Saving Private Kuzco

by vitaminanime

Summary:

When Yzma finds an edict saying Kuzco must serve in the military in order to become emperor, she immediately has Kuzco and all the students at Kuzco Academy who don't have flat feet shipped off to boot camp. The yelling drill sergeants, strict regimines, and bland food are all quite a far cry from Kuzco's usual groove, but when faced with the threat of a real invasion, Kuzco must channel his ancestors' warrior spirit, or stay not-an-emperor forever.

Notes:

Although the fact that the writers of The Emperor's New School have a complete disregard for reality, which in theory gives me cart blanche to use as much artistic license as I would like, I still did a lot if research. Even so, I have never served in the military, and there is still a lot of artistic license. That being said, although I have never served in the military, I only have respect for those who have.

Chapter 1

Kuzco trudged up the steep mountainside trail, rivulets of sweat trickling down his forehead and down the back of his olive drab fatigues. He hoisted up the sandbag he was carrying as it threatened to slip.

"LADIES! PICK UP YOUR FEET! MY GRANDMA CAN RUN FASTER THAN YOU AND SHE'S BEEN DEAD FOR TWENTY-FIVE YEARS!"

Kuzco froze the frame.

"You're probably wondering why we, and when I say we, I mean me, are wearing camoflage, carrying a sandbag up a mountain, and an angry drill sergeant is yelling at me? But first-theme music!"

Principal Amzy sat at her desk, reading a scroll, when Kronk entered.

"What's that you're reading?" asked Kronk.

"An edict that says that in order to become emperor, Kuzco must serve in the military." said Yzma.

"We have a military?" asked Kronk.

"We do, but the days of great warrior emperors like Ihavakuti the First and Tupac the Eighth are long gone. Even if his ancestors were warriors, Kuzco could never be a soldier. Boot camp is full of backbreaking physical and mental labor and getting yelled at by angry drill sergeants. He won't last five minutes!" cackled Yzma.

"Am I going to boot camp too?" said Kronk.

"I've got you signed up for an officer candidate school. You could get through boot camp without breaking a sweat. You will still get to drop in on Kuzco periodically to see if the drill sergeants have made him cry or how he's been on kitchen patrol every day each week." cackled Yzma.

"Kuzco really isn't cut out to be a soldier, though I know how badly he wants to be emperor. This will be interesting." said Kronk.

---

"Boys and girls, I have an important message for all of you. You must serve the empire and serve mankind, and serve me by giving me the retired experience." Mr. Moleguaco began passing out scrolls to the students. "Those of you who have flat feet will be given a packet of homework, and while the rest of you are at basic training, I'm going on a cruise to Florida."

"I've served the empire as emperor. I must be exempt from whatever this scroll is asking, and this must be a letter saying so." Kuzco opened up the scroll. His jaw dropped when he saw the heading.

ORDER OF INDUCTION INTO MILITARY SERVICE.

"Drafted? I'm doomy-doom-doomed!" Kuzco pulled at his hair in anguish.

"I can't believe it! I tried to flatten my feet and pretended to not pass the vision and hearing tests, and said I don't believe in going to war, but I still qualify to join the army!" moaned Kuzco after school as they left the recruiting sergeants' assessment tents.

"Just because they're making us join the military doesn't mean we'll see combat." said Malina.

"Even if we never see combat, we will see endless hours of exercising and chores and nasty drill sergeants yelling at us!" Kuzco complained.

"I have flat feet, but I would have loved to have come with you to boot camp." said Guaca.

"I'm sure you would have." said Kuzco.

"Maybe we could've shared a bunk." said Guaca.

"Maybe the drill sergeant would've had a field day calling you a fat plop of blob." said Kuzco.

"I heard that fresh water is limited at boot camp so we'd have to combine our showers." said Guaca.

"No. Just no-no-no." said Kuzco.

"That's the navy you're thinking of." said Malina.

---

"Why the long face?" asked Pacha that night at dinner.

"I've been drafted!" whined Kuzco.

"What's drafted?" asked Chaka.

"It's when they make you join the military even if you really, really don't want to." said Kuzco.

"Maybe you could pay me to go for you." suggested Tipo.

"You're a bit too young for that." said Chicha.

Yupi squealed and threw a spoon at a wall.

"I'm afraid you're a bit too young, too." said Chicha.

"I can't believe it! I don't do soldier-y things. There's nothing the soldier about me! I'm born to host dances and dinner parties and get carried around in a litter, not march and train with weapons and get yelled at by drill sergeants!" Kuzco complained.

"It won't be forever." said Pacha.

"I'm an emperor, not a soldier. Emperors≠soldiers." said Kuzco.

"I think your ancestors would beg to differ." said Chicha.

"I had ancestors who were soldiers?" asked Kuzco.

"You had some ancestors who were great warriors. Boot camp isn't exactly a ride in a litter, but you've got warrior spirit in your blood." said Chicha.

"I thought I had red in my blood." said Kuzco.

"Boot camp isn't supposed to be fun, but if your ancestors could do it, you can too." said Chicha.

---

"I know you don't want to go to boot camp, but I'm sure you've got it in you." said Pacha as he helped Kuzco pack the night before he was going to be sent off to boot camp.

"I just know the drill sergeant is going to hate me! He's going to yell at me and call me names and I can't even have him fed to pumas for it!" complained Kuzco.

"I'm not a military man, but I do know that the whole nasty drill sergeant routine is just an act. I'll bet he's a big silly softy around his kids if he has any." said Pacha.

"Why can't he be a big silly softy around me?" asked Kuzco.

"The point of a drill sergeant is to break you down and then build you up stronger. It will make you a better emperor, especially where the safety of the empire is concerned." said Pacha.

"Can I be a better emperor without a nasty drill sergeant screaming at me?" asked Kuzco.

"If serving in the military wasn't beneficial to an emperor, he wouldn't be required to." said Pacha. "I've got something you." he took out a small, lumpy rectangular bundle wrapped in llama print paper and handed it to Kuzco.

"For me?" Kuzco shook it to see if he could hear what it was.

"Don't open it until you get to boot camp." said Pacha.

Chapter 2

"It's really happening." Kuzco said to Malina, panicking, as the walked through the huge, imposing doors of the training camp.

"It's going to be a tough eight to twelve weeks, but we can do it." said Malina.

"But I was never meant to be a soldier!" whined Kuzco as they dropped their draft letters off to a non-commissioned officer who was collecting them. They headed into another hall where other officers were collecting non-essential items like keys, jewelery, and makeup.

"Please tell me this is just a dream I'm going to wake up from!" said Kuzco.

"Kuzco, don't be such a baby. You'll get through it if you work hard enough." said Malina.

"But I'm allergic to work!" argued Kuzco as they made their way into another hall.

"Not for long." said Malina as they entered another room. All the students were chattering amongst themselves anxiously, when from the two doors at the opposite ends of the room, entered two sergeants, one a woman with hair in a braided bun, and wearing olive drab fatigues with the sleeves rolled up to reveal buff, tattooed arms, the other a man, also in olive drab fatigues, with a wide diagonal scar across his face entered.

"GIRLS! MAY I HAVE YOUR ATTENTION PLEASE!" yelled the female drill sergrant.

All the girls halted.

"I AM SERGEANT CAO, AND YOU WILL COME WITH ME AT ONCE!" she yelled.

All the girls immediately followed her out of the room.

"LADIES! MAY I HAVE YOUR ATTENTION PLEASE!" the scar-faced drill sergeant yelled.

The boys shrank back, confused.

"WHEN I SAY 'LADIES,' I MEAN YOU! NOW COME THROUGH THIS DOOR AND RECEIVE YOUR UNIFORMS!"

The boys immediately entered a room with a long table, with boxes and crates behind them, where some corporals were issuing fatigues, boots, and other necessities.

"Got any other colors?" asked Kuzco.

"I'm afraid this is all we've got." said the corporal.

"Ladies! Move it! You're holding up the line!" yelled their drill sergeant.

Kuzco finished putting on his fatigues. They were olive drab with a subtle camoflage pattern, and on the left shoulder there was a patch with a black condor with its wings displayed before an orange sun in its splendor on a black field. The material was thick and heavy, and the sleeves were a bit too long. It was a far cry from the red and gold of his imperial regalia.

As they made their way to their barracks, Kuzco caught a glimpse of himself in a mirror. He couldn't stop to admire his reflection, but it was like seeing a stranger looking back.

They were ushered into a long room lined with bunk beds. Kuzco set his pack on his assigned bed. The mattress was a thin pad of foam and so was the pillow. And he'd have to make it? He never made his bed at Pacha and Chicha's hut, and in his palace, he had servants to do the tedious chore.

"MAY I HAVE YOUR ATTENTION PLEASE!" yelled the drill sergeant.

All the boys snapped to attention.

The drill sergeant made his way down the center of the barracks.

"Ladies, I am Sergeant Pachakuti, but you will address me as 'sir.' Is this unclear to you?"

"Sir, yes sir!" the other boys responded.

Sergeant Pachakuti looked around accusingly when he heard a "sir yes sir" that was off.

"Who said that?" demanded Sergeant Pachakuti.

Nobody answered.

"All right, who said that, the fairy-freaking-godmother?" demanded Sergeant Pachakuti.

"It was me." said Kuzco.

Sergeant Pachakuti approched Kuzco. "What did you say, maggot?"

"Me, yes me, sir." said Kuzco.

Sergeant Pachakuti picked Kuzco up by the collar of his fatigues.

"There is no 'me' in 'army.' An 'it's all about me' attitude could get you killed in combat, and you will answer "sir, yes sir." Sergeant Pachakuti.

"You can put me down now, sir." said Kuzco.

"You must weigh ninety pounds sopping wet." Sergeant Pachakuti set Kuzco down. "Now hit the floor and give me twenty push-ups!"

Kuzco lay prone and pushed at the ground. "There's a whole lot of push, but not a lot of up, sir."

"Fine. Do assisted pushups." said Sergeant Pachakuti.

"You're going to assist me?" asked Kuzco.

"You do them on your knees, maggot. One, two, three..."

Kuzco collapsed on the deck once he finished the set.

"Get up! This isn't the imperial palace!" demanded Sergeant Pachakuti.

Kuzco stood up and brushed himself off and stood at attention.

Sergeant Pachakuti wandered up and down the rows of recruits. "For the next twelve weeks, I am going to rock your world. I am going to shake you to your foundation. I am going to break you down and make you into fighting machines. I will make soldiers out of you who are willing and capable of protecting our empire whatever the cost may be. You will only be held to the highest standards, and even then, your best will still never be good enough for me! Is this unclear to anyone?" yelled Sergeant Pachakuti.

"Sir, yes sir!" The recruits echoed.

Kuzco froze the frame.

"This is when I knew for sure it would be a long ten to twelve weeks."

"Lights out in ten minutes!" yelled Sergeant Pachakuti.

Kuzco sat on his bunk and opened his pack. Nestled in with Pacha's gift was gift from Chicha, also wrapped in llama print wrapping paper. He opened it first.

It was a notepad with attached pens and envelopes. Probably her way of telling him to write letters. He put it away and then unwrapped Pacha's gift.

It was a toothbrush.

Kuzco didn't know what to make of it. He already had a toothbrush.

It was long past lights out, but Kuzco couldn't sleep.

The bed was too hard, the pillow was too flat, and the coarsely woven aplaca wool blanket was too thin. He tossed and turned and tried to sleep, but every time he was almost asleep, he woke up again. He wished for his huge, soft bed with lots of thick blankets and big, fluffy pillows that he had in the palace. He even wished for his bed in his man cave at Pacha and Chicha's hut.

Kuzco turned to address the audience, whispering so as to not wake the other recruits or incur Sergeant Pachakuti's wrath.

"I haven't even been here one day, and I can already tell you this: 'yo ho, yo ho, a soldier's life is NOT the life for me."

Notes:

Pachakuti was the name of a real Sapa Inca, and means "earth-shaker" or "cateclysm" in Quechua.

The Lady of Cao was the only known female Moche (a pre-Inca Peruvian society) rulers. Her mummy was found in 2006, and she had long braids and her arms were covered in tattoos. The presence of spears in her tomb indicates she might have been a warrior.

Chapter 3

Kuzco barely got any sleep that night.

He could hear the other recruits snoring, hear creatures of the night outside, and from behind his closed eyelids, he could see moonlight coming in from the window. He tossed and turned and tossed and turned some more. Then he heard a revelie played on panpipes.

"Rise and shine! Move it! Move it!" yelled Sergeant Pachakuti. Kuzco was wide awake for a second, and then drifted back to sleep.

"Wake up, sleeping beauty!" Sergeant Pachakuti yelled at Kuzco.

"But I need my beauty sleep." murmered Kuzco as he pulled the blanket over his head.

"There is no beauty sleep in the military! Up and at 'em!" Sergeant Pachakuti yanked the blanket off of Kuzco's bunk.

"Now make your bed at once!" demanded Sergeant Pachakuti.

Kuzco got out of bed, half asleep, took the blanket from Sergeant Pachakuti, and unfurled it over the bed.

"That's the most half-hearted bed-making I have ever seen! Do it again!" yelled Sergeant Pachakuti.

Kuzco struggled to keep up with Sergeant Pachakuti's commands.

"Open the sheet! Fold and tuck the sheets under! Wrong! Do it again!"

Finally, Kuzco finished, and Sergeant Pachakuti brought out a Kuzcoin and dropped it in the bed.

"If you can't bounce a Kuzcoin off the bed, it isn't made! Do it again and get it right! I'll be back, This is four minutes I'm not getting back!" Sergeant Pachakuti went over to the next bunk. "You can do better, Tweedle Dumb and Tweedle Dumber!" he yelled at Yu and Tu.

"Why do we have to go to train now? It's the middle of the night, sir." whined Kuzco to another recruit as Sergeant Pachakuti ordered all the recruits outside.

"You will need to be up at this hour because threats, foreign and domestic, don't run on a fixed schedule! Now start running like an assassin is after you!" yelled Sergeant Pachakuti.

The recruits took off running down the track that ran the perimeter of the parade field.

Kuzco ran along with the recruits until he started lagging behind.

"Run like an assassin who doesn't live by a creed to never kill indiscriminately is after you!" Sergeant Pachakuti yelled.

Kuzco struggled to keep up with the others, and others started lagging behind as well.

"Ladies! Pick up your feet!" yelled Sergeant Pachakuti.

Kuzco then noticed Malina and the other girls out on their run.

"You run slower than cold molasses uphill in August!" yelled Sergeant Cao.

Kuzco waved to Malina.

"Ladies! Ignore the girls!" yelled Sergeant Pachakuti.

Kuzco kept on running but stopped when he felt a sharp side stitch.

"DON'T YOU SEE THE SIGN THAT SAYS NO WALKING ALLOWED?" yelled Sergeant Pachakuti.

"No, sir!" Kuzco yelled back. "I have a side stitch...sir!"

"WHEN YUHAVAKUTI I GOT STABBED IN THE SKULL, HE KEPT FIGHTING! MAKE A MOVE OF IT!" yelled Sergeant Pachakuti.

Kuzco finished last of all the recruits, panting, dripping in sweat, and the side stitch showed no sign of going away.

"Can we go back to sleep now, sir?" asked Kuzco.

"DID YUHAVAKUTI I DIE WHEN HE GOT STABBED IN THE SKULL? NO SIR-EE HE DIDN'T! HE KEPT ON FIGHTING UNTIL HIS TROOPS CARRIED HIM OFF THE BATTLEFIELD ON SEVERED LIMBS!" yelled Sergeant Pachakuti as he lead the recruits onto the parade field.

"We're going to be starting with some pushups. Hit the deck now!"

Kuzco tried to pay attention as Sergeant Pachakuti counted out repetitions. His arms were already sore from the day before.

"That you need to do assisted pushups is bad enough but I've never seen such poor form before in my life!" Sergeant Pachakuti knelt down and squeezed Kuzco's upper arm. "You're skinny as a noodle!"

"No touchy...sir." said Kuzco.

"Keep your tailbone tight, princess!" yelled Sergeant Pachakuti. "And use proper grammar!" He got up to yell at the next recruit.

Kuzco didn't see the point of mountain climbers. He and the other recruits were doing dozens of them, but it seemed pointless. He paused the frame.

"Mountain climbers? Me no likey. You're not climbing an actual mountain, you're not getting anywhere, and if an enemy attacks you, what are you going to do? Moutain climber them until they surrender? Me no understandy.

"Also, please don't tell Sergeant Pachakuti I said 'me no likey' and 'me no understandy."

Day was finally breaking when the recruits were lead to the chow hall. It was a long, stark hall laid out with benches and tables, and suspended from the ceiling on the far wall were banners depicting the condor before the sun in its splendor, a gold llama on a red field, and a caiman that had been cut into pieces on a gray field with the caption "ASSEMBLE, OR PERISH."

"I'm so hungry I could eat a supersized Mudka's meat mug single-handedly!" said Kuzco. The other recruits glared at him.

Kuzco stared down at his tray. There was creamed chipped alpaca, sliced boiled potatoes, canned corn kernels, and a scoop of canned passion fruit pulp.

"How does anybody eat this stuff?" asked Kuzco.

"With a spoon." said the recruit in front of him.

Kuzco reluctantly bit into the creamed chipped alpaca. It was rubbery and salty and pasty. The only reason he even tried to finish it, and the corn, potatoes, and passionfruit was because he was hungry. Kuzco paused the frame, and circled the creamed chipped alpaca.

"When I'm emperor, creamed chipped alpaca is OFF the menu."

Kuzco got up to return his tray, when Sergeant Pachakuti loomed over him.

"Look at your tray." ordered Sergeant Pachakuti. "What do you see?"

Kuzco looked down. "An empty tray, sir."

"I see two uneaten corn kernels! If everyone in this chow hall left behind two corn kernels, there would be enough to fill a can!" yelled Sergeant Pachakuti.

"Cans come on different sizes, sir." said Kuzco disarmingly.

"Don't argue with me, princess. Consider this a warning. The punishment for waste is kitchen patrol! You know what kitchen patrol means? You'll need to be up at 04:00 hours, peeling potatoes!" yelled Sergeant Pachakuti.

"The recruits filtered out of the chow hall. 'It isn't even 9 AM and I already need a nap." said Kuzco.

"You do realize you can get coca rations!" yelled a corporal he'd recognized from the day before.

Kuzco paused the frame. "Coca rations or no, my first day at boot camp was exhausting! I'll spare you the rest of my first day, lest you start to think I was in a more serious military movie, but I think you need to see this part. It adds pathos."

It was after lights out. After a day of getting yelled at by Sergeant Pachakuti, intense physical labor, and group punishments, Kuzco was exhausted and muscles he didn't know he had were sore, yet he still couldn't sleep. He got under the covers and pulled Wompy out from under his pillow.

"How are we going to do this?" he asked Wompy. "How are we ever going to make it through this awfully-awful place? I don't want to finish boot camp, but I do want to be emperor, even though the military is no place for an emperor! How am I ever going to finish boot camp?"

Wompy stared back at him.

"Let's go sleepytime before Sergeant Pachakuti finds me and puts me in a loony bin. That would be worsey-worse-worse." Kuzco fell asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.

Notes:

A caiman is a type of crocodillian native to South America, and the caiman cut into pieces with the caption "assemble, or perish" is based off the political cartoon attributed to Benjamin Franklin of a snake cut into pieces with the caption "join, or die." (Those of you who've read my Star Wars fanfics will know this is not the first time I've adapted it to fit a setting.)

Chapter 4

Kuzco stood in front of the frame.

"Hi, welcome back! Each day at boot camp has been like the one before. Lots of runny-run-runny-ing, lots of pushy-push-uppies, and lots of whole-lotta-pull-not-a-lot-of-up ups, and lots of Sergeant Pachakuti yelling at us. Anyway...

"Forty-five, forty-five and a quarter, forty-five and a half..." Sergeant Pachakuti counted down as the recruits did burpees.

Kuzco collapsed on the deck, panting and sweating. "If I do one more burpee, bring my body on my shield."

"Do you know the origin of that saying, princess?' demanded Sergeant Pachakuti.

"No, sir." answered Kuzco.

"It comes from Sparta! Do you know where Sparta is?" demanded Sergeant Pachakuti.

"No, sir." answered Kuzco.

"Sparta was a Greek city state way on the other side of the world! Maybe if you'd paid attention in geography class, you'd remember! The Spartans would make us look like a bunch of pussywillows! They went into combat wearing nothing but helmets, capes, and leather underpants!" yelled Sergeant Pachakuti.

"Didn't they get cold, sir?" asked Kuzco.

"The Spartans believed in fighting till victory or death. That's what 'come back with your shield or on it.' means. You're either victorious or die trying! You're not going to die from a few burpees! And for that, everybody give me thirty more burpees! Thirty, twenty-nine, twenty-eight..."

Kuzco froze the frame.

"This is when I was certain they were going to wake me up in the middle of the night by pounding me with bars of soap that had been shoved inside socks."

---

"Fall in!" commanded Sergeant Pachakuti.

The recruits fell in formation, but Kuzco got a bit lost at first.

"Attention!"

All the recruits snapped to attention, and Kuzco followed.

"Present spear!"

Kuzco raised his spear too high.

"Left shoulder!"

Kuzco shouldered the spear to his right, then quickly changed to the left.

"About face!"

Kuzco turned in the wrong direction.

"Port spear!"

Kuzco's spear almost slipped from his hands as he held it across his body with the blade pointing down instead of up. He spun it so it was in the right direction across his body.

"Order spear!"

Kuzco lowered the spear too soon.

"Count one!"

"Right face!"

Kuzco turned to the left, then to the right, wobbled a bit, and almost fell over.

"Halt!" Sergeant Pachakuti approached Kuzco.

"I can't believe you can lead elaborate musical numbers at your palace yet at drill practice you have all the coordination of a baby llama on ice skates for the first time!" yelled Sergeant Pachakuti.

"But Sarge, when am I going to need this when I'm emperor...sir?" asked Kuzco.

"An emperor is not an emperor unless he can lead troops into battle!" explained Sergeant Pachakuti.

"Why do I even need to learn how to fight when I can send people off to fight for me, sir?" asked Kuzco.

"If you know what it means to go to war, and understand the gravity of a war, you can better assess to go to war or not, should the need arise. You know what you're putting others through before choosing to send them off to be trained by brutes like me to fight and die for a cause they may not understand. You'll understand that wars are costly, in both gold and lives." said Sergeant Pachakuti. "Have you heard of Manco the First?"

"Yes, sir." said Kuzco.

"He's the reason you're heir to an empire and not heir to a feifdom! He united all the warring noble houses and invaded and subdued all four surrounding confederations. They don't call him Manco the Conqueror for nothing! Have you heard of Tupac the Eighth?" asked Sergeant Pachakuti.

"Name rings a bell, sir." answered Kuzco.

"Tupac the Eighth held off invaders from across the sea that had magic swords and metal tubes with explosive powders that could propell metal spheres across great distances. He fought back against them with spears and shields and slings, and had them on the run. He was also a musician and wrote a song about it called "To Uku Pacha and Back." said Sergeant Pachakuti.

"He wrote his own theme music, sir?" asked Kuzco.

"He didn't just write his own theme music, he recounted the bravery and cunning of him and his men IN VERSE. So there you go. Tupac VIII proves that liking music and being a capable warrior are not mutually exclusive!" yelled Sergeant Pachakuti.

"But could he..." Kuzco set down his spear, and started jumping up and down and tossing his head around, while singing:

"We won't drill if we don't want to
We can leave our friends behind
Because our friends don't drill
And if they drill
Then then they're no friend of mine."

Sergeant Pachakuti turned red and steam came out of his ears.

"YOU WILL NOT JUMP AROUND DOING A SILLY DANCE DURING DRILL PRACTICE WHILE SINGING A DUMB SONG ABOUT LEAVING FRIENDS BEHIND! ON A BATTLEFIELD, YOU DO NOT LEAVE FRIENDS BEHIND!" yelled Sergeant Pachakuti. "And for that, you will clean the floors of your barrack with your toothbrush!"

Kuzco stood by the door to his barracks, toothbrush in hand.

"And I'm supposed to brush my teeth with you after I'm done, Toothy?" Kuzco said to his toothbrush.

Sergeant Pachakuti came in with a bucket of soapy water and handed it to Kuzco.

"IF THIS FLOOR ISN'T CLEAN ENOUGH TO EAT OFF OF BEFORE 19:00 HOURS, YOU'RE SCRUBBING THE LATRINES WITH YOUR TOOTHBRUSH! NOW GET TO WORK!" Sergeant Pachakuti left.

Kuzco got on his hands and knees, dipped the toothbrush in the soapy water, and began to scrub. He began to whistle the tune he'd been singing and pogoing to.

"AND NO WHISTLING WHILE YOU WORK!"

Kuzco scrubbed in silence, and scrubbed and scrubbed and scrubbed until his left arm ached, then scrubbed until his right arm ached.

"This work is so not becoming of the son of Inti." groaned Kuzco as he tried scrubbing the floor in long, sweeping strokes with the toothbrush. He switched hands again, and scrubbed behind the legs of the bunks.

He made things go a little faster by wiping down wet areas with the sleeves of his fatigues. When he was emperor, he never would have made anyone scrub the floors with their toothbrush, even for invading his personal space.

"You will not be scrubbing the latrines, Toothy, I promise!" Kuzco switched arms again, scrubbing and scrubbing.

The bristles wore down.

"Toothy! Don't fail me now!" By now, he'd scrubbed abour three quarters of the way through, and the knees and forearms of his sleeves of his fatigues were wet, and the bristles of the toothbrush were black.

He finally finished scrubbing, and scrubbed behind the legs of the bunks one last time for good measure. He stood by the doorway at the end of the barracks, waiting for Sergeant Pachakuti to seal his fate.

Sergeant Pachakuti entered, examining the floors with a critical eye, and behind each bunk bed. His scowling expression betrayed no approval nor disapproval. He knelt down and ran a finger down the floor, and examined his finger for dirt.

"Acceptable." grumbled Sergeant Pachakuti. "Go to the chow hall."

"Sir, does that mean I-"

"Go to the chow hall! We're not in the habit of starving recruits around here!" snapped Sergeant Pachakuti.

That night, while brushing his teeth, Kuzco was forever greatful that although Pacha was not a military man, he knew enough about boot camp to give him a gift that Kuzco genuinely could use.

Notes:

Manko was the name of the prince in Kingdom of the Sun, the first iteration of The Emperor's New Groove, and was also the name of the first Sapa Inca.

Kuzco's silly song and dance number is a rewritten The Safety Dance by Men Without Hats, and pogoing was the jumping up and down dance that The Safety Dance was protesting being banned in nightclubs.

Uku Pacha was the Inca underworld, and To Uku Pacha and Back was inspired by To Hell and Back by Audie Murphy, the most decorated combat soldier in World War II, first a book, then a movie (where he played himself), and most recently a Sabaton song.

Chapter 5

The recruits were marching in formation, with Sergeant Pachakuti leading them.

"I don't know but I've been told." called Sergeant Pachakuti.

"I don't know but I've been told" the recruits responded.

"Your narcissism's getting old."

"Your narcissism's getting old."

"Maybe someday soon you'll see."

"Maybe someday soon you'll see."

"That it's not all about me."

"That it's not all about me."

Kuzco did a double take. Sergeant Pachakuti was scolding him! Not just scolding him, but making all the other recruits scold him as well! And making him scold himself! Kuzco almost fell out of step at the realization. He cringed, but kept on marching.

After marching practice, the recruits filed into the chow hall. Kuzco took a tray of creamed chipped aplaca, canned corn, boiled potatoes, and passionfruit pulp, and dashed to the girls' chow hall.

Kuzco entered, panting and sweating. He scanned the tables, and found Malina sitting at the end of a table next to Yatta. He went over to their table and sat across from Malina.

"Malina! You look great!" Kuzco noticed her fatigues fit her nicely and her usual red headband had been replaced with an olive drab one.

"Kuzco! What are you doing here?" hissed Malina.

Kuzco finished swallowing some creamed chipped alpaca. "Sergeant Pachakuti threatened me with kitchen patrol if he caught me leaving a kernel of corn on my tray again!"

"Darn. Sergeant Cao is very strict, but she isn't that strict." said Malina.

"I don't want to be up at 04:00 hours, peeling potatoes! The horror! The horror!" lamented Kuzco.

"Kitchen patrol ain't fun, but it ain't the end of the world, either." said Yatta.

"How'a boot camp treating you?" asked Kuzco, and then squished passionfruit pulp into his cheeks.

"It's challenging, but I'm making progress. Sergeant Cao even said I have what it takes to be an officer." said Malina.

"I don't know how you do it! I hate it here." complained Kuzco. "I'm sick of creamed chipped alpaca, canned corn, boiled potatoes, and passionfruit gunk!"

"Aren't we all." said Malina.

"And these fatigues are not cool-cool coolio. Olive drab doesn't bring out the color in my eyes and camoflage doesn't make me stand out." whined Kuzco.

"That's the whole point of camoflage! To make you blend in!" snapped Malina.

"Earlier today, when we were marching, Sergeant Pachakuti had us sing a marchy-singy-songy thing that was all about me!" complaimed Kuzco.

"I'm sure you were delighted." said Malina dryly.

"But it was a marchy-singy-songy-thing that was all about how I need to stop thinking it's all about me! Not a nice marchy-singy-songy thing." said Kuzco.

"The proper term is a marching cadence." corrected Malina.

"I really can't stand it here! I don't have it in me. The army is no place for an emperor, and I don't care what my ancestors did." Kuzco scraped creamed chipped alpaca sauce off his tray.

"Tupac VIII thought he didn't have it in him, and he held off invaders who had superior technology." she then noticed Sergeant Cao talking to someone who was standing in the doorway, facing away from them. "Kuzco, you might want to leave now. Sergeant Cao has eyes in the back of her head."

Kuzco scraped sauce off his tray. "I'm not Tupac VIII! Why does everyone demand I live up to his standards?" he complained.

"Um, because it's kind of part of your covenant to keep the people of the empire safe." explained Malina.

Sergeant Cao then towered over them.

"Who are you and what are you doing in the girls' chow hall!" she yelled.

"Private Kuzco, ma'am. I'm here because Sergeant Pachakuti threatened me with kitchen patroll if I left one more corn kernel on my tray, ma'am." explained Kuzco.

"I see you're quite capable of scraping your tray here and if you can scrape your tray here, you can do it in your own chow hall. NOW MAKE YOURSELF SCARCE BEFORE I ISSUE DISCIPLINE THAT WILL MAKE SERGEAT PACHAKUTI WISH HE WAS THIS NICE!"

Kuzco ran back to the boys' chow hall, not knowing what hit him.

---

Kronk was driving down a winding mountain road in a truck pulled by a llama, and was listening to the radio.

Come gather around me and listen while I sing
Of a war and victory I did bring
From across seas of madness from a far distant shore
Came invaders with machinery we'd never seen before

I hid my emotions, my blood did run cold
Just like my victory, my story will unfold
If there be any glory in war
Let it rest on men like me

Who went to Uku Pacha and came back

I'm a man of commitment, a man of can do, metal spheres flew past me yet I came through

The invaders did underestimate, there's no debate
I charged and attacked
I went to Uku Pacha and back

Kronk then noticed someone in a purple cloak, standing by the side of the road, with a thumb outstretched.

Kronk pulled over.

"Would you like a lift?" he called.

The figure in the purple cloak opened the door, got in, shut the door, and took off the hood. It was Yzma.

"Fancy meeting you here." said Kronk.

"Never mind me. Is that To Uku Pacha and Back? By Tupac VIII?" asked Yzma.

"It certainly is." replied Kronk. "He might've been full of himself, but I actually admire the guy. Without Tupac VIII, we'd be speaking Spanish."

"Listen to it. Dramatic, over the top. Thinks he's the greatest." Yzma sang along, "Spears in our hands whe drove out each and every man who dared to invade my sacred land. Victory songs are rising in the night telling all of my undying strength and might.' Now I know where Kuzco gets it from. It runs in the family, minus the whole holding off invaders thing."

"You never know. Kuzco might have it in him somewhere. When I drove by earlier to drop off some chipped alpaca and passionfruit pulp, I saw him out on the parade deck, marching in formation with the rest of them, even while the sergeant lead an unflattering marching cadence about him." said Kronk.

Yzma shrank back in fear, then frowned and crossed her arms. "Time for plan B."

Notes:

My World War II veteran grandpa used to love to tell the story of a sergeant who kept on threatening him with kitchen patrol for leaving two peas on his plate. He started running a mile to the nearest mess hall where nobody knew him and the sergeants weren't as strict.

The songs quoted and rewritted are To Hell and Back by Sabaton and Victory Songs by Ensiferum.

Chapter 6

"Where is that supply truck?" Sergeant Pachakuti wondered out loud. "I'm growing moss on my south side here!"

The llama-pulled truck pulled into the driveway and Kronk came out, carrying sacks of potatoes and boxes of various sizes. "I'm here with the shipment of chipped alpaca, potatoes, canned passionfruit, canned corn, and hot sauce."

"Where exactly did you go to get them? Newfoundland? Nova Scotia?" asked Sergeant Pachakuti.

"A supply line specialist is never late, nor is he early, but arrives precisely when he intends to." said Kronk.

"With all due respect, if you were one of my recruits, I would order you to drop and give me two hundred push-ups while I sat on you." said Sergeant Pachakuti with barely-contained anger.

Kronk didn't understand at first, knowing he could easily do two hundred push-ups with Sergeant Pachakuti sitting on him. Then it dawned on him. "If you're a sergeant, and I'm a cadet, that means I outrank you." said Kronk.

"Exprerience outranks everything." said Sergeant Pachakuti.

"Are you resisting the urge to say 'experience outranks everything, bub?" asked Kronk.

"With all due respect, you're smarter than you look." said Sergeant Pachakuti as they entered the mess hall.

Kronk set the box of hot sauce down on a table. "Everything else is still outside."

"All right! We get hot sauce!" said a recruit when they saw the box of hot sauce on one of the tables.

"Finally! We get something to make creamed chipped alpaca halfway edible!" Kuzco pulled one of the miniature bottles of hot sauce with red and green lables on it out of the box, pocketed it for if he ever needed a midnight snack, then took another one, opened it, and sniffed it. "This smells funny." He couldn't quite remember where he'd smelled it before, but it lacked the peppery tang of hot sauce.

"Quick! Get rid of these!" Kuzco dumped the contents of the bottle intro the garbage pail when he registered the smell of Yzma's potions. he unscrewed another bottle and emptied it.

"JUST WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?" demanded Sergeant Pachakuti when he entered the chow hall.

"These aren't hot sauce bottles, sir!" Kuzco explained as he emptied another bottle.

"DIDN'T I TELL YOU THAT YOU ONLY THROW FOOD OUT IF IT'S OLD, SMELLS REALLY BAD, OR TALKS BACK TO YOU?" demanded Sergeant Pachakuti.

"But Sergeant Pachakuti, sir, we can't eat these!" insisted Kuzco.

"If you're so worried, I'll prove that they're harmless!" Sergeant Pachakuti took a bottle, unscrewed the cap, and drank it.

"Please, sir! No!" cried Kuzco.

"See? There's nothing wrong with it! A bit mild, but did I drop dead? Didn't think so!" snapped Sergeant Pachakuti. Then he sprouted whiskers. Next, he shrunk.

"Sergeant Pachakuti, sir!" Where are you!" asked Kuzco and some other recruits.

"I'm right here." said Sergeant Pachakuti.

"I can hear you but I can't see you!" said Kuzco. He then looked down.

Sergeant Pachakuti had taken the form of a guinea pig.

"What's so funny?" he demanded.

Kuzco knelt down to be closer to eye level with Sergeant Pachakuti. In guinea pig form, he had black fur with a streak of beige, and his facial scar was still prominent.

"You're a guinea pig, sir! Kuzco reached to pick up Sergeant Pachakuti, but he fled from Kuzco's grasp. Kuzco chased him all over the chow hall, under tables, under benches, and down aisles. Kuzco almost had Sergeant Pachakuti in his grasp, when he slipped from Kuzco's hands and kept running.

"I've got you now, sir!" Kuzco cornered Sergeant Pachakuti, picked him up, and held him up.

"What kind of rear eschalon sorcery is this?" demanded Sergeant Pachakuti.

"It was Yzma, sir." answered Kuzco.

"Who the blazes is Yzma?" demanded Sergeant Pachakuti.

"She was my advisor, sir. I fired her for overstepping boundaries, then she tried to poison me but ended up turning me into a llama instead." explained Kuzco.

"And you didn't try her for treason because...?" demanded Sergeant Pachakuti.

"Becase she practically raised me, sir!" simpered Kuzco.

"And a fine job she did of it. Had it been me, I would have passed the sentence and swung the sword myself." snarled Sergeant Pachakuti.

"She will stop at nothing to prevent me from becoming emperor, and this must be her attempt to sabatoge me serving in the military. She wants to turn this whole boot camp into a zoo so she can become empress! We have to tell Sergeant Cao immediately!" said Kuzco.

"Tell Sergeant Cao immediately!" ordered Sergeant Pachakuti.

Kuzco held Sergeant Pachakuti to his chest and began a mad dash for the girls' barracks.

"I see you have had much practice in this, princess!" snapped Sergeant Pachakuti.

"Does it matter? My military career is on the line!" said Kuzco as he ran through the girls' chow hall, and began searching for Sergeant Cao.

"There they are." Kuzco ran into a classroom.

"PRIVATE KUZCO! JUST WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING HERE! You can't just come barging into our defensive tactics lesson when we're in the middle of an important decision!" snapped Sergeant Cao.

Kuzco made his way up to the front of the classroom and caught his breath. "This, ma'am." he held up Sergeant Pachakuti.

"Aww!" cooed Sergeant Cao, and there came a chorus of "Aaw's" from the girls.

"He's so cute and tiny!" squealed Sergeant Cao.

"I AM NOT CUTE OR TINY!" screamed Sergeant Pachakuti. Sergeant Cao shrank back.

"You are in denial, my cute and tiny-I mean sir." said Kuzco.

"We have something really important we need to tell you." Kuzco recounted everything about Yzma to Sergeant Cao.

"...So please, destroy those hot sauce bottles!" pleaded Kuzco.

Sergeant Cao's face turned serious. "Thank you." she said with a sincerity that couldn't have been feigned. She turned to the girls. "Let's use those hot sauce bottles for target practice."

Kuzco carried Sergeant Pachakuti back to the boys' barracks.

"Why did you know exactly how to get to the girls' barracks?" asked Sergeant Pachakuti.

"I've been there so you wouldn't threaten me with kitchen patrol, sir." confessed Kuzco.

"Drop and give me fifty push-ups!"

Kuzco set Sergeant Pachakuti down and lay prone on the ground.

"Hold it right there!" Sergeant Pachakuti climbed up Kuzco's hand, up his arm, and onto his back.

"Stop it! You're tickling me!" Kuzco giggled.

"It's not my fault I have little feet." Sergeant Pachakuti situated himself between Kuzco's shoulder blades. "One, two, three..."

"I'm impressed. You can do unassisted push-ups, yet you're still so skinny that you'd need to run around in the shower to get wet." said Sergeant Pachakuti.

Kuzco froze the frame. "He doesn't realize I'm a cartoon character!"

"I'm...almost...done...sir...forty-five, forty-six, forty-seven...

"Don't stop now. This is the most fun I've had in a long time." said Sergeant Pachakuti.

"Forty-nine, fif-" Sergeant Pachakuti turned back into a human, and was sitting on Kuzco's back. Kuzco collapsed under his weight.

"Sir...you're crushing me."

Notes:

Rear eschalons are military units that don't go into combat but do things like supply lines, cooking, and clerical work.

Guinea pigs are my favorite animal, and although guinea pigs are native to South America, I've always found the lack of guinea pigs in The Emperor's New Groove/New School disturbing, so I remedied that.

Chapter 7

Notes:

Two chapters in one week, uh, yay? I've been in the hospital so I've had more time to write, and to celebrate finishing writing the final chapter; I'll be posting two chapters in one week. After this I plan on going back to my usual schedule of posting on Monday or late Sunday.

Kuzco stared out at the obstacle course. There were cargo nets and rope climbs and a giant ladder and other giant things that needed to be climbed over.

"And I have to climb over the giant rope-y net-y things and crawl under coily spiky things, sir?" asked Kuzco.

"The proper names are cargo nets and barbed wire. An emperor should be more articulate than that." said Sergeant Pachakuti.

"What does articulate mean, sir?" asked Kuzco.

"It means you speak clearly and don't refer to things by what they're shaped like, what they do, and by making up adjectives to describe them." explained Sergeant Pachakuti.

"Um, refresh my memory, what's an adjective, sir?" asked Kuzco.

"Maybe if you paid attention in your grammar lessons, you'd remember! Now let's get this show on the road!" snapped Sergeant Pachakuti.

Kuzco immediately went to the start line and stood next to Malina.

"This is our first coed challenge." said Malina.

"I would say lucky me but I have to climb over those tall ropey climbey things!" complained Kuzco.

"You have forty-five minutes to comolete this challenge. On your mark, get set, go!" sergeant Cao blew the whistle, and the recruits ran out onto the obstacle course.

Kuzco grabbed a rope and climbed over the wall. That was only moderately challenging. Then he ran up to the reverse ladder. He got through that all right, then he got to the giant ladder.

He climbed up it along with other recruits, then reached the top. He could see all around. Then he looked down.

He felt a wave of vertigo.

He was too scared to keep going. His hands felt sweaty and his heart hammered. Sergeant Cao and Sergeant Pachakuti were yelling at the recruits.

"Kuzco!" Malina had climbed back for him. "Hold on tight to the top rung!"

Kuzco clung to the top rung.

"Now swing your right leg over the top rung."

"I can't!" Cried Kuzco.

"Don't look down, and swing your right leg over!" ordered Malina.

Kuzco held his breath and swung his right leg over the top rung.

"You're almost there! Now move your right hand to the other side of the rung."

Kuzco moved his right hand to cling to the top rung.

"You're doing great! Now swing your left leg over the top." said Malina.

Kuzco stood on the next rung, clinging to the top rung.

"You did it, Kuzco!" Malina descended the ladder and ran back, and Kuzco followed.

Next, he approached some short wooden stakes that had been hammered into the ground in a rectangle formation with barbed wire coiled over the tops and mud underneath.

Kuzco got on his hands and knees and crawled under the barbed wire.

The mud was slick and it oozed into the thick, heavy fabric of his fatigues.

"Emperors do not crawl through mud." he muttered to himself as he made his way through.

The mud made a squelching noise as he crawled. He itched to be far away from the mud and filth, wearing his imperial regalia. Never, not in his wildest dreams, did he ever imagine he'd be crawling under barbed wire and through the mud while wearing dull green fatigues.

Kuzco finally got out from under the barbed wire, wiped his hands on his fatigues, and ran towards the next obstacle.

He climbed up the straight cargo net, the empty hot sauce potion bottles sewn into the ropes making it difficult to get a handhold, but he made it over the top and back down.

Then the final monstrosity loomed over him.

It was an impossibly tall A-frame cargo net. He took a deep breath and began his ascent. He didn't look down and always kept holding onto something as he climbed over the top, descended past a girl who had gotten her foot caught in the ropes, then began to run towards the finish line, when he remembered the girl who was struggling. An angel and a devil appeared on each shoulder.

"Go to the finish line! You're almost there!" said the devil.

"Go back and help her! You don't leave friends behind." said the angel.

"She's not a friend!" snapped the devil.

"If that were Malina, would you help her?" asked the angel.

Kuzco immediately turned around, climbed halfway up the cargo net, and began helping the girl loosen the rope that had her boot ensnared.

"Easy does it...over...under...there ya go!" Kuzco untangled the rope from the girl's foot.

"Thanks, buddy!" the girl called and descended the cargo net.

Kuzco followed, and finished last, then pointed to the girl who's foot he untangled from the cargo net. "I went back and helped her!" Kuzco announced to everyone.

"You did. I see you're responding to conditioning well." said Sergeant Pachakuti.

"You mean, like, a hair treatment, sir?" asked Kuzco.

Sergeant Pachakuti gave him a dirty look.

"Although on the battlefield, we do not leave friends behind, we also do not go thirty-six seconds past the time limit. Everyone, do it again!" ordered Sergeant Pachakuti.

"You heard Sergeant Pachakuti! To the start line!" ordered sergeant Cao.

The recruits returned to the front of the obstacle course, and Kuzco froze the frame.

"This is where we thought, but dared not say out loud, "Aww, man!"