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Ironically, it’s Peeta’s words that come to her.
If it weren’t for the baby.
The baby.
Katniss knew at the time that there was no baby, of course; yes, she’d been shocked, but her shock had everything to do with how impossible it was. The whole thing was a lie — except for the fact that Peeta has been in love with her since he was five years old; that part is true. But there was never a baby. There was never a toasting. Their families and friends didn’t know because there was nothing to know.
How could there have been, when things between her and Peeta had been so awful back in Twelve? (When she’d utterly broken his heart?)
Nothing had happened at all until they’d gotten back to the Capitol for the Quell, and by that point…
Katniss tries not to think about it.
Instead, she focuses her thoughts on the present. District Thirteen is an adjustment for sure. She doesn’t know how she would stand any of it without Peeta; if he’d truly been left in the Arena, or worse. She knows she would, of course; Katniss knows how to survive, even when she doesn’t want to, but it would be so much more difficult without Peeta by her side.
Peeta has, despite everything (or maybe because of everything) become a fixture in her life. She can’t fathom her life without him anymore. She knows she couldn’t have coped if he’d died, though she doesn’t know what, exactly, she would have done instead.
Maybe she’d have tried to kill President Snow herself; found some way to get to him without any of this.
But Peeta survived — Peeta is in Thirteen with her, and they’re even sharing a room (and a bed) because pretty much everyone except Finnick and Haymitch is buying into the secret romance angle this time, and they’re both smart enough to keep their mouths shut.
It isn’t Peeta that she goes to first, though.
It’s Finnick.
She doesn’t know why. She should go to Peeta — or maybe her mother, or Prim, or even Gale. But no; she goes to Finnick — one of the two people who can see through Katniss’s act when it comes to Peeta. Maybe that’s why.
He hasn’t stopped crying, not really, but she manages to rouse him long enough to get him aboveground, to the woods. Officially, this is her hunting time, not that Finnick has much experience with a bow and arrow. He has a new trident, but he isn’t using it.
There’s probably a delicate way to go about this, but Katniss has never been particularly gifted at subtlety or gentle lead-ins. She doesn’t know how to do this delicately.
She has no idea whether Thirteen is listening in (they probably are), but she doesn’t care. This will be news soon, anyway.
“I’m pregnant,” she says.
Finnick stops in his tracks. “I thought Peeta was lying.”
“He was. I — I mean, we didn’t do the toasting and secret marriage, or anything. And we didn’t…” She trails off, and despite her best efforts, she can feel herself starting to blush.
Fortunately, it’s Finnick. “I may not be a doctor, but even I know you need to have sex to get pregnant, Katniss.” He’s not teasing her — maybe he doesn’t even have the energy for that — just being straightforward.
And he’s right.
“It was only — we didn’t do it before the Quell was announced,” she finally says. “Only in the Capitol.” They haven’t even done it since getting to Thirteen, though she doesn’t entirely know why. Maybe it has to do with the sterile environment here. They at least have their own room, but somehow, that’s not quite enough, not with everything else going on.
Finnick nods. “And in the Capitol, there wasn’t enough time to know.” He pauses. “How did you find out?”
“The usual ways,” Katniss says, because she’s pretty sure Finnick knows enough to know what that means. “And then I had a medical exam.” That was all the confirmation she needed. If it weren’t for the baby. Peeta didn’t know. How could he have? No one could have. Not then.
“Have you told Peeta?”
“I haven’t told anyone.” Anyone except Finnick, anyway, and she isn’t sure she wants to tell anyone else. She wants to sit with this for a while and think about it. But how long until all of Thirteen knows? She’s not exactly a nobody around here.
She kind of expects Finnick to make some joke — but that Finnick isn’t here right now. This Finnick is worried sick about Annie. He’s probably thinking about Annie right now; about the family he might want to have with her someday.
So she isn’t totally surprised when he says, “You need to tell him. Before anyone else knows. Whatever happens, it needs to be your decision, but you still need to tell him.”
He doesn’t say that she would never be able to stand keeping this from him, but they both know it’s true. It’s Peeta, and…
Well, it’s Peeta, and isn’t that enough?
Katniss is a terrible liar, anyway.
“I’ll tell him,” she promises. “Tonight.”
For the rest of their two hours of relative freedom, she can’t stop thinking about it. She shouldn’t have been stupid enough to let this happen in the first place. As much as she wants to blame Peeta, she knows the whole thing was her idea. And now she has to live with the consequences, no matter what she chooses to do.
-
She wasn’t surprised when Peeta told her that he wanted to spend every possible minute of the rest of his life with her. That had been the plan before, and now… now, it was impossible to deny the reality that one of them would be dead soon.
She knew it was going to be her. It had to be her.
There was no way she’d let Peeta die. No way. Peeta had to be the one to make it out alive. He was too important to die, no matter that he felt the same way about her.
Peeta had killed, yes, but he wasn’t a killer like she was. Like the other tributes were. He needed to survive.
They didn’t talk about that, though. There was no point. Instead, she tugged him into her room without a word.
Despite being bothered by Johanna Mason stripping down to nothing in the elevator, Katniss really wasn’t overly bothered by nudity. She’d seen too much of her mother’s work to care that much.
She’d really only been bothered by Johanna because of the way she’d been looking at Peeta, anyway. At least that’s what Katniss told herself when she crossed to her dresser for pajamas. She didn’t duck into the bathroom to change.
Peeta was too respectful to stare at her, anyway.
He stripped down to his underwear, because neither of them wanted to risk being apart even long enough for him to grab some of his own pajamas from his room. She wasn’t sure she’d let him walk away if he’d tried.
She crawled into bed first. Peeta followed, curling up around her. Until that moment, she hadn’t realized how desperately she’d needed this; how desperately she’d needed Peeta. He was such a comforting, steady presence. He understood what she’d been through. He understood how she felt now.
His painting had only proven they were on the same wavelength.
So she wasn’t surprised when he shifted.
“What are you thinking about?” she asked.
“I want to do this forever,” he whispered. “I want to hold you every night for the rest of my life — and I know I might get that wish, but…”
But he wanted years, and not days.
“I know,” she said. In spite of herself, she did know. She wasn’t sure anyone else could ever bring her the comfort Peeta did. It wasn’t anything innate, of course; it could have just as easily been someone else. But after the Games?
The only people who understood her were the other Victors, and no one but Peeta had been in her Games with her. No one but Peeta was able to calm her like this.
It was better this way. Peeta would find someone else and get married. He’d have a family — she knew he wanted a family; a better one than either of them had had. Yes, the fear of watching his children be Reaped was there — it would always be there — but that wouldn’t stop him.
His children wouldn’t need any tesserae, either. Not that that guaranteed anything (look at how they’d both gotten there). But still.
She didn’t want to think about this. Didn’t want to think about a future she’d never get to see. She’d never get to see Prim grow up, either. Peeta would make sure she was okay, though. Katniss knew that. He was too good not to.
“Katniss,” he said.
His tone said everything. “I know,” she said again.
And then she did something she might come to regret: she turned in his arms and, without letting herself think twice about it, leaned in to kiss him softly on the lips.
Yes, there was every chance they were being spied on here, too, but there were no cameras broadcasting their every move to all of Panem. This wasn’t for anyone else’s benefit. This was because she wanted to.
Evidently, Peeta knew it, too, because he didn’t pull away or ask her what she was doing. He kissed her back, soft and sweet at first, but then he let more desperation bleed into it when she didn’t pull away. How could she pull away? Kissing Peeta made her feel warm and safe, and… it also made her hungry for more.
For a while, they just kissed.
Katniss knew Peeta didn’t expect anything more. He was more than content with this. He’d wanted her since they were five years old, and she needed his comfort, and even though she’d always feel guilty that he loved her so much, she couldn’t pull away from him now.
Her imminent death was what pushed her forward.
She needed this, and didn’t Peeta deserve this? He deserved one genuine memory with her; one he wouldn’t have to doubt.
And maybe she didn’t want to die a virgin, but more than anything, she needed to be with Peeta in any way she could. The clothes between them felt like too much all at once. The hunger deep in her stomach was going to devour her if she didn’t do anything.
She pulled away. It was best to be direct about these things, especially where Peeta was concerned. She wanted to be as honest with him as possible.
“I want to have sex.” It came out barely above a whisper, and she could feel her cheeks flush, but in the dim light… Peeta’s eyes widened.
“Are you sure?” he asked. Of course he did; he was Peeta.
She nodded. “Entirely.” And then she kissed him again.
When they broke apart this time, he said, “I’ve never,” which took her aback a little. Yeah, they were only sixteen when they were Reaped (they were only seventeen now), and there certainly hadn’t been anyone since, but Peeta was gorgeous. He was a merchant kid. He could have gotten anyone he wanted.
Except…
Except he’d wanted Katniss, and Katniss had never even noticed him.
She pushed that thought out of her head and focused on the here and now.
“Me, either,” she said, even though she thought it was probably obvious. If he’d had doubts before they were Reaped, surely he wouldn’t have any left now.
He smiled. “So this is the first time for both of us,” he said.
“It is,” she said with a nod. Somehow, that made her feel better.
It wasn’t like Peeta would have judged her, anyway, but it was reassuring to know that they were starting out on equal footing. Of course, this also meant that they were more or less equally clueless. They’d had basic sex education in school, and Katniss had heard plenty of stories about the slag heap, but this was real life.
This was Peeta.
His hands shook a little as he pulled her shirt off. She was about to ask if he was sure, but then she saw the awestruck look on his face when his gaze landed on her bare breasts. Katniss knew she wasn’t much to look at, especially in this department, but Peeta looked like he’d just seen the most beautiful thing in the world.
His gaze flitted to her face. “Have I mentioned lately that you’re beautiful?”
There was no guile or teasing in his voice. He meant it. It made Katniss shiver. She shook her head, at a loss for words.
“Well, you are,” he said. “Can I touch you?”
Trust Peeta to ask. It made Katniss’s stomach flutter, which made her feel stupid and kind of embarrassed, but it was Peeta, and she trusted him. So she nodded. “Please,” she said.
The first brush of his skin against the sensitive skin of her breasts made her gasp and arch into him. Peeta’s hands were warm and soft, and, after a second, he started to massage her. It felt even better. She breathed his name between sighs, biting back a moan until she realized there was no point.
These rooms were utterly soundproof, and even if they weren’t, what did it matter? She and Peeta were engaged, weren’t they? Everyone from the Capitol already thought they were having sex. Only — no; she couldn’t think about that. She pulled Peeta back in for another kiss.
Fuck.
In addition to the hunger in her belly, she started to feel a throbbing between her legs that she’d only felt a few times. She squeezed her legs together on instinct, but it didn’t do very much. She squirmed under his touch.
He looked up to meet her gaze. “Good?”
She nodded desperately. It was so good, but… “Peeta, touch me. Please.” She knew that his touch would make her feel better.
“I am touching you.”
He wasn’t teasing, but he was smiling. At least she wouldn’t have time to miss that. And he’d find someone else. He would.
With that on her mind, she took his hand and slid it down her pants, under her underwear. He cursed under his breath as she shifted her hips, trying to get friction, even though his hand wasn’t moving.
“Do you want me to take my clothes off?” she asked. She was already half naked, anyway, and his touch down there wasn’t quite enough. Not yet.
She expected him to throw in another qualifier about wanting, but he surprised her. “Yes.” His voice was hoarse, and when she met his gaze… she’d never been more sure of anything else in her life.
So she slid her pants and underwear down and kicked them off the rest of the way. Then, she spread her legs a bit wider and guided Peeta’s fingers to her clit. Thankfully, she’d touched herself before, even if this all-consuming hunger was new to her.
She showed him how to touch her, unable to stay still. Katniss knew when to stay still; she had excellent control of her body. Right now, though… there was no way she could exercise that level of self-restraint.
Peeta really was good, though. For a moment, she wondered whether he’d been lying, but — no. Peeta wouldn’t lie about something like that. He was just really good at paying attention — and paying attention to Katniss most of all.
“F-fuck, Peeta…” she managed, squirming under his touch.
“This is good, right?”
“So good,” she promised him. “I…” Her toes curled as he kept rubbing her in small circles. The feeling in her stomach was growing, now, and her body felt weird; she realized what was happening just a second before her orgasm hit her. She was peripherally aware that she cried out Peeta’s name, and maybe she pulled on his hair a bit too hard, but he didn’t seem to mind.
He kissed her jaw, her neck, her collarbone as she rode out her orgasm. It was the best feeling of her life, and it was all the better because it was with Peeta. She didn’t even have to force herself not to think now. Every thought was consumed by Peeta.
To her surprise, Peeta spread her open wider and slid a finger inside of her. She gasped, clutching at him. He gave her a moment to adjust. “Good?” he asked.
She nodded. “Good.”
He grinned and leaned in to kiss her. After a moment, he started to thrust his finger. It felt kind of weird to have someone else touching her like this, but in a good way. She couldn’t get enough of him. She wanted him everywhere all at once, as impossible as she knew that would be.
For now, she’d take this.
She whined at his touch as she started to roll her hips. “More.” Her voice came out breathy and needy, but Peeta didn’t tease her.
He was as desperate for her as she was for him.
His finger felt perfect, especially when he started going harder and faster; she moved her hips in rhythm with him, moaning at how amazing it all felt. She pulled him in for another kiss. She could swear her eyes rolled back in her head.
He adjusted his hand, rubbing her clit with his thumb. Her nails dug into his back as she clutched at him. She cried out his name, but the sound was muffled by his mouth on hers. It was almost a pity that he couldn’t hear her, but it wasn’t like she could stop kissing him.
Deep down, she knew why kissing Peeta had never felt like this before. There was no audience here; no one to impress. It was just the two of them.
This time, her orgasm built slowly and steadily. Peeta broke the kiss just to kiss her jaw and neck as he fucked her with his fingers. Her fingers tangled in his hair.
“Peeta…” She couldn’t think; she could barely breathe. All that mattered right now was Peeta. Nothing else. She couldn’t have forced herself to think of anyone else if she’d tried. She was entirely at his mercy. It should have been terrifying… but it was Peeta.
He crooked his fingers just the slightest bit and she came undone in his arms, crying out his name again. He fucked her through her orgasm, trailing kisses along her bare skin as he did so. It took her longer this time to come back to herself — she didn’t want to, not really — and when she did, she pulled him in for a kiss. “I want you inside me.”
He met her gaze, blue eyes wide and full of wonder. “Y-yeah,” he said. “Okay.”
“Are you sure?”
To her surprise, he huffed out a laugh. “I’ve never been more sure of anything in my life.” He leaned in to kiss her, soft and sweet. It was a testament to how far Katniss was gone that she was able to shut her thoughts out and focus on kissing him.
He slid his fingers out, and while she whined at the new feeling of emptiness (would she always feel empty now? Or was it just something she’d feel in bed?), he spread her legs wider and shifted to —
“How do you feel about being on top?” he asked.
She pulled back and blinked. On top?
Oh.
His tone was light, but it didn’t take long to figure out what he meant. His leg. She pushed any guilt about that aside.
“I can be on top,” she said.
Peeta’s smile was breathtaking. He shifted onto his back. She let him pull away, as much as she wanted to stay with him. She moved back just enough to take him in. Fuck, he was beautiful. She still didn’t know what she’d done to deserve Peeta’s love — this undying devotion that she could never live up to — but right now, she didn’t feel very guilty about it.
She just felt glad to have him.
She moved to straddle his hips. He’d never done this, either, so it wasn’t like he had much more of an idea of what to do, right?
“I guess I just…?”
He nodded. “Yeah. I think so.”
He helped her line herself up over his cock. She met his gaze as she started to sink down. She was glad she did. While the way he stretched and filled her felt amazing, it was nothing compared to the look on his face.
He loved her.
Her own feelings for him were less straightforward (or at least she thought so), but she knew she’d never be able to regret this. She wanted it to be Peeta; not out of any belief that he’d earned anything, but because he made her feel as safe and warm as she’d ever felt in her life.
“Fuck,” he breathed.
She nodded. “Yeah.”
He pulled her in for a kiss. The angle was a little weird, but she didn’t mind one bit. Slowly, tentatively, she started to move. It took a moment to figure out the best way to do it, but Peeta moaned into her mouth as he clutched tightly to her and… yeah, this was really nice.
She wasn’t sure it’d be half as good with someone she didn’t care about as much as she did Peeta, but she was with Peeta.
He moved with her. Together, they set a rhythm. She was sure it was a bit awkward, and that this was the kind of thing that people got better at with practice (she’d heard that last part again and again and again at school, and never understood what people meant or why they cared), but it was the two of them.
And Katniss could never regret this. She could never regret anything with Peeta; especially not now.
“Katniss…” His voice was shaking; she knew without him having to say it. “I’m close.”
He wanted to get her off again, but she was pretty sure he wouldn’t be able to manage it before he came himself. Besides, he’d already gotten her to come twice.
“You can come,” she told him. She leaned in to kiss him. “It’s okay, Peeta. This has all been amazing.”
Apparently, that was all it took. Peeta cried out her name as he came. The way his face twisted was adorable; she could only regret that she wouldn’t get to see it much. Even if they made the most of their remaining time… there wasn’t long left.
She wasn’t sure what to do when he came, so she kept riding him until she could feel him start to relax. She let herself lean into him, cuddling in close against his chest. His hand went to her hair.
“I love you,” he murmured, even though he must have known she wouldn’t say it back.
“You’re amazing,” she said instead. She couldn’t say nothing, and besides, it was the truth. Peeta was amazing. And he’d make someone else very happy long after she was dead.
Katniss didn’t believe that anything happened after someone died, but she still felt like she’d miss him, somehow. She knew for a fact he’d miss her. At least she could give him this much; they could give each other this much, because he was doing as much for her right now as she was for him.
They laid together for a few minutes. She drifted off to sleep in his arms, content, for once, that she wouldn’t have any nightmares. She never did next to him. For once, Katniss felt at peace. Any possible consequences of what they’d just done were the farthest thing from her mind.
After all, she wasn’t coming out of the arena.
-
She finds Peeta already in their room when she returns for 18:00 — Reflection. For once, she’s following her schedule, though she isn’t sure she’ll be able to leave the room now. She’s felt unmoored all day, and normally seeing Peeta would set her at ease, but now…
He looks up when she opens the door, smiling when he sees her. “Hey,” he says. “Haven’t seen you much today.”
There’s no accusation in his tone, of course. He’s Peeta. He’s probably just missed her.
For a second, she debates trying to play unaffected. But he’d know. Peeta will always know. It isn’t just that Katniss is a pretty terrible liar, but it’s also that Peeta knows her better than just about anyone else.
So she sits down on the bed. She tries to figure out the best way to say it.
“Katniss?”
In an instant, he’s next to her. She doesn’t even need to ask. He doesn’t say anything else, and she doesn’t need him to. She wants to lean in to him. She holds herself back.
“I had a medical exam,” she says after a minute, because that’s as good a place as any. She never told him about her concerns when her monthly cycle didn’t come — she wasn’t sure how — so the whole thing must be news to him.
He frowns, even more concerned now. “Is something wrong?”
She isn’t sure how to answer. Is something wrong? She doesn’t know. She’s not sure how Peeta will feel. All she knows is that she can’t beat around the bush here. She has to tell him the truth. Somehow, it’s much more difficult to talk to him than it was to talk to Finnick. Maybe because Finnick hasn’t ever had any real stake in this; not like Peeta has. She takes a deep breath.
“I think that depends on how you feel about actual pregnancy.” After all, all of Panem thinks she’s been pregnant, thanks to Peeta’s quick thinking.
He freezes, just for a moment. “You’re pregnant?” he asks. He doesn’t ask how. He knows how. Surely that night lives enshrined in his memory every bit as much as it does in hers.
She shrugs slightly, as if she’s unbothered, when in truth, she’s anything but. “I guess you were telling the truth after all.”
It’s not that simple, and they both know it. Still, he doesn’t argue. He moves closer to her and wraps his arm around her. “What do you need from me?” he asks, because of course he does.
He’s Peeta, and he’ll always be there for her. However she needs him.
She doesn’t deserve him. That much is crystal clear.
She doesn’t regret surviving — Peeta is still here, after all, and he’s safe, even if his entire family died, and she still doesn’t know how to talk to him about that when her loved ones are safe — but right now… surviving has provided them with a complication.
She knows Coin won’t be happy when she learns the truth, and how long will that take? She doesn’t think the doctors here are under any kind of oath to keep things private from Coin. She doesn’t think anyone is allowed to keep things private from Coin.
Coin still wants her to be the Mockingjay.
“What do you want, Katniss?” Peeta asks, drawing her out of her reverie.
It should be a simple enough question… but it’s one Katniss has never been used to asking herself. What she’s wanted has almost never factored into what she does. She has other people to worry about.
And while she does have other people to worry about… her family is safe. Prim even has her stupid, useless cat. (Katniss can’t regret her visit to Twelve after all; Prim has been so happy since Katniss brought the animal back.) Her mother is working to help people. Even Gale has his place.
Does Katniss?
Does she still have to worry about her loved ones? Everyone has enough to eat. The Capitol can’t touch them here. Everything she’s been fighting for…
“I don’t know,” she says.
She doesn’t know what she wants. She knows what Coin wants. She knows what the Capitol wants. But what does she want?
“That’s okay,” Peeta says. He strokes his hair. “I’ll be here. No matter what. Take all the time you need to decide.”
He still thinks she doesn’t want him.
It hits her like a blow to the chest.
Peeta thinks that Katniss doesn’t want him.
While Katniss is too practical to vow to keep a baby just to assure Peeta of her feelings… she does need to assure him in some way that she wants him. Otherwise… she truly couldn’t stand it. Peeta deserves to know.
She tries to find the words.
“I don’t want to lose you,” she says finally. “I couldn’t lose you. Peeta, I —” She what? Does she love him? Is she even capable of such a thing? “I need you,” she says. “And I want you. I want you in whatever way you’ll have me.”
He doesn’t protest, but she can tell he wants to. He remembers what happened in Twelve just as surely as she does. She hurt him. He’s done nothing but try to protect her, and she’s hurt him.
She can’t hurt him now.
“I mean it,” she insists. “I wouldn’t have done that with anyone else.” Maybe if the world were different, but as it stands… it isn’t. Things happened as they did, and Katniss has Peeta. Peeta has her. “I’m not saying that we have to get married, but… I’m not going anywhere, Peeta. Baby or no baby. I’m staying right here.”
He doesn’t ask her about the Mockingjay, or about their futures in Thirteen. Neither of them mention the war. How much easier it would have been if Peeta and Prim hadn’t been Reaped.
At the same time… Katniss would have done the same thing. Again and again and again. She doesn’t think this future with Peeta was inevitable, but in the here and now… does that matter?
Does it matter if it could have been Gale, once? That Peeta could have moved on if she’d died?
She’s here with Peeta now.
“Okay,” Peeta says softly. “I’m here, too. And I’ll be here, no matter what. Just tell me what you decide, and we’ll figure it out.”
She nods and leans into him gratefully. She doesn’t know what the future holds, but she knows that she can’t change the past. All any of them can do is move forward.
She’ll take the respite.