Chapter Text
Kai found it hard to keep her wits about her while rooming with Yeonjun.
Don’t get her wrong! Yeonjun was great, and they’ve been friends long before they decided to split the rent on a shitty apartment instead of cramming all of their things into a dorm on campus. Having their own space gave them more freedom, but that was part of the problem.
Now, Kai wasn’t one to shame anyone. Oftentimes, she’d give Yeonjun the benefit of the doubt when she left her clothes on the bathroom floor or forgot to clean up after herself in the kitchen. The fact that Yeonjun liked to bring girls home wasn’t a problem at all. That wasn’t it. It was more so the fact that she didn’t seem to care if Kai was home or not, sneaking in after dark with a girl giggling behind her, not so quietly stumbling down the hall to her room, and not so quietly getting up to whatever it was Yeonjun did to those girls to make them keen like that.
And Kai wasn’t a prude. She was reserved, sure, more private about things than, say, Soobin was, but it got to a point, you know? She’d have to listen as Yeonjun toyed with her partners until they unraveled like a spool of thread. Then, she faced her in the morning over breakfast as if she couldn’t hear everything . Every sharp breath she took, every murmur she whispered to her partner against their soft skin, even the parting giggle she gave some of them before walking them out.
So, yeah. Kai wasn’t shaming her; she just wished she’d be more mindful since the walls were not thick, and Yeonjun was exceptionally loud in every aspect of her life, including this one. Kai could’ve gone through their entire friendship without knowing the way Yeonjun’s voice dropped an octave when she was close or how she always asked her partners to call her Oppa, no matter their age.
And it’d been bearable for a while (as bearable as it could be) until Yeonjun started bringing home girls that Kai knew. And girls she liked, at that.
First, it was Beomgyu. When she’d heard her voice from the other side of her bedroom wall—because, yes, she and Yeonjun did share a wall, and it was just as torturous as you could imagine—she froze in place for a good 15 minutes. It wasn’t as if she had any claim over Beomgyu, but Yeonjun saw the way she looked at her. She’d even teased her about it once before, so she couldn’t imagine why Yeonjun would ever—
Then, it was a girl Kai met at the library and had a failed talking stage with. That one hadn’t emotionally shocked her quite as much, but it was still jarring to walk out of her room in the middle of the night to see Huang Renjun in her kitchen wearing Yeonjun’s shirt that barely covered her panties, trying to get their broken ice machine to work.
Then, it was a girl Kai had concert band with. The cello player who wouldn't stop stealing glances at her, even when she was supposed to be focused on playing. Kai knew Lee Chanyoung as a quiet girl, only talked to her a handful of times, but Yeonjun seemed to have a talent for getting even the smallest voices to cry out.
There were more, over time, and every time Kai fell out with someone, every time she showed a bit of interest or they showed interest in her, they’d end up falling into Yeonjun’s bed instead.
It was a difficult pattern to catch on to. At first, she thought she was imagining it. The community of available queer women on campus was terribly interlinked, and you were bound to have an ex who knew an ex who knew someone else. It was a complex web of interpersonal relationships, and Kai knew it well. Yeonjun made her memorize the areas on campus they should avoid so they didn’t run into any of her exs. (The science labs were strictly prohibited, and nothing Kai could say would make her go anywhere near them.)
It wasn’t until Yeonjun looked her in the eye one morning and made a ‘Small World’ joke after she fed the girl breakfast and poured her coffee in Kai’s mug, that Kai had the inkling that she might’ve been doing it on purpose. She walked the girl out with a gentle hand on her back, but Kai could see the way she was watching her from the corner of her eye.
“She’s the one that asked for your number while we were out for lunch, right? Guess I didn’t put two and two together until now.” She had a glint in her eye, a strange eagerness that made it seem as though she were looking for a reaction.
“Maybe you should talk to her about it,” Soobin said flatly, frowning at her book and pretending to retain the information from it. “It sounds like you need to establish some serious roommate boundaries.”
Kai pinched at the bridge of her nose, having set aside her own assignment forever ago in favor of ranting about her lack of sleep. Because it was affecting her sleep. If she wasn’t kept up by the noise, she was dreaming of it, and the sight of Yeonjun like that in her mind was startling enough to make her jolt up from her bed in a sweat.
“I don’t want to make it weird. I don’t want to like– control who she sleeps with or anything. That’s weird , right?”
Soobin looked up from her book, her lips pursed into a pout that usually meant she was confused by Kai’s thought process and judging her. “You guys are weird. You already have a weird thing, so asking her to stop diving into your dating pool would be the least weird thing about you guys.”
Kai bristled. “No, we’re– No, we’re not. And calling it my ‘dating pool’ is generous. It’s just been girls I liked? Girls that probably liked me? But I never got anywhere with any of them, so it’s not like Yeonjun unnie is doing anything wrong– ”
Soobin leveled with her. “See? And that’s your problem. You let her get away with anything. You never get anywhere with those girls because Yeonjun unnie won’t let it happen.”
And– Okay. Kai didn’t like to pretend that she was immune to Yeonjun. She could never say no to her. It was a well-known fact among everyone who knew the two of them, but Yeonjun could never say no to her either. She tried not to take advantage of it, truly, but it wasn’t her fault if Yeonjun gave her the option to ask her for things.
Many times, she would even ask at all. Yeonjun would come home from her shifts at the 7-Eleven, still sticky from cleaning up spilled drinks and burst sugary candy packets, beaming with her front teeth on display because she picked up a gift for her on the way back. Usually, it was snacks, something trendy Kai had been wanting to try. A plastic ring from a gumball machine. A single flower from a vendor on the street. Sometimes, too many times, it was a keychain for her purse, or a claw machine plushie, or a skirt, a dress, a hat, a hoodie, a shirt. Yeonjun would buy her anything and everything she thought Kai would like. Anything.
Kai huffed out a breath, blowing her bangs out of her eyes. She needed a trim. “It’s… fine. It’s fine.”
✦✦✦
Kai wasn’t really one for house parties. She wasn’t one for parties in general, but Yeonjun was. When she came up behind her and wrapped her arms around Kai’s waist, splaying her hands across her stomach and tucking her chin over Kai’s shoulder, she already knew she was going to ask her to come with her.
It wasn’t often that she asked Kai about these things. She knew very well that she preferred to stay inside, curled up with her feet under her, playing her Switch, or something. But Yeonjun had these intense bouts of clinginess. It was only after she pouted her peachy lips and said: “Hueningieeee” that Kai sighed and mentally prepared herself for a night out, lest Yeonjun would leave all sad with her hair deflated and come back too drunk because “I had to drink my sorrows, Ningie. You did this to me. I wanted to hang out with you…”
It wasn’t weird, and it wasn’t a problem. Soobin was wrong. Kai just liked seeing Yeonjun happy, and she didn’t mind coming with her sometimes. It was nice to dress up, change out of her usual hoodie, and put on something cuter. Half of her closet was things Yeonjun had given her, sometimes having ordered a size too large or decided she didn’t want the item after purchasing it for herself. She felt cool putting them on, like she could pretend she were as stylish as Yeonjun was, even though she’d have never found the outfit on her own.
And Yeonjun was a good friend, and she held Kai’s hand the entire time, sticking by her side like it’d kill her if she didn’t. She poured Kai’s drinks and swatted the cup away from her if they both took their eyes off it for a moment too long. She’d lean into her side and introduce her to whatever group of girls approached them because Yeonjun knew everyone, and everyone knew her.
(Kai thought it was a kind gesture, the fact that Yeonjun tried to include her in the conversation as much as possible, but all she could ever do was wave and fall back to listen to the group talk amongst themselves.)
Sometimes, she’d even glare daggers at the people who eyed Kai too much, like right now.
She was standing in front of her, trying to shield Kai from sight with her smaller body. Both of her arms stretched up to wrap around Kai’s shoulders, and it was a bit awkward considering how much shorter Yeonjun was compared to her now that Kai was wearing her clunky boots. She leaned down, bending her knees to make it easier on both of them.
Yeonjun’s head was turned back, having a staring contest with a girl from across the room who averted her eyes as if Yeonjun could turn her to stone.
And Kai always found this strange. She’d do this, even on campus, at the library, or after Kai’s band concerts. She’d scare them off before they could even come up and talk to her. Climb into her lap or wrap her arms around her waist, almost staking her claim. But it wasn’t as if Yeonjun had any claim over her at all, and she was sure Yeonjun didn’t really believe that she did either.
Kai assumed she was simply protective. While it was nice when Kai wasn’t up for conversation, she would like to meet some people every once in a while. She’d like to make new friends or maybe even get laid.
Strangest of all, every time, Yeonjun would end up bringing the same girl home, not even a week later.
“You should go talk to her,” Kai said. She just wanted to shorten the process, get to the end that she knew was coming. “I’m going to get another drink.”
And Kai wasn’t bothered by it. Not really . Yeonjun was– Okay, Yeonjun was weird. Her type seemed to be anyone who looked at Kai first, and she wasn’t sure if there was a psychological reason for that. Maybe Yeonjun had a thing for women who weren’t interested in her, or maybe she just liked to take pretty things away from Kai when she had the chance. She would give back and make up for it with all her gifts, hugs, and touches. As much as Yeonjun liked to give her things, she’d take them away too.
Yeonjun was protective, and Kai had always known that. But this new development baffled her. It left her with a strange feeling she didn’t want to name. It wasn’t jealousy; she didn’t get jealous. But she sort of felt… coddled.
Yeonjun doted on her daily , but this was something else. It was as if she didn’t want Kai doing anything on her own. And like! Kai was capable. She could go around without needing someone to hold her hand through it or protect her from the cruel world that was lesbian dating. Or, sex. Because Yeonjun wasn’t dating any of the girls. Kai wasn’t sure that Yeonjun even did the whole dating thing anymore. Not after the handful of exs Kai couldn’t even remember the names of.
And Kai wouldn’t want to date any of the girls after they’d been with Yeonjun, anyway. It would feel weird. All she would be able to think about would be the way they had sounded under her, the way they called out Yeonjun’s name, the way they called her Oppa. And she might even delude herself into thinking she could taste Yeonjun on them.
Anyway, it was getting old.
Before Yeonjun could protest, Kai peeled her arms off of her and nudged her in the direction of the girl who would surely receive mixed signals. The look on her face left her guilty, but she pushed through and found her way to the kitchen anyway.
Kai could only take so much. And while she loved Yeonjun, she appreciated her effort to protect her, she was tired of her getting in the way of the things she wanted.
Kai had this horrible, creeping feeling that she was falling behind. Perhaps it was the sudden influx of girls that Yeonjun brought home that made her step back and realize just how much she was missing out on. Maybe she was starting to get lonely. She had this desire to be desired, to let girls look and want and think of her the way they might think of Yeonjun.
The kitchen was much quieter than the living room, and it was filled with fewer people, too. She even knew some of them.
“Huening Kai! Hey, it’s been forever!”
It was a girl she spoke to maybe a handful of times, and if Kai didn’t know any better, she’d think she looked excited to see her. She waved her over, leaning against the counter with a solo cup in her ring-clad hands. She downed it and tossed it in the trash.
Kai squeezed past a girl leaving the kitchen, the back of her neck starting to sweat as she made her way over to her. “Hi, Taehyun.”
She didn’t really know Taehyun. She knew of her, of course, because she was on the swim team with Beomgyu, and Kai attended their swim meets a lot during the height of her (short but intense) crush.
She was good, often rocketing ahead of the other girls even during practice. Her time was impressive, but while Kai was there, she had her focus on someone else. Regardless, even if you slept through a swim meet, you would know Taehyun was talented. And she had always greeted her kindly and spoken to her as if they were already friends. Kai supposed it was because she was one of three people who showed up to watch them practice, sitting in the bleachers with her headphones on, just watching. She’d come up to her after practice wrapped up, still dripping wet in pool water as the other girls headed for the showers, and asked her about her day. Kai wasn’t sure how to navigate that. She used to feel bad that she couldn’t make something of Taehyun’s efforts.
“I thought I saw you come in, but couldn’t catch you.”
Kai laughed nervously, and it came out faker than she intended. “Yeah. Sorry, that seems to happen a lot these days.”
“You look pretty. I like your jacket, you’ve got a whole grunge rockstar vibe going on.”
“Oh!” Kai felt her ears grow hot. Taehyun had a way of looking at people as if they were the only people on earth. Just the two of them. Full attention, pulling them in with her eyes and smiling up at them as she leaned in close to hear better. “Thank you. I, uh, I like your hair.”
Taehyun reached back to run her hands over her undercut. She’d cut it since the last time Kai saw her. Short. It was boyish, almost, and short enough that she could gel her bangs up and out of her eyes. A few strands fell over her forehead, and Kai thought she sort of looked more like a rockstar than she did in the dark clothes Yeonjun had given her, and in the necklace that Yeonjun always laid out for her to wear. It was shorter than Kai would ever dare to go, and she sort of admired her for it.
Taehyun was small, but she held herself in a way that took up room. She smiled brightly and spoke her words as soon as she had the thought, with no hesitation at all. She was nothing like Kai.
“Thanks! It’s easier to wear a swim cap when it’s like this. And it’s kinda cool, isn’t it?” Then she dropped her voice into a whisper. “And it’s not too short, I bet you could still pull on it if you wanted to.”
Okay, what?
Kai nodded, fidgeting with the chain hanging from her jeans. What could she even say to that? Had Yeonjun really shielded her for so long that she couldn’t even look this girl in the eye? She was good at this, once upon a time. Flirting. Whatever this was. “It looks good on you. Really.”
Taehyun grinned, all sharp-toothed with her lips curled up in a way that was almost wild. Kai felt as if she walked into a trap, as if Taehyun had been tossed a line, but somehow pulled Kai’s entire body into the water. “You came here for a drink, right? Want one?”
Kai took a breath. It was just Taehyun. She knew her, sort of, so she wasn’t sure why it was so hard to look her in the eye. She hoped a drink would relax her shoulders and bleed out the nervous energy from her body. But Taehyun was hot. Pretty in an androgynous way. She had sharp cheekbones and a raspy voice. Big round eyes that Kai was afraid she could drown in, long slender fingers, and a flat chest.
She was a whole head shorter than Kai, and slimmer too. Kai had these wide hips that she hid under baggy jeans, and strong arms from carrying around amps and moving her drum set from place to place. Taehyun had strong arms too, from swimming, she supposed, and Kai could see them on full display with the baggy tank top she wore. Toned and defined muscles flexed with every movement. Kai looked plenty.
Taehyun handed her a cold bottle after cracking it open with the ring on her middle finger. Kai gaped, watching her fingers wrap around the neck and drip in condensation and fizz. She wiped it away on her dark jeans. “To be honest, I’m always a little nervous to talk to you.”
Kai blinked. “Huh?” It was a squeak of a sound, broken and clipped off at the end, and she was sure she looked ridiculous with her open mouth and wide eyes. She snapped her jaw shut with a click of her teeth. “Me?”
“Of course.” Taehyun reached up and smoothed down the collar of Kai’s jacket. Her knuckles brushed against Kai’s chest before she held them there for a beat longer than necessary. “You’re gorgeous, you know that? Pretty girls make me nervous. I’ve wanted to get closer to you, but it’s kind of hard. You stopped showing up to our swim meets, too.”
“I’m sorry… I don’t really– I’m not really good at this sort of thing.”
Taehyun tilted her head, and the overhead light in the kitchen glinted against the studs in her earlobes. Taehyun wore so much jewelry. Rings on both hands, studs in her ears, necklaces layered on top of each other. Kai wanted to grab at them, wanted to feel the cool metal under her fingertips until they matched her body heat. “What sort of thing?”
Taehyun was blushing. With her hair cut so short and her ears exposed, Kai could see it. The red tint of them. The pink that crept over her cheeks, too. But she held eye contact with Kai and leaned forward as if the blush wasn’t there. She was so close that she had to crane her neck up to look Kai in the eye— attempt to look Kai in the eye. Kai’s eyes darted everywhere but. Her hands, her sharp teeth, her full lips. The column of Taehyun’s neck, the way the fabric of her shirt dripped over her chest, and, at this angle, gave Kai a peek of what was underneath.
“Talking to other people,” Kai said. She grabbed Taehyun’s hand, trembling, and brought it to her chest right over her thunderous heart. “I get crazy nervous.” She slid Taehyun’s hand up slowly, quietly gasping at the feather-light touch against her neck, bringing her fingers to the pulse point there. “See?”
Taehyun’s fingers were soft, and her hand was so small in Kai’s shaky grasp. Kai’s body naturally ran hot, so Taehyun’s cold hands felt sharp against her skin. She thought, if she were brave enough, if she brought Taehyun’s hand up to her cheek, steam would rise from them like a hot pan under cold water.
This seemed to catch Taehyun off guard, and Kai could see her pupils dilate in real time. Like a cat, she thought.
She held her hand there even after Kai dropped her wrist. Her eyelashes fluttered as she came to her senses, and she blinked at Kai all coquettish and sweet.
And Kai might be inexperienced, but she wasn’t dumb. She knew she was pretty. Gorgeous, in Taehyun’s words. And again, she used to be good at this sort of thing. Before Yeonjun started being weird, before she started barking at anyone who got too close to her. She knew what to do, in theory, but it took a great deal of effort to gather the courage to do it. She’d never… She’d never gotten very far in the past. She’s been kissed, touched above the belt, but she’d never—
Taehyun smiled, dropping her hand to Kai’s waist, and it was different from her smile before. This felt realer, more genuine. Like she thought Kai was a cute thing and couldn’t hide her endearment. Like she thought her to be something soft, something to be treated kindly. “Should we find some place quieter then? Let you relax a bit?”
Kai felt a mix of emotions all at once. First and foremost, excitement. But then, guilt. Yeonjun flashed in her mind, and she couldn’t help but imagine how upset she’d be. And she would be upset, Kai knew. Yeonjun would get all red in the face, and her lips would pout up in a way that made Kai want to smooth the frown away with her thumbs. She’d be angry, but for what reason, Kai didn’t know.
Kai wasn’t sure why she felt guilty about it in the first place. Yeonjun didn’t own her. She had no say in what she did, not really. Even if it was true that Kai did anything she asked, even if it was true that she made sacrifice upon sacrifice to make her happy.
Kai deserved something too.
“Um, yeah. Just give me a sec.”
She abandoned her drink to pull out her phone, kneading her lips together as she found Yeonjun’s contact. Yeonjun could never stay mad at Kai for very long anyway, and she knew that if she gave her that look , she’d drop it and forget it in an instant.
Jjuni Unnie ♡: Kai. You’re taking too long
Jjuni Unnie ♡: I’m getting worried
Jjuni Unnie ♡: Seriously.
You: i’m ok!! didn’t get lost. be back in a bit >3<
Jjuni Unnie ♡: Where the hell are you ??
Kai silenced her phone, swallowing away the taste of guilt in her mouth. She’d make it up to her, really. “Okay. Let’s go.”
Taehyun grabbed her hand. Kai could feel every single one of her rings. She wanted to squeeze tighter to make indents in her own fingers. “Hehe. Cool.”
She didn’t see Yeonjun as Taehyun led her up the stairs, and she didn’t like how it felt as though she was hiding from her. She wasn’t, not really, but she knew that if Yeonjun saw her with Taehyun, she’d intervene like she always did. She might even take Taehyun for herself before Kai could have her.
(There was a part of Kai that grew hot imagining Yeonjun yanking Taehyun away just to kiss her right in front of her. She could see it now, the kiss angry and rough, and maybe she’d even crack an eye open to make sure Kai was watching. To punish her, perhaps, because Kai knew better. She was Yeonjun’s baby, she just wanted to protect her, right?
But Yeonjun had never chatted up any of Kai’s past flings or crushes in front of her. She’d never seen how it went down, if Yeonjun introduced herself as Kai’s friend, or if she kept it a secret from them entirely.
She was almost curious. Almost wanted to linger on the staircase for just a moment to see if Yeonjun would find her. To see if Yeonjun really would take Taehyun away, if she’d leave her on the staircase to wonder about the way they’d slot together upstairs. She wondered if Yeonjun would drag her along too, make her sit right outside the door like a banished dog. Forced to listen. Forced to sit still.)
But Kai wanted her. She really wanted her. And Yeonjun always gave her what she wanted anyway. She’d let her have this, was her reasoning. What she told herself. She deserved this. Something impulsive, something fun. Risky. Bad.
Taehyun tried every door in the hallway until she found an unlocked room. She pulled Kai in by the hand, holding her so gently and leading her through the dark.
Kai only had a few drinks in her. Something Yeonjun handed her, mixed and tangy. Another she poured herself which had too much Coke in it to really do anything. A shot or two. A sip of the bottle Taehyun cracked open for her. But Taehyun’s presence was more inebriating than all of that. It made her sway on her feet, vertigo creeping up on her as she turned to face her.
“We can just do whatever you want to do,” Taehyun whispered. She leaned back against the door, and her eyes shone in the dark, illuminated only by the moon that peeked in through the blinds on the window.
The darkness didn’t make her any less pretty. Handsome. She didn’t move, standing there to survey Kai for a moment, smiling at her in the dark like a welcome. A lure. Taehyun had that quality about her. Her eyes were magnetic, her smile was wide and genuine, yet it was her confidence that made her appear sultry. As if she’d done this many times before, and knew exactly what to do to make Kai tremble in anticipation.
When Kai heard the click of the lock, she took a deep breath. “Can I kiss you?” She spoke in a normal tone, making her sound so much louder than Taehyun’s whispers. She cringed. “Sorry–”
“It’s okay. Yeah, come here.” Taehyun reached out to her with shaking hands, and it was a marvel to Kai that she seemed to be just as nervous as she said she was. Pretty girls make me nervous. It wasn’t a line or a concept; Taehyun was being honest.
With a sudden surge of confidence, Kai crowded her against the door, and Taehyun’s hands instantly found home on her hips, squeezing firmly as she tilted her head up. But when Taehyun got her lips on her, she suddenly felt too tall, fumbly, and unsure of what to do with her arms. They hovered in the air for a moment before she decided to rest her hands on Taehyun’s shoulders, but that didn’t feel correct either, so she pulled Taehyun in closer, snaking her arms around her neck and pulling their chests together.
Taehyun seemed to like that, at least, humming a quiet sound in the back of her throat. Something pleased, something happy. Taehyun sounded like honey and smelled of something citrus. A lotion, maybe, something soft and sweet and like her kisses. She inhaled through her nose as if she were trying to breathe Kai in. Her mouth moved against hers until she exhaled against her lips, letting out a small sigh and a puff of hot air every once in a while. It was slow, liquid smooth. Languid and warm in her mouth.
Kai wondered if Taehyun was this sincere with everyone else she kissed. She felt as though she were under water, and she could hear her heart beating in her ears. For kissing a stranger, it was almost too much. Too overwhelming, too passionate. She thought Taehyun’s hands might phase through her ribcage to grab at her heart as if she were something intangible. Only by accident. Kai knew she didn’t want it even though Taehyun kissed with everything she had. As if she were trying to swallow Kai’s heart anyway.
Kai was taller, trapping Taehyun against the door, but it felt as if Taehyun were the one who had her pinned. As if her hands really did slip through the cracks of her ribs, her fingers tickling her heart to get it beating faster than she thought was possible. She sighed against her, a small, half-aborted sound stamped down by her embarrassment.
When Taehyun pulled back to look her in the eye, she pulled their hips flush together, almost causing Kai to fall forward. She gasped, catching herself against the door, lest she accidentally fuse together with Taehyun, stitch their skin together, and soak up all of her sweet citrusy scent for herself.
Taehyun used the opportunity to lick over Kai’s bottom lip, asking permission. “Good?”
Kai could only squeak. She was trembling all over, shivering with anticipation for something that had yet to truly start. Maybe it was presumptuous, but Taehyun had tried to swallow her heart. She said they could just do whatever she wanted to do, so she said, “Good.”
And it was easy to let her in.
Kai used to be shy. Or, rather, she used to be shier. A kiss would have her burning, pulling away to hide her face in her manicured hands, but now, though her actions were still slow and hesitant, she was ready to take. The opportunity was right in front of her, and Yeonjun wasn’t there to stop her. Taehyun’s tongue slid into her mouth slowly, licking over the top of her teeth once, before sliding closer to suck on her tongue. Kai met her in the middle, her breath quickening when Taehyun pulled back and sucked on her bottom lip.
She pulled Taehyun’s hands from her hips and slid them down to cup her ass. She wanted her hands all over. She just wanted her. Everywhere, anywhere. Inside. Kai was trembling with the need to be touched, and the overwhelming sensation of being touched.
She could feel Taehyun smile into the kiss, nip at her lip, and the confidence it gave her was like a balloon in her chest. She swelled up with it. Excitement, nerves. A mix of the two, maybe. She was doing something right. She was doing something so right that Taehyun grinned into her mouth as she slid her hands across her body.
It felt good to kiss someone she barely knew. An almost stranger. That, with the lingering thoughts of Yeonjun in her mind, felt as though she were doing something she wasn’t supposed to. It had her shifting on her feet, squeezing her legs together, and grinding against the fabric of her jeans the best she could. She wanted Taehyun’s hands there too. Between her legs, under her clothes.
She couldn’t help but wonder where Yeonjun was. If she was waiting downstairs, tapping her foot. Or maybe— Maybe she could be right outside the door, listening to Kai’s quiet gasps and Taehyun’s hums. Maybe she knew Kai wanted Taehyun’s hands under her clothes. Maybe she knew Taehyun wanted it too, and she was looking for both of them right now.
Taehyun’s fingers crept up to the hem of Kai’s shirt, hesitating, asking. Kai helped her by sliding her hands underneath, granting her silent permission and shivering when she felt the cool metal of her rings against her ribs. She could slip her fingers between them if she wanted to. Kai’s mind was full of mist, warm like Taehyun’s breath and quiet asks of approval, but she’d let her do anything right about now.
“Can I take this off of you?” She asked, still whispering. It was just them, but somehow her whispering made the moment feel smaller. Like everyone else in the house had disappeared. (Everyone except Yeonjun. She didn’t know if she should feel guilty for it, if it was disrespectful to Taehyun, but it was almost as if Yeonjun was still in the room with her. Almost as if she wanted her to be.)
Kai nodded, already shrugging off her jacket and tossing it to the floor. She didn’t have the mind to be embarrassed by how it might come across—desperate, eager. She didn’t have the mind to apologize to Yeonjun for treating her gift as such either. She raised her hands so her shirt could slide off easily, and Taehyun watched with laser-focused eyes and parted lips.
Her bra was lacy, black like the rest of her outfit. Like her eyeliner, which Yeonjun helped her with in the bathroom before they left. Kai had always thought the lace looked pretty against her skin, but as Taehyun cupped her boobs over her bra, she thought the lace looked prettiest when Taehyun was touching it too.
“You’re so beautiful,” she said, whispering again. Her still shaking hands slid over Kai’s body as if she were a delicate thing. Something to be handled with care.
And Kai felt like it. Beautiful. Soft. Something fragile. Taehyun made her shake and tremble with no effort at all. Maybe she was more delicate than she thought she was, sensitive despite her height, her muscle, her curves.
Taehyun moved slower than she expected her to. She took her time looking at her, touching up her back, and grabbing at her hips. Kai had expected party hook-ups to happen fast. Dirty. She hadn’t expected Taehyun’s gentleness either, her whispers, or her hesitance before being given permission. She felt dizzy with it when Taehyun slid her hands under the cups of her bra. She looked up at her once, silently asking again, before dipping down to mouth at the skin there when Kai nodded.
Taehyun’s teeth were as sharp as they looked, and she used them to bite little nips into her chest. Blotchy-shaped love bites, hickeys turning red the longer she went on, moving up closer to her neck. Her tits barely fit into Taehyun’s hands, but not for a lack of trying. She cupped them and squeezed them together before pulling Kai’s bra down for easier access. Her nipples hardened at the stimulation, the cold of the dark room. When she dipped back down, Taehyun practically suffocated herself, and Kai wasn’t sure if she should push her chest up into her mouth or try to convince Taehyun to come up for air.
“Wanna move to the bed?” she asked, mumbling between Kai’s tits as if she’d die if she pulled away any more. She left kisses over her heart.
“ Yes, ” she said, pulling Taehyun by the wrist away from the door, walking backward until the back of her knees met the mattress. She flopped down on it, pulling Taehyun down with her.
Kai fixed her bra, trying to hold onto her goodness, trying to appease the Yeonjun that wasn’t really there. This, too, felt like something she wasn’t supposed to be doing. Lying back in a stranger's bed with a pretty girl on top of her, leaving kisses down the column of her neck, her chest, her pudgy stomach, traveling to the button of her jeans. She'd kicked her shoes off at some point in their travel from the door to the bed.
(Taehyun was falling into a stranger's bed with her, not Yeonjun’s bed. This felt like a victory. Something synonymously rewarding and pyrrhic.)
Taehyun lightly tugged on her jeans, one hand toying with the chain hanging off her belt loops. “Jeans? Off?”
Kai nodded, lifting her hips as she made quick work of her zipper. “Yes, take them off me.”
Taehyun’s hands were like a cold pack against her thighs, cooling the never-touched expanse of her skin. It was like ice water in the summertime, the sort of sensation that made her moan in satisfaction and delight.
Months, years, of a need for something suddenly hit her at full force. She’d never done this. She’d never had this. It was like letting a hungry lion out of a cage. It was too much to handle at once. She shook with it—her desire. This pent-up energy had been bubbling up for way too long. Someone was finally touching her. Someone other than her own fingers, her pillow. The toys she stole from Yeonjun’s room. Someone. Taehyun.
When Taehyun got her pants off, Kai had the urge to hide. Her cotton panties were pink, faded from wear, and not very sexy. But she couldn’t decide which was worse—keeping them on, or having Taehyun take them off of her. That would surely make Yeonjun mad if she were to find out, and Kai didn’t want to upset her. Though she couldn’t figure out why, this already felt like a betrayal, something taboo that felt too good to stop.
Yeonjun plagued her, but Taehyun was a temptation too good to pass up. Taehyun was there.
“You too.” She tugged at Taehyun’s loose tank top, pleading for her to take it off even though she could see down her top all night. “Please,” she added as an afterthought. Maybe Taehyun would do it quicker if she were a sweet girl. Yeonjun gave her anything she asked when she was sweet.
Taehyun tossed her tank top off quickly, and her many necklaces jingled with the effort. They fell over her small chest, some of the pendants and charms slipping into her black sports bra that hid her away. Kai wanted to get her mouth on her anyway, but Taehyun’s priorities were in refocusing on kissing down Kai’s body. When she got down to her hips, she panted against the coarse patch of hair there, staring at her happy trail with a poorly veiled expression of lust. She was practically drooling against her, frozen by the sight.
Kai hadn’t been embarrassed by it before. Her body hair, her tendency to let it grow out for too long before trimming it down. She wasn’t embarrassed now, but having someone so close, having her eyes eat her up like that— “Sorry. I didn’t shave or anything...”
“That’s okay!” Taehyun said almost too quickly, finally breaking her streak of whispering in the dark. Her voice was shaky. Too loud. “It’s okay. I like it. Can I…?” She snuck a finger into the elastic of the cotton panties she was so embarrassed about. She pulled at it, snapping it back against her hip.
Kai looked away, blushing with the effort not to squeeze her legs closed. Taehyun was settled between them, her hands resting on her hips. If she were to close them, she’d trap Taehyun between her thighs. She’d probably like it. “Is it okay if I keep them on? You can touch me through– You can touch me. Anything. If you want…”
“Okay,” Taehyun said simply. Happily, as if Kai had given her a gift. She smiled, cat-like, her eyes squinting into crescents. ”I want to.”
Then, she dipped down to kiss her through her panties, her lips a ghost of a touch against her. She felt like whispers, like giggles. Warm, gentle, and wet. She kissed her once, poked her tongue out to lick her through the cotton, and then kissed her again.
Kai’s entire body trembled, half from the feeling of Taehyun’s breath against her, half from the sight of her between her legs. Her eyes were closed as she kissed her gently, occasionally poking her tall nose against Kai’s clit. Every time she did so, her hips jerked with the effort not to grind down against her face.
Kai rested her hand on top of Taehyun’s head. And she was right. Taehyun’s hair was still long enough to pull on if she wanted to. But Kai didn’t, she just rested her hand, feeling her little nods as she practically made out with her clothed pussy.
Taehyun was giving. Generous and happy with anything Kai was willing to take from her. Kai knew then that she’d never be able to leave Taehyun alone after this. She’d think of her for weeks, months. She’d touch herself in her room, remembering this moment, this moment that had yet to end. She’d think of her instead of whatever it was she used to think about before. Kai couldn’t remember. It was irrelevant now.
Little Mmh’s! and Ah’s! were pulled from her involuntarily, squeaks and whines. Kai couldn’t help but wonder how it would feel without her panties on, but Yeonjun’s presence downstairs kept her from voicing it. The jacket Yeonjun had gifted her was lying in a slump on the floor. She was there.
It wasn’t nearly enough, and Kai started trembling with the desperation it filled her with. Little Please please please’s left her lips in a whisper just as quickly as she thought them. She hadn’t realized she said them out loud until she heard herself, and felt Taehyun begin to lick more, deeper, leaving even wetter patches in her panties.
Then, it wasn’t long before she was sucking her, causing Kai’s hips to lift up off the mattress with a squeal.
She was already so wet. So sticky. Sensitive. If Taehyun were to really peel her panties off, she’d see it, and her tongue only made Kai wetter. Kai wanted to feel the cold air of the room, but she left them on. She left them on for Yeonjun.
Taehyun’s arms wrapped around Kai’s thighs, pulling her as close as possible. It was a strange feeling, and she couldn’t help but shake and whine as she lay back and took it with an eagerness she’d have been embarrassed by if she could think clearly. She’d given up on trying to stay still, rolling her hips down onto Taehyun’s mouth. Twitching in her hands and shaking her head, she tried to get used to the feeling when Taehyun pointed her tongue and licked her the best she could through the cotton.
“Can I use my fingers? Can I finger you, Kai?” Taehyun asked so earnestly, her round eyes looking up at her, begging. She was panting against her, her chest heaving as if she’d just run a mile. As if her heart couldn’t handle it. Couldn’t handle Kai. Her hair had been tousled by Kai’s hand, her grip having grown stronger without her knowledge.
Kai ground her hips up into nothing. Taehyun's mouth was too far away now. She could cry. And Kai was too into it, and Taehyun was too sweet with the way she asked. “Yes. Please.”
“Yay!” She sat up on her knees, grinning ear to ear, and Kai suddenly felt cold without Taaehyun’s breath against her thighs. The wet patches in her panties were drying, chilling her even more in the dark room. “Give me your hand first.”
Kai held her hand out for Taehyun, confused, but obedient. She then watched as Taehyun slowly slid her rings off and slid them onto Kai’s fingers instead. Her index finger first, her ring finger, then her pinky. They fit snugly, not completely reaching her knuckles due to their size difference. Then she grabbed Kai’s other hand and did the same. Her middle finger, her ring finger, her thumb.
Both of their hands trembled as Taehyun did this, and Kai moaned at the sight when she was done. Taehyun’s chunky rings on her fingers, keeping them safe because she didn’t want to get them dirty.
Then she settled back into her previous position between Kai’s legs and pulled her panties to the side.
She slipped a finger between her folds, slicking it up with how wet she was. Kai hummed, satisfied with the small touch, while Taehyun moaned. Open-mouthed, unabashed. She moaned as if she had been the one who was touched. Kai had caused that with no effort at all. Kai had been the reason. Taehyun then pulled it to her mouth, seemingly in a daze as she licked the taste of Kai from her finger with a smile.
She momentarily wondered what she tasted like. She had always been too nervous to try herself, even though she was always alone in her bedroom.
“Taehyun…” A pleading. Whiny and begging. Kai could hear how she sounded. Desperate.
Good was not an apt enough word to describe the feeling of Taehyun slipping two fingers inside of her. Amazing wasn’t right either. Nor was fantastic or wonderful or fucking brain melting. Her head was buzzing, and she could feel the blood rush to her cheeks, rendering her incapable of thinking of a perfect descriptor for Taehyun’s fingers. She was sure the word didn’t exist.
The feeling of someone else touching her was leagues better than the feeling of her own hands. She almost wished Taehyun had kept her rings on, but dismissed the thought when she pulled her hand up to muffle the throaty moan she couldn’t help. It wasn’t pretty. She hoped Taehyun liked the muted parts that she could hear anyway.
(The music was pulsing through the entire house. The walls shook with it. Nobody outside the room could hear her even if they tried.)
Taehyun’s rings on her fingers were against her mouth. She poked her tongue out to taste them. Metallic. She wished she could taste Taehyun’s skin on them, but she could only taste her own.
Taehyun reached up with a free hand to pull Kai’s arm down. “No, please. I wanna know what you sound like.”
Kai squeezed her eyes shut. As Taehyun spoke, she didn’t stop moving her fingers, curling them inside rather than pulling them out to pump them back in. She could barely answer with words, instead opening her mouth to stutter out a moan, gaping like a fish as she tried to get a hold of her bearings.
It was a different experience to have someone else draw sounds from her. High-pitched whines she hadn’t realized were her own until they cracked in her throat. Reflexive. Pulled from her as naturally as the ocean's tide. It was as real and true as anything else in the world. A given, an inevitability. The grass became wet when it rained, the sun lit up the sky when it rose, and Kai moaned when Taehyun touched her.
She reached a hand down, grasping at Taehyun’s shoulder. Then she moved it down to dig her nails into her forearm. An anchor. A tether to keep her from floating away. Kai felt as though she could melt into the sheets, liquify, and drench Taehyun in her desire. She hoped Taehyun would gather her up, if she did, and pour her into a fountain so she could still feel her fingers in her. Swirling around her whirlpools of want before dunking her entire self into Kai’s body of water.
“You’re so pretty, Kai. I bet that face gets you anything you want, huh?”
“ Yeah, ” was all she could say, gasping, half out of her mind. It was true, she knew it. “You. Want you. More.”
“More?” Taehyun asked. She leaned down to suck hickeys into Kai’s inner thigh. Sensitive and soft like dough, tender. She left a bite, too, and Kai hoped it bruised. She hoped it would become a blend of nasty green and purple. “Two isn’t enough? You want three?”
Kai nodded her head fervently, her eyes still squeezed shut. She was starting to see shapes and tessellations in the darkness behind her eyelids. Pretty colors in the shape of Taehyun’s name. “More,” she said, brainless. Simple. Taehyun’s hands did that to her. Taehyun’s mouth, her words. They made her simple.
As she pushed a third finger in, Kai could feel her smile, though she couldn’t see her. She had the urge to throw her arm over her mouth to muffle herself again, but Taehyun had asked her for something, and Kai was nothing but obedient to the ones who deserved it. Taehyun was giving , and she was giving her something new , so she threw her arm over her eyes instead.
Looking, seeing, was too much. She could imagine it clearly, as if her eyelids were translucent and her arm was never there. She could imagine Taehyun hovering over her, her mouth curled into a smile as her fingers pressed into every part of her body nobody else had ever touched before. She could imagine her hair in her eyes, the gel having been rubbed and sweated out. The flex of her muscle, her wide, blown eyes.
Kai moved her arm to take a peek, to see if her imagination was as accurate as the real thing.
It was.
Taehyun was staring up at her as a hawk would stalk its prey. A small thing, a rabbit, perhaps. Everything about Taehyun had been too open, too honest, too genuine. Here now, she was intense. She stared unblinking as if she didn’t want to miss a second of it. Of Kai, of her writhing and whining and moaning and sweating and– and crying. She was in tears, unshed, but manifested from the intensity of her desire. Of her pleasure. Of her guilt.
Burning shame felt good, as it was still hot and warm like a body against her.
Kai squirted on Taehyun’s hand with a yelp. An involuntary sound for an involuntary action, a squeak as the hawk dove down to dig its talons into its prey.
“Ah– I’m sorry. I should’ve warned you! I always– I’m sorry, I get messy. This always happens, I’m sorry, I should’ve–”
Taehyun shushed her with a kiss to her bare pussy, and Kai moaned something grainy. Guttural. unpretty and unclean. “It’s alright, you’re perfect. Fuck, look, my whole arm is wet.”
Perfect. Kai thought that couldn’t possibly be true. Taehyun didn’t know her enough to think so, and she could laugh at the absurdity of the definiteness in her tone. She said it as if it couldn’t be anything but true, so she let the words slide through her anyway, planting roots in her core and spreading its spindly little fingers around her. Perfect. It felt good. Like a hug. A kiss.
Kai was twitching, sweaty, and sensitive. Still, she had the intense need to give back. To thank her. She pulled Taehyun up closer, realizing that despite her toned muscle, she was easy to move. She came willingly, pliant. Kai sat up against the headboard, away from the soaked part of the mattress she’d left.
“Your turn?”
Taehyun was trembling, then. She took one look at Kai, straddled her thigh, and started trembling. She didn’t seem to care about the wetness of her, about the way Kai seeped into her jeans and left dark blotches on the inner thighs of them. She unbuttoned her jeans and pulled her zipper down just enough to push her hand inside, still wet with Kai on her fingers, to rub herself over her panties. Kai wanted to see them, she wanted to know the color.
“It’s okay, just sit and be pretty for me, I’m close already.”
Kai wasn’t sure what to do. She wanted to touch her, give back, and return the favor. Pull Taehyun’s jeans off and replace her hand with her own. But she just watched. She lay back against the mattress and looked up at Taehyun, handsome, pretty, who had her eyes squeezed shut and her mouth hanging open.
The sounds she made were pitched, high in her throat, and completely shameless. Honest, raw, just like the rest of her. Just like everything else she did. She blinked her eyes, trying to open them long enough to look back at Kai, but failed when her hips jerked and her thighs trembled. She threw her head back instead, exposing the column of her neck. Kai wanted to bite. To lick the thin sheen of sweat that coated her.
“Can I, please?” Kai’s voice was small, and she wasn’t sure if she had truly meant to say it out loud. It was a quiet desire, one she’d been trying to hold inside. She was shaking with it, bubbling up until it spilled out.
Taehyun pulled her hand out, sitting up to pull her jeans down her thighs. Black was the answer to her previous question. Taehyun’s panties were black and tight against her skin.
“That face really can get you anything you want.” She grabbed Kai’s wrist, her grip desperate, and shoved them past the elastic. “Put two fingers in me, please, hurry.”
Kai did just that. Tentative, unsure. And Taehyun was hot. Inside, she felt feverish. She wrapped Kai’s fingers in a burning hot desire that could make her sweat.
When Taehyun moaned, she gained her confidence. Her fingertips became fingers, she sprouted and grew. She touched Taehyun the way she’d touched her moments before. Then, she touched her the way she touched herself.
“Fuck, your hands are so– God, I knew they would be. You’re so beautiful, so perfect.”
There was that word again. Kai used it to fuel her.
Taehyun rocked her hips down into Kai’s hand, essentially riding her fingers. She hadn’t needed to do much after that. She was still wearing Taehyun’s rings, but neither of them seemed to care anymore. Taehyun joined a hand with Kai’s in her panties, working her fingers over her clit to get there faster. Kai didn’t know where to look. Taehyun’s exposed neck, her open mouth, her chest, her rolling hips.
There was a hitch in her breath, and Taehyun’s volume increased enough to tell her she was almost there. And when Taehyun came, Kai could feel it in her hands. In her bones, her chest. Taehyun’s pleasure was sharp in Kai’s body, almost as if it were her own.
Taehyun panted, her chest heaving. They both took a moment to catch their breath, Kai feeling dizzy with it and Taehyun recovering much quicker than she did.
She rolled off her lap with tired, heavy limbs. “Fuck.”
She knew it before, but she definitely knew it now. It was almost cliche, embarrassing. She wouldn’t be able to leave Taehyun alone after this. The virgin obsessed with the virgin killer, following her around like a lovesick puppy. Kai knew the type. She’d seen them look at Yeonjun with pleading eyes, begging her to love them back. To at least touch them again so they could pretend it was love. Kai wouldn’t be that. She refused to.
“Um, thanks. For this.” She wasn’t sure if that was the right thing to say. Thanks. She didn’t know if people thanked others for having sex with them. She stood up from the bed quickly, her legs like jelly, liquified just as she thought they’d be. Her clothes were tossed all across the floor, and she picked them up one by one with embarrassment. “But, I have to go. My friend is probably looking for me.”
“Oh.” Taehyun’s voice was flat. She couldn’t seem to hide her frown. “Okay. Yeah. You shouldn’t leave her alone too long if you came together.”
As Kai pulled her jeans back on, she didn’t turn to look at Taehyun. She’d be inclined to kiss her again if she did. She couldn’t do that. Another kiss, after her clothes were back on, would only make her want to take them off again.
“But before you go!” Kai could hear shuffling behind her, then a quiet curse, and a sound of victory. “Can I get your number?”
She held onto her shoes tightly, contemplating. It was only a show for herself. A performance inside her mind. Of course, she was going to turn around. “Yeah, sure!”
When Kai finally escaped, she faced another spike of anxiety. Predictably, Yeonjun was mad when she found her downstairs.
Kai had never truly known what a walk of shame was, but she supposed this was as close as she’d come to it. She kept her eyes down as she walked, seeing Yeonjun’s hands on her hips first. Angry.
“Hi, unnie.”
“Kai, what the hell? Where did you even go?!”
Kai looked around, and there was no one there to save her. No lie she could latch onto. “I just… ran into somebody I knew. Talked a bit.”
Yeonjun took one look at her and flushed even redder. Angrier. Kai could tell she knew. She felt as though it was written all over her, a bright red flashing sign with an arrow pointing right at her that said: I had sex with a girl upstairs and it was awesome! It might’ve taken form in the hickey on her neck. The kiss-swollen pink of her lips. The sweat on the back of her knees.
Yeonjun squinted. “Somebody you knew? Who?”
And Kai knew if she told her about Taehyun, she’d take her for herself. She didn’t have the time to figure out if that would upset her or not. Maybe it wouldn’t, in hindsight, after Kai got to have her first. Maybe she wouldn’t care. Maybe she would. Maybe she’d even dream of the way two of them—Yeonjun and Taehyun—would fit together in great detail. Think of it for days.
“Just… someone.”
“I know everyone you know. You don’t know people that I don’t introduce you to.” Yeonjun snatched her wrist and brought her hand up to her nose. Kai’s eyes widened in shock. She hadn’t expected her to— “You smell like sex. And are these her rings? Who was it?”
“I Don’t–”
“I can smell her on you, Huening-ah. You left me down here to… what? Hook up with the first girl you saw?”
Kai frowned. That wasn’t fair. She made it sound as if her sleeping with Taehyun was worse than her leaving Yeonjun alone. She seemed to be most angry about that, and Kai knew she would be, but it was still… wrong . Kai had tried her best. She’d kept Yeonjun in mind the entire time. She had no reason to be angry about that part.
“No. That’s not how it happened, I just–”
Yeonjun grabbed her by the wrist and led her to the kitchen. She bullied past a sea of people and pulled Kai along with her. “Come on. You’re washing your hands, and then we’re going home. I can’t believe you. Was she good at least? Was it worth it?”
“I’m sorry I left you alone. That was wrong of me.”
Yeonjun paused, pressing her lips into a thin line as she took a moment. The crease between her brows smoothed out, and Kai felt as though she could breathe again.
Yeonjun took a deep breath. “Wash your hands.”
The car ride back was tense, so much so that Kai could taste it in the air. She almost wanted to hold her breath to get away from it. Yeonjun’s anger had simmered down just a bit, but she wouldn’t look at her.
Kai felt guilty for a multitude of reasons, some of which she wasn’t sure why. Hooking up with Taehyun shouldn’t feel like a betrayal to Yeonjun. They were friends, best friends, and Yeonjun hooked up with everyone. If anything, Kai supposed she should be the one who was upset. Beomgyu, Renjun, Chanyoung, the others. That was the betrayal, if Kai truly cared about it any more than being made to feel perverse for being in her own apartment. For being forced to listen in on them.
When they got home, they washed up in silence, and it was then that Kai noticed Yeonjun was sulking. It was true. She could never stay angry with Kai for very long. Kai knew it, but those moments of irritation directed at her didn’t upset her any less.
They’d argued before, in the past, of course. Small, little, meaningless things like the time Yeonjun moved Kai’s violin case while cleaning up right before she needed to head out for her concert. Kai had panicked that she couldn’t find it, only to see that Yeonjun had left it on her bed for her. Or the time Kai was late to one of Yeonjun’s dance club performances, and was upset with her for missing her solo opening after she’d promised that she’d be there.
But they never stayed angry at each other for any longer than the heat lasted in the moment. Kai was forgiving; she rationalized things quickly and could see the other side of the argument. Yeonjun tended to hold onto it a bit longer, though, and while she wasn’t angry for long, she became pouty. Almost sad.
Kai didn’t like it when she went to bed like this, because she would wake up like this. She’d trudge around and mope with a sad face until Kai made it up to her. Until she wrapped her arms around her and held her like she had never wanted to hold anyone else.
She stood outside Yeonjun’s bedroom door for a moment. There were things she was too nervous to ask about, like why Yeonjun got so upset at the notion of people being interested in Kai, and vice versa. Why did she get so much angrier when she figured out where Kai had been, rather than upset that she left her alone at all? There were things between them that Kai ignored too easily, things that were scarier than Yeonjun being upset with her.
Ignoring these things was more for Yeonjun than it was for Kai.
Kai opened the door and quietly crawled into Yeonjun’s bed. She curled up behind her, spooning her as she wrapped her arms around her waist and tucked her chin over her shoulder. They found themselves in this position countless times.
Yeonjun was touchy, and she liked to slip her hands under Kai’s hoodies to warm them up. She’d press their cheeks together and rub against her like she were trying ot burrow into Kai’s warm skin. She’d grab at her thighs, squeezing and squeezing until Kai yelped. But Kai was touchy, too. Her hands would wander before she knew where they were going. Her fingers would caress over the softness of Yeonjun's stomach, and sometimes they’d come up to the back of her neck just to hold her there. To feel the dip of it in the palm of her hand.
“I’m sorry, unnie,” she said, hiking a leg up over Yeonjun’s. Her hands remained still over the fabric of her tight tank top. “Please don’t be upset.”
Yeonjun turned around in her arms. She squinted at her in the dark, her pout melting away the longer she looked. “I’m not upset anymore. Come here.” She cradled the back of Kai’s head, pulling her to rest on her chest. She smelled like Kai’s soap, lavender and jasmine. “I’m sorry I got mad at you. You’re just my baby. You can’t go off and– You can’t do those things. You’ve always listened to everything I say. Why not this time? Huh?”
Kai said nothing. She listened to Yeonjun’s heart beat against her chest as if it were trying to break out. When she kissed the top of Kai’s head, she relaxed her shoulders and soon fell asleep.
When she woke early in the morning with the warm sun, Yeonjun was still holding her. Through the night, she’d shifted down to tuck her head into the lucky crook of Kai’s neck, her tank top riding up her body. Her legs wrapped around one of Kai’s thighs, clinging to her like a constrictor. She pressed sleepy kisses to Kai’s neck. Light ones, sweet ones. She kissed right over the hickies Taehyun left on her last night, and the corner of her mouth was slick with drool.
Kai could tell she was still asleep.
It was only when she blinked the sleepiness away and found all of her senses again that Kai noticed it.
Yeonjun was rutting against her ever so slightly. She’d trapped Kai’s bare thigh between her legs, and the lack of layers between them made it worse. It wasn’t enough to draw any more than a sigh from Yeonjun’s lips, but it was enough for Kai to feel. To notice. To think about. And Yeonjun didn’t like to wear much to sleep. She was only in her underwear, just a tank top to cover the rest of her up. Kai could feel— She could feel. Everything.
Divine punishment. That’s what this felt like. Kai’s entire body flushed hot, and her face tingled with the effort to keep still. She didn’t want Yeonjun to wake up embarrassed; she didn’t want Yeonjun to never let her fall asleep next to her again. To rip herself away with the humiliation of what she’d done.
When Kai shifted, trying to peel Yeonjun’s arms away first, she called out to her. A whisper of a thing, an exhale of a breath.
“Ningning.” She held onto her tighter, moved her hips a little longer. Deeper. She was using Kai to get off in her sleep. Or, rather, simply to stimulate herself. It wasn’t enough for her, it couldn’t be. Yeonjun was… she knew how Yeonjun was. She’d heard it before. “Stay with me. Tired.”
Kai took a breath and swallowed. There was no escaping the jigsaw of their limbs, the trap that was Yeonjun’s embrace.
“Yeonjunie…” She carded a hand through Yeonjun’s hair, pushing it away from her face. It was bright red and freshly dyed. She left stains on her pillows, on the collars of her shirts. It matched the light blush on her cheeks, a flush from sleeping wrapped up with another body. A flush from something else. “Let’s wake up, okay? Jjunie, please.”
It seemed as though hearing Kai’s voice was enough to snap her awake, to make her aware of just what she was doing. She pulled away from Kai, almost violently, with a gasp. “Fuck. I’m sorry!”
Kai caught her by the waist, pulling her back into bed before she could step away completely. She pulled her back into her. She didn’t like it when Yeonjun apologized for things that weren’t her fault. “It’s okay! It happens. It’s fine, just… lay with me?”
Yeonjun’s panic dissipated in an instant, her shoulders relaxing. She nudged her head into Kai’s arm. She was pouting again. Hiding. “Sorry. Didn’t mean to.”
Kai rubbed circles into her back. “I said it’s okay. I’m not mad or anything.” Then a moment of silence. “You haven’t called me Ningning in a while. I was more surprised about that.”
Yeonjun snorted, closing her eyes again. It was early for her. Her eyes were sleepy, and her sleep-puffy cheek was squished against Kai’s arm. She looked soft like this, despite her usual fox-like features. She had the sudden urge to kiss her, but dismissed it as soon as it came. “I… Yeah. I’ve been missing you. We were supposed to hang out at that party. Guess it was a bad idea.”
Kai nodded. “We’ve both been busy, huh?”
Kai, with her mixture of concert band violin, her quest to find a bassist for her personal band since their last one quit, her studies, and her new burning curiosity about Yeonjun’s recent behavior. Yeonjun had been busy with… other people. Taking the time to find them again after they spoke to Kai, charming them, and bringing them home. She had her studies, too, of course, and her dance. Work. Her other friends. But the two of them haven’t had much time to hang out like they used to.
Kai felt guilty. They could’ve talked more at the party. They could’ve drank together and beaten some sore loser at beer pong. Not really. Neither of them was very good, but Yeonjun was competitive, and she’d cheat for them if Kai wanted to win, too. The point was, they could’ve been Yeonjun&Kai, just as they usually were. Just as they always had been.
“Wanna go get breakfast with me?”
Yeonjun giggled into her arm. “We don’t have any food in the fridge, do we?”
“No. Not at all.”
✦✦✦
Kai had met Yeonjun in middle school. It was a typical senior-adopts-the-little-one type of situation. She was in her last year, but took one look at Kai and squeezed her so tight that she thought she might crack a rib. But Yeonjun had kept her long past moving on to high school. She used to walk Kai to the middle school first before turning around to walk to her own school, often making her late.
Kai would feel guilty for this. Her palms would sweat in Yeonjun’s hands, and she’d walk quickly to beat the clock for her sake. But Yeonjun never seemed to mind. She’d fall back behind Kai, let herself be dragged along with a loose smile. Sometimes she’d stop in her tracks on the way there to crouch over and peer into the grass to watch an army of ants make their morning march as well. She never cared about the consequences of anything as long as she was doing it for Kai.
On Kai’s first day of 10th grade, she was there at the gate waiting for her. Then she kept her into college. They moved in together to make things easier, and Yeonjun still hadn’t let her go.
Kai didn’t think she would be the person she was today if it weren’t for Yeonjun. She’d shown her things that she had nobody else to show her. She took care of her, and she loved her. Yeonjun knew Kai better than anyone else ever had. Within the context of her life, of growing up, Yeonjun knew. She’d watched her learn to take control of her limbs. Grow into them. She was there when she got over her stage fright, there when she started to dream of big things like music, different from what her mother had taught her, and lyric journals with scribbled handwriting that would never see the light of day.
Honestly, Kai admired Yeonjun more than anyone else. Her passion, her drive, her charm. Yeonjun was good at existing, and she did so loudly. She made Kai want to be loud too, stand taller, and shine brighter.
There was a strange mix of admiration and jealousy that Kai had for her. The sort that made her want to reach out and lace her hands with Yeonjun’s in the hopes she’d be able to absorb some of what made her her. It had less to do with the idea of Kai being insecure, less to do with her wanting to be someone else, and more to do with the fact that Yeonjun was just perfect in every sense of the word.
The diner Kai picked was quiet in the mornings, but Yeonjun hummed along to the music playing in the background and danced in her seat as they waited.
Kai liked this the most about her. She went about life riding on her own rhythm, dancing when she wanted to dance, and singing when she wanted to sing. Sometimes, she seemed to be in her own world, and Kai would watch her carefully as she tried to figure out what went on in that head of hers. Lately, it had been impossible to know what she was thinking.
Yeonjun tapped her knife and fork against the table in a rhythm only known to her. “Have you found a new bassist for your band yet?”
Kai sighed at the reminder. “No. What makes it worse is that she totally quit last minute, and we have that show coming up…” She sighed again. “Maybe we should just cancel and tell them to give our spot to someone else.”
Yeonjun hummed, watching a bird peck at the ground through the window. “She tell you why she quit?”
Kai shook her head. “But it doesn’t even matter anymore. I’m starting to get desperate.” She reached over to grab Yeonjun’s hand and puckered her lips. “If only my sweet Yeonjunie could play bass, huh? You’d join my band, right?”
Yeonjun snatched her hand away with a dramatized face of disgust. “I’d learn for you if you didn’t do that.”
Kai laughed once before it simmered down quickly. “Honestly, I might just go and beg her to come back.”
Yeonjun wrinkled her nose, whipping her head back to her. “You don’t have to do that. You know, Beomgyu can play bass. I can ask her for you.”
Kai looked at her for a moment, confused. Yeonjun continued to fiddle with her silverware, feigning a nonchalance that Kai could see right through. For a while, Kai was convinced that Yeonjun wanted to set the two of them up, teasing her when Beomgyu passed them by in the library or rolling her eyes when Kai kept up with the swim team, saying, “ You’ll never make her your girlfriend if you just watch her like that .”
(Before Kai started sitting in the natatorium, she would steal glances at Beomgyu the only way she could.
The music rooms were in the same hall as the locker rooms that the swim team used after practice. This was because, before they were music rooms, they were storage rooms. Kai supposed that music students were always an afterthought, even on a campus as large as this one, but she wasn’t particularly bothered by it.
The only issue was when the swim team wrapped up practice and headed to the showers. The door to Kai’s favorite room didn’t have a curtain over the window, so anyone could peek in or out into the hall.
And honestly? Kai had tried her best. She’d try to keep her head down when she heard the giggle and chatter of the swim girls come down the hall, gluing her eyes to her sheet music or recounting the strings of her violin that she was so intimately acquainted with, but they tended to wander. Her eyes, that is. It was like a magnetic force that she wasn’t strong enough to pull away from, a bare bones instinct that she didn’t realize she was succumbing to until it was too late.
She’d only ever snap her eyes up right as Choi Beomgyu passed by the small rectangular window, her high ponytail bouncing as she walked with her arms linked with some of the other girls that Kai didn’t learn the names of. And Taehyun. Taehyun was never too far behind her. Pool water dripped from her hair, and her swimsuit appeared as a blur of white and red as she passed by. That was all Kai could ever see within the seconds of her appearance.)
That was until Yeonjun brought Beomgyu home and took her for herself.
After that, Kai would’ve thought that Yeonjun wanted to keep Beomgyu away from her. It’s what she did with everyone else. She’d sleep with them once, and send them away, hovering around Kai so they didn’t come back. Whether she wanted to keep them away from herself or from Kai was unclear, but the fact that she seemed to be in touch with Beomgyu at all by this point was shocking.
“Um, I don’t really know about that.”
Yeonjun grinned, and it was almost devious. Scary. “You’re not still crushing on her, are you?”
Kai raised her hands, shaking her head. She couldn’t understand her; she thought she’d be more sulky about that notion. “No! It’s not that. I mean– I didn’t know you guys were friends.”
Yeonjun shrugged. “Yeah. Kinda. This is just better than going to beg that other girl to come back.” She said it with vitriol, as if Yeonjun had known her previous bassist well enough to hate her.
Kai tilted her head, and her bangs fell over her eyes. She should really cut them soon. “I’ve never even heard her play before, so I don’t know if–”
“She’s reliable. She won’t run off like that other chick.” She leaned back in her seat with a scoff, her arms crossed over her chest. “I knew she was a loser, and you don’t deserve that.” Then after a moment, another fake nonchalant shrug from Yeonjun, “And I heard Beomgyu is into your friend like crazy. I’m kinda doing you both a favor. You could introduce her.”
Kai perked up at the gossip. “Soobin unnie? She’s into Soobin unnie?”
Yeonjun nodded, and Kai was even more confused than before. “Yeah, so don’t go trying to get with her or anything. You’ll just hurt yourself.”
Kai rubbed at her nose, a fake defensive smile curling at her lips. “I wasn’t going to!”
“Yeah, right. I just had to warn you before I get her to help you out.” She reached over the table to pinch and pull at Kai’s cheek. “I can’t have my baby come crying to me, now, can I? I have to protect your tender heart.”
Kai thought she might be starting to figure her out. Beomgyu was unavailable and therefore safe.
When a waitress came over to take their order, Yeonjun’s eyes widened. She whipped her head around to face the window and shielded the rest of her face with her hand. “Give her my order for me,” she whispered through gritted teeth.
When Kai turned to greet the waitress, she was only made more confused by Yeonjun’s behavior.
“Oh. Hi, Taehyunie.” She couldn’t help the endearment from slipping out. She knew her, she was with her just last night. The closeness and familiarity were still lingering. The feeling of her hands against her skin, her breath against her neck.
“Hey, Kai! It’s funny seeing you…” Her eyes shifted to Yeonjun, “Guys here. What can I get for you two?”
Taehyun took their order cheerfully, completely ignoring Yeonjun, who sat hiding her face like an ostrich burying its head in the sand, and she did so easily. She looked at Kai as if she were the only one there without great effort. As if it came naturally, as if Kai had this sort of pull to her that Taehyun couldn’t help but fall into. Before she left, she stopped and turned back around.
“By the way, I think you still have my rings? Are you free to meet up after my shift so I can get them back?”
Kai nervously looked at Yeonjun, who seemed to perk up a bit at that. She could see her eye peeking through her hand, her eyebrows furrowed in what could be concentration and confusion as she put two and two together. If Taehyun wasn’t looking right at her, Kai would have closed her eyes and taken a breath. She resisted the urge to flatten her lips and frown at the mention of last night. But it wasn’t Taehyun’s fault, and it wasn’t necessarily a secret either.
“Yeah, sure,” she said, resting her head in the palm of her hand. She spoke muffled, through fingers no longer wearing Taehyun’s rings. “You can just text me when you get off.”
Taehyun smiled, that toothy catty smile she did. Teasing. “Yeah?”
Kai’s skin buzzed under her gaze, and the knowledge that Yeonjun was listening to the entire interaction from across the table. “Off your shift! Um, yeah.”
“Sounds good. I’ll be back with your food!”
Taehyun then left the table silent between them. Yeonjun uncurled herself from her hiding, and Kai bit at her lip, knowing what was to come. Yeonjun would do as she always did. She would plot, and then she would take, and Kai would be left with nothing but fantasies and memories.
Yeonjun sat up, and her red hair fell over her chest as she flattened it out, untucking it from her hunched shoulders. She leaned back in the booth seat and crossed her arms, a smirk on her face, making Kai sigh. “So you were with Taehyun last night, huh?”
Kai shrugged, though there was no denying it. She’d tried to keep Taehyun’s name a secret, but she’d lost the moment Yeonjun figured it out. There was only a small part of Kai that was grateful that she could have Taehyun first. That she got to touch her before Yeonjun would yank her away. It felt like winning a game of chess. A stroke of luck that she used to get the upper hand.
“We knew each other before. Since she’s on the swim team and I… you know. Watched them a lot.”
Yeonjun nodded, refusing to look at her. But she wasn’t angry, not like last night, not how she usually was when people flirted with Kai in front of her. In fact, she was eerily calm, like the ocean before a storm. Her lips formed into a pout as she chewed on the inside of her cheek. “I know her, too. I know everyone you know.”
“So, you know that she’s really nice, and–”
Yeonjun laughed, interrupting her. “She treated you well, right? Taehyunie’s my ex. I know.”
Kai’s mouth fell open in shock, momentarily trying to figure out whether Yeonjun was just messing with her. She smiled as if she was, her eyes crinkling as she looked to Kai for her reaction. She was almost giggling. This, of course, felt like being outsmarted. Like leading her king right into checkmate under the impression that she was winning .
Kai hadn’t had her first. She wasn’t sure why that victory had meant something to her at all, but it did. It made her feel a little more like Yeonjun, perhaps. Something pretty that knew what she was doing. Somebody that people wanted. Somebody who could have things for herself.
Kai closed her mouth, opened it again, and closed it once more when no sound came out. She frowned, almost wanting to cry. “I had no idea, I’m so sorry!”
Yeonjun looked alarmed, startled when Kai’s frown deepened and her eyes rounded out in the way she knew they did when she was guilty. She quickly stood up and crossed the table to sit beside her. “Oh, baby. It’s okay. I’m not mad.”
“I’m really sorry, I didn’t know. I really wouldn’t have–”
Yeonjun pulled her into a side hug, rubbing at her arm as she moved to cradle Kai’s head into her chest. It was more for Yeonjun than it was for Kai. She did this, even when Kai wasn’t upset, squeezing her tight and rubbing at her skin as if she could pump the sadness, anger, whatever, right out of her.
“I’m not mad at you. We didn’t even end it on bad terms, it’s just… awkward to see her again.” Yeonjun smiled, looking down at her. “You really don’t remember her coming to pick me up sometimes?”
Kai flushed in embarrassment. It was something she should have known, not only to avoid situations like this, but because she usually listened to anything Yeonjun had to say. She’d remember the smallest things because Yeonjun liked to make sure she was paying attention to her. She’d ask about the outfits she wore the week prior, the meal she had for breakfast, and what her last test score was. Kai felt as though she were always studying her, and within years, it became a natural response to being around Yeonjun. To look, to notice things nobody else would. She’d notice when she curled her lashes and when she didn’t, when she was trying a new lip gloss, and when she changed her shampoo.
She was trained.
Kai shook her head. “I only pay attention to you, really.”
Yeonjun nodded. “That’s good. So, is she your type then?”
Kai’s ears burned despite her grin. She lifted her head to look her in the eye. This was a game she liked to play, too. For all of Yeonjun's confidence, her bravado, she turned pink easily. Kai liked to see how far she could go before Yeonjun got too embarrassed about it. “I dunno... Is she yours?”
Yeonjun scoffed, pinching at Kai’s cheek despite her own growing redder. “Quit that.”
She didn’t hide again when Taehyun came back with their plates. Instead, she blushed upon seeing her and watched Kai like a hawk as if she’d squawk if the two spoke to each other for anything other than pleasantries, please’s, and thank you’s. She’d watch Taehyun go with sharp eyes before snapping attention back to Kai.
Kai’s revelation in the early morning was this:
She might not ever understand Yeonjun at all.
Just when she thought she might understand her thought processes, her motivations when it came to Kai and the people around her, she was caught by surprise.
Yeonjun hummed and danced in her seat as she ate her waffles with a serious face. She wasn’t angry. Kai knew this very well, but she couldn’t help but be wary when Taehyun passed by their table. Check on her from the corner of her eye to make sure she wouldn’t do… something. Kai wasn’t sure what sort of reaction she was expecting.
Because of this, sometimes she had to remind herself that she knew many other things about Yeonjun. That, as much as Yeonjun had watched her grow up, Kai had been watching her back.
So, here are the facts:
- Yeonjun was possessive of Kai and didn’t like it when people flirted with her
- Yeonjun would punish Kai for being desirable and for having desires, sleeping with every girl who showed interest in Kai, and vice versa
- Yeonjun was still an enigma to her, the reason for these facts still unclear
With all of it laid out in front of her as it was, Kai could jump to conclusions she’d been too nervous to speak out loud. She could make many assumptions and decide what to do about them from there.
Here they are:
- Yeonjun will pick and choose when fact #1 and #2 are applicable. (Ex. Her willingness to allow her to get close to Beomgyu.) ((Assumption not yet backed by enough evidence to be presented as fact))
- Yeonjun was acting from a place of jealousy and wanted to control who she interacted with
- (On par with #2) Yeonjun like liked Kai and was trying to get her attention in the only way she knew how
There were many things to do with these facts and assumptions, and Kai could mull over them all morning, look at Yeonjun beside her to try to study her mind via staring directly at her forehead, hoping every thought would be hologram-projected above her head, but she did nothing. She didn’t think about it any more than that, even as Yeonjun rested her head on Kai’s shoulder. Even as Yeonjun put her hand on Kai’s thigh as if it belonged there. To them, sometimes, it did.
She ate her waffles and hummed as Yeonjun spoke to her about this and that, and she thought about asking Taehyun if she could keep one of her rings.
This, unlike everything else she did, was more for herself than it was for Yeonjun.
✦✦✦
Kai was a lover first and foremost, but she was almost starting to envy Yeonjun and her ability to properly ghost people.
That wasn’t to say Yeonjun wasn’t a lover, too. She loved, however short-lived it may be. Kai had seen her treat the girls she brought over tenderly. She gave them water and crowded them against the kitchen counter in giggles. She’d pay for their meals and drive them around and listen as they talked about whatever it was they wanted to talk about. She'd share things with them, and sometimes save up lines and locations for the next lover to make them feel special. “I’ve never taken anyone to this spot before. It’s my favorite.” She’d bring them home, kiss at their love-bitten necks, and murmur all sorts of things Kai wished she couldn't hear through the walls. Despite this, Yeonjun was earnest. It was real to her in the moment.
Before the odd game of chess she started, before she started chasing girls Kai was interested in, she’d tell Kai all about the new object of her desire. She’d giggle into her hands, she’d hide behind strands of her hair that she brought to her mouth like a shield. All this, and she wasn’t dating any of them. Not then. But Kai could tell. Even though it was casual—that’s what Yeonjun said. It’s what she always said—she loved her girls in some form, and she didn’t care who saw it.
She simply got bored easily. And maybe that was her flaw—the only one Kai would ever acknowledge. She loved so hard, cared so deeply, but nobody could ever keep her attention for long enough to see just how deep it could go.
(Kai had, though. In some shape, some form of love, she’d seen it. The bottomless pit that was Yeonjun’s heart, filled to the brim with nothing but kindness for those that could hold enough of it.)
She stared at her phone. The messages from an unsaved number stared back at her.
xxx-xxx-xxxx: Hi !! It’s Taehyun !
xxx-xxx-xxxx: I get off work in about 20 minutes. Are you free? We can just meet up here
xxx-xxx-xxxx: Or I can come to you. Whatever works
She’d wanted to stay away from Taehyun, for fear she would feel something brewing in her chest. An infatuation, something worse than an attachment after sex. When she’d given Taehyun her number, she planned to ignore any messages. Avoid her.
But her rings. The temptation in the form of texts on her phone.
Kai was no thief, and the sight of them sitting on her nightstand would haunt her with guilt until she would break and text Taehyun about them first. And Kai wasn’t a texter, was the thing. She didn’t know how to go about answering at all. She couldn’t tell whether Taehyun was looking for anything more than her rings. She couldn’t tell whether she wanted Taehyun to be asking for anything more.
She saved her number.
You: hey! it’s fine i’ll meet you there ! :3
Kang Taehyun: Okie
And Kai wasn’t one to give in to temptation often. She was disciplined, waking up at the same time every morning, eating the same breakfast if it was available, and always on time for her classes or her band practices or whatever it was she might be doing. But this was new. Uncharted territory after passing through a hedge. A siren song that made her want to leap over the edge into the water. She was becoming greedy with desire. It was why she wanted to keep away from Taehyun in the first place.
Kai had walked, not wanting to bother Yeonjun with asking her to drive her there, and not wanting to inconvenience Taehyun by having her go out of her way to stop by their place. She watched her feet take her there as she walked, one foot in front of the other. She had time to turn back, but she hadn’t considered the notion even once. She thought about all the things Taehyun might say to her when she saw her. She thought about Taehyun taking her back to her own place and lying her down the same way she did at that party. She thought about her hands, her fingers, her mouth. She could remember them all. She wanted more of them.
It was as if something inside of her had been caged up and was now stirring as it awoke in Taehyun’s presence.
Taehyun was smoking outside her car by the time Kai got there. She leaned against it, illuminated by the yellow street lamp, and the dull glow of her cig winked like a dying star as she brought it to her lips. Kai wasn’t aware that athletes smoked. She almost wanted to ask her about it. Almost wanted to try it, to suck the smoke right from her mouth.
The night was chilly, and Kai’s faux leather jacket was doing nothing to shield her from it. She held Taehyun’s rings in her hand, hidden in her fur-lined pockets. They were like weights against her fingers. She almost didn’t want to give them back. She wanted to put them in her mouth.
“Hey, Kai!”
Kai jogged up, awkwardly closing the distance quicker. She tried not to grimace at the cigarette smell in the air. “Hey.”
“Did you walk here?” Taehyun asked, looking down the street from where she came.
“Uh, yeah. It’s not that far from my place. I just… thought it would be easier for you.” She fumbled to pull her fist from her pocket. Her sleeve snagged on the zipper there for a moment. “Here– Here are your rings, by the way. I’m sorry, I really didn’t realize I was still wearing them when I left.”
Taehyun smiled, dropping the pinch of her cigarette to the ground before stomping it out. Her boots made her taller today. “It’s all good,” she took the rings from Kai’s hand, and it felt touchier than it needed to be. Her fingers slid over her hand softly, almost enough to tickle. Then she slipped them on one by one. “Can I give you a ride back? It’s kinda cold.”
Kai shivered in her jacket, looking at Taehyun's car. The driver's side window was rolled down halfway, and something David Bowie played quietly from the stereo. Her car was old. Something 2000s, maybe, and probably rickety. The type that would need a push up a steep hill. Most of all, it looked warm .
“Yeah, okay. Thanks!”
Taehyun smiled, jogging over to the passenger side door to open it for her. It seemed to take some force. “Of course. The least I could do. Just give me directions, okay?”
Taehyun turned the stereo up when she got in, tapping her ringed hands against the steering wheel. Supersonic by Oasis.
“I love this song,” Kai couldn't help but say, watching her as she buckled her seatbelt with a bop of her head. Taehyun almost reminded Kai of Yeonjun in this way. She felt music with her entire body, and Kai momentarily wondered if she could sing or dance too. “I actually covered it with my band some time ago.”
“Really?” she asked, pulling out of the parking lot. “Holy shit, that’s awesome. What do you play?”
“Drums,” Kai said proudly. ”Turn this street here. And I play violin for the school concert band, but.” She shrugged. “Other stuff too.”
She couldn’t help but want to show off. It almost felt like shouting, jumping up and down, and going Look at me! I can be cool too, I can be cool like Yeonjun unnie.
“Oh, that’s right. I’ve seen you carrying your violin case around campus sometimes.”
Kai looked up, surprised. “You’ve seen me?”
“Yeah. I told you I’ve been wanting to talk to you more. I just didn’t get the chance until now. It’s kinda hard to catch you alone,” she said, and the implications of that hung in the air.
Kai’s skin prickled. It was then that she remembered who Taehyun was. Yeonjun’s ex. And that she was trying not to fall into her orbit. To cut off this– whatever it was before it became a thing. Taehyun hadn’t even come up to her until recently because Yeonjun was guarding her like a dog. She probably didn’t want to see Yeonjun at all, if the way she easily ignored her at the diner was any indication.
Kai had the feeling she was getting caught in the middle of something terrible.
“Anyway. Drums are pretty awesome. I’d love to watch you play sometime.”
“Oh, well. I don’t know.” She pulled on her seatbelt, a fidgeting habit. “We– We’re kinda in a rough spot right now. We lost our bassist.”
“Oh, my god. I’m so sorry, that’s awful.”
Kai jumped. “She’s not dead or anything! She just… left.”
“Aw, that’s a shame.” She sounded genuinely disappointed. “I hope you get that sorted out soon.”
Kai directed her to another turn. They were nearly there now. She tried not to be disappointed.
She kneaded her lips together before speaking. The idea of rejecting Taehyun this way made her restless. She couldn’t help but pedal back and say: “But we do kinda have someone in mind to replace her. So yeah. We have a gig coming up, if that works out.”
Taehyun perked up, stealing a glance at her from the corner of her eye. “Yeah? Where is it? Maybe I can make it.”
She was just drawing a crowd for her band. It was for the band.
“You know that little venue around the street from the park? You can probably fit like 300 people in there. We’re lined up for sure if I can get Choi Beomgyu to come with us and practice enough.”
Taehyun raised her brows. “Our Beomgyu unnie? Swim team Beomgyu?”
“Oh! Yeah. Yeonjunie told me she can play bass. She’s kinda my last resort right now, or we’re going to have to give up our spot.”
Taehyun nodded slowly. “And, you and Yeonjun. What’s going on with you two? Are you guys dating?”
Kai’s body reacted almost violently, sitting up straight as if she’d been electrocuted. “Uh! No! We’re friends. She’s not– I’m not seeing anyone. Right now.”
“Oh. That’s good. I mean, since we hooked up at that party.” She stole a glance at Kai again. Something humorous, with nervousness veiled underneath. “I’m not trying to ruin anything. Or have an angry girlfriend chasing after me. Yeonjunie can be a bit… hard to shake.”
She tapped her fingers against the steering wheel, and Kai couldn’t help but wonder what that meant.
She shook her head, picking at the skin of her nails. “No. There’s nothing there. Nothing to ruin.” It didn’t feel like the truth. Still, she said it.
“And she’s cool with you talking to me? I mean, I assume you know we used to–”
“Yup!” Kai interrupted. The topic made her jumpy. The concept of the two of them existing in the same universe—It was inconceivable, despite there being a history she knew nothing about. “She wasn’t upset or anything. It’s really fine.”
Taehyun moved her hand to rest on Kai’s thigh. It trembled the slightest bit. She spread her fingers across, just resting. Kai still wanted her rings in her mouth. “Okay. Cool.”
“Just turn here, I’m right down this street.”
Taehyun squinted as she drove slower. “This is familiar. Wait, do you guys live together? You and Yeonjun unnie?”
Kai nodded. “Yeah. We have the whole time,” she said awkwardly.
Evidently, Taehyun didn’t remember her much either from her time with Yeonjun. Granted, the two of them didn’t spend any time at their apartment. Kai remembered being alone most days, and sometimes she ended up inviting Soobin over to play LoL, and the hours passed by in blurs. She didn’t care much for the outside world then, or who was or wasn’t coming in and out of the apartment.
When Taehyun stopped the car, Kai moved quickly, unfastened her seatbelt, and reached for the door. “Thanks for the ride.”
Taehyun squeezed her thigh. It rendered her completely still, like a spell, a welcome command. “Hey, wait.”
When Kai turned back to face her, Taehyun was close. She was just a touch away, slightly leaning over the center console. “I want to see you again,” she whispered. “For real, not just from an excuse to get you alone.”
Kai’s breath quickened. It was then that she realized that it was Taehyun who had a pull to her, and like a current, Kai hadn’t realized she was being dragged in. It was too late to turn back because she was already making justifications for things she’d yet to do.
The closeness she was feeling, the closeness she felt, it was all her. A phantom feeling, a craving she could taste in her mouth. “Is that what this was?”
Taehyun laughed slightly, and Kai was close enough to feel it on her face. “Yeah. I could’ve just bought new rings. Sorry for making you come all the way out there. I was feeling selfish.”
Kai swallowed. Unsure. “You really want to?”
“Yeah. Been planning on it since you walked out that door last night. Since before then, actually.”
Kai wasn’t sure what possessed her to lean in and kiss Taehyun, but that’s what she did. It was different from their kiss at the party.
It got hot and desperate too quickly. Kai was less tentative, reaching over to pull at Taehyun’s collar, fisting it in her hand, and trying to pull her impossibly closer. She hoped that it would wrinkle when she let go. She hoped Taehyun would keep her handprint in her clothes for the next week. Forever. Wear it like a brand.
Taehyun tasted like rosy lip balm and cigarettes. Kai wanted to suck on her tongue and steal it from her, so she did. Her hands trembled as she held on tight, her knuckles likely whitening with the effort to keep her in her grasp. Clumsily, she sucked Taehyun’s tongue into her mouth, and it was an odd feeling.
Taehyun’s thumb rubbed circles on Kai’s inner thigh, her hand occasionally squeezing in its trembling effort not to wander. She inched it up closer to the heat of Kai’s body before dragging it away again, seeming to hold herself back.
“Should we go inside?” Taehyun asked against her lips, her breath quick and hot against her.
“No. We can’t. We shouldn’t.”
Yeonjun was right inside. They were parked outside their apartment, and if she looked out the window, surely she’d recognize Taehyun’s car.
Kai thought about it for just a moment. Yeonjun coming outside and knocking on the window, yanking open the door only to see how Kai had pulled Taehyun across the center console, if she could, straining her neck up to kiss her as Taehyun straddled her lap. She thought about Yeonjun watching. Wondered if she’d be angry, in shock, or a third thing that made her too dizzy to think about.
Taehyun seemed to read her mind somehow. She climbed over, her clunky boots kicking at the steering wheel and the stereo, changing the volume as she climbed into Kai’s lap. It was loud. Too loud. And Kai could sense it, Taehyun’s eagerness. It was palpable in the air just as well as the humidity that emanated from their bodies. She reached a hand down and pressed another to Kai’s chest to push her seat back until she was completely horizontal.
“Because she’ll be mad, won’t she?” Taehyun asked, whispering into Kai’s mouth like it was the truth. As if she knew something she wasn’t supposed to. Yeonjun, remaining an unspoken word for Taehyun but an everlasting thought for Kai. “You guys are actually together, aren’t you?”
“No! No, of course not. It’s just–”
“That’s fine,” she interrupted, looking down her nose at her. Her hand was still on her chest. She seemed tentative for a moment, her hands shaky as she considered her next words. “Yeah, it’s fine. We can stay in the car, just kiss me.”
And Kai did. She listened well because there was something in Taehyun’s voice that made her want to. Maybe it was the way she said it, as if she’d be rewarded if she obeyed. Maybe it was her tone, her pitch, the slight shake in it. Kai wanted to listen; she wanted to satisfy her enough to make her smile against her lips. To nip at her with her teeth until she bled in her mouth. She wanted to make Taehyun want more just as much as she did.
She pulled Taehyun down against her lips as she moved her hand over Kai’s belt. Her buckle was large and clinked with every movement she made.
“Can I? I want to touch you. Please?”
Kai helped her unbuckle it. “Yeah. Yes, please.” She undid her button and pulled down her zipper just enough for Taehyun’s hand to slip inside.
Being touched felt better than she remembered. Even more so with the knowledge, the sight of Taehyun wearing her rings this time. Kai hadn’t cleaned them past a wash of her hands. They probably still smelled like Taehyun from when she’d rode her fingers. (That was part of the reason why she wanted to keep them. A nasty, perverse thought she didn’t let herself fully have.)
“Ah. That’s good,” Kai said breathlessly, already starting to overheat. She could barely hear herself over the music, Guns ‘N' Roses causing a racket in the back.
“Yeah? Want me to get you off? Right here? We’re still in my car, Kai, anyone could see us.”
Kai trembled, her hips rolling down into Taehyun’s hand. Her voice was watery when she spoke, uncontrolled like the jerk of her hips. “Good.”
“Good?” Taehyun asked, almost in laughter. “You like that? You want someone to see you?”
Kai couldn’t answer. She didn’t want to. Saying it out loud would be too honest. She could think of it as many times as she wanted, imagine it in the safety of her mind. Yeonjun catching her, Yeonjun watching, but to admit it out loud would make it a real desire. It would cross a line she drew herself, albeit a bit too close to the shore.
“Yes,” she said, and it was almost funny.
Growing up, Kai had never liked other people’s eyes on her. She’d avoid their gaze with everything she had and burn under the attention. It was only when she started performing that she craved it. Only when Yeonjun started attending her shows and standing front row did she realize how good it felt to be paid attention to.
To have Yeonjun, of all people, give her attention was even better. A girl as bright as the sun, fiery and confident in her existence. To get her head to turn, to get her eyes on her, it would be a greater reward than the pleasure of hands against her sensitive skin.
Taehyun laughed, almost giddy. “I didn’t expect that,” she whispered. “Should we move outside? Should I press you against the side of my car while I fuck you like this? Will you leave your lip gloss on my windows? Or will it be too cold with your tits against the glass?”
Kai moaned, and the air was too hot around her. Stuffy and suffocating. Taehyun was so close, breathing her air and puffing hot pants against her neck. Her head spun with the colors of Taehyun’s eyes, the pink of her lips, and the white glint of her smiling teeth.
“Your girlfriend might see us. That okay with you, Kai?”
A knock on the window startled them both, and Kai gasped as Taehyun snatched her hand away.
Taehyun leaned back up, looking through the passenger side window. Much to Kai’s disappointment and humiliation, it wasn’t Yeonjun. It was one of their neighbors, an old woman with glasses too big for her face. She’d seen her countless times, waved to her in the mornings, and helped her with her mail.
She gestured for them to roll down the window.
“I’m sorry, girls, but your music is too loud! Have some respect for the rest of us that are trying to get some sleep. Take it inside, please.”
Kai remained on her back, the seat not yet fixed upright. She covered her face with her hands, not bothering with her jeans that were still open. She felt flayed open. Dissected. Taehyun had left her raw, aching for more. Her chest was heaving, and her entire body simmered in embarrassment.
But somehow, she still wished it were Yeonjun. She might’ve asked Taehyun to keep going. She might’ve looked into Yeonjun’s eyes while she–
Taehyun immediately reached over to turn the stereo off. “I’m so sorry, ma’am! We um,” she looked to Kai, who was still hiding in her hands. “We got carried away.”
The woman shook her head before turning to leave, and Taehyun climbed back into her own seat, careful with the stereo this time. Kai felt cold without her weight on her.
“Sorry,” Kai said after a moment of catching her breath. Suddenly, it felt as though she were breathing too much, and her lungs felt cold, too. Too full. She zipped up her jeans, fixed her belt. “Sorry.”
“It’s fine. I should’ve fixed the volume when it happened. To be honest, I didn't even realize. We’re just lucky that lady was nice about it.”
Kai fixed her seat upright, feeling ridiculous. “Yeah. Um. Thanks for the ride. I’ll… see you?”
“Yeah,” Taehyun smiled. Her lips were pink and kiss-swollen. Her cheeks were flushed, and she looked at Kai like she wanted to eat her. “See you.”
And Kai could only imagine what she looked like as she hobbled out of Taehyun’s car, her legs shaky and her cheeks burning red. She felt as if she were unraveling, leaving a trail of Kai-thread behind her as she walked up the stairs. She just hoped it wasn’t too obvious to Yeonjun, and hoped she didn’t look too worked up.
“Where did you go?” Yeonjun asked, waiting for her on the couch with her arms and legs crossed. She only had the lamp on, and Kai would laugh at the sight straight out of a movie if she didn’t feel like a deer caught in the headlights.
She couldn’t lie. Not to Yeonjun. Not ever. “I went to give Taehyun her rings back.”
Yeonjun stood up and crossed the room with startling speed. “You went to fuck her too?”
Kai shook her head. It wasn’t her intention. It was her hopeful thinking. Her perverted desire.
Yeonjun cupped her face in two hands, and Kai was caught, forced to look her in the eye. “Look at you. I can see it.” She thumbed over Kai’s bottom lip, pulling it down enough to expose her bottom row of teeth before releasing her face from her hold entirely. Still, she remained close. “She was here.”
Yeonjun did something different. Different from her usual touchiness, from her usual lack of hesitance in getting her hands on Kai. She grabbed Kai by the belt loops and pulled her against her. She slid her thigh between Kai’s legs and pushed up. “She was here too, wasn’t she?”
Kai gasped, opened-mouthed and uncontrolled. She was still twitchy for something. Coming down from the short burst of stimulation Taehyun had given her. All she could do was nod. Her body trembled, unraveling even further as Yeonjun held her there.
She could grind down against her. She could use Yeonjun’s bare thigh to get off, hold her close, and listen to her angry voice as she spat about Kai being her baby. About how Kai shouldn’t be out doing these things with other people. But she didn’t. Kai had self-control, though she’d almost forgotten it entirely while she was outside with Taehyun in front of her.
She didn’t move. She let Yeonjun squeeze her hips and tuck her face into the crook of her neck. She wondered if Yeonjun could smell the scent of Taehyun on her. She wondered if she could smell the inside of her car, her cigarettes. The notion made her shake.
“That’s not fair,” Yeonjun whispered, just quiet enough for Kai to almost miss it. But she was so close, and she held Kai so tightly against her body; it would be impossible for Kai not to hear even the slightest intake of air from her lungs. The hinges of her joints, the beat of her heart.
Kai didn’t pull away. She didn’t want to, despite the frustration simmering under her skin. That’s not fair? For her, or for Yeonjun? If Yeonjun wanted her attention this whole time, she had it. How could she not? That’s not fair. It wasn’t fair for Kai to chase after her attention and have her efforts go over her head. For Yeonjun to do this to her now that she had a taste of something else. Someone else.
Still, she shook, not with anger but with the effort to keep everything else she felt inside. “Are you mad?” she asked in a whisper, bringing her hand to the back of Yeonjun’s head.
Yeonjun tisked, stepping away from Kai completely. It left her cold, colder than Taehyun had left her, and unsteady on her feet. “No. I’m not mad.”
Then, she turned and left the room, leaving Kai reeling. Alone.
Kang Taehyun: You look cute when you’re all embarrassed
Kang Taehyun: I would’ve eaten you right up if we had the time. What a shame
Kai stared at this for a handful of minutes too long, and didn’t answer. She locked her phone and washed up hesitantly, not wanting to wash either Taehyun's or Yeonjun’s hands off of her.
She wondered if it was right. Wondered if these thoughts were a disservice to both of them, and if she were horrible for thinking them.
Yeonjun was her best friend, but she found that if she’d stolen a kiss from her right then, Kai wouldn’t have minded it at all. She’d have kissed her back and let the taste of her melt in her mouth, spread through her body like something warm. Something healing. Taehyun had truly awoken something in her. Something greedy and curious, and sensory seeking.
She would let Yeonjun do anything to her, really, but couldn’t decide if it was a good thing or not. If it was right to want to lie down and let her treat her like one of her girls. She wondered if Yeonjun would get bored of her like she did with the rest of them. If she’d treat her so well, so lovely, only to go back to what they were before. What they are right now.
She wondered if it was normal not to care about the consequences of any of this at all. She wondered if it was okay to think these things. To hope that if Yeonjun had kissed her, if she had slid her hands underneath her clothes, traveling further than the lines of friendship allowed, that she would be good enough to entice Yeonjun to come back for seconds. Thirds. That she would outlast all her other hookups and all the girls that came next would never be able to get the taste of Kai out of Yeonjun’s mouth.
Part of her knew that she’d always felt this way. That she’d never been able to deny Yeonjun of anything, even the right to steal things from her, like touches and women and imaginary kisses.
But it seemed as though Yeonjun was done stealing. Or perhaps she was too cowardly to take what was left out in the open for her to pocket for herself. If Yeonjun wanted to cry for her attention, to stick her fingers into the thick tubes of her blood vessels to block everything else from getting to her heart, Kai didn’t need to put up with it. The confusion, the ache. She didn’t need to waste her time chasing the stars that seemed to follow her as she moved in the night, but kept their distance too far for her to reach out. She would look to bigger things, brighter things.
Like Taehyun. She liked Taehyun. She couldn’t pretend that wasn’t true, and that she couldn't see herself falling headfirst into her orbit easily. She liked her hands, her smile, and her teeth in her neck. Her sincerity, her honesty. She wanted to know just how honest she could be, she wanted to know every thought that swam behind her eyes, and why she took such an interest in Kai when she could've just let her become a memory of a good time.
Maybe she was chasing it. Those good feelings, the way the rest of the world seemed to still and quiet down into nothing when Taehyun got her hands on her. And Kai was chasing it, too, maybe. Traveling around in circles until she couldn’t tell if she was running ahead or away. She’d let her string her along for as long as she liked, and perhaps that was Kai’s problem. Maybe Soobin was right about her.
She’d let these girls get away with anything. She wanted it. She wanted so many things, too many things. She didn’t know what she wanted.
She wished she could be angry with Yeonjun, to give her the cold shoulder and refuse to talk to her until she reached out first. To show her what it was like to chase something for once. Someone. She wanted to grab her hand and kiss her from her knuckles to the seam between the palm of her hand. The back of it, her perfume-sprayed wrist, her arm. Her Shoulder. Her neck. She wanted to grab Taehyun and haul her back into her lap, feel her hot panting breaths against her lips, and steal the oxygen from her lungs. She wanted to learn the way she walked and how many times she blinked in a minute's conversation.
She replied to Taehyun’s texts in the morning.
She sent a simple selfie upon waking up from a dream; it’d be best if Taehyun never knew about it. Something about Yeonjun and Taehyun with their four hands on her body. Something she didn’t know she would want to have before Taehyun started infiltrating her fantasies. There was a light flush to her cheeks because of it as she hid half of her face behind the current plushie she had in rotation on her bed. She’d fixed her hair, looked up at the camera, all pretty, all doll-like.
She sent it without an accompanying text, not sure what else she could say. The picture said enough. I want you too.
Kang Taehyun: Good morning to you too angel
Kai hoped that whatever was wrong with her would be fixed soon.
✦✦✦
Kai saw Taehyun again sooner than she thought she would.
It was after her violin practice, packing up her sheet music into her case and getting ready to leave, that Taehyun passed her in the hall. She had a towel wrapped around her neck, dripping with pool water. She’d taken her swim cap off and hung it over her arm, and that, too, left a trail of water droplets behind her. When she recognized Kai, she paused, turned back around, and told the other girls to go ahead.
Kai took a breath as she watched Taehyun jog up to her. She could smell the chlorine from there.
“Hey!” she said, keeping her distance, as she was still soaking wet. Kai tried not to look too hard or imagine the way water droplets dripped off of her chest. “Are you done for the day?” She gestured to Kai’s violin case.
Kai lifted the case awkwardly. “Oh, yeah! Was just going over stuff again.”
“Are you doing anything after this? Wanna go get a burger or something with me?” Taehyun bounced on her toes, a jittery display of nerves that Kai had begun to find comfort in. She seemed eager, her eyes shaking as she waited for Kai’s answer.
Her eyebrows raised in surprise, and she gripped her case tightly. “Oh! I mean, sure. Yeah, I’m not really doing anything right now. Did you have a place in mind?”
“Yes! There’s a place downtown I’ve been wanting to try. Just wait here, okay? I’ll wash up fast and then we can go!”
Kai didn’t have the opportunity to reply before Taehyun was turning around and skipping to the showers. She stood there for a moment, watching her back as she left. Kai imagined her turning around to give her a smile, a knowing one, as Kai admired the muscles of her back and the sheen of her strong legs. But Taehyun didn’t turn around, and Kai didn’t get caught looking.
She stood against the wall, her violin case leaning against the wall with her like a miniature version of her. An extension of her heart. The hallway was empty, and the motion sensor light at the end side turned off as Kai waited. Still, she waited.
When Taehyun came back, she was dressed in her team's tracksuit, and her earrings were back in their rightful places, glinting metallic in her ears. And she was wearing glasses. Thick, semi-rimless glasses that made her wide eyes wider. “Hey! Sorry, I took longer than I thought. The other girls get rowdy in the showers sometimes, sharing with them is a pain. You ready to go?”
Kai nodded, and she could smell Taehyun’s soap, fresh and wet in the air. Honey and warm and yellow, and Kai wanted to take a bite of her.
“Don’t worry, I parked close. You do like burgers, right?”
Kai nodded again, and the energy Taehyun had after practice was blinding, almost. As if the water had rejuvenated her, animated her bones, and brought her back to life. She was bouncier than she was at the party, having been sultry and mellow with alcohol in her. And she was brighter than she was under the low orange streetlights after her all-day shift, void of smoke in her lungs and holding Kai under her thumb. She wasn’t sure how to handle her, to catch this version of Taehyun in her hands.
“Um, by the way,” Kai started, pink from embarrassment. “I just wanted to say that Yeonjun and I aren’t dating. For real.”
Taehyun opened the passenger side door for her, and there was something about her smile that gave off the impression that she didn’t believe her. “Okay. That’s good.”
Taehyun filled the silence between them easily as they made their way downtown. She pointed out restaurants that she’d tried with the team, the ones she liked, and the ones she didn’t. She told Kai about the time one of the girls kept a lookout for waitresses while Taehyun poured her margarita into a to-go cup because alcohol wasn’t allowed off the premises. They ended up getting caught by a manager aiding someone at the table next to them, and we’re banned as a whole. She never trusted Jungwon for anything ever again.
Taehyun spoke with bright eyes and animated hands. The car ride felt as short as a breath before they arrived. She held the door open for Kai, explaining the difference between a breaststroke and a butterfly stroke, and Kai found that she liked the way she didn’t have to come up with flat questions to fill the silence between them.
Still, she wanted to ask: “When did you start swimming?”
Taehyun smiled, her teeth like pearls and her eyes like smiles themselves. “I’ve been swimming since I was a kid. I’ve always needed something to do. I’ve always had this energy inside me that needed an outlet.” She fiddled with a napkin on the table. “It’s kind of… swimming was a good option for me because it was easy to practice at home since we already had a pool. And, I’m kind of allergic to a lot of stuff.” She adjusted her thick glasses. “And my eyes are just awful, so my very first dream of building flying cars and flying them was crushed instantly.” She said this solemnly, as if it were something to be taken seriously.
Kai’s laughter exploded from her mouth before she could stop it. “Oh no. Well, I think swimming is cool.”
Taehyun smirked, her eyes crinkling. “Yeah? Swimming, or swimmers?”
Kai felt accused. Caught. “I really meant it! I think swimming suits you. I-I actually don’t know how to swim very well. You make it look easy. Well, I guess that’s your whole thing… Do you ever want to go pro? Like seriously?”
Taehyun sat back in her seat as she soaked up Kai’s question. She pondered this for a moment, and it shocked Kai, who was expecting an immediate yes. To do something for so long, to put your entire life into it, only to stop halfway was inconceivable to her.
Kai had never been good at sports. She honestly didn’t understand the appeal, but if she could swim or run or hit a ball, she’d take it and hone it and make something of it. It’s what she did with her music. She’d grown up on rock and jazz and pop and classical guitar and piano and symphony. She chiseled at her songs until they took shape and came out right. She’d dream in music notes and walk streets of music staffs and see treble clefs in the clouds. She planned to take this and take it far. It was why her band was so important to her.
She wondered, as Taehyun looked back at her with thoughtful eyes, if Taehyun felt the same. If she breathed her sport like Kai breathed her music. If she had dreams of competitions and gold medals like Kai had dreams of large crowds and award shows.
(Distantly, Kai imagined a far future. She and her band would receive an award for Album of the Year. It would be their sophomore album, an important one for them. She’d have put her blood, sweat, and tears into it, and even more into her performances. She’d accept her award graciously, smile at Yeonjun in the crowd who’d followed her into fame with her dance, then they’d go home together because there was no timeline in which Kai did not live with Yeonjun.
They’d curl up on their couch that Kai paid for, a gift back for everything Yeonjun had bought her during her days working at a sticky convenience store, and she’d turn on the TV to see Taehyun standing proud on a podium. She’d remember the way she smelled in college, and the way she layered her jewelry with all her outfits. She’d remember the feeling of her fingers against her skin, and the way she sank her teeth into her neck, and she’d think: Maybe Taehyun still has the same phone number. Maybe I could have that again. )
“I don’t just swim,” she said. “I do a lot of things. But, yeah. I think I really want to do this forever.”
“I admire that,” Kai said. “Passion is good, it keeps you alive.”
“Is that right?” Taehyun hummed, seeming to think about this seriously too. “I guess so. I do only feel human when I’m swimming. I have a purpose in the water. I’m given a clear expectation with no ulterior motive. To win. It’s… It’s good to be asked for something you can actually accomplish.” She picked up her menu, flipping to a random page, but Kai could tell she wasn’t really reading anything at all. She almost used it to shield herself, to hide from the honesty of her words. She nodded to Kai’s violin case. “When did you start playing?”
“When I was probably too young to hold the bow up properly,” she laughed, a throaty scoff sound. “I would get scolded a lot for that.” She swallowed. “My mom played. My mom played, so of course I played too. Me and my two sisters.”
“You like it, right?”
Kai nodded. Then she paused. Then she nodded again. “I grew up on it. I truly do love classical music. If I’m not listening to rock, I’m listening to piano scores. I can’t not love it.” She paused for a moment and thought it over, rubbed her nose, and swiped her fingers across her bangs. “Hm. It’s kind of like the way you love your parents. You’ve always loved them because they’re all you’ve ever known.”
Taehyun looked at her then, and Kai looked back. For a moment, she feared that Taehyun wouldn’t understand it. That she said too much, let her words get away from her, and she said something strange.
She nodded. “Yeah. I get that. I felt that about some things, too, at some point.”
Kai nodded. “Yeah, but anyway. I prefer to play rock. I like the way it makes me feel.”
“Human?”
“Yeah. It makes me feel human.”
✦✦✦
Yeonjun was right about Beomgyu.
Kai had hosted a pseudo-audition, having Beomgyu and a few other girls that their guitarist had collected come in and play with them. Nobody seemed to fit the vibe they were going for, and some others didn’t show. It wasn’t until Beomgyu showed up on time with her bass, a beautiful thing with a sleek black finish on the body, that Kai gained hope. She greeted Kai’s bandmates kindly, breaking the ice before melting their faces with a steezy bass line. It was only practice, but she fell into harmony with the others as if she had been part of them from the beginning.
Beomgyu adapted quickly, and she played with an energy that had the rest of the girls bubbling up in excitement. She could feel it under her skin, a thrum of music, a symphony she’d been chasing for a long time now. The sort of sound only people born to come together could make.
It was during their break that Kai checked out, barely humming along to the praises the other girls were giving Beomgyu.
Kai’s phone had been buzzing with messages from Taehyun all day. Updates about her day, a picture of the sky on her way to work. A selfie with a tired face, still in her work uniform. A curse and a complaint about a customer. There was a new stream of thoughts every time she checked her phone, and Taehyun didn’t seem to mind that Kai hadn’t answered her yet. She simply kept sending them.
“What’s got you all distracted?” Taerae asked, peeking over her shoulder to look at her phone.
Kai clutched it to her chest, already incriminating herself. “It’s nothing!” Her phone buzzed again.
Taerae’s eyes lit up. “Who was that? You never text people!”
Yujin looked up from her keyboard. “Oh? Kai unnie is talking to someone? I can’t even remember the last time you were active in our group chat.”
Kai frowned. “You guys make it sound like I ignore you!”
Jay shook her head. “Isn’t it just Yeonjun? She’s really clingy, isn’t she? Do you have to leave early or something? What’d she say?”
Kai’s bandmates were nosy . She knew this very well, had figured it out when Jay had someone looking for her after a show, and everyone piled on top of each other to peek around the corner to see who it was. Kai was sure Taerae had a video zooming in on their conversation so she could ask Kai could read their lips, but it didn’t amount to anything because Taerae’s camerawork was too shaky to make out the words.
They’d take peeks into Kai’s journal, where she kept all her lyrics, and Yujin would be found with Taerae’s phone more often than not. Kai knew they didn’t mean to be invasive; it simply came with having spent so much time together. Taerae and Yujin lived in each other's pockets, Taerae cooing over her as if she’d raised her herself. Kai was afraid that they’d all suddenly merge into one, and then their respective instruments would be left alone to collect dust.
“That wasn’t Yeonjun, it was someone else, I saw her!”
Taerae liked to instigate, and it was when Beomgyu grinned at her that Kai realized she fit in with them in more ways than just music.
“Kai-ya has a girlfriend, then, huh?” She asked, shaking her shoulders, and if she had a tail, Beomgyu would be wagging that too. She bounced over to her side. “Let me see, let me see! Is she pretty?”
Jay frowned, her face contorting in confusion. “Did I miss something? Aren’t you and Yeonjun dating?”
Taerae paused for a moment, then she looked sheepish, backing away from Kai’s drum set. “They probably broke up. I heard living with your partner can tear you apart more than it brings you together.”
Yujin frowned. “Oh no… I really liked you two together, the high school sweethearts thing is cute.”
Beomgyu reeled back, looking at Kai as if she’d never seen her before. She worried her brows and softened her voice. “You guys were dating?”
Kai felt as though the floor had fallen out beneath her feet. She blanched, and her voice came out shrill and too loud at the ends. “What are you guys talking about?!”
Jay blinked, looking around the room as if Kai was the one who was being ridiculous. “You and Yeonjun?”
Kai shook her head. “Yeonjun unnie and I aren’t dating. We’ve never dated.”
Everyone stared back at her in silence, genuinely perplexed. Kai felt as though she’d walked into the wrong room. As if she’d woken up in some sort of alternate timeline. Everyone around her had sounded so sure, as if she and Yeonjun being girlfriends was a universally known fact about them. As if Kai didn’t blanch at the idea, startling her so bad that she dropped her drumsticks.
Yujin was the first to speak up. “Well… You act like you do.”
Kai could feel herself getting defensive, unable to help the thought creeping up that the way she’d been thinking of Yeonjun was obvious. Maybe she had handprints on her clothes, an aura about her that told everyone that she’d been dreaming of Yeonjun for weeks. Months, at this point. That she was perverted, thinking of her friend's body, her lips on her neck. “No, we don’t.”
“She comes to all our shows, though?”
Kai huffed. “She’s my best friend, she’s being supportive.”
Jay looked at her quizzically. “She’s hanging off of you, like, all the time. Like, hand in your back pocket while you’re waiting for your coffee type beat.” She shrugged. “With the way she acts, I just assumed. She doesn’t even let us get that close to you. And most of your clothes are hers or things she bought you. I mean, she looks at you like–”
“She’s just like that,” Kai interrupted. She didn’t need an analysis of her friendship with Yeonjun to be thrown in her face right now. She knew it was atypical. That it was slowly venturing into weird territory, despite her earlier attempts at denying it. “We’re not dating.”
Beomgyu hummed, her voice still calm and quiet. “Does Yeonjun know that?”
And the question was so ridiculous that Kai could feel her face heating up. Of course she did. If Yeonjun hadn’t known, she wouldn’t behave the way she did. She wouldn’t bring girls home where Kai could hear. She wouldn’t tease her the morning after, giving her that smirk she did when she knew Kai had heard. When she knew Kai had listened. “Sorry if I was too loud last night,” she’d say. “I” never “we” as if the other girl didn’t matter at all. And Kai supposed they didn’t. To Yeonjun, they were just chess pieces. They weren’t like the other girls that she picked for herself. They were in the way of her goal, which was what? Keep everyone away from Kai for some game she refused to move forward in?
She’d steal touches but not fully commit to them. She’d press their faces together, but never turn to kiss her cheek. Her hands would wander and squeeze for just a moment, but she’d never take anything more. She’d call Kai baby, her baby. Baby baby baby. She’d give her her clothes to wear and lay out jewelry for Kai in the mornings, leave them on the bathroom sink for her to wear when she was ready. Kai was wearing one right now—a necklace with a small pendant on it with Angel Baby carved into the back. Yeonjun had bought it for her for her 20th birthday. Suddenly, it felt heavier around her neck.
Did– Did Yeonjun know that they weren’t dating?
Kai swallowed, suddenly feeling shaky. “Of course she does. She’s just– Yeonjun unnie is just intense sometimes. We’ve always been like this.”
The other girls looked at each other doubtfully, while Beomgyu seemed to come to an epiphany of her own.
Kai smiled and hoped it didn’t look too forced. “Let's just finish practice, okay? There’s a week left to get Beomgyu all caught up, and if we’re good, they’ll let us play again.”
The room nodded, and Kai tried not to think about it.
Kang Taehyun: Worst shift of my life
Kang Taehyun: Free meee ㅠㅠ This guy poured his coffee on the floor on purpose
Kang Taehyun: I can’t wait to see you again Kai
Kang Taehyun: Send a pic of your face? It might heal me before swim practice
When practice was over, and Kai was trying her best to answer all of Taehyun’s texts, Beomgyu made her way over to her. She looked as though she had her tail tucked between her legs, her eyes cast down as though she were guilty.
“Hey, Kai.”
“Hey, what’s up?” She couldn’t help but worry.
“I’m really glad to be helping you guys out, but I don’t want things to be awkward between us, okay?”
Kai shook her head. “No! It’s totally fine! Why would it be?”
Beomgyu fixed her hair over her ears, tugging at the strands to ensure they lay flat. “Come on. I know you were there. When Yeonjun brought me over? She said– Ah, she said it was fine, but I just feel weird about it now. I didn’t know you guys were… I didn’t know. I’m not trying to get caught up in anything, okay?”
Kai couldn’t look at her. She wondered why this was the second time she’d heard something like that. As if she and Yeonjun were a web of chaos, something to avoid getting mixed up in. As if she and Yeonjun were too complicated to understand. “It’s fine. Seriously. Yeonjun and I aren’t– We’re friends, okay? It shouldn’t matter who she sleeps with. It was a while ago, anyway.”
“But it does, doesn’t it?”
“What?”
“It matters who she’s sleeping with, doesn’t it?” The flush from Beomgyu’s hidden ears traveled to her cheeks. Still, she smiled, and somehow it was a comfort. “You’re really obvious, Kai. And you and I both know what Yeonjun is doing.”
“I don’t–”
Beomgyu shifted on her feet. “Look, I don’t really like to tell people about this sort of thing. I’m not trying to embarrass anyone, but the whole time she kept talking about how you were right in the other room. And, I mean, I don’t kink shame, but it felt like more than that. Like she only cared so much because it was you.”
Kai couldn’t breathe. Had she been obvious? Did everyone but her know that she and Yeonjun were… different? “What?” She felt like a broken record, unable to form any other thought, her tongue tying in knots.
Beomgyu was starting to look frustrated. “I just thought you should know. Maybe it gave you more insight, I don’t know. But from what I've seen and heard, she’s really crazy about you, Kai. I just wanted to apologize because I didn’t know what it was until now.”
What exactly was it? Kai left practice that day thinking about more things than she should’ve.
There was a difference between being physically attracted to someone and wanting to date them. Kai had spent many waking hours back in high school trying to decipher this, mulling it over in her head over and over, when the other girls would ask who she was crushing on. She’d looked at people, sure. She’d looked at a lot of people, girls that sat in front of her in class, couples in the hallway, guys that showed off a little bit more in gym class when she turned to look at them. Kai’s heart had a habit of swooping around anyone, and her fingers would ache to know what their skin felt like underneath them.
You could say that she fell for everyone, anyone, but the truth was that Kai found that she simply wanted to touch people more often than she wanted to date them.
Dating itself wasn’t uncharted territory for her. She’d had a boyfriend, then a girlfriend, when she realized that boyfriends weren’t her thing. She played the role well enough. Gave her kisses when she asked for them and smiled in thanks when she got gifts for Valentine’s Day. She’d even stressed herself out trying to figure out if she should be the one to give back for White Day. But that was all juvenile. It didn’t last beyond your usual high school relationship. She’d been on one over dates, texted back and forth with many girls before it fizzled into nothing. She wasn’t completely out of her depth when it came to the idea of dating. Not how she was when it came to sex.
Though it had been an overwhelming desire, nothing but a fantasy until it presented itself to her as an opportunity one night at a house party, Kai had never gone that far.
Now that she had, that she’d experienced both, she found that it was no easier to differentiate the two sorts of attractions.
Yeonjun was beautiful. Hauntingly so, all siren-like eyes and sharp cheekbones. Full lips and soft curves. Kai often found herself staring at her through the mirror as they got ready in the mornings, wondering how someone could look as flawless as she did. She’d thought of her, of her hands, knew what they felt like, and could probably identify them with her eyes closed, but the idea of dating Yeonjun had never occurred to her.
It was easy to imagine Yeonjun above her. Simpler to take a quick glance at her chest or admire the way her clothes hugged her body. It was all base desire. Nothing real enough to warrant panic in her mind. Yeonjun was beautiful, she was touchy, and Kai was weak. She’d look. She’d fantasize.
It was a completely different thing to imagine dating her. To wonder what it was like. To imagine that they’d been doing so for a long time now. Despite this, she was doing it now, as they walked the produce stalls as Yeonjun happily sifted through the vegetables to pick out the best ones. Her hair was pulled away from her face in a ponytail, red like fire, and she was in one of Kai’s hoodies.
She wondered if Yeonjun thought about it too. Wondered if the intensifying possessive streak and obsession were fueled by the desire to label their relationship as something else. Or maybe Yeonjun had just wanted to fuck her and get it overwith. To be the first to do so, to take something from her that nobody else could.
Except Taehyun. She’d gotten there first.
Beomgyu had planted a seed with her words. Since then, she couldn’t help but read into everything Yeonjun did. Every touch, every smile, every glance. Eye contact felt more meaningful, and jokes felt more like invitations—efforts to make her fall for her. Really fall. Because Kai knew very well that if Yeonjun wanted her, she wanted to love her just as well. She’d always held onto her too tightly, reached out for her hands when she walked too far ahead. Whatever they could have would not be like anything she had with anyone else.
Kai was special. She knew she was. Yeonjun had spent every waking moment of their friendship together just proving that to her. All of her previous frustration towards her disappeared the longer she thought about this, and transformed into something more melancholic. Something raw and real and heavy in her chest.
Kai sort of reveled in it. Every time Yeonjun reached her arms out to hold her, Kai would let something warm and knowing creep up on her. Her sudden awareness—more definite than her assumptions before—made it better. It felt good to know she was wanted. That she made Yeonjun shake with something akin to frustration when she didn’t show any signs of picking up her hints.
Yeonjun was chasing her now, or maybe she had been the whole time, and Kai couldn’t help but get some sort of sick satisfaction knowing that she had her attention and could do whatever she wanted with it. It was unlike her. Something she might not have let drag on so long if it wasn’t for the years of wanting to be seen that fueled her. This admiration. This mix of jealousy and love.
Yeonjun was holding a produce bag that was stuffed generously, chatting with the vendor as if she already knew her. Kai watched her in her element. Talking to people. Making conversation of nothing and carrying it for miles. Her purse hung off her shoulder, one of the straps slipping off every time she laughed and crinkled her eyes. She managed to get a recipe from that woman. Another vendor gave her free oranges, urging her to try them right there as they were at their freshest. It seemed that everyone fell in love with Yeonjun wherever she went, and Kai watched this as she trailed behind her, holding some of her grocery bags and catching the light reflecting off of her hair.
It would be easy to love Yeonjun past the capacity of her heart, more than she did now, if she looked at her this way. It would be easy to fall in love with the way her tongue pressed up against the back side of her teeth when she got excited, the way her eyes widened and her eyebrows shot up when she heard something that touched her heart. To love the humble way she giggled when she got compliments, the way she appreciated every one of them as if it were the last she’d ever get. There was something about Yeonjun, and Kai had always known this, that made it easy to admire her. It also made it easy to be heartbroken about it.
If Kai was so special to her, she couldn’t understand why Yeonjun wouldn’t do something about it. Why didn’t she blur more lines or tell her what she wanted from her? Tell her why she did the things she did. She took the longer routes, she played games, and kissed the idea of Kai off the collar of someone else's neck when she didn’t have to. Yeonjun could breach the wall she’d built around Kai; she could make this into something meaningful. But she didn’t. It was as if she refused to.
The two of them would later go home, Yeonjun with a giddy pep in her step, Kai with a calm, observant gaze, and Yeonjun would sing to herself as she cooked them both dinner. The orange lights of their kitchen would cast shadows across her face, she’d wipe her hands on the old kitchen rag Kai had used to clean up her messes in the past, and she’d hum in satisfaction as she tasted the food through the entire process. Kai would watch her, not offer to help because she knew Yeonjun valued the feeling of taking care of things for her, and then she would eat the food Yeonjun cooked for her, and she would think:
It’s that simple. Why couldn’t she do it?
✦✦✦
You: hey. you still wanna watch my band play?
Kang Taehyun: Of course ! I’ll be there just text me the details
You: okay cool ^^
Kang Taehyun: So I take it Beomgyu worked out for you guys?
You: yup !! she’s actually really awesome. i was shocked because i assumed she’d be a bit rusty since swimming might take up most of her time
Kang Taehyun: We practice a lot but we have more time during our off seasons than you might think. I usually pick up boxing during that time
Kang Taehyun: [IMG.001]
Kang Taehyun: That’s how my arms stay in shape
“Hey. Don’t forget about me.” Soobin looked at her with a blank face, save for her lips twitching in an attempt to keep it neutral for dramatic effect.
(She did this often, pretending that she wasn’t endlessly amused with Kai’s antics and the inner workings of her life. She’d sit down in their study room with a book in hand for show, and casually prod Kai for questions about what she’d heard from Yeonjun. Because Yeonjun knew everyone, and everyone knew Yeonjun, so Kai got second-hand seats for the drama around campus. Of course, as a result, Soobin would hear about it too.
“What did Yeonjun tell you about that whole thing with Wooyoung and San. The… you know…”
“You’re such a gossip! She didn’t tell me anything.”
“You liar! I’m just curious. God forbid a girl has a thirst for knowledge.”)
They were in Kai’s room, and they were supposed to be playing a 1v1, but Kai had jumped up to grab her phone to text Taehyun before she forgot. Soobin, of course, with her laptop burning patterns into her lap, wasn’t very happy about this.
Kai rubbed at the bridge of her nose, sighing as she could already tell what was coming. She put her phone down. “Just say it.”
“Why are you still texting Taehyun if you’re in love with Choi Yeonjun?”
Despite herself, Kai jumped to hush Soobin, looking around her bedroom as if Yeonjun would materialize out of thin air and hear them. She wasn’t even home. She’d left in a rush, almost late to her dance practice because she insisted upon explaining why ‘Ralph Breaks the Internet’ was just as good as the first movie, and Kai should give it another shot. “That’s not what I said! How did you know I was texting Taehyun?”
Soobin made a face. “You get this weird horny look in your eye. Like you might try to climb through the screen to jump at her.”
“I don’t!”
“And you literally told me about Yeonjun. You told me, verbatim, Unnie, this is really bad. I think I love her .” Soobin pitched her voice up high, a horrible impression of Kai’s confession from the day before.
“No! I said I think I could love her. Like… ah, Jeez, if I don’t stop thinking this way, I might fall in love with her for real.”
It was an odd sort of feeling. Something akin to floating off too far away from shore. Her feet couldn’t reach the floor, and she felt almost helpless in an ocean of calm water. She could either swim back or let herself drown. The issue mainly lay in the fact that Kai had been dry drowning for quite some time. She’d even let Yeonjun hold her head under water for good measure.
It was a root in her chest. A flower blooming and wrapping its complex fingers around her. Kai could take it out carefully, pot it nicely, and sit it on a windowsill. She’d nurture the thing and tell it all the things she liked about Yeonjun. Maybe she could get Yeonjun to water the pretty thing for her while she was away. She could ask her nicely and frame it as a favor so she wouldn’t scare her off.
It was only the other day when Yeonjun came up behind her after a shower, took the brush from her hand, and started detangling her hair for her. Her hands were tender, careful not to snag her hair or pull too roughly. Kai watched her face in the mirror, calm and serene, with her hands in her hair. The action made Kai want to wail, but it was her softness that soothed something else in her enough to hold it back. To tremble as Yeonjun caressed the side of her face and tucked the strands back behind her ears when she was done.
Soobin shook her head, her lips pouting in confusion. “I don’t get it. You either love her or you don’t. There’s no such thing as almost loving someone, or whatever you’re talking about.”
“It’s fine if you don’t get it, but don’t say there’s no such thing! How do you think people fall in love, anyway? They get there somehow. And what do you even know about this stuff?”
Soobin hissed. “Defensive.”
Kai sat back, having worked herself up into a tizzy. “Sorry. It’s just… I’m actually kind of upset about it right now.”
Soobin hummed.
“I don’t– She just–” Kai took a deep breath. “It’s her. She’s the one who started this weird thing, she’s the one who started acting all possessive. And you’d think that would mean something. That she did all of it for a reason, but the other day she just–” Kai gestured vaguely. “She won’t do anything about it. Whatever this is, because I know it’s something. She won’t do anything about it, and it can’t be me who does something. It has to be her.”
Sttobin stared at her. Kai stared back. She took a deep breath.
“Sorry,” Kai said. “That makes no sense. I guess I just… want her to chase me or something.”
Soobin shrugged, closing her laptop, having given up on the prospect of playing the game any time soon. “I’m pretty sure that’s what she’s been doing this whole time.”
Kai knew she was right, in some form. Yeonjun had done all of this for her attention, and Kai had figured that much. But Yeonjun had her attention the whole time, whether Kai was aware of it or not. It was clear to them both that night, when Yeonjun held her close and pressed her leg between her thighs. She just couldn’t understand why it was that moment she decided to run from it.
“I know,” she said with a sigh. “But I’m starting to doubt why. I don’t think she feels the way I thought she did.”
They both sat in silence for a moment, and Kai picked at the skin of her cuticles until they bled. “I told myself it doesn’t really matter right now, though. I like Taehyun. I know that for sure. I want to keep talking to her and–”
“Hooking up with her?”
Kai stuttered. “I mean– well, I guess. Yes. Yeah, I want that. Yeah, but I feel guilty talking to her. Not just because she’s Yeonjun unnie’s ex, but… Yeonjun unnie and I have always been different, you know? I can’t stay mad at her.”
Soobin had the gall to laugh . An exasperated teasing thing. “Oh, I know. I thought you guys were dating when I first met you.”
Kai blew her hair out of her face with a tired huff. “Why do people keep telling me that?”
“Because you guys act like you are,” she said, as if it were obvious. “Yes, you too. Not just her. Before the weird sleeping with each other's ex-somethings–”
“I told you it was an accident on my part!”
“You guys still acted like this. I mean, for fucks sake, Hyuka, you looked for her aproval after everything you did. Like you wanted to impress her or something. She’s trying to get your attention right now, but your whole friendship has been the opposite way in the past.”
Kai looked away, knowing it was true. She’d tell jokes to a room and look for Yeonjun’s reactions first. She did everything asked of her just to make her smile. In her freshman year, as she helped Yeonjun dye the back of her head, she’d let Yeonjun convince her to dye blue streaks in her hair because she wanted to match. It made her heart flutter at the time, a tickle in her chest, because the idea that Yeonjun wanted to be connected to her in some way was elating. Perhaps it was the way Kai admired her. The way she looked up to her if she were some higher being, something to be praised and stared at like a star in the sky.
She’d drag Yeonjun along shopping with her to get her opinions, and if Yeonjun didn’t like something, she wouldn’t think twice about putting it back. She would find herself wondering if Yeonjun would like what she picked out when she was shopping alone. She tried new foods because Yeonjun was interested in them, and the first song she learned on her electric guitar had been one of Yeonjun’s favorites.
It wasn’t that she lived for her or her approval, but it felt good to have it. Yeonjun’s attention was something like an addiction to Kai. She found herself making sacrifices to have it, going out of her way to try things she’d never done before just to see her eyes light up.
The truth was, Yeonjun taught Kai how to be a person. She’d watch her closely and study the way she moved so she could mimic her in a clumsy display of humanity. Adoration. Fascination. When Yeonjun took a step with her left foot, Kai would be behind her, forcing her feet right into her footprints. When Yeonjun smiled with her teeth, Kai would practice the way she curled her lips to show them. She’d fold her uniform skirt until it fell above her knees because it was what Yeonjun did. She’d mold herself into a mini version of her until she grew too big to fit the mold. It was then that she decided to just watch, not imitate.
Kai folded her arms across her chest. “You’re making it sound worse than it is.”
“Yeah, sure. That’s why you let her do whatever she wants, right? Because you’re normal about her?” Soobin rolled her eyes before taking a breath. “But it’s not just that. You guys are just different, like you said. Friends don’t act the way you guys do.”
And Kai knew this. Maybe she hadn’t known it before, but she knew it now. “Yeah. Yeah, that’s why I’m kind of confused.”
“Honestly…” Soobin said seriously, and she frowned a bit as the words left her lips. Contemplative. Careful. “For a while, I thought you were pretending you didn’t notice. Every time you guys are together, her feelings are so…” she waved her hands, a confused motion as she gestured vaguely, “potent. It hangs in the air to the point that I thought it must have been impossible for you not to know.”
“I didn’t know,” was all she could say, because it was true. It wasn’t until recently that the suspicion crept up on her, a vague idea of an idea, and then a crashing realization.
“Probably because you’re the exact same as her.”
Kai sighed, almost defeated. She hadn’t expected her chest to be torn open this way. “That’s why I said it’s really bad. I just… I don’t want to stop talking to Taehyun. But it feels weird to have this,” she clutched at her chest as if she could rip her beating heart right out, and pick out all the veins that carried Yeonjun’s name through her body instead of the blood she needed. “While still talking to her. But it’s not going anywhere, it’s not going to be anything.”
“Well,” Soobin lay back against Kai’s bed, propping her feet up against the wall. Kai swatted them off. “You should pick one before someone gets hurt. It’s not right to lead Taehyun on like this if you’re thinking about Yeonjun the whole time.”
Jjuni Unnie ♡: [Video.attachment]
Jjuni Unnie ♡: I got the team to dance to one of your songs today. Choreography by yours truly hehehehe
Jjuni Unnie ♡: Maybe one day we’ll dance to one of your songs in our showcases
Jjuni Unnie ♡: If you write something good for us LOL
Kang Taehyun: Can’t wait to watch you guys play though. I listened to the files you sent me the other day
Kang Taehyun: You guys are good. I didn’t know you could sing too
Kang Taehyun: It kinda makes me miss hearing your voice in person lol you sound so pretty
Kai thought about this pensively. What she wouldn’t tell Soobin was that it was too late for that. The two of them clouded her mind like a fog, one creeping into her thoughts every time she was with the other.
✦✦✦
They had a full house.
The venue was small but packed, people standing shoulder to shoulder, and sweating on each other's clothes as the first local band went through their set. The band was loud, gritty. It made Kai’s teeth chatter in her skull. She watched them, another girl band, through a squint from the blinding stage lights.
To say she was eager would be an understatement. Her hands shook with it, flexing around the drumsticks with the urge to hit something. She beat against the wall backstage as she watched. She’d remember their name to look them up later. To maybe get in touch and ask their guitarist what wah pedal she used.
If she craned her head far enough, she could see Yeonjun standing right in the front as she always did. She was wearing a tank top cut up from a shirt that used to be Kai’s, black with a band she was sure Yeonjun had never even heard of before. Her hair was teased, hairsprayed to keep its shape, and Kai couldn’t help but smile at her effort to play the part. Whatever that part may be.
“I’m with the band,” Yeonjun had once said, bragging to a bartender when Kai approached her after the band got the chance to play a song during what the place called ‘Live Music Fridays’. She’d pitched up her voice and dragged out the syllables, the same as she’d seen groupies in terrible metal band biopics do. The band was nothing back then. They were a mess and barely had a local following, but Yeonjun had bragged to the uncaring bartender nonetheless, and it made Kai flush with the implication.
Kai could see Taehyun in the crowd, too. A bit further back from the stage, but still close. Her eyes were wide, and she bobbed her head to the girls on stage experimentally. Kai laughed. It was as if Taehyun couldn’t decide if she liked the music or not.
“Guys, we’re up soon,” Jay called, gathering the rest of the girls to grab their instruments.
In places like this, it was common for bands to share a drumset given to them by the venue. The house kits were usually in awful condition compared to what Kai was used to, but she was able to use her own bass drum pedal, and cymbals were easy to swap out quickly, so Kai didn’t have much to complain about as long as she could play.
It was performing in front of a crowd that mattered to her the most. The attention. The cheers. She couldn’t see their faces with stage lights in their eyes, but their voices would fuel her like nothing else in the world.
The first time Kai performed in front of a crowd, she had shaky hands that weren't strong enough to keep up with her enthusiasm. Her sticks slipped from her hands and clattered to the floor before she could realize what had happened. But it was her hunger that kept her going. It was Yeonjun mouthing “It’s okay, you’re okay,” in the front row that pushed her to play with her hands. By the end of her set, her kit was bloody, and her palms were stinging and raw. But the cheers. The whoops and hollers and shouts of “That was metal, Drummer!” ignited something in her she’d been trying to feed every day since then.
She felt it simmer as she walked on stage. As she adjusted her kit and squinted into the crowd to look at Yeonjun. As she squinted even harder to look at Taehyun. It was a feeling akin to the desire she had for the girls. Something untamed and starving.
They went through three songs quickly, and it was all a blur of adrenaline to Kai. Her arms ached, and sweat dripped down the slope of her nose, but she could hear Yeonjun through the voices in her ears. She could see her cheering smile and the twinkling in her eyes. The sort of glint that a tiger with bared teeth would have. Or maybe it was from the stage lights reflecting back at her. Maybe it was the spirit that possessed Kai that made her see meaning in things that weren’t there.
She could see Taehyun climb over a man in front of her to get closer to the stage. She reached her hands out, almost as if to grab her, but Kai was too far back. Out of reach.
It was this, the emotion and excitement that her music could cause, that kept her coming back. That kept her going.
“Thank you, guys! We’re TOENZE. Don’t forget it!”
Kai found her way backstage in a sweaty blur, and the burn in her muscles felt good as she leaned against the wall to cool down. She wondered if Taehyun liked it. She wondered if she still thought she had a rockstar vibe, if she lived up to the expectation.
“Guys,” Yujin shouted in a squeak, “I think that was the best I’ve ever played!”
Kai smiled at her. She was just a kid of a keyboardist. A cute thing with a twinkle in her eye every time she thought of playing in front of more than three people. “Yeah, me too.”
It was after the third and last band was preparing to go on, and Kai had finished wiping the sweat from her body, did she venture to the floor to find Yeonjun.
It was a post-show ritual, a habit really, to look for Yeonjun every time they were apart for longer than each of them was comfortable with. Kai was sure Yeonjun had some sort of inner sanctum. With her touch, her words, she would promise to Kai, who entered often, that her ailments would be cured. And they were. There was a healing property about her that Kai craved after a show that left her woozy and high like an anaesthetic. When she was apart from her for too long, everything wrong inside her came back.
She was hungry for it, the validation Yeonjun would give her after every show. She’d take Kai’s drumsticks from her hands and pocket them for herself. Her arms would squeeze around her as if she could juice out the rest of her energy and passion and drink it up like some addictive elixir that would keep her infatuated with Kai. It was the only way she could fathom the excitement and overjoyed look Yeonjun got every time Kai played.
Kai was good. She knew this very well, and if there was one thing she was confident about, it was music. But Yeonjun’s adoration for her in these moments was loud enough to make Kai’s passion look like nothing but a small flame. A flicker of a candle. Something too small to light a room.
But Yeonjun was nowhere to be seen, and neither was Taehyun. There was something in her, her intuition maybe, that panicked at this. Alarm bells rang as she looked around the open floor full of jumping, sweaty bodies. The venue had a bar, somewhere far off to the side, but that too was void of the girls. The last band was starting to play, and Kai felt like their drummer’s crashing cymbals.
They wouldn’t have left her. They wouldn’t’ve.
“You guys haven’t seen Yeonjun unnie, have you?” She asked, Jay and Taerae looking at her as if she’d told them something more ridiculous than For the first time, I don’t know where Yeonjun is.
“No, we haven’t seen her since we got off stage.”
Kai frowned, her lips pressing flat. “Okay. She’s probably around.”
And there it was again. Kai was chasing Yeonjun as she always did. Looking for her in a crowded room, reaching out, out, out. She frowned.
“Check the bathroom, maybe?”
Shockingly, there was no line for the bathroom. The heavy door, sticky with something Kai didn’t want to think about, stood quietly, and when she pushed it open, it took everything in her not to gasp out loud.
“You’re awful,” Taehyun said, her voice pulled taught as if ready to snap. It squeaked at the ends, erotically familiar to Kai. “Terrible. Fuck.”
“But she looked good up there, didn’t she?” Yeonjun said, smiling against the side of Taehyun’s face, her lips close enough to bite at her jeweled ear.
Kai could see them in one of the many mirrors positioned right in front of an open stall. Yeonjun stood behind her, her body engulfing Taehyun as if she had always been something small. She pulled their bodies flush together, Taehyun leaning against one of the stall walls to support herself as Yeonjun finger fucked her from behind. She moved her hips in tandem with her fingers, uncaring of the wet patches forming on the front of her skirt. Taehyun’s denim shorts pooled around her ankles, her back arched enough for Yeonjun to get a good angle. It was as if she were fucking her, not with her fingers, but with something else.
“Yeah,” Taehyun panted, and her eyes were screwed shut tightly . “Yeah, she did.”
“My Kai is so perfect, isn’t she? You think about her a lot these days, don’t you?”
Taehyun whimpered, her entire body starting to tremble. She nodded her head, her lips pressing tight together before suddenly breaking them apart in a loud moan.
“ Quiet. You don’t want anyone to hear you, do you?”
Kai had heard Yeonjun speak in this tone countless times. Sharp, almost mean, but somehow still sweet. But she’d never been in the room with her while she did it. She’d never heard it so clearly, so crisp. She’d never been so close, never seen her like this anywhere but her imagination. Her shameful dreams. It made her body tremble. She could feel herself start to sweat, and her skin prickled almost painfully.
Yeonjun nibbled Taehyun’s ear before licking the shell of it. She pulled one of Taehyun’s piercings between her teeth.
Taehyun moaned again before she laughed. “No, but you do, don’t you? You wish Kai were here right now, right? Such a shame she can’t “accidentally” hear you this time, huh?”
Yeonjun retaliated with a harsh thrust of her fingers.
Kai’s face flushed red so quickly that she thought she might faint. But she couldn’t move her body to leave. The door felt like a heavy presence behind her, but her feet stayed planted to the floor. She wanted to watch.
It was wrong—everything was wrong.
The scene in front of her was wrong: Yeonjun with someone else, touching her body as if it were familiar. Because it was. Yeonjun had touched Taehyun before Kai even knew her. She’d fucked Taehyun before she’d ever slipped her leg between Kai’s thighs, before she’d ever rutted against her in her sleep. Taehyun had let Yeonjun fuck her before she’d ever thought of fucking Kai. Before she spoke to her at her swim meets, practices.
Taehyun, with someone else, felt wrong too, despite Kai’s knowledge that the two of them were nothing. She’d fucked Kai once, slipped her hand into her jeans and kissed her another time. They texted each other sometimes, and she received more messages than she sent. But they were nothing .
Still, despite this displaced feeling of betrayal, this wrongness taking root in her chest, Kai couldn’t look away. She had wondered how the two of them fit together in the past, maybe in the present if Yeonjun kept up her streak of stealing pretty things from Kai’s hands. She had thought about them together, how they must have been during that period of time she missed due to her own ignorance.
She’d mostly dreamt of the three of them, blurry, fuzzy half half-developed images she didn’t dwell on for very long. This sated something in her. A curiosity. A hunger, maybe.
She watched the two of them move together like lovers, perhaps something a little less than that. Yeonjun slid her hand across Taehyun’s body, tugging and caressing as if she knew every sweet spot, and Taehyun submitted to her as if there had always been a trust between them that remained unbroken for years.
“ Kai.” Taehyun moaned her name, and for a moment, Kai jumped, thinking she’d been caught. But her eyes were still closed, and she rolled her hips back against Yeonjun’s fingers before calling her name again.
“Was she good?” Yeonjun asked. “When you touched her, did you appreciate her enough?”
Taehyun nodded her head, biting at her lip hard enough to raise a welt. “Mmhm.”
“I doubt it,” she said harshly. “You don’t even know her.”
Taehyun grinned. “Jealous?”
“Shut up–”
Taehyun’s voice pitched up, her breathing quick and harsh. “She was so good, Oppa. She’s soft everywhere. So pretty.”
To hear Oppa come from Taehyun’s lips was like being dunked in a bucket of cold water. Kai’s entire body trembled. She could collapse into the floor and shatter into a billion pieces. She hoped Yeonjun and Taehyun would pick some of her pieces up and take them home. Wear her as a necklace or put a shard of her on their nightstand to look at in the mornings when the sun rose and crystallized as it passed through her.
“You wouldn’t know,” Taehyun started cruelly. “But she has a mole right next to her pussy. When you open her legs up and lean in, you can see it. And she shakes when you kiss it. Even the softest touches make her whine.”
Yeonjun made a sound. Something low, almost pained. This seemed to fuel her, her fingers doubling her efforts until Taehyun was squealing and standing on her toes to get away from the sudden uptick in pleasure.
“If we were at my place I’d have put my cock on to fuck you like this. You always loved that, didn’t you? How about it? You want Kai to see how well you take me, Taehyunie?”
“ Fuck , fuck, fuck . Oppa . Oppa, I’m gonna cum. I’m Gonna–”
They panted together like this until Taehyun came on Yeonjun’s fingers. Kai watched the entire thing with rapt attention. Taehyun’s body leaned deeper into the wall as Yeonjun reached down to pull her shorts up for her. Kai could hear the hum of Yeonjun’s voice, see her lips move to say something, but she was out of the bathroom before she got the chance to hear her clearly.
✦✦✦
As she did with most of Yeonjun’s flaws and things that she wasn’t sure about, Kai ignored it. She spent three successful days pretending it didn’t happen, acting normal—as normal as she possibly could, even while remembering the way Yeonjun dwarfed Taehyun with her body and thrust her fingers dexterously—until it bubbled it and manifested to her in some strange dream that was the most detailed and intense she’d had to date.
Now, her dreams about Yeonjun were nothing new. She’d remember the way she moaned through the walls, and it would plague her so heavily, even in her sleep. A hand. A smile. Sharp, lidded eyes. She only ever appeared in fragments, ideas, and words. She was a fantasy in her mind, but Kai would wake up knowing it was Yeonjun in that strange, afterthought way after waking. A knowledge that came to her only after the dream was over. Only after she’d already enjoyed it.
It left her with such a vivid and clear image of what could happen that it rattled her enough to avoid Yeonjun’s eyes in the morning as if she had done something shameful.
And she had, was the thing. She’d stood there and listened and watched and peeped in on Yeonjun and Taehyun’s most intimate moment after what she assumed had been a long, long time. And before that, she had lay awake listening to Yeonjun fuck girl after girl in the next room over and made no effort to drown out the noise. She wouldn’t even pretend that she wasn’t listening, in the privacy of her bedroom. She would sit in her bed with her back against the wall and feel the soft thuds every once in a while when Yeonjun’s headboard clattered against her side of the wall.
There was something wrong with her. Maybe there was something wrong with all three of them, but Kai wasn’t sure how to address it. She wasn’t sure if she should be the one to address it in the first place.
Kai decided that she could not simply let it go. Let her—Yeonjun, Taehyun. Her. They became one when she addressed her desire—go. She found that she could not will herself to. Under any other circumstance, Kai might’ve taken a step back and let the two have each other. She would’ve dropped everything and bottled it up tight enough to forget about. She would have let Yeonjun and Taehyun have each other once again.
But Yeonjun and Taehyun’s desires didn’t stop at each other. It extended out to Kai, too, and seemed to be the thing that brought the two of them together again.
And selfishly, Kai knew that what she would do and what she could do were vastly different. Outside of Yeonjun, she had no interest in anything else at all. Now, in this sudden awareness, she couldn’t possibly let her feelings go. They ran so deep and had been festering for so long, long like an illness that snuck under the radar, that it would be impossible to rid herself of them, even if it was for her own preservation.
And Taehyun was a curiosity she’d be willing to prick her fingers on, to bleed for, to die for. There was something in her that drew Kai in, that made it impossible to let her go, not to keep feeding the curious monster dwelling underneath her skin. It peeked its eyes out to peep at Taehyun when she opened her mouth, when she moaned loud enough for her teeth to part and make way for the terrible thing to see her. It was hungry. Always.
You: hypothetically what would you do if you walked in on your best friend and your situationship ? who is your best friend’s ex fucking in a bathroom after your band gig and they were also talking about you the entire time and you also thought it was kinda super duper hot
You: and also you’re kinda convinced they hate each other but they’re fucking for some reason ????
Soobie unnie ♡🐰: Dude.
Soobie unnie ♡🐰: What the fuck?
You: PLEASE HELP ME (╥﹏╥)
Soobie unnie ♡🐰: No but Yeonjun has some serious issues
Soobie unnie ♡🐰: Are you sure you want her? Like. This whole thing was already weird but when you lay it all out like that… We really should’ve expected her to fuck Taehyun again
You: it was so hot i watched the whole thing
Soobie unnie ♡🐰: You’re all freaks.
Soobie unnie ♡🐰: All three of you. You deserve each other
You: but what am i supposed to do about that :<
You: they both want me. and i think i want them both too
You: but it’s kinda weird… idk what to do
Soobie unnie ♡🐰: Start plotting
You: ???
Soobie unnie ♡🐰: You’ll figure it out
You: help me ???
Soobie unnie ♡🐰: You got this girl 👍