetic. Stefani released her hands, but only so that she could put her arm around Julia's shoulder.
While she washed her face, Stefani by her side, she heard Erik call out from downstairs, "Found him!"
Five minutes. Just as he'd said.
They went back downstairs once Julia was put together enough, and to Stefani's credit, everything she said, they did. Julia was glued to her hip throughout the rest of the party, and afterward, she went back to the Reyes house with her, though not before giving Bobby and Erik extra big hugs. The two huddled close together under a blanket, watching movie after movie until Stefani absolutely has to go to bed, starting at The Fault In Our Stars and ending with Lemonade Mouth. They fall asleep next to each other in Stefani's small bed, and the next morning Julia's family comes over to pick her up and wave goodbye to Stefani properly.
It was a beautiful night.
And yet…
Even though Stefani reassured her so perfectly, something in Julia remained cold, and not in that warm-ice mixed tingles way.
Though she wanted with everything in her to believe Stefani…part of her still doubted. It was a small part, a part that she shut up and buried with her feelings, but it was still there.
This was the very first time that she did not wholeheartedly believe the lie that Stefani told her.