Chapter Text
The women's washroom. Riza couldn't have been more thankful to see that worn door with the peeling label. She whipped it open so hard that it slammed against the concrete wall and echoed throughout the entire room. She stormed through the closest stall, locking it behind her and fell to her knees. The nausea that had burned her throat during her entire meeting with Grumman finally let go. She gagged uncontrollably as her breakfast contents of green tea and buttered toast sprayed into the toilet like a running faucet.
His signature was there.
[ CERTIFICATE OF HONOURABLE DISCHARGE FROM THE AMESTRIAN STATE MILITARY.
This is to certify that Riza Hawkeye has honourably served as First Lieutenant in The Amestrian State Military.
This is a Testimonial of Your Honourable and Faithful Service to the Military and Amestris.
Signed,
Führer Grumman
Brigadier-General Roy Mustang ]
Riza coughed up some more, feeling the stomach acid burning her throat. It didn't make any sense! They were supposed to rebuild Ishval together! That was what they had planned and promised! This wasn't happening! It was one of those stupid nightmares she'd be having lately. It had to be!
The stench of bile filled her nose and her head rested on the stall wall as her entire body shook. She panted and panted, tasting stomach acid on her tongue. Every so often she’d feel the urge to hurl again but it was nothing more than spit. It was okay, it would be! She’d just walk into the Colonel’s office and laugh with him about the cruel joke he played.
She picked up the certificate again, the sight of that signature that she had gotten so familiar with making her queasy again. Except this wasn’t a joke. How could he do this? What was his plan this time? Dismissing her from the military on honourable discharge? Was he insane?
During their meeting, Grumman allowed her to have a couple hours to gather her things and say goodbyes if she wished. He did crack a joke that she didn’t smile or laugh at.
“You’ll have a few hours to gather your things, and, knowing you, finishing up whatever work you have on the go, weeks in advance,” he chuckled, fully expecting Riza to join along but she didn’t. She just stared at the paper with her usual stoic facial expression, trying her best to hide the panic she was truly experiencing.
With wobbly legs, Riza stood up, no longer feeling the urge to throw up anything else and washed up in the bathroom sink. She had to find the Colonel right that second.
Except he was nowhere to be found. She had even asked the other team members and nobody knew where he had been all morning.
That meant one thing.
He was avoiding her.
She didn’t have too much time left for his antics. News would spread soon and she wanted to be out of the building for that. “Stupid,” she muttered under her breath as she trudged along the various halls. She checked the library, his office, and every hallway in the building. Nothing. The only place he could be was the cafeteria but it was nowhere near lunchtime yet. Regardless, she had to cross that out.
She walked inside and quickly scanned the room for a tall dark haired little annoying piece of- Her heart skipped at the sight of him standing in line. In his hands was a large black coffee, his usual. Riza huffed. Of course he’d be taking lunch early in order to avoid her.
She marched right over to meet him when he exited the pickup area. The look on his face when they locked eyes further confirmed her suspicions. He had been avoiding her.
"H-Hi Lieutenant."
She could see the sweat on his forehead. She just stared at him while all her confidence from earlier started to fade. Embarrassment of her discharge began bleeding through. It felt like she was in school again getting a suspension form. What should she say? What could she say at this point?
"I haven't seen you all morning," she stumbled out, trying to hide her shaking hands.
"Ah," he said, running a hand through his hair. Riza could see it shaking too. "Yeah, been a little busy today."
Silence followed as she stared at him, hoping he’d take the reins of the conversation. Would he mention it? Or would he just pretend nothing happened?
What to say… what to say…
He grit his teeth together, not looking her in the eye. "I can tell you want to yell at me... but do you mind doing it in my office instead?"
Riza could do nothing else but nod.
The walk to his office was nothing less than awkward. Neither spoke and usually Riza found comfort in their shared silences but not this time. Her mind was spinning full of questions to ask but she didn’t know what to ask first. She took a seat in the chair in front of his desk and he rolled back in his behind it. He kept avoiding her gaze which only frustrated her. “So, uh-”
"Colonel... why?" She spoke barely above a whisper.
There was a hint of pity in his eyes and she hated it. "You deserve to go out and enjoy your life," he said. "You don't need to waste any more of it in here with us old men." He laughed but Riza could hear that it was a pained one. "Meet a nice guy, have a kid, buy a house, go hang out with friends, you know, whatever else civilians do. You deserve that."
She couldn't believe he was giving her that bullshit line. She didn't want that life. She wanted to stay here and rebuild Ishval. Try and make up for her filthy sins.
"And what better time than now? With the plan to rebuild Ishval, we're restructuring-"
"You really expect me to believe that?" Her voice cracked in all different places. "Feeding me the same lines that you, yourself, hate?" She almost forgot the formality in the midst of her swirling emotions. "Sir." It came out with a bigger bite than intended and she saw the way he flinched.
“That’s because I don’t have that luxury. You, on the other hand, have so much potential. You’ve done enough for us here in The State Military that we’re incredibly thankful for so it’s time that you do something for yours-”
"Cut the nonsense, sir," she said, cutting him off again. He spoke like a corporate drone. "Who ordered you to do this?"
His head hung slightly. "Nobody," he said quietly. "It was my own decision."
Riza swallowed the incoming pressure in her throat that was fighting its way back up to the top.
"As I said earlier, you were never meant for this. You're the smartest woman I've ever met. You should've gone off to university to become a Doctor or something."
"I made this decision on my own, sir. Neither you or anyone else did." she said firmly.
"But I heavily influenced it." He did his best to hide it but Riza noticed the hurt in his eyes and the way his voice squeaked. "Don't you see? I did this to you! All of it! I think about the way you were as a teenager, eyes bright with excitement and wonder. Now all I see is despair and misery and it's because of me. You welcomed me into your home, shared the secrets of flame alchemy, trusting me, and I took that trust and spat it back in your face in the worst way possible. And to make matters worse, you entered the military and had the displeasure of slaughtering innocent people that now haunts you for the rest of your life, because of me!" His shaky breath was the only sound in the room and Riza could only watch him fiddle with his uniform button constantly as a distraction. He always did that when he was stressed or nervous about something. "I failed,” he said slowly in shame. “I failed to protect you like I promised your father before his death. And The Promised Day...I was useless. I couldn't do anything but just sit there and watch you die." Riza didn’t miss the way his shoulders tensed up at that. "So now, I'm going to make sure that you're protected. That's why I'm going to ensure that you're living the civilian life that you deserve."
She didn’t deserve anything. She wasn't a fragile little bird. She was a bloodthirsty monster. She didn’t deserve this kindness or anyone thinking of her in this way. “Like you, sir, I’ve dedicated my life to the people of this country. I wish to continue to serve them and to rebuild Ishval.”
“I’m afraid that’s not possible.”
"Colonel-"
"I'm not going to argue about this, Lieutenant. You’ve been honourably discharged.” This wasn't a joke or something she could influence. He was serious. "Go find that husband, have that kid, and buy that house, alright? You're no longer bound as my adjacent."
This wasn’t happening! "I refuse," she said in the most serious voice she's ever had. "You know very well that I am not a civilian and I never will be one. I will never find a husband, have a kid, or whatever other fantasy you've cooked up in your head. The military is my home and the only place I want to be is here. Now stop being stubborn and let me assist you in the plan to rebuild Ishval."
That must have taken Roy by surprise. He sat there for a second while he digested her words and she could see as he tried to muster up a proper response. "Are you disobeying a superior officer?"
"Yes, sir,” she replied without missing a beat. He always went for that comeback when he had nothing else and she knew it held no merit as he’d never use his rank against her that way.
He leaned back in his chair, hands together, gears clearly cranking. “This isn't up for debate. I want you to have a good life, without the military, and most importantly, without me in it.” Riza opened her mouth to retort but he continued. “I've hurt you enough. I've hurt you so much, and damn it, I'm so sorry.” Riza noticed the way he pressed his lips together for that split second to push it all back inside. He had been trying his hardest not to break but it was beginning to fail. “I'll continue with the plan to rebuild Ishval and I'll see it through, you have my word.”
Riza's mind swirled. This was happening. This was really happening. What could she do? There had to be something she could do! “Sir, wait, I-”
“Please,” he whispered, tilting his head down at his lap so his eyes were hidden by his bangs but the damp dots on his uniform pants said everything. “Don’t make this harder than it already is.”
Her eyes stung with her own tears pricking them. This was it. This was really it. She was officially discharged from the military. It was over. No more “sir”, no more “Lieutenant.” But what hurt the most?
No more Roy Mustang.
Chapter Text
To say Roy hurt was an understatement. It felt like somebody pushed his heart and soul down the stairs, stomped on them, stabbed them, and then returned them to his body, expecting him to function at one hundred percent.
It was almost impossible to get anything done during the rest of the day. News of Hawkeye’s discharge spread around the office quickly and nobody had the motivation to do anything at all. She had left immediately after his talk with her and didn’t want to say goodbye to anyone. Each member of the team met with Roy privately for confirmation and to answer the obvious question: what happened? Hawkeye was the hardest worker on the team and was insanely passionate about her job so to have her randomly be honourably discharged with nothing wrong with her was not something anyone believed.
Roy couldn't tell the real reason so “private reasons” was the best lie he could come up with in his current state. Of course nobody believed that but they didn't question him further.
He didn't stay late that night, even with paperwork due tomorrow. Screw the paperwork, he thought as the taste of whiskey touched his lips. He tilted his head back, allowing the golden liquid to trickle down his throat and burn every spot it touched. Fuck, that tasted good.
“You better be careful, chugging glasses like that,” the familiar voice spoke as they moved to join Roy at the bar.
Roy slid his empty glass forward, allowing the bartender to refill it. “Hey Madam Christmas.”
“Hey Royboy,” she said, leaning onto the bar top. “I take it that you're not doing too well?”
He let out a sarcastic breath. “Am I that obvious?” Chris just shot him a look and that caused Roy to chug down the entire refill.
“Did you tell her?”
His fingers squeezed the glass and he suddenly found the bar top’s texture fascinating. “Yes.”
Chris hummed. “And how did that go?”
Roy sighed. “About as well as you'd expect. She fought me the entire time.”
“Well, you are firing her.”
“Discharging,” Roy quickly corrected, hating the way she worded it.
Chris gave him a look. “You know how much she loves being there.”
Roy shut his eyes for a moment. “I know, you don't need to guilt me. I feel guilty as it is.”
“Feeling guilty means that you know what you're doing is wrong.”
His heart stung. “It's better for her mental wellbeing,” he argued. “I've tortured her enough.”
Chris didn't look convinced but moved on. “Did you give it to her?”
Roy’s eyes shot open but he couldn't look his aunt in the eye. “No…but it's a good thing that I didn't. I upset her…again.”
A fist slammed his way onto the top of his head. “Ow!” Roy held the hit spot and spun his seat to see one of Madam Christmas’ girls standing next to him with arms crossed.
Vanessa lowered her eyes. “You're a total idiot.”
Roy rubbed his head. “And that means hitting me on the head because?”
“Cause you're stupid,” Vanessa replied, like it was that simple of an answer.
Roy rolled his eyes. “I wasn't going to give her that after what I just put her through. I don't even know why I thought it was a good idea to begin with.”
“And here comes the sulking,” Vanessa sang, spinning Roy back and forth in his chair. “You do know that there's a woman who loves you, upset in her apartment right this second and where are you? Here, drinking your sorrows away at your pity party.”
He was not in the mood for this. “You realize that I'm the reason why she's upset, right?”
“Well duh, you just uprooted her whole life.”
She was right, but it didn’t mean she should say it. “Thanks Vanessa, I'm feeling so much better,” Roy muttered as sarcastically as possible.
“Anytime, Royboy!” Vanessa cheered before rubbing his hair, making it stick up in every which way. “Just give her the certificate before I lose my mind.”
Ugh. “I'm not giving it to her. I decided that she needs less of me. Not more of me.”
“Are you truly doing this for her or for you?” she asked. “Cause to me, it sounds like you’re trying to punish yourself more than anything else.”
Roy froze. He knew damn well that she was right, partly, anyway, but he didn’t deserve Hawkeye. He never did, but yet he was given the gift of her friendship, her partnership, and what did he do with it? Tortured her and dragged her through hell and back.
“I’d go to hell and back if you asked me to.”
Her voice rang in his head and he quickly shook it away before taking another glass of whiskey, chugging it down again. The other glasses had now caught up with him and left him with a nice dizzy buzz. Sadly, it was not enough.
“And this is when I step in,” Chris announced and yanked Roy’s glass away. “You’re too big for me to drag you back home.”
A tiny bit of annoyance filled him but Roy dismissed it. She was right. He didn’t need to be a burden to his aunt and the girls. They were here to help and the least he could do was act somewhat mature about it. “Apologies, Chris.”
“You know what would make me forgive you?” she asked with a knowing look on her face. “Giving her that damn marriage certificate.”
Roy breathed out, unconvinced. “I'll dispose of it instead. It's better that way.”
“You’ve always been so dramatic,” Vanessa said from behind the counter. She cracked open a pear cider. “That woman loves you, for better or for worse.” She took a sip.
Sometimes Roy truly didn’t know if she did. There were signs, of course, but neither of them had ever really talked about it. It was just something unspoken between them: that their careers and goals were more important than their own romantic lives. “All that matters to me is that she's safe. Whenever she's with me, she's in danger.”
“You think she cares about that?” Vanessa took another sip of her drink. “She's done so much for you. The least you could do is make her happy.”
Make her happy.
Roy wasn't sure if he could. He'd caused her nothing but pain since the day they met. “You both think it’s a good idea?” he asked slowly. “Even after what I did to her?”
Vanessa laughed. “If you don’t, then you need to stop coming here to sulk about her.”
Roy snorted, trying to ignore the embarrassment from spreading too much on his face. “Yeah, yeah, I get it.”
Vanessa leaned over the counter. “Like sure, she's upset now, but she'll feel better eventually.” She whipped her arm up, spilling a bit of her cider down her hand. “That's when you'll strike!”
He hesitated, still not fully believing her words. He didn't want to discharge the Lieutenant and then immediately ask for her hand in marriage. He was stupid, but he wasn't that stupid. “I suppose so.”
Chris took a seat next to him at the barstools. “You both made it this far. Don’t punish yourself.”
Roy breathed out and slowly lowered his shoulders down. Deep down, he knew he wanted to still have the Lieutenant by his side. He wanted that more than anything but he couldn’t keep her in harm's way. “I can't.”
Vanessa glared at him and slid along the side of the counter, heels clacking against the floor. “Don't make me bump you again.”
He sighed. “I don't know, I'll think about it…”
Riza’s sleep was nothing short of crap, if she wanted to put it into words. She woke up to panic sweats multiple times every hour and thanks to the nightmares, had moments where she believed that the events that conspired weren’t real. Nope, she was living in the nightmares. When her alarm finally rang at five o’clock that morning, her stomach stung. Setting that alarm wouldn’t be a requirement any longer. She gazed at the ceiling. What should she do with her life now? How could she possibly go on? Without Colonel Mustang and the military, she truly didn’t know what else to do. How was she to live a normal life? Was that even possible for someone like her? Did she even deserve it?
Those dark thoughts came creeping back the longer she watched the ceiling tiles. It was as if the gun she kept under her bed kept whispering in a long drawled out voice.
Roy Mustang disposed of you because you were so pathetic. You have no one else who loves or cares for you. It would be better if you used me to rid yourself and of all the burdens you carry. Nobody would notice you gone. Not even him.
Riza ripped herself off the mattress and took some sharp, shaky breaths. She wiped her sleeve across her wet eyes and continued her morning routine as if she were going to work for some sort of normality. She refused to allow herself to succumb to the harsh emotions she was experiencing, even though she so badly wanted to. There had to be a way for her to jump back into the military. Maybe the Colonel would come visit today, apologizing for the harsh prank.
Her dry throat ached from the crying from last night so she took a couple of slow slips of water. She had only allowed a twenty minute time slot for crying and that was it. She forbade herself from being any more pathetic than she already acted.
It had been a good couple of hours that Riza spent stress cleaning her entire apartment. It hadn’t really needed cleaning but she found herself wandering around, tinkering with things, running a cloth across surfaces that were hardly dusty, and even washed a few of her civilian shirts. Something, anything, to keep her mind occupied.
She sat at the kitchen table with a mug of green tea but she truly didn’t have a single bit of an appetite. The warmth of the mug travelled through her palms and she found herself staring at one of the blank walls in her apartment.
What good are you if you’re not in the military? You really think that you deserve to retire and have a peaceful life? You’ll never rid the blood from your hands. You killed them, it’s only right that you kill your-
Riza jumped from the sudden banging on the front door.
“Rizaaaa! Open up the door!”
Her heartbeat pounded deep into her ears and she stayed frozen where she was. Goosebumps formed on her arms. She had to calm down.
There were more bangs on the door. “Don’t you dare play this game with me! Open the damn door or I will break it down!”
Riza inwardly groaned at that voice she recognized. There was no choice. She had to answer. Rebecca would no doubt get louder and aggressive. Wait, why was Rebecca here to begin with? It was quarter after eight. Shouldn’t she be at work?
By the time Riza managed to stand up and unlock the door, the knocks were constant and it actually did sound like they were to break through the wood.
Rebecca stood with her hair in its usual ponytail but her being in her civilian clothing was strange. “Rebecca? Aren’t you supposed to be at work?”
“Nope!” She furrowed her eyebrows. “I’m here to see what the fuck happened to my best friend! Miss Married to Her Work! Like what? You just dipped?”
Riza had no idea how to answer. She opened and closed her mouth a couple of times but couldn’t come up with anything. Luckily for her, Rebecca was in her ranting mood. She busted through the apartment on her own and began pacing. “The news spread around and at first I thought it was just lies to stir up drama but then each member of your team approached me, asking what the fuck happened, as if I were supposed to know.” She scoffed to herself. “So I went to find you but apparently you just left without a word to anybody! I tried to find your stupid superior but he was nowhere to be found either!” She turned to face Riza. “So? What the hell happened?”
Telling a lie would’ve been the smart decision but it was like she was frozen. Riza couldn’t push any words out. She couldn’t put on the usual “I’m okay” fake smile. She had been kicked out of the military and it was Roy Mustang who did it.
Her silence must’ve sunk in because Rebecca frowned in understanding. “Oh Riza...”
That alone was enough for Riza’s eyes to fill up a bit. She blinked harshly. No crying allowed.
“What happened?” Rebecca now had her hands on Riza’s arms. “You can tell me!”
Rebecca’s deep stare didn’t help anything. Riza gazed at a section of her floor, in hopes that would calm her down enough to speak. It began to work, but ever so slowly. Clearly it wasn’t fast enough for Rebecca as she stared for a few more seconds before talking again and Riza was ever so thankful. "I know you’re refusing to tell me anything, but did something happen between you and Mustang? Is that why he's kicking you out?" She then snorted. “What, did he ask to fuck or something and you turned him down? Cause you do know that you can get him in huge trouble for sexual harrassment.”
“Rebecca!” Riza scolded, not wanting to go down that route.
“What?” Rebecca laughed. “He’s petty that way.”
“Nothing happened.”
“Clearly something did because you being this upset means that this was not your choice. Which means that douchebag did it.” She eyed her. “And yes, he is a douchebag, asshat, bastard, manwhore, womanizing-”
“Rebecca-”
“Shh, I’m not done! Arrogant manchild, perverted little boy, prissy little sleaze.” She paused, counting each name on a finger. “And he’s not even good looking.”
Riza bit back a small chuckle at her friend's antics.
“There’s that smile!” Rebecca squeezed Riza’s cheeks but quickly let go before she’d get scolded again. “But seriously, fuck that guy. You’re finally free! It must feel good to not have to babysit that toddler anymore.” She eyed Riza at the silence in the room. "It does feel good, right?"
Riza sighed, knowing exactly where this was headed. "I don't want to do this now."
Rebecca rolled her eyes, clearly holding back. “Fine fine, consoleing first. Then I'll bug you. But seriously, do you really want to be another one of his hoes? Don't think so! Disgusting womanizer."
Riza shook her head at the words coming out of her mouth.
“What! It’s true! Ugh, he pisses me off so much.” Rebecca then smiled. “You’re not his slave anymore! You don’t have to feed him, burp him, wipe his ass for him, or whatever other degrading thing he forced you to do!”
Riza shook her head again, giving the classic deadpan Riza stare. Is this what people thought her and the Colonel’s relationship was like? She knew it was something along that theme but didn’t realize how bad it had gotten.
“But anyway, now that you finally have free time, want me to set you up on a date? I know a few guys that might be your type this time! Take your mind off things?” Rebecca asked with sparkling eyes. Rebecca’s taste in men was… different, to say the least. Not that Riza doubted her friend’s ability to find men, but to find one worth more than a one night stand was questionable. “Ooh, it could be a blind date to make things fun!”
The word 'blind' triggered flashbacks of her and Mustang on The Promised Day, her being his pair of eyes while he shot flames. Then came the look of his blind eyes reflecting her own terror on her face. He looked so scared and helpless, a sight that she hardly ever saw on him. After all of that, they had come to terms with the fact that he’d be permanently blind. When Marcoh arrived with the Philosopher's Stone, she could see the tears in his eyes.
"Riza! Hey, hey!"
Riza felt herself being shaken which snapped her back to reality. Rebecca was studying her face. "You good?"
Riza swallowed the huge lump in her throat. "Yes."
“You started spacing out and breathing heavily… look, if the thought of a blind date freaks you out that much, I’ll introduce you to the guy first.” She hummed and let go of her. "Okay, how about this? Let's go shopping, get you some new sexy outfits. Then we can burn all your uniforms. Hey, don't give me that look, it's therapeutic!"
Riza truly didn't feel like doing anything but decided to go along anyway. Better to distract than sit at home and allow the thoughts to consume her. “Okay, I’ll go.”
“Yes!” Rebecca cheered and then pointed a finger. “But don’t think this means that this conversation is over. You’ll have to tell me what happened sooner or later or else I’ll have to bug Mr. Douchebag himself.” She poked Riza lightly on the arm. “And I’ll give that arrogant prick a piece of my mind!”
“I know,” Riza nudged her, biting back a smile. “Let’s go.”
Rebecca marched on, still blabbing away about how much she hated the Colonel.
“And seriously, his dick must have been in every girl in Amestris by now! So fucking nasty! He did you a fucking favour if you ask me! Get you outta there before he tries to woo you too. You deserve much better to even be associated with that obnoxious pig.”
Riza eventually broke and actually smiled a true smile. She was so thankful to have Rebecca in her life.
Chapter Text
That day with Rebecca had truly helped Riza spend some time away from her intrusive thoughts and allowed her to breathe for the first time in the last little while. She did end up purchasing a few new tops that she liked. They weren't what one would consider 'sexy' and Rebecca scolded her for being so modest, but Riza liked them all the same.
Now back at her apartment, her brain started to fill in the silence out of her control. She sat into her couch cushion and when her stomach pained, she knew exactly what it missed. That dark haired Colonel, or Brigadier-General now. He kicked her out of the military in order to protect her. He didn't want to hurt her anymore, as if it hadn't been her own doing to begin with, but no matter how many times she'd explain it, he wouldn't listen. But... she hung her head and tucked it between her thighs. It didn't matter the reason. Roy was the one who kicked her out, despite knowing their plans to fix Ishval together. Her legs curled in on themselves. At this time, she'd be in the office, giving the Colonel crap for not being finished with the reports. He'd give her one of his charming smiles. She'd roll her eyes and go prepare his cup of coffee to help push him through. The silence of her apartment was deafening. This was her new normal now and she couldn’t stand it.
A thought crossed Riza's mind just then. What if this was just payment for her much overdue sins? She didn't deserve a good job with lots of trusted friends and colleagues. Hell, she didn't even deserve the Colonel, if she were being honest. Yes, that's what this was. She was simply atoning for the horrors she committed. She looked up at the same blank wall from this morning and wiped her damp eyes with her sleeves. This is what she deserved.
If you need a safe way out, I’m still here.
A sudden knock at the door caused her to jump. A harsh breath struck through her lips as she tried to gain her composure. She had to stop zoning out like this. A hand made its way down to the gun that she had holstered to her leg. It was around ten o'clock at night so who was visiting her at that hour? Part of her hoped that it was the Colonel coming to get her but the knock wasn't their special one. The only other person who had her address was Rebecca but she wouldn't knock calmly and she had just been there earlier. Maybe the Elric's? They did have her address too, now that she thought about it.
With one hand on her gun, Riza slowly opened the front door. Her eyes blinked at the sight of the blonde man standing there. "Havoc?"
The way his hand flew to his head in salute forced a vomit feeling to fill Riza's throat. "Good evening, First Lieutenant Hawkeye. Pardon my late visit."
"Havoc, you don't need to salute or address me like that anymore."
"Oh uh," Havoc rubbed the back of his neck. "Sorry, force of habit."
Not wanting to talk about that, Riza quickly switched the subject. "What brings you here?" she asked. "How did you get my address?"
Havoc looked both ways and kept his voice down. "...Catalina."
Of course it was Rebecca.
"Apologies again, I just wanted to check up, see how you were. Things were chaotic as soon as the news was announced. Like, what the hell?" Havoc ran a hand through his hair. "Not that any of it is my business..." He trailed off, clearly not wanting to overstep his ranking.
Riza had to respond carefully. "I needed a break after The Promised Day." That was the only excuse she could come up with at short notice and it sounded legit enough.
"Ah, yeah, that makes sense." He clearly didn't buy it but was being polite. "We'll all miss you a lot, but we're happy for you too." He chuckled a bit. "It's a lot of mixed emotions."
Warmth travelled through her. "Thank you," she said. "I'll miss all of you as well."
Havoc's lips twisted and it was clear that there was something else on his mind. It was odd of him to visit her of all people and the fact that he had to get her address out of Rebecca in order to do so made the entire thing strange.
"What is it?"
He snapped back into focus. "Sorry, it's nothing. Just work stuff."
"I can tell that you want to say something else."
Havoc still looked reluctant to say anything but then sighed. "It's just... the Boss... He's not right. He's isolating himself, not eating lunch. He's there physically but not mentally. You have to repeat anything you say to him at least four times," He then shrugged. "Not that he's your problem anymore, I guess."
To hear this wasn't all that shocking. Of course the Colonel would be a mess at work after doing what he had done. Another reason of many why pulling this stunt was a stupid idea. He had to come over here soon to take her back. He had to.
"I hope you're doing okay,” he said, changing the subject and Riza was thankful. “It must be nice to be out of the military. You can finally live like a normal person. Kinda jealous." He laughed and slid both hands into his pockets. "Ugh, sorry if I've been a little tweaky. Been itching for a cigarette."
"Have you been trying to quit?"
"Kinda. There's a girl I've been eyeing and I don't think she likes smokers."
Riza quirked an eyebrow. "You shouldn't quit for someone else. That's not sustainable."
Havoc smirked. "God, we're going to be so screwed without you."
Hearing that brought another warm feeling to Riza's heart. She was seriously going to miss her team.
"Any plans with your new freedom?" he asked.
Riza hesitated but tried her best to act casual. "I haven't thought that far ahead."
"Really? That's unlike you." Havoc then must have realized the subject was touchy and took a step back. Did she really look as broken as she felt? She had thought she did a good job at hiding it. "Well anyway, I'll let you go. At least I can tell everyone that you're okay. They’ve been wondering."
"Have a good night," she said. "Thank you for checking in on me. That was very kind."
"Of course!" Havoc grinned. "We all care for you. Don't forget that, alright?"
A small smile formed on Riza's face. "I promise."
"Night!" he called. He turned to leave but then stopped and peeked his head around again. "Hey uh, I know it's not my place but... if something happened between you and him, he definitely regrets it. Trust me.”
That vomit feeling she had gotten so used to stuck to her throat. All she could do was wave to which he waved back before facing forward and leaving her alone.
Work the following day had been nothing short of a mess. Roy couldn’t focus at all and they instantly fell behind. Hawkeye had done her due diligence by preparing all of the reports and documents for the next couple of days in advance, as much as she could with the information that was provided that early, but of course Roy screwed up her hard work. His desk was littered with towers of paper and he had people coming constantly asking for an ETA on certain pieces that he hadn’t even had the time to start yet. That obviously put him in a not so stellar mood. He ended up snapping at each one of his team members, though Breda and Havoc got the brunt of most of it since they were in charge of those time pressing reports. It was obvious that he had turned into such an ass when anytime anyone came over, even to ask him the simplest of questions, they were tiptoeing and flinching, expecting to be blown up in a flame blast.
“Apologies again, Boss,” Havoc stepped over and Roy saw the way his body recoiled. “They’re really pressing me for that report about the new rail line.”
“Yes, I know,” he gritted his teeth. “I’m working on it.”
Havoc’s lips pressed together as he hesitated. “They need it within the hour.”
Roy’s fingers couldn’t possibly get any sweatier. “I know .”
“Apologies,” he gave a half bow and sped walked out of the office.
When the door clicked shut, Roy slammed a fist on the top of his desk. How was he supposed to complete this within the hour!? An image of Hawkeye leaning over his desk and placing a white mug of coffee came to mind and suddenly his tongue was craving that special blend she’d make for him whenever he was stressed. He shook his head to try and focus. He had no time to daydream right now. The Ishvalans were having a meeting today about the new rail line they had planned to build there and he needed to complete the finishing touches on the details. They had originally given him plenty of time and even Hawkeye had filled out as much as she could at the time, but with current events, Roy allowed it to slip and all of the sudden it was due now. He was so stupid!
The clock read that it was lunch which meant he had until one o’clock to finish it. It was okay. His body had stopped asking for food days ago.
Roy managed to complete those time sensitive documents in time for the meeting with the Ishvalans. They weren't his best work but it was fine enough to call finished. It didn't help that someone specific had been on his mind the entire day. He had one last mission to check off for that day and the mere thought caused butterflies in his stomach.
The conversations with his aunt and Vanessa had played in his head ever since they talked and his thoughts landed on just checking in on the Lieutenant. He'd bring the papers along in case he changed his mind but wouldn't be pressured into following through with it. That way he could tell his aunt and Vanessa that he tried. He grabbed the papers from his desk and made his way back to his place to get dressed into something other than his military uniform.
His home visit took far longer than anticipated but Roy was alright with that. He looked and felt good. After a shower that had been the length of four people's showers, a fresh shave, a tiny spurt of cologne, changing into his favourite suit, and spending too much time being picky about his hair, he was finally ready. Roy breathed deeply at his reflection in the mirror. It was now or never.
The entire walk over to Hawkeye's apartment was spent with Roy's head in the clouds. What would marriage life be like? What kinds of activities would they do together? How would they decorate their apartment? What meals would they cook? His heart almost couldn't take it. He had to calm down. He wasn't actually going to propose. He was just checking in on her and that was it.
Now standing at her door, it took Roy a couple minutes before knocking and he almost bolted but stopped. The image of his aunt giving him a disapproving look and Vanessa's tiny fist plopping him on the head again came to mind. He couldn't give up now. He had to at least see her.
When she answered the door, he didn't even know how to address her. Lieutenant? No, that's super insensitive. Hawkeye? Still sounds wrong. Riza Hawkeye? Too formal. Riza? Definitely not her first name. How was he to address her now!?
She stood in the doorway in a baggy white button up shirt with a black skirt and her hair had been removed from its typical clip. With both arms across the front of her body, it reminded him of when they first met when they were younger. She always did that pose as if to protect herself. Seeing that again kind of stung a bit. He caused that.
"Hey," he replied lamely, mentally scolding himself for sounding like such an idiot. Vanessa was right. He was an idiot, a total idiot.
"Hello, Colonel. What brings you here?"
She sounded so cold, stoic, detached. His heart ached and suddenly, this wasn't a good idea. He should just abandon ship before it was too late.
"Sorry to impose on you like this, I uh," he stopped, faltering on his words. What should his excuse be? Think! Think! Before he could stop, he blurted out, "I was wondering if you'd seen Havoc around?"
She raised an eyebrow. "Havoc?"
"Y-Yeah! Havoc." He had never sounded more unsure in his life and he knew she knew that he was bullshitting. "I need him to sign some documents for me before tomorrow morning."
"I'm afraid he's not here. I think you'd have better luck trying his place."
Her deadpan tone, god he missed it today. "He's not there, I checked already." He then waved it off. Running away was the only option. "That's quite alright, I'm sure I'll manage. Apologies again for bothering you. Have a good night." He whipped his back around so he wouldn't have to see her face. He was such an idiot! He began walking away, just gazing at the floor.
"Excuse me, Brigadier-General Mustang, sir?"
Hearing that sir froze his entire body. He couldn't turn around. Red flags flapped in his mind. He was done. She knew his lies. "What is it?"
"What's the real reason for your visit?"
Shit.
"I told you," he said, keeping his back to her. "I was looking for Havoc."
"You travelled all this way to find a colleague at night for work that could be completed tomorrow morning?"
It sounded just as phony as it truly was. He thought fast. "It's due tomorrow morning so I wanted it done tonight."
Her voice turned to slight confusion. "And you thought Havoc would be at my apartment?"
"No! I wasn't trying to imply anything!" Ugh, he was losing his game! "I've tried some of the other team member's homes as well. Not just yours."
Her hard stare burned him. He couldn’t see it, but he could feel it. "Sir, I know you're lying."
He let out a slow breath. That was it. Game Over. He slowly turned around but it was hard to look her in the eye. "Fine," he sighed loudly. "I just wanted to make sure you were doing alright. That's all."
"I'm fine, sir. Why wouldn't I be?"
"Well, you know,” he said awkwardly. “With yesterday's events I thought-"
"I'm fine, sir."
She was so not fine. God, he hurt her so badly. “Okay, well, that’s good to hear.” He forced out a smile. A small one was all he could muster. “I’ll leave you to the rest of your evening then.”
He ripped his eyes away and turned his back on her again. He stood there for a second, waiting and hoping that her reply would be something positive.
“Goodnight, sir.”
Damn. His heart sunk. Her voice didn’t even have a hint of that slight affection that it normally did when they bid farewell for the night. Now it was all dry. The paper burned a hole in his pants pocket. This was why he couldn’t even think about proposing. What was he even thinking? He’d burn it when he was outside.
Roy exited the apartment building and turned the block, stopping to lean against the nearest brick wall. He peered up at the starry sky and cursed. Moments like these called for a glass of whiskey but he couldn’t face Madam Christmas and the girls. He’d just get another bonk on the head and be called a pathetic idiot. Though, that’s exactly what he was. This was the last time he’d visit Hawkeye. No more after this, he told himself. There was no sense in bothering her more. He may have hurt her and ruined what they had together, but at least she was safe out of the military. With that knowledge, he could now just disappear from her life. He could at least promise that much.
Chapter Text
Riza leaned against her closed door and could barely breathe. That performance deserved an award. Trying to appear okay and not desperate to jump in his arms and pray for him to take her back. The Colonel had visited to check up on her! He actually came over to see her! Her heart thumped, slightly deafening her from the world. She couldn’t stop the schoolgirl butterflies from flickering in her heart. He looked so damn handsome in his suit and he very clearly spent awhile on his hair. Why had he been so dressed up?
Then it hit her like a gunshot through the lungs.
He came over to check on her right before going out on a date. He had moved on from her. That explained why he kicked her out of the military and had been dressed so nicely. Riza then realized that he hadn’t tried to take her back during their conversation. He hadn’t tried to apologize and explain that the entire thing had been a joke. He did his due diligence for his past subordinate and once he had seen that she was alright, he left quickly to carry on with his eventful evening.
You really thought he cared for you? You were nothing but a tool for him to use. All tools end up replaced once a shiny new one comes along.
Colonel Mustang was never coming to get her back. He was done with her. Forever.
Riza’s knees slammed onto her apartment flooring as she collapsed. Her limbs shook madly, throat tightened. The world around her blurred and slowed down to slow motion. She gasped for air and gagged, her body trying its hardest to throw something up but couldn’t.
Come on already, do the world a favour. Avenge those poor Ishvalans you obliterated.
The sounds of screaming children that she murdered in cold blood, buildings exploding, rumble falling and squashing more innocent people all echoed in her head on repeat like a skipping record.
The horrors only became louder and louder, suffocating her.
You’ve lived on long enough for the sins you’ve given the world.
She fell forward, stomach hitting the floor. She couldn’t breathe. She couldn’t breathe! The screams rang her ears until she could feel it vibrating on her skull. They slammed into her skull and ear drums, screaming and crying blending into one horrific scarring sound that repeated over and over and over. The pleads of the innocent Ishvalan people. The smell of the decaying bodies in the Ishvalan heat.
Tears burned her cheeks as her fingernails dug deep into the wooden flooring. Riza scraped her body across the floor with one goal in mind.
One last goal to complete.
She sat up on the floor and with the cool silver metal now nestled softly into her hands, she removed the safety, staring deep into the barrel. The gun shook violently and she had stopped breathing now. The dark hole taunted her.
What are you so scared of? You could do it to sweet and innocent children.
The scent of gunpowder leaked off the metal and the screeches of Ishvalan children continued to beat the inside of her head.
Colonel Mustang wants this. He wants you gone.
Her eyes fought to close but she forced them open to see what they saw before their injustice. She lost feeling in her arms and her chest felt as though it would explode like an Ishvalan landmine.
It’s what you deserve. You must make things right.
Her finger rested against the trigger.
Avenge them. This is the only way. This is your apology.
Her heart pounded in her ears.
You’ll make Roy Mustang happy.
Barking echoed in the bedroom. Riza jolted and squeezed the trigger.
The following day at work was just as busy as the one before. Without Hawkeye there, things piled up despite the team trying their best to be as speedy as possible. It also seemed like everyone needed him for something and Roy was about to explode at the next person who bothered him.
The phone rang and Roy inwardly groaned. Did he seriously need even more people bothering him? Nevertheless, he placed it against his ear, trying not to sound as snappy as he felt. “Hello, Brigadier-General Mustang speaking.”
“Good morning, sir. This is the Amestrian Hospital calling.”
His eyebrow furrowed. Why would he be receiving a call from the hospital?
“We’re calling in regards to Riza Hawkeye. They have you on her emergency contact list.”
His breathing hitched and panic struck up his throat. “What happened to her!?” His volume alerted the rest of his team.
“She suffered a gunshot wound to the head. She’s currently undergoing surgery but is stable. She’ll be monitored closely for the time being.”
His entire body shot cold. A gunshot wound to the head? Did someone break into her apartment? Who and why!? Right then, visions of their interaction last night filled his mind and he remembered how cold and monotone her voice and face had been. Did she… do it to herself…?
“Hello?”
Roy opened his mouth to speak but couldn’t push anything out. He had to see her now. He slammed the phone down on the receiver.
“Hey Boss, what’s going on?” Havoc asked, poking his head up from his book.
Roy didn’t look at any of his team members. His legs wobbled and barely had the strength to even move but he pushed to get out of there as fast as possible.
He had to see her.
The minute he arrived at the hospital, things were not going his way. He stormed over to the front desk. “I’m here to see Riza Hawkeye.”
The receptionist gave him a small frown. “She’s currently in the operating room. We’ll call you when she’s available for visitation.”
He popped out his watch. “I’m Brigadier-General Mustang. I demand to see her.”
The receptionist hardly budged. “I’m sorry but no visitors are allowed in the operating room.”
Why were they being so difficult!? Roy’s fingers pressed together as he spoke in a dark voice. “ Let me see her. ”
Another nurse popped up from behind him with a clipboard in her arms and gave him a glare. “Sir, this is a hospital. You’re disturbing the guests.”
He peered around at the frightened looks on the nurses’ and patients’ faces that were scattered around the room. With a shaky breath, he dropped his hand. “Fine,” was all he said before plopping down in the nearest waiting corner.
Waiting there had to be the hardest thing he had ever done. The minutes on the clock ticked by slower than he ever thought possible. His leg hadn’t stopped vibrating.
I'm fine, sir. Why wouldn't I be?
She hadn’t been fine. He knew that, but still he ran away from her like a coward, afraid of hurting her more than he already had and now here she was… in the freaking hospital from something she did to herself. Roy’s fists clenched up as he breathed heavily. She seriously tried to end her own life due to Roy’s actions. Leaving the military was that horrible to her that she’d rather be… dea-
I’m fine, sir.
“You weren’t fine!” Roy shouted, his voice shot out like a violent growl. “Why did I leave you!?” A fist hit the nearest chair’s arm.
He couldn’t tell just how much his voice echoed off the hospital walls until a nurse approached him with a very stern look. “Sir, I’m going to have to ask you to leave.”
He whipped his head down, trying to shield his wet eyes with his bangs. “I need to see her,” he said through gritted teeth. “I need to see her.”
“I understand but I can’t have you yelling throughout the hospital.”
“I apologize,” he whispered, trying to keep himself from completely spilling over. His breaths were shaky and he felt as if his heart was going to burst.
“One more outburst and we’ll have security escort you, understood?”
“Yes,” he whispered again and squeezed his pant legs. Damn it.
The hours dragged on and on. Hawkeye’s sweet voice continued to eat away at Roy, digging and digging like a satchel.
I’m fine, sir.
I’m fine, sir. Why wouldn’t I be?
Goodnight, sir.
He kept it together enough to not get kicked out but the enamel on his teeth were clearly worn away to nothing. The nurse had said that she was stable but for how long? What if the surgery failed and she-? He bit his tongue, chewing on it harshly. Why did he always cause her pain? Why did he always screw up so badly? Why did it always have to hurt her? The metal tang of blood coated his tongue. Why was he so fucking stupid?
Roy almost burst out of his seat when the receptionist called to him alerting him about visitation. The first round of surgery had been complete but she still had multiple other sessions to undergo, however, they allowed for short visitations, probably to get Roy out of there.
He charged through the halls, room 103 not appearing quick enough. When he turned the corner of the hall, he saw a woman hunched over on a bench crying her eyes out. He kept his distance, mind just focused on seeing Hawkeye.
The door was open so he took a step in, holding his breath. When he peered in and saw the most important person in the world to him laying on that metal bed, he almost threw up. It wasn’t a joke. Part of him hoped that it had been some sick joke after all and that it wouldn’t be her laying there.
But it was. She was truly there.
The surgeons had bandaged up one half of her face that went from her chin all the way to the back of her head, covering half of her nose, one of her eyes, and one ear. She had tubes attached and was sleeping, covered nicely under some blankets that looked far too itchy.
He dashed over, tears finally spilling over. He slammed down onto his knees, grabbing her one exposed hand with both of his like a prayer. “Fuck I’m so sorry! ” he whispered, still trying to keep it together for her. “I didn’t mean for this to happen! I just wanted to protect you! Fuck, god, I’m so stupid! ” His tears dropped onto her hospital blanket. “Why do I always hurt you!?” His entire body shuddered and he squeezed her hand far too hard. “Please just wake up! Please! ”
The silence of the hospital room mixed with those anxiety inducing beeps of her monitor didn’t help calm him down in the slightest. He lowered his head onto her chest and didn’t let go of her hand. Her scent comforted him until his nose was so clogged that he couldn’t smell a damn thing.
“You!”
Roy’s shoulders shot up and he lifted his head up, sniffing like mad to try and clear it. One hand let go of Hawkeye’s to wipe his face but he kept his other perfectly intertwined with hers.
Standing by the doorway was no other than Rebecca Catalina. Her eyes were blood red and puffy. Her cheeks were inflamed and hair in the messiest ponytail he had ever seen her in. Despite that, the glare she sported looked as if she could kill him.
“Catalina,” he said, trying to hide the fact that he had been bawling not a second before. “What are you doing here?”
“Get away from her!” she shouted, taking a step into the room. “You have no right to be here or even touch her!”
Roy was not in the mood to deal with Catalina’s crap. How did she know about Riza being in here this soon? He didn’t move and instead squeezed Riza’s hand.
“This is all your fault! Riza’s in here because of you! ” Catalina shouted, pointing a finger. “Get away from her!”
Roy still didn’t move. He glared right back. “Don’t even try me today, Catalina,” he spat with such darkness.
She rolled her eyes, daring to step closer. “Go ahead! Murder me too, why don’t you!”
That stung and Roy’s free hand shoveled itself into a tight fist.
“This is all because of you!” she shouted with pure rage. “First you fire her from the job that she loves so much and then you decide to ditch her too, like she means absolutely nothing to you! Next time I go to hangout with her, she won’t answer her door!” she panted, trying to catch her breath. “I end up panicking and calling the cops and guess what they find!?” Her eyes burned into his as she choked on the mess in her throat. “Her fucking corpse on the ground with a gun beside it! It was no fucking accident!” Tears rolled down her face as she continued to scream at him. “You took away everything she had and she couldn’t take it! You destroyed her life so badly that she was fine with taking it herself! So no! You don’t have any right to be here! Get the hell out of here before I call security!”
“You think I don’t know that!?” Roy growled back, hardly able to stop shaking. Hearing it out loud ate away at his heart like acid. “I was just trying to protect her!”
“Well good fucking job!” she screamed, littered with sarcasm. “You drove the strongest person I know to shoot herself in the head!”
Roy’s eyes filled up again and his lungs pounded deep in his chest. His brain swirled when the mental imagery of Hawkeye’s limp body laying on the ground next to the gun that she used against herself was all that he could see. A large puddle of her own blood poured out, just painting her entire apartment floor. Poor Black Hayate whimpering and licking his master.
“I’m going to make sure that this spreads around the entire military headquarters so they know the real you and the real reason for Riza’s dismissal! Fucking bullshit!” she screeched so loudly that her throat went scratchy. “And if she dies, I swear to god I will sue you until you have nothing left!”
“Shut up!” Roy blurted through gritted teeth. “Just shut up!” He wobbled to his feet, hardly able to feel his own body. “You think I don’t feel shitty enough for this?” he laughed with pure sarcasm while his own tears finally fluttered down his cheeks. “She almost died during the Promised Day and I was just trying to protect her by keeping her out of the military and without me! You see what I do to her?” Roy could taste the salt on his lips. “I do nothing but hurt her!”
Rebecca scoffed extra loud on purpose. “You deserve no sympathy!” She spat with pure venom. “Burn in hell!”
Roy wiped his eyes with his sleeve and peered down at Riza who hadn’t moved at all since his visit. Her machine beeped away in perfect rhythm. He did deserve to burn in hell.
“I don’t know what stupid creepy backstory you two have that has kept Riza stuck to your side like glue,” Rebecca went on. “But maybe instead of only thinking with your dick, maybe, just maybe, try to appreciate the bullshit she’s gone through for you!”
Roy’s eyes immediately burned Catalina. “You don’t have any right to comment on anything that goes on between us, you got that?”, he snapped. She assumed that just because she was upset that she was able to directly insult both him and Hawkeye like that? She really was pushing her damn luck! “I have and always will appreciate everything she’s done for me!”
Rebecca laughed loudly, making sure to roll her head back. “Oh that’s rich! We both know that you found some better hookup and because Riza has far more self respect than any of the other whores you fuck, you got pissed and finally threw her in the dumpster!”
Roy stomped his one foot forward and threw his hands in the air. “Are you listening to yourself!? You seriously think that Hawkeye means that little to me!?”
“Yes! Actually, I do!” she spat. “I know that you’ve been trying to get with her for years and I guess your manwhore ass finally couldn’t take waiting for her anymore so you ditched her to make room for another girl that will absolutely ‘swoon’ over your ‘charm’!” She made sure to include air quotes with an eye roll.
Roy could hardly believe what was coming out of her mouth. He shot daggers at her. “Fuck you, Catalina.”
She let out a sarcastic laugh. “Yeah, no thanks! I don’t want a dick that’s been in every girl in Amestris!” Her one hand slid onto her hip when a smirk grew onto her face. “And clearly neither does Riza.”
A nurse that clearly heard their dispute but chose to ignore it stepped into the room with a clipboard in her arms. “Apologies but visitation is over.”
Both Roy and Rebecca quieted down immediately, knowing to behave to avoid being kicked out from the hospital permanently. Rebecca flicked her hair at Roy before shooting him the finger and stomping away.
Roy could do nothing but stand there, full body shaking like mad.
Roy cursed the next day at work. It was clear from the looks he received by any soldier who passed him that Catalina had done her work. Everybody in the military now knew what he had done to poor Hawkeye.
Even his own team barely spoke with him and whenever they had to for a job, they avoided eye contact. The only one who would speak to him was Havoc but it was simple small talk.
Lunch was even worse. Roy went to the cafeteria for a coffee and a ham sandwich but it was like every table had their own theories of what had happened.
“I heard that they slept together and he left her for another woman!”
“I heard that they got into a fight and he burned her so badly that she couldn’t take the pain anymore!”
“I heard that she was so bad in bed that he drove her to shoot herself!”
“He flat out shot her!”
Like clockwork, each table hushed up the second he passed by. Normally he’d scold each and every one of them but he didn’t have the energy. And what, was he supposed to correctly inform them that he destroyed her life to the point of driving her to end it? Like that was any better.
Suddenly, that ham sandwich was as appealing as dirt.
When work ended, Roy emptied his desk for the day and slung his jacket over his shoulder. Weirdly, Havoc still lingered in the office.
“Hey Havoc,” Roy said. “You know you've been dismissed for the day, right?”
“Yeah,” he said, awkwardly lingering.
Roy raised an eyebrow. “Then why are you still here? Everybody’s gone.”
Havoc’s eyes wandered around the office. “I uh-” He cut himself off and fiddled with an unlit cigarette in his hand. “...How are you doing?”
There it was. Havoc wanted more details about Hawkeye but he was about to get none. “We’re not talking about it,” Roy said in a harsh tone.
“I just don’t get it,” he whispered. “Why would she do that?”
“I said we’re not talking about it,” Roy snapped and turned his back to leave. He didn’t want to deal with this. He made it to the doorway when Havoc spoke again.
“I was thinking of visiting her.”
Roy’s feet squeaked to a stop but he didn’t turn around. Instead he grumbled out, “She’ll be in surgery for the next couple days so don’t bother.”
“Oh.” Havoc’s voice fell. “Is she going to be okay?”
Roy’s fist clenched at his side.
“Is she?” Havoc’s voice turned panicky.
“I don’t know, Havoc!” Roy’s voice raised in volume. “Stop talking to me about it.”
“Alright,” he whispered. “Have a good night, Boss.”
Roy left immediately and as badly as he wanted to go to the hospital in case Hawkeye woke up, he knew that he wouldn’t be allowed in the operating room anyway. His lips craved whiskey but there was so way he’d face the girls and his aunt. Instead, he went back to his place and drank vodka until he was sick.
Chapter Text
Damn, he was late. He was so late. Roy rushed down the hall, trying not to look as though he was running but he was definitely going to be late. Thanks to his drunk self not setting the alarm the following night, now there he was, dashing down hall after hall for the changeroom. It also didn’t help that he had a splitting headache from the booze residue.
Hawkeye was sure going to kick his-
Roy stopped running and suddenly felt weak.
Oh.
Right.
His already bad mood dampened and suddenly the hurry to show up to work on time was the least of his concerns. Why did it matter if he was late now? It wasn’t like he had anything to look forward to at work anymore.
He placed a hand on the changeroom door and swung it open.
“Yo, it’s crazy about Hawkeye,” one guy laughed. “I knew her and Mustang were fuckin’.”
Roy stopped dead in his tracks and leaned up against the tile wall out of sight.
“Sucks she went and blew her head off though,” another guy said. “Had no idea she was another crazy chick.”
Roy grit his teeth, almost bursting in there and blowing them all up but he stopped himself, wanting to hear what other dirt they were going to say.
“So, is she dead or what?”
“I dunno but I’m just pissed I never got a piece of that ass. Like fuck.”
The more comments the guys continued to spit out, the further Roy had to keep his breathing down to normal. He clenched both fists. It was known that a bunch of the military guys could be assholes but this was unacceptable. He didn’t recognize their voices so they must’ve been junior soldiers.
“Honestly, getting her drunk enough to fuck in a supply closet would be worth the risk of getting in shit.”
“She’d probably kick your ass.”
“I mean, that’s sexy as fuck too.”
They all laughed together except for one.
“You guys better shut the hell up,” a voice that sounded like Havoc spoke up with an annoyance in his tone.
Havoc was here too? Roy couldn’t help but feel thankful for him defending Hawkeye like that. Unfortunately, he was ignored as more questions came his way.
“You were under her command, eh Havoc?”
“What of it?” He sounded beyond irritated.
“She’s not here anymore so spill,” one guy prompted. “You two ever fuck? Or did Mustang basically claim all that for himself?”
“I still don’t get why the hell she chose him out of everybody. It’s bullshit,” another guy scoffed.
“She must’ve had a kink for fucking her superior officers,” someone sneered. “I wonder who else ended up getting some.”
“Seriously, shut the hell up!” Havoc demanded. “She’s in the hospital critically injured!”
“Avoiding the question, eh bud?” one guy snickered. “Is it true that she’s freaky as fuck in bed? I mean, someone with a stick so far up her ass must be just insane in bed, am I right!?” He laughed. “And you know those tits are 100% real. None of that half-full shit.”
“I said shut the hell up!” The sound of something heavy hitting a bench echoed throughout the changeroom and it even made Roy jump.
“Shit!”
“Havoc, chill!” One voice laughed, even though it sounded slightly nervous. “We’re just fucking around, man.”
“We won’t tell anyone about you and Hawkeye,” another guy chuckled. “Not even Mustang.”
That was his cue. With a confident step, ready to watch those bastards cower, Roy turned the corner.
“On one condition though,” the one guy smirked. “You get us hooked up with Hawk-”
The entire room fell into a dead silence and the look of pure terror on all of their faces was enough for Mustang to feel satisfaction. Fuck them all. Judging by the smirk on Havoc’s lips, he was clearly excited to watch them all be incinerated.
One of the guys that Havoc clearly punched climbed off the ground, holding his cheek with a small bit of blood dribbling out of his mouth.
“Any further inappropriate commentary of one of our fellow soldiers will result in harsh disciplinary action.” Roy glared. “Do I make myself clear?”
The entire changeroom echoed in a fearful “Yes, sir” without hesitation.
“I said, do I make myself clear? ” Roy repeated louder.
“Yes, sir!” They all repeated like a scared batch of school children.
The mood in that changeroom shifted immediately and suddenly everyone had finished changing within ten seconds, all running out of there. Roy stood off to the side, hands in his pockets, heart pounding, absolutely wishing to light each and every one of them on fire but knew that he had to remain professional, and that pissed him off beyond words.
“Hey Boss,” Havoc said awkwardly, sliding on his military jacket. “How much did you hear?”
“Enough.”
Havoc swallowed and did up his buttons.
“I want you to do a favour for me,” Roy said in a sterner voice than he meant.
Havoc looked up mid-button. “Yeah?”
“If you hear anything else like that, report them to me,” he instructed in a dark voice. “That was the only warning I will be handing out.”
The rest of the day flew by. Roy kept distracted enough with his work which consisted of researching the strongest materials for the new rail line for Ishval. Normally he would’ve handed something like this over to Fuery or Breda but he desperately needed the distraction that wasn’t mindless signing of papers.
He was still itching to go check on Hawkeye but the receptionist told him that she’d be in surgery for the next few days so he’d have to wait it out. He let out a harsh breath as he walked towards his destination. Would the surgery be a success? A sinking feeling fell down to the pit of his stomach and he chewed his lip until it bled.
With his hands deep in his pockets, he marched on until a familiar brown bar came into view. It wasn’t his aunt’s but it was one that him and Hughes used to visit often.
Hughes.
Roy longed to just have one conversation with him. He’d know exactly what to say to cheer him up.
He took a seat at the bar and ordered two whiskey shots; one for him, one for Hughes. He took one in the air and did a little cheers. “To you, Hughes,” he whispered before downing it completely. The burn electrified him and felt so damn good. Both had been consumed within two minutes so Roy ordered four more of the same.
It didn’t take much longer for those to also be fully consumed and soon Roy’s world spun so fast that his head slammed onto the bar counter. It all felt so good. If only he could feel like this all the time. The heavy but somehow soft warmth in his head, the tingly feeling in his limbs…
In bliss, he almost missed the little tap on his arm. Rolling his head to the side but still allowing it to rest on the counter, Roy blinked, trying to clear his vision enough to see who it was. His entire heart jumpstarted when he saw blonde.
“Hawkeye!?” he slurred in excitement. Hawkeye was here at the bar? She was okay!?
Using his hands, he pushed himself up from the counter as best he could but lost his balance and grabbed onto his Lieutenant. God she felt so warm, just like she always did. “Lieutenant,” he drawled out, blinking so slowly. “I’m so relieved you’re okay!” His grasp turned into fists and he pulled her so close to him into a hug.
He heard muffles and that only made him pull her even closer. “God, I was so worried. Please stay with me…” He hummed to himself, just relishing in her warmth. He rubbed his face against her jacket.
“Hawkeye…” he mumbled. “I gotta tell you something important!” He sucked in a breath, lifting his head the best that he could in order to look at her beautiful face. His vision wouldn’t clear enough but he could see the outline of her gorgeous hair. “I wanna propose to you. Like, tomorrow, okay? I can reprint the certificate… no problemo!” He heard more muffles from her and he flashed her his best grin that he knew she loved. “We’ll be together forever! No take backs!” He chuckled to himself and sighing with happiness. Finally, he told her.
He let go and slammed his head on the counter. It was so damn heavy! “I… love you,” he whispered, allowing his overweight eyelids to close.
“I can’t believe you’re covering for him! Throw him out on the road to get run over!”
A voice jolted Roy out of his sleep.
“No! Throw him out!”
Who was… yelling?
Roy’s head absolutely split like two people hammered multiple ice picks into either side. He groaned and rolled over onto his side.
“Rebecca, please calm down,” a quieter voice spoke.
“I will not calm down!”
Rebecca? Roy clutched his head in his hand. Like, Catalina? He blinked and slowly but surely, his vision began to clear. Light came through the small cracks in the curtain by the window but otherwise it was quite dark inside. It looked like he was in a bedroom but it definitely wasn’t his. He studied the room cautiously. Was he in Catalina’s room? But how and why? Roy tried his best to remember but he couldn’t remember a damn thing. What day was it?
The room had its curtain drawn but there were very clear posters pasted all over the walls that contained pictures of… women?
“If you won’t throw his ass out! I will!”
“Just listen to me!”
“Jean!”
That name caught Roy’s attention. Havoc. Was this Havoc’s room? With a snort, Roy already answered his own question. The wall decor was definitely Havoc’s.
“He’s a mess! I can’t just leave him like this!”
Roy squinted. That was Havoc’s voice for sure and he figured out the one yelling back was Catalina. He’d know that annoying voice from anywhere.
“I don’t give a fuck! He hurt Riza!”
Hearing that name woke Roy right up. That’s right, Hawkeye! Was she okay? Was she out of the hospital yet? What day was it? Why was he here?
Havoc groaned. “You didn’t see him last night! He had like six empty shot glasses all circled around him and he kept grabbing me thinking I was Hawkeye! Ask Breda! He was with me!”
Roy held his breath. Wait, he did that?
“So he’s a raging alcoholic! I don’t care and neither should you!” Rebecca shouted. “Are you just going to forget what he did to Riza!?”
“It’s all just a huge horrible accident!”
“Horrible acci- You’re not the one who had to see her limp body on the ground with her own blood and her gun next to it!” Rebecca screamed with a teary voice. “It was no accident and you know that! Stop defending him!”
“Hey,” Havoc’s voice softened to a degree that Roy had never heard before.
“No, get the fuck away from me!” Rebecca screamed. “So that’s it then! I’m the only one who gives a fuck about Riza! Everyone cares more about ‘poor old drunk Mustang’! Good to know!”
Her voice did not help his splitting headache one bit. Roy groaned and threw the blankets over his head.
“You know that I care about Hawkeye! Don’t say stuff like that!”
“You’re defending her murderer!”
“She’s not dead!”
“You don’t know that!”
Silence filled the other room and then all that Roy could hear was Catalina crying.
“I can’t lose her,” she cried. “I tried so hard to be there to help cheer her up! I didn’t know that she was that upset!” She gasped between tears. “If I knew, I wouldn’t have left her alone at all! I could’ve stopped it!”
“Hey hey,” Havoc said softly. “It’s not your fault. Hell, I even visited her and I didn’t notice anything that off about her.”
“But I’m her best friend! I should’ve seen the signs! FUCK! ”
“Come here…”
Catalina wept and Roy took that opportunity to think. What the hell happened last night? He apparently got drunk off his ass and thought Havoc was Hawkeye? And now he’s here at Havoc’s place? Now that he thought about it, why was Catalina here anyway? Were the rumours about them true? Given how kind Havoc was being to her, speaking in such an odd tone, they must be. Hm.
Catalina sniffed. “Ugh, my mascara must be all fucked now.” She sniffed again. “Could you come with me to the hospital after work today?” Her voice quieted down. “I just don’t think I can handle any bad news alone.”
“I don’t think it’ll be bad,” Havoc said. “Hawkeye’s a strong cookie right? She’ll push through.”
His normally positive jokes did not help Catalina in the slightest. “Just please? Plus Colonel Asshat will probably be there if he can stay sober for more than thirty minutes, and I really will beat the shit out of him if I see him.”
Havoc let out a nervous laugh. “Yeah, no problem. I’ll go with you.”
“Thanks, Jean.” She sighed. “I’m so fucking stressed.”
“Well, let’s get to work before we’re late and maybe it’ll take your mind off things for a while.”
She sighed again. “Fine.”
They were leaving for work! Shit! Roy did his best to push himself up to sitting. That meant that he had to leave too! His forehead smacked down into his palm as he hissed. That stinging and burning wouldn’t stop but he had to show up to work. He couldn’t just skip out.
Like clockwork, a queasy feeling shot up his throat and he leaned over just in time to coat the wooden flooring in a liquid lunch.
Guess work was off the table.
StationSquare on Chapter 5 Wed 18 Jun 2025 01:58AM UTC
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Notorious_Archaeology on Chapter 5 Wed 18 Jun 2025 03:12AM UTC
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