Frantic Fanfic Fuckups

by Hbombmcfancypants

Summary:

A series of horrid abominations cooked up by your local dweebs and dumped steaming hot directly in your lap :)

About 5% of this can be taken seriously. Please do not look for anything other than quality shitposting.

Chapter 1: Who Was It?

TITLE: Who Was It?
FEATURING THE CHARACTERS: shadow the hedgehog, dennis
WRITERS: fiasco, dustin :), soupy
RATED ALL AGES

 

Shadow the Hedgehog entered the giant bus, ready to ride to the end of the line to Scarlet Hollow where his cousin Tabitha Scarlet would welcome him home to the funeral of a family he knows he should not have because he is a hedgehog mad

He sits in his seat, looking over to see
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...just. Some guy. Who keeps talking to him.
Shadow sneers at him. "I should have just ran the distance. Now I'm stuck sitting next to this schmuck."
"Hey, come on now!" Dennis laughs. "It's not so bad, let me tell you a fun story-"
"If you don't shut up," Shadow pulls out a gun, "I'm going to shoot your stupid face off."
"Oh! That reminds me of this time with my girl-"
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"SILENCE. Bus Denizen." Shadow proclaimed. The wet man in question gasped. "How did You almost know my name?!? Shadow the hedgehog, will you marry me?" "Okay" said shadow. Guess who the ring bearer was

Chapter 2: SMELLY SCARLET

TITLE: SMELLY SCARLET
FEATURING THE CHARACTERS: tabitha, kaneeka forsyth
WRITERS: bean, soupy, seeker
RATED 18+

 

Kaneeka approached Tabitha Scarlet, who stood there. Sexily.
"Tabitha Scarlet. More like. SMELLY SCARLET"
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"Shut up and get on my dick" scowled the hot dog water blonde. Kaneeka pulled out her uno reverse card and made Tabitha get on HER dick instead. And then she was pregnant. The baby?
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The baby looked, rather than like the two of them had a child, a horrific otherworldly entity that painfully transformed from a clone of Tabitha to a clone of Kaneeka and back as it moved. Such is the nature of a child born of the purest hatred between two individuals. They didn't regret the sex tho

Chapter 3: The rapture

TITLE: The rapture
FEATURING THE CHARACTERS: beese, the alpacas
WRITERS: dustin :), seeker, fiasco
RATED ALL AGES

 

"SATAN!!! SATAN HAS ARISEN!!! IT'S THE ALPACA-LYPSE!!!"
The confused, stalwart Beese hovers at the edge of the farm.
"What...?"
"RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!!"
--------------------
Beese was used to animals behaving strangely around him, but he wasn't sure why. He was always nice to them and only occasionally ate them alive! Ingrates.
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The alpacas created a death spiral around the monster, circling endlessly until the center heated up enough to roast the creature alive.

“Jesus Christ dies for your SINS, Beese,” the alpacas screamed because Reese was a non Catholic heathen.

“One more won’t hurt,” Beese roared before tearing all of them to shreds.

Chapter 4: Calamari

TITLE: Calamari
FEATURING THE CHARACTERS: avery, quirrel
WRITERS: soupy, fiasco, bean
RATED 18+

 

"So Avery" Quirrel began. "What do You think of tentacles?". Avery chuckled hotly. "I can't say I have much experience with them. But I'm never one
--------------------
to back down from another life-altering bond born from shared trauma.”

Quarrel took Avery to the airplane bathroom and got absolutely freaky, wet, and wild with it, pulling out
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His nail, that could summon tentacles and butt fucked Avery with the tentacles. It was pretty good, ngl.
Afterwards, while they left the bathroom. Avery broke up with Quirrel. On the plane.

Chapter 5: Snitches and talkers get stitches and walkers (by fall out b

TITLE: Snitches and talkers get stitches and walkers (by fall out b
FEATURING THE CHARACTERS: reese kelly, edward cullen
WRITERS: seeker, bean, dustin :)
RATED 18+

 

Reese was lying on the morgue slab, "practicing" being a corpse. He knew his illness would take him one day, and nothing could save him short of becoming an immortal vampire, and vampires aren't r
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eal
Until Edward Cullen approached him, popping out of one of the freezers idk what they're called.
"I am vampire" He said, then french kissed Reese. Sexily.
--------------------
Edwards ice-cold hands ran down Reese's nude form. Reese shivers, because it's fucking cold. "Edward... Turn me," he begs and then gets fucking bited. Reese turns into Beese as Edward tries to vampireize him and now he's Vambeese. Vampbeese? Beesire? Ed doesn't care and they FUCK

Chapter 6: Emotional Support Opossum

TITLE: Emotional Support Opossum
FEATURING THE CHARACTERS: reese kelly, dustin
WRITERS: fiasco, dustin :), soupy
RATED ALL AGES

 

Reese Kelly ran out into the cold, dark woods in the wake of killing his mother, bloodstained and beautiful and free. But he had just one problem once the adrenaline wore off, he was fucking miserable. And he was all alone out in the middle of nowh
--------------------
ere.
He huffs, pants, the cold air piercing his lungs, slowly shifting back into a form more familiar. It ached.
"...That... was.. something," he whispers to himself. "Who do I even begin to TALK to about this."
ASs
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Back at the clinic, Dustin appeared to give The Doctor some much needed parenting advice. "You can't take responsibility for your son's actions, Joan, you need to worry more about yourself." "Who are you and why are you talking you fucking freak" said joan

Chapter 7: And we'll call him... 'Seese'

TITLE: and we'll call him... 'seese'
FEATURING THE CHARACTERS: dr kelly, sans undertale
WRITERS: dustin :), bean, fiasco
RATED 18+

 

Doctor Joan Kelly awakens in a bed of grass. She clutches her head, dazed and confused. "Ugh... Where...?" She begins to think this is another one of her 'romantic' dreams she's been having lately, when a strange voice comes from the darknes
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"Did you vote me in the tumblr sexyman poll?" Joan startles, staring at the skeleton next to her.
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She remained still for a moment, taking in this trash fire of a sleep paralysis demon haunting her dreams.

“You’ll do,” she said, “ I’ve been meaning to try for another kid after mine went up in flames.”

Sans was about to show her a bad time.

Chapter 8: oSCAR BEATS THE SHIT OUT OF CHAD

TITLE: oSCAR BEATS THE SHIT OUT OF CHAD
FEATURING THE CHARACTERS: oscar, bus guy
WRITERS: bean, seeker, dustin :)
RATED ALL AGES

 

Oscar watches at the bus screeches to a halt in front of him, expecting his daughter to come back summer school
Instead it was,,, Bus guy....
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"I'm sorry, Oscar. I pushed your daughter into the harbor. She wanted you to have this." The stranger pulls out a dripping sack of peanuts.) "I'm so sorry for your loss
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"...You. Pushed my daughter into the harbor?" He definitely thought she was at home. "You... you BASTARD!"
Oscar, taller and twice as wide, decks bus guy in the face, sending greasy peanuts everywhere. The unkempt man lands in the asphalt, groaning.
A ghostly, familiar voice comes from the heavens. "Thanks for that dad..."
"Rosalina..."

Chapter 9: The music or the misery (by fall out boy)

TITLE: The music or the misery (by fall out boy)
FEATURING THE CHARACTERS: duke, reese
WRITERS: seeker, soupy, bean
RATED 18+

 

Reese was looking for prey out in the wild, he saw a chicken. Duke shouted "hey get away from her!" Reese's pussy was wet with excitement.
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He ate the chicken in one wet "gulp", so Duke shot him in the fucking face. Reese sighed and went "just another day in florida." Before sadly walking away.
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As Reese walked away though Duke suddenly realized he had the hots for Reese. Real bad. Like really bad. So he shot Reese again, to get his attention of course.
"Hey sexy mama" Duke calls out to the hot twink.

Chapter 10: Wom (wayneXyourmom)

TITLE: Wom (wayneXyourmom)
FEATURING THE CHARACTERS: your mom, lol, wayne
WRITERS: soupy, fiasco, seeker
RATED 18+

 

At the end of it all, there was only The rotting corpse, and Wayne. "Y/N mom, your body is outrageous" wayne said hornily. "Auughh" said
--------------------
Y/n mom, whose body had been reanimated through the power of the darks arts in the Scarlet Estate basement. She couldn’t contain her lust anymore, Wayne was standing there. Menacingly. The sexiest way
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they share a knowing look and Wayne immediately drops his pants and the two start scissoring in Y/N's bed. Y/N wouldn't approve, but who has to know. they orgasm 12 times and live happily ever after.

Chapter 11: Spilling the Beans on Youtube

TITLE: Spilling the Beans on Youtube
FEATURING THE CHARACTERS: stella, bean
WRITERS: fiasco, caldwell, soupy
RATED ALL AGES

 

"Okay, so, this footage of the poolside swamp monsters I have will-"

"Stella, Stella, Stella hush I need to show you this new crop of OcS
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"Wha-?" She blinks. "Bean, I would LOVE to see your new OCs!"
"Hell yeah fuck yeah so this one is really cool and tragic-"
"*All* of your OCs are cool and tragic, Bean." Stella continues to click through editing her footage, trying to pay attention to her friend at the same time. She accidentally deletes the video. "FUUUUUUUUUUUCK!" she screams, makingg Bean jump
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"It's okay Stella, you can just make a video essay on all my awesome characters." Said Bean helpfully.

Stella proceeded to post a 10 hour long video of extensive Bean Lore, securing that MeatRice Sponser :)

Chapter 12: Pumpkin Spice

TITLE: Pumpkin spice
FEATURING THE CHARACTERS: stella with a huge cock, caldwell
WRITERS: soupy, bean, caldwell
RATED ALL AGES

 

"So my friend Stella, see any cryptids lately" Caldwell asked
"Only THIS ONE" Replied Stella with a
--------------------
huge cock. She pulled out her phone, showing it the picture of this HUUUUGE chicken she saw at Duke's farm the other day. It was like Big Betty, but a chicken instead of a pumpkin.
--------------------
it now stares at the words on the screen before it. Caldwell is in utter amazement.
"Guys. You guys. What the *actual* fuck is wrong with you."
"We thought you loved girls with huge cocks?" Says the group.
"I mean. Sure. But Stella... isn't my type. Sorry, Stella."
"It's ok," she says from the computer.

Chapter 13

TITLE: Cliffhanger
FEATURING THE CHARACTERS: a pack of gay wolves, avery
WRITERS: caldwell, fiasco, bean
RATED ALL AGES

 

How does someone even come *upon* a pack of gay wolves? However that happens, Avery Belle has somehow done it. They're standing, surrounded by them. They inch nearer to them, and they swallow a nervous lump in their throat.
"S-so, I'm going to be eaten by a pack of gay wolves. That certainly wasn't on my bingo board of death..."
--------------------
One of the wolves then stood on their hind legs, their tail swaying all sexy like in the breeze that technically shouldn't exist because they're deep in the forest where there is no wind.

"Look, Avery," the wolf started, voice husky like dark chocolate fudge... Or something. "We have a
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problem..." The wolf walked around them, eyeing Avery hungrily.
Then

Chapter 14: When love comes-a-knocking

TITLE: When love comes-a-knocking
FEATURING THE CHARACTERS: joan kelly, voice of smitten (stp)
WRITERS: bean, soupy, fiasco
RATED ALL AGES

 

Joan startled as the door to the clinic was slammed open, someone standing at the door. He was tal
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l and birdlike. "I'm not a vetrinarian." Said Joan, slamming the door in his beak.

"BUT MY DARLING JOAN, MY LOVE FOR YOU BURNS LIKE YOUR SON."
--------------------
Joan ran to the safe room to grab her tranquilizer gun and her normal gun

The bird man tore after her like an entity possessed, cawing about how responsible he could be as a stepparent to their burning son.

Joan shot him dead where he stood. Terminator style.

Chapter 15: I 💥 You

TITLE: I 💥 You
FEATURING THE CHARACTERS: doom guy, reese kelly
WRITERS: fiasco, caldwell, soupy
RATED 18+

 

"DOOM GUY, we have to mow through these demons to explode Discord!!" Reese screeched as he went Beese Mode.

Doom Guy loaded his big fucking guns and the two of them set off shooting and eating demons roge
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Doom Guy gets a reeaaaaallllly good look at Reese as he rips and tears into some code. Doom Guy doesn't speak, so I'll translate his thoughts into text: "Hmm. That guy looks suspiciously demon-like. I should shoot him."
Reese can hear thoughts now so the standoff is on. The sun is at high noon. Bits of code (hyuck) lay in terror around them...
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"It's morbin time." Says Beese.

Doom guy gunned his cock and set it to Explosion mode. They charged each other (sexually).

"WAIIIT EVERYONE!!!" Shouted a voice.

Out of the saloon came: Shadow the Hedgehog?

Chapter 16: Through the fire & flames

TITLE: Through the fire & flames
FEATURING THE CHARACTERS: explosions, reese but 6 inches tall
WRITERS: caldwell, soupy, fiasco
RATED ALL AGES

 

Reese Middlename Kelly is 6 inches tall, and you have a stick of dynamite. You weigh your options. Do you strap him to the stick? Do you throw it at him? Do you make him attempt to eat the stick? You have so many possibilities lain before you b ut you know one thing: You must blow up Reese Kelly.
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"I'm sorry Reese." Y/N says, trembling explosively. "You've taken over my life, I need it back. The only way is for me to blow you up."

Reese sighed an
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overwhelmingly defeated sigh, he was no match for the amazing powers of Explosion!!!

Suddenly, Typhlosion entered the ring, fire bursting from its back. It ate all the fucking dynamite including the one Reese was strapped to and he died instantly.

Chapter 17

TITLE: Introspection?
FEATURING THE CHARACTERS: dr. gerald robotnik, fiasco
WRITERS: soupy, fiasco, caldwell
RATED 18+

 

"AND NOW I WILL DESTROY ALL OF MISTERIA!!!" Proclaimed the Dr.

"Not if I have anything to say about that, and I do!"

Fiasco then exploded Dr Robotnik with their MIND
--------------------
But their powers were not strong enough!!! Gerald got back up on his feet completely fine save for missing both of his arms.

"The only thing weak to your explosions is DISCORD ITSELF!!" Gerald screamed as he started spamming the chat with explosion
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gifs. Thankfully, Fiasco is on the other side of the screen. Much like a certain someone, the computer starts to wonk out. And soon, the computer is exploding! Oh no! Docktor Robotenoick Has Won Again. Now time for sonic. that little blue bastard has had it TOO GOOD for TOO LONG

i still have like thirty seconds left so i'm just gonna type whatever here. how is eveyrone tonight? having fun? i have eaten a fuckload of fries :)

Chapter 18: Date Night 🌹

TITLE: Date Night 🌹
FEATURING THE CHARACTERS: caldwell, a pack of straight wolves
WRITERS: fiasco, caldwell, soupy
RATED 18+

Caldwell actually hated its fucking life right now. After Avery had the best night ever with a pack of gay wolves, they told it to venture forth into the woods for its own night of fun if it so desired.

But the gay wolves had wandered away to greener pastures, leaving these loser STRAIGHT W
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OLVES!!!
"Christ," it mutters to itself. "Maybe they like cards? Do y'all like cards?"
"Ugh, are you going to show us your *gay card*?" One of them taunted.
"Yeah, you stupid fag, we ain't wanna see none of that!"
"I hate the woods and everything in it." Caldwell pulls out its flamethrower, which it totally has, and starts flamin'.
--------------------
"AGHHHH NOOO" Screamed the wolves in heteronormative agony. Caldwell laughed manically in the wake of their boring ashes.

"Hey babe. That was real hot." Said Avery

"Omg Avery~ wanna make out."

Then they did :)

Chapter 19: Flimbo vs the universe

TITLE: Flimbo vs the universe
FEATURING THE CHARACTERS: discord, flimbo
WRITERS: soupy, bean, caldwell
RATED 18+

 

"I can't wait for another day of working normally and letting people talk to their frends." Smiled Discord.

"Discord! I love discord!" Then Flimbo tore a hole in thw fabric
--------------------
of reality.

As reality opens up it reveals itself to Discord: One Nonillion gifs of exploding Caster. Terror.
--------------------
Flimbo grins (?) widly with their numberous amount of teeth. All kinds of teeth. "Yes... Yessssss," the words literally drip out of their mouth and squirm along the floor beneath their writhing form.
"Chaos..... my true calling... IT'S FLIMBO TIME!!!!" They tear open their chest (?) and dive in head first to the swarm of explosions. Everyone's computer all over the world recieved a giant SPLAT gif as part of Flimbo became entwined with their hardware and software and then everyone died. The end!

Chapter 20: The power of love saves us all

TITLE: The power of love saves us all
FEATURING THE CHARACTERS: link, caster
WRITERS: caldwell, fiasco, bean
RATED ALL AGES

 

"What the heck? Is that Link Legend of Zelda?!" Caster shouts, afraid, trembling behind DKDL's legs.
"I think it is, Caster. I can't help you here." DKDL disappears and Link charges at them with a sword.
The hero in green shouts "HYAAAAAA!" before bringing his sword down on the young Kiwi...
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But Link stopped, his sword inches away from cleaving Caster in twain.

He was going about this all wrong!

Link pulled out a nuke. The entire area went up in a mushroom cloud of smoke Oppenheimer would be impressed by.

Caster fucking died.
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And as Caster dies, other innocents are taken in the explosion. Like me, Bean, for example.

But DKDL is fine. Of course DKDL is fine why wouldn't she be? Her love for Doctor Kelly is too strong to nuke.

Chapter 21: Joanvian appearance!!!

TITLE: Joanvian appearance!!!
FEATURING THE CHARACTERS: sybil causing problems, crunchrwap supreme, no tomato
WRITERS: bean, soupy, fiasco
RATED ALL AGES

 

As Sybil Causing Problems Forsyth pulls out of the Taco Bell drive thru she realizes something horrifying.
Her Crunchwrap Supreme, that she ordered with no to
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matos did in fact, have tomatos
"I should complain about this to my best friends, Vivian and Joan."

Over at the clinic, Joan and Vivian were making out passionately in the exam r
--------------------
So Sybil was about to throw the disgusting Crunch wrap supreme on the ground when Pearlanne Scarlet sauntered out of the woods.

"I heard you wanted to talk shit, Sybil. I'll buy out that Taco Bell and shut it all down~"

"I'm fucking out of here" Sybil got onto a motorcycle and revved it, leaving Pearlanne dead as the dust cleared.

Chapter 22: These Date Nights Are Getting Out Of Hand

TITLE: These Date Nights Are Getting Out Of Hand
FEATURING THE CHARACTERS: caldwell, a really cool hat
WRITERS: fiasco, soupy, bean
RATED 18+

 

Caldwell eyed the sexy, Really Cool Hat from across the room, sitting on the bar counter like it wasn't the most delectable thing it had ever seen.

Caldwell slid in one frame of animation over to the Really Cool Hat that no one else gave a shit about, nearly sliding off the counter entirely as it has been coated in vegetable oil courtesy of Avery Belle.

Avery, the best wing person Caldwell has ever met. But they had been taken by a pack of gay wolves so the Really Cool Hat was second place I guess.

"Hey there good-lookin'"
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"Howdy stranger. You lookin for a wild ride tonight?"

"Yes, please." Caldwell took a lucious bite of the crispy hat, and immediately started tripping balls.

"Ogh fuck. Why am I in the desert now."

It wandered the dry desert, looking for a way back to its beloved Avery. Suddenly, in the distance, it spotted something strange.

Flimbo stood (?) On top of a great mountain, peering down at the high as shit Caldwell.

"YOU LOOK A LITTLE THIRSTY, MY FRIEND. TASTE MY LIQUIDS."

The cloudless sky suddenly swirled with grey goopy globs as Flimbo raised their hands (?) To the sky
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The liquids pour down in a torrential rainfall. The sky is filled with all kinds of liquids, such as water, blood, and other liquids I don't think I'm allowed to name. Totally not because I ran out of liquid ideas.

Caldwell is knocked to the ground by the heavy downpour, struggling to comprehend its surroundings as Flimbo basically beats it to death with rain. How exciting!

Avery is also there hiii Avery :3. They're not affected at all and help Caldwell up and then the two kiss or smth idk. Its really cool though.

Chapter 23: rather cross(over)

TITLE: rather cross(over)
FEATURING THE CHARACTERS: the narrator (stp), tabitha scarlet
WRITERS: caldwell, bean, fiasco
RATED ALL AGES

 

"You’re on a path in the woods, and at the end of that path, is a cabin."
"Uh, no, I'm pretty sure it's the Estate, dumbass," Tabitha snarks at the sudden voice that's appeared in her head. The voice continues on, disregarding her snide comment.
"And in the basement of that cabin, is a princess. You have to slay her. If you don't, it will be the end of the world."
"Buddy. I can see my-" Tabitha's words are cut off when she turns the bend, seeing instead of the formerly-opulent Scarlet Estate, a wood cabin sits in its place. There is no more cliff, there is no more grand blue sky and graveyard atop a mountain, there is only a cabin, the woods, and Tabitha Scarlet is standing on a path instead of sitting in her BMW.
She is utterly and horrendously confused.
"If only my cousin were here," she thinks. "They'd
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probably be able to hot us out of this mess. Like they did with that ghost one time."

Tabitha begrudgingly continues down the path, reaching in her back pocket for the shotgun she was going to cuddle with tonight. Today was a rough work day, okay?

In a moment of dawning horror she realizes that her shotgun is no longer there. Fuck.

When she gets to the door it creaks open on its own, revealing a cabin room. I think the narrator says smth here but idk what :asstoofat: please forgive me guys.
Her eyes dart across the room, and land on the Pristi
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Pristine Blade.

But it was no blade at all! It was a gun! Not The Shotgun Tabitha oh so lovingly cuddled at night after a good round of barbequing doctors' kids, but close enough to fill the shotgun-shaped void in her shotgun-shaped heart those doctors always warned her about.

"Okay, time out, what in God's name are you talking about? Just take the gun and shoot the princess in the basement before she ends the world," The Narrator said, exasperated with this mistake in the story. "I swear, Black Tabby Games needs to do a better job separating its games."

"How many times do we need to teach you this lesson, old man?" Tabitha growled cocking the gun.

The Princess came upstairs after hearing all the commotion, hand detached and stump bleeding.

"You're not Stella but you'll do," Tabitha remarked, "Get on, we're blowing this pop stand."

The Princess shrugged and got on Tabby's back, bracing herself for the piggy back ride as Tabitha shot The Narrator through space and time

Chapter 24: Bean gets the avery treatment (sad!)

TITLE: Bean gets the avery treatment (sad!)
FEATURING THE CHARACTERS: bean, idk a pack of aromantic wolves
WRITERS: soupy, fiasco, caldwell
RATED 18+

 

The pack of uninterested wolves rolled into Scarlet Hollow one day on their equally uninterested pack of motorcycles.

"It's time to eradicate this town of their so called romance."

BAM! Stabby was ran over by squealing tires. (They're both warriorcats in this one).

SQUASH! Joanvian was murdered before they even had kids... this will affect the plot later on

Their anarchy was nigh. No one was brave enough to face the aro wolves.

"IT IS I
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THE CONVENIENT SECRET LOVE CHILD! YOU MURDERED MY MOMS. PREPARE TO DIE," this secret kid screamed into the wind.

But the wind was blowing in the opposite direction from the uninterested wolves and uninterested motorcycles so they didn't hear shit

Tabby threw a rock at the secret love child, hitting it square in the head killing it instantly.

"But Tabby! That was a new cryptid I could've filmed for my YouTube channel!! I have to feed our family through the YouTube Mines!!"
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"wait wait wait a second i'm like, super lost right now?" Kaneeka appears, voicing the thoughts of the person writing this bit. "I thought this was about Bean and, idk, a pack of aromantic wolves?"
"It was, but something got fucked up in the mix and now we have... whatever this is," the pack of aromantic wolves gestures at the above portion. "Are we still getting paid for this role, by the way?"
"No," Tabitha snarls, throwing rocks at the aromantic wolves, too. "NO one is getting paid!!! You're all FIRED!!! I'LL GRILL YOU OVER THE COAL MY PEONS MINE FOR ME!!"
"With that attitude, you won't get your daily allowance of banana chocolate chunk ice cream," Kaneeka chides her. Tabitha backs down instantly.
"Don't be mean," Bean comes to her defense. "Oh, I'm here, too, by the way."
"Hi, Bean. Lovely of you to show up. Would you mind getting into place on set with the aromantic wolves? And someone, please escort Tabitha off the premises so she can have a time-out. PLACES, EVERYBODY! Stella, get the camera rolling. In three, two,..." She gestures for action, and the scene is set.
"So... Caldwell and Avery told me about a bunch of weird wolves. Who are you guys?"
"Aromantic ones. We'll happily join your OC ranks if you want."
"Oh fuck yeah this is the coolest. So how tragic are we making this?"
"Pretty tragic, we have to go as a pack everywhere or not at all. And if one of us dies, it's like losing a piece of our very soul."
"Sweeeeet, I can't wait to write this AU."
AND, CUT!

Chapter 25: Reese with a big cock gets a little angy

TITLE: Reese with a big cock gets a little angy
FEATURING THE CHARACTERS: reese with a big cock, reese but even smaller now
WRITERS: bean, caldwell, soupy
RATED 18+

 

Reese With Big Cock Kelly is currently painting Reese But Even Smaller Now. Posed awkwardly on the stool so he doesn't accidentally sit on his huge cock.

Reese But Even Smaller Now adjusts slightly, COMPLETELY throwing off the vibe of the painting.
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"Jesus fucking christ, Reese But Even Smaller Now," Reese With A Big Cock sneers. "Can you do ONE thing right?"
"Nope," Reese But Even Smaller squeaks out. He sounds like a little mouse. "All that ricin really did a number on me. Maybe you could try not being a snobby perfectionist?"
"That's it, you little twat," Reese With A Big Cock snatches up Reese But Even Smaller in his palm, accidentally smushing the poor thing like a mosquito on a hot summer day. He doesn't even have time to scream out his final words, which would have been something like:
"Ohgodfuckdon'tkillmenooooooo!"
But now he is just a stain on his hand.
"Oh. Oops. Maybe I can paint him... with his own blood?"
"God, that's morbid," Flimbo says from the stairwell. Reese With A Big Cock spins around, frightened at the sudden sound.
"Oh, Flimbo. It's just you. Wanna help me paint Me But Even Smaller with his own blood?"
"Fuck yeah. Can I be part of the paint too?"
"Sure. Why not."
--------------------
As the large cocked Reese (im sorry but this is just normal Reese fight me) painted Flimbo like one of his french girls (?), there came a knock at the door.

Reese opened the door to none other than the leader of the aromantic wolf pack.

"Your time has come, freak." The murderous wolf beheaded Reese with a growl.

"THAT'S MY BOYFRIEND YOU JUST KILLED!!!) Shouted (?) The grieved Flimbo.

The wolf backed away in shock at the swirling power that surrounded it (?).

"No, it can't be! The power of true love! I'm no match for its strength!" The wolf shouted.

"IT'S FLIMBO TIME!"

As Flimbo cast Meteor, the entire world exploded in a haze of celestial destruction

Chapter 26: Tabitha's Bizarre Capybara Adventure

TITLE: Tabitha's Bizarre Capybara Adventure
FEATURING THE CHARACTERS: a normal capybara, tabitha scarlet
WRITERS: fiasco, rad-beese, seeker
RATED ALL AGES

 

Tabitha Scarlet was taking a hike up to The Mines for her regularly-scheduled nefarious goals when in her path stood...

A normal capybara. Making a capybara noise at her.

"Go away," Tabitha sneered at the creature.

Sure, she could punt it or scoot it off the trail, but there were people in her line of sight across the way which means they could see her too, and by extension the potential animal abuse happening.

So instead she went for her next best course of action
--------------------
Obviously, outsourcing the job would be best—delegation is a manager's best friend. One of the people in her line of sight happened to be Harrison, one of her miners. This girl would answer to her, and deal with the capybara.

"Harrison! Stop what you're doing and make this capybara go away."

Harrison sighed and headed over, knowing it was her job to jump when Tabitha said jump. Her sister's tuition was riding on this job, after all. So... now what did her boss want from her?

For her to tussle with... the chillest most friendly creature known to mankind?

What a day.

Oh well... time to
--------------------
suplex this magnificent coconut dog through a wall. Fortunately, Capybaras are known for their complete imperviousness to physical damage, and Harrison had been training in the accelerated time chamber for this very moment. Neither one had to hold back. The capybara opened with a hurricane kick, which Harrison blocked and countered with a flaming uppercut. The capybara, unfazed, responded with a flying tackle through the mine's fences.
"Ugh" Tabitha sighed. "Not

Chapter 27: He's not even batman in this one

TITLE: He's not even batman in this one
FEATURING THE CHARACTERS: batman, beese (as a dog)
WRITERS: crt [fool], fiasco, rad-beese
RATED ALL AGES

 

In the heart of Gotham City, a tired Bruce Wayne swings around in his overly-luxurious arm chair.
"Alfred!" He calls over his trusted butler. "I'm bored. Joker's been hung for his crimes, Bane's on death row, Penguin shipped himself off to Antarctica-"
"I get your point, sir."
"Point is, I want some excitement. Find a place for me to go!"
And so, by way of random name generator, Alfred decides that Batman is going to go to Scarlet Hollow, where he has one hell of a week...
--------------------
When he comes across the most fucked up dog he's ever seen in his long, fucked-up existence.

This thing was bipedal with the tail of a rat and the head of a horse and teeth of a shark. What do you even classify this freak of nature as?

"You are on fucked up dog," Bruce said in awe, leash in hand.

"... I'm not a dog, who the hell are you?" Beese asked before being cut off by Bruce putting the leash on him.

"... I guess we're doing this now," Beese stated matter of fact. It's not like he had anything better to do after gobbling up his bitch ass mother after all.

Bruce took Beese on a leash, still thinking he's a dog, down to
--------------------
the middle of town to go find the Mayor and see if he could find out what was going on with this town. The Mayor would be able to give him some kind of job, or if not him, probably the cops.

Failing that, he'd walk the streets and see what happened.

He asked the man at the town hall where to find the Mayor, but Oscar laughed and said he should probably talk to someone called Tabitha instead.

Beese sighed and said, "I should probably have warned you. The Mayor actually IS a dog. Tabitha really runs this town. Also, don't go to the cops... they're useless."

Bruce put his head in his hands for a moment.

"This town needs me more than it could possibly realize, doesn't it? Y'all don't even have a halfway competent cop?"

Chapter 28: It's a nice day for a ???? Wedding.

TITLE: It's a nice day for a ???? Wedding.
FEATURING THE CHARACTERS: reese kelly in a wedding dress, fiasco
WRITERS: soupy, crt [fool], fiasco
RATED 18+
"Wow Reese, you look amazing." Said Fiasco, Fiascoly

"Oh thanks, Caldwell made this one for me." He replied

"All those well detailed rubies... Effervescent."

"Wait. Who am I marrying again?"

Fiasco backed ominously out of the hallway, leaving Reese stranded in the dark church basement.

Then, out of the gloom, appeared Edward Cullen.
--------------------
He's not technically supposed to be here, but he is, wearing the exact same dress. The famed vampire glitters ridiculously in the sunlight that comes in from the oversized, un-curtained windows.
"Well," he sneers, pushing back a palmful of super-greased hair, "one of us will have to change."
"What are you talking about? I'll just fucking kill you!" Reese takes his pristine dagger, shooting past Fiasco, who has a bowl of popcorn at this point.
"Man," they mumble through a mouthful of buttery goodness, "i should have invited soup to this."
Soup pops up from behind a pew. "HI FIASCO!" she screams, making fiasco jump and throw popcorn all over the dueling pale men.
"oh hi soup. these guys are being weird. wanna go get lost in the woods?"
"sure!" she peers over at reese one last time. now he's... making out with edward cullen, pushing him against the doorway, matching dresses getting all kinds of tangled up.
--------------------
Fiasco and Soup sauntered up to the dueling oiled-up mythological beasts making out in the corner and each gave Reese a smooch on the cheek.

"Get his ass, babe!" Fiasco yelled, their voice echoing in the big ass church as the two of them took their leave to get lose in the woods while Reese and Edward got each other's asses.

"Damn, and here I thought I was the one Reese was getting married to. Now I'm jealous," Fiasco said while dejectedly kicking a rock.

"Same, he was all oiled up and everything," Soup sighed in regret.

Reese walked out of the church covered in blood

Chapter 29: Champagne for My Real Friends, Real Pain for My Sham Friends

TITLE: Champagne for My Real Friends, Real Pain for My Sham Friends
FEATURING THE CHARACTERS: dustin, shadow the hedgehog
WRITERS: seeker, soupy, crt [fool]
RATED 18+

 

Shadow stepped into the guest bedroom. His cousin had invited him for the funeral of her late mother, and he knew all about how to mourn. First his best friend, then her grandfather, the closest thing he had to a father. Shadow does not wear clothes, but he nonetheless felt the need to bring a large quantity of fishnets, crop tops, and chokers, which he needed to put away in the dresser.
--------------------
Upon opening the dresser, the h(edge)hog was met with an angelic screech.

"Scary!" Shrieked the frightened marsupial.

"I know. It's kind of my thing." Shadow told the plump creature.

"Scary... hot?" Asked Dustin.

Shadow blushed a fierce red. No one had ever called him hot before. Before he could ask what the opossum meant by that, there was an aggressive knock at the door.

"SHADOW! IT'S ME-
--------------------
"-SONIC!! I heard you lost someone close to y- what are you doing?"
At this point, shadow had already asked dustin for consent (bc consent is sexy) and dove into the drawer, turning into a totally normal, melanistic hedgehog, to make out with his new lover.
Tabitha stands just behind Sonic with a look of disgust on her face.
"Kinda messed up, isn't it?"
"How did he do that?"
Sonic shrugs. "Wanna join them?"
Tabitha weighs her options, glancing at her watch. Her mother is dead, and she technically has an entire town to keep running, but at the same time...
"Sure."
by the forces of magic and also desperation, sonic turns into a perfectly normal blue-dyed hedgehog, tabitha turns into a kittypet, and there's a rampaging orgy happening atop a pile of hot topic vomit.
the ghost of mary-belle scarlet weeps, for her grandchildren are disgusting.

Chapter 30: The fuckening

TITLE: The fuckening
FEATURING THE CHARACTERS: ant sized reese, reese kelly
WRITERS: rad-beese, seeker, soupy
RATED 18+

 

When Reese woke up Friday morning, the last thing he expected to find in the woods was a smaller, ant-sized version of himself. He wondered if the events of last night somehow broke his brain. Was he going mad? Was this what going mad was like?

The ant-sized Reese marched up to him and
--------------------
immediately started giving him bedroom eyes. Was this a dream? He had had similar dreams, nay, fantasies in the past, but how could he tell where his mother's lies ended and the truth began, she would have told him anything was "just a dream." Whether it was true or not though, both Reeses knew what must happen next. Their clothes were already in a sorry state of disrepair after what had happened the night before, and it was simply ethical to put them out of their misery and shred them completely.
--------------------
The pack of homophobic wolves opened fire on the abominable couple.

"End of the line for you freaks!" Shouted the Alpha wolf.

"NOOO!!!" Shouted Avery. The tall hottie slid to put themselves between the gunslinging wolfpack and their two favorite people. Reese, and smaller Reese.

"Avery! I thought you were on my side?! I thought you LOVED ME!" Cried the Alpha.

"I'm sorry, but my heart lies with Reeses instead."

The wolves drove away, led by their

Chapter 31: Avery is Drowning in Pussy

TITLE: Avery is Drowning in Pussy
FEATURING THE CHARACTERS: oh fukh a gougar, avery belle ;)
WRITERS: fiasco, rad-beese, crt [fool]
RATED 18+

 

"Oh Fukh A Gougar," Avery remarked non-chalantly at the very hostile gougar standing in their path between them and the hottie up on the hill in the Scarlet Manor.

They looked around and picked up a big fucking rock that caught their eye. The gougar stopped growling and spewing rabies everywhere long enough to realize its fate was sealed.

"Sorry about this, but the cousin up in that manor is r e a l l y cute and I don't feel like dying before I can get up there again," Avery said softly to the gougar.

Their tone wasn't as effective with the big fucking rock in their hand.

Just then
--------------------
the gougar shed her coat and revealed that she was secretly a wampus cat, meaning she was actually a gorgeous lady who just had a really manky fursona.

Avery stared at her in astonishment.

"I guess I could be perrrsuaded to get with you before I go find Tabby's sexy cousin..."

"Rawrrrrrrr," said the gougar, and pounced Avery.

She straddled them and began peeling off their coat and unbuttoning their shirt.

"Uh, one thing first tho - do you have a rabies vaccination?" they asked.

"Of course," she said. "I'm not rabid, I just got ditchling'd a lil bit.
--------------------
"O fuck yea, I'm like, super into that," they remember the last time they ovipositioned fondly. "Let's fuckin go!"
They start to make out, the Wampus tearing Avery's clothes to shreds with her razor-like nails.
It be 'rawr' with them, who normally doesn't even do rollercoasters, they're good
but she was like 'rawr' and they couldn't resist.

up in the estate, a perturbed cousin stares out the window down at the scene on the front lawn. They jump out the window and dodge-roll, interrupting them.
"can i join"
"what? ew, no," the wampus screeches in disgust. Avery pushes her off to make out with the more accepting cousin instead, who is somewhat secretly disappointed that it won't score a cougar... today.

today, wampus cat.
tomorrow, joan kelly.
THE END!!

Chapter 32: lettuce pray for seeker. seeker i hardly know 'er

TITLE: lettuce pray for seeker. seeker i hardly know 'er
FEATURING THE CHARACTERS: tabitha with a bigger cock, seeker
WRITERS: crt [fool], soupy, seeker
RATED 18+

 

Once upon a time, in a server far, far away, there was a reason why #sh-thirst-prison was created.
Seeker sits back in her chair, poignantly considering the image on their screen. Tabitha Scarlet, with a bigger cock than thought possible. "This shouldn't even be *here*," she whispers in disbelief. "But I can't stop *staring at it*..."

Time slows to a crawl, and the image on screen moves. A voice emanates from the speakers. "You like it, don't you? Don't lie to me."
"No, actually, I don't," Seeker spits in disgust. "Who the fuck are you? A hacker?"
"Hah!" Tabitha laughs from beyond the LCD. "No. I'm Tabitha Fucking Scarlet, and I have a huge cock."
"I thought your middle name was Chrysanthemum?"
--------------------
"Shut up! Suck my-"

"Nope." Seeker shut her screen before TFS could even finish her crude demand. (Note, this is a pc and not a laptop, so Seeker's moniter just went c r u n c h.)

"Well that was wacky. Time to go make lunch."

Seeker searched through the kitchen, looking in cupboards, checking the pantry, looking for something to act as a vaguely satisfying midday meal.

She opened the fridge to an odd sight.

"...it's just all lettuce?" She spoke outloud. The fridge before her held nothing but dozens upon dozens of heads of fresh unwrapped lettuce. Wait a second, this wasn't even her fridge. Where WAS she?
--------------------
Her crimes in writing the Reese fic had caught up to her. The lettuce had come for its revenge. "DIE, THOU HORNDOG HERETIC!" the knife-wielding lettuce lunged at seeker, stabbing her in the leg. She fell to the ground, as four lettuces surrounded her. She had but one option left, and she pulled out the thousand island. Dressing and blood splattered the walls, and screams could be heard from miles away. When the cops arrived, Seeker was unconscious, surrounded by vegetable scraps. That said, she hadn't had a better meal in days.

Chapter 33: Get Busy Living or Get Busy Dying

TITLE: Get Busy Living or Get Busy Dying
FEATURING THE CHARACTERS: sybil, clarice kelly
WRITERS: seeker, fiasco, rad-beese
RATED 18+
Clarice was fuming. It had only been a day since she nearly killed her own mother, and emotions in her head were still conflicted. She didn't know who to trust or what to do. Would her mother try to harm her again in the future? Was she in the right to do what she did? How much of it was just manipulation by another? These were questions for another day. The one thing she knew for sure. Sybil Forsyth was the one who initially laced Clarice's estradiol with ricin, and she needed to die for it.
--------------------
She kicked down the door to the general store, everyone inside just about jumping out of their fucking skins.

"WHERE IS SYBIL???" Clarice shrieked like Doomguy reincarnated. Miles pointed a shaking finger to the back where his mom was doing her daily Ominous Shit.

Sybil didn't even react to the hulked-out Clarice with murderous intent in her eyes as she bust down yet another door.

"YOU!!!"
--------------------
"What, me?" said Sybil, the picture of innocence, then sprayed Clarice with a squirt gun full of her tea.

"Oh wow... I'm not sure why I'm here," Clarice said.

"Perhaps you wanted a tea reading?" Sybil said sweetly.

"I don't like tea," replied the younger woman. "The only things I really do are watch movies, paint, and spank it alone in my room to fanfiction... so... what's it going to be? Movie, portrait, or...?"

"Oh, portrait of me spanking it, if you don't mind..." said Sybil.

Clarice quickly got to work painting the other woman, and her completed art was magnificently sexy.

Then the two had a hot orgy.

Chapter 34: Wayne's omnipotent dick saves the day

TITLE: Wayne's omnipotent dick saves the day
FEATURING THE CHARACTERS: a jar of mayo, avery :)
WRITERS: rad-beese, crt [fool], soupy
RATED 18+
Avery was feeling really left out of everything going on in Scarlet Hollow by the start of Thursday. Nobody had invited them to ANYTHING, and they were starting to get really depressed about it. They would have been an excellent member of the scooby gang for the ghost hunt!

They decided they were going to go up to the Estate and give the cousin a piece of their mind about excluding them. It was downright transphobic.

Unfortunately, the cousin was already gone for the day, and all they found there was a mean cat, a forbidden wing they couldn't get into, and a fridge with ancient mayonnaise in it.

They decided the only thing for it would be to
--------------------
pull the mayo out of the fridge and read the label. By some unknown means, it had been in there since the early 1930's. Avery does some quick calculations on how much, exactly, they value both their mental and physical well-being, and cracks the jar open.
"Huh," they breathe, looking into the milky-white whipped concoction. "Still good."
They ponder for a moment.
"I should go and slather this all over Cousin's walls. Payback time."
"No, Avery, don't do it!" Suddenly, the Cousin bursts in from the back garden door.
"Cousin?!"
"I'm sorry for not inviting you! I'm sorry for pretending like you don't exist!" They tear their shirt off. "Take that mayo and GREASE ME UP, you BEAUTIFUL HUMAN BEING!!"
Avery looks to the mayo, back to Cousin, and back at the mayo, shrugging. "I've done weirder," and proceed to lather them up from head to toe with Hellmann's Worst.
--------------------
Cousin moaned sensually as Avery spread the milky concoction over their miraculously naked body.

Avery was incredibly turned on by the putrid smell and horrid texture of the ancient mayonnaise. Cousin moaned loud enough to be heard by the whole town as Avery slathered their shoulders, coated their calves, and mayoed their most sensitive parts.

"Oh, darn. I can't reach what's left in here with my fingers." Avery lamented.

"Don't worry, I can help." Supplied Wayne, who had appeared behind Cousin, his veil fluttering in the breeze.

He used his omnipotent dick to empty the jar of mayonnaise.

Chapter 35: Lettuce all go to therapy :)

TITLE: Lettuce all go to therapy :)
FEATURING THE CHARACTERS: head of lettuce, beese
WRITERS: soupy, seeker, fiasco
RATED 18+

 

It was a lovely day in the post matricide route, and Beese was Very Hungry.

He wandered the quiet countryside, searching for something to satisfy his ravenous hunger. A rabbit, a deer, perhaps even a mountain lion. Whatever crossed his path, he'd be able to outrun it.

.... A head of lettuce?

There, in a clearing among the sunlit trees, lay a single head of lettuce.

Well, it wasn't his favorite. Wasn't even protein dense enough to constitute as a snack,
--------------------
but... with his stretching abilities, he may find another use for it. No one was around to see. No one would ever know. Reese dropped his pants and began inserting the head of lettuce whole into his ass. No one would ever know. No one could ever know. Suddenly, through the trees, a rustling could be heard. Duke was back to check on his crops. He dropped his shotgun in shock, and it discharged upon striking the ground.
--------------------
Killing Reese and his stretching abilities instantly.

"You saved me!! I am forever in your debt from this day forth!" the head of lettuce cried, having freed itself from the confines of Reese's asshole.

"AH AH DEVIL'S LETTUCE, KILLIT KILLIT," Duke shrieked like a banshee as he actually managed to recover his gun and fire it safely for once.

The head of lettuce lay decimated, the remains scattered across the forest floor and also the stretched out asshole of Reese Kelly.

Chapter 36: Our battle will be legendary

TITLE: Our battle will be legendary
FEATURING THE CHARACTERS: thanos, karl marx
WRITERS: fiasco, hayden, eatham
RATED 18+

 

Karl Marx wiped the blood streaming from his nose as he looked upon his adversary across the field.

"You don't understand, Thanos!" he bellowed, "Why do you insist on fighting when we could combine our powers for the greater good?!"

Thanos looked down his big ass purple chin at the man with the craziest hair and beard he's ever seen in his life.

"Your hair... Your beard... It is unequal you receive such gifts while I am left with nothing on my own head," he stated with all the gravitas of a king.

"... What???" Karl Marx yelled in bewilderment.

"You heard what I said."
--------------------
Marx realized that, for all his prowess with the Infinity Gauntlet, he could never achieve what he wanted. All that power, all that glory. The power to annihilate life is worth nothing if the wielder is bald.

"Then, perhaps, you can use your power for good," Marx finally responded. The lack of air on the Earth's moon stung his lungs, but he could manage.

"What good can I achieve?" asked Thanos. His eyes were watery. The gravity of his sins finally began to weigh on him.

Marx thought for a moment, his head light. Finally, it came to him;

"Seize the means of hair production."
--------------------
The power of the thought alone surged through Thanos. Suddenly all across the Universe, everyone above a net worth of like a million dollars went bald. All the hair surged into Thanos at once as he seized their means of hair production. Marx screamed as he was enveloped into the web of ever expanding hair that poured out of Thanos's flesh.
That was all 30 years ago, now orbits the Earth as a second moon sized ball of hair. Marx now lives in a little hair cabin where he continues the write, the event having had inspired him for his idea of Communism 2 or something. I don't even know anymore.

Chapter 37: Stella and her girlballs win the day

TITLE: Stella and her girlballs win the day
FEATURING THE CHARACTERS: stella with a giant cock, wolf avery
WRITERS: rad-beese, crt [fool], seeker
RATED 18+

 

Stella's latest video was going to be a good one.

All her fans were so excited to find out if she would discover the wolf cryptid of Scarlet Hollow, which had been rampaging across the mountains for the last week. Janey had spotted it playing tug-of-war with the church rats, so it had to be a really interesting creature, if that turned out to be true.

What Stella didn't expect was that she would run into a wolf with Avery's eyes. After Avery disappeared on Friday night during the debacle at the Tremaine Homestead, she didn't think she would see them again, but there they were—in wolf form, and their slender wolf body was honestly pretty sexy... she
--------------------
kneels down and reaches out a hand. Wolf Avery boops their snoot to her palm.
"You know, Avery, we have a pretty rare opportunity here," she suggests with a wink.
"WHAT WERE YOU THINKING ABOUT DOING, MY STELLAR FRIEND?" They roar, because they only know one volume setting in this form.
"Well, if you weren't aware, I have a giant cock, and you're a werewolf, so..."
"YOU WANT TO MAKE SOME MONSTERFUCKING PORN?" They tap a claw to their maw, considering her offer. "YOU KNOW WHAT? SURE. FUCK ME UP THE ASS, STELLA. IT'S ALL KINDS OF LOOSENED."
She mounts her friend and gets to work, filming all the way, shouting a bunch of questions over the grotesque slapping of huge girlballs against his furry ass.
"Is it always this loose?!"
"I DON'T KNOW, THIS IS MY FIRST TIME. UGH, YOU ARE REALLY HUGE, IT FEELS SO FUCKING GOOD - SO GOOD FOR ME, FUCK, STELLA!"
"I'm not done yet!"
With the questions *or* the fucking. It's a 10-hour long q-and-f-and-a.
--------------------
Avery's thussy rubbed up against stella's throbbing she-shaft. the sensation was indescribable. They were in bliss, until, all of a sudden, the Mothman appeared. Stella was immediately ashamed. "I'm sorry, we didn't know you were here! We'll get out of your way!"
"UNLESS. DID YOU WANT TO WATCH?" growled Wolvery.
but mothman wanted to do more than watch. This was his domain, and he would not be excluded from the fucking. Once this had been decided and enthusiastic consent given, Stella found herself sandwiched between the two lovers, in a sort of human centipede but with cocks, and also only one of them was human.

Chapter 38: Dinner is a dish best served... Gooey

TITLE: Dinner is a dish best served... Gooey
FEATURING THE CHARACTERS: beese, crt [fool]
WRITERS: soupy, silky, hayden
RATED 18+

 

"So like, what do you want for dinner?" Caldwell asked the rampaging Beese.

"Got anything that's not flavored with mommy issues?"

"Sure. You're not you when you're hungry." Caldwell gave Beese an extra veiny Snickers.

"Wow... thanks. I sure feel like myself again." Reese said as he demolished the snickers. Paying extra attention to the veiny part of the Snickers.
--------------------
the ooey gooeyness dripping down his chest Caldwell couldn't help but stare the chocolate and Carmel falling down Beese's chest his face a mix of pure pleasure and satisfaction. suddenly Beese's eys open slightly seeing Caldwell's slack jaw stare watching the goo make its way down his chest.
"you don't have to just stare" Beese chuckles "want a taste?" he gestures to his goo covered chest
--------------------
Caldwell stared. And stared. And stared. And stared for more, for good measure.

Instinct propelled Cadlwell. All these years of yearning, all these years of hunger, finally, allowed to break free. It licked and licked. It was tickling Beese, but it licked some more. Caldwell licked more. It could not stop.

"Hahahahahahah " laughed Beese, losing control. But that did not stop Caldwell. It continued to lick, slurping up the caramel goo like it was Jesus at the Last Supper.

Caldwell licked until its tongue was dry. Then it licked until its tongue tore. The pain was blinding, but the gooey caramel was eternal. It just kept coming. How was there so much?

Beese, however, was laughing. Laughing and laughing, tears in his eyes. His laughs turned to neighs, to honks, unceasingly, until his breathing stopped. He has died.

Caldwell stood up and turned around.
"what the fuck" replied Joan

Chapter 39: Reese if he was bitten by a schrodingers cat

TITLE: Reese if he was bitten by a schrodingers cat
FEATURING THE CHARACTERS: a pack of lesbian wolves, quantum reese
WRITERS: eatham, ollie, crt [fool]
RATED 18+

 

Quantum Reese suddenly teleported into the pack of lesbian wolves doing whatever you might imagine a pack of lesbian wolves would do. All of the wolves stared directly at him as suddenly Quantum Reese, very hungry after teleporting of course, ate one of them. Now the number one rule in the lesbian wolf pack is NO VORE so they were very upset and starting chasing him.
--------------------
Quantum Reese started running through the trees. The lesbian wolves raced behind him, telling him to unvore we. Quantum Beese opened a portal to the phantom realm and umped through, escapin the wolves. He unlatched his jaw and let the wolf climb out."wow thank you for getting me out of that pack, they weren't down for some freak shit. I'm gonna start a new polycule pack that does real freak shit in the phantom realm with hot phantom ghost girls." She bounded away into the phantom sunset. Reese looked on, knowing what he had to do.
--------------------
There's another universe out there, somewhere, with more Reese that he, too, can start a polycule of freak shit-doers with. Leap after leap, jump after jump, he grows weary, searching for the mythical Reeseiverse. He finds the pack of lesbian wolves a bunch of times, a universe where he's watched on while Stella with a huge dick fucks a werewolf Avery, and even a universe full of Waynes in business attire. He's beginning to give up hope, when he finally decides...
"Just one more jump," he grits his teeth in determination. He pushes through the portal. And oh, gods. It was heaven. Reeses and Beeses alike, in all kinds of fucked-up formations. Piss and cum and spit and blood! Teeth and claws and vivisection and cannibalism... and best of all...
....consent!
He leapt up with glee, clicking his heels together with exuberance. Just as he started to fall into the arms of a particularly hung Beese, the shrill sound of a screaming alarm clock woke him from this amazing dream.

Chapter 40: Fourth of July

TITLE: Fourth of July
FEATURING THE CHARACTERS: bus guy, eggman
WRITERS: seeker, fiasco, silky
RATED 18+

 

Doctor Eggman had heard the stories. A demonic being that could cause untold suffering, sealed away so it could never do any harm again. If it could be controlled it could help him destroy the city and build a new theme park on the ashes. He placed the artefact into the crater, and a blinding light split the earth open. Eggman was not pleased with what he saw. Out emerged what appeared to be a normal man, nude but for a horrid beanie.
--------------------
"Yo dude, where are we right now??" the naked beanie man yelled.

He sounded like a frat boy. Eggman hated frat boys ever since one pushed him down a flight of stairs in college. His egg head never quite recovered its luster after that...

"Helloooo??? Egg Guy??? I'm right here man, talk to me- holy shit is this a theme park??" Naked Beanie Man sounded zooted off his gourd.

This was supposed to be a danger so evil to the world it had to be sealed away?? Was this a bad joke done by the firing squad that gunned down Eggman's grandfather?
--------------------
"you know I always wanted to go to a theme park" The naked frat bus dweller commented looking out the window. Eggman didn't want to respond he was always uncomfrtable with naked men reminded him of the time frat boys used him for a hazing ritual plowing eggman as their 'prize pig' he never rcovered but the bus dweller's body was alluring he couldnt help himself but to see his massive shlong just dangling it was so girthy. 'n-no I cant give in Eggman thought' finally he replies.
"its mine you see" Eggman said calmly
the Bus guy's eye light up "r-really what do i have to do to get in?"
Eggman chuckled "you know what you have to do" he says sighing unzipping his pants...

Chapter 41: Sans x Ditchling #5 (Gone Wrong) Feat Rebecca Sugar

TITLE: Sans x Ditchling #5 (Gone Wrong) Feat Rebecca Sugar
FEATURING THE CHARACTERS: ditchling #5, sans undertale
WRITERS: hayden, rad-beese, ollie
RATED 18+

 

Sans looked down at Ditchling #5. He realized that if he kept referring to this specific number of ditchling, he was gonna be annoyed.
"So, Bitch Ditch," Sans began, "why are you here?"
"I want power," replied newly christened Bitch Ditch.
"Power? Might need something else."
Bitch Ditch was confused. Power is ought by all, and if he were to win next year's Tumblr Sexyman contest, he'd need Sans' help.
"But yeah," Sans replied. "I can give you that."
He held out his skeletal hand. It was cloaked in shadow.
Bitch Ditch reached back. His palm buzzed,
--------------------
shocking the poor ditchling. It almost electrocuted it. It was a pathetic little thing with no bones, but it was feeling scaroused now, and if it had bones it would have wanted sans to jump its bones. It was very confused by the whole situation but hot and horny for the other creature.

It opened its mouth and extended its ovipositor invitingly.

"Would," said Sans. "Still would."

So Bitch Ditch went and ditchling'd Sans in the face, and it was good and pure.
--------------------
They fused together like in Steven Universe. It was beautiful.

The fusion looked just like Sans but if he had skin and was a little lumpy in the ass section /pos

"I am Sans #5. Get me some lettuce, we're gonna have some FUN!"

Chapter 42: rice can't fix this broken home but it can fix a broken phon

TITLE: rice can't fix this broken home but it can fix a broken phon
FEATURING THE CHARACTERS: soupy, clarice
WRITERS: crt [fool], soupy, fiasco
RATED 18+

 

It is a cold and dreary morning when Soupy awakens, bleary-eyed and befuddled as she sees unfamiliar surroundings. There are fairy lights strung up among exposed wood in the ceiling and her bedframe, the floor is messy with crumpled up papers and the corners are filled with paintings that she doesn't recognize.
Startled, Soupy shoots up, scrambling to find the nearest mirror. This was her first mistake, as the world spins with a headrush, but she persists. There's a bathroom at the end of a staircase that she finds herself in, and clicking on the light switch, she is faced with a dawning realization:
She is no longer Soupy.

She is Clarice Kelly.
"Well," she grimaces, "I was basically already halfway there. I wonder if I'll get swept off my feet, or if that's another week." She checks her phone. It's September. "FUCK!!!!"
--------------------
"IT'S NOT EVEN CANON SCARLET HOLLOW YET!!!"

Then, Joan Kelly calls down the stairs. "Clarice! It's time for dinner!"

Soup turned Clarice blanks in front of the mirror. What should she do now? Where was the real Clarice? Was she on Estradiol now? No matter, Dr Kelly was calling for dinner.

 

Dinner was microwave steak with a side of undercooked garlic bread. "Thanks... Joan?" The confused freak said.

"I'm your mother. You're not supposed to call me by my name." The Doctor corrected.

"Oh right, I haven't asked you to pass the salt yet."

"Huh? Anyway, it's time for you to take your medication." Joan said
--------------------
"NononononONONONONONO-" Soup-rice screamed in her head.

She smacked Dr. Kelly's hand and sent the pills flying all over the hardwood floor and booked it out of the house during the confusion. Soup-rice immediately collapsed after several feet on account of her body completely giving up on her after a lifetime diet of plain noodles and poison.

Dr. Kelly came out with the tranquilizer gun ready to kill, when she looked up on Soup-rice in confusion.

"Who the hell are you?"

Chapter 43: Sudden rat

TITLE: Sudden rat
FEATURING THE CHARACTERS: pikachu, sybil
WRITERS: silky, eatham, rad-beese
RATED 18+

 

As the ditching problem worsens in scarlet hollow Sybil goes out to Preform A ritual to ensure her family will survive "Mug wart? Check, castor beans? Check, lavender? Check,..." as she examines her supplies suddenly there is rustling in the brush surrounding her, she spins frantically trying to follow its movements, its fast the crashing through the underbrush seems to be coming from everywh
--------------------
ere. Suddenly, a fucked up yellow rat with lumps lunges at her, touching it is shocking on her skin. Her old lady bones are rattled by the mysterious creature. Sybil tries to take a sip from her TTA(TM) tea and becomes able to hear its evil words.
"Pika-pikachu" it says even with TTA. Frustrated she pours her Talk to Humans(TM) tea on it in response.
--------------------
"Pika-pikachu!" it shrieks, its limited vocabulary making coherent speech a near impossibility. She pours more of the tea on it in desperation.

Then it finally screams "Sybil, I choose YOU!"

And consent obtained, they make with the fuckening.

Pikachu uses its twisty little tail to shock the woman, like a violet wand but prehensile in nature.

Sybil shrieks during her moment of climax, going, "Pikachu, I chooose yooooooooou!"

Then Duke stumbles upon the pair and accidentally fumbles his shotgun, which goes off. Poor trigger discipline ends the two. RIP in pieces.

Chapter 44: fertile oscar

TITLE: fertile oscar
FEATURING THE CHARACTERS: pregnant!oscar, shadow the hedgehog
WRITERS: ollie, seeker, soupy
RATED 18+

 

Oscar looked at the pregnancy test with shock. He couldn't be pregnant, that's not possible. He took his mpreg birth control. but there it was. 2 lines. What was he gonna tell Shadow the Hedgehog, his new boyfriend? They weren't ready for kids. They would have to get married before the baby bump started to show. Oscar headed out of the bathroom to see shadow in the kitchen. "hey babe, I need to show you something" oscar gulped "I know your pregers, I could smell it on you dw babe" said shadow
--------------------
Oscar's pheromones had been strong lately, though he hadn't noticed. "What are we going to do? I can't have a child out of wedlock!" Oscar cried.
"Hey, what about me?" Rosalina asked.
"You don't count, because I don't like you." said Shadow cruelly and unprompted.
"The only solution", said Oscar. "Is to do the forbidden gay wedding ritual."
Shadow was taken aback. The forbidden ritual could instantly wed two men without the need for a priest, but was highly dangerous. If performed incorrectly, it would trap you in the space between relationship statuses, a void of no sensation or purpose.,
--------------------
"Let's do it." Claimed Shadow with recklass abandon.

 

Three days later, it was time for the wedding.

Just as Pastor Daniel read out the wedding vowels, he added the tumultuous phrase, "Speak now or forever hold your piece."

"I OBJECT!" Shouted Sonic the Hedgehog.

"What!? Sonic! I thought you were dead?!" Shadow the sadhog threw his almost wedding ring down on the ground, embracing his true lover, Sonic.

"Why does this always happen to me..." Oscar said.

"Don't worry dad, you'll have your moment to shine." Rosalina assured her dad.

Chapter 45: I need a Hero Kong

TITLE: I need a Hero Kong
FEATURING THE CHARACTERS: donkey kong, caster
WRITERS: fiasco, caster, soupy
RATED 18+

 

Caster climbed up the last ladder of the jungle gym of ladders abandoned in the middle of the junk yard to finally reach the true prize at the top.

It was what they were fighting for, after all.

The chance to do One Thing to Donkey Kong
--------------------
Caster summoned their greatest allies, themself. Now, they were in control of the narrative . using this new narrative control, they summoned a giant mario from above, using dark narrative sorcery to yeet them at the giant monkey.

They HAD to get their prize. Total Control Over The Narrative. TCOTM. It SHALL be theirs.
--------------------
As they reach for their True Prize, their fingers shake with exhaustion. This is it. The moment they had painstakingly climbed all those ladders for. Ow pixels were sharp.

Suddenly, the prize was snatched away, above Caster, stood Flimbo Scarlet.

Chapter 46: Everything looks like a nail

TITLE: Everything looks like a nail
FEATURING THE CHARACTERS: reese kelly, tabitha scarlet
WRITERS: rad-beese, fiasco, hayden
RATED 18+

 

Tabitha didn't know how to act around people who were as captivatingly attractive as Reese Kelly, so she just... gave him a death glare. Every day at school. Now that school was over and she didn't have to see him, she didn't have to worry about that anymore... or
--------------------
did she?

It all started that fateful night in the clinic when her dumbass cousin called her screaming and crying about a monster getting ready to eat them or some shit, she was too busy driving recklessly to pay attention to the details.

She pulled up to the clinic with her loaded shotgun and bust down the door to find
--------------------
her cousin and Reese already making out sloppy style. Joan Kelly was sitting there, utterly flabbergasted. All these weird paint monsters, for lack of a better term, *also* stared in confusion, but a few were cheering.
Tabitha, however, wanted to solve problems, and when all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.
She raised her shotgun - no one noticed she had it - and fired.

Chapter 47: Tonight, on maury.

TITLE: Tonight, on maury.
FEATURING THE CHARACTERS: hayden, darth vader
WRITERS: soupy, rad-beese, caster
RATED 18+

 

"Agh dude my fucking hand!"

Vader's raspy breath echoed in the "Hayden... the paternity test came back. I Am Not Your Father. Why are you even here."
--------------------
"I know you're not my father... why did you even do the test?" said Hayden. "I'm obviously here to jump your bones, I'm into that force-choking thing. It's just so hawt."
--------------------
"Wha- What the fuck?"

"Well, yeah, I'm kinda freaky like dat...."

Without wasting a moment longer, Vader didn't even bother force choking him, he grabbed him and WWE slammed him into the ground.

"H-Harder, d-"

"SHUT THE FUCK UP! I'VE KILLED MY BEST FRIEND, KIDS, SO MANY PEOPLE, WHY WON'T YOU JUST FUCKING DIE?!?"

"Why, you ask?"

"YES!! TELL ME, HAYDEN!!"

"Because...I....am..."

FIND OUT NEXT TIME, ON FRANTIC FANFIC.

Chapter 48: Judgement Day

TITLE: Judgement Day
FEATURING THE CHARACTERS: god himself, soupy
WRITERS: hayden, soupy, fiasco
RATED 18+

 

God looked down on Soupy. This was the fourth time today she had written smut about Beese, and it was time for a correction.
"You know why I am here," God began.
Soupy looked up. "I've been a naught girl uwu"
"No, its
--------------------
your car's extended warranty. It's expired yo."

Wait why is God telling me about my car warranty? Aw fuck, I drank the hand sanitizer again."

"I WILL SMITE YOU DOWN FOR YOUR BEESE RELATED SINS!"
--------------------
"EAT MY ALPHABETICAL ASS SOUP" she screamed at the top of her lungs as she threw down a smoke bomb to make her escape.

The smoke bomb did its job perfectly. Maybe even too perfectly.

The smoke reached her lungs, and it cleared to leave her dead on the pavement.

God was done with this shit at last.

Chapter 49: Bus guy learns what dickriding is

TITLE: Bus guy learns what dickriding is
FEATURING THE CHARACTERS: bus guy, wet peanuts
WRITERS: caster, hayden, rad-beese
RATED 18+

 

Once upon a time, Bus Guy walked into a convenience store. It was full of conveniences. But one mighty object caught his eyes. A ripe bag of wet peanuts. Thinking quickly, he ran over and swiped them from the shelf, stealing them. He burst out of the door, running to a nearby bus, the clerk chasing after him.
--------------------
Suddenly, a shot rang out. Bus Guy forgot that this was America, so the Cashier took potshots with his Barret .50 Cal. In a frantic motion, Bus Guy wacked the bullet with the peanuts.
To his surprise, the bullet ricocheted.
--------------------
It smashed into the opposite wall and the peanuts sprayed all over the floor, and then he and the clerk slipped on it and the clerk landed on his dick, because his pants just fell off and then they were fucking in the peanut brine. It was spicy and it kinda hurt but that was okay because they hadn't had sex in a long time and it was nice to be fucking even if it was very bad. Bad sex is still sex.

Chapter 50: Oh yeah, Pizza Time

TITLE: Oh yeah, Pizza Time
FEATURING THE CHARACTERS: solid snake, hayden's pizza
WRITERS: fiasco, soupy, seeker
RATED 18+

 

This was it, the most important mission Solid Snake ever had under his belt.

He stood on one end of the room and on the other, a freshly baked shitty grocery store pizza that belonged to Hayden who could come in at any moment.
--------------------
Hayden appeared in the nick of time to pull his well looked forward to Frozen Dinner out of the oven.

"One shot. Better make it count." Whispered Snake with his Whole Ass.

The bullet pierced Hayden's
--------------------
ass, instantly killing him (ass shots kill the target instantly). Snake looted the pizza off of Hayden's corpse and shared it with Otacon romantically. The End.

Chapter 51: Unenthusiastic lettuce sexing

TITLE: Unenthusiastic lettuce sexing
FEATURING THE CHARACTERS: sybil, a sapient head of lettuce
WRITERS: rad-beese, fiasco, soupy
RATED 18+

 

Sybil was buying herbs to make tea when she came upon a head of lettuce that said "hello" to her and winked.

She wasn't high, so that was weird.

Maybe someone had dosed her?

She didn't think so, but weirder things had happened that week.

"Hi..." she said to the lettuce. It smiled.
--------------------
The lettuce rolled out of its display shelf like that one Chef Boyardee can had a week prior and started nuzzling itself against Sybil's foot.

Sybil thought she wouldn't be phased be a sentient lettuce humping her like an unfixed dog, but this was one of her worse weeks.
--------------------
The Lettuce rolled up her hippie colored smock, or whatever she was wearing, and sensually leafed her ear.

"I haven't boned since my late husband. You'll do." She sighed.

The head of lettuce and Sybil shared an unenthusiastic night of bad sex the end

Chapter 52: Someone didnt fucking submit at the end

TITLE: Someone didnt fucking submit at the end
FEATURING THE CHARACTERS: liquid snake, solidus snake
WRITERS: caster, rad-beese, fiasco
RATED 18+
Liquid Snake groaned as Solidus Snake kicked him in the balls.

"Why! Liquid, you were my brother! Why!?"

"Mehehehe... You see, Soldius, I've got a secret for you."

"What's that?"

"You see, I'm ACTUALLY..."
--------------------
"A huge asshole, and I've always wanted to do that, our whole lives... so I don't care if we're besties who are as good as brothers, I just had to try it, at least once, FOR SCIENCE. So... how did it make you feel? For posterity, include as much detail as possible please. I need to know."
--------------------

Chapter 53: The Big Fuckass Dragon by J.R.R. Tolkein

TITLE: The Big Fuckass Dragon by J.R.R. Tolkein
FEATURING THE CHARACTERS: forever weed brownie, a giant fuckass dragon
WRITERS: hayden, caster, rad-beese
RATED 18+

 

There once was a giant fuck-ass dragon. It was so giant and fucked so much ass, that the villagers nearby awarded it a Forever Weed Brownie. Their goal was that the dragon would get *so* high that it would ascend the mortal realm and leave foreever.

They were wrong.
--------------------
Once the dragon consumed the forever weed brownie, it's high gave it an urge. An urge to eat. The grumblies.

Soon, the giant fuck-ass dragon, which is a slur against dragons btw, flew into the village and began to devour everything in sight.

However, it's once forgotten enemy suddenly appeared.
--------------------
It was Edward Cullen, and he was trying to slay the dragon. And it was very difficult to eat him, because he had sharp fangs that tore at the fuck-ass dragon's gullet from the inside. So he wrapped him in lettuce and did his best, but it hurt on the way down and he had a stomach ache for years.

Chapter 54: Twin Skeleton's (Hotel in NYC)

TITLE: Twin Skeleton's (Hotel in NYC)
FEATURING THE CHARACTERS: sans undertale, jesus after his ressurection
WRITERS: seeker, hayden, caster
RATED 18+

 

And on the third day, He is risen. He is not happy about this shit, dying for thine sins is a major bummer. "so. uh. hoiws it going fucker"
--------------------
Jesus wiped the dirt off his loincloth. Before him stood a strange looking fellow, wearing a weird blue cloth and bright pink ... what were those? They are from a different time, he suspected.

"Hello, good brother," Jesus began. "I am here to cleanse you of sin."
Sans chuckled, and removed his pants. "Ok, sure."
--------------------
"What? Uh-" Jesus looked upon Sans, he was just an exposed pelvis and uh, leg bones. "Uh, I think you misunderstood, Sans Undertale."

"Suck it."

"W-What?"

"I said. Suck it."

"S-Suck what?"

"My penits."

Chapter 55: Slay the joker

TITLE: Slay the joker
FEATURING THE CHARACTERS: fiasco, shifty-style joker
WRITERS: soupy, seeker, hayden
RATED 18+

 

"I.. am going to... Jonkle you?" The discordant sound of Shifty Joker rendered Fiasco speechless.

"Huh?" They said, speechlessly.

Shifty Joker tilted their
--------------------
jonkling mound, accidentally flashing infinitely many clussies at Fiasco in the process. "I am not the joker, baby, but I contain him in my multitudes. Why so serious?"
--------------------
To challenge the infinite Jonkling is a fool's errand, they realized. Fiasco decided the best course of action was to approach the matter differently.

"If you contain him in your multitudes, then would that make you him, and him you?"

"Yes, and no."

"Oh."

Chapter 56: Lettuce get the fuck out

TITLE: Lettuce get the fuck out
FEATURING THE CHARACTERS: soupy, sybilettuce (abomination)
WRITERS: fiasco, seeker, soupy
RATED 18+

 

Soupy threw herself though the door to the safe room in the clinic and huddled in the corner as the terrifying love child of Sybil's shitty sex with a lettuce stalked her like the apex predator it is.

It patiently rolled across the hardwood floor with the confidence of knowing its prey is cornered with no escape.

"Soup..." it's leaves whispered on the stale air, "Open the door and meet your fate."

Soup howled like a banshee as the tears rolled down her cheeks. "HOW DO YOU EVEN EXIST???"
--------------------
"I am the product of crimes against nature, crimes Seeker has already been executed for."
Soup whimpered, backed into a wall.
"You see, humanity created me with their sins. My mothers don't love me or each other, and god has no plan for me. My only recourse is to end the pathetic species that caused me to be created."
Soup knew the end was near. No one could save her, as the lettuce tendrils drew closer. No one, except maybe...
Suddenly, Batman exploded the ceiling and dropped in between Soup and Sybilettuce. "There is now" he said unprom
--------------------
ted, whisking Soup away with a stylish grappling gun.

"YOU CAN'T RUN FOREVER. YOU WILL ANSWER FOR YOUR CRIMES. FOR MY AGONIZING EXISTANCE!!!" The lettuce based abomination's squeaky voice trailed off into the dark night.

"Wow batman, you're actually batman in this one." Soup told the dark knight.

"This town needed a hero... and I am not that, but no one deserves to get murked by a vegetable hybrid."

Soup shrugged at that, how did she shrug while being carried by batman through the air? Eldritch magic of course.

A leg brushed against batman's side. Then another. Then another.

"Wait. How many legs do you even have?" Batman asked.

"Heehee. Hoohoo. Prepare to be. Legman." Soup threatened.

"noooOOOOOOOO!!!!!!"

Chapter 57

TITLE: Death Note: BTG edition
FEATURING THE CHARACTERS: seeker, obama
WRITERS: caster, rad-beese, seeker
RATED 18+

 

A loud knock came to Seeker's front door. Who was here at 3am? Seeker quickly got dressed and opened the front door, her cat trailing behind them.

"Seeker. It's a pleasure to finally meet you. The work you have done on the Black Tabby Games server has been commendable."

"What- Obama? You aren't even president, how did you find me- what- what do you want?"

"Someone's been posting about how much they want MC to date Tabitha Scarlet in the general discussion again. We need you to deal with this. Permanently."

"Wha- How do you even know about th- Why did you come to my house for this?!"

"Goodbye." Obama closed the door, walking away.

Seeker was now left with her thoughts. Unsure what to do.
--------------------
She'd been asked to deal with the problem Permanently, and by a former president. What, first of all, was Obama's definition of "dealing" with the problem? Was she just asked to assassinate the cousinsex shippers? Was this really what was happening?

Her phone buzzed. It was Obama.

"You know what I meant," he said. "Just do it."

So Seeker began painstakingly tracking the ip address of all the shippers and tracking them down, one by one.

And one by one, they started appearing dead.

The Council were very confused and upset with the number of fans mysteriously dying, but it did seem to be ones who were causing Problems on Purpose and breaking rules on the server. So... maybe it wasn't the worst thing that could have happened, they guessed?
--------------------
Eventually, news reports commented on the number of disappearances. The reports attributed the deaths to "Kira" which is weird because this wasn't taking place in Japan where that wordplay even remotely makes sense. Seeker was not content. She did not want to be a god to humanity, she just wanted to make out with some hot grim reapers but they wouldn't notice her. Obama then made a presidential announcement. "This has been fun, but now I must reveal that *I* was the Shinigami the whole time." Somehow, this improved Obama's opinion polls. "At least he's honest about it" say voters

Chapter 58: Tonight on Date Line: the true death of pearlanne scarlet

TITLE: Tonight on Date Line: the true death of pearlanne scarlet
FEATURING THE CHARACTERS: dr. kelly, a fuckable haunted house
WRITERS: soupy, fiasco, rad-beese
RATED 18+

 

"I'm not into pesky Scarlets, I'm into you, haunted House."

"Joan, I know you've been with a house before, but I'm different than your last. I don't know that you can handle my spooky hallways and underpaid scare actors."

"My last house gave me a Demon Son, whatever you have to throw at me, I know I can handle it. I can handle anything."

Joan tenderly caressed an eve of the House, careful to avoid each waterlogged splinter that stuck out through dark black paint. The House's creaky boards groaned at her touch.
--------------------
A sudden Reese knocked down the door of the fuckable haunted house WWE-style.

"THIS HOUSE IS A FAKE, DOC," he howled, clawing at the walls in a vain attempt to destroy it.

"... Reese shut the fuck up I'm gonna fuck this house," Dr. Kelly sneered with pent up rage simmering under her breath. It's been so long since the last house, too long.

"BUT THIS ISN'T A HOUSE!" Reese kicked in a wall and revealed the control room of the fuckable haunted house.
--------------------
"A DISPLAY HOUSE IS STILL A HOUSE," she screamed. "GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE AND LET US FUCK!"

Reese stomped off and gave up, deciding if his mother was going to do this, it was her funeral. He did, after all, sort of want her to shuffle off this mortal coil. Maybe he wouldn't have to do the work himself if the house did her in.

So Joan fucked the house, its bannister rails sliding into her hot and willing pussy. She managed to find a good one without even any splinters, and the house sighed and groaned.

Some of the sighing and groaning was from the scare actors, who all decided this was fantastic and watched.

And Joan was so horny she pretended not to notice them there, although she subtly angled herself to give them a better view.

Nine months later...

Chapter 59: I had sex with someone in fall out boy and all I got was thi

TITLE: I had sex with someone in fall out boy and all I got was thi
FEATURING THE CHARACTERS: mayonnaise, wayne's cock
WRITERS: seeker, caster, fiasco
RATED 18+

 

Wayne's omnipotent, sentient donger. Lil Wayne. Sam Wang. The infamous Goopenis. It is capable of many things, but there is one thing it cannot do, and that is be satisfied. If only it had some sort of edible lubricant, that was affordable and refrigeratable, so it can be saved for later. This would give it an edge (heh, edge) in its future sexcapades. It extended through the town, headed for the general store to find its quarry.
--------------------
Mayonnaise. Walking from behind.

Mayonnaise. Watching from the trees.

Mayonnaise. Hiding from Wayne's cock.

Mayonnaise. The only thing to be resist it's omnipotent power.

Mayonnaise. Wayne wanted to slobber Mayonnaise all over it's Sam Wang. But it would not allow it.

Mayonnaise. Stronger than the rest.

Mayonnaise. The only thing left.

Mayonnaise. Made by Cousin Scarlet.

Mayonnaise. It's been spotted.

Mayonnaise. It runs and runs.

Mayonnaise. Lil Wayne has caught it.

Mayonnaise. God, help us all.
--------------------
Cousin Scarlet walked out of the general store with their mayonnaise on a leash when a sudden gooey flash in the corner of their eye caught their attention.

There it was.

It was go time.

Cousin Scarlet continued walking down the mountain trail with the mayonnaise next to them, pretending they had not seen the floating dick that stalked them from afar.

That is, until the three walked into the forest out of sight from any prying eyes.

"GET 'IM MAYO," came the commanding shout of Cousin Scarlet as they unclasped the leash.

The mayonnaise lept in the air and onto Sam Wang, biting it with the gusto of a puppy and chew toy. The two thrashed about in the autumn leaves, ripping each other apart in the struggle.

After a moment, the fight ended, and the clearing was covered in so much goop.

Chapter 60: Slay Pearlanne

TITLE: Slay Pearlanne
FEATURING THE CHARACTERS: the long quiet, pearlanne
WRITERS: rad-beese, soupy, caster
RATED 18+

 

Pearlanne woke up chained in a basement wearing a princess dress. She didn't know what had happened or how she had gotten there, but she sat for a long time, longer than she would have thought possible without getting hungry.

It was very boring for a very long time.

Then a weird bird guy showed up with a knife, and it stared at her for a long time, swaying from side to side, waving the knife.

"What the fuck do you think you're doing?" said Pearlanne.

"I'm here... to slay you. Or else, it'll be the end of the world."

It swayed back and forth and didn't talk for a while after that, and she was beginning to get very fed up with it.

"How am I supposed to end the world when I'm chained in the basement?" she said.

A
--------------------
Strange sound emitted from the feathered God. "You're supposed to... nevermind. I've made my decision."

The Long Quiet plunged its Pristine Blade straight through Pearlanne's heart. A wet sound echoed out both from the wound, and the Scarlet's battered lungs.

She slumped to the floor, blood flowing faster than the passage of time should allow. As her eyes dulled over, she glanced at The Long Quiet.

"Least... it wasn't.... 'Sleep Apnea'".

She fell silent, still. Unmoving in the quiet basement.
--------------------
Then she woke again. The basement was... still. Her body was... cold. She looked down and her body was empty. Nothing at all. A cold husk of a being. She looked around, searching for a way out.

She went left. It led right back to where she was.

She went right. Back to the start.

She went up. The start.

She went down. Over and over, back where she began.

She was incorporeal, yes, no longer bound by her chains, yes. But she was still stuck. Stuck in this god forsaken basement.

Forever.

Forever.

Forever.

Until something different happened.

The sound of those oh-so familar footsteps going up the path. Opening the door. Grabbing that sharp, sharp blade.

Thud. Thud. Thud.

And then it was in her view once more. It hadn't changed at all. Still as large and towering. Still as cold and chilling. A beast of nature. A foul monster.

Its large beak-like mouth seemed to smile, human teeth filling it. It killed her, and it was back.

Was it going to do it again?

And again?

And again?

Eventually.... the thing spoke.

"Cmere and give me a kiss, I'm feelin romantical."

Chapter 61: Stabitha scissorhands

TITLE: Stabitha scissorhands
FEATURING THE CHARACTERS: joan, stabitha scarlet
WRITERS: rad-beese, caldwell:], soupy
RATED 18+

When Stabitha Scarlet went to her first appointment to figure out what'mst dafuq had just happened with the ghost sucking out years of her life, she considered that she'd never really thought that much about how hot Joan Kelly was. She just, didn't go to the doctor much. Maybe because she was avoiding thinking a
--------------------
bout the fact that she just had part of her soul rent asunder from her corporeal form. But that corporeal form was being poked and prodded by a doctor.
She could feel her heartbeat starting to quicken, and a slick of sweat ran down her spine.
"You look flush. Are you running a fever, too?"
--------------------
"What the fuck is going on!?" Cried out Stabitha, as she lashed towards the milfy doctor with one of her many, many, large knives.
"Stabitha, calm down! I need to run a few more tests."
Tests? She wasn't some experiment. On impulse alone, she sliced the doc clean in hal

Chapter 62

TITLE: mambo - no, monkey #5, feat. dj ditchling
FEATURING THE CHARACTERS: a ditchling, king kong
WRITERS: caldwell:], soupy, rad-beese
RATED 18+

 

King Kong storms through the streets of "downtown" Scarlet Hollow.
As if mine collapses, haunted libraries, and twinks turning into monsters wasn't enough, there's now a literal kaiju infesting the streets.
Everyone has run for the hills...
--------------------
All except for, a single ditchling. Not just any ditchling, but ditchling #5. It ambled towards the rampaging ape, not a thought in its undeveloped brain other than "compost that monkey".
--------------------
And so the ditchling decided to compost the monkey, but it didn't have a lot of weapons at its disposal, so it merely inserted its ovipositor into the giant monkey's toe and oviposited away frantically. The rampaging ape stared down at it in wonderment.

wtf????

was this thing even trying to do to him...?

He picked it up and looked at it, its sad little ovipositor dangling sadly in the breeze. "No."

Chapter 63: Won't you bee my honey?

TITLE: Won't you bee my honey?
FEATURING THE CHARACTERS: fuckable bees, mario mario
WRITERS: soupy, rad-beese, caldwell:]
RATED 18+

 

It was a hot, dry day for the swarm of bees, and oh were they feeling *hot*. I
--------------------
They alighted on Mario Mario and were startled to find that he had brought flowers for them, so they began pollinating the flowers, their fuzzy little bee butts wiggling invitingly.

Mario Mario was enchanted, and decided to ask if the bees would fuck him, which was a
--------------------
question that doesn't really need to be asked, considering they are incredibly fuckable bees.
Those stingers went into holes that Mario didn't even know he had. He was satiated, mentally, physically, and somehow, financially, as the bees stuck and sucked him.
"M-mama bee-a!" He cried, cumming not once, not twice, but thrice, in a weird bukake over the bees collective faces

Chapter 64: Voice of the girlballs

TITLE: Voice of the girlballs
FEATURING THE CHARACTERS: reese, approx. 6 inches, senor girlballs
WRITERS: caldwell:], soupy, eatham
RATED 18+

 

"Senor Girlballs! Senor Girlballs!"
The titular Senor Girlballs turns in (her?) seat, searching for the sound. It's small, squeakish, like that of a cartoon rat.
"Down here!"
Senor Girlballs looks down. Standing by (her?) feet is a six-inch tall Reese Kelly.
"Who the fuck are you?" (She?) asks. "Wait, I recognize you. You're that twink from that video game, aren't you? Scarlet Hollow?"
"That's me! Wait, it's a video game?!" He starts hyperventilating. "I thought being six inches tall was bad enough, and now you're telling me that my entire life is a VIDEO GAME?!?"
"Sorry to break it to ya, champ." She leans a gentle hand down for Reese to hop up into. "I thought you'd be taller, based on your sprites."
"I'm six-foot-something," he mutters. Everything about him is perfectly normal, with the exception of the fact that he's six inches fucking tall. "Distract me? I think I'm having an existential crisis, here."
"Hmmm. I could show you my girlballs?"
"Like the ones in your name?"
"The very same."
"That.... is very tempting... I could really use some more girlball references for some of my more explicit art," Reese muses. "I'll do it."
"On one condition," she states. "You have to show me your cock."
--------------------
Reese froze. He wasn't even his usual size right now, what did that mean for his Cock??
"Okay, fine. On 3."
Senor girlballs smirked.
"1... 2..-"
Before Senor Girlballs and 6inch Reese could strip in tandem, there was a knock at the cabin they were in.

"I'll get that." Said Girlballs, on account of the fact that she was the only person who could currently reach the doorknob.

Reese sighed in relief, due to the fact that he didn't have to be even more vulnerable than his current height implied.

Girlballs opened the creaking wooden door to... Some Strange anthropomorphic bird man?

"Hello... can I help you?"

"I'm here to slay a princess... is that you?"
--------------------
Senor Girlballs paused and blushed. Lil' Reese immediately knew that could only mean one thing. He gasped, "No it can't be! Don't tell me it's true Girlballs!"
She sighed in defeat, "Yes it's me, the princess." She said as she took off her comedic scooby doo esque mask revealing the princess. "It's a me, the princess."
The strange bird man, silently watching till now suddenly spoke up, "Oh well that's good I need to slay you." He said before immediately plunging the dagger that was hidden behind his back into Senor Girlballs/The princess's heart.
She instantly collapsed to the floor DEAD and lil' reese jumped in shock. "NOOOOO THE LOVE OF MY LIFE!!!" He said, the anger within him swelling us as he morbed into a now 12 inches tall mini Beese.
The bird man stood silently staring at the dead body and mini Beese as mini Beese ran over and bit at the bird man's ankle in rage and vengeance.
"YOUCH!" Birdman yelled as he fell to floor next to the princess/senor girlballs. Mini Beese seized the opportunity to finish him off going straight for his throat and drinking his blood.

Chapter 65: Headfirst slide into cooperstown

TITLE: Headfirst slide into cooperstown
FEATURING THE CHARACTERS: laura les (from 100 gecs), evil stella (stella if evil)
WRITERS: soupy, hayden, rad-beese
RATED 18+

 

"You're my LEAST favorite cryptid!" Scowled Evil and Fucked Up Stella. She was fed up with her girlfriend for the last time.

"Babe c'mon. We both KNOW you'd never make it in Hollywood. You can't even secure a MeatRice sponsership." The (blonde?) Woman replied.

Stella turned away, looking out of the airport window. The glass was tall, larger than life. Just like Stella's Evil ambitions.

"How else am I supposed to convince the world to forgo their Monster Loving ways, Laura? Who else will take on this task! I must save the world."

Laura shed a single tear, for the impending loss of her Love
--------------------
Finally, Evil Stella's seating number was called. She sighed, and reached forward to embrace Laura in one final hug.

"Remember me, Laura," Evil Stella said. "Remember me, as I know my mission."

They kissed. It was tender, sweet, with the taste of strawberry lipstick. Why lipstick has flavors, the author notes, he has no idea. She grabbed her bag and entered the plane.

Laura waived goodbye. They both knew this day was coming. It was planned for years, a precise strike to ruin the Monster Lover union. This was strategic and necessary. Multiple timelines relied on this specific moment. Many time travelers tried to fix this event - and every time, the timestream fractured into horrific entropy. Despite the horror this moment would cause, in spite of the hate, the anger, the death, this was important to life.

This was a canon event. This *had* to happen.

The door closed. The plane crept into the sky.

Laura looked at a nearby calendar. She knew this day would be important. Crucial. She would never forget.

September 11, 2001.
--------------------
Then Kool-Aid Man burst through the wall of the set room and said "PSYCH!!!!"

The test audience burst out laughing at the sudden change.

They had really thought the setup was going somewhere else, and they did NOT anticipate that this was simply a commercial for the brightly-colored sugary drink.

What WERE commercials these days?

Made no goddamn sense.

The advertisers handed out surveys, getting audience members to fill out an opinion poll, and 10/10 members said they would buy Kool-Aid knowing that the MAN had interrupted such a horrific setup, because nobody could Possibly.

Chapter 66: Filling the void with cream

TITLE: Filling the void with cream
FEATURING THE CHARACTERS: mayonnaise, dr kelly
WRITERS: hayden, seeker, wormboy
RATED 18+

 

She couldn't believe it. Dr. Kelly's son was dead. Tabitha Scarlet shot her son and dragged him outside, dousing him in gasoline and lighting the match. Her son's agonized screams filled the night sky for half an hour until all that remained was ash and dust.
Dr. Kelly didn't speak a word. Tabitha and that idiot cousin she brought laughed as they roasted marshmallows over the "Resse-be-que" and left.

Dr. Kelly's son was dead. Her world, her reason to live, her existence - gone. An empty void. Nothingness.

She wept, walking back into the house. She desired something, anything to fill this void. It hurt so bad, and if she filled it with *something*, maybe, just maybe, it would hurt less.

She stumbled into the kitchen and opened the fridge. Inside was the usual fruit, vegetables, and sauce she bought, but today, the general store had an unusual item on sale.

Mayonnaise. Thick, creamy, mayonnaise.
--------------------
She had always been curious, of course, but she hadn't had sex with a condiment since the one that had gotten her fempreg. She had had so little time to experiment in the years since having a son. But now she didn't have to worry about being walked in on. Now she could be as loud as she wanted. Hesitantly, she slid off her skinny jeans, and pulled her gock out of her panties, stroking it tenderly to get herself excited, before thrusting it into the jar. It was wet, but firm from age, much like herself. It was slippery, but warm (the fridge was broken).
--------------------
She pulled her dripping gock out of the jar, mayo splattering onto the floor. She wrapped her fingers around her throbbing mayo covered gock. She stroked the mayo up and down, having to use both hands as her gock was so large. The mayo was covering her palms and going between her fingers, white goo going everywhere.

She lifted her right hand off her gock and brought her pointed finger to her lips. Joan caressed her lips with her mayo cover finger, and then slowly licked her lips. Then she brought her fingers to her mouth and began to suck the mayo off every part of her hands. Her fingers, palms, and every crevice on it.

All the while, she worked the mayonnaise into her gock. Whenever too much mayo splattered off she scooped more out of the jar, applying copious amounts of the oily substance. Her gock exploded as she came, cum indistinguishable from ma

Chapter 67: Yule Shoot Your Eye Out

TITLE: Yule Shoot Your Eye Out
FEATURING THE CHARACTERS: santa clause, hatsune miku
WRITERS: seeker, eatham, caldwell:]
RATED 18+

 

"Oh shit oh shit oh shit." Miku Hatsune gasped. She hadn't seen the portly man round the corner, and had accidentally clocked him with her leek. Normally this would cause some minor bruising at worst, but the man in the red coat wasn't standing up. "He's gotta stand up, any second now." Blood began to pool around him. Santa Claus had died. The blue-haired 16 year old did not yet know the responsibility that would be thrust upon her by her accidental vegetable-related homicide.
--------------------
"Oh my heavens!" She screeched when she recognized who it was. Christmas was in 17 days and now THE Santa Claus was DEAD. She considered the possibility of doing a classic family Christmas movie plot and become Santa herself but 17 days wasn't enough time to grow a jolly white beard.
The only clear option was to use her fame to quickly release a new album to convert everyone to other religions, then nobody would celebrate Christmas and then she wouldn't have to save it.
--------------------
Or...
Miku-chan hatches a better plan. She's a got-dang international idol, for Christ's sake!
No pun intended.
She gets to work, pointing assistants and frantic fans every which way. Santa's rotting corpse dangles from above a stage, alit in fairy lights of every possible color. Spotlights point at him, and then swing down to Miku-chan.
She sings the best damn Christmas song to ever Christmas. It's got jolly! It's got joy! It's got gay apparel! You want orphans being loved? You got it! You want fruitcake? Honey, all the fruit and cake is right here on Hatsune Miku's ass. She flashes it. It looks exactly like a fruitcake.
When all is said and done, the studio is awash with tears over how beautiful it was.
The CDs are burnt. It's the night before Christmas, and all through the world, children grew tired, but the world is hers - so she gets to work.
Unfortunately, in order to play a CD, people need some way to play it, so when everyone wakes up at the ass-crack of dawn on December 25th, many tears are spent on being unable to hear the tune that she's put out.
It's a disaster for everyone involved. Hatsune Miku, vocaloid extraordinaire, falls from grace, just as Santa's dead body does from where it still was strung up on stage.
Rest in peace.

Chapter 68: avery and the orb, hopefully nothing *WEIRD* happens

TITLE: avery and the orb, hopefully nothing *WEIRD* happens
FEATURING THE CHARACTERS: avery, the orb
WRITERS: eatham, rad-beese, soupy
RATED 18+

 

Avery walks into Sybil's tea room early in the morning to pick up some tea, as has become tradition. Except on this peculiar morning Sybil is nowhere to be seen. They are about to turn around and leave to come back later when something in the corner of their eye catches their attention.
On the small table where Sybil typically does her tea readings lies a large glass orb with a scrawled note taped to it. Not one to leave notes unread Avery approaches the strange sphere and takes the note to read it.
In a old-fashioned cursive font a simple sentence is etched, "PEER INTO MY ORB AVERY

-Love Sybil :)"
Avery sits down and gets a closer look, upon nearing it the orb is filled with a swirling mist clouding its transparency. It slowly begins to part however, revealing...
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What everyone was up to in town, allowing them to look through each home like a skylight.

Their first thought was... Not Appropriate.

They decided as much as they would Like to Know some things, they would exercise some uncharacteristic self-restraint because that seemed a little bit... unethical... and they preferred everyone to KNOW and be HAPPY with them watching that sort of thing.

And so, they decided to watch what all of the Ditchlings were up to in town and see if they could figure out what was going on with the strange ritualistic spiral.

Tabitha's cousin was definitely Not Wrong about it being a very creepy spiral of corpses. A corpse crop circle. They stared at it, trying to figure out what it could POSSIBLY mean, and they just had no damn idea... but there was something weirdly mesmerizing about it, so they stared.

Ditchlings were... just kinda neat.

The suggestion about eating them was kinda growing on them and they wanted to eat them so badly.
--------------------
The Orb had done well to show them such... provocative creatures. Avery was enamoured. They spent all day at the diner just waiting to get off so they could pursue their new interest.

Usually the Orb would be the main draw to off hours... but now. Those fleshy, doughy creatures were just so... delicious to think about.

With the diner closed, Avery ventured into the woods. Anticipation heavy and mouth watering with the potential outcomes this autumn night would hold.

Avery had followed a faint wooden path when they spotted it. One of those moaning, groaning creatures. As slow and lethargic in movement as well as gutteral sounds. Avery approached it with little regard for consequence.

The creature ambled forward on mismatched limbs. It's rotten, worm like tongue reaching for Avery. Oh, how lovely it would be to taste-

Avery caught it by its rubbery scruff, the creature struggled, but could not withstand the strength of a human. Not yet.

Avery fled the woods to the sound of further cacophanous moans. The other gardeners wailing in response to their lost member.

Alone in their home, Avery set to work quickly with the writhing being.

A quick slice to its supple skull rendered it still. The rest should be easy work. Avery hummed as they processed their haul into a prized meal.

"Voila, Ditchling Pie."

Chapter 69: Butt Gayer

TITLE: Butt Gayer
FEATURING THE CHARACTERS: avery but gayer, kool aid man
WRITERS: rad-beese, wormboy, hayden
RATED 18+

 

"You're incredibly hot," said Stella, staring at Avery.

"So I'm told," said Avery, giving her a sly little wink. "But let's get started filming that video, we should be looking for Owl Man."

"I can't really focus until we fuck," she said. "You're just Too Hot, Avery. You're a Double Hot. It's driving me insane."

Nuts. Their plan to distract her with the Owl Man fell through.

"Sorry, Stella, I'm totally gay and I only look at you as a little sister," said Avery. "This isn't going to work."

"A... a SISTER?!" cried Stella, mortally offended. "But... I thought..."

"You thought wrong," said Avery. "Sorry, dawg. I'm completely Kinsey 6 Gay. I Need Cock."

At that moment, Kool-Aid Man burst through a wall and interrupted the two. "Did I hear you say you're GAY?!" he said. "GAY is OKAY! I'm GAY, we should be GAY TOGETHER!!!!"
--------------------
Avery rushed to the Kool-Aid man, grabbing his gloved hands. “Let’s run away together” Avery said.

“Oh course my new gay lover, I shall buy us a Kool-Aid mansion to live and fuck in for all our days!” Exclaimed Kool-Aid man!

And so Kool Aid man bought the Scarlet Manor, renovated it to an Kool-Aid mansion, and revitalized the town by building a kool-aid factory. The economy was booming in Scarlet Hollow, and so were the sounds coming from Avery and the Kool-Aid man’s bedroom. They were sucking and fucking like nobody’s business in the Kool-Aid mansion. Everything was going great for everyone. But then they sucked and fucked too much, and the Kool-Aid mansion cracked!
--------------------
"OOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHH NOOOOOOOOOOO!" cried the Kool-Aid man mid-climax. He knew the world he had built with his beloved Avery "Butt" Gayer was at stake.

The sound of cracking struck through the mansion. The walls began to fracture, and the floors fractured.

Avery, with their face splatted in cherry-flavored jizz, was also startled. "Hey, Mr. Aid, this is totally cool bruh."

"No, by beloved!" the Kool-Aid man replied. He knew the structural integrity of glass better than anyone, and the mansion was beyond his expertise. "The place is gonna bust, but without any liquid held within, it will collapse inward, killing you!"

Avery thought for a second. They always wanted a more interesting life, and getting their ass blasted and throat stretched on a daily basis was surely something new, and they'd do anything to preserve this newfound joy. Then, they remembered.

"Hey Mr. Aid, you know I did swimming competitions for years, right?"

"No," Kool-Aid man replied. "How is that relevant?"

"I have an idea."

Minutes pass. The Kool-Aid man was busting through walls like he never busted before, plowing them as hard as he was pounding Avery a few minutes ago. Speaking of, Avery was within Mr. Aid's container, swimming and holding their breath. It was slimier than regular Kool-Aid (don't ask) but it would be their salvation.

Finally, the two go out. The day was saved.

The yelled into the sky; "OHHHHHHHH YEAAAAAH!"

Chapter 70: Rock and Lettuce’s excellent adventure

TITLE: Rock and Lettuce’s excellent adventure
FEATURING THE CHARACTERS: lettuce ?, a non sentient rock (just rock
WRITERS: wormboy, caldwell:], seeker
RATED 18+

 

Lettuce grew up on a small farm, surrounded by their lettuce family. Then one day, people came and plucked them away. They were put on a truck and then put on shelves. Creatures walked by for hours, and lettuce got lightly showered, their leafy skin glistening in the grocery store lighting. One of the creatures picked it up and brought it home. It sat in a small drawer for days, feeling its leaves begin to wilt. Eventually they were fished out of the bottom of the fridge, and the creature tossed it onto the compost heap in the backyard. Lettuce bounced on the top, landing on a rock. It’s wet leaves caressed the rock’s surface.
--------------------
The days turned into nights and the nights turned into weeks and Lettuce continued to wilt and decay atop the rock. It felt some kind of connection to this rock. Why *this* rock, out of every other possible rock? Why was this rock here, atop the compost heap? Rocks are not compostable.
The weeks turn into months. Other Lettuces are thrown atop the original lettuce, but parts of it remain. The bacteria are born, grow, die, lather, rinse, repeat. The rock is sturdy and stiff and feels it all. Lettuce has become one with the rock, and the rock, one with Lettuce (and the other members of the compost heap).
All is well. All is peaceful.
Until one day, all is disturbed. An ungodly howl peals across the backyards of dozens, and a creature tears through. It's a beastly Reese Kelly, exercising his newgrown limbs.
Lettuce, though now just a mere scant memory of itself, has never experienced such excitement! It hopes Rock can come along. Rock thinks nothing, hopes nothing, because it's just a rock. But it, too, is torn from the compost heap in the disturbance, flying to parts unknown with its good friend, the Lettuce. Or, at least, what remains of it.
--------------------
Scraps of it, adorned with buckshot from Duke's massacre, littered the ground. The twink, the lettuce, and the innocence of poor Duke Calloway, died that day. The rock shakes, in what would seem to an observer to be an earthquake. The rock was not sentient, however, the lettuce's familial bond with it had given it a sense of companionship that's difficult to describe, similar to a child's love animating a toy in 1995's Toy Story. The rock had seen the lettuce grow from a seed, and to see now, on the beautiful night it lost its virginity, that it was so horribly murdfered, was enough to awaken a sense of loss that made the rock almost feel. Alive. A single tear dripped down the rock, anyone passing by mistaking it from a droplet from a recent rainstorm. The rock had lost everything, but it was still a rock. it couldn't tell anyone anything, because rocks cannot speak. So no one would ever know.
No one could ever know.