With you

by itziar

Summary:

Alayna Carlisle is the daughter of an influential aristocrat within Wall Sina. After three years under Commander Pixis’ orders, she is transferred to the Scouts by her father’s command. With no experience fighting Titans and her noble bloodline restricting her freedom, she must complete training before ever stepping outside the walls. To prepare her, Commander Erwin Smith places her in Captain Levi’s elite squad.

Haunted by a dark past she’s fought to conceal, Alayna lives in the shadows, unseen and unforgettable only by choice. Yet she refuses to be defined by her pain and fights to reclaim her freedom.

As Alayna and Erwin grow closer, unspoken feelings begin to stir, complicating their already perilous world. But with Captain Levi’s sharp eyes watching her every move, a new tension arises -one that threatens to shift everything Alayna thought she knew about trust, loyalty, and love.

In a world where trust is fragile and every choice carries weight, Alayna must navigate the delicate balance between duty and desire. Drawn to two very different men -each marked by their own battles- and forced to choose what she’s willing to risk for a chance at happiness.

Notes:

Hello! Thank you for opening this story! I want to share some thoughts with you before you start.

There will be spoilers for Attack on Titan. So, if you have never seen the anime, I 100% recommend you to watch it. Read at your own risk.

Expect mature themes, violence, and explicit scenes. If you have seen the anime, you might be used to it. But still, this is a mature book. I'll leave warnings before specific chapters just in case.

I will try to be as consistent in writing this story as I can. Expect a chapter per day or so. I initially thought about writing the whole story first and publishing it after, as I did with a Maze Runner fanfic I wrote years ago. But, given the story is taking its path, I would like to know your thoughts as I write it.

That brings me to my second thought. Levi Ackerman is the main love interest and will remain the person Alayna ends up with (because I love him). BUT, other important relationships in her life are explored carefully.

I'm obliged to say English is not my first language; Spanish is. So have patience with me. I try my best, I swear. I read and re-read each chapter before publishing, but there could always be mistakes.

I've named the female main character Alayna. Mostly because it's more natural for me to write than Y/n, but there's always room for changing that, I really don't mind. I try to give her as few physical descriptions as I can so everyone can relate. But she does have a specific characteristic, and it's her height. She is the same height as Captain Levi, like I am. I just couldn't resist.

I love writing, and fanfiction is the easiest way for me to practice, given that I don't really have to think about the worldbuilding, and I can focus on other story matters.

Finally, you are welcome to leave comments and likes and thoughts, and whatever you want to share about the story, but do it with respect, please. I love reading what you think, and I, of course, accept constructive criticism. But there is no point in being rude. If you don't like my story, you can go read another!

Anyway, I hope you enjoy this!

This story is also available on Wattpad

Chapter 1: Levi

A year before Trost. Scouts base.

Levi knocked once on Erwin's door. The Commander's voice travelled through the wood as he said, 'Come in. '

The familiarity of Erwin's office welcomed Levi. He came up here often for official matters or to have a cup of tea every once in a while. He closed the door behind him, taking in the stacks of papers all around Erwin's desk and the commander's little smile as he looked up at Levi.

Erwin smiled in little occasions. Still, he did it more than Levi. The commander usually greeted Hange and him with that same little smile, so by now, he was used to it. It had taken him a while, after Isabel and Farlan, to get used to other people being that friendly with him. But he had always found Erwin's personality easy. Even though his mind was a mystery most of the time.

Levi sat in one of the chairs in front of the Commander's table. A brown haired girl from the latest group of cadets had come looking for him while he was going over formation plans for the next expedition with his team.

'Commander Erwin wants to see you in his office, Captain Levi, ' had said the girl.

'Is it urgent?' Levi had answered, annoyed about being interrupted.

'He said the sooner the better, Captain'

And so Levi had sighed and followed the girl here, even though he could have made the journey with his eyes closed.

Erwin's smile didn't disappear. It's not something serious, then, Levi thought.

'Thank you for getting here so fast, Levi. I know you and your team are busy with preparations for the next expedition. It will be a minute, we are waiting for someone. But, in the meantime, I'll explain why I called you'

Erwin looked at him for a second, like he was debating what he was going to say. Or how he was going to say it. Levi raised an eyebrow.

'I need you to add someone to your team. A girl. Daughter of an aristocrat who has graced us with some needed funds. In exchange, he wants his daughter to aim higher in the military. She was in the Stationary Corps with Commander Pixis. She doesn't have much combat experience, and, obviously, has never come across a titan, but she'll help you with what you need inside the walls.'

Levi's brow hadn't come down. In fact, his other brow came up, as a surprised expression formed in his face.

'So, you're asking me to take in a girl who will not be going on the expeditions? Why bother in placing her in a team, then?'

'Well, at least for a while, I prefer not having to worry about her, but I plan on including her in the future. Just keep an eye on her, let her see how we do things here, learn, ... Until the time is right'

Ever since Levi had known Erwin, he had always been enigmatic. You never knew what plans were developing in the commander's head. That's why, even though Levi was estranged from Erwin's words, he still trusted him. But if training was all the girl needed...

'Wouldn't she be better placed with Hange? If she hasn't had any contact with titans, Hange can update her on all the research she has done so far'

It was true Hange would be a better match for this mission, but if Levi suggested this, it was because he didn't want to take in a... was there even a word? Cadet? New soldier? Someone who would cause him more trouble, for sure. What use could he do with someone who wouldn't help in battle? Someone who wouldn't even be there? Levi resisted the urge to grunt, given all the questions that were forming inside his mind.

'I had thought of it, ' said Erwin now, 'But Hange can be a bit... intense, at times. I trust that your team will be a better option for Alayna to be ready as soon as possible. Just...', the commander sighed, 'we need the funds. You know how hard the Military Police are trying to get us dissolved'

That was true. With the pressure the MPs were putting on the government to bring the Scouts to their knees, their funds for explorations were getting smaller, so it was a blessing that nothing less than an aristocrat had decided to give them money. Even if that meant having a spoiled child in his team.

'Fine. I'll take her'

Erwin didn't have time to sigh, relieved, when someone knocked.

'Come in, ' said Erwin.

Levi didn't turn when the door opened, and because of that, for the first time -or maybe for the first time in a while- saw the biggest smile he had ever seen on Erwin's face since he knew him.

'Sorry, I'm late, Erwin. That old man Pixis wouldn't let me go, and I didn't have time to go fetch my uniform and change'

Two things struck Levi as strange about those words. Three, in fact. The first one was how young the voice was. She couldn't be older than Petra. Younger, maybe? The second was the familiarity in which the girl, Alayna, Erwin had called her before, addressed the Commander. And the third was the way she had referred to Commander Pixis.

Erwin's smile hadn't faltered, but it was a bit smaller now, like his enthusiasm had relaxed a bit inside of him.

Levi turned then. Getting closer to them was a young girl, almost in her mid-twenties, with her hair tied up in a ponytail and the Stationary troop's uniform. She didn't look very tall, perhaps his height. There was warmth in her eyes while she was looking at Erwin, the smile still on her face. So, they know each other, Levi thought. But, from where? If Levi hadn't seen the look on Erwin's face, he wouldn't have considered that there was a previous acquaintance between the two. He decided he'd ask Erwin later.

'Don't worry, ' said Erwin now, 'actually, I used the time to inform Levi of your transfer to the Scouts. He has accepted to have you into his team' Erwin made a solemn face then, 'Remember that you will be a part of one of the elite teams in the Scouts. Even though you won't be going on the expeditions for now, I hope you fulfil your duty as any other soldier would'

The girl, who hadn't taken a seat yet, got serious as well, and, as soon as Erwin finished speaking, she made the military salute and went 'Yes, Commander!'

Erwin looked at Levi then, pleased.

'Captain Levi, I present to you your new subordinate, Alayna Carlisle'

'I'm pleased to meet you, Captain'

Levi just nodded.

'Well, Levi, it's best if you introduce her to the team. I have work to do. Good luck both,' Erwin said, dismissing them.

Levi got up and headed for the door, but caught Alayna winking her eye to Erwin before she opened the door for Levi, solemnly saying 'Captain' as he passed. Levi just sighed.

They walked together through the hallways for a while, until Levi realised she was still wearing the wrong uniform.

'So, ' he started, 'I gather you have been given your new uniform?'

'Yes!' she replied, way too quickly. 'I have it in my room, Captain'

'Good. Go change and meet me downstairs'

While Levi took the stairs heading down, he began having a weird feeling inside of him. If Erwin knew this girl, why hadn't he told him? The familiarity he had seen in that office wasn't one people shared if they had met each other a week ago. There was something that Erwin had not told him. Or perhaps it was the girl. Why would an aristocrat want his daughter to be in the least liked military force the city inside the walls had? Why not send her to the Military Police instead? Was he mad? Was he lying? Or was the girl the liar? Levi began pacing when he reached the bottom of the stairs, more questions coming to his mind. Why would her father request Erwin to let her get into the Scouts, only for her not to go outside? Was he even fine with that? But if Levi was noticing all these things, surely Erwin had too. What was he playing at?

Steps sounded then, interrupting Levi's thoughts, and, coming down the stairs, appeared Alayna, now with the scouts' full uniform.

Much better, Levi thought.

Without saying a word, the captain turned around and started walking outside, with Alayna a few feet behind, but still close. Oluo, Petra, Eld and Gunther were gathered around a big tree, talking. Well, it looked more as if Oluo and Petra were arguing, and Eld and Gunther were deciding when to intervene before Petra hit her squad mate. Levi suppressed a smile at the sight. All of them turned as they saw him approach and stood a little straighter -Petra and Oluo breaking the argument.

Levi stopped before them and half turned, so he was facing his team and Alayna at the same time.

'This is Alayna Carlisle. She will be part of our team for a while, but won't go outside the walls yet. Erwin's orders'

Petra was the first who approached Carlisle with one of her warm smiles. Levi observed the newbie. She had a confident stance, but her eyes showed uncertainty. For a second, Levi thought she was looking at Petra like someone would look at a threat, analysing her, looking for Petra's weak spots. But it was just for a second, before a little smile lighted up her features.

'Hi! I'm Petra. These are Oluo, Gunther and Eld. Welcome to the team!'

Alayna looked at them as Petra introduced them. She waved a little before introducing herself.

'Nice to meet you all. I'm Alayna Carlisle'

'Wait a second, Carlisle, as in, the Carlisle family from Wall Sina?', said Gunther.

Levi studied Carlisle's reaction then. Her smile didn't falter, nor did it get bigger. Levi had met aristocrats' sons before inside the military. They used to move with this arrogance and superiority, and their chests seemed to fill with air, trying to look important whenever people said their name. But Carlisle just took it like a fact. Yes, she was from the Carlisle family. Yes, the rich family. Yes, she was of noble blood. And so what? She seemed to be saying. She didn't look proud or ashamed, and that was a point in her favour to Levi.

'Yes. Julian Carlisle is my father'

'So that's why you can't go outside? 'Cause daddy won't let you bruise your knee, eh?', said Oluo, stepping in front of Petra, and looking at the new girl with judging eyes.

Perhaps Carlisle had gained a bit of respect from Levi, but he knew his team very well -he had selected them himself- and he knew they would test her to the limit. But instead of getting angry, she smiled bigger.

'Oh, no. Actually, it was Commander Erwin and Pixis' decision, given that I don't have real-life experience with titans. That's why Commander Erwin placed me in this team, to learn and be ready as soon as possible'

That was enough for now to calm Oluo down. He was still looking at her suspiciously, but she had done a good move, mentioning both commanders in the same sentence. Levi noticed how this time Carlisle had talked about Erwin as Commander Erwin, and not just Erwin, like she had done in his office. He had to ask Erwin later.

'Oh, come on, Oluo! Give the girl a chance!'

'So, ' Eld's deep voice cut in, 'I gather you have military experience?'

'Yes, I have been three years in the Stationary troops'

Eld smiled.

'Well then, it's not a white sheet of paper we have to work on. I'm sure you'll be ready in no time'

'Okay, enough chat. Show her around and then meet me in my office to go over the plans for tomorrow again. Carlisle, that includes you. Even though you are not coming, it will be useful for you to get to know our formation'

'Yes, Captain!', they all chanted.

Levi turned and headed for his office. He needed a cup of tea. Now.

Chapter 2: Alayna

'This is just the base we have in the city, but we have a beautiful castle in the woods that no one uses. Perhaps we'll go there someday for you to train' Petra was saying.

They were a peculiar team, Levi's squad. As well as the captain himself. Of course, I already knew the captain. Not that I had ever talked with him, but I had seen him with Erwin in official meetings, or whenever military matters took them to Pixis' office. I had never seen him up close, though.

He had dark hair, almost black, and a pair of steely blue eyes that -I was pretty sure- could kill with one look. He had a strong complexion and long, elegant fingers, which surprised me, given his deadly reputation. His mouth formed a firm line when our eyes had met, and I knew he was studying me, because I was studying him too. Though I was much more subtle. I had experience, after all.

The plan was to meet Erwin before the Captain arrived, but Pixis had offered me something to drink, and time had flown.

I had thought that the Scouts and Stationary troops' base would be exactly the same, but they were, in fact, not. So I tried to memorise every hallway, door and important room as Petra and the rest gave me the tour. Mostly, it was Petra who spoke, with little interruptions from Oluo, whom she tried to shut up. But the man had shut up himself when, while he was stepping in front of us to let a cadet pass, he bit his tongue mid-sentence.

'Is he okay?' I had asked, genuinely worried, given the blood coating his front teeth.

'Yeah, it usually happens to him. Even while horse riding. Very disgusting', Eld had said.

Peculiar, they were.

'It's so good to have someone new on the team! I bet it will take no time for you to learn how to kill titans. Or at least, paper-made ones. Captain Levi is very demanding both in training and in our daily chores, but I assure you, there's no better captain. You'll learn faster than anyone. He's the best, after all'

'Daily chores?' I asked.

'Captain's obsessed with cleaning. I bet he is already rearranging the cleaning for this week to add you up' said Eld.

Surprise must've shown in my face, because his rich laugh rattled through my bones at my side.

'Yeah, we get that reaction a lot from the cadets. You wouldn't imagine, right?'

'No, it makes a lot of sense'

And it did. I knew Erwin was a tidy man, as well as Pixis, and so it didn't strike me as strange that a man as serious as Captain Levi would want his things cleaned.

'Ou dink dhat ow, bu wai un-il you dee how deep his obdedion is', said Oluo, a pained expression across his face while he tried to talk with his injured tongue.

'Don't talk you silly! Go to the infirmary or something!' Petra admonished him.

Oluo gave her a withering look, but did what the girl said, and headed to the infirmary's way. At least I remember the infirmary being that way. Getting to know how to move inside this place was going to take long.

'We should get going to meet the captain. Better get this formation thing over with' said Eld.

'What about Oluo?', asked Petra.

'Levi's used to this. Besides, I bet he will be thankful for not having to be afraid Oluo might stain his polished floor'

That last voice was Gunther's, who had not spoken in the entire tour. He had a soft voice, low like Eld's. I turned to him. He was looking in the direction Oluo had disappeared with an expression that said 'Always with the same shit'. Petra sighed, too. But then she turned to me and smiled, like Oluo's accidents didn't matter.

'Off we go, then!'

We went back to the office's hallway, where I had been just an hour and a half ago. I was used to this hallway. I had sneaked in a lot of times, visiting Erwin. I used to come at night. I accessed it from the window at the end of it. But Petra and the rest stopped a few doors before Erwin's, and knocked. We were forming a line, and I was at the end of it, so Levi's voice reached me faintly. Petra opened the door and we came in.

Levi's office was different from Erwin's. Not just because it was aesthetically different -the desk and chairs placement, the little sofa, the bookcases- but because it shone. Perhaps Eld wasn't kidding, and Levi did have an obsession with cleaning.

The captain was sitting behind his desk, a cup of tea in between his long fingers. He grabbed it with the grace of royalty as he assessed us while we came in. Petra and Eld sat in the two chairs in front of him, while Gunther and I remained standing up. Levi looked at each one, sighing when he unmistakably noticed a missing Oluo. But he didn't ask.

Levi finished his tea and opened the formation maps. In a rushed and bored tone, the one you used when you had explained something so many times that you knew it by heart, he told me that this formation was Erwin's idea for the expeditions outside the walls. It usually changed, given the high number of casualties the Scouts had, but it had made improvements as the years had gone by and as the formation had been improving.

I tried to gather as much information as I could. I wanted so badly to go outside the walls. But Erwin had made me promise I would wait until he knew I was ready to fight for my life outside. I was more than prepared to fight inside; some people had made sure of that. But killing titans, it was another thing entirely, Erwin had said. I needed to get better than I was. And the way towards that was me. But Levi's team, the elite team of the Scouts, seemed like a good option for it, too.

It turned out that when Levi had said we were going to go over the formation strategy, he didn't mean once. When dinner came, my head was close to exploding. My teammates looked the same.

Tomorrow's expedition didn't look as complicated as I thought. It was a pre-expedition -if something like that existed-, for a longer one they were going to do in a month, if everything went good.

As we were walking towards the mess hall, I noticed Eld and Oluo -who had made it in the end but hadn't talked much- heading towards the dormitory wing. Petra appeared at my side, a kind smile on her face as she noticed my confusion.

'Dinner is kind of informal. We all usually change into something more comfortable than the uniform, but some people don't. It's up to you, we can meet there if you'd like'

Looking at Petra and hearing her kind words, for a second, brought back the face of someone else. Before the pain spread inside my chest, I nodded, and, side by side, we headed to our respective rooms.

'I'll wait for you outside, and we can go together. That way, I can introduce you to the rest' she had promised before closing the door behind her.

My room was small and had the basics, much like my old one. But I loved it as much as I had loved the other one. It gave me a feeling of safety, warmth. It was a bit like moving and getting to your new home, and you just know this is yours. I sometimes didn't make sense. Even more so after what happened.

I hadn't had time to unpack, so I prayed there was something that didn't need ironing. I grabbed a shirt and a skirt -that looked decent enough-, my trustworthy pair of boots and took my uniform off.

Someone knocked when I was finishing putting my right boot on.

'Almost done!' I shouted.

Shit, I had taken too long. I hoped Petra wasn't annoyed. I finished with my left boot and jogged to the door, an apology ready at the tip of my tongue just in case. But when I opened the door, it wasn't Petra who stood on the other side.

It was Captain Levi.

Chapter 3: Levi

Levi hadn't had the time to sneak into Erwin's office and ask him about Carlisle. So, he decided, until then, he would keep an eye on her. That's why, when he had crossed Oluo, Eld and Gunther on their way to the mess hall, he had asked them if they knew where the girl had headed. Petra was coming out of -what Levi guessed was- her room. She was closing the door when she noticed him, a surprised look in her eyes.

'Captain!' she had said. Surely because he had never been in the woman's wing. He hadn't had a reason until now.

'I'm looking for Car- Alayna, ' he corrected himself. 'Do you know which room is hers?'

Petra nodded and pointed to the door next to hers.

'I was going to wait for her, Captain'

'That won't be necessary, I'll be escorting her to the mess hall, ' Levi said.

Estranged, Petra looked at Carlisle's door and then back at him, but she said nothing more and disappeared down the stairs, the click of her shoes vanishing in the distance.

He waited for a couple of minutes before knocking. Seconds later, the door opened, and a surprised Carlisle welcomed him. It took her a second to compose herself before speaking.

'Captain, is there a problem?'

She had changed her clothes, like everyone. She now wore a simple shirt and a long blue skirt.

A problem? Not yet, no. He shook his head.

'I'm here to escort you to the mess hall'

Slowly, Carlisle closed the door, her eyes not leaving him. Once the click of the door sounded, the silence of the hallway engulfed them, and Levi realised they were too close. So much so that he noticed the slight curling of one of the hairs that had loosened from her ponytail. He turned abruptly and started walking. Carlisle caught up with him, her skirt flowing.

'But, captain, Petra said she would wait for me, I can't-'

'Petra is already downstairs. I informed her that I would be the one accompanying you'

Levi heard her murmur an 'oh'. Given no one was in the hallways, he decided to do some research of his own.

'So, ' he started, 'you seemed to know Erwin from before'

It wasn't a question, because it wasn't needed. It was a fact. Levi was intrigued about what her reaction would be.

A beat passed, and finally, she decided to speak.

'Erwin and my father have known each other for a while now. My father is an enthusiast of the Scouts. He wanted to be one himself, before his illness'

Who on their right mind would be an enthusiast of the Scouts? Could that be all there was to this? Still, Levi couldn't shut the voice in his head that told him the girl hid something. Replaying her words in his head, something caught his attention.

'His illness?'

'Yes. He can't do any great physical efforts. The doctors haven't been able to do anything for him; it seems to be chronic. They detected it a year before he had planned to get into the training corps'

'So you are, what? Fulfilling his dream?'

Levi had sounded harsh, emotionless. He regretted it as soon as the words came out of his mouth. He, better than anyone on the Scouts, knew what it was to have an ill relative. And to have no one at all.

'Well, yes and no. You could say it was his influence, making his dream mine. We share it. It's nice to have someone to share your enthusiasm with'

Levi looked at her. Her expression wasn't pained, but there was sadness in her words, like she had known loss.

'What about your mother?' he asked.

'My mother is a teacher. She teaches the little kids at Wall Sina. She loves children'

Levi forced himself to stop the images of his mother that surfaced in his mind. The past tried to catch him very often. Instead, he focused on the sound that was getting louder with each step they took. They were approaching the mess hall.

Levi looked at Carlisle. She had a curious look on her face, all thoughts of her family forgotten, it seemed. Years ago, back when he lost Isabel and Farlan, he had made a choice: trusting Erwin Smith.

Even though Levi didn't trust Alayna Carlisle, he trusted Erwin. What if Erwin had put her under Levi's command to keep her watched? Was Erwin planning something against Mr Carlisle? Whatever it was, it seemed Erwin knew more than he let on. Which was Erwin's way of doing things.

Very well, Erwin.

As soon as they stepped inside the mess hall, people started noticing them. Levi saw some of them whisper and looked over at Carlisle. She wore a peaceful expression on her face, but Levi could notice her body tensing. Petra, a few tables over, raised her hand in greeting, and they headed there.

But, when they were so close that Levi could hear Eld and Gunther talk about something relating to ODM manoeuvres, a figure intercepted them. Three figures, really. Levi looked up, annoyance starting to form inside his chest.

Hange and Mike positioned themselves at each of Carlisle's sides, while Moblitz stayed a bit behind. Hange's eyes sparkled as they always did when new cadets arrived. She loved giving them long talks about her investigations in hopes of finding someone as enthusiastic as she was. Mike, on the other side, was beginning his ritual of... identifying people. Or perhaps judging them. No one knew what went inside his head or why he did it.

'Hello!' said Hange, almost like she was singing it, 'You must be the new girl Erwin has assigned to Levi's squad!'

Carlisle's smile was instant. She was side-eyeing Mike, though.

'Hi, yes. I'm Alayna Carlisle. And you must be Hange Zoe! Erwin speaks a lot about you'

Levi rolled his eyes. Hange looked like she was going to explode with happiness.

'I had a feeling about you! Petra said you'll be needing titan training. Well, if you are interested, I had the opportunity of experimenting with a few of them weeks ago, and perhaps we could talk-'

'Hey, four eyes. Let my subordinate breathe'

Hange looked over at him, none of her enthusiasm diminished.

'Don't listen to him, ' Hange said to Carlisle. 'He doesn't understand us'

'You know I'm her captain, right?'

But Hange seemed not to care or even not to listen to him. Mike finished his... thing, and nodded, satisfied. Carlisle let out a chuckle.

'It's okay, Captain. I would love to hear everything Hange has to tell me'

'This is amazing!' Hange started jumping. 'Alayna, let me know when you have a free afternoon. We are going to have so much fun!'

Moblitz, with an apologetic smile, gently pushed Hange by the shoulders, guiding her to their table. Finally, Levi and Carlisle got to their respective seats. Eld and Gunther had moved on from manoeuvres and were now talking about the expedition, while Petra and Oluo were updating Carlisle on everyone in the Scouts, while shamelessly pointing at them. Levi stayed silent while he listened to them talk. He enjoyed their company, their voices. It anchored him to the present, to remind himself he wasn't alone. Even if the possibility of losing them the day after was still there, lingering in his mind.

Dinner finished early, and everyone headed for their beds. They'll have to rise early tomorrow. Levi decided it wouldn't have made sense if he had escorted Carlisle back to her room, given that Petra was doing that job anyway. Plus, it would've seemed strange. He didn't want the girl to suspect he was watching her.

The silence of his room welcomed him.

Levi slept like it was an order that had to be executed. It was like his mind was trained to obey whenever he wanted to sleep. He had learned to do that the night after his first expedition.

He got ready for bed, but before falling asleep, he wanted to revise some documents that Erwin had asked for. Inconveniently, those documents weren't on his desk.

Dammit. He must've let them in his office. With a groan, he put on his shoes, opened the door and stepped into the hallway.

The floor cracked as he walked, not allowing him to be as silent as he intended. The hallways were well illuminated by lit candles, so, at least, he knew where he was going.

Finally, he made it to the correct floor. He saw someone moving ahead of him. Levi was going to ask who it was when he noticed it was Erwin's door that someone was in front of. An almost soundless knock and, a few beats later, the figure, with a flowy blue skirt, got inside the room.

Interesting, he thought.

Chapter 4: Alayna

I closed Erwin's door behind me, relieved he hadn't gone to sleep. As soon as I stepped inside, Erwin looked up from his work, got up, headed to one of the armchairs and sat there. Without saying a word, I sat in the one in front of him, let my head rest back and stretched out my legs like a cat. Erwin chuckled.

'Tough day?'

I nodded.

'Yeah, it happens'

A beat passed. Erwin stretched his legs too, so long that he touched my feet with his, intertwining our legs. Finally, I spoke my thoughts out loud.

'Captain Levi suspects something'

I looked at Erwin then. A knowing smile grazed his lips.

'It would've been weird if he hadn't. It's difficult to hide him anything. Do you want me to talk to him?'

'No. It's fine. Perhaps he'll forget it with time'

Though it was improbable. Erwin just nodded. He closed his eyes and leaned back the same way I did. It had always marvelled me, Erwin's face. When he was like this, eyes closed, peaceful, like he was sleeping, he looked like a statue. Beautiful. Unyielding. Commanding.

'He asked about my parents, ' I whispered. But he heard. He always listened. Even when I wasn't talking. He cracked one eye open.

'What did you tell him?'

'What we agreed on'

And it hadn't been a lie. Mr Carlisle was ill and couldn't get up from his bed most days. Any social event usually left him exhausted. And Mrs Carlisle was a kind teacher in Wall Sina. That part was true. As true as it was that I had their surname. But that all those things were true didn't mean it was my truth.

Erwin nodded. I sighed.

'I still have my doubts about this. Maybe we should've waited longer for you to get into the Scouts. The Military Police is set to make us fall, you'll probably be noticed. I don't think I can keep you safe' he looked at me, worried.

Those same doubts plagued me this morning, as I was leaving my room at the Stationary Troops' base. I had lived there for three years. Blending in with Pixis' soldiers was easy. Even for someone who wasn't as trained as I was. They weren't recognisable and they weren't elite. They were the soldiers you passed without noticing while running errands in the street; the soldiers who had a drink in the tavern, or the soldiers who intervened if there was conflict between citizens. They weren't special. They were unnoticeable. Undistinguishable. Perfect for staying undercover. Coming here was... starting all over in more ways than one. Erwin was right, it was dangerous for me to be in the Scouts. But he needed me.

'I will be fine, don't worry. I know how to stay hidden'

'Perhaps Levi was right and you'd be better in Hange's squad or Mike's. Levi gets the attention everywhere he goes'

'Hey, ' I said. He looked at me, a hand over his face, frustrated. 'Levi is the best option. Pixis thinks it too. Even if they recognised me, which they won't- they won't mess with me if I'm with him'

I gave him a look that said 'Stop worrying'. He raised his hands in a defeated stance.

'Sorry. When it comes to you, I worry excessively. I know'

'It's fine. It feels nice'

And it did. I lost everything. And for a while, I thought I wouldn't have anyone else. But then Erwin, without saying a word, just by... existing, beside me, made me realise perhaps I still had someone. He couldn't give my old life back, but he gave me something better. He gave me a new one, a fresh start. He couldn't hunt my demons and free me from them, but it didn't matter. It was enough.

He looked tired. We were both tired, so I got up, ready to leave. He walked me to the door.

'It's weird, ' he said, suddenly, a hand on the handle.

'What is?'

'Having you here'

'I'm here all the time. I'm offended you didn't notice'

'I meant in the Scouts. And walking through the door instead of the window' he deadpanned.

'But where's the emotion of getting caught if we do it the right way, my love?' I purred, making my best impression of flirting.

He shook his head, a little smile now on his lips.

'You're incorrigible'

Finally, he opened the door, and the cool air played with my skirt. I thought I saw a shadow at the end of the hallway, but perhaps it had been my imagination, because when I turned my head fully, there was nothing there. Even though this part of the base was usually deserted at this time, I had to be quick, or else someone could see me. And it would be difficult to explain why a new soldier was visiting her Commander at this hour of the night. I turned to him.

'Be careful tomorrow, ' I whispered. He was leaning against the doorframe, arms crossed.

'Who's worrying now?'

He gave me a reassuring smile and a nod. He would be careful. He always was and I knew it. But I also knew his soldiers were a priority to him. And that was what scared me.

'You promise?', I said. I knew it was childish and unfair of me to do that. Erwin always kept his word. And if he promised... It wasn't fair to ask him not to risk his life for his soldiers just to have him come back to me. But he and Pixis were all I had left.

It didn't matter how many friends I had made at the Stationary Troops, or how many I made at the Scouts. Alayna Carlisle was half the time the real Alayna. There was another one, broken, sad, afraid of not being accepted -afraid of being despised for what she did in the past. Afraid but willing to be judged, condemned for what she did.

But Pixis and Erwin knew my past and accepted me nevertheless. They were the reminder of who I was and where I was going. They were more to me than just my commanders. I wasn't worried about Pixis, because he mostly did bureaucratic work, given that no titans crossed the walls. Except for what happened four years ago. But Erwin... Erwin had always felt like coming home after a long day, like safety and warmth. After I started recovering -not the physical type-, I had thought that maybe someone had put Erwin Smith in my path just to apologise for all the suffering I had endured.

So yes, I allowed myself to ask for his promise. Even if it was childish. Even if it was a short expedition. Even if it was unfair. Because he understood.

And because he understood, he just nodded and wrapped his arms around me, letting my head rest against his chest, his scent -the breeze against your face, the warmth the sun gave and the thrill of battle- enveloped me. In a whisper, like he was telling me a secret, he said, 'Yes'. And then, slowly, he released me.

'Now go to bed. I don't like my soldiers sleepy'

I started down the hallway. When I was almost at the bottom of the stairs, I heard a door close. I smiled.

Chapter 5: Erwin

Notes:

This chapter has descriptions of violence.

Six years ago. Stationary troops’ base.

‘I’ve heard the Government is not very happy with your naming as Commander, Erwin, ’ said Pixis as a greeting when Erwin stepped inside his office.

‘Probably because I asked for more funds for a single expedition than Shadis ever did for a year, ’ answered the new commander of the Scouts as he closed the door.

His naming had come as a surprise because Erwin had thought Shadis would wait for a couple more years before retiring. The responsibility had fallen upon him like a rock, and he carried it everywhere. He had the support of the entirety of the Scouts, and he was more than willing to change things around there, but he already felt the guilt for the ones that would fall to the Titans.

That morning, when he had been at the meeting in the throne room, it had been clear as day by the nobles and aristocrats’ faces that they weren’t happy with his petition for more funds. But they had agreed. Because, after the great number of losses they had in the last expedition Shadis had commanded, the citizens were very much not pleased. That would’ve probably gotten the Scouts into trouble, but thanks to Erwin’s naming and the news spreading about his will to make important changes, the people had calmed down. So, the government didn’t dare, for now, to dissolve the Scouts. Erwin, though, could sense that they didn’t like his approach. But one didn’t make progress by attaching to the safe path.

He sat in one of the chairs in front of Pixis’ desk. An invitation for a “night tea” had arrived that afternoon from a soldier from the Stationary Troops. Erwin had been surprised when he had seen Pixis’ signature at the bottom of the note. It wasn’t strange for Commanders to meet outside official matters, but it seemed it was best to keep this one a secret. So, when night had fallen, Erwin had taken a late stroll to clear his mind. At least that was what he had said to Mike when they had crossed paths in the hallway.

Erwin had talked with Pixis previously, but certainly not as Commander. Pixis was a man who liked to tell bad jokes and seemed not to have a worry in his life. But in reality, he was dead serious about his job and his soldiers. And Erwin respected that. Perhaps, if it had been someone of the MPs offering him tea, he wouldn’t have dignified that invitation with an answer rejecting the offer. But Pixis was an important ally to have around.

‘Those bastards. Trying to make more money and clinging to their lands, while those children give their lives for us all' Pixis said, and Erwin could’ve sworn that venom spat from his mouth.

Erwin was opening his mouth to answer when the window on Pixis’ right side exploded, and a body rolled through the wooden floor, stopping a few steps from the chair where Erwin was sitting.

‘What the-’ Pixis mumbled.

Both commanders got up from their seats. None of them had any weapons upon them, but whoever it was wasn’t moving.

Though Erwin thought it had to be someone from the military, because he could see an ODM gear attached to them. Probably a cadet? But that was improbable. Now that Shadis was in charge of training, Erwin thought it impossible that he’d allowed this level of incompetence. Besides, what was a cadet doing in Trost in the middle of the night? No, it had to be something else.

The person was face down, long hair sticking to their neck and hiding their face. A pained sound came from the body, followed by a cough. Slowly, the figure rose to its knees. Finally, Erwin noticed it was a girl. Given the poor lighting the room had, Erwin grabbed a nearby candle and kneeled next to her. He felt Pixis right behind him. Both commanders observed as she tried to stand up, helping herself with her hands, but it seemed her right arm couldn’t stand the weight, and she fell face-first on the wooden floor with a cry, her left hand covering her right shoulder. Erwin noticed the blood on her hand.

He looked back at Pixis, and the commander nodded.

‘Who are you?’

Erwin’s voice had startled the girl because she turned her head suddenly, eyes wide with fear. Erwin heard Pixis swear. That girl… what hell had she come out of? One of her eyes was black and swollen, like someone had punched her. She had a bruised jaw and dried blood on her nose -but at least it didn’t look broken. A tear of blood streamed down her left side from a cut above her brow.

The girl was studying them. She looked like she was trying to focus on something. Her whole body was shaking, but either she wasn’t aware or she didn’t mind. Erwin decided to try again.

‘I’m Erwin Smith of the Scouts. And this is Commander Pixis, from the Stationary Troops. Can I know your name?’, he used a softer voice this time.

As soon as the words were out of his mouth, the girl sobbed, tears ready in her eyes. She breathed in and looked as if she was going to say something, but coughed. The hand she had brought to her face had blood.

‘Pixis, do you have some water in here?’ asked Erwin.

The commander grunted and, seconds later, he kneeled next to Erwin and offered the girl a cup. She took it and finished it in two gulps.

‘You need to blow out the candles, ’ she said, almost a whisper.

‘Why?’, Erwin said.

The girl looked him in the eye then.

‘Because I’m afraid I could’ve been followed here. And they can’t find me, because if they do, I’m dead’ A tear fell, a plea in her eyes, ‘Please, don’t let them find me’

‘Who? Who wants to kill you?’ It was Pixis who asked this time.

The girl took something out of her pocket and showed it to them. It was the Military Police insignia, carved from one of the uniform’s pockets.

‘I came to warn you both. They are going to kill you too’

‘Why? Because of you?’

The girl shook her head.

‘No. They are going to kill you under the pretext that you are a menace to the king and humanity. They want to kill me because I refused to kill you'

The girl looked at both of them, waiting. Pixis stood up and blew out the candles, as the girl had said, and they were left in complete darkness except for the moonlight that came through the windows. They stayed in silence for a couple of minutes, with nothing to be heard.

Suddenly, two people landed on the rooftop in front of Pixis’ window. They were far, so they couldn’t hear what they were saying, but they looked as if they were searching for someone. Once they left, Pixis walked to the door and opened it, allowing the candlelight of the hallway to enter the office.

‘We’ll take her to my room. I’ll guide you there, and you can wait while I go wake the doctor’

Erwin nodded and got closer to the girl. He offered her his hand, and she looked at it, doubtful. The girl looked him in the eyes, like she was asking both him and herself if she could trust him.

Finally, she took his hand and he helped her stand up. Once she was on her feet, he noticed the collar of her shirt was dirty with dried blood, and, on her abdomen, a fresh one. She instinctively brought her left hand there and hissed, bending a little. Now it was Erwin’s turn to swear.

Erwin took off her ODM gear and, very carefully, to cause her as little pain as he could, he placed one arm on her back and one at the back of her knees and scooped her in his arms. She made a little sound, alarmed, but she seemed to relax when she realised she wasn’t in danger.

Erwin followed Pixis through the base until they reached a wooden door a couple of floors above the office. As soon as the commander opened the door, he gave Erwin instructions not to make a sound, to place the girl on the bed and wait for him to arrive with the doctor.

Once the girl was resting on the bed, Erwin lit up a few candles and gave her more water.

‘Were you alone?’ Erwin said.

She didn’t look at him then, purposefully avoiding his gaze. But he saw it. He felt it when she spoke. The sorrow, the mourning and her throat full of tears, when, in a thick voice, she said, ‘They are all gone’.

The door opened and Pixis entered, followed by a man older than him who, still in his sleeping clothes, carried a doctor’s bag.

‘Erwin, this is Domenico. He’s my doctor and will carry this in secrecy'.

When the doctor, Domenico, saw the girl, he made a horrified face, but tried to mask it before she could see it. Domenico got closer to her and whispered something. She nodded. Then the man turned to Erwin.

‘I need you to help her undress while I prepare what I need’

Erwin just nodded and helped her stand again, while Domenico wrote something on a little piece of paper and handed it to Pixis, who left the room again.

Very carefully, Erwin helped the girl out of the stripes that complemented the ODM gear. Then he helped her with her shoes, then her pants, and, finally, her shirt. Even with all he had seen done by the titans, the condition of this girl shocked him. Because he knew this wasn’t made by the type of monsters he fought against. This had been done by monsters among them, by soldiers whom he could cross tomorrow in the street. Were the Titans the only enemies humanity had?

As Erwin stripped her of her clothes, he noticed how weak she was. Erwin wondered if they had fed her at all. He also noticed how she held on to him, so hard that, if she had had more strength, she probably would’ve left a mark.

Once she was in her underwear, as indicated by Domenico, Erwin helped her lie down again. Pixis arrived with the things Domenico had requested, and he began his work. Apart from the bruises and the cuts that covered her upper body, she had a deep knife wound on her abdomen that took several stitches and thorough disinfection. Her right arm, which hadn’t been able to support her weight before, turned out to be broken.

That wasn’t the result of an accident.

When Domenico relocated her shoulder and tended her arm, he had given her some kind of stick to bite and try to muffle the scream that rattled through her. It was heartbreaking to witness how young she was and how they had broken her. Or how they had tried. Because Erwin still saw someone inside that girl. The fact that she had arrived from the Military Police’s base alone and wounded, with the ultimate goal of warning them, told him so.

At some point, someone arrived with food and more water, but Erwin didn’t get to see who it was.

Finally, after a couple of hours of cleaning wounds, applying ointments and bandaging wounds, Domenico stood up and began collecting his things, finished.

‘I’ll come by again in the morning to see how she is. For now, there is no danger. She is dehydrated and needs to eat. And rest, as much rest as she can get, ’ he gave Pixis a recipient with liquid. ‘I already gave her a spoonful of this, but if she’s in pain, give her another’

Then Domenico left. Pixis gave Erwin the recipient.

‘I’m going to start preparations just in case the MPs are planning on getting to us soon, given she has escaped. It’s better if you stay with her at least for tonight. If they come, they won’t look for you here’

Then Pixis left too.

Erwin grabbed a nearby chair and placed it close to the bed. He grabbed the food, helped her sit in the bed and waited patiently as she slowly ate. Once food and water were finished, he helped her lie down again, careful not to let the stitches come out.

‘Does it hurt?’ Erwin asked, prepared to give her the medicine Domenico had left if she needed it.

She shook her head. No, it didn’t hurt. At least not physically.

The girl closed her eyes, sleep claiming her. But she opened them once more to look at him.

‘My name is Alayna’

Chapter 6: Alayna

After three years of waking up with the first light of morning, trying to convince your body that it can sleep for an hour more ends up being complicated.

I was assigned first guard of the walls almost every day, a job that required getting up earlier than everybody else. I don’t mind getting up early. Dreams haven’t been a nice place for me since what happened.

So I enjoy the quiet of the base and take a shower. After that, I put on my new uniform for the second time. In the modest mirror I have inside my room, I look at my reflection. I have worn all three uniforms in my life. First, it was the MP’s. Then, the Stationary Troops’. And, finally, the Scouts’. This, having a new uniform on, always brings back unwanted memories. I have to keep moving, always moving.

I exit the Scout’s base and walk through Trost’s streets. Same as always. Empty, silent, phantasmagoric. I could walk to the graveyard with my eyes closed, given the number of times I’ve gone there in four years. That was the reason for me to ask for the first turn of the guard. It allowed me to go there first before starting the long day. And it brought me peace.

I reach the gates and cross them, passing by graves with different names, and I wonder who those people were. Finally, I reach my usual place, four tombstones with four names: Frank Durand, Oliver Wilson, Eliana Larsen and Stefan Holtz. The flowers I left yesterday are still fresh, but I tidy the place a bit and sit down in front of them.

‘Hey guys,’ I start. It’s always easy for me to start. ‘You won’t believe it, but I’m now in the Scouts. And I know what you are going to say about them, Eli, but if you met them, you'll realise we were wrong about them. We were wrong about a lot of things, weren't we?’ A pause. I can almost picture Eliana’s face, looking at me with a doubtful look in her grey eyes, with her pinkish-blond hair tied in a low bun.

‘Oh! And Frank, I bet you’ve loved Hange.’ The first knot appears in my throat. I try to swallow the tears. I can do it ‘I think I told you guys about her before, right? She has promised to tell me everything she has discovered about the Titans. You would’ve been the best of friends, Frankie. And Stefan, you…’

But I can't continue to tell Stefan that he would have found a kindred spirit in Petra’s kind personality, because I break down. Again. Because I don’t see tombstones, I see my friends sitting around me, their heads resting on their hands, listening with questions in their eyes.

And then I see them, but differently. On metallic desks, their bodies lying there, lifeless, violence painted on them, as my own body would be. I hear my screams, and I feel the hands that wrapped around my mouth and grabbed me by the shoulders, taking me away from them. That was the last time I saw them. That was the last memory I had of them. It was taken from me, the chance of having a happy last memory.

I can’t be here. Today is one of those days when everything is too much. I get up with an apologetic smile, and I exit the graveyard.

When I get back to the base, it’s still early, but I decide to check if breakfast is ready, so I head to the mess hall. To my surprise, the place is not empty. Eld is sitting at the same table we all shared for dinner yesterday, reading some documents while sipping from his tea. His dirty-blond hair is a bit dishevelled, and his eyes look sleepy, as if he hasn’t rested. As I approach him, he lifts his eyes and greets me.

‘Well, this is nice. Are you an early riser, or did you just happen to wake up early today?’

‘You can escape the Stationary Troops, but you can’t escape their routine, ’ I say, taking a seat in front of him.

Thankfully, before my stomach could start roaring, a young boy arrives seconds later with a cup of tea and some bread. I thank him, and he leaves, with a timid ‘You’re welcome, Miss. ’ I turn to Eld.

‘What about you?’

‘Oh, I always get a bit nervous before any trip outside the walls. I guess I just try to make the best of the day, just in case… You know. He shrugs, nonchalantly, like he is at peace with the thought of this being his last day.

A shiver goes down my spine. The Scouts were made of something unique, that was for sure.

‘So,’ he says, trying to change the topic, ‘Are you excited to start your training?’

‘I am. I’ve always wondered how you managed to train for killing titans'

When you were still a cadet, you trained on the use of ODM gear, hand-to-hand combat, and, of course, how to fight Titans. But for the military forces that weren’t forced to fight them, like the MPs and the Stationary Troops, once we graduated, that was the last time we ever trained.

The Scouts, however, did keep their practice, at least before going outside. So, you could say, I didn’t have the training required to face a titan if one were to appear right now.

At the Garrison we didn’t do much. Once you are in, its not required. I heard that things got more serious after the fall of Wall Maria, and both cadets and veterans had to train everyday, but things had already relaxed when I joined.

I missed training days. When we were young and naive, hopeful we would make a difference in this world. Back when I had them, when we were a team. Now its only me.

‘It’s nothing special, I assure you,’ said Eld. ‘Our titans look more like a little kid’s project for school than a real menace, but they are useful to learn how to manage the ODM gear. Plus, you are going to be taught by the best in here. I hope you’re in for hard work’

‘Can’t wait, ’ I said.

‘Really? I thought you didn’t do much, there on the Garrison’

‘Well, it is a boring life there, and cadets do idealise it most of the time. I’m always in for a challenge, I guess’

‘How many years did you serve there?’

‘Three full years’

‘Make sense, then, that you transferred. Though it's a strange thing, I don’t think I’ve heard of anything like it before. People usually fight to be on the safe side of the walls when you are a cadet’

Careful. I had to be careful.

‘I don’t think their parents use them as bargaining chips’

‘Touché. So, you didn’t want to come here?’

‘Yes!’ I rushed to say, ‘I did -I do. But my father-,’ a practised sigh. ‘I wanted to get in the scouts by my own merits. I know that once you choose after graduating, you can’t change your mind, but I had planned on waiting a couple of years before asking Commander Pixis to recommend me to Commander Erwin. However, once I told my father, he interfered and talked with Erwin himself. He knew the commander wouldn’t take in someone without training, so he offered him funds for the Scouts in exchange’

Liar. I hated lying. The only thing true about what I had just said was that Julian Carlisle had given Erwin funds for the Scouts, but because he wanted to.

‘Well, that’s tough. More so if you consider that everyone in Team Levi has gotten here on their own. The captain chose us himself’ He was saying this proudly.

‘Thanks, Eld. You just made me feel so much better’

He lifted his hands, shaking his head.

‘Hey, it’s fine. At least you seem to have the determination to be here. Most cadets don’t. Even though they are the ones making the decision’

We both took sips from our tea, silence invading the space between us for a couple of seconds before Eld left his cup on his plate, a shrug on his face.

‘How old are you?’ he asked.

‘Twenty-three. Why?’

‘But - that’s impossible’

I felt my whole body tense.

‘If you are twenty-three, that would mean you were twenty when you joined the Stationary Troops. And that would mean you were older than the usual when you started your military training’ He was looking at me with wide eyes. ‘Do you know what that means?’

I shook my head.

‘It means that you look awfully young! I thought you weren’t more than nineteen!’, he laughed, marvelled.

I laughed too, relieved, and shrugged, like it was no big deal. Like I hadn’t been scared about his thoughts travelling to another path. And then I felt it, the feeling that came with not being entirely honest with people who were nothing but nice to you.

‘I know, right? I get that a lot!’

Before he could say anything more, the whole of the Survey Corps came into the mess hall. I spotted Petras’ hair between the horde of people and waved at her. She smiled and hurried to get to the table. As everyone started to take their seats, waiters came from inside the kitchen with cups of tea, bread and other things for breakfast.

‘You woke up early!’ Petra said once she claimed the chair beside me.

‘It’s a habit, ’ I said, almost screaming above the rising voices.

‘I’m sure the captain will appreciate it. ’

Then, together, arrived Oluo and Gunther. The first one fell heavily on the chair on my other side, while the other sat across from Petra, at Eld’s left side. I noticed they had left a space at Eld’s right, probably for the captain.

‘How’s your tongue?’, I asked Oluo.

‘Better. The doctor gave me a miraculous medicine, and it healed through the night’

‘Well, I hope you take it with you. It wouldn't be strange if you had another accident today, ’ Petra said, leaning so Oluo could hear her.

‘Shut up, ’ he answered her, a withering look in his eyes.

‘You should be the one shutting up when you are horse riding’

Suddenly, the room got quiet. Everyone had their head turned to the entrance, where Erwin, Levi, Hange and Mike stood. The three captains were behind the commander. Hange wore an ear-to-ear smile; in contrast to Levi’s lips, which formed, again, a straight line. He scanned the room until his eyes stopped on our table, or, more accurately, on mine. His studying gaze made my cheeks warm, even though his eyes were cold. I broke the contact, thankful to find Mike, whose eyes looked at the food on the tables longingly. Still feeling Levi’s gaze on me, I looked at Erwin. His blond hair was slicked back as usual, bright blue eyes hard on the crowd that was looking at him.

‘Good morning,’ his deep voice filled the place and caressed my skin. ‘I want everyone ready to leave in one hour. As you all know, this expedition is just a reconnaissance of the area we’ll explore in detail in a month. Nevertheless, I expect all of you at your best in case we have any trouble. Even more in this one than in the rest, I want no engagement in battle with the Titans. I don’t want casualties’

At unison, all of the soldiers did the military salute with their hands to their hearts- and chanted a ‘Yes, Commander Erwin!’. Erwin just nodded and headed to a table, with the three captains right behind him. Everyone in the room started talking again.

‘It’s a shame you won’t be going with us today. It’s one of the few occasions when we get to do easy stuff out there. Are you sure the commander doesn’t allow you to come?’ Petra said.

‘Didn’t you train on the Stationary Troops?’, asked Oluo.

Before I could answer any of them, Eld slammed his hand on the table, catching all their attention.

‘Did you know she is twenty-three?’ he said, while pointing at me.

‘Impossible, ’ said Oluo. 'You don’t look older than nineteen’

‘That’s exactly what I told her’

‘Hey, you four, I hope you have everything ready to leave, ’ interrupted a deep voice.

Captain Levi appeared at Eld’s left, not a hair out of place. Like yesterday, everyone in the table stood a little straighter.

‘Yes, Captain! Everything under control!’ said Petra.

‘Good,’ then, for the second time this morning, his blue eyes collided with mine. ‘Carlisle, come see me before we leave. I have some paperwork for you while we are gone’

‘Yes, sir!’

And then he left.

Once everyone had finished breakfast, Petra insisted I accompany them to see how they got the ultimate details for the expedition ready. She instructed me in what to take with me, the type of food that they carried and other useful information that she told me was all essential to survive out there.

‘Though, don’t worry, we’ll explain it to you more in detail when your first expedition comes, ’ she said with a smile while she finished checking for a second time that she had everything she needed.

After that, I left them in the patio, where the rest of the scouts were gathering, and looked for Captain Levi in his office.

‘Good, you’re here,’ said the captain when I came in.

Before I could get closer to his desk, where he was, he came with a stack of papers under his arm. He stopped in front of me and handed them to me.

‘Given that you won’t be coming, I thought it was best if you make yourself useful. I want these on my desk tomorrow morning. I’ve also included you in the cleaning schedule, here' he pointed at the top paper, where some kind of calendar with names, times and places was neatly written. ‘You can see your tasks. It would be unfair of me to ask you to start today, so you’ll start tomorrow with that’

I nodded, waiting for him to add something more, given he hadn’t dismissed me and was looking at me. But he didn’t.

‘Anything else, Captain?’

‘I heard Eld say you were twenty-three, ’ he said, slowly.

Oh, boy.

‘Yes, I am’

‘But that would mean you got into the Training Corps at, what, nineteen? Isn’t that a bit later than the usual?’

Damn, he was good. He was good, and he was going after me. Like yesterday, when he asked about my acquaintance with Erwin and about my parents. I had to think fast. Thank God I was, supposedly, the daughter of an aristocrat, and that gave you cards with which to play.

‘My mother wanted to wait, just in case a suitor knocked on the door and I could get married’ The lie rolled out of my mouth, as it had with Eld.

Levi raised an eyebrow.

‘Weren’t you too young to get married?’

‘Well, you know, nobility is always looking for an early match’ And then added, ‘Captain’

He studied me for a bit, and then he nodded. Did he believe me? Hardly. Captain Levi was a man who allowed no bullshit. I could sense it in the few hours that had passed since I had met him. I could see in his eyes that he wasn’t trusting me. I’ll have to update Erwin on all the lies I told today. It seems neither Pixis, Erwin, nor I were prepared for Levi’s questioning.

We exited his office together and went downstairs to meet with the rest. Everyone was prepared to leave, mounted on their horses, eyes to the front and serious expressions on their faces. Levi and I reached the others, and I saw Petra holding a beautiful dark horse’s reins that seemed to be Levi’s, because the captain mounted on it with the grace of a dancer.

I looked at them all, and a terrible feeling invaded me. Would I see them again?

A selfish part of me wondered if Erwin had been right, if perhaps I should’ve waited and stayed with Pixis a bit longer. Not because I was at risk of being discovered, but because I’ll meet a lot of people who would perish outside the walls. How many would be this time? How many more Scouts would I meet in the following month who would die in the next expedition? How many will I see devoured by Titans? I knew Erwin’s job was difficult, but until now, until this very moment, when the gates were going to open and these people were going to their possible end, I didn’t realise just how deadly his job was.

Was I prepared to lose more people?

I heard Erwin give the order for the gates to be opened, and they started to advance. Petra looked at me one last time and she waved, like she was saying ‘See you later!’. Stefano’s face appeared in my mind as he was being taken for questioning. He had given me that same little smile, reassuring me. The next time I saw him, the only thing I could recognise him by was his golden hair, but even that was covered in blood.

I stayed in the patio until the very last of them disappeared, and some cadets closed the gates again.

Chapter 7: Alayna

Notes:

Hello! A longer chapter this time. I hope you enjoy it! Next chapter, you will have Levi, Erwin and the rest again, I promise! Anyway, remember you can always leave your thoughts and comments, I love reading them!

Eight years back. Training corps. First day.

If I continue to sweat like this, it will be very embarrassing when we arrive and my clothes are all wet. I wished I had some water to drink. Were they trying to kill us? Maybe try to see who would resist extreme conditions? Was this some kind of ritual they did every year?

I was sharing this bumping carriage with seven people. More carriages were ahead of us, with the rest of the recruits. In mine, there were mixed expressions. There was a ginger boy who looked younger than us all, with a scared look on his face. He looked outside like he was thinking about jumping out of the carriage and running home.

To his right, there were two girls. The first one, with short blond hair and arms crossed, wore a bored expression and looked like she was going to fall asleep at any moment. The other one, a brunette with shoulder-length hair, was tapping her fingers against her leg, a little smile on her lips and her eyes wide, as if she were in some sort of trance. And, finally, the boy in front of me, who was reading a book, as small as his hand, and was writing notes in it with a pencil, eyes concentrated behind a pair of glasses. How could he see with the little light that reached us?

From what I could see of the people on my right, I could gather that a blond boy looked peacefully to his left, where we were leaving our cities behind. He was the opposite of the ginger boy in front of him, the one with the scared face. Then, on his right, there was a girl, but I couldn’t see her features, because her hands covered her face. I think she was sobbing, because her shoulders went slightly up and down. Finally, right next to me was a ginger girl who had not looked away from her hands since we got inside the carriage.

And then there was me. I was surviving on three hours of sleep, a cup of tea, and a bunch of nerves. I was relieved I hadn’t listened to Mom when she’d said to eat some bread before leaving, because now I would be sick.

Looking at the ginger’s scared face, my lack of fear felt weird. I didn’t even miss home yet. If I closed my eyes, I could see my parents' teary faces as I rode away and hear the excited screams of my siblings as they tried to free themselves from my parents' hold and come running after the carriage.

‘Be careful, and write to us whenever you can, okay?’ my mother had said before I got into the carriage. I just nodded. ‘You promise?’

‘Promise’

She hugged me so hard she almost crushed my ribs. But those were always the best of hugs, the ones so hard that when they were over, you could still feel on you like a protective cape.

‘That’s my sweet girl. Don’t let them take that from you’ she had said while she caressed my hair, same shade as hers.

It was my father’s turn then. His dark hair with streaks of grey here and there, and his dark eyes, made me feel like the warmth of the fire on a rainy afternoon. He grabbed me gently by the shoulders, bending a bit to meet my eyes.

‘Be fierce and strong, my child. You already have the soul of a soldier. Let them see it, hold your head high, and come back home’. He kissed me on my forehead and my cheek before letting me go.

Then my siblings, Laurette, with her funny piggy tails, and Guus, with his big green eyes surrounded by freckles, gave me a hug each, their eyes shiny and excited because their big sister was going to become a soldier.

Those memories, which I’m sure would carry me through this adventure, warmed my heart and gave me strength. They pushed fear, loneliness or homesickness away.

The carriage went over a sudden pothole, and I jumped out of my seat so clumsily, and with so little time to react, that I almost crushed the boy in front of me, the one with the book. Once I could sit back in my place, I looked at him with an apologetic smile.

‘So sorry, did I hurt you?’

He gave me a big smile, and his eyes wrinkled at the corners. He lifted his glasses with one finger before they could fall from his nose.

‘Don’t worry! No apologies needed!’

I thought he was going to continue reading, but he closed his book, using his pencil as a bookmark, and looked at me, offering his hand in greeting.

‘I’m Frank!’

I shook his hand.

‘Alayna’

His eyes glinted in delight.

‘I’m from Karanes. You?’, he asked.

‘I’m from a little farm a bit to the north of Wall Rose’

‘You’re a farmer!’, he said, delighted again.

‘Well, technically, my parents are. I give them a hand sometimes, but most of the time I just take care of my siblings and teach them what they should be learning at school’

‘I’ve always wanted to live on a farm! Not because I like the farming thing, but because my mother always says that it would be a better place for my experiments! She always says, ‘Frankie, doing this type of thing here, in the city, we’ll get us in trouble one day. Wait until you are older and you can have a farm outside of town where you don’t endanger people’. But my father lets me use his workshop sometimes, when Mom isn’t at home’

‘Will you shut the fuck up?’ a voice to our left said. It was the girl with the short hair who said it. She was glaring at us, clearly annoyed.

‘Let them be, Clarissa, ’ the girl at her side, the brunette who had looked like she was in a trance, said, now serious. ‘At least someone makes this bearable. And it certainly isn’t you, all grumpy and angry’

The other girl, Clarissa, said nothing. She just closed her eyes with a disgusted expression, like she was shutting us down. The brunette turned to us.

‘I’m sorry for my sister; she’s always like that when she is nervous. She’s a bit overthinker, probably going through everything that could go wrong until we reach the training grounds,’ she said the last part in a whisper, like her sister wasn’t so close she could still hear her perfectly. But Clarissa didn’t move.

‘Anyway, I’m Loretta! Nice to meet you…,’ he looked at Frank, thinking. He opened his mouth to tell her his name, but she rushed to say, ‘No! Don’t tell me, I have to remember… Frank! Yes, that was it, wasn’t it?’

A little bit puzzled, Frank nodded, and they shook hands. Then Loretta turned to me.

‘And you are Alayna! I remember because it struck me as a beautiful name!’

We shook hands, too, while I thanked her for her words.

‘Where are you from?’ I asked her.

‘Oh, Clarissa and I are from Shiganshina on Wall Maria! We have been on the road for days! Really uncomfortable, so I’m desperate to sleep on a good bed tonight!’ She got closer to us and started whispering again. ‘I heard from some Stationary Troop’s cadets, that the first day is always the worst’

‘Why?’ asked Frank.

‘Well, it seems they try to eliminate the weak first by not feeding us on our first day and making us run for hours until the Commander is satisfied. And then, they only give us water and let us try to survive the night with nothing solid in our stomachs. They also told me-’ but her sister interrupted her again.

‘Don’t listen to her. Loretta, don’t go saying things like that to people!’

‘But Rami and Logan told me!’

‘Those two are nothing but trouble! They probably said that to scare you or as some kind of joke!’ Clarissa looked at Frank and me then with an exasperated expression, but kinder than the first time she had talked.

‘Rami and Logan are two cadets who graduated last year. Friends of ours, but they like to mess with Loretta because she tends to believe everything you tell her’

‘Hey, that’s not fair, ’ protested the brunette.

‘Oh, come on, Loretta! Tell them what you did after they told you that! Come on, tell them!’

But Loretta refused to talk; she crossed her arms and looked away from her sister, all the fun taken away from her. Clarisse seemed to find this funny, because she smiled for the first time.

‘Loretta here, spent days surviving only on water and running across the city just to prove she could make it through the first day. Until she fainted and spent a week in the hospital recovering’

Frank made a surprised sound.

‘That’s irresponsible’

‘Yes, well, at least I’m ready if it ends up being true’

Clarissa rolled her eyes, and Loretta seemed not to be in the mood to talk more, which, honestly? Perhaps it was for the best, because when I looked at Frank, any hint of excitement had disappeared, and worry had taken its place.

I gave him a tap with my foot against his.

‘Hey, what’s the book about?’

Frank looked down, remembering his previous writing, but he didn’t smile.

‘It’ll just bore you’

‘But you can’t know if you don’t tell me’

‘Why do you want to know?’ he asked, doubtful.

‘Because I’m curious’

And just like that, Frank opened his book and started talking and talking and talking. He was passionate about chemistry and loved to create new formulas. He was sure that we could include chemicals in new forms of defence against the titans. Back at Karanes, he had been doing some experiments on bombs that could detonate on their own once they touched Titan’s skin. He had been working with prototypes, trying to confirm some of his hypotheses, but apart from all the talking, he hadn’t had the opportunity to make it work.

‘But I have been able to try mixing the chemicals with metals. My dad is a blacksmith, and I have worked with him on really cool weaponry that reacts differently when in contact with your opponent’s skin’

That was the part that got me. I loved weapons and I loved fighting. I love the clash of the metal, the sweat down your spine from the effort, the weight of the sword in your hand, the thrill of hitting where you aimed.

Back at the farm, I had learned swordfighting. My dad inherited one from his great-grandfather, and when I was ten, he taught me how to use it, just in case something ever happened. I knew that in the military, you only used hand-to-hand combat and the ODM gear, but it was much more rewarding to use a sword. It felt like an extension from you. Once I mastered it, I began using daggers and bows and arrows.

Frank and I didn’t stop talking until we reached the training camp. Suddenly, the carriage had stopped, and the soldiers who drove it shouted, ‘Get the fuck out, cadets.’ The light of the late afternoon made me squint my eyes, and I looked around me. Having grown in a landscape full of green, the red and sandy colour of this place felt suffocating.

Frank got down out of the carriage right behind me, hiding his little book in the inside pocket of his jacket. I hadn’t been able to really see him in the carriage, but he was a good palm taller than I. It turned out his hair wasn’t so dark after all; it was dark brown, like tea. He looked down at me, bright blue eyes, as bright as his smile, shone with excitement.

‘Finally!’ he exclaimed.

Ahead of us, I could see Clarissa and Loretta talking. I circled the carriage and saw more boys and girls our age, all of them coming out of their respective carriages.

‘Attention!’ A soldier with the Scouts’ uniform was getting closer. Instinctively, we all gathered together and straightened our backs.

‘Ugh, terrible formation attempt’ he was looking at us like he was getting nauseous. ‘Girls barracks to the left, boys to the right. You will be given your uniform. I want everyone here in ten minutes. And try to do a decent formation this time’

‘Yes!’, everyone shouted at their own time. The man just sighed.

‘We’ll have to work on synchronicity’

I gave a last look at Frank before we parted for our respective barracks. When I got to the girl’s, I joined the line after Loretta. Once I reached the door, a female soldier with the Garrison’s uniform gave me a bunch of clothes without any explanation.

The good thing about the barracks was that they reminded me of home. Of course, we didn’t have that many beds, but it was the wood and its smell. It brought me peace.

I noticed that the beds weren’t assigned, so I just claimed one near a window.

‘You’ll freeze in winter, ’ someone said to my right.

When I turned, I found a girl with her hair, dark as night, wrapped in a low bun. Her grey eyes were studying me, curious. I looked at the window thoroughly, just in case it had any cracks, but I found none.

‘Oh, no, it’s fine. The window seems perfect. I don’t think much cold will get inside. Besides, I’m used to it. I grew up in the countryside’

She shrugged and placed her uniform on the bed beside me.

I started undressing, uncomfortable. Back home, I had my room, and I had always been private about myself and my things. I never even let my parents see me naked by chance. So I faced the window, which wasn’t a good alternative either, and started undressing, fast. I don’t think I have ever changed at this speed in my life. But at least, it was done.

The first thing I noticed about wearing the uniform was that it was remarkably comfortable. And it made sense that it was, given that the ODM gear required you to be able to move freely. From above, I saw the Training troop’s badge on my left pocket, and it filled me with self-satisfaction. Finally.

The girl who had warned me about the cold, ready in her uniform as well, exited the barracks and went outside. I followed her suit. After all, they had only given us ten minutes.

I met with Frank outside and got into place beside him. A man, with the Garrison uniform, was guiding all of us as we were arriving into formation. On my other side was another boy, light brownish hair tousled by the wind, wild curls sticking their way.

‘They’ll probably make you shave it,’ said another boy behind him. He looked like the blond one from the carriage.

‘Well, they’ll have to catch me first. There’s no way I’m shaving my head,’ said the guy.

‘Really, Oliver?’

Oliver shrugged.

‘They don’t force the girls to cut theirs, ’ was everything Oliver said.

Then he looked my way. I didn’t have time to pretend I hadn’t been listening, so I smiled nervously. He gave me an easy smile. He had beautiful green eyes.

‘Attention, cadets!’ It was the same man from before. ‘I’m Commander Shadis of the Scouts! Every day, before breakfast, you will attend formation. If you are late, you go home; if you fall asleep while on formation, you go home; if you are half dressed, you go home. If you don’t behave like a soldier would, you go home. Is this clear?’, silence.

‘You will answer whatever the Commander says with a ‘Yes, sir!’ or ‘Yes, Commander Shadis!’. Is it understood?’, another soldier from the Scouts said.

‘Yes, sir!’ we said all in unison.

‘So, is it clear, cadets?’ repeated the Commander.

‘Yes, Commander Shadis!’ we screamed.

The Commander walked until he was in front of a girl. I couldn’t see her face, given I was rows behind her, but I could see her tremble like a leaf. Shadis assessed her, a psychotic gleam in his eyes.

‘What is your name, cadet?’ he screamed. Didn’t this man know what it was to talk?

‘Lorette Renard, Commander!’

Lorette! Without her earlier clothes and looking at her back, I didn’t recognise her. Poor girl.

‘Why are you so scared, Renard?’ screamed Shadis.

Lorette didn’t answer.

‘I said, Why are you so scared, Renard?’ The commander got even closer to her.

‘Because I don’t want to starve, sir!’

‘Who the hell said that you were going to starve?’

‘Rami and Logan, sir!’

‘And who the fuck are those?’

‘Members of the Garrison placed in Shiganshina, sir!’

‘And you believed them, Renard?’

‘Yes, sir!’

‘Are you fucking stupid, Renard?’

‘N-no, sir!’

Lorette was shaking even more profusely now.

‘Then why do you believe shit?’

‘Sorry, sir!’

‘I don’t want your sorry, Renard. I want you to be a soldier. Do you think soldiers believe whatever they tell them?’

‘No, sir!’

‘What do they do, Renard?’

‘They obey orders, sir!'

‘That’s it. Obey this one: Don’t believe shit that doesn’t come from your superiors. Understood?’

‘Yes, sir!’

Commander Shadis scanned her face one more time and passed to the next cadet. Lorette’s legs were shaking so hard I thought she would just crumble down.

Come on, Lorette. Don’t let him get under your skin. Don’t let him bring you down.

Lorette’s legs stayed in place until she calmed down and stopped shaking.

Shadis continued with his insults and his mind playing. Some of the cadets gave up and fell to the ground; others remained stoic while Shadis mocked them, insulted them or humiliated them. Frank was one of those. Back straight, eyes to the front and mouth in a tight line, he didn’t even bother to blink when Shadis’ nose touched his and screamed that ‘Soldiers didn’t wear stupid fucking glasses’ and that ‘Soldiers who couldn’t see perfectly were a disgrace for the army’.

Then it was my turn. I swallowed, mouth turning suddenly dry when Shadis stepped in front of me. He bent so he could meet me in the eyes. I met his gaze. First mistake.

‘What the fuck are you looking at, cadet?’ His scream pierced my ears.

‘You, sir!’

‘Have I told you to look at me, cadet?’

‘No, sir!’

‘Then look to the fucking front, cadet!’

‘Yes, sir!’

‘Do you think yourself brave for looking at your superior in the eye, cadet?’

‘No, sir!’

‘Are you looking for a challenge, cadet?’

‘No, sir!’

‘Do you need some beating to remind you of your place, cadet?’ he screamed even louder.

‘No, sir!’

‘What would you do if I punched you now, cadet?’

‘Nothing, sir!’

‘Why?’

‘Because you gave me no orders to defend myself, sir!’

I could feel his gaze challenging me, defying me to look at him again. But I didn’t. I looked forward, as Frank had done, barely breathing. Suddenly, the Commander rose, and, so low I thought I had imagined it, I heard him mutter ‘Good.’ Then he continued with the boy with the green eyes, Oliver.

I risked a side-eyed glance at Frank. He was looking at me with shiny eyes. He winked and smiled. I looked to the front again. It seemed that, for now, we had passed the trial.

Once Shadis’ torture ended, some of us, the ones still standing, headed to the mess hall. Others headed back to the carriages. In between those who went back home, I distinguished the ginger boy who had looked so scared on our way here.

I was so hungry I felt like I could pass out at any given moment. Frank and I got in line to grab our food, and then we sat at an empty table. Around us, another thirty cadets did the same, spreading out along the space.

‘Well, that was… something, ’ Frank said for the first time since formation had been dissolved.

‘Something I would be very happy not to repeat. Ever’, I said, having a spoonful of soup.

‘Me neither,’ said a voice. But it wasn’t Frank’s.

I looked to my right and saw two boys. The first one was Oliver, with the pretty green eyes, and the other one was the boy he was talking with, a blond one with kind brown eyes.

‘Did the commander say anything about your hair?’ I told Oliver. He smiled big.

‘Only that it was a good bunch of hair for a soldier,’ and he winked my way. ‘Can we sit with you, guys?’

‘Of course, ’ I answered.

Oliver sat at my left, and Stefano sat at Frank’s right.

‘I’m Oliver, and this is Stefano. We come from Trost’

I was about to introduce myself when another person interrupted me.

‘Is that seat free?’

It was the same girl from the barracks, the one with the low bun. She wore a bored face, like she had just chosen the first seat she had seen free. But I saw it, her unsure gaze, the way she didn’t meet my eyes fully, trying and failing to play it nonchalantly, like she didn’t mind.

‘Sure!’

She placed her tray on the table and sat on Frank’s side. I offered her my hand, like Frank had done to me back in the carriage.

‘I’m Alayna,’ I said.

It seemed her confidence was brought back, because she took my hand and shook it firmly.

‘I’m Eliana’

Chapter 8: Alayna

Notes:

Hi! (Again) Thank you again for continuing to read the new chapter! I just want to remind you all that this IS a Levi Ackerman fanfiction; it's just a slow-burn. Just wanted you to remember, in case some people get confused as the story unravels.

Night had already fallen when someone knocked.

Since the entirety of the Scouts, except the cadets and me, had left, the base had been in complete silence. I had eaten lunch alone, and dinner too, entertained, in the meantime, with exploring and memorising each hallway. After dinner, I came up to my room to finish the paperwork Captain Levi had given me in the morning. And just like that, my second day with the Scouts was over. Until the knock.

Reluctantly, with my eyes already tired and a yawn in my mouth, I opened the door.

The first thing I saw where a pair of cold, bluish-grey eyes looking at me, followed by dark hair and a mouth forming a straight line. That was the second time I opened my door only to find Captain Levi.

But this time, he wasn’t alone, because beside him was a smiley Petra, and behind them, Oluo, Eld and Gunther. All of them were a bit dirty, the signs of the day visible on them, as well as exhaustion. But they were all smiling.

Petra was the first to speak.

‘Hey! We just came to let you know we are back! I saw you a bit worried just as we were leaving, and the rest agreed to come too’

All of them nodded, except for Levi.

‘They insisted,’ he simply said.

A lump formed in my throat. For the first time since I met them yesterday, I gave them a true smile. And I felt it.

‘Thank you, guys. Really. It means a lot. But please, go to sleep now. You must be so tired’

Oluo nodded, face crumbling.

‘Yeah, I need sleep. And proper food' He looked like he was… sobbing?

‘He is very sensible when he's tired,’ said Eld, with a hand to Oluo’s back, comforting him.

Gunther waved goodbye, and Petra bid me goodnight.

‘Training,’ Levi said. I looked at him. ‘We start training tomorrow morning. Don’t be late’

Then, he turned around.

‘Captain,’ I called him. He stopped in his tracks, turning his face until I was able to see his profile. ‘Thank you’

He nodded and continued his way to the stairs.

Once the echo of his footsteps was gone, I closed my door and, barefoot to make as little noise as I could, I went upstairs.

The office’s hallway was deserted. Every captain was probably taking a shower or resting by now. But I knew someone who wouldn’t. Or, at least, I hoped he wouldn’t.

The thing is that you always take people for granted. You go to sleep thinking they do the same and that you will both see each other the next day. But I learned the hard way, probably like Eld had, that each day can be the last you see a person. So you could never take for granted that they were okay. You could only hope that it was true. That insecurity had rooted so deeply in my body -and had been confirmed this morning when I was looking at the Scouts leave- that when Levi and the rest left to sleep, I had the need to come here.

In the past three years, I had lived with the Stationary Troops without a worry. Even though I still knew when the Scouts went out of the walls. But perhaps it was living with them now, realising they are real, that suddenly gave me the anxiety to check if everything was okay.

So here I am, knocking on Erwin’s door.

‘Come in’

Quickly, I opened the door and let myself in. I closed the door behind me, and I turned.

‘Ah, it’s you. I thought you would be asleep by now’

Erwin's voice soothed something inside me that had begun to grow since I started climbing the stairs. My mind took a second to realise he was here, physically here, back, good and alive.

‘No,’ I answered, remembering what he had just said. 'I was doing some paperwork Levi gave me. Petra and the others came by to tell me everything was good’

I walked further into the room. Erwin was looking inside the wardrobe he had in his office. His OMD gear was on his desk, as well as the stripes that helped keep it in place. He finished searching through his clothes and turned to me, a clean shirt in his hand, giving me a tired smile.

Finally, I had a good look at him. His blond hair was messy, and his cheeks were still a bit red from the wind and the heat of the sun. All over his clothes, there were stains of dirt and wrinkles, but no blood.

‘I thought you would be the one to be in his room by now, ’ I confessed.

‘No, I have some work to do before. I’d like to write the report first, before I can forget anything’

He started unbuttoning his shirt.

‘So, how was it?’

‘Good. No casualties for the first time in a while. And we covered up everything we needed, so I could say it was a success. We needed one desperately, ’ he said, the last part almost to himself.

He turned his back to me once he finished with the buttons and took it off. I watched as the muscles in his back moved and tensed while he left it on the table and grabbed the clean one. Even in the dim light, I could see marks along his skin. Without even thinking about it, I closed the distance and touched them, tracing the white scars, in contrast with his golden skin, with my fingers. I felt him tense under me, and he stopped what he was doing, like I had interrupted him.

The scars went from his shoulder blades to his lower back. They reminded me of the one I had in my abdomen, a cruel way of remembering my past each time I looked in the mirror, never allowed to forget.

I had never seen Erwin like this, with his upper body undressed. I’ve always thought he was magnetic, the way he moved when he was in a room, how he spoke at meetings, how he spoke to his soldiers. He inspired respect and obedience, but he didn’t impose them. At the same time, he was a gentleman, composed, kind. Even the first time I saw him, back when he was a stranger, I had felt drawn to him.

But this, his body, muscled, toned, strong. Soft. His wide shoulders, the way they moved up and down with his breathing, how the light grazed his skin.

‘When?’ I just said.

‘When I was a cadet in the Training Corps,’ I could feel the smile in his voice. ‘They brought us to Trost to do some ODM gear training for three days. On the final day, before we went back to the training grounds, they allowed us to go enjoy ourselves. We were drunk and started fighting outside the pub. At some point, I took my shirt off. Then the guy I was fighting against pushed me, and I fell on some shattered glass’

‘That’s not very epic’

‘No, it’s not, ’ he said, a soft chuckle escaping his lips.

My fingers continued to travel along his back, jumping from scar to scar. I had the sudden urge to kiss them. What would he do if I did? When I was reaching the last ones, in his lower back, he turned suddenly, shirt forgotten in his desk, and grabbed the hand that, moments before, had been touching him.

He bent his head to look at me, and I raised mine to meet him. His blue eyes looked over my face, like he was searching for something. My breath caught a little at the sudden proximity, and it made me dizzy. As if something was trying to possess me, I felt the need to touch him again, to feel his heartbeat against my palm. This… feeling was strange, and intoxicating. And it began to scare me. So I gave him an easy smile and freed myself from his soft grip.

‘I’m sure many would like to hear the story of how Commander Erwin of the Scouts’ first wound was while he was drunk’

Erwin blinked, registering my words, and rolled his eyes. He retrieved his shirt from the table and put it on, covering his skin.

‘Yeah, well, don’t go spreading it around’

Once his shirt was buttoned up, he said, ‘Now, I believe you have training tomorrow with Levi, so you better sleep all you can. He won’t go easy on you’

Tell me something I don’t know, I thought. Then, I remembered.

‘Oh, by the way. Levi asked about my age. He said it was a bit strange, getting into the Training troops at nineteen’

‘What did you say?’

‘I told him Mrs Carlisle wanted me to marry me off’

Erwin raised an eyebrow, judging.

‘Don’t look at me like that. Next time you come up with something'

Then I turned around and headed for the exit. Just when I was about to slip out of the door, Erwin called me.

‘Alayna,’ I slipped my head inside to look at him. ‘Goodnight’

*******

It was cold as we rode through the empty streets. Mornings were always cold. Perhaps that was another reason why I liked visiting the graveyard so early. But today I didn’t, because it was training day.

We rode in a small formation. Levi was leading us, and behind him were Petra and I, with the boys going last. Once we crossed the northern gate, it took a while to leave behind the city and get into nature.

It had been a while since I escaped into something as familiar as this. It reminded me of home, back when I was a kid, when life was easier, and my only big responsibility was to make sure that my siblings knew how to read and write correctly. When my only training was with my father, as he was teaching me how to use a sword.

‘We’ll go to the forest on the outskirts of Trost. Take some food with you. We won’t be back for lunch’ had said the Captain when he found us all in the empty mess hall.

More than two hours later, we were finally getting near the big mass of green. What surprised me about it was how tall the trees were, as tall as buildings. That was probably the reason for the Scouts to choose it for training. It was better than regular trees for using ODM gear.

‘There’s a forest just like that outside the walls. The trees help against the titans, even better than buildings’, said Petra, her voice rising above the galloping of the horses.

OMD gear had never been a problem to me. You could say it came naturally, even when I was in the Training Corps. And when I learnt to use it, differently from how they taught us, more adequate to my tasks in the Military Police, it became a part of me. But I never got to use it outside the city. The problem is, buildings and streets follow a pattern; there’s always the same distance and height, things that are reliable when you use your ODM, because you don’t have to really think about them.

Trees were in the wild; no one planted their seeds conveniently. They just planted them. Or they appeared by chance. I could already feel why Erwin had insisted so much on the fact that I needed the training. I barely remember the one I did years ago, so it will do some good to practice.

At the base of the trees, Levi stopped and indicated that we leave the horses there. Then, he ordered my comrades to go inside and check that everything was okay and prepared to start. He turned to me.

‘While they are on it, I want to see how you manage with the ODM. I’ll be right behind you’

Okay, so… I just, what, went on a stroll with it?

I grabbed the controllers and shot the trigger, getting ready for the push to lift me in the air. I could never get tired of this. The thrill, the need to be aware of your surroundings, looking for the next good spot to fire, taking in the momentum, feeling suspended in the air, flying, free, the wind carrying you. Trees became a blur at my sides, my head focused, and there was nothing more.

Levi’s voice reached me from behind. I fired at a nearby tree and landed on one of its branches. Levi did the same seconds after.

‘You move good for a Stationary Troops’ soldier. That will help you now’

He pointed ahead.

‘A couple of meters behind those trees, Oluo and Petra must be waiting for you. They will see you, but you won’t see them. Once they do, they will get the dummy up, simulating a Titan suddenly appearing from behind a tree. You have to target its nape and cut it. Got it?’

I nodded and went back in the air. I looked around me, watching, listening. Nightfall was easier for me to move; less visual distractions, which allowed me to rely more on my listening. Suddenly, a big thing appeared, huge, taller than me. In a heartbeat, I flew higher and fell on its nape, making a clear cut. I stopped and waited for Levi.

‘That was an acceptable first try. From now on, try to fly higher. If the titan had been real, you would have been in trouble. You need to react faster. Titans move shockingly fast for their weight and height’

I went into the air again. A couple of minutes after, another titan-dummy appeared. This one was shorter. I dropped down, letting myself fall on it, and did a clean cut again.

‘Don’t stop!’ shouted Levi from behind me.

I aimed at another tree and left the dummy behind. Suddenly, there was movement at my right side, coming directly at me, fast. I hardly had time to dodge it, and when I did, I must’ve miscalculated, because I was heading scaringly fast against a tree. That was going to hurt like hell.

Abruptly, I stopped. A hand in my middle was holding me in place, the front of a body against my back. I turned my head inches to the left, but I already knew who it was.

‘Eyes to the front, Carlisle, ’ said Captain Levi when our eyes collided. I did what he said, but I felt his breath against my cheek.

‘Titans can appear as suddenly as this one did. If this happens, eyes to the front, don’t mind it. You have more probabilities of surviving if you pass it and come to it once you are in a more comfortable position that changing course abruptly’ he said, his voice filling my senses like poison. ‘Understood?’

‘Yes,’ I breathed.

‘Good. Because I won’t catch you next time. Now, fire and continue’

Once I did, and it was clear that I wasn’t going to fall if he let me go, he freed me, and I went on my own again.

The next dummy appeared the same way the previous one did. I followed the Captain's instructions. And he was right, I had been faster and deadlier than before.

I continued onto the next one, a three-meter one, and the one after, a four-meter one.

But after dealing with the four-meter dummy, nothing appeared for a couple of minutes. I kept going for a while, until it was clear that there weren’t any left. Perhaps Levi had indicated to me to stop, and I hadn’t heard him. I turned my head, but I couldn’t see him. As I brought my eyes back to the front, I noticed movement from the left. Another dummy appeared, a fifteen-meter one. Once I made the clean cut and got away from him, something hit me from behind, and I lost control.

I was plummeting to the ground, and I couldn’t focus on one tree to hook onto. Suddenly, I was five meters, four meters, three meters from the ground. And Levi wasn’t going to catch me this time. I fired, hoping to catch something. A sudden pull from my left allowed me to decrease the speed, and I fell to the ground with less impact, but the hit still managed to send a shot of pain from my right shoulder down my arm.

Someone landed a couple of feet away where I was lying on the ground.

‘Are you okay?’ said Levi, kneeling to my left.

‘Yes’

‘Can you sit down?’

I nodded, hesitantly, and tried to help myself with my hands, but pain struck my right arm again. Levi helped me the rest of the way until I was sitting on the ground.

‘Where?’

The rest of the question wasn’t necessary. He wanted to know where the pain was.

‘My right shoulder, I think’

He moved to my right and reached for it, but he seemed to think about it better, because he said, ‘Can I?’

I nodded.

‘I need you to take your jacket off. And to put aside part of your shirt, so I can have a better view of the injury’

I looked at him. Doubt spread through my body. His eyes, more blue today than grey, were waiting, challenging. Finally, I nodded. He helped me take my jacket off and waited patiently while I managed with the part of my shirt that covered my shoulder.

His fingers were cold against my skin as he touched it, but gentler than I would’ve guessed. He palpated my shoulder until he noticed something strange. His hands still on my skin, he said, ‘Looks like your shoulder dislocated’

‘It’s not the first time it's happened. Just relocate it, I’m used to it’

I could feel his curious gaze from the side.

‘When?’

As before, he didn’t need to complete the question. He wanted to know when it had happened for the first time.

‘Five years ago, ’ I said. ‘I… broke my arm. And dislocated my shoulder in the process. It was a mess’

‘How?’

‘I’d rather keep that private if you don’t mind, Captain’

He didn’t answer.

‘It’ll hurt’

‘I know, ’ I simply said.

I felt his hands deeper on my skin as he prepared himself. Then, he moved them until a crack sounded. I hissed. But the pain disappeared as fast as it had come.

Levi’s hands left my skin, their phantom replacing them, and he stood up. I buttoned up my shirt again and took my jacket from the floor before following him.

‘Practice is finished, we’ll continue tomorrow’

Chapter 9: Alayna

After dinner, sleep claimed me like it did when I was a child. The softness of the sheets and their welcoming warmth enveloped me, bringing me down, down, down.

When I opened my eyes, I wasn’t in my room anymore. Which was weird, because I couldn’t remember getting out of bed and coming here. A familiar space welcomed me, and the yellow light of the candles cast shadows along the room. Movement at my back had me turning.

Erwin was there again, his back to me, his scars moving with his muscles as he unfolded a shirt. I had a feeling I had lived this before. But, had I? There was this fog in my head, this exhaustion that didn’t allow me to think clearly.

As if I wasn’t in control of my body, my right hand touched one of his scars. He tensed. Again, without really thinking about it, I brought my other hand to touch him, to ground me, as I neared my lips to one of the scars in front of me, and I kissed it. I felt it, Erwin’s sharp inhale. I kissed another, softly, marvelling at the firmness of his skin. His voice went through his body and into mine like lightning.

‘Alayna’

Just that, my name, like a warning. But I didn’t listen, I didn’t want to. So I kissed another one of his scars, my hands now roaming through his back, exploring.

Erwin said my name again, and this time I caught how his fist clenched and unclenched, but the voice in my head just said: More, more, more. I kissed another scar, this time, lower.

Suddenly, Erwin turned, both hands strong on my waist, lifted me and sat me on his table, settling in between my legs. Our noses were almost touching, his lips hovering above mine, tempting me. His eyes pierced me in place, like an order and a challenge. I wanted to get lost in them, in their safety, in this moment that didn’t belong to time, that belonged to me. I wanted to get lost in his face, in the straight lines of his nose, in the softness of his eyes, in the pink of his lips. I wanted to touch his hair, feel it with my hands, hear him say my name. Closer, closer, closer.

He moved slowly, his eyes never leaving mine, like he wanted to see my reaction. He buried his face in my neck, and his lips left a trail of kisses as he went down into that space between my neck and my shoulder, and my eyes rolled back, a soft breath leaving my mouth. His right hand left my waist to sneak inside my shirt, and his fingers splayed over my abdomen, over my scar. It was my turn to tense now.

His lips stopped, and he looked at me again, searching. Then, he looked down at the hand still inside my clothes, and then back to my eyes. And then he kneeled.

He lifted my shirt, stopping just under my chest, and looked at it. The pinkish line that remained from the knife wound they gifted me. The one that had taken Domenico several stitches to close. The one that had burned and hurt and bothered me more than my broken arm. The only one whose physical pain mirrored my inside one.

Erwin caressed my scar with his hand, and then, he kissed it. Five times. For the five years that had passed since it happened. Since I knew him.

Then he raised, and his mouth left a trail of kisses again, until it was next to my ear.

‘Eyes to the front, Carlisle, ’ Levi’s voice said suddenly, harsh, poisonous.

I woke up, sitting on my bed, covered in sweat, breathless. I brought a hand to my heart, and the other to my stomach, trying to breathe normally. I jumped out of the bed and paced, concentrating on the chill on my legs, the ground on my feet, pushing away the haze and the sleep. My whole body was burning. I could still feel the hands, the lips.

Confusion spread through my body. Why? Why? Where did that come from?

A soldier obeyed orders. A soldier had nothing on her mind but the fight ahead; she remained focused. Erwin was my commander. He was my friend. And these feelings, this fire and this need… They couldn’t be. I couldn’t let them be. Erwin was my friend. This was wrong. I couldn’t want him.

I needed air. I needed to focus.

I got dressed and exited the room.

******

‘Again! You have to use the trees as cover, you wait too long to attack' shouted Levi from behind me.

Gunther and Eld brought up the next titan, a couple of meters forward. I attacked its nape sharply, angrily, almost getting to the cardboard below. Too deep. My blades fell. Shit. Shit. Shit.

Focus.

Instinct takes over, my senses catching every sound. Once I saw from the corner of my eye the three-meter dummy, I fixed my sight on its nape. Fast, lethal, I cut it, don’t look back to see if it fell, to see how deep the cuts were. I continue. Next objective. Focus. Looking for the next dummy, looking for the feeling of the blades meeting the false skin.

Next time, I attacked before the dummy was even halfway up. I just did it, I plummeted down, letting gravity take me, letting the wind meet with my messed-up mind, taking away everything that doesn’t belong there. I did a clean cut, but too deep, again. My blades fell to the ground. I grabbed the last pair. Just when I was going higher again, Levi appeared in front of me.

‘Down. Now’

I descended until my feet touched the ground. The Captain walked my way, annoyance radiating off of him.

‘What the fuck was all that?’, he pointed behind him.

‘What do you mean? I killed all of them’

‘Did you? Really? Because if this had been a real battle, you would’ve killed a bunch of titans but lost two pairs of blades. You are not here. Where are you?’

His questions triggered the images in me again. Kisses, strong hands, my name like a warning, blue eyes, strong shoulders. A man on his knees. Wrong. But still, heat spreads through me.

‘I don’t fucking mind where you are. When you are training, you are here, and the only voice inside your mind is mine. The only thing that matters is those dummies, and you take them like they are real threats. If you are going to be in my squad, you focus. You focus because if this had been a real battle, your comrades’ lives are in your hands’

His last words hit hard, like a punch. I get closer to him, my fists clenching.

‘You think I don’t know, Captain?’ I spit his title. ‘You think that just because I’m from the Garrison, I don’t know what it means to lead a team? To lose one? Some people don’t need to risk their lives outside to know loss in the hands of monsters. Don’t assume things about me you don’t fucking know’

He held my gaze, grey eyes pounding inside the doors of my mind, trying to read deeper into my words.

‘I’m sorry if I have offended you,’ he said, slowly. ‘But my words remain true. Sort your stuff out and come back tomorrow as you did yesterday. Training’s finished for today’

We arrived at nightfall. Perfect for dinner time. I could feel Petra’s eyes on me, worried, but I didn’t dare look at her. She was so much like Stefan. And he always got me to talk. He would’ve insisted on telling him whatever was bothering me, that it was important for me to talk to someone, that it helped. And perhaps, if it had been any other thing, I would’ve looked at Petra and told her everything, even if Levi was ahead of us, or even if the boys were behind. Because perhaps I wanted to trust her. I just couldn’t. Once I said it out loud, it would become a thing, and I couldn’t let that happen.

‘Why does it bother you so much?’ A part of me was asking. ‘Why is it consuming your thoughts and getting in the way of your training?’ Because the first and last time I had felt like this was with Oliver, and now he was dead.

Because it wasn’t the feeling itself that bothered me. Had it been with any other soldier, it wouldn’t have mattered. Feeling desire was nothing strange. What scared me was what came after. It had started this way with Oliver. I started to see him differently, noticing when he was too close, my skin tingling every time he touched me casually, a look longer than usual, my warm cheeks every time he flirted with me. And then something deeper came with it, something more.

The moment I saw him, dead, on that metallic table, I had to understand that he was gone. I wouldn’t see him laugh anymore, or talk with him, or feel him. My friends were gone too. There was no one left to pick my heart up and tell me it would be okay, no one who knew them and was able to understand the way I felt empty inside, to understand how the pain was consuming me. Every day, I looked out of the window and wondered how the world could still be going forward when mine had stopped.

I swore that love would be out of the equation. Caring about people was not an option. I didn’t want to feel like that again. I couldn’t risk it.

If I didn’t care, it couldn't hurt me.

Then, one day, I forced myself to look anywhere that wasn’t that window. And I found him. I knew he had been coming to see me every day. He just sat there and waited, and when night fell, he bid me goodnight and left. Every day. For a month. Perhaps it was that, even after the promise I made to myself, I still needed someone. Or perhaps it was that he had been there, and I hadn’t been completely alone. But when I began speaking, and showed him my heart, he took the pieces and he fixed it. And when he found missing pieces, he gave them to me.

That was the first time I broke a promise when I allowed him in. Still, there were always barriers. First, he was Commander Smith. An ally. Then, he was Erwin Smith. Finally, he was just Erwin. And each time my perception of him changed, I cursed myself for my stupidity. Why did I insist on doing this to myself? But he was all I had. He was all I could ever have.

But now… I can’t afford to let it go further. Because, regardless of his feelings, if they are shared or not, if I accepted this, if I embraced it, pain was all that waited for me on the other side. Either pain because my feelings weren’t returned, or because I lost him like I did with Oliver.

So yes, it was consuming my every thought this fight against myself. So yes, it was a big deal. Because loving someone as a friend and wanting them as something more were boundaries I had crossed before.

Back at Trost, Petra’s voice brought me back to the present.

‘Don’t worry about today’s training. Tomorrow will go better. Captain Levi can be a bit intense at times. But I promise it’s worth it’

Even though that wasn’t what was on my mind, I thanked Petra.

‘Yeah, well, I didn’t sleep very well tonight. That might have been the reason’

Petra nodded, understanding.

We had already finished eating, and I was half listening to a conversation that Gunther and Eld were having about Gunther’s sister, who was going to marry next month, when I noticed that Oluo and some others began pushing the tables to the sides.

‘What are they doing?’ I asked Petra.

‘Oh, don’t mind them. They like to do sparring some nights after dinner, they even have some kind of competition or bet dynamic going on’

‘And the Commander approves this?’

‘It took Mike a week to convince him’

Once the tables were moved to the sides, the soldiers formed a circle. In the middle, Oluo and Mike, with their jackets off, looked at each other and adopted a fighting stance. Petra and I moved until we were in the first line. Hange got between the two of them, eyes shining with delight.

‘Welcome to today’s matches!' she said, excited. 'First, we have Oluo and Mike. The first one to be immobilised on the ground loses. No weapons allowed, please! Let the match begin!’

The crowd erupted then, raising their hands like crazy.

‘Mike is the best fighter of the Scouts,’ Petra tried to tell me above the noise, ‘Though I have a feeling Captain Levi could best him if he participated’

Of course, Levi wouldn’t be a part of this. I looked at the crowd, trying to find those steely eyes of his, but he seemed to be nowhere near.

Mike circled Oluo, studying him. I wondered what he would choose, up or down? Knock him out with a punch or bring him down by the waist? A personal favourite of mine was the punches. So much more satisfying.

Finally, Mike went for Oluo’s torso, but Oluo dodged him. Mike, though, thought faster, or maybe he already knew what Oluo's answer was going to be, because he brought his left fist back and punched Oluo in the face. Blood began coming out of his nose, staining his shirt. But Mike, instead of waiting for his opponent to recover, punched him on his other cheek, knocked the air out of his lungs with a nudge on his ribs and, finally, pushed him until a very aching Oluo was on the floor, coughing and fighting to breathe.

Gunther and Eld made their way into the circle and helped him out. Gunther was shaking his head disapprovingly. Hange appeared again, her voice raising impossibly above the others.

‘Looks like we have a winner! Who is next?’

Suddenly, a couple of hands raised.

‘I thought the matches were already scheduled,’ I said to Petra.

‘No, just the first one. Then, it's only volunteers’

Mike looked around him, assessing his rivals. His dirty blond hair was messy from the fight, and sweat was already on his brow.

‘Come on, you old bastards are the same as always! I want someone new!’

Everyone roared, but the hands were still in the air. Finally, Mike stopped, looking directly at me.

‘Alayna Carlisle, Levi’s new elite member. What do you say, uh? Care to show us what you’ve got?’

I shook my head. No.

‘Oh, come on! Hey guys, I think Alayna here is a bit nervous, how about we cheer her up a bit!’

Everyone was looking at me, their faces contorted while screaming my name.

Unnoticed. Unremarkable. Forgettable. That was what I should be. Not the centre of attention of the entirety of the Scouts.

‘Leave her alone, Mike. She doesn’t want to, go pick another’, was saying Petra.

‘Just give it a try, Alayna!’ said Mike, not hearing what Petra just said, and having a sip from a green bottle.

Oliver’s voice came to me, like he was beside me, like I had turned back time.

‘Hey, Alayna, fight against me, come on. I need to practise’

‘No way, ’ I had said. But the truth was, Oliver was better than me in hand-to-hand combat, and I could use whatever he could teach me.

‘We’ll make a bet, ’ he said, trying to lure me in. ‘If you win, I’ll do your chores for a week’

‘And what’s in for you?’

He seemed to think for a moment, and then a wicked smile spread through his lips.

‘If I win, you marry me’

‘What? Are you crazy? Of course not!’

‘Why?’

‘Well, first of all, because we are sixteen, and we can’t marry. And second, and most importantly, because I don’t like you’

He got closer, forcing me to throw my head back so I could see his face. His wicked smile still on, he whispered, ‘Liar. ’

‘So, last chance, what do you say, Alayna?’, was saying Mike now.

To my right, Petra was trying to convince me that it wasn’t necessary, to just not mind him, to send Mike to hell. But two things happened at the same time.

The first one was my gaze colliding with Levi’s. The second was Oliver’s voice in my ear, ‘Come on, love. Show them what you’ve got’

I turned to Petra and gave her my jacket.

‘I’ll be fine, don’t worry,’ I told her.

Then, while holding Levi’s gaze, I shouted to Mike, ‘I’m in’

Fuck with being unnoticed.

Chapter 10: Alayna

‘That’s the spirit!’ Mike said.

I stepped into the circle, and an arm hugged my shoulders.

‘You better kick his ass, Alayna. I’m betting for you' Hange said to my ear.

‘Aren’t you supposed to be impartial and all that?’

‘Not when Mike is fighting, no, ’ she said with a smile. Then she let me go and, like before, she positioned herself between Mike and me. ‘Same thing as before. No weapons, and the first one to be immobilised on the ground loses. Good luck!’ she winked at me.

Well, it was nice having people on your side.

I focused on Mike and his fighting stance. I mirrored him.

Now, the important part about a good fight was watching your opponent. When he fought Oluo, he attacked first, which was wise, as he had a strategy in place. Mike had known Oluo would dodge him because it was the very first answer that came to mind when someone went for your torso or your legs. But he had a punch reserved so that Oluo couldn’t counterattack.

Oliver had taught me that either attacking or defending was a good position for a skilled fighter. If you attacked first? You controlled the fight. But only if you were skilled enough to block any answer your opponent had waiting. If not, it could be seen as impatience and stupidity. It all depended on the opponent's skill.

On the other hand, waiting for the attack wasn’t an option for someone without skill. Mainly because when someone attacked you first, you had to think about two things in advance. The first one, what your answer would be, and the second, what your opponent's answer would be. It was a fight to win, but it was also a fight for dominance, to see who would lead the dance.

Something important when deciding which role to play at the beginning was your opponent. Who were you seeing, but who was the other person seeing. Mike was as tall, or even a bit more, than Erwin. He was strong, seemed to be skilled and heavy. Mike was seeing me. A short woman, in her twenties, and from the second least exciting military force behind the walls. I wasn’t going to attack first; he was.

So, now that that was clear, I had to think about his attack. With Oluo, it had been the torso, which was okay, given that both probably shared the same weight, even if not the same height. Mike wouldn’t go for the punches with me because I was shorter, and I could just dodge them. No, he would go for the legs. He knows that my height works in my advantage, so he will take my speed from me by attacking my legs and then try to lift me to put me down however he wanted. So, if he goes down, I go up.

It seemed Mike was a wise opponent, and not at all a brute, because he took his time to think about this. But perhaps he didn’t think too much about what my exact answer would be.

He charged against me, coming clearly for my legs. If he goes down, I go up. Once he was almost touching me, I pushed myself on his shoulders in a handstand that unbalanced him and brought him to the ground on his knees. With another push and arching my back, I was back on my feet. But he was fast. When I turned, he was already on me. But he had forgotten where he was aiming at, because he went up. So I went down. A kick in the stomach, another in his groin that made his legs come together and lose balance, and, finally, kicking with my leg, hard on the spot, a little above his heels. He went down backwards. Mike stayed struggling on the floor, with one hand to his stomach and the other to his intimate parts.

The tables had turned.

As soon as Mike touched the floor, the crowd erupted in screaming, cheering, clapping, shouting, and money being passed from one hand to the other. Everyone was going crazy. Hange appeared by my side again.

‘That was amazing!’ she sang, her cheeks flushed with excitement. ‘Alayna Carlisle, y’all! Who’s going to be her next opponent?’

‘Oh, no, Hange, it was just this one. I’m off’ I shook my head.

‘What? But you can’t, look at them!’

‘No, Hange, really. Thanks for the offer’, I said. One fight had been enough. It had been fun, for old times’ sake.

I headed back to Petra, who wore a proud expression, while cheering turned into booing and screams of ‘Fight another!’ or ‘Please, I need my money back, do another!’.

I heard Hange behind me.

‘What- Levi, what are you doing?’

The room went dead silent. I stopped walking and turned.

Levi was inside the circle, his jacket already off, and was rolling up the sleeves of his grey shirt, his gaze locked on me.

‘I’m in, ’ he simply said.

The room exploded. In the chaos, his grey eyes were like a magnet. Everyone was moving, screaming, and gesticulating, but he remained undisturbed, like a statue. Excitement started bubbling in my stomach.

Hange was asking me something. I ripped my gaze from Levi.

‘What?’

‘I asked if you were in?’

I looked at Levi again and nodded.

‘Yeah’

Hange’s expression turned wicked, the light of the place reflecting on her glasses, hiding her eyes, and she began to rub her hands together.

She placed herself between the two of us and repeated the rules for a third time. And then it was only Levi and me.

If we had been strangers and I didn’t know anything about this man, I would’ve still known that he was skilled. Only a highly trained fighter waited for the attack with such peace. But I could still sense it, the tension on his body, how his feet were grounded, in case I went for his legs. If we had been strangers, I would’ve known either way that this man was dangerous.

This wasn’t going to be as easy as it had been with Mike. Levi was unreadable. It was my turn to attack.

Levi was my height, perhaps a finger or two taller than me, so there was no way to take that to my advantage like with Mike. Because of the ODM gear, he had strong arms, so it would probably be better to go for the legs. I had a feeling this was going to be one of those fights Oliver told me about.

‘This only works in theory, you know, ’ he told me once, ‘One day you’ll look at an opponent and find nothing to anticipate how the fight will turn. Nothing about them will reveal what they are thinking. And that is the day you rely only on your instincts. You let your body do the work’

I tensed my legs and ran to him. When I was close enough, I threw my right leg in, and he blocked it with his arms, like it was nothing, but that was just a distraction. Embracing the momentum the run had given me, I brought my other leg up and kicked him in the chest, pushing him backwards and unbalancing him. The soldiers behind him in the circle stepped back to leave him room.

I didn’t give him time to recover; I went on again, this time aiming for his face with my fist. But he was too fast; he ducked sideways, and my fist cut through the air. He positioned himself behind me and punched me on my right shoulder, the one he knew was injured. Bastard.

I turned around and rolled to the floor when his foot came flying for my side. As fast as light, from the ground, I kicked him hard in the ribs and then rolled again and aimed for his stomach. But he jumped backwards, as I had done with Mike, his hands meeting the ground, back arching and pushing himself back until his feet touched the ground again.

This time, we met each other in the middle. And after that, it was like Oliver had told me once. Pure instinct. There was nothing more than our bodies, dodging, aiming, kicking. Fighting. Dancing. A lethal dance where the other’s pain was the reward, and yours was your loss. Those grey eyes, like steel, like weapons, were the only things that existed. The man was a weapon himself. He moved with grace, like it were effortless. We moved and collided, lightning striking each time our skins touched.

Suddenly, I threw in a kick, and instead of dodging it, he grabbed my leg and yanked me forward, towards him, unbalancing me and bringing me backwards against the ground. But with the same speed he had used to grab me, he used his other arm to grip my waist, making my body collide against his, preventing me from hitting the ground. Instinctively, I brought one arm around his neck, and the other grabbed his sleeve.

Heat crept up my neck.

I was suddenly very aware of my body. His fingers splayed in my thigh, strong, powerful. Perhaps he’d leave a mark, but he wasn’t hurting me. My chest and belly pressed against his, immobilised by the hand at my waist. If I wanted, our noses would be touching. His breath and mine mingled in the middle.

‘Having fun, Captain?’, I said, barely a whisper, only for him to listen.

‘Very’

Suddenly, the hand at my waist disappeared, and he grabbed my other leg. The next thing I knew was that my back was touching the floor, and he was on top of me, my legs at both his sides, his hands holding my wrists in place above my head. I felt dizzy. He just looked at me.

If he thought he had won, he was wrong. Never leave the legs unattended when you have someone on the floor.

I gave them impulse and surrounded his neck with them, bringing him down backwards and turning the tables. Now I was the one on top of him. And I made damn sure he couldn’t move.

The cheering around us brought me back to reality. I got off of him and back on my feet. I offered him a hand and, to my surprise, he took it. I heard Hange walking to us, saying something excitedly, but I wasn’t listening, because Levi nodded, the ghost of a smirk on his lips. It wasn’t a full smile, or even a tiny one. But it was enough. Because I had fought against Captain Levi, and I had won. So a chuckle came out of me, and I smiled. Adrenaline still in my veins, the thrill of the fight inside my body. He stepped closer.

‘Don’t get used to it, ’ he said before turning and leaving.

I turned too, looking for Petra. I found her head still at the front line of the circle, screaming my name and clapping, her eyes shining. A familiar presence stood behind her.

Erwin.

Had he been there all this time?

He looked deep in thought, his fingers slightly grazing his lips. But his gaze was fixed on me, intense, the blue depths of his eyes threatening to swallow me whole.

The flashes came again, of his mouth on my neck, his body between my legs, his hands splayed on my waist, the feeling of his skin on my lips, the kisses of his mouth on my scar.

Damn dreams.

Suddenly, Oluo, Gunther and Eld appeared to my sides and blocked my view of Erwin. But, even when he disappeared, I could feel his eyes following me.

Chapter 11: Erwin

Notes:

Hello! Sorry for yesterday! I posted a lot later than I usually do because I struggled a bit with the chapter. But, in case you haven't read chapter 10, go read it! Because today's chapter has spoilers for that one! I really hope you like this one. Thanks for reading!

Erwin Smith was a man of duty.

Distractions didn’t exist for him. His soldiers and his task to discover the truth about the world were all that existed in his reality. That didn’t mean he was a lonely man. Among his soldiers, he had found friends, even if every battle was a risk, and most of them never returned.

Both in his time as captain and in his time as Commander, he had felt the lives that weighed on his hands, and knew, very well, how high the price to pay was if he failed. That’s why he never had a lover, or had decided not to take a wife or have kids, unlike other people in the military, who went home to their families. He had had enough with bringing his soldiers back. To make them live to see another sunrise.

That made your life easy to risk. He was ready to dedicate his heart one last time if it was needed.

At least, he was. Until five years ago.

Erwin hadn’t known when he met her (he couldn’t have) that she would get into his life as suddenly and as abruptly as she had entered the room the day they met. When she burst through the window and fell onto Pixis’ floor.

It seemed impossible for someone with as many injuries as she had to have flown from Wall Sina after escaping her almost murderers. But she had. And even if Erwin hadn’t had that much information from her before she went on sleeping for almost three days due to the medication Domenico had given her to ensure her injuries healed fine, he would’ve known the second he helped her stand up and had seen the fresh blood on her shirt.

There were lots of soldiers behind the walls. But not many truly had the soul of a soldier.

Meeting Alayna had been a point of no return.

For five years, he had gotten to know her, respect her and find a kindred spirit in her. Along five years, comrades had come and gone, but when he arrived back at his office, with more deaths on his conscience and having survived another day, there she was, a shadow in the night, knocking on his window to update him on her investigations. Seeing her had always felt like opening the window and breathing pure air.

Sometimes, when he was riding and alert for any Titan presence, he found himself wondering what she would be doing. It brought him peace. Would she be up on the Walls? Looking in the distance for them -for him? Or would she be walking through the city streets with her team at the Garrison? Perhaps she was with Pixis, having a cup of tea?

That is all he ever allowed her to be: a friend, an anchor, someone dear.

Until a week ago.

He never stayed for the fights. Even though he had refused when Mike first asked him, he thought it was a good idea. It gave the soldiers a distraction from the expeditions. Erwin preferred to work in his office before going to sleep. And he would have done exactly that three days ago, if it had not been for Mike calling Alayna.

Alayna herself had decided that the Garrison would be the perfect hiding place for her. She could have a normal military life without calling too much attention. Pixis and Erwin had agreed with her. Alayna had been sure that attention was the last thing she needed if she wanted to remain alive. That’s why her potential, her abilities and her past had remained hidden. That’s why Erwin had stayed when she had accepted to fight Mike.

But he hadn’t expected Levi to challenge her, or her to accept. He should have gone upstairs and continued working. It was too late now.

Erwin had seen Alayna fight before. But not like that. She was mesmerising. Each kick she threw, each turn, each dodge, each time she rolled to avoid Levi’s attacks. He couldn’t take his eyes off her.

His ruin had been the moment Levi had glued her to him, and Erwin had remembered two nights before, when her fingers had trailed the stupid scars he had on his back. He could still feel them and the tickling of her breath against his skin. A thought had popped into his mind then, a thought that ashamed him and turned him into fire at the same time.

He had wanted to push her against his wardrobe and take her right there and then. He had wanted to see her reaction when he did it, when he grabbed her by the waist and claimed her lips. He had wanted to hear her moan against his mouth while he touched her. But he had contained himself, and the only thing he had done was turn around and take her wrist in his hand, the only touch he had allowed himself to have.

Erwin had tried to forget about it. He had been tired after all, and her touch had been the most intimate thing he had felt in a long time. Everyone had a slip now and then, even if this was his first time. And, when he had seen her that day from afar, eating with her new comrades, he had been convinced that what had happened was something meaningless.

He should’ve returned to his office when she won against Mike.

Because when Levi and her were glued, his fingers on her tight, his other arm around her waist, and her, clinging to him to prevent falling, Erwin had pictured himself being the one to hold her like that. And when Levi had her pinned to the ground, Erwin had pictured himself being on top of her, between her legs, and watching how she arched her back, asking for more. And when Alayna had been the one on top…

Erwin had tried to stop the images. But it was like something had been sleeping inside of him, and, once awake, it wasn’t willing to go back.

Then Alayna had smiled, triumphant, and his breath had been knocked out of his lungs. He had wanted to kiss her smile. Erwin had pictured himself making his way to her, kissing that smile of hers, then taking her to his room and staying there forever. To hell with the expeditions, the titans and the walls. He just wanted to exist in her smile.

Alayna had found him, then, looking at her from the crowd. She looked beautiful, radiant, with her messed-up ponytail, her skin shining with sweat, her fiery soul all over her features.

‘Where did Pixis have her hidden?’ had said Mike then, appearing at his side, a hand still to his abdomen. ‘She’s one hell of a fighter. When Levi finishes training her, the Titans won’t have a chance, I’m sure’

Erwin knew it. Alayna was a soldier to her very bones, much more capable without training than half the veterans the Scouts had. He also knew one day she would go out of the Walls, and fate would take care of the rest.

From that night, Erwin had tried to forget it, to avoid her. A week later, he would go to Sina to attend to some matters with the other military leaders, and it would be easier to sort out this nonsense of his. But until then, he didn’t trust himself around her. He found himself looking at the door at night, waiting for her to slip in. And when he went to bed, the nightmare began before he even closed his eyes. In the loneliness of the night, those damn images were the only thing playing in his mind. Alayna plagued his dreams.

The night before leaving for Sina, when he thought torture would only last for a couple of hours more, there was a knock on his window. He was ashamed of himself when he almost ran to open it.

Alayna came inside, her ODM gear on her body, wearing her black uniform, the one she used to move with when she went outside at night. Her hair, usually in a ponytail, was now loose. Once her feet were on the floor, she looked up at him, a silly smile spreading on her lips and the unmistakable signs of alcohol in the light of her eyes.

‘Where do you come from?’ Erwin asked, making his way to his preferred armchair, trying to put as much distance as he could from her.

‘Pixis invited me to drink tea, ’ she said, while she took her ODM gear off and left it on the floor.

‘And you couldn’t go to your room?’

‘No. I discovered recently that Captain Levi’s room is above mine, and I didn’t want him to see me’

She took off her boots.

‘Besides, I’m a little drunk, I might make some noise’

Erwin raised his brow.

‘Didn’t you have tea?’

Alayna started making her way towards him. Erwin was not a man of religion, but he prayed to whoever wanted to listen that she sat on the armchair in front of him, at a safe distance.

‘Yes, that was first. But you know Pixis. He offered me something stronger and… a couple of drinks later, here I am' she shrugged.

Erwin almost cursed when he noticed she was heading directly to him and his armchair. He was gripping the armrests so hard, he was sure he would leave a mark. Alayna stepped in front of him, ignorant of his struggle. With a yawn, she got into his lap, her legs at both sides of him, and her hands went to rest on his shoulders. Erwin’s control was hanging by a thread.

‘That bastard,’ she was saying. ‘I should’ve guessed he would try to get me drunk’

‘Alayna,’ Erwin said, slowly, trying to control the panic in his voice, ‘what are you doing?’

She made a confused expression and tilted her head, leaving exposed the side of her neck. Erwin pointed to where their bodies met. She gave him a little smile when she realised.

‘Oh, yeah. I just wanted to see you. It’s been a week since I last saw you. It's weird because we live in the same place’, she made a funny expression.

Into the mixture of feelings Erwin was having in that moment, guilt made its way towards him. Alayna was still his friend. Even if he could not be near her right now.

Alayna moved on his lap. Erwin thought that perhaps someone was punishing him for his sins. That must’ve been, because then, she took his hands, and, without asking, placed them on her hips, and buried her face in his neck as one of her hands went to his chest. Her lips grazed his skin, and he almost rolled his eyes back from the contact. He felt miserable.

‘Don’t you have training with Levi tomorrow?’

She groaned, the sound muffled against his skin.

‘Yes. And he’s going to kill me if I’m not there on time. But I can’t go to my room. It’s too risky,’ she pointed to herself. ‘I’m drunk, ’ she whispered.

If this had been a normal night, he would’ve found her funny. But this wasn’t a normal night.

‘Alayna,’ he said. ‘I’m leaving tomorrow for Sina’

She raised, looking into his eyes, confused.

‘What do you mean you leave for Sina?’

‘It will be just a couple of days, meetings and all’

She nodded.

‘Okay’

A beat.

‘You can stay here if you like. I’ll wake you up tomorrow’

She nodded again. Her gaze was on his lips. He held his breath.

Like she had done more than a week ago, she brought her hand to him, and touched his lips, then grazed his jaw, like she was studying it. And, finally, her lips began coming closer to his. So much that he could feel her breath. Temptation burned him. She was there, and she was going to kiss him. But she was drunk, and probably not thinking straight. And he was her friend and her Commander.

He scooped her in his arms and placed her on the sofa. She didn’t seem to mind, because she made herself comfortable in it and, seconds later, fell asleep.

Erwin looked at her. His friend and his ruin.

Torture. A torture designed specifically for him.

Chapter 12: Author's note

Notes:

Please read this note, thanks!

Hello!

Just a quick note: there won’t be a new chapter today. I’ve taken the day to plan and map out the story moving forward.

That said, tomorrow there will be an update. I just needed a bit of time to give the next chapter the care and intention it deserves. I’m really excited about what’s coming.

As always, thank you so much for reading. If you have any thoughts or comments, I’d love to hear them.

I promise—tomorrow, you’ll have a new chapter.

Chapter 13: Alayna

Notes:

To the person who decided to leave a comment on yesterday’s note telling me to “get a job” -let me be clear.

You don’t know me. You don’t know what I do with my time, whether I work, study, or manage a schedule that allows me to post daily because I organise myself that way. You saw something you didn’t understand -someone doing something they love, consistently and publicly -and you decided it needed to be shut down. That’s not just petty. It’s sad.

This isn't just about me. Your comment is an insult to every person who creates stories out of love: fanfiction writers who spend hours building stories around their favourite characters, writers on platforms like AO3 and Wattpad who post original work just because they can. Some of the most brilliant, heartfelt, and unforgettable stories I’ve read live only in fanfiction archives -and many have later been published as originals. But even those that stay online? They matter. They stick with people. They count.

I've been in the fanfiction world for almost ten years. I’ve seen how much joy, healing, escape, and inspiration it brings. So if you think the only way a person can contribute to the world is by having a job -or that being paid is the only way to feel like you’re doing something of value, then I genuinely feel sorry for you. What a boring, closed-off way to live.

I write because I love reading, creating, imagining, and sharing stories. That’s it. That’s the reason. And I don’t owe anyone an explanation for how I choose to spend my free time -especially not someone so bitter they feel the need to tear down others just for doing something joyful.

So, no. I won't stop. I won’t slow down. I’ll keep writing, keep posting, and keep loving every second of it.

And to the rest of you -the ones who do get it:
Here’s the chapter, just like I promised. I hope you like it.

‘I think today’s training went excellently. Perhaps you’ll be ready to come with us on the next expedition' said Petra.

Captain Levi didn’t answer, but he didn’t deny the possibility.

It was true that training had gone surprisingly good today, given that my head was going to explode at any given moment and hurt like hell. All thanks to Pixis. I hadn’t thought of actually having a drink with him, but when I had opened the door to his office to pay him a very quick visit, he had insisted on making me tea. And then he had taken the liquor out of his cupboard… well, to say I was a bit tipsy was an understatement.

So, I had woken up in Erwin’s office with a huge headache, two hours before I was supposed to. Erwin had been asleep, head resting on his hand, his long legs stretched in front of him, and a peaceful expression on his face. Memories from last night came to mind as soon as my eyes roamed through the room. I almost slapped myself.

I remember getting to the base and coming straight here, knocking on his window, there it was, my ODM gear on the floor, my boots too, and… My body was suddenly hot, ashamed. It couldn’t be true. I had sat on his lap? Then I remembered his hands on my waist and the need to kiss him, to feel him. But he had rejected me and placed me here.

I had to get out of here before he woke up.

I gathered my things and, giving him a last look to make sure he wasn’t awake, I slipped through the door and walked the silent corridors until I was safely hidden inside my room.

I knew that, if I went to bed again, I would probably sleep through the day, so I got dressed and headed to the infirmary in search of something that could help with the headache.

The Scout’s doctor, Andreas, was around Erwin’s age. He was sitting at his table writing something down when I got to the infirmary. He looked up and raised his brows.

‘Good morning, Miss Carlisle, anything I can do for you?’ he said.

‘I’ve got a headache, ’ I simply said. I felt a little childish, to be honest, but it was impossible to think straight with the pounding inside my head.

Andreas nodded and got up from his table. He went through a door in the back of the room and returned with a little bottle with red liquid inside.

‘This should suffice for now,’ he said. ‘If it persists, come see me again’

I took the bottle from his hand and thanked him before going downstairs for breakfast.

The medicine had done its effect; at least the pain had diminished a bit, enough to make training bearable.

Even if Petra hadn’t told me, I too expected my training to come to an end soon. Last week, Levi had made me work outside the forest too, so I could learn how to manage in open areas with little to use my ODM gear on. As we didn’t have any real-life titans, and the dummies were not enough for this type of combat, it was mostly theory. We had also trained as a team, so I could be introduced to the dynamics.

Levi, though, was unreadable. I supposed that the fact that his corrections were nonexistent now was a good thing. Still, since our fight, we hadn’t talked more than mere formalities here and there.

After lunch, I headed to my room, ready to sleep the rest of the day, but just when I was going to change into something more comfortable, someone knocked on the door. With a groan, I dragged myself to open it. Petra was on the other side.

‘Captain Levi wants all of us to go into town for some shopping. He expects us downstairs in five minutes' she said.

My ears must’ve been affected by my headache, because I didn’t think I heard okay.

‘What do you mean shopping’ I deadpanned.

‘Well, as you know, Levi likes to keep the base very clean. He also supervises what products and tools are used for that. Once in a while, we go into town and help him out. Well, it's more of an order than a favour, but it's nice’

Oh, I knew about his cleaning schedules. Since I had arrived, I had been assigned a couple of them. Oluo told me that, as there were many soldiers in the base, your turn to clean whatever Levi had assigned you was once a week. I had been assigned cleaning duty in the mess hall for three days now. Eld was convinced that it was just Levi messing with me because I was new, but that, eventually, I would have a normal schedule.

I doubted it. Levi didn’t seem the type to do this type of joke.

I looked at Petra and nodded, asking her to give me a minute to change and clean myself, given I was still dirty from training.

I met the others on the patio, just behind the main gates, and Levi joined us right after.

The Captain was at the front, leading us through the streets, and stopping here and there to buy whatever he needed, then handing it to Oluo to store it inside the sack he was carrying.

The streets were always full at this time of the day. I remember doing patrols around here, checking everything was okay. Conflicts between merchants or between merchants and customers could happen at any given moment. Punches and kicks were thrown lightly when that happened, and it was the Garrison soldiers' turn to intercede. Being a Scout gave you another perspective.

Petra and I talked as we walked. She wanted to know more about myself, my time with the Stationary troops, and my family. It was easy talking with her, even if what I could tell her was half the truth. I told her about the Carlisles, about my step-brothers and sisters, about my old squad at the Garrison. And she told me about her youth, her father, how happy she was to be in Levi's squad and how she hoped to be Captain herself one day. She also told me she had wanted to join the Scouts from the beginning, because that had been the whole reason for her to enrol on the military.

While Levi was looking at some soaps in a nearby stand, Petra and I reached the boys. They were talking about going to drink something later (my stomach growled in answer, clearly not agreeing), when I turned my head left and saw a stall full of rings. Instinctively, I checked my ring finger, only to find it empty.

I made my way there and stopped, looking at all the different stones, shapes and materials. I had always found proposal rings to be beautiful. Wedding rings were pretty because they symbolised a union, a bond. But the proposal ring symbolised love. They were shiny and beautiful, like love was, and the stone you chose for them was the reflection of the feelings two people shared for each other. It was also very intimate, because another person chose it for you. It was a way of saying: This is how I see us.

I looked down at my hand, almost expecting to see the golden band and red stone that once shone there. But I only found emptiness.

To my side, a young man was torn between two rings. He was talking with the man who seemed to run the stall. The boy’s cheeks were red, and his eyes were shining.

‘I’m going to ask her tomorrow,’ he was saying. ‘I’ve known her for a year, but I already know she is the person I want to spend the rest of my life with’

Between his two options, a beautiful silver ring with a blue stone, and a golden one with a green stone. He chose the silver.

I had known Oliver for three years.

‘Golden and red,’ he had said, as he slipped the ring on my finger, his eyes shining with excited tears, ‘Fire’s colours, like the one you light up my world with, love’

Sometimes, when I was deep in thought, I found myself checking my finger, still feeling the ring’s ghost. It had been empty for four years.

I felt the tears burn behind my eyes.

‘Beautiful, aren’t they?’ the man said, his attention to me now that the young man was gone. ‘Thinking of buying one for your beautiful woman, sir?

I looked in the direction the seller was, and found Levi at my side, looking at the rings. He then looked at me. I turned my head before he could see my teary eyes.

‘Oh, no, we are not together, ’ I told the man. ‘He’s just my captain’

‘Sorry, I meant no offence, ’ the man said, a hand to his chest.

‘No offence taken, please. The rings… they are beautiful,’ I said. I wanted to add more, wanted to tell that man that once I had worn one as beautiful as the ones he was selling, that it had been the second most precious thing I had had, because the first one had been a boy with green eyes. But I simply bid him good afternoon and turned, Levi beside me, returning to the others, who were walking down the street, talking animatedly.

We stayed in silence for a couple of minutes.

‘Where did you learn to fight like that?’ he said, taking my thoughts away from the rings.

The question surprised me. It had been a week since the fight happened. I would’ve expected him to ask sooner. I turned my head to him, but his gaze was fixed on the front.

‘One of my friends, when I was a cadet, was very good at hand-to-hand combat, and he helped me. He taught me more than the instructors ever did. Then it was just practice, I guess'

Not entirely a lie.

‘Where is he now?’

‘He died a few years ago’

I turned my head so he couldn’t see my face.

I never talked about any of them. Only once, to Erwin, because I needed to tell him to be able to ask for his help. That was the last time I spoke of them out loud. The last time their names escaped my mouth. Until now. That didn’t mean I didn’t think about them constantly.

‘What was his name?’, Levi asked, in such a soft tone it shocked me. I could feel his gaze, but, for the first time, it wasn’t assessing me or studying me.

‘Oliver. His name was Oliver Wilson’

I thought that he was going to ask something about Oliver, about how he had died. But, instead, he said, ‘I’m sorry. I lost dear friends of mine in the past, too’

I looked at him. His features had hardened, like he was containing something inside him.

‘I’m sorry too’

‘Why did you accept joining the Scouts?’ he said. ‘You know it's a fight against death every time we go out there. Why choose the pain?’

He was looking at me like I was a puzzle he was trying to solve. Maybe it was because he had offered me a piece of him. Or maybe it was because I was tired of lying lately. But I offered him a piece of truth.

‘Pain is a constant in my life, Captain. It has always kept me moving. It’s the unknown of what will come when it disappears that scares me’

Before he could add anything more, shouting began at my back.

‘Captain! Captain Carlisle!’ voices screamed.

I turned. Four people were coming my way, running. Four soldiers from the Garrison. I recognised them immediately. How could I not? I had spent three years with them.

Running ahead was Noa, with her eyes slightly painted and impeccable uniform. Behind her was Gwyneth, with short ginger hair and a huge smile, already a bit breathless from the run. And behind them, avoiding colliding with the citizens, Ronald and Wilfred, taller than the last time I’d seen them.

‘We weren’t sure it was you!' said Gwyn when they finally caught up to us.

‘It’s good to see you guys. How are things going?’, I said.

My friends, my squad in the Military Police, had been my family, my brothers and my sister. But these soldiers were my kids. They had been assigned to me when they were cadets and had been under my responsibility for three years.

‘Good! Well, boring patrols and not much action except when Mr Lovelly argues in the middle of the street with Mr Santos, but that’s it’

‘The other day Mr Lovelly punched Santos in the face!’ said Ronald, his face lighting up with excitement.

‘Oh yeah, that was a hell of a punch, ’ answered Wilfred, matching his friend's excitement. Those two were inseparable.

‘Captain,’ Noa said, ‘I didn’t have the opportunity to thank you for naming me your successor. It’s an honour’

I smiled at her.

‘Nonsense, you deserve it, Noa. And, please, don’t call me Captain. That title does not belong to me anymore. In fact,’ I turned to where Levi was, still at my side, perhaps a bit closer than before, ‘I want to introduce you to my current captain, Captain Levi of the Scouts'

The reaction was instantaneous. A lot of people heard about Captain Levi and his elite squad. But not many of them knew how he looked or who he was. So, the reaction was always the same.

The four of them got as straight as one would if the Commander-in-Chief, Darius Zackly, were to appear right now. Hands to their hearts and eyes to the front. Levi’s expression was a mixture of horror and amusement. He raised a brow and looked at me. I was, in fact, very amused.

‘It's an honour to meet you, Captain Levi, ’ said Noa.

‘Hey, ’ said Ronald suddenly, breaking his military salute, ‘how come you are not captain, Alayna?’

‘Well, the Scouts work differently from the Garrison. Besides, I haven’t been on any expedition yet. Now, get going, or you’ll be in trouble with Section Commander Jones'

‘Yes, Captain!’ they all said in unison.

They waved one last time before turning around and running away. Levi and I continued walking.

‘You were made captain very soon, it seems, ’ he said, suspicious again.

‘Pixis named me himself’

‘And?’ he said, raising a brow.

‘And I guess you’ll have to ask him to know his reasons, Captain’

We looked at each other, like it was a competition. His eyes seemed to be saying: Whatever secret you are hiding, I’ll discover it.

I believed him. A part of me was waiting for it. The truth could only be held so long.

Chapter 14: Alayna

Five years ago

As graduation drew closer each day, our training days began to come to an end. I often found myself watching my friends, like I wasn’t really there -just looking through a window- thinking that those were the last days we would spend together. I tried to memorise everything I could about them, every detail, every sound. Because memory is a tricky beast.

We met three years ago, and we had all survived the Training Corps. Some comrades left. Others were pushed to the limit and didn’t make it. But we did. Those had been the best years of my life, the ones I knew I would always come back to.

No one ever told us what training was really like. When you enlisted, it looked like a solo journey where you started as a useless cadet and came out as a soldier. We were prepared for loneliness, for failure, for the tears that came when you thought you weren’t good enough and just wanted to go home.

But it wasn’t like that at all. Of course, there was failure at times, and of course, there were tears. The difference was that loneliness didn’t exist. I met people who helped me overcome every disadvantage, who dried my tears. Those people, the ones I sat with at the same table, day after day, were more than comrades or friends. They became family. I felt it in my bones. I recognised them as much.

That’s why, when graduation became a reality, it punched me so hard it knocked the air out of me each time another day flew away.

‘Have you guys thought about what you’re going to choose?’ I asked one day after dinner, when we were all having a stroll, enjoying the warm air at night.

‘I think I’ll join the Military Police like you, Alayna, ’ said Stefan, in his usual quiet voice.

I thought it fitted him, a relaxed life inside the walls. Maybe he’d meet someone. Maybe he’d finally have that family he had always wanted.

Joining the MPs had always been my dream. I loved fighting. Sweating. The exhaustion after a hard day’s training. But protecting the royal family was an honour only the best ten of each promotion got to choose. And I was one of those ten. I had earned it through three years. I was so close I could almost touch it.

‘I’m joining the Scouts, ’ said Frank, fast, like he wanted to get it off his chest.

Silence stretched between us.

‘So, it’s your final choice?’ asked Eliana.

‘Yes’

The reflection of the moon in his glasses -he’d only started wearing them a year ago- hid his eyes.

Even before he told us, some months ago, I had my suspicions.

The more time I spent with my friends, the more I got to know them. And, sometimes, I wondered where they would go once our training was over. I always thought Stefan would fit in the Military Police, or even in the Garrison. About Eliana, I wasn’t so sure. My friend was ruthless, brave and wild. So, a life with the Scouts would fit her. But she always surprised me.

Oliver was a man of action. He liked the thrill of battle as much as I did. So I didn’t see him choosing the Garrison or the Military Police. And Frank… He had always been hungry for knowledge. And knowledge of this world was only found outside the walls. So, yes, for him it had been clear since the beginning.

The problem with choosing the Scouts was that it required risking your life constantly. That’s why, if I had been braver, I would've told him not to go with them. To stay with us. Because getting separated from him was one thing, but having to receive news of your friend’s death… That was an option I couldn’t even consider.

‘And you, Eli?' asked Oliver.

‘I think I’ll join the Garrison, ’ Eliana answered.

‘Are you sure? You’d fit better with the Scouts’

Eliana grimaced, like the idea made her nauseous.

‘No. God, no. Killing titans is not my thing. But I don’t want to be away from the action either’ she just said.

‘I’m joining the Military Police too,’ Oliver said, suddenly.

I looked at him, thinking he was joking.

‘Yeah, sure. You’d be bored two minutes after setting foot in there. No. The Scouts will be lucky to have you both’ I said, looking at him and Frank.

Oliver suddenly stopped walking. When I turned to face him, I saw his expression had shifted.

‘I could never get bored beside you, Alayna, ’ he paused. ‘I won’t join the Scouts because that would mean not spending every minute of my life with you, not waking up beside you, or falling asleep at your side, or not being able to hear your laugh or seeing you smile. I won’t join the Scouts because I don’t want to die without seeing you one last time. I’ll follow you wherever you go, because I don’t want to be anywhere else, Alayna’

Oliver got on one knee. Eliana gasped. Frank cursed. Stefan just smiled like he knew. And of course, he knew.

Oliver opened a small box, something little glimmering inside of it. He was looking at me with frantic eyes, like his life was in my hands. My heart stopped for a second. The whole world went quiet while he swallowed.

‘Alayna, I love you. I loved you from the second you laid your eyes on me, that first day of training. I’ve loved you for three years, and I plan on loving you forever, if you let me. So, tell me, my love, will you marry me?’

Before my mind could catch up with my heart, I said yes. Like the answer was obvious. Like the question was stupid. Like it wasn’t obvious I loved him back, that I was crazy about him, or that knowing he would stay by my side hadn’t filled me with relief.

He slipped a beautiful golden ring on my finger, his eyes filled with tears, and my cheeks already soaked with them.

‘Golden and red. Fire’s colours, the one you light up my world with, my love’

Then he kissed me in a way that I knew no other kiss could ever compare to. It was the type of kiss that carried the soul of the person who kissed you. Like he was saying, ‘Here. I lay my soul bare for you to take. Please, don’t break it’.

And I did the same.

When we separated, still linked by our intertwined hands, our friends surrounded us with hugs and congratulations.

Later, when we were left alone outside the barracks, before we bid each other goodnight, Oliver and I decided that it would be best to marry once we were settled in the Military Police. It wasn’t unusual for soldiers to marry comrades, especially if they served on the same branch. But many changes were waiting for us once we graduated, and we wanted a peaceful wedding, one that we could plan and celebrate properly.

That night, I slept with the ring close to my heart, its warmth like a bedtime song.

Graduation day came, finally. Commanders from the three branches of the military were there: Commander Shadis of the Scouts, Commander Pixis of the Stationary Troops, and Commander Djel Sannes from the Military Police. Among them was also the Commander-in-Chief, Darius Zackly.

First, they started calling the ten best of our promotion. Following my friends, I climbed the stairs to the stage, my heart pounding like crazy inside my chest. Like my parents told me when I left, I held my head high.

When my turn came for Zackly to ask me what branch I wanted to join, I breathed in for a second, feeling like the world was pausing just for me. Like it was saying, ‘Are you sure, child?’. The words got stuck in my throat, lips parted.

‘Are you sure, child?’ the voice in my head kept asking.

Then the world resumed, and I heard myself say, ‘I’ll join the Military Police’

Applause from my comrades followed me as I made my way to my new commander, Djel Sannes. He shook my hand, a proud expression on his face, and congratulated me on my choice. I took my place behind him, waiting for the rest.

In my haze, I remember Loretta Renard choosing the Stationary Troops, and her sister, Clarissa, taking her place with Shadis. Oliver was next, and then Stefan, beside me. Until only Frank and Eliana were left.

When Zackly asked Eliana, I didn’t see a hint of doubt in her eyes.

‘I choose the Military Police’

I froze. Could it be? Had I heard right? She walked over to us with a relaxed expression, taking her place beside Oliver, my fiancé clearly shocked too. Stefan only smiled.

Then it was Frank’s turn. Sadness enveloped me, already anticipating his words. I had pictured this a hundred times: how his feet would take him to Commander Shadis and away from us. How my best friend would finally satisfy his need for knowledge, and how he would explore the world beyond the walls like he had always wanted.

He looked at me from behind his glasses, doubt all over his expression. I frowned, confused. Frank looked toward Shadis, then touched the small notebook he always kept in his pocket. Finally, he turned to Zackly and said:

‘I choose the Military Police’

Eliana cursed. She had never cursed before.

Frank joined us, wearing an uncertain smile, like he was trying to reassure himself and us that he had made the correct choice.

Later that day, when we were being taken to the capital to begin our time as official cadets of the Military Police, I asked him why he had changed his mind.

‘I talked with Commander Sannes last night,’ he said. ‘He wanted to know what we were planning to choose. I told him I was planning to join the Scouts. He said the Military Police was always investigating new Titan-killing weapons based on Scouts' reports, and that I could have a laboratory there, if I wanted' He smiled, then. ‘And he convinced me! Besides, this way, we can all stay together!’

‘What about you, Eliana?’ Oliver asked.

‘Sannes talked to me, too. Said too much talent would be wasted in the Garrison’

We had all been brought to Trost for the ceremony, the same place we’d left three years ago. It struck me as weird that Sannes had reached out to them, tried to influence their decisions. I’d never heard of that happening before. Usually, the choice was supposed to be ours alone.

I could see in Eliana’s face that she was thinking the same.

Chapter 15: Levi

If Kenny had done something right, that was teaching Levi how to kill a man.

Levi sometimes wondered if, had Kenny been his father, he would have learned to swing a knife before he learned to walk. Kenny had taught him to be the bully before being the bullied. And, after he had left him, and Levi had found himself alone in the Underground, with nothing but a full skill set, he had decided he didn't want to be the bully.

Then, he had found Farlan, his first friend. And then, Isabel. They grounded him. Fucking up the merchants' plans and helping out the people of the Underground had been the way he had decided what he would use his abilities for.

When his friends died, Erwin gave him a bigger purpose. Levi had changed, but the things he'd learned, and how he'd learned them, hadn't.

That's why fighting against Carlisle that night had felt like a trip to the past. That's also why he knew that those moves and the way she fought were not something you learned at the Training Corps, even if he hadn't attended. The speed, the precise movements, and the agility that she showed were those you learned from a skilled killer. Still, Levi had to admit, he had fun, even if that proved that Alayna Carlisle was not who she said she was.

After that, Levi had observed her silently from a distance. There wasn't anything strange about the way she moved around the base, the way she talked to the other scouts or anything about her training that stood out to him. It's true that, on that very first day of training, she made excellent use of the ODM gear, and it only improved with each session. Levi suspected that, if she was that good in the forest, she had to be even better inside the city. That, of course, only raised his wariness about her.

He had almost forgotten about it, taking the rhythm of everyday life at the base, when the incident at the market happened.

'Where's Carlisle?' he had asked his subordinates after buying his favourite soap in his usual stall.

Petra had looked at both her sides, suddenly realising that the other girl wasn't with them anymore.

'There, ' Eld said, pointing to a stall on the left.

Levi gave Oluo the soap and, without a word, left. With his eyes fixed on Carlisle, he arrived beside her, but the girl didn't seem to notice. She was looking down at rows and rows of golden and silver rings with shining stones of every colour imaginable.

'Beautiful, aren't they?' the old man who sold them said. And yes, Levi thought so. They were as beautiful as his mother's tea set had been. 'Thinking of buying one for your beautiful woman, sir?'

Carlisle seemed to get out of her stupor and turned to Levi, confused. Once she noticed who was at her side, she turned her head back to the merchant, trying to hide her expression and her eyes. But Levi saw. It wasn't just the tears or the sadness, but grief and desperation. Those were the eyes of a broken heart, of a broken soul.

Like the other day, in the sparring session, Levi felt like he was seeing the true Carlisle, no masks. That didn't mean Carlisle always wore one. Levi knew that when she talked with Petra and Oluo, laughed with Eld or shared a smile with Gunther, she was being genuine. But he could sense the walls, as tall as the ones protecting them from the Titans. He could feel them because they mirrored his. The day of the fighting, though, they had disappeared for a while. And Levi had to admit it, he had been fascinated.

Not this time, though. This time, all he felt was shock.

What could have broken her that much?

He remembered when his mom died, or when he lost Isabel and Farlan. But that type of life, one marked by loss, didn't belong to a girl who had been raised in Sina, who had joined the Garrison and was, obviously, his father's daughter.

'Oh, no, we are not together, ' Carlisle told the seller, her voice thick with emotion she was trying to swallow. 'He's just my captain'

'Sorry, I meant no offence, ' the man said, visibly sorry.

Annoyance filled Levi. Why would Carlisle, of all things, be offended?

'No offence taken, please, ' she answered, 'The rings... they are beautiful'

After a moment, she turned with a goodbye to the seller, who looked at her dearly, like he, too, had seen that sadness in her eyes, and she started walking, Levi at her side.

The others were a bit ahead. Petra, always thoughtful, looked at Levi waiting for them, but the captain made a sign for them to continue walking. Once he was sure that the rest wouldn't hear, he talked, the question burning inside his throat.

'Where did you learn to fight like that?'

He could feel her gaze on him, the curiosity in her eyes grazing his profile.

'One of my friends when I was a cadet was very good at hand-to-hand combat, and he helped me. He taught me more than the instructors ever did. Then it was just practice, I guess'

Levi couldn't control the wave of disappointment that he felt. Another evasive answer, another half-truth, or another lie. Levi knew that a friend didn't train you to kill, at least not a cadet. Levi wanted to confront her right there and then, but he stopped himself.

'Where is he now?'

'He died a few years ago'

Levi looked at her, but she had already turned her head to the other side, hiding her expression once again. There it was, he thought. Her voice, almost breaking, whispering the words. Had she realised that she had whispered them?

'What was his name?' he asked, unsure why he had.

Perhaps because Farlan's and Isabel's faces popped into his mind and he remembered when they died -another number in the Scouts' casualties- and he had wanted to scream their names for everyone to hear. He remembered how he had wanted to talk about them so everybody could remember that, for a fleeting moment, a boy with his hair as blond as the sun -even though no rays ever reached him- and a girl who loved life and animals, had been part of the Scouts.

'Oliver. His name was Oliver Wilson'

The words were out of his mouth before he could stop them:

'I'm sorry. I lost dear friends of mine in the past, too'

A piece of him. He never shared anything about his past. When he joined the Scouts, Erwin had made him realise that he didn't need to. It wasn't necessary to know; it was only necessary that he fought, that he did his job. It had been enough because he was doing what his friends no longer got to do, living above, having the open sky as his only ceiling and being privileged enough to feel the sun's warmth against his skin.

Still, something about Carlisle being in the Scouts didn't make sense. He wanted to ask how that boy, Oliver, died. Was he responsible for the devastation in her eyes? Or was it something more? Why had she agreed to join them, knowing the kind of life they had? Knowing that loss was linked to the Scouts and their families? A sudden rage burned inside of him, deep down. Why would someone voluntarily choose this?

'Why did you accept joining the Scouts? You know it's a fight against death every time we go out there. Why choose the pain?'

Carlisle looked at him with a sad little smile on her lips. Levi tried to decipher her like her expression was the answer to all the questions he had ever asked.

'Pain is a constant in my life, Captain. It has always kept me moving. It's the unknown of what will come when it disappears that scares me'

Levi had wanted to ask more, to know more, to understand her and make her tell him who she was and if it was Oliver's death that caused that pain. But those children from the Garrison had interrupted them, and Levi lost his chance.

Each time he tried to find answers, he was left with more questions.

When the little soldiers -admiration in their eyes when they looked at Carlisle- left, it wasn't the exception.

The numbers didn't make sense. How could she have been made captain with less than three years in the Garrison? How experienced was she to be in charge of a squad? Was this squad the one she referred to that day at training? When she got so angry and offended that Levi truly regretted his words?

Levi looked at her as they walked, all remains of sadness now gone, her walls back up. It infuriated him.

'You were made captain very soon, it seems,' the bitter words left his mouth.

'Pixis named me himself'

Another move from her father? Was Mr Carlisle playing dolls with her daughter? Did that aristocrat think that the military was a dollhouse? Or that the Commanders were puppets? But he didn't ask.

'And?'

'And I guess you'll have to ask him to know his reasons, Captain,' she asked, her words angry.

That was the moment he had decided to do more than keep an eye on her. He would not let her out of his sight if it were possible. Alayna Carlisle was hiding something, and he would discover what it was, because the security of the Scouts was at stake.

Two nights later, when Levi went downstairs for a cup of tea, with his uniform still on, he caught her slipping out of the base. Tea forgotten on the table, he didn't hesitate before following her outside, the warm breeze messing up his hair.

It was easy to keep her in sight through the almost empty streets. They walked for a while, destination unknown, until Levi noticed they were heading to the outskirts of town. Levi tried harder to stay in the shadows, now that he had no people to hide between.

Carlisle, with her flowy skirt behind her and a short coat around her shoulders, her hood covering her head, opened the graveyard's gate and slipped inside. Minutes later, Levi did the same, careful not to make a sound.

Hiding in the dark, the moon as his only source of light, he followed her through the hundreds of graves until she stopped in front of one and kneeled. Levi used a tree as his cover and saw how she took her hood off while she moved her lips, like she was talking to someone, while one of her hands reached for a pendant around her neck, twisting and turning it between her fingers.

She stayed there a couple of minutes more, and then, she stood up, touched the tombstone with the tip of her fingers, like a goodbye, and began walking again, her silhouette like the glow of a ghost in the moonlight. Levi resumed walking too, stopping by the grave she was just visiting to confirm his suspicions. Without losing her out of his sight, he eyed the name there. The tombstone read: Oliver Wilson. 828-846. Loyal soldier to his majesty the King. Your family remembers you. White lilies were resting beside it; they looked fresh.

Levi almost felt bad for following her, like he was being witness to something she had the right to do alone. And, for a moment, he felt stupid too, because what she was doing was not a crime. Visiting a loved one in the middle of the night was not a crime. It was grief. He did it too. The only difference was that he visited them in dreams. Or in nightmares.

Carlisle walked for a couple of minutes more, into another zone inside the graveyard. The tombstones there looked older, less cared for, some of them even broken, already forgotten. Levi wondered what business she could have in this part, who could be buried here for her to remember when most of the names here were unreadable.

Finally, after a long walk, she stopped beneath a distant tree, but she didn't kneel like she had done before. Carlisle just stayed there, looking down at the gravestone, frozen, statue-like. Then, with a sharp movement, she turned on her heel, leaving the tomb behind her, no goodbye, no words, no flowers. She didn't look back.

Once Carlisle was far enough, Levi walked up to the grave. The air there was heavy, suffocating. The tree's shadow made the corner even darker. The grave's aspect was far worse than he had been able to see from afar. The stone was cracked, the word traitor painted in red in different places, and the smell of pee made Levi sick. On the tombstone, it read: Captain Morgan. Nothing more. Just name and rank. No family. No friends. Just 'traitor'.

Why would Carlisle come here? To this grave?

Who was Captain Morgan for her?

Had she been the one to write traitor all over it?

How could she have known the man if the tombstone looked as old as the ones around it?

The sheer incoherence of it all left him speechless. Then again, when answers were given to him, more questions appeared. Levi turned. Cursed. Carlisle was nowhere in sight.

He left the tomb behind him and walked a few meters, trying to find her figure in the night, but it was like she had vanished.

He heard rustling behind him and turned. Nothing.

He continued walking, his senses on alert for any noise or movement, a hand at the ready on his belt, where he always carried a dagger, a remnant of the old days in the Underground, and kept looking for Carlisle. Silence surrounded him, eerie, like he was suddenly the main character of a bonfire story.

'Do you make a habit of following people, Captain? Or is it just me who has the honour?'

Levi turned at light speed, his dagger unsheathed and drawn, and the metal collided with another short blade. Carlisle looked at him from behind her hood, her eyes completely unreadable for the first time, and an angry expression on her face. She spat out his title like it was an insult, her voice tight with fury.

'What about you?' he answered. 'Do you make a habit of midnight visits to the graveyard? Or were you giving me a tour?'

Why had he said that? He didn't know. Or perhaps he did. Perhaps he tried to take advantage of her fury to get answers from her.

'I couldn't sleep, ' she merely said, while she sheathed her blade under her coat and gave him a careful look.

Levi sheathed his dagger, too and pointed to Captain Morgan's grave. There was no point in hiding his spying.

'Did you know him?' he asked.

Without missing a beat, she answered: 'No'

Levi raised an eyebrow, sceptical.

'Why visit, then?'

'Doesn't it pain you, the way they've disturbed his rest? How much hate follows someone into death?' she asked.

'For what it says there, it doesn't look like he deserves your pain'

'Perhaps. Or perhaps not. What do we know about him?' she said cryptically.

'Me? Nothing. What about you, Carlisle? What do you know?' Levi asked, his eyes trying to get to hers through the darkness inside her hood.

Carlisle didn't answer; she just shrugged and resumed walking towards the exit, not waiting for him.

'Don't you have people to visit, Captain?' she asked from over her shoulder.

'Not today, no, I'd rather escort you back to the base'

She laughed dryly.

'Afraid anyone harms me?'

More afraid that you are the one to harm someone, he thought. But he didn't say it aloud.

Levi caught up to her and both walked side by side in silence until they reached the graveyard's gates. Given the hour, it wasn't strange that the streets were empty, in contrast with how they were an hour or two ago. How much time were they in the graveyard?

Levi looked over at Carlisle. Her gaze was fixed forward, deep in thought, her brows furrowed, and one of her hands was at her pendant again, twisting and turning. With the almost darkness surrounding them, Levi couldn't catch a clear glimpse of what it was. He hadn't seen it on her until now, but he wondered if she reached for it out of habit.

Levi couldn't explain why, but the way Carlisle walked, the way she was moving through the streets, the way she seemed to have every corner under her control- it was like seeing another version of her. The boldness at the graveyard, drawing a dagger on him even though she knew who he was, unsettled him.

The warm breeze played with her hair. Levi noticed for the first time that was loose and not in her usual ponytail. And, somehow, in the dim light, she looked younger. Was this the real Alayna Carlisle? Bold with her superiors, the darkness as her playground and pain as her shadow? Or was this the result of her demon's reflections on her? Did night hunt her like it hunted him?

'Do you usually go visit random graves?' Levi said.

She looked at him with a lopsided smile, her hand dropping the pendant, which disappeared beneath her clothes, like another secret.

'If I'd known you liked that much old guys' tombs, I would've brought you sooner, Captain'

'That's not what interests me'

'Then what is?'

'You'

The smile disappeared from her face, a grave look replacing it. Levi held her stare.

Through the corner of his eye, Levi could see the base getting closer, the stone emblem with the wings of freedom above its big wooden doors.

When he returned his gaze to Carlisle, she was playing again with her pendant. But an easy smile was again plastered on her face.

'Then you'll get bored pretty fast, Captain'

'Oh, I don't think so'

Chapter 16: Levi

‘Hey, Captain!’ Gunther’s voice called from behind him.

Levi turned to find his squad gathered a few steps behind him. They had all left their uniforms behind, it seemed, because they were wearing common clothes.

‘We are going into town for a drink? Do you want to come?’

Levi was tempted to say yes. He enjoyed his squad’s company, but the thought of being surrounded by loud and drunk people was something he wasn’t willing to go through with today.

He noticed that Carlisle was beside Petra, an assessing look on her eyes, defiance all over her features. Since their conversation the other day, when he had followed her to the graveyard, Levi had noticed that the girl had been spending more time with her comrades, and even with other Scouts, like Mike or Hange, whom she had been listening to and talking about Titans for an entire afternoon.

Levi had no doubts that Carlisle was doing that on purpose. Perhaps she wanted to fit in with the Scouts and have a bit of the life she had at the Garrison. But he was sure she did it because of what he had said the other night. She was trying to play it safe.

‘No, you go. I want you up early tomorrow, so be careful with the drinking. If not, I will assign you cleaning duty for an entire week, got it?’, said Levi.

He almost smiled when all of them -except Alayna, who was smiling at her friends’ reactions- groaned. They really despised cleaning.

Once they were on their way, Levi waited for a couple of minutes before exiting the base himself. On the way, he found Hange talking with Moblitz excitedly. An idea popped into his mind.

Since the night at the graveyard, Levi had been thinking a lot about that man, Captain Morgan, and why Carlisle had been visiting his grave. It couldn’t just be that she felt sorry for the dead man, could it? No, the expression she had on her face wasn’t one of someone who simply wanders through a graveyard. There was more to the story, he was sure. He had wanted to talk about it to either Erwin or Pixis and gather more information about this girl, but they wouldn’t be back until a few days later. Erwin had said so in a letter that had arrived this morning from Sina.

Still, that didn’t mean that Levi couldn’t do some investigating on his own. So he had decided, while they were riding back from training, that he would go to the Town Hall today, where they kept the death soldiers' records.

Levi had just one name: Oliver Wilson. Perhaps that could give him some answers. But he sensed it was a weak thread to pull from. Though Captain Morgan wasn't any better. But people did not just write in someone’s tomb, ‘Traitor’ without any explanation. It wouldn’t hurt to ask around, would it? Perhaps Hange knew something that could put him on the right track.

‘Hange,’ he called her.

She stopped mid-gesture, her hand raised to adjust her glasses, and turned her head to him, the smile still on her face.

‘Levi. Any news from Erwin?’

‘Seems like the MPs are making funding difficult. They want us to cancel the next expedition and submit the whole Survey Corps to investigation’

Hange rolled her eyes. ‘Of course they do. Poor Erwin, those MPs give him a harder time than Titans do’

She was about to start walking again, Moblitz right behind her, but Levi stopped her.

‘Do you happen to know anything about a certain Captain Morgan?’ he asked.

Both Hange and Moblitz looked surprised. Hange looked at him over the rim of her glasses, estranged.

‘Captain Morgan? Yes, I’ve heard stuff. All of us, really. It was pretty famous at the time, though it has turned into a local legend, so no one knows what is and isn’t true’

Levi raised both brows, urging her to continue.

Hange leaned in, a conspiring look on her eyes, and lowered her voice.

‘Five or six years ago, I can’t remember… The Military Police had a scandal inside their ranks. One of their captains, pretty respected, though no one important, was rumoured to be plotting a coup d’état. Not just a little rebellion, you know? Something big. He wanted the MPs in the government. Kill the King. Dissolve the Scouts and the Garrison, kill the commanders. You know, the whole show’

Hange paused.

Levi didn’t move.

‘His own subordinates brought him to Commander Sannes. Morgan was caught before he could do anything. He was arrested. Sentenced to death. But then, the day he was being taken to Sina for public hanging… he vanished’

Hange clapped, like one of those magicians on the street when they were doing one of their tricks.

‘Days later, the MPs found him and his subordinates dead in some alley. Not an easy death. Rumour has it that Morgan had fun with them before they died. No witnesses, of course. Officially, the MPs closed the case as insubordination and allowed it to be forgotten in some drawer. But…' Hange shrugged, her voice back to normal, ‘Well, no one knows for certain what happened. Most of what I just told you might be exaggerations. The MPs never made an official announcement or anything’

If it had been five years ago, it would have been clear why Levi hadn’t heard. Either he had recently joined the Scouts, or Erwin hadn’t found him yet, and he was still with Farlan and Isabel.

Levi thought back on the year at Oliver Wilson’s grave. He remembered it being 844 or 845. Or perhaps it was his mind tricking him.

‘And that was Morgan?’

‘That was the name, yeah’

An hour later, Levi was walking through the Town Hall's wooden doors.

It was the first time he set foot in this place, but he had seen it from the outside countless times since he joined the Scouts. It had high ceilings, polished marble floors and its walls were decorated with portraits of the royal family. The smell of old paper filled his nose from the second he went through the doors.

After being indicated were the archives where he went up a noisy set of stairs that brought him to the upper floor, where he found an open and luminous place, with a long mahogany desk, and, behind it, rows and rows and rows of shelves full of papers and folders.

He walked to the desk -that could be better cleaned-, where a man in his fifties looked terribly bored while getting through a stack of papers in front of him.

Levi cleared his throat, and the man looked at him.

‘Can I help you?’ he said, dragging the words.

‘I’m looking for a soldier’s records’

‘Name?’

‘Wilson. Oliver Wilson’

The man got up from his chair and disappeared behind the shelves, leaving Levi alone in the eerie silence.

When a soldier was still on duty, or even when he retired, his records, including birth certificates and military service, were kept in the base he served in. Even though Levi hadn’t had his birth certificate when he joined the Scouts, he supposed his documents about his service in the Scouts were in the base’s archives.

But when a soldier died, all of it came to be archived in the Town Hall, along with the citizens’.

Silence was broken by the man’s footsteps, who, yawning, appeared with a thin folder in his hands that he gave Levi before getting back to his work.

Levi opened it.

As expected, the first thing he found was Oliver Wilson’s birth certificate.

Born at Trost in 826. Son of Juliana and Tom Wilson. Only child. His parents’ address was also there.

The next page was his petition to enter the Training Corps in 838. The last one was his death certificate, dated five years ago, in 844. What a coincidence, Levi thought. There were no more pages in the folder.

‘Where's the rest?’ Levi muttered.

‘What?’ the man at the desk said.

‘I said where is the rest, like his military records’

The man sighed, annoyed.

‘If they are not there, then there aren’t any, sir’

That was an inconvenience.

‘What about a captain named Morgan, from the Military Police?’

The man got up again and dragged his feet back into the archive’s maze.

Levi flipped the pages, trying to find something more, waiting for another piece of paper to appear by magic. But that was all there was on Oliver Wilson. Even if the boy had been little time in the MPs, surely there had to be some kind of record. But, where? If the MPs had it, that made it all the more strange. Only confidential matters stayed back in the base and didn’t make it to the Town Hall, but if that was the case, then this folder in his hands should not be here. Why leave it incomplete?

‘Are you sure that’s the name?’ the man said, already back and empty-handed.

‘Yes’

‘There’s nothing on that person’

Levi wasn’t surprised. If everything Hange had told him was true, then it made sense for that record to be confidential.

‘Can I keep this?’ he asked, pointing at the folder in his hands.

‘Yeah, I doubt anyone is going to look for it. But bring it back when you’re finished, I could get in trouble’

Levi nodded and got out of there and into the busy streets.

As he was walking, he opened the folder again to look at the boy’s address. It was a bit far, but dusk seemed at least a couple of hours away. Perhaps he could find some answers.

While he was walking, he began thinking about the story Hange had told him before. The dates -even if Hange wasn’t sure if it had been five or six years ago- were a coincidence. And the fact that Carlisle had visited Morgan’s grave allowed Levi to think that there was a connection between Oliver’s death and Morgan’s story. But why visit the grave? Could it be that one of those ‘Traitor’ paintings was hers? Was it some kind of reminder she did to herself? Did Carlisle know the truth about this?

It would make sense. If Oliver Wilson were in Morgan’s squad, then he would have been killed by him. And if what Hange said about the torture was true, then… Levi understood the desperation in Carlisle’s eyes. Of course he did. It wasn’t that he died on duty, as many Scouts did. It was as bad as being killed by a Titan. When one was a soldier, one relied on your superiors and trusted them. And for that trust to be broken in such a brutal way…

To know that your friend’s body was found in some alley… Like it had been discarded…

Perhaps all that Carlisle was grieving when she went to see Morgan’s grave was her revenge, the one she couldn’t take because there was no body to do it.

Still, all these were suppositions. What was her place in this mess?

When the sun was starting to set, Levi arrived at a set of houses near the north wall. By the number on the records, the Wilsons' was the one on the far right. In contrast with its neighbours, this one looked empty, like no one had lived here in a long time.

With the folder hidden under his left arm, Levi knocked.

He waited, the cold air of the street, deprived of the late rays of the sun, graced his nape.

He tried knocking again.

There was no answer.

‘Looking for something, young man?’ a voice said from above.

When Levi looked up, he found an old woman with her head out of the window of the house next door to the Wilsons'.

‘I’m looking for…’ What were their names?, ‘Juliana and Tom Wilson’

‘Is someone talking about the Wilsons?’ a voice came from inside the house.

‘Shut up, Fred, I’m trying to talk with the young soldier here’, the woman at the window said. ‘I’ll be down in a minute’

Moments later, the woman opened her door and walked to Levi. She was shorter than he, her hair already white, held in a low bun on her nape. Her eyes were green, kind, but Levi didn’t miss the studying look in her gaze or how she was eyeing his uniform, squinting her eyes to identify the patch on his jacket. Behind her appeared a man as tall as Erwin, his back a bit bent over. His hair wasn’t as white as the woman’s; you could still see streaks of grey here and there, and Levi thought he seemed a bit lost, trailing after the woman like a child afraid to lose himself in the crowds.

‘I’m Maggie Weber, and this is my brother, Fred. So, are you looking for the Wilsons?’

‘I’m Levi of the Scouts, ’ if the woman recognised his name, she didn’t show. It was a relief. ‘Yes, I’m looking for Oliver Wilson’s parents’

‘Then you won’t find them here. They died four years ago, in Shiganshina. They moved there after their son’s death’

Shit. It seemed Oliver’s trail was far weaker than he thought.

‘Why would a Scout be interested?’ Maggie asked, her brow raised.

‘I know a friend of their son. Her name is Alayna’, he said it like a question, hoping the girl’s name would ring any bells.

And it did, because the woman opened her eyes and brought a hand to her heart.

‘That poor child! Of course! I hadn’t thought of her in years! Come, come inside’

Levi followed the pair to their house.

Levi had only known two homes. The first one, with his mother, Kuchel. The second one, with Farlan and Isabel. Even though the Scouts and his room at the base could be considered as his third home, nothing could compare with the feeling of opening a door to a house that’s yours, to a place that gives you that feeling of belonging. He supposed that, if he had one, it would look like the old pair’s. Somewhere that looked lived.

Once Levi was sitting with a hot cup of tea in his hands, Maggie, with Fred silent at her side, began talking with a thoughtful expression, like she wasn’t there, but had gone back in time.

‘The Wilsons were our neighbours for almost forty years. They arrived from Shiganshina when Tom, Oliver’s father, was still a child. Tom’s father had lost his job and was looking for somewhere to start fresh. I befriended his wife, Elsa, and my son, Lukas, and Tom became inseparable, almost like brothers’

‘Tom’s father, Walter, was a strict man. He wanted Tom to get into the military, but the poor boy had heart problems, and the doctors thought it was a bad idea’, Fred interrupted. His voice was hoarse, and he was stirring his tea absentmindedly.

‘The young man doesn’t want to know about Tom, Fred. He’s asking about Oliver’, said Maggie to his brother, not without kindness. ‘Tom’s family worked for the Reeves, and his father managed to get Tom inside; that’s how he met Oliver’s mother, Juliana. She was working there as Walter’s secretary. Time after his father’s death, Tom and Juliana got married and came to live here, so Elsa wouldn’t be alone. Then Oliver was born… He was such an adorable little boy, you know? I think it healed a part of Tom that had always felt he wasn’t enough for his father. My husband and I used to have him here all the time, as Lukas didn’t give us any grandchildren’

‘Oliver didn’t meet his grandfather, but he aspired to be a soldier, like Walter had wanted for Tom, ’ continued Fred, his gaze fixed on Levi’s. ‘Tom, trying to please his father, had learned hand-to-hand combat, and taught his son for years until he enrolled and left’

‘I remember when we received his letters. He always talked about his friends, about his training… I remember Juliana used to cry whenever the postman arrived. She had a hard time during Oliver’s training years.

‘One day, Oliver arrived without warning, hand in hand with a girl. I had forgotten about her until you mentioned her before. Alayna. I believe that is your friend, right?’

Levi was suddenly brought back to the present, Carlisle’s face popping inside his mind.

‘Yes, that’s her’

Maggie hummed, deep in thought, a sad smile on her lips.

‘Juliana was so happy. It seemed they had both graduated the day before, but they wanted to deliver the news before taking their places in their respective military branches. Your friend, Alayna, was wearing this wonderful ring on her hand and looked so happily in love. And Oliver was looking at her like she was his only source of light… They reminded me a bit of my husband and me…’

But Levi wasn’t listening anymore, because suddenly it all started to make sense.

Days after, he still wondered what could have triggered Carlisle so in the ring stall, back at the market. But now it all made sense. Her face when she had looked at him… Maggie didn’t need to say it, because he understood. Oliver wasn’t just her friend. He was her fiancée. She was engaged. She didn’t just lose her friend, she lost her lover.

‘A pretty girl, your friend. Kind, too. Won everyone’s heart that afternoon. They were a lovely pair. What happened… we were all so devastated. I’ve never seen her since, she wasn’t here for the funeral’

Levi came out of his stupor.

‘Can you tell me what happened to Oliver? How did he die?’

This time, everything Maggie had for him was a shake of her head.

‘The soldiers who came to talk with Juliana and Tom only said it had been on duty. Something had gone wrong, and he had been shot. They travelled to Sina, to identify the body, but when they arrived, it was already in a sealed coffin, and the MPs brought it themselves here for the funeral’

‘Tom always suspected it had to be something more. After all, no one had offered more explanations; all they said was that the mission he was in was confidential’ added Fred.

‘Juliana expected to see Alayna at the funeral, but she never appeared. She vanished. Their friends, too. Tom searched and searched, but it was like they had been buried’

That surprised Levi. Why would Carlisle miss his fiancée's funeral?

‘Oliver was in the Military Police, is that right?’ asked Levi.

‘Yes. They were all together, Alayna -’ but Fred cut her.

‘No, ’ he shook his head. ‘Oliver and another boy he grew up with, Stefan, went to the MPs, that I remember. I don’t know about the rest, but I’m almost sure that the girl was in the Garrison’

Instead of arguing with her brother, Maggie just shrugged.

‘Fred might know better on this than I. My husband was always close with Oliver’s father; if he were still here, he could have told you, but Fred was their friend too. During the year after Oliver’s death, I spent most of my time with Juliana and Elsa, and Tom never told them anything about his research, to try and help them get over it. When it was clear that Juliana wouldn’t recover, they went back to Tom’s family home in Shiganshina. We used to keep correspondence, until… well, you know’

There was a moment of silence. Maggie looked touched by the memory of her neighbours, so Levi waited, trying to process and keep track of all they had said.

‘So, how is she?’ Maggie asked, suddenly, quickly wiping a tear that ran down her wrinkled cheek.

‘Who?’ Levi asked, lost for a second.

‘Alayna, your friend, is she alright?’

‘Yes. She is…’ what word could he use? ‘Fine’

Maggie pointed to the wings of freedom in his uniform.

‘Is she still in the military?’

‘Yes. She’s part of my squad’

After all that these people had shared with him, not only about Oliver, but about Alayna, saying those words made him feel what he felt when he was with Erwin, Hange or his squad. Like he belonged. Saying those words made him feel like Carlisle belonged, like a part of him cherished her presence.

His thoughts were -thankfully- interrupted by Fred, who made a pleased sound and nodded.

‘Tom was right then, she’s alive. Juliana and he left their house almost intact; they only took some bags and left. But Tom left something for Alayna, in case she came back. Fred got up and made a sign for Levi to follow.

While they exited the house, Maggie began talking again.

‘I’m glad she is okay. I used to think a lot about her back then. I lost my husband sooner than I thought -I expected we would stay together until the end, and I had a hard time after his death. I can’t imagine what she went through, having lost a love and a friend’

‘A friend?’

‘Yes. Oliver and Stefan were in the same squad. They died in the same mission. They all started their training together. Fred, do you remember the other two?’

‘They came to visit once,’ answered Fred, while taking his neighbours’ key out of his pocket and into the keyhole, ‘but I don’t remember anything about them’

Levi wanted to know if the other two had joined the MPs, too, or if they had ended up somewhere else, but Maggie interrupted his thoughts.

‘I’m surprised Alayna didn’t tell you anything’

Shit. That was true. Levi had said that Carlisle was his friend. If he knew her, it would be weird that he just came here to ask all of this.

‘Come on, Maggie, perhaps the girl is not ready yet,’ Fred said, admonishing, saving Levi from having to answer.

The woman said no more, because Fred opened the door to the Wilsons’ house. The sun was already setting, and the street was shadowy, so it was completely dark inside. But Fred came prepared. He lit a match and used it to light a nearby candle. In minutes, the darkness disappeared.

‘I’ll go fetch the letters. Wait here’ said Fred before disappearing upstairs, a candle in hand.

Levi was surprised that there wasn’t dust on the tables or that the floor wasn’t dirty. It looked like it had been cleaned this morning.

‘I come by every once in a while to keep it clean. I started doing it when they left, expecting that they would come back, and I just kept doing it after they died’ said Maggie at his side.

Levi didn’t like a lot of people, but he found he liked this woman.

Looking around, it felt weird to know that Alayna had been here. That perhaps, if past and present were happening at the same time, he was here while a younger version of Alayna walked through the same door he had, hand-in-hand with Oliver, happy. Levi could almost see her, like a ghost, when the candles flickered with the breeze coming from the outside. He could see her figure, with her long skirt, turning to him, a smile on her face, offering him her hand.

Maggie and Fred had told him Oliver’s story, even Oliver’s parents’ story. But Levi could only picture Alayna, Alayna, Alayna. The girl Maggie had described, full of life, of joy, and the one he had met, with her easy smile, her walls and her masks.

‘I’m sorry for my careless question,’ Maggie began again, ‘It just surprised me that after all these years someone came looking for Oliver. I guess it struck me as weird. She was such a talkative person, told us everything about her family that first evening, without knowing us at all… I suppose that the death of someone you love changes you at such a young age’ Maggie sighed.

Levi felt obliged to give this woman some truth.

‘Alayna…’ referring to her by her name felt weird, intimate. ‘She is good. She doesn’t talk much about her past, that’s all. But she laughs, and she smiles, and she has friends. I know she often thinks about Oliver, but she is… good. Her family at Sina also-’

‘At Sina?’

Levi looked at Maggie, confusion all over her features.

‘Yes, her family, the Carlisles, they live in Wall Sina’

‘Are you certain, young man? I don’t recall-’

But she was interrupted when Fred arrived again with a stack of letters that he handed to Levi.

‘Here they are. Tom thought Alayna would like to have them. She sent them when Oliver came for some time, when his grandmother, Elsa, became gravely ill'

Levi grabbed them. They were twenty, at least, held by a lace. They seemed to have no envelope.

He looked outside, where night had already fallen upon the city. His mind was invaded by questions, but something told him that these good people wouldn’t know. And, besides, he had already stolen much of their time.

‘Thank you. I’ll give them to her’

Though Levi doubted he would. What would Carlisle say if he did? If she found out he had been asking about her somewhere that belonged to such a painful past?

‘Please, tell her- Tell her that when she is ready, we would like to have her here, for lunch. You could come, too, now that you know’, Maggie had a wistful look in her eyes, and looked up at him with a gratitude he didn’t deserve.

Levi nodded, not being able to say anything more.

After bidding them goodbye, he left, leaving the street behind, swallowed in the darkness, and headed back to the base.

He arrived way after dinner time, so, after leaving the folder and the letters in his room, he went downstairs for something to eat. In the way, he found his squad, coming from the outside, all loud and flushed from the alcohol.

Oluo was being held by Eld and Gunther, while Petra and Alayna were behind them, the ginger girl whispering something and leaning a bit on Alayna, who seemed to be mostly sober, only a faint gleam in her eyes.

‘Captain!’ Petra screamed, trying to stand straight.

‘Come on, go to bed, ’ Levi said, tired for other reasons that weren’t the obvious, deplorable state his squad was in.

‘Yes, Captain!’ Petra and Oluo said in unison.

Levi rolled his eyes.

Petra tripped and leaned even further into Alayna, almost falling on her, but the girl caught her friend and helped her stand up properly again. Unconsciously, Levi stepped closer.

‘Need help?’

Alayna looked at him, a bit surprised. Levi had not been ready to see her. It was strange, discovering something about someone without them knowing. It was like Alayna was now different from the one he had seen that morning.

Petra slipped again, catching Alayna by surprise, and, this time, she almost lost her balance too, but Levi held her by the waist and adjusted Petra so the girl wouldn’t go to the floor. Levi brought his hand to his side quickly. Alayna gave him a little smile.

‘Thanks, Captain, I think I can handle it from here, ’ she said, and continued walking to the staircase, leaving Levi alone.

Once he was back in his room, he sat at the desk with the stack of letters in front of him. Would he do it? He heard sounds from below, where he knew was Alayna’s room. Perhaps he should go downstairs and give them to her. What right did he have in reading them? He pictured Alayna’s little smile, the warmth through her clothes when he had touched her waist.

He started to pace. Concentration. He needed to concentrate on what was important.

Maggie had said that Oliver and Alayna had graduated the same day, right? He reached for a piece of paper. He knew Alayna was twenty-three; that meant that Oliver was, too. Forgetting everything that he knew of her, he did the math.

If cadets finished their training at fifteen, that meant Alayna had graduated eight years ago. If she had spent the last three on the Garrison, something he knew for certain because of what Erwin had said, then that left a five-year gap in her records. Where was she for five years? With her family? Had he misunderstood? But Fred had said that she was in the Garrison.

Levi remembered suddenly Maggie’s confusion when Levi mentioned the Carlisles. It wasn’t that she didn’t remember it; she had meant to say that he was wrong. That meant she was certain that the Carlisles weren’t a piece of Alayna’s past. Could it be that they were talking about a different girl? No, that couldn’t be it. What were the chances that Oliver Wilson knew two Alaynas? None.

Levi looked over at the stack of letters still on his desk.

What he now knew was that Alayna and Oliver were engaged, they graduated the same year, Oliver was in Morgan’s squad -the circumstances of his death were too suspicious for them not to be related- and there was a five-year gap where he didn’t know where Alayna was.

He eyed the stack of letters again. Slowly, he undid the lace and opened the first one:

My dear Oliver:

I hope Elsa is feeling better. Please, send her all of my love. And to your family, too.

I just write to tell you that I miss you.

Frank said I shouldn't write you that because now your ego is going to be ‘as massive as you ass’; those were literal words of his. But I everyday I feel more of the distance that keeps us apart. The rest only say hello, by the way. I understand now why you fell in love with me, honestly.

I miss your smile, your eyes and your hair. I miss you when I’m flying through the city, or when we are out for a drink with the other soldiers.

I just wish you could be here. Just a kiss would be enough-

Levi stopped reading and folded the letter again. He grabbed them and put them away in a drawer in his desk. He couldn’t. It was too private. He thought maybe he would find answers there, and he had, he had another name- Frank. But if he had to read something as private as that… He just couldn’t. Not now that the answers he had gathered were about something so dark, now that he knew that time after those letters were written, Oliver died, and Alayna’s love for him probably had to be buried alive.

Her face popped into his face again, and he looked down, expecting the floor to be transparent and for her to be looking up at him, anger all over her face. Or perhaps he was just expecting to see her.

For now, the letters would remain here.

At least, he had another name, Frank.

Chapter 17: Alayna

Someone knocked on the door as I was getting into my room through the window.

Shit. So soon? I would’ve sworn that it was still early when I finished today’s job. I should’ve known coming back would take longer.

A knock on the door again, insistent.

‘Carlisle?’ the voice drifted through the wood.

Shit. Levi.

I should already be dressed in my Scout uniform, which was discarded on my bed. I had to take this suit as soon as possible. If Levi saw me with this… He couldn’t. It was bad enough that neither Erwin nor Pixis knew what I came out at night for; I couldn’t let Levi have another reason to spy on me, now that he seemed to have relaxed a bit.

As I was walking to the door, I took the one-piece suit fast, discarding my boots on the way, trying to make as little sound as possible. I messed up the sheets to make it look like I had been sleeping, and grabbed the first shirt I found in my wardrobe and put it on, along with a pair of pants, and opened the door to find Captain Levi with his arms crossed.

‘Took you long enough’

His eyes roamed over my body, surely taking in the absence of my uniform, because his lips went down, clearly annoyed.

‘Didn’t I tell you to be ready?’

‘Sorry, ’ I faked a yawn, ‘Time flew by’

And it really did.

Levi sighed and brought a hand to his temple.

‘Get ready, I’ll wait here. The rest are already on their way; we have to get there before Hange does something stupid, like pay a visit to those beasts’

‘Yes, Captain’

Levi just grunted before I closed the door again, relief washing over me. That was close.

I lit up a few candles and stripped myself of these clothes and into my uniform. My whole body ached from today’s training and running through the city, but it was a welcomed pain.

Erwin’s letter hunted me from the desk, a reminder that he would be back tomorrow. The letter had arrived this morning. I wasn’t used to receiving letters from Erwin, given that Pixis was my previous Commander, but I supposed that now that I was a Scout, it was normal. Still, seeing his signature at the end made my chest tighten, a flutter I hadn’t felt in weeks.

I had thought of Erwin often since he left for Sina. Thankfully, the… thing that I felt for him had started to back off, but sometimes, when I wandered through the halls, I expected to see him passing by with Levi, Hange or even Mike at his side.

Receiving his letter and reading his words… It was a bit like having him back. And my stupid body was buzzing with anticipation.

I left my room minutes later, still adjusting the last straps of my ODM gear. As he had said, Levi was waiting for me, leaning on the opposite wall from my door. His eyes locked on me as I stepped into the hallway, locks of his dark hair falling into his face, creating shadows all over his features. I closed the door behind me, feeling the traitorous flush that ran through my body under his steely gaze.

‘Let’s go, ’ he said, pushing himself off the wall and starting down the hallway.

Captain Levi had been a bit of a pain in the ass these past weeks. I could feel his gaze everywhere I was, trying to catch the moment I made a false move, like a predator with its prey. But something had shifted a few days ago, when my squad mates and I had come back from a trip to the pub, with two drunk Oluo and Petra. It had been something in his always undecipherable eyes, in the way his voice had almost softened when he had offered his help when Petra, inconveniently, had almost slipped to the floor. I don’t think he even noticed. But I did. And since then, I’ve been wondering what could have been.

The next day, after lunch, I changed into some casual clothes and walked downstairs, ready to run some errands at the market, when he intercepted me. Petra had offered to accompany me, but she was so tired and her head pounded so, that I had insisted that we could go together any other day. It had felt nice, finding a friend in Petra.

Levi had stepped in front of me, his uniform still on and the shadow of a sleepless night under his eyes. As he usually did, he studied my face, but that time, he said nothing.

‘Something wrong, Captain?’

‘Are you going somewhere?’

This man. He was worse than a headache.

‘Just to the market for some things I need’

‘I’ll go with you’

I cannot say I didn’t expect it, but it still surprised me. I raised a brow, looking at his clothes.

‘What’

‘It’s just… You are still wearing your uniform’

‘Do you expect me to walk naked, Carlisle?’ he asked, his arms crossed on his chest.

I blinked, caught off guard by his response, but a little smile I couldn't hold spread on my lips.

‘If you are coming, it’s best if you change into something more casual, ’ I said.

‘I don’t recall giving you the option to put conditions’ his voice dropped low when some cadets passed near us.

I just shrugged and stepped to pass by him, heading towards the exit again, but I heard him sigh.

‘Very well, I’ll change. Wait here’ he said before disappearing towards his room.

I leaned on the wall while I waited. In the afternoons, there wasn’t much to do when you didn’t have training. I knew Oluo and Gunther liked to do some sparring, and Eld usually watched them, with a book in his hand. Some of the soldiers just went outside or back to their families, but many lived here, unattached. In my wait, only a few soldiers I had seen in the mess hall and talked a little to, passed in their way outside. Finally, it was Levi who appeared.

He had changed into a dark suit and seemed like he had had a shower, because the ends of his hair were a bit wet. I pushed from the wall and waited for him to catch up to me before walking.

‘I thought you would be gone, ’ he said.

‘I thought we had agreed I’d wait for you, ’ I answered. ‘Not every day one has the honour of having Captain Levi as her guard, ’ I added.

He clicked his tongue, and I turned my head so he couldn’t see my smile.

We walked in silence for a while, the busy streets a contrast to our walk back from the graveyard almost a week ago.

Back at the Garrison, Noa used to come with me, and we would spend all afternoon here; sometimes Gwyneth came with us too. Since arriving at the Scouts, I hadn’t had the time. And, as Levi was always watching… I had to wait for a better moment. I didn’t usually need anything specific, but it allowed me to clear my head a bit from the routine. But today I had my objective clearly in mind.

As if he had heard me, Levi broke the silence between us.

‘What is it that you need?’

‘You’ll see, ’ I merely said.

As usual, I could feel his gaze on me, but this time, it wasn’t suspicion that flowed from him, but curiosity.

A while later, I stopped in front of a wooden door. The house was painted in a pinkish tone, and it stood out among its neighbours' earthy tones.

‘I thought you were going to the market, ’ said Levi behind me, his voice close to my ear.

I knocked twice on the door before answering.

‘I just need something in here first,’ I said. Then, after a thought, ‘You can wait here, if you like’

I turned my head slightly, only to find his face too close to mine, but neither of us stepped away. Instead, he just raised both eyebrows in a way that said ‘Good joke’. Suddenly, the door opened, and a singing voice reached my ears, taking my attention from Levi.

‘Alayna!’

Two pairs of arms wrapped me in a caring hug, almost crushing my ribs.

‘Hello, Alice, ’ I said, breathless.

Finally, she released me, taking a good look at me.

Alice was a middle-aged woman, a little taller than me, with ginger hair and brown eyes. I met her thanks to Gwyneth when I arrived at Trost and was named Captain in the Garrison. She ran a small business herself, mostly military gear, leather, women's underclothing, thought for fighting, and she sometimes had daggers that came from the best forges inside Wall Sina. She was the best at that, given that she had been a Garrison soldier herself before she injured her right leg during a chase, years ago. Given that she worked here, she wasn’t found in the market, though her son, Gabriel, was always telling her how selling on the market would raise their profits.

‘It’s been too long since you last visited!’ she said, with her strong southern accent, ‘But don’t worry, Gwyn and Noa told me about your transfer to the Scouts. I’ve been waiting for your visit so I could hear it from your mouth!’

Then, she noticed Levi and looked at me, a lopsided smile already on her lips.

‘Alice, this is…’ Did I present him as my captain or just by his name? ‘Levi’ I went with, ‘we work together’

‘Well, it was time for you to get a man, Aly. And a famous one, for that matter. Bless you for having taste’ she said, grabbing my arm and urging me inside.

‘Oh, no, he’s not-’

‘Shh, you tell me all about it now, no need to rush it’

Noticing that Levi was following us inside, she whispered:

‘Is he coming too?’

‘He insisted,’ I whispered back.

‘Girl, you know how to choose them, ’ she chuckled.

The workshop smells surrounded me immediately, familiar. Leather and metal, combined with wood and the remnants of something being cooked upstairs, welcomed me inside. The place was exactly like it was last time. Alice liked this more than a stall on the market; she was always saying that you couldn’t achieve this level of display on a few meters of wood.

The walls were painted green, big carpets on the floor, so our steps were muffled. It was also really comfortable to walk barefoot. There was a display cabinet to the left with all kinds of daggers and short knives, and even some hair accessories that were deadlier than they looked. At the far right, next to a table that served Alice as a counter, was a worktable with remnants of buckles, leather and fabric. At the back of the room, there was a door that led to a small room with mirrors, like the fitting rooms the fancy seamstresses had in Wall Sina. Next to it, a set of stairs that lead to Alice’s home.

I could feel Levi behind me, assessing the space, the door, the stairs. When I glanced at him, he had a curious gaze on him, his features relaxed, taking it all in.

Alice, all curves as she circled the counter, grabbed something from a drawer and handed it to me.

‘These are the straps you asked for last time you were here. Let me go fetch,’ she looked at Levi with a knowing look, ‘that other thing you ordered’

I had been here weeks ago, right before I left the Garrison base and transferred to the Scouts. The straps Alice had prepared were specifically designed for me -following the standard model-, so the ODM gear was perfectly held to my body. That way, when I used it, it didn’t tremble or threaten to trickle down; it felt like it was part of my body, just like it needed to be. Alice had also designed it so I could secure a dagger or two if needed. She was the best.

I had half a mind to change into some pants instead of my preferred skirt. Under Levi’s scrutinising gaze, I took off my boots and began fastening the straps along my left leg, all the way until I reached my upper thigh. Then, I did the same with my right leg, the pressure of the leather reassuring on my skin. But, just when I was buckling the last strap before moving to my hips, the buckle got stuck. I tried a couple of times more, but my sweaty hands couldn’t manage.

‘Allow me, ’ said Levi softly from behind.

He placed himself to my right and crouched so he was eye level with the buckle, his long fingers moving expertly. One of his hands grabbed my inner thigh as he was fastening the straps to keep my leg in place, causing me to suck in a breath at the unexpected contact. He looked at me from behind his lashes -his eyes more blue than grey today- before raising and adjusting the straps on my hips. He moved swiftly, tugging the leather with strength, but softly, careful not to hurt me; his scent, of soap and tea leaves, enveloped me. He worked in silence, his body close to mine, his hands moving around my hips with clinical precision, as if we had done this countless times before.

‘Done, ’ he simply said once he finished.

He stepped backwards, putting space between us.

‘That looks wonderful, ’ Alice walked in, her voice startling me.

She crouched beside me, so she could test the straps herself, and nodded once she confirmed they were okay.

‘It’s a good thing that I don’t have to do modifications like last time. Here,’ she handed me something wrapped in paper, ‘what you asked for last time. I think you should try it on there’ she said, pointing at the fitting room while looking at Levi, who was busy studying the daggers on display.

Once the wooden door closed behind me, I breathed out, the tight straps on my legs the reminder of Levi’s hands. I shook my head, as if I could shake the remnants of his touch.

I unwrapped the paper to find a skin coloured bra. It was one of those undergarments that Alice designed specifically for female soldiers. As well as the ODM gear, it had to be tight during battle; this allowed your breasts to be secured and as protected as possible during flight or in case you had an accident. Alice was just an expert like that. Given that I wore mine every day, it had worn out a little. Even though Alice already knew my measurements, I still tried it on, just in case.

The mirrors in the room gave me back my reflection while I took off my shirt and my current undergarment and put on the new one. As with the straps on my legs, the newness of the fabric was familiar and tight, exactly how it needed to be.

A soft knock sounded on the door.

‘I’m coming in, okay?’ Alice’s voice drifted through the wood, and a second later, she stepped inside.

‘Is it okay?’ she asked.

‘Yes’.

Before starting to check the garment on me, she passed me a small note. I opened it. It indicated a place and a date. It was in two days. I couldn’t say it was the best of times, but work was work.

‘Thank you, ’ I said.

‘No need for that. We should be the ones thanking you. Seems like the MPs are at it again. They are getting confident and planning a bunch of “disappearances” in the next weeks’

‘Shit, they couldn’t be more inappropriate. I can’t even get out of the base without him noticing’

‘Who? Levi?’ Alice asked, dropping her voice to almost a whisper, even if the door was closed.

‘Yeah. He’s been watching me for weeks. He followed me the other day. I don’t mind, but it might make getting the jobs done difficult’ I sighed.

‘And here I was, thinking you finally had fun with someone’

I felt the blush creep up to my cheeks.

‘No, not with Levi, no’

‘Well, you two certainly looked intimate back there, ’ she pointed to the door.

‘That’s just how he is. Very intense. Nothing is going on, I assure you’

Alice just shrugged.

‘Anyway, if you can’t make it, just tell me and we’ll send another’

‘No, don’t worry. I want to do it. Levi won’t be a problem. Besides, with Erwin and Pixis in Sina, my mind feels lighter’

‘I still don’t understand why you don’t tell Erwin. He might help, you know?’

‘Yes, that’s what scares me. He would probably scold me and then give me anything and anyone I might need. But I can’t get him into this. The MPs are already after the Scouts; they don’t need another charge to add to their accusations’

‘I don’t want you exposing yourself more than necessary. You risk more than any of us’

‘I know, don’t worry. It’ll be fine’

Alice squeezed my shoulder.

‘I’ll wait outside while you change’

Once I put back my shirt and took the straps off my legs, I opened the door and stepped outside.

‘Here, give me that, I’ll use the fabric for other things, ’ Alice said, taking my old garment from my hands.

She wrapped the straps on some paper, and I gave her the little bag with the money I owed her. After a long goodbye and my promise that I would return soon for a tea, Levi and I left the shop.

On our way back to the base, we talked a little. I stopped in a stall full of fruits and vegetables and bought some blueberries. I offered Levi some and, surprisingly, he took a few. It had been nice, having him along, even if it was in silence as we walked the busy streets, and he seemed to be enjoying himself a bit, which was new.

‘We’ll take the lift, there’s no point in using gas,’ said Levi now, once we reached the south wall.

As we were going up, the wind fell like daggers against my skin, unwelcoming. Levi’s presence at my side was cold, too, already calculating, observing, all traces of the version of him I had glimpsed in the market gone -or hidden.

Our steps on the wall echoed in the silence of the night as we neared two soldiers with the Scouts’ uniform. Hange and Moblitz.

‘Hange’ Levi called her.

Moblitz seemed relieved when he saw Levi. Perhaps the Captain had been right, and Hange had been thinking of paying a visit to the Titans.

‘No more strange behaviour, they seem to be following the patterns we already know and became inactive as soon as the sun set’

‘Any explanation for their gathering here?’

‘None. Perhaps they are just a bunch of abnormals, and it’s all a coincidence. If tomorrow they continue like this, my take is that we kill them before there are too many. I sent your squad along this section. Mike’s is along the next, besides the Garrison’s soldiers on their usual patrol’

Levi nodded, and they left. I envied them; at least they were going back to their beds.

‘We’ll take Moblitz’s and Hange’s places here for a while, and then we’ll change with Mike’s squad, ’ Levi said.

I walked to the edge and looked down, expecting to see some of the Titans, given that I had never had the chance to see one in real life, but I was met with darkness.

It all started this morning. The Garrison communicated to us that an unusual number of Titans were gathering in the southern wall. Given that neither Pixis nor Erwin were here, all we could do was patrol in case something came out of the ordinary. But, by Hange’s words, it didn’t seem like a big deal.

I stepped back and went back to Levi’s side.

‘How are the straps?’ he asked, breaking the silence.

I looked at him, confused at first.

‘The new ones, ’ he merely said as clarification.

The cold breeze played with our capes, and the smell of tea and soap reached my nose, bringing back the feeling of his hands, his touch, his presence behind me, fastening the buckles, tightening the straps.

‘Oh, good, yeah’

He nodded, and silence surrounded us again.

It was weird to be here at night. Back as a Garrison soldier, my patrols were always in the mornings, and the fresh air always felt like a new start. In contrast, the night up here felt like secrets, like a moment frozen in time, where time itself didn’t exist at all.

‘I’m going to check on the rest, they shouldn’t be far, ’ Levi said some time later before leaving.

I didn’t have a problem with darkness; I was never afraid of the dark as a child. And I worked a lot when the rest were sleeping. But that didn’t mean it didn’t bring demons back.

The thing about darkness is that it can drive you crazy, make you imagine things that are not there, and hear voices that aren’t real. Memories, people, that are part of your past. That’s why, when I came out at night, I was moving constantly. I had to keep moving. But here, in the stillness of the wall, uneasiness arrived far more easily than it should.

Instinctively, I brought a hand to my blades and checked on the hidden dagger behind my ODM gear. The feeling of the steel under my palm reassured me.

Loud steps sounded in the opposite direction from where Levi had disappeared. Two figures appeared, one taller than the other, but still taller than me.

Once the light reached them, I recognised them. Finn Koch and Ben Klein. They were soldiers from the Garrison. What was their captain’s name? I couldn’t remember. They were a pair of useless idiots, not good enough for the Scouts or the MPs, or even for the Garrison, so they were always drunk. Still, they were a couple of violent idiots.

Finn Koch was the taller one, with dark brown hair, a long nose and thin lips. He had the type of face that always made girls at the Garrison run in the opposite direction. His friend, Ben, was very similar, though shorter. I remember them once talking to Gwyneth, and she looked so uncomfortable, I had to step in. They were lucky I didn’t beat them that time.

I was hoping they wouldn’t notice or recognise me, but it seemed I had run out of luck for the night.

‘Well, well, well,’ said Finn, ‘look who we have here. Miss Alayna Carlisle. Pixis’ star girl’

The asshole didn’t even hide the almost-empty liquor bottle he carried in his hand. Ben laughed mockingly.

‘I heard daddy got you in the Scouts, is that true?’

‘Get lost, Finn, ’ I said, fixing my gaze to the front.

‘C’mon, don’t be like that. We just want to talk. Fancy a drink?’ he said, offering me the bottle.

They were still at a safe distance, but I could smell their breath from here, stinking of alcohol.

‘No?’ he said, ‘Then more for us’, and drank the last remnants of the liquid before throwing the bottle to the side.

They stepped forward. My grip on the blades tightened.

‘I’ve always wondered how it was that you were named Captain in your first year here. Tell me, Alayna, is your daddy’s money all there is to the mystery?’ Finn said, his eyes roaming through my body. I was going to be sick.

‘We heard you were in Captain Levi’s squad, too’ This time it was Ben who talked.

‘What is it that you do to always get the good spots?’ Finn continued.

They stepped closer.

‘Perhaps it’s because I take my job seriously,’ I said calmly.

‘Is that so?’

Another step.

‘I wouldn’t get closer if I were you, ’ I said, unsheathing my dagger.

Finn whistled, and Ben laughed, like I had taken out a toy instead of a weapon.

‘What are you going to do with that, uh? No fancy rank to hide yourself behind now, Alayna’

I guess I still have some luck, because if they kept coming closer, I could fulfil my wish and beat the hell out of them. And it would be more than justified.

‘I don’t need a rank to hit you in the balls, Knoch’

‘So violent, ’ Finn said, two steps away from me now. ‘I wonder if Levi likes that. Tell me, Alayna, is that how you did it?’

‘Last warning, Knock. Don’t go there because you’ll regret it’

He didn’t listen. In fact, he seemed amused by my threats. Bastard.

‘They say he chooses them personally. I wonder if he needed a bit more convincing before allowing a Garrison soldier in. What did you do? I’m curious. Did you get on your knees? I never had you for the pleading type, but one never knows. Must be tough to go from Captain to calling someone else sir. Tell me, do you call him sir while he is touching you? Bet he makes you say it when you are close-’

My dagger was already moving, but it swept through empty air, because Finn was thrown backwards, airborne for a moment before hitting the ground with a sound that indicated some broken ribs. As fast as the wind, a figure was on him, grabbing him by his shirt and punching his face once, twice, three times. He threw Finn again until he landed at my feet, his face covered in blood.

Ben ran away, tripping, with a terrified look on his face.

Finn was face up, breathing hard. The figure stepped forward, into the torch’s light.

Levi.

He looked like an avenging knight. His coat with drops of blood, dark locks of hair across his forehead and his steely gaze, sharper than any weapon, fixed on the man at my feet.

‘On your knees, ’ he told Finn.

Slowly and trembling, Finn did what he was told. Levi grabbed him by the hair, yanking it backwards. Finn hissed.

‘When you talk to her, you’re talking to me. And you just implied that I fuck my subordinates. You are lucky that I don’t kill you right now. If you speak to her like that again, you won’t be that lucky next time, you filthy scum. Get out of my sight’

Without having to be told twice, Finn stood up and ran away like his friend had done, staggering as he went.

Then Levi turned to me. He looked like he was trying to find injuries and focused on the dagger in my hand.

‘You should’ve used it sooner’

‘You didn’t have to do that,’ I replied, ‘I had everything under control’

‘Did you?’

‘Yes’

He assessed me for a second, his eyes still furious.

‘It seems I can’t leave you alone for one second before you get in trouble’

I shrugged.

‘We’ll change with Mike’s squad now. Let’s go, the rest are already on their way' he said.

I saw him take a few steps, but I didn’t follow him right away. I sheathed my blade while I looked at the blood in the ground.

‘Levi,’ I called him.

He stopped in his tracks, turning a bit, enough so that his sharp profile was illuminated by a nearby torch, his gaze on me.

‘Thank you’

He said nothing more before resuming walking. I followed him a second later.

Chapter 18: Alayna

It had been a while since I witnessed the sunrise from the Walls. It seemed like months had passed since I left the Garrison, but it had been only a few weeks, hardly a month.

I could feel the lack of sleep all over my body and under my eyes.

This night had been long. At some point, Levi and I had joined the rest, and that had made it more bearable. Petra and I had been talking most of the time, and Eld, too, once he decided he had had enough of Oluo for a lifetime. Now, as the chilling cold of the night gave way to the first rays of sun, the only noise was the chess pieces that Gunther and Eld moved in a silent game while we waited for orders.

We had taken turns to rest. First, it had been Eld and Gunther, then Petra and Oluo, lying next to each other a couple of meters away, on the cold floor of the Wall. Levi and I would be last. We were to wait until Hange and the rest of the Scouts' captains arrived to make a decision.

Levi was looking down at the city. He looked tense and as tired as everyone else. We hadn't talked more after the incident with Finn and Ben.

I walked to the edge of the Wall.

'Careful, Alayna, ' I heard Gunther's voice from behind, breaking the silence.

Just when the tips of my feet were at the edge, I crooked my neck so I could look down.

They were at least thirty, all gathered around the Wall. Their bodies twisted in nauseating ways, their eyes hungry when the ones below noticed me. They didn't make a sound, except for the scratching against the wall. Their huge bodies, naked, unnatural, and their expressions were enough to haunt my nightmares for days.

So, this was what Erwin was fighting each time he went out.

A shiver came crawling down my spine.

The peace was broken when the lifts started working and chatter got closer and louder. I went back to my group, Petra and Oluo, awakening with the noise.

'What happens?' she asked.

'It seems like the entirety of the Scouts is here, ' answered Eld, his eyes roaming through the soldiers that were arriving, either on the lifts or using their ODM gear.

'Perhaps a decision has already been made, ' I murmured.

Levi walked up to Hange and Moblitz as soon as they appeared. Mike was already approaching from his patrol station. The rest of the Captains joined them, and, like that, the morning's peace was broken.

I walked to the edge again, only to find that the Titans looked more nervous than before, their movements frantic, as if they had sensed the increasing number of people here. They made me sick, with their open mouths and big eyes; how they seemed to be trying to climb the walls, the shorter ones mounting on the taller, stepping over their features like bloodthirsty beasts.

A 'tsk' sounded from my right. I turned my head to find Levi, his presence already familiar. His body was angled like mine, and a disgusted expression covered his face.

'Any news?'

'Hange hasn't come to any conclusion other than the abnormal theory. We've decided that it's best if we kill them all now. There's no point in waiting'

'What's the strategy?'

He looked at me then, with a raised brow.

'We kill them'

Was he putting up with me?

'I meant the squad strategy'

'There's no squad strategy for you'

He turned and began to walk away.

'Levi', I went after him. No answer.

'The hell you mean by that?' I said, calling after him.

Finally, he stopped.

'The rest and I are going to take care of this, and you are staying here, ' he said, sighing.

'You can't be serious'

'Do you see me laughing, Carlisle?'

He couldn't be serious.

'I'm prepared'

'I think that decision is mine, isn't it?'

'I want in, Levi, ' I clenched my hands, nails biting inside my palms.

'You are not prepared'

'Bullshit'

He stepped forward, his nose inches from mine. He dropped his voice, his eyes steely.

'Don't test me, Carlisle. There are too many and too little space to manoeuvre. I'm not risking it. Either you stay here, watch and learn, or you can go back to the base and wait there. That's the only choice I'm allowing you to make'

The retort was on the tip of my tongue.

He's still your captain, Alayna, I thought. Soldiers follow orders.

'What's it gonna be, Carlisle?'

Before I could decide on what to do next -if fighting him or following his orders- someone interrupted us.

'Levi'

His voice was engraved in my mind by now. So much so that, during his absence, I had heard it in my dreams, my mind always looking for the safety of him even when he was not there. I had even heard his voice as I was reading his letter, his neat writing filling the page, his signature at the bottom - a piece of him. I didn't need to look to know. It was even surprising that I hadn't sensed him the second he set foot on the wall. All Levi's fault, for sure. But I knew. I knew who I would find when I turned my head. My whole body knew.

Levi reluctantly ripped his eyes from me, like he didn't want to leave the argument unfinished, even though he had made his position clear.

'Erwin, ' he said, the name echoing in my ears.

Slowly, I turned.

It was like lighting a match, alive in seconds.

His eyes were already on me when I looked at him.

Our gazes collided, and it felt like I was drowning.

If in the past two weeks I had thought that my feelings had turned to embers, I had been wrong. It was like someone was pushing me, my feet tingling with the need to walk to him, my fingers itching to touch him, to feel him.

He was wearing his long green coat, with the Scout's emblem on the front and sides. His hair tousled from the wind, his neat hairstyle forgotten, his cheeks a slight shade of pink.

He was here, he was here, he was here.

Erwin was back.

He started towards us, his gaze travelling from me to Levi. I stepped back, putting distance between the Captain and me. The proximity was suddenly too much.

'It was time you fucking showed up, Erwin. This is madness', Levi said when the Commander reached us.

Erwin just nodded, looking at him.

'Hange has already updated me on the situation. Is your team ready?'

His voice.

It rattled through my bones like thunder, causing goosebumps all over my skin. If I shifted a bit to my right, our sleeves would brush. It was unbearable, the notion of his existence.

Levi looked at me, a question in his eyes. All the fight inside of me had burned down, so I merely nodded.

'Yes. Carlisle is staying here with the reinforcements unit, just in case'

Then, Erwin looked at me, the ghost of a grin on his lips, something shining in his eyes.

'And she agreed?'

'You could say it like that, ' Levi answered.

Erwin chuckled.

He turned his attention back to the rest of the soldiers and started barking orders.

The squads spread out along the Wall, trying to cover as much space invaded by the Titans below. The veterans, like Mike's or Levi's squads, were positioned in the places where there was a higher number of Titans. The Garrison soldiers' veterans -led by Pixis, who had arrived with Erwin, it seemed- would act as reinforcements.

Even though I wasn't participating, I walked to the edge with my comrades. All traces of sleep or boredom were gone, and there was only razor-sharp focus on their faces.

'Let's see who has a higher kill rating this time, eh?' said Oluo.

'Just shut up and concentrate, ' replied Gunther, his normally kind behaviour gone.

'I saw you arguing with the captain before,' said Eld at my left.

I looked at him, and then at Levi, far away enough that he probably wouldn't hear us.

'He refused to let me fight. He says I'm not ready yet'

Eld sighed.

'In my humble opinion, it's not that you are not ready, Alayna. All of us agree that you are more than capable. Perhaps Levi just wants your first time to be in the open field, and not here. He's just making sure you survive your first fight, that's all'

I thought about it for a moment. I sighed. Eld was probably right, but that didn't mean I was okay with staying here while my comrades were down there, fighting for their lives. He seemed to read that in my face, because he gave me a small smile.

'Trust him, Alayna'

I nodded.

'Carlisle, step back. Erwin's going to give the order' said Levi.

I obeyed, my steps putting distance between my squad mates and me.

Far to my right, Erwin's voice rattled the walls. All of the Scouts jumped forward, like they worked with some kind of mechanism, synchronised. Gravity pulled them down, and they disappeared.

I ran to the edge and kneeled, careful not to lose my squad from sight. The Garrison soldiers did the same, their eyes wide.

It was bloodcurdling to see how they all fell on the Titans, who had their mouths open and their eyes wide with hunger, almost bloodshot when they noticed the Scouts getting closer and closer. Their hands went into the air, trying to grab them; their jaws opening and closing so hard it was surprising that their teeth didn't break; their movements frantic.

Meanwhile, the Scouts never stopped moving. Once they had killed one Titan, they went onto the next and the next and the next; the beasts falling, leaving a trail of smoke in their wake, which, in a matter of minutes, created a fog that made it harder to see from above.

Dammit.

In the haze, someone was moving like a bolt, the light reflecting on the blades, Titans dropping as he passed. That had to be Levi. Rumours said that he was equal to an entire brigade, and it seems like they were true.

I tried to find the others. I found Eld's golden hair, Gunther and Oluo, too, and Petra, her fiery ginger hair a blur as she moved.

The Garrison soldiers were whispering, their surprised "oh"s and "ah"s as they observed the Scouts' fight filled me with a strange feeling of pride.

'Commanders!', a soldier screamed, running from the left, 'the east sector has been cleaned out!'

I ripped my gaze from my comrades for a second, watching how the Scouts from that area were arriving. I didn't see much blood on their uniforms, and they weren't carrying any dead. Erwin and Pixis made their way to them, probably trying to get a more detailed report.

I turned back to the battle unfolding below, searching for my friends again.

I spotted Levi first, then Oluo, a bit busy with what looked like a five or six-meter titan. Gunther and Eld seemed to be working together to take down one that had to be, at least, ten meters. And Petra... where was she? The rising smoke made it impossible to have a clear look at the battlefield, and it was starting to reach us up here, the smell of burned meat making me sick.

I concentrated more, squinting my eyes. There were Gunther and Eld, and I could see them. And Oluo too, but... There was something about the way he was fighting. Everyone seemed to kill the first titan that got it their way, but he looked like he had a clear objective outside of the titan barrier. What was he doing?

As if in a dream, a gust of wind took the smoke away, and I finally saw it. My blood ran cold inside of me, my head light on my shoulders and the world started to spin.

Oluo kept trying to get out of the Titans' line because Petra was there, on the ground. She didn't look unconscious, but if she was there, if she wasn't in the air, something must have happened.

I looked for Levi, but he was too far from her. The thought of screaming his name crossed my mind, but it would be useless. There's no way he would hear me from down there. Not with the battle around him. Oluo was still dealing with a titan, and there was no way to know if Gunther or Eld had seen Petra.

I raised my head and looked for Erwin, but he was still talking with that soldier. If I went and talked to him, anything could happen while I wasn't looking. I returned my gaze down so fast I felt like I was already falling. Petra was still there, but-

Shit.

A titan, one of the small ones, perhaps a three or four-meter, had noticed her. It was moving away from the wall and was making its way to her.

I couldn't breathe.

There was another reason why I had decided that the Garrison was a perfect place for me after I recovered. There was a reason why, even though I had missed fighting, a part of me was paralysed with fear. A reason I hadn't told Erwin or Pixis, that they probably would've made me wait longer to transfer.

This was the reason. Seeing my friends in danger was the reason. Imagining their dead bodies, their lifeless faces.

'Snap out of it, Alayna, ' Eliana's voice sounded in my ears, like she was right beside me.

I couldn't move.

'Snap. out. of. it'

I can't.

Petra was starting to walk backwards, away from the titan, her blades raised. I could see Oluo screaming something at her, his body half turned while he dodged a titan's hand.

Time stopped.

The world stopped moving. The only indication that I was still alive was the pounding of my heart in my ears.

Stefan's last words rang inside my head, his frantic eyes a contrast with his calming smile while they dragged him away: 'I'll wait for you outside, all right? We'll see each other outside, do you hear me?'

The world resumed moving.

I stood up.

'What are you doing?' said a female soldier to my right.

I didn't answer. I gave a few steps backwards and took my cloak off. I collected my hair up in a ponytail. Then, I breathed once, twice.

And began running.

I heard multiple people shout and cry out when my feet only found air, when I shifted, so I was falling headfirst into the mess below. Nothing mattered. Not the wind biting my skin, not my watery eyes from the smoke, or the disgusting smell. My eyes were fixed on one spot, on one objective: the titan that was trying to kill my friend.

I didn't use my OMD gear until I was truly close to the battlefield. Then, with the fall's speed, I shot to the first titan that I found and propelled forward, between the chaos.

A big hand appeared in my way, trying to grab me, but I swished my blades, hot blood splashing around me and on my uniform.

Suddenly, a four-meter titan's head, smiling eerily, intercepted me, but I couldn't -wouldn't- stop, so I merely aimed at its eyes, blinding it, before continuing forward.

The titan was closer to Petra now, almost on her. Blood ran to the floor on his hands and wrists, like she had tried to cut them off, but he was quickly regenerating. I aimed and shot, my ODM anchoring in its back. Going for maximum speed with the gas, I shot forward and closed the distance, aiming for its nape. Finally, twisting, concealing all my rage in my hands, I did a clean cut, flesh tearing up under my blades. With a strangled sound, the beast fell forward.

I dropped to the ground and ran to Petra, sheathing my blades.

'Are you alright?' I screamed.

'Yes! It's my ODM gear. A titan grabbed me, and it got stuck!'

'Shit'

I looked around us. It seemed like no titans had spotted us yet, but it was a matter of time until we were in trouble again.

I looked at Petra.

I could probably carry her back up the Wall, but that would leave us too exposed in case a Titan attacked. I wouldn't be able to manoeuvre with her on my back. And without tools, there was no way of fixing her gear.

'Petra!' someone screamed.

Oluo.

He was running towards us, brows furrowed and gaze frantic, looking at Petra up and down.

'I'm okay!' she said.

'There's some kind of problem with her gear, ' I told Oluo once he reached us. 'Can you carry her?' I asked him.

Oluo looked at her and nodded.

'I'll cover you, but we need to get going now, ' I told him, eyeing our surroundings.

Oluo turned so Petra could climb on his back. He then looked at me and nodded. I got ready.

He shot upward, and I followed right after him.

We were lucky enough that the Titans were already focused on the other Scouts and not on us. But still, the smaller ones tried to catch us.

'On the right!' Petra screamed.

A three-meter one was jumping, mouth open, right at them. I spun, shot, flew to its nape and made the cut.

'Another one!' Petra shouted again.

This time, a ten-meter one was flying its hand to them. I chopped it off, my blades breaking in the process. I fixed the replacements on the grip and continued.

While I was getting rid of a seven-meter one, the last one until they reached the wall, I heard both of them screaming my name.

I turned.

Oluo had already anchored himself to the wall and was flying higher and higher, using his gas to the maximum. But, on their left, a huge titan had appeared. The tallest ones never got higher than fifteen meters. It looked like it. Oluo was climbing as fast as he could, but- it wouldn't be enough.

I flew to them, positioning myself between them and the titan's hand. That bastard was clever. Instead of trying to catch us from below, like the other had done, its hand was descending, leaving no room for Oluo to dodge it properly, not with Petra on his back.

'Oluo!' I shouted, 'Drift right! Now!'

Oluo brought his anchors back, froze in the air for a second before aiming them to the right. Not a full manoeuvre, but once I attacked, the Titan wouldn't catch them. I shot at its wrist and managed to pierce it, rendering it.

I was already jumping above it, shooting my anchors upward, when Petra screamed my name from above. I looked up to find her pointing to the titan. I turned my head.

Its open mouth was almost on me, his teeth so close I could see my reflection.

Sweat ran down my spine as I brought the anchors back and aimed them at the titan's forehead. This was ending here and now.

As I was moving upwards, in a full arch that would take me to its nape, the titan moved its head backwards, following my movement, its eyes fixed on me. His stinking breath burned inside my lungs, the metallic taste of blood in my mouth, and I felt the world blur for a second.

I brought my blades down, slicing its flesh. The thing started to fall forward, lifeless.

I shot forward again, away from battle, and climbed the wall. Petra and Oluo were already getting to the top.

Once I reached it, hands shot in the air and grabbed my clothes, helping me away from the edge. I went knees first against the hard stone, my body trembling from the adrenaline as I spotted Oluo and Petra. I walked to them.

'Are you alright?'

They both nodded.

'Alayna!'

I turned.

Erwin was walking towards us, his brows furrowed and face slightly pale; Pixis was walking right beside him.

'You are hurt, ' he said when he was right in front of me, pointing at my temple.

I brought a hand there and, when I lowered it, there was blood coating the tips of my fingers.

I hadn't even noticed.

'I'm fine, ' I said.

'I'm going back, ' Oluo said to no one in particular.

Erwin nodded but didn't look at him, his eyes studying me. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Oluo disappearing over the edge of the wall and back into the chaos.

'At least you are both okay, ' said Pixis, on Erwin's right, 'Someone bring a couple of blankets here!'

'Yes, Commander, ' came a voice somewhere behind him.

'The east sector has been cleared, Commander Erwin!' a scout shouted.

Before turning around, Erwin glanced again at the blood on my temple, clenching his jaw. Without a word, he walked away, Pixis sighing before following him.

'Thank you, ' Petra's voice sounded at my back.

I turned to her. She was crouched on the floor, hugging herself, her features pale and her eyes wide.

'Are you sure you are alright?' I bent next to her.

She nodded.

A young Garrison soldier appeared with two thick blankets. I helped Petra adjust hers around her shoulders, the colour coming slowly back to her features. I did the same with mine, and we waited.

Clearing the middle sector took longer, as it was the most crowded. A lot of the soldiers who had been in the other two sectors went down and helped, taking the injured's places as they were being brought up.

At some point, Petra and I left our blankets behind and helped the ones returning. The gravely injured were taken to the hospital by the Garrison soldiers, using the lifts. Meanwhile, we bandaged and cleaned wounds the best we could, trying to avoid infections.

Way past noon, every Scout returned, all the Titans gone.

Petra and I were helping the Garrison soldiers accommodate a Scout on the lift when our squad landed on the wall. They all looked exhausted, their faces ashen by the smoke and their eyes watery, but they didn't seem to be injured, at least. All the blood on their uniforms had to be the Titans'. Levi spotted us immediately, like he had been looking for us. His exhaustion turned into a fine line of his lips and a contained fury in his eyes, shining like two embers.

As he was getting close, I noticed how he assessed Petra first, and a flick of relief passed across his features. But then, his eyes turned to me. I held my breath, bracing for the inevitable.

When he was less than five steps from me, I wondered if he was going to stop or slow down. He looked like he was going to throw me off the wall. Or like he might punch me. Would he? He only stopped when the tips of his boots collided with mine.

'The fuck were you thinking?' he said in a low, lethal voice that somehow was worse than shouting.

I opened my mouth to answer, but he was quicker.

'I told you to stay here, and you disobeyed direct orders!' he raised his voice.

'I did what had to be done!' I matched his tone.

'We could have managed perfectly'

'Didn't seem like it from up here, ' I hissed.

He raised a finger to my face. A warning.

'Careful. You really don't want to make your situation worse'

I bared my teeth, making them almost screech, but I stayed silent.

'Next time you'll be punished for disobedience. Consider yourself lucky'

That said, he walked away.

Gunther's hand fell upon my shoulder, a tired smile on his face.

'That was... something', he said, 'By the way, congratulations on your first kills'

Eld smacked his arm.

'Oi, what was that for?'

'Don't encourage her!'

But, despite his words, Eld winked at me when Gunther wasn't looking, busy rubbing his arm, pretending to be wounded.

The path back to the base was silent, except for the confused whispers of the citizens, who wondered where we came from or if we had been on an unannounced expedition.

After a shower and some food, I let myself fall onto the bed, the mattress bending a bit under my weight, the softness of the sheets luring me to sleep.

I could feel myself slowly falling asleep when a soft knock woke me up. I rubbed my eyes. Had I imagined it? Seconds later, someone knocked again.

Reluctantly, I left my bed and dragged my feet to the door. Perhaps it was Petra? Maybe she wanted to talk about today. She had been silent since we left the Wall, even though Oluo and Eld had tried talking to her. Or maybe Levi? I doubted that. The captain hadn't even glanced my way as we rode back. There was no way he would want to have a chat before sleeping. Unless he had thought better of his decision not to punish me. With the hand on the handle, I debated whether to open the door or not. Perhaps if I pretended I was asleep, he would wait until the next day.

'Alayna, ' a soft voice came from the other side.

That was not Levi.

I turned the handle and swung the door open.

My heart stopped inside my chest.

Erwin.

Chapter 19: Erwin

Notes:

Hello! Sorry for the delay in this new chapter; I had a lot going on. Hope you like it!

Erwin sighed.

‘I would’ve liked to capture one or two for investigation,’ Hange was saying.

All of the Scouts’ captains were gathered in Erwin’s office. For a couple of hours, since dinner finished -or the silent gathering in the mess hall where everyone had eaten and left for their bed-, they had been discussing the Titans’ matter from that morning.

‘I thought we had already established that they were all abnormals,’ said Mike.

‘Yes, but we’ve never encountered that many of them. On an expedition, we don’t usually see more than two, maybe three if we are lucky’

‘Lucky is a way of saying it, Hange, ’ said Levi, in his usually bitter tone.

Hange brought an arm around his shoulders. Levi was unmistakably annoyed.

Erwin suppressed a smile. Normally, when he was summoned to the capital, his time there went by in the blink of an eye. When he came back, it felt like he never left at all. But these past two weeks in Wall Sina had been tedious and slow. So much so that the scene before him seemed to relieve an ache that he hadn’t noticed was in his chest.

After all, his captains were his friends too.

‘I’m just saying that, were this to happen again, we wouldn’t know the reason, ’ Hange answered.

‘No’ Erwin interrupted, ‘I understand your point, Hange, and I share it. But given the situation, if we had tried to capture a titan, it would’ve been a mess. The fact that fewer than ten soldiers died is surprising, given the circumstances’

Everyone went silent. Hange sighed, defeated.

‘Very well, everyone. Levi, I would like to speak with you for a second. The rest can leave.

With that, everyone left the office except for Levi, who stayed where he was, standing, his arms crossed, waiting, an assessing look on his face while he looked at Erwin.

‘Next expedition is in a week, ’ Erwin started, ‘I want to know if Alayna is ready’

‘What if I said that she isn’t?’

That would be a huge relief for Erwin, but it probably wasn’t the truth. At least, not after today.

‘She isn’t?’ Erwin asked, nonetheless.

Levi pinched the bridge of his nose with his thumb and index finger, irritated, probably remembering his argument with Alayna after the battle. Erwin had seen them from a distance, but he could sense it had been heated, even if briefly.

‘She is. But I’m not taking her if she doesn’t follow an order as simple as “Don’t engage”. I can’t risk having soldiers acting on their own’

‘She won’t do it again’

Levi raised a brow, sceptical.

‘How can you know that?’

‘Because I-’

He wanted to say that it was because he knew Alayna more than he knew himself; that she wasn’t reckless or a troublemaker. But he didn’t say any of that. Not because it wasn’t true, but because Levi would find it strange that Erwin knew her that well.

‘I have talked with Pixis, and we both agreed that this was a special situation. Given the trouble her squadmate was in, she decided to act. You can’t know if Petra would’ve survived if Alayna hadn’t intervened, Levi. You know that’

Levi made a face that Erwin knew all too well. It was one that he made when he didn’t want to admit another person was right.

‘Very well,’ Levi said, surrendering. ‘I’ll support your decision if you add her to the expedition’

The commander nodded, and Levi left without another word.

Erwin found himself engulfed by the silence of the place.

He looked at his suitcase, where the expedition plans were confined. The mere thought of starting to plan and distribute his soldiers along the formation, knowing that he would have to officially include Alayna in Levi’s squad, made him, for the first time, want to leave that task for the next day.

Erwin leaned back on his chair and let his head fall backwards, and closed his eyes. Yes, it would be best to just leave for bed. After all, it had been a tough day.

He walked downstairs until he got to his room. But, just as his hand was turning the handle, it froze mid-motion, like an invisible force was fighting against him.

He clenched his jaw and closed his eyes.

I can’t, he thought.

Not after he managed some control this morning. Not after what he had gone through in Sina.

Alayna’s voice from two weeks ago came drifting back. He tried to push it away, tried to get his fingers moving on the handle, tried to pry the door open, but that force that was fighting him was stronger.

'Oh, yeah. I just wanted to see you. It's been a week... It's weird because we live in the same place'

The thought slipped inside his mind too fast to push it away: Would she want to see him as much as he had ached to see her?

No, he thought again. But his hand had already dropped to his side.

No, he thought, while his feet dragged him away from his door and towards the stairs.

No, he thought, as he pictured her face this morning, the cut on her forehead, bloody and ugly.

No, he thought, already climbing down the stairs.

He stopped at the beginning of the women’s hallway.

I can still head back, he told himself. I can still hold it.

But that presence inside of him brought back the fear he had felt this morning.

It all had happened so fast. One moment she had been there, and the other she wasn’t, falling headfirst into the Titans, lost between the smoke.

He blinked, and suddenly he was in front of her door. He knocked- the movement far easier than it had been opening his own room.

No answer.

I should go to bed, he thought. But he knocked again nevertheless.

He heard a faint noise inside and could feel someone on the other side of the door. Who would it hurt that he tried again?

‘Alayna, ’ he whispered, half pleading.

A part of him wanted her to open the door, to see her face, to hear her voice, to exist around her like he always did when she came by. A part of him didn’t. That part of him wanted her to be already asleep and not open the door so he could go back to his room because he shouldn’t be here.

The door opened, suddenly. Alayna stood on the other side, her hair loose on her shoulders, framing her face, a bit messy. Her sleeping clothes, her eyes looking tired. The cut on her temple was now clean and looking far better than it had. It still made his heart squeeze.

‘Erwin, ’ she murmured his name for herself, probably not realising she had said it out loud.

Alayna’s eyes went wide for a second before a tired smile formed on her face.

‘Did I wake you up?’ Erwin asked.

‘As a matter of fact, yes, you did. But I don’t mind’ she answered, containing a yawn, while stepping aside in an invitation for him to come in.

I shouldn’t, he thought, even as he crossed the threshold.

Erwin had never visited Alayna in her private quarters. Back when she was at the Garrison, they both had met in Pixis’ office, both commanders trying to make it look casual so the soldiers didn’t think Alayna knew Erwin.

He hadn’t thought this through.

Well, that was a shameless lie.

Erwin remembered his father had books about ancient folklore, of cultures from before the Walls were built and the Titans existed. In them, he had read about beings called mermaids, who lured men into the water. He wondered if Alayna was a mermaid.

The room was dark, its only light extinguishing when Alayna closed the door. Erwin felt her walk past him and then listened to her rustling with something, until she managed to light a couple of candles in the place.

Once she finished, she looked at her bed and then at the wooden chair behind her.

‘I’m afraid I don’t have the comfort of an armchair, but you are more than welcome to sit on my bed’

Despite him, Erwin snorted.

‘Now I know the real reason you are always visiting my office’

‘Guilty, ’ Alayna said, raising her hands in surrender.

Erwin sat on the bed, while Alayna moved her chair so it was facing him.

It always struck him weird how comfortable each situation was with Alayna. He had never been here, but it felt like he had, a million times.

‘I just wanted to check you were okay, ’ he finally said. His tone slipped from Commander Erwin to just Erwin. It was that easy with her.

‘Oh, yeah. It was just a scratch’

It hadn’t seemed like it up there when a trail of blood had come down from it to her cheek.

A conversation he had had with Pixis at Sina a couple of days ago came floating back.

‘Any news about Alayna?’

Erwin had shaken his head.

‘Levi doesn’t say anything in his letter, only that training’s going well’

Pixis let out a breathy laugh, bringing his glass to his lips, emptying the contents in one gulp. He then looked at him. Something in the commander’s expression softened.

‘You do know you’ll have to let go of her, don’t you?’

‘I don’t know what you mean by that’

Pixis had exhaled then, looking at his glass with a longing gaze, like he regretted having drunk that fast.

‘Even if I was happy to have her between my soldiers, Alayna’s place was never the Garrison. I don’t think it ever was the Military Police either. A force like hers… if anything, it can only find its match in the Scouts’, Pixis had fixed his gaze on Erwin, like a father would with his son, ‘When the time comes, you must not restrain her, Erwin. Once she is out there, it won’t be in your hands whether she lives or dies. The sooner you make peace with that reality, the better’

‘How was Sina?’ she asked.

Erwin sighed for the second time that night.

‘Complicated. The MPs are getting more convincing each time. The Council has asked for detailed reports from the next expedition'

‘I thought they always wanted them’

‘Yes, but this time they want me to justify how we use the founding. Like we are some kind of business’

‘What are they looking for?’

‘The MPs said too much money comes to us, and that there has to be a readjustment of the funding because, according to them, they are not receiving enough, and we are not providing enough results. It's just another way to try and get rid of us. They know that if we don’t get enough funding, we won’t be able to go on as many expeditions as are needed. And, eventually, the Council will dissolve us’

Alayna shook her head, annoyed.

‘I can’t believe they are still at it. What is it they are afraid of?’

‘Change, I guess. Most of them are too happy with their ranks and their lands to even care about what happens outside’

‘At least Pixis bought you some time, didn’t he?’

‘And your father too, bless him. If we didn’t have him and other aristocrats on our side, the MPs would have won a long time ago’

‘Well, we have to give Pixis credit for his idea’

He had been the one to suggest that Alayna would be safer with a powerful family backing her up.

‘About next expedition,’ Erwin started, ‘I’ve talked with Levi, and we both agree to include you’

Alayna went wide-eyed, a smile forming on her lips, excitement coming out of her like waves.

‘Really?’

‘Yes’, answered Erwin, incapable of smiling himself.

Alayna noticed his discomfort.

‘What is it?’

Erwin looked at her and wondered if she could sense the battle that was going on inside of him. He finally understood Pixis’ words.

Erwin had made his peace long ago with the fact that every time the Scouts went outside the Walls, most of them wouldn’t return. Fear had turned into certainty, and the only thing he could do was improve the formation each time to make sure that the number of casualties decreased as much as possible. Still, signing death certificates back in his office affected him exactly the same as the first day he was named Commander.

But the fact that it was Alayna he was talking about… He knew her. He had seen her. There was as little sense in worrying about her well-being as there had been in worrying about Levi’s. And if both of them were together, worrying would be a waste of time. Nevertheless, the fear that he had learned how to control had taken root inside his body and would not leave him alone.

Erwin kneeled in front of her.

‘I need you to promise me you are going to follow Levi’s orders. No matter what he tells you’

‘If this is about today-’

‘No. I already talked with him. I… understand why you did what you did, ’ Erwin wanted to say more, but words wouldn’t come out, ‘Just promise me’

Alayna tensed for a second and flashed her eyes down, so fast that Erwin almost missed it. He realised, then, that he had grabbed one of her ankles and had been making circles with his thumb. Her skin was warm and soft, and the hem of her sleeping pants caressed his hand. He let go immediately.

‘I’ll leave you so you can rest, ’ said Erwin, standing and heading towards the door.

‘Erwin, wait’

He stopped when his hand was almost on the handle and turned. Alayna walked up to him. Once she reached him, she rose on the tips of her feet. Erwin’s heart stopped for a second; the memory of her breath against his lips attacked him suddenly. But Alayna only brought her hands around his neck and hugged him. He wrapped his arms around her, pulling her closer, leaving no room between their bodies.

Erwin was sure the afterlife had to be like that, feeling her heartbeat against his, strangely fast.

‘I promise, okay? Don’t worry about me. Plus, Levi is already my shadow, I doubt he will let me five seconds out of his sight’

‘Good, ’ Erwin said against her hair.

He let go of her and finally opened the door, stepping into the hallway. For the last time, he looked back.

‘Good night, Alayna’

She just winked before closing her door.

That night, Erwin went to sleep with the ghost of her body against his.

Notes:

Okay, so... First expedition, yay! I hoped you enjoyed the chapter as much as I loved writing it. What are your first impressions?

Chapter 20: Alayna (Expedition part 1)

‘Got everything that you need?’ asked Petra, stepping away from her horse and walking towards me.

I finished checking the last bag I was carrying and adjusted it to my horse. Then, I turned to her.

‘Everything ready, ’ I said.

‘Good. Captain Levi will be here soon’

‘Hey, ladies’, said Eld, approaching with Gunther by his side.

In the crisp morning air, both of their capes were waving like flags, giving them a look of valiant knights instead of soldiers.

It was required that on expeditions the Scouts wear the full uniform. That included the cape, an element I was not used to, given that the Military Police and the Garrison’s uniforms didn’t have it. I supposed that it had been made specifically for the Scouts, not only aesthetically, but as a protection against the elements. Some soldiers, like Levi, seemed to fight comfortably in it, as I could see the other day at the Wall. I didn’t think it would be my case, though.

Eld’s arm came to rest around my shoulders.

‘Ready for your first time outside the Walls?’ he asked.

‘As ready as I can be, I suppose, ’ I answered.

Eld just squeezed my shoulder. If that had meant encouragement or agreement, I didn’t know.

‘Where's Oluo?’ asked Petra, looking around for the missing member on our squad beside Levi.

‘Missing me already?’ said Oluo, appearing behind Petra and towering a bit over her as a light blush covered her cheeks.

‘Don’t think so highly of yourself, you idiot. I was just asking because the Captain will be here soon, and you are always late’ she scowled at him with her finger. Oluo rolled his eyes, which seemed to anger Petra even more. Gunther chuckled at Eld’s side and shook his head, like he was watching two kids instead of two adults.

Soldiers all around us were finishing the last preparations, walking here and there, their superiors barking orders. Somewhere in the crowd, I had seen Hange with a wistful look, followed by Moblitz -with bags under his eyes and a worried expression while he looked at her, and the rest of her squad.

Given that today’s expedition was based on the reconnaissance they did on my first day, Levi and the squad had spent yesterday’s whole afternoon updating me on the objectives, route and formation until I could have recited it in my sleep.

The Scouts had already covered a fair amount of ground when Wall Maria fell four years ago, but, given that now all that area between Walls Rose and Maria was home to Titans, it was like starting all over again. The plan for today was the same it had been for the last four years: get to Wall Maria and study the situation so a plan to seal the Wall and get it back could be made.

As Levi had explained, the first plans had consisted of trying to kill all Titans living between the two walls, but given the big hole the Armoured and Colossal Titans had made, it was like trying to bail out water from a boat without sealing the opening first. The problem was getting to Wall Maria was complicated. In the past four years, the number of Titans had increased, and now it was as wild a territory as the outsides of Maria had been before its fall.

When Gunther, with his deep and calming voice, was trying to separate Oluo and Petra -who seemed to be one second away from hitting her squadmate-, Levi finally made his appearance. He wore his usual bored and annoyed expression, his too-clean uniform and his usual cravat. He looked at Petra and Oluo once, and something crossed his expression, something that looked a lot like affection. But I might as well have imagined it.

He dragged his gaze towards Gunther and Eld, following the latter’s arm still on my shoulders, taking in the familiarity of the gesture, and his steely eyes darkened when they met mine before focusing somewhere else. Suddenly, Eld’s arm was gone, and the fighting between my friends stopped, their attention shifting to Levi.

‘Everyone on their horses now, Erwin is almost here’

As if the Commander had heard him, the rest of the Scouts around us stopped whatever they were doing to salute Erwin, who was walking accompanied by two of his subordinates. When he reached us, all of us -except for Levi- saluted him as well. As he passed by my side, I felt a light caress on the back of my hand that created goosebumps all over my skin and made my heart jump inside my chest once.

Once Erwin hopped onto his horse, the rest did the same, and we started advancing through the open gates and onto the crowded streets.

We were already placed in formation. Once we got outside the Walls, the Scouts would spread into a much clearer shape, the one Erwin had planned for this expedition. Erwin had placed Levi’s squad with him, behind the reconnaissance lines. Levi hadn’t even tried to hide the fact that Erwin had done it purposefully to keep an eye on me, implying I was still in some kind of trial period.

The streets were full of people who came to see us depart. Most of them wore excited expressions, but others looked worried, and I even caught some pale people whose memories seemed to haunt them as they watched us passing by.

As we were nearing Wall Rose’s shadow, the light flutter of nerves that had taken root in my stomach since I woke up became bigger. Chills erupted all over my body when we stopped right under it, waiting for the gates to open into the wild. Even my horse moved his head side to side, anxious.

The Garrison soldiers from above gave us the signal that meant the surroundings of the Wall were clear. Once the gate was completely opened -the echo of the wood travelling through the place like a war drum- Erwin gave the order, and the reconnaissance line went out first, fastly advancing. Then, there went Erwin and his subordinates, and then, us.

The familiarity of horse riding and the feeling of the sun against my skin, onto the vast territory, the wide green fields and the bluest of skies, brought a bubbly feeling inside of me, and the need to laugh like a maniac got hold of me. I didn’t, though, but I couldn’t contain the smile that made its way across my face.

I heard a grunt ahead of me, and I lowered my head to find Levi with his head turned and a scowl on his face.

‘Concentrate, Carlisle’

‘Yes, Captain’

He shook his head and turned, fixing his eyes on the front. I did the same, still marvelled at the scene before me. Beside my horse rode Petra, and behind us Oluo, Gunther and Eld. I could see Erwin from here, his hair catching the sun’s gleam and making it look like gold.

After a while, on the right flank, the first red signal appeared. We all turned our heads towards it, and I felt Petra stiffen, but her expression was unreadable. We hadn’t talked much about the incident with her ODM gear the other day, the one that had made me jump from the safety of the walls and into the madness of Titans gathered at the base of the Wall. But she had barely stopped at training. She had pushed herself so much that Levi himself had to order her to stop. And this morning, I had seen her check her ODM almost two or three times, if not more.

Erwin changed course and signalled it. I wondered if the birds above could see us moving in another direction, like we humans could see ants running on the ground.

For the rest of the morning, as the frost from the night gave way to the suffocating heat of midday, we kept moving like that. Each time a red flare was shot, we moved this way or the other, trying to engage as little as possible with the Titans. Still, there was no knowing if the rest of the flanks successfully avoided the beasts. There was no way of knowing if something was already dead.

A bit well into the afternoon, Erwin sent one of his men ahead. A while later, he came back with another eight. The reconnaissance units.

‘They come back from informing the squads that we are going to stop for a while’ Petra informed me.

When I hopped off my horse, I stretched my stiff muscles. It had been a while since I mounted this much time and at that much speed. My parents’ horses weren’t as fast as the Scouts. I took out my food from my bag and walked to Petra, who seemed much more relaxed than when we first left. I felt more relaxed, too, though the fact that we had stopped in an open area filled me with dread.

After the quick lunch, Erwin announced that we would get going soon, so I took the time to feed my horse, too. It was a beautiful mare, the colour of a rainy day. He muzzled my face lightly and tickled me, making me chuckle. I looked up at the sky. Back in the city, even though the walls covered a big enough space that when you looked up, you could still see the sky, the feeling was different. Perhaps it was the knowledge at the back of your mind that you still were caged, or perhaps it was the buildings and the people -the noise of the living-, but here it felt like true freedom.

‘You should see it at night, ’ a soft voice spoke at my side.

I turned to find Levi’s blue gaze fixed on mine, lacking his usual harshness. The softness erased a bit of the sharp edges of his face and made him look boyish.

I was already opening my mouth to answer, but he didn’t let me.

‘Get ready, we are leaving’

And with that, he slipped into his usual self.

An hour later, we spotted the first Titans in the distance. A shiver crawled down my spine. Somehow, they looked more terrifying than the ones gathered at the Walls had been. I had a feeling that, if I blinked, they would be on me in seconds. They were like the creatures that attacked you in your nightmares when you were a child, the ones who grabbed your ankles and took you away, leaving you crying and screaming your parents' names when you woke up.

Erwin gave the signal, and it was passed through the formation, green flares covering the sky in minutes.

Finally, night fell, and with it, the Titan menace fell asleep too. According to Hange’s investigations, Titans became inactive at night. The formation gathered again in a small forest. We built the camp and lit a fire big enough that everyone benefited from its warmth.

There had been casualties in the right flank, mostly. The wounded were taken care of, and they insisted on continuing with the expedition. We had lost five soldiers. Once the news where delivered, I could see the tension in Erwin’s eyes from where I stood, next to Petra, who was taking out of her bag the tent we would be sharing with another two female soldiers, one from Mike’s squad, Nanaba, and the other from Hange’s, Nifa.

Erwin’s eyes found mine for a brief moment, and I offered him a small smile, all I could do to make him see that I understood. He gave half a step our way, but was quickly intercepted by Hange, and I focused on helping Petra.

Once the tents were all built up, Hange made her famous potato stew, and we gathered around the fire. Erwin updated us on the situation for the next day.

Apparently, thanks to the fewer-than-expected Titan’s appearances, we had covered as much ground as he expected. Given the ones injured, we wouldn’t be aiming to get to Wall Maria. Instead, we would head back to the Walls through the Forest of Giant Trees -the one Petra had told me about on various occasions and that mirrored the one inside Wall Rose-. The forest was a hiding place for the Titans, but Erwin wanted to know if a base could be placed there. It seemed it was halfway to Wall Maria, and placing our resources and equipment could be useful for the next and longer expedition once we were ready to seal the hole and reclaim the territory.

As I was eating the stew, letting its warmth envelop me, I looked up again, remembering Levi’s words hours ago. He had been right. I had never seen so many stars in my life, even as a girl who had been raised in the countryside. It was simply beautiful.

Even though the day had been hard, the Scouts were still in the mood to joke and tell stories and anecdotes until the fire clung to the last log. Then everyone stood up and walked to their tents or their sleeping bags. Dita Ness’ squad would be the first to do patrol, followed by Hange’s, just in case any Titan proved us wrong and attacked.

Petra and I got inside the tent and found Nifa and Nanaba already inside, arranging themselves inside their sleeping bags.

Nifa looked shy, her eyes almost the colour of honey, the lantern’s light reflection on them, and her short hair and bangs framing her face. Nanaba, on the other side, looked older than Petra or me, with this confident air about her. I hadn’t talked with Nifa before, but I had exchanged a couple of words with Nanaba after my sparring with Mike almost a month ago. When Petra and I entered the place, they just offered tired smiles before lying down and quickly closing their eyes, like no second could be wasted if it wasn’t on sleeping.

One would’ve thought that it was complicated to sleep in a place like that, in the middle of nowhere, where Titans might or might not be lurking. But my body was exhausted, and, as soon as the travel blanket enveloped me, a dreamless sleep claimed me.

We were woken up two hours before sunrise, before the Titans became active again. Everything was cleaned up and back into the bags as fast as we could, and we dived back into formation as the first rays of sun painted the sky. The only sounds around us were those of nature and the horseshoes against the ground.

The course had to be changed a couple of times. It seemed this zone was where most of the Titans were gathered, given the proximity to the forest, and we were forced to reroute from both flanks. Instead of advancing through the forest directly from the place we had spent the night in, we rode parallel to the forest and then turned completely. That way, we would be crossing it already heading home, which would be safer in case any part of the formation had to engage with the Titans.

Finally, when the sun was high in the sky and its heat caused sweat to run down my spine, the great mass of trees appeared in the distance. They looked even taller than the ones inside Wall Rose, and leafier. So much so that it seemed impossible for light to get inside. It seemed empty, but I could feel the Titans moving inside, lurking in the shadows. I swallowed. Or maybe it was just my imagination, like that time I was home alone when I was a kid and every sound made me think thieves were trying to break in. I hoped for the second.

Erwin gave orders to the reconnaissance troops to scatter along the terrain. Their fast figures became smaller as they advanced. Some of them went inside the forest, through the centre, mirroring the route we would soon take. Others, as would the right and left flanks, rode inside from the sides or circled it. Right as the green flares appeared, all lined up in the sky, Erwin answered with his own and sped up, driving us with him.

As soon as we stepped in, the most deafening of silences engulfed us. The hairs on my neck raised, anticipation building inside of me while I looked right and left, focusing in the distance, on everything that moved. Even though I could see Levi and Erwin and his subordinates in front of us, I had the weird necessity to remind myself that, were Titans to appear, I wasn’t alone.

A flare to the right stained the sky red, but Erwin didn’t signal. I turned to Petra.

‘Why aren’t we changing course?’ I asked her.

‘When we are in the forest, we don’t change curse as a formation. We just signal so the Commander knows where the Titans are. Given that we have the trees as help to fight, there’s a greater chance at survival if we have to engage'

I didn’t know how to feel about that information.

‘Everything will be fine, you’ll see. This is one of the safest spots on the formation’

It was weird how the human mind worked. I had faced Titans about a week ago, but somehow, the awareness of the Wall having my back had filled me with a silent confidence. The knowledge that everything I could rely on now was trees -tall, yes, but not as reliable as buildings, made my insides turn like they did the first time I tried the ODM gear as a cadet and ended up upside down.

The sound of a flare being shot echoed through the forest to our right. Or perhaps it had been our left. The trees had become denser here, if it was possible, and no one seemed to be able to place the flare in the sky, and, therefore, to see its colour. But if it had been shot, it had to be red. I only wished it wasn’t black, the signal for abnormal Titans.

‘We’ll act as if it is a red flare!’ shouted Erwin, twisting a bit on his seat so his voice would reach us behind and not lose itself in the distance.

For a while, there were no flares. No other sounds than us. No other movement but ours.

A groan reached from behind.

‘This damn forest is endless, ’ Oluo’s voice said.

‘I don’t think there’s much distance left until we reach the other side, ’ answered Gunther.

‘Why aren’t we stopping?’ I suddenly asked. If we were here to assess whether a base could be established here or not, surely we had to stop and study the terrain.

‘Why on earth would we do that?’ Oluo asked.

It was Petra who, ignoring Oluo’s question, said:

‘See that soldier over there? The one behind Erwin, on the right?’ I looked the way she pointed and nodded. Like most of the soldiers in Erwin’s squad, he looked older than even the Commander. Probably a veteran. For the first time today, I noticed he was not looking at the front, but down to his lap, his dark hair up in a bun. ‘That’s Delia. He is in charge of taking notes and map-making. As we can’t stop because of the Titans, and we must be short on time, he is trained to be able to gather information about the terrain and collect it’

‘Hey, stop the chatter, ’ Levi’s voice admonished, his head turned with his usual annoyed expression.

Thunder exploded in the sky.

No. Not in the sky.

‘Watch out!’ one of Erwin’s soldiers shouted.

‘On the left!’ Eld’s voice rumbled from behind.

But Erwin’s soldier was pointing right.

Chapter 21: Alayna (Expedition part 2)

At least seven Titans were coming our way from both sides of the road.

‘On the air! Now!’ Erwin ordered.

When the Titans’ hands were already shooting forward, we made use of our ODM for the first time today and landed on the branches above.

I counted the Titans again. I hadn’t been wrong. They were, in fact, seven. Three of the small ones, two around the seven or eight meters and the last two were the tallest, perhaps ten meters or so. My heart pounded heavily in my chest.

Petra, Oluo, Gunther, Eld and I had ended up on the trees at the right side of the road, while the rest were on the left. Erwin shot a red flare to the sky, signalling our situation. Levi was at his side, and his men were on the surrounding branches. Even from afar, I could see Erwin’s blue-eyed gaze assessing the situation, jumping from Titan to Titan, to the horses hiding on the base of the trees ahead, out of the action, and then to us.

The Titans below were trying to climb the trees, and they seemed to be luckier than the ones trying to climb the Walls a couple of days ago. But their human-like bodies, lacking claws like the animals’, made it difficult for them to make their way up, given that the lowest branches were well above their reach.

Levi flew to meet us, his brows furrowed and a disgusted expression as he looked down at the Titans. He anchored himself to the trunk of the tree like some kind of bird, and his gaze quickly roamed through us, looking for injuries.

‘I’ll take the biggest ones, ’ he said. ‘Eld and Gunther, you’ll take one of the seven-meters, and Oluo and Petra will take the other. Carlisle, you’ll assist Rob and Delia with the smaller ones. Got it?’

But there was no time to agree, or even to move, because the base of the tree shook and a big hand clutched the branch where Eld and I were, breaking it in two.

‘The hell did this one come from?’ I heard Eld exclaim as he drove backwards.

‘Move!’ Levi shouted, and all six of us got into the air.

How did that Titan climb that far? How could we have missed it? I tried to take a look at it, but it was impossible. All hell broke loose, Titans moving frantically here and there, their hands shooting up in the air, trying to catch us, jumping like the one that had attacked us must have done.

‘Stick to the plan!’ Levi shouted as he turned into a blur, already heading to his objectives.

It was difficult to move around. Not only because of the Titans, but because of the trees.

I stepped into the air, my eyes fixed on my assigned mates -who were already deep in battle against the Titans- when something grabbed me from my cape and yanked me backwards, out of the road, and into the forest.

I went flying aimlessly until my back hit a tree, the air knocked from my lungs, and my vision slightly blurred. I rose to my knees, trying to take full breaths, but I had to bend over when a wave of coughs invaded me, the taste of blood coating my mouth. I raised my head, looking at my surroundings.

A small titan was eagerly approaching me, saliva running down the side of its mouth, like I was a feast. I shot to the nearest tree and got into the air as soon as I felt less like I was going to faint.

But the titan was deadly fast.

It’s fist closed around me, making me dizzier. I cried for help even though I doubted anyone would hear me; my hands uselessly stuck to my body, preventing the Titan’s fingers from crushing my ribs, but not enough protection for my ODM gear not to stab my skin.

To my surprise, instead of bringing me to its mouth, it threw me again, deeper inside the forest. Thankfully, this time I was able to shoot my ODM and slow down the impact, avoiding the trees and rolling through the ground instead.

I tried to stand as fast as I could, blinking to get rid of the tears that gathered in my eyes, pain shooting all over my abdomen. I was certain that a few of my ribs were broken.

The titan was coming again, but this time I was ready.

I shot to its eyes and anchored there, my ODM gear taking me fast to its face. I brought the anchors back and took advantage of the momentum to strike and blind the Titan. It made an eerie sound, it almost sounded like pain, and it brought its hands to its eyes.

I had to kill it while it was still blinded.

I shot at a nearby tree, so I could draw an arc and access its nape better. It was a difficult cut. The titan still had its hands on its eyes, but its head was thrown backwards, looking at the sky, while a pained cry escaped its stinky mouth. It looked as if it were praying. That left the neck not as exposed as it would be ideal.

Sounds of the fight back on the road were surprisingly faint. How far had that damn Titan taken me? Was this an abnormal? Hange had said that, not only were they drawn to big masses of people, but they also had more intelligent and rational actions than the normal titans. Perhaps it had been trying to knock me out. And perhaps this was the same Titan that had managed to climb the tree! That would explain why its face wasn’t familiar from when I counted them.

I was already in the air with my blades at the ready when a figure flew by a few steps from the Titan and me and hit a tree. An ugly crack and a pained scream echoed through the place. Relief washed over me when I noticed it wasn’t one of my teammates, but it was quickly replaced by guilt and urgency when I realised it was one of Erwin’s subordinates. His short and blond hair, different from Delia’s dark shade, told me this one was Rob.

But he wasn’t moving.

When I came down on the Titan, I only found empty space.

Shit.

I looked around. How could it have disappeared? Right in front of my eyes?

I tried to look over to where my friends were fighting, but between the Titans' corpse smoke, the trees and the space between us, it was impossible to see anything. I looked again at Rob. His breathing was ragged, and his eyes were frantic. Why wasn’t he moving?

‘Hey!’ Once I touched the ground, I ran to him and dropped to my knees by his side, ‘We need to move, let’s go. Can you walk?’

His eyes shot to me, panicked. I tried to stay calm and placed a hand on his shoulder.

‘You need to get up, we have to get to the highest point we can. Are you injured?’

I didn't see any blood on him or on his clothes, but perhaps it was his bones, or it was just his body shutting down from the shock.

His eyes seemed to be trying to look past me. Then he focused on mine again, piercing my soul in a destroyed way that I knew would haunt me every time I closed my eyes.

He grabbed me by the collar and brought his face so close to mine I could see the blue pecks in his green eyes.

‘Kill me, ’ he said.

I must have heard wrong. It must have been the blow that had affected my hearing. I brought an arm under his body to try and get him to stand up, but he felt like a dead weight.

‘I can’t move, ’ he said. ‘I can’t feel my legs’

‘Then cling to me so I can lift you and you can use your ODM, ’ I said.

But Rob shook his head and pointed behind me with his eyes wide.

I looked behind me. A six-meter Titan with heavy and slow steps was approaching us. Did the Titan throw him like the other did with me? Then I was dealing with two abnormals. And one was playing fucking hide and seek.

‘If you don’t kill me, it will. And I would rather die by blade than be devoured by that monster. Please’

It was my time to shake my head now.

‘We’ll take you to the tallest branch where you’ll be safe’

‘It’ll catch us before we even get in the air. Escape while you still can’

‘Don’t worry, I’ll deal with it. We’ll get you safe’ I said.

One second, I was rearranging myself so I could lift him -and the other, my back collided against a nearby tree. Damn trees. Damn forest. And damn Titans.

I grabbed onto the surface of the tree, trying to stand up, my nails scratching the wood, some of them breaking in the process. Pain shot up my right shoulder; the old wound reopened. My head throbbed, and everything spun. I tried to take a step forward, but I leaned and fell to my right side, a pained scream leaving my lips when my broken shoulder -inconveniently- took the fall’s impact.

Between the buzzing in my ears, I heard screaming. I blinked fast, trying to get my vision to focus, and saw that the intelligent Titan was bringing Rob to its mouth. The Scout was using his blades to try and cut the Titan’s fingers, risking slicing himself in the process. Once he realised there was no escaping, he turned his head and looked at me, screaming something I couldn’t comprehend between the fog coating my senses.

Kill me, had been his last request.

I began clumsily running while I took out the dagger from the sheath hidden behind my gas cylinder. I had been trained to throw with both hands, in case one of them was busy -or wasn’t there anymore. But I had always relied on my right hand. After all, it had been the first to hold firmly a sword.

I brought my hand back, the weight of the dagger familiar. My broken shoulder complained, but I had to do it. I had to move through the pain. God, Domenico was going to kill me for having that little care with my injury.

I threw the dagger just before the soldier’s head crossed the Titan’s row of teeth. For a second, before the dagger pierced his skin, I thought I saw a grateful expression on Rob's face. The dagger stabbed up to the hilt between his brows, and the screaming stopped.

My hands began shaking, along with my body and my teeth, the cold of death enveloping me. It was not the first time I killed someone. It wasn’t the first time I had killed a comrade, either. But it had been a while. And it wasn’t like I ever enjoyed it back then.

The slow titan, the one that had presumably thrown the soldier, was heading towards the road, where the battle was still on, as if he sensed that his prey wasn't worth it anymore. Had new Titans arrived? It didn’t make sense that my friends were taking so long to kill them. Even more if Levi was there. Movement ahead made me spin my head so fast it hurt.

The intelligent Titan’s eyes, bloodshot and wide, were focused on me. The soldier's body was discarded on the ground, intact and lifeless. The Titan’s body was tense, from the dark, long hairs at its head to its toes. It was like a predator getting ready to snap at any given moment.

And I was its prey.

The pain I felt throughout my body was a great distraction. I knew that, once the adrenaline was gone, I wouldn’t be able to stand up or even be conscious. I had to think fast.

Returning with my friends was not an option. At least not through the easy path. If I shot to the side, I would be parallel to the Titan, and it had grabbed me before using my ODM gear. Not to mention that it had been able to climb the tree and was deadly fast. I bet Hange would've loved to experiment with it.

I needed to put distance between us. The only way to kill it was to catch it off guard. I breathed out.

Something trailed down my nose. I brought my fingers to it and saw blood coating the tips. I unbuttoned my cape and wiped the blood from my nose with it. Then I dropped it on the ground.

I still had all my blades, two daggers and a full gas cylinder to use. I grabbed the controller grips and faced the Titan, still frozen where it had dropped Rob’s lifeless body.

‘I saw you like to play hide and seek, huh? Well, what about Tag?’

I shot my anchors backwards and activated the gas, creating distance between us in seconds, and getting deeper into the mass of trees, away from my friends.

The Titan shot forward.

Now it was my turn to hide.