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When he had first made plans to meet with Felix at his apartment to talk, Chan had been positive that he would have been out on his ass thirty minutes later with the request to never contact the other man again. Being asked not only to stay, but to share a meal with his family was more than he could have ever hoped for.
An awkwardness remained to inhabiting Felix’s apartment, watching as he settled Hena in her high chair and fought to get a bib around her neck. She was squirming and chattering, sippy cup waving dangerously close to Felix’s face. Chan wanted to offer some type of help, but he had almost know idea where to even start.
As Felix disappeared back into the kitchen to collect their meals, Chan sat in the chair next to Hena, offering her his hand and bracelets to play with. She latched on quickly, bubbles popping between her lips and a continuous stream of babbling filling the air. He couldn’t stop the smile that spread across his face or the way his heart ached. The guilt would sit heavy in the back of his throat for the rest of his life knowing how much of Hena’s life he had missed.
“Are you ready for dinner, nae agi,” Felix crooned, walking around the table with hands full.
The toddler turned quickly towards her dad, smile bright and curls bouncing, though her grip remained steady on Chan’s arm. Plates of fruit were laid across the table followed by bowls of rice and some thin sliced meat. It was a simple spread by most standards, but Hena chattered excitedly at the sight.
With Felix moving towards the kitchen, Chan separated out small pieces of strawberry to place onto the toddler’s tray. The fruit was practically squished by the time her hand made it to her mouth, though it did not stop her from happily chomping on her fist. Chan cringed at the juice that dripped down her chin and hand. The bib at least prevented the mess from staining her clothes. He doubted red would wash easily out of her cream coloured outfit.
He was transferring some carefully selected blueberries to Hena’s tray when Felix returned with two glasses of water. He froze for a moment, taking in the sight. His unwavering gaze had Chan squirming in his seat, unsure if he had overstepped somehow.
After all, he was little more than Hena’s donor. What did he possibly know about helping Felix, much less feeding her?
“I’m sorry,” he stuttered. “I shouldn’t have assumed.”
“It’s okay, hyung. You didn’t do anything wrong,” Felix soothed, taking his place at the table and setting the glasses down. “I just….never thought I’d see such a scene in my home.”
Chan tried to stop the flinch that coursed through his body, his throat tightening as he looked down at his hands. He was going to suffocate on his guilt and self-hatred. The only thing that prevented him running again was the knowledge that, despite everything, Felix still wanted him around.
It would have been easier if Felix had just hated him. The younger man could have easily gone after Chan in court and ruined his life, created a scandal so large the company never would have been able to cover it up or explain it away.
Instead, Felix had welcomed him into his home. He had introduced him to their daughter and offered to share a meal at his table. It was more than Chan ever deserved.
“Ba!”
A small hand slammed down onto the tray and pulled Chan from his thoughts. His gaze returned to Hena, who stared at him expectantly. Her hands were juice stained, but empty. In his spiral, he had forgotten to refill her food.
Around the knot in his throat, he managed to choke out, “Sorry, little one. How about some peaches?”
Keeping his gaze low, Chan gathered a spoonful of the fruit before offering it to Hena. Chubby fingers wrapped around the handle, helping to guide the spoon into her awaiting mouth. Her cheeks rounded further as she chewed, her face bright with her glee.
She was so beautiful it hurt Chan’s soul. He could live for a thousand years and never understand how he had a part in creating such a blessing.
The pattern continued, with Chan alternating between fruits to offer Hena, eating bits of his own food with Felix’s prompting. When he tried to shift to the protein, he found himself at a loss. Hena continued to accept the food, but then proceeded to spit it out at the soonest opportunity. Felix was absolutely no help, simply smiling as he watched on.
After the fourth failed attempt, Felix finally took pity on him.
“It’s okay, right Hena-ya? Even Halmoni has a hard time convincing you to eat your protein.” Felix smiled, eyes crinkling and face lighting up. “How ‘bout we trade? I finished eating already.”
Chan handed the spoon over without objection - though Hena wasn’t afraid to voice her own - and quietly turned his attention to his plate. The mention of Felix’s mother, like most things, had spooked him. How would the Lees react to knowledge of his return? Surely there was animosity towards him for leaving Felix alone. He doubted they would approve of his return to Felix’s life beyond the offer of financial support.
And then there was his own family to consider.
Changbin and Jisung would be the first that he needed and wanted to tell about Hena. They would be his firmest support when it came to dealing with the company and any potential backlash for contract violations. Once they had a chance to process their shock, Chan had little doubt the pair would be ecstatic at the chance to spoil Hena for the rest of her life.
With his family back home in Australia, Chan couldn’t even imagine how they would react. Would his mother be furious? Or burst into tears? He feared the silent disappointment from his father. Lucas probably wouldn’t even care.
And Hannah.
Well Hannah would be obnoxiously excited about the concept of a niece that was named after her.
He couldn’t say he was looking forward to any of those conversations when his own head was a jumbled, knotted mess.
Wordlessly finishing his food, Chan watched Felix and Hena interact. They moved seamlessly around one another, barely a whine slipping past the toddler’s lips. His chest ached for such a familiarity with his little family.
“All set,” Felix sung, clapping his hands which Hena did her best to mimic. “Such a big girl! My big, big girl!”
Hena giggled, her face scrunching in a way that was all Felix.
The younger man moved to unlatch the bib around her neck, ignoring the mess across her hands and face. Chan jumped to help, gathering the dishes into a condensed pile, napkins and cutlery placed on top. He took the dirty tray from Felix’s hand when it detached from the chair. It was a quick trip to the kitchen to place everything either in the sink or besides it while Felix unhooked Hena from the seat.
It was a moment of indecision before Chan was rolling up the sleeves of his hoodie and turning the tap on. Growing up, his parents had always split the responsibilities of meals. One would cook and the other would clean. It was how they supported each other.
It was a tiny step, but Chan wanted to do the dishes for Felix.
Besides, he liked cleaning. It helped him to calm down, settled his thoughts which were so often racing. He would have cleaned the whole apartment for Felix if it wouldn’t have felt like such an invasion of privacy.
He startled, splashing water on the front of his hoodie, when Felix moved in the corner of his vision. Hena was perched on his hip, his own shoulder leaned on the door frame. They were both watching him with identical expressions.
“You don’t have to do that, hyung. I have a dishwasher,” Felix laughed sweetly.
Chan’s ears flushed as he looked at the counter space next to the sink, noticing the forementioned dishwasher beside him. He had completely missed it, too caught up in his own head.
“I…I just wanted to help,” he stuttered, wet hands hanging awkwardly over the sink.
Felix laughed again, but the kind smile never slipped from his face. “How about helping me give this one a bath? She’s a sticky mess.”
“Please,” Chan responded a little too quickly, causing Felix to laugh again.
Hena chirped excitedly, sticky, juice covered hands reaching for him. Drying his hands on a nearby towel, Chan crossed the small room to their side. Felix handed the toddler over with little thought, giggling at Chan’s fumbling hold. The small family moved easily through the apartment and into the brightness of the bathroom.
Felix knelt to prepare the water while Chan sacrificed his face to the sticky disaster that was his adorable daughter. Her hands landed on his jaw, his nose, his cheekbones, even his forehead. He would need his own bath by the time they were done.
Chan detached Hena from his neck to return her to Felix’s waiting arms. The younger man effortlessly stripped her and lowered her into the water. Chan waited for her to whine or fuss with the sudden temperature change, but she happily splashed around instead, water flying across the room.
”Careful, nae agi. You don’t want to soak Pops on his first night,” Felix crooned, hands cupped to pour water over the patches of skin that were still dry.
His shoulders stiffened a moment later, head stubbornly angled away from Chan. Not that Felix had to worry. He was frozen in place, mouth agape.
Felix had called him ‘pops’ just like Chan called his own dad. It had fell effortlessly from his mouth, as though it was a common thing for him to say to Hena. The tears were welling up in his eyes once more, but he sunk his teeth into his lower lip, refusing to let them fall. He could cry back at the dorm. Neither Felix or Hena needed to deal with his breakdown again.
So he let the moment slip past him and with every second that passed, Felix’s shoulders relaxed.
Bathtime continued in wonderful chaos, Hena nothing less than happy as she played amongst the bubbles in the water and Felix worked through her curls. Chan couldn’t say he was much help, but he did his best to fetch anything Felix needed. They worked as a team as best as they could manage until the toddler was clean, dried, and into a pair of soft pajamas.
The shift into Hena’s room knocked the air from his lungs. Her nursery beautifully and painfully reminded Chan of the night sky in Australia, constellations scattered across the walls. Felix had managed a perfect mix of new and nostalgic, every inch of it feeling like home. He could picture growing up in a room like Hena’s or soothing her to sleep from the rocking chair in the corner.
Settling on the floor, Felix worked diligently through her curls in the low light of the nursery, applying curl cream and leave-in conditioner. Chan sat on the floor before them, singing a bastardized version of ‘Hoodie Season’ for the pair. His voice seemed to have Hena captivated, big brown eyes glued onto him as she smiled and babbled.
That joy was enough to have him already writing dozens of songs for her. He’d start a solo career just to give Hena her own album.
Not yet, though.
Chan wanted to keep her and Felix to himself and away from the world for a bit longer.
Felix finished caring for her curls as Chan lowered his voice to a hum, halfway through ‘For You.’ Hena’s big, brown eyes were beginning to droop, chubby fists rubbing clumsily at her eyes.
“Time for sleep, my love,” Felix crooned as he lifted her drowsy form from the floor.
She whined against his shoulder, rubbing her face on his shirt. The pair made such a sweet image, Chan’s heart ached with it. Felix met his eyes, smiling softly. Hefting Hena once more, he handed the toddler to Chan. She went easily enough, though it did not stop the noises of complaint.
Chan swooped down to rub his nose along her hairline and place gentle kisses in her hair. Her hands fisted in his hoodie and before he knew it, he had begun to sway her gently.
“Sweet dreams, little one,” his voice was barely a whisper, words only for Hena to hear. “Pops loves you.”
Reluctantly, he returned his daughter to Felix’s waiting arms. A yawn so wide it should have cracked her jaw overtook Hena’s face as Felix lowered her into the crib. His feet almost came off the ground with how far he leaned over the railing. Chan bit back a giggle.
Another quiet good night was issued before Felix was ushering Chan from the room, dimming the lights until only a galaxy upon the ceiling remained.
Awkwardness thickened in the air between them once they returned to the living room, Chan struggling to meet Felix’s gaze. He had been given a glimpse of paradise and was unsure what more the other would be willing to offer. What he could ask for. Perhaps it would be best to bow out early and make the situation easier on Felix. As much as the thought of leaving made his heart pulse painfully in his chest.
“I can…”
”You should stay,” Felix interrupted, though his cheeks quickly flushed and his gaze lowered. “If you want, I mean.”
Chan stared at him, the breath feeling as though it were trapped in his throat. “Is that okay?”
Felix’s hand came up to toy with the ends of his hair, teeth sinking into his lower lip. Chan struggled to tell if it was from nerves or discomfort. He had fallen out of practice with reading Felix’s expressions. He had broken their familiarity.
“Please? I’m still kinda scared this is all a dream and you won’t be here when I wake up,” he murmured, voice so quiet Chan almost didn’t hear it.
Without thought, Chan surged forward to wrap Felix in his embrace. Small hands twisted into the fabric of his hoodie, his shoulders trembling and a wet spot accumulating near his shoulder. It became exceedingly difficult to not hate himself when he had Felix’s grief and pain directly in front of him.
He never should have lashed out at the younger man or threatened him with an NDA; it had been too cruel, especially towards the man he loved. Chan knew in that moment he would have traded anything to take away Felix’s pain.
He curled himself tighter around Felix’s shaking frame, tucking his head beneath his chin and swaying them gently. Chan spoke quiet apologies repeatedly, needing to show his remorse without a requirement of forgiveness. For each word that tumbled from his mouth, a sob joined it. Minutes passed with nothing else.
There was no rush or need to move, Chan was willing to hold Felix in his arms for as long as the other deemed it necessary.
Slowly, almost reluctantly, Felix tilted his head back first then his body, hands loosening their hold on Chan’s hoodie. He followed Felix’s example, letting his arms unwind, but Chan’s fingers remained light on his shoulders.
“Sorry,” the younger man whispered, voice hoarse from his sobs.
“Baby,” Chan cooed without thought. “You have nothing to apologize for. There are so many tears that I missed, and just as many that I caused. Allow me to hold you if that’s what you want.”
It was a wobbly, wet smile that he received in return, but it still held all the brightness of the sun. And how Chan had missed being able to bask in the light of the sun in the last two years. It was a blessing that he would never take for granted again.
A small wrapped around his wrist, Felix stepping back from Chan’s embrace to move him further into the apartment. He wanted to question Felix, check that it was really alright for him to share a bed once more. Yet he looked so determined as he led them, Chan couldn’t push the words from his tongue.
That didn’t stop the panic from welling in his chest as they entered the bedroom and Chan got his first look at the bed. It looked as soft as he remembered, filled with extra blankets and pillows like a fuzzy nest. He had used to sigh as he sunk into its warmth, struggling to pull himself back to the real world. One more thing to add to the endless list of things he had missed.
“Felix, is this what you want? Not just sharing the bed, but,” he paused, desperately looking for the right words. “A relationship, one that is more than what we had before.”
Felix froze besides his dresser, an oversized shirt loose in his hands. Looking back over his shoulder, something in Chan’s face must have prompted him into action because he discarded the clothes to stride across the room. His arms came around Chan’s neck and pulled the man down into a fierce hug.
“I don’t have any solid answers for you tonight, but I know that I don’t want to be without you, to raise Hena alone again,” Felix stated, desperation clear in his words.
“Alright, baby,” Chan conceded, squeezing Felix against his chest. “We’ll figure it out together. But first, let me text the boys before they send the managers on a manhunt and then we’ll sleep.”
They squeezed each other once more, Felix’s cheek nuzzled against jaw, before they separated to prepare for bed. Chan turned his back to offer Felix some privacy while he pulled his phone out and sent a reassuring, but vague text to the group chat. He locked the screen before the dyad could drag him into an endless conversation. The phone settled easily on the nightstand closest to him, but his own clothes gave him pause.
He had nothing to sleep in and they had learned years ago that Felix’s clothes simply didn’t fit him right. In most situations - whether at home or previously with Felix - he would have slept in only boxers or nothing. Now though, Chan wasn’t sure if that would be alright.
“Just take your clothes off, Chris,” Felix laughed at his back. “I’ve seen you naked plenty of times before.”
Chan stupidly flushed under the attention, but it wasn’t like Felix was wrong. Even the fans and the industry knew about his lack of affinity for clothing. So with little thought, he stripped down to just his underwear and quickly slipped under the blankets.
Felix took another moment to join him, finishing up a simplified skin care routine and braiding his hair away from his face. When he entered the bed, he waited for no invitation - it was his bed after all - and squirmed his way into Chan’s hold.
It was as though a weight had been lifted from his heart to hold Felix once more in the silence of the night and the comfort of his bed. Truly a blessing he did not deserve. But one he refused to squander.
Chan turned to plant a soft kiss against his hairline and then another upon his temple. Over his eyebrow. Across the bridge of his nose to the swell of his freckled cheeks.
Felix tilted his chin in response, offering a gift Chan did not know how to refuse.
It was a soft, barely there kiss that fell upon Felix’s lips. But it felt like lightning coursing through his veins and raising the hair across his body. Felix chased after the sensation, not deepening the kiss, but returning it with greater presence.
They continued in such a fashion until the kisses became slow, lazy, with barely any pressure left. Sleep was calling for them. A siren song stronger than either knew how to resist. Yet Chan did not want to lose sight of Felix.
His arms wrapped tighter around the smaller man until he had enough leverage to pull him against his chest. Felix easily snuggled in, arm through across his ribs and leg tangled between his own. The additional body heat would leave him sweating during the night, but it was worth every second of discomfort.
“Sleep, love,” Felix slurred, halfway into the realm of dreams. “We have time.”
Chan gave a gentle hum, curling closer. “Forever.”