Beatch you didn't see that comin'!

by Betta_Splendin

Summary:

Somehow, inexplicably, the surface of the whole world gained several meters of water overnight. Despite all attempts by the many iterators to determine a cause, none could be found. So what is there to do but have a pool party? 😁

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Dumb thing inspired by the phrase "robot beach episode". My imagining of what that would look like for iterators.

Notes:

In the word document of this the broadcast sections are colored but trying to figure out how to do that formatting on AO3 sounded like a lot of work for my terrible little beach day. I might come back and fix it later though.

Also, fun fact, in the spearmaster broadcasts (which is what the dialogue is based on) there is no local group chat, only unrelated forums and private messages. Also, UI never speaks and CW has purple text so where did people get the whole CW is grey and UI is purple thing from?

No Significant Harassment awoke suddenly. For any other species, this would be no cause for concern. But as an iterator, a vast mountain sized consciousness with too many moving parts to ever truly be considered “asleep” without dying or being otherwise incapacitated in some way, he was understandably very, very concerned.

However, the fact he fell asleep wasn’t even his biggest worry. No, that honor belonged to the nearly 200 meters of water that was currently soaking his entire lower half! While an iterators mind was hardly ever focused on just one thing, he found himself fully staring in amazement and shock at the massive amount of water that had seemingly appeared like magic.

The water was, on the whole, relatively still. No indication of any kind of flooding, like it had slowly risen from the ground up at an even rate. From what little he could see and feel of the bottom, the structures that made up his facility were all relatively intact. Only the loose and air filled things rose, as you would expect of something magically teleported underwater, not suddenly drowned in it. Even odder, all the land creatures were on top of the “ocean” (quick tests confirmed it was fresh water), confused and swimming. Had the water suddenly appeared he would have expected all the creatures to drown under the massive weight. Water that reached his chest was nothing to scoff at.

There had to be some explanation. Perhaps he was hallucinating? He had heard of a few rare cases of iterators going mad like that. A mind so powerful could come up with some extremely vivid hallucinations and while NSH did not think he was crazy, crazy people never do.

Still in shock, he opened up his communications network, not sure what to expect. To his relief, he was not the only one in this predicament. Just one look at the speed at which the public forums were moving was enough. He opened his local groups chat, instead.

[LIVE BROADCAST] - CLOSED GROUP [NORTHSURVIVORS] Big Sister Moon, No Significant Harassment, Chasing Wind, Unparalleled Innocence

CW: Surely surely there must be some reasonable explanation for this. The laws of reality wouldn’t just up and change on us, would they?

UI: WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY I DON'T LIKE THIS! I HAVE ENOUGH PROBLEMS AS IS WHY CAN'T THE UNIVERSE JUST LEAVE ME ALONE?! NOTHING MAKES SENSE ANYMORE, NOTHING!

CW: I understand the feeling UI, I really, really do, but we need to keep calm, nothing good ever comes out of panicking!

UI: DON’T ACT LIKE YOU’RE ABOVE THIS! THIS IS MADNESS! NOTHING, AND I MEAN NOTHING, COULD PREPARE US FOR ANYTHING EVEN CLOSE TO THIS!

NSH: Well, at least the waters warm?

CW: NSH! Thank the void you’re here. Do you have any insight into whats happening?

NSH: I wish! One moment I was working on my little messenger the next I woke up elbow deep in pond water!

CW: Of course. That's all anyone can say on the matter..

UI: UGH I can feel the fauna crawling all over me. Why do I have to be the largest piece of dry land around?!

NSH hadn’t even noticed. His city was usually populated by a variety of critters, so the extra mass didn’t bother him nearly as much.

Oddly, looking around his city he didn’t see any fighting between the animals. He had been so distracted by the flood waters he hadn’t even noticed that none of the creatures were behaving as usual. The pinks and greens which were normally rivals just peacefully cohabitated along the shores of his walls. Squidcadas flew playfully with vultures, performing their dancing loops together.

NSH: Uhh, hey guys? Anyone else notice how peaceful the creatures are being? Not a single overseer has noticed any kind of fighting all cycle.

UI: And thank the void for that! I don't want my back to become a colosseum!

CW: I did notice that. Just another ridiculous development with no probable cause!

Suddenly, NSH felt a tugging at the back of his puppets dress. His little hunter was meowing at him excitedly.

Before the blackout, he had been working on training the organism. The road to Moon was dangerous, and the little creature would need all the help it could get. As a lot of the training happened in and around his city, no doubt the critter had seen the water. He assumed it was coming to report the obvious.

“Yes, I know my little hunter. I don’t know what caused it either.” He said.

“Wa! Wawa! Waaaa!!!” the little creature yelled up at him.

“I guess it makes sense to blame the rain maker for the flooding, huh~” he giggled.

“Awawa!” Then the critter did something unexpected and started trying to drag his puppet towards the exit pipe.

“Ah? It doesn’t work like that. I could watch you out there with an overseer if you’d like?”

“Wawa, wa..” the tiny thing said pitifully, leaving through the pipe alone.

As promised, NSH sent an overseer along with his hunter, watching as it bolted to the edge of his can, tumbling down some of his wall before cannonballing straight into the water. Hazers and jetfish danced around the little creature, before a leviathan started swimming up to his hunter menacingly.

NSH did his best to warn the critter, flashing warning sign after warning sign but, confusingly, the animal just sat there swimming peacefully, looking down in what almost looked like joyful anticipation, not a hint of fear in its eyes.

Then, to his amazement, the massive beast picked up the hunter on its back, and let the creature ride it. The leviathan had every opportunity to eat the slugpup whole but instead it dove in and out of the water carrying the overjoyed sluppy.

When eventually the ride came to an end the pup then turned around, found a large centipede, and used it like a pool noodle?! No Significant Harassment stared in wonder and not insignificant horror as a band of scavengers got up and did the exact same thing, splashing water at his creature who, up until now, had been something of an enemy toward the animals. Something was very, very wrong.

He flagged down his creature with an overseer. He put as much effort into demonstrating his confusion as was possible on such a tiny screen. All the slugpup did in response was splash at the screen, making excited noises akin to giggling all the while. Then, it started running.

The little beast could be surprisingly agile when it wanted to be. Obviously it couldn’t outrun his overseers ordinarily, but with every creature under the sun and a massive body of water that his overseers couldn’t traverse well on its side, it was doing a pretty good job of evading him.

He presumed it perceived this as a game of tag, watching it chirp playfully, black squidcada in hand. He nearly caught it when the squidcada got too exhausted to keep the sluppy up, but just as the pair was about to land on a fairly large floating island of debris a small hoard of eggbugs came sprinting up, dashing the pup away just before his overseers could catch it.

The eggbugs tossed the slugpup into the water, and a giant jellyfish larger than any he had ever seen swam up to the surface with a loud moo. The giant picked up the pup with its long gelatinous tentacles and flung it far down underwater. There, some swimming bugs brought it bubble root, and an aquapede wrapped one of its heads tendrils around its arm and they were off.

The aquapede was slow but maneuvered through the now flooded outskirts of his facility well. He could hardly see the duo as they weaved through the ruins. Eventually though, he knew the bubble root would wear out, and that would be his chance to speak with it.

Just as expected, his little hunter was eventually let go by the aquapede and instead grabbed onto a jetfish. He positioned his overseer just right to catch his pup the moment they jumped out of the water- and when it came barreling out he moved the tendrils and..! A grapple worm connected to a vulture swooped down and stuck onto his little Hunter. He could not get a single word in as his creation flew up higher and higher.

Suddenly, he had a great and oh so silly idea.

There was less than no reason it should have worked. But somehow, against all laws of physics, No Significant Harassment stood up on his two back legs. Quickly, just as the water was rushing to fill the massive void his body left he slammed his six arms down into the ground, creating a tsunami of epic proportions. The tidal wave roared through the ocean, for a moment the ground underneath his can was dry. Buildings ripped out of the ground, creatures bodies slammed against walls of water, a bang that deafened all for miles around.

And as No Significant Harassment drifted off to sleep he couldn’t help but laugh with every neuron in his body. He finally splashed his little hunter back!

Notes:

I tried really hard to make this be crack treated seriously but I'm a terrible writer so I think this is actually just crack. I honestly wouldn't have made or uploaded this but I know that if I didn't make it, no one would so I had to get this out there!

The name [NORTHSURVIVORS] for the local group is what NSH changed the name to after Moon died and Pebbles left. Now its just the survivors who are (in my mind) north of them. ^^

Also, why are there no "it was all a dream" or "beach episode" tags? Those seem like pretty common tropes you'd want tagged. I assume it's for the same reason I can't tag "no beta we die like __(men)"