Chapter Text
A young lady lies in her bedroom. It just so happens that today, the 4th of December, was meant to be this young woman's birthday. Unfortunately, as was the case for the preceding fourteen years, your mother is too intoxicated to organise any semblance of a celebration. Instead she has left a collection of IRONIC PRESENTS jammed in front of your bedroom door. This spiteful maneuver was an obvious attempt to trick you into leaving your room and engage in interaction with your mother. Her plan has completely fallen flat as she hadn’t considered that you were planning to spend your birthday in the comfort of your own room and the presents now blocking your door will act as an effective deterrent for any attempts of MOTHERLY AFFECTION. To execute this plan you have prepared a FEAST for the day ahead of you. This feast consists of some of your most beloved delicacies including but not limited to SOUR WORMS, a singular CAN OF PRINGLES, a pack of APPLES, a CHOCOLATE CAKE and several CARBONATED BEVERAGES. Legends of this day would surely echo throughout the furthest ring for an eternity.
Your day had started far earlier than usual due to the endless stream of pestering that seems to be pouring out of your chums. While you were well aware that you could have easily made them stop with as little as a simple message, you had still remained face down on your bed for at least 30 minutes due to your rather shitty sleep schedule. This schedule has formed due to rather HORRIFYING NIGHTMARES that seem to plague your dreams if you rest any earlier. You like to believe they are caused by the horrorterrors themselves speaking out to you but you are very aware of the dubious nature of their existence.
You are currently seated on your desk chair, waiting for your monitor to start up. You are met with the sight of three chums messaging you as well as a friend request from an unknown account. You decide to just tackle the list from top to bottom, although the mystery of a stranger adding you does pique your interest, especially when their pesterchum tag has the same initials as your own.
-- ectoBiologist[EB] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] --
EB: happy birthday rose!
EB: oh man i sure hope my present got to you in time.
EB: rose you there?
TT: Thank you for the birthday wishes and yes, I am here.
TT: You should be very well aware that I am not used to being awake the moment the sun gracefully rises above the horizon.
EB: finally.
EB: i have been waiting fourty minutes for you to reply.
EB: that is almost an entire hour rose.
EB: did you get my present.
TT: I can neither confirm nor deny the existence of such a present due to my Mother jamming all of my gifts in front of my door.
EB: uhhh cant you just move them rose, i dont think you thought this through at all!
TT: An astute observation, I could always just move them.
TT: But the presence of these gifts will act as a deterrent for Mom from entering my room, I would like to keep my birthday free from drunk guardians.
EB: ok but why don’t you quickly sneak out and look for my present.
EB: then you can open it and let me know just how great it is.
TT: While I am sure your present will be of great endearment, I have already prepared to not leave my room today.
TT: I have a veritable menagerie of select delicacies to enjoy so I am quite comfortable staying where I am.
EB: ok if you say so.
EB: on the topic of delicacies i think my dad has baked another cake for me.
EB: trust me there is only so much cake for breakfast i can eat before getting sick of it.
TT: Must be difficult to live with a father who actually cares for you and whose worst attribute is having a chronic baking addiction.
EB: you forgot about the HARLEQUINS.
TT: How could I let the notorious harlequins slip my mind.
EB: anyway talk to you later rose and have a good birthday.
-- ectoBiologist[EB] ceased pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] --
-- gardenGnostic[GG] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] --
GG: happy birthday rose :D
GG: i wasnt able to organise a present for you again this year…
GG: there was meant to be something to make up for it on johns birthday
GG: but i think i had the wrong timing…
GG: but thats ok because whenever it does come out im sure you will love it!
GG: i have to go because bec is bothering me but have a great birthday!!!
-- gardenGnostic[GG] ceased pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] --
-- turntechGodhead[TG] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] --
TG: yo rose happy birthday
TG: i just woke up to the noises of john pestering me non stop
TG: its like he was one of the bitches and he wasnt getting off my case until i finally gave him attention
TG: and the other bitches were begging like no dave i need you
TG: as if i had to ability to give an infinite amount of attention to every one of them
TG: but the only one worth giving it up for was egbert
TG: anyway he said you werent picking up so he started asking me about where you were
TG: and i pretty much just told him you were sleeping
TG: i mean when even was the last time you woke before like high noon
TG: your like some sorta cowboy who instead of being cool as shit and shooting a bullet in some guy
TG: you just suddenly wake up the moment the time hits midday
TG: he said something about a present you were meant to get
TG: i have no fucking clue how egbert gets all our presents together when we our birthdays are over three days
TG: except for his in april
TG: loser doesnt even get to join our merry chain of birthdays
TG: oh shit yeah i didnt get you a present yet
TG: had no clue what to get you
TG: and buying anything for you would lead to you psychoanalysing every part of it
TG: like if i got you a squiddle plushie or something you would probably come up with some shit about me having a fear of the ocean
TG: which i mean i havent even been to the ocean how would i be scared of it
TG: did you get johns present
TG: rose
TG: rose i can see that you are online
TT: Good morning Dave.
TT: In case you were curious I know exactly what it is like being woken up by someone who is quote, “like one of the bitches”.
TT: Your ceaseless monologues are always such delight to wake up to, particularly when they have little surface level substance.
TG: what the hell do you mean surface level substance
TG: this shit is so deep the hook is firmly attached
TT: On a surface level your words aren’t very deep, but the way you use them is very revealing to me.
TT: For example it is quite interesting how you compare John to one of your “bitches”.
TT: This could be interpreted as an attempt to hide your feelings for John under the pretense of a joke
TT: It is a very common tactic used by those who wish to continue being perceived as a heterosexual man.
TG: this is exactly what i mean rose
TG: a guy cant say a single thing without you scrutinizing every word
TG: also dont see why i would want to hide my nonexistent attraction towards john
TG: im not exactly a normal man anyway
TT: That may sound like an obvious conclusion but there are plenty who overcorrect in an effort to appear more “normal”.
TG: you have lost me
TG: oh fuck i forgot to tell you
TG: even though i couldnt organise a present in time i had a chat with bro
TG: he said you could come visit us soon
TG: i gave him your chumhandle so you could chat about the all details because i dont how this shit works
TG: ive never been on a plane
TG: do you need a passport or something to fly or is that only thing if you go overseas
TG: i dont even know if you can even go on your own at thirteen
TG: or if we are gonna have to drag your mother all the way to texas as well
TG: while she is passed out from drinking 2 entire bottles of vodka
TG: shit i mean fourteen forgot it was your birthday
TT: That explains the mysterious friend request I had received.
TT: Seems a bit strange to provide your teenage friend's pesterchum handle to your brother in his 30s.
TT: I am quite sure there is a certain saying about talking to adults you don’t know.
TT: Something about “stranger danger” I believe.
TG: ok come on rose
TG: bro would never be weird like that hes too cool for that shit
TT: This is the same Bro who runs the puppet porn sites am I correct?
TG: thats just his weird side hustle and its a perfectly fine way of making money
TG: everyone buying the shit is in the on the joke no one is getting their rocks off to some puppets
TG: i just think organising this holiday would be a lot easier with direct communication with him
TG: but if you want to have me act as a parrot in between the two of you then whatever
TT: My statements were made in jest.
TT: As much as your Bro is practically a stranger to me, I know how much trust you place in him.
TT: Regardless I doubt he would do anything considering I could tattle it straight to you.
TG: sweet
TG: oh yeah did you message john
TG: or get his gift
TG: if you already opened it tell me exactly what dorky shit he got you
TT: I have already messaged John and unfortunately I will not be leaving the confines of my room to check for it for a long while.
TT: My mother is already out and about on her housewife routine, likely 3 wine bottles deep and I want interaction to remain minimal.
TG: jesus i always forget how early she starts drinking
TG: bro almost never does except when a gig has gone horribly wrong or something
TG: it still sucks a metric fuck ton when he does so screw dealing with that everyday
TG: dont know how you do it
TT: You get used to planning out your day around it. Helps that I can tackle my homeschooling in the privacy of my own room.
TG: i mean i do the same shit with bro when i get tired of training
TG: my room is like this space where i can just chill out and fuck around
TG: not have to worry about some bullshit strife out of nowhere
TG: plus with the new place we actually have a god damn lounge room plus this tiny ass spare room
TG: bro has his own fucking room instead of just some joint living room bedroom deal
TT: Living in the peak of luxury I see.
TG: rose stfu you literally live in some fancy custom built white cube
TG: go message bro cause i want to know when i will finally be able to meet someone in real life
TG: i mean meet a friend in real life
TG: ofc ive met people when out and about but that shits different
TG: talk to you later rose
-- turntechGodhead[TG] ceased pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] --
How nice it would be if she actually respected the sanctity of your room. Before you message Dave’s Bro you realise it is a good idea to both grab something to eat as well as take your medication. You consider all of your options when it comes to the food in your wardrobe but instinctively know that an apple would be the most effective means of killing your hunger, your mother has a doctorate after all. When it comes to your medication you are far less prepared. You are seemingly at your last dosage of the small sugar coated tablets and only have a week's supply of the medication with a name very similar to that of a purple dragon. As glad as you are that she was instantly accepting when you were so young (hell you think she was even expecting it) she can never keep your medication stocked when the nearest chemist is an hour's drive away and she is almost never sober. You swallow the pills with a swig of lemonade as you slouch into your chair again. Your pesterchum window continues to flash between two shades of orange in an attempt to call your attention to the pending request.
-- tentacleTherapist[TT] began pestering timaeusTestified [TT] --
TT: Good morning, you are Dave’s brother I presume?
TT: Yes that would be me.
TT: Dave gave me your handle so we could talk through plans.
TT: The kid was the closest thing to excited I have ever seen him.
TT: Dave showing emotion? I can not dare to imagine it.
TT: It sure was a sight to behold.
TT: Dave said it was your birthday. Did you have any plans for it?
TT: If staying in my room, consuming various forms of sustenance and confection while perusing a selection of video games counts as plans then yes I do.
TT: No celebration or anything?
TT: I don’t see why we need to engage in small talk when this was meant to just establish a travel plan.
TT: I would prefer to get to know the girl who is planning on staying at my house before hauling said person all the way from New york.
TT: That is a sufficient explanation.
TT: To answer your previous question no, there are no celebrations.
TT: Mother is almost certainly far too intoxicated for anything beyond a slurred performance of “Happy Birthday To You”
TT: In the case that she wasn’t plastered, I still would prefer to be enjoying life to its fullest in the privacy of my room.
TT: I get that, trust me when I say I know full well how Roxy can get after a bottle or two.
TT: You know my mother?
TT: Hello are you still there?
TT: Sorry, internet went out for a bit.
TT: We used to work together.
TT: I guess it is as small of a world as they say.
TT: My mother has never actually mentioned what she does for work, I always assumed we were just living off of the inheritance of a dead relative.
TT: Could I pressure you into giving up any more details?
TT: I mean can’t really do anything to stop you.
TT: There is certain information I won’t be able to provide but go knock yourself out.
TT: I shall be left passed out on the floor by the end of conversation in that case but perhaps we should get back to the small talk you require to judge my character.
TT: All I have learnt about you so far is
TT: A: You dislike dealing with your mothers bullshit and
TT: B: You are a bit of a pretentious ass
TT: You truly know how to woo a lady.
TT: Can’t really complain considering I am a premium grade douche-bag myself, but it is an observation.
TT: Maybe we should start with a topic that could actually do with the trip.
TT: What video games do you usually play?
TT: May I ask how inquiring about the ways I prefer to spend my leisure contributes to our discussion regarding my potential visit?
TT: When people go on a vacation they tend to do it for the sake of leisure so my question sure has everything to do with the topic.
TT: Besides gotta make sure I don’t end up boring you to death otherwise I would have a child neglect charge on my hands.
TT: I highly doubt I would get bored, hearing Dave's incessant ramblings in person would likely be enough to keep my mind active for at least a few weeks.
TT: In terms of video games my palette for consuming such media heavily depends on both my mood and current state of mind.
TT: I usually end up playing some assortment of rogue-like indie games or the occasional first person shooter if Dave harasses me enough.
TT: No, I am not going to explain what a rogue-like is.
TT: Jeez, just cause I am older than you doesn’t mean I don’t keep track of the current video game landscape.
TT: Sorry, force of habit from far too many adults inquiring what games I play then proceeding to act like they had just heard the unintelligible noises of the old ones being projected straight from my mouth.
TT: To give them the benefit of the doubt I still have no clue what the difference between a “rogue-like” and “rogue-lite” is.
TT: I don’t think any being in reality has the answer to that question.
TT: We should be good in the gaming department then.
TT: Why don’t you try shooting me a question so we can continue this “get to know each other” routine a bit longer.
TT: Well my first question would be about how my mother and you have previously worked together.
TT: On second thought, if it has anything to do with your puppet porn sites I would prefer not to hear how she was involved.
TT: Don’t worry, if she was I would outright dismiss your question because I would prefer to not to discuss those sites with a child.
TT: I find it a bit reductive to simply refer to me as a “child” when I am two years into my journey as a teenager.
TT: That's what every teenager thinks.
TT: I used to work for this laboratory before they had to put a hold on the main project.
TT: Mostly just worked on data collection while your Mom was far more involved with the actually important research.
TT: She somehow was still great at her job despite being drunk enough to get thrown out of any bar for severe public intoxication.
TT: You are telling me my Mother was working as a scientist while still having her current drinking habits?
TT: I find that hard to believe considering that would involve her driving shitfaced for miles to then engage in some ambiguous “science”.
TT: Although…
TT: There is the Skaianet laboratory nearby.
TT: That would still leave the question of how you worked there when you are located all the way in Texas.
TT: I’m sure Dave would have told me if you were disappearing for days at a time.
TT: An explanation on that will have to wait, as I said earlier I need to keep certain details under wraps.
TT: Surely I will have the chance to pry you for this information later?
TT: Maybe if you are so curious I could accidentally let the information slip in the future, but not any time soon.
TT: Another question for you now.
TT: Any allergies or food preferences, don’t want a dead kid the moment they walk in the door if they happen to be allergic to oranges.
TT: No known allergies to speak of, if Dave ever wants John over you would have to watch out for peanuts.
TT: When it comes to my food preferences, I am never too picky, already used to working out my own meals with whatever I scrounge up in the kitchen.
TT: That makes things piss easy, I am a shit cook so if my cooking is too atrocious to eat then you are at least capable of making your own food.
TT: Guess it's your turn again.
TT: As much fun as you have been to talk to, I think it is about time to actually address the elephant in the room.
TT: The question of both when this is all happening and how is transport being handled?
TT: Dave originally wanted you to come up for Christmas but that plan already shit the bed since all the flights are booked out.
TT: Instead early January seems to be the best option although it would probably fuck with your schooling.
TT: Honestly Dave really should have asked me about this earlier instead of leaving it til last minute, maybe we could have avoided half of this headache.
TT: Good news for us then because as a matter of fact I am home-schooled. I doubt my Mother would mind me missing a week or two.
TT: It isn’t as if she is even the one teaching me, I handle most of it myself.
TT: Doesn’t seem particularly fair that you have to manage on your own but I’m not one to be talking.
TT: I usually just make sure Dave finishes his assessments and don’t care how he does with anything else.
TT: I have gotten used to it, just like I have gotten used to a myriad of other quirks her drinking habits provide.
TT: Trust me, it isn’t nearly as bad as it sounds.
TT: As I was saying, Adirondack Regional airport has daily flights to Boston and from there you will just catch one to Texas.
TT: Once you land there me and Dave will fetch you from the gate.
TT: I will pay for your tickets but when it comes to getting to the airport in the first place you are on your own.
TT: There are a few driver services listed on their site so just get your Mom to organize one of them because I doubt she would get sober just to drive you to an airport.
TT: That is a very reasonable assumption.
TT: Also while you may no longer consider yourself a “child”, flight companies sure as all hell do and I don’t particularly want to pay the extra $300 dollar fee.
TT: So we are just gonna bullshit and say you are 15.
TT: Oh my how unlawful and reckless.
TT: I am sure the police will be right on our tail.
TT: I myself am sure there is not even a pinch of sarcasm in your statement.
TT: Me, use sarcasm? That would be an absolutely outrageous claim to make Mr Strider.
TT: Just call me Bro instead of that pompous “Mr Strider” crap.
TT: I’m sorry?
TT: You want me to refer to you as “Bro”, is that correct?
TT: Yeah, got a problem with that?
TT: Not so much a problem as much as I just find the idea utterly ridiculous.
TT: Is this some way to compensate for your steadily declining connection to your youth by taking on this idealised role of a “Cool Bro”.
TT: By having other people refer to you as such perhaps it helps soothe a part of you that longs for the past, am I correct?
TT: I did not sign up for your psychobabble about how I prefer people refer to me.
TT: But you see Bro, you did sign up for it the moment you agreed to me coming over.
TT: It is a required part of the Rose Lalonde experience.
TT: Is this the part where I'm supposed to beg for mercy from a fourteen year old girl?
TT: Yes, that is exactly what is supposed to happen.
TT: Guess I am just going to have to suffer because I am never doing that.
TT: Never is a very strong word Mr Strider, perhaps you should rephrase that sentence.
TT: Let me rephrase, I will never do that.
TT: So you say but we shall see how that holds up with time.
TT: You aren’t as bad company as I had assumed based on the impression I got of you from Dave.
TT: I would go as far as to say this conversation may have even been good.
TT: Thanks for the compliment but you are only dealing with me over text, in person I am a whole different story.
TT: But if you have an inclination to ask me any more questions about your Moms work or just need to talk about her bullshit you have my handle.
TT: How chivalrous of you to hear a young lady's woes.
TT: I mean who else are you gonna talk to about it, her?
TT: I see a problem I can help fix, so I am doing just that.
TT: That was not meant to be a jab, just a lighthearted joke.
TT: I shall contact you again at a later point in time, goodbye Bro.
TT: See ya, try to enjoy your shitty birthday.
TT: I will try my hardest.
-- tentacleTherapist[TT] ceased pestering timaeusTestified [TT] --
As you go to close your pesterchum window you notice that two entire hours have passed. You suppose this is a natural consequence of Bro's tendency to spend a long time on each message but it never felt like that long. As a matter of fact you were thoroughly engaged partially due to intrigue but he also was simply fun to banter with. The flashing of your pesterchum window starts up again as a new message from Dave comes through.
-- turntechGodhead[TG] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] --
TG: rose how did chatting up bro go
TG: wait no not in that way
TG: i mean were you able to organise shit
TG: i sure as hell hope you have
TT: Why not just go ask him yourself if you are so curious.
TT: Are you not literally in the same living space?
TG: i mean you know how it is with me and him
TT: You know he wasn’t nearly as bad to talk to as you like to imply.
TG: when have i ever implied bro is hard to talk to
TG: we just get each others ironic bullshit to the level where we dont even need to talk
TG: just glance at each other in a way where we both just know exactly what we mean
TT: I guess I will take your word on it.
TT: We did work out some of the details of my vacation to the Strider household but we also talked about something far more intriguing.
TG: what would be more interesting then getting hauled from the middle of slender forest straight into the coolest place in the entire united states of america
TT: Did you know that Bro knows my Mother?
TG: wait what the fuck
TT: That was my reaction as well.
TT: Apparently they used to work together at some lab
TG: im pretty sure bro is just bullshitting you and you fell for it like an chump
TG: hahaha
TG: i cannot believe he was able to get you with you bullshit devoid of any sauce
TT: I have strongly considered the possibility of bullshit to be at play and it doesn’t seem very likely.
TT: He didn’t just call her ‘my mother’, he referred to her by name, something I know for a fact none of you know.
TG: i didnt even know your mum had a name
TG: kinda thought we all just had these vague ideas of guardian figures as caretakers not they were actually named
TG: that is a joke by the way
TG: now that i think about it i dont actually know bros name he has kinda always just been bro
TG: its actually a little fucking weird
TT: He seemingly wants to keep his true identity a secret from everyone he interacts with, even going so far as asking me to refer to him as “Bro”.
TT: I found it hilarious until I realised he was completely serious, then I simply found it hysterical.
TT: Him knowing my Mom’s name wasn’t the only detail that seemed to indicate he was being truthful.
TT: He had knowledge of the location of my residence, going so far as to point me to the nearest regional airport.
TT: Thus there are two options left for how he has this information: either your bro is stalking one of your fourteen year old internet friends or there is the much less incriminating answer, he simply used to work for skaianet and knew my Mom through it.
TG: im pretty sure i would know if bro was working for god damn skaianet
TG: we would be absolutely raking in the big bucks and getting the best gear instead of just making do with some shitty swords
TT: Just because a company is unfathomably rich doesn’t automatically mean they pay well.
TG: i mean if thats where your moms money comes from im pretty damn sure we would have fat stacks
TG: also how do you know its skaianet
TG: he could just be researching new ways to do expand his ironic smuppet business
TT: Most of the deduction was just noticing several context clues.
TT: We still haven’t worked out the exact date I am flying out to you so there is still plenty of time for me to dig a little deeper into this mystery.
TT: Did you want to play anything together and continue this conversation over voice chat?
TG: rose
TG: it is end of my goddamn homeschooling term i gotta finish my assessments
TG: just because you manage to knock everything out in half a second doesnt mean the rest of us dont have to suffer
TG: so its pretty fucking likely i gotta strife tonight anyway so gotta save some energy
TG: jesus fuck its already almost midday
TG: i gotta bounce
-- turntechGodhead[TG] ceased pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] --
With Dave now out of the picture you aren’t sure how well you are going to enjoy today. Your plan hinged on him being available and now it is ruined. While John was the only one of you who went to school, Jade would be busy handling her numerous interests and gaming wasn’t one of them. You let out a sigh and forcefully slam your head into your hands feeling completely stuck. Every year went the same way, you aren’t sure why you expected anything different.
Of course, you know this train of thought is just the result of teenage angst. Things were going to be different, you had a feeling your luck was going to change and despite luck being a made up concept, your belief in this statement seemingly makes it less fake. You were actually going to meet one of your friends in person and if that isn’t lady luck giving you her blessing, you aren’t sure what is.
Unfortunately that was all for future you to enjoy, not much has actually changed about your current situation. You continue to stare absentmindedly at your screen trying to come up with something to do. Everything you normally enjoy has still lost its meaning, you had hoped your tiny bout of optimism would fix that but it has done no such thing for you. All your chums were offline and everything felt like a chore to play. That was a misleading statement, all of them were offline except for one who you aren’t sure you should keep bugging for a myriad of reasons. You debate the option in your head for a few short minutes before deciding you might as well, you hadn’t finished planning by any stretch of the imagination anyway.
-- tentacleTherapist[TT] began pestering timaeusTestified [TT] --
TT: Sorry to bother you but would you be up for continuing our discussion?