What if Google was a person in another world?

by Creativebobs

Summary:

Google answers the casts questions.

Notes:

Idea came from Reddit user GM900. If Google was a guy is a comedy sketch, if anyone wanted to know

Chapter 1

Google: "What are you standing there for NEXT!"

---

Emilia: "What is love?"

Google: "Well, there's a study about love that-"

Emilia: "How is loving?"

Google: "I think you're trying to ask-"

Emilia: "How do I know I love somebody?"

Google: "Ohhhhhh, you're one of THOSE, huh?"

---

Roswaal: "How to bring people back to life"

Google: "I'm afraid to say that you can't"

Roswaal: "...Best ways to manipulate children"

---

Otto: "Bars near me"

---

Garfiel: "Coolest moments of the captain!"

Google: "Which captain are you-"

Garfiel: "Top 10 badass moments off the captain!"

Google: "Are you referring to Captain Jacksparrow or-"

Garfiel: "The captain fighting the white whale!"

Google: "WHICH CAPTAIN ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT!"

---

Wilhelm: "Is my grandson responsible for my wife's death?"

Google: "No"

---

Heinkel: "Is my son responsible for my mother's death?"

Google: "No!"

---

Reinhard: "Am I responsible for my grandmother's death?"

Google: "For the last time, NO!"

---

Petra: "Is it possible for a child to date an adult?"

Google: "Aw, someone has a crush on someone, huh? Sadly, little miss, it's not legal for a child to marry an adult in most villages in or outside of Lugunica."

Petra: "Is it possible to change the law to make it legal?"

Google: "...This goes beyond a crush, doesn't it?"

---

Emilia: "Why does my heart feel weird when I'm near Subaru?"

Emilia: "Why do I feel weird near Subaru?"

Google: "Well, you're either having a heart attack by just being near him or you're in love with him."

Emilia: "How do I know if I love Subaru?"

Google: "And we're back to this."

---

Otto: "Strongest alcohol in Lugunica"

Google: "Are you sure you want that?"

Otto: "Yes! ABSOLUTELY"

Google nods his head and pulls out a binder from under his desk

Google: "Here's some drinks that can keep you drunk for a week."

Otto: "BUY 1 BARREL"

---

Nobel: "Why humans are superior to demi-humans"

Google: "Well, actually, there are many studies that show that humans are biologically inferior to demi-humans in a variety of-"

Nobel: "Why humans are superior to demi-humans"

Google: "Everything is just entering one ear and exiting the other, huh?" Google sighs and pulls out a sheet of paper. "Here's a link to a reddit thread."

---

Rem: "Pictures of Subaru-kun"

Google: "Well, we do have some results of a 'Natsuki Subaru'"

Rem: "Subaru-kun naked"

Google: "...Why did I even bother thinking that you would be normal? Well, there's some drawing of him though they're a bit inappropriate-"

Rem: "Subaru-kun #@#@@ Rem while @#@#@#%@ In the @#!#!#@!#$ @!#!@#!@ $!@@#!#!@$%@! whispering into Rem's ear @##%#@$!$! while in a bed"

Google: "WHAT THE FUCK-!"

---

Emilia: "Why does Subaru make me feel so happy?"

Google: "You've been asking me stuff like this FOR 4 HOURS"

---

Anastasia: "The development and history of the steam engine"

Google: "You-you're actually asking for useful information? I-I can't believe it I!" Exited he goes to his shelf and pulls out several folders worth of information and hands it to Anastasia who started reading them with great interest "You know I doing this job for so long that i've started to lose faith in people but you you actually asked me something that could revolutionize this world! Help millions of people! You came to me looking for actual useful knowledge, and I just can't help but feel ecstatic. Because of you, I-I think I'm starting to look forward to this job again!"

Anastasia looks up from the documents

Anastasia: "Easiest way to monopolize engines?"

Google: "And there it is. I knew it was too good to be true."

---

Bonus:

Google: "Didn't you already ask me enough questions for today?" Sitting across from Google was the same Silver-haired woman from earlier today. He had thought that she had asked enough questions when she first came here an hour ago but it seems he was wrong because not only a few seconds ago did she come in and take a seat again.

???: "..."

Google: "Are you going to ask questions or are you still thinking about them?"

???: "...Subaru"

Google: "Him again? Well, here are some results from your last search if that's what you want."

???: "He's mine."

Google: "...Do you want me to show you a picture of him?"

???: "He's mine." The room begins to shake. "He's mine notyoursminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemine mineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemine"

Google: "Why is the room shaking?"

???: "mineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemine"

Google: "Security? SECURITY!" 

???: "mineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemineminemine"

Google: "GET ME OUT OF HERE!"

Chapter 2: What if Google was a person in another world? 2

Summary:

Google answers the cast's questions... again

Notes:

Less quality than the first... probably.

Regulus: "Why do my wives keep on violating my right to have a clean house! Don't they understand just how rude it is for their beloved husband to walk into a house filled with dust? Don't they even think for a second about how I feel about that? How would they feel if that happened to them? Of course, they wouldn't know because I so graciously allow them to live with me with the sole expectation that they fulfil their duties as my beloved wives, a duty that rightfully falls on their shoulders, not mine! It is simply incomprehensible to me that they would continue to violate my rights in such a manner without a second thought!

Google: "...I'm sorry, I don't understand your question. Could you speak just a tiny bit less?"

Regulus: "YOU DARE VIOLATE MY RIGHT TOO-

---

Frederica: "Romance novels"

Google: "Here's a list of romance novels, and if I can make a recommendation, I suggest you read Lily Graham's 'Christmas of Hope Cottage', it's a very good book with great characters."

Frederica looks at the folder for a second before putting it away

Frederica: "Could you give me something a bit... more?"

Google sighs and gives her a smaller folder labeled 'Erotica'. "I hope you don't regret this."

Frederica: "Why would I... W-What is this!"

---

Subaru: "How many people have survived being mauled by wolgrams?"

Google: "I'm not sure why you would want to know that, but here you go." Subaru takes the paper and looks at it

Subaru: "..."

Google: "So are you done or-?"

Subaru: "How many people have survived having their skull caved in?"

Google: "Clearly not!"

---

Garfiel: "The Captain fighting the archbishop of sloth!"

Google: "How many times do I have to tell you SPECIFY WHAT CAPTAIN YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT!"

---

Capella: "Body-morph hentai"

Google: "I'm afraid I can't show you that."

Capella: "Wha- WHY THE HELL CAN'T YOU SHOW ME MEATBAG"

Google: "Your parent or guardian has a parental lock in place that is stopping you from accessing explicit content."

Capella: "WHO IS THE IDIOTIC MEATBAG WHO'S TRYING TO PREVENT ME FROM SEEING WHAT I WANT!?"

Google: "A woman named Pandora apparently"

Capella: "...This lovely lady would like to apologize for her outburst and would appreciate it if you could forget about this entire interaction."

Google: "Got it."

---

Subaru: "How many people have survived getting eaten by the great rabbit?"

Google: "None because nobody can survive being eaten by a horde of damn rabbits! It has been over 10 minutes, can you ask me ANYTHING ELSE?"

Subaru: "How to stop waking up at night screaming"

Google takes a moment to respond before going under his desk and pulling out a stack of papers. "Here are some therapists you can go to for cheap."

---

Otto: "H-how to get over a week-old hangover"

Google: "You regretting drinking all that alcohol?"

Otto: "Od damnit YES!"

Google: "You're still going to get more after this, right?"

Otto: "...... I need a break."

Google: "Same here"

---

Puck: "Good parenting tips."

Google: "Well, here's a document talking about letting your children face their trauma and letting them live their own lives."

Puck: "Good parenting tips that include anything except for what you just said."

Google: "Do you want good parenting tips or not!?"

---

Frederica: "How to get a parental lock on my brother's phone?"

---

Elsa: "Best ways to cut open the stomach"

Google: "I'm not sure why you want that, but here..."

Elsa looks at the document closely before looking at Google with her eyes shining.

Elsa: "Slums near me"

Google: "What are you planning on doing?!"

Elsa: "Slums near me"

Google: "WHAT ARE YOU PLANNING ON DOING?!"

---

Puck: "Is it good to want to protect your child from anything?"

Google: "Well, it's good to want to keep your kid safe, but-"

Puck: "Great, so destroying the world if they die is natural."

Google: "That is not what I said, you PSYCHOPATH!"

---

Bonus:

Pandora: "...................."

Google: "....."

Pandora: "....................................."

Google: ".................."

Pandora smiles earily "Recipes for appa pies"

Google: "Here you go, miss." Google hands the document to Pandora, who walks away. He sighs.

Google: "Thank goodness there are still some normal people left in this world."

Notes:

DISCLAIMER: I have never read Lily Graham's 'Christmas of Hope Cottage'

Notes:

Hope the jokes land.