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Back then, once they got everything out there on the table before them – when they finally had their big, long, proper talk about their relationship and what they were going to do and what Luo Binghe could and could not promise – Shen Yuan did not even so much as hint at the word ‘therapy’.
That was for multiple reasons. For one, he sort of got the impression that that child had been screwed over enough times already by the sorts of systems which were meant to be helping him – at least in some theoretical rehabilitative sort of sense. For two, that entire damn conversation had already been terrifying enough for the poor kid and Shen Yuan did not trust him not to have some sort of trigger response that would see him fleeing all over again.
And also, he had sort of forgotten that it was an option?
It only occurs to him later when he’s digging through some old uni work and finds a fact-sheet about depression and anxiety that some guest lecturer had passed around. At the time he’d laughed about it, joking to Liu Qingee that if this all was to be believed then Shen Yuan was a prime specimen! And when he’d only gotten an odd stare in response, had dropped it into his bag (no reason to litter!), and apparently, it had ended up here.
It’s certainly true that his dear sheep does seem overly anxious at times. How else is he supposed to describe the visceral fear he’s seen in his eyes at the thought of Shen Yuan hating him, or that strain Shen Yuan’s come to notice in his smiles whenever he reacts to something in a way Luo Binghe didn’t expect him to.
The checkboxes don’t seem to be quite so relevant this time, however: Binghe isn’t really anxious about the majority of things. Compared to Shen Yuan, he’s almost unbelievably proactive – a streak of independence he’s had no choice but to hone. But, then, this sheet does say that it’s about ‘Generalised Anxiety Disorder’ up at the top; perhaps there’s a whole other category for relationship anxiety?
He mulls it over for a day, never finding the right time or words to bring it up. On the one hand, hadn’t Luo Binghe already said that he wanted to change? That he knew that the anger which flared up in his chest was wrong? Hadn’t he shaken like a leaf while telling Shen Yuan that he couldn’t promise not to do anything of the sort again, but desperately wished he could – that he desperately wanted to really be better like he had told Shen Yuan he would?
Still. It’s never a fun conversation topic to tell someone ‘hey, so, I think you might be crazy! Have you ever considered bringing that shit to a therapist, or something?!’ And especially since there’s no chance in hell of this poor child being able to afford something like that without Shen Yuan paying his way.
And so, Shen Yuan takes the route which has honoured him with its usefulness throughout his entire life: procrastination! And also, outsourcing all of his critical decision-making to his friends!
*
It’s the first time he’s asked to spent time with Liu Mingyan solo. He expects (without really expecting) to get some sort of extremely confused response when he proposes the lunch, and especially so when he clarifies that he really does mean her and not she and her brother, and, in fact, if he could definitely not come, that would be really helpful, thanks! - but Liu Mingyan’s S-tier conversational abilities smooth the way once again, and at the end of the day there’s really only one reason why he’d want to speak with her without either his little sheep or his college friend present.
Once her tea is poured she warms her fingers against the sides of the cup. “Is there anything I can help you with?”
He ought to feel like he’s talking to some hyper-realistic customer service agent – especially what with that eternal face mask he somehow still hasn’t ever seen under – but somehow, it’s not awkward at all.
“Ahh, sort of. I’ve just been… thinking about something, lately. And I wanted to hear your thoughts, as someone who’s known Luo Binghe longer than I have.”
She nods, entirely unsurprised at this turn in the conversation.
And then waits for him to continue. Which Shen Yuan really should be doing…!
“...um.” He tries to take a sip of tea and then almost drops his cup at the heat of it. “Shit. I mean…”
She shakes her head. He knows she’s not going to mind if he swears in front of her or anything, but still! It feels wrong! This elegant, high-class maiden!
“You had a question about Luo Binghe?”
And she’s even trying to help Shen Yuan out by furthering the conversation! Even though he’s giving her absolutely nothing to work with!
“I just… uhm.” He sighs. “It’s not an easy thing to talk about… with anyone, really.”
She nods, eyes briefly downcast.
“I-I’m not asking about his past or anything, anymore. We’ve – talked about it a bit ourselves, anyway, now. And I’m not angry about any of it.”
Liu Mingyan’s eyes dip again. “He’s been through far more than anyone should.”
“Yeah.” Shen Yuan rubs at the back of his neck. But then, he sees an opening! “It’s… almost a surprise he’s never been forced to see a therapist or something, before.”
“There may have been something along those lines in the correctional facility,” she wonders aloud, thoughtfully. “And… I suppose that was, in theory, the purpose behind the camp he was sent to.”
Shen Yuan winces so hard he almost pulls a muscle. Yeah! Right! That horrible place so bad he chose to run away from because being homeless and destitute was preferable to staying there even a moment longer!
He is most certainly definitely going to want to try something like that all over again!!
“Were you thinking of suggesting therapy to him?” Liu Mingyan asks.
How can she say that so casually right after revealing that?!
“Ahh…” Shen Yuan laughs a little. “Maybe not, if what you’re saying is true.”
But she shakes her head. “I think it sounds like a good idea. He’s in a much better place now than he was back then, and we’d have the option to choose somewhere that he feels that he could trust.”
Shen Yuan thinks ‘trust’ might be stretching it, but. “I’d have to be the one paying for it, of course,” he says neutrally.
“I wouldn’t mind contributing,” she tries, but when Shen Yuan shakes his head, she doesn’t argue. They both know it’s different, and it’s not as though Shen Yuan is lacking for this sort of money either.
“I just… don’t want to scare him,” he admits, and takes another, much more soothing sip of his tea.
“I understand. It’s not an easy thing to talk about.” Liu Mingyan stares into the distance for a few moments. “But… I think that if it were you mentioning it… he’d want to do it.”
Right: obviously it has to be him. Not that Shen Yuan ever expected any differently, given how things have gone between them all, but: still, universe! Have they two not had enough uncomfortable conversations by now already? At least for a little while?
“I don’t think I need to tell you this, but your acceptance of him has been enormously significant to him. He…”
She trails off, uncharacteristically uncertain.
“Yes?”
It’s a little intimidating, feeling her eyes sweeping across his expression. “He said to me at one point… that he wants to try to deserve you,” she says softly.
Shen Yuan’s chest clenches. Of course he understands what he means by that-! And of course he can’t really deny that, well, that maybe some changing in some respects would be better for everyone, but-! At the same time-! What kind of universe is this where someone as gorgeous and kind and charming and thoughtful and stupidly good at cooking and just all-around practically perfect as Luo Binghe feels himself unworthy of some lazy rich asshole like Shen Yuan?!
And besides! He still thinks Binghe shouldn’t be changing too much, now that we’re on the subject! He doesn’t mind if he gets sort of jealous and possessive now and then! Does his little sheep even know how attractive those qualities are capable of being?!
Well… probably he does, given how wrapped around that child’s little finger he is! But still!!
Shen Yuan swallows, then downs a big swig of tea. It’s kind of too hot again when he drinks so much all at once like this! But he slams the cup down with determination.
“All right,” he says, forcing himself to commit to it now by saying it aloud to the most responsible person he knows. “I’ll… do it. Somehow.”
...and as soon as he says it he remembers that he still has no idea how to even think about bringing this up and he just wants to re-do this whole conversation over again from the start!
At least Liu Mingyan looks relieved. He would be, too, if he wasn’t the one having to bring it up… (Though since it’s her, she’s probably just selflessly pleased that her friend has someone who cares so very deeply about him and is determined to help him be the better version of himself he wants to be.)
“I think it would come across the best if you expressed it in a relatively neutral setting,” Mingyan continue, before pausing. Could that possibly be the hint of a flush beneath her facemask? “...my apologies. I didn’t mean to tell you how to speak to your own partner…”
“No, no! It’s all good.” Shen Yuan pushes down the spike of – something – he still feels every time someone refers to their relationship that way. Not that he’s denying it anymore, or even ashamed about it, he thinks? It’s just… it’s just a lot. Even Luo Binghe would agree with that, surely!
But anyway, his little sheep would definitely be clinging a little closer right now, after that little jump. He’s always startlingly in tune with Shen Yuan’s feelings; it’s Shen Yuan’s thought patterns that have a bit of a tendency to…bring about complicated situations.
And then he feels sad he couldn’t bring aforementioned sheep with him, here today. ...really?! It’s been, lik,e half an hour! Is that child’s stickiness rubbing off on him?!
“Um.” What were they just talking about, anyway…? “I mean. You’re used to being the one who’s closest with him, until I came around, anyway.”
He doesn’t expect the startled look Liu Mingyan gives him, nor the furrowed brow and averted eyes.
Her hands touch together on the table. “...yes. I suppose I have been, haven’t I?”
Right. Shen Yuan raises his cup, but the tea is all gone. Liu Mingyan still hasn’t so much as touched hers.
“...I’m glad he has someone to stand beside him now,” she finally continues, quietly.
Shen Yuan wants to tell her not to look so sad – that he’s sure she did everything she could and that Luo Binghe had himself resisted their reconciliation – but it’s not his place to say. Instead, he says: “I’m glad you and he are friends again, as well.”
That seems to brighten her a little. It’s an odd feeling, comforting Liu Mingyan – which it really shouldn’t be, given that he’s her elder. He wonders if he could get away with tapping her on the head the way he does with Binghe She had given him that folding fan for Christmas…
...no! He can’t bear to, even in his imagination…! Liu Mingyan’s aura is just too strong!
“Well.” She checks the time on her phone, then raises a hand to a waiter and gestures at her tea. “Apologies for the abruptness, but I have somewhere else I need to be soon.”
“No problem. It seems like we’re agreed on what to do now, so…” Aside from a fully-notated and stage-directed script for exactly what Shen Yuan should say and how, anyway. But Liu Mingyan is a genuinely busy person, so he really is grateful she came to speak with him today at all.
One hand clasping a takeaway cup of lukewarm tea, Liu Mingyan waves at him gently through the window as she leaves. Ahh – that’s Sha Hualing, isn’t it? Huh, okay: when she said she had a prior engagement he’d figured that was to do with family stuff or the dojo or something, but… oh, yep, it’s immediately clear what kind of afternoon she and her girlfriend actually have planned.
Hualing waves at him too, though. Shen Yuan tries not to look so scandalized. (Look, it’s not that he’s homophobic, okay?! In fact, he might actually even be gay! A little bit! Or something! He’s dating a man, anyway! He’s just – also incredibly, unbelievably virginal asexual!!)
Whatever. Shen Yuan had better head back now, too, or that child will be very pouty at him for returning home late…
...also, now that he thinks about it: did that girl even drink any tea, here?! He still hasn’t seen underneath her face mask at all?!
*
Shen Yuan continues to procrastinate.
So what! It’s not like he doesn’t have good reason to, right?! If he approaches this the wrong way, he could scare that poor little sheep off from the idea entirely! Not to mention reignite all his anxiety and fears of abandonment and make him super clingy and desperate for a while! (Not that that last part sounds so bad…)
But. The thing is that Luo Binghe really is, actually, remarkably attuned to Shen Yuan’s emotions. And still hasn’t, maybe, entirely internalised what Shen Yuan has been trying to teach him about speaking up when he’s unhappy rather than just putting on a brave face.
Or so Shen Yuan presumes, anyway…? He hasn’t expressed any real major dissatisfaction since they started dating properly, at any rate. Maybe he’s really just that happy, now?!
On the other hand, Shen Yuan also remembers how it went the last time he developed worries about hurting Binghe accidentally and so ended up trying to repress everything deep down and avoid him until he’d gotten over it...
He realises all these things in succession while they’re lounging on the couch watching a cooking show. Binghe is snuggled up in his arms and Shen Yuan is loosely braiding little plaits over his shoulder, and then he pauses to go through aforementioned rapid-fire epiphanies, and then his little sheep squirms and asks, “Yuan-ge? Is everything all right?”
That’s the opportunity, right?! Totally natural! Totally neutral! He can just ask it, and Luo Binghe will understand what he means, and that’ll be the end of it! Easy! He is such a good boyfriend!!
“Have you ever considered, ah…” Shen Yuan’s voice cracks. Abort, abort!! But it’s too late. “Um… therapy?”
For several moments Luo Binghe doesn’t move. Shen Yuan doesn’t, either. A bit hard to when his soul has escaped up into heaven.
(Seriously, what was that?! ‘Have you ever considered therapy’?! Has Shen Yuan ever considered raising a sensitive subject with his – with – with his boyfriend without wording it like he’s hurling insults over Airplane’s latest load of drivel?!)
Luo Binghe lets out a surprised breath. It… does not sound like a particularly happy one? But – he hasn’t leapt up or buried his face into Shen Yuan’s chest yet, either, so. Good news…?
“...yes,” he says, lowly.
“Oh,” Shen Yuan says. “Okay!”
All right! All done! Conversation over! He tried!!!
Luo Binghe shifts, and he sort of is burying his face into Shen Yuan’s chest a little bit. But they’re also facing each other a little more, and now he can see that his face is just very – pinched.
Progress! Definitely progress!!
“...there was a counsellor at the prison,” he mutters. This is a prime angle for eyelash-batting but he’s avoiding Shen Yuan’s gaze entirely. Shen Yuan squeezes him a little closer.
“Did you – get to speak to them much?” he asks, not at all sure if this is the right question to ask.
Luo Binghe shrugs. “They were pretty busy.”
They fall silent again, save for the too-loud buzz of the tv. Shen Yuan slowly reaches for the remote, apologising to the heavens when his little sheep’s lips twist further.
“And… I suppose, at the camp…”
“I would really hope that that did not qualify as therapy.”
It’s genuinely scary when his voice gets like this…
Luo Binghe shakes his head, pressing it further into Shen Yuan. He thinks he gets it – he’s not mad at Yuan-ge. It’s just not easy to talk about.
Shen Yuan returns a hand to the top of his head, patting in what he hopes is more soothing than an obvious indication of his own desire to nervously fidget.
“We could… I mean.” He licks his lips. “I’m sure there are people out there who are… not like that. And might actually be… helpful.”
He winces. Helpful…? What is he even describing, here?
Luo Binghe still isn’t speaking.
“I-I know it can be expensive, but, well… of course I don’t mind covering the costs myself. It isn’t something anyone should have to pay for, anyway, so – I mean, it’s not like it’s your fault-”
“That I’m like this...?” Binghe mumbles.
Shen Yuan opens and closes his mouth in rapid succession.
“It’s… fine. I know what you mean.” His head shifts a little, revealing his face; he’s still very pinched, but his cheeks are flushed, and there’s a sadness in his dull eyes that leaves Shen Yuan with no choice but to reach down and kiss the top of his head. “I meant what I said. I really do want… to be better for you, Yuan-ge.”
Shen Yuan swallows thickly. If this were any normal kind of story, he’d ruffle this adorable child’s hair and kiss his nose and remind him for the thousandth time that he’s already exactly the way Shen Yuan wants him and that he shouldn’t ever believe he needs to change himself for his partner! He’s already good and wonderful and perfect enough just the way he is!
...though, if this were a normal story, the boy cuddling adorably over his lap would probably not have secretly installed spyware on his phone.
He. would actually really rather that not happen again, honestly…!
So. He leans down to press another kiss to his hair. “...all right,” he says. Part of him wants to bring up Liu Mingyan as well – safety in numbers, and all, and a reassurance to himself that she also thought it was a good idea – but it would definitely be weird to know that your friends were talking about you behind your back, right? Let alone about therapy?!
So instead, he just says: “I could help you find someone…? Um, if you’d even like my input – obviously, this is all for you, so-”
“Yuan-ge…!” Suddenly, his little sheep is gripping tightly at Shen Yuan’s arm. “Of course I want your help! You’re not going to make me do this all on my own, are you…?”
And, well. Shen Yuan can’t and won’t resist giving that fluffy head a little scratch. “You know I won’t be able to come in on the sessions with you, right…?” he says, teasingly.
Luo Binghe’s gaze refocuses, wide and teary. “Yuan-ge…!”
Shen Yuan snorts, flicking at his head. “Hey, hey. You need to have at least someplace you can go to complain about me in secret, right?”
How are his eyes capable of getting any wider?! “I would never, Yuan-ge…! I have nothing to complain about, ever, with you!”
Shen Yuan sighs, tugging his sheep closer. What is he ever going to do with this little ball of love?
And then, he feels Luo Binghe’s pouting lips against his collar. “Does that mean…” he asks, voice muffled, “that Yuan-ge… complains about me…?”
What is he going to do with this little rascal? Spoil him endlessly for the rest of the evening, apparently, in a frantic attempt to take back those thoughtless words!!
But at the end of it all, Luo Binghe is curled up contentedly in Shen Yuan’s arms, and he’s not sure either of them regret all that fussing, either.
*
They don’t talk about it again the next day. He already knows how very talented his little sheep can be at playing that carefree sort of character role and it worries him more than a little, but this is probably just one of those things a person needs some time to process.
So Shen Yuan starts doing research in his own time. He’s never really thought much about therapy before, so he kind of doesn’t even know where to start? Like, what does that even mean, those directions to talk with one’s regular GP? Why would a perfectly healthy young man like Luo Binghe even have a regular doctor, anyway?! And then there are the prices: Shen Yuan had known that mental health services could be expensive, but this seemed downright extortionate!
...though it was still well within Shen Yuan’s means. He does try to notice and appreciate these things, but… he certainly hadn’t properly understood how privileged he is until he got to see life the way Luo Binghe has lived it.
There’s also the fact that all these doctors have specific specialisations, and Shen Yuan has no idea what he’s supposed to do with that information. How is he supposed to know if Binghe would benefit from a doctor specialising in ‘mood disorders’ or not?! Isn’t that what they’re supposed to tell him?! He does see some that talk about being LGBT+ friendly, or doctors advertising their own Chinese heritage and familiarity with the culture, but neither of those things are really central to Luo Binghe’s – troubles. It might be a bit more relevant if one of these doctors knew a lot about poverty and homelessness, but given the prices they’re charging, Shen Yuan isn’t holding his goddamn breath.
In the end, he picks someone almost at random. But then when he realises he’s going to have to make a phone call over this, the google searches he makes trying to work out what he’s supposed to say indicate that therapist waiting lists can be up to years long. And, when he re-checks his chosen therapist’s website, sure enough: there’s a little note he’d missed advising new applicants to wait 1-2 years for an initial consultation.
It’s almost enough to make him throw his laptop out the window and be done with it!
“What’s wrong?” Luo Binghe rests a chin on his shoulder, curling arms around the back of his office chair. “Is the new chapter really that bad…?”
His nuzzle halts as his eyes focus in on the screen.
“Ahh, well…” Shen Yuan swallows. He can’t make this awkward! There’s nothing more awkward than someone being really awkward about something! “I was just… trying to do some research,” he puts it.
Luo Binghe hums.
“It’s just… not exactly an easy process,” Shen Yuan complains, running a hand through his hair; once it’s removed, Binghe threads his own there in its place. “Everyone’s advertising their own offices – how am I supposed to know who to go to?! Do people write reviews for therapists? And they all have their unique specialities, but, why am I the one who has to decide what’s important? Can’t you just… go in and talk to someone and they figure out what would be good?!”
“Sounds like…” Luo Binghe murmurs. “A lot of work.”
Shen Yuan crosses his arms. “It’s a bad system,” he says defiantly. “Don’t we, as a society, want people to be seeking out therapy if it might be good for them?! Why do we all just accept this – absolutely incredibly inefficient state of affairs?! I can barely make heads or tails of it and I’m, y’know – doing all right?” Don’t say ‘normal’!! “So, how is any of this supposed to be any use to the people who need it most?! How can we expect them to figure this all out if even I can’t?”
Binghe listens patiently to his rant. When Shen Yuan goes off like this on his web-novels, he normally ends up teasing him a bit afterwards, rolling his eyes affectionately, but for obvious reasons he does not respond like that right now.
“...I’m sorry you’re dealing with all that,” Luo Binghe murmurs. His voice is a little too high and monotonous. “Um, I really don’t mind doing some-”
“Hey.” Shen Yuan swivels in his chair a little, dislodging his sheep’s poor chin from his perch, to look him in the eye. Binghe blinks a little, head tilting, but his face is still doing that controlled, faintly curious little air Shen Yuan has come to recognise. He reaches back to take Binghe’s hand. “I’m not complaining because it’s too much work. I’m – righteously indignant. On your behalf!”
Binghe blinks down at him, and even at this unambiguous difference in height he still somehow manages to look small. “I… don’t need you to do all that, really.” Luo Binghe smiles a little, lopsided. “Things are so much better for me now, because of Yuan-ge. I don’t… Um, I just don’t want you feeling angry and frustrated, or…”
Shen Yuan grunts. He’s been keeping the hand fan at his desk (not at all so he can take it and wave it a bit when he’s reading web-novels by himself!) which is very convenient; he taps lightly at Binghe’s cheek.
“Who do you think I am, hm?” He raises an imperious eyebrow. “I’m… your partner,” he continues with only momentary hesitation, and Binghe’s eyes visibly brighten a little just from that. “That makes us a team. It’s in my job description to worry about you and look out for you and get mad when you’re being mistreated, ah? You’ve had to do that all for yourself for so long… give yourself a break and let me do it for a little while, all right?”
Luo Binghe’s eyes are definitely shining. He sniffles. “Yuan-ge… um. Thank you…”
He presses his head back down into Shen Yuan’s shoulder, who ruffles the hair a bit. It’s a good thing this child isn’t too precious about his hairstyles, for all the care he takes in the washing and combing of it; on the contrary, he seems to wear every slight toussle of Shen Yuan’s like a mark of honour.
“Hey, hey. No need to cry over something like this, hm? What we should be crying over is this messed-up system that has no reason to be so ridiculously over-complicated!”
Binghe still cries for a while. Shen Yuan doesn’t mind.
*
Somehow, they find someone. Well, what actually ends up happening is that Shen Yuan mentions that doctors can supposedly refer to therapists, and his proactive little sheep just shrugged and said that he could find someone and ask about it, and the next thing Shen Yuan knows, he’s booked in! And only for a couple of months away!
The lady in question supposedly specialises in anxiety and depression. Well, that seems to be the most common thing people see therapists for. Also, there’s a big statement on her website about how proudly LGBT+ supportive she is, which must be good for something. (Did Binghe venture that information himself…? Not that he has any reason not to, but. Shen Yuan just hopes he wasn’t being stereotyped, or anything.)
“Are you fussing over me again?” Luo Binghe asks, and Shen Yuan will never tire of feeling those warm arms coming up behind and around him. He looks, overall, remarkably… happy, given the subject of conversation.
It’s a weight off Shen Yuan’s shoulders. Somewhat ironically, given his sheep’s preferred perch. “And I suppose you’d be very upset with me if I was?”
Luo Binghe hums. His cute little mouth twists and turns, pondering this incredibly difficult and complicated question. If the tips of those lips start quirking along the way, shifting into a full grin, it’s surely not because Shen Yuan becomes so distracted starting at them that he almost forgets the question.
“I’m not sure,” he finally whispers, sultry-sweet. Shen Yuan only realises mid-movement that he’s licking his lips. And still the little devil just waits right there, the picture of innocence. “If I was, what would Yuan-ge do to make it up to me…?”
And. They’re still not – having sex. That hasn’t changed. But. He can still… do things, right?
Not sexy things, but – things of a… somewhat sexiness-adjacent nature?!
“I, um.” Shen Yuan licks his lips again. And then, realising that Binghe’s shoulders are shaking with suppressed laughter, swallows a growl in his throat and just kisses him already.
Binghe still seems surprised whenever Shen Yuan kisses him first like this, even after such clear encouragement; it always makes him feel a little bad, but whose fault is it if his little sheep is normally so sticky and affectionate that almost all of Shen Yuan’s needs are met merely by being in his presence?!
Still. He makes a mental note to kiss him more. That’s how he’ll ‘make it up to him.’
Not that he needs to. But he does so enjoy spoiling his little sheep.
*
Still – all of their discussions and planning so far have been merely theoretical. As the day of Luo Binghe’s First Official Therapy Session approaches, Shen Yuan can’t help fretting.
He tries not to let it show too much. He doesn’t want to worry that child any more than he already is! Shen Yuan should be considered a strong, slender tree – a monolith of support for that child to rest against or cling to however he wishes!
And… somehow, it doesn’t seem like he is? Worrying? Weirdly?
He’s already reiterated on the boy’s skill for hiding his own distress. But Shen Yuan likes to think that after everything they’ve been through (which is – well – okay, only about three months, when he looks back on it – but they’ve been an eventful three months!) he’s learned at least a thing or two about reading him.
But he truly does appear fine with the prospect of starting out therapy. He even brings it up once or twice without prompting – nothing especially deep and meaningful, but given that Shen Yuan had once been afraid to even say the word without giving the impression that Binghe would be chucked into an asylum or forced to repeat the horrors of whatever that teen camp had put him through – he sort of almost maybe just doesn’t really know how to take it?
But maybe he’s expecting too little of him. For all Shen Yuan likes to dote on him and call him ‘that child’ and such, he’s only a couple of years younger than himself, and he’s been through more in that lifetime than Shen Yuan could ever possibly imagine. He shouldn’t expect him to cling to his Yuan-ge for every little thing.
And maybe… he really just does want to change. Maybe this is what that looks like.
He keeps watch on his little sheep while he goes about his daily routine – heading to and back from work, cooking their meals and new videos for the ASMR channel, and all while never failing to provide his partner more affection than Shen Yuan would beforehand have received in an entire year. He can’t figure out how he fits it all in – what had Shen Yuan done all day, before Binghe?! But Luo Binghe never lets up, greeting Shen Yuan with smiles and kisses and wonderful (and gastronomically healthy!) food every single day.
Maybe this is how it happens: the child finds a home, and friends, and love, and things just get better.
It doesn’t stop him from worrying entirely, of course. As the date of the first session approaches even Liu Qingge makes an awkward attempt to ask what’s on his mind; as with his sister, Shen Yuan thankfully doesn’t need too many words to communicate the situation (which, in this case, happens to be: you really don’t want to know about it! And I really don’t want to tell you!).
Hell, it gets to the point where Luo Binghe rolls his eyes at him the day before, poking softly at his nose.
“You know I always appreciate Yuan-ge worrying for me,” he says, all husky and eyelash-batting and irresistible. “But there’s nothing wrong with relaxing a little more sometimes, hmm…?” And then his hands are on Shen Yuan’s shoulders and, damn: he really does spend too much time hunched over the computer, doesn’t he?
“I know,” he admits with a huff, which he thinks is something be pretty proud of when someone as gorgeous as Luo Binghe is currently trying very hard to reduce him to speechlessness. “I need to have a little more faith in you, hm?”
Luo Binghe plants a kiss against Shen Yuan’s cheek. “My believer,” he murmurs.
And then, at last, it happens: Luo Binghe goes to therapy.
...well: one session of it, anyway.
Again, Shen Yuan sort of prepares for – not the worst, but… some new sort of uncertainty, at least? And at worst, a hurt and humiliated child who has quite understandably now lost faith in the psychiatric institutions of this country entirely?!
Instead, Luo Binghe returns with a sense of what Shen Yuan can only describe as determination.
“Welcome back,” he greets him at the door, taking special care to kiss Binghe first and receiving a happy little smile in response. “How was it?”
Luo Binghe hums, tilting his head. “I wasn’t really sure what to expect, to be entirely honest,” he soon admits with a bashful shrug. “In the end, I filled out a lot of forms, and I talked a lot about myself… I suppose it was nice to have someone willing to listen, but it’s a bit distracting when they keep looking down to write about you.”
Shen Yuan frown a little. “Yeah, that would be.” He wonders what the lady did write about him. It must’ve been mostly praise, right? Who can resist his wonderful and nearly-perfect boyfriend during a first meeting when he’s at the height of his charm?!
“I…” Luo Binghe fiddles with the strap of his bag for a moment before taking it off, in an unusually stiff motion, and hanging it by the door. “I told her about… everything that happened. Around Christmas.”
Shen Yuan’s eyes stutter. “Er- everything?” It must have been a pretty long story, surely?
Luo Binghe nods. His voice is soft, but surprisingly firm. “About… your phone.”
The spyware. Shen Yuan hums a little, unsure what else to say. But Luo Binghe finally meets his eyes, expression serious, and nods.
And that just makes Shen Yuan… proud. He raises a hand to ruffle his hair. “That’s good,” he says, and he’s not sure if he’s praising his little sheep or expressing how nice it is that he felt safe to do that. Either way, Luo Binghe’s shoulders slump a little, relaxing, and his eyes take on that familiar glassy sheen that makes Shen Yuan just want to wrap him in his arms forever.
So he does. (Not forever. Unfortunately. But it’s very good, all the same.)
*
And with that, it’s done! Hooray! Therapy has been achieved!!
...or so Shen Yuan’s nervous system seems to believe, anyway. There are still several more sessions booked in after this, of course – from what Luo Binghe described, it seemed this appointment was more of a getting-to-know-you type of thing so that the therapist could figure out what sort of plan to move forward with.
A few days later when he remembers all this he questions awkwardly whether she gave any indication of the type of plan (and by that, Shen Yuan thinks he meant ‘diagnosis’) she’s leaning towards, but Luo Binghe had only shrugs. “She said she doesn’t like to say anything until she’s been able to look over all of her notes properly, so I don’t really know.”
“I guess it is a lot to take in in just one hour,” Shen Yuan agrees.
“Oh – she did give me some pamphlets and things, though…?” Luo Binghe jumps up briefly to rifle through his bag and take out some surprisingly familiar-looking sheets of paper.
Of course his sheep would notice that flicker of recognition. “Have you seen these before, Yuan-ge?”
“Ah – only at uni,” he admits, flicking through them. “You know, it was one of those things where they get a guest lecturer in for the day to talk about work stress and all that stuff.”
Something Luo Binghe would manifestly not know. Shen Yuan flinches a little, searching for a distraction.
“It all just seemed a bit silly, though!” he says, tapping at those pesky little checkboxes. “I mean, if that’s their standard for depression I think it’d be harder to find someone who wasn’t depressed!”
Luo Binghe raises an eyebrow. “Really? I only skimmed it, but none of it really stuck out to me as unrealistic.”
There’s a funny feeling deep in Shen Yuan’s skull, but fortunately, this Shen Yuan has legendary resistance against having realisations he isn’t yet prepared for, and so, he simply insists that his boyfriend is wrong and grabs up the evidence.
“Like – hmm. Lack of motivation, loss of interest in previously enjoyed activities…”
Well, when he thinks about it, that probably doesn’t really apply to him anymore? It’s sort of hard to tell when he only has a protagonist-type like Luo Binghe to compare himself to, but he thinks he’s been pretty motivated when it comes to said boyfriend and their ASMR channel. He’s even been actively thinking about schoolwork lately! (Mostly because he wants to be able to support Luo Binghe with whatever he ends up deciding to do and knows with utter certainty he could become rich and famous someday if he set his mind to it.)
“Well, what else is there? Sense of purposelessness, sleeping excessively, loss of – um, libido…”
He trails off.
Well! That last one doesn’t apply to him anyway, since he’s asexual!!
And his sleeping patterns have gotten a lot better now that he has a very clingy and beautiful self-proclaimed househusband to entice him into bed (for – cuddling! And sometimes kissing!!). He still doesn’t have much of a sense of his own future, but he knows for sure he’ll be doing whatever he can to support Luo Binghe, which means he can’t truthfully say he lacks purpose anymore, either.
Hm.
Luo Binghe is gazing at him with very wide eyes.
“Yuan-ge…” he breathes, and Shen Yuan squirms at the attention. “Do you often feel all these ways…?”
“Oh, um… I mean, maybe in the past, but… Not really… anymore?”
It’s really! Far too powerful! The earnest, concerned gaze of this adorable child!!
“Th-this isn’t about me!” Shen Yuan blurts out in alarm.
Wrong move: Luo Binghe’s expression immediately morphs into a serious pout.
“Yuan-ge! Wasn’t it you who said the other day that we’re a team? And that we’re supposed to worry about one another?”
It’s also desperately not fair, using his own logic back on him like that!
“It’s really nothing to worry about anymore!” Shen Yuan pleads. “Um, maybe, it’s possible that… before we met… I may have, erm, probably met these criteria, however…!”
Luo Binghe grips his hand tightly. “Should you talk to a doctor as well? Just in case? These things can come back in a cycle, the therapist said! I wouldn’t want you thinking that just because things are good now, they could never get worse again…!”
It’s… really, really hard to argue when Luo Binghe goes for that logic and puppy-dog-eyes double whammy combo strat…!
“...fine,” he cedes, earning himself a pleased little kiss from his now-bouncy sheep. “But I really do think that even if used to be a problem… well.” He takes one of his boyfriend’s hands from his arm and entangles their fingers. “It’s… awfully hard to find anything to be depressed about when I have you here with me.”
...was that too cheesy? He’d only said what he was really thinking – Shen Yuan might still lack the self-assurance to be overtly romantic, except on rare occasions, but when Luo Binghe is involved praise falls from his lips as easy as breathing – however, once the words are out there, he’s a little impressed to have said something so cool!
Only, Luo Binghe isn’t looking all dazzled the way he normally does in those rare occasions Shen Yuan manages to live up to his romcom dreams. Instead, his smile grows a little weak.
“I understand what you mean,” he says gently, and once again Shen Yuan feels impossibly naive. “But… you can’t ever really tell with these things.”
He agrees to go to the doctor. And he thinks about that response a lot.
*
And so, when Luo Binghe heads out the door for his second session, Shen Yuan isn’t all that worried anymore. He remembers, of course, that the therapist had indicated that this time she’d suggest some sort of a plan (a diagnosis…??) but if Binghe isn’t concerned about it, why should he be?
Indeed, there’s almost something of a spring in Binghe’s step as he prepares to go out. He bullies Shen Yuan into brushing his hair and tying it up again with that red ribbon he’d gifted him for his birthday and he’s wearing a fresh coat of nail polish carefully applied the previous night. He’s humming while he prepares Shen Yuan’s lunch (entirely unnecessary, but the child had just had so much extra energy today even compared to usual), and the casual flirting they engage in whilst Shen Yuan sips his tea and checks his social media feeds brings forth a whole new type of warmth in Shen Yuan’s chest.
Is this… true domesticity…?!
Once the lunch is done and wrapped up in the fridge, Binghe approaches again to place a kiss on Shen Yuan’s cheek. His curls are bouncing as he walks, and though it must be something he does deliberately, that doesn’t make it any less enchanting.
“See you later,” Shen Yuan murmurs.
Those cute little lips curl even higher. “See you later, Yuan-ge!”
And, well. They have time for just one little extra kiss, don’t they?
He’s happy for him: really, honestly, absurdly pleased: proud and relieved and just straight-up smitten to see his adorable, wonderful little sheep striding forth with such confidence and such enticing little grins. It makes him smile even just to think about it after Binghe has left, and it’s a little bit of a workplace hazard as he gets stuck in to editing their newest ASMR video.
God, he just loves this little sheep of his so very ridiculously much!!!
Binghe doesn’t message him immediately after the session is over, which Shen Yuan wouldn’t normally notice if he were actually properly focusing on the editing like he’s supposed to be doing. But he’d decided to trust his boyfriend, so he tries to put it out of his mind. Maybe the session is just running over time! That’s a thing that happens, right?
Twenty minutes later Shen Yuan is trying not to get pretty actually genuinely nervous!! It’s not at all unusual for Binghe to run late when he’s at work, but that’s customer service! Sometimes there’s a weirdly-timed rush! And usually Binghe is pretty assiduous about messaging Shen Yuan any time there’s any remote cause to do so. His little sheep loves having his attention! And he deserves it!!
Ten minutes later, his phone finally buzzes. Shen Yuan almost fumbles it in his haste to pick up.
‘All done! (●'◡'●) I think I’ll take a little longer before heading home, though, okay? ♪’
Shen Yuan stares down at it.
What!!! An absolutely incredibly vague and unhelpful message?!?
Why is he staying out longer? Where is he?? Did something come up? Is he going shopping? Did he cross paths with somebody and wants to stop for a bite to eat? If any of those are the case, why not just say it??
Shen Yuan’s palms are sweating immediately. This is NOT like the last time, he tells himself. He is not going to have to do another goddamn full-speed dash to an airport and make a fool of himself in public. He’s not leaving.
But it’s also not like the previous time, after their fight. Right…? Nothing could’ve happened to make Luo Binghe mad at him during the session, right? Don’t tell him the therapist lady hates him and told Binghe to break up with him immediately, or something?!
No. He tries to get his breathing in order. Nothing about the message sounds angry or vengeful. If he’s avoiding Shen Yuan – and, it’s really hard not to see it any other way, even if he sounds a bit crazy just vocalising it in his head – it’s more likely to be because something’s got him anxious again.
...but, wait: if that were it, wouldn’t he be wanting to come back as soon as possible to make sure Shen Yuan couldn’t get away?!
He wants to throw up. And he still hasn’t even responded to this stupid seemingly completely innocent text message his boyfriend has dropped so casually into his lap!!!
He jerks a little as he goes to type something out, not wanting to seem too desperate, but at the same time, why shouldn’t he? He has pretty good reason to be worried about Luo Binghe disappearing for a while without telling anyone where he is – the boy has, in fact, a pronounced track history of doing exactly that! On top of which, his little sheep is terrified at the though of ending up alone with nobody to care for him! It’d probably be a relief to know that Shen Yuan is worrying like crazy here even after only this much!!
But! He still probably shouldn’t sound like he’s gone completely insane over him, right?!
‘Is everything okay? Do you need me to come with you’
There!! That’s pretty good, right? Not insane, just – informed! It might be a bit embarrassing for Binghe to remember how well Shen Yuan knows him, but so what! Shen Yuan would rather he be embarrassed than – than going off and getting himself into trouble or something because he’s convinced himself Shen Yuan doesn’t really love him and is only staying with him out of pity because his therapy session went that catastrophically badly, or something!!
It takes another couple of minutes to get a response, and that also does absolutely nothing to lower Shen Yuan’s heart rate.
‘Nothing’s wrong! (￣▽￣)” Sorry to worry you! I might just not really be able to talk about the session as soon as I come home, okay?’
He knew it!! He knew something had gone wrong!!
He reassures Binghe that that’s totally okay and he can take his time to process and feel whatever he needs to feel and Shen Yuan will be there to hug him or distract him or give him alone time or whatever he wants, and then sends it immediately before he can second-guess himself. Binghe doesn’t reply, but he does react to his message with a little love heart, which takes one further tiny sliver off Shen Yuan’s general state of panic.
He shouldn’t be panicking when Luo Binghe gets back home, right? That’d just make everything worse! He has to be solid and reassuring and make it very clear that he will wait as long as that child needs without demanding to know what was said in a private therapy session not involving him at all!
Even if!! He currently wants to wreak dramatic revenge against whatever snobbish therapist thought they could hurt his precious little sheep!!!
When Luo Binghe finally returns – only a little bit later than expected, given the public transport schedules – he’s got his Smile on.
“Good afternoon, Yuan-ge!” he says before Shen Yuan’s even properly reacted to his arrival. His boyfriend swoops down to place a kiss on his cheek and then immediately steps into the kitchen. “Did you make sure to eat the lunch I left for you?”
“I did,” Shen Yuan says truthfully. He’d been distracted enough while working that he’d ultimately scoffed it down early, praising the heavens all the while for his incredibly talented and dedicated self-proclaimed househusband!
“I’m glad to hear that. It really worries me when you get too focused on work and forget to eat, you know, Yuan-ge?”
“I know, I know.” This sort of nagging had only increased in frequency since Shen Yuan had admitted that maybe, during that whole pre-Luo Binghe period when he had maybe, theoretically, technically qualified for the definition of ‘depressive disorder’, he had mostly subsisted on take-away and pre-packaged meals, if he even ate at all.
But all that is very far from his mind compared to the way Luo Binghe is barely even looking at him, now.
He’s not sure what to say, and he had in fact promised to give him time before interrogating him about the therapy session. So, uneasily, he tries to trust in Binghe and get back to work.
It does not go any more smoothly now than it had earlier, for all the wrong reasons. Luo Binghe flits here and there, checking the cabinets and making quiet notes on what they’d need to purchase during their next shopping trip. Then he hears him scrubbing in the bathroom, which it most definitely is not due for yet this week.
It’s around when he hears his boyfriend rummaging around in their bedroom closet that Shen Yuan finally finds his voice.
“Is, erm – is everything… all right?”
Which!! Is a pretty stupid question, in context?? But, what else is he supposed to say???
Binghe pokes his head out only briefly. “Please don’t worry too much, Yuan-ge! Honestly, I just feel a lot better in general when I’m working.”
And not when you’re cuddling up close with your beloved Yuan-ge…?
Shen Yuan purses his lips, trying not to feel a bit rejected. But, if the thinks about it: isn’t that maybe actually the most helpful thing he could be feeling, right now…?
He stands up, walking over to the bedroom. Binghe is sincerely surprised to see him. “Yuan-ge?”
Shen Yuan eyes him up and down. And then, he walks further and takes his boyfriend in a hug.
Binghe lets out a little “Oh!” Shen Yuan just tightens his grip, holding for a second.
“...geez: what’s all this about, Yuan-ge? Did you really miss me that much?” Binghe asks, tone not quite right.
“Yes. I did.” Shen Yuan huffs a little. He can’t really tap at his forehead or flick him or anything from this position, head low, but he hopes Binghe will get the message anyway. “You told me all of a sudden you’d be staying out for a while without explanation, and even now that you’ve come back I still haven’t gotten a proper hug…”
It still causes heat to rise in his cheeks to say such shameless, needy things! But it gets him exactly the reaction he wanted when Binghe immediately melts around him.
“...I’m sorry, Yuan-ge,” he mumbles, piteous little pout audible against Shen Yuan’s ear.
“Now, now.” Shen Yuan pats at his back. “As long as you understand. This Yuan-ge needs you too, you know?”
Binghe lets out an adorable little noise of understanding that makes it really hard not to just keep squeezing him forever!
But, he really should at least try to get to the bottom of this. He’s still not exactly good at this whole proactive communication thing, but when you’re living with someone in an ordinary-sized apartment (um, by the Shen family’s standards, anyway) it’s just too distracting when somebody is obviously going through something.
“I’m still not going to ask you about what happened in the session,” Shen Yuan says very slowly and clearly, even as Binghe’s shoulders tense regardless. “But, um… can I at least know… roughly what’s been bothering you? It’s just-”
Binghe starts to say something and Shen Yuan’s contradicting himself by interrupting but, damn it, this is probably a really important thing to say!
“It sort of feels like you’re avoiding me specifically,” he continues quickly. “Because you’re worried about how I’ll react, or… something.” Or maybe he’s totally off and it’s incredibly cringey that he’s making this all about himself! But he… doesn’t think so. “So. I just wanted – to reiterate, what I’ve said about how I’d rather know if you’re feeling anxious or dissatisfied with me in some way. And that I’d much rather hear things out than let you spiral on your own.”
He strokes at Binghe’s hair. His shoulders still haven’t untensed. If anything, he feels even more rigid in Shen Yuan’s arms.
“...I’m sorry, Yuan-ge,” Binghe murmurs, and Shen Yuan’s stomach drops: this isn’t the cultivated tone of an adorable sheep knowing he’s being a little vulnerable but still collected enough to tease his Yuan-ge for extra affection in the process. This sounds more like the empty, teeth-rattlingly desperate way he had explained to Shen Yuan about installing a keylogger on his phone. “I just, um… I don’t know if I can tell you about this.”
Shen Yuan squeezes tighter. “Why?” he whispers.
Binghe snorts, just a little. Like – like it should be obvious, or like he doesn’t even know where to start.
“Is it… about the plan? The – diagnosis?”
Binghe winces whole-body. Bingo.
Feeling a little more confused despite the new information, Shen Yuan pats his back again. “Well – if it’s any consolation, I really don’t know anything about psychiatry or mental health or anything like that. So I’m not sure I’ll know enough to be surprised by anything.”
Wait. His grip tightens. “Unless – your therapist didn’t say something really awful, did she?” Damaged goods? Beyond hope? “Like – like that you couldn’t get better, or something completely inappropriate like that?!”
“N-no, I…” Binghe takes in a ragged breath. “I mean…” he continues, almost too quietly to hear, “she might as well have…”
“Binghe.” Riddled with concern, Shen Yuan kisses the side of his head. So… she probably didn’t say anything directly? Was this partly Binghe’s nerves getting the best of him?
“...you’re really not going to let up, are you,” Binghe mumbles, almost petulant.
It’s Shen Yuan’s turn to wince. “It’s just, ahh… I really don’t want you spiralling about something and imagining I’ll be rejecting you when that’s almost certainly not going to happen!”
Bad choice of words? Binghe makes a pitiful little whine.
“And even if it is something bad,” he barrels on, “I’d much rather we – talk about it. And then we can decide together how to respond, hm?”
He doesn’t think he’s convincing Binghe, really. However, Binghe’s grip slowly loosens. Even if he still fears the worst, he seems to finally accept that Shen Yuan isn’t letting this go. It does make him feel a bit guilty, but if he thinks about their last conversation… there really isn’t any getting around that they’d need to talk about this at some point. Isn’t it better to get it over with sooner?
They break apart at last and Shen Yuan tugs Binghe over to the bed. He sits down stiffly, avoiding Shen Yuan’s eyes.
“Um…” Binghe licks his lips, and even the comforting hand Shen Yuan places on his thigh does nothing to stem the shaking. “What do you… know about… um, personality disorders…?”
Shen Yuan’s eyes widen for a moment. He had meant not to hesitate – not to give Binghe even a moment to assume the worst of his reaction – but the truth is that the answer is so very much ‘almost nothing’ that it takes a moment for him to even scan his memory for the phrase.
“Er, not much?” He scratches the back of his neck. His mind is already whirling, trying to put this together before he can say something wrong and make this any worse. “...not really anything, honestly.”
Thankfully, that does seem to lighten Binghe’s nerves at least a little. He’s still breathing far too shallowly, eyes glazed and unfocused towards the opposite wall.
“Th-then, um…” Shen Yuan squeezes his thigh again. “What about…” his voice goes soft; fearful. “...borderline…?”
That actually rings a little more of a bell, though Shen Yuan can’t immediately place much of a context for it.
He wouldn’t, on first impression, say that the associations he’d come to expect with that term were particularly positive, though.
That shouldn’t be a relief, but it kind of is: now he thinks he finally understands what’s worrying his poor sheep so much, even if he only has a few fragments of the story.
“Also not much,” he says, more firmly this time. “I’ve never really looked into any of this before.”
“Y-you really don’t need to…” Binghe swallows. Was that also a bit of a comfort to him? “Though. I guess it’s not surprising if I’ve heard a lot more about it than you have…”
Shen Yuan takes his hand to wrap it around Binghe’s shoulder instead, pulling him closer. “Was that the therapist’s suggestion?”
Binghe sucks in a breath. And then, minutely, he nods.
So: it’s confirmed. That’s what he was so afraid of Shen Yuan learning about.
He can immediately imagine it: having whatever reaction he’d had when the therapist had announced it, and then leaving and abruptly realising that he’d have to face Shen Yuan very soon and explain himself. The fear of what that diagnosis might mean for him compounding with the fear of Shen Yuan noticing how stressed out he was and forcing it out of him then resulting in that transparent delay tactic earlier.
But then, could it be possible he’s under-reacting to all this? He really does not actually know what borderline actually means.
(He suddenly remembers when he’d seen the word previously: some dumb misogynistic meme about how girls with borderline are better in bed. He immediately feels filthy to have even viewed that image, even if it had been mere nonsense to him at the time.)
“U-umm…” Oh – he’s been silent for too long and worried his sheep again. Shen Yuan kisses his head immediately. “You really… haven’t heard about it?”
It is definitely not the time to bring up that meme, so: Shen Yuan shakes his head. “Is there medication for it? Or is it more of a talking and opening up kind of thing?” Those are the two kinds of therapy, right?
“No medication,” Binghe mutters darkly. His eyes clench shut. “It’s… that’s what’s really scary about it. It’s not that something’s wrong with my body, like your digestion issues. It’s just… me.”
Binghe’s head lowers further.
“I’m just… a bad person.”
Shen Yuan frowns. “That can’t be true.”
“It’s a personality disorder!” Binghe suddenly cries out, eyes wild. Even with this newfound energy he can barely stand to meet Shen Yuan’s eye. “It’s a problem with my personality. That’s what that means!”
“But it’s a disorder,” Shen Yuan argues, trying to convince and understand all in one. “It’s not just – a personality trait.”
“So my personality traits are distorted,” Binghe spits out.
Aren’t they going around in circles? “I mean, isn’t that what it usually means, to have problems with mental health?”
“No.” At last, Binghe casts the full weight of his gaze on Shen Yuan. “Suffering from depression isn’t the same thing as just being lazy. It means that the chemicals in your brain aren’t functioning correctly, so you’re physically and mentally exhausted.”
“It sure felt like laziness to me,” Shen Yuan admits.
“That’s because you didn’t know. But you had an excuse. A reason.” Binghe’s brow is twitching. He’d said before that he’s been through too much pain to cry from it anymore, but now – the corners of his eyes -
Shen Yuan tugs him closer into a hug. “Binghe,” he says, almost in a gasp. “You do have your reasons. And – none of that matters to me, anyway.”
Binghe halts his half-hearted attempts to push Shen Yuan away. “...what do you mean?” he breathes.
“I mean that…” He sighs a little, trying to get his thoughts in order. “I’ve… well, I’ve heard pretty much everything important there is to know about your past, haven’t I? And your diagnosis must have been based on all that, right? So…! This isn’t any kind of new information, I don’t think. It’s just – a description of what’s happened.”
Binghe’s nails tighten in his shirt. He must want this – Shen Yuan’s approval – so, so desperately. And yet: “But it means… It’ll be so hard to… I don’t know how I can… g-get better…”
Shen Yuan runs a comforting hand over his back. “Did the therapist say anything about that?”
“She said it was harder. For personality disorders.”
That can’t have been all of it. “And?”
Binghe hiccoughed. “A-and… w-well, something about… a kind of therapy… DBT…”
“So!” Shen Yuan pats at Binghe’s back conclusively. “That’s what you’ll be doing then, right? It sounds very scientific. They wouldn’t do it if they didn’t believe it could work.”
There’s wetness pooling at Shen Yuan’s collar. “Y-yuan-ge…” It’s almost hard to understand him, between the sobs now wracking his frame. “Y-you still… w-want to be with me…”
Ah: yes, he should have started with that, shouldn’t he?
“Of course I do.” He kisses Binghe’s hair again as his sheep finally lets go entirely to the sobbing.
He keeps up the stroking down his back, fidgeting with a lock of hair with the other. “It doesn’t change anything,” Shen Yuan murmurs. “I… I still care for you very deeply. You’re very, very precious to me, Binghe.”
Binghe wails.
*
Hours later, they’re lying side by side, facing one another, and Binghe’s tears have finally dried up. Almost entirely, anyway.
Even now, red-eyed and puffy and sniffling, he still looks gorgeous. It can’t only be Shen Yuan who would think that, right? But that doesn’t matter anymore. He does think it.
“...I’m sorry,” Binghe mumbles for an uncountable time. His lower lip is wobbling. “I took up your whole afternoon just so you could comfort me…”
Shen Yuan shakes his head. “That’s hardly anything to complain about, ah? I’d feel much worse if I couldn’t do that much.”
Binghe curls up a bit. “You shouldn’t need to at all…”
With a sigh, Shen Yuan shuffles forward to press a kiss to Binghe’s nose.
“It’s all right,” he said firmly. “Haven’t I already said many times? It’s good to cry and get feelings out.”
Binghe’s eyes flicker shut. His brow is furrowed so tightly and Shen Yuan brings up a hand to stroke his cheek and temple.
“I…” Binghe finally breathes out, “I’m…going to try. I will. With – whatever she tells me to do.”
Shen Yuan kisses him.
“Please don’t push yourself too hard, okay? You can let me know if it’s tough.” He wants to encourage him to let up on all of his work shifts if it’d help, but that can be for another time. And ideally from somebody less generationally wealthy than Shen Yuan.
Binghe nods, eyes flashing. It really does melt Shen Yuan’s heart in so many ways – how little this precious child will hope for, and how desperately he tries to be worthy of it.
Yes, he has no chance but to sigh and hug him again. “What did I ever do to deserve someone like you, ah?” he wonders aloud.
And that, of course, sets off Binghe’s crying again.
Shen Yuan doesn’t mind at all.