Chapter Text
Ezra screamed as the interrogation droid continued sending shocks into him, searching through his brain, no care given for the effect it had on the young boy. "Where are your rebel friends hiding, boy?" the Imperial officer sneered as Ezra cried out. Ezra kept his mouth shut, shaking his head. "You may as well give it up. No one is coming to save you. Now, talk." the officer hissed again. Ezra still refused, believing his team would come for him soon. He didn't know how long he'd been strapped on this metal slab, but it didn't matter. He'd die before he said a word. "Very well. If you won't talk, then we can always do worse." the officer said with a grin. Ezra couldn't hold back the scream as the pain grew worse.
"Please! No more! Stop it!" he begged, desperate for relief. Where was Kanan? Why hadn't he come yet? The boy wondered.
"If you want it to end, then talk!" The officer hissed again. Ezra cried out, sobbing now.
"No! No....I won't...talk! You'll have to...kill me!" Ezra grunted out.
"That can be arranged." The officer hissed, grinning maliciously as he waved a hand at the droid. Ezra screamed again, howling as the pain grew so terrible he truly felt as if he would die. He was sobbing uncontrollably now, consumed by the pain as he prayed that Kanan would find him, or the pain would just end.
"Ezra.....Ezra!" a voice called out, sounding distant. It almost sounded like Kanan.
"Kanan! Help me!" Ezra cried out.
"Foolish boy. There is no help for you. Not. Unless. You. TALK." The officer hissed. Ezra screamed, and again that voice called out his name.
"EZRA! WAKE UP!"
Ezra awoke suddenly, his breaths coming in gasps, the first thing he felt was a pain in his chest, and his head as well. Something was holding him, and he panicked as he recalled being trapped by the Imperials. "No! No! Let me go! Kanan! Help me!" he cried, weakly fighting against the arms holding him down.
"Ezra! Ezra! Easy! It's me! It's me!" Kanan cried, keeping a firm grip on the boy to prevent him from hurting himself as he struggled to sit up. "Shh, it's okay buddy. You're safe. I'm here, I'm right here." At last Ezra registered Kanan's voice, realizing it was him who was holding him, and that he was on something far too comfortable to be the dreadful table he'd been strapped to while the Imperials interrogated him for information about the Rebel fleet.
"Kanan?" Ezra whispered, still unsure, his body trembling.
"That's right bud. It's me. I'm right here. You're safe." Kanan whispered again, letting go of one of Ezra's arms to gently cup his cheek, turning his head so he was looking him in the eyes. "See? I'm right here."
Ezra breathed a sigh of relief, leaning into the touch now that he knew who it was. "'m sorry." he whispered, his body still shaking a little.
"It's okay kid. You had a rough day." Kanan replied, shaking his head. Ezra took another deep breath, and winced as his head and his chest both twinged with pain.
"My head hurts." he whispered.
"I thought it might. They hit you with some pretty strong stuff. Probably didn't account for your size, or your age." Kanan said, reaching over and grabbing the cup of water he'd left the room to get. He'd been sitting with Ezra for several hours as he slept, not daring to leave while the boy was out of it in case something happened, but when he'd noticed Ezra's presence in the Force growing a bit stronger, he'd decided to grab him a cup of water to help with the hangover he knew the kid was bound to have. Unfortunately, Ezra's nightmare had started just after he'd left, and he came back to the boy crying out and thrashing around the bed. He offered the boy the water, which Ezra took slowly. "Medic said I can't give you any meds until we're sure the drugs are out of your system, but staying hydrated is the other best way to cure a hangover. Trust me, I know." he explained, smiling as Ezra gave a small smile.
"Thank you." Ezra whispered, taking a few sips. As he drank the water, his stomach gave a soft growl, and his face flushed with embarrassment. Kanan just chuckled.
"You hungry?" he asked, offering a meiloorun to the boy. He'd grabbed it along with the water, figuring the kid should have a little something to eat and knowing meiloorun were typically pretty easy on the stomach. Not to mention they'd become one of Ezra's favorite fruit, being something he'd never gotten to eat on Lothal because of the way the Empire hoarded them.
Ezra nodded, setting the water down in favor of taking the fruit from Kanan, biting into it ravenously. He let out a soft hum of content as he ate, feeling so glad to be back home. Back....home....back home. Ezra's eating slowed down, his heart started pounding again. Back home....back home.....BACK. HOME. His mind raced as he recalled the face of the officer that had tortured him, his body shaking once more as the memory of pain and fear hit again. For though he'd put on a brave face, helped partially from the drugs and his own determination, Ezra had been afraid. Very afraid. Suddenly the meiloorun was too much, his mouth watering in a bad way. "Kanan....Kanan!" he groaned, quickly covering his mouth with one hand as he dropped the fruit, shoving it away. "Kanan...I'm gonna..." he tried again, grunting as he fought against his suddenly revolting stomach.
Kanan was quick to react, bringing a waste bucket over which Ezra grabbed and immediately hurled into, the little bit of the meiloorun he'd been able to eat coming right back up. Ezra coughed and groaned, spitting as the foul taste of vomit filled his mouth. "Oh kid." Kanan whispered, gently rubbing Ezra's back as he gripped tightly to the bucket, noticing the kid had started trembling again. Tears had filled Ezra's eyes, though he fought to keep them from falling, already feeling embarrassed from having thrown up in front of his master. After he was sure he wasn't going to throw up again, he placed the bucket down, which Kanan promptly moved off to the side so he could deal with it later. "Hey, you okay?" Kanan whispered as the tears began to fall.
Ezra nodded, hastily rubbing his eyes with his arm and taking a deep breath. "Yeah. I just....feel like crud. That's all." he whispered. Kanan knew that wasn't entirely true, but the other stuff could wait. Right now, all that mattered was helping Ezra physically recover.
"I'm sorry. You'll probably be feeling like that for a while." he said softly, reaching up now to gently pinch the back of Ezra's neck, rubbing it soothingly. Ezra leaned into the touch once again, relaxing ever so slightly. They sat in silence for a bit, Kanan just trying to help Ezra relax and Ezra not trusting himself to keep it together. Eventually Ezra leaned against Kanan, his body no longer shaking as he took comfort in the presence of his master. Seeing Ezra finally relax, Kanan figured the rest of the crew was due for an update. "You feelin' alright?" he asked. Ezra gave a small nod and a soft yawn. "Good. I need to let the crew know how you're doing," Ezra tensed up again, and Kanan gently squeezed his shoulder, reassuring him he wasn't about to leave him on his own "you think you could handle seeing everybody right now?" he finished, smiling as Ezra relaxed again.
"Yeah. I think I can manage that." Ezra whispered. Kanan nodded and slowly stood up, keeping one hand on Ezra so he would know he wasn't leaving him alone. Ezra took a deep breath before slowly standing up himself, gratefully accepting Kanan's help when his legs wobbled a little bit. "I'm okay." he said after a moment, taking another deep breath before letting go of Kanan. He wanted to see everyone, not just because it would make him feel better, but because he wanted them to know he was okay, and if he went out there wobbling or supported by Kanan, then they'd worry. Kanan kept a close eye on him as he steadied himself, ready in case the kid decided he couldn't walk after all.
"You ready?" he asked. Ezra nodded, slowly taking a few steps toward the door, his confidence growing with each step. Kanan smiled and followed him out, placing a hand on his shoulder as the kid hesitated slightly at the sound of voices chatting softly. "You don't have to do this yet, you know. There's no rush. I can go tell them how you are and let them know you need a bit more rest."
"No, I want to see them. It's just..." Ezra sighed softly. "I don't....I don't remember what I said. I don't remember anything after...." his hands balled into fists, and Kanan squeezed his shoulder again, reminding him where he was. "I just have a feeling I said something really stupid." he admitted, blushing lightly.
"Don't worry about that. I promise you, nobody's gonna say anything. They just wanna know you're okay." Kanan said. Ezra gave him a look that said he didn't believe him. "I already told Zeb to keep his mouth shut, and Sabine threatened Chopper with a paint job should he misbehave. Even Hera agreed, and we all know how she feels about her murder-bot." At that, Ezra couldn't help but grin, picturing the droid's reaction to Hera not taking his side.
"Okay." he said softly, nodding to himself once more before finally heading down the hall towards the voices. Hera, Chopper, Sabine, and Zeb were all hanging out around the holotable. Hera was watching as Zeb and Chopper played a round of dejarik, while Sabine silently sketched.
"Chopper, if you don't stop trying to hack the table so you can cheat, I'm going to ban you from playing for a month." Hera scolded the droid as Ezra and Kanan walked into the room. The four Spectres hadn't noticed them yet, wrapped up in their own world. Kanan softly cleared his throat, catching their attention.
"Mind if we join you?" he asked, grinning as the others all sat up straight, their eyes quickly finding the boy at his side. Ezra blushed and quickly averted his gaze, suddenly feeling nervous again.
"Ezra! How are you feeling?" Hera asked, quickly jumping up out of her seat to walk over to him. She wrapped the boy in a hug, surprising him, unaware that he couldn't remember a word he'd said to her after he'd been found.
"I-uh, I'm-I'm okay." Ezra stammered, giving an awkward hug back. I must've really had her worried. he thought. Hera let go, a slightly sad and confused look on her face. Ezra wondered why she looked like that. "I'm really okay Hera." he promised, assuming she was just still worried about him. He watched her glance at Kanan before she looked back at him with a smile.
"I'm glad to hear it." she said softly. Sabine and Zeb had both stood at this point and headed over to see Ezra for themselves.
"You really had us worried kid." Zeb commented. "Even Chop here was screaming at everyone."
"Sorry. Next time I'll tell you guys before I get myself grabbed by a stupid Imp." Ezra joked.
"There better not be a next time." Sabine said sternly, poking his shoulder a little harder than she meant to. Ezra could sense the worry she still felt, and that he'd accidentally amped it up with his joke, so he didn't mind. "Seriously Ezra, you are never allowed to take a mission without us again." she continued, her hands balling into tight fists at her side as Ezra watched her fight not to shake.
"Sabine." Hera whispered, placing a hand on her shoulder.
"Hey, it's okay. I don't plan on doing that again anytime soon." Ezra promised. "Getting caught by Imperials twice is two times too many for me." he added, hoping to ease the tension in the room.
"Technically three times." Zeb remarked. Everyone looked at the lasat, confused and Zeb rubbed the back of his head. "Ya know, if we count the first time.....when we met him....." he mumbled.
"Oh you mean that time you decided leaving me behind was a great idea after you shoved me?" Ezra teased. He frowned when he felt guilt pouring off the lasat, not realizing how much Zeb regretted that moment still. Sure they'd found the wookiees, but if Kallus had been a worse man than he already was, then Ezra wouldn't have made it out of there without some seriously painful consequences. "I feel like that doesn't count. I mean, I wasn't really part of the team yet. Plus I was in the middle of getting myself out of that mess when you guys showed up." he added.
"What were you gonna do anyways? Hide in the vents of the ship until they landed on another planet?" Kanan asked, curiously.
"Well I was working on that part when you guys interrupted me." Ezra replied. "Trust me, five more minutes and you would've been back there for nothing!" Chopper chimed in then, warbling out about how he would have been more likely to accidentally space himself pressing random buttons than actually escape from the ship. "Hey! I'm smart enough to know not to just go around pushing random buttons on a spaceship, especially a star destroyer!" Ezra replied indignantly.
"That's debatable." Zeb joked, snickering.
"Says the big smelly lasat! You wouldn't have lasted two seconds without getting caught, and that's if you'd somehow been smart enough to escape." Ezra shot back with a grin.
It was at this time that Zeb made the first mistake any of them would make while dealing with the aftermath of Ezra's interrogation. Ezra's jokes had fully lightened the mood in the room now, and Zeb's playful nature with the kid took over. He wrapped an arm around Ezra so he couldn't escape, ruffling his hair and giving him a noogie. Normally, Ezra would have laughed and struggled until Zeb released him, but this time, the boy froze, his body completely paralyzed as his eyes went wide. His heart pounded as he recalled the feeling of the Imperial officer grabbing him from behind, of struggling against him as he grabbed for his comm to warn the rest of the unit he'd split off from to add a distraction. His breathing picked up, and his body started to tremble. "S-stop. Stop." he breathed, his voice barely a whisper. Zeb hadn't noticed yet, and the others had been too busy laughing, caught up in the normalcy of the actions they didn't notice Ezra's unnormal reaction. "Stop!" Ezra squeaked again, weakly fighting against Zeb now. He grew more panicked the longer Zeb held on, his mind racing with image after image of the Imperials dragging him to be tortured. "Off! Get off! Let go! LET GO!" he cried again.
There's no help for you boy. A voice whispered in Ezra's head.
Everything else disappeared, no longer was he on the Ghost, surrounded by the crew he loved. Now all he could see was that room where he'd been interrogated, the face of the Imperial officer as he sneered and demanded information, as he ordered the droid to inflict more pain. "No no no no no no no no no!" he cried, not realizing he'd crumpled to the ground, his whole body shaking now. "Please. Help. Help me." he whimpered.
"Ezra! Ez, it's okay!" a voice called through the haze. A familiar presence surrounded him in the Force. Breathe. Just breathe buddy. it whispered.
Ezra took a breath. "Kanan." he whispered, feeling a calming hand on his back, he looked up and met the eyes of his master.
When Ezra had gone back to his usual banter, Kanan had hoped it meant he was less mentally affected by the torture he'd been through than he'd thought, that maybe the nightmares were all he'd have to suffer. Which was still not fun, but they were much easier to deal with. Then Zeb had grabbed Ezra, playing as they usually did when they were teasing each other. Everyone had laughed, except the person being trapped. It took him a moment too long to notice Ezra wasn't laughing, to sense the panic that was flowing out of his padawan. Not until Ezra screamed to be let go. The laughter suddenly stopped, and Kanan was nearly overwhelmed with the fear that was flying off his padawan in waves.
"Zeb! Stop!" Sabine called, the first to act once they'd noticed Ezra's state. The lasat frowned, stopping his roughhousing as he finally noticed Ezra struggling against him, and not in a playful way.
"Kid? What's wrong?" he questioned, confused. Ezra didn't respond, shoving at his arm again and begging him to let go. Zeb quickly let go, stepping back as Ezra dropped to the floor, the boy scrambling to get away, his breathing panicked as he curled in on himself. "I...I didn't mean to..." Zeb whispered, his ears drooping with guilt as the boy began whispering 'no' over and over again.
"It's okay, Zeb. Give him some space." Kanan replied, keeping his voice calm. He turned his attention to his padawan who was trembling on the ground, begging for help now. "Ezra! Ez, it's okay!" he called, placing a calming hand on the kid's back and reaching out in the Force at the same time. Breathe. Just breathe buddy. he whispered through their connection. Ezra did as he was told, and though his body still trembled, Kanan sensed some of the fear had finally been swept away.
"Kanan." Ezra whispered, lifting his head and meeting Kanan's eyes. Kanan could see the fear behind them, the desperation for comfort. "Kanan. Make it stop. Please." the boy begged, his breaths still coming in pants.
Kanan continued reaching out through the Force, hoping it would help bring Ezra back to the present. I'm here, I'm right here buddy. You're safe, I promise. he whispered through the bond. Ezra shook his head, his eyes snapping shut. "Ez, you're safe. You're here, on the Ghost. Focus on me." Kanan commanded out loud, his connection with Ezra growing slippery as the fear clouded his mind. Ezra let out a soft cry, clearly struggling to hold on. Kanan pulled him into an embrace, holding tightly. "Hey. It's okay. You are okay. You're safe." he whispered. He pulled Ezra's head to his chest, taking in slow, deep breaths. "You hear that? Breathe with me. Focus on your breathing."
It took a bit, but after a moment Ezra did as he was told. As he did this, Kanan felt the fear finally dissipate. Ezra's breathing slowed to a more normal rate, and his trembling became more of an occasional shiver. The other spectres watched closely, though they kept back, giving Ezra the room he needed. At last the young teen relaxed a little, though Kanan kept a tight embrace, waiting for Ezra to make the first move. "Ez, you back with us?" he asked softly as the boy shifted slightly.
"Yes." Ezra whispered back, though he made no move to pull out of the embrace. Kanan could feel tears beginning to soak through his sweater, and his heart broke for the kid. "I'm sorry. 'm sorry. I don't....I don't know what happened." Ezra whimpered.
"It's okay kid. It's not your fault." Kanan assured him, reaching up to gently brush a hand through the kid's hair. Ezra finally moved, just enough to wrap his arms around Kanan, needing that embrace to keep himself tethered. "I gotcha buddy. I gotcha." Kanan said, softly so only Ezra could hear it. Ezra continued to cry softly for a bit, holding onto Kanan like a lifeline. Eventually, his grip loosened slightly, his body relaxing at long last. Kanan waited until Ezra slowly began to pull back himself, wanting to make sure he had all the support he'd need.
Everyone in the room was silent for a moment, no one quite sure what to say, Ezra too exhausted and embarrassed to speak. Finally, Hera made a move, walking over slowly, though she kept a slight space as she crouched near Ezra, not wanting to overwhelm him by getting in his space. "Ezra, would you like to move to the couch?" She whispered. Ezra turned to look at her, giving a small nod. She held out a hand to him, offering to help him stand, which he took with the same slow, careful movements he's been using since Kanan had pulled him out of the panic.
She let Ezra over to the couch, Zeb and Sabine both standing back to give the kid space rather than join him as they normally would've. "There, that's better, huh?" Hera said softly as Ezra sat down. Ezra nodded again, though he kept his gaze on the floor. Kanan hated it, and he could tell everyone else did too. This wasn't the Ezra they all knew and loved, who had been joking with them only moments ago. It was as though someone had taken everything that made Ezra Ezra and scooped it all out, leaving nothing but a silent shell in the form of the boy they knew.
Hera let out a soft sigh, glancing up as Kanan walked over. "Ez, you know you've got nothing to be embarrassed about, right?" he told the boy, hoping he'd help draw him out of this ashamed silence he'd fallen into. Ezra didn't respond.
"He's right kid. It was my fault. I shouldn't have grabbed you like that." Zeb chimed in, guilt clear in his voice. Ezra finally lifted his head at that, quickly shaking it.
"N-not..." he whispered, then took a deep breath, clearing his throat before trying again. "Zeb, it's not your fault." he said, the first full sentence since he'd apologized to Kanan. "I don't know what happened. Honestly. One moment I was fine, and then I just....it's not your fault." he explained.
Zeb clearly didn't feel the same way, but he nodded anyways, giving the kid a small smile. "I'll be more careful next time. Yeah?" he said.
"Probably a good idea." Kanan agreed, and Ezra nodded.
"No roughhousing for a while?" Ezra suggested, and Zeb nodded in agreement. "You can still tease me though." He added, giving Zeb a small smile before letting out a yawn.
"Tired?" Kanan asked. Ezra hesitated before giving a small nod.
"Yeah, but..." he whispered. Kanan could sense he was nervous about sleeping again, not wanting the nightmares to return.
"How about some tea first?" Hera suggested. "You look like you could use it."
Ezra smiled at her and nodded. Hera smiled back and gently patted his shoulder before heading to brew the tea for him. Sabine walked over and took her place, biting her lip as she looked Ezra over, searching for any sign of the panic she'd seen before. "You okay?" she asked him softly. Kanan could sense the girl had been shaken by Ezra's outburst, they all had been, but she needed to confirm for herself that Ezra really was okay now. At least, as okay as he could be.
Ezra looked up at her, giving a nod. "I'm okay. Just tired." he told her. Sabine still looked unsure, not convinced by Ezra's words, even as he shot a small smile her way. Ezra must've sensed it too, because he scooched over on the couch a little, patting the seat next to him in an invitation for he to sit down. "Sit with me?" He asked. Sabine was quick to join him, leaving a slight space, hesitating to squish against him the way Kanan could sense she wanted to. Much like Ezra, she found comfort through physical touch, though it wasn't her usual choice. Ezra closed the space between them himself, and Sabine took the opportunity to press back against him.
As this exchange had happened, Kanan had moved to stand next to Hera, leaning against the counter so he could keep an eye on Ezra. "It's worse than we thought it would be." Hera commented softly. Kanan sighed, giving a nod.
"Jedi training only helps so much. Even the best generals could suffer like this from what they saw in the Clone Wars." Kanan replied.
"So, what do we do?" Hera asked.
"I don't know. He needs help. I just....don't know how. It's different when it's...." Kanan started, hesitating.
"One of your kids." Hera finished for him. "You're worried it'll get worse."
Kanan nodded. "I failed him once already just by letting him go on that mission. I can't fail him again Hera." he whispered.
"We'll just take it one day at a time. As long as we're here for him, I'm sure he'll be okay." Hera said, reaching over and placing a hand on his arm.
"He has to be. They can't keep him." Kanan whispered, silently cursing the Empire for what they'd done to his kid. Ezra might have come home, but still the Empire had him in their grip, and Kanan would never stop fighting until they got him back.
Notes:
Surprise! What started as an intended one-shot is now a multi-chapter journey! Creative brain went rogue again. Oh well!! Here's the first chapter! I hope y'all enjoy! Let me know what you think in the comments!
Chapter 2: Lieutenant Commander Kriffhead
Notes:
Here it is folks, chapter 2! I am doing my best with these but it's gonna take some time! Creative brain fights me every step of the process, and if I force myself to write too much then it becomes a chore which makes creative brain shutdown completely, hence why my writing is sporadic! Anyways, enjoy the chapter and let me know how you're feeling after you're done!
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
The week that followed Ezra's episode was one of the worst weeks the entire crew would ever face. Nightmares plagued Ezra's sleep, leaving him exhausted and jumpy. He'd spent the first evening in Kanan's room, both needing the support and also knowing Kanan needed to be sure he was okay. That night the dreams hadn't been quite so intense. After this, he'd tried to stay in his own room, desperate for some sense of normalcy, but that first night in his own bed had shown him "normalcy" was no longer an option.
Zeb had welcomed him back into their room with a grin, joking about how he'd try not to snore so loud if it helped the kid sleep better. Ezra had joked back that the snores never bothered him, but the smell was a whole new problem. Zeb had just laughed and ruffled the kid's hair a bit before flopping onto his bunk underneath. At first, Ezra had been fine, he'd fallen asleep quickly, feeling safe and relaxed in the familiar space, knowing that Zeb would hear him if he had any nightmares and either wake him up or go get Kanan. But then the dreams had started.
You will never be free. Not until you talk! the officer hissed in his dream. Ezra cried out, the dream trapping him in that moment where the droid had begun digging through his brain, sending painful shocks into him while the officer demanded answers and stood back with that grin.
"No...no....stop...." Ezra moaned out loud, his body tossing and turning. "Stop....please....let me go....i won't....talk....just.....let me go...." The dream only grew worse, the memory of pain and fear all Ezra could focus on, a desperation to get away. Zeb awoke when Ezra let out another loud yell, nearly hitting his head on Ezra's bunk with how quickly he sat up. Throwing himself off the bed, he'd reached up to wake Ezra, grabbing the boy and shaking him. Unfortunately, at that moment in the dream, the officer had wrapped his hands around Ezra, demanding answers.
"NO!" Ezra screamed, bolting up and throwing Zeb off him. Zeb had stumbled backwards, but Ezra's mind was still trapped in the dream, and all he could see was that same officer. "I won't let you hurt me anymore! I won't let you hurt anyone!" Ezra screamed, reaching out in the dream to choke the officer. What the boy hadn't realized in his dream state, was that he'd reached out in the Force as well, the Dark Side taking advantage of his trapped mind.
"Kid what are you -" Zeb started, then froze, gasping as he realized he couldn't breathe. "K-kid. Kid." he gasped, reaching out a hand to the boy who was glaring at him with murderous intent. Kanan burst into the room then, his eyes going wide as he saw what was happening.
"Ezra! Ezra, stop!" he cried, reaching out and grabbing the boy. He reached out in the Force as well, desperate to bring the kid back. "Ezra, you're killing him! Wake up!" he begged. Sabine and Hera came rushing now too, drawn by the commotion. "Stay back! Ezra's not in control right now!" he warned as they both attempted to rush in the room. He turned his attention back to Ezra as Zeb's struggles started growing weak, knowing he didn't have much time. Ezra. Come back. It's not real. You're killing Zeb. You're hurting your friend. Please. Kanan begged through the Force.
All at once, Ezra had stopped, his eyes blinking rapidly as he came back to himself. He let out a shocked cry as he released Zeb, stumbling back away from his friend as the lasat dropped to the ground, coughing and gasping for air. "Zeb?" he whispered, his body shaking. "Oh God....oh God, Zeb. I'm sorry! I'm sorry!" he cried, burying his face in his hands as Kanan reached out to steady him.
"It's okay, kid. It's not your fault." Zeb whispered out, still coughing. Ezra had just shook his head, tears streaming down his face, his mind racing with one thought.
I almost killed Zeb. I almost killed one of my best friends.
Ezra wouldn't look at the lasat after that. He'd moved into Kanan's room immediately after that night, afraid he'd hurt his friend again. Zeb had been hurt, he'd sensed it, but he couldn't risk his friend's life.
The nightmares only got worse after this. His guilt over nearly killing Zeb found its way into the dreams, forcing him to relive not only the torture of the Imperials, but reminding him of how he'd almost killed his friend. Sometimes it was just the Imperials he'd dream about, other times he'd wake from what he thought was one nightmare straight into another one where Kanan hadn't made in time, and Zeb was lying dead on the ground. At some point, Kanan just gave up on Ezra sleeping on the bunk above his, spending his nights holding the boy just to give him a few moments of peace before a nightmare inevitably woke him. "I can't do this!" Ezra sobbed in frustration one night after he'd jolted awake. "It's never gonna end. You should just lock me up somewhere and forget about me, I'm gonna hurt somebody. I can't even help fight anymore."
"Don't talk like that!" Kanan scolded, pulling the boy close to him and holding tightly. "We would never do that to you Ezra. I'm not givin' up on you kid, none of us are. So don't give up on yourself." Ezra just sobbed silently in Kanan's arms, hating how weak he felt, how broken he was, the shame of being unable to do anything but take up space. In his shame, he cut himself off from everyone, hiding away and only coming out long enough to grab food he could barely eat because of how much his mind fought him. He felt like he was losing more and more of himself every day, and all it would take is a gust of wind to blow what was left of him away.
It was Sabine who finally brought him back, the girl determined to stop Ezra's cycle of self-destruction before it was too late. He'd gone and shut himself away in his favorite spot again, staring out into the stars and wishing he could just disappear into the void with them. "Go away Sabine." he whispered as he sensed the girl walk in.
"No." she replied, continuing forward until she was next to him.
"I told you to leave." Ezra said again, refusing to turn and look at her. Just leave me be. Let me disappear. he thought.
"And I told you no." She responded instead. Ezra sighed, shaking his head. "You can sigh all you want, edgelord, I'm staying right here." Sabine said, and Ezra could practically see the eyeroll she was giving him. Ezra just kept his mouth shut, staring out at the endless void in front of him. Eventually, he couldn't stand her presence, the reminder of his shame and what he could lose too much for him.
"If you're hoping to accomplish something by standing around here, I can tell you you're wasting your time." He griped at her. "Unless you were planning on getting yourself killed." he added.
"Seriously Ezra? This is ridiculous." Sabine snapped, shaking her head. "You're about as dangerous as a grumpy little loth-cat."
"Oh yeah? Tell that to Zeb, who I almost choked to death." Ezra snapped back.
"Key word being 'almost'." Sabine retorted. Ezra groaned. "Seriously Ezra, what happened, it was an accident." Ezra opened his mouth to reply but Sabine held up her hand. "I'm not finished." she said sternly. "Listen, Ez, we miss you." She whispered, sighing softly. "I know you're scared, but so are we." Again Ezra opened his mouth, but she continued. "We're scared of losing you. Even Chopper has been extra zappy. He keeps demanding that Kanan fix whatever circuit you blew so you'll come back to us." Ezra frowned at this, surprised. "Zeb's been depressed too. I asked him to help me figure out the best way to blow some stuff up the other day and he just huffed and mumbled something about being too tired and walked away. I haven't seen him smile once since you stopped talking to him. To any of us, except for Kanan." Ezra could hear pain in her voice here, and he knew it was hurting her too. He couldn't help a glance at her face, and he wished he hadn't, because he could see the pain there. "We're a family, Ezra. We're supposed to do this together. So please, come back to us." she whispered.
Ezra was silent, his hands clenched into fists. He wanted so badly to rejoin them, but he was just afraid. Afraid of himself, of what he could do. Of losing himself so completely that he kills one of them and feels nothing. But still, he couldn't deny the pleas of his best friend. He was closer to Sabine than anyone else on the crew, even Kanan. "What if I hurt you guys?" he whispered.
"You're already hurting us." Sabine replied, shaking her head. "Besides, Kanan said it only happened because you were asleep. You didn't know what you were doing. I'm not asking you to share a room with Zeb again, but could we at least have a meal together or something? Please?" she begged. "Come back to us, Ezra."she whispered.
Ezra looked up, seeing a plea in her eyes, sending her strong desire to have her friend back. He closes his eyes and took a deep breath. "Okay." he said, opening his eyes once more to meet hers, which were lighting up with hope.
"Okay?" she asked softly, as if afraid she'd imagined it. Ezra couldn't help giving her a soft smile.
"Yeah. Okay." he replied.
The smile she gave at his answer, brought back even more of him. Maybe I can finally start being me again. He thought as he followed her out of the room.
Sabine's talk had been the first step towards bring Ezra back from the prison the Imperials had trapped him in. He hadn't realized how much he'd missed the crew, so afraid of what he could do. Hera had smiled brighter than he'd ever seen her, and Chopper had let out several happy warbles when he'd made his reappearance. Zeb had glanced his way with a smile, but the lasat kept his distance. Ezra sensed he was afraid too, and he knew it might take a bit for them to fix the break in their friendship, but he didn't doubt it could be fixed. Kanan had proudly patted him on the shoulder, surrounding Ezra with his presence in the Force for a moment to remind the boy he believed in him. His family was ready to do whatever it took to help their youngest member bring himself back.
Three days went by, Ezra hadn't had another episode, and his nightmares had finally started to calm down a bit since he'd started hanging out with the crew again. He still didn't dare leave the Ghost, and wasn't going on any missions, but it was progress. He'd finally started smiling again, a real smile, not just one thrown out to appease whoever he was talking to. Of course, after three days of peace, there just had to be another problem.
He was sitting in the common room leaned up against Sabine while she sketched, happy to watch her as always. Zeb had been asked to help with a mission, Kanan and Hera had both been called in to help with the planning of a different mission, and Chopper was off harassing someone because he was bored. That was when the officer who'd demanded to question Ezra the moment they'd returned had come to interrupt them, two guards following behind him. "Ezra Bridger. You need to come with me." the officer hissed. Ezra froze, not liking his tone. He couldn't remember this guy's name, but he knew nobody liked him. He'd been a recent addition but had been given a decent ranking because of his military skill. "Lieutenant Commander Kriffhead" was what Ezra decided to call him, though he couldn't figure out why that seemed to fit.
"What's this about? And who gave you permission to board our ship?" Sabine demanded, glaring at him as she placed her sketch on the table.
"I need no permission to board your ship." Lieutenant Commander Kriffhead sneered. "My business with him is none of yours, but if you insist on knowing, then I've been given permission to question him about his capture by the Empire. We need to know what he said." Ezra froze at those words, and he sensed Sabine bristling with anger.
"Oh kriffing hells. You are absolutely not taking him." she hissed. "Not unless Kanan or Hera goes with him."
"You don't get a say in that, I'm afraid. Now, he will come with us, or I'll have you both locked up for interfering in an official investigation." Kriffhead replied. Ezra could see he was at the end of his patience, and the guards with him were both reaching for their blasters, and Sabine was starting to reach for hers. He didn't want her to get in trouble, and he was afraid these guys wouldn't be kind to her if they had to stun her to take him.
"It's okay Sabine. I'll go." Ezra said quickly, placing a hand on her shoulder. Sabine looked at him in surprise, silently protesting his acceptance. Ezra shook his head, giving her one of his smiles, hoping to calm her down. "I'll be okay. Besides, he's right. I haven't been able to give my side of the story because of my...condition. I figured they'd come ask me questions sooner or later." He didn't really want to go, but he would rather go with this guy than see Sabine hurt.
"At least one of you can be reasonable. Come with me boy." Kriffhead sniffed. Again Ezra froze, but he quickly shook it off, giving Sabine one more smile before following the man out of the room.
They led him to a room that had a single table in it, one chair on either side. Kriffead motioned to one of the chairs and Ezra sat down. "Alright boy, start at the beginning. What do you remember from your capture?" Kriffhead started. Ezra took a deep breath, hoping he'd be able to get everything out without the panic overwhelming him.
"My team and I were sent to retrieve some data on a new fleet the Empire was planning to put into play. I volunteered for the mission cause they needed someone who could fit into small spaces to sneak into the data center and slice in. I was supposed to transmit the data to one of the crew while the other two were on lookout." Ezra began, taking another deep breath before he continued. Okay Ezra, so far so good. You can do this. he told himself. "We managed to get to the data center, but the officer was waiting for me. The plans for the ship we looked at hadn't told us about the other entrance. When I went to retrieve the data, he grabbed me." His hands started to shake here, but he clenched them tightly, forcing himself to stay in the present. "I struggled and was able to warn my team that it was a trap. Told them to get out. That's when the officer smashed my comm before he called in two stormtroopers to drag me into an interrogation room." His mind flashed back to that moment, and he had to pause, his heartbeat quickening as he found it harder to breathe. Come on Ezra. Get it together. You're okay. he told himself.
"Well? Go on. What happened in the interrogation room?" Lieutenant Commander Kriffhead demanded, Ezra had apparently been silent too long for him.
"They strapped me to an interrogation table, and he tried to intimidate me." Ezra continued, unable to help the slight smirk as he recalled how furious the officer had been when he wasn't afraid. "Didn't work of course. Those guys are less intimidating than a puffle pig." He'd stopped shaking now, growing a bit more confident as he recalled how easy it had been to ruffle their feathers. Even the troopers had been amused by his antics, and he remembered hearing a few of them laugh before quickly fixing themselves back to attention. "Yeah, the guy didn't like that much. Decided hitting me was a great option. That hurt." Lieutenant Commander Kriffhead rolled his eyes at this, and Ezra could sense he was not as amused by his sass as the troopers had been. "After that, he called in an interrogation droid. That's when things start to get fuzzy. He gave me some kind of...truth serum I guess? I don't know. It made my mind all fuzzy and I couldn't think straight. Couldn't shut up either." At this, Lt. Cmdr. Kriffhead suddenly grew more interested. Ezra did not like that.
"What did he want to know?" Kriffhead demanded.
"Something about a rebel base? I think. But we don't have a solid base yet. Anyways, I refused to talk. So he had the droid up the pain level. Didn't ask me questions then, just watched with this stupid smirk on his face. When it finally stopped he asked if I was ready to talk. I think that's when Kanan showed up." Ezra tried, but he couldn't seem to remember the exact events that happened after this. He was certain he'd sassed the officer a bit more, but he couldn't remember what he'd said. All he could recall, was how furious Kanan had been when the officer wrapped a hand around his neck. Then there was concern. The next thing he remembered was waking up on the Ghost after he had that nightmare. "That's it. I don't remember anything else. Kanan saved me and we got out of there. Next thing I knew I was waking up on the Ghost." Ezra expected to be let go, he'd told everything he knew, but Kriffhead apparently wasn't satisfied.
"What did you tell him about our fleet?" the Lieutenant Commander demanded.
"Nothing, I swear. I already told you, I refused to talk. He zapped me until Kanan showed up. That's it." Ezra explained, starting to feel nervous.
"You expect me to believe that you, a child, held out against an Imperial interrogation droid? Even the best of our agents have been broken. Your own master barely made it through his own interrogation." Kriffhead huffed, shaking his head as he stalked around Ezra. Ezra's hands began to shake as he recalled Kanan's capture as well, a memory he wished he could forget. The fear, the anger when the rebels had refused to help, the fight with the Grand Inquisitor which had given him his scars. His own capture by the Empire started to replay in his mind, and he found himself struggling to breathe. "I know you talked boy. So tell me, what did you tell them? How did you betray us?" Lieutenant Commander Kriffhead hissed. Ezra gasped as the room around him seemed to spin, and he clenched his eyes shut. "Are you deaf? I said, talk."
Suddenly, he realized he wasn't safe. His eyes flashed open as the voice of the officer who tormented him laughed in his ears, and sure enough, standing next to him with a sinister smile, was the man responsible for his pain. "No. Not again." he whispered. The officer laughed, grinning at the boy.
"You thought you were free? Foolish child. You will never be free from me." The officer hissed. "I will always be there, haunting you. Your pain will never end, not until you talk."
"No! Get back!" Ezra cried, jumping out of his chair, throwing the officer with the Force and brandishing his saber. He had to get out, had to free himself. He looked around the room, finding no exit, fear blinding him to reality, mind trapped in a place that wasn't real. "You won't hurt me again! I will never betray my friends! Now let me go!" he demanded.
"You cannot escape me boy. Accept your fate. Tell me everything, or there will be more pain." the officer's voice hissed.
"No! No!" Ezra cried, trembling. Someone, please. Help me. Kanan? Where are you? Please! I need you! he thought.
The officer began laughing again, stalking ever closer.
"Ezra! Ez, it's okay!" a kind voice called out. Ezra's eyes went wide.
"Sabine?"
Sabine was furious when the Lieutenant Commander showed up, demanding Ezra come with him. She could tell by the way Ezra shook that the boy didn't want to go with him, but he'd gone anyways. She wasn't about to leave it though, following the four until she knew where he was taking Ezra. Don't worry Ezra. I'm going to get you out of there. she thought, running off to find Kanan and Hera.
They were just finishing up the meeting when she burst into the room. "Sabine! What are you doing? Where's Ezra?" Hera called surprised.
"That stupid Lieutenant Commander took him, the one who wanted to question him the moment we got him back. He came onto the Ghost while you were in this meeting and demanded Ezra go with him." Sabine explained, a scowl fixed on her face. She saw as Kanan's hands balled into fists, the man shaking with rage. "Ezra went with him. He didn't want to, but I think he was scared they'd hurt me. The Lieutenant wasn't exactly friendly, and he had these two guards with him that didn't look too friendly either."
Kanan stood up, walking past Sabine. "Show me." he demanded. Sabine didn't need to be told twice, rushing out of the room with Kanan and heading straight for the interrogation room they'd dragged Ezra to. "I'm gonna kriffing kill this guy." Kanan growled as he realized where they'd taken Ezra. The boy had been captured and protected his crew, he didn't deserve to be treated like a traitor. Plus, Kanan and Hera were basically his guardians, and he was still a child. They never should've grabbed the kid without informing him or her first.
The sound of shouting and a saber igniting caused the two to rush even faster, and they burst into the room as Ezra cried out in fear. Oh no! I was too late! This kriffing sleemo triggered another episode! Sabine thought as Ezra trembled, backing away from the lieutenant in fear.
"Well look who's here. Control that loth-rat! He's lost his mind!" The lieutenant commander shouted as Kanan burst into the room. That was a bad move on his part.
"You son of a gundark!" Kanan growled, grabbing the lieutenant commander and punching him in the face. "He's a child! A kriffing child! You had no right to question him!"
"A child old enough to go into battle. If he's old enough to fight, he's old enough to be questioned, without supervision." Lieutenant Commander replied.
While Kanan was dealing with him, Sabine had walked over to Ezra, who was panting harshly, gasping for breath as he fought a threat that wasn't there. "No! No!" the boy cried, shaking his head as she approached, clearly not seeing her.
"Ezra! Ez, it's okay!" Sabine called. Ezra's eyes went wide, and he turned to look at her.
"Sabine?" he whispered, clearly shocked.
"That's right, it's me. I'm right here." Sabine whispered, reaching out.
"I've had enough of this lunacy! Restrain him!" the lieutenant commanded. His goons began closing in, and Ezra let out a protective growl, grabbing Sabine and pulling her behind him.
"Stay back! I won't let you hurt her!" Ezra growled out. "I don't know how you caught her, but you're not gonna touch her!" He slashed his lightsaber as one of the goons got too close, backing up until Sabine had her back to a wall.
"Ezra?" she questioned.
"Don't worry Sabine. Just stay behind me. We'll get out of here." Ezra responded, glancing behind him. She realized then, that though her voice had broken through, she hadn't brought him completely back. Ezra's mind had simply trapped her with him, and he was going to need her help to escape.
"Ezra, listen to me." Sabine said calmly, reaching out to place a hand on his shoulder. "It's okay. What you're seeing isn't real." Ezra shook his head as she said this, glancing back at her with worry.
"What are you talking about? The Imps have us! We have to get out!" he cried.
"No Ez, they don't. We're not trapped. You're on the Liberator. You're safe, I'm safe. Everyone is safe." Sabine whispered, giving his shoulder a squeeze. "Please, Ezra. Come back to us."
Ezra's body trembled, the fearlessness he'd shown when he was protecting her fading as fear took over. He slowly lowered his saber, allowing it to deactivate as he shook his head. "'Bine. Help...me..." he gasped out. His eyes suddenly rolled into the back of his head, and Sabine cried out as his body dropped to the floor, the girl quickly catching him and holding tightly as she knelt with him.
"Ezra!" she cried in concern, looking him over. Kanan had released the lieutenant by now, and was about to walk over, when the idiot decided he was in charge again.
"Restrain that boy and throw him in a cell! He's clearly a danger to everyone and a traitor to the rebellion!" Lieutenant Commander Kriffhead hissed.
As his goons approached, Sabine whipped out her blaster, setting it to kill. "Get back! You take another step and it'll be the last thing you do!" she hissed. The goons chose not to listen, so Sabine fired a shot at one of their feet. "I said GET BACK!" she growled, holding Ezra protectively. "If you try taking him, I'll kill you. I mean it, I'll shoot." She glared at both goons, daring them to take another step. "I'm a mandalorian. We don't miss." she added, directing her blaster at the idiot who'd decided to take another step.
"You insolent little - " Lieutenant Commander Kriffhead sputtered. "Take her too! Clearly she cannot be trusted."
"Try it, I dare you." Sabine hissed. She fired once more as the goons tried again to approach, letting out a protective growl. "STAY. BACK."
"Sabine! Calm down!" Kanan commanded, worried the girl was actually going to kill someone.
"Get control of your crew, Jarrus, or I'll - " the lieutenant commander started.
"Or you'll what, Lieutenant?" A voice called, disapproval strong.
"Commander Tano!" Lieutenant Commander Kriffhead called, clearly startled. "I was just doing my duty! The boy went insane, and then these two miscreants attacked me and threatened my men!"
"Oh really? Because from my understanding, you boarded their ship without permission, took a minor, and threw him into an interrogation without informing his captain or his master. Does that sound about right?" Ahsoka snarked back, her arms crossed over her chest. Lieutenant Commander Kriffhead opened his mouth to protest, but Ahsoka held up her hand. "Oh I've heard more than enough out of you. You're dismissed, Lieutenant."
"It's...it's lieutenant commander." Lieutenant Kriffhead said, though he was no longer speaking with confidence.
"Not anymore. As of now, you're stripped of your command, by order of Commander Sato." Ahsoka said, standing tall. "Now, get out. Commander Sato will be having a word with you later." Lieutenant Kriffhead left after that, his goons quickly following him out of the room. "Be grateful nobody was hurt, or the consequences would be far worse." Ahsoka whispered as he walked by her. Even after they left, Sabine had a tight grip on her blaster, and one on Ezra too. Ahsoka walked over to her, hands up in surrender. "It's okay Sabine. Hera told me what happened. I promise, nobody's going to take Ezra from you." she assured the girl.
Sabine remained tense for a moment, not quite sure she trusted Ahsoka. "Sabine, it's over now." Hera called out, walking over and kneeling next to the girl. "As soon as you left with Kanan, I contacted Ahsoka and Commander Sato both. I promise you, that idiot won't be able to get within five feet of Ezra for as long as he lives." she explained. Finally, Sabine relaxed, putting her blaster away and taking a deep breath.
"I should've just shot those guys." Sabine whispered as she returned her attention to Ezra.
"Sabine. That's not how we handle things." Hera reminded her.
"You should've seen what they did to him. He was terrified." Sabine replied, shaking her head. "I almost couldn't bring him back. I thought we lost him forever."
"But you did. It was your voice that broke through." Kanan spoke up now, walking over and placing a hand on her shoulder. "I'm proud of you Sabine. I let my anger get the best of me and attacked the kriffing idiot without even thinking about helping Ezra first. At least you tried to reach him."
Ezra let out a soft moan now, his body starting to shiver as he slowly started to regain consciousness. Hera reached out and gently brushed a hand through his hair, softly shushing him in an attempt to soothe him a little. "We should bring him back to the Ghost. I don't want him waking up in this awful place." she whispered.
"I agree. You take Ezra back to the Ghost. I'll go inform Commander Sato of what happened in here, and we'll have someone clean up those blast marks." Ahsoka said.
Kanan knelt by Sabine now, givng her shoulder a gentle squeeze. "Hey, think you could let me carry him?" he said softly. Sabine realized she'd tightened her grip on the boy again when he said this, and she took another deep breath before nodding, letting him go so Kanan could pick him up. "Come on, let's get him home."
The three spectres walked out of the room, their youngest member nestled safely in the arms of his master as they headed back to the ship they all called home.
Later, when Zeb had returned from his mission, the five Spectres sat in the common room of their ship, all deciding it was time to discuss how to move forward regarding Ezra while the boy was resting.
"That lousy - oh if I ever get my hands on him." Zeb growled out as Sabine told him what had happened while he was away.
"Easy, Zeb. I know how you feel, but as good as it would make you feel to lay him out, it's not gonna help Ezra." Kanan said.
"Says the guy who socked him in his stupid face as soon as he walked in the room." Zeb scoffed back.
"Alright, that's enough. Ezra needs us now more than ever, so no more fighting. From any of you." Hera said, putting them back on track. The room was silent for a moment, each trying to think of how to proceed. Finally, Sabine let out a sigh.
"There's no 'fixing' him, is there?" she whispered.
"No. Not with this." Kanan admitted. "But we can help him get back to himself. It'll take some work, but Ezra's strong, and he's got all of us backing him. I know he'll be okay."
"So, where do we start?" Hera asked.
"We take it one day at a time. We make sure he knows he's not alone. And whatever happens, we work through it, together." Kanan replied. The crew all nodded in agreement, each of them determined.
This was the way it was always going to be, of course, but they'd needed to bring up the bantha in the room. Ezra was hurting, he was broken, and it wasn't something he could deal with on his own. Now that they'd all agreed to help the boy, there was no chance of him slipping away from them as he'd tried to do before. Even if he pulled back, even if he begged them to stay away, they wouldn't leave him alone. They'd put him back together, piece-by-piece, one day at a time, until Ezra Bridger felt whole again, and the Empire had lost its grip on him.
Notes:
This was not meant to be so SabEzra heavy but SabEzra brain took over. My apologies. Hope you still enjoyed it! Also this one fought me a lot, so I apologize if it's not as good as the previous chapter! I'll do my best to do better with the next one!
Chapter 3: The Love of a Father
Notes:
I have been struggling for DAYS on how to write this so forgive me if it is not good. Kanan must still be mad I killed Ezra in my last fic and tormented him in this one. Sorry space-dad, now let me write.
OH. MY. SWEET. STARS. Kanan was fighting me, Ezra was fighting me, AHSOKA, MY FAVORITE CHARACTER, WAS FIGHTING ME. But it's finally here. It's finished. I hope you enjoy this chapter cause it really freaking kicked my butt!
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
Things got worse before they got better. Ezra woke constantly from the nightmares after that day. There were several times Kanan had had to use the Force just to calm him back down, calling out to the kid through their bond to remind him of the truth. If it wasn't that, Ezra was waking up so upset that he would be sick. Kanan was always by his side in those moments, rubbing his back, whispering to him softly, doing his best to soothe the boy, who was looking more ragged and worn down the longer this went on. Kanan hated it. Hated how helpless he felt, how hopeless Ezra felt, how broken his kid was.
Despite their attempts to keep Ezra from isolating himself, the boy still found ways to hide from the crew. Unfortunately for them, agreeing to help the boy didn't actually help them know how to help him. Ezra eventually reached a point where he'd refused to sleep, refused to eat, refused to even speak. The kid was losing himself more and more each day, and all Kanan could seem to do was watch.
The jedi sighed, placing his head in his hands as he sat at a table in one of the empty rec rooms on the Liberator. He'd left the Ghost, needing to clear his head after having to beg Ezra to eat something once again, just for the boy to snap at him and accidentally smash the plate when he'd sent it flying with the Force. "Credit for your thoughts?" an annoyingly familiar voice said.
"Rex. You just get back from your mission?" Kanan asked, looking up to see the old clone looking at him with concern.
"Yeah. Just finished my report. I was going to head straight for the Ghost but Ahsoka told me it was off-limits right now to anyone outside your crew without you or Hera's permission. Mind telling me what's going on?" Rex asked, raising an eyebrow at the man seated in front of him.
"You might want to sit down for this. Kind of a long story." Kanan said, waving a hand to the seat across from him. Rex sat, and Kanan began to explain everything, starting with Ezra's capture and rescue. Rex of course, found the boy's sass and bravery amusing, and even Kanan couldn't help a slight smirk as he recounted the boy declaring his love for each and every one of his crewmates. But then they'd reached the hard part, and suddenly Kanan wasn't smiling again. "I wish it could've stayed that way." he whispered as Rex joked about how sorry he was he'd missed that and how strong the kid must've been to take an Imperial interrogation and walk it off like it was nothing. As he explained this next part, he watched as Rex's expression changed from joy, to concern, and then understanding. The rage came when he talked about the lieutenant who'd triggered Ezra.
"Why that lousy kriffing good-for-nothin' laserbrain!" Rex shouted, slamming a fist on the table and jumping out of his seat. "I oughtta show him what a real commander is capable of." he growled.
"Don't worry about it, Ahsoka already dealt with the guy, and I'm pretty sure Sabine had his lackeys more scared than she did." Kanan replied.
"Surprised you didn't lay him out yourself." Rex said.
"Oh he did. Unortunately this sleemo wasn't smart enough to take the black eye Kanan gave him to heart." Ahsoka's voice cut in.
"Ahsoka." Kanan said softly, lifting his head in surprise.
"I went to check on Ezra. Hera told me what happened and asked me to come talk to you. Heard Rexter here yelling about a certain lieutenant and figured he'd found who I was looking for." Ahsoka explained. Kanan sighed, knowing Hera was probably just as worried about him as she was Ezra at this point. He wasn't doing well either. He'd lost sleep, and he could hardly eat, the effect of his padawan's emotions strong on him, though he was still in far better shape than the boy. "Kanan." Ahsoka said, placing a hand on his shoulder. "Talk to me. How's Ezra doing?"
"He's getting worse every day." Kanan whispered. "I do what I can, but it just feels like it's not enough. I can feel him slipping further and further away, like he's drowning but no matter how hard I try to reach him he just sinks deeper and deeper." he explained, placing his head in his hands again to hide the fact that he was near tears. He knows attachments were forbidden by the old teachings, but it didn't matter. Ezra was his kid, and he was losing him. "I don't know what else to do. I'm failing him."
"That's not true. From what you've told me, you and your crew are the only things keepin' that kid from falling completely apart." Rex spoke up. Kanan just let out another sigh, shaking his head.
"It's not enough." he whispered. He took a deep breath, thinking of the child he loved like a son, of how much he missed the way he would smile whenever a plan worked out, or when Kanan would praise him. Of the laughter that had been missing ever since Ezra had had that first episode. The longer he sat there, the more determined he was to find a way to help that smile and laughter return to the boy, and he made a decision. Taking a deep breath, he looked up a the togruta and the old clone sitting across from him, his eyes pleading with them. "I need your help. Please."
Ahsoka and Rex both glanced at each other before looking back at Kanan, and he could sense he hadn't needed to ask at all.
"Of course, Kanan. In fact, I just might know a way we can help Ezra, together." Ahsoka said, a smile on her face.
"I'll follow your lead Commander." Rex said with a grin. "He's a good kid. Whatever we can do, I'm on board."
"Thank you." Kanan whispered, feeling a spark of hope for the first time in a while. I won't let you drown Ezra, and neither will anyone else. Kanan thought as Ahsoka began to explain her plan.
Ezra was exhausted. He didn't sleep, and when he did he dreamed, and those dreams were nightmares. Even awake he couldn't seem to escape the visions that tormented him. He hardly left Kanan's room for fear of being triggered and harming one of his friends. He'd grown desperate and hopeless, snapping at Kanan when the man tried to get him to eat. Food had lost all taste, all point, all meaning to him. Why eat when he was just going to throw it back up again later? When his stomach rioted at the thought of it, and his panic reacted like a hungry nexu finally cornering its prey, clawing at his chest and making it difficult to breathe?
He had snapped at Kanan again today, and hidden himself away in the man's room, curled up in a ball in the corner as tears of frustration spilled out of his eyes. Force, he was so tired. "Hey kid, heard you're having a rough go of it." a familiar voice said softly. Ezra froze, then let out a soft sigh. He should've known this would happen eventually.
"Rex." he whispered, glancing up at the old clone. He must've just got back from his mission. But what is he doing here? he wondered. Rex gave him a look that told him exactly why he was there, and Ezra couldn't stand the sight of it. "What are you doing here? I bet that mission was pretty tough. You should take some time to rest." he said, hoping to push him away.
"Kanan told me what happened." Rex said. Ezra's hands clenched into fists, his body tensing up. He'd assumed as much, but he still didn't understand why Rex would bother coming in here. "Told me what's been happening since too."
"Then you should know better than to be in here right now." Ezra growled, his body starting to shake from how tense he was. "I'm dangerous Rex. Just get out."
Rex sighed and shook his head. "That's not true kid."
"Did you not hear about what I did to Zeb? What I almost did to that Lieutenant Commander?" Ezra snapped. "If Sabine hadn't been able to pull me out of there, someone would've got hurt!"
"What happened to Zeb was an accident kid, and that laserbrain of a lieutenant would've deserved anything you did to him for pushing you like that." Rex responded. Ezra shook his head, tears of frustration pouring from his eyes.
"You just don't understand! Nobody does!" he cried out, burying his face.
Rex let out a sigh, and they were both silent for a moment. Ezra wondered if he'd finally decided to leave, the way the others would when he'd pushed back enough, not because they wanted to, but because they feared pushing him too far. He knew just how to get them to back off, and he figured it would work with Rex too, until the clone spoke up again. "My brothers and I, we'd have nightmares too ya know." Rex whispered. Ezra paused, peeking up from his arms when the man continued. "Some of them...they went mad. Couldn't take the things we'd seen, the losses we'd faced during the wars." Ezra sniffed softly, wondering if he'd face the same fate. "Most of us though, we managed just fine. You wanna know how?" He had Ezra's full attention now, the boy sitting up a little straighter as he nodded, watching as the clone approached and placed a hand on his shoulder. "We had each other. When the nightmares got to be too much, we knew we weren't alone. Didn't make them go away, but relying on each other, knowing we had each other's backs, sure made them a lot less hard to handle." Ezra met his eyes now, a small glimmer of hope showing. "You're not alone kid. You've got your master, and the rest of your crew. And you've got me too." Rex gently squeezed the kid's shoulder now, a small show of affection and a reminder he was there too. "Anytime you need to talk, I'm here."
Rex was silent after that, allowing Ezra to process everything he'd just said, and the promise he'd just made. Ezra took a deep breath, wiping away the tears he'd cried. "Thanks Rex." he whispered, then let out a sigh. "But I'm not sure just talking about them is gonna help here."
"Actually, that's exactly where you need to start." a new voice spoke. Ezra looked up to see Ahsoka and Kanan both standing in the doorway. "Acknowledging your fears is the first step towards letting them go. You've been trying to run from them Ezra, and in running away, you've only given them more power over you."
Ezra raised an eyebrow, not quite understanding how that worked. "What do you mean?" he asked.
"You were so afraid of being triggered and hurting someone, that you refused to let yourself acknowledge what happened, or talk about it. You tried shutting it out completely, but by doing that it became all you could think about." Ahsoka explained. Ezra was still confused, raising an eyebrow and silently asking her to continue. "It's like telling someone who's afraid of heights not to look down when crossing a bridge. The first thing they usually do is look down, because in trying not to think about it, it becomes the only thing they can think about."
"So by avoiding everyone I just made my fear more real." Ezra whispered. Ahsoka nodded, and Ezra sighed softly. "So what do I do? I can't talk about it without losing myself. Sabine barely managed to pull me out last time, and it's getting harder and harder for Kanan to pull me out of the nightmares, even if he uses the Force." It was true, Kanan had been struggling more and more, which was part of why Ezra had been getting less sleep, afraid the next time he slept his master would be unable to free him from his mind, trapping him in that dark place until he hurt himself or someone else.
"There's your answer. The Force." Ahsoka replied, a small smile on her face. "You know about meditation, right?" Ezra nodded. It was still one of his weakest skills, but it had also been one of the first things Kanan had had him working on as well after he agreed to train him. "Normally, you'd empty your mind, it's about finding your center and clearing your thoughts. This is similar, except we want you to focus on one thing. The very thing you've been afraid to talk about." she explained. Ezra shook his head.
"I fail to see how focusing on the very thing that triggers me is going to fix me." he replied.
"Ezra, I watched the security footage from your interrogation." Ahsoka revealed. "You got through your explanation just fine. What we need to figure out, is what he did after that triggered you and why, not only so we can avoid it, but so we can work towards these episodes happening less often." she explained.
Ezra was still unsure. He wanted desperately to be done with these horrible nightmares, to stop fearing another episode where he was trapped in that terrifying moment with that kriffing Imp. Still he was afraid, what if he got trapped again? Kanan seemed to sense his hesitation, stepping forward and placing a hand on his shoulder. "Ezra, it's okay. If you're not ready for this, then we don't have to do it." he reassured him. "The whole point of this is to help you, and pushing you to do something you're not ready for won't help." He paused and Ezra thought he was finished, but Kanan said something that surprised him. "But if you want to know the truth? I think you're more than ready. I think you've been ready, we just didn't know where to start." Ezra looked up at him now, vulnerable, still afraid, but with a sense of hope for the first time in a long time.
"What if I get stuck again?" he whispered.
"You won't be alone this time. Ahsoka and I will be with you. The moment you say stop, we stop, and we'll pull you out with us." Kanan assured him. Ezra closed his eyes, picturing his friends, how much he missed them, how dearly he wished to be part of the team again, to go on missions and share in both their laughter when there was victory, and their sorrows when they lost. He took a deep breath and looked back up to see Kanan smiling at him encouragingly.
"Okay. I'm ready." he said, taking another deep breath and letting it out with a determined huff. He looked over at Ahsoka who waved her hand towards the center of the room. Ezra couldn't leave the Ghost, so Kanan's room was the best place for them to do this.
"We'll start simple, right at the beginning. I want you to focus on how the mission started, and when things started to go wrong." Ahsoka said as they sat down in a circle, connecting with each other through the Force. Ezra took a deep breath focusing on slipping into the meditative trance while also picturing the mission that had started it all in his head.
"The mission started off fine. We were able to reach the vent leading into the datacenter with no trouble." Ezra narrated as he connected with Kanan and Ahsoka, the meditative trance quickly creating the image Ezra saw in his mind as he thought about the mission. "I snuck in while one of them kept guard, and the other waited to receive the information we were looking for." The scenery changed and they were all in the data center, Ezra watched in awe as he saw a shadow of himself walking over to the console, calling to the others that he was in and about to connect the transfer chip to the terminal. Then the ghost of that stupid kriffing officer showed up, and Ezra backed up, right into Kanan.
"It's okay Ezra, I'm here. This is just a memory." Kanan reminded him as he looked up in fear. Ezra took a deep breath.
"We didn't know about the second entrance. Our maps showed only one, and we figured it would be guarded. This was supposed to be an easy in and out." Ezra explained, taking another deep breath as he watched the officer open his eyes wide in surprise before grinning and approaching his ghost self. "Don't think this guy was expecting to see me, but he must've recognized me because he was pretty quick to grab me. I fought back, managed to warn everyone before he knocked the comm out of my hands and crushed it." The group watched as the visages struggled as Ezra had described, before Ezra ultimately lost his comm.
"Now I see why Zeb grabbing you like that set you off the first time." Kanan said. Ezra shrugged, clearly embarrassed.
"I was too confident. Should've been more aware of my surroundings. He never should've caught me by surprise like that. Kriffing idiot wasn't even carrying a blaster." he whispered. As Ezra grew more distracted, the vision began to waver, growing cloudy and unclear.
"That doesn't matter right now. Focus Ezra, what happened next?" Ahsoka replied, placing a hand on his shoulder encouragingly.
Ezra nodded, sighing softly before continuing. "By the time I'd managed to struggle out of his grasp the second time, those troopers guarding the other entrance noticed the noise and came running in. These guys did have blasters." The group watched as the troopers ran in and shadow Ezra raised his hands in surrender. Ezra continued on, and it played out like a strange movie, the troopers coming to grab him, his attempt to escape, the punches that had left several bruises, Ezra dropping to the floor, a blaster shoved in his face, his hands quickly shooting up as barely concealed fear filled his eyes. "I tried to get away. I just...couldn't. But at least those idiots were so focused on capturing me they didn't think to set off any alarms. The rest of the crew got out safe."
"You did good Ezra, I'm proud of you." Kanan replied. Sure, he'd been a little careless, but he'd still put up a pretty good fight, and the first thing he'd thought about was the safety of the rest of his crew, rather than getting himself out. Ezra smiled at Kanan, then let out a sigh.
"Once they had me, and they realized the rest of my crew escaped, they dragged me straight to an interrogation room." Ezra said, plowing straight into the next part. They followed the specters of the troopers, Ezra, and that officer down the hallway, straight into the interrogation room. "They shoved me into that stupid chair. Strapped me down. I struggled but there wasn't anything I could do at this point." The scene played out for a moment longer, and they watched as the officer approached Ezra with a malicious grin on his face.
"Ready to talk now, boy?" The officer hissed, suddenly turning that grin towards Ezra. Ezra gasped, his eyes going wide in fear as the officer laughed, his shadow becoming less of a specter and more like the physical apparition similar to how Ezra, Kanan, and Ahsoka all looked in this strange memory world. "You didn't think you could escape me, did you?" The officer whispered, slowly approaching.
"No....no!" Ezra whimpered, backing himself up between Kanan and Ahsoka, his body trembling. "No, you're not....it's impossible....you aren't real!" The boy cried, his breathing coming in quick, panicked pants.
"Ezra!" Kanan cried in concern, hoping the sound of his voice would remind the boy where he really was.
"Oh, how wonderful. You brought your friends with you. Perhaps I shall start with one of them. Or maybe they're here to watch? Either way, there is no escape for you child." the officer sneered continuing to approach the terrified teen. Kanan let out a protective growl, reaching for his saber and stepping in front of the boy.
"Kanan! Stop!" Ahsoka warned, but Kanan couldn't help himself. His kid was in danger, he was afraid, and he couldn't just stand by and watch as this twisted hellscape tormented him.
"You won't touch him!" Kanan growled, his own memories affecting his emotions, the Dark Side feeding off their energy, trapping the three jedi in this place. "Never again! He was alone when he faced you before, but not anymore. You won't hurt him ever again!" he spat. The officer laughed again, daring Kanan to stop him. Kanan lashed out, but the man simply stepped to the side, grabbing him and shoving him off balance.
"Well, well, well. It would seem we have a volunteer." the Imp hissed, turning away from Ezra to grab Kanan. Kanan's eyes went wide as his arm was suddenly twisted behind his back painfully, causing him to cry out.
"Agh, what's happening?" he cried in confusion, having been snapped out of his rage the moment the officer had thrown him off balance.
"The moment you and Ezra acknowledged him he became real to you both! There's nothing I can do to stop him, not without risking us all staying trapped here forever!" Ahsoka called out, her eyes going wide as the officer roughly shoved Kanan towards the interrogation table, kicking away the saber Kanan had dropped as he continued his threats.
"Now, we'll see how well this jedi likes to talk!" The officer cried, a gleeful expression on his face as he raised his arm, an electrified baton in his hand.
"Kanan! You have to move! He can hurt you now!" Ahsoka cried, watching in horror as Kanan shook his head, still disoriented from the realization that somehow this vision had become real enough to hurt.
Suddenly there was a flash of blue, Ezra's lightsaber coming to block the baton before it could meet his master, the boy glaring in defiance at the officer. "No! You're not gonna touch him!" Ezra growled, shoving the officer back away from his master. The officer appeared shocked for a moment, his appearance changing for a moment back to the ghost it had been before. Then the officer laughed again, and Ezra let out another growl.
"Oh, feeling brave are we? I seem to recall that not working well for you before, strapped to that same table, in this very room." the man hissed, advancing towards Ezra. Ezra hesitated for a moment, his body starting to shake again as the officer got closer and closer. "Face it boy, you will never be rid of me, and all your friends will suffer because of you!"
Ezra growled, shaking his head. "Shut. UP!" he shouted, shoving the officer back with the Force. Kanan watched in awe as the boy who was still shaking stood against the officer he was so afraid of. Ezra glanced back at him, a confident grin on his face. "Sorry master. You don't have to worry about me, I've got this sleemo from here." he said confidently. Kanan grinned right back, a sense of pride filling him.
"So brave when you have friends to back you up, but what about when you're alone?" The officer hissed. There was a flash, and suddenly, Kanan and Ahsoka were gone. Ezra's eyes went wide, frantically searching the room for his master and the togruta, The officer began laughing again, stalking towards the boy. "Look at how you tremble! I knew that bravery wouldn't last long. Admit it boy, you're afraid, and as long as you fear me, you are alone!" he growled at the young boy, a sneer fixed on his face, seemingly growing larger with every step he took.
Ezra closed his eyes, his hands clenching tightly to his saber, the faces of his friends flashing through his mind, their pleas to be let back in, to come back to them, to come back to himself. The officer laughed again, and Ezra growled, his eyes snapping back open, a glare fixed on his face. "You're right, I'm afraid. But I'm done letting it control me!" he growled, turning and slashing at the controls behind him. "I'm not alone! I have Hera, and Kanan, and Sabine, and Zeb, and Chopper! Even Ahsoka and Rex!" he cried out, continuing to slash at things, destroying the room that had left him trapped for so long. "I'm done letting you control me. You can't hurt me. I'm taking back my family, and I'm taking back ME!" As he declared this, he slashed out once more, destroying the blasted table that he'd been tormented on. The officer had grown more enraged with each slash, but he'd grown weaker too, his visage now flickering between solid and the ghost he'd been as Ezra walked Kanan and Ahsoka through his memories.
Ezra stood there, staring at the man, challenging him. Officer Kriffhead growled in rage. "I will always be with you. You will never escape me." he hissed. Ezra sighed, closing his eyes once more before looking back up with a smirk.
"Maybe. But I'm done letting that take me away from the people I love." Kriffhead charged at him and Ezra let out one final cry, slashing at the man with his lightsaber.
A bright light filled the room, and then suddenly everything went dark.
Kanan was so proud of Ezra as the boy worked his way through everything, watching as the kid grew more confident with each memory they showed. When that officer had come after the kid however, all that confidence had vanished, replaced with a fear that had left the jedi trapped in that cursed room he'd found the boy in weeks ago when this whole mess started. Foolishly, he'd chosen to fight the vision, forgetting anything except his desire to protect his kid. He'd nearly ruined everything they'd been working towards with this move, the shock of realizing what he'd done disorienting him long enough for this vision to get the advantage, the Dark Side thriving off his anger and confusion. But then Ezra had done something amazing, rushing to protect his master, facing the very thing he was afraid of to protect the man.
Just as Kanan thought they were finally breaking through, a bright light flashed through the room, and he found himself flung out of Ezra's mind. He groaned in pain as he slowly sat up, shaking his head in confusion as he tried to figure out what just happened. "Agh, what's going on?" he groaned.
"Ezra's mind threw us out." Ahsoka replied, letting out her own soft grunt of pain as she sat up.
"What!?" Kanan cried, his eyes going wide in shock. He quickly looked over to his padawan, surprised to find the child was still sitting in his trance. "How is this even possible?"
"I'm guessing that once you realized Ezra was able to protect himself, the vision lost its hold on you, but Ezra wasn't ready to let go. I could feel the Dark Side influencing things, Ezra could probably sense it too in some way. Since it's his mind we were in, he probably subconsciously threw us out in order to protect us." Ahsoka explained.
Just as she finished her explanation, there was a burst in the Force. Kanan looked over at Ezra once more, his eyes going wide as the boy suddenly slumped completely to the floor. "Ezra!" he cried, rushing to his padawan's side, gently lifting his head as his mind flashed back to the cave on that asteroid. "Ezra, come on." he whispered. Suddenly the boy groaned softly, letting out a few coughs as his eyes slowly fluttered open.
"Dad." he whispered, a hand reaching out to grasp Kanan's sleeve.
If Ahsoka noticed the slip, she didn't mention it, and Kanan didn't care. "I'm here bud, I'm right here." the man replied softly, giving the kid a small smile as their eyes met. "You okay?" Ezra nodded, carefully sitting up with his master's help. He stared down at the ground for a moment, but Kanan sensed it as the boy's emotions suddenly shifted, and when Ezra looked up, there was a look of relief.
"The voice....it's finally gone." he whispered, tears starting to spill out of his eyes. "Kanan, he's finally gone. He's....he's gone. He's finally gone." A cry of relief left the boy, and Kanan immediately pulled him in for a hug as the kid began sobbing.
"Oh, kid." Kanan whispered, squeezing tighter to the boy as his body began to tremble, though it wasn't from fear anymore. The sense of relief was so powerful, even those not sensitive to the Force could've felt it. Ahsoka smiled as she slowly stood up, leaving the two to have their moment together. I love you buddy, so much. Kanan thought, not realizing in his own emotional state that he was projecting this thought to Ezra through the Force, causing the boy to hold him tighter as the tears continued to flow.
That night, for the first time in a month, Ezra finally slept soundly.
Notes:
Well, that's it for now! Hopefully the next few chapters won't fight me as much. Now, i want ya'll to know, Ezra is not better. Healing isn't linear for one, and this is only the first step towards him being able to manage his PTSD and rejoin the fight, not to mention reconnecting with his family after cutting them off for an entire month. That said, I truly hope you enjoyed this chapter because it was a freaking pain in my butt. Let me know what you think!
Chapter 4: The Love of a Mother (and Her Murder Bot)
Notes:
You have no idea how much my brain was fighting me on this one just trying to CONVINCE myself to write. Seriously, I think Hera hates me at this point because I keep making blueberry boy suffer. (That and Chopper wasn't helpful.) Anyways, enjoy some love from our favorite murder bot and space-mom!
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
Ezra only continued to improve in the weeks that followed this first meditation session. That first night of sleep had come as a relief not only to the young teen, but to his master and the rest of the crew as well. Turns out combining no sleep with no food just makes a person feel like absolute kriff, and it had only made the problem worse. Since the meditation had helped, Ezra and Kanan continued to work through his trauma through meditation sessions, with Ahsoka joining whenever she could. Rex was also around, listening when Ezra started to feel himself pulling back and reminding him that isolating himself wasn't the answer. He'd tell his own stories about how he'd survived during the Clone Wars, how his brothers had helped him.
Gradually Ezra's smile started to return, and the kid rejoined his crew. The Spectres couldn't have been happier than they were that first time Ezra had asked if he could join them for mealtime again, joyfully making room for him at the table and talking and laughing together as they used to before the boy had begun retreating from them. Even Chopper was in a better mood, noticing the change in the youngest organic on the team. The little droid had been particularly snappy since Ezra started deteriorating, quick to zap anyone who irritated him even the slightest bit, leaving the ship to find an unwary victim in one of the other members of the rebellion more often than not. More than once Hera had been forced to put a restraining bolt on the droid when he'd gotten particularly grumpy and chased down someone simply for walking into his path. Several officers had made complaints to Commander Sato about the unruly droid, and she'd had no choice but to restrain Chop until he'd calmed down.
The more Ezra improved, the more the droid's mood had improved. Though he'd never admit it, the young boy had become one of his favorite organics, zapping him more often as a way of getting his attention than because he was grumpy. Chopper enjoyed the games they played together, especially when it involved the boy chasing him down, amused by the reactions he could get. Ezra had also always stood up for Chopper when other organics would dismiss the droid as junk and treat him poorly, quick to remind them that the droid had saved more than one of their lives on more than one occasion, and that the droid was part of his crew. One time, the child had even taken a lecture from his master for fighting with another organic after he'd caught the guy shoving Chopper around until the droid had fallen over.
Yes, Chopper adored the young jedi more than he'd ever dare to admit to anyone. It was because of this adoration that he'd kept his promise to Hera not to prank the child until Kanan had fixed whatever circuits had gone haywire in the boy. Well, it had been two months now since the boy had been returned to them after his capture, and he seemed to be functioning properly once more. The boy had rejoined for what the organics called "mealtime" where they consumed the fuel that powered them, which Chopper heard them call "food". He'd also heard the child was properly recharging his circuitry with periods of shutting down which the organics called "sleep". Because of these factors, Chopper had decided this meant he could play with the child once more, and so on this particular cycle, while Kanan, Zeb, and Sabine were off on a mission, he chose to initiate a game of chase.
Rolling himself down the hall towards the room the human child was currently sharing with his master, Chopper warbled quiet laughter to himself. He knew the times the child tended to be meditating, and he knew that was the perfect opportunity to mess with the boy, as he'd be unable to notice the droid sneaking up on him with his zapper out. Sure enough, as he silently entered the room, the boy sat on the floor with his eyes closed and legs crossed, breathing deeply and slowly. Oh how excited the little droid was, just a little closer.....and....now!
Ezra let out a scream as electricity surged through his body, flailing backwards and falling flat on the floor as Chopper warbled out in laughter. Now the chase would begin - wait, something is wrong. Chopper's laughing warbles stopped abruptly as he noticed the boy had not yet started yelling at him. "Wurb burb?" the droid warbled Ezra's name questioningly. Ezra had shoved himself back as far against the wall as he could, his head buried in his arms as his body shook. Chopper warbled out in concern once more, confused. He called out to the child again, but there was no response.
"No no no no no no. Please. Go away. Go away!" Ezra whimpered softly, curling in as tightly as he could. Chopper called out to the child again, louder this time, but all that returned were pleas for help, cries for Kanan, who was several parsecs away on a mission that he wouldn't return from for possibly another cycle. Chopper didn't understand what was going on, but he knew he'd somehow broken Ezra, and he was not built for fixing organics. That was the job of medical droids, and Chopper was certainly no medical droid. A medical droid wouldn't have broken his favorite human child. "Help me, please. Somebody help me." Ezra whimpered out again.
Chopper stared at the boy for a moment more, trying to process what was going on, to figure out what to do. The child was leaking fluids, Chopper knew from the sounds his servos picked up, but he'd never been able to figure out how the organics stopped that leaking. Hera. Hera will know. The droid thought, realizing that surely the twi'lek, another organic, would know the secret to stopping the leaking fluids and maybe even fix whatever circuits Chopper had mistakenly broken when he'd zapped the boy. Warbling out a promise to return, Chopper quickly rolled out of the room, zooming fast to the cockpit where Hera had been running a few diagnostic checks for the Ghost so she'd be ready for the next mission they went on. I'm sorry Ezra. I will find Hera. Hera will fix you. Chopper thought as he sped into the cockpit.
"Wurba! Wurba! Wurb barb burp!" Chopper cried as he found the Twi'lek. Translation: Hera! Hera! I kriffed up!
"Chopper? What's wrong?" Hera asked, frowning as she turned away from the console she was currently working on.
"Wur bar wurb burb." Chopper warbled, his tone as serious and concerned as the little droid possibly could be. Translation: I broke Ezra.
"What!?" Hera cried, her eyes going wide with fear as she jumped out of her seat. "Show me." she demanded, quickly following after the droid as he headed back for the room he'd left Ezra in.
Hera will fix him. Hera is good at fixing things. the droid thought as he raced down the hall. At least, he certainly hoped she could, or else he'd power himself down permanently for breaking the boy.
Ezra was finally starting to find himself again after the meditation session with Kanan and Ahsoka. Confronting his fear had really been the first step he needed to take towards healing, and that first night of sleep had been proof. After that, the meditation sessions had become a regular thing, though it was usually just with Kanan. Ahsoka came to join them when she could, wanting to help as much as possible, but there was still a rebellion to run, and she played a pretty important part as Fulcrum. Ezra understood, and so did Kanan. She'd helped them take the first step, now the two of them could work on the rest together. The rest of the crew helped by encouraging Ezra on the days when he'd slide back, frustrated by either a nightmare or being triggered simply because he'd allowed his mind to wander a bit too far.
Rex was there too, in fact their talks had become a regular part of Ezra's therapy. Usually they'd happen before he went to meditate with Kanan, but on the days when Ezra struggled extra hard, Kanan would give him and Rex extra time together, the old clone reminding Ezra that he wasn't alone in this, telling him stories about the Clone Wars and how he'd survived his own nightmares by relying on his brothers. Each day, Ezra found another piece of himself he'd felt had been lost, gradually rejoining the crew in their downtime. He still wasn't ready to go on another mission, but he could listen as they discussed what had been going on while he was out of the fight, and he'd rejoined them for mealtimes again, even on the bad days. They'd drag him out of hiding if they had to, no longer taking "no" or "I'm not hungry" for an answer when Ezra tried to be alone.
As Ezra had grown more confident, the meditation sessions became easier and easier. Then came the day where he asked Kanan to allow him to do it by himself. Kanan had been reluctant to allow it, worried about Ezra pushing himself too far, but Ezra had felt certain that was the next step he needed to take. He reminded Kanan that the man needed to be able to go on missions again anyways, and that he wouldn't be able to get better if he stayed in the same place. Finally Kanan had agreed, though he had stayed in the room, ready to pull Ezra out should he find himself trapped. Ezra had agreed to that and gone into the meditative trance, shutting out everything else. It had been intense, and Ezra had barely made it through, but Kanan had been right there when he'd violently ripped himself out of the trance, gasping and shaking. Still, Ezra had felt a bit better, and so he'd continued to work on it, until he'd grown comfortable meditating without Kanan in the room at all.
He was just starting one of his meditation sessions when things had gone horribly wrong. The day had been one of Ezra's more anxious ones, as Kanan, Zeb, and Sabine had all been asked to help on a mission for the rebellion, and would be gone for at least one cycle, maybe two. The thought of his master not returning that evening had him worried, but Kanan had reassured him that he'd be back faster than it would take to notice he was missing. Still, Ezra was nervous. Thankfully Rex was around, and they'd had another one of their long talks while Hera worked on making sure the systems of the Ghost were in full running order. Ezra was improving after all, which meant that hopefully soon they could all get back to taking missions on as a team, even if it was just a supply run.
After Rex had left, Ezra had gone to Kanan's room to meditate. He still hadn't rejoined Zeb in their shared cabin, and he couldn't bring himself to enter even when the lasat was off on missions, the memory of what he'd done to his friend still something he wasn't quite ready to face. Sitting in the center of the room, he'd taken several deep breaths, taking himself back to that place so he could confront Officer Kriffhead and that stupid interrogation droid. Just as he connected with the Force, however, there was a sudden shock to his system, the pain causing him to cry out and flail backwards. \
"Ready for another round, boy?" a voice hissed, and Ezra froze, fear filling him as a vision of the officer who'd tormented him filled the room.
"No! No no no no no no!" Ezra cried, scrambling backwards until his back hit a wall. "Y-you're not real! You're not real!"
"Oh? Are you so sure about that?" The officer whispered, that awful grin filling his face.
Ezra's breaths were coming in pants, his body trembling. He's not real! He's not real! He can't hurt me! He...he can't....it's not real! he told himself, but still the image remained. Wrenching his eyes closed, he buried his head in his arms, tears spilling from his eyes. "No no no no no no. Please. Go away. Go away!" he begged, desperate to free himself. But all he could hear was the officer's laugh as he begged the man to disappear, could hear his footsteps coming closer and closer.
"You thought you could be rid of me, did you?"
"No! You're not real! You're not real!" Ezra whimpered, curling in on himself as tightly as he could. "Get out of my head! Go away! Kanan! Kanan, help me!" he sobbed, forgetting that his master wasn't on the ship, that he was several parsecs away and probably didn't even realize Ezra was once again trapped in his own mind.
Again the officer laughed. "There's no one here to help you now. You are alone." he hissed.
"No! No it's not true!" Ezra cried out. "Help me, please. Somebody help me." he begged.
"Give up boy, nobody's coming to save you. You're not worth anything to that rebellion of yours. You are all alone." The officer snarled out, laughing once more. "Now, shall we have some more fun?" he asked, the sound of electricity ringing in Ezra's ears, threatening another round of painful zaps.
"NO! No no no no no no no! Get away! Get away!" Ezra screamed, shaking his head, still refusing to open his eyes. Kanan! Kanan, help me! Somebody help me! Help, I can't do this! Please!
"Ezra! Ezra, it's okay. I'm here." a new voice called out, this one safe, loving, and kind. He knew that voice. Where did he know that voice?
"Mom?"
Hera had never felt more useless in her life than in that month following Ezra's capture and return from the Empire. Despite how hard she and the rest of the crew tried, Ezra had continued to deteriorate, and each day her hope of helping him died more and more, though she tried not to let it show. The amount of relief she'd felt when Kanan and Ahsoka had finally managed to make a breakthrough in Ezra's mental state was unexplainable, nor was the joy she'd felt that first time he'd asked to rejoin them at mealtime. Still, she felt guilty as Kanan and Rex seemed to be the only two able to truly help Ezra. She did what she could, offering encouragement on his bad days and making sure he still ate something, but she knew that the kind of help Ezra needed was beyond what she could provide. She was fine with that, as long as Ezra continued to get better. All that mattered was the boy would be okay.
Still, when Kanan took that first mission she couldn't help feeling anxious herself. She tried to hide it, but Kanan had noticed, as he always seemed to whenever she was worried. "Don't worry Hera, Ezra will be just fine. It's like I told him, I'll be back before you can even miss me." the jedi had reassured her, placing a hand on her shoulder and giving his signature grin. "Besides, he's got you, and Rex will be around too. I wouldn't go on this mission if I wasn't sure everything would be okay, Hera." he promised her. Hera had finally nodded reluctantly, though there wasn't much choice. They'd agreed to help this rebellion, and Ezra had been improving. They had to rejoin the fight sometime, better to start now so they could stay sharp enough to pull the weight when Ezra was finally ready to rejoin the fight himself.
A few hours after Kanan left, Ezra had called Rex in for one of their chats. Hera had been worried about how anxious the boy had seemed, but he'd relaxed a great deal when Rex had shown up, and she'd felt comfortable leaving the two of them to talk while she worked on making sure the Ghost's systems were all in perfect running order. They'd been sticking with the Liberator while Ezra had been recovering, so the Ghost hadn't done much travelling or seen a battle since the rescue mission two months ago, but it never hurt to be sure.
She was in the middle of checking out the hyperdrive systems when Chopper suddenly came rushing into the room, crying out her name in panicked warbles and claiming he'd kriffed something up. "Chopper? What's wrong?" she'd asked, concerned and confused. Then he'd claimed he "broke Ezra", and her eyes had gone wide, her worry multiplying by a million. "Show me." She demanded, jumping out of her seat and chasing her murder bot down the hall. She heard Ezra crying out before she'd even reached the room, and her heart broke as she saw the boy curled up into a tight ball, sobbing and begging for help. "Oh, Ezra." she whispered, her hands flying up to cover her mouth in worry. What do I do? she thought.
"NO! No no no no no no no! Get away! Get away!" Ezra screamed, violently shaking his head, tears streaming down his cheeks and eyes wrenched tightly shut. Something inside her screamed to move, to answer the pleas for help she'd heard as she'd headed down the hallway, and suddenly she moved.
"Ezra! Ezra, it's okay. I'm here." Hera called, quickly rushing to his side and kneeling down. I'm here darling, I'm right here. she thought, reaching out, hoping her voice would be enough.
Ezra's eyes suddenly shot open, fear and hope both filling them as he looked up at her. "Mom?" he whimpered out questioningly.
"I'm here, ma sareen. I'm here." Hera whispered without hesitation, reaching out and cupping his cheek with one hand, gently wiping at his tears with her thumb. "It's okay my darling, I'm right here."
"Mom, I'm scared. Help me." Ezra whimpered again, a hand reaching out desperately for her, gripping onto the sleeve of her shirt. Hera responded immediately, wrapping her arms around him and pulling him in close, allowing him to bury his head against her chest as she gently brushed a hand through his hair.
"Shh, shhh ma sareen. It's okay. You're safe, I promise." she shushed, pressing a gentle kiss to the top of his head as she began to softly hum a song her mother used to sing to her when she was little. Ezra continued to cry for a bit, holding onto Hera while she gently rocked him back and forth, whispering soothingly to him as he slowly began to calm down. Finally, she heard the boy take in a deep breath, letting out a few more sniffles before he slowly began to relax again. Still she held him, not quite ready to let go. "Ezra? Hon?" she whispered as he began to shift slightly.
"Hera." he whispered back, his grip on her tightening slightly. "I'm sorry. I got lost again."
"It's okay darling." she breathed out, gently kissing him on the head once more. Chopper slowly approached at this point, questioningly warbling in worry. "It's okay Chop, he's back now." Hera told the concerned little droid. She wasn't happy with him for scaring Ezra, but she knew whatever he'd done hadn't been on purpose. Chop loved Ezra as much as the rest of them did after all. Chopper warbled in relief, reaching out a hand to gently pat Ezra on the back as he warbled more soft apologies and promises to stop playing with zaps. They sat together in silence for a moment, Ezra keeping a grip on Hera, who kept a tight grip back. At last Ezra spoke again, his voice filled with exhaustion and relief.
"You found me." Ezra whispered hoarsely, "Thank you."
"Of course I did, my darling." Hera whispered back, pressing her face against the top of his head, her grip on him tightening. I love you so much, my darling boy. I will always find you. She thought as she held him. Unbeknownst to her, Ezra heard her thoughts clearly, bringing a small smile to his face as they sat there holding each other.
Later that evening, Kanan raced back onto the Ghost, having sped through his mission report after returning with Zeb and Sabine. He'd sensed a disturbance in the Force while he was on the mission, and he just knew it had something to do with Ezra. Racing onto the Ghost, he was surprised to find it seemingly empty. "Hera? Ezra?" he called out, slightly out of breath from the near sprint he'd taken through the Liberator. Where the heck are they? he wondered, unable to let go of the fear that had settled in his gut until he could confirm for himself they were okay.
Turning to head down the hall, he noticed Chopper standing guard outside of Hera's cabin. "Chop? Where's -" he started, then stopped, raising an eyebrow as he sensed his padawan's presence. Walking over and opening the door, a small smile filled his face at the sight that greeted him. Hera and Ezra were both sound asleep, Hera's arms wrapped around Ezra as the child curled into her side, his breathing slow and even, deep into a peaceful sleep. Softly he approached the two of them, crouching down to get a good look at their faces. "I told you you'd be alright." he whispered softly, affectionately brushing a hand across Hera's cheek.
The twi'lek murmured softly in her sleep, adjusting slightly. The movement disturbed the sleeping teen beside her, who let out a grunt and snuggled closer. Hera's arms tightened around him in response. Kanan smiled once more, leaning over to kiss Hera on the top of the head and gently brushing a hand through Ezra's hair before leaving the room. He'd just needed to see for himself that they were okay, though he'd never really had a doubt they would be.
After all, there's no place their child could go that a mother's love can't reach.
Notes:
Holy cow that was hard to write, but once I started I couldn't stop! Hope you enjoyed this one! Let me know what you think!
Translation:
+Ma Sareen - "My sweet"
Snowy_Owl56 on Chapter 1 Sun 29 Jun 2025 11:07PM UTC
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