The Universe replied, "Let this pass you by."

by pawology

Summary:

I wrote this at 6am

Chapter 1: You're all I ever think about

Summary:

Leon writes a diary entry about how he feels about Leo, however he has mixed feelings

I've been thinking about them ever since I portaled to their dimension by accident.

However, they aren't quite fond of me but that's something that makes me want to get closer to them in a way. I mean, how couldn't they like me? I'm Leon! Clearly they didn't care about that, they were just me from a different dimension after all but their words stung and lingered with me for awhile.

" Not only are you arrogant, self-absorbed, and an egomaniac, you're also a terrible leader! You don't even listen to your own team, how are you possibly the leader of your team when you aren't doing the things you're meant to do as a leader "

Those words stung, but maybe they were right about.. some things. Between you and I, I'm not sure on how to lead a team and I don't want to deal with the stress of being a leader like how Raph dealt with it.

I'm not built for this kind of position on the team and I'm scared I'll mess things up. Enough with all that leader mumble jumble, those words made it clear to me that they didn't like me

or did they? 

No, I'm pretty sure they don't like me. 

There's always a possibility they could still like me though..

or not.

I'll still take my chances.

I don't know why I feel so drawn to them in the first place because I knew they didn't like me, but that's what made me like them even more.. knowing that they didn't like me back. It made me feel like it was my mission to see if I could get them to at least like me back or at least show some sign of liking me, It would help me sleep better at night. I haven't had a good rest in days because of them, I don't know why I'm so desperate to know if some alternate version of me likes me back. I'm sure there's other me's out there who like me..

but they don't even know I exist.

They're the only version of me that knows I exist so far, yet they hate me. I don't think I could ever hate them, I've tried striking up a conversation with them several times before. Yet, I never could successfully talk to them without them making some sort of excuse just to get out of the conversation with me. That just made me like them even more than before, they didn't understand how badly I wanted to at least be their friend instead of just some random alternate version of them who occasionally bothered them from time to time. 

I wanted to be just more than that to them.

It hurt when they constantly pushed me away, the slight shift in their personality whenever they were around me said a lot. Whenever I wasn't there, they would act how they normally acted. 

Damn.

Did they really hate me that much?

Hate is too much of a strong word to use and I don't want to use it while i'm describing how they acted towards me but, It felt like hate.

The word hate just doesn't feel right to use, I think dislike is better. 

Did they really hate dislike me that much? I don't know how i'm meant to make this work when they won't even let me get close with them. They just see me as a nuisance if anything.

I know it isn't possible to make someone like you, and they already have formed a solid opinion on me. They don't like me, but is there at least a way to show them that I've changed as a person? Would they even believe me? I think, it's time that I accept the truth of the situation. 

They're never going to like me the way I like them, It's not going to happen. I just have to accept that I'm going to continuously get pushed away from them.. 

Is what I would say if I was an idiot. 

As much as I tried to avoid doing this, I did it as a last resort and I ended up talking to Dr. Feelings about.. my feelings. He taught me a few basic lessons before getting into the stuff that I actually needed to know and I wrote every single last word down as I took notes. Yes, I know what you're thinking. "Even the basics?" Even the basics. I wanted to know as much as I could possibly know, I wanted to do better for them and myself as a whole. I'm doing much more for my team but, was it all worth it if I haven't worked on myself? Was it worth it in the first place? Yes, it was still worth it but..

my mental state matters more.

I listened to everything that he told me, even if I was doing this for "just" an alternate version of me. They were so much more to me than just some alternate, I felt something more with them and I genuinely liked them. I knew little details about them that I bet they didn't even know about themselves, the tone in their voice shifting when they talked about space heroes.. even if it was just a slight change in tone, I noticed it. 

Sometimes they'd talk to themselves as they played out their made up space adventures with captain Ryan in their room, I walked past their room once and.. I heard them speaking with themselves as the door was slightly ajar. I was curious and I peeked in through the crack, I saw them playing out their fake adventures.. they even had a costume they had made! I thought it was funny, but I didn't peek into the room anymore after that. 

It isn't a crime to find it funny and sorta cute that the alternate version of you likes playing make-believe, right? If it was, then I'd be arrested.. which I'm not. Even if it was a crime, I'm sure there's other people out there who think the same thing as I do. So i'm not even worried about it, not like I was ever worried about it in the first place anyway.

But, I had to work up some courage to actually speak with them and this time I wouldn't mess up as I had a bunch of notes from the session with Dr. Feelings. There's still a possibility I could mess up though, even with all the notes I had taken. I really don't want to mess this up as they already view me as arrogant, I think I would die if they viewed me as ignorant too. I tried my very best while talking with them this time, my VERY best and I mean that. Then I didn't want to try too hard because what if they viewed that as me trying to impress them?

I sorta was..

but that's not the point though.

The thing is that my hard work actually paid off, they took interest in the conversation for once. This was a nice change but, how long would this last until the conversations (If you could even call them conversations.) went back to how they used to be? I hope that our conversations never go back down that path again, I don't want to go back to where they couldn't even hold a conversation with me for at least two minutes. 

I shouldn't think too much about this, I'm going to enjoy talking with them while I can. Hearing their voice being actually directed towards me feels nice, and seeing that look in their eyes when you can tell they're taking interest in the conversation that's happening. 

It feels like the best feeling in the world. 

 

 

 

 

Chapter 2: Noticing things about you

Here I am again, writing in my diary about them once more..

Some things have changed about them since the last time I talked with them, or were these things always there and I didn't pay attention to them? But, that wouldn't be possible. I always manage to pay attention to the simplest of details, or my brain just blocked it out? I'm confused with my thoughts but, I can't stop that from telling you guys about what I noticed about them.

They don't wear their mask normally like how their brothers do, well I mean. They all wear their masks differently, but the way they specifically wear it is different. In the back, it's tied into a bow. I think that's a cute detail about them, even if it's just a minor one. It wouldn't be weird if I complimented them on how they wear their masks right? It's just a friendly little compliment between two friends!

Writing that hurt me more than it should have, but the truth is we are just friends and nothing more. What if they didn't view me as a friend and it's one-sided? They could view me as an acquaintance.. we never established what kind of relationship we have with each other and yet, I assumed we were friends. I can't ask them about this now, it would just be awkward.. I can already imagine it.

" Hey, are we friends? "

" No. " 

Okay, maybe the conversation wouldn't EXACTLY go like that but I just know it would involve them saying no. But, I really should ask them anyway regardless of what will happen. If I don't ask them, I risk it being a one-sided relationship but If I do ask them, I risk being rejected by them and going back to square one. Well, not square one but I'll just be an acquaintance! I don't wanna be JUST an awkward acquaintance to them.. just because they show interest in our conversations doesn't mean they find me interesting!

Does that make sense?

I don't think it does..

but this is my diary and I can write whatever I want in it.

The diary only has to make sense to me and me only, nobody is going to be reading this. 

That's.. the whole point of a diary anyway. 

But sometimes, I wish they read my diary to understand how I feel.

Actually, no I wouldn't want that. I'd be completely embarrassed about the stuff I write about them.

What if they found me creepy

or worse?

I don't even want to imagine what it'll be like. I'm going to ask them if we're friends the first time I see them today, and I just have to pray that I don't chicken out of this one. It's just ONE simple question, how hard can it be to just ask?

 

Okay, I admit it! I underestimated how hard it can be to just ask a question, especially when i'm trying to ask THEM a question. I chickened out the first time, and the second time.. AND the third time I asked them. They must think that I'm ridiculous with how many times I keep saying "Hey, can I ask you a question?" then I don't even tell them the question, I stumble on my words and just change the subject when I was the one who wanted to ask the question in the first place. 

I'm an idiot, I just want to act like myself around them. Why is this so difficult? I never had this sort of problem unless It was about my brothers and I asking dad if we could watch TV, or it was about a tough question I had. But, neither of those things were happening. It was just me trying to ask them if we were friends or not, that's not a tough question to ask.

I hate the way I act around them. I never used to act this way until I met them, now I act like i'm some sort of love-struck puppy! Maybe not love-struck, I only view them as a friend but.. they don't view me the same. But, I can't say that for sure because I haven't even asked them if we're friends yet because of my stupid behavior around them. With the way I act, I'm sure that we aren't friends at all.

But.. I can't even be sure of that either. They still continue to talk with me even after my screw-ups, I don't know why they do. If I can do this right this time WITHOUT messing up, I'll be able to finally get confirmation on our relationship status. I'm wishing myself the best of luck!

 

I asked them the question but, I still messed up as I asked them. We're friends.. we're actually friends. Yet, I thought they still viewed me as an acquaintance .. but turns out we've BEEN friends. I feel like a huge idiot for even asking that question to them, yet they didn't look at me weird for asking and instead just gave me the simple answer. They didn't make some sort of snarky remark or anything.. that wasn't in character for them to do that anyway.

Then why did I add it? 

Something about it just felt right to me.

Or maybe It was just unnecessary to add..

yea, it was definitely unnecessary to put that there.

Oh, I almost forgot. Whenever I tried asking them the question, their eyes would change.. not in a bad way but as if they were expecting me in the first place. I don't know the word i'm looking for, actually I know what it is! Their eyes would soften when they saw me, I noticed it every single time.. maybe I pay too much attention to minor details about them but who cares? It makes me happy knowing that they feel relaxed to see me because I feel the exact same way they do.

Maybe not the exact same way as I don't know what they're feeling, but I just know that I'm always glad to see them. 

I hope that one day, we can have a movie night together.. well I mean we already do but that's with all our siblings. I want a movie night where it's just me and them together, It's nothing weird.. I just want to spend some one on one time together as friends. Obviously. It's not weird because I don't like them that way and it's just two friends together, sitting on the couch.. next to each other with a blanket on them while watching some cringe movies.

Nothing weird about that at all. 

Maybe it could even turn into a sleepover, then we play games together and eat pizza together. 

Maybe i'm taking things too far with this friendship, I should dial it back a little. Starting.. now i'll stop being so "weird" with them.

Well, I mean I'll try my best not to be weird.

Trying is better than nothing, right?

Chapter 3: Why did you stop?

Notes:

Helloooo!!! This chapter is going to be short, but the next chapter will be much longer. Comments are appreciated and so are suggestions for the story

Today felt off.

No, not felt off. It WAS off,

Leon wasn't acting like himself today. Usually he'd come up to me, make conversation and crack a few jokes. But that's not what he did today, he talked to me like he was in a rush to be somewhere which wouldn't be weird if he WAS In a rush, but he wasn't.

Today was his off day.

Maybe I did something wrong for him to act this way? But I haven't said anything bad to him, unless he took something I said the wrong way?

I hope this isn't going to be the new him, I mean.. I would accept him no matter how he decides to change but the way he's trying to change just.. isn't him at all. Am I overthinking things? 

I probably am.

" Yea you most definitely are. "

That's not very helpful inner me. 

" I'm not trying to help you out."

Now I know i'm not overthinking it, I should talk to him about this. But how would I even started this conversation off?

" Hey Leon, I don't like the way you're changing so stop. "

I wouldn't actually say that but, that's what it sounds like i'm saying! I just don't want him avoiding me, I enjoy his company. I know I didn't enjoy it much at the start but, I grew fond of it over time. I never apologized for those words I said to him however, and I feel guilty that I even said that to him.. but he still interacted with me like normal.

I don't understand how he can do that, well.. I don't understand how ANYONE would be able to do that. If someone snapped on me like that, I'd be upset but at the same time.. I would do better to be a good leader.

I feel like that sentence contradicts itself.

" It does. "

You're not helping at all with how I feel. You're meant to be encouraging me but all you're doing is making me feel bad.

" I'm not meant to encourage you, Leonardo. I say what you're truly thinking inside your head, if you want me to encourage you, you have to think more positively. At the end of the day, I'm still you. "

I know that you're me and you're saying what I'm actually thinking but, sometimes I wish you would lie to me instead of telling me how I truly feel.

" That wouldn't be possible for me to do. If you want me to lie, you have to think that you're lying to yourself and even if you do think so, I'm still going to tell you the truth. There's no way out of this, Leonardo."

...

I thought about that, even though I was the one who said that. I didn't say it aloud, but I knew it was true what my inner-self was telling me. There really is no way out of this kind of situation even if I try to look for a way out of it, I'll end up with the same results. I don't want to dwell too much on what I said, It was just something I was thinking about.

I should talk with master splinter about this.. 

tomorrow. 

For now, I just want some sleep.

Chapter 4: I look forward to seeing you

Notes:

I am probably going to edit this chapter in the morning

I had the worst night, I couldn't sleep and my thoughts kept me awake until the morning.

Even in the morning however, I still can't catch a break. All I can hear is my thoughts, I tried meditating on it as Master Splinter had suggested but, that just made things worse for me.

Was I doing something wrong? Maybe I was the root of the problem, it is MY mind after all. But, these thoughts.. they're unwanted. I don't want to think about them, I just want to get through the day normally without something mildly disturbing coming across my mind and ruining what I'm doing. 

I would watch space heroes if I could but, that makes the thoughts much worse considering the setting of where they are. Do my brothers have the same thoughts as me sometimes? I hope they don't, I don't want them to experience the same issues as me. It would feel like it's my fault that they're down because of some stupid unwanted thought, but it isn't my fault.

" It is your fault. "

It's not, I can't control what they think.. just like how I can't control what I think. 

" Yes you can, you're just an awful turtle. "

Only half of that is true, I can't control what I think which is why I ignore the thoughts I hate thinking about. I do.. I do feel like an awful turtle however, I still haven't talked with Leon yet. What if he's thinking of me differently? Are we still friends? I shouldn't dwell too much on this, I just have to talk to him.

But these thoughts, they're so aggravating.. they're getting harder to ignore by the minute. 

What would Master Splinter do about this? Oh wait, he'd meditate on it.

I don't know why I even had to ask myself that question, he told ME to meditate on it. 

I don't mind meditating obviously, but this is one of the situations where I just can't do it. I can't stand being alone with my own thoughts again for longer than a few minutes, it wouldn't be good for me at all.

I should try looking on the brighter side of things, besides.. movie night is soon. I didn't pick the movie this time however, Mikey did. I'm scared to see what the movie's going to be because I swear if it's some old horror movie, I might just lose it.

Before I knew it, somebody sat down on the couch right next to me as I was mumbling things to myself.

I already knew who it was before he had even spoken.

" Heyyyy Leo, jeez you look like you're half-dead. Have you been getting any sleep at all lately? "

Before I opened my mouth, I thought about what I was going to say wisely.. do I tell him the truth? That my thoughts have been keeping me awake? Would he find that weird? I don't want to scare him off.

But, I don't want to lie to him either.. I can just tell him half of the truth but either way, I'd still be lying to him. Lying for just half of it is better than lying for all of it. Right? I feel like I'm taking too long to answer him, I hope he doesn't think I ignored his question completely. Since I'm already going to be answering his question, I should speak to him about how he has been acting recently too.   

" No, but I'm trying my hardest to get some sleep in. Training is taking a little bit of a toll on me with how stressful it's been. "

At least I didn't completely lie, right? Just one tiny little white lie wouldn't hurt.

" You should try taking a break from training, like.. ask your sensei for an off day? "

" My off day is soon, speaking of an off day.. you've been acting off lately. I don't mean to be rude, but everything you speak with me.. you sound like you're in a rush to be somewhere like you're trying to avoid me. Leon.. is there something that I did to make you feel this way? "

____

I didn't know that they thought I was trying to avoid them, I was trying to be less weird to them! Apparently, that's not the way it came off as.. it came off differently as me trying to avoid them. They didn't do anything wrong, and I don't want Leo to feel this way. I knew I should've spoken more with Dr. feelings about this kind of subject. 

" Leo, no. I just thought I was being weird towards you and, I tried to tone it down by.. trying to come off as less weird to you and- "

" I never found you weird in the first place, I'm just terrible at expressing my emotions when it comes to hanging out. "

Oh. My. God.

This isn't the first time I misread signs with them, I felt like such an idiot.

" This is the second time I've done something like this with you, I'm so sorry Leo. I really have to start asking you instead of just assuming things. "

" Don't sweat it, I made the same mistake before as you. "

____

Don't sweat it?!

Why did I even say that in the first place. I could've said anything other than "Don't sweat it." but, I didn't! I can't just take the words back now, it'll look weird and like I did want him to worry about this. I can worry about this all night, but now isn't the time for worrying while I'm having a conversation with him. 

" Leon.. you're still going to be coming to movie night, right? This time, Mikey picked out the movie. "

" You'd be crazy to think that I wouldn't be attending movie night, especially if it's Mikey picking out the movie. "

" You know I'm talking about my Mikey, right? "

" Yes I do, and I'm not taking back anything I said. "

" That's a bold statement, but don't say I didn't warn you if the movie is some old crappy horror movie. "

" Weeellll.. you're just now warning me. "

" Leon, we are not doing this again. "

" Oh, but we ARE doing this again. "

I sighed, but Leon was grinning. That stupid smirk, it was going to haunt me for the rest of the next few hours.

Wasn't it?

I could already predict what he was going to do just based on that stupid smirk alone.

He's going to pull pranks on me with Mikey just like last time. 

But, seeing that smirk right in front of me was better than having him walk away from me. I liked that I was able to talk with him and, I hope that he felt the same way that I did.