Epic chatfic

by Fandomsfan1

Summary:

Just a modern, human AU chatfic for Epic. There isn't much to say yet, but I'll change this if something comes up.

Notes:

After the war, everyone got home pretty quickly (ish).
No, the suitors won't be here.

Things that I'm changing for this:
Characters that are Gods in canon are still half-siblings here, just not related to characters that are mortal in canon.
Athena and Ares fought in the war.
Eurylochus, Polites, Perimedes, and Elpenor did not die. (I like them too much, okay?)

This WILL have headcanons. Here's some of them:
Transmasc and bisexual Ody
Transfem and demisexual Penelope
Pansexual Apollo
Aroace Athena (Badass in the arena!)
Polites is gay
Eurylochus is the straight friend.
Aeolus is genderfluid and pansexual. They collect all the genders.
The winions? NB aroace ICONS.

Everyone is ~30 in this. ^^
Telemachus exists, but probably won't show up. (He's 10-ish.)

 

I'm going to use so many emoticons, especially with the winions. And nobody can stop me. Also you can NOT convince me that Odysseus wouldn't use the 🥰 emoji. And one last thing, for this au fic, lotus is just a poisonous fruit. There' actually only one singular winion, and I will name them Winnie.

Chapter 1: Creating the gc

Polites has made a group chat with Eurylochus, Odysseus, Penelope, Ares, Athena, Aeolus, Hermes, Circe, Apollo, and Winnie

Polites changed everyone's usernames

I love my wife: Polites, what is this for?

Open arms: So we can all talk!

Eury: Why didn't I get a funny nickname

Open arms: Sorry Eury, I couldn't think of anything.

I love my wife: Hey I have an idea.

I love my wife changed Eury's name to Eurylotus

Eurylotus: Hey! >:(

Smartass: Why is this my nickname on here?

Open arms: Because you're super smart. :)

Airhead: I like mine! It makes me think of the candy.

Open arms: That was the intention.

Gremlin: >:3

Banana peels: I think I have the worst nickname here.

I love my wife: Penny!!! 🥰

I love my wife change Banana peels's name to Penny

Penny: Thank you, Ody.

I love my wife: :D

Smartass: You too are so cute it's disgusting.

Open arms: I think they're just cute.

Eurylotus: Of course you do.

Angry: WHY IS MY PHONE BLOWING UP

Gremlin: Polites made a group chat for us.

Angry: WELL WHY AM I HERE? AND WHY IS THIS MY NICKNAME?

Open arms: Because I didn't want anyone to be left out! And because you're angry all the time.

Eurylotus: Can we please change my name back?

I love my wife: No, but I'll let you have your revenge or whatever.

Eurylotus changed I love my wife's name to Manwhore

Manwhore: HEY! >:(

Eurylotus: You named me after a fruit. A POISONOUS fruit.

Manwhore: but you didn't have to call me a whore.

Eurylotus: Fine.

Eurylotus changed Manwhore's name to Bottom

Bottom: >:(

Penny: He's not wrong, Ody.

Bottom: Hey!

Eurylotus: HA!

Smartass: I've accidentally walked in on them doing it. Ody really is a bottom.

Bottom: ATHENA!!!

Penny: Let it go, Ody. They're not gonna change it.

Bottom: ...Fine. :(

Bottom has gone offline.

Penny has gone offline.

Eurylotus: ...Who wants to bet they're about to fuck?

Smartass: They are.

Open arms: How do you know?

Smartass: I'm picking Telemachus up to take him to the playground.

Open arms: Ooo tell him I say hi!

Smartass: He said hi back.

Open arms: Yay!!!

Eurylotus: I'm his favorite uncle though, right?

Open arms: No, I think I am!

Smartass: He said, "Uncle Eury is scary."

Eurylotus: What? I'm not scary. >:(

Smartass: You're "too strict," according to Telemachus.

Smartass has gone offline.

Open arms: Is Aeolus still here?

Airhead: Yep! I'm here!

Gremlin: And I'm just watching the chaos. >:3

Chapter 2: Chaos Incarnate

Sunshine is online

Sunshine: Hey why is this my name here?

Open arms: Because you're super optimistic and always see the bright side of things!

Dolphin is online

Dolphin: Hey can I invite my boyfriend?

Open arms: Of course!

Dolphin: Yay!!!

Dolphin has added Fortune teller to the chat.

Fortune teller: Why am I here?

Dolphin: Titi! Hi!!! Welcome to the chat.

Gremlin: Welcome to Hell! >:3

Open arms: It's not Hell!

Dolphin: It's just chaotic as hell.

Open arms: No!!!

Bottom: Yes, it is.

Open arms: ODY!! You're supposed to be on my side! >:(

Sunshine: I just backread, yeah this is chaotic.

Bottom has renamed the chat to Chaos

Open arms: ODY! >:(

Bottom: What?

Eurylotus changed Open arms's name to Open legs

Open legs: Hey!

Eurylotus: I know what you are, Poli.

Eurylotus: 🏳️‍🌈

Bottom: 🏳️‍🌈

Penny: 🏳️‍🌈

Dolphin: 🏳️‍🌈

Fortune teller: 🏳️‍🌈

Smartass: 🏳️‍🌈

Airhead: 🏳️‍🌈

Gremlin: 🏳️‍🌈

Sunshine: 🏳️‍🌈

Angry: 🏳️‍🌈

Puppeteer: 🏳️‍🌈

Open legs: I've been out for years, this isn't surprising.

Open legs: Also, Circe, you haven't said anything until now, and THIS is the first message you send?

Puppeteer: Yes.

Bottom has gone offline

Penny has gone offline

Open legs has gone offline

Gremlin: Oh they're FAWKIN'

Smartass: Please do not say it like that.

Gremlin: Why not? They're fawking

Smartass: Just say 'fucking' like a normal person.

Gremlin: GASP! Profanity!!!

Smartass: My name on this chat is "smartass" and you're worried about saying "fuck"?

Sunshine: Anyway, I'm gonna go play some music.

Sunshine has gone offline

Dolphin: I'm gonna give my boyfriend all the love and affection they could want.

Dolphin has gone offline

Fortune teller has gone offline

Notes:

I will die for they/he Tiresias. They're awesome. The idea to call Hermes "dolphin" was inspired by a Danny Motta clip where he calls him a dolphin in his reaction to the Vengance Saga because of his laugh.

Chapter 3: The girls and the gays

Open legs is online

Bottom is online

Penny is online

Open legs: Hey I have something to tell you all.

Bottom: WE have something to tell them, Poli.

Penny: We're in this together, okay?

Eurylotus is online

Dolphin is online

Fortune teller is online

Puppeteer is online

Sunshine is online

Smartass is online

Eurylotus: What's going on?

Puppeteer: Did something happen?

Open legs: No, no. Nothing happened.

Bottom: Nothing bad, anyway.

Open legs: The three of us - Ody, Penny, and I - are in a polyamorous relationship

Smartass: I KNEW IT!!! Eurylochus, you owe me $20.

Eury: Damn it!

Dolphin: Wait, you didn't know? I thought you all knew!

Puppeteer: I'm not surprised.

Fortune teller: I will admit I did not see this coming.

Open legs: Athena, Eurylochus, you had a bet on this?

Smartass: Yep. You're not as sneaky as you think.

Bottom: …Huh.

Eurylotus: And since it's relevant again-

Eurylotus changed Bottom's name to Manwhore

Manwhore: Really?

Eurylotus: Yes.

Penny: It's true, Ody.

Manwhore: Hey! >:(

Open legs: Anyway, Ody, can I come over? 🥺

Manwhore: Yeah, that should be fine.

Open legs: Yay! :D

Smartass: I'll come pick Telemachus up.

Penny: I'm going to get my nails done and I'm bringing him with me. He's been wanting to paint his nails since I last did mine. If you meet me at the salon at noon, you can take him to the park after.

Smartass: Okay, I'll see you then.

Penny is offline

Smartass is offline

Eurylotus is offline

Manwhore is offline

Open legs is offline

Sunny: Can we please change my name?

Dolphin: Fine

Dolphin changed Sunny's name to 🏳‍🌈

🏳‍🌈: Really?

Dolphin: Yes.

🏳‍🌈: Please change it.

Dolphin: No.

🏳‍🌈: Please?

Dolphin: No.

🏳‍🌈: I hate you.

Dolphin: How dare you.

Fortune teller: Hermes, please come back to bed.

Dolphin: Darling, it's 10:30 in the morning.

Fortune teller: I want to cuddle.

Dolphin: Cuddle? Or use me as a pillow and keep sleeping?

Fortune teller: Yes.

Dolphin: Fine, I'm coming, darling!!

Dolphin is offline

Fortune teller is offline

Puppeteer: I'm gonna go, my girlfriend needs me.

Puppeteer is offline

🏳‍🌈: Am I the only one in this chat that's single? Not counting Athena and Winnie.

Airhead is online

Airhead: Nope! I'm single, too.

Airhead is offline

🏳‍🌈: *sigh*

🏳‍🌈 is offline

Notes:

I really like the idea of Polites, Odysseus, and Penelope being in a polyamorous relationship. For clarification, they're in a V-relationship, with Ody being involved with both Polites and Penelope, but Polites and Penelope NOT being involved with each other. I like imagining that they have a more friendly dynamic, and I might explore that a bit more in a later chapter.

Am I delusional about Hermes and Tiresias? Yeah, probably. Am I gonna stop shipping them? Absolutely not.

Chapter 4: Later that day

Notes:

Warning: There is a karen-like character that shows up, but she is dealt with before she can say much. There isn't any outright homophobia, but it can kinda be read as being homophobic, though I didn't write it with that intention.

Also, I gave Zeus's kids daddy issues. Because c'mon, it's Zeus.

Direct messages

Smartass is online

Smartass: Hey, I'm here.

Penny is online

Penny: Great! Although you're a bit early. Telemachus is getting his nails done now. You shouldn't wait out in the car, come in.

Smartass: Alright, thank you.

Penny: Don't thank me, Athena. This will make his day.

Smartass is offline

Penny is offline

---

Athena shut her phone off and put it in her pocket. She got out of her car and walked towards the entrance of the building, stepping inside and immediately getting hit with a cool air. She looked around for a moment before spotting Penelope and Telemachus.

Athena walked over, quickly noting that Telemachus was painting his nails a dark blue-ish purple.

"Hello."

"Aunty Athena!!!" Telemachus exclaimed, smiling.

"Telemachus," Penelope started, "if you're good, aunty Athena will take you to the park after this."

"Okay!"

Athena pat Telemachus's head and Telemachus started kicking his feet, watching as the worker painted his nails.

They heard the door open and paid no mind to it until they heard footsteps approaching.

Athena looked towards the footsteps and saw a woman, about 40 and alone, coming towards them.

"Excuse me, you shouldn't be letting your son paint his nails. It's girly-" Before the woman could continue, Penelope spoke up.

"He wanted to paint his nails, so I let him. Simple as that. Please leave us alone."

The worker spoke up next.

"This establishment is for people of all genders, races, sexualities, religions, and others. We do not tolerate hatred or bigotry here. If a boy painting his nails bothers you, kindly leave."

The lady looked enraged, but left after a moment.

"I didn't think she'd actually leave so quickly." Penelope sounded surprised.

"Yeah, people like her don't usually give up so easily."

---

The rest of the day went by smoothly. Once the worker was finished and Penelope paid, she took a picture of Telemachus' nails, and sent it to the group chat.

"I can take him to the park now." Athena said.

Penelope thanked her, and Telemachus beamed, walking with Athena to her car and getting in.

Athena drove to the park, and got out with Telemachus.

---

Telemachus and Athena spent a couple hours at the park, Athena just watched as Telemachus ran around and played with some other kids.

When it was time to leave, Athena called Telemachus over and he said bye to the other kids.

They got in Athena's car and she sent a quick text to Odysseus, and then started driving to drop Telemachus off.

It only took about 10 minutes of driving, and once Athena parked the car, she and Telemachus walked to the door.

Penelope opened the door.

"Hey." Athena greeted.

"Hey. Thanks for taking him." Penelope thanked as Telemachus walked in and started heading to his room.

---

Open legs: How was everyone's day?

🏳️‍🌈: I played some music went archering with my sister. :)

Dolphin: Speaking of, we should add her!

🏳️‍🌈: Is that okay?

Open legs: Yeah!

🏳️‍🌈 added No bitches to the chat

No bitches: What the fuck. Change my username.

🏳️‍🌈: No. :)

No bitches: Fine, but I need everyone to know that it's BY CHOICE. I'M AROACE, DUMBASS.

🏳️‍🌈: I know.

🏳️‍🌈: HEY I'M NOT A DUMBASS!

No bitches: Sure, but you're a huge slut!

🏳️‍🌈: I AM NOT!

Smartass: Yes you are.

No bitches: You're just like dad.

🏳️‍🌈: DO NOT compare me to him.

🏳️‍🌈 has gone offline

Smartass: That was too far, Artemis.

No bitches: …Shit.

No bitches has gone offline

Smartass has gone offline

Dolphin: The girls are fightinggg. ✨️

Dolphin has gone offline