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Tan Zaozao's video had an immediate effect on Lin Qiushi. He sobbed watching it and for a long time after, while Ruan Nanzhu awkwardly rubbed his shoulder. But they were good tears. Her farewell message had lanced Lin Qiushi's stupor and allowed him to grieve. Ruan Nanzhu had been unsure what to do when Lin Qiushi was practically catatonic, and he wasn't quite sure what to do now that Lin Qiushi was awake but raw. But Lin Qiushi was also the strongest person he knew. Ruan Nanzhu decided to trust in that.
Lin Qiushi still ate alone in his room that night, but he was down early for breakfast. He seemed a little fresher, a little clearer, if shaky. Nanzhu still felt hollowed out; he watched Zaozao's video twice more by himself in private, furious with her, grateful, and confused. He should have anticipated this. Zaozao could be silly and flighty, but she had mastered the end game. Ruan Nanzhu's job had been to get her there.
He was thinking about it in his office when Lin Qiushi knocked on the door. Ruan Nanzhu invited him in. Instead of sitting down, Qiushi leaned against the wall by Ruan Nanzhu's desk, arms loosely crossed, looking at him speculatively.
Nanzhu leaned forward. "What is it? Do you need anything?" Anything he could do, he would.
"I've made a decision," Lin Qiushi said.
"Oh," said Ruan Nanzhu. "About what?"
"I'm not going to be ruled by fear," said Lin Qiushi. "Just because I might lose something… That's no reason not to fight to have it. Our lives are too short to choose regret. Especially… especially when I know it will be worth it." He paused. "Do you understand?"
Ruan Nanzhu's whole life distilled into a single point and collapsed. It was even more terrifying and exhilarating than he could have anticipated. For a long beat - too long - he didn't trust himself to speak. Lin Qiushi just continued looking at him, brave and so beautiful it could break his heart. Lin Qiushi had been breaking and mending his heart just by existing for as long as Ruan Nanzhu had known him.
Nanzhu swallowed. His voice was too thick when he said, "Yes, I understand."
Lin Qiushi relaxed through his shoulders. Ruan Nanzhu instinctively wanted to find whatever it was that made him tense in the first place before remembering that it was him. "Can I come over tonight?"
For all the many, many times Ruan Nanzhu had pictured this moment, he had never imagined it like this. Mostly, he'd had seduction fantasies: Nanzhu beguiling Lin Qiushi into hypnotized surrender, sometimes as Ruan Baijie, sometimes not. Of course, this was how it actually went down, though. Lin Qiushi just asking for what he wanted.
Over the roar of white noise in his head, he knew he should still say no. Qiushi was strong and kind and clever and so gorgeous it hurt to look at him, but Ruan Nanzhu had a job to do here. Lin Qiushi was operating under the assumption of hope, which Ruan Nanzhu knew was nonexistent. This would hurt him immeasurably, and Nanzhu's entire function in both the virtual and the real world was to keep Lin Qiushi from harm.
Ruan Nanzhu cleared his throat. "Please. I'd like that a lot."
Lin Qiushi grinned. Ruan Nanzhu felt dizzy. "Great! Great. I'll - uh. You're working. I'll leave you alone. Until later?"
"Later," Nanzhu confirmed. When Lin Qiushi closed the door behind him, Ruan Nanzhu put his head in his hands and breathed.
***
He recognized this was entirely his own fault. Every time there had been an opportunity to make a mistake, Ruan Nanzhu had taken it.
Ruan Nanzhu had been at peace with being a program because everything, even living things, was essentially programmed. Humans also had drives and compulsions they didn't always understand, which kept them alive or fulfilled a purpose. Ruan Nanzhu's were just slightly more explicit. That knowledge provided clarity, which served him well. His performance was impeccable. Ruan Nanzhu had mastered both the door world and the real world. He had found some people who were useful, intelligent, or both, and they treated each other with respectful equanimity. He had been content, in the sense that it would never have occurred to him to interrogate his own emotional state.
When he found Lin Qiushi… he still didn't mind what he was, but he realized the paucity of what he had known. He had understood life by reading a copy of a copy. All of a sudden, he experienced the thrill of direct exposure. It was heady. Often, he hated it.
The most immediate thing he had realized was that he had never before actually known what it was to want something.
Ruan Nanzhu frequently played little games. He liked to wind people up and watch them go, of course, but he played them with himself too. He set himself little challenges, goals, or reminders to amuse himself or keep himself focused. It was useful, or at least a way to pass the time.
For the first few months after Lin Qiushi joined Obsidian, Ruan Nanzhu's main game was to tell himself, with an air of paternalistic amusement, that no one had ever died from not having sex. Even if there was a genial sun god in his kitchen drinking a protein shake after a run, Nanzhu was not going to die from not getting to push him up against the counter and lick the sweat off his chest. Maybe he wanted, with a desperation he could barely understand, to sink to his knees in front of him, and hear Lin Qiushi's surprised gasp as Ruan Nanzhi felt out the bulge in his shorts with his mouth, but that wasn't a terminal condition.
The problem was that it still felt like it might be terminal quite a lot of the time. Ruan Nanzhu stared at his computer monitor, unseeing, and realized that he had spent those initial months acting concussed, and it was coming back to bite him. He had been bewildered and in denial, trying to push Lin Qiushi away at the same time he was doing everything in his power to fuck him. If he had been honest with himself, he could have gotten a grip on this sooner, set parameters and expectations. As it was, he felt a bit like a dog who had finally caught the car.
Ruan Nanzhu had at least stopped deluding himself as his respect for Lin Qiushi solidified. Over the months, they had turned from master and novice to partners. Friends, really, which was a surprise of its own, learning how much he valued this friendship. His desire for Lin remained a leaden, sullen weight low in his stomach, but it was a waste of energy to fool himself about it anymore. These feelings were still stupid and incredibly dangerous, even more so, really, as they grew from infatuation to… this new phase. But he could bear the weight of it, protect Lin Qiushi even from himself, and became grimly resigned to being noble about the whole thing.
Lin Qiushi was frequently naive, but he was also brilliant. That had been a concern from the start, in many ways, but especially when he started cottoning onto Ruan Nanzhu's interest. Ruan Nanzhu had scrambled to pull from his old bag of tricks - deflection, obfuscation - but it hurt every time. It became harder to remember why it was necessary.
And then good people had died. More failures in a growing list.
Li Dongyuan had forgiven him without hesitation. Zaozao wanted them to live, and Lin Qiushi took that to mean she wanted them to have a life. Which Qiushi entirely deserved.
Nanzhu stood up abruptly, not sure where he was heading until he opened the door and went to the kitchen for a glass of water. It turned out he needed one, because Lin Qiushi and Chen Quanli were in the conversation pit playing video games. Lin Qiushi was gloriously animated, laughing for the first time in days, head thrown back, exposing the line of his throat, and Nanzhu had to put a hand on the wall to steady himself as his mouth went dry.
Chen Quanli noticed him first. "Ruan-ge! Are you okay?"
"I'm fine," Nanzhu said, straightening up as inconspicuously as he could.
Quanli remained worried. "You look clammy! Do you think you're getting sick?"
"Oh no, Ruan Nanzhu, do you have a fever?" Lin Qiushi said, with an edge of syrupy concern. It was the same voice he used when he was interrogating people behind the door. He was sitting with his legs splayed out, controller resting on the cut of his thigh.
"I don't," Ruan Nanzhu said.
"I hope not," said Lin Qiushi with that same disingenuous tone. "Everyone knows you can't engage in vigorous exercise if you have a fever."
Chen Quanli didn't even break stride. There was a special place in heaven for the idiots. "Yeah, if Ruan-ge's sick, he shouldn't work out today."
"I bet he'll recover by tonight," Lin Quishi said. And winked.
Ruan Nanzhu abruptly became aware of two things: 1) For the first time in fourteen agonizing months, Lin Quishi was deliberately flirting with him. He wasn't wonderful at it, but the attempt was there. 2) Far from being the kind person Ruan Nanzhu had always believed him to be, Lin Qiushi was actually diabolical because he had known what asking to meet that night would do to Nanzhu and still initiated their conversation at eleven in the morning.
Ruan Nanzhu straightened his jacket and gathered his dignity. "I'm perfectly fine. Isn't there anything else you two should be doing?"
"Nah, it's just R&R today. No one's got a door for a minute, and downtime is important." Chen Quanli said, attention returning to the screen. Lin Qiushi, however, kept smiling at him, mostly soft and delighted but almost edging into a smirk.
Being put on the back foot twice in the same hour in two different ways was an unpleasant experience for Ruan Nanzhu, but at least it gave him some focus. He got himself a glass of water, feeling Qiushi's gaze on the back of his neck like a physical heat, and turned back towards his office. "Tell everyone I'll need some privacy for a few hours."
"Rest up," Qiushi called after him. Had he always been a monster? Nanzhu was equal parts poleaxed, impressed, and dismayed. He grunted and marched back to his office, where he spent two hours aggressively trolling a stranger on the forums for their mediocre interpretation of the clues for a Level 3 door.
Not that it mattered much, practically, but Ruan Nanzhu occasionally wondered if he had been coded to want Lin Qiushi this badly. Maybe it was intended to be a failsafe to ensure he would be invested in shepherding them both safely to the twelfth door. Intuitively, though, he doubted it. It wouldn't be a particularly elegant solution. Wanting Lin Qiushi made Nanzhu feel insane half the time, and struggle for discipline. Also, Lin Qiushi was objectively captivating; Nanzhu saw how others reacted to him. Even when they first met, when Lin Qiushi was unpolished and blunted from a difficult life, he'd had that light. Ruan Nanzhu just had the misfortune of being a moth.
Ruan Nanzhu worked hard to cultivate a certain image and encouraged the assumptions others made about him. But his knowledge of sex and romance came largely from pop culture, like most people's. He hadn't known any obvious solutions for when he saw Lin Qiushi the first time outside of beta testing. Ruan Nanzhu had turned around from the wolf and the prop he'd used to kill it, saw Lin Qiushi out of breath in the snow, and been flattened by longing. The thought had appeared in his head, crystalline and perfect: I want to fuck this man. And that was before Lin Qiushi went on to - as a first-time rookie - not just beat the door but deconstruct it. He didn't just play the game well; he found a new win condition. Qiushi was adept at solving puzzles, but, more significantly, he instinctively brought the story to its conclusion. He was simple and too trusting, but at the doors he was a genius. He was a genius and Ruan Nanzhu had spent days at a time feeling physically ill that he couldn't give him a blowjob.
He had to conclude from Lin Qiushi's behavior this morning that he hadn't been as subtle an operator as he had assumed. When the person you were trying to bed was as cheerfully oblivious as Lin Qiushi had been for most of their partnership, you got a little careless. So Lin Qiushi could take most of the blame for that. Still, if Lin Qiushi was going to spend the next ten hours crowing about how Nanzhu was sitting here boiling with lust, that was obviously unacceptable.
Ruan Nanzhu was the master of the sudden pivot. He went online and made some reservations.
Lin Qiushi was in his bedroom reading when Ruan Nanzhu materialized in his doorframe. Ruan Nanzhu watched his fingers curl around the edge of the book for a minute before Lin Qiushi noticed him. Lin Qiushi smiled, slow and sweet like the sunrise. "Hey."
Forget the doors. This was going to kill him. "Are you busy?"
Lin Qiushi sat up slightly, hand on one knee. "Not really."
"Come with me."
"Where are we going?" Lin Qiushi said, so trusting, putting his book down.
"It's a surprise."
Lin Qiushi raised his eyebrows. "A surprise? Okay." He stood up and got one of his ugly jackets from the closet. He was wearing a brown pullover underneath, the knit soft where it nestled against his throat. "Do you want me to drive?"
"If you drive, it's not a surprise," Ruan Nanzhu said. "You had to know I wouldn't fall for that."
Lin Qiushi snorted as he zipped his coat, not denying the attempt. "I also want to live long enough to get to the surprise."
Ruan Nanzhu felt the corner of his lip twitch up. "Lucky for you, no one has ever died from excellent driving. Let's go, I don't want to be late."
In Ruan Nanzhu's estimation, he was an incredible driver because he understood which rules of the road to take seriously and which ones to ignore. In Lin Qiushi's, Ruan Nanzhu was, quote, 'a maniac, how can you be so methodical behind the doors and then drive like this??' When they pulled up to the Mandarin Oriental and parked for valet service, Lin Qiushi had to grab onto Ruan Nanzhu's shoulder for a moment and wheeze, which still only validated Ruan Nanzhu's point because it proved they had made great time. It took another second for Lin Qiushi to orient himself, eyes widening as he took it in. "A hotel?"
"Checkmate," Ruan Nanzhu said.
"Checkmate?" Lin Qiush's brows beetled.
"Chen Fei stays up the latest," Ruan Nanzhu said. "He's usually in bed well after midnight. I didn't think you wanted to wait that long."
Sometimes Lin Qiushi gave him a long, thorough look, like he could see Ruan Nanzhu completely and liked everything about him. That was impossible, clearly. There was so much of Ruan Nanzhu he'd never let Qiushi know about, but it made his heart seize in his chest every time. He wanted to believe it.
"You're right," Lin Qiushi said. "I don't."
There was an immediate change in Lin Qiushi's energy. Ruan Nanzhu could feel it as they checked in at the front desk, shoulders almost touching. Lin Qiushi had a quiet thrum to him now. He was courteous as ever to the concierge, who was very surprised they didn't have luggage and emphatically refused a doorman escort, although she tried to sweep it over with impeccable customer service, but Ruan Nanzhu felt the coiled tension in him as they walked through the lobby. It wasn't unlike his body language at the entrance of a door.
Ruan Nanzhu tried to look straight ahead in the elevator, as it felt like the only way to keep even a modicum of composure. Still, he could see Lin Qiushi's reflection in the polished brass, glancing at him and then away again, biting down on a smile. "I hope this is okay," he heard himself blurt out.
"What do you mean?" asked Lin Qiushi.
I've taken so many choices away from you. "You don't always like surprises. I hope this isn't…"
Lin Qiushi took his hand and squeezed it. Nanzhu jolted. Lin Qiushi said, "No, this is good. I'm really… I'm really happy right now, Nanzhu."
That was enough, wasn't it? It had to be enough. Ruan Nanzhu dared to look at him, letting him see the full measure of what Nanzhu knew was in his expression. "Me too."
The elevator opened directly into the suite. (The penthouse would have been overkill, Ruan Nanzhu realized even in the fugue state in which he booked this room, but he did want as much privacy as possible.) Ruan Nanzhu was slightly dismayed that Lin Qiushi went immediately into hotel mode, looking out the window and pointing out all the USB ports. Ruan Nanzhu hung his coat in the closet while Lin Qiushi checked out the bathroom. "Whoah, Ruan Nanzhu! You should see this tub! And there are so many soaps!"
"They're probably not all soap," Ruan Nanzhu said. You have no idea how wonderful you are.
Lin Qiushi came out of the bathroom and took stock of him. He slowly ambled over. Ruan Nanzhu felt himself tense up.
"I'm sure there's also lotions and things," Nanzhu said. "Conditioners."
Lin Qiushi stood in front of him. Sometimes he made good use of the half-inch he had on Ruan Nanzhu. "It took me way too long to figure out what that look meant."
His heart was a wild tattoo in his chest. "You see me better than anyone."
Lin Qiushi reached out and cradled Nanzhu's elbow in his hand. "You can do it if you want."
Ruan Nanzhu grabbed him before he was consciously aware of moving, hands cupping Lin Qiushi's face as he devoured his mouth with a ferocity that made Lin Qiushi stagger back a few paces. Lin Quishi gave back in kind though, kissing him like a floodgate had opened. Nanzhu crowded in, clutching the back of Lin Qiushi's sweater as he pulled their bodies flush. He made a sound into Qiushi's mouth as he felt the hard contours of his chest, his thighs, a stiff ridge that could only be his dick, oh god, Qiushi's dick, he had never seen it but it was perfect, he knew it had to be perfect, he had thought about it every day for over a year.
He had to break the kiss, overwhelmed, and gasped against the hollow of Lin Qiushi's throat. He took the opportunity to grab his ass though, making Lin Qiushi squeak. His ass was also perfect, but that Ruan Nanzhu had already known. This was absolutely going to kill him.
At least Lin Qiushi was equally stunned, clearly clinging to Ruan Nanzhu to keep himself upright. "Oh my god."
"Fuck," Ruan Nanzhu agreed.
"You're amazing," Lin Qiushi said, and tilted his chin up to kiss him again. It was still wild and they were clumsy, teeth knocking together, but even that was good. He could taste Lin Qiushi - his tongue and his lips, feel the breath puffing from his nose. Suddenly, it wasn't enough and Ruan Nanzhu pushed Lin Qiushi onto the bed and straddled him, pinning his arms down. Lin Qiushi looked up at him, panting, the light inside of him almost a material force in the room.
"I'm going to ruin you," Ruan Nanzhu said. "I'm going to fuck you until you break. You're mine. You've always been mine. No one else gets you. No one else even gets to look at you anymore. Tell me you understand."
"Oh man," Lin Qiushi said, head falling back on the bed. His cock was a cartoonishly obvious bulge in his pants. "I knew you'd get psychotic about this..."
Ruan Nanzhu pushed him further into the mattress. "Tell me you understand."
"I understand!" Lin Qiushi yelped. "I understand. Just kiss me again, okay, Nanzhu? I understand."
Nanzhu let go of his arms to pull him up by the hair back into another kiss, biting at Lin Qiushi's mouth. He had to stop long enough to unbutton and pull off his shirt, Qiushi sitting up a little bit and trying to help, but mostly getting their fingers tangled together. Nanzhu finally yanked it off and threw it across the room. Lin Qiushi immediately put his hands on him, making Nanzhu hiss when he grazed his nipple. It made Qiushi look a little nervous, misunderstanding the noise. "I've never… well, you know I haven't done this before."
It seemed irrelevant that Ruan Nanzhu hadn't either. He assumed his code was about as good as muscle memory. "It doesn't matter. It's fine. It's great."
"It's great?" Lin Qiushi asked skeptically, taking off his own shirt. The sudden expanse of him, all that skin, drove all other thoughts from Ruan Nanzhu's head, and he started in on Lin Qiushi's fly with shaking hands.
"I like you so much," Lin Qiushi said as Ruan Nanzhu started yanking down his pants and boxers. "I just - I think I've always liked you, even before I knew I did. I've wanted this for so long."
"You have no fucking idea," Ruan Nanzhu said flatly. Because then - oh god. Lin Qiushi's cock was free, thick and pretty and so hard it rested against his stomach. He almost wanted to cry.
He tore his gaze away long enough to look Lin Qiushi in the eyes, which was almost as good. Lin Qiushi was flushed deep through his cheeks, hair already a disaster from how Ruan Nanzhu had been mauling it. He looked excited, maybe a shade nervous, but he really did seem happy. Ruan Nanzhu could give him this. He was going to betray him and break his heart, but at least he could give him this.
"You're going to come in my mouth," he told Lin Qiushi.
Lin Qiushi's eyes went wide, understanding correctly that it was a marching order. "Okay."
That was a lot of big talk and now Ruan Nanzhu had to deliver. He wrapped a hand around the base, silky, warm, a little tacky. Lin Qiushi hitched a breath and Ruan Nanzhu licked the head with the broad flat of his tongue. Tears really did prick at the corners of his eyes at that.
Lin Qiushi made a loud sound and covered his mouth with his hand. Ruan Nanzhu's head shot up. "No. Let me hear you." He stopped and assessed: Lin Qiushi was starting to look a little glazed, a little overwhelmed. Ruan Nanzhu forced himself to take a few deep breaths. It was difficult when he was this tense, but he made himself soften slightly. "That's why we're here, sweetheart. We're all alone and we have nothing but time. I want to hear you. I want to know how much you like it."
It helped. Lin Qiushi nodded, relaxing, and leaned back against the bed. Ruan Nanzhu gave him a reassuring little smile and leaned down to do it again, keeping eye contact this time. Lin Qiushi's head rolled back, and he moaned loud. Ruan Nanzhu's dick throbbed in his pants. He thought maybe he could come from just this if he let himself.
Ruan Nanzhu went back to work in earnest, tucking the head into his mouth and sucking. It felt so good. Why on earth did putting someone's dick in his mouth feel this good? He rubbed against the bed a little, his fly biting into his own cock uncomfortably, as he took Lin Qiushi deeper. Lin Qiushi was inside him now. That's why it felt so good.
Ruan Nanzhu swallowed him down as far as he could. Lin Qiushi wasn't as big as he himself was, but still enough for a pleasant ache in his jaw. His lips met his hand wrapped around the base, which he twisted as he started to suck. He couldn't crowd in quite as close as he wanted since they hadn't gotten Lin Qiushi's pants off all the way, but that let him look up at him. Lin Qiushi was up on his elbow, gasping like he was running at full gallop, staring at Ruan Nanshi with a hazy sort of wonder.
Ruan Nanzhu whimpered and the vibration made Lin Qiushi shout, "Fuck!" and come with a thrust that knocked his pelvic bone into Ruan Nanzhu's chin. Nanzhu pushed his hip down, burying his nose in Lin Qiushi's pubic hair, taking as much of him as he could while he swallowed and Lin Qiushi softened in his mouth.
"Ow," Lin Qiushi said plaintively after a moment. Ruan conceded and let him go, breathing hard himself. He was a little furious that he had to stop, and also furious that it had been categorically the best thing he'd ever experienced in his life. He had assumed - maybe hoped was a better word - that the thrill had been in the chase, and he would calm down once he made conquest. Instead, he wanted to do it again, immediately. Do more than that. Rip off a chunk of Lin Qiushi and eat him. Instead, he pressed kisses into Lin Qiushi's hipbone while Lin Qiushi played with his hair. His own cock was throbbing like it needed medical attention, but that felt secondary.
"I probably should have held out longer than that," Lin Qiushi said eventually, an edge of a laugh to it. Not really sheepish but maybe a little. "That probably wasn't very suave."
"You were perfect," Ruan Nanzhu said. His voice was hoarse. He took Lin Qiushi's hand and kissed his palm. "You're perfect. You're always perfect."
Lin Qiushi cupped his cheek. "I like that you think that," he said. He was a little quiet, a little serious, like he was talking about something deeper.
If there was anything Ruan Nanzhu was currently not in the mood for, it was deeper conversation. "Turn over."
Lin Qiushi shook his head. "I want to see you."
"Linlin," Ruan Nanzhu said in a patient tone. "You've never been fucked before. Fingers will hurt at first, and they won't be enough for you to be ready to take my dick, even if I use three, which, let's face it, I'm probably going to do just for fun. I'm going to lick your asshole open until you're loose. So turn over."
Lin Qiushi's jaw hung open, and then he shut it with a click. After a beat, he said, "Okay, but let's get undressed first."
"You always have such good ideas," Ruan Nanzhu purred. He shoved Lin Qiushi's pants and boxers down to his ankles and Lin Qiushi kicked them off. As he unbuckled his own belt and took off his trousers, he heard Lin Qiushi make a distressed noise and looked up, alarmed.
Lin Qiushi was staring at Ruan Nanzhu's dick, half transfixed, half queasy. "Oh my god."
Ruan Nanzhu went immediately smug and languid, lounging back with his hips thrust up just enough to present. "Like what you see?"
"How?" asked Lin Quishi. "You're so skinny."
"I'm lithe," Ruan Nanzhu said, miffed. He jacked himself slowly, gratified when Lin Qiushi went even redder and rubbed his hand over his face. "Think you can take it?"
"Honestly, I'm not sure," Lin Qiushi said, like he was genuinely thinking it through. "You might have to rim me for a while."
Ruan Nanzhu surprised them both by laughing. He crawled up Lin Qiushi's chest to kiss him again, arms around his neck. It felt easy now. Playful. "I adore you. You know that?"
"I'm getting the idea," Lin Qiushi said. He took Ruan Nanzhu's hand in his and kissed his fingers.
"Can I just look at you? For a minute," Ruan Nanzhu said. His voice came out slightly timid, and he did his best to hide a wince.
Lin Qiushi raised his eyebrows slightly, but leaned back on the bed. "Go ahead," he said, gently. Maybe he understood.
Ruan Nanzhu sat back on his heels, drinking Lin Qiushi in. He was on the skinny side himself, but his time with Obsidian had changed him. He had broadened through the shoulders, cords of muscles in his arms and thighs. Slightly rounded chest and flat stomach with a sprinkling of hair. His cock - fuck Nanzhu and his nonexistent ancestors, it was a spectacular fucking cock - lay spent against his hip. Ruan Nanzhu's throat swelled with feeling, or maybe it was words. Either way, he swallowed it down.
"You're gorgeous," he said instead, which at least was true. He always tried to offer Lin Qiushi whatever truth he could. It was the only real gift he could give him. Lin Qiushi grabbed him by the arms and pulled him into another kiss. Ruan Nanzhu went readily.
"You're so handsome it's ridiculous," Lin Qiushi said into his mouth. "It's like, comical. It's almost embarrassing to have a crush on you because it's such a basic thing to do. Of course I did. Who wouldn't? I think for a while it blocked me from realizing I actually liked you."
Huh. "But you do like me," Ruan Nanzhu prompted. "You like me the most, right?"
Ruan Nanzhu felt more than saw Lin Qiushi roll his eyes. "Yes, Ruan Nanzhu. I like you the most."
"Of anybody?"
Lin Qiushi laughed. "You are such a narcissist! Yes, Ruan Nanzhu, I like you the most out of anybody."
"I like you the most out of anybody, too," Ruan Nanzhu said. "Now roll over."
Lin Qiushi went willingly this time. He pillowed his head on his arms, looking to the side, scanning the wall. Ruan Nanzhu stroked down the soft skin of his back. Let me have this, he thought. "Please. I'll do whatever needs to be done, but first let me have this for as long as I can.
"I really do," he said. "Like you the most out of everyone." You're the entire reason I'm alive.
Lin Qiushi made a soft sound. "Go on. I trust you."
He might as well have stabbed him. Ruan Nanzhu blinked it away. He needed to focus. He centered himself on Lin Qiushi's ass, which was a masterwork, muscular and just round enough to be tantalizing. He kissed the dip of Lin Qiushi's spine. Lin Qiushi shuddered so Ruan Nanzhu did it again, then kissed a cheek right in the middle, laving his tongue. Lin Qiushi choked out a cry and Ruan Nanzhu spread him apart, kissing the furl at his center before giving it a tentative lick.
Lin Qiushi made an explosive noise. Nanzhu grinned, confident Lin Qiushi could feel it. He went to work then, hands planted on Lin Qiushi's ass to keep him spread as he licked inside him, fighting against the tension into that gripping heat. He lost himself in the rhythm of it, licking, sucking, kissing. Spearing inside, which got easier each time as Lin Qiushi relaxed. This was incredible too, mostly because he could tell how incredible it was for Lin Qiushi, who clearly hadn't been expecting to like it and wasn't sure how to handle it now that he did.
Lin Qiushi got himself on his elbows, rocking back into Ruan Nanzhu's face, moaning so loudly Ruan Nanzhu was a little worried they actually wouldn't be able to do this back at Obsidian Headquarters. He was also hard again, Ruan Nanzhu noted gleefully, and he stopped what he was doing, cheek resting on Lin Qiushi's lower back, as he snaked an arm around to grab his cock and stroke him.
Lin Qiushi sobbed at that. His ass clenched around nothing and Ruan Nanzhu understood. Lin Qiushi was suddenly empty but his cock was finally getting attention and he didn't know how to navigate the contradictory feelings. Miraculously, there was another complimentary bottle of lotion on the nightstand and Ruanzhu fumbled for it, pouring some on his fingers and throwing it to the floor. He was worried it still wouldn't be enough, but Lin Quishi was so open from Nanzhu's mouth, the finger went in easily and Lin Qiushi's arms gave out as he collapsed on the bed, sobbing with relief.
"It's okay," Ruan Nanzhu murmured. He kept a firm grip on Lin Qiushi's dick as he moved in and out of his hole a few times, adjusting Lin Qiushi to it, before finding his prostate. Lin Qiushi wailed so loudly it must have hurt his throat. "It's okay," Ruan Nanzhu said. He kissed Qiushi's hip, crooking his finger, coaxing Qiushi into a rhythm. "It's okay, I'm here. I've got you. You're doing so well, you're so beautiful. I've got you. I'll die before I let anything bad happen to you."
"You're a fucking menace," Lin Qiushi said, muffled into the pillow. He turned his head to look at Ruan Nanzhu. He was beet red, face wet with sweat. Ruan Nanzhu felt like an artist, looking at that face. "Do more."
"More fingers?"
"Yes! I don't know. Maybe. I don't know how this works! Whatever you're doing, do more of it."
"Who knew you'd be such a pillow princess," Ruan Nanzhu said thoughtfully. Lin Qiushi clearly didn't know what that meant, but sensed it was derogatory and scowled. Ruan Nanzhu took pity on him and withdrew. He spread the lotion to a second finger, even more anxious it wouldn't be enough. Lin Qiushi was hot as blood when he entered him again, flexing around him. "See, I'm nice."
Lin Qiushi did not appear convinced of that, but then his eyes rolled to the back of his head, so it clearly stopped mattering. Being cavalier had worked well so far, so Ruan Nanzhu pulled out again in order to press three fingers back inside. He met more resistance, but not enough to stop. Lin Qiushi's cock was dripping onto the blanket, neglected since Ruan Nanzhu had lost track of it, enjoying moving Lin Qiushi's body into a rhythm with his fingers instead. It felt like conducting the tide. Ruan Nanzhu wished there was any conceivable way to put Qiushi's dick in his mouth again and was thinking through the geometry of it, but just then Lin Qiushi jolted like he'd been electrocuted.
"I'm going to come again," Lin Qiushi said, with a dazed sort of clarity, like he was having an out-of-body experience. Ruan Nanzhu had never been prouder of himself in his life.
"You're amazing," he said, voice stuck in his chest. He sounded so sweet, though, so doting, even to his own ears. "Do it for me, sweetheart. Come for me. Just for me. You're so beautiful, you can do it, do it for me, Lingling, please…"
Lin Quishi sobbed again and came, shooting hard, collapsing fully on the bed as he shuddered. Ruan held him as he came down, stroking his side, kissing his face, murmuring comforting nonsense. There had been so many times he'd wanted to do this. Just this. Just care for Lin Qiushi the way he needed. Lin Qiushi was so strong, but the world behind the doors was brutal and gunning for Lin Qiushi specifically. Ruan Nanzhu had ached to hold him when he saw him grappling with all that pain. It felt like the only real way to let Qiushi know Ruan Nanzhu would always protect him. It was such a privilege to be able to protect him.
"I need to protect you, too," Lin Qiushi said. He rolled onto his back, wiping tears and sweat off his face. Ruan Nanzhu was horrified to realize he'd just said all of that out loud. "We're partners, Nanzhu. From now on, you need to understand that."
"Of course we are," Ruan Nanzhu said, but Lin Qiushi pulled a face. Nanzhu had been much too placating.
"I'm serious," Lin Qiushi said. He reached out and stroked Ruan Nanzhu's mouth with his thumb. Ruan Nanzhu sucked it in briefly but Lin Qiushi pulled it away again. Ruan Nanzhu made a sound of disappointment that he couldn't contain. Fuck, what was happening to him?
"From now on, I protect you too," Lin Qiushi said, not noticing that Ruan Nanzhu was having an identity crisis. He sounded stern, or at least as stern as someone could sound right after they had been fucked into space. "I know I can't convince you that you also deserve protection, but please at least listen to me about this. I know we can't… what happens behind the doors happens. But if something happened to you because of me? Who even am I without you anymore, Ruan Nanzhu? Don't do that to me. Let me at least be able to tell myself I did everything I could. Maybe that way I can survive it."
Ruan Nanzhu blinked. His ears were ringing. This wonderful man. Ask me for anything else. Anything else. I'd burn down the world for you. I'd storm heaven. I'd raze hell. I'd make it all over again in your image if it meant you'd be happy and safe. I'd do it for an eternity and I'd do it gladly, even if I never got to see you again, or touch you, but please don't ask me for the only thing I can't give you.
"Okay," he said. "You're right. Partners."
Lin Qiushi smiled. Ruan Nanzhu took the opportunity to lunge forward and kiss him again. Lin Qiushi kissed back enthusiastically at first, then made a disapproving noise and wiggled away. "This is what I'm talking about," he said, grabbing Ruan Nanzhu's still-hard cock. He continued lecturing as Ruan Nanzhu's vision whited out. "When were you going to take your turn and fuck me?"
"You're hot when you're mad," Ruan Nanzhu slurred, hips moving. "Just wanted to see what else you would say."
Lin Qiushi huffed a laugh. He was mapping Ruan Nanzhu's cock with his hands, but sort of absently, looking around. "We need oil or something for this part, right? Did you bring any?"
"What?" Ruan Nanzhu gasped. "No…"
Lin Qiushi frowned. "Really, you forgot? That's not like you."
"I didn't forget. High end… high end hotels like this usually cater to all their guests' needs," Ruan Nanzhu lied. Well, it sounded pretty plausible, maybe it was true. He clutched at the blanket. "We could.. We could call room service…" That would probably take at least twenty minutes. "No! No, fuck, we can't, we have lotion, let's use lotion, the bottle's on the floor."
Lin Qiushi laughed in earnest. "You really are something," he said and kissed the tip of Ruan Nanzhu's nose. So sweet. He thought it must be a trick at first, or that Lin Qiushi was stupid. But no, he was just sweet. "Stay put. I'll go get it."
"I really, really want to fuck you," Ruan Nanzhu said weakly and likely unnecessarily. "A lot."
Lin Qiushi plopped on the bed next to him, opening the lotion bottle. He took Ruan Nanzhu's hand and turned it palm up, squeezing on a generous dollop. "I know. And hey! Now you get to!"
It occurred to Ruan Nanzhu that a sexually confident Lin Qiushi might be incredibly dangerous, but that seemed like a problem for another time. Feeling like he was moving underwater, he got back on his knees. "Lie back down." Lin Qiushi obeyed, and Ruan Nanzhu spent a few minutes positioning him, propping him up against the headboard, tucking pillows behind his lower back. He moved between Lin Qiushi's legs, wrapping them around him. Lin Qiushi's dick twitched once from anticipation but he wasn't quite ready yet. Ruan Nanzhu was determined to change that.
He touched Lin Qiushi's hole again, gently in case it was raw. Lin Qiushi hissed but nodded impatiently, and Ruan Nanzhu went in deeper. He was flushed hot now and it probably hurt a little as Ruan Nanzhu slicked him up, but he stared at the ceiling peaceably, eyes fluttering.
Ruan Nanzhu wished there were enough words in the world to tell Lin Qiushi how beautiful he was. How perfect and lovely, how brave and clever, how solid and funny, how he was all the good things Ruan Nanzhu could think to name. He wished there were words enough to convey how Ruan Nanzhu was so sorry. How he would never do to him what he was one day going to do if there were any other choice. How even if he was going to shatter this man, who was probably the other half of his soul (if Nanzhu could flatter himself that he had a soul) it was in service of keeping him safe. And that it was for the best. The world would be fine without Ruan Nanzhu, but it certainly needed Lin Qiushi.
Maybe he even wished he had words for how Ruan Nanzhu would give Lin Qiushi what he wanted if he could. He'd consider finding a way to live because Nanzhu realized how much it would mean to him. But he couldn't. He simply didn't know how.
There weren't enough words, or at least Ruan Nanzhu didn't know them. But he knew how to do this.
Ruan Nanzhu entered him slowly, bracing himself with one hand holding Lin Qiushi's, the other on his hip. Fuck. Fuck, it was so good. He was so tight. Lin Qiushi gasped, arching up. He wiped the skin under Ruan Nanzhu's eye because, right, fuck, now Nanzhu was actually crying.
"It's okay," Lin Qiushi said, so gently. He hitched up his legs, wrapping them around Ruan Nanzhu's waist. "You're not hurting me. I think… I think I'm starting to like it."
"Starting to?" Ruan demanded. He still went slow though, little rolls of his hips.
Lin Qiushi laughed, a little choked. "I mean… I'm definitely getting… I get the point." He tried to bear down but Ruan stopped him, setting the pace. Lin Qiushi tolerated it for the length of several long, sweet breaths before he scrunched up his nose, frustrated and squirming. He was getting hard again.
Ruan Nanzhu took pity on him and picked up speed. Lin Qiushi dug his heels into Ruan Nanzhu's back and whined, "More, baby, please." And then the inevitable happened and Ruan Nanzhu lost his fucking mind.
He growled and bit Lin Qiushi's shoulder on his scar, just like he had wanted to do when he pulled Yi Manman off of him, breaking the skin so no one in the universe could doubt this man was his. He licked away little beads of blood as he fucked Lin Qiushi as hard as he could, knowing this was his equal and opposite and he could take it, that he would welcome anything Ruan Nanzhu wanted to do to him.
He fucked him until Lin Qiushi was fully hard and reached down and frantically jerked himself off, fucked him while he came hard again, miraculously, gasping for air. He craned his head down because come had splattered up to Lin Qiushi's chest and he licked it off of him so it mixed with the blood already in his mouth.
"I love you," he gasped. Probably it wasn't giving anything away. It must be obvious.
Lin Qiushi grinned up at him, eyes dark and bright. He was covered with sweat and blood and come, glittering. Shining. "I love you too," he said, cradling Ruan Nanzhu close. Ruan Nanzhu buried his face in Lin Qiushi's hair and let himself come.
It was intense. It felt like a wave ripping through him. He must have passed out, embarrassingly, because he had the only dream Ruan Nanzhu ever had, although he had it nearly every night: floating in a blue-black void filled with stars, feeling peaceful and sad and right in himself.
He woke up still on the bed, feeling slightly drugged. He cracked open one eye and, after some initial disorientation, saw that Lin Qiushi was lying next to him. He looked freshly showered and was wearing a hotel robe, eating a croissant and scrolling on his phone. Ruan Nanzhu's cock twitched at the sight and he groaned.
Lin Qiushi startled next to him and put down the croissant. "Oh, you're up! I wanted to let you sleep in. I did order room service after all, if you want any. How are you feeling?"
"Great," Ruan Nanzhu lied, rolling over. "Invigorated. How are you?"
Lin Qiushi snorted. "I'm actually good. You should have something to eat and take a shower when you're up for it. It really helped me a lot."
"In a minute," Ruan Nanzhu said, sitting up a bit. He got a second look at Lin Qiushi now that he was feeling more himself and noticed something. "Is that Zaozao's phone?"
Lin Qiushi looked down at his lap, mouth twisted up in a crooked half-smile. "I really miss her."
Ruan Nanzhu took his free hand. "So do I."
Lin Qiushi exhaled. He was quiet for a beat. "And I miss Li Dongyuan."
There was no way they were getting to the twelfth door without losing more people. "I do too."
Lin Qiushi took his hand and kissed his knuckle, getting it buttery from the pastry. "But I'm glad I have you."
Ruan Nanzhu felt the corners of his mouth twitch up. "Me too."
"Also," Lin Qiushi said, lightening his tone as he put his hands behind his head. "I've been thinking about it and this definitely wasn't checkmate."
"What are you talking about?" Ruan Nanzhu said, genuinely incredulous. "You don't think this was a good result?"
"Well yeah, sure, but when I said I might be interested, you dragged me to the fanciest hotel you could find and had your wicked way with me," Lin Qiushi said. "If you're trying to act cool and aloof, dropping twelve thousand yuan on a hotel room the minute I suggest maybe going out to dinner isn't exactly the winning play."
Ruan Nanzhu was stunned into silence. That was absolutely correct from no matter what angle he approached it. "That's not what happened," he said. "Also, shut up."
Lin Qiushi just laughed and handed him a raspberry danish. "Eat up. Get your strength back. We're doing that again when we get home."
"You're too bossy now. I regret everything," Ruan Nanzhu said, and Lin Qiushi laughed again and kissed him, because he didn't believe him.